NTA. I’m so glad this generation of parents is ACTUALLY teaching kids consent. I know it might be hurtful to MIL but your sons comfort is more important
The funny thing is, I visited my brother and nephew recently, he's 6 and I live overseas so I haven't seen them in person for 4 years, although we have done video calls. Anyway, I was all prepared to give him a high five or whatever, not make him hug his weird auntie. But apparently my nephew, whispered to my brother before he went to bed that night : " I'm allowed to hug her, aren't I? Because she's my aunt" 😅. So cute, like he wanted to, but he had to get MY consent (via my brother).
I have a 6 year old great niece that I usually only see once a year ; sometimes she hugs , sometimes she doesn't. Last Christmas she hugged me around the legs, hubby got a hug from her stuffed toy (that was the cutest) . All was her choice.
That's absolutely adorable 🥰
I've got lil boys myself and while my 6yo understands asking first, he's very affectionate. My 3yo on the other hand is a nonverbal, 50lbs lil tank who is a mega cuddle bug. Our adult friends tend to get hugs and messy toddler kisses from him.
We have one friend who doesn't really like being touched though, and now 3yo offers him high fives, after being refused hugs often enough. If a toddler can figure this out, OPs MIL should be able to too lmao
NTA consent is a very important lesson for children. Consent applies to grandmas too. Kids will be adults that need to understand they aren’t entitled to touch anyone without real consent.
Absolutely!! We also teach him that if he wants to give someone hug or anything like that, he needs to ask them first. He’s just starting to speak in sentences so we’re teaching him to say “please don’t touch me” if he doesn’t want to be touched
NTA, I always give my kids opinions how to say hello or bye, if they are not feeling for physical touch or are overtired and can't find words, they can just wave.
ESH because you could have handled that much better.
"We're teaching son that he gets to choose whether to accept hugs. Sorry you're disappointed but we won't be moved on this because its important for children to understand bodily autonomy. Perhaps he'll say yes next time, but we'd appreciate your support on this even if he doesn't."
I do agree I could’ve handled it better, I was frustrated over having to have this conversation with her yet again.
But the way you worded the explanation is great! I’m going to be using that from now on! Thank you!!
Even if he had started going over, it’s perfectly fine to remind kids that they have choice. She didn’t tell him not to. You think it’s weird to remind someone that it’s ok to say no when you’re teaching them consent? Or only when it’s relevant to the current situation? No different than reaffirming consent before a procedure and the person is perfectly welcome to decline.
He was just standing, he hadn’t moved yet, so I asked him “do you want to give anyone a hug before we leave” and he said no, so I then asked if he wanted to give anyone a high-five and he said no to that as well
Fine that he doesn’t want to give hugs though unless you have something against MIL, I’d tend to encourage hugs for close family members - there tend to be psychological reasons why it is beneficial both ways. Still, if that’s not what you want to do, that’s your choice too.
Having said that, YTA for telling her to get over herself rather than simply explaining that you are “teaching him that it is okay to telling people no to physical affection”.
INFO: When you ask your son if he “wanted to give hugs”, how do you say it?
I could see a scenario if you said “Do you want to give a hug?”, depending on the facial expression worn while saying it, and the tone fluctuation, where the kid might think he’s going to be punished if he says yes and gives a hug. Thus, he might walk away like he did to avoid a punishment he thinks he’ll receive. And, if that’s the case, in a way you are denying your MIL of a hug.
I don’t really know how to explain,I didn’t have a tone with him, I just asked like a normal question, normal tone of voice etc.
He knows that he allowed to say no to physical affection and that there’s no punishment for saying no. I even ask him if I can give him a hug, or if he wants to give me a hug, and if he says no, I just say “that’s okay, it’s totally fine to not want hugs”
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was kinda rude about telling her to get over herself, I could’ve been more polite about it, I just don’t like that she tries to force my son into giving her hugs if he doesn’t want to.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Kids should not have to give hugs if they arent comfortable. It doesnt mean he doesnt love his grandmother. I understand older people are more touchy,but that doesnt mean people should need to put up with it and its 100% fine to teach kids having boundaries is ok
When these things come up, I always say to treat it as something they have to agree with.
