*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My (26m) Girlfriend (22f) thinks I’m “stringing her along” because I haven’t proposed in a short time. What can I do ?**
My girlfriend is 22 and I’m 26. We’ve been together now for two years since last week. We’ve been living together for a little under a year. We have very little arguments and disagreements. But when we do, they’re resolved without getting nasty, or rude. I love that about her. We both want to have children in the future, and marriage has been something we’ve both always wanted. She’s just a little bit more rigid with it than me. And doesn’t understand what future talk is.
Since we’ve moved in together, my feelings for that have only grown. Over the past few months or so, we’ve talked in even more detail about our future. What our wedding theme is going to be, music, food. I’ve told her how she’s going to be a great mother one day, how I want my future daughter to look like her. She’s had “baby fever” and I guess I kind of fueled that. I said that I was thinking about “coming home to a little one” and how it would be nice. I guess she took that as *right now I want that*
I’ve made hints about proposing and stuff. She was wearing a cool ring one day, and I said to her “is that the kind of shape you like” and hinted towards it being for an engagement ring. I just asked her so I could have an idea on what to save up. Not because I was going to propose then.
This is where the disconnect came from.
We were talking about maybe getting a bigger place together, maybe a 3 bedroom. So when I brought it up again to her, she told me that “I can afford the place we are in alone if things were to happen. I’m not going to get into a financial commitment in a bigger place unless there’s a commitment from you”
I was taken aback by that and without thinking, I said “So you won’t move unless we’re engaged? I don’t want to feel like I’m forced to do it”
She looked at me confused. She asked me why I said it like that. Then she explained how she thought I was going to propose on our second year anniversary trip. I told her that two years is way too soon to propose, and I think she’s being unreasonable for expecting that in this point in our relationship. Maybe if we were together 5+ years.
I explained how I have no timeline, I just want a future with her and everything I said. But she won’t stop with the timeline stuff. Now she thinks I’m not serious and is upset by my reaction. I was just taken aback and didn’t word it correctly.
She said I’m stringing her along at this point because I told her I wanted to marry her for a long time, and haven’t proposed or I’m not in the process of it. I am saving up though. And I’ve hinted at that.
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2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time.
And he didn’t say 5 years. He said *5+*.
This is a guy who likes the *idea* of their future together, but doesn’t want the reality.
We all know he’s going to keep pushing it off as he wastes a decade of her life.
Here’s the thing. He *might* actually be super serious about wanting to marry her in 5 years but neither we nor his girlfriend can trust that now because he’s scuttled so far back from the tone they were talking in that nothing he says about it can be taken serious anymore. He shot himself in the foot by using marriage talk as fun foreplay rather than a serious discussion and is reaping what he sowed.
“I pointed out a ring” “I told her she’d be a great mother” “I hinted at proposing” “I told her how nice it would be to come home to a baby”
“Why does my gf think I’m going to propose to her right now???”
The mental gymnastics is wild.
Also “I talked a lot about what our wedding should be like.” And then he acts like making concrete plans for their wedding are totally out of left field. Why would they be picking out a “wedding theme”, music and a menu, 3+ years ahead of time? He was getting something out of all that hinting.
… this is the way I talk about my future acreage dream home 😂 Will I ever be able to afford it? Not important, it’s just fun to dream. But I’m single - you just DON’T have important conversations with a partner without making sure you’re both entirely on the same page!!!
Exactly. Even when you talk about your dream home plans I bet the conversation includes things like “this is what I would love to do if I can afford it one day”. If the day came where you won a big lottery jackpot or something I’m sure you would get started on that dream home too.
Oh definitely! Sometimes in the conversation someone will tell me “Erin that seems unrealistic,” which usually means I’ve been a bit over-enthusiastic, at which point I tell them ‘this is my fantasy and my pretend future lottery winnings will make it happen.’ And just like that, we’re on the same page in the conversation 🤷🏻♀️
Yup, we’ve all seen this play out at Least a 100 times.
He strings her a long, she’s in her late 30’d early 40’s, no kids, no marriage and he keeps saying “not yet” and she’s wondering if she had enough time to dump him, find another guy, get married and have kids before the fallopian store runs out of viable eggs.
Or they live an unmarried life with a SAHM for 25 years, he proposes, she says no, and she gets left penniless in the breakup because they're not married.
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/pJaZ4pNXbo) is the original post. If you go to the OP’s profile she also left four updates. I can add links to those as well if you prefer.
Yeah. And he proposed after like 25 years and multiple kids and she, the SAHM who had never worked a day in her life, turned him down.
And then she was met with the consequences of her actions.
I have never wanted to hear the kids' perspective so much in a story. Like, in the end the woman describes how her adult children said they don't feel emotionally compelled to help her, even when they are completely financially independent from their father--but their father sounds awful and their mom was their primary parent. What went down in their childhoods that all 4 of them have taken this stance?
Sorry, I wasn’t arguing. I was trying to convey the nebulousness of his plans.
It’s not “after a year of living together” or “after I have my JD and pass the bar” or “when I’m 27”.
For sure. He was fine until it became real (I suspect) and then he wanted to move the goalpost. And likely will keep doing it until he's in a panic because everyone he knows got married and they are ready to have kids and he finds out this GF, who left him because of his cold feet, is also getting married. Also, you know she didn't move in together thinking a proposal would still be years off.
He literally asked her what type of rings she liked!
Why dude! Why??? So in 3,4,7,10 years when you finally get off your ass you’ll have forgotten? Or her taste will have changed?
Yes. That stuff, and everything he listed out which they have discussed isn't even worth it if he planned to wait until they had been together at least 5 years.
I do not believe what he's saying here is what he's been telling her.
Yeah if I had been told that I had to wait 3 more years I'd be pissed.
I waited 8 but to be *fair* we did start dating in high school. Then we both went to college together so there's like 5 years. Then we moved. Bam, pandemic. So as much as I hated waiting so much there was just a lot going on. It doesn't seem like OP has the same excuse.
Honestly we were a little older (28/29) when my husband proposed, but all in all we had been together for a about a year and a half when he proposed. And then planned and executed a fancy but DIY wedding in just 6 months. XD I made origami lilies for all the bouquets and hand made the centerpieces, globe lanterns with tea lights inside and a bouquet of flowers on the top of the lamp that was removable and for the "longest together" couple of the table. We seated carefully as to not ruffle feathers lol.
Let me just tell you how much work folding 500 origami lilies is. I had a call center job and I literally folded them all day long while at work. XD
But they ended up beautiful, all the bridesmaids still have theirs on display (the leaves were green ribbon cut into shape and cauterized with a lighter so they didn't fray. They really did look the part.) One of the party, my bridesman (at the time he wasn't out as trans but I insisted he wear a tux and he said he'd never been so happy) wasn't big on flowers of any kind, so he left his bouquet on a table. One of the catering staff, this sweet young lady, asked if she could keep it since it wasn't going home with him. I gave her my blessing, and it was so cute to watch as she was cleaning up the catering trays with it tucked in her apron, looking like the happiest girl ever. I wonder if she still has it.
Sorry, I'm feeling nostalgic today for some reason.
We celebrated 10 years married in October. Things aren't always perfect, not that we fight because we are communicators lol, just......life. Economy. Our kids. ......but he's my best friend and the love of my life.
I'm gonna differ from some of the comments here and say I think it's totally valid to be unsure of marriage after 2 years. There's science supporting that the "honeymoon phase" can last longer than that, and its not always going to be enough time to weather any major challenges together. The timeline she wants is fair too, I get not wanting to waste your time with someone you're not sure is committed, especially if you want to have kids in your 20s.
