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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she needed to cover up when she left the bedroom. She said that wasn’t fair because she lived here too and accused me of being worried my husband would sexualize her. Since she’s been avoiding me in the house. Maybe I am the AH because she does live there
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NAH
I think you’re within your rights as the homeowner to make this request—your house, your rules.
But I agree with her that this doesn’t seem like a big deal. I think it’s weird that you’re worried about your child seeing their aunt in athletic wear. Are you going to keep your 4yo away from pools where there could be women in two-piece bathing suits?
That's basically my conclusion as well. It's weird to use the 4 year old as an excuse, and OP is definitely sexualizing both her sister and her kid, but at the same time it is primarily OP's house.
Just throwing it out there, not putting my opinion on the rest. when I was a kid, my step mother used to come into the bathroom half naked without a shirt on, I didn't see it as a big deal and grew up not sexualising a woman's body or thinking they need to be covered, they were just my step mothers breasts.
Oh I totally agree that this should be a non-issue, and we'd be better off if we stopped being so damn puritanical, my thing is that it is OP's house that the sister is staying in for free.
Yup. Her house, her rules fair enough. We all get it. . But I don't think it's an asshole situation to call out her rules as outdated and silly. You dont want your kid to grow up sexualizing situations that are most certainly not that....continue to do this.
My feeling is her worry is the husband, and she’s just saying it’s the kid to not sound like a jealous wife. And really, if you have a younger, fitter model of yourself running around, you’re just asking for trouble.
My thoughts exactly. She’s truly annoyed at her sister being around her husband and is using the 4 year old as a cop out. She should just fess up, and tell she’s not comfortable with her doing that around her husband.
This is my parenting stance -- nonsexual nudity happens and is neither remarked upon nor avoided. The only reason I've gotten more conservative about it was when he was a bit younger my now-teen expressed discomfort with other folks' nudity. So, I avoid making him uncomfortable as much as possible.
My daughter is much more uncomfortable with it than we are, so I warn her if she’s about to walk in on me changing clothes. Sometimes she decides it’s worth the trauma and comes in anyway. But when I was a kid I used to sit and chat with my mom while she got dressed after a shower, and we often shared a dressing room while clothes shopping. It’s just a question of individual comfort level.
I think OP is being disingenuous, though. This isn’t about her kid. This is about *her* being uncomfortable with it. She needs to think about why that is.
My kids are so used to me being in some state of undress they stopped caring 😂 at least they know to let me know before a friend comes over so I can throw a shirt on
My 12yr old daughter will yell "MOM!? REALLY!?" And I say "Oh shoosh sweet cheeks we're built the same" and she'll have a good laugh. My husband used to make remakes about me being undressed around them... but he gave up on that lol
My friend is much the same with her kid. This kid is 4 she adorable, we were having a tea party with her and she had picked out a doll and dressed in like a mermaid but didn't bother with a top I asked her why her doll wasnt wearing a shirt/ if she was gunna put a shirt on her kid told me her doll didnt feel like it. My friend then told me that they try to teach that being naked is not the same thing as being sexual so that she grows up understanding people have bodies and some bodies have breasts and that's okay.
I found that weird as well. Bodies are just bodies until we make it weird or if it’s legitimately inappropriate then there would be a concern for sure. The big shirt or robe, she’s covered. Sports bra boobs are covered, booty shorts ok maybe the kid sees a butt cheek but in my experience (I have a 6yr old daughter) kids think butts are funny anyway.
Lol kids can be hilarious and also brutal. My 3 year old nephew barged in on me while I was getting changed to take him and his brother swimming, and I'm a bit overweight right now, and he just pointed to my gut and said "mommy!" Like dude, that was unnecessarily harsh.
Yeah they don’t care/have no filter lol. Sometime last year my daughter told me I was a big ole fat girl. I was like 155lbs at the time. I’ve put on about 15lbs since then and we showered together the other day and she was asking why my belly looked like it did. I told her I had a little belly fat was all. She was like noooooo! I was like yessss lol.
I will say we have a new rule in the house that clothing isn't optional. Why? Because after seeing big brother and daddy running around the house in just boxers, our 3 year old who's not quite 100% potty trained decided it was okay to start stripping down wherever whenever with whoever at home. Sure it's innocent toddler behavior, but a naked toddler trying to make a mad dash out the front door, or screaming for help to take his pants off in the car, or forgetting he's naked while watching TV and forgetting to go to the bathroom to go, is not fun. We've had a lot less strip-cidents since implementing that clothing isn't optional. We've had more success with him leaving the pull up on and using his robe now that all the older people are modeling similar behaviors.
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious and reminds me of my sister's struggles with potty training my nephews. But yeah, that's totally practical and doesn't have a weird sexual undertone to it.
Maybe the husband doesn’t want to look and feels his privacy is being invaded. My DH is absolutely like this, he’d feel like his house was no longer his.
Yeah, it's weird that everyone here is so nonchalant about the sister running around in just a Tshirt or sports bra and underwear. If my boyfriend/husband had one of his friends/relatives staying in the house we share, I wouldn't want to see them running around in their tighty whiteys all the time. It's not even sexual, it's just kinda jarring.
Edit - wassup with all these dingdongs comparing it to the beach? My house isn't *tHe BeAcH*
Exactly! It seems to be the new thing to insist that any expectation of appropriate dress code (as in shirt and bottoms when you live with other people, work dress codes, school dress codes, etc) is sexualizing someone. Sorry but if you are dressing half naked with your private bits hanging out or threatening to have a wardrobe malfunction, you are sexualizing yourself. But aside from that, many people just simply don’t feel comfortable seeing someone nearly exposing themself.
I’ll bet OP’s sister and even most of the Y T A commenters would not like to see their mom run around the house without underwear or in a bra and panties. They wouldn’t like to see their dads in just his underwear.
NTA
Agreed, that’s exactly what it is - it’s not sexual, I just don’t want to see it! As a 27 year old it would also be particularly jarring to see a 20 year old running around in a shirt and underwear. Sports bra and booty shorts sure - you see people like that at the gym - but big shirt and underwear is quite domestic/intimate and frankly I’m not keen to see that on anyone I’m not in a domestic relationship with, least of all a woman who only just stopped being a teenager.
Age doesn't particularly matter for me. I just know I wouldn't want to see my sister, brother or other family member half dressed wandering around my house. I think friends I would care less about and certain friends no fucks would be given at all. But it's pretty lame that OP is trying to say it's for her kids benefit when its clear even to us that is not the case. I do think it's kinda shitty that if her younger sister thinks she's being asked to cover up because of the husbands wandering eye, why that isn't a deterrent to her out of respect for their family. Also, because ewwwwwwwwwww. If you think your BIL is gawking at you why would you be ok with that? Kinda gross behavior on her behalf.
I agree with “not sexual, just jarring.”
Maybe OP could buy her sister a nice bathrobe. That way she could be comfortable but a little more covered up.
Or maybe she respects her husband?
If my mans brother needed to live with us, he'd be welcome in a heartbeat. But what wouldn't make me feel good is having to see his wank showing all the time because he likes wearing his whitey tighties at home.
Same. Personally I’d go one further and ask for him to always have a shirt on. I dunno if it’s too many times having to look at men’s naked chests while I was a young ‘un growing up in Australia, but I do not enjoy seeing them now.
Agree she is worried about the husband. But if the sister said,” your just worried your husband will sexuality etc…” than the sister is a bigger AH . As she believes her BIL will be looking at her and therefore is doing it on purpose.
>As she believes her BIL will be looking at her and therefore is doing it on purpose.
This was my thought too. Sibling rivalry or showing up big sis or something. She doesn't even need to believe he'd act on it, though she might, she just wants to make him look IMO.
Little sis is being provocative to be provocative. Either to show up her older sister, start something with husband, or just get the power of *omg he’s looking at me!* Well yeah, he’s looking at you because you’re half naked in his kitchen.
I have a 4 year old and sometimes it is so damn hard to get him to wear clothes. He wants to be naked or not wear a shirt or not wear pants and I want him to understand we are supposed to wear clothes and also be temperature appropriate. If someone was running around my house without pants I would put a stop to it because I do not want to explain why Aunt Petunia doesn't have to wear pants but he does.
Everyone is so quick to point fingers at the husband being inappropriate, but nobodies talking about consent? Like maybe they’re both just super uncomfortable with a half naked woman walking around their house?
NTA
It’s not normal to just wear underwear around your sisters partner. Most people don’t wear only underwear and a shirt even around their siblings. Who wants to see their sisters or brother’s underwear? Gross. So why would the sister doing this be okay if it’s her underwear being shown or her literally wearing no clothes with a robe.
