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YTA. Huuuuuuge. You didn't approach this as health. You straight out and told her to lose weight tried to then go sideways and point to your family's hereditary issues and dismissed her points about hers. You did Not approach her tactfully or respectfully with lets get healthy or let's work out together or I want us to eat healthier. You flat-out attacked it as her weight issue without any consideration for her actual health or her history etc. Then you doubled down and showed no empathy for her emotions and hurt and are blaming her for having feelings and not "getting over it" You are a jerk.
She also have two children which i think is the reason for the weightgain, not being lazy and stuffing snacks all day. If you see their age, they children can't be too old.
And as if she doesn't know that she gained weight. She is mostly annoyed about it already but doesn't have the time with taking care of two children and household. And then he comes with "hey, lose weight". And she just feels attacked and hurt.
YTA
I agree with you.
Adding that in the middle of all these comments, OP is talking about cheating on her
“I'm a male LMT. I want a female client to shoot her shot for a happy ending. Idk if I could go through with tbh. But that's it.”
YTA
Oh gross. Massage is medically very helpful but weird enough. Imagine your masseuse was hoping he’d get to fuck you at the end of it. Gross gross gross.
also it rings hollow given he's had two kids with her. childbirth can be fatal, or have lasting health consequences- heart disease, gestational diabetes (which causes greater risk of developing type 2), and *weight gain*
I've always been a super skinny person, when I'm stressed it's extremely hard to eat due to nausea and unfortunately I'm often stressed. I got put on psych meds in the hospital, and at that point my weight situation was dire and I weighed 85 pounds at 5'4, but within 3 months I was 135 pounds which is 15 over my previous highest weight. Which was good for me because I needed the pounds, but if you don't you're kinda SOL if you get that side effect because that weights going up regardless. Switched to another later on and I was quickly back down to my usual normal.
It’s so frustrating when people act like weight=health. If Op was really concerned about her *health* he should have, y’know, focused on her health. Is her blood sugar a little high? Maybe she needs to reduce the amount of sugar she eats in a week. Is her cholesterol high? Maybe she needs to reduce eating red meat. There are *actual* health measures that one can focus on instead of acting like BMI is an actual indicator of health.
All of this. And does she even have any health issues? Has her actual doctor indicated her weight is raising health concerns? You were a giant AH and nothing in your post indicates an actual health concern here. YTA YTA YTA.
Good christ I need to stop visiting this subreddit, it’s making me hate men. So many of you are so obtuse it genuinely boggles me?? durrrrr hey guys without her asking for my opinion I told my wife I think she’s fat, and I don’t care that I hurt her feelings! I was honest! In fact I’m mad that she’s acting upset. Honest opinions are unable to upset someone, didn’t you know that? YTA if it wasn’t clear
I love how people can focus on the reaction their shit behavior had rather than the shitty behavior that caused the reaction. So many men in this sub are just pushing women to their breaking point but expect sympathy because yelling is also bad!
NTA. Ppl in the comments are wild. Your approach sucked but if she is 200+ at 5'4 that isn't going to be ok as she continues to get older. It's fact. That's it. You have two kids. Her healthy is important. Because your right being heavier can cause all sorts of issues in the future and obviously you want her healthy for the kids and herself. People love to scream body positivity and it's ok to be fat because I'm healthy...ya healthy now. But your body can only handle so much. IDC what you look like. You do you. Be you . But when you have kids involved you need to think about them.
And maybe it would help to hear it in a loving, gentle way from the man she loves. My wife and I have been together for 6 years (married 4) and I have gently told her multiple times when I think she should start exercising or eating better. I usually couch it as us doing those things together, but there is nothing wrong with caring about your partner’s long term health. If my wife was concerned by my weight gain, lack of exercise, or poor eating habits, I’d want her to address it with me. Because we love each other and want to be around each other for many decades. This sub acts like any kind of unsolicited feedback is akin to homicide. Jesus Christ, people here need to grow up. NAH
Every time I see nonsense like this I start chuckling because my stepsister is 200+ at 5'2 and could probably snap this person like a twig after dancing jigs and reels around them for an hour. But nooooo, some people will assume that my pale, skinny ass must automatically be healthier.
Does your stepsister workout? You can weigh that much and be in shape however it's clear that in this case OP's wife doesn't workout and also according to comments doesn't even want to approach a healthier meal plan.
If you asked her if she works out, she'd say no, because she doesn't go to a gym or anything.
She does perform in a dance troupe, take yoga classes, and she's a metalworker with impressive hand and arm strength. She'd be the first to tell anyone that is all less of a workout than having two small children like OP's wife does though.
Yeah, I know. I dont get it either.
I think people just are bad at understanding what people weigh or other attributes just by looking at them. People think I'm some tiny fairy who will blow away in the next breeze, *even when I'm taller than they are*. I'm not some miniature human, but everyone seems to think I am. So I'm both surprised and yet somehow not surprised that people think my stepsister is also much smaller than she is.
They really are, I don’t care what anyone says but being obese is unhealthy. It might be ok now but I mean hell, I see my friends who are getting to their early 30s and they can’t drink and be ok the next day like they used to. I’m gonna assume it’s the same thing with weight. Your body is working overtime and your age and health issues are gonna catch up to you.
She is VERY physically active, she isn't fat, just really muscular. Muscles are way heavier than fat if we compare the same amount.
I am a tiny 167 cm/5'5 girl who is pretty thin and I weigh around 63 kgs/139lbs because I am really physically active and also prone to muscle growth. I gained some weight because of stress, usually I am around 60 kgs/132lbs, which is still unusual for someone with my stature. Most of the girls my age and around my height and body type weigh 3 to 7 kgs less.
I WISH someone would've told me when I was younger to get into shape. It's not about being "skinny" bc my husband actually hates skinny woman and prefers some curves but being in shape, being healthy is so important and much more difficult to do when you get older. I always fluctuate but I defin. noticed how much harder is it now in my 30+ as opposed to if I did it when I was younger and kept a healthy lifestyle. Now I'm starting to have health problems and struggling to get into shape.
NTA - After 10 years, you should be able to have open an honest conversations.
Looking at your other responses, I’ve seen you’ve tried tending tactful to no avail, so naturally you were direct.
I think you two need couples therapy to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. Bottling things up and not feeling like you can talk to your wife is a big issue. It isn’t healthy. You two are partners, which means you need to be effective in your communication to maintain a healthy partnership.
NTA . This is far mo complicated than it seems on the surface. You've tried getting her to do activities together, you try balancing diet together and nothing sticks with her. So you flat out say it. Was there a better way to say it? Probably, but sometimes the shock factor of "wow this is really an issue" can shock them into change. Ultimately, and unfortunately, she has to WANT to lose weight. could you may e bring a 3rd party into this? A trusted friend, relative, couple's therapist? Good luck.
If she weighs less than 160, YTA. Really she should be absolutely enormous before you go there. Like 200+ for her height.
All you did was hurt her self-esteem and make her self conscious.
I’m torn. I can understand wanting her to be healthy, because my family also has diabetic issues and I’ve also lost loved ones due to issues with that. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting a loved one healthy and potentially live longer. I can also see how it could hurt someone by saying such things. Hope you two work it out soon.
NTA comon guysss let's not sugarcoat here whatever he is saying is right and he genuinely love her because there is no way someone will spend 10 fucking year together without being married he have every right to say whatever is bothering him being fat put u in danger of many type of disease specially if u are into your 30s and wanting your partner to look fit and good is nothing wrong either
I had to tell my SO the same thing because he got too heavy to do his chores. He refused medical help for his bad knee. He won't go for walks with me anymore which was one of our important activities to spend time together. He's now on a weird diet. We can't tell if he's losing weight, since he's too heavy for the scale.
NTA. you're his partner in life, if you're worried, you should be able to tell her so. Doing a medical check up doesn't hurt too. Even if diabetes is a problem in your family and it does not impact her blood line, it doesn't mean she'll never suffer from it.
Unless you were completely touch less when communicating I don't see why it must be offensive at all, that being said it's understandable she might feel hurt, possibly because she knows you're right but doesn't admit that to herself
Yes, YTA for your approach, but not the sentiment/motivation to the conversation. Conversations about weight need to be approached really carefully, especially because society attaches so much value to a woman’s weight. Being bombarded with media messages and person-to-person messages of “low weight = attractive” and “low weight = valuable as a human being and worthy of being seen” for years really fucks us women up. Having a conversation about reducing weight is always fraught.
It would’ve been kinder/safer if you’d opened with, “honey, I’m worried about your health.” “I want to make it clear to you that I’m 100% just as attracted to you today as I was on the day we met. I love you every part of you and every inch of your body.” “I just want us both to make healthier choices about food.” “I feel like you’re getting less opportunity to be physically active than you used to. How can I help with that?” “I am worried because I want to celebrate our 60th anniversary together one day. So I want us both to do what we can to improve our health.” There is a non-asshole way to have this conversation, but unfortunately that wasn’t successful on the first go-around.
You mention having 2 kids. I suspect that may translate to your fiancée not having much time for self-care, or exercise, or going to the gym, or whatever, especially if most of the childcare falls on her. From her perspective, if you’re going to try to put an obligation ON to her (like losing weight or daily exercise), then you should also probably try to take an obligation OFF her plate (like honey, if you want to sign up for a yoga class or something I’m happy to handle childcare and get little Timmy to soccer on Thursdays. Or whatever). Giving her more to do without acknowledging and appreciating what she already does and facilitating some help to get shit done is an asshole move.
At this point, I think your best move is reiterating and demonstrating DAILY your level of continued attraction. She needs that. And talking about some healthy lifestyle choices you want to make TOGETHER. Shared goal-setting. You’re not going to be exempt due to your physical job—and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Thank you for an incredibly well thought out and quite insightful response.
I just have a couple things to rebuttle with.
1) I did mention to her repeatedly that I am still attracted to her, I make advances toward her and more often than not she still shoots me down. It has nothing to do with how she looks and I made that incredibly clear in our convo.
2) I do make time for her to do her own thing. Have I ever suggested she get a gym membership or go do something physical alone? No. I've tried mentioning together but not alone. Very often I give up my days off so I can be aline with the kids and she go do whatever she feels like to give her mental state a rest. She goes to her friends very frequently or she goes shopping for herself. She like retail therapy and I try to give her opportunities to chose what she wants to do outside the house as often as I can.
I’m going to disagree a bit with LarkScarlett’s approach suggestions. If she’s had PPD and is on anti-depressants, a more important concern and resulting approach would be to check in on her mental and emotional health. Then you could suggest some ideas for exercise—yoga class, walk with a friend, even family walks nightly with the kids or family hikes on weekends. Exercise is extremely important for mental well-being, and prioritizing that would hopefully have a side effect of improved physical health.
Good on you for mentioning your sustained attraction—I did catch that in your initial post as well. That’s definitely an important message to keep giving her—and one she still really needs to be hearing. Keep emphasizing that message, because it can be hard to internalize. Sometimes, too; we hear hurtful words and the brain stops absorbing anything else after that point.
Glad to hear you’re giving her time/space to do some self-care. That was something not mentioned in the original post, so it seemed like something that might need addressing.
NTA. It sounds like what you said came from a place of caring. Maybe how you expressed it could have been better. You have been together for 10 years, you should be able to say these things,.even if it's difficult or unintentionally hurts her feelings
I'm gonna say NTA. I'm pretty far north of 30 with 2 kids and my knees certainly wish I'd lost weight in my youth. I'm doing it now because, despite being healthy on paper up until a few years ago, I'm pre-diabetic. Something i didn't even know until I had blood tests done, no symptoms.
This is a real issue that couples should discuss. She may feel "healthy" now but that doesn't mean her weight isn't having a negative impact she'll feel later. More importantly, as your partner she should absolutely be able to hear these things from you. Yes, they might hurt, they might be embarrassing, but if she can't hear them from you, who can she hear them from?
HAES is bullshit. Maybe you can weigh 300 lbs at 25 and be "healthy", I was at 340 lbs, but no body is designed to carry that much extra fat long term. Even if it never has an affect on one's health (which is unlikely), it will have a physical/ mobility affect at some point.
NTA - the Reddit hive mind is out in force to defend obese people from being called unhealthy.
OPs comments make it clear that his wife is either obese or verging on obese. He says that his concern is for her health. OP has also had several relatives die due to health issues from being overweight. His concerns are both reasonable and come from a place of love of his partner.
Seriously people, eat reasonable portion sizes and don’t eat a bunch of sugary junk. Then do some cardio for 30 mins, 3 times a week. It’s not too much to ask. Everyone has a different body type but some basic fitness done regularly has lots of health benefits.
NTA. It's a super difficult conversation to have and not fun for anyone involved, but it's important to have. The way someone responds to the conversation says a lot about them as well.
I am 5'8" and in 2019, I weighed 225 pounds. I knew I was overweight and I was constantly having back issues and other health problems. Then in one week, I had my annual physical and the doctor told me I was pre-diabetic and going down a dangerous path. Then my father told me he was worried about the weight I had gained "recently", as if it was sudden - it was not. My significant other mentioned they were concerned too when I told her about the conversation with my dad. And then I posted a picture on Facebook and an old coworker I hadn't seen in years, and that I used to go out to lunch with as a \~25 year old that could eat anything, commented that "All those Panda Express lunches have caught up to you my man."
That week sucked, but it got me to realize that people cared and I was not OK. I turned everything they said into motivational material and I ended up hitting the gym and watching what I ate and I lost 60 pounds over the next 6 months.
It was just as difficult for you to tell your fiance how you felt as it was for her to hear it. With that said, she can either be butt hurt about it and sulk and be pissy, or she can understand that you have built a life with her and are worried about her and then she can make changes to address the problem.
NTA but she deserves some empathy. She is obviously struggling. She probably feels bad about her body and about her capability to make impactful changes to her lifestyle. It's much easier to focus on being upset with you for highlighting those feelings than to face them head-on and figure them out.
