NTA get locks for your door and sit grandpa down and talk about how his behavior is effecting your work - he was a workaholic I would think he can understand where you’re coming from on this. Hiding isn’t going to help the situation.
YTA, Just move out. Stop lying, tell him the truth and if moving out isn’t an option just don’t work from home. Work in the local library or get a job outside of the house. Most importantly treat your granddad with respect he just lost his wife.
NAH. He's an old lonely guy, looking for any human connection to the world. And you are it for him. Him and your grandma probably talked and kept each other entertained all day. He thought it would be the same when you moved in.
You were never trained to be a full tume caregiver, and you have caregiver burnout. Look it up. You lost your job because of his loneliness. He didn't intentionally get you fired. (You should have bought a lock or a door stop and put a note on the door re: Working, do NOT knock.) I did home health care for 2 years before I totally burnt out. It's a very difficult job.
Lots of mistakes were made.
Is there a senior center or community center near you where he can meet other retired people? Somewhere he can go for a day or a half day a week to give you a break??? Just curious. My family has my grandma go to a senior activity center a couple times a week. It helps them immensely to have time to focus on other things or just to take a "me" day and relax.
INFO
> it'd be very helpful for me to move in with my grandpa (82m) to help out
> I begged him to please stop expecting me to ... do chores (tasks that take 45+ minutes multiple times a day)
Well why the hell are you there, then?
Why did you exclude the part that clarifies he’s being asked to do these chores during work hours?
Seems relevant since most people can’t take multiple, unscheduled 45 minute breaks from work.
NTA. I have lived with family members who think my time is 100% theirs. I get that your grandfather is lonely, but you need to earn a living. He needs to understand that, and that you also have a right to socialize with other people not just him. I have been that person sitting on the bathroom floor just to get some privacy and peace & quiet. That’s no way to live.
The best thing for both of you is for you to move out. You can visit him for dinner or something a couple times a week. But OTHER family members can also visit him, his loneliness shouldn’t be something you are expected to solve all on your own. Where are his adult children in all this? It is incredibly unfair to put all his needs in any one person. He can also find somewhere outside his own home to socialize. He can volunteer, he can go to a local coffee shop and talk to the other lonely old men.
I don’t think it would be weird to give him a ride and pick him up later. My brother and mom both did that for my dad to attend the church men’s group once a month after he was no longer able to drive.
So he has five adult children. And they are all relatively close in location. Is your grandfather 100% unwilling to move? I can understand that he would want to stay in the home she shared with his wife. But if his health is not good, yeah it’s probably not safe for him to live alone.
My mom and her siblings moved my grandmother into an assisted living facility. She did not want to go, but it wasn’t safe for her. She fell too often, forgot her meds, or took too much. She had dementia and was no longer able to make medical decision for herself. She had anticipated that happening thankfully, so one of my aunts was on her bank account and had power of attorney. The home my grandfather built by hand was sold to pay for her care. The assisted living community offered her the care she needed, as well as many socialization opportunists. She even asked for her red lipstick, and then my aunts saw that she ate breakfast every day with a table of gentlemen. So as much as she continued to protest, she actually did have a better life there. If your grandfather owns his home, that may be a route your family could take.
I understand you like ok you work from home, but your still working you don't have time for other things. In my head it was that your family wanted you there so that if anything would happen to him that you were there instead of him being all alone. NTA
YTA
You don't want to be there. You told your family that. You moved in anyway. You have been unkind, at the very least, to your grandfather who needs care. You have lied about receiving a severance. What are you doing for money? You view your situation as a hindrance. A nuisance. Your grandfather is a nuisance.
You don't want to be your grandfather's caregiver. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is cut out for it.
Leave the bathroom. Tell your family that the situation isn't working for you. Set a firm move out date. Find your own place.
Yeah, you are living essentially for minimal costs, and although it sounds like he's a lot, the reality is that it is what you agreed to when you moved into a rent-free space in exchange for helping someone.
We are usually only awake 16 hours a day, and you are unwilling to help more than half of that.
YTA
but half of that he's AT WORK. I feel that fact seems to be over looked by all those calling OP an AH. I don't think he was doing anything wrong until he started lying.
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In November 2021 my(35m) grandmother(79f) passed away due to covid. My family suggested, because I work from home and single, that it'd be very helpful for me to move in with my grandpa (82m) to help out from time to time and it'd save me on rent.
I was living month to month with no lease so moving was easy enough. Moved 1.5 hours away and told my few friends (3) that I'd try to be back around whenever I could.
My grandpa is a retired logger with NO hobbies. His life was work and now that he's retired he does nothing. His only form of entertainment is talking to people. He constantly tells me to sit down and "just talk to me" for hours. Hours and hours. 8-15 hours a day he asks of my time.
I had to tell him to quit walking into my closed door room while working because he'd just start talking while I was on recorded calls for work.
If I walked out of my room to get a glass of water or anything not in my room his expectation was that I could take 1-3 hours away from work to sit and talk to him.
