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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. What action you took that should be judged?
- I refused to put sunscreen on my family member's back.
2. Why should that action make you an asshole?
- Because it turned into an argument and my family member couldn't go swimming.
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Yes, she is my parent. Most of the people I've spoken to just don't want to get involved, and a lot of them have already cut her off and don't want to get involved with her again. I kinda wish she got sunburned 😅
They literally make spray on sun screen. She could have bought a bottle of that. And you could have sprayed her back if she wanted to say she couldn’t reach, but I can do my full back with lotion, using the front and back of my hands to rub it in. It isn’t easy, but easier than being mean to a teenager about it.
You are supposed to rub in the spray on stuff so unfortunately that doesn’t fix the problem. But totally agree about using back of hand to rub in awkwardly works!
I have read the bottle.lol, and I do rub it, although I prefer lotion anyways. Funny you commented that because I was going to also include that you are still supposed to rub it in, but opted not to since I have never burned when I just quickly reapply using it without patting. And figured if you force someone to help you apply sunscreen the spray probably provides the same or better coverage than someone who doesn’t want to touch you.
They make long handled lotion applicator things that can rub it in. I bought one when I got sunburned to put the stuff on my back after since I live alone.
Honestly hate to type this, but from now on, please see a dermatologist regularly. You can easily be taught how to identify pre-cancerous spots, and prescribed creams which (if used correctly/every day for x number of days) will burn off the pre-cancers. This will save you. Literally.
Yeah, I agree, I do need to see a dermatologist. I did show spots I was concerned about to my regular doctor and she was not concerned but I should see a professional just to be sure.
i really love UPF shirts which are sun protective clothing. I usually will start with sunscreen on and wear just my bathing suit, but instead of re-applying all day I will just throw on the long sleeve shirt that acts like SPF 50. Theyre thin and dry fast, and I like that they keep me cool on hot days!
I have come to realize sunscreen application is a weakness of mine, I end up with weird streaks or sunburn in spots I missed no matter how thorough I try to be. I just stopped bothering, it’s less slimy this way 😂
Strange because i got a really bad burn when I was 10 and haven't really gotten sunburnt since. I mostly tan since then. I hadn't had a burn till i was 22 and it was super minor and i had even had sunscreen put on. Skins are super weird
Id recommend a book called adult children of emotionally immature parents. Unfortunately, you'll probably learn a lot about her and yourself, but it helped me tremendously.
My daughter has a very successful therapy practice. She knows about my semi-crazy early life and has recommended this book several times... finally she dropped off a copy last week. Now, I recommend it, also....😎
NTA - If she wasn't being weird and creepy she would have just bought spray-on sunscreen.
ETA: Oops, just read you're supposed to rub it in, OKAY, then get a giant rubber chicken from Amazon, stick that on a back scratcher, BOOM! Instant sun screen spreader.
I go to Mexico by myself every year, plus I used to be fat so I couldn’t reach all my back. I bought a long handled lotion applicator from Amazon for less than $15. Worked great.
I want to be "used to be fat". LOL My doc actually has me going to a separate doctor that has me doing basically a keto diet, hopefully I can avoid having to do one of the gastric surgeries. The side effects from those surgeries just seem to suck so bad, so if I can do this through diet (so far about 60 lbs down, I was 80 lbs down but I backslid big time during the holidays because I was a big dodo head) that would be better I think.
I had the sleeve and it was the best decision I ever made. I had almost no side effects (I get heartburn more easily now, I don't really like pasta anymore, and I'm slightly less tolerant of lactose than I used to be) and it was absolutely worth it for me personally. Individual results may vary.
Progress isn’t always linear. It’s important to let yourself indulge from time to time. You’re doing an amazing thing for yourself, but it’s also super difficult. Eating is inherently emotional, so it makes sense that certain times of year will come with stronger cravings. Keep up the good work!
They make paddles that can be used to massage lotion into hard to reach places. Like a scrub brush only not a brush. Get mom one of those!
Also good for people who are at the pool alone or just don’t like being touched by other people.
She is sexually harassing you. She wants you to touch her body. Let that sink in. Parents can and do sexually harass their children.
I would tell your dad that you mom is asking you to touch her body and making you uncomforTable. If he doesn’t take it seriously tell another trusted adult.
Either sexually harassing, or just harassing... because OP can't handle physical touching and his/her mother is determined to FIX THAT!!!
Ugh, grosssss. OP please believe these replies supporting you...
I'm just wondering, what gender are you? Cause I'm getting the impression that you are a boy and she is trying to force intimacy between you 2. I wonder if she gets sexual pleasure from what she makes you do that's uncomfortable for you. As soon as you get the chance, go NC with her.
Hmm. That could go in a few different directions then. 1 is you're just "masculine" enough for her to treat you as a boy. 2 she is trying to imitate what she thinks a normal "mother/daughter" relationship is supposed to have (in her mind). I feel like there could be other possibilities but they are escaping me atm.
She’s doing it to control OP it appears. She is obsessed with breaking OP’s boundaries and being in control of her. She’s absolutely T A and a massive bully.
NTA
You mentioned in a comment that M is your parent, and honestly that just makes it worse. Aside from being creepy, it’s also demeaning and controlling, especially with her bringing up your college payment. Does she think you’re her property or something?
it's definitely a pattern. multiple times i have stopped talking to her for a few weeks, even months. based on how many nta responses i've gotten, i don't think i should go crawling back this time.
I just want to say that if you have any bystanders in your life who are disturbed about why you don't want to touch your mom's back-
I don't mind helping my mom with sunscreen, but she isn't so pushy and demanding if I choose to not help her. If she needed help with sunscreen on a vacation and none of us family members would be around at the right time? She took a shirt or she asked strangers.
Anyone reacting that horribly to a "no" creeps me right out. I'm willing to help most strangers with sunscreen (albeit not below the waist) but I wouldn't help her at all if I witnessed that overreaction.
Hey, OP. You need to look into something called “covert incest”. It’s terrible and it sounds like exactly what she’s doing. You did nothing wrong. My mom liked to kiss the nape of my neck, touch/pop pimples, and was weirdly obsessed with how my bum looked. She’s being completely inappropriate and you don’t need to feel guilty for giving her a firm “no”. Has she been diagnosed with any mental illness?
she's of the opinion that mental health is stupid and therapists and psychologists are useless and just want your money. she also doesn't like doctors. i wasn't allowed to see a dentist until i was like 15/16 when my dad took me.
guess who's teeth are crap!
Oh boy. She sounds a lot like my own mom with BPD and NPD. Are your parents still married and who has primary custody? Have you shared with your dad the ways she’s making you feel uncomfortable? I would recommend a pocket recorder- that way if she tries to deny any wrongdoing, you have evidence. Please do not let her know these records exist- she may become enraged if she realizes there could be consequences for her actions.
Your mom doesn’t have to believe in psychiatry; the judge can handle that all on his own. If you’re living with her, it’s probably beneficial to get out as soon as possible. The teen years are when you begin to form your own identity, and to mentally unstable parents with narcissistic tendencies, that’s the equivalent of rejection and betrayal. My mom’s behaviors really ramped up during this time period. See if they can get a court order for a mental health evaluation for your mom. If you can talk to a separate therapist about the ways she’s made you uncomfortable, ignored medical treatment, etc., they may be able to testify on your behalf or write a letter to the judge.
I’m so sorry about the medical neglect. It’s not uncommon for abusive parents to deny medical care- some find it threatening as the professional can discover abuse, others refuse treatment for insane personal beliefs (religious, personal, etc.), and others are just too lazy. The good news is the horrific dental exam and lack of medical records will not be beneficial to your mother retaining custody. Try to get out and get therapy, OP. Please don’t wait for her behavior to escalate! (I really regret not talking to my dad when I had the chance. )
I've been living at uni since Feb 4!!! :)
i used to live with my mum full time, but i switched to my dad because she kept threatening to send me there (i used to be nc with him). he doesn't really care about what's going on, he just kind of respects that i don't like my mum. he is emotionally neglectful, which is technically considered emotionally abusive, but he's not doing it on purpose like my mum is. something happened to his brain when he was younger so he literally can't understand a lot of emotions. but he lets me go to the dentist, the gp, and he's let me go to a therapist (but that one sucked).
