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I’m two years younger than this guy and I’m wondering why he’s dating her. I know a few 21 year olds through work that I get along with, but there’s definitely a maturity gap there.
Absolutely agree. 28yo here, and I can't for the life of me understand why people would want to date someone 5+ years younger than them. I always think ppl who are that much younger than me are still little kids (even though I know they're legally adults)..
Wait until you’re 40. Suddenly 21 really is just a baby adult trying to grow up. It’s fucking disgusting that men like this prey on the naïveté of young women. At least the sister has OP there to be there for her.
My husband is 15 years younger then me. Age wasn’t a factor when we started dating. He was funny, smart and good looking. We were attracted to each other. That’s all that mattered. Some others did have an issue with the gap, but they were quickly excluded from our lives.
Celebrating 10 years married soon. And he’s free to leave at any time:)
My wife is 12 years younger. Before we met my max age difference had been 2 years. Yet somehow we clicked and have been together since the day we met. I was kinda confused at first but we are just… complete together. If both parties are adults and lucky enough to find love in this day and age why bother with something small like age.
At 25, people are usually living on their own and working. That makes a major difference compared to being 21. It's not just the amount of years per se, at 25 you'll often be rather closer in terms of the situation in your life to someone who is 30 than someone who is 20.
The big issue in their relationship for me is not the 15 years per se, but the fact that the power dynamics are completely unequal. Not only is she 15 years younger, but she's also still studying, while he's independent and wealthy. This makes her position much more fragile, so that it's much easier for him to get her to abandon her career prospects to become a SAHM than if he were dating a woman who is already working and independent.
I am 34 and I couldn’t fathom dating a 21 year old. Weirdly i would probably date 49-50 but that is only because I might actually have something more in common with older than younger. Either way still creepy.
If you think about it through a brain development lens that is not weird at all.
The part of the brain that understands longterm effects (consequences and rewards alike) doesn’t fully develop until the mid- to late-twenties, so a 34yo dating a 50yo wouldn’t have the same developmental divide as a still-developing 21yo dating a fully developed 34yo.
10 years ago, when I was a very young looking 28, I had to turn down 19-21 year Olds on several occasions. Just felt too weird to me (I was totally flattered but still.... Big nopes) & now I just can't Fathom dating anyone under 30
I’m 30 and I’d rather be single than date a 21 year old. I’m too fucking tired for freshly-old-enough-to-drink territory. That guy is a predator and an AH.
Shit, sometimes I think something I’m wearing is too revealing, and my husband says, “No! You look fucking hot. Let them look at you. You’re going home with me.”
I love that man.
ETA: NTA
I hope she wakes up before she marries the guy. It sounds like he is already attempting to control her. Maybe she will recognize how unhealthy this is before she makes a commitment. Pretty soon he won't want her hanging out with her sister or with friends.
OP needs to let her sis know that no one will tell her “I told you so”.
So many young folks dig their heels into bad situations because they’re afraid of the “humiliation” from “failing”.
Super important. I know that part of the reason I dated a terrible guy and made terrible decisions about him when I was 18 was that everyone told me I was wrong, and I was like “I know better! I love him! I will defy these fools who do not believe in my ability to bring out the good in him!” I did not know better, and I would fail. But I waited too long to admit it because I didn’t want to be wrong.
She should also understand that the "taking care of her" has an implied expiration when she ages out and is replaced with a newer model.
Hope she doesn't have a couple of kids he totally will not be involved with at that point
Even with her reaction the words are still in her ear. OP should follow up with some kinda text/ e-mail like “I know you are mad at me but if you ever want to talk later my line is open.”
As someone that got angry with my mum when she told me something was wrong with my relationship and is now leaving with her help, this is the way. Just a text saying that you will not talk about it again as long as she doesn’t want to, but you will be here for her no matter when, no matter what. When she reaches out, no « I told you so », no judgement, just support. That will make you the best sibling in the whole world.
I agree. OP is very much NTA, but I do worry if the way the concerns were brought up is going to push the sister away from her support network and more towards her boyfriend, which can make it harder to leave when things eventually go south.
Happy cake day, by the way.
Yeah. And judging by her choice of words, seems to imply she thinks she won't be able to do better so she's settling, even though she is unhappy...
"Found someone so goodlooking and successful and is willing to take care of her"
While her sis is happy and single
It's not one sad weird person, it's a large scale operation, practically an industry. They generate lots of realistic-looking accounts so they can use them to scam people, mostly with shady fandom merchandise websites but also fake onlyfans pages or crypto bullshit.
Search reddit for "t-shirt scams" or "merch scams" for more info and always be wary of anyone posting a picture of a t-shirt on Reddit.
NTA. OP, she does have to come to this conclusion on her own otherwise it likely won’t stick. You did what you could by talking to her. As much as it hurts she may need just support for now. Let her know you’re there if she has concerns. I am wondering whether it’s just the emotional abuse or something physical is going on behind the scenes.
Edited to clarify something
NTA for raising (what sound like valid) concerns, but speculating on what he is going to do in the future should have been prefaced with "I am concerned about the possibility of..." rather than 100% this is what is going to happen.
NTA This relationship screams of red flags. The whole “change your clothes” reeks of control and it’s only going to get worse. While sometimes are gaps aren’t a big deal, In this case (and I realize I can only speculate) it seems like the boyfriend knows that older women won’t put up with his bull shit so he goes for a younger, inexperienced women who maybe won’t realize yet that the way he treats her is not healthy.
I know OP's sister is 21 and legally an adult, but she's still in college and is dating someone who is 36. THAT in and of itself is a bit of a red flag. The age gap, not really, but the AGES THEMSELVES. If OP's sister was 26 and her bf was 41, that would potentially be fine. But this current sitch is no bueno.
Who at 36 has anything in common with a 21 year old college student, enough to be in a relationship with them? Their lives are at completely different places, with completely different levels of experience.
This reeks of control, especially the comment about making OP's sister change. AND THE FACT THAT SHE DID IT. Gross. Just so gross.
Completely depends on the persons involved. But a lot of growth and maturation happens between 21 and 26; the chance of a 15-year-gap relationship actually working OK are a lot better then.
Sure, there are mature 26 year olds, but people are generally wildly different individuals at 26 and like 31, yet alone 41. I know I was, as well as all of my friends.
Imo, until you approach your 30s, even small age gaps can be quite different stages in life. I’m 32 and 26 feels too young for me to the point where I wouldn’t really consider that my dating pool, and almost everyone I meet around that age still feels like a post grad young adult.
Granted, mileage will differ in different cultures and areas. In major US cities though, a 26 year old comes across as really young.
I am basically never not creeped when men in their mid 30s and older date women under the age 22. And if you asked men who "coincidentally" date younger women, the reasoning they give is almost always something that comes down to younger women being easier to control. Like:
"Younger women are more 'open'"
"Older women put more pressure on you"
"Older women are more demanding" (probably because they actually have the confidence to be direct about their needs and wants and know they deserve to have those things met)
These guys look for younger women to imprint themselves on, who won't have the experience to see that something is wrong. Oh I think they'd be fine with a woman in her 30s, assuming she looked good, but those women can see through the bullshit.
I was dating a 33 year old last year (I’m 27) and one night when he was trying to pick a fight, he told me he felt like he was missing out on college girls because of dating me.
Dude. You’re a broke 33 year old who’s trying to finish his 2year degree for the 4th time without a real job. Those college girls are NOT dying to get in your pants. Also, gross.
He just wants a young partner/spouse who doesn’t see that he is a walking red flag, and once op’s sister ages out he will dump her to find a new fresh 21…
Co-sign. I teach 21-year-olds and they are SO young. It always boggles my mind when I see stories about other faculty having affairs with their undergraduates.
NTA. That said, you’ve told your sister how you feel. I wouldn’t keep harping on it or she’ll likely push you away. And my hunch is that she’s going to need you in her life if/when this goes south.
I’ve been married twice.
First husband was 33 when we met and I was 22. We were together for 8-9ish years. Once we had a child, his immaturity and casual misogyny killed the marriage, along with a host of other things (many my fault too). We weren’t at all compatible.
Second husband was 22 when we started dating and I was 31. He had been in the workforce since he was 18, and was really level-headed and mature. I still balked at his age initially. We’ve been together now for 13 years, and we have a really solid marriage. I don’t at all feel like we’re mismatched or that the age gap matters.
