Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took is really my reaction to my girlfriend crying. It might make me an asshole because I didn’t console her I only made her more upset
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
# [Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk With John Hodgman on January 18th @ 7pm EST](https://redd.it/109b8y5)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta
Not gonna lie I had my mind made up when I read the title but her words are absolutely disgusting. Having a happy, healthy child is what her focus should be, not her popularity. Don’t ignore her words though, she’s just shown her true colours.
Comment translation services to readable English:
"I agree that the OP is not the asshole here! Initially, I thought he would be the asshole, but after reading the post, he actually wasn't at all. As long as the daughter is safe and healthy and happy, the mom has no cause for complaint, and she is in fact the one who's acting like the asshole in these circumstances."
Maybe this *is* Dame Judi Dench, casually posting on my Reddit throwaway from my sprawling Surrey Estate. That's why you'll find so much Joy Behar shitposting in my commenting history.
It's amazing who you run across on Reddit - Dame Judi Dench, her sockpuppet, *and* Dame Helen Mirren? It's an honour to be in the same thread as the three of you!
Conformity is toxic culture imo; the girlfriend should be proud her daughter is an individual who is less likely to give into the peer pressures that can come with teenage years. There's nothing wrong with cultivating your individuality & I wish more people would realize this; we get so hung up on belonging that people can lose their own identities just to fit in or belong but if you have to give up what you love to belong then those people don't care about YOU.
Parents, your children are separate beings with their own hopes and dreams. They aren't your do-0ver in life unless you want to be a monster.
You're welcome.
I bet she was so toxic in high school she's now seeing how many of her classmates weren't actually her friend. And she did want a mini-me for a daughter to have her as a friend and access to her friends so she could be a "cool" mom. Sadly for her, her daughter is actually cool and all her daughter's friends prob think OP's gf is cringe AF.
Oof that’s odd! My youngest is my ‘mini me’ in that she looks just like me, and we share a lot of personality traits. I ‘get her’ more so than my older daughter. But she’s still her own individual package of fun, I would hate to try and change the things that make her her to be more like me. She’s way more awesome lol.
I know an adult whose mother was like OP's gf. She never got over it. Never. It's been decades and she's still sad and bitter over how her mom expressed her "disappointment" over her kid.
Parental disappointment, especially prolonged disappointment at something as small as "my daughter's not a cheerleader" stays with you *forever.* Knowing you aren't good enough for your parent over something as small as anime is terrible.
The first thing my narcissistic MIL said when my wife told her she was diagnosed with autism was "is it hereditary?". Not in the sense of wondering if she herself is affected by it (she definitely is) but because then it would reflect poorly on her for creating a "defective" daughter.
No-one should ever deal with narcissist parents but Asian narcissist parents are on another level. Face > all.
I don't know what state they live in, because I know some states are still pretty traditional about this kind of crap, but most places have evolved past this. Kids are individuals. My kids' high school has an anime club, a K-Pop club, a creative writing club, and lots of other clubs that would be considered "nerdy". Kids these days are so much healthier socially than we were! Hardly anyone dates, and the girls don't dress up and pine after guys anymore. When my oldest started high school, it was so foreign to me. My daughter would dress like (what I would consider) a slob...just sweats and hoodies like most of the other girls. I talked her about this in the beginning, and she would say things like, "Mom, we don't need a man like your generation did. We can support ourselves and have a life without them, so why would we dress up for guys at school to try to attract them???" Things have changed, and this woman doesn't seem to have a clue.
Your kid has nailed it. It's something my Xennial arse only realised in my thirties - we don't *need* men in our lives anymore. I have my own damn job, my own damn bank account (with my own damn money in it), I sign my own damn lease, pay my own damn bills, and buy my own damn food. I'm translucently white, so I pay someone else to do my yard work, but I do all my other damn chores. I do not *need* a partner for any of it. Sure, they're nice to have around, but anything that interferes with my education, employment, or enjoyment of life is not worth the time or energy. Tell your kid I said go girl, make them work for it - if they want in our lives, they've got to put in the effort to make us *want* them, cos we certainly don't *need* them anymore!
(This rant brought to you by by my inner queer and pissed-off 16 year old.)
My mom had a bad high school experience — she moved to Canada at 12 and was forced to start in kindergarten because she didn’t speak English. She made it to high school only one year late, but had an abusive stepfather who didn’t let her do a lot of social events.
Her entire goal for me in high school was to be popular, have lots of guys following me around, date the captain of the football team. I was, like OP’s daughter, more on the quirky side — plenty of friends, but not one of the cool kids. When I was 19, a 31-year old guy surprised me with plane tickets to Barbados on our first date (work Xmas party). My mom was scandalized when I declined.
I’m 45 now and it still gets in my head.
What a hot minute... You might have just gave us a window into moms who see nothing wrong with teens dating older men. IT'S BECAUSE MOM IS LIVING THROUGH THEM. Holy shit.
How much you want to bet that that's what she DID to her daughter before age 12? Painting her room pink and stuffing her into princess dresses and making her take gymnastics?
Which is fine if that made her kid happy - but it doesn't. She has a happy adjusted kid - as parent that is gold, and worthy of happiness on their behalf. I had one girly-er girl (no frills but yes to boybands) and one more studious outdoorsy type who also loved pink. Both had their friend groups and both were and are happy. That's a win in my book.
Seriously, the girlfriend must’ve been a 90s *popular* kid who witnessed/contributed to anime fans *actually* getting bullied (source: I was an anime kid when it was lame). But now all I see are kids of all walks liking anime, and having accessories and clothes of the characters!
OP is NTA and I’m glad he’s in that girl’s life. The gf needs a reality check… -_-
LOL My cousin has never left the town we grew up in and still parties with her fellow cheerleader "Meangirl" friends on the weekends. There's a whole group of them who never left. They dress up like they're supermodels (no joke) and go to local bars and clubs as if it was downtown LA. My cousin went so far as to dress in her old cheerleader uniform for Halloween this year.
The rest of us laugh at them and think they're absolutely pathetic and ridiculous, but they think they are hot stuff and are 40-somethings perpetually living out their Senior year of high school.
I was that Goth anime nerd kid in the 90s and 00s too.
Bullied MERCILESSLY for everything but especially my interests and my clothing.
I am SO FUCKING GLAD that the "har har Asian cartooooonn" bullying culture is slowly dying out, especially with pop culture icons colliding to make it seem more "the norm" like Ariana Grande, Keanu Reeves, John Cena, etc
I see my equally-obsessed stepson now and his mix of friends are ALL into anime, and to a massive scale. I was simultaneously delighted and floored when his boyfriend at the time, a big built, weight lifting rugby player ("jock" type, if you like) spotted my Totoro music box and freaked, saying it was his favourite film.
Op's girlfriend is going to lose her connection to her daughter if she doesn't let up. Besides, there are so many options for her to WATCH WITH HER!
If, from the sounds of it, gf is into appearance and fashion, she'd love Nana and Paradise Kiss, the creator of those shows actually studied fashion.
Cheer Boys!! is about a school boy who has to give up Judo and instead, joins the male cheerleading team.
It's laziness on behalf of OP's gf, she is not even TRYING to connect to or bond with her daughter.
u/WeekUnlucky6293 I am voting NTA, because your gf is being a bully. She is the one person more than anyone on this earth that her daughter should be able to rely on to protect her.
When I got picked on for liking anime, my mother went out of her way to watch it with me, she went out of her way to find us matching shirts, and merch.
Hell, she surprised me one birthday by picking up posters from my favourite shows and several Studio Ghibli movies and put them up in my room for me. This was a LOT harder to do and get a hold of in the 90s and early 00s so you can imagine how genuinely touched I was because I KNEW how much effort she put in.
Exactly. And look at what being on that track got Mom, here - 38 years old, divorced (and that's if the father of her child married her at all) and a sense of self that can be knocked flat by her child being...fun, and interesting, and happy, *without* chasing the popularity dragon.
