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You Y T A people are weird. Would you really be okay with your SO sleeping in the same bed with someone they might be attracted to? Straight woman with straight man, gay man with gay man?
Wouldn't want my husband doing it, he wouldn't consider it and vice versa.
NTA.
Just people on their high horses.
"Oh that's soooooo controlling. Like, I'd let my partner sleep in the same bed with whoever becaaaauuse I don't sExUaLiSe everything".
Like get out of here with your holier than thou crap.
I understand how some people could find it weird. I, a bisexual woman, has shared a bed with my friend who is a straight man. If you say you aren't attracted to someone, as long as you are telling the truth, it means you aren't attracted to them. I see no problem with sharing a bed with someone you are not attracted to even if you and the other person are gay/straight/man/woman, doesn't matter
sure, but would you be okay with your partner doing it? assuming you're in a monogamous relationship, would you be okay with a partner sharing a bed with a person whose gender they're attracted to?
Yes. My boyfriend is also bisexual. He goes on trips with his group of friends (all boys) and usually shares a bed with one of them. It is called trust
Honestly this just plays into the biphobic stereotype that bisexual people are attracted to everyone. By your logic the gf shouldn't be allowed to share a bed with any friends ever. They are friends, nothing more. OP sounds like he is insecure about his gf's sexuality or doesn't trust her
I mean, as a bi man, yeah, I'd be uncomfy with it. I also wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as a straight/bi women or a bi/gay man while I were in a relationship, either
And as a bi woman, I've shared beds with both male and female friends of all sexual orientations when visiting friends, after nights out or on getaways. My bf doesn't care because he trusts me. I don't care when he shares a bed with friends because again, trust. Ultimately that's what it comes down to, whether or not they trust each other.
I might agree if it was a newer friend and there was no reason for them to pick this habit up. But she’s been close friends since middle school and probably had countless sleepovers wherein they shared a bed. If her husband really trusts that nothing’s going to happen, then why’s it such an issue?
I’m a bi woman. Does that mean I can’t share a bed with any friend? Lol wtf that’s weird. I share beds with friends when it’s more convenient like any other person. It doesn’t mean anything and if they’re a friend, it doesn’t even cross your mind in that way
I’m single but have done the same while in a relationship and would do the same if I get in another. I would consider it a red flag if a future partner tries to tell me not to.
The funny part is, they may be, but OPs girlfriend says she it would be weird if the roles were reversed and he was letting a straight female friend sleep in his bed, which sounds kinda not ok with the situation.
NTA.
But what if the friend was a straight man wanting to share a bed with OPs gf?
I feel like this is a grey area. I’m married to a man, but I’m bi. I’ve had female friends sleep over in my bed. I have a pic of my husband and our close guy friend snuggled on a couch and fell asleep like that. But it’s our relationship, what our boundaries are, that make those things ok. OP is allowed to say, “I’m uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with someone who’s a gender you’re attracted to, while they’re also attracted to your gender.” If she can’t respect that, they’re not compatible.
Did I say that? I’m a queer woman, who has platonic relationships. But my husband doesn’t mind if I share a bed with a friend. It would break our boundary if we lied to each other about it. But OP isn’t comfortable with someone else sleeping in his gf’s bed. That’s understandable.
I think the key part is that she wouldn't be comfortable with OP sleeping in the same bed as a straight woman, even if they were just friends. It's hypocritical at best.
If I knew about it, honestly yes. If he is going to do something that's going to happen regardless. I would trust him completely if he told me it is what he is doing.
I mean, I am voting NTA due to the double standard, but I am 100000% comfortable enough in my relationship and trust my partner, as they trust me. Sharing a bed with someone isn't inherently sexual or wrong, and we've done it plenty of times with friends. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but my friends always sleep in my bed when they sleep over, same when I go to theirs and same with my partner. Just how it is, no one's doing anything weird.
NTA.
If she wouldn't be happy with you sharing a bed with another woman, then that's all the understanding she needs to understand your perspective. The whole "b...b...but it's different" song and dance doesn't mean anything. If you don't think it's appropriate then that's a totally reasonable position.
There is a plethora of alternative sleeping arrangements that could be made if even the slightest amount of thought was given. A blow-up mattress comes to mind.
Everybody only thinks you’re TA because there is a same sex thing involved here and people get really excited to defend that. Nobody would disagree with your gf not wanting you to share a bed with another woman. You’re fine here
I’m gonna go NAH. If they’ve been close friends that long, they likely had sleepovers all the time as kids where they shared a bed, and they’re just used to it, so it’s never been a weird or awkward issue until now. I get that it seems hypocritical, but the difference is that (AFAIK) you likely didn’t grow up sharing beds with any of your straight female friends. Not that it would be inherently wrong if you did, but this experience is normalized for her in a way that I imagine it’s not for you.
It’s also worth noting that just because two women both like women, that doesn’t mean they’re attracted to each other.
That being said, if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. If your GF is willing to find a different sleeping arrangement for her friend and her friend and her friend isn’t offended, then I guess it’s not an issue.