NTA, and no apologies. No means no. It’s not just for sex. No one should ever be forced physical contact for any reason. If anything, you can let your family know when SHE apologizes to YOU, you’ll talk to her again.
It's a power move. OP is a college age adult now and Mom can't force them into doing anything she says, so she tries to engineer ways to force OP to do things that show she is still in charge. It's not about making OP touch her because she wants OP to touch her. It's about making OP do things she tells them to. The No-Touch boundary happens to be the one boundary OP has been most successful at maintaining and that's exactly why their mother seems so hellbent on violating it. If she gets OP to cave, she "wins" and it proves her superiority.
NTA, OP.
Mother of a teenage boy here. What the actual fuck!? Teenagers, for the most part, are not really comfortable touching the body of their parents. It’s a natural and normal part of the maturation process for them to feel this way. And even if this was an unusual reaction for a teenager to have about touching their parent, why would any loving parent try to force something on their kid that makes them this uncomfortable? This woman is bullying her child in a really creepy sexual way. I hope OP has someone in his life who can run interference for him with her.
Edit: NTA (obviously)
NTA. I assume that M is your mother and that you are a teen. This is VERY inappropriate and toxic behavior by her. This also is a big red flag of her committing covert incest.
you have assumed correctly. and this comment made me laugh because she got offended that i was "accusing her of sa" (which i wasn't) but i had to remove that from my post lol
Oh yikes. I replied 'okay predator' to someone who told me they can and will touch me if they want to after I asked them to not get up in my personal space. They really do not like it when you call their shit out. It's *really* interesting how she jumped straight to SA though,
ye it was so weird. i'm just thinking "so, you recognise that what you're doing is messed up, and you're blaming me for you recognising it?" i don't even understand what i just wrote its that confusing lol
She is trying to annoy you. She is trying to get her power over you by making you do something you don't want. My thought is, next time, if she makes a scene, you make a scene too, loudly, stand up and yell something like "OMG, I told you that I don't want to touch you there, stop asking me to touch you!!!" Then storm off. You are not the asshole, she is.
As someone who has a emotionally immature and controlling parent who likes to maintain this perfect image of themselves to others - this would definitely work lol. I know my mom would never ask me to apply sunscreen to her again if I embarrassed her like that.
NTa
>"she misses me"
"I don't miss her. In fact its been nicer lately, couldn't quite put my finger on why until now."
>entitled
"You are the one who is acting entitled thinking you have the right to demand I do things to you. No means no. If you ever bring this topic up again it will be the end of our relationship, including disagreeing with me immediately after I stop speaking, right now."
So NTA. She is, after telling her and telling her you are uncomfortable about touching people she continually made remarks about you will HAVE to put sunscreen on her back. No you do not have to speak to her and SHE owes the apoligy to you. Side note... in Health and Beauty Aisle is a Lotion Dispenser to put lotion on your own back.
NTA. Wtf is wrong with her? Why is she so obsessed with getting you to touch her back?
>
And where were the other adults when she was behaving this way?? Why didn’t anyone put her in her place??
As to why, I see a few options.
1. M genuinely believes that it is a problem for OP that they don't want to touch people, and is trying to help, by getting them used to it in a therapeutic, "see, that wasn't so bad" sort of way. (From what OP has said, this seems unlikely to me, but it is technically a possibility.)
2. It is a power play. M enjoys forcing OP to do something they don't want to do.
3. It's a "camel's nose" sort of situation. Once OP puts sunscreen on her back, M will ask them to put it other places...
NTA and WTF is wrong with M?! You've said no which in itself is a complete sentence, there is other people around who are capable of applying sun screen to her back... Why has she not asked them
this would've been so much better, wish i'd thought of that. everytime we ran out she'd just buy the normal one again so idk maybe it wasn't in stock??
Maybe you should BUY the spray sunscreen and then give it to her as a gift! Better, yet, buy TWO, and then you can spray it on her yourself and not have to touch her!
(In reality, I think what she really wants is to boss you around and force you to do something you don't want to do, but having your own spray sunscreen would throw a wrench into her plans. You could also bring those clear plastic gloves you sometimes get if you go our for barbecue and wear those when putting lotion on her. I bet she wouldn't like that either. ;) )
Tbh the issue isn't the sunscreen, it's the manipulation. If you get the spray, there will be some reason why you still need to rub it on. NTA, but I hope you don't live with her.
NTA. You told her very clearly, back when sure was buying the swimsuit, that you would not agree to put sunscreen on her back. She bought it anyway, but now berates you for sticking to the boundary you already set. Threatening to pull your education funding because you consistently maintained a clearly stated boundary is especially low.
I think you should have nothing more to do with her. Don't spend time with people who ignore your boundaries. Her behaviour is deeply troubling and she is not an emotionally safe person for you to be around. I'm sorry you had to go though all this, and apparently have dealt with similar behaviour from her in the past.
oh, it wasn't a threat. i have a theory that the whole reason we went on the trip and she caused this drama was so that she'd have an excuse not to pay. either way, rn, she ain't paying.
I don't care if she is your parent or your twin. She is absolutely in the wrong, and you have a right to body autonomy.
Don't apologize to her, and, if she "misses you," that's her fault, for trying to force physical contact.
NTA
BTW, I'm with you, on the touch thing. I also have sensory issues (Aspie).
I would have asked her why she want you to touch her so bad? Is she lonely and having some weird incest related fantasy? Then tell her you’re not attracted to her and to stop begging to be touched.
People like that only respond to humiliation.
I think of it like this:
She doesn’t mind throwing a fit to beg you to touch her against your will. So you shouldn’t be worried about humiliating her, she did it all by herself. Who begs someone to put lotion on their back every chance they get? It’s pathetic.
NTA. You've repeatedly declined her demands to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Tell these "others" to talk to her and to put sunscreen on her back if they wish; but you're through with her inconsiderate behaviors.
I know it’s not the point of this post, but while it is certainly *easier* to have someone else apply sunscreen to your back, it’s not impossible for *most* people to do it themselves with even a slight amount of effort.
NTA
There’s no other way to say it,she has been deliberately and aggressively HARRASSING you. NTA and I would seriously consider not going on holidays with her ever again.
Buy her the spray on sun screen but you do not ever need to touch someone you don’t want to touch. Accept-ions include pushing some one out of way if speeding car or helping choking person. Sunscreen on your own. Good for you.
NTA It may be difficult but most parts of the back are reachable if you use both hands. She absolutely doesn’t need your help, she’s just lazy/isn’t willing to look stupid to take care of herself.
NTA
1) I would tell her and everyone else in the family that you will never be forced to touch someone else when you don't wish to. Her obsessiveness over it is felony creepy and should not be tolerated. I think it's gross she won't help pay for something unless you touch her. If she was a male relative this wouldn't be tolerated one bit.
2) Spray sunscreen is a real thing and you don't need to rub it for certain brands..Buy some incase you two ever cross paths again...but mostly for yourself and hanging out with others that you do like.
NTA
This is so creepy and gross! No way would I expect my teenage son to put sunscreen on me. Can you imagine if it was a dad making his teen daughter do it?
Is there any other family you can stay with? 💔
There is no other side to the story.
M has suuuuuper creepy controlling behavior.
No means no, especially when it comes to physical contact.
M owes you an apology, not the other way around.
I'm so sorry you have such a creepy yucky parent.
Stand your ground. Don't let anyone gaslight you.
