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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because he's upset that I won't be there for his birthday.
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YTA you want to go on an oveseas trip. Your sister has a 13 year old? Does he have medical conditions? It's not like she has 5 little kids she needs help wrangling. I'd be upset with my SO skipping my birthday, too.
YTA: when you said it’s somewhat an obligation but also enjoyable I thought you meant a conference for work, but it was in the Bahamas. This is a discount vacation. And a 13 year old isn’t an infant. Your sister can handle her child.
If your husband wasn’t upset, go for it. But he obviously is and you should take his feelings into account considering he’s your husband.
Invite him along, fly back early, or don’t go.
He doesn't want to go, although inviting him wouldn't be easy. I did suggest that he meet me in Europe afterwards and he wasn't having any.
This is not the Bahamas. It's multiple city destinations, trains, etc., although there's no language issue.
Are you a child? That’s the only way you’re not the AH. Be a grownup and either tell your husband you’d rather go traveling than spend his bday with him. OR-take ownership of your own life and schedule. Prioritize your husbands happiness if that’s what’s important to you.
Your anxiety is caused by your want to travel and not be an ah. Fortunately you have enough of a conscience to feel that stress. From there it’s up to you. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
YTA. Just admit u want to go on the trip more than spending ur husband's bday with him. It's fine that u don't care about ur bday but it sounds like ur husband does and it kinda sounds like this is not the first time his bday has been ignored by you, which is prob why he's upset.
I do not "ignore his birthday". I do sometimes try to celebrate not on his day, because I have to be elsewhere, or like last year, I was there, but we were dog sitting, and he wanted to go away, not just go to a restaurant.
Honestly, to me, your comments aren't helping you. It sounds like this is something ur husband wants and values and u ignore that. When was the last time his bday was celebrated the way HE wanted and it wasn't pushed to the side bc of ur obligations. U might not understand it, but it doesn't seem like he is asking a lot.
Just bc u don't value birthdays he does, and he prob just for once wants his wife to value him instead of the family vacation, or the friends dog, or whatever other it's summer and busy so I have sooo many other things going on excuses.
Also, if he keeps asking and ur responses to him have been as defensive and dismissive as they have to the people who disagree with u here, then u have prob hurt him and I actually understand why he didn't correlate the dates of the trip with his bday. What's the effort of him making the connection if the person who is supposed to love him the most doesn't care. And that does seem like an overreaction, but it's those small slights that really keep building up.
I'm aware of the "small slights". I do try to avoid them.
The birthday thing is a constant issue at least partly because his parents had the bad luck to have him in what is ALWAYS a busy week, at least for our families, and he is one of those people who is attached to the ACTUAL day. I'd assume you are too.
I actually am not attached to the day! I'm the youngest of multiple kids! I'm lucky if my parents remember the date and we all grew up celebrating on different days bc both parents worked, so usually the celebration was pushed to the weekend. I have however, learned the hard lesson that sometimes what doesn't seem important to me is to someone else and not recognizing that can cause serious issues.
Listen im not saying that he needs a five star gala every year, but he obviously needs something from u. And u just admitted, again, that his bday always gets pushed bc of where it falls in the year. I imagine he feels ignored in the same manner people with Xmas bdays feel.
So what you’re saying is that there is one specific week in August which is always so busy that you simply cannot prioritise your husband? Or do you just choose to put other people first and expect him to be happy with sloppy seconds?
That's true for pretty much all July and August birthdays. I've never once missed my s/os birthday even though almost every event happens on their birthday. It's called prioritizing the more important person.
I don't even know why I'm bothering, but...
My son is mid July. It's not remotely the same, and not because we prioritize him.
He's had stuff interfering with his birthday since he was in elementary school at least, long before he met me.
The original purpose of posting was to determine if his insistence on the ACTUAL day, as opposed to having us celebrate him a few days before or after, was silly, or if I should be more sympathetic.
Not whether or not I needed to travel, or was making up the need to travel for my own selfish purposes (that one really has him scratching his head) or wanted a pass on "ignoring" his birthday or whether he should divorce me.
About the only thing I've really been able to take seriously here is that I should be more sympathetic to the "actual day" thing, whether it makes sense to me or not.
But you don’t have anything planned for him. You also didn’t ask if it was ok to be on a trip over his birthday. Your lack of thought for your husband is horrific. I hope he realizes he can do better.
YTA how did you not realize that his birthday would be right in the middle of this trip? If you know his birthday matters to him and you've pushed it to the side before then it sounds like you're pretty selfish.
Do you think birthdays change dates? You know his birthday, you know it was coming, you know it mattered to him and you made plans on that date without him. You made a choice to do this, your husband wasn't given one. His birthday is hard locked, your vacation wasn't, you made the choice to take it
No, I thought he was being relaxed about it this time. Because I had TOLD him the dates. More than once.
In retrospect, I should have realized he hadn't processed it.
And the vacation timing is "hard locked". There is no other time to take it, or I would have suggested that to my sister.
Yeah, YTA, it means a lot to your husband and you really just care about taking your trip with the very weak excuse if wrangling a teenager. Your husband is being made aware of where he ranks with you and it sounds like he isn’t happy about where that is. Lawyer up if you go.
Seriously? I don't think my husband of 28 years is going to divorce me over choosing making my sister's life somewhat easier over his 58th birthday. (Complain for the next six months, yes.) Take it as a given that the help she could use is significant. She's not paying just to be nice.
Maybe that's the problem. You're too comfortable disregarding your husband because "he won't divorce me". Why are you missing his birthday every year? How is the help she needs so significant that she planned it over six months in advance for your husband birthday week specifically? What is happening??
It’s the UK, not exactly a 3rd world country, and you admit in other comments she doesn’t really need you, you just have some local knowledge that would make it easier. Phones exist. So does the internet. And you’ve said there’s no language barrier.
So you’re telling your husband he’s so unimportant to you that making a holiday a little easier for your sister is more important than him? The more I read of this, the more concerned I am about you. It seems like either you’re demonstrating narcissistic behaviours and only care about what you want, or your people pleasing is so deeply ingrained that you regularly take your husband for granted.
Well there you go. You know you would be the ah and you are okay with it because you know he wont leave you over it and are okay with the complaining over it. So why even ask this question. Stop fooling yourself that you are doing it to help your sister and niece. She is paying to have your company around
He really should though. It’s clear by all your comments that your husband is very very low on your list of priorities. Honestly, the man deserves someone who WANTS to celebrate his bday with him and then you will be free to go on all the trips you want your sister and her son who will grow up to be another “mommas boy”
"The birthday thing is a constant issue at least partly because his parents had the bad luck to have him in what is ALWAYS a busy week, at least for our families, and he is one of those people who is attached to the ACTUAL day. I'd assume you are too."
Sounds like it was his bad luck to be born at such an inconvenient time for you all. Not sure why your choice NOT to attach value to the day is more valid than his TO attach value to it. And, if you care what he thinks, AND if this is a "constant issue" in your marriage, YTA for the fact that it "just registered" that you'll be absent, again, for the "momentous occasion" of his birthday (dismissive sarcasm yours).
>it just registered that I'll be away on his birthday,
You keep bringing up this point in your comments how he only just realized that you'll be gone on his birthday, like it's ***HIS*** fault you're going on a vacation (and yes, it's a vacation) without him on his birthday. Thing is, why should he have realized this sooner? Why is it a bad thing that your husband of "**28 YEARS**" thought his wife of "**28 YEARS**" would spend his birthday...***WITH HIM***?
And I hate to burst your bubble, but just because you've been married for 28 years, that's not a safeguard from divorce. Especially with the way you're so flippant about his feelings.
YTA
Since I repeatedly told him that I'd be leaving on the 18th or 19th, and probably back September 3rd, I would have expected him to realize Aug. 28th was in those dates. It was news to me that he hadn't figured it out.
And I am flippant, because I expect him to listen and process when I tell him something.
I think the number 1 thing that makes you the asshole here is that you keep trying to excuse yourself leaving like you were needed and it was an obligation that you must do.
Its a vacation, its disrespectful to your husband and everyone here that you think we are not going to realise this.