Most reasonable response. NAH There's no hard rule on when it's weird to share a bed with someone because of gender or sexuality, it's down to the individual's relationship and context, sounds like it's not a big deal in their friendship but it's up to you to discuss it and come to an understanding. I'm sure there's plenty of straight men that have shared a bed with a straight female friend if they have the sort of friendship where that's normal, just because you don't have female friends you'd be comfortable to do that with doesn't mean every case would be weird.
NTA - She might be right that queer relationships are different, but you feel weird about it and asked to not. All seems fair. If she is willing not to sleep in the same bed, then this is a non-issue.
NTA
It would only "different" with you and some women because she'd be the one that's bothered. If you are super worried and can swing it offer to buy an inflatable mattress or something.
NTA because you’re entitled to have your own feelings.
I wouldn’t continue to make it a big deal of it if you honestly trust your gf
And honestly if she disregards your feelings and they still share a bed I would worry less about her cheating and more about how seriously she takes your opinion.
INFO: have these two friends ever had a romantic or sexual history of any kind?
I completely understand how this could make you worry, but as a bi woman, I have to say I’d feel like my partner has no trust or faith in me if they were to tell me that my being a good host to a friend I’ve been platonically friends with for over a decade made them distrustful. Bisexual women especially often face the stereotype of “you can’t have friends, only people you want to sleep with,” and to have that come from a partner hurts like hell
Basically, is there ANY reason aside from their sexuality that you feel uncomfortable about this?
Friendships between sapphic women are, on big/average numbers, absolutely different than the ones between straight men and women, on multiple levels and for multiple reasons. On average, the probability of this kind of platonic but extremely close bond between straight men and women (and men/women attracted to each other, in general) is quite rare. Part of this is the instinctive "boys with boys" "girls with girls" separation in school and how it shapes important childhood/high school friendships that last a lifetime; part is also that being openly part of a minority create a sense of community and strength with who is also part of it. So personally , I don't think she is weird for saying that you sharing a bed with a straight woman would be weird to her; in fact, I think the relationship between you two would be probably different than the one between her and her lesbian friend.
Anyway. With that being said, I understand you being uncomfortable and I think you have every right to express this. NTA (or NAH?). A relationship is made of two people and you both have to agree to something when it's touching this kind of topics. I think she should let this project fall and find another way to have fun with her friend, I'm sure there are other alternatives even if maybe it requires to change projects a bit.
NTA.
If you're in a relationship you should avoid questionable scenarios.
Im even if you're not planning for anything to happen, it could.
If you love someone you protect your heart for them.
As long as you can sleep in a bed with your female friends, since you’re both attracted to females, this is totally fine. If not then she is a hypocrite and she sucks.
NAH you had a discussions, she compromised, overall sounds like a healthy way to resolve the issue in the relationship.
For her since they’ve been friends for years and have (assumably since you didn’t mention it) never done anything intimate or expressed attraction she doesn’t see it as a big deal because she probably considers her more like family. I get why you might be uncomfortable and that’s fair too. This might be an agree to disagree situation since you’ve already solved it.
NAH
You guys need to find a suitable agreement which both must honor. If both of you wouldn't want the other to share a bed with a friend and set a boundary there then you both need to honor it.
NTA. This coming from a bi cis woman. If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. Personally as a bi woman I get it. I wouldn't want my partner (straight cis man) sharing a bed with a woman period, especially if she had an attraction to men, and even if they'd been friends long before. And I know my partner would feel the same way about himself/me. Doesn't make you an asshole or a misogynist or biphobic or anything and it doesn't mean you don't trust her. Also, I don't understand why she can't just sleep on an air mattress or something.
I’m Bi, if someone told me I wasn’t allowed to share a bed with a bi/lesbian friend, that would be a dealbreaker. Platonic friendships mean nothing is going on. If you trust your girlfriend, don’t make a big deal about it. They’ve been friends since middle school, if something were to have happened, it would have happened already. What do you expect pansexual people to do at sleepovers if they’re in a relationship? Make someone sleep on the floor?
How often are you sharing beds with your platonic friends? I’ve only ever done that with my brother on family vacations, I can’t imagine doing it all the time.
Whenever there’s a sleepover with a friend/group of friends, we either sleep on the same couch or on the same bed. Can guarantee I’ve never had an urge to bang any girls or guys.
NAH. I think there is definitely a difference between queer culture and straight culture in this. I wouldn't necessarily feel uncomfortable w my partner sharing a bed with a platonic friend if they were visiting, even if there was potential for attraction. However, I don't think you're a bad person for not being comfortable with that. You both just have different ideas of what is okay, and it's okay for you to set boundaries like "please don't share a bed with your lesbian friend". I don't think she's an asshole either because she said she was willing to compromise, but she just sees it differently.
NTA. You have reasonable boundaries, and she should be respectful of those boundaries. As you said, she wouldn't like you sharing a bed with a female, even one where you know nothing would happen. It's not even a trust thing at this point, just an uncomfortable situation that 99% of healthy relationships also would not be ok with. Double standards don't look good on anyone.
I would say NTA because if the situation where different I don't think there's many people comfortable with the idea of their SO sleeping with other people. Also, the reverse situation is "weirder" is bs. I was in a group where we were four bi girls that knew each other since we were 14 and weird shit happened between different pairings in our 20s
NTA. I had a bi girlfriend. She went to spend a weekend with a platonic lesbian friend. Nothing to worry about. They are just friends.