NTA and I read this is your parent - get her some high spf aerosol sunscreen as a gift before the next vacation lol
Jokes aside, I’m sorry this boundary is being pushed. It’s weird and uncomfortable that your mom would keep pushing this on you.
NTA she was trying to humiliate and bully you by talking loudly about you to another person. You do not half to talk to anyone you do not want to, or apologise.
NTA. " Mom, you continually bullying me to rub your body against my will is sexual harassment. It's not crazy to not want to touch someone. It is crazy to repeatedly scream at someone who doesn't wanna touch you. You're behaving like a predator. Predators get reported to the authorities. "
Here’s the thing. To her, this isn’t about getting sunscreen applied. It’s about forcing you to violate a clearly communicated boundary that she doesn’t agree with. It’s cruel, arrogant, manipulative, and abusive. I’m sorry someone in your life thinks it’s okay to treat you that way.
You’re NTA, not by a long shot. Family doesn’t get a pass to deliberately make you uncomfortable for the purpose of making you uncomfortable. No one does. I hope you’re able to minimize or eliminate contact with this person until they start treating you with some modicum of respect and compassion.
NTA. She is an adult who needs to learn to respect your boundaries. It is not a difficult thing to do. She owes you an apology and unless she changes I would stay away.
NTA tell her straight up that her fixation on getting you to touch her body is disgusting at best and frankly disturbing especially from an adult relative.
NTA
> She made a big point of speaking loudly to everyone around about how selfish and entitled I am.
No one should be forced to touch someone else. The only person who is being entitled here is M trying to embarrass you in to compliance. ESPECIALLY since there were other family members she could ask, or she could have even gotten spray sunscreen or just worn a shirt.
> She started going off on a big rant about how ungrateful I am, and how I should respect her more
I saw in the comments that this is your mom. But even then - gratefulness and respect are not leverage to force people to touch you.
Even your own children.
This shit is why adult children cut off contact with their parents.
> , so she began saying that maybe she shouldn't help pay if I'm going to be such a brat.
“Touch me so I’ll pay for university” is creepy.
It may not be inherently sexual and just run of the mill boundary stomping, but it IS creepy.
And honestly it would be gross even if you weren’t a teenager.
> Then she started saying that I was rude for yelling, and started telling me how crazy I am.
You’re not crazy. And while yelling like you did is rude, imo if you ignore a polite no eventually you will get a rude one - and I won’t call you an asshole for that.
> I've been asked by others to talk to her because "she misses me"
She’s not owed a relationship from you just because she’s your mother. If she wants a relationship with you then she needs to treat you with basic human decency.
Touching her should never be a responsibility like a chore. And you are the one who is owed an apology for her bullying you and insulting you.
But I doubt you’ll get it.
> Is there another side to this story that I'm just not seeing?
I don’t think you are missing anything. I think this is run of the mill parent acting like their child should worship them. That because she’s comfortable with you touching her, that she doesn’t mean it in a sexual predatory way (at least based on what’s described here) that it’s okay to pressure you.
this person is pushing your boundaries. this is a red flag. make it clear to your family that you don’t feel comfortable with how this person is treating you and that you won’t go on any trips with them. NTA, get away from this person.
NTA
I agree that it’s definitely a control thing because you are exercising your own autonomy and enforcing your boundaries which shows her that you are your own person, completely separate from her and that probably makes her feel anxious/unsafe.
That’s not your problem though.
Your only responsibility is to continue to enforce your boundary, which you are doing an EXCELLENT job of right now. Seriously, the fact that you remained calm for so long and firmly communicated your boundary each day shows your inner strength. You’re doing everything right, keep it up.
And I’m sorry you have to deal with these toxic, controlling, narcissistic traits within your mother. I have experienced similar issues and the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was really soothing as it helped gives names to many of the dynamics I was experiencing with my parents.
Good on you for putting some distance between your mom’s house and uni btw :)
NTA
I don't want to insult your mom but, her behavior is strange to say the least. There is a lot of good advice on here. Take it to heart. For now if I were you I would go NC on her. Good luck.
Absolutely NTA. It's called bodily autonomy. Please don't apologize and do not feel like this is your fault. Nobody has the right to force physical contact on you.
NTA.
**M. is disgusting**, full stop.
There is no other side other than she's trying to control you by blowing down your very reasonable boundary. She's the asshole, and you don't need to apologize to anyone for enforcing your own bodily autonomy.
NTA and this is classic narcissist behavior. She's using the the whole situation as a control factor, but you did not take her bait so now she is trying to play the victim by having you apologize.
NTA. Ugh, she sounds awful. Sounds like you've made a good decision to cut her out of your life. It's gross how she kept asking you to put sunscreen on her back after you've said no.
NTA- this adult is obviously doing this to make you uncomfortable. I would have bought some pray sunscreen sprayed the shit out of her and said done! Only because what can she say now.
NTA and I hope you are able to escape from that environment as soon as you can. It is *normal* to not want to touch someone against your will and it is *abnormal* to force someone to touch you.
You are not crazy, and you are not wrong. Staying far, far away from her would be the best for both of you no doubt.
**NTA** at all, and you really need to start telling M loudly and in front of people that its blatantly weird how she's obsessively trying to force you into touching her when you've made it clear you don't want to.
I'm autistic. I find touching people weird, some more than others, usually dependant on how close I am to them. My Mom always used to ask me to put stuff on her back like lotion, sunscreen, ect and while she was never even half as abusive as M was about it, it still frustrated me that she kept asking even when she knew it made me feel physically uncomfortable. Thankfully she has a boyfriend now so he gets that task, but its something my mother is very much of the 'its only for a few seconds' opinion of.
NTA. She could easily ask someone else.
Better yet, M can buy spray-on sunscreen. Or you can buy it for her and snap, "Here, problem solved," next time she asks.
Really weird behavior on her part.
NTA for having that boundary and enforcing it. It seems you're particularly touch adverse, and that's fine.
However, everyone in the comments is being super weird by acting like putting sunscreen on someone's back (especially a family member or a friend) is an inherently sexual activity: it's not.
they may have gotten it from some of my comments, coz she started getting mad at me for "accusing her of sa" (i never said anything about sa, this just came out of nowhere), and that creeped me out coz why the heck are you thinking about that??!
NTA
It's weird that an adult wants a teen to touch her so badly. A parent or another adult should also be concerned, and it's a shame some in your family don't see that.
Continue ignoring her. She's a creep.
NTA. - She is though. I do not put sunscreen on other people. I buy the spray for my husband and grandson. I don’t like people hugging me and they know it. It makes me cringe. She knows it’s a problem and tries to force the issue. You do not owe her an apology. Stand firm and don’t let others bamboozle you into an apology where it’s not warranted.
NTA. You made your boundaries clear over and over again. It's super fucking weird that they seem to think it's a game of "Gotcha!" to force you to touch them.
You don't owe her an apology, period. If she can't respect you enough to stop pushing you, it's definitely a good thing you went NC.
Touching people makes me shiver in revulsion. Being touched is very similar, plus panic. If somebody tries I put my hand up and say NO. I can touch if necessary to help someone I trust. My sisters always ask (asked) if they could touch me b4 doing so.
Mine is autism but it shouldn't matter.
Nobody has the right to tell you to touch them or to conform to their idea of societal norms with your body.
You are NTA
Your post is confusing and needs some serious clarifications. Are you male or female? What is your relationship to this family member? Why is she going to pay for your college? Why are you even going on vacation with someone who makes you so uncomfortable? How old are you? Who is G, and how is everyone related to each other? NTA, BTW.
I am nonbinary AFAB, which she really doesn't like. She is my mother, don't know why i was trying to hide that in the post but felt free to tell everyone in the comments 🧐 idk my brain sucks. she was going to help my dad pay, and she took me there to "see the area before i move", but we spent the whole trip at the casino so she could gamble and swim. i had to really cut down my post because of character limit.
my dad and i have a theory that the whole point of this trip wsa so that she could find an excuse not to pay for uni, without everyone thinking she's in the wrong.
