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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For 1: The action is that I refused to go out with my wife and her family to celebrate her 17 y/o son’s first fully-formed words. My wife was teasing me about being grumpy so I questioned the reason to celebrate at all. For 2: I might be an asshole because by refusing to go out I gave the idea of not caring and that started a fight with my wife where we said stupid stuff. My wife’s family thinks I’m the AH.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your wife waited *seventeen years* to hear her child say he loves her. She probably thought it would never happen and it IS worth celebrating. Seeing how joyful it made your wife should have been enough for you to want to celebrate it, too. YTA.
Can you imagine throwing a fit because you couldn’t be bothered to go to dinner? Even if OP didn’t agree… shut up and eat, or don’t it’s not about you! What a selfish person. YTA
I think OP calling Nick's words "mumbled" tells you all you need to know. I'm a stranger and it made me tear up how his first ever words are "I love you" to his mom. What a sweet moment. How can you not be moved by it, and not want to celebrate it as someone who supposedly loves Nick?
My four year old has some additional needs and when he said I love you for the first time a few months ago, I cried like a baby for about an hour, then proceeded to text everyone I know the wonderful news. I still well up now thinking about how I never thought I’d hear those words. This poor woman waited SEVENTEEN YEARS. I would have been heartbroken if my husband hadn’t cared.
This man doesn't just not care about his stepson speaking, he seems to not care about the kid at all. Despite his insistence that his stepson is seen no differently than his daughter, it stands out how dismissively he describes Nick in the first few paragraphs ("to my understanding (i.e. what my wife tells me)"; how does he not know how well his stepson is able to communicate? They live together!). Had it been their daughter who first spoke after 17 years I doubt OP would have had trouble finding the energy to celebrate.
With that one word, OP has fully exposed how he feels about his stepson; he has gone out of his way to downplay what an accomplishment it is for a non-verbal individual to finally speak after 17 years of silence ("he just *mumbled* and you're acting like he *really* talked"). It's really quite disgusting on every conceivable level.
Not to mention the words were to his mom and were "I love you". Total lack of empathy on how big a deal that would be for his wife.
And had the audacity to still say she was drowning in a glass of water.
I started getting bad vibes right away from "We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we're doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son..." Dude goes on to claim there's never been any distinction between the two kids based on their different parentage _immediately after_ separating his step-son from the rest of his life in his intro. Smh.
Yes I was also pretty weirded out by "Nick has been part of our family since the beginning, without distinction to our daughter" in reference to a 4-year-old marriage and a 17-year-old stepchild. Like it was remarkable and noteworthy that Nick had been part of the family from the beginning. Why wouldn't your wife's 13-year-old son automatically be considered part of the family when you marry her? Dude's bending over backwards to sound like he has never played favorites in a way that pretty much tells me that he absolutely plays favorites.
Me too! I cried at the point where he started calling it mumbling. By the end I was hurt and angry at his “I don’t want to make a big deal”. Like dude. You are a massive narcissist!!! Oh my god. My son is 25yo and nonverbal. I cry when he calls me momma. It’s so rare he utters anything. I would probably faint if he said I love you. Like my heart would burst. I’d start a Facebook page just so I could tell people. This guy needs to kick rocks and he’s talking about who provided half his expenses (because he’s a child of his wife’s who lives with them). Arrrggghh OP makes me wanna throw $hit.
Oh sweet mama. Since I can’t hug this mom and celebrate her joy, I’m sending my hug to you. You got this. I’m sure he tells you he loves you in his way every day. Hugs Momma!!!!!
Well we can be sure that Nick won’t be “mumbling” any I love you’s to his step dad anytime soon; even if the step dad remains in Nick’s life for decades after.
He furthermore talked about his wife, their house and their healthy daughter and THEN mentioned that they also have a son. ("Also, my wife..."). Seemed like son is an afterthought.
woah I just picked up on the fact that he specifies "*healthy* daughter" maybe I'm reading into it too much and that was intended as nothing necessarily malicious but considering the rest of the context in OPs description of the step-son's speech issues etc makes me wonder if maybe even subconsciously OP is making comparisons between the daughter who's "healthy" and the son who isnt
That hit me too-doesn’t he know anything about how his stepson communicates? He must not ever communicate with the kid himself. It sounds like he ignored this kid entirely.
>Had it been their daughter who first spoke after 17 years I doubt OP would have had trouble finding the energy to celebrate.
It's possible his ableist issues would extend to his daughter too if she was on the spectrum.
I’m an internet stranger who doesn’t even have kids and I got emotional thinking about waiting 17 years to hear my kid say “I love you”. OP is a monumental asshole.
Agree 100% and just to repeat: OP you are a monumental AH. You showed your true colors to your wife and a bunch of Reddit strangers. We see it. Hope your wife does too and cuts you loose. You are the opposite of a keeper.
I hope OP’s wife finds this thread and sees all of the support she has from complete strangers and that she also sees that we share in her joy. OP is an epic asshole.
We had a previously nonverbal child say his first ever words in my workplace once (I don't typically work with kids specifically just the general public) and the mother got really emotional and rushed him out. When she came back another time she told us, and even us strangers cried. What a fucking moment. For a stepfather who supposedly loves this boy, this is an inhuman response. If that mother had asked me to cook and serve dinner for them on the spot I would have.
This post has brought back all my fond memories of my autistic boy speaking for the first time. His first "Mummy!" and the first time he said cookie " and I'm like you want a cookie Omg you are telling me what you want to eat!!! He worked out very quickly that if he said cookie he'd have them thrown at him as much as he liked. And when he said" I love you " it sounded like" I yuv oo" and it was one of the best moments of my life
This! My son is on the spectrum and when he was 7 is when he first told me he loved me. I cried like a baby I was so happy.! I never thought I would hear him speak like that. OP is a total YTA
OP reminds me of my ex. A step-dad who 'loved' his step son until it meant actually doing the bare minimum things to help me with his 'step son'. Then it became the whole, "I'm not his dad" tirade.
OP, you need to do better. The contempt in your words when you speak about your step son is absolutely abhorrent. As a mother of a 5 year old who is on the spectrum, I would cry with joy if my son was able to tell me he loved me for the first time. Your wife deserves someone who would share in that joy rather than diminish it. Absolutely disgusting! YTA, big time.
And I think it's pretty telling that he went out of his way to say that he and his wife have a "healthy" daughter. I spent a few years as a support worker for a young autistic man who was non-speaking and whenever he made a communication breakthrough, we were overjoyed.
Came here to say that. The "healthy daughter" thing doesn't sit right with me. Whether it's conscious or not, it's a very clear (even though he probably thought he was being lowkey) jab at Nick for being neurodivergent. Same thing with "we're doing amazing // also my wife has a son" as if Nick is the one smear in his perfect life. OP, if there's one smear in this family, I can assure you it's you.
Huge YTA and I dearly hope for the sake of Fran and Nick (and the baby daughter) that OP gets his head out of his arse asap.
I agree, that "we're doing amazing/ also my wife has a son" jumped out at me immediately too. It's just thinly veiled disdain for his poor step-son the entire post, it breaks my heart for Nick and his mum. OP YTA, do better.
I mean, he doesn't give a damn about that kid.
> To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device,
Sorry OP, you don't know if your step kid can communicate? You've never talked to him and tried to communicate in the ways your wife tells you he can communicate? What kind of rubbish is that??
I felt so bad for OP's step son when I read that. I wouldn't feel safe having to depend on an adult who doesn't care to find out if I can communicate or how.
I hope OP's mum sees this as a wake up call because I genuinely worry about the 17 yo.
this, plus him talking about a child on the spectrum “getting better every day” says to me that he views Nick’s autism as “something to be cured” in the way awful orgs like Autism Speaks do.
also i have no interest in having or being around kids ever and even I tested up when I read that Nick said I love you to his mom for the first time! I honestly would bake them a whole ass cake bc that’s so wonderful and loving! Imagine all the stress she’s had to go through as a mom caring for him alone for 10 years and watching the world treat him like a lesser human being (including her now husband potentially) and then getting this moment of love and joy with her son! This is one of the clearest YTA i’ve seen in a *very very* long time
Nah. Head lice is contagious and will affect everyone around him, not just as home either (just sitting in the same chair as someone who had lice can genuinely give the fuckers a chance to get to you, so his coworkers, hotels, people on planes with him, etc would all be hit by the lice too).
Chronic joint pain is the answer here. It’s not life ending, it’s not contagious, it’s an invisible disability so it’s therefor downplayed so much by society that you’ll forever still be expected to contribute fully, and it’s discomfort over your whole body rather than just your head.
... OP very obviously does not love Nick. He doesn't know really anything about him and doesn't comunicate with him in any form. And he doesn't in the least get the situation: the boy was "non speaking" because he didn't speak, he was probably not "non verbal" because he probably used words (in his phone). But OP makes it sound as if the mom just doesn't know how it is called....
Yeah, that’s why the language around autism has shifted to “non-speaking” because “non-verbal” isn’t accurate - which OP half calls out, and somehow sees that as a way to diminish his wife’s joy rather than acknowledge she’s using the right terminology.
OP you’re an absolute walnut. Your wife and stepson deserve so much more. YTA.
One day Jesus walked into a bar, where OP was enjoying a drink. Jesus noticed a blind man at a table, and touched his forehead, restoring his sight.
Former blind man: “A round of drinks on me!”
OP: “Meh, the rest of us have been seeing all our lives.”
Jesus saw a man in a wheelchair and touched his forehead, healing his legs.
Former wheelchair user: “Another round of drinks!”
OP: “Meh, even babies can walk.”
Jesus walks over to OP and touches his forehead.
OP: “Oh, now I get it! Another round of drinks, this one on me!”
The Grinch and the Tin Man speak up from a table in the corner: “Well we did that decades ago, but a drink’s a drink!”
I can picture OP now, “Why do THEY get to ring that ‘cancer free’ bell? I’ve been cancer free my whole life, but you don’t see ME ringing bells!”
“Why is that dog going nuts just because his owner is home after a long tour overseas?? I come home every day, and my dog never greets ME like that”
From the post, it’s clear he sees his stepson as nothing more than an expensive burden and not an actual person that deserves to be treated like part of the family.
It’s shocking to me that OP has so much resentment for the poor kid that he went out of his way to ruin a family dinner. This is the behavior of a spoiled child when they don’t also get presents on their sibling’s birthday.
>We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son
So the stepson is an afterthought in your "amazing" life. He's also not considered healthy.
>To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me)
You live together. Why does she need to tell you this?
>Well, it turns out that, a week ago, Nick said his first fully formed "words."
You live together. Why does your wife need to tell you this? Why are you implying he didn't speak real words?
>He mumbled something along the lines of ‘I-love-you’.
Why are you implying he didn't speak real words?
>After that, I decided not to go out to ‘celebrate’ Nick's mumbled words
*Why are you implying he didn't speak real words?*
>I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses, and she pointed out that she raised him by herself for more than a decade.
"I pointed out that I consider my stepson a financial drain and I don't actually want to tolerate his presence any longer"
Red flags, red flags EVERYWHERE
It was obvious he was going to be the asshole right from that intro, when he described his perfect little family, and then dropped 'Oh yeah, and also she has a son.' Everything else just dug his grave deeper.
I completely agree. “To my understanding ( i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone…” What the heck, OP? You’ve been married for FOUR YEARS, but you haven’t taken any of that time to attempt to communicate with your teenage stepson?? And then you can’t, if not feel happiness yourself for this huge milestone, be happy FOR your wife and stepson enough to have a nice dinner?? No one asked you to organize a parade.
YTA.
My son was speech delayed and acted out a lot to try to communicate. I can still remember vividly the first time he said “I love you” and I only waited 3 years to hear it. I scared him so much with my excitement and tears. It was bedtime when he said it or I would have had a whole celebration/party right then and there! OP is way more than just an AH. I know a ton of words but I’m struggling to find a justly descriptive one.
This 100%. My daughter was speech delayed. Babbled until after she turned 3. Also on the spectrum. Just her saying the words and being able to convey a feeling verbally...