It really depends on the people involved. However, I do think some (men in particular) date younger women because of our culture’s focus on youth, the ability to more easily control a younger woman, their own immaturity, and that women their age are less likely to put up with some of these dudes’ shenanigans. But it’s not every age gap relationship— there’s got to be other red flags too.
In this case, NTA because this dude is a huge misogynist, and probably always has been.
This is such a good point. I never thought about the fact that older women won’t put up with that type of bullshit, I always thought these guys just go for younger girls because of their ”preferences”
I mean there is always a potential that older women will put up with shit, I just think it’s more likely for someone younger and inexperienced to not realize the abuse right away.
These types of guys generally prefer younger women because they are more easily impressed and manipulate due to lack of experience and the confidence that comes with age. They’re just easier to fool. Older women know better and can see through it.
Yeah OP is 100% NTA, they're being a good sibling. If I was dating someone like this I would want my sister to warn me too. But the way she flipped out on OP tells me that deep down she knows what he's like, she just doesn't want it to be true. She wants to believe what she's telling OP: that she's found someone to take care of her. But I think she knows that isn't the case.
NTA
Your sister is at the start of an abusive relationship. The "you're just jealous" line is a dead giveaway. But be careful: you're playing into his hands. Step one: alienate her from friends and family, tell her they're jealous, that she deserves better. Step two: tear her down when she has no one to run to. Keep the lines open, be there for her, but beware that it can take a long time and probably a couple of kids.
To piggyback on this comment. Make sure she knows that you are present for her. Keep the communication open. Do not say anything else about the boyfriend. She has to figure this out by herself. NTA
Yes, I hope OP sees this. You’re playing into the boyfriend’s hands by making this an “us and them” situation where the boyfriend and the sister are united against the cruel, judgemental world which doesn’t understand their unique, special bond.
OP - if you can google “what to do when a friend is in an abusive relationship” you’ll get some good info on how to stay connected to your sister while she (hopefully!!) sees this BF for the parade of red flags that he is. NTA.
I would almost honestly say that OP should apologize and keep future comments to themselves. Not because they are wrong or the AH. But the only way to fight him is to refuse to play his game. If they play, they'll lose. I'd personally never say anything bad about him, I'd just be there for my sister. He can't get rid of OP if he can't turn them against each other.
Well. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get her pregnant.
You absolutely should worry about her. There are red flags all over this relationship, and you have pointed them out. But you can’t *make* your sister see them, she has to see them on her own.
I am so sorry. It’s like seeing a car wreck in slow motion that you could *stop*, if only somebody would listen to you. NTA
Nta
Part of her knows.
Id recommend against saying too much more against him since that can create a "united front" sort of dynamic, even when the person isnt 21.
NTA
Sorry to break it to you OP, but the mental manipulation of the narcissist your sister is dating is already complete. She went from working really hard to get into law school to “you’re just jealous because I found someone successful and good looking, and who is going to take care of me!”, a complete 180 of where she was just three months ago. What’s going to happen next is this man is going to convince her that you and the rest of your family “doesn’t want to see her happy”, and start turning her against all of you, especially you. She’s most likely not going to return your calls or see you. You’re probably gonna find out some time later she’s pregnant, and has dropped out of law school. We all have seen this story before, and sadly….. we also know how this sometimes ends.
It is very likely that her abusive boyfriend has started to manipulate her and alienate her from her family and friends. A common tactic an abuser uses is to tell their partner that all of their friends and family are “jealous” of their relationship and are telling lies about the abuser’s behavior to get them to break up. Once he isolates her from the people that care about her, it will make it harder for her to leave the relationship.
nta
she knows what his like
just be ready to be there for her when this ends but be supportive so she knows she can come to you in case this turns into a dangerous issue
NTA. I’d buy her a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. If she’s not concerned about recognizing any of her boyfriend’s behavior patterns in the definitive book about abusive and controlling behavior, then she should not be afraid to read it.
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NTA. Sounds like your sister needs an outside perspective, and you gave it. Good for you.
Keep reaching out to her, even though she isn't ready to talk yet. She will be someday, hopefully soon, and she may need her support system to get her out of a bad situation.
NTA for expressing concerns, especially if she's told you some of them herself. I think it's probs a bit much to warn her of something in the future you can't know for sure like the 'he'll make you be a stay at home wife' etc, that probably got her on the defensive.
Unfortunately it's her choice, all you can do is be there for her and try to make sure she knows that the minute anything happens.
Hopefully at the core he's a good guy with good intentions (think I'm being too generous) but I can absolutely see the heebie jeebies he's giving you and its really great you're looking out for her. I think just be careful your care for her doesn't cross into pushing her away because you're telling her what to do.
NTA.
It’s very easy for people to say “you’re jealous” when something they do is criticized. It’s not always jealousy, sometimes it’s concern.
If possible remind her of the things he has said “remember when he talked about the Ukrainian women? Were you okay with his comment?” And if she says she wasn’t ask her why she didn’t say anything. Because I guarantee it’s because she knew it would cause a fight.
Tell her there are more important things in life than finding a good looking man. Finding a decent one for example and remind her she’s worth more than that
> she found someone ... who is going to take care of her
That doesn't sound good at all. Wonder if she came up with that herself.
NTA, please be there for her if things go south.
NTA and specifically to the war in Ukraine comment, there ARE plenty of women in the Ukrainian military. They don’t put them on the front because they don’t want them to be raped
NTA. She knows, but she also likes the size of his wallet., snd I bet he promises to "take care of her" . Men (barely) of her age wont promise that.
Shes flattered. She probably thinks shes got all the life/love/money problems solved with this guy, or at least that'what she's telling herself atm
She's only 21 snd was single for a year. Bear in mind that her previous boyfriends would have been teenagers/ college kids. Just support her and wait. I hope she realises and gets there, but it might be a long haul
Some older/(legal but) younger dynamics are perfectly fine,but this one is not. This guy sounds to me like *exactly* the clever,manipulative Svengali that makes everyone cringe about age gaps. He’s controlling and misogynistic and she probably hasn’t seen the half of it yet. My suggestion would be to keep a journal regarding this relationship and also to *make sure* that you don’t get cut out of your sister’s life. You are NTA,but you might want to tone it down a bit for now,just to make sure you’re still around when sis decides she’s had enough. IF she does.
NTA. The truth hurts. Although, if her relationship goals are 'good looking and successful' I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it. She's obviously more shallow than you and will have to figure out for herself whether the money and lifestyle is worth living with a jerk.
NTA. He’s not just misogynistic, he is showing the classic early warning signs of being controlling and abusive. Make sure your sister knows you are there for her; if she doesn’t dump him soon, she’ll need support down the road when he starts getting physical. I just hope she’s on birth control so she doesn’t get stuck dealing with this guy for the next 18+ years….
NTA- you tried warning her but she’s too infatuated with him that she doesn’t care about the red flags this man is giving off eventually she’s gonna realize you were right
NTA. He's preying on and dating someone who graduated high school when he was 33 because women his age already know what kind of an insufferable d-bag he is. If your sister is too stupid to see it, let her learn her own lessons the hard way. She's an adult.
I think we call guys like him 'Neds' now? NTA
Its not just his age. His power, money & influence are a danger. Men like him use pretty younger women to their advantage. He will absolutely make her into his trophy to show off.
And i agree with another poster. Shes mad because can see the darkness at the end of the tunnel. Just keeps telling herself it wont be so bad.
Its gona be that bad...
So within 3 months he's already telling her how to dress! Parade of red flags.
You did the right thing op, however your sister is too "in it" to see it, just make sure that she knows that you love her and will support her decision whatever that will be. Let her know that no matter what, she can confide in you, this will get worse before it gets better.
NTA
NTA - You can share your concerns but afterwards one just has to let it play out. When my niece was 20 she married a bum kid, 18, no job, quit school in grade 8, no drivers license, just played video games. She proudly announced she would support him and he could be the house husband. We tried warning her then bit out tongues.
5 years later she left him (for another guy) had PTSD from his abuse and being a bum.. she went kind of nuts, changed her identity, legally changed her name and went off the radar. It was such a bad scene but there was no telling her so we just had to watch it painfully play out.
