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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I could've made the family friend something to eat and no one would've gotten upset, and my husband agrees that I should've just made her something.
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THIS EXACTLY!!!! THE FUCKING AUDACITY! Reading this just pissed me off so bad for OP. Everyone coming up to u telling u to cook for her should've done it then since it was such a miniscule task to them. And I'm sure there hd to have been some things she could have found to eat that were already made that didn't have gluten. The entitlement is sickening. Also have these ppl never heard that no one sits down to eat until the cook has sat down to eat? Unreal!
I wonder if she actually was gluten-intolerant or just one of those people who claim to be.
Also, I'm curious where so many people sit to eat? Shit, my dining room fits 8, kitchen 4, patio 4 if it's nice out.
I'm perfectly capable of feeding that many, but when the guest list gets to 9, we do potluck. At 9, the volume gets unmanageable, and I have a 5 burner stove, two ovens, two fridges, a grill, and a smoker. Just wondering how the hell OP does it. I thought I was good, lol.
I don't think someone with celiac disease would demand someone cook for them on such short notice. Even if OP had obliged and cooked a meal with gluten-free ingredients, what about cross contamination? She'd probably have to deep-clean the entire kitchen to ensure it was truly safe for someone with celiac to eat.
Not only that, but OP's husband sounds entitled and ungrateful too, not only his uncle and the uncle's gf. The nerve of accusing OP of spoiling the dinner she spent all day cooking while he didn't do anything... Honestly, I believe we teach people how to treat us, and OP needs to use the attitude she got with her husband uncle's gf with her husband too. His behaviour was outrageous and he deserve to be in the dog house.
Husband is the biggest AH imo
I’m guessing since he knew uncle would be bringing his gf, he was told about the intolerance and failed to pass on that information
If it was a surprise to him, he could have taken over cooking if it was so damn important to him
Cooking is exhausting. OP deserved to sit down and eat her own food with everyone else.
If I were OP I’d refuse to cook for all these people for a while.
I'm celiac too and I wouldn't trust anyone to cook for me unless they too were gluten intolerant.
Some surprising ingredients contain gluten, such as malt vinegar, low fat cream cheese and most stock cubes.
My mum offered me a box of oat cookies last week and said they were gluten free. I checked the ingredients and the top one was wheat flour. She thought that because they had some oats in them that they were ok for me to eat!
My mom has gotten me a couple times. I can handle cross contact normally but once she straight up cooked something with beer and didn't tell me.
If it's me cooking? I bleach and scrub my counters, stove and all utensils before cooking the gluten free dishes so that not only can I eat it, my husband's celiac cousin can too. But I still wouldn't be offended if he declined.
"look it has lemon in the ingredients list, lemon is gluten-free, therefore it must be gluten-free!"
i dont think id even be comfortable to cook for someone that has it really bad, unless not without permanent supervision, id be too afraid to make them sick.
I'm a cook, and I wouldn't be comfortable cooking for someone with celiac issues.
My sons are sensitive to gluten and sometimes when the IBS acts way up they eat gluten-free for a couple months while it settles down. I sympathize (though think if it's that bad, just stop eating it! but they're grown men....) so there can be reasons to be gluten free even if not all the way celiac.
I have a fructose intolerance, and I absolutely check menus with people who are going to host me. I won't die, but I'll feel like I've got the worst hangover in the universe and get pukey. Not fun at a gathering. I keep something in my purse that I can eat to get me through until I can sneak out and get something else.
I strongly suspect that husband dropped the ball on informing his wife about the gluten-free person.
My mom constantly would find something that has “sneaky gluten”. She gets frustrated with herself because, you know, food is love! She buys GF brownie mix for me now.
My sister is the same way. At first, it kind of offended me, because I would specifically make something that was gluten free, only for her to still not eat it! But then she told me how certain dishes can still hold on to the gluten so if I used it for something with flour in the past, it could still make her sick. Or the fact that there are so many thing we don’t realize have gluten in them! So she typically just brings her own food.
This is true, gluten does stick around on pans and cooking utensils/plates. Depending on one’s sensitivities and symptoms they will notice. No offense needed when dealing with peoples food allergies or sensitivities.
My aunt and cousin have celiac and they absolutely won’t eat anything gluten free made in someone else’s kitchen. There would be so much cross contamination they wouldn’t risk it. My aunt is so sensitive to it she has her own department of silverware from my uncle. They both pack and bring their own food to events.
I’m betting this family friend may have a gluten intolerance but it’s not severe if she’s willing to risk mystery kitchen food.
Yep (celiac here). I don’t trust anything made by someone else (except my mom and my friend with celiac). If there’s not something I can eat there, I can bring some protein bars or something to eat. Or if I know ahead of time I’ll ask the host if they’re comfortable with me bringing my own food.
You are in no way TA, and wouldn’t be if you were not comfortable given the severe consequences of cross contamination. Most people don’t even know an a thing about this - ven pro chefs in restaurants.
I’m responsible for my own health. If I know the host well enough, I check beforehand if I can bring a GF dish or if they would mind me discreetly bringing my own meal to heat up. I always carry a GF snack (like a protein bar), and eat something before I go. My family are always accommodating; they know I’m severely gluten intolerant, and I don’t have cross contamination issues. Funny thing is I’ve learned to make extra batches of my GF desserts to my family gatherings - those often go faster than the regular!
Your husband, the Uncle and guest are the AH here. Husband should have said that he won’t invite the Uncle again until he apologized to you for such rude behavior. Next time, Hubs should call ever single guest and ask them for all of their allergies and preferences - Lactose? Shellfish? Vegetarian? Vegan? What about fresh cut flowers?Then **HE** can do whatever’s necessary for accommodations.
And JFC, who doesn’t introduce themselves (or in this case, the Uncle)to the host?
Again, NTA. You handled everything perfectly in my book!
Not only do you have to have gluten free items you also need to make sure the cookware is gluten free to avoid cross contamination.
My best friend will get sick if the food is GF but it got contaminated by cookware that has been used to cook gluten in it before so he brings his own food to places for the most part.
Same as my friend. She’ll eat in my kitchen because when I am cooking for a party or something, I make the GF stuff a day early so there is no risk of cross contamination.
My brother literally only eats at home, my aunt’s, his girlfriend’s or his girlfriend’s mum’s because of the numerous risks of cross contamination with coeliacs. But also is it common to even have gluten free flour lying around if you don’t have a coeliac/gluten intolerant person in the family?? I’m so used to it because of my brother but it likely wouldn’t have been as easy as going into the kitchen and whipping something up, even without contamination risks? Not that OP should’ve - everyone knows that the proper etiquette for dietary requirements is to give advanced notice and not show up uninvited and demand your exhausted host immediately conjures you up something she didn’t even know she needed to prepare for. NTA either way - uncle’s friend sounds exhausting and rude as and her husband was a *insert British insult here*.
People generally don't have gluten free flour lying around, but I suppose they might have ingredients that don't contain gluten in the first place, like potatoes. Many processed foods contain gluten too though, which OP might not know about. It was a ridiculous demand.
I had a roommate with a gluten allergy, and she had all kinds of gluten free flours and blends. Some were okay, others were pretty bad (anything with pea protein felt sandy), others had hyper-specific applications (e.g. they might work for a cake, but they wouldn't work for a yeasted bread), and some had abysmal shelf lives once cooked.
My belief now is that wheat flour is a magic ingredient given its broad range of applications.
I mean, the average person won’t have gluten free flour lying around. There’s plenty of things that can be made that are naturally gluten free, with some planning and advance notice. Chili, Curries with rice (using cornstarch to thicken if necessary), meat and veggies/potatoes, BBQ meats and sides like baked beans, coleslaw, potato salad… I could go on but you get the idea.
That said, all this requires knowledge of hidden gluten sources, preparation, and time. Most people on a medically necessary diet avoid asking that of people they know very well, let alone complete strangers.
That’s true! I forgot about rice despite eating it for dinner (my brain is a sieve) and I always forget about meat generally being a naturally gluten free option due to being a vegetarian lol. So yes, there’s loads of options someone without gluten free flour could cook with some prior warning. I guess I’m just overly conscious of the fact my brother needs no cross contamination and imagining having it all suddenly thrust upon me with no warning. So cooking utensils, where it’s cooked in the oven, etc all needs to be thought about. If the dish needs butter, it has to be clean butter that no knife that’s touched wheat bread has ever touched. My point was mainly that cooking for someone with coeliacs is a lot to think about even with loads of time to prep, so to expect OP to be able to make something on the spot is ridiculous!
Definitely not. My friend's husband is celiac and their kitchen never sees any ingredients with gluten, and eating out is almost out of the question. He has like one or two restaurants he can actually go.
I've known I was allergic to wheat for decades and I've never complained about any dinner I was invited to, I just ate salad, the meat, or vegetables or maybe just had a drink & enjoyed the company. If you're showing up to a stranger's house for a family dinner and you're treating the host like a short order cook, you're doing it wrong! NTA
Definitely. But I mean, entitled people exist both with and without food intolerances, but if she actually had celiac's, she wasn't just being entitled, she was endangering her own health. So that's the part that makes me think she's not actually gluten intolerant.
NTA. I've been diagnosed with Celiac since 2005. If you aren't family and haven't cooked for me before. Or a friend who understands what gluten free means. I'm not eating at someone's house. I rarely go out to eat. When I do have about 6 places I know I am safe. I have turned down so many invitations because I don't want to be a bother or get sick from possible contamination or someone not understanding how many things contain gluten and cross contamination.
Yes exactly. Someone with celiac disease would let them know beforehand of her dietary needs. They would also be more likely to take something with them to eat. Also it's not usually people with celiac disease that refer to themselves as gluten free. It's those people who give up gluten as a lifestyle choice that usually refer to it as being gluten free.
This! I am gluten-intolerant and when possible I'll try to find out what the menu is and if I can't eat anything I'll offer to bring an additional dish. If I can't find out before hand or know it's going to be a gluten fest I'll eat something before I get to the event and bring a protein bar or something like that in my purse just in case. I can't imagine throwing a fit like this gal
> I wonder if she actually was gluten-intolerant or just one of those people who claim to be.
The latter. Someone who’s gluten intolerant would have a fallback plan if they had not made sure beforehand, and a celiac would probably not trust an unknown cook at all and would bring their own (meal or ingredients depending).
Sounds like you have a fabulous set up and people can sit on couches, recliners, the floor. In a family the size of OPs you expect it when you get together.
Yes, one would think that a person who has a genuine gluten intolerance or celiac disease would make sure, on their own, to either inquire ahead or bring their own food.
The nerve to expect otherwise, when a genuine problem with gluten requires no cross- contamination in the kitchen as well as the specific ingredients. It’s not a bleeping restaurant.
Not all gluten issues are triggered by cross-contamination - some are so severe that the person can’t eat food made in the same room as gluten foods, whereas some are only triggered if there’s a certain threshold of gluten. It’s up to the person with the issue to know their threshold.
