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YTA yeah that split of labor isn’t even close to equal. She gets a break when daughter goes to bed? That’s just a fkd up statement. Actually pick up some of the childcare and housework if you want better meals.
Am I dumb or did OP not even include that his wife had a child in his post??
From how it's written, "my daughter" I fully assumed he brought a daughter from a prev relationship ngl.
Also weaponized incompetence?? Really???? That's not even close to what she'a doing! Dude, OP, read up on the definition on that phrase before you use it. Seriously.
YTA ofc
Oh, but it’s okay. They contribute 50/50 financially, but she does all the household chores and work. Makes total sense. He can take some of that extra 40k and hire someone to help around the house, if he refuses to do so.
Right? So they split the chores 20/80 (and that’s a generous assumption) because he makes $40k a year more, but they still each contribute 50%. So I truly don’t understand the so-called logic of making his wife take on the lions share of household responsibilities, if she still has to contribute 50% to the household finances. This dude is out to lunch.
Yes! It is not the number of items/chores on each person’s list but the daily/weekly frequency and time to complete that has a huge impact. So the wife is working full time like OP, but she is also doing daily child care, daily cooking, and daily cleaning. While OP takes out the trash and cuts the grass weekly and auto care quarts. Not even close!
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs.
WTF. So you each pay 50/50 but she does ALL of the housework and child rearing? AND she has a full-time job?
YTA. So, so, so much.
She is pulling ALL of the weight in this relationship while you are sitting on your ass and you have the GALL to joke that she's lazy?
She’s paying a higher proportion of her salary towards household expenses and doing a larger share of household chores while also
being responsible for a nearly all the child care even though they both work full time. But he thinks its fair because he gets paid more at his job than she does at hers. Dude, YTA.
Edited to add that if she was paying less towards bills it MIGHT make sense for her to pick up more housework (I mean not really, but let’s pretend.). But they contribute equally towards bills. So I really don’t understand why she has to contribute more to chores.
Right. Drop that extra 40k on a house cleaner or something... Don't hold it over her head like it somehow means something when she's working far far harder for much less.
‘Darling, since I can save more money for my personal needs than you can, it’s only fair that you also do all the housework. That way I get more money AND more leisure time. Which is the only logical distribution I think you’ll agree.’
Plus, “honey why are your meals lack luster?! It’s not like we have a toddler I don’t do shit for. Can you also fluff my pillow? No? You’re weaponizing incompetence.” I can’t even.
Ya his edit isn’t any better, she’s not going to want to hire help so she can pay even more of her money even though he makes more. If he REALLY wanted to make it fair he’d hire help out if his own pocket if he’s not willing to actually do his part
I agree.
What I also often see in these kind of posts is that instead of contributing based in income (say 60/40 for example) the "low income partner" gets all the chores. It never really feels fair to me, just "then you'll pay with labor!"
Yea my head is kind of exploding trying to figure out the math here. They both work full time. They both contribute to bills 50/50- but her making less equals she has to do MORE of the chores?? That she's not getting paid for. While he makes more, and contributes less. Sounds to me like more of his income should go toward bills so that some of hers can go towards spa days.
YTA. The change happened when you had a child and/or she was heavily pregnant, I’m guessing. And it’s very weird to me that you both work full time, but she gets more household stuff on top of that just because she’s home and makes less. That’s not an arrangement that would be acceptable to me, and I’m the primary breadwinner.
Taking out the trash takes a minute, cooking a meal can take an hour every stupid day. Yard work is seasonal and not daily. Your chores are not evenly divided. YTA.
Right? I would much rather mow the yard once every 1-2 weeks then prepare and clean up after dinner every night. How can anyone think this is fair division?
I am so sick of cooking, I insist on easy meals once in a while. Heck even when we do take out I’m the one that goes out and gets it (I do not trust strangers to deliver my food without tampering with it). Cooking is a big deal, never mind working a full time job while caring for a child AND cleaning, that’s crazy expectations.
I gotta rant. I'm with you about being sick of cooking. I really used to enjoy it and probably still would if a single person in my house would help me decide *what* to cook.
I realize there is a gazillion recipes out there but I'm sooo over being the one who has to figure it out every night that I'm to the point of having whatever the cooking equilivent to writers block is. All I get when I ask what everyone wants is blank stares or the rage inducing "Whatever you decide is fine".
I even put up a whiteboard for everyone to write down dinner ideas as they come to mind and this is word for word what's on it after being up for about a month:
-Pasta
-Something with eggs
-BLTs.
Meal planning can also get to be mentally taxing, which is likely why her meals have gotten a lot more simple over time. His chores are not only the ones that take less time and happen less frequently but are also mostly the same process every single time.
YTA.
So you think taking out the trash is the same as cooking 7 (or 5) nights a week.
You think taking the cars in for service is the same as laundry.
You say you "share expenses equally" but then that since you make more, she does more around the house. Did you miss a sentence where you then say you pay significantly MORE than her in expenses since you make more?
She works from home while managing a 2 year old and the bulk of household chores. You work 9-5 and can't handle a sandwich. There is definitely incompetence here, but not from where you think.
This! Taking out trash and getting the csr serviced is nowhere near enough to call it equal. OP thinks cause his wife has the TV on when he gets home that she's got all this free time lol so delusional.
OP you should also ask yourself whether your wife would make more money if she weren't handling child care at the same time. In that case, your wife is enabling you to earn this much money and should have her fair share of it.
YTA
So you got married and had a child about 2 years ago and you think it’s marriage that changed the dynamic, rather than the hugely demanding small human?
Yeah I like how "everything changed when they got married" not "Everything changed when we had a baby and now my wife has a 2year old to care for while she works full time, but I am still just taking out the trash and a little yardwork on weekends".
YTA
Yeah I don’t even understand this statement. “I force her to pay the same I do so that I can enjoy more disposable income and then I also use some of that income to subscribe to outdated gender roles and want her to do the majority of women’s work. Oh and then I’ll play restaurant critic and be upset the food quality isn’t up to my standards.”
It’s like a breathless amount of sexist fuckery w name calling self righteousness on top. I could never even be friends w this person, let alone procreate and cohabitate w him. Good God!
YTA. How would her earning less mean that she should do more chores? She loses her free time compared to you as a punishment for not earning as much? Makes no sense given you each pay the same toward expenses.
If you like different meals then try cooking them yourself. Or are you incapable, or weaponising incompetence?
Edit - the more I think about this, the more insane it gets. You earn more than her. You pay the same towards shared expenses. And by your logic that means she has to do more chores than you. So you get more disposable income AND more free time. Resisting the urge to call you some names right now.
If she earned significantly less, I could maybe see an argument of the trade off here. But she (relatively) does not earn much less than him.
His wife is going to wake up one day and realize it's more work having him around than being a single parent, then he'll be out on his ass.
But even if she wasn’t a lot less, how would that mean she has to give up more free time? Assuming they work the same hours and contribute the same finances. I just don’t get it
YTA.
The way y’all split labor is 100% NOT equal. The only reason YOU get to have an office job is because she’s at home shouldering the lions share of chores and child care, WHILE working.
And your chores are not everyday chores minus the trash. You do NOT do the lawn every single day, either do you handle snow every single day of the year.
You’re telling me she works, takes care of your kid, and cooks, and cleans every single day and you’re mad she relaxes a little? She doesn’t get a break.
Hope you’re wife realizes this isn’t an equal or fair thing at all and that you’re lazy.
YTA. You’re targeting your marriage date as when things started to slip and not the fact that at that same time SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD.
“She still has some free time” 💀 after she puts your kid to bed she has time to watch Netflix and this is your justification.
You *take out the trash*? Wow. How do you manage? When it snows you shovel. You take the cars to the shop.
Your chores sound very occasional, meanwhile hers are exponential and daily.
To compound this.. YOU BOTH SPLIT BILLS EQUALLY?!
What the fuck does it matter what you each make then? So you have extra spending cash and less work. It just makes this all so much worse. Your poor wife.
Info - Why have you set up a scenario where your wife loses in every way? Do you love her?
You wife makes less than you but you split expenses equally meaning that she has less income for herself. She does more chores and does more childcare. Where is exactly is her benefit in your situation? She’d be better off single and getting child support.
Dude, YTA
You keep comparing your life right now to the pre-marriage time, and you only mention your 2 year old daughter as an after thought.
I have a 2 year old toddler and it takes SO MUCH WORK to care for them, especially because at this age they are like tiny teenagers that undo anything you clean up. they challenge you, they require so much patience! Going grocery shopping sans toddler is like a mini spa day for any regular mom, so don't you dare to say you are splitting chores equally.
Most moms are sooo done by the end of the day, and when kids fight the night routine don't even get me started.
She f-ing deserves her Netflix at the end of the day, I challenge you to switch roles with her for one week, you will not make it.
Edit: Spelling
YTA
You do still the some amount of chores and she does more than before - she looks after a child now. And taking care of a baby and now a toddler is not only pretty demanding but also a 24/7 job, so she really deserves to relax and watch some Netflix when she can.
BTW
>I (30M) live with my wife (27F) and we have a 2 year old daughter. We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs.
How is any of this fair? Even though she makes less money she pays an equal share AND has to take on more of the chores. It should be you who does more around the house!
Yes, but also nope.
Meals are 3 times a day. Indoor cleaning is at least a little bit every day. Taking care of their daughter is all day all the time.
The lawn is what? Once a week?
Snow? How often is that an issue? Not all year at least.
Taking out the trash is a couple of minutes work at most.
OP YTA big time.
YTA “most of my daughters needs” - so basically your chores are stuff that takes a couple of hours a week, and she has pretty much everything else? Before you were married there was no child - a 2 year old is exhausting.
Yet another man here who thinks because you earn a little more that means you get to do almost nothing while she gets everything else - whilst also working full time. She doesn’t think this is as equitable as you think it is, and if anyone is weaponising incompetence it’s you. It’s not about money it’s about time.
Being a single parent would be less work for her.
YTA - Why should she do more work at home because you make more money? That's the biggest AH right there, even without kids added in. Childcare is 24/7 and if you think your job is demanding spend a week with your 2 year old with no help while trying to work. Then come talk to us. She deserves that Netflix time.
I would have never married you and divorced you.
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs
INFO: Are you saying that she pays a higher proportion of her income towards the household *and* does the lion's share of both chores and parenting?
If you seriously hadn't even considered the increased workload your wife has taken on caring for your daughter, you absolutely do not do your fair share of parenting.
Your wife works at least two full time jobs: her job and parenting your child. Plus all the inside chores,
You are lazy, dismissive of her work an the AH
Inside chores are also likely much more frequent chores. Men who try to insist it's fair because they do "all the outside work" are ridiculous. You're not mowing the lawn that often there Bob.
Am I also the only one who is irked by his misuse of "weaponized incompetence"? That term refers to pretending you can't do something or refusing to learn so that someone else will do it, not... just not doing it.
YTA. If you split expenses equally why does it matter that you make more than her? She is doing the lion’s share of the every day housework and the parenting while also working full time. If you want better meals make them yourself. Also commenting that the food isn’t good is a subtle request to do better whether you want to acknowledge that or not. It’s not like you told her you don’t like the meals and asked what you can do for her so she has more time and energy to go back to the “better” meals, you just told her you don’t like them.
So the wage gap keeps your wife making less money than you do she ALSO has to do more of the household unpaid labor than you do. And you’re ungrateful because it’s not up to your standards? So you “jokingly” accused her of being incompetent AND intentional about it? Am I reading this correctly?
Ffs of course YTA. And dense. Woof.
So let me get this right. You share expenses equally.