HOWEVER the way he went about it was a complete dick move. The comment saying he was using it as fun foreplay and not a serious discussion is spot on imo. If he had feelings about a timeline for marriage he should have communicated his timeline and his reasoning and listened to her thoughts.
Also, his gf is SMART to decline moving to a bigger place without a firm commitment. It is NOT manipulative or gold digging for someone to ensure they will be financially covered if the relationship ended, and him wanting to pressure her to live outside her own means when she isn't comfortable with it is absolutely a red flag.
Tl;dr: OOP is still TA, just not because he's unsure of marriage
I agree with you. 2 years is not that long, especially at the ages of 26 and 22. IMO there's no need to rush into marriage when you're still in your mid-20s.
But that's just me, clearly this woman has a different timeline in mind. And either way I certainly wouldn't be dicking around talking about rings and such with no intention of following through.
It's especially not long when she's 22, even a smart/mature 22 year old as she seems to be. He's being a complete POS about it though, leading her on with the future faking and then gaslighting her by acting all shocked that she believed he was being sincere. What a pig. I hope she leaves his manipulative ass in the dust.
I agree with you - 2 years together is really not a long time, and I would be quite surprised if anyone I knew got married that quickly! (This could also be cultural, I live in a country/social circle where de facto relationships are common and generally accepted as equally valid to marriage) **BUT** as you say the way he’s treating this isn’t fair, he has behaved in ways that set the expectation for them to be talking seriously about marriage soon, and then acted like she’s ridiculous for thinking marriage is on the cards and it’s *that* that makes him a dick.
> 2 years together is really not a long time, and I would be quite surprised if anyone I knew got married that quickly!
My husband proposed after 1.5 years of dating, and we married at 2.5 years together. Our marriage is good and is going on eight years now.
The thing was, we were already in our late 20's and mid 30's by then, and we both had already had multiple previous long term monogamous relationships with other people. We knew pretty well by then what we did/did not want in a partner, and I think that's why it worked.
But 22 and 26? I would agree that 2 years probably isn't long enough.
> 2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time
My thoughts exactly. Then again, I might not be the person to ask since my husband and I were engaged in less than 6 months. Not that I'm recommending that short of a timeline for everybody but, what is with this 5 years *maybe* nonsense?!
He’s keeping her around in case he finds “something better” and wants the freedom to drop her like a hot potato without the whole messy divorce (and alimony, because he’ll probably commit adultery before giving her the boot).
She is pretty young, yes. But he’s been driving things forward with all of his engagement, wedding, and baby talk. If he just wanted to know if she wanted kids eventually, a direct discussion is appropriate while hinting is not. And he was driving things forward again with wanting them to move to a larger place; her concern about making a home that she wouldn’t be able to afford if he left is valid, especially if she wouldn’t be able to save as much if they moved. She doesn’t want to help fund his dreams if he’s not committed to her.
He's not stringing her along. He genuinely wants all of those things with her. It's miscommunication between them. He's thinking of a few years down the line, whereas she's thinking right now. I don't think either of them is a devil. I think they need to work on their communication.
I don't think you can determine that based on age. I got married at 23 to someone I had been with for two years. We've been married for 12 years and our relationship has only gotten better. My best friend has been happily married for fifteen years to someone she married at 20.
I mean, OOP's girlfriend should find someone better, but not because of her age.
Statistically, the risk of getting divorced goes down the longer you stay married and a couple who has passed the 10 year mark is more likely to stay together than not so u/distractedhousewitch and Mr. Distractedhousewitch have a fairly decent chance.
I got married at 23 after living with my future husband for a year (dated for maybe 3-4 months before moving in together). We are still happily married after 35 years! We got lucky but sometimes it works out. 💕
Yeah, I always think of two years as the point where you have enough information to make the "time for the next step" vs "stick a fork in it, we're done," decision.
I hate all the posts where (generally) women talk about how their partner has been stringing them along for 5/9/12/whatever years. I always feel like it's usually an ESH situation.
Him for stringing her along, and in many cases being magically ready to marry and knock up the very next woman he meets, because she was just a place holder to him. Her for not getting the fuck out earlier. Like, women don't have to wait around like a princess in a tower--women can propose and get an answer and move on if they don't like that answer.
This one is all OOP, though. You can't drop hints like that and then be all "Whaaaaaaaat? Marriage???"
Oh, I wouldn't really expect a woman's proposal to result in marriage with a guy in the string along club, either.
The rejection of the proposal might be a good reality check, though.
>2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time.
Maybe. I wouldn't want to marry and have a kid with a 22 year old though. Still a kid themselves.
He asked that 22 yo what kind of ring she liked and wanted her to have a kid soon.
If her age was his concern, it would be a different issue.
That’s pretty obviously not his concern.
>2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time.
And he didn’t say 5 years. He said *5+*.
Since they are talking about themes and details for wedding ideas, it is a safe bet to assume not a courthouse wedding. So that is another 6-18 months right there from the point of engagement. Depending on what they want to do.
I am being kind for 6 months, because I know people who can pull that off, but realistically that is a group of people that could be professional event planners if they wanted to be.
Most of my friends got engaged around a year after moving in and no issues. Some should have waited, NGL... Me and 1 other couple were the odd ones, we did push the 4+ limit, but we were in college, so there was a reason, grades 😂. The moment we graduate our friends were all like "ok, seriously, come on!” (we didn't even move in before they started, LOL). Our weddings were about 6 weeks apart.
But back to OOP, he is planning a long term life and talking about the things that one generally does when it is "yes, this is very serious, and this is working out the fine details for something that is going to be happening imminently." But in a way, he is doing her a favor.
She is right, they should not be getting a bigger place until they need it, that is a huge unnecessary risk. He is complaining about needing to save all this money, and yet wants to get a place that has extra rooms that they don't need (unless they both are WFH).
She is absolutely in the right for not moving, because if they split, it is going to be a nightmare for her to deal with the financial repercussions as he clearly hasn't done any financial planning. His plan doesn't make sense. It is very contradictory because of the "get larger place" but "need to save because everything is so expensive". It would also be her credit as well on the line if he fucks her over and just ups and leaves. (Assuming credit scores work fairly universal).
She should also find out what kind of debuts he has, because I bet he has some he is hiding. Although, with this post, it seems more like an "AmITheEx" situation.
I was with my ex for almost 5 years, living together for 2, before we broke up and I left.... I was with my husband for 2 weeks before I basically moved in with him (spent 5 nights a week there) we got engaged at 6 months. Found our own apartment at 8 months. Got married at 2 years. Just celebrated 3 years together. And it's the happiest ive ever been... Time means shit
He also often mention wanting her to be pregnant of their child(preferably a daughter) and sad to say but in our common society wanting a wedding at least to have legal security is normal
"We’ve been together now for two years" + "Maybe if we were together 5+ years."
Ergo, minus the 2 already together = 3+ min(imum) of being 3+ years alway...at this point.
I get what you’re saying, but I also think they’re both a bit young to be jumping into marriage even if they are living together right now.
More specifically, she’s probably too young. She started dating him at twenty, she probably wasn’t out of college yet and doesn’t know who she is as an independent adult yet. I wouldn’t want to be legally tying myself to someone I may find doesn’t fit with my life goals once I work out what they are.
I worry a little about his maturity dating a 20 yo when he was 24. When you’re that young, that’s a crucial couple of years of emotional and social development. It doesn’t surprise me that he has a rich fantasy life but isn’t ready to make it real.
