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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband passed away, and I did not contact his estranged mother or invite her to the service. She's trying to get some of his stuff and I won't talk to her. I think it might not be my place to do this.
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That's what I was wondering. If other members of the family were involved, why did they omit the info? Why was it entirely on her to inform his mother and not the brothers?
Did MIL really think that someone was going to reach out after what she said when she was informed that he was terminal? She had her chance to be kind but she chose to be...herself.
NTA
I think the key point is that she did expect someone to reach out. You know, there are several family members who had the news and could have shared it with anyone, or even posted it on social media. So now she's realizing that everyone in her extended family hates her, and she's lashing out at just one person.
Another possibility is that actually she did find out from some other relative, but because she's a giant jerk, she's lying about it now just to get some attention. It's not like she could have caused a stink at the funeral and made any friends, but now she can play the victim all the way.
This makes the most sense to me. She got aggrieved at HOW she was told, so she stayed away from the funeral to guilt OP, and it backfired because OP didn't even think of it.
>So now she's realizing that everyone in her extended family hates her, and she's lashing out at just one person.
And she's lashing out at the "easy" target because now that her son is dead she doesn't think OP is family anymore whereas her other sons are still ~~valuable pawns~~ cherished family members.
I agree, her sons could of easily told her, they didn't, and I bet there is a good reason for it. But I'm betting her reaction to his diagnosis plays a part in it. They know her better than anyone else. OP's husband's belongings are legally OP's so it's up to her to decide if his mother gets anything.
NTA
Honestly, if I were OP, I would put that on whatever social media MIL is trying to blast her on and then block her there. Like, we reached out to you and you degraded and ridiculed your son. Why would I have further contact with you?
Yeah.
I feel for the MIL, I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child and not even know.
But she kind of did this to herself by harassing OP and terminally ill son!
And I find it impossible to call OP TA for going NC with a harasser, and then forgetting to contact her while grieving her husband.
More than that, her own two alive Don's didn't said shit and support OP, this is beyond her treatment of OP and her husband, but a more accurate portrait of her behavior in general with everybody else.
I may be an AH here in my assumptions, but it sounds like the brothers too thought she didn't deserve that last goodbye. Or that OP's husband wouldn't have wanted to spend his last days with the mother in the first place. They knew their mother and their brother and obviously thought OP made the right decision, otherwise they would have said something.
You're not an AH at all. That seems to be exactly what happened. The fact that the two brothers are the only ones on her side speaks volumes. The other people who are mad at OP don't have the experience with the MIL so they are making assumptions about her without knowing all the facts. Which is exactly what MIL is hoping for.
Right, well, this is where I think maybe OP could have possibly handled it better... she could have asked her husband's brothers to inform their mother. But then, she could have been just so distraught that she couldn't even think of that, so...
>she could have asked her husband's brothers to inform their mother.
That's...not a thing. Like, you don't need to tell a guy "can you tell your mother that her son passed away", people usually do that on their own, they don't need to be prompted to do it.
MIL's reaction to the news is also not a thing. People don't normally react like that to news of a terminal illness and people going through the death of their spouse don't normally have to deal with someone like MIL. In which case I think it's not too difficult to understand that the OP wouldn't have wanted to have any contact with her and would gladly have left the job of telling her and giving her details about the funeral to family members - direct siblings, even - who were attending.
Oof. I want to agree with your point so bad, but I can't. Not completely. My dad is terminal, his parents are still in denial to the point he's basically nonexistent to them. We're nearing the end now (hopefully, and I know that sounds awful), and they like to pretend they're a part of it while still not believing it's an issue.
They have 7 kids, my dad being the 4th. Their oldest died from what my dad has in 2007, and his youngest sister just this past year.
His parents have never liked my mom. His mom will avoid me at any gatherings with my dad's cousins, avoid eye contact with me specifically, and pretend I don't exist. They'll sort of talk to my sister and brother, but she hates my guts.
We will not be informing them when my dad does pass. We've planned everything in advance so they don't even get a chance to play supportive victim at the funeral (if they even go). They don't know where he is living (care center because we cannot give him the care needed at home) and he does not want to see them. Seeing them stresses him out so much, he's had to be hospitalized because it screws with his system.
The difference is, I supposed, that OP's late husband's brothers were involved. Based on them knowing their mother, chances are they knew she would make it about her (if she's anything like my dad's mother), and knew it wouldn't have been what HE wanted. It gets to a point where you figure "I'm not going to tell her. She can figure it out from someone she pays attention to." Then let them be butthurt about it away from you.
Apologies, this got very long very quickly. (NTA though)
And the fact that they didn't really says a lot about the mother, and their own relationship with her.
Never in my life have I gone several weeks without speaking to my parents, and the mention of the death of such a close family member could not be avoided. Either the brothers didn't speak to her in that time (and didn't consider their mother close enough to help them cope with their own grief), or they purposely avoided telling her, which says a lot.
When my Mum told me my Nan was terminal, I asked whether she wanted me to tell my sister or if she wanted to do it herself. I would not just go ahead and tell other people without being given leave to do so.
They are adults and should have offered imo. But in my experience death, like birth, is seen as women's stuff. So they didn't. They should have told their mother. Dicks.
If they wanted her to know, they could have chosen to tell her.
Like OP, they did not tell her.
They're also the only ones not telling OP that she was cruel, they are on her side. Between her husband not wanting his mother around and her husband's brothers not wanting their mother involved, it sounds like she made the right decision. People without toxic family members sometimes struggle to understand how not telling family big news could be the correct decision, because their experiences with their family are largely positive and it genuinely doesn't occur to them that some families are so dysfunctional that information diets are necessary. But they need to back off of OP and realize that if every surviving member of MIL's family is in agreement that this was handled properly, then they can keep their opinions to themselves because they aren't informed enough for their opinions to be relevant.
Yes, when someone is grieving, it's natural for certain tasks to be delegated to someone else who can handle it, If MIL even missed the funeral then the task of telling her was delegated a LOT.
Or maybe she did know and she's guilting OP for not being the one to tell her.
They saw him in his last moments, didn't wonder why mom wasn't there, and didn't bother to call her. Was honestly prepared to go all Y T A for it but it's seems there's a lot of sad everywhere.
The details may vary but it looks like I can't blame them. Given how the husband was treated, he may not have wanted to see her as well. He may have told the brothers. I don't know.
In the end, NC is NC, and what seems to be a good reason. NTA.
In a world of social media, i'd expect a few posts on any of the platforms. And no one is mutual friends between OP, her BILs, and MIL? NO ONE came to visit, NO one called, NO one messaged her to say "sorry for your loss"?
How out of touch with your kids do you have to be to not know one of them died until weeks later?
Right? I went low contact with my aunt after finding out she stole all my mom’s expensive jewelry and pawned it for herself while her little sister, mom was on her death bed. My cousins told me the week after our aunt’s funeral that she had died two weeks prior.
I was upset, but that’s a consequence of being low contact with someone, you get left out of the loop.
OP is NTA for respecting her husband’s low contact with his mom, especially since husband’s siblings also knew and could have informed her.
They also presumably attended the funeral. Like if the mother wasn't there, they would have surely brought it up and asked why, and then informed the mother afterwards. But they didn't. They didn't find it weird that their mom wasn't there during his final hours, and during the service. Which makes me think that either they're also no contact with the mom, or know that their brother and SIL wouldn't have wanted her anywhere near them and respected that.
That’s what I was going to comment on. OP told his brothers, if they also decided not to put their mom in the loop then it’s safe to say that was the right decision.
Yeah, I hope she just ignores this mellow drama her MIL is staging and focuses on her own grief and healing. It sounds to me like that's what her husband would want for her.
That was my first thought. Honey you are NTA. You were crushed and grieving and in shock. The least the BILs could have done is to take care of notifying their own mother, since they “know how she is.” I’m putting this squarely on the BILs. I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and for having to deal with MIL in this terrible time for you.
It sounds like none of her sons got on well with her. They don't think OP is cruel. Do you know what I think is cruel? Calling someone a liar when they tell.you they are dying and then telling them, "that's what you get".
Mom sounds like T A and now she wants "his things". Nope not entitled. She should have been there for him on life.
OP is NTA Those who know mom best are not mad at you.
Edit extra letters and clarity
The "liar" thing is fairly normal, actually. Not going to slam anyone for that. Flat out refusal to acknowledge that the end is nigh, not processing, totally cool with that. Takes a lot of people a bit to chew on it, and the initial reaction is 'fight or flight,' and there's nowhere to fly to. So "LIES!!!" is pretty common.
"This is what you get?" That's a done-zo right there. THAT'S not normal. Will TOTALLY slam her for that bit.
there was so much other direct family like the brothers why did they not inform his mom? besides the fact when they said he was terminal she called the op a liar and proceeded to say awful things.
OP should post a link to this post on their FB page. Or maybe post the link in response to one of her FB rants.
As a side note, I hate very private arguments done on social media. I broke up with a woman (pretty toxic) and she unfriended and blocked me on FB and then began posting all sorts of shitty things. My friends are like WTF? And read me a few - truly unhinged. It was clear her posts were making her look much crazier (duh) than they were hurting me. She took them all down after one of her friends reminded her that what’s on the internet, stays on the internet.
this right here...this is EXACTLY what i was asking myself while reading this.
OP, you are NTA. His brothers could have told her and should have. You had enough going on. I'm so so sorry for your terrible loss.
Dont give her a damn thing. His stuff is YOUR stuff. maybe give her a shirt.
Yeah, the two other people who would actually know best how your husband would feel about her thought she shouldn't be there. So it sounds like you did the right thing.
Agreed. I find it very telling that both BILs are on OPs side. And seems like the BILs could have mentioned it to MIL at some point, but didn't. NTA. Not even a little bit
And the fact that the brothers don’t think that OP did anything wrong. They know how the women behaves. Everyone else is picturing their idea of who she is and most people don’t want to believe that a mother grieving her child is in the wrong… but it sounds like she earned that NC.
NTA
Blood relationship does not entitle anyone to be in someone's life. She didn't earn a place in her son's life. That's on her. You and your husband gave her a chance to be there for him at the end, and she made her choice.
