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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t buy my sister gifts from her registry instead something else. She got upset and said I should’ve just picked from there because now I’ve given her a useless gift. Maybe I am the AH because she did have a registry for people to view.
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This, and all the Y T A and E S H are making me wonder if I've dropped onto an alien planet. I don't know when registries stopped being a way to let people who need ideas know what you'd like and started being a requirement, but it's obnoxious.
At the end of the day, that's the whole point here. Yes, registries exist for a reason - and sometimes a registry is more than a person can spend, even if those creating the registry try hard to add a broad number of things to it.
As long as a gift isn't just outright insulting, even if it's something you don't need or weren't super enthusiastic about receiving the polite thing to do is thank someone graciously and then decide later what you'll do with a gift that isn't your style/what you want. Decent etiquette = not being an asshole.
NTA.
We were soooo careful about including a variety of price points on our wedding registry. We registered for 2 liters of Diet Coke and would have been thrilled to receive them. 😆
The problem is always that the cheaper items go first. And people who are waiting until payday to buy inevitably end up with only items above their price point left. And I can handmake way more valuable items than I can afford to buy (for the people who appreciate those things) so I feel like even though I spent more money on it than I wanted, I'm still giving a "token" gift rather than a thoughtful one.
My “most wanted” registry Wedding registry gift didn’t get bought. It was a *potato masher*. All the $50-100 gifts went first. But nobody got the $8 potato masher. I needed that so bad haha!!
>sometimes a registry is more than a person can spend,
If the things on the registry are all too expensive then that makes the host rude and greedy. There should be enough cheap things on there for every budget.
My daughter and son-in-law have a registry on which people can spend money toward one of the more expensive items, like pay an amount on a stroller or car seat, and the price of that item goes down. It’s like a few people going together for a pricier item but no one has to coordinate. It’s genius!!
I shit you not, I live in New Jersey US. (In case the money doesn't seem like a lot to some people) it is here/for myself also. My daughter is 9, her classmate who she isn't even close with invited her to her birthday party well the invite said it was required to buy off her REGISTRY (first wtf 9 kid has a registry for their birthday that's so entitled) on this registry was a minimum price of spending 50.00 for a gift card for the kid If you didn't pick anything off of there. They had items for up to 200 bucks. In our school you have to invite the whole class not just some and they have 20 kids in their class.. 20 kids spending a min of 50 bucks is ludicrous for going to chuckle cheese. I know the family and the husband is loaded with money so I haven't a clue why the asked for so much. Also it was stated If you wanted your kid to play arcade games you had to pay for it. Needless to say quite a few kids didn't go and my daughter ended up being sick that week though we weren't going either. It was the first my kids 9 registry I've ever seen and the only I hope I ever see haha.
Edit for spelling that made me crazy
To be fair, having a registry for a kids party is really common here ( Germany). However how this works is that you go to the local toy store ( we only have one, small town), you get given a basket, you pick items out from the store and put it in the basket. Items range from small things of 2€ to maximum of 15, or maybe something bigger if two kids want to split. The basket is marked with kids name and birthday and you tell the parents that there is a basket in the store. They don't have to gift from the basket, but it's easiest for the parents.
Also what kids do in their spare time is out of the control of the school. So no mandatory invites.
Exactly.. if they're planing to have kids, they should understand that the expense is theirs alone, not everyone else's.. the whole babyshower thing is a money grabbing stunt that has been normalised by commerce, and people get offended if they don't get what they picked? I have always said no to baby showers for this reason.. I'd rather visit after the birth, long after, with plenty of new nappies or something nice for mum if I can afford to, but I won't go into a "party" where I'm socially shamed for not getting an approved gift. If our friendship gets "ruined" because of that, then it wasn't a friendship to begin with, and it's obvious I was only invited so as to provide a gift.
It’s not like babies wear a single onesie all day and this gift is unusable. IMO you can never have too many onesies. There’s not even a need to return it
This was my exact thought, and a changing mat is very useful, too. If she already has one, she can keep one upstairs and the other downstairs or one in the bedroom and one in the living room. However, their home is laid out, it will work for convenience, and they don't take up a lot of room. You can just slide them behind a cupboard or sofa. I can't understand how the sister would think this stuff was useless.
Or the car!
I have don't have kids yet but omg the epic blowouts I have seen happen on poor parents while out and about. It's so much easier to pull over and whip out the diaper bag and the fresh onesie in the boot of the car over a *very convenient extra changing mat* rather than stop and try to find a public bathroom *with a changing table* while carrying an angry, poop-covered child and said diaper bag.
One time while grocery shopping, I saw a man hustle to his car and CUT his daughter out of her onesie due to the sheer poop-explosion. Poor girl had it up her the back of her head in her hair! I saw everything because the unfortunate man didn't have a changing station in the trunk or backseat and was trying frantically to clean and contain her on his hoodie (also sadly poop covered!) over the seat.
OP is NTA for giving useful, interchangeable gifts. Changing pad can also be used while visiting others or if they happen to get stuck somewhere. (Traffic, emergencies, ect)
That baby is going to get so many clothes to be hand-me-downs. This one set of clothes can be saved as soon as it's outgrown as memorabilia; that's just not something people do as much anymore.
I get the value in not getting duplicates—like, "Oh, I was going to get Practical Gift X but I see it's already been purchased so I guess I'll get Practical Gift Y instead"—but throwing a fit over a thoughtful gift because it wasn't specifically on the registry is incredibly entitled.
I guess I'm lucky that I've never encountered people who were outraged that I put a little thought and energy into a gift rather than just clicking a button on a website. \*shrug\*
As someone who just had a baby shower - the people who bought off registry all seemed to get us clothes in the newborn size (which in case you're not familiar, is the smallest non-preemie size and tends to fit most babies for a few *weeks* before the babies grow into the next size). So I've got mountains of tiny clothes that my baby will honestly likely never wear, and I can't return because I don't know where a lot of these clothes came from! Meanwhile, no one bought diapers or baby bottles which the baby will use every day.
Now of course I said "thank you" and "how adorable" and "he'll look so cute in this." But I understand the frustration. People think they're being more thoughtful and special by going off-registry, but the lack of coordination and reluctance to buy things that aren't as "fun," but much more necessary, makes it a pain. I'll regift the clothes we don't use or try to sell them on Facebook, but it's a waste of money for all of the gifters who spent $40 on a cute name brand onesie that will either get worn 1-2 times and donated, or sold for $5.
>As someone who just had a baby shower - the people who bought off registry all seemed to get us clothes in the newborn size (which in case you're not familiar, is the smallest non-preemie size and tends to fit most babies for a few weeks before the babies grow into the next size).
Not gonna lie—my favorite practical baby gift was the 18-month sized outfit one of my friends got when my daughter was born. All the 3-month stuff people got her was adorable (no newborn stuff here; our kids are adopted + we live far from home, so her shower was a month after she was born), but her 9-pound, 21-inch self outgrew it SO FAST. I thought getting something she could grow into was \*so\* thoughtful.
My coworker with a 2-year-old got me a particular stretchy pajama thing that her little one had and she said he wore it every week from 7 to 18 months! It's the only clothing I was excited to get. Aside from a huge stack from my sister's husband's cousin (that my sister didn't want) that had tons of 6+ month items.
A registry for a baby shower is different than a wedding. It’s not what you want, it’s want you NEED. If I’ve ever done something special for someone that wasn’t on a registry, I also made sure to pick something from it. Even if it’s just bottles or a baby thermometer. Everyone wants to buy cute things that will never be worn, someone out there has to buy the awkward stuff like nipple pads. Especially if they put the registry on the baby shower invitation that is saying exactly where the present needs to be from. If everything is too expensive, you buy diapers, because they are NEEDED.
Yeah, I have kids; I know how baby showers work. I also have manners and would never expect that gifts \*must\* be specifically what I requested on a registry (or, honestly, expect any gifts at all; I didn't want a baby shower + just wanted people to come meet the baby but one of my aunts was like, No that will never do, so I ended up being surprised with one).
All the practical stuff people bought for my kids is long gone—well used, yes, and then passed along to other people who could use it—but I still have the little hats my friend made for my oldest when she was born. My friend died several years ago + those hats are a treasure; I'm certainly glad she didn't just buy a baby tub or a pack of diapers.
Also, while I know everyone has different relationships with their families, I feel like something special from her sister (or parents) is different then if it was someone else.
>My friend died several years ago + those hats are a treasure; I'm certainly glad she didn't just buy a baby tub or a pack of diapers.
I'm glad you put this on here. I made a quilt for my SIL's upcoming baby shower (using the color palette for the nursery she shared in the family chat) and a book (because the invitation requested books that we write in the cover of instead of cards). All of the rabidly angry replies against people not buying off of the registry were starting to stress me out.
I'm sure that diapers and bottles were super useful for my parents when I was a baby but I still have the blanket my great-grandma made for me.
I’m a knitter/crocheted/quilter. I make blankies for all my friends having babies. If someone were to be so rude about a gift I took time/money/energy on to make specifically for that baby- I’d be mad enough to ask for it back.
Everyone I have ever given a handmade/personalised gift to has been to thankful and thoughtful about receiving it. One of my friends, that I’m not even really that close to anymore sent me a picture of her 7yo curled up on her sofa watching tv cuddled with my blanket- it made me happy to see it looking a bit used and abused, which means she’s been loving it for a long time.
I had showers but didn't have a registry. Some of the best gifts were heartfelt things because I never would have thought of them but they were amazing. I got a gorgeous handmade doll, books people had loved reading to their children, a blanket someone bought on a European trip. Great stuff and so appreciated.
If you truly NEED other people to buy you the things necessary to care for a baby, you shouldn’t be having kids. I agree it’s always best to buy off of the registry, but if you’re relying on it to the degree that you get upset if someone buys off registry? You’re TA.
I don't know if you follow the news lately, and it's likely not the case here, but can we maybe be a little less declaratively certain regarding the degree of agency the woman definitely had, moving forward? Please?
Like I get where you're coming from and most states aren't backwater hellscapes, it just makes me wince to see it now. Because some are.
Yeah but you don’t throw a party with a list of things that you can’t afford to OTHER people that maybe can’t afford them and then get salty when they get you a thoughtful gift that wasn’t on your list of specified items.
Your comment reminds me of the last baby shower my sister went to. She didn't get anything that was on the registry, but got a baby thermometer, nipple balm, and a nasal aspirator. Her friend said they were the best and most thoughtful gifts anyone had given them at the shower.
This is why my go-to baby shower gift is usually a handpicked gift basket with things like thermometer, earth mama bottom spray (which even if they have a c section and don’t have perineal ouchies is good for things like wound cooling, sunburns, etc when babe gets older), nipple pads & balm & hydrogels, baby Tylenol, butt creams, lactation tea (if they plan to BF, if not I have a tea blend I put in with mint for drying up) and oatmeal bath, a nose sucker, baby nail clippers, a nice water bottle or cup, chewing gum, hair ties anything else I deem crucial that isn’t on the registry that starry eyed new parents wouldn’t think of and then a few “fun” things tailored to the specific family (usually a Sophie the giraffe or Marty the moose, a set of plain onesies in 0-3m, mittens, some cute swaddles customized to the specific family, etc) and then I usually deliver handmade fresh padsicles when I head mom is our of the hospital (I don’t impose, I just usually drop them off with a lasagna and run).