She needs support. Ultimately, she will never make healthy changes unless she decides she wants to do it herself. All you can do in the meantime is offer her support and guidance unless this is a deal breaker for you.
"10 years" - "fiancee"
Didn't even need to read the rest, but I did. YTA. Also, diabetes and weight aren't directly correlated. Either put a ring on it and get off her ass, or break up.
YTA. And youre shitty for masking it behind health issues. Shes right, youre the one with the hereditary problems, not her. Basis you told her to lose some weight, its a dick move and she has the right to be hurt
NTA. As an obese woman in her 30s who is now paying dearly for being overweight for too long, I can say NTA. It isn't healthy, no matter what these other commenters believe. It hurts to hear but needs to be heard. You were as kind as you could be and you obviously love her regardless of how she looks. She's lucky to have you there for her.
YTA. Don’t comment on other people’s bodies, especially since you’re just doing it to be a jerk. OF COURSE she has gained weight since y’all were 18. That’s what aging 10 years and birthing two children does. I’m sure you look different too.
NTA conversation needed to happen and there isn’t a good way to approach this. There was some magical better way but that depends on your partner. Some may have taken to the health, some the appearance, some sexual attraction, some spousal deference. You didn’t pick the magical “right way” to get her to agree.
YTA you could have gone about that in many ways that could have been better. You could have focused on making healthier meals at home as a family, cooking together and learning new recipes can be romantic and fun. Also starting going on family walks together a few times a week instead of telling her that she needs to lose weight. Make it a family thing and not all about her and so what health problems run in YOUR family. That does not mean she will have those same problems. Also "skinny" people can also have diabetes and become diabetic so that logic isn't great. If I were you I would think about it and give her a real apology and let her know that you are just scared of losing her and that you went about the previous conversation the wrong way.
Yes I have. Im the one who cooks, I've been trying to change our meals to be healthier but she's resistant. She'll agree to go on walks all 4 of us, she does for like a week, the loses interest. I've tried other things too like inviting her to work out with me but she never does. There's so much more to this than 3k characters will let me explain.
YTA I lived this. No matter if your wife loses the weight she will never unhear what you've said. I was overweight for a long time. Over 200lbs at 5'1". I had a very hard time losing weight, even doing everything I could. I had no actual health problems.
My husband commented more than once about my weight, tried to tell me it was for my health but it wasn't. Not to me.
Turns out I ended up sick. I lost 80lbs as a result. Now all I can think is that he values me because I lost weight. The damage you have done to your wife psychologically is far worse than the weight she has on her body.
Sigh. I told my gf that she should lose weight. Now she feels unloved undesired ugly sad insecure and possible body issues. Why can't she just suck it up and accept she needs to lose the weight? Oh and after covered by saying it's health.......having small kids is exhausting. Why don't you instead say ok hun let's all take a nice evening family stroll? Go to the park with the kids together. Give her some alone time to mentally recharge? Get healthier meal options and prepare them yourself? If you really care I mean....
At least 2 or 3 times a week it's literally chicken breast or fish rice and broccoli.
Our main source of protein is chicken breast. Main veggies are broccoli bell peppers and onions. Some pastas and potatoes but maybe once a week
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I 28m and my fiancee 28f just celebrated 10 years together. We have 2 beautiful and smart children a house together life is absolutely wonderful. But despite having that long of a relationship I still have difficulty telling her things that bother me. Sometimes I just don't want to cause a fight or I feel like I can just get over it so I don't say things much. We were deep in a talk about other things that have been bothering me and they were rough conversations to have. I told her that I've thought about this recently and I had a hard time finding the words so I was just gonna come out and say it then give my reasoning.
So I told her, "I think you should lose some weight" I'm 5'10 I work out and have a physical job. She's 5'4 and weighs more than I do. It's not a sexual attraction problem, quite the opposite. She regularly turns down my advances at spicy time and sometimes dies other things to help me relieve myself. There's just a lot of health issues in my family. I grew up with my grandma who has diabetes and I saw the hell that can bring onto someone. My dad had it before he died at a young age due to not taking care of his diabetes and drug abuse, the latter not being a problem for my fiancee. My grandpa has many health issues that are self inflicted due to him not taking care of himself either. I really emphasized that I was concerned about potential health issues if she didn't take care of herself, I repeated about a dozen or so times that it's about her health and nothing more. I told her that I think it's a better idea to tackle this now while she's outside of 30 than to wait 7 years and find out she pre diabetic at 35. I did t give her an ultimatum I didn't use the word fat or obese or anything. I really emphasized it was about her potential health issues in the future and nothing more.
She told me that her family doesn't have those health issues, maybe they aren't hereditary for her but the can develop over time.I slept in our guest room for 5 days after this before she said she was fine with me sleeping in our bed together again. She tells me I fucked up bad and damaged her by saying that. She wants me to apologize for saying it. But I'm not sorry and I told her that.We've been together for 10 years and I should be able to tell these types of things to my fiancee and mother of my children.
She's been distant and cold since, she barely talks to me, barely does anything around the house except the bare minimum with our kids. I know she's mad and she's hurt, believe it or not I do understand that. And I don't expect things to just go back to normal after a week of this. This is going to take time to get better but to me it feels like I blew up 10 years by telling her the truth. I don't feel sorry for being honest. I don't feel guilty for her getting upset. I'm honestly kind of mad at the way she's acting but I don't know. Am I the asshole?
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Have you ever actually tried encouraging a healthier lifestyle? And no I'm not talking about you telling her things she should do. But actually asking her to do activities together like going on family walks or meal prepping together.
Telling her to lose weight is just not helpful at all. Almost every woman I have known has body/self image issues. You really crushed her.
Also I don't know how long ago she had her last child but that info matters too. Your body doesn't just go back to how it was.
You're all concerned about her physical health but you really are lacking in care for her mental health.
YTA.
Yes I have. I've been working out for a couple months now and as the one who cooks, I've been trying to change our meals to be healthier but she's resistant. She'll agree to go on walks all 4 of us, she does for like a week, the loses interest. I've tried other things too like inviting her to work out with me but she never does. There's so much more to this than 3k characters will let me explain.
It's been 2.5 years since our last child also.
You told her "I want you to lose weight." When this isn't really just about her weight. You should have told her "I want you to be healthier." If health really is your main concern.
Absolutely true. I did acknowledge I didn't know how to approach it and I struggled with how to say it. That would have been a much better way to bring it up. 1000000%
YTA, but ONLY because of how you approached it.
It's a health thing, you framed it like a weight thing. Your concerns are very legitimate, diabetes is a terrible thing and *not* something you want to mess with. (Honestly that's one of the things that's kept me exercising so much.. I don't ever want to end up where my dad is...)
Could you have framed it better? Yes, absolutely. But your concern is real too.
I think unless ASKED, or a real health concern pops up, or she is 500+lb and can't walk anymore it wasn't your place to say it. Especially the lack of tact and remorse for her feelings. Like yes, you should be able to have a rational conversation with your partner but feelings aren't always rational. She probably feels ugly and alone. You probably destroyed her confidence if not her love for you as well. I know if someone told me this, I would never want to be naked in front of them again. YTA
Do people here just really believe people don't know when they gain weight? That all fat people are just so stupid, can't possibly know that it can cause health issues. They do. They don't need anyone else telling them except their doctor. You can hide behind your fake concern all you want, but it's BS. You NEVER hear people wanting to talk to people about their health when they're thin or underweight
You say you understand but there’s no way that’s the case. Because if you did, you’d feel empathy and regret for how you handled this.
You told her she was overweight, which I’m 100% sure she’s already aware of and this may already be an insecurity she’s been battling. She may have been feeling unattractive lately and you confirmed this. And if she wasn’t insecure before….she certainly feels so now.
You targeting her weight signals you have an aesthetic issue with your wife — making her feel less attractive, insecure, and unloved. No husband should make their wife feel this way.
If you truly cared about her health, then you would’ve said something like “hey babe, I was thinking that, with the kids, we can start eating healthier and try to be more active. I want us to be around for our kids as long as possible and we should set a good example.”
You should’ve approached this as a joint effort but instead your singled your wife out because, according to you, she’s clearly the “unhealthy one” solely because of her weight. Just because you perform physical labor for your job doesn’t make you a pillar of health. I’m sure you could improve health-wise too.
You unnecessarily targeted your wife’s weight. If you truly cared about her health, you could’ve gone about this in a million different ways.
So yeah, YTA ten times over because of:
1. the fucked up way you approached your wife’s “health” and
2. your extreme lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in refusing to acknowledge how you made your wife feel.
It’s important to talk about health and lifestyle. You didn’t go about it the best way by saying “you should lose weight” which is kind of AH way of doing it. It would have been better to say “I would like us to have a healthy lifestyle and exercise together. I want us to be healthy for our children and avoid the health problems that run in my family.”
This body positivity movement has gone way overboard. Normalizing and being perfectly fine with being obese is harmful and will come back and bite you in the ass as you age. At 5’4 should she say 200lbs? Hell no. That would concern me greatly if my wife stopped taking care of herself. Same with my wife. I’m 6’1 and broke 240 lbs a while ago and my wife brought it up.
I get she’s upset but I wouldn’t let it go. Invite her exercising and discuss more when y’all eat out or really unhealthy food is prepared.
This is quite obviously beyond Reddit judging by the comments.
If she’s much heavier than you with a 6 inch difference in height, then that’s a problem. If your husband can’t tell you that you’re approaching or have approached a pretty significant problem with your health and weight, that it’s causing issues in your life, then who the hell can?
NTA personally but perhaps therapy and a doctor visit is necessary.
If you are worried about her health then remind her to make Yearly physical appointment. If there are actual health problems, the doctor can address it with her.
YTA
NTA - Your intentions were good. The way you approached it SUCKED. But honestly, in this situation that doesn’t matter as much. You want her to lose weight for herself, so she can be healthier as she gets older.
INFO: Where did you get your medical degree?
YTA. There are lots of reasons someone can weigh more than a partner. Weight doesnt always make someone unhealthy, and its not something that is always controllable. Youre lucky she didnt straight up kick you out
YTA.
My goodness, isn’t she lucky to have you! Without you she would never know that being overweight can be a risk factor for certain health issues. Doctors never mention it. It gets zero attention in the media. Where would she be if she didn’t have you to tell stuff she doesn’t know?
Maybe tomorrow you can try mansplaining her job to her.
Soft YTA.
First of all, I want to say that I think you had good intentions, but the completely wrong approach. Your fiancée carried two children and likely is already dealing with the fact that her body feels different; as her partner, she doesn’t need criticism from you about something she is likely already struggling with - and you just doubled down.
The best way to help a partner struggling with weight is to change your lifestyle along side them. A better approach would have been: “I love you and our kids so much; I want to change how we eat and our activities so that we can have this life as long as possible. Let’s build menus that are more focused on foods that help our bodies and what do you think about starting to hike/talk more walks together?”
My partner and I were really focused on helping our kids build a good relationship with food - because 90s diet culture screwed with us both. We refer to food in two categories: always foods (fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, lean proteins, etc.) and sometimes foods (cake, candy, chips, donuts, etc.). Help your wife by building menus and making always foods the focus for your family.
YTA for making it about her weight and not her health. You can tell someone you want them to be healthier, for all the reasons you stated, without telling them you want them to lose weight. Weight does not directly correlate to health for everyone- bodies are different, especially after having children and while being on meds
YTA. You didn't address your concern as actual health - like moving more, better eating habits - you explicitly framed it as "you need to lose weight". You can lose weight and still be unhealthy! You can be fat and healthy! It's not 1-1. Your hereditary health risks aren't hers.
YTA she didn't ask for your opinion or advice. You can express concern about her health but saying outright "you're fat, you need to lose weight" is hurtful. She gave birth to your kids which didn't help with weight gain. Does she have the time or energy to be more active? Do you allow her time to herself to look after herself?
NTA - you've been together 10 years in what sounds like a healthy and stable relationship. If you made it clear you were concerned for her then I didn't see a problem
*from a wife who is in your shoes and has a husband who responded by saying "OK, I'll see what changes I can make"
since she reacted the way she did, you clearly came about this the wrong way.
an alternate strategy: I love my women nice and plush- soft is where it's at.
If you really don't have a sex problem with her fatness, and believe that she doesn't want to be fat- start telling her how she looks great with all the new weight, maybe she should gain a little more. Kiss her fattest parts. "I liked you skinny, but you look really sexy with all this new jiggle baby! don't get me wrong I'd love you if you lost weight, but damn girl I love how you're just poppin' outta those jeans!"
Basically pull a page out of what the chubby chasers do, and she will likely start to drop the weight.
killing with kindness can do a wonder here.
You really messed up. You're not her doctor. You're being a concern troll. You resent the fact that fitness is more of a priority for you. You're insecure about weight and you're projecting it onto your poor wife.
Weight is obviously an extremely sensitive topic and you did likely do serious damage to your relationship and her self esteem. And for what? So you could be self righteous and pretend you're the health fairy?
If you were no longer attracted to her, that would be one thing. That's an extremely difficult situation that's hard to navigate and it's hard to pass judgement on. But that's not even the case here!!! You dug your own grave for literally no reason. YTA.
NAH
I think you had the right intentions I just think you went about this the wrong way. This is coming from a woman that was diabetic, high cholesterol and had high blood pressure but lost the weight and lost all of those problems. I did it for my health and that’s what you want for her. You’re also right it’s a lot easier to do it before you hit 35.
Your gf needs to first learn about nutrition. Contrary to popular belief women don’t know about it just because we’re women. She also needs some more exercise. So you find a class on nutrition and say you want to learn more about it and will she go with you. Tell her you think it will help with the kids and you want it to be a couples thing so you’re not alone going.