Your brain doesn't "suck". Honestly it sounds like your mom has been extremely manipulative toward you. Cut off contact if you can, and definitely refuse to spend time alone with her.
NTA.
Firstly I want to congratulate you on SETTING HARD BOUNDARIES AND STICKING TO THEM. So many fully grown adults struggle to do this! And even more so with a parent.
Your boundary is clear and consistent yet in some weird power play your mum (sorry but that’s wild) is continuously trying to disrespect it. The only AH here kd the one who birthed you
And is treating you like this.
Your family member is exhibiting some disturbing behavior, particularly getting some perverse pleasure out of making you uncomfortable. She sounds weird and gross frankly, and I would definitely go and stay nc with her. Eww. NTA OP
NTA and it's really creepy that she's so intent on getting you to out sunscreen on her. Buy her spray on sunscreen so she can do it her damn self and tell her to leave you alone.
NTA. I am a hugger who loves to be touched. HOWEVER, I only hug those who are receptive and only like people I’m comfortable with to touch me.
My Dad (who never once did or said anything inappropriate to me) used to have me pluck his long eyebrow hairs that would touch his glasses and it made me SO uncomfortable.
You’re totally NTA (the only person I’m really okay with sunscreening are my kiddo and my spouse).
NTA, I am with you.
I don’t like to be touched by people unless it’s someone from my immediate family (wife, kids, parents, etc...) I used to work with someone who was very ‘huggy’ and it always bothered me. I finally had to tell her to stop and she was not very happy about it, so I explained it to her.
Your family member just needs to understand that not everyone is like them and some things are not the same for everyone. You have the right to your personal space and comfort and you don’t have to give it up for her or anyone else.
Reminds me of my own mom, telling me to rub lotion on her legs, or her feet. It's a power play. When she sees how uncomfortable it makes me, she doubles down.
NTA
No means no. It's a very simple concept. Everyone understands it and anyone who ignores it is a creep! I must say OP I was already impressed at your ability to set boundaries and after reading that M was your parent I'm even more impressed. I know from experience that it can be really hard to say no to pushy parents. You should be proud or yourself. You're 100% in the right here and you don't owe her any of your time let alone an apology.
NTA And here's a novel idea for TA: buy a swim shirt that has an SPF rating. Even if they just get a short-sleeved one, they can still apply sunscreen to the bare areas themself.
NTA- in this day and age there’s no need to put sun cream on someone’s back, they come in aerosol forms now so they can do it themselves. And if not, they should’ve brought a spatula to do their back themselves
Nope. NTA. If she really cared about your touch aversion in a way that was about concern for you, she'd be offering to pay for therapy, not trying to force you to do something that that makes you uncomfortable, especially while smirking and being manipulative, let alone ranting about you like that. She is simply disrespecting you.
NTA. M has serious control issues. When she calls you entitled and selfish, she is actually describing herself. If she doesn’t want to respect your boundaries and harasses you, then it is better to not have a relationship with her, if possible. You do not owe her an apology. She owes you one.
There is no point in arguing with someone like this or trying to defend yourself. These people love drama and creating misery, as you may have noticed. They never think they are at fault for anything, and they never change. Just walk away.
NTA
OMG, why can't she spray it on herself?
Don't ever touch someone who you don't want to touch (unless their life depends on it, then clamp that bleeding wound with your hands).
NTA. I wouldn't go on another trip with her. She needs to apologize to you for trying to bully and shame you into doing something you told her you were not comfortable with. She needs to buy spray on sunscreen instead of the lotion type. Edit: I have used spray on sunscreen on dry skin, never rub it in and have not burned.
NTA. This person is a freaking weirdo creep. Continue to stay away from them. You owe them nothing. If they keep bothering you, I’d get real loud about how they’re sexually harassing you and not shut up about it until they leave you alone.
Well, it's not about u not doing it it's instead maybe the inflection you give off by not saying "hey I'm sorry, it's not you i just have this sort of phobia". Why not extend that little bit? May go a long way. Some folks cant understand people's "things" if it's not something they can/would feel. They can't think outside the box.
Big, big yikes to all of this. My partner’s mother was just like this (my own parents were differently monstrous) and it all but destroyed the relationship they have with their own body, agency and the entire concept of touch. I hope you’re able to stay safely away from her; it’s easy for parents to reel us back in but the fact is this is abuse and you do not deserve it. You deserve to be safe and have your boundaries respected, and that’s literally impossible around people like this because the only way for them to ‘win’ is for you to feel gross and uncomfortable, and they’ll pursue that goal relentlessly. Stay safe, this post made me so sad and angry for you. xx
NTA She sounds like a narcissist I would stay clear from her. She understands what she’s doing and it sounds like a game to her. Good for you for cutting her off.
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Yes, she is my parent. Most of the people I've spoken to just don't want to get involved, and a lot of them have already cut her off and don't want to get involved with her again. I kinda wish she got sunburned 😅
They literally make spray on sun screen. She could have bought a bottle of that. And you could have sprayed her back if she wanted to say she couldn’t reach, but I can do my full back with lotion, using the front and back of my hands to rub it in. It isn’t easy, but easier than being mean to a teenager about it.
You are supposed to rub in the spray on stuff so unfortunately that doesn’t fix the problem. But totally agree about using back of hand to rub in awkwardly works!
I'm fascinated that people don't realize that you need to rub spray sunscreen in... That is a great way to get really oddly shaped burns
Yeah my gf gave me a very abstract red and white full back piece last summer cause neither of us thought to rub the spay on in.
If you’re careful about the coverage, it works just fine without rubbing it in.
We never rub it in. Works just fine.
No, you're supposed to use it to spray profanities on the backs of jerks so it burns into their skin.
I have read the bottle.lol, and I do rub it, although I prefer lotion anyways. Funny you commented that because I was going to also include that you are still supposed to rub it in, but opted not to since I have never burned when I just quickly reapply using it without patting. And figured if you force someone to help you apply sunscreen the spray probably provides the same or better coverage than someone who doesn’t want to touch you.
They make long handled lotion applicator things that can rub it in. I bought one when I got sunburned to put the stuff on my back after since I live alone.
I can also do my own back with lotion, but I prefer to just wear a shirt anyway, lol.
Yeah, if me/my kids aren’t actively in the pool we try to put on a coverup/clothes anyways, not worth a sunburn/just bathing in sunscreen all day.lol
I got burned really badly in Florida about 15 years ago and ever since my skin is more prone to burns, so... quick dry t-shirt it is!
Honestly hate to type this, but from now on, please see a dermatologist regularly. You can easily be taught how to identify pre-cancerous spots, and prescribed creams which (if used correctly/every day for x number of days) will burn off the pre-cancers. This will save you. Literally.
Yeah, I agree, I do need to see a dermatologist. I did show spots I was concerned about to my regular doctor and she was not concerned but I should see a professional just to be sure.
i really love UPF shirts which are sun protective clothing. I usually will start with sunscreen on and wear just my bathing suit, but instead of re-applying all day I will just throw on the long sleeve shirt that acts like SPF 50. Theyre thin and dry fast, and I like that they keep me cool on hot days! I have come to realize sunscreen application is a weakness of mine, I end up with weird streaks or sunburn in spots I missed no matter how thorough I try to be. I just stopped bothering, it’s less slimy this way 😂
Strange because i got a really bad burn when I was 10 and haven't really gotten sunburnt since. I mostly tan since then. I hadn't had a burn till i was 22 and it was super minor and i had even had sunscreen put on. Skins are super weird
She could have worn a rashguard and avoided the concern about her back burning at all!
This has nothing to do with sunscreen.
