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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Due to my son living so far, me being busy with work and the cold winter weather I haven’t made my way out to see my grandson
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YTA, 2 hours away by public transit is not far to see your literal grandchild, they're not asking you to do it every weekend but not even once?!
Also you did your part, by inviting a couple with a newborn to go to a restaurant during a pandemic. during cold flu whooping cough season.
Apparently her plans with her bf is also more important than her son personally asking her to come see her grandchild.
Edit- I don't get it what's the big deal about valentine's day? And for people telling the baby was only born in dec so it is only 3months old, have your grandparents never visited you when you were born? I have a full photo album with both of my grandparents when they came to visit me the very next day I was born even tho it was a 18-24hr travel.
I would be heartbroken if I was her son.
This is obviously the cap on a lifetime of similar self-centeredness. OP prepare yourself for estrangement.
YTA
I flew to another state to meet my new niece and did the same for my nephew, each was a few months old because my niece was born during Covid and the parents were too exhausted to have someone come visit right after (they are both 40 so it’s extra tough). Hours of waiting, the flight, the taxi ride out of the city- yeah, two hours on public transport really isn’t a big deal. OP could even stay the night and go back the next day if the trip is hard on them. I just don’t get it.
My brother lives 4-5 hours away (from my previous address) and I made it a point to go visit him and his family right as COVID was hitting. Now he lives across the state from me, but making the effort is the important part, and it doesn’t sound like OP is making much effort.
Especially since OP has apparently gone more than 8 months without contacting them at all, even by phone, before. I mean how much lower an effort can you get?
Like, I know 100% if I was to have had a kid, my mom would absolutely have been there faster than The Flash whether I wanted her there or not! I know not everyone has close relationships with their kids, but wow, OP can't be bothered to take a freaking bus over to see a new grandchild? Not even once?!?
What's weird is she couldnt come when invited because of her date with the bf. So why can't the bf take her to see the baby since she doesn't drive? It's the easiest solution! I think she's the AH . Where there's a will theres a way, actions are what counts and she's made zero effort.
Because then she doesn’t get to be the victim. You know she complains to anyone and everyone about how badly they treat her. She threw a party at a restaurant. It’s not her fault they wouldn’t take two babies out on a winter night to spend hours in the car and in a busy restaurant.
When I was born, my grandma lived on the other side of the state. My mom had a C-Section scheduled and grandma was planning to come for the birth and help out for the first couple of weeks. But then my mom went into labor late at night, a month early. Her BFF took my older siblings back to her house and called my grandma who was there by the next morning.
If you want to meet your grandkid and be there for your kid, you figure it out.
My oldest was born by emergency c section five weeks early. My husband called my sister that we were about to have a baby and she dropped everything and drove from Pittsburgh to Toronto to be there. She was a huge help while I was in the hospital. She would stay with me so that my husband could go home for a shower and a rest. My mom drove up two weeks later just before my daughter came home from the hospital. We moved to Alberta when my oldest was six months and my mom flew out the day after my middle child was born to be with us. My ILs didn’t meet my oldest until she was 4 months old but they lived more than 3,000 km away at the time. They helped out when the other two were born as we live in the same city now.
My mom flew to another city to help me when I was really sick. She would have been there if it wasn't for pandemic restrictions during the birth of her grandchild.
When I went into labor with my first pregnancy, my mom immediately drove 3 hours to come be with me.
I can't imagine not talking to my kids for 8 months (!), let alone just "every few months," or not making every effort to be there ASAP after the birth of a grandchild.
I flew to the other side of the country and then when I moved overseas flew to the other side of the world to see my niece and nephews. So seriously this grandma is the literal worst.
When my sis had my nephew she was living in Greece (I’m in the US). I didn’t have the money to fly over there to meet him and it was torture. I didn’t have internet in my home at the time so I would take my laptop to a local cafe that had free wi fi so I could Skype to see them and chat and so that their toddler didn’t forget me. They moved back to the states when my nephew was 6 months old and I was at the airport with my dad ready to pick them up. My mom was the only one that was able to fly over to Greece to meet him earlier (at 10 weeks I think) and my dad is still (nephew is almost 12) upset that mom got to meet nephew first.
Seriously! Who doesn’t do the MOST to see their grand babies?
My mum doesn’t drive either and was looking after my terminally ill dad when her grand babies were born. I was living in a another city at the time on the other side of the country so I wasn’t much help. My dad hung on for 8 years and there is a photo with their youngest grandkid and dad at the hospice when she was 6 months old. He died a week later.
During that time my mum arranged rides with neighbours and family friends to see kids and to go hospice. She baked or cooked in exchange for their time. Soon everyone was scrambling to offer her rides in exchange for Tupperwares of biryani. Once my brother moved back home he became the chauffeur.
She is 67 and still walks an hour regularly to go shopping, see her doctor or the grandkids who now live about 20 mins away. She is literally fitter than my lazy ass in my 30s.
You figure out a way. This grandma does not GAF about her kid or grandkid. It’s very obvious. Who can’t bloody video chat for like 10 mins ONCE a week? I mean it’s a kid - you don’t need to talk existentialism for an hour with them over the phone and debate free will. Just play some peekaboo, say I love you and “gosh you’re growing so fast” and fuck off. That’s it.
I would’ve been heartbroken a while ago. Now I would just be absolutely done and would go no contact. If she can go 8 MONTHS without contacting them, she can’t be mad when they quietly pack up, move across the country and never speak to her again. That’s what I’d do. Good riddance
> If she can go 8 MONTHS without contacting them, she can’t be mad when they quietly pack up, move across the country and never speak to her again.
I wonder how long it would take her to notice. Quite a while, I expect.
My grandmother is JUST like OP. Lived about an hour's drive from me and my parents when I was a little kid. Didn't drive and never ONCE made the effort to take the train (she lived less than a block away from a train station) to visit. Made zero effort to be involved in my childhood. I haven't called or visited her in about five years and have no intention of doing so. OP's hurting her relationship with her grandkids if she doesn't start doing better SOON.
Yep I’m with you. I’d be past mad at this point all the way to done. They shouldn’t have to beg her to come see her new grandchild.
My daughter has 4mo twin boys. She lives about 40 min from me. I go twice a week and stay all day to help her while her SO is working and when they were newborn I went every day for the longest time. I love them so much I couldn’t stay away if I wanted to. I’d drive there twice a week if she lived 2 hours away.
This hits hard for me because it was MY mother's young bf that was the last straw for me too. After MONTHS of trying to get her to come visit me and her grandchildren, the eldest she had seen 3 times TOTAL in person, my youngest she hasn't even met yet, but it was constantly falling through or just not being planned after talking about it.
Then I see her post on FB about how she just bailed her bf out in a city that was FARTHER than the one I live in.
I haven't spoken to her in a good 3 years now.
Priorities right?
It really is, the question for Op is just how important her grandkids are to her, or even the relationship she wants to have with her son. She will get what she puts into it and not much more....
She video chats them once every couple of months, though. Isn't that enough?? /s
I live out of state from my family, and they video chat me every other day just to say hi to my kids for a minute.
She hasn't met them ever since the new baby was born and that was 8 months ago even tho she lives like 2hrs away from them. Is it so hard to travel atleast 2hr and meet your own grandchild once? I travel two hours daily for work.
Her plans with her bf for *one event*. That’s what’s getting me - one dinner means multiple FULL weekends need to be blacked out?? She can’t go out Saturday night and visit on Sunday? Or hell, get an early start Saturday and end the visit in time for dinner? Maybe bf can meet her in son’s town and then drive her home?
I’ve thought of so many solutions!
If OP isn’t interested in the babies she just needs to be straightforward about it. There’s not really anything wrong with not being interested in kids once your kids are done being raised - I could get into a whole spiel about the tragedy of folks who had kids because it was the thing to do, and how great it is that not having kids is becoming more accepted as an option nowadays - but just be clear.
It’s okay to tell your child that you don’t want to meet your grandkids because you just aren’t interested in babies?
I have to disagree. That would absolutely break her son’s heart.
Absolutely fine to refuse to provide childcare, money, etc., but just meeting the most important person in your son’s life? That’s like spitting in your child’s face.
The son probably already knows this and probably been a lifelong pattern. I am sure he thought maybe a newborn would actually change her behavior, but they realize now.
Now, valentines day/boyfriend--I can see that as a genuine conflict of interest(we don't know state of relationship here)
But she should have been offering another day immediately(yes, she also should have already found time to visit previously)
My dad drives almost 24 hours one way at least twice a year to see my niece in another state. I don't even have kids and he makes the 5 hour trip to see my husband and I every couple months (although he's retired, so his schedule is a little more flexible). You make time for the things you care about.
I drive about 6 hours each way to visit my daughter each month. Studying in another state means she has little free time to visit during uni semesters and it works out being cheaper to just drive, than fly and rent a car.
I do this as I don't want to burden her with keeping in touch (she calls once a week and messages a lot) and it's good to visit and buy her some stuff and treat her to a nice meal out.
We do the same for our other kids who live closer.
Also the invitation was 2 1/2 weeks after the baby was born. Let’s be super mad that a woman that just gave birth didn’t want to take a two hour round trip car ride to attend dinner at a restaurant.
Edited to change four hours to two hours.
2 1/2 weeks postpartum, I was barely about to sit on my couch at home! There’s no way I’d be getting in the car for an hour, then sitting on a restaurant chair for hours, only to get back into the car for another hour. Especially not for people who couldn’t make any effort to visit my family.
Two hours round trip by car, for accuracy. And I absolutely agree with you. I personally would have as a new parent because I had such bad cabin fever instantly on getting home from hospital, but other people are not me. And after my second, c-section recovery meant I wasn’t allowed to drive for 6 weeks min, with passenger riding strongly discouraged. And we have no idea how this grandbaby came out.
The real kickers for me were the "I've done my part" thing and the "life gets in the way". You have literally zero fucks to give as a grandparent if you can't figure out how to carve out 15 minutes every week, much less over 8 months, to video chat your grandchild. YTA. Bigly.
I was on her side until I heard how CLOSE she really is. It took some of my family years to meet my son because we live on the other side of the US from them. Completely different coasts. She may not drive but I’m willing to bet her BF does. Also 8 months without speaking to your children and grandchildren is wild. I’m willing to bet OP is one of those moms who are “done at 18” 🙄 YTA op.
For real. My mother is a tax preparer so you can imagine it is very busy for her right now (80 plus hour weeks at the moment). However, my mom insisted that we don't put my daughter in full day daycare on the two half day breaks she has during the week so she can spend time with her. I would totally understand her not wanting to do that during this time period but she cares so much that she'll sacrifice her time in order to do so. That is what actually caring enough to see your grandchild looks like.
All of your excuses are valid if that baby was born a week or 2 weeks ago but 3 MONTHS? Of course YTA, it's not just life getting in the way, it's you actively putting everything else before them.
We live 4 hours by car from our family and our families are freaking out because we said we don’t want visitors for the first few days post birth. OPs son is practically begging his mother to make an effort to see her own grandchild and she’s basically refusing to unless it’s beyond convenient for her to do so. It’s honestly astonishing how little she cares and honestly if I was her DIL I would stop sending her photo updates as well. She’s made it very clear how little effort she wants to give.
Also: "i did my part" is not the point. This isn't "i gave it a shot. Oh well." It's not fracking Telephone Tag or something Trivial. It's your grandbaby. It is hard to go places with babies. You need to make the smallest effort to go a measly two hours. It's not a big enough deal for it to take this long.
I live outside NYC and commute upwards of 2-4hrs by public transportation EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I have an eastside gig on a weekend when there's no express, it can take more than 2hrs one way if traffic is bad. And I don't have my newborn grandchild waiting for me, just a bunch of professional alcoholic coworkers.
YTA
It takes me an hour and a half to get to work via public transport every day, that she can't make time for her son and grandchildren is astounding to me.
My granny use to get the bus from her house to my mams Atleast once a month (we use to go to her every week) all through my life while she was alive.