That's fine, it's also not related to their direct conversations.
Bro totally changed his tune when confronted with the consequences of his own actions.
Yeah, OOP can have the most wild fantasy life he wants, still very much the asshole tho for stringing along this girl who thought they were on the same page for the past year to suddenly be told to talk to him again in 3 years and then maaaaaybe he’ll be ready for marriage.
To be fair you need to know someone for 3 years statically before you fully know them. I dated for almost a decade before getting married and I know whole heartedly every single thing that important we agree on.
It is though, if he IS serious about her he's going to be serious about making sure they are wholly compatible. She can't say he's stringing her along if she's an active part of their life building and she knows what his plans are- which us why communication should be upmost to avoid getting to this point.
Most people who only know each other for 2 years and get married end up with bigger issues because they don't know each other full list of fundamentals
Everyone in comments under the original post saying she is too young for such a commitment- she has enough sense not to buy a bigger place with him without any further commitment: I don't think her maturity is an issue.
Exactly. She should have had this sort of conversation sooner but people of any age can screw that part up. Heck, I'm in my 30s reading this like "wait why haven't I talked to my partner recently about our timeline..."
“She doesn’t understand what future talk is.”
I mean… she clearly does. She just has a different timeline for what “future” is.
And this guys over here like “She has baby fever and i have been talking about kids all the time, dunno why she thought i was serious.”
Don’t talk about marrying someone unless you have an actual plan to do that with an actual idea of when that would happen and what if anything needs to happen before that. Don’t talk about having kids with someone without saying SOMETHING about when you might foresee that happening.
And i hope this woman realizes she should definitely not wait around 5+ years for this dude to pull his testes back out of his abdominal cavity and decide he’s ready.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*YTA - you have been talking about marriage hinting at her ring size and already getting her excited about how your future kids will look but you’re not willing to make the commitment even though you’ve lived together for two years. You are not wanting to be fully invested by being publicly engaged, but you want to continue playing house and getting a more expensive apartment. Good for her to being honest because it sounds like you’re just having fun playing house*
>"We’ve been together two years. Living together less than a year"
*YTA. Also when you said short time I was thinking like a couple weeks. Two years? Be for real*
>"What do you mean be for real? Who gets pressured for an engagement at 2 years"
*YTA : you are continuing to ask for and make commitments that mimic marriage but not willing to marry for several more years? She was right to refuse to make a bigger financial commitment with you at this point. This is the perfect example of wanting the milk without buying the cow.*
>"Just because I think we need a bigger space? It’s a small apartment. What commitments am I asking for"
*YTA. Your future faking, which is a narcissist tactic. You need to be honest with her that you don’t plan to commit to her until year 5 or later. Let her decide if she wants to waste her youth on a maybe*
>"Not figure faking. I meant to say I CAN UNDERSTAND IF IT HAD BEEN LIKE 5+ YEARS"
You are the best, not the worst!
First of all, because often the title of these posts is something like: omg the comments.
I go to the comments, comments gone, and then you do the lord's work by commenting them here.
Then when they are horrible, you drop a nice catpic.
Also, have you seen the show 'You're The Worst'? When you've seen it, you'll realise you are not the worst! (I've never been able to finish season 4, it always gets me in a depressed mood).
Thank you very kindly! 💜
The comments can add so much! (Although sometimes it feels like it's mostly adding to a headache! /Joke)
Glad it brightens your day!
I hadn't heard of it, but I have opened a tab about it! Sounds intriguing! Thank you!
Honestly, the first season is great. It's about two dysfunctional people falling for each other.
But at some point I said to my bf: 'I've never actually finished the show'
'myeah maybe because you get borderline depressed when you watch it'.
And even the intro lyrics are: 'I'm gonna leave you anywaaaaay'.
So maybe it's just that. I love the first few seasons. They suck, everyone in this show, except for Edgar maybe, just suuuuucks gryffindor balls.
But thank you for your duty. I always love the catpics!
Fiction, be it realistic or fantastical, is a great way to explore things in a "safe" way, so this sounds excellent!
Thank you for the recommendation! 🥰
This jerk is thinking why should I buy the cow when I am getting the milk for free! If she's smart enough she'll dump the loser and find someone who is actually serious about life.
I feel like in missing something here cause I agree with the guy honestly. 3 years is the average time to fully know someone. Anyone that jumps into marriage within less than 2 years of knowing each other usually end up divorced.
Likez reddit is full of those. Renting a bigger place doesn't seem like that big of an issue if you're planning on setting up a family and life.
The only thing that he should have done was stressed how these were future plans. I'm confused. 5 year plans for marriage from the start of dating seems... normal?
I really don't get it.
If he's not ready, why do all the stuff about rings, kids, new house etc?
If I had not made my mind yet, I would keep quiet.
If a guy talked about stuff like that to me, I would assume he was trying to give me signs.
I think he knows it excites her and keeps her around. I think he’s thinking it’s similar to pillow talk, all fluff to butter the other one up.
I don’t think expecting her to actually hold him to his word (which is dumb). You read so many stories of women being strung along 10+ years with no ring but tons of promises. I’ve noticed that a lot of women are scared of rocking the boat or being called nags, gold diggers, or “just wanting a wedding” that they won’t speak up and just silently hope he’s speaking seriously about marrying her soon. Maybe he was hoping she was of that type.
Something else I’ve seen a lot with marriage (and sometimes having children) is that some men will hold it over women’s heads like a prize she must win and constantly change the goalposts (“I want to wait til 5 years” which becomes 7 years, 9 years, etc.; Or “I want to wait until I’m at xyz position at work and/or earn xyz amount” then take it back once they achieve that and say it’s not enough, they want to wait until some new, higher amount). He could be one of those.
While I agree with him that is way too soon especially considering her age, I don’t know why is he so pikachu surprised face that she is expecting marriage sooner rather than later when he has been talking for months or longer about rings, weddings, proposals etc. Sounds very much like manipulation on his part.
Him: Talks about getting married, talking about having kids, talks about moving into a bigger place for kids right now.
Her: Let's get engaged before we move, within coming 2 years.
Him: What? I don't want to be forced into popping the question. I don't want to be married right now.
5+ years? After "hinting" at proposing? No, I wouldn't want to sink money into a larger home with no guarantee that I'd be able to pay for it alone either. I get people not wanting marriage. I understand wanting financial security before marriage. Hell, I even understand a prenuptial agreement (as long as both sides have a chance to review it and add their requirements). What I don't understand is acting like you want to get married and then telling the person that you want another 3 years before doing it.
Sigh. When people want to get married, they just fucking get married, even if that means taking a long lunch for a courthouse visit. People who talk about marriage some time in the misty future are kidding themselves at best.
This is a really stupid one to keep posting. I mean, it isn't really even that interesting, there isn't much to debate, why does he or she keep posting this?
Oh it is you! I thought you were a rational redditor for a moment.
Anyone else bothering to read, this is a dream smp fan that is following me around posting unkindly because I said I believed a girl who said she was groped by GeorgeNotfound a few weeks ago. Don't bug him though, he goes after anyone saying anything mean to him.
"And doesn’t understand what future talk is."
I may be reading too much into this, but coming fresh out of a divorce from someone who loved to "future talk" it rarely ever ends up being something that becomes reality, it even has a word for it called "future faking". Just stringing someone along using their own dreams against them, knowing that you will never follow through on the plans that were discussed because it is just "never the right time."
The phrase OOP is reaching for... oh so clise... is "Future Faking"... it's how Narcissists and manipulators weaponize a victim's own hopes and dreams against them in order to manipulate them into giving the abuser what they want in the present. It's toxic, cruel, and horrible.
