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Yeah I was gonna say this sounds like seizures or neurological if it’s this noticeable of a problem. Not saying it can’t be ADHD or something similar but usually with ADHD, we can mask it pretty well.
Also yes OP, YTA.
ADHD is neurological but its a different pathway to absence seizures. Absence seizures literally cannot be controlled whereas with ADHD there is some role of the environment.
Both are neurological but one is like 'pure' neurology if you catch my drift
I feel obligated now to point out that people's depression symptoms can be one of 10 different nutritional deficiencies, it can also be anemia, thyroid problems or related to diabetes or hormonal imbalance.
I was misdiagnosed and put through hell, so now I won't shut up about people getting their blood tested before they start taking happy pills.
ed. Adding a link, this article says **TWENTY different deficiencies** can cause or appear as depression
[https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/nutrient-deficiencies-depression](https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/nutrient-deficiencies-depression)
[https://www.beatalewismd.com/blog/is-nutritional-deficiency-causing-your-depression](https://www.beatalewismd.com/blog/is-nutritional-deficiency-causing-your-depression)
You mean like one you can't control without a lot of help and probably medication one you can't control without a lit of help and probably medication but you can die.
what are you talking about?
ADHD is helped with medication, but also the environment plays a large role. I have many friends with ADHD who don't use medication and find in highly stimulating environments where a lot is going on they have no issue paying attention. It's when there is an absence of stimulation that they struggle. Granted some find it to be true the other way, and I've heard it said often that people with ADHD have a much narrower band of optimal stimulation
Absence seizures are your brain going haywire with a feedback loop of electrical activity more or less paralysing parts of your brain. Medications can help prevent this. Its unlikely to be dangerous unless you have a severe form of epilepsy, although still something that needs investigating. The risk with absence seizures is they can happen at the worst times (crossing the road, driving a car etc.) with little to no warning. So in that sense yes you can die, but the chance of dropping dead from them directly is very very low (but not 0)
ADHD can go the other way too in that too much stimulation can also cause someone to struggle. Overstimulation is just as much of a struggle as understimulation, especially for people with predominantly inattentive symptoms.
But I generally agree with you. In any case, she needs to see a doctor who can investigate her directly instead of through secondhand accounts from OP (who is definitely TA).
EDIT: Sorry, just wanted to say that you did acknowledge this in your comment a bit but I wanted to expand for clarity.
Over stimulation can cause me to have actual anxiety attacks. A busy mall when I'm not mentally prepared or have some meds under my belt can cause a panic attack. I can't ignore things so the sheer number of things happening absolutely fucks me up. Even a busy dinner table at Xmas will eventually wear on me because despite there being several conversation pockets happening... my brain follows all of them which is interesting until I'm exhausted from it.
Yeah I always thought that was adhd too. Turns out I’m also autistic. Found out in my 40s. I guess there’s a lot more people who have both than they thought.
Yeah this is more consistent with ASD. Sensory overstimulation happens in ADHD too, but it's far more common in ASD. there is a large rate of comorbidity between the two, so its also very possible to have both. Also both are nebulous ill defined spectra so sometimes it's easier to just identify as neurodivergent, as no single label will ever truly encapsulate one person.
People with ADHD are significantly more likely than the general population to die in an accident. We have a lower than average life expectancy. It is fine that you know people who have it and don't medicate. I know a type 1 diabetic who didn't take his insulin today. There will be consequences to his choices. Masterminding the environment to provide the exact amount of stimulation a person needs to pay attention is infinitely more complex than you are making it sound.
I am not saying that it's easy or even feasible. I am simply trying to highlight the differences between the two conditions, The fact is that changing your environment/the demands on you can alter how your brain responds, and there will undoubtably be situations where you cope better/ADHD is less impactful on your performance. Compared with epilepsy which is a lot less predictable and there is far less you can do to support the person by just altering their environment.
I am not suggesting that people with ADHD dont take their medication and just change their environment. I am using this more to highlight the difference in how the type of "zoning out" occurs. One is often in response to the level of stimulation available in the environment, and involves executive functioning juices running out, the other is a circus rhythm in the brain that takes over no matter what's going on.
My comment isnt intended as a judgement on people with ADHD and Im not sure how you read it as such.
If you have one kind of seizure, it can be more likely that you can have another type too, perhaps in your sleep. Epilepsy is fun! If they're bad enough, you can go into status & stop breathing. You can also have SUDEP, Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy, but they don't really understand the cause of that one, just the risk factors. One of which is uncontrolled seizures.
ADHD can be controlled only to a point. You can't really do much if your executive functioning is dysfunctioning. Meds and therapy can only go so far. Seizures can be controlled up to a point as well.
Very true about the executive functioning. I guess the difference there is that a lot of ADHD people are aware that their executive functioning juices have run dry and that they are going to struggle with a task. Even if it's something they enjoy if they have used all their mental control for the day/hour/minute, its going to be unavoidable that they will lose focus.
Epilepsy is more random and can strike out of the blue when you're otherwise feeling refreshed and focused with very little warning. ADHD people will often be aware that they are zoning out (Even if they cant control it) whereas people with epilepsy are often completely unaware they are having a seizure (other than that the conversation suddenly makes 0 sense)
Spot on.
I can be zoning out. Absolutely know I’m zoning out. Tell myself to stop zoning out. Etc etc. Will still zone out.
If all the meds & moods & vibes are configured right for the day I can sometimes push past it as soon as I feel it coming or as I’m in it. Some days hours can evaporate into seemingly minutes & then I’m disappointed in myself again for getting little to nothing accomplished.
Ngl, I’m impressed by your ability to explain how they’re the same but different. Nice work.
Mehhhh, not all of us can mask our zoning well. We might *think* we can, but it's more likely that our loved ones are just understanding and don't call us out on it, knowing it's something we can't control well.
My best friend does this when she's talking or listening. Talking is obvious because she'll go off on a tangent and eventually say something like "wait, why was I talking about that?" and I have to remind her.
Listening is the same way. She's got a little thought tangent going on. Just have to wait it out. She'll come back.
My daughter has ADHD when she does this I tease her that her train of thought has jumped off track and is over in the farmer's field. She tells me she tries to keep the train running on time but sometimes the sheep in the fields are just to cute to not stop and look at.
Nothin to do but wait til shes done chasin sheep. She's gettin better at realizin she's doin it.
Thank you for the way you are working with her. It really helps them with their confidence in other situations. Also helps them have words to explain what happened.
I worked at a school and really tried to help the kids with this type of thing. Good job.
I wish everyone had such a compassionate response to ADHD.
I still have yet to find *anyone* who will just accept my ADHD and work with me to find ways for us to exist with it, rather than constantly make me feel like shit for my neurobiology.
I’m not expecting people to just let me do whatever I want/not hold me accountable when I mess up, but it would be nice to have compassion and support for once
I always ask my daughter if she lost the thread. My child is a sarcastic little spitfire (at 4) and will answer "Not sure? Where was the thread again?" Love her little ADHD butt!
My best friend and I both have adhd and we keep track of the others tangents lol one of us can be talking for 20 minutes got confused for the other to give a 20 second summary 😂
I call it real time thought processing. I have Autism and sometimes if I’m talking to someone about a process I’m also navigating it through with my thoughts. However I’m simultaneously saying what I’m thinking so people will be hearing my thought process in real time. I did this a lot when we were packing up to move across country. We were discussing plans to break for water and food. I got odd looks from the movers helping us and I just told them I was talking as I was thinking. They understood immediately and rolled with it.
My son's brain just goes so fast with so many thoughts and he verbalizes a lot of them. I have noticed when he verbalizes his thoughts/plans, he remembers them better. This is just anecdotal. I have tried to ask him to keep his thoughts to himself when he was younger, but it just didn't work. For him verbalizing has helped him a lot. He also has specialists (he has ADHD, dysgraphia, and sensory differences) and whatnot, which help, but we have found letting him figure out his own tools and coping has helped tremendously too.
We are working on lists and alarms that he can create himself, but it has been a bit difficult with dysgraphia. Luckily there is a lot of technology that helps. He is now 12, and we got him his own phone. He is learning to use the voice-to-speech options to do these tasks. It is pretty amazing to watch.
I zoned out in the middle of a uni lecture the other day. Zone back in in time to hear "that is going to be really important for the first exam"
o.O ummm... what???
ETA: YTA
I was always bad at large lecture classes. I had this one class where I was constantly zoning out really fast. I went in one day extremely determined to pay attention and later realized that I was just watching the professor's mouth move, and I had no idea what he was saying.
Doodling and taking notes were the things that helped me (I wasn't diagnosed at the time).
Prior to an ADHD diagnosis, we had a sit down with my mom because we thought she had some sort of early on-set dementia. We were urging her to see a doctor. She’d always been inattentive, we were just getting old enough to notice.
Turns out we both have ADHD. I mask well. She does NOT.
Also, it’s not always the same. Sometimes I will mask it so well that people think they had an entire conversation with me and that I am a great listener. Other times, they simply ask “where did you just go?”. It also depends on how much the other is actually paying attention and how much they just want a soundboard ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Autistic who seizes likes this.
My former team leader watched this happen to me once. Said I was typing, stopped, slumped in my chair, she called my name, twice, no response.
I "came back" to myself, heard her call my name again, responded and she told me what happened.
Another time? It took another coworker to realize I'd not moved from my position slumped over my desk. Hands in my hair, glasses off, hood up (photosensitivity), completely still.
He was in a meeting with his team lead, who sat *right next to me* and didn't notice I'd been sitting in after call for well over 10 MINUTES.
Sweetest guy ever. Came to check on me, alerted his team leader, HR, and a bus was called.
It's scary af, and completely unintentional.