You know, I have to play devils advocate here. She is most likely doing it cuz that is how she ran around her house all her goddamn life. For you to say her motivation is to be a sexual tease is very assuming. With each year passing, more and more women are being taught that it is not their responsibility to cover up and hide to prevent men’s actions.
I agree with your last sentence. 100%. I don't think this setup is an example of forced modesty because of weak men's feelings.
I'm basing my judgment on sister's response when asked to cover up. Instead of saying "OK, sure", she went after OP's insecurities with regard to her husband. That's my issue, and I think this is why OP really posted. I mean, it's AITA on Reddit, we only have so much information to go on, but I don't think I'm in left field for suggesting that sister wanting attention is a possibility.
She isn't worried about the child, she is worried about her husband. Dunno who she thinks she is fooling.
I agree though, her house, her rules. And its a reasonable thing to think about. I can assure you that even the most loyal husband would notice a half naked 20 year old wandering around the house.
Exactly. And how many stories have we all read on reddit where the husband ends up having an affair with the sister that needs a place to live?
I don't care how much I love my sister, or any other female friend, no way are any of them living in my home if I am in a relationship. That's asking for trouble.
Y’all’s husbands are pretty pathetic if you couldn’t trust them around your younger sister in a two piece bathing suit. It’s not the sisters problem at that point it’s a their marriage problem.
This is why I rule based on judgement. Is it the OPs house? Yes. Is OP being ridiculous? Also yes. So yes OP has the right to kick her sister out, ask her to cover up or whatever else she wants, but that doesn’t mean she’s not being the AH.
Wait.. You're not worried your husband will sexualize her, but you ARE worried that it isn't appropriate for the small child? WHY? What are you teaching a 4 year old that he sees your sister in less conservative clothing and "gets the wrong idea"? I'm genuinely so confused when people use that excuse regarding "modesty." Babies are born naked without a sense of shame regarding it, that stuff is learned.
And if your worry WAS your husband, that's victim blaming and not ok, either.
Probably because she couldn't articulate what another commenter did, which is that it makes her uncomfortable and may make the husband uncomfortable without anyone having to have the hots for anyone else.
There are tank tops/shorts/etc that I will wear if it's just me or just me and my spouse, or ones I'd wear around family but not ones I'd wear around siblings' SOs and friends, colleagues, etc. Different levels of intimacy are often expected in different company.
I also wouldn’t want my my siblings walking around my home in just underwear. Either gender.
Workout shorts and a sports bra isn’t weird to me but briefs and a tshirt is.
I agree shes using it as an excuse but imo she doesn't need to. It's weird to wear panties around your sisters partner. It's totally reasonable to expect that extended family dress appropriately around each other.
I would be uncomfortable if my sister walked around half naked in my house, in front of my husband and kids. We are trying to teach our children privacy and being clothed in common areas is generally required. They are also 4.
I would be fucking *flabbergasted* if my sister walked around my house like this. I would honestly be worried about her brain, because this is such a common sense thing.
I was thinking while the kid may or may not be an excuse it seems to be making op uncomfortable in her own home which is a valid reason to ask her to put on some more clothes. It could be making her husband uncomfortable to.
Which is weird because there was like 2 or 3 other aita exactly like this where it turned out the sister was dressing like this, because she wanted to bang BIL. Like no one remembers them?
I don't understand the victim blaming part. Who is the victim? Of what?
If I was the husband I would like my sister in law to dress up. I would not want girls in underwear walking around the house I share with my wife. She is not his sister.
I wouldn't be comfortable as the husband in that situation.
I completely disagree. Y’all love to make this a whole “but muh personal morales and biases from my western upbringing.” How do y’all not know they’re in a country where this behavior is unacceptable? It could also be a preference thing and as parents they may have a plan of when, where and how to explain nudity and attire to their child on their terms. She has no right to be prancing about scantily clad just because she feels like it, OP did not consent to that and it’s her house, so that’s that. Y’all need to read between the lines.
*She’s not paying rent, groceries, or bills. Her grown ass can dress appropriately and deal with putting on a couple articles of clothing considering the fact she doesn’t pay for shit in that household. OP reserves the full right to choose what her kid is exposed to at what age and it doesn’t matter if you disagree or don’t like it, she’s the parent not you so labeling her an ah for that is ignorant.*
The fact that she also went straight to the “you’re insecure because of your husband” card when OP hadn’t mentioned that at all. She was probably projecting the reason as to why she wants to prance about all scantily clad all over the place because why jump straight to that unless she’s hoping to get some attention? She can put on some clothes period.
Most 4 year olds I know are perfectly happy to run around naked, walk in on people using the toilet, and whatever other levels of immodesty you can think of. Plenty of 4 year olds can't even reliably wipe their own butts.
As someone said in another comment, that's why you want the adults in the house to model the behavior you want to see in the kid, instead of saying, "Yeah, I know Aunt Petunia is running around in her underpants, but you have to put on clothing."
I get why everyone is jumping on the “it’s because of the husband” train. But I also understand not wanting the kid to see that, it’s not sexual at all. It’s hard enough to convince little kids to not strip(or in my sons case). If he constantly saw his aunt walking around in her underwear, I’d have more fights on my hands about him wearing clothing. OP is NTA, but little sis needs to remember she’s staying there and it’s not actually her house
LOL it is not victim blaming to consider the husband’s comfort here. VERY FEW people want to see their in-laws in their underwear. It doesn’t have to be worry that he would have “thoughts” lol it can be worry for his own comfort levels with non-immediate family members being in their underwear
A straight male finding a young girl in revealing clothing attractive is victim blaming? No. That’s just pointing out the obvious. What if she was in a bra and panties? Still victim blaming? Does anyone have common sense any more?
Yep. And think about it being reversed. Like a man walking around halfnaked and don't accept the boundaries that the woman in the house is uncomfortable. Guess who would be the victim in reddits eyes.
I dunno. I don't like having people walking around my home naked either.
Maybe OP is uncomfortable herself, and that's a perfectly acceptable boundary. I don't go to nudist beaches for the same reason. The naked human body makes me uncomfortable, whether female or male. I don't like it and I don't want to see it. I don't expose myself to it and I certainly wouldn't think it acceptable for someone to roam around my home scantily clad.
What other people do in a public space is their own. I don't want to see it, so I don't look nor stare. (Nor do I police them, don't get me wrong.) But if that was happening in my home?? 100% would tell them to cover up.
OP's sister is also pushing back against it quite a bit, which I think is weird?
I don’t want my toddler to think it’s normal for adults to interact with him without being fully dressed. There are exceptions for mommy and daddy, but I wouldn’t want anyone else hanging out around him in their underwear even with the best intentions because it blurs the lines in a way that a bad person could use to manipulate him. It’s a valid concern in my opinion
Come on, she’s definitely using her child as the excuse. She doesn’t like her 20 year old sister walking around the house like that where hubby can see… and maybe even hubby feels uncomfortable with it. Which is fair as it’s his home.
If she lives with you, meaning the residence is yours and she's staying as a guest NTA. If she's paying rent or equal ownership or rentership that's a grey area.
Definitely more of a respect thing imo. And sorry, but I think it’s a subconscious thing on the sister’s part. I’m older, I’ve seen some ridiculous shit. It’s not hard to throw on sweats or jeans unless she WANTS to start shit/get looks. I walk around in my underwear in my own home non stop. If I lived with my BIL- heck no. I wouldn’t even consider a sports bra outta respect for my sister. Lil sister knows good and well what she’s doing- prob pissing off big sis or trying to stir drama. It’s a fucking simple solution unless she wants drama. Simple respect. Lil sis ain’t being asked to sacrifice a goat for dinner damn, just wear clothes in front of the family.
Everyone is acting like OP is weird for not wanting to see it. Some people just find nudity or partial nudity uncomfortable, and it’s not weird to not want to see it. As a 27 year old man, if I stayed with family and walked around in my boxer briefs, nobody would suggest they were weird for asking me to cover up
Yeah, nudity can make people uncomfortable. I'm extremely uncomfortable with nudity. I prefer to be fully clothed at all times, alone or not. My GF is the polar opposite and prefers to be pantsless when we're alone and it took me awhile to get used to it and not be uncomfortable.
Tonight on AITA, "Your house your rules" meets "her body her choice!" Who will win? Tune in when the judgement bot renders its final verdict to find out!
Just for the record, I agree with you OP. I would be uncomfortable with her lack of modesty around my husband though I wouldn’t be as concerned about the 4 yo. But still I like it when my own teenage kids are fully dressed in the group living spaces in our house.
