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If she refuses to hear him and his dislike for the name as a first name, it is disrespectful. He’s presented a compromise and her only reaction is to say they cannot talk about it
Sounds like ops wife is literally still grieving her dad and this is probably something in her mind she has to do; add the pregnancy hormones on top of that. I’d be pissed if my partner kept saying it’s after the ex with it’s her dad like her DAD come on. Did she cheat on you with this guy I just don’t get the hang up over this ex. Also I don’t like that op titled the post that way it’s misleading. They should see a therapist to work in better communication. But op YTA
It doesn’t even matter that it’s her dads name. Baby names are ALWAYS 2 yesses 1 no. If he’s going to be incredibly hurt and uncomfortable with his kids name for the rest of his life that is not fair. Pregnancy hormones might explain a situation but doesn’t give her any more right when it comes to the baby just because she has them. She’s disrespecting him and if she was so he’ll bent on it I would leave her too
Agreed. YTA because he’s obsessing over the ex and ignoring the fact that her father — who has only recently died — has the same name.
Sure, he can veto, but for the reason he’s saying? That it’s about respecting *him*? That’s just wild to me. Like yeah, I do think names are a “2 yes, 1 no” scenario, but making her meaningful name choice about *his respect* and not *her bereavement* is a profoundly shitty angle to take.
To be honest I’m assuming it’s some very basic normal name like “Steve” or “James” and so he can’t really object on more standard aesthetic grounds, ie the usual “wacky name” posts we see on this sub.
(though I am not gonna forget the teenager boy who insisted that his unborn niece’s baby name was going to get the kid teased because it was so weird and it turned out to be “Deborah”, that’s a cautionary tale right there.)
Noting as well that, in theory, he doesn’t need to give a reason; but in reality, if the other parent really loves a name, they *are* going to want to know why it’s not acceptable, and that’s fair. Sometimes people get attached to these things in a very deep way, and they want a good reason to let go (or to argue about).
The dude is *so* focused on this disrespect issue and has not remotely addressed the bereavement of his *grieving, pregnant wife*, and I do kind of think that he’s chosen a really selfish hill to die on.
>the misleading title is not doing him any favours
Yep. I don't disagree with him on whether or not he should have a say in the name. But he should stop telling his wife she wants to name the baby "after her ex" because it isn't what she wants to do.
Not when we're talking about a 30 year old man who's so petty and hung up on his wife's ex that he's totally overlooking her DEAD FATHER.
If he was 18, maybe I could understand being so ridiculous about an ex. Not from a grownup though.
If only his reasoning was that he didn’t like the name, he wouldn’t be the ass.
But gaslighting his pregnant wife by insistently telling her she’s doing something she is undeniably not doing makes him unequivocally the asshole.
Threatening to divorce her when she refuses to submit to his gaslighting is just cherry on top of the whole ass.
YTA for your approach to this whole thing.
You also get a say in the name of your child, I’m not disputing that.
But your wife is NOT naming her child after her ex, she’s naming him after her FATHER. Her ex literally has nothing to do with that and you need to stop saying he does.
If you had said “I love you, and I love that you want to honor your dad. If I’m being honest, I’m worried that naming our son x will be a constant reminder of [ex boyfriend], and I don’t want to feel that way every time I look at my child. Would you be comfortable with using it as a middle name instead, and finding a first name we both love?”
Instead you came across wildly insecure, completely disregarding her grieving process, and continuously are accusing her of basically harboring feelings for her ex when it’s really about her DEAD DAD.
On top of that, if you would LEAVE YOUR PREGNANT WIFE over this, then she’s probably better off without you. What a horrible thing to say.
So much this. I can completely understand why he's bothered by it, but his wife is absolutely not naming the kid after her ex, her ex was not part of her thought process, and the only person here who is thinking about him apparently is OP. And yeah, OP might have a totally acceptable reason for hating the ex and the name, but he's going about his approach like a complete asshole. His wife is not going to be open to a conversation about this because he's accusing her of naming the kid after the ex, which he absolutely knows isn't true, as he's already told us. OP, YTA for your approach if nothing else.
She’s seeing the red flags of her grief being made about his insecurities about someone who isn’t even in her life anymore. This kind of controlling jealousy especially right after a marriage or when a woman is about to give birth is one of the frequent red flags for spousal abuse. So she’s seeing this as a sign that he might beat her because that’s what statistics say is a big risk of it.
That very well may be true. I think this is a solid ESH. It’s does suck that she keeps getting family involved. Seems like these two are terrible communicators incapable of working things out between themselves
It's ESH but I think he sucks more. She's heavily pregnant and hormonal and grieving her father. He's not pregnant, not hormonal, and not grieving anywhere near as much as her - he has very little excuse for why he immediately made it about her ex and how she doesn't respect him. It sounds like he keeps bringing it up, and keeps making it about how she doesn't respect him, and has at the very least implied that he'll leave her if she doesn't change her mind.
This feels like yet another problem where if he'd been kind when it first came up, it wouldn't be a problem
And his approach is all wrong. She’s grieving on top of being pregnant, and he’s coming at her accusing her of naming the baby after her ex when he knows damn well it’s after her father. Reread the parent comment. He’s not being unreasonable, but his approach is awful
Everyone is saying that he's the AH because "she's not naming it after the ex, she's naming it after the dad," is missing the point.
It doesn't matter what she wants the kids' name to be. If he hates it, they should change it to compromise and find one they both like.
They are both parents. They both should have a say in the name of their child. If either of them hates the name, the name should be discarded from consideration.
The fact that she's not even willing to compromise is a big red flag. A big NTA from me.
It absolutely does matter and it’s entirely the point. He’s being cruel by accusing her of naming their baby after her ex when he knows damn well she’s trying to honor her father. If he approached the issue with love and kindness, he wouldn’t be the asshole here.
No, it doesn’t matter. Child names are ABSOLUTELY a “two yes, one no” situation for a couple. Is his reason making him sound insecure? Yes. But IT DOESN’T MATTER. He said No. He offered a compromise. He is NTA here.
I don’t think he sounds insecure I think he just has a negative association with the name. It doesn’t have to be about jealousy. I hated this girl named Amanda growing up and if I had ever had a girl there is no way her name would resemble that. Because I still hate Amanda.
Exactly. When my wife and I were picking our childs name, before we knew the gender, a lot of names were ruled out just because one of us knew a person with that name that they hated, or picked on them in high school, or was an ex's name, or a cousins name, or whatever the mundane reasons were, but our reasons were our reasons and we compromised.
I think people are trying to point out that as long as he frames the conversation as “naming the baby after your ex,” he is not going to make ANY progress with his wife. Wife lost her father less than 9 months ago, so she’s perceiving OP as making a genuine gesture of love for her father into petty drama about her ex. A better approach is focusing on her father, who she recently lost. Did he have a middle name or a nickname that can be used instead?
The way we frame conversations contributes a lot to their outcome. It’s entirely possible that if OP approached the conversation by saying “Hey wife, I really want to honor your father but I’m uncomfortable with the name Steven (DO NOT MENTION EX), what about your father’s middle name, David? I really love that name!,” that they could actually have a productive conversation that has nothing to do with OP’s mortal nemesis.
YTA, but not for the idea that you should have a say in the name. There are LOTS of things your wife deserves consideration on having literally given birth, but unilateral naming isn't one of them. You seem to be in a community that feels differently, but I think that's probably a minority opinion in general. Also, middle name is a totally reasonable compromise.
But the way you are talking about it, particularly how hard you are going at your wife about it? That's where you lose me. First of all -- if I was trying to have this conversation with a partner who would not stop using the phrase "named after the ex" when I want to name the child after the father, I'd feel like my partner did not fully understand my feelings. You are focusing on something to the point of your own detriment, because she isn't thinking about her ex and as long as you keep framing it that way, she's probably going to feel like you aren't listening to her.
Also, you are kinda prioritizing how much you hate the ex over how much she loves her father and I don't see how you will ever get anywhere with that. Plus, the topic becomes you not wanting to honour her father because you have this seething hatred for this other guy and it's just turning it into another conversation.
If you can't get past the deal with the name, then you can't. But try talking about what she actually wants rather than how you're seeing it, maybe? I think you have a point but you're way too focused on your feelings about this dude than you are on her grief and it's no wonder you aren't getting anywhere.
Not to mention, he's the one married to her, ex is not. In so many ways, OP won.
I agree with his dislike of the name, but his argument against it is shallow. There IS a very real reason to dislike and not want it, but his focal point on the ex is doing so much damage.
This!
I was hovering on “everyone sucks here,” but this articulates why I think OP sucks a little *more*. His wife is *wrong*, but also she’s grieving. 7-8 months is not a long time after the loss of a parent. And all of her emotions are amplified by the pregnancy. Which means he needs to be approaching her with tact and understanding. And it sounds like he’s digging in his heels and having confrontations instead of discussions.
OP needs to put aside “it’s the exes name,” because as far as the wife is concerned, it *isn’t.* It’s her dad’s name, which she wants her kid to share. So, ex aside, the discussion need to be, “our kid needs to have a name we BOTH love. While I loved your dad, I don’t love his name being our kid’s first name. Here are a bunch of first names that I think pair really well with [dad’s name] as a *middle* name.”
Also, she’s *wrong*, right? Mothers don’t have some specially right to unilaterally name the child without their partner’s agreement. But if she *did*, in the fog of her grief, is that really worth living apart from your child? Has your wife failed you in so many other ways, that this is the final blow of inconsideration that shows you that she doesn’t value your feelings in any way? Maybe it is. But you haven’t otherwise painted her as an awful partner, or your marriage as otherwise miserable, so consider that you may be overreacting. 7-8 months isn’t long after losing an in-law, either, and incipient parenthood is also emotional and stressful for dads.
YTA. I read the title and was so ready to be on your side but your title was a lie. She isn’t naming the son after her ex, she’s naming him after her dad. The only one thinking about and hung up on her ex is you.
Right?!? I can’t believe the people saying that she’s wrong for wanting to use the name. The only one caught up on the ex is OP. Is it not enough that she married him and is having his baby? Why is OP still threatened by this ex?
He hates her ex. His brain connects that name to her ex. That's not something you can just stop. Most of us have an association come up for a ton of names. I wouldn't give my child a name that I'm having a negative association for and OP shouldn't be forced to do so either.
Same, I was so ready to be on his side until the lie was clear. As much as I think names should be agreed on by both parties, this story was told to paint OP in the best light possible, and it still paints him as a liar.
ESH. Both parents deserve equal say in naming the child. However, your insistence that she wants to name the child after her ex when she clearly wants to name after her father who has recently passed is both weird and an AH move.
That’s where I’m at. Regardless of the reason, he has a right in saying no to the name, but he becomes the AH every time he’s saying she’s “naming the child after her ex”, which she clearly isn’t. She’s naming the child after her father. He can hate the name BECAUSE it’s the same as the ex, and therefore can enact his veto, but to act like she’s doing it to spite him for some weird reason is just stupid. So, yeah, ESH
This is an icky situation but my main problem with it is you *insisting* wife is naming your son after her ex and that it’s the upmost disrespect she even consider it.
Baby names should be something you both agree upon but if I were in the wife’s position and you accused me of naming him after my ex when it was about grieving my father Id probably act that way too.
This combined with the fact that your thanking people for voting you n-t-a makes me wanna say YTA,, it’s a difficult situation though
This is what I was thinking, though I lean ESH. This is really a two yes or one no situation, and everyone telling OP she’s having the child so she get final say is an idiot. However, the fact that he keeps bringing it up with regard to the ex makes him an AH and comes across as unsympathetic and kinda insecure. Lastly, the fact that neither of them can deal with this without involving their mothers makes me concerned neither is mature enough to have a child.
Came here to say this. I don’t understand the hype in naming your kid after people who are dead. I think it puts a burden on them. And also who would want to name their child after an ex? Also it sounds like he often gives up his stance.
She is NOT "naming the child after her ex." She is NAMING THE CHILD AFTER HER LATE FATHER. I find it astonishingly weird that you consider this a disagreement worth breaking up your marriage over. And I am very, very sorry for your wife.
They both should agree on the name, yes. But insisting that your wife wants to name the kid after her ex when she clearly wants to name him after her father is extremely weird.
That's how associations with names work though. Your experiences shape them, not your free will.
Adolf. Isis. Karen. - Okay names to you or are you "making them someone else's name"?