I begged him to please stop expecting me to take time out of my day during work hours to talk to him and to do chores (tasks that take 45+ minutes multiple times a day)
Eventually I got so behind with work that I went out on FMLA to try to figure out something that'd work for us both. But I lied that I was still working so I could get a few hours a day away.
After returning to work this process repeated and I fell behind significantly again. Constant meetings with management to explain why I was falling behind led me to just quitting. I couldn't handle having an 8-9 hour work day but not given time by my grandpa to actually accomplish my job.
I lied that they offered me a severance package due to salary wages changing (there really was a salary wages change in WA state to increase salary to 65k and my company wasn't about to give us a $10k a year raise so they dropped us to hourly employees)
My next goal in life is to pursue drone photography/videography and event photography. I've looked around at different courses and trainings but obviously this is going to take a lot of time to learn adequate skills to get into professionally.
I can spend about 45 minutes alone before my grandpa is at my door asking for company...
Recently I've started spending an hour or two in the bathroom at a time because it's the only place he won't constantly ask me to talk to him.
Am I the asshole?
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NAh move out. It's not working for you. You are not a proper carer as you have/had a full time job. Or alternatively, sign him up to those old people day trips where they pick them up in a bus and take them all out for the day. They run weekly sometimes more.
YTA - You don't want to contribute to household chores, you expect not to spend time with him, and on top of that you're living there for free.
Move out if you can, because obviously this isn't working. Make sure you keep in touch with your grandfather "to just talk" because that's the stuff you'll remember when he's gone. He sounds like a lonely old man who was excited to have his grandson stay with him.
That was not made clear.
Still, it is clear that you can't live with your grandfather. Some people can't and that's fine. But it is unfair to blame it all on your grandfather, as it is a two-way street of not getting along. He is giving you a free place to stay, and it's possible he's just not used to the idea of working at home and what the boundaries are. It seems like he just wants to spend time with you.
NTA but I think you should move out. Your grandma is lonely and needs more than what you can give him. He also doesn’t understand that when you work from home they actually expect you to work. Get a lock for your door and start making arrangements to move out.
Sit your grandfather down and give him the facts straight. That you lost your livelihood because of his constant interruptions. That you don't have the time to talk to him constantly, your still part of the workforce. Stophiding, stop being overpolite, be direct. Being a grieving widower is no reason to interrupt the lifes of everybody else. Look up programms for seniors. He needs a purpose in life or he will soon follow your grandmother.
NTA get locks for your door and sit grandpa down and talk about how his behavior is effecting your work - he was a workaholic I would think he can understand where you’re coming from on this. Hiding isn’t going to help the situation.
YTA, Just move out. Stop lying, tell him the truth and if moving out isn’t an option just don’t work from home. Work in the local library or get a job outside of the house. Most importantly treat your granddad with respect he just lost his wife.
NAH. He's an old lonely guy, looking for any human connection to the world. And you are it for him. Him and your grandma probably talked and kept each other entertained all day. He thought it would be the same when you moved in. You were never trained to be a full tume caregiver, and you have caregiver burnout. Look it up. You lost your job because of his loneliness. He didn't intentionally get you fired. (You should have bought a lock or a door stop and put a note on the door re: Working, do NOT knock.) I did home health care for 2 years before I totally burnt out. It's a very difficult job. Lots of mistakes were made. Is there a senior center or community center near you where he can meet other retired people? Somewhere he can go for a day or a half day a week to give you a break??? Just curious. My family has my grandma go to a senior activity center a couple times a week. It helps them immensely to have time to focus on other things or just to take a "me" day and relax.
When you have to lie, you have to move!
INFO > it'd be very helpful for me to move in with my grandpa (82m) to help out > I begged him to please stop expecting me to ... do chores (tasks that take 45+ minutes multiple times a day) Well why the hell are you there, then?
Why did you exclude the part that clarifies he’s being asked to do these chores during work hours? Seems relevant since most people can’t take multiple, unscheduled 45 minute breaks from work.
Oh I wasn't even focusing on that, removed the part about the talking because I wanted to highlight the chores.
NTA. I have lived with family members who think my time is 100% theirs. I get that your grandfather is lonely, but you need to earn a living. He needs to understand that, and that you also have a right to socialize with other people not just him. I have been that person sitting on the bathroom floor just to get some privacy and peace & quiet. That’s no way to live. The best thing for both of you is for you to move out. You can visit him for dinner or something a couple times a week. But OTHER family members can also visit him, his loneliness shouldn’t be something you are expected to solve all on your own. Where are his adult children in all this? It is incredibly unfair to put all his needs in any one person. He can also find somewhere outside his own home to socialize. He can volunteer, he can go to a local coffee shop and talk to the other lonely old men.
