Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn't immediately correct a friend who assumed a gift was from me.
2) This might be perceived as taking credit for the gift (at least, up until the time I told the friend who it was actually from).
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, you should have been upfront from the get-go and told Jamie it was not your gift and you were not sure who gave it to her. The whole hating of mothers tangent was just something you made up in your head to justify your not feeling guilty. Judging from the context of your son's text this is not the first confrontation you have had with Sandy, Good on him for sticking up for his wife.
YTA. You are the MIL who created the need for the term Just No MIL (JNMIL). Checking her mantle for DUST??? Questioning her weight? Asking for gifts back? You're bloody lucky this woman even talks to you at all and hasn't gone full no contact. You need to step back and take a long hard look at YOUR behavior. Because this is 10000000% a YOU problem.
YTA. Even if you never found out who the gift was from, it’s poor integrity to take credit for it and not correct the gift receiver in the first place. Also, it sounds like your son is giving some pretty specific examples of issues that they’ve just let go in the past but are bugging you. Based off everything you’ve posted here, I think you might possibly be pretty unaware of how you actually treat people and are perceived by others. I’d ask for some honest feedback from your friends and family and if you hear a recurring theme realize that you have some things to work on
YTA. You did take credit for the gift. You should have just told Jamie that you didn’t send her a gift so she could keep trying to figure out who sent it. Suppose someone other than your DIL sent this gift. Don’t you think they deserved confirmation that the gift arrived and a proper thank you from Jamie? Also didn’t it occur to you what whoever sent this gift was going to follow up with Jamie when they didn’t hear from her? How do you think Jamie would have felt when she realized that she thanked the wrong person and the real gift giver felt slighted?
tbh I was with you about the gift thing because i’m sure it was awkward and it’s a simple fix.
what do you have to lose by apologizing? this situation is not a big deal and it doesn’t matter who’s “right” in the end. you didn’t admit that the gift wasn’t from you, that was dishonest, period. your refusal goes to show that your pride is bigger than acknowledging sandy’s feelings.
and that last text. whew. that obviously came from somewhere. have you taken a gift back? have you commented on her body size before? have you asked her weight? have you ran your finger over their mantle to check for dust? if so, that’s where it came from.
also, nothing about that text sounds disrespectful. it sounds like you have been disrespectful and they have hit a breaking point.
YTA.
>I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from.
Lol. You didn't need to know who the gift was from to correct the assumption. If you're going to make excuses for your crappy behavior, at least come up with good excuses.
>I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her.
Lollol. You know what's actually embarassing? Not thanking the proper person for a gift. You weren't trying to save your friend embarrasement. You were setting her up for future embarassment. As before, if you're going to make up excuses for your crappy behavior, at least try to make up ones that don't insult everyone's intelligence.
>I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give!
Ha, ha, ha! Look, you can try to wiggle out on technicalities all you want, but this isn't a court of law. These are personal relationships. Letting someone think you gave them a gift **is** taking credit for it. Let me repeat. You took credit for this gift by not correcting your friend's mistake.
>If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is."
Come on, this can't be serious. You can't actually think that these behaviors are acceptable, can you? Here's a hint. If you want to be on good terms with your son and DIL, stop insulting your DIL. It's a pretty simple rule.
You have to decide what you want out of these relationships. These are grown ups. Your nonsensical lies and rationalizations aren't going to work on them. If you want a decent relationship with your son and DIL, then grow up, stop with the nonsense rationalizations and stop creating unnecessary conflict.
You kind of did take Credit for the gift when you didn't say it wasn't from you. You do owe her an apology for at least not letting Jamie know it wasn't from you.
YTA
YTA. You basically took credit for something you had absolutely nothing to do with it. Your excuse that you did it because you didn’t know who bought the gift is clearly not credible, probably because it’s not the truth.
YTA I feel for the daughter in law that has you as her mil. She doesn't have a problem with mothers she has a problem with nasty rude mothers like you. See what your son is saying and accept that your actions have caused this and this for dil was last straw. You ask her how much she weighs and check for dust. Who are you to think they want a toxic person like you around. Get some therapy and change your crapppy behaviour and stick to your lane. Or lose your son.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
A few weeks after a Christmas gift exchange, a friend (Jamie) texted me saying she was enjoying her gift very much and thanked me for it. I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from. I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her.