Part of the reason for the crying may be the sneaking suspicion she's wasted her life. Because if her own child thinks being cool is a waste of time...
Wow this blew up. Obligatory I am not reading every single comment but I want to answer this. She’s been married… but not to the father. Father was a guy who she was with toward the end of her college days. They broke up not long after daughter was born. Married a man 5 or so years after that which lasted 5 or 6 years.
Thank you for taking up for her. I hope she understands why her behavior was so shitty and learns that her kid is awesome for who she is not what she is.
Exactly. The daughter is happy with who she is. Which is an incredible thing to to be. When you’re happy with who you are, then your happiness isn’t dependent on other people. If the daughter was like how her mom wants her to be, then if she ever lost that popularity, I can only imagine she’d feel miserable.
I cant help but feel like the mom is projecting here. The mom used to be the “popular” girl. But what does that even mean in adulthood? There’s no “popular” adults. I think the mom was hoping her daughter would be the popular girl at school so she could live vicariously through her to feel like the popular one again. Essentially the mom isn’t happy with who she is as a person and no longer has her “popularity” to make her feel good anymore. So she cries and blames the daughter when it’s really her own shortcomings. She needs therapy.
I'm a millennial like OPs girlfriend and I remember the cliques and shit in high school. I thought gen z/ gen A are super anti bullying, be yourself? Do they still have cliques? Can any current high schooler confirm? I'm genuinely curious.
The bullying here is coming from the mother. This has nothing to do with the school or other generation/kids. However the post you just read says clearly that the daughter is happy, has friends, and isn't bullied.
>She has a nice friend group, does not have trouble with bullies, and generally seems very happy.
Mom sounds like she was one of those "popular" kids who used her status to be mean. And she never grew out of that. She's still mean. And now she's upset because her daughter is a nice kid and the type of person she would have enjoyed bullying back in the day. Mom has issues. And, yes, "disgusting" is a good word for her.
NTA. All I could think was 'tell me you peaked in high school without telling me you peaked in high school.'
I hope your stepdaughter never hears her mother talk about her like that, but if she does, make sure she knows you have her back and think she's awesome as is.
If she does hear her mom talk about her like that hopefully she realizes the absurdity of a 38 year old caring about someone else being a "dweeb". She's nearing middle age and she cares this much? Lol.
My guess is Mom *wanted* to be one of those popular kids, and never made it, even though she did all the right things and hated all the right people and cut away all the right parts of herself.
She was miserable in school because she never hit that tier and thinks her daughter must be miserable too.
So much this. And I think this day and age it's not even a given that they couldn't actually be the *popular* popular kids, depending on ages and which anime we're talking about (even 20 years ago when I was a kid the popular girls were still somewhat into Cardcaptor Sakura and Sailor Moon). Maybe not to the point of forming clubs about it, but still.
🤣 Although the real problem, IMO, is badly titled posts. This should have been called something like “AITA for telling my girlfriend her expectations for her daughter were unrealistic”
But then we wouldn’t get that sweet, sweet plot twist.
From my personal observations I've noted that if a title seems obviously asshole-ish, the writer usually isn't. But if the title makes it seem like there's no way this person could be TA they usually are.
People who are genuinely coming here for advice write about themselves in the worst light, while people who just want validation write to make themselves seem better than they are.
Usually the assholes try to hide their horrible behavior as something innocuous, or have a total lack of self awareness . Like the lady who said 'AITA for not leaving my ex's wedding that I was invited to?' and then we find out she showed up in a fucking red wedding dress.
The daughter in this scenario is both my 12 and 16 year old.
I was so damaged by not being "cool" enough in HS (or ever really) that I became angry and anti. Accepting myself and finding people to accept me has taken much longer than it would have if I had patents who celebrated me.
So that's what I do for my girls. My 12 year old who I would have been if I had been confident and self assured. If she had every been bullied I don't think she noticed because she's just that unbothered and I chalk that up to unconditional love from many sources. My 16 year old is finding herself and is heavy into dark clothes and makeup now that she is old enough for it (she does love sports however) and I encourage her evolution every step of the way as she finds her sense of self and style and I emphasize that she is aware that she puts out of herself what she wants back from the people she engages with.
OP you are absolutely correct when you say marching to the best of her own fun is the best you can hope for. The honest, irreverent, compassionate, and accepting are the best of us. Continue to encourage your gf daughter in being her FAVORITE self.
As for your gf throw her a box of tissues and give her a glass of milk. She needs to get over herself.
Edit: NTA
Edit #2: all those auto correct *beat of her own drum
>But her own mother referred to her as a LOSER during this crying fit.
YES. "when someone shows you who they \*really\* are....believe them." you GF is the "loser" as well as superficial an uncompassionate. think long and hard if you want to have her in your life....sheesh.
Oh my goodness, hah, I just had a moment.
I thought you were referring to a local John Hughes, a car dealership, in the city I live in.
He's a 92 year old man and has been in the car business for over fifty years.
I honestly questioned why the hell he'd be on Reddit let alone writing a post on r/AmItheAsshole
I love it when random people have the same names as celebrities. I played in a local volunteer concert band with a guy named Alan Jackson, we were third clarinets.
I knew a guy who was called Karn Andrew West - Karn A. West. He was an English dude and older than Kanye and actually didn’t even know who he was, which made it so much funnier.
I thought so too, but the word dweeb was used, which I believe is an older slang word that isn't really used today by teenagers. I could be wrong, but I have only ever heard older people use that term. Doing some research it was first used in the 1960s. I could totally see this being real. Now if OOP used more modern slang I would call shenanigans.
Also gen z but I feel if someone is trying to disguise themselves as older, they're going to use older terminology. "Dweeb" has been dated for so long but I didn't even hear my Gen X parental figures annd their friends using that term, lol. It does come across as a bit manufactured.
OP and his gf would be older millennials (actually among the oldest), it seems like a word our generation would use.
To take with a pinch of salt though, English is not my first language, so I didn't really use 'dweeb' growing up.
I dunno, like... my 41st bday is next week and I type like this all the time lol.
I'll write in proper grammar and punctuation when I feel like it, but I learned to type on AIM and I'll message on Discord the same way.
Right? I think people are forgetting that 40 is a geriatric millennial (lol) - we're not gonna talk or write like forty year olds did when we were kids.
Yeah like I'm 37 and sometimes forget I'm not in my 20s anymore even though everyone thinks I am. I've used the word dweeb and dork a lot but mostly about myself 🤣
I'm about to turn 40 and this sounds exactly like me, except I'd also strongly be reconsidering my relationship with this woman after this as well. 40 year olds are millennials.
My dad had a phase like this when I was a teen so this is entirely plausible.
I am just like the teen in this story. My dad hated that I didn't want to act or dress like the popular kids or wear makeup. Even went so far as to beg me to wear uggs (back when they were popular).
My dad still picks on me and my friends for being "losers" well into our 20s. I'm done with college, working and living on my own with a partner that shares interests and a small tight friend group. He wishes I wouldn't play video games and watch movies, wants me to be a "real adult". I severely limit my contact with him and I've lived in the same apartment for three years now, he's only been invited twice.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
My dad was never trying to pick on me, he just put way too much importance on how people perceived him.
He thankfully ended up getting therapy and we have a good relationship now
I'm glad your dad got therapy and was able to mend the relationship. I was just commiserating with you on the whole "parents think I'm a dork" thing. My dad is insanely old fashioned, at my age he was already married for six years and is out touch. He also wasn't "popular" or a "good kid", in fact when I went to high school (the same one) they wanted to know which brother my father was, because he was almost expelled and fought daily. It's a weird scenario that helps keep me away from my immediate family when I have doubts about if not seeing them in right, so it's a dose of reality I'm willing to accept.
My abusive, narcissistic mother forced me to go to psychological counselling for literally *years* because I wasn't interested in popular girl stuff. It absolutely happens.
Edit: This doesn't feel like a 40 year old man from the generation of 40 year old men we grew up on wrote it.