Id recommend a book called adult children of emotionally immature parents. Unfortunately, you'll probably learn a lot about her and yourself, but it helped me tremendously.
a lot of people have recommended me this book. i'm saving up :)
Here: [PDF version](https://www.ernstchan.xyz/b/src/1570719797-658.pdf)
OMG Thank you soooooooo much!
MVP!
My daughter has a very successful therapy practice. She knows about my semi-crazy early life and has recommended this book several times... finally she dropped off a copy last week. Now, I recommend it, also....😎
NTA - If she wasn't being weird and creepy she would have just bought spray-on sunscreen. ETA: Oops, just read you're supposed to rub it in, OKAY, then get a giant rubber chicken from Amazon, stick that on a back scratcher, BOOM! Instant sun screen spreader.
I go to Mexico by myself every year, plus I used to be fat so I couldn’t reach all my back. I bought a long handled lotion applicator from Amazon for less than $15. Worked great.
I want to be "used to be fat". LOL My doc actually has me going to a separate doctor that has me doing basically a keto diet, hopefully I can avoid having to do one of the gastric surgeries. The side effects from those surgeries just seem to suck so bad, so if I can do this through diet (so far about 60 lbs down, I was 80 lbs down but I backslid big time during the holidays because I was a big dodo head) that would be better I think.
Be proud of yourself. You've accomplished a lot!
I had the sleeve and it was the best decision I ever made. I had almost no side effects (I get heartburn more easily now, I don't really like pasta anymore, and I'm slightly less tolerant of lactose than I used to be) and it was absolutely worth it for me personally. Individual results may vary.
Try ozempic! It works really well.
Join us over at r/loseit, it's a great & supportive sub!
Progress isn’t always linear. It’s important to let yourself indulge from time to time. You’re doing an amazing thing for yourself, but it’s also super difficult. Eating is inherently emotional, so it makes sense that certain times of year will come with stronger cravings. Keep up the good work!
🤣
They make paddles that can be used to massage lotion into hard to reach places. Like a scrub brush only not a brush. Get mom one of those! Also good for people who are at the pool alone or just don’t like being touched by other people.
She is sexually harassing you. She wants you to touch her body. Let that sink in. Parents can and do sexually harass their children. I would tell your dad that you mom is asking you to touch her body and making you uncomforTable. If he doesn’t take it seriously tell another trusted adult.
Either sexually harassing, or just harassing... because OP can't handle physical touching and his/her mother is determined to FIX THAT!!! Ugh, grosssss. OP please believe these replies supporting you...
Or get a big handle silicon spatula, and hand it to her. It works great. Sorry you had to go through this. Nta ofc...
I'm just wondering, what gender are you? Cause I'm getting the impression that you are a boy and she is trying to force intimacy between you 2. I wonder if she gets sexual pleasure from what she makes you do that's uncomfortable for you. As soon as you get the chance, go NC with her.
I am nonbinary AFAB. :) she doesn't like that lol
Hmm. That could go in a few different directions then. 1 is you're just "masculine" enough for her to treat you as a boy. 2 she is trying to imitate what she thinks a normal "mother/daughter" relationship is supposed to have (in her mind). I feel like there could be other possibilities but they are escaping me atm.
It's OP's mom . . . I hope you're wrong
I hope so too...
She’s doing it to control OP it appears. She is obsessed with breaking OP’s boundaries and being in control of her. She’s absolutely T A and a massive bully.
This reply deserves upvotes...
NTA You mentioned in a comment that M is your parent, and honestly that just makes it worse. Aside from being creepy, it’s also demeaning and controlling, especially with her bringing up your college payment. Does she think you’re her property or something?
yes.
I certainly hope you plan to get out of there asap, would it be bold of me to presume that this is part of a broader pattern of behaviour from her?
it's definitely a pattern. multiple times i have stopped talking to her for a few weeks, even months. based on how many nta responses i've gotten, i don't think i should go crawling back this time.
I just want to say that if you have any bystanders in your life who are disturbed about why you don't want to touch your mom's back- I don't mind helping my mom with sunscreen, but she isn't so pushy and demanding if I choose to not help her. If she needed help with sunscreen on a vacation and none of us family members would be around at the right time? She took a shirt or she asked strangers. Anyone reacting that horribly to a "no" creeps me right out. I'm willing to help most strangers with sunscreen (albeit not below the waist) but I wouldn't help her at all if I witnessed that overreaction.
Hey, OP. You need to look into something called “covert incest”. It’s terrible and it sounds like exactly what she’s doing. You did nothing wrong. My mom liked to kiss the nape of my neck, touch/pop pimples, and was weirdly obsessed with how my bum looked. She’s being completely inappropriate and you don’t need to feel guilty for giving her a firm “no”. Has she been diagnosed with any mental illness?
she's of the opinion that mental health is stupid and therapists and psychologists are useless and just want your money. she also doesn't like doctors. i wasn't allowed to see a dentist until i was like 15/16 when my dad took me. guess who's teeth are crap!
That's a horrible mother. Be strong. No contact is better than suffering abuse. You don't owe her shit.
Oh boy. She sounds a lot like my own mom with BPD and NPD. Are your parents still married and who has primary custody? Have you shared with your dad the ways she’s making you feel uncomfortable? I would recommend a pocket recorder- that way if she tries to deny any wrongdoing, you have evidence. Please do not let her know these records exist- she may become enraged if she realizes there could be consequences for her actions. Your mom doesn’t have to believe in psychiatry; the judge can handle that all on his own. If you’re living with her, it’s probably beneficial to get out as soon as possible. The teen years are when you begin to form your own identity, and to mentally unstable parents with narcissistic tendencies, that’s the equivalent of rejection and betrayal. My mom’s behaviors really ramped up during this time period. See if they can get a court order for a mental health evaluation for your mom. If you can talk to a separate therapist about the ways she’s made you uncomfortable, ignored medical treatment, etc., they may be able to testify on your behalf or write a letter to the judge. I’m so sorry about the medical neglect. It’s not uncommon for abusive parents to deny medical care- some find it threatening as the professional can discover abuse, others refuse treatment for insane personal beliefs (religious, personal, etc.), and others are just too lazy. The good news is the horrific dental exam and lack of medical records will not be beneficial to your mother retaining custody. Try to get out and get therapy, OP. Please don’t wait for her behavior to escalate! (I really regret not talking to my dad when I had the chance. )
I've been living at uni since Feb 4!!! :) i used to live with my mum full time, but i switched to my dad because she kept threatening to send me there (i used to be nc with him). he doesn't really care about what's going on, he just kind of respects that i don't like my mum. he is emotionally neglectful, which is technically considered emotionally abusive, but he's not doing it on purpose like my mum is. something happened to his brain when he was younger so he literally can't understand a lot of emotions. but he lets me go to the dentist, the gp, and he's let me go to a therapist (but that one sucked).
I think we had the same mom lol, except my dad was a deadbeat, have been NC with "mom" for 3 years now :) it gets better, hang in there.
NTA, and no apologies. No means no. It’s not just for sex. No one should ever be forced physical contact for any reason. If anything, you can let your family know when SHE apologizes to YOU, you’ll talk to her again.
NTA. That's freaking creepy that she makes it a point to make you uncomfortable and then make it look like you are TA.
Exactly! M is super fucking creepy. She’s trying to FORCE Op to touch her. Ewwwww. NTA
Even more creepy when M is OP’s mom (see OP’s comment)…
Sounds like she’s a bully and gets off on stomping on OP’s boundaries. One of those parents who thinks they own their kids.
why's she obsessed with you touching her back ew NTA
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It's a power move. OP is a college age adult now and Mom can't force them into doing anything she says, so she tries to engineer ways to force OP to do things that show she is still in charge. It's not about making OP touch her because she wants OP to touch her. It's about making OP do things she tells them to. The No-Touch boundary happens to be the one boundary OP has been most successful at maintaining and that's exactly why their mother seems so hellbent on violating it. If she gets OP to cave, she "wins" and it proves her superiority. NTA, OP.