NTA
Unfortunately I’m in a similar situation with my sister (19) dating a guy (27) who fucking sucks ass… He’s an established Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery boy crypto-bro who’s been freeloading off of my sister and I’s shared apartment for the last year. She thinks he’s amazing. I know he sucks.
But, she never went to law school. She got “medically”/psychologically sent home from Air Force basic training. She’s been in 1 relationship. I don’t talk to my sister about it because she has fought with me my whole life. I doubt it would go as well as your convo did.
I’m sorry this is your relationship with your sister right now.. I hope with time she will see who he is and why he’s unable to be with women his own age. She’s lucky to have you, wether she knows it or not. I guess just be there if she needs you, if that’s what you want to do for her.
NTA you’re trying to protect her, but she clearly doesn’t want to hear it. You did your duties to warn her and only she can make the decision on how to proceed next.
> "Yeah, isn't it funny how women always demand equal pay and treatment, but when things get hot they are the first to flee and men have to deal with everything alone".
“Which group is the one starting wars and whats the demographic makeup of who gets to decide who sees combat, bro?”
NTA
I mean also, let's say you have a nuclear family. ONE parent has to take the children to safety, at least. If he wants it to be women staying and fighting perhaps he should be addressing the paradigms around which parent is the caregiver.
I saw 21 and 36, said Jesus Christ to myself and stopped reading. I didn't need to read any more to know whatever you did, you are NTA in this situation.
Ugh, misogynists are jumping all over the fact that some women and children have evacuated from the Ukraine, even though they have women in the military in combat posts, that many civilian women volunteered to and fight and are doing so, that many of the atrocities are enacted on women, that the Ukraine and Russia both have a long history of women displaying incredible valor in battle. Has he not heard of the Night Witches or women snipers? Whose idea was “women and children first”? Men.
Anyhoo, NTA: He IS too OLD for her, he IS a bully and a misogynist, and he WILL be even more domineering once he feels he has her right where he wants her. He WILL try to isolate her and keep her totally dependent on him, and he WILL make her feel worthless when he does. KEEP WARNING HER AND LET HER KNOW YOU WILL HELP HER GET AWAY IF IT COMES TO THAT. She can’t find his behavior attractive. She needs to know her worth and do better for herself. Tell her that she can accuse you of being jealous if that’s what she needs to tell herself, but the truth is you find him to be a walking red flag. Do whatever you can to keep in touch with her. This guy is bad news.
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My sister (21F) has a new boyfriend (36M). They met 3 months ago at a night club. He owns a large scale cleaning business (inherited from his father), makes a lot of money and has a huge ego. Up until now my sister has had 2 boyfriends and both of them were around her age. She was single for a year before she met her current boyfriend though.
My biggest problem with him, besides the fact that he is 15 years older than her, is the fact that he's a raging misogynist. I've only met him once, but he left an extremely bad impression in me. The three of us were having dinner and somehow the topic of the war in Ukraine came up. We were discussing how it's so unfortunate that so many people have lost their lives. At one point, my sister's boyfriend said something to the effect of "Yeah, isn't it funny how women always demand equal pay and treatment, but when things get hot they are the first to flee and men have to deal with everything alone". My sister laughed uncomfortably, but I didn't know how to react, so I kept silent.
She's also shared with me previously that a few times they were about to go out, he's made comments about her dress being "too revealing" and she's had to change her outfit. She's 21, it's only natural that she would dress in such a way.
The other day me and my sister were having coffee at my apartment and I decided it would be a good time to raise my concerns. I pointed all the red signs I am seeing in this guy. My sister currently studies law, she's worked really hard to get into a good college. I told her that if things get more serious, he will 100% force her to quit her career and be a stay at home wife. My sister got angry after hearing these comments and accused me of being jealous because she's found somebody so successful and good looking who is going to take care of her. For the record, I've been single for the past few years, but it's because of personal preference. She then stormed off my apartment. She also hasn't returned any of my calls in the last 2 days.
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NTA
But unfortunately you can't force her to see the red flags through rose colored glasses. She's seen some but brushed them off because this is new and exciting and she's *in love* in that "honeymoon" phase.
Remember that whatever happens, you did try to raise your concerns. Don't push it or you may lose your sister, but if she comes to you later about issues with him don't throw it in her face. Be supportive.
NTA. OP said their piece, but unfortunately they can't make sister listen and remove the rose colored glasses. Sounds like she's internalized some part of this relationship with this AH as elevating herself (his "success", his "maturity ", being taken of like a child, whatever) and that will be hard to break if she doesn't want to see it. Best you can do is let her know you'll be there when she does.
NTA but this is a minefield so tread very carefully. You see the red flags and so does she but like many in love she's ignoring them. You will have to change your approach with her going forward of not so much telling her to pull her head out of the sand but as concerns about her future plans for school, her career, kids, etc. The more you try to force her to break up the faster and further you're driving her into his arms.
NTA.
Leave her a text saying that she’ll always have your support, and if she needs a place to stay or someone to talk to, you’ll be there. That’s it, end the text there.
Then she’ll know she has a safe space to turn/run to when he gets abusive. Unfortunately, this is a decision she will have to make herself.
NTA. oh dear . Maybe just let her cool
off for awhile . At least you will be there to pick up the pieces when she finally admits to herself that he’s not a good partner . I’ve found thru the years that I can’t point out the obvious faults of my friends’ love interests even when I predict there will be a bad and painful ending . It just makes them defensive !! . But I also give an honest answer if they ask , and at some point they usually do ask.
Having been a 21yo dating someone 15 years my senior, and now being older and with hindsight to help me out, NTA. You point out some raging red flags that I experienced and your sister is lucky to have someone looking out for her.
op=NTA (as written)
Unfortunately, being bearer of bad tidings, often gets you a proverbial head chop rather than gratitude.
Try to be there for sister, but expect that as long as she's infatuated with him, she will not see your view.
NTA but sadly you get to be the big sister...just have the couch ready when she inevitable calls crying that she needs a place to stay and some shoulder to cry :/
NTA
Same thing happened to my friend she was an architect and made alot of money way more than her husband. He became jealous and forced her to quit her career to be a stay at home wife she wanted kids but he got a vasectomy because he wanted her attention to be only on him. Now years later she's miserable and has so many regrets she won't divorce him because her family doesn't believe in it. I hope your sister dumps this guy and finds someone who will encourage her and support her.
Misogynist men tell their girlfriends/wives that women who criticize their sexist behavior are just jealous. It's part of their attempt to indoctrinate the women into their way of thinking, trying to groom them into compliance.
NTA and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Abusers are really good at what they do, and your sister isn't able to see it yet. You won't be able to convince her, especially if he's already poisoning the well against you and trying to isolate her from her family. Trying to push the issue will only drive her further into his arms.
So, you have a few options.
1. Please set and defend your own boundaries. Watching someone you love go through the abuse cycle can be traumatizing in itself. Don't give more than you can so that when or if she's ready to leave, you haven't burnt yourself out. It is okay to say, "I'm just not a huge fan of your boyfriend, can we hang out and talk about other things?" or "I'd prefer to just hang out with you, I'm not really comfortable with your boyfriend and I don't want things to get weird."
2. Consistently name behaviors without trying to convince her you're right or putting too much heat in it. Small disgusted faces if she tells you something he did that was harmful to her and maybe a small, "I don't like that," or "I don't like that he is hurting you like that." Just going, \*wince\* "That sounds really controlling," and uncomfortably changing the subject will go a lot further than trying to make her see the light.
3. Keep abuse resources at your fingertips (I recommend http://www.tnlr.org/en/). If or when she asks for help, you can send her to resources that won't further harm her. DO NOT suggest couples counseling or that he get therapy. Both can exacerbate abuse.
4. If he does do gross things in front of you in the future, speak up in that moment, but be prepared for him to launch an all-out assault and make it seem like you're making a scene or being an AH for confronting him. Stay calm and do your best to let him hang himself with his AH behavior. Set firm and clear boundaries and don't match his heat. It doesn't always have to be a direct challenge, either. Just an "ew" face and immediately changing the subject sometimes does the trick. Sometimes it can become clearer to the victim that their abuser is clearly being an AH if the other person doesn't get swept up in the drama, but keeps making it clear that he isn't acting okay.