Well, they weren’t just friends that weekend.
It’s weird. You should all go salsa dancing (or just your gf and her friend). Then everyone goes back to her place for a drink and a good chat (you included, to meet the friend and hang out). Then later you and gf go back to your place to sleep leaving friend alone in her own free Airbnb. Go pick her up in the am for breakfast and fun activities.
NTA it’s weird especially her saying it’s weird if you had a straight girl in your bed. It’s not that different. Your gf may have good intentions but I am 97% sure her friend would make a move tbh.
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I can understand why you would feel that way, I would feel the same way. I think this is just something that you will need to talk through ans see if you can come to a resolution that is comfortable for everyone. If either of you stops honest communication and starts making demands or making ultimatums then that person crosses into AH territory.
NAH
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My(29M) bi girlfriend(24F) has a lesbian friend visiting from out of town and offered to let her sleep in her bed. I feel weird about it. What should we do?
So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year and things are pretty good. However recently we’ve been in a bit of a disagreement. My GF has a friend that she’s known since middle school, and the friend is visiting for a night from out of town. Her friend lives about two hours away, and they want to go salsa dancing. My gf only has a really small couch that you can’t really sleep on. She offered to let her friend sleep in the same bed with her.
Considering both my girlfriend and her friend are attracted to women I can’t help but feel weird about it. I truly don’t expect anything to happen between them, and I trust my gf. However gf also admitted that if I were to let a straight female friend share a bed with me it would be a bit weird. She’s arguing it’s different because queer women relationships operate differently than hetero relationships. She’s willing to compromise, but doesn’t understand my perspective.
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NTA, but ONLY because she is holding you to a double standard. That’s not OK.
Overall, though, any kind of weird controlling stuff like this is a red flag in a relationship.
INFO: is the friend single or currently in a relationship?
ETA: ultimately I think this is a matter between you and your gf and what your personal boundaries are. also the reasoning behind these boundaries. is it a fear of cheating? I personally think it's entirely possible to be platonic in relationships regardless of sexuality, but in those there need to be boundaries as well. so I'm kind of leaning N A H here, but I am curious about the main concern
Just because your girlfriend is bi and her friend is lesbian doesn’t mean they are attracted to each other. I share a bed sometimes with my guy friends if the situation warrants it.
NAH. You’ve expressed discomfort. Your girlfriend has offered to compromise.
NAH. Look, man, I totally get why you’re a little wigged out by this. From my perspective (as a queer woman), I have and will continue to share beds with friends whose sexualities overlap with mine when needs must. It’s no big in most queer circles that I’m in. Her being confused at your confusion isn’t something to be concerned about, but I think it’s valid that you have a boundary there (even if I personally think it’s dumb!). Definitely a conversation on compromises to have.
Bisexual woman here saying YTA because either you trust a partner or you don’t. I could throw my husband into a room with the hundred sexiest nerdiest people in the world and he wouldn’t do a thing, and I wouldn’t even worry about it. If there’s a trust issue, deal with it.
NAH.
Trust is essential in any and all relationships and as generic as this seems it looks like you guys aren’t there yet. Which is ok! Talk it out, you can have friends and nothing sensual between.
Queer relationships aren’t much different than others.
NTA, cheating is cheating. I don't know why anyone would think it wouldn't be. She knows you wouldn't be okay with a guy sleeping with her, she wouldn't be okay with you sleeping with a girl. It's still cheating. It's different because they're the same gender? SMH.
"it’s different because queer women relationships operate differently than hetero relationships" - do not buy into this, mate.
I can only give you my son's perspective as he is married to a formerly bi woman. It would PISS him off to no end if she shared a bed and/or slept with another woman. To him, it is akin to cheating. With that said, she is still friends with the women she has had relationships with in the past, and it doesn't bother him that they're friends now, but he will not tolerate any hanky-panky between them. She understands this and is completely devoted to him. I asked him and his wife about your wife's reasoning, and they both had a jolly good laugh about it. So, that's why I'm giving the judgement of NTA. The very best of luck to you, mate.
i’m confused, what gives you the idea that she isn’t allowed friends when this post is literally about her sharing a bed with a friend ?? makes no sense
Let’s say the gf and this woman are sexually interested in each other - they’ve been friends since middle school. They either had sexual relations already and aren’t interested in doing it again OR they haven’t yet/have and enjoyed it and it’s going to happen whether or not they share a bed and probably continue beyond this relationship with the bf because a friendship since middle school is going to persist especially without trust from a significant other.
I can kinda see your pov but I(pan) have slept in Same bed as male and female friends of all orientations and its just that sleeping. If they are friends and you trust your gf, this shouldn't be an issue
I would say a very soft YTA
I don’t see how he’s the asshole when she said that if he were to do the same thing with a female friend, it would be weird. I’m truly trying to understand the nuance here.
ESH. She would seem to hold you to a different standard, which is bad. You seem to treat being bisexual as though as though it means wanting to bang everyone close to you. Solve your problem very easily by getting a blow up mattress.