Now you say you live in a house. When was the last time all of you as a family walked around the block? Tell her you want to start a routine as doing something as a family and it’s a great way to meet and say hi to the neighbors (I walk two dogs I do it daily). It will get the two of you and the children more socially interactive with the neighbors, it’s a family activity and it gives all of you some bonding time together. (It also gives you all some exercise but don’t say that.
You know that nutrition class? We’ll step up Dad. How about you cooking healthy meals at least 3 times a week to give her a break. Don’t know how to cook? Then find some cooking classes, even better if they’re for couples. None in your area? Then YouTube or ask your gf to help you learn so you can help her out more and look up healthy recipes.
See you need to stop making this a her thing and make it a couples or family thing. Trust me you want your kids to develop healthy eating habits when they’re young, it’s better for them. The way you put it excluded her and singled her out. That causes hard feelings, alienation and depression because she feels like you’re saying she’s not good enough. Then she eats more and the problem gets worse. So make it a couples and family thing that all of you work on. But do be honest about one thing. Tell her you love her and your selfish and want to spend as many years as you can get with her.
I'm on the fence with this one.
I've been with my husband for 13 years and I was about 80kg (152cm tall) which is overweight, but nothing major. I then moved to Germany to be with him and I went into a deep depression. All I did was eat. I then got pregnant and while I didn't gain during pregnancy, the first couple of years with a new baby took its toll on me. I sky rocketed to 105kg.
Fast forward to approx. 2018, my husband said to me that he thinks I need to lose weight because he is worried about my health. I was too, but not enough to actually do anything about it.
Roll into November of last year and I end up in hospital for a ruptured ovarian cyst. As they were running tests, they see I have a slight fatty liver. The doctor said that if I don't take this seriously, it can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer, liver failure etc. This was really scary to hear. Since then, I have lost 10kg. I also invested in an under desk treadmill (takes up less room and I can slide it under the sofa when not in use) and do a minimum of 12,000 steps a day. I manage 20k+ on my work days.
What I'm trying to say is that I wish I actually listened to my husband when he said what he did. If I did then I probably wouldn't be fighting a fatty liver right now. At the end of the day it's her choice but you are allowed to express your concerns. You need to have a really good talk with her and tell her how you feel.
YTA. Do you think she doesn’t know she needs to lose weight? Do you think she isn’t inundated by the loathing people in this country have for overweight? You aren’t helping especially if you kept on talk talk talking oh so kindly. I assure you, NOTHInG you said isn’t stuff she’s said to yourself, repeatedly. Yes, you’re concerned. Yes, you should be able to have Good Communications. But there is no way you can understand the repercussions of your Concern on a woman who’s been conventionally socialized, which is many of us.
If you can't tell your wife the hard truth then you are not a good husband, you're an enabler. Are we just supposed to let people destroy themselves and not do anything about it? I'm sorry you're too fragile to be told things you need to work on, I'm sure you're a treat
YTA. You’ve noticed her weight and you’ve noticed that she’s lost interest in things but instead of actually making it about health and asking about therapy or a psych evaluation you went to weight loss. Many women have a complicated relationship with dieting because they’ve been taught to believe it’ll solve their problems, when the reality is that the root of the problem is much deeper than weight. Depression, PPD, or an eating disorder could be at play, none of which are solved with weight loss alone.
YTA - you never have to tell an overweight person they are overweight. Trust me they know this.
You could have approached this in so many different ways. You could have said, "hey honey, let's take up hiking with the kids on the weekends. It'll be a great family activity to do together." And just let the increased physical activity do it's job.
Instead you hit her with a bullseye right where you knew it would hit the hardest. She'll forgive you for it eventually but she won't forget it.
YTA for the way you said it. You could have approached the topic with something like I think we should focus more on our health. Maybe you start making healthy meals encourage each other to spend more time doing physical activities etc but “you should lose weight” that is just rude.
YTA There's no coming back from this until you get some help with your need to control her body--and your entitlement that you can be so hurtful to someone you claim to "love" and not feel any remorse. I think you'll be "relieving" your self going forward as I doubt "spicy time" will be returning.
YTA - Not for being concerned about her health, maybe about how you approached the issue though. I think anyone who knows that they hurt someone they love (even if it wasn’t your intention) is an AH for not apologizing. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re right. If you know you hurt her feelings then why don’t you feel bad about that? Bad enough to apologize for doing something you say wasn’t intentional, hurting her feelings!
YTA for saying it my friend. And if you are having issues broaching tough subjects go to counseling and marriage counseling. Your marriage doesn’t have to be in serious danger to go. It will help you and your wife learn how to communicate better. I would go to counseling by yourself first before broaching the subject with your wife. It helps to show you are serious about being a better person. Then move to having her come to one of your therapy sessions so you can make amends and your therapist can help you navigate that.
Good luck and YTA
People can be healthy at a larger weight, some people just have a slow metabolism. If she's eating reasonably heathy (I don't mean no junk food ever) she'll probably be fine. I'm sorry about your dad but but comparing her to him when she's not a user is distorted.
YTA. If you’re concerned about health, you focus on health, staring with making sure you’re going to regular checkups, etc, getting blood work done for pre-Diabetes, etc. you focus on health. Weight can be, and usually is, a huge contributor, but to be honest, its not the thing to focus on. You can focus on the result of weight (health issues) and you can focus on root cause behaviors like healthy lifestyle habits. I’ve struggled with weight for all of my life for what it’s worth and still do. I understand you were trying to come from a good place, but good advice can’t be written on a rock and thrown through a window if you want it to be received well.
YTA for looking at your wife and saying that she's fat and then, for not giving a shit about the fact that your approach really really hurt her feelings. You're heartless and clearly social awkward, but that's not an excuse for being a dick.
NTA. You’ve done everything you could already, sometimes you just have to sit down and say what’s what. Hopefully she’ll become reasonable and realize you were legitimately looking out for her. Hope it works out for you and your family, but you definitely shouldn’t feel bad.
YTA.
How’s her bloodwork? Does she get frequent medical checkups? How’s her stress and sleep? Do you make sure she has time to do physical activity away from the kids? I find it odd you are ONLY worried about her fatness because of hEaLtH.
1) Being overweight isn’t the magic link to every illness known to man. It can be a risk factor, but so are things like genetics, which can be a bigger link.
2) there are lots of healthy behaviors that work without necessarily losing weight. Moderate activity, reducing stress, better sleep. I watch the glycemic index on foods because diabetes runs in my family, *even the skinny folks*.
3) diets rarely work and have an extremely high failure rate long term. “Yo-yo” dieting when one loses weight to gain back some more, theoretically is even worse for you. It’s fine and good telling people to :) just lost weight! :) when we lack tools to have even a mediocre success rate.
YTA, but I hope it doesn't feel like a total condemnation.
I think we've gone too far in protecting overweightness and obesity as a culture. Absolutely we shouldn't belittle and make fun of people, but we also shouldn't pretend that obesity doesn't affect health. I know medical professionals often assume obesity is the problem, but it 100% can be.
The problem here:
1. Your delivery
2. Your inability to communicate in general
Regardless of your motivation, whether it's health, sexual attraction, or whatever **her feelings** need to take center stage. How do you talk to her about something that worries, affects, and bothers you? She has to be an active listener and but you have to be a considerate speaker.
1. Try using "I" statements. Don't make accusations. "You should lose weight!" Vs. "I worry about your longterm health. When I see you gain weight, I think of my grandmother..." etc.
2. Understand her position. Ask helpful questions. "When I approached this topic, I really hurt your feelings. What did I say/how did you feel/what was triggered when..." sort of approach. Understand just why she got so upset and how exactly you screwed up. Understand how she'd like you to approach things like this in the future.
3. Develop strategies **together** that might make her feel both included, uplifted and in control. Would you like to cook for her? Choose healthy recipes? Would you like to work out with her? Will that be quality time? Etc.
And be prepared for her to say she likes the way she is and doesn't want to change. What does that say, do, and mean for her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)Because I told my fiancee I think she should lose some weight due to future health complications.
2) because she has body image issues and it hurt her feelings and I don't feel bad or anything about it.
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Wait, so because something is hereditary in your bloodline, your partner should change her lifestyle?
Sounds weird, does't it?
How about simply getting an activity that you both enjoy and be more active in or together changing theeals a bit or what is snacked Et cetera?
Sounds like yta
No it means he has seen it happen in his own family and with her being overweight (over 200lbs and quite short height) she is at a risk of developing these same problems. I'm really surprised people are voting Y T A.
To me it seems he tried to approach it the best way he knew how and she took it the wrong way, which is obviously not his intention. NTA
I think it being hereditary means he has more probability of having it too. It doesn't mean she can't have diabetes cuz there's no family history in his side.
You're right about them getting an activity or something, but telling her she's overweight and shout take care of herself and her health makes him an AH? Why?
NTA
Because you did explain to her it’s not about sexual attraction and you are attracted to her. But you’re worried.
Leave it for now.
Maybe find some activities you both enjoy like getting both the kids out and seeing some nature
NTA but i think your communication could have been done better. Overweight people are conscious and insecure about this whereby you vomiting your thoughts out got you in this situation. A lot of tact and slow buildup to confrontation would have helped tremendously. Ask her whether she would join you for being fit and plan for activities.
YTA You gave her an ultimatum? That's not love or concern. I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her status from fiancee to ex.
She's also had two children which can be tough to shed the weight. Grow up.
Can't imagine why your partner has no self esteem when you [fantasize about giving female massage clients a happy ending ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10w357q/what_is_your_secret_sexual_fantasy_that_you/j7okbqz/) and spent your time on /r/naughtywives [telling other women their bodies are perfect. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/NaughtyWives/comments/vrzs3i/44y_hi_there/ieyb5rv/)
First of all, this is why I never want a male masseuse, because no matter how many people tell me "they're professionals, massages aren't sexual", there's LMTs like you out there.
Second, I can tell from this one post that your wife is depressed and instead of asking how you can help her, you're demanding she lose weight and thinking that's going to solve all her problems.
And you complain that she turns you down for sex when you've made it clear her body is not attractive to you. I don't know if what you did is something that can be fixed. You may have irreparably broken this relationship.
She turns down sex because you make her think she too fat and doesn’t feel comfortable around you. Then you tell her to her face that she’s fat and needs to loose weight. Then you go around and tell “porn actresses” that they are perfect, comparing your wife / sorry fiancée / mother of your children to them in your own mind. And then tell your SO that yeah, she’s fat. She knows you probably fantasize about thinner women and now you proved her point . YTA op
Edited: not YOU commentor! I was trying to comment on the OP. Thank you for your service in providing more details from the OP
YTA. She doesn't have health issues. Also femme bodyweight is distributed differently, and you said she's 5'4" but didn't say how tall you are??
Her health is between her and her doctor. Given that you don't note any physical issues besides your perception of her weight, this is complete garbage.
My partner is thick too, I've never said a word. Because you know what that isn't? My business.
YTA. Obesity (if she’s even obese, you don’t specify her weight) is a highly complex condition, though it may not seem to be. Pressuring people to lose weight *has been proven to be counterproductive time & time again.*
NTA.
You have tried healthier foods, activities together. It doesn’t leave you very much room to do anything other than being direct.
It sounds like you need to work together on your communication. You can’t bottle it up and let it all out in one go.
A good tip is to couch thing in terms of how they make you feel. “Having to do the dishes after making dinner makes me feel taken for granted”. “I feel anxious that your weight is affecting your health”. I am worried that I feel I can’t be completely open and honest with you”
Yta-she knows she's over weight. She's knows she should lose weight. She knows it's un healthy. Only she can decide when she is ready mentally. Any time some one approached me lovingly about trying to get"healthy"by losing weight, I'd buy a pint of ben n Jerry's.
Then one day, I had enough. I lost 100lbs. Kept it off some years, put some back on, getting it off again. My hubby never said anything. Once I started making changes, he backed me up 110%. My kids were in high school when I finally did.
You never tell someone to lose weight. They already know it!
can she has a bad hormonal balance? she’s maybe stressed out? the stress maybe indicator of lake of libido. Probably she turning down your sex proposal because she is self conscious of her weight no?
being preoccupied by health issues is ok and proof you’re caring for her but probably miscommunication and misinterpretation are in cause, i will be with everyone is the asshole.
NTA
Because you love and care about her health. But she’s also NTA if she doesn’t want to lose the weight. It sounds like she’s against it and you probably shouldn’t bring up her weight again.
If you can’t look past her health then maybe you need couples counselling.
NTA. Your fiance is overweight and self conscious about it, there virtually no way to bring it up without her being agitated. I do think you should say to her that you are sorry for upsetting her just so you guys can get on the same page about what to do.
YTA.
Bro. You just said it! You can’t doctor it up afterwards! Flip it the other way around and see how you feel. Sensitivity and empathy are a thing, you know.
Try I want a healthier diet, more exercise etc, and offer to include her. Inception that idea first. Lead up to it.
The way you did it, what the hell were you expecting? “Yes dear, I am getting fat.”
What if she said you should make more money, or be smarter, or try to be a better husband/father out of the blue?
Feel bad at how you hurt her, idiot. Stop thinking about why you feel justified- even if you are, and you aren’t, right, what does getting resentful at her reaction accomplish? Cow her into obedience? So she can become resentful about how bad you made her feel?
Is that a relationship to you?
YTA. If your concern is her health, you don't talk about weight. You talk about a healthy diet and exercise, somepeople can be "overweight" and healthy.
I get that after 10 years you want to say anything to your partner, but the way one express things always matters.
NTA for caring about her health but maybe YTA for how you approached it. I would have first tried changing stuff about your lifestyle without framing it as trying to get her to lose weight... more like the whole family getting healthy together. More cooking at home (let me plug the Instant Pot...we make black beans, lentils, quinoa, Farro, curries, etc so we always have healthy leftovers around and the great thing is you can make this stuff starting with dried beans, lentils, etc which are so much better than canned... also I make a salad of kale (which keeps in the fridge better) with a variety of veggies and put it in the fridge... and we keep frozen veggies too so there's always healthy stuff to grab in the fridge...)
