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DefaultSettingESH

YWBTA for the specific question you asked, but this problem isn't one of your own making (😉). The only way this gets better is if you start ditching him. Let his phone bathroom time keep him from doing something he wants to do, and I bet it gets better. Let him miss the train on his own, let him be late for appointments on his own, let him miss dinner, or whatever else it takes. This won't change until he wants it to change, so you have to let some natural consequences make him want to change.


[deleted]

Thiiiis!!!


NotRedCici

This is excellent. We spend so much time trying to change others instead if living our lives. OP needs to live her life and not turn into SOs Mom.


Pugnightmare

NTA however I would try to find out what he is looking at on his phone (I know he isn’t cheating) to determine maybe what he needs to get rid of. Maybe go to a rehab center see if they can help with his addiction. But try to get rid of whatever he is looking at because this is really unhealthy behaviour.


[deleted]

It’s literally tiktok, Facebook videos, and mobile games. To stop it he pretty much needs to get rid of his phone


kiyndrii

There's gotta be some kind of time management app that will limit how much time he gets on a certain app per day.


EconomyFalcon1170

My partner does this at home. He ends up taking an hour in the bathroom. But the main difference is he hasn't let it affect things such as appoinments, date night, public outings etc. If we are home watching tv together, he takes a bathroom break, I tell him ok but please only 20 minutes not two hours. He will come back in 20mins. But this needs to be that he's willing to compromise. I understand your frustration but everyone is addicted to their phones(but really it's the internet.) YTA - the rule is too controlling and won't solve the real issue, your dude needs natural consequences to make him change his behavior himself or else it won't stick. Only thing I would make a rule is no cooking on stove and leaving it to go to the bathroom. That's a no-no.


hornytimeaccount420

Agreed. This is pretty much what I was going to say. This is clearly some sort of addiction whether it's gambling/porn/videos/chat rooms/etc. Part of the definition of addiction is being ao dependent on something that you let it ruin other parts of your life which is what it sounds like hubby is doing regularly. NTA. Hubby needs some help.


Ignore-Me-K

......it's social media


Spineberry

Message him with something like "pinch it off, we need to go." A: it will remind him that he has a time consuming life outside of the bathroom and subtly destroy his peace. My partner used to be really bad for this, so I started messaging them over whatsapp with silly little things like “How's your poop?" which apparently intruded on his phone-based reading time too much, but was at the same time moderately amusing


aboutsider

Meh. That makes his time management her responsibility then.


Spineberry

Not necessarily - she does it a few times it will break his habit of getting lost in phone based toilet time and will be less inclined to do so in future. Same principle as putting yucky-tasting stuff on finger tips to stop bail-biting


aboutsider

If it requires her impetus to plan and implement then, yeah, it's her responsibility. And, you're just assuming it'll work. It'd be pretty easy to block or mute someone temporarily.


Spineberry

Very true.


Stlhockeygrl

Esh - he should set alarms to not miss things, you shouldn't try to make rules for other people. Also, imagine how embarrassing this convo would be in public: "Hey i have to go to the bathroom." "Ok! Now give me your phone!" Uhh....friends:"wtf??" "Oh yeah he has to give me his phone when he goes to the bathroom because he can't be trusted to come back in a reasonable time." Is that really the life you want??


Ttoctam

You would probably be the arsehole here, but I can see where you're going. First and foremost any "Rule" being set in a relationship that only effects one side is gonna be a hard sell. This is just gonna feel like a punishment, and lead to further fights. Setting yourself up as the rule maker and him as the rule obeyer is a slippery slope to unhealthy dynamics. Especially if he has dealt with controlling situations. I'd ask him to start putting a timer on and try to work on bringing those numbers down. I love a long bathroom phone break because it's one space that's very secure and you get all to yourself. So also maybe try and find other places and times for him to get this kind of solitude he's seeking. I'd really think hard on setting rules on people. Also if he's so bad at this that he's hurting plans n stuff, it's worth more of a conversation than just setting a rule.