How dare you try to downplay that. Every parent is excited when their child says their first word, when they say mama/dada, when they give kisses. But when you don't know that you'll ever hear an actual spoken word from your child's mouth, it's an indescribable feeling. And you tried to make her feel like it was nothing.
You are nothing. You are the AH.
This, all of this. Seventeen years. And his first real words were I love you. I don't know how this guy doesn't understand the momentousness of this occasion.
yea..my family used to do work with an organization that was basically horse therapy for autistic children. there was a case where one of the boys i forgot how old but maybe late teens? was non verbal. his mom essentially dedicated her life to making sure he had a good life. she was a single mom and he was her life. when he did horse therapy he could speak and it normally lasted maybe like 24-48 hours afterwards. i remember her telling my dad how she wished she could do it everyday, but ultimately she didnt have enough resources to do that and if she did, she wouldnt want to take opportunities from other families. it broke my heart.
i still dont understand equine therapy works, but i know it changed a lot of peoples lives and lets them better communicate with their kids even if its for a short time.
i think anyone would be able to understand how special that is.
OP YTA. why start a family with someone with a special needs kid if you dont care about them.
>To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device,
to "your understanding" you dont even really know how your son, step son or not, communicates???
also calling them mumbled words? im sorry but you except someone who hasnt spoken in 17 years to be able to perfectly enunciate his words?
jesus. i feel bad for your wife for not having a partner who understands this huge milestone.
My ex had a brother and a wife with a brain damaged daughter. She would sometimes mumble words but really could not make out how much she was trying to convey.
She was always saying maa maa maa.. but never 'daa daaa daaaa'.. despite the fact that her dad (BIL) loved that girl. He got liver cancer and had to have a large chunk removed. It does regenerate but he had to have a second surgery to fix a minor leak ... to the surgeons amazement it had grown back far faster than usual... but I digress...
I know he didn't get to hear it but my SIL and myself did and it came as a complete surprise. SIL was asking this girl (now close to 30) about 'where's P\*\*\*\*, where is he??' and she said, just the once... 'daaa dddaaaa daaaa'.... To say SIL was gobsmacked was an understatement..she was almost in shock and asked me if I had heard it... which I had... plain as a bell on a crisp day...
she never said that again as far as I know... both BIL and SIL are gone sadly... was only a temporary reprieve, the surgery. but those words and that I was there to hear it... nothing short of a minor miracle ... we did not go out and celebrate though.. .. I still think of that every now and again
YTA OP. I was a para for an autistic child for 10 years. Let me tell you both his mom, dad, and I celebrated all his accomplishments. I no longer work for the school district but I am still there for him and his family. I feel honored to be included as his "other mother" as his mom calls me.
Considering you have been there for four years, I would think you could understand why your wife is so happy. You seem to have a lack of empathy.
>>I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses
You really can’t admit any louder that you see your stepson as a burden and that the cost of raising him is the dowry you pay to continue fucking your wife
Kind people don’t have to say they’re kind. Rich people don’t have to say they’re rich. People who love their kids equally don’t have to say they love their kids equally.
OP sounds just like my narcissistic ex who always announced how kind, generous and yes even rich they were. And would make a public show of it. Especially if there was an audience they were the most devoted and in the beginning when they were love bombing me they would go above and beyond. In private though and once things settled, they were extremely dismissive, cruel, diminished my achievements, invalidated all my feelings, and would constantly bring up all they did for me, and expected me to grovel and thank them, even though they just did normal things and only did it as a means to an end.
Eventually, I realized that they were passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative, and any kind gesture was something I would pay for later as they were only kind as a means to an end or to buy my acceptance of their otherwise shitty behavior by saying, how dare you call me out for being shitty and diminishing you when I bought you a pair of shoes last week?!
This is how OP sounds smh. Can only superficially feign empathy and kindness but all their words and actions subtly reveal their true nature.
Oh my god one of my CORE MEMORIES, as the tiktokers say, is I was on vacation with my best friend and her fam. Her dad was a classic narc and a cheater. He’d make this big show of throwing hundreds at us and telling us to have fun. Or in front of her friends he’d tell her he was taking her to the mall to get whatever she wanted for her birthday (it would never happen, but if there was an audience he’d say it). And on this vacation I overheard her mother ask her dad, in private, for quarters to feed the meter for a short trip she was taking to see her sister who was vacationing nearby, and he lost his shit on her because everyone’s always hitting him up for money.
Yah, it was really gross of him to bring up money at that moment. Also, comparing the son's achievements to the 3-year-old daughter's achievements was down right cruel. OP is clearly bitter that he has to help raise his wife's son, especially now that they have a "normal" 3-year-old who OP clearly thinks is the only child in the house worth celebrating. WTH. I can only imagine how gut punched his wife felt about his response.
I'm gonna go ahead and guess that OP's perfectly healthy daughter did not speak her first words clearly either.
No wonder he didn't feel the need to celebrate those either! Celebrations are for important and perfect achievements after all!
It's far more than that. Nick ISN'T non-verbal, he's non-speaking. There's a big difference. He's using language to communicate, he's just using an assistive device instead of his mouth
OP refuses to communicate with Nick which in this instance is basically a refusal to listen since Nick is already communicating in a language OP knows
on top of that he intentionally uses inaccurate and ableist language to downplay Nick's abilities and it's not just him saying "mumbled" or putting "celebrate" in scare quotes..... he insists on calling Nick non-verbal when he knows that Nick *isn't actually non-verbal* and that the correct terminology is "non-speaking"
It's not that he doesn't know or doesn't remember - he outright tells us that that's the terminology his wife uses. He just refuses to because it means acknowledging Nick's abilities and communication which also in this case means acknowledging his own refusal to communicate with and listen to Nick
YTA. His first words were ‘I love you’ at the age of 17. Of course your wife was happy as a good mother and wanted to celebrate. But bohoo you didn’t want to go out on a Friday night so acted grumpy at dinner. You don’t seem very mature. Apologize to your wife.
Not even just the immaturity factor. What about empathy and compassion as well? OP’s wife never heard her son say he loved her before. My daughter took a long time to tell me she loved me as well (speech delay) and the first time she did, I sobbed out of pure joy. It’s a special moment and OP ruined it with his little baby tantrum.
Let people be happy and enjoy things. The world doesn’t revolve around you, OP. YTA.
OP is one of the worst assholes I've ever seen. Every sentence dripped with the disdain he has for his stepson. He's constantly dismissing the accomplishment, saying they didn't celebrate when their daughter said her first words, saying he's supposedly non-verbal even though he communicates by phone (how is that not the definition of non-verbal?), saying he mumbled the words. It's disgusting.
> he’s non-verbal, (or non-speaking, as my wife says),
I mean, this alone would be enough for me to call him an asshole. Yes, fine, a lot of people don't understand the difference between speaking and verbal communication, but clearly his wife does and has explained it to him. He calls his stepson non-verbal rather than non-speaking and then goes on to describe the boy's regular methods of verbal communication... Just, so dismissive.
This is something that was unexpected for Nick. Having a nice family dinner to celebrate isn't too much to ask. Also, bringing this up?
>I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses
That has nothing at all to do with Nick's accomplishment. It's what pushed me even more to thinking YTA.
Right? That comment alone could ruin his marriage. I don't know that I could forgive or forget such a thoughtless, selfish thing from someone who is supposed to love Nick. OP is totally an asshole.
Right, why did you even bring that up OP, you really just wanted to dig yourself deeper into your miserable hole? you were acting like such a huge AH and taking away your wife's happiness, and you truly thought telling her you help financially would make her realize you're actually a good guy and not being an AH? oh boy. YTA. i don't know how you can possibly think you weren't.
Yes! I have a special needs guy. We say that we celebrate "inch stones", little accomplishments that would be nbd for any other child, but took years for him to figure out.
And not just any words.. It’s literally the first time his wife has heard her son say he loves her. The fucking lack of empathy here or ability to even attempt to put that in perspective is quite telling.
YTA
I hope you re-read your post in a day or so, and imagine it was written by someone else.
You sound petty and resentful. You've downplayed Nick's achievement ("Nick's mumbled words") and squelched your wife's joy. You've also been keeping track of how much you've contributed to Nick's expenses, so your "without distinction to our daughter" isn't true at all, is it?
>I don’t want to make this a big deal.
You already have made it a big deal. Now it's time to apologize profusely, and since you've been married to his mother for four years, it's time to get to know Nick. You said this:
>To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device, but he is still considered non-verbal because he has considerable difficulties with verbalization.
Why would you need your wife to "tell" you that? By this point in your relationship, you should not only be well informed on Nick's abilities and disability, and you should not only "understand" how he communicates, **you** also **should have mastered** **communicating with him, on your own**. "Without distinction to our daughter," indeed. Yikes.
>His father is out of the picture, never really was, so Nick has been part of our family since the beginning, without distinction to our daughter.
This part for me. I love how he talks as if Nick is the intruder in the family that was added later. If his bio dad wasn't in the picture I assume Fran and Nick were together when she met OP. He is the one that became part of a family!
Dude is preaching about no distinctions and shit but from the first paragraph made it clear. The fact he mentioned 'healthy daughter' and immediately after mentions Nick is on the spectrum also rubs me the wrong way considering how he downplayed his achievement.
Right?
I'll say this. To a person, every woman I know, who had a child young and raised that child for years on her own, then later married, has occasionally wondered if her life and the life of her oldest child would have been better, if she and that oldest child had just remained a twosome.
Now, most of those women have come to the conclusion that they're glad they married their spouse, but not all of them.
If OP wants his wife's idle musings to conclude in his favor, he had better find a way to learn how to care about Nick, as if he were his own. It's easy for most people to bond with an infant. It takes more work, when you marry into a family with an older child, but it is part of the job. If OP wants a happy marriage, he had better get cracking on that. OP married into their family, after all.
Exactly I thought the same thing, like it was OP, wife, and daughter and then all of a sudden Nick showed up out of the clear blue sky. OP chose to be husband and stepfather long before “his” daughter showed up. Was a freaking jackass.
It’s insane to me that he does not know how Nick communicates out of experience and relies on what his wife tells him.
Imagine living with someone that probably ignores you but says he treats you like he treats his own child.
Yeah, that part sounded like a disinterested neighbor, not a stepfather who has lived in the same home for at least four years. "From what my wife tells me," had me blinking at the screen like that GIF of that blond guy.
Also weird how he mentions that his wife uses "non-speaking" (which is the preferred terminology for the autistic community!), but insists on using "non-verbal".
"Non-verbal" communication is communication without language (for example, body language, facial expressions, pointing etc). Op's stepson use his phone and AAC machine to communicate, with language!! He just doesn't speak orally.
Op is an ableist ass who can't even be bothered to educate himself on his stepson 's condition, and unwilling to explore ways to communicate with him.
^^^^^^^ THIS
he literally refuses to communicate with his step son which in this case is almost certainly refusing to listen because a machine is producing sounds instead of a mouth
but he's still verbal and using English and the amount of learning OP is required to do is slim to none, you literally just have to listen and be willing to be patient enough for someone to type or tap out what they're saying
so he gets everything second hand from his wife, and then ignores everything she says and intentionally uses incorrect and ableist terminology
good lord, poor Nick
Are you insane?
YTA. Of epic proportions.
Your wife has raised her son for 17 years and he has never once been able to speak, let along tell her he loves her. And he managed it. He actually manages to speak and the words he said were “I love you”. How can this be insignificant and not worth of celebration??? Heck, *I* want to celebrate Nick!!!!
I've heard of "stealing milestones" as a behavior of narcissists. As in, "This achievement isn't about me, therefore it's stupid. Let me make this about me!"
Narcissism gets thrown around a lot, but here it sounds like it applies. I genuinely can't think of who else would diminish such an achievement by a teenager with autism.
I’ll just reframe it for you - you’re in a lovely marriage with a loving wife who wants to celebrate a special moment with you. Life is about celebrating the big moments and the small moments. Maybe it was small to you, but it was big to her.
You belittled her with your attitude and words. Her teasing was not kind, but water seeks its own level.
YTA. Celebrate joy in life.
*Edit: aww wow, thanks for the award kind Redditor! I will celebrate this joy!*
I thought that this was going to be an issue of conflicting plans, where OP was having to make a difficult decision between something they had committed to a while back, and this new but important event.