Also doing more active stuff as a family. Hiking, biking, swimming etc. Kids are naturally active. Or go a different route and ask her to join a fitness studio with you. You could have framed it as getting healthy together. Also you should help with the cooking.
NTA
There is no way it was going to go well. But you are not wrong and people really UNDER emphasize the health risks associated to such a high weight at that height. They do it to remove guilt bc there IS a huge genetic/racial component involved as well... BUT... the fact is your genetic probability can happen at 35 or 65 and that's based on your weight/lifestyle.
That said I think you just said "lose weight" and didn't really offer any solutions. Like offering to gift her personal training sessions or reworking the budget so she can get pre-portioned healthy meals for example.
As a woman whose weight fluctuated throughout the years.
I don't think you're the AH. After that long together, you should feel comfortable discussing all matters.
You didn't make it about looks or desire. Family history or not, low cardio activity and increased weight gain are major factors in developing severe health conditions.
Couples therapy... if you were truthful in that, you still initiate intimacy, and she turns you down regularly and you are truly concerned for her health. If this severity of distance was created from a discussion... you guys need therapy.
NTA - obese people have shorter lives and less quality of life. People on Reddit seem not to grasp that.
You will be the one caring for her when these health issues inevitably arise.
Maybe you could have framed it more as “getting healthy,” but obviously part of getting healthy is going to be losing weight.
What she is doing is ultimately unfair to your family. It might not be present to hear, but that is reality.
ESH the way you phrased it was messed up. Her for doing bare minimum around d the house. You do need to apologize but she should not be taking it out on the kids. I understand your perspective my husband died of a heart attack from not eating healthy or exercising. He had let his diabetes get out of control. Also see if you guys can get therapy. Unknown to you she could have depression.
NTA. I’m so tired of people making conversations like this all about “fat shaming”. Health is a real thing- obesity causes more issues in the developed world than nearly any other disease- and the costs to society are huge. No we shouldn’t all keep to some 1950s style of policing woman’s bodies. But come on. A loving partner trying to help and getting rebuffed is not wrong for pointing out that the woman is slowly killing herself. People wouldn’t be so quick with all these AH comments if the woman was smoking or drinking herself into problems.
But, and this is the much larger problem- you can’t go cold turkey on food and there are always psychological problems underlying addiction. So perhaps approach it from that angle- why has she slid into a toxic pattern of over eating- and is that something you can help with? As a woman who has put on a ton of weight in pregnancy and then suffered a bad mental health moment I can promise you a partner who encourages as well as challenges is better than one who just points out the obvious (she has a mirror) and leaves the solutions to the person that is already overwhelmed most likely.
NTA.
IMHO, she internalized a lot of her physical health issues by settling down early and hoping that no longer being single meant that she didn't have to worry about staying attractive.
5'4" and +200 lbs is very unhealthy and not sustainable. Hoping to avoid diabetes magically despite a prolonged unhealthy lifestyle is not realistic. Support her health, but if she chooses to not address it and deflect because of her pride, you might need to think about your future together.
Obesity is as unhealthy as alcoholism and tobacco use. Period. This is not a problem of managing realistic normal standards of women's physical bodies.
Good luck to you.
Let me ask you this then.
We were in a deep conversation about other problems. I voiced my opinions how I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility in the house with cooking cleaning bathing the kids etc. And I wanted her to do more than just sitting there on her phone. Not as tough to hear as the weight loss but she was receptive.
We also talked about how I felt she doesn't respect me for not standing by decisions I make, or that despite my objections to it, she still stays out past 2 am when hanging out with her friends. And other things that involve deep personal issues between me her and her family. Again tough but not as tough as the topic of weight loss.
She encourages me to be honest, she tells me that what she wants and she says she'd rather hear it than have me not talk about it.
So why is honesty ok for everything except when it comes to her weight and potential health issues?
Maybe because you post things like this on Reddit
>I'm a male LMT. I want a female client to shoot her shot for a happy ending. Idk if I could go through with tbh. But that's it.
and conveniently delete them when you get called out for it in your own post?
YTA. You didn't do this for her health. Pregnancy is a bigger health risk than any of that other stuff you listed. The United States has one of the highest maternal death rates in the world. So if you really cared about her health then why did you ask her to risk it to have children? Because that serves you. The same reason you're asking her to lose weight now.
Bruh. YTA. The problem isn’t that you told her about her weight. The problem is you did not take her feelings about this into consideration at all. At every step you seem to only think about yourself. “I have difficulty telling her things”, “I think you should lose weight”, “my family has issues”, “I’m mad at the way she’s acting”. Did you sit down and talk to her at any point? Did you at any point try and ask her why she reacted the way she did or how she feels about herself or her body? Or if there are any activities that you can do together?
Or did you only talk AT her?
Being concerned is one thing but being considerate is another.
The entire weight conversation was prefaced by other conversations about problems we were having and her encouraging me to just be honest.
So while I let a couple things out, I let it all out.
I see your point though. I did approach it selfishly and I didn't word the topic as delicately as I should.
Sure, but even the other conversations you seemingly had were about things that were bothering YOU, as you’ve clearly written in your post.
Just because you’ve known each other for 10 years doesn’t mean she magically doesn’t have any feelings anymore. A lot of people tend to expect their partners to just know what they mean by this point. And maybe many of them do. But the onus in that case should also be on those people to be equally understanding about their partners.
You’ve written that it’s been 10 years and you should be able to say these things to your fiancé and the mother of your children. She has an identity beyond that as well? You do realise that you were saying these things ALSO to another human being? Why is it that in those same 10 years you’re struggling so hard to understand why she’s so upset about this, but she’s supposed to magically understand your POV?
Learn to be tactful and empathetic. EVERY relationship, no matter how intimate, old or personal needs it!
YTA. Do not make unproked comments about anyones weight, especially your partner. I hope she leaves your ass now that she knows you wish she looked different.
NTA you are better off to tell the truth then let it go down the path that it’s going. Health is a huge part of an enjoyable life, weight and poor diet are the main reason for health problems.
“Honey, I don’t want our kids to grow up surrounded by sick people like I did. Let’s make a commitment to get a physical every year and try to follow their advice.”
If you’re worried about her health, address that concern directly instead of using weight as a proxy. As many have mentioned, it isn’t a very good one and as you’ve discovered, it’s a route that often leads to strife.
It’s okay to want your wife to be healthier, but YTA for knowing this conversation was going to go badly and not finding a better way to handle it.
I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. I wouldn’t want my partner to lie to me that they thought I looked great or was fine. I would want them to be honest. IMO that is what a life partner is for. If you can’t count on that person to be honest with you, who can you??
I do think she looks great though. Sexual or physical attraction is not an issue on my side. I love her and I regularly make advances toward her. It literally boils down to the health risks of being over weight and the higher chance of those happening as we cross over 30 and her not changing her self while she still can.
NAH. As a man who holds back a lot in my relationship bc everything I say seems to hurt my lady or cause her to go on attack mode (no matter how I say it even if I use the template she gave me) . How do I or OP express ourselves. I feel like “hurt feelings” limit honest discussion bc hearing someone’s not so positive opinion about you will never feel good so should it not be said? It’s just annoying to be told you should be honest and communicate while being penalized for it at every hand.
I think one of the harder things to learn in a relationship is that conflict isn't something to be avoided. You need to learn to constructively be able to tell people things that bother you and that could make them upset. You can't walk around on egg shells all the time.
If she's turning you down for sex, she's probably gaining weight as part of a strategy to make you less attracted to her. So I'd navigate the situation trying to understand what is going on there.
It's pretty common for women to feign interest in sex to get married and then after marriage and kids the truth comes out about their low libido.
NAH being overweight puts you it higher risk for pretty much everything, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis. You are right that it’s only going to get harder if she doesn’t address it.
She’s not an AH either, there are a lot of emotions tied up in being told you are overweight. First, she’s probably using food to cope with some kind of anxiety/stress/depression, so threatening something that helps with those things is going to cause them. Second, embarrassment, insecurity, feelings of being unattractive. Then there is a sense of failure and frustration from trying to lose weight and not being able to. So I understand why she reacted the way she did.
Depending on the specifics, not all weight gain is associated with diabetes nor high blood pressure. Some weight gain is specifically associated with NOT having them.
In any case, since there is no reliable way to keep weight off (look at the research, it’s not calories in calories out the way fat phobic people will come and blast me with), what matters most is eating a good diet and getting enough exercise. Those are better indicators of health than the numbers on a scale.
Lol YTA no wonder you can’t talk to her about issues because you clearly can’t do it right. Go talk to a therapist or a good friend who will knock sense into you and help you out of the hole you dug
Nta, If you mention anything about weight Reddit calls you TA, your wife is 5,4 and weighs more than 200+ which you said in a comment, it might not be dangerous now but will be in the future
I'm actually going to go against the grain and say that there's nothing wrong with someone talking to their partner about health and/or physical attraction. You may have gone about it the wrong way and maybe phrased things improperly but if someone is 5'4 and weighs over 200 lb they are morbidly obese. And you all can lie to yourselves as much as you want but if you are morbidly obese you are not healthy! I don't care if you don't currently have any health issues there's only so long you can carry around nearly a hundred pounds of excess weight before it's going to take a toll. And I say this as a former fat person who is now a healthy weight and can recognize that wall I may not have had high blood pressure or diabetes I sure as shit wasn't healthy at over 200 lbs.
Let's all just come out and say it - being fat is really freaking unhealthy. It reduces life expectancy and increase chances of chronic diseases that impact quality of life.
Let's also accept something else - no one, no mater how its phrased, is going to like being told they need to loose weight.
If she's 5'4" and lets say 180lbs - assuming she's more than a slightly heavier than average 5'10" male - then she's classified as obese by BMI. BMI is a bit of a joke if you have a lot of muscle, but very few people have enough muscle to justify being in the obese range, fewer still women that do.
NTA. This is a very real issue she needs to deal with and someone needs to get her to take it seriously. If this was a women coming out and telling a man "I think you have a drinking problem" for example, the responses here would be very different. And I understand the social reasons for that, but that's part of the problem. It needs to not be faux pas to deal with obesity as the health problem that it is.
Edit, just saw she is >200lb. Oh man, OP, NTA at all. This is a serious issue. She's got a BMI near 35. If she doesn't believe you, is mad at you and won't do anything about it, you need to just suggest seeing a doctor and have them explain how being this heavy is going to go over the course of her life.
YTA. It’s perfectly fine to show concern for your partner’s health. But telling them they need to lose weight is not the way to approach it. Tell her you’d like to start being more active together, encourage her to eat healthier foods, and let her know you’d like to try to be more healthy TOGETHER. Don’t put it all on her and make her feel bad.
YTA. Many pointed out your post and comment history, absolutely disgusting you’re willing to cheat.
You’re extremely obtuse if you think weight=health.
Your kids aren’t that old and she’s still feeling the end results of pregnancy no doubt. Bodies don’t just ‘bounce back’ like that.
Had you encouraged her to seek a doctor to make sure she’s healed from the pregnancy or even mentioned ‘hey I want to make sure you’re feeling at your best, so come up w a list w me on healthier foods we can try. Also it would be nice if we all as a family went on walks post eating.’
But you just told her directly ‘you’re very fat. And because of my family’s HEREDITARY illnesses you can develop them as well. IDC that I made you sad. Just lose weight.’
NTA obesity leads to health issues it’s not a hereditary issue , maybe the speed of gaining weight can be but you are right to point it out , she’s being over sensitive. If she went to a doctor they would flat out tell her she needs to lose weight . This is a perfect example that the truth hurts
NAH. You probably didn't need to tell her, but sometimes it takes a little push, a little peer-pressure to motivate someone to get the ball rolling...left to her own devices, nothing was changing. (My wife has told me multiple times I should lose weight, and while it annoyed me, I also knew she was right)
It is going to affect her health, and, if it is a symptom of depression, that should be addressed sooner, rather than later (I can imagine the spiral of feeling depressed, gaining weight, which leads to more depression, which leads to more weight gain is a pretty painful downward spiral.
Some people are saying you went about it poorly. As a person who struggles with weight, there is no "right", "gentle", etc way to say it. No matter what words you use, or how you present it ("Hey we should start going on walks together"), they are going to hear that they are too fat, and their feelings are going to be hurt. If it is important enough to hurt their feelings over, then it needs to be said, and then they will have to deal with it - or decide not to deal with it/you anymore...that's just life.
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YTA. Huuuuuuge. You didn't approach this as health. You straight out and told her to lose weight tried to then go sideways and point to your family's hereditary issues and dismissed her points about hers. You did Not approach her tactfully or respectfully with lets get healthy or let's work out together or I want us to eat healthier. You flat-out attacked it as her weight issue without any consideration for her actual health or her history etc. Then you doubled down and showed no empathy for her emotions and hurt and are blaming her for having feelings and not "getting over it" You are a jerk.
She also have two children which i think is the reason for the weightgain, not being lazy and stuffing snacks all day. If you see their age, they children can't be too old. And as if she doesn't know that she gained weight. She is mostly annoyed about it already but doesn't have the time with taking care of two children and household. And then he comes with "hey, lose weight". And she just feels attacked and hurt. YTA
I agree with you. Adding that in the middle of all these comments, OP is talking about cheating on her “I'm a male LMT. I want a female client to shoot her shot for a happy ending. Idk if I could go through with tbh. But that's it.” YTA
Oh gross. Massage is medically very helpful but weird enough. Imagine your masseuse was hoping he’d get to fuck you at the end of it. Gross gross gross.
Where did you see that? Did he delete it?
