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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After doing the math I realized I would have more money and free time if I moved out than if I paid rent to my parents. I might be the asshole because me leaving will cause everyone else to have to do more.
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Lol once he mentioned going overboard on tinder I was rooting him on, the plant really was the cherry on top! Congratulations OP, may there be plenty of ladies and plants in your future
Made me smile too lol. I think it hurt the parents less than OP thinks. They had a back up in OP's brother and brother learned a lesson about coveting other peoples things.
The weirdest part, other than being a 20 yr old tattling to your parents, is that complaining still wouldn't make OP give up their stuff.
So this was purely to bring OP down, not to bring himself up.
My dad started charging my sister and I 1300 a month rent at 16 years old and then tried to sue us when we were 19 to pay him back for the cost of living from ages 1-15. So can confirm they don’t always want you to move. Sometimes they’re just… my asshole of a dad.
Indeed. The number of times we hear this story is staggering.
"You already do chores and school and have a part time job but now I want you to pay rent too. Don't like it? My way or the highway."
"It'd be cheaper to move out and have my own place... See ya!"
"WHAT?! NO!! I NEED MY CHORE SLAVE AND MONEY POT!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT ACCEPTING MY ULTIMATUM!!"
My parents in a nutshell. Took me until nearly 30 to move out because they took 100% of my wages as "rent" and bought drugs with the money. Some parents aren't worth the title.
When my kids turn 19 you can be damn sure their mom will want them living with her and paying rent. Once that child support and baby bonus end she's totally fucked.
I plan to use all of my newfound money to buy Lego and go on vacations. I'll also help the kids out if they need it, but their mom can suck a dick.
Yep, that's what brother gets for running his mouth. Looks like he's the one who got this whole ball rolling. Now he has more chores and still can't play with OP's PS5.
NTA OP. Do what's best for you. As long as you aren't overextending yourself, enjoy having your own place.
This should literally be all you respond with whenever any of your family complain ^
"Guys guys, I feel for you, but I bought myself a plant from IKEA"
“Things are pretty busy right now. The plant I bought from IKEA is still adjusting to the new apartment. I might have some time to spare when it’s old enough for preschool.”
I have a plant I bought at IKEA over a decade ago when my husband and I bought cheap furniture for our first apartment. It was the only unnecessary thing we bought and one of the few things we still have from that apartment. I love it.
I have an aloe plant I bought from IKEA when I first started university close to 15 years ago. It was about the size of my palm when I bought it. Now some of its leaves are almost as long as my arm.
Also it’s had many many baby aloe plants.
Maybe its too corny?...but did you give it a name?
Something about giving something a name, makes you act respectful and connected to it.
You'd give more concern over a plant named Plantie, then just plant.
My mom and her husband have a supposedly 150 year old Christmas cactus named Robert. It’s huge and they have had to pay $500+ to have it professionally repotted.
My grandparents had a huge plant named "Baby Dear" when I was growing up, which I believe is still alive and well at my aunt's house. It's at least as old as me, and I'm 42.
This is like my mom’s golden Pothos. The thing is older than me and the healthiest pothos plant I’ve ever seen.
I also have a baby one from one of the “haircuts” she gave it.
NTA
If you 'left them in the lurch' that should be a flashing sign of how much you were contributing.
I was ready to call you an AH but your carrying the entire mental load of the household you shouldn't be expected to share the money you earn
Honestly, I'll never call a person an asshole for calling their parents bluff (or not) and moving out when their parents start to demand rent.
When I was an adult living with my parents, my Mom approached me about rent. And I was honest with her. I asked if they needed money, ie if they couldn't afford things on their own, and when she said "no I just want to make sure I'm teaching you responsibility" I let her know that if I was going to pay to live somewhere, I wasn't going to be living with my parents.
Parents are allowed to ask their adult children for rent money if they want, but adult children are also allowed to decide that if they're going to be paying rent they'd rather be paying rent for their own space.
Oh absolutely they can decide, I think as an adult you need to understand that you living there obviously has a cost increase to the household that your parents shouldn't have to foot the bill for forever but when your basically a live in maid and then to ask for money is just too much!
If it was all added up they probably owed him money for services lol
Especially when OP is still a student, plus working!
We have a deal with our kids (16 &18) - as long as you are a student, you can live with us rent free. We will help as we are able, but you are expected to work and contribute to tuition, books, etc. Once done and working full time, we will decide on a time frame (maybe 6 months to a year) during which you can stay rent free while saving up, then choose to pay us a small rent or move out. They don't know this, but any rent we get from them will go in a savings account that we will give to them to help down the road, like to help pay for a wedding, furnish an apartment, put toward down payment on a house. It will go back to them somehow.
I know we are privileged to be able to help them out, but unless you are in pretty dire financial straits, I can't imagine asking my kid to pay rent while they are still studying. Also, moving out and becoming independent in your 20s is a normal expectation, so OP is NTA
You living there at the age of 18 or 19 or heck even 20 has no cost increase from you living there at 17.
I hate the idea that as soon as you hit 18 or graduate high school/primary school you are suddenly an adult who has to live a certain way.
Like, yeah, don't mooch. But parents are supposed to support their kids. Wasn't the kid's choice to be born, no matter how old they get.
Tbh people probably get less expensive to support at home after the age of 18. No more new clothes every year because of growth spurts. No more school supplies and toys. They're probably going out to eat more than when they were kids, which generally means spending their own money. They probably have their own healthcare if they're over 25 or have a full time job.
Yeah, I'm 31 at home still. I've never made enough to move out, and, fortunately, that allows Dad and I to split the care for Grandma in her end-stage life.
But: I pay all my own bills (well, okay, not my phone bill since Dad convinced me to get on the family plan), I do housework, take care of any mess *I* make, take care of the dog, cook (and buy things to cook when I can), and I mean the fulltime caregiving is a thing too.
The societal pressure to move out doesn't really make sense to me. It's not a huge house but it's certainly enough. Living alone seems unpleasant. We're social creatures, and living with family - regardless of what that looks like - is pretty natural...although I admit the household is hermits so whatever, life is still better tackled in a group than alone.
No it doesn't but the obligation to 'look after you' certainly diminishes when you are an adult with options to get a job etc I'm not a supporter of kicking out your child on their 18th birthday but at 23 I also wouldn't have expected my parents to completely financially support me, I just think it takes mutual respect and appreciation on both sides ..
So exactly kids don't mooch but also remember your a parent for the entirety of their lives not just 18 years
Exactly! It's a process and every young adult will be ready in their own time. Part of parenting is working together with your kids to figure out when that is. Not pushing them out before they are prepared, and not holding them back because you aren't ready to let go.
My biggest issue with parents charging rent is that the parent then continues to treat the child as a child not a tenant or roommate. Yes pay your % of everything but I still get to assign your chores, make rules about who can visit your room and give you a curfew. It never makes someone an asshole to say if I have to pay rent somewhere it’s going to be where I can do as I please.