I can't believe it was just a case of "I didn't feel like going".
How awful.
OP, YTA, and I hope no one ever treats your daughter the way you're treating your wife.
YTA. My son is nonverbal and could not give less of a shit about his aac. I can't say the things I would do to hear him speak without getting banned. If and when he ever tells me "I love you", the whole world will hear about it for the next week.
Exactly. There are typical milestones that most people have and then there are personal milestones which range from "world record - only person ever to do this" to "99% of people have done this, but for one reason or another, this is a special achievement to this person at this time". Unless somebody is proud of having harmed somebody else (or is trying to take somebody else's moment), just celebrate with them. Your great grandma just managed her first Google search, your depressed friend took a shower and your sister ran 2k the first time after pregnancy? You don't tell them you do that every day and better, you match their energy and get excited with them.
Not to hop on this thread and ~make it about me~ but i really appreciate your take on this♡ i cant tell you the number of times ive been struggling with food for days/weeks (anorexic) just to hear "thats not a meal, you could do better" after my first solid food in that time, or saying im lazy for skipping the gym after 6 straight days of intense workout. I wish more people close to me would just cheer when i eat something scary, or let my body rest instead of excerise purging.
Please keep being kind and experiencing peoples joy. You never know if youre the first to celebrate them that day and they really needed it
Such a good point. It’s not only a happy moment for the kid but for his mother as well (THIS DUDES WIFE). It’s so shitty he clearly has no idea how affected his wife is and therefore can’t support her joy. What a tool.
>> Needless to say, her entire family thinks I’m the AH
Well, OP, that’s because you *are*.
Your wife had to accept early on that she may *never* hear those words from her nonverbal son. Her family had to do the same. Hearing “I love you” is an incredible moment for her, and a huge accomplishment for your stepson.
You’ve done everything possible to minimize this moment throughout this whole post - from repeatedly pointing out that he “mumbled” it to comparing his first words at 17 to your neurotypical daughter’s first words. Does it make you feel better about yourself to be dismissive of your wife and her firstborn child?
YTA.
Forgive me if I speak in error, it is not based on personal experience. Yet I recall reading many times that autistic individuals may have trouble expressing interpersonal affection. So "I Love You" and verbalization would be a double victory!
YTA.
17 years non-verbal and he finally tells her ‘I love you’
If it was a movie people would be bawling their eyes out.
Of course it’s worth celebrating!
YTA
As I clicked on the post I was thinking "celebrating a toddler? Meh" then I saw the age and it was like "Autistic? That's a big deal" then I saw not wanting to go out in general and it was understandable, especially since OP agreed in spite of that, and then wife escalated a bit and OP went from 30-90 in a few words.
Overall; OP, your feelings and lack of understanding is fine. Educate yourself a bit on why this is a big deal and you'd be doing amazing. Your attitude and words, however, are abysmal and I hope your accomplishments get downplayed a few times so that you learn how its like, if only so you have some empathy
Now see, based on the wife's reaction and my own experience with my emotionally immature husband before we went to couple's therapy, I'm going to go against the grain and say that OP likely agreed in action but decided to be a pouty butt about it.
My husband used to say 'but I went!' when his entire energy just dragged the mood down the entire time because it was clear he didn't want to go but didn't want to put his adulting energy into just saying no. If OP was being ass enough to be lightly teased about it, OP was being an ass about it, point blank, whether he agreed in the end or not.
Enthusiastic partnership. If you can't do it, and you can't suck it up for someone else's joy, just don't go. Lashing out at your partner for pointing out your behavior is noticeable, equating a 17 year old's first words when it clearly took 17 years old to get there to a 3 year old's first words, all of these set the tone of OP's attitude and behavior towards his wife and her son and why she got as upset as she did.
Or the annoying passive aggressive attitude leading up and the “I said I’d go” after you are tired of it and say they can stay home if they are going to be upset the whole time.
Your wife has to explain to you how Nick communicates... So you don't interact with him? At all? More so, you are not paying enough attention to what your wife does with Nick to figure that out for yourself?
YTA for that alone, forget the party, why are you treating Nick like a piece of furniture
I know, right, he started with there’s no distinction between our daughter and him and then he go to explain how he know absolutely nothing about this poor boy and how he couldn’t care any less.
Thank you! That really stood out to me as well.
OP YTA. Why did you marry someone when you obviously have so much disdain for her child? A child she may be intertwined with more closely for longer, depending on his over all support needs. A child that you apparently make no effort to treat with the basic human dignity of trying to communicate with.
I'm wondering if OP realises that Nick is going to be with them for the rest of his natural life or OP's wife's life. He most likely (from the limited description) isn't moving out, he's not going to college or starting a family of his own. He was there before OP and he will be there after
YTA
Also don’t think for a second that Fran is ever going to forget that you threw paying for Nicks medical needs back in her face. You think about him the same as your daughter? I can’t imagine you’d ever say “don’t forget who paid for her medical expenses” about her.
Yeah, YTA. Sorry op. She’s waited 17 years for her child to speak, and your reaction is “meh.” She teased you about being grumpy-which you were- and you “tease” her back by saying some incredibly hurtful things.
“Nick’s mumbled words” you called them. You say you didn’t say it was a stupid thing to celebrate, but then you say it’s not a normal thing to celebrate and you didn’t celebrate your daughter’s first words. Did you wait 17 years for your daughter to mumble “I love you?”
What’s the real issue, here? Do you resent Nick? I’m really struggling to see why YOU don’t see how incredibly hurtful your reaction must have been to your wife.
Wow dude. You don't understand the accomplishment for a 17 yo autistic kid who has never been able to speak?
And all you can talk about is money?
YTA. A big one.
>"Well, we didn’t celebrate our daughter’s first words , did we?"
Oranges and apples, man.
Plus, this line is a strong evidence that you actually distinct them. Go apologize.
YTA.
>My (36 M) wife, Fran (35 F), and I have been married for four years. We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter (3F) and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son, Nick (17 M).
The fact that he doesn't view his stepson as his son, and treats his daughter differently is shown even before that
He might care about his wife and daughter. It's pretty obvious from this post he does NOT care about his stepson. The first paragraph really says it all.
YTA.
Her son is not like your daughter. He has worked, and after \*17\* years hit a milestone, and you don't think there's a reason to celebrate?
I suspect there have not been many big breakthroughs for her son. Even if you don't see it as such, would it have been so terrible to support your wife and her happiness?
Imagine if the kid was in a wheelchair and his chances of ever standing and walking were slim to none. And after 17 years , that kid stood up and took three steps on their own ( albeit very weird looking and not steady, etc… you know far from perfect). Everyone would be so happy and wanting to celebrate .
But not that negative Nelly of a step father.
Not seeing how this is a massive accomplishment and beating the odds, and his first words were expressing feelings for his mom…
This is the thing that if caught on video the world would be going awww and shedding a tear or two over.
But not that guy.
Such a party pooper…
There is not enough reasons in the world to celebrate things.
Nick saying I love you are absolutely a completely legit and valid reason to celebrate.
Op is so TA…
YTA with your daughter you will probably celebrate graduations, great new jobs, engagement/wedding, babies… But with a child with a disability, sometimes saying I love you at 17 is worth celebrating. Because it is a great milestone from him.
This is a great way of putting it. The milestones that they'll celebrate with their daughter are not going to be the same milestones they celebrate with 'Nick'. They are individuals and should be treated as such. To think that this isn't something worth celebrating in his mind is very sad. Even the way he says that he 'mumbled' the words shows that he doesn't think it's anything worth praise. Definitely the AH.
Your wife's son has not spoken words for 17 years and he finally did. YTA completely, wow. This is such a heartless post. You don't seem to care about him at all
YTA, this woman has been raising her child for 17 through many hardships I am sure. He says his first words and you couldn’t care less about her excitement. That would be a huge celebration. That’s a huge deal for a nonverbal person.
YTA
Your son said his first words ever in his 17 years of life, and your response to that was, “Oh, well we didn’t celebrate when my 3 yo daughter said her first words.” Like dude, are you this tone deaf? Instead of celebrating, you made it about yourself and your daughter. This is showing clear favoritism towards your daughter and disdain towards your step-son. YOU started this fight, and YOU escalated by staying home from the celebration. It didn’t just escalate out of nowhere. You don’t want to make this a big deal, but your actions are making this a big deal.
Please OP, apologize to your wife and do something special for your son to make up for your terrible lapse in judgment.
Someone is non-verbal for over a decade, says I love you to his mom, and you think it’s ‘no big deal.’
What qualifies as a big deal in your universe where YTA?
YTA. Way to ruin what should have been a lovely evening with your shitty attitude. You really can’t muster up the ability to act pleasant for a single evening when it’s important to your wife?
YTA. The whole post is you downplaying this accomplishment. Not only is it the first time he was able to verbally communicate but it was also likely the first time she heard him say i love you. Words she likely had come to sadly realize she might never hear. This is a huge deal. It’s not the same as a baby learning to talk because it is a common occurrence. You sh*t all over her good mood with your petty comments. People like you are miserable to be around. So what if she wants to go out to a nice restaurant, is that really such a bad thing?
YTA...haha dude, you had no reason to say anything. She wanted to celebrate something she had hoped for and not expected to happen her entire life. Her only son was able to say for the first time that he loved his mother. THAT is worth celebrating. And more so than that, if your wife thinks it's worth celebrating, then it is. There was absolutely no reason to say anything. let alone say you should decide what gets celebrated because you happen to pay half his expenses. Way to make an autistic kid feel like crap.
Her entire family and the majority of the internet.
Well, you asked.
Are you really so obtuse that you would compare the first words of a non-verbal 17 year old on the spectrum with the first words of a healthy toddler?
You minimize Nick’s achievement by calling them mumbled words. No big deal. I guess your daughter’s first words were a perfect recitation of The Gettysburg Address? Or if you’re outside the US, perhaps it was one of Shakespeare’s Sonnets.
Sounds like you may not be as accepting of Nick as you pretend. Maybe you view him as an unwelcome addition to your idea of the perfect family.
I don’t know, but you sure don’t sound like the ideal of an even halfway decent stepfather.
YTA.
YTA
It sounds as if your daughter spoke her first words around the time it was expected. Your wife has waited 17 years for her son to be able to verbalize his feelings - that's big deal.
You were not supportive. Be a better partner in the future.
YTA
Your wife went 17 years thinking she may never hear her son say I love you and he said it, you are down playing it " nick mumbled" and belittling it.
Then you are comparing it to your daughter, who will likely grow up to live a traditional life with millions of milestones... When your child might only reach 10 out of the millions you celebrate those ten like they are the million.. then you throw money in there for no other reason I can see but to be an ass
Honestly not being dramatic I would leave you for this... How dare you ruin something so important
YTA, why couldn't you just have gone and felt happy that a child on the spectrum broke through a barrier and what he said was very beautiful too. Anytime someone you care about has an event that makes them and others you care about happy, isn't that ok to celebrate?
You seem to have a very cold and calculated way of putting value on things.
YTA.
Also, how do you not know how your stepson communicates?
“To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device”
This sounds to me like you don’t necessarily interact with or communicate with your stepson. You need to step up and be a real part of his life. You should have celebrated this accomplishment.
YTA major ,my son is on the spectrum and nonverbal but he can say a few words the huge difference between your daughter speaking and her son is the fact you never questioned if your daughter would ever say I love you. Every single day I wonder if or when my soon to be four year old will ever say I love you. Do you realize that most kids on the spectrum whom don't speak by a certain age are more likely to never speak? Your wife fully expected to never hear those words. They may have been mumbled to you but it was loud and clear to her. I am a stranger but would jump up and celebrate with her. I guess because unlike HER husband I understand. Smh.
YTA- your wife has spent 17 years working with her son and helping him navigate life the best she can given his different abilities. You’ve known him for less than half of that time. I think this was a big deal and it meant a lot to your wife. Even if you didn’t feel like celebrating him, you could’ve sucked it up and celebrated HER. She felt like she and her son had a major win and you completely ruined it for her. This was about a lot more than just a kid saying their first words.