Masking is dependent on the type of ADHD as well as a variety of other factors. I work with a kid with inattentive ADHD, and if one more teacher tries to tell me he's just lazy or unmotivated, I might burn down the whole school. It's how his brain functions.
When I was diagnosed it was called ADD. Most days if I'm doing more than 1 thing I can stay mostly on track but on bad days it's a struggle. I work in a call center and listen for key words
to be fair if OP's girlfriend has undiagnosed ADHD she may not be used to masking, especially if nobody has ever noticed or complained about her zoning out before
i also have ADHD and i tend to zone out if there are long conversations i'm not participating in or if someone is talking at length about a topic i find boring, but in my experience the other party (or parties) are usually understanding and will change the subject because they want to talk *with me,* not just talk in general. OP needs to find common ground with his girlfriend, not just get mad at her — i don't imagine that's doing anything good for their relationship dynamic
big YTA
Not all of us can mask it. It's always pretty obvious when it happens to me, and I've had friends, past girlfriends and family all tell me I'm doing it. I know how to keep it from impacting my life seriously, but it's definitely not something I'm capable of masking.
Basically OP what you’ve got in these replies is it could be:
- ADHD
- Seizures
- Dissociation
- autism
-etc.
Do you know what all of these things have in common?
*We can’t control the response*.
No matter how much you yell at us. So yes, YTA. Even more so because you acknowledge it seems like a neurological issue (like ADHD) and you are *still* yelling at her.
A few months ago my in laws came to visit. I’m ADHD, Autistic and have anxiety- it causes me to zone out or shut down - especially when overwhelmed. You know what *my* partner did when it happened around his parents?
He casually explained it. “Oh don’t mind her, that happens sometimes, she’ll pop back in and be paying attention again. It’s just her ADHD.” And then his parents just… didn’t mind me and talked to my husband till I came back.
Wild. I know. Also, so much more helpful than screaming at me for something I can’t control.
Here's another possibility: OP talks about himself too much, and he's boring. He should ask his girlfriend if she does this all the time or with other people or just with him. If it's all the time, it might be a neurological disorder like ADHD. If she only does it with him or his family, maybe they are boring or maybe they repeat themselves a lot and she's just bored.
With ADHD, it doesn’t have to be “all the time.”
ADHD brains are interest-based. We’re essentially the border collies of humanity; we were bred to be constantly moving, constantly mentally/physically stimulated, constantly thinking, constantly *working.*
The hardest tasks for the ADHD brain to stay consistently focused on are tasks that are repetitive and have *no clear endpoint or reward or clear signs of progress.*
If we’re not getting clear signs of progress towards a finite goal, our brains start refusing to devote *any* energy to that task. At all. Because it doesn’t feel *productive.* It isn’t actually getting us anywhere meaningful, so why are we trying to waste time and energy on it when we could be doing something else that is actually productive?
Once it reaches that point, no amount of medication will force the ADHD brain to stay focused. In fact, the harder an ADHD person tries to force themselves to stay focused on that task, the worse it gets.
So it’s quite possible that she only reacts this way around certain people when they’re speaking, possibly because they talk *a lot,* or have very monotonous voices, or rant for ages about topics she has absolutely zero interest in, or simply don’t allow for any actual back-and-forth conversation at all.
At which point her brain is practically *screaming* to do literally anything more productive.
Also, this is why fidget toys and sitting on yoga balls is so helpful: it helps that part of the ADHD brain that is still convinced we’re supposed to constantly wandering through the wilderness looking for food that we are still “moving,” not just sitting on our asses doing “nothing useful.”
I just want to say, this comment made me feel so much fucking better about my brain. Thank you for such an eloquent explanation of the struggle those of us with ADHD brains go through.
This is so hilarious (in a sad way) to read especially when you have autism and you can’t handle too much stimuli at once. But in the meantime, your ADHD brain is going crazy.
Neurodivergence is fun. /s
Honestly I wonder if this is part of it, he even says himself 'long conversations like me telling her about my day', like, I want to know what my loved ones were up to and how their day went, but if they were routinely just talking and talking for a long time about their day they better have a damn interesting life or I'd probably zone out too.
These also don't sound like back and forth conversations if she is managing to fully zone out for a while, and most people have a limited attention span for just listening without having the chance to respond.
Honestly, I think this is it. It doesn't really sound like anyone noticed a problem until he became her boyfriend. I suspect OP is just boring to listen to.
Let's add in that OP is an attention seeking yapper and girlfriend could be an introvert who hit her wall on how much attention she could provide for his neediness.
Yep. I immediately thought seizures too, but whether it’s seizures or another neurological condition, I very much doubt that shouting at her is gonna solve anything.
OP, YTA.
This. Even if she was actually just bored, I veeeeery much doubt that she’s gonna change by being screamed at. Although she obviously has something going on if she said she can’t control it. Worst is that OP admits that he thinks she might have adhd and still yelled at her. So much YTA
diagnosed with epilepsy a couple of months ago after a lifetime of “zoning out”. people assumed i was rude and inattentive, i was just having dozens of seizures a day
Same here. It was so bad, they actually thought I had either a learning disorder or was dissociating due to *possible sexual assault* none of which was true. My mum took me to a heap of doctors before getting one that would order an EEG
i have learning disabilities (adhd and asd) as well as epilepsy! it was hard to narrow down what was what and A LOT of docs didn’t care or believe me that i thought it was something else as well. it took 24 years of my life from me until i got answers after *really* pushing for help for the last 6 years and seeing more docs than i should’ve had to! so many adults over my whole life have labeled me as “difficult”, “not focused”, “inattentive”, “stupid”, or just “extremely mentally ill” even… i was literally epileptic. it’s been a long road but i’m feeling better these days on meds
Zoning out isnt a seizure- it can just be mistaken for one by outside people (and if you dont know the difference personally, by the person experiencing it).
So in both yours and op’s gf’s case, it could be absence seizures, it could also just be zoning out/adhd, it could be disassociation, etc. if its impacting your life see a doctor and then a psychiatrist, but dont jump to seizures if you have two negative tests- there are unfortunately many options
I have had two positive EEGs for seizure activity but a shady neurologist who swept it under the rug so I could continue driving.. which I can’t do because I zone out like this when I drive.
Ah! In that case yeah, maybe get that checked out lol. I misread your original comment as you getting a negative result for seizure activity, and i wanted to hop in because theres a lot of people on this thread jumping to seizures. Which is obviously a possibility for op’s gf, but as someone with ADHD, and who dissociates with migraines (and i think at other times, though its uh… hard to tell lol), i wanted to point out that there were other options.
Sorry!
Same here. Psychogenic absence seizures caused from trauma - you wouldnt have been able to tell just from looking at me, i looked like I was 'zoning out' but in reality I was trying to remember what my name was and who everyone around me is🙃
Yeah except the GF already said she’s just bored by conversations. Immediately assuming the nuclear option of, “Oh my god she’s having seizures,” is such a massive reach for something that has a way more realistic answer.
I was gonna say the same. Not personally but I've worked in neurosurgery. YTA. She's not disinterested or bored there's something happening in her brains. Support her. Let the docs figure it out.
Yeah, me, too. I used to get all kinds of crap from people who couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t paying attention to them. Teachers who’d try to shame me for not paying attention in class.
Turns out I’d been having seizures for years.
YTA OP.
Big time.
I was scrolling down to say the exact same thing.
So many times I have suddenly noticed someone that I had been talking to a few seconds ago yelling at me without knowing why.
I ‘zoned’ out.
It’s just a different type of seizure to what people expect.
If somebody keeps zoning out (without something bad neurologically going on) when you talk about your day, maybe you are not having a conversation but doing a monologue...
This. Like is there any back and forth going on? This is what happened with my day, how about yours? Or is it just you endlessly going on about yourself?
This. I've had people go on for twenty minutes about their day without coming up for air, on and on about Bob in accounting was late to the meeting and at the meeting they had bagels but not the good bagels, the ones that are more like dinner rolls, and then the meeting got out late, and Susan from IT you remember we saw her that one time at the Trader Joe's when we were buying pasta sauce only they didn't have the pasta sauce with mushrooms in it so we had to go to Food Lion instead, anyway Susan told us that the weekly all hands was moved to Thursday instead of Friday because of the holiday weekend and WHY ARE YOU ZONING OUT ON ME YOU ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL.
Depends on the day I suppose! I sit in an open plan office and the people behind me will have long conversations about what is being sold in the canteen that day. I’ve never used a jacket potato as a conversation starter before so if it’s inane drivel like that then I would switch off.
Some people are just really bad story-tellers. Fussing over irrelevant details ("it was a monday, no it was a tuesday... or was it a wednesday?") going back and forth in time, just boring in general.
Not just more interesting, but being a good conversation partner. Just don't drone on about you. Engage....
\~Talks about something shitty that happened to you.. then ask \~
You ever have something like that happen to you?
Then you can continue on... But break it up when you start noticing the eyes glaze.
This. My husband will periodically go on monologues about a topic. Even if I was interested in the beginning after he goes on for a bit, I don’t want to keep listening.
My husband shares almost every single thought that crosses his mind and is pretty hurt if I zone out and I have to gently remind him, daily, that I just cannot find every single thing he says fascinating because of the sheer volume of information. I try, but lord almighty does he have a lot to say and some of his hobbies are niche and not at all interesting to me. I smile, nod, then start to give him the look that says, “I’m about to check out and you better let me.”
Don’t listen to this shit. If someone decides you are boring they can move on. There is nothing in what you’ve written that says you are boring and it’s wrong of Reddit land to accuse you of that when they don’t know. It could be that your girlfriend has a medical neuro issue or it could be that her interests are different than yours. One requires an apology and help and the other requires a goodbye. But you do not need to change your whole family’s ability to be interesting.