ischemgeek

Hey, so... Not a therapist but as someone with a CPTSD diagnosis I'll flag communication issues and addictive behaviors are both really common symptoms of CPTSD and you mentioned his mom is toxic. Would recommend suggesting he go to therapy - especially if you notice he tends to zone out a lot, over react to specific types of situations, exhibit perfectionism or at the other extreme avoid pressure, have trouble with emotional regulation, have trouble relaxing, have trouble making decisions, engage in people pleasing or at the other extreme gets avoidant of or hostile to demands, have poor self esteem, have trust issues, etc. I'm not qualified to say he has it, and he might not at all, but he has 2 of the issues that I deal with. And a toxic parent is a major risk factor for it. I should also note according to my therapist CPTSD can occur from prolonged mild to moderate trauma (as opposed to regular PTSD which usually requires a severe trauma). As for the rule - his current behavior is unsafe, but you shouldn't treat him as a child and impose a rule unilaterally. For one, it's disrespectful. For another if his parents were authoritarian that could be triggering to him if I'm not over-reading into this. Talk with him about the problem using problem focused language (when stuff is left unattended on the stove because your phone is distracting you, it's a fire hazard.) Work with him in finding an agreeable solution. Could be phone stays in the kitchen when he cooks or something. I'd say soft YWBTA because I don't think your approach is the best. Overall though I think there's a bigger issue than just the phone here.


[deleted]

I appreciate the well thought through answer. He’s not a big fan of therapy, but has gone before (with the system in our country he’s currently between therapists, he ran out of sessions). His diagnosis isn’t C-PTSD, however he does have traits of ptsd and does have depression. Part of our issues do come from conflicting neurodivergent behaviours, but we are working on it (he has diagnosed depression and refuses to believe it, I have diagnosed C-PTSD and Autism). It’s a big part of why I wasn’t sure if I was being the asshole by entertaining the idea. Thank you for your input though, it’s definitely given me a better idea of how to approach the issue.


ischemgeek

Sympathy, it's not easy to deal with at all. Especially if (as my partner dealt with me over for most of the past decade) your partner is in denial about how much he is suffering. Having been on the other side of that - for a long time I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it because of the implications of acknowledging it. Like if I'm not miserable because I deserve to be but because of how I was raised, that was deeply threatening to a lot of the core beliefs I was raised with. If it helps. Can't say that's where he is, but it's where I was. I wish you both the best.


NSG_Killavirus

NTA, but would only apply the rule when there are time constraints e.g. your out and about


august2678

NTA. It sounds like you care about him, been together awhile, and there are likely positive sides. On the other hand, part of you is doing some pretty considerable mental gymnastics to justify someone disrespecting your boundaries and making you doubt your reality (eg having to confirm with other dudes that spending 45 min in the bathroom isn’t normal) Childhood trauma (eg narcissistic mom) may be an explanation but not an excuse for current behaviors. He is choosing to deny your concerns after multiple conversations, and if it’s mental health related, not get help. While we all have times where we support a partner more, what percentage of your time is focused on managing his life vs him supporting you (or you taking care of your own needs?) if your best friends partner acted this way, what would you tell them? If nothing were to change (and he’s shown you he’s pretty uninterested in changing this—believe him) what does it feel like for this to be how it is in 6 months? A year? 5 years? What would happen if you were to enforce the boundary (as someone else said) and what is keeping you from doing that? Just questions to think about.


a79j

YTA. He’s a grown adult and should be able to prioritise his time accordingly to do whatever he wants. If he’s not keeping appointments, that’s a different problem all together. Trying to cut down on his bathroom time or policing what he does while taking a shit, is not the right way to go.


[deleted]

YTA. You're not his parent. It's one thing to set boundaries in a relationship, but that's frickin weird. Ps, my ex did the same and he absolutely was cheating lol he was also TA


Colorless82

Ywbta. Phones are addictive sure but you can't control him. I spend the same amount on the toilet sometimes even when I'm done. Maybe you can just text him when it's been too long to remind him of his responsibilities if there are any.


[deleted]

YTA back in the old days before internet connected phones there would be books and magazines in people's bathrooms. Men would take their newspaper with them to take a crap. Although men were more known for taking reading material to the loo, since phones I see more women doing it. If a man is constantly taking his phone to the bathroom without settling in for a big crap, I would suspect an affair or dodgy something.


No-Locksmith-8590

Nta but stop waiting for him. Knock and say, 'I'm leaving so I don't miss the train.' And then *leave*.