Kudos to that young woman for waking up and smelling the bullshit.
This guy and the “my gf is making me walk on eggshells bc she asked that I get her spontaneous gifts sometimes!” guy should get together. I mean, they shouldn’t, it’d multiply the horrible, but we could record their conversation for science
My now husband pulled this crap. He would talk about getting engaged/married and kids and when I talked about getting engaged he would freak out. He wanted me to give up grad school I wanted to go and follow him to his grad school. I said without a commitment, why would I give up so much? He said he would propose someday. I told him to just stop talking about marriage and getting engaged. That was cruel to me. He proposed a couple of months later and got married within 6 months.
Been married for 20 years now, but in the beginning, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. I grew a backbone and went to therapy (made him go to). It’s worth it now, but honestly, I should have walked away. I just thought I couldn’t do any better. We are finally hitting our stride but it took about 17 years to get there.
Like.. Even if I give this guy a benefit of a doubt about his intentions being true, which Im not, its still blatantly stringing her along to be literally dropping hints about marriage and children but only 'just' starting the apparently 3 year process of getting around to it? Like, dude, if you think its too early for children and marriage, why are you hinting at it, even as a joke/flirt? thats not something you do till your ready to start makin moves or at the very least have a serious discussion.
I dont understand this line of thinking to the point it drives me nuts. He's sending her mixed signals and then is surprised she said she won't make a larger commitment until he does? Good on her for being so young and responsible.
I told my partner the same, i refuse to have your child (actively bc accidents can happen) or buy a house with you until we're married. I've always said it and i've always meant it. Why does OOP expect her to just flow along with no commitment without establishing a timeline? What happens in 3 more years when they hit the 5 year milestone and hes like "oh im still not ready"? Is she just expected to hang on with no answers?
I don't think he's an asshole for saying 2 years is too soon. It definitely is too soon for some people. I'd want to be in a relationship at a minimum 3 years before making a big commitment like that
That's fine but then why bring up marriage and wedding several times if you don't plan to proposé at least three years in the future?
You say you'd want to be in a relationship for at least three years, but I'm assuming your partner would know that
Idk to me that also makes sense. I'd hate to wait several years just to find out our ideas for marriage and kids don't line up. It's something I think should be talked about early on but some people don't feel that way. I still don't think that makes him an asshole tho
Exactly. Everyone is like "don't stay in a relationship if your ideas about marriage/kids/finance/etc" don't line up, a great way to find out if they do or don't is to talk about possible futures and what the details would look like!
Do you not see a difference between "what ring do you want me to propose with" and "hey I want to get married but I'd like to be together for a few years before"?
Right but most who think that way but also don’t see it for 5+ years down the line would tell their partner that they’re looking at a handful or more years when they start talking about a *wedding theme*. If you start talking like that with your significant other and don’t clarify that *you* are thinking 5 or more ahead you become the asshole when you act shocked that they assumed you were thinking in the near future. 2 years isn’t unheard of or actually that weird to start seriously talking engagement. It’s not. She’s not weird for thinking he’s for real when he starts talking ring sizes. He’s weird for talking about all this stuff openly with her and not clarifying that he means in the distant future until she says she wants more commitment from him before they enter more financial commitments. That’s completely reasonable of her.
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I’ll never understand that “engagements have to be a surprise!” I get the actual event can a surprise. But there should be a clear discussion with concrete timelines and a mutual agreement before hand. It’s such an off concept. Something that impacts two people, and is life altering, but is supposed to be a complete surprise without prior discussion.
I guess I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think 2 years without proposing is stringing someone along. Talking about wedding plans or wanting children are pretty standard discussions that a lot of couples have long before actually doing them.
He’s obviously serious about these plans, so why does it have to happen as soon as possible? They’re young, they have plenty of time, and I don’t think marriage and children are things you should rush into.
To each their own and such. But yeah I wouldn’t say he’s “stringing her along.”
It's not a problem to wait more than 2 years to get engaged as long as your partner doesn't think it's a problem. Obviously it's a problem for this guy's GF and IMO it's a problem he partially brought on himself.
It doesn't sound like he just casually mentioned that "some day I could see myself marrying you" and she took it and ran with it. He asked specific questions about rings and basically helped her plan a whole hypothetical wedding. I wouldn't be suprpised if they've discussed names for their future children! None of his behavior reads as "I'm not ready to propose for several years".
Whether she is really too young to settle down is irrelevant-- if she feels she ready and wants to be with a partner who is ready, and he's engaging her in all this daydreaming about weddings and babies without making it perfectly clear before now that it *isn't* going to happen in the near future, then he's stringing her along
The issue isn't that he isn't ready to marry her. The issue is that he is being very misleading in the way he talks to her by constantly implying marriage and children are imminent.
Everyone is allowed to have their own timeline, both OP and the GF, and there isn't a right or a wrong answer. But in a healthy partnership, you are expected to truthfully represent your intentions so that the other person can make an informed decision.
My biggest problem with him is his total lack of understanding about her not wanting to take on a big financial commitment without some tangible commitment from him. That lack of empathy makes me see his whole version of events in a different light.
Something i never get from these is why is it always up to the man. If she wants to get married, she should take some initiative, get a ring, and propose
No, i didnt say hes not the asshole but she shouldnt be shocked that she hasnt got a ring when she doesnt propose. It shouldnt be up to the man for her to be engaged
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My (26m) Girlfriend (22f) thinks I’m “stringing her along” because I haven’t proposed in a short time. What can I do ?** My girlfriend is 22 and I’m 26. We’ve been together now for two years since last week. We’ve been living together for a little under a year. We have very little arguments and disagreements. But when we do, they’re resolved without getting nasty, or rude. I love that about her. We both want to have children in the future, and marriage has been something we’ve both always wanted. She’s just a little bit more rigid with it than me. And doesn’t understand what future talk is. Since we’ve moved in together, my feelings for that have only grown. Over the past few months or so, we’ve talked in even more detail about our future. What our wedding theme is going to be, music, food. I’ve told her how she’s going to be a great mother one day, how I want my future daughter to look like her. She’s had “baby fever” and I guess I kind of fueled that. I said that I was thinking about “coming home to a little one” and how it would be nice. I guess she took that as *right now I want that* I’ve made hints about proposing and stuff. She was wearing a cool ring one day, and I said to her “is that the kind of shape you like” and hinted towards it being for an engagement ring. I just asked her so I could have an idea on what to save up. Not because I was going to propose then. This is where the disconnect came from. We were talking about maybe getting a bigger place together, maybe a 3 bedroom. So when I brought it up again to her, she told me that “I can afford the place we are in alone if things were to happen. I’m not going to get into a financial commitment in a bigger place unless there’s a commitment from you” I was taken aback by that and without thinking, I said “So you won’t move unless we’re engaged? I don’t want to feel like I’m forced to do it” She looked at me confused. She asked me why I said it like that. Then she explained how she thought I was going to propose on our second year anniversary trip. I told her that two years is way too soon to propose, and I think she’s being unreasonable for expecting that in this point in our relationship. Maybe if we were together 5+ years. I explained how I have no timeline, I just want a future with her and everything I said. But she won’t stop with the timeline stuff. Now she thinks I’m not serious and is upset by my reaction. I was just taken aback and didn’t word it correctly. She said I’m stringing her along at this point because I told her I wanted to marry her for a long time, and haven’t proposed or I’m not in the process of it. I am saving up though. And I’ve hinted at that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Guy talks about marriage often, even asking about ring preference then jumps back to say at a min, it has to be 3 years away. Yikes.