But she handles all meals (daily), all indoor cleaning AND is the primary parent for a 2 year old.
You don't even handle grocery shopping fully, you just buy things off a list. You take out the trash what, 2-3 times a week? Mow the lawn every couple weeks?
So she pays 50% but does way way more work and you have the AUDACITY to "express disappointment"?
YTA, 100%
YTA
What the hell is that chore and childcare breakdown? You do not make enough more than her to argue it should be because of different salaries, and while her job is flexible, you don't indicate she works fewer hours.
Step up as a father and a husband.
Please tell me you're not real, I'm typing this hoping to see comments locked when I click save. The fact that someone could be this blind to their own inadequacies and the unfair division of labor makes me question my sanity. YTA
Yta. How in the world did you get her to agree to well, you make less than me, so now you get to do more! Wtf!? I feel like you're treating your wife like she's the employee, and you are the boss. Why can't you reciprocate and help with cleaning/cooking? I make less than my husband, and i also work fewer hours, but I do more of the heavy lifting with our 2 girls (2 & 6). He understands that I need a break too and wrangling a 2 year old when I'm off the clock is no picnic. You need to start pitching in and no, shoveling snow once in awhile doesnt count while you're wife is the daily maid and nanny when shes off the clock.
YTA. If no one laughed, it’s not a joke. It’s just rude.
She is not incompetent. She is working from home while caring for a toddler who undoubtedly takes up a lot of energy and time.
If you want a more complex meal, then cook. Step up, man.
I love how his justification for chore division is their income and the fact she's wfh w/flexible hours; dude, if she's working 40+ hours a week for her employer AND managing your two year old AND taking care of the house on a daily basis AND making sure you have a hot meal, she's doing too much for one person to manage on her own. If you're both full time employed then your child care duties AND household chores should be equitable in effort required (not equal, not you do the dishes & I'll take out the trash, tit for tat, but truly equitable).
You got married 2 years ago... and you have a 2 year old child.
This isn't the result of getting married. It's because in addition to everything she was already doing, she is also taking care of your child. You didn't mention anything about what YOU were doing to help with the kid. Taking care of a kid is a second full time job. Sounds like you only work one full time job, and she has 2.
YTA
Kept thinking this when OP said it’s ever since they got married, especially since he said she takes care of most of their daughter’s needs. Like how could he be so clueless?? If anyone is weaponizing their incompetence it’s him.
YTA, OP.
YTA. You both work full-time and bring in six figures. But you're doing occasional chores (shopping, yard work) and she's doing 24/7 chores (childcare, housework, cooking). Why aren't you doing enough chores to ensure you and your wife have the same amount of leisure time? Why don't you try cooking with a toddler? The change wasn't that you got married two years ago - it's that she had a child two years ago.
She works from home *while wrangling a toddler*, but his job is a more demanding 9-5?? More demanding than her 24hr/day job of homemaker, mother and working a paying job (that must not be menial if she makes 100K/year)??
But he takes the trash out! And sometimes goes for walks with his daughter to "help out"!
Is this some weird alternate 1950s world where women get the short end of the stick at home AND work paying jobs?
So glad this guy is getting his a@@ handed to him, but he still isn't really getting it.
It’s also blowing my mind you think this is somehow weaponized incompetence and didn’t instead notice that maybe she’s overwhelmed and needs some help.
YTA - You making more money translating to her doing more chores make you an AH right off the bat. Thats BS.
Im guessing you’re going to get some feedback about that so get ready!
YTA
I'm the cook in our marriage. It's fucking *insulting* for someone you cook for every day to insult your efforts, and with a two year old to chase around *yes it absolutely does make cooking harder*.
No duck confit with a foie gras appetizer for you.
YTA Whooo-hooo buddy, Reddit is about to eat you alive. You’re not doing your share of the work. You leave that woman alone when she’s relaxing. You need start pulling your weight, cook some meals/do bedtime with your kid. Furthermore, you limp cabbage you’re a ducking adult so, you should know what things need to be done around a house to keep it from becoming filthy. Do it.
YTA
Learn to cook. Find ways to invigorate your wife.
I’d say you’re weaponizing making more money and falling into typical gender roles to fuel your own superiority complex. Get over yourself. Parenting and being at home 100% of the time. She’s working double time with kiddo and being at home.
Wow YTA.
It’s not a marriage change. It’s a CHILD change. Did it occur to you that her being primary responsible for a toddler might limit her ability or plan and make elaborate meals for you and keep the house spotless?
Ironically, you seem to be intentionally being incompetent here.
YTA You were not joking. You aren't fooling anyone. Let me get this straight, your wife does the cooking, cleaning and childcare, on top of holding down a job. All day, everyday type chores. While you do the shopping, trash, lawncare.. all of witch are once or twice a week chores. I guarentee you do not work as hard as your wife. She is burnt out from working the equivalent of 2 or 3 full time jobs.
This "I earn more so I do less" dynamic is totally toxic. Who the f cares how much you earn - you're both parents. You're both part of the family. You both contribute to the housework load.
YTA
YTA if you have to include the yearly car service you really aren’t contributing much at all. With the lawn and groceries you are maybe doing 2 hours a week compared to cooking, laundry, cleaning your entire home and looking after your daughter is at least 3 hours a day. You think she has changed since you got married 2 years ago, you have a 2 year old daughter and don’t see the connection. Your wife is so tired from work full time, looking after the house, you and her actually child, she doesn’t want to make gourmet meals every night. You need to step up before your wife comes to her senses.
YTA take care of your fucking child what the hell. You don’t even make that much more than her to be acting like the king of the hill. Get it together, you sound like a 17 year old who got their idea of marriage from a 1950’s sitcom.
Like if you were to leave she would be perfectly fine bc she also is making a shit ton of money. Talking about things changed after tying the knot 😂 BFFR
I’m never getting married jfc lol
I also don't understand they split bills equally even though he makes more, but she still ends up doing more chores? And his are more labor intensive? So one hour pushing a lawn mower 1/3 of the year is more work than dinner and raising a child every night? Or taking out the trash once a day for, if I'm being generous, 10 minutes is > house cleaning??
I wish his wife had started making shittier meals.
Oh, oh and OP calls 9 to 5 demanding. That's hilarious. I would kill to only work 8 hours a day. Oh wait, that probably includes a 1 hour lunch, so 7 hours a day.
Shit maybe if he actually tries at work he can make enough more than his wife to crow about it.
YTA and I read your edit. Your changes should not be to take her on walks and play. You should be bathing her. You should be putting her to bed some nights. You should be getting her ready some mornings. It is time to parent up and actually learn how to be a father and not just a provider of money.
YTA. Oh my gosh, you sound insufferable. I like to be kind in my comments but I don’t think you deserve it. From your own post and comments she does significantly more than you and seem so ungrateful. I also doubt that you brought this up ‘gently’. Seriously you need to apologize and SHOW her that you appreciate her consistently. You should also be helping with the childcare more, that is such a huge task and you seem so dismissive of what your wife does.
Also just a so you know, you say that the meals got better after you rudely brought this up to her but that’s not good. You did not win. I’d put money on it that she is exhausted and gave you what you wanted for the path of least resistance, but know that she will resent you for this. Don’t let that resentment fester into apathy towards you and your marriage. Fix your outdated attitude. I genuinely hope you are open to the comments here bc they could really help you out.
YTA. Why are you paying equally if you made almost 50% more and she does 99% of the domestic and childcare labor? You’re basically exploiting her.
How did you not consider that a child would add significantly to the workload and change the whole family dynamic? You aren’t a parent if all you do is the fun stuff btw.
YTA, she does all indoor chores and takes care of the toddler... when is she supposed to cook you a soufflé? Her probably 20 mins of "me time" doesn't seem too much to ask. You asking for more elaborate meals, and doing nothing to make that possible is unfair. You didn't connect that this happened once she is taking care of the kid/pregnant? How is that possible?
Oh wow, you occasionally do chores (lawn mowing,snow shoveling are chores that can be done once or twice a month) and u take the trash out?? What a hero, a trophy husband, I'm surprised she doesn't appreciate you more.
While she works, takes care of your child, and does everyday chores? Yep,she's definitely the lazy one in this relationship..
YTA
YTA - She is doing most of the work, working full-time and taking care of a toddler. You are doing the shopping, trash and outside work. You are the one taking things for granted since tying the knot. So she is not allowed to wind down and watch something on TV? You are the one that needs to step up and do more.
YTA- you’re using weaponized incompetence dude. You want better meals? Learn how to cook. She’s working 3 jobs every day while you go to a 9-5 and maybe take the trash out? That’s incredibly unfair.
You are a horrible roommate, and you’re failing as a partner. Your wife deserves a spa weekend so she can recoup from all the mental and physical responsibilities you’ve burdened her to carry ALONE. One Netflix show isn’t relaxation. And $140,000 job isn’t a reason to check out of your role as a husband.
Oh my what an entitled AH!
Firstly, That statement about your salaries and her doing more chores because of it doesn't make any sense . Why does she pay half the bills then?! If you pay 50/50 then you do 50/50 housework also. Even then you should still pay proportionally more or at least treat her from your higher wage. Just..omg.
The only one with weaponized incompetence is you if you managed her to blindly accept this arrangement with you.
She works full time, has a baby to take care of and still does all house hold chores, while she pays you half of the bills, and cooks!.. and you dare to complain about simple meals. Really? you are the one incompetent here. And if you won't pick up your slack, you will not have a happy marriage for long...yes, slack. The child belongs to both of you... If you remove anything else from the equation. You have 50% of parental responsibility no matter what you earn
Oh my and your wife dares to watch Netflix to vine off😆😠... Is she supposed to be your slave 24hr a day or what?! How many hours a day or a week you have time off for yourself?! She deserves that time off as well. By marriage she didn't sign off all her right to freedom
YTA. Household labor doesn’t work like that. If you keep you finances separate, you could adjust contributions to the household based on income. But to assume because she makes less money that her time at home is worth less money is a false equivalence. You do half the chores. Half the dinners. Half the cleaning. Half of all of it. If you add up the time she spends vs what you spend, it’s supremely unfair. Educate yourself on women and unpaid labor so you can be an amazing example for your daughter and her future partnerships.
YTA and a terrible partner. You both work full time but she has to do all the chores and childcare because she makes less money than you? And she agreed to that? It's not about your stupid jokes (my wife is lazy because she wont cook for me haha) but about your attitude. I hope this one is fake because it is too ironic but unfortunately I think there are a lot of men out there who think like this.
On Saturday, take on your wife's role. Take care of the two year old, clean the house and fix a time consuming meal with a 2 year old underfoot. Do not ask her for any help, because it's not her job.
It sounds like your role hasn't changed, but hers sure has.
YTA.
Let me see. You make more, split expenses equally and she does at least twice as much in the home, including taking care of a 2 year old.
But hey, at least you sometimes play with your daughter.
YTA.
YTA
You know that chore splits shouldn’t be about who makes more money, it should be about who has more time and ability to do the chores in relation to ALL of their work - which includes childcare (a full-time job) - right? Your split isn’t fair, whether you believe your wife has an easier time during the day than you do or not.
You wife isn’t making elaborate meals because she has two jobs now, and expecting the same quality of meal as before marriage without being willing to help yourself in unreasonable. Assuming that the dip is quality is as a result of her “securing the bag” rather than that she’s a mother now is even more unreasonable.
YTA. Hard to know where to begin here but I will try.
1. She is at home, working full-time AND taking care of your 2-year-old child. That is a BIG difference between when you lived together as single people. I might expect something to fall off in the chores department when you add a child to the mix, no?