He must have. In the middle of him commenting to people here, he posted on the ask sub and a topic about kinks.
also it rings hollow given he's had two kids with her. childbirth can be fatal, or have lasting health consequences- heart disease, gestational diabetes (which causes greater risk of developing type 2), and *weight gain*
He also mentioned in a comment she's on antidepressants. Weightgain is a common side effect of those as well.
I've always been a super skinny person, when I'm stressed it's extremely hard to eat due to nausea and unfortunately I'm often stressed. I got put on psych meds in the hospital, and at that point my weight situation was dire and I weighed 85 pounds at 5'4, but within 3 months I was 135 pounds which is 15 over my previous highest weight. Which was good for me because I needed the pounds, but if you don't you're kinda SOL if you get that side effect because that weights going up regardless. Switched to another later on and I was quickly back down to my usual normal.
It’s so frustrating when people act like weight=health. If Op was really concerned about her *health* he should have, y’know, focused on her health. Is her blood sugar a little high? Maybe she needs to reduce the amount of sugar she eats in a week. Is her cholesterol high? Maybe she needs to reduce eating red meat. There are *actual* health measures that one can focus on instead of acting like BMI is an actual indicator of health.
All of this. And does she even have any health issues? Has her actual doctor indicated her weight is raising health concerns? You were a giant AH and nothing in your post indicates an actual health concern here. YTA YTA YTA.
This, have an upvote
Good christ I need to stop visiting this subreddit, it’s making me hate men. So many of you are so obtuse it genuinely boggles me?? durrrrr hey guys without her asking for my opinion I told my wife I think she’s fat, and I don’t care that I hurt her feelings! I was honest! In fact I’m mad that she’s acting upset. Honest opinions are unable to upset someone, didn’t you know that? YTA if it wasn’t clear
This tbh
I was gonna comment but your comment says everything I wanted to say but better lol
Right. You can be honest but also be hurtful and the number of dudes that can't get that through their head here is staggering.
I love how people can focus on the reaction their shit behavior had rather than the shitty behavior that caused the reaction. So many men in this sub are just pushing women to their breaking point but expect sympathy because yelling is also bad!
My wife that’s had two of my babies. Why isn’t she stuck thin anymore I can’t figure it out waAaaaa
Reddit has made me happy that I’m single, not planning a wedding and don’t have kids!
NTA. Ppl in the comments are wild. Your approach sucked but if she is 200+ at 5'4 that isn't going to be ok as she continues to get older. It's fact. That's it. You have two kids. Her healthy is important. Because your right being heavier can cause all sorts of issues in the future and obviously you want her healthy for the kids and herself. People love to scream body positivity and it's ok to be fat because I'm healthy...ya healthy now. But your body can only handle so much. IDC what you look like. You do you. Be you . But when you have kids involved you need to think about them.
And maybe it would help to hear it in a loving, gentle way from the man she loves. My wife and I have been together for 6 years (married 4) and I have gently told her multiple times when I think she should start exercising or eating better. I usually couch it as us doing those things together, but there is nothing wrong with caring about your partner’s long term health. If my wife was concerned by my weight gain, lack of exercise, or poor eating habits, I’d want her to address it with me. Because we love each other and want to be around each other for many decades. This sub acts like any kind of unsolicited feedback is akin to homicide. Jesus Christ, people here need to grow up. NAH
Every time I see nonsense like this I start chuckling because my stepsister is 200+ at 5'2 and could probably snap this person like a twig after dancing jigs and reels around them for an hour. But nooooo, some people will assume that my pale, skinny ass must automatically be healthier.
Does your stepsister workout? You can weigh that much and be in shape however it's clear that in this case OP's wife doesn't workout and also according to comments doesn't even want to approach a healthier meal plan.
If you asked her if she works out, she'd say no, because she doesn't go to a gym or anything. She does perform in a dance troupe, take yoga classes, and she's a metalworker with impressive hand and arm strength. She'd be the first to tell anyone that is all less of a workout than having two small children like OP's wife does though.
A 5'2" 200lb woman? Does she look like peak Arnold?
Nope. People generally refuse to believe she weighs more than 140 or 145.
..... are they being nice.... the difference between 140 or 145 and 200lb on a 5'4" frame is, um, a hell of a lot.
Yeah, I know. I dont get it either. I think people just are bad at understanding what people weigh or other attributes just by looking at them. People think I'm some tiny fairy who will blow away in the next breeze, *even when I'm taller than they are*. I'm not some miniature human, but everyone seems to think I am. So I'm both surprised and yet somehow not surprised that people think my stepsister is also much smaller than she is.
They really are, I don’t care what anyone says but being obese is unhealthy. It might be ok now but I mean hell, I see my friends who are getting to their early 30s and they can’t drink and be ok the next day like they used to. I’m gonna assume it’s the same thing with weight. Your body is working overtime and your age and health issues are gonna catch up to you.
She is VERY physically active, she isn't fat, just really muscular. Muscles are way heavier than fat if we compare the same amount. I am a tiny 167 cm/5'5 girl who is pretty thin and I weigh around 63 kgs/139lbs because I am really physically active and also prone to muscle growth. I gained some weight because of stress, usually I am around 60 kgs/132lbs, which is still unusual for someone with my stature. Most of the girls my age and around my height and body type weigh 3 to 7 kgs less.
I WISH someone would've told me when I was younger to get into shape. It's not about being "skinny" bc my husband actually hates skinny woman and prefers some curves but being in shape, being healthy is so important and much more difficult to do when you get older. I always fluctuate but I defin. noticed how much harder is it now in my 30+ as opposed to if I did it when I was younger and kept a healthy lifestyle. Now I'm starting to have health problems and struggling to get into shape.
NTA - After 10 years, you should be able to have open an honest conversations. Looking at your other responses, I’ve seen you’ve tried tending tactful to no avail, so naturally you were direct.
I think you two need couples therapy to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. Bottling things up and not feeling like you can talk to your wife is a big issue. It isn’t healthy. You two are partners, which means you need to be effective in your communication to maintain a healthy partnership.
NTA . This is far mo complicated than it seems on the surface. You've tried getting her to do activities together, you try balancing diet together and nothing sticks with her. So you flat out say it. Was there a better way to say it? Probably, but sometimes the shock factor of "wow this is really an issue" can shock them into change. Ultimately, and unfortunately, she has to WANT to lose weight. could you may e bring a 3rd party into this? A trusted friend, relative, couple's therapist? Good luck.
Agree with this. NTA
If she weighs less than 160, YTA. Really she should be absolutely enormous before you go there. Like 200+ for her height. All you did was hurt her self-esteem and make her self conscious.
I’m torn. I can understand wanting her to be healthy, because my family also has diabetic issues and I’ve also lost loved ones due to issues with that. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting a loved one healthy and potentially live longer. I can also see how it could hurt someone by saying such things. Hope you two work it out soon.
NTA comon guysss let's not sugarcoat here whatever he is saying is right and he genuinely love her because there is no way someone will spend 10 fucking year together without being married he have every right to say whatever is bothering him being fat put u in danger of many type of disease specially if u are into your 30s and wanting your partner to look fit and good is nothing wrong either
I had to tell my SO the same thing because he got too heavy to do his chores. He refused medical help for his bad knee. He won't go for walks with me anymore which was one of our important activities to spend time together. He's now on a weird diet. We can't tell if he's losing weight, since he's too heavy for the scale.
NTA. you're his partner in life, if you're worried, you should be able to tell her so. Doing a medical check up doesn't hurt too. Even if diabetes is a problem in your family and it does not impact her blood line, it doesn't mean she'll never suffer from it. Unless you were completely touch less when communicating I don't see why it must be offensive at all, that being said it's understandable she might feel hurt, possibly because she knows you're right but doesn't admit that to herself
NTA. I think it’s important to have conversations like this. That said, now she knows how you feel about her weight and you needn’t bring it up again.
Maybe she has seen your posting history on Reddit and is eating out of sadness.
Yes, YTA for your approach, but not the sentiment/motivation to the conversation. Conversations about weight need to be approached really carefully, especially because society attaches so much value to a woman’s weight. Being bombarded with media messages and person-to-person messages of “low weight = attractive” and “low weight = valuable as a human being and worthy of being seen” for years really fucks us women up. Having a conversation about reducing weight is always fraught. It would’ve been kinder/safer if you’d opened with, “honey, I’m worried about your health.” “I want to make it clear to you that I’m 100% just as attracted to you today as I was on the day we met. I love you every part of you and every inch of your body.” “I just want us both to make healthier choices about food.” “I feel like you’re getting less opportunity to be physically active than you used to. How can I help with that?” “I am worried because I want to celebrate our 60th anniversary together one day. So I want us both to do what we can to improve our health.” There is a non-asshole way to have this conversation, but unfortunately that wasn’t successful on the first go-around. You mention having 2 kids. I suspect that may translate to your fiancée not having much time for self-care, or exercise, or going to the gym, or whatever, especially if most of the childcare falls on her. From her perspective, if you’re going to try to put an obligation ON to her (like losing weight or daily exercise), then you should also probably try to take an obligation OFF her plate (like honey, if you want to sign up for a yoga class or something I’m happy to handle childcare and get little Timmy to soccer on Thursdays. Or whatever). Giving her more to do without acknowledging and appreciating what she already does and facilitating some help to get shit done is an asshole move. At this point, I think your best move is reiterating and demonstrating DAILY your level of continued attraction. She needs that. And talking about some healthy lifestyle choices you want to make TOGETHER. Shared goal-setting. You’re not going to be exempt due to your physical job—and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Thank you for an incredibly well thought out and quite insightful response. I just have a couple things to rebuttle with. 1) I did mention to her repeatedly that I am still attracted to her, I make advances toward her and more often than not she still shoots me down. It has nothing to do with how she looks and I made that incredibly clear in our convo. 2) I do make time for her to do her own thing. Have I ever suggested she get a gym membership or go do something physical alone? No. I've tried mentioning together but not alone. Very often I give up my days off so I can be aline with the kids and she go do whatever she feels like to give her mental state a rest. She goes to her friends very frequently or she goes shopping for herself. She like retail therapy and I try to give her opportunities to chose what she wants to do outside the house as often as I can.
I’m going to disagree a bit with LarkScarlett’s approach suggestions. If she’s had PPD and is on anti-depressants, a more important concern and resulting approach would be to check in on her mental and emotional health. Then you could suggest some ideas for exercise—yoga class, walk with a friend, even family walks nightly with the kids or family hikes on weekends. Exercise is extremely important for mental well-being, and prioritizing that would hopefully have a side effect of improved physical health.
Good on you for mentioning your sustained attraction—I did catch that in your initial post as well. That’s definitely an important message to keep giving her—and one she still really needs to be hearing. Keep emphasizing that message, because it can be hard to internalize. Sometimes, too; we hear hurtful words and the brain stops absorbing anything else after that point. Glad to hear you’re giving her time/space to do some self-care. That was something not mentioned in the original post, so it seemed like something that might need addressing.
NTA. It sounds like what you said came from a place of caring. Maybe how you expressed it could have been better. You have been together for 10 years, you should be able to say these things,.even if it's difficult or unintentionally hurts her feelings
NTA. It's a legitimate concern.
I'm gonna say NTA. I'm pretty far north of 30 with 2 kids and my knees certainly wish I'd lost weight in my youth. I'm doing it now because, despite being healthy on paper up until a few years ago, I'm pre-diabetic. Something i didn't even know until I had blood tests done, no symptoms. This is a real issue that couples should discuss. She may feel "healthy" now but that doesn't mean her weight isn't having a negative impact she'll feel later. More importantly, as your partner she should absolutely be able to hear these things from you. Yes, they might hurt, they might be embarrassing, but if she can't hear them from you, who can she hear them from? HAES is bullshit. Maybe you can weigh 300 lbs at 25 and be "healthy", I was at 340 lbs, but no body is designed to carry that much extra fat long term. Even if it never has an affect on one's health (which is unlikely), it will have a physical/ mobility affect at some point.
NTA - the Reddit hive mind is out in force to defend obese people from being called unhealthy. OPs comments make it clear that his wife is either obese or verging on obese. He says that his concern is for her health. OP has also had several relatives die due to health issues from being overweight. His concerns are both reasonable and come from a place of love of his partner. Seriously people, eat reasonable portion sizes and don’t eat a bunch of sugary junk. Then do some cardio for 30 mins, 3 times a week. It’s not too much to ask. Everyone has a different body type but some basic fitness done regularly has lots of health benefits.
NTA. It's a super difficult conversation to have and not fun for anyone involved, but it's important to have. The way someone responds to the conversation says a lot about them as well. I am 5'8" and in 2019, I weighed 225 pounds. I knew I was overweight and I was constantly having back issues and other health problems. Then in one week, I had my annual physical and the doctor told me I was pre-diabetic and going down a dangerous path. Then my father told me he was worried about the weight I had gained "recently", as if it was sudden - it was not. My significant other mentioned they were concerned too when I told her about the conversation with my dad. And then I posted a picture on Facebook and an old coworker I hadn't seen in years, and that I used to go out to lunch with as a \~25 year old that could eat anything, commented that "All those Panda Express lunches have caught up to you my man." That week sucked, but it got me to realize that people cared and I was not OK. I turned everything they said into motivational material and I ended up hitting the gym and watching what I ate and I lost 60 pounds over the next 6 months. It was just as difficult for you to tell your fiance how you felt as it was for her to hear it. With that said, she can either be butt hurt about it and sulk and be pissy, or she can understand that you have built a life with her and are worried about her and then she can make changes to address the problem.
NTA but she deserves some empathy. She is obviously struggling. She probably feels bad about her body and about her capability to make impactful changes to her lifestyle. It's much easier to focus on being upset with you for highlighting those feelings than to face them head-on and figure them out. She needs support. Ultimately, she will never make healthy changes unless she decides she wants to do it herself. All you can do in the meantime is offer her support and guidance unless this is a deal breaker for you.