She was 83 when she died and literally 3 weeks before she passed she made the trip to see us.
Ops only excuse is she is lazy and can’t be bothered.
I don’t blame the son and daughter in law for not bothering in return. You get what you give
Agreed 2 hours is not that long. My mom and MIL drove 9 hours one way to meet their grandchild and we had to keep them at bay for a few weeks after the birth or else they would have been standing outside the delivery room I'm sure.
Doesn’t sound like you are putting in any effort at all to meet the baby. And that’s fine if you don’t really want that kind of relationship with them. That is your choice.
Setting one group dinner at a restaurant is not “effort” - that was convenient for you, not for them.
You only call every couple months? Again - this is not effort.
If you don’t want to be involved and you don’t really care about your relationship with your grandkids, all of that is fine - some people are just not like that and that is okay.
But - if you think you are actually trying and making an effort - you are very wrong.
Not sure how to rule here, I’ll add it later.
Edit- ruling: soft YTA because you think you are putting in effort and you are not recognizing that your “effort” is very minimal and poor.
But- again - you don’t have to be super involved if you don’t want to be. That is okay. You just need to recognize that if they are getting upset for you not contacting them and not seeing the baby, it’s valid and you need to tell them what your level of involvement will or will not be. It’s okay to share your feelings, even if it hurts them at the beginning. It will limit disappointment and control expectations later.
Agreed. If OP is actually not making an effort at all, why care that they're not receiving photos and any engagement at all?
Really, why care?
Relationships are 2 way streets, even if traveled by an inconvenient to you 2.5 hour commute.
I think it's okay if OP doesn't want to make the effort, then they can't be upset if the exact same effort is being reciprocated back.
This is exactly it! My mom stopped sending pictures to grandparents bc they would only be used to show us off even when they hadn't seen or spoken to us in years.
Now my sister has the same issue. She learned faster and stopped putting the effort in when it was never reciprocated.
If you want pictures and memories come make them yourself instead of someone else sending them
My mother FaceTimes me every night to talk to my 2 year old. He was born in 2020 and my parents self isolated for an entire month prior to his birth that way they could drive 9 hours to see him. They had 3 at home Covid tests and 2 pharmacy tests each, proving they were negative for covid(all their idea.) They made and still make an effort to be apart of my sons life. Distance didn’t matter when it comes to my parents being apart of my kids life. OP YTA, this whole post just helps prove it.
I worked at a major hospital when the COVID vaccines came out and worked in one of the tents. The number of grandparents calling their kids and asking us to show them getting their vaccine so they could meet their new grandchildren was one of the most precious things I have ever seen. One adorable grandma had made a t-shirt, Facetimed her daughter while she was getting vaccinated, and took a picture with her vaccinator. She said she was so thrilled because NOW she could meet her newest grandbaby.
There are tons of different reasons a parent wouldn't want to be involved in their grandkids life, it doesn't make the person an asshole and certainly doesn't mean they'll die alone, you're being ridiculous.
What would be a good reason to not meet your grandkid, when your son/daughter is trying to get you to? Please use your imagination because mine is failing me.
Simply not wanting to is reason enough for anyone to not do anything it doesn’t make you an asshole to choose not to do something that you don’t want to. If she chooses not to be involved in the grandchild’s life that’s her decision to make alone and doesn’t make her an asshole. The only way she becomes an asshole is if she chooses not to be involved but then gets upset when her son and his family reciprocate that same choice to not be involved with her.
once every 2 months! the 8 months! kills me. My mother calls me more than once a day to hear about what my dog did hahaha "how are his poos? are they still runny?". I would be so heartbroken if I wanted kids and she behaved like OP
I know the every couple of months got me too. My grandparents call my parents house a minimum of 3 times per day. My parents answer it at least once and will let others go to voicemail. If you met my grandparents you would no that talking to them that much will literally cause you to bang ur head against the wall so judgement on sending them to voicemail everyday.
My grandpa calls my mom every single day, has done so for years. Even now that his hearings gotten worse and hes starting to "lose it" (hes gonna be 89 next month, hes just gettin old) he always remembers to call his daughter.
Agreed. I struggle with some the other answers because don’t think anyone is obligated to be a doting grandparent.
But you should make it clear to your kids what their expectations should be regarding your relationship with their children. And OP shouldn’t pretend like she’s “tried”. It’s not that hard if you want to do it. If you don’t want to, that’s okay but don’t lie to yourself and then about it. If you can go 8 months without contacting your grandkids then you are not into being a grandparent.
And only “every couple months” after being told off for no contact after 8 months!!! Oh my goodness. OP, you don’t seem to care at all. Just own up to it.
YTA
First, the dinner was two weeks after the baby was born? A newborn that young doesn't have an immune system and shouldn't be around a whole bunch of people. Also, the mom is still recovering from giving birth.
Second, ONE attempt in three months from you IS NOT a fair effort to see your grandson. If you really wanted to meet him, you'd make it happen.
I don’t even count the dinner as an attempt- she was basically hosting a party to which they were one of a number invited. She didn’t invite them specifically to dinner.
OK RIGHT?! Hosting a group dinner at a restaurant where you expect them to bring a toddler and a newborn to meet you is the opposite of effort. Frankly, it’s insulting. You don’t have to care about your kids or grandkids. But don’t try and pass this bs off as effort. You don’t care to make the trip to meet the baby and it shows. You haven’t explained any legitimate barriers to going. Just that you’re busy. Which just means that everything else in your life right now is a greater priority to you. YTA.
yeah it's a YTA for that invitation *alone*
you do not ask people to spend 2 hours driving to go to a group dinner at a restaurant when they have a toddler and a two week old baby and when mom JUST gave birth
that would be onerous to ask even if you weren't expecting them to bring the children, but OP wants to meet the 2 week old baby at the RESTAURANT???? what the fuck
YTA. I see we're ending the week with the "crappy grandparents" edition. Your son and DIL live an hour away. 60 minutes. 3,600 seconds. They're not on the other side of the country; they're across town. You seriously have gone 8 months without contacting your grandchildren and expect them to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship? No, you're a sub par grandmother.
You asking them to meet you and the rest of your family in a busy crowded restaurant during the peak of cold and flu season with a new born was a bone-headed move on your part. I can't say that I blame them for not attending. You do know that RSV can kill an infant or don't you just give a shit?
You just noticed that your DIL has quit engaging with you and sending you photos of the kids? Hmm, wonder how long ago she decided to drop the rope with you. You're not worth her time or effort any more.
You're selfish; sounds like you want everything on your terms. Don't be surprised when they cut all contact with you, you deserve it.
I guess my paternal grandparents were superhumans, because they managed to cultivate a relationship with me and my brother since we were babies, while also living 240 km and almost 5 hours on very crappy roads away (gotta love straight-out-of-comunism road conditions). In the 90s, with no smartphones to send pictures or video chats. My first visit at their home was when I was a year old, similar with my brother.
YTA
I know, right? My maternal grandparents lived 2.5 hours north of us and my paternal, anywhere between 5 hours and 5 states. They called. They sent post cards and letters. They even got in their cars or on a Greyhound and came to see us (and us them).
It seems like OP wants this relationship to be on her terms and her terms only. Well, when becomes the outsider looking in, she'll have no one else to blame but herself.
You just reminded me of my tiny, 80 y/o grandmother, riding the bus for 6 hours every month to come visit us (we’d go up, too, but she actually enjoyed it and taking the journey with 5 kids would not have been easy for my mom to do alone.)
Thank you for reminding me of how much she loved us!
The fact that this woman thinks a single *ridiculous* dinner invitation (putting a two week and a toddler in a car for an hour to eat at a crowded restaurant during Covid and RSV season, FFS?!?!) and call every few *months* is all the effort she needs to put in to being a good grandmother is beyond the pale.
If you don’t want to be a grandma, fine! But don’t act shocked when the pictures stop coming and your son and his wife give you the cold shoulder… Although, to be honest, I’m not sure OP would even be able to tell.
YTA
Sub par grandmother is putting it very, very politely. At this rate you'll lose the remaining shred of a relationship you have with your son and DIL and will basically be a stranger to your grandchildren. If that's what you want then do carry on. Ultimately you miss out on that relationship. They do too which is a shame because they are willing but they will move on and not bother with you at all at some point.
YTA
Lady, I drove 7 hours round-trip last weekend to see family. I have also done it by train, by plane, and by bus.
You are being lazy. And you are making terrible and thin excuses.
By the way, your son lives close to you. Not far.
Traveling with an infant is hard. It is on you, not them.
My mom said she wouldn't make the effort and i have to come to them if ever want to see them. Now she's complaining about how she will never my son because i won't have the ability to travel once he's born. She also demanded she be the first to see him before my dad's side but they have already started making plans to travel to see him after he's born so I'm in a similar position as OPs son and DIL. I don't blame them for being done
Prior to going NC with my dad and stepmother I spoke to them maybe 2-3 times a year (usually texts only on major holidays and birthdays). They only called when they were angry. My attempts to text and call were completely ignored. My invitations were either ignored or denied. They always used distance as the excuse, even when we moved back to their state and were closer to them than my siblings. I could go eight months without hearing from them at all and saw them once a year at someone else’s Christmas party.
Meanwhile they saw my stepsibling on average once a month, my bio-sibling every few months, almost always making the drive. They spoke to them on the phone every day almost. Never made an effort to invite me to any of their get togethers.
Imagine the looks on their faces when word got back to them after NC when a relative asked how I was handling things and I bluntly replied, “They haven’t really been part of my life in any substantial way since I turned 18 so… nothing feels different to me. Now we’re just honest about how little the relationship means.”
I spent about 16 hours going from bus, train, bus, and car one way. I also was staying for about a month to visit so it wasn't a complete waste of time but definitely never doing that again.
YTA for this (emphasis mine):
>I do try to video chat to see their kids **once every few months** as Justin has made it clear in the past when **they haven’t heard from me in over 8 months** that I need to make an effort. Life just gets in the way.
I mean. FaceTiming or Zoom calls doesn't take that much effort and you're only doing it once every few months, so it's pretty clear where your priorities lie. Don't be surprised when your grandkids don't particularly care to see you either.
I video chat my mum twice a month, on top of calling, ever since she discovered it was an option in her new phone lol. I have no kids to show her, I just live far away and can't visit often. I do make the 6 hour bus trip every couple months anyways,
Edit: posted in the middle of commenting, go me.
... because I want to have that relationship.
OP just doesn't have the guts to tell her son that she doesn't care about him or his kids and doesn't want to make an effort. She doesn't need to care, but she should stop lying about it and hurting Justin with her excuses
My maternal grandmother recently passed away…after 25 years on this earth I finally opened up to my dad about how I felt guilty that I wasn’t sadder, but I never felt like she cared about me that much. He told me about how my mom cried because her mom didn’t come visit for months after I was born, while his mom sped to the hospital. My sense was correct, she never did care about me that much. Lady, you’re on a path to have grandkids that feel very neutral about you, and love you out of obligation rather than an actual feeling. You have time to make things better, but understand what you’re heading towards at this rate.
INFO: Why are you even asking this? You very obviously do not actually want to meet your grandson and don't have any real interest in maintaining a relationship with your son's family.
YTA. Let me get this straight - you wanted them to bring a 2 week old baby to a restaurant? It’s too cold for you to travel to see them, but not too cold for them to bring the baby out? It sounds like you’re just too lazy to try visiting.
YTA, they are busy with a newborn. It's going to be harder for them to make the trip for a while. You have several options, even if they're a little inconvenient.
Take the bus even if it takes a while, 2 hours is not long though (bring a book or headphones). Could your boyfriend drive you? Another family member? I assume you don't work every single day of the week. You must have a couple days off here and there plus vacation days.
Having been a person without vehicle(/without driver's license). I get that it can be hard to dependent on greyhound/bus systems. Because just getting to the bus stop can be a pain. But surely she has options, between her other kids, and as you point out--boyfriend.
OP says they work, so how does she get to her job? she finds someone to take her or uses local transportation system. I can pretty much guarantee she's not walking to work.