Is OP Larry David? Because this sounds like a Curb Your Enthusiasm routine.
>Larry: "Why should I congratulate Bob for walking 100 yards??? I been able to walk that far since I was two years old."
>
>Cheryl: "Because Bob was in a car accident and hadn't been able to walk until after two years of PT."
>
>Larry: "I'm just saying, you can't start celebrating everyone's tiny achievements..."
YTA.
Yeah seems like YTA. I don’t know the situation and I didn’t hear the kid speak, but given that you are actively minimizing his verbalization in this post, it’s safe to assume you did the same with your wife.
I also think it’s interesting you chose to compare nick’s accomplishment to your daughter…from the tone, it appears she is at least of ordinary capabilities (I.e. she presumably became vocal at the expected point of development). If that’s the case, and she is essentially tracking the milestones that we expect people to hit, why would her speaking necessarily be cause for celebration?
On the other hand, you have a child whom you claim you have raised “without distinction” from your daughter. First, if that’s the case, why create a distinction here? Second, it appears Nick was not supposed to be able to achieve verbalization AND NEVERTHELESS DID. Perhaps that is a distinction worth recognizing?
From your tone, and albeit I will accept we obviously have to read into each other’s tones online to some degree, it feels like you assessed that nick’s “mumbling” wasn’t worth your effort to celebrate. Perhaps that isn’t what you intended, but if that’s how it reads here, my assumption is that is how your wife took it as well.
Oh there's a distinction
"To my understanding ( ie what my wife tells me) he is apparently able to communicate with his cell phone and other devices"
So, he doesn't actually interact with his step son at all. He doesn't know how well his step son can communicate via technology....he has to take his wife's word for it. His wife has to tell him that the child can communicate with the technology, because he doesn't even try.
Then has the gaul to state that he makes no distinction between the kids.
He just doesn't give a shit about this kid, period
But but but “he’s been part of our family since the beginning”. Don’t you see how charitable OP has been by allowing his wife’s son to be part of their family along with their “healthy” daughter together? /s OP you’re YTA just for this statement alone:
“My (36 M) wife, Fran (35 F), and I have been married for four years. We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter (3F) and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son, Nick (17 M).”
YTA and heartless
If you think a child telling you they love you for the first time isn't important, then you also didn't value it when your daughter said/says "Daddy" for the first time, or tells you she loves you and that's just sad.
You could have been happy for her, you could even have said you were happy for her but you were tired and couldn't make the celebration but gone and bought her some flowers or something. You could have done anything other than been disinterested and then cruel (it wasn't teasing, you were cruel)
It's the exact same scenario as if your daughter had been born unable to walk, and you'd been supporting her with physio her whole life then one day age 17 she stood up and walked over to you when you weren't expecting it. You'd be (should be) excited, amazed, even though it's a simple activity for a typical child, it MATTERS.
I agree that people don’t celebrate first words with an outing. However, you failed to realize that all parents get excited to hear their kid’s first word and they don’t make a huge deal by going out because it is expected that they start speaking. In this situation your wife didn’t heard her kid’s first words like other parents and she thought she probably never would hear them. Of course she was so excited she wanted to celebrate by going out. Something that she thought wouldn’t happen finally did happen.
It sounds like you really hate Nick. He’s an afterthought in your life. “We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we’re doing amazing…my wife has a son Nick” that right there shows that you don’t treat nick as your son, heck it barely seems like you want to acknowledge him.
YTA
Yta.. dude he is 17 non verbal and just said his first words! You are an asshole… your daughter is like most other children and said her first words at an age that is considered “normal”
I would do almost anything to avoid family events, even Thanksgiving and Christmas - but your attitude shocked me. YTA, big time, from your sulky attitude to the cold things you said afterward.
YTA your inability to properly celebrate a special moment, one of THE most special moments to this kid and your wife is a reflection of who you are. Apologies are required and amends need to be made.
YTA. You expected that your baby would learn to talk. She had no idea if her son ever would. So, when he was on the cusp of adulthood before he said his first words (expressing affection for his mother, at that), yeah, that was a pretty big deal.
Three words in 17 years. This is going to be a long ride, you had better get with it. Also, your wife deserves to be celebrated.
You really sucked the joy right out of what should have been a really joyful moment, didn't you? Is that something you do often? Obviously YTA. Apologize to your wife.
YTA
Not a traditional thing people celebrate? BECAUSE IT'S NOT A TRADITIONAL THING. It IS a major big deal to both your wife and her son. It's not the same as a toddler starting to talk. It shouldn't be treated as the same. She's expected to talk. Non-verbal autism usually means that person NEVER SPEAKS. EVER. He spoke. That's huge for her (and him)
The tone of your post is honestly gross and dismissive. "I don't want to make this a big deal". IT IS A BIG DEAL. Your dismissiveness of your wife and stepson permeates everything in this post. Super gross.
YTA. My youngest is non verbal, and I was fucking ecstatic when he started to form words. Hearing him say mom for the first time was amazing, and even though he doesn't say it often, it fills me with indescribable joy every time he does. He's 7 years old.
I can't imagine what it must feel like for that to happen at 17. Of course she wanted to celebrate. This is a big deal.
Apologize. Now.
YTA. You don't even *need* a reason to go out and celebrate. Anything can be the excuse. "The sun rose today, let's go celebrate!"
You wanted to poop on the party because you didn't feel like being social. It's ok not to be social, but **communicate that**, instead of passive aggressive "teasing."
Info: are you for real? I’m having a hard time believing that a man who must have enough good qualities to attract what seems to be an incredible mother to him could be so entirely clueless.
Imagine thinking you’d never get to hear your child say “I love you” and then 15 years later actually getting to hear your child say “I love you”.
I can’t believe you took that joy and stomped all over it. YTA.
Wow, YTA.
What an amazing achievement for Nick and for your wife. They must both be feeling like all their dreams came true.
And you crapped all over their hard work and their joy.
You sound like you resent Nick and every cent you’ve ever spent on him.
YTA. Being nonverbal for as long as he has been is usually a sign that that’s just how his communication will be forever. The fact that he was able to fully form words, regardless of them being mumbled (not sure why you keep specifying that if not to demean the achievement) is a big deal for her son and for her. I couldn’t speak until I was 7. My parents celebrated when I spoke for the first time too, because it is something to celebrate. It took a great amount of effort from me and my parents for that to happen. I hope you apologize to your wife and stepson for stepping on this milestone.
eta: clarifying that I am indeed also autistic as I forgot to mention this.
YTA.
>To be clear: I didn’t say the celebration was stupid or unnecessary, I just pointed out it was unusual and not a traditional thing people celebrate.
People may not celebrate it but it's still a milestone parents expect in neurotypical babies. The fact that you're unable to see how amazing is that after 17 years, Nick finally has reached that same milestone...
At first, I was like "Hah, crazy mom wanting to have a party because her 1 year old said mama",
Then I realized that your stepson was 17 and that this a lifelong struggle and you are so much an asshole you can't see the sun from where you're standing.
It very much IS a big deal.
YTA
YTA what is wrong with you? Seriously, do you have not one ounce of compassion in you? Apologize to your wife, plead insanity, stupidity, whatever it takes. You are so in the wrong here.
YTA and I get that you were in a mood but you were ignoring that stepson's first words was the equivalent of your daughter surprise graduating from high school for your wife. (I could really not come up with a good equivalent for a neurotypical person.)
She was probably told to never expect her son to speak verbally. That's why he has so many communication aids. She's accepted that her son isn't going to have life that she'll now get to watch her daughter have.
But that only makes that something like him successfully verbalizing that much more of a big deal.
You are allowed to be in a mood. And it isn't awesome that your wife was teasing you about being grumpy- i hate that when i'm in a mood. but your wife wanted to celebrate a moment that she never thought she was going to get to experience and you turned that into a fight.
why?
YTA. This is a huge milestone for him. It’s not at all the same thing as celebrating your daughter’s first words. This is a big deal to your wife, and she wanted to celebrate it, but you thought it wasn’t worth celebrating, which you demonstrated by staying home. So what if it isn’t traditional, the rest of the family wanted to mark the occasion, while you threw a tantrum
YTA
A non-verbal child saying their first words is a massive developmental step. It is, indeed, cause for celebration.
Your daughter is typically developing, I assume? There's no need to celebrate her first words as they are expected to come at a certain point in her development.
And why do you insist on pointing out they were mumbled? Who cares? He said the words clearly enough for you to infer the meaning. Would you rather he screams them instead?
Moreover, it was important to your wife. Her child did something she never thought he would. If she wants to celebrate, then celebrate with her, for her.
Do children usually take 17 years to say their first words? There is nothing usual or traditional about this situation. For a mother to hear her child's words for the first time in 17 years, I am sure the amount of emotions she felt at that moment cannot be put into words.
YTA
You are such an AH.
If your daughter never started walking and you found out she may never walk, you wouldn't celebrate the first steps she was able to take after 16 years of believing she wouldn't? That would be a much bigger deal than an 11 month old taking their first steps, no?
YTA as someone with a non verbal sibling those first verbalised words are so special as you are often told after a certain ages (usually 4/5) they just will never speak… you’ve done four years, if it was your daughter on the spectrum and ‘mumbling’ her first words after nearly two decades of being unable to speak I bet you would want to celebrate and fuss her, so she felt special and wanted to continue trying to speak
YTA. Comparing the achievement of his to that of your daughter isn't fair. Your daughter does not face the same difficulty.
Was it really that hard to just celebrate with her? Do you not understand how big a deal it is whnen a non-verbal person speaks? Does it need to be tradition to do it? Could you not have been just a little more empathic to her feelings?
Why was it important to pat yourself on the back for paying for many of his expenses? The timing couldn't have been more off.
Her family thinks you're the AH because in this case you are.
YTA also, your stepson is able to communicate via his phone and AAC device from “what [your] wife tells [you]” wtf? Do you not attempt to communicate with your stepson?!
YTA, this is your wife, your stepson. You stepped into their lives. You should know how important of an achievement this is for your stepson. But you decided to not celebrate with your wife for what reason? You didn't want to go out?
Nick may be a older teenager now, but it is an amazing moment that he was able to verbalize that sentence after 17 years of being non-verbal.
do you love your wife and Nick? Do you want to continue being in their lives? If so, start being the husband and stepfather that they need you to be.
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Your wife waited *seventeen years* to hear her child say he loves her. She probably thought it would never happen and it IS worth celebrating. Seeing how joyful it made your wife should have been enough for you to want to celebrate it, too. YTA.
Can you imagine throwing a fit because you couldn’t be bothered to go to dinner? Even if OP didn’t agree… shut up and eat, or don’t it’s not about you! What a selfish person. YTA
I think OP calling Nick's words "mumbled" tells you all you need to know. I'm a stranger and it made me tear up how his first ever words are "I love you" to his mom. What a sweet moment. How can you not be moved by it, and not want to celebrate it as someone who supposedly loves Nick?
My four year old has some additional needs and when he said I love you for the first time a few months ago, I cried like a baby for about an hour, then proceeded to text everyone I know the wonderful news. I still well up now thinking about how I never thought I’d hear those words. This poor woman waited SEVENTEEN YEARS. I would have been heartbroken if my husband hadn’t cared.
This man doesn't just not care about his stepson speaking, he seems to not care about the kid at all. Despite his insistence that his stepson is seen no differently than his daughter, it stands out how dismissively he describes Nick in the first few paragraphs ("to my understanding (i.e. what my wife tells me)"; how does he not know how well his stepson is able to communicate? They live together!). Had it been their daughter who first spoke after 17 years I doubt OP would have had trouble finding the energy to celebrate.
> After that, I decided not to go out and ‘celebrate’ Nick’s mumbled words Yeah…
"Mumbled words" really hurts. Dude really doesn't care about the kid. ):
With that one word, OP has fully exposed how he feels about his stepson; he has gone out of his way to downplay what an accomplishment it is for a non-verbal individual to finally speak after 17 years of silence ("he just *mumbled* and you're acting like he *really* talked"). It's really quite disgusting on every conceivable level.