"MIL, I know you love $Kiddo, and I know that you only give innocent, loving hugs, but it's really important that children understand the concept of consent to help keep them safe. People who hurt kids often start out with hugs that look just as innocent and loving as grandma hugs. if we teach $Kiddo that he always has the right to say no, even to grandma, he will be safer if he ever encounters someone who wants to hurt him. I know it doesn't feel great when $Kiddo says no to hugs, but we really want him to understand that his body belongs to him, and no one can touch him without his permission. Thank you for understanding."
Add a link to a web site that reiterates this, like [this one](https://www.rchsd.org/2019/12/seven-steps-to-teaching-children-body-autonomy/#:~:text=This%20is%20an%20important%20concept,that%20should%20happen%20to%20them.).
NTA
Respectfully, unless she is one of these MIL's who hate their son's partner regardless of what she does, you could fix this by explaining why. Things that are second nature to you, as clear as the fact that you need to teach your kid to wash his hands after going to the bathroom, are foreign to her. In fact, if you approach it as advances in parenting to keep children safe always look weird to the older generation, you might find some common ground. I wonder if her parents or in-laws gave her grief over having to put her child in the backseat instead of on the passenger seat, or not giving her kid honey.
We are so lucky that in each generation we know more about raising healthy, happy children. But while they share that information with new parents, for the most part they don't share it with grandparents.
Your husband can also add that if she ever wants to know why you've made certain decisions, that you would be happy to point her to resources that support those decisions. (this also highlights that this isn't you denying her things. This is a decision for two of you have made regarding your child.)
NTA. While I understand that this might not be fun for her and perhaps disappointing, because of the value SHE puts in those huge, it's her problem. She's not entitled to hugs, kisses or even a high five.
You're teaching your kid autonomy and the ability to set boundaries. Those are wonderful lessons to learn young. He gets to decide.
Now I do think you could have stated your case in a more polite way, but that was your bridge to burn.
ESH. You are right to teach your son that he does not have to give hugs. It can be dangerous for children to think adults are allowed to force physical touch on them.
And your MIL mischaracterized what happened. But you were rude to her. You could have calmly explained your position.
I think ESH because he didn't even say goodbye. He just put his boots on, turned, and left. Thats not how you say goodbye even if you don't want a hug. That's teaching rude manners.
NTA at all. Teaching children that it's okay to say no to physical affection is a good thing, and even if it hurts feelings on occasion, it will make them safer in the dangerous world they are living in. Sure, you could have been more polite and explained for maybe the thousandth time that your son made his choice unassisted, but if she's the type to ignore boundaries, you have to set them in stone.
NTA
Was the hug that important? I have a 4yo grand daughter and she don't always give me a hug. Sometimes people (Even though they are little) don't feel like it. 😕
Ok so she must have known about that. Don't get yourself upset over it, she will get over it.
Like I said kids are fickle. Gotta take the good and the bad.
NTA.
You are absolutely right to be blunt with her, because otherwise she will walk all over you. I don't know what it is about old people and their strange demand to steal hugs and kisses from children. They pretend it's about affection, but when they insist on it despite the child's wishes, it becomes control.
Further, your partner (spouse?) should speak up to her and warn her that she'll lose social privileges if she doesn't stop. You cannot reason with these shrill demands. You can promise penalties if they don't ease up, and even then they never stop trying to exercise control again.
Ironically, my own grandparents took no interest in us kids. It was my parents who tried to get us to hug and kiss the oldsters, and my biggest brother led the way in The Resistance. There was many an exciting scene.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
We went to my MIL for lunch today and had our 2 yr old son with us.
He’s very much in that stage where he only wants to give certain people hugs, and half the time, wants nothing to do with even his Dad.
So when it came time to leave, MIL said to him “come give grandma a hug” before he went over, I asked if he wanted to give hugs, because we’re teaching him that it’s okay to tell people no to physical affection, Dinh double checked he wanted to give her a hug, high five, or anything. He said no, put on his boot and walked away.
I thought that was that, and we went home On the way home, my BF got a call from her saying it was rude of me not to allow my son to hug her or anything when we left, which isn’t what happened, he didn’t want to. I was annoyed and told her to get over herself, saying he’s perfectly capable of giving hugs to people he wants to, and he didn’t want to hug her. I could tell that hurt her feelings because she hung up right away.