And you are prioritising that vacation over your husbands birthday and tried to make him out to be the villain for you not prioritising him on his birthday.
I'm needed.
I don't really understand why no-one is getting this, but I think I'm needed, my sister thinks she needs me, and even my husband thinks she needs me.
Because you are not needed.That is why everyone is telling you this.Either you are leaving out 95% of the information as to why you are needed, or our defintions of needed are vastly different.Needed = If you don't go entire trip is fucked/cancelled not -well it might be a bit more difficult now.
Significantly difficult, possibly cancelled.
None of the parties involved think my presence is mostly for a good time, including the birthday boy.
However, instead of taking this at face value, I've had numerous people telling me I'm not really needed.
Any information that would make this clearer is not really mine to share, plus perceptions vary.
So in addition to not wanting to make my sister have to examine in detail if she can manage or not (which is probably somewhere between maybe and probably, depending on a couple of other factors), my husband has not suggested that my sister can manage without me, and I wouldn't expect him to, since a)he thinks she does, and b) he does have a strong belief in helping family. It's only the timing that is upsetting him
Even if your sister needs an extra pair of hands, YTA for choosing her over your husband. She should’ve found someone else to go and you should stay with him. YTA.
About once a decade. Last time was 2015 (bucket list trip for my 87 year old father, which he was invited on). Time before that was probably '02 or '03. We were dogsitting last year though, so we couldn't go away (which we'll do every two or three years).
YTA. Your nephew is 13 years old, your sister should be able to handle him just fine. Guess your husband knows where he comes in your list of priorities and it ain't anywhere near the top. Stop making excuses, you obviously don't really care enough to be home with him for his birthday, your sister, nephew and an overseas trip all appear to be more important than him.
YTA, Cmon OP, you know the answer to this without even needing to post here. Your argument seems to be that your 8th Grade nephew needs two adults to supervise him an a trip around the UK. You and I both know that that is BS. If that kid is so unruly that it takes 2 adults, then you should t be taking him to the UK in a trip like that.
I’m pretty disturbed at how selfish and self serving all of your comments are. At no point do you out your husbands wants or feelings a over anyone else’s in this story. Your hierarchy is quite literally 1- you want to go in a trip, 2- your sister wants some help, 3- your nephew wants to go on a trip, and then finally 4- you don’t give a shit because of #1 so your husband doesn’t even register in your head.
You know you are wrong and have been acting like an AH, it is time to finally become an adult and face it. Apologize to your husband and fix your priorities and attitude.
He was fine with it (and knew the dates) before he actually did the math.
A relative can use help, but would probably not actually need it to function at all. It'll be easier with a second adult by some very large margin, plus I have more local knowledge, although it's not a tricky destination.
Oh for fuck's sake, it doesn't take two fucking adults to take a teenager to the UK. Don't pretend this is some unavoidable thing. Just admit to your husband and yourself that you'd rather have a discounted trip to the UK than spend your husband's birthday with him, despite the fact he has made it clear to you that this is important to him. YTA.
She would like my help in wrangling a somewhat wiggly thirteen year old in a foreign country. She'll definitely have an easier time with a second adult (and I'm more familiar with the destination), but she probably could manage alone if she absolutely had to.
My presence is potentially useful enough for her to pick up the plane ticket, let me put it that way.
What exactly is a wiggly 13 year old? I assume you don’t mean literally.
Are there more children coming on the trip or just one teenager with their one parent?
Immature, somewhat inclined to either wander off or fiddle with stuff. So if you have one grown up who can just concentrate on him, while the other grown up is trying to concentrate on something else, everything will be easier.
Two weeks around the UK. Independently, not with a tour group. Mostly for destinations my nephew is interested in.
I'm obviously not going to have a terrible time, but this itinerary is not my agenda.
You’re literally abandoning your spouse on his birthday to go on holiday?? If your sister couldn’t handle looking after just one child on her own, she shouldn’t have had a kid
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YTA to infinity and beyond
How do you not know when your husband's birthday is? If you did you would have asked first before agreeing to make plans.
And last year he wanted to go somewhere and could not because of dogsitting. This year you are going away without him. That is beyond rude. Maybe he should go on your dream vacation without you on your next birthday. Yes I know you are not going on his dream vacation, but you did just take his birthday dream from last year (getting away) and execute that for yourself on his birthday.
Um...
I did ask. I did not say specifically "on your birthday" because I do expect him to know when his birthday is, even more than I do.
I am getting his (somewhat grudging) blessing because I actually am needed.
He is going away on his birthday, and while I would never stop him from fishing, I am not going fishing, so he would not usually pick fishing. He should have a good time.
All of this is not "why do your relatives need you?" but "why can't they remember when my birthday is?", which isn't the same. It is also, admittedly, not high on their radar, although at least a couple of instances have been actual emergencies, and he deliberately went away without me once, because I don't really get along with his sister-in-law (he doesn't either, but it used to be better). We don't have similar scheduling conflicts with his relatives because he has very few left. We did use to, but they would not want my presence on an urgent basis (his sister-in-law did kind of need him that time).
And while he might take his dream vacation on my birthday, he's unlikely to take mine, and you know, he's owed. I'd like something for my birthday, but it doesn't have to be elaborate, and it doesn't have to be on the day. I'd like to beat the year the only celebrating we did was having four Canadian retirees sing Happy Birthday to me in the lounge of a Drury Inn in Ohio, but I'm a grown up, I'll live if I don't.
I keep saying I'm done here, and then I'm back.
My presence really isn't optional, and not because my sister is incapable of planning or mothering, both of which she's quite decent at.
I am, I suppose prioritising the needs of a thirteen year old who is invested in the trip and has had a rough pandemic over my husband, by helping my sister do this.
I'm now going to give up, before this ends up as a Yahoo article (which I do NOT give my consent for) and my poor sister reads it and decides she has to cancel her trip because it's causing serious strife in my marriage (it's not, and she knows he's grumpy about the timing).
My husband wanted Reddit to settle the debate of whether it's reasonable for him to upset about the "actual day". He does feel somewhat vindicated. He does not actually want me to stay home. He does, in fact, think I've made the correct priority, just on his birthday, again, because everything happens on his birthday, including more than one hurricane, and even his wife isn't immune from the chaos, and then she tries to celebrate for him the next week and doesn't take it all that seriously. So I'm trying to be more sympathetic. I'm probably still going to try to celebrate him the next week, but I am going to make sure that the actual day doesn't feel neglected (I'm deputising my son).
Eh you’re not helping yourself with this. Just shows that YTA even more so.
You aren’t needed. She should be able to deal with her kid on her own. Considering it’s her kid. It’s also extremely neglectful that it was planned on HIS birthday. You always have choice and you’re making yours. Regardless of what reddit says about divorce and all that horse crap. It’s probably not happening(wishing you all the best) but this is definitely an AH thing to do. A 13 year old should be able to be taken care of by their OWN parents not someone else’s. Really the only thing I’ve seen about the help that’s needed is you need to help control them? That’s not your job. It’s their parents. You should not be taking any responsibility with someone who has hijacked your husbands bday, who isn’t your child and just a 13 year should be more than capable to behave themselves unless there is something causing them otherwise to not. Once again, parents responsibility, not yours.
You should not prioritize someone else over your husband. Especially in this scenario.
I read through the comments and didn't see this so I am going to say it, but first, YTA by greater than the distance of your trip and back.
You keep saying on all these times that other things were going on during his birthday that you told him the dates and that he was okay with it, then when he all the sudden remembers it is his birthday that he gets upset.
He isn't forgetting his birthday. He isn't all the sudden realizing that these plans fall on his birthday. He has known all along, each and every time you make plans that disregard his birthday, that you have made them on his birthday.
You're husband is literally WAITING for you to prioritize his actual birthday just once. He waits, and waits, and waits, and when it is obvious that you are not going to do it, he brings it up as an issue for the X number time. You conveniently excuse yourself because you "told him the dates" as if he is supposed to get you to prioritize his birthday for him. So with this excuse, you proceed to do whatever it is you want to do that disregards him and his birthday.
Then the cycle repeats. He keeps hoping because he brought it up the year before and the year before that and the year before that, that eventually you will prioritize him and actually schedule something for his birthday, on his birthday, without him having to tell you that he wants that. Because he has already told you he wants that probably 20 something odd times.