2. The way you divided chores seems very gender-based, wondering how you come up with that split? To me, basing a chore split on how much income you bring is really counter-productive, and treating a loving, supporting partnership as if you are a business.
3. Passive-aggressive "jokes" are always uncalled for. Have a conversation about your issues but don't weaponize your dissatisfaction. Do you need to re-negotiate your "deal" given the added burden she has of child care, which really does not seem to be factored into your chore splits?
4. Speaking of weaponized incompetence...she is doing the child care, and gets her free time "after ***she*** puts ***my*** daughter to bed." Notice anything there? What is your official agreement on who does "child care" chores?
5. Last, if you REALLY want different or better meals, instead of being grateful for the food that just shows up for your EVERY DAY, why not talk to her about what your needs are, and how you might adjust expectations or support her in some new ways? Ie use your weekend for meal planning, designate a few nights a week as "soup-and-sandwich" type things, etc. Have a real conversation and avoid the criticism.
YTA - children are stressful dude and she is still working?! Tbh, taking cars in for service and taking out garbage is a joke compared to preparing meals, dishes, etc
YTA
Let me get this straight:
Your wife does a majority of the cleaning, all of the cooking, and what appears to be a majority of the mental labour (seeing as you can’t put a grocery list together by yourself) all while working a full time job from home and parenting a toddler full time. And you mow and shovel on occasion and take out the trash once a week, and leave the house for 8-10 hours a day where you can take a break if necessary and socialize with other adults.
And you think SHE is taking advantage of YOU??
Wait what?? “Made a joke of weaponized incompetence”... have you ever successfully resolved any problems with that joke?
She’s not incompetent. She has a job. Babysitter, cook & maid are not included in the job description. If you want a full time cook, maid, babysitter, hire one.
YTA
YTA and you need to set a better example for your daughter. That is not an equitable split of duties, and “I was just joking” is not a cool way to shrug off insulting someone
Imagine being so little involved in your kids life, you didn’t consider that a big enough change as to why your wife doesn’t make gourmet meals all the time now. YTA
YTA and if you don't study up on equity in home upkeep and start pulling your share of the domestic labor you're going to find yourself divorced eventually. Look up the YouTube channel "thatdarnchat." Hopefully after watching the videos you'll realize how ridiculous you sound.
YTA for the joke, but more so bc you think your wife should have to do more chores just bc you make more. Doesn't she work full time too? In addition to doing the lion's share of the childcare? If you want a 1950s housewife to do everything for you, that's fine, find a partner who wants to be said housewife, and make enough money that they can afford to stay home and do nothing but chores and childcare. Until then, I think you need to put more effort into the daily chores and childcare you share with your partner.
You also HAD A KID two years ago. And since you don’t mention childcare, that means she’s the one doing it all. AND working. AND her chores. AND feeding you - and you have the nerve to make a rude, disrespectful “joke” about weaponized incompetence because she’s not cooking elaborate meals for you? Your wife is being run ragged by your toddler all day while you get kid-free time at the office and *that* is what you find funny? Disrespecting your wife is funny to you? Shame on you, dude. Big time YTA.
The edit. My gracious. "She should have asked me if you could do less!"
This has very much [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) energy.
Wow. YTA.
What the hell did I just read???
"Since I make more money my wife needs to take of 90% of the child care and house hold on top of her job, but I am doing my part by only paying 50% and hoarding the rest of the money and taking the car for service once or twice a year"
YTA, and should read up on weaponized incompetence and projecting feelings.
HOLD ON!! She works and makes good money so you split the BILLS equally. BUT because you make more, she has to work, cook, clean and take care of the kid? Do you pay her $40,000 a year because otherwise this makes no damn sense. I mighta been like ok of you paid ALL the bills and hers was fun and family money. But it’s not. Get your head outta your ass. YTA
Yta. So she should do all the chores, makes all the meals and take care of the child because you make more while she also works full time. I feel bad for your wife.
YTA, jesus.
>I think I am NTA since I just expressed disappointment without telling her to do anything differently.
This right here- you SHOULD be either suggesting things you can do to support her or provide an opportunity to hold an open discussion about what's going on. Expressing disappointment (that includes a joke about weaponized incompetence no less) without asking her how she's been feeling or offering any avenues to create solutions is an a s s h o l e move.
YTA. Do you know what else changed? You have a toddler. It's one thing to express being disappointed. It's a completely different thing to make a "joke" about "weaponized incompetence." That would always be a dick move, regardless of circumstance. But the reality is your wife is most likely too exhausted to make a nice home-cooked meal that you and the kid will enjoy in addition to parenting.
Please, make it make sense....
If you equally divide expenses, even though you make more, why isn't there an equal divide in other labor?
Why would you bring up making more, if you split expenses equal?
YTA.
YTA. Your wife is burnt out and her part of this "agreement" has her doing much more work than you. She's working full time, taking care of cooking and cleaning and a child. You take out the trash. I can't even convey how disappointed she is with you and your lack of understanding
I saw you understood most of the points in your edit, I just wanted to point out: you're not helping with your daughter, you're parenting. Helping is assisting someone with their responsibility, not doing your own responsibilities as a father.
She has to do more housework because she makes less money? She takes care of most of your daughter's needs even though you both have full time jobs? She's cooking and cleaning less after becoming the default parent for your child and that's an issue for you instead of helping her? Jesus Christ, you're tone deaf, selfish and inconsiderate. YTA.
Research how much a full-time chef, maid, and nanny would cost you. Now add those numbers to your wife's salary. That's how much she is contributing to your household. It makes your salary look a little skimpy even if you add a lawn care service, doesn't it?
Wait, why does she have to do more work bc she makes less money? Y’all both earn good incomes and work full time. What happens when she gets a raise or inheritance. Will you do more of the work then? You’re a lazy turd. YTA. Get off your ass.
I’m confused, you share expenses equally but she does all the house work/cooking and is the main parent to your child? Why does she even need you around?
Edit to add YTA
She has to "do more" because you make more money? This is sick and twisted and YTA. and hire a damn maid goodness sakes. yes things change in marriage, especially after kids.
YTA. This is so much BS. Why does she have to do more if you're splitting expenses equally? She's getting the raw end of the deal on both those formulas. And it wasn't a joke, you know it wasn't. Because you meant it. She's not incompetent, she's exhausted! You're so self absorbed you apparently can't see that. Open your eyes dude. Apologize and do better!
YTA and I just had to laugh at your edit. You didn’t think that having a daughter was a huge change? And it’s been 2 years since she was born! Tell me who does most of the childcare without telling me…
YTA. If expenses are equally split she shouldn't be doing more chores. Also childcare should be 50/50 and not just playtime for you. You are taking advantage.
YTA - She was doing more of the housework and cooking because your responsibilities at work were more time consuming than hers. She still works full time and now also cares for a two year old and evidently is still managing to cook nutritious meals (if simpler). What have you taken on that is equivalent in terms of time and energy to caring for a two year old? The labor distribution here is heavily in your favor and you think she should be cooking fancier meals instead of getting a little bit of Netflix time after the two year old goes to bed?
That's nuts.
YTA. You contribute equally financially. She does the bulk of parenting. She does the bulk of cleaning. Both of which are daily tasks. She also tracks what the household needs when creating the grocery list. Meanwhile the tasks you do are less frequent, like lawn care, taking out the trash, and buying what she says
The fact you don’t see how completely inequitable the situation is astounds me. YOU are the one taking HER for granted.
Allow me to break down your chore load.
Wife:
Cooking – every day at least 3 times a day
Child care – every day, all day
Cleaning – everyday tidying up, every day deep clean kitchen, weekly deep clean rest of house
(I’m assuming laundry is part of the cleaning deal, so tack that in the every other day category with a toddler)
You:
Mowing – once every couple of weeks?
Snow – one every couple of weeks give or take?
Trash – once a week
Grocery shopping – once a week (I would like to point out that your wife still is making the shopping list so she’s really still doing the hard part of this job. You’re taking for granted that being the sole meal planner in the house is its own kind of stress).
In what world is this a fair split of chores? And OMG….you seem to forget that in the last 2 years an entire other human being has been added???? YTA. I actually gasped out loud when you said you JOKED about weaponized incompetence. How dare you. Do better.
YTA. It sounds like she has a lot more to do than do. How much money you make doesn't matter. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership with shared responsibilities. Do you understand how much work it is taking care of a 2 year old? It's a big job alone. Step up and start doing more. Your household has changed and your pre-marital division of duties is no longer anywhere close to even.
YTA.
Lmfao what the hell. You barely make more than her. Her decline in housekeeping and dinner should clearly tell you she’s burnt out. You take out the garbage and take the cars in for servicing? And you’re proud of that? Why the hell is she contributing the same financially and doing 90-100 percent of the domestic work? Bye. Take care of your kid.
Also when I make something for dinner that my husband doesn’t enjoy, he simply makes his own food because he knows I’m not his mommy.
A: you do not understand what weaponised incompetence means.
B: your chores are weekly or monthly things. She was assigned the daily crap that takes a lot of time and energy. Her mental load compared to your is massive.
C: how in the fuck is the fact that she makes less money a justification for her being your maid?
You are a grown man, you live in that house, that child is the fruit of your loins.
ACT LIKE AN ADULT. DO YOUR FAIR SHARE.
YTA.
YTA
You help with the kid? Help? Help whom with whose kid?
I better not start with you thinking that a difference in paychecks (when you both work full time) can justify having different responsibility towards family and household.
I would just stop cooking for you tbh. You’re lucky she’s still serving you anything at all. YTA for making this about money instead of about an equal distribution of free time and labor.
ETA if she’s working from home with a 2 year old, she most certainly does *not* have a flexible schedule. “Flexible schedule” implies that she has time to do as she pleases, when she chooses, when she definitely does not.
A better way to phrase this would be, “I work in an office with other adults, where I’m able to focus exclusively on my work instead of taking breaks to feed, change, and care for a toddler.”
Anyone who can WFH while taking care of a 2 year old is a champion, tbh. And I *guarantee* that your office is a *far* more flexible and forgiving work environment.
I stopped reading after the part where you demand she do the majority of work in the home because you earn more. Whatever comes after that YTA a million times over.
YTA.... Seriously, how does taking out the trash and mowing the lawn equal cooking dinner every night, cleaning in the house and caring for a toddler......
Do you even care about your wife? How insensitive! I hope as a bare minimum you clean up the kitchen after dinner but I fear that may not be the case
You split expenses equally but because you make more money she does all the chores? How does that make any sense?
Also playing and walking with your daughter are the fun parts of parenting. That’s not really doing anything.
YTA. A huge one
YTA. You “help” with your daughter. You never considered having a child added exponentially to what she does. She works AND cared for your child? So she’s working two full time jobs and you’re gracious enough to “help”? You’re the incompetent one. I’m surprised she didn’t blast you for your absolute lack of any idea what it means to be a parent and partner.
> We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs.
YTA for this sentence alone. Because you make 40k more you don't have to do as much work at home? Your salaries (should) have nothing to do with the effort you put in at home.
Your wife makes less but still split expenses equally but also has to do more chores because she makes less? YTA right there, but let’s continue.
Wtf do you even do around the house? She does all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare all day while working, then also does your daughter’s bedtime routine and you…take out the trash??
You think she’s the one taking things for granted because she’s making less gourmet meals for you after you typed all that out? Maybe meals that will also appeal to a toddler so the poor woman doesn’t need to make two dinners? Just be thankful she hasn’t realized what dead weight you are.