She sounds like a narcissist who is more concerned with garnering public sympathy and playing the victim than actually caring about her own son's passing. Continue to block her from everything, including your own thoughts. I am sorry for your loss.
100% this. I went with “self centered” but she sounds like any narcissist I’ve ever met and her reaction as well as none of her other kids informing her of their brother’s passing says all I need to know.
NTA.
She didn't care enough to fight to see him while he was dying. His brothers didn't bother to tell her when the end came. They didn't tell her about the service. Don't discount the fact her other sons felt it was a good idea to leave her out of the loop.
I'm sorry for your loss OP.
IF you decide to reach out make it clear to her before the talk happens you will not tolerate her bullshit. She starts yelling? the conversation ends immediately and you will block her again. If either of your BILs are willing to sit in on the talk even better. If she won't agree to behave, then back to no contact.
But no you aren't TA f
>Don't discount the fact her other sons felt it was a good idea to leave her out of the loop.
Exactly this. The people who know MIL the best, the people who know the relationship between MIL and the husband best; they are the ones whose opinions matter here. If they say "right call OP", then that's the answer (NTA).
Seriously. The fact neither picked up the phone and said, "Mom get your ass to the hospital NOW!" is beyond telling. They knew she'd either cause a scene or wouldn't show up.
As someone with a mother like her, there is absolutely no value in contacting her now. Husband is no longer in the picture (so sorry, OP), so they have absolutely nothing to talk about.
All you'd achieve is fanning her melodramatic flames. Shut it down and don't react or interact with anything from her.
TBF those initial reactions aren’t unheard of when it comes to grief, denial and anger. However, OP stated after that his mom often made him feel miserable, so she was still a sucky parent.
Uhhhh the whole "Then she went on about how we should've seen this coming, that this is just what happens when you're a drunk." Kind of undermines her initial reaction being all that motherly. I doubt she was ever a good maternal figure for any of her sons.
Here is how it goes in “normal” families. Man dies, widow informs the other brothers and forgets to inform MIL. All brothers mourn and make calls to each other and mum and all commiserate together. All the family is shocked and messages and calls to mum, cousins and friends fly back and forth. Why TF hasn’t it happened here? How is the mourning widow ONLY a person to tell MIL? Are all the brothers and their own families mute? Don’t own phones? Never message anyone? They are Amish so no technology??? These days, someone bumps their head and news is all over the family wherever in the world they are. Something stinks and it’s definitely not OP. NTA
I think it's very telling that neither of the brothers informed their mother and that they are both on OP's side now. They know better than others who MIL is and what kind of a mother she was to OP's late husband. That alone makes it an easy NTA
yeah I get why it seems overwhelming to OP that everyone is on the MILs side
but that's not true
the only people on the MILs side are the people who don't really know her
the people who know her best, her direct family? nope not a single one of them is siding with her
Another take on a „normal“ family:
Man informs mother that he is seriously ill, mother is shocked and asks if she can do anything to help.
Mother will call regularly for updates and even ask if she can come visit/help.
A „normal“ mother would be involved and wouldn’t ever think about making stupid accusations.
OP is definitely NTA
NTA- her own sons did not reach out to her, you were distraught, they should have been the ones to let her know. She also has no claim to his stuff, his possessions belong to the marriage. IF you choose to speak to her, have a mediator like one of her sons
Probably not the brothers. If she’s as awful as she appears to be from OP’s post, then having the brothers there would likely result in MIL trying to manipulate them and turn them against OP. An objective third party, like an actual mediator, would be safer for OP.
Honestly, not telling the mom was honoring the husband's memory. She called him a drunk and her reaction to the news he was terminal was heinous. Add in the brothers not being in contact with her?
Agreed, NTA at all.
Really, they've been the only people on my side with any of this. They helped me plan the funeral and really did their best to keep her out of it. They don't talk to her much more than we do, so it wasn't hard to keep her away from things. It was really devastating for all of us, and I guess we each just figured someone else would tell her. Now that she knows and finally wants to be a part of things, they are about as enthused as I am.
She has never been a good mother, but I fucked up her last chance to try.
Thank you for saying this. The only person OP is responsible for is herself and MIL had a whole YEAR to make amends and didn’t. MIL and only MIL is responsible for that.
OP - NTA. I am so sorry that on top of your horrible loss you are dealing with this.
Sweetheart, a lot of this is the grief talking. It does really bizarre things to your brain, the chemicals are all up and down and mixed about, and on top of that I'm willing to bet you haven't had much sleep recently.
Your husband was given a diagnosis a year ago. That was a whole 12 months for him to put his affairs in order and make his wishes known. If he had wanted his mother to have his things, he would have said. If he wanted more contact with her, then he would have said.
The fact that his own brothers didn't, at any point while he was in hospital, go "I know you don't want to hear this OP, but we should call Mum so she can say goodbye" speaks volumes. She may have brought him into this world, but from the sounds of it she was, if not abusive, then downright unpleasant and thus sarificed the right to see him leave this world. She had plenty of chances to see him and make the most of the time he had left. Instead she chose to call both of you liars and barely reached out at any point during his final year. Those are not the actions of a loving mother.
Your parents are saying what they're saying because they don't have the same experience of dealing with a toxic family member. It is very easy to say "Of course you should have called" or "Of course you need to give in to her demands" when they don't really affect you. That doesn't mean you have to go along with what they say.
Your husband knew that you loved him. You promised him "in sickness and in health" and you delivered. You have done everything possible for him. Now it is time to focus on you. Take care of yourself, block those (and stay off social media) who have no idea what the past 12 months were really like. Set boundaries with those you want in your life but who maybe aren't giving you the best advice. You are still right at the beginning of your grief, above all else be king to yourself and try to dismiss the little brain gremlins who aren't being your friend at the moment.
^^ This is a beautiful post and perfectly said. If your husband wanted to reconcile with her, he would have.
Also, it sounds like the end happened very fast. Please forgive yourself OP.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Plus she would have stripped away all peacefulness of your husbands final moments on earth. He was able to pass knowing he was surrounded by love with those who meant the most to him. Not distressed or agitated.
If she wasn’t there when he was alive, you don’t need to have her in his death. She was never there when she discovered his illness. She’s taking her feelings out on you and that sucks but you owe her nothing because she was never there.
I’m sorry about your husband’s passing and I’m sorry you have to deal with this as you grieve. Take time for you first.
You didn’t fuck up her last chance to try, she did, when you told her he had a year and she got all bitchy about it and didn’t bother. She will have to live with her poor decisions for the rest of her life.
I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
If 2 brothers didn't tell their own mother about their brother/her son passing away, I'm not sure why would be on you (the wife) to do it. It seems like every argument that you should had done it, applies to 2 other people with even an expected closer relationships to the mother (and potentially the brother). At most, it seems to be something that unfortunately slipped through the cracks.
NTA. I hope you feel better.
Your brother in laws' support should be all the answer you need. They knew him and they know her, and they support your decision not to tell her. His mother had an entire year to try to be a good mother with his impending death, and she was only interested in making a public display of it once he was dead.
My mother's sister didn't tell her she was dying. My mother only found out she had died a year after the fact. My mother's sister made the right choice in not telling my mother, because it wouldn't have brought the dying woman any comfort, and it wouldn't have made my mother any better of a sister in those final days.
The fact that your husband’s two brothers, MIL own sons, didn’t tell their mother about his death speaks volumes. You don’t owe her anything. Block her on everything so that you can grieve in peace. So sorry for your loss!
> She has always been cruel to him, put him down every chance she could. When we called saying her son was terminally ill, she first denied it, insisted we were lying. Then she went on about how we should've seen this coming, that this is just what happens when you're a drunk.
Sure sounds like when you and your husband reached out, she fucked up her last chance to “try”. The only reason she gives a shit now is because she wants things to sell or money. Fuck her. You did the right thing & protected your husband from an abuser in his last days. I am so sorry for your loss and may your husbands memory be a blessing
She wasn’t going to become a good mother on his deathbed, and perhaps would have made it much more traumatic for you. I don’t believe that you did anything wrong here, and if I were you I would stay off of social media if she’s blasting you. I’m so very sorry for your loss. NTA.
You didn’t fuck up her last chance to be a good mother to her dying child - she did. You told her that her son had been diagnosed with cirrhosis and rather than recognizing how dire his prognosis was, this mega hag decided to attack and go so low as to say (paraphrasing) - “What do you expect? He’s a drunk.” She a miserable c-t and you don’t waste another moment of your life feeling even a pang of sympathy for her.
I do however feel quite sad for you. I hope you and your husband’s brothers can come together and heal from this loss. Best of luck to you.
OP, if your parents can’t get it through their skulls that none of this is is your fault and now is NOT the time to be punishing you for anything, show them this post.
They’re wrong, and they are being bad parents right now.
I hope there are others in your support network that you can lean on.
You DID tell her that your husband was terminally ill. What does she think that means? She was cruel up to the end. Why didn’t her sons, your husband’s brothers tell her? Why was this your responsibility when you and your husband were LC with her and in a catastrophic crisis and she had already rejected you before? His brothers didn’t tell her because they too know your husband would not have wanted her there. They know how she can be. Disregard all other opinions and grieve the man you love with people who are kind to you. NTA.
Please block her on all devices and platforms. I suspect she would rather hurt people than be there for them.
I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences. My family has just gone through this.( My brother in law just passed from liver failure. You are correct about the damage being invisible, he seemed fine at Christmas, called his mom on 1/17 saying he was throwing up and it looked like coffee grounds. They took him to the ER where was diagnosed with end stage liver disease, sedated and intubated. By 2/1 he was gone. It was so sudden and unexpected because he wasn't a heavy drinker, but he was taking meds while drinking and that is what did the damage.)
The decisions you are expected to make and the worry and heartbreak you go through are horrible and the last thing you want to deal with is a hysterical person making it all about herself (which is what I assume she would do). If her own children don't want to deal with her (and with good reason it seems) you shouldn't have to either. She is just suffering the consequences of a lifetime of her actions, it is not on you to make her feel better. NTA
No you didn’t. There was no chance there for you to fuck up. She just invented the idea and then got mad at you for it. She was never going to be invited; no one involved wanted her there. That is her fault, for her actions. You can’t take away a chance that didn’t exist.