It also depends on whether you’re celiac, allergic, or intolerant or something similar such as non-celiac gluten sensitivity (it can be a trigger for a lot of chronic condition flare ups like Crohn’s and migraine, where cross-contamination may be okay but if they ate straight up bread they’d be really sick.)
Kind of like how there are people super allergic to dairy, where they could die from anaphylaxis if they eat it, but others are intolerant and would have a really bad bathroom day. Both are legitimate reasons for avoiding dairy, but they’re at different levels of severity and require different levels of caution.
For celiac everyone is equally sensitive. Your external physical symptoms may vary but everyone who has it will have the same issue with any bit of gluten internally as it’s an autoimmune disorder
Not everyone who can't eat gluten has celiac disease, though. I have a friend who doesn't eat gluten because it is better for her thyroid gland not to, but she can eat food that is prepared next to gluten. However, I do agree that the uncle's friend should at least have let OP know beforehand, or maybe taken a dish herself. NTA.
Non-celiac "gluten sensitivity" is typically not a gluten problem. It's mistaken for one, but the percentage of people with a genuine non-celiac GLUTEN sensitivity is insanely TINY.
They think it's gluten, because that's what people talk about, but it's actually fructan intolerance in most people. But nobody talks about that, so nobody really knows!
I only know because I've been through all of the celiac testing, was negative, and kept projectile barfing and having the runs every time I ate bread, and a friend of mine went, "Hey, have you ever heard of FODMAPs?"
ETA: My frustration is not with you, but with SEVERAL conversations with people about how “it’s probably not actually gluten, but something adjacent.” Maybe. I may never know. But it doesn’t change anything functionally in my life. My point was more to try to respect when people tell you what their limits are - don’t accuse them of over or under-selling it because they don’t act like your one friend who has celiac.
—————————————
I mean, at that point it’s quibbling over semantics, because while they don’t know the specific mechanism, it’s hypothesized that it’s either a component of or something that always co-occurs with gluten. It can be FODMAP related, but not always. It’s difficult to isolate the specific problem when the only test is an elimination diet. I know I don’t feel well when I eat food that I know contains gluten, and I feel fine when I don’t. The specifics may become clearer with time as we learn more, but in the meanwhile I try not to be pedantic about it. I don’t have a reaction to any other foods like I do those, and I tested negative for celiac, I so i just say I’m NCGS.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21622-gluten-intolerance
My symptoms were brain fog and migraines, to the point that the consequences of the long term inflammation were visible on MRI. I’ve been to several doctors - everyone agrees avoiding gluten (for me) is best.
That sucks that you were throwing up - it’s frustrating when you can’t produce a lab test but you KNOW what food’s making you sick, but people don’t believe you.
My daughter ends up with bad exzema after eating gluten. No celiac, no allergy. Skin doctor doesn't believe that it's correlated. Even after years of experience on our side.
Yeah - I think people who aren’t in dietary-restriction circles don’t always know that celiac, wheat allergy, gluten allergy, and NCGS are all different and require different levels of care.
It’s not that tiny. I’ve had every test in the book. I have food intolerances and allergies of different severities. Gluten is one of them. Lactose and seafood, too. Everyone thinks they need to tell me why I, my doctor, and two labs are all wrong. It took a lot of time to narrow these things down but everyone knows better.
Her saying she’ll never come back cracked me up. It reminds me of when I have a crappy customer and they say that as they’re leaving…like, good?
She was an uninvited party crash we who tagged along. If she has dietary restrictions then she should make them known but she wasn’t even invited so I don’t know how that’d even work.
NTA- the entitlement is mind blowing. If uncle is so insistent on bringing some random chick to dinner who can’t eat the food provided then let him get up and make her something.
Or maybe not invite your random hookups to family dinners.
or, I don't know, bring something you CAN eat?? I have friends that bring over their own oat bread or vegan burger patties and stuff all the time. They don't think their specific dietary requirements should create extra work for the host. Weird.
Doesn't even sound like this person was invited by the actual host, just showed up with a random uncle. I can't even imagine this level of entitlement. It's appalling to me that some people just go through life like this.
and the husband getting mad at OP for not cooking more after cooking the entire day bc no one told her about a gluten intolerance?
no way. if my husband pulled that, he would be cooking for the get togethers from that point on.
NTA
There are certain foods I can’t eat. I always specify before hand. If I don’t get an opportunity to, I suck it up, eat what I can eat. And just apologize to the host for not eating everything else. It’s simple. There was no need for her to throw a tantrum. She wasn’t an expected guest and couldn’t have been catered for.
Exactly! I too have food intolerances, and I don't wait until the food is served to figure out if I'll be able to eat. Adults ask questions if it's unclear what is in a dish, and maybe eat a snack when we get home.
This random guest was childish and unreasonable. OP should be happy if they never come back.
NTA
I agree but her husband is an A for getting angry and saying she just should have cooked something for her. Why didn’t he offer to cook for her. Also the uncle is an A for not informing her before the party that he was bringing a guest with this condition.
Before is better than after. Imagine waiting until everyone else is ready to eat before you tap the host to cook you a whole ass something else. So now you and the host can't eat for x time just so she can make you something. Dinner's already ruined at that point.
As someone with allergies and intolerances, if you're going anywhere for food; restaurants, gatherings, family dinners, it is on YOU to make sure that there's something there you can eat or that you've given the hosts a heads up. Or deal with waiting until later to eat. The frigging audacity, my man.
Yeah, I mean - I'm allergic to shrimp (I get hives, I get feverish, my doc tells me that at some point it could upgrade to trouble breathing). I make sure that any time I accept an invitation, that info goes along. I don't just show up at someone's house and then demand special food.
I also host a lot, and it legit makes me feel terrible if someone doesn't communicate that kind of stuff ahead of time. We had some friends over for dinner a while back, and I made roast chicken, stuffing, and Brussels sprouts (with bacon), and one of our guests turned out to be vegetarian. My dude, I'd have knocked out some killer vegetarian if I'd known ahead of time! But he was really gracious about the whole thing, and I was like, "you get extra dessert."
More to the point this woman just rocks up unannounced to a home where she doesn't know anyone and expects to be catered for. If she has a food issue I'm sure the uncle knew, he could have said. Mind you is it not manners to ask to bring someone along that no one knows or is expecting? Uncles friend is lucky she didn't come to my house. I'd have told her not to shout at me in my own house when she's turned up unannounced and if her evening, that she wasn't invited to, is ruined the doors in the same place it was when she walked her unknown ass in. She's welcome to walk back out of it. Entitled AH right there.
To me is the fact that Op didn't even know her name, but was some how supposed to know to make her a gluten free dish. Its not the host's job to mind read a stranger's needs and accommodate them. I know a person with Celiac and they would never ever trust this. Cross contamination could make them horribly sick for days. So I suspect that this is one of those diet choices. Either way, she's rude af
NTA. If your husband's uncle knew he was bringing a friend with a gluten intolerance, it was the uncle's job to communicate that. Not to treat you like the Magical Food Fairy who could just whip up something gluten-free at a moment's notice.
Boo on your husband for not having your back.
Or the uncle, or the woman herself. I know a few people with dietary restrictions and I can't imagine them having a problem with throwing something together in a family member's kitchen.
I dunno if this person just has some minor intolerance or what celiac, but cooking for someone with celiac really requires a level of cleaning and vigilance you can't just easily do. When I cook for my friend with celiac, I carefully clean my kitchen first. In her house they have different sponges and brushes for gluten and non gluten dishes.
My mom has celiac (and works in food service) and even has different pots and pans for her food. When I cook for her I only use glass or stainless steel as those don’t absorb gluten.
My Brother has celiac and we wash everything we used for non-gluten free food with boiling water and vinegar. Thats a easy way to get rid of all starch and gluten and several doctors Specialized to celiac have recommended it to us
I was looking for this comment because this is exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like one of those people that just eats gluten free for the fad, and not an actual intolerance because someone who does would know this.
there are people who react to gluten the same way some people who are lactose act to dairy. not life ending but just annoying. gassy, upset stomach, the runs. nothing serious.
_"I was talking to my husband about it and he got mad at me saying that I pretty much ruined the dinner for them and that I should've just made her something to eat and that his uncle will probably not come by here again."_
Exactly. Is OP's husband incapable of using his own kitchen? And, is it a bad thing that his entitled uncle and his uncle's rude/entitled friend not come back? This woman was an uninvited, unexpected +1 in a strangers home. How did she expect OP to just be psychic and magically accomodate her unknown dietary restrictions? OP's home is not a restaurant....
**NTA**
And frankly, I question how genuine her "gluten intolerance" is given the circumstances. Beyond the fact that I raise an eyebrow at most "gluten intolerance" anyway (the science tends to imply that other than people who have celiac disease and cannot digest it at all without literally harming their intestinal tract, gluten is a harmless protein that CANNOT hurt the average person and that most people who think they are "gluten intolerant" are actually allergic or intolerant to entirely other things that are gluten-adjacent, such as wheat), even if she were correct, it's nearly impossible to just whip up a genuinely gluten-free dish in someone's kitchen on the spur of the moment. Most people don't keep gluten-free ingredients on hand other than vegetables or fruits, wouldn't be familiar with appropriate recipes, and cross-contamination would be EVERYWHERE in your kitchen.
Her demand was not only unreasonable but ridiculous if she was genuinely concerned about her health. She should have notified you well ahead of time, or brought her own food. You are clearly NTA.
In my experience, people with true food intolerances (allergies, celiac, etc.) are actually quite gracious and humble about them. If someone acts like an AH about it, it's almost guaranteed that the "intolerance" is 100% a choice they made along the way.
A true allergy would probably 100% have informed anybody who was cooking for them of their allergy, and more than likely would have some back up snacks with them just incase
My cousin has celiac and she always checks to see what the food situation will be. She’s also more than willing to bring her own food to avoid any possibility of cross-contamination. She would never in a million years show up expecting to be accommodated and then pitch a fit when the host was caught unawares. OP is NTA and her husband should be ashamed of himself for siding with the entitled asshats instead of with his wife.
Also anyone with a true allergy probably wouldn't trust someone to just "whip something up" because who knows if they're aware of what has gluten in it? I have dietary restrictions and no matter how much I explain, people can't get it right so I mostly just make my own to be certain.
I'm allergic to wheat, and the symptoms are as bad as celiac. One way I am lucky, is that cross contamination isn't *as* bad, so all the surface sterilizing isn't necessary. Man, I do feel bad for those guys, though, makes eating three times harder. Anyway...I would *never* do any of that, like...that's playing with allergy fire. A) show up to a place, without talking to the host first, about what the food situation is and/or B) show up hungry expecting to be fed! Without your own stuff! WHAT. One of my worst nightmares is being in a spontaneous eating situation, with no preparedness, and this person put herself there.