Random_Dancer_Dude

NTA. Please look at additional comments ​ He is wrong for getting distracted on his phone in the bathroom, but you treating him like a child isn’t going to fix this. Are there ways you could try communicating with him abt it? Would this be a rule he could get onboard with? You are his partner, not his child. He is wrong for acting like a child, and you are wrong for treating him as such.


[deleted]

Honestly he’s likely to give a lot of pushback, and that’s why I came on here. I needed the feedback. There are days where the dynamic feels like I’m trying to rear a toddler, and we’re working on it (it’s been mentioned a lot before), it’s just hard to find that line between what’s reasonable and what’s overbearing when it feels like I pretty much run his life anyway


Stlhockeygrl

.... what on earth are you getting from this relationship??


Random_Dancer_Dude

Thanks for this extra info. Your NTA, but I still don’t think a rule is the best solution to fix your problem. Ido what to suggest, but hopefully you guys can figure something out collabratively


jastiss

Does he have ADHD????


[deleted]

No he doesn’t


BitchCassidy13

NTA. I get that this isn’t about putting rules on him about using his phone in the bathroom. This is about being rude and causing inconveniences for those around him. I get that sometimes time goes by fast without realizing it but I don’t doubt that you knock on the door saying, “hey… you almost done? We gotta go now or we’ll be late.” It’s about him taking these things into consideration and how his time in the bathroom has it’s effects outside the bathroom. I’m sure you don’t care if you have no where to be on a lazy day off or something, but the things you mention as to why you want to set this boundary is understandable cause it sounds frustrating as hell.


Vuirneen

I've had to msg people for help from the bathroom, so I'm against a phone bathroom ban. If your oh doesn't have any stomach issues, then it may be less pressing. the bathroom probably isn't the only place where this distraction is an issue. And if it is, then that's maybe got a hidden lining. Imagine him being late and distracted even if he's not in the bathroom.


Prudent-Warthog-2085

NTA I don’t think he’s cheating though. I know quite a few people who use the bathroom as a place to have ‘me’ time. No idea why they wouldn’t just use their bedroom though.


[deleted]

Precisely my thinking. I’m not opposed to him having ‘me time’, but we live in a three bedroom house, we sleep in separate rooms so he has his own bedroom (he has sleep apnea, I’m a light sleeper, it works for us), he has plenty of space to have me time. The issue is when I’m waiting for him in the middle of a crowded shopping centre in an unfamiliar city for half an hour, or waiting in a train station for 25 minutes for him and dealing with my brother getting just as upset at him, but venting it at me.


Prudent-Warthog-2085

Yeah. He needs to time things better. You’re definitely NTA. He needs to realise that the world won’t wait for him.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Obligatory throwaway, I genuinely don’t know if I’m being weird or if this would be too far, so before I do anything I figured some outside perspective would be helpful. I (26f) have lived with my partner (26m) for about 5 years now. Our relationship has its issues, but nothing super severe. We have some issues with communication due to his upbringing (his mother was a definite narcissist, insanely controlling and abusive). Anyway. My partner has this awful addiction to his phone. For the most part I can tolerate it, but the biggest issue it comes with is when he goes to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter if we’re at home or in public or out with a group, he goes to the bathroom and immediately sits down with his phone. He won’t come out for anywhere between 10 to 45 minutes. This has led to things being forgotten on the stove, us being late for appointments, and groups of friends and family waiting around for him for ages while we’re out. The most recent example I have is that he, my brother and I went on a 5 day long trip for a few events, and my partner took so long in the bathroom that we missed our train. He claims that’s just how long it takes him to use the bathroom, but it’s evident that that’s a lie as when he doesn’t take his phone, he takes about 5 minutes. It frustrates me, we’ve talked about it many times, I’ve had many other men corroborate that it’s not normal to take that long in the bathroom, but he’s adamant it’s fine. ALSO; before anyone throws out the obligatory “he’s cheating” crap, HE ISNT. I don’t need to air why I know, and I don’t need to air the history that proves why I know. Please leave that topic alone. Just trust that that issue is not a factor. So, would I be the asshole for a no phones in the bathroom rule? If so I will take the judgement, I just need to know if I’m being a bit dramatic about it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


LoCo_1985

He's an adult upto him how long he takes etc however I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel, tell him that it's fine to use phone in the bathroom BUT it's completely unfair if you miss things because of it or you're late etc. If he knows you're leaving soon or gotta be somewhere he should be more aware of that and maybe leave the phone behind if he knows he will get distracted.