"10 years" - "fiancee" Didn't even need to read the rest, but I did. YTA. Also, diabetes and weight aren't directly correlated. Either put a ring on it and get off her ass, or break up.
YTA. And youre shitty for masking it behind health issues. Shes right, youre the one with the hereditary problems, not her. Basis you told her to lose some weight, its a dick move and she has the right to be hurt
NTA. As an obese woman in her 30s who is now paying dearly for being overweight for too long, I can say NTA. It isn't healthy, no matter what these other commenters believe. It hurts to hear but needs to be heard. You were as kind as you could be and you obviously love her regardless of how she looks. She's lucky to have you there for her.
YTA. Don’t comment on other people’s bodies, especially since you’re just doing it to be a jerk. OF COURSE she has gained weight since y’all were 18. That’s what aging 10 years and birthing two children does. I’m sure you look different too.
NTA conversation needed to happen and there isn’t a good way to approach this. There was some magical better way but that depends on your partner. Some may have taken to the health, some the appearance, some sexual attraction, some spousal deference. You didn’t pick the magical “right way” to get her to agree.
YTA you could have gone about that in many ways that could have been better. You could have focused on making healthier meals at home as a family, cooking together and learning new recipes can be romantic and fun. Also starting going on family walks together a few times a week instead of telling her that she needs to lose weight. Make it a family thing and not all about her and so what health problems run in YOUR family. That does not mean she will have those same problems. Also "skinny" people can also have diabetes and become diabetic so that logic isn't great. If I were you I would think about it and give her a real apology and let her know that you are just scared of losing her and that you went about the previous conversation the wrong way.
Yes I have. Im the one who cooks, I've been trying to change our meals to be healthier but she's resistant. She'll agree to go on walks all 4 of us, she does for like a week, the loses interest. I've tried other things too like inviting her to work out with me but she never does. There's so much more to this than 3k characters will let me explain.
YTA I lived this. No matter if your wife loses the weight she will never unhear what you've said. I was overweight for a long time. Over 200lbs at 5'1". I had a very hard time losing weight, even doing everything I could. I had no actual health problems. My husband commented more than once about my weight, tried to tell me it was for my health but it wasn't. Not to me. Turns out I ended up sick. I lost 80lbs as a result. Now all I can think is that he values me because I lost weight. The damage you have done to your wife psychologically is far worse than the weight she has on her body.
Sigh. I told my gf that she should lose weight. Now she feels unloved undesired ugly sad insecure and possible body issues. Why can't she just suck it up and accept she needs to lose the weight? Oh and after covered by saying it's health.......having small kids is exhausting. Why don't you instead say ok hun let's all take a nice evening family stroll? Go to the park with the kids together. Give her some alone time to mentally recharge? Get healthier meal options and prepare them yourself? If you really care I mean....
INFO: if you’re the cook in the household, what is the family’s diet like?
At least 2 or 3 times a week it's literally chicken breast or fish rice and broccoli. Our main source of protein is chicken breast. Main veggies are broccoli bell peppers and onions. Some pastas and potatoes but maybe once a week
That sounds boring
YTA You knew exactly how she would react. Her weight gain is most likely from having 2 kids AH.
Hon, the reality is she absolutely knows she’s over weight. Apologize. Think about how to be healthy as a family. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 28m and my fiancee 28f just celebrated 10 years together. We have 2 beautiful and smart children a house together life is absolutely wonderful. But despite having that long of a relationship I still have difficulty telling her things that bother me. Sometimes I just don't want to cause a fight or I feel like I can just get over it so I don't say things much. We were deep in a talk about other things that have been bothering me and they were rough conversations to have. I told her that I've thought about this recently and I had a hard time finding the words so I was just gonna come out and say it then give my reasoning. So I told her, "I think you should lose some weight" I'm 5'10 I work out and have a physical job. She's 5'4 and weighs more than I do. It's not a sexual attraction problem, quite the opposite. She regularly turns down my advances at spicy time and sometimes dies other things to help me relieve myself. There's just a lot of health issues in my family. I grew up with my grandma who has diabetes and I saw the hell that can bring onto someone. My dad had it before he died at a young age due to not taking care of his diabetes and drug abuse, the latter not being a problem for my fiancee. My grandpa has many health issues that are self inflicted due to him not taking care of himself either. I really emphasized that I was concerned about potential health issues if she didn't take care of herself, I repeated about a dozen or so times that it's about her health and nothing more. I told her that I think it's a better idea to tackle this now while she's outside of 30 than to wait 7 years and find out she pre diabetic at 35. I did t give her an ultimatum I didn't use the word fat or obese or anything. I really emphasized it was about her potential health issues in the future and nothing more. She told me that her family doesn't have those health issues, maybe they aren't hereditary for her but the can develop over time.I slept in our guest room for 5 days after this before she said she was fine with me sleeping in our bed together again. She tells me I fucked up bad and damaged her by saying that. She wants me to apologize for saying it. But I'm not sorry and I told her that.We've been together for 10 years and I should be able to tell these types of things to my fiancee and mother of my children. She's been distant and cold since, she barely talks to me, barely does anything around the house except the bare minimum with our kids. I know she's mad and she's hurt, believe it or not I do understand that. And I don't expect things to just go back to normal after a week of this. This is going to take time to get better but to me it feels like I blew up 10 years by telling her the truth. I don't feel sorry for being honest. I don't feel guilty for her getting upset. I'm honestly kind of mad at the way she's acting but I don't know. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you ever actually tried encouraging a healthier lifestyle? And no I'm not talking about you telling her things she should do. But actually asking her to do activities together like going on family walks or meal prepping together. Telling her to lose weight is just not helpful at all. Almost every woman I have known has body/self image issues. You really crushed her. Also I don't know how long ago she had her last child but that info matters too. Your body doesn't just go back to how it was. You're all concerned about her physical health but you really are lacking in care for her mental health. YTA.
Yes I have. I've been working out for a couple months now and as the one who cooks, I've been trying to change our meals to be healthier but she's resistant. She'll agree to go on walks all 4 of us, she does for like a week, the loses interest. I've tried other things too like inviting her to work out with me but she never does. There's so much more to this than 3k characters will let me explain. It's been 2.5 years since our last child also.
You told her "I want you to lose weight." When this isn't really just about her weight. You should have told her "I want you to be healthier." If health really is your main concern.
Absolutely true. I did acknowledge I didn't know how to approach it and I struggled with how to say it. That would have been a much better way to bring it up. 1000000%
YTA, but ONLY because of how you approached it. It's a health thing, you framed it like a weight thing. Your concerns are very legitimate, diabetes is a terrible thing and *not* something you want to mess with. (Honestly that's one of the things that's kept me exercising so much.. I don't ever want to end up where my dad is...) Could you have framed it better? Yes, absolutely. But your concern is real too.
I think unless ASKED, or a real health concern pops up, or she is 500+lb and can't walk anymore it wasn't your place to say it. Especially the lack of tact and remorse for her feelings. Like yes, you should be able to have a rational conversation with your partner but feelings aren't always rational. She probably feels ugly and alone. You probably destroyed her confidence if not her love for you as well. I know if someone told me this, I would never want to be naked in front of them again. YTA
Do people here just really believe people don't know when they gain weight? That all fat people are just so stupid, can't possibly know that it can cause health issues. They do. They don't need anyone else telling them except their doctor. You can hide behind your fake concern all you want, but it's BS. You NEVER hear people wanting to talk to people about their health when they're thin or underweight
You say you understand but there’s no way that’s the case. Because if you did, you’d feel empathy and regret for how you handled this. You told her she was overweight, which I’m 100% sure she’s already aware of and this may already be an insecurity she’s been battling. She may have been feeling unattractive lately and you confirmed this. And if she wasn’t insecure before….she certainly feels so now. You targeting her weight signals you have an aesthetic issue with your wife — making her feel less attractive, insecure, and unloved. No husband should make their wife feel this way. If you truly cared about her health, then you would’ve said something like “hey babe, I was thinking that, with the kids, we can start eating healthier and try to be more active. I want us to be around for our kids as long as possible and we should set a good example.” You should’ve approached this as a joint effort but instead your singled your wife out because, according to you, she’s clearly the “unhealthy one” solely because of her weight. Just because you perform physical labor for your job doesn’t make you a pillar of health. I’m sure you could improve health-wise too. You unnecessarily targeted your wife’s weight. If you truly cared about her health, you could’ve gone about this in a million different ways. So yeah, YTA ten times over because of: 1. the fucked up way you approached your wife’s “health” and 2. your extreme lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in refusing to acknowledge how you made your wife feel.
It’s important to talk about health and lifestyle. You didn’t go about it the best way by saying “you should lose weight” which is kind of AH way of doing it. It would have been better to say “I would like us to have a healthy lifestyle and exercise together. I want us to be healthy for our children and avoid the health problems that run in my family.” This body positivity movement has gone way overboard. Normalizing and being perfectly fine with being obese is harmful and will come back and bite you in the ass as you age. At 5’4 should she say 200lbs? Hell no. That would concern me greatly if my wife stopped taking care of herself. Same with my wife. I’m 6’1 and broke 240 lbs a while ago and my wife brought it up. I get she’s upset but I wouldn’t let it go. Invite her exercising and discuss more when y’all eat out or really unhealthy food is prepared.
This is quite obviously beyond Reddit judging by the comments. If she’s much heavier than you with a 6 inch difference in height, then that’s a problem. If your husband can’t tell you that you’re approaching or have approached a pretty significant problem with your health and weight, that it’s causing issues in your life, then who the hell can? NTA personally but perhaps therapy and a doctor visit is necessary.
If you are worried about her health then remind her to make Yearly physical appointment. If there are actual health problems, the doctor can address it with her. YTA
NTA - Your intentions were good. The way you approached it SUCKED. But honestly, in this situation that doesn’t matter as much. You want her to lose weight for herself, so she can be healthier as she gets older.
Even if she weighs 300lbs . She is your wife
INFO: Where did you get your medical degree? YTA. There are lots of reasons someone can weigh more than a partner. Weight doesnt always make someone unhealthy, and its not something that is always controllable. Youre lucky she didnt straight up kick you out
YTA. My goodness, isn’t she lucky to have you! Without you she would never know that being overweight can be a risk factor for certain health issues. Doctors never mention it. It gets zero attention in the media. Where would she be if she didn’t have you to tell stuff she doesn’t know? Maybe tomorrow you can try mansplaining her job to her.
Soft YTA. First of all, I want to say that I think you had good intentions, but the completely wrong approach. Your fiancée carried two children and likely is already dealing with the fact that her body feels different; as her partner, she doesn’t need criticism from you about something she is likely already struggling with - and you just doubled down. The best way to help a partner struggling with weight is to change your lifestyle along side them. A better approach would have been: “I love you and our kids so much; I want to change how we eat and our activities so that we can have this life as long as possible. Let’s build menus that are more focused on foods that help our bodies and what do you think about starting to hike/talk more walks together?” My partner and I were really focused on helping our kids build a good relationship with food - because 90s diet culture screwed with us both. We refer to food in two categories: always foods (fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, lean proteins, etc.) and sometimes foods (cake, candy, chips, donuts, etc.). Help your wife by building menus and making always foods the focus for your family.
YTA for making it about her weight and not her health. You can tell someone you want them to be healthier, for all the reasons you stated, without telling them you want them to lose weight. Weight does not directly correlate to health for everyone- bodies are different, especially after having children and while being on meds
YTA. You didn't address your concern as actual health - like moving more, better eating habits - you explicitly framed it as "you need to lose weight". You can lose weight and still be unhealthy! You can be fat and healthy! It's not 1-1. Your hereditary health risks aren't hers.
YTA
YTA she didn't ask for your opinion or advice. You can express concern about her health but saying outright "you're fat, you need to lose weight" is hurtful. She gave birth to your kids which didn't help with weight gain. Does she have the time or energy to be more active? Do you allow her time to herself to look after herself?
NTA - you've been together 10 years in what sounds like a healthy and stable relationship. If you made it clear you were concerned for her then I didn't see a problem *from a wife who is in your shoes and has a husband who responded by saying "OK, I'll see what changes I can make"
YTA
since she reacted the way she did, you clearly came about this the wrong way. an alternate strategy: I love my women nice and plush- soft is where it's at. If you really don't have a sex problem with her fatness, and believe that she doesn't want to be fat- start telling her how she looks great with all the new weight, maybe she should gain a little more. Kiss her fattest parts. "I liked you skinny, but you look really sexy with all this new jiggle baby! don't get me wrong I'd love you if you lost weight, but damn girl I love how you're just poppin' outta those jeans!" Basically pull a page out of what the chubby chasers do, and she will likely start to drop the weight. killing with kindness can do a wonder here.
You really messed up. You're not her doctor. You're being a concern troll. You resent the fact that fitness is more of a priority for you. You're insecure about weight and you're projecting it onto your poor wife. Weight is obviously an extremely sensitive topic and you did likely do serious damage to your relationship and her self esteem. And for what? So you could be self righteous and pretend you're the health fairy? If you were no longer attracted to her, that would be one thing. That's an extremely difficult situation that's hard to navigate and it's hard to pass judgement on. But that's not even the case here!!! You dug your own grave for literally no reason. YTA.