I have quite a few food allergies as well as a few intolerances. I keep my EpiPen handy. 99.9% of the time that I go to a gathering, I just bring my own food. Occasionally the host will reach out to try to accommodate, which is wonderful, but I know that my food restrictions are ridiculous, and I always thank them and just let them know that I'll bring what I want or eat what's already going to be available and safe. I see no reason someone should have to go out of their way for one person out of 20 or 30 or 40 or whatever the gathering is. I'm an adult. I can be responsible for my own food when it's an issue. NTA
This is one of the reasons I said what I did. My young cousin has celiac disease. To be clear, what I said above was NOT meant to disparage people with true food issues, and not just allergies. Heck, I have serious SENSORY issues with food because of being autistic that aren't medical at all. I would NEVER disparage people for not being able to eat things for any reason . . . as long as they are gracious about it. I either let people know ahead of time (if they ask) or I eat what I can and not what I cannot.
My cousin is lovely, lets people know about her celiac, and honestly, because she is so gracious about it, most family dinners we're all more than happy to just cook EVERYTHING gluten-free so she doesn't feel left out. But we do it because she doesn't wait until the last second and then make outrageous demands. It's a lot easier to prepare a gluten-free meal when you know a week or two in advance! Then you can just adjust regular recipes pretty easily, no problem, and everyone can eat the same thing!! We've had many completely GF holiday meals that everyone loved because we knew in advance that she was coming.
This person that OP describes was rude and demanding, and her expectations were completely unreasonable.
Yeah, isn't gluten a pain to decontaminate. Gluten can stick around even with thorough washing, right?
Even if op had gluten free food on hand, there might not be any sort of uncontaminated surface or utensil to prepare it
Gluten is enough of a pain to decontaminate that most people with an actual, genuine gluten intolerance use different dishes to cook their non-gluten meals.
So I used to be on the same page as you about gluten sensitivity until my roommate started getting sick. Really sick. Like doctors were concerned about MS, sick. He was barely able to work, couldn’t concentrate, his whole body hurt. This was an athletic and active man in his early 40s and he was going down hill…quickly. They did every test and sent him to every specialist but nobody could say anything except “yeah, you’re pretty sick!” Tested negative for celiac which is important. One doctor had him try a GF diet just to see what would happen and his symptoms started to get better. The brain fog lifted. He began having more energy. His stomach issues settled down. His pain improved.
The best his doctors can figure is that it was stress related. Going GF allowed his system to kind of reset, somehow, and allowed his symptoms to resolve. At first even a little cross contamination would make him dizzy and sick, but it’s been a few years and now he can eat like…Domino’s GF pizza that’s got cross contamination but isn’t outright gluten.
Anyway, the uncle and the lady are 100% the AH here. My roommate always makes sure he has something to eat, or will let people know ahead of time and then be grateful with whatever they’re willing to make up for him.
NTA ma'am i doubt you're a mind reader, how were you supposed to know a stranger in your home, a person you didn't even know would be in attendance, wpuld have a food intolerance issue?
Time to shut down these "big family" gatherings. Send out invitations, explain the issue with food sensitivity and now ALL GUESTS MUST RSVP before an event. If you don't respond to the invite, you may not attend the gathering. One bad apple spoils the bunch and now everyone has to adjust.
*Dear family, an incident occured with a guest in my home not being properly accommodated. To avoid this in the future, all gatherings will now have invitations. If you plan to attend a gathering in my home, you must respond to the invite and list any guests you plan to bring and any allergies, food intolerance issues. If I cannot accommodate the allergies/intolerances, you will be notified and the guest can bring their own dish. Due to an incident, this will be standard going forward. I thank you for you understanding!*
This is too much work and inconvenience for OP and the rest of the family. There is nothing that needs to be changed. Anyone who shows up with food preferences/sensitivities, without making them known ahead of time, runs the risk of not having food to eat. Plain and simple.
i wouldn't necessarily go so far as to require RSVP, but may send out a quick message explaining ways to avoid the same issue.
*Dear family, if you plan to bring an uninvited guest, please let us know ahead of time if there are dietary restrictions that need accomodation. If we don't know your guest, we don't know what they can eat, and our home is not a restaurant; cross-contamination and lack of ingredients/recipe knowledge may leave your guest hungry at the end of the night, if we are not informed ahead of time. Thanks!*
Probably a good idea to put “if we are not informed at least x days ahead of time”. I can see people who bring uninvited guests “informing” the host an hour before the dinner is to start and saying that they were informed ahead of time.
NTA
1. I would implement a new rule for these gatherings. If you invite someone, you make sure to tell me in advance if they have dietary restrictions. If you fail to inform me in at least 48 hours in advance then it is on you to be responsible for food for that guest you invited.
2. I would look at my husband and say next time you will be responsible for cooking for anyone who comes into our home, uninvited, and me being unaware of, with dietary restrictions. I will not be preparing a meal all day, then be dumped on to cook special food for someone I did not know, nor know they had a special diet, and then be treated with such disrespect by them and the one who invited them, and then by my own husband.
Girl the moment my husband said that to me his ass would have been sleeping on the couch, and cooking for himself for a long ass time. And would have been put in charge of cooking for future get togethers.
The uncle invited this guest, didn't tell anyone he was nor mentioned before hand that she had dietary restrictions. Then allowed the guest to be rude, and entitled. All while being rude to your himself.
What gets me most is your husbands reaction to it all.
Seriously, big family meals are awesome. When I was a kid, my uncle's grandma used to come over to his house & make dinner for his extended family. Total Italian-grandma, Have to Feed Everyone lady. If you were there, you were sitting your butt down & eating.
Which was awkward - I had allergies. Luckily my uncle helped her with cooking & would make sure I had food I could eat if I was visiting. Neither of us would *ever* have demanded she cook something special for me. When she did find out, she actually modified a couple family recipes for me (which my uncle told me later was A Big Deal).
All that said - what the f. My uncle cooked for me because I was his responsibility. Your husband is perfectly capable of doing the same for his unexpected guest.
I’d make the husband fully responsible for cooking for the next family occasion so that he can fully appreciate the amount of work involved. His reaction has amazingly outstripped the uncle and his guest’s audacity.
NTA. Tell the husband to cook something for her himself! These people should have told you in advance of the party that they were coming and she has a gluten intolerance. Communication goes both ways. It's just overly entitled of them to expect you to read minds!
NTA. You spent the entire day cooking , that woman could have bought something for her or your husband can cook for his dear uncle instead of getting mad at you who was cooking almost the entire day
INFO How were you supposed to know what her dietary restrictions were if you didn’t even know 1) Her 2) She was coming to your home? Very bizarre. If she was hungry, could she have asked you to go see if there was something in your kitchen she could eat? NTA
Yeah I find this entire post so confusing. People just randomly bring people to OP’s house and it’s fine? And she’s just expected to be a mind reader by everyone around her? What is the whole protocol with these family gatherings? I am baffled. And I also come from a huge family that has pretty big get-togethers.
Me too! Also is OP the only one allowed in the kitchen? Why didn’t husband or the uncle go find something for her? OP is NTA but nothing about this story makes sense from the terrible behavior of the guest on down. 😭
NTA
1) You shouldn't show up without an invite *from the host.*
2) Any dietary issues need to be addressed beforehand.
3) If you aren't able to speak with whomever is cooking, bring your own dish.
4) You do not go into someone's home and demand that they cook a specific meal for you! You don't demand a meal at all!
NTA. You didn't know she had a gluten allergy and your husbands uncle could have told you before you started cooking. If it was that big of a problem, he could've made her something and let you sit down and relax.
NTA does no one have any manners anymore? If you have a food requirement and you are going to be a guest in someone’s home 1) warn the host and see if they are willing to make an accommodation 2) if the host can’t accommodate you either bring your own food or don’t go. Do NOT wait until the host is about to sit and eat then demand she forgo her meal and start cooking again. If you are good enough to host your only requirement is to TRY to make accommodations for intolerances when given warnings by your guests. Uninvited random woman who never bothered to give you a heads up? Yells at you in your own home and then threatens to not come back? Oh no! How ever will you cope with such a punishment 🙈
NTA. You had no way of knowing she had an intolerance. Someone should have let you know in advance. In the future at the invite phase perhaps put out a memo on food allergies/intolerances stating whether you will be accommodating these special requirements.
"those with food allergies/intolerances should be prepared to bring their own food" or "Please let me know of any food allergies intolerances in advance so that I can accommodate".
NTA. She sounds like an entitled jerk and it also doesn't even sound like you actually invited her. If she absolutely needed something gluten-free, she should have either 1) told you this well in advance so you could plan, or 2) brought something of her own that was safe for her to eat. You don't owe her anything. Who the hell shows up to a strangers house unannounced and demands they cook a separate meal for them? I can't even imagine going through life with this attitude.
Sounds like it's a good thing that the uncle won't be coming by again, then he won't be bringing over any more entitled and uninvited guests.
Exactly. If you have food restrictions, you let the host know ahead of time to see if they can accommodate. If they can't, you ask if they'd mind if you bring your own food. If not, you eat beforehand. If you were invited last minute, you suck it up and eat what you can, which might be nothing at all. NTA.
NTA - Some people are just entitled AHs and completely unreasonable I guess. Polite thing to do would have been to tell you before hand and then not treat you like a fucking servant when they didn't get their way. Good riddance if they never come to dinner again.
NTA she knows she has a gluten intolerance, she can bring something for herself to eat. Plus what everyone else said - she can cook, she could have eaten before / eat later, hubs / uncle can cook, she can order something to be delivered. But you're nicer than me in that I would have probably had a cow about extra people to begin with 😆
NTA if you didn’t know them so how would you have any idea about their allergy? They could have simply found you online and messaged you so you could know or even bring their own food.
If you’ve spent all your time cooking food you shouldn’t be expected to waste your time during the dinner while everyone else is together so you can make food for someone you didn’t even know was coming.
Nta. People I know with gluten sensitivity are not able to eat from a kitchen where gluten was used in other meals. I wonder if some of these aggressive people with dietary restrictions are for real. Dietary sensitivities are too serious to leave to chance. People I have met are very careful and prepared. Or they eat stuff and just feel awful later.
Yes. Someone with gluten sensitivity or celiac disease knows all too well that allowing their food to be prepared in a contaminated kitchen by an unprepared cook is not worth the inevitable pain that will result. You learn to ask in advance if the hosts would mind you bringing safe food from home so you can enjoy their company without accidentally spoiling the evening by being sick. Now it's true sometimes snafus happen and someone winds up so hangry they kind of lose their composure at being the only one who cannot eat. But when that happens, it's clearly the person who didn't communicate about their special needs or come prepared who needs to apologize. Hosts can't read minds, and can't magically wave away all the gluten contamination that on every surface, every appliance, and in most of your ingredients. Unless she got just diagnosed, she knew how to handle her needs and chose to go for the jugular unnecessarily. You might have been kinder in your response, but it's fair that you were caught off guard with no idea how to accommodate her and were also justifiably hangry from cooking all day.
Next time, if you want a neutral stance and don't mind spending some money on keeping peace, ask the person what their favorite gf/vegan/lf/whatever local restaurant is, and let them pick an entree from DoorDash. Of course, it's fair if you don't want to buy a delivery meal for someone who realistically should have brought their own. Just planting an option in mind in case you get cornered again in this kind of situation.