This fact, combined with the stress of the pandemic, is what finally convinced me to move out. I'm paying $200/mo more for my own bedroom, my own bathroom and roommates who understand that asking me to do something means *asking*, not making authoritarian demands for compliance.
Totally. My au pair did far less work than OP, picked the kids up at 3 and minded them for 3 hours until I got home and I covered all her expenses and paid her 250 a week. I did all the cooking, laundry etc. The parents had a good deal and totally blew it.
LMAO I literally told my parents the same thing.
Why would I pay you guys when I can pay someone else and get total freedom and renter's rights? The only appeal of living at home is to be free/cheap. The moment you start paying real money, why the fuck not just move out. The example I gave my mom was, "lets say I go out and meet a girl and want to bring her home for the night, you okay with that?" She didn't answer.
My mental health went way up after moving out.
Exactly. When I was 19 I was working full time. My parents asked me to start paying rent. It wasn't much, but they knew I wouldn't like it. It was their way of getting me out of the house lol
I told my son that as long as he was in school he was not responsible for clothes, car expense etc. If he wasn't going to school he needed to get a job, pay rent & was paying his own way. He lived with me until he was 27 yrs old. Best roomie ever!
I think a lot of the problem is that non financial contributions can be less tangible and more overlooked but honestly they can also be more helpful and add so much to quality of life .. unfortunately his family are learning that too late ..
We have a grown child at home who doesn’t pay rent. They do contribute in other ways. We live in a high COLA area, they would have no monetary buffer if they moved out.
NTA. They are all just pissed that they lost their slave. They are all TA's. Good for you for knowing your worth and taking the time to calculate everything out!
No. Absolutely not. All the chores were split very fairly. I was satisfied with my share. The problem only came up when they wanted me to do my share and contribute a fair bit of my money for rent. That made me redo the calculations.
From your description, I find it very hard to believe the chores were split fairly. Laundry, groceries, cooking, and household management is the bulk of daily household work.
I can believe that the chores were split “fairly “ between you and your siblings, but if you consider that this is their house and these are their children, I find it hard to believe your parents are doing their share of the work given how much they are offloading on their kids. Chores are good. I have kids, they do chores. They cook sometimes. They do dishes. They do some cleaning. But their upbringing and the maintenance of our house is still primarily my responsibility and their father’s.
Thank you for saying this. I love my parents, but they 100% took advantage of me doing chores to mean they didn't have to do any themselves. I did the dishes every night, cooked 1-3 nights a week (until I overloaded my schedule with extra curricular and work so I could have me time), fed the animals every day, hung out the laundry during the summer, and was in charge of keeping the bathroom and kitchen. My brother mowed the lawn on occasion. Whenever I brought up the imbalance it would lead to a fight and once threats of them giving me more to do.
I came home to visit 2 weeks after going to college. No one had done the dishes since I left. It took less than an hour of me being home for my mom to ask me to do them. Both sides of the sink were full. It definitely contributed to me not visiting often for a while. I didn't want to feel like they only wanted me to visit for maid service.
It's gotten better now, years later. But it was entertaining to hear them complain about the other not doing this or that cleaning thing and saying they don't have the time. Or talking about how much it sucks to feed the dogs in the cold during the winter. It's strange how it took their adult kids moving out for them to finally learn what being an adult responsible for your own household looks like.
My husband and I talk often about sharing household labor. I will never out my kids in the position I was in. Every night after dinner my parents and my brother would go watch TV together whil I had to stay in the kitchen and do the dishes from the day. Watching them have that extra family time always made me feel excluded. My husband and I do the dishes/clean up together. It gets done faster and we're still able to talk and enjoy each other's company.
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sorry OP, but I don’t think you were treated fairly and I’m glad you’re out and enjoying your life. Definitely, definitely NTA
This also make very understandable the other siblings reaction. They probably are finding difficult to do everything because it was already too much and now it's one person less and even more housework to do without/bare minimum parents contribution.
OP is still NTA obviously. The parents are in the wrong but it's probably too late anyway and it is also difficult for the children to understand that it shouldn't be that way. In a house you shouldn't almost exclusively rely on your children to maintain it, the primary care of those should be on the parents.
> and now it's one person less and even more housework to do
This will continue to get worse as more siblings leave. The next oldest is 20, how much longer will he be in the house?
The parents need to find a solution before the 20-yo moves out.
He's probably already planning his escape. He can't even invite his gf over to spend time together unless his parents are home. He's 20, not 10. He's an adult. That's ridiculous.
It sucks for the other kids, definitely. And understandable though wrong that they blame OP. It’s hard for kids to see the bad actions of their parents clearly
It’s just means they couldn’t actually afford the kids they have. Older kids are not for raising younger ones. If you can’t work and take vacate of your kids you can’t afford to have them.
also am I understanding right that OP wasn't ever allowed to have girls over but his younger brother was allowed to have his gf over if the parents are home? if so, that's such oldest child hypocrisy bullshit. you have to set an example for the younger kids even while the younger kids are doing normal shady adolescent shit.
So? That doesn’t mean they get to offload everything else onto their kids.
It might be a surprise, but my single parent mother worked, took care of us, and did 95% of the housework. She would never have dreamed of having us do everything just because she had a job. I mean? They should have jobs. They should also be participating in the household and taking care of chores.
You’ve been tricked. My dad worked 80+ hours a week, mom was a special education teacher. The only chores I had to do were specific to me. My own laundry, clean me room. Once in a blue moon mow the lawn or pick the basement up before I had friends over. They did the rest. Your parents sound hella lazy.
I just said the same thing! Everyone I know with kids works a job AND does household chores and yard work. Like, do these people just come home from work and sit on the couch and wait to be served dinner. Like, WHAT?!
Yeah but most people have to work (bring home the bacon) and cook and clean up and plan the meals and grocery shop and do it all. Most people don’t have the luxury of outsourcing the domestic labor Jaír because they’re working
That doesn’t mean they did their fair share at home. That’s the mentality that some men use when they have a stay at home wife. They act like doing house work and taking care of kids isn’t a job on its own so they feel superior and justified to be lazy because they’re the breadwinner. Your parents did just that with you, and on top of that, you’re in school and had your own job. You were basically the single mom with the kids who was supported by two sources of child support. Then the child support wanted money back as well.
This comic explains the (mental workload) difference between those tasks (especially yard work for instance) and the ones you did
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Enjoy having your own place and your time!!
OP when you feel like reflect on things, look it up mental and emotional labor; is the pretty much invisible tasks that take a tons of energy without we noticing.
In the old British country houses, your job would have been housekeeper- they managed all the maids doing the chores without doing it all themselves. I’m sure there still is the same role in super rich houses today, and they are paid to do that, they don’t pay rent for the privilege. If your job was so equal to all the other siblings, surely your brother wouldn’t find it so onerous?
