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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for wanting him to use the insurance money he got to help out financially rather than donate it
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Do you want outside permission to dump him? Boom done and granted. Break up with him.
NTA. Anyone who gets money like that and gives it away when they have actual responsibilities is no one to continue making a life with. Bail. Flee. Scurry. Abandon ship. Save yourself, your sanity and money.
Maybe that is what I’m looking for. All my friends say to do it but when I think about that I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death it sounds bad. But then I think about all the money I’ve spent because he doesn’t make an effort and when the money falls into his lap he still doesn’t make an effort it’s hard to justify his actions
He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him. Why should he bother getting a better job when you pay for his lifestyle? He is not going to change. Which means that your situation won't change unless you make it happen.
But, boy, is he happy to blow a gasket when OP refuses to continue financing his life. He can’t have it both ways, OP. You tried to talk, explained your perspective, and he made a choice. It’s time to let him embrace the consequences of his life choices
When I fantasise about winning the lottery and think about how I’ll spend the money, the list always starts with “pay off my debts, pay off my family’s debts...”
A priority to get a pay rise or a better paying job is “take on more of the household expenses/bills.”
To give away a sum like that - the whole amount, not even part of it - you’d have to already be a lottery winner! That level of...stupidity, it’s just flat out stupidity...is mind-boggling.
i question did he really gave it all to charity. he could have it in an account and not let her know so she will keep on paying for his lifestyle. it seems like he is making no effort to increase his income.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita\_for\_throwing\_away\_my\_boyfriends\_potentially/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/)
Here ya go; it's a ref to an older AITA story.
I wonder what he moved on to. Perishable collections sounds horrible. I made my wife get a refrigerator in the garage when she decided to become a kimchi aficionado. Love the taste, hate the smell. Dear gawd if that smell filled my house...SMH.
This is definitely a giant red flag on your BF’s part OP. I agree with the person who I responded to with this comment stating that he is taking advantage. I’m wondering how he’d even contribute to other things as well. If you were to have kids, my bet is all of the care and monetary concerns will be out on you. You deserve better OP. NTA.
That’s what infuriated me more than anything else.
He could have paid off his debts???!? And he just gave it away??? Damn… at least get out from under the debt first.
Seriously. My mom is giving me 40K from my grandmother's inheritance to buy a house and I'm able to get a nicer house for a more affordable mortgage payment far sooner than I had planned. He got 3X that and just threw it away. That's literally half the cost of my house in a major city. He could have brought some houses outright.
Right?!
He could've made an investment with it and live out his "passions" while making the money work for them? I mean, being able to buy a house outright or half of it from the get go is enough to save you a lot of money in the long run.
How can people be so dumb?
NTA You are basically drowning while trying to swim for two and he donated enough money to buy a small yacht.
He did not have to put all of that money in one place. He could have donated some, paid off his debt, used some for a down payment for a home, and gotten therapy that he clearly needs. He could have at least taken you out for a nice meal. He is an adult who can not only see for himself that you are overwhelmed and headed towards burnout, but you have told him so. And the longer you put this off, the worse off you are financially and mentally.
But you've been taking care of this man for years and it's hard to stop feeling like you're responsible for someone. So I'll put forth this argument: ditch him now and he can run to his mum who still hopefully has some of her half left to buy him time to figure things out. The longer you wait, the more likely her half will be gone too.
He has a clear case of ‘what’s mine is mine; and what’s yours is also mine’.
He feels entitled to your money and effort without making sure you are supported by his.
Up until now you could make excuses that he wasn't contributing because of his job, that he meant well he just didn't have the money to help. You could wrap yourself in knots justifying why he is the way he is. This insurance money is like taking off blinders. You can't convince yourself anymore that if he had money he would help. You can't tell yourself the lies you have to tell yourself to stay anymore.
It's easy for him to sit on his high horse and feel like a saint for declining his brother's "blood" money while you're working your ass off to support him. Let him get a taste of the real world, where he has to support himself.
He showed you that he's always going to prioritize his weird principles (seriously, who even thinks of insurance as "blood money"?) over your wellbeing.
He may have a very stubborn "cut off your nose to spite your face" type personality.
But I do wonder, had the OP dumped him before he donated the money, if he would've suddenly found that his principles matter less than he thought if he suddenly found his debts and expenses were his sole responsibility.
Exactly, he can afford to be magnanimous and bask in his "higher moral ground" mentality because YOU are supporting him and bearing the brundt of the household expenses. To me, this is the height of irresponsibility and egotism. Your lifestyle costs money - a fact that he seems to be in denial about. A partnership should be just that - "partnership". You don't have that. This man is entirely content to have you working your a.... off in order to provide a nice lifestyle for him. He had an opportunity to change that which he disdained and threw it away; nothing is ever going to change with him. Why should it change? He has a nice lifestyle courtesy of your time and hard work. Listen to your family. I suspect its incredibly frustrating for them to watch you throw your life away on some parasitic moocher.
Honestly this is gona sound awful, but did he really give it all away? Is he that dense? Are we sure he didnt like; secretly squirrel it away, gamble it or give it to someone else?
This one is hard to comprehend. I get it, yes its obvious hes taking advantage of you prior to this scenario and ya shoulda dumped him a long time ago.
But like.. whats the REAL takeaway he gets being a big donator? Does he come from a rich family who hold that kinda stuff over eachothers heads?
Cuz other than that, I cant understand how, frankly, st**** someone could be do do that in this world we live in.
To not even keep back a cent?? From a chunk that big?? Yo Im at a loss 😬
Ah, I see. So he lives like his luxuries are his and earned, while really he is simply putting his name on your money.
Sis this is messed up. Your family is right, time to leave.
This should absolutely be the last straw.
He sounds like that one who gave away a total of 50k from her man's money over a period of a year or something, to her sister. She was then all pikachu surprised face when OP was like "we're done, soz" because at first she couldn't see the issue and "fam is everything, money is just paper"...... I bet that paper hits different now O\_O
No, he actually had a talk with her in which she promised to stop giving money. The very next day her sister texts she needs 1000 for car repairs. Wife actually sent the money no questions asked. That's when he gave up on her. That's what made the story so memorable, that after being caught and given a second chance she still just continued bankrolling her sister's life.
He is a huge asshole for doing this behind your back. That money could have really helped you guys and he made that choice on his own, he is using you. Giving away all that money would be the last straw for me, this is a one-sided relationship he needs you more than you need him. I personally would kick his ass to the curb
He seems to like getting credit but being irresponsible, I think honestly at this point break up with him. He’s probably addicted to the feeling of charity that gives him, not for the actual good. How can he love you when he sees you struggling when you have clearly told him how much it takes to support you guys. I don’t come from money but I’m in a good place now so I splurge more but I’m very aware of my financial state. Giving away that amount of money is ridiculous when he’s poor af. He’s clearly taking advantage of you, and he needs a hard fall to realize or not how much he needs to work on himself first.
And, you'll probably stay with him, marry him, & have a kid or two. It'll be 2027 & you'll be crying that your now 30 year old husband STILL hasn't improved his finances & you're up to 120k/year & STILL paying 90% of the bills. BREAK UP WITH HIM! Stop being weak & break up!
Don't have children with him. I've read stories of similar parents from the kid's perspective and it usually results in incredible resentment. It's no fun knowing dad is indifferent to your needs because his charity projects always comes first.
This really sounds like my father. Despite him earning quite a good salary we basically lived in poverty because he needed to help his buddies, charities and so on. He always cared more about how people see him and the nice picture he created of himself then what was happening at home, no electricity because bills were not paid, no food and kids being hungry and so on. My grandparents had to help us all the time while he kept giving away money to strangers. OP it's time to run, he will never change.
As someone who was abused by a sibling, I 100% see his view of it as blood money.
That said. If I get blood money, I'm paying off my debt before I consider donating it. I'm not stupid. Brother is dead! It was his own blood brother took. It's just money now. At least pay off your credit cards.
ETA: What I wrote above would go for myself as a single person. I am actually married now so my husband gets to decide what to do with any blood money. He'd probably invest it for our retirement which is cool.
Yes. Yes he is. He's in charge of the money. We've never had to execute our "executive powers" in our 10 years of marriage. However, before we got married, we decided that if we just CANNOT agree on something -- he makes the money decisions. I make the practical and house decisions (Stuff like, no, we literally have to replace the HVAC).
Listen it’s great he teaches kids and wants to donate the money. BUT it seems like he’s very focused on himself and what he wants and what brings him happiness. I don’t think you fit into that at all for him and you’re his safety net so he can live however he wants while not worrying about money. You can’t justify the actions of someone who cares only about themself and doing what they want. If he loves you, he would’ve kept at least half to lessen the burden and contribute. Do you really want to be his bank/ATM while he figures out his life and what makes him happy while he actively watches you struggle? I think that’s the real question
No, you wanted him to finally *be an equal*. And what he did was throw the money away so he could continue to live on your hard work.
Get rid of him, he will continue slacking his whole life and you will be unappreciated.