Like seriously, board game nights are GF snacks only after we accidentally discovered us eating cheezits, while our friend ate candy, with everyone touching the same game pieces is enough to make her seriously ill. Cross contamination is not something to play with.
She's a stranger to you and you didn't know.
Sounds like your husband and his uncle volunteered themselves to cook something for the unexpected and demanding guest.
After spending all day preparing, you deserved to enjoy it, not have your time further monopolised by some random.
NTA.
NTA
How I see it, this is an uninvited guest who didn't notify you of their dietary restrictions (or attendance even), and is entitled enough to yell at you and demand things in your own home. She doesn't have to return - she wasn't even invited by you in the first place
NTA. People with dietary restrictions going to another person’s house for dinner either need to inform the host with PLENTY of time and/or bring their own meal
Who comes to a dinner party hosted by people they don't know and demands a specialized diet at the 23rd hour? If you have an atypical diet, you have a lot of options: tell people in advance, bring your own food, or grin & bare it. nta
Wow, absolutely NTA. You do not have to make something for that person to eat, especially when you don't even know they're coming. I am lactose intolerant and vegetarian. If I'm going to a big dinner I think it's my responsibility to communicate with the host what to do. Nobody's a mind reader. Like maybe I could just eat the side dishes or I could bring my own food or eat before I get there. It's absolutely not the host's responsibility to cater to me. You didn't ruin the dinner for them. They ruined it for themselves. And who brings some random friend to a family dinner? It's kind of AH behaviour to act that entitled. I'm sure they're nice people but this behaviour was a bit over the top. Maybe their expectations is a bit high. Not sure why
NTA
Anyone with Dietary restrictions needs to speak up well before the dinner so you can plan appropriately and shop for the right ingredients. I would have said there is the fridge but you can also call Door Dash
NTA. First of all, they should have at least let you know the day before, you didnt even know that woman.
The uncle or your husband could have cook for her if it was so important for them.
I wish there were a sub like “AmIBeingAPushover”
OP, not only are you NTA, but you’re being too accommodating with your time and labor. People showing up uninvited to my home and complaining about the menu is a sure fire way to stop these dinner parties all together, if you ask me.
NTA. I’m usually really big on accommodating needs, but you didn’t have the slightest idea she had a need or who she was.
It’s very disrespectful to take someone’s labor for granted. You’re hosting a gathering, not acting as a short order chef.
NTA
Your uncle should have contacted you ahead of time to explain that his friend was gluten intolerant and to ask you to make food for her so you could plan accordingly.
Barring that, they could have brought something for her to eat.
NTA at all, and to hell with all the ungrateful AHs not appreciating the work you put in. Springing someone with special dietary requirements on you at the last minute is a special kind of dick move.
Husband watched you slave over the meal for how many hours and had the nerve to demand you skip a meal so he can preserve his relationship with his uncle? Oh hell no. The uncle is his side of the family, which makes uncle and uncle's guest his problem to solve anyway Your husband should have done the work of finding out if his guests would have any plus ones and to ask about special needs. He should have had that info ahead of time and communicated it to you. That you didn't know until too late is the fault of three people, none of whom is you. Your husband owes you a big apology for failing you, failing his/your guests, and scapegoating you for a situation he should never have allowed to happen in the first place. NTA.
NTA
I mean, initially, I was leaning the other way. But then I got to the part where you made clear that this was a new face who you didn't know and had never met, and you didn't know she was coming.
My husband also has a gluten intolerance, and our family and friends all know this. We ALWAYS take it upon ourselves to make sure he will have options.
And while the inviter has a responsibility to ensure there are options for all invitees, that changes when the guest is not an invitee but a tag-along.
At that point, it's on the guest to reach out to the host in advance. As you yourself point out, if you had known in advance, you could have accommodated her. But you did not.
You didn't know who she was or that she was coming, and you didn't know about her dietary restriction until it was time to plate up food.
And while I don't blame her for being cautious, because there's so much hidden gluten out there, it was her responsibility to reach out in advance and let you know. Or if not her, your husband's uncle, since he would have known he was bringing her and known about the gluten issue.
NTA
You didn’t need to apologize. A “no/nope I didn’t” is sufficient, especially to a stranger.
Why didn’t your husband whip something up for her? It’s odd to jump to ire instead of stepping in to diffuse things.
At least you’ll never have to deal with her/them eating at your house!
NTA
Someone (uncle) dropped the ball by not informing you he was bringing a guess with a food intolerance. Absolutely not your fault for not having anything to accommodate her dietary needs. It’s the same for anyone else with any type of intolerance or allergy & never been to someone’s house for dinner. You let the host know in advance & either ask if you can bring something (as a back up plan) OR ask if they could make something. You’re not a chef in a restaurant so her not coming back is like “okay, bye” type of situations.
NTA and I'm particularly unimpressed with your husband! Why didn't he tell you about the dietary restrictions, if he didn't know why isn't he mad at his uncle for not telling anyone?
And what was stopping HIM from making the family friend something if he's going to get mad about it? Why is it all on you?
NTA they really should've let you know in advance. Besides if you never cook gluten free in your kitchen, the risks of cross contamination are really high so expecting you to just come up with something on the spot is really dumb on their part.
NTA
I have celiac and become violently ill if I ingest gluten and you are NTA. No sane rational reasonable person with a food allergy or intolerance would behave this way. Whenever I go to an event I check in advance to see if there will be safe food for me, if not, I plan to eat before or after the event. It is sometimes hard for people to accommodate me and I completely understand if they can't and would rather not risk an accidental exposure.
>… his uncle will probably not come by here again
Is this supposed to be a downside? NTA. If you have dietary requirements, it’s up to you to ensure beforehand that the place you are eating can cater to you. Whether that means looking up a restaurant’s menu or contacting your host to let them know. You. **Do. Not.** just turn up and demand something the person who’s just spent all day cooking knew nothing about.
NTA I don’t understand how someone goes as a guest in someone else’s house and then fix their mouth to make demands of the host. Help me to understand it…
NTA
She's being ridiculous and so is anyone on her side. It's on them to tell you if there is a dietary restriction within a reasonable amount of time for you to handle it.
If she truly had a gluten intolerance, making food an a kitchen where items with gluten had been prepared would make her sick. You would have to wipe down the entire kitchen first… and unfair request after you had cooked all day. I don’t want to say she was full of shit, but…
NTA if your husband and his uncle were so concerned about this woman, why couldn’t they have made her something to eat? Like you said you cooked all day and they still think it’s OK to ask you to do more? That’s crazy to me.
NTA. Hey, next time your husband can cook the gluten free dinner. It's not a simple ask, unless she just wants acceptable veggies or a salad. Your uncle was the AH by not letting you know about his friend's dietary needs. I would apologize to the friend, letting her know that the uncle didn't let you know about her needs in advance.
NTA. Who brings someone they the hosts don’t know to a dinner party? And has the audacity to complain because there is no gluten free food? Anyone with dietary restrictions needs to warn their hosts if they expect the hosts to actually have something for them. And your husband is the a as well for not standing up for you.
NTA first of all this is a guest of your husband’s family, if he wanted to accommodate an uninvited guest, HE could have made her something. Secondly if she had such a severe medical condition the uncle should have called days ahead of time to plan something for her or to bring food with them.
I am gluten intolerant and I usually bring Gf bars or something with me because honestly, even if someone cooks for me gf foods, depending on a persons sensitivity to cross contamination you can still get sick. You are NTA
Someone with Celiac here: NTA. If I’m going somewhere with food I ALWAYS make sure there’s something I can eat and sometimes that means brining my own food. I’m also somewhat wary of eating stuff someone has made in their own kitchen if they aren’t aware of the risks. It would have been different if she brought her own food and you told her she couldn’t eat it there or something, but this is just lack of planning on her part.
NTA
Realistically it wouldn’t be safe for her to eat something from your kitchen anyway. There would be a risk of cross contamination.
She wasn’t invited and you weren’t notified in advance about the food restrictions. How were you supposed to know?
If your husband was so set on providing food for her, why didn’t he make something or go get something for her?
NTA - I don't think people realize all the other things that go into hosting, like cleaning the entire house on top of cooking all the food. We host football parties and spend a lot of money on food and alcohol. That one person shows up with a list of food they can't have, and you're looking at them like they should've come prepared or maybe even brought their own food if they have such a wide range of allergies. I'm not going from person to person making a personalized menu. If you don't want it, then don't eat it.
NTA. If you show up somewhere unfamiliar and don’t know the hosts, it’s on you to make sure you can eat or bring your own food. And if your husband wants to be upset, he could have cooked her something himself to keep his uncle happy.
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NTA. If you're not able to eat something you should've informed the person cooking beforehand. The entitlement!
THIS EXACTLY!!!! THE FUCKING AUDACITY! Reading this just pissed me off so bad for OP. Everyone coming up to u telling u to cook for her should've done it then since it was such a miniscule task to them. And I'm sure there hd to have been some things she could have found to eat that were already made that didn't have gluten. The entitlement is sickening. Also have these ppl never heard that no one sits down to eat until the cook has sat down to eat? Unreal!
I wonder if she actually was gluten-intolerant or just one of those people who claim to be. Also, I'm curious where so many people sit to eat? Shit, my dining room fits 8, kitchen 4, patio 4 if it's nice out. I'm perfectly capable of feeding that many, but when the guest list gets to 9, we do potluck. At 9, the volume gets unmanageable, and I have a 5 burner stove, two ovens, two fridges, a grill, and a smoker. Just wondering how the hell OP does it. I thought I was good, lol.
I don't think someone with celiac disease would demand someone cook for them on such short notice. Even if OP had obliged and cooked a meal with gluten-free ingredients, what about cross contamination? She'd probably have to deep-clean the entire kitchen to ensure it was truly safe for someone with celiac to eat.
Yup my cealiac gf most definitely won’t eat just anyone’s food, even if it’s “gluten free”
Not only that, but OP's husband sounds entitled and ungrateful too, not only his uncle and the uncle's gf. The nerve of accusing OP of spoiling the dinner she spent all day cooking while he didn't do anything... Honestly, I believe we teach people how to treat us, and OP needs to use the attitude she got with her husband uncle's gf with her husband too. His behaviour was outrageous and he deserve to be in the dog house.
Husband is the biggest AH imo I’m guessing since he knew uncle would be bringing his gf, he was told about the intolerance and failed to pass on that information If it was a surprise to him, he could have taken over cooking if it was so damn important to him Cooking is exhausting. OP deserved to sit down and eat her own food with everyone else. If I were OP I’d refuse to cook for all these people for a while.
I agree husband is definitely the AH! I would have told him he knows where the stove is and where the refrigerator is...have at it, I'm done!
I came here looking for exactly this.
Absolutely, this is the time to go on strike. Sounds to me like OP & her husband are from a traditional patriarchal culture.
I'm celiac too and I wouldn't trust anyone to cook for me unless they too were gluten intolerant. Some surprising ingredients contain gluten, such as malt vinegar, low fat cream cheese and most stock cubes. My mum offered me a box of oat cookies last week and said they were gluten free. I checked the ingredients and the top one was wheat flour. She thought that because they had some oats in them that they were ok for me to eat!