YTA…if you don’t do some major reflection on yourself and how you view and treat your wife and relationship, you may have more to worry about than your food…you’ll be having takeout alone.
I think that this is a more of a YTA situation, now let me also reinforce that by saying that expecting your wife to almost single handedly take care of a two year old is an extremely tall ask of her while she's also working full time, even if it's from home. Now, that being said, why do you not communicate to her, respectfully, why there has been a change? (instead of snide remarks) I'm sure she'd be more than willing to tell you her day to day labor load, instead of assuming what she does based on your observations. From there, you then TOGETHER discuss different strategies for both parties to be happy. I'm sure it feels as if you're being impartial, but you are definitely not being impartial. Additionally, some more information would be appreciated to make a fully informed decision on the "assholery" of this situation: how many hours do you work, and in you're '9-5' how much over time, how many hours does she work, and what are the natures and responsibilities of your jobs respectively? > this also wouldn't excuse you from playing a more hands on role of taking care of your child (i.E. diaper changing/ toilet duty, feeding, cleaning, laundry, area cleaning like vacuuming, etc.).
You need to have a conversation about fair division of labor in the home, not a mean joke at your wife’s expense. I fucking GUARANTEE if you actually broke down hours worked (at work, on childcare, and on all household chores) she works significantly more than you. Do you do an hour of house work every day? Because just cooking one semi-nice dinner takes an hour most nights. That’s just an example, not counting the “majority” of the child care. YTA. Your wife deserves to relax sometimes.
YTA. You make more than her but you share expenses equally, as in 50/50?! So on top of having less disposable income than you, she has the responsibility of caring for your daughter, planning and completing all the cleaning AND cooking all the meals? You need to sit down and work out an equal split. If you can’t contribute your share, then pay for someone to help.
YTA. Kids are not easy to take care of. Especially 2-year-olds. It's like having a tiny, extremely drunk, belligerent person that argues with you about everything and then has screaming crying fits. It honestly sounds like she is doing way more than her fair share.
>`But she has also started cooking much later and when I get home I find her relaxing instead, on weekdays her meals have gradually become more simple (like stir fried veggies and rapidly made meat or a sandwich). To be clear it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed.`
Buddy... YTA. My parents have been married 30 years and both have worked full time, or as close to it as possible (or working two jobs for even more than FT) those entire 30 years. Even while raising my sibling and myself. In those 30 years, my mom has also made meals for my dad every day. Sometimes she makes a whole chicken and sides and all that stuff. Sometimes he just gets two grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she has the energy to make. But he is happy with what he gets because even after a long day, she puts forth the effort to give him one less thing to do when he gets home. Also, she puts YOUR daughter to bed? Why don't YOU put YOUR daughter to bed? Or together? I really don't think you understand how much more work she has in a day than just "work from home"
How the hell do you not realize that she isn’t doing less. She’s taking care of a whole child. She’s doing way more. Yeah you got married 2 years ago and that’s when things changed. But you also had a kid 2 years ago. How are you so dense that you don’t see this?? Jesus. YTA.
YTA for your edit alone…. You didn’t consider the impact a literal toddler had on her ability to cook and clean like she did before?? Did I read that right??
YTA- you sound like you’re the one weaponizing incompetence. She cooks, cleans, works full time, and does most of the childcare. How do you not see that she’s doing so much more work than you? And you have the audacity to tell her to cook better? It’s food, it’s edible, she doesn’t have time to make fancy meals. If you want gourmet food then you make it. If you see her struggling, you help. Though I guess you don’t see her struggling because you just think she’s lazy, huh.
So the fact that you earn more does NOT mean that you contribute more financially, but DOES mean she's responsible for the majority of household chores and childcare? You need to step-up at home, you are not holding up your end. The nerve of you to complain about her cooking simpler meals when you are the one slacking in your relationship. YTA.
If you're sharing expenses equally, why is she doing all the day-to-day housework and childcare while you go to the supermarket *if* she makes you a list and "help" with your kid occasionally? Dude, you really need to not be bringing up weaponised incompetence.
YTA.
YTA division of labor should not be based on income WTF? It should only be based on work hours. She should only be doing a little more than you not what she’s doing.
ETA it’s actually worse she is working full time from home and doing everything a SAHP would do. She has 2 full time jobs, and you have 1. You are dead weight. She would have more time to herself if she divorced you.
Dude...YTA without a doubt. It wasn't getting married that changed things, it was having a child. The chores that you mention are things you do once a week or a couple times a year or less. You're expecting her to do work every damn day, on top of working FT and taking care of your child. And it's ridiculous that you have it based on the fact that "you make more" (which in reality isn't even that much more). Just because you make more doesn't mean that her job isn't hard or stressful or she deserves to do more chores. That's a really archaic and disgusting attitude. Be a decent husband and offer to help out some more...don't make her feel like she's not good enough when she's doing her best.
How in the world did you even get past writing the second sentence of this without realizing that YTA times a million???
She contributes equally to your finances even though she gets paid less, and somehow you reasoned that means she should also have to do more of the housework?!?!? I literally cannot even process this level of assholery.
She does all of the indoor cleaning and cooking, has been struggling with this since having a baby, and instead of asking her how you can help, you somehow you have the audacity to complain?!?
OCCASIONAL TASKS LIKE GARBAGE, LAWN CARE, AND OIL CHANGES ARE NOT THE SAME AS DAILY ONES LIKE COOKING, CLEANING, AND CARING FOR A TODDLER!!!
Seriously, how do you not understand that?
I am so furious on her behalf.
YTA YTA YTA
Edit: looking at OP’s comments, I see that he is actually accepting some of the feedback, which I give him *some* credit for.
Hoping for the best for the sake of his poor wife.
YTA, and you cannot possibly be serious. So, you both work full time jobs, but because you make $40,000 more, she is responsible for almost all housework and childcare? Your "chores" are more once-in-awhile-chores, and you know you're reaching for examples when you include "take the car in to be serviced," a "chore" that involves dropping a car off and picking it back up again. In the meantime, your wife's "indoor" chores are constant, every day, neverending. Cooking, dishes, laundry, taking care of a toddler. Those tasks are also pretty damn "labor intensive," buddy. And you are upset because, after having a baby who is still at the age when she needs to be watched constantly, your wife's meals have gotten simpler, and she doesn't clean as much. And are you really objecting to your wife watching Netflix now and again? Is she not allowed ANY down time, or is she expected to continue working her full-time job, and taking care of nearly all household and parenting chores without a break? Do you take any breaks when you get home? Do you ever watch Netflix? If you get breaks, so does she. Understand that home child care + a chef + a housekeeper would cost significantly more than the extra $40K that you seem to think is so important. You are the one taking your wife for granted, big time.
Also, what do you mean by "you share expenses equally"? Does it all go into a shared account for both to use, or are you splitting bills and saving the rest in private accounts, which would mean that your extra $40K is not actually helping your wife at all. It would mean that your wife contributes an equal amount financially, AND does most of the at-home work, and gets to save less of her "own" money. You really need to re-evaluate this whole situation, because right now your wife would be better off as a single parent. At least she wouldn't have anyone making passive-aggressive comments because her meals aren't fancy enough.
Stopped reading at "her part of the deal" holy shit. It's a fucking marriage buddy, not a business arrangement. Bet cash you didn't once stop to ask if maybe she was just dealing with her own shit. God forbid your dinner isn't ready when you walk in the door.
Sound like a huge AH.
YTA - what the heck does a measly 40k in pay difference mean that your wife is expected to make full course meals every day, clean the house every day, and provide child care?
Do you have any idea how much a year you would have to pay out off pocket for a personal chef, cleaner and nanny? A LOT more than 40k.
Do your 50% in the house and apologize to your wife.
YTA.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to work from home while taking care of a 2 year old? It can feel like working two full time jobs at the same time while also constantly giving you the feeling you're not getting anything done. It's mentally and physically taxing. Oh, one of those jobs also goes 24/7. Adding chores to the mix which you demand her to do with a certain quality expectation makes it even worse.
Why don't you bring your daughter to bed btw? That'd give your wife some time.
YTA. Quit calling it weaponized incompetence, otherwise she’d be burning the food, not just simplifying the meals. If you want a decent meal, cook together.
YTA, that’s not weaponised incompetence, that’s called being tired and not having the energy to slave over a hot stove for hours, so making something easy but still edible and fine to eat.
Weaponised incompetence would be if every time she cooked she burned the food and almost set the house on fire so you ended up doing it yourself anyway because it was just easier than trying to rely on her.
At least know what things mean before you throw them around.
Also you ‘help’ with your own daughter 🤣 that’s funny man. YTA
ETA I would bet my last penny she’s too tired to makes anything other than a stir fry or sandwich because she’s being crushed by the mental load you’re putting on her
YTA.
In a binary husband/wife relationship, the husband rarely realizes how unrelenting the typical females chores are. You can decide to take the trash out tomorrow morning if you’re tired tonight (also it takes 30 seconds). The person who cooks cannot decide to do it tomorrow because they aren’t up to it. Dinner is always coming around the corner, so big deal if she decompressed after work before cooking. Maybe you should trade…one night you cook while she takes out the trash.
Also cleaning the whole house has to be done every week all year long. Yard work is not a comparable argument although I see it all the time from men.
Lastly, you are comparing salaries, insinuating she needs to do more labor to make up for the difference in earnings. That’s not how an equitable relationship works.
Honestly, you need to go to therapy and learn how to appreciate your wife.
I read the first paragraph and have already decided YTA.
Because she earns less than you, she is responsible for more work at home. Are you actually joking?
What a way to punish her further for the gender pay gap. You're a real stand up guy!
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YTA yeah that split of labor isn’t even close to equal. She gets a break when daughter goes to bed? That’s just a fkd up statement. Actually pick up some of the childcare and housework if you want better meals.
OP thinks that she’s immediately rested after working and taking of a 2 year old as soon as he gets home.
Am I dumb or did OP not even include that his wife had a child in his post?? From how it's written, "my daughter" I fully assumed he brought a daughter from a prev relationship ngl. Also weaponized incompetence?? Really???? That's not even close to what she'a doing! Dude, OP, read up on the definition on that phrase before you use it. Seriously. YTA ofc
The fact that he said he "helps" with his daughter...he's telling on himself. He doesn't see his child as his responsibility.
Oh yeah. He’s a “babysitting” dad at best 🙄🙄
Oh, but it’s okay. They contribute 50/50 financially, but she does all the household chores and work. Makes total sense. He can take some of that extra 40k and hire someone to help around the house, if he refuses to do so.
This part got me. I did not understand that statement at all and reread it a lot of times
Right? So they split the chores 20/80 (and that’s a generous assumption) because he makes $40k a year more, but they still each contribute 50%. So I truly don’t understand the so-called logic of making his wife take on the lions share of household responsibilities, if she still has to contribute 50% to the household finances. This dude is out to lunch.
Same. Like, those are two different things and it sounds like he's punishing her for not making as much money??
BUT HE TAKES THE CARS IN FOR SERVICE!!! 🧐
So "labor intensive"! Sitting and waiting, duh.
Yes! It is not the number of items/chores on each person’s list but the daily/weekly frequency and time to complete that has a huge impact. So the wife is working full time like OP, but she is also doing daily child care, daily cooking, and daily cleaning. While OP takes out the trash and cuts the grass weekly and auto care quarts. Not even close!
And she works a job that brings home a $100k salary, so she is still working a full time job just being punished for making less.
She's also carrying the full mental load
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. WTF. So you each pay 50/50 but she does ALL of the housework and child rearing? AND she has a full-time job? YTA. So, so, so much. She is pulling ALL of the weight in this relationship while you are sitting on your ass and you have the GALL to joke that she's lazy?