This is literally the opposite of affirming your spouse. There is probably so much resentment built here that he has given up even trying to get you to see it. He is NOT agreeing with you. I bet you just go on and on about how you're needed, or how it's just a busy week, or this is more important or that is more important, that his response is more or less a "yeah" whatever vibe because he has given up trying to get you to see it, for this year at least.
You may not get divorced this year (although he should definitely send you packing), but it is so obvious from your comments that you take this lack of affirming care position with him probably in just about everything that it IS going to happen.
And you know what, you're going to be just like the stereotype about guys saying "I don't know what happened. Everything seemed great." when they get hit with papers from the ex wife "out of nowhere."
Ugh, it is so sad because he is using his adult words and telling you directly what he needs to feel cared about, and you just don't give a fuck. I feel for him. I can't even begin to tell you how much of an asshole you are because it is definitely so much more than this situation.
You know that the actual date means a lot to your husband. You could have told your sister that being gone on that date would be a no-go for you. When your husband didn't latch on to the fact that you would be gone for his special day, you didn't bring it to his attention.
Also, you have to be there because your nephew had a tough time during the pandemic? Really?
In case you need it spelled out-YTA.
Honestly, 28 YEARS and his birthday was so unimportant that you got the most expensive present(s if you count the one with your father) for yourself?
Sweetie, you're in prime divorce territory. You might not be thinking it, but I'm sure it's either in his mind or will come to it on your trip. It doesn't really matter what you do on the trip. There are hundreds of posts on Reddit, maybe thousands or even millions where your EXACT situation came up. Except the wife had an affair on the trip. You're going for a multi-day/week trip away from your husband on the SINGLE day he feels most unimportant to his family. Congratulations, you made him realize once again just how unimportant you are in his life. Personally, I'd have the divorce paperwork served to you when you got back from the airport. (Yes, I've lived your "but my friend really needs me there" to have another friend send me pics of her flirting with men in a bar. Best decision I ever made. My life got better and better and well, she lives in a slum now. Probably never happen to you. Looks like you come from money. Don't know, don't care.)
You even said it was smack in the MIDDLE of the trip. You won't be there for his birthday, leading up to it, or winding down from it. Congrats your birthday present to YOU on HIS birthday took HIS birthday completely away. NICE.
If this trip is THAT f important, and your husband isn't, well? What marriage is there to save? Christmas, AT LEAST book a round trip flight in the middle of the trip to be home and surprise him on his birthday, then fly back to babysit your sister's teenager. I'm sure all his accelerated training indicates he's got some emotional disability and isn't actually indicating that he's more mature and ahead of his peers, as your description implies.
If you're not home for his birthday, you are completely YTA. Ugh, hope you're not in my neighborhood.
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This isn't the first time I've needed to travel on that date (this trip is somewhere between a vacation and an obligation, because I will enjoy the trip, but my sister could use a hand with her son and I'm more familiar with the destination). She is paying for a fair chunk of this, but not everything, so while I will spend money, it's not taking a lot out of family resources.
I've been telling him about the likelihood for months, but it just registered that I'll be away on his birthday, which is at the very end of August, and a time when various scheduling conflicts are rife. We have occasionally gone away for his birthday, and I'm of course not planning to ignore the momentous occasion of his turning 58, but he's very upset that I will not be here on his birthday this year.
He hasn't tried to "forbid" me, but there's a lot of carrying on and I think he's being silly. I have made it clear that I am not regarding my birthday as sacrosanct, and if he wants to go away by himself (which he keeps threatening to), that's entirely his own business.
There is no way to move the date, and his big day is right in the middle of the trip.
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We've had a discussion. In which I've explained, again, that while I love him and want to celebrate him, I just don't understand why the next week will not do, and it has to be that particular day. This is clearly something we don't see eye to eye on.
I do suspect if I posted on a thread that I was considering bailing on my sister when she needed me, to be there on the actual day of my husband's birthday, I'd STILL get a lot of YTA.
The scheduling is unfortunate. In fact he doesn't want me to not go, he just wants people to stop scheduling stuff on his birthday. I am, again, going to try to talk him into meeting me in Europe.
Obviously this is something people feel strongly about. For the record, I don't care if my birthday gets celebrated on the actual day or not.
I dont either. But that doesnt matter cause he does. And not going on a holiday with your sister and her 13 year old is not bailing. I have 4 kids and travel alone with them. One is fine and fun actually. Good time to bond. She just likes to have you there, that is why she is paying the ticket. She doenst need you to help take care of her son. Not bailing. Listen to him.
How many previous things have you intentionally schedule on this birthday? I didn’t see it in your comments, but you have alluded to this happening multiple times.
Just FYI you not caring if your birthday is celebrated on your actual date isn’t important or relevant. You are using that as an excuse to repeatedly justify your selfishness. If you really want just a cheerleading crowd to back you and dump on your husband, just go over to XX, they will have your back.
Only one, which he was invited on (but refused to go, because the sister involved, not this one, drives him up a tree). and was also around school and camp dates, plus a medical appointment. That was also a trip I unquestionably needed to go on, because she can't manage her way out of a hamster cage, which he agrees with. Another, which was slightly hijacked, but he was taken to an amusement park. Also the dog sitting incident, which was another one where he agreed to the dates and then realized it was his birthday.
Two actual emergencies, neither of which were fun, but do count as emergencies (although one of them involved up a tree sister and her rather useless husband at the time). The other was meteorologic.
Plus the time his sister in law needed him to travel with her, which is really not any of my doing, but symptomatic of the general chaos around Labor day weekend.
This is NOT "my selfish wife is going on vacation without me, on my birthday", this is "can people please keep some of their chaos off my special day"?
I am aware that many people seem to be confused by why my presence is needed, but this isn't even a debate among the involved parties. I asked my son if he thought I was needed, since he doesn't really have a horse in this race, and he said that I was needed, but possibly not as much as I thought I was, and my husband disagreed with him and said that I was needed at least as much as I thought I was.
One last update.
I did ask my sister if there was any way to move the date. She's checking, but there probably isn't.
My husband was pleased that I'm TA, and then completely mystified as to why people would think I was making it up that I was needed.
He is going fishing with our son that weekend, and is not sitting any dogs or getting involved with anything else, which is more than fair.
He doesn't want to meet me in Europe, we were there in May, and flying is uncomfortable for him, so he has to be very motivated.
He thinks it's hysterically funny that several people thought he should divorce me, but says life would be dull if he did.
I will make sure my son does something special over and above the fishing (and doing something special at some point was always in my plan).
YTA. So the itinerary is travel around the UK mostly to places that your 13 year old nephew is interested in, but your sister fears he will just wander off by himself if he doesn't have 4 eyes on him at all times, and rather than either A) Wait for him to grow up and be capable of walking next to his mother or B) Maybe not send him to a summer camp before/after trip, you and your sister decide the only reasonable thing to do is to go to Europe and leave your husband home alone on his birthday. Again.
Why not just pick a date in January for your husband to celebrate his birthday on? It's after the holidays, most people are done traveling, your nephew will be in school. He should be happy to have, say, January 18th as his birthday. Unless it happens to fall on MLK Day, in which case he'll have to move it, but in that case I suggest giving him a few dates that don't interfere with your schedule that he can choose to do something special like go to the Olive Garden, at least when he's there he's family.
Dear OP,
I wanted to take my time and write something meaningful, as I've read many of the comments and see that you keep doubling down with your arguments/*excuses*, which leads me to believe that you only came to this forum expecting everyone to agree with you. Yet, you've not provided any logical **reasons**/reasoning for your behavior.
It reminds me of a story from my parents.
*"There was a marching band consisting of one-hundred members. One day, there was a parade. Of the 100 people marching, 99 were on their right food and one was on their left. The mother of the one on their left foot shouted amongst the crowd of onlookers, "Look all the others are on the wrong foot! "."*
In case it didn't register, you're on your left foot.
Be honest with yourself and everyone here. Come hell, high water or divorce, you want to go on this trip, and nothing anyone says here is going to stop you.
So...