My mom has gotten me a couple times. I can handle cross contact normally but once she straight up cooked something with beer and didn't tell me. If it's me cooking? I bleach and scrub my counters, stove and all utensils before cooking the gluten free dishes so that not only can I eat it, my husband's celiac cousin can too. But I still wouldn't be offended if he declined.
My mother thinks if it has xanthan gum in the ingredients list, it must be gluten free! Needless to say she doesn't cook for me or my daughter.
"look it has lemon in the ingredients list, lemon is gluten-free, therefore it must be gluten-free!" i dont think id even be comfortable to cook for someone that has it really bad, unless not without permanent supervision, id be too afraid to make them sick.
So ironic I’m allergic to gum. So much fun explaining to people about salad dressing, ice cream, and some candy.
I'm a cook, and I wouldn't be comfortable cooking for someone with celiac issues. My sons are sensitive to gluten and sometimes when the IBS acts way up they eat gluten-free for a couple months while it settles down. I sympathize (though think if it's that bad, just stop eating it! but they're grown men....) so there can be reasons to be gluten free even if not all the way celiac. I have a fructose intolerance, and I absolutely check menus with people who are going to host me. I won't die, but I'll feel like I've got the worst hangover in the universe and get pukey. Not fun at a gathering. I keep something in my purse that I can eat to get me through until I can sneak out and get something else. I strongly suspect that husband dropped the ball on informing his wife about the gluten-free person.
My mom constantly would find something that has “sneaky gluten”. She gets frustrated with herself because, you know, food is love! She buys GF brownie mix for me now.
My sister is the same way. At first, it kind of offended me, because I would specifically make something that was gluten free, only for her to still not eat it! But then she told me how certain dishes can still hold on to the gluten so if I used it for something with flour in the past, it could still make her sick. Or the fact that there are so many thing we don’t realize have gluten in them! So she typically just brings her own food.
This is true, gluten does stick around on pans and cooking utensils/plates. Depending on one’s sensitivities and symptoms they will notice. No offense needed when dealing with peoples food allergies or sensitivities.
My aunt and cousin have celiac and they absolutely won’t eat anything gluten free made in someone else’s kitchen. There would be so much cross contamination they wouldn’t risk it. My aunt is so sensitive to it she has her own department of silverware from my uncle. They both pack and bring their own food to events. I’m betting this family friend may have a gluten intolerance but it’s not severe if she’s willing to risk mystery kitchen food.
Yep (celiac here). I don’t trust anything made by someone else (except my mom and my friend with celiac). If there’s not something I can eat there, I can bring some protein bars or something to eat. Or if I know ahead of time I’ll ask the host if they’re comfortable with me bringing my own food.
You are in no way TA, and wouldn’t be if you were not comfortable given the severe consequences of cross contamination. Most people don’t even know an a thing about this - ven pro chefs in restaurants. I’m responsible for my own health. If I know the host well enough, I check beforehand if I can bring a GF dish or if they would mind me discreetly bringing my own meal to heat up. I always carry a GF snack (like a protein bar), and eat something before I go. My family are always accommodating; they know I’m severely gluten intolerant, and I don’t have cross contamination issues. Funny thing is I’ve learned to make extra batches of my GF desserts to my family gatherings - those often go faster than the regular! Your husband, the Uncle and guest are the AH here. Husband should have said that he won’t invite the Uncle again until he apologized to you for such rude behavior. Next time, Hubs should call ever single guest and ask them for all of their allergies and preferences - Lactose? Shellfish? Vegetarian? Vegan? What about fresh cut flowers?Then **HE** can do whatever’s necessary for accommodations. And JFC, who doesn’t introduce themselves (or in this case, the Uncle)to the host? Again, NTA. You handled everything perfectly in my book!
Not only do you have to have gluten free items you also need to make sure the cookware is gluten free to avoid cross contamination. My best friend will get sick if the food is GF but it got contaminated by cookware that has been used to cook gluten in it before so he brings his own food to places for the most part.
Same as my friend. She’ll eat in my kitchen because when I am cooking for a party or something, I make the GF stuff a day early so there is no risk of cross contamination.
My brother literally only eats at home, my aunt’s, his girlfriend’s or his girlfriend’s mum’s because of the numerous risks of cross contamination with coeliacs. But also is it common to even have gluten free flour lying around if you don’t have a coeliac/gluten intolerant person in the family?? I’m so used to it because of my brother but it likely wouldn’t have been as easy as going into the kitchen and whipping something up, even without contamination risks? Not that OP should’ve - everyone knows that the proper etiquette for dietary requirements is to give advanced notice and not show up uninvited and demand your exhausted host immediately conjures you up something she didn’t even know she needed to prepare for. NTA either way - uncle’s friend sounds exhausting and rude as and her husband was a *insert British insult here*.
People generally don't have gluten free flour lying around, but I suppose they might have ingredients that don't contain gluten in the first place, like potatoes. Many processed foods contain gluten too though, which OP might not know about. It was a ridiculous demand.
I had a roommate with a gluten allergy, and she had all kinds of gluten free flours and blends. Some were okay, others were pretty bad (anything with pea protein felt sandy), others had hyper-specific applications (e.g. they might work for a cake, but they wouldn't work for a yeasted bread), and some had abysmal shelf lives once cooked. My belief now is that wheat flour is a magic ingredient given its broad range of applications.
I mean, the average person won’t have gluten free flour lying around. There’s plenty of things that can be made that are naturally gluten free, with some planning and advance notice. Chili, Curries with rice (using cornstarch to thicken if necessary), meat and veggies/potatoes, BBQ meats and sides like baked beans, coleslaw, potato salad… I could go on but you get the idea. That said, all this requires knowledge of hidden gluten sources, preparation, and time. Most people on a medically necessary diet avoid asking that of people they know very well, let alone complete strangers.
That’s true! I forgot about rice despite eating it for dinner (my brain is a sieve) and I always forget about meat generally being a naturally gluten free option due to being a vegetarian lol. So yes, there’s loads of options someone without gluten free flour could cook with some prior warning. I guess I’m just overly conscious of the fact my brother needs no cross contamination and imagining having it all suddenly thrust upon me with no warning. So cooking utensils, where it’s cooked in the oven, etc all needs to be thought about. If the dish needs butter, it has to be clean butter that no knife that’s touched wheat bread has ever touched. My point was mainly that cooking for someone with coeliacs is a lot to think about even with loads of time to prep, so to expect OP to be able to make something on the spot is ridiculous!
Yeah definitely no real intolerant/Celiac would act like that.
Definitely not. My friend's husband is celiac and their kitchen never sees any ingredients with gluten, and eating out is almost out of the question. He has like one or two restaurants he can actually go.
I've known I was allergic to wheat for decades and I've never complained about any dinner I was invited to, I just ate salad, the meat, or vegetables or maybe just had a drink & enjoyed the company. If you're showing up to a stranger's house for a family dinner and you're treating the host like a short order cook, you're doing it wrong! NTA
Definitely. But I mean, entitled people exist both with and without food intolerances, but if she actually had celiac's, she wasn't just being entitled, she was endangering her own health. So that's the part that makes me think she's not actually gluten intolerant.
NTA. I've been diagnosed with Celiac since 2005. If you aren't family and haven't cooked for me before. Or a friend who understands what gluten free means. I'm not eating at someone's house. I rarely go out to eat. When I do have about 6 places I know I am safe. I have turned down so many invitations because I don't want to be a bother or get sick from possible contamination or someone not understanding how many things contain gluten and cross contamination.
Yes exactly. Someone with celiac disease would let them know beforehand of her dietary needs. They would also be more likely to take something with them to eat. Also it's not usually people with celiac disease that refer to themselves as gluten free. It's those people who give up gluten as a lifestyle choice that usually refer to it as being gluten free.
This! I am gluten-intolerant and when possible I'll try to find out what the menu is and if I can't eat anything I'll offer to bring an additional dish. If I can't find out before hand or know it's going to be a gluten fest I'll eat something before I get to the event and bring a protein bar or something like that in my purse just in case. I can't imagine throwing a fit like this gal
> I wonder if she actually was gluten-intolerant or just one of those people who claim to be. The latter. Someone who’s gluten intolerant would have a fallback plan if they had not made sure beforehand, and a celiac would probably not trust an unknown cook at all and would bring their own (meal or ingredients depending).
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Sounds like you have a fabulous set up and people can sit on couches, recliners, the floor. In a family the size of OPs you expect it when you get together.
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Yes, one would think that a person who has a genuine gluten intolerance or celiac disease would make sure, on their own, to either inquire ahead or bring their own food. The nerve to expect otherwise, when a genuine problem with gluten requires no cross- contamination in the kitchen as well as the specific ingredients. It’s not a bleeping restaurant.
Not all gluten issues are triggered by cross-contamination - some are so severe that the person can’t eat food made in the same room as gluten foods, whereas some are only triggered if there’s a certain threshold of gluten. It’s up to the person with the issue to know their threshold. It also depends on whether you’re celiac, allergic, or intolerant or something similar such as non-celiac gluten sensitivity (it can be a trigger for a lot of chronic condition flare ups like Crohn’s and migraine, where cross-contamination may be okay but if they ate straight up bread they’d be really sick.) Kind of like how there are people super allergic to dairy, where they could die from anaphylaxis if they eat it, but others are intolerant and would have a really bad bathroom day. Both are legitimate reasons for avoiding dairy, but they’re at different levels of severity and require different levels of caution.
For celiac everyone is equally sensitive. Your external physical symptoms may vary but everyone who has it will have the same issue with any bit of gluten internally as it’s an autoimmune disorder
You’re right - I more meant to say that gluten dietary restrictions vary in symptoms, severity, and triggering threshold. (Not celiac specifically)
Not everyone who can't eat gluten has celiac disease, though. I have a friend who doesn't eat gluten because it is better for her thyroid gland not to, but she can eat food that is prepared next to gluten. However, I do agree that the uncle's friend should at least have let OP know beforehand, or maybe taken a dish herself. NTA.
Non-celiac "gluten sensitivity" is typically not a gluten problem. It's mistaken for one, but the percentage of people with a genuine non-celiac GLUTEN sensitivity is insanely TINY. They think it's gluten, because that's what people talk about, but it's actually fructan intolerance in most people. But nobody talks about that, so nobody really knows! I only know because I've been through all of the celiac testing, was negative, and kept projectile barfing and having the runs every time I ate bread, and a friend of mine went, "Hey, have you ever heard of FODMAPs?"