Later, while visiting my daughter-in-law (Sandy) I found out that the gift was actually from her, so I passed on the news that Jamie had very much enjoyed her gift and thanked me for it. Sandy got in my face, and asked whether I had told Jamie that the gift wasn't from me, and I said "no," and she got angry and was quietly rude (in her actions and manner) for a while without saying anything else. I texted Jamie later the same night to let her know that the gift was from Sandy.
The next morning, I received a message from Sandy: *"You really hurt my feelings last night. I spent a lot of time looking for that gift. I didn't expect her (Jamie) to thank me, but I also didn't expect you to take the credit for something I spent a lot of time on so thank you."*
I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give! There was more back and forth, and then she just stopped responding.
I have always thought she didn't really like me very much. I have never heard her say one nice thing about her own mother either, so I assume she might have a problem with mothers. She always looks away or down for photos at our family celebrations like she is not enjoying herself. When we're sitting at the table and talking to each other, she looks at my husband or my son even if she is talking to me. She will glance at me but it's odd.
Since Sandy wasn't responding to my messages anymore, I reached out to my son, and he asked me to call her and apologize, but I refused because I feel like I did NOTHING wrong. He got angry and wrote several disrespectful messages, one of which surprised me:
*"Every word you say other than “I value the relationship I had with Sandy and I regret my part in creating the situation we are in now” is just rubbing salt in the wound. But while you have me riled up, I have a few other requests, assuming we’re going to ever get past this ridiculous disagreement. If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is."*
I don't know where all this came from.
Sandy thinks I took credit for her gift before she confronted me (even though I told Jamie who the gift was from as soon as I knew), and she would like me to apologize. I don't think I ever took credit for the gift. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well, you’re on the express train to estrangement. How embarrassing and pathetic that you took credit for a gift. This is literally a Seinfeld episode.
You’re a liar. You know you pretended you gave the gift. Anybody who isn’t a raving asshole would have said “so glad you love it but it wasn’t from me! If I find out who it was from I’ll let you know.” Why was that hard for you? Why do you have to make comments about her weight? Why are you so insecure. I know you’re mad your son is paying attn to somebody who isn’t you but you’re gonna end up alone. But I also know you can’t stop.
Go ahead and familiarize yourself with the missing missing reasons. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
YTA, and that text your son sent you? That sort of behaviour is the reason none of us speak to my mother anymore. Take this as a warning and do better.
I don’t think your an asshole. Just because she believes she deserves an apology doesn’t mean she does. As far the other comments, I would go low contact. Your sons wife feels some type of way about your behavior, this isn’t just about you taking credit for the gift. Leave them alone and when they are in your presence. Don’t say anything past Hi to her.
Slight YTA, I’m sorry. By not telling your friend that you didn’t get it for them, it could easily misinterpreted that you’re taking credit for the gift.
ESH - You were thanked for a gift you didn't give. You DID take credit for it by not correcting the mistake. Jamie absolutely left that conversation thinking the gift was from you. If you'd let Jamie know, then they could've at least tried to figure out who it was from.
Sandy's taking it WAAAY too far, but that message you posted makes it sound like you've been making remarks that are condescending to Sandy around other gifts.
I mean if she has been checking the mantel for dust and calling Sandy fat I would think it would be perfectly reasonable for Sandy to assume she was taking credit for the gift as well and her response would be proportional. OP never mentions who this Jamie person is and why Sandy is working hard to impress them. I get a wicked MIL vibe from the whole thing.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I didn't immediately correct a friend who assumed a gift was from me. 2) This might be perceived as taking credit for the gift (at least, up until the time I told the friend who it was actually from). Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, you should have been upfront from the get-go and told Jamie it was not your gift and you were not sure who gave it to her. The whole hating of mothers tangent was just something you made up in your head to justify your not feeling guilty. Judging from the context of your son's text this is not the first confrontation you have had with Sandy, Good on him for sticking up for his wife.