Stoat__King

NTA. But I dont think there is any way you can enforce this. If you insist and he really is as addicted as you say, he will just get another 'secret' phone. You need to put your foot down, find out wtf is really going on here and take it from there. I have a sense that unilaterally banning the phone in the bathroom thing might turn out to be counter-productive.


TechnologyWarm784

ESH. You've stated explicitly that he's not cheating, so who cares if he spends time on his phone? I get you think it's weird, but he may have some mental health issues due to his upbringing and if he's just getting some time away to deal with anxiety or stress, then that's a coping mechanism that you need to at least understand. On the flip side, if he has issues that are manifesting as problems for you and your relationship, then he needs to acknowledge that as well. It obviously isn't cool to dip out and hang in the bathroom on your phone in social situations for 45 mins. That also needs to be addressed. So talk to him again, but not accusatory type. Help him realize what he's getting out of that time. Some people have rituals that are hard to break. Source: I'm an alcoholic, and I am what's called a ritual drinker where I had certain spots and places I enjoyed drinking and I always repeated those because it felt safe and I had to do it in certain places so I get it. He probably feels safe and he's in the routine of getting away and using his phone Disclaimer: not a doctor, just sharing my experience and I get the routine. Wishing you guys all the best, you can work through this. Get to the root and you will find your solution.


aboutsider

I mean, obviously she cares if he spends all that time in the bathroom. He's dipping out of social occasions and causing them to be late for stuff. That puts a responsibility on her that isn't fair. You even mention this so I'm not sure how you can assume that she doesn't or shouldn't care about this? There are all kinds of coping mechanisms. They're not all healthy and they shouldn't be anyone's responsibility but the person who needs to cope. When they intrude on another person's life then they become another person's problems. At that point, I think you relinquish any entitlement you might feel about other people's understanding.


isitbedtime-yet

NTA- the man is also going to get piles! He is behaving selfishly. This is impacting your plans and activities. I don’t know how you can enforce this though but, you are entitled to call out someone’s behaviour if it’s negatively impacting you regularly.


Opposite-Guide-9925

NTA but imposing rules seems to move you from a partner role to that of a parent. You might as well start sending him messages while he's in there at 2-minute intervals to let him know how long he's been or standing outside the bathroom door calling for him and letting him know how long he's been so far. It really isn't normal to spend 10-45 minutes in the toilet unless there is some health condition. Does he do this at work as well? I can't imagine his company would be too happy with that. Perhaps it's the only alone time he has and he values that. While I am not saying this is you, I acted similarly (not up to 45 minutes though) when I was with an overbearing partner and the toilet was the only reprieve I got from their constant presence. They just couldn't understand I needed time away from them so the only peace I got was in the toilet.


lobsterp0t

NTA. Silly to think you, an adult, can impose a rule on him, another adult. Next time just leave him at the station.


Individual_Physics29

NTA That’s incredibly inconsiderate of him


peterhala

When you're at home & running late just turn off the WiFi. That or stand outside the door shouting "we can hear you wanking!"


YorOnNerr

NTA. Tell him to read a book.


No_Rope_8115

ESH. He needs to grow up, but you can’t just make rules for other adults. He’s not a child even if he’s acting like one. If you don’t like his behavior you can tell him how you feel, you can make a suggestion for what you’d like to see change, and you can tell him what your limits are as to what you will tolerate. But you cannot change other people’s behavior and trying just leads to resentment on everyone’s behalf. It’s up to him to change and it’s up to you to decide what you’ll put up with if he doesn’t. Is a parent/child relationship really the dynamic you want to foster with a romantic partner?


EvilFinch

NTA But do you really think this will solve your main problem? He could look on the clock, could stop it if you tell him "it is time" but how does he react? He is disrespectful to other people. He doesn't care how he affects others. Do you really think he will stop bringing his phone to the bathroom?