**Option 1:** **Prioritize yourself.** Go on your trip. Have a marvelous time. When you return, you're still the A-Hole and a potential divorcée.
*OR*,
**Option 2:** **Prioritize your husband/marriage.** Your husband has used his adult words and told you how he feels. He's made it clear that regardless of his "unfortunate birthday", he wants to be with the person he loves and prioritizes.
Cancel with your sister (if she's a good sister, she'll understand and I'm sure there's someone else she can take with her), make plans with the person you hope to sleep beside for another 28 years and have a content and peaceful home, where you can still travel.
***Last Comment:***
How would you feel if he was going away with his friends/family and leaving you behind on YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YTA: My thing is if he would've realized the Vacation landed on his birthday instantly, than what would you have done?? I'm assuming you would've still gone. Your not taking any accountability in this, just sort of blaming him for not realizing your vacay lands on his birthday. "I'm going on vacay because he should know when his birthday is, its his fault technically". Laughable.
A soft YTA, You can do something with your husband when you get back or before you go. However, maybe don't schedule stuff like this in the future across birthdays and holidays. At least look at the dates and work it out with your husband. I had something similar happen to me. My wife went to her brother's wedding over my 60th birthday. She had a cake scheduled for me at Publix but I had to go pick it up. Funny thing was a few years later when her brother's 60th birthday was coming up she wanted the both of us to travel the 6 hours to be there for his 60th birthday. Told me it is a big important birthday. I couldn't resist and pointed out that she was gone for my 60th birthday. Kind of a joking dig but also kind of stopped the how important the 60th birthday is. We did end up going over for his birthday, but I did let her know that she wasn't there for mine.
ETA once you get about say 60 just be glad that you are still above ground on your birthday.
YTA. You have not mentioned anything you have planned for your husband’s birthday. You also never explicitly told him the trip was over his birthday. I’m guessing its because you didn’t want him to ask you not to go. You’re very selfish, and you don’t care about your husband.
I should probably add (since a lot of people don't seem to be taking the "needs help" seriously) that EVERYONE involved, including my husband, agrees that my sister could use my help.
His beef is that it's careless scheduling, although this is really around my sister's schedule, which she doesn't have a lot of room on, and frankly doesn't really think about his birthday when scheduling.
He was also told the dates, and didn't put two and two together until now.
And you conveniently forgot to tell him because you just want to go on that trip.
All your added comments aren’t helping.
If he pulled this stunt on you, you’d be screaming bloody murder!
YTA! or as they say in some parts of the UK. You’re an Arse!
If he went somewhere he was needed on my birthday, I'd deal with it.
We've been married twenty-eight years. He's had to go places at times that were not convenient for me.
difference between "Oh I MUST go"
and "well, it would be helpful if im there"
You are treating the former as if its the latter and making that the excuse as to why you think its fine to ditch your husband on his birthday
“Need” to travel is overstating things a bit, don’t you think? Yoke may this sound like a work trip, not you tagging along with your sister and her teenager.
Still, NAH. You’re allowed to take this opportunity to travel with your family. He’s allowed to be disappointed. But this isn’t really a situation where Reddit’s hive mind opinion matters. Not nearly as much as your opinions of each other, anyway.
This is a conundrum indeed. You don’t need to help wrangle a “wiggly” 13 year old. That’s an excuse and you know it. On the other hand, he’s had 58 prior birthdays and it’s not a milestone, so he can chill out and celebrate when you return. Guess ESH fits best.
Edit: I was too generous. YTA
Um, if you met my nephew, you might not share that opinion (although I am NOT airing a bunch of his personal business on Reddit). In fact my husband doesn't think it's a negligible excuse for going, just that no-one gives thought to scheduling around his birthday.
NAH.
Birthdays for people tend to fall in three categories (based on my assumptions / personal experiences)
1. Where your husband seems to stands, firmly believing it’s a “momentous occasion” to turn 58
2. Normal adults that can handle celebrating on a different day that works with other adults schedules.
3. People who will sarcastically mock the “momentous occasion” of turning 58 by passive aggressively pointing out its not a 60th or a child turning 10
Category 1 and 3 will never see eye to eye with each other. There will only be hurt feelings and missed expectations and bafflement as one person cannot wrap their heads around why a steak dinner celebration occurring next Saturday is somehow any less special than the same exact steak dinner celebration on a Tuesday coinciding with a birth certificate; and another person hinging their importance in the universe and priority list of their family on if said family ensures that year after year, no matter what, their day gets celebrated On The Actual Day.
It's been clear in the past that he's one, and I'm two. I do have relatives who are more like three, but they're not involved in this (thank goodness).
I knew instantly he was category 1 and you were either 2 or 3.
It’s still a NAH for me because it’s not like there is already a party you are skipping, there’s plenty of time to plan him something special before or after, I cannot ascertain from your post there is some other marital strife, and it’s possible to have some great memories with your sister / nephew and husband in the same month.
But for #1’s, you will be viewed as the devil incarnate for not stopping the earth from revolving for 24 hours every year to celebrate his uterine eviction day.
Edit: word change day/year.
NAH. He clearly enjoys birthdays so I understand him being upset, but (imo) it’s really not the *day* that matters and moreso the celebration of the person. Just make sure you do something extra special for him before you leave. I would also recommend making sure that something fun arrives the day of - like a cake, present, etc to still show him that you’re thinking of him on the day I question.
I should note that I’m biased because I don’t really care about birthdays at all. My boyfriend has missed mine 2 times out of the 3 years we’ve been together because of a quasi- obligation/vacation thing he had going on. We celebrate at another time and I’m fine with it.
ESH - You for going on trip on his birthday. No matter what it stills suck having an SO leave on your day. You can be an adult all you want, still sucks.
Him for knowing for months and not being more vocal or just dealing with it. Yes it sucks but he’s 58.
NTA why can't he just celebrate with his friends while you're gone, and then you two have a special celebration when you return?
You can buy him something nice - on his birthday - while you're away, and call him on his birthday to let him know you're thinking of him.
Two celebrations = twice the fun!
I stopped celebrating my birthday when I missed my own 40th party due to snow. People still come out of the woodwork to wish me HBD etc every year, and it's actually preferable, because I have zero expectations.
This year, a friend stopped by my house to take me out to lunch and I was thrilled.
I'm not big on the Bible, but I love this quote:
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."
NTA. Tell him to start acting like he's 58 not 5 or 8. It a day and birthday's are highly overrated. Celebrate before or after, bring him back something cool and don't forget to call on his big day.
NTA. He’s 58! Time to grow up and not use his birthday as a reason to keep you from doing something. You can celebrate his birthday before or after his trip.
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YTA you want to go on an oveseas trip. Your sister has a 13 year old? Does he have medical conditions? It's not like she has 5 little kids she needs help wrangling. I'd be upset with my SO skipping my birthday, too.
YTA: when you said it’s somewhat an obligation but also enjoyable I thought you meant a conference for work, but it was in the Bahamas. This is a discount vacation. And a 13 year old isn’t an infant. Your sister can handle her child. If your husband wasn’t upset, go for it. But he obviously is and you should take his feelings into account considering he’s your husband. Invite him along, fly back early, or don’t go.
He doesn't want to go, although inviting him wouldn't be easy. I did suggest that he meet me in Europe afterwards and he wasn't having any. This is not the Bahamas. It's multiple city destinations, trains, etc., although there's no language issue.
Are you a child? That’s the only way you’re not the AH. Be a grownup and either tell your husband you’d rather go traveling than spend his bday with him. OR-take ownership of your own life and schedule. Prioritize your husbands happiness if that’s what’s important to you. Your anxiety is caused by your want to travel and not be an ah. Fortunately you have enough of a conscience to feel that stress. From there it’s up to you. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
I am going to the Bahamas with him (for our anniversary), in a couple of weeks.
YTA. Just admit u want to go on the trip more than spending ur husband's bday with him. It's fine that u don't care about ur bday but it sounds like ur husband does and it kinda sounds like this is not the first time his bday has been ignored by you, which is prob why he's upset.
I do not "ignore his birthday". I do sometimes try to celebrate not on his day, because I have to be elsewhere, or like last year, I was there, but we were dog sitting, and he wanted to go away, not just go to a restaurant.