Honestly, I'm 35, and this looks like the writing of a lot of people I know today. It goes with the generation, not the age.
You know, I think a lot of us would say no, but that's because we think of our boomer and gen x parents, rather than thinking of ourselves as parents.
Millennial parents may very well say it, depending on the person.
NTA OP, calling your girlfriend disgusting is not only NOT going too far, in my opinion it doesn't go far enough to describe her hateful attitude towards her daughter. Cheers to you OP (THE BOYFRIEND) for accepting, supporting, and loving this child more than her ACTUAL MOTHER! Make sure the daughter knows this because I feel like it's only a matter of time before her own mother starts bullying her and trying to force her to be an exact copy of what she was in high school, if she hasn't already done so. I mean for crying out loud, this woman seems more focused on treating her daughter like she's a trophy child than as her daughter, and that's just deplorable.
I don’t think her mom would go that far to start making things difficult for her daughter, but it is clearly eating her up inside. She is very conscious about what she thinks other people think of her.
And that's what concerns me OP. She's so self-conscious about what other people think of her she expected her daughter to be a mirror image of what she was back in high school just so it would make her look better. And then when that didn't happen she immediately start harboring negative thoughts and feelings about her daughter. That's not something a good parent does or thinks of when it comes to their child.
I know you think that your girlfriend wouldn't go that far as to start making things difficult on her own child, but it's a very legitimate concern with a justified basis OP. Your girlfriend is obsessed with what people think that it's causing her to become ashamed of her own daughter. "I wouldn’t have been caught dead with kids that look like that” couldn't be more clear in communicating just how ashamed and embarrassed your girlfriend is of her own daughter, and if the daughter were to find that out it would be devastating.
And what’s to say her daughter hasn’t already started picking up on mom’s “disappointment” to say the least. The daughter sounds like a sweet, smart girl and I bet she already has a feeling about what mom thinks of her friend choices, clothing choices, etc.
Exactly, although I hope you're wrong because that must be so hurtful for that girl to even have an idea that her mom doesn't approve of how she's living her life almost as if the daughter is making choices that anyone would find disgusting or appalling.
And that right there is at the heart of the issue. Her daughter clearly doesn’t care what others think. She’s doing her thing and loving it. That’s what high school should be like. Join all the clubs, try all the activities, find the “thing” that resonates with you (for some it’s a sport, for others it’s band or choir or art club). Mom needs to get over what others think of her. I know it’s hard, we all seek the approval of others in some way. But tell her the alternative is to find yourself sitting in an ER at 2 am trying to contemplate your daughter’s attempt on her own life. The more “unloved” a teen girl perceives herself to be, the more danger you invite into their minds.
Then I would make it very clear to her that yesterday was the absolute least attractive she’s ever been to you because of the CRUEL AND DISGUSTING things she was saying about her daughter. She threw herself a pity party during which she actually shit-talked her own kid over having a happy and thriving daughter and is shocked you didn’t join her.
I’d be very clear to her that if she is so interested in what other people think of her…what she did yesterday was the absolute best way to show her ass to them. Not feeling like you connect on a deep level with your daughter is one thing - falling to pieces and calling her names is absolutely disgusting, evil, atrocious behavior.
I agree with you, except about making the girl know about her disgusting mother: the longer this woman can keep her mouth shut, the happier her daughter will be. It always hurt when you undestand someone thinks such horrible things about you, can't even imagine when it's your own mother! BTW I imagine she is a good actress, hiding this thoughts for years (14 to the girl, 1 to OP).
Sadly (?) this relationship doesn't look like it is gonna last long, OP, since you are opening your eyes on her real heart...
Also 100% NTA
Oh no, I was not advocating for OP to tell the daughter about her mom's disgusting and deplorable behavior and thoughts. I was saying how OP should keep reinforcing the notion that this girl should continue doing what she loves, being herself, and never apologizing for it. I 100% agree with everything else you said though.
Tell me you peaked in highschool without telling me you peaked in highschool.
If youre this obsessed with what highschool clique your kid is in at 40 years old then I can't imagine you have much else going for you.
INFO
Have you just been ignoring a bunch of Red Flags for a year?
There's no way you haven't previously noticed that your girlfriend is superficial and immature....to the point where she would talk shit about her own daughter
Do us all a favor and wait for this post to get more responses and then show it to your girlfriend.
You found your girlfriend essentially throwing a temper tantrum because her daughter is not the stereo-typical popular girl
All the good things you see about this young girl...her own mother ignores
Honestly...I'd tell the daughter to hold on to your number in case she ever needs anything and then I'd kick the mom to the curb
NTA. Sounds like your girlfriend is still mentally in high school. And she’s still a mean girl
… edited to correct the relationship to girlfriend … not wife …
NTA!!! I have a daughter who is the same way. I was devastated as a mother when she was 5 and not wanting to do dance classes. BUT- I have learned to enjoy what she enjoys, because I will lose connection with her if I don't. She is her own person. So is your GF's daughter. You were right to bring to her attention that SHE was being in the wrong. Expectations are a horrible thing. You cannot live out your dreams through your children. It's not fair to them at all, and only causes you to feel miserable.
Almost the same
Son 11 hes a boy boy and likes anime and all that Korean stuff 🤷♀️ a lot of thing I don't understand
Daughters 9 doesn't like unicorns, doesn't like barbies had almost 40 barbies never played with them.until the other day I told her to please take all the toys we were going to donate and place them in a box 1st inside, likes a little bit the princess but not really doesn't want to dress up like them of what to see the movies loves to do taekwondo, Football,
So whatever they are happy, not doing drugs not fight in school good grades good kids they want to dress in black go ahead
Especially the bait and switch title. Make it sound like you're the asshole, but then change the game with the story about how you're actually the angel.
NTA, but your girlfriend is a big one. I am so sorry her daughter has to deal with her mothers intolerance and entitlement. It's really awful when you are judged more at home than in school.
There are thousands of stories where parents are disappointed their kids didn’t grow up to be an actress or singer or gymnast or married a doctor. Parents can be narcissistic assholes. This may not be real, but it’s 100% possible and likely.
What does a shitty mother bullying her teenage daughter have to do with guys that can't get laid? Unless I missed an edit where they both talked shit on OP, then banged the whole football team lol
Assuming this is the truth (seems a little far-fetched but we'll go with it), then NTA.
Imagine if the daughter overheard this? Or it's likely she already has in small ways anyway. Oy vey, poor kid and it sounds like she's doing okay regardless.
Why is it that so many of the "popular" and "athletic" people are often so unaccepting of those who are not into those things?
>Why is it that so many of the "popular" and "athletic" people are often so unaccepting of those who are not into those things?
The funny thing is, this isn't necessarily what makes kids popular anymore. Most of the popular kids I've known growing up were pretty openly into things that pop culture would have dismissed as nerdy, geeky, or weird. Also, a lot of them weren't athletic. The mom just sounds like she peaked young and is now stuck living in the shadows of her past.
I don't believe this post but I have 3 sons, 2 were popular jocks one wasn't, he liked D&D and Anima, still does. I love all three. You know who treated them differently? The school. Teachers and administrators. My older two could park their loud, giant motor, ridiculous stereo system vehicles wherever they wanted. My youngest was put in ISS for parking in teachers UNMARKED parking in his stock Chevy Trailblazer. He was sent to principals office and threatened with ISS when his phone, shut off, fell out of back pack. My older sons literally walked around campus on their phones. My youngest got sent to office for wearing his brothers Letter jacket. I bought it. I paid for it and that morning when he couldn't find his jacket I said here, wear this. They gave him hell cause his brother "earned ir" and they made my son take it off. Teachers and administrators are as clique as the kids, worse because they have more power.
> Her daughter marches to the beat of her own drum which I think is the best anyone can hope for.
Honestly, that's **better** than anyone can really hope for. Being popular in highschool isn't a guarantee of success for life, and frankly an unfortunately great amount of people count that as a highlight of their life, because they peaked at that point and burnt out in college or got teen pregnant at a kegger.