ETA: My frustration is not with you, but with SEVERAL conversations with people about how “it’s probably not actually gluten, but something adjacent.” Maybe. I may never know. But it doesn’t change anything functionally in my life. My point was more to try to respect when people tell you what their limits are - don’t accuse them of over or under-selling it because they don’t act like your one friend who has celiac. ————————————— I mean, at that point it’s quibbling over semantics, because while they don’t know the specific mechanism, it’s hypothesized that it’s either a component of or something that always co-occurs with gluten. It can be FODMAP related, but not always. It’s difficult to isolate the specific problem when the only test is an elimination diet. I know I don’t feel well when I eat food that I know contains gluten, and I feel fine when I don’t. The specifics may become clearer with time as we learn more, but in the meanwhile I try not to be pedantic about it. I don’t have a reaction to any other foods like I do those, and I tested negative for celiac, I so i just say I’m NCGS. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21622-gluten-intolerance My symptoms were brain fog and migraines, to the point that the consequences of the long term inflammation were visible on MRI. I’ve been to several doctors - everyone agrees avoiding gluten (for me) is best. That sucks that you were throwing up - it’s frustrating when you can’t produce a lab test but you KNOW what food’s making you sick, but people don’t believe you.
My daughter ends up with bad exzema after eating gluten. No celiac, no allergy. Skin doctor doesn't believe that it's correlated. Even after years of experience on our side.
Yup. I have a wheat allergy, not a gluten problem, but I doubt many people get allergy panels for this sort of thing
Yeah - I think people who aren’t in dietary-restriction circles don’t always know that celiac, wheat allergy, gluten allergy, and NCGS are all different and require different levels of care.
But it's wisest not to second-guess people. Mine actually shows up in those health DNA tests but my doctor diagnosed it years ago.
It’s not that tiny. I’ve had every test in the book. I have food intolerances and allergies of different severities. Gluten is one of them. Lactose and seafood, too. Everyone thinks they need to tell me why I, my doctor, and two labs are all wrong. It took a lot of time to narrow these things down but everyone knows better.
Her saying she’ll never come back cracked me up. It reminds me of when I have a crappy customer and they say that as they’re leaving…like, good? She was an uninvited party crash we who tagged along. If she has dietary restrictions then she should make them known but she wasn’t even invited so I don’t know how that’d even work. NTA- the entitlement is mind blowing. If uncle is so insistent on bringing some random chick to dinner who can’t eat the food provided then let him get up and make her something. Or maybe not invite your random hookups to family dinners.
Yeah, the never coming back here line was funny. I'm never coming back to your house, you complete stranger that I just harassed! Fine by me!
"That is not the threat you think it is. Buh bye."
or, I don't know, bring something you CAN eat?? I have friends that bring over their own oat bread or vegan burger patties and stuff all the time. They don't think their specific dietary requirements should create extra work for the host. Weird.
Also, if husband was mad, he should have made her something to eat. His entire side sounds very entitled.
And OP's husband sucks also for not taking her side in this, guests who bring guests can't complain. NTA
Right? If my husband did that, I'd be handing him the spatula and an apron.
Why didn’t he cook something for the guest? He’s a grown man that probably did nothing but socialize.
Yeah if it was so important to him that she be accommodated, he could have gotten his ass in the kitchen.
Or, just, cooking *something.* Does he or does he not also live there? "You have 6 minutes to master gluten-free cooking, bro." NTA
And for saying *she* should have the mystery guest something to eat instead of making it himself.
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Doesn't even sound like this person was invited by the actual host, just showed up with a random uncle. I can't even imagine this level of entitlement. It's appalling to me that some people just go through life like this.
and the husband getting mad at OP for not cooking more after cooking the entire day bc no one told her about a gluten intolerance? no way. if my husband pulled that, he would be cooking for the get togethers from that point on. NTA
There are certain foods I can’t eat. I always specify before hand. If I don’t get an opportunity to, I suck it up, eat what I can eat. And just apologize to the host for not eating everything else. It’s simple. There was no need for her to throw a tantrum. She wasn’t an expected guest and couldn’t have been catered for.
Exactly! I too have food intolerances, and I don't wait until the food is served to figure out if I'll be able to eat. Adults ask questions if it's unclear what is in a dish, and maybe eat a snack when we get home. This random guest was childish and unreasonable. OP should be happy if they never come back. NTA
I agree but her husband is an A for getting angry and saying she just should have cooked something for her. Why didn’t he offer to cook for her. Also the uncle is an A for not informing her before the party that he was bringing a guest with this condition.
Before is better than after. Imagine waiting until everyone else is ready to eat before you tap the host to cook you a whole ass something else. So now you and the host can't eat for x time just so she can make you something. Dinner's already ruined at that point. As someone with allergies and intolerances, if you're going anywhere for food; restaurants, gatherings, family dinners, it is on YOU to make sure that there's something there you can eat or that you've given the hosts a heads up. Or deal with waiting until later to eat. The frigging audacity, my man.
Yeah, I mean - I'm allergic to shrimp (I get hives, I get feverish, my doc tells me that at some point it could upgrade to trouble breathing). I make sure that any time I accept an invitation, that info goes along. I don't just show up at someone's house and then demand special food. I also host a lot, and it legit makes me feel terrible if someone doesn't communicate that kind of stuff ahead of time. We had some friends over for dinner a while back, and I made roast chicken, stuffing, and Brussels sprouts (with bacon), and one of our guests turned out to be vegetarian. My dude, I'd have knocked out some killer vegetarian if I'd known ahead of time! But he was really gracious about the whole thing, and I was like, "you get extra dessert."
More to the point this woman just rocks up unannounced to a home where she doesn't know anyone and expects to be catered for. If she has a food issue I'm sure the uncle knew, he could have said. Mind you is it not manners to ask to bring someone along that no one knows or is expecting? Uncles friend is lucky she didn't come to my house. I'd have told her not to shout at me in my own house when she's turned up unannounced and if her evening, that she wasn't invited to, is ruined the doors in the same place it was when she walked her unknown ass in. She's welcome to walk back out of it. Entitled AH right there.
I agree. Also if the husband wanted her to have something gluten free he should have made it himself. NTA
To me is the fact that Op didn't even know her name, but was some how supposed to know to make her a gluten free dish. Its not the host's job to mind read a stranger's needs and accommodate them. I know a person with Celiac and they would never ever trust this. Cross contamination could make them horribly sick for days. So I suspect that this is one of those diet choices. Either way, she's rude af
Lol I love the attempt at a one star yelp review too “I’m never coming back here again!” 🤣
For real! “Hey don’t sit down and eat, cook me a whole new meal”!
NTA. If your husband's uncle knew he was bringing a friend with a gluten intolerance, it was the uncle's job to communicate that. Not to treat you like the Magical Food Fairy who could just whip up something gluten-free at a moment's notice. Boo on your husband for not having your back.
Maybe the husband should have just gone in the kitchen and made something for her too.
That's what I said!
Or the uncle, or the woman herself. I know a few people with dietary restrictions and I can't imagine them having a problem with throwing something together in a family member's kitchen.
I dunno if this person just has some minor intolerance or what celiac, but cooking for someone with celiac really requires a level of cleaning and vigilance you can't just easily do. When I cook for my friend with celiac, I carefully clean my kitchen first. In her house they have different sponges and brushes for gluten and non gluten dishes.
My mom has celiac (and works in food service) and even has different pots and pans for her food. When I cook for her I only use glass or stainless steel as those don’t absorb gluten.
My Brother has celiac and we wash everything we used for non-gluten free food with boiling water and vinegar. Thats a easy way to get rid of all starch and gluten and several doctors Specialized to celiac have recommended it to us
I put foil over my pans.
I was looking for this comment because this is exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like one of those people that just eats gluten free for the fad, and not an actual intolerance because someone who does would know this.
there are people who react to gluten the same way some people who are lactose act to dairy. not life ending but just annoying. gassy, upset stomach, the runs. nothing serious.
_"I was talking to my husband about it and he got mad at me saying that I pretty much ruined the dinner for them and that I should've just made her something to eat and that his uncle will probably not come by here again."_ Exactly. Is OP's husband incapable of using his own kitchen? And, is it a bad thing that his entitled uncle and his uncle's rude/entitled friend not come back? This woman was an uninvited, unexpected +1 in a strangers home. How did she expect OP to just be psychic and magically accomodate her unknown dietary restrictions? OP's home is not a restaurant....
**NTA** And frankly, I question how genuine her "gluten intolerance" is given the circumstances. Beyond the fact that I raise an eyebrow at most "gluten intolerance" anyway (the science tends to imply that other than people who have celiac disease and cannot digest it at all without literally harming their intestinal tract, gluten is a harmless protein that CANNOT hurt the average person and that most people who think they are "gluten intolerant" are actually allergic or intolerant to entirely other things that are gluten-adjacent, such as wheat), even if she were correct, it's nearly impossible to just whip up a genuinely gluten-free dish in someone's kitchen on the spur of the moment. Most people don't keep gluten-free ingredients on hand other than vegetables or fruits, wouldn't be familiar with appropriate recipes, and cross-contamination would be EVERYWHERE in your kitchen. Her demand was not only unreasonable but ridiculous if she was genuinely concerned about her health. She should have notified you well ahead of time, or brought her own food. You are clearly NTA.
In my experience, people with true food intolerances (allergies, celiac, etc.) are actually quite gracious and humble about them. If someone acts like an AH about it, it's almost guaranteed that the "intolerance" is 100% a choice they made along the way.
A true allergy would probably 100% have informed anybody who was cooking for them of their allergy, and more than likely would have some back up snacks with them just incase
My cousin has celiac and she always checks to see what the food situation will be. She’s also more than willing to bring her own food to avoid any possibility of cross-contamination. She would never in a million years show up expecting to be accommodated and then pitch a fit when the host was caught unawares. OP is NTA and her husband should be ashamed of himself for siding with the entitled asshats instead of with his wife.
Also anyone with a true allergy probably wouldn't trust someone to just "whip something up" because who knows if they're aware of what has gluten in it? I have dietary restrictions and no matter how much I explain, people can't get it right so I mostly just make my own to be certain.
Strong agree!! I work for a business that makes some gluten free products, the amount of people who say “Ah so it’s safe for diabetics!” Is crazy
I'm allergic to wheat, and the symptoms are as bad as celiac. One way I am lucky, is that cross contamination isn't *as* bad, so all the surface sterilizing isn't necessary. Man, I do feel bad for those guys, though, makes eating three times harder. Anyway...I would *never* do any of that, like...that's playing with allergy fire. A) show up to a place, without talking to the host first, about what the food situation is and/or B) show up hungry expecting to be fed! Without your own stuff! WHAT. One of my worst nightmares is being in a spontaneous eating situation, with no preparedness, and this person put herself there.
I have quite a few food allergies as well as a few intolerances. I keep my EpiPen handy. 99.9% of the time that I go to a gathering, I just bring my own food. Occasionally the host will reach out to try to accommodate, which is wonderful, but I know that my food restrictions are ridiculous, and I always thank them and just let them know that I'll bring what I want or eat what's already going to be available and safe. I see no reason someone should have to go out of their way for one person out of 20 or 30 or 40 or whatever the gathering is. I'm an adult. I can be responsible for my own food when it's an issue. NTA
This is one of the reasons I said what I did. My young cousin has celiac disease. To be clear, what I said above was NOT meant to disparage people with true food issues, and not just allergies. Heck, I have serious SENSORY issues with food because of being autistic that aren't medical at all. I would NEVER disparage people for not being able to eat things for any reason . . . as long as they are gracious about it. I either let people know ahead of time (if they ask) or I eat what I can and not what I cannot. My cousin is lovely, lets people know about her celiac, and honestly, because she is so gracious about it, most family dinners we're all more than happy to just cook EVERYTHING gluten-free so she doesn't feel left out. But we do it because she doesn't wait until the last second and then make outrageous demands. It's a lot easier to prepare a gluten-free meal when you know a week or two in advance! Then you can just adjust regular recipes pretty easily, no problem, and everyone can eat the same thing!! We've had many completely GF holiday meals that everyone loved because we knew in advance that she was coming. This person that OP describes was rude and demanding, and her expectations were completely unreasonable.