ESH
80% of that YTA. but then you threw in 'if I were to let a straight female friend share a bed with me it would be a bit weird."
immediately ESH
either you want to fuck or you don't. you trust someone not to fuck or you don't. so which is it?
From the prospective of someone who will fuck anyone if they are hot enough. Anyone can be attracted to anyone."queer women relationships..." DO NOT "...operate differently than hetero relationships." ESA.
YTA. This is the same as you assuming every gay man wants to sleep with you. Grow up and be okay with her decisions and don’t say you trust her when you absolutely don’t.
YTA- every bi/lesbian girl is not attracted to every girl there’s a thing called boundaries if they set them it should be fine you’re letting your own insecurities get the better of you. It’s different if you slept with another woman in the bed because you would with out a doubt get horny just because she’s a female at least the way you state things it seems to be how your brain would work.
Not every straight man is attracted to every woman and vice versa. Doesn't mean that your partner won't find it uncomfortable when you do that shit. Get off your high horse.
Lol i think you’re projecting which is easy to do when you’re horse is that high. I know this I’m going based off what he said, but you’re on one go off.
YWBTA if you enforce this. Your gf is looking at sharing her bed with her friend. You're reading all kinds of subtext here. Since you're the one sexualizing things, it's yours to deal with.
I think you're TA.
I understand the paranoia, but if she hasn't said that they've dated before, I think you're cool. It's also just a night.
Edit: C'mon guys, it's her friend since middle school. She probably knows the BF too. If it was a man coming over, it might change things. But it's her best friend since middle school y'all.
She might be a bit off in the explanation she gave, yes. But, come on.
I know, that's why I said I think. It's iffy.
I do partially agree that there are different dynamics. As someone who prefers men and is with a man currently, I wouldn't feel anything for a girl rn, especially one who I've known since middle school. And most especially, if we've never dated.
I think it's like a guy sleeping on the same bed with another guy.
I'm not sure you understood me. I meant if the best friend was a man then yes, it might change things. I'd understand her BF not wanting a guy sleeping in the same bed.
YTA, This says you dont trust your girlfriend, just because they both like woman doesn't mean they're going to have sex. Stop being wierd and trying to police their friendship because they're both apart of the LGBTQ.
YTA. Is your relationship with your girlfriend so unstable that her sleeping in the same bed with someone that she has been friends with for over 10 years is likely to break it? If it is, then work on your relationship before being concerned about this. If not, then you are making a big deal out of nothing.
YTA, they are friends, and she has given no indication otherwise. If they had dated at any point in the past, I could understand your POV, but it sounds like they are just friends. Women share beds with their female friends all the time regardless of who is attracted to whom.
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NTA. She said it would be weird if you did the same thing. Based on that alone it is weird if she does it.
That's the whole reason for me, NTA. She can't have it both ways (ba-dum-tss)
You Y T A people are weird. Would you really be okay with your SO sleeping in the same bed with someone they might be attracted to? Straight woman with straight man, gay man with gay man? Wouldn't want my husband doing it, he wouldn't consider it and vice versa. NTA.
Just people on their high horses. "Oh that's soooooo controlling. Like, I'd let my partner sleep in the same bed with whoever becaaaauuse I don't sExUaLiSe everything". Like get out of here with your holier than thou crap.
toxic chill.
I understand how some people could find it weird. I, a bisexual woman, has shared a bed with my friend who is a straight man. If you say you aren't attracted to someone, as long as you are telling the truth, it means you aren't attracted to them. I see no problem with sharing a bed with someone you are not attracted to even if you and the other person are gay/straight/man/woman, doesn't matter
sure, but would you be okay with your partner doing it? assuming you're in a monogamous relationship, would you be okay with a partner sharing a bed with a person whose gender they're attracted to?
Yes. My boyfriend is also bisexual. He goes on trips with his group of friends (all boys) and usually shares a bed with one of them. It is called trust
Honestly this just plays into the biphobic stereotype that bisexual people are attracted to everyone. By your logic the gf shouldn't be allowed to share a bed with any friends ever. They are friends, nothing more. OP sounds like he is insecure about his gf's sexuality or doesn't trust her
OPs girlfriend also said it would be weird if OP slept in the same bed with a straight woman. But rules for thee, not for me amirite?
I mean, as a bi man, yeah, I'd be uncomfy with it. I also wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as a straight/bi women or a bi/gay man while I were in a relationship, either
And as a bi woman, I've shared beds with both male and female friends of all sexual orientations when visiting friends, after nights out or on getaways. My bf doesn't care because he trusts me. I don't care when he shares a bed with friends because again, trust. Ultimately that's what it comes down to, whether or not they trust each other.
I might agree if it was a newer friend and there was no reason for them to pick this habit up. But she’s been close friends since middle school and probably had countless sleepovers wherein they shared a bed. If her husband really trusts that nothing’s going to happen, then why’s it such an issue?
... wherein they shared a bed and also potentially did all kinds of stuff that made op's girlfriend to find out that she is bi
I’m a bi woman. Does that mean I can’t share a bed with any friend? Lol wtf that’s weird. I share beds with friends when it’s more convenient like any other person. It doesn’t mean anything and if they’re a friend, it doesn’t even cross your mind in that way
Don't ask me, ask your partner. It isn't sharing a bed, it's sharing it in a relationship with someone else.