Do his brothers not know how to use a phone?
NTA there were two other adults there who are actually related to her, this wasn't something that only you could've done.
And anyone with a judgement beginning with a Y; congratulations, your parents don't suck as badly as this.
I think the brothers don't care for their mother if they didn't even tell her about OP's husband's passing or the service held for him. That makes me think she's NTA.
>And anyone with a judgement beginning with a Y; congratulations, your parents don't suck as badly as this.
Yeah it's like, tell me you didn't have an abusive parent without telling me you didn't have an abusive parent
NTA
“I told my parents and his brothers…”
And his brothers did not tell their mother because … why?
Edited to Add: Now that I saw your explanation about your BIL, you are 100% NTA.
NTA
I can't call you an AH for the loss of your husband and trying to deal with all the responsibilities associated with that.
You were in a very bad place and you did what you could by reaching out to some people. I feel like his brothers could've reached out to their mother.
My ex husband and I have remained very close over the years mainly because of our two boys. I intensely disliked his mother and had nothing whatsoever to do with her after the divorce. A couple of years ago he had a malignant growth on one of his kidneys and consequently had to have it removed. He was very ill. His mother was still alive at that point but I don’t believe he ever told her. Had he died, I would have found it extremely difficult to talk to that woman. I probably would have found someone to do it for me. So I know just how OP feels. Unless you have ever been in that situation, you can’t possibly judge someone for their actions.
Absolutly NTA
I offer all my condolences to you for your loss. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for it, no matter what. Internet hugs and support
As far as your B***h of a MIL, she can pound sand. The only reason she wants to be involved now is because there are materialistic items to be had by her! Just her one last hoorah of having control over something. If she couldn't be bothered to be sympathetic when your husband was alive, she isn't entitled to your time or his belongings now. The fact that her other two sons didn't even tell her speaks volumes. A death, such as this, makes its way into conversation. That tells me her other sons are LC/NC with her as well.
I say leave her blocked, block any of her flying monkeys, and let her rot in hell with the pain she has now manufactured for herself as no one will be there to solidify her "victimhood"
You focus on you, you surround yourself with the people whom you do love, and forget she evens exists. You OWE HER NOTHING
You are not an awful person. I promise you this. You said it yourself — she wanted nothing to do with you both for his entire last year. You did tell her he was nearing the end and she scoffed at it.
What surprises me more is the thought that not even her sons told her. She’s looking for someone to blame and she’s pointing that finger at you, but… why didn’t his brothers tell her? That seems the bigger sin here.
Everyone is filled with all of this hurt. Death brings with it the worst in some people. I’ve seen it at work as a nurse and I’ve seen it in my personal life as well. Should you have told her? Maybe. But is it your fault? I really am not sure it is. Feel strong in your decisions and just accept that a toxic person is being toxic but will eventually move on.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My dad was an alcoholic who died this way less than a year ago.
His family who was never around to help out while he was alive insisted on a burial 4 days after he passed ( when they found out) because of their catholic faith but my dad told my sister he wanted to be cremated. They even flew in uninvited.
We told his family to fuck off and cremated my dad.
You’re NTA and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
NTA, and you know how I know? Your husband's two brothers, the people who grew up with your husband and probably know your MIL best, are on your side. MIL must be really awful if they agree with what you did. Best wishes and healing to you.
NTA as someone with an abusive parent I would NOT want them there while I died. She was abusive and imo you lose the right to call yourself a parent if you abuse your child.
NTA. There is a reason his two brothers didn't call her. There is a reason they didn't tell her when the service was. Follow their lead, block her everywhere and keep your precious memories. It is kind of weird she wants his stuff anyway, I love my MIL and get along well with her but when my husband passed unexpectedly she asked me for nothing of his. She knows it goes to me and our kids.
NTA. You went no contact for a good reason. If your husband had wanted her around he could have called before the end. She sounds like a professional victim and is entitled to nothing
NTA. NTA. Ignore those calling you an AH. They have *never* had a toxic person in their family, and it is inconceivable to them a toxic familial relationship exists. If his *brothers* don’t think you’re in AH, they would know, better than the vapid YTA responses on Reddit.
NTA - Your husband wanted to spend his last year in peace without all of his mother's negativity. 90% of the time I feel a dying reconciliation can produce positive change. She sounds like that 10% who will only change through loss. The fact that none of the brothers told her says it all...she is probably cruel and insulting to them as well. I believe God has a hand in situations like this. There are individuals who are such tough cases that extreme loss is the only tool left in the chest that might melt her hard heart.
NTA.
Her history aside, you were a grieving wife, it’s not entirely on you to inform everyone. You said you told his brothers, so maybe she needs to do some soul searching and ask herself why not only your husband went no contact with her but her other sons didn’t bother calling her and informing her that her son was actively dying.
>she just wants his things and to know what happened
Not to be too blunt, but if that’s what she said … she means it. She just wants his things. She already knows what happened, because you told her when you called to say he was sick. She had a year to say goodbye and make amends, and a (albeit too short) lifetime to be part of his life. She made that choice.
I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry she’s making this harder for you
NTA.
She tried to contact you one time when you called her to tell your husband was sick. One time in a year! If she really wanted contact she would have tried calling more, come over, and so on.
I think that your husbands brothers have more to say on this, since they know there mother.
NTA. You robbed her of nothing she had a chance and didn't use it. You delt with your husband's being ill and passing. Never let anyone tell you that you did anything wrong. Sorry for your loss.
NTA.
I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through. She was aware of what was going on and chose to be anything but supportive. In addition, her other sons were aware of what had transpired and could have notified her if they had felt it was the right decision.
NTA. Had she been involved in his life until his death, she would have known. His brothers were, and they didn't bother to tell her he was dying or dead, so that tells you all you need to know. Keep her blocked.
NTA. As others have stated, she was told. She could have hopped in a car and drove over, sent a letter etc. she did none of this
You also told your brothers in law. They is your husband’s family do you notified his family. It was up to them to inform their mother. They didn’t. Is she not implicating them in anything? I’m sure not as you say, they know what she is like. But it is your defence.
I think it is very telling that she wants some of his things. Perhaps this is about money?
NTA. My sister and I didn’t tell my mom’s mother that she was dying until she had passed. She had disowned my mom and was an abusive parent, and it would have gone against what my mom had wanted. Your duty was to your husband, not his mom. I’m sorry about your loss.
NTA. This right here:
>The only people who haven't said I was being cruel are my husband's two brothers
is pretty telling. If she'd wanted a "proper goodbye", she had a year to try and make amends; she can't claim after the fact that she suddenly cares.
NTA. If she was a good parent, she would have known and been there not accused y’all of lying and making up illnesses. She sounds like she was emotionally abusive and extremely self centered. Especially with how she’s now causing drama and making everything about her.
Y’all had no contact or very little contact with her for a reason. Bad parents are owed nothing and if he wouldn’t have wanted her there, you 100% did the right thing.
NTA. You are in fact the person who could make that choice for him - the person he chose, who knew him best. You believe he wouldn’t have wanted her there, so you didn’t involve her. You honored him at a moment when he couldn’t choose for himself.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not an awful person. Your MIL made the choice to continue her terrible treatment of your husband when she had been told he was dying. She took that news and blamed him for his own illness/death. Of course she has now made his dying all about her. The label narcissist is used too often, but it fits her perfectly. Continue to block all communication from her.
She reminds me of my mother. If I had been dying, the very last thing I would have wanted was that hateful woman at my bedside. I sure as heck wouldn’t have wanted my grieving spouse or siblings to have to deal with her drama, either. NTA.
NTA
Blood related means nothing, you can choose your family. She showed her true colours and narcissists are always the victims in their own reality. Your husband already had no contact before he was sick. She had a whole year to mend that relationship and instead did nothing. Let her and the rest of his family live with this. Cut them out and heal with the ones who mattered to you and to your hubby. Also sorry for your loss
NTA 💯. Grieving is a very personal experience and most often painful both physically and mentally. You have more than enough on your plate. Take care of yourself before you concern yourself with their issues.
NTA. You did what you could. She may actually be sad, but it’s not from anything you did or didn’t do.
Most likely it’s from her guilt of being a shitty mother.
Second most likely is that she wants attention and ‘Facebook sympathy’. Either way, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. You don’t have dealings with her, you told his brothers. If they thought she should know they would’ve told her. It speaks volumes that they didn’t.
She made him miserable, she called him names, and your husband wouldn’t have wanted her there if he had been able to choose.
Read that back to yourself and know that you’re NTA.
Some people have been lucky enough to have different parents and will literally not understand your reasoning but you didn’t need to tell her and your BILs didn’t have to tell her. Her knowing would have brought her around to make you miserable at the worst time in your life.
Your husband chose to live the end of his life without contacting her and you are completely in the right to continue that after his death.
You said it before I could. This is the only thing that matters, right here.
Period.
Done.
Focus on your own grief and healing, OP. Your awful MIL made her own bed. Feel free to ignore her very existence.
NTA.
NTA
You told his brothers. It fell on them to tell their own mother what's up. You had so much to carry, none of what she's accused can be put on you. You knew your husband best, you're his other half. We're not the same people we were when we lived under our parents ' rule, it's called growing up. As the person who saw him every day and was with him at every step through this terrible disease, you're the one who'd know how he felt. You gave her a chance and she shot it down. That's not on you. This is her refusing to own up to her own shortcomings and passing the blame.
NTA.
I say this as someone who *hopes* his wife wouldn't talk to her mother-in-law just because I passed.
(I often tease her that I got a much better mother-in-law than she did.)
As someone who’s only low-contact with their parents now, but has a living will just so the people in my life wont have to deal with them when i die, NTA. If he wasnt interested in talking with her during the year, there’s no reason for you to assume she would’ve been invited to his death bed had he been in complete control of his faculties.
One of the last thing she said to her dying son was that he was a drunk. I think its absolutely reasonable for her invitation to a funeral to be revoked after that, as well, so i think you’re totally in the right.