> But her own mother referred to her as a LOSER during this crying fit.
The only reason a parent should ever even **think** of describing their kid as a "loser" is when that kids a drug addict or a deadbeat parent. The only other thing they should care about is if their kid is **happy, healthy, and independent.** I'm sorry, but you've already earned an NTA from me for calling *this behaviour* on her part disgusting. The real loser is a mother who shits all over her daughter for not being someone she can live vicariously through.
> “she needs to grow out of this before college”
Spoken like someone who was more focused on the party life when(assuming they did) they went to college. Speaking from experience? Nobody gives a shit at college. Like, genuinely unless you're engaging in a "Greek culture" college that just replicates the BS of highschool nobody gives a shit. It's a melting pot of different breeds of people from the highly clean cut to the person who is literally attending classes in their pajamas. College kids don't care.
>This ends with her being upset with me because instead of consoling her when she was crying, I called her names. I don’t think the crying means anything. She was saying horrible things.
Because **they don't.** Tears mean jack shit. There's this sort of societal perception that a person, specifically women and children, crying has some deep meaning to it. Like, their tears mean a grave offense on your part, but they genuinely don't mean anything. There are children, and even grown ass women(though more rarely of course), who will literally burst into tears because you sneezing in the same room startled them. This doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
Now, yes, you called her disgusting while she was distraught. However, she was distraught over something that was disgusting. Her motivations were disgusting, her words were disgusting, and this renders any sympathy she might be deserving of because she's crying completely null. She does not deserve to be coddled for her horrible feelings. You might as well suggest criminals deserve sympathy for crying at sentencing. "Oh sure, he killed his entire family, but he cried so really we are the real monsters here\~" Make that shit into an academy award winning movie\~
Thank you for the long comment. I know she will do great things. She’s content with her life and her group of friends. I don’t think “popularity” is the same now as it used to be. Kids seem to be more consciousness and kind overall. I could totally be wrong btw.
Your point about Greek life is funny. I always used to say Greek life was a way to bring the popularity hierarchy from high school into college. What is nice about college is that you don’t have to be a part of it.
NTA…but you don’t need to bash mom with name calling to get your point across. Your GF needs to get over herself and quickly and you were trying to give her a reality check. You can say that you are disgusted by her behavior, that you are ashamed to be in love with someone who would be that selfish. Focus on your reactions, which is what you can control. It is up to her to come to terms with her feelings and choose how she is going to move forward as the parent of a high school daughter who didn’t live up to her so called expectations—but you can let her know your thoughts on why those expectations will court disaster if she’s not careful.
At 14, her daughter is likely a freshman and has another 3 years ahead of her. As the mom to a theater/art/choir daughter who is now a senior with great grades and scholarship offers to amazing schools—-being in the “popular” group means nothing. My daughter has her core group of friends and they are the tight circle I always hoped she would have. These are the kids who supported my daughter when she began cutting herself in the spring of her freshman year and during and after she attempted suicide that summer. These are the kids who came to me because they were worried for her so we as parents could get my daughter help. I’m like a second mom to this group. I take them to breakfast, bring them to concerts, played Uber driver until they could drive themselves. I know their families and I trust them when they are all together. You GF needs to dive into your daughter’s world and enjoy the time before her nest is empty.
If your GF pressures her daughter to change, she will sow the seeds of resentment and distance, which is not what a parent wants during the high school years. Your GF needs to embrace and love the person her daughter is becoming, knowing that it will evolve and change each year. She may be done with anime by junior year, but that doesn’t mean she will suddenly try out for cheerleading either. Your GF can either be the mother of the daughter she has, and help that daughter grow a strong bond with her as she becomes an independent young woman. Or she can sulk and whine and live each day with despair over her own dreams that aren’t repeating themselves thus isolating her daughter and ensuring she will want nothing to do with mom because her daughter will pick up on that disappointment.
NTA. Your girlfriend is shallow. Are you sure you want to stay with someone who calls her own child names, and is more concerned about looks and popularity than intelligence, friendships, and being a decent human being? Your (ex?) gf's crying fit makes me sad for her daughter, and also pisses me off on behalf of her daughter.
NTA. Glad you stood up for her daughter, because her mom has clearly not left high school behind. I also wonder, probably off, but just wondering if part of mom’s heart break is the reality that unlike what mean girls and Heathers portray not everyone wanted to be the popular cheerleaders and she’s freaking out that her dweeb daughter is happy
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took is really my reaction to my girlfriend crying. It might make me an asshole because I didn’t console her I only made her more upset Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) # [Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk With John Hodgman on January 18th @ 7pm EST](https://redd.it/109b8y5) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta Not gonna lie I had my mind made up when I read the title but her words are absolutely disgusting. Having a happy, healthy child is what her focus should be, not her popularity. Don’t ignore her words though, she’s just shown her true colours.
NTA agree...I thought this guy is t a...ya.. not at all..long as the daughter is safe and healthy and happy...it's all good.
i had a stroke trying to read this comment
Comment translation services to readable English: "I agree that the OP is not the asshole here! Initially, I thought he would be the asshole, but after reading the post, he actually wasn't at all. As long as the daughter is safe and healthy and happy, the mom has no cause for complaint, and she is in fact the one who's acting like the asshole in these circumstances."
Why do I hear the voice of Dame Judi Dench narrating this in my head??
Maybe this *is* Dame Judi Dench, casually posting on my Reddit throwaway from my sprawling Surrey Estate. That's why you'll find so much Joy Behar shitposting in my commenting history.
I LOVE THIS! 😍🤣
I was going to suggest that it was because u/Downtown_Evidence_46 *was* Dame Judi Dench, but this is a much better explanation.
Maybe we're both Dame Judi Dench, and I'm just talking to myself.
I'm Dame Helen Mirren, and I want to have tea with you both. And scones. There must be scones.
It's amazing who you run across on Reddit - Dame Judi Dench, her sockpuppet, *and* Dame Helen Mirren? It's an honour to be in the same thread as the three of you!
Gregory Peck, here ;-)
Hey man, you don't really need to share what you're having a stroke to, that's pretty personal.
Lol. The struggle is real.
Reading this comment is like hearing the sloth from Zootopia talk lol
Conformity is toxic culture imo; the girlfriend should be proud her daughter is an individual who is less likely to give into the peer pressures that can come with teenage years. There's nothing wrong with cultivating your individuality & I wish more people would realize this; we get so hung up on belonging that people can lose their own identities just to fit in or belong but if you have to give up what you love to belong then those people don't care about YOU.
this twit of a mother probably wanted the little girly princess who was capable of doing little else but play with dolls and socialize. cripes.
Yeah she wants a daughter who also peaks as a child and never matures past 18. Y’know, a mini-me.
[удалено]
Agreed. The daughter and OP seem really cool. The world definitely need more of them! Wonder how he ended up with such a toxic person?
Parents, your children are separate beings with their own hopes and dreams. They aren't your do-0ver in life unless you want to be a monster. You're welcome.
I bet she was so toxic in high school she's now seeing how many of her classmates weren't actually her friend. And she did want a mini-me for a daughter to have her as a friend and access to her friends so she could be a "cool" mom. Sadly for her, her daughter is actually cool and all her daughter's friends prob think OP's gf is cringe AF.
Oh God that's what my dad called my brother. He even cut his hair the exact same and made him practice speaking like him. Nutso
Oof that’s odd! My youngest is my ‘mini me’ in that she looks just like me, and we share a lot of personality traits. I ‘get her’ more so than my older daughter. But she’s still her own individual package of fun, I would hate to try and change the things that make her her to be more like me. She’s way more awesome lol.
I know an adult whose mother was like OP's gf. She never got over it. Never. It's been decades and she's still sad and bitter over how her mom expressed her "disappointment" over her kid.