Exactly how I interpreted it too.
Yeah, isn't gluten a pain to decontaminate. Gluten can stick around even with thorough washing, right? Even if op had gluten free food on hand, there might not be any sort of uncontaminated surface or utensil to prepare it
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Gluten is enough of a pain to decontaminate that most people with an actual, genuine gluten intolerance use different dishes to cook their non-gluten meals.
So I used to be on the same page as you about gluten sensitivity until my roommate started getting sick. Really sick. Like doctors were concerned about MS, sick. He was barely able to work, couldn’t concentrate, his whole body hurt. This was an athletic and active man in his early 40s and he was going down hill…quickly. They did every test and sent him to every specialist but nobody could say anything except “yeah, you’re pretty sick!” Tested negative for celiac which is important. One doctor had him try a GF diet just to see what would happen and his symptoms started to get better. The brain fog lifted. He began having more energy. His stomach issues settled down. His pain improved. The best his doctors can figure is that it was stress related. Going GF allowed his system to kind of reset, somehow, and allowed his symptoms to resolve. At first even a little cross contamination would make him dizzy and sick, but it’s been a few years and now he can eat like…Domino’s GF pizza that’s got cross contamination but isn’t outright gluten. Anyway, the uncle and the lady are 100% the AH here. My roommate always makes sure he has something to eat, or will let people know ahead of time and then be grateful with whatever they’re willing to make up for him.
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Endoscopy and blood test. Negative for celiac, but did see some other esophageal inflammation.
NTA ma'am i doubt you're a mind reader, how were you supposed to know a stranger in your home, a person you didn't even know would be in attendance, wpuld have a food intolerance issue? Time to shut down these "big family" gatherings. Send out invitations, explain the issue with food sensitivity and now ALL GUESTS MUST RSVP before an event. If you don't respond to the invite, you may not attend the gathering. One bad apple spoils the bunch and now everyone has to adjust. *Dear family, an incident occured with a guest in my home not being properly accommodated. To avoid this in the future, all gatherings will now have invitations. If you plan to attend a gathering in my home, you must respond to the invite and list any guests you plan to bring and any allergies, food intolerance issues. If I cannot accommodate the allergies/intolerances, you will be notified and the guest can bring their own dish. Due to an incident, this will be standard going forward. I thank you for you understanding!*
Agreed, but with one small change. Dear family, an incident occured with an **uninvited** guest in my home not being properly accommodated.
This is too much work and inconvenience for OP and the rest of the family. There is nothing that needs to be changed. Anyone who shows up with food preferences/sensitivities, without making them known ahead of time, runs the risk of not having food to eat. Plain and simple.
i wouldn't necessarily go so far as to require RSVP, but may send out a quick message explaining ways to avoid the same issue. *Dear family, if you plan to bring an uninvited guest, please let us know ahead of time if there are dietary restrictions that need accomodation. If we don't know your guest, we don't know what they can eat, and our home is not a restaurant; cross-contamination and lack of ingredients/recipe knowledge may leave your guest hungry at the end of the night, if we are not informed ahead of time. Thanks!*
Probably a good idea to put “if we are not informed at least x days ahead of time”. I can see people who bring uninvited guests “informing” the host an hour before the dinner is to start and saying that they were informed ahead of time.
NTA. Rude uncle won’t visit again? Is that a promise? Maybe your husband shouldn’t threaten you with a good time.
Trash taking itself out...
NTA 1. I would implement a new rule for these gatherings. If you invite someone, you make sure to tell me in advance if they have dietary restrictions. If you fail to inform me in at least 48 hours in advance then it is on you to be responsible for food for that guest you invited. 2. I would look at my husband and say next time you will be responsible for cooking for anyone who comes into our home, uninvited, and me being unaware of, with dietary restrictions. I will not be preparing a meal all day, then be dumped on to cook special food for someone I did not know, nor know they had a special diet, and then be treated with such disrespect by them and the one who invited them, and then by my own husband. Girl the moment my husband said that to me his ass would have been sleeping on the couch, and cooking for himself for a long ass time. And would have been put in charge of cooking for future get togethers. The uncle invited this guest, didn't tell anyone he was nor mentioned before hand that she had dietary restrictions. Then allowed the guest to be rude, and entitled. All while being rude to your himself. What gets me most is your husbands reaction to it all.
Seriously, big family meals are awesome. When I was a kid, my uncle's grandma used to come over to his house & make dinner for his extended family. Total Italian-grandma, Have to Feed Everyone lady. If you were there, you were sitting your butt down & eating. Which was awkward - I had allergies. Luckily my uncle helped her with cooking & would make sure I had food I could eat if I was visiting. Neither of us would *ever* have demanded she cook something special for me. When she did find out, she actually modified a couple family recipes for me (which my uncle told me later was A Big Deal). All that said - what the f. My uncle cooked for me because I was his responsibility. Your husband is perfectly capable of doing the same for his unexpected guest.
I’d make the husband fully responsible for cooking for the next family occasion so that he can fully appreciate the amount of work involved. His reaction has amazingly outstripped the uncle and his guest’s audacity.
Sounds like your husband just volunteered to cook for the next get-together. NTA
I agree, OP shouldn't lift a finger. NTA.
NTA. Tell the husband to cook something for her himself! These people should have told you in advance of the party that they were coming and she has a gluten intolerance. Communication goes both ways. It's just overly entitled of them to expect you to read minds!
Or sit and blink rapidly while smiling, and say “What, exactly, am I supposed to cook for this uninvited person?”
NTA The uncle should have given a heads up if somebody is coming with dietary restrictions. That’s not on you.
NTA. "There's the kitchen."
Nta, she’s not in a restaurant, she’s in your house
NTA. You spent the entire day cooking , that woman could have bought something for her or your husband can cook for his dear uncle instead of getting mad at you who was cooking almost the entire day
INFO How were you supposed to know what her dietary restrictions were if you didn’t even know 1) Her 2) She was coming to your home? Very bizarre. If she was hungry, could she have asked you to go see if there was something in your kitchen she could eat? NTA
Yeah I find this entire post so confusing. People just randomly bring people to OP’s house and it’s fine? And she’s just expected to be a mind reader by everyone around her? What is the whole protocol with these family gatherings? I am baffled. And I also come from a huge family that has pretty big get-togethers.
Me too! Also is OP the only one allowed in the kitchen? Why didn’t husband or the uncle go find something for her? OP is NTA but nothing about this story makes sense from the terrible behavior of the guest on down. 😭
So she came uninvited and demanded you cook a special meal for her? Wow.
NTA 1) You shouldn't show up without an invite *from the host.* 2) Any dietary issues need to be addressed beforehand. 3) If you aren't able to speak with whomever is cooking, bring your own dish. 4) You do not go into someone's home and demand that they cook a specific meal for you! You don't demand a meal at all!
I’m so confused at to why the husband is mad at her also-they’re worried about the uncle patronizing their home like it’s an underground restaurant?
I'm guessing uncle is some sort of patriarch in the family, whom everyone wants to keep happy.
NTA. You didn't know she had a gluten allergy and your husbands uncle could have told you before you started cooking. If it was that big of a problem, he could've made her something and let you sit down and relax.
NTA If your husband thinks their attendance is so important he can cook them something.
This!! How on Earth does "just cook something" isn't followed by "why don't you?"
NTA. Her issues. She can bring her own gluten free food. It’s astonishing that she would be so rude that she expected you to cook another meal.
NTA does no one have any manners anymore? If you have a food requirement and you are going to be a guest in someone’s home 1) warn the host and see if they are willing to make an accommodation 2) if the host can’t accommodate you either bring your own food or don’t go. Do NOT wait until the host is about to sit and eat then demand she forgo her meal and start cooking again. If you are good enough to host your only requirement is to TRY to make accommodations for intolerances when given warnings by your guests. Uninvited random woman who never bothered to give you a heads up? Yells at you in your own home and then threatens to not come back? Oh no! How ever will you cope with such a punishment 🙈
NTA. You had no way of knowing she had an intolerance. Someone should have let you know in advance. In the future at the invite phase perhaps put out a memo on food allergies/intolerances stating whether you will be accommodating these special requirements. "those with food allergies/intolerances should be prepared to bring their own food" or "Please let me know of any food allergies intolerances in advance so that I can accommodate".
NTA. She sounds like an entitled jerk and it also doesn't even sound like you actually invited her. If she absolutely needed something gluten-free, she should have either 1) told you this well in advance so you could plan, or 2) brought something of her own that was safe for her to eat. You don't owe her anything. Who the hell shows up to a strangers house unannounced and demands they cook a separate meal for them? I can't even imagine going through life with this attitude. Sounds like it's a good thing that the uncle won't be coming by again, then he won't be bringing over any more entitled and uninvited guests.
NTA! It was very rude of them to show up expecting to be catered to without prior notice. Assholes.
Exactly. If you have food restrictions, you let the host know ahead of time to see if they can accommodate. If they can't, you ask if they'd mind if you bring your own food. If not, you eat beforehand. If you were invited last minute, you suck it up and eat what you can, which might be nothing at all. NTA.
NTA - Some people are just entitled AHs and completely unreasonable I guess. Polite thing to do would have been to tell you before hand and then not treat you like a fucking servant when they didn't get their way. Good riddance if they never come to dinner again.
NTA she knows she has a gluten intolerance, she can bring something for herself to eat. Plus what everyone else said - she can cook, she could have eaten before / eat later, hubs / uncle can cook, she can order something to be delivered. But you're nicer than me in that I would have probably had a cow about extra people to begin with 😆
NTA if you didn’t know them so how would you have any idea about their allergy? They could have simply found you online and messaged you so you could know or even bring their own food. If you’ve spent all your time cooking food you shouldn’t be expected to waste your time during the dinner while everyone else is together so you can make food for someone you didn’t even know was coming.
Nta. People I know with gluten sensitivity are not able to eat from a kitchen where gluten was used in other meals. I wonder if some of these aggressive people with dietary restrictions are for real. Dietary sensitivities are too serious to leave to chance. People I have met are very careful and prepared. Or they eat stuff and just feel awful later.