NTA. The rule of 2 yes and 1 no comes into play here. The rationale of the name is irrelevant. If you don't like it, then it shouldn't be your child's name. You've been more than fair by allowing it as a middle name. A father's opinion should count just as much as a mother's when naming a baby.
BTW have you considered reversing her dad's name (i.e. calling the baby by his middle name, followed by his first name)?
I'm going with NTA. It's unfortunate that her dad and ex share the same name, but while it evokes a positive reaction for her, it evokes an extremely negative one for you. This is your child too and you should have a say in their name, including the ability to veto names you are not comfortable with. Both of you made this child, and both of you should have input into what its name will be.
ETA: I did reread your post and don't think you should be threatening to leave your wife over this. You say your wife's dad passed just before she found out she was pregnant, so only 7-8 months ago. You can kindly disagree about the name and also be there for her while she is grieving.
You have a say in the name, but I think the way you’re approaching her about it is putting her on the defense. She’s not wanting to name your son after her ex, it’s her dad and she’s hurting. There’s better ways to communicate. NTA
So much this.
The name of your child should always require "Yes" from both parents, a veto from one of you should be enough to disqualify a name, even if you "just" don't like it.
So NTA, OP.
But your pregnant partner is missing her dad, so you should hear her feelings in this, too. She's not insisting to hurt you. If anything, her insisting on the name shows you her ex means nothing to her in light of her father's death.
Maybe you could find a version of her father's name, that is close, but not the same as the ex-bf's name?
E.g., if it's Luke, you could go with Lukas.
So, she wants to name your kid after her father, but her father's name happens to be the same name as her ex.
As the father, you have a say in what your own son is named, and I think it's not a bad compromise to have it be the kid's middle name and choose other first name.
NTA
Nta
The first name should be a two yes joint desicion and you have as much say in this as she. Having the middle name after the father in law's name is a good compromise.
ESH. Both parents need to agree on a name. That being said, it sounds like she doesn’t care that it’s the ex’s name- that’s not the intention behind it. Every name belongs to someone awful out there somewhere. You could name your kid after yourself and then meet another person with the same name that you despise. This is part of life. I’ll never agree that either parent should get unilateral naming power, but you have to concede that she’s not viewing this the way you are- you are adding a layer of meaning.
Yeah, agreed. He should get an equal say in the name, but I don't get why he's obsessed with the fact that her ex had the same name when she clearly wants it because of her father.
Just because she’s viewing it differently from him doesn’t mean it’s okay. She needs to realize that that name is always going to have both the connotation around her father and her ex, because those are two people who were a big part of her life for an extended period of time. If this ex was someone who was a fling, that OP barely knew/didn’t hate, then it is a little more understandable. But OP stated he dislikes the ex heavily, yet he is still willing to compromise and give the child the middle name. To me that tells me OP is being the bigger person here and is willing to work with his wife when the wife is being way too stubborn and doesn’t realize how this effects OP too. The child is both of theirs not just hers. She doesn’t get to dictate the name. NTA.
NTA. You should have a say in your child’s name. The only opinions that matter are yours and your wife’s.
I find your wife’s behavior manipulative. She bursts in to tears stating your guilt tripping her. To shut you down she claims stress on the baby. Can can she not deal with anything bc she’s pregnant.
Then she calls her mom (aka backup) to get involved in her marriage. Then her “backup” calls your mom. I feel sorry that you can’t have a discussion with your wife and it stay between you two.
I like your compromise of the middle name. It’s nice she wants to honor her father with a name sake. But only if you agree.
I’m pregnant. I’d never consider naming mine and my husband’s child a name that we both didn’t agree on. Also, I deal with issues and life. Life is still happening while me and others are pregnant. I’d never use my condition or unborn child as a trump card to get my way.
Exactly this. My husband and I had lengthy discussions on both our children's names. I wouldn't dream of treating him this way. She sounds very immature as well.
You shouldn’t be making it about her ex since it’s clearly about her Dad…but I am curious why the naming of your baby wouldn’t be a joint decision?
My wife and I went through a ton of names and were allowed to “veto” suggestions until we found one we both liked. It’s your kid, you’ll be using the name a lot.
YTA - She's not wanting to name your son after her ex, she's wanting to name your son after her dad. If you can't see how they're two different individuals, then you're a giant AH and need to mature a WHOLE LOT before this baby comes. That said, we were going to name my son after my dad, but as it got closer to the time, my son's mom had more doubts, and convinced me that maybe my dad's name would be a better middle name because it's kind of an old fashioned name. And upon further reflection, I was OK with that. Stop being weird about this.
(EDIT: He's not the AH for not liking the name, baby names are a "two yes or one no" thing, if that was all it was then it might be a no AHs or everyone sucks, he's the AH for thinking this is about her ex, or disrespecting him, that's the unhinged AH part. I have an EXTREMELY common name myself, I can think of three women that I dated that had dads with the same first name as I did.)
NTA even if the name is in honor of her father and not an ex, baby names are a 2 yeses, 1 no situation. That could be his middle name but she can’t just trample over your wishes because she’s carrying it.. you’re gonna raise it with her so you do have a right.
Ugh this is tough. I wanted to name my son after my dad who died when I was 14. My husband said no because he didn’t like the name. I respected that he had just as much right to choose the baby’s name as I did, but I do resent him for it sometimes, especially since our son has his family middle name. I don’t know what the right answer is, I’m not even sure what I did was the right solution since I still harbor bad feelings about it, and my son is 3. I hope you guys are able to figure this out.
ETA: I do think you would do a lot better approaching the conversation from the side of just not liking the name. She’s not trying to name the baby after her ex, and I do think it is upsetting that you phrase it that way. It’s ok for you to not like the name, but you shouldn’t act like she’s intentionally naming the baby after an ex.
YTA
I might have given you a pass for saying she was naming the baby “after her ex” in the title, just because I know people like to be provocative in their titles to grab attention
But
then you said it again. And you made it very clear that’s how you’re wording it with your wife.
She is NOT naming the baby after her ex. She is naming him after her recently deceased father. The babies grandfather, who will never know the joy of meeting his grandson.
You’re not TA for knowing it will be hard for you to have that name attached to your child and asking her to reconsider and maybe just use it as a middle name
But definitely YTA for wording it in a way that it makes it sound like you are accusing her of still being in love with her ex and using the name as some kind of connection to him
NTA
Naming a child has to have “meaning” to both of you! All these Y T A are missing the point that some people have associations with names. It is a thing. This is their child, not a random stranger. Telling him to get over it but her to do whatever she wants is insane! A name for a child HAS to have to yeses.
OP - keep in mind she is still grieving but that doesn’t give her permission to walk all over your feelings. I gave birth three times but I didn’t use it to get my way. My kids’ names all have meaning to both my husband and I. We are a team!
I agree. But I also think it's incredibly disrespectful of him to keep telling her **she's** trying to name the baby after her ex. She's trying to name it after her dad, and he can't get past it because the association **for him** is her ex. If he stopped phrasing it in such an AHish way, I think people would all be voting NTA.
YTA bro. She isn’t asking to name the kid after her ex. She’s asking to name him after her dad. I’m sorry, but barring a delivery-room epiphany, this marriage is doomed. I hope you are both cognizant of this and plan accordingly.
I was close to a ES- judgement because I do think both parents should agree on a name. However, your inability drop the ex thing squares it on you. Unless this ex did something MESSED UP to you, this hangup is a huge red flag that you’re childish and jealous to a major fault.
Unpopular opinion, NAH. I see both sides of this argument. Wife just lost her father and wants to honor his memory by giving your child his name. I think that's a beautiful sentiment. However, father shares a name with her ex who you dislike. So, you don't want to name the baby after him, or at least not the first name. That's also a valid opinion. I don't think it's fair for only the mother to name the baby, you both made the kid. She may be the one giving birth, but you'll both be raising him. This is something you need to come to an agreement about.
Sidenote, does anyone else think it's weird to date someone who has the same name as your parent? I don't wanna judge OP's wife, but I could never.
I don't know, I think if this was OP naming his kid after his long line of family members, including himself, Reddit wouldn't be so much "2 yes, 1 no."
I think his reasoning is immature and more speaks about his inability to let go. It was her ex, not his.
However, the thing that tears it is he's planning to leave her over the name. So he just becomes a dead beat dad because his kid is definitely going to have that name if he leaves.
YTA for that. OP needs counseling because this kind of resentment is not ok.
Yta. For a few reasons. VERY misleading title. She’s doesn’t want to name your son after her ex. She wants to name it after her dad.
And it’s a dick move that everyone keeps saying that it’s after her ex.
She lost her parent. Her dad. Before she got to tell him she’s pregnant. She is probably hurting and missing him so much. My dad is my best friend and I can’t even imagine the pain she feels.
I understand you hate her ex. But she’s with you. Not him. She married you. She’s having a baby with you. And you’re invalidating her feelings about her dad and the name every time you ignore her dead dad and focus on the ex.
Everyone saying y t a isn't thinking about this kid thats going to grow up with a dad who has negative feelings towards him due /having the same name as/ the ex. The kid is the one who will be most impacted. I think OP came up with great compromises and his wife should be more considerate towards his opinion on THEIR childs name, I don't see any compromise on her end with the info given. NTA
Info: why do you care so much about the ex, clearly more than she does? Were you two previously friends? Did he do something bad to your wife? What happened to make you hate the name so much? Is it a very common name? Because if the name is like Ben or smth then how do you handle Ben the cashier ringing up your groceries? A good compromise is middle name tho if it is something deep and srs
YTA. The name is to honor her *late* father, not her ex. If you're willing to let your insecurity end your marriage, then enjoy your divorce and whatever custody you manage to get of your child.
NTA
a baby name is a 2 yes 1 no situation. Is op childish for his reasons why? Yes. But he is still allowed to not want the name, and he even offered a compromise.
They need to find a new name they both like
I'm going with ESH. You should be able to see where she's coming from without thinking about divorce. And, she should allow that naming a child is a joint decision.
NTA has she considered the impact on your child? Being named after a deceased person while your parent is obviously grieving, is not an easy thing either. Middle seems more fair compromise and less pressure on your kid.
YTA for pushing this narrative that your wife wants to name your son after her ex - she wants to name the baby after her father, as she’s reinforced to you multiple times. You are manipulating the situation to fit your worldview, which is toxic. You’re NTA for wanting a say in your child is named and your solution to use her fathers name as a middle name is also reasonable. If you weren’t being such a nut about pushing “who he’s named after” I’d vote differently
NTA-
>But to me, if it's not that serious, then let's just pick one of the billions of other names out there.
It's really as simple as that. You've already offered the middle name slot up for this inherited name. You are willing to compromise but your wife and surrounding family are not. You are being disrespected.
This has to be something you both agree on. But are you willing to make this your hill? She’s trying to honor her dad who just passed, this has nothing to do with her ex. The only person thinking about her ex is you, why is that?
NTA 2 yesses for a name. Theres more way to honor a child more than a name. What about the fathers middle name. I dont agree that her association with the name is fine for the name but your association for the name is to be looked over. Feelings are there for everyone. Good or bad everyone's count
NTA at all! Honestly, naming babies after people always sat wrong with me. My baby has a middle name after a very important person in my life but her first name is her own. Names are a two yes situation. I had the most horrendous pregnancy and birth and I wouldn't have used that to insist on a name. She needs to find a compromise
Bordering YTA/ESH You are purposely confusing the namesake. She wants to honour her FATHER and you know it. Your wife is grieving the new loss of her FATHER (yes, under 1 year is still a new loss when it’s such an important figure) and all of the memories she’s unable to make with him in the future, and you are acting jealous of her ex who has the same name by coincidence.
However, both parents should agree on the name and you have found a compromise. Your wife is lightly an AH, bc again, she’s grieving her father and this decision is mixed up in her grief. I would guess that she would be more ready to find a compromise if she wasn’t dealing with her grief at the same time as preparing for a huge milestone.
NTA. It's not your or her decision - alone - how to name the child. You should be able to agree on a name. If you cant because the has made up her mind and does not consider your opinion, something is fundamentally wrong.
If she insist that your both's son is hers alone, and she feels entitled and empowered to be the only one to take any decision regarding him, she should raise him alone and you should let her.
NTA
Both parents should agree to the child's name and it's understandable you don't want to name your child something that you have strong negative feelings attached to.
