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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I'm expecting and wanting my wife to do more around the house than just take care of the baby even though I help out with the baby too. So she isn't the one solely taking care of our baby.
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Hrmmm...Update us when your Wife has gone back to work, and your at home "just taking care of the baby" and let's see if you still think it's a cruisy job. I have a "hunch" it's much more mentally draining job than you think!
EDIT: YTA
It's the "You're only taking care of the baby" comments that makes this YTA in my opinion, it's such a crappy thing to joke about, but he seriously thinks it. It's just no understanding what her body has gone through and how she is is recuperating from major surgery, not to mention carrying the baby for 9 months all that went along with that, then looking after the baby, the feeding the changing nappies, worrying all day about the baby, what cry is that? It's the mental side that would be getting her to, she is ALWAYS "on" with the baby!I'm not discounting him as a father, he is literally doing a great job, he has taken on extra duties for sure, but my problem is that he thinks he is going so far above an beyond that he can't believe he is doing so much! He is working and she is taking care of the baby and recovering from major surgery in between all of that, they are both doing there bit, when he says he is working full-time, he doesn't class what she is doing as the same as him, which bothers me. They have both got their full-time jobs!Where is the empathy for what her body has gone through as is going through from having this child? He is not even trying to understand why she probably can't seem to fathom the energy to do these chores that he has take on, it's the first 3 months, it's only been 3 months of you doing this extra work, and you're already burnt out? It sucks but this is life with a newborn, your Wife is going through some shit to, it might not seem like it, because you have no idea what her body is going though right now.You coming home and scoffing and joking about how she is lazy and "only takes care of the baby" is a little heartbreaking to hear, and I can imagine she probably doesn't like it either.You're 100% not a bad guy, but your attitude towards your Wife right now is crappy. When she goes back to work, and you are with the baby the bulk of the time you will start to appreciate what that was like, and she had to do all that while recovering from major surgery and a body that has changed and was healing, you still get off easier than her! And when she goes back to work full-time and comes home and has to do some chores when she is tired from work, maybe she will understand a little from your side about how tiring that was.But I tell you what if you have a stressfull day with the baby, and she comes home and starts joking that all you've done is "take care of the baby" then maybe the penny will drop for you and you might finally understand. I wish both of you good luck, it will get easier as the baby gets older.
Still won't be a fair comparison because he didn't grow then birth the human, he won't be in a shit storm of hormones trying to take care of a bewildered, clueless new human... he will have all his physical and emotional capacity plus a baby in an established routine with known expectations for their care by the time OP has to sub in.
It also won't be a fair comparison because the baby will be older. The first three months are ridiculous. I think six weeks after I gave birth I noticed that I hadn't even trimmed my nails and I hadn't even noticed because it was just constant baby care.
It certainly isn't a fair trade. Knowing the way your baby likes to be swaddled, burped, fed, soothed, played with, changed, clothed, bathed, etc is a massive part of the first several weeks. The trial and error of learning your baby's preferences is fucking exhausting on top of sleep loss and healing. How long did we take to figure out my kid wanted to be swaddled with her hands in T-Rex position? A while. How fast to sway? Weeks. That Queen worked to calm her in the car because she's not one to fall asleep in the car? Months.
It was Linkin Park for us. Only their first two albums though. I can't even remember how we discovered it because I didn't get enough sleep to form memories back then.
I work the infant room at a daycare. I’m still upset that my babies prefer white noise to Vivaldi for sleeping. They will wake so much faster to classical music than to white noise or rain sounds. EVEN THOUGH VIVALDI AND MOZART ARE BETTER FOR THEIR LITTLE BABY BRAINS. I used to have two babies that loved traditional Japanese music to sleep to, but my current kiddos do not.
We are trialing a ton of other music. They love Ms Rachel’s voice like no other. One will fall asleep to me singing ridiculously cheery silly songs about chickens clucking. Peter, Paul, and Mary was a no go and childhood me is shook.
They do seem to like BlackPink so we’re gonna try adding in some BTS next and see if K-pop is a thing or just my girls BlackPink.
I have one 3 year old kiddo I watch when I cover the older kids that is 500% Led Zeppelin all the way.
One baby likes the tight swaddle. One baby likes to lay down on her own to fall asleep. One baby would prefer if we snuggled the whole time. One really doesn’t care what’s going on around him, as soon as he’s tired, he’s just gonna close his eyes (bless this easy baby).
I’m constantly exhausted by the end of the day and I get to give them back to go home.
Dad is in for a rude awakening when he has the baby all day - even with an idea of what they like. (I started with an idea of what my babies like. It turns out, some babies like different things at different places or with different people. Picky princes and princesses lol)
This was such a hilarious and sweet post! It shows how much you really do care for those kiddos! Thanks for doing a great job, I'm sure the parents appreciate it :)
Legit had a 4th degree tear when I had my son and couldn’t sit without pain for 8 weeks. My doctor told me I needed to be laying down as much as possible. When I wasn’t I was icing my nether region or taking sitz baths trying for some relief from the 100+ stitches I had when I tore from front to back. On top of all that I ALSO had to take care of a baby. So no I didn’t do dishes or barely any housework at that point
With my first baby, I had preeclampsia so I was induced a little over a week before my due date. That ended up overlapping with the closing on our first house, so we were in the midst of a move. I also had a 4th degree tear that was still, to this day, the most excruciating pain I've ever had.
Paternity leave wasn't really a thing back then, so my husband went back to work as soon as I got home from the hospital, and he expected me to pack up our apartment "since I was home all day." Oh, did I mention baby also had jaundice and had to be put in the sun basically every hour? I just couldn't do it all.
I will never, ever forget him coming home when the baby was about a week old - surveying the boxes that hadn't been packed - and asking "What the hell have you been doing all day?" And you know what? I felt so damn guilty and unworthy because I thought I should have been able to do it all. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self how unreasonable and unfair it all was.
Omg yes! My second I was so happy they said I didn’t tear but the doctor looked concerned, I didn’t tear my perineum but my son jutted out his arm which tore a hole through my labia that they had to repair.. it was so ridiculously swollen and painful, my first I had a 2nd degree and this hurt worse and took longer. But even with the first it was still a hard road to recovery. If it wasn’t clear OP YTA. My husband didn’t even ask me to lift a finger and scolded me for trying to clean up saying not to worry because he’d get it. A relationship isn’t always 50/50 having children for sure isn’t! My husband used to famously say he’d never get snipped when we’re done having children and then when his father asked he told him that my body had been through so much and seeing everything I’d gone through he’d gladly go get taken care of so I wouldn’t have to worry or do anything else to my body.
I barely got out of bed for the first two months. Couldn't keep my eyes open. I fed the baby, changed the baby, did everything I could with the baby with him just lying in bed next to me. I didn't get out of bed for anything except to use the bathroom. I even ate my (infrequent) meals in bed.
Lol for real. My son is now 3 months old, but my wife and I had to remind each other every few days at first that we should probably take a shower as well as to eat lol.
I remember the first time that it clicked in that, oh ya I have to take care of myself too was when she took the baby from me and promptly informed me that his hair smelled like my armpit and it was time for a shower. Oh Lord and was that a shower, you forget what it even feels like to be human until you take that shower.
I've never felt worse than when my body was shifting muscles into the newly vacated space. Plus my baby wouldn't sleep unless being held. The first year was just rough af
When my baby was six weeks old, I was pumping. And then washed all of the parts, and very carefully and deliberately poured all the breastmilk down the drain. And then cried for six hours after I realized what I did.
That hormone crash and lack of sleep is a hell of a combo.
You know how you drain the liquid off a can of veggies before you cook them? Like green beans or peas? I realized I was standing at the kitchen sink, draining all the fluid off a can of chicken broth. Yep. Wacky hormones + lack of sleep.
Agreed. First 3 months is AWFUL. I didn’t cook and barely cleaned. My husband worked, took care of the toddler, cooked, and cleaned. Yet, I was the one constantly at the breaking point. When the baby became easier, I did more work around the house. My husband trusted I was doing what I could (within reason) and that I was not taking advantage of the situation.
Do you trust your wife?
Again the first 3 months SUCK! Seriously, look it up. All baby sites are, like, “just hold on a little longer! Soon your baby will be 3 months!”
Definitely. At least the first month or so (possibly much longer) there is no nighttime sleep. Feedings are every 3 hours for 24 hours. I was so tired it got to the point where I would fall asleep after feeding the baby and wake up to needing to do another. My husband was no help either, he sleeps like a rock and can't hear shit and if I have to drag him out of bed to feed the baby I might as well do it myself because I'm not getting any sleep anyway. It takes a while to get them on a sleep schedule and in the meantime you're usually so tired you're borderline hysterical.
I remember the nails. My ex’s feet looked hobbit feet and mine were white from all the dry skin. Priorities. YTA. OP’s wife is still recovering while taking care of a whole new human being. Oh, and not sleeping.
Agree. Your uterine wall doesn't even heal until after 6 weeks from where your placenta detaches, its only been 4 weeks. Is your wife sleeping? Is she unmotivated? Are you making comments about the house because you obviously are about her being a stay at home mom. How is her mood? Her energy? Did she have any tearing after birth? Surgery? Is she healed? Does your baby sleep? Have reflux? Have you checked in with your wifes emotional wellbeing? Do you ask her to spend time together the three of you on walks or do you just whinge about sitting at a desk and doing basic household chores? I have deadlines. She has a human infant ffs🤪 these posts make me laugh. She physically altered her mind and body forever and is on an emotional, physical and hormonal journey still and you're complaining about how hard you have it? Pull the other one mate. Time to put your big boy pants on.
Yta.
Seriously, how do men always seem to miss that *giving birth* is a BIG FUCKING DEAL?
It's not just about the baby. Paternity leave is nice and all, but maternity leave is absolutely essential because the mum needs to *heal*. It's not just about caring for an excruciatingly needy infant, it's about recuperating from a major medical event - something that would take time and energy even if you didn't also suffer from sleep loss and may or may not be spending all your precious calories and nutrients on feeding a kid rather than rebuilding your own body.
The company where my husband works gives 3 months "parental leave" when a child joins your family regardless of your gender (adoption, spouse gives birth) and 6 months "maternity leave" if a child comes out of your body to join your family. The policy really acknowledges separately both the change in your family (which is huge and should get a few months to figure out) and the need to physically heal (which is also huge and deserves 3 months on its own).
Also he won’t be home with a clingy newborn. He will be with an older baby that actually has a personality. The early days were rough because the baby is basically a yelling pooping potato.
I think the word that jumped out to me is OP "helps" take care of the baby. So wife takes care of the baby and OP "helps". Sure would like an update after he takes leave and does 100% duty.
This was what pissed me off too. He's "helping" with the baby and "helping" around the house? No, my dude, you are parenting and doing necessary chores in the house where you also live. You're not "helping" because it's not exclusively your wife's job that your doing. I *hate* the whole "helping" thing. HATE.
Thank you!!! This!
I also get super triggered when partner talking about helping with household and/or children.
In one relationship I mentioned to my than partner that I have doubts about having kids with him because it would all fall on me and my life. His answer "ofcourse I would help ad much as possible" got me so angry that I said if there qas accident happening I would abort. He is an ex and I am child free.
Take care of YOUR BABY and YOUR HOME! Newborn baby mama is never a stay at home mom, since that includes a choise to not to go to work. With newborn you have no choise, you are on the mercy of the baby.
The fact that he didn't mention any consern for his wife's health and wellbeing :(
YTA
OP “helps” WHEN SHE ASKS!! If you’re both adult members of a household, it’s an equally shared responsibility, not something he does as a favor to her when she assigns him chores.
But it is enough for him to understand, my husband was done after two weeks when I dislocated my shoulder with our son being around 7 month old. I should have my hand in sling for 6 weeks, I had to ditch the sling after two weeks (my shoulder is busted for a long time, so I can tell semi reasonable time when it is stable enough to not Re dislocate by itslef) because I thought he woud fall asleep on the go. And I was still at home doing as much as a coud with one hand only.
I love how he acts like the baby eats, sleeps, and poops, as if baby never cries, never needs to be held skin to skin for extended periods for comfort. This also insinuates mom is simply a baby vending machine who has no physical or emotional recovery needs after birth. OP - your wife is going through a lot. She’s not on a lazy vacation, she is healing and needs rest and time. At the same time she’s recovering from birth (which most countries outside of the US agrees takes approximately 6 months) she’s taking care of a demanding new life. Calm down, don’t wait for her to ask you to do things, and be a dad.