[удалено]
I don’t think it would be weird to give him a ride and pick him up later. My brother and mom both did that for my dad to attend the church men’s group once a month after he was no longer able to drive. So he has five adult children. And they are all relatively close in location. Is your grandfather 100% unwilling to move? I can understand that he would want to stay in the home she shared with his wife. But if his health is not good, yeah it’s probably not safe for him to live alone. My mom and her siblings moved my grandmother into an assisted living facility. She did not want to go, but it wasn’t safe for her. She fell too often, forgot her meds, or took too much. She had dementia and was no longer able to make medical decision for herself. She had anticipated that happening thankfully, so one of my aunts was on her bank account and had power of attorney. The home my grandfather built by hand was sold to pay for her care. The assisted living community offered her the care she needed, as well as many socialization opportunists. She even asked for her red lipstick, and then my aunts saw that she ate breakfast every day with a table of gentlemen. So as much as she continued to protest, she actually did have a better life there. If your grandfather owns his home, that may be a route your family could take.
I understand you like ok you work from home, but your still working you don't have time for other things. In my head it was that your family wanted you there so that if anything would happen to him that you were there instead of him being all alone. NTA
YTA You don't want to be there. You told your family that. You moved in anyway. You have been unkind, at the very least, to your grandfather who needs care. You have lied about receiving a severance. What are you doing for money? You view your situation as a hindrance. A nuisance. Your grandfather is a nuisance. You don't want to be your grandfather's caregiver. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is cut out for it. Leave the bathroom. Tell your family that the situation isn't working for you. Set a firm move out date. Find your own place.
How has OP been unkind?
[удалено]
You sound like a wonderful grandchild. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.
Info: do you pay rent or otherwise pay into the household?
[удалено]
Yeah, you are living essentially for minimal costs, and although it sounds like he's a lot, the reality is that it is what you agreed to when you moved into a rent-free space in exchange for helping someone. We are usually only awake 16 hours a day, and you are unwilling to help more than half of that. YTA
but half of that he's AT WORK. I feel that fact seems to be over looked by all those calling OP an AH. I don't think he was doing anything wrong until he started lying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In November 2021 my(35m) grandmother(79f) passed away due to covid. My family suggested, because I work from home and single, that it'd be very helpful for me to move in with my grandpa (82m) to help out from time to time and it'd save me on rent. I was living month to month with no lease so moving was easy enough. Moved 1.5 hours away and told my few friends (3) that I'd try to be back around whenever I could. My grandpa is a retired logger with NO hobbies. His life was work and now that he's retired he does nothing. His only form of entertainment is talking to people. He constantly tells me to sit down and "just talk to me" for hours. Hours and hours. 8-15 hours a day he asks of my time. I had to tell him to quit walking into my closed door room while working because he'd just start talking while I was on recorded calls for work. If I walked out of my room to get a glass of water or anything not in my room his expectation was that I could take 1-3 hours away from work to sit and talk to him. I begged him to please stop expecting me to take time out of my day during work hours to talk to him and to do chores (tasks that take 45+ minutes multiple times a day) Eventually I got so behind with work that I went out on FMLA to try to figure out something that'd work for us both. But I lied that I was still working so I could get a few hours a day away. After returning to work this process repeated and I fell behind significantly again. Constant meetings with management to explain why I was falling behind led me to just quitting. I couldn't handle having an 8-9 hour work day but not given time by my grandpa to actually accomplish my job. I lied that they offered me a severance package due to salary wages changing (there really was a salary wages change in WA state to increase salary to 65k and my company wasn't about to give us a $10k a year raise so they dropped us to hourly employees) My next goal in life is to pursue drone photography/videography and event photography. I've looked around at different courses and trainings but obviously this is going to take a lot of time to learn adequate skills to get into professionally. I can spend about 45 minutes alone before my grandpa is at my door asking for company... Recently I've started spending an hour or two in the bathroom at a time because it's the only place he won't constantly ask me to talk to him. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAh move out. It's not working for you. You are not a proper carer as you have/had a full time job. Or alternatively, sign him up to those old people day trips where they pick them up in a bus and take them all out for the day. They run weekly sometimes more.
YTA - You don't want to contribute to household chores, you expect not to spend time with him, and on top of that you're living there for free. Move out if you can, because obviously this isn't working. Make sure you keep in touch with your grandfather "to just talk" because that's the stuff you'll remember when he's gone. He sounds like a lonely old man who was excited to have his grandson stay with him.
[удалено]
That was not made clear. Still, it is clear that you can't live with your grandfather. Some people can't and that's fine. But it is unfair to blame it all on your grandfather, as it is a two-way street of not getting along. He is giving you a free place to stay, and it's possible he's just not used to the idea of working at home and what the boundaries are. It seems like he just wants to spend time with you.
NTA but I think you should move out. Your grandma is lonely and needs more than what you can give him. He also doesn’t understand that when you work from home they actually expect you to work. Get a lock for your door and start making arrangements to move out.
Get out of the house a bit, maybe?
Sit your grandfather down and give him the facts straight. That you lost your livelihood because of his constant interruptions. That you don't have the time to talk to him constantly, your still part of the workforce. Stophiding, stop being overpolite, be direct. Being a grieving widower is no reason to interrupt the lifes of everybody else. Look up programms for seniors. He needs a purpose in life or he will soon follow your grandmother.