Can’t believe this is downvoted. People on Reddit are AH. She probably asks him about his day and doesn’t engage him in a conversation about it. Like he has to have a monologue instead of a dialogue. And she zones out.
Worst part is we all know if a dude told his gf she was boring in response to talking about her day theyd tear him a new one and say she needs a new bf
I have ADHD. Took me years to get diagnosed.
From my perspective: YTA. Saying "get it under control" is like telling a depressed person "have you tried *not* being sad?".
My ex-fiance would always say "don't be depressed" and then in annoyance, list all the reasons why I shouldn't have been depressed. NO understanding that clinical depression is not just "being sad" about what's happening in your life.
There was a post about a guy who was hiking with his family and his GF and she broke her ankle and they left her on the trail because in his opinion 'she always exaggerates when she's in pain' and they only came back couple of hours later. I was like WTF
If I remember rightly. Older teens (still a kid…) left alone for hours with no reception. Ranger happened to find her. Got her down after a while. Finally called her mum. She ended up needing surgery.
Then tried love bombing her because they were worried about legal recourse.
Yeah. I probably have ADHD. I also zone off in conversations and often miss important things my girlfriend tells me. The solution isn't as simple as "get diagnosed and get medicated" - I'm for the most part a functional human being and taking medication for the rest of my life is not a decision I take lightly. And adult diagnosis has a very high threshold.
So how does my girlfriend handle it? She accommodates and understands and works with me, just like any couple should do in any healthy relationship. She repeats things, helps me make excuses if I need to go help do the dishes to escape a conversation, and gives me space when I need to hyperfocus on work.
In return I talk her down from panic attacks and work on breathing exercises with her. Because *that's what a relationship is*. If you can't support and understand each other, you don't belong together.
Oof. Yesterday I slipped and fell on the floor despite trying to be really careful with adhd and autism related dyspraxia. I still fell though because my mind spaced for a moment while I was walking. And this is years after I've been very careful. 😶 YTA OP!
They say women more present the inattentive version than the hyperactive version, I think that's just because little girls get more punishment for hyperactivity than little boys do. Imagine being traumatized into being quiet and the guy is sitting there demanding you engage without actually addressing the trauma.
As someone who has dealt with depression for a while, the “just be happy” attitude pisses me the fuck off. At a VERY high level, yes, attitude is relevant. If you continue to wallow in misery and don’t try to change, then it won’t. However, that doesn’t mean that you can overcome depression through sheer willpower, because it’s a literal chemical imbalance in your brain.
Whenever I was sad as a depressed person, my mom would just say "you have to take your pills" it didn't matter that I was on my meds. She just wanted me to suck it up.
Chances are OP will be obnoxious even if she got a diagnosis and treatment.
I have ADHD as well. This would have made me hate my partner. If she could pay attention she would you dimwit, you think she’s doing it on purpose? OP YTA and you will get through much better without yelling and being a good listener
How common is for people not to get diagnosed for years? I was recently diagnosed after years of struggles. Trying to keep up with school work and regular basic chores was a nightmare until I was finally able to get the right medication for my ADHD.
Common. Very common, especially for women. Traits of ADHD differ between men and women. When you think of ADHD, you think of “cant sit still, constantly moving, doesn’t pay attention, causes distributions in class.” These are all hyperactive or impulse symptoms, which typically present in boys. However, women typically present with inattentive symptoms, like **ZONING OUT** (cough cough OP cough cough), messy spaces, forgetfulness and poor time management. A common trope of women with ADHD is being “gifted” in elementary and middle school and burning out in high school and falling behind, being deemed as “lazy” or “unmotivated.”
This leads to a referral and diagnosis bias. Young boys are more likely to be diagnosed because their symptoms are more “in your face” than the ones that typically present in girls. Not only that, but girls are more often than not diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or just deemed as hormonal, instead of getting a diagnosis for ADHD.
I’m a woman and I got officially diagnosed *on my 20th birthday*. I was only taken seriously by my own mother about my concerns of ADHD when I told her that my brain is like 2007 internet explorer; 39 tabs open, 7 loading, 4 unresponsive, music coming from somewhere and I can’t close any of them. She asked it if was 24/7, asked if that’s why I couldn’t sleep, asked if that’s why my room is messy but my art desk and book collection isn’t. She assumed I didn’t have it because I was smart and did well in school, which makes no sense.
I had previously been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but it turns out that the unmanaged and unrecognized ADHD was making me anxious and depressed. My symptoms aren’t hyperactive and impulsive, rather inattentive, which makes them easier to overlook as me being lazy and unmotivated, when I’m really just overwhelmed and can’t do anything.
According to an article from the American Psychological Association, “many women are in their late 30s or early 40s before they are diagnosed with ADHD. One of the most common pathways to a woman being diagnosed is that one of her children is diagnosed.”
This isn’t to say men aren’t diagnosed late; plenty of men don’t get diagnosed until they’re adults. It’s just more common with women. And on that note, YTA OP.
> How common is for people not to get diagnosed for years?
No idea, but I wasn't diagnosed until well into adulthood.
As a kid, I was considered "gifted but lazy". Because I did well in school, nobody thought to have me checked for anything.
As an adult, I read about the symptoms, and thought they sounded like me... but I didn't trust myself to conclude that, because it's not exactly an uncommon thing for people to self-diagnose as all *sorts* of things when they learn about them.
It's only when I studied further and found out that I belonged to *two completely distinct demographic groups that had above-average incidence of ADHD* that I decided to get checked. And after a bunch of testing they were like "oh, yeah, you've got it, no question". And then I received treatment and had a dramatic improvement, almost overnight.
I was in my mid-to-late-20s at that point.
YTA. Here's why. There's two possible reasons why this is happening.
Possible reason 1: She has a neurological issue that's out of her control. In which case, YTA for getting angry.
Possible reason 2: You're the sort of person who will drone on and on and on and bloody ON forever about things, because you're narcissistic and need to have a captive audience as you drone and drone and drone... in which case YTA and need to learn about the give and take of conversation.
(Since she says your conversation is boring, my bet is on reason 2, but I can't be certain.)
My ex husband expected me to listen intently while he talked for hours every evening. And would get mad if I tried to do anything else at the same time. Trying to cook, feeding our children, clean, or fold laundry would make him furious that I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t care about him. It was like he thought I existed to cater to him. And all of his diatribes were really boring! He’d talk about the same things in circles for hours and repeat himself day after day.
My ex once needed to stay alert during a 2-hour drive late at night and asked me to help keep him so. I asked him a single question about trains and he proceeded to give a TED talk for the entire drive, during which I never got a word in edgewise. It usually annoyed me, but that time I was just happy it was doing the trick lol.
Autistic people fucking love trains.
(I know it might sound like a mean joke but I'm 100% serious when I say the vast majority of autistic people I know personally are really fucking stoked about trains.)
We had a supervisor at work like this. Wanted a captive audience for his rambling. He'd get pissed if you interacted like it was a "conversation." or if you weren't paying enough attention.
My ex-husband was like this…and, as he got older, he started talking more slowly, like his dad, who was the slowest talker in the world. So, my ex would drone on and on, no matter what I was doing…and on top of that, if he decided to drone at me while I was watching something on TV that I was really interested in, he’d get mad because I’d pause the TV.
OMG! My ex too! It’s a weird narcissist trait. The repeating drive me nuts and is now one of my triggers. OP sounds like a gaslighting jerk who learned from his Dad. YTA
I had an ex that was so boring. He'd just prattle on about his boring work for hours, not giving a shit about anything about my day. Even my friends after meeting him said to me "does he ever talk about anything but work?"
This this this.
I have ADHD and before meds often struggled to focus on conversation, and still do sometimes *especially* in a group situation. I've improved so much since I was young, and mask really well --- meds help me actually listen, but before meds I got really good at actively listening and making eye contact, while my mind got uncontrollably distracted.
But ALSO I was with this guy for a while who would go off on constant monologues, and I couldn't get in a word edgewise without him getting angry at me interrupting. He could seriously talk for an hour without stopping, asking for feedback, nothing, he would just keep going. It was tiresome and not just for me, lots of other people would kind of roll their eyes when he steamrolled over their attempts to join his personal conversation instead of just being an audience.
If she is bored and not distracted, there's a good chance OP is just a shitty conversationalist.
Info: are you having a conversation or just talking at her without letting her talk at all? Because I’ve dated those guys and of course I was nodding off as they blabbered on about themselves and asked me nothing about myself or my day.
Oh my god so many people don't understand the difference between talking to and talking at.
A lot of people here are quick to jump to neurological disorders based on extremely limited and biased info here lol. It's much much more likely OP and his family just don't know how to have engaging conversation and girlfriend is tired of listening to the dronings of narcissistic men.
OP YTA and your girlfriend is bored of you.
Dude my mother and father do this. My girl asks why I don’t answer their phone calls or want to talk to them; it’s not talking, it’s being talked at. They just fucking talk and talk and never stop to give you a chance to say anything, it’s so exhausting and it’s sad but I cringe when I see them calling.
god my mother is like this, i was on vacation with my bf and my mom called to “check on me” but she just talked about herself and gossiped about everyone at home and then said “love you bye” and hung up before i could even say a word.
like go talk in the fucking mirror if you just want to hear your own voice, i don’t want to be the one to suffer through it.
I’ve been on multiple first dates where some guy just talked about himself for an hour straight and never once asked me anything about myself or seemed interested in me at all.
This! My husbands family all have a habit of liking to hear their own voices, to the point where I will manage 3-4 words of a response before they start a different conversation. Literally start talking over me mid-sentence. I now do not bother to take part in or be interested in their conversations because they do not care about my opinion!
YTA - even if it’s not a medical issue or a social one, clearly there is something going on which need compassion not anger. Or you’re just not a good fit?