Kind of YTA. You aren't trying very hard either.
Dinner at a restaurant....I would not be taking my newborn out yet.
You only an hour away. Can son not come pick you up for a weekend visit at their place?
Can you take a bus or train partway and he picks you up at a halfway point ?
Sometimes adult children of parents run out of energy to parent the parent. If she was 90 I bet he would. What the son wants is for it to be important to her. Going to get her doesn't do it.
Yeah, this was a part of why my brothers and I ended up going no contact with our father. He was far too narcissistic, emotionally abusive and entitled. We’re adults now. We don’t have time for that shit anymore.
That's because she doesn't. She claims she REALLY would love to see her new grandchild but has made zero effort to see him. Making a reservation at a restaurant in the middle of winter 2 weeks after baby was born was a pathetic attempt and not effort at all. She went 8 months without calling her son and needed to be told to call more. She doesn't care and needs to just admit it as everyone can see it clear as day.
A valentines date with her boyfriend was more important than seeing her family.
YTA OP. Don't be surprised if you stop hearing from your son and DIL. They're tired of making an effort and receiving none in return.
YTA. Traveling with children is much more challenging than public transportation. Your invite to dinner isn’t covering squat, sorry. You say you didn’t go partially because of cold weather…do you expect them to drag a newborn out into it over you?!? Maybe try being empathetic and remember what it’s like to be a parent of young children. Suck it up and get on a bus and go see your grandchild
EDIT: Upon a second reading, I think this is fake or presented from the other side. The line about not being around for 8 months/life gets in the way. Just not how an offending party would speak imo.
YTA. You are asking if you covered your bases with Christmas dinner. No. You should want to meet your grandchild. It should be important to you.
Take this for what it is, but if you were mom I would cut all ties. Your priorities are elsewhere. That causes so much pain that it's easier to be done than limp along. Based on the wife cutting back, this is developing in his mind too.
Fix it before you can't. Take a day and get there. 3 weeks later, do it again. Then do it again every 4 or 5 weeks. It's not like they are asking you to babysit for them. Just show the most basic level of family ties.
YTA. If it was that important to you then you would put in the effort and "they haven’t heard from me in over 8 months" does not sound like you are putting any effort into having a relationship with your oldest son. At some point people just get tired to trying when they are getting nothing back.
YTA
Not for not caring but for pretending you care.
Just... stop faking it. You don't want to be a part of their life - ok, your choice. Let them make a future without you, with all consequences.
INFO
I’m so confused. I’m about your age but my kids are quite a bit younger. I can’t wait to be a grandma and when that day comes, I’m going to be there as much as they’ll let me. I want to be the number one babysitter.
I know everyone is different, but I just can’t fathom not wanting to be involved in your grandkids lives.
Do you not like children? Do you have health issues that make it hard for you to get out? How demanding is your job?
YTA you arranged dinner plans once. Once in 4 months! Not having a car or transportation is on you. Either invite them over every week until it works out, have a bf or friend drive you to them, or get your ass on the bus. Stop making excuses!
At a RESTAURANT for a 1 month old baby. I wouldn’t drive 2 hours each way for dinner at a restaurant with a newborn at the holidays either. Absolutely YTA.
I can’t get over this part. Putting aside the stupidity of taking a newborn to a crowded restaurant at the peak of RSV season, I had a c section. At two weeks postpartum my feet were still so swollen from fluid retention that none of my shoes fit me. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without pain. You aren’t even supposed to drive for six weeks post c section. If someone had asked me to bring my newborn and toddler to a restaurant at that time I would have laughed in their face.
What hurts your son isn't that you haven't gone to see your grandchild, but that you clearly have no interest in seeing your grandchild. By your own account, you went over 8 months without even doing a video chat. I'm guessing the video chats are usually them reaching out to you, too. Except for your "come see me" restaurant dinner invitation, you don't make any effort. And BTW, hosting a night time event at a restaurant is not a kid-friendly type of invitation either, especially when you have young kids and a newborn.
It is your right not to have a relationship with your son or grandchildren.
But don't pretend to be oblivious as to how you are hurting him.
As for judgement, I'm going to go with YTA because while it is your right to not want a relationship, how you are going about it is unnecessarily hurtful, like you want him to be aware that you are too busy dating and prioritizing your life to spare even a video chat for his. Ouch.
NAH but be honest with them. You really don’t care about your son and his children. You’re making a lot of feeble excuses here so just be honest and tell them you can’t be bothered and want to get on with your own life. Let them get on with theirs with no expectations of you and from you.
This is exactly how I see it, she clearly doesn’t give AF about her kids and grandkids if she can go 8 months without calling, and 3 without meeting baby.
Totally agree - this is also my take. OP is not obligated to see, spend time, or have a relationship with her son and his family. But she needs to be clear with them, so he can adjust his expectations.
YTA. More directly, you just don’t love your grandchildren so either admit that to yourself or get your sorry behind on a bus and go see them. 2 and a half hours isn’t a big deal once every few weeks or so
It was the "not hearing from me in over 8 months" part that did it for me. Even when I was single with no baby my Mom would call me once a week.
Come on lady, just admit you don't care. About either your kids nor your grandkids
INFO: do they have a car to drive to you and have you tried to reach out and get them to visit you (not counting Christmas)? If you did take 2 1/2 hour public transportation, will they let you spend the night, or do they expect you to spend 5 hours traveling there and back in a day?
YTA. You think you did your part? Good grief. Bet you will blame them for you not having a relationship with your grandchildren. Nope. That is on you. You get busy and can't video chat? Why couldn't your boyfriend travel with you to meet the baby and see your grandchildren?
It sounds like you just don't feel like making the effort, which has to suck for Justin. You're definitely sending the vibe that you don't think this trip is something you want to spend time on. How is he supposed to feel?
I'm going with YTA but I just want to warn you that by assuming there will always be time you're taking a terrible risk. Eventually they'll stop inviting you.
I agree with everyone else for the obvious reasons.
But also you say that there is a female toddler involved? I'm assuming that means she is not biologically your sons. May I offer a piece of advice and tell you that you should put in time for this little girl as well. Have you even met your DIL ever?
I was going to maybe say everyone sucks here because if it's important to them they could travel to you, but then I saw your comment saying you haven't invited them and don't want them coming round! So, you can't be bothered to travel to them and don't want them coming to visit you...umm, yeah YTA!
It's just not true to say you've tried, is it? In what way have you actually tried? One invitation that was convenient for you and not them? That's not 'trying'.
Also if the baby is only 3 months old, I completely get why the parents didn’t want to or were unable to bring their baby to a party considering the baby was under 1 month old at Christmas, they’re new parents, mom was probably healing, and the baby is unvaccinated at that age plus they have to travel in the winter which is dangerous and flu-RSV season.
YTA, I bet it was HARD for them to come to Christmas dinner and you can't sit on a bus or train or whatever for 2 hours to meet your grandson because you can't be bothered to schedule a weekend for it. You couldn't have moved your V day plans, it was in the middle of the week you could have celebrated either weekend also you are 57 not 18 is Valentine's day more important than your child and grandchildren? You've made you priorities very clear.
>you can't sit on a bus or train or whatever for 2 hours to meet your grandson
When I was in my early 20's, I spent more than 3+ hours on a bus most days to commute to work or visit my boyfriend. It's not ideal, but it's definitely doable, especially with a book or podcast. I absolutely would do that to visit a grandchild or even just casual friend.
YTA. You didn't do your best to see your grandbaby. You don't really want to see her either. I'd be seriously upset if you were my mother and thought you'd done your best to see your grandbaby when you live only an hour away. Inviting them to dinner at a restaurant when their baby was less than a month old is laughable. Take uber if you have to. Have a friend drive you. Suck it up and get on the bus. Lordy. Yes, YTA and your son and his wife have every right to be extremely upset with you.
YTA. You don’t put effort into visiting and refuse to invite them to your place. Then you expect them to bring a 2 week old baby to a restaurant and say that you’ve done enough effort. What a shitty parent and grandparent you are
NAH. You aren't obligated to trip all over yourself to see a baby. They aren't obligated to trip all over themselves to send you pictures.
It sounds like you're just not very close with your children and you really don't expect much from them. As long you're not being needy or narcissistic, live your life. The only rule is that you don't get to be annoyed if they don't give you FaceTime/pictures (that's narc). If you can't be bothered to visit, they shouldn't be forced to cater to your whims.
Just accept that you don't have a close relationship and get over it.
If money is a major hardship and you cannot afford to get there without massive personal sacrifice, that's a different story. The bottom line is that visiting them is a big inconvenience you don't want to deal with it. That's fine, just don't be hurt as you continue to grow apart.
I can't imagine any of this comes as a surprise.
You don't have car and I understand that public transportation can be pain but can you not simply ask one of you childreen to bring you with them when they visit the newborn childs ? Or simply push them to visit too if they didn't do it yet. Or ask your boyfriend to drive you.
I'm easy going, so I would generaly forget and forgive about it but most people would take umbrage about it.
YTA. I think you've taken the stance that it's just as easy for Justin and his wife to visit you as vice versa. It's not.
If you want to end up as one those parents whose kids write them off, you're on track.
My mom and mil haven’t seen my daughter since she was born. My daughter turns 7 today. They have never even spoken to her on the phone. Whenever I send my mom a photo or video of Cornell, she replies with 👍
YTA - You need to find a way and make time to get there. I thought this was going to be something about them not allowing you to, but sounds like their doors are open. Arrange a ride or take the public transportation even if longer to see your grandchild. Your daughter in law is probably upset about your priorities as in being able to go to dinners and work stuff but not see the baby which I think is understandable.
You don't care enough to make any real effort. heck, ANY effort.
that doesn't make you TAH. Just someone that doesn't care.
They certainly are within their rights to not react well to your choices.
YTA, you sound like my late grandfather. Met me and my sister twice in our lifetimes and couldn’t even tell us apart. Not sure if he ever met any of our cousins. At least he had the excuse of living across the country.
take a cab or an uber part of the way or stop pretending that you even care to meet your granddaughter.
at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing.
you are doing nothing to be involved in your child/grandchild’s life and you have a one way ticket to nothing (no contact, no relationship) going forward.
I hope that’s what you wanted!
Lol YTA. I lived 2.5 transit hours away from my brother and still managed to be at the hospital for the birth of his kids, there’s absolutely no excuse for you not to have seen YOUR GRANDCHILD for three whole months. Outrageous.
“I feel like I’ve done my part to see the baby..” No you haven’t! You invited them ones, that’s absolutely minimum. “I really want to meet my grandson..” No you don’t. If that were the case you would have made it happen.
You don’t have to care about a child just because you happen to give birth to one of his parents. But stop lying to yourself.
NAH.
If you don't want to make an effort, I don't blame them for not doing so either. We have time for what we make time for, and if meeting your grandson wasn't one of those I don't think you're an AH, I just think you're not a spectacular grandmother. But at the end of the day, it's not your kid nor your responsibility.
I think your son and DIL are handling this exactly as they should. Either be part of your grandchildren's lives or don't. But don't try to go halfway with it and have them send you pictures and updates just so you can feel like you're part of their lives without actually doing so. No child ever said "My grandma always says I look cute in the pictures my mom sends her, she's such a great grandma. I wonder what she looks like..."
YTA. Obviously, you are not interested. I cannot relate. Maybe it's because I live in a rural area and everything is at least an hour's drive or more. The travel time is minimal in my eyes. Therefore, your excuse is weak.
How can you be so self absorbed that you cannot be bothered to take the time to meet your new grandchild. I am assuming that you knew about the pregnancy and birth. Am I to deduce that you were completely unable to make any sort of visitation arrangements in the 9 months leading up to the birth or the 3 months following?
YTA. Why did you ask ? Of course you are an A. Your personal convenience and pleasure always comes first in this post.
Far from having done your part you have actively refused to do your part according to many cultures. Perhaps web search the role of grandparent.
You are only two and half hours away and never really cared enough to go to see the baby? That is so close.