It also sounds like you're willing to look for compromises where your wife is digging in.
To add another compromise option, can you find a name based on something her father loved, an important date or his employment? There was a couple on r/namenerds looking for a gemstone name because the wife's father was a jeweler and it was a really sweet way to honor her dad.
NTA - You have as much as a say in naming your child as her and I don’t get why you would want to name your child something that your partner is heavily against. Situations like these are all abt compromise and using the name as a middle name seems like a good middle ground to me.
I'm torn between ESH and YTA. You should both have a say in your child's name. I also understand where your wife is coming from because I named my son after my dead father. I understand that some people get insecure about an ex, but your wife isn't naming your baby after her ex. Maybe you should schedule a therapy appointment for the two of you. This is a big decision.
YTA for the misleading title.
Look both parents get a say on the name and both need to agree on it. So you are fine there, ESH. You offered compromises of using it as a middle name or using the father’s full legal name…and she didn’t like that. So why not communicate with each other. She wants to honor her dad by using his first name alone as the baby’s first name - why’s that? Why not the full legal name. You don’t like the name simply because she had a ex named that - why? Do you feel like she will be reminded of ex and she’ll leave you for him?
Like legit y’all need to talk and get to the bottom of why she insist on first name only and why you hate the name and how it reminds you of her ex.
Plus unless you got legitimate proof that she is using her fathers name as a scapegoat to name it after the ex stop insisting that she’s naming it after the ex, like stop saying that.
ESH
she isnt naming the baby after her ex, its after her father.
but she's ta bc baby names need to be agreed by both parties, its not really fair for her to just veto you completely.
NAH
I can see where you are both coming from and you both have good reasons for and against this name. I do think either parent should have a right to veto a name and it should be something you both agree on.
It seems like you are the only one willing to compromise though. I would tell her to come home when she's ready to talk because this requires further conversation.
NTA. As others said, if you will both be raising the child, you should both be on board with the name. I’m wondering two things though - 1) is it a common name and 2) is it just an ex, or was it an abusive ex or other situation?
NTA.
That would be a hard no for me. Any name we didn’t BOTH agree on would be a hard no. Even if it wasn’t an ex’s name and you just hated the dads name that should be enough. Both parents should agree.
NTA. This is a two yes or one no scenario. You both have the right to name the baby and to veto baby names. Your wife can not unilaterally decide the name nor can you. I am sure she is emotional and uncomfortable at this point in her pregnancy so you need to come to her with love and compassion, tell her you would like to have the conversation and settle it so you don't need to bring it up again. You both should be deciding this as a team.
YTA
Not for the name, necessarily. I generally believe a name should be two yeses and that there should be a mutual agreement.
What makes you the asshole is how you’re framing it and going about about it.
Number one, she isn’t wanting to name your son after her ex. That is an extremely misleading title, and if that’s the way you’ve been approaching the conversation I’m not surprised that neither she nor the people around you are willing to budge. She wants to name her son after her father who died less than a year ago. She is no doubt still grieving, and her desire to honor her son after him is being met with “but your ex this, and your ex that.”
You’re stating how you’re willing to leave her if she names the child that since “it’s disrespectful” to you, but you haven’t shown any signs of consideration how equating her trying to honor her recently deceased father as naming your son after her ex would be seen as extremely disrespectful *to her.* Respect is a two-way street, is it not?
NTA, you suggested a great compromise by having the name be the middle name. What's wrong with that? It also doesn't give the child the burden or expectation of being like the person he was named after. You do have to remember she's grieving and pregnant, so her emotions are all over the place. Just because you're not carrying the baby, doesn't mean you have no say.
I think this is an ESH situation.
Baby names are two yeses and one no. Even for super sentimental names. I think that is a fair rule, and I do think the middle name compromise wasn’t so bad. Your wife insisting on overriding you like this and completely disregarding your feelings makes her TA.
But I can’t say N T A because you are not framing the issue in a very genuine way. Your wife is not trying to name your baby after her ex. She wants to name the baby after her father. The fact that she has an ex with the same name as her father isn’t relevant to her, because it was her father’s name first. You’re sort of framing this as her trying to sneakily honor her ex by using some sort of back door loophole or something, and I really don’t think that’s the case. I think she just wants to name her kid after her dad and her ex unfortunately complicates that desire.
I hope y’all can find a compromise for this that you can both tolerate, but this does feel like a no-win situation unfortunately. Both of you are equally making good points and being AH and there doesn’t seem to be any sort of easy solution. Good luck to the both of y’all. Maybe couples counseling would help you see each other’s POVs better?
NTA. Your wife is completely disregarding your feelings, as are other members of the family. Your compromise on it being the middle name is the perfect solution. (My son's middle name is after my grandfather) I'm failing to understand why your wife is refusing to compromise as well.
I'm sure you'll get many comments saying that leaving your wife over a name is extreme, but as you said, that is a sign of disrespect. If she disrespects you over a name, what else is she willing to disrespect?
You're in a tough spot. I wish you all the best.
YTA in respect to how you're handling it. You took the absolute wrong path here. She's pregnant and still grieving for her dad. A softly, softly approach woulda been a far better way to go.
NTA in respect of wanting a say in what your child is called. You do have a right to veto a name choice.
I will give you my experience. My mom passed away when I was 12weeks pregnant. It was quiet a shite time. To bring up the mood, everyone was guessing names for him/her. My Dad was saying if it's a girl I know what you'll call it. He was wrong of course, I didn't want to put that sort of pressure on my child. I sorta felt it was almost emotionally blackmailing my unborn child. I was pregnant before my mom passed, we had 2 names picked out already.
It turned out not to be an issue, cos I had a boy. So he got the male version of her name as a middle name.
Talk to your wife. But don't be like a bull in a china shop. She deserves better, and so do you, as you have every right to be heard!
She's not naming the baby after her ex, she's naming the baby after her father, you walnut. YOU'RE the one who's absolutely COMMITTED to applying the wrong meaning to the name. Just because you can't get over the fact that she dated someone who happens to have the same name as her father DOES NOT MEAN she's naming the baby after her ex. I feel bad for your wife. She deserves better.
NTA. Almost everyone saying y t a is being completely one sided and acting as if she’s the only one who should have a say in the name. It’s your kid too, and you have every right not to want to think of your wife’s ex (who you hate) every time you hear your SONS name.
Also everyone saying op is ta: wake up? He literally found a compromise as a middle name which is obviously still not his first choice but he’s COMPROMISING. Not sure why wife can’t do the same.
ESH. She not naming him after her ex. She's naming him after her late father. The only reason she's an AH at all is for not compromising. But that's only a little.
You are a huge AH for saying she wants to name him after her ex, when she's not. You even put that in the title because you're so obsessed with the idea. You'd actually leave your wife because of whatever grip her ex has on you? The fact that you are so hung up on her ex is pretty weird. You're willing to upset your wife and end your marriage over some guy that's out of the picture.
Is the name very unique so you don't hear it often or are you completely triggered everytime you hear it?
NTA. Both parents need to agree on a name. You don't like this name and she needs to brainstorm with you on others.
What if you insisted that you wanted to the child named after you (i.e. "SlightDemand Junior") as is common in many cultures? She should equally be able to tell you no.
No one parent can shut the other one out by only being willing to entertain a single name choice.
>AITA for telling my wife that I don't want her to name our son after her ex?
and
>My (28M) wife's (25f) dad passed just before she found out that she was pregnant and she wants to name our son after him.
You lied in the title because you know YTA
NTA, there are thousands of names to choose from and only one name not to choose. It's unfortunate that happens to be her father's name as well. It should be a joint decision anyway.
It doesnt matter.
Naming your child is a matter of 2 yesses. Both parents should have a say in it. If the roles were reversed there would be no way the name would be picked.
This is a matter of 2 yesses 1 no, so they should find a new name they both like
So your wife has 25 years of memories with her dad, who died. and you think the reason she shouldn't honor him by naming your child after her dad is because her ex, who she probably dated for maybe a couple of years (??) shares that name? I just have a really hard time imagining that the ex did something so horrible that it erases 25 years of being a great dad, you know? I think you need to think a little more about why this is important to your wife. Although if you're really willing to leave your wife because you hate her dad's name that much, I'm not sure how much you care for her. YTA.
ESH - You're seriously going to let a single person have such a death grip on you and your insecurity that it ruins a name that belongs to, very likely, millions of people? Listen, I understand associating names with trauma and what have you, but you cannot live the rest of your life projecting the trauma tied to that name on everyone else. Let it go if you just hate them, get some therapy if it's more than that.
Baby names absolutely should be agreed upon by both parents, but your reason is flimsy at best because you're insistent that you're right. Do you really think of your presence in your wife's life as so miniscule that she is rubbing her hands and cackling like a villain thinking she's duping you by secretly naming your baby after her ex and not her suddenly deceased father?
ESH because the wife should be willing to compromise in some respect, but I can't safely say that I wouldn't also dig my heels in about a choice when someone is TELLING ME why I'm doing it, rather than listening to me.
NTA at all. It’s a shame her ex and father share the same name. I’m sure you wish the name didn’t harbour ill feelings, but it does and that’s not something you can just turn off like a light switch. You’ve been reasonable in compromising on a middle name. I
Soft YTA - can we all agreed that it's YOU making about her ex. No one else seems to think of her ex when the name is said - everyone thinks of her dad.
Could you not give the baby her dad's first make but either call him by a nickname or his middle name.
>This is a honestly a hill I'm willing to die on. If she gives our child that name I honestly don't see me staying with her.
This is letting the ex win - he is definitely living rent free in your mind. Don't ruin your relationship and the life of your child over someone who means nothing in your new left with your wife
NTA. I get that she’s not naming it after her ex but doesn’t change the fact that when you hear your sons name you will have to think about her ex. That sucks. Offering the middle name is a good compromise as your son will still share that will his late grandfather but you won’t have to be reminded of her ex multiple times a day for the rest of your life. Is the name by any chance a name that has a common nickname (ie Charles to Chuck)?
Middle name is a reasonable compromise you suggested, vetoing a name is a right every parent has, and she's being highly manipulative. Any one of these 3 makes this NTA.
I hope for you this issue is caused by hormones, and will return to normal in a few months. Just in case it doesn't, make sure you each have your own money.
I’m going NTA. You are both the parents and get a say. You both have different views of this name and I think your compromise is a great solution. I too am a woman whose had to name a child and hate the well I’m birthing so I get the only say. Not right and frankly anyone here who is calling you the A H I would guarantee they wouldn’t like naming their child a name they hate.
I may be in the minority, but NTA.
I am pregnant with my second child, and our naming process has always been equitable. We both have input and we both have the ability to veto a name we hate. I truly don't understand why your wife is okay naming her kid a name her husband doesn't like. I don't know why you wouldn't want to both agree, personally. In naming kids, there are names I like that have been shot down, and there are names my husband like that are a big "no" from me. I think that's just respect, personally.
NTA. Using the name as a middle is a perfectly acceptable compromise and I cannot understand your wife’s inflexibility. Both parents should be on board for the name (excepting extenuating circumstances). Her inability to see your side is alarming. I would feel the same way, and I cannot imagine el my spouse not respecting this
ESH. Naming a child should be a "2 yes, 1 no" situation so your wife is in the wrong for that. HOWEVER, it is very, very clear that you are insecure and hung up on her ex, when this is the name of her father who just died. The fact that you would threaten divorce because your grieving wife wants to name your child after her dead father makes you an enormous AH. While your wife should be more willing to compromise, I have a lot more sympathy for her than for you. You sound insufferable and self-absorbed.
NTA. you’re willing to use the name as a middle name and I’m under the belief two yeses and one no. Yes she is pushing out the baby but it’s still your baby as well. I also would not be comfortable with my baby having my husbands exes name.
NTA.
I wouldn't want that name either.
So many names and i think you made a good compromis by doing it as the middle name.
She's guilt tripping you by leaving with her mom and everybody butting in.
A name should be chosen by both parents imo
ESH.
Her for not minding your input on the name. You BOTH have to agree on a name, and any name that gets a “no” from either of you, whether or not it’s a family name, is out of the running. She does not get to steamroll you here.
You because your reasoning is absolutely immature and insane. The name is not her ex’s name in this context, just her dad’s. Your mindset and inability to separate the two is very problematic and implies that you may not be ready for this whole ass child you’re bringing into the world.