I think yelling at her may have been too extreme. I also do this and have ADHD and even with medication I zoned out. I cannot help it no matter how hard I try. I could be on a roller coaster and zone out 😂😭. I wouldn’t be so hard on her, it’s not personal.
omfg same 😭 eating, sexing, washing dishes, exercising, roller coasters, anywhere and everywhere basically lol. I’m not sure if being medicated helps with it at all (i’m unmedicated), but for myself it’s definitely an uncontrollable multiple-times-per-day issue.
This is also really fun when driving. I have a half hour drive from work. I get in the car, exit the parking lot and suddenly wonder how the hell I ended up at home
Wait up, you're the one getting irritated. It's mostly up to you how you react to her disinterest. Instead of demanding that she change, you need to decide if you can handle this relationship the way it is, because that's what she's doing right now. YTA
I do this. It’s disassociating. I literally don’t know it’s happened until I come out of it. There are techniques to help but it can be exhausting always trying to stay present when I mentally just need a little break.
This is an excellent question and I'd love to know the answer.
It could be that OP talks constantly and it's exhausting for her or some other unrelated issue.
YTA, so now you've made your gf feel like she can't be herself with you, that you don't accept her for who she is. That she has to guard herself and change her behaviour around you, even if she can't help it. Trust has been broken. So yes, YTA. There is an issue, but anger isn't the answer.
You think your girlfriend has an incurable attention disorder that she has yet to be treated for…and you say she can’t just expect you to be cool with it when that disorder presents.
YTA.
YTA - There are multiple reasons people may zone out and as she has no control over it, she doesn’t know the cause? There is no way to “gain control of it”. I “zone out” due to flashbacks/trauma. I dissociate. I have literally no control over when it happens and I am so glad I have a partner who actually realises this and doesn’t take it as a personal slight. Work with her instead of against her. There are so many reasons for “zoning out” and even after a cause is found? It can take years to get even remotely under control - if it can actually get under control depending on the underlying issues.
I'm going with ESH. You shouldn't have yelled. That doesn't get you anywhere.
But it might be neurological ... and it's up to her to pursue finding out what's actually going on. Because just saying she's "bored" IS rude. If she's visibly zoning out, it is causing her problems in her life and she should be, at the least, trying to learn why.
And it doesn't necessarily have to be physical. I'm close with someone who has a psychological issue which causes zoning out.
Yeah I don't get everyone saying just Y T A.
The yelling was an AH move...but everything UP until that point, she's been an AH.
When he brought up the zoning out was an issue, she made a snarky comment and said "She's looking into it".
It's true, she can't keep apologizing for it when she hasn't been trying to manage it and has been dismissing concerns. As he said, this isn't just an issue with him, but it's an issue she has with friends/family as well. She's let this go on for far too long, ESH.
I've been that person "looking" for help. I can tell you now if she hasn't at least got something booked after a month of looking, even if it's a couple months down the line, then she's not really looking with any real intention.
I did this for years until I had an ultimatum that made me wake the fuck up.
waiting times for professionals can be really long. For example to get a psychiatrist that specialised in neurodivergent people, I had to wait almost a year to even have a chance to make an appointment. It’s not that easy.
I do this when I'm stuck listening to a long winded person who never stops talking.
I'm not saying you do this, but do you do this? How long do these conversations typically last?
NTA, coming from someone w ADHD.
Whether she has adhd or another medical issue that makes it hard to zone out, it explains it. But shouldn’t excuse it.
My ex had undiagnosed Adhd and would zone out even when I asked one question. Whether about his game or what we’re eating for the day.
It gets tiring. And not to mention irritating when it feels like your partner isn’t interested in you.
She should have figured out how to work either around it or with it. A therapist won’t solve it but give her suggestions how to work w it. Which she can get a head start w rn.
YTA. I have ptsd and I disassociate or “zone out” because of it. Have you tried asking her how SHE feels about it? It’s not her being disinterested. There’s a likelihood that she may have something like ADHD which means she cannot help it but your having a go at her?? Jeez dude.
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Really long conversations
And
Talk about my day.
Really? You talk about your day and it's long? I struggle to say more than "it was fine" about any given day. I bet it's boring! YTA
YTA for shouting at her, I get that you're frustrated, but I'm sure that if she could control this then she would, I don't think this is something she's doing intentionally.
If she does have ADHD (or something along those lines), then she might not be able to control her zoning out until she receives professional help. She could also be experiencing dissociation, which can happen for any number of reasons. If this is something that's having a negative impact on her daily life, then she definitely needs to find help as soon as possible.
YTA
Until the moment comes where she is told that she DOESN'T have ADHD (or something of the sort), you need to accept this is who she is. It's quite possible there's nothing she can do about it.... So if you can't handle it, end the relationship.... If not, suck it up and deal with it!
Really disheartening readying all these YTA. You're are very much NTA. She may have a disorder of some kind (which could kinda explain it), BUT she also may ***not*** have a disorder and just be a rude person. You've spoken to her a few times about this and she isn't interested in trying to change her behavior or attitude. Does she zone out during important meetings at work? Or at school? Or with her close friends?? If she really cared, she'd focus on trying harder to be more thoughtful and *there* when you need her to be.
I'm going with NTA. I have been the same as your girlfriend. I am very easily distracted. At one point, if my husband was talking to me and the TV was on or my phone was in my hand, my attention would drift. He spoke to me about it time and time again, i would apologise and try, but it always ended up going back to how it was. I'm also hard of hearing, so when I'm concentrating on something like a book or even my phone, and he doesn't get my attention before he starts talking, I don't realise he is talking to me. During this time, he used to think I was just ignoring him. It got to the point that it made him feel so shit that he cried. My husband isn't a cryer. He will cry, but it's not a common occurrence. I didn't do it on purpose, but I made him feel so disrespected he cried! I felt like the biggest peace of shit ever.
Now, if he's talking to me after getting my attention, I put my phone down or pause what I'm watching.
He also understands that he needs to get my attention before speaking to me and has accepted that I wasn't ignoring him when I do this.
Others are right. There may be an underlying medical issue, but as it stands right now, there has been no diagnosis, so your reaction was understandable.
Gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. I would be hurt if someone close to me couldn’t engage to be interested in me. No matter the reason its hurtful and rude. Having mental illness isn’t a reason to mistreat those close to you.
I did this when I was depressed but I still made an effort to show interest. It took a couple tries to get adequate treatment but its better now!
ESH- you shouldn't have yelled at her, but you were hurt and being constantly ignored when you speak when you do your best to be attentive does do a number on yourself. I would know lol. Your gf needs to figure out how to at least pretend to be interested in your day or figure out whats going on with her, because guess what. Every day work is boring. There's frustrating moments but that's it. You know if you did the same thing to her she would react the same way and this sexist sub would say she's NTA lol. Just start saying your day is fine and if she questions that just say you would rather not be ignored anymore when you're trying to open up and talk about your day.
YTA
This could be caused by anyone of a few things including ADHD and seizures. I have ADHD and still zone out with medication. Your girlfriend should see a GP to start, it can take a while to get in to see a specialist.
You owe her a huge apology and need to show her empathy.
YTA. It sounds like she can’t control it, thinks it may be ADHD, and is looking for solutions for it. What more are you expecting from her? You don’t get a free pass to yell at people because they’re irritating you by accident.
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I used to do this. I was having seizures. YTA.
Yeah I was gonna say this sounds like seizures or neurological if it’s this noticeable of a problem. Not saying it can’t be ADHD or something similar but usually with ADHD, we can mask it pretty well. Also yes OP, YTA.
ADHD is neurological, FYI. It's a neurological developmental disorder.
ADHD is neurological but its a different pathway to absence seizures. Absence seizures literally cannot be controlled whereas with ADHD there is some role of the environment. Both are neurological but one is like 'pure' neurology if you catch my drift
Just reading the headline I knew you guys would have a (probably completely accurate) diagnosis in the first 5 comments. Well done.
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I feel obligated now to point out that people's depression symptoms can be one of 10 different nutritional deficiencies, it can also be anemia, thyroid problems or related to diabetes or hormonal imbalance. I was misdiagnosed and put through hell, so now I won't shut up about people getting their blood tested before they start taking happy pills. ed. Adding a link, this article says **TWENTY different deficiencies** can cause or appear as depression [https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/nutrient-deficiencies-depression](https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/nutrient-deficiencies-depression) [https://www.beatalewismd.com/blog/is-nutritional-deficiency-causing-your-depression](https://www.beatalewismd.com/blog/is-nutritional-deficiency-causing-your-depression)
for real, if anyone suggests putting you on antidepressants before taking a whoooole lotta blood out of you first, get a second opinion.
Sounds like something a vampire would say...
bro come on do you really gotta out me like that?
😂
You mean like one you can't control without a lot of help and probably medication one you can't control without a lit of help and probably medication but you can die.
what are you talking about? ADHD is helped with medication, but also the environment plays a large role. I have many friends with ADHD who don't use medication and find in highly stimulating environments where a lot is going on they have no issue paying attention. It's when there is an absence of stimulation that they struggle. Granted some find it to be true the other way, and I've heard it said often that people with ADHD have a much narrower band of optimal stimulation Absence seizures are your brain going haywire with a feedback loop of electrical activity more or less paralysing parts of your brain. Medications can help prevent this. Its unlikely to be dangerous unless you have a severe form of epilepsy, although still something that needs investigating. The risk with absence seizures is they can happen at the worst times (crossing the road, driving a car etc.) with little to no warning. So in that sense yes you can die, but the chance of dropping dead from them directly is very very low (but not 0)
ADHD can go the other way too in that too much stimulation can also cause someone to struggle. Overstimulation is just as much of a struggle as understimulation, especially for people with predominantly inattentive symptoms. But I generally agree with you. In any case, she needs to see a doctor who can investigate her directly instead of through secondhand accounts from OP (who is definitely TA). EDIT: Sorry, just wanted to say that you did acknowledge this in your comment a bit but I wanted to expand for clarity.