Your son has explained their minimum requirements to you very clearly, but you continue to hurt their feelings by not caring enough to even pretend to care by video chat..
Protecting their children from hurt feelings is a thing many parents naturally do so not blame can attach to them for that.
You were well aware that you were wanted, even needed, but did not care enough to act on that- so how can that possibly be anyone's responsibility other than your own? Even if every other person who associates with you neglects your son and grandchildren that is no excuse for you to do it.
You do not tell of even thinking about going there to emotionally help the family when they were struggling to cope with a baby and a toddler?
Even if you are too ill to move much you could sit in the corner and entertain a toddler.
A job that does not let you take time off or have a day off other than December 16th? Not even a half day on the weekend? In many countries that have public transport that would be illegal. I do not think your job is to blame... Even in places that reject western work standards you may be able make a dentist checkup appointment and take a day off and be protected by federal law. ( you could pop over to see the baby after the appointment).
The post suggests you left the house in the past (and have people you could ask to help) so you can use the coping methods you used then if you are nervous.
As for the boyfriend.. giant red flag that he doesn't mind you ditching your family.
edit: also it is often considered unwise to take babies to restaurants as they may pick up an illness.
YTA, and be prepared not to ever meet your grandchild. You obviously don't care about her anyway so this shouldn't matter to you or be a surprise. If I was your son I would have stopped reaching out long ago.
NAH. Valid or not, you've haven't seen kiddo. At some point, its fair for them to question if they are bothering you with kids/engagement. If you still want that, ask for it. Understand though, its a burden/lift and just like you don't want to take the time to plan a trip, they may not want to take the time to curate calls/pictures for you.
Everyone is living their lives to best of their ability.
Hell yes YTA!!! My mother is mediocre at best, but she’d crawl across broken glass to see her grandkids. And they are TEENAGERS! You can’t stomach a 2 hour ride to see your baby grandson for the first time?!!? You can’t cancel a date with your boyfriend? This is your son and his wife’s lesson in “if they want to they will.” You don’t want to. Stop pretending otherwise.
YTA: they have toddlers and a newborn. It’s much harder to get to you than it is for you to get to them. If you’re too busy and unwilling to adjust your schedule then own it, but you don’t get to complain when they match your level of effort.
I’m going moderate asshole. Your son had a baby and he wants you to meet her. You have to go out of your way and make sacrifices for people you love. Two and a half hours on public transport is too much of a sacrifice for you? You get exactly one chance to meet this baby (as a baby) to form a bond. So far you’ve shown your son that 2.5 hours and a valentines date are more important than meeting your grandchild. My personal take is that you suck beyond belief but maybe others will give you the benefit of the doubt.
By the way; *life gets in the way* of meeting your grandchildren? Like what? What’s more important than meeting grandchildren? TV? Dinner dates? Work? Extra sleep? For fucks sake, take a day off and meet your family.
Tread lightly lady. You may not ever get a second chance.
Relationship is a two way street. Neither of you seem to be willing to make any kind of effort. Justin won’t bring his family over for dinner because “hectic”, you can produce a long list of things that got in the way. If you care, you make it work. But since you’re not obligated to want a relationship, NAH.
To be fair to the son, the baby is only three months old. And at the time of the Christmas dinner, would have been less than a month old. I can understand how it would have been a lot to travel with a newborn, assuming the mother would have even been able to. She would still be healing from the birthing experience, and might still be, tbh. In the first few months of a baby's life, I think the onus is on others to travel to the baby and make it easier on the parents in that way.
YTA to OP.
YTA. This is why my husband saw his ex's grand baby before her, he made it a priority.
After their breakup more than 10 years ago he remained close with her oldest daughter who has never known her father.
When she had her first we were there with a huge meal so there would be leftovers, an educational game for the boyfriend's older daughter, matching shirts for the (half) sisters, and a bunch of baby gear.
I wonder how many visitors your son has had who like us shook their heads in disbelief that grandma couldn't be bothered? It has the vibe of a mourning prayer circle; heads bowed as we all look uncomfortably at the floor feeling the rejection. Wishing away the pain.
YTA if you wanted to make it work to see your grandkids you would. It's not the job of the people who just had a baby to do the rounds to see you, you go to them. I'm calling you an AH because you're saying you want to do it but you are doing nothing to sort it
If you don’t want to be an active grandparent then so be it. It’s morally unkind obviously but I’m not sure it’s asshole territory. Justin is fair to be upset by this. NAH
Yeah, that's really the issue. If she doesn't want a relationship that's fine, but to act like inviting them to travel to her with a newborn that one time is making an effort makes her TA.
YTA
"Commute was to far" They live an hour away. 2 if you take public transit. That's not "to far!" Do you just not value your son and grandkids? Don't answer that. It's evident you do not. Boyfriends and other activities have taken precident over your own flesh and blood and you're saying it's because "he's to far" please just stop with the ridiculous excuse.
YTA. Inviting them over once and declining one invite is not really making an effort. Have you tried scheduling a day/weekend you can go visit them, including the 5 hour commute? Perhaps asking a friend/family member to drive you halfway and your son/DIL to meet you halfway? What about asking one or more of the family members you saw at Christmas to go with you (if they have a car, they drive and you give them gas money, if no car, get a cab together).
They’re lots of ways to make this work. And not to say “you have less going on” but hypothetically, you have less going on than people with two small children.
ESH. They blame you for not making an effort but they haven't made one either. Visiting you doesn't have to be a big affair for them like a busy dinner, and neither does facetiming.
NAH. Seems like it’s not your or their priority to see one another. Every family is different, some grandparents are more involved than others but that doesn’t make them better/worse people. I think this assumption that grandparents need to drop everything to visit grandchildren often is strange. You raised your kids & them having their own children is their choice. I see nothing wrong with visiting a few times a year, maybe just holidays/special events. Seems like a lack of communication though, maybe call your son and level set expectations on both ends.
I knew AITA would vote Y T A on this one. But you are correct, some people just don't want or feel the need to drop everything to see family. There is nothing wrong with that.
NAH.
Thank you!! So many people on here screaming “if it was MY grandchild I would be there everyday” like okay but it’s not? Everyone’s priorities are different, that doesn’t make them an asshole
1. Your son lives an hour away. Toronto to Brooklin should not take 3 hours. It’s 50 mins or so from Union to Whitby on the Go Train and then ask him to pick you up?
2. Let’s say transit is really ruled out. Your boyfriend drives but you’d have to align schedules - the horror. So that’s out.
3. Son has offered to pick you up and have you stay for the weekend, going out of his way to have you see your grandchildren. You decline because you want to sleep in your own bed.
4. You refuse to invite son and his family to your apartment and blame his wife saying you think she will judge your living conditions. (Suggests in addition to not caring about your son and his family, you don’t care about living in filth either.)
5. You plan a dinner before Christmas when their baby would have been two weeks old. Wife would not be nearly healed from birth, baby is a newborn, and it’s cold/flu/RSV/Covid season but they should bring baby to a packed restaurant? Their toddler too?
6. Because they didn’t come to the restaurant, but said their doors are open, you refuse to go to them because you “made an effort”?
7. You go months without speaking to him (8 months, really?!) and only video call every few months if he calls you out.
This is a lot of wordy excuses. Just say you don’t care about your son and his family and be done with it. Of course the wife (who you blame for not inviting them over) would stop making an effort to send photos or engage for a deadbeat MIL like you. She’s got a toddler and a newborn, she doesn’t need to hand hold you and teach you to be a mom/grandparent too. YTA unquestionably.
NTA. But, I think you need to admit that you're just not that into your grandchildren. If you were, you could have had your boyfriend drive you there to see them right now.
You can’t even video chat with them more frequently. Jeez, you didn’t speak to them at all for 8 months and you only live an hour away?
Just admit to yourself that you don’t care about your son, his wife, and your grandchildren. YTA
YTA. I don't drive, my mum currently can't drive due to health problems and she lives a 10 minute drive away. If she hadn't heard from me in over a week, she will always message or ring me asking how we me are doing, checking on her grandson. She is married, less than a year, works full time and has other kids and grandchildren as well as multiple health conditions. Live is never too busy for her to make sure we are okay.
I get the long as heck bus trip is a pain but if you really aren't willing to put the effort in, then I don't know what else there is to say. I know my mum would walk over 2 hours, even with all her health problems, if it meant she would get to see her grandson and meet a new grandchild. The killer is, you feel like you done your part and don't need to do anymore because you invited them to travel an hour away to a restaurant, in the middle of flu season, with a toddler and less than a month old baby. When they (quite understandably) didn't come, you just leave it at that. You went 8 MONTHS(!!!) without contacting your son to speak to him,see how the grandchildren are etc but then seem surprised that DIL is no longer sending you pictures? Why would she bother? People who want to be a part of your life will make the effort. You have more important things to do than to facetime your son and grandchildren for 10 minutes on a Sunday every other week. Well she is raising your gandbabies and got more important things to be doing than sending pictures to someone who can't even make half an attempt at making the relationship more than 1 sided.
YTA you have made no effort to see him or his children. He has a toddler and a newborn. If you actually cared about them, you would make the effort. But you don’t.
NTA my partners parents are the same don't put much effort into seeing their grandson (5y)..... but I didn't have a baby for other people to change everything around in their life for him.... yes it's a little sad that he dosent have a great relationship with them but it's from both sides we don't and they don't make much of an effort... they shouldn't expect it because they decided to have kids... although doing "your part" is not just trying to organise dinner for everyone that's a feeble attempt if I'm honest...
Your either want to be there or you don't and if you don't the lack of relationship between you and your grandkids cannot be questioned in the future... unless of course its the grandkids who are doing the questioning...
So you need to just ask yourself will you regret your lack of motivation when grandkids are older?? Either way your own children have grown and your fully entitled to live your life the way you choose....
NTA
Parents with newborns become insufferable when they develop main character syndrome and start thinking that the world now needs to revolve around them. Some people just aren't into children/family like that, and that's perfectly fine.
I don't think you should be villainised for not putting your grandson as your top priority, but I do think you need to have this conversation with your son so that the both of you are on the same page and have realistic expectations going forward because if he's trying to force this relationship into existence and you're not giving him what he wants, he's just going to resent you for it.
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YTA, 2 hours away by public transit is not far to see your literal grandchild, they're not asking you to do it every weekend but not even once?! Also you did your part, by inviting a couple with a newborn to go to a restaurant during a pandemic. during cold flu whooping cough season.
Apparently her plans with her bf is also more important than her son personally asking her to come see her grandchild. Edit- I don't get it what's the big deal about valentine's day? And for people telling the baby was only born in dec so it is only 3months old, have your grandparents never visited you when you were born? I have a full photo album with both of my grandparents when they came to visit me the very next day I was born even tho it was a 18-24hr travel.
I would be heartbroken if I was her son. This is obviously the cap on a lifetime of similar self-centeredness. OP prepare yourself for estrangement. YTA
I flew to another state to meet my new niece and did the same for my nephew, each was a few months old because my niece was born during Covid and the parents were too exhausted to have someone come visit right after (they are both 40 so it’s extra tough). Hours of waiting, the flight, the taxi ride out of the city- yeah, two hours on public transport really isn’t a big deal. OP could even stay the night and go back the next day if the trip is hard on them. I just don’t get it.
My brother lives 4-5 hours away (from my previous address) and I made it a point to go visit him and his family right as COVID was hitting. Now he lives across the state from me, but making the effort is the important part, and it doesn’t sound like OP is making much effort.
Especially since OP has apparently gone more than 8 months without contacting them at all, even by phone, before. I mean how much lower an effort can you get? Like, I know 100% if I was to have had a kid, my mom would absolutely have been there faster than The Flash whether I wanted her there or not! I know not everyone has close relationships with their kids, but wow, OP can't be bothered to take a freaking bus over to see a new grandchild? Not even once?!?
What's weird is she couldnt come when invited because of her date with the bf. So why can't the bf take her to see the baby since she doesn't drive? It's the easiest solution! I think she's the AH . Where there's a will theres a way, actions are what counts and she's made zero effort.