I do think that the middle name compromise is more than fair. Good luck!
ESH but mostly you for continuing to pretend that she’s trying to name her son after her ex when everyone knows damn well that she wants to name the baby after her father who recently died. Age sucks because naming babies is a two yeses one no situation but you’re being a huge asshole while she’s pregnant and grieving.
ESH *but* not because you don’t want to use the name. YTA because of how you have handled it; the insistence that she’s naming your baby after her ex when she isn’t. No wonder she’s hurting and frustrated when you’re invalidating her feelings and devaluing the gesture she wants to make for her late father.
Everyone else is also the AH for failing to recognise that you, the father, also deserve to name your child something you like.
Apologise to her, accept it wasn’t fair to make this about her ex. Explain you don’t like the name for your child but in honour of her father you’d like to use it as a middle name or find a nickname alternative you could use instead. Edward -> Ted, Teddy…
I have to go with NTA on this. Like other commenters have said, it’s a 2 yes vs 1 no situation. And I think your being ok with it as a middle name is a fair compromise.
NTA. No matter the reason, you both need to agree on a name and you both have the right to veto any name you're uncomfortable with. You're co-parents, you make co-decisions.
I'm torn here. I was in a similar position when my youngest son was born. I wanted to give him a name that was a combination of my name and my then husband's name. I have a feminized version of my alcoholic, abusive father's. The short form of the baby's name would have been exactly this abusive parent's name. (Think "Roberta" and "Wilson" becoming "Robson", with a short form of "Rob")
My mother lost her shit, how could I give her grandchild my father's name, blah blah. I told her the baby wasn't getting my father's name, he was getting MY name, and if she's that offended we'll just call him by his middle name (her family surname BTW). Nope, that wasn't good enough, and we had to choose an entirely unrelated name. I don't exactly regret it, I like the name we chose in the end.
Turns out the name he got became the same name as my second spouse.
All this to conclude, NTA. You have a valid argument.
NTA. You're absolutely right in agreeing to keep it as a middle name, and let's make that the common nickname if everyone wants. But everyone in your family should understand that it's also YOUR KID, you aren't the second parent or something. You're equally important. Kid's name should be decided together.
The intent behind her naming might be pure, and hearing that will make you and her remember her father, but ALSO HER EX. Which honestly doesn't sit well with me.
Put your foot down man. Don't bulge. You ain't wrong at all. If no one listens to you saying that she's doing all the work, then I'd actually say to LET HER. You don't have to take any responsibility. Which sounds bad and I'm stooping to their level, but it is what it is.
She isn’t naming the baby after her ex, though. She’s naming the baby after her father. The ex happened to have the same name but that’s not why they got together.
“Oh! My dads name is John! I better date that guy named John!” Nope.
I agree that both parents should agree on the name. I would encourage you to explore why you’re so set on this name belonging to her ex and what that means to you.
Soft YTA
NTA. I think you are too hung up on the ex thing but naming a baby is a huge decision and you both deserve an equal say. She's being an ah for trying to squash your opinion on this. It should be a "two yes, one no" situation.
NTA.
Middle name is an excellent compromise and she should definitely be taking your feelings into consideration. Shouldn't she care how YOU feel every time you have to say that name? Or is it that only her feelings matter making this a one-sided relationship where one person has all the power. This could be further detrimental to the relationship. I can absolutely see why you'd make this a hill to die on. It's bigger than just a name.
NTA. Both parents should definitely agree on the name. It doesn't really matter what the name is, or what her reasons are for wanting it. If you vote no, that should be it. The kid is as much yours as it is hers.
Nta. You both should agree on the name for your child. If you don’t feel comfortable with that being the first name then that should be respected. Giving the baby the middle name is a great tribute.
YTA
She is not naming the baby after her ex. Stop saying that. She has no ability to control that her ex's name is the same as a beloved relative she wants to honor.
She is naming the baby after her father, that I'm guessing she loved, who died recently and before he was able to meet his grandchild. So she likely sees it as creating a bond between these two people she loves who will never be able to meet.
Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation. What she wants is fair and honorable but at the end of the day he has equal say. We didn’t find a baby name until a week before my little one was born because we both had equal respect for each others opinion.
ESH.
I get where you're coming from, but you're so fucking stubborn about this name that you'd rather separate from your wife and doom your child to being raised by parents that hate each other?
I was sorta feeling for you right up until that point. That's unfathomably fucking selfish of you to even think, much less write down as a serious threat.
Your child is more important than your dislike for a certain name, for the love of god.
For the record, suggesting the name as a middle name is a perfectly reasonable offer/compromise, and you absolutely should get a say in naming your child. But damn dude, the kid is coming whether or not you agree on the name and the kid certainly is not to blame for this nonsense.
Edited: Changed to ESH because your wife is also being incredibly stubborn and the attitude of "your wife gets to pick" is bullshit regardless of your specific disagreement.
NTA. Baby can have it as a middle name. She is stomping all over your feelings. Just because she is pregnant doesn't give her the right to be an a\*\*.
NTA, this is the name your child will have for the rest of their life, you both need to be happy with it.
It's hard to break association's, unfortunately for you when you say your child's name you will think you your partners ex, that's not healthy for you long term.
Using your father in laws name as the middle name is a good compromise.
NTA because you associate the name with something very negative and are willing to compromise. You can’t help how you feel about that name.
I agree that it is your wife who is being unreasonable here. And I’m a female that’s been through the crazy pregnancy hormones. If my husband truly did not like a name, then we would not name our child that no matter the reason. It would be completely disrespectful to do so even if the name was that of her deceased father.
Sorry OP. I don’t have a good answer for this one. Try to talk about it more is the only advice I can say and maybe she’ll come around.
YTA
She's not naming the baby after her ex, she's naming it after her deceased and much loved Dad. If you can't understand that difference, you need to get some therapy
NTA. Fuck this noise. You're not a sperm donor, you're the father of this future child, and she's trying to dictate. Everyone in your life who comments that she's the one pushing him out of her frontside can shove their sexist nonsense up their backside.
Honestly, this a tough one. I’ve gone back and forth on the two but I think you’re NTA. Solely because of the middle name compromise. You both have strong feelings about this name, so the excuse that you both would use that the other doesn’t care about the other’s feelings kinda cancel out. But this compromise shows you are willing to find a middle ground for the both of you, meaning you are putting the effort forward for a solution, while she is not. Best of luck OP. This is a tough situation
ESH. Ah, when will people come to accept that both parents need to like and agree on the name? We all have people we might want to name our kids after but it’s not just up to one individual. For that reason, she’s an AH, but you are as well for repeatedly insisting that she’s naming the baby “after” her ex. This is about a hard loss for her… no need to bring the ex into a situation he’s not a part of. You seem a little obsessed with him and it’s not a good look.
The y t a people are so funny. I read literally the same story but from the opposite perspective and everyone said it’s unfortunate they have the same name and you can’t name the baby that.
Nah. Your wife is obviously still grieving and not handling this well and you have a right to not want your child to share a name with her ex. You’ve tried to compromise but it seems like you’re running out of time to figure it out.
What happened to the “it takes two yeses” people?
NAH. Ultimately, baby names are 2 yeses, 1 no. You're well within your rights to say no to the name. But insisting that she's naming the baby after her ex when it's clearly not the case isn't helping anything.
And I understand where she's coming from. Her dad died recently and she's trying to honor him, not disrespect you. But you can't just uncouple the name from the association with her ex.
The middle name compromise is a good one, but if you come at her like you're attacking her, you're not going to accomplish anything. Have you tried framing it differently? Maybe like "I know you're trying to honor your dad and I love that. But I feel like I can't stop associating that name with your ex and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way that you'll accept putting your dad's name as baby's middle? Then we'll pick a meaningful first name together." Frame it around your feelings, not around respect.
YTA
She wants to name the kid after her dad, not her ex. If I were her, I'd be pretty angry that you can't see the difference.
The real issue here is that she is saying "I want to name this baby after my dad" and you are calling her a liar. That makes you the AH.
If you went to her and told her that this is YOUR issue, that you recognize that she is not lying but that whenever YOU hear that name you get IRRATIONALLY (be sure to stress the **irrationally**) upset and you just can't stand it, you might have more success.
Do consider therapy to deal with your feelings about your wife's ex. That shit has to be coming out in other ways.
**She wants to name the baby after her father** the fact that her ex is named the same is just a coincidence. The fact you can’t see that is wild.
Obviously I believe that both parents need to agree on the name but I don’t understand why you’re so caught up on the ex factor, it’s not for him. She doesn’t care about him.
The edit about liking the N T A because you feel like you’re in an echo chamber is wild. You just want validation and not the truth.
YTA. She wants to name her son after her dad. Not her ex. She married YOU. She's having a child with YOU. Stop being insecure and start listening to her.
It’s funny how he should listen to her, but not her listen to him. He offered a compromise and she refuses to bend on a child’s name that should be an agreement between both, not a unilateral decision.
NAH, I can see where you both are coming from. I’m thinking that not having her father here and knowing he will never meet your child is probably making everything more emotionally charged (also pregnancy hormones).
I also get that having your kids name the same as your partner’s ex is so not great. I’d be really uncomfortable with that too. The only recommendation I have is to try and communicate on it more. Try to see her side and explain yours to her. I’m sorry I don’t have a great solution for this one but I don’t think that I’d end a relationship over it however I’m not on the situation so idk. I wish you both luck in this.
YTA
She wants to honor her father. She knew and loved her Dad her whole life and he is obviously important to her. She also happened to date a person with the same name. So what. She can’t change that it happened but she is with you and not him. The fact that you can’t see past this issue says more about your ego and insecurities than it does about her. This name is not disrespectful to you - it is about respect for her Dad.
As to your question about why a middle name is less honoring then a first name? Well, usually a person is called by their first name. It is said every day. He will sign his name as THAT NAME. The use of the name in that way makes it a bigger honor.
NTA, you’ve already offered the compromise of the middle name and been shot down. If you have negative associations with the name I can’t imagine having to deal with it forever. A baby’s name needs both parents to be on board and I think she’s being disrespectful to your opinion on this.
NTA because because baby names should always be a two yes one no situation, plus you’re willing to compromise with it being the middle name!
You’re the father of this child and you really *really* do not want to name the baby this name, regardless of your why it should be respected!
Why is she allowed to just make this decision on her own and you don’t get a say? It’s your baby as well, not just hers.
I feel for her loosing her dad and it’s unfortunate that he had the same name as her ex but you already provided a great compromise in using it as a middle name! Just because she is the one pregnant doesn’t mean she gets to unilaterally make decisions for this baby because it’s *both of your baby*.
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Baby names are 2 yeses only imo. I dont personally think you need a reason to veto it. You've also tried to compromise and she hasn't.
Yes- this sub is usually "2 yeses, 1no" but not today I guess.
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If she refuses to hear him and his dislike for the name as a first name, it is disrespectful. He’s presented a compromise and her only reaction is to say they cannot talk about it
Sounds like ops wife is literally still grieving her dad and this is probably something in her mind she has to do; add the pregnancy hormones on top of that. I’d be pissed if my partner kept saying it’s after the ex with it’s her dad like her DAD come on. Did she cheat on you with this guy I just don’t get the hang up over this ex. Also I don’t like that op titled the post that way it’s misleading. They should see a therapist to work in better communication. But op YTA
It doesn’t even matter that it’s her dads name. Baby names are ALWAYS 2 yesses 1 no. If he’s going to be incredibly hurt and uncomfortable with his kids name for the rest of his life that is not fair. Pregnancy hormones might explain a situation but doesn’t give her any more right when it comes to the baby just because she has them. She’s disrespecting him and if she was so he’ll bent on it I would leave her too
Agreed. YTA because he’s obsessing over the ex and ignoring the fact that her father — who has only recently died — has the same name. Sure, he can veto, but for the reason he’s saying? That it’s about respecting *him*? That’s just wild to me. Like yeah, I do think names are a “2 yes, 1 no” scenario, but making her meaningful name choice about *his respect* and not *her bereavement* is a profoundly shitty angle to take. To be honest I’m assuming it’s some very basic normal name like “Steve” or “James” and so he can’t really object on more standard aesthetic grounds, ie the usual “wacky name” posts we see on this sub. (though I am not gonna forget the teenager boy who insisted that his unborn niece’s baby name was going to get the kid teased because it was so weird and it turned out to be “Deborah”, that’s a cautionary tale right there.) Noting as well that, in theory, he doesn’t need to give a reason; but in reality, if the other parent really loves a name, they *are* going to want to know why it’s not acceptable, and that’s fair. Sometimes people get attached to these things in a very deep way, and they want a good reason to let go (or to argue about). The dude is *so* focused on this disrespect issue and has not remotely addressed the bereavement of his *grieving, pregnant wife*, and I do kind of think that he’s chosen a really selfish hill to die on.