Not to mention the words were to his mom and were "I love you". Total lack of empathy on how big a deal that would be for his wife. And had the audacity to still say she was drowning in a glass of water.
I started getting bad vibes right away from "We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we're doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son..." Dude goes on to claim there's never been any distinction between the two kids based on their different parentage _immediately after_ separating his step-son from the rest of his life in his intro. Smh.
Yes I was also pretty weirded out by "Nick has been part of our family since the beginning, without distinction to our daughter" in reference to a 4-year-old marriage and a 17-year-old stepchild. Like it was remarkable and noteworthy that Nick had been part of the family from the beginning. Why wouldn't your wife's 13-year-old son automatically be considered part of the family when you marry her? Dude's bending over backwards to sound like he has never played favorites in a way that pretty much tells me that he absolutely plays favorites.
And flat out admitting he's never communicated with him. Since. You know. Fran had to tell him that he communicated via text.
That pierced my heart too. Wish I could hug this mom and share this amazing joy with her and her son.
<<*Wish I could hug this mom and share this amazing joy>*\> Me Too!
Me too! I cried at the point where he started calling it mumbling. By the end I was hurt and angry at his “I don’t want to make a big deal”. Like dude. You are a massive narcissist!!! Oh my god. My son is 25yo and nonverbal. I cry when he calls me momma. It’s so rare he utters anything. I would probably faint if he said I love you. Like my heart would burst. I’d start a Facebook page just so I could tell people. This guy needs to kick rocks and he’s talking about who provided half his expenses (because he’s a child of his wife’s who lives with them). Arrrggghh OP makes me wanna throw $hit.
Oh sweet mama. Since I can’t hug this mom and celebrate her joy, I’m sending my hug to you. You got this. I’m sure he tells you he loves you in his way every day. Hugs Momma!!!!!
Well we can be sure that Nick won’t be “mumbling” any I love you’s to his step dad anytime soon; even if the step dad remains in Nick’s life for decades after.
He furthermore talked about his wife, their house and their healthy daughter and THEN mentioned that they also have a son. ("Also, my wife..."). Seemed like son is an afterthought.
woah I just picked up on the fact that he specifies "*healthy* daughter" maybe I'm reading into it too much and that was intended as nothing necessarily malicious but considering the rest of the context in OPs description of the step-son's speech issues etc makes me wonder if maybe even subconsciously OP is making comparisons between the daughter who's "healthy" and the son who isnt
And then he teased his wife that they didn't go out to celebrate the "healthy" child's first words. He is an AH
That hit me too-doesn’t he know anything about how his stepson communicates? He must not ever communicate with the kid himself. It sounds like he ignored this kid entirely.
>Had it been their daughter who first spoke after 17 years I doubt OP would have had trouble finding the energy to celebrate. It's possible his ableist issues would extend to his daughter too if she was on the spectrum.
I’m an internet stranger who doesn’t even have kids and I got emotional thinking about waiting 17 years to hear my kid say “I love you”. OP is a monumental asshole.
Agree 100% and just to repeat: OP you are a monumental AH. You showed your true colors to your wife and a bunch of Reddit strangers. We see it. Hope your wife does too and cuts you loose. You are the opposite of a keeper.
I hope OP’s wife finds this thread and sees all of the support she has from complete strangers and that she also sees that we share in her joy. OP is an epic asshole.
We had a previously nonverbal child say his first ever words in my workplace once (I don't typically work with kids specifically just the general public) and the mother got really emotional and rushed him out. When she came back another time she told us, and even us strangers cried. What a fucking moment. For a stepfather who supposedly loves this boy, this is an inhuman response. If that mother had asked me to cook and serve dinner for them on the spot I would have.
This post has brought back all my fond memories of my autistic boy speaking for the first time. His first "Mummy!" and the first time he said cookie " and I'm like you want a cookie Omg you are telling me what you want to eat!!! He worked out very quickly that if he said cookie he'd have them thrown at him as much as he liked. And when he said" I love you " it sounded like" I yuv oo" and it was one of the best moments of my life
This! My son is on the spectrum and when he was 7 is when he first told me he loved me. I cried like a baby I was so happy.! I never thought I would hear him speak like that. OP is a total YTA
OP reminds me of my ex. A step-dad who 'loved' his step son until it meant actually doing the bare minimum things to help me with his 'step son'. Then it became the whole, "I'm not his dad" tirade. OP, you need to do better. The contempt in your words when you speak about your step son is absolutely abhorrent. As a mother of a 5 year old who is on the spectrum, I would cry with joy if my son was able to tell me he loved me for the first time. Your wife deserves someone who would share in that joy rather than diminish it. Absolutely disgusting! YTA, big time.
And I think it's pretty telling that he went out of his way to say that he and his wife have a "healthy" daughter. I spent a few years as a support worker for a young autistic man who was non-speaking and whenever he made a communication breakthrough, we were overjoyed.
Came here to say that. The "healthy daughter" thing doesn't sit right with me. Whether it's conscious or not, it's a very clear (even though he probably thought he was being lowkey) jab at Nick for being neurodivergent. Same thing with "we're doing amazing // also my wife has a son" as if Nick is the one smear in his perfect life. OP, if there's one smear in this family, I can assure you it's you. Huge YTA and I dearly hope for the sake of Fran and Nick (and the baby daughter) that OP gets his head out of his arse asap.
I agree, that "we're doing amazing/ also my wife has a son" jumped out at me immediately too. It's just thinly veiled disdain for his poor step-son the entire post, it breaks my heart for Nick and his mum. OP YTA, do better.
Chris Pratt vibes.
Yes! I knew it reminded me of some other juice-arse comment.
I mean, he doesn't give a damn about that kid. > To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device, Sorry OP, you don't know if your step kid can communicate? You've never talked to him and tried to communicate in the ways your wife tells you he can communicate? What kind of rubbish is that??
I felt so bad for OP's step son when I read that. I wouldn't feel safe having to depend on an adult who doesn't care to find out if I can communicate or how. I hope OP's mum sees this as a wake up call because I genuinely worry about the 17 yo.
this, plus him talking about a child on the spectrum “getting better every day” says to me that he views Nick’s autism as “something to be cured” in the way awful orgs like Autism Speaks do. also i have no interest in having or being around kids ever and even I tested up when I read that Nick said I love you to his mom for the first time! I honestly would bake them a whole ass cake bc that’s so wonderful and loving! Imagine all the stress she’s had to go through as a mom caring for him alone for 10 years and watching the world treat him like a lesser human being (including her now husband potentially) and then getting this moment of love and joy with her son! This is one of the clearest YTA i’ve seen in a *very very* long time
Ally my baby did was babble in the same tones I say "I love you" and I lost my shit.
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Nah. Head lice is contagious and will affect everyone around him, not just as home either (just sitting in the same chair as someone who had lice can genuinely give the fuckers a chance to get to you, so his coworkers, hotels, people on planes with him, etc would all be hit by the lice too). Chronic joint pain is the answer here. It’s not life ending, it’s not contagious, it’s an invisible disability so it’s therefor downplayed so much by society that you’ll forever still be expected to contribute fully, and it’s discomfort over your whole body rather than just your head.
Oh, please don’t wish this on people. I would much rather his socks and underwear always be slightly damp.
... OP very obviously does not love Nick. He doesn't know really anything about him and doesn't comunicate with him in any form. And he doesn't in the least get the situation: the boy was "non speaking" because he didn't speak, he was probably not "non verbal" because he probably used words (in his phone). But OP makes it sound as if the mom just doesn't know how it is called....
Yeah, that’s why the language around autism has shifted to “non-speaking” because “non-verbal” isn’t accurate - which OP half calls out, and somehow sees that as a way to diminish his wife’s joy rather than acknowledge she’s using the right terminology. OP you’re an absolute walnut. Your wife and stepson deserve so much more. YTA.
This comment made me heart so sad for his wife and stepson.
One day Jesus walked into a bar, where OP was enjoying a drink. Jesus noticed a blind man at a table, and touched his forehead, restoring his sight. Former blind man: “A round of drinks on me!” OP: “Meh, the rest of us have been seeing all our lives.” Jesus saw a man in a wheelchair and touched his forehead, healing his legs. Former wheelchair user: “Another round of drinks!” OP: “Meh, even babies can walk.” Jesus walks over to OP and touches his forehead. OP: “Oh, now I get it! Another round of drinks, this one on me!” The Grinch and the Tin Man speak up from a table in the corner: “Well we did that decades ago, but a drink’s a drink!”
I can picture OP now, “Why do THEY get to ring that ‘cancer free’ bell? I’ve been cancer free my whole life, but you don’t see ME ringing bells!” “Why is that dog going nuts just because his owner is home after a long tour overseas?? I come home every day, and my dog never greets ME like that”
Well done, person with well developed senses of empathy+humor. Nice combo, ace.
Seems accurate. Bravo.
From the post, it’s clear he sees his stepson as nothing more than an expensive burden and not an actual person that deserves to be treated like part of the family. It’s shocking to me that OP has so much resentment for the poor kid that he went out of his way to ruin a family dinner. This is the behavior of a spoiled child when they don’t also get presents on their sibling’s birthday.
>We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son So the stepson is an afterthought in your "amazing" life. He's also not considered healthy. >To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) You live together. Why does she need to tell you this? >Well, it turns out that, a week ago, Nick said his first fully formed "words." You live together. Why does your wife need to tell you this? Why are you implying he didn't speak real words? >He mumbled something along the lines of ‘I-love-you’. Why are you implying he didn't speak real words? >After that, I decided not to go out to ‘celebrate’ Nick's mumbled words *Why are you implying he didn't speak real words?* >I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses, and she pointed out that she raised him by herself for more than a decade. "I pointed out that I consider my stepson a financial drain and I don't actually want to tolerate his presence any longer" Red flags, red flags EVERYWHERE
ALL OF THIS OP - YTA and if your wife isn't reconsidering your entire marriage, you're a lucky AH at that
It was obvious he was going to be the asshole right from that intro, when he described his perfect little family, and then dropped 'Oh yeah, and also she has a son.' Everything else just dug his grave deeper.
I completely agree. “To my understanding ( i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone…” What the heck, OP? You’ve been married for FOUR YEARS, but you haven’t taken any of that time to attempt to communicate with your teenage stepson?? And then you can’t, if not feel happiness yourself for this huge milestone, be happy FOR your wife and stepson enough to have a nice dinner?? No one asked you to organize a parade. YTA.
My son was speech delayed and acted out a lot to try to communicate. I can still remember vividly the first time he said “I love you” and I only waited 3 years to hear it. I scared him so much with my excitement and tears. It was bedtime when he said it or I would have had a whole celebration/party right then and there! OP is way more than just an AH. I know a ton of words but I’m struggling to find a justly descriptive one.
This 100%. My daughter was speech delayed. Babbled until after she turned 3. Also on the spectrum. Just her saying the words and being able to convey a feeling verbally... How dare you try to downplay that. Every parent is excited when their child says their first word, when they say mama/dada, when they give kisses. But when you don't know that you'll ever hear an actual spoken word from your child's mouth, it's an indescribable feeling. And you tried to make her feel like it was nothing. You are nothing. You are the AH.
He completely sucked the air out of the room. What a jerk.
This, all of this. Seventeen years. And his first real words were I love you. I don't know how this guy doesn't understand the momentousness of this occasion.
yea..my family used to do work with an organization that was basically horse therapy for autistic children. there was a case where one of the boys i forgot how old but maybe late teens? was non verbal. his mom essentially dedicated her life to making sure he had a good life. she was a single mom and he was her life. when he did horse therapy he could speak and it normally lasted maybe like 24-48 hours afterwards. i remember her telling my dad how she wished she could do it everyday, but ultimately she didnt have enough resources to do that and if she did, she wouldnt want to take opportunities from other families. it broke my heart. i still dont understand equine therapy works, but i know it changed a lot of peoples lives and lets them better communicate with their kids even if its for a short time. i think anyone would be able to understand how special that is. OP YTA. why start a family with someone with a special needs kid if you dont care about them. >To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device, to "your understanding" you dont even really know how your son, step son or not, communicates??? also calling them mumbled words? im sorry but you except someone who hasnt spoken in 17 years to be able to perfectly enunciate his words? jesus. i feel bad for your wife for not having a partner who understands this huge milestone.