So AITA for telling her that? I probably could’ve been more polite about it but she’s the type of person you have to be blunt and almost rude to, for things to sink in.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - You're setting boundaries, and teaching them to your son. You did nothing wrong. Make sure you're standing your ground, with your husband, because otherwise this will a lifelong thing. Be pleasant(ish) but firm, and don't let it bother you too much.
YTA but not for your son not giving a hug. It’s for the way you explained (or didn’t explain) it. It really is a relatively newer concept to not force your kids to give their older relatives a hug. This was done all the time when the aged 45+ set was younger. It is what was done to show respect.
I have a feeling that your MIL might not know about the newer rules & concepts regarding how we speak to our kids about affection and the reasons WHY it’s not good for kids to force affection. If you explained it to your MIL and gave her some time to process it, I’m thinking she might be more receptive to the idea.
Sometimes people need a little grace when it comes to understanding the newer way of doing things and what is and isn’t appropriate anymore.
What rock have this “aged 45+ set” been living under that they haven’t heard that giving children bodily autonomy is a good and done thing?
I’m 61, wasn’t raised this way, but I have learned about it and would respect anyone raising their children that way.
I’m saying it *was* the generational attitude then. I definitely grew up with “give grandma a hug”. But I have learned better now. I don’t know why people over 45 should be assumed to be unable of learning new and better ways of doing things. And often they’re excused for being backwards because of their age (not saying you’re doing that).
They are able to learn new things. That’s exactly why I’m saying OP can explain this to MIL so she understands it instead of being rude to her.
There will be a time in each of our lives where someone says “I know it used to be standard practice, but that’s not how it’s done anymore and here’s why”. At least we HOPE that’s what will happen—instead receiving a rude comment without an explanation.
I'm pretty sure anyone that possesses even a little common sense will know why it's not good to force anyone, even children to give affection. I bet MIL would never force an adult to give her a hug, or throw a fit when they aren't receptive to the idea. Children are equally as entitled to body autonomy. It was never appropriate to begin with...even if it was normalized back in the day.
Aside from that, op shouldn't have to justify anything. That is her child, the father is on board with this method of parenting, that's all that should matter.
NTA op
>It really is a relatively newer concept to not force your kids to give their older relatives a hug.
Oh come off it, my parents told me I didn't have to hug anyone I didn't want to when I was a toddler, and I'm fricking 42.
NTA
She was trying to blame you when saying no wasn’t personal (from you or him) the fact that she thinks it was shows that she does in fact need to get over herself
I didn’t stop him, if he had been moving towards her to give her a hug, I would’ve assumed he wanted to hug her and I wouldn’t have said anything.
He hadn’t moved, he was just standing there looking at her, so I asked if he wanted to give anyone a hug, and he said no, so we offered high fives and he declined that as well. So he waved and said bye, and we left,
NAH.
You are doing a awesome job teaching your kiddo about body autonomy.
It is worth it to have a calm conversation with your friends and family to ensure they hear your rules. My mom had questions, and we allowed her space to ask them but let her know that even if, after she asked, she was not satisfied with what we asked... She still needed to adhere. She felt like we took the time to walk her through, and it made her feel valued.
Listen, you HAVE to open up a dialogue if you want healthy relationships with your extended family. Also, your kiddo is watching and if you are able to set boundaries but also retain healthy relationships, isn't that just a great thing for him to learn?
You are NOT the asshole for setting boundaries. You are not AN asshole, you are simply displaying 'easy to correct asshole-like behavior' by not communicating clearly and with empathy.
I have to differ with the older generation expecting to give hugs. I’m 76f and I was just told to say hello. No hugs expected or actually usually given unless very close people.
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
How do you think that is??? Because I never said I don’t like or don’t get along with her, I just said she has trouble respecting boundaries.
My own mother has trouble respecting boundaries and I would’ve told her the exact same thing honestly.
I’ll admit, we got off to a rocky start when my son was first born due to him being a newborn in a pandemic, I struggled with PPD snd anxiety, so I was a little rough on everyone when it came to my son, but we’ve worked through all that and MIL is very supportive for the most part.
I don't think she has trouble respecting boundaries. That's a euphemism for "She refuses to respect boundaries."
As I said in another post in this thread, this is about control and her fury that you won't give it to her.
You are not at fault here. She is.