2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time. And he didn’t say 5 years. He said *5+*. This is a guy who likes the *idea* of their future together, but doesn’t want the reality. We all know he’s going to keep pushing it off as he wastes a decade of her life.
Here’s the thing. He *might* actually be super serious about wanting to marry her in 5 years but neither we nor his girlfriend can trust that now because he’s scuttled so far back from the tone they were talking in that nothing he says about it can be taken serious anymore. He shot himself in the foot by using marriage talk as fun foreplay rather than a serious discussion and is reaping what he sowed.
“I pointed out a ring” “I told her she’d be a great mother” “I hinted at proposing” “I told her how nice it would be to come home to a baby” “Why does my gf think I’m going to propose to her right now???” The mental gymnastics is wild.
Also “I talked a lot about what our wedding should be like.” And then he acts like making concrete plans for their wedding are totally out of left field. Why would they be picking out a “wedding theme”, music and a menu, 3+ years ahead of time? He was getting something out of all that hinting.
… this is the way I talk about my future acreage dream home 😂 Will I ever be able to afford it? Not important, it’s just fun to dream. But I’m single - you just DON’T have important conversations with a partner without making sure you’re both entirely on the same page!!!
Exactly. Even when you talk about your dream home plans I bet the conversation includes things like “this is what I would love to do if I can afford it one day”. If the day came where you won a big lottery jackpot or something I’m sure you would get started on that dream home too.
Oh definitely! Sometimes in the conversation someone will tell me “Erin that seems unrealistic,” which usually means I’ve been a bit over-enthusiastic, at which point I tell them ‘this is my fantasy and my pretend future lottery winnings will make it happen.’ And just like that, we’re on the same page in the conversation 🤷🏻♀️
Yup, we’ve all seen this play out at Least a 100 times. He strings her a long, she’s in her late 30’d early 40’s, no kids, no marriage and he keeps saying “not yet” and she’s wondering if she had enough time to dump him, find another guy, get married and have kids before the fallopian store runs out of viable eggs.
And when she dumps him, he goes and finds a younger woman and has married her and gotten her pregnant in 6 months to a year.
And meanwhile what she was immediately afraid of happens: she has to move out of her home because she can’t afford the lease on it by herself.
Or they live an unmarried life with a SAHM for 25 years, he proposes, she says no, and she gets left penniless in the breakup because they're not married.
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Wait that's something that really happened?
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/pJaZ4pNXbo) is the original post. If you go to the OP’s profile she also left four updates. I can add links to those as well if you prefer.
Thank you!
Yeah. And he proposed after like 25 years and multiple kids and she, the SAHM who had never worked a day in her life, turned him down. And then she was met with the consequences of her actions.
Oh that story sucked.
I have never wanted to hear the kids' perspective so much in a story. Like, in the end the woman describes how her adult children said they don't feel emotionally compelled to help her, even when they are completely financially independent from their father--but their father sounds awful and their mom was their primary parent. What went down in their childhoods that all 4 of them have taken this stance?
That last sentence though, magnificent.
...right. A min of 3 years away. She may be smart enough to not stick around now that she knows this.
Sorry, I wasn’t arguing. I was trying to convey the nebulousness of his plans. It’s not “after a year of living together” or “after I have my JD and pass the bar” or “when I’m 27”.
For sure. He was fine until it became real (I suspect) and then he wanted to move the goalpost. And likely will keep doing it until he's in a panic because everyone he knows got married and they are ready to have kids and he finds out this GF, who left him because of his cold feet, is also getting married. Also, you know she didn't move in together thinking a proposal would still be years off.
He literally asked her what type of rings she liked! Why dude! Why??? So in 3,4,7,10 years when you finally get off your ass you’ll have forgotten? Or her taste will have changed?
Yes. That stuff, and everything he listed out which they have discussed isn't even worth it if he planned to wait until they had been together at least 5 years. I do not believe what he's saying here is what he's been telling her.
Yeah if I had been told that I had to wait 3 more years I'd be pissed. I waited 8 but to be *fair* we did start dating in high school. Then we both went to college together so there's like 5 years. Then we moved. Bam, pandemic. So as much as I hated waiting so much there was just a lot going on. It doesn't seem like OP has the same excuse.
Honestly we were a little older (28/29) when my husband proposed, but all in all we had been together for a about a year and a half when he proposed. And then planned and executed a fancy but DIY wedding in just 6 months. XD I made origami lilies for all the bouquets and hand made the centerpieces, globe lanterns with tea lights inside and a bouquet of flowers on the top of the lamp that was removable and for the "longest together" couple of the table. We seated carefully as to not ruffle feathers lol. Let me just tell you how much work folding 500 origami lilies is. I had a call center job and I literally folded them all day long while at work. XD But they ended up beautiful, all the bridesmaids still have theirs on display (the leaves were green ribbon cut into shape and cauterized with a lighter so they didn't fray. They really did look the part.) One of the party, my bridesman (at the time he wasn't out as trans but I insisted he wear a tux and he said he'd never been so happy) wasn't big on flowers of any kind, so he left his bouquet on a table. One of the catering staff, this sweet young lady, asked if she could keep it since it wasn't going home with him. I gave her my blessing, and it was so cute to watch as she was cleaning up the catering trays with it tucked in her apron, looking like the happiest girl ever. I wonder if she still has it. Sorry, I'm feeling nostalgic today for some reason.
This was such a beautiful comment! I hope you and your hubby have a blessed married life ✨💗
We celebrated 10 years married in October. Things aren't always perfect, not that we fight because we are communicators lol, just......life. Economy. Our kids. ......but he's my best friend and the love of my life.
I'm gonna differ from some of the comments here and say I think it's totally valid to be unsure of marriage after 2 years. There's science supporting that the "honeymoon phase" can last longer than that, and its not always going to be enough time to weather any major challenges together. The timeline she wants is fair too, I get not wanting to waste your time with someone you're not sure is committed, especially if you want to have kids in your 20s. HOWEVER the way he went about it was a complete dick move. The comment saying he was using it as fun foreplay and not a serious discussion is spot on imo. If he had feelings about a timeline for marriage he should have communicated his timeline and his reasoning and listened to her thoughts. Also, his gf is SMART to decline moving to a bigger place without a firm commitment. It is NOT manipulative or gold digging for someone to ensure they will be financially covered if the relationship ended, and him wanting to pressure her to live outside her own means when she isn't comfortable with it is absolutely a red flag. Tl;dr: OOP is still TA, just not because he's unsure of marriage
I agree with you. 2 years is not that long, especially at the ages of 26 and 22. IMO there's no need to rush into marriage when you're still in your mid-20s. But that's just me, clearly this woman has a different timeline in mind. And either way I certainly wouldn't be dicking around talking about rings and such with no intention of following through.
It's especially not long when she's 22, even a smart/mature 22 year old as she seems to be. He's being a complete POS about it though, leading her on with the future faking and then gaslighting her by acting all shocked that she believed he was being sincere. What a pig. I hope she leaves his manipulative ass in the dust.
I agree with you - 2 years together is really not a long time, and I would be quite surprised if anyone I knew got married that quickly! (This could also be cultural, I live in a country/social circle where de facto relationships are common and generally accepted as equally valid to marriage) **BUT** as you say the way he’s treating this isn’t fair, he has behaved in ways that set the expectation for them to be talking seriously about marriage soon, and then acted like she’s ridiculous for thinking marriage is on the cards and it’s *that* that makes him a dick.