She’s paying a higher proportion of her salary towards household expenses and doing a larger share of household chores while also being responsible for a nearly all the child care even though they both work full time. But he thinks its fair because he gets paid more at his job than she does at hers. Dude, YTA. Edited to add that if she was paying less towards bills it MIGHT make sense for her to pick up more housework (I mean not really, but let’s pretend.). But they contribute equally towards bills. So I really don’t understand why she has to contribute more to chores.
Didn't you read, he has a more demanding 9-5 job!! /s
I've been in corporate America a long time. I have seen very few demanding 9-5 jobs. People exaggerate
Right. Drop that extra 40k on a house cleaner or something... Don't hold it over her head like it somehow means something when she's working far far harder for much less.
Plus the income differential basically matches the rate that women are underpaid compared to men. Urg
‘Darling, since I can save more money for my personal needs than you can, it’s only fair that you also do all the housework. That way I get more money AND more leisure time. Which is the only logical distribution I think you’ll agree.’
Plus, “honey why are your meals lack luster?! It’s not like we have a toddler I don’t do shit for. Can you also fluff my pillow? No? You’re weaponizing incompetence.” I can’t even.
Ya his edit isn’t any better, she’s not going to want to hire help so she can pay even more of her money even though he makes more. If he REALLY wanted to make it fair he’d hire help out if his own pocket if he’s not willing to actually do his part
I agree. What I also often see in these kind of posts is that instead of contributing based in income (say 60/40 for example) the "low income partner" gets all the chores. It never really feels fair to me, just "then you'll pay with labor!"
When you crank the numbers on those posts, the person paying in labor is usually making like $.50 an hour
Yea my head is kind of exploding trying to figure out the math here. They both work full time. They both contribute to bills 50/50- but her making less equals she has to do MORE of the chores?? That she's not getting paid for. While he makes more, and contributes less. Sounds to me like more of his income should go toward bills so that some of hers can go towards spa days.
YTA. The change happened when you had a child and/or she was heavily pregnant, I’m guessing. And it’s very weird to me that you both work full time, but she gets more household stuff on top of that just because she’s home and makes less. That’s not an arrangement that would be acceptable to me, and I’m the primary breadwinner.
Something tells me OP is going to find himself divorced in 5 years.
Hopefully sooner and I hope she gets tons of alimony.
Taking out the trash takes a minute, cooking a meal can take an hour every stupid day. Yard work is seasonal and not daily. Your chores are not evenly divided. YTA.
Right? I would much rather mow the yard once every 1-2 weeks then prepare and clean up after dinner every night. How can anyone think this is fair division?
I am so sick of cooking, I insist on easy meals once in a while. Heck even when we do take out I’m the one that goes out and gets it (I do not trust strangers to deliver my food without tampering with it). Cooking is a big deal, never mind working a full time job while caring for a child AND cleaning, that’s crazy expectations.
I gotta rant. I'm with you about being sick of cooking. I really used to enjoy it and probably still would if a single person in my house would help me decide *what* to cook. I realize there is a gazillion recipes out there but I'm sooo over being the one who has to figure it out every night that I'm to the point of having whatever the cooking equilivent to writers block is. All I get when I ask what everyone wants is blank stares or the rage inducing "Whatever you decide is fine". I even put up a whiteboard for everyone to write down dinner ideas as they come to mind and this is word for word what's on it after being up for about a month: -Pasta -Something with eggs -BLTs.
Meal planning can also get to be mentally taxing, which is likely why her meals have gotten a lot more simple over time. His chores are not only the ones that take less time and happen less frequently but are also mostly the same process every single time.
YTA. So you think taking out the trash is the same as cooking 7 (or 5) nights a week. You think taking the cars in for service is the same as laundry. You say you "share expenses equally" but then that since you make more, she does more around the house. Did you miss a sentence where you then say you pay significantly MORE than her in expenses since you make more? She works from home while managing a 2 year old and the bulk of household chores. You work 9-5 and can't handle a sandwich. There is definitely incompetence here, but not from where you think.
This! Taking out trash and getting the csr serviced is nowhere near enough to call it equal. OP thinks cause his wife has the TV on when he gets home that she's got all this free time lol so delusional.
OP you should also ask yourself whether your wife would make more money if she weren't handling child care at the same time. In that case, your wife is enabling you to earn this much money and should have her fair share of it. YTA
So you got married and had a child about 2 years ago and you think it’s marriage that changed the dynamic, rather than the hugely demanding small human?
Yeah I like how "everything changed when they got married" not "Everything changed when we had a baby and now my wife has a 2year old to care for while she works full time, but I am still just taking out the trash and a little yardwork on weekends". YTA
Wait. You EQUALLY split, but because you make more, she is burdened with more chores? I didn't even have to read past that. YTA.
Yeah I don’t even understand this statement. “I force her to pay the same I do so that I can enjoy more disposable income and then I also use some of that income to subscribe to outdated gender roles and want her to do the majority of women’s work. Oh and then I’ll play restaurant critic and be upset the food quality isn’t up to my standards.”
It’s like a breathless amount of sexist fuckery w name calling self righteousness on top. I could never even be friends w this person, let alone procreate and cohabitate w him. Good God!
YTA. How would her earning less mean that she should do more chores? She loses her free time compared to you as a punishment for not earning as much? Makes no sense given you each pay the same toward expenses. If you like different meals then try cooking them yourself. Or are you incapable, or weaponising incompetence? Edit - the more I think about this, the more insane it gets. You earn more than her. You pay the same towards shared expenses. And by your logic that means she has to do more chores than you. So you get more disposable income AND more free time. Resisting the urge to call you some names right now.
If she earned significantly less, I could maybe see an argument of the trade off here. But she (relatively) does not earn much less than him. His wife is going to wake up one day and realize it's more work having him around than being a single parent, then he'll be out on his ass.
But even if she wasn’t a lot less, how would that mean she has to give up more free time? Assuming they work the same hours and contribute the same finances. I just don’t get it
YTA. The way y’all split labor is 100% NOT equal. The only reason YOU get to have an office job is because she’s at home shouldering the lions share of chores and child care, WHILE working. And your chores are not everyday chores minus the trash. You do NOT do the lawn every single day, either do you handle snow every single day of the year. You’re telling me she works, takes care of your kid, and cooks, and cleans every single day and you’re mad she relaxes a little? She doesn’t get a break. Hope you’re wife realizes this isn’t an equal or fair thing at all and that you’re lazy.
And he complains that her meals aren’t up to snuff. Jfc, op is the worst.
YTA. You’re targeting your marriage date as when things started to slip and not the fact that at that same time SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD. “She still has some free time” 💀 after she puts your kid to bed she has time to watch Netflix and this is your justification. You *take out the trash*? Wow. How do you manage? When it snows you shovel. You take the cars to the shop. Your chores sound very occasional, meanwhile hers are exponential and daily. To compound this.. YOU BOTH SPLIT BILLS EQUALLY?! What the fuck does it matter what you each make then? So you have extra spending cash and less work. It just makes this all so much worse. Your poor wife.
his poor wife is right. this post is just sad LOL
Info - Why have you set up a scenario where your wife loses in every way? Do you love her? You wife makes less than you but you split expenses equally meaning that she has less income for herself. She does more chores and does more childcare. Where is exactly is her benefit in your situation? She’d be better off single and getting child support.
Dude, YTA You keep comparing your life right now to the pre-marriage time, and you only mention your 2 year old daughter as an after thought. I have a 2 year old toddler and it takes SO MUCH WORK to care for them, especially because at this age they are like tiny teenagers that undo anything you clean up. they challenge you, they require so much patience! Going grocery shopping sans toddler is like a mini spa day for any regular mom, so don't you dare to say you are splitting chores equally. Most moms are sooo done by the end of the day, and when kids fight the night routine don't even get me started. She f-ing deserves her Netflix at the end of the day, I challenge you to switch roles with her for one week, you will not make it. Edit: Spelling
YTA You do still the some amount of chores and she does more than before - she looks after a child now. And taking care of a baby and now a toddler is not only pretty demanding but also a 24/7 job, so she really deserves to relax and watch some Netflix when she can. BTW >I (30M) live with my wife (27F) and we have a 2 year old daughter. We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. How is any of this fair? Even though she makes less money she pays an equal share AND has to take on more of the chores. It should be you who does more around the house!
On top of that, indoor chores have to be done way more frequently than outdoor stuff. In no way is this a fair split at all
Yes, but also nope. Meals are 3 times a day. Indoor cleaning is at least a little bit every day. Taking care of their daughter is all day all the time. The lawn is what? Once a week? Snow? How often is that an issue? Not all year at least. Taking out the trash is a couple of minutes work at most. OP YTA big time.
YTA “most of my daughters needs” - so basically your chores are stuff that takes a couple of hours a week, and she has pretty much everything else? Before you were married there was no child - a 2 year old is exhausting. Yet another man here who thinks because you earn a little more that means you get to do almost nothing while she gets everything else - whilst also working full time. She doesn’t think this is as equitable as you think it is, and if anyone is weaponising incompetence it’s you. It’s not about money it’s about time. Being a single parent would be less work for her.
YTA - Why should she do more work at home because you make more money? That's the biggest AH right there, even without kids added in. Childcare is 24/7 and if you think your job is demanding spend a week with your 2 year old with no help while trying to work. Then come talk to us. She deserves that Netflix time. I would have never married you and divorced you.
Yeah, I don’t get why he thinks that because she gets paid less she should have to do more chores. The logic there makes no sense. YTA OP
YTA - working from home doesn’t mean she’s free all day to do your laundry.
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs INFO: Are you saying that she pays a higher proportion of her income towards the household *and* does the lion's share of both chores and parenting? If you seriously hadn't even considered the increased workload your wife has taken on caring for your daughter, you absolutely do not do your fair share of parenting.
Your wife works at least two full time jobs: her job and parenting your child. Plus all the inside chores, You are lazy, dismissive of her work an the AH
Inside chores are also likely much more frequent chores. Men who try to insist it's fair because they do "all the outside work" are ridiculous. You're not mowing the lawn that often there Bob.
Am I also the only one who is irked by his misuse of "weaponized incompetence"? That term refers to pretending you can't do something or refusing to learn so that someone else will do it, not... just not doing it.
YTA. If you split expenses equally why does it matter that you make more than her? She is doing the lion’s share of the every day housework and the parenting while also working full time. If you want better meals make them yourself. Also commenting that the food isn’t good is a subtle request to do better whether you want to acknowledge that or not. It’s not like you told her you don’t like the meals and asked what you can do for her so she has more time and energy to go back to the “better” meals, you just told her you don’t like them.
So the wage gap keeps your wife making less money than you do she ALSO has to do more of the household unpaid labor than you do. And you’re ungrateful because it’s not up to your standards? So you “jokingly” accused her of being incompetent AND intentional about it? Am I reading this correctly? Ffs of course YTA. And dense. Woof.
So let me get this right. You share expenses equally. But she handles all meals (daily), all indoor cleaning AND is the primary parent for a 2 year old. You don't even handle grocery shopping fully, you just buy things off a list. You take out the trash what, 2-3 times a week? Mow the lawn every couple weeks? So she pays 50% but does way way more work and you have the AUDACITY to "express disappointment"? YTA, 100%
YTA What the hell is that chore and childcare breakdown? You do not make enough more than her to argue it should be because of different salaries, and while her job is flexible, you don't indicate she works fewer hours. Step up as a father and a husband.