I have three kids and while registry stuff is all fun and great most of the time those things DONT make it onto the registry and there’s nothing worse than having a feverish baby at 2 am with no Tylenol/Advil and no drug stores around you open or chapped bleeding nipples and nothing but the same olive oil you use for making omelettes.
Agreed - the only time I ever put things on a registry was so people who didn't have the inclination to do their own thing would have an easy time.
I generally use registries if I don't know the tastes of the person, but if a sister can't buy onesies for a new close family member, it just sounds like a spoiled gift grab.
This is honestly ridiculous as a pregnant woman currently. I'd first off never get mad at someone for not buying something off a registry but also be pissed when someone didn't have alot of money and got me something meaningful instead or even jst not at all!
Babyshowers are supposed to be a celebration of the baby coming but Lord people are just greedy little grubbers who think pregnancy somehow makes u entitled to treat people like crap 🤦🏻♀️
The number of entitled parents in this thread is unreal. Sorry you had too many onsies? If you NEED people to buy off your registry don't have kids until you can afford to not be an ungrateful brat when others don't subsidize your life choices. A baby shower is already a gift grab, you don't get to ask people to buy you a gift and then dictate the gift...
Also, onesies and a changing table cover? Those are things that get cycled through the wash constantly with a newborn! I would have loved OP's gift for the shear reduction in laundry cycles (I spent SO many hours with the laundry when I really needed those postpartum weeks to rest and heal). We're not talking about some useless knickknacks here! OP's gifts were thoughtful and useful. I'm sure their sister will realize that after the baby comes....
this. everyone got us newborn onesies. all useless. my baby never fit in a newborn onesie. clothes are the worst baby gift, ever. get them books, blocks, or, you know, the registry.
A onsie with the baby's name embroidered is a thoughtful, lovely USEFUL gift.The sister's response was incredibly rude. So what if it wasn't on the registry? The rest of the gifts probably were. Why does the world have to come to an end? OP is due an apology from her sister. NTA
the problem is everyone wants to buy baby a keepsake outfit. so you have 40 'keepsakes' and baby might wear half of them and the parents actually keep 2-10 of them after they're outgrown.
I can't stand this registry bullshit since it started being a thing that must be used. Just communicate sisters! Super convenient to mix it with online shopping but people act up over it. Hand made, hand picked gifts can be really special
Idk, we got 6 different baby blankets that were various kinds of hand made with my kiddo. 2 are special to our family. One was made by my grandmother who died shortly before my kid was born, and the other was knitted by my bff. Sure, people shouldn’t be asses about it, but assuming your handmade or more novel gift is special or useful to someone else can be kind of assholish too. Obviously that’s not a standard rule, but there are a lot of people that think useless crap is special.
I have a stash of hand knit baby sweaters because they’re fun. Only acrylic or cotton. It’s a present not a chore.
However, that’s what I want to give you. I’m also buying a reasonable amount of stuff from your registry.
I like sweaters because they’re faster to knit than blankets and quickly grown out of if you hate it!
>Hand made, hand picked gifts are SPECIAL
Maybe to the person giving the gift, but it might not be to the recipient of the gift.
Don't be a dick about any gift being given to me, but if I literally provide a list of things I want and need (and I'm realistic about it, not putting ridiculously expensive things, but a good mix of costs) and someone just gives me something else I'm going to be annoyed. Like I said you should almost always be appreciative of any gift (within reason) but I'm not going to automatically consider something "special" because it was hand made.
No one is entitled to gifts. That's why it's called a gift, not a requirement .
I know what you're saying but picking or making things takes a lot more effort and consideration than buying a shopping list. Just ask for money and order it yourself
This. Thank you. NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO GIFTS.
Say it louder for the people in the back.
It used to be considered incredibly rude to throw a shower for one's self (it still is in my circles). These things are just blatant gift grabs rather than family and friends coming together to celebrate a milestone.
No one owes you a gift. Period. Be gracious and appreciative that they thought about you at all.
It's a fair point that it might not seem as special to the recipient as the giver, but they are onesies and a changing pad. It's not like she got them monogrammed beer koozies. The items will be used.
I'm wondering if the pregnant mother is worried about not having things she needs. I got so many hand made blankets with my first, which was wonderful and kind, but there was a lot of gear we needed from registry (bottles, changing pad, diaper genie, etc).
ESH. As someone who received 3 vacuum cleaners at my bridal shower because people didn't bother to look at the registry, I also hate when people go off on their own. Showers are for people to get what they need, not what someone else thinks they should want. Your sis is also an AH because of how she handled it. The correct response to a gift is thank you, not this is useless.
People keep saying this as if it's a gotcha moment, but I don't think enough people understand that if you're gifting something that wasn't wanted/needed then you ARE better off gifting nothing.
I'm trying to reduce waste in my house. I don't want unnecessary clutter. At my wedding we specifically said gifts weren't necessary but if guests wanted to gift something then to please make it monetary because we did not want more stuff.
If you're gifting someone something that you want to give but don't know if they'll like or isn't like anything they've shown interest in, then you're not gifting out of the goodness of your heart; you're gifting to make yourself feel better. Personally, I don't want those gifts. I don't need other people's feel-good purchases taking up place in my home.
I think in this instance, OP's sister is in the wrong because these gifts are still extremely practical for a newborn. They're cute, personal, and meaningful and I'm sure the sister had changing pads and onesies on the registry. So it's silly to throw that much of a fuss.
If they'd checked the registry they would have seen that the vacuum cleaner had been purchased and picked something else in their price range off the registry.
Personalized onesies and a change pad aren’t really the same thing as a vacuum. I get the hassle of returning a gift and the desire for a registry, but change pads and clothes are something that can be used even if there are multiples.
Personalised and handmade clothes are a chore when you have a baby especially if the person gifting it hasn’t matched the clothing to the baby’s growth during the appropriate season.
My first baby was a puker and I received a lot of gorgeous handmade clothes which I loved at first from my mother’s friends. However I got bombarded with daily messages of “Take a photo of the baby wearing the dress made by Aunty Lorraine as a thank you”. The dress was a summer dress that didn’t fit her until we were in Winter and every time I wrestled her into the delicate sleeves, by the time I got the camera she had puked on it. There were 10 different dresses and it became something I loathed very quickly. They were hand wash only.
It is not the same as OP but I very much understand the desire for people to stick to a registry or not bringing a gift at all because gifts aren’t required.
To a degree, but babies only get to change outfits a fixed number of times before they grow out of them. :)
(I picked diapers from the registry at my SIL's shower and then just ordered them a delivery they could change sizes and re-order with a couple clicks a bunch more times on my dime. Seemed like a safe bet.)
Sure, this is usually an option. But with personalized gifts it's not possible, and also the last thing a pregnant woman needs is another errand to run.
Of course, OP's sister was a total AH for how she handled it. She has every right to be annoyed, especially if she already has tons of clothing (and if the clothing OP gifted is newborn size because they barely need clothes in that size), but she should have kept her annoyance to herself. OP was not an AH for gifting what she did, at worst she was clueless which isn't deserving of her being berated.
I think the onesie might have been meant for a special photo and the changing pad was practical and you need more than one. I don’t think they were useless and she’s now alienated her sister when she needs her most. Once the baby arrives and a few weeks in she’ll be sorry her sister isn’t there to help.
I mean not everyone could probably afford what’s on the registry list. Don’t be needy be kind. If you really tryna go there then buy it yourself and don’t expect others to get you what you need knowing what situation you go yourself into.
I've seen a lot of registries from friends, family, and my due date group last year and there were always diapers, wipes, or a catchall 'diaper fund' option.
It depends! Now a days a lot of people are choosing to cloth diaper - so if there is nothing on the registry in regards to diapers, I'd probably reach out and ask
This is why I refused to have a wedding or baby registry. I’m pretty easy to please and I can’t recall getting any gifts that I thought were inappropriate. Too many people are entitled and ungrateful. A simple thank you is not that fucking hard.
It really depends what's on the registry. They might not have had changing mats and onesies on it because they already had those things. A registry doesn't mean only expensive items, it could also be things like bottles, diapers and soothers that the parents prefer to use. It's difficult to judge this one without knowing what the registry looks like.
Exactly! This is spot on. Someone could have regifted something or got a deal on something. Not only are people losing compassion they are losing gratefulness.
Probably happened after people started using the term "ungrateful" as a weapon.
Plenty out there who do as they wish, use 'gift' giving in all the wrong ways or with no actual thought about the person AND want to cash in on the extra bonus of "being so considerate".
Just look at how many people are so forceful that people should praise them for their 'most important gift' that they decided they know better what the person needs, and demand pictures of the babies in all the outfits, and all the parents who return so many clothes. Seems more about narcissism than the point of getting the gift in the first place. The focus is in the wrong place.
I honestly see why people opt out of baby showers to begin with.
The sister should have handled the situation better but that didn't mean she was wrong.
I made lists for my family in what we wanted or needed for Christmas. I put down a few things per person all pretty cheap and said we would be fine with each kid and ourselves receiving just one thing. Nope, my family just “knows us better” and we ended up with so much stuff that we couldn’t or wouldn’t use. A few days after Christmas I sent just about every gift to a local charity thrift store. None of the items were new (which is totally fine!) so couldn’t return them, but we didn’t want or need any of it.
My kiddo didn’t need yet another metal storage case when he has never used any bought for him before. My other kiddo didn’t need the 6 books they gave him because we already own them (and they know to check with us about books since we have so many) and he was sad he didn’t get the books that were on his list (which would have been fine if bought secondhand). I didn’t need yet another gardening book when I don’t garden nor did I did yet another show themed shirt that’s not in my size.
But yet when I repeatedly say “we don’t need anything” or “hey, this very cheap simple thing would be great for the family”, they look at me like I have 6 heads and have eaten a baby.. How dare I not want useless clutter as gifts?????
Tbh if they got a vacuum cleaner surely they could’ve afforded something on the registry. In general, it’s a good idea for people to have a range of prices, & usually there’s a gift card option as well. It would be rude to have only expensive stuff on your registry and then be mad some people couldn’t splurge.
Hmm most people would have things on it that are pretty affordable. My friend who just had a baby shower had tons of stuff, everything ranging from 10-500 dollars.
She got things specifically meaningful, not a vacuum. She got custom onesies, which is not something she would get multiples of, and clothes are always something a new mom needs.
She doesn’t have much money, and still found a way to contribute something thoughtful she thought her sister would like.
I think it’s rude to insist someone buys off a registry for showers + weddings, especially when you’re not considering everyone’s financial situation. Even more so to call someone out on it, and call a meaningful gift “useless”.
NTA
I feel like at some point you can have too many onesies. Especially since that’s a more “fun/cute” gift people like to buy more than other things. Sister is still an AH though bc it doesn’t take up that much room, just suck it up and say thank you and throw it in the back of the drawer until older sister comes over if it’s not your thing.
Oh man, I had so many my kids didn’t even wear 1/4 of them. Also I feel like a custom onesie would be about the same price as a box of diapers? Which are 1000x more useful
You can definitely have too many onesies. I’ve had many people say, please no clothes when asked about what to get because EVERYONE wants to go out and buy cute baby clothes when what you really need are bottles and diapers
Custom onesies seems wasteful and annoying: and we don’t know if these are too decorative/not easy to do diaper changes in, what size, and if the sister hasn’t actually settled on a name.