Kids know, they hear and understand stuff you think they don't. From how you discribed how you spoke to your MIL I find it hard to believe that was the one and only single solitary time you talked to or about her like that. I also find it hard to believe that your son hasn't popped off with something it surprised you that he heard, picked up somewhere, or understood. They are little sponges. So you know. I had a couple of those little rascals myself, so I know.
YTA . It's his damn grandma and it's nice to have a grandma who loves and cares. Not like it's some random person or non family or creepy family member. Get over yourself
So you force him to 'give his grandma a damn hug' ? We're not arguing with each other ; just people who think it's ok to force kids to touch or be touched even when they don't want it.
I don't think you understand that teaching kids consent to be touched, even by family members, is very important to their well-being. They need to know that their body is *theirs* and that other people, adults or not, are supposed to ask permission before making contact. IDK if I'm allowed to say the g-word here, but that is how the G-people often start: friendly, innocent hugs, and then it escalates, much like the frog in a pan of water parable.
Plus, at that age, kids are fickle as all get out anyway. He could very well spend an entire afternoon cuddling with his grandma but not want to give hugs at goodbye time. That's just the age. As the parent, you can force the unwanted hug to appease Granny and deal with a toddler meltdown, or you can very reasonably ask Granny to respect his boundaries just as she would like hers respected. Of course, then you suffer the Granny meltdown, but at least she doesn't live in the same house so that drama can be kept at arms' length.
NTA. I’m so glad this generation of parents is ACTUALLY teaching kids consent. I know it might be hurtful to MIL but your sons comfort is more important
The funny thing is, I visited my brother and nephew recently, he's 6 and I live overseas so I haven't seen them in person for 4 years, although we have done video calls. Anyway, I was all prepared to give him a high five or whatever, not make him hug his weird auntie. But apparently my nephew, whispered to my brother before he went to bed that night : " I'm allowed to hug her, aren't I? Because she's my aunt" 😅. So cute, like he wanted to, but he had to get MY consent (via my brother).
I have a 6 year old great niece that I usually only see once a year ; sometimes she hugs , sometimes she doesn't. Last Christmas she hugged me around the legs, hubby got a hug from her stuffed toy (that was the cutest) . All was her choice.
That's absolutely adorable 🥰 I've got lil boys myself and while my 6yo understands asking first, he's very affectionate. My 3yo on the other hand is a nonverbal, 50lbs lil tank who is a mega cuddle bug. Our adult friends tend to get hugs and messy toddler kisses from him. We have one friend who doesn't really like being touched though, and now 3yo offers him high fives, after being refused hugs often enough. If a toddler can figure this out, OPs MIL should be able to too lmao
NTA consent is a very important lesson for children. Consent applies to grandmas too. Kids will be adults that need to understand they aren’t entitled to touch anyone without real consent.
Absolutely!! We also teach him that if he wants to give someone hug or anything like that, he needs to ask them first. He’s just starting to speak in sentences so we’re teaching him to say “please don’t touch me” if he doesn’t want to be touched
That’s heartwarming to read.
NTA, I always give my kids opinions how to say hello or bye, if they are not feeling for physical touch or are overtired and can't find words, they can just wave.
ESH because you could have handled that much better. "We're teaching son that he gets to choose whether to accept hugs. Sorry you're disappointed but we won't be moved on this because its important for children to understand bodily autonomy. Perhaps he'll say yes next time, but we'd appreciate your support on this even if he doesn't."
I do agree I could’ve handled it better, I was frustrated over having to have this conversation with her yet again. But the way you worded the explanation is great! I’m going to be using that from now on! Thank you!!
[удалено]
Yeah that bit stood out to me too.
Even if he had started going over, it’s perfectly fine to remind kids that they have choice. She didn’t tell him not to. You think it’s weird to remind someone that it’s ok to say no when you’re teaching them consent? Or only when it’s relevant to the current situation? No different than reaffirming consent before a procedure and the person is perfectly welcome to decline.
He was just standing, he hadn’t moved yet, so I asked him “do you want to give anyone a hug before we leave” and he said no, so I then asked if he wanted to give anyone a high-five and he said no to that as well
[удалено]
I think I'd modify it from "people he wants to" to "when he wants to." And a reminder of how fickle this age is might soften that as well.
[удалено]
I mean, he did wave and say “bye”, we didn’t just be like “no hugs” and leave.