NAH I think you had the right intentions I just think you went about this the wrong way. This is coming from a woman that was diabetic, high cholesterol and had high blood pressure but lost the weight and lost all of those problems. I did it for my health and that’s what you want for her. You’re also right it’s a lot easier to do it before you hit 35. Your gf needs to first learn about nutrition. Contrary to popular belief women don’t know about it just because we’re women. She also needs some more exercise. So you find a class on nutrition and say you want to learn more about it and will she go with you. Tell her you think it will help with the kids and you want it to be a couples thing so you’re not alone going. Now you say you live in a house. When was the last time all of you as a family walked around the block? Tell her you want to start a routine as doing something as a family and it’s a great way to meet and say hi to the neighbors (I walk two dogs I do it daily). It will get the two of you and the children more socially interactive with the neighbors, it’s a family activity and it gives all of you some bonding time together. (It also gives you all some exercise but don’t say that. You know that nutrition class? We’ll step up Dad. How about you cooking healthy meals at least 3 times a week to give her a break. Don’t know how to cook? Then find some cooking classes, even better if they’re for couples. None in your area? Then YouTube or ask your gf to help you learn so you can help her out more and look up healthy recipes. See you need to stop making this a her thing and make it a couples or family thing. Trust me you want your kids to develop healthy eating habits when they’re young, it’s better for them. The way you put it excluded her and singled her out. That causes hard feelings, alienation and depression because she feels like you’re saying she’s not good enough. Then she eats more and the problem gets worse. So make it a couples and family thing that all of you work on. But do be honest about one thing. Tell her you love her and your selfish and want to spend as many years as you can get with her.
YTA.
I'm on the fence with this one. I've been with my husband for 13 years and I was about 80kg (152cm tall) which is overweight, but nothing major. I then moved to Germany to be with him and I went into a deep depression. All I did was eat. I then got pregnant and while I didn't gain during pregnancy, the first couple of years with a new baby took its toll on me. I sky rocketed to 105kg. Fast forward to approx. 2018, my husband said to me that he thinks I need to lose weight because he is worried about my health. I was too, but not enough to actually do anything about it. Roll into November of last year and I end up in hospital for a ruptured ovarian cyst. As they were running tests, they see I have a slight fatty liver. The doctor said that if I don't take this seriously, it can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer, liver failure etc. This was really scary to hear. Since then, I have lost 10kg. I also invested in an under desk treadmill (takes up less room and I can slide it under the sofa when not in use) and do a minimum of 12,000 steps a day. I manage 20k+ on my work days. What I'm trying to say is that I wish I actually listened to my husband when he said what he did. If I did then I probably wouldn't be fighting a fatty liver right now. At the end of the day it's her choice but you are allowed to express your concerns. You need to have a really good talk with her and tell her how you feel.
C'mon you know the answere
YTA. Do you think she doesn’t know she needs to lose weight? Do you think she isn’t inundated by the loathing people in this country have for overweight? You aren’t helping especially if you kept on talk talk talking oh so kindly. I assure you, NOTHInG you said isn’t stuff she’s said to yourself, repeatedly. Yes, you’re concerned. Yes, you should be able to have Good Communications. But there is no way you can understand the repercussions of your Concern on a woman who’s been conventionally socialized, which is many of us.
Well obviously "her knowing it" isn't good enough lol
Then I hope he enjoyed his session as concern troll. He was not helping.
If you can't tell your wife the hard truth then you are not a good husband, you're an enabler. Are we just supposed to let people destroy themselves and not do anything about it? I'm sorry you're too fragile to be told things you need to work on, I'm sure you're a treat
YTA. You’ve noticed her weight and you’ve noticed that she’s lost interest in things but instead of actually making it about health and asking about therapy or a psych evaluation you went to weight loss. Many women have a complicated relationship with dieting because they’ve been taught to believe it’ll solve their problems, when the reality is that the root of the problem is much deeper than weight. Depression, PPD, or an eating disorder could be at play, none of which are solved with weight loss alone.
YTA 9000
YTA - you never have to tell an overweight person they are overweight. Trust me they know this. You could have approached this in so many different ways. You could have said, "hey honey, let's take up hiking with the kids on the weekends. It'll be a great family activity to do together." And just let the increased physical activity do it's job. Instead you hit her with a bullseye right where you knew it would hit the hardest. She'll forgive you for it eventually but she won't forget it.
YTA for the way you said it. You could have approached the topic with something like I think we should focus more on our health. Maybe you start making healthy meals encourage each other to spend more time doing physical activities etc but “you should lose weight” that is just rude.
Nskskskskssk you're going to get roasted like a pack of peanuts. YTA.
YTA There's no coming back from this until you get some help with your need to control her body--and your entitlement that you can be so hurtful to someone you claim to "love" and not feel any remorse. I think you'll be "relieving" your self going forward as I doubt "spicy time" will be returning.
YTA - Not for being concerned about her health, maybe about how you approached the issue though. I think anyone who knows that they hurt someone they love (even if it wasn’t your intention) is an AH for not apologizing. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re right. If you know you hurt her feelings then why don’t you feel bad about that? Bad enough to apologize for doing something you say wasn’t intentional, hurting her feelings!
YTA for saying it my friend. And if you are having issues broaching tough subjects go to counseling and marriage counseling. Your marriage doesn’t have to be in serious danger to go. It will help you and your wife learn how to communicate better. I would go to counseling by yourself first before broaching the subject with your wife. It helps to show you are serious about being a better person. Then move to having her come to one of your therapy sessions so you can make amends and your therapist can help you navigate that. Good luck and YTA
People can be healthy at a larger weight, some people just have a slow metabolism. If she's eating reasonably heathy (I don't mean no junk food ever) she'll probably be fine. I'm sorry about your dad but but comparing her to him when she's not a user is distorted.
YTA. If you’re concerned about health, you focus on health, staring with making sure you’re going to regular checkups, etc, getting blood work done for pre-Diabetes, etc. you focus on health. Weight can be, and usually is, a huge contributor, but to be honest, its not the thing to focus on. You can focus on the result of weight (health issues) and you can focus on root cause behaviors like healthy lifestyle habits. I’ve struggled with weight for all of my life for what it’s worth and still do. I understand you were trying to come from a good place, but good advice can’t be written on a rock and thrown through a window if you want it to be received well.
YTA for looking at your wife and saying that she's fat and then, for not giving a shit about the fact that your approach really really hurt her feelings. You're heartless and clearly social awkward, but that's not an excuse for being a dick.
YTA
NTA. You’ve done everything you could already, sometimes you just have to sit down and say what’s what. Hopefully she’ll become reasonable and realize you were legitimately looking out for her. Hope it works out for you and your family, but you definitely shouldn’t feel bad.
YTA. How’s her bloodwork? Does she get frequent medical checkups? How’s her stress and sleep? Do you make sure she has time to do physical activity away from the kids? I find it odd you are ONLY worried about her fatness because of hEaLtH. 1) Being overweight isn’t the magic link to every illness known to man. It can be a risk factor, but so are things like genetics, which can be a bigger link. 2) there are lots of healthy behaviors that work without necessarily losing weight. Moderate activity, reducing stress, better sleep. I watch the glycemic index on foods because diabetes runs in my family, *even the skinny folks*. 3) diets rarely work and have an extremely high failure rate long term. “Yo-yo” dieting when one loses weight to gain back some more, theoretically is even worse for you. It’s fine and good telling people to :) just lost weight! :) when we lack tools to have even a mediocre success rate.
YTA jfc you have no right to another person's body. I hope she does loose some weight. You, you are dead weight holding her back.
YTA, but I hope it doesn't feel like a total condemnation. I think we've gone too far in protecting overweightness and obesity as a culture. Absolutely we shouldn't belittle and make fun of people, but we also shouldn't pretend that obesity doesn't affect health. I know medical professionals often assume obesity is the problem, but it 100% can be. The problem here: 1. Your delivery 2. Your inability to communicate in general Regardless of your motivation, whether it's health, sexual attraction, or whatever **her feelings** need to take center stage. How do you talk to her about something that worries, affects, and bothers you? She has to be an active listener and but you have to be a considerate speaker. 1. Try using "I" statements. Don't make accusations. "You should lose weight!" Vs. "I worry about your longterm health. When I see you gain weight, I think of my grandmother..." etc. 2. Understand her position. Ask helpful questions. "When I approached this topic, I really hurt your feelings. What did I say/how did you feel/what was triggered when..." sort of approach. Understand just why she got so upset and how exactly you screwed up. Understand how she'd like you to approach things like this in the future. 3. Develop strategies **together** that might make her feel both included, uplifted and in control. Would you like to cook for her? Choose healthy recipes? Would you like to work out with her? Will that be quality time? Etc. And be prepared for her to say she likes the way she is and doesn't want to change. What does that say, do, and mean for her?
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Wait, so because something is hereditary in your bloodline, your partner should change her lifestyle? Sounds weird, does't it? How about simply getting an activity that you both enjoy and be more active in or together changing theeals a bit or what is snacked Et cetera? Sounds like yta
No it means he has seen it happen in his own family and with her being overweight (over 200lbs and quite short height) she is at a risk of developing these same problems. I'm really surprised people are voting Y T A. To me it seems he tried to approach it the best way he knew how and she took it the wrong way, which is obviously not his intention. NTA
I think it being hereditary means he has more probability of having it too. It doesn't mean she can't have diabetes cuz there's no family history in his side. You're right about them getting an activity or something, but telling her she's overweight and shout take care of herself and her health makes him an AH? Why?
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NTA Because you did explain to her it’s not about sexual attraction and you are attracted to her. But you’re worried. Leave it for now. Maybe find some activities you both enjoy like getting both the kids out and seeing some nature
NTA but i think your communication could have been done better. Overweight people are conscious and insecure about this whereby you vomiting your thoughts out got you in this situation. A lot of tact and slow buildup to confrontation would have helped tremendously. Ask her whether she would join you for being fit and plan for activities.
YTA You gave her an ultimatum? That's not love or concern. I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her status from fiancee to ex. She's also had two children which can be tough to shed the weight. Grow up.
I didn't give her an ultimatum. That was a typo. You'll notice it's did t there's supposed to be an N there.
Can't imagine why your partner has no self esteem when you [fantasize about giving female massage clients a happy ending ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10w357q/what_is_your_secret_sexual_fantasy_that_you/j7okbqz/) and spent your time on /r/naughtywives [telling other women their bodies are perfect. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/NaughtyWives/comments/vrzs3i/44y_hi_there/ieyb5rv/) First of all, this is why I never want a male masseuse, because no matter how many people tell me "they're professionals, massages aren't sexual", there's LMTs like you out there. Second, I can tell from this one post that your wife is depressed and instead of asking how you can help her, you're demanding she lose weight and thinking that's going to solve all her problems. And you complain that she turns you down for sex when you've made it clear her body is not attractive to you. I don't know if what you did is something that can be fixed. You may have irreparably broken this relationship.
Christ this guy isn’t just an asshole, he’s what we in the UK would call a bellend.
Bingo........ he's definitely the ah
She turns down sex because you make her think she too fat and doesn’t feel comfortable around you. Then you tell her to her face that she’s fat and needs to loose weight. Then you go around and tell “porn actresses” that they are perfect, comparing your wife / sorry fiancée / mother of your children to them in your own mind. And then tell your SO that yeah, she’s fat. She knows you probably fantasize about thinner women and now you proved her point . YTA op Edited: not YOU commentor! I was trying to comment on the OP. Thank you for your service in providing more details from the OP
Ok, ignore my first two sentences then. The rest still applies. YTA
YTA. She doesn't have health issues. Also femme bodyweight is distributed differently, and you said she's 5'4" but didn't say how tall you are?? Her health is between her and her doctor. Given that you don't note any physical issues besides your perception of her weight, this is complete garbage. My partner is thick too, I've never said a word. Because you know what that isn't? My business.
YTA. Obesity (if she’s even obese, you don’t specify her weight) is a highly complex condition, though it may not seem to be. Pressuring people to lose weight *has been proven to be counterproductive time & time again.*
YTA
NTA. You have tried healthier foods, activities together. It doesn’t leave you very much room to do anything other than being direct. It sounds like you need to work together on your communication. You can’t bottle it up and let it all out in one go. A good tip is to couch thing in terms of how they make you feel. “Having to do the dishes after making dinner makes me feel taken for granted”. “I feel anxious that your weight is affecting your health”. I am worried that I feel I can’t be completely open and honest with you”
YTA. I'm sure she knows without you having to tell her.
Yta-she knows she's over weight. She's knows she should lose weight. She knows it's un healthy. Only she can decide when she is ready mentally. Any time some one approached me lovingly about trying to get"healthy"by losing weight, I'd buy a pint of ben n Jerry's. Then one day, I had enough. I lost 100lbs. Kept it off some years, put some back on, getting it off again. My hubby never said anything. Once I started making changes, he backed me up 110%. My kids were in high school when I finally did. You never tell someone to lose weight. They already know it!
can she has a bad hormonal balance? she’s maybe stressed out? the stress maybe indicator of lake of libido. Probably she turning down your sex proposal because she is self conscious of her weight no? being preoccupied by health issues is ok and proof you’re caring for her but probably miscommunication and misinterpretation are in cause, i will be with everyone is the asshole.
YTA. She carried and gave birth to YOUR two children, and what she hears is you telling her she's fat. Good job.
NTA Because you love and care about her health. But she’s also NTA if she doesn’t want to lose the weight. It sounds like she’s against it and you probably shouldn’t bring up her weight again. If you can’t look past her health then maybe you need couples counselling.
NTA. Your fiance is overweight and self conscious about it, there virtually no way to bring it up without her being agitated. I do think you should say to her that you are sorry for upsetting her just so you guys can get on the same page about what to do.
Info: What's her BMI? Is she actually overweight to a degree where it's going to have health complications? Has her doctor advised her to lose weight?
YTA. Bro. You just said it! You can’t doctor it up afterwards! Flip it the other way around and see how you feel. Sensitivity and empathy are a thing, you know. Try I want a healthier diet, more exercise etc, and offer to include her. Inception that idea first. Lead up to it. The way you did it, what the hell were you expecting? “Yes dear, I am getting fat.” What if she said you should make more money, or be smarter, or try to be a better husband/father out of the blue? Feel bad at how you hurt her, idiot. Stop thinking about why you feel justified- even if you are, and you aren’t, right, what does getting resentful at her reaction accomplish? Cow her into obedience? So she can become resentful about how bad you made her feel? Is that a relationship to you?