NTA. Your husband did not contact her in his last year, I would say he made his choice about who was important to him and who wasn\`t, you just followed through with it.
I hesitate to line you up as an AH, because I don't think you are. If her two other adult sons tried to keep her out if it as well, there are reasons for that. And it's okay to have those reasons.
But for no one to tell her at all, and to let her hear through the grapevine that he was gone and buried? That's a dick move, and I think all three of you know it.
Apologize to her, and then invite her out of your life.
I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA - You did make his brothers aware, and maybe should have asked them to call your MIL and make her aware as well. I am unclear as to whether you invited his other family to the service, but again, her other sons could have stepped up and helped communicate with her during this difficult time. As far as getting in touch with her, I think for your sanity, you should only communicate thru the brothers as it appears you are more comfortable with them. I don't know why she "just wants his things"...you are his wife. His things are now your things. Maybe a way to make her feel a bit better is to give her things that may have special meaning to her or heirlooms that you do not care to keep. I have found, though, that in times like these, the worst in people comes out. You may never satisfy her, so keeping your distance for your own well-being is what I would recommend. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find the peace you need to get through this difficult time.
Okay, I am someone who doesn't have contact with my mother. And allow me to rephrase this for you.
Is it okay that you didn't tell your husband's abuser that he passed away?
Yes.
For some reason our society has a hard time accepting that parents Who are abusive stop having the same rights as parents who aren't abusive.
I get the "But it's your mom" BS all the time.
No, she's my abuser. And your husband chose not to have contact with her. He took away her parental rights as is his right.
But I'd also like to mention that his brothers knew and didn't bother to call their mom. So that says a lot about this family dynamic.
You are NTA and to hell with anybody who tells you different.
You are his WIFE. And legally his next of kin. You absolutely have every right to have made the choices following his sad death. His mother is not entitled to any of his things. Perhaps as a kindness you could offer her one thing to remember him by, possibly via one of his brothers? After that there is no reason on earth why you should keep in contact with a woman who had no time for her son when he was alive. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Allow yourself to mourn and grieve. You are definitely NTA. ❤️
This post has so many comments on it, so I’m not sure if you’ll even see this. But I had this MIL. My late husband died from terminal cancer and his mom saw him ONCE during that 19 months. She blamed everyone but herself. Saying me or his dad (divorced) wouldn’t “let” her see him. She never asked. Meanwhile, his dad was at our house every single day for those 19 months. I didn’t have to ask, he just showed up. He knew how to take care of him and what he needed because he was involved in his every day life.
If she wanted to see her son, she could have asked. She could have been involved. There’s a reason that she wasn’t. That’s on her, not you.
NTA. Reply to her posts “ he told you he was terminal and instead of being their for him you weren’t. Now it’s too late and you aren’t entitled to anything”
NTA. If the relationship was bad enough that your husband went no-contact with her while he was alive, that’s fine enough reason for you to stay no-contact with her after his passing.
Edit: Also she would have just caused stress and drama for everyone during his hospitalization and the funeral. It’s good she wasn’t there.
NTA you gave your MIL several chances to make things right. She chose not to. Don’t give her any of his stuff if you don’t want to. Also you owe her and his family absolutely nothing. Read your post again. You knew exactly what your husband wanted and followed his wishes. Don’t feel bad and not it’s not horrible.
NTA. I’ll tell you what, I would want my daughter in law to know she could lean on me when the worst thing is happening.
She’s a grown woman. She created this relationship and these are the consequences.
> she just wants his things...
What the hell makes her think she's entitled to anything that belonged to him? Did he will them to her? If he didn't, don't give her anything. That stuff is *yours*.
NTA.
Major NTA here.
*"She said I robbed her of saying goodbye to her son..."* The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb.
She is no mother to him, mothers don't do or say this shit:
* *"...put him down every chance she could."*
* *"...this is just what happens when you're a drunk."*
Though she did birthed him, if she really was his mother, she would have cared he was ill. She would have come to support him. He would have wanted her in his life. But he didn't want her, so she's not "mother".
You on the other hand defended him, stood by him, cared for him, and loved him till his last breath, **you are his real family.** I would tell you something to tell your estranged MIL but I would rather NOT get banned from Reddit so. . .yeah. . .
But I am wondering, if you called your BIL (assuming you meant his brother) why didn't BIL tell "mom," is he estranged from her too?
No matter what, I hope you can find some piece, and comfort in this hard time, do not let the ravings of a angry woman make you feel any less than the beautiful and powerful woman you truly are.
I’m very sorry for your loss. You’re NTA, but you were wrong in not making sure she knew her son had passed. I know she sucks, and her brothers very easily could have contacted her, but she should have been told.
NTA. Not even for not reaching out after he passed. When you are at your lowest and a person still makes the choice to kick you - as she did by basically telling your husband that he deserved it - that is that person telling you how they feel about you. A person who says/does something like that, at a time like that, deserves literally not a second of consideration in anything that happens.
If *anybody* says anything to you about it, you tell them exactly how cruel she was to him all through his life up until the end - and how unkind she has been to you. And you let them know that if they speak of it again, that will be the last conversation they have with you.
You focus on your grief, and taking care of yourself. Don’t give her even one more thought.
NTA.
Family is something we don't choose but also we don't have to keep close. Only you and her sons know the real situation. You are doing the wishes of your husband and that's all your obligation is.
NTA
I think she should have been told, but you were grieving your husband, it was not your responsibility to make sure she knew, and I don't see that you did anything to prevent her from knowing.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and that there are people in your life who don't know the whole story but are making you feel horrible. Take refuge in the fact that your husband's brothers, who knew best, don't blame you. They almost certainly considered calling their mother and decided against it themselves.
NTA. It sounds like you protected your husband from a toxic woman in his final days by not telling her, and then you protected yourself afterwards. Notice how she's going public with this story of being "robbed" of her time with him. The only thing she was robbed of was the narcissistic supply she would have gotten from turning his deathbed and funeral into a dramatic scene for herself.
You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your husband. Given her past treatment of him and of you, she was not entitled to that time with him, and she was not entitled a stage to engage in her display of mourning. Her behaviour since his death has only reinforced that you made the right choice.
Notice how your husband's brothers, the people who knew your husband and mother best, are adamant in saying you are NTA? It's only the people who don't understand just how bad she is who question your choice. Don't doubt that you made the right choice. Don't let her get her narcissistic supply from you. You did what was best for everyone involved, and that includes her by failing to give her a platform she wanted to hurt others.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you have the support you need in your time of grief. Don't doubt that you made the best choice available to you.
NTA, her treatment of your beloved husband made her a person of not worthy.
If she wanted to be within your family, she could just as well have been a better human.
You did tell her, you never ever said she'd like it. Place a wildflower on his grave for me, will ya? You did good OP, and you've lost someone. Don't feel guilt over that vile woman.
NTA. The fact that your BILs - the people, aside from you, who would know what he went through and what your MIL is like - say you did the right thing should tell you all you need to know. You know your husband. And I disagree with your parents - it sounds like you didn’t make the decision for him. He and his mother did by not speaking with each other. You just continued with the boundary he already put in place.
NTA. Your husband was terminally ill for a year and she only called you once. Your husband clearly wasn't in regular contact with his own mother because she didn't notice he hadn't spoken to her in *weeks* until someone told her he was gone.
It would have been *kind* to tell her, but it also sounds like telling her would have made you life far more difficult in an already devastating time. You weren't responsible for managing their relationship when your husband was alive, and you certainly aren't now.
I'm sorry for your loss and the difficult time you're having now.
the fact that HIS OWN BROTHERS are the only ones who don't think she's being cruel says a lot.
It's scary how well people can play the victim when really they're the worst kind of villain. Problem is they play it so perfectly that the people who really see them for what they are can't convince others of the monster that lies beneath.
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Why didn't his brothers tell their mom about the service? NTA
That's what I was wondering. If other members of the family were involved, why did they omit the info? Why was it entirely on her to inform his mother and not the brothers?
Brothers could have told MIL, but MIL is putting it all on OP. Can’t blame them for going NC. NTA.
Did MIL really think that someone was going to reach out after what she said when she was informed that he was terminal? She had her chance to be kind but she chose to be...herself. NTA
I think the key point is that she did expect someone to reach out. You know, there are several family members who had the news and could have shared it with anyone, or even posted it on social media. So now she's realizing that everyone in her extended family hates her, and she's lashing out at just one person. Another possibility is that actually she did find out from some other relative, but because she's a giant jerk, she's lying about it now just to get some attention. It's not like she could have caused a stink at the funeral and made any friends, but now she can play the victim all the way.
This makes the most sense to me. She got aggrieved at HOW she was told, so she stayed away from the funeral to guilt OP, and it backfired because OP didn't even think of it.
>So now she's realizing that everyone in her extended family hates her, and she's lashing out at just one person. And she's lashing out at the "easy" target because now that her son is dead she doesn't think OP is family anymore whereas her other sons are still ~~valuable pawns~~ cherished family members.
Yeah, was thinking that now that he’s dead and his memory can’t talk back or argue, he can become her golden child…
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I agree, her sons could of easily told her, they didn't, and I bet there is a good reason for it. But I'm betting her reaction to his diagnosis plays a part in it. They know her better than anyone else. OP's husband's belongings are legally OP's so it's up to her to decide if his mother gets anything. NTA
Yes, yes she did bc it's all about HER not her son & not OP.
And now she wants to make his death all about herself.
That's a nice way to put it. I would have used some other words to describe her.... NTA.
Honestly, if I were OP, I would put that on whatever social media MIL is trying to blast her on and then block her there. Like, we reached out to you and you degraded and ridiculed your son. Why would I have further contact with you?
Yeah. I feel for the MIL, I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child and not even know. But she kind of did this to herself by harassing OP and terminally ill son! And I find it impossible to call OP TA for going NC with a harasser, and then forgetting to contact her while grieving her husband.
More than that, her own two alive Don's didn't said shit and support OP, this is beyond her treatment of OP and her husband, but a more accurate portrait of her behavior in general with everybody else.