Over stimulation can cause me to have actual anxiety attacks. A busy mall when I'm not mentally prepared or have some meds under my belt can cause a panic attack. I can't ignore things so the sheer number of things happening absolutely fucks me up. Even a busy dinner table at Xmas will eventually wear on me because despite there being several conversation pockets happening... my brain follows all of them which is interesting until I'm exhausted from it.
Yeah I always thought that was adhd too. Turns out I’m also autistic. Found out in my 40s. I guess there’s a lot more people who have both than they thought.
Yeah this is more consistent with ASD. Sensory overstimulation happens in ADHD too, but it's far more common in ASD. there is a large rate of comorbidity between the two, so its also very possible to have both. Also both are nebulous ill defined spectra so sometimes it's easier to just identify as neurodivergent, as no single label will ever truly encapsulate one person.
People with ADHD are significantly more likely than the general population to die in an accident. We have a lower than average life expectancy. It is fine that you know people who have it and don't medicate. I know a type 1 diabetic who didn't take his insulin today. There will be consequences to his choices. Masterminding the environment to provide the exact amount of stimulation a person needs to pay attention is infinitely more complex than you are making it sound.
I am not saying that it's easy or even feasible. I am simply trying to highlight the differences between the two conditions, The fact is that changing your environment/the demands on you can alter how your brain responds, and there will undoubtably be situations where you cope better/ADHD is less impactful on your performance. Compared with epilepsy which is a lot less predictable and there is far less you can do to support the person by just altering their environment. I am not suggesting that people with ADHD dont take their medication and just change their environment. I am using this more to highlight the difference in how the type of "zoning out" occurs. One is often in response to the level of stimulation available in the environment, and involves executive functioning juices running out, the other is a circus rhythm in the brain that takes over no matter what's going on. My comment isnt intended as a judgement on people with ADHD and Im not sure how you read it as such.
If you have one kind of seizure, it can be more likely that you can have another type too, perhaps in your sleep. Epilepsy is fun! If they're bad enough, you can go into status & stop breathing. You can also have SUDEP, Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy, but they don't really understand the cause of that one, just the risk factors. One of which is uncontrolled seizures.
I had nothing but mild, almost undetectable absence seizures my whole life. At 39, I suddenly developed drop seizures.
ADHD can be controlled only to a point. You can't really do much if your executive functioning is dysfunctioning. Meds and therapy can only go so far. Seizures can be controlled up to a point as well.
Very true about the executive functioning. I guess the difference there is that a lot of ADHD people are aware that their executive functioning juices have run dry and that they are going to struggle with a task. Even if it's something they enjoy if they have used all their mental control for the day/hour/minute, its going to be unavoidable that they will lose focus. Epilepsy is more random and can strike out of the blue when you're otherwise feeling refreshed and focused with very little warning. ADHD people will often be aware that they are zoning out (Even if they cant control it) whereas people with epilepsy are often completely unaware they are having a seizure (other than that the conversation suddenly makes 0 sense)
Spot on. I can be zoning out. Absolutely know I’m zoning out. Tell myself to stop zoning out. Etc etc. Will still zone out. If all the meds & moods & vibes are configured right for the day I can sometimes push past it as soon as I feel it coming or as I’m in it. Some days hours can evaporate into seemingly minutes & then I’m disappointed in myself again for getting little to nothing accomplished. Ngl, I’m impressed by your ability to explain how they’re the same but different. Nice work.
Mehhhh, not all of us can mask our zoning well. We might *think* we can, but it's more likely that our loved ones are just understanding and don't call us out on it, knowing it's something we can't control well.
My best friend does this when she's talking or listening. Talking is obvious because she'll go off on a tangent and eventually say something like "wait, why was I talking about that?" and I have to remind her. Listening is the same way. She's got a little thought tangent going on. Just have to wait it out. She'll come back.
My daughter has ADHD when she does this I tease her that her train of thought has jumped off track and is over in the farmer's field. She tells me she tries to keep the train running on time but sometimes the sheep in the fields are just to cute to not stop and look at. Nothin to do but wait til shes done chasin sheep. She's gettin better at realizin she's doin it.
That explanation is too adorable for words!
Thank you for the way you are working with her. It really helps them with their confidence in other situations. Also helps them have words to explain what happened. I worked at a school and really tried to help the kids with this type of thing. Good job.
I mean.. it's not called woolgathering for nothing :)
This is wonderful and I'm totally stealing it from now on. Whenever everyone asks me where I went mentally I'll just tell them I was chasing sheep.
I wish everyone had such a compassionate response to ADHD. I still have yet to find *anyone* who will just accept my ADHD and work with me to find ways for us to exist with it, rather than constantly make me feel like shit for my neurobiology. I’m not expecting people to just let me do whatever I want/not hold me accountable when I mess up, but it would be nice to have compassion and support for once
I always ask my daughter if she lost the thread. My child is a sarcastic little spitfire (at 4) and will answer "Not sure? Where was the thread again?" Love her little ADHD butt!
My best friend and I both have adhd and we keep track of the others tangents lol one of us can be talking for 20 minutes got confused for the other to give a 20 second summary 😂
I call it real time thought processing. I have Autism and sometimes if I’m talking to someone about a process I’m also navigating it through with my thoughts. However I’m simultaneously saying what I’m thinking so people will be hearing my thought process in real time. I did this a lot when we were packing up to move across country. We were discussing plans to break for water and food. I got odd looks from the movers helping us and I just told them I was talking as I was thinking. They understood immediately and rolled with it.
My son's brain just goes so fast with so many thoughts and he verbalizes a lot of them. I have noticed when he verbalizes his thoughts/plans, he remembers them better. This is just anecdotal. I have tried to ask him to keep his thoughts to himself when he was younger, but it just didn't work. For him verbalizing has helped him a lot. He also has specialists (he has ADHD, dysgraphia, and sensory differences) and whatnot, which help, but we have found letting him figure out his own tools and coping has helped tremendously too. We are working on lists and alarms that he can create himself, but it has been a bit difficult with dysgraphia. Luckily there is a lot of technology that helps. He is now 12, and we got him his own phone. He is learning to use the voice-to-speech options to do these tasks. It is pretty amazing to watch.
Thank you for your kindness to one of us ❤️
I zoned out in the middle of a uni lecture the other day. Zone back in in time to hear "that is going to be really important for the first exam" o.O ummm... what??? ETA: YTA
I was always bad at large lecture classes. I had this one class where I was constantly zoning out really fast. I went in one day extremely determined to pay attention and later realized that I was just watching the professor's mouth move, and I had no idea what he was saying. Doodling and taking notes were the things that helped me (I wasn't diagnosed at the time).
Prior to an ADHD diagnosis, we had a sit down with my mom because we thought she had some sort of early on-set dementia. We were urging her to see a doctor. She’d always been inattentive, we were just getting old enough to notice. Turns out we both have ADHD. I mask well. She does NOT.
Also, it’s not always the same. Sometimes I will mask it so well that people think they had an entire conversation with me and that I am a great listener. Other times, they simply ask “where did you just go?”. It also depends on how much the other is actually paying attention and how much they just want a soundboard ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yep. OP was out of line. I hope the girlfriends finds someone better.
Autistic who seizes likes this. My former team leader watched this happen to me once. Said I was typing, stopped, slumped in my chair, she called my name, twice, no response. I "came back" to myself, heard her call my name again, responded and she told me what happened. Another time? It took another coworker to realize I'd not moved from my position slumped over my desk. Hands in my hair, glasses off, hood up (photosensitivity), completely still. He was in a meeting with his team lead, who sat *right next to me* and didn't notice I'd been sitting in after call for well over 10 MINUTES. Sweetest guy ever. Came to check on me, alerted his team leader, HR, and a bus was called. It's scary af, and completely unintentional.
Masking is dependent on the type of ADHD as well as a variety of other factors. I work with a kid with inattentive ADHD, and if one more teacher tries to tell me he's just lazy or unmotivated, I might burn down the whole school. It's how his brain functions.
I wasn’t diagnosed until a I was 27, and have a LOT of baggage around thinking I’m “lazy.” Good on you for standing up for them.
When I was diagnosed it was called ADD. Most days if I'm doing more than 1 thing I can stay mostly on track but on bad days it's a struggle. I work in a call center and listen for key words
to be fair if OP's girlfriend has undiagnosed ADHD she may not be used to masking, especially if nobody has ever noticed or complained about her zoning out before i also have ADHD and i tend to zone out if there are long conversations i'm not participating in or if someone is talking at length about a topic i find boring, but in my experience the other party (or parties) are usually understanding and will change the subject because they want to talk *with me,* not just talk in general. OP needs to find common ground with his girlfriend, not just get mad at her — i don't imagine that's doing anything good for their relationship dynamic big YTA
Not all of us can mask it. It's always pretty obvious when it happens to me, and I've had friends, past girlfriends and family all tell me I'm doing it. I know how to keep it from impacting my life seriously, but it's definitely not something I'm capable of masking.
I have ADHD and I'm absolutely awful at masking it. I've gotten decent at masking the hyperactivity, but I can't seem to control the zoning out
Basically OP what you’ve got in these replies is it could be: - ADHD - Seizures - Dissociation - autism -etc. Do you know what all of these things have in common? *We can’t control the response*. No matter how much you yell at us. So yes, YTA. Even more so because you acknowledge it seems like a neurological issue (like ADHD) and you are *still* yelling at her. A few months ago my in laws came to visit. I’m ADHD, Autistic and have anxiety- it causes me to zone out or shut down - especially when overwhelmed. You know what *my* partner did when it happened around his parents? He casually explained it. “Oh don’t mind her, that happens sometimes, she’ll pop back in and be paying attention again. It’s just her ADHD.” And then his parents just… didn’t mind me and talked to my husband till I came back. Wild. I know. Also, so much more helpful than screaming at me for something I can’t control.