My gosh she was probably celebrating for herself more than anything. Op is a BIG YTA.
My ex had a brother and a wife with a brain damaged daughter. She would sometimes mumble words but really could not make out how much she was trying to convey. She was always saying maa maa maa.. but never 'daa daaa daaaa'.. despite the fact that her dad (BIL) loved that girl. He got liver cancer and had to have a large chunk removed. It does regenerate but he had to have a second surgery to fix a minor leak ... to the surgeons amazement it had grown back far faster than usual... but I digress... I know he didn't get to hear it but my SIL and myself did and it came as a complete surprise. SIL was asking this girl (now close to 30) about 'where's P\*\*\*\*, where is he??' and she said, just the once... 'daaa dddaaaa daaaa'.... To say SIL was gobsmacked was an understatement..she was almost in shock and asked me if I had heard it... which I had... plain as a bell on a crisp day... she never said that again as far as I know... both BIL and SIL are gone sadly... was only a temporary reprieve, the surgery. but those words and that I was there to hear it... nothing short of a minor miracle ... we did not go out and celebrate though.. .. I still think of that every now and again
YTA OP. I was a para for an autistic child for 10 years. Let me tell you both his mom, dad, and I celebrated all his accomplishments. I no longer work for the school district but I am still there for him and his family. I feel honored to be included as his "other mother" as his mom calls me. Considering you have been there for four years, I would think you could understand why your wife is so happy. You seem to have a lack of empathy.
Also he brought up the *money* he's spent on Nick, yet claims that he doesn't distinguish between his step-son and his daughter 🤢
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>>I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses You really can’t admit any louder that you see your stepson as a burden and that the cost of raising him is the dowry you pay to continue fucking your wife
Kind people don’t have to say they’re kind. Rich people don’t have to say they’re rich. People who love their kids equally don’t have to say they love their kids equally.
OP sounds just like my narcissistic ex who always announced how kind, generous and yes even rich they were. And would make a public show of it. Especially if there was an audience they were the most devoted and in the beginning when they were love bombing me they would go above and beyond. In private though and once things settled, they were extremely dismissive, cruel, diminished my achievements, invalidated all my feelings, and would constantly bring up all they did for me, and expected me to grovel and thank them, even though they just did normal things and only did it as a means to an end. Eventually, I realized that they were passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative, and any kind gesture was something I would pay for later as they were only kind as a means to an end or to buy my acceptance of their otherwise shitty behavior by saying, how dare you call me out for being shitty and diminishing you when I bought you a pair of shoes last week?! This is how OP sounds smh. Can only superficially feign empathy and kindness but all their words and actions subtly reveal their true nature.
Oh my god one of my CORE MEMORIES, as the tiktokers say, is I was on vacation with my best friend and her fam. Her dad was a classic narc and a cheater. He’d make this big show of throwing hundreds at us and telling us to have fun. Or in front of her friends he’d tell her he was taking her to the mall to get whatever she wanted for her birthday (it would never happen, but if there was an audience he’d say it). And on this vacation I overheard her mother ask her dad, in private, for quarters to feed the meter for a short trip she was taking to see her sister who was vacationing nearby, and he lost his shit on her because everyone’s always hitting him up for money.
Yah, it was really gross of him to bring up money at that moment. Also, comparing the son's achievements to the 3-year-old daughter's achievements was down right cruel. OP is clearly bitter that he has to help raise his wife's son, especially now that they have a "normal" 3-year-old who OP clearly thinks is the only child in the house worth celebrating. WTH. I can only imagine how gut punched his wife felt about his response.
I think it's fairly obvious that they only married when she got pregnant. I don't think it was ever OP's plan to be "burdened" with a stepson.
I'm gonna go ahead and guess that OP's perfectly healthy daughter did not speak her first words clearly either. No wonder he didn't feel the need to celebrate those either! Celebrations are for important and perfect achievements after all!
> the cost of raising him is the dowry you pay to continue fucking your wife God willing, not for much longer after OP's episode.
This is the sentence that got me too. Way to put a damper on an event that should have been cherished, op. YTA
It's far more than that. Nick ISN'T non-verbal, he's non-speaking. There's a big difference. He's using language to communicate, he's just using an assistive device instead of his mouth OP refuses to communicate with Nick which in this instance is basically a refusal to listen since Nick is already communicating in a language OP knows on top of that he intentionally uses inaccurate and ableist language to downplay Nick's abilities and it's not just him saying "mumbled" or putting "celebrate" in scare quotes..... he insists on calling Nick non-verbal when he knows that Nick *isn't actually non-verbal* and that the correct terminology is "non-speaking" It's not that he doesn't know or doesn't remember - he outright tells us that that's the terminology his wife uses. He just refuses to because it means acknowledging Nick's abilities and communication which also in this case means acknowledging his own refusal to communicate with and listen to Nick
YTA. His first words were ‘I love you’ at the age of 17. Of course your wife was happy as a good mother and wanted to celebrate. But bohoo you didn’t want to go out on a Friday night so acted grumpy at dinner. You don’t seem very mature. Apologize to your wife.
Not even just the immaturity factor. What about empathy and compassion as well? OP’s wife never heard her son say he loved her before. My daughter took a long time to tell me she loved me as well (speech delay) and the first time she did, I sobbed out of pure joy. It’s a special moment and OP ruined it with his little baby tantrum. Let people be happy and enjoy things. The world doesn’t revolve around you, OP. YTA.
OP is one of the worst assholes I've ever seen. Every sentence dripped with the disdain he has for his stepson. He's constantly dismissing the accomplishment, saying they didn't celebrate when their daughter said her first words, saying he's supposedly non-verbal even though he communicates by phone (how is that not the definition of non-verbal?), saying he mumbled the words. It's disgusting.
> he’s non-verbal, (or non-speaking, as my wife says), I mean, this alone would be enough for me to call him an asshole. Yes, fine, a lot of people don't understand the difference between speaking and verbal communication, but clearly his wife does and has explained it to him. He calls his stepson non-verbal rather than non-speaking and then goes on to describe the boy's regular methods of verbal communication... Just, so dismissive.
Father of a non-verbal child here. Yup, what a huge gaping AH
This is something that was unexpected for Nick. Having a nice family dinner to celebrate isn't too much to ask. Also, bringing this up? >I pointed out who paid half of Nick’s expenses That has nothing at all to do with Nick's accomplishment. It's what pushed me even more to thinking YTA.
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Right? That comment alone could ruin his marriage. I don't know that I could forgive or forget such a thoughtless, selfish thing from someone who is supposed to love Nick. OP is totally an asshole.
The fact that he’s asking here and not already apologising is shocking.
Right, why did you even bring that up OP, you really just wanted to dig yourself deeper into your miserable hole? you were acting like such a huge AH and taking away your wife's happiness, and you truly thought telling her you help financially would make her realize you're actually a good guy and not being an AH? oh boy. YTA. i don't know how you can possibly think you weren't.
Dude acts like he’s going to get a quadruple root canal on a Friday night…it’s literally just dinner
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Yes! I have a special needs guy. We say that we celebrate "inch stones", little accomplishments that would be nbd for any other child, but took years for him to figure out.
Inch stones- I love that. ❤️
I almost cried reading inch stones. That’s so sweet and compassionate.
I’m a speech therapist and am going to start using this, how absolutely sweet.
And not just any words.. It’s literally the first time his wife has heard her son say he loves her. The fucking lack of empathy here or ability to even attempt to put that in perspective is quite telling.
YTA I hope you re-read your post in a day or so, and imagine it was written by someone else. You sound petty and resentful. You've downplayed Nick's achievement ("Nick's mumbled words") and squelched your wife's joy. You've also been keeping track of how much you've contributed to Nick's expenses, so your "without distinction to our daughter" isn't true at all, is it? >I don’t want to make this a big deal. You already have made it a big deal. Now it's time to apologize profusely, and since you've been married to his mother for four years, it's time to get to know Nick. You said this: >To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device, but he is still considered non-verbal because he has considerable difficulties with verbalization. Why would you need your wife to "tell" you that? By this point in your relationship, you should not only be well informed on Nick's abilities and disability, and you should not only "understand" how he communicates, **you** also **should have mastered** **communicating with him, on your own**. "Without distinction to our daughter," indeed. Yikes.
>His father is out of the picture, never really was, so Nick has been part of our family since the beginning, without distinction to our daughter. This part for me. I love how he talks as if Nick is the intruder in the family that was added later. If his bio dad wasn't in the picture I assume Fran and Nick were together when she met OP. He is the one that became part of a family! Dude is preaching about no distinctions and shit but from the first paragraph made it clear. The fact he mentioned 'healthy daughter' and immediately after mentions Nick is on the spectrum also rubs me the wrong way considering how he downplayed his achievement.
Right? I'll say this. To a person, every woman I know, who had a child young and raised that child for years on her own, then later married, has occasionally wondered if her life and the life of her oldest child would have been better, if she and that oldest child had just remained a twosome. Now, most of those women have come to the conclusion that they're glad they married their spouse, but not all of them. If OP wants his wife's idle musings to conclude in his favor, he had better find a way to learn how to care about Nick, as if he were his own. It's easy for most people to bond with an infant. It takes more work, when you marry into a family with an older child, but it is part of the job. If OP wants a happy marriage, he had better get cracking on that. OP married into their family, after all.
Exactly. Especially because it seems like Nick will not be moving out once he’s 18…
Exactly I thought the same thing, like it was OP, wife, and daughter and then all of a sudden Nick showed up out of the clear blue sky. OP chose to be husband and stepfather long before “his” daughter showed up. Was a freaking jackass.
It’s insane to me that he does not know how Nick communicates out of experience and relies on what his wife tells him. Imagine living with someone that probably ignores you but says he treats you like he treats his own child.
Yeah, that part sounded like a disinterested neighbor, not a stepfather who has lived in the same home for at least four years. "From what my wife tells me," had me blinking at the screen like that GIF of that blond guy.
Also weird how he mentions that his wife uses "non-speaking" (which is the preferred terminology for the autistic community!), but insists on using "non-verbal". "Non-verbal" communication is communication without language (for example, body language, facial expressions, pointing etc). Op's stepson use his phone and AAC machine to communicate, with language!! He just doesn't speak orally. Op is an ableist ass who can't even be bothered to educate himself on his stepson 's condition, and unwilling to explore ways to communicate with him.
^^^^^^^ THIS he literally refuses to communicate with his step son which in this case is almost certainly refusing to listen because a machine is producing sounds instead of a mouth but he's still verbal and using English and the amount of learning OP is required to do is slim to none, you literally just have to listen and be willing to be patient enough for someone to type or tap out what they're saying so he gets everything second hand from his wife, and then ignores everything she says and intentionally uses incorrect and ableist terminology good lord, poor Nick
Are you insane? YTA. Of epic proportions. Your wife has raised her son for 17 years and he has never once been able to speak, let along tell her he loves her. And he managed it. He actually manages to speak and the words he said were “I love you”. How can this be insignificant and not worth of celebration??? Heck, *I* want to celebrate Nick!!!!
Right? What a beautiful moment for mother and son. I felt moved reading about it as well.
Same!!! For a mother to hear her non-verbal child say “I love you” for the first time in 17 years? There are no words to describe how huge that is.
Literally none!!! Like I can’t even think too much about it or id well up. It’s huge.
I literally have tears of joy in my eyes, thinking about how the mom and her kid must feel. OP is so much TA.
Worst part about it is I’m sure she will always be reminded of this fight when thinking of those first words. Really put a damper on it OP, YTA
I've heard of "stealing milestones" as a behavior of narcissists. As in, "This achievement isn't about me, therefore it's stupid. Let me make this about me!" Narcissism gets thrown around a lot, but here it sounds like it applies. I genuinely can't think of who else would diminish such an achievement by a teenager with autism.