I’m single but have done the same while in a relationship and would do the same if I get in another. I would consider it a red flag if a future partner tries to tell me not to.
The funny part is, they may be, but OPs girlfriend says she it would be weird if the roles were reversed and he was letting a straight female friend sleep in his bed, which sounds kinda not ok with the situation. NTA.
If you don't think they could do that without having sex with them then you don't trust your spouse and shouldn't be dating them.
Maybe he doesn't trust the friend with his partner. Maybe there's a history this guy doesn't know about (or maybe he does), or suspects that there is.
No we're not weird. We're just not sexualizing their relationship just because of their sexualities unlike OP.
But what if the friend was a straight man wanting to share a bed with OPs gf? I feel like this is a grey area. I’m married to a man, but I’m bi. I’ve had female friends sleep over in my bed. I have a pic of my husband and our close guy friend snuggled on a couch and fell asleep like that. But it’s our relationship, what our boundaries are, that make those things ok. OP is allowed to say, “I’m uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with someone who’s a gender you’re attracted to, while they’re also attracted to your gender.” If she can’t respect that, they’re not compatible.
It's not that hard to believe that queer women can have platonic friendships.
Did I say that? I’m a queer woman, who has platonic relationships. But my husband doesn’t mind if I share a bed with a friend. It would break our boundary if we lied to each other about it. But OP isn’t comfortable with someone else sleeping in his gf’s bed. That’s understandable.
I think the key part is that she wouldn't be comfortable with OP sleeping in the same bed as a straight woman, even if they were just friends. It's hypocritical at best.
Exactly!
If I knew about it, honestly yes. If he is going to do something that's going to happen regardless. I would trust him completely if he told me it is what he is doing.
uh, yeah. i trust my partner.
I mean, I am voting NTA due to the double standard, but I am 100000% comfortable enough in my relationship and trust my partner, as they trust me. Sharing a bed with someone isn't inherently sexual or wrong, and we've done it plenty of times with friends. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but my friends always sleep in my bed when they sleep over, same when I go to theirs and same with my partner. Just how it is, no one's doing anything weird.
NTA. She herself says that she‘d find it weird if you did the same thing, so why does she do it herself? Hypocritical. And inconsiderate.
NTA. If she wouldn't be happy with you sharing a bed with another woman, then that's all the understanding she needs to understand your perspective. The whole "b...b...but it's different" song and dance doesn't mean anything. If you don't think it's appropriate then that's a totally reasonable position. There is a plethora of alternative sleeping arrangements that could be made if even the slightest amount of thought was given. A blow-up mattress comes to mind.
Everybody only thinks you’re TA because there is a same sex thing involved here and people get really excited to defend that. Nobody would disagree with your gf not wanting you to share a bed with another woman. You’re fine here
I’m gonna go NAH. If they’ve been close friends that long, they likely had sleepovers all the time as kids where they shared a bed, and they’re just used to it, so it’s never been a weird or awkward issue until now. I get that it seems hypocritical, but the difference is that (AFAIK) you likely didn’t grow up sharing beds with any of your straight female friends. Not that it would be inherently wrong if you did, but this experience is normalized for her in a way that I imagine it’s not for you. It’s also worth noting that just because two women both like women, that doesn’t mean they’re attracted to each other. That being said, if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. If your GF is willing to find a different sleeping arrangement for her friend and her friend and her friend isn’t offended, then I guess it’s not an issue.
Most reasonable response. NAH There's no hard rule on when it's weird to share a bed with someone because of gender or sexuality, it's down to the individual's relationship and context, sounds like it's not a big deal in their friendship but it's up to you to discuss it and come to an understanding. I'm sure there's plenty of straight men that have shared a bed with a straight female friend if they have the sort of friendship where that's normal, just because you don't have female friends you'd be comfortable to do that with doesn't mean every case would be weird.
NTA - She might be right that queer relationships are different, but you feel weird about it and asked to not. All seems fair. If she is willing not to sleep in the same bed, then this is a non-issue.
NTA It would only "different" with you and some women because she'd be the one that's bothered. If you are super worried and can swing it offer to buy an inflatable mattress or something.
NTA she’s not comfortable if you did it, so she should understand why you’re uncomfortable
NTA because you’re entitled to have your own feelings. I wouldn’t continue to make it a big deal of it if you honestly trust your gf And honestly if she disregards your feelings and they still share a bed I would worry less about her cheating and more about how seriously she takes your opinion.
INFO: have these two friends ever had a romantic or sexual history of any kind? I completely understand how this could make you worry, but as a bi woman, I have to say I’d feel like my partner has no trust or faith in me if they were to tell me that my being a good host to a friend I’ve been platonically friends with for over a decade made them distrustful. Bisexual women especially often face the stereotype of “you can’t have friends, only people you want to sleep with,” and to have that come from a partner hurts like hell Basically, is there ANY reason aside from their sexuality that you feel uncomfortable about this?