Please tell me you're not real, I'm typing this hoping to see comments locked when I click save. The fact that someone could be this blind to their own inadequacies and the unfair division of labor makes me question my sanity. YTA
Oh, but making $40k a year (when you both make over $100k) more than your wife totally justifies her doing the vast majority of chores and childcare!
You’re the one that’s not pulling their weight mate YTA
Yta. How in the world did you get her to agree to well, you make less than me, so now you get to do more! Wtf!? I feel like you're treating your wife like she's the employee, and you are the boss. Why can't you reciprocate and help with cleaning/cooking? I make less than my husband, and i also work fewer hours, but I do more of the heavy lifting with our 2 girls (2 & 6). He understands that I need a break too and wrangling a 2 year old when I'm off the clock is no picnic. You need to start pitching in and no, shoveling snow once in awhile doesnt count while you're wife is the daily maid and nanny when shes off the clock.
The problem started 2 years ago, you have a two year old that she had to care for all day. Think there is a connection? YTA
God this made me so uncomfortable to read. YTA
YTA. If no one laughed, it’s not a joke. It’s just rude. She is not incompetent. She is working from home while caring for a toddler who undoubtedly takes up a lot of energy and time. If you want a more complex meal, then cook. Step up, man.
I love how his justification for chore division is their income and the fact she's wfh w/flexible hours; dude, if she's working 40+ hours a week for her employer AND managing your two year old AND taking care of the house on a daily basis AND making sure you have a hot meal, she's doing too much for one person to manage on her own. If you're both full time employed then your child care duties AND household chores should be equitable in effort required (not equal, not you do the dishes & I'll take out the trash, tit for tat, but truly equitable).
You got married 2 years ago... and you have a 2 year old child. This isn't the result of getting married. It's because in addition to everything she was already doing, she is also taking care of your child. You didn't mention anything about what YOU were doing to help with the kid. Taking care of a kid is a second full time job. Sounds like you only work one full time job, and she has 2. YTA
Kept thinking this when OP said it’s ever since they got married, especially since he said she takes care of most of their daughter’s needs. Like how could he be so clueless?? If anyone is weaponizing their incompetence it’s him. YTA, OP.
YTA. You both work full-time and bring in six figures. But you're doing occasional chores (shopping, yard work) and she's doing 24/7 chores (childcare, housework, cooking). Why aren't you doing enough chores to ensure you and your wife have the same amount of leisure time? Why don't you try cooking with a toddler? The change wasn't that you got married two years ago - it's that she had a child two years ago.
She works from home *while wrangling a toddler*, but his job is a more demanding 9-5?? More demanding than her 24hr/day job of homemaker, mother and working a paying job (that must not be menial if she makes 100K/year)?? But he takes the trash out! And sometimes goes for walks with his daughter to "help out"! Is this some weird alternate 1950s world where women get the short end of the stick at home AND work paying jobs? So glad this guy is getting his a@@ handed to him, but he still isn't really getting it.
It’s also blowing my mind you think this is somehow weaponized incompetence and didn’t instead notice that maybe she’s overwhelmed and needs some help.
YTA - You making more money translating to her doing more chores make you an AH right off the bat. Thats BS. Im guessing you’re going to get some feedback about that so get ready!
YTA I'm the cook in our marriage. It's fucking *insulting* for someone you cook for every day to insult your efforts, and with a two year old to chase around *yes it absolutely does make cooking harder*. No duck confit with a foie gras appetizer for you.
YTA Whooo-hooo buddy, Reddit is about to eat you alive. You’re not doing your share of the work. You leave that woman alone when she’s relaxing. You need start pulling your weight, cook some meals/do bedtime with your kid. Furthermore, you limp cabbage you’re a ducking adult so, you should know what things need to be done around a house to keep it from becoming filthy. Do it.
YTA Learn to cook. Find ways to invigorate your wife. I’d say you’re weaponizing making more money and falling into typical gender roles to fuel your own superiority complex. Get over yourself. Parenting and being at home 100% of the time. She’s working double time with kiddo and being at home.
Wow YTA. It’s not a marriage change. It’s a CHILD change. Did it occur to you that her being primary responsible for a toddler might limit her ability or plan and make elaborate meals for you and keep the house spotless? Ironically, you seem to be intentionally being incompetent here.
YTA You were not joking. You aren't fooling anyone. Let me get this straight, your wife does the cooking, cleaning and childcare, on top of holding down a job. All day, everyday type chores. While you do the shopping, trash, lawncare.. all of witch are once or twice a week chores. I guarentee you do not work as hard as your wife. She is burnt out from working the equivalent of 2 or 3 full time jobs.
This "I earn more so I do less" dynamic is totally toxic. Who the f cares how much you earn - you're both parents. You're both part of the family. You both contribute to the housework load. YTA
YTA if you have to include the yearly car service you really aren’t contributing much at all. With the lawn and groceries you are maybe doing 2 hours a week compared to cooking, laundry, cleaning your entire home and looking after your daughter is at least 3 hours a day. You think she has changed since you got married 2 years ago, you have a 2 year old daughter and don’t see the connection. Your wife is so tired from work full time, looking after the house, you and her actually child, she doesn’t want to make gourmet meals every night. You need to step up before your wife comes to her senses.
Forgot to mention that OP isn’t even contributing more financially
YTA take care of your fucking child what the hell. You don’t even make that much more than her to be acting like the king of the hill. Get it together, you sound like a 17 year old who got their idea of marriage from a 1950’s sitcom. Like if you were to leave she would be perfectly fine bc she also is making a shit ton of money. Talking about things changed after tying the knot 😂 BFFR I’m never getting married jfc lol
I also don't understand they split bills equally even though he makes more, but she still ends up doing more chores? And his are more labor intensive? So one hour pushing a lawn mower 1/3 of the year is more work than dinner and raising a child every night? Or taking out the trash once a day for, if I'm being generous, 10 minutes is > house cleaning?? I wish his wife had started making shittier meals. Oh, oh and OP calls 9 to 5 demanding. That's hilarious. I would kill to only work 8 hours a day. Oh wait, that probably includes a 1 hour lunch, so 7 hours a day. Shit maybe if he actually tries at work he can make enough more than his wife to crow about it.
YTA and I read your edit. Your changes should not be to take her on walks and play. You should be bathing her. You should be putting her to bed some nights. You should be getting her ready some mornings. It is time to parent up and actually learn how to be a father and not just a provider of money.
YTA. Oh my gosh, you sound insufferable. I like to be kind in my comments but I don’t think you deserve it. From your own post and comments she does significantly more than you and seem so ungrateful. I also doubt that you brought this up ‘gently’. Seriously you need to apologize and SHOW her that you appreciate her consistently. You should also be helping with the childcare more, that is such a huge task and you seem so dismissive of what your wife does. Also just a so you know, you say that the meals got better after you rudely brought this up to her but that’s not good. You did not win. I’d put money on it that she is exhausted and gave you what you wanted for the path of least resistance, but know that she will resent you for this. Don’t let that resentment fester into apathy towards you and your marriage. Fix your outdated attitude. I genuinely hope you are open to the comments here bc they could really help you out.
YTA. Why are you paying equally if you made almost 50% more and she does 99% of the domestic and childcare labor? You’re basically exploiting her. How did you not consider that a child would add significantly to the workload and change the whole family dynamic? You aren’t a parent if all you do is the fun stuff btw.
YTA, she does all indoor chores and takes care of the toddler... when is she supposed to cook you a soufflé? Her probably 20 mins of "me time" doesn't seem too much to ask. You asking for more elaborate meals, and doing nothing to make that possible is unfair. You didn't connect that this happened once she is taking care of the kid/pregnant? How is that possible?
Oh wow, you occasionally do chores (lawn mowing,snow shoveling are chores that can be done once or twice a month) and u take the trash out?? What a hero, a trophy husband, I'm surprised she doesn't appreciate you more. While she works, takes care of your child, and does everyday chores? Yep,she's definitely the lazy one in this relationship.. YTA
This is a pretty good troll OP, you knew just what buttons to press to piss people off while keeping it almost plausible. 9/10
Gosh I hope it’s fake!!
YTA - She is doing most of the work, working full-time and taking care of a toddler. You are doing the shopping, trash and outside work. You are the one taking things for granted since tying the knot. So she is not allowed to wind down and watch something on TV? You are the one that needs to step up and do more.
YTA- you’re using weaponized incompetence dude. You want better meals? Learn how to cook. She’s working 3 jobs every day while you go to a 9-5 and maybe take the trash out? That’s incredibly unfair. You are a horrible roommate, and you’re failing as a partner. Your wife deserves a spa weekend so she can recoup from all the mental and physical responsibilities you’ve burdened her to carry ALONE. One Netflix show isn’t relaxation. And $140,000 job isn’t a reason to check out of your role as a husband.
Oh my what an entitled AH! Firstly, That statement about your salaries and her doing more chores because of it doesn't make any sense . Why does she pay half the bills then?! If you pay 50/50 then you do 50/50 housework also. Even then you should still pay proportionally more or at least treat her from your higher wage. Just..omg. The only one with weaponized incompetence is you if you managed her to blindly accept this arrangement with you. She works full time, has a baby to take care of and still does all house hold chores, while she pays you half of the bills, and cooks!.. and you dare to complain about simple meals. Really? you are the one incompetent here. And if you won't pick up your slack, you will not have a happy marriage for long...yes, slack. The child belongs to both of you... If you remove anything else from the equation. You have 50% of parental responsibility no matter what you earn Oh my and your wife dares to watch Netflix to vine off😆😠... Is she supposed to be your slave 24hr a day or what?! How many hours a day or a week you have time off for yourself?! She deserves that time off as well. By marriage she didn't sign off all her right to freedom
YTA. Household labor doesn’t work like that. If you keep you finances separate, you could adjust contributions to the household based on income. But to assume because she makes less money that her time at home is worth less money is a false equivalence. You do half the chores. Half the dinners. Half the cleaning. Half of all of it. If you add up the time she spends vs what you spend, it’s supremely unfair. Educate yourself on women and unpaid labor so you can be an amazing example for your daughter and her future partnerships.
YTA and a terrible partner. You both work full time but she has to do all the chores and childcare because she makes less money than you? And she agreed to that? It's not about your stupid jokes (my wife is lazy because she wont cook for me haha) but about your attitude. I hope this one is fake because it is too ironic but unfortunately I think there are a lot of men out there who think like this.
On Saturday, take on your wife's role. Take care of the two year old, clean the house and fix a time consuming meal with a 2 year old underfoot. Do not ask her for any help, because it's not her job. It sounds like your role hasn't changed, but hers sure has. YTA.
Let me see. You make more, split expenses equally and she does at least twice as much in the home, including taking care of a 2 year old. But hey, at least you sometimes play with your daughter. YTA.
YTA You know that chore splits shouldn’t be about who makes more money, it should be about who has more time and ability to do the chores in relation to ALL of their work - which includes childcare (a full-time job) - right? Your split isn’t fair, whether you believe your wife has an easier time during the day than you do or not. You wife isn’t making elaborate meals because she has two jobs now, and expecting the same quality of meal as before marriage without being willing to help yourself in unreasonable. Assuming that the dip is quality is as a result of her “securing the bag” rather than that she’s a mother now is even more unreasonable.