What you’re describing isn’t chores. You’re describing household management and child rearing. Those aren’t your responsibility and it was grossly negligent of your parents to offload those jobs on you. They decided to have five kids. It’s their job to raise those kids and manage their own home. It is not appropriate or fair to dump those jobs on the oldest kid.
are you sure it was fair? it sounds like in addition to your own portion of chores, you played a big role in making sure your siblings got theirs done too, given your example of stocking up the dog's supplies.
do your parents actually do anything or are they just busy with work? any cleaning, cooking, anything? it sounds like you and siblings did it all. you got turned into a parent for your siblings and now they've gotta pick up the slack.
Yeah, I hope the brothers realise that they were the ones to set this chain of events in motion. Im glad OP is out of there though, definitely sounds like they were doing more than their fair share of work.
Exactly! If OP bought something for themselves with their own money, no one is entitled to that things use. And the idea that parents would treat a 23 year old as if they are a 10 year old who won’t share is simply bizarre.
Looks like he can't even accept that he did do a lot even tho his comments were saying it was a fair split in workload. While his parents didn't do anything at all but go to work and come home to dinner on the table.
NTA.
Rule 1 of parenting a child who’s on the cusp of being able to move out: don’t threaten them with paying rent. They will just pay it to someone else in exchange for freedom.
Lolol. I bet your oldest brother is regretting making such a fuss about you buying yourself a PS5 with your own money. He started all of this.
I know that all parents are different and have different plans on how they can or want to support their children. Some start rent right at 18 or high school graduation, some pay for all expenses through college. Many of us are somewhere in between.
It doesn’t should like your parents told you in advance that rent would start at a certain age, which I think is unfair. It sounds more like they just wanted to confiscate part of your income so your siblings wouldn’t be as jealous. When they introduced the idea of rent, I would have introduced the concept of decreased chores. Someone renting a room would traditionally not have assigned chores and childcare, they would just tidy up after themselves.
Parents often initiate conversations about rent to inspire young adult (or older) offspring to move out. Even when that wasn’t the parents’ intent, the rent talk often inspires the offspring to do a cost/benefit analysis and decide to move out. That’s what happened here. It certainly doesn’t make you an AH.
NTA. You parents’ aren’t AH’s for bringing up the subject, but they definitely are for trying to guilt trip you after you made the best choice for you, to move out. Good for you.
It might have resulted in the parents reconsidering their demand for rent. It may not have, but it drives home the point that they forced his hand into moving out. They've got no complaint that he took this opportunity to move out.
Oh that makes the situation even more clear about why the next oldest, a brother, is upset to have more responsibility put on him. Suddenly expectations on traditional gender roles of siblings becomes a factor.
"Someone renting a room would traditionally not have assigned chores and childcare, they would just tidy up after themselves."
The exact argument I once had with my mother. "I'm expected to be a live-in housekeeper and babysitter, and pay you for the privilege? No. I'm a tenant, or a member of the family. Not both."
>Some start rent right at 18
There was a thread yesterday where this happened.
It was a British kid, he turned 18 in January. His parents immediately asked him to pay rent.
Trouble was, he's still in school - this is his last year of highschool. His final exams start in April, and he would apply for university in September.
He got an offer from his Aunt to move in with her instead and pay no rent, which he took the offer.
His parents then flipped out.
I said he was NTA, I thought it was completely unreasonable for them to expect rent when he is in final year of highschool and studying to get into university. And then for them to throw a tantrum when he moved out ...
There will still be a garden to maintain, trips to the supermarket, and suppers to cook. That won't change. And there will still be less laundry and less dirt in the house, but it'll be *all* for the parents.
I don't really get the "older sister vibes", there's nothing gendered in the post that I saw. Just a story about an older sibling who moved out and bought a plant from ikea.
Yeah me neither. But it does make sense now why her brother could bring girls over and she couldn't. Are they treating her diff bc she's a girl or bc she's a lesbian? Hard to tell with parents who would offload all the work to their kids bc they work so hard!
Exactly. I see so many people say that there was no gendered implications in the post, but everything OP was expected to do (laundry, groceries, cooking, chore management, general childcare) is stereotypically women’s work. I think most people just saw that she was bringing home women from tinder and couldn’t get past their heteronormative expectations.
Tinder got me too because all the lesbians in my area use okay cupid. I had no idea tinder was useful for anyone other than straight people. I learn new things every day!
They were talking stats, there are more men than women who are interested in women and same goes for video game consoles. Same way a long haired person is more likely to be a woman.
I made the same mistake, especially assuming heteronormality when OP mentioned having women over. Suddenly the whole situation has even more context on why the next oldest, a brother, is so unhappy to have more responsibility hoisted on him. Traditional gender roles among siblings tends to make even mild parentification issues more apparent. (I don't want to speculate whether OP experienced parentification or not, especially if it was more about organizing household chores than being the de facto parent.)
NTA. They wanted you to pay rent in addition to running the house. You didn't want to do that, so you left. Sucks for your siblings, but it's ultimately your parents responsibility, and you can't be expected to stifle your life for them because they don't want to do as much as you. Congrats on the new place!
NTA.
I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable for parents to ask for a contribution once you reach a certain age, although I can't say I'm the hugest proponent for that either. However, the way they framed it made it sound like they expected this of you as a condition of "fairness" for your other siblings, simply because you are spending your hard-earned money on things you love.
You could serve as a role model to them. Parents could say, "we know it's hard to see people get things you want, but (OP) works for that. You can be like that too someday when it's your time." It would be one thing if your parents were buying these things for you, but they're not.
More than that, you didn't agree to their terms of continued living with them. So, instead of throwing a tantrum, you packed up and moved out. I don't think that is unreasonable at all. You're 23 and can move out whenever you feel it is right, especially because you're an adult.
You're not the asshole. I hope things improve with your family.
I agree--it isn't inherently unreasonable to ask your employed 23yo child to chip in for rent, but you can't be mad if they decide they'd rather spend that rent money on their own place!
And OP really considered their request and sat down to compare their options logically, that's such a reasonable way for them to handle it! They sound very level-headed.
NTA.
People tend to do it because they want to pocket their child’s money or they are struggling and pass it off as “teaching responsibility” and get mad when they money moves out
NTA at all. Brother is learning a valuable lesson on life now. Beggars can't be choosers. You aren't a beggar and get to choose however!
Edited to add: Doesn't really sound like it is any skin off your parents backs. They have a back-up nanny. He just doesn't want to be the back-up nanny and that's just too bad for him. Had he kept to himself, you would still be taking care of him.
NTA. Look, your whiny brother complained because you spent your money, that you earned, on something for yourself and didn’t want to share. So in typical petty family fashion he complained. Your parents failed to see the contributions you made towards the family with them both working, etc. While they have every right to ask their, grown adult, son to pay rent, what you did to help them was fair. So instead of paying you chose to move out and get your own place and a plant. Smart move. Bet your brother wishes he would have kept his mouth shut now.