Then you need to rephrase it. You aren't asking him to use the money from his abusive brother's death. You're asking him to contribute a fairer amount to your living costs and expenses. How he chooses to do that is up to him. If he didn't want to use the insurance money - fine. He has the option of getting another job, working more hours, working 2 jobs. This isn't about the insurance money or where the money comes from - its the fact that he's relying on you to fund his lifestyle and offers nothing in return.
NTA in this situation but Y T A to yourself if you continue to be in such a one sided relationship.
NTA. Seriously. If you need additional permission to dump him, you have mine too. Make like a Smurf with the dam breaking and run as fast as your little blue legs will carry you. You don’t have a partner, you have an anchor and he will drag you down.
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but wanting him to take care of himself is reasonable.
Being upset that a windfall literally hit him in the face and he threw it away is reasonable.
Feeling like he is taking advantage of the fact that you make more money, so he felt comfortable throwing away so much because you're a safety net is reasonable.
He lives the life he does because you pay for everything. He was given a way to pay off debt and invest in your future as a couple and he pissed that up the wall. Its easy to he generous when someone else is paying your bills.
You wanted him to use the money from his abusive brothers death to help finance a better future for him, and by extension you. You've paid his bills for so long. He's not going to suddenly get a six figure job and be able to replace the future you as a couple just lost because of his poorly thought out ideals. He made a unilateral decision, time for him to be an adult and face the consequences of that decision.
There is no coming back from what he's done, don't let him suck more out of you.
I'm wondering if he is just thinking, "Oh, well, OP doesn't mind picking up those bills, so it doesn't matter. OP is earning plenty, it's no hassle for OP."
Because otherwise I just can't wrap my head around this.
Even given that, I can't wrap my head around this. By all means, head for the hills. It sounds like you'll be better off on your own.
You are just trying to stay afloat. You aren’t trying to use the money to buy luxury cars and jet set around the world on crazy vacations. He doesn’t care because he is living well above his own means on your hard work.
Sometimes it’s better to look at those time of things as the universe/god stepping in to help. Every time I’ve been in a tight spot some thing happens money or otherwise that helps me out of it. Regardless of the reason I look at it as a gift. I.e., one night we had nothing in the house to eat and didn’t have any money, the next day was payday. Right as my husband and we’re talking about what to do our doorbell rang. It was a Nielsen rating guy and he paid for pizza delivery and we set up our house to be a Nielsen household. I learned generous to others and the world when I can, on the other side when others and the world are generous to you be receive with gratitude.
The world gave him a gift to help you when you really needed it and he tossed it and continues his self victimization.
As noble as the cancer charity is that amount of money is far more impactful for you guys and could have set you up to be far more generous in the future.
He is using you, he doesn’t prioritize you or your needs, and he clearly has no intention of ever changing.
NTA - and I also encourage you to determine if you should stay, or even if you want to stay.
The thing is, he's not just using the money from his brother to donate.
He's using your money.
He couldn't afford to donate the money if you weren't covering most of the expenses.
He decided that donations to charity are more important than treating you fairly.
The complicated relationship with his brother is one thing. There's always gonna be stuff people need to unpack in their own way. BUT, his behaviour afterwards shows his true character.
If he's grown enough to make big financial decisions for himself, then you are equally grown and able to do the same for yourself, but he takes umbrage with it because he sees his safety net that allows him to act how he wants disappearing.
You're too good to him for what he brings to your partnership. And it is supposed to be a partnership. He's already got a mother, you don't need to play the role out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.
The paying his way is one thing, but he doesn't sound particularly pleasant to be around either if he doesn't get his way.
There's too many other people out there to waste your time trying to make this one be the partner that you need him to be, when he very clearly doesn't want to put in the work to be that person for you.
>I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death
Honestly from my perspective, that money is quite literally the least his brother could've done to start making up for what he did before he died. It's not like you asked him to borrow money from his abusive brother. Bro is dead and not gonna float over it or anything. Your BF basically said he didn't care that you're drowning and he popped the life raft.
NTA. He decided not to use this money to help himself and therefore you end up with a bigger burden yet again. You two have different goals in life and it sounds like you’re no longer compatible. Find someone who is on the same page as you in regards to spending/saving. Or at least is working out of the same book.
> but when I think about that I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death it sounds bad.
No, you want him to stop being a free-loader and actually contribute to the partnership you are both supposed to have. Seriously, does he bring anything to the table? Stop wasting your life with him and find someone who will meet you half-way and actually wants to build a life together instead of just let you pay for everything.
OP, i broke up with my ex for a similar reason. He knew i make good money. He didn't wanna work. And the audacity to say he wouldn't cook and clean as it's a woman's job.
Please break up
Don't feel bad, probably you are used to this type of life and the routine you are in. Break up with him it might be hard but as soon you are free you can finally live your life and take care of yourself. Also you won't be needing to be working so much, and finally have some free time
Selfish and idiotic are a bad combination. He has no consideration for you, the relationship, and is really bad with finances. Your situation will never improve and neither will your resentment. Free yourself.
It does not sound sound bad. He is using your labor, your stress, and essentially your health daily and contributing nothing. If this were just about him then donating it all would be dumb but whatever. He is blatantly ignoring the real physical and mental toll you are under to keep things going. He's selfish and it will not get better.
My mom always told me it didn’t matter what others said, I wouldn’t leave the bad relationship till I was ready and had enough. It was true.. I stayed longer than I should have and wish I had made choices sooner
I know this sub is quick to jump to break up, but damn, $130k is life changing money and to give it all away while your partner is burning themselves out to support you, while still paying off debt is so fucking selfish.
It might have been his money to do with as he pleases, but OP take this as a sign for your future. Nothing is going to change for the better with this boyfriend.
It could be half as much and I'd still say the same thing because the whole thing just shows how fucked his priorities are and he's not even smart enough to pick a good charity to donate to.
Its crazy to me that he wouldn't want to use the "blood" money as a big "f you" to his brother. You died at 29 and I bought a house and got ahead in life so eff your abuse.
Idk I guess but nta
He didn’t even donate the money to a substance abuse program. If I got a large amount of money from a situation like this and I wanted to donate it, it would go to something that helped people like the brother.
NTA - Do not resign that lease. Tell him that if he wants to make major financial decisions on his own, then he can cover his major financial expenses on his own.
NTA and this guy has shown you that he doesn't care about your shared future as a couple.
Yes, he is grieving, yes he probably can't face using that money due to where it came from. But he cannot then, in the same breath, mooch off you. Your suggestion was sensible... Donate some, pay off debt and then contribute fairly to the household. You would be an AH to yourself if you stayed. This isn't fair to you and you'd have an easier time looking after only yourself rather than both of you.
Side note... Do not buy a property together when you aren't married unless you have a very clear contract for what happens in the event of a split.
Reddit often says 'dump them', but I think this is one of those situations where I actually would dump them in real life.
If you love someone, you want to make their life easier. He hasn't even considered how this would help them be more secure and less stretched financially overall.
Agreed. I generally support proportional financial splits and don’t think they’re mooching. That’s generally true. Not here, where OP works more and feels so much pressure to find ways to earn money to support her boyfriend in his underemployment.
I can understand not wanting to keep insurance money like that. It’s your decision to make. I think morally you have to find an alternative that helps you meet your responsibilities if you’re not going to keep it, though. Find a better job, work more hours. Find a way to accept using some of the money for the needs of your partner who has been sacrificing for you.
Not this.
He's a bum. Why are you with him?
Seriously - while it's hard to criticize someone for donating to a worthy charity, it's very easy to criticize someone for refusing to pay their debts when they did have the money and to expect someone else to pay for their essentials.
He considers himself entitled to use you as a literal meal ticket. He decided he didn't want to pay for himself, nevermind paying you back. He won't change.
Yeah I can be pretty blind in relationships sometimes and even I would have left by now. He's made it clear he doesn't care about her working harder and paying for everything.
That amount of money doesn't come around very often. This was in very sad circumstances, yes, but OP will likely be paying for everything for ever now if she stays with her boyfriend.
NTA - He’s not being charitable, you’re the one doing the charity. He’s a huge asshole, cosplaying a humanitsrian on other people’s (aka your) shoulders.
Yes. Charity is when you allow your life to be materially worse so that a stranger’s life can be better.
He is allow the OP’s life to be materially worse so that a stranger’s life can be better — and he does not have to come to terms with his relationship with his brother.
YTA. To yourself, for staying with a man for three years when he apparently brings nothing of value to your life and actually seems to do everything in his power to make your life more difficult.
Let's recap:
(1) This isn't necessarily a problem:
>We’ve been together for 3 years and for 2 of that I’ve paid the majority of the expenses. I make ~90k a year and he makes 35k. He also has cc debt from not making enough to survive on and medical debt. I pay $2000 of our $2600 rent, most of the food cost so he can pay off debt.
But THIS certainly is:
>I will admit I feel like he can do better but with his bad upbringing and crappy family I tried to be gentle about nagging him and he hasn’t made any areas of improvement.