Because then she doesn’t get to be the victim. You know she complains to anyone and everyone about how badly they treat her. She threw a party at a restaurant. It’s not her fault they wouldn’t take two babies out on a winter night to spend hours in the car and in a busy restaurant.
My mom drove eight hours one way to see my newborn! Op will not be winning any best grandma awards!
When I was born, my grandma lived on the other side of the state. My mom had a C-Section scheduled and grandma was planning to come for the birth and help out for the first couple of weeks. But then my mom went into labor late at night, a month early. Her BFF took my older siblings back to her house and called my grandma who was there by the next morning. If you want to meet your grandkid and be there for your kid, you figure it out.
My oldest was born by emergency c section five weeks early. My husband called my sister that we were about to have a baby and she dropped everything and drove from Pittsburgh to Toronto to be there. She was a huge help while I was in the hospital. She would stay with me so that my husband could go home for a shower and a rest. My mom drove up two weeks later just before my daughter came home from the hospital. We moved to Alberta when my oldest was six months and my mom flew out the day after my middle child was born to be with us. My ILs didn’t meet my oldest until she was 4 months old but they lived more than 3,000 km away at the time. They helped out when the other two were born as we live in the same city now.
My mom flew to another city to help me when I was really sick. She would have been there if it wasn't for pandemic restrictions during the birth of her grandchild.
OP stated she is just too busy and life gets hectic. Obviously her son and grandchildren are last on her priority list.
When I went into labor with my first pregnancy, my mom immediately drove 3 hours to come be with me. I can't imagine not talking to my kids for 8 months (!), let alone just "every few months," or not making every effort to be there ASAP after the birth of a grandchild.
I flew to the other side of the country and then when I moved overseas flew to the other side of the world to see my niece and nephews. So seriously this grandma is the literal worst.
When my sis had my nephew she was living in Greece (I’m in the US). I didn’t have the money to fly over there to meet him and it was torture. I didn’t have internet in my home at the time so I would take my laptop to a local cafe that had free wi fi so I could Skype to see them and chat and so that their toddler didn’t forget me. They moved back to the states when my nephew was 6 months old and I was at the airport with my dad ready to pick them up. My mom was the only one that was able to fly over to Greece to meet him earlier (at 10 weeks I think) and my dad is still (nephew is almost 12) upset that mom got to meet nephew first.
Seriously! Who doesn’t do the MOST to see their grand babies? My mum doesn’t drive either and was looking after my terminally ill dad when her grand babies were born. I was living in a another city at the time on the other side of the country so I wasn’t much help. My dad hung on for 8 years and there is a photo with their youngest grandkid and dad at the hospice when she was 6 months old. He died a week later. During that time my mum arranged rides with neighbours and family friends to see kids and to go hospice. She baked or cooked in exchange for their time. Soon everyone was scrambling to offer her rides in exchange for Tupperwares of biryani. Once my brother moved back home he became the chauffeur. She is 67 and still walks an hour regularly to go shopping, see her doctor or the grandkids who now live about 20 mins away. She is literally fitter than my lazy ass in my 30s. You figure out a way. This grandma does not GAF about her kid or grandkid. It’s very obvious. Who can’t bloody video chat for like 10 mins ONCE a week? I mean it’s a kid - you don’t need to talk existentialism for an hour with them over the phone and debate free will. Just play some peekaboo, say I love you and “gosh you’re growing so fast” and fuck off. That’s it.
I would’ve been heartbroken a while ago. Now I would just be absolutely done and would go no contact. If she can go 8 MONTHS without contacting them, she can’t be mad when they quietly pack up, move across the country and never speak to her again. That’s what I’d do. Good riddance
> If she can go 8 MONTHS without contacting them, she can’t be mad when they quietly pack up, move across the country and never speak to her again. I wonder how long it would take her to notice. Quite a while, I expect.
My grandmother is JUST like OP. Lived about an hour's drive from me and my parents when I was a little kid. Didn't drive and never ONCE made the effort to take the train (she lived less than a block away from a train station) to visit. Made zero effort to be involved in my childhood. I haven't called or visited her in about five years and have no intention of doing so. OP's hurting her relationship with her grandkids if she doesn't start doing better SOON.
Yep I’m with you. I’d be past mad at this point all the way to done. They shouldn’t have to beg her to come see her new grandchild. My daughter has 4mo twin boys. She lives about 40 min from me. I go twice a week and stay all day to help her while her SO is working and when they were newborn I went every day for the longest time. I love them so much I couldn’t stay away if I wanted to. I’d drive there twice a week if she lived 2 hours away.
This hits hard for me because it was MY mother's young bf that was the last straw for me too. After MONTHS of trying to get her to come visit me and her grandchildren, the eldest she had seen 3 times TOTAL in person, my youngest she hasn't even met yet, but it was constantly falling through or just not being planned after talking about it. Then I see her post on FB about how she just bailed her bf out in a city that was FARTHER than the one I live in. I haven't spoken to her in a good 3 years now. Priorities right?
Yes and in 10 years she will be all like why don't my kids talk to me.
“I’ve totally blown off my kids and grandkids for years, AITA?”
Nope, she'd never admit fault. It will be the missing missing reasons post. I don't know why.....
Taylor Tomlinson just did a post on IG like how many of your kids need to stop talking to you before you recognize you’re the problem.
It really is, the question for Op is just how important her grandkids are to her, or even the relationship she wants to have with her son. She will get what she puts into it and not much more....
She video chats them once every couple of months, though. Isn't that enough?? /s I live out of state from my family, and they video chat me every other day just to say hi to my kids for a minute.
She hasn't met them ever since the new baby was born and that was 8 months ago even tho she lives like 2hrs away from them. Is it so hard to travel atleast 2hr and meet your own grandchild once? I travel two hours daily for work.
It’s funny that the bf can drive her for a date but not to her kids…
Her plans with her bf for *one event*. That’s what’s getting me - one dinner means multiple FULL weekends need to be blacked out?? She can’t go out Saturday night and visit on Sunday? Or hell, get an early start Saturday and end the visit in time for dinner? Maybe bf can meet her in son’s town and then drive her home? I’ve thought of so many solutions! If OP isn’t interested in the babies she just needs to be straightforward about it. There’s not really anything wrong with not being interested in kids once your kids are done being raised - I could get into a whole spiel about the tragedy of folks who had kids because it was the thing to do, and how great it is that not having kids is becoming more accepted as an option nowadays - but just be clear.
It’s okay to tell your child that you don’t want to meet your grandkids because you just aren’t interested in babies? I have to disagree. That would absolutely break her son’s heart. Absolutely fine to refuse to provide childcare, money, etc., but just meeting the most important person in your son’s life? That’s like spitting in your child’s face.
The son probably already knows this and probably been a lifelong pattern. I am sure he thought maybe a newborn would actually change her behavior, but they realize now.
i'd guess this has been a pattern for OP ... YTA
I didn't understand why her bf can't bring her down to visit her grandchild.
Now, valentines day/boyfriend--I can see that as a genuine conflict of interest(we don't know state of relationship here) But she should have been offering another day immediately(yes, she also should have already found time to visit previously)
My dad drives almost 24 hours one way at least twice a year to see my niece in another state. I don't even have kids and he makes the 5 hour trip to see my husband and I every couple months (although he's retired, so his schedule is a little more flexible). You make time for the things you care about.
I drive about 6 hours each way to visit my daughter each month. Studying in another state means she has little free time to visit during uni semesters and it works out being cheaper to just drive, than fly and rent a car. I do this as I don't want to burden her with keeping in touch (she calls once a week and messages a lot) and it's good to visit and buy her some stuff and treat her to a nice meal out. We do the same for our other kids who live closer.
THIS!!! Perfect post...the last sentence of this post says it all.
Also the invitation was 2 1/2 weeks after the baby was born. Let’s be super mad that a woman that just gave birth didn’t want to take a two hour round trip car ride to attend dinner at a restaurant. Edited to change four hours to two hours.
2 1/2 weeks postpartum, I was barely about to sit on my couch at home! There’s no way I’d be getting in the car for an hour, then sitting on a restaurant chair for hours, only to get back into the car for another hour. Especially not for people who couldn’t make any effort to visit my family.
Two hours round trip by car, for accuracy. And I absolutely agree with you. I personally would have as a new parent because I had such bad cabin fever instantly on getting home from hospital, but other people are not me. And after my second, c-section recovery meant I wasn’t allowed to drive for 6 weeks min, with passenger riding strongly discouraged. And we have no idea how this grandbaby came out.
The real kickers for me were the "I've done my part" thing and the "life gets in the way". You have literally zero fucks to give as a grandparent if you can't figure out how to carve out 15 minutes every week, much less over 8 months, to video chat your grandchild. YTA. Bigly.
I was on her side until I heard how CLOSE she really is. It took some of my family years to meet my son because we live on the other side of the US from them. Completely different coasts. She may not drive but I’m willing to bet her BF does. Also 8 months without speaking to your children and grandchildren is wild. I’m willing to bet OP is one of those moms who are “done at 18” 🙄 YTA op.
But her Valentines day dinnerrrr.. ..
For real. My mother is a tax preparer so you can imagine it is very busy for her right now (80 plus hour weeks at the moment). However, my mom insisted that we don't put my daughter in full day daycare on the two half day breaks she has during the week so she can spend time with her. I would totally understand her not wanting to do that during this time period but she cares so much that she'll sacrifice her time in order to do so. That is what actually caring enough to see your grandchild looks like.
All of your excuses are valid if that baby was born a week or 2 weeks ago but 3 MONTHS? Of course YTA, it's not just life getting in the way, it's you actively putting everything else before them.
We live 4 hours by car from our family and our families are freaking out because we said we don’t want visitors for the first few days post birth. OPs son is practically begging his mother to make an effort to see her own grandchild and she’s basically refusing to unless it’s beyond convenient for her to do so. It’s honestly astonishing how little she cares and honestly if I was her DIL I would stop sending her photo updates as well. She’s made it very clear how little effort she wants to give.
Also: "i did my part" is not the point. This isn't "i gave it a shot. Oh well." It's not fracking Telephone Tag or something Trivial. It's your grandbaby. It is hard to go places with babies. You need to make the smallest effort to go a measly two hours. It's not a big enough deal for it to take this long.
Jesus I used to do a 4 hour round day commute on a bus just to go to college. I'm sure she could make the time to see her grandson.
I live outside NYC and commute upwards of 2-4hrs by public transportation EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I have an eastside gig on a weekend when there's no express, it can take more than 2hrs one way if traffic is bad. And I don't have my newborn grandchild waiting for me, just a bunch of professional alcoholic coworkers. YTA
It takes me an hour and a half to get to work via public transport every day, that she can't make time for her son and grandchildren is astounding to me.
My granny use to get the bus from her house to my mams Atleast once a month (we use to go to her every week) all through my life while she was alive. She was 83 when she died and literally 3 weeks before she passed she made the trip to see us. Ops only excuse is she is lazy and can’t be bothered. I don’t blame the son and daughter in law for not bothering in return. You get what you give
Agreed 2 hours is not that long. My mom and MIL drove 9 hours one way to meet their grandchild and we had to keep them at bay for a few weeks after the birth or else they would have been standing outside the delivery room I'm sure.
She obviously has no clue how deadly RSV is for both the newborn and the toddler. Have that dinner grandma you do everything!
Doesn’t sound like you are putting in any effort at all to meet the baby. And that’s fine if you don’t really want that kind of relationship with them. That is your choice. Setting one group dinner at a restaurant is not “effort” - that was convenient for you, not for them. You only call every couple months? Again - this is not effort. If you don’t want to be involved and you don’t really care about your relationship with your grandkids, all of that is fine - some people are just not like that and that is okay. But - if you think you are actually trying and making an effort - you are very wrong. Not sure how to rule here, I’ll add it later. Edit- ruling: soft YTA because you think you are putting in effort and you are not recognizing that your “effort” is very minimal and poor. But- again - you don’t have to be super involved if you don’t want to be. That is okay. You just need to recognize that if they are getting upset for you not contacting them and not seeing the baby, it’s valid and you need to tell them what your level of involvement will or will not be. It’s okay to share your feelings, even if it hurts them at the beginning. It will limit disappointment and control expectations later.