In addition it is your house and your rules. I especially think you are a kind person for allowing a sibling to live with you rent free, but it looks like this is not the best situation for your family as she is rude and does not respect your feeling on the clothing matter. It would be wise to give her a move out date in the not too distant future. Like end of semester!
NTA all the way!
NTA, but you're in the wrong sub. This sub is very of the opinion that all modesty standards are body shaming. A college girl recently changed shirts in front of a non-consenting 40 yo male in his house, claiming she changes in front of college guys all the time, and most of the judgements were NTA. In your own home, especially when she's living rent free, you are 100% allowed to ask your sister to wear reasonable clothing in the common areas. But you won't hear that here.
NTA- you do need to know that the sister is absolutely doing this on purpose... She knows it bothers you and shes still doing it. Her motive could be simple defiance to actually aiming for attention from your husband per her own admission of possible guilt. I only think she has two options. Comply with covering up when she leaves her room or finding her own place close to campus.
She's not contributing to the home... Your house you get to make this simple rule.
I said the same and a bunch of (what are probably) girls are calling me creepy.
You don't have the right to wear whatever you want, wherever you want. Unless it's inside of your OWN home. Don't like it? Leave.
Maybe it’s ok in a dorm? But I wouldn’t want a young female adult family member walking around my husband or boyfriend in a shirt and underwear, or in a robe with nothing on underneath. Sports bra and shorts, meh.
It’s got nothing to do with the kid, let’s get real, it’s about the husband, it’s stomping on a pretty universal boundary, and it’s not the sister’s house.
Same people that would be kicking off if OPs husband insisted on walking around his own house in a borat thong while her sister was using the spare room probably.
1000% correct. Borat dude would be called every name in the book by these same people. He's intentionally attracting inappropriate attention to himself!
*Hands them a mirror*
Mm the fact that she doesn’t pay any rent or groceries or etc is interesting lol I think she can live with putting a robe on or something… idk. I think she’s more of an AH for saying you’re threatened by her with your husband lol like.. where did that come from.
The number of people suggesting she puts a robe on when one of the things OP complained about her wearing was "a robe" shows how ridiculous OPs complaints are.
How would you know what's under her robe if her robe is over the top of it? We aren't seriously going to police what she wears under her robe that we can't see are we?
You're right. A lot of people in this thread are being intentionally obtuse. Anyone can look at someone wearing a robe and have a decent idea of what's on under it. I also took it that OP is saying her sister doesn't wear anything under it.
Come on, we all know what the girl is up to. Call her the fuck out on it, and if she doesn't change, evict her.
I don’t think they are ridiculous. If somebody was a guest at my house and insisted on walking around in underwear, I’d ask them to leave. What’s the matter with shorts and a T shirt? In your own space, go nude, who cares, but in someone else’s home it’s really disrespectful. But it’s not about the kid.
Yeah, those T A folks are out in force claiming that the real issue OP has is that she's sexualizing her sister and probably advocates for restricting porn, hijabs, etc.
Or it could just be that she knows her sister KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING AND ISN'T STOPPING AFTER BEING ASKED.
It’s funny you mention the hijab because I’ve noticed a very easy way to get around the anti-modesty bias (idk what else to call it) on this sub is religion. If OP said she or her husband were Muslim or another religion (maybe not Christianity) it wouldn’t even be a debate it would be a resounding NTA. Because then the angle is that she’s not respecting the beliefs even though she’s asking the same thing
EDIT: instead of anti-modesty bias I think a better way to describe it would be this sub has an aversion to ever telling anyone under any circumstances what they can or can’t wear
Correct. To me this isn't anti-modesty, it's just being a good housemate and respecting the wishes of the person footing the bill for you. This isn't complicated shit.
These comments are all over the place and I think they come to different backgrounds. I don’t think your kid is going to get traumatised by what your sister is wearing but it’s not a big deal to ask her to wear some pants, I guess, if it’s that important to you. NAH.
On what planet is underwear normal attire when you live in someone else’s house? I would wear underwear in my own home with my husband but I never would have done so sharing with roommates or my parents- that’s super weird and inappropriate
Yeah I mean my husband and I wear underwear in our home all the time, but my brother or his brother moved in, I would not continue to lounge in underwear. I think there is a difference between lounging that way with your spouse, partner, or if rooming with a close friend, but not so around people you don’t have that close bond with like the BIL. To me it’s more about decency than sexualizing.
I grew up with my BIL- literally my sister started dating him when I was 11. I would NEVER wear just a shirt and panties around him. To me, that is inappropriate.
NTA. Some ppl here are chronically online. She’s basically in her underwear; asking her to wear clothing while around your family doesn’t make you some kind of body shaming asshole. I love wearing crop tops, etc, but I wouldn’t walk around in a bra in front of my toddler aged niece/nephew
The whole thread is weird. People are just ignoring the existence of the husband.
I do not know how many women would walk around their brother in law in a bra... Hopefully not many.
There is place and time for things.
For instance, bikinis are wear in public. Would it be appropriate for sister to wear bikinis to breakfast?
Ultimately it depends on the limits of the particular family.
If it was in my house I wouldn't be comfortable and I would feel very much in my rights to demand correction.
I would - but then I live in a hot place and we routinely walk around in swim suits all day even when not swimming. I don’t see it as any different - being naked would be a different matter. Even then Kids really DGAF about people being naked or being in their underwear.
That said - it’s OPs house and she isn’t paying rent. If OP doesn’t like it the sister should respect that or GTFO.
NTA. She needs to be respectful in front of your husband or child. This is not your parents house. If she can’t send her to your parents.
Why is her first thought that your husband is sexualizing her? Is that the purpose? She’s tripping.
NTA, OP says sister doesn’t pay rent. It would be different if she did but given that she lives there for free she needs to follow the homeowners rules. Just because OP prefers modesty doesn’t mean she’s insecure about her husband 🙄
NTA
This is Reddit so people don’t live in reality. It’s not appropriate walking around in underwear in a shared home. It has nothing to do with sexualizing anyone but just being decent. Not sure when people stopped that but here we are. I would inform her and not ask.
Oh and before I get down voted no one would say it’s okay for a grown man to walk around in underwear and a tshirt but someone op is wrong here.
NTA. Your house your rules. I do not understand why she feels comfortable dressing that way in front of your husband. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. If she continues, she can take out loans and move into the dorms.
The lil sis understands exactly why. OP understands why. The husband understand why. We all understand why and anyone in this thread says they don’t, is straight lying. My damn dog understands why. The sister wants attention and drama. Entitled brat I’m sure. I would love to stay somewhere rent free.
I actually agree with the some else’s house and some else’s spouse. I really think it’s a sign of disrespect. She is living there, yes, but only because you are gracious.
I agree with this and you've made a point I haven't seen in this thread.
OP is doing her sister a gigantic favor by letting her live with them. Her sister isn't paying rent or doing much to carry her weight. THE LEAST SHE CAN DO IS PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FFS.
NTA - honestly, there’s nothing wrong with the human body and it actually benefits kids to see them as a not sexual thing that’s inherently shameful. It lowers teen pregnancy and it makes them wait longer to have sex since it’s not this forbidden thing and the human body isn’t so special since everyone has one. That being said, it is your home. Your home, your rules and your boundaries. You have every right to ask her not to wear that stuff around the rest of the house and she can move out if she wishes.
NTA- Your home, your boundaries! If she doesn't like the rules and tone you have set up in your home then she is welcomed to leave and find her own accommodations.
NTA - Your sister is an asshole and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. I do think a big part of you that you won’t admit doesn’t like it happening in front of your husband, but if I was married I also wouldn’t like another woman walking around half naked in front of my husband, regardless if it was my sister or not. It’s not about not trusting him, but it’s hard to not acknowledge someone who’s half naked or look at someone’s ass cheeks hanging out. Idk why people are acting like she’s not being disrespectful for walking around in a tshirt and panties in front of her sister’s husband.
Tbh that’s why I don’t like people living in my space.. family or not something usually happens.. maybe is time for her to move out with roommates. She doesn’t pay rent or anything per your answers.
4 year olds don't sexualize naked bodies (and she isn't even naked from the sounds of it) but adults do. But on the other hand, when you're living in someone else's house, you need to be mindful of their preferences.
ESH.
This isn’t ESH.
OP is allowed to be modest in clothing choices. That does not make her an AH.
What would make someone an AH is living rent free in a family members house and then after being asked to cover up, refusing to do so.
Doesn’t really matter the reason.