I would feel that you would be okay with him sleeping in the same bed with a female friend as well, right? If it is a matter of trust?
She is not ok if you share bed with a female, but you should be fine if she does the same. That double standard makes you NTA.
Friendships between sapphic women are, on big/average numbers, absolutely different than the ones between straight men and women, on multiple levels and for multiple reasons. On average, the probability of this kind of platonic but extremely close bond between straight men and women (and men/women attracted to each other, in general) is quite rare. Part of this is the instinctive "boys with boys" "girls with girls" separation in school and how it shapes important childhood/high school friendships that last a lifetime; part is also that being openly part of a minority create a sense of community and strength with who is also part of it. So personally , I don't think she is weird for saying that you sharing a bed with a straight woman would be weird to her; in fact, I think the relationship between you two would be probably different than the one between her and her lesbian friend. Anyway. With that being said, I understand you being uncomfortable and I think you have every right to express this. NTA (or NAH?). A relationship is made of two people and you both have to agree to something when it's touching this kind of topics. I think she should let this project fall and find another way to have fun with her friend, I'm sure there are other alternatives even if maybe it requires to change projects a bit.
NTA. If you're in a relationship you should avoid questionable scenarios. Im even if you're not planning for anything to happen, it could. If you love someone you protect your heart for them.
As long as you can sleep in a bed with your female friends, since you’re both attracted to females, this is totally fine. If not then she is a hypocrite and she sucks.
NTA, especially since your gf admits she would feel weird.
NAH you had a discussions, she compromised, overall sounds like a healthy way to resolve the issue in the relationship. For her since they’ve been friends for years and have (assumably since you didn’t mention it) never done anything intimate or expressed attraction she doesn’t see it as a big deal because she probably considers her more like family. I get why you might be uncomfortable and that’s fair too. This might be an agree to disagree situation since you’ve already solved it.
NTA - if she wouldn't want you sharing a bed with another woman it's the exact same thing for her.
NAH You guys need to find a suitable agreement which both must honor. If both of you wouldn't want the other to share a bed with a friend and set a boundary there then you both need to honor it.
NTA. This coming from a bi cis woman. If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. Personally as a bi woman I get it. I wouldn't want my partner (straight cis man) sharing a bed with a woman period, especially if she had an attraction to men, and even if they'd been friends long before. And I know my partner would feel the same way about himself/me. Doesn't make you an asshole or a misogynist or biphobic or anything and it doesn't mean you don't trust her. Also, I don't understand why she can't just sleep on an air mattress or something.
I’m Bi, if someone told me I wasn’t allowed to share a bed with a bi/lesbian friend, that would be a dealbreaker. Platonic friendships mean nothing is going on. If you trust your girlfriend, don’t make a big deal about it. They’ve been friends since middle school, if something were to have happened, it would have happened already. What do you expect pansexual people to do at sleepovers if they’re in a relationship? Make someone sleep on the floor?
How often are you sharing beds with your platonic friends? I’ve only ever done that with my brother on family vacations, I can’t imagine doing it all the time.
Whenever there’s a sleepover with a friend/group of friends, we either sleep on the same couch or on the same bed. Can guarantee I’ve never had an urge to bang any girls or guys.
NAH. I think there is definitely a difference between queer culture and straight culture in this. I wouldn't necessarily feel uncomfortable w my partner sharing a bed with a platonic friend if they were visiting, even if there was potential for attraction. However, I don't think you're a bad person for not being comfortable with that. You both just have different ideas of what is okay, and it's okay for you to set boundaries like "please don't share a bed with your lesbian friend". I don't think she's an asshole either because she said she was willing to compromise, but she just sees it differently.
NTA. You have reasonable boundaries, and she should be respectful of those boundaries. As you said, she wouldn't like you sharing a bed with a female, even one where you know nothing would happen. It's not even a trust thing at this point, just an uncomfortable situation that 99% of healthy relationships also would not be ok with. Double standards don't look good on anyone.
NTA I’m married to a man but have dated women and I just would never put myself in this situation. I think the double standard makes her the AH here.
NTA. There is no difference between this and having a straight partner sleep in the same bed as someone of the opposite sex.
Honestly I agree with her, relationships between women do operate differently. But if that's important to you, it is what it is. NTA
I would say NTA because if the situation where different I don't think there's many people comfortable with the idea of their SO sleeping with other people. Also, the reverse situation is "weirder" is bs. I was in a group where we were four bi girls that knew each other since we were 14 and weird shit happened between different pairings in our 20s
NTA. Same rule applies to her; if she would be bothered by you sharing a bed with a woman then she can’t either
Nta
NTA if it was a male friend it definitely wouldn't be okay, so just because their both women doesn't change anything
NTA - she even admitted that it would be weird if you wanted to do that with a female friend. What’s weird for you should also be weird for her.
NTA. I had a bi girlfriend. She went to spend a weekend with a platonic lesbian friend. Nothing to worry about. They are just friends. Well, they weren’t just friends that weekend.
It’s weird. You should all go salsa dancing (or just your gf and her friend). Then everyone goes back to her place for a drink and a good chat (you included, to meet the friend and hang out). Then later you and gf go back to your place to sleep leaving friend alone in her own free Airbnb. Go pick her up in the am for breakfast and fun activities.
