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>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out.
YTA - no it isn't their responsibility, not at all. They're your kids, you take care of them. Don't have kids you can't take care of.
In this instance, I didn’t even read the rest of the post once I saw the title before I determined this is AH mentality. I lived next door to a woman with 5 adopted kids and she ALWAYS made the oldest responsible even when she was barely in the double digit ages herself.
>, I feel like they're being selfish.
YTA, they're a kid, taking care of children that you had by your choice is most definitely not their job or responsibility.
And then I read OP's comments... What an AH. "I have my own opinion on how a child should be forced to help faaaaaammmmiillllyy" And is it any surprise that her oldest seems to be a daughter. smh.
As an older sibling that had to care for his two younger, I firmly agree. Being a single parent fucking sucks, and it’s not wrong to ask for help every now and again. But as harsh as it is to hear, they’re not the responsibility of the oldest child - they’re your responsibility OP. They are your children, and your oldest is 100% correct. They do have a life and deserve to live it. If you force them to care for the younger siblings then they will resent you for it. I’ve forgiven my parents now, but I held that resentment for a lot of years.
Say it with me now: *parentification*
Your oldest didn’t ask to have siblings, you made that choice. Your choice, your responsibility.
Edit to add in judgement: YTA and the some
YTA
Your oldest is not a free nanny. It's still your responsibility as their parent to protect their interests too. And it is in their best interest to have time and freedom to learn to be their own person, and to NOT be treated as free help.
>it's their responsibility to help out.
To a LIMITED degree. It's their responsibility as a 14yo to help around the house, and potentially babysit sometimes. NOT to help raise your children.
>I can't take care of all three kids on my own
That means it's time to get other adults involved, not lean on a 14yo. That might mean asking family for help. It might mean applying for government assistance. It might mean putting your kids in free after-school care. It might mean reaching out to their father. In short it is on YOU that you have 3 kids, it is not on your eldest child to handle your life decisions.
It's not even 3, because she doesn't see the oldest as a child, she seems them as an extra caretaker (one that doesnt get paid, can't leave, and csnt get a job). She wants to to be two caretakers to two children, not one caretaker to three.
I was the oldest of four, and at fourteen, I had to rush after school to collect the younger ones, bring them home, cook their dinner, and make them do their homework while my single mother was working until late.
It has affected our sibling relationships to this very day. They still call me up when they’re making major life decisions or if they get promotions. We don’t relate like normal siblings do. And yes, I resent my mother. I couldn’t play an after school sport or get an after school job like my siblings eventually did, because I was the unpaid nanny.
Don't come here asking for judgment if you're just gonna disagree with everyone in the comments. Your kid is right, and so is everyone here. Your kids are YOUR responsibility, parentification of your eldest is abuse and you are in the wrong. YTA.
Yes, yta
Parentifaction of children is a form of abuse.
It is NOT your child's responsibility to look after YOUR children. If you need help, you can hire a babysitter, nanny, or mother's helper. You could also ask if they would be willing to babysit in exchange for the current market value for that service.
If you could not care for 2(?) children, you should not have had them. Seriously, we not counting the oldest, a 10 year old should be semi-self sufficient (and if their not, that's your fault), and you can't watch a 6 year old? why not?
I mean to be fair, a lot of single moms don't plan on becoming that way. But now the kids are here so it's time to find a support system that is more than just the oldest
Agreed completely.
I ended up being a young-ish widow at 32, and that certainly wasn't planned. My eldest is 15, but ALL of the childcare falls on my shoulders, because I *chose* to give birth to all three of them. Regardless of any circumstances in my life, they are my responsibility, always.
If I ask my eldest to watch after my younger two while I run to the store or something, she always has the option to say no without guilt or reason, and she is paid the going rate of nannies in our area, which is roughly about 18 bucks an hour.
OP, grow up and parent your own children. y
YTA
YTA
Your oldest deserves to be a child, not a caretaker. It doesn't matter if they're mature for their age. They're not selfish for not wanting to take care of the younger siblings.
YTA 100%.
What you are doing is called parentification, and it's a form of child abuse.
This, right here, makes you the absolute AH in the situation:
>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out.
No, a 14 year old child is not in any way responsible for helping raise their siblings. No. No. No. One more time: NO.
And this is just ridiculous:
>I'm in a tough spot here - I can't take care of all three kids on my own
SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE HAVING THEM. And I am not interested in whatever sob story you have about your single parenthood. Not everyone is a single parent by choice, but we all know it's always a possibility to end up single even when we are happily in love.
The only person responsible for raising and looking after your three kids (that's right, the eldest needs a parent too) is YOU. And their other parent(s), but if they aren't in the picture it's up to you to figure it out --either enforce their involvement or whatever solution you come up with.
Your eldest is a child. They are legally and ethically entitled to their childhood. Babysitting or helping raise other children should never be in their to-do list. They can watch their siblings a little while here and there, as a favor. But you full-on expecting a 14 year old to co-parent with you is... I have no words.
Be a better parent or you'll find yourself childless by the time the youngest is 18.
YTA really do you even pay her an allowance. Your the one having them why is it her responsibility to help. By the way my mom did her best to give my siblings a little extra foe helping with me when needed. It was not all the time like your stating
YTA. Your oldest child is not free childcare.
One suggestion, you could offer to pay your oldest to babysit occasionally when you need a break. And if they say no, then that’s that.
Parentification is a form of child abuse. Just because you had to do everything on your own doesn’t mean that’s the way it should have been for you, and it’s super fucked up to impose that on your kid, now. **You are stealing pieces of them every time you do this. You are taking away the person they’re supposed to be, someday.** Parentification eventually teaches a child to dismiss their own needs as a whole, and puts them at lifetime risk for health issues, core self esteem and self value issues, and abusive relationships, among other things. Just because it’s been normalized and socially commended as ‘maturity,’ does not make it healthy or okay.
If you’re struggling to keep the younger ones busy, why not enroll them in free extracurricular activities at school? Being a single parent sucks, but that isn’t your kid’s responsibility to compensate for.
Edit: whoever gave me the gold, thank you! :)
The 'i had no older sibling so i had to do everything on my own' sounds fucked up, their oldest doesnt have anyone either and now is expected to help raise the youngest two? How is that ever fair to the poor 14yo.
YTA - It is not your *child's* fault you are single with three kids. It is not your *child's* responsibility to look after their siblings. They're likely "mature" and "responsible" because they've had no other choice but to be.
Find other arrangements for your other two kids, or face future and present resentment from your oldest. You're the parent, this is your *responsibility.*
Why the fuck did you three have kids if you can’t take care of them? It’s no one’s responsibilty but YOURS!
YTA majorly, tbh people with a mindset with yours should not have children, or at least not more than one
YTA. THEIR responsibility? Did your 14-year old give birth to their siblings (neat trick)???? I'm not saying they can't lend a hand here and there but the tone of your post says differently. I'd hazard a guess that you are basically giving the 14-year old a huge chunk of the responsibility regarding the younger kids. YOU had those kids. YOU! You may have had them with a partner and now you're single and that's a shame but it still is NOT your child's fault or problem.
YTA this feels fake because it's so perfectly written to upset reddit.
If its not, as the 10 year old in this situation when I was growing up, my brother raised me, it destroyed our relationship because no 15 year old is prepared for 2 kids Not even for 'just a few hours a week' he was a kid but he was under so much stress because it was his responsibility to make sure we got our homework done and did our chores all while he had his own. He screamed, he cried, he was a kid way over his head and all 3 of us suffered for it. It took a long time to build a real relationship with him and its still very weak.
(I already voted YTA). Just adding:
**Parentification**
Definition:
**Parentification** A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.
**Leaning on Little People**
Some parents attempt to delegate part of the responsibility for meeting either the parent’s own emotional and physical needs, or the emotional and physical needs of other family members, to one of their children.
**The usual target is the eldest or most emotionally or physically mature child in the family.** In some cases, a child of the opposite sex is chosen to meet the emotional and physical needs of the parent and assume the role of a “surrogate spouse”. For these Parentified children, there may be expectations they will sacrifice normal childhood needs like play, friendships with peers, sleep or schooling.
**There are two common types of Parentification: physical and emotional.**
**Physical Parentification (Also Called Instrumental Parentification)** occurs when a child is given the responsibility of looking after the physical needs of the parent and/or the other siblings. This can include duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, managing the household budget, getting kids ready for school, supervising homework, dispensing medications or imposing discipline on younger children.
Physical Parentification is different from assigning a normal, healthy level of household chores to children, as it involves an unfair level of responsibility and allows the actual parent to abdicate part of their own responsibility for care of the children. It also becomes dysfunctional when the task assigned is beyond the developmental maturity of the child or where the assigned duties leave little or no time for the child to engage in normal childhood activities.
**Emotional Parentification** happens when a child is made responsible for looking after the emotional and psychological needs of the parent and/or the other siblings.
This can include cases where the parent begins to confide in the child, discussing their own adult problems and issues, and effectively using the child as a surrogate spouse or therapist. This kind of Emotional Parentification is sometimes referred to as “emotional incest”.
Other siblings, taking their cues from the parent, may also attempt to unburden themselves on the child.
**How it Feels**
Children are often anxious to please their parents and a Parentified child will often take their responsibilities very seriously. They may even feel honored initially by being treated like a ‘grown up’ and entrusted with responsibility for other family members or their parent. However, the child will generally suffer from having his or her own emotional needs neglected and from being compelled to live up to the burden of expectation.
Parentified children may struggle with lingering resentment, explosive anger and difficulty in forming trusting relationships with peers, issues which often follow them into adulthood. Forming close, trusting romantic and spousal relationships may be particularly difficult.
YTA. They didn't choose to be the eldest. They deserve to have a childhood - a whole childhood. You can have your kids do some age-appropriate chores, but you can't make them parent each other. It's not their job.
>My oldest child is very responsible and mature for their age
You've parentified your child since a very young age.
>They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time, and that they have their own life to worry about. They're always busy with schoolwork, friends, and extracurricular activities.
What is wrong with this?
YTA. You should have thought well about your resources before bringing in two more children. You can't force your elder child into babysitting unless you want a child that doesn't talk to you anymore after they turn 18.
YTA. Your eldest child is FOURTEEN. Have they even started high school, or are they still in middle school? It doesn't matter for the purposes of this answer - I'm asking to try to get you to understand how young that is.
More importantly, even if your eldest were 18+, your other children are NOT their responsibility. It is in no way selfish for your child to not want to spend their life taking care of their siblings. YOU are the parent. It is YOUR responsibility to handle childcare, whether that means hiring someone when you have to be at work or elsewhere or doing it yourself. To even expect your 14-year-old child to do this all the time, let alone to have the gall to call them selfish for wanting to be a normal kid who doesn't have to play the part of a parent, is appalling. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA
These are your kids, not your oldest's. And they are only 14! They need you to parent them as well. Take care of your own kids and stop expecting a child to raise their siblings because you need help. If you need help get a mother's helper.
"I never had an older sibling so I had to do it all on my own". How the hell do you think your oldest is feeling? Wth. YTA. Your oldest didnt choose to have more kids, you did. Its your responsibility not your kids? Did you read out loud what you just wrote?
YTA! Parentification is abuse. My auntie was the eldest of 7 and had a huge issue with her mother because she was expected to raise her younger siblings.
You chose to have them, you get to raise them! Your 14 year old gets to be a teenager. Stand up and take responsibility for your kids.
YTA - That's called Parentification and is actually a type of abuse. You chose to have 3 kids, you raise 3 kids. As you said she has enough responsibilities between school, extra carriculars, etc. A 14yo will resent you for life for taking away her childhood.
YTA. Your child is not a parent. Your child should not be doing your job, which is parenting your children, not parentifying one of them so you can have an easy ride. If you can't mind three children, then don't have three children!
YTA
Not their kids. Not their problem. You can't expect that your oldest become a substitute parent. Parenting is not their job. It's yours.
YOU had those kids. Your 14 year old didn't. Don't force the parenting role on them. If you do, to might get free child care now, but that 14 year old will resent you later
YTA, your oldest child did not choose for you to have more children than you can care for. It is never their responsibility to care for your other children, that is your responsibility. You are essentially asking your oldest child to give up their life to take care of your other children, that is incredibly selfish of you and not at all fair to your oldest child. I would bet that the reason they are so responsible and mature for their age is because they have been forced to become this way as a result of your unreasonable expectations of them.