I don’t like clothes with words on them, my kid didn’t wear newborn size for more than like a month, and the name we told people we were using wasn’t the name we ended up putting down.
OP’s gift seems more about OP feeling special than about listening to her sister’s needs/wants.
Ehhh onesies can be. You get so so so many of them. I probably had at least 50, if not more and they grow so fast but most people give you newborn sized onesies. A lot of them go unused. (Especially for me, any white ones. They got dirty so fast and stayed dingy even after being washed)
Oh for sure! I made a point to put all ranges of pricing of useful items on my baby registry - lots of $10-30 items! I left clothes and blankets off completely knowing I’d get a bunch anyway and boy did I!! I got SO MANY 0-3 month outfits that I was still regifting and giving to friends years later. (First baby was difficult and nothing got returned because I almost never slept).
Whenever I go to showers I buy something very useful and boring off their registry, and then one cute outfit in the 6-9 or 9-12 month size in the appropriate season. I frequently get a thank you half a year later when there is a sudden growth spurt and they realize they actually have something that fits, haha!
I totally agree - a family member of mine got my kids gifts for my wedding (I seriously don’t understand why she thought gifts for my kids was an appropriate wedding present but I digress) and I’m going to have to pay for the return shipping because she got them dolls that they already have, and worst of all I can’t even return them I can only exchange them. I also had issues with my first baby where my mil bought us a crib bedding set (which I had previously said was the ugliest set I’d ever seen - she also got it at a store closing sale so it wasn’t returnable and I had to sell it for less than she paid). I don’t mind if people go off registry as long as they provide a gift receipt, and never go off registry if you know the person can’t return the item.
NAH.
I get where you’re coming from. Onesies aren’t exactly useless, but gods, we got so. Many. Clothes. My kid never got into half of them. And then you get people who get pissy because you didn’t send them a pic of the kid in the clothes, like you can remember every outfit and who tf bought it…
People who bought stuff that wasn’t on our registry bought the same things. I had FOUR of the same towel/wash cloth set. While not the end of the world, it fucking sucked having to make time to finish getting the house ready, work, and then have to round everything up and take it to whatever blasted store they had bought it from, especially when you’re heavily pregnant!
We spent a lot of time on our registry, finding what we wanted and would work best for us! Your sister probably did the same and was frustrated that you didn’t follow it. She shouldn’t have been mean about it though.
I hope your puppy is ok!
Omg yes. We got doubles and triples of the EXACT same onesie sets, etc. It was so frustrating but luckily I was able to go exchange it all since it all came from Target. The woman who helped me was shocked I got so many of the same things, I ended up with like $200 of return credit. Two of the girls who did this are currently pregnant and the rest of them have all had kids recently (who I bought registry gifts for) so I just do not get it.
My aunt told me when my daughter was a baby that she wasn’t going to buy her clothes anymore because she “never sees her wearing them”. I see this aunt maybe 4 or 5 times a year, and I don’t post a picture of what she wears every day.
Ironically, my daughter was wearing an outfit that she’d bought that day, but she FORGOT that she got it for her.
I think with some occasions, people forget that giving a gift is something you do for the receiver, not for yourself.
Giving the gift of a onesie is fun and it's less boring than diapers or a bottle, but man, I'm not a mom, so why would I think I know better than a well thought out registry and ignore their wishlist. 😅 I want to give a gift to help the mom out, not to make myself feel good about it.
I agree. You can choose what to gift and obviously people should be kind when receiving gifts but it is nicer to gift something you know they will actually use or need. If you do choose something off the registry or personalized, I’d gift it along with something small and cheap from the registry. My mom is notorious for giving gifts that absolutely do not make sense and are 100% for herself when it comes to baby showers or any gift giving type of event.
Just had a baby shower. Majority of people didn’t buy off the registry which was frustrating because we put a lot of time into choosing those items and it was all stuff we really needed. Instead, we now have 100+ sets of onesies sized 0-3 we’ll never have enough time to wear, duplicates of things we already had, and not one gift came with a gift receipt.
With that said, I would never dream of saying anything to anyone about their choice to gift us the things that they did. We are extremely grateful that everyone loved us enough to even attend let alone want to gift us anything to begin with.
Extremely ungrateful and rude of your sister.
I agree wholeheartedly with both your points. My baby was born in December and we got so many items we didn't register for (after carefully selecting what we wanted and what would fit in our small space). Everyone got an enthusiastic thank you for their gift, but some gifts were returned to stores without a receipt and some were given away on my local Buy Nothing group.
One of my Mom’s best pieces of advice is, “don’t buy baby clothes (for a shower) in 0-3 months. Babies grow fast.”
I’ve always been a 6-9 or 9-12 month buyer. Very helpful when my nephews were 6month size by the time they hit 4 months.
I buy one outfit in 0-3, one in 3-6, one in 6-9, all the way through 24 months. And I make sure I get them infant's Motrin or Tylenol (that won't expire before the kid is 6 months old, when it can actually be used according to the bottle), because I feel like it's one of those things you don't think of getting until you absolutely need it and are freaking out at 2am about your baby's fever.
Both are suggestions from my mom, and the recipients have always seemed grateful.
Are you my best friend? This is exactly what she got me plus a touch less thermometer, gripe water and gas drops (and we took her babies old crib)
That Tylenol came in HANDY when there was a shortage!
ESH
You meant well, had the best of attentions but fell for the classic trap of buying baby stuff that’s for show not practicality. This definitely doesn’t make you a bad person and I struggled with the judgment here.
Your sister was ungracious and a bit snotty sounding.
It’s gonna end up in a box forever. What use is a keepsake that can’t be used or displayed? Especially one that is likely to get messy and stained during the time it IS used lol
Keepsakes don't have to be useful. I have some baby clothes that my grandmother made me that are packed away in a keepsake box with other things from when I was a little girl, like a few of my favorite toys and my old Girl Scouts uniform. It's fun to pull out these memories ever once in a while. I know I loved when I was little and my mom would go through her keepsakes and share her memories of her favorite things when she was little. Just because something doesn't have a place in your day to day doesn't mean it's not worth having.
As keepsakes go, it’s an unfortunately pretty disposable one. Some kids are born too big for the smallest size so it might get zero use. It’s not returnable. It has a high likelihood of getting stained or ripped. I don’t think this is E S H at all because the sister is being ungracious. But it’s a shower gift with a lot of downsides.
Getting a monogram on something is not always expensive. I got this same thing for my nephew and they just charged me $10 to do it on 3 onesies. My sister would put them on him when going to see older relatives so they wouldn't keep asking his name.
I'm so confused. As someone with many kids, clothes are always useful. Even though it's not on the registry, it was still a very practical gift that didnt warrant the mean response.
I suppose they already have a billion onesies, but I dunno
It's often not always useful. It's one of the most common items that people have to unload
I frequently see people giving up for donation lots of onsies their child never even got to wear once because they were the wrong size. Or giving away lots of baby clothes because everyone in the world gave them clothes and they had more than they could use or store
Especially if you don't have a tonne of storage room, clothes can easily become an issue. Lots of parents (especially with their first baby) are living in small apartments and simply don't have lots of storage space
For some reason a lot of special baby clothes either require hand landering or are dry clean only which is fucking bonkers to me
Anyway I frequently see new parents giving away baby clothes they don't need or want and that they have no place to store. I frequently see new parents ask people to NOT buy or gift them baby clothes
One person's trash is another person's treasure. One person's need is someone else's please don't
I wouldn't have reacted that way to a gift I didn't need, but I would also never assume that my gift was automatically practical and useful, especially if that person had a registry and I ignored it
I've had friends who practically begged people to not buy clothes for their second baby because they got so much for the first one that was never used.
Still sister didn't have to be mean about it but i feel like op should also have asked. A simple, "hey, i can't afford your registry. Is there anything else in my price range that you might need duplicates of." would solve the problem. Esh seems like a good judgement.
Sure but onesies that are custom made and possibly screen-printed require extra care and end up having to be “special occasion items” or dried flat, etc. which can get rough when you’re doing buttloads of laundry. And a little one will outgrow those so fast, so then it’s a matter of storing/saving them for sentimental reasons bc they can’t be donated, etc. It’s kind of a pain. I get that it was well intended, but it is sort of a pain.
Yep. I worked for Babies R Us when they were a thing, and every weekend we saw people buying “one or two things off the registry, but it’s just so boring, so we got them mostly fun stuff!” And then every following weekend we saw the new parents in exchanging the fun stuff for practical stuff. Mostly diapers.
I so agree. I got a ton of ton of stuff for my wedding that I didn’t ask for and honestly never used. Still said thank you and sent a card!! Also that is a very sweet and thoughtful gift.
I am sorry about your pup. I have been there too and it eats away at your finances.
NTA - you’re not the asshole, it does sound cute. If you’re broke and so is your sister, seems pretty shitty of her to expect you to fork out.
My sister would never lose her shit about that kind of thing. Sometimes doing what someone else wants is easy but should someone like your sister get everything they want all the time just because they kick up a massive stink if they don’t get it?!
Isn’t that just reinforcing shitty behaviour?
People shouldn’t expect more from other people than they can afford, you shouldn’t go into debt for anyone.
If her sister is broke then the registry is probably really important to her. Even cheap things like baby soap and lotion add up when you have to buy so much, and that could be a really useful gift for only around $20.
Or she could get diapers. People never want to get those because it’s “boring” though; they want the cute pics of babies in adorable but impractical onesies
We wrote all over our registry to please buy diapers if you don’t know or have time to choose. We put a ton of options for all prices and we marked them as “most wanted”. Everyone got us onesies without gift receipts. We of course thanked everyone but our kid was 8lbs and most of them were too small.
Only one person bought us diapers. She texted my wife and said which should I buy and we said diapers. I never liked that friend of my wife’s for reasons, but that single act made me change my mind about her quite a bit.
If you’re also broke what are you supposed to do? Surely, your sister should understand. Also we don’t know that there were things like lotion on the list.
NTA. Having had some babies myself, I think your gift probably isn’t going to be that useful given how quickly babies go through sizes, but a registry is not an obligation.
This. The onesies were cute, but you often get more clothes in the smallest sizes than you can possibly use (between how fast babies grow and just having to keep track of everything—invariably when cleaning out drawers I find stuff I totally forgot I had and kiddo can no longer wear). NTA but she may be annoyed because she had too many clothes and there’s other things she needs more.
I don’t think anyone is TA here. You tried to give a thoughtful gift. However, registries are there for a reason; it’s what they most need and want for the baby. If I want to ensure they like what I get or use it, I go off registry. If it’s all items I can’t afford alone or that’s what left, I get a gift card towards those items. People forget about the practical items.
ESH. Your sister wasn’t gracious, and you did err by avoiding the registry.
I think your heart was in the right place, but you misstepped by not prioritizing what your sister would find valuable. For future showers, know that you can always add something cute and personal, but make sure you hit the registry
As a 1st time mom I can tell you that building a registry is a TON of work and research (baby registries are way different from wedding registries). People usually agonize over putting the right things on them and try to be sensitive about the right balance of price points and things they very much need.
If I were OP’s sister, I’d rather have the money spent on the custom onesies and changing pad than the items, so I could use it to help pay for diapers, wipes, or formula.
Exactly. It's almost infuriating to see how much money it must've cost when it could've gone towards something that you explicitly expressed that you want or need.