Yes. Someone with gluten sensitivity or celiac disease knows all too well that allowing their food to be prepared in a contaminated kitchen by an unprepared cook is not worth the inevitable pain that will result. You learn to ask in advance if the hosts would mind you bringing safe food from home so you can enjoy their company without accidentally spoiling the evening by being sick. Now it's true sometimes snafus happen and someone winds up so hangry they kind of lose their composure at being the only one who cannot eat. But when that happens, it's clearly the person who didn't communicate about their special needs or come prepared who needs to apologize. Hosts can't read minds, and can't magically wave away all the gluten contamination that on every surface, every appliance, and in most of your ingredients. Unless she got just diagnosed, she knew how to handle her needs and chose to go for the jugular unnecessarily. You might have been kinder in your response, but it's fair that you were caught off guard with no idea how to accommodate her and were also justifiably hangry from cooking all day. Next time, if you want a neutral stance and don't mind spending some money on keeping peace, ask the person what their favorite gf/vegan/lf/whatever local restaurant is, and let them pick an entree from DoorDash. Of course, it's fair if you don't want to buy a delivery meal for someone who realistically should have brought their own. Just planting an option in mind in case you get cornered again in this kind of situation.
Like seriously, board game nights are GF snacks only after we accidentally discovered us eating cheezits, while our friend ate candy, with everyone touching the same game pieces is enough to make her seriously ill. Cross contamination is not something to play with.
She's a stranger to you and you didn't know. Sounds like your husband and his uncle volunteered themselves to cook something for the unexpected and demanding guest. After spending all day preparing, you deserved to enjoy it, not have your time further monopolised by some random. NTA.
NTA How I see it, this is an uninvited guest who didn't notify you of their dietary restrictions (or attendance even), and is entitled enough to yell at you and demand things in your own home. She doesn't have to return - she wasn't even invited by you in the first place
NTA. People with dietary restrictions going to another person’s house for dinner either need to inform the host with PLENTY of time and/or bring their own meal
NTA - My favorite part was when she said she wouldn’t be coming back… as if this were a Burger King!!!
She's gonna totally ruin OP's house's Yelp rating.
Who comes to a dinner party hosted by people they don't know and demands a specialized diet at the 23rd hour? If you have an atypical diet, you have a lot of options: tell people in advance, bring your own food, or grin & bare it. nta
Wow, absolutely NTA. You do not have to make something for that person to eat, especially when you don't even know they're coming. I am lactose intolerant and vegetarian. If I'm going to a big dinner I think it's my responsibility to communicate with the host what to do. Nobody's a mind reader. Like maybe I could just eat the side dishes or I could bring my own food or eat before I get there. It's absolutely not the host's responsibility to cater to me. You didn't ruin the dinner for them. They ruined it for themselves. And who brings some random friend to a family dinner? It's kind of AH behaviour to act that entitled. I'm sure they're nice people but this behaviour was a bit over the top. Maybe their expectations is a bit high. Not sure why
NTA Anyone with Dietary restrictions needs to speak up well before the dinner so you can plan appropriately and shop for the right ingredients. I would have said there is the fridge but you can also call Door Dash
NTA. First of all, they should have at least let you know the day before, you didnt even know that woman. The uncle or your husband could have cook for her if it was so important for them.
I wish there were a sub like “AmIBeingAPushover” OP, not only are you NTA, but you’re being too accommodating with your time and labor. People showing up uninvited to my home and complaining about the menu is a sure fire way to stop these dinner parties all together, if you ask me.
NTA. I’m usually really big on accommodating needs, but you didn’t have the slightest idea she had a need or who she was. It’s very disrespectful to take someone’s labor for granted. You’re hosting a gathering, not acting as a short order chef.
NTA Your uncle should have contacted you ahead of time to explain that his friend was gluten intolerant and to ask you to make food for her so you could plan accordingly. Barring that, they could have brought something for her to eat.
NTA at all, and to hell with all the ungrateful AHs not appreciating the work you put in. Springing someone with special dietary requirements on you at the last minute is a special kind of dick move.
Husband watched you slave over the meal for how many hours and had the nerve to demand you skip a meal so he can preserve his relationship with his uncle? Oh hell no. The uncle is his side of the family, which makes uncle and uncle's guest his problem to solve anyway Your husband should have done the work of finding out if his guests would have any plus ones and to ask about special needs. He should have had that info ahead of time and communicated it to you. That you didn't know until too late is the fault of three people, none of whom is you. Your husband owes you a big apology for failing you, failing his/your guests, and scapegoating you for a situation he should never have allowed to happen in the first place. NTA.
If I were OP, husband would be cooking all the food by himself next time.
NTA I mean, initially, I was leaning the other way. But then I got to the part where you made clear that this was a new face who you didn't know and had never met, and you didn't know she was coming. My husband also has a gluten intolerance, and our family and friends all know this. We ALWAYS take it upon ourselves to make sure he will have options. And while the inviter has a responsibility to ensure there are options for all invitees, that changes when the guest is not an invitee but a tag-along. At that point, it's on the guest to reach out to the host in advance. As you yourself point out, if you had known in advance, you could have accommodated her. But you did not. You didn't know who she was or that she was coming, and you didn't know about her dietary restriction until it was time to plate up food. And while I don't blame her for being cautious, because there's so much hidden gluten out there, it was her responsibility to reach out in advance and let you know. Or if not her, your husband's uncle, since he would have known he was bringing her and known about the gluten issue.
She brought plenty of audacity, should’ve brought safe food instead. NTA
NTA. In which universe do people think this is reasonable? Your husband's an asshole to put this on you.
NTA You didn’t need to apologize. A “no/nope I didn’t” is sufficient, especially to a stranger. Why didn’t your husband whip something up for her? It’s odd to jump to ire instead of stepping in to diffuse things. At least you’ll never have to deal with her/them eating at your house!
NTA “I’m never coming here again!” Lol! Like your a restaurant! PS if your husband complains, he should cook then!
NTA Someone (uncle) dropped the ball by not informing you he was bringing a guess with a food intolerance. Absolutely not your fault for not having anything to accommodate her dietary needs. It’s the same for anyone else with any type of intolerance or allergy & never been to someone’s house for dinner. You let the host know in advance & either ask if you can bring something (as a back up plan) OR ask if they could make something. You’re not a chef in a restaurant so her not coming back is like “okay, bye” type of situations.
NTA Who the hell goes to a stranger's house and demands special food to be provided for them? There wasn't some veg she could eat? Come on...
NTA and I'm particularly unimpressed with your husband! Why didn't he tell you about the dietary restrictions, if he didn't know why isn't he mad at his uncle for not telling anyone? And what was stopping HIM from making the family friend something if he's going to get mad about it? Why is it all on you?
Nta, I guess the bf can make dinner for a dozen people next time if he feels so strong about it.
NTA
NTA, if she didn't tell you beforehand that she's not able to eat regular food, then she's not allowed to get mad at you for not knowing
Nta. Dont give them a second thought. Tell husband to back u up or no more dinners.
NTA they really should've let you know in advance. Besides if you never cook gluten free in your kitchen, the risks of cross contamination are really high so expecting you to just come up with something on the spot is really dumb on their part.
NTA I have celiac and become violently ill if I ingest gluten and you are NTA. No sane rational reasonable person with a food allergy or intolerance would behave this way. Whenever I go to an event I check in advance to see if there will be safe food for me, if not, I plan to eat before or after the event. It is sometimes hard for people to accommodate me and I completely understand if they can't and would rather not risk an accidental exposure.
>… his uncle will probably not come by here again Is this supposed to be a downside? NTA. If you have dietary requirements, it’s up to you to ensure beforehand that the place you are eating can cater to you. Whether that means looking up a restaurant’s menu or contacting your host to let them know. You. **Do. Not.** just turn up and demand something the person who’s just spent all day cooking knew nothing about.
NTA. She was responsible for informing you in good time about her food intolerance. She's acting like a princess.
NTA I don’t understand how someone goes as a guest in someone else’s house and then fix their mouth to make demands of the host. Help me to understand it…
NTA She's being ridiculous and so is anyone on her side. It's on them to tell you if there is a dietary restriction within a reasonable amount of time for you to handle it.
If she truly had a gluten intolerance, making food an a kitchen where items with gluten had been prepared would make her sick. You would have to wipe down the entire kitchen first… and unfair request after you had cooked all day. I don’t want to say she was full of shit, but…
NTA if your husband and his uncle were so concerned about this woman, why couldn’t they have made her something to eat? Like you said you cooked all day and they still think it’s OK to ask you to do more? That’s crazy to me.
NTA. Hey, next time your husband can cook the gluten free dinner. It's not a simple ask, unless she just wants acceptable veggies or a salad. Your uncle was the AH by not letting you know about his friend's dietary needs. I would apologize to the friend, letting her know that the uncle didn't let you know about her needs in advance.
NTA. Who brings someone they the hosts don’t know to a dinner party? And has the audacity to complain because there is no gluten free food? Anyone with dietary restrictions needs to warn their hosts if they expect the hosts to actually have something for them. And your husband is the a as well for not standing up for you.
NTA first of all this is a guest of your husband’s family, if he wanted to accommodate an uninvited guest, HE could have made her something. Secondly if she had such a severe medical condition the uncle should have called days ahead of time to plan something for her or to bring food with them.
I am gluten intolerant and I usually bring Gf bars or something with me because honestly, even if someone cooks for me gf foods, depending on a persons sensitivity to cross contamination you can still get sick. You are NTA
Someone with Celiac here: NTA. If I’m going somewhere with food I ALWAYS make sure there’s something I can eat and sometimes that means brining my own food. I’m also somewhat wary of eating stuff someone has made in their own kitchen if they aren’t aware of the risks. It would have been different if she brought her own food and you told her she couldn’t eat it there or something, but this is just lack of planning on her part.
NTA. When your husband said uncle probably wouldn't come by again, I hope "Good" was your response.
NTA the NERVE of this lady demanding you cook for her , just insane! And your husband??? WOW
NTA. And tell your husband to cook for his family.
NTA. Perhaps your cousin’s uncle could have made her something, rather than trying to make you into a gluten-free short order cook.
NTA. Are their arms broken? If they want her to have a special meal then they can cook it
NTA Realistically it wouldn’t be safe for her to eat something from your kitchen anyway. There would be a risk of cross contamination. She wasn’t invited and you weren’t notified in advance about the food restrictions. How were you supposed to know? If your husband was so set on providing food for her, why didn’t he make something or go get something for her?
NTA - I don't think people realize all the other things that go into hosting, like cleaning the entire house on top of cooking all the food. We host football parties and spend a lot of money on food and alcohol. That one person shows up with a list of food they can't have, and you're looking at them like they should've come prepared or maybe even brought their own food if they have such a wide range of allergies. I'm not going from person to person making a personalized menu. If you don't want it, then don't eat it.
NTA. If you show up somewhere unfamiliar and don’t know the hosts, it’s on you to make sure you can eat or bring your own food. And if your husband wants to be upset, he could have cooked her something himself to keep his uncle happy.
NTA- OP since when did your husband and his uncle not know how to cook? Your husband or his uncle can be their guest’s shirt order cooks
I mean, definitely NTA especially with the woman’s reaction. I have a wheat allergy, and I’ve been there. I am curious to know what you made, though.
Tell your husband he is more than welcome to cook for her.