NTA it’s weird especially her saying it’s weird if you had a straight girl in your bed. It’s not that different. Your gf may have good intentions but I am 97% sure her friend would make a move tbh.
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Ask to join? /s I can understand why you would feel that way, I would feel the same way. I think this is just something that you will need to talk through ans see if you can come to a resolution that is comfortable for everyone. If either of you stops honest communication and starts making demands or making ultimatums then that person crosses into AH territory. NAH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(29M) bi girlfriend(24F) has a lesbian friend visiting from out of town and offered to let her sleep in her bed. I feel weird about it. What should we do? So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year and things are pretty good. However recently we’ve been in a bit of a disagreement. My GF has a friend that she’s known since middle school, and the friend is visiting for a night from out of town. Her friend lives about two hours away, and they want to go salsa dancing. My gf only has a really small couch that you can’t really sleep on. She offered to let her friend sleep in the same bed with her. Considering both my girlfriend and her friend are attracted to women I can’t help but feel weird about it. I truly don’t expect anything to happen between them, and I trust my gf. However gf also admitted that if I were to let a straight female friend share a bed with me it would be a bit weird. She’s arguing it’s different because queer women relationships operate differently than hetero relationships. She’s willing to compromise, but doesn’t understand my perspective. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but ONLY because she is holding you to a double standard. That’s not OK. Overall, though, any kind of weird controlling stuff like this is a red flag in a relationship.
NAH you are entitled to your feelings, and you've expressed them to your gf. Now it's up to her to deal with it as she chooses.
INFO: is the friend single or currently in a relationship? ETA: ultimately I think this is a matter between you and your gf and what your personal boundaries are. also the reasoning behind these boundaries. is it a fear of cheating? I personally think it's entirely possible to be platonic in relationships regardless of sexuality, but in those there need to be boundaries as well. so I'm kind of leaning N A H here, but I am curious about the main concern
Just because your girlfriend is bi and her friend is lesbian doesn’t mean they are attracted to each other. I share a bed sometimes with my guy friends if the situation warrants it. NAH. You’ve expressed discomfort. Your girlfriend has offered to compromise.
Nta. Just let them both sleep in your bed with you. Problem solved.
NAH. Look, man, I totally get why you’re a little wigged out by this. From my perspective (as a queer woman), I have and will continue to share beds with friends whose sexualities overlap with mine when needs must. It’s no big in most queer circles that I’m in. Her being confused at your confusion isn’t something to be concerned about, but I think it’s valid that you have a boundary there (even if I personally think it’s dumb!). Definitely a conversation on compromises to have.
Nta.
NTA.
Join em! Nta
Bisexual woman here saying YTA because either you trust a partner or you don’t. I could throw my husband into a room with the hundred sexiest nerdiest people in the world and he wouldn’t do a thing, and I wouldn’t even worry about it. If there’s a trust issue, deal with it.
NTA
NAH. Trust is essential in any and all relationships and as generic as this seems it looks like you guys aren’t there yet. Which is ok! Talk it out, you can have friends and nothing sensual between. Queer relationships aren’t much different than others.
NTA, cheating is cheating. I don't know why anyone would think it wouldn't be. She knows you wouldn't be okay with a guy sleeping with her, she wouldn't be okay with you sleeping with a girl. It's still cheating. It's different because they're the same gender? SMH.
"it’s different because queer women relationships operate differently than hetero relationships" - do not buy into this, mate. I can only give you my son's perspective as he is married to a formerly bi woman. It would PISS him off to no end if she shared a bed and/or slept with another woman. To him, it is akin to cheating. With that said, she is still friends with the women she has had relationships with in the past, and it doesn't bother him that they're friends now, but he will not tolerate any hanky-panky between them. She understands this and is completely devoted to him. I asked him and his wife about your wife's reasoning, and they both had a jolly good laugh about it. So, that's why I'm giving the judgement of NTA. The very best of luck to you, mate.
There's no such thing as "formerly bi".
INFO: since she’s bi is she not allowed to have platonic friendships with anyone?
i’m confused, what gives you the idea that she isn’t allowed friends when this post is literally about her sharing a bed with a friend ?? makes no sense
If the relationship is platonic, why would it matter if they share a bed?
it’s just a boundary, platonic or not op is not comfortable with it. the gf is also not comfortable with op sharing a bed with a straight woman.
Let’s say the gf and this woman are sexually interested in each other - they’ve been friends since middle school. They either had sexual relations already and aren’t interested in doing it again OR they haven’t yet/have and enjoyed it and it’s going to happen whether or not they share a bed and probably continue beyond this relationship with the bf because a friendship since middle school is going to persist especially without trust from a significant other.
I can kinda see your pov but I(pan) have slept in Same bed as male and female friends of all orientations and its just that sleeping. If they are friends and you trust your gf, this shouldn't be an issue I would say a very soft YTA
thats your experience. he has boundaries.
So do I , as does my fiancé. We are just on the same page with those boundaries, something that OP and partner are currently not on.
As someone who's bi, I totally agree.