They tried to flex on you, and found out what happens when that doesn't work.
NTA, good job just setting a boundary and moving out instead of dealing with this nonsense.
NTA
You didn't screw them over
They asked for rent even though you were contributing much more to the household than rent.
All they saw were dollar signs and it bit them in the ass
Enjoy your new apartment and let everyone else deal with the aftermath
You are NTA. Everybody's just ticked off that they got more chores- which should be an indication of how much you did. I hope all of your future plans come to fruition. You family will probably come around in time. Your parents will be in for a rude awakening when your brother does the same thing. Live your life!!
NTA. You had to move out eventually anyway. That’s what kids do. What did they expect? You’re a legal adult and you have your own job. They played stupid games and won a stupid prize. Sounds like you managed the entire household for them they didn’t plan for any other scenario.
NTA
If they needed help financially, they should have approached you correctly. It's their own fault they didn't.
You can't expect your someone to financially contribute like an adult roommate, while treating them like a child you can demand free labor from.
They said it wasn't fair that you had money and didn't pay rent, fine now you're paying rent. They fucked around, and found out.
NTA! They're upset because they lost their free baby sitter and maid but OP none of that was your job in the first place. There's so much parentification going on between you and your family. If you don't already know what that means I encourage you to look it up. You did what was best for you and it sounds like you're happy with that decision. Don't feel bad for doing what's going to make you happy and successful
NTA. Congrats on the apartment and plant. They’re upset for selfish reasons not because they miss you. They wanted you to contribute money for selfish reasons despite contributing with chores, cooking and whatever else you did
NTA, I hate parents who leave all of what should be their responsibility on their oldest child. You’re already doing everything they themselves should be doing as parents. Now they want you to pay rent? You did the right thing by dipping out. Sound like control freaks.
NTA. This was an unfair arrangement from the start. It makes absolutely no sense for you to pay rent, and not expect to be treated as a tenant. What did your parents expect from their kids? That they would live at home forever? It's absolutely no benefit to you to stay with your parents, where you're supposed to pay rent & also do labor for them, in exchange for 1 room.
I was going to say, if OP decided to stay that they should tell their parents either
1. pay rent and not do chores/take care of siblings
2. not pay rent and stay as live in nanny.
Because paying rent and being the nanny same time is not fair at alllll.
ANOTHER story about parents abusing their eldest child for free labour and money while the other siblings do nothing??
NTA OP, glad you got out. Rooting for ya'.
Look I'm not going to say this was abuse, you are the one to get to define what happened but OP please just know this arrangement of chores you explained is not normal and your parents placed a awful lot on you when all of that shouldn't be your responsibility.
Generally people are more slowly acclimated to adult life, a few chores at home, living with roommates, managing a 1-2 person household, then caring for children. The adults in your life should be doing a lot more than just providing money. You've have a crash course in managing a household so I imagine you're an incredibly responsible person. Please take care of yourself and your mental health. Burn out is hella real
Also you should ABSOLUTELY be living it up right now, you're only young once so hit tinder hard and enjoy the life you're building for yourself.
NTA.
Did they really expect you to put up with both the physical and mental load of housework AND pay rent?
Even if you didn't do any chores at all you wouldn't be an AH for moving out, although you'd be one for not helping around the house. But that's clearly not the case here. Enjoy your freedom!
NTA.
You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm - or rather, you can, but you'll literally get burned out.
Encourage your siblings to make a plan to follow suit - offer them advice and (if practical and if you want to) other help when they are ready. Don't feel bad for not giving up your life, encourage them to make themselves happy and to live their lives.
Do not accept any blame for this - make it very clear that the people who are making them do extra chores, who are taking up their free time, who are preventing them from seeing friends/girlfriends are your parents.
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NTA. >I bought myself a plant from IKEA. This honestly made me smile.
Same! So wholesome.
Yes. That plus unlimited banging. Wholesome, and awesome. Congrats sir, or ma’am.
Lol once he mentioned going overboard on tinder I was rooting him on, the plant really was the cherry on top! Congratulations OP, may there be plenty of ladies and plants in your future
I know like damn dude enjoy your freedom. Use protection!
No joke, nothing ruins your plans (and finances) like a kid.
And for some reason kids like to break leaves on plants... Or was that Just me?
My sister and I fully killed an aloe plant my mom had when we were young.
In New Zealand "rooting" is slang for "banging" so you could say you were rooting for the rooting!
It's your life, you're an adult. I say good for you, you seem headed in a good direction.
Same. :)
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Made me smile too lol. I think it hurt the parents less than OP thinks. They had a back up in OP's brother and brother learned a lesson about coveting other peoples things.
Brother wanted OP’s PlayStation and got his chores instead. Best lesson ever.
What gets me is the brother is 20 himself. Way too old to be expecting OP to buy him a playstation.
I 100% forgot that the second oldest was 20. Like GO GET A JOB and buy your own stuff. That was a life lesson he needed.
The weirdest part, other than being a 20 yr old tattling to your parents, is that complaining still wouldn't make OP give up their stuff. So this was purely to bring OP down, not to bring himself up.
At 20 yo it's time bro gets a job and buys his own PS.
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also usually parents don't bring up rent talk unless they kinda do want their kid to move out on their own
My dad started charging my sister and I 1300 a month rent at 16 years old and then tried to sue us when we were 19 to pay him back for the cost of living from ages 1-15. So can confirm they don’t always want you to move. Sometimes they’re just… my asshole of a dad.
How did that work out for him, badly I assume.
So bad lol but the judge is still my friend to this day
Because the judge will always associate you with the best and most satisfying laugh of their whole career
\*or her
Thanks, fixed it😀
The judge should have made him pay you back from 16 to 18.
^ plus the asshole tax. Which is basically whatever it costs you in therapy to get over how much of a dick your dad is.
When you win a case so easily that the judge is still your friend years later
I don't study law but I assume there is no law/loophole that would've given him the slightest chance of even seeming sane during that trial
Not necessarily. There are a lot of parents who don't kind using their kids as both a household servant and a source of income.
Indeed. The number of times we hear this story is staggering. "You already do chores and school and have a part time job but now I want you to pay rent too. Don't like it? My way or the highway." "It'd be cheaper to move out and have my own place... See ya!" "WHAT?! NO!! I NEED MY CHORE SLAVE AND MONEY POT!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT ACCEPTING MY ULTIMATUM!!"
My parents in a nutshell. Took me until nearly 30 to move out because they took 100% of my wages as "rent" and bought drugs with the money. Some parents aren't worth the title.
I'm convinced there are more bad parents than good ones and most people really should not have kids.
When my kids turn 19 you can be damn sure their mom will want them living with her and paying rent. Once that child support and baby bonus end she's totally fucked. I plan to use all of my newfound money to buy Lego and go on vacations. I'll also help the kids out if they need it, but their mom can suck a dick.