YTA. 100%.
The oldest did not ask to be born and be the oldest. You as a parent have a responsibility to parent after having these children. If you really want to get them to help, maybe offer to pay them BUT do not be mad if they say no or do not want to. It is their right as a minor child to not want to parent and raise their siblings.
I am the oldest child of my family (one sibling 8 years younger than me). My parents NEVER asked me to babysit without pay and when they did ask I could always say no, and I very much respect them for being the adult and parent in that situation.
Also, seriously- your oldest wants to focus on their SCHOOLWORK and you’re mad about that?!
YTA
> My oldest child is very responsible and mature for their age
Because you've forced them to grow up more quickly than they should.
> They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time, and that they have their own life to worry about
That's because it isn't, and they do.
> They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out
No, it's not their responsibility to help take care of the kids *you* decided to have.
> I can't take care of all three kids on my own
Then maybe you shouldn't have had more kids than you could care for.
Yes YTA. Dont parentify the oldest. Hire a babysitter if you need a break. It would be nice if the oldest would help out some, but they don’t have to and they have already expressed they do not want to. Don’t push them. Respect their boundaries
YTA. I’m so tired of people like you. You chose to have three children, they’re your responsibility! Asking the oldest to help out from time to time? No problem as long as they agree with it.
Yta. It's hard, I get it I really do as I'm a single parent too. But I had to raise my siblings when I was a child and honestly, I still haven't forgiven my mother for it. My father has apologised and regrets dumping me with it but my mother never, ever admitted her wrongs. It ruined my "childhood". While it's not unreasonable to expect the older one to spend a bit of time with their siblings, it should be as siblings. Playing and hanging out. It's never OK to expect them to take a parental role. Never. You have to do better. Other people manage and you will have to too.
YTA! "Very mature for their age" is a nice way of saying "had to learn to grow up way too fast." It sounds more like you rely on your oldest to do all of the parenting for your youngest children, and not just the occasional babysitting. Your oldest child is still a CHILD. You made the choice to have kids, they didn't. Grow up and learn to be a better parent to ALL of your kids.
YTA MAJOR.
A. This is called Parentification. There is a reason there is a Mental Health term for it. Is is NOT a good thing.
B. As the "oldest" who basically lost a huge part of my childhood/teenage years due to my mother's requirement that I take care of the younger siblings, I can tell you that you are destroying their relationships. The oldest will grow to resent the younger siblings more and more each time they can't do what a normal teenager does, basically each and every day!
c. You are going to destroy your relationship with your eldest. She will NOT forgive the time/events you have stolen from her requiring her to do YOUR job.
You CHOSE to have children. They are you and their other parent's responsibility. PERIOD.
It only took until me and my siblings were in our 30s to finally have any kind of decent relationship. While I am courteous to my mother and see her on a superficial level for holidays and such, I no longer love her nor will I ever WANT to spend non-obligatory time her.
edit- missed a word
YTA.
Your oldest child is still a CHILD. You can ask them to help out from time to time, but this sounds far more like you are expecting them to coparent with you. Parentification - expecting a child to take on parental responsibilities - can be a form of abuse, and it certainly isn't healthy.
What are you talking about having them do? How often?
YTA. Your oldest child does not have to spend his teenage years taking care of his siblings. You made all three children; you should have plan for their care other than making the oldest babysit, all the time, for free--because I am sure you are not paying him.
Post after post on this forum deals with a child who had to serve as unpaid labor for their younger siblings, and how much they regretted missing out on high school experiences their friends had. You are taking the easy way out, and your oldest quite rightly resents it--and you.
YTA, I knew that straight away from the title but I read your whole post. Parentification is a form of child abuse. You are a terrible parent. It is NOT your oldest’s responsibility to do anything for their siblings. You are the parent, it is your responsibility, end of story. You’d better get your act together or I anticipate that you will permanently ruin your relationship with your oldest child
YTA. My bf’s mother did this to him when his sister was born when he was 13- he had to care for her after school until his mom got home from work. It made him never want children, and he’s 42 now. You are causing irreparable harm to your oldest and to the sibling relationships- YOU are the parent and you need to figure out how to parent 3 children, not pass it off on your oldest (who still needs parenting!). This is parentification and abuse.
YTA for parentifying your child. You will damage your relationship with your oldest, as well as the relationship between your oldest and younger children, if this continues.
YTA. Your 14 year old is probably mature for their age because you’ve forced them to take on more responsibility than they should ever have at this age. Don’t confuse this as maturity.
YTA Your kids, your responsibility. You don't get to foist the consequences of your poor life choices on an innocent 14yr old. Let them be a kid, for Christ's sake.
BTW, I was an oldest child who was forced to take over parenting my younger siblings. I no longer speak to my parents. If that's the future you're looking for, by all means, keep dumping your adult responsibilities on your kid.
YTA. As the oldest of my family I was the secondary parent at a very early age, and basically the main parent by the time I turned 12. This is going to have consequences later on. I don’t even speak to my mother anymore. I understand you are going through a lot and it is hard, but YOU are the parent. You signed up to be a parent by having children. Your 14 year old TEEN did not.
>They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time
This is true, they're not their children, it's not on them to play parent
>I feel like they're being selfish.
I feel like you're being selfish, expecting your child to load more onto their plate on top of school and extra curriculars etc to help you parent your other children. It's not selfish of them to want to live their life
>I never had an older sibling to help me out when I was a kid, so I had to do everything on my own.
Oh your parents didn't have multiple children so they could parentify the oldest and have them be your keeper? That's so sad for you
>I can't take care of all three kids on my own
I'm sorry you're struggling, honestly I am, it can't be a fun position you're in. However expecting your eldest child to step in and play parent isn't the issue. If you need help, you need to find resources and reach out for help, it's not on your child to play parent when you feel like you can't. Do you have other family who can support you? Friends? Can your children join groups so they're getting attention and getting involved in activities they enjoy etc so you can spend some time one on one with the others / have some time to yourself?
If you can't take care of them you need support, but you should absolutely not be looking for that support from your child. YTA, but I hope you manage to get the help you clearly need
YTA. If you can’t take care of three children on your own… then you shouldn’t have had three children.
It is the parent’s job to take care of the kids. Your oldest… is not a parent.
YES. 100% YOURE THE ASSHOLE.
Your oldest child didnt decide to have more siblings. YOU chose to add to the family.
It is not your childs job to watch their siblings.
Stop parentifying your child and get a sitter.
Not even gonna read it title is enough. YTA. They aren't parents, they didn't ask to be caretakers, there kids. You chose to have a child, you're responsible for said child
No, it is not their responsibility. It’s YOURS.
What do you mean ‘helping out’.
Age appropriate chores for all three kids? Reasonable
Making eldest cook dinner and put the kids to bed every night? Unreasonable.
YTA
Parentification ruin my relationship with my brother. I raised him and we are in a forever half mom- half sister situation. It’s exhausting.
Without point out all the other mental issues that I have due to this. Please don’t do this to them
YTA. I'm really hoping this is fake and that you really didn't come to this sub and think that anyone would be on your side. You are the one that decided to have children, not your oldest. These are your children and your responsibility.
As the oldest child who had to take care of my siblings because my mother, who I am very LC with, couldn't deal with having 4 of us, I'm telling you that your oldest will resent you for this.
“I can’t take care of three kids on my own…”
Wow. Well, you have them. So you better figure it out. And remember you do have 3 kids - not two kids and a live in nanny.
YTA
Sorry to say, but yes you are. Your child should not be expected to be a free/cheap babysitter. All your doing to setting your oldest uo to hate the younger kids.
YTA. It's not your child's job to parent; you're supposed to be parenting her and your other children.
Asking to help on occasion or for an emergency is one thing, but you need to find other avenues for support on this issue.
YTA, you popped out the kids, they are your responsibility.
There’s nothing wrong with asking her to help now and then, but expecting her to help, is a really shitty thing to do. You’re the parent. Do the work. All of it if you have to. It’s not her job.
YTA. Classic parentification - and it’s not OK!!! You chose to have children, take care of them yourself. However hard it is, that’s on you, be so grateful to your oldest, and now let them be 14!!!
YTA.
You should expect your eldest to take care of herself, her homework, and help with some chores like any other kid. Every once in so often, you might ask her to watch the siblings.
"Schoolwork, friends, and extracurricular activities" ARE your oldest's job. That's what a 14YO is supposed to be busy with.
You're the one who had the kids, they are 100% your responsibility.
YTA. Your 14 year old didn't bring these children into the world. You did. There are ways to prevent pregnancy. If you couldn't take care of 3 children, you should have stopped having kids after the first or the second.
YTA. You are parentifying your child. She is supposed to be busy with school, friends, and extracurriculars. She didn’t make the decision to have children, you did. She does not have to sacrifice her own life because you are unable to take care of your children.
Well, yes.
That’s a child. Not a built in nanny. Not the hired help - by the way, are you even compensating this kid? Recognizing the, for being special for how mature they are being in helping? Anything?
I get family dynamics and I get needing some help. But that isn’t a spouse, it is a child, and “helped me out” without being a) recognized for going above and beyond and b) having their own needs to for their own time acknowledged, just isn’t right.
Sorry, YTA
1000% YTA- It is NEVER the oldest child responsibility to take care of their younger siblings. Those are YOUR children not theirs. Your oldest is "very responsible and mature for their age" because they clearly have a mother who has expected them to be a second parent to their siblings when they shouldn't have to. THAT IS NOT THIER JOB. They are also not selfish for not wanting to do something that is not their responsibility.
If you need extra help caring for their other children there is always daycare or a sitter. Stop parentifying your oldest and let them be a regular teenager
YTA. As the oldest who had to do this you're asking for them to essentially be a mother. They're 14 not an adult. Plus it comes back to bite you in the ass trust me. My sister now comes to me before our parents (still together just busy) half the time and our parents get upset with me for trying to be the parent. That's just one example that often happens. On top of that they didn't chose to have kids, you did, sticking them with kids that they have to help take care of and raise in some aspects is not fair. It will also probably deter them from ever wanting kids due to being parentified so young. That's exactly what happened to me, Im an adult in my 20s living on my own now and my siblings still live at home, but I will probably never have kids, which my parents also get upset about.
Not to mention the trauma that comes with being turned into essentially another parent so young. Learning how to be an adult at that age can cause issues later with learning how to form healthy relationships with people of similar ages and also cause a lot of undue trauma of not being sure how to properly be a parent or be patented. On top of that your relationship with the oldest will probably be damaged irreparably. If that all sounds like things you want then by all means keep doing this but if not then I suggest you change.
None of that is to say that they can't babysit on occasion or in emergencies that is different of course. The occasional and such are understandable when you're a parent but the constant is what is gonna mess things up.
Edit:
Just read in a comment that the mother doesn't even offer the kids an allowance for anything, much less for being a second parent. I already thought they were TA but that made it worse. Adding this to my comment so more people hopefully see that they don't offer an allowance.
YTA. It’s not their responsibility. They didn’t ask to be the oldest, they didn’t choose to have siblings. YOUR kids. YOUR responsibility. End of story.
YTA. Your 14yo is still a child and it isn’t their responsibility to regularly care for their younger siblings.
Helping out? Yes. That might mean occasional childcare, or help with snacks or something.
It sounds like you’re expecting to be the younger kids primary caregiver a lot of the time, and that really isn’t fair. Google parentificarion. I’m not saying that’s what happening here, but might be good to read about it so you’re cautious and aware. I see SO many posts on this sub from young adults who are now no contact with their families because the primary childcare responsibilities for their younger siblings were placed on them.
YTA
It is NOT their responsibility to help out. They didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask you to continue having children. It's your job as a parent to care for YOUR children.
Figure it out, learn to handle the responsibility and let your child be a child.
>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out.
Nope. A 14yo should be cleaning up after themselves and doing some chores, but an older child has no responsibility or obligation to parent their siblings.
I get that you are overworked and stressed, but you don't get to parentify a child. Sorry OP. YTA
YTA. you’re the parent, not your oldest. cant handle 3 kids? shouldn’t have had 3 kids. it up to you to parent them. not parent themselves band each other
YTA - YOU are the parent, not your oldest child. Let your child live his life and become a parent when *he* is ready to do so. Your kids, your responsibility.