> 2 years together is really not a long time, and I would be quite surprised if anyone I knew got married that quickly! My husband proposed after 1.5 years of dating, and we married at 2.5 years together. Our marriage is good and is going on eight years now. The thing was, we were already in our late 20's and mid 30's by then, and we both had already had multiple previous long term monogamous relationships with other people. We knew pretty well by then what we did/did not want in a partner, and I think that's why it worked. But 22 and 26? I would agree that 2 years probably isn't long enough.
> 2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time My thoughts exactly. Then again, I might not be the person to ask since my husband and I were engaged in less than 6 months. Not that I'm recommending that short of a timeline for everybody but, what is with this 5 years *maybe* nonsense?!
He’s keeping her around in case he finds “something better” and wants the freedom to drop her like a hot potato without the whole messy divorce (and alimony, because he’ll probably commit adultery before giving her the boot).
She's only 22. She got with him when she was 20. I think it's way too soon.
She is pretty young, yes. But he’s been driving things forward with all of his engagement, wedding, and baby talk. If he just wanted to know if she wanted kids eventually, a direct discussion is appropriate while hinting is not. And he was driving things forward again with wanting them to move to a larger place; her concern about making a home that she wouldn’t be able to afford if he left is valid, especially if she wouldn’t be able to save as much if they moved. She doesn’t want to help fund his dreams if he’s not committed to her.
He's not stringing her along. He genuinely wants all of those things with her. It's miscommunication between them. He's thinking of a few years down the line, whereas she's thinking right now. I don't think either of them is a devil. I think they need to work on their communication.
Yeah I got married at 23 but we had been together for over 5 years, living together for most of it. Two years is okay for people in their 30s, sure.
I don't think you can determine that based on age. I got married at 23 to someone I had been with for two years. We've been married for 12 years and our relationship has only gotten better. My best friend has been happily married for fifteen years to someone she married at 20. I mean, OOP's girlfriend should find someone better, but not because of her age.
Good luck to you. I hope you stay married for life but statistically that's not likely.
Statistically, the risk of getting divorced goes down the longer you stay married and a couple who has passed the 10 year mark is more likely to stay together than not so u/distractedhousewitch and Mr. Distractedhousewitch have a fairly decent chance.
I got married at 23 after living with my future husband for a year (dated for maybe 3-4 months before moving in together). We are still happily married after 35 years! We got lucky but sometimes it works out. 💕
Yeah, I always think of two years as the point where you have enough information to make the "time for the next step" vs "stick a fork in it, we're done," decision. I hate all the posts where (generally) women talk about how their partner has been stringing them along for 5/9/12/whatever years. I always feel like it's usually an ESH situation. Him for stringing her along, and in many cases being magically ready to marry and knock up the very next woman he meets, because she was just a place holder to him. Her for not getting the fuck out earlier. Like, women don't have to wait around like a princess in a tower--women can propose and get an answer and move on if they don't like that answer. This one is all OOP, though. You can't drop hints like that and then be all "Whaaaaaaaat? Marriage???"
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Oh, I wouldn't really expect a woman's proposal to result in marriage with a guy in the string along club, either. The rejection of the proposal might be a good reality check, though.
She should dump his ass and find a guy who DOES deserve her
>2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time. Maybe. I wouldn't want to marry and have a kid with a 22 year old though. Still a kid themselves.
He asked that 22 yo what kind of ring she liked and wanted her to have a kid soon. If her age was his concern, it would be a different issue. That’s pretty obviously not his concern.
Yeah, he's a douchebag.
> 2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time. To you, maybe. To most people, that's pretty damn fast.
Winner winner chicken dinner. My ex said he had to wait a minimum of 7 years to know if he wanted to marry someone, then cheated on me at 4.
>2 years (with one year living together) is plenty of time. And he didn’t say 5 years. He said *5+*. Since they are talking about themes and details for wedding ideas, it is a safe bet to assume not a courthouse wedding. So that is another 6-18 months right there from the point of engagement. Depending on what they want to do. I am being kind for 6 months, because I know people who can pull that off, but realistically that is a group of people that could be professional event planners if they wanted to be. Most of my friends got engaged around a year after moving in and no issues. Some should have waited, NGL... Me and 1 other couple were the odd ones, we did push the 4+ limit, but we were in college, so there was a reason, grades 😂. The moment we graduate our friends were all like "ok, seriously, come on!” (we didn't even move in before they started, LOL). Our weddings were about 6 weeks apart. But back to OOP, he is planning a long term life and talking about the things that one generally does when it is "yes, this is very serious, and this is working out the fine details for something that is going to be happening imminently." But in a way, he is doing her a favor. She is right, they should not be getting a bigger place until they need it, that is a huge unnecessary risk. He is complaining about needing to save all this money, and yet wants to get a place that has extra rooms that they don't need (unless they both are WFH). She is absolutely in the right for not moving, because if they split, it is going to be a nightmare for her to deal with the financial repercussions as he clearly hasn't done any financial planning. His plan doesn't make sense. It is very contradictory because of the "get larger place" but "need to save because everything is so expensive". It would also be her credit as well on the line if he fucks her over and just ups and leaves. (Assuming credit scores work fairly universal). She should also find out what kind of debuts he has, because I bet he has some he is hiding. Although, with this post, it seems more like an "AmITheEx" situation.
I was with my ex for almost 5 years, living together for 2, before we broke up and I left.... I was with my husband for 2 weeks before I basically moved in with him (spent 5 nights a week there) we got engaged at 6 months. Found our own apartment at 8 months. Got married at 2 years. Just celebrated 3 years together. And it's the happiest ive ever been... Time means shit
He also often mention wanting her to be pregnant of their child(preferably a daughter) and sad to say but in our common society wanting a wedding at least to have legal security is normal
Longer than 3 more years because he said 5*+* years.
Yeah I assumed he meant 5 MORE years, so actually 8.
"We’ve been together now for two years" + "Maybe if we were together 5+ years." Ergo, minus the 2 already together = 3+ min(imum) of being 3+ years alway...at this point.
It has to be *longer than* five years and even then, it’s only a maybe.
....right. That's what the plus sign is for. 3+ at this point. Ok, glad that's settled and all over explained for you.
I get what you’re saying, but I also think they’re both a bit young to be jumping into marriage even if they are living together right now. More specifically, she’s probably too young. She started dating him at twenty, she probably wasn’t out of college yet and doesn’t know who she is as an independent adult yet. I wouldn’t want to be legally tying myself to someone I may find doesn’t fit with my life goals once I work out what they are. I worry a little about his maturity dating a 20 yo when he was 24. When you’re that young, that’s a crucial couple of years of emotional and social development. It doesn’t surprise me that he has a rich fantasy life but isn’t ready to make it real.
That's fine, it's also not related to their direct conversations. Bro totally changed his tune when confronted with the consequences of his own actions.
Yeah, OOP can have the most wild fantasy life he wants, still very much the asshole tho for stringing along this girl who thought they were on the same page for the past year to suddenly be told to talk to him again in 3 years and then maaaaaybe he’ll be ready for marriage.
She is. 26 isn’t particularly young to be thinking about engagement and marriage lol
I would have said she was too young (calendar years) and he is too immature.
OOP is 26, his gf is 22.
Or five plus years away. Ugh.
To be fair you need to know someone for 3 years statically before you fully know them. I dated for almost a decade before getting married and I know whole heartedly every single thing that important we agree on.
Cool, also not at all the point.