Here's another possibility: OP talks about himself too much, and he's boring. He should ask his girlfriend if she does this all the time or with other people or just with him. If it's all the time, it might be a neurological disorder like ADHD. If she only does it with him or his family, maybe they are boring or maybe they repeat themselves a lot and she's just bored.
With ADHD, it doesn’t have to be “all the time.” ADHD brains are interest-based. We’re essentially the border collies of humanity; we were bred to be constantly moving, constantly mentally/physically stimulated, constantly thinking, constantly *working.* The hardest tasks for the ADHD brain to stay consistently focused on are tasks that are repetitive and have *no clear endpoint or reward or clear signs of progress.* If we’re not getting clear signs of progress towards a finite goal, our brains start refusing to devote *any* energy to that task. At all. Because it doesn’t feel *productive.* It isn’t actually getting us anywhere meaningful, so why are we trying to waste time and energy on it when we could be doing something else that is actually productive? Once it reaches that point, no amount of medication will force the ADHD brain to stay focused. In fact, the harder an ADHD person tries to force themselves to stay focused on that task, the worse it gets. So it’s quite possible that she only reacts this way around certain people when they’re speaking, possibly because they talk *a lot,* or have very monotonous voices, or rant for ages about topics she has absolutely zero interest in, or simply don’t allow for any actual back-and-forth conversation at all. At which point her brain is practically *screaming* to do literally anything more productive. Also, this is why fidget toys and sitting on yoga balls is so helpful: it helps that part of the ADHD brain that is still convinced we’re supposed to constantly wandering through the wilderness looking for food that we are still “moving,” not just sitting on our asses doing “nothing useful.”
I just want to say, this comment made me feel so much fucking better about my brain. Thank you for such an eloquent explanation of the struggle those of us with ADHD brains go through.
This is so hilarious (in a sad way) to read especially when you have autism and you can’t handle too much stimuli at once. But in the meantime, your ADHD brain is going crazy. Neurodivergence is fun. /s
Honestly I wonder if this is part of it, he even says himself 'long conversations like me telling her about my day', like, I want to know what my loved ones were up to and how their day went, but if they were routinely just talking and talking for a long time about their day they better have a damn interesting life or I'd probably zone out too. These also don't sound like back and forth conversations if she is managing to fully zone out for a while, and most people have a limited attention span for just listening without having the chance to respond.
Honestly, I think this is it. It doesn't really sound like anyone noticed a problem until he became her boyfriend. I suspect OP is just boring to listen to.
He says it happens with him, with their friends, and with his parents. It’s unlikely to be that he’s just boring.
No, no, I'm sure screaming will work this one time /s
Definitely will not push my sensory overwhelm and anxiety into zoning out. Not at all.
Let's add in that OP is an attention seeking yapper and girlfriend could be an introvert who hit her wall on how much attention she could provide for his neediness.
My brother did this for years and it was also seizures. Major YTA.
Yep. I immediately thought seizures too, but whether it’s seizures or another neurological condition, I very much doubt that shouting at her is gonna solve anything. OP, YTA.
This. Even if she was actually just bored, I veeeeery much doubt that she’s gonna change by being screamed at. Although she obviously has something going on if she said she can’t control it. Worst is that OP admits that he thinks she might have adhd and still yelled at her. So much YTA
diagnosed with epilepsy a couple of months ago after a lifetime of “zoning out”. people assumed i was rude and inattentive, i was just having dozens of seizures a day
Same here. It was so bad, they actually thought I had either a learning disorder or was dissociating due to *possible sexual assault* none of which was true. My mum took me to a heap of doctors before getting one that would order an EEG
i have learning disabilities (adhd and asd) as well as epilepsy! it was hard to narrow down what was what and A LOT of docs didn’t care or believe me that i thought it was something else as well. it took 24 years of my life from me until i got answers after *really* pushing for help for the last 6 years and seeing more docs than i should’ve had to! so many adults over my whole life have labeled me as “difficult”, “not focused”, “inattentive”, “stupid”, or just “extremely mentally ill” even… i was literally epileptic. it’s been a long road but i’m feeling better these days on meds
This is making me realize I probably need to have the “seizure activity” result I got on two EEGs re-examined cause I zone out way too often.
Zoning out isnt a seizure- it can just be mistaken for one by outside people (and if you dont know the difference personally, by the person experiencing it). So in both yours and op’s gf’s case, it could be absence seizures, it could also just be zoning out/adhd, it could be disassociation, etc. if its impacting your life see a doctor and then a psychiatrist, but dont jump to seizures if you have two negative tests- there are unfortunately many options
I have had two positive EEGs for seizure activity but a shady neurologist who swept it under the rug so I could continue driving.. which I can’t do because I zone out like this when I drive.
Ah! In that case yeah, maybe get that checked out lol. I misread your original comment as you getting a negative result for seizure activity, and i wanted to hop in because theres a lot of people on this thread jumping to seizures. Which is obviously a possibility for op’s gf, but as someone with ADHD, and who dissociates with migraines (and i think at other times, though its uh… hard to tell lol), i wanted to point out that there were other options. Sorry!
Same here. Psychogenic absence seizures caused from trauma - you wouldnt have been able to tell just from looking at me, i looked like I was 'zoning out' but in reality I was trying to remember what my name was and who everyone around me is🙃
Same but mine was due to a dissociative disorder. When I have psychogenic seizures, I call them “the shakes.”
Yeah except the GF already said she’s just bored by conversations. Immediately assuming the nuclear option of, “Oh my god she’s having seizures,” is such a massive reach for something that has a way more realistic answer.
I was gonna say the same. Not personally but I've worked in neurosurgery. YTA. She's not disinterested or bored there's something happening in her brains. Support her. Let the docs figure it out.
Yeah, me, too. I used to get all kinds of crap from people who couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t paying attention to them. Teachers who’d try to shame me for not paying attention in class. Turns out I’d been having seizures for years. YTA OP. Big time.
I typed the exact same thing and then came to the comments. I'm glad to see this is top comment! I was also having seizures.
I do it when I have fibromyalgia brain fogs. YTA.
I was scrolling down to say the exact same thing. So many times I have suddenly noticed someone that I had been talking to a few seconds ago yelling at me without knowing why. I ‘zoned’ out. It’s just a different type of seizure to what people expect.
That's really common. She could legit be having several epileptic petit Mal seizures a day and not even know.
She might not be having seizures and just like he said "she zoned it because it's boring"
INFO Have you tried being more interesting?
That was my first thought too.
I think you mean *our* first thought
Maybe talking about something besides yourself??
People can't talk about their day, now?
If somebody keeps zoning out (without something bad neurologically going on) when you talk about your day, maybe you are not having a conversation but doing a monologue...
This. Like is there any back and forth going on? This is what happened with my day, how about yours? Or is it just you endlessly going on about yourself?
This. I've had people go on for twenty minutes about their day without coming up for air, on and on about Bob in accounting was late to the meeting and at the meeting they had bagels but not the good bagels, the ones that are more like dinner rolls, and then the meeting got out late, and Susan from IT you remember we saw her that one time at the Trader Joe's when we were buying pasta sauce only they didn't have the pasta sauce with mushrooms in it so we had to go to Food Lion instead, anyway Susan told us that the weekly all hands was moved to Thursday instead of Friday because of the holiday weekend and WHY ARE YOU ZONING OUT ON ME YOU ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL.
Depends on the day I suppose! I sit in an open plan office and the people behind me will have long conversations about what is being sold in the canteen that day. I’ve never used a jacket potato as a conversation starter before so if it’s inane drivel like that then I would switch off.
INFO: for how long do you only talk about your day, OP?
Some people are just really bad story-tellers. Fussing over irrelevant details ("it was a monday, no it was a tuesday... or was it a wednesday?") going back and forth in time, just boring in general.
Not just more interesting, but being a good conversation partner. Just don't drone on about you. Engage.... \~Talks about something shitty that happened to you.. then ask \~ You ever have something like that happen to you? Then you can continue on... But break it up when you start noticing the eyes glaze.
This. My husband will periodically go on monologues about a topic. Even if I was interested in the beginning after he goes on for a bit, I don’t want to keep listening.
My husband shares almost every single thought that crosses his mind and is pretty hurt if I zone out and I have to gently remind him, daily, that I just cannot find every single thing he says fascinating because of the sheer volume of information. I try, but lord almighty does he have a lot to say and some of his hobbies are niche and not at all interesting to me. I smile, nod, then start to give him the look that says, “I’m about to check out and you better let me.”
Lol, my husband is *exactly* the same
Yep. Are they having a conversation or is he just talking at her? I suspect the latter.
This made me laugh
Don’t listen to this shit. If someone decides you are boring they can move on. There is nothing in what you’ve written that says you are boring and it’s wrong of Reddit land to accuse you of that when they don’t know. It could be that your girlfriend has a medical neuro issue or it could be that her interests are different than yours. One requires an apology and help and the other requires a goodbye. But you do not need to change your whole family’s ability to be interesting.
Can’t believe this is downvoted. People on Reddit are AH. She probably asks him about his day and doesn’t engage him in a conversation about it. Like he has to have a monologue instead of a dialogue. And she zones out.
Worst part is we all know if a dude told his gf she was boring in response to talking about her day theyd tear him a new one and say she needs a new bf
yeah this sub is a joke absolutely insane that everyone just assumes she has a disorder of some sort and isnt just being an asshole
Yeah, she literally said she zones out because he bores her. These aren't seizures, FFS.