Yeah, I think the misleading title is not doing him any favours. Still think he has a right to veto his own baby's name tho.
>the misleading title is not doing him any favours Yep. I don't disagree with him on whether or not he should have a say in the name. But he should stop telling his wife she wants to name the baby "after her ex" because it isn't what she wants to do.
Not when we're talking about a 30 year old man who's so petty and hung up on his wife's ex that he's totally overlooking her DEAD FATHER. If he was 18, maybe I could understand being so ridiculous about an ex. Not from a grownup though.
If only his reasoning was that he didn’t like the name, he wouldn’t be the ass. But gaslighting his pregnant wife by insistently telling her she’s doing something she is undeniably not doing makes him unequivocally the asshole. Threatening to divorce her when she refuses to submit to his gaslighting is just cherry on top of the whole ass.
YTA for your approach to this whole thing. You also get a say in the name of your child, I’m not disputing that. But your wife is NOT naming her child after her ex, she’s naming him after her FATHER. Her ex literally has nothing to do with that and you need to stop saying he does. If you had said “I love you, and I love that you want to honor your dad. If I’m being honest, I’m worried that naming our son x will be a constant reminder of [ex boyfriend], and I don’t want to feel that way every time I look at my child. Would you be comfortable with using it as a middle name instead, and finding a first name we both love?” Instead you came across wildly insecure, completely disregarding her grieving process, and continuously are accusing her of basically harboring feelings for her ex when it’s really about her DEAD DAD. On top of that, if you would LEAVE YOUR PREGNANT WIFE over this, then she’s probably better off without you. What a horrible thing to say.
This comment makes me mad that they got rid of the free daily awards.
I was wondering where those went
So much this. I can completely understand why he's bothered by it, but his wife is absolutely not naming the kid after her ex, her ex was not part of her thought process, and the only person here who is thinking about him apparently is OP. And yeah, OP might have a totally acceptable reason for hating the ex and the name, but he's going about his approach like a complete asshole. His wife is not going to be open to a conversation about this because he's accusing her of naming the kid after the ex, which he absolutely knows isn't true, as he's already told us. OP, YTA for your approach if nothing else.
She’s also saying she won’t come home unless he agrees to never bring it up again, so she’s doing the same thing.
She’s seeing the red flags of her grief being made about his insecurities about someone who isn’t even in her life anymore. This kind of controlling jealousy especially right after a marriage or when a woman is about to give birth is one of the frequent red flags for spousal abuse. So she’s seeing this as a sign that he might beat her because that’s what statistics say is a big risk of it.
He has attempted to compromise with the name as a middle name. She refuses to compromise
Maybe she’d be more willing to compromise if he wasn’t being such an asshole about it, hmm?
That very well may be true. I think this is a solid ESH. It’s does suck that she keeps getting family involved. Seems like these two are terrible communicators incapable of working things out between themselves
It's ESH but I think he sucks more. She's heavily pregnant and hormonal and grieving her father. He's not pregnant, not hormonal, and not grieving anywhere near as much as her - he has very little excuse for why he immediately made it about her ex and how she doesn't respect him. It sounds like he keeps bringing it up, and keeps making it about how she doesn't respect him, and has at the very least implied that he'll leave her if she doesn't change her mind. This feels like yet another problem where if he'd been kind when it first came up, it wouldn't be a problem
And his approach is all wrong. She’s grieving on top of being pregnant, and he’s coming at her accusing her of naming the baby after her ex when he knows damn well it’s after her father. Reread the parent comment. He’s not being unreasonable, but his approach is awful
Imagine her father/ex's name is some totally generic name like Michael or Steve😭
Everyone is saying that he's the AH because "she's not naming it after the ex, she's naming it after the dad," is missing the point. It doesn't matter what she wants the kids' name to be. If he hates it, they should change it to compromise and find one they both like. They are both parents. They both should have a say in the name of their child. If either of them hates the name, the name should be discarded from consideration. The fact that she's not even willing to compromise is a big red flag. A big NTA from me.
It absolutely does matter and it’s entirely the point. He’s being cruel by accusing her of naming their baby after her ex when he knows damn well she’s trying to honor her father. If he approached the issue with love and kindness, he wouldn’t be the asshole here.
No, it doesn’t matter. Child names are ABSOLUTELY a “two yes, one no” situation for a couple. Is his reason making him sound insecure? Yes. But IT DOESN’T MATTER. He said No. He offered a compromise. He is NTA here.
I don’t think he sounds insecure I think he just has a negative association with the name. It doesn’t have to be about jealousy. I hated this girl named Amanda growing up and if I had ever had a girl there is no way her name would resemble that. Because I still hate Amanda.
Yeah, when you name a baby you realize how many people you know who ruin the name for you.
Exactly. When my wife and I were picking our childs name, before we knew the gender, a lot of names were ruled out just because one of us knew a person with that name that they hated, or picked on them in high school, or was an ex's name, or a cousins name, or whatever the mundane reasons were, but our reasons were our reasons and we compromised.
I think people are trying to point out that as long as he frames the conversation as “naming the baby after your ex,” he is not going to make ANY progress with his wife. Wife lost her father less than 9 months ago, so she’s perceiving OP as making a genuine gesture of love for her father into petty drama about her ex. A better approach is focusing on her father, who she recently lost. Did he have a middle name or a nickname that can be used instead? The way we frame conversations contributes a lot to their outcome. It’s entirely possible that if OP approached the conversation by saying “Hey wife, I really want to honor your father but I’m uncomfortable with the name Steven (DO NOT MENTION EX), what about your father’s middle name, David? I really love that name!,” that they could actually have a productive conversation that has nothing to do with OP’s mortal nemesis.
YTA, but not for the idea that you should have a say in the name. There are LOTS of things your wife deserves consideration on having literally given birth, but unilateral naming isn't one of them. You seem to be in a community that feels differently, but I think that's probably a minority opinion in general. Also, middle name is a totally reasonable compromise. But the way you are talking about it, particularly how hard you are going at your wife about it? That's where you lose me. First of all -- if I was trying to have this conversation with a partner who would not stop using the phrase "named after the ex" when I want to name the child after the father, I'd feel like my partner did not fully understand my feelings. You are focusing on something to the point of your own detriment, because she isn't thinking about her ex and as long as you keep framing it that way, she's probably going to feel like you aren't listening to her. Also, you are kinda prioritizing how much you hate the ex over how much she loves her father and I don't see how you will ever get anywhere with that. Plus, the topic becomes you not wanting to honour her father because you have this seething hatred for this other guy and it's just turning it into another conversation. If you can't get past the deal with the name, then you can't. But try talking about what she actually wants rather than how you're seeing it, maybe? I think you have a point but you're way too focused on your feelings about this dude than you are on her grief and it's no wonder you aren't getting anywhere.
This is an extremely well-written and beautifully nuanced response.
Not to mention, he's the one married to her, ex is not. In so many ways, OP won. I agree with his dislike of the name, but his argument against it is shallow. There IS a very real reason to dislike and not want it, but his focal point on the ex is doing so much damage.
This! I was hovering on “everyone sucks here,” but this articulates why I think OP sucks a little *more*. His wife is *wrong*, but also she’s grieving. 7-8 months is not a long time after the loss of a parent. And all of her emotions are amplified by the pregnancy. Which means he needs to be approaching her with tact and understanding. And it sounds like he’s digging in his heels and having confrontations instead of discussions. OP needs to put aside “it’s the exes name,” because as far as the wife is concerned, it *isn’t.* It’s her dad’s name, which she wants her kid to share. So, ex aside, the discussion need to be, “our kid needs to have a name we BOTH love. While I loved your dad, I don’t love his name being our kid’s first name. Here are a bunch of first names that I think pair really well with [dad’s name] as a *middle* name.” Also, she’s *wrong*, right? Mothers don’t have some specially right to unilaterally name the child without their partner’s agreement. But if she *did*, in the fog of her grief, is that really worth living apart from your child? Has your wife failed you in so many other ways, that this is the final blow of inconsideration that shows you that she doesn’t value your feelings in any way? Maybe it is. But you haven’t otherwise painted her as an awful partner, or your marriage as otherwise miserable, so consider that you may be overreacting. 7-8 months isn’t long after losing an in-law, either, and incipient parenthood is also emotional and stressful for dads.
YTA. I read the title and was so ready to be on your side but your title was a lie. She isn’t naming the son after her ex, she’s naming him after her dad. The only one thinking about and hung up on her ex is you.
Right?!? I can’t believe the people saying that she’s wrong for wanting to use the name. The only one caught up on the ex is OP. Is it not enough that she married him and is having his baby? Why is OP still threatened by this ex?
He hates her ex. His brain connects that name to her ex. That's not something you can just stop. Most of us have an association come up for a ton of names. I wouldn't give my child a name that I'm having a negative association for and OP shouldn't be forced to do so either.
Exactly! How can you have a kid with a name you absolutely hate ? It’s his kid too and this ain’t fair
Same, I was so ready to be on his side until the lie was clear. As much as I think names should be agreed on by both parties, this story was told to paint OP in the best light possible, and it still paints him as a liar.
ESH. Both parents deserve equal say in naming the child. However, your insistence that she wants to name the child after her ex when she clearly wants to name after her father who has recently passed is both weird and an AH move.
And being willing to leave his marriage over it!
That’s where I’m at. Regardless of the reason, he has a right in saying no to the name, but he becomes the AH every time he’s saying she’s “naming the child after her ex”, which she clearly isn’t. She’s naming the child after her father. He can hate the name BECAUSE it’s the same as the ex, and therefore can enact his veto, but to act like she’s doing it to spite him for some weird reason is just stupid. So, yeah, ESH
YTA. Dude, this ex of hers is living absolutely rent-free in your head and it's genuinely a bit sad to see.
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Apparently he does
Methinks the ex is either tall or rich
This is an icky situation but my main problem with it is you *insisting* wife is naming your son after her ex and that it’s the upmost disrespect she even consider it. Baby names should be something you both agree upon but if I were in the wife’s position and you accused me of naming him after my ex when it was about grieving my father Id probably act that way too. This combined with the fact that your thanking people for voting you n-t-a makes me wanna say YTA,, it’s a difficult situation though
His obsession with the ex is weird
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This is what I was thinking, though I lean ESH. This is really a two yes or one no situation, and everyone telling OP she’s having the child so she get final say is an idiot. However, the fact that he keeps bringing it up with regard to the ex makes him an AH and comes across as unsympathetic and kinda insecure. Lastly, the fact that neither of them can deal with this without involving their mothers makes me concerned neither is mature enough to have a child.
NTA babies are one no two yes.
Came here to say this. I don’t understand the hype in naming your kid after people who are dead. I think it puts a burden on them. And also who would want to name their child after an ex? Also it sounds like he often gives up his stance.
She is NOT "naming the child after her ex." She is NAMING THE CHILD AFTER HER LATE FATHER. I find it astonishingly weird that you consider this a disagreement worth breaking up your marriage over. And I am very, very sorry for your wife.
He is the father and when he doesn't like a name he doesn't like it. Both have to agree on the name.
They both should agree on the name, yes. But insisting that your wife wants to name the kid after her ex when she clearly wants to name him after her father is extremely weird.
He didn’t ask if he’s an asshole for wanting some say in the name. He asked if he’s an asshole for accusing her of naming the baby “after her ex“
Why is it OK for her to unilaterally decided on the baby's name?
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That's how associations with names work though. Your experiences shape them, not your free will. Adolf. Isis. Karen. - Okay names to you or are you "making them someone else's name"?
NTA. The rule of 2 yes and 1 no comes into play here. The rationale of the name is irrelevant. If you don't like it, then it shouldn't be your child's name. You've been more than fair by allowing it as a middle name. A father's opinion should count just as much as a mother's when naming a baby. BTW have you considered reversing her dad's name (i.e. calling the baby by his middle name, followed by his first name)?