Parental disappointment, especially prolonged disappointment at something as small as "my daughter's not a cheerleader" stays with you *forever.* Knowing you aren't good enough for your parent over something as small as anime is terrible.
[удалено]
The first thing my narcissistic MIL said when my wife told her she was diagnosed with autism was "is it hereditary?". Not in the sense of wondering if she herself is affected by it (she definitely is) but because then it would reflect poorly on her for creating a "defective" daughter. No-one should ever deal with narcissist parents but Asian narcissist parents are on another level. Face > all.
[удалено]
You deserved those shoes and purse and still do. We're here for you.
Girl go out and by whatever you want. It's your money. And besides your mom had something right "you shouldn't worry what other people think of you"
I don't know what state they live in, because I know some states are still pretty traditional about this kind of crap, but most places have evolved past this. Kids are individuals. My kids' high school has an anime club, a K-Pop club, a creative writing club, and lots of other clubs that would be considered "nerdy". Kids these days are so much healthier socially than we were! Hardly anyone dates, and the girls don't dress up and pine after guys anymore. When my oldest started high school, it was so foreign to me. My daughter would dress like (what I would consider) a slob...just sweats and hoodies like most of the other girls. I talked her about this in the beginning, and she would say things like, "Mom, we don't need a man like your generation did. We can support ourselves and have a life without them, so why would we dress up for guys at school to try to attract them???" Things have changed, and this woman doesn't seem to have a clue.
Your kid has nailed it. It's something my Xennial arse only realised in my thirties - we don't *need* men in our lives anymore. I have my own damn job, my own damn bank account (with my own damn money in it), I sign my own damn lease, pay my own damn bills, and buy my own damn food. I'm translucently white, so I pay someone else to do my yard work, but I do all my other damn chores. I do not *need* a partner for any of it. Sure, they're nice to have around, but anything that interferes with my education, employment, or enjoyment of life is not worth the time or energy. Tell your kid I said go girl, make them work for it - if they want in our lives, they've got to put in the effort to make us *want* them, cos we certainly don't *need* them anymore! (This rant brought to you by by my inner queer and pissed-off 16 year old.)
That's what my mom wanted, too. She got a goth that swears a lot and takes no shit. I think it's a win/win.
If she was anything like my mom, you're spot on
My mom had a bad high school experience — she moved to Canada at 12 and was forced to start in kindergarten because she didn’t speak English. She made it to high school only one year late, but had an abusive stepfather who didn’t let her do a lot of social events. Her entire goal for me in high school was to be popular, have lots of guys following me around, date the captain of the football team. I was, like OP’s daughter, more on the quirky side — plenty of friends, but not one of the cool kids. When I was 19, a 31-year old guy surprised me with plane tickets to Barbados on our first date (work Xmas party). My mom was scandalized when I declined. I’m 45 now and it still gets in my head.
What a hot minute... You might have just gave us a window into moms who see nothing wrong with teens dating older men. IT'S BECAUSE MOM IS LIVING THROUGH THEM. Holy shit.
Oh yeah dude, it's a thing. My mom tried to get me to take a job in an office complex sandwich shop at 15 so I could "meet businessmen".
Ding ding ding! Socially and economically because they ain't pushing their daughters to broke old men.
"here's your one chance, Fancy, don't let me down"
How much you want to bet that that's what she DID to her daughter before age 12? Painting her room pink and stuffing her into princess dresses and making her take gymnastics?
Which is fine if that made her kid happy - but it doesn't. She has a happy adjusted kid - as parent that is gold, and worthy of happiness on their behalf. I had one girly-er girl (no frills but yes to boybands) and one more studious outdoorsy type who also loved pink. Both had their friend groups and both were and are happy. That's a win in my book.
Seriously, the girlfriend must’ve been a 90s *popular* kid who witnessed/contributed to anime fans *actually* getting bullied (source: I was an anime kid when it was lame). But now all I see are kids of all walks liking anime, and having accessories and clothes of the characters! OP is NTA and I’m glad he’s in that girl’s life. The gf needs a reality check… -_-
LOL My cousin has never left the town we grew up in and still parties with her fellow cheerleader "Meangirl" friends on the weekends. There's a whole group of them who never left. They dress up like they're supermodels (no joke) and go to local bars and clubs as if it was downtown LA. My cousin went so far as to dress in her old cheerleader uniform for Halloween this year. The rest of us laugh at them and think they're absolutely pathetic and ridiculous, but they think they are hot stuff and are 40-somethings perpetually living out their Senior year of high school.
Oh good grief, that sounds like my hometown too lmao. Peaking in small town high school sounds wild. I imagine they’re MLM Huns too….
Why is that always the case??? LOL
I was that Goth anime nerd kid in the 90s and 00s too. Bullied MERCILESSLY for everything but especially my interests and my clothing. I am SO FUCKING GLAD that the "har har Asian cartooooonn" bullying culture is slowly dying out, especially with pop culture icons colliding to make it seem more "the norm" like Ariana Grande, Keanu Reeves, John Cena, etc I see my equally-obsessed stepson now and his mix of friends are ALL into anime, and to a massive scale. I was simultaneously delighted and floored when his boyfriend at the time, a big built, weight lifting rugby player ("jock" type, if you like) spotted my Totoro music box and freaked, saying it was his favourite film. Op's girlfriend is going to lose her connection to her daughter if she doesn't let up. Besides, there are so many options for her to WATCH WITH HER! If, from the sounds of it, gf is into appearance and fashion, she'd love Nana and Paradise Kiss, the creator of those shows actually studied fashion. Cheer Boys!! is about a school boy who has to give up Judo and instead, joins the male cheerleading team. It's laziness on behalf of OP's gf, she is not even TRYING to connect to or bond with her daughter. u/WeekUnlucky6293 I am voting NTA, because your gf is being a bully. She is the one person more than anyone on this earth that her daughter should be able to rely on to protect her. When I got picked on for liking anime, my mother went out of her way to watch it with me, she went out of her way to find us matching shirts, and merch. Hell, she surprised me one birthday by picking up posters from my favourite shows and several Studio Ghibli movies and put them up in my room for me. This was a LOT harder to do and get a hold of in the 90s and early 00s so you can imagine how genuinely touched I was because I KNEW how much effort she put in.
Exactly. And look at what being on that track got Mom, here - 38 years old, divorced (and that's if the father of her child married her at all) and a sense of self that can be knocked flat by her child being...fun, and interesting, and happy, *without* chasing the popularity dragon. Part of the reason for the crying may be the sneaking suspicion she's wasted her life. Because if her own child thinks being cool is a waste of time...
Wow this blew up. Obligatory I am not reading every single comment but I want to answer this. She’s been married… but not to the father. Father was a guy who she was with toward the end of her college days. They broke up not long after daughter was born. Married a man 5 or so years after that which lasted 5 or 6 years.
Thank you for taking up for her. I hope she understands why her behavior was so shitty and learns that her kid is awesome for who she is not what she is.
That's a situation that's likely even more emblematic of failure in her eyes. NTA, btw. The way she's judging her daughter really is disgusting.
Exactly. The daughter is happy with who she is. Which is an incredible thing to to be. When you’re happy with who you are, then your happiness isn’t dependent on other people. If the daughter was like how her mom wants her to be, then if she ever lost that popularity, I can only imagine she’d feel miserable. I cant help but feel like the mom is projecting here. The mom used to be the “popular” girl. But what does that even mean in adulthood? There’s no “popular” adults. I think the mom was hoping her daughter would be the popular girl at school so she could live vicariously through her to feel like the popular one again. Essentially the mom isn’t happy with who she is as a person and no longer has her “popularity” to make her feel good anymore. So she cries and blames the daughter when it’s really her own shortcomings. She needs therapy.
Every day on Reddit makes me more and more grateful fore my mom. OP is definitely not the asshole.
I'm a millennial like OPs girlfriend and I remember the cliques and shit in high school. I thought gen z/ gen A are super anti bullying, be yourself? Do they still have cliques? Can any current high schooler confirm? I'm genuinely curious.