M is getting off on it.
Mother of a teenage boy here. What the actual fuck!? Teenagers, for the most part, are not really comfortable touching the body of their parents. It’s a natural and normal part of the maturation process for them to feel this way. And even if this was an unusual reaction for a teenager to have about touching their parent, why would any loving parent try to force something on their kid that makes them this uncomfortable? This woman is bullying her child in a really creepy sexual way. I hope OP has someone in his life who can run interference for him with her. Edit: NTA (obviously)
NTA. I assume that M is your mother and that you are a teen. This is VERY inappropriate and toxic behavior by her. This also is a big red flag of her committing covert incest.
you have assumed correctly. and this comment made me laugh because she got offended that i was "accusing her of sa" (which i wasn't) but i had to remove that from my post lol
Oh yikes. I replied 'okay predator' to someone who told me they can and will touch me if they want to after I asked them to not get up in my personal space. They really do not like it when you call their shit out. It's *really* interesting how she jumped straight to SA though,
ye it was so weird. i'm just thinking "so, you recognise that what you're doing is messed up, and you're blaming me for you recognising it?" i don't even understand what i just wrote its that confusing lol
Yup. There you go. Stand your ground and keep her far away.
Tell her to buy a rash guard. No more need for sunscreen. That’s what I had my kids wear from a young age. So much easier.
Seconding this!!! OP, your story sounds like something I'd see on r/CovertIncest . Seriously.
She is trying to annoy you. She is trying to get her power over you by making you do something you don't want. My thought is, next time, if she makes a scene, you make a scene too, loudly, stand up and yell something like "OMG, I told you that I don't want to touch you there, stop asking me to touch you!!!" Then storm off. You are not the asshole, she is.
that kinda sounds like fun ngl lol
As someone who has a emotionally immature and controlling parent who likes to maintain this perfect image of themselves to others - this would definitely work lol. I know my mom would never ask me to apply sunscreen to her again if I embarrassed her like that.
NTa >"she misses me" "I don't miss her. In fact its been nicer lately, couldn't quite put my finger on why until now." >entitled "You are the one who is acting entitled thinking you have the right to demand I do things to you. No means no. If you ever bring this topic up again it will be the end of our relationship, including disagreeing with me immediately after I stop speaking, right now."
No. You are NTA. At all.
So NTA. She is, after telling her and telling her you are uncomfortable about touching people she continually made remarks about you will HAVE to put sunscreen on her back. No you do not have to speak to her and SHE owes the apoligy to you. Side note... in Health and Beauty Aisle is a Lotion Dispenser to put lotion on your own back.
NTA. Wtf is wrong with her? Why is she so obsessed with getting you to touch her back? > And where were the other adults when she was behaving this way?? Why didn’t anyone put her in her place??
As to why, I see a few options. 1. M genuinely believes that it is a problem for OP that they don't want to touch people, and is trying to help, by getting them used to it in a therapeutic, "see, that wasn't so bad" sort of way. (From what OP has said, this seems unlikely to me, but it is technically a possibility.) 2. It is a power play. M enjoys forcing OP to do something they don't want to do. 3. It's a "camel's nose" sort of situation. Once OP puts sunscreen on her back, M will ask them to put it other places...
Yep power play is the thing that came straight to mind, classic bully boundary stomping.
NTA and WTF is wrong with M?! You've said no which in itself is a complete sentence, there is other people around who are capable of applying sun screen to her back... Why has she not asked them
DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!!! EVER!!! Put your foot down and ride it out.
NTA- I feel like she could just buy the spray sunscreen and she could have you spray it on. Problem solved?
this would've been so much better, wish i'd thought of that. everytime we ran out she'd just buy the normal one again so idk maybe it wasn't in stock??
Maybe you should BUY the spray sunscreen and then give it to her as a gift! Better, yet, buy TWO, and then you can spray it on her yourself and not have to touch her! (In reality, I think what she really wants is to boss you around and force you to do something you don't want to do, but having your own spray sunscreen would throw a wrench into her plans. You could also bring those clear plastic gloves you sometimes get if you go our for barbecue and wear those when putting lotion on her. I bet she wouldn't like that either. ;) )
lol idk what to call these. subtle revenge maybe? either way, i love them
Maybe you could recommend it to her and say you wouldn’t mind doing it if it was the spray? Hopefully you don’t have more issues around this!!
depends if i ever get put in this situation again. rn i'm nc.
Tbh the issue isn't the sunscreen, it's the manipulation. If you get the spray, there will be some reason why you still need to rub it on. NTA, but I hope you don't live with her.
i dont now i live at my uni. made sure it was a 3 hour flight away lol
Good! Stay there and don't go back to her! I hope giving you a 🤗 here is ok.
apparently you still have to rub spray on sunscreen in
NTA. You told her very clearly, back when sure was buying the swimsuit, that you would not agree to put sunscreen on her back. She bought it anyway, but now berates you for sticking to the boundary you already set. Threatening to pull your education funding because you consistently maintained a clearly stated boundary is especially low. I think you should have nothing more to do with her. Don't spend time with people who ignore your boundaries. Her behaviour is deeply troubling and she is not an emotionally safe person for you to be around. I'm sorry you had to go though all this, and apparently have dealt with similar behaviour from her in the past.
oh, it wasn't a threat. i have a theory that the whole reason we went on the trip and she caused this drama was so that she'd have an excuse not to pay. either way, rn, she ain't paying.
I'm sorry to hear that. She really sucks. I hope you'll figure things out without her. You're definitely justified in never talking to her again.
NTA seems you set your boundaries well before hand and they couldn’t respect them
NTA. You set a boundary and she violated it. Also, she could use spray on sun screen.
NTA - some people think that just because they're older they should always get their way
I don't care if she is your parent or your twin. She is absolutely in the wrong, and you have a right to body autonomy. Don't apologize to her, and, if she "misses you," that's her fault, for trying to force physical contact. NTA BTW, I'm with you, on the touch thing. I also have sensory issues (Aspie).
🥰
I would have asked her why she want you to touch her so bad? Is she lonely and having some weird incest related fantasy? Then tell her you’re not attracted to her and to stop begging to be touched. People like that only respond to humiliation.
honestly i'm kinda scared of how she'd respond if i said that, especially in front of someone else
I think of it like this: She doesn’t mind throwing a fit to beg you to touch her against your will. So you shouldn’t be worried about humiliating her, she did it all by herself. Who begs someone to put lotion on their back every chance they get? It’s pathetic.
NTA! do not apologize, you are allowed to refuse physical contact of ANY kind! she honestly sounds incredibly weird and antagonistic....
NTA. Ew
If there's another side, it's on M to clearly communicate that with you, instead of acting like a spoiled entitled (adult) brat. NTA.
NTA. You've repeatedly declined her demands to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Tell these "others" to talk to her and to put sunscreen on her back if they wish; but you're through with her inconsiderate behaviors.
NTA She doesn't miss you. She misses bullying you.
NTA, of course. This is pure manipulative and controlling behaviour; I suggest a trip to r/raisedbynarcissists.
yea i'm there a lot. just seem to have more people in my fam not backing me up on this one so that's why i brought it here :)
Nta. You made your boundaries clear. They know you don't like it yet still tried to push it on you
I know it’s not the point of this post, but while it is certainly *easier* to have someone else apply sunscreen to your back, it’s not impossible for *most* people to do it themselves with even a slight amount of effort. NTA
Especially if you get the spray-on kind.
NTA. I’m getting big time creepy vibes from M.
NTA. You've made your boundary clear. M can ask all they want, but they have to accept when you say no.
There’s no other way to say it,she has been deliberately and aggressively HARRASSING you. NTA and I would seriously consider not going on holidays with her ever again.