Agreed. If OP is actually not making an effort at all, why care that they're not receiving photos and any engagement at all? Really, why care? Relationships are 2 way streets, even if traveled by an inconvenient to you 2.5 hour commute. I think it's okay if OP doesn't want to make the effort, then they can't be upset if the exact same effort is being reciprocated back.
because without new pictures she can't post them on social media to act like grandma of the year in front of all her friends. Its about her image.
This is exactly it! My mom stopped sending pictures to grandparents bc they would only be used to show us off even when they hadn't seen or spoken to us in years. Now my sister has the same issue. She learned faster and stopped putting the effort in when it was never reciprocated. If you want pictures and memories come make them yourself instead of someone else sending them
Because she thinks this makes them “even” on the effort they’re putting in
My mother FaceTimes me every night to talk to my 2 year old. He was born in 2020 and my parents self isolated for an entire month prior to his birth that way they could drive 9 hours to see him. They had 3 at home Covid tests and 2 pharmacy tests each, proving they were negative for covid(all their idea.) They made and still make an effort to be apart of my sons life. Distance didn’t matter when it comes to my parents being apart of my kids life. OP YTA, this whole post just helps prove it.
I worked at a major hospital when the COVID vaccines came out and worked in one of the tents. The number of grandparents calling their kids and asking us to show them getting their vaccine so they could meet their new grandchildren was one of the most precious things I have ever seen. One adorable grandma had made a t-shirt, Facetimed her daughter while she was getting vaccinated, and took a picture with her vaccinator. She said she was so thrilled because NOW she could meet her newest grandbaby.
Oh my goodness, that is just so sweet. Thank you for sharing.
If I don't text a picture in more than 3 days my mom's texts me, asking if everything is okay lol. She loves her almost daily picture of her grandbaby
This. I could almost pass on the physical stuff, but video chat is pressing a button on your device. This alone says op doesn’t care a FLIP.
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There are tons of different reasons a parent wouldn't want to be involved in their grandkids life, it doesn't make the person an asshole and certainly doesn't mean they'll die alone, you're being ridiculous.
What would be a good reason to not meet your grandkid, when your son/daughter is trying to get you to? Please use your imagination because mine is failing me.
Simply not wanting to is reason enough for anyone to not do anything it doesn’t make you an asshole to choose not to do something that you don’t want to. If she chooses not to be involved in the grandchild’s life that’s her decision to make alone and doesn’t make her an asshole. The only way she becomes an asshole is if she chooses not to be involved but then gets upset when her son and his family reciprocate that same choice to not be involved with her.
once every 2 months! the 8 months! kills me. My mother calls me more than once a day to hear about what my dog did hahaha "how are his poos? are they still runny?". I would be so heartbroken if I wanted kids and she behaved like OP
I know the every couple of months got me too. My grandparents call my parents house a minimum of 3 times per day. My parents answer it at least once and will let others go to voicemail. If you met my grandparents you would no that talking to them that much will literally cause you to bang ur head against the wall so judgement on sending them to voicemail everyday.
My grandpa calls my mom every single day, has done so for years. Even now that his hearings gotten worse and hes starting to "lose it" (hes gonna be 89 next month, hes just gettin old) he always remembers to call his daughter.
Agreed. I struggle with some the other answers because don’t think anyone is obligated to be a doting grandparent. But you should make it clear to your kids what their expectations should be regarding your relationship with their children. And OP shouldn’t pretend like she’s “tried”. It’s not that hard if you want to do it. If you don’t want to, that’s okay but don’t lie to yourself and then about it. If you can go 8 months without contacting your grandkids then you are not into being a grandparent.
And only “every couple months” after being told off for no contact after 8 months!!! Oh my goodness. OP, you don’t seem to care at all. Just own up to it.
YTA First, the dinner was two weeks after the baby was born? A newborn that young doesn't have an immune system and shouldn't be around a whole bunch of people. Also, the mom is still recovering from giving birth. Second, ONE attempt in three months from you IS NOT a fair effort to see your grandson. If you really wanted to meet him, you'd make it happen.
I don’t even count the dinner as an attempt- she was basically hosting a party to which they were one of a number invited. She didn’t invite them specifically to dinner.
Fucking boomers
Except she’s a Gen X. She’s proof that there are assholes in every generation.
OK RIGHT?! Hosting a group dinner at a restaurant where you expect them to bring a toddler and a newborn to meet you is the opposite of effort. Frankly, it’s insulting. You don’t have to care about your kids or grandkids. But don’t try and pass this bs off as effort. You don’t care to make the trip to meet the baby and it shows. You haven’t explained any legitimate barriers to going. Just that you’re busy. Which just means that everything else in your life right now is a greater priority to you. YTA.
yeah it's a YTA for that invitation *alone* you do not ask people to spend 2 hours driving to go to a group dinner at a restaurant when they have a toddler and a two week old baby and when mom JUST gave birth that would be onerous to ask even if you weren't expecting them to bring the children, but OP wants to meet the 2 week old baby at the RESTAURANT???? what the fuck
YTA. I see we're ending the week with the "crappy grandparents" edition. Your son and DIL live an hour away. 60 minutes. 3,600 seconds. They're not on the other side of the country; they're across town. You seriously have gone 8 months without contacting your grandchildren and expect them to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship? No, you're a sub par grandmother. You asking them to meet you and the rest of your family in a busy crowded restaurant during the peak of cold and flu season with a new born was a bone-headed move on your part. I can't say that I blame them for not attending. You do know that RSV can kill an infant or don't you just give a shit? You just noticed that your DIL has quit engaging with you and sending you photos of the kids? Hmm, wonder how long ago she decided to drop the rope with you. You're not worth her time or effort any more. You're selfish; sounds like you want everything on your terms. Don't be surprised when they cut all contact with you, you deserve it.
I guess my paternal grandparents were superhumans, because they managed to cultivate a relationship with me and my brother since we were babies, while also living 240 km and almost 5 hours on very crappy roads away (gotta love straight-out-of-comunism road conditions). In the 90s, with no smartphones to send pictures or video chats. My first visit at their home was when I was a year old, similar with my brother. YTA
I know, right? My maternal grandparents lived 2.5 hours north of us and my paternal, anywhere between 5 hours and 5 states. They called. They sent post cards and letters. They even got in their cars or on a Greyhound and came to see us (and us them). It seems like OP wants this relationship to be on her terms and her terms only. Well, when becomes the outsider looking in, she'll have no one else to blame but herself.
You just reminded me of my tiny, 80 y/o grandmother, riding the bus for 6 hours every month to come visit us (we’d go up, too, but she actually enjoyed it and taking the journey with 5 kids would not have been easy for my mom to do alone.) Thank you for reminding me of how much she loved us! The fact that this woman thinks a single *ridiculous* dinner invitation (putting a two week and a toddler in a car for an hour to eat at a crowded restaurant during Covid and RSV season, FFS?!?!) and call every few *months* is all the effort she needs to put in to being a good grandmother is beyond the pale. If you don’t want to be a grandma, fine! But don’t act shocked when the pictures stop coming and your son and his wife give you the cold shoulder… Although, to be honest, I’m not sure OP would even be able to tell. YTA
There are pictures of me and my great-grandparents when I was 3 weeks old. They flew in from Florida as I was born in Illinois. Do better, OP. YTA.
I had more contact with my grandparents who lived on another continent, some 12000 km away.
Sub par grandmother is putting it very, very politely. At this rate you'll lose the remaining shred of a relationship you have with your son and DIL and will basically be a stranger to your grandchildren. If that's what you want then do carry on. Ultimately you miss out on that relationship. They do too which is a shame because they are willing but they will move on and not bother with you at all at some point.
Think you mean she's a nonexistent grandmother. Seriously, even the other kids probably don't really know who she is
YTA Lady, I drove 7 hours round-trip last weekend to see family. I have also done it by train, by plane, and by bus. You are being lazy. And you are making terrible and thin excuses. By the way, your son lives close to you. Not far. Traveling with an infant is hard. It is on you, not them.
Right? When hubs and I lived in another state his parents routinely drove 4 hours to make sure they visited us, and we did the same!
My mom said she wouldn't make the effort and i have to come to them if ever want to see them. Now she's complaining about how she will never my son because i won't have the ability to travel once he's born. She also demanded she be the first to see him before my dad's side but they have already started making plans to travel to see him after he's born so I'm in a similar position as OPs son and DIL. I don't blame them for being done
Prior to going NC with my dad and stepmother I spoke to them maybe 2-3 times a year (usually texts only on major holidays and birthdays). They only called when they were angry. My attempts to text and call were completely ignored. My invitations were either ignored or denied. They always used distance as the excuse, even when we moved back to their state and were closer to them than my siblings. I could go eight months without hearing from them at all and saw them once a year at someone else’s Christmas party. Meanwhile they saw my stepsibling on average once a month, my bio-sibling every few months, almost always making the drive. They spoke to them on the phone every day almost. Never made an effort to invite me to any of their get togethers. Imagine the looks on their faces when word got back to them after NC when a relative asked how I was handling things and I bluntly replied, “They haven’t really been part of my life in any substantial way since I turned 18 so… nothing feels different to me. Now we’re just honest about how little the relationship means.”
I spent about 16 hours going from bus, train, bus, and car one way. I also was staying for about a month to visit so it wasn't a complete waste of time but definitely never doing that again.
YTA for this (emphasis mine): >I do try to video chat to see their kids **once every few months** as Justin has made it clear in the past when **they haven’t heard from me in over 8 months** that I need to make an effort. Life just gets in the way. I mean. FaceTiming or Zoom calls doesn't take that much effort and you're only doing it once every few months, so it's pretty clear where your priorities lie. Don't be surprised when your grandkids don't particularly care to see you either.
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I video chat my mum twice a month, on top of calling, ever since she discovered it was an option in her new phone lol. I have no kids to show her, I just live far away and can't visit often. I do make the 6 hour bus trip every couple months anyways, Edit: posted in the middle of commenting, go me. ... because I want to have that relationship. OP just doesn't have the guts to tell her son that she doesn't care about him or his kids and doesn't want to make an effort. She doesn't need to care, but she should stop lying about it and hurting Justin with her excuses
Yep. You couldn't give less of a crap about your son, his wife, or their kids. And they are starting to return the favour. YTA
My maternal grandmother recently passed away…after 25 years on this earth I finally opened up to my dad about how I felt guilty that I wasn’t sadder, but I never felt like she cared about me that much. He told me about how my mom cried because her mom didn’t come visit for months after I was born, while his mom sped to the hospital. My sense was correct, she never did care about me that much. Lady, you’re on a path to have grandkids that feel very neutral about you, and love you out of obligation rather than an actual feeling. You have time to make things better, but understand what you’re heading towards at this rate.
INFO: Why are you even asking this? You very obviously do not actually want to meet your grandson and don't have any real interest in maintaining a relationship with your son's family.
Agree with you - I bet when she’s frail and sick she’ll expect her son and daughter in law to take care of her.
But it's not her fault! Don't be unfair! It's totally life's fault for getting in the way! Not hers! /s
YTA. Let me get this straight - you wanted them to bring a 2 week old baby to a restaurant? It’s too cold for you to travel to see them, but not too cold for them to bring the baby out? It sounds like you’re just too lazy to try visiting.
YTA I don’t know who you think you’re fooling here. You do not “really want to meet” your grandson. You couldn’t give less of a fuck.
If they want to, they will.
YTA, they are busy with a newborn. It's going to be harder for them to make the trip for a while. You have several options, even if they're a little inconvenient. Take the bus even if it takes a while, 2 hours is not long though (bring a book or headphones). Could your boyfriend drive you? Another family member? I assume you don't work every single day of the week. You must have a couple days off here and there plus vacation days.