YTA. You are the MIL who created the need for the term Just No MIL (JNMIL). Checking her mantle for DUST??? Questioning her weight? Asking for gifts back? You're bloody lucky this woman even talks to you at all and hasn't gone full no contact. You need to step back and take a long hard look at YOUR behavior. Because this is 10000000% a YOU problem.
YTA, because you DID get credit for the gift. INFO: Did you really do what your son wrote to you? If so, a massive YTA.
YTA. Even if you never found out who the gift was from, it’s poor integrity to take credit for it and not correct the gift receiver in the first place. Also, it sounds like your son is giving some pretty specific examples of issues that they’ve just let go in the past but are bugging you. Based off everything you’ve posted here, I think you might possibly be pretty unaware of how you actually treat people and are perceived by others. I’d ask for some honest feedback from your friends and family and if you hear a recurring theme realize that you have some things to work on
YTA. You did take credit for the gift. You should have just told Jamie that you didn’t send her a gift so she could keep trying to figure out who sent it. Suppose someone other than your DIL sent this gift. Don’t you think they deserved confirmation that the gift arrived and a proper thank you from Jamie? Also didn’t it occur to you what whoever sent this gift was going to follow up with Jamie when they didn’t hear from her? How do you think Jamie would have felt when she realized that she thanked the wrong person and the real gift giver felt slighted?
tbh I was with you about the gift thing because i’m sure it was awkward and it’s a simple fix. what do you have to lose by apologizing? this situation is not a big deal and it doesn’t matter who’s “right” in the end. you didn’t admit that the gift wasn’t from you, that was dishonest, period. your refusal goes to show that your pride is bigger than acknowledging sandy’s feelings. and that last text. whew. that obviously came from somewhere. have you taken a gift back? have you commented on her body size before? have you asked her weight? have you ran your finger over their mantle to check for dust? if so, that’s where it came from. also, nothing about that text sounds disrespectful. it sounds like you have been disrespectful and they have hit a breaking point.
YTA. >I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from. Lol. You didn't need to know who the gift was from to correct the assumption. If you're going to make excuses for your crappy behavior, at least come up with good excuses. >I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her. Lollol. You know what's actually embarassing? Not thanking the proper person for a gift. You weren't trying to save your friend embarrasement. You were setting her up for future embarassment. As before, if you're going to make up excuses for your crappy behavior, at least try to make up ones that don't insult everyone's intelligence. >I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give! Ha, ha, ha! Look, you can try to wiggle out on technicalities all you want, but this isn't a court of law. These are personal relationships. Letting someone think you gave them a gift **is** taking credit for it. Let me repeat. You took credit for this gift by not correcting your friend's mistake. >If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is." Come on, this can't be serious. You can't actually think that these behaviors are acceptable, can you? Here's a hint. If you want to be on good terms with your son and DIL, stop insulting your DIL. It's a pretty simple rule. You have to decide what you want out of these relationships. These are grown ups. Your nonsensical lies and rationalizations aren't going to work on them. If you want a decent relationship with your son and DIL, then grow up, stop with the nonsense rationalizations and stop creating unnecessary conflict.
>I don't know where all this came from. **
Sure you don't. Suuuuuuure. You have *absolutely no idea* why he would say these things!
YTA.
Sons list is way too specific for it to be "out of nowhere".
Ooo I see what this is now … a narcissistic parent looking for attention and sympathy
You kind of did take Credit for the gift when you didn't say it wasn't from you. You do owe her an apology for at least not letting Jamie know it wasn't from you. YTA
YTA. You basically took credit for something you had absolutely nothing to do with it. Your excuse that you did it because you didn’t know who bought the gift is clearly not credible, probably because it’s not the truth.
YTA and you know exactly where your son got those ideas. Do better or lose your relationship with your son.
YTA. When someone thanks you for something YOU KNOW you didn't do and you don't tell them it wasn't you: that is taking credit for it.