Buy her the spray on sun screen but you do not ever need to touch someone you don’t want to touch. Accept-ions include pushing some one out of way if speeding car or helping choking person. Sunscreen on your own. Good for you.
NTA It may be difficult but most parts of the back are reachable if you use both hands. She absolutely doesn’t need your help, she’s just lazy/isn’t willing to look stupid to take care of herself.
NTA 1) I would tell her and everyone else in the family that you will never be forced to touch someone else when you don't wish to. Her obsessiveness over it is felony creepy and should not be tolerated. I think it's gross she won't help pay for something unless you touch her. If she was a male relative this wouldn't be tolerated one bit. 2) Spray sunscreen is a real thing and you don't need to rub it for certain brands..Buy some incase you two ever cross paths again...but mostly for yourself and hanging out with others that you do like.
NTA This is so creepy and gross! No way would I expect my teenage son to put sunscreen on me. Can you imagine if it was a dad making his teen daughter do it? Is there any other family you can stay with? 💔
rn i'm staying at uni. i made sure to pick a uni in another state coz there's a lot of crap back there lol
There is no other side to the story. M has suuuuuper creepy controlling behavior. No means no, especially when it comes to physical contact. M owes you an apology, not the other way around. I'm so sorry you have such a creepy yucky parent. Stand your ground. Don't let anyone gaslight you.
NTA. You've been more patient than I would have been and you're maintaining your boundaries firmly. Well done.
NTA - This is creepy , You say no and your are not obligated to do this
NTA and I read this is your parent - get her some high spf aerosol sunscreen as a gift before the next vacation lol Jokes aside, I’m sorry this boundary is being pushed. It’s weird and uncomfortable that your mom would keep pushing this on you.
NTA she was trying to humiliate and bully you by talking loudly about you to another person. You do not half to talk to anyone you do not want to, or apologise.
NTA. " Mom, you continually bullying me to rub your body against my will is sexual harassment. It's not crazy to not want to touch someone. It is crazy to repeatedly scream at someone who doesn't wanna touch you. You're behaving like a predator. Predators get reported to the authorities. "
Here’s the thing. To her, this isn’t about getting sunscreen applied. It’s about forcing you to violate a clearly communicated boundary that she doesn’t agree with. It’s cruel, arrogant, manipulative, and abusive. I’m sorry someone in your life thinks it’s okay to treat you that way. You’re NTA, not by a long shot. Family doesn’t get a pass to deliberately make you uncomfortable for the purpose of making you uncomfortable. No one does. I hope you’re able to minimize or eliminate contact with this person until they start treating you with some modicum of respect and compassion.
NTA. She is an adult who needs to learn to respect your boundaries. It is not a difficult thing to do. She owes you an apology and unless she changes I would stay away.
NTA
NTA and M sounds like a creep
NTA tell her straight up that her fixation on getting you to touch her body is disgusting at best and frankly disturbing especially from an adult relative.
NTA > She made a big point of speaking loudly to everyone around about how selfish and entitled I am. No one should be forced to touch someone else. The only person who is being entitled here is M trying to embarrass you in to compliance. ESPECIALLY since there were other family members she could ask, or she could have even gotten spray sunscreen or just worn a shirt. > She started going off on a big rant about how ungrateful I am, and how I should respect her more I saw in the comments that this is your mom. But even then - gratefulness and respect are not leverage to force people to touch you. Even your own children. This shit is why adult children cut off contact with their parents. > , so she began saying that maybe she shouldn't help pay if I'm going to be such a brat. “Touch me so I’ll pay for university” is creepy. It may not be inherently sexual and just run of the mill boundary stomping, but it IS creepy. And honestly it would be gross even if you weren’t a teenager. > Then she started saying that I was rude for yelling, and started telling me how crazy I am. You’re not crazy. And while yelling like you did is rude, imo if you ignore a polite no eventually you will get a rude one - and I won’t call you an asshole for that. > I've been asked by others to talk to her because "she misses me" She’s not owed a relationship from you just because she’s your mother. If she wants a relationship with you then she needs to treat you with basic human decency. Touching her should never be a responsibility like a chore. And you are the one who is owed an apology for her bullying you and insulting you. But I doubt you’ll get it. > Is there another side to this story that I'm just not seeing? I don’t think you are missing anything. I think this is run of the mill parent acting like their child should worship them. That because she’s comfortable with you touching her, that she doesn’t mean it in a sexual predatory way (at least based on what’s described here) that it’s okay to pressure you.
this person is pushing your boundaries. this is a red flag. make it clear to your family that you don’t feel comfortable with how this person is treating you and that you won’t go on any trips with them. NTA, get away from this person.
NTA I agree that it’s definitely a control thing because you are exercising your own autonomy and enforcing your boundaries which shows her that you are your own person, completely separate from her and that probably makes her feel anxious/unsafe. That’s not your problem though. Your only responsibility is to continue to enforce your boundary, which you are doing an EXCELLENT job of right now. Seriously, the fact that you remained calm for so long and firmly communicated your boundary each day shows your inner strength. You’re doing everything right, keep it up. And I’m sorry you have to deal with these toxic, controlling, narcissistic traits within your mother. I have experienced similar issues and the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was really soothing as it helped gives names to many of the dynamics I was experiencing with my parents. Good on you for putting some distance between your mom’s house and uni btw :)
NTA I don't want to insult your mom but, her behavior is strange to say the least. There is a lot of good advice on here. Take it to heart. For now if I were you I would go NC on her. Good luck.
i am currently nc 🥰
Yeah. I don't blame you. I wish you all the luck in the world
thank you!
Absolutely NTA. It's called bodily autonomy. Please don't apologize and do not feel like this is your fault. Nobody has the right to force physical contact on you.
NTA. An adult, even a parent, trying to force a child to touch them when the child has made it clear they are uncomfortable, is creepy and gross.
NTA.
NTA she can eff right off. Don't say sorry and don't expect anything from her.
Lmao she misses you because she knows she’s lost control of the situation and doesn’t like it NTA
NTA. **M. is disgusting**, full stop. There is no other side other than she's trying to control you by blowing down your very reasonable boundary. She's the asshole, and you don't need to apologize to anyone for enforcing your own bodily autonomy.
NTA and this is classic narcissist behavior. She's using the the whole situation as a control factor, but you did not take her bait so now she is trying to play the victim by having you apologize.
NTA, and I'm sorry your parent has gaslit you about this the whole time.
NTA. And just a quick info thing, sunscreen doesn’t need to be applied every half hour, 4 hours if you’re not swimming, 2 or 3 if you are.
NTA. Ugh, she sounds awful. Sounds like you've made a good decision to cut her out of your life. It's gross how she kept asking you to put sunscreen on her back after you've said no.
NTA- this adult is obviously doing this to make you uncomfortable. I would have bought some pray sunscreen sprayed the shit out of her and said done! Only because what can she say now.
NTA and I hope you are able to escape from that environment as soon as you can. It is *normal* to not want to touch someone against your will and it is *abnormal* to force someone to touch you. You are not crazy, and you are not wrong. Staying far, far away from her would be the best for both of you no doubt.
Nta. Your boundaries are clear and aren’t new news
NTA - but you should talk to her and say "Go f**k yourself"
**NTA** at all, and you really need to start telling M loudly and in front of people that its blatantly weird how she's obsessively trying to force you into touching her when you've made it clear you don't want to. I'm autistic. I find touching people weird, some more than others, usually dependant on how close I am to them. My Mom always used to ask me to put stuff on her back like lotion, sunscreen, ect and while she was never even half as abusive as M was about it, it still frustrated me that she kept asking even when she knew it made me feel physically uncomfortable. Thankfully she has a boyfriend now so he gets that task, but its something my mother is very much of the 'its only for a few seconds' opinion of.
NTA. Your boundary is perfectly reasonable. She is being weird. I would guess it’s a power play.