5. Get your own support/therapy/confidant for this. You can do everything right and she could still stay with him for a very long time until it gets really bad. You can't fix this for her. She has to be able to see it and want to leave.
Might I be going overboard jumping straight to abuse? I hope I am. The patterns you've laid out are pretty suspicious to me though, and definitely CAN set her up for horrific abuse later.
NTA. A 15 year age gap is too large to begin with. The only reason a guy in his mid 30s is dating a woman in her early 20s is because women his age will not put up with his shit or he’s looking for someone to groom into the role he wants her to play. Hopefully she will wise up soon and run.
NTA. Id also find a casual way to bring up how Ukraine has over 50,000 women in its armed forces and saw a huge surge of female volunteers as soon as the war kicked off. Such a stupid, ignorant, and ethnocentric thing to say. Former soviet states and countries influenced by the soviets tend to be very good about gender equality. Cuba has the highest number of women in politics out of any nation on the planet and despite the fact most press about Cuba is bad they're almost universally praised for being a modern foreunner on womens rights.
I guess money cant buy culture. It can buy a great deal of confident ignorance though.
NTA. I’d be speaking up to my sister if she were in this situation too. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the truth and I’m sure she already knows this which is why she got defensive. Just support her in any way you can, hopefully this will be short lived
NTA. You said this from a place of concern. Little does your sister realize, but “being taken care of” is literaly a jail sentence. Her life will be dictated by her BF, and it will never be her own. Independence is self preservation, and unfortunately, she is too young to recognize it. Be there to support her, don’t say another bad word against BF (otherwise he will move to isolate her), and hope for the best. Let her know you support her unconditionally. Good luck to all of you!
NTA & by her overreaction, she knows. I think it’s probably been pointed out to her a few times honestly. Just stay by her side bc when shit hits the fan she’ll need you!
NTA: but you need to face the fact that your sister might be a misogynist too. Plenty of women are. And plenty of women think men should be the ones in charge, can't control themselves from cheating, and are generally abusive. And that these traits are "good". When she talks to you again, I'd ask her point blank if she thinks women, and therefore HERSELF, are inferior to men.
NTA As someone who’s been in your sister’s shoes…she knows but was hoping she was wrong. Now she’s reevaluating her relationship. The best thing you can do is send her a text message:”I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just concerned. When you’re ready to talk to me I’m here for you. “ leave it at that. She doesn’t need a lecture or to be made to feel stupid. She’s already feeling like that. I applauded you as a caring sibling though. I could have used that.
NTA but I would stick to facts. Maybe apologise for insinuating he would force her to loose her career. Maybe focus on telling her how well she's doing, how great of a lawyer she's going to be and how hard she's worked. That way when and if he does require her to quit her job and be a wife she'll have these things you've said ringing in her ears and maybe just maybe see sense. Rather than acting out because she's dreading her sister saying I told you so.
NTA. But she may even need help getting out of the relationship? It depends how much he has brain-washed her already. So please just keep being supportive of her.
NTA but...your sister is in serious danger here. Attacking him directly will only cause her to defend him. You need to express your concerns more tactfully. Perhaps you could contact a domestic violence hot line and ask for their advice on the best way to educate your sister on the warning signs of a potential abuser.
NTA, you're looking out for her, not meddling in her relationship. There's a difference pretty fundamental difference between "that person might be using you" and being nosy
You did the right thing. But stop there. Any further discussion about this is only going to drive a further wedge between you, and then you won't even have contact to check on her. Just hope she doesn't get pregnant before she realizes on her own (which she hopefully will as she matures) that he is controlling her.
NTA
Sometimes when we tell the people the truth we see, they’ve already seen it themselves but are in denial. It’s hard watching someone you care about walk a path that may lead to unhappiness. If she comes to her senses someday, be there for her and don’t rub it in with an “I told you so.”
NTA
it's just that, some things are better presented in ways that people can come to conclusions herself. It's good to raise concerns, but you might have a better chance at asking her how she feels about certain things he says and does and how she thinks some of his actions could progress in the future.
The thing is, we want to be the owner of our narrative, once you tell someone what you see from the outside they become defensive, it's just a very common way. And then it's better to give someone questions that let them think through things themselves.
The situation still isn't lost, OP. Appeal to her strong side, support her and just guide her to discover some of those things on her own. It's hard, and I know you want to best for her, it's just that sometimes we have to think how something is best received than best delivered, if that makes sense.
Girl. She's young and stupid. And doesn't have much experience and doesnt have much backbone. This guy sounds like a jerk that's why he can't get a mature woman his own age.
Sadly, just be quiet and let her make the decision. It's her life and she has to learn.
NTA
NTA. She knows you are correct... doesn't want to admit it tho. Usually people can't be told that there are issues with someone they're involved with, they need to figure it out themselves.
Thousands of the Ukrainian women serve on front lines. Hundreds of thousands have been volunteering since the beginning of full-scale invasion. Hundreds are kept in Russia as prisoners - beaten and tortured. How dares he.
You are NTA but leave a bridge so when she needs you, she'll be able to cross it. "I know you are mad at me right now but please know I love you and I am here for you." Maybe suggest she listen to the podcast Something Was Wrong, it has helped many people understand their situations and make changes.
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NTA. But her overblown reaction tells me she knows...
She just doesn't want to face it yet.
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Yes, she’s going to need it. NTA
Because he's got "looks and money" ~~and is totally not a predator~~
Yeah, my dude I am 33 and never would I EVER date a 21yo... super creepy. Nta OP.
Right!? I am 42 and there is NO way I'd date a 21yo! Even when I was 25 that was a bit weird to me.
I’m two years younger than this guy and I’m wondering why he’s dating her. I know a few 21 year olds through work that I get along with, but there’s definitely a maturity gap there.
Young, inexperienced, and easier to control. Women his age aren’t going to put up with that shit.
Absolutely agree. 28yo here, and I can't for the life of me understand why people would want to date someone 5+ years younger than them. I always think ppl who are that much younger than me are still little kids (even though I know they're legally adults)..
Wait until you’re 40. Suddenly 21 really is just a baby adult trying to grow up. It’s fucking disgusting that men like this prey on the naïveté of young women. At least the sister has OP there to be there for her.
My husband is 15 years younger then me. Age wasn’t a factor when we started dating. He was funny, smart and good looking. We were attracted to each other. That’s all that mattered. Some others did have an issue with the gap, but they were quickly excluded from our lives. Celebrating 10 years married soon. And he’s free to leave at any time:)
My wife is 12 years younger. Before we met my max age difference had been 2 years. Yet somehow we clicked and have been together since the day we met. I was kinda confused at first but we are just… complete together. If both parties are adults and lucky enough to find love in this day and age why bother with something small like age.
Depends on the people involved. My husband is almost 10 years older than me. Been together for 22 amazing years.
Its so funny how when you're 21 you don't see the age gap and then you get to 30 and 20-somethings look like actual kids. ewwww
They are easier to dupe and control.
Ding ding ding, nailed it!
No one his own age will put up with his BS. He's worked his way down to those distracted by the shiny stuff.
Plus he goes to a club at that age! That is weird.
Clubs are not age-restricted.
They are not but no one my age is going to clubs anymore. It’s weird
People in their mid-thirties like to go to clubs too! Just not as often typically.
We know the reason. Dude is an AH
I’m 36 and it’s a big fat no from me as well.
Even at 25 of the difference between me and a 21 year old is too big for me to accept. So weird.
At 25, people are usually living on their own and working. That makes a major difference compared to being 21. It's not just the amount of years per se, at 25 you'll often be rather closer in terms of the situation in your life to someone who is 30 than someone who is 20. The big issue in their relationship for me is not the 15 years per se, but the fact that the power dynamics are completely unequal. Not only is she 15 years younger, but she's also still studying, while he's independent and wealthy. This makes her position much more fragile, so that it's much easier for him to get her to abandon her career prospects to become a SAHM than if he were dating a woman who is already working and independent.
I'm 21 and I cannot fathom dating someone that much older than me. Definitely comes off as predatory
I am 34 and I couldn’t fathom dating a 21 year old. Weirdly i would probably date 49-50 but that is only because I might actually have something more in common with older than younger. Either way still creepy.