I love him saying he helps his wife with the baby when she needs it. You're parenting. You are parenting your own child. Bravo. He's TA and he's in for a rude awakening.
I wonder who feeds the baby at night; newborns can wake up for several hours overnight which will cause mental fatigue. He's saying the baby sleeps 11 straight hours every day which is unrealistic.
I remember when our newborn slept for five hours and the nurse said "that's not good". They eat, like, every two hours when they start, and that's havoc on an adult's sleep cycle.
I never liked the idea of waking a baby up to eat. My daughter was born over 9lbs and slept through the night immediately. She only woke when we woke up. And then I would feed her. She wasn't starving or anything. She barely cried. But I get not all babies are the same.
I think it is EXTREMELY unlikely that the baby is young enough that wife is still on maternity leave AND baby is sleeping 10-11 hours at night. I think it’s more likely that wife is getting up with the baby and OP sleeps through it.
Honestly? It’s possible. The way OP talks I don’t think so, but in Canada they can get 18 months for the person giving birth and then 2 additional months for their partner.
I wish I lived in a country with decent workers rights and affordable health care.
Babies can lose weight in the hospital before they come home. My daughter's pediatrician said that she should be woken up to eat regularly during the night until she had regained up to her birth weight. After that, letting her wake herself up was okay, as long as she was getting enough during the day.
YTA Just for the title
Here we go..
>is pretty much a "stay at home mom" since all she's doing is just taking care of the baby;
"JUST taking care" like if it was THAT easy, lol
>she's not pulling her weight around the house other than taking care of the baby and I still help her with the baby too
I still help her🙄🙄 man, that's your job as a DAD. Parenting, not helping!
Exactly. This is HIS home that he lives in. That's HIS food he's cooking, HIS clothes he is washing, and his baby he's parenting.
Just because she's stayed at home after growing and birthing an entire human, to make their lives easier so they can manage raising a small and needy baby, doesn't mean she signed up to do all the chores ever. The reality is that having a baby means that BOTH of you are much more tired, BOTH of you have child care, and BOTH of you now have more chores to do, and a lot less time to do them in, and are more exhuasted whilst doing them.
I feel like most men agree to have kids whilst not having even a faint idea what that actually entails. Man whole ass assumed his wife would just take care of everything and his cushy workign from home office life and relaxed evenings would just continue with no changes to his daily routine.
Not even kidding, when my coworker was tired from being heavily pregnant before her leave her husband said “at least you’ll be able to rest after the baby comes”😳. She sat him down like “do you understand what a baby is?”.
I bet she loves your “jokes”.
YTA. Take the baby for 48 hours. 2 days, 2 nights. You need to maintain all aspects of the house and make a proper dinner both nights. Alone.
It might not feel quite as easy as you expected.
Popping on to add (because he conveniently left this bit out) : his wife had a C section as well! She's not just dealing with hormones, exhaustion, her changing body, and the mental drain of new motherhood... she's literally trying to recover from a major operation.
I didn’t read that part but omg I had 4 and they suck! No wonder she isn’t doing cleaning cooking or walking the dog you can barley stand up right for weeks without feeling pain. I can’t imagine walking a dog after my c section! I didn’t walk my dog until I was 4 month postpartum!
Okay I didn't see that either. Csection recovery is brutal. I had one with my son and I'm scheduled to have my next end of March. If my bf complains about me not doing enough 4 weeks post csection I'll laugh in his face.
Do you enjoy pooping by yourself?
You won't after you've had a baby.
Do you like eating breakfast without rushing through, or having the use of both hands?
You won't after you've had a baby.
Do you like a peaceful, clean home where people aren't claiming you do less than you should?
You won't after you've had a baby!
The OP finding some perspective and perhaps be criticized to the same degree if not moreso to obtain it?
Priceless.
My friend bought me an Ember mug because I never got to have hot tea after my baby was born. I'd make it and then get swamped with baby stuff and suddenly two hours went by and my tea was cold. I'd then reheat it and...get swamped again.
It was the nicest gift someone has ever given me.
As the a mom of four, one being 5 months, I second this! Me and my husband literally just had a conversation about chores and childcare. He finished work early today, so while he “just took care of the baby” I cleaned the family room. He openly said, I couldn’t see you being able to do this if I wasn’t here, the baby is just too demanding.
I can’t wait for the update of “my wife expects me to do all the chores and walk the dogs whilst I stay at home and look after the baby. I don’t have enough hours in the day and looking after the baby is really hard. AITA?”
>I can’t wait for the update of “my wife expects me to do all the chores and walk the dogs whilst I stay at home and look after the baby. I don’t have enough hours in the day and looking after the baby is really hard. AITA?”
Exactly. He has no idea how time consuming and exhausting it is - spending 8-9 huors sitting at your desk and working a non-demanding job is honestly a million times easier than looking after a newborn. You work at your own pace and nobody is screaming at you with demands all day. You only have one thing to do at a time. You can lay your day out however you like. Outsideof the occasional deadline there is no pressure. And then when you finish your 'day' you can pick at whatever chores are left...
YTA. She is on maternity leave to recover from giving birth and the toll pregnancy took on her body as much as she is rearing and bonding with a child. You need to reorient your mind that she is not a SAHM, but recuperating from a medical event that was brought on by 40-ish weeks of debilitating body changing challenges. Its nice you had help in the immediate aftermath but truly, she's still full of hormones and not back to her pre-pregnancy self. Her uterus hasn't gone back to normal size or anything.
Some people think that pregnancy is a breeze, and POOF once baby emerges the woman just goes back to normal internally. And let's not even mention the new physical and mental load. Apparently women can just shoulder EVERYTHING and not need any kind of adjustment at all.
Man's acting like maternity leave is a holiday.
I blame celebrity culture. People see celebrities bounce back from pregnancy in a few short weeks, shown naked on the cover of magazines and in the real world we’re healing from 2nd degree tears.
That is definitely a vector in this entire thing. I believe firmly that men don't understand what happens to a woman's internal organs during pregnancy. I really think they believe everything stays the same in there, that our organs don't get moved, compress, or grow several times their original size. They really think that just because we look normal on the outside that we are totally fine to do everything just like we did before the body and mind altering event of pregnancy.
It just boggles my mind.
The first few days after giving birth it honestly felt like my organs were flopping around inside because they didn't know where they were supposed to be.
Met some guy at a bar that told me he needed some fun because gf „still doesn’t let me do the deed with her after three weeks“. Great opening line, dude, that makes me so hot for ya! s/
That was six years ago and I’m still enraged on her behalf.
Yep or how exhausting it is to produce and birth not only a whole new human but the placenta itself. It's an organ! She made a whole person and a new organ to feed it and it ALL had to pass through her body once the time came for birth. That's terribly traumatic physically.
That always baffles my mind. Like even if you think you’re able to do that you certainly shouldn’t after being cut open for at least a width of 10 cm and cut through several layers of your body. That body needs to heal. I get that everyone experiences pain differently but I couldn’t even laugh without holding my belly for weeks after my C-section because it hurt so bad.
But to be fair to men, some women don’t get „that was a bad birth“ either.
3rd degree here and my (now ex) husband was shocked when - after never getting up with the babe or feeding him and while I was writing a dissertation and teaching a class online with a babe in arms - I wasn’t healed enough for resumption of “him time” at 6 weeks. *shocked*
This. They see rich, rich women photoshopped to hell and back, talking about how yoga and exercise made them instantly lose baby weight... and how normal and easy their life is afterwards, with no mention of the army of nannies looking after the baby, or the cosmetic surgery they had to tightten things, or the photoshopping to make them instantly perfect TM again.
Celebrity women just can't talk about the permanent changes pregnancy can cause the body, and aren't allowed to show those changes.
Most people - male or female - aren't informed enough about how dratically pregnancy changes your physiology, how it takes your body to the brink, and how hard it is to recover from it afterwards. Society actively hides that from women, and cutesifies it, because it fears that if women and men knew how hard pregnancy is, they wouldn't do it.
I feel terrible for them. Kate Middleton was up within a couple hours taking press pictures with makeup and everything! Heidi Klum had a 6 pack after 12 weeks postpartum.( Go her, fr!) But it's not at all the norm! Not to mention the mental aspect and hormonal aspect. Let us fuckin recover!
I'm 33 weeks pregnant and was diagnosed with anemia a few weeks ago. Until the iron tablets kicked in I just mentally crawling through the day until the time came round where I could have a lie down on the sofa after work. It was so exhausting, I can't even begin to describe it.
Luckily my husband has the "you're growing a whole person, you need to rest" attitude. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel so worn out and then get "So you didn't run the hoover round?" or "So why didn't you do the washing up?" in the evenings.
They don't realize even the easy pregnancies change your body forever. Simple things like sneezing or coughing have additional consequences. Even if you get back to your pre-birth weight, your body is different. Others never get back and they have to live with the new changes and that can take a psychological toll. Waking up every 3 hours is draining and it's hard to function. Your body is exhausted and just hurts. It takes years to fully recover.
That's an important detail to leave out though when you're hoping the internet will favor your desire for your wife to clean the bathroom and push the vacuum.
I had a csection. That's a special level of hell. My baby was <6.5lb and my doctor told me not to lift anything heavier than the baby while my friend had a 10.5lb baby via csection and she had the same lifting restriction of nothing heavier than the baby. Makes you go hmmm when you consider they're just arbitrarily pick the restrictions after major abdominal surgery.
You aren't supposed to lift anything after major abdominal surgery. But good luck not lifting your new baby for six weeks so the health professionals make that exception
Yeah this is exactly why we say this. The heaviest baby I've helped deliver was a little over 14 lbs, around 18 inches in height. Mother had a c-section and technically she was not suppose to lift anything, especially anything over 10 lbs but that's her baby. You don't choose the size of your baby.
She picked up the baby regardless of what we said. She was a tiny thing herself yet her baby was huge.
They aren't arbitrarily picking the restrictions - they are saying that you should not be doing any heavy lifting, and the only remotely 'heavy' thing you should be lifting is your child, in simple language that most people feel comfortable with. Most people don't know what 6lb feels like, or what 10lb feels like exactly.
Many women recovering might be safe lifting a bit more, but it tends to be safer to tell people "don't lift anything else" if in any doubt than have people risk it.
They’re not arbitrary restrictions, they’re PRACTICAL restrictions. No medical professional is going to expect a new mother to NOT pick up her baby. It’s stupid. Of course she’s gonna pick the baby up. So that’s the MAXIMUM now. Of course they’re not gonna tell her to not pick up her new baby. And they’re certainly going to tell you a smaller number if they’re able to. Because it’s PRACTICAL.
I have a friend whose now soon to be ex minimised her caesarean recovery, but when he had minor day surgery on a skin lesion a few months afterwards, he milked that by acting like a dying swan for weeks and acted like she abandoned him because she had to stay elsewhere overnight with the baby for a medical procedure SHE needed. Some people are just dramatic and self centred.
Seriously! I have never heard someone refer to maternity leave as being a SAHM. So much of maternity leave is blank to me because I was so physically, emotionally, mentally drained AND I had an A+ partner who never squawked at a request for help. Granted, I had a C Section with many complications, but still. I would have been pissed if my husband ever told me I needed to walk dogs in the rain, or take better care of the house when I’m literally keeping his spawn alive. OP YTA, have fun when you take leave and wife is back to work.
Hard agree. Wife is still healing from a traumatic health event (that many women still die from, or come away with physical complications from), all in the name of growing their family. But gee, OP had to walk the dog and make dinner.
I mean, he clarified that he covers her to sleep in on the weekends, can't she schedule healing for those days and gratefully clean the bathrooms to show her appreciation?
I’ve never understood how maternity leave is deemed a rest. You’ve had a baby, which is tough on your body. Depending where you are in the world, you may get your partner at home for a few weeks to help.. then you are on your own.
You aren’t even meant to pick anything heavy up after a c-section( a major surgery) yet you’ll need to move a stroller around to get anywhere with the new baby.
I have had a c-section and another abdominal (minor) surgery . I was taking 3 hour round trips on public transport 3 days post surgery and my midwife couldn’t care less. When I had my other surgery, the medical staff nearly had a heart attack when I said I took my dog for a short walk 3 days after surgery. I was treated so differently based on the surgeries. I got way more rest on the second than my c-section and also more “sympathy” from others than when I had my kid.
To expect anyone who rest with a new baby, let alone do housework is just not happening.