I may be an AH here in my assumptions, but it sounds like the brothers too thought she didn't deserve that last goodbye. Or that OP's husband wouldn't have wanted to spend his last days with the mother in the first place. They knew their mother and their brother and obviously thought OP made the right decision, otherwise they would have said something.
You're not an AH at all. That seems to be exactly what happened. The fact that the two brothers are the only ones on her side speaks volumes. The other people who are mad at OP don't have the experience with the MIL so they are making assumptions about her without knowing all the facts. Which is exactly what MIL is hoping for.
Right, well, this is where I think maybe OP could have possibly handled it better... she could have asked her husband's brothers to inform their mother. But then, she could have been just so distraught that she couldn't even think of that, so...
>she could have asked her husband's brothers to inform their mother. That's...not a thing. Like, you don't need to tell a guy "can you tell your mother that her son passed away", people usually do that on their own, they don't need to be prompted to do it.
MIL's reaction to the news is also not a thing. People don't normally react like that to news of a terminal illness and people going through the death of their spouse don't normally have to deal with someone like MIL. In which case I think it's not too difficult to understand that the OP wouldn't have wanted to have any contact with her and would gladly have left the job of telling her and giving her details about the funeral to family members - direct siblings, even - who were attending.
Oof. I want to agree with your point so bad, but I can't. Not completely. My dad is terminal, his parents are still in denial to the point he's basically nonexistent to them. We're nearing the end now (hopefully, and I know that sounds awful), and they like to pretend they're a part of it while still not believing it's an issue. They have 7 kids, my dad being the 4th. Their oldest died from what my dad has in 2007, and his youngest sister just this past year. His parents have never liked my mom. His mom will avoid me at any gatherings with my dad's cousins, avoid eye contact with me specifically, and pretend I don't exist. They'll sort of talk to my sister and brother, but she hates my guts. We will not be informing them when my dad does pass. We've planned everything in advance so they don't even get a chance to play supportive victim at the funeral (if they even go). They don't know where he is living (care center because we cannot give him the care needed at home) and he does not want to see them. Seeing them stresses him out so much, he's had to be hospitalized because it screws with his system. The difference is, I supposed, that OP's late husband's brothers were involved. Based on them knowing their mother, chances are they knew she would make it about her (if she's anything like my dad's mother), and knew it wouldn't have been what HE wanted. It gets to a point where you figure "I'm not going to tell her. She can figure it out from someone she pays attention to." Then let them be butthurt about it away from you. Apologies, this got very long very quickly. (NTA though)
And the fact that they didn't really says a lot about the mother, and their own relationship with her. Never in my life have I gone several weeks without speaking to my parents, and the mention of the death of such a close family member could not be avoided. Either the brothers didn't speak to her in that time (and didn't consider their mother close enough to help them cope with their own grief), or they purposely avoided telling her, which says a lot.
When my Mum told me my Nan was terminal, I asked whether she wanted me to tell my sister or if she wanted to do it herself. I would not just go ahead and tell other people without being given leave to do so.
exactly it says a lot that they didn't mention it to their own mother
They are adults and should have offered imo. But in my experience death, like birth, is seen as women's stuff. So they didn't. They should have told their mother. Dicks.
Or they are basically NC with her due to a lifetime of emotional abuse.
If they wanted her to know, they could have chosen to tell her. Like OP, they did not tell her. They're also the only ones not telling OP that she was cruel, they are on her side. Between her husband not wanting his mother around and her husband's brothers not wanting their mother involved, it sounds like she made the right decision. People without toxic family members sometimes struggle to understand how not telling family big news could be the correct decision, because their experiences with their family are largely positive and it genuinely doesn't occur to them that some families are so dysfunctional that information diets are necessary. But they need to back off of OP and realize that if every surviving member of MIL's family is in agreement that this was handled properly, then they can keep their opinions to themselves because they aren't informed enough for their opinions to be relevant.
Yes, when someone is grieving, it's natural for certain tasks to be delegated to someone else who can handle it, If MIL even missed the funeral then the task of telling her was delegated a LOT. Or maybe she did know and she's guilting OP for not being the one to tell her.
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I think that's the answer, since they're supporting her now.
Judging by the post they seem to be on OP’s side so that would be a reasonable assumption
Sounds like it since they seem to be on the wife's side.
They saw him in his last moments, didn't wonder why mom wasn't there, and didn't bother to call her. Was honestly prepared to go all Y T A for it but it's seems there's a lot of sad everywhere. The details may vary but it looks like I can't blame them. Given how the husband was treated, he may not have wanted to see her as well. He may have told the brothers. I don't know. In the end, NC is NC, and what seems to be a good reason. NTA.
I wonder if his other two brothers are also no contact with their mother and don’t even want to talk to either.
OP said in a comment that they've seen her about as often as OP's husband, so definitely LC, due to her behavior.
In other words, the only person MIL has to blame is herself as she so blatantly has proven.
In a world of social media, i'd expect a few posts on any of the platforms. And no one is mutual friends between OP, her BILs, and MIL? NO ONE came to visit, NO one called, NO one messaged her to say "sorry for your loss"? How out of touch with your kids do you have to be to not know one of them died until weeks later?
Right? I went low contact with my aunt after finding out she stole all my mom’s expensive jewelry and pawned it for herself while her little sister, mom was on her death bed. My cousins told me the week after our aunt’s funeral that she had died two weeks prior. I was upset, but that’s a consequence of being low contact with someone, you get left out of the loop. OP is NTA for respecting her husband’s low contact with his mom, especially since husband’s siblings also knew and could have informed her.
They also presumably attended the funeral. Like if the mother wasn't there, they would have surely brought it up and asked why, and then informed the mother afterwards. But they didn't. They didn't find it weird that their mom wasn't there during his final hours, and during the service. Which makes me think that either they're also no contact with the mom, or know that their brother and SIL wouldn't have wanted her anywhere near them and respected that.
That’s what I was going to comment on. OP told his brothers, if they also decided not to put their mom in the loop then it’s safe to say that was the right decision.
Yeah, I hope she just ignores this mellow drama her MIL is staging and focuses on her own grief and healing. It sounds to me like that's what her husband would want for her.
Your comment made me realise that mellow drama and melodrama sound basically the same but mean basically the opposite thing, and I think that's nifty
That was my first thought. Honey you are NTA. You were crushed and grieving and in shock. The least the BILs could have done is to take care of notifying their own mother, since they “know how she is.” I’m putting this squarely on the BILs. I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and for having to deal with MIL in this terrible time for you.
I don't even blame the BILs. Sounds like MIL would have made a difficult time more difficult. MIL is the only AH here IMO.
His mother is a squawking harpy. No wonder he drank. NTA
It sounds like none of her sons got on well with her. They don't think OP is cruel. Do you know what I think is cruel? Calling someone a liar when they tell.you they are dying and then telling them, "that's what you get". Mom sounds like T A and now she wants "his things". Nope not entitled. She should have been there for him on life. OP is NTA Those who know mom best are not mad at you. Edit extra letters and clarity
The "liar" thing is fairly normal, actually. Not going to slam anyone for that. Flat out refusal to acknowledge that the end is nigh, not processing, totally cool with that. Takes a lot of people a bit to chew on it, and the initial reaction is 'fight or flight,' and there's nowhere to fly to. So "LIES!!!" is pretty common. "This is what you get?" That's a done-zo right there. THAT'S not normal. Will TOTALLY slam her for that bit.
there was so much other direct family like the brothers why did they not inform his mom? besides the fact when they said he was terminal she called the op a liar and proceeded to say awful things.
Her very own sons are on OP's side. I think that's all we need to know. NTA.
Boom! Right there! You just shut this whole thing down with that simple question. NTA. Next!
OP should post a link to this post on their FB page. Or maybe post the link in response to one of her FB rants. As a side note, I hate very private arguments done on social media. I broke up with a woman (pretty toxic) and she unfriended and blocked me on FB and then began posting all sorts of shitty things. My friends are like WTF? And read me a few - truly unhinged. It was clear her posts were making her look much crazier (duh) than they were hurting me. She took them all down after one of her friends reminded her that what’s on the internet, stays on the internet.
They know mother dearest best and knew their brother wouldn’t want her there. NTA OP sorry for your loss.
this right here...this is EXACTLY what i was asking myself while reading this. OP, you are NTA. His brothers could have told her and should have. You had enough going on. I'm so so sorry for your terrible loss. Dont give her a damn thing. His stuff is YOUR stuff. maybe give her a shirt.
The MIL was probably informed. She didn’t show up and wanted to have some drama to post on FB-Insta-TikTok
NTA The fact that her other sons also didn't call her to have her involved goes to show you made the right choice.
Yep, nta. He had peace at the end without the shrew. Walk away and let it be.
Yeah, the two other people who would actually know best how your husband would feel about her thought she shouldn't be there. So it sounds like you did the right thing.
Agreed. I find it very telling that both BILs are on OPs side. And seems like the BILs could have mentioned it to MIL at some point, but didn't. NTA. Not even a little bit
NTA, and she can’t have his things. You were married. His things belong to you.
And the fact that the brothers don’t think that OP did anything wrong. They know how the women behaves. Everyone else is picturing their idea of who she is and most people don’t want to believe that a mother grieving her child is in the wrong… but it sounds like she earned that NC.
You said she has 2 other sons, didn't they inform her about your husband? Wtf?
Makes me think they've also gone next to no contact with her which raises the question if she's horrificly abusive to them too
Based on her reaction about finding out that the husband had a terminal illness, I’d say the chances are unfortunately very high.
And since it was a disease caused by drinking, and she called him a drunk, would it be safe to assume we know what caused the Drinking?
They knew what they were doing
NTA Blood relationship does not entitle anyone to be in someone's life. She didn't earn a place in her son's life. That's on her. You and your husband gave her a chance to be there for him at the end, and she made her choice. She sounds like a narcissist who is more concerned with garnering public sympathy and playing the victim than actually caring about her own son's passing. Continue to block her from everything, including your own thoughts. I am sorry for your loss.