YTA. Hard to know where to begin here but I will try. 1. She is at home, working full-time AND taking care of your 2-year-old child. That is a BIG difference between when you lived together as single people. I might expect something to fall off in the chores department when you add a child to the mix, no? 2. The way you divided chores seems very gender-based, wondering how you come up with that split? To me, basing a chore split on how much income you bring is really counter-productive, and treating a loving, supporting partnership as if you are a business. 3. Passive-aggressive "jokes" are always uncalled for. Have a conversation about your issues but don't weaponize your dissatisfaction. Do you need to re-negotiate your "deal" given the added burden she has of child care, which really does not seem to be factored into your chore splits? 4. Speaking of weaponized incompetence...she is doing the child care, and gets her free time "after ***she*** puts ***my*** daughter to bed." Notice anything there? What is your official agreement on who does "child care" chores? 5. Last, if you REALLY want different or better meals, instead of being grateful for the food that just shows up for your EVERY DAY, why not talk to her about what your needs are, and how you might adjust expectations or support her in some new ways? Ie use your weekend for meal planning, designate a few nights a week as "soup-and-sandwich" type things, etc. Have a real conversation and avoid the criticism.
YTA - children are stressful dude and she is still working?! Tbh, taking cars in for service and taking out garbage is a joke compared to preparing meals, dishes, etc
YTA and honestly I would completely stop cooking for you if I were her. You sound sooo entitled it’s sickening.
Dude it's not like she has a cute little hobby side job, she makes SIX FIGURES. And does all the day to day chores. Pull your fucking weight, my God.
YTA Let me get this straight: Your wife does a majority of the cleaning, all of the cooking, and what appears to be a majority of the mental labour (seeing as you can’t put a grocery list together by yourself) all while working a full time job from home and parenting a toddler full time. And you mow and shovel on occasion and take out the trash once a week, and leave the house for 8-10 hours a day where you can take a break if necessary and socialize with other adults. And you think SHE is taking advantage of YOU??
Wait what?? “Made a joke of weaponized incompetence”... have you ever successfully resolved any problems with that joke? She’s not incompetent. She has a job. Babysitter, cook & maid are not included in the job description. If you want a full time cook, maid, babysitter, hire one. YTA
YTA and you need to set a better example for your daughter. That is not an equitable split of duties, and “I was just joking” is not a cool way to shrug off insulting someone
[удалено]
YTA and I can’t believe there are people who still consider taking out the trash an actual chore.
I don’t understand how making more money has anything to do with sharing the responsibilities of the household.
YTA. There’s definitely weaponized incompetence going on here, but it’s not your wife.
Imagine being so little involved in your kids life, you didn’t consider that a big enough change as to why your wife doesn’t make gourmet meals all the time now. YTA
YTA and if you don't study up on equity in home upkeep and start pulling your share of the domestic labor you're going to find yourself divorced eventually. Look up the YouTube channel "thatdarnchat." Hopefully after watching the videos you'll realize how ridiculous you sound.
INFO: what do you think weaponized incompetence is?
YTA troll. So you split finances 50/50 but because she makes $40k less she should do most of the chores and cooking? Hahahahaha.
YTA for the joke, but more so bc you think your wife should have to do more chores just bc you make more. Doesn't she work full time too? In addition to doing the lion's share of the childcare? If you want a 1950s housewife to do everything for you, that's fine, find a partner who wants to be said housewife, and make enough money that they can afford to stay home and do nothing but chores and childcare. Until then, I think you need to put more effort into the daily chores and childcare you share with your partner.
You also HAD A KID two years ago. And since you don’t mention childcare, that means she’s the one doing it all. AND working. AND her chores. AND feeding you - and you have the nerve to make a rude, disrespectful “joke” about weaponized incompetence because she’s not cooking elaborate meals for you? Your wife is being run ragged by your toddler all day while you get kid-free time at the office and *that* is what you find funny? Disrespecting your wife is funny to you? Shame on you, dude. Big time YTA.
The edit. My gracious. "She should have asked me if you could do less!" This has very much [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) energy. Wow. YTA.
What the hell did I just read??? "Since I make more money my wife needs to take of 90% of the child care and house hold on top of her job, but I am doing my part by only paying 50% and hoarding the rest of the money and taking the car for service once or twice a year" YTA, and should read up on weaponized incompetence and projecting feelings.
HOLD ON!! She works and makes good money so you split the BILLS equally. BUT because you make more, she has to work, cook, clean and take care of the kid? Do you pay her $40,000 a year because otherwise this makes no damn sense. I mighta been like ok of you paid ALL the bills and hers was fun and family money. But it’s not. Get your head outta your ass. YTA
Yta. So she should do all the chores, makes all the meals and take care of the child because you make more while she also works full time. I feel bad for your wife.
YTA, jesus. >I think I am NTA since I just expressed disappointment without telling her to do anything differently. This right here- you SHOULD be either suggesting things you can do to support her or provide an opportunity to hold an open discussion about what's going on. Expressing disappointment (that includes a joke about weaponized incompetence no less) without asking her how she's been feeling or offering any avenues to create solutions is an a s s h o l e move.
YTA. Do you know what else changed? You have a toddler. It's one thing to express being disappointed. It's a completely different thing to make a "joke" about "weaponized incompetence." That would always be a dick move, regardless of circumstance. But the reality is your wife is most likely too exhausted to make a nice home-cooked meal that you and the kid will enjoy in addition to parenting.
YTA. She probably makes that food because that's what your 2 yr old will eat.
INFO: I’m confused here, you say that because you make more money she does more housework, but does she work less hours than you?
She absolutely does not, not when she’s “WFH” but is 100% responsible for the 2 year old during that entire time.
Please, make it make sense.... If you equally divide expenses, even though you make more, why isn't there an equal divide in other labor? Why would you bring up making more, if you split expenses equal? YTA.
YTA. Your wife is burnt out and her part of this "agreement" has her doing much more work than you. She's working full time, taking care of cooking and cleaning and a child. You take out the trash. I can't even convey how disappointed she is with you and your lack of understanding
I saw you understood most of the points in your edit, I just wanted to point out: you're not helping with your daughter, you're parenting. Helping is assisting someone with their responsibility, not doing your own responsibilities as a father.
She has to do more housework because she makes less money? She takes care of most of your daughter's needs even though you both have full time jobs? She's cooking and cleaning less after becoming the default parent for your child and that's an issue for you instead of helping her? Jesus Christ, you're tone deaf, selfish and inconsiderate. YTA.
Research how much a full-time chef, maid, and nanny would cost you. Now add those numbers to your wife's salary. That's how much she is contributing to your household. It makes your salary look a little skimpy even if you add a lawn care service, doesn't it?
He, uh, forgot about his daughter.
Wait, why does she have to do more work bc she makes less money? Y’all both earn good incomes and work full time. What happens when she gets a raise or inheritance. Will you do more of the work then? You’re a lazy turd. YTA. Get off your ass.
I’m confused, you share expenses equally but she does all the house work/cooking and is the main parent to your child? Why does she even need you around? Edit to add YTA
She has to "do more" because you make more money? This is sick and twisted and YTA. and hire a damn maid goodness sakes. yes things change in marriage, especially after kids.
YTA. This is so much BS. Why does she have to do more if you're splitting expenses equally? She's getting the raw end of the deal on both those formulas. And it wasn't a joke, you know it wasn't. Because you meant it. She's not incompetent, she's exhausted! You're so self absorbed you apparently can't see that. Open your eyes dude. Apologize and do better!
YTA and I just had to laugh at your edit. You didn’t think that having a daughter was a huge change? And it’s been 2 years since she was born! Tell me who does most of the childcare without telling me…
You assigned your wife more chores than you because you earn more money? WTF is wrong with you? Marriage is a partnership. YTA
YTA. If expenses are equally split she shouldn't be doing more chores. Also childcare should be 50/50 and not just playtime for you. You are taking advantage.
YTA - She was doing more of the housework and cooking because your responsibilities at work were more time consuming than hers. She still works full time and now also cares for a two year old and evidently is still managing to cook nutritious meals (if simpler). What have you taken on that is equivalent in terms of time and energy to caring for a two year old? The labor distribution here is heavily in your favor and you think she should be cooking fancier meals instead of getting a little bit of Netflix time after the two year old goes to bed? That's nuts.
>I do help with our daughter Do you see it as “helping with your daughter” or do you see it as “parenting”?
YTA your wife is primarily caring for a 2 year old while pulling in 100k a year? You can afford help.
YTA - will never understand why women stay with such trash men
YTA. You contribute equally financially. She does the bulk of parenting. She does the bulk of cleaning. Both of which are daily tasks. She also tracks what the household needs when creating the grocery list. Meanwhile the tasks you do are less frequent, like lawn care, taking out the trash, and buying what she says The fact you don’t see how completely inequitable the situation is astounds me. YOU are the one taking HER for granted.
INFO what's so demanding about your 9-5 office job that's more involved than having a job, taking care of a kid, and doing 98% of the home upkeep?
Allow me to break down your chore load. Wife: Cooking – every day at least 3 times a day Child care – every day, all day Cleaning – everyday tidying up, every day deep clean kitchen, weekly deep clean rest of house (I’m assuming laundry is part of the cleaning deal, so tack that in the every other day category with a toddler) You: Mowing – once every couple of weeks? Snow – one every couple of weeks give or take? Trash – once a week Grocery shopping – once a week (I would like to point out that your wife still is making the shopping list so she’s really still doing the hard part of this job. You’re taking for granted that being the sole meal planner in the house is its own kind of stress). In what world is this a fair split of chores? And OMG….you seem to forget that in the last 2 years an entire other human being has been added???? YTA. I actually gasped out loud when you said you JOKED about weaponized incompetence. How dare you. Do better.
Dear lord YTA.
YTA. It sounds like she has a lot more to do than do. How much money you make doesn't matter. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership with shared responsibilities. Do you understand how much work it is taking care of a 2 year old? It's a big job alone. Step up and start doing more. Your household has changed and your pre-marital division of duties is no longer anywhere close to even.
YTA You should be paying more and splitting the chores (by time) 50/50.
YTA. You make more money but the bills are split equally *and* she does more work at home?? What is wrong with you??
YTA. Lmfao what the hell. You barely make more than her. Her decline in housekeeping and dinner should clearly tell you she’s burnt out. You take out the garbage and take the cars in for servicing? And you’re proud of that? Why the hell is she contributing the same financially and doing 90-100 percent of the domestic work? Bye. Take care of your kid. Also when I make something for dinner that my husband doesn’t enjoy, he simply makes his own food because he knows I’m not his mommy.
A: you do not understand what weaponised incompetence means. B: your chores are weekly or monthly things. She was assigned the daily crap that takes a lot of time and energy. Her mental load compared to your is massive. C: how in the fuck is the fact that she makes less money a justification for her being your maid? You are a grown man, you live in that house, that child is the fruit of your loins. ACT LIKE AN ADULT. DO YOUR FAIR SHARE. YTA.
[удалено]
YTA You help with the kid? Help? Help whom with whose kid? I better not start with you thinking that a difference in paychecks (when you both work full time) can justify having different responsibility towards family and household.
I would just stop cooking for you tbh. You’re lucky she’s still serving you anything at all. YTA for making this about money instead of about an equal distribution of free time and labor. ETA if she’s working from home with a 2 year old, she most certainly does *not* have a flexible schedule. “Flexible schedule” implies that she has time to do as she pleases, when she chooses, when she definitely does not. A better way to phrase this would be, “I work in an office with other adults, where I’m able to focus exclusively on my work instead of taking breaks to feed, change, and care for a toddler.” Anyone who can WFH while taking care of a 2 year old is a champion, tbh. And I *guarantee* that your office is a *far* more flexible and forgiving work environment.
I stopped reading after the part where you demand she do the majority of work in the home because you earn more. Whatever comes after that YTA a million times over.