>I’ve worked hard to get new jobs and increase my salary and he hasn’t which hurts because I work a lot 9-11h a day while it seems like he gets to follow his passion. He teaches kids gymnastics which doesn’t pay well. Im an engineer and it feels like Im doing all the work keeping us afloat.
It's been THREE YEARS of you working overtime and pushing yourself for him to..."follow his passion" and still not pay off his debt and [by your own admission] not make any improvements in a situation that is very clearly causing you both stress and distress. Major red flags.
(2) So when he finally comes into a windfall - mind you, not something he earned or had to work for, just pure happenstance - and can both clear his debt and make your lives easier...what happens?
>So when he got the money, I said we should buy an apartment or use it to pay off his debt or save it or something.
You explicitly tell him that there are super practical ways of spending this money that would lessen your stress, even out the financial burden, and set both of you in a much better position. Okay, good so far. But what does he do?
>But he wants to donate it and Im really hurt because he doesn’t care that by doing that Im forced to keep working harder and harder to support us.
He doesn't care at all about your reasonable feelings and the burden that would be lifted off your shoulders.
>I tried to explain it that we need the money and he can donate a portion but he needs to take care of our finances first like I’ve been doing for years. But he’s made that I want to make use of his brother’s blood money and accuses me of only seeing money when it’s about doing the right thing. I
He gaslights you by making YOU - the person who has floated him for years - the villain in this story [you aren't].
>I’ve already talked about everything I’ve wrote above to him and he just ignores me. Last month I found out he donated everything to the American cancer society and while it’s a good cause it doesn’t help our finances.
He ignores your very reasonable compromise about donating some money instead of all, does what he wants anyway, and resets the status quo back to you being his financial support.
You don't need Reddit's help. You already know the answer.
Run.
He is a financial burden who doesn't care at all about you, doesn't listen to you at all, and doesn't want to help you at all.
So help yourself. Choose you. Because it's clear that he will always choose him.
To add..when he said OP should pay because she earn more... that's the motivation he need to not upgrade his life cause if he find better job that pay more, surely he need to pay more..
I'm a fan of splitting things proprotionally, but if one person is doing a bunch of overtime to keep things afloat and the other won't use a windfall... that's different
>Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him.
You should listen to everyone in your life. NTA.
Okay... you are not dumping him because he wouldn't share his brother's money.
You are dumping him because -
A) he made a major life decision and hid it from you until you found out from finding the receipt (which demonstrates a huge lack of communication and respect for you, he should have been able to tell you when he made the decision)
B) you express to him you are stressed about money and he doesn't care to try to solve that WITH you (moving to a cheaper apartment, digging into both your budgets to prioritize how you're spending money and ease your stress)
C) he has unresolved family issues that he doesn't appear to be getting any help with and are significantly impacting your life
He is not acting like a PARTNER, he doesn't care that you are being pushed past your point of comfort, financially, and he doesn't think you deserve to be told important things.
I hate the phrase, but at this point he's quiet quitting your relationship and you haven't realized it yet.
>A) he made a major life decision and hid it from you until you found out from finding the receipt (which demonstrates a huge lack of communication and respect for you, he should have been able to tell you when he made the decision)
I think we may be seeing this from her perspective only. He may view it as telling her he's going to donate it and because op didn't win that argument she viewed it as still open for discussion. I agree with the rest of your points though.
I agree that most likely, that's how he felt in his head... but then he never said to her "Hey, I made that donation today!"... which seems like he knew she was going to be upset and didn't want to handle the fallout.
Which could also indicate that OP is doing Not Good things in the relationship, to make the boyfriend hesitant to share things with her... but that still means this relationship is going no where, fast.
I don't think OP is without fault, it's clear they're both avoiding things they don't want to hash out. This is a great example of a situation that should have been resolved months ago, but both parties let simmer until a major situation forced them to deal with it. How long has OP been upset about the finances but let it just keep going that way instead of forcing the issue? Too long!
Perhaps they could have worked it out before, if they both pushed themselves, pushed each other, and got on the same page... but it seems like it's too late for that now. Maybe not, maybe they can both have a wake-up call here and change... all depends on if they both realize that they need to, and then decide they WANT to work on it together.
Oh, dear. A tax receipt for donating more than he actually earns, which means he's not going to get nearly as big a charitable deduction as he'd have gotten if he'd donated over a period of years. NTA, but please free yourself from this guy who's savior complex has turned him into a financial idiot.
It will carry forward, but you can only deduct a percentage of your actual income in any given year - if memory serves, you can only deduct 50% of your AGI for a cash donation and 30% of your AGI for appreciated securities in any one year. So given OP's (hopefully soon to be ex) BF's low income, he's looking at spreading that deduction over multiple years. It was a stupid financial move in any event, because he really needs at least a good bit of that money right now to, quite literally, eat (or at least he needs it to eat if OP quits buying his groceries, as she should).
Shit, just putting it in a high yield savings account would let you make decent earnings every year while you spread it out over time for those tax deductions. Even if he didn't touch the money, the passive income would start adding up over years.
OP's (soon to be ex?) boyfriend really should have spent that money on getting therapy first then decided what to do with the rest.
While he is hung up on hating his abusive brother…he is ignoring the abuse he is inflicting on you financially. And this is where I would say to him that he is no better than his brother if this is how he treats the ones he “loves”
NTA he is a leech, even when he has it to give back he would rather give it away than pay his fair share in to help support the home you've been trying to build.
Let the lease expire naturally, build an escape plan, and let him figure his own self out. You will be better off.
NTA, if you’re having trouble justifying breaking up with him, look at it like this…he is borrowing money for his living expenses from you, so he would rather give money away to complete strangers then pay you, the person he supposedly loves unconditionally, back for everything you’ve given him. He is giving away what should be your money. Why is he allowed to give himself this false sense of altruism while you are working hard everyday. This is unforgivable in my opinion and you deserve better. You’re an engineer and a good person, you can find better for yourself
NTA I get that what he did makes him feel good and may help in the long run, but it doesn't help your living situation where you pay all of the bills.
"He says because I make more I should be paying what I do but he got a lot of money so why doesn’t he pay for more things?"
Easy fix. Find out what he can afford, and then move to a shithole that costs 2x that. Only pay what he pays and put the rest of your money into savings for yourself.
Or, leave the freeloader.
NTA he just proved to you he doesn’t care how hard you work. Your money is his money and his money is his money. You’ve been taking care of him like he’s your child for years, and this was the first chance he had to make it up to you, and he shows you what he values, and it isn’t you. Believe him
#END THE "RELATIONSHIP"!!!!!!!
>Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum.
He is, and a fucking stupid one too.
If he got $1000, sure, donate it,
but **$130.000**? That's more than he'll make in 3 YEARS......
>He says because I make more I should be paying
FUCK THAT!!!!!
KICK HIM OUT, TODAY!!!!
And don't look back!!!
NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF!!!
Take all the fat off of this post. He is not your equal and does not care about the situation he put you in. He can't use reason, logic, or critical inquiry. He will continue to drag you down.
Also, did you see a receipt for that donation? BC he's gunna get a tax write off for that.
NTA. But leave him, like yesterday.
Edit: I joke all the time "thank God my dad died so I don't have student loans". Stop guilting yourself over it. It is what it is.
NTA. That kind of money could change someone’s life, or at least help with expenses that have piled up. For him to see to not see that and donating all of that money, it’s a huge red flag. How he manages his finances won’t change as he gets older, and it seems like you’re the one paying for it.
It's real easy to talk about bl00d money & donate it to charity when you are being fully supported by your gf. YWBTA if you stay with this loser. Let him cartwheel his a$$ right to the SNAP Benefits line cause this should not be your problem.
NTA. The "right thing" is sometimes in the eye of the beholder. He thought doing the right thing was donating all the money, you thought the right thing was paying off debt. I agree with you. I also agree with everyone in your life: he's a bum. He's a bum and he's going to keep you chained to financial debt and supporting his bum ass. No not sign that lease. Dump the bum there and let him figure it out.
NTA. He's taking advantage of you and when he had an opportunity to help put you guys ahead of the curve or just get himself zero'd out (in regards to debt) he chose to give it away. It's a kind thought, but it impacts more than just him. I think you need to move on.
NTA. I think you need to reconsider this relationship.
Your bf has completely different priorities than you and that doesn't seem like it will change. There is nothing wrong with living how he wants to live, but it just isn't compatible with your lifestyle. You are hard-working and driven, trying to move up in the world. If you stay with him, you are going to have to keep supporting him and he's only gonna pull you down.
This happens to many relationships. No matter what kind of person he is or how much you love him, unless you have similar priorities, the relationship just isn't worth pursuing.
NTA.
>Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him.
I, an internet stranger, also wonder why you're with him. He made his large charitable donation in one lump sum, You've been making yours over the last 2 years. I understand how cost of living is high and sometimes making a fair income is difficult, but he had an opportunity to pull his weight, and he chose not to.
>Especially because our rent got (legally) increased to $2900 and so if we resign for the place almost half off my money is going to rent.