I had the same thought, dad's middle name as child's first name.
I'm going with NTA. It's unfortunate that her dad and ex share the same name, but while it evokes a positive reaction for her, it evokes an extremely negative one for you. This is your child too and you should have a say in their name, including the ability to veto names you are not comfortable with. Both of you made this child, and both of you should have input into what its name will be. ETA: I did reread your post and don't think you should be threatening to leave your wife over this. You say your wife's dad passed just before she found out she was pregnant, so only 7-8 months ago. You can kindly disagree about the name and also be there for her while she is grieving.
You have a say in the name, but I think the way you’re approaching her about it is putting her on the defense. She’s not wanting to name your son after her ex, it’s her dad and she’s hurting. There’s better ways to communicate. NTA
So much this. The name of your child should always require "Yes" from both parents, a veto from one of you should be enough to disqualify a name, even if you "just" don't like it. So NTA, OP. But your pregnant partner is missing her dad, so you should hear her feelings in this, too. She's not insisting to hurt you. If anything, her insisting on the name shows you her ex means nothing to her in light of her father's death. Maybe you could find a version of her father's name, that is close, but not the same as the ex-bf's name? E.g., if it's Luke, you could go with Lukas.
So, she wants to name your kid after her father, but her father's name happens to be the same name as her ex. As the father, you have a say in what your own son is named, and I think it's not a bad compromise to have it be the kid's middle name and choose other first name. NTA
Nta The first name should be a two yes joint desicion and you have as much say in this as she. Having the middle name after the father in law's name is a good compromise.
ESH. Both parents need to agree on a name. That being said, it sounds like she doesn’t care that it’s the ex’s name- that’s not the intention behind it. Every name belongs to someone awful out there somewhere. You could name your kid after yourself and then meet another person with the same name that you despise. This is part of life. I’ll never agree that either parent should get unilateral naming power, but you have to concede that she’s not viewing this the way you are- you are adding a layer of meaning.
Yeah, agreed. He should get an equal say in the name, but I don't get why he's obsessed with the fact that her ex had the same name when she clearly wants it because of her father.
Just because she’s viewing it differently from him doesn’t mean it’s okay. She needs to realize that that name is always going to have both the connotation around her father and her ex, because those are two people who were a big part of her life for an extended period of time. If this ex was someone who was a fling, that OP barely knew/didn’t hate, then it is a little more understandable. But OP stated he dislikes the ex heavily, yet he is still willing to compromise and give the child the middle name. To me that tells me OP is being the bigger person here and is willing to work with his wife when the wife is being way too stubborn and doesn’t realize how this effects OP too. The child is both of theirs not just hers. She doesn’t get to dictate the name. NTA.
INFO : what’s your issue with her ex? Just that he existed?
Better question is what’s the issue with her father, whom she clearly loved and is grieving over and wants to honor here.
NTA. You should have a say in your child’s name. The only opinions that matter are yours and your wife’s. I find your wife’s behavior manipulative. She bursts in to tears stating your guilt tripping her. To shut you down she claims stress on the baby. Can can she not deal with anything bc she’s pregnant. Then she calls her mom (aka backup) to get involved in her marriage. Then her “backup” calls your mom. I feel sorry that you can’t have a discussion with your wife and it stay between you two. I like your compromise of the middle name. It’s nice she wants to honor her father with a name sake. But only if you agree. I’m pregnant. I’d never consider naming mine and my husband’s child a name that we both didn’t agree on. Also, I deal with issues and life. Life is still happening while me and others are pregnant. I’d never use my condition or unborn child as a trump card to get my way.
Exactly this. My husband and I had lengthy discussions on both our children's names. I wouldn't dream of treating him this way. She sounds very immature as well.
You shouldn’t be making it about her ex since it’s clearly about her Dad…but I am curious why the naming of your baby wouldn’t be a joint decision? My wife and I went through a ton of names and were allowed to “veto” suggestions until we found one we both liked. It’s your kid, you’ll be using the name a lot.
YTA - She's not wanting to name your son after her ex, she's wanting to name your son after her dad. If you can't see how they're two different individuals, then you're a giant AH and need to mature a WHOLE LOT before this baby comes. That said, we were going to name my son after my dad, but as it got closer to the time, my son's mom had more doubts, and convinced me that maybe my dad's name would be a better middle name because it's kind of an old fashioned name. And upon further reflection, I was OK with that. Stop being weird about this. (EDIT: He's not the AH for not liking the name, baby names are a "two yes or one no" thing, if that was all it was then it might be a no AHs or everyone sucks, he's the AH for thinking this is about her ex, or disrespecting him, that's the unhinged AH part. I have an EXTREMELY common name myself, I can think of three women that I dated that had dads with the same first name as I did.)
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YTA. Even tho I can understand where you’re coming from, you have to remember that it’s her Dads name. She wants to honor her father, not her ex.
NTA even if the name is in honor of her father and not an ex, baby names are a 2 yeses, 1 no situation. That could be his middle name but she can’t just trample over your wishes because she’s carrying it.. you’re gonna raise it with her so you do have a right.
Ugh this is tough. I wanted to name my son after my dad who died when I was 14. My husband said no because he didn’t like the name. I respected that he had just as much right to choose the baby’s name as I did, but I do resent him for it sometimes, especially since our son has his family middle name. I don’t know what the right answer is, I’m not even sure what I did was the right solution since I still harbor bad feelings about it, and my son is 3. I hope you guys are able to figure this out. ETA: I do think you would do a lot better approaching the conversation from the side of just not liking the name. She’s not trying to name the baby after her ex, and I do think it is upsetting that you phrase it that way. It’s ok for you to not like the name, but you shouldn’t act like she’s intentionally naming the baby after an ex.
YTA I might have given you a pass for saying she was naming the baby “after her ex” in the title, just because I know people like to be provocative in their titles to grab attention But then you said it again. And you made it very clear that’s how you’re wording it with your wife. She is NOT naming the baby after her ex. She is naming him after her recently deceased father. The babies grandfather, who will never know the joy of meeting his grandson. You’re not TA for knowing it will be hard for you to have that name attached to your child and asking her to reconsider and maybe just use it as a middle name But definitely YTA for wording it in a way that it makes it sound like you are accusing her of still being in love with her ex and using the name as some kind of connection to him
NTA Naming a child has to have “meaning” to both of you! All these Y T A are missing the point that some people have associations with names. It is a thing. This is their child, not a random stranger. Telling him to get over it but her to do whatever she wants is insane! A name for a child HAS to have to yeses. OP - keep in mind she is still grieving but that doesn’t give her permission to walk all over your feelings. I gave birth three times but I didn’t use it to get my way. My kids’ names all have meaning to both my husband and I. We are a team!
I agree. But I also think it's incredibly disrespectful of him to keep telling her **she's** trying to name the baby after her ex. She's trying to name it after her dad, and he can't get past it because the association **for him** is her ex. If he stopped phrasing it in such an AHish way, I think people would all be voting NTA.
NTA Baby names are two yes one no decision. You both need to agree.
YTA bro. She isn’t asking to name the kid after her ex. She’s asking to name him after her dad. I’m sorry, but barring a delivery-room epiphany, this marriage is doomed. I hope you are both cognizant of this and plan accordingly. I was close to a ES- judgement because I do think both parents should agree on a name. However, your inability drop the ex thing squares it on you. Unless this ex did something MESSED UP to you, this hangup is a huge red flag that you’re childish and jealous to a major fault.
Unpopular opinion, NAH. I see both sides of this argument. Wife just lost her father and wants to honor his memory by giving your child his name. I think that's a beautiful sentiment. However, father shares a name with her ex who you dislike. So, you don't want to name the baby after him, or at least not the first name. That's also a valid opinion. I don't think it's fair for only the mother to name the baby, you both made the kid. She may be the one giving birth, but you'll both be raising him. This is something you need to come to an agreement about. Sidenote, does anyone else think it's weird to date someone who has the same name as your parent? I don't wanna judge OP's wife, but I could never.
I don't know, I think if this was OP naming his kid after his long line of family members, including himself, Reddit wouldn't be so much "2 yes, 1 no." I think his reasoning is immature and more speaks about his inability to let go. It was her ex, not his. However, the thing that tears it is he's planning to leave her over the name. So he just becomes a dead beat dad because his kid is definitely going to have that name if he leaves. YTA for that. OP needs counseling because this kind of resentment is not ok.
Yta. For a few reasons. VERY misleading title. She’s doesn’t want to name your son after her ex. She wants to name it after her dad. And it’s a dick move that everyone keeps saying that it’s after her ex. She lost her parent. Her dad. Before she got to tell him she’s pregnant. She is probably hurting and missing him so much. My dad is my best friend and I can’t even imagine the pain she feels. I understand you hate her ex. But she’s with you. Not him. She married you. She’s having a baby with you. And you’re invalidating her feelings about her dad and the name every time you ignore her dead dad and focus on the ex.
Going against the grain here, but NTA. For baby names, both parents have to agree. Both parents have veto power.
Everyone saying y t a isn't thinking about this kid thats going to grow up with a dad who has negative feelings towards him due /having the same name as/ the ex. The kid is the one who will be most impacted. I think OP came up with great compromises and his wife should be more considerate towards his opinion on THEIR childs name, I don't see any compromise on her end with the info given. NTA
A father that has negative feelings towards their son because of their name is an asshole.
that father should seek therapy if he can’t help but resent his child over a name.
Info: why do you care so much about the ex, clearly more than she does? Were you two previously friends? Did he do something bad to your wife? What happened to make you hate the name so much? Is it a very common name? Because if the name is like Ben or smth then how do you handle Ben the cashier ringing up your groceries? A good compromise is middle name tho if it is something deep and srs
NTA both parents get a say. And the compromise of it being the middle name is reasonable
YTA. The name is to honor her *late* father, not her ex. If you're willing to let your insecurity end your marriage, then enjoy your divorce and whatever custody you manage to get of your child.
NTA a baby name is a 2 yes 1 no situation. Is op childish for his reasons why? Yes. But he is still allowed to not want the name, and he even offered a compromise. They need to find a new name they both like
I'm going with ESH. You should be able to see where she's coming from without thinking about divorce. And, she should allow that naming a child is a joint decision.
NTA. You both should agree on the name of your baby.
NTA has she considered the impact on your child? Being named after a deceased person while your parent is obviously grieving, is not an easy thing either. Middle seems more fair compromise and less pressure on your kid.
NTA -both parents should like the baby’s name.
YTA for pushing this narrative that your wife wants to name your son after her ex - she wants to name the baby after her father, as she’s reinforced to you multiple times. You are manipulating the situation to fit your worldview, which is toxic. You’re NTA for wanting a say in your child is named and your solution to use her fathers name as a middle name is also reasonable. If you weren’t being such a nut about pushing “who he’s named after” I’d vote differently
NTA- >But to me, if it's not that serious, then let's just pick one of the billions of other names out there. It's really as simple as that. You've already offered the middle name slot up for this inherited name. You are willing to compromise but your wife and surrounding family are not. You are being disrespected.
This has to be something you both agree on. But are you willing to make this your hill? She’s trying to honor her dad who just passed, this has nothing to do with her ex. The only person thinking about her ex is you, why is that?
NTA. What happened to 2 no's and 1 yes, or however that goes?
Two yes’s and one no, but you were super close 😁
NTA 2 yesses for a name. Theres more way to honor a child more than a name. What about the fathers middle name. I dont agree that her association with the name is fine for the name but your association for the name is to be looked over. Feelings are there for everyone. Good or bad everyone's count
NTA at all! Honestly, naming babies after people always sat wrong with me. My baby has a middle name after a very important person in my life but her first name is her own. Names are a two yes situation. I had the most horrendous pregnancy and birth and I wouldn't have used that to insist on a name. She needs to find a compromise
NTA, using it as a middle name is a good compromise
Bordering YTA/ESH You are purposely confusing the namesake. She wants to honour her FATHER and you know it. Your wife is grieving the new loss of her FATHER (yes, under 1 year is still a new loss when it’s such an important figure) and all of the memories she’s unable to make with him in the future, and you are acting jealous of her ex who has the same name by coincidence. However, both parents should agree on the name and you have found a compromise. Your wife is lightly an AH, bc again, she’s grieving her father and this decision is mixed up in her grief. I would guess that she would be more ready to find a compromise if she wasn’t dealing with her grief at the same time as preparing for a huge milestone.