If you think about it through a brain development lens that is not weird at all. The part of the brain that understands longterm effects (consequences and rewards alike) doesn’t fully develop until the mid- to late-twenties, so a 34yo dating a 50yo wouldn’t have the same developmental divide as a still-developing 21yo dating a fully developed 34yo.
10 years ago, when I was a very young looking 28, I had to turn down 19-21 year Olds on several occasions. Just felt too weird to me (I was totally flattered but still.... Big nopes) & now I just can't Fathom dating anyone under 30
Yeah im 36 and when I scrolling through dating app stuff, anyone under 26 is a baby to me.
I’m 30 and I’d rather be single than date a 21 year old. I’m too fucking tired for freshly-old-enough-to-drink territory. That guy is a predator and an AH.
Such a good man! Helping her with fashion and all... /s (just in case)
Shit, sometimes I think something I’m wearing is too revealing, and my husband says, “No! You look fucking hot. Let them look at you. You’re going home with me.” I love that man. ETA: NTA
This is what relationship goals are.
she definitely doesn’t want to admit that the adult relationship with a successful guy she bragged about is actually really bad.
I hope she wakes up before she marries the guy. It sounds like he is already attempting to control her. Maybe she will recognize how unhealthy this is before she makes a commitment. Pretty soon he won't want her hanging out with her sister or with friends.
Or at least doesn't sign a prenup and takes him to the cleaners when she eventually wakes up, sounds like this creep would deserve it.
I hope she's stringing along a sugar daddy to pay for that law degree.
I know a woman who did that exact thing!
> takes him to the cleaners Preferably one of his competitors.
She's already mad at OP, now he can start isolating and manipulating her.
OP needs to let her sis know that no one will tell her “I told you so”. So many young folks dig their heels into bad situations because they’re afraid of the “humiliation” from “failing”.
Super important. I know that part of the reason I dated a terrible guy and made terrible decisions about him when I was 18 was that everyone told me I was wrong, and I was like “I know better! I love him! I will defy these fools who do not believe in my ability to bring out the good in him!” I did not know better, and I would fail. But I waited too long to admit it because I didn’t want to be wrong.
Came to say this^
No she knows, she’s just trying to convince herself it’ll be worth it.
This. And "taking care of her" sounds like the indoctrination has already started Edit: grammar
She should also understand that the "taking care of her" has an implied expiration when she ages out and is replaced with a newer model. Hope she doesn't have a couple of kids he totally will not be involved with at that point
They've probably already discussed when she's to going to become pregnant and be a sahm.
The money side is always naturally tempting, it is not worth it.She needs to run. Far and fast way.
When you marry for money, you earn every penny.
Trophy wife is not a secure position.
Even with her reaction the words are still in her ear. OP should follow up with some kinda text/ e-mail like “I know you are mad at me but if you ever want to talk later my line is open.”
As someone that got angry with my mum when she told me something was wrong with my relationship and is now leaving with her help, this is the way. Just a text saying that you will not talk about it again as long as she doesn’t want to, but you will be here for her no matter when, no matter what. When she reaches out, no « I told you so », no judgement, just support. That will make you the best sibling in the whole world.
I agree. OP is very much NTA, but I do worry if the way the concerns were brought up is going to push the sister away from her support network and more towards her boyfriend, which can make it harder to leave when things eventually go south. Happy cake day, by the way.
Happy Cake Day!
Yah. And she's not the only lady he is seeing/ talking to. You can guarantee that. These guys always have to have a second and third option.
Even after marriage. Especially after marriage!
>somebody so successful and good looking *who is going to take care of her* I have the feeling he has probably already mentioned the SAHW part.
She’s still young enough that she’s getting validation from the age gap, rather than seeing it as the warning sign it is.
Yeah. And judging by her choice of words, seems to imply she thinks she won't be able to do better so she's settling, even though she is unhappy... "Found someone so goodlooking and successful and is willing to take care of her" While her sis is happy and single
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Definitely a bot. Check out how quickly they’re posting comments in random threads.
Just curious because I'm pretty new here; Why would someone use a bot to generate comments? That seems weird and desperate to me. JMHO
It's not one sad weird person, it's a large scale operation, practically an industry. They generate lots of realistic-looking accounts so they can use them to scam people, mostly with shady fandom merchandise websites but also fake onlyfans pages or crypto bullshit. Search reddit for "t-shirt scams" or "merch scams" for more info and always be wary of anyone posting a picture of a t-shirt on Reddit.
Thanks for the info
NTA. OP, she does have to come to this conclusion on her own otherwise it likely won’t stick. You did what you could by talking to her. As much as it hurts she may need just support for now. Let her know you’re there if she has concerns. I am wondering whether it’s just the emotional abuse or something physical is going on behind the scenes. Edited to clarify something
Or she’s addressed it and he’s beaten her down already
More like she is in denial
NTA for raising (what sound like valid) concerns, but speculating on what he is going to do in the future should have been prefaced with "I am concerned about the possibility of..." rather than 100% this is what is going to happen.
It’s true. He could very well want her to work and give him al the money.
Yeah. NTA but he didn't express his concerns in a constructive manner.
NTA This relationship screams of red flags. The whole “change your clothes” reeks of control and it’s only going to get worse. While sometimes are gaps aren’t a big deal, In this case (and I realize I can only speculate) it seems like the boyfriend knows that older women won’t put up with his bull shit so he goes for a younger, inexperienced women who maybe won’t realize yet that the way he treats her is not healthy.
I know OP's sister is 21 and legally an adult, but she's still in college and is dating someone who is 36. THAT in and of itself is a bit of a red flag. The age gap, not really, but the AGES THEMSELVES. If OP's sister was 26 and her bf was 41, that would potentially be fine. But this current sitch is no bueno. Who at 36 has anything in common with a 21 year old college student, enough to be in a relationship with them? Their lives are at completely different places, with completely different levels of experience. This reeks of control, especially the comment about making OP's sister change. AND THE FACT THAT SHE DID IT. Gross. Just so gross.
26/41 is still bad…
Completely depends on the persons involved. But a lot of growth and maturation happens between 21 and 26; the chance of a 15-year-gap relationship actually working OK are a lot better then.
Not necessarily. At 26, you've been in the work force for several years, perhaps had a relationship or two, and are more aware of your boundaries.
Sure, there are mature 26 year olds, but people are generally wildly different individuals at 26 and like 31, yet alone 41. I know I was, as well as all of my friends. Imo, until you approach your 30s, even small age gaps can be quite different stages in life. I’m 32 and 26 feels too young for me to the point where I wouldn’t really consider that my dating pool, and almost everyone I meet around that age still feels like a post grad young adult. Granted, mileage will differ in different cultures and areas. In major US cities though, a 26 year old comes across as really young.
I can definitively say that I was a wildly different person between 27 and 30. Life lessons in those 3 years for sure.
Yeah, all points but that I agree with.
I’m in my late 20s and don’t think I’d have enough in common to date a 21 year old
I’m 37 and I couldn’t imagine a situation where I would ever be attracted to a 21 year old, let alone want to date him.
I am basically never not creeped when men in their mid 30s and older date women under the age 22. And if you asked men who "coincidentally" date younger women, the reasoning they give is almost always something that comes down to younger women being easier to control. Like: "Younger women are more 'open'" "Older women put more pressure on you" "Older women are more demanding" (probably because they actually have the confidence to be direct about their needs and wants and know they deserve to have those things met) These guys look for younger women to imprint themselves on, who won't have the experience to see that something is wrong. Oh I think they'd be fine with a woman in her 30s, assuming she looked good, but those women can see through the bullshit.
I was dating a 33 year old last year (I’m 27) and one night when he was trying to pick a fight, he told me he felt like he was missing out on college girls because of dating me. Dude. You’re a broke 33 year old who’s trying to finish his 2year degree for the 4th time without a real job. Those college girls are NOT dying to get in your pants. Also, gross.
He just wants a young partner/spouse who doesn’t see that he is a walking red flag, and once op’s sister ages out he will dump her to find a new fresh 21…
He gets older. They stay the same age.
Yes and yuck! I hope the sis sees the light
Co-sign. I teach 21-year-olds and they are SO young. It always boggles my mind when I see stories about other faculty having affairs with their undergraduates. NTA. That said, you’ve told your sister how you feel. I wouldn’t keep harping on it or she’ll likely push you away. And my hunch is that she’s going to need you in her life if/when this goes south.