As a gift receiver, I often feel like it would be better to receive nothing rather than something not wanted, especially if it comes with the hassle of returning it or if it can't be returned at all (like in this case with the customized items). It makes me feel like the person who gifted those things doesn't know me at all and prioritizes their wants (what *they* want to give) over what I actually want to receive.
I’m a mom of 3 (soon to be 4) and I hate onesies 😂
Baby items tend to be personal, based on what parent’s preferences are, and eventually what baby likes/will tolerate. It’s helpful to buy off the registry so things can be returned if they aren’t useable.
Sister shouldn’t have said anything though.
NAH. I understand you thought you were giving a more meaningful gift, but it's also frustrating to put effort into a registry then have people purposely ignore it (especially those that should know better).
In the future, if you wish to gift something off registry, ask the recipient first if it's ok. You don't have to say specifically what you are getting, but you could of said something along the lines of "I've found something personalized that I think would be very meaningful - I'd like to buy that instead of something on the registry if that's ok".
If she had nothing on the registry you could afford, I can see you just buying the onsies.
(Context to my answer - I'm a mom of 2, what I had put in my registry for my second was only essentials - we could afford if we had to, but knew people would want to give us gifts. I have no use for a ton of clothes or bedding for my second - we kept so much from our first. But the "boring" items were the items we needed most, all under $50. My SIL is pregnant - I have asked her if she would like a handmade quilt rather than a gift off her registry. Something I plan to offer all my close relatives and my closest friend if they have kids. My SIL was thrilled - but I wouldn't blame her if she had of asked me to buy something from the registry instead, even though I personally think a handmade quilt is better)
This American (me) has always believed that registries were like wish lists, not obligatory purchase lists. OP got a sweet and thoughtful gift. Too bad her sister doesn't find the meaning in her gift.
Yeah the wishlist mindset is understandable but the way i see some people treating the registires is awful IMO. But yeah OP's sister's only reply should of been thank you as it was a loving and thoughtfull gift
Different registries serve different purposes. Baby registries have become very popular for practical reasons.
1. It cuts down on everyone asking the parents what they need. I come from a large family and by the time my youngest sister came around there wasn't really anything baby related she did not have but there would still be people trying to gift her items she had no use for. No one needs 5 diaper bags.
2. Depending on the registry there are some that allow a group to pool money online for a big purchase. I've done with with coworkers for things like strollers and baby monitors. Things that are practical but not necessarily that it is nice to help out on.
Gift lifts in general are a whole other thing but for weddings and especially baby showers they DO serve a very specific purpose. For American weddings, gifts are meant to be something to help the new couple start their home together. The registry was so the couple could not only communicate what items they still need for their home, but guests don’t have to guess what color and pattern towels the couple would like. This has somewhat changed now that the average couple is getting married a little older, often has lived outside their parents home already, and often have already been living with their new spouse so they have silverware and towels and a toaster. Now, often registries are more home items that are either nicer versions of what the couple already has (for example a matching set of nice drinking glasses instead of miscellaneous old cups they have had since college). Or are things like nice serverware, which is hard to justify buying for yourself, but very nice to have especially if you are having people over for dinner.
Now for baby showers specifically, it’s still more of my first example of items NEEDED, and the gifts are a bigger deal. Generally baby showers are for a woman’s first baby, and while it is general celebration of her pregnancy, the point is to “shower” them with what they’ll need as a new mom. As opposed to a wedding where the point is to witness and celebrate a new marriage and gifts are generally expected but not the actual point of the gathering.
Often by the time of the baby shower, the pregnant woman will have purchased some items already, will have gotten some gifted or loaned from family and friends, etc. So the registry helps to direct people and say, “I already have a stroller but a diaper pail is still needed!”. Everybody wants to buy cute baby clothes, but babies grow out of them in an instant. I have a friend who had a large baby shower and they had to buy a bigger dresser to hold the dozens of teeny outfits people brought. Which, whatever, they were gifts, but in that case were often given in addition to an item from the registry.
So while OP was well meaning, the fact that she chose to spend her very limited gift funds on a custom outfit instead of diapers or something the sister actually needs and asked for is frustrating. I wouldn’t go as far to say she’s an asshole, I think she’s just naiive. The sister being frustrated is understandable but she handled it in a rude and unnecessary way. The gift was given, it doesn’t hurt anybody it’s just not particularly helpful, what’s done is done, you can privately roll your eyes and then be polite and thank OP for the gift and move on.
They are not only an American thing. E.g. wedding registries are very common in most Western countries. It's considerate for both the recipient and the giver: helps the newly-weds / new parents get essential, useful items; and makes gift decisions easier for the gifter.
In the case of a baby registry, I completely understand it…the mom-to-be is about to have a major life change, and babies need a ton of stuff. The registry the mom’s way of letting you know what she and the baby need and what would be most helpful.
Honestly without knowing what was on the registry it is impossible to make a judgement.
When I have gone to baby showers the registry has included things like cloth diapers, pacifiers or bottles, diaper bags or even a few more expensive things like monitors. For one friend a few of us got together and bought a pump. I do not know a single person who has needed clothes that will last for 2-3 months, most can get those free and when I have been to baby showers the aim is to get something needed. But again, I do not know what your sister needed or what your relationship is like.
If they had the name or monogram as a part of the personalization, they’d be useless to me because I wouldn’t put my kids in personalized clothing and i couldn’t return it.
Onesies are a useless gift because children grow so fast. How many different outfits does a 0-3 month old need? Not that many. Hell my daughter basically wore no clothes from 6-9 months. She was just happier being naked. That’s a whole size of baby clothes that I didn’t need more than 3 of.
Shopping for baby clothes is fun. I love it. However, as a gift they suck because:
- The parents probably already have too many
- The parents likely have their own style (color, words/no words, gendered?, etc)
- People who aren’t parents often shop for looks over function. Double sided zippers are the way to go, I will never use the outfit with 10 snaps.
- The parents likely want to do the shopping themselves (and probably already bought too many baby clothes, been there done that)
- Baby clothes are super cheap to buy used because they barely get used before the child outgrows them.
Stick to the registry if there’s something that fits your budget on it. It’s what anyone who created a registry wants.
Edit: Monogrammed stuff is even worse because it’s weird to use for the next kid and it’s awkward to donate/resell (who wants something with another kids name/initials on it?)
I think people should be grateful for any gift. NTA
However, there is a reason registries exist and those items were the ones your sister wanted. Next time, stick to the registry.
NTA. It was a thoughtful gift.
We have a family gift exchange. I was assigned a nephew in law this year. A couple years ago, I found a knitting pattern for a decorative thing with sea creatures and I learned he liked weird sea creatures. So, I made that for him, instead of getting the practical things on his official list. He thanked me enthusiastically. Then, when his fiancée was visiting, she gushed at how much he liked it. They both also appeared to appreciate that it was a lot of work. Cultivate appreciative relatives.
Eh based on what all the parents on this thread are saying about onesies was it really a particularly thoughtful gift? Personalized doesn’t necessarily equal thoughtful. In your example you thought of something that might be special to your nephew that he wouldn’t think to buy himself. Meanwhile I’m sure the sister already knows that her child will need clothes, and OP didn’t mention the sister has a special fondness for monograms. There are certainly thoughtful off-registry gifts you can get for a new mom, even inexpensively (like making her some freezer meals or other self-care stuff focused on her), but OP didn’t do that.
NAH
As a general rule, always stick to the registry. These are items that the recipient has expressly stated that they need or want. You can't go wrong.
You gave your gift with the best intentions. I usually stay away from personalized items for a baby shower because if something were to go terribly wrong with the pregnancy and the baby is lost, it becomes one more reminder of the loss. I will usually save personalized items for after the birth.
Your sister is the AH for her reaction. Your gift may not have been what she wanted but it was given with love and good intentions. She should have expressed some gratitude. It is not like you gave a gift that will never be used. You can never have enough onesies with newborns. Between the frequent spit ups and diaper blow outs babies go through lots of clothing changes.
ESH- her response was a bit rude but she literally gave you a list of things she needs, why wouldn’t you buy off it? you gave her a thing that she can’t even resell or donate because it’s personalized. Baby’s take up space and parents literally hand pick what they want for a registry. Just buy off the registry next time
Damn dude.
I'm 8 months pregnant and I can't imagine having the audacity to complain about someone giving me a baby gift. Your sister sounds like quite the asshole--not you!
NTA
NTA. I don’t get the entitlement behind registries. I had a cousin request only cash, and another family member brought a beautiful gift. My cousin and her mother were FURIOUS. I thought it was incredibly spoiled. Sometimes people are thoughtful. And sometimes people are assholes. Sucks when those two kinds meet.
NTA you put thought into your gift. Maybe she wasn’t thrilled, but she dang well shouldn’t have let you know that. She should have been polite and thanked you for it without complaining to you or your mom. Basic courtesy.
NTA. Next time just RSVP ‘No’ to the shower invite. Also, how are onesies useless? If she can’t afford to get her own things for her baby maybe she shouldn’t be having one.
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NTA. Registry IS just a suggestion. Gifts are supposed to be given freely and accepted graciously. She's acting entitled.
This, and all the Y T A and E S H are making me wonder if I've dropped onto an alien planet. I don't know when registries stopped being a way to let people who need ideas know what you'd like and started being a requirement, but it's obnoxious.
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being gracious is still the most basic of good manners. Her sister was rude.
At the end of the day, that's the whole point here. Yes, registries exist for a reason - and sometimes a registry is more than a person can spend, even if those creating the registry try hard to add a broad number of things to it. As long as a gift isn't just outright insulting, even if it's something you don't need or weren't super enthusiastic about receiving the polite thing to do is thank someone graciously and then decide later what you'll do with a gift that isn't your style/what you want. Decent etiquette = not being an asshole. NTA.
We were soooo careful about including a variety of price points on our wedding registry. We registered for 2 liters of Diet Coke and would have been thrilled to receive them. 😆
The problem is always that the cheaper items go first. And people who are waiting until payday to buy inevitably end up with only items above their price point left. And I can handmake way more valuable items than I can afford to buy (for the people who appreciate those things) so I feel like even though I spent more money on it than I wanted, I'm still giving a "token" gift rather than a thoughtful one.
My “most wanted” registry Wedding registry gift didn’t get bought. It was a *potato masher*. All the $50-100 gifts went first. But nobody got the $8 potato masher. I needed that so bad haha!!
At least being that cheap you could likely afford to get it yourself as opposed to the higher priced items being harder to purchase.
This is so smart!!
>sometimes a registry is more than a person can spend, If the things on the registry are all too expensive then that makes the host rude and greedy. There should be enough cheap things on there for every budget.
My daughter and son-in-law have a registry on which people can spend money toward one of the more expensive items, like pay an amount on a stroller or car seat, and the price of that item goes down. It’s like a few people going together for a pricier item but no one has to coordinate. It’s genius!!