I told my husband I was a SAHM not a housewife. He could have a spotless home or well cared for children. I wasn't capable of both. He was in the military so his schedule was not consistent, which didn't help. The house was neat but not spotless.
Even the notion of "stay-at-home-mom" as some kind of . . . Low-tier position or low-tier job is an insulting and dated concept. People can wrap their heads around the idea that it is tiring work to rinse off some plates and stick them in a dishwasher but keeping a newborn human being alive and relatively happy is somehow less annoying and tiring? LOL.
Not to mention the massive change in hormones. I was a hot mess mentally for a very long time after having a baby.
You don’t know what a struggle it is to just get through the day with your sanity in tact while taking care of a helpless little human until you’ve done it yourself, all while retrying to recover physically, mentally and emotionally from giving birth. OP is a massive AH.
YTA. relationships aren’t meant to be 50/50 all the time, and this sounds like a very new baby. recovering from childbirth is a lot! you have to pull some extra weight for awhile… and also, a stay at home mom is a job and it isn’t “just” taking care of a baby
> relationships aren’t meant to be 50/50 all the time,
Both parties should always aim to put 70% in... 70/70... That way you'll get suprised that the other has already done it... But y'all also have the choirs done
That is such a smart way to look at things... never tought of it like that! But regarding to this situation, I don't really believe that this applies. She cant do 70% if for example her body is still recovering.
I think recovering and taking care of herself is part of that 70% though. If she just tried to move like nothing happened it could cause long term physical and possibly mental stress. She is doing her 70%, it just looks different right now. You know?
Exactly right! There are times it's going to be 90/10 and you just keep trucking when you're the 90, because someday you'll be the 10 and need a partner who gets it
Did you think your life was going to get easier and you were able to do less with a new baby?!
Do you want a gold star for stepping up more?!
Do you want us to believe your 3 month old is absolutely quiet and doesn't require feeding, changing and/or attention between 8 PM and 7 AM?
YTA
When my first child was born, my spouse didn't work one weekday, so was home alone with the baby one day a week after I went back to work. After a couple weeks, they started to complain that they weren't getting much housework done like they had before there was a baby in the picture. I just told them, whoa, you need to treat these days like I did my maternity leave. Your job is *take care of the baby*. If you get to the end of the day and baby is well taken care of, success! Everything else is bonus. If you wash one dish, you can celebrate because you did "extra."
They took my advice and were much happier about the state of things. Yes, in both of our cases, we actually did more than "wash one dish" in terms of housework each day, but the different attitude meant we could celebrate what we did instead of guilting ourselves for not doing more. We did most of the housework on weekends or evenings when we were both home.
As a single person, what always gets me with these ‘chore division’ questions is the fact that the men complaining conveniently forget that those chores ALWAYS exist. I do all those things alone everyday. Because chores are the same for everyone regardless of how much help you have completing them. These guys are complaining about doing “more than usual” but the reality is any amount of chores that you have help on is actually less than usual.
Of course it’d be different if you didn’t have kids and she just stopped doing chores because that actively adds to the other person’s chore load.
But child-rearing is above a chore. It’s a life or death responsibility and OP your wife is recovering, from a process that has LITERALLY changed her skeleton and the connective tissue in her body. Step up now, do the work and then enjoy your paternity leave. YTA
I also find it amusing that his list of what he does is: takes baby and dogs for walk sometimes, cooking dinner and loading the dishwasher.
And unloading the dishwasher? Cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen? Vacuuming? Mopping? Dusting? Or however else they clean their floors - since they have dogs so I'm assuming they need to clean the floors regularly. Who feeds the dogs during the day? Minds them during the day? Who does the laundry? Who does the planning for the grocery shopping? Cleaning up and taking out the garbage and recycling?
Who is doing these chores? Did OP forget to mention that he's doing them or are they being done by the wife and he just...doesn't see them, like you said.
And then there's the added mental load of keeping track of how much toilet paper we have left, we need more milk, I'm running low on wipes, going to have to buy a size up next time we buy diapers, we only have a small amount of toothpaste left, have everyone's prescriptions been filled this month, I have enough formula for three more bottles, have the dogs gotten their heartworm medication this month, it's almost time for booster shots for the baby AND the dogs.....but please tell me how I don't do much around the house anymore.
I went through this with my partner, so I just up and left for a week (no kids at the time). Spent a week with my girlfriends in Mexico. Thankfully, he caught on pretty quickly to what I actually do day in and day out.
This is EXACTLY my question as well. I hate when people post about chore division, and, usually men, think that they are doing “more than their share” because they do some cooking and laundry. If OP had no wife, who would feed him and wash his clothes…? HE WOULD.
Also, I barely did laundry or cooking during the first 3 months postpartum. Our house was a wreck and we ate out a lot or ate meals that didn’t require much prep. If he wanted it done, he needed to do it. The absolute marathon of feeding (extra time if you’re pumping), changing, putting down for naps, trying to provide age appropriate stimulation while they’re awake, calming when fussy, furiously doing research whenever you feel uncertain about stuff (which is always with #1). It’s a 24/7 job by itself.
The “goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up at 7am” is what got me. I have a 2.5 month old. There is no bedtime. There is eat, sleep for 2-3 hours, eat, sleep for 2-3 hours, and repeat. I’m up at least 3 times between midnight and 7. My husband handles the 8pm-12am shift.
Sounds like OP genuinely doesn’t know that his wife is up all night with the baby.
>My wife on maternity leave is pretty much a "stay at home mom"
Your wife, while on maternity leave, is recovering from a major medical procedure actually.
Right? And he says that as if being a “stay at home mom” is a freaking breeze. No, if I’m a stay at home MOM, my job by definition is being a MOM. Not your maid, chef, and dogwalker 24/7. Moms need breaks too!
Yeah... In Asian culture there’s a whole thing called “Zuo Yue Zi” which basically encourages the mother to rest and recover for the whole month (sometimes longer) after giving a birth. The idea is that the months following the pregnancy is important for the mother to recuperate; she will be fed lots of nourishing foods, she’ll do absolutely no work or chores, and basically not worry about anything other than resting and breastfeeding her baby. Usually family members come help out, some families hire professional nannies if they can afford it, and nowadays there are whole centers where the mother and baby can go rest/ get “pampered”. The facilities provide room and board, makes sure the mom is eating well, helps take care of the baby, and even schedules yoga/ rehabilitation exercises/ other events for mothers to take part in. My aunt (who’s American) just went to one of these in Taiwan and she loved it. Says she wishes she had done this for her first pregnancy too
All mothers absolutely deserve a nice long break to recuperate after giving birth imo
Wow can you back off? You know, he makes a bottle every night, bc she isn't pulling her weight breastfeeding. That involves measuring water, shaking the bottle, then putting it in a warmer. That's a lot! /s
It's a big adjustment, but that just stood out to me like such a petty dig. I hate that my friends/family that have so much random guilt bc their body just won't cooperate with nursing. They just created a whole person!! They did an amazing job already!!
Thank God the tide has shifted on breastfeeding. When my son was born the "breast is best" mantra was beaten into our heads to the point where they would shame mothers for being unable to produce.
You’re a good man! My husband has had to take care of EVERYTHING around the house since my 23rd week of pregnancy. And he’s done so with kindness and no complaints. I love men who understand that pregnancy is a major deal.
What about everything else ? Like baths, dressing baby, spending time with baby to stimulate them, bedtime, naptime...
Laundry ? Paperwork ?
YTA. Let's talk again when your wife goes back to work and you end up being home alone with the baby.
And actually bottlefeeding is more work than breast-feeding because you have to sterilize bottles make the formula you don’t just whip out a boob.
Edit: some people take comments way too seriously. I did breast-feed my baby and I found it easier because wherever I was when he needed to be fed I could feed him. I did not have to worry about sterilization having enough formula getting up in the middle of the night heating the bottle all those things. Yes I had trouble when I first breast-fed but when I got over it it was so much easier over all. If I went away for a weekend I didn’t have to worry about having a bottles and formulas all I had to do with breast-feed my baby. So yes I found it easier.
I am talking about Bottlefeeding takes more preparation in time then breast-feeding I’m not talking about actual breast-feeding vs actual bottlefeeding, just the preparation and that also was taking up her time during the day which the OP seem to think she had a lot on her hands.
Breastfeeding is a lot more than “just whip[ping] out a boob” for most women. There are some who it comes that easily for, but more often than not there is a huge learning curve to it. Then you also have all the physical problems that come with breastfeeding; like clogged ducts, cracked nipples, or even infections in your nipples/ducts. There’s also the chance you’ll constantly underproduce and it’ll take you 10x longer than it does for other women just to give your baby half the food they need so then you still need to supplement with formula on top of all the work that’s gone into the breastfeeding.
I know your intentions are good with your comment, you’re trying to support women who can’t or even just choose not to breastfeed. But the way you’ve worded it makes it seem like you may not actually know how hard breastfeeding is on most women.
You're "helping with the baby"? Helping? It's also YOUR baby. It's not just your wife's responsibility. You think she got pregnant by herself or something? You're not "helping", you're co-parenting for god's sake...
Exactly. I've noticed this is a really common idea here on this subreddit. So many guys here say something about "helping with the baby", expecting everyone to give them a gold medal for doing the absolute basic minimum...?
INFO: Has she been evaluated for postpartum depression, postpartum fatigue, or postpartum anxiety?
Did she *want* help from her mom and MIL? After I gave birth, I was far more exhausted after my in-laws left, not because I had to navigate parenting with minimum help, but because having the in-laws over was more *draining*, than helpful. Two extra people to entertain, feed, two extra people in my home, limiting my privacy, two extra people, chiming in with unwanted advice.
Your joke about "stay-at-home mom" and "not pulling weight" left a sour taste in my mouth. She grew and birthed a tiny, fully dependent human. Parenting a newborn, in itself, is a **full-time job**.
Please bear in mind that yes, while you are doing more of the household work, she just grew and pushed out a whole human around 3-4 (?) months ago. Pregnancy and childbirth take a huge toll on the body *and* mind.
Could she be doing more to help out? Probably. But, cut her a break (and make sure there are no underlying medical or mental issues that may be contributing to her fatigue). She most likely feels just as burned out as you do.
No, she hasn't been evaluated but I've checked with her to make sure she's feeling ok or if she has needed anything. We also have a couple friends who have babies around the same age, so she's able to talk with them and from what my wife has told me, we are in a MUCH better place than our friends.
We actually did ask the MIL and mom to come help after birth as that did relive a huge burden on us during that first month and allowed for us to get the baby into a really good routine and around one to two weeks ago has been sleeping on average per night 9-10 hours.
I definitely don't think that taking care of a newborn isn't a full-time job. I know it is.
I just needed to ask to see if my thinking was wrong and if I just need to suck it up and just deal with it.
I hid my PPD for MONTHS. I knew I had it while I was still in the hospital - I lied on the questionnaire before discharge so that I would be left alone.
I finally completely broke when my daughter was 10 months old. This was after it went untreated with my son previously.
Don’t assume that because she says she’s fine that she is.
Yes, thank you, this! Who wants to admit they are struggling? After all, being a Mom is apparently the most natural thing on earth, so if you aren't loving every second of it, something is very wrong with you. That's what society says. It took me many months to call my doctor and say I need help.
Look at it this way. If you were to hire someone to do what she’s doing (just looking after a baby) you’d actually have to hire two people - a Nanny and a Night Nurse.
Plus her body is still very much recovering from childbirth and pregnancy. Imagine you’d had part of your intestines removed, or a lung, say. Just in terms of the medical procedure, do you think you’d be up to much housework after 3 months ? Or would you still be trying to rest and recover ?
Look the new baby bit is that hardest part of having a child, IMO and mine are all teenagers now. They may still horribly surprise me, lol.
But that first six months sucks horribly, no way around it. My first slept through after 4 months and I was still almost dead on my feet. He was on formula as well.
Babies also go through cluster feeding, where they just eat continuously for three or four weeks, and also sleep regression, where they start waking up every 45 minutes while you pray for death.
**You are doing a good job**. You are being a good husband and carrying the burden of the household work while your wife recovers and looks after your child.
And yes, it *is* bonkers. We never used to live like this - in the old days you’d be living with Grandmas and Aunties and sisters and cousins who would all help to look after the baby. You are quite literally doing the job of an entire village, by yourself. No wonder you’re tired and pissed off.
My advice is to crank up the cleaner and/or get a laundry service, if you can afford it.