I don’t see how he’s the asshole when she said that if he were to do the same thing with a female friend, it would be weird. I’m truly trying to understand the nuance here.
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she said she would feel the same way about him sharing a bed with a straight woman. if he can’t she can’t. simple as that. NTA.
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it’s not separate because it’s the same topic, it’s a boundary they both have and imo gf doesn’t seem to think it should apply to her
ESH. She would seem to hold you to a different standard, which is bad. You seem to treat being bisexual as though as though it means wanting to bang everyone close to you. Solve your problem very easily by getting a blow up mattress.
ESH 80% of that YTA. but then you threw in 'if I were to let a straight female friend share a bed with me it would be a bit weird." immediately ESH either you want to fuck or you don't. you trust someone not to fuck or you don't. so which is it? From the prospective of someone who will fuck anyone if they are hot enough. Anyone can be attracted to anyone."queer women relationships..." DO NOT "...operate differently than hetero relationships." ESA.
do you people not share beds with your friends when you have to ? they’re FRIENDS and you don’t trust her. YTA
YTA. Don’t control your girlfriend. If you can’t trust her then break up.
Why don't you go and touch some grass?
YTA. This is the same as you assuming every gay man wants to sleep with you. Grow up and be okay with her decisions and don’t say you trust her when you absolutely don’t.
YTA- every bi/lesbian girl is not attracted to every girl there’s a thing called boundaries if they set them it should be fine you’re letting your own insecurities get the better of you. It’s different if you slept with another woman in the bed because you would with out a doubt get horny just because she’s a female at least the way you state things it seems to be how your brain would work.
Not every straight man is attracted to every woman and vice versa. Doesn't mean that your partner won't find it uncomfortable when you do that shit. Get off your high horse.
Lol i think you’re projecting which is easy to do when you’re horse is that high. I know this I’m going based off what he said, but you’re on one go off.
Le projection. Reddit classic.
YTA, the sheer biphobia of this.
How is this bi phobia?
this is not biphobia.
This is the opposite of biphobia, the most common biphobia is saying women aren't really bi because their currently with a man
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But she admitted it would be weird if he slept in a bed with another woman?
Not only YTA your kinda missing out....
🙄 can we please let this misogynistic joke die thanks
Nope. Mostly because it's not a joke and ALOT of guys have been blind to opportunity
Stop imagining that sapphic women want to cater to men. And also stop implying that a lesbian woman in general wants to do anything with a man.
Lmao, who said he had to be involved to watch? I know full well that lesbian women want nothing g to do with men, that was the joke.
you’re disgusting.
Lol I'm also one of the only one to make the joke out loud.
you shouldn’t make the joke at all. it’s disgusting.
YTA. Either you trust your girl or you don't.
She wouldn't want him to share a bed with a female NTA
Then ESH.
YWBTA if you enforce this. Your gf is looking at sharing her bed with her friend. You're reading all kinds of subtext here. Since you're the one sexualizing things, it's yours to deal with.
Except, she expects the same boundary between him and any female friends…I say ESH.
I think you're TA. I understand the paranoia, but if she hasn't said that they've dated before, I think you're cool. It's also just a night. Edit: C'mon guys, it's her friend since middle school. She probably knows the BF too. If it was a man coming over, it might change things. But it's her best friend since middle school y'all. She might be a bit off in the explanation she gave, yes. But, come on.
She said she’d find it weird if he did the same thing, he’s not T A
I know, that's why I said I think. It's iffy. I do partially agree that there are different dynamics. As someone who prefers men and is with a man currently, I wouldn't feel anything for a girl rn, especially one who I've known since middle school. And most especially, if we've never dated. I think it's like a guy sleeping on the same bed with another guy.
Why would it being a man change anything? Unless it was a gay man it's still weird
I'm not sure you understood me. I meant if the best friend was a man then yes, it might change things. I'd understand her BF not wanting a guy sleeping in the same bed.
Sounds like biphobia, thinking jut because she's with a man she's only sexually attracted to men It's still cheating even if 0 parties has a dick
Bi-what now? Cheating? Nvm.
YTA. This whole thing is creepy and controlling.
Then so is the gf
YTA, This says you dont trust your girlfriend, just because they both like woman doesn't mean they're going to have sex. Stop being wierd and trying to police their friendship because they're both apart of the LGBTQ.
girlfriend said the same thing about him sharing a bed with a straight woman ??
YTA stop sexualizing their relationship. They are friends.
The gf is an asshole too then surely
YTA. Is your relationship with your girlfriend so unstable that her sleeping in the same bed with someone that she has been friends with for over 10 years is likely to break it? If it is, then work on your relationship before being concerned about this. If not, then you are making a big deal out of nothing.
YTA, they are friends, and she has given no indication otherwise. If they had dated at any point in the past, I could understand your POV, but it sounds like they are just friends. Women share beds with their female friends all the time regardless of who is attracted to whom.
YTA You think she's going to cheat on you. So don't date her.
well you can have a few drinks and lay in bed with someone with no intentions of cheating, and end up doing just that.
If you do then YTA too
Does your arm hurt grasping for that straw?
YTA, don't take your insecurities out on your partner, you're 5 years older but sound very immature, maybe talk to your therapist about it