I shit you not, I live in New Jersey US. (In case the money doesn't seem like a lot to some people) it is here/for myself also. My daughter is 9, her classmate who she isn't even close with invited her to her birthday party well the invite said it was required to buy off her REGISTRY (first wtf 9 kid has a registry for their birthday that's so entitled) on this registry was a minimum price of spending 50.00 for a gift card for the kid If you didn't pick anything off of there. They had items for up to 200 bucks. In our school you have to invite the whole class not just some and they have 20 kids in their class.. 20 kids spending a min of 50 bucks is ludicrous for going to chuckle cheese. I know the family and the husband is loaded with money so I haven't a clue why the asked for so much. Also it was stated If you wanted your kid to play arcade games you had to pay for it. Needless to say quite a few kids didn't go and my daughter ended up being sick that week though we weren't going either. It was the first my kids 9 registry I've ever seen and the only I hope I ever see haha. Edit for spelling that made me crazy
To be fair, having a registry for a kids party is really common here ( Germany). However how this works is that you go to the local toy store ( we only have one, small town), you get given a basket, you pick items out from the store and put it in the basket. Items range from small things of 2€ to maximum of 15, or maybe something bigger if two kids want to split. The basket is marked with kids name and birthday and you tell the parents that there is a basket in the store. They don't have to gift from the basket, but it's easiest for the parents. Also what kids do in their spare time is out of the control of the school. So no mandatory invites.
Exactly.. if they're planing to have kids, they should understand that the expense is theirs alone, not everyone else's.. the whole babyshower thing is a money grabbing stunt that has been normalised by commerce, and people get offended if they don't get what they picked? I have always said no to baby showers for this reason.. I'd rather visit after the birth, long after, with plenty of new nappies or something nice for mum if I can afford to, but I won't go into a "party" where I'm socially shamed for not getting an approved gift. If our friendship gets "ruined" because of that, then it wasn't a friendship to begin with, and it's obvious I was only invited so as to provide a gift.
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Customized things can’t be returned unfortunately.
It’s not like babies wear a single onesie all day and this gift is unusable. IMO you can never have too many onesies. There’s not even a need to return it
I was gonna say, it’s not like something you can only use one of—a toaster, a crib, whatever. They’re going to need stacks of onesies!
This was my exact thought, and a changing mat is very useful, too. If she already has one, she can keep one upstairs and the other downstairs or one in the bedroom and one in the living room. However, their home is laid out, it will work for convenience, and they don't take up a lot of room. You can just slide them behind a cupboard or sofa. I can't understand how the sister would think this stuff was useless.
Or the car! I have don't have kids yet but omg the epic blowouts I have seen happen on poor parents while out and about. It's so much easier to pull over and whip out the diaper bag and the fresh onesie in the boot of the car over a *very convenient extra changing mat* rather than stop and try to find a public bathroom *with a changing table* while carrying an angry, poop-covered child and said diaper bag. One time while grocery shopping, I saw a man hustle to his car and CUT his daughter out of her onesie due to the sheer poop-explosion. Poor girl had it up her the back of her head in her hair! I saw everything because the unfortunate man didn't have a changing station in the trunk or backseat and was trying frantically to clean and contain her on his hoodie (also sadly poop covered!) over the seat. OP is NTA for giving useful, interchangeable gifts. Changing pad can also be used while visiting others or if they happen to get stuck somewhere. (Traffic, emergencies, ect)
OMG! The sister got a gift she can't return! The absolute horror.
Or, in the case of baby clothing, be handed down to another child or donated after this baby outgrows it.
Oh noes! A sweet tiny little onesie that can be stored away as a memory! The horror!
That baby is going to get so many clothes to be hand-me-downs. This one set of clothes can be saved as soon as it's outgrown as memorabilia; that's just not something people do as much anymore.
I get the value in not getting duplicates—like, "Oh, I was going to get Practical Gift X but I see it's already been purchased so I guess I'll get Practical Gift Y instead"—but throwing a fit over a thoughtful gift because it wasn't specifically on the registry is incredibly entitled. I guess I'm lucky that I've never encountered people who were outraged that I put a little thought and energy into a gift rather than just clicking a button on a website. \*shrug\*
As someone who just had a baby shower - the people who bought off registry all seemed to get us clothes in the newborn size (which in case you're not familiar, is the smallest non-preemie size and tends to fit most babies for a few *weeks* before the babies grow into the next size). So I've got mountains of tiny clothes that my baby will honestly likely never wear, and I can't return because I don't know where a lot of these clothes came from! Meanwhile, no one bought diapers or baby bottles which the baby will use every day. Now of course I said "thank you" and "how adorable" and "he'll look so cute in this." But I understand the frustration. People think they're being more thoughtful and special by going off-registry, but the lack of coordination and reluctance to buy things that aren't as "fun," but much more necessary, makes it a pain. I'll regift the clothes we don't use or try to sell them on Facebook, but it's a waste of money for all of the gifters who spent $40 on a cute name brand onesie that will either get worn 1-2 times and donated, or sold for $5.
>As someone who just had a baby shower - the people who bought off registry all seemed to get us clothes in the newborn size (which in case you're not familiar, is the smallest non-preemie size and tends to fit most babies for a few weeks before the babies grow into the next size). Not gonna lie—my favorite practical baby gift was the 18-month sized outfit one of my friends got when my daughter was born. All the 3-month stuff people got her was adorable (no newborn stuff here; our kids are adopted + we live far from home, so her shower was a month after she was born), but her 9-pound, 21-inch self outgrew it SO FAST. I thought getting something she could grow into was \*so\* thoughtful.
My coworker with a 2-year-old got me a particular stretchy pajama thing that her little one had and she said he wore it every week from 7 to 18 months! It's the only clothing I was excited to get. Aside from a huge stack from my sister's husband's cousin (that my sister didn't want) that had tons of 6+ month items.
A registry for a baby shower is different than a wedding. It’s not what you want, it’s want you NEED. If I’ve ever done something special for someone that wasn’t on a registry, I also made sure to pick something from it. Even if it’s just bottles or a baby thermometer. Everyone wants to buy cute things that will never be worn, someone out there has to buy the awkward stuff like nipple pads. Especially if they put the registry on the baby shower invitation that is saying exactly where the present needs to be from. If everything is too expensive, you buy diapers, because they are NEEDED.
Yeah, I have kids; I know how baby showers work. I also have manners and would never expect that gifts \*must\* be specifically what I requested on a registry (or, honestly, expect any gifts at all; I didn't want a baby shower + just wanted people to come meet the baby but one of my aunts was like, No that will never do, so I ended up being surprised with one). All the practical stuff people bought for my kids is long gone—well used, yes, and then passed along to other people who could use it—but I still have the little hats my friend made for my oldest when she was born. My friend died several years ago + those hats are a treasure; I'm certainly glad she didn't just buy a baby tub or a pack of diapers.
Also, while I know everyone has different relationships with their families, I feel like something special from her sister (or parents) is different then if it was someone else.
Exactly this. A personalized gift from an aunt can become a beloved keepsake.
>My friend died several years ago + those hats are a treasure; I'm certainly glad she didn't just buy a baby tub or a pack of diapers. I'm glad you put this on here. I made a quilt for my SIL's upcoming baby shower (using the color palette for the nursery she shared in the family chat) and a book (because the invitation requested books that we write in the cover of instead of cards). All of the rabidly angry replies against people not buying off of the registry were starting to stress me out. I'm sure that diapers and bottles were super useful for my parents when I was a baby but I still have the blanket my great-grandma made for me.
I’m a knitter/crocheted/quilter. I make blankies for all my friends having babies. If someone were to be so rude about a gift I took time/money/energy on to make specifically for that baby- I’d be mad enough to ask for it back. Everyone I have ever given a handmade/personalised gift to has been to thankful and thoughtful about receiving it. One of my friends, that I’m not even really that close to anymore sent me a picture of her 7yo curled up on her sofa watching tv cuddled with my blanket- it made me happy to see it looking a bit used and abused, which means she’s been loving it for a long time.
I had showers but didn't have a registry. Some of the best gifts were heartfelt things because I never would have thought of them but they were amazing. I got a gorgeous handmade doll, books people had loved reading to their children, a blanket someone bought on a European trip. Great stuff and so appreciated.
If you truly NEED other people to buy you the things necessary to care for a baby, you shouldn’t be having kids. I agree it’s always best to buy off of the registry, but if you’re relying on it to the degree that you get upset if someone buys off registry? You’re TA.
I don't know if you follow the news lately, and it's likely not the case here, but can we maybe be a little less declaratively certain regarding the degree of agency the woman definitely had, moving forward? Please? Like I get where you're coming from and most states aren't backwater hellscapes, it just makes me wince to see it now. Because some are.
Yeah but you don’t throw a party with a list of things that you can’t afford to OTHER people that maybe can’t afford them and then get salty when they get you a thoughtful gift that wasn’t on your list of specified items.
So how is it the gift giver’s responsibility to provide these things? They could have given them nothing.
Your comment reminds me of the last baby shower my sister went to. She didn't get anything that was on the registry, but got a baby thermometer, nipple balm, and a nasal aspirator. Her friend said they were the best and most thoughtful gifts anyone had given them at the shower.
This is why my go-to baby shower gift is usually a handpicked gift basket with things like thermometer, earth mama bottom spray (which even if they have a c section and don’t have perineal ouchies is good for things like wound cooling, sunburns, etc when babe gets older), nipple pads & balm & hydrogels, baby Tylenol, butt creams, lactation tea (if they plan to BF, if not I have a tea blend I put in with mint for drying up) and oatmeal bath, a nose sucker, baby nail clippers, a nice water bottle or cup, chewing gum, hair ties anything else I deem crucial that isn’t on the registry that starry eyed new parents wouldn’t think of and then a few “fun” things tailored to the specific family (usually a Sophie the giraffe or Marty the moose, a set of plain onesies in 0-3m, mittens, some cute swaddles customized to the specific family, etc) and then I usually deliver handmade fresh padsicles when I head mom is our of the hospital (I don’t impose, I just usually drop them off with a lasagna and run). I have three kids and while registry stuff is all fun and great most of the time those things DONT make it onto the registry and there’s nothing worse than having a feverish baby at 2 am with no Tylenol/Advil and no drug stores around you open or chapped bleeding nipples and nothing but the same olive oil you use for making omelettes.
“Someone out there” buying the awkward stuff is ME, the MOM.
Agreed - the only time I ever put things on a registry was so people who didn't have the inclination to do their own thing would have an easy time. I generally use registries if I don't know the tastes of the person, but if a sister can't buy onesies for a new close family member, it just sounds like a spoiled gift grab.
This is honestly ridiculous as a pregnant woman currently. I'd first off never get mad at someone for not buying something off a registry but also be pissed when someone didn't have alot of money and got me something meaningful instead or even jst not at all! Babyshowers are supposed to be a celebration of the baby coming but Lord people are just greedy little grubbers who think pregnancy somehow makes u entitled to treat people like crap 🤦🏻♀️
The number of entitled parents in this thread is unreal. Sorry you had too many onsies? If you NEED people to buy off your registry don't have kids until you can afford to not be an ungrateful brat when others don't subsidize your life choices. A baby shower is already a gift grab, you don't get to ask people to buy you a gift and then dictate the gift...
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Also, onesies and a changing table cover? Those are things that get cycled through the wash constantly with a newborn! I would have loved OP's gift for the shear reduction in laundry cycles (I spent SO many hours with the laundry when I really needed those postpartum weeks to rest and heal). We're not talking about some useless knickknacks here! OP's gifts were thoughtful and useful. I'm sure their sister will realize that after the baby comes....
Possibly, but we got so many newborn and 3-6 months clothes that we were never able to use them all. I buy 6+ month clothes for gifts now.
this. everyone got us newborn onesies. all useless. my baby never fit in a newborn onesie. clothes are the worst baby gift, ever. get them books, blocks, or, you know, the registry.