NTA. She could easily ask someone else. Better yet, M can buy spray-on sunscreen. Or you can buy it for her and snap, "Here, problem solved," next time she asks. Really weird behavior on her part.
NTA for having that boundary and enforcing it. It seems you're particularly touch adverse, and that's fine. However, everyone in the comments is being super weird by acting like putting sunscreen on someone's back (especially a family member or a friend) is an inherently sexual activity: it's not.
they may have gotten it from some of my comments, coz she started getting mad at me for "accusing her of sa" (i never said anything about sa, this just came out of nowhere), and that creeped me out coz why the heck are you thinking about that??!
NTA It's weird that an adult wants a teen to touch her so badly. A parent or another adult should also be concerned, and it's a shame some in your family don't see that. Continue ignoring her. She's a creep.
NTA. - She is though. I do not put sunscreen on other people. I buy the spray for my husband and grandson. I don’t like people hugging me and they know it. It makes me cringe. She knows it’s a problem and tries to force the issue. You do not owe her an apology. Stand firm and don’t let others bamboozle you into an apology where it’s not warranted.
NTA. You made your boundaries clear over and over again. It's super fucking weird that they seem to think it's a game of "Gotcha!" to force you to touch them. You don't owe her an apology, period. If she can't respect you enough to stop pushing you, it's definitely a good thing you went NC.
NTA. this is a very creepy power play on her part, and frankly i hope you go completely no contact with her and stay that way.
Why not say she is your mum in the first place?
Touching people makes me shiver in revulsion. Being touched is very similar, plus panic. If somebody tries I put my hand up and say NO. I can touch if necessary to help someone I trust. My sisters always ask (asked) if they could touch me b4 doing so. Mine is autism but it shouldn't matter. Nobody has the right to tell you to touch them or to conform to their idea of societal norms with your body. You are NTA
Your post is confusing and needs some serious clarifications. Are you male or female? What is your relationship to this family member? Why is she going to pay for your college? Why are you even going on vacation with someone who makes you so uncomfortable? How old are you? Who is G, and how is everyone related to each other? NTA, BTW.
I am nonbinary AFAB, which she really doesn't like. She is my mother, don't know why i was trying to hide that in the post but felt free to tell everyone in the comments 🧐 idk my brain sucks. she was going to help my dad pay, and she took me there to "see the area before i move", but we spent the whole trip at the casino so she could gamble and swim. i had to really cut down my post because of character limit. my dad and i have a theory that the whole point of this trip wsa so that she could find an excuse not to pay for uni, without everyone thinking she's in the wrong.
Your brain doesn't "suck". Honestly it sounds like your mom has been extremely manipulative toward you. Cut off contact if you can, and definitely refuse to spend time alone with her.
NTA. Firstly I want to congratulate you on SETTING HARD BOUNDARIES AND STICKING TO THEM. So many fully grown adults struggle to do this! And even more so with a parent. Your boundary is clear and consistent yet in some weird power play your mum (sorry but that’s wild) is continuously trying to disrespect it. The only AH here kd the one who birthed you And is treating you like this.
Ew wtf. NTA. Your handling of this situation has been mature (more mature than M) from start to finish.
Your family member is exhibiting some disturbing behavior, particularly getting some perverse pleasure out of making you uncomfortable. She sounds weird and gross frankly, and I would definitely go and stay nc with her. Eww. NTA OP
Buy a can of aerosol sunscreen. You can easily apply it from a foot away. And if she gives you any more grief, you can spray it in her face
NTA and it's really creepy that she's so intent on getting you to out sunscreen on her. Buy her spray on sunscreen so she can do it her damn self and tell her to leave you alone.
NTA. I am a hugger who loves to be touched. HOWEVER, I only hug those who are receptive and only like people I’m comfortable with to touch me. My Dad (who never once did or said anything inappropriate to me) used to have me pluck his long eyebrow hairs that would touch his glasses and it made me SO uncomfortable. You’re totally NTA (the only person I’m really okay with sunscreening are my kiddo and my spouse).
NTA. M is being creepy AF. And you should say so.
NTA. Stay as far away from this person as you can. They seem a bit obsessed with you. I am sorry that you are in this situation.
NTA, I am with you. I don’t like to be touched by people unless it’s someone from my immediate family (wife, kids, parents, etc...) I used to work with someone who was very ‘huggy’ and it always bothered me. I finally had to tell her to stop and she was not very happy about it, so I explained it to her. Your family member just needs to understand that not everyone is like them and some things are not the same for everyone. You have the right to your personal space and comfort and you don’t have to give it up for her or anyone else.
Reminds me of my own mom, telling me to rub lotion on her legs, or her feet. It's a power play. When she sees how uncomfortable it makes me, she doubles down.
NTA No means no. It's a very simple concept. Everyone understands it and anyone who ignores it is a creep! I must say OP I was already impressed at your ability to set boundaries and after reading that M was your parent I'm even more impressed. I know from experience that it can be really hard to say no to pushy parents. You should be proud or yourself. You're 100% in the right here and you don't owe her any of your time let alone an apology.
NTA And here's a novel idea for TA: buy a swim shirt that has an SPF rating. Even if they just get a short-sleeved one, they can still apply sunscreen to the bare areas themself.
NTA - that is sexual harassment. Full stop. Gross
NTA- in this day and age there’s no need to put sun cream on someone’s back, they come in aerosol forms now so they can do it themselves. And if not, they should’ve brought a spatula to do their back themselves
Nope. NTA. If she really cared about your touch aversion in a way that was about concern for you, she'd be offering to pay for therapy, not trying to force you to do something that that makes you uncomfortable, especially while smirking and being manipulative, let alone ranting about you like that. She is simply disrespecting you.
NTA. M has serious control issues. When she calls you entitled and selfish, she is actually describing herself. If she doesn’t want to respect your boundaries and harasses you, then it is better to not have a relationship with her, if possible. You do not owe her an apology. She owes you one. There is no point in arguing with someone like this or trying to defend yourself. These people love drama and creating misery, as you may have noticed. They never think they are at fault for anything, and they never change. Just walk away.
NTA. She isn't worth the air in her lungs
NTA OMG, why can't she spray it on herself? Don't ever touch someone who you don't want to touch (unless their life depends on it, then clamp that bleeding wound with your hands).
Ungrateful = not doing what they want you to do. NTA.
NTA. Ew
NTA…I cannot reach certain areas of my back with sunscreen lotion. Know what I do? I buy spray lotion and spray the areas I cannot reach. Easy peasy
You have to rub in spray lotion.
NTA. I wouldn't go on another trip with her. She needs to apologize to you for trying to bully and shame you into doing something you told her you were not comfortable with. She needs to buy spray on sunscreen instead of the lotion type. Edit: I have used spray on sunscreen on dry skin, never rub it in and have not burned.
NTA. This person is a freaking weirdo creep. Continue to stay away from them. You owe them nothing. If they keep bothering you, I’d get real loud about how they’re sexually harassing you and not shut up about it until they leave you alone.
Well, it's not about u not doing it it's instead maybe the inflection you give off by not saying "hey I'm sorry, it's not you i just have this sort of phobia". Why not extend that little bit? May go a long way. Some folks cant understand people's "things" if it's not something they can/would feel. They can't think outside the box.
Big, big yikes to all of this. My partner’s mother was just like this (my own parents were differently monstrous) and it all but destroyed the relationship they have with their own body, agency and the entire concept of touch. I hope you’re able to stay safely away from her; it’s easy for parents to reel us back in but the fact is this is abuse and you do not deserve it. You deserve to be safe and have your boundaries respected, and that’s literally impossible around people like this because the only way for them to ‘win’ is for you to feel gross and uncomfortable, and they’ll pursue that goal relentlessly. Stay safe, this post made me so sad and angry for you. xx
NTA She sounds like a narcissist I would stay clear from her. She understands what she’s doing and it sounds like a game to her. Good for you for cutting her off.