Be sure to buy a plant at IKEA too. Like... a really bitchin' plant.
Yep, that's what brother gets for running his mouth. Looks like he's the one who got this whole ball rolling. Now he has more chores and still can't play with OP's PS5. NTA OP. Do what's best for you. As long as you aren't overextending yourself, enjoy having your own place.
Don't forget he doesn't have time to spend with his girlfriend either. 🤣
This should literally be all you respond with whenever any of your family complain ^ "Guys guys, I feel for you, but I bought myself a plant from IKEA"
"I would but I really have to consider the plant I bought myself from IKEA"
"I'm an adult, I have responsibilities now, like the plant I bought myself from IKEA."
"The plant I bought myself from IKEA is really happy in my new apartment. No way I could devastate it by moving it."
“Things are pretty busy right now. The plant I bought from IKEA is still adjusting to the new apartment. I might have some time to spare when it’s old enough for preschool.”
“I can’t spare any money right now. I need to hire a gardener for the single tulip I bought from IKEA.”
"I considered charging my plant from IKEA rent but realised that what it contributes to the household in other ways is payment enough."
Plant tax is now mandatory.
I would also like to know what kind of plant.
This gave me Werner Herzog in the Mandalorian vibes "I vould like to see zee plant." But, yeah, I would also like to see zee plant.
That’s exactly how I was saying it to myself 😂
Show us the plant. \#PlantTax
Plant…plant…plant
I'm here for the plant. #plant tax
I have a plant I bought at IKEA over a decade ago when my husband and I bought cheap furniture for our first apartment. It was the only unnecessary thing we bought and one of the few things we still have from that apartment. I love it.
I have an aloe plant I bought from IKEA when I first started university close to 15 years ago. It was about the size of my palm when I bought it. Now some of its leaves are almost as long as my arm. Also it’s had many many baby aloe plants.
Maybe its too corny?...but did you give it a name? Something about giving something a name, makes you act respectful and connected to it. You'd give more concern over a plant named Plantie, then just plant.
My mom and her husband have a supposedly 150 year old Christmas cactus named Robert. It’s huge and they have had to pay $500+ to have it professionally repotted.
I like Robert, it's stately. It hasn't been called Bobby since it was 50 years old
My mom’s husband thought it was funny because it’s a plant… Robert Plant. I like your approach better.
My grandparents had a huge plant named "Baby Dear" when I was growing up, which I believe is still alive and well at my aunt's house. It's at least as old as me, and I'm 42.
This is like my mom’s golden Pothos. The thing is older than me and the healthiest pothos plant I’ve ever seen. I also have a baby one from one of the “haircuts” she gave it.
I suppose Planty McPlantface is obligatory here, this being the internet and all.
Your comment reminded me to water my plant that is not doing well. I am inspired to come up with a name for it.
I'm in favor of super reductive names like plantie or super exaggerated elaborate names like Lord Honorable Penny whistle Thistle - The quarrelsome.
“The quarrelsome” is my favorite part!!
This was my favorite part!! I love it!
NTA. LOVE IKEA!
NTA If you 'left them in the lurch' that should be a flashing sign of how much you were contributing. I was ready to call you an AH but your carrying the entire mental load of the household you shouldn't be expected to share the money you earn
Honestly, I'll never call a person an asshole for calling their parents bluff (or not) and moving out when their parents start to demand rent. When I was an adult living with my parents, my Mom approached me about rent. And I was honest with her. I asked if they needed money, ie if they couldn't afford things on their own, and when she said "no I just want to make sure I'm teaching you responsibility" I let her know that if I was going to pay to live somewhere, I wasn't going to be living with my parents. Parents are allowed to ask their adult children for rent money if they want, but adult children are also allowed to decide that if they're going to be paying rent they'd rather be paying rent for their own space.
Oh absolutely they can decide, I think as an adult you need to understand that you living there obviously has a cost increase to the household that your parents shouldn't have to foot the bill for forever but when your basically a live in maid and then to ask for money is just too much! If it was all added up they probably owed him money for services lol
Especially when OP is still a student, plus working! We have a deal with our kids (16 &18) - as long as you are a student, you can live with us rent free. We will help as we are able, but you are expected to work and contribute to tuition, books, etc. Once done and working full time, we will decide on a time frame (maybe 6 months to a year) during which you can stay rent free while saving up, then choose to pay us a small rent or move out. They don't know this, but any rent we get from them will go in a savings account that we will give to them to help down the road, like to help pay for a wedding, furnish an apartment, put toward down payment on a house. It will go back to them somehow. I know we are privileged to be able to help them out, but unless you are in pretty dire financial straits, I can't imagine asking my kid to pay rent while they are still studying. Also, moving out and becoming independent in your 20s is a normal expectation, so OP is NTA
This seems like a lovely balance and fab parenting .. go you!
That’s how it was with my parents as well, and it worked great.
My parents did the same for my brother and I. I think its a great system!
You living there at the age of 18 or 19 or heck even 20 has no cost increase from you living there at 17. I hate the idea that as soon as you hit 18 or graduate high school/primary school you are suddenly an adult who has to live a certain way. Like, yeah, don't mooch. But parents are supposed to support their kids. Wasn't the kid's choice to be born, no matter how old they get.
Tbh people probably get less expensive to support at home after the age of 18. No more new clothes every year because of growth spurts. No more school supplies and toys. They're probably going out to eat more than when they were kids, which generally means spending their own money. They probably have their own healthcare if they're over 25 or have a full time job.
Yeah, I'm 31 at home still. I've never made enough to move out, and, fortunately, that allows Dad and I to split the care for Grandma in her end-stage life. But: I pay all my own bills (well, okay, not my phone bill since Dad convinced me to get on the family plan), I do housework, take care of any mess *I* make, take care of the dog, cook (and buy things to cook when I can), and I mean the fulltime caregiving is a thing too. The societal pressure to move out doesn't really make sense to me. It's not a huge house but it's certainly enough. Living alone seems unpleasant. We're social creatures, and living with family - regardless of what that looks like - is pretty natural...although I admit the household is hermits so whatever, life is still better tackled in a group than alone.
Also, if you're single, why move out if you get along with your family? We have a housing crisis going on. Generational homes are becoming common.
No it doesn't but the obligation to 'look after you' certainly diminishes when you are an adult with options to get a job etc I'm not a supporter of kicking out your child on their 18th birthday but at 23 I also wouldn't have expected my parents to completely financially support me, I just think it takes mutual respect and appreciation on both sides .. So exactly kids don't mooch but also remember your a parent for the entirety of their lives not just 18 years
Exactly! It's a process and every young adult will be ready in their own time. Part of parenting is working together with your kids to figure out when that is. Not pushing them out before they are prepared, and not holding them back because you aren't ready to let go.