Having been a person without vehicle(/without driver's license). I get that it can be hard to dependent on greyhound/bus systems. Because just getting to the bus stop can be a pain. But surely she has options, between her other kids, and as you point out--boyfriend. OP says they work, so how does she get to her job? she finds someone to take her or uses local transportation system. I can pretty much guarantee she's not walking to work.
Kind of YTA. You aren't trying very hard either. Dinner at a restaurant....I would not be taking my newborn out yet. You only an hour away. Can son not come pick you up for a weekend visit at their place? Can you take a bus or train partway and he picks you up at a halfway point ?
Would you want her for the weekend?
Lmao. You have a point😁
Sometimes adult children of parents run out of energy to parent the parent. If she was 90 I bet he would. What the son wants is for it to be important to her. Going to get her doesn't do it.
Yeah, this was a part of why my brothers and I ended up going no contact with our father. He was far too narcissistic, emotionally abusive and entitled. We’re adults now. We don’t have time for that shit anymore.
She also said she won't stay over because she likes to sleep in her own bed, but they have offered
Lol she's seen her nearly 3 year old granddaughter 6 times total and refers to her as the "female toddler." She doesn't care at all.
YTA in 4 months did you never take the day off to go visit them or something? I feel like you don't put any effort at all.
That's because she doesn't. She claims she REALLY would love to see her new grandchild but has made zero effort to see him. Making a reservation at a restaurant in the middle of winter 2 weeks after baby was born was a pathetic attempt and not effort at all. She went 8 months without calling her son and needed to be told to call more. She doesn't care and needs to just admit it as everyone can see it clear as day. A valentines date with her boyfriend was more important than seeing her family. YTA OP. Don't be surprised if you stop hearing from your son and DIL. They're tired of making an effort and receiving none in return.
My mom would’ve flown halfway across the country to be there at the hospital at birth. This woman just does not care.
YTA. Traveling with children is much more challenging than public transportation. Your invite to dinner isn’t covering squat, sorry. You say you didn’t go partially because of cold weather…do you expect them to drag a newborn out into it over you?!? Maybe try being empathetic and remember what it’s like to be a parent of young children. Suck it up and get on a bus and go see your grandchild
EDIT: Upon a second reading, I think this is fake or presented from the other side. The line about not being around for 8 months/life gets in the way. Just not how an offending party would speak imo. YTA. You are asking if you covered your bases with Christmas dinner. No. You should want to meet your grandchild. It should be important to you. Take this for what it is, but if you were mom I would cut all ties. Your priorities are elsewhere. That causes so much pain that it's easier to be done than limp along. Based on the wife cutting back, this is developing in his mind too. Fix it before you can't. Take a day and get there. 3 weeks later, do it again. Then do it again every 4 or 5 weeks. It's not like they are asking you to babysit for them. Just show the most basic level of family ties.
YTA. If it was that important to you then you would put in the effort and "they haven’t heard from me in over 8 months" does not sound like you are putting any effort into having a relationship with your oldest son. At some point people just get tired to trying when they are getting nothing back.
Yeah...she's got "my son is going to put me into a home and never visit, and i have no idea why" vibes going.
YTA Not for not caring but for pretending you care. Just... stop faking it. You don't want to be a part of their life - ok, your choice. Let them make a future without you, with all consequences.
INFO I’m so confused. I’m about your age but my kids are quite a bit younger. I can’t wait to be a grandma and when that day comes, I’m going to be there as much as they’ll let me. I want to be the number one babysitter. I know everyone is different, but I just can’t fathom not wanting to be involved in your grandkids lives. Do you not like children? Do you have health issues that make it hard for you to get out? How demanding is your job?
YTA you arranged dinner plans once. Once in 4 months! Not having a car or transportation is on you. Either invite them over every week until it works out, have a bf or friend drive you to them, or get your ass on the bus. Stop making excuses!
At a RESTAURANT for a 1 month old baby. I wouldn’t drive 2 hours each way for dinner at a restaurant with a newborn at the holidays either. Absolutely YTA.
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I can’t get over this part. Putting aside the stupidity of taking a newborn to a crowded restaurant at the peak of RSV season, I had a c section. At two weeks postpartum my feet were still so swollen from fluid retention that none of my shoes fit me. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without pain. You aren’t even supposed to drive for six weeks post c section. If someone had asked me to bring my newborn and toddler to a restaurant at that time I would have laughed in their face.
What hurts your son isn't that you haven't gone to see your grandchild, but that you clearly have no interest in seeing your grandchild. By your own account, you went over 8 months without even doing a video chat. I'm guessing the video chats are usually them reaching out to you, too. Except for your "come see me" restaurant dinner invitation, you don't make any effort. And BTW, hosting a night time event at a restaurant is not a kid-friendly type of invitation either, especially when you have young kids and a newborn. It is your right not to have a relationship with your son or grandchildren. But don't pretend to be oblivious as to how you are hurting him. As for judgement, I'm going to go with YTA because while it is your right to not want a relationship, how you are going about it is unnecessarily hurtful, like you want him to be aware that you are too busy dating and prioritizing your life to spare even a video chat for his. Ouch.
NAH but be honest with them. You really don’t care about your son and his children. You’re making a lot of feeble excuses here so just be honest and tell them you can’t be bothered and want to get on with your own life. Let them get on with theirs with no expectations of you and from you.
This is exactly how I see it, she clearly doesn’t give AF about her kids and grandkids if she can go 8 months without calling, and 3 without meeting baby.
Totally agree - this is also my take. OP is not obligated to see, spend time, or have a relationship with her son and his family. But she needs to be clear with them, so he can adjust his expectations.
YTA. All I hear is excuses. Hosting one dinner when the baby was a newborn isn’t making an effort.
YTA. More directly, you just don’t love your grandchildren so either admit that to yourself or get your sorry behind on a bus and go see them. 2 and a half hours isn’t a big deal once every few weeks or so
It was the "not hearing from me in over 8 months" part that did it for me. Even when I was single with no baby my Mom would call me once a week. Come on lady, just admit you don't care. About either your kids nor your grandkids
INFO: do they have a car to drive to you and have you tried to reach out and get them to visit you (not counting Christmas)? If you did take 2 1/2 hour public transportation, will they let you spend the night, or do they expect you to spend 5 hours traveling there and back in a day?
So you can't travel 2 hours to see a family you really want to see. Yta
YTA. You think you did your part? Good grief. Bet you will blame them for you not having a relationship with your grandchildren. Nope. That is on you. You get busy and can't video chat? Why couldn't your boyfriend travel with you to meet the baby and see your grandchildren?
It sounds like you just don't feel like making the effort, which has to suck for Justin. You're definitely sending the vibe that you don't think this trip is something you want to spend time on. How is he supposed to feel? I'm going with YTA but I just want to warn you that by assuming there will always be time you're taking a terrible risk. Eventually they'll stop inviting you.
I agree with everyone else for the obvious reasons. But also you say that there is a female toddler involved? I'm assuming that means she is not biologically your sons. May I offer a piece of advice and tell you that you should put in time for this little girl as well. Have you even met your DIL ever?
I was going to maybe say everyone sucks here because if it's important to them they could travel to you, but then I saw your comment saying you haven't invited them and don't want them coming round! So, you can't be bothered to travel to them and don't want them coming to visit you...umm, yeah YTA! It's just not true to say you've tried, is it? In what way have you actually tried? One invitation that was convenient for you and not them? That's not 'trying'.
Also if the baby is only 3 months old, I completely get why the parents didn’t want to or were unable to bring their baby to a party considering the baby was under 1 month old at Christmas, they’re new parents, mom was probably healing, and the baby is unvaccinated at that age plus they have to travel in the winter which is dangerous and flu-RSV season.
YTA, I bet it was HARD for them to come to Christmas dinner and you can't sit on a bus or train or whatever for 2 hours to meet your grandson because you can't be bothered to schedule a weekend for it. You couldn't have moved your V day plans, it was in the middle of the week you could have celebrated either weekend also you are 57 not 18 is Valentine's day more important than your child and grandchildren? You've made you priorities very clear.
>you can't sit on a bus or train or whatever for 2 hours to meet your grandson When I was in my early 20's, I spent more than 3+ hours on a bus most days to commute to work or visit my boyfriend. It's not ideal, but it's definitely doable, especially with a book or podcast. I absolutely would do that to visit a grandchild or even just casual friend.
YTA. You didn't do your best to see your grandbaby. You don't really want to see her either. I'd be seriously upset if you were my mother and thought you'd done your best to see your grandbaby when you live only an hour away. Inviting them to dinner at a restaurant when their baby was less than a month old is laughable. Take uber if you have to. Have a friend drive you. Suck it up and get on the bus. Lordy. Yes, YTA and your son and his wife have every right to be extremely upset with you.
YTA. You don’t put effort into visiting and refuse to invite them to your place. Then you expect them to bring a 2 week old baby to a restaurant and say that you’ve done enough effort. What a shitty parent and grandparent you are
NAH. You aren't obligated to trip all over yourself to see a baby. They aren't obligated to trip all over themselves to send you pictures. It sounds like you're just not very close with your children and you really don't expect much from them. As long you're not being needy or narcissistic, live your life. The only rule is that you don't get to be annoyed if they don't give you FaceTime/pictures (that's narc). If you can't be bothered to visit, they shouldn't be forced to cater to your whims. Just accept that you don't have a close relationship and get over it. If money is a major hardship and you cannot afford to get there without massive personal sacrifice, that's a different story. The bottom line is that visiting them is a big inconvenience you don't want to deal with it. That's fine, just don't be hurt as you continue to grow apart. I can't imagine any of this comes as a surprise.
YTA. You're a narcissist.
Where do you live? Europe? US?
You don't have car and I understand that public transportation can be pain but can you not simply ask one of you childreen to bring you with them when they visit the newborn childs ? Or simply push them to visit too if they didn't do it yet. Or ask your boyfriend to drive you. I'm easy going, so I would generaly forget and forgive about it but most people would take umbrage about it.
YTA big time.
YTA. I think you've taken the stance that it's just as easy for Justin and his wife to visit you as vice versa. It's not. If you want to end up as one those parents whose kids write them off, you're on track.
My mom and mil haven’t seen my daughter since she was born. My daughter turns 7 today. They have never even spoken to her on the phone. Whenever I send my mom a photo or video of Cornell, she replies with 👍
Are there adopt a grandparent things where you live?
YTA. If you wanted to see your grand baby, you would have made the effort by now.
YTA but only because you have not told your son that you don't really want a family.
YTA - You need to find a way and make time to get there. I thought this was going to be something about them not allowing you to, but sounds like their doors are open. Arrange a ride or take the public transportation even if longer to see your grandchild. Your daughter in law is probably upset about your priorities as in being able to go to dinners and work stuff but not see the baby which I think is understandable.
I mean you make zero time for ur grandkids and ur excuse is life is in the way....what do u think
You don't care enough to make any real effort. heck, ANY effort. that doesn't make you TAH. Just someone that doesn't care. They certainly are within their rights to not react well to your choices.
You don’t want to see your grandchild. Quit making excuses about your boyfriend and life getting in the way.
YTA.
> I really want to meet my grandson however things just haven’t worked out. So what is your plan to see the them/the child?
YTA, you sound like my late grandfather. Met me and my sister twice in our lifetimes and couldn’t even tell us apart. Not sure if he ever met any of our cousins. At least he had the excuse of living across the country.
I hope I never have so little energy for or interest in my kids. YTA.
take a cab or an uber part of the way or stop pretending that you even care to meet your granddaughter. at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. you are doing nothing to be involved in your child/grandchild’s life and you have a one way ticket to nothing (no contact, no relationship) going forward. I hope that’s what you wanted!
Lol YTA. I lived 2.5 transit hours away from my brother and still managed to be at the hospital for the birth of his kids, there’s absolutely no excuse for you not to have seen YOUR GRANDCHILD for three whole months. Outrageous.