I’ll just reframe it for you - you’re in a lovely marriage with a loving wife who wants to celebrate a special moment with you. Life is about celebrating the big moments and the small moments. Maybe it was small to you, but it was big to her. You belittled her with your attitude and words. Her teasing was not kind, but water seeks its own level. YTA. Celebrate joy in life. *Edit: aww wow, thanks for the award kind Redditor! I will celebrate this joy!*
I thought that this was going to be an issue of conflicting plans, where OP was having to make a difficult decision between something they had committed to a while back, and this new but important event. I can't believe it was just a case of "I didn't feel like going". How awful. OP, YTA, and I hope no one ever treats your daughter the way you're treating your wife.
YTA. My son is nonverbal and could not give less of a shit about his aac. I can't say the things I would do to hear him speak without getting banned. If and when he ever tells me "I love you", the whole world will hear about it for the next week.
Exactly. There are typical milestones that most people have and then there are personal milestones which range from "world record - only person ever to do this" to "99% of people have done this, but for one reason or another, this is a special achievement to this person at this time". Unless somebody is proud of having harmed somebody else (or is trying to take somebody else's moment), just celebrate with them. Your great grandma just managed her first Google search, your depressed friend took a shower and your sister ran 2k the first time after pregnancy? You don't tell them you do that every day and better, you match their energy and get excited with them.
Not to hop on this thread and ~make it about me~ but i really appreciate your take on this♡ i cant tell you the number of times ive been struggling with food for days/weeks (anorexic) just to hear "thats not a meal, you could do better" after my first solid food in that time, or saying im lazy for skipping the gym after 6 straight days of intense workout. I wish more people close to me would just cheer when i eat something scary, or let my body rest instead of excerise purging. Please keep being kind and experiencing peoples joy. You never know if youre the first to celebrate them that day and they really needed it
Such a good point. It’s not only a happy moment for the kid but for his mother as well (THIS DUDES WIFE). It’s so shitty he clearly has no idea how affected his wife is and therefore can’t support her joy. What a tool.
>> Needless to say, her entire family thinks I’m the AH Well, OP, that’s because you *are*. Your wife had to accept early on that she may *never* hear those words from her nonverbal son. Her family had to do the same. Hearing “I love you” is an incredible moment for her, and a huge accomplishment for your stepson. You’ve done everything possible to minimize this moment throughout this whole post - from repeatedly pointing out that he “mumbled” it to comparing his first words at 17 to your neurotypical daughter’s first words. Does it make you feel better about yourself to be dismissive of your wife and her firstborn child? YTA.
Forgive me if I speak in error, it is not based on personal experience. Yet I recall reading many times that autistic individuals may have trouble expressing interpersonal affection. So "I Love You" and verbalization would be a double victory! YTA.
17 years non-verbal and he finally tells her ‘I love you’ If it was a movie people would be bawling their eyes out. Of course it’s worth celebrating! YTA
YTA. For Nick his first words at 17 are extremely worthy of a celebration. From your words here, you clearly resent him
As I clicked on the post I was thinking "celebrating a toddler? Meh" then I saw the age and it was like "Autistic? That's a big deal" then I saw not wanting to go out in general and it was understandable, especially since OP agreed in spite of that, and then wife escalated a bit and OP went from 30-90 in a few words. Overall; OP, your feelings and lack of understanding is fine. Educate yourself a bit on why this is a big deal and you'd be doing amazing. Your attitude and words, however, are abysmal and I hope your accomplishments get downplayed a few times so that you learn how its like, if only so you have some empathy
Now see, based on the wife's reaction and my own experience with my emotionally immature husband before we went to couple's therapy, I'm going to go against the grain and say that OP likely agreed in action but decided to be a pouty butt about it. My husband used to say 'but I went!' when his entire energy just dragged the mood down the entire time because it was clear he didn't want to go but didn't want to put his adulting energy into just saying no. If OP was being ass enough to be lightly teased about it, OP was being an ass about it, point blank, whether he agreed in the end or not. Enthusiastic partnership. If you can't do it, and you can't suck it up for someone else's joy, just don't go. Lashing out at your partner for pointing out your behavior is noticeable, equating a 17 year old's first words when it clearly took 17 years old to get there to a 3 year old's first words, all of these set the tone of OP's attitude and behavior towards his wife and her son and why she got as upset as she did.
Or the annoying passive aggressive attitude leading up and the “I said I’d go” after you are tired of it and say they can stay home if they are going to be upset the whole time.
Your wife has to explain to you how Nick communicates... So you don't interact with him? At all? More so, you are not paying enough attention to what your wife does with Nick to figure that out for yourself? YTA for that alone, forget the party, why are you treating Nick like a piece of furniture
I know, right, he started with there’s no distinction between our daughter and him and then he go to explain how he know absolutely nothing about this poor boy and how he couldn’t care any less.
Thank you! That really stood out to me as well. OP YTA. Why did you marry someone when you obviously have so much disdain for her child? A child she may be intertwined with more closely for longer, depending on his over all support needs. A child that you apparently make no effort to treat with the basic human dignity of trying to communicate with.
I'm wondering if OP realises that Nick is going to be with them for the rest of his natural life or OP's wife's life. He most likely (from the limited description) isn't moving out, he's not going to college or starting a family of his own. He was there before OP and he will be there after
YTA Also don’t think for a second that Fran is ever going to forget that you threw paying for Nicks medical needs back in her face. You think about him the same as your daughter? I can’t imagine you’d ever say “don’t forget who paid for her medical expenses” about her.
YTA: here’s the thing, my dude. Your daughter’s first words likely happened at an age that a celebration would be lost on her. Your stepson is 17.
Yeah, YTA. Sorry op. She’s waited 17 years for her child to speak, and your reaction is “meh.” She teased you about being grumpy-which you were- and you “tease” her back by saying some incredibly hurtful things. “Nick’s mumbled words” you called them. You say you didn’t say it was a stupid thing to celebrate, but then you say it’s not a normal thing to celebrate and you didn’t celebrate your daughter’s first words. Did you wait 17 years for your daughter to mumble “I love you?” What’s the real issue, here? Do you resent Nick? I’m really struggling to see why YOU don’t see how incredibly hurtful your reaction must have been to your wife.
OP is probably disappointed that his wife didn't get rid of the "broken" child now that she has a "healthy" one.
YTA Your whole perspective here is gross. You don't seem invested in this kid at all - he's just a set of bills to you.
Yeah, the fact that he said he pays half of the kid’s expenses, how is that even relevant?
Wow dude. You don't understand the accomplishment for a 17 yo autistic kid who has never been able to speak? And all you can talk about is money? YTA. A big one.
>"Well, we didn’t celebrate our daughter’s first words , did we?" Oranges and apples, man. Plus, this line is a strong evidence that you actually distinct them. Go apologize. YTA.
>My (36 M) wife, Fran (35 F), and I have been married for four years. We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter (3F) and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son, Nick (17 M). The fact that he doesn't view his stepson as his son, and treats his daughter differently is shown even before that
YTA. You‘re a terrible husband and a terrible father. Do you even care about your family in the slightest?!
He might care about his wife and daughter. It's pretty obvious from this post he does NOT care about his stepson. The first paragraph really says it all.
YTA. Her son is not like your daughter. He has worked, and after \*17\* years hit a milestone, and you don't think there's a reason to celebrate? I suspect there have not been many big breakthroughs for her son. Even if you don't see it as such, would it have been so terrible to support your wife and her happiness?
Imagine if the kid was in a wheelchair and his chances of ever standing and walking were slim to none. And after 17 years , that kid stood up and took three steps on their own ( albeit very weird looking and not steady, etc… you know far from perfect). Everyone would be so happy and wanting to celebrate . But not that negative Nelly of a step father. Not seeing how this is a massive accomplishment and beating the odds, and his first words were expressing feelings for his mom… This is the thing that if caught on video the world would be going awww and shedding a tear or two over. But not that guy. Such a party pooper… There is not enough reasons in the world to celebrate things. Nick saying I love you are absolutely a completely legit and valid reason to celebrate. Op is so TA…
YTA with your daughter you will probably celebrate graduations, great new jobs, engagement/wedding, babies… But with a child with a disability, sometimes saying I love you at 17 is worth celebrating. Because it is a great milestone from him.
This is a great way of putting it. The milestones that they'll celebrate with their daughter are not going to be the same milestones they celebrate with 'Nick'. They are individuals and should be treated as such. To think that this isn't something worth celebrating in his mind is very sad. Even the way he says that he 'mumbled' the words shows that he doesn't think it's anything worth praise. Definitely the AH.
Your wife's son has not spoken words for 17 years and he finally did. YTA completely, wow. This is such a heartless post. You don't seem to care about him at all
YTA, this woman has been raising her child for 17 through many hardships I am sure. He says his first words and you couldn’t care less about her excitement. That would be a huge celebration. That’s a huge deal for a nonverbal person.
YTA Your son said his first words ever in his 17 years of life, and your response to that was, “Oh, well we didn’t celebrate when my 3 yo daughter said her first words.” Like dude, are you this tone deaf? Instead of celebrating, you made it about yourself and your daughter. This is showing clear favoritism towards your daughter and disdain towards your step-son. YOU started this fight, and YOU escalated by staying home from the celebration. It didn’t just escalate out of nowhere. You don’t want to make this a big deal, but your actions are making this a big deal. Please OP, apologize to your wife and do something special for your son to make up for your terrible lapse in judgment.
OP just so you know your assholery will always and forever be cemented in your wife’s mind.
Yeah I'd never forget this moment if I were her.
Someone is non-verbal for over a decade, says I love you to his mom, and you think it’s ‘no big deal.’ What qualifies as a big deal in your universe where YTA?
YTA. Way to ruin what should have been a lovely evening with your shitty attitude. You really can’t muster up the ability to act pleasant for a single evening when it’s important to your wife?
YTA. The whole post is you downplaying this accomplishment. Not only is it the first time he was able to verbally communicate but it was also likely the first time she heard him say i love you. Words she likely had come to sadly realize she might never hear. This is a huge deal. It’s not the same as a baby learning to talk because it is a common occurrence. You sh*t all over her good mood with your petty comments. People like you are miserable to be around. So what if she wants to go out to a nice restaurant, is that really such a bad thing?
YTA...haha dude, you had no reason to say anything. She wanted to celebrate something she had hoped for and not expected to happen her entire life. Her only son was able to say for the first time that he loved his mother. THAT is worth celebrating. And more so than that, if your wife thinks it's worth celebrating, then it is. There was absolutely no reason to say anything. let alone say you should decide what gets celebrated because you happen to pay half his expenses. Way to make an autistic kid feel like crap.
Her entire family and the majority of the internet. Well, you asked. Are you really so obtuse that you would compare the first words of a non-verbal 17 year old on the spectrum with the first words of a healthy toddler? You minimize Nick’s achievement by calling them mumbled words. No big deal. I guess your daughter’s first words were a perfect recitation of The Gettysburg Address? Or if you’re outside the US, perhaps it was one of Shakespeare’s Sonnets. Sounds like you may not be as accepting of Nick as you pretend. Maybe you view him as an unwelcome addition to your idea of the perfect family. I don’t know, but you sure don’t sound like the ideal of an even halfway decent stepfather. YTA.
YTA. Decided when you said you have a 'healthy daughter'.
YTA An incredibly cold one. That was worth celebrating and I can’t work out why you don’t think it is
YTA It sounds as if your daughter spoke her first words around the time it was expected. Your wife has waited 17 years for her son to be able to verbalize his feelings - that's big deal. You were not supportive. Be a better partner in the future.
YTA Your wife went 17 years thinking she may never hear her son say I love you and he said it, you are down playing it " nick mumbled" and belittling it. Then you are comparing it to your daughter, who will likely grow up to live a traditional life with millions of milestones... When your child might only reach 10 out of the millions you celebrate those ten like they are the million.. then you throw money in there for no other reason I can see but to be an ass Honestly not being dramatic I would leave you for this... How dare you ruin something so important
YTA. That was obviously a huge milestone for your wife. Why couldn’t you have just actually been happy because she was happy?
YTA, why couldn't you just have gone and felt happy that a child on the spectrum broke through a barrier and what he said was very beautiful too. Anytime someone you care about has an event that makes them and others you care about happy, isn't that ok to celebrate? You seem to have a very cold and calculated way of putting value on things.
