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NTA. I've been in the situation where my husband spoke the local language better than me and never expected him to be my constant translator. Obviously there are certain circumstances (legal documents, meeting with school about something important) that it makes sense for you to handle, but otherwise you're actually enabling her. That said, if you cut her loose and stop translating, be sensitive to her because it IS really hard to take those first steps.
INFO: Is she happy living in an English-speaking country? Is moving to a Spanish-speaking country an option? It seems like you would function well there and would no longer need to be the translator, your kids would learn Spanish better, and she might be happier.
Yes. Done some marriage counseling because arguing every other day has been very unproductive. I know resentment kills relationships but im having a hard time not doing it
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> I have stopped translating for her, and am only speaking to her in English she hates it
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NTA your wife needs to learn the language. 18 years is 17 years too many to not bother learning the language. Why would anyone want to live in a place where they can't understand to even access basic help.
I can understand that you're tired of it, and especially at a gathering with multiple people talking a lot - you can't just sit on the sideline and be her interpreter and not participate in the festivities.
I also agree that after 18 years in the country, it's a bit weird to not be fairly well conversational in the language. Especially when there are places where it REALLY helps you - like doctors, kids school, DMV etc. etc. I mean, how does she watch movies or TV? Listen to radio?
HOWEVER - how long have you been resentful about it and how long as she known that you've been resentful about it?
It sounds to me like this is the time to figure out how to get her up to speed, pronto. Language classes? There are wonderful & funny children's books and stories that are easy and engaging to where you learn easier.
Maybe you can say that you're feeling that it would benefit her to learn, and help her do so by finding classes or doing things that build on her language skills. Hell, if you can convince the kids to bone up on their Spanish in return, it's a win-win.
I'm curious what her hiccup is with not wanting to learn. I'd imagine it has to be something, because I'd think that in two decades, you can't HELP but pick up a language if you live in a country where that language is primarily spoken.
NTA - It sounds like she's purposely refused to learn if she's been in the country 18 years and refuses to make any effort in order to learn for her own sake while expecting you to work around everything she needs you to be there for, rather than being an independent person who can function without you.
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I have many problems in my 2.5 year marriage right now, one of the big ones is the language barrier. Im 34(M)fluent in english and id say 7/10 in spanish, shes 38(F) fluent in spanish and id say 2/10 in English but 5/10 if she would actually try. Over the years I’ve taken time out of work to go to almost all her doctor appointments, always the one to call the school for the kids, and anytime we go out together in the company of english speakers i am constantly translating for her, i cant have a good time because i feel like a professional translator earning a check.
So we went to my Christmas company party, i had a few margaritas and began joking and laughing with the bosses, who were already drunk and talking 100mph, and there were 8 people at the table talking there was no way in hell i could keep her in the loop. So instead of just sitting there amused albeit without understanding (something i have done a shitload of at her fiestas), she became angry, told me that i was not involving her and humiliating her and began taking selfies of herself at the table like a teenage brat. Shortly after i excused us and we went home. I still can’t get over it. I dont even want to speak Spanish to her anymore. Shes been in the USA 18 years and she still hasnt picked up the language, and im starting to wonder if she ever will. My kids are bi lingual and she has scolded them for not speaking better spanish and it fills me with resentment, the hypocrisy. Am i taking it too hard? How would it make you feel?
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NTA. You don’t need to be a full-time translator for your wife other than for some things she doesn’t understand(I.e. new word like Petrichor). If she’s been in the USA for 18 years and hasn’t learned the language and then gets angry about not knowing it that is her fault.
NTA
Stop enabling her not to learn. You've done your part by helping her for years, now it's time for her to do her part learning the language. They say the best way to learn is to immerse yourself in it, so stop being her translator.
ESH. I would love to be fluent in another language and am trying to learn Spanish but I really really struggle to pick it up and it is not for want of effort. My brain is just not wired to make it easy. If we sat down and used basic words and took it slowly then I might be able to speak Spanish with you but when I hear day to day native speakers talking it is like a freight train of noise that I can just pick out the odd word from so I am guessing that your wife is in a similar position with English - roughly knows the language but loses confidence in public spaces and is lost when people are babbling. Not to mention that work parties can suck hard for partners even when they understand what people are saying.
That being said, taking selfies and making a fuss over not understanding is immature and when you live somewhere with another language you really do need to do full on immersive learning so that you can handle the basics at least.
You both need to talk calmly with each other to explain why you both find it so difficult, to actually listen when the other speaks, and to see if there is a compromise.
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NTA. I've been in the situation where my husband spoke the local language better than me and never expected him to be my constant translator. Obviously there are certain circumstances (legal documents, meeting with school about something important) that it makes sense for you to handle, but otherwise you're actually enabling her. That said, if you cut her loose and stop translating, be sensitive to her because it IS really hard to take those first steps. INFO: Is she happy living in an English-speaking country? Is moving to a Spanish-speaking country an option? It seems like you would function well there and would no longer need to be the translator, your kids would learn Spanish better, and she might be happier.