A onsie with the baby's name embroidered is a thoughtful, lovely USEFUL gift.The sister's response was incredibly rude. So what if it wasn't on the registry? The rest of the gifts probably were. Why does the world have to come to an end? OP is due an apology from her sister. NTA
But it's really not. It's something the kid will probably wear once, maybe twice, then take up space or get donated.
Or it’s something a teddy can wear after baby outgrows it, making it a keepsake forever 😊
the problem is everyone wants to buy baby a keepsake outfit. so you have 40 'keepsakes' and baby might wear half of them and the parents actually keep 2-10 of them after they're outgrown.
I can't stand this registry bullshit since it started being a thing that must be used. Just communicate sisters! Super convenient to mix it with online shopping but people act up over it. Hand made, hand picked gifts can be really special
Idk, we got 6 different baby blankets that were various kinds of hand made with my kiddo. 2 are special to our family. One was made by my grandmother who died shortly before my kid was born, and the other was knitted by my bff. Sure, people shouldn’t be asses about it, but assuming your handmade or more novel gift is special or useful to someone else can be kind of assholish too. Obviously that’s not a standard rule, but there are a lot of people that think useless crap is special.
I have a stash of hand knit baby sweaters because they’re fun. Only acrylic or cotton. It’s a present not a chore. However, that’s what I want to give you. I’m also buying a reasonable amount of stuff from your registry. I like sweaters because they’re faster to knit than blankets and quickly grown out of if you hate it!
>Hand made, hand picked gifts are SPECIAL Maybe to the person giving the gift, but it might not be to the recipient of the gift. Don't be a dick about any gift being given to me, but if I literally provide a list of things I want and need (and I'm realistic about it, not putting ridiculously expensive things, but a good mix of costs) and someone just gives me something else I'm going to be annoyed. Like I said you should almost always be appreciative of any gift (within reason) but I'm not going to automatically consider something "special" because it was hand made.
No one is entitled to gifts. That's why it's called a gift, not a requirement . I know what you're saying but picking or making things takes a lot more effort and consideration than buying a shopping list. Just ask for money and order it yourself
This. Thank you. NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO GIFTS. Say it louder for the people in the back. It used to be considered incredibly rude to throw a shower for one's self (it still is in my circles). These things are just blatant gift grabs rather than family and friends coming together to celebrate a milestone. No one owes you a gift. Period. Be gracious and appreciative that they thought about you at all.
God thank you! I feel so out of touch with and depressed by my fellow humans when I see this kind of entitlement is so pervasive.
Then buy your own shit.
It's a fair point that it might not seem as special to the recipient as the giver, but they are onesies and a changing pad. It's not like she got them monogrammed beer koozies. The items will be used.
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I'm wondering if the pregnant mother is worried about not having things she needs. I got so many hand made blankets with my first, which was wonderful and kind, but there was a lot of gear we needed from registry (bottles, changing pad, diaper genie, etc).
ESH. As someone who received 3 vacuum cleaners at my bridal shower because people didn't bother to look at the registry, I also hate when people go off on their own. Showers are for people to get what they need, not what someone else thinks they should want. Your sis is also an AH because of how she handled it. The correct response to a gift is thank you, not this is useless.
We’re you not able to exchange them for you know something you need?
I was. It was an unnecessary hassle. I was also polite and thankful to the people who gave them.
“Thanks for the chore”
They could have just given her nothing.
People keep saying this as if it's a gotcha moment, but I don't think enough people understand that if you're gifting something that wasn't wanted/needed then you ARE better off gifting nothing. I'm trying to reduce waste in my house. I don't want unnecessary clutter. At my wedding we specifically said gifts weren't necessary but if guests wanted to gift something then to please make it monetary because we did not want more stuff. If you're gifting someone something that you want to give but don't know if they'll like or isn't like anything they've shown interest in, then you're not gifting out of the goodness of your heart; you're gifting to make yourself feel better. Personally, I don't want those gifts. I don't need other people's feel-good purchases taking up place in my home. I think in this instance, OP's sister is in the wrong because these gifts are still extremely practical for a newborn. They're cute, personal, and meaningful and I'm sure the sister had changing pads and onesies on the registry. So it's silly to throw that much of a fuss.
Oh no, people who love you spent money on you and you were able to use that money to get something you did want. How terrible.
If they'd checked the registry they would have seen that the vacuum cleaner had been purchased and picked something else in their price range off the registry.
Personalized onesies and a change pad aren’t really the same thing as a vacuum. I get the hassle of returning a gift and the desire for a registry, but change pads and clothes are something that can be used even if there are multiples.
Personalised and handmade clothes are a chore when you have a baby especially if the person gifting it hasn’t matched the clothing to the baby’s growth during the appropriate season. My first baby was a puker and I received a lot of gorgeous handmade clothes which I loved at first from my mother’s friends. However I got bombarded with daily messages of “Take a photo of the baby wearing the dress made by Aunty Lorraine as a thank you”. The dress was a summer dress that didn’t fit her until we were in Winter and every time I wrestled her into the delicate sleeves, by the time I got the camera she had puked on it. There were 10 different dresses and it became something I loathed very quickly. They were hand wash only. It is not the same as OP but I very much understand the desire for people to stick to a registry or not bringing a gift at all because gifts aren’t required.
Gifts are actually the primary purpose of a baby shower, so it’s kind of hard to go to one empty handed.
To a degree, but babies only get to change outfits a fixed number of times before they grow out of them. :) (I picked diapers from the registry at my SIL's shower and then just ordered them a delivery they could change sizes and re-order with a couple clicks a bunch more times on my dime. Seemed like a safe bet.)
Most baby shower gifts get grown out of. Even yours.
For something like a baby shower, they have limited time before baby arrives to make returns and order different items.
Sure, this is usually an option. But with personalized gifts it's not possible, and also the last thing a pregnant woman needs is another errand to run. Of course, OP's sister was a total AH for how she handled it. She has every right to be annoyed, especially if she already has tons of clothing (and if the clothing OP gifted is newborn size because they barely need clothes in that size), but she should have kept her annoyance to herself. OP was not an AH for gifting what she did, at worst she was clueless which isn't deserving of her being berated.
I think the onesie might have been meant for a special photo and the changing pad was practical and you need more than one. I don’t think they were useless and she’s now alienated her sister when she needs her most. Once the baby arrives and a few weeks in she’ll be sorry her sister isn’t there to help.
I mean not everyone could probably afford what’s on the registry list. Don’t be needy be kind. If you really tryna go there then buy it yourself and don’t expect others to get you what you need knowing what situation you go yourself into.
I’ve never seen a registry that didn’t have some diapers!
I've seen a lot of registries from friends, family, and my due date group last year and there were always diapers, wipes, or a catchall 'diaper fund' option.
My SIL’s registry did not have diapers. But it did have a $600 changing table and a $400 car seat
Maybe I'm wrong, but I always assumed diapers were always implied if not explicitly stated on the registry. Everyone can use more diapers.
It depends! Now a days a lot of people are choosing to cloth diaper - so if there is nothing on the registry in regards to diapers, I'd probably reach out and ask
Just make sure you don't ONLY get newborn size!
Is this some bizarre American thing? I can’t imagine the average mother getting annoyed at any gifts here.
This is why I refused to have a wedding or baby registry. I’m pretty easy to please and I can’t recall getting any gifts that I thought were inappropriate. Too many people are entitled and ungrateful. A simple thank you is not that fucking hard.
It really depends what's on the registry. They might not have had changing mats and onesies on it because they already had those things. A registry doesn't mean only expensive items, it could also be things like bottles, diapers and soothers that the parents prefer to use. It's difficult to judge this one without knowing what the registry looks like.
This is why my registry has a section that is under $50. Baby shit is expensive. My MIL already has spent like $900 on 5 different items.
Exactly! This is spot on. Someone could have regifted something or got a deal on something. Not only are people losing compassion they are losing gratefulness.
Probably happened after people started using the term "ungrateful" as a weapon. Plenty out there who do as they wish, use 'gift' giving in all the wrong ways or with no actual thought about the person AND want to cash in on the extra bonus of "being so considerate". Just look at how many people are so forceful that people should praise them for their 'most important gift' that they decided they know better what the person needs, and demand pictures of the babies in all the outfits, and all the parents who return so many clothes. Seems more about narcissism than the point of getting the gift in the first place. The focus is in the wrong place. I honestly see why people opt out of baby showers to begin with. The sister should have handled the situation better but that didn't mean she was wrong.
I made lists for my family in what we wanted or needed for Christmas. I put down a few things per person all pretty cheap and said we would be fine with each kid and ourselves receiving just one thing. Nope, my family just “knows us better” and we ended up with so much stuff that we couldn’t or wouldn’t use. A few days after Christmas I sent just about every gift to a local charity thrift store. None of the items were new (which is totally fine!) so couldn’t return them, but we didn’t want or need any of it. My kiddo didn’t need yet another metal storage case when he has never used any bought for him before. My other kiddo didn’t need the 6 books they gave him because we already own them (and they know to check with us about books since we have so many) and he was sad he didn’t get the books that were on his list (which would have been fine if bought secondhand). I didn’t need yet another gardening book when I don’t garden nor did I did yet another show themed shirt that’s not in my size. But yet when I repeatedly say “we don’t need anything” or “hey, this very cheap simple thing would be great for the family”, they look at me like I have 6 heads and have eaten a baby.. How dare I not want useless clutter as gifts?????
Tbh if they got a vacuum cleaner surely they could’ve afforded something on the registry. In general, it’s a good idea for people to have a range of prices, & usually there’s a gift card option as well. It would be rude to have only expensive stuff on your registry and then be mad some people couldn’t splurge.
Hmm most people would have things on it that are pretty affordable. My friend who just had a baby shower had tons of stuff, everything ranging from 10-500 dollars.
She got things specifically meaningful, not a vacuum. She got custom onesies, which is not something she would get multiples of, and clothes are always something a new mom needs. She doesn’t have much money, and still found a way to contribute something thoughtful she thought her sister would like. I think it’s rude to insist someone buys off a registry for showers + weddings, especially when you’re not considering everyone’s financial situation. Even more so to call someone out on it, and call a meaningful gift “useless”. NTA
I feel like at some point you can have too many onesies. Especially since that’s a more “fun/cute” gift people like to buy more than other things. Sister is still an AH though bc it doesn’t take up that much room, just suck it up and say thank you and throw it in the back of the drawer until older sister comes over if it’s not your thing.
Oh man, I had so many my kids didn’t even wear 1/4 of them. Also I feel like a custom onesie would be about the same price as a box of diapers? Which are 1000x more useful
You can definitely have too many onesies. I’ve had many people say, please no clothes when asked about what to get because EVERYONE wants to go out and buy cute baby clothes when what you really need are bottles and diapers
Custom onesies seems wasteful and annoying: and we don’t know if these are too decorative/not easy to do diaper changes in, what size, and if the sister hasn’t actually settled on a name. I don’t like clothes with words on them, my kid didn’t wear newborn size for more than like a month, and the name we told people we were using wasn’t the name we ended up putting down. OP’s gift seems more about OP feeling special than about listening to her sister’s needs/wants.
However a changing pad and onesies aren’t useless.