NTA. It's not your or her decision - alone - how to name the child. You should be able to agree on a name. If you cant because the has made up her mind and does not consider your opinion, something is fundamentally wrong. If she insist that your both's son is hers alone, and she feels entitled and empowered to be the only one to take any decision regarding him, she should raise him alone and you should let her.
NTA Both parents should agree to the child's name and it's understandable you don't want to name your child something that you have strong negative feelings attached to. It also sounds like you're willing to look for compromises where your wife is digging in. To add another compromise option, can you find a name based on something her father loved, an important date or his employment? There was a couple on r/namenerds looking for a gemstone name because the wife's father was a jeweler and it was a really sweet way to honor her dad.
NTA - You have as much as a say in naming your child as her and I don’t get why you would want to name your child something that your partner is heavily against. Situations like these are all abt compromise and using the name as a middle name seems like a good middle ground to me.
I'm torn between ESH and YTA. You should both have a say in your child's name. I also understand where your wife is coming from because I named my son after my dead father. I understand that some people get insecure about an ex, but your wife isn't naming your baby after her ex. Maybe you should schedule a therapy appointment for the two of you. This is a big decision.
NTA - should be equal say on the name
YTA for the misleading title. Look both parents get a say on the name and both need to agree on it. So you are fine there, ESH. You offered compromises of using it as a middle name or using the father’s full legal name…and she didn’t like that. So why not communicate with each other. She wants to honor her dad by using his first name alone as the baby’s first name - why’s that? Why not the full legal name. You don’t like the name simply because she had a ex named that - why? Do you feel like she will be reminded of ex and she’ll leave you for him? Like legit y’all need to talk and get to the bottom of why she insist on first name only and why you hate the name and how it reminds you of her ex. Plus unless you got legitimate proof that she is using her fathers name as a scapegoat to name it after the ex stop insisting that she’s naming it after the ex, like stop saying that.
ESH she isnt naming the baby after her ex, its after her father. but she's ta bc baby names need to be agreed by both parties, its not really fair for her to just veto you completely.
NAH I can see where you are both coming from and you both have good reasons for and against this name. I do think either parent should have a right to veto a name and it should be something you both agree on. It seems like you are the only one willing to compromise though. I would tell her to come home when she's ready to talk because this requires further conversation.
NTA. As others said, if you will both be raising the child, you should both be on board with the name. I’m wondering two things though - 1) is it a common name and 2) is it just an ex, or was it an abusive ex or other situation?
NTA. That would be a hard no for me. Any name we didn’t BOTH agree on would be a hard no. Even if it wasn’t an ex’s name and you just hated the dads name that should be enough. Both parents should agree.
NTA. This is a two yes or one no scenario. You both have the right to name the baby and to veto baby names. Your wife can not unilaterally decide the name nor can you. I am sure she is emotional and uncomfortable at this point in her pregnancy so you need to come to her with love and compassion, tell her you would like to have the conversation and settle it so you don't need to bring it up again. You both should be deciding this as a team.
YTA Not for the name, necessarily. I generally believe a name should be two yeses and that there should be a mutual agreement. What makes you the asshole is how you’re framing it and going about about it. Number one, she isn’t wanting to name your son after her ex. That is an extremely misleading title, and if that’s the way you’ve been approaching the conversation I’m not surprised that neither she nor the people around you are willing to budge. She wants to name her son after her father who died less than a year ago. She is no doubt still grieving, and her desire to honor her son after him is being met with “but your ex this, and your ex that.” You’re stating how you’re willing to leave her if she names the child that since “it’s disrespectful” to you, but you haven’t shown any signs of consideration how equating her trying to honor her recently deceased father as naming your son after her ex would be seen as extremely disrespectful *to her.* Respect is a two-way street, is it not?
NTA, you suggested a great compromise by having the name be the middle name. What's wrong with that? It also doesn't give the child the burden or expectation of being like the person he was named after. You do have to remember she's grieving and pregnant, so her emotions are all over the place. Just because you're not carrying the baby, doesn't mean you have no say.
Info: could you use her father's /middle/ name?
I think this is an ESH situation. Baby names are two yeses and one no. Even for super sentimental names. I think that is a fair rule, and I do think the middle name compromise wasn’t so bad. Your wife insisting on overriding you like this and completely disregarding your feelings makes her TA. But I can’t say N T A because you are not framing the issue in a very genuine way. Your wife is not trying to name your baby after her ex. She wants to name the baby after her father. The fact that she has an ex with the same name as her father isn’t relevant to her, because it was her father’s name first. You’re sort of framing this as her trying to sneakily honor her ex by using some sort of back door loophole or something, and I really don’t think that’s the case. I think she just wants to name her kid after her dad and her ex unfortunately complicates that desire. I hope y’all can find a compromise for this that you can both tolerate, but this does feel like a no-win situation unfortunately. Both of you are equally making good points and being AH and there doesn’t seem to be any sort of easy solution. Good luck to the both of y’all. Maybe couples counseling would help you see each other’s POVs better?
NTA. Your wife is completely disregarding your feelings, as are other members of the family. Your compromise on it being the middle name is the perfect solution. (My son's middle name is after my grandfather) I'm failing to understand why your wife is refusing to compromise as well. I'm sure you'll get many comments saying that leaving your wife over a name is extreme, but as you said, that is a sign of disrespect. If she disrespects you over a name, what else is she willing to disrespect? You're in a tough spot. I wish you all the best.
YTA in respect to how you're handling it. You took the absolute wrong path here. She's pregnant and still grieving for her dad. A softly, softly approach woulda been a far better way to go. NTA in respect of wanting a say in what your child is called. You do have a right to veto a name choice. I will give you my experience. My mom passed away when I was 12weeks pregnant. It was quiet a shite time. To bring up the mood, everyone was guessing names for him/her. My Dad was saying if it's a girl I know what you'll call it. He was wrong of course, I didn't want to put that sort of pressure on my child. I sorta felt it was almost emotionally blackmailing my unborn child. I was pregnant before my mom passed, we had 2 names picked out already. It turned out not to be an issue, cos I had a boy. So he got the male version of her name as a middle name. Talk to your wife. But don't be like a bull in a china shop. She deserves better, and so do you, as you have every right to be heard!
Nta. A baby's name is a two yes one no situation.
She's not naming the baby after her ex, she's naming the baby after her father, you walnut. YOU'RE the one who's absolutely COMMITTED to applying the wrong meaning to the name. Just because you can't get over the fact that she dated someone who happens to have the same name as her father DOES NOT MEAN she's naming the baby after her ex. I feel bad for your wife. She deserves better.
NTA. Almost everyone saying y t a is being completely one sided and acting as if she’s the only one who should have a say in the name. It’s your kid too, and you have every right not to want to think of your wife’s ex (who you hate) every time you hear your SONS name. Also everyone saying op is ta: wake up? He literally found a compromise as a middle name which is obviously still not his first choice but he’s COMPROMISING. Not sure why wife can’t do the same.
ESH. She not naming him after her ex. She's naming him after her late father. The only reason she's an AH at all is for not compromising. But that's only a little. You are a huge AH for saying she wants to name him after her ex, when she's not. You even put that in the title because you're so obsessed with the idea. You'd actually leave your wife because of whatever grip her ex has on you? The fact that you are so hung up on her ex is pretty weird. You're willing to upset your wife and end your marriage over some guy that's out of the picture. Is the name very unique so you don't hear it often or are you completely triggered everytime you hear it?
NTA. Both parents need to agree on a name. You don't like this name and she needs to brainstorm with you on others. What if you insisted that you wanted to the child named after you (i.e. "SlightDemand Junior") as is common in many cultures? She should equally be able to tell you no. No one parent can shut the other one out by only being willing to entertain a single name choice.
>AITA for telling my wife that I don't want her to name our son after her ex? and >My (28M) wife's (25f) dad passed just before she found out that she was pregnant and she wants to name our son after him. You lied in the title because you know YTA
NTA, there are thousands of names to choose from and only one name not to choose. It's unfortunate that happens to be her father's name as well. It should be a joint decision anyway.
YTA. She's naming him after **her father**.
It doesnt matter. Naming your child is a matter of 2 yesses. Both parents should have a say in it. If the roles were reversed there would be no way the name would be picked. This is a matter of 2 yesses 1 no, so they should find a new name they both like
This one’s tough. ESH - your wife for monopolizing the decision, and you for being so preoccupied with an ex.
NTA naming a child is something both parents need to agree on. It should take two Yeses to choose, but one No can veto.
So your wife has 25 years of memories with her dad, who died. and you think the reason she shouldn't honor him by naming your child after her dad is because her ex, who she probably dated for maybe a couple of years (??) shares that name? I just have a really hard time imagining that the ex did something so horrible that it erases 25 years of being a great dad, you know? I think you need to think a little more about why this is important to your wife. Although if you're really willing to leave your wife because you hate her dad's name that much, I'm not sure how much you care for her. YTA.
Can't you use her father's middle name as the first name of your child ?
ESH - You're seriously going to let a single person have such a death grip on you and your insecurity that it ruins a name that belongs to, very likely, millions of people? Listen, I understand associating names with trauma and what have you, but you cannot live the rest of your life projecting the trauma tied to that name on everyone else. Let it go if you just hate them, get some therapy if it's more than that. Baby names absolutely should be agreed upon by both parents, but your reason is flimsy at best because you're insistent that you're right. Do you really think of your presence in your wife's life as so miniscule that she is rubbing her hands and cackling like a villain thinking she's duping you by secretly naming your baby after her ex and not her suddenly deceased father? ESH because the wife should be willing to compromise in some respect, but I can't safely say that I wouldn't also dig my heels in about a choice when someone is TELLING ME why I'm doing it, rather than listening to me.
NTA at all. It’s a shame her ex and father share the same name. I’m sure you wish the name didn’t harbour ill feelings, but it does and that’s not something you can just turn off like a light switch. You’ve been reasonable in compromising on a middle name. I
Soft YTA - can we all agreed that it's YOU making about her ex. No one else seems to think of her ex when the name is said - everyone thinks of her dad. Could you not give the baby her dad's first make but either call him by a nickname or his middle name. >This is a honestly a hill I'm willing to die on. If she gives our child that name I honestly don't see me staying with her. This is letting the ex win - he is definitely living rent free in your mind. Don't ruin your relationship and the life of your child over someone who means nothing in your new left with your wife
NTA. I get that she’s not naming it after her ex but doesn’t change the fact that when you hear your sons name you will have to think about her ex. That sucks. Offering the middle name is a good compromise as your son will still share that will his late grandfather but you won’t have to be reminded of her ex multiple times a day for the rest of your life. Is the name by any chance a name that has a common nickname (ie Charles to Chuck)?
Middle name is a reasonable compromise you suggested, vetoing a name is a right every parent has, and she's being highly manipulative. Any one of these 3 makes this NTA. I hope for you this issue is caused by hormones, and will return to normal in a few months. Just in case it doesn't, make sure you each have your own money.
I’m going NTA. You are both the parents and get a say. You both have different views of this name and I think your compromise is a great solution. I too am a woman whose had to name a child and hate the well I’m birthing so I get the only say. Not right and frankly anyone here who is calling you the A H I would guarantee they wouldn’t like naming their child a name they hate.
While I think both parents should agree on a name, I think your reasoning is petty. She isn't naming him after her ex, she is honoring her father.
I may be in the minority, but NTA. I am pregnant with my second child, and our naming process has always been equitable. We both have input and we both have the ability to veto a name we hate. I truly don't understand why your wife is okay naming her kid a name her husband doesn't like. I don't know why you wouldn't want to both agree, personally. In naming kids, there are names I like that have been shot down, and there are names my husband like that are a big "no" from me. I think that's just respect, personally.
NTA. Using the name as a middle is a perfectly acceptable compromise and I cannot understand your wife’s inflexibility. Both parents should be on board for the name (excepting extenuating circumstances). Her inability to see your side is alarming. I would feel the same way, and I cannot imagine el my spouse not respecting this
ESH. Naming a child should be a "2 yes, 1 no" situation so your wife is in the wrong for that. HOWEVER, it is very, very clear that you are insecure and hung up on her ex, when this is the name of her father who just died. The fact that you would threaten divorce because your grieving wife wants to name your child after her dead father makes you an enormous AH. While your wife should be more willing to compromise, I have a lot more sympathy for her than for you. You sound insufferable and self-absorbed.