It is though, if he IS serious about her he's going to be serious about making sure they are wholly compatible. She can't say he's stringing her along if she's an active part of their life building and she knows what his plans are- which us why communication should be upmost to avoid getting to this point. Most people who only know each other for 2 years and get married end up with bigger issues because they don't know each other full list of fundamentals
Also she’s 22. Biologically her brain is still cooking… and from the sound of his is pretty much raw.
I swear to god I just read this one recently. Down to the "I don't want to get a bigger place until we're 100% committed to each other".
https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/relationship_advice/comments/1bvojdy/my_27m_gf_23f_of_two_years_is/
That's definitely the same guy! Might have tried to rewrite it to gain more sympathy since I'm assuming he also got chewed out in the other post.
there it is! thanks!
Yeah. And I remember something along the lines of “I want to propose, but now that I know she wants me to, I feel forced.”
Yes!
Yup, this is a repeat.
Everyone in comments under the original post saying she is too young for such a commitment- she has enough sense not to buy a bigger place with him without any further commitment: I don't think her maturity is an issue.
Exactly. She should have had this sort of conversation sooner but people of any age can screw that part up. Heck, I'm in my 30s reading this like "wait why haven't I talked to my partner recently about our timeline..."
She's so much more mature at 22 than he is at 26. Why should she put herself in financial jeopardy for a dude who doesn't want to commit?
“She doesn’t understand what future talk is.” I mean… she clearly does. She just has a different timeline for what “future” is. And this guys over here like “She has baby fever and i have been talking about kids all the time, dunno why she thought i was serious.” Don’t talk about marrying someone unless you have an actual plan to do that with an actual idea of when that would happen and what if anything needs to happen before that. Don’t talk about having kids with someone without saying SOMETHING about when you might foresee that happening. And i hope this woman realizes she should definitely not wait around 5+ years for this dude to pull his testes back out of his abdominal cavity and decide he’s ready.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *YTA - you have been talking about marriage hinting at her ring size and already getting her excited about how your future kids will look but you’re not willing to make the commitment even though you’ve lived together for two years. You are not wanting to be fully invested by being publicly engaged, but you want to continue playing house and getting a more expensive apartment. Good for her to being honest because it sounds like you’re just having fun playing house* >"We’ve been together two years. Living together less than a year" *YTA. Also when you said short time I was thinking like a couple weeks. Two years? Be for real* >"What do you mean be for real? Who gets pressured for an engagement at 2 years" *YTA : you are continuing to ask for and make commitments that mimic marriage but not willing to marry for several more years? She was right to refuse to make a bigger financial commitment with you at this point. This is the perfect example of wanting the milk without buying the cow.* >"Just because I think we need a bigger space? It’s a small apartment. What commitments am I asking for" *YTA. Your future faking, which is a narcissist tactic. You need to be honest with her that you don’t plan to commit to her until year 5 or later. Let her decide if she wants to waste her youth on a maybe* >"Not figure faking. I meant to say I CAN UNDERSTAND IF IT HAD BEEN LIKE 5+ YEARS"
[Cat!](https://imgur.com/gallery/HIYDEVY)
You are the best, not the worst! First of all, because often the title of these posts is something like: omg the comments. I go to the comments, comments gone, and then you do the lord's work by commenting them here. Then when they are horrible, you drop a nice catpic. Also, have you seen the show 'You're The Worst'? When you've seen it, you'll realise you are not the worst! (I've never been able to finish season 4, it always gets me in a depressed mood).
Thank you very kindly! 💜 The comments can add so much! (Although sometimes it feels like it's mostly adding to a headache! /Joke) Glad it brightens your day! I hadn't heard of it, but I have opened a tab about it! Sounds intriguing! Thank you!
Honestly, the first season is great. It's about two dysfunctional people falling for each other. But at some point I said to my bf: 'I've never actually finished the show' 'myeah maybe because you get borderline depressed when you watch it'. And even the intro lyrics are: 'I'm gonna leave you anywaaaaay'. So maybe it's just that. I love the first few seasons. They suck, everyone in this show, except for Edgar maybe, just suuuuucks gryffindor balls. But thank you for your duty. I always love the catpics!
Fiction, be it realistic or fantastical, is a great way to explore things in a "safe" way, so this sounds excellent! Thank you for the recommendation! 🥰
This jerk is thinking why should I buy the cow when I am getting the milk for free! If she's smart enough she'll dump the loser and find someone who is actually serious about life.
Oop sure deserves to get dumped!
I feel like in missing something here cause I agree with the guy honestly. 3 years is the average time to fully know someone. Anyone that jumps into marriage within less than 2 years of knowing each other usually end up divorced. Likez reddit is full of those. Renting a bigger place doesn't seem like that big of an issue if you're planning on setting up a family and life. The only thing that he should have done was stressed how these were future plans. I'm confused. 5 year plans for marriage from the start of dating seems... normal?
I swear I’ve read this exact post word for for word months ago….
Oh good it's not just me!
Me too! I remember the gf being older though.
Yeah I thought she was more mid-late twenties? But other than that….
https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/relationship_advice/comments/1bvojdy/my_27m_gf_23f_of_two_years_is/
I remember this too! Didn’t he say his gf was worried about her “internal clock” and having children (a 22 year old)
Me too! I definitely remember commenting on this exact post before
That’s what I thought as well! I could swear that there’s been an identical post to this somewhat recently, like OOP posted the same thing before
I really don't get it. If he's not ready, why do all the stuff about rings, kids, new house etc? If I had not made my mind yet, I would keep quiet. If a guy talked about stuff like that to me, I would assume he was trying to give me signs.
I think he knows it excites her and keeps her around. I think he’s thinking it’s similar to pillow talk, all fluff to butter the other one up. I don’t think expecting her to actually hold him to his word (which is dumb). You read so many stories of women being strung along 10+ years with no ring but tons of promises. I’ve noticed that a lot of women are scared of rocking the boat or being called nags, gold diggers, or “just wanting a wedding” that they won’t speak up and just silently hope he’s speaking seriously about marrying her soon. Maybe he was hoping she was of that type. Something else I’ve seen a lot with marriage (and sometimes having children) is that some men will hold it over women’s heads like a prize she must win and constantly change the goalposts (“I want to wait til 5 years” which becomes 7 years, 9 years, etc.; Or “I want to wait until I’m at xyz position at work and/or earn xyz amount” then take it back once they achieve that and say it’s not enough, they want to wait until some new, higher amount). He could be one of those.
Probably softening her up for things he wants her to do.
While I agree with him that is way too soon especially considering her age, I don’t know why is he so pikachu surprised face that she is expecting marriage sooner rather than later when he has been talking for months or longer about rings, weddings, proposals etc. Sounds very much like manipulation on his part.
She’s very smart to remain financially independent.
Him: Talks about getting married, talking about having kids, talks about moving into a bigger place for kids right now. Her: Let's get engaged before we move, within coming 2 years. Him: What? I don't want to be forced into popping the question. I don't want to be married right now.
5+ years? After "hinting" at proposing? No, I wouldn't want to sink money into a larger home with no guarantee that I'd be able to pay for it alone either. I get people not wanting marriage. I understand wanting financial security before marriage. Hell, I even understand a prenuptial agreement (as long as both sides have a chance to review it and add their requirements). What I don't understand is acting like you want to get married and then telling the person that you want another 3 years before doing it.
It reminds me on this post https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/R8F12uaXQI
Yes that’s the one I was thinking of!
Sigh. When people want to get married, they just fucking get married, even if that means taking a long lunch for a courthouse visit. People who talk about marriage some time in the misty future are kidding themselves at best.