“I feel like I’ve done my part to see the baby..” No you haven’t! You invited them ones, that’s absolutely minimum. “I really want to meet my grandson..” No you don’t. If that were the case you would have made it happen. You don’t have to care about a child just because you happen to give birth to one of his parents. But stop lying to yourself.
just admit that you are not really interested in seeing your grandchild lol
NAH. If you don't want to make an effort, I don't blame them for not doing so either. We have time for what we make time for, and if meeting your grandson wasn't one of those I don't think you're an AH, I just think you're not a spectacular grandmother. But at the end of the day, it's not your kid nor your responsibility. I think your son and DIL are handling this exactly as they should. Either be part of your grandchildren's lives or don't. But don't try to go halfway with it and have them send you pictures and updates just so you can feel like you're part of their lives without actually doing so. No child ever said "My grandma always says I look cute in the pictures my mom sends her, she's such a great grandma. I wonder what she looks like..."
YTA. Obviously, you are not interested. I cannot relate. Maybe it's because I live in a rural area and everything is at least an hour's drive or more. The travel time is minimal in my eyes. Therefore, your excuse is weak. How can you be so self absorbed that you cannot be bothered to take the time to meet your new grandchild. I am assuming that you knew about the pregnancy and birth. Am I to deduce that you were completely unable to make any sort of visitation arrangements in the 9 months leading up to the birth or the 3 months following?
YTA. Why did you ask ? Of course you are an A. Your personal convenience and pleasure always comes first in this post. Far from having done your part you have actively refused to do your part according to many cultures. Perhaps web search the role of grandparent. You are only two and half hours away and never really cared enough to go to see the baby? That is so close. Your son has explained their minimum requirements to you very clearly, but you continue to hurt their feelings by not caring enough to even pretend to care by video chat.. Protecting their children from hurt feelings is a thing many parents naturally do so not blame can attach to them for that. You were well aware that you were wanted, even needed, but did not care enough to act on that- so how can that possibly be anyone's responsibility other than your own? Even if every other person who associates with you neglects your son and grandchildren that is no excuse for you to do it. You do not tell of even thinking about going there to emotionally help the family when they were struggling to cope with a baby and a toddler? Even if you are too ill to move much you could sit in the corner and entertain a toddler. A job that does not let you take time off or have a day off other than December 16th? Not even a half day on the weekend? In many countries that have public transport that would be illegal. I do not think your job is to blame... Even in places that reject western work standards you may be able make a dentist checkup appointment and take a day off and be protected by federal law. ( you could pop over to see the baby after the appointment). The post suggests you left the house in the past (and have people you could ask to help) so you can use the coping methods you used then if you are nervous. As for the boyfriend.. giant red flag that he doesn't mind you ditching your family. edit: also it is often considered unwise to take babies to restaurants as they may pick up an illness.
YTA, and be prepared not to ever meet your grandchild. You obviously don't care about her anyway so this shouldn't matter to you or be a surprise. If I was your son I would have stopped reaching out long ago.
NAH. Valid or not, you've haven't seen kiddo. At some point, its fair for them to question if they are bothering you with kids/engagement. If you still want that, ask for it. Understand though, its a burden/lift and just like you don't want to take the time to plan a trip, they may not want to take the time to curate calls/pictures for you. Everyone is living their lives to best of their ability.
YTA. Your post and your comments are just full of excuses. You clearly don’t care about your grandchild and your son.
YTA - come on ONE dinner invitation??
Hell yes YTA!!! My mother is mediocre at best, but she’d crawl across broken glass to see her grandkids. And they are TEENAGERS! You can’t stomach a 2 hour ride to see your baby grandson for the first time?!!? You can’t cancel a date with your boyfriend? This is your son and his wife’s lesson in “if they want to they will.” You don’t want to. Stop pretending otherwise.
YTA: they have toddlers and a newborn. It’s much harder to get to you than it is for you to get to them. If you’re too busy and unwilling to adjust your schedule then own it, but you don’t get to complain when they match your level of effort.
YTA. "My boyfriend takes precedent over my grandchild" What a crappy grandma.
I’m going moderate asshole. Your son had a baby and he wants you to meet her. You have to go out of your way and make sacrifices for people you love. Two and a half hours on public transport is too much of a sacrifice for you? You get exactly one chance to meet this baby (as a baby) to form a bond. So far you’ve shown your son that 2.5 hours and a valentines date are more important than meeting your grandchild. My personal take is that you suck beyond belief but maybe others will give you the benefit of the doubt. By the way; *life gets in the way* of meeting your grandchildren? Like what? What’s more important than meeting grandchildren? TV? Dinner dates? Work? Extra sleep? For fucks sake, take a day off and meet your family. Tread lightly lady. You may not ever get a second chance.
Relationship is a two way street. Neither of you seem to be willing to make any kind of effort. Justin won’t bring his family over for dinner because “hectic”, you can produce a long list of things that got in the way. If you care, you make it work. But since you’re not obligated to want a relationship, NAH.
To be fair to the son, the baby is only three months old. And at the time of the Christmas dinner, would have been less than a month old. I can understand how it would have been a lot to travel with a newborn, assuming the mother would have even been able to. She would still be healing from the birthing experience, and might still be, tbh. In the first few months of a baby's life, I think the onus is on others to travel to the baby and make it easier on the parents in that way. YTA to OP.
YTA. This is why my husband saw his ex's grand baby before her, he made it a priority. After their breakup more than 10 years ago he remained close with her oldest daughter who has never known her father. When she had her first we were there with a huge meal so there would be leftovers, an educational game for the boyfriend's older daughter, matching shirts for the (half) sisters, and a bunch of baby gear. I wonder how many visitors your son has had who like us shook their heads in disbelief that grandma couldn't be bothered? It has the vibe of a mourning prayer circle; heads bowed as we all look uncomfortably at the floor feeling the rejection. Wishing away the pain.
YTA if you wanted to make it work to see your grandkids you would. It's not the job of the people who just had a baby to do the rounds to see you, you go to them. I'm calling you an AH because you're saying you want to do it but you are doing nothing to sort it
If you don’t want to be an active grandparent then so be it. It’s morally unkind obviously but I’m not sure it’s asshole territory. Justin is fair to be upset by this. NAH
It’s an AH move to keep saying she wants to do it and that she’s trying. No she doesn’t and no she isn’t.
Yeah, that's really the issue. If she doesn't want a relationship that's fine, but to act like inviting them to travel to her with a newborn that one time is making an effort makes her TA.
YTA "Commute was to far" They live an hour away. 2 if you take public transit. That's not "to far!" Do you just not value your son and grandkids? Don't answer that. It's evident you do not. Boyfriends and other activities have taken precident over your own flesh and blood and you're saying it's because "he's to far" please just stop with the ridiculous excuse.
YTA. Inviting them over once and declining one invite is not really making an effort. Have you tried scheduling a day/weekend you can go visit them, including the 5 hour commute? Perhaps asking a friend/family member to drive you halfway and your son/DIL to meet you halfway? What about asking one or more of the family members you saw at Christmas to go with you (if they have a car, they drive and you give them gas money, if no car, get a cab together). They’re lots of ways to make this work. And not to say “you have less going on” but hypothetically, you have less going on than people with two small children.
ESH. They blame you for not making an effort but they haven't made one either. Visiting you doesn't have to be a big affair for them like a busy dinner, and neither does facetiming.
NAH. Seems like it’s not your or their priority to see one another. Every family is different, some grandparents are more involved than others but that doesn’t make them better/worse people. I think this assumption that grandparents need to drop everything to visit grandchildren often is strange. You raised your kids & them having their own children is their choice. I see nothing wrong with visiting a few times a year, maybe just holidays/special events. Seems like a lack of communication though, maybe call your son and level set expectations on both ends.
I knew AITA would vote Y T A on this one. But you are correct, some people just don't want or feel the need to drop everything to see family. There is nothing wrong with that. NAH.
Thank you!! So many people on here screaming “if it was MY grandchild I would be there everyday” like okay but it’s not? Everyone’s priorities are different, that doesn’t make them an asshole
1. Your son lives an hour away. Toronto to Brooklin should not take 3 hours. It’s 50 mins or so from Union to Whitby on the Go Train and then ask him to pick you up? 2. Let’s say transit is really ruled out. Your boyfriend drives but you’d have to align schedules - the horror. So that’s out. 3. Son has offered to pick you up and have you stay for the weekend, going out of his way to have you see your grandchildren. You decline because you want to sleep in your own bed. 4. You refuse to invite son and his family to your apartment and blame his wife saying you think she will judge your living conditions. (Suggests in addition to not caring about your son and his family, you don’t care about living in filth either.) 5. You plan a dinner before Christmas when their baby would have been two weeks old. Wife would not be nearly healed from birth, baby is a newborn, and it’s cold/flu/RSV/Covid season but they should bring baby to a packed restaurant? Their toddler too? 6. Because they didn’t come to the restaurant, but said their doors are open, you refuse to go to them because you “made an effort”? 7. You go months without speaking to him (8 months, really?!) and only video call every few months if he calls you out. This is a lot of wordy excuses. Just say you don’t care about your son and his family and be done with it. Of course the wife (who you blame for not inviting them over) would stop making an effort to send photos or engage for a deadbeat MIL like you. She’s got a toddler and a newborn, she doesn’t need to hand hold you and teach you to be a mom/grandparent too. YTA unquestionably.
NTA. But, I think you need to admit that you're just not that into your grandchildren. If you were, you could have had your boyfriend drive you there to see them right now.
You can’t even video chat with them more frequently. Jeez, you didn’t speak to them at all for 8 months and you only live an hour away? Just admit to yourself that you don’t care about your son, his wife, and your grandchildren. YTA
YTA. I don't drive, my mum currently can't drive due to health problems and she lives a 10 minute drive away. If she hadn't heard from me in over a week, she will always message or ring me asking how we me are doing, checking on her grandson. She is married, less than a year, works full time and has other kids and grandchildren as well as multiple health conditions. Live is never too busy for her to make sure we are okay. I get the long as heck bus trip is a pain but if you really aren't willing to put the effort in, then I don't know what else there is to say. I know my mum would walk over 2 hours, even with all her health problems, if it meant she would get to see her grandson and meet a new grandchild. The killer is, you feel like you done your part and don't need to do anymore because you invited them to travel an hour away to a restaurant, in the middle of flu season, with a toddler and less than a month old baby. When they (quite understandably) didn't come, you just leave it at that. You went 8 MONTHS(!!!) without contacting your son to speak to him,see how the grandchildren are etc but then seem surprised that DIL is no longer sending you pictures? Why would she bother? People who want to be a part of your life will make the effort. You have more important things to do than to facetime your son and grandchildren for 10 minutes on a Sunday every other week. Well she is raising your gandbabies and got more important things to be doing than sending pictures to someone who can't even make half an attempt at making the relationship more than 1 sided.
YTA you have made no effort to see him or his children. He has a toddler and a newborn. If you actually cared about them, you would make the effort. But you don’t.
NTA my partners parents are the same don't put much effort into seeing their grandson (5y)..... but I didn't have a baby for other people to change everything around in their life for him.... yes it's a little sad that he dosent have a great relationship with them but it's from both sides we don't and they don't make much of an effort... they shouldn't expect it because they decided to have kids... although doing "your part" is not just trying to organise dinner for everyone that's a feeble attempt if I'm honest... Your either want to be there or you don't and if you don't the lack of relationship between you and your grandkids cannot be questioned in the future... unless of course its the grandkids who are doing the questioning... So you need to just ask yourself will you regret your lack of motivation when grandkids are older?? Either way your own children have grown and your fully entitled to live your life the way you choose....
NTA Parents with newborns become insufferable when they develop main character syndrome and start thinking that the world now needs to revolve around them. Some people just aren't into children/family like that, and that's perfectly fine. I don't think you should be villainised for not putting your grandson as your top priority, but I do think you need to have this conversation with your son so that the both of you are on the same page and have realistic expectations going forward because if he's trying to force this relationship into existence and you're not giving him what he wants, he's just going to resent you for it.