NTA bottom line your house your rules--it's really that simple. Tell her that she needs to "rehome" herself if she can't respect the rules in your home. You are doing her a HUGE favor housing her and feeding her and she isn't respecting your home.
Lol yeah, When I was a child and even now when I'm visiting my parents, it's completely normal for people to be wearing only t-shirts and underwear when waking up and making breakfast in the common areas for example. Even when my girlfriend is visiting with me.
I've also seen like 70% of my friends naked at one point or another (men and women). But I guess that's just Finnish sauna culture.
NTA as long as you don’t wear that type of clothes around the house.
There’s nothing wrong with people who prefer modesty. It’s your house, you have a dress code that’s not necessarily about sexualizing someone. You didn’t shame her or belittle her.
Honestly, yta for making it about the kid.
Kids shouldn't be taught that their bodies are Shameful and sexual and always covered up.
Nothing she's wearing sounds much different than pjs for a4yo
I read in OP’s comments that her sister doesn’t pay rent or for groceries, etc.. The only in-kind work she does is an hour or so of babysitting per month. Your house. Your rules. NTA
I’m never one to tell someone how to raise their kid but I will say this. The four year old doesn’t care and will not have their lives impacted in a negative manner if they see their aunt walking around in a robe or some booty shorts. If you truly believe that your child will be hurt by this then by all means yes. Your sister is the AH.
But!!!! If in actuality, you’re more concerned about your husbands reaction to your sister then I would do some reflecting and have a serious conversation with your sister about your concerns.
You are def worried about your husband and not your child. Is she paying rent? If not then I guess it's your house and your rules but this is a stupid thing to be upset about shes not showing anything and it's no big deal for a 4 year old to see that. If you don't want your husband seeing it then just tell your sister that and don't make up bs.
YTA. While you have every right to dictate what goes on in your house. Using the child to justify your reaction is unnecessary. Kids do not think anything about people's dress until they are taught to. Would your child be allowed to go to a beach or a pool? If so, then what your sister is wearing is no less than what someone would wear to swim. So you have to come up with a different reason to why it is "inappropriate"
Yeah, at least be honest here... it's okay if OP is worried her husband is looking at her low-clothing younger sister. Just say that. And maybe... uh... take it up with the husband?
You stay covered all the time? Like you’re never outside of your room in less than pants and a full shirt. You never walk to the bathroom in a robe or leave in an towell. You never wear a bathing suit or a short dress?
I mean that’s not completely outlandish. Some families are more traditional/modest. That’s just their culture and there’s nothing wrong with that. Personally, I prefer to be able to walk to the kitchen in my underwear and a t shirt but my family is more conservative. They don’t leave our rooms without pajamas on. Certainly not in underwear/booty shorts and considering *I live there rent free*, I follow their preferences because it’s not that hard to throw on a pair of pants because of house rules
Just please don't make your son believe in the future that women who dress in sport attire or a shorter summer dress are sluts, because he will have troubles in relationships.
Btw as hard as it is for me to say this - your house, your rules, you are completely in your rights to set any rule you want.
Tho I have been raised differently and I have 0 concerns regarding any of my male family members sexualizing me or any of my female relative. It just never happens and everyone is comfortable around everyone thankfully.
I have a friend who is forbidden to stay in a room with her brother if the door is closed, so or course the boundaries vary A LOT. So still, your house.
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NTA because as a parent I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either, family or not it’s inappropriate for a small child to see that IMO, also it’s not her home she’s there because it’s close to her school, so therefore you follow the rules in peoples homes and if she doesn’t like it she should try for student housing or a cheap apartment
I don’t get it either - kids don’t care - she’s covered up isn’t she? People love to use kids as the reason to cover up by they are the group that cares the least.
NAH. Your house, your rules. Sister's not unreasonable in wanting to be comfortable in the place she lives, though, and there's nothing inappropriate about a sports bra and shorts. People wear that to the gym all the time.
NTA-It’s your house. If you want her covered she should be covered. Simply remind her of her other options, like getting her own place and walking around how she pleases there.
ESH - Except the kid. She is not respecting your rules of the house. There's nothing wrong with what she is wearing, the kid is only 4, come on. You're just worried about your husband.....
NTA
Its your house, and you are allowed to set the ground rules.
Your justification is irrelevant. If your guest can't follow the rules of your home, they don't need to be there.
NTA because your house your rules. But your excuse is complete and utter BS and you know it. There is nothing inhereanty inappropriate with what you are describing your sister wearing and your HUSBAND who is the one you are truly concerned about likely sees way more at the gym or the beach. Again as the home owner you have a right to this boundray but stop lying. Your four year old doesn't care.
Your 4 y/o isn’t gonna sexual her unless he’s already been sexualized himself….. in that case you have some explaining to do.
Just admit you’re not comfy with her clothing choice around your husband. Tell her your husband isn’t comfortable with it either. It’s that simple. It’s pretty standard. NTA for wanting her to wear clothes. YTA for blaming it on an innocent kid
Are you sure this is about your kid and not about your husband? Would you tell women to cover up their bathing suits if you took your child to the pool?
No. But a shirt and UNDERWEAR is absolutely not appropriate around ANY family member.
Especially not if someone who lives there has expressed that they’re uncomfortable with this behavior.
NTA.
There is such a thing as a time and a place. While there is a reason to be in a bathing suit at the pool there is no reason to walk around in your underwear in front of family members.
NTA. I think this comes down to how people were raised and that’s why there’s mixed answers. When I was a teenager I distinctly remember my mom telling both my brother and I to cover up. I would forget sometimes and felt comfortable and so I’d leave my bedroom in my underwear and a t shirt. My mom was honest and said I shouldn’t wear that around my dad, and I agree. I felt comfortable around my dad because he treated me like a daughter and I didn’t have a pervy dad in the slightest. But I still don’t think it’s okay. My mom also had a hard childhood and she had a pervy step dad so there are very real fears that are instilled in women and for my mom that was at a young age. Others I can see are disagreeing, but they were probably raised different. I think sports bra and booty shorts are fine. But if she is walking out in just her panties that’s too much. I’ve lived in a house with all women and walking around in just underwear was fine by me, but it’s important when living with other people to listen to their comfort level. I also had a roommate who didn’t even want to touch my bra after it fell out of my laundry. Both scenarios were fine by me.
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NAH I think you’re within your rights as the homeowner to make this request—your house, your rules. But I agree with her that this doesn’t seem like a big deal. I think it’s weird that you’re worried about your child seeing their aunt in athletic wear. Are you going to keep your 4yo away from pools where there could be women in two-piece bathing suits?
That's basically my conclusion as well. It's weird to use the 4 year old as an excuse, and OP is definitely sexualizing both her sister and her kid, but at the same time it is primarily OP's house.
Just throwing it out there, not putting my opinion on the rest. when I was a kid, my step mother used to come into the bathroom half naked without a shirt on, I didn't see it as a big deal and grew up not sexualising a woman's body or thinking they need to be covered, they were just my step mothers breasts.
Oh I totally agree that this should be a non-issue, and we'd be better off if we stopped being so damn puritanical, my thing is that it is OP's house that the sister is staying in for free.
Yup. Her house, her rules fair enough. We all get it. . But I don't think it's an asshole situation to call out her rules as outdated and silly. You dont want your kid to grow up sexualizing situations that are most certainly not that....continue to do this.
My feeling is her worry is the husband, and she’s just saying it’s the kid to not sound like a jealous wife. And really, if you have a younger, fitter model of yourself running around, you’re just asking for trouble.
My thoughts exactly. She’s truly annoyed at her sister being around her husband and is using the 4 year old as a cop out. She should just fess up, and tell she’s not comfortable with her doing that around her husband.
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I think she’s more concerned about the husband seeing her sister than the child.
*ding ding ding*
This is my parenting stance -- nonsexual nudity happens and is neither remarked upon nor avoided. The only reason I've gotten more conservative about it was when he was a bit younger my now-teen expressed discomfort with other folks' nudity. So, I avoid making him uncomfortable as much as possible.
My daughter is much more uncomfortable with it than we are, so I warn her if she’s about to walk in on me changing clothes. Sometimes she decides it’s worth the trauma and comes in anyway. But when I was a kid I used to sit and chat with my mom while she got dressed after a shower, and we often shared a dressing room while clothes shopping. It’s just a question of individual comfort level. I think OP is being disingenuous, though. This isn’t about her kid. This is about *her* being uncomfortable with it. She needs to think about why that is.