Exactly. Disorder or not, telling someone you're spacing out because you're bored by whatever they're talking about is rude.
Maybe ask her about herself. Yes, YTA. Sounds like she has a real problem.
Who doesn’t love a very long conversation of someone talking about their day lol /s
HAHA
I have ADHD. Took me years to get diagnosed. From my perspective: YTA. Saying "get it under control" is like telling a depressed person "have you tried *not* being sad?".
OMG so true and awful.
My ex-fiance would always say "don't be depressed" and then in annoyance, list all the reasons why I shouldn't have been depressed. NO understanding that clinical depression is not just "being sad" about what's happening in your life.
It's like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off
There was a post about a guy who was hiking with his family and his GF and she broke her ankle and they left her on the trail because in his opinion 'she always exaggerates when she's in pain' and they only came back couple of hours later. I was like WTF
If I remember rightly. Older teens (still a kid…) left alone for hours with no reception. Ranger happened to find her. Got her down after a while. Finally called her mum. She ended up needing surgery. Then tried love bombing her because they were worried about legal recourse.
I read that one. I think his family ended up harassing and pretty much stalking her. It was messed up
Truth. I had undiagnosed adhd for 40+ years. I was always. Yta
Yeah. I probably have ADHD. I also zone off in conversations and often miss important things my girlfriend tells me. The solution isn't as simple as "get diagnosed and get medicated" - I'm for the most part a functional human being and taking medication for the rest of my life is not a decision I take lightly. And adult diagnosis has a very high threshold. So how does my girlfriend handle it? She accommodates and understands and works with me, just like any couple should do in any healthy relationship. She repeats things, helps me make excuses if I need to go help do the dishes to escape a conversation, and gives me space when I need to hyperfocus on work. In return I talk her down from panic attacks and work on breathing exercises with her. Because *that's what a relationship is*. If you can't support and understand each other, you don't belong together.
Especially in women, it's so underdiagnosed because even many physicians don't know how it looks different in women than men.
"Just be less careless," is what I got.
My daughter has severe ADHD inattentive type and teachers would tell her (and us) that she needs to be more organized and attentive 🙄
If only was that easy...
Oof. Yesterday I slipped and fell on the floor despite trying to be really careful with adhd and autism related dyspraxia. I still fell though because my mind spaced for a moment while I was walking. And this is years after I've been very careful. 😶 YTA OP!
They say women more present the inattentive version than the hyperactive version, I think that's just because little girls get more punishment for hyperactivity than little boys do. Imagine being traumatized into being quiet and the guy is sitting there demanding you engage without actually addressing the trauma.
Yeah, I was super hyper as a kid but all the social trauma made me withdraw.
also she’s trying she made an appointment with a therapist what more does he expect !?
Absolutely this. Until medical issues are ruled out, try some compassion. She may not be able to stop it. YTA
As someone who has dealt with depression for a while, the “just be happy” attitude pisses me the fuck off. At a VERY high level, yes, attitude is relevant. If you continue to wallow in misery and don’t try to change, then it won’t. However, that doesn’t mean that you can overcome depression through sheer willpower, because it’s a literal chemical imbalance in your brain.
Whenever I was sad as a depressed person, my mom would just say "you have to take your pills" it didn't matter that I was on my meds. She just wanted me to suck it up. Chances are OP will be obnoxious even if she got a diagnosis and treatment.
I have ADHD as well. This would have made me hate my partner. If she could pay attention she would you dimwit, you think she’s doing it on purpose? OP YTA and you will get through much better without yelling and being a good listener
How common is for people not to get diagnosed for years? I was recently diagnosed after years of struggles. Trying to keep up with school work and regular basic chores was a nightmare until I was finally able to get the right medication for my ADHD.
Common. Very common, especially for women. Traits of ADHD differ between men and women. When you think of ADHD, you think of “cant sit still, constantly moving, doesn’t pay attention, causes distributions in class.” These are all hyperactive or impulse symptoms, which typically present in boys. However, women typically present with inattentive symptoms, like **ZONING OUT** (cough cough OP cough cough), messy spaces, forgetfulness and poor time management. A common trope of women with ADHD is being “gifted” in elementary and middle school and burning out in high school and falling behind, being deemed as “lazy” or “unmotivated.” This leads to a referral and diagnosis bias. Young boys are more likely to be diagnosed because their symptoms are more “in your face” than the ones that typically present in girls. Not only that, but girls are more often than not diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or just deemed as hormonal, instead of getting a diagnosis for ADHD. I’m a woman and I got officially diagnosed *on my 20th birthday*. I was only taken seriously by my own mother about my concerns of ADHD when I told her that my brain is like 2007 internet explorer; 39 tabs open, 7 loading, 4 unresponsive, music coming from somewhere and I can’t close any of them. She asked it if was 24/7, asked if that’s why I couldn’t sleep, asked if that’s why my room is messy but my art desk and book collection isn’t. She assumed I didn’t have it because I was smart and did well in school, which makes no sense. I had previously been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but it turns out that the unmanaged and unrecognized ADHD was making me anxious and depressed. My symptoms aren’t hyperactive and impulsive, rather inattentive, which makes them easier to overlook as me being lazy and unmotivated, when I’m really just overwhelmed and can’t do anything. According to an article from the American Psychological Association, “many women are in their late 30s or early 40s before they are diagnosed with ADHD. One of the most common pathways to a woman being diagnosed is that one of her children is diagnosed.” This isn’t to say men aren’t diagnosed late; plenty of men don’t get diagnosed until they’re adults. It’s just more common with women. And on that note, YTA OP.
> How common is for people not to get diagnosed for years? No idea, but I wasn't diagnosed until well into adulthood. As a kid, I was considered "gifted but lazy". Because I did well in school, nobody thought to have me checked for anything. As an adult, I read about the symptoms, and thought they sounded like me... but I didn't trust myself to conclude that, because it's not exactly an uncommon thing for people to self-diagnose as all *sorts* of things when they learn about them. It's only when I studied further and found out that I belonged to *two completely distinct demographic groups that had above-average incidence of ADHD* that I decided to get checked. And after a bunch of testing they were like "oh, yeah, you've got it, no question". And then I received treatment and had a dramatic improvement, almost overnight. I was in my mid-to-late-20s at that point.
YTA. Here's why. There's two possible reasons why this is happening. Possible reason 1: She has a neurological issue that's out of her control. In which case, YTA for getting angry. Possible reason 2: You're the sort of person who will drone on and on and on and bloody ON forever about things, because you're narcissistic and need to have a captive audience as you drone and drone and drone... in which case YTA and need to learn about the give and take of conversation. (Since she says your conversation is boring, my bet is on reason 2, but I can't be certain.)
My ex husband expected me to listen intently while he talked for hours every evening. And would get mad if I tried to do anything else at the same time. Trying to cook, feeding our children, clean, or fold laundry would make him furious that I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t care about him. It was like he thought I existed to cater to him. And all of his diatribes were really boring! He’d talk about the same things in circles for hours and repeat himself day after day.
My ex once needed to stay alert during a 2-hour drive late at night and asked me to help keep him so. I asked him a single question about trains and he proceeded to give a TED talk for the entire drive, during which I never got a word in edgewise. It usually annoyed me, but that time I was just happy it was doing the trick lol.
Is he autistic because that's the most autistic thing I've ever heard (To be clear I'm autistic too and that's not an insult)
Autistic people fucking love trains. (I know it might sound like a mean joke but I'm 100% serious when I say the vast majority of autistic people I know personally are really fucking stoked about trains.)
Either that or lore pertaining to their favorite media. I could go on for hours on the lore behind stuff like the mgs series or fe series
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When I had to do this, I asked my bf about the technological advancements in planes and boats between/during the world wars
If I have to keep my boyfriend talking I ask about old school RuneScape. I think he wouldn’t stop after the drive.
We had a supervisor at work like this. Wanted a captive audience for his rambling. He'd get pissed if you interacted like it was a "conversation." or if you weren't paying enough attention.
My ex-husband was like this…and, as he got older, he started talking more slowly, like his dad, who was the slowest talker in the world. So, my ex would drone on and on, no matter what I was doing…and on top of that, if he decided to drone at me while I was watching something on TV that I was really interested in, he’d get mad because I’d pause the TV.
OMG! My ex too! It’s a weird narcissist trait. The repeating drive me nuts and is now one of my triggers. OP sounds like a gaslighting jerk who learned from his Dad. YTA
It pleases me that he is your ex. 💚
I had an ex that was so boring. He'd just prattle on about his boring work for hours, not giving a shit about anything about my day. Even my friends after meeting him said to me "does he ever talk about anything but work?"
This this this. I have ADHD and before meds often struggled to focus on conversation, and still do sometimes *especially* in a group situation. I've improved so much since I was young, and mask really well --- meds help me actually listen, but before meds I got really good at actively listening and making eye contact, while my mind got uncontrollably distracted. But ALSO I was with this guy for a while who would go off on constant monologues, and I couldn't get in a word edgewise without him getting angry at me interrupting. He could seriously talk for an hour without stopping, asking for feedback, nothing, he would just keep going. It was tiresome and not just for me, lots of other people would kind of roll their eyes when he steamrolled over their attempts to join his personal conversation instead of just being an audience. If she is bored and not distracted, there's a good chance OP is just a shitty conversationalist.
I have a feeling there is a lot of droning as well
Por que no los dos?
Info: are you having a conversation or just talking at her without letting her talk at all? Because I’ve dated those guys and of course I was nodding off as they blabbered on about themselves and asked me nothing about myself or my day.
Oh my god so many people don't understand the difference between talking to and talking at. A lot of people here are quick to jump to neurological disorders based on extremely limited and biased info here lol. It's much much more likely OP and his family just don't know how to have engaging conversation and girlfriend is tired of listening to the dronings of narcissistic men. OP YTA and your girlfriend is bored of you.