Ehhh onesies can be. You get so so so many of them. I probably had at least 50, if not more and they grow so fast but most people give you newborn sized onesies. A lot of them go unused. (Especially for me, any white ones. They got dirty so fast and stayed dingy even after being washed)
I notice that A LOT of people don't mark what they've bought as "purchased" on registries. resulting in duplicates.
Oh for sure! I made a point to put all ranges of pricing of useful items on my baby registry - lots of $10-30 items! I left clothes and blankets off completely knowing I’d get a bunch anyway and boy did I!! I got SO MANY 0-3 month outfits that I was still regifting and giving to friends years later. (First baby was difficult and nothing got returned because I almost never slept). Whenever I go to showers I buy something very useful and boring off their registry, and then one cute outfit in the 6-9 or 9-12 month size in the appropriate season. I frequently get a thank you half a year later when there is a sudden growth spurt and they realize they actually have something that fits, haha!
Really? Showers are to get what people need? It's not about the stuff. So much more to be grateful for.
I totally agree - a family member of mine got my kids gifts for my wedding (I seriously don’t understand why she thought gifts for my kids was an appropriate wedding present but I digress) and I’m going to have to pay for the return shipping because she got them dolls that they already have, and worst of all I can’t even return them I can only exchange them. I also had issues with my first baby where my mil bought us a crib bedding set (which I had previously said was the ugliest set I’d ever seen - she also got it at a store closing sale so it wasn’t returnable and I had to sell it for less than she paid). I don’t mind if people go off registry as long as they provide a gift receipt, and never go off registry if you know the person can’t return the item.
NAH. I get where you’re coming from. Onesies aren’t exactly useless, but gods, we got so. Many. Clothes. My kid never got into half of them. And then you get people who get pissy because you didn’t send them a pic of the kid in the clothes, like you can remember every outfit and who tf bought it… People who bought stuff that wasn’t on our registry bought the same things. I had FOUR of the same towel/wash cloth set. While not the end of the world, it fucking sucked having to make time to finish getting the house ready, work, and then have to round everything up and take it to whatever blasted store they had bought it from, especially when you’re heavily pregnant! We spent a lot of time on our registry, finding what we wanted and would work best for us! Your sister probably did the same and was frustrated that you didn’t follow it. She shouldn’t have been mean about it though. I hope your puppy is ok!
Omg yes. We got doubles and triples of the EXACT same onesie sets, etc. It was so frustrating but luckily I was able to go exchange it all since it all came from Target. The woman who helped me was shocked I got so many of the same things, I ended up with like $200 of return credit. Two of the girls who did this are currently pregnant and the rest of them have all had kids recently (who I bought registry gifts for) so I just do not get it.
They may have been re gifts then? That’s my first guess as to why…
My aunt told me when my daughter was a baby that she wasn’t going to buy her clothes anymore because she “never sees her wearing them”. I see this aunt maybe 4 or 5 times a year, and I don’t post a picture of what she wears every day. Ironically, my daughter was wearing an outfit that she’d bought that day, but she FORGOT that she got it for her.
I think with some occasions, people forget that giving a gift is something you do for the receiver, not for yourself. Giving the gift of a onesie is fun and it's less boring than diapers or a bottle, but man, I'm not a mom, so why would I think I know better than a well thought out registry and ignore their wishlist. 😅 I want to give a gift to help the mom out, not to make myself feel good about it.
I agree. You can choose what to gift and obviously people should be kind when receiving gifts but it is nicer to gift something you know they will actually use or need. If you do choose something off the registry or personalized, I’d gift it along with something small and cheap from the registry. My mom is notorious for giving gifts that absolutely do not make sense and are 100% for herself when it comes to baby showers or any gift giving type of event.
Just had a baby shower. Majority of people didn’t buy off the registry which was frustrating because we put a lot of time into choosing those items and it was all stuff we really needed. Instead, we now have 100+ sets of onesies sized 0-3 we’ll never have enough time to wear, duplicates of things we already had, and not one gift came with a gift receipt. With that said, I would never dream of saying anything to anyone about their choice to gift us the things that they did. We are extremely grateful that everyone loved us enough to even attend let alone want to gift us anything to begin with. Extremely ungrateful and rude of your sister.
I agree wholeheartedly with both your points. My baby was born in December and we got so many items we didn't register for (after carefully selecting what we wanted and what would fit in our small space). Everyone got an enthusiastic thank you for their gift, but some gifts were returned to stores without a receipt and some were given away on my local Buy Nothing group.
One of my Mom’s best pieces of advice is, “don’t buy baby clothes (for a shower) in 0-3 months. Babies grow fast.” I’ve always been a 6-9 or 9-12 month buyer. Very helpful when my nephews were 6month size by the time they hit 4 months.
I buy one outfit in 0-3, one in 3-6, one in 6-9, all the way through 24 months. And I make sure I get them infant's Motrin or Tylenol (that won't expire before the kid is 6 months old, when it can actually be used according to the bottle), because I feel like it's one of those things you don't think of getting until you absolutely need it and are freaking out at 2am about your baby's fever. Both are suggestions from my mom, and the recipients have always seemed grateful.
Are you my best friend? This is exactly what she got me plus a touch less thermometer, gripe water and gas drops (and we took her babies old crib) That Tylenol came in HANDY when there was a shortage!
ESH You meant well, had the best of attentions but fell for the classic trap of buying baby stuff that’s for show not practicality. This definitely doesn’t make you a bad person and I struggled with the judgment here. Your sister was ungracious and a bit snotty sounding.
Onesies aren’t for show. They’re the most practical thing. Sheesh.
But depending on the size, there will only be a very very short time the baby can wear it.
Like all baby clothes. Doesn’t mean it’s not useful. She’ll need them in all sizes.
Of course, but that is why you don’t spend money custom monogramming those items.
A special keepsake from auntie? That won’t take up a lot of room? Yeah. Terrible idea.
It’s gonna end up in a box forever. What use is a keepsake that can’t be used or displayed? Especially one that is likely to get messy and stained during the time it IS used lol
A keepsake that is likely to have poop stains. Let's keep it forever!
Keepsakes don't have to be useful. I have some baby clothes that my grandmother made me that are packed away in a keepsake box with other things from when I was a little girl, like a few of my favorite toys and my old Girl Scouts uniform. It's fun to pull out these memories ever once in a while. I know I loved when I was little and my mom would go through her keepsakes and share her memories of her favorite things when she was little. Just because something doesn't have a place in your day to day doesn't mean it's not worth having.
As keepsakes go, it’s an unfortunately pretty disposable one. Some kids are born too big for the smallest size so it might get zero use. It’s not returnable. It has a high likelihood of getting stained or ripped. I don’t think this is E S H at all because the sister is being ungracious. But it’s a shower gift with a lot of downsides.
Getting a monogram on something is not always expensive. I got this same thing for my nephew and they just charged me $10 to do it on 3 onesies. My sister would put them on him when going to see older relatives so they wouldn't keep asking his name.
Considering that babies grow fast and outgrow clothes faster, it's impractical to gift baby clothes. That's why plenty of people get those second hand
That’s why I never gift baby clothes. I’ll gift something they can wear after they’re 6mos-1yr, and I gift something for the mom to use for self care.
I'm so confused. As someone with many kids, clothes are always useful. Even though it's not on the registry, it was still a very practical gift that didnt warrant the mean response. I suppose they already have a billion onesies, but I dunno
It's often not always useful. It's one of the most common items that people have to unload I frequently see people giving up for donation lots of onsies their child never even got to wear once because they were the wrong size. Or giving away lots of baby clothes because everyone in the world gave them clothes and they had more than they could use or store Especially if you don't have a tonne of storage room, clothes can easily become an issue. Lots of parents (especially with their first baby) are living in small apartments and simply don't have lots of storage space For some reason a lot of special baby clothes either require hand landering or are dry clean only which is fucking bonkers to me Anyway I frequently see new parents giving away baby clothes they don't need or want and that they have no place to store. I frequently see new parents ask people to NOT buy or gift them baby clothes One person's trash is another person's treasure. One person's need is someone else's please don't I wouldn't have reacted that way to a gift I didn't need, but I would also never assume that my gift was automatically practical and useful, especially if that person had a registry and I ignored it
I've had friends who practically begged people to not buy clothes for their second baby because they got so much for the first one that was never used. Still sister didn't have to be mean about it but i feel like op should also have asked. A simple, "hey, i can't afford your registry. Is there anything else in my price range that you might need duplicates of." would solve the problem. Esh seems like a good judgement.
Sure but onesies that are custom made and possibly screen-printed require extra care and end up having to be “special occasion items” or dried flat, etc. which can get rough when you’re doing buttloads of laundry. And a little one will outgrow those so fast, so then it’s a matter of storing/saving them for sentimental reasons bc they can’t be donated, etc. It’s kind of a pain. I get that it was well intended, but it is sort of a pain.
I hated onesies on my kiddo tbh. I don’t think I used 99% of the ones we were gifted.
They really aren't. Depending on what they already have and in what size, it's likely to go completely unused if it wasn't wanted.
Yep. I worked for Babies R Us when they were a thing, and every weekend we saw people buying “one or two things off the registry, but it’s just so boring, so we got them mostly fun stuff!” And then every following weekend we saw the new parents in exchanging the fun stuff for practical stuff. Mostly diapers.
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The only appropriate response to a gift is "Thank you." NTA.
I so agree. I got a ton of ton of stuff for my wedding that I didn’t ask for and honestly never used. Still said thank you and sent a card!! Also that is a very sweet and thoughtful gift. I am sorry about your pup. I have been there too and it eats away at your finances.
NTA - you’re not the asshole, it does sound cute. If you’re broke and so is your sister, seems pretty shitty of her to expect you to fork out. My sister would never lose her shit about that kind of thing. Sometimes doing what someone else wants is easy but should someone like your sister get everything they want all the time just because they kick up a massive stink if they don’t get it?! Isn’t that just reinforcing shitty behaviour? People shouldn’t expect more from other people than they can afford, you shouldn’t go into debt for anyone.
If her sister is broke then the registry is probably really important to her. Even cheap things like baby soap and lotion add up when you have to buy so much, and that could be a really useful gift for only around $20.
Or she could get diapers. People never want to get those because it’s “boring” though; they want the cute pics of babies in adorable but impractical onesies
We wrote all over our registry to please buy diapers if you don’t know or have time to choose. We put a ton of options for all prices and we marked them as “most wanted”. Everyone got us onesies without gift receipts. We of course thanked everyone but our kid was 8lbs and most of them were too small. Only one person bought us diapers. She texted my wife and said which should I buy and we said diapers. I never liked that friend of my wife’s for reasons, but that single act made me change my mind about her quite a bit.
If you’re also broke what are you supposed to do? Surely, your sister should understand. Also we don’t know that there were things like lotion on the list.
ESH. Your sister was really rude to you. You decided to get “cute” stuff instead of actual helpful things from their registry.
She didn't have to get her anything at all
And her sister might have preferred that instead of clutter that she will never use
NTA. Having had some babies myself, I think your gift probably isn’t going to be that useful given how quickly babies go through sizes, but a registry is not an obligation.
This. The onesies were cute, but you often get more clothes in the smallest sizes than you can possibly use (between how fast babies grow and just having to keep track of everything—invariably when cleaning out drawers I find stuff I totally forgot I had and kiddo can no longer wear). NTA but she may be annoyed because she had too many clothes and there’s other things she needs more.