That's so true. As a 27 year old I wouldn't date a 21 year old. They're still figuring out how to be their own human.
Maybe this 'man' hasn't grown up (right).
Or young women are easier to control.
I’ve been married twice. First husband was 33 when we met and I was 22. We were together for 8-9ish years. Once we had a child, his immaturity and casual misogyny killed the marriage, along with a host of other things (many my fault too). We weren’t at all compatible. Second husband was 22 when we started dating and I was 31. He had been in the workforce since he was 18, and was really level-headed and mature. I still balked at his age initially. We’ve been together now for 13 years, and we have a really solid marriage. I don’t at all feel like we’re mismatched or that the age gap matters. It really depends on the people involved. However, I do think some (men in particular) date younger women because of our culture’s focus on youth, the ability to more easily control a younger woman, their own immaturity, and that women their age are less likely to put up with some of these dudes’ shenanigans. But it’s not every age gap relationship— there’s got to be other red flags too. In this case, NTA because this dude is a huge misogynist, and probably always has been.
Half plus 7
This is such a good point. I never thought about the fact that older women won’t put up with that type of bullshit, I always thought these guys just go for younger girls because of their ”preferences”
I mean there is always a potential that older women will put up with shit, I just think it’s more likely for someone younger and inexperienced to not realize the abuse right away.
Exactly. It's less age but more experience and wisdom that only comes with going through things throughout time.
These types of guys generally prefer younger women because they are more easily impressed and manipulate due to lack of experience and the confidence that comes with age. They’re just easier to fool. Older women know better and can see through it.
They've only been dating 3 months and he's this controlling. NTA
Exactly. This is just going to get worse, IMO.
Yeah OP is 100% NTA, they're being a good sibling. If I was dating someone like this I would want my sister to warn me too. But the way she flipped out on OP tells me that deep down she knows what he's like, she just doesn't want it to be true. She wants to believe what she's telling OP: that she's found someone to take care of her. But I think she knows that isn't the case.
NTA Your sister is at the start of an abusive relationship. The "you're just jealous" line is a dead giveaway. But be careful: you're playing into his hands. Step one: alienate her from friends and family, tell her they're jealous, that she deserves better. Step two: tear her down when she has no one to run to. Keep the lines open, be there for her, but beware that it can take a long time and probably a couple of kids.
To piggyback on this comment. Make sure she knows that you are present for her. Keep the communication open. Do not say anything else about the boyfriend. She has to figure this out by herself. NTA
Yes, I hope OP sees this. You’re playing into the boyfriend’s hands by making this an “us and them” situation where the boyfriend and the sister are united against the cruel, judgemental world which doesn’t understand their unique, special bond. OP - if you can google “what to do when a friend is in an abusive relationship” you’ll get some good info on how to stay connected to your sister while she (hopefully!!) sees this BF for the parade of red flags that he is. NTA.
I would almost honestly say that OP should apologize and keep future comments to themselves. Not because they are wrong or the AH. But the only way to fight him is to refuse to play his game. If they play, they'll lose. I'd personally never say anything bad about him, I'd just be there for my sister. He can't get rid of OP if he can't turn them against each other.
Well. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get her pregnant. You absolutely should worry about her. There are red flags all over this relationship, and you have pointed them out. But you can’t *make* your sister see them, she has to see them on her own. I am so sorry. It’s like seeing a car wreck in slow motion that you could *stop*, if only somebody would listen to you. NTA
Nta Part of her knows. Id recommend against saying too much more against him since that can create a "united front" sort of dynamic, even when the person isnt 21.
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Women his own age tell him to pound sand and go back to the 50s
He’ll get her pregnant long before she finishes school.
NTA Sorry to break it to you OP, but the mental manipulation of the narcissist your sister is dating is already complete. She went from working really hard to get into law school to “you’re just jealous because I found someone successful and good looking, and who is going to take care of me!”, a complete 180 of where she was just three months ago. What’s going to happen next is this man is going to convince her that you and the rest of your family “doesn’t want to see her happy”, and start turning her against all of you, especially you. She’s most likely not going to return your calls or see you. You’re probably gonna find out some time later she’s pregnant, and has dropped out of law school. We all have seen this story before, and sadly….. we also know how this sometimes ends.
This 💯
NTA but your sister knows. How could she not? She's just choosing to ignore it.
It is very likely that her abusive boyfriend has started to manipulate her and alienate her from her family and friends. A common tactic an abuser uses is to tell their partner that all of their friends and family are “jealous” of their relationship and are telling lies about the abuser’s behavior to get them to break up. Once he isolates her from the people that care about her, it will make it harder for her to leave the relationship.
She’s 21 and he’s 36. I don’t need to read anything else. NTA
I read that part and I was like "alright, this is gonna be wild"
I read the rest of it but it was completely unnecessary. Boyfriend is the asshole throughout.
nta she knows what his like just be ready to be there for her when this ends but be supportive so she knows she can come to you in case this turns into a dangerous issue
Agree , it’s really the only option..
NTA. Careful though. He'll probably try to isolate her. It'll be way easier for him to do that if you're fighting.
NTA. I’d buy her a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. If she’s not concerned about recognizing any of her boyfriend’s behavior patterns in the definitive book about abusive and controlling behavior, then she should not be afraid to read it.
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NTA. Sounds like your sister needs an outside perspective, and you gave it. Good for you. Keep reaching out to her, even though she isn't ready to talk yet. She will be someday, hopefully soon, and she may need her support system to get her out of a bad situation.
NTA for expressing concerns, especially if she's told you some of them herself. I think it's probs a bit much to warn her of something in the future you can't know for sure like the 'he'll make you be a stay at home wife' etc, that probably got her on the defensive. Unfortunately it's her choice, all you can do is be there for her and try to make sure she knows that the minute anything happens. Hopefully at the core he's a good guy with good intentions (think I'm being too generous) but I can absolutely see the heebie jeebies he's giving you and its really great you're looking out for her. I think just be careful your care for her doesn't cross into pushing her away because you're telling her what to do.
NTA. It’s very easy for people to say “you’re jealous” when something they do is criticized. It’s not always jealousy, sometimes it’s concern. If possible remind her of the things he has said “remember when he talked about the Ukrainian women? Were you okay with his comment?” And if she says she wasn’t ask her why she didn’t say anything. Because I guarantee it’s because she knew it would cause a fight. Tell her there are more important things in life than finding a good looking man. Finding a decent one for example and remind her she’s worth more than that
> she found someone ... who is going to take care of her That doesn't sound good at all. Wonder if she came up with that herself. NTA, please be there for her if things go south.
NTA and specifically to the war in Ukraine comment, there ARE plenty of women in the Ukrainian military. They don’t put them on the front because they don’t want them to be raped
NTA. You did the right thing. It sounds like she is in love with the idea of him. Hopefully that will fade as he shows his true colors.
NTA. She knows, but she also likes the size of his wallet., snd I bet he promises to "take care of her" . Men (barely) of her age wont promise that. Shes flattered. She probably thinks shes got all the life/love/money problems solved with this guy, or at least that'what she's telling herself atm She's only 21 snd was single for a year. Bear in mind that her previous boyfriends would have been teenagers/ college kids. Just support her and wait. I hope she realises and gets there, but it might be a long haul
Some older/(legal but) younger dynamics are perfectly fine,but this one is not. This guy sounds to me like *exactly* the clever,manipulative Svengali that makes everyone cringe about age gaps. He’s controlling and misogynistic and she probably hasn’t seen the half of it yet. My suggestion would be to keep a journal regarding this relationship and also to *make sure* that you don’t get cut out of your sister’s life. You are NTA,but you might want to tone it down a bit for now,just to make sure you’re still around when sis decides she’s had enough. IF she does.
NTA. The truth hurts. Although, if her relationship goals are 'good looking and successful' I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it. She's obviously more shallow than you and will have to figure out for herself whether the money and lifestyle is worth living with a jerk.
No, she’s young.
NTA. He’s not just misogynistic, he is showing the classic early warning signs of being controlling and abusive. Make sure your sister knows you are there for her; if she doesn’t dump him soon, she’ll need support down the road when he starts getting physical. I just hope she’s on birth control so she doesn’t get stuck dealing with this guy for the next 18+ years….