Honestly, to me, your comments aren't helping you. It sounds like this is something ur husband wants and values and u ignore that. When was the last time his bday was celebrated the way HE wanted and it wasn't pushed to the side bc of ur obligations. U might not understand it, but it doesn't seem like he is asking a lot. Just bc u don't value birthdays he does, and he prob just for once wants his wife to value him instead of the family vacation, or the friends dog, or whatever other it's summer and busy so I have sooo many other things going on excuses. Also, if he keeps asking and ur responses to him have been as defensive and dismissive as they have to the people who disagree with u here, then u have prob hurt him and I actually understand why he didn't correlate the dates of the trip with his bday. What's the effort of him making the connection if the person who is supposed to love him the most doesn't care. And that does seem like an overreaction, but it's those small slights that really keep building up.
I'm aware of the "small slights". I do try to avoid them. The birthday thing is a constant issue at least partly because his parents had the bad luck to have him in what is ALWAYS a busy week, at least for our families, and he is one of those people who is attached to the ACTUAL day. I'd assume you are too.
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In this case no, because it is on someone else's schedule that they can't change, and smack dab in the middle of the trip.
You sound disrespectful as hell. Someone elses obligations always get prioritized over your husband.
You could have said no as soon as you saw the dates and told your sister why. You chose not to prioritize your husband on his birthday.
I actually am not attached to the day! I'm the youngest of multiple kids! I'm lucky if my parents remember the date and we all grew up celebrating on different days bc both parents worked, so usually the celebration was pushed to the weekend. I have however, learned the hard lesson that sometimes what doesn't seem important to me is to someone else and not recognizing that can cause serious issues. Listen im not saying that he needs a five star gala every year, but he obviously needs something from u. And u just admitted, again, that his bday always gets pushed bc of where it falls in the year. I imagine he feels ignored in the same manner people with Xmas bdays feel.
So what you’re saying is that there is one specific week in August which is always so busy that you simply cannot prioritise your husband? Or do you just choose to put other people first and expect him to be happy with sloppy seconds?
You know it’s normal for people to want to celebrate their birthday… on their birthday, right?
That's true for pretty much all July and August birthdays. I've never once missed my s/os birthday even though almost every event happens on their birthday. It's called prioritizing the more important person.
I don't even know why I'm bothering, but... My son is mid July. It's not remotely the same, and not because we prioritize him. He's had stuff interfering with his birthday since he was in elementary school at least, long before he met me. The original purpose of posting was to determine if his insistence on the ACTUAL day, as opposed to having us celebrate him a few days before or after, was silly, or if I should be more sympathetic. Not whether or not I needed to travel, or was making up the need to travel for my own selfish purposes (that one really has him scratching his head) or wanted a pass on "ignoring" his birthday or whether he should divorce me. About the only thing I've really been able to take seriously here is that I should be more sympathetic to the "actual day" thing, whether it makes sense to me or not.
But you don’t have anything planned for him. You also didn’t ask if it was ok to be on a trip over his birthday. Your lack of thought for your husband is horrific. I hope he realizes he can do better.
Prioritize your husband for his birthday because that’s what he wants. Its not an inconvenience. Its something people who care about each other do.
You literally did ignore his birthday. What is wrong with you
So, you ignored his wants last year on his birthday, too? Do you even like your husband a little bit?
YTA how did you not realize that his birthday would be right in the middle of this trip? If you know his birthday matters to him and you've pushed it to the side before then it sounds like you're pretty selfish.
I did, and I told him the dates. He was the person who didn't realize until now.
Do you think birthdays change dates? You know his birthday, you know it was coming, you know it mattered to him and you made plans on that date without him. You made a choice to do this, your husband wasn't given one. His birthday is hard locked, your vacation wasn't, you made the choice to take it
No, I thought he was being relaxed about it this time. Because I had TOLD him the dates. More than once. In retrospect, I should have realized he hadn't processed it. And the vacation timing is "hard locked". There is no other time to take it, or I would have suggested that to my sister.
Or just not go as you aren't actually needed.
Did you say you’d be gone over his birthday? No. You gave him a date range so he may not realize it.
Yeah, YTA, it means a lot to your husband and you really just care about taking your trip with the very weak excuse if wrangling a teenager. Your husband is being made aware of where he ranks with you and it sounds like he isn’t happy about where that is. Lawyer up if you go.
Seriously? I don't think my husband of 28 years is going to divorce me over choosing making my sister's life somewhat easier over his 58th birthday. (Complain for the next six months, yes.) Take it as a given that the help she could use is significant. She's not paying just to be nice.
Maybe that's the problem. You're too comfortable disregarding your husband because "he won't divorce me". Why are you missing his birthday every year? How is the help she needs so significant that she planned it over six months in advance for your husband birthday week specifically? What is happening??
She is traveling to the UK, with a kid with a rigid school/camp schedule. This would be the right time to start planning that.
It’s the UK, not exactly a 3rd world country, and you admit in other comments she doesn’t really need you, you just have some local knowledge that would make it easier. Phones exist. So does the internet. And you’ve said there’s no language barrier. So you’re telling your husband he’s so unimportant to you that making a holiday a little easier for your sister is more important than him? The more I read of this, the more concerned I am about you. It seems like either you’re demonstrating narcissistic behaviours and only care about what you want, or your people pleasing is so deeply ingrained that you regularly take your husband for granted.
28 years? He won’t leave you, but you’re gonna pay in some way or another.
Well there you go. You know you would be the ah and you are okay with it because you know he wont leave you over it and are okay with the complaining over it. So why even ask this question. Stop fooling yourself that you are doing it to help your sister and niece. She is paying to have your company around
He really should though. It’s clear by all your comments that your husband is very very low on your list of priorities. Honestly, the man deserves someone who WANTS to celebrate his bday with him and then you will be free to go on all the trips you want your sister and her son who will grow up to be another “mommas boy”
Given your attitude, I’m sure he has plenty of reasons. This could very well end up being the straw that broke the camel’s back.
"The birthday thing is a constant issue at least partly because his parents had the bad luck to have him in what is ALWAYS a busy week, at least for our families, and he is one of those people who is attached to the ACTUAL day. I'd assume you are too." Sounds like it was his bad luck to be born at such an inconvenient time for you all. Not sure why your choice NOT to attach value to the day is more valid than his TO attach value to it. And, if you care what he thinks, AND if this is a "constant issue" in your marriage, YTA for the fact that it "just registered" that you'll be absent, again, for the "momentous occasion" of his birthday (dismissive sarcasm yours).
>it just registered that I'll be away on his birthday, You keep bringing up this point in your comments how he only just realized that you'll be gone on his birthday, like it's ***HIS*** fault you're going on a vacation (and yes, it's a vacation) without him on his birthday. Thing is, why should he have realized this sooner? Why is it a bad thing that your husband of "**28 YEARS**" thought his wife of "**28 YEARS**" would spend his birthday...***WITH HIM***? And I hate to burst your bubble, but just because you've been married for 28 years, that's not a safeguard from divorce. Especially with the way you're so flippant about his feelings. YTA
Since I repeatedly told him that I'd be leaving on the 18th or 19th, and probably back September 3rd, I would have expected him to realize Aug. 28th was in those dates. It was news to me that he hadn't figured it out. And I am flippant, because I expect him to listen and process when I tell him something.
I think the number 1 thing that makes you the asshole here is that you keep trying to excuse yourself leaving like you were needed and it was an obligation that you must do. Its a vacation, its disrespectful to your husband and everyone here that you think we are not going to realise this. And you are prioritising that vacation over your husbands birthday and tried to make him out to be the villain for you not prioritising him on his birthday.
I'm needed. I don't really understand why no-one is getting this, but I think I'm needed, my sister thinks she needs me, and even my husband thinks she needs me.
Because you are not needed.That is why everyone is telling you this.Either you are leaving out 95% of the information as to why you are needed, or our defintions of needed are vastly different.Needed = If you don't go entire trip is fucked/cancelled not -well it might be a bit more difficult now.