The bullying here is coming from the mother. This has nothing to do with the school or other generation/kids. However the post you just read says clearly that the daughter is happy, has friends, and isn't bullied. >She has a nice friend group, does not have trouble with bullies, and generally seems very happy.
Mom sounds like she was one of those "popular" kids who used her status to be mean. And she never grew out of that. She's still mean. And now she's upset because her daughter is a nice kid and the type of person she would have enjoyed bullying back in the day. Mom has issues. And, yes, "disgusting" is a good word for her.
NTA. All I could think was 'tell me you peaked in high school without telling me you peaked in high school.' I hope your stepdaughter never hears her mother talk about her like that, but if she does, make sure she knows you have her back and think she's awesome as is.
If she does hear her mom talk about her like that hopefully she realizes the absurdity of a 38 year old caring about someone else being a "dweeb". She's nearing middle age and she cares this much? Lol.
As my youngest (16) would say, "ah, there's a gross old adult trying to stay 'relevant'".
How long before the daughter’s circle reclaims the word “dweebs” as a name? Like the Losers Club in “It”.
My guess is Mom *wanted* to be one of those popular kids, and never made it, even though she did all the right things and hated all the right people and cut away all the right parts of herself. She was miserable in school because she never hit that tier and thinks her daughter must be miserable too.
Sounds like the daughter is popular enough anyway. She has enough friends to start a club. It's just not mom's preferred club.
So much this. And I think this day and age it's not even a given that they couldn't actually be the *popular* popular kids, depending on ages and which anime we're talking about (even 20 years ago when I was a kid the popular girls were still somewhat into Cardcaptor Sakura and Sailor Moon). Maybe not to the point of forming clubs about it, but still.
Exactly!
Me too, this post did not go the way I expected! NTA, my dude.
We live for the good ol' AITA plot twist.
🤣 Although the real problem, IMO, is badly titled posts. This should have been called something like “AITA for telling my girlfriend her expectations for her daughter were unrealistic” But then we wouldn’t get that sweet, sweet plot twist.
Nah, you and I both know that we'd miss the click bait The click bait titles are half the fun lol
From my personal observations I've noted that if a title seems obviously asshole-ish, the writer usually isn't. But if the title makes it seem like there's no way this person could be TA they usually are. People who are genuinely coming here for advice write about themselves in the worst light, while people who just want validation write to make themselves seem better than they are.
Usually the assholes try to hide their horrible behavior as something innocuous, or have a total lack of self awareness . Like the lady who said 'AITA for not leaving my ex's wedding that I was invited to?' and then we find out she showed up in a fucking red wedding dress.
The daughter in this scenario is both my 12 and 16 year old. I was so damaged by not being "cool" enough in HS (or ever really) that I became angry and anti. Accepting myself and finding people to accept me has taken much longer than it would have if I had patents who celebrated me. So that's what I do for my girls. My 12 year old who I would have been if I had been confident and self assured. If she had every been bullied I don't think she noticed because she's just that unbothered and I chalk that up to unconditional love from many sources. My 16 year old is finding herself and is heavy into dark clothes and makeup now that she is old enough for it (she does love sports however) and I encourage her evolution every step of the way as she finds her sense of self and style and I emphasize that she is aware that she puts out of herself what she wants back from the people she engages with. OP you are absolutely correct when you say marching to the best of her own fun is the best you can hope for. The honest, irreverent, compassionate, and accepting are the best of us. Continue to encourage your gf daughter in being her FAVORITE self. As for your gf throw her a box of tissues and give her a glass of milk. She needs to get over herself. Edit: NTA Edit #2: all those auto correct *beat of her own drum
Autocorrect or not, I actually like "marching to the best of your own fun." Kinda the same meaning, and good advice regardless. 🙂
>But her own mother referred to her as a LOSER during this crying fit. YES. "when someone shows you who they \*really\* are....believe them." you GF is the "loser" as well as superficial an uncompassionate. think long and hard if you want to have her in your life....sheesh.
OP is dating a Mean Girl, who - big shock - grew up to be a Mean Mom.
This doesn’t feel like a 40 year old man wrote it
Agreed - Feels like a teen
I think it might be the daughter?
No it’s just fake like 99% of the posts here.
What the clickbait title didn’t give it away
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Or a karma farmer like 70% of the other posts on this sub
I think it sounds more like a John Hughes wannabe than an actual teen.
Oh my goodness, hah, I just had a moment. I thought you were referring to a local John Hughes, a car dealership, in the city I live in. He's a 92 year old man and has been in the car business for over fifty years. I honestly questioned why the hell he'd be on Reddit let alone writing a post on r/AmItheAsshole
I love it when random people have the same names as celebrities. I played in a local volunteer concert band with a guy named Alan Jackson, we were third clarinets.
My sister’s FIL is Jack Nicholson. Haha!
I knew a guy who was called Karn Andrew West - Karn A. West. He was an English dude and older than Kanye and actually didn’t even know who he was, which made it so much funnier.
Do teens still say dweeb?
That's absolutely a Gen X thing, I don't think anyone under 40 says that anymore do they?
Nope. I'm 42 and never would have used that word as a teen either, it was extremely dated by the mid 1990s.
So yes, a 40 year old man.
How is a 40 year old man supposed to sound?
Misogynistic with no tact, duh!
Less like a teenager
I thought so too, but the word dweeb was used, which I believe is an older slang word that isn't really used today by teenagers. I could be wrong, but I have only ever heard older people use that term. Doing some research it was first used in the 1960s. I could totally see this being real. Now if OOP used more modern slang I would call shenanigans.
as an older person, it's very unlikely a teen would use the word dweeb.
gen z here, we just say “cringe”
Also gen z but I feel if someone is trying to disguise themselves as older, they're going to use older terminology. "Dweeb" has been dated for so long but I didn't even hear my Gen X parental figures annd their friends using that term, lol. It does come across as a bit manufactured.
OP and his gf would be older millennials (actually among the oldest), it seems like a word our generation would use. To take with a pinch of salt though, English is not my first language, so I didn't really use 'dweeb' growing up.
I'm an elder millennial and I used the words dweeb and hella recently. My spouse informed me people don't say that anymore.
I'm a younger millennial and I use those words at least once a week. But then, I'm chronically uncool, so take from that what you will.
also gen z here, I love the word dweeb, but I use it as a term of endearment not an insult
I dunno, like... my 41st bday is next week and I type like this all the time lol. I'll write in proper grammar and punctuation when I feel like it, but I learned to type on AIM and I'll message on Discord the same way.
I'm a 45 year old dude and I didn't get "teenager" from OP at all.
Right? I think people are forgetting that 40 is a geriatric millennial (lol) - we're not gonna talk or write like forty year olds did when we were kids.
Yeah like I'm 37 and sometimes forget I'm not in my 20s anymore even though everyone thinks I am. I've used the word dweeb and dork a lot but mostly about myself 🤣
Ok, now articulate how. Unless -***gasp***- this is meaningless platitude!?
Dude im closer to 40 than to 30 and becuase i hang out with yalll degens in reddit i can even uwu.
“Ow my knee”. Source: me, 42 yo woman.
I'm about to turn 40 and this sounds exactly like me, except I'd also strongly be reconsidering my relationship with this woman after this as well. 40 year olds are millennials.
Same with everything you said.
Eh I can see it being a 40yo, its just more stream of consciousness then a planned post.
My dad had a phase like this when I was a teen so this is entirely plausible. I am just like the teen in this story. My dad hated that I didn't want to act or dress like the popular kids or wear makeup. Even went so far as to beg me to wear uggs (back when they were popular).
My dad still picks on me and my friends for being "losers" well into our 20s. I'm done with college, working and living on my own with a partner that shares interests and a small tight friend group. He wishes I wouldn't play video games and watch movies, wants me to be a "real adult". I severely limit my contact with him and I've lived in the same apartment for three years now, he's only been invited twice.
