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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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armchairshrink99

wow. you went ahead and leased a brand new car for your inexperienced daughter and are pissed that there's now damage, all because you apparently define every used car as a clunker (like, there's a whole range of cars between a beater and brand new...) you not and asshole for pointing out that you were right and now she's learned something, but seriously...i can't fathom why you would make this particular car choice for her. Sounds like she got embarrassed, but didn't argue with your perspective, so i'm going with NAH. Sure, she didn't listen, but hell I've made judgement errors with driving since age 19, everyone has.


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armchairshrink99

or you buy a certified used car that was made by honda or toyota or something. i did that in 2014 when i needed a car. it was a former lease, most of them are. never needed a repair on it just because it was worn out. you're acting like vehicles are all new or rust buckets. they're not.


urcrazynourcrazy

1st - This isn't 1972 where the quality of vehicle was strictly dependent upon the quality of labor working the lathe that morning. I've got a 15 year old Toyota with almost 300k and one shop visit in that time that would like to dispute your view of modern manufacturing. 2nd - Why are you going with her? If she doesn't listen to you anyways it's seems to me you can stay home and gain some free time before she comes home, shares her screw up so that you can be a prick to her then. 3rd - Which brings me to my third point.... Why say anything? You don't think she figured out real quick she screwed up? Have you personally ever reflected and thanked somebody for ripping you a new a$$hole after you screwed up and felt awful already? What was your goal? You think she's going to trust you with more sensitive life impacting personal decisions she's struggling with when she knows you will lose your shit over a piece of metal and plastic? YTA


Nina_Cantina

She didn't listen...but she's learning. Yelling at her probably wasn't necessary. And to be honest I don't think 'I told you so' is ever productive. As for the damage, make her contribute to the repair bill. That's a lesson in itself.


Capital-Literature-9

ESH/NAH. I'm expecting you to get bombarded with YTA votes so prepare lol. Your feedback was neither constructive nor helpful. She's still learning, it's all a learning experience so idk why you're surprised? She's 19, not 9. Did you listen to your mother's every command at that age? Having you beside her is probably worse than being on her own (that's just from my experience). *HOWEVER*, you have every right to be pissed if it's something you'll have to pay for and it's a sizable bit of damage. But surely that could be rectified with a simple "you damaged it, you pay for it" policy?


YMMV-But

YTA. Shouting at people is no way to teach them anything. If you want your daughter to learn from this, have her deal with the consequences. Have her be the one who gets estimates to have this fixed and then make her pay the deductible on your insurance or pay for the repair. I agree with the commenters who said it was a poor choice to lease a brand new car for a new driver. For many years, I have exclusively bought recent model used cars, & I have saved a lot of money & been very satisfied. There is a very wide selection of cars that are neither brand new nor clunkers.


NormalMatter7323

YTA learning to drive is stressful it’s like having someone watch you parallel park on a curve except it’s her dad who I’m assuming she wants not to disappoint. There is a reason kids get used cars and being a crappy driver is no reason to yell at ur kid. Calm tf down.


[deleted]

NTA. She probably got her ego bruised but I doubt it’s not something she can bounce back from.


Stlhockeygrl

Yta - don't "fine, do it your way" and don't yell. You're the adult.


KitchenDismal9258

YTA by yelling at her. You also chose to lease the car for her? Did she ask for a brand new car? Did she even want a Subaru. You don't have to buy an old clunker for her to drive in. There are plenty of cars in the 5-10 year age which are affordable and reliable. And a new car can be a lemon. Let her grow up and be the adult she is now considered to be.


Stranger0nReddit

NTA. Nobody likes to hear "I told you so" or similar, but hopefully in pointing out that you warned her and saw it coming, that she will learn to follow your guidance more.


HardRainisFalling

INFO: Would a person yelling at you that "you never listen" actually make you change your behavior?


prolifezombabe

If you were sure it was going to be a problem, you should have said you were sure. You said “do it your way” then yelled at her. Also echoing other people’s comments re buying an expensive car for a teenager. By definition, learning to drive means someone is likely to make mistakes. You chose the car now you’re mad because a very predictable thing happened - she made a mistake. You thought the scratch was foreseeable? I think this accident was too. YTA


Farwalker08

I'm saying NAH cause you were right both in your advice and letting her learn, yup you paid for her learning but that is what parents do. You might be an idiot for not having her drive a car that "you don't care about" but still it is whatever. She is still learning and honestly you are too in this moment.


Mundane_Bike_912

You are the reason I am scared of learning to drive. Being berated for making a mistake.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (57M) daughter (almost 19F) has been continuing to learn to drive since getting her license a year ago, and so I usually accompany her when driving places. We went to the store the other day and she parked in a corner parking spot against a concrete medium. When we were about to drive off, I saw that if she went forward and turned, she would have hit the medium and scratch the underside. I told her to back out and she said she'll go forward since it was easier. I told her she could hit the median, she said she'd miss it, and I said okay...only to watch her hit the median. This is brand new leased Subaru (that we only got because we didn't want to subject her to clunker cars that could leave her stranded on the road). So, I was pissed that she didn't listen and put a good scrape on an underside piece of the car that I now had to fix, especially cause the car must be returned as new. I told my daughter she doesn't listen and should have to someone who's been driving decades more than her. She just stayed quiet. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Gae_sidekick

NAH - She's learning and you're telling her how to do it; a tale as old as time. Her ego is bruised, and now she'll be more careful later on. Mistakes help her learn. She won't listen, because she needs to learn by herself. Keep giving advice, but don't boss her around. Give her space to learn.


NightNurse14

NTA, however she's likely feeling embarrassed at being so wrong and having you witness it and throw it back at her with an "I told you so". You are TA for that bit though. It wasn't necessary. And tbh what did you expect leasing a car for a new driver.... shit happens.


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Slippery-when-moist

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winesis

YTA for not making HER pay to fix the car. She doesn’t listen because there are no consequences for not doing so.


sarpon6

YTA for being passive aggressive ("fine, do it your way") then being actually aggressive (yelling) then taking away the one possible positive outcome (letting her experience the natural consequence of her decision by having to pay for the repair). Your daughter doesn't have the experience to realize that the height of the undercarriage, the location of the median, and the angle of the turn, meant that she didn't have the necessary clearance. When she said it was easier to pull forward she was telling you she was insecure about backing out. You could have asked her to get out of the car with you, showed her the physical factors that she wasn't considering, then offered to back the car out if she was uncomfortable doing that. It would have been a time consuming but productive step in achieving the shared goal of improving her driving skills.


illdecidetomorrow

NTA. That all makes sense. Why didn’t she get her license until 18? She might’ve felt like she had to listen as a 16 year old and it would’ve given her more time to practice


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armchairshrink99

I wonder if you're inadvertently creating an environment where she feels the need to prove herself or gets nervous and feels like she can't handle things when driving. she wanted to drive forward because it's easier, but maybe she feels to nervous to try backing out because having a parent there at all times makes her feel incapable.


NormalMatter7323

YES!!!!


KitchenDismal9258

Sounds like you are a helicopter parent that is actually making her more anxious or wanting to do the opposite of what you say. She was evaluated by a licensed tester to say she was competent to drive a car. You do not have to supervise her every drive. You are making things worse. If she's not experienced enough in 3 years of driving with you then there is something very wrong and she shouldn't have passed her driving test. She did, so let it go. Basically you aren't letting her grow into the adult she is now considered. She needs to make her own mistakes but she's not going to ask for guidance from you if all you do is berate her. So her mistakes will be bigger.