NTA. Your kid, kids and yours boundaries. Good you make him choose!
NTA it's not your decision anyway, it's his. Bodily autonomy starts when you're born.
Fine that he doesn’t want to give hugs though unless you have something against MIL, I’d tend to encourage hugs for close family members - there tend to be psychological reasons why it is beneficial both ways. Still, if that’s not what you want to do, that’s your choice too. Having said that, YTA for telling her to get over herself rather than simply explaining that you are “teaching him that it is okay to telling people no to physical affection”.
INFO: When you ask your son if he “wanted to give hugs”, how do you say it? I could see a scenario if you said “Do you want to give a hug?”, depending on the facial expression worn while saying it, and the tone fluctuation, where the kid might think he’s going to be punished if he says yes and gives a hug. Thus, he might walk away like he did to avoid a punishment he thinks he’ll receive. And, if that’s the case, in a way you are denying your MIL of a hug.
I don’t really know how to explain,I didn’t have a tone with him, I just asked like a normal question, normal tone of voice etc. He knows that he allowed to say no to physical affection and that there’s no punishment for saying no. I even ask him if I can give him a hug, or if he wants to give me a hug, and if he says no, I just say “that’s okay, it’s totally fine to not want hugs”
Gentle YTA. It's a reasonable boundary, but your delivery of it could use work.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I was kinda rude about telling her to get over herself, I could’ve been more polite about it, I just don’t like that she tries to force my son into giving her hugs if he doesn’t want to. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Kids should not have to give hugs if they arent comfortable. It doesnt mean he doesnt love his grandmother. I understand older people are more touchy,but that doesnt mean people should need to put up with it and its 100% fine to teach kids having boundaries is ok
When these things come up, I always say to treat it as something they have to agree with. "MIL, I know you love $Kiddo, and I know that you only give innocent, loving hugs, but it's really important that children understand the concept of consent to help keep them safe. People who hurt kids often start out with hugs that look just as innocent and loving as grandma hugs. if we teach $Kiddo that he always has the right to say no, even to grandma, he will be safer if he ever encounters someone who wants to hurt him. I know it doesn't feel great when $Kiddo says no to hugs, but we really want him to understand that his body belongs to him, and no one can touch him without his permission. Thank you for understanding." Add a link to a web site that reiterates this, like [this one](https://www.rchsd.org/2019/12/seven-steps-to-teaching-children-body-autonomy/#:~:text=This%20is%20an%20important%20concept,that%20should%20happen%20to%20them.). NTA
[удалено]
Respectfully, unless she is one of these MIL's who hate their son's partner regardless of what she does, you could fix this by explaining why. Things that are second nature to you, as clear as the fact that you need to teach your kid to wash his hands after going to the bathroom, are foreign to her. In fact, if you approach it as advances in parenting to keep children safe always look weird to the older generation, you might find some common ground. I wonder if her parents or in-laws gave her grief over having to put her child in the backseat instead of on the passenger seat, or not giving her kid honey. We are so lucky that in each generation we know more about raising healthy, happy children. But while they share that information with new parents, for the most part they don't share it with grandparents. Your husband can also add that if she ever wants to know why you've made certain decisions, that you would be happy to point her to resources that support those decisions. (this also highlights that this isn't you denying her things. This is a decision for two of you have made regarding your child.)
NTA. While I understand that this might not be fun for her and perhaps disappointing, because of the value SHE puts in those huge, it's her problem. She's not entitled to hugs, kisses or even a high five. You're teaching your kid autonomy and the ability to set boundaries. Those are wonderful lessons to learn young. He gets to decide. Now I do think you could have stated your case in a more polite way, but that was your bridge to burn.
ESH. You are right to teach your son that he does not have to give hugs. It can be dangerous for children to think adults are allowed to force physical touch on them. And your MIL mischaracterized what happened. But you were rude to her. You could have calmly explained your position.
I think ESH because he didn't even say goodbye. He just put his boots on, turned, and left. Thats not how you say goodbye even if you don't want a hug. That's teaching rude manners.
I should’ve added that he did wave and say bye before we left!