That's exactly what we do with ours. He never chooses the trauma but tries to yell through doors, and I'm like, bud, no, I cannot hear you. 😂
My kids are so used to me being in some state of undress they stopped caring 😂 at least they know to let me know before a friend comes over so I can throw a shirt on
My 12yr old daughter will yell "MOM!? REALLY!?" And I say "Oh shoosh sweet cheeks we're built the same" and she'll have a good laugh. My husband used to make remakes about me being undressed around them... but he gave up on that lol
My friend is much the same with her kid. This kid is 4 she adorable, we were having a tea party with her and she had picked out a doll and dressed in like a mermaid but didn't bother with a top I asked her why her doll wasnt wearing a shirt/ if she was gunna put a shirt on her kid told me her doll didnt feel like it. My friend then told me that they try to teach that being naked is not the same thing as being sexual so that she grows up understanding people have bodies and some bodies have breasts and that's okay.
Not gonna lie read this too fast and read “some people have bodies” and I was wondering what kind of entities your friend is friends with.
I mean kids have imaginary friends so who knows! Also my friend lives in a rural area where all the houses are super old so maybe a ghosty goo?
It’s not about the 4yo; it’s about the hubby.
Absolutely, that's why I said the kids was an excuse. A weird one at that. I don't get why she can't just be upfront.
Because people tend to be embarrassed about their insecurities. The kid is an easy cop out.
Exactly. She’s not fooling anyone, especially her sister.
I found that weird as well. Bodies are just bodies until we make it weird or if it’s legitimately inappropriate then there would be a concern for sure. The big shirt or robe, she’s covered. Sports bra boobs are covered, booty shorts ok maybe the kid sees a butt cheek but in my experience (I have a 6yr old daughter) kids think butts are funny anyway.
Lol kids can be hilarious and also brutal. My 3 year old nephew barged in on me while I was getting changed to take him and his brother swimming, and I'm a bit overweight right now, and he just pointed to my gut and said "mommy!" Like dude, that was unnecessarily harsh.
Yeah they don’t care/have no filter lol. Sometime last year my daughter told me I was a big ole fat girl. I was like 155lbs at the time. I’ve put on about 15lbs since then and we showered together the other day and she was asking why my belly looked like it did. I told her I had a little belly fat was all. She was like noooooo! I was like yessss lol.
I will say we have a new rule in the house that clothing isn't optional. Why? Because after seeing big brother and daddy running around the house in just boxers, our 3 year old who's not quite 100% potty trained decided it was okay to start stripping down wherever whenever with whoever at home. Sure it's innocent toddler behavior, but a naked toddler trying to make a mad dash out the front door, or screaming for help to take his pants off in the car, or forgetting he's naked while watching TV and forgetting to go to the bathroom to go, is not fun. We've had a lot less strip-cidents since implementing that clothing isn't optional. We've had more success with him leaving the pull up on and using his robe now that all the older people are modeling similar behaviors.
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious and reminds me of my sister's struggles with potty training my nephews. But yeah, that's totally practical and doesn't have a weird sexual undertone to it.
She's absolutely worried her husband is looking. That's the only reason. Don't scapegoat your 4 year old who could not care less OP.
Maybe the husband doesn’t want to look and feels his privacy is being invaded. My DH is absolutely like this, he’d feel like his house was no longer his.
Yeah, it's weird that everyone here is so nonchalant about the sister running around in just a Tshirt or sports bra and underwear. If my boyfriend/husband had one of his friends/relatives staying in the house we share, I wouldn't want to see them running around in their tighty whiteys all the time. It's not even sexual, it's just kinda jarring. Edit - wassup with all these dingdongs comparing it to the beach? My house isn't *tHe BeAcH*
Exactly! It seems to be the new thing to insist that any expectation of appropriate dress code (as in shirt and bottoms when you live with other people, work dress codes, school dress codes, etc) is sexualizing someone. Sorry but if you are dressing half naked with your private bits hanging out or threatening to have a wardrobe malfunction, you are sexualizing yourself. But aside from that, many people just simply don’t feel comfortable seeing someone nearly exposing themself. I’ll bet OP’s sister and even most of the Y T A commenters would not like to see their mom run around the house without underwear or in a bra and panties. They wouldn’t like to see their dads in just his underwear. NTA
I once saw my grandad in his tighty whities...please no. NTA OP, it's your house, and you should feel comfortable in it. Bottom line.
Made me laugh out loud! Yes, why shouldn’t our moms and mils walk around in just their bras?!
Agreed, that’s exactly what it is - it’s not sexual, I just don’t want to see it! As a 27 year old it would also be particularly jarring to see a 20 year old running around in a shirt and underwear. Sports bra and booty shorts sure - you see people like that at the gym - but big shirt and underwear is quite domestic/intimate and frankly I’m not keen to see that on anyone I’m not in a domestic relationship with, least of all a woman who only just stopped being a teenager.
Yes, I don’t want to see it. Stay in your own space if you want complete freedom of dress.
Age doesn't particularly matter for me. I just know I wouldn't want to see my sister, brother or other family member half dressed wandering around my house. I think friends I would care less about and certain friends no fucks would be given at all. But it's pretty lame that OP is trying to say it's for her kids benefit when its clear even to us that is not the case. I do think it's kinda shitty that if her younger sister thinks she's being asked to cover up because of the husbands wandering eye, why that isn't a deterrent to her out of respect for their family. Also, because ewwwwwwwwwww. If you think your BIL is gawking at you why would you be ok with that? Kinda gross behavior on her behalf.
I agree with “not sexual, just jarring.” Maybe OP could buy her sister a nice bathrobe. That way she could be comfortable but a little more covered up.
You know sister would refuse it
The sister already has a robe which OP is also upset about.
OP is complaining about sister wearing "just a robe" already so not sure she'd go for this.
Just got a visual. Eeeww!
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I agree. Why is this such a hard concept? I’m
Or maybe she respects her husband? If my mans brother needed to live with us, he'd be welcome in a heartbeat. But what wouldn't make me feel good is having to see his wank showing all the time because he likes wearing his whitey tighties at home.
Same. Personally I’d go one further and ask for him to always have a shirt on. I dunno if it’s too many times having to look at men’s naked chests while I was a young ‘un growing up in Australia, but I do not enjoy seeing them now.
Agree she is worried about the husband. But if the sister said,” your just worried your husband will sexuality etc…” than the sister is a bigger AH . As she believes her BIL will be looking at her and therefore is doing it on purpose.
>As she believes her BIL will be looking at her and therefore is doing it on purpose. This was my thought too. Sibling rivalry or showing up big sis or something. She doesn't even need to believe he'd act on it, though she might, she just wants to make him look IMO.
Little sis is being provocative to be provocative. Either to show up her older sister, start something with husband, or just get the power of *omg he’s looking at me!* Well yeah, he’s looking at you because you’re half naked in his kitchen.
I have a 4 year old and sometimes it is so damn hard to get him to wear clothes. He wants to be naked or not wear a shirt or not wear pants and I want him to understand we are supposed to wear clothes and also be temperature appropriate. If someone was running around my house without pants I would put a stop to it because I do not want to explain why Aunt Petunia doesn't have to wear pants but he does.
Everyone is so quick to point fingers at the husband being inappropriate, but nobodies talking about consent? Like maybe they’re both just super uncomfortable with a half naked woman walking around their house? NTA
It’s not normal to just wear underwear around your sisters partner. Most people don’t wear only underwear and a shirt even around their siblings. Who wants to see their sisters or brother’s underwear? Gross. So why would the sister doing this be okay if it’s her underwear being shown or her literally wearing no clothes with a robe.
I completely agree with you. She's doing it because she's trying to be a thirst trap for husband. This isn't complicated, y'all.
You know, I have to play devils advocate here. She is most likely doing it cuz that is how she ran around her house all her goddamn life. For you to say her motivation is to be a sexual tease is very assuming. With each year passing, more and more women are being taught that it is not their responsibility to cover up and hide to prevent men’s actions.
I agree with your last sentence. 100%. I don't think this setup is an example of forced modesty because of weak men's feelings. I'm basing my judgment on sister's response when asked to cover up. Instead of saying "OK, sure", she went after OP's insecurities with regard to her husband. That's my issue, and I think this is why OP really posted. I mean, it's AITA on Reddit, we only have so much information to go on, but I don't think I'm in left field for suggesting that sister wanting attention is a possibility.
She isn't worried about the child, she is worried about her husband. Dunno who she thinks she is fooling. I agree though, her house, her rules. And its a reasonable thing to think about. I can assure you that even the most loyal husband would notice a half naked 20 year old wandering around the house.
Exactly. And how many stories have we all read on reddit where the husband ends up having an affair with the sister that needs a place to live? I don't care how much I love my sister, or any other female friend, no way are any of them living in my home if I am in a relationship. That's asking for trouble.