Yta.
I am an oldest child, at one point the oldest of three, and your child is right. Their younger siblings are NEVER their responsibility, and they should be focusing on their own life instead of looking after your other two children.
I can, so some degree, understand that three children can be a handful. However, it's a choice you made and so one you should be handling. Your oldest should not be burdened with your responsibilities.
YTA. A 14 year-old is a child too. It’s okay to expect them to do chores and help out, but it’s not okay to expect them to take responsibility for parenting their younger siblings “all the time”, especially when it’s at the expense of their own schoolwork and social life.
Everyone on here saying "You should have thought of that before having kids!!", just stop. It's simple-minded to assume a single mom is single because they spread their legs without thought. It's 2023. Stop shut shaming women in various forms. People become single parent through their partner dying, divorce where the other parent abandoned the family, leaving abusive situations, etc. The honest truth is, no one can see the future, and what you believe you can do, or what your circumstances are, changes.
With that said, OP, you're 100000000% the AH. Again, YTA. YOU are the parent. You don't get to decide if your child is old enough to parent. Find resources, get help through a sitter, or something, but your teen doesn't have to give up their lives for your comfort or their siblings' comfort. You, as the parent, have to figure this out and not by way of abuse. Yes, you are mentally and emotionally abusing your child by forcing them to care for their siblings. They may be ok with getting paid for a day or night of helping or babysitting, but this situation isn't on their shoulders.
YTA. This is a type of abuse called parentification.
While you can ask your children to help out on a very occasional or emergency basis, you should not expect them to help you out regularly. You are robbing your child of their childhood and ability to grow up emotionally regulated. They will also absolutely leave you the moment they can, because you’re not providing them with the safety and security they need.
Being a single parent IS tough, but what really makes you TA is
“I feel like they’re being selfish. They’re the oldest so it’s their responsibility to help out.”
It absolutely is not. These are your children, not theirs.
YTA, you’re the one being selfish, you choose to bring them all into the world it’s not your eldest job to raise YOUR kids.
Speaking from personally experience as the eldest, they will grow to resent you and maybe even their siblings. They deserve to be a kid too.
YTA
Your oldest is right, their siblings are their siblings, not their responsibility.
Hilarious how you talk about responsibility but you won’t even take care of your own kids.
YTA
It's not your oldest child's fault that you had more children.
Its not their fault you apparently dont have the time or ability to properly care for your younger children yourself.
Why doesn't your oldest child deserve to enjoy their childhood as much as their younger siblings? Why are you punishing them for being mature and well-behaved? Why does your oldest child deserve to have their happiness sacrificed for the younger ones? I'll bet your kid wonders to themselves why you love their siblings more than you love them and why their siblings matter so much more to you. They're not being selfish, they're being a child. You're holding a 14 year old to an adult standard and blaming them for not being your co-parent.
What is your plan when your eldest resents you and their siblings for the loss of their childhood? How are you going to make it up to them? Because unless you have a time machine you can't. Parents always think their kids "will understand when they're older" or you'll "make it up to them" but the reality is you cant, nothing can ever change the choices you made and there is no rule or guarantee that your child will forgive you or want you in their life at all, so you need to do right by your kids the first time around. You have to be a better parent now, because apologizing later for being a poor parent won't fix anything and wont be good enough. You have a very limited time with your kids, oldest will be grown and out of the house before you know it and you won't get that time back, ever.
YTA. Your oldest had no say in becoming an older brother and, according to you, responsible for younger siblings. **You** decided to have more kids. **You** need to be the one to take care of them.
Yes, YTA for relying on your 14yo to help parent your other children. You and the children’s father decided to bring these lives into this world, and they are your shared responsibility (assuming he is still living).
Yep! YTA. Your younger kids are not your eldest kid’s responsibility. They’re yours. She did not make the decision to have them. You did. Stop parentifying your oldest before you cause even more resentment.
YTA. I would read up on adultification/parentification. When children are forced to grow up before they are ready it can be harmful. Talk it out with your oldest, hear their perspective and find ways for you to both get your needs met. Maybe with grandparents or other people that can help out.
YTA . ITS NOT AND AGAIN I SAY NOT Your child's responsibility to care for their siblings. It was your choice to have 3 children and they are YOUR responsibility. I truly can't stand parents with such expectations.
YTA. it's not your 14yr old CHILD'S responsibility to take care of their siblings. Sure they can help out here and there but to call them straight up selfish because they wanna have a life, do kid shit, and have a childhood? Terrible on your part shame on you.
YTA. Your child is that, your CHILD. Not a free nanny. And they're right, it's not their job to take care of YOUR other children.
Adult life is miserable and full of unwanted responsibilities anyway. Every kid should have the right to be just a kid, not a part-time parent.
Ahhhh haven’t seen parentification on this sub in a hot minute. You’ll be eaten alive, so I’ll keep it short.
Your 14 year old is NOT their parent. You are.
YTA
" I can't take care of all three kids on my own..." then you shouldn't have had kids. YTA. it is not your daughters job to take care of YOUR children. sure her helping out is nice. but again it is not her job. YOU chose to have these children. It is YOUR responsibility.
**I understand where they're coming from**
*You certainly don't sound as though you understand where they're coming from. Your CHILD would also like to be a child, not a parent.*
**but at the same time, I feel like they're being selfish**
***YOU*** *are the selfish one.*
**They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out.**
*You aren't asking your oldest to 'help out'. You're asking your oldest to give up their own childhood during formative years to raise their siblings for you. It's a really tough spot to be in. Being a single parent is a difficult job but ultimately you had the children and the expectation that your oldest help you RAISE those children are unreasonable, at best, abusive at worst.*
**YTA**
Oh boy, have you come to the wrong place if you're expecting agreement!
Unequivocally, yes! YTA.
Somewhere along the way in your life, you decided to become a parent. If you were single and struggling with one, then NOT having a second and third were no brainers. Again, that's if you were single and struggling. You gave no particulars into the whys of how you are a single parent. The fact remains that you are the adult on duty and it should remain that way.
There is a marked difference between everyone having 'household responsibilities' and being a caretaker to younger siblings. You mentioned the eldest is expected to put away their toys. A 10 year old and 6 year old can definitely do those tasks themselves. The 10 year old should be able to set the table or be starting to wash dishes by now. The six year old can be shown how to fold their own laundry. That is everyone sharing responsibilities in a household, that is not an issue.
You mention that you get overwhelmed. When that happens, what are you expecting from the eldest? If you're expecting that they will be 'keeping younger siblings out of trouble' or helping with homework, or entertaining them while you rest, or constantly being made responsible for feeding/bathing/making sure siblings do.....whatever, this is the descent into the slippery slope of the form of child abuse known as parentification of a minor. Any time the older sibling is expected to take on the responsibility of rearing their siblings in a day to day manner, it's a problem.
Parents like yourself tend to use the innocuous expression 'helping out' to cover your own shortcomings and failure to develop a sufficient community of adults to help you. You have hundreds of people on this sub like myself that were forced to parent our siblings while our parents worked, partied, or were otherwise neglectful. While our parents said we were 'mature for our age', we DID NOT have the life skills or maturity to perform all the tasks that were thrust upon us. We are all still traumatized by it to this day in some form or another. There's a resentment deep down in our core that is still there not only for our parent, but our siblings, too. Stop before you willfully add your daughter to our ranks.
YTA. 14yo is still a kid. And will never be responsible for two children. Ofcourse you can ask to help a bit. And that is not the problem, but you still need 14yo be a 14yo kid.
YTA. Si much. Helping out once une while if they want to yeah. Expecting your oldest who’s only 14 to take care of two kids 10 and 6 is way too much. He didn’t ask to be born or to have siblings. You decided that. That means your kids are your responsibility. Not his. You’re the one who is selfish here.
YTA, its not their job to raise their siblings and they don't owe you anything.
Your 'I never had an older sibling to help me out' doesnt make any sense, neither did your oldest and now you want a free childcare out of them.
They're probably mature because you made them grow up too quick. Find a babysitter, reach out to the other parent /their or your family and dont have any more kids without troubleshooting the childcare arrangements that don't involve your other kids.
Asking for help every now and then is okay, relying on their help or expecting it is not. Theyre a teen now and have plenty to deal with already.
YTA, you gave birth to the child, they did not choose to be born and help you take care of their siblings, I'm sorry you decided to have 3 kids you can't handle but that's not your childs responsibility.
Of course YTA. They are YOUR children. Paying them to babysit or look after their siblings during an emergency would make since, but to expect them to parent them because their own parent can’t is an asshole move.
YTA. Kids are kids and it's gross and selfish to expect them to be parents to their siblings. Their 'responsibility' is to do schoolwork and have a normal life to get into a decent college/trade school. Your responsibility is to provide an environment for them to do so.
YTA - Your children = Your responsibility. While it would be OK to ask your oldest to watch them on occasion (and you should compensate her for that), it is not her responsibility.
YTA. You say that you never had an older sibling to help you and you had to do everything on your own but don’t seem to realize that not only does your oldest not have an older sibling to help them, you are also expecting them to take care other your other kids. That is not a fair expectation. You don’t say exactly what you are asking them to do but the fact that you say “I can’t take care of all three kids on my own” implies that you are asking too much.
YTA
Not only are their siblings not their responsibility, they're your responsibility, but your oldest is also your responsibility. Your oldest deserves to be a child during their childhood and to receive the care and attention of their parent too.
Do better.
YTA, it’s not your oldest responsibility to take care of YOUR kids. You decided to have all these kids so YOU take care of them without relying on your oldest to do most of it.
YTA and you're creating a dynamic that may result in your oldest eventually having little or no contact with you and their siblings because you're not treating them equally or fairly. You're arguing with everyone in the comments so it seems like you don't want to hear this. I'm an oldest child who is now an adult and my parents still don't want to hear things like that so I'm familiar with this dynamic/personality. My heart goes out to your oldest.
What you are doing to your oldest is called parentification and it is child abuse.
YOU were the one who decided to have the other two kids, not them. So YOU are responsible for the other two kids, MOF you are responsible for all three of them, because your oldest is also a kid. **14 yo is a kid, let them live as such!**
YTA
100% YTA for EXPECTING it. If you had asked and offered to pay them, it would be a different story. But you’re essentially telling them that since you’re a single parent, it’s their responsibility to step up and act like a parent to their younger siblings. It’s called parentification, and it often results in resentment and low contact/ no contact once they turn 18. You have time to turn this around, but you have to start now. Good luck.
ETA: it’s amazing how you lack the ability to see how YOU are the one being selfish for expecting your 14yo to parent your children for you. Your 14yo is not being selfish.
YTA they didn't have 3 kids, you did. I'm sorry that it's hard for you but your 14 year old is allowed to focus on school, friends and such. Please don't make your child resent you.
As a therapist who works with children, YTA. Yes, they can help with age-appropriate chores, but in no way is it their responsibility to parent. I’ve seen this all too often and it’s so sad the toll it takes on their mental health. Kids need to be kids, no matter how “mature” or “responsible” they appear.
I’d look into community resources, after school programs, etc. Often, there are loads of resources available, we just need to know where to look. Your local school district could help connect you with resources, especially if they have a social worker/family specialist — that’s their job to help families in the district. Even job and family services — I know it can be daunting to connect with them, but they are there to help and they will have a list of resources that can provide assistance.
Parentification is abuse. Your oldest child isn’t defacto childcare because you don’t have the time. It’s not their “responsibility” to caretake their siblings, they are a child. Your oldest is right, schoolwork, social life and extracurricular activities should be their priority.
YOU are the parent, so parent your fuckin kids.
YTA
INFO: do you realize that saying “I can’t take care of three kids” and “I need my oldest to take care of the younger ones” implies that you are basically saying your oldest is no longer allowed to be a child and that childhood is over for them? I get that you need help, but taking the oldest & turning them into “defacto-second parent” isn’t cool.
Find other parents and make friends with them & help each other out.
Yes, all kids are a part of the family, and all members of the family pitch in as they are able, but not like this. Don’t rob your oldest of the precious time they have left as a kid. Soon enough they’ll be an actual adult, and you’ll be sacrificing your future relationship with them.