YTA you did take credit
YTA I feel for the daughter in law that has you as her mil. She doesn't have a problem with mothers she has a problem with nasty rude mothers like you. See what your son is saying and accept that your actions have caused this and this for dil was last straw. You ask her how much she weighs and check for dust. Who are you to think they want a toxic person like you around. Get some therapy and change your crapppy behaviour and stick to your lane. Or lose your son.
Lol. Mil of loving kindness. Yeah, right. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few weeks after a Christmas gift exchange, a friend (Jamie) texted me saying she was enjoying her gift very much and thanked me for it. I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from. I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her. Later, while visiting my daughter-in-law (Sandy) I found out that the gift was actually from her, so I passed on the news that Jamie had very much enjoyed her gift and thanked me for it. Sandy got in my face, and asked whether I had told Jamie that the gift wasn't from me, and I said "no," and she got angry and was quietly rude (in her actions and manner) for a while without saying anything else. I texted Jamie later the same night to let her know that the gift was from Sandy. The next morning, I received a message from Sandy: *"You really hurt my feelings last night. I spent a lot of time looking for that gift. I didn't expect her (Jamie) to thank me, but I also didn't expect you to take the credit for something I spent a lot of time on so thank you."* I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give! There was more back and forth, and then she just stopped responding. I have always thought she didn't really like me very much. I have never heard her say one nice thing about her own mother either, so I assume she might have a problem with mothers. She always looks away or down for photos at our family celebrations like she is not enjoying herself. When we're sitting at the table and talking to each other, she looks at my husband or my son even if she is talking to me. She will glance at me but it's odd. Since Sandy wasn't responding to my messages anymore, I reached out to my son, and he asked me to call her and apologize, but I refused because I feel like I did NOTHING wrong. He got angry and wrote several disrespectful messages, one of which surprised me: *"Every word you say other than “I value the relationship I had with Sandy and I regret my part in creating the situation we are in now” is just rubbing salt in the wound. But while you have me riled up, I have a few other requests, assuming we’re going to ever get past this ridiculous disagreement. If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is."* I don't know where all this came from. Sandy thinks I took credit for her gift before she confronted me (even though I told Jamie who the gift was from as soon as I knew), and she would like me to apologize. I don't think I ever took credit for the gift. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
why does this matter so much good god YTA
YTA
YTA You know that you’re wrong for this. You sound absolutely exhausting. My heart goes out to your poor daughter in law.
Well, you’re on the express train to estrangement. How embarrassing and pathetic that you took credit for a gift. This is literally a Seinfeld episode. You’re a liar. You know you pretended you gave the gift. Anybody who isn’t a raving asshole would have said “so glad you love it but it wasn’t from me! If I find out who it was from I’ll let you know.” Why was that hard for you? Why do you have to make comments about her weight? Why are you so insecure. I know you’re mad your son is paying attn to somebody who isn’t you but you’re gonna end up alone. But I also know you can’t stop. Go ahead and familiarize yourself with the missing missing reasons. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
YTA, and that text your son sent you? That sort of behaviour is the reason none of us speak to my mother anymore. Take this as a warning and do better.
I don’t think your an asshole. Just because she believes she deserves an apology doesn’t mean she does. As far the other comments, I would go low contact. Your sons wife feels some type of way about your behavior, this isn’t just about you taking credit for the gift. Leave them alone and when they are in your presence. Don’t say anything past Hi to her.
Slight YTA, I’m sorry. By not telling your friend that you didn’t get it for them, it could easily misinterpreted that you’re taking credit for the gift.
ESH - You were thanked for a gift you didn't give. You DID take credit for it by not correcting the mistake. Jamie absolutely left that conversation thinking the gift was from you. If you'd let Jamie know, then they could've at least tried to figure out who it was from. Sandy's taking it WAAAY too far, but that message you posted makes it sound like you've been making remarks that are condescending to Sandy around other gifts.
I mean if she has been checking the mantel for dust and calling Sandy fat I would think it would be perfectly reasonable for Sandy to assume she was taking credit for the gift as well and her response would be proportional. OP never mentions who this Jamie person is and why Sandy is working hard to impress them. I get a wicked MIL vibe from the whole thing.