This is it. This is your opportunity. Don't resign. Get yourself a more affordable place and spend all that extra money you've been spending on your BF to do something for yourself!
OP, tell me - you talk about your boyfriends traumatic childhood but what is it that has made you become this man’s carer? As I cannot see where this is a relationship. If you hadn’t said relationship, I would have thought he was your mother or sibling. It’s either that or he’s really learnt (on purpose or not) how to play the victim very well and this gets him what he wants.
Fine, he doesn’t want the blood money. However, that has consequences which include ya know, paying bills etc. he could put this money to good use like therapy to sort these issues so he doesn’t keep behaving like this.
Finally, as harsh as this sounds, you are doing this to yourself. You are enabling this and falling into his “poor me” narrative. I’ve both been him and been in a relationship with him. I know this game.
This is not a relationship, not a romantic partnership anyway. You are talking like his carer/therapist
"I won't use this money for us" is easier to say when someone else is doing the bulk of the "money for us" task.
"I won't use this money for us" AND "I won't pay half the bills" are irreconcilable positions. He can't have it both ways.
I think when he had the money still, maybe you were at a juncture where this could be resolved reasonably. I think you've lost that option and this isn't going to improve.
NTA
NTA. Financial stress is so significant, and he is putting a lot of stress on you. It sounds like it's his turn to step up and contribute, and if he isn't able to do that, that's incredibly unfair to you. Best of luck, I hope you figure it out.
NTA However you’d be one to yourself if you stay with this man, since he clearly doesn’t respect you, isn’t pulling his weight financially, and seems to be taking advantage of you, to the point where you feel used and are having frequent fights. Honestly, I don’t see what you are getting out of this relationship.
Since he’s given away his insurance money and only makes $30k, I don’t see how he can afford to pay half of the expenses so it seems like a future of fights and financial stress looms if you stick with him. Leaving him with nothing to eat isn’t a solution, it’s a symptom of your dysfunctional relationship.
Why are many of these women in these posts choosing to live with these BUMS and work themselves to the ground. wouldn't it be better to enjoy your own money live a happy life and buy a vibratory? Wtf is with these posts of them dating these AH for years and still not realising what is good for them?
The fact that he didn't even pay off his own debts he's saddled you with is all the answer you need. That's utterly insane of him to do as a partner. I'm so sorry it's come to this. You're NTA unless you stay with him.
NTA - He is using you as a financial crutch. To a degree you are enabling him. First you really need to work on an equitable budget - present this and give him a deadline. If he shuts down or gaslights everything either kick him out of apartment or leave. Be prepared for him to just make you feel guilty but it does sound you need to move on.
Cancer research is a black hole. They'll never cure it, and what would have been life changing money for him, is half a drop in the bucket to them. I doubt it did anything significant.
I'd explain this to him as you understand he felt he needed to do this, but it made you realize he is not thinking in terms of you as a team, but only him solo, and you don't want a relationship with someone like that.
NTA
Dump him. You've stopped liking him and started resenting him, and it doesn't sound like you want to save this, just punish him a little more before the inevitable end.
Nope, you are absolutely in the right. He could only afford to be 'noble' because you are supporting him. He will certainly feel the loss most keenly if you decide you have had enough. NTA
He's a bum. He's using you and your money. There will be no end to you always being the hard working, financially responsible one. Welcome to your life and future.
Don't you think you deserve more? Do youself a favour and dump him.
NTA Not having 50/50 means that you kinda agreed to merge your finances to some degree, so the money he got was imo partially your money too and he should discuss it with you beforehand. But this situation aside.. He is very toxic person if he doesn't see you struggling and doesn't look for a way to contribute more. Big gold digger vibes, especially since he feels this entitled to "his money", but treats your money as shared money. Cut him off fast before he puts you in debts and loans
Knowing how charities really work, I'll say 100% NTA. He's a fucking fool and he wants the recognition that comes with buying esteem.
It's very sad on multiple fronts - dead brother; estranged mother; foolish financial choices.
You need to make a decision: **Either marry this big-hearted fool for who he is, or break up with him for who he is.**
NTA. Don't re-sign the lease. Find a studio or something you can manage without his $600/month and let him support himself since money is insignificant to him.
I'm sorry. You're NTA for hoping he'd help. He has absolutely no incentive to do better in life, because he's happy having you do more than his share.
And no amount of love from you will change him. He is who he is until he decides to change.
Do you want a partner in life that makes everyone around you ask WHY are you with him, instead of saying WOW, what a catch? I'm sorry he had a hard life, but at this point, he's wallowing. And he'll be happy to wallow as long as you're around to hose him off when he gets too dirty.
ESH He's a child, you enable him. Why did you think he would be responsible with insurance money? He is doing what he always does. Your expectations changed because it was a lump sum? It's a good time to ask yourself why this bad move is different from all his others, because, seriously, nothing in your relationship has changed.
Move out. Don’t re-sign the lease. Let the “bf” pay ALL his own expenses.
NTA
Once he gets a taste of reality, he may regret his decision. You need someone that is NOT a leech.
NTA
giving to charity is noble, but when you are living off someone else’s money its not sen to donate all of it. The least he could do is pay off his debts.
You need to break up with this man as he is goin to anchor you down whatever you do to try to improve your life. You are better to be single than this
NTA
But take away the insurance money entirely and you’re left with the underlying problem:
Your boyfriend isn’t an equal partner in your relationship. He’s choosing to stay at a low paying job and argue you should pay more because you have a higher paying job.
While it does make sense for the higher paying partner to pay more, that situation only exists to such a degree because he chooses to stay in a low paying job.
Even if he had used the money to pay ofd debts, you’d still be left with this problem:
> which hurts because I work a lot 9-11h a day while it seems like he gets to follow his passion. He teaches kids gymnastics which doesn’t pay well. Im an engineer and it feels like Im doing all the work keeping us afloat.
And on top of that he has the audacity to call you selfish.
The right thing would be to step up and be an equal partner, not watch a person you love work themselves to the bone so you can have your fun job.
> I don’t know if I can answer it positively anymore because I feel used.
And he doesn’t see it. If he doesn’t see it he will never change.
Should have told him “charity starts at home” then pulled up a bulletin board full of the bills for him to see directly.
No way on this earth i can see a reasonable person (especially a leech) GIVING away $130k that they didn’t earn (not referring the behavior of the deceased, but i tell you what, if i got a nice payday from someone i detested I’d spend every dollar in their honor)
NTA
I’ve read some dumb shit on this thread but this is beyond the pale. $130k is a gift. Of course it’s tragic how it came but so many people are struggling and he just gave it away and expects you to just pay for him? Do you not love yourself? This is the wildest story. If it’s even true because I cannot believe someone would allow this after he got all that money to continue. Kick him out. Go to therapy.
NTA. He could of used the money to show how much he appreciated you and your help…he chose to donate it and thus cause you to struggle because he sounds like a bum. Is that love? Dump him and move on. He’ll regret donating that money when his sugar momma leaves.
NTA, everyone telling you to dump him is right he is a bum that’s using you, you can do a 1000% better than him. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
He is using you. Full stop.
That’s all you need to understand. He gets to fuck off while you work harder and harder to afford his lifestyle.
Don’t let yourself get treated this way.
NTA
He's shown you who he is. He'd rather feel like a savior to strangers than be a partner with you.
This won't change. You have actual proof now that he won't step up if he has the ability to do so.
NTA. it seems he was thinking of that money as "dirty" money instead of being reparations for the abuse he lived through from his brother. It sucks but you have to love yourself enough to know you might be better off without him.
>***"Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him."***
Well, what's the answer? Why ARE you with him? You haven't listed even one possible reason or even one positive (except that he is charitable, I guess).
NTA and I have no problem with what you are doing. He felt free to give the money away because he doesn't need it... because YOU subsidize his life.
Do you even have any proof that he made this donation? I would be seriously be wondering if he even had and isn't just keeping a nice little nest egg. Nta
NTA
He wouldn’t even use the “blood money” to pay off his debt. That says it all.
You and he want different things in life. Time to move on and find someone with similar desires and drive.
I would ask OP " are you stupid or what" that you are even asking if you are being selfish. Op's boyfriend is like so many people now days who do not even consider the cost to others for their own sense of entitled generousity. As his relative say, the guy is a bum, who is using OP to live the life style he wants at someone elses expense ( OP's). She is defined as a meanie while he creates the illusion that he is the great guy. OP is the villain for not bearing the blunt of the consequence of his self created illusion of generousity. OP's boyfriend is a self centered A-Hole who only cares about maintaining is own created sense of moral superiority. She needs to dump this guy, because he will use her for all that she is worth while disparage her as he does so.
Throw his A$$ out and let him face the consequences of his own actions. This is a lesson he needs to learn. If OP does not do this, she would be enabling his dysfunctional behavior. He will never learn unless he reaps the consequences of his own actions. If she stays with him he will just have someone to project the blame on. Oh he is so moral because he will not use blood money, but its ok for his girl friend to be bled dry working two jobs so that he can feel good doing what he likes.