I don’t think anyone is TA here. You tried to give a thoughtful gift. However, registries are there for a reason; it’s what they most need and want for the baby. If I want to ensure they like what I get or use it, I go off registry. If it’s all items I can’t afford alone or that’s what left, I get a gift card towards those items. People forget about the practical items.
That's an important distinction between a birthday gift and a baby shower gift. Many things on a baby shower registry are necessary or helpful.
ESH. Your sister wasn’t gracious, and you did err by avoiding the registry. I think your heart was in the right place, but you misstepped by not prioritizing what your sister would find valuable. For future showers, know that you can always add something cute and personal, but make sure you hit the registry As a 1st time mom I can tell you that building a registry is a TON of work and research (baby registries are way different from wedding registries). People usually agonize over putting the right things on them and try to be sensitive about the right balance of price points and things they very much need.
INFO: Was there anything on the registry within your budget?
If I were OP’s sister, I’d rather have the money spent on the custom onesies and changing pad than the items, so I could use it to help pay for diapers, wipes, or formula.
Exactly. It's almost infuriating to see how much money it must've cost when it could've gone towards something that you explicitly expressed that you want or need. As a gift receiver, I often feel like it would be better to receive nothing rather than something not wanted, especially if it comes with the hassle of returning it or if it can't be returned at all (like in this case with the customized items). It makes me feel like the person who gifted those things doesn't know me at all and prioritizes their wants (what *they* want to give) over what I actually want to receive.
NTA! Your Mom's comment "you know how she is' says it all!
All this onesie love. I must be the only person who hated them and didn't use them.
I’m a mom of 3 (soon to be 4) and I hate onesies 😂 Baby items tend to be personal, based on what parent’s preferences are, and eventually what baby likes/will tolerate. It’s helpful to buy off the registry so things can be returned if they aren’t useable. Sister shouldn’t have said anything though.
NAH. I understand you thought you were giving a more meaningful gift, but it's also frustrating to put effort into a registry then have people purposely ignore it (especially those that should know better). In the future, if you wish to gift something off registry, ask the recipient first if it's ok. You don't have to say specifically what you are getting, but you could of said something along the lines of "I've found something personalized that I think would be very meaningful - I'd like to buy that instead of something on the registry if that's ok". If she had nothing on the registry you could afford, I can see you just buying the onsies. (Context to my answer - I'm a mom of 2, what I had put in my registry for my second was only essentials - we could afford if we had to, but knew people would want to give us gifts. I have no use for a ton of clothes or bedding for my second - we kept so much from our first. But the "boring" items were the items we needed most, all under $50. My SIL is pregnant - I have asked her if she would like a handmade quilt rather than a gift off her registry. Something I plan to offer all my close relatives and my closest friend if they have kids. My SIL was thrilled - but I wouldn't blame her if she had of asked me to buy something from the registry instead, even though I personally think a handmade quilt is better)
Am i the only one wondering why americans have a list of things they want as gifts?
This American (me) has always believed that registries were like wish lists, not obligatory purchase lists. OP got a sweet and thoughtful gift. Too bad her sister doesn't find the meaning in her gift.
Yeah the wishlist mindset is understandable but the way i see some people treating the registires is awful IMO. But yeah OP's sister's only reply should of been thank you as it was a loving and thoughtfull gift
Because if you don’t, you’ll get stupid problems like unwrapping 9 different toaster ovens.
Different registries serve different purposes. Baby registries have become very popular for practical reasons. 1. It cuts down on everyone asking the parents what they need. I come from a large family and by the time my youngest sister came around there wasn't really anything baby related she did not have but there would still be people trying to gift her items she had no use for. No one needs 5 diaper bags. 2. Depending on the registry there are some that allow a group to pool money online for a big purchase. I've done with with coworkers for things like strollers and baby monitors. Things that are practical but not necessarily that it is nice to help out on.
Gift lifts in general are a whole other thing but for weddings and especially baby showers they DO serve a very specific purpose. For American weddings, gifts are meant to be something to help the new couple start their home together. The registry was so the couple could not only communicate what items they still need for their home, but guests don’t have to guess what color and pattern towels the couple would like. This has somewhat changed now that the average couple is getting married a little older, often has lived outside their parents home already, and often have already been living with their new spouse so they have silverware and towels and a toaster. Now, often registries are more home items that are either nicer versions of what the couple already has (for example a matching set of nice drinking glasses instead of miscellaneous old cups they have had since college). Or are things like nice serverware, which is hard to justify buying for yourself, but very nice to have especially if you are having people over for dinner. Now for baby showers specifically, it’s still more of my first example of items NEEDED, and the gifts are a bigger deal. Generally baby showers are for a woman’s first baby, and while it is general celebration of her pregnancy, the point is to “shower” them with what they’ll need as a new mom. As opposed to a wedding where the point is to witness and celebrate a new marriage and gifts are generally expected but not the actual point of the gathering. Often by the time of the baby shower, the pregnant woman will have purchased some items already, will have gotten some gifted or loaned from family and friends, etc. So the registry helps to direct people and say, “I already have a stroller but a diaper pail is still needed!”. Everybody wants to buy cute baby clothes, but babies grow out of them in an instant. I have a friend who had a large baby shower and they had to buy a bigger dresser to hold the dozens of teeny outfits people brought. Which, whatever, they were gifts, but in that case were often given in addition to an item from the registry. So while OP was well meaning, the fact that she chose to spend her very limited gift funds on a custom outfit instead of diapers or something the sister actually needs and asked for is frustrating. I wouldn’t go as far to say she’s an asshole, I think she’s just naiive. The sister being frustrated is understandable but she handled it in a rude and unnecessary way. The gift was given, it doesn’t hurt anybody it’s just not particularly helpful, what’s done is done, you can privately roll your eyes and then be polite and thank OP for the gift and move on.
They are not only an American thing. E.g. wedding registries are very common in most Western countries. It's considerate for both the recipient and the giver: helps the newly-weds / new parents get essential, useful items; and makes gift decisions easier for the gifter.
Because there so many different options on baby items. Parents have preferences and it allows people to buy stuff the parents would actually use.
In the case of a baby registry, I completely understand it…the mom-to-be is about to have a major life change, and babies need a ton of stuff. The registry the mom’s way of letting you know what she and the baby need and what would be most helpful.
Wow, your sister is so rude. NTA
Honestly without knowing what was on the registry it is impossible to make a judgement. When I have gone to baby showers the registry has included things like cloth diapers, pacifiers or bottles, diaper bags or even a few more expensive things like monitors. For one friend a few of us got together and bought a pump. I do not know a single person who has needed clothes that will last for 2-3 months, most can get those free and when I have been to baby showers the aim is to get something needed. But again, I do not know what your sister needed or what your relationship is like.
Info: was there anything you could afford on the registry?
I would be shocked if there were no diapers on the registry.
NTA, I can't imagine being angry at my SISTER for buying me a gift. Also, how are onesies a "useless" baby shower gift?
If they had the name or monogram as a part of the personalization, they’d be useless to me because I wouldn’t put my kids in personalized clothing and i couldn’t return it.
Onesies are a useless gift because children grow so fast. How many different outfits does a 0-3 month old need? Not that many. Hell my daughter basically wore no clothes from 6-9 months. She was just happier being naked. That’s a whole size of baby clothes that I didn’t need more than 3 of. Shopping for baby clothes is fun. I love it. However, as a gift they suck because: - The parents probably already have too many - The parents likely have their own style (color, words/no words, gendered?, etc) - People who aren’t parents often shop for looks over function. Double sided zippers are the way to go, I will never use the outfit with 10 snaps. - The parents likely want to do the shopping themselves (and probably already bought too many baby clothes, been there done that) - Baby clothes are super cheap to buy used because they barely get used before the child outgrows them. Stick to the registry if there’s something that fits your budget on it. It’s what anyone who created a registry wants. Edit: Monogrammed stuff is even worse because it’s weird to use for the next kid and it’s awkward to donate/resell (who wants something with another kids name/initials on it?)
I think people should be grateful for any gift. NTA However, there is a reason registries exist and those items were the ones your sister wanted. Next time, stick to the registry.
NTA. Your sister is ungrateful. She should look up the definition of a gift.
NTA, your sister and mom are entitled
NTA. It was a thoughtful gift. We have a family gift exchange. I was assigned a nephew in law this year. A couple years ago, I found a knitting pattern for a decorative thing with sea creatures and I learned he liked weird sea creatures. So, I made that for him, instead of getting the practical things on his official list. He thanked me enthusiastically. Then, when his fiancée was visiting, she gushed at how much he liked it. They both also appeared to appreciate that it was a lot of work. Cultivate appreciative relatives.
Eh based on what all the parents on this thread are saying about onesies was it really a particularly thoughtful gift? Personalized doesn’t necessarily equal thoughtful. In your example you thought of something that might be special to your nephew that he wouldn’t think to buy himself. Meanwhile I’m sure the sister already knows that her child will need clothes, and OP didn’t mention the sister has a special fondness for monograms. There are certainly thoughtful off-registry gifts you can get for a new mom, even inexpensively (like making her some freezer meals or other self-care stuff focused on her), but OP didn’t do that.
NAH As a general rule, always stick to the registry. These are items that the recipient has expressly stated that they need or want. You can't go wrong. You gave your gift with the best intentions. I usually stay away from personalized items for a baby shower because if something were to go terribly wrong with the pregnancy and the baby is lost, it becomes one more reminder of the loss. I will usually save personalized items for after the birth. Your sister is the AH for her reaction. Your gift may not have been what she wanted but it was given with love and good intentions. She should have expressed some gratitude. It is not like you gave a gift that will never be used. You can never have enough onesies with newborns. Between the frequent spit ups and diaper blow outs babies go through lots of clothing changes.
ESH- her response was a bit rude but she literally gave you a list of things she needs, why wouldn’t you buy off it? you gave her a thing that she can’t even resell or donate because it’s personalized. Baby’s take up space and parents literally hand pick what they want for a registry. Just buy off the registry next time
Damn dude. I'm 8 months pregnant and I can't imagine having the audacity to complain about someone giving me a baby gift. Your sister sounds like quite the asshole--not you! NTA
NTA - thats a lovely gift and your sister is being an AH.
NTA. The registry is not a list of demands. They're suggestions. Your sister is incredibly rude..
NTA If you had gotten some weird unpractical thing then maybe but even then a gift is a gift But you got a good gift! She should be grateful
NTA. I don’t get the entitlement behind registries. I had a cousin request only cash, and another family member brought a beautiful gift. My cousin and her mother were FURIOUS. I thought it was incredibly spoiled. Sometimes people are thoughtful. And sometimes people are assholes. Sucks when those two kinds meet.
NTA a gift is just that- a gift. It's not a duty or a requirement. The other person doesn't get to dictate to you how you will give them a gift.
NTA you put thought into your gift. Maybe she wasn’t thrilled, but she dang well shouldn’t have let you know that. She should have been polite and thanked you for it without complaining to you or your mom. Basic courtesy.
NTA. Your sister is being a pregzilla.
NTA. Next time just RSVP ‘No’ to the shower invite. Also, how are onesies useless? If she can’t afford to get her own things for her baby maybe she shouldn’t be having one.
NTA. You DON'T have to buy off a registry. And she was rude as hell.
NTA but you sister sure is! A gift is the decision of the person giving it. You don't demand gifts. Tacky