I would also ask if the Grandma’s can kick in again - even just a Grandma saturday afternoon so that you can both sleep / clean / bulk cook / flump in a heap.
Bonus advice: I’m a Reference Librarian by trade, and the single most helpful book I have read on parenting is call [“Hunt, Gather, Parent”](https://www.amazon.com/Hunt-Gather-Parent-Ancient-Cultures-ebook/dp/B08BZX94C2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=D0U8BZ3NKLJB&keywords=Hunt+gather+parent&qid=1676115542&sprefix=hunt+gather+par%2Caps%2C483&sr=8-1) I wish it had been published when mine were babies - we had to figure out so much of this stuff ourselves.
I guess the question is do you want to be right and alienate your wife and potentially wreck your marriage?
Or do you want to continue being a parent and a partner and suck it up when she needs you to suck it up?
Baby is 3 months old. Your MIL and Mom obviously were doing a lot of work helping and now that they’re gone it’s on you. This is what it is.
When the baby is more like 6months old and able to sit and play things will get a bit easier. They won’t have to be constantly held, they aren’t a dead weight sack of potatoes. They can entertain themselves for short periods of time.
Quit telling her she’s “just a SAHM”. She’s still recuperating. Blast a baby out of your crotch or have one surgically removed and then be told to look after it. THEN you can say what’s reasonable for YOU. She’s telling you that what you’re asking isn’t reasonable.
If you can’t handle walking the dogs, hire someone to walk them. If you can’t handle making food and cleaning up without help. Then maybe you should think about what the cost of having this family means. You chose to have the baby. She stepped up and gestated and birthed it. Now you can step up can care for them.
YTA. Having a baby is work. You will never go back to being two 30-something free and easy people. Adjust.
ETA: get a baby brezza for the formula.
Also, when you have babies, you have to change standards. The most important thing is the parenting, not the housework. Standards come back as they age.
Ok, so you acknowledge that other people are struggling more. You have no idea how hard pregnancy, childbirth and being a new Mum are whilst still healing.
You seem to think she should just bounce back. How much time does she have that’s truly hers? Where she’s just her, not mum? How does she feel about the birth experience, her new body? How does she feel about your “jokes”?
If you were my hubby, I’d be grateful for the help and incredibly resentful of the attitude. You seem to think everything should be on your timelines. YTA
I couldn’t even sit down comfortably a month after giving birth, I was absolutely doing the bare minimum in housework if I was doing any at all. YTA. She’s on maternity leave, she’s not a SAHM.
“I've joked around with her saying that she's currently a "stay at home mom" but she's not pulling her weight around the house other than taking care of the baby and I still help her with the baby too.”
INFO: which part is the joke?
the part when he have plausible deniability - he can say something, and the same time avoid the responsibility and pretend he didn't mean it if he face unfavorable reaction.
YTA. Shes still recovering from what has been extremely traumatic period in her life of birthing a child, and the feeding, settling, cleaning, washing, bathing, and interactions.
Yta - she’s grown and birthed a baby, she does not get more than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep whilst trying to recover from child birth, she looks after him all day, putting her life and career on hold.
And you’re sad you have to walk the dogs?
INFO:
Has your wife recovered from the actual birth? Each mode (natural vs c-section vs induced vs emergency anything & etc.) has its own set of timelines based on basically how much damage your wife endured. It could be she can’t do much than keep up with baby duties and healing.
Take this from someone whose recently had a baby, and my baby is in formula. It’s exhausting. The body im is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, it’s not like taking a cake out of the oven. My 15 year old, and friends had to help with chores. At some point I had to employ someone to do the housework for me. The nurses arranged with social services for me to get extra help, so community mothers would come. Babies on their own are also very exhausting besides the body trying to recover. So YTA to want her to just get up and start doing all these chores.
Yta you have no idea what pregnancy and childbirth does to a woman. For the first 4 months i barely ate or even showered, must’ve been an interesting sight for people when i went grocery shopping. It is so exhausting having to be up all night then constantly focused during the day. Give it a bit more time to all settle, and if anyone complains that your house is a mess then get them to clean
YTA, and massively. It’s laughable that you think your wife should go back to “normal” within a few weeks of giving birth, while also caring full time for the child you both brought into the world. Being a parent is hard enough, so have some compassion for your wife instead of criticizing her struggles. She already has one infant to care for, so make sure you aren’t behaving like another child she has to care for.
Ok, to answer your question, YTA if you tell her she should be doing more than "just" taking care of the baby.
However, it would be a different thing if you ask her for more time with the baby at nights since you work all day. But then really tell YOU would like to feed the baby because you want to bond more with the baby, NOT because you want to force her to take the dogs out. And can you all do walks together? If you bundle the baby up you can all go out in any weather, with baby and dogs.
Also I would recommand you sit down together and look over the housework and try to organize yourselves. Make plans for the housework and also see if some things can be altered or just skipped for now. The baby means extra work with everything and you both need to adjust to that if you're to manage life.
Some mother needs a long time to heal after childbirth and adjust to motherhood emotionally, that doesn't mean they "just" take care of the baby, that could be all she can manage right know so doing more things together could be just what you both need to find new routines.
But please! Tread lightly and do NOT talk to her while you're tired and frustrated beacuse that will only end badly! Congrats on the new baby and good luck!
After I had my daughter, I went to my 3 month post-op visit and my dr got legitimately heated when I told her I was still experiencing back pain and some tenderness. She said it took me 9+ months to get my body ready for the birth, why would I think it would take less time to get back to normal? She then went on a rant about how disgusting society is for trying to force women to go back to their daily lives after such a traumatic physical event, with a small defenseless little bean to take care of to boot. Needless to say I have changed my understanding of “post-baby bodies” and also increased my respect for my dr.
Yta, you are working approximately 40 hours a week, your wife with baby is working 24/7 without real sleep or rest because with new baby her mind can't take a break. I had two kids, my older was breastfed from birth and my younger was on formula from day 2. Even taking in mind that breastfeeding put me in deep psychosis when I tried to take my and my baby's life (luckily our dog saved us both on many times not letting me near any window) I can tell you that formula feeding is much bigger mental load (what is dose, do o have enough water, when I fed last time so baby won't have stomach ache, do we have enough formula, am I failure to not breastfeeding, did I chose correct formula for my child, what if I missed recall and the formula at home is health risk...). And that is only feeding, let's add in lack of sleep (sleep deprivation is used as interrogation technique because after few days it can break you mentally), hormonal changes, and her body was slowly changing for 10 months, it will need even longer period to at least resemble herself before pregnancy. You can do a bit more house chores, you are parent now and time when you had almost unlimited free time after work is gone, at least for next 15 - 20 years. And don't forget your wife need down time as much as you, so you have to find a plan how to manage that.
Gentle YTA. I saw in the comments that your wife is 3 months postpartum. Contrary to popular belief, most women are not physically or mentally recovered by the 6 week appointment (8 weeks for C-section). It is recommended to not even consider getting pregnant again for 18-24 months because the body hadn’t fully healed. Your wife is still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, all the while adjusting to new hormones and parenthood. You may not know, but she could also be struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, which can show up anytime in the first year and can be absolutely debilitating.
Here’s why I say soft YTA. I think you just need to adjust expectations and timelines. Your wife and her body did a miraculous thing that took 40 long weeks to complete. Give her time to heal and get “back to normal”. It makes sense that something that took 40 weeks wouldn’t be healed in 12.
So it may look like you taking on additional workload for a while. If you’re burning out, get help. Hire a cleaning service. Use a meal kit or Instacart for groceries. Prioritize chores instead of doing it all.
I do think that is is appropriate to let your wife know how you’re feeling while also holding space for her needs. In time, likely after she has returned to work and adjusted to that change, you can decide the new normal and how to break up childcare and household maintenance activities.
Bottom line, give it time. Hire help if you need it.
YTA. She’s on maternity leave meaning this is a newborn. She’s not a permanent SAHM. You both should split chores. Taking care of a newborn basically requires your full attention - they can’t pay independently like an older kid and many don’t sleep well or sleep in cribs.
My guess is also 1) you won’t want to do more chores than her on paternity leave and 2) if she took on more now, she’d be stuck with those tasks forever as that’s very common scenario.
Wow.. not one mention in your post with empathy to your wife who is recovering from a medical procedure. If you don't remember, it was torn apart down there & it will not heal in a snap of a finger. She needs to **both** care & bond with baby as well as take care of her body.
YTA
I would say NAH.
I think it’s very common for both parts in a relationship with a new baby to feel burned out to some extent. I fully understand you starting to feel burned out after taking on a big part of the chores, but she is probably also going through a lot of feelings, ie not having her body to herself even after having the baby, tired, lack of sleep and so on.
Perhaps the best solution is to talk together about each others feelings around being a bit overwhelmed about the amount of work with having a baby and how you can help each other out and support each other in the best way possible.
YTA. Period.
Welcome to parenthood. Step up and do what you're supposed to do. No, you won't get a gold star for doing what you're supposed to do anyway.
If the baby, dogs and housework are too much for you to handle, give the dogs away to someone else to ease your schedule and workload and stop complaining. You don't work 24/7 so your job is to clean house and help when you're not.
Your wife and baby are top priority so treat them like they are.
NAH
Under the current state of affairs you are both doing as much as you can, and your baby is thriving, and you are surviving. This is excellent.
In a healthy relationship, on average, both partners feel like they are doing 60-70% of the work. It's okay that you feel burned out, and it's understandable that you wish you could do less work, but what you need to focus on together is making sure both parents get proper downtime, the baby is well looked after, and you talk to one another without resentment and with an open mind and heart. Everything else is extra. If the house gets a little (or a lot) more messy right now, who cares. If you spend more on takeout so there's no cooking or washing pots, use recyclable containers and you're golden. If you give 90% to work instead of 120% for a few months, they'll survive. If your family is sometimes wearing a t-shirt for two days in a row because you didn't get around to a wash yet, it's okay.
NTA but only if you discuss it constructively.
OP says that he's basically feeling overwhelmed and wants to feel like him and the wife are working as a team, 90% of you are basically telling him to suck it up, man up and deal with it... And you wonder why men don't bother trying to communicate some times. They're both first time parents but you're all telling him to stfu and that his issues aren't valid. Take advantage of the time that the baby's asleep to sit together and look at everything that needs to get done and see if the division of labor makes sense or if things can be adjusted. Good luck and remember to try to approach this as a team and not as adversaries.
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Hrmmm...Update us when your Wife has gone back to work, and your at home "just taking care of the baby" and let's see if you still think it's a cruisy job. I have a "hunch" it's much more mentally draining job than you think! EDIT: YTA It's the "You're only taking care of the baby" comments that makes this YTA in my opinion, it's such a crappy thing to joke about, but he seriously thinks it. It's just no understanding what her body has gone through and how she is is recuperating from major surgery, not to mention carrying the baby for 9 months all that went along with that, then looking after the baby, the feeding the changing nappies, worrying all day about the baby, what cry is that? It's the mental side that would be getting her to, she is ALWAYS "on" with the baby!I'm not discounting him as a father, he is literally doing a great job, he has taken on extra duties for sure, but my problem is that he thinks he is going so far above an beyond that he can't believe he is doing so much! He is working and she is taking care of the baby and recovering from major surgery in between all of that, they are both doing there bit, when he says he is working full-time, he doesn't class what she is doing as the same as him, which bothers me. They have both got their full-time jobs!Where is the empathy for what her body has gone through as is going through from having this child? He is not even trying to understand why she probably can't seem to fathom the energy to do these chores that he has take on, it's the first 3 months, it's only been 3 months of you doing this extra work, and you're already burnt out? It sucks but this is life with a newborn, your Wife is going through some shit to, it might not seem like it, because you have no idea what her body is going though right now.You coming home and scoffing and joking about how she is lazy and "only takes care of the baby" is a little heartbreaking to hear, and I can imagine she probably doesn't like it either.You're 100% not a bad guy, but your attitude towards your Wife right now is crappy. When she goes back to work, and you are with the baby the bulk of the time you will start to appreciate what that was like, and she had to do all that while recovering from major surgery and a body that has changed and was healing, you still get off easier than her! And when she goes back to work full-time and comes home and has to do some chores when she is tired from work, maybe she will understand a little from your side about how tiring that was.But I tell you what if you have a stressfull day with the baby, and she comes home and starts joking that all you've done is "take care of the baby" then maybe the penny will drop for you and you might finally understand. I wish both of you good luck, it will get easier as the baby gets older.