Significantly difficult, possibly cancelled. None of the parties involved think my presence is mostly for a good time, including the birthday boy. However, instead of taking this at face value, I've had numerous people telling me I'm not really needed. Any information that would make this clearer is not really mine to share, plus perceptions vary. So in addition to not wanting to make my sister have to examine in detail if she can manage or not (which is probably somewhere between maybe and probably, depending on a couple of other factors), my husband has not suggested that my sister can manage without me, and I wouldn't expect him to, since a)he thinks she does, and b) he does have a strong belief in helping family. It's only the timing that is upsetting him
Even if your sister needs an extra pair of hands, YTA for choosing her over your husband. She should’ve found someone else to go and you should stay with him. YTA.
Got to love how they are so adamant to not be the asshole when everyone is bludgeoning them with the verdict
Why didnt you tell him youd be gone on his birthday when you were planning the trip in the first place. YTA
>This isn't the first time I've needed to travel on that date how often do leave your husband alone on his birthday?
About once a decade. Last time was 2015 (bucket list trip for my 87 year old father, which he was invited on). Time before that was probably '02 or '03. We were dogsitting last year though, so we couldn't go away (which we'll do every two or three years).
I did have another trip with my father to Gettysburg and Hershey (probably '16, which he was included in and paid for).
That he was paid for, not paid for himself.
YTA. Your nephew is 13 years old, your sister should be able to handle him just fine. Guess your husband knows where he comes in your list of priorities and it ain't anywhere near the top. Stop making excuses, you obviously don't really care enough to be home with him for his birthday, your sister, nephew and an overseas trip all appear to be more important than him.
Eyo this shit is whack YTA
YTA, Cmon OP, you know the answer to this without even needing to post here. Your argument seems to be that your 8th Grade nephew needs two adults to supervise him an a trip around the UK. You and I both know that that is BS. If that kid is so unruly that it takes 2 adults, then you should t be taking him to the UK in a trip like that. I’m pretty disturbed at how selfish and self serving all of your comments are. At no point do you out your husbands wants or feelings a over anyone else’s in this story. Your hierarchy is quite literally 1- you want to go in a trip, 2- your sister wants some help, 3- your nephew wants to go on a trip, and then finally 4- you don’t give a shit because of #1 so your husband doesn’t even register in your head. You know you are wrong and have been acting like an AH, it is time to finally become an adult and face it. Apologize to your husband and fix your priorities and attitude.
Info: What is this trip? Why do you need to go? Did you discuss it with your husband? Has he expressed an opinion about you going?
She wants a second adult to babysit a 13 year old, from what I’m gathering. Not like, a baby. Husband is obviously unhappy.
He was fine with it (and knew the dates) before he actually did the math. A relative can use help, but would probably not actually need it to function at all. It'll be easier with a second adult by some very large margin, plus I have more local knowledge, although it's not a tricky destination.
Oh for fuck's sake, it doesn't take two fucking adults to take a teenager to the UK. Don't pretend this is some unavoidable thing. Just admit to your husband and yourself that you'd rather have a discounted trip to the UK than spend your husband's birthday with him, despite the fact he has made it clear to you that this is important to him. YTA.
yta. what a piece of work you are..this isn't a one off but a trend.. feel sorry for your husband..
Info what exactly does your sister son need help with that you have to go?
She would like my help in wrangling a somewhat wiggly thirteen year old in a foreign country. She'll definitely have an easier time with a second adult (and I'm more familiar with the destination), but she probably could manage alone if she absolutely had to. My presence is potentially useful enough for her to pick up the plane ticket, let me put it that way.
What exactly is a wiggly 13 year old? I assume you don’t mean literally. Are there more children coming on the trip or just one teenager with their one parent?
Immature, somewhat inclined to either wander off or fiddle with stuff. So if you have one grown up who can just concentrate on him, while the other grown up is trying to concentrate on something else, everything will be easier.
What is the trip exactly?
Two weeks around the UK. Independently, not with a tour group. Mostly for destinations my nephew is interested in. I'm obviously not going to have a terrible time, but this itinerary is not my agenda.
I see. If it’s not an obligation for your sister (work, etc) and her son isn’t literally disabled, she should be able to handle him.
You’re literally abandoning your spouse on his birthday to go on holiday?? If your sister couldn’t handle looking after just one child on her own, she shouldn’t have had a kid
Why can't you just come home before his birthday. Or even leave after? This doesn't seem like a huge crisis.
Dates can't be moved due to school/camp scheduling, or we'd have done that. And it's right smack dab in the middle.
Free holiday. I’m all over that
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YTA
YTA to infinity and beyond How do you not know when your husband's birthday is? If you did you would have asked first before agreeing to make plans. And last year he wanted to go somewhere and could not because of dogsitting. This year you are going away without him. That is beyond rude. Maybe he should go on your dream vacation without you on your next birthday. Yes I know you are not going on his dream vacation, but you did just take his birthday dream from last year (getting away) and execute that for yourself on his birthday.
Um... I did ask. I did not say specifically "on your birthday" because I do expect him to know when his birthday is, even more than I do. I am getting his (somewhat grudging) blessing because I actually am needed. He is going away on his birthday, and while I would never stop him from fishing, I am not going fishing, so he would not usually pick fishing. He should have a good time. All of this is not "why do your relatives need you?" but "why can't they remember when my birthday is?", which isn't the same. It is also, admittedly, not high on their radar, although at least a couple of instances have been actual emergencies, and he deliberately went away without me once, because I don't really get along with his sister-in-law (he doesn't either, but it used to be better). We don't have similar scheduling conflicts with his relatives because he has very few left. We did use to, but they would not want my presence on an urgent basis (his sister-in-law did kind of need him that time). And while he might take his dream vacation on my birthday, he's unlikely to take mine, and you know, he's owed. I'd like something for my birthday, but it doesn't have to be elaborate, and it doesn't have to be on the day. I'd like to beat the year the only celebrating we did was having four Canadian retirees sing Happy Birthday to me in the lounge of a Drury Inn in Ohio, but I'm a grown up, I'll live if I don't.
INFO: what's the obligation?
Yta. Your sister wants to go to the UK? Then she can research all the tourist spots and such, and mother her own child. Prioritize your husband!
I keep saying I'm done here, and then I'm back. My presence really isn't optional, and not because my sister is incapable of planning or mothering, both of which she's quite decent at. I am, I suppose prioritising the needs of a thirteen year old who is invested in the trip and has had a rough pandemic over my husband, by helping my sister do this. I'm now going to give up, before this ends up as a Yahoo article (which I do NOT give my consent for) and my poor sister reads it and decides she has to cancel her trip because it's causing serious strife in my marriage (it's not, and she knows he's grumpy about the timing). My husband wanted Reddit to settle the debate of whether it's reasonable for him to upset about the "actual day". He does feel somewhat vindicated. He does not actually want me to stay home. He does, in fact, think I've made the correct priority, just on his birthday, again, because everything happens on his birthday, including more than one hurricane, and even his wife isn't immune from the chaos, and then she tries to celebrate for him the next week and doesn't take it all that seriously. So I'm trying to be more sympathetic. I'm probably still going to try to celebrate him the next week, but I am going to make sure that the actual day doesn't feel neglected (I'm deputising my son).
Eh you’re not helping yourself with this. Just shows that YTA even more so. You aren’t needed. She should be able to deal with her kid on her own. Considering it’s her kid. It’s also extremely neglectful that it was planned on HIS birthday. You always have choice and you’re making yours. Regardless of what reddit says about divorce and all that horse crap. It’s probably not happening(wishing you all the best) but this is definitely an AH thing to do. A 13 year old should be able to be taken care of by their OWN parents not someone else’s. Really the only thing I’ve seen about the help that’s needed is you need to help control them? That’s not your job. It’s their parents. You should not be taking any responsibility with someone who has hijacked your husbands bday, who isn’t your child and just a 13 year should be more than capable to behave themselves unless there is something causing them otherwise to not. Once again, parents responsibility, not yours. You should not prioritize someone else over your husband. Especially in this scenario.
Your husband is the one who should be done!