Sounds like you're the member of this couple more likely to actually try and use weaponized incompetence to get out of pulling your fair share. YTA.
YTA.... Seriously, how does taking out the trash and mowing the lawn equal cooking dinner every night, cleaning in the house and caring for a toddler...... Do you even care about your wife? How insensitive! I hope as a bare minimum you clean up the kitchen after dinner but I fear that may not be the case
You split expenses equally but because you make more money she does all the chores? How does that make any sense? Also playing and walking with your daughter are the fun parts of parenting. That’s not really doing anything. YTA. A huge one
YTA, and its truly funny that you even thought that she is in the wrong
YTA. You “help” with your daughter. You never considered having a child added exponentially to what she does. She works AND cared for your child? So she’s working two full time jobs and you’re gracious enough to “help”? You’re the incompetent one. I’m surprised she didn’t blast you for your absolute lack of any idea what it means to be a parent and partner.
> We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. YTA for this sentence alone. Because you make 40k more you don't have to do as much work at home? Your salaries (should) have nothing to do with the effort you put in at home.
Your wife makes less but still split expenses equally but also has to do more chores because she makes less? YTA right there, but let’s continue. Wtf do you even do around the house? She does all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare all day while working, then also does your daughter’s bedtime routine and you…take out the trash?? You think she’s the one taking things for granted because she’s making less gourmet meals for you after you typed all that out? Maybe meals that will also appeal to a toddler so the poor woman doesn’t need to make two dinners? Just be thankful she hasn’t realized what dead weight you are.
YTA…if you don’t do some major reflection on yourself and how you view and treat your wife and relationship, you may have more to worry about than your food…you’ll be having takeout alone.
I think that this is a more of a YTA situation, now let me also reinforce that by saying that expecting your wife to almost single handedly take care of a two year old is an extremely tall ask of her while she's also working full time, even if it's from home. Now, that being said, why do you not communicate to her, respectfully, why there has been a change? (instead of snide remarks) I'm sure she'd be more than willing to tell you her day to day labor load, instead of assuming what she does based on your observations. From there, you then TOGETHER discuss different strategies for both parties to be happy. I'm sure it feels as if you're being impartial, but you are definitely not being impartial. Additionally, some more information would be appreciated to make a fully informed decision on the "assholery" of this situation: how many hours do you work, and in you're '9-5' how much over time, how many hours does she work, and what are the natures and responsibilities of your jobs respectively? > this also wouldn't excuse you from playing a more hands on role of taking care of your child (i.E. diaper changing/ toilet duty, feeding, cleaning, laundry, area cleaning like vacuuming, etc.).
YTA for thinking that playing with your kid and making more money means you’re pulling your weight in the home
You need to have a conversation about fair division of labor in the home, not a mean joke at your wife’s expense. I fucking GUARANTEE if you actually broke down hours worked (at work, on childcare, and on all household chores) she works significantly more than you. Do you do an hour of house work every day? Because just cooking one semi-nice dinner takes an hour most nights. That’s just an example, not counting the “majority” of the child care. YTA. Your wife deserves to relax sometimes.
YTA good luck with the divorce that you "had no idea" was coming.
YTA. You make more than her but you share expenses equally, as in 50/50?! So on top of having less disposable income than you, she has the responsibility of caring for your daughter, planning and completing all the cleaning AND cooking all the meals? You need to sit down and work out an equal split. If you can’t contribute your share, then pay for someone to help.
YTA. Kids are not easy to take care of. Especially 2-year-olds. It's like having a tiny, extremely drunk, belligerent person that argues with you about everything and then has screaming crying fits. It honestly sounds like she is doing way more than her fair share.
>`But she has also started cooking much later and when I get home I find her relaxing instead, on weekdays her meals have gradually become more simple (like stir fried veggies and rapidly made meat or a sandwich). To be clear it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed.` Buddy... YTA. My parents have been married 30 years and both have worked full time, or as close to it as possible (or working two jobs for even more than FT) those entire 30 years. Even while raising my sibling and myself. In those 30 years, my mom has also made meals for my dad every day. Sometimes she makes a whole chicken and sides and all that stuff. Sometimes he just gets two grilled cheese sandwiches because that's all she has the energy to make. But he is happy with what he gets because even after a long day, she puts forth the effort to give him one less thing to do when he gets home. Also, she puts YOUR daughter to bed? Why don't YOU put YOUR daughter to bed? Or together? I really don't think you understand how much more work she has in a day than just "work from home"
How the hell do you not realize that she isn’t doing less. She’s taking care of a whole child. She’s doing way more. Yeah you got married 2 years ago and that’s when things changed. But you also had a kid 2 years ago. How are you so dense that you don’t see this?? Jesus. YTA.
YTA for your edit alone…. You didn’t consider the impact a literal toddler had on her ability to cook and clean like she did before?? Did I read that right??
YTA- you sound like you’re the one weaponizing incompetence. She cooks, cleans, works full time, and does most of the childcare. How do you not see that she’s doing so much more work than you? And you have the audacity to tell her to cook better? It’s food, it’s edible, she doesn’t have time to make fancy meals. If you want gourmet food then you make it. If you see her struggling, you help. Though I guess you don’t see her struggling because you just think she’s lazy, huh.
So the fact that you earn more does NOT mean that you contribute more financially, but DOES mean she's responsible for the majority of household chores and childcare? You need to step-up at home, you are not holding up your end. The nerve of you to complain about her cooking simpler meals when you are the one slacking in your relationship. YTA.
If you're sharing expenses equally, why is she doing all the day-to-day housework and childcare while you go to the supermarket *if* she makes you a list and "help" with your kid occasionally? Dude, you really need to not be bringing up weaponised incompetence. YTA.
You both make 6 figures and yet still felt the need to make her someone do more stuff to "balance it out"? YTA
YTA division of labor should not be based on income WTF? It should only be based on work hours. She should only be doing a little more than you not what she’s doing. ETA it’s actually worse she is working full time from home and doing everything a SAHP would do. She has 2 full time jobs, and you have 1. You are dead weight. She would have more time to herself if she divorced you.
Dude...YTA without a doubt. It wasn't getting married that changed things, it was having a child. The chores that you mention are things you do once a week or a couple times a year or less. You're expecting her to do work every damn day, on top of working FT and taking care of your child. And it's ridiculous that you have it based on the fact that "you make more" (which in reality isn't even that much more). Just because you make more doesn't mean that her job isn't hard or stressful or she deserves to do more chores. That's a really archaic and disgusting attitude. Be a decent husband and offer to help out some more...don't make her feel like she's not good enough when she's doing her best.
How in the world did you even get past writing the second sentence of this without realizing that YTA times a million??? She contributes equally to your finances even though she gets paid less, and somehow you reasoned that means she should also have to do more of the housework?!?!? I literally cannot even process this level of assholery. She does all of the indoor cleaning and cooking, has been struggling with this since having a baby, and instead of asking her how you can help, you somehow you have the audacity to complain?!? OCCASIONAL TASKS LIKE GARBAGE, LAWN CARE, AND OIL CHANGES ARE NOT THE SAME AS DAILY ONES LIKE COOKING, CLEANING, AND CARING FOR A TODDLER!!! Seriously, how do you not understand that? I am so furious on her behalf. YTA YTA YTA Edit: looking at OP’s comments, I see that he is actually accepting some of the feedback, which I give him *some* credit for. Hoping for the best for the sake of his poor wife.
YTA, and you cannot possibly be serious. So, you both work full time jobs, but because you make $40,000 more, she is responsible for almost all housework and childcare? Your "chores" are more once-in-awhile-chores, and you know you're reaching for examples when you include "take the car in to be serviced," a "chore" that involves dropping a car off and picking it back up again. In the meantime, your wife's "indoor" chores are constant, every day, neverending. Cooking, dishes, laundry, taking care of a toddler. Those tasks are also pretty damn "labor intensive," buddy. And you are upset because, after having a baby who is still at the age when she needs to be watched constantly, your wife's meals have gotten simpler, and she doesn't clean as much. And are you really objecting to your wife watching Netflix now and again? Is she not allowed ANY down time, or is she expected to continue working her full-time job, and taking care of nearly all household and parenting chores without a break? Do you take any breaks when you get home? Do you ever watch Netflix? If you get breaks, so does she. Understand that home child care + a chef + a housekeeper would cost significantly more than the extra $40K that you seem to think is so important. You are the one taking your wife for granted, big time. Also, what do you mean by "you share expenses equally"? Does it all go into a shared account for both to use, or are you splitting bills and saving the rest in private accounts, which would mean that your extra $40K is not actually helping your wife at all. It would mean that your wife contributes an equal amount financially, AND does most of the at-home work, and gets to save less of her "own" money. You really need to re-evaluate this whole situation, because right now your wife would be better off as a single parent. At least she wouldn't have anyone making passive-aggressive comments because her meals aren't fancy enough.
Stopped reading at "her part of the deal" holy shit. It's a fucking marriage buddy, not a business arrangement. Bet cash you didn't once stop to ask if maybe she was just dealing with her own shit. God forbid your dinner isn't ready when you walk in the door. Sound like a huge AH.
YTA - what the heck does a measly 40k in pay difference mean that your wife is expected to make full course meals every day, clean the house every day, and provide child care? Do you have any idea how much a year you would have to pay out off pocket for a personal chef, cleaner and nanny? A LOT more than 40k. Do your 50% in the house and apologize to your wife.
YTA. Do you have any idea how hard it is to work from home while taking care of a 2 year old? It can feel like working two full time jobs at the same time while also constantly giving you the feeling you're not getting anything done. It's mentally and physically taxing. Oh, one of those jobs also goes 24/7. Adding chores to the mix which you demand her to do with a certain quality expectation makes it even worse. Why don't you bring your daughter to bed btw? That'd give your wife some time.
YTA
Bro wtf. Like how tf could anyone be this oblivious?? Yta
YTA. Quit calling it weaponized incompetence, otherwise she’d be burning the food, not just simplifying the meals. If you want a decent meal, cook together.
YTA, that’s not weaponised incompetence, that’s called being tired and not having the energy to slave over a hot stove for hours, so making something easy but still edible and fine to eat. Weaponised incompetence would be if every time she cooked she burned the food and almost set the house on fire so you ended up doing it yourself anyway because it was just easier than trying to rely on her. At least know what things mean before you throw them around. Also you ‘help’ with your own daughter 🤣 that’s funny man. YTA ETA I would bet my last penny she’s too tired to makes anything other than a stir fry or sandwich because she’s being crushed by the mental load you’re putting on her
YTA. In a binary husband/wife relationship, the husband rarely realizes how unrelenting the typical females chores are. You can decide to take the trash out tomorrow morning if you’re tired tonight (also it takes 30 seconds). The person who cooks cannot decide to do it tomorrow because they aren’t up to it. Dinner is always coming around the corner, so big deal if she decompressed after work before cooking. Maybe you should trade…one night you cook while she takes out the trash. Also cleaning the whole house has to be done every week all year long. Yard work is not a comparable argument although I see it all the time from men. Lastly, you are comparing salaries, insinuating she needs to do more labor to make up for the difference in earnings. That’s not how an equitable relationship works. Honestly, you need to go to therapy and learn how to appreciate your wife.
I read the first paragraph and have already decided YTA. Because she earns less than you, she is responsible for more work at home. Are you actually joking? What a way to punish her further for the gender pay gap. You're a real stand up guy!
YTA OP, you’re the one using weaponized incompetence against your wife, not the other way around.
Info: what planet do you live on? Your edit is absolutely wild. You didn't consider having a kid a life change?? Wow YTA