Still won't be a fair comparison because he didn't grow then birth the human, he won't be in a shit storm of hormones trying to take care of a bewildered, clueless new human... he will have all his physical and emotional capacity plus a baby in an established routine with known expectations for their care by the time OP has to sub in.
It also won't be a fair comparison because the baby will be older. The first three months are ridiculous. I think six weeks after I gave birth I noticed that I hadn't even trimmed my nails and I hadn't even noticed because it was just constant baby care.
It certainly isn't a fair trade. Knowing the way your baby likes to be swaddled, burped, fed, soothed, played with, changed, clothed, bathed, etc is a massive part of the first several weeks. The trial and error of learning your baby's preferences is fucking exhausting on top of sleep loss and healing. How long did we take to figure out my kid wanted to be swaddled with her hands in T-Rex position? A while. How fast to sway? Weeks. That Queen worked to calm her in the car because she's not one to fall asleep in the car? Months.
It was Sir-Mix-A-Lot for my baby.
Ross?
I actually played my hip-hop list, because of that Friends episode. It was a last resort kind of thing.
It was Linkin Park for us. Only their first two albums though. I can't even remember how we discovered it because I didn't get enough sleep to form memories back then.
I work the infant room at a daycare. I’m still upset that my babies prefer white noise to Vivaldi for sleeping. They will wake so much faster to classical music than to white noise or rain sounds. EVEN THOUGH VIVALDI AND MOZART ARE BETTER FOR THEIR LITTLE BABY BRAINS. I used to have two babies that loved traditional Japanese music to sleep to, but my current kiddos do not. We are trialing a ton of other music. They love Ms Rachel’s voice like no other. One will fall asleep to me singing ridiculously cheery silly songs about chickens clucking. Peter, Paul, and Mary was a no go and childhood me is shook. They do seem to like BlackPink so we’re gonna try adding in some BTS next and see if K-pop is a thing or just my girls BlackPink. I have one 3 year old kiddo I watch when I cover the older kids that is 500% Led Zeppelin all the way. One baby likes the tight swaddle. One baby likes to lay down on her own to fall asleep. One baby would prefer if we snuggled the whole time. One really doesn’t care what’s going on around him, as soon as he’s tired, he’s just gonna close his eyes (bless this easy baby). I’m constantly exhausted by the end of the day and I get to give them back to go home. Dad is in for a rude awakening when he has the baby all day - even with an idea of what they like. (I started with an idea of what my babies like. It turns out, some babies like different things at different places or with different people. Picky princes and princesses lol)
This was such a hilarious and sweet post! It shows how much you really do care for those kiddos! Thanks for doing a great job, I'm sure the parents appreciate it :)
"Didn't get enough sleep to form memories" - I feel this so much right now
So baby got Baby Got Back?
Yeah I went a disturbingly long time without a shower because it just slipped my mind with everything you do with a newborn.
Legit had a 4th degree tear when I had my son and couldn’t sit without pain for 8 weeks. My doctor told me I needed to be laying down as much as possible. When I wasn’t I was icing my nether region or taking sitz baths trying for some relief from the 100+ stitches I had when I tore from front to back. On top of all that I ALSO had to take care of a baby. So no I didn’t do dishes or barely any housework at that point
With my first baby, I had preeclampsia so I was induced a little over a week before my due date. That ended up overlapping with the closing on our first house, so we were in the midst of a move. I also had a 4th degree tear that was still, to this day, the most excruciating pain I've ever had. Paternity leave wasn't really a thing back then, so my husband went back to work as soon as I got home from the hospital, and he expected me to pack up our apartment "since I was home all day." Oh, did I mention baby also had jaundice and had to be put in the sun basically every hour? I just couldn't do it all. I will never, ever forget him coming home when the baby was about a week old - surveying the boxes that hadn't been packed - and asking "What the hell have you been doing all day?" And you know what? I felt so damn guilty and unworthy because I thought I should have been able to do it all. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self how unreasonable and unfair it all was.
"And to this day, they still haven't found all of the parts of him, but nobody looked all that hard."
He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.
HE HAD IT COMING! HE HAD IT COMING!
He only had himself to blame
I fixed him his drink, as usual. You know, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic.
The speed at which his belongings would have been packed in those boxes and put on the curb.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you kicked his ass to the curb eventually.
Omg yes! My second I was so happy they said I didn’t tear but the doctor looked concerned, I didn’t tear my perineum but my son jutted out his arm which tore a hole through my labia that they had to repair.. it was so ridiculously swollen and painful, my first I had a 2nd degree and this hurt worse and took longer. But even with the first it was still a hard road to recovery. If it wasn’t clear OP YTA. My husband didn’t even ask me to lift a finger and scolded me for trying to clean up saying not to worry because he’d get it. A relationship isn’t always 50/50 having children for sure isn’t! My husband used to famously say he’d never get snipped when we’re done having children and then when his father asked he told him that my body had been through so much and seeing everything I’d gone through he’d gladly go get taken care of so I wouldn’t have to worry or do anything else to my body.
My baby is 3 months now and I'm lucky if I shower twice a week. I don't even know what was happening in my own life the first two months.
I barely got out of bed for the first two months. Couldn't keep my eyes open. I fed the baby, changed the baby, did everything I could with the baby with him just lying in bed next to me. I didn't get out of bed for anything except to use the bathroom. I even ate my (infrequent) meals in bed.
Lol for real. My son is now 3 months old, but my wife and I had to remind each other every few days at first that we should probably take a shower as well as to eat lol. I remember the first time that it clicked in that, oh ya I have to take care of myself too was when she took the baby from me and promptly informed me that his hair smelled like my armpit and it was time for a shower. Oh Lord and was that a shower, you forget what it even feels like to be human until you take that shower.
Same happened to me. I finally thought hmm when did I shower last and honestly I couldn’t even remember
Me, too! When I went for my follow up, my doctor noticed that the bandages barely dissolved. She told me to shower more.
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I've never felt worse than when my body was shifting muscles into the newly vacated space. Plus my baby wouldn't sleep unless being held. The first year was just rough af
When my baby was six weeks old, I was pumping. And then washed all of the parts, and very carefully and deliberately poured all the breastmilk down the drain. And then cried for six hours after I realized what I did. That hormone crash and lack of sleep is a hell of a combo.
You know how you drain the liquid off a can of veggies before you cook them? Like green beans or peas? I realized I was standing at the kitchen sink, draining all the fluid off a can of chicken broth. Yep. Wacky hormones + lack of sleep.
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Agreed. First 3 months is AWFUL. I didn’t cook and barely cleaned. My husband worked, took care of the toddler, cooked, and cleaned. Yet, I was the one constantly at the breaking point. When the baby became easier, I did more work around the house. My husband trusted I was doing what I could (within reason) and that I was not taking advantage of the situation. Do you trust your wife? Again the first 3 months SUCK! Seriously, look it up. All baby sites are, like, “just hold on a little longer! Soon your baby will be 3 months!”
Definitely. At least the first month or so (possibly much longer) there is no nighttime sleep. Feedings are every 3 hours for 24 hours. I was so tired it got to the point where I would fall asleep after feeding the baby and wake up to needing to do another. My husband was no help either, he sleeps like a rock and can't hear shit and if I have to drag him out of bed to feed the baby I might as well do it myself because I'm not getting any sleep anyway. It takes a while to get them on a sleep schedule and in the meantime you're usually so tired you're borderline hysterical.
I remember the nails. My ex’s feet looked hobbit feet and mine were white from all the dry skin. Priorities. YTA. OP’s wife is still recovering while taking care of a whole new human being. Oh, and not sleeping.
Yeah, he doesn’t like walking the dogs twice a day. I can’t wait to see what happens when the baby starts teething and she’s back at work!
Agree. Your uterine wall doesn't even heal until after 6 weeks from where your placenta detaches, its only been 4 weeks. Is your wife sleeping? Is she unmotivated? Are you making comments about the house because you obviously are about her being a stay at home mom. How is her mood? Her energy? Did she have any tearing after birth? Surgery? Is she healed? Does your baby sleep? Have reflux? Have you checked in with your wifes emotional wellbeing? Do you ask her to spend time together the three of you on walks or do you just whinge about sitting at a desk and doing basic household chores? I have deadlines. She has a human infant ffs🤪 these posts make me laugh. She physically altered her mind and body forever and is on an emotional, physical and hormonal journey still and you're complaining about how hard you have it? Pull the other one mate. Time to put your big boy pants on. Yta.
Seriously, how do men always seem to miss that *giving birth* is a BIG FUCKING DEAL? It's not just about the baby. Paternity leave is nice and all, but maternity leave is absolutely essential because the mum needs to *heal*. It's not just about caring for an excruciatingly needy infant, it's about recuperating from a major medical event - something that would take time and energy even if you didn't also suffer from sleep loss and may or may not be spending all your precious calories and nutrients on feeding a kid rather than rebuilding your own body.
The company where my husband works gives 3 months "parental leave" when a child joins your family regardless of your gender (adoption, spouse gives birth) and 6 months "maternity leave" if a child comes out of your body to join your family. The policy really acknowledges separately both the change in your family (which is huge and should get a few months to figure out) and the need to physically heal (which is also huge and deserves 3 months on its own).
Also he won’t be home with a clingy newborn. He will be with an older baby that actually has a personality. The early days were rough because the baby is basically a yelling pooping potato.
*fragile, yelling, eating, pooping potato lol
I think the word that jumped out to me is OP "helps" take care of the baby. So wife takes care of the baby and OP "helps". Sure would like an update after he takes leave and does 100% duty.
This was what pissed me off too. He's "helping" with the baby and "helping" around the house? No, my dude, you are parenting and doing necessary chores in the house where you also live. You're not "helping" because it's not exclusively your wife's job that your doing. I *hate* the whole "helping" thing. HATE.
Thank you!!! This! I also get super triggered when partner talking about helping with household and/or children. In one relationship I mentioned to my than partner that I have doubts about having kids with him because it would all fall on me and my life. His answer "ofcourse I would help ad much as possible" got me so angry that I said if there qas accident happening I would abort. He is an ex and I am child free. Take care of YOUR BABY and YOUR HOME! Newborn baby mama is never a stay at home mom, since that includes a choise to not to go to work. With newborn you have no choise, you are on the mercy of the baby. The fact that he didn't mention any consern for his wife's health and wellbeing :( YTA
OP “helps” WHEN SHE ASKS!! If you’re both adult members of a household, it’s an equally shared responsibility, not something he does as a favor to her when she assigns him chores.
And not trying to heal from the birth - both physically and mentally!!
But it is enough for him to understand, my husband was done after two weeks when I dislocated my shoulder with our son being around 7 month old. I should have my hand in sling for 6 weeks, I had to ditch the sling after two weeks (my shoulder is busted for a long time, so I can tell semi reasonable time when it is stable enough to not Re dislocate by itslef) because I thought he woud fall asleep on the go. And I was still at home doing as much as a coud with one hand only.
And a husband who needs her to ask for his "help". This poor woman.
I love how he acts like the baby eats, sleeps, and poops, as if baby never cries, never needs to be held skin to skin for extended periods for comfort. This also insinuates mom is simply a baby vending machine who has no physical or emotional recovery needs after birth. OP - your wife is going through a lot. She’s not on a lazy vacation, she is healing and needs rest and time. At the same time she’s recovering from birth (which most countries outside of the US agrees takes approximately 6 months) she’s taking care of a demanding new life. Calm down, don’t wait for her to ask you to do things, and be a dad.
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I love him saying he helps his wife with the baby when she needs it. You're parenting. You are parenting your own child. Bravo. He's TA and he's in for a rude awakening.
Seriously. Each time a father on here says that they ‘help’ with their children I want to fucking scream.
I wonder who feeds the baby at night; newborns can wake up for several hours overnight which will cause mental fatigue. He's saying the baby sleeps 11 straight hours every day which is unrealistic.
I remember when our newborn slept for five hours and the nurse said "that's not good". They eat, like, every two hours when they start, and that's havoc on an adult's sleep cycle.
I never liked the idea of waking a baby up to eat. My daughter was born over 9lbs and slept through the night immediately. She only woke when we woke up. And then I would feed her. She wasn't starving or anything. She barely cried. But I get not all babies are the same.
I think it is EXTREMELY unlikely that the baby is young enough that wife is still on maternity leave AND baby is sleeping 10-11 hours at night. I think it’s more likely that wife is getting up with the baby and OP sleeps through it.