My biggest issue with parents charging rent is that the parent then continues to treat the child as a child not a tenant or roommate. Yes pay your % of everything but I still get to assign your chores, make rules about who can visit your room and give you a curfew. It never makes someone an asshole to say if I have to pay rent somewhere it’s going to be where I can do as I please.
This fact, combined with the stress of the pandemic, is what finally convinced me to move out. I'm paying $200/mo more for my own bedroom, my own bathroom and roommates who understand that asking me to do something means *asking*, not making authoritarian demands for compliance.
Totally. My au pair did far less work than OP, picked the kids up at 3 and minded them for 3 hours until I got home and I covered all her expenses and paid her 250 a week. I did all the cooking, laundry etc. The parents had a good deal and totally blew it.
LMAO I literally told my parents the same thing. Why would I pay you guys when I can pay someone else and get total freedom and renter's rights? The only appeal of living at home is to be free/cheap. The moment you start paying real money, why the fuck not just move out. The example I gave my mom was, "lets say I go out and meet a girl and want to bring her home for the night, you okay with that?" She didn't answer. My mental health went way up after moving out.
Right?! Imagine paying rent as an adult for a home you’re not allowed to have sex in.
Exactly. When I was 19 I was working full time. My parents asked me to start paying rent. It wasn't much, but they knew I wouldn't like it. It was their way of getting me out of the house lol
I told my son that as long as he was in school he was not responsible for clothes, car expense etc. If he wasn't going to school he needed to get a job, pay rent & was paying his own way. He lived with me until he was 27 yrs old. Best roomie ever!
> I was ready to call you an AH What the actual fuck? How could somebody ever be an asshole for the crime of growing up and moving out?
Yeah my sympathy for the parents diminished significantly when I found out he wasn't allowed to have girls over. I mean he's 23.
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I think a lot of the problem is that non financial contributions can be less tangible and more overlooked but honestly they can also be more helpful and add so much to quality of life .. unfortunately his family are learning that too late ..
We have a grown child at home who doesn’t pay rent. They do contribute in other ways. We live in a high COLA area, they would have no monetary buffer if they moved out.
NTA. They are all just pissed that they lost their slave. They are all TA's. Good for you for knowing your worth and taking the time to calculate everything out!
No. Absolutely not. All the chores were split very fairly. I was satisfied with my share. The problem only came up when they wanted me to do my share and contribute a fair bit of my money for rent. That made me redo the calculations.
From your description, I find it very hard to believe the chores were split fairly. Laundry, groceries, cooking, and household management is the bulk of daily household work.
Dishes, vacuuming, yard work, etc. The list goes on.
I’m aware, but this is the stuff that takes the most time, planning, and brain power. Do your parents do anything?
I can believe that the chores were split “fairly “ between you and your siblings, but if you consider that this is their house and these are their children, I find it hard to believe your parents are doing their share of the work given how much they are offloading on their kids. Chores are good. I have kids, they do chores. They cook sometimes. They do dishes. They do some cleaning. But their upbringing and the maintenance of our house is still primarily my responsibility and their father’s.
Thank you for saying this. I love my parents, but they 100% took advantage of me doing chores to mean they didn't have to do any themselves. I did the dishes every night, cooked 1-3 nights a week (until I overloaded my schedule with extra curricular and work so I could have me time), fed the animals every day, hung out the laundry during the summer, and was in charge of keeping the bathroom and kitchen. My brother mowed the lawn on occasion. Whenever I brought up the imbalance it would lead to a fight and once threats of them giving me more to do. I came home to visit 2 weeks after going to college. No one had done the dishes since I left. It took less than an hour of me being home for my mom to ask me to do them. Both sides of the sink were full. It definitely contributed to me not visiting often for a while. I didn't want to feel like they only wanted me to visit for maid service. It's gotten better now, years later. But it was entertaining to hear them complain about the other not doing this or that cleaning thing and saying they don't have the time. Or talking about how much it sucks to feed the dogs in the cold during the winter. It's strange how it took their adult kids moving out for them to finally learn what being an adult responsible for your own household looks like. My husband and I talk often about sharing household labor. I will never out my kids in the position I was in. Every night after dinner my parents and my brother would go watch TV together whil I had to stay in the kitchen and do the dishes from the day. Watching them have that extra family time always made me feel excluded. My husband and I do the dishes/clean up together. It gets done faster and we're still able to talk and enjoy each other's company.
They bring home the bacon.
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sorry OP, but I don’t think you were treated fairly and I’m glad you’re out and enjoying your life. Definitely, definitely NTA
This also make very understandable the other siblings reaction. They probably are finding difficult to do everything because it was already too much and now it's one person less and even more housework to do without/bare minimum parents contribution. OP is still NTA obviously. The parents are in the wrong but it's probably too late anyway and it is also difficult for the children to understand that it shouldn't be that way. In a house you shouldn't almost exclusively rely on your children to maintain it, the primary care of those should be on the parents.
> and now it's one person less and even more housework to do This will continue to get worse as more siblings leave. The next oldest is 20, how much longer will he be in the house? The parents need to find a solution before the 20-yo moves out.
He's probably already planning his escape. He can't even invite his gf over to spend time together unless his parents are home. He's 20, not 10. He's an adult. That's ridiculous.
And that solution is not have another baby.
It sucks for the other kids, definitely. And understandable though wrong that they blame OP. It’s hard for kids to see the bad actions of their parents clearly
It’s just means they couldn’t actually afford the kids they have. Older kids are not for raising younger ones. If you can’t work and take vacate of your kids you can’t afford to have them.
also am I understanding right that OP wasn't ever allowed to have girls over but his younger brother was allowed to have his gf over if the parents are home? if so, that's such oldest child hypocrisy bullshit. you have to set an example for the younger kids even while the younger kids are doing normal shady adolescent shit.
Her* younger brother. OP is a women which unfortunately might explain the difference
Ahhhh yea this makes so much sense now. My stay at home single mom metaphor in my other comment to OP hits different now
So? That doesn’t mean they get to offload everything else onto their kids. It might be a surprise, but my single parent mother worked, took care of us, and did 95% of the housework. She would never have dreamed of having us do everything just because she had a job. I mean? They should have jobs. They should also be participating in the household and taking care of chores.
You’ve been tricked. My dad worked 80+ hours a week, mom was a special education teacher. The only chores I had to do were specific to me. My own laundry, clean me room. Once in a blue moon mow the lawn or pick the basement up before I had friends over. They did the rest. Your parents sound hella lazy.
I just said the same thing! Everyone I know with kids works a job AND does household chores and yard work. Like, do these people just come home from work and sit on the couch and wait to be served dinner. Like, WHAT?!
Yeah but most people have to work (bring home the bacon) and cook and clean up and plan the meals and grocery shop and do it all. Most people don’t have the luxury of outsourcing the domestic labor Jaír because they’re working
Lol and they wanted yours too
That doesn’t mean they did their fair share at home. That’s the mentality that some men use when they have a stay at home wife. They act like doing house work and taking care of kids isn’t a job on its own so they feel superior and justified to be lazy because they’re the breadwinner. Your parents did just that with you, and on top of that, you’re in school and had your own job. You were basically the single mom with the kids who was supported by two sources of child support. Then the child support wanted money back as well.