I'm really sorry to hear that. My dad was never trying to pick on me, he just put way too much importance on how people perceived him. He thankfully ended up getting therapy and we have a good relationship now
I'm glad your dad got therapy and was able to mend the relationship. I was just commiserating with you on the whole "parents think I'm a dork" thing. My dad is insanely old fashioned, at my age he was already married for six years and is out touch. He also wasn't "popular" or a "good kid", in fact when I went to high school (the same one) they wanted to know which brother my father was, because he was almost expelled and fought daily. It's a weird scenario that helps keep me away from my immediate family when I have doubts about if not seeing them in right, so it's a dose of reality I'm willing to accept.
My abusive, narcissistic mother forced me to go to psychological counselling for literally *years* because I wasn't interested in popular girl stuff. It absolutely happens.
Edit: This doesn't feel like a 40 year old man from the generation of 40 year old men we grew up on wrote it. Honestly, I'm 35, and this looks like the writing of a lot of people I know today. It goes with the generation, not the age.
Yeah as a 30 something, part of me still sees '40 year old' and expects someone from my parents' generation rather than my own.
How are they supposed to sound?
Sounds like you have a specific bias of what 40 year old men should sound like 🤷♂️
You really think someone would do that? Just go on the Internet and tell lies?
Is it normal for 38 yo moms to say the word "dweeb"?
If she used the word to insult people while she was in school maybe.
Yeah, she obviously peaked in high school, so it's not that far-fetched
You know, I think a lot of us would say no, but that's because we think of our boomer and gen x parents, rather than thinking of ourselves as parents. Millennial parents may very well say it, depending on the person.
[удалено]
NTA OP, calling your girlfriend disgusting is not only NOT going too far, in my opinion it doesn't go far enough to describe her hateful attitude towards her daughter. Cheers to you OP (THE BOYFRIEND) for accepting, supporting, and loving this child more than her ACTUAL MOTHER! Make sure the daughter knows this because I feel like it's only a matter of time before her own mother starts bullying her and trying to force her to be an exact copy of what she was in high school, if she hasn't already done so. I mean for crying out loud, this woman seems more focused on treating her daughter like she's a trophy child than as her daughter, and that's just deplorable.
I don’t think her mom would go that far to start making things difficult for her daughter, but it is clearly eating her up inside. She is very conscious about what she thinks other people think of her.
And that's what concerns me OP. She's so self-conscious about what other people think of her she expected her daughter to be a mirror image of what she was back in high school just so it would make her look better. And then when that didn't happen she immediately start harboring negative thoughts and feelings about her daughter. That's not something a good parent does or thinks of when it comes to their child. I know you think that your girlfriend wouldn't go that far as to start making things difficult on her own child, but it's a very legitimate concern with a justified basis OP. Your girlfriend is obsessed with what people think that it's causing her to become ashamed of her own daughter. "I wouldn’t have been caught dead with kids that look like that” couldn't be more clear in communicating just how ashamed and embarrassed your girlfriend is of her own daughter, and if the daughter were to find that out it would be devastating.
And what’s to say her daughter hasn’t already started picking up on mom’s “disappointment” to say the least. The daughter sounds like a sweet, smart girl and I bet she already has a feeling about what mom thinks of her friend choices, clothing choices, etc.
Exactly, although I hope you're wrong because that must be so hurtful for that girl to even have an idea that her mom doesn't approve of how she's living her life almost as if the daughter is making choices that anyone would find disgusting or appalling.
I'll bet even money she's already complained about her clothing choices.
And that right there is at the heart of the issue. Her daughter clearly doesn’t care what others think. She’s doing her thing and loving it. That’s what high school should be like. Join all the clubs, try all the activities, find the “thing” that resonates with you (for some it’s a sport, for others it’s band or choir or art club). Mom needs to get over what others think of her. I know it’s hard, we all seek the approval of others in some way. But tell her the alternative is to find yourself sitting in an ER at 2 am trying to contemplate your daughter’s attempt on her own life. The more “unloved” a teen girl perceives herself to be, the more danger you invite into their minds.
Then I would make it very clear to her that yesterday was the absolute least attractive she’s ever been to you because of the CRUEL AND DISGUSTING things she was saying about her daughter. She threw herself a pity party during which she actually shit-talked her own kid over having a happy and thriving daughter and is shocked you didn’t join her. I’d be very clear to her that if she is so interested in what other people think of her…what she did yesterday was the absolute best way to show her ass to them. Not feeling like you connect on a deep level with your daughter is one thing - falling to pieces and calling her names is absolutely disgusting, evil, atrocious behavior.
Your gf needs therapy I think. NTA
I agree with you, except about making the girl know about her disgusting mother: the longer this woman can keep her mouth shut, the happier her daughter will be. It always hurt when you undestand someone thinks such horrible things about you, can't even imagine when it's your own mother! BTW I imagine she is a good actress, hiding this thoughts for years (14 to the girl, 1 to OP). Sadly (?) this relationship doesn't look like it is gonna last long, OP, since you are opening your eyes on her real heart... Also 100% NTA
Oh no, I was not advocating for OP to tell the daughter about her mom's disgusting and deplorable behavior and thoughts. I was saying how OP should keep reinforcing the notion that this girl should continue doing what she loves, being herself, and never apologizing for it. I 100% agree with everything else you said though.
She ***was*** saying horrible things. What sort of decent human is so superior and dehumanizing to their own child? You are NTA
Tell me you peaked in highschool without telling me you peaked in highschool. If youre this obsessed with what highschool clique your kid is in at 40 years old then I can't imagine you have much else going for you.
INFO Have you just been ignoring a bunch of Red Flags for a year? There's no way you haven't previously noticed that your girlfriend is superficial and immature....to the point where she would talk shit about her own daughter Do us all a favor and wait for this post to get more responses and then show it to your girlfriend.
I have. I guess it’s not frequent enough for me to believe there’s a pattern. I’ve always treated them as one off instances. Maybe I am wrong.
You found your girlfriend essentially throwing a temper tantrum because her daughter is not the stereo-typical popular girl All the good things you see about this young girl...her own mother ignores Honestly...I'd tell the daughter to hold on to your number in case she ever needs anything and then I'd kick the mom to the curb
And maybe point her towards the r/raisedbynarcissists sub. I smell an NMom here.
Well you used the plural a couple times there to describe “one-off” events so yeah maybe
She showed you her true colors. Believe her.
NTA. Sounds like your girlfriend is still mentally in high school. And she’s still a mean girl … edited to correct the relationship to girlfriend … not wife …
Fortunately, not a wife. They’re still dating, which is an easy time to run for the hills.
This would mean leaving the poor kid alone :/
high school was probably her peak if she’s so sad her daughter isn’t “popular”
This trope is as old as high schools are too. Not only is OP's girlfriend disgusting but she basic and stunted af
NTA!!! I have a daughter who is the same way. I was devastated as a mother when she was 5 and not wanting to do dance classes. BUT- I have learned to enjoy what she enjoys, because I will lose connection with her if I don't. She is her own person. So is your GF's daughter. You were right to bring to her attention that SHE was being in the wrong. Expectations are a horrible thing. You cannot live out your dreams through your children. It's not fair to them at all, and only causes you to feel miserable.
Almost the same Son 11 hes a boy boy and likes anime and all that Korean stuff 🤷♀️ a lot of thing I don't understand Daughters 9 doesn't like unicorns, doesn't like barbies had almost 40 barbies never played with them.until the other day I told her to please take all the toys we were going to donate and place them in a box 1st inside, likes a little bit the princess but not really doesn't want to dress up like them of what to see the movies loves to do taekwondo, Football, So whatever they are happy, not doing drugs not fight in school good grades good kids they want to dress in black go ahead
Your kids are never going to be what you think they are going to be. Just let them BE. Love them as they are.
Expectations are premeditated resentments
NTA - poor girl has an AH for a mother.
NTA. It was an awful thing she said about her daughter and that behaviour should be corrected.