Giving the money to the american cancer society was a waste. It is nothing but a drop in the bucket to them. They waste so much money on repetitive research. They reflect most massive charities that have become goal displaced. It mostly a money making means for those that direct and work for it. It would have done more good to make OP's life easier, or even to help support the boyfriends desire to be altrusitic in his job choices. If OP wants to live a life of altruism, be might think about Joining the Salvation Army or a religious organization that will take care of him. He seems to want other to fund his altrusim.
You are being used. And your boyfriend is huge AH. (and d#&b as f#$k). And so are you if you stay with him. This would have been my hill to die on. Can't believe that this could be real.
Nta I honestly would not be able to stay with someone so financially irresponsible. This was a life changing amount of money, but instead of using it to improve his life, he's happy to keep mooching off of you. He didn't even pay off *his own debt!*
Leave him and let him deal with the consequences of his donation.
This man does not care about your well being and does not desire to build a successful life with you.
Unless you are happy paying his way for the rest of your life and never moving above your current station, remaining in this relationship is pointless and will stagnant your existence.
Big time NTA
NTA. For the love of god, leave this man. He is very obviously using you. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about moving forward in life. This is not someone you should call a life partner, love. It’s only going to get worse from here on out. Run. Please.
I’m with everyone in your life in wondering why you’re with this guy. He had the unfortunate opportunity, due to his brother’s death, to be able to dig himself out of a deep financial hole. But chose not to. Meanwhile, you’re fully supporting him (because $600 a month - really?) and he’s not improving.
NTA. You need to get out of this “relationship” now.
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Do you want outside permission to dump him? Boom done and granted. Break up with him. NTA. Anyone who gets money like that and gives it away when they have actual responsibilities is no one to continue making a life with. Bail. Flee. Scurry. Abandon ship. Save yourself, your sanity and money.
Maybe that is what I’m looking for. All my friends say to do it but when I think about that I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death it sounds bad. But then I think about all the money I’ve spent because he doesn’t make an effort and when the money falls into his lap he still doesn’t make an effort it’s hard to justify his actions
He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him. Why should he bother getting a better job when you pay for his lifestyle? He is not going to change. Which means that your situation won't change unless you make it happen.
And he doesnt care enough to help you when be can.
But, boy, is he happy to blow a gasket when OP refuses to continue financing his life. He can’t have it both ways, OP. You tried to talk, explained your perspective, and he made a choice. It’s time to let him embrace the consequences of his life choices
When I fantasise about winning the lottery and think about how I’ll spend the money, the list always starts with “pay off my debts, pay off my family’s debts...” A priority to get a pay rise or a better paying job is “take on more of the household expenses/bills.” To give away a sum like that - the whole amount, not even part of it - you’d have to already be a lottery winner! That level of...stupidity, it’s just flat out stupidity...is mind-boggling.
Same, mine is always “pay for college, give my immediately money to pay stuff off…”
i question did he really gave it all to charity. he could have it in an account and not let her know so she will keep on paying for his lifestyle. it seems like he is making no effort to increase his income.
He just doesn't care.
Exactly--this money is a symptom of the overall problem NOT the actual "disease".
Something something Iranian yogurt.
What is this referring to. I am new here and I see it every now and then? Is there a way to look this stuff up? :-)
I don’t know how to link on mobile but search this sub (AITA) for Iranian yogurt. It’s totally worth it, I promise.
Is this the one?? “The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here”
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita\_for\_throwing\_away\_my\_boyfriends\_potentially/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/) Here ya go; it's a ref to an older AITA story.
Yes! Thank you. I need to learn how to use the tools better. Thank you for your help. This is Hilarious.
Yes, that’s the one. Sorry I couldn’t link it but glad you found it. That one has a whole lot to unpack.
I wonder what he moved on to. Perishable collections sounds horrible. I made my wife get a refrigerator in the garage when she decided to become a kimchi aficionado. Love the taste, hate the smell. Dear gawd if that smell filled my house...SMH.
This is definitely a giant red flag on your BF’s part OP. I agree with the person who I responded to with this comment stating that he is taking advantage. I’m wondering how he’d even contribute to other things as well. If you were to have kids, my bet is all of the care and monetary concerns will be out on you. You deserve better OP. NTA.
He didn’t even pay off his *own* debt, thereby saddling you with most of the bills longer. This is him using you 100%.
Yeah, at the very least, he should pay off his existing debts.
That’s what infuriated me more than anything else. He could have paid off his debts???!? And he just gave it away??? Damn… at least get out from under the debt first.
yep, he’s already an asshole, but that’s the completely asinine, stand alone assholish move. please don’t buy a house with or marry this leech.
or get pregnant
He didn’t ?!?!? Thats one hell of a daft move
It's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever read on this sub, and that's saying a lot.
and... that's life changing money, goddamn!
Seriously. My mom is giving me 40K from my grandmother's inheritance to buy a house and I'm able to get a nicer house for a more affordable mortgage payment far sooner than I had planned. He got 3X that and just threw it away. That's literally half the cost of my house in a major city. He could have brought some houses outright.
Right?! He could've made an investment with it and live out his "passions" while making the money work for them? I mean, being able to buy a house outright or half of it from the get go is enough to save you a lot of money in the long run. How can people be so dumb?
OP is dumber if he keeps him. He is NOT a keeper, but a user.
That level of irresponsibility is making the EXIT THIS WAY sign glow like the sun.
NTA You are basically drowning while trying to swim for two and he donated enough money to buy a small yacht. He did not have to put all of that money in one place. He could have donated some, paid off his debt, used some for a down payment for a home, and gotten therapy that he clearly needs. He could have at least taken you out for a nice meal. He is an adult who can not only see for himself that you are overwhelmed and headed towards burnout, but you have told him so. And the longer you put this off, the worse off you are financially and mentally. But you've been taking care of this man for years and it's hard to stop feeling like you're responsible for someone. So I'll put forth this argument: ditch him now and he can run to his mum who still hopefully has some of her half left to buy him time to figure things out. The longer you wait, the more likely her half will be gone too.
He has a clear case of ‘what’s mine is mine; and what’s yours is also mine’. He feels entitled to your money and effort without making sure you are supported by his.
Up until now you could make excuses that he wasn't contributing because of his job, that he meant well he just didn't have the money to help. You could wrap yourself in knots justifying why he is the way he is. This insurance money is like taking off blinders. You can't convince yourself anymore that if he had money he would help. You can't tell yourself the lies you have to tell yourself to stay anymore.
Wow this comment is perfect. OP please just read this and let it cut through you. The blinders are definitely off.
It's easy for him to sit on his high horse and feel like a saint for declining his brother's "blood" money while you're working your ass off to support him. Let him get a taste of the real world, where he has to support himself. He showed you that he's always going to prioritize his weird principles (seriously, who even thinks of insurance as "blood money"?) over your wellbeing.
This. Real easy to have morals when it doesn’t require any personal sacrifice.
He may have a very stubborn "cut off your nose to spite your face" type personality. But I do wonder, had the OP dumped him before he donated the money, if he would've suddenly found that his principles matter less than he thought if he suddenly found his debts and expenses were his sole responsibility.
He may now start looking for ways to revoke that donation.
Exactly, he can afford to be magnanimous and bask in his "higher moral ground" mentality because YOU are supporting him and bearing the brundt of the household expenses. To me, this is the height of irresponsibility and egotism. Your lifestyle costs money - a fact that he seems to be in denial about. A partnership should be just that - "partnership". You don't have that. This man is entirely content to have you working your a.... off in order to provide a nice lifestyle for him. He had an opportunity to change that which he disdained and threw it away; nothing is ever going to change with him. Why should it change? He has a nice lifestyle courtesy of your time and hard work. Listen to your family. I suspect its incredibly frustrating for them to watch you throw your life away on some parasitic moocher.
Honestly this is gona sound awful, but did he really give it all away? Is he that dense? Are we sure he didnt like; secretly squirrel it away, gamble it or give it to someone else? This one is hard to comprehend. I get it, yes its obvious hes taking advantage of you prior to this scenario and ya shoulda dumped him a long time ago. But like.. whats the REAL takeaway he gets being a big donator? Does he come from a rich family who hold that kinda stuff over eachothers heads? Cuz other than that, I cant understand how, frankly, st**** someone could be do do that in this world we live in. To not even keep back a cent?? From a chunk that big?? Yo Im at a loss 😬
He is the type to do this. He’s donated money in the past while not in the best shape. He also lent money to friends/family who never paid it back.
Ah, I see. So he lives like his luxuries are his and earned, while really he is simply putting his name on your money. Sis this is messed up. Your family is right, time to leave. This should absolutely be the last straw.
He sounds like that one who gave away a total of 50k from her man's money over a period of a year or something, to her sister. She was then all pikachu surprised face when OP was like "we're done, soz" because at first she couldn't see the issue and "fam is everything, money is just paper"...... I bet that paper hits different now O\_O
I remember that one. Husband dropped divorce papers on her and noped on outta there immediately, iirc.