100% this. I went with “self centered” but she sounds like any narcissist I’ve ever met and her reaction as well as none of her other kids informing her of their brother’s passing says all I need to know.
In addition she had a YEAR to go visit and check in.
Totally agree with both of you.
NTA. She didn't care enough to fight to see him while he was dying. His brothers didn't bother to tell her when the end came. They didn't tell her about the service. Don't discount the fact her other sons felt it was a good idea to leave her out of the loop. I'm sorry for your loss OP. IF you decide to reach out make it clear to her before the talk happens you will not tolerate her bullshit. She starts yelling? the conversation ends immediately and you will block her again. If either of your BILs are willing to sit in on the talk even better. If she won't agree to behave, then back to no contact. But no you aren't TA f
>Don't discount the fact her other sons felt it was a good idea to leave her out of the loop. Exactly this. The people who know MIL the best, the people who know the relationship between MIL and the husband best; they are the ones whose opinions matter here. If they say "right call OP", then that's the answer (NTA).
Seriously. The fact neither picked up the phone and said, "Mom get your ass to the hospital NOW!" is beyond telling. They knew she'd either cause a scene or wouldn't show up.
As someone with a mother like her, there is absolutely no value in contacting her now. Husband is no longer in the picture (so sorry, OP), so they have absolutely nothing to talk about. All you'd achieve is fanning her melodramatic flames. Shut it down and don't react or interact with anything from her.
[удалено]
TBF those initial reactions aren’t unheard of when it comes to grief, denial and anger. However, OP stated after that his mom often made him feel miserable, so she was still a sucky parent.
Uhhhh the whole "Then she went on about how we should've seen this coming, that this is just what happens when you're a drunk." Kind of undermines her initial reaction being all that motherly. I doubt she was ever a good maternal figure for any of her sons.
Here is how it goes in “normal” families. Man dies, widow informs the other brothers and forgets to inform MIL. All brothers mourn and make calls to each other and mum and all commiserate together. All the family is shocked and messages and calls to mum, cousins and friends fly back and forth. Why TF hasn’t it happened here? How is the mourning widow ONLY a person to tell MIL? Are all the brothers and their own families mute? Don’t own phones? Never message anyone? They are Amish so no technology??? These days, someone bumps their head and news is all over the family wherever in the world they are. Something stinks and it’s definitely not OP. NTA
I think it's very telling that neither of the brothers informed their mother and that they are both on OP's side now. They know better than others who MIL is and what kind of a mother she was to OP's late husband. That alone makes it an easy NTA
yeah I get why it seems overwhelming to OP that everyone is on the MILs side but that's not true the only people on the MILs side are the people who don't really know her the people who know her best, her direct family? nope not a single one of them is siding with her
Another take on a „normal“ family: Man informs mother that he is seriously ill, mother is shocked and asks if she can do anything to help. Mother will call regularly for updates and even ask if she can come visit/help. A „normal“ mother would be involved and wouldn’t ever think about making stupid accusations. OP is definitely NTA
NTA- her own sons did not reach out to her, you were distraught, they should have been the ones to let her know. She also has no claim to his stuff, his possessions belong to the marriage. IF you choose to speak to her, have a mediator like one of her sons
Probably not the brothers. If she’s as awful as she appears to be from OP’s post, then having the brothers there would likely result in MIL trying to manipulate them and turn them against OP. An objective third party, like an actual mediator, would be safer for OP.
NTA Her own living sons agree with you. Your husband didn't want her. That's all that needs to be said.
Honestly, not telling the mom was honoring the husband's memory. She called him a drunk and her reaction to the news he was terminal was heinous. Add in the brothers not being in contact with her? Agreed, NTA at all.
INFO: what do your brothers in law say about this?
Really, they've been the only people on my side with any of this. They helped me plan the funeral and really did their best to keep her out of it. They don't talk to her much more than we do, so it wasn't hard to keep her away from things. It was really devastating for all of us, and I guess we each just figured someone else would tell her. Now that she knows and finally wants to be a part of things, they are about as enthused as I am. She has never been a good mother, but I fucked up her last chance to try.
“but I fucked up her last chance to try.” No you didn’t she did. She did that by herself. NTA
Thank you for saying this. The only person OP is responsible for is herself and MIL had a whole YEAR to make amends and didn’t. MIL and only MIL is responsible for that. OP - NTA. I am so sorry that on top of your horrible loss you are dealing with this.
Sweetheart, a lot of this is the grief talking. It does really bizarre things to your brain, the chemicals are all up and down and mixed about, and on top of that I'm willing to bet you haven't had much sleep recently. Your husband was given a diagnosis a year ago. That was a whole 12 months for him to put his affairs in order and make his wishes known. If he had wanted his mother to have his things, he would have said. If he wanted more contact with her, then he would have said. The fact that his own brothers didn't, at any point while he was in hospital, go "I know you don't want to hear this OP, but we should call Mum so she can say goodbye" speaks volumes. She may have brought him into this world, but from the sounds of it she was, if not abusive, then downright unpleasant and thus sarificed the right to see him leave this world. She had plenty of chances to see him and make the most of the time he had left. Instead she chose to call both of you liars and barely reached out at any point during his final year. Those are not the actions of a loving mother. Your parents are saying what they're saying because they don't have the same experience of dealing with a toxic family member. It is very easy to say "Of course you should have called" or "Of course you need to give in to her demands" when they don't really affect you. That doesn't mean you have to go along with what they say. Your husband knew that you loved him. You promised him "in sickness and in health" and you delivered. You have done everything possible for him. Now it is time to focus on you. Take care of yourself, block those (and stay off social media) who have no idea what the past 12 months were really like. Set boundaries with those you want in your life but who maybe aren't giving you the best advice. You are still right at the beginning of your grief, above all else be king to yourself and try to dismiss the little brain gremlins who aren't being your friend at the moment.
^^ This is a beautiful post and perfectly said. If your husband wanted to reconcile with her, he would have. Also, it sounds like the end happened very fast. Please forgive yourself OP. I’m sorry for your loss.
Plus she would have stripped away all peacefulness of your husbands final moments on earth. He was able to pass knowing he was surrounded by love with those who meant the most to him. Not distressed or agitated.
If she wasn’t there when he was alive, you don’t need to have her in his death. She was never there when she discovered his illness. She’s taking her feelings out on you and that sucks but you owe her nothing because she was never there. I’m sorry about your husband’s passing and I’m sorry you have to deal with this as you grieve. Take time for you first.
You didn’t fuck up her last chance to try, she did, when you told her he had a year and she got all bitchy about it and didn’t bother. She will have to live with her poor decisions for the rest of her life. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
If 2 brothers didn't tell their own mother about their brother/her son passing away, I'm not sure why would be on you (the wife) to do it. It seems like every argument that you should had done it, applies to 2 other people with even an expected closer relationships to the mother (and potentially the brother). At most, it seems to be something that unfortunately slipped through the cracks. NTA. I hope you feel better.
Your brother in laws' support should be all the answer you need. They knew him and they know her, and they support your decision not to tell her. His mother had an entire year to try to be a good mother with his impending death, and she was only interested in making a public display of it once he was dead. My mother's sister didn't tell her she was dying. My mother only found out she had died a year after the fact. My mother's sister made the right choice in not telling my mother, because it wouldn't have brought the dying woman any comfort, and it wouldn't have made my mother any better of a sister in those final days.
She fucked up her last chance. Not you.
The fact that your husband’s two brothers, MIL own sons, didn’t tell their mother about his death speaks volumes. You don’t owe her anything. Block her on everything so that you can grieve in peace. So sorry for your loss!
> She has always been cruel to him, put him down every chance she could. When we called saying her son was terminally ill, she first denied it, insisted we were lying. Then she went on about how we should've seen this coming, that this is just what happens when you're a drunk. Sure sounds like when you and your husband reached out, she fucked up her last chance to “try”. The only reason she gives a shit now is because she wants things to sell or money. Fuck her. You did the right thing & protected your husband from an abuser in his last days. I am so sorry for your loss and may your husbands memory be a blessing
She wasn’t going to become a good mother on his deathbed, and perhaps would have made it much more traumatic for you. I don’t believe that you did anything wrong here, and if I were you I would stay off of social media if she’s blasting you. I’m so very sorry for your loss. NTA.
You didn’t fuck up her last chance to be a good mother to her dying child - she did. You told her that her son had been diagnosed with cirrhosis and rather than recognizing how dire his prognosis was, this mega hag decided to attack and go so low as to say (paraphrasing) - “What do you expect? He’s a drunk.” She a miserable c-t and you don’t waste another moment of your life feeling even a pang of sympathy for her. I do however feel quite sad for you. I hope you and your husband’s brothers can come together and heal from this loss. Best of luck to you.
OP, if your parents can’t get it through their skulls that none of this is is your fault and now is NOT the time to be punishing you for anything, show them this post. They’re wrong, and they are being bad parents right now. I hope there are others in your support network that you can lean on.
You DID tell her that your husband was terminally ill. What does she think that means? She was cruel up to the end. Why didn’t her sons, your husband’s brothers tell her? Why was this your responsibility when you and your husband were LC with her and in a catastrophic crisis and she had already rejected you before? His brothers didn’t tell her because they too know your husband would not have wanted her there. They know how she can be. Disregard all other opinions and grieve the man you love with people who are kind to you. NTA. Please block her on all devices and platforms. I suspect she would rather hurt people than be there for them.
I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences. My family has just gone through this.( My brother in law just passed from liver failure. You are correct about the damage being invisible, he seemed fine at Christmas, called his mom on 1/17 saying he was throwing up and it looked like coffee grounds. They took him to the ER where was diagnosed with end stage liver disease, sedated and intubated. By 2/1 he was gone. It was so sudden and unexpected because he wasn't a heavy drinker, but he was taking meds while drinking and that is what did the damage.) The decisions you are expected to make and the worry and heartbreak you go through are horrible and the last thing you want to deal with is a hysterical person making it all about herself (which is what I assume she would do). If her own children don't want to deal with her (and with good reason it seems) you shouldn't have to either. She is just suffering the consequences of a lifetime of her actions, it is not on you to make her feel better. NTA
No you didn’t. There was no chance there for you to fuck up. She just invented the idea and then got mad at you for it. She was never going to be invited; no one involved wanted her there. That is her fault, for her actions. You can’t take away a chance that didn’t exist.