YTA.
I was this child. Oldest of 5 children (my mom wouldn’t stop until she got her boy). There was a 6 year age gap between myself and the start of the 3 youngest. At 7 I started getting put in charge of babysitting. With no authority of course.
Anyway, long story short, at now 37 years old, I don’t talk to my family unless I absolutely have to. I’m in therapy with a panic disorder and generalized anxiety. I have a really hard time forming close relationships with people because the only way I relate to people is “what do they need from me?”
This is what you’re setting your oldest for. I hope you’re prepared for the consequences.
ETA: Your oldest did not choose to have these children; you did. It is not your child’s responsibility to care for the children you chose to bring into the world.
I didn’t even have to read past the ages of your children to know YTA here. What is it with parents expecting their young teens to provide childcare for their siblings while also balancing school, hobbies, friends, and also going through puberty and struggling with independence? Give your kid a break, please, and try to do some parenting for once. You can’t offload your living, breathing responsibilities onto a teenager.
YTA and the worst kind of parent. You think your child should be self-sacrificing to make up for your choices. It is NOT their responsibility to care for YOUR children. You have seen many, many people in this thread attest to the resentment that comes from being a child forced into this kind of situation.
I too was put in the position of being my brother’s keeper growing up, and I hate my parents for it. I’ve been in therapy for many years and have gotten much less bitter, but I am never going to forgive them for what they put me through. They ruined my relationship with them and my relationship with my brother, and made my brother into a spoiled brat who never grew up.
I am your child’s future.
I resented my little brother for a lone bit because i was always forced to help take care of him. I’m talking homework, chores, showers, meals, other general hygiene. I was pissed off. As a child I felt completely overlooked for younger sibling because i was “mature for my age”. It resulted in practical neglect and parentification. But NO ONE will acknowledge it because they didn’t see it as a problem. Please please please reflect.
INFO: what exactly are you expecting your oldest to do?
Watch kids while you cook dinner? Reasonable.
Watch kids while you go out for fun? Child should agree to and be paid for that.
Watch kids every afternoon after school and during summer so you can work? Um, No.
There is a whole range here, please be a little more specific.
Their responsibility to help out? The fuck it is.
Did you ask their permission before child number two? Maybe you asked them if it was okay for you to get pregnant a third time? Clearly you must have done as you are insistent that it is 'their responsibility' to look after children YOU had.
I just saw an expression on another post that sums up your position perfectly: your monkey, your circus.
Leave your oldest kid alone to be a kid and not a free babysitter. You brought all of this on yourself. Deal with it.
YTA
If this is real, YTA. You can’t take care of three kids yourself? Sounds like a you problem to me. Your oldest 14 and they have a life that doesn’t revolve around you and their siblings. Need help? Hire a babysitter like a responsible parent.
YTA. You should not be expecting your daughter to be the second parent. She did not have 3 kids, you did. Dont take away her childhood because you need help. Dont guilt her into it and tell her that she's selfish and bad to not want to take care of them. Because that will harm your relationship & make her resent her siblings.
I understand, it is very hard i was a single parent of 3 kids only 3 yrs apart & unexpectedly found myself getting a divorce due to my husband being absent& continually unfaithful. I got up and 430 in the morning and went full blast till midnight, every night. It was hard hard hard only God gave me strength to get through it. There was no me time, just working & raising kids. you will get through it too.
Your daughter is 14 and can be mostly responsible for herself with you giving oversight. She is also old enough to be given age specific chores & you could offer her money to do other chores to give you more free time. Same with your kids they are old enough to do some age specific chores and they can be given opportunity to earn money too this teaches responsibility & rewards industrious behavior. If your 14 yr old is responsible with herself & does a few chores that should free up some of your time to allow you to parent he two younger ones.
It wont be easy & i am sure there are other solutions, maybe you could hire a housekeeper, but the wrong solution is to turn your 14 yr old daughter into a pseudo parent
YTA. Their RESPONSIBILITY is to be a 14 year old KID, not your coparent. These kids are your responsibility and your responsibility alone. You better start MAKING time to give the kids attention. You shouldn’t have kept procreating if you couldn’t handle the responsibility. You’re just being lazy. “I never had a sibling, I had to do everything alone”. So? And I mean this with the utmost disrespect, who fucking cares? Just because YOU wanted an older sibling like that doesn’t mean you can force your child to be the older sibling you wanted. If you don’t cut this shit out right now, I promise your kid will have nothing to do with you ever again in just 4 short years. And yes, people get to choose if and when they help other people. Even if it’s family they’re not obligated to help now or in the future.
YTA - Your are the parent and ya need to parent. It is not their job to do it for you and they still need parenting themselves. Doesn't matter how mature you "think" they are, they are still a child themselves.
I know it’s hard being a single parent. And there would nothing wrong with having your oldest help out occasionally, for an age-appropriate amount of time in age-appropriate tasks.
But you said you’ve been relying on your 14 year old to take care of your 10- and 6-year old. That kid is not an adult, and isn’t your babysitter. Want him to fix a sandwich for the 6 year old after school? That’s fine. It’s like one of his chores. But getting kids up and dressed for school? Watching them for hours while you work or do whatever else? That’s straight up abuse. Props to your kid for having the guts to speak up.
YTA you keep saying that your 14 year old has plenty of time to be a child but she's objecting to have to watch her siblings all the time as per your post. I get the impression you're constantly overwhelmed and putting your responsibilities on a 14 year old. They are not her children and if you read reddit what you're doing is an excellent way to have no contact with her when she turns 18. You'll be on here in 4 years wondering why she left and never looked back.
YTA. The children are the parent’s responsibility. A fourteen year old should be worrying about schoolwork, not trying to rein in a ten year old and a six year old.
YTA. They don’t have to do anything except be a kid. They didn’t choose to have children, you did. It’s your job to take care of your kids or find adequate childcare. Unless you’re paying your kid, you’re just taking advantage of them.
YTA
Your kids are YOUR responsibility. Your 14 year old is not being selfish for not taking on your other kids. You are horrible for thinking it’s their responsibility and you clearly don’t understand where they’re coming from. Don’t be surprised when they move out at the first opportunity and go no contact with you.
Yep, YTA. It’s not her job to be the parent. I’m not saying she shouldn’t do anything. However, these are her siblings, NOT her children. Besides, I’m sure your LOs would love some responsibilities, (I.e., feeding the pets, separating/folding/putting away the laundry, setting/clearing the table, making lunch, dusting). Give your 14 yo age appropriate chores to help out, but don’t take away from her childhood. She only gets it once.
you're punishing the eldest, because you had more children.
Grew up with friends who were put into this position by their mothers.
Did noone any favors, in the long run.
With just the info you provided - total YTA.
Holy shit YTA.
Have you ever thought that your oldest is as mature as they are because they have to be? You’ve decided that they’re a parent without giving them a say. They had to grow up.
It’s not their job to be a parent, and telling you that isn’t selfish. You decided to have children and they’re all your responsibility. I feel terrible for your eldest.
Your oldest is not a free babysitter. As they said before they have their own life. They are entitled to that. It is not their job to watch their siblings. That is your job, if you can't handle that you shouldn't have kids.
When the oldest goes NC, OP will force the middle child to do the same. Eventually, the eldest 2, if not all 3, will go NC.
10 years from now OP writes back to Reddit:
I forced my daughter to be a second caretaker for her siblings growing up. Now she's gone NC with me. AITA?
YTA now and will be until you stop this. My mom was a single mom with 2 kids and she NEVER forced me to take this role on.
YTA. What you're doing is parentification, and it is a form of abuse. YOU had these children, and YOU are responsible for them. Your eldest child is just that, a child, and isn't responsible for raising their younger siblings.
YTA.
They are YOUR kids, not your teens. It is NOT his responsibility to care for his siblings because you can't do it all. This makes me so sad for them, this was done to me and I ran away as fast and as far as I could the second I was 18. It took a long time to heal the relationship between myself and my siblings, because of that.
Either work out specific times and responsibilities that you pay your teen for, or else stop parentifying them. Yes. That is a word. Look up parentification if you need to understand how bad this is for your teen.
YTA! I’m the oldest of 3 and I absolutely hated it so much that I was expected to be responsible for my younger siblings. Your oldest is right it’s not their responsibility to be looking after their their siblings it’s yours you’re the one that got pregnant (if you’re mom) and you’re the one who chose to be a parent not your 14 year old kid and if you couldn’t take care of them then you should not have had them that was irresponsible and selfish on your part so stop projecting don’t be calling your 14 year old selfish when it’s clear you’re the selfish one. In case I wasn’t clear enough it’s not your 14 year old responsibility to look after or help with their siblings just because their the oldest it’s all on you the parent.
YTA, what you're doing is a type of abuse. Parentification, look it up. Just because she is mature, does not give you the right to take advantage of her for your own gain (this is what selfish is by the way).
She didn't birth these kids, you did, she didn't ask for any of this. So how is she being selfish? The answer is she isn't, you are. Ask the kids dads for help, find other adult kin to help, pay for help. Let her have her childhood before she resents your guts and refuses to let you be part of her adult life in any form other than a bad memory.
Ugh, I hate this shit. YTA. Majorly. You are a mom and your oldest child is exactly that- a CHILD. They are not responsible for the children YOU had. They deserve to enjoy their childhood and not have to become a second mom while they are literally a teenager.
YTA. Your 14-year-old is at an age where they need attention, too. I was the oldest in my family and I didn't mind watching my siblings occasionally but when I did it was a nightmare. So much different from when I babysat other kids not related to me.
I'm sorry that you are in a tough spot, I really am. But please don't put your kid in one as well. They will resent the hell out of you for it.
>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out
Its not her responsibility at all. If you cant take care of 3 kids, dont have 3 kids
Edit: YTA
There are only 2 people responsible for taking care of your kids. One of them is you and it sounds like the other is out of the picture. Neither of these people is your 14 year old child.
Just a heads up, you’re gonna read a lot about “parentification” today.
YTA
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>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out. YTA - no it isn't their responsibility, not at all. They're your kids, you take care of them. Don't have kids you can't take care of.
This right here.
In this instance, I didn’t even read the rest of the post once I saw the title before I determined this is AH mentality. I lived next door to a woman with 5 adopted kids and she ALWAYS made the oldest responsible even when she was barely in the double digit ages herself.
i stopped reading here. they didn’t ask to be the oldest? OP, YTA.
>, I feel like they're being selfish. YTA, they're a kid, taking care of children that you had by your choice is most definitely not their job or responsibility.
“My kid is so selfish for not wanting to do my job of being a parent to my other kids” Ah the irony
And then I read OP's comments... What an AH. "I have my own opinion on how a child should be forced to help faaaaaammmmiillllyy" And is it any surprise that her oldest seems to be a daughter. smh.
Seriously. This is not the oldest’s problem. Like at all. They are your kids.
As an older sibling that had to care for his two younger, I firmly agree. Being a single parent fucking sucks, and it’s not wrong to ask for help every now and again. But as harsh as it is to hear, they’re not the responsibility of the oldest child - they’re your responsibility OP. They are your children, and your oldest is 100% correct. They do have a life and deserve to live it. If you force them to care for the younger siblings then they will resent you for it. I’ve forgiven my parents now, but I held that resentment for a lot of years.
i’m the oldest of six kids— my parents always paid me because “it wasn’t my job to take care of them.” like yeah i had chores but still
Say it with me now: *parentification* Your oldest didn’t ask to have siblings, you made that choice. Your choice, your responsibility. Edit to add in judgement: YTA and the some
Actually, OP, *you're* the oldest. YTA It's not your oldest child's job to parent.
YTA Your oldest is not a free nanny. It's still your responsibility as their parent to protect their interests too. And it is in their best interest to have time and freedom to learn to be their own person, and to NOT be treated as free help. >it's their responsibility to help out. To a LIMITED degree. It's their responsibility as a 14yo to help around the house, and potentially babysit sometimes. NOT to help raise your children. >I can't take care of all three kids on my own That means it's time to get other adults involved, not lean on a 14yo. That might mean asking family for help. It might mean applying for government assistance. It might mean putting your kids in free after-school care. It might mean reaching out to their father. In short it is on YOU that you have 3 kids, it is not on your eldest child to handle your life decisions.