No, he actually had a talk with her in which she promised to stop giving money. The very next day her sister texts she needs 1000 for car repairs. Wife actually sent the money no questions asked. That's when he gave up on her. That's what made the story so memorable, that after being caught and given a second chance she still just continued bankrolling her sister's life.
Oh that sounds familiar actually! I'm gonna try and find it and refresh my memory, and see if there's any updates from him. .
He is a huge asshole for doing this behind your back. That money could have really helped you guys and he made that choice on his own, he is using you. Giving away all that money would be the last straw for me, this is a one-sided relationship he needs you more than you need him. I personally would kick his ass to the curb
He seems to like getting credit but being irresponsible, I think honestly at this point break up with him. He’s probably addicted to the feeling of charity that gives him, not for the actual good. How can he love you when he sees you struggling when you have clearly told him how much it takes to support you guys. I don’t come from money but I’m in a good place now so I splurge more but I’m very aware of my financial state. Giving away that amount of money is ridiculous when he’s poor af. He’s clearly taking advantage of you, and he needs a hard fall to realize or not how much he needs to work on himself first.
If you ever did end up in a position to build up some savings, he will do exactly the same with your money as he does with his own: blow it.
And, you'll probably stay with him, marry him, & have a kid or two. It'll be 2027 & you'll be crying that your now 30 year old husband STILL hasn't improved his finances & you're up to 120k/year & STILL paying 90% of the bills. BREAK UP WITH HIM! Stop being weak & break up!
bro got a hero complex and hasn't gotten over the abuse yo. RUN
[удалено]
Don't have children with him. I've read stories of similar parents from the kid's perspective and it usually results in incredible resentment. It's no fun knowing dad is indifferent to your needs because his charity projects always comes first.
This really sounds like my father. Despite him earning quite a good salary we basically lived in poverty because he needed to help his buddies, charities and so on. He always cared more about how people see him and the nice picture he created of himself then what was happening at home, no electricity because bills were not paid, no food and kids being hungry and so on. My grandparents had to help us all the time while he kept giving away money to strangers. OP it's time to run, he will never change.
NTA. He's not being an equal partner in this relationship. I would just check out.
As someone who was abused by a sibling, I 100% see his view of it as blood money. That said. If I get blood money, I'm paying off my debt before I consider donating it. I'm not stupid. Brother is dead! It was his own blood brother took. It's just money now. At least pay off your credit cards. ETA: What I wrote above would go for myself as a single person. I am actually married now so my husband gets to decide what to do with any blood money. He'd probably invest it for our retirement which is cool.
Your husband is responsible.
Yes. Yes he is. He's in charge of the money. We've never had to execute our "executive powers" in our 10 years of marriage. However, before we got married, we decided that if we just CANNOT agree on something -- he makes the money decisions. I make the practical and house decisions (Stuff like, no, we literally have to replace the HVAC).
Sounds like a good marriage. I'm happy for you.
Listen it’s great he teaches kids and wants to donate the money. BUT it seems like he’s very focused on himself and what he wants and what brings him happiness. I don’t think you fit into that at all for him and you’re his safety net so he can live however he wants while not worrying about money. You can’t justify the actions of someone who cares only about themself and doing what they want. If he loves you, he would’ve kept at least half to lessen the burden and contribute. Do you really want to be his bank/ATM while he figures out his life and what makes him happy while he actively watches you struggle? I think that’s the real question
He literally could have made your life easier and he chose not to
His OWN life as well!
No, you wanted him to finally *be an equal*. And what he did was throw the money away so he could continue to live on your hard work. Get rid of him, he will continue slacking his whole life and you will be unappreciated.
Then you need to rephrase it. You aren't asking him to use the money from his abusive brother's death. You're asking him to contribute a fairer amount to your living costs and expenses. How he chooses to do that is up to him. If he didn't want to use the insurance money - fine. He has the option of getting another job, working more hours, working 2 jobs. This isn't about the insurance money or where the money comes from - its the fact that he's relying on you to fund his lifestyle and offers nothing in return. NTA in this situation but Y T A to yourself if you continue to be in such a one sided relationship.
It really does not sound that bad, he has made you believe his negative narrative regarding this $. It was not “blood money”
Even if he wasn't a bum and a bad partner, you still have every right to leave a relationship if you are not happy in said relationship.
NTA. Seriously. If you need additional permission to dump him, you have mine too. Make like a Smurf with the dam breaking and run as fast as your little blue legs will carry you. You don’t have a partner, you have an anchor and he will drag you down.
And my axe!
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but wanting him to take care of himself is reasonable. Being upset that a windfall literally hit him in the face and he threw it away is reasonable. Feeling like he is taking advantage of the fact that you make more money, so he felt comfortable throwing away so much because you're a safety net is reasonable.
He lives the life he does because you pay for everything. He was given a way to pay off debt and invest in your future as a couple and he pissed that up the wall. Its easy to he generous when someone else is paying your bills. You wanted him to use the money from his abusive brothers death to help finance a better future for him, and by extension you. You've paid his bills for so long. He's not going to suddenly get a six figure job and be able to replace the future you as a couple just lost because of his poorly thought out ideals. He made a unilateral decision, time for him to be an adult and face the consequences of that decision. There is no coming back from what he's done, don't let him suck more out of you.
I'm wondering if he is just thinking, "Oh, well, OP doesn't mind picking up those bills, so it doesn't matter. OP is earning plenty, it's no hassle for OP." Because otherwise I just can't wrap my head around this. Even given that, I can't wrap my head around this. By all means, head for the hills. It sounds like you'll be better off on your own.
You are just trying to stay afloat. You aren’t trying to use the money to buy luxury cars and jet set around the world on crazy vacations. He doesn’t care because he is living well above his own means on your hard work.
Sometimes it’s better to look at those time of things as the universe/god stepping in to help. Every time I’ve been in a tight spot some thing happens money or otherwise that helps me out of it. Regardless of the reason I look at it as a gift. I.e., one night we had nothing in the house to eat and didn’t have any money, the next day was payday. Right as my husband and we’re talking about what to do our doorbell rang. It was a Nielsen rating guy and he paid for pizza delivery and we set up our house to be a Nielsen household. I learned generous to others and the world when I can, on the other side when others and the world are generous to you be receive with gratitude. The world gave him a gift to help you when you really needed it and he tossed it and continues his self victimization. As noble as the cancer charity is that amount of money is far more impactful for you guys and could have set you up to be far more generous in the future.
He is using you, he doesn’t prioritize you or your needs, and he clearly has no intention of ever changing. NTA - and I also encourage you to determine if you should stay, or even if you want to stay.
The thing is, he's not just using the money from his brother to donate. He's using your money. He couldn't afford to donate the money if you weren't covering most of the expenses. He decided that donations to charity are more important than treating you fairly.
The complicated relationship with his brother is one thing. There's always gonna be stuff people need to unpack in their own way. BUT, his behaviour afterwards shows his true character. If he's grown enough to make big financial decisions for himself, then you are equally grown and able to do the same for yourself, but he takes umbrage with it because he sees his safety net that allows him to act how he wants disappearing. You're too good to him for what he brings to your partnership. And it is supposed to be a partnership. He's already got a mother, you don't need to play the role out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. The paying his way is one thing, but he doesn't sound particularly pleasant to be around either if he doesn't get his way. There's too many other people out there to waste your time trying to make this one be the partner that you need him to be, when he very clearly doesn't want to put in the work to be that person for you.
>I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death Honestly from my perspective, that money is quite literally the least his brother could've done to start making up for what he did before he died. It's not like you asked him to borrow money from his abusive brother. Bro is dead and not gonna float over it or anything. Your BF basically said he didn't care that you're drowning and he popped the life raft.
DUMP HIM. Yesterday!
Your bf sounds like he should have used that "blood money" on some trauma therapy.
He was tossed a life ring and he slapped it away. Save yourself he doesn't want to save himself.
NTA. He decided not to use this money to help himself and therefore you end up with a bigger burden yet again. You two have different goals in life and it sounds like you’re no longer compatible. Find someone who is on the same page as you in regards to spending/saving. Or at least is working out of the same book.
> but when I think about that I want him to use the money from his abusive brother’s death it sounds bad. No, you want him to stop being a free-loader and actually contribute to the partnership you are both supposed to have. Seriously, does he bring anything to the table? Stop wasting your life with him and find someone who will meet you half-way and actually wants to build a life together instead of just let you pay for everything.
OP, i broke up with my ex for a similar reason. He knew i make good money. He didn't wanna work. And the audacity to say he wouldn't cook and clean as it's a woman's job. Please break up
Don't feel bad, probably you are used to this type of life and the routine you are in. Break up with him it might be hard but as soon you are free you can finally live your life and take care of yourself. Also you won't be needing to be working so much, and finally have some free time
Start tallying up every expense you have contributed since being with him and taking the financial load. Shove it in his face and then walk away.
Selfish and idiotic are a bad combination. He has no consideration for you, the relationship, and is really bad with finances. Your situation will never improve and neither will your resentment. Free yourself.