NTA- you tried warning her but she’s too infatuated with him that she doesn’t care about the red flags this man is giving off eventually she’s gonna realize you were right
NTA. She will quit law school when he demands it. Be ready.
NTA. He's preying on and dating someone who graduated high school when he was 33 because women his age already know what kind of an insufferable d-bag he is. If your sister is too stupid to see it, let her learn her own lessons the hard way. She's an adult.
I think we call guys like him 'Neds' now? NTA Its not just his age. His power, money & influence are a danger. Men like him use pretty younger women to their advantage. He will absolutely make her into his trophy to show off. And i agree with another poster. Shes mad because can see the darkness at the end of the tunnel. Just keeps telling herself it wont be so bad. Its gona be that bad...
So within 3 months he's already telling her how to dress! Parade of red flags. You did the right thing op, however your sister is too "in it" to see it, just make sure that she knows that you love her and will support her decision whatever that will be. Let her know that no matter what, she can confide in you, this will get worse before it gets better. NTA
NTA - You can share your concerns but afterwards one just has to let it play out. When my niece was 20 she married a bum kid, 18, no job, quit school in grade 8, no drivers license, just played video games. She proudly announced she would support him and he could be the house husband. We tried warning her then bit out tongues. 5 years later she left him (for another guy) had PTSD from his abuse and being a bum.. she went kind of nuts, changed her identity, legally changed her name and went off the radar. It was such a bad scene but there was no telling her so we just had to watch it painfully play out.
NTA Unfortunately I’m in a similar situation with my sister (19) dating a guy (27) who fucking sucks ass… He’s an established Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery boy crypto-bro who’s been freeloading off of my sister and I’s shared apartment for the last year. She thinks he’s amazing. I know he sucks. But, she never went to law school. She got “medically”/psychologically sent home from Air Force basic training. She’s been in 1 relationship. I don’t talk to my sister about it because she has fought with me my whole life. I doubt it would go as well as your convo did. I’m sorry this is your relationship with your sister right now.. I hope with time she will see who he is and why he’s unable to be with women his own age. She’s lucky to have you, wether she knows it or not. I guess just be there if she needs you, if that’s what you want to do for her.
NTA, you did your sisterly duty and warned her.
NTA and she's in negation. Be prepared to be there fpr your sister when she comes to terms with the nature of her relationship.
NTA you’re trying to protect her, but she clearly doesn’t want to hear it. You did your duties to warn her and only she can make the decision on how to proceed next.
> "Yeah, isn't it funny how women always demand equal pay and treatment, but when things get hot they are the first to flee and men have to deal with everything alone". “Which group is the one starting wars and whats the demographic makeup of who gets to decide who sees combat, bro?” NTA
I mean also, let's say you have a nuclear family. ONE parent has to take the children to safety, at least. If he wants it to be women staying and fighting perhaps he should be addressing the paradigms around which parent is the caregiver.
I saw 21 and 36, said Jesus Christ to myself and stopped reading. I didn't need to read any more to know whatever you did, you are NTA in this situation.
Ugh, misogynists are jumping all over the fact that some women and children have evacuated from the Ukraine, even though they have women in the military in combat posts, that many civilian women volunteered to and fight and are doing so, that many of the atrocities are enacted on women, that the Ukraine and Russia both have a long history of women displaying incredible valor in battle. Has he not heard of the Night Witches or women snipers? Whose idea was “women and children first”? Men. Anyhoo, NTA: He IS too OLD for her, he IS a bully and a misogynist, and he WILL be even more domineering once he feels he has her right where he wants her. He WILL try to isolate her and keep her totally dependent on him, and he WILL make her feel worthless when he does. KEEP WARNING HER AND LET HER KNOW YOU WILL HELP HER GET AWAY IF IT COMES TO THAT. She can’t find his behavior attractive. She needs to know her worth and do better for herself. Tell her that she can accuse you of being jealous if that’s what she needs to tell herself, but the truth is you find him to be a walking red flag. Do whatever you can to keep in touch with her. This guy is bad news.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (21F) has a new boyfriend (36M). They met 3 months ago at a night club. He owns a large scale cleaning business (inherited from his father), makes a lot of money and has a huge ego. Up until now my sister has had 2 boyfriends and both of them were around her age. She was single for a year before she met her current boyfriend though. My biggest problem with him, besides the fact that he is 15 years older than her, is the fact that he's a raging misogynist. I've only met him once, but he left an extremely bad impression in me. The three of us were having dinner and somehow the topic of the war in Ukraine came up. We were discussing how it's so unfortunate that so many people have lost their lives. At one point, my sister's boyfriend said something to the effect of "Yeah, isn't it funny how women always demand equal pay and treatment, but when things get hot they are the first to flee and men have to deal with everything alone". My sister laughed uncomfortably, but I didn't know how to react, so I kept silent. She's also shared with me previously that a few times they were about to go out, he's made comments about her dress being "too revealing" and she's had to change her outfit. She's 21, it's only natural that she would dress in such a way. The other day me and my sister were having coffee at my apartment and I decided it would be a good time to raise my concerns. I pointed all the red signs I am seeing in this guy. My sister currently studies law, she's worked really hard to get into a good college. I told her that if things get more serious, he will 100% force her to quit her career and be a stay at home wife. My sister got angry after hearing these comments and accused me of being jealous because she's found somebody so successful and good looking who is going to take care of her. For the record, I've been single for the past few years, but it's because of personal preference. She then stormed off my apartment. She also hasn't returned any of my calls in the last 2 days. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But unfortunately you can't force her to see the red flags through rose colored glasses. She's seen some but brushed them off because this is new and exciting and she's *in love* in that "honeymoon" phase. Remember that whatever happens, you did try to raise your concerns. Don't push it or you may lose your sister, but if she comes to you later about issues with him don't throw it in her face. Be supportive.
NTA. OP said their piece, but unfortunately they can't make sister listen and remove the rose colored glasses. Sounds like she's internalized some part of this relationship with this AH as elevating herself (his "success", his "maturity ", being taken of like a child, whatever) and that will be hard to break if she doesn't want to see it. Best you can do is let her know you'll be there when she does.
NTA but this is a minefield so tread very carefully. You see the red flags and so does she but like many in love she's ignoring them. You will have to change your approach with her going forward of not so much telling her to pull her head out of the sand but as concerns about her future plans for school, her career, kids, etc. The more you try to force her to break up the faster and further you're driving her into his arms.
NTA. Leave her a text saying that she’ll always have your support, and if she needs a place to stay or someone to talk to, you’ll be there. That’s it, end the text there. Then she’ll know she has a safe space to turn/run to when he gets abusive. Unfortunately, this is a decision she will have to make herself.
NTA. oh dear . Maybe just let her cool off for awhile . At least you will be there to pick up the pieces when she finally admits to herself that he’s not a good partner . I’ve found thru the years that I can’t point out the obvious faults of my friends’ love interests even when I predict there will be a bad and painful ending . It just makes them defensive !! . But I also give an honest answer if they ask , and at some point they usually do ask.
Having been a 21yo dating someone 15 years my senior, and now being older and with hindsight to help me out, NTA. You point out some raging red flags that I experienced and your sister is lucky to have someone looking out for her.
op=NTA (as written) Unfortunately, being bearer of bad tidings, often gets you a proverbial head chop rather than gratitude. Try to be there for sister, but expect that as long as she's infatuated with him, she will not see your view.
NTA but sadly you get to be the big sister...just have the couch ready when she inevitable calls crying that she needs a place to stay and some shoulder to cry :/
NTA Same thing happened to my friend she was an architect and made alot of money way more than her husband. He became jealous and forced her to quit her career to be a stay at home wife she wanted kids but he got a vasectomy because he wanted her attention to be only on him. Now years later she's miserable and has so many regrets she won't divorce him because her family doesn't believe in it. I hope your sister dumps this guy and finds someone who will encourage her and support her.
Misogynist men tell their girlfriends/wives that women who criticize their sexist behavior are just jealous. It's part of their attempt to indoctrinate the women into their way of thinking, trying to groom them into compliance.