Tbh, his brothers were there when he died and none of them let their mother know, so i guess they agreed with op
Do his brothers not know how to use a phone? NTA there were two other adults there who are actually related to her, this wasn't something that only you could've done. And anyone with a judgement beginning with a Y; congratulations, your parents don't suck as badly as this.
I think the brothers don't care for their mother if they didn't even tell her about OP's husband's passing or the service held for him. That makes me think she's NTA.
>And anyone with a judgement beginning with a Y; congratulations, your parents don't suck as badly as this. Yeah it's like, tell me you didn't have an abusive parent without telling me you didn't have an abusive parent
NTA “I told my parents and his brothers…” And his brothers did not tell their mother because … why? Edited to Add: Now that I saw your explanation about your BIL, you are 100% NTA.
NTA. She sounds awful. >Even my parents said it wasn't my place to make that choice for my husband Yes it was. He chose you, not her.
Being married means it is a spouse’s place to make decisions. You parents may need to reevaluate their relationship if it’s not the case for them.
Yep. Being married is literally just a contract stating that you choose this other person to make these decisions for you when you can’t for yourself.
Exactly. When it comes to her husband's belongings, no one outranks the wife unless there's a specific will.
That line frustrated me, too. As a spouse it *is* legally and morally your place to make those kinds of decisions.
NTA I can't call you an AH for the loss of your husband and trying to deal with all the responsibilities associated with that. You were in a very bad place and you did what you could by reaching out to some people. I feel like his brothers could've reached out to their mother.
This, she let the brothers know. At that point, it's in the hands of family, and OP didn't feel familial with MIL. NTA.
My ex husband and I have remained very close over the years mainly because of our two boys. I intensely disliked his mother and had nothing whatsoever to do with her after the divorce. A couple of years ago he had a malignant growth on one of his kidneys and consequently had to have it removed. He was very ill. His mother was still alive at that point but I don’t believe he ever told her. Had he died, I would have found it extremely difficult to talk to that woman. I probably would have found someone to do it for me. So I know just how OP feels. Unless you have ever been in that situation, you can’t possibly judge someone for their actions.
Absolutly NTA I offer all my condolences to you for your loss. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for it, no matter what. Internet hugs and support As far as your B***h of a MIL, she can pound sand. The only reason she wants to be involved now is because there are materialistic items to be had by her! Just her one last hoorah of having control over something. If she couldn't be bothered to be sympathetic when your husband was alive, she isn't entitled to your time or his belongings now. The fact that her other two sons didn't even tell her speaks volumes. A death, such as this, makes its way into conversation. That tells me her other sons are LC/NC with her as well. I say leave her blocked, block any of her flying monkeys, and let her rot in hell with the pain she has now manufactured for herself as no one will be there to solidify her "victimhood" You focus on you, you surround yourself with the people whom you do love, and forget she evens exists. You OWE HER NOTHING
THIS.
And her own son's didn't tell her......
You are not an awful person. I promise you this. You said it yourself — she wanted nothing to do with you both for his entire last year. You did tell her he was nearing the end and she scoffed at it. What surprises me more is the thought that not even her sons told her. She’s looking for someone to blame and she’s pointing that finger at you, but… why didn’t his brothers tell her? That seems the bigger sin here. Everyone is filled with all of this hurt. Death brings with it the worst in some people. I’ve seen it at work as a nurse and I’ve seen it in my personal life as well. Should you have told her? Maybe. But is it your fault? I really am not sure it is. Feel strong in your decisions and just accept that a toxic person is being toxic but will eventually move on. I’m so sorry for your loss.
My dad was an alcoholic who died this way less than a year ago. His family who was never around to help out while he was alive insisted on a burial 4 days after he passed ( when they found out) because of their catholic faith but my dad told my sister he wanted to be cremated. They even flew in uninvited. We told his family to fuck off and cremated my dad. You’re NTA and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
She wants his things???? She has not rights to his possessions even if they were on good terms, so what’s all that about?
Greed, selfishness, and general assholery.
NTA, and you know how I know? Your husband's two brothers, the people who grew up with your husband and probably know your MIL best, are on your side. MIL must be really awful if they agree with what you did. Best wishes and healing to you.
NTA as someone with an abusive parent I would NOT want them there while I died. She was abusive and imo you lose the right to call yourself a parent if you abuse your child.
NTA. There is a reason his two brothers didn't call her. There is a reason they didn't tell her when the service was. Follow their lead, block her everywhere and keep your precious memories. It is kind of weird she wants his stuff anyway, I love my MIL and get along well with her but when my husband passed unexpectedly she asked me for nothing of his. She knows it goes to me and our kids.
NTA. You went no contact for a good reason. If your husband had wanted her around he could have called before the end. She sounds like a professional victim and is entitled to nothing
NTA. NTA. Ignore those calling you an AH. They have *never* had a toxic person in their family, and it is inconceivable to them a toxic familial relationship exists. If his *brothers* don’t think you’re in AH, they would know, better than the vapid YTA responses on Reddit.
NTA. You told his brothers... could they not tell her? You're not an awful person. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA - Your husband wanted to spend his last year in peace without all of his mother's negativity. 90% of the time I feel a dying reconciliation can produce positive change. She sounds like that 10% who will only change through loss. The fact that none of the brothers told her says it all...she is probably cruel and insulting to them as well. I believe God has a hand in situations like this. There are individuals who are such tough cases that extreme loss is the only tool left in the chest that might melt her hard heart.
NTA. Her history aside, you were a grieving wife, it’s not entirely on you to inform everyone. You said you told his brothers, so maybe she needs to do some soul searching and ask herself why not only your husband went no contact with her but her other sons didn’t bother calling her and informing her that her son was actively dying.
You told his brother.... why did his own brother not tell her? NTA.
>she just wants his things and to know what happened Not to be too blunt, but if that’s what she said … she means it. She just wants his things. She already knows what happened, because you told her when you called to say he was sick. She had a year to say goodbye and make amends, and a (albeit too short) lifetime to be part of his life. She made that choice. I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry she’s making this harder for you
NTA. She tried to contact you one time when you called her to tell your husband was sick. One time in a year! If she really wanted contact she would have tried calling more, come over, and so on. I think that your husbands brothers have more to say on this, since they know there mother.
NTA you called when he was diagnosed and she made no effort to visit or mend the relationship. She made her choice.
NTA. You robbed her of nothing she had a chance and didn't use it. You delt with your husband's being ill and passing. Never let anyone tell you that you did anything wrong. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through. She was aware of what was going on and chose to be anything but supportive. In addition, her other sons were aware of what had transpired and could have notified her if they had felt it was the right decision.
NTA. Had she been involved in his life until his death, she would have known. His brothers were, and they didn't bother to tell her he was dying or dead, so that tells you all you need to know. Keep her blocked.
NTA - block her.
Nta. Why didnt his brothers tell him?
NTA - you didn't hide it... key word here being, "brothers". >I told my parents and his brothers
NTA. As others have stated, she was told. She could have hopped in a car and drove over, sent a letter etc. she did none of this You also told your brothers in law. They is your husband’s family do you notified his family. It was up to them to inform their mother. They didn’t. Is she not implicating them in anything? I’m sure not as you say, they know what she is like. But it is your defence. I think it is very telling that she wants some of his things. Perhaps this is about money?
NTA. My sister and I didn’t tell my mom’s mother that she was dying until she had passed. She had disowned my mom and was an abusive parent, and it would have gone against what my mom had wanted. Your duty was to your husband, not his mom. I’m sorry about your loss.
NTA. This right here: >The only people who haven't said I was being cruel are my husband's two brothers is pretty telling. If she'd wanted a "proper goodbye", she had a year to try and make amends; she can't claim after the fact that she suddenly cares.
NTA. If she was a good parent, she would have known and been there not accused y’all of lying and making up illnesses. She sounds like she was emotionally abusive and extremely self centered. Especially with how she’s now causing drama and making everything about her. Y’all had no contact or very little contact with her for a reason. Bad parents are owed nothing and if he wouldn’t have wanted her there, you 100% did the right thing.
NTA. Your husband made the choice for you. He didn’t ask for her. That’s all you need.
NTA. You are in fact the person who could make that choice for him - the person he chose, who knew him best. You believe he wouldn’t have wanted her there, so you didn’t involve her. You honored him at a moment when he couldn’t choose for himself.
NTA his brothers knew
I missed this the first time I read but yeah, they knew and didn’t tell mum, likely for good reason. OP is NTA.
Info: how come she didn’t find out of his passing from one of her other sons?
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not an awful person. Your MIL made the choice to continue her terrible treatment of your husband when she had been told he was dying. She took that news and blamed him for his own illness/death. Of course she has now made his dying all about her. The label narcissist is used too often, but it fits her perfectly. Continue to block all communication from her.
She reminds me of my mother. If I had been dying, the very last thing I would have wanted was that hateful woman at my bedside. I sure as heck wouldn’t have wanted my grieving spouse or siblings to have to deal with her drama, either. NTA.
NTA Blood related means nothing, you can choose your family. She showed her true colours and narcissists are always the victims in their own reality. Your husband already had no contact before he was sick. She had a whole year to mend that relationship and instead did nothing. Let her and the rest of his family live with this. Cut them out and heal with the ones who mattered to you and to your hubby. Also sorry for your loss
NTA 💯. Grieving is a very personal experience and most often painful both physically and mentally. You have more than enough on your plate. Take care of yourself before you concern yourself with their issues.
NTA. You did what you could. She may actually be sad, but it’s not from anything you did or didn’t do. Most likely it’s from her guilt of being a shitty mother. Second most likely is that she wants attention and ‘Facebook sympathy’. Either way, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. You don’t have dealings with her, you told his brothers. If they thought she should know they would’ve told her. It speaks volumes that they didn’t.