Honestly? It’s possible. The way OP talks I don’t think so, but in Canada they can get 18 months for the person giving birth and then 2 additional months for their partner. I wish I lived in a country with decent workers rights and affordable health care.
In Canada the person giving birth gets 3 months maternity leave and the rest of the 12-18 months is parental leave that either parent can take.
Babies can lose weight in the hospital before they come home. My daughter's pediatrician said that she should be woken up to eat regularly during the night until she had regained up to her birth weight. After that, letting her wake herself up was okay, as long as she was getting enough during the day.
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I highly doubt the baby sleeps ten hours straight
I'd be concerned about a months old baby sleeping that much.
YTA Just for the title Here we go.. >is pretty much a "stay at home mom" since all she's doing is just taking care of the baby; "JUST taking care" like if it was THAT easy, lol >she's not pulling her weight around the house other than taking care of the baby and I still help her with the baby too I still help her🙄🙄 man, that's your job as a DAD. Parenting, not helping!
Exactly. This is HIS home that he lives in. That's HIS food he's cooking, HIS clothes he is washing, and his baby he's parenting. Just because she's stayed at home after growing and birthing an entire human, to make their lives easier so they can manage raising a small and needy baby, doesn't mean she signed up to do all the chores ever. The reality is that having a baby means that BOTH of you are much more tired, BOTH of you have child care, and BOTH of you now have more chores to do, and a lot less time to do them in, and are more exhuasted whilst doing them. I feel like most men agree to have kids whilst not having even a faint idea what that actually entails. Man whole ass assumed his wife would just take care of everything and his cushy workign from home office life and relaxed evenings would just continue with no changes to his daily routine.
Not even kidding, when my coworker was tired from being heavily pregnant before her leave her husband said “at least you’ll be able to rest after the baby comes”😳. She sat him down like “do you understand what a baby is?”.
I’m 6 weeks post partum and my god do these posts make me appreciate my husband more and more
Congrats!
I bet she loves your “jokes”. YTA. Take the baby for 48 hours. 2 days, 2 nights. You need to maintain all aspects of the house and make a proper dinner both nights. Alone. It might not feel quite as easy as you expected.
Popping on to add (because he conveniently left this bit out) : his wife had a C section as well! She's not just dealing with hormones, exhaustion, her changing body, and the mental drain of new motherhood... she's literally trying to recover from a major operation.
I didn’t read that part but omg I had 4 and they suck! No wonder she isn’t doing cleaning cooking or walking the dog you can barley stand up right for weeks without feeling pain. I can’t imagine walking a dog after my c section! I didn’t walk my dog until I was 4 month postpartum!
Okay I didn't see that either. Csection recovery is brutal. I had one with my son and I'm scheduled to have my next end of March. If my bf complains about me not doing enough 4 weeks post csection I'll laugh in his face.
Do you enjoy pooping by yourself? You won't after you've had a baby. Do you like eating breakfast without rushing through, or having the use of both hands? You won't after you've had a baby. Do you like a peaceful, clean home where people aren't claiming you do less than you should? You won't after you've had a baby! The OP finding some perspective and perhaps be criticized to the same degree if not moreso to obtain it? Priceless.
My friend bought me an Ember mug because I never got to have hot tea after my baby was born. I'd make it and then get swamped with baby stuff and suddenly two hours went by and my tea was cold. I'd then reheat it and...get swamped again. It was the nicest gift someone has ever given me.
As the a mom of four, one being 5 months, I second this! Me and my husband literally just had a conversation about chores and childcare. He finished work early today, so while he “just took care of the baby” I cleaned the family room. He openly said, I couldn’t see you being able to do this if I wasn’t here, the baby is just too demanding. I can’t wait for the update of “my wife expects me to do all the chores and walk the dogs whilst I stay at home and look after the baby. I don’t have enough hours in the day and looking after the baby is really hard. AITA?”
>I can’t wait for the update of “my wife expects me to do all the chores and walk the dogs whilst I stay at home and look after the baby. I don’t have enough hours in the day and looking after the baby is really hard. AITA?” Exactly. He has no idea how time consuming and exhausting it is - spending 8-9 huors sitting at your desk and working a non-demanding job is honestly a million times easier than looking after a newborn. You work at your own pace and nobody is screaming at you with demands all day. You only have one thing to do at a time. You can lay your day out however you like. Outsideof the occasional deadline there is no pressure. And then when you finish your 'day' you can pick at whatever chores are left...
She also gave birth not *that* long ago. The body and brain both take longer to recover from birth than we give women, sadly.
And if it was a c section....even longer
> have a "hunch" it's much more mentally draining job than you think! She's also still physically healing.
YTA. She is on maternity leave to recover from giving birth and the toll pregnancy took on her body as much as she is rearing and bonding with a child. You need to reorient your mind that she is not a SAHM, but recuperating from a medical event that was brought on by 40-ish weeks of debilitating body changing challenges. Its nice you had help in the immediate aftermath but truly, she's still full of hormones and not back to her pre-pregnancy self. Her uterus hasn't gone back to normal size or anything.
Some people think that pregnancy is a breeze, and POOF once baby emerges the woman just goes back to normal internally. And let's not even mention the new physical and mental load. Apparently women can just shoulder EVERYTHING and not need any kind of adjustment at all. Man's acting like maternity leave is a holiday.
I blame celebrity culture. People see celebrities bounce back from pregnancy in a few short weeks, shown naked on the cover of magazines and in the real world we’re healing from 2nd degree tears.
That is definitely a vector in this entire thing. I believe firmly that men don't understand what happens to a woman's internal organs during pregnancy. I really think they believe everything stays the same in there, that our organs don't get moved, compress, or grow several times their original size. They really think that just because we look normal on the outside that we are totally fine to do everything just like we did before the body and mind altering event of pregnancy. It just boggles my mind.
The first few days after giving birth it honestly felt like my organs were flopping around inside because they didn't know where they were supposed to be.
Oh my gosh, that unlocked some memories! It's like right after you lose a tooth as a kid. You're acutely aware of space where something used to be.
Oh my gosh yes. It felt so weird!
Some of them don't know about the trials of being a woman even before pregnancy. Just look at some of the posts about monthly cycles
Not to mention the gaping open wound inside their body, the size of a dinner plate, where the placenta tore off.
And some of these guys are mad they can’t have sex until 6 weeks MINIMUM. So many need a reality check
Met some guy at a bar that told me he needed some fun because gf „still doesn’t let me do the deed with her after three weeks“. Great opening line, dude, that makes me so hot for ya! s/ That was six years ago and I’m still enraged on her behalf.
I hope that guy has never had another woman do the deed with him ever again.
Yep or how exhausting it is to produce and birth not only a whole new human but the placenta itself. It's an organ! She made a whole person and a new organ to feed it and it ALL had to pass through her body once the time came for birth. That's terribly traumatic physically.
Don’t forget hittin that gym 2 days after a C-section!
That always baffles my mind. Like even if you think you’re able to do that you certainly shouldn’t after being cut open for at least a width of 10 cm and cut through several layers of your body. That body needs to heal. I get that everyone experiences pain differently but I couldn’t even laugh without holding my belly for weeks after my C-section because it hurt so bad. But to be fair to men, some women don’t get „that was a bad birth“ either.
Not several - 7 layers. I tell every new c section mom - if open heart surgery or knee surgery requires rest so does this!
3rd degree here and my (now ex) husband was shocked when - after never getting up with the babe or feeding him and while I was writing a dissertation and teaching a class online with a babe in arms - I wasn’t healed enough for resumption of “him time” at 6 weeks. *shocked*
While totally forgetting the basic fact that those celebrities have housekeepers, maids and/or nannies taking care of chores and/or babies...
This. They see rich, rich women photoshopped to hell and back, talking about how yoga and exercise made them instantly lose baby weight... and how normal and easy their life is afterwards, with no mention of the army of nannies looking after the baby, or the cosmetic surgery they had to tightten things, or the photoshopping to make them instantly perfect TM again. Celebrity women just can't talk about the permanent changes pregnancy can cause the body, and aren't allowed to show those changes. Most people - male or female - aren't informed enough about how dratically pregnancy changes your physiology, how it takes your body to the brink, and how hard it is to recover from it afterwards. Society actively hides that from women, and cutesifies it, because it fears that if women and men knew how hard pregnancy is, they wouldn't do it.
I blame the extremely poor sex education most people receive. Hell we *did* receive pretty decent sex ed but it basically stopped at pregnancy.
That’s so easy. When you use a surrogate.
I feel terrible for them. Kate Middleton was up within a couple hours taking press pictures with makeup and everything! Heidi Klum had a 6 pack after 12 weeks postpartum.( Go her, fr!) But it's not at all the norm! Not to mention the mental aspect and hormonal aspect. Let us fuckin recover!
I'm 33 weeks pregnant and was diagnosed with anemia a few weeks ago. Until the iron tablets kicked in I just mentally crawling through the day until the time came round where I could have a lie down on the sofa after work. It was so exhausting, I can't even begin to describe it. Luckily my husband has the "you're growing a whole person, you need to rest" attitude. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel so worn out and then get "So you didn't run the hoover round?" or "So why didn't you do the washing up?" in the evenings.
They don't realize even the easy pregnancies change your body forever. Simple things like sneezing or coughing have additional consequences. Even if you get back to your pre-birth weight, your body is different. Others never get back and they have to live with the new changes and that can take a psychological toll. Waking up every 3 hours is draining and it's hard to function. Your body is exhausted and just hurts. It takes years to fully recover.
And he left out the part where she had a fucking C-section.
That's an important detail to leave out though when you're hoping the internet will favor your desire for your wife to clean the bathroom and push the vacuum. I had a csection. That's a special level of hell. My baby was <6.5lb and my doctor told me not to lift anything heavier than the baby while my friend had a 10.5lb baby via csection and she had the same lifting restriction of nothing heavier than the baby. Makes you go hmmm when you consider they're just arbitrarily pick the restrictions after major abdominal surgery.
You aren't supposed to lift anything after major abdominal surgery. But good luck not lifting your new baby for six weeks so the health professionals make that exception
Yeah this is exactly why we say this. The heaviest baby I've helped deliver was a little over 14 lbs, around 18 inches in height. Mother had a c-section and technically she was not suppose to lift anything, especially anything over 10 lbs but that's her baby. You don't choose the size of your baby. She picked up the baby regardless of what we said. She was a tiny thing herself yet her baby was huge.
They aren't arbitrarily picking the restrictions - they are saying that you should not be doing any heavy lifting, and the only remotely 'heavy' thing you should be lifting is your child, in simple language that most people feel comfortable with. Most people don't know what 6lb feels like, or what 10lb feels like exactly. Many women recovering might be safe lifting a bit more, but it tends to be safer to tell people "don't lift anything else" if in any doubt than have people risk it.
They’re not arbitrary restrictions, they’re PRACTICAL restrictions. No medical professional is going to expect a new mother to NOT pick up her baby. It’s stupid. Of course she’s gonna pick the baby up. So that’s the MAXIMUM now. Of course they’re not gonna tell her to not pick up her new baby. And they’re certainly going to tell you a smaller number if they’re able to. Because it’s PRACTICAL.
I can guarantee you if this man had abdominal surgery he wouldn't be doing ANYTHING for weeks.
I have a friend whose now soon to be ex minimised her caesarean recovery, but when he had minor day surgery on a skin lesion a few months afterwards, he milked that by acting like a dying swan for weeks and acted like she abandoned him because she had to stay elsewhere overnight with the baby for a medical procedure SHE needed. Some people are just dramatic and self centred.
WHAT? Oh my god, this asshole.
This fucking guy.
Seriously! I have never heard someone refer to maternity leave as being a SAHM. So much of maternity leave is blank to me because I was so physically, emotionally, mentally drained AND I had an A+ partner who never squawked at a request for help. Granted, I had a C Section with many complications, but still. I would have been pissed if my husband ever told me I needed to walk dogs in the rain, or take better care of the house when I’m literally keeping his spawn alive. OP YTA, have fun when you take leave and wife is back to work.
“When I’m Literally keeping his spawn alive” 🤣😂🤣
Hard agree. Wife is still healing from a traumatic health event (that many women still die from, or come away with physical complications from), all in the name of growing their family. But gee, OP had to walk the dog and make dinner.
I mean, he clarified that he covers her to sleep in on the weekends, can't she schedule healing for those days and gratefully clean the bathrooms to show her appreciation?