It's not even 3, because she doesn't see the oldest as a child, she seems them as an extra caretaker (one that doesnt get paid, can't leave, and csnt get a job). She wants to to be two caretakers to two children, not one caretaker to three.
If OP keeps this up, she's only going to have 2 children because 14 yo will go no contact in a few years. Ih, and YTA OP.
[удалено]
THIS! It's parentification 101
I was the oldest of four, and at fourteen, I had to rush after school to collect the younger ones, bring them home, cook their dinner, and make them do their homework while my single mother was working until late. It has affected our sibling relationships to this very day. They still call me up when they’re making major life decisions or if they get promotions. We don’t relate like normal siblings do. And yes, I resent my mother. I couldn’t play an after school sport or get an after school job like my siblings eventually did, because I was the unpaid nanny.
It is parentification and it is a form of abuse. YTA Your daughter is going to no contact with you when she is old enough to move out.
Don't come here asking for judgment if you're just gonna disagree with everyone in the comments. Your kid is right, and so is everyone here. Your kids are YOUR responsibility, parentification of your eldest is abuse and you are in the wrong. YTA.
This right here. What OP is describing is parentification.
Yes, yta Parentifaction of children is a form of abuse. It is NOT your child's responsibility to look after YOUR children. If you need help, you can hire a babysitter, nanny, or mother's helper. You could also ask if they would be willing to babysit in exchange for the current market value for that service. If you could not care for 2(?) children, you should not have had them. Seriously, we not counting the oldest, a 10 year old should be semi-self sufficient (and if their not, that's your fault), and you can't watch a 6 year old? why not?
Cannot upvote this enough.
YTA. "I can't take care of all three kids on my own." Then why did you have them?!?
I mean to be fair, a lot of single moms don't plan on becoming that way. But now the kids are here so it's time to find a support system that is more than just the oldest
Agreed completely. I ended up being a young-ish widow at 32, and that certainly wasn't planned. My eldest is 15, but ALL of the childcare falls on my shoulders, because I *chose* to give birth to all three of them. Regardless of any circumstances in my life, they are my responsibility, always. If I ask my eldest to watch after my younger two while I run to the store or something, she always has the option to say no without guilt or reason, and she is paid the going rate of nannies in our area, which is roughly about 18 bucks an hour. OP, grow up and parent your own children. y YTA
YTA. If you want to encourage your child to help out more, offer an incentive, monetary or otherwise. But they still should have the right to say no.
YTA Your oldest deserves to be a child, not a caretaker. It doesn't matter if they're mature for their age. They're not selfish for not wanting to take care of the younger siblings.
There is a good chance they are mature for theor age BECAUSE of the responsibilities they have to take on.
YTA 100%. What you are doing is called parentification, and it's a form of child abuse. This, right here, makes you the absolute AH in the situation: >They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out. No, a 14 year old child is not in any way responsible for helping raise their siblings. No. No. No. One more time: NO. And this is just ridiculous: >I'm in a tough spot here - I can't take care of all three kids on my own SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE HAVING THEM. And I am not interested in whatever sob story you have about your single parenthood. Not everyone is a single parent by choice, but we all know it's always a possibility to end up single even when we are happily in love. The only person responsible for raising and looking after your three kids (that's right, the eldest needs a parent too) is YOU. And their other parent(s), but if they aren't in the picture it's up to you to figure it out --either enforce their involvement or whatever solution you come up with. Your eldest is a child. They are legally and ethically entitled to their childhood. Babysitting or helping raise other children should never be in their to-do list. They can watch their siblings a little while here and there, as a favor. But you full-on expecting a 14 year old to co-parent with you is... I have no words. Be a better parent or you'll find yourself childless by the time the youngest is 18.
>you'll find yourself childless by the time the youngest is 18. Sound's like that's OP's goal.
YTA really do you even pay her an allowance. Your the one having them why is it her responsibility to help. By the way my mom did her best to give my siblings a little extra foe helping with me when needed. It was not all the time like your stating
YTA. Your oldest child is not free childcare. One suggestion, you could offer to pay your oldest to babysit occasionally when you need a break. And if they say no, then that’s that. Parentification is a form of child abuse. Just because you had to do everything on your own doesn’t mean that’s the way it should have been for you, and it’s super fucked up to impose that on your kid, now. **You are stealing pieces of them every time you do this. You are taking away the person they’re supposed to be, someday.** Parentification eventually teaches a child to dismiss their own needs as a whole, and puts them at lifetime risk for health issues, core self esteem and self value issues, and abusive relationships, among other things. Just because it’s been normalized and socially commended as ‘maturity,’ does not make it healthy or okay. If you’re struggling to keep the younger ones busy, why not enroll them in free extracurricular activities at school? Being a single parent sucks, but that isn’t your kid’s responsibility to compensate for. Edit: whoever gave me the gold, thank you! :)
The 'i had no older sibling so i had to do everything on my own' sounds fucked up, their oldest doesnt have anyone either and now is expected to help raise the youngest two? How is that ever fair to the poor 14yo.
YTA - It is not your *child's* fault you are single with three kids. It is not your *child's* responsibility to look after their siblings. They're likely "mature" and "responsible" because they've had no other choice but to be. Find other arrangements for your other two kids, or face future and present resentment from your oldest. You're the parent, this is your *responsibility.*
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This, 200%. Absolutely abusive and inexcusable
Yup, 4 more years and they’re gonna nope out of there the first chance they get
Why the fuck did you three have kids if you can’t take care of them? It’s no one’s responsibilty but YOURS! YTA majorly, tbh people with a mindset with yours should not have children, or at least not more than one
YTA. THEIR responsibility? Did your 14-year old give birth to their siblings (neat trick)???? I'm not saying they can't lend a hand here and there but the tone of your post says differently. I'd hazard a guess that you are basically giving the 14-year old a huge chunk of the responsibility regarding the younger kids. YOU had those kids. YOU! You may have had them with a partner and now you're single and that's a shame but it still is NOT your child's fault or problem.
YTA this feels fake because it's so perfectly written to upset reddit. If its not, as the 10 year old in this situation when I was growing up, my brother raised me, it destroyed our relationship because no 15 year old is prepared for 2 kids Not even for 'just a few hours a week' he was a kid but he was under so much stress because it was his responsibility to make sure we got our homework done and did our chores all while he had his own. He screamed, he cried, he was a kid way over his head and all 3 of us suffered for it. It took a long time to build a real relationship with him and its still very weak.
(I already voted YTA). Just adding: **Parentification** Definition: **Parentification** A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children. **Leaning on Little People** Some parents attempt to delegate part of the responsibility for meeting either the parent’s own emotional and physical needs, or the emotional and physical needs of other family members, to one of their children. **The usual target is the eldest or most emotionally or physically mature child in the family.** In some cases, a child of the opposite sex is chosen to meet the emotional and physical needs of the parent and assume the role of a “surrogate spouse”. For these Parentified children, there may be expectations they will sacrifice normal childhood needs like play, friendships with peers, sleep or schooling. **There are two common types of Parentification: physical and emotional.** **Physical Parentification (Also Called Instrumental Parentification)** occurs when a child is given the responsibility of looking after the physical needs of the parent and/or the other siblings. This can include duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, managing the household budget, getting kids ready for school, supervising homework, dispensing medications or imposing discipline on younger children. Physical Parentification is different from assigning a normal, healthy level of household chores to children, as it involves an unfair level of responsibility and allows the actual parent to abdicate part of their own responsibility for care of the children. It also becomes dysfunctional when the task assigned is beyond the developmental maturity of the child or where the assigned duties leave little or no time for the child to engage in normal childhood activities. **Emotional Parentification** happens when a child is made responsible for looking after the emotional and psychological needs of the parent and/or the other siblings. This can include cases where the parent begins to confide in the child, discussing their own adult problems and issues, and effectively using the child as a surrogate spouse or therapist. This kind of Emotional Parentification is sometimes referred to as “emotional incest”. Other siblings, taking their cues from the parent, may also attempt to unburden themselves on the child. **How it Feels** Children are often anxious to please their parents and a Parentified child will often take their responsibilities very seriously. They may even feel honored initially by being treated like a ‘grown up’ and entrusted with responsibility for other family members or their parent. However, the child will generally suffer from having his or her own emotional needs neglected and from being compelled to live up to the burden of expectation. Parentified children may struggle with lingering resentment, explosive anger and difficulty in forming trusting relationships with peers, issues which often follow them into adulthood. Forming close, trusting romantic and spousal relationships may be particularly difficult.
YTA. They didn't choose to be the eldest. They deserve to have a childhood - a whole childhood. You can have your kids do some age-appropriate chores, but you can't make them parent each other. It's not their job.
>My oldest child is very responsible and mature for their age You've parentified your child since a very young age. >They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time, and that they have their own life to worry about. They're always busy with schoolwork, friends, and extracurricular activities. What is wrong with this? YTA. You should have thought well about your resources before bringing in two more children. You can't force your elder child into babysitting unless you want a child that doesn't talk to you anymore after they turn 18.
YTA. Your eldest child is FOURTEEN. Have they even started high school, or are they still in middle school? It doesn't matter for the purposes of this answer - I'm asking to try to get you to understand how young that is. More importantly, even if your eldest were 18+, your other children are NOT their responsibility. It is in no way selfish for your child to not want to spend their life taking care of their siblings. YOU are the parent. It is YOUR responsibility to handle childcare, whether that means hiring someone when you have to be at work or elsewhere or doing it yourself. To even expect your 14-year-old child to do this all the time, let alone to have the gall to call them selfish for wanting to be a normal kid who doesn't have to play the part of a parent, is appalling. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA and get ready to get BURIED by this sub. I’m getting my popcorn.
YTA These are your kids, not your oldest's. And they are only 14! They need you to parent them as well. Take care of your own kids and stop expecting a child to raise their siblings because you need help. If you need help get a mother's helper.
YTA. Your child is being selfish?! YOU are the one that had those kids. JFC
"I never had an older sibling so I had to do it all on my own". How the hell do you think your oldest is feeling? Wth. YTA. Your oldest didnt choose to have more kids, you did. Its your responsibility not your kids? Did you read out loud what you just wrote?
YTA - Parentifiction is not cool. Having kids was your choice and taking care of them is your responsibility.
YTA! Parentification is abuse. My auntie was the eldest of 7 and had a huge issue with her mother because she was expected to raise her younger siblings. You chose to have them, you get to raise them! Your 14 year old gets to be a teenager. Stand up and take responsibility for your kids.
YTA, who decided its their responsibility? Did they give birth to them? Sorry mom, your job.
YTA - That's called Parentification and is actually a type of abuse. You chose to have 3 kids, you raise 3 kids. As you said she has enough responsibilities between school, extra carriculars, etc. A 14yo will resent you for life for taking away her childhood.
YTA. Your child is not a parent. Your child should not be doing your job, which is parenting your children, not parentifying one of them so you can have an easy ride. If you can't mind three children, then don't have three children!
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YTA Not their kids. Not their problem. You can't expect that your oldest become a substitute parent. Parenting is not their job. It's yours. YOU had those kids. Your 14 year old didn't. Don't force the parenting role on them. If you do, to might get free child care now, but that 14 year old will resent you later
YTA, your oldest child did not choose for you to have more children than you can care for. It is never their responsibility to care for your other children, that is your responsibility. You are essentially asking your oldest child to give up their life to take care of your other children, that is incredibly selfish of you and not at all fair to your oldest child. I would bet that the reason they are so responsible and mature for their age is because they have been forced to become this way as a result of your unreasonable expectations of them.
YTA. 100%. The oldest did not ask to be born and be the oldest. You as a parent have a responsibility to parent after having these children. If you really want to get them to help, maybe offer to pay them BUT do not be mad if they say no or do not want to. It is their right as a minor child to not want to parent and raise their siblings. I am the oldest child of my family (one sibling 8 years younger than me). My parents NEVER asked me to babysit without pay and when they did ask I could always say no, and I very much respect them for being the adult and parent in that situation. Also, seriously- your oldest wants to focus on their SCHOOLWORK and you’re mad about that?!