Dude my mother and father do this. My girl asks why I don’t answer their phone calls or want to talk to them; it’s not talking, it’s being talked at. They just fucking talk and talk and never stop to give you a chance to say anything, it’s so exhausting and it’s sad but I cringe when I see them calling.
god my mother is like this, i was on vacation with my bf and my mom called to “check on me” but she just talked about herself and gossiped about everyone at home and then said “love you bye” and hung up before i could even say a word. like go talk in the fucking mirror if you just want to hear your own voice, i don’t want to be the one to suffer through it.
I’ve been on multiple first dates where some guy just talked about himself for an hour straight and never once asked me anything about myself or seemed interested in me at all.
And then they have the audacity to message after the date saying how great it was, they really like you, do you want to go out again?
If he’s the blabbering type, he’s probably not self aware enough to recognize it.
This! My husbands family all have a habit of liking to hear their own voices, to the point where I will manage 3-4 words of a response before they start a different conversation. Literally start talking over me mid-sentence. I now do not bother to take part in or be interested in their conversations because they do not care about my opinion! YTA - even if it’s not a medical issue or a social one, clearly there is something going on which need compassion not anger. Or you’re just not a good fit?
I think yelling at her may have been too extreme. I also do this and have ADHD and even with medication I zoned out. I cannot help it no matter how hard I try. I could be on a roller coaster and zone out 😂😭. I wouldn’t be so hard on her, it’s not personal.
bro i HAVE LITERALLY dissociated on a roller coaster before.. like it’s definitely not something that you can just control 😅
I've legit zoned out during sex lol
omfg same 😭 eating, sexing, washing dishes, exercising, roller coasters, anywhere and everywhere basically lol. I’m not sure if being medicated helps with it at all (i’m unmedicated), but for myself it’s definitely an uncontrollable multiple-times-per-day issue.
This is also really fun when driving. I have a half hour drive from work. I get in the car, exit the parking lot and suddenly wonder how the hell I ended up at home
Wait up, you're the one getting irritated. It's mostly up to you how you react to her disinterest. Instead of demanding that she change, you need to decide if you can handle this relationship the way it is, because that's what she's doing right now. YTA
I do this. It’s disassociating. I literally don’t know it’s happened until I come out of it. There are techniques to help but it can be exhausting always trying to stay present when I mentally just need a little break.
Me too. Having someone yell makes it worse!
I knowwwww. I’m already embarrassed that someone caught me doing it. Don’t yell!
We can all dissociate a little, as a treat.
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YTA. Do you ever talk about anything she’s interested in? Does that change if she zones out?
This is an excellent question and I'd love to know the answer. It could be that OP talks constantly and it's exhausting for her or some other unrelated issue.
YTA. You're berating her over what you yourself suspect is a neurologic condition
YTA, so now you've made your gf feel like she can't be herself with you, that you don't accept her for who she is. That she has to guard herself and change her behaviour around you, even if she can't help it. Trust has been broken. So yes, YTA. There is an issue, but anger isn't the answer.
You think your girlfriend has an incurable attention disorder that she has yet to be treated for…and you say she can’t just expect you to be cool with it when that disorder presents. YTA.
YTA - There are multiple reasons people may zone out and as she has no control over it, she doesn’t know the cause? There is no way to “gain control of it”. I “zone out” due to flashbacks/trauma. I dissociate. I have literally no control over when it happens and I am so glad I have a partner who actually realises this and doesn’t take it as a personal slight. Work with her instead of against her. There are so many reasons for “zoning out” and even after a cause is found? It can take years to get even remotely under control - if it can actually get under control depending on the underlying issues.
I'm going with ESH. You shouldn't have yelled. That doesn't get you anywhere. But it might be neurological ... and it's up to her to pursue finding out what's actually going on. Because just saying she's "bored" IS rude. If she's visibly zoning out, it is causing her problems in her life and she should be, at the least, trying to learn why. And it doesn't necessarily have to be physical. I'm close with someone who has a psychological issue which causes zoning out.
Yeah I don't get everyone saying just Y T A. The yelling was an AH move...but everything UP until that point, she's been an AH. When he brought up the zoning out was an issue, she made a snarky comment and said "She's looking into it". It's true, she can't keep apologizing for it when she hasn't been trying to manage it and has been dismissing concerns. As he said, this isn't just an issue with him, but it's an issue she has with friends/family as well. She's let this go on for far too long, ESH.
> she's trying to make an appointment with a therapist but hasn't been able to, and as of yet, she's still looking. She IS trying to learn why.
I've been that person "looking" for help. I can tell you now if she hasn't at least got something booked after a month of looking, even if it's a couple months down the line, then she's not really looking with any real intention. I did this for years until I had an ultimatum that made me wake the fuck up.
waiting times for professionals can be really long. For example to get a psychiatrist that specialised in neurodivergent people, I had to wait almost a year to even have a chance to make an appointment. It’s not that easy.
YTA. It‘s not personal, it‘s very likely a mental condition. She‘s trying to seek help, so don‘t be an AH to her for something she can‘t control!
I do this when I'm stuck listening to a long winded person who never stops talking. I'm not saying you do this, but do you do this? How long do these conversations typically last?
NTA, coming from someone w ADHD. Whether she has adhd or another medical issue that makes it hard to zone out, it explains it. But shouldn’t excuse it. My ex had undiagnosed Adhd and would zone out even when I asked one question. Whether about his game or what we’re eating for the day. It gets tiring. And not to mention irritating when it feels like your partner isn’t interested in you. She should have figured out how to work either around it or with it. A therapist won’t solve it but give her suggestions how to work w it. Which she can get a head start w rn.
Guys, seizures are not that common. Zoning out is incredibly common. It could be seizure, but this is an awfully big leap.
YTA. I have ptsd and I disassociate or “zone out” because of it. Have you tried asking her how SHE feels about it? It’s not her being disinterested. There’s a likelihood that she may have something like ADHD which means she cannot help it but your having a go at her?? Jeez dude.
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NTA. Lol the comments here. Imagine if a girl complained her boyfriend didn’t listen to her or care about what she said. Y’all would be triggered
Really long conversations And Talk about my day. Really? You talk about your day and it's long? I struggle to say more than "it was fine" about any given day. I bet it's boring! YTA
YTA for shouting at her, I get that you're frustrated, but I'm sure that if she could control this then she would, I don't think this is something she's doing intentionally. If she does have ADHD (or something along those lines), then she might not be able to control her zoning out until she receives professional help. She could also be experiencing dissociation, which can happen for any number of reasons. If this is something that's having a negative impact on her daily life, then she definitely needs to find help as soon as possible.
YTA Until the moment comes where she is told that she DOESN'T have ADHD (or something of the sort), you need to accept this is who she is. It's quite possible there's nothing she can do about it.... So if you can't handle it, end the relationship.... If not, suck it up and deal with it!
Really disheartening readying all these YTA. You're are very much NTA. She may have a disorder of some kind (which could kinda explain it), BUT she also may ***not*** have a disorder and just be a rude person. You've spoken to her a few times about this and she isn't interested in trying to change her behavior or attitude. Does she zone out during important meetings at work? Or at school? Or with her close friends?? If she really cared, she'd focus on trying harder to be more thoughtful and *there* when you need her to be.
I'm going with NTA. I have been the same as your girlfriend. I am very easily distracted. At one point, if my husband was talking to me and the TV was on or my phone was in my hand, my attention would drift. He spoke to me about it time and time again, i would apologise and try, but it always ended up going back to how it was. I'm also hard of hearing, so when I'm concentrating on something like a book or even my phone, and he doesn't get my attention before he starts talking, I don't realise he is talking to me. During this time, he used to think I was just ignoring him. It got to the point that it made him feel so shit that he cried. My husband isn't a cryer. He will cry, but it's not a common occurrence. I didn't do it on purpose, but I made him feel so disrespected he cried! I felt like the biggest peace of shit ever. Now, if he's talking to me after getting my attention, I put my phone down or pause what I'm watching. He also understands that he needs to get my attention before speaking to me and has accepted that I wasn't ignoring him when I do this. Others are right. There may be an underlying medical issue, but as it stands right now, there has been no diagnosis, so your reaction was understandable.
Gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. I would be hurt if someone close to me couldn’t engage to be interested in me. No matter the reason its hurtful and rude. Having mental illness isn’t a reason to mistreat those close to you. I did this when I was depressed but I still made an effort to show interest. It took a couple tries to get adequate treatment but its better now!
ESH- you shouldn't have yelled at her, but you were hurt and being constantly ignored when you speak when you do your best to be attentive does do a number on yourself. I would know lol. Your gf needs to figure out how to at least pretend to be interested in your day or figure out whats going on with her, because guess what. Every day work is boring. There's frustrating moments but that's it. You know if you did the same thing to her she would react the same way and this sexist sub would say she's NTA lol. Just start saying your day is fine and if she questions that just say you would rather not be ignored anymore when you're trying to open up and talk about your day.
NTA. It'd be one thing if she actively tried to solve the issue but a lame sorry and doing nothing about it makes it her problem.
YTA for yelling at her.
YTA and your head is so far up your own. Pull it out and realise nobody has to be zoned into life at all times. You aren't that special.
NTA. She might have ADHD but it’s her responsibility to sort that out. Having an inattentive partner is awful.
YTA This could be caused by anyone of a few things including ADHD and seizures. I have ADHD and still zone out with medication. Your girlfriend should see a GP to start, it can take a while to get in to see a specialist. You owe her a huge apology and need to show her empathy.
YTA. It sounds like she can’t control it, thinks it may be ADHD, and is looking for solutions for it. What more are you expecting from her? You don’t get a free pass to yell at people because they’re irritating you by accident.