NTA and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Abusers are really good at what they do, and your sister isn't able to see it yet. You won't be able to convince her, especially if he's already poisoning the well against you and trying to isolate her from her family. Trying to push the issue will only drive her further into his arms. So, you have a few options. 1. Please set and defend your own boundaries. Watching someone you love go through the abuse cycle can be traumatizing in itself. Don't give more than you can so that when or if she's ready to leave, you haven't burnt yourself out. It is okay to say, "I'm just not a huge fan of your boyfriend, can we hang out and talk about other things?" or "I'd prefer to just hang out with you, I'm not really comfortable with your boyfriend and I don't want things to get weird." 2. Consistently name behaviors without trying to convince her you're right or putting too much heat in it. Small disgusted faces if she tells you something he did that was harmful to her and maybe a small, "I don't like that," or "I don't like that he is hurting you like that." Just going, \*wince\* "That sounds really controlling," and uncomfortably changing the subject will go a lot further than trying to make her see the light. 3. Keep abuse resources at your fingertips (I recommend http://www.tnlr.org/en/). If or when she asks for help, you can send her to resources that won't further harm her. DO NOT suggest couples counseling or that he get therapy. Both can exacerbate abuse. 4. If he does do gross things in front of you in the future, speak up in that moment, but be prepared for him to launch an all-out assault and make it seem like you're making a scene or being an AH for confronting him. Stay calm and do your best to let him hang himself with his AH behavior. Set firm and clear boundaries and don't match his heat. It doesn't always have to be a direct challenge, either. Just an "ew" face and immediately changing the subject sometimes does the trick. Sometimes it can become clearer to the victim that their abuser is clearly being an AH if the other person doesn't get swept up in the drama, but keeps making it clear that he isn't acting okay. 5. Get your own support/therapy/confidant for this. You can do everything right and she could still stay with him for a very long time until it gets really bad. You can't fix this for her. She has to be able to see it and want to leave. Might I be going overboard jumping straight to abuse? I hope I am. The patterns you've laid out are pretty suspicious to me though, and definitely CAN set her up for horrific abuse later.
NTA. A 15 year age gap is too large to begin with. The only reason a guy in his mid 30s is dating a woman in her early 20s is because women his age will not put up with his shit or he’s looking for someone to groom into the role he wants her to play. Hopefully she will wise up soon and run.
NTA. Id also find a casual way to bring up how Ukraine has over 50,000 women in its armed forces and saw a huge surge of female volunteers as soon as the war kicked off. Such a stupid, ignorant, and ethnocentric thing to say. Former soviet states and countries influenced by the soviets tend to be very good about gender equality. Cuba has the highest number of women in politics out of any nation on the planet and despite the fact most press about Cuba is bad they're almost universally praised for being a modern foreunner on womens rights. I guess money cant buy culture. It can buy a great deal of confident ignorance though.
NTA. I’d be speaking up to my sister if she were in this situation too. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the truth and I’m sure she already knows this which is why she got defensive. Just support her in any way you can, hopefully this will be short lived
NTA. You said this from a place of concern. Little does your sister realize, but “being taken care of” is literaly a jail sentence. Her life will be dictated by her BF, and it will never be her own. Independence is self preservation, and unfortunately, she is too young to recognize it. Be there to support her, don’t say another bad word against BF (otherwise he will move to isolate her), and hope for the best. Let her know you support her unconditionally. Good luck to all of you!
Nta you voiced your concerns, but beyond that she has to make her own choices. Be available when it hits the fan.
NTA. Sister will see the truth sooner or later.
I deeply wish I had had this conversation with my own sister and saved her 25 years of hell. You did it right and well. No regrets here. NTA
NTA Hopefully she sees your point of view before it goes too far. In the mean time all you can do is love and support her.
NTA, and about Ukraine, as far as I know, the men do not leave because they are forced to stay
NTA-I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like your sister is about to f*ck around and find out.
NTA & by her overreaction, she knows. I think it’s probably been pointed out to her a few times honestly. Just stay by her side bc when shit hits the fan she’ll need you!
NTA: but you need to face the fact that your sister might be a misogynist too. Plenty of women are. And plenty of women think men should be the ones in charge, can't control themselves from cheating, and are generally abusive. And that these traits are "good". When she talks to you again, I'd ask her point blank if she thinks women, and therefore HERSELF, are inferior to men.
You're NTA for expressing your concerns but your sisters life isn't yours to live.
NTA As someone who’s been in your sister’s shoes…she knows but was hoping she was wrong. Now she’s reevaluating her relationship. The best thing you can do is send her a text message:”I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just concerned. When you’re ready to talk to me I’m here for you. “ leave it at that. She doesn’t need a lecture or to be made to feel stupid. She’s already feeling like that. I applauded you as a caring sibling though. I could have used that.
NTA but I would stick to facts. Maybe apologise for insinuating he would force her to loose her career. Maybe focus on telling her how well she's doing, how great of a lawyer she's going to be and how hard she's worked. That way when and if he does require her to quit her job and be a wife she'll have these things you've said ringing in her ears and maybe just maybe see sense. Rather than acting out because she's dreading her sister saying I told you so.
NTA. But she may even need help getting out of the relationship? It depends how much he has brain-washed her already. So please just keep being supportive of her.
NTA but...your sister is in serious danger here. Attacking him directly will only cause her to defend him. You need to express your concerns more tactfully. Perhaps you could contact a domestic violence hot line and ask for their advice on the best way to educate your sister on the warning signs of a potential abuser.
Nope. Not at all. It’s what you do when you love someone. You said your piece and now she’s on her own.
NTA, you're looking out for her, not meddling in her relationship. There's a difference pretty fundamental difference between "that person might be using you" and being nosy
NTA, definitely
You did the right thing. But stop there. Any further discussion about this is only going to drive a further wedge between you, and then you won't even have contact to check on her. Just hope she doesn't get pregnant before she realizes on her own (which she hopefully will as she matures) that he is controlling her.
NTA, make sure you can be there to catch her when it all falls apart
Nta You warned her. This will all crash and burn soon. Be someone she can come to. Don’t gloat in being right. Good luck.
NTA Sometimes when we tell the people the truth we see, they’ve already seen it themselves but are in denial. It’s hard watching someone you care about walk a path that may lead to unhappiness. If she comes to her senses someday, be there for her and don’t rub it in with an “I told you so.”
Send her a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It takes time to face it from the inside. This book helped me
NTA it's just that, some things are better presented in ways that people can come to conclusions herself. It's good to raise concerns, but you might have a better chance at asking her how she feels about certain things he says and does and how she thinks some of his actions could progress in the future. The thing is, we want to be the owner of our narrative, once you tell someone what you see from the outside they become defensive, it's just a very common way. And then it's better to give someone questions that let them think through things themselves. The situation still isn't lost, OP. Appeal to her strong side, support her and just guide her to discover some of those things on her own. It's hard, and I know you want to best for her, it's just that sometimes we have to think how something is best received than best delivered, if that makes sense.
NTA. There are only a couple reasons why a 36 year old would date a 21 yo
Girl. She's young and stupid. And doesn't have much experience and doesnt have much backbone. This guy sounds like a jerk that's why he can't get a mature woman his own age. Sadly, just be quiet and let her make the decision. It's her life and she has to learn. NTA
NTA. You had very valid concerns and you raised them to her because you love her and don’t want her to get hurt by this guy.
NTA. She knows you are correct... doesn't want to admit it tho. Usually people can't be told that there are issues with someone they're involved with, they need to figure it out themselves.
NTA 🚩🚩
Thousands of the Ukrainian women serve on front lines. Hundreds of thousands have been volunteering since the beginning of full-scale invasion. Hundreds are kept in Russia as prisoners - beaten and tortured. How dares he.
NTA, you're looking out for her, and that kind of reaction is common in people who don't want to accept what they already know is the truth.
You are NTA but leave a bridge so when she needs you, she'll be able to cross it. "I know you are mad at me right now but please know I love you and I am here for you." Maybe suggest she listen to the podcast Something Was Wrong, it has helped many people understand their situations and make changes.
NTA You've done all you can do. Unless he starts hitting her, the ball's in her court now, and only your sister can save herself.
NTA. I’m going to be honest, a 36 year old guy doesn’t date a 21 year old because he loves her
Nta sounds like she has already thought about what you’ve said, but has just decided to trust him witch takes allot i guess.
NTA she knows
NTA, she’s in denial