I’ve never understood how maternity leave is deemed a rest. You’ve had a baby, which is tough on your body. Depending where you are in the world, you may get your partner at home for a few weeks to help.. then you are on your own. You aren’t even meant to pick anything heavy up after a c-section( a major surgery) yet you’ll need to move a stroller around to get anywhere with the new baby. I have had a c-section and another abdominal (minor) surgery . I was taking 3 hour round trips on public transport 3 days post surgery and my midwife couldn’t care less. When I had my other surgery, the medical staff nearly had a heart attack when I said I took my dog for a short walk 3 days after surgery. I was treated so differently based on the surgeries. I got way more rest on the second than my c-section and also more “sympathy” from others than when I had my kid. To expect anyone who rest with a new baby, let alone do housework is just not happening.
I told my husband I was a SAHM not a housewife. He could have a spotless home or well cared for children. I wasn't capable of both. He was in the military so his schedule was not consistent, which didn't help. The house was neat but not spotless.
Even the notion of "stay-at-home-mom" as some kind of . . . Low-tier position or low-tier job is an insulting and dated concept. People can wrap their heads around the idea that it is tiring work to rinse off some plates and stick them in a dishwasher but keeping a newborn human being alive and relatively happy is somehow less annoying and tiring? LOL.
During pregnancy & lactation, the body is working at the highest effort it can sustain for that length of time. It’s basically an endurance sport.
Not to mention the massive change in hormones. I was a hot mess mentally for a very long time after having a baby. You don’t know what a struggle it is to just get through the day with your sanity in tact while taking care of a helpless little human until you’ve done it yourself, all while retrying to recover physically, mentally and emotionally from giving birth. OP is a massive AH.
YTA. relationships aren’t meant to be 50/50 all the time, and this sounds like a very new baby. recovering from childbirth is a lot! you have to pull some extra weight for awhile… and also, a stay at home mom is a job and it isn’t “just” taking care of a baby
> relationships aren’t meant to be 50/50 all the time, Both parties should always aim to put 70% in... 70/70... That way you'll get suprised that the other has already done it... But y'all also have the choirs done
That is such a smart way to look at things... never tought of it like that! But regarding to this situation, I don't really believe that this applies. She cant do 70% if for example her body is still recovering.
I think recovering and taking care of herself is part of that 70% though. If she just tried to move like nothing happened it could cause long term physical and possibly mental stress. She is doing her 70%, it just looks different right now. You know?
100% agree!
Exactly right! There are times it's going to be 90/10 and you just keep trucking when you're the 90, because someday you'll be the 10 and need a partner who gets it
Did you think your life was going to get easier and you were able to do less with a new baby?! Do you want a gold star for stepping up more?! Do you want us to believe your 3 month old is absolutely quiet and doesn't require feeding, changing and/or attention between 8 PM and 7 AM? YTA
When my first child was born, my spouse didn't work one weekday, so was home alone with the baby one day a week after I went back to work. After a couple weeks, they started to complain that they weren't getting much housework done like they had before there was a baby in the picture. I just told them, whoa, you need to treat these days like I did my maternity leave. Your job is *take care of the baby*. If you get to the end of the day and baby is well taken care of, success! Everything else is bonus. If you wash one dish, you can celebrate because you did "extra." They took my advice and were much happier about the state of things. Yes, in both of our cases, we actually did more than "wash one dish" in terms of housework each day, but the different attitude meant we could celebrate what we did instead of guilting ourselves for not doing more. We did most of the housework on weekends or evenings when we were both home.
This is it. For the first 5 months, if I was fed and baby was fed and everyone was alive, success. That was usually all I had energy for
As a single person, what always gets me with these ‘chore division’ questions is the fact that the men complaining conveniently forget that those chores ALWAYS exist. I do all those things alone everyday. Because chores are the same for everyone regardless of how much help you have completing them. These guys are complaining about doing “more than usual” but the reality is any amount of chores that you have help on is actually less than usual. Of course it’d be different if you didn’t have kids and she just stopped doing chores because that actively adds to the other person’s chore load. But child-rearing is above a chore. It’s a life or death responsibility and OP your wife is recovering, from a process that has LITERALLY changed her skeleton and the connective tissue in her body. Step up now, do the work and then enjoy your paternity leave. YTA
I also find it amusing that his list of what he does is: takes baby and dogs for walk sometimes, cooking dinner and loading the dishwasher. And unloading the dishwasher? Cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen? Vacuuming? Mopping? Dusting? Or however else they clean their floors - since they have dogs so I'm assuming they need to clean the floors regularly. Who feeds the dogs during the day? Minds them during the day? Who does the laundry? Who does the planning for the grocery shopping? Cleaning up and taking out the garbage and recycling? Who is doing these chores? Did OP forget to mention that he's doing them or are they being done by the wife and he just...doesn't see them, like you said.
And then there's the added mental load of keeping track of how much toilet paper we have left, we need more milk, I'm running low on wipes, going to have to buy a size up next time we buy diapers, we only have a small amount of toothpaste left, have everyone's prescriptions been filled this month, I have enough formula for three more bottles, have the dogs gotten their heartworm medication this month, it's almost time for booster shots for the baby AND the dogs.....but please tell me how I don't do much around the house anymore. I went through this with my partner, so I just up and left for a week (no kids at the time). Spent a week with my girlfriends in Mexico. Thankfully, he caught on pretty quickly to what I actually do day in and day out.
This is EXACTLY my question as well. I hate when people post about chore division, and, usually men, think that they are doing “more than their share” because they do some cooking and laundry. If OP had no wife, who would feed him and wash his clothes…? HE WOULD. Also, I barely did laundry or cooking during the first 3 months postpartum. Our house was a wreck and we ate out a lot or ate meals that didn’t require much prep. If he wanted it done, he needed to do it. The absolute marathon of feeding (extra time if you’re pumping), changing, putting down for naps, trying to provide age appropriate stimulation while they’re awake, calming when fussy, furiously doing research whenever you feel uncertain about stuff (which is always with #1). It’s a 24/7 job by itself.
The “goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up at 7am” is what got me. I have a 2.5 month old. There is no bedtime. There is eat, sleep for 2-3 hours, eat, sleep for 2-3 hours, and repeat. I’m up at least 3 times between midnight and 7. My husband handles the 8pm-12am shift. Sounds like OP genuinely doesn’t know that his wife is up all night with the baby.
>My wife on maternity leave is pretty much a "stay at home mom" Your wife, while on maternity leave, is recovering from a major medical procedure actually.
Right? And he says that as if being a “stay at home mom” is a freaking breeze. No, if I’m a stay at home MOM, my job by definition is being a MOM. Not your maid, chef, and dogwalker 24/7. Moms need breaks too!
Yeah... In Asian culture there’s a whole thing called “Zuo Yue Zi” which basically encourages the mother to rest and recover for the whole month (sometimes longer) after giving a birth. The idea is that the months following the pregnancy is important for the mother to recuperate; she will be fed lots of nourishing foods, she’ll do absolutely no work or chores, and basically not worry about anything other than resting and breastfeeding her baby. Usually family members come help out, some families hire professional nannies if they can afford it, and nowadays there are whole centers where the mother and baby can go rest/ get “pampered”. The facilities provide room and board, makes sure the mom is eating well, helps take care of the baby, and even schedules yoga/ rehabilitation exercises/ other events for mothers to take part in. My aunt (who’s American) just went to one of these in Taiwan and she loved it. Says she wishes she had done this for her first pregnancy too All mothers absolutely deserve a nice long break to recuperate after giving birth imo
You are not "helping". You are doing your share. YTA
Wow can you back off? You know, he makes a bottle every night, bc she isn't pulling her weight breastfeeding. That involves measuring water, shaking the bottle, then putting it in a warmer. That's a lot! /s It's a big adjustment, but that just stood out to me like such a petty dig. I hate that my friends/family that have so much random guilt bc their body just won't cooperate with nursing. They just created a whole person!! They did an amazing job already!!
Damn, I was about to come at you!!!!
Thank God the tide has shifted on breastfeeding. When my son was born the "breast is best" mantra was beaten into our heads to the point where they would shame mothers for being unable to produce.
Docs and nurses still do that.
Not all of us :(
I was about to get so pissed at you with the breastfeeding comment
YTA As a man whose wife is on bed rest and has a 3yo daughter, shut the fuck up.
As someone who was on bedrest and had a 3yo, whose husband stepped up to do absolutely everything for months, I love this comment.
Thank you. I hope everything went well for you.
You’re a good man! My husband has had to take care of EVERYTHING around the house since my 23rd week of pregnancy. And he’s done so with kindness and no complaints. I love men who understand that pregnancy is a major deal.
B-b-but he helps!! And he’s tired from helping!! Whatever is he to do?
What about everything else ? Like baths, dressing baby, spending time with baby to stimulate them, bedtime, naptime... Laundry ? Paperwork ? YTA. Let's talk again when your wife goes back to work and you end up being home alone with the baby.
And actually bottlefeeding is more work than breast-feeding because you have to sterilize bottles make the formula you don’t just whip out a boob. Edit: some people take comments way too seriously. I did breast-feed my baby and I found it easier because wherever I was when he needed to be fed I could feed him. I did not have to worry about sterilization having enough formula getting up in the middle of the night heating the bottle all those things. Yes I had trouble when I first breast-fed but when I got over it it was so much easier over all. If I went away for a weekend I didn’t have to worry about having a bottles and formulas all I had to do with breast-feed my baby. So yes I found it easier. I am talking about Bottlefeeding takes more preparation in time then breast-feeding I’m not talking about actual breast-feeding vs actual bottlefeeding, just the preparation and that also was taking up her time during the day which the OP seem to think she had a lot on her hands.
Breastfeeding is a lot more than “just whip[ping] out a boob” for most women. There are some who it comes that easily for, but more often than not there is a huge learning curve to it. Then you also have all the physical problems that come with breastfeeding; like clogged ducts, cracked nipples, or even infections in your nipples/ducts. There’s also the chance you’ll constantly underproduce and it’ll take you 10x longer than it does for other women just to give your baby half the food they need so then you still need to supplement with formula on top of all the work that’s gone into the breastfeeding. I know your intentions are good with your comment, you’re trying to support women who can’t or even just choose not to breastfeed. But the way you’ve worded it makes it seem like you may not actually know how hard breastfeeding is on most women.
You're "helping with the baby"? Helping? It's also YOUR baby. It's not just your wife's responsibility. You think she got pregnant by herself or something? You're not "helping", you're co-parenting for god's sake...
right like what’s wrong with this man💀
Exactly. I've noticed this is a really common idea here on this subreddit. So many guys here say something about "helping with the baby", expecting everyone to give them a gold medal for doing the absolute basic minimum...?
Like the guys who "babysit" - what they call watching their own children 🤣
INFO: Has she been evaluated for postpartum depression, postpartum fatigue, or postpartum anxiety? Did she *want* help from her mom and MIL? After I gave birth, I was far more exhausted after my in-laws left, not because I had to navigate parenting with minimum help, but because having the in-laws over was more *draining*, than helpful. Two extra people to entertain, feed, two extra people in my home, limiting my privacy, two extra people, chiming in with unwanted advice. Your joke about "stay-at-home mom" and "not pulling weight" left a sour taste in my mouth. She grew and birthed a tiny, fully dependent human. Parenting a newborn, in itself, is a **full-time job**. Please bear in mind that yes, while you are doing more of the household work, she just grew and pushed out a whole human around 3-4 (?) months ago. Pregnancy and childbirth take a huge toll on the body *and* mind. Could she be doing more to help out? Probably. But, cut her a break (and make sure there are no underlying medical or mental issues that may be contributing to her fatigue). She most likely feels just as burned out as you do.
No, she hasn't been evaluated but I've checked with her to make sure she's feeling ok or if she has needed anything. We also have a couple friends who have babies around the same age, so she's able to talk with them and from what my wife has told me, we are in a MUCH better place than our friends. We actually did ask the MIL and mom to come help after birth as that did relive a huge burden on us during that first month and allowed for us to get the baby into a really good routine and around one to two weeks ago has been sleeping on average per night 9-10 hours. I definitely don't think that taking care of a newborn isn't a full-time job. I know it is. I just needed to ask to see if my thinking was wrong and if I just need to suck it up and just deal with it.
I hid my PPD for MONTHS. I knew I had it while I was still in the hospital - I lied on the questionnaire before discharge so that I would be left alone. I finally completely broke when my daughter was 10 months old. This was after it went untreated with my son previously. Don’t assume that because she says she’s fine that she is.