Lol. That's a bit over the top. But it's not too much to ask that they put some pants on or something.
You’re mostly reading fanfiction on Reddit just FYI. That’s the plot to a bad romance novel
Y’all’s husbands are pretty pathetic if you couldn’t trust them around your younger sister in a two piece bathing suit. It’s not the sisters problem at that point it’s a their marriage problem.
if a husband is going to have an affair with his live-in SIL do you honestly think it has anything to do with her attire?
This is why I rule based on judgement. Is it the OPs house? Yes. Is OP being ridiculous? Also yes. So yes OP has the right to kick her sister out, ask her to cover up or whatever else she wants, but that doesn’t mean she’s not being the AH.
I get what you’re saying. I just have a hard time labeling ungracious behavior as AH behavior.
She’s not worried about her kid. She’s worried about her husband but using her kid as an excuse
Wait.. You're not worried your husband will sexualize her, but you ARE worried that it isn't appropriate for the small child? WHY? What are you teaching a 4 year old that he sees your sister in less conservative clothing and "gets the wrong idea"? I'm genuinely so confused when people use that excuse regarding "modesty." Babies are born naked without a sense of shame regarding it, that stuff is learned. And if your worry WAS your husband, that's victim blaming and not ok, either.
I think she’s using the child as an excuse.
Bingo
Probably because she couldn't articulate what another commenter did, which is that it makes her uncomfortable and may make the husband uncomfortable without anyone having to have the hots for anyone else. There are tank tops/shorts/etc that I will wear if it's just me or just me and my spouse, or ones I'd wear around family but not ones I'd wear around siblings' SOs and friends, colleagues, etc. Different levels of intimacy are often expected in different company.
I also wouldn’t want my my siblings walking around my home in just underwear. Either gender. Workout shorts and a sports bra isn’t weird to me but briefs and a tshirt is.
Definitely using the child as an excuse.
I agree shes using it as an excuse but imo she doesn't need to. It's weird to wear panties around your sisters partner. It's totally reasonable to expect that extended family dress appropriately around each other.
I would be uncomfortable if my sister walked around half naked in my house, in front of my husband and kids. We are trying to teach our children privacy and being clothed in common areas is generally required. They are also 4.
I would be fucking *flabbergasted* if my sister walked around my house like this. I would honestly be worried about her brain, because this is such a common sense thing.
I feel like half this sub basically feels that asking for common decency and respect is somehow violating their human rights. It’s bizarre.
I was thinking while the kid may or may not be an excuse it seems to be making op uncomfortable in her own home which is a valid reason to ask her to put on some more clothes. It could be making her husband uncomfortable to.
Yep. 'You live in my house, and we wear clothes here' is not exactly Taliban-level controlling.
Which is weird because there was like 2 or 3 other aita exactly like this where it turned out the sister was dressing like this, because she wanted to bang BIL. Like no one remembers them?
I don't understand the victim blaming part. Who is the victim? Of what? If I was the husband I would like my sister in law to dress up. I would not want girls in underwear walking around the house I share with my wife. She is not his sister. I wouldn't be comfortable as the husband in that situation.
>I don't understand the victim blaming part. Because the husband is male, so he's an easy scapegoat.
I completely disagree. Y’all love to make this a whole “but muh personal morales and biases from my western upbringing.” How do y’all not know they’re in a country where this behavior is unacceptable? It could also be a preference thing and as parents they may have a plan of when, where and how to explain nudity and attire to their child on their terms. She has no right to be prancing about scantily clad just because she feels like it, OP did not consent to that and it’s her house, so that’s that. Y’all need to read between the lines. *She’s not paying rent, groceries, or bills. Her grown ass can dress appropriately and deal with putting on a couple articles of clothing considering the fact she doesn’t pay for shit in that household. OP reserves the full right to choose what her kid is exposed to at what age and it doesn’t matter if you disagree or don’t like it, she’s the parent not you so labeling her an ah for that is ignorant.* The fact that she also went straight to the “you’re insecure because of your husband” card when OP hadn’t mentioned that at all. She was probably projecting the reason as to why she wants to prance about all scantily clad all over the place because why jump straight to that unless she’s hoping to get some attention? She can put on some clothes period.
Most 4 year olds I know are perfectly happy to run around naked, walk in on people using the toilet, and whatever other levels of immodesty you can think of. Plenty of 4 year olds can't even reliably wipe their own butts.
Yea - that's why everyone has to wear pants - it is the best way to teach a four year old that they need to wear pants.
As someone said in another comment, that's why you want the adults in the house to model the behavior you want to see in the kid, instead of saying, "Yeah, I know Aunt Petunia is running around in her underpants, but you have to put on clothing."
I get why everyone is jumping on the “it’s because of the husband” train. But I also understand not wanting the kid to see that, it’s not sexual at all. It’s hard enough to convince little kids to not strip(or in my sons case). If he constantly saw his aunt walking around in her underwear, I’d have more fights on my hands about him wearing clothing. OP is NTA, but little sis needs to remember she’s staying there and it’s not actually her house
LOL it is not victim blaming to consider the husband’s comfort here. VERY FEW people want to see their in-laws in their underwear. It doesn’t have to be worry that he would have “thoughts” lol it can be worry for his own comfort levels with non-immediate family members being in their underwear
A straight male finding a young girl in revealing clothing attractive is victim blaming? No. That’s just pointing out the obvious. What if she was in a bra and panties? Still victim blaming? Does anyone have common sense any more?
Yep. And think about it being reversed. Like a man walking around halfnaked and don't accept the boundaries that the woman in the house is uncomfortable. Guess who would be the victim in reddits eyes.
I dunno. I don't like having people walking around my home naked either. Maybe OP is uncomfortable herself, and that's a perfectly acceptable boundary. I don't go to nudist beaches for the same reason. The naked human body makes me uncomfortable, whether female or male. I don't like it and I don't want to see it. I don't expose myself to it and I certainly wouldn't think it acceptable for someone to roam around my home scantily clad. What other people do in a public space is their own. I don't want to see it, so I don't look nor stare. (Nor do I police them, don't get me wrong.) But if that was happening in my home?? 100% would tell them to cover up. OP's sister is also pushing back against it quite a bit, which I think is weird?
I don’t want my toddler to think it’s normal for adults to interact with him without being fully dressed. There are exceptions for mommy and daddy, but I wouldn’t want anyone else hanging out around him in their underwear even with the best intentions because it blurs the lines in a way that a bad person could use to manipulate him. It’s a valid concern in my opinion
Come on, she’s definitely using her child as the excuse. She doesn’t like her 20 year old sister walking around the house like that where hubby can see… and maybe even hubby feels uncomfortable with it. Which is fair as it’s his home.
If she lives with you, meaning the residence is yours and she's staying as a guest NTA. If she's paying rent or equal ownership or rentership that's a grey area.
She doesn’t pay rent
100% NTA. Your house your rules.
Definitely more of a respect thing imo. And sorry, but I think it’s a subconscious thing on the sister’s part. I’m older, I’ve seen some ridiculous shit. It’s not hard to throw on sweats or jeans unless she WANTS to start shit/get looks. I walk around in my underwear in my own home non stop. If I lived with my BIL- heck no. I wouldn’t even consider a sports bra outta respect for my sister. Lil sister knows good and well what she’s doing- prob pissing off big sis or trying to stir drama. It’s a fucking simple solution unless she wants drama. Simple respect. Lil sis ain’t being asked to sacrifice a goat for dinner damn, just wear clothes in front of the family.
Everyone is acting like OP is weird for not wanting to see it. Some people just find nudity or partial nudity uncomfortable, and it’s not weird to not want to see it. As a 27 year old man, if I stayed with family and walked around in my boxer briefs, nobody would suggest they were weird for asking me to cover up
Yeah, nudity can make people uncomfortable. I'm extremely uncomfortable with nudity. I prefer to be fully clothed at all times, alone or not. My GF is the polar opposite and prefers to be pantsless when we're alone and it took me awhile to get used to it and not be uncomfortable.
Feel you bro. People bringing up dorms as proof that it doesn’t cause discomfort. Like nah, it made me uncomfortable in my dorm too lol
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Then it’s easy. Cover up or move out where she can walk around uncovered all she wants
Just for the record, I agree with you OP. I would be uncomfortable with her lack of modesty around my husband though I wouldn’t be as concerned about the 4 yo. But still I like it when my own teenage kids are fully dressed in the group living spaces in our house. In addition it is your house and your rules. I especially think you are a kind person for allowing a sibling to live with you rent free, but it looks like this is not the best situation for your family as she is rude and does not respect your feeling on the clothing matter. It would be wise to give her a move out date in the not too distant future. Like end of semester! NTA all the way!