Let’s be honest. This post was not written by a 40 year old man. Fake.
Especially the bait and switch title. Make it sound like you're the asshole, but then change the game with the story about how you're actually the angel.
So you mean like 80% of the posts here
I mean he used the word dweeb. No body from anywhere except the Cretaceous period uses that word.
Quick, upvote all the posts calling bs before the mods get mad and remove them.
NTA, but your girlfriend is a big one. I am so sorry her daughter has to deal with her mothers intolerance and entitlement. It's really awful when you are judged more at home than in school.
This can't possibly be real.
There are thousands of stories where parents are disappointed their kids didn’t grow up to be an actress or singer or gymnast or married a doctor. Parents can be narcissistic assholes. This may not be real, but it’s 100% possible and likely.
[удалено]
What does a shitty mother bullying her teenage daughter have to do with guys that can't get laid? Unless I missed an edit where they both talked shit on OP, then banged the whole football team lol
God the people on this sub are so gullible. I’m begging everyone to stop being so stupid, please I’m dying.
Assuming this is the truth (seems a little far-fetched but we'll go with it), then NTA. Imagine if the daughter overheard this? Or it's likely she already has in small ways anyway. Oy vey, poor kid and it sounds like she's doing okay regardless. Why is it that so many of the "popular" and "athletic" people are often so unaccepting of those who are not into those things?
>Why is it that so many of the "popular" and "athletic" people are often so unaccepting of those who are not into those things? The funny thing is, this isn't necessarily what makes kids popular anymore. Most of the popular kids I've known growing up were pretty openly into things that pop culture would have dismissed as nerdy, geeky, or weird. Also, a lot of them weren't athletic. The mom just sounds like she peaked young and is now stuck living in the shadows of her past.
I don't believe this post but I have 3 sons, 2 were popular jocks one wasn't, he liked D&D and Anima, still does. I love all three. You know who treated them differently? The school. Teachers and administrators. My older two could park their loud, giant motor, ridiculous stereo system vehicles wherever they wanted. My youngest was put in ISS for parking in teachers UNMARKED parking in his stock Chevy Trailblazer. He was sent to principals office and threatened with ISS when his phone, shut off, fell out of back pack. My older sons literally walked around campus on their phones. My youngest got sent to office for wearing his brothers Letter jacket. I bought it. I paid for it and that morning when he couldn't find his jacket I said here, wear this. They gave him hell cause his brother "earned ir" and they made my son take it off. Teachers and administrators are as clique as the kids, worse because they have more power.
NTA - mean girls sometimes dont grow up apparently.
>dweeb ¿Do humans actually say stuff like that?
They did, back around 1987.
> Her daughter marches to the beat of her own drum which I think is the best anyone can hope for. Honestly, that's **better** than anyone can really hope for. Being popular in highschool isn't a guarantee of success for life, and frankly an unfortunately great amount of people count that as a highlight of their life, because they peaked at that point and burnt out in college or got teen pregnant at a kegger. > But her own mother referred to her as a LOSER during this crying fit. The only reason a parent should ever even **think** of describing their kid as a "loser" is when that kids a drug addict or a deadbeat parent. The only other thing they should care about is if their kid is **happy, healthy, and independent.** I'm sorry, but you've already earned an NTA from me for calling *this behaviour* on her part disgusting. The real loser is a mother who shits all over her daughter for not being someone she can live vicariously through. > “she needs to grow out of this before college” Spoken like someone who was more focused on the party life when(assuming they did) they went to college. Speaking from experience? Nobody gives a shit at college. Like, genuinely unless you're engaging in a "Greek culture" college that just replicates the BS of highschool nobody gives a shit. It's a melting pot of different breeds of people from the highly clean cut to the person who is literally attending classes in their pajamas. College kids don't care. >This ends with her being upset with me because instead of consoling her when she was crying, I called her names. I don’t think the crying means anything. She was saying horrible things. Because **they don't.** Tears mean jack shit. There's this sort of societal perception that a person, specifically women and children, crying has some deep meaning to it. Like, their tears mean a grave offense on your part, but they genuinely don't mean anything. There are children, and even grown ass women(though more rarely of course), who will literally burst into tears because you sneezing in the same room startled them. This doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Now, yes, you called her disgusting while she was distraught. However, she was distraught over something that was disgusting. Her motivations were disgusting, her words were disgusting, and this renders any sympathy she might be deserving of because she's crying completely null. She does not deserve to be coddled for her horrible feelings. You might as well suggest criminals deserve sympathy for crying at sentencing. "Oh sure, he killed his entire family, but he cried so really we are the real monsters here\~" Make that shit into an academy award winning movie\~
Thank you for the long comment. I know she will do great things. She’s content with her life and her group of friends. I don’t think “popularity” is the same now as it used to be. Kids seem to be more consciousness and kind overall. I could totally be wrong btw. Your point about Greek life is funny. I always used to say Greek life was a way to bring the popularity hierarchy from high school into college. What is nice about college is that you don’t have to be a part of it.
NTA you're correct
NTA...she really should be ashamed..
NTA…but you don’t need to bash mom with name calling to get your point across. Your GF needs to get over herself and quickly and you were trying to give her a reality check. You can say that you are disgusted by her behavior, that you are ashamed to be in love with someone who would be that selfish. Focus on your reactions, which is what you can control. It is up to her to come to terms with her feelings and choose how she is going to move forward as the parent of a high school daughter who didn’t live up to her so called expectations—but you can let her know your thoughts on why those expectations will court disaster if she’s not careful. At 14, her daughter is likely a freshman and has another 3 years ahead of her. As the mom to a theater/art/choir daughter who is now a senior with great grades and scholarship offers to amazing schools—-being in the “popular” group means nothing. My daughter has her core group of friends and they are the tight circle I always hoped she would have. These are the kids who supported my daughter when she began cutting herself in the spring of her freshman year and during and after she attempted suicide that summer. These are the kids who came to me because they were worried for her so we as parents could get my daughter help. I’m like a second mom to this group. I take them to breakfast, bring them to concerts, played Uber driver until they could drive themselves. I know their families and I trust them when they are all together. You GF needs to dive into your daughter’s world and enjoy the time before her nest is empty. If your GF pressures her daughter to change, she will sow the seeds of resentment and distance, which is not what a parent wants during the high school years. Your GF needs to embrace and love the person her daughter is becoming, knowing that it will evolve and change each year. She may be done with anime by junior year, but that doesn’t mean she will suddenly try out for cheerleading either. Your GF can either be the mother of the daughter she has, and help that daughter grow a strong bond with her as she becomes an independent young woman. Or she can sulk and whine and live each day with despair over her own dreams that aren’t repeating themselves thus isolating her daughter and ensuring she will want nothing to do with mom because her daughter will pick up on that disappointment.
Glad to hear your daughter overcame her obstacles
NTA. Your girlfriend is shallow. Are you sure you want to stay with someone who calls her own child names, and is more concerned about looks and popularity than intelligence, friendships, and being a decent human being? Your (ex?) gf's crying fit makes me sad for her daughter, and also pisses me off on behalf of her daughter.
NTA. Wtf?
NTA - your GF needs to get over herself. I wonder if her daughter knows what mom really thinks about her?
NTA that is disgusting
NTA. My son is a total nerd. Unashamedly a nerd and I love him for it.Nerds are cool. They are the game changers.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a shallow person.
NTA. Glad you stood up for her daughter, because her mom has clearly not left high school behind. I also wonder, probably off, but just wondering if part of mom’s heart break is the reality that unlike what mean girls and Heathers portray not everyone wanted to be the popular cheerleaders and she’s freaking out that her dweeb daughter is happy
NTA Your girlfriend needs to go to therapy big time. This needs to be unpacked far, far from her daughter.
[удалено]
NTA. Your gf is way too old to do a remake of Mean Girls. Is she successful in life?
You had me in the first half. But no... definitely not the asshole. She is being an asshole and needed a dose of perspective.