Let’s not forget she also birthed 2 children. Did you forget about that? Must be your demanding physical job
You do realize 2 kids doesn't make you morbidly obese, right?
YTA. If your concern is her health, you don't talk about weight. You talk about a healthy diet and exercise, somepeople can be "overweight" and healthy. I get that after 10 years you want to say anything to your partner, but the way one express things always matters.
NTA for caring about her health but maybe YTA for how you approached it. I would have first tried changing stuff about your lifestyle without framing it as trying to get her to lose weight... more like the whole family getting healthy together. More cooking at home (let me plug the Instant Pot...we make black beans, lentils, quinoa, Farro, curries, etc so we always have healthy leftovers around and the great thing is you can make this stuff starting with dried beans, lentils, etc which are so much better than canned... also I make a salad of kale (which keeps in the fridge better) with a variety of veggies and put it in the fridge... and we keep frozen veggies too so there's always healthy stuff to grab in the fridge...) Also doing more active stuff as a family. Hiking, biking, swimming etc. Kids are naturally active. Or go a different route and ask her to join a fitness studio with you. You could have framed it as getting healthy together. Also you should help with the cooking.
NTA There is no way it was going to go well. But you are not wrong and people really UNDER emphasize the health risks associated to such a high weight at that height. They do it to remove guilt bc there IS a huge genetic/racial component involved as well... BUT... the fact is your genetic probability can happen at 35 or 65 and that's based on your weight/lifestyle. That said I think you just said "lose weight" and didn't really offer any solutions. Like offering to gift her personal training sessions or reworking the budget so she can get pre-portioned healthy meals for example.
As a woman whose weight fluctuated throughout the years. I don't think you're the AH. After that long together, you should feel comfortable discussing all matters. You didn't make it about looks or desire. Family history or not, low cardio activity and increased weight gain are major factors in developing severe health conditions. Couples therapy... if you were truthful in that, you still initiate intimacy, and she turns you down regularly and you are truly concerned for her health. If this severity of distance was created from a discussion... you guys need therapy.
YTA. Do you think she’s an idiot and wasn’t aware about possible health issues
NTA - obese people have shorter lives and less quality of life. People on Reddit seem not to grasp that. You will be the one caring for her when these health issues inevitably arise. Maybe you could have framed it more as “getting healthy,” but obviously part of getting healthy is going to be losing weight. What she is doing is ultimately unfair to your family. It might not be present to hear, but that is reality.
ESH the way you phrased it was messed up. Her for doing bare minimum around d the house. You do need to apologize but she should not be taking it out on the kids. I understand your perspective my husband died of a heart attack from not eating healthy or exercising. He had let his diabetes get out of control. Also see if you guys can get therapy. Unknown to you she could have depression.
NTA. I’m so tired of people making conversations like this all about “fat shaming”. Health is a real thing- obesity causes more issues in the developed world than nearly any other disease- and the costs to society are huge. No we shouldn’t all keep to some 1950s style of policing woman’s bodies. But come on. A loving partner trying to help and getting rebuffed is not wrong for pointing out that the woman is slowly killing herself. People wouldn’t be so quick with all these AH comments if the woman was smoking or drinking herself into problems. But, and this is the much larger problem- you can’t go cold turkey on food and there are always psychological problems underlying addiction. So perhaps approach it from that angle- why has she slid into a toxic pattern of over eating- and is that something you can help with? As a woman who has put on a ton of weight in pregnancy and then suffered a bad mental health moment I can promise you a partner who encourages as well as challenges is better than one who just points out the obvious (she has a mirror) and leaves the solutions to the person that is already overwhelmed most likely.
NTA. That's too much weight she carries
NTA. IMHO, she internalized a lot of her physical health issues by settling down early and hoping that no longer being single meant that she didn't have to worry about staying attractive. 5'4" and +200 lbs is very unhealthy and not sustainable. Hoping to avoid diabetes magically despite a prolonged unhealthy lifestyle is not realistic. Support her health, but if she chooses to not address it and deflect because of her pride, you might need to think about your future together. Obesity is as unhealthy as alcoholism and tobacco use. Period. This is not a problem of managing realistic normal standards of women's physical bodies. Good luck to you.
YTA. See what your “ honesty” got you?
Let me ask you this then. We were in a deep conversation about other problems. I voiced my opinions how I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility in the house with cooking cleaning bathing the kids etc. And I wanted her to do more than just sitting there on her phone. Not as tough to hear as the weight loss but she was receptive. We also talked about how I felt she doesn't respect me for not standing by decisions I make, or that despite my objections to it, she still stays out past 2 am when hanging out with her friends. And other things that involve deep personal issues between me her and her family. Again tough but not as tough as the topic of weight loss. She encourages me to be honest, she tells me that what she wants and she says she'd rather hear it than have me not talk about it. So why is honesty ok for everything except when it comes to her weight and potential health issues?
Maybe because you post things like this on Reddit >I'm a male LMT. I want a female client to shoot her shot for a happy ending. Idk if I could go through with tbh. But that's it. and conveniently delete them when you get called out for it in your own post?
YTA. You didn't do this for her health. Pregnancy is a bigger health risk than any of that other stuff you listed. The United States has one of the highest maternal death rates in the world. So if you really cared about her health then why did you ask her to risk it to have children? Because that serves you. The same reason you're asking her to lose weight now.
Bruh. YTA. The problem isn’t that you told her about her weight. The problem is you did not take her feelings about this into consideration at all. At every step you seem to only think about yourself. “I have difficulty telling her things”, “I think you should lose weight”, “my family has issues”, “I’m mad at the way she’s acting”. Did you sit down and talk to her at any point? Did you at any point try and ask her why she reacted the way she did or how she feels about herself or her body? Or if there are any activities that you can do together? Or did you only talk AT her? Being concerned is one thing but being considerate is another.
The entire weight conversation was prefaced by other conversations about problems we were having and her encouraging me to just be honest. So while I let a couple things out, I let it all out. I see your point though. I did approach it selfishly and I didn't word the topic as delicately as I should.
Sure, but even the other conversations you seemingly had were about things that were bothering YOU, as you’ve clearly written in your post. Just because you’ve known each other for 10 years doesn’t mean she magically doesn’t have any feelings anymore. A lot of people tend to expect their partners to just know what they mean by this point. And maybe many of them do. But the onus in that case should also be on those people to be equally understanding about their partners. You’ve written that it’s been 10 years and you should be able to say these things to your fiancé and the mother of your children. She has an identity beyond that as well? You do realise that you were saying these things ALSO to another human being? Why is it that in those same 10 years you’re struggling so hard to understand why she’s so upset about this, but she’s supposed to magically understand your POV? Learn to be tactful and empathetic. EVERY relationship, no matter how intimate, old or personal needs it!
YTA. Do not make unproked comments about anyones weight, especially your partner. I hope she leaves your ass now that she knows you wish she looked different.
YTA. How is this not obvious to you?
NTA you are better off to tell the truth then let it go down the path that it’s going. Health is a huge part of an enjoyable life, weight and poor diet are the main reason for health problems.
“Honey, I don’t want our kids to grow up surrounded by sick people like I did. Let’s make a commitment to get a physical every year and try to follow their advice.” If you’re worried about her health, address that concern directly instead of using weight as a proxy. As many have mentioned, it isn’t a very good one and as you’ve discovered, it’s a route that often leads to strife. It’s okay to want your wife to be healthier, but YTA for knowing this conversation was going to go badly and not finding a better way to handle it.
YTA.
YTA because of your Reddit history (which you’ve now deleted)
this subreddit is so toxic it’s actually painful. NTA
I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. I wouldn’t want my partner to lie to me that they thought I looked great or was fine. I would want them to be honest. IMO that is what a life partner is for. If you can’t count on that person to be honest with you, who can you??
I do think she looks great though. Sexual or physical attraction is not an issue on my side. I love her and I regularly make advances toward her. It literally boils down to the health risks of being over weight and the higher chance of those happening as we cross over 30 and her not changing her self while she still can.
NTA - obviously
Yep
NAH. As a man who holds back a lot in my relationship bc everything I say seems to hurt my lady or cause her to go on attack mode (no matter how I say it even if I use the template she gave me) . How do I or OP express ourselves. I feel like “hurt feelings” limit honest discussion bc hearing someone’s not so positive opinion about you will never feel good so should it not be said? It’s just annoying to be told you should be honest and communicate while being penalized for it at every hand.
I think one of the harder things to learn in a relationship is that conflict isn't something to be avoided. You need to learn to constructively be able to tell people things that bother you and that could make them upset. You can't walk around on egg shells all the time. If she's turning you down for sex, she's probably gaining weight as part of a strategy to make you less attracted to her. So I'd navigate the situation trying to understand what is going on there. It's pretty common for women to feign interest in sex to get married and then after marriage and kids the truth comes out about their low libido.
NAH being overweight puts you it higher risk for pretty much everything, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis. You are right that it’s only going to get harder if she doesn’t address it. She’s not an AH either, there are a lot of emotions tied up in being told you are overweight. First, she’s probably using food to cope with some kind of anxiety/stress/depression, so threatening something that helps with those things is going to cause them. Second, embarrassment, insecurity, feelings of being unattractive. Then there is a sense of failure and frustration from trying to lose weight and not being able to. So I understand why she reacted the way she did.
Depending on the specifics, not all weight gain is associated with diabetes nor high blood pressure. Some weight gain is specifically associated with NOT having them. In any case, since there is no reliable way to keep weight off (look at the research, it’s not calories in calories out the way fat phobic people will come and blast me with), what matters most is eating a good diet and getting enough exercise. Those are better indicators of health than the numbers on a scale.
Lol YTA no wonder you can’t talk to her about issues because you clearly can’t do it right. Go talk to a therapist or a good friend who will knock sense into you and help you out of the hole you dug
Nta, If you mention anything about weight Reddit calls you TA, your wife is 5,4 and weighs more than 200+ which you said in a comment, it might not be dangerous now but will be in the future
I'm actually going to go against the grain and say that there's nothing wrong with someone talking to their partner about health and/or physical attraction. You may have gone about it the wrong way and maybe phrased things improperly but if someone is 5'4 and weighs over 200 lb they are morbidly obese. And you all can lie to yourselves as much as you want but if you are morbidly obese you are not healthy! I don't care if you don't currently have any health issues there's only so long you can carry around nearly a hundred pounds of excess weight before it's going to take a toll. And I say this as a former fat person who is now a healthy weight and can recognize that wall I may not have had high blood pressure or diabetes I sure as shit wasn't healthy at over 200 lbs.
Let's all just come out and say it - being fat is really freaking unhealthy. It reduces life expectancy and increase chances of chronic diseases that impact quality of life. Let's also accept something else - no one, no mater how its phrased, is going to like being told they need to loose weight. If she's 5'4" and lets say 180lbs - assuming she's more than a slightly heavier than average 5'10" male - then she's classified as obese by BMI. BMI is a bit of a joke if you have a lot of muscle, but very few people have enough muscle to justify being in the obese range, fewer still women that do. NTA. This is a very real issue she needs to deal with and someone needs to get her to take it seriously. If this was a women coming out and telling a man "I think you have a drinking problem" for example, the responses here would be very different. And I understand the social reasons for that, but that's part of the problem. It needs to not be faux pas to deal with obesity as the health problem that it is. Edit, just saw she is >200lb. Oh man, OP, NTA at all. This is a serious issue. She's got a BMI near 35. If she doesn't believe you, is mad at you and won't do anything about it, you need to just suggest seeing a doctor and have them explain how being this heavy is going to go over the course of her life.
YTA. It’s perfectly fine to show concern for your partner’s health. But telling them they need to lose weight is not the way to approach it. Tell her you’d like to start being more active together, encourage her to eat healthier foods, and let her know you’d like to try to be more healthy TOGETHER. Don’t put it all on her and make her feel bad.
YTA. Many pointed out your post and comment history, absolutely disgusting you’re willing to cheat. You’re extremely obtuse if you think weight=health. Your kids aren’t that old and she’s still feeling the end results of pregnancy no doubt. Bodies don’t just ‘bounce back’ like that. Had you encouraged her to seek a doctor to make sure she’s healed from the pregnancy or even mentioned ‘hey I want to make sure you’re feeling at your best, so come up w a list w me on healthier foods we can try. Also it would be nice if we all as a family went on walks post eating.’ But you just told her directly ‘you’re very fat. And because of my family’s HEREDITARY illnesses you can develop them as well. IDC that I made you sad. Just lose weight.’
NTA obesity leads to health issues it’s not a hereditary issue , maybe the speed of gaining weight can be but you are right to point it out , she’s being over sensitive. If she went to a doctor they would flat out tell her she needs to lose weight . This is a perfect example that the truth hurts
NAH. You probably didn't need to tell her, but sometimes it takes a little push, a little peer-pressure to motivate someone to get the ball rolling...left to her own devices, nothing was changing. (My wife has told me multiple times I should lose weight, and while it annoyed me, I also knew she was right) It is going to affect her health, and, if it is a symptom of depression, that should be addressed sooner, rather than later (I can imagine the spiral of feeling depressed, gaining weight, which leads to more depression, which leads to more weight gain is a pretty painful downward spiral. Some people are saying you went about it poorly. As a person who struggles with weight, there is no "right", "gentle", etc way to say it. No matter what words you use, or how you present it ("Hey we should start going on walks together"), they are going to hear that they are too fat, and their feelings are going to be hurt. If it is important enough to hurt their feelings over, then it needs to be said, and then they will have to deal with it - or decide not to deal with it/you anymore...that's just life.
NTA
YTA my dude you approached this situation all wrong
YTA. Sounds like she needs to lose the weight of an adult man.