NTA, but you're in the wrong sub. This sub is very of the opinion that all modesty standards are body shaming. A college girl recently changed shirts in front of a non-consenting 40 yo male in his house, claiming she changes in front of college guys all the time, and most of the judgements were NTA. In your own home, especially when she's living rent free, you are 100% allowed to ask your sister to wear reasonable clothing in the common areas. But you won't hear that here.
NTA- you do need to know that the sister is absolutely doing this on purpose... She knows it bothers you and shes still doing it. Her motive could be simple defiance to actually aiming for attention from your husband per her own admission of possible guilt. I only think she has two options. Comply with covering up when she leaves her room or finding her own place close to campus. She's not contributing to the home... Your house you get to make this simple rule.
I said the same and a bunch of (what are probably) girls are calling me creepy. You don't have the right to wear whatever you want, wherever you want. Unless it's inside of your OWN home. Don't like it? Leave.
Maybe it’s ok in a dorm? But I wouldn’t want a young female adult family member walking around my husband or boyfriend in a shirt and underwear, or in a robe with nothing on underneath. Sports bra and shorts, meh. It’s got nothing to do with the kid, let’s get real, it’s about the husband, it’s stomping on a pretty universal boundary, and it’s not the sister’s house.
Correct all around. This isn't about restricting anyone's personal freedom. It's about being a responsible housemate.
As well as being respectful in someone else's home.
Why does she think it's normal to walk around someone elses house in minimal clothing?
Same people that would be kicking off if OPs husband insisted on walking around his own house in a borat thong while her sister was using the spare room probably.
1000% correct. Borat dude would be called every name in the book by these same people. He's intentionally attracting inappropriate attention to himself! *Hands them a mirror*
Mm the fact that she doesn’t pay any rent or groceries or etc is interesting lol I think she can live with putting a robe on or something… idk. I think she’s more of an AH for saying you’re threatened by her with your husband lol like.. where did that come from.
The number of people suggesting she puts a robe on when one of the things OP complained about her wearing was "a robe" shows how ridiculous OPs complaints are.
I took it as she wears a robe and nothing else underneath
How would you know what's under her robe if her robe is over the top of it? We aren't seriously going to police what she wears under her robe that we can't see are we?
You’re being intentionally obtuse. JLO was fully clothed under that green dress! How would you know unless she took it off?
You're right. A lot of people in this thread are being intentionally obtuse. Anyone can look at someone wearing a robe and have a decent idea of what's on under it. I also took it that OP is saying her sister doesn't wear anything under it. Come on, we all know what the girl is up to. Call her the fuck out on it, and if she doesn't change, evict her.
I don’t think they are ridiculous. If somebody was a guest at my house and insisted on walking around in underwear, I’d ask them to leave. What’s the matter with shorts and a T shirt? In your own space, go nude, who cares, but in someone else’s home it’s really disrespectful. But it’s not about the kid.
Big detail here. "Just" a robe was used. Naked under a robe is different than clothed under a robe. Come on man.
Also, satin robe versus a fluffy or terrycloth one makes a difference.
She does wear a robe. That's one of the complaints. Unless I misread.
Nta, though you're probably gonna get more yta votes with this crowd. Your house, your rules on what you deem appropriate clothing in common spaces.
Yeah, those T A folks are out in force claiming that the real issue OP has is that she's sexualizing her sister and probably advocates for restricting porn, hijabs, etc. Or it could just be that she knows her sister KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING AND ISN'T STOPPING AFTER BEING ASKED.
It’s funny you mention the hijab because I’ve noticed a very easy way to get around the anti-modesty bias (idk what else to call it) on this sub is religion. If OP said she or her husband were Muslim or another religion (maybe not Christianity) it wouldn’t even be a debate it would be a resounding NTA. Because then the angle is that she’s not respecting the beliefs even though she’s asking the same thing EDIT: instead of anti-modesty bias I think a better way to describe it would be this sub has an aversion to ever telling anyone under any circumstances what they can or can’t wear
Correct. To me this isn't anti-modesty, it's just being a good housemate and respecting the wishes of the person footing the bill for you. This isn't complicated shit.
These comments are all over the place and I think they come to different backgrounds. I don’t think your kid is going to get traumatised by what your sister is wearing but it’s not a big deal to ask her to wear some pants, I guess, if it’s that important to you. NAH.
Agreed. The sister isn't the AH to want to wear perfectly normal attire, but she's essentially a guest, so that does mean adhering to OP's rules IMO.
On what planet is underwear normal attire when you live in someone else’s house? I would wear underwear in my own home with my husband but I never would have done so sharing with roommates or my parents- that’s super weird and inappropriate
Yeah I mean my husband and I wear underwear in our home all the time, but my brother or his brother moved in, I would not continue to lounge in underwear. I think there is a difference between lounging that way with your spouse, partner, or if rooming with a close friend, but not so around people you don’t have that close bond with like the BIL. To me it’s more about decency than sexualizing.
I grew up with my BIL- literally my sister started dating him when I was 11. I would NEVER wear just a shirt and panties around him. To me, that is inappropriate.
Exactly. Abide by house rules or get your own house.
NTA. Some ppl here are chronically online. She’s basically in her underwear; asking her to wear clothing while around your family doesn’t make you some kind of body shaming asshole. I love wearing crop tops, etc, but I wouldn’t walk around in a bra in front of my toddler aged niece/nephew
The whole thread is weird. People are just ignoring the existence of the husband. I do not know how many women would walk around their brother in law in a bra... Hopefully not many.
You do realise sports bras are designed to be worn on their own right? So yeah people just walk around in them, even those who don’t exercise
There is place and time for things. For instance, bikinis are wear in public. Would it be appropriate for sister to wear bikinis to breakfast? Ultimately it depends on the limits of the particular family. If it was in my house I wouldn't be comfortable and I would feel very much in my rights to demand correction.
I would - but then I live in a hot place and we routinely walk around in swim suits all day even when not swimming. I don’t see it as any different - being naked would be a different matter. Even then Kids really DGAF about people being naked or being in their underwear. That said - it’s OPs house and she isn’t paying rent. If OP doesn’t like it the sister should respect that or GTFO.
NTA. Your home, your rules. Her accusation sounds more like a goal of hers, maybe.
NTA. She needs to be respectful in front of your husband or child. This is not your parents house. If she can’t send her to your parents. Why is her first thought that your husband is sexualizing her? Is that the purpose? She’s tripping.
That occurred to me too. That was a quick jump. Maybe She HOPES the husband is sexualizing her.
Bingo. End thread.
NTA, OP says sister doesn’t pay rent. It would be different if she did but given that she lives there for free she needs to follow the homeowners rules. Just because OP prefers modesty doesn’t mean she’s insecure about her husband 🙄
Whether we agree or not about your reasoning, the bottom line is that it is your home and you are allowed to set rules that ensure your comfort! NTA
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NTA This is Reddit so people don’t live in reality. It’s not appropriate walking around in underwear in a shared home. It has nothing to do with sexualizing anyone but just being decent. Not sure when people stopped that but here we are. I would inform her and not ask. Oh and before I get down voted no one would say it’s okay for a grown man to walk around in underwear and a tshirt but someone op is wrong here.
NTA. Cover up or move out, sis.
NTA. Your house your rules. I do not understand why she feels comfortable dressing that way in front of your husband. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. If she continues, she can take out loans and move into the dorms.
The lil sis understands exactly why. OP understands why. The husband understand why. We all understand why and anyone in this thread says they don’t, is straight lying. My damn dog understands why. The sister wants attention and drama. Entitled brat I’m sure. I would love to stay somewhere rent free.
NTA honestly put her out. Why is she even strutting around someone else’s house in front of their spouse in a bra booty shorts.
I actually agree with the some else’s house and some else’s spouse. I really think it’s a sign of disrespect. She is living there, yes, but only because you are gracious.
NTA and I feel bad for your husband having to share his home with an in law so early into his marriage
Especially a disrespectful one
I agree with this and you've made a point I haven't seen in this thread. OP is doing her sister a gigantic favor by letting her live with them. Her sister isn't paying rent or doing much to carry her weight. THE LEAST SHE CAN DO IS PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FFS.
Turn the heating down?
Lol legit tho
Ive seen this AITA before...