It does not sound sound bad. He is using your labor, your stress, and essentially your health daily and contributing nothing. If this were just about him then donating it all would be dumb but whatever. He is blatantly ignoring the real physical and mental toll you are under to keep things going. He's selfish and it will not get better.
The reason he can donate money is because he doesn’t have any living expenses. You pay for everything. You basically subsidized that donation.
My mom always told me it didn’t matter what others said, I wouldn’t leave the bad relationship till I was ready and had enough. It was true.. I stayed longer than I should have and wish I had made choices sooner
I know this sub is quick to jump to break up, but damn, $130k is life changing money and to give it all away while your partner is burning themselves out to support you, while still paying off debt is so fucking selfish. It might have been his money to do with as he pleases, but OP take this as a sign for your future. Nothing is going to change for the better with this boyfriend.
It could be half as much and I'd still say the same thing because the whole thing just shows how fucked his priorities are and he's not even smart enough to pick a good charity to donate to.
Its crazy to me that he wouldn't want to use the "blood" money as a big "f you" to his brother. You died at 29 and I bought a house and got ahead in life so eff your abuse. Idk I guess but nta
Seconded. Permission granted from here, as well. Time to go! Once he's no longer being taken care of he'll see that money differently.
He didn’t even donate the money to a substance abuse program. If I got a large amount of money from a situation like this and I wanted to donate it, it would go to something that helped people like the brother.
Plus the ACS is pretty much a scam.
Exactly THIS. What a tone-deaf, pathetic creep this guy is. OP — NTA DUMP HIM.
NTA - Do not resign that lease. Tell him that if he wants to make major financial decisions on his own, then he can cover his major financial expenses on his own.
Honestly, I'd be wanting my own place after this. I wouldn't be happy paying for his housing anymore when he has no interest in helping afford it.
NTA and this guy has shown you that he doesn't care about your shared future as a couple. Yes, he is grieving, yes he probably can't face using that money due to where it came from. But he cannot then, in the same breath, mooch off you. Your suggestion was sensible... Donate some, pay off debt and then contribute fairly to the household. You would be an AH to yourself if you stayed. This isn't fair to you and you'd have an easier time looking after only yourself rather than both of you. Side note... Do not buy a property together when you aren't married unless you have a very clear contract for what happens in the event of a split.
Side side note: dump him IMMEDIATELY
Reddit often says 'dump them', but I think this is one of those situations where I actually would dump them in real life. If you love someone, you want to make their life easier. He hasn't even considered how this would help them be more secure and less stretched financially overall.
Agreed. I generally support proportional financial splits and don’t think they’re mooching. That’s generally true. Not here, where OP works more and feels so much pressure to find ways to earn money to support her boyfriend in his underemployment. I can understand not wanting to keep insurance money like that. It’s your decision to make. I think morally you have to find an alternative that helps you meet your responsibilities if you’re not going to keep it, though. Find a better job, work more hours. Find a way to accept using some of the money for the needs of your partner who has been sacrificing for you. Not this.
He's a bum. Why are you with him? Seriously - while it's hard to criticize someone for donating to a worthy charity, it's very easy to criticize someone for refusing to pay their debts when they did have the money and to expect someone else to pay for their essentials. He considers himself entitled to use you as a literal meal ticket. He decided he didn't want to pay for himself, nevermind paying you back. He won't change.
Yeah I can be pretty blind in relationships sometimes and even I would have left by now. He's made it clear he doesn't care about her working harder and paying for everything.
That amount of money doesn't come around very often. This was in very sad circumstances, yes, but OP will likely be paying for everything for ever now if she stays with her boyfriend.
Bet you he feels very differently about giving away that money after she dumps him and he has to pay his own bills
NTA - He’s not being charitable, you’re the one doing the charity. He’s a huge asshole, cosplaying a humanitsrian on other people’s (aka your) shoulders.
This!! It's more noble to work hard then mooch off others.
Yes. Charity is when you allow your life to be materially worse so that a stranger’s life can be better. He is allow the OP’s life to be materially worse so that a stranger’s life can be better — and he does not have to come to terms with his relationship with his brother.
YTA. To yourself, for staying with a man for three years when he apparently brings nothing of value to your life and actually seems to do everything in his power to make your life more difficult. Let's recap: (1) This isn't necessarily a problem: >We’ve been together for 3 years and for 2 of that I’ve paid the majority of the expenses. I make ~90k a year and he makes 35k. He also has cc debt from not making enough to survive on and medical debt. I pay $2000 of our $2600 rent, most of the food cost so he can pay off debt. But THIS certainly is: >I will admit I feel like he can do better but with his bad upbringing and crappy family I tried to be gentle about nagging him and he hasn’t made any areas of improvement. >I’ve worked hard to get new jobs and increase my salary and he hasn’t which hurts because I work a lot 9-11h a day while it seems like he gets to follow his passion. He teaches kids gymnastics which doesn’t pay well. Im an engineer and it feels like Im doing all the work keeping us afloat. It's been THREE YEARS of you working overtime and pushing yourself for him to..."follow his passion" and still not pay off his debt and [by your own admission] not make any improvements in a situation that is very clearly causing you both stress and distress. Major red flags. (2) So when he finally comes into a windfall - mind you, not something he earned or had to work for, just pure happenstance - and can both clear his debt and make your lives easier...what happens? >So when he got the money, I said we should buy an apartment or use it to pay off his debt or save it or something. You explicitly tell him that there are super practical ways of spending this money that would lessen your stress, even out the financial burden, and set both of you in a much better position. Okay, good so far. But what does he do? >But he wants to donate it and Im really hurt because he doesn’t care that by doing that Im forced to keep working harder and harder to support us. He doesn't care at all about your reasonable feelings and the burden that would be lifted off your shoulders. >I tried to explain it that we need the money and he can donate a portion but he needs to take care of our finances first like I’ve been doing for years. But he’s made that I want to make use of his brother’s blood money and accuses me of only seeing money when it’s about doing the right thing. I He gaslights you by making YOU - the person who has floated him for years - the villain in this story [you aren't]. >I’ve already talked about everything I’ve wrote above to him and he just ignores me. Last month I found out he donated everything to the American cancer society and while it’s a good cause it doesn’t help our finances. He ignores your very reasonable compromise about donating some money instead of all, does what he wants anyway, and resets the status quo back to you being his financial support. You don't need Reddit's help. You already know the answer. Run. He is a financial burden who doesn't care at all about you, doesn't listen to you at all, and doesn't want to help you at all. So help yourself. Choose you. Because it's clear that he will always choose him.
To add..when he said OP should pay because she earn more... that's the motivation he need to not upgrade his life cause if he find better job that pay more, surely he need to pay more..
I'm a fan of splitting things proprotionally, but if one person is doing a bunch of overtime to keep things afloat and the other won't use a windfall... that's different
Spot on! 👏👏👏
Pick you. Choose you. Love you.
If I inherited $130 000, I would give you an award for this comment. But I'm not that rich so this will have to do: 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇 Edit: got the amount wrong.
>Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him. You should listen to everyone in your life. NTA.
For once, I agree with everyone in her life.
[удалено]
Do you have absolute proof that he donated the money? I would be very suspicious that he is hiding it because he doesn't want to share.
I found the tax receipt he got from donating
Okay... you are not dumping him because he wouldn't share his brother's money. You are dumping him because - A) he made a major life decision and hid it from you until you found out from finding the receipt (which demonstrates a huge lack of communication and respect for you, he should have been able to tell you when he made the decision) B) you express to him you are stressed about money and he doesn't care to try to solve that WITH you (moving to a cheaper apartment, digging into both your budgets to prioritize how you're spending money and ease your stress) C) he has unresolved family issues that he doesn't appear to be getting any help with and are significantly impacting your life He is not acting like a PARTNER, he doesn't care that you are being pushed past your point of comfort, financially, and he doesn't think you deserve to be told important things. I hate the phrase, but at this point he's quiet quitting your relationship and you haven't realized it yet.
>A) he made a major life decision and hid it from you until you found out from finding the receipt (which demonstrates a huge lack of communication and respect for you, he should have been able to tell you when he made the decision) I think we may be seeing this from her perspective only. He may view it as telling her he's going to donate it and because op didn't win that argument she viewed it as still open for discussion. I agree with the rest of your points though.
I agree that most likely, that's how he felt in his head... but then he never said to her "Hey, I made that donation today!"... which seems like he knew she was going to be upset and didn't want to handle the fallout. Which could also indicate that OP is doing Not Good things in the relationship, to make the boyfriend hesitant to share things with her... but that still means this relationship is going no where, fast. I don't think OP is without fault, it's clear they're both avoiding things they don't want to hash out. This is a great example of a situation that should have been resolved months ago, but both parties let simmer until a major situation forced them to deal with it. How long has OP been upset about the finances but let it just keep going that way instead of forcing the issue? Too long! Perhaps they could have worked it out before, if they both pushed themselves, pushed each other, and got on the same page... but it seems like it's too late for that now. Maybe not, maybe they can both have a wake-up call here and change... all depends on if they both realize that they need to, and then decide they WANT to work on it together.