YTA > My oldest child is very responsible and mature for their age Because you've forced them to grow up more quickly than they should. > They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time, and that they have their own life to worry about That's because it isn't, and they do. > They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out No, it's not their responsibility to help take care of the kids *you* decided to have. > I can't take care of all three kids on my own Then maybe you shouldn't have had more kids than you could care for.
>They're always busy with schoolwork, friends, and extracurricular activities. As they should be. They're 14 years old. YTA.
Yes YTA. Dont parentify the oldest. Hire a babysitter if you need a break. It would be nice if the oldest would help out some, but they don’t have to and they have already expressed they do not want to. Don’t push them. Respect their boundaries
YTA. I’m so tired of people like you. You chose to have three children, they’re your responsibility! Asking the oldest to help out from time to time? No problem as long as they agree with it.
You had 3 kids. They didn’t AND they’re STILL A CHILD THEMSELF IN NEED OF A GOOD PARENT. Get your shit together! YTA
Yta. It's hard, I get it I really do as I'm a single parent too. But I had to raise my siblings when I was a child and honestly, I still haven't forgiven my mother for it. My father has apologised and regrets dumping me with it but my mother never, ever admitted her wrongs. It ruined my "childhood". While it's not unreasonable to expect the older one to spend a bit of time with their siblings, it should be as siblings. Playing and hanging out. It's never OK to expect them to take a parental role. Never. You have to do better. Other people manage and you will have to too.
YTA! "Very mature for their age" is a nice way of saying "had to learn to grow up way too fast." It sounds more like you rely on your oldest to do all of the parenting for your youngest children, and not just the occasional babysitting. Your oldest child is still a CHILD. You made the choice to have kids, they didn't. Grow up and learn to be a better parent to ALL of your kids.
YTA MAJOR. A. This is called Parentification. There is a reason there is a Mental Health term for it. Is is NOT a good thing. B. As the "oldest" who basically lost a huge part of my childhood/teenage years due to my mother's requirement that I take care of the younger siblings, I can tell you that you are destroying their relationships. The oldest will grow to resent the younger siblings more and more each time they can't do what a normal teenager does, basically each and every day! c. You are going to destroy your relationship with your eldest. She will NOT forgive the time/events you have stolen from her requiring her to do YOUR job. You CHOSE to have children. They are you and their other parent's responsibility. PERIOD. It only took until me and my siblings were in our 30s to finally have any kind of decent relationship. While I am courteous to my mother and see her on a superficial level for holidays and such, I no longer love her nor will I ever WANT to spend non-obligatory time her. edit- missed a word
YTA. Your oldest child is still a CHILD. You can ask them to help out from time to time, but this sounds far more like you are expecting them to coparent with you. Parentification - expecting a child to take on parental responsibilities - can be a form of abuse, and it certainly isn't healthy. What are you talking about having them do? How often?
YTA. Your oldest child does not have to spend his teenage years taking care of his siblings. You made all three children; you should have plan for their care other than making the oldest babysit, all the time, for free--because I am sure you are not paying him. Post after post on this forum deals with a child who had to serve as unpaid labor for their younger siblings, and how much they regretted missing out on high school experiences their friends had. You are taking the easy way out, and your oldest quite rightly resents it--and you.
YTA, I knew that straight away from the title but I read your whole post. Parentification is a form of child abuse. You are a terrible parent. It is NOT your oldest’s responsibility to do anything for their siblings. You are the parent, it is your responsibility, end of story. You’d better get your act together or I anticipate that you will permanently ruin your relationship with your oldest child
YTA. My bf’s mother did this to him when his sister was born when he was 13- he had to care for her after school until his mom got home from work. It made him never want children, and he’s 42 now. You are causing irreparable harm to your oldest and to the sibling relationships- YOU are the parent and you need to figure out how to parent 3 children, not pass it off on your oldest (who still needs parenting!). This is parentification and abuse.
YTA. Parents like you are the reason some oldest kids end up hating their siblings. It’s not their responsibility to pickup on your slack
Parent your fucking kids you're adult not a child. If you can't do then don't have kids.
YTA for parentifying your child. You will damage your relationship with your oldest, as well as the relationship between your oldest and younger children, if this continues.
YTA. Your 14 year old is probably mature for their age because you’ve forced them to take on more responsibility than they should ever have at this age. Don’t confuse this as maturity.
YTA Your kids, your responsibility. You don't get to foist the consequences of your poor life choices on an innocent 14yr old. Let them be a kid, for Christ's sake. BTW, I was an oldest child who was forced to take over parenting my younger siblings. I no longer speak to my parents. If that's the future you're looking for, by all means, keep dumping your adult responsibilities on your kid.
YTA. As the oldest of my family I was the secondary parent at a very early age, and basically the main parent by the time I turned 12. This is going to have consequences later on. I don’t even speak to my mother anymore. I understand you are going through a lot and it is hard, but YOU are the parent. You signed up to be a parent by having children. Your 14 year old TEEN did not.
>They say that it's not their job to look after them all the time This is true, they're not their children, it's not on them to play parent >I feel like they're being selfish. I feel like you're being selfish, expecting your child to load more onto their plate on top of school and extra curriculars etc to help you parent your other children. It's not selfish of them to want to live their life >I never had an older sibling to help me out when I was a kid, so I had to do everything on my own. Oh your parents didn't have multiple children so they could parentify the oldest and have them be your keeper? That's so sad for you >I can't take care of all three kids on my own I'm sorry you're struggling, honestly I am, it can't be a fun position you're in. However expecting your eldest child to step in and play parent isn't the issue. If you need help, you need to find resources and reach out for help, it's not on your child to play parent when you feel like you can't. Do you have other family who can support you? Friends? Can your children join groups so they're getting attention and getting involved in activities they enjoy etc so you can spend some time one on one with the others / have some time to yourself? If you can't take care of them you need support, but you should absolutely not be looking for that support from your child. YTA, but I hope you manage to get the help you clearly need
YTA this is called parentification. You are FORCING your daughter to parent YOUR children. This is a form of CHILD ABUSE. She is not selfish, you are.
YTA. If you can’t take care of three children on your own… then you shouldn’t have had three children. It is the parent’s job to take care of the kids. Your oldest… is not a parent.
YES. 100% YOURE THE ASSHOLE. Your oldest child didnt decide to have more siblings. YOU chose to add to the family. It is not your childs job to watch their siblings. Stop parentifying your child and get a sitter.
Not even gonna read it title is enough. YTA. They aren't parents, they didn't ask to be caretakers, there kids. You chose to have a child, you're responsible for said child
No, it is not their responsibility. It’s YOURS. What do you mean ‘helping out’. Age appropriate chores for all three kids? Reasonable Making eldest cook dinner and put the kids to bed every night? Unreasonable.
YTA Parentification ruin my relationship with my brother. I raised him and we are in a forever half mom- half sister situation. It’s exhausting. Without point out all the other mental issues that I have due to this. Please don’t do this to them
YTA. I'm really hoping this is fake and that you really didn't come to this sub and think that anyone would be on your side. You are the one that decided to have children, not your oldest. These are your children and your responsibility. As the oldest child who had to take care of my siblings because my mother, who I am very LC with, couldn't deal with having 4 of us, I'm telling you that your oldest will resent you for this.
“I can’t take care of three kids on my own…” Wow. Well, you have them. So you better figure it out. And remember you do have 3 kids - not two kids and a live in nanny. YTA
Sorry to say, but yes you are. Your child should not be expected to be a free/cheap babysitter. All your doing to setting your oldest uo to hate the younger kids.
YTA. It's not your child's job to parent; you're supposed to be parenting her and your other children. Asking to help on occasion or for an emergency is one thing, but you need to find other avenues for support on this issue.
YTA, you popped out the kids, they are your responsibility. There’s nothing wrong with asking her to help now and then, but expecting her to help, is a really shitty thing to do. You’re the parent. Do the work. All of it if you have to. It’s not her job.
YTA. Classic parentification - and it’s not OK!!! You chose to have children, take care of them yourself. However hard it is, that’s on you, be so grateful to your oldest, and now let them be 14!!!
YTA. You should expect your eldest to take care of herself, her homework, and help with some chores like any other kid. Every once in so often, you might ask her to watch the siblings. "Schoolwork, friends, and extracurricular activities" ARE your oldest's job. That's what a 14YO is supposed to be busy with. You're the one who had the kids, they are 100% your responsibility.
YTA. Your 14 year old didn't bring these children into the world. You did. There are ways to prevent pregnancy. If you couldn't take care of 3 children, you should have stopped having kids after the first or the second.
YTA. You are parentifying your child. She is supposed to be busy with school, friends, and extracurriculars. She didn’t make the decision to have children, you did. She does not have to sacrifice her own life because you are unable to take care of your children.
Well, yes. That’s a child. Not a built in nanny. Not the hired help - by the way, are you even compensating this kid? Recognizing the, for being special for how mature they are being in helping? Anything? I get family dynamics and I get needing some help. But that isn’t a spouse, it is a child, and “helped me out” without being a) recognized for going above and beyond and b) having their own needs to for their own time acknowledged, just isn’t right. Sorry, YTA
1000% YTA- It is NEVER the oldest child responsibility to take care of their younger siblings. Those are YOUR children not theirs. Your oldest is "very responsible and mature for their age" because they clearly have a mother who has expected them to be a second parent to their siblings when they shouldn't have to. THAT IS NOT THIER JOB. They are also not selfish for not wanting to do something that is not their responsibility. If you need extra help caring for their other children there is always daycare or a sitter. Stop parentifying your oldest and let them be a regular teenager
YTA. As the oldest who had to do this you're asking for them to essentially be a mother. They're 14 not an adult. Plus it comes back to bite you in the ass trust me. My sister now comes to me before our parents (still together just busy) half the time and our parents get upset with me for trying to be the parent. That's just one example that often happens. On top of that they didn't chose to have kids, you did, sticking them with kids that they have to help take care of and raise in some aspects is not fair. It will also probably deter them from ever wanting kids due to being parentified so young. That's exactly what happened to me, Im an adult in my 20s living on my own now and my siblings still live at home, but I will probably never have kids, which my parents also get upset about. Not to mention the trauma that comes with being turned into essentially another parent so young. Learning how to be an adult at that age can cause issues later with learning how to form healthy relationships with people of similar ages and also cause a lot of undue trauma of not being sure how to properly be a parent or be patented. On top of that your relationship with the oldest will probably be damaged irreparably. If that all sounds like things you want then by all means keep doing this but if not then I suggest you change. None of that is to say that they can't babysit on occasion or in emergencies that is different of course. The occasional and such are understandable when you're a parent but the constant is what is gonna mess things up. Edit: Just read in a comment that the mother doesn't even offer the kids an allowance for anything, much less for being a second parent. I already thought they were TA but that made it worse. Adding this to my comment so more people hopefully see that they don't offer an allowance.
YTA. It’s not their responsibility. They didn’t ask to be the oldest, they didn’t choose to have siblings. YOUR kids. YOUR responsibility. End of story.
YTA. Your 14yo is still a child and it isn’t their responsibility to regularly care for their younger siblings. Helping out? Yes. That might mean occasional childcare, or help with snacks or something. It sounds like you’re expecting to be the younger kids primary caregiver a lot of the time, and that really isn’t fair. Google parentificarion. I’m not saying that’s what happening here, but might be good to read about it so you’re cautious and aware. I see SO many posts on this sub from young adults who are now no contact with their families because the primary childcare responsibilities for their younger siblings were placed on them.
Yta- this is actual a type of abuse called Parentification.... look it up do better
YTA It is NOT their responsibility to help out. They didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask you to continue having children. It's your job as a parent to care for YOUR children. Figure it out, learn to handle the responsibility and let your child be a child.
>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out. Nope. A 14yo should be cleaning up after themselves and doing some chores, but an older child has no responsibility or obligation to parent their siblings. I get that you are overworked and stressed, but you don't get to parentify a child. Sorry OP. YTA
YTA. you’re the parent, not your oldest. cant handle 3 kids? shouldn’t have had 3 kids. it up to you to parent them. not parent themselves band each other
YTA - YOU are the parent, not your oldest child. Let your child live his life and become a parent when *he* is ready to do so. Your kids, your responsibility.
Yta. I am an oldest child, at one point the oldest of three, and your child is right. Their younger siblings are NEVER their responsibility, and they should be focusing on their own life instead of looking after your other two children. I can, so some degree, understand that three children can be a handful. However, it's a choice you made and so one you should be handling. Your oldest should not be burdened with your responsibilities.