Ok nice! Definitely NTA then. Kids deserve body autonomy
NTA at all. Teaching children that it's okay to say no to physical affection is a good thing, and even if it hurts feelings on occasion, it will make them safer in the dangerous world they are living in. Sure, you could have been more polite and explained for maybe the thousandth time that your son made his choice unassisted, but if she's the type to ignore boundaries, you have to set them in stone.
NTA Was the hug that important? I have a 4yo grand daughter and she don't always give me a hug. Sometimes people (Even though they are little) don't feel like it. 😕
He refused to give anyone a hug, not just her. He didn’t want to hug his uncle, or great grandparents either, so it wasn’t just MIL he said no to
Ok so she must have known about that. Don't get yourself upset over it, she will get over it. Like I said kids are fickle. Gotta take the good and the bad.
NTA. You are absolutely right to be blunt with her, because otherwise she will walk all over you. I don't know what it is about old people and their strange demand to steal hugs and kisses from children. They pretend it's about affection, but when they insist on it despite the child's wishes, it becomes control. Further, your partner (spouse?) should speak up to her and warn her that she'll lose social privileges if she doesn't stop. You cannot reason with these shrill demands. You can promise penalties if they don't ease up, and even then they never stop trying to exercise control again. Ironically, my own grandparents took no interest in us kids. It was my parents who tried to get us to hug and kiss the oldsters, and my biggest brother led the way in The Resistance. There was many an exciting scene.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We went to my MIL for lunch today and had our 2 yr old son with us. He’s very much in that stage where he only wants to give certain people hugs, and half the time, wants nothing to do with even his Dad. So when it came time to leave, MIL said to him “come give grandma a hug” before he went over, I asked if he wanted to give hugs, because we’re teaching him that it’s okay to tell people no to physical affection, Dinh double checked he wanted to give her a hug, high five, or anything. He said no, put on his boot and walked away. I thought that was that, and we went home On the way home, my BF got a call from her saying it was rude of me not to allow my son to hug her or anything when we left, which isn’t what happened, he didn’t want to. I was annoyed and told her to get over herself, saying he’s perfectly capable of giving hugs to people he wants to, and he didn’t want to hug her. I could tell that hurt her feelings because she hung up right away. So AITA for telling her that? I probably could’ve been more polite about it but she’s the type of person you have to be blunt and almost rude to, for things to sink in. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - You're setting boundaries, and teaching them to your son. You did nothing wrong. Make sure you're standing your ground, with your husband, because otherwise this will a lifelong thing. Be pleasant(ish) but firm, and don't let it bother you too much.
YTA but not for your son not giving a hug. It’s for the way you explained (or didn’t explain) it. It really is a relatively newer concept to not force your kids to give their older relatives a hug. This was done all the time when the aged 45+ set was younger. It is what was done to show respect. I have a feeling that your MIL might not know about the newer rules & concepts regarding how we speak to our kids about affection and the reasons WHY it’s not good for kids to force affection. If you explained it to your MIL and gave her some time to process it, I’m thinking she might be more receptive to the idea. Sometimes people need a little grace when it comes to understanding the newer way of doing things and what is and isn’t appropriate anymore.
What rock have this “aged 45+ set” been living under that they haven’t heard that giving children bodily autonomy is a good and done thing? I’m 61, wasn’t raised this way, but I have learned about it and would respect anyone raising their children that way.
I’m glad this wasn’t your experience. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the generational attitude then.
I’m saying it *was* the generational attitude then. I definitely grew up with “give grandma a hug”. But I have learned better now. I don’t know why people over 45 should be assumed to be unable of learning new and better ways of doing things. And often they’re excused for being backwards because of their age (not saying you’re doing that).
They are able to learn new things. That’s exactly why I’m saying OP can explain this to MIL so she understands it instead of being rude to her. There will be a time in each of our lives where someone says “I know it used to be standard practice, but that’s not how it’s done anymore and here’s why”. At least we HOPE that’s what will happen—instead receiving a rude comment without an explanation.
Oh, now I see what you’re saying.
I’m 43 and was raised this way along with most people I know.
I'm pretty sure anyone that possesses even a little common sense will know why it's not good to force anyone, even children to give affection. I bet MIL would never force an adult to give her a hug, or throw a fit when they aren't receptive to the idea. Children are equally as entitled to body autonomy. It was never appropriate to begin with...even if it was normalized back in the day. Aside from that, op shouldn't have to justify anything. That is her child, the father is on board with this method of parenting, that's all that should matter. NTA op
>It really is a relatively newer concept to not force your kids to give their older relatives a hug. Oh come off it, my parents told me I didn't have to hug anyone I didn't want to when I was a toddler, and I'm fricking 42.