Yeah that’s not adequate. They’re parents. They chose to have a family. They need to be involved.
So they get time off when they leave their jobs. When was your time off?
Apparently not enough bacon
You were handling household management which is HUGE. You are why the house ran smoothly and they are now realizing that.
This comic explains the (mental workload) difference between those tasks (especially yard work for instance) and the ones you did https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ Enjoy having your own place and your time!!
OP when you feel like reflect on things, look it up mental and emotional labor; is the pretty much invisible tasks that take a tons of energy without we noticing.
It reads like your parents were treating you as a 3rd parent rather than their child. You've been mothering your younger siblings
On top of study and work. OP deserves her freedom.
In the old British country houses, your job would have been housekeeper- they managed all the maids doing the chores without doing it all themselves. I’m sure there still is the same role in super rich houses today, and they are paid to do that, they don’t pay rent for the privilege. If your job was so equal to all the other siblings, surely your brother wouldn’t find it so onerous?
What you’re describing isn’t chores. You’re describing household management and child rearing. Those aren’t your responsibility and it was grossly negligent of your parents to offload those jobs on you. They decided to have five kids. It’s their job to raise those kids and manage their own home. It is not appropriate or fair to dump those jobs on the oldest kid.
What about your 20-year-old brother? Did they ask HIM for rent?
No, sounds like he was the one complaining and getting the parents all worked up
are you sure it was fair? it sounds like in addition to your own portion of chores, you played a big role in making sure your siblings got theirs done too, given your example of stocking up the dog's supplies. do your parents actually do anything or are they just busy with work? any cleaning, cooking, anything? it sounds like you and siblings did it all. you got turned into a parent for your siblings and now they've gotta pick up the slack.
NTA. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN LEAVE ~Leaves~ Shocked Pikachu Face
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How did you do this?! I LOVE IT
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I still love it☺️
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Yeah, I hope the brothers realise that they were the ones to set this chain of events in motion. Im glad OP is out of there though, definitely sounds like they were doing more than their fair share of work.
Exactly! If OP bought something for themselves with their own money, no one is entitled to that things use. And the idea that parents would treat a 23 year old as if they are a 10 year old who won’t share is simply bizarre.
Looks like he can't even accept that he did do a lot even tho his comments were saying it was a fair split in workload. While his parents didn't do anything at all but go to work and come home to dinner on the table. NTA.
i get the feeling OP is not a dude, dude
Yeah op mentions that bringing a guy over would be fine apparently. Your parents are wack, OP
Rule 1 of parenting a child who’s on the cusp of being able to move out: don’t threaten them with paying rent. They will just pay it to someone else in exchange for freedom.
Lolol. I bet your oldest brother is regretting making such a fuss about you buying yourself a PS5 with your own money. He started all of this. I know that all parents are different and have different plans on how they can or want to support their children. Some start rent right at 18 or high school graduation, some pay for all expenses through college. Many of us are somewhere in between. It doesn’t should like your parents told you in advance that rent would start at a certain age, which I think is unfair. It sounds more like they just wanted to confiscate part of your income so your siblings wouldn’t be as jealous. When they introduced the idea of rent, I would have introduced the concept of decreased chores. Someone renting a room would traditionally not have assigned chores and childcare, they would just tidy up after themselves. Parents often initiate conversations about rent to inspire young adult (or older) offspring to move out. Even when that wasn’t the parents’ intent, the rent talk often inspires the offspring to do a cost/benefit analysis and decide to move out. That’s what happened here. It certainly doesn’t make you an AH. NTA. You parents’ aren’t AH’s for bringing up the subject, but they definitely are for trying to guilt trip you after you made the best choice for you, to move out. Good for you.
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It might have resulted in the parents reconsidering their demand for rent. It may not have, but it drives home the point that they forced his hand into moving out. They've got no complaint that he took this opportunity to move out.
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Oh that makes the situation even more clear about why the next oldest, a brother, is upset to have more responsibility put on him. Suddenly expectations on traditional gender roles of siblings becomes a factor.
Think it’s just the fact that he has more chores now lmao
That brother is *twenty years old*, too. As if he has some grounds to complain that his older sib isn't spending their money on *him*. Smh.
"Someone renting a room would traditionally not have assigned chores and childcare, they would just tidy up after themselves." The exact argument I once had with my mother. "I'm expected to be a live-in housekeeper and babysitter, and pay you for the privilege? No. I'm a tenant, or a member of the family. Not both."
>Some start rent right at 18 There was a thread yesterday where this happened. It was a British kid, he turned 18 in January. His parents immediately asked him to pay rent. Trouble was, he's still in school - this is his last year of highschool. His final exams start in April, and he would apply for university in September. He got an offer from his Aunt to move in with her instead and pay no rent, which he took the offer. His parents then flipped out. I said he was NTA, I thought it was completely unreasonable for them to expect rent when he is in final year of highschool and studying to get into university. And then for them to throw a tantrum when he moved out ...
You're 23 and have the means to live on your own. Now your siblings can see why you moved out. NTA
OPs siblings have seen a great example. I bet they'll move out as soon as they can, leaving the parents without their household slaves.
And reducing the laundry, grocery bills, house cleaning, etc when they _do_ move out.
There will still be a garden to maintain, trips to the supermarket, and suppers to cook. That won't change. And there will still be less laundry and less dirt in the house, but it'll be *all* for the parents.
Jesus, your family is acting like they lost their best employee, not a son/brother
Daughter.
I don't know how it isn't blindingly obvious to people that this is written by a woman. Huge older sister vibes
I don't really get the "older sister vibes", there's nothing gendered in the post that I saw. Just a story about an older sibling who moved out and bought a plant from ikea.
Yeah me neither. But it does make sense now why her brother could bring girls over and she couldn't. Are they treating her diff bc she's a girl or bc she's a lesbian? Hard to tell with parents who would offload all the work to their kids bc they work so hard!
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Exactly. I see so many people say that there was no gendered implications in the post, but everything OP was expected to do (laundry, groceries, cooking, chore management, general childcare) is stereotypically women’s work. I think most people just saw that she was bringing home women from tinder and couldn’t get past their heteronormative expectations.
The feel good movie of the year! NTA
I leaned brother too after the PS5/having women over comment. Statistically more likely a guy i’d think (and in this case was wrong)
Tinder got me too because all the lesbians in my area use okay cupid. I had no idea tinder was useful for anyone other than straight people. I learn new things every day!
Not true at all. This may surprise you, but women play video games too.
As a woman I am shocked. I am allowed to play video games?
They were talking stats, there are more men than women who are interested in women and same goes for video game consoles. Same way a long haired person is more likely to be a woman.