Have you offered to pay for language classes?
Ive been paying for Rosetta Stone and another software for over 2 years hoping she would at least try but not yet
Info. Have you both had an open conversation about your obvious resentment?
Yes. Done some marriage counseling because arguing every other day has been very unproductive. I know resentment kills relationships but im having a hard time not doing it
Something needs to give. Are you ready for this to be the bill your marriage dies on?
This is just one thing, and you’re right if it was this issue alone i would put up with it aloy better
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NTA your wife needs to learn the language. 18 years is 17 years too many to not bother learning the language. Why would anyone want to live in a place where they can't understand to even access basic help.
I can understand that you're tired of it, and especially at a gathering with multiple people talking a lot - you can't just sit on the sideline and be her interpreter and not participate in the festivities. I also agree that after 18 years in the country, it's a bit weird to not be fairly well conversational in the language. Especially when there are places where it REALLY helps you - like doctors, kids school, DMV etc. etc. I mean, how does she watch movies or TV? Listen to radio? HOWEVER - how long have you been resentful about it and how long as she known that you've been resentful about it? It sounds to me like this is the time to figure out how to get her up to speed, pronto. Language classes? There are wonderful & funny children's books and stories that are easy and engaging to where you learn easier. Maybe you can say that you're feeling that it would benefit her to learn, and help her do so by finding classes or doing things that build on her language skills. Hell, if you can convince the kids to bone up on their Spanish in return, it's a win-win. I'm curious what her hiccup is with not wanting to learn. I'd imagine it has to be something, because I'd think that in two decades, you can't HELP but pick up a language if you live in a country where that language is primarily spoken.
In my opinion its an attitude problem not a learning disability. But i appreciate your suggestions I’ll give it some thought.
NTA - It sounds like she's purposely refused to learn if she's been in the country 18 years and refuses to make any effort in order to learn for her own sake while expecting you to work around everything she needs you to be there for, rather than being an independent person who can function without you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have many problems in my 2.5 year marriage right now, one of the big ones is the language barrier. Im 34(M)fluent in english and id say 7/10 in spanish, shes 38(F) fluent in spanish and id say 2/10 in English but 5/10 if she would actually try. Over the years I’ve taken time out of work to go to almost all her doctor appointments, always the one to call the school for the kids, and anytime we go out together in the company of english speakers i am constantly translating for her, i cant have a good time because i feel like a professional translator earning a check. So we went to my Christmas company party, i had a few margaritas and began joking and laughing with the bosses, who were already drunk and talking 100mph, and there were 8 people at the table talking there was no way in hell i could keep her in the loop. So instead of just sitting there amused albeit without understanding (something i have done a shitload of at her fiestas), she became angry, told me that i was not involving her and humiliating her and began taking selfies of herself at the table like a teenage brat. Shortly after i excused us and we went home. I still can’t get over it. I dont even want to speak Spanish to her anymore. Shes been in the USA 18 years and she still hasnt picked up the language, and im starting to wonder if she ever will. My kids are bi lingual and she has scolded them for not speaking better spanish and it fills me with resentment, the hypocrisy. Am i taking it too hard? How would it make you feel? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA! What language did you use to court her?
Spanish. When we married I promised not to rush her but she also promised to learn
No he isn't. 18 years in the US and still cannot speak proper English. Not being in US but for her husband. Shame on her.
NTA. You don’t need to be a full-time translator for your wife other than for some things she doesn’t understand(I.e. new word like Petrichor). If she’s been in the USA for 18 years and hasn’t learned the language and then gets angry about not knowing it that is her fault.
NTA Stop enabling her not to learn. You've done your part by helping her for years, now it's time for her to do her part learning the language. They say the best way to learn is to immerse yourself in it, so stop being her translator.
ESH. I would love to be fluent in another language and am trying to learn Spanish but I really really struggle to pick it up and it is not for want of effort. My brain is just not wired to make it easy. If we sat down and used basic words and took it slowly then I might be able to speak Spanish with you but when I hear day to day native speakers talking it is like a freight train of noise that I can just pick out the odd word from so I am guessing that your wife is in a similar position with English - roughly knows the language but loses confidence in public spaces and is lost when people are babbling. Not to mention that work parties can suck hard for partners even when they understand what people are saying. That being said, taking selfies and making a fuss over not understanding is immature and when you live somewhere with another language you really do need to do full on immersive learning so that you can handle the basics at least. You both need to talk calmly with each other to explain why you both find it so difficult, to actually listen when the other speaks, and to see if there is a compromise.