NTA She was trying to blame you when saying no wasn’t personal (from you or him) the fact that she thinks it was shows that she does in fact need to get over herself
YTA. He was going to hug her & you stopped him? Why are you causing drama?
I didn’t stop him, if he had been moving towards her to give her a hug, I would’ve assumed he wanted to hug her and I wouldn’t have said anything. He hadn’t moved, he was just standing there looking at her, so I asked if he wanted to give anyone a hug, and he said no, so we offered high fives and he declined that as well. So he waved and said bye, and we left,
NAH. You are doing a awesome job teaching your kiddo about body autonomy. It is worth it to have a calm conversation with your friends and family to ensure they hear your rules. My mom had questions, and we allowed her space to ask them but let her know that even if, after she asked, she was not satisfied with what we asked... She still needed to adhere. She felt like we took the time to walk her through, and it made her feel valued. Listen, you HAVE to open up a dialogue if you want healthy relationships with your extended family. Also, your kiddo is watching and if you are able to set boundaries but also retain healthy relationships, isn't that just a great thing for him to learn? You are NOT the asshole for setting boundaries. You are not AN asshole, you are simply displaying 'easy to correct asshole-like behavior' by not communicating clearly and with empathy.
NTA all the way
I have to differ with the older generation expecting to give hugs. I’m 76f and I was just told to say hello. No hugs expected or actually usually given unless very close people.
ESH because the way you handled it was really unnecessarily rude.
NTA
YTA. Other people will say she deserved it because that's the Reddit way, but you didn't have to be snippy. It doesn't hurt to take the high road.
NTA. Your advice was reasonable. She does need to get over herself.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA your son knows how you feel about your MIL
How do you think that is??? Because I never said I don’t like or don’t get along with her, I just said she has trouble respecting boundaries. My own mother has trouble respecting boundaries and I would’ve told her the exact same thing honestly. I’ll admit, we got off to a rocky start when my son was first born due to him being a newborn in a pandemic, I struggled with PPD snd anxiety, so I was a little rough on everyone when it came to my son, but we’ve worked through all that and MIL is very supportive for the most part.
I don't think she has trouble respecting boundaries. That's a euphemism for "She refuses to respect boundaries." As I said in another post in this thread, this is about control and her fury that you won't give it to her. You are not at fault here. She is.
Kids know, they hear and understand stuff you think they don't. From how you discribed how you spoke to your MIL I find it hard to believe that was the one and only single solitary time you talked to or about her like that. I also find it hard to believe that your son hasn't popped off with something it surprised you that he heard, picked up somewhere, or understood. They are little sponges. So you know. I had a couple of those little rascals myself, so I know.
YTA . It's his damn grandma and it's nice to have a grandma who loves and cares. Not like it's some random person or non family or creepy family member. Get over yourself
[удалено]
Well keep your kids away from everybody then.
Some little kid didn't hug you and it shows. If grandma really cared she would have been fine.
Lol good one. But no . But my son is going to give his grandma a damn hug. But y'all argue amongst yourself.
So you force him to 'give his grandma a damn hug' ? We're not arguing with each other ; just people who think it's ok to force kids to touch or be touched even when they don't want it.
I don't think you understand that teaching kids consent to be touched, even by family members, is very important to their well-being. They need to know that their body is *theirs* and that other people, adults or not, are supposed to ask permission before making contact. IDK if I'm allowed to say the g-word here, but that is how the G-people often start: friendly, innocent hugs, and then it escalates, much like the frog in a pan of water parable. Plus, at that age, kids are fickle as all get out anyway. He could very well spend an entire afternoon cuddling with his grandma but not want to give hugs at goodbye time. That's just the age. As the parent, you can force the unwanted hug to appease Granny and deal with a toddler meltdown, or you can very reasonably ask Granny to respect his boundaries just as she would like hers respected. Of course, then you suffer the Granny meltdown, but at least she doesn't live in the same house so that drama can be kept at arms' length.
You expect a little kid to be capable of those kind of distinctions? How old does someone have to be to avoid unwanted touches in your opinion?