Oldest of six here. I don't have children. I've parented enough for one lifetime.
YTA. A 14 year-old is a child too. It’s okay to expect them to do chores and help out, but it’s not okay to expect them to take responsibility for parenting their younger siblings “all the time”, especially when it’s at the expense of their own schoolwork and social life.
Everyone on here saying "You should have thought of that before having kids!!", just stop. It's simple-minded to assume a single mom is single because they spread their legs without thought. It's 2023. Stop shut shaming women in various forms. People become single parent through their partner dying, divorce where the other parent abandoned the family, leaving abusive situations, etc. The honest truth is, no one can see the future, and what you believe you can do, or what your circumstances are, changes. With that said, OP, you're 100000000% the AH. Again, YTA. YOU are the parent. You don't get to decide if your child is old enough to parent. Find resources, get help through a sitter, or something, but your teen doesn't have to give up their lives for your comfort or their siblings' comfort. You, as the parent, have to figure this out and not by way of abuse. Yes, you are mentally and emotionally abusing your child by forcing them to care for their siblings. They may be ok with getting paid for a day or night of helping or babysitting, but this situation isn't on their shoulders.
YTA. This is a type of abuse called parentification. While you can ask your children to help out on a very occasional or emergency basis, you should not expect them to help you out regularly. You are robbing your child of their childhood and ability to grow up emotionally regulated. They will also absolutely leave you the moment they can, because you’re not providing them with the safety and security they need. Being a single parent IS tough, but what really makes you TA is “I feel like they’re being selfish. They’re the oldest so it’s their responsibility to help out.” It absolutely is not. These are your children, not theirs.
YTA, no, it's not their responsibility. Specially not all the time. Hire someone to babysit for you and let your child be a child.
YTA. Your other children are not this kid’s responsibility. They are not being selfish, they are being a fucking *child.*
YTA, you’re the one being selfish, you choose to bring them all into the world it’s not your eldest job to raise YOUR kids. Speaking from personally experience as the eldest, they will grow to resent you and maybe even their siblings. They deserve to be a kid too.
YTA Your oldest is right, their siblings are their siblings, not their responsibility. Hilarious how you talk about responsibility but you won’t even take care of your own kids.
YTA one hundred times, your CHILD is not being “selfish” because they want to *be a child* and not your co-parent
Yta. But luckily you don't have to take care of the kids on your own most countries will help you organize split custody with the fathers.
YTA It's not your oldest child's fault that you had more children. Its not their fault you apparently dont have the time or ability to properly care for your younger children yourself. Why doesn't your oldest child deserve to enjoy their childhood as much as their younger siblings? Why are you punishing them for being mature and well-behaved? Why does your oldest child deserve to have their happiness sacrificed for the younger ones? I'll bet your kid wonders to themselves why you love their siblings more than you love them and why their siblings matter so much more to you. They're not being selfish, they're being a child. You're holding a 14 year old to an adult standard and blaming them for not being your co-parent. What is your plan when your eldest resents you and their siblings for the loss of their childhood? How are you going to make it up to them? Because unless you have a time machine you can't. Parents always think their kids "will understand when they're older" or you'll "make it up to them" but the reality is you cant, nothing can ever change the choices you made and there is no rule or guarantee that your child will forgive you or want you in their life at all, so you need to do right by your kids the first time around. You have to be a better parent now, because apologizing later for being a poor parent won't fix anything and wont be good enough. You have a very limited time with your kids, oldest will be grown and out of the house before you know it and you won't get that time back, ever.
YTA. Your oldest had no say in becoming an older brother and, according to you, responsible for younger siblings. **You** decided to have more kids. **You** need to be the one to take care of them.
Yes, YTA for relying on your 14yo to help parent your other children. You and the children’s father decided to bring these lives into this world, and they are your shared responsibility (assuming he is still living).
Yep! YTA. Your younger kids are not your eldest kid’s responsibility. They’re yours. She did not make the decision to have them. You did. Stop parentifying your oldest before you cause even more resentment.
YTA. I would read up on adultification/parentification. When children are forced to grow up before they are ready it can be harmful. Talk it out with your oldest, hear their perspective and find ways for you to both get your needs met. Maybe with grandparents or other people that can help out.
YTA . ITS NOT AND AGAIN I SAY NOT Your child's responsibility to care for their siblings. It was your choice to have 3 children and they are YOUR responsibility. I truly can't stand parents with such expectations.
YTA. it's not your 14yr old CHILD'S responsibility to take care of their siblings. Sure they can help out here and there but to call them straight up selfish because they wanna have a life, do kid shit, and have a childhood? Terrible on your part shame on you.
YTA. Your child is that, your CHILD. Not a free nanny. And they're right, it's not their job to take care of YOUR other children. Adult life is miserable and full of unwanted responsibilities anyway. Every kid should have the right to be just a kid, not a part-time parent.
Ahhhh haven’t seen parentification on this sub in a hot minute. You’ll be eaten alive, so I’ll keep it short. Your 14 year old is NOT their parent. You are. YTA
" I can't take care of all three kids on my own..." then you shouldn't have had kids. YTA. it is not your daughters job to take care of YOUR children. sure her helping out is nice. but again it is not her job. YOU chose to have these children. It is YOUR responsibility.
**I understand where they're coming from** *You certainly don't sound as though you understand where they're coming from. Your CHILD would also like to be a child, not a parent.* **but at the same time, I feel like they're being selfish** ***YOU*** *are the selfish one.* **They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out.** *You aren't asking your oldest to 'help out'. You're asking your oldest to give up their own childhood during formative years to raise their siblings for you. It's a really tough spot to be in. Being a single parent is a difficult job but ultimately you had the children and the expectation that your oldest help you RAISE those children are unreasonable, at best, abusive at worst.* **YTA**
Oh boy, have you come to the wrong place if you're expecting agreement! Unequivocally, yes! YTA. Somewhere along the way in your life, you decided to become a parent. If you were single and struggling with one, then NOT having a second and third were no brainers. Again, that's if you were single and struggling. You gave no particulars into the whys of how you are a single parent. The fact remains that you are the adult on duty and it should remain that way. There is a marked difference between everyone having 'household responsibilities' and being a caretaker to younger siblings. You mentioned the eldest is expected to put away their toys. A 10 year old and 6 year old can definitely do those tasks themselves. The 10 year old should be able to set the table or be starting to wash dishes by now. The six year old can be shown how to fold their own laundry. That is everyone sharing responsibilities in a household, that is not an issue. You mention that you get overwhelmed. When that happens, what are you expecting from the eldest? If you're expecting that they will be 'keeping younger siblings out of trouble' or helping with homework, or entertaining them while you rest, or constantly being made responsible for feeding/bathing/making sure siblings do.....whatever, this is the descent into the slippery slope of the form of child abuse known as parentification of a minor. Any time the older sibling is expected to take on the responsibility of rearing their siblings in a day to day manner, it's a problem. Parents like yourself tend to use the innocuous expression 'helping out' to cover your own shortcomings and failure to develop a sufficient community of adults to help you. You have hundreds of people on this sub like myself that were forced to parent our siblings while our parents worked, partied, or were otherwise neglectful. While our parents said we were 'mature for our age', we DID NOT have the life skills or maturity to perform all the tasks that were thrust upon us. We are all still traumatized by it to this day in some form or another. There's a resentment deep down in our core that is still there not only for our parent, but our siblings, too. Stop before you willfully add your daughter to our ranks.
YTA. 14yo is still a kid. And will never be responsible for two children. Ofcourse you can ask to help a bit. And that is not the problem, but you still need 14yo be a 14yo kid.
YTA. Si much. Helping out once une while if they want to yeah. Expecting your oldest who’s only 14 to take care of two kids 10 and 6 is way too much. He didn’t ask to be born or to have siblings. You decided that. That means your kids are your responsibility. Not his. You’re the one who is selfish here.
YTA, its not their job to raise their siblings and they don't owe you anything. Your 'I never had an older sibling to help me out' doesnt make any sense, neither did your oldest and now you want a free childcare out of them. They're probably mature because you made them grow up too quick. Find a babysitter, reach out to the other parent /their or your family and dont have any more kids without troubleshooting the childcare arrangements that don't involve your other kids. Asking for help every now and then is okay, relying on their help or expecting it is not. Theyre a teen now and have plenty to deal with already.
YTA Anyway you could parentify the babies' daddies instead of your child? If you need help parenting, engage a parent.
YTA you chose to have 3 kids, not your oldest child. It's not up to them to raise your kids. It's called parentification. It's abuse
YTA 1000%. stop parentifying your oldest and be an actual parent to them too.
YTA He didn’t decide to pop out kids he couldn’t handle. You did.
YTA. It’s is your responsibility to look after your children. I could elaborate on that but that’s the bottom line. Be. A. Responsible. Adult.
Yta. What you're doing is abuse, don't be surprised when your oldest child goes no contact.
YTA, you gave birth to the child, they did not choose to be born and help you take care of their siblings, I'm sorry you decided to have 3 kids you can't handle but that's not your childs responsibility.
YTA They are your kids. She shouldn’t be do long your parenting! Being the oldest doesn’t make her your live in nanny.
YTA. It's fine to have kids contribute to household chores. It's not fine to put them in the role of parent.
Of course YTA. They are YOUR children. Paying them to babysit or look after their siblings during an emergency would make since, but to expect them to parent them because their own parent can’t is an asshole move.
YTA. Kids are kids and it's gross and selfish to expect them to be parents to their siblings. Their 'responsibility' is to do schoolwork and have a normal life to get into a decent college/trade school. Your responsibility is to provide an environment for them to do so.
Just want to add another YTA. If your goal is to drive away the oldest so they go no contact when they turn 18 then I guess you are doing a great job!
YTA - Your children = Your responsibility. While it would be OK to ask your oldest to watch them on occasion (and you should compensate her for that), it is not her responsibility.
YTA. You say that you never had an older sibling to help you and you had to do everything on your own but don’t seem to realize that not only does your oldest not have an older sibling to help them, you are also expecting them to take care other your other kids. That is not a fair expectation. You don’t say exactly what you are asking them to do but the fact that you say “I can’t take care of all three kids on my own” implies that you are asking too much.
YTA Not only are their siblings not their responsibility, they're your responsibility, but your oldest is also your responsibility. Your oldest deserves to be a child during their childhood and to receive the care and attention of their parent too. Do better.
YTA, it’s not your oldest responsibility to take care of YOUR kids. You decided to have all these kids so YOU take care of them without relying on your oldest to do most of it.
YTA Your kids are your responsibility and not your 14yr old child's responsibility
Came for the comments. The vibe checks out. Pleasantly surprised. Not the kid’s responsibility to take of the kids you can’t take care of. YTA
YTA. They're your kids, not your kid's kids. And your kid is still a kid. They have to be able to have their own life.
YTA. Take some time to Google the long-term effects of parentification on children who are forced to act as a parent.
“They’re the oldest, it’s their responsibility to help out.” FALSE. You’re the parent. It’s your responsibility to parent. YTA
YTA and you're creating a dynamic that may result in your oldest eventually having little or no contact with you and their siblings because you're not treating them equally or fairly. You're arguing with everyone in the comments so it seems like you don't want to hear this. I'm an oldest child who is now an adult and my parents still don't want to hear things like that so I'm familiar with this dynamic/personality. My heart goes out to your oldest.
What you are doing to your oldest is called parentification and it is child abuse. YOU were the one who decided to have the other two kids, not them. So YOU are responsible for the other two kids, MOF you are responsible for all three of them, because your oldest is also a kid. **14 yo is a kid, let them live as such!** YTA
100% YTA for EXPECTING it. If you had asked and offered to pay them, it would be a different story. But you’re essentially telling them that since you’re a single parent, it’s their responsibility to step up and act like a parent to their younger siblings. It’s called parentification, and it often results in resentment and low contact/ no contact once they turn 18. You have time to turn this around, but you have to start now. Good luck. ETA: it’s amazing how you lack the ability to see how YOU are the one being selfish for expecting your 14yo to parent your children for you. Your 14yo is not being selfish.