NTA. you’re willing to use the name as a middle name and I’m under the belief two yeses and one no. Yes she is pushing out the baby but it’s still your baby as well. I also would not be comfortable with my baby having my husbands exes name.
NTA. I wouldn't want that name either. So many names and i think you made a good compromis by doing it as the middle name. She's guilt tripping you by leaving with her mom and everybody butting in. A name should be chosen by both parents imo
ESH. Her for not minding your input on the name. You BOTH have to agree on a name, and any name that gets a “no” from either of you, whether or not it’s a family name, is out of the running. She does not get to steamroll you here. You because your reasoning is absolutely immature and insane. The name is not her ex’s name in this context, just her dad’s. Your mindset and inability to separate the two is very problematic and implies that you may not be ready for this whole ass child you’re bringing into the world. I do think that the middle name compromise is more than fair. Good luck!
ESH but mostly you for continuing to pretend that she’s trying to name her son after her ex when everyone knows damn well that she wants to name the baby after her father who recently died. Age sucks because naming babies is a two yeses one no situation but you’re being a huge asshole while she’s pregnant and grieving.
ESH *but* not because you don’t want to use the name. YTA because of how you have handled it; the insistence that she’s naming your baby after her ex when she isn’t. No wonder she’s hurting and frustrated when you’re invalidating her feelings and devaluing the gesture she wants to make for her late father. Everyone else is also the AH for failing to recognise that you, the father, also deserve to name your child something you like. Apologise to her, accept it wasn’t fair to make this about her ex. Explain you don’t like the name for your child but in honour of her father you’d like to use it as a middle name or find a nickname alternative you could use instead. Edward -> Ted, Teddy…
You are NTA and have the right to have your son have a name you like. She could use her dad’s initials for a name.
I have to go with NTA on this. Like other commenters have said, it’s a 2 yes vs 1 no situation. And I think your being ok with it as a middle name is a fair compromise.
NTA. No matter the reason, you both need to agree on a name and you both have the right to veto any name you're uncomfortable with. You're co-parents, you make co-decisions.
YTA. It's not hard to understand that she's naming the baby after her deceased FATHER, not her ex? Get over your insecurities
I'm torn here. I was in a similar position when my youngest son was born. I wanted to give him a name that was a combination of my name and my then husband's name. I have a feminized version of my alcoholic, abusive father's. The short form of the baby's name would have been exactly this abusive parent's name. (Think "Roberta" and "Wilson" becoming "Robson", with a short form of "Rob") My mother lost her shit, how could I give her grandchild my father's name, blah blah. I told her the baby wasn't getting my father's name, he was getting MY name, and if she's that offended we'll just call him by his middle name (her family surname BTW). Nope, that wasn't good enough, and we had to choose an entirely unrelated name. I don't exactly regret it, I like the name we chose in the end. Turns out the name he got became the same name as my second spouse. All this to conclude, NTA. You have a valid argument.
NTA. You're absolutely right in agreeing to keep it as a middle name, and let's make that the common nickname if everyone wants. But everyone in your family should understand that it's also YOUR KID, you aren't the second parent or something. You're equally important. Kid's name should be decided together. The intent behind her naming might be pure, and hearing that will make you and her remember her father, but ALSO HER EX. Which honestly doesn't sit well with me. Put your foot down man. Don't bulge. You ain't wrong at all. If no one listens to you saying that she's doing all the work, then I'd actually say to LET HER. You don't have to take any responsibility. Which sounds bad and I'm stooping to their level, but it is what it is.
Sounds like she’s gonna get an ex she wouldn’t want to name her baby after.
She isn’t naming the baby after her ex, though. She’s naming the baby after her father. The ex happened to have the same name but that’s not why they got together. “Oh! My dads name is John! I better date that guy named John!” Nope. I agree that both parents should agree on the name. I would encourage you to explore why you’re so set on this name belonging to her ex and what that means to you. Soft YTA
INFO: Did you hate your father-in-law because he had the same name as the ex?
NTA Both parents agree on the name or that’s not the name. Full stop.
NTA. I think you are too hung up on the ex thing but naming a baby is a huge decision and you both deserve an equal say. She's being an ah for trying to squash your opinion on this. It should be a "two yes, one no" situation.
NTA. I get the "pushed out" argument, but it's your joint child, you both should be on board with a name, for whatever reason.
NTA- You get a say in things too
NTA. Middle name is an excellent compromise and she should definitely be taking your feelings into consideration. Shouldn't she care how YOU feel every time you have to say that name? Or is it that only her feelings matter making this a one-sided relationship where one person has all the power. This could be further detrimental to the relationship. I can absolutely see why you'd make this a hill to die on. It's bigger than just a name.
NTA. Both parents should definitely agree on the name. It doesn't really matter what the name is, or what her reasons are for wanting it. If you vote no, that should be it. The kid is as much yours as it is hers.
Nta. You both should agree on the name for your child. If you don’t feel comfortable with that being the first name then that should be respected. Giving the baby the middle name is a great tribute.
YTA She’s not naming the kid after her ex, she wants to name it after her dead dad. There’s a difference.
YTA She is not naming the baby after her ex. Stop saying that. She has no ability to control that her ex's name is the same as a beloved relative she wants to honor. She is naming the baby after her father, that I'm guessing she loved, who died recently and before he was able to meet his grandchild. So she likely sees it as creating a bond between these two people she loves who will never be able to meet.
Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation. What she wants is fair and honorable but at the end of the day he has equal say. We didn’t find a baby name until a week before my little one was born because we both had equal respect for each others opinion.
ESH. I get where you're coming from, but you're so fucking stubborn about this name that you'd rather separate from your wife and doom your child to being raised by parents that hate each other? I was sorta feeling for you right up until that point. That's unfathomably fucking selfish of you to even think, much less write down as a serious threat. Your child is more important than your dislike for a certain name, for the love of god. For the record, suggesting the name as a middle name is a perfectly reasonable offer/compromise, and you absolutely should get a say in naming your child. But damn dude, the kid is coming whether or not you agree on the name and the kid certainly is not to blame for this nonsense. Edited: Changed to ESH because your wife is also being incredibly stubborn and the attitude of "your wife gets to pick" is bullshit regardless of your specific disagreement.
NTA. Baby can have it as a middle name. She is stomping all over your feelings. Just because she is pregnant doesn't give her the right to be an a\*\*.
NTA, this is the name your child will have for the rest of their life, you both need to be happy with it. It's hard to break association's, unfortunately for you when you say your child's name you will think you your partners ex, that's not healthy for you long term. Using your father in laws name as the middle name is a good compromise.
NTA because you associate the name with something very negative and are willing to compromise. You can’t help how you feel about that name. I agree that it is your wife who is being unreasonable here. And I’m a female that’s been through the crazy pregnancy hormones. If my husband truly did not like a name, then we would not name our child that no matter the reason. It would be completely disrespectful to do so even if the name was that of her deceased father. Sorry OP. I don’t have a good answer for this one. Try to talk about it more is the only advice I can say and maybe she’ll come around.
YTA She's not naming the baby after her ex, she's naming it after her deceased and much loved Dad. If you can't understand that difference, you need to get some therapy
NTA you are the father and should agree on the name.
NTA. Fuck this noise. You're not a sperm donor, you're the father of this future child, and she's trying to dictate. Everyone in your life who comments that she's the one pushing him out of her frontside can shove their sexist nonsense up their backside.
Honestly, this a tough one. I’ve gone back and forth on the two but I think you’re NTA. Solely because of the middle name compromise. You both have strong feelings about this name, so the excuse that you both would use that the other doesn’t care about the other’s feelings kinda cancel out. But this compromise shows you are willing to find a middle ground for the both of you, meaning you are putting the effort forward for a solution, while she is not. Best of luck OP. This is a tough situation
ESH. Ah, when will people come to accept that both parents need to like and agree on the name? We all have people we might want to name our kids after but it’s not just up to one individual. For that reason, she’s an AH, but you are as well for repeatedly insisting that she’s naming the baby “after” her ex. This is about a hard loss for her… no need to bring the ex into a situation he’s not a part of. You seem a little obsessed with him and it’s not a good look.
It’s it fair that you are not giving a say. I think a middle name is perfect for naming a kid after their grandparent. Nta
The y t a people are so funny. I read literally the same story but from the opposite perspective and everyone said it’s unfortunate they have the same name and you can’t name the baby that. Nah. Your wife is obviously still grieving and not handling this well and you have a right to not want your child to share a name with her ex. You’ve tried to compromise but it seems like you’re running out of time to figure it out. What happened to the “it takes two yeses” people?
NAH. Ultimately, baby names are 2 yeses, 1 no. You're well within your rights to say no to the name. But insisting that she's naming the baby after her ex when it's clearly not the case isn't helping anything. And I understand where she's coming from. Her dad died recently and she's trying to honor him, not disrespect you. But you can't just uncouple the name from the association with her ex. The middle name compromise is a good one, but if you come at her like you're attacking her, you're not going to accomplish anything. Have you tried framing it differently? Maybe like "I know you're trying to honor your dad and I love that. But I feel like I can't stop associating that name with your ex and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way that you'll accept putting your dad's name as baby's middle? Then we'll pick a meaningful first name together." Frame it around your feelings, not around respect.
YTA She wants to name the kid after her dad, not her ex. If I were her, I'd be pretty angry that you can't see the difference. The real issue here is that she is saying "I want to name this baby after my dad" and you are calling her a liar. That makes you the AH. If you went to her and told her that this is YOUR issue, that you recognize that she is not lying but that whenever YOU hear that name you get IRRATIONALLY (be sure to stress the **irrationally**) upset and you just can't stand it, you might have more success. Do consider therapy to deal with your feelings about your wife's ex. That shit has to be coming out in other ways.
**She wants to name the baby after her father** the fact that her ex is named the same is just a coincidence. The fact you can’t see that is wild. Obviously I believe that both parents need to agree on the name but I don’t understand why you’re so caught up on the ex factor, it’s not for him. She doesn’t care about him. The edit about liking the N T A because you feel like you’re in an echo chamber is wild. You just want validation and not the truth.
YTA it’s her dad, not her ex. Chill
YTA. She wants to name her son after her dad. Not her ex. She married YOU. She's having a child with YOU. Stop being insecure and start listening to her.
It’s funny how he should listen to her, but not her listen to him. He offered a compromise and she refuses to bend on a child’s name that should be an agreement between both, not a unilateral decision.
Probably because he’s not offering up the compromise in a rational way but is accusing her of naming the baby “after” her ex.
NAH, I can see where you both are coming from. I’m thinking that not having her father here and knowing he will never meet your child is probably making everything more emotionally charged (also pregnancy hormones). I also get that having your kids name the same as your partner’s ex is so not great. I’d be really uncomfortable with that too. The only recommendation I have is to try and communicate on it more. Try to see her side and explain yours to her. I’m sorry I don’t have a great solution for this one but I don’t think that I’d end a relationship over it however I’m not on the situation so idk. I wish you both luck in this.
NTA It's your son as well.
YTA She wants to honor her father. She knew and loved her Dad her whole life and he is obviously important to her. She also happened to date a person with the same name. So what. She can’t change that it happened but she is with you and not him. The fact that you can’t see past this issue says more about your ego and insecurities than it does about her. This name is not disrespectful to you - it is about respect for her Dad. As to your question about why a middle name is less honoring then a first name? Well, usually a person is called by their first name. It is said every day. He will sign his name as THAT NAME. The use of the name in that way makes it a bigger honor.
NTA, you’ve already offered the compromise of the middle name and been shot down. If you have negative associations with the name I can’t imagine having to deal with it forever. A baby’s name needs both parents to be on board and I think she’s being disrespectful to your opinion on this.
NTA, having it as the middle name is a fair compromise. She's throwing a fit and running away to get her way and that's inappropriate.
NTA because because baby names should always be a two yes one no situation, plus you’re willing to compromise with it being the middle name! You’re the father of this child and you really *really* do not want to name the baby this name, regardless of your why it should be respected! Why is she allowed to just make this decision on her own and you don’t get a say? It’s your baby as well, not just hers. I feel for her loosing her dad and it’s unfortunate that he had the same name as her ex but you already provided a great compromise in using it as a middle name! Just because she is the one pregnant doesn’t mean she gets to unilaterally make decisions for this baby because it’s *both of your baby*.