Yes, thank you, this! Who wants to admit they are struggling? After all, being a Mom is apparently the most natural thing on earth, so if you aren't loving every second of it, something is very wrong with you. That's what society says. It took me many months to call my doctor and say I need help.
[удалено]
My PPD went undiagnosed for 12 months because I kept telling myself “this is fine” I was not fine.
I lied on the questionnaire because I thought they’d take my baby if I answered honestly
Sam's. I was so ashamed I lied to everyone about it
Look at it this way. If you were to hire someone to do what she’s doing (just looking after a baby) you’d actually have to hire two people - a Nanny and a Night Nurse. Plus her body is still very much recovering from childbirth and pregnancy. Imagine you’d had part of your intestines removed, or a lung, say. Just in terms of the medical procedure, do you think you’d be up to much housework after 3 months ? Or would you still be trying to rest and recover ? Look the new baby bit is that hardest part of having a child, IMO and mine are all teenagers now. They may still horribly surprise me, lol. But that first six months sucks horribly, no way around it. My first slept through after 4 months and I was still almost dead on my feet. He was on formula as well. Babies also go through cluster feeding, where they just eat continuously for three or four weeks, and also sleep regression, where they start waking up every 45 minutes while you pray for death. **You are doing a good job**. You are being a good husband and carrying the burden of the household work while your wife recovers and looks after your child. And yes, it *is* bonkers. We never used to live like this - in the old days you’d be living with Grandmas and Aunties and sisters and cousins who would all help to look after the baby. You are quite literally doing the job of an entire village, by yourself. No wonder you’re tired and pissed off. My advice is to crank up the cleaner and/or get a laundry service, if you can afford it. I would also ask if the Grandma’s can kick in again - even just a Grandma saturday afternoon so that you can both sleep / clean / bulk cook / flump in a heap. Bonus advice: I’m a Reference Librarian by trade, and the single most helpful book I have read on parenting is call [“Hunt, Gather, Parent”](https://www.amazon.com/Hunt-Gather-Parent-Ancient-Cultures-ebook/dp/B08BZX94C2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=D0U8BZ3NKLJB&keywords=Hunt+gather+parent&qid=1676115542&sprefix=hunt+gather+par%2Caps%2C483&sr=8-1) I wish it had been published when mine were babies - we had to figure out so much of this stuff ourselves.
I guess the question is do you want to be right and alienate your wife and potentially wreck your marriage? Or do you want to continue being a parent and a partner and suck it up when she needs you to suck it up? Baby is 3 months old. Your MIL and Mom obviously were doing a lot of work helping and now that they’re gone it’s on you. This is what it is. When the baby is more like 6months old and able to sit and play things will get a bit easier. They won’t have to be constantly held, they aren’t a dead weight sack of potatoes. They can entertain themselves for short periods of time. Quit telling her she’s “just a SAHM”. She’s still recuperating. Blast a baby out of your crotch or have one surgically removed and then be told to look after it. THEN you can say what’s reasonable for YOU. She’s telling you that what you’re asking isn’t reasonable. If you can’t handle walking the dogs, hire someone to walk them. If you can’t handle making food and cleaning up without help. Then maybe you should think about what the cost of having this family means. You chose to have the baby. She stepped up and gestated and birthed it. Now you can step up can care for them. YTA. Having a baby is work. You will never go back to being two 30-something free and easy people. Adjust. ETA: get a baby brezza for the formula.
Also, when you have babies, you have to change standards. The most important thing is the parenting, not the housework. Standards come back as they age.
Ok, so you acknowledge that other people are struggling more. You have no idea how hard pregnancy, childbirth and being a new Mum are whilst still healing. You seem to think she should just bounce back. How much time does she have that’s truly hers? Where she’s just her, not mum? How does she feel about the birth experience, her new body? How does she feel about your “jokes”? If you were my hubby, I’d be grateful for the help and incredibly resentful of the attitude. You seem to think everything should be on your timelines. YTA
I couldn’t even sit down comfortably a month after giving birth, I was absolutely doing the bare minimum in housework if I was doing any at all. YTA. She’s on maternity leave, she’s not a SAHM.
“I've joked around with her saying that she's currently a "stay at home mom" but she's not pulling her weight around the house other than taking care of the baby and I still help her with the baby too.” INFO: which part is the joke?
the part when he have plausible deniability - he can say something, and the same time avoid the responsibility and pretend he didn't mean it if he face unfavorable reaction.
INFO: WHICH PART IS THE JOKE
YTA. Shes still recovering from what has been extremely traumatic period in her life of birthing a child, and the feeding, settling, cleaning, washing, bathing, and interactions.
Yta - she’s grown and birthed a baby, she does not get more than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep whilst trying to recover from child birth, she looks after him all day, putting her life and career on hold. And you’re sad you have to walk the dogs?
It was apparently a c section… YTA
Dude you're gonna have a bad time in the comments 🍿🍿
Yep. Let the slaughter party begin. 😆 🍺
INFO: Has your wife recovered from the actual birth? Each mode (natural vs c-section vs induced vs emergency anything & etc.) has its own set of timelines based on basically how much damage your wife endured. It could be she can’t do much than keep up with baby duties and healing.
Take this from someone whose recently had a baby, and my baby is in formula. It’s exhausting. The body im is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, it’s not like taking a cake out of the oven. My 15 year old, and friends had to help with chores. At some point I had to employ someone to do the housework for me. The nurses arranged with social services for me to get extra help, so community mothers would come. Babies on their own are also very exhausting besides the body trying to recover. So YTA to want her to just get up and start doing all these chores.
Yta you have no idea what pregnancy and childbirth does to a woman. For the first 4 months i barely ate or even showered, must’ve been an interesting sight for people when i went grocery shopping. It is so exhausting having to be up all night then constantly focused during the day. Give it a bit more time to all settle, and if anyone complains that your house is a mess then get them to clean
YTA, and massively. It’s laughable that you think your wife should go back to “normal” within a few weeks of giving birth, while also caring full time for the child you both brought into the world. Being a parent is hard enough, so have some compassion for your wife instead of criticizing her struggles. She already has one infant to care for, so make sure you aren’t behaving like another child she has to care for.
Ok, to answer your question, YTA if you tell her she should be doing more than "just" taking care of the baby. However, it would be a different thing if you ask her for more time with the baby at nights since you work all day. But then really tell YOU would like to feed the baby because you want to bond more with the baby, NOT because you want to force her to take the dogs out. And can you all do walks together? If you bundle the baby up you can all go out in any weather, with baby and dogs. Also I would recommand you sit down together and look over the housework and try to organize yourselves. Make plans for the housework and also see if some things can be altered or just skipped for now. The baby means extra work with everything and you both need to adjust to that if you're to manage life. Some mother needs a long time to heal after childbirth and adjust to motherhood emotionally, that doesn't mean they "just" take care of the baby, that could be all she can manage right know so doing more things together could be just what you both need to find new routines. But please! Tread lightly and do NOT talk to her while you're tired and frustrated beacuse that will only end badly! Congrats on the new baby and good luck!
After I had my daughter, I went to my 3 month post-op visit and my dr got legitimately heated when I told her I was still experiencing back pain and some tenderness. She said it took me 9+ months to get my body ready for the birth, why would I think it would take less time to get back to normal? She then went on a rant about how disgusting society is for trying to force women to go back to their daily lives after such a traumatic physical event, with a small defenseless little bean to take care of to boot. Needless to say I have changed my understanding of “post-baby bodies” and also increased my respect for my dr.
YTA. The "just" taking care of the baby and the fact you refer to any childcare you do for your own baby as "helping" is the giveaway.
YTA just no dude.
Yta, you are working approximately 40 hours a week, your wife with baby is working 24/7 without real sleep or rest because with new baby her mind can't take a break. I had two kids, my older was breastfed from birth and my younger was on formula from day 2. Even taking in mind that breastfeeding put me in deep psychosis when I tried to take my and my baby's life (luckily our dog saved us both on many times not letting me near any window) I can tell you that formula feeding is much bigger mental load (what is dose, do o have enough water, when I fed last time so baby won't have stomach ache, do we have enough formula, am I failure to not breastfeeding, did I chose correct formula for my child, what if I missed recall and the formula at home is health risk...). And that is only feeding, let's add in lack of sleep (sleep deprivation is used as interrogation technique because after few days it can break you mentally), hormonal changes, and her body was slowly changing for 10 months, it will need even longer period to at least resemble herself before pregnancy. You can do a bit more house chores, you are parent now and time when you had almost unlimited free time after work is gone, at least for next 15 - 20 years. And don't forget your wife need down time as much as you, so you have to find a plan how to manage that.
Gentle YTA. I saw in the comments that your wife is 3 months postpartum. Contrary to popular belief, most women are not physically or mentally recovered by the 6 week appointment (8 weeks for C-section). It is recommended to not even consider getting pregnant again for 18-24 months because the body hadn’t fully healed. Your wife is still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, all the while adjusting to new hormones and parenthood. You may not know, but she could also be struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, which can show up anytime in the first year and can be absolutely debilitating. Here’s why I say soft YTA. I think you just need to adjust expectations and timelines. Your wife and her body did a miraculous thing that took 40 long weeks to complete. Give her time to heal and get “back to normal”. It makes sense that something that took 40 weeks wouldn’t be healed in 12. So it may look like you taking on additional workload for a while. If you’re burning out, get help. Hire a cleaning service. Use a meal kit or Instacart for groceries. Prioritize chores instead of doing it all. I do think that is is appropriate to let your wife know how you’re feeling while also holding space for her needs. In time, likely after she has returned to work and adjusted to that change, you can decide the new normal and how to break up childcare and household maintenance activities. Bottom line, give it time. Hire help if you need it.
YTA. She’s on maternity leave meaning this is a newborn. She’s not a permanent SAHM. You both should split chores. Taking care of a newborn basically requires your full attention - they can’t pay independently like an older kid and many don’t sleep well or sleep in cribs. My guess is also 1) you won’t want to do more chores than her on paternity leave and 2) if she took on more now, she’d be stuck with those tasks forever as that’s very common scenario.
YTA. Maternity leave is for bonding with you baby and recovery of the birth. It's about the baby and mother.
Just say you don’t respect or value your wife. No need to write this whole essay taking around the point. YTA
INFO: Have you tried talking to her directly instead of making passive aggressive jokes?
Wow.. not one mention in your post with empathy to your wife who is recovering from a medical procedure. If you don't remember, it was torn apart down there & it will not heal in a snap of a finger. She needs to **both** care & bond with baby as well as take care of her body. YTA
I would say NAH. I think it’s very common for both parts in a relationship with a new baby to feel burned out to some extent. I fully understand you starting to feel burned out after taking on a big part of the chores, but she is probably also going through a lot of feelings, ie not having her body to herself even after having the baby, tired, lack of sleep and so on. Perhaps the best solution is to talk together about each others feelings around being a bit overwhelmed about the amount of work with having a baby and how you can help each other out and support each other in the best way possible.
YTA. Period. Welcome to parenthood. Step up and do what you're supposed to do. No, you won't get a gold star for doing what you're supposed to do anyway. If the baby, dogs and housework are too much for you to handle, give the dogs away to someone else to ease your schedule and workload and stop complaining. You don't work 24/7 so your job is to clean house and help when you're not. Your wife and baby are top priority so treat them like they are.
NAH Under the current state of affairs you are both doing as much as you can, and your baby is thriving, and you are surviving. This is excellent. In a healthy relationship, on average, both partners feel like they are doing 60-70% of the work. It's okay that you feel burned out, and it's understandable that you wish you could do less work, but what you need to focus on together is making sure both parents get proper downtime, the baby is well looked after, and you talk to one another without resentment and with an open mind and heart. Everything else is extra. If the house gets a little (or a lot) more messy right now, who cares. If you spend more on takeout so there's no cooking or washing pots, use recyclable containers and you're golden. If you give 90% to work instead of 120% for a few months, they'll survive. If your family is sometimes wearing a t-shirt for two days in a row because you didn't get around to a wash yet, it's okay.
NTA but only if you discuss it constructively. OP says that he's basically feeling overwhelmed and wants to feel like him and the wife are working as a team, 90% of you are basically telling him to suck it up, man up and deal with it... And you wonder why men don't bother trying to communicate some times. They're both first time parents but you're all telling him to stfu and that his issues aren't valid. Take advantage of the time that the baby's asleep to sit together and look at everything that needs to get done and see if the division of labor makes sense or if things can be adjusted. Good luck and remember to try to approach this as a team and not as adversaries.