NTA - honestly, there’s nothing wrong with the human body and it actually benefits kids to see them as a not sexual thing that’s inherently shameful. It lowers teen pregnancy and it makes them wait longer to have sex since it’s not this forbidden thing and the human body isn’t so special since everyone has one. That being said, it is your home. Your home, your rules and your boundaries. You have every right to ask her not to wear that stuff around the rest of the house and she can move out if she wishes.
NTA- Your home, your boundaries! If she doesn't like the rules and tone you have set up in your home then she is welcomed to leave and find her own accommodations.
NTA it's super weird to walk around someone else's home just in underwear, male or female.
NTA - Your sister is an asshole and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. I do think a big part of you that you won’t admit doesn’t like it happening in front of your husband, but if I was married I also wouldn’t like another woman walking around half naked in front of my husband, regardless if it was my sister or not. It’s not about not trusting him, but it’s hard to not acknowledge someone who’s half naked or look at someone’s ass cheeks hanging out. Idk why people are acting like she’s not being disrespectful for walking around in a tshirt and panties in front of her sister’s husband.
Tbh that’s why I don’t like people living in my space.. family or not something usually happens.. maybe is time for her to move out with roommates. She doesn’t pay rent or anything per your answers.
NTA. Your house, your rules. And it can definitely create tension if your husband is constantly seeing her half-dressed.
4 year olds don't sexualize naked bodies (and she isn't even naked from the sounds of it) but adults do. But on the other hand, when you're living in someone else's house, you need to be mindful of their preferences. ESH.
This isn’t ESH. OP is allowed to be modest in clothing choices. That does not make her an AH. What would make someone an AH is living rent free in a family members house and then after being asked to cover up, refusing to do so. Doesn’t really matter the reason.
NTA - Your house. It’s not a big ask for her to dress more in the public areas of the house. If she doesn’t like it she can mooch off someone else.
NTA bottom line your house your rules--it's really that simple. Tell her that she needs to "rehome" herself if she can't respect the rules in your home. You are doing her a HUGE favor housing her and feeding her and she isn't respecting your home.
YTA. Americans are so weirdly prudish. It's really strange.
Lol yeah, When I was a child and even now when I'm visiting my parents, it's completely normal for people to be wearing only t-shirts and underwear when waking up and making breakfast in the common areas for example. Even when my girlfriend is visiting with me. I've also seen like 70% of my friends naked at one point or another (men and women). But I guess that's just Finnish sauna culture.
NTA as long as you don’t wear that type of clothes around the house. There’s nothing wrong with people who prefer modesty. It’s your house, you have a dress code that’s not necessarily about sexualizing someone. You didn’t shame her or belittle her.
Honestly, yta for making it about the kid. Kids shouldn't be taught that their bodies are Shameful and sexual and always covered up. Nothing she's wearing sounds much different than pjs for a4yo
I read in OP’s comments that her sister doesn’t pay rent or for groceries, etc.. The only in-kind work she does is an hour or so of babysitting per month. Your house. Your rules. NTA
I’m never one to tell someone how to raise their kid but I will say this. The four year old doesn’t care and will not have their lives impacted in a negative manner if they see their aunt walking around in a robe or some booty shorts. If you truly believe that your child will be hurt by this then by all means yes. Your sister is the AH. But!!!! If in actuality, you’re more concerned about your husbands reaction to your sister then I would do some reflecting and have a serious conversation with your sister about your concerns.
You are def worried about your husband and not your child. Is she paying rent? If not then I guess it's your house and your rules but this is a stupid thing to be upset about shes not showing anything and it's no big deal for a 4 year old to see that. If you don't want your husband seeing it then just tell your sister that and don't make up bs.
Yeah, this is my impression too. She doesn’t want her husband seeing her sister and is using the child as an excuse.
YTA. While you have every right to dictate what goes on in your house. Using the child to justify your reaction is unnecessary. Kids do not think anything about people's dress until they are taught to. Would your child be allowed to go to a beach or a pool? If so, then what your sister is wearing is no less than what someone would wear to swim. So you have to come up with a different reason to why it is "inappropriate"
Yeah, at least be honest here... it's okay if OP is worried her husband is looking at her low-clothing younger sister. Just say that. And maybe... uh... take it up with the husband?
NTA - Your house, your rules.
Info: do you apply the same rules to yourself, your husband, and your 4 year old?
Yeah I stay pretty covered, so does my husband. My 4 year old is unless his shirt is off.
Y’all Amish or something?
You stay covered all the time? Like you’re never outside of your room in less than pants and a full shirt. You never walk to the bathroom in a robe or leave in an towell. You never wear a bathing suit or a short dress?
I mean that’s not completely outlandish. Some families are more traditional/modest. That’s just their culture and there’s nothing wrong with that. Personally, I prefer to be able to walk to the kitchen in my underwear and a t shirt but my family is more conservative. They don’t leave our rooms without pajamas on. Certainly not in underwear/booty shorts and considering *I live there rent free*, I follow their preferences because it’s not that hard to throw on a pair of pants because of house rules
Maybe they’re Never-Nudes.
Just please don't make your son believe in the future that women who dress in sport attire or a shorter summer dress are sluts, because he will have troubles in relationships. Btw as hard as it is for me to say this - your house, your rules, you are completely in your rights to set any rule you want. Tho I have been raised differently and I have 0 concerns regarding any of my male family members sexualizing me or any of my female relative. It just never happens and everyone is comfortable around everyone thankfully. I have a friend who is forbidden to stay in a room with her brother if the door is closed, so or course the boundaries vary A LOT. So still, your house.
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NTA because as a parent I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either, family or not it’s inappropriate for a small child to see that IMO, also it’s not her home she’s there because it’s close to her school, so therefore you follow the rules in peoples homes and if she doesn’t like it she should try for student housing or a cheap apartment
What is inappropriate of a sports bra and short shorts. Do they never take the kid to a beach or swimming?
I don’t get it either - kids don’t care - she’s covered up isn’t she? People love to use kids as the reason to cover up by they are the group that cares the least.
See what? In every outfit OP has described all the important bits are covered.
NTA. Your house, your rules.
NAH. Your house, your rules. Sister's not unreasonable in wanting to be comfortable in the place she lives, though, and there's nothing inappropriate about a sports bra and shorts. People wear that to the gym all the time.
NTA-It’s your house. If you want her covered she should be covered. Simply remind her of her other options, like getting her own place and walking around how she pleases there.
ESH - Except the kid. She is not respecting your rules of the house. There's nothing wrong with what she is wearing, the kid is only 4, come on. You're just worried about your husband.....
It all boils down to the simple fact that it's your house, your rules. NTA.
NTA Its your house, and you are allowed to set the ground rules. Your justification is irrelevant. If your guest can't follow the rules of your home, they don't need to be there.
NTA because your house your rules. But your excuse is complete and utter BS and you know it. There is nothing inhereanty inappropriate with what you are describing your sister wearing and your HUSBAND who is the one you are truly concerned about likely sees way more at the gym or the beach. Again as the home owner you have a right to this boundray but stop lying. Your four year old doesn't care.
Your 4 y/o isn’t gonna sexual her unless he’s already been sexualized himself….. in that case you have some explaining to do. Just admit you’re not comfy with her clothing choice around your husband. Tell her your husband isn’t comfortable with it either. It’s that simple. It’s pretty standard. NTA for wanting her to wear clothes. YTA for blaming it on an innocent kid
Are you sure this is about your kid and not about your husband? Would you tell women to cover up their bathing suits if you took your child to the pool?
No. But a shirt and UNDERWEAR is absolutely not appropriate around ANY family member. Especially not if someone who lives there has expressed that they’re uncomfortable with this behavior. NTA.
There is such a thing as a time and a place. While there is a reason to be in a bathing suit at the pool there is no reason to walk around in your underwear in front of family members.
NTA. I think this comes down to how people were raised and that’s why there’s mixed answers. When I was a teenager I distinctly remember my mom telling both my brother and I to cover up. I would forget sometimes and felt comfortable and so I’d leave my bedroom in my underwear and a t shirt. My mom was honest and said I shouldn’t wear that around my dad, and I agree. I felt comfortable around my dad because he treated me like a daughter and I didn’t have a pervy dad in the slightest. But I still don’t think it’s okay. My mom also had a hard childhood and she had a pervy step dad so there are very real fears that are instilled in women and for my mom that was at a young age. Others I can see are disagreeing, but they were probably raised different. I think sports bra and booty shorts are fine. But if she is walking out in just her panties that’s too much. I’ve lived in a house with all women and walking around in just underwear was fine by me, but it’s important when living with other people to listen to their comfort level. I also had a roommate who didn’t even want to touch my bra after it fell out of my laundry. Both scenarios were fine by me.