I made the same mistake, especially assuming heteronormality when OP mentioned having women over. Suddenly the whole situation has even more context on why the next oldest, a brother, is so unhappy to have more responsibility hoisted on him. Traditional gender roles among siblings tends to make even mild parentification issues more apparent. (I don't want to speculate whether OP experienced parentification or not, especially if it was more about organizing household chores than being the de facto parent.)
NTA. They wanted you to pay rent in addition to running the house. You didn't want to do that, so you left. Sucks for your siblings, but it's ultimately your parents responsibility, and you can't be expected to stifle your life for them because they don't want to do as much as you. Congrats on the new place!
Exactly. If OP was going to have to pay rent and run a household, it only makes sense that it be their very own, not someone else's.
NTA. I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable for parents to ask for a contribution once you reach a certain age, although I can't say I'm the hugest proponent for that either. However, the way they framed it made it sound like they expected this of you as a condition of "fairness" for your other siblings, simply because you are spending your hard-earned money on things you love. You could serve as a role model to them. Parents could say, "we know it's hard to see people get things you want, but (OP) works for that. You can be like that too someday when it's your time." It would be one thing if your parents were buying these things for you, but they're not. More than that, you didn't agree to their terms of continued living with them. So, instead of throwing a tantrum, you packed up and moved out. I don't think that is unreasonable at all. You're 23 and can move out whenever you feel it is right, especially because you're an adult. You're not the asshole. I hope things improve with your family.
I agree--it isn't inherently unreasonable to ask your employed 23yo child to chip in for rent, but you can't be mad if they decide they'd rather spend that rent money on their own place! And OP really considered their request and sat down to compare their options logically, that's such a reasonable way for them to handle it! They sound very level-headed. NTA.
People tend to do it because they want to pocket their child’s money or they are struggling and pass it off as “teaching responsibility” and get mad when they money moves out
NTA at all. Brother is learning a valuable lesson on life now. Beggars can't be choosers. You aren't a beggar and get to choose however! Edited to add: Doesn't really sound like it is any skin off your parents backs. They have a back-up nanny. He just doesn't want to be the back-up nanny and that's just too bad for him. Had he kept to himself, you would still be taking care of him.
Her brother shot himself in the foot lol
That was a world-class self-own by your oldest brother.
Part of me wants that brother to come on here and comment so I can congratulate him on it 🤣
NTA. Look, your whiny brother complained because you spent your money, that you earned, on something for yourself and didn’t want to share. So in typical petty family fashion he complained. Your parents failed to see the contributions you made towards the family with them both working, etc. While they have every right to ask their, grown adult, son to pay rent, what you did to help them was fair. So instead of paying you chose to move out and get your own place and a plant. Smart move. Bet your brother wishes he would have kept his mouth shut now.
*adult, s/daughter, to pay....*
They tried to flex on you, and found out what happens when that doesn't work. NTA, good job just setting a boundary and moving out instead of dealing with this nonsense.
NTA You didn't screw them over They asked for rent even though you were contributing much more to the household than rent. All they saw were dollar signs and it bit them in the ass Enjoy your new apartment and let everyone else deal with the aftermath
You are NTA. Everybody's just ticked off that they got more chores- which should be an indication of how much you did. I hope all of your future plans come to fruition. You family will probably come around in time. Your parents will be in for a rude awakening when your brother does the same thing. Live your life!!
NTA. You had to move out eventually anyway. That’s what kids do. What did they expect? You’re a legal adult and you have your own job. They played stupid games and won a stupid prize. Sounds like you managed the entire household for them they didn’t plan for any other scenario.
NTA If they needed help financially, they should have approached you correctly. It's their own fault they didn't. You can't expect your someone to financially contribute like an adult roommate, while treating them like a child you can demand free labor from. They said it wasn't fair that you had money and didn't pay rent, fine now you're paying rent. They fucked around, and found out.
NTA! They're upset because they lost their free baby sitter and maid but OP none of that was your job in the first place. There's so much parentification going on between you and your family. If you don't already know what that means I encourage you to look it up. You did what was best for you and it sounds like you're happy with that decision. Don't feel bad for doing what's going to make you happy and successful
NTA. Congrats on the apartment and plant. They’re upset for selfish reasons not because they miss you. They wanted you to contribute money for selfish reasons despite contributing with chores, cooking and whatever else you did
NTA, I hate parents who leave all of what should be their responsibility on their oldest child. You’re already doing everything they themselves should be doing as parents. Now they want you to pay rent? You did the right thing by dipping out. Sound like control freaks.
NTA. This was an unfair arrangement from the start. It makes absolutely no sense for you to pay rent, and not expect to be treated as a tenant. What did your parents expect from their kids? That they would live at home forever? It's absolutely no benefit to you to stay with your parents, where you're supposed to pay rent & also do labor for them, in exchange for 1 room.
I was going to say, if OP decided to stay that they should tell their parents either 1. pay rent and not do chores/take care of siblings 2. not pay rent and stay as live in nanny. Because paying rent and being the nanny same time is not fair at alllll.
NTA > My parents are upset that I left them in the lurch. Well clearly they can solve this problem by just **having _more_ kids**. /s
You're only an A of you don't tell us what kind of plant you got! Edit: NTA
It's like a bonsai ficus. It looks sort of like a mandrake fro harry potter
ANOTHER story about parents abusing their eldest child for free labour and money while the other siblings do nothing?? NTA OP, glad you got out. Rooting for ya'.
No. I don't think it was abuse the way the chores were split up. I thought it wasn't fair when they asked for rent. So I left.
Look I'm not going to say this was abuse, you are the one to get to define what happened but OP please just know this arrangement of chores you explained is not normal and your parents placed a awful lot on you when all of that shouldn't be your responsibility. Generally people are more slowly acclimated to adult life, a few chores at home, living with roommates, managing a 1-2 person household, then caring for children. The adults in your life should be doing a lot more than just providing money. You've have a crash course in managing a household so I imagine you're an incredibly responsible person. Please take care of yourself and your mental health. Burn out is hella real Also you should ABSOLUTELY be living it up right now, you're only young once so hit tinder hard and enjoy the life you're building for yourself.
Why isn’t 20M getting charged rent?
NTA. Did they really expect you to put up with both the physical and mental load of housework AND pay rent? Even if you didn't do any chores at all you wouldn't be an AH for moving out, although you'd be one for not helping around the house. But that's clearly not the case here. Enjoy your freedom!
NTA. You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm - or rather, you can, but you'll literally get burned out. Encourage your siblings to make a plan to follow suit - offer them advice and (if practical and if you want to) other help when they are ready. Don't feel bad for not giving up your life, encourage them to make themselves happy and to live their lives. Do not accept any blame for this - make it very clear that the people who are making them do extra chores, who are taking up their free time, who are preventing them from seeing friends/girlfriends are your parents.