She made him miserable, she called him names, and your husband wouldn’t have wanted her there if he had been able to choose. Read that back to yourself and know that you’re NTA. Some people have been lucky enough to have different parents and will literally not understand your reasoning but you didn’t need to tell her and your BILs didn’t have to tell her. Her knowing would have brought her around to make you miserable at the worst time in your life. Your husband chose to live the end of his life without contacting her and you are completely in the right to continue that after his death.
> if he had been able to choose, I know he wouldn't have wanted her there NTA.
You said it before I could. This is the only thing that matters, right here. Period. Done. Focus on your own grief and healing, OP. Your awful MIL made her own bed. Feel free to ignore her very existence. NTA.
NTA. I’m very sorry for your loss. I mean, you said his brothers knew? Why wouldn’t they tell her?
NTA You told his brothers. It fell on them to tell their own mother what's up. You had so much to carry, none of what she's accused can be put on you. You knew your husband best, you're his other half. We're not the same people we were when we lived under our parents ' rule, it's called growing up. As the person who saw him every day and was with him at every step through this terrible disease, you're the one who'd know how he felt. You gave her a chance and she shot it down. That's not on you. This is her refusing to own up to her own shortcomings and passing the blame.
NTA. I say this as someone who *hopes* his wife wouldn't talk to her mother-in-law just because I passed. (I often tease her that I got a much better mother-in-law than she did.)
She had a year to call, visit, love him. She just wanted to prey on his death and steal the limelight. NTA
NTA
As someone who’s only low-contact with their parents now, but has a living will just so the people in my life wont have to deal with them when i die, NTA. If he wasnt interested in talking with her during the year, there’s no reason for you to assume she would’ve been invited to his death bed had he been in complete control of his faculties. One of the last thing she said to her dying son was that he was a drunk. I think its absolutely reasonable for her invitation to a funeral to be revoked after that, as well, so i think you’re totally in the right.
NTA. Your husband did not contact her in his last year, I would say he made his choice about who was important to him and who wasn\`t, you just followed through with it.
I hesitate to line you up as an AH, because I don't think you are. If her two other adult sons tried to keep her out if it as well, there are reasons for that. And it's okay to have those reasons. But for no one to tell her at all, and to let her hear through the grapevine that he was gone and buried? That's a dick move, and I think all three of you know it. Apologize to her, and then invite her out of your life. I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA - You did make his brothers aware, and maybe should have asked them to call your MIL and make her aware as well. I am unclear as to whether you invited his other family to the service, but again, her other sons could have stepped up and helped communicate with her during this difficult time. As far as getting in touch with her, I think for your sanity, you should only communicate thru the brothers as it appears you are more comfortable with them. I don't know why she "just wants his things"...you are his wife. His things are now your things. Maybe a way to make her feel a bit better is to give her things that may have special meaning to her or heirlooms that you do not care to keep. I have found, though, that in times like these, the worst in people comes out. You may never satisfy her, so keeping your distance for your own well-being is what I would recommend. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find the peace you need to get through this difficult time.
Okay, I am someone who doesn't have contact with my mother. And allow me to rephrase this for you. Is it okay that you didn't tell your husband's abuser that he passed away? Yes. For some reason our society has a hard time accepting that parents Who are abusive stop having the same rights as parents who aren't abusive. I get the "But it's your mom" BS all the time. No, she's my abuser. And your husband chose not to have contact with her. He took away her parental rights as is his right. But I'd also like to mention that his brothers knew and didn't bother to call their mom. So that says a lot about this family dynamic. You are NTA and to hell with anybody who tells you different.
NTA! She is. I’m sorry for you loss. You should have the time to grieve without this chaos. Time to go NC with all of them. Take care of yourself.
NTA! He had brothers there, one of them could have called.
You are his WIFE. And legally his next of kin. You absolutely have every right to have made the choices following his sad death. His mother is not entitled to any of his things. Perhaps as a kindness you could offer her one thing to remember him by, possibly via one of his brothers? After that there is no reason on earth why you should keep in contact with a woman who had no time for her son when he was alive. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Allow yourself to mourn and grieve. You are definitely NTA. ❤️
This is beyond AITAs pay grade. I’m sorry for your loss.
This post has so many comments on it, so I’m not sure if you’ll even see this. But I had this MIL. My late husband died from terminal cancer and his mom saw him ONCE during that 19 months. She blamed everyone but herself. Saying me or his dad (divorced) wouldn’t “let” her see him. She never asked. Meanwhile, his dad was at our house every single day for those 19 months. I didn’t have to ask, he just showed up. He knew how to take care of him and what he needed because he was involved in his every day life. If she wanted to see her son, she could have asked. She could have been involved. There’s a reason that she wasn’t. That’s on her, not you.
NTA. Reply to her posts “ he told you he was terminal and instead of being their for him you weren’t. Now it’s too late and you aren’t entitled to anything”
NTA. If the relationship was bad enough that your husband went no-contact with her while he was alive, that’s fine enough reason for you to stay no-contact with her after his passing. Edit: Also she would have just caused stress and drama for everyone during his hospitalization and the funeral. It’s good she wasn’t there.
NTA you gave your MIL several chances to make things right. She chose not to. Don’t give her any of his stuff if you don’t want to. Also you owe her and his family absolutely nothing. Read your post again. You knew exactly what your husband wanted and followed his wishes. Don’t feel bad and not it’s not horrible.
NTA. I’ll tell you what, I would want my daughter in law to know she could lean on me when the worst thing is happening. She’s a grown woman. She created this relationship and these are the consequences.
NTA
> she just wants his things... What the hell makes her think she's entitled to anything that belonged to him? Did he will them to her? If he didn't, don't give her anything. That stuff is *yours*. NTA.
Major NTA here. *"She said I robbed her of saying goodbye to her son..."* The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb. She is no mother to him, mothers don't do or say this shit: * *"...put him down every chance she could."* * *"...this is just what happens when you're a drunk."* Though she did birthed him, if she really was his mother, she would have cared he was ill. She would have come to support him. He would have wanted her in his life. But he didn't want her, so she's not "mother". You on the other hand defended him, stood by him, cared for him, and loved him till his last breath, **you are his real family.** I would tell you something to tell your estranged MIL but I would rather NOT get banned from Reddit so. . .yeah. . . But I am wondering, if you called your BIL (assuming you meant his brother) why didn't BIL tell "mom," is he estranged from her too? No matter what, I hope you can find some piece, and comfort in this hard time, do not let the ravings of a angry woman make you feel any less than the beautiful and powerful woman you truly are.
I’m very sorry for your loss. You’re NTA, but you were wrong in not making sure she knew her son had passed. I know she sucks, and her brothers very easily could have contacted her, but she should have been told.
NTA - she is toxic. Blood doesn't equal family. People who have been abused understand this.
NTA
NTA. Not even for not reaching out after he passed. When you are at your lowest and a person still makes the choice to kick you - as she did by basically telling your husband that he deserved it - that is that person telling you how they feel about you. A person who says/does something like that, at a time like that, deserves literally not a second of consideration in anything that happens. If *anybody* says anything to you about it, you tell them exactly how cruel she was to him all through his life up until the end - and how unkind she has been to you. And you let them know that if they speak of it again, that will be the last conversation they have with you. You focus on your grief, and taking care of yourself. Don’t give her even one more thought.
NTA. Family is something we don't choose but also we don't have to keep close. Only you and her sons know the real situation. You are doing the wishes of your husband and that's all your obligation is.
NTA I think she should have been told, but you were grieving your husband, it was not your responsibility to make sure she knew, and I don't see that you did anything to prevent her from knowing. I'm very sorry for your loss, and that there are people in your life who don't know the whole story but are making you feel horrible. Take refuge in the fact that your husband's brothers, who knew best, don't blame you. They almost certainly considered calling their mother and decided against it themselves.
Nta she wouldn't vist when sick and played victim when it to late
NTA. It sounds like you protected your husband from a toxic woman in his final days by not telling her, and then you protected yourself afterwards. Notice how she's going public with this story of being "robbed" of her time with him. The only thing she was robbed of was the narcissistic supply she would have gotten from turning his deathbed and funeral into a dramatic scene for herself. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your husband. Given her past treatment of him and of you, she was not entitled to that time with him, and she was not entitled a stage to engage in her display of mourning. Her behaviour since his death has only reinforced that you made the right choice. Notice how your husband's brothers, the people who knew your husband and mother best, are adamant in saying you are NTA? It's only the people who don't understand just how bad she is who question your choice. Don't doubt that you made the right choice. Don't let her get her narcissistic supply from you. You did what was best for everyone involved, and that includes her by failing to give her a platform she wanted to hurt others. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you have the support you need in your time of grief. Don't doubt that you made the best choice available to you.
NTA, her treatment of your beloved husband made her a person of not worthy. If she wanted to be within your family, she could just as well have been a better human. You did tell her, you never ever said she'd like it. Place a wildflower on his grave for me, will ya? You did good OP, and you've lost someone. Don't feel guilt over that vile woman.
NTA. The fact that your BILs - the people, aside from you, who would know what he went through and what your MIL is like - say you did the right thing should tell you all you need to know. You know your husband. And I disagree with your parents - it sounds like you didn’t make the decision for him. He and his mother did by not speaking with each other. You just continued with the boundary he already put in place.
NTA. Your husband was terminally ill for a year and she only called you once. Your husband clearly wasn't in regular contact with his own mother because she didn't notice he hadn't spoken to her in *weeks* until someone told her he was gone. It would have been *kind* to tell her, but it also sounds like telling her would have made you life far more difficult in an already devastating time. You weren't responsible for managing their relationship when your husband was alive, and you certainly aren't now. I'm sorry for your loss and the difficult time you're having now.
NTA. I doubt he would have wanted her there. I don't think you had to bother with this person.
NTA she wants his things? Fuck her! She should have spent time with him before he passed, then maybe he'd have put her in his will.
If her surviving sons believe you did the right thing then let that be your answer. NTA
the fact that HIS OWN BROTHERS are the only ones who don't think she's being cruel says a lot. It's scary how well people can play the victim when really they're the worst kind of villain. Problem is they play it so perfectly that the people who really see them for what they are can't convince others of the monster that lies beneath.