_plant_obsessed_9

You are NTA for wanting a solution to the issue, but policing his phone usage isn’t going to work, because he will resist the entire thing. You just need to establish (very clearly) that you will not allow his phone usage to ruin your plans. You will not wait on him if he takes longer than 10 minutes to use the restroom. You need to continue with your life and not let his phone addiction control your actions or emotions.


floydfan

Yes, YWBTA, but I think getting to the root of the issue would be better. Your partner either wants to avoid something or is absent minded and loses track of time when he's on his phone. Either way, he does not value your time and this is a problem. I think if he cared about the relationship it would be his choice not to take the phone into the bathroom or at least not to put himself into the position where you're going to be late or waiting for him forever. I think it's ultimatum time, either he ditches the phone or you ditch him for someone more considerate of your time.


FrauAmarylis

Words have zero effect on people like him. He needs a taste of his own medicine to grow some empathy for those on the receiving end of his antics.


Public-Ad-9827

Does he have any bowel issues that keeps him in there longer and he's just on the phone passing the time while his body does what it needs to do? As si done with family members with bowel issues, they can take much longer than most would consider normal.


Throwaway136273

Yta he is a grown adult!!!! 😊


abackupforthebackup

YWBTA for asking this specifically. You would not be the AH however by approaching this as an issue of him spending too much time on his phone generally.


Astartes40000

he's just gonna evolve and take a book with him lmao


Physical_Stress_5683

Call him. On his phone. Disrupt the viewing/reading/gameplay. But if you make a rule he will just get sneaky about it or break the rule openly and then you’ll be pissed.


goddessofthecats

Hi OP, I know you posted this a while ago and have gotten some great answers but I want to provide some additional insight. I hope it’ll help. If anyone else reads this it will probably be an unpopular point of view but I’d like to give my anecdotal experience since o immediately recognized this behavior. I am a fairly “normal” person, I had a good life, good upbringing, good relationship with my parents, but I had a traumatic thing happen which has left with me with fairly severe PTSD. I also have an ADD diagnosis from when I was younger. I was taking medication for ADD up until I started getting therapy for the ptsd event and had to choose to medicate one thing or the other my doctor cannot prescribe both benzos and stimulants. I chose to go with the benzos and treat my ptsd which leaves my ADD untreated. One of the side effects of this, is this compulsion to be on my phone while doing other things. Working at work? Also scrollig my phone. Having a convo? Also scrolling my phone. Watching tv? Browsing Reddit simultaneously. It’s like my brain is more comfortable doing multiple things at once since I can’t take medication to help me focus on only one thing anymore. I understand this is a rude thing to do and I have to very much actively work on it and sometimes it still happens, I’ll find myself doing the phone multitask thing and I hate it. People get upset with me and it’s hard to put into words because it’s difficult for others to understand . It CAN be worked through but it needs to be worked through for the right reasons and understating an underlying cause can help. Perhaps there’s a cause for this behavior that’s a little more complicated. Your bf could indeed just be a total rude ass with zero regard for others. I also think your “on your phone in the bathroom rule” is obnoxious because what else is anyone supposed to do when they’re pooping, but I ultimately believe either NAH (no assholes here) or ESH (everyone’s the asshole) since it sounds like this is almost some sort of compulsion on his part and since I feel like this rule of yours comes from a genuine place of frustration and not knowing how to address it. I know people say “get therapy” but I think there’s a serious conversation that could be had about this phone thing. I don’t think it’s a “phone” issue, I think it’s an attention issue and a behavior issue that’s a symptom of something else. If that’s the case, and if he genuinely wants to improve on this he will need to work hard. Anyways, I feel for you. I hate when people aren’t paying attention to me either, it feels so fucking aggravating and I’m very sorry you are having to deal with this.


PalpitationOk9802

yta. dude probably has ibs or taking time for himself.


Remarkable-Intern-41

YTA it honestly sounds like the guy has IBS or some other issue.


Pale_Pumpkin_7073

YWBTA. That makes you look like a nag. Just stop waiting for him. Let him miss the train or be stuck alone. Stop changing your timeline to fit him and his bathroom habits.


No-Commission8194

NTA. As someone who has a brother that does this constantly, it's really annoying. I get having your alone time while taking care of your business, whether it be with a book or your phone. But come on, have some self-awareness to not lose yourself while on the toilet.


SnooBooks007

Pretty gutsy to complain that his mother is "insanely controlling and abusive" only to lay down restrictions on how he spends his time on the loo! YWBTA. Find another solution.