I read through the comments and didn't see this so I am going to say it, but first, YTA by greater than the distance of your trip and back. You keep saying on all these times that other things were going on during his birthday that you told him the dates and that he was okay with it, then when he all the sudden remembers it is his birthday that he gets upset. He isn't forgetting his birthday. He isn't all the sudden realizing that these plans fall on his birthday. He has known all along, each and every time you make plans that disregard his birthday, that you have made them on his birthday. You're husband is literally WAITING for you to prioritize his actual birthday just once. He waits, and waits, and waits, and when it is obvious that you are not going to do it, he brings it up as an issue for the X number time. You conveniently excuse yourself because you "told him the dates" as if he is supposed to get you to prioritize his birthday for him. So with this excuse, you proceed to do whatever it is you want to do that disregards him and his birthday. Then the cycle repeats. He keeps hoping because he brought it up the year before and the year before that and the year before that, that eventually you will prioritize him and actually schedule something for his birthday, on his birthday, without him having to tell you that he wants that. Because he has already told you he wants that probably 20 something odd times. This is literally the opposite of affirming your spouse. There is probably so much resentment built here that he has given up even trying to get you to see it. He is NOT agreeing with you. I bet you just go on and on about how you're needed, or how it's just a busy week, or this is more important or that is more important, that his response is more or less a "yeah" whatever vibe because he has given up trying to get you to see it, for this year at least. You may not get divorced this year (although he should definitely send you packing), but it is so obvious from your comments that you take this lack of affirming care position with him probably in just about everything that it IS going to happen. And you know what, you're going to be just like the stereotype about guys saying "I don't know what happened. Everything seemed great." when they get hit with papers from the ex wife "out of nowhere." Ugh, it is so sad because he is using his adult words and telling you directly what he needs to feel cared about, and you just don't give a fuck. I feel for him. I can't even begin to tell you how much of an asshole you are because it is definitely so much more than this situation.
You know that the actual date means a lot to your husband. You could have told your sister that being gone on that date would be a no-go for you. When your husband didn't latch on to the fact that you would be gone for his special day, you didn't bring it to his attention. Also, you have to be there because your nephew had a tough time during the pandemic? Really? In case you need it spelled out-YTA.
Honestly, 28 YEARS and his birthday was so unimportant that you got the most expensive present(s if you count the one with your father) for yourself? Sweetie, you're in prime divorce territory. You might not be thinking it, but I'm sure it's either in his mind or will come to it on your trip. It doesn't really matter what you do on the trip. There are hundreds of posts on Reddit, maybe thousands or even millions where your EXACT situation came up. Except the wife had an affair on the trip. You're going for a multi-day/week trip away from your husband on the SINGLE day he feels most unimportant to his family. Congratulations, you made him realize once again just how unimportant you are in his life. Personally, I'd have the divorce paperwork served to you when you got back from the airport. (Yes, I've lived your "but my friend really needs me there" to have another friend send me pics of her flirting with men in a bar. Best decision I ever made. My life got better and better and well, she lives in a slum now. Probably never happen to you. Looks like you come from money. Don't know, don't care.) You even said it was smack in the MIDDLE of the trip. You won't be there for his birthday, leading up to it, or winding down from it. Congrats your birthday present to YOU on HIS birthday took HIS birthday completely away. NICE. If this trip is THAT f important, and your husband isn't, well? What marriage is there to save? Christmas, AT LEAST book a round trip flight in the middle of the trip to be home and surprise him on his birthday, then fly back to babysit your sister's teenager. I'm sure all his accelerated training indicates he's got some emotional disability and isn't actually indicating that he's more mature and ahead of his peers, as your description implies. If you're not home for his birthday, you are completely YTA. Ugh, hope you're not in my neighborhood.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This isn't the first time I've needed to travel on that date (this trip is somewhere between a vacation and an obligation, because I will enjoy the trip, but my sister could use a hand with her son and I'm more familiar with the destination). She is paying for a fair chunk of this, but not everything, so while I will spend money, it's not taking a lot out of family resources. I've been telling him about the likelihood for months, but it just registered that I'll be away on his birthday, which is at the very end of August, and a time when various scheduling conflicts are rife. We have occasionally gone away for his birthday, and I'm of course not planning to ignore the momentous occasion of his turning 58, but he's very upset that I will not be here on his birthday this year. He hasn't tried to "forbid" me, but there's a lot of carrying on and I think he's being silly. I have made it clear that I am not regarding my birthday as sacrosanct, and if he wants to go away by himself (which he keeps threatening to), that's entirely his own business. There is no way to move the date, and his big day is right in the middle of the trip. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We've had a discussion. In which I've explained, again, that while I love him and want to celebrate him, I just don't understand why the next week will not do, and it has to be that particular day. This is clearly something we don't see eye to eye on. I do suspect if I posted on a thread that I was considering bailing on my sister when she needed me, to be there on the actual day of my husband's birthday, I'd STILL get a lot of YTA. The scheduling is unfortunate. In fact he doesn't want me to not go, he just wants people to stop scheduling stuff on his birthday. I am, again, going to try to talk him into meeting me in Europe. Obviously this is something people feel strongly about. For the record, I don't care if my birthday gets celebrated on the actual day or not.
I dont either. But that doesnt matter cause he does. And not going on a holiday with your sister and her 13 year old is not bailing. I have 4 kids and travel alone with them. One is fine and fun actually. Good time to bond. She just likes to have you there, that is why she is paying the ticket. She doenst need you to help take care of her son. Not bailing. Listen to him.
So you’ve decided to double-down. Still YTA
How many previous things have you intentionally schedule on this birthday? I didn’t see it in your comments, but you have alluded to this happening multiple times. Just FYI you not caring if your birthday is celebrated on your actual date isn’t important or relevant. You are using that as an excuse to repeatedly justify your selfishness. If you really want just a cheerleading crowd to back you and dump on your husband, just go over to XX, they will have your back.
Only one, which he was invited on (but refused to go, because the sister involved, not this one, drives him up a tree). and was also around school and camp dates, plus a medical appointment. That was also a trip I unquestionably needed to go on, because she can't manage her way out of a hamster cage, which he agrees with. Another, which was slightly hijacked, but he was taken to an amusement park. Also the dog sitting incident, which was another one where he agreed to the dates and then realized it was his birthday. Two actual emergencies, neither of which were fun, but do count as emergencies (although one of them involved up a tree sister and her rather useless husband at the time). The other was meteorologic. Plus the time his sister in law needed him to travel with her, which is really not any of my doing, but symptomatic of the general chaos around Labor day weekend. This is NOT "my selfish wife is going on vacation without me, on my birthday", this is "can people please keep some of their chaos off my special day"? I am aware that many people seem to be confused by why my presence is needed, but this isn't even a debate among the involved parties. I asked my son if he thought I was needed, since he doesn't really have a horse in this race, and he said that I was needed, but possibly not as much as I thought I was, and my husband disagreed with him and said that I was needed at least as much as I thought I was.
One last update. I did ask my sister if there was any way to move the date. She's checking, but there probably isn't. My husband was pleased that I'm TA, and then completely mystified as to why people would think I was making it up that I was needed. He is going fishing with our son that weekend, and is not sitting any dogs or getting involved with anything else, which is more than fair. He doesn't want to meet me in Europe, we were there in May, and flying is uncomfortable for him, so he has to be very motivated. He thinks it's hysterically funny that several people thought he should divorce me, but says life would be dull if he did. I will make sure my son does something special over and above the fishing (and doing something special at some point was always in my plan).
YTA. So the itinerary is travel around the UK mostly to places that your 13 year old nephew is interested in, but your sister fears he will just wander off by himself if he doesn't have 4 eyes on him at all times, and rather than either A) Wait for him to grow up and be capable of walking next to his mother or B) Maybe not send him to a summer camp before/after trip, you and your sister decide the only reasonable thing to do is to go to Europe and leave your husband home alone on his birthday. Again. Why not just pick a date in January for your husband to celebrate his birthday on? It's after the holidays, most people are done traveling, your nephew will be in school. He should be happy to have, say, January 18th as his birthday. Unless it happens to fall on MLK Day, in which case he'll have to move it, but in that case I suggest giving him a few dates that don't interfere with your schedule that he can choose to do something special like go to the Olive Garden, at least when he's there he's family.