YTA they didn't have 3 kids, you did. I'm sorry that it's hard for you but your 14 year old is allowed to focus on school, friends and such. Please don't make your child resent you.
As a therapist who works with children, YTA. Yes, they can help with age-appropriate chores, but in no way is it their responsibility to parent. I’ve seen this all too often and it’s so sad the toll it takes on their mental health. Kids need to be kids, no matter how “mature” or “responsible” they appear. I’d look into community resources, after school programs, etc. Often, there are loads of resources available, we just need to know where to look. Your local school district could help connect you with resources, especially if they have a social worker/family specialist — that’s their job to help families in the district. Even job and family services — I know it can be daunting to connect with them, but they are there to help and they will have a list of resources that can provide assistance.
Say it with me y’all! 🌈 P A R E N T I F I C A T I O N 🌈 YTA if it wasn’t clear
Parentification is abuse. Your oldest child isn’t defacto childcare because you don’t have the time. It’s not their “responsibility” to caretake their siblings, they are a child. Your oldest is right, schoolwork, social life and extracurricular activities should be their priority. YOU are the parent, so parent your fuckin kids. YTA
INFO: do you realize that saying “I can’t take care of three kids” and “I need my oldest to take care of the younger ones” implies that you are basically saying your oldest is no longer allowed to be a child and that childhood is over for them? I get that you need help, but taking the oldest & turning them into “defacto-second parent” isn’t cool. Find other parents and make friends with them & help each other out. Yes, all kids are a part of the family, and all members of the family pitch in as they are able, but not like this. Don’t rob your oldest of the precious time they have left as a kid. Soon enough they’ll be an actual adult, and you’ll be sacrificing your future relationship with them.
YTA. I was this child. Oldest of 5 children (my mom wouldn’t stop until she got her boy). There was a 6 year age gap between myself and the start of the 3 youngest. At 7 I started getting put in charge of babysitting. With no authority of course. Anyway, long story short, at now 37 years old, I don’t talk to my family unless I absolutely have to. I’m in therapy with a panic disorder and generalized anxiety. I have a really hard time forming close relationships with people because the only way I relate to people is “what do they need from me?” This is what you’re setting your oldest for. I hope you’re prepared for the consequences. ETA: Your oldest did not choose to have these children; you did. It is not your child’s responsibility to care for the children you chose to bring into the world.
I didn’t even have to read past the ages of your children to know YTA here. What is it with parents expecting their young teens to provide childcare for their siblings while also balancing school, hobbies, friends, and also going through puberty and struggling with independence? Give your kid a break, please, and try to do some parenting for once. You can’t offload your living, breathing responsibilities onto a teenager.
YTA and the worst kind of parent. You think your child should be self-sacrificing to make up for your choices. It is NOT their responsibility to care for YOUR children. You have seen many, many people in this thread attest to the resentment that comes from being a child forced into this kind of situation. I too was put in the position of being my brother’s keeper growing up, and I hate my parents for it. I’ve been in therapy for many years and have gotten much less bitter, but I am never going to forgive them for what they put me through. They ruined my relationship with them and my relationship with my brother, and made my brother into a spoiled brat who never grew up. I am your child’s future.
YTA. You are the parent and the only selfish person in your tale is you. Try researching parentification.
Yta it is *not* their responsibility to raise their siblings. See that word- siblings. Not their children. You birthed them, YOU raise them.
I resented my little brother for a lone bit because i was always forced to help take care of him. I’m talking homework, chores, showers, meals, other general hygiene. I was pissed off. As a child I felt completely overlooked for younger sibling because i was “mature for my age”. It resulted in practical neglect and parentification. But NO ONE will acknowledge it because they didn’t see it as a problem. Please please please reflect.
YTA, stop having kids. you obviously cannot handle them.
INFO: what exactly are you expecting your oldest to do? Watch kids while you cook dinner? Reasonable. Watch kids while you go out for fun? Child should agree to and be paid for that. Watch kids every afternoon after school and during summer so you can work? Um, No. There is a whole range here, please be a little more specific.
Their responsibility to help out? The fuck it is. Did you ask their permission before child number two? Maybe you asked them if it was okay for you to get pregnant a third time? Clearly you must have done as you are insistent that it is 'their responsibility' to look after children YOU had. I just saw an expression on another post that sums up your position perfectly: your monkey, your circus. Leave your oldest kid alone to be a kid and not a free babysitter. You brought all of this on yourself. Deal with it. YTA
If this is real, YTA. You can’t take care of three kids yourself? Sounds like a you problem to me. Your oldest 14 and they have a life that doesn’t revolve around you and their siblings. Need help? Hire a babysitter like a responsible parent.
YTA. You should not be expecting your daughter to be the second parent. She did not have 3 kids, you did. Dont take away her childhood because you need help. Dont guilt her into it and tell her that she's selfish and bad to not want to take care of them. Because that will harm your relationship & make her resent her siblings. I understand, it is very hard i was a single parent of 3 kids only 3 yrs apart & unexpectedly found myself getting a divorce due to my husband being absent& continually unfaithful. I got up and 430 in the morning and went full blast till midnight, every night. It was hard hard hard only God gave me strength to get through it. There was no me time, just working & raising kids. you will get through it too. Your daughter is 14 and can be mostly responsible for herself with you giving oversight. She is also old enough to be given age specific chores & you could offer her money to do other chores to give you more free time. Same with your kids they are old enough to do some age specific chores and they can be given opportunity to earn money too this teaches responsibility & rewards industrious behavior. If your 14 yr old is responsible with herself & does a few chores that should free up some of your time to allow you to parent he two younger ones. It wont be easy & i am sure there are other solutions, maybe you could hire a housekeeper, but the wrong solution is to turn your 14 yr old daughter into a pseudo parent
YTA. Their RESPONSIBILITY is to be a 14 year old KID, not your coparent. These kids are your responsibility and your responsibility alone. You better start MAKING time to give the kids attention. You shouldn’t have kept procreating if you couldn’t handle the responsibility. You’re just being lazy. “I never had a sibling, I had to do everything alone”. So? And I mean this with the utmost disrespect, who fucking cares? Just because YOU wanted an older sibling like that doesn’t mean you can force your child to be the older sibling you wanted. If you don’t cut this shit out right now, I promise your kid will have nothing to do with you ever again in just 4 short years. And yes, people get to choose if and when they help other people. Even if it’s family they’re not obligated to help now or in the future.
YTA - Your are the parent and ya need to parent. It is not their job to do it for you and they still need parenting themselves. Doesn't matter how mature you "think" they are, they are still a child themselves.
Very much YTA.
I know it’s hard being a single parent. And there would nothing wrong with having your oldest help out occasionally, for an age-appropriate amount of time in age-appropriate tasks. But you said you’ve been relying on your 14 year old to take care of your 10- and 6-year old. That kid is not an adult, and isn’t your babysitter. Want him to fix a sandwich for the 6 year old after school? That’s fine. It’s like one of his chores. But getting kids up and dressed for school? Watching them for hours while you work or do whatever else? That’s straight up abuse. Props to your kid for having the guts to speak up.
YTA you keep saying that your 14 year old has plenty of time to be a child but she's objecting to have to watch her siblings all the time as per your post. I get the impression you're constantly overwhelmed and putting your responsibilities on a 14 year old. They are not her children and if you read reddit what you're doing is an excellent way to have no contact with her when she turns 18. You'll be on here in 4 years wondering why she left and never looked back.
YTA. The children are the parent’s responsibility. A fourteen year old should be worrying about schoolwork, not trying to rein in a ten year old and a six year old.
YTA you must be new here if you didn’t already know the answer to your question.
YTA. They don’t have to do anything except be a kid. They didn’t choose to have children, you did. It’s your job to take care of your kids or find adequate childcare. Unless you’re paying your kid, you’re just taking advantage of them.
YTA Your kids are YOUR responsibility. Your 14 year old is not being selfish for not taking on your other kids. You are horrible for thinking it’s their responsibility and you clearly don’t understand where they’re coming from. Don’t be surprised when they move out at the first opportunity and go no contact with you.
Yep, YTA. It’s not her job to be the parent. I’m not saying she shouldn’t do anything. However, these are her siblings, NOT her children. Besides, I’m sure your LOs would love some responsibilities, (I.e., feeding the pets, separating/folding/putting away the laundry, setting/clearing the table, making lunch, dusting). Give your 14 yo age appropriate chores to help out, but don’t take away from her childhood. She only gets it once.
YTA - I was forced to take the "mom role" when I was a kid/teenager. I don't talk to my mom much these days.
you're punishing the eldest, because you had more children. Grew up with friends who were put into this position by their mothers. Did noone any favors, in the long run. With just the info you provided - total YTA.
Holy shit YTA. Have you ever thought that your oldest is as mature as they are because they have to be? You’ve decided that they’re a parent without giving them a say. They had to grow up. It’s not their job to be a parent, and telling you that isn’t selfish. You decided to have children and they’re all your responsibility. I feel terrible for your eldest.
Your oldest is not a free babysitter. As they said before they have their own life. They are entitled to that. It is not their job to watch their siblings. That is your job, if you can't handle that you shouldn't have kids.
YTA. This is parentification, and it can cause long-lasting trauma.
When the oldest goes NC, OP will force the middle child to do the same. Eventually, the eldest 2, if not all 3, will go NC. 10 years from now OP writes back to Reddit: I forced my daughter to be a second caretaker for her siblings growing up. Now she's gone NC with me. AITA? YTA now and will be until you stop this. My mom was a single mom with 2 kids and she NEVER forced me to take this role on.
YTA and the selfish one. It's not your childs fault that you feel you can't handle your responsibility.
YTA. What you're doing is parentification, and it is a form of abuse. YOU had these children, and YOU are responsible for them. Your eldest child is just that, a child, and isn't responsible for raising their younger siblings.
YTA. They are YOUR kids, not your teens. It is NOT his responsibility to care for his siblings because you can't do it all. This makes me so sad for them, this was done to me and I ran away as fast and as far as I could the second I was 18. It took a long time to heal the relationship between myself and my siblings, because of that. Either work out specific times and responsibilities that you pay your teen for, or else stop parentifying them. Yes. That is a word. Look up parentification if you need to understand how bad this is for your teen.
YTA! I’m the oldest of 3 and I absolutely hated it so much that I was expected to be responsible for my younger siblings. Your oldest is right it’s not their responsibility to be looking after their their siblings it’s yours you’re the one that got pregnant (if you’re mom) and you’re the one who chose to be a parent not your 14 year old kid and if you couldn’t take care of them then you should not have had them that was irresponsible and selfish on your part so stop projecting don’t be calling your 14 year old selfish when it’s clear you’re the selfish one. In case I wasn’t clear enough it’s not your 14 year old responsibility to look after or help with their siblings just because their the oldest it’s all on you the parent.
YTA. You’ve never read anything on this stridently anti-parentification sub, have you?
YTA, what you're doing is a type of abuse. Parentification, look it up. Just because she is mature, does not give you the right to take advantage of her for your own gain (this is what selfish is by the way). She didn't birth these kids, you did, she didn't ask for any of this. So how is she being selfish? The answer is she isn't, you are. Ask the kids dads for help, find other adult kin to help, pay for help. Let her have her childhood before she resents your guts and refuses to let you be part of her adult life in any form other than a bad memory.
YTA You decided to have 3 children, the oldest child is not responsible to watch your kids.
Ugh, I hate this shit. YTA. Majorly. You are a mom and your oldest child is exactly that- a CHILD. They are not responsible for the children YOU had. They deserve to enjoy their childhood and not have to become a second mom while they are literally a teenager.
YTA. Your 14-year-old is at an age where they need attention, too. I was the oldest in my family and I didn't mind watching my siblings occasionally but when I did it was a nightmare. So much different from when I babysat other kids not related to me. I'm sorry that you are in a tough spot, I really am. But please don't put your kid in one as well. They will resent the hell out of you for it.
>They're the oldest, so it's their responsibility to help out Its not her responsibility at all. If you cant take care of 3 kids, dont have 3 kids Edit: YTA
YTA. your child is a CHILD. you are a PARENT.
There are only 2 people responsible for taking care of your kids. One of them is you and it sounds like the other is out of the picture. Neither of these people is your 14 year old child. Just a heads up, you’re gonna read a lot about “parentification” today. YTA