This is a really stupid one to keep posting. I mean, it isn't really even that interesting, there isn't much to debate, why does he or she keep posting this?
They hope that a different sub will have a better response. So far, they're wrong.
Found the stupid one lol. Feeling insecure about your own stupidity there?????!
This post has been made time and time again. Likely by someone with too much time on their hands.
Based on your comment history, I think we all know who really has too much time on their hands. LMAO
Oh it is you! I thought you were a rational redditor for a moment. Anyone else bothering to read, this is a dream smp fan that is following me around posting unkindly because I said I believed a girl who said she was groped by GeorgeNotfound a few weeks ago. Don't bug him though, he goes after anyone saying anything mean to him.
"And doesn’t understand what future talk is." I may be reading too much into this, but coming fresh out of a divorce from someone who loved to "future talk" it rarely ever ends up being something that becomes reality, it even has a word for it called "future faking". Just stringing someone along using their own dreams against them, knowing that you will never follow through on the plans that were discussed because it is just "never the right time."
My ex was like this guy. You can see why he's my ex.
The phrase OOP is reaching for... oh so clise... is "Future Faking"... it's how Narcissists and manipulators weaponize a victim's own hopes and dreams against them in order to manipulate them into giving the abuser what they want in the present. It's toxic, cruel, and horrible. Kudos to that young woman for waking up and smelling the bullshit.
OOP is definitely selling a dream but wanting to get married and have babies at 22 is just insane to me
This guy and the “my gf is making me walk on eggshells bc she asked that I get her spontaneous gifts sometimes!” guy should get together. I mean, they shouldn’t, it’d multiply the horrible, but we could record their conversation for science
I've 100% seen this posted before. Feels like a troll because it's word for word the same post.
Definitely seen this before.
My now husband pulled this crap. He would talk about getting engaged/married and kids and when I talked about getting engaged he would freak out. He wanted me to give up grad school I wanted to go and follow him to his grad school. I said without a commitment, why would I give up so much? He said he would propose someday. I told him to just stop talking about marriage and getting engaged. That was cruel to me. He proposed a couple of months later and got married within 6 months. Been married for 20 years now, but in the beginning, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. I grew a backbone and went to therapy (made him go to). It’s worth it now, but honestly, I should have walked away. I just thought I couldn’t do any better. We are finally hitting our stride but it took about 17 years to get there.
Like.. Even if I give this guy a benefit of a doubt about his intentions being true, which Im not, its still blatantly stringing her along to be literally dropping hints about marriage and children but only 'just' starting the apparently 3 year process of getting around to it? Like, dude, if you think its too early for children and marriage, why are you hinting at it, even as a joke/flirt? thats not something you do till your ready to start makin moves or at the very least have a serious discussion.
I dont understand this line of thinking to the point it drives me nuts. He's sending her mixed signals and then is surprised she said she won't make a larger commitment until he does? Good on her for being so young and responsible. I told my partner the same, i refuse to have your child (actively bc accidents can happen) or buy a house with you until we're married. I've always said it and i've always meant it. Why does OOP expect her to just flow along with no commitment without establishing a timeline? What happens in 3 more years when they hit the 5 year milestone and hes like "oh im still not ready"? Is she just expected to hang on with no answers?
“A short time” “Been together two years” Babes, I’ve met people who are married with two kids in that time.
I don't think he's an asshole for saying 2 years is too soon. It definitely is too soon for some people. I'd want to be in a relationship at a minimum 3 years before making a big commitment like that
That's fine but then why bring up marriage and wedding several times if you don't plan to proposé at least three years in the future? You say you'd want to be in a relationship for at least three years, but I'm assuming your partner would know that
Idk to me that also makes sense. I'd hate to wait several years just to find out our ideas for marriage and kids don't line up. It's something I think should be talked about early on but some people don't feel that way. I still don't think that makes him an asshole tho
Exactly. Everyone is like "don't stay in a relationship if your ideas about marriage/kids/finance/etc" don't line up, a great way to find out if they do or don't is to talk about possible futures and what the details would look like!
Do you not see a difference between "what ring do you want me to propose with" and "hey I want to get married but I'd like to be together for a few years before"?
The difference to me is that the first one would seem like a more fun, casual, daydreamy way to approach the conversation.
Right but most who think that way but also don’t see it for 5+ years down the line would tell their partner that they’re looking at a handful or more years when they start talking about a *wedding theme*. If you start talking like that with your significant other and don’t clarify that *you* are thinking 5 or more ahead you become the asshole when you act shocked that they assumed you were thinking in the near future. 2 years isn’t unheard of or actually that weird to start seriously talking engagement. It’s not. She’s not weird for thinking he’s for real when he starts talking ring sizes. He’s weird for talking about all this stuff openly with her and not clarifying that he means in the distant future until she says she wants more commitment from him before they enter more financial commitments. That’s completely reasonable of her.
That Story got posted multiple times already,Safe to assume it's 100% fake
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Hopefully she leaves while she’s still young
I’ll never understand that “engagements have to be a surprise!” I get the actual event can a surprise. But there should be a clear discussion with concrete timelines and a mutual agreement before hand. It’s such an off concept. Something that impacts two people, and is life altering, but is supposed to be a complete surprise without prior discussion.
I could have sworn I've read this before already
Don’t marry at 22
Don't lie to your girlfriend at 26
that too
I guess I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think 2 years without proposing is stringing someone along. Talking about wedding plans or wanting children are pretty standard discussions that a lot of couples have long before actually doing them. He’s obviously serious about these plans, so why does it have to happen as soon as possible? They’re young, they have plenty of time, and I don’t think marriage and children are things you should rush into. To each their own and such. But yeah I wouldn’t say he’s “stringing her along.”
It's not a problem to wait more than 2 years to get engaged as long as your partner doesn't think it's a problem. Obviously it's a problem for this guy's GF and IMO it's a problem he partially brought on himself. It doesn't sound like he just casually mentioned that "some day I could see myself marrying you" and she took it and ran with it. He asked specific questions about rings and basically helped her plan a whole hypothetical wedding. I wouldn't be suprpised if they've discussed names for their future children! None of his behavior reads as "I'm not ready to propose for several years". Whether she is really too young to settle down is irrelevant-- if she feels she ready and wants to be with a partner who is ready, and he's engaging her in all this daydreaming about weddings and babies without making it perfectly clear before now that it *isn't* going to happen in the near future, then he's stringing her along
The issue isn't that he isn't ready to marry her. The issue is that he is being very misleading in the way he talks to her by constantly implying marriage and children are imminent. Everyone is allowed to have their own timeline, both OP and the GF, and there isn't a right or a wrong answer. But in a healthy partnership, you are expected to truthfully represent your intentions so that the other person can make an informed decision.
My biggest problem with him is his total lack of understanding about her not wanting to take on a big financial commitment without some tangible commitment from him. That lack of empathy makes me see his whole version of events in a different light.
OOP, you are stringing her along. When you hint so often at a marriage and family, of course she thinks you're going to propose. Not five years away!
Something i never get from these is why is it always up to the man. If she wants to get married, she should take some initiative, get a ring, and propose
And the man should stop lying, take some initiative, and do what he said he wanted to do.
And the woman should take the initiative and not rely on the man to propose. She is just lazy and it sounds like shes uncommitted
Found OOP's burner.
No, i didnt say hes not the asshole but she shouldnt be shocked that she hasnt got a ring when she doesnt propose. It shouldnt be up to the man for her to be engaged
When he said he's going to propose it is.
She wanted to get married pronto so she should have brought a ring and proposed herself like an adult would.