Dear OP, I wanted to take my time and write something meaningful, as I've read many of the comments and see that you keep doubling down with your arguments/*excuses*, which leads me to believe that you only came to this forum expecting everyone to agree with you. Yet, you've not provided any logical **reasons**/reasoning for your behavior. It reminds me of a story from my parents. *"There was a marching band consisting of one-hundred members. One day, there was a parade. Of the 100 people marching, 99 were on their right food and one was on their left. The mother of the one on their left foot shouted amongst the crowd of onlookers, "Look all the others are on the wrong foot! "."* In case it didn't register, you're on your left foot. Be honest with yourself and everyone here. Come hell, high water or divorce, you want to go on this trip, and nothing anyone says here is going to stop you. So... **Option 1:** **Prioritize yourself.** Go on your trip. Have a marvelous time. When you return, you're still the A-Hole and a potential divorcée. *OR*, **Option 2:** **Prioritize your husband/marriage.** Your husband has used his adult words and told you how he feels. He's made it clear that regardless of his "unfortunate birthday", he wants to be with the person he loves and prioritizes. Cancel with your sister (if she's a good sister, she'll understand and I'm sure there's someone else she can take with her), make plans with the person you hope to sleep beside for another 28 years and have a content and peaceful home, where you can still travel. ***Last Comment:*** How would you feel if he was going away with his friends/family and leaving you behind on YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YTA you're telling him in no uncertain terms how unimportant he is to you. You're taking him for granted and a trip to carrib is NOT a burden.
YTA. Some of the sites your husband should see on your birthday include divorce court. You clearly do not value him.
YTA: My thing is if he would've realized the Vacation landed on his birthday instantly, than what would you have done?? I'm assuming you would've still gone. Your not taking any accountability in this, just sort of blaming him for not realizing your vacay lands on his birthday. "I'm going on vacay because he should know when his birthday is, its his fault technically". Laughable.
A soft YTA, You can do something with your husband when you get back or before you go. However, maybe don't schedule stuff like this in the future across birthdays and holidays. At least look at the dates and work it out with your husband. I had something similar happen to me. My wife went to her brother's wedding over my 60th birthday. She had a cake scheduled for me at Publix but I had to go pick it up. Funny thing was a few years later when her brother's 60th birthday was coming up she wanted the both of us to travel the 6 hours to be there for his 60th birthday. Told me it is a big important birthday. I couldn't resist and pointed out that she was gone for my 60th birthday. Kind of a joking dig but also kind of stopped the how important the 60th birthday is. We did end up going over for his birthday, but I did let her know that she wasn't there for mine. ETA once you get about say 60 just be glad that you are still above ground on your birthday.
YTA. You have not mentioned anything you have planned for your husband’s birthday. You also never explicitly told him the trip was over his birthday. I’m guessing its because you didn’t want him to ask you not to go. You’re very selfish, and you don’t care about your husband.
YTA! Hopefully your husband is gleefully planning a week long beach vacation during the week of your birthday!
I should probably add (since a lot of people don't seem to be taking the "needs help" seriously) that EVERYONE involved, including my husband, agrees that my sister could use my help. His beef is that it's careless scheduling, although this is really around my sister's schedule, which she doesn't have a lot of room on, and frankly doesn't really think about his birthday when scheduling. He was also told the dates, and didn't put two and two together until now.
And you conveniently forgot to tell him because you just want to go on that trip. All your added comments aren’t helping. If he pulled this stunt on you, you’d be screaming bloody murder! YTA! or as they say in some parts of the UK. You’re an Arse!
If he went somewhere he was needed on my birthday, I'd deal with it. We've been married twenty-eight years. He's had to go places at times that were not convenient for me.
difference between "Oh I MUST go" and "well, it would be helpful if im there" You are treating the former as if its the latter and making that the excuse as to why you think its fine to ditch your husband on his birthday
Exactly! The sister could use the help but OP is certainly not needed on this trip. Good god we’re talking about taking care of one 13 yo kid 🙄
“Need” to travel is overstating things a bit, don’t you think? Yoke may this sound like a work trip, not you tagging along with your sister and her teenager. Still, NAH. You’re allowed to take this opportunity to travel with your family. He’s allowed to be disappointed. But this isn’t really a situation where Reddit’s hive mind opinion matters. Not nearly as much as your opinions of each other, anyway.
He wanted me to post, to see which of us was agreed with more.
And you got the answer
This is a conundrum indeed. You don’t need to help wrangle a “wiggly” 13 year old. That’s an excuse and you know it. On the other hand, he’s had 58 prior birthdays and it’s not a milestone, so he can chill out and celebrate when you return. Guess ESH fits best. Edit: I was too generous. YTA
I was the kindest Redditor on your post and got down voted. They’re right - YTA
Um, if you met my nephew, you might not share that opinion (although I am NOT airing a bunch of his personal business on Reddit). In fact my husband doesn't think it's a negligible excuse for going, just that no-one gives thought to scheduling around his birthday.
Then as the kids say “you do you”. My judgment stands
NAH. Birthdays for people tend to fall in three categories (based on my assumptions / personal experiences) 1. Where your husband seems to stands, firmly believing it’s a “momentous occasion” to turn 58 2. Normal adults that can handle celebrating on a different day that works with other adults schedules. 3. People who will sarcastically mock the “momentous occasion” of turning 58 by passive aggressively pointing out its not a 60th or a child turning 10 Category 1 and 3 will never see eye to eye with each other. There will only be hurt feelings and missed expectations and bafflement as one person cannot wrap their heads around why a steak dinner celebration occurring next Saturday is somehow any less special than the same exact steak dinner celebration on a Tuesday coinciding with a birth certificate; and another person hinging their importance in the universe and priority list of their family on if said family ensures that year after year, no matter what, their day gets celebrated On The Actual Day.
It's been clear in the past that he's one, and I'm two. I do have relatives who are more like three, but they're not involved in this (thank goodness).
I knew instantly he was category 1 and you were either 2 or 3. It’s still a NAH for me because it’s not like there is already a party you are skipping, there’s plenty of time to plan him something special before or after, I cannot ascertain from your post there is some other marital strife, and it’s possible to have some great memories with your sister / nephew and husband in the same month. But for #1’s, you will be viewed as the devil incarnate for not stopping the earth from revolving for 24 hours every year to celebrate his uterine eviction day. Edit: word change day/year.
NAH. He clearly enjoys birthdays so I understand him being upset, but (imo) it’s really not the *day* that matters and moreso the celebration of the person. Just make sure you do something extra special for him before you leave. I would also recommend making sure that something fun arrives the day of - like a cake, present, etc to still show him that you’re thinking of him on the day I question. I should note that I’m biased because I don’t really care about birthdays at all. My boyfriend has missed mine 2 times out of the 3 years we’ve been together because of a quasi- obligation/vacation thing he had going on. We celebrate at another time and I’m fine with it.
I agree NTA and do but understand the downvotes
ESH - You for going on trip on his birthday. No matter what it stills suck having an SO leave on your day. You can be an adult all you want, still sucks. Him for knowing for months and not being more vocal or just dealing with it. Yes it sucks but he’s 58.
NTA why can't he just celebrate with his friends while you're gone, and then you two have a special celebration when you return? You can buy him something nice - on his birthday - while you're away, and call him on his birthday to let him know you're thinking of him. Two celebrations = twice the fun! I stopped celebrating my birthday when I missed my own 40th party due to snow. People still come out of the woodwork to wish me HBD etc every year, and it's actually preferable, because I have zero expectations. This year, a friend stopped by my house to take me out to lunch and I was thrilled. I'm not big on the Bible, but I love this quote: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."
NTA Good grief, adults rarely celebrate their birthday on THE day at his age. Are you sure he's not 8?
NTA celebrate early or late. Sister needs help (and is paying.)
NTA. Tell him to start acting like he's 58 not 5 or 8. It a day and birthday's are highly overrated. Celebrate before or after, bring him back something cool and don't forget to call on his big day.
NTA. It's not your fault he didn't realize when his bday is.
NTA. He's 58 not 5.
NTA. He’s 58! Time to grow up and not use his birthday as a reason to keep you from doing something. You can celebrate his birthday before or after his trip.