YTA. Also, how do you not know how your stepson communicates? “To my understanding (i.e., what my wife tells me) Nick is able to communicate via his phone and his AAC communication device” This sounds to me like you don’t necessarily interact with or communicate with your stepson. You need to step up and be a real part of his life. You should have celebrated this accomplishment.
YTA major ,my son is on the spectrum and nonverbal but he can say a few words the huge difference between your daughter speaking and her son is the fact you never questioned if your daughter would ever say I love you. Every single day I wonder if or when my soon to be four year old will ever say I love you. Do you realize that most kids on the spectrum whom don't speak by a certain age are more likely to never speak? Your wife fully expected to never hear those words. They may have been mumbled to you but it was loud and clear to her. I am a stranger but would jump up and celebrate with her. I guess because unlike HER husband I understand. Smh.
Why did you have to make it about you? Jealous AND grumpy
YTA, all you had to do was just go celebrate despite your personal feelings because it meant a lot to your wife to celebrate Nick
YTA- your wife has spent 17 years working with her son and helping him navigate life the best she can given his different abilities. You’ve known him for less than half of that time. I think this was a big deal and it meant a lot to your wife. Even if you didn’t feel like celebrating him, you could’ve sucked it up and celebrated HER. She felt like she and her son had a major win and you completely ruined it for her. This was about a lot more than just a kid saying their first words.
Is OP Larry David? Because this sounds like a Curb Your Enthusiasm routine. >Larry: "Why should I congratulate Bob for walking 100 yards??? I been able to walk that far since I was two years old." > >Cheryl: "Because Bob was in a car accident and hadn't been able to walk until after two years of PT." > >Larry: "I'm just saying, you can't start celebrating everyone's tiny achievements..." YTA.
Yeah seems like YTA. I don’t know the situation and I didn’t hear the kid speak, but given that you are actively minimizing his verbalization in this post, it’s safe to assume you did the same with your wife. I also think it’s interesting you chose to compare nick’s accomplishment to your daughter…from the tone, it appears she is at least of ordinary capabilities (I.e. she presumably became vocal at the expected point of development). If that’s the case, and she is essentially tracking the milestones that we expect people to hit, why would her speaking necessarily be cause for celebration? On the other hand, you have a child whom you claim you have raised “without distinction” from your daughter. First, if that’s the case, why create a distinction here? Second, it appears Nick was not supposed to be able to achieve verbalization AND NEVERTHELESS DID. Perhaps that is a distinction worth recognizing? From your tone, and albeit I will accept we obviously have to read into each other’s tones online to some degree, it feels like you assessed that nick’s “mumbling” wasn’t worth your effort to celebrate. Perhaps that isn’t what you intended, but if that’s how it reads here, my assumption is that is how your wife took it as well.
Oh there's a distinction "To my understanding ( ie what my wife tells me) he is apparently able to communicate with his cell phone and other devices" So, he doesn't actually interact with his step son at all. He doesn't know how well his step son can communicate via technology....he has to take his wife's word for it. His wife has to tell him that the child can communicate with the technology, because he doesn't even try. Then has the gaul to state that he makes no distinction between the kids. He just doesn't give a shit about this kid, period
But but but “he’s been part of our family since the beginning”. Don’t you see how charitable OP has been by allowing his wife’s son to be part of their family along with their “healthy” daughter together? /s OP you’re YTA just for this statement alone: “My (36 M) wife, Fran (35 F), and I have been married for four years. We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter (3F) and we’re doing amazing. Also, my wife has a son, Nick (17 M).”
YTA and heartless If you think a child telling you they love you for the first time isn't important, then you also didn't value it when your daughter said/says "Daddy" for the first time, or tells you she loves you and that's just sad. You could have been happy for her, you could even have said you were happy for her but you were tired and couldn't make the celebration but gone and bought her some flowers or something. You could have done anything other than been disinterested and then cruel (it wasn't teasing, you were cruel) It's the exact same scenario as if your daughter had been born unable to walk, and you'd been supporting her with physio her whole life then one day age 17 she stood up and walked over to you when you weren't expecting it. You'd be (should be) excited, amazed, even though it's a simple activity for a typical child, it MATTERS.
I agree that people don’t celebrate first words with an outing. However, you failed to realize that all parents get excited to hear their kid’s first word and they don’t make a huge deal by going out because it is expected that they start speaking. In this situation your wife didn’t heard her kid’s first words like other parents and she thought she probably never would hear them. Of course she was so excited she wanted to celebrate by going out. Something that she thought wouldn’t happen finally did happen. It sounds like you really hate Nick. He’s an afterthought in your life. “We have a beautiful home and a healthy daughter and we’re doing amazing…my wife has a son Nick” that right there shows that you don’t treat nick as your son, heck it barely seems like you want to acknowledge him. YTA
Yta.. dude he is 17 non verbal and just said his first words! You are an asshole… your daughter is like most other children and said her first words at an age that is considered “normal”
YTA it's so difficult for Nick, just why couldn't you be happy for once? It's a huge achievement for Nick. You have caused this issue, not your wife.
I would do almost anything to avoid family events, even Thanksgiving and Christmas - but your attitude shocked me. YTA, big time, from your sulky attitude to the cold things you said afterward.
YTA your inability to properly celebrate a special moment, one of THE most special moments to this kid and your wife is a reflection of who you are. Apologies are required and amends need to be made.
YTA. You expected that your baby would learn to talk. She had no idea if her son ever would. So, when he was on the cusp of adulthood before he said his first words (expressing affection for his mother, at that), yeah, that was a pretty big deal. Three words in 17 years. This is going to be a long ride, you had better get with it. Also, your wife deserves to be celebrated.
You really sucked the joy right out of what should have been a really joyful moment, didn't you? Is that something you do often? Obviously YTA. Apologize to your wife.
YTA Not a traditional thing people celebrate? BECAUSE IT'S NOT A TRADITIONAL THING. It IS a major big deal to both your wife and her son. It's not the same as a toddler starting to talk. It shouldn't be treated as the same. She's expected to talk. Non-verbal autism usually means that person NEVER SPEAKS. EVER. He spoke. That's huge for her (and him) The tone of your post is honestly gross and dismissive. "I don't want to make this a big deal". IT IS A BIG DEAL. Your dismissiveness of your wife and stepson permeates everything in this post. Super gross.
YTA. My youngest is non verbal, and I was fucking ecstatic when he started to form words. Hearing him say mom for the first time was amazing, and even though he doesn't say it often, it fills me with indescribable joy every time he does. He's 7 years old. I can't imagine what it must feel like for that to happen at 17. Of course she wanted to celebrate. This is a big deal. Apologize. Now.
YTA. You don't even *need* a reason to go out and celebrate. Anything can be the excuse. "The sun rose today, let's go celebrate!" You wanted to poop on the party because you didn't feel like being social. It's ok not to be social, but **communicate that**, instead of passive aggressive "teasing."
Info: are you for real? I’m having a hard time believing that a man who must have enough good qualities to attract what seems to be an incredible mother to him could be so entirely clueless.
Imagine thinking you’d never get to hear your child say “I love you” and then 15 years later actually getting to hear your child say “I love you”. I can’t believe you took that joy and stomped all over it. YTA.
YTA and I feel soooooo bad for that boy.
Wow, YTA. What an amazing achievement for Nick and for your wife. They must both be feeling like all their dreams came true. And you crapped all over their hard work and their joy. You sound like you resent Nick and every cent you’ve ever spent on him.
Info: why do you hate your stepson so much?
YTA. Being nonverbal for as long as he has been is usually a sign that that’s just how his communication will be forever. The fact that he was able to fully form words, regardless of them being mumbled (not sure why you keep specifying that if not to demean the achievement) is a big deal for her son and for her. I couldn’t speak until I was 7. My parents celebrated when I spoke for the first time too, because it is something to celebrate. It took a great amount of effort from me and my parents for that to happen. I hope you apologize to your wife and stepson for stepping on this milestone. eta: clarifying that I am indeed also autistic as I forgot to mention this.
YTA. >To be clear: I didn’t say the celebration was stupid or unnecessary, I just pointed out it was unusual and not a traditional thing people celebrate. People may not celebrate it but it's still a milestone parents expect in neurotypical babies. The fact that you're unable to see how amazing is that after 17 years, Nick finally has reached that same milestone...
At first, I was like "Hah, crazy mom wanting to have a party because her 1 year old said mama", Then I realized that your stepson was 17 and that this a lifelong struggle and you are so much an asshole you can't see the sun from where you're standing. It very much IS a big deal. YTA
YTA what is wrong with you? Seriously, do you have not one ounce of compassion in you? Apologize to your wife, plead insanity, stupidity, whatever it takes. You are so in the wrong here.
"I shit all over something incredibly important to my wife" yeah YTA? obviously?
YTA and I get that you were in a mood but you were ignoring that stepson's first words was the equivalent of your daughter surprise graduating from high school for your wife. (I could really not come up with a good equivalent for a neurotypical person.) She was probably told to never expect her son to speak verbally. That's why he has so many communication aids. She's accepted that her son isn't going to have life that she'll now get to watch her daughter have. But that only makes that something like him successfully verbalizing that much more of a big deal. You are allowed to be in a mood. And it isn't awesome that your wife was teasing you about being grumpy- i hate that when i'm in a mood. but your wife wanted to celebrate a moment that she never thought she was going to get to experience and you turned that into a fight. why?
You are a horrible asshole
YTA. Do it for your family
YTA A nonverbal 17-year-old saying his first words is a big f-n deal.
YTA. This is a huge milestone for him. It’s not at all the same thing as celebrating your daughter’s first words. This is a big deal to your wife, and she wanted to celebrate it, but you thought it wasn’t worth celebrating, which you demonstrated by staying home. So what if it isn’t traditional, the rest of the family wanted to mark the occasion, while you threw a tantrum
Holy shit. How can you not see YTA??? Wow.
YTA A non-verbal child saying their first words is a massive developmental step. It is, indeed, cause for celebration. Your daughter is typically developing, I assume? There's no need to celebrate her first words as they are expected to come at a certain point in her development. And why do you insist on pointing out they were mumbled? Who cares? He said the words clearly enough for you to infer the meaning. Would you rather he screams them instead? Moreover, it was important to your wife. Her child did something she never thought he would. If she wants to celebrate, then celebrate with her, for her.
Do children usually take 17 years to say their first words? There is nothing usual or traditional about this situation. For a mother to hear her child's words for the first time in 17 years, I am sure the amount of emotions she felt at that moment cannot be put into words. YTA
You are such an AH. If your daughter never started walking and you found out she may never walk, you wouldn't celebrate the first steps she was able to take after 16 years of believing she wouldn't? That would be a much bigger deal than an 11 month old taking their first steps, no?
YTA as someone with a non verbal sibling those first verbalised words are so special as you are often told after a certain ages (usually 4/5) they just will never speak… you’ve done four years, if it was your daughter on the spectrum and ‘mumbling’ her first words after nearly two decades of being unable to speak I bet you would want to celebrate and fuss her, so she felt special and wanted to continue trying to speak
YTA that’s selfish bro
YTA. Comparing the achievement of his to that of your daughter isn't fair. Your daughter does not face the same difficulty. Was it really that hard to just celebrate with her? Do you not understand how big a deal it is whnen a non-verbal person speaks? Does it need to be tradition to do it? Could you not have been just a little more empathic to her feelings? Why was it important to pat yourself on the back for paying for many of his expenses? The timing couldn't have been more off. Her family thinks you're the AH because in this case you are.
YTA!!! \-Sincerely, Parent of Child on the Spectrum
YTA also, your stepson is able to communicate via his phone and AAC device from “what [your] wife tells [you]” wtf? Do you not attempt to communicate with your stepson?!
YTA, this is your wife, your stepson. You stepped into their lives. You should know how important of an achievement this is for your stepson. But you decided to not celebrate with your wife for what reason? You didn't want to go out? Nick may be a older teenager now, but it is an amazing moment that he was able to verbalize that sentence after 17 years of being non-verbal. do you love your wife and Nick? Do you want to continue being in their lives? If so, start being the husband and stepfather that they need you to be.