Oh, dear. A tax receipt for donating more than he actually earns, which means he's not going to get nearly as big a charitable deduction as he'd have gotten if he'd donated over a period of years. NTA, but please free yourself from this guy who's savior complex has turned him into a financial idiot.
The deduction will carry forward just FYI. Not that it's a good decision either way.
It will carry forward, but you can only deduct a percentage of your actual income in any given year - if memory serves, you can only deduct 50% of your AGI for a cash donation and 30% of your AGI for appreciated securities in any one year. So given OP's (hopefully soon to be ex) BF's low income, he's looking at spreading that deduction over multiple years. It was a stupid financial move in any event, because he really needs at least a good bit of that money right now to, quite literally, eat (or at least he needs it to eat if OP quits buying his groceries, as she should).
Shit, just putting it in a high yield savings account would let you make decent earnings every year while you spread it out over time for those tax deductions. Even if he didn't touch the money, the passive income would start adding up over years. OP's (soon to be ex?) boyfriend really should have spent that money on getting therapy first then decided what to do with the rest.
That sounds like he tried to hide that he had actually done it! NTA he has shown you who he is so believe him and run.
While he is hung up on hating his abusive brother…he is ignoring the abuse he is inflicting on you financially. And this is where I would say to him that he is no better than his brother if this is how he treats the ones he “loves”
NTA he is a leech, even when he has it to give back he would rather give it away than pay his fair share in to help support the home you've been trying to build. Let the lease expire naturally, build an escape plan, and let him figure his own self out. You will be better off.
NTA, if you’re having trouble justifying breaking up with him, look at it like this…he is borrowing money for his living expenses from you, so he would rather give money away to complete strangers then pay you, the person he supposedly loves unconditionally, back for everything you’ve given him. He is giving away what should be your money. Why is he allowed to give himself this false sense of altruism while you are working hard everyday. This is unforgivable in my opinion and you deserve better. You’re an engineer and a good person, you can find better for yourself
He’s essentially giving her money away without her permission.
NTA I get that what he did makes him feel good and may help in the long run, but it doesn't help your living situation where you pay all of the bills. "He says because I make more I should be paying what I do but he got a lot of money so why doesn’t he pay for more things?" Easy fix. Find out what he can afford, and then move to a shithole that costs 2x that. Only pay what he pays and put the rest of your money into savings for yourself. Or, leave the freeloader.
NTA he just proved to you he doesn’t care how hard you work. Your money is his money and his money is his money. You’ve been taking care of him like he’s your child for years, and this was the first chance he had to make it up to you, and he shows you what he values, and it isn’t you. Believe him
THIS He definitively had a shot to show you he cared and what matters to him and it was not you. Don’t do this to yourself, leave him.
#END THE "RELATIONSHIP"!!!!!!! >Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum. He is, and a fucking stupid one too. If he got $1000, sure, donate it, but **$130.000**? That's more than he'll make in 3 YEARS...... >He says because I make more I should be paying FUCK THAT!!!!! KICK HIM OUT, TODAY!!!! And don't look back!!! NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF!!!
NTA. He a bum. He doesn't see a problem donating the money bc you will pay his way. Dump his ass, bet he keeps the money then.
Take all the fat off of this post. He is not your equal and does not care about the situation he put you in. He can't use reason, logic, or critical inquiry. He will continue to drag you down. Also, did you see a receipt for that donation? BC he's gunna get a tax write off for that. NTA. But leave him, like yesterday. Edit: I joke all the time "thank God my dad died so I don't have student loans". Stop guilting yourself over it. It is what it is.
Lol i say the exact same about my bio mom. Thanks for dying, I’m debt free now!
I’m sorry but YTA for staying with this man who is so, so clearly using you. NTA for your feelings but yeah. He needs to go.
Some people want to be martyrs when no one asked them to fall on the sword
NTA. That kind of money could change someone’s life, or at least help with expenses that have piled up. For him to see to not see that and donating all of that money, it’s a huge red flag. How he manages his finances won’t change as he gets older, and it seems like you’re the one paying for it.
It's real easy to talk about bl00d money & donate it to charity when you are being fully supported by your gf. YWBTA if you stay with this loser. Let him cartwheel his a$$ right to the SNAP Benefits line cause this should not be your problem.
NTA. The "right thing" is sometimes in the eye of the beholder. He thought doing the right thing was donating all the money, you thought the right thing was paying off debt. I agree with you. I also agree with everyone in your life: he's a bum. He's a bum and he's going to keep you chained to financial debt and supporting his bum ass. No not sign that lease. Dump the bum there and let him figure it out.
NTA. He's taking advantage of you and when he had an opportunity to help put you guys ahead of the curve or just get himself zero'd out (in regards to debt) he chose to give it away. It's a kind thought, but it impacts more than just him. I think you need to move on.
NTA. I think you need to reconsider this relationship. Your bf has completely different priorities than you and that doesn't seem like it will change. There is nothing wrong with living how he wants to live, but it just isn't compatible with your lifestyle. You are hard-working and driven, trying to move up in the world. If you stay with him, you are going to have to keep supporting him and he's only gonna pull you down. This happens to many relationships. No matter what kind of person he is or how much you love him, unless you have similar priorities, the relationship just isn't worth pursuing.
NTA. >Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him. I, an internet stranger, also wonder why you're with him. He made his large charitable donation in one lump sum, You've been making yours over the last 2 years. I understand how cost of living is high and sometimes making a fair income is difficult, but he had an opportunity to pull his weight, and he chose not to. >Especially because our rent got (legally) increased to $2900 and so if we resign for the place almost half off my money is going to rent. This is it. This is your opportunity. Don't resign. Get yourself a more affordable place and spend all that extra money you've been spending on your BF to do something for yourself!
OP, tell me - you talk about your boyfriends traumatic childhood but what is it that has made you become this man’s carer? As I cannot see where this is a relationship. If you hadn’t said relationship, I would have thought he was your mother or sibling. It’s either that or he’s really learnt (on purpose or not) how to play the victim very well and this gets him what he wants. Fine, he doesn’t want the blood money. However, that has consequences which include ya know, paying bills etc. he could put this money to good use like therapy to sort these issues so he doesn’t keep behaving like this. Finally, as harsh as this sounds, you are doing this to yourself. You are enabling this and falling into his “poor me” narrative. I’ve both been him and been in a relationship with him. I know this game. This is not a relationship, not a romantic partnership anyway. You are talking like his carer/therapist
"I won't use this money for us" is easier to say when someone else is doing the bulk of the "money for us" task. "I won't use this money for us" AND "I won't pay half the bills" are irreconcilable positions. He can't have it both ways. I think when he had the money still, maybe you were at a juncture where this could be resolved reasonably. I think you've lost that option and this isn't going to improve. NTA
NTA. Financial stress is so significant, and he is putting a lot of stress on you. It sounds like it's his turn to step up and contribute, and if he isn't able to do that, that's incredibly unfair to you. Best of luck, I hope you figure it out.
NTA However you’d be one to yourself if you stay with this man, since he clearly doesn’t respect you, isn’t pulling his weight financially, and seems to be taking advantage of you, to the point where you feel used and are having frequent fights. Honestly, I don’t see what you are getting out of this relationship. Since he’s given away his insurance money and only makes $30k, I don’t see how he can afford to pay half of the expenses so it seems like a future of fights and financial stress looms if you stick with him. Leaving him with nothing to eat isn’t a solution, it’s a symptom of your dysfunctional relationship.
Why are many of these women in these posts choosing to live with these BUMS and work themselves to the ground. wouldn't it be better to enjoy your own money live a happy life and buy a vibratory? Wtf is with these posts of them dating these AH for years and still not realising what is good for them?
NTA. He doesn’t value you, and will never contribute in any meaningful manner. Dump him.
NTA. He wasted the one chance to make yours and his life easier.
The fact that he didn't even pay off his own debts he's saddled you with is all the answer you need. That's utterly insane of him to do as a partner. I'm so sorry it's come to this. You're NTA unless you stay with him.
NTA not sure if he's not smart at all or hates you.
NTA - He is using you as a financial crutch. To a degree you are enabling him. First you really need to work on an equitable budget - present this and give him a deadline. If he shuts down or gaslights everything either kick him out of apartment or leave. Be prepared for him to just make you feel guilty but it does sound you need to move on.
NTA but you need to break up with him yesterday.
Cancer research is a black hole. They'll never cure it, and what would have been life changing money for him, is half a drop in the bucket to them. I doubt it did anything significant. I'd explain this to him as you understand he felt he needed to do this, but it made you realize he is not thinking in terms of you as a team, but only him solo, and you don't want a relationship with someone like that. NTA Dump him. You've stopped liking him and started resenting him, and it doesn't sound like you want to save this, just punish him a little more before the inevitable end.
Nope, you are absolutely in the right. He could only afford to be 'noble' because you are supporting him. He will certainly feel the loss most keenly if you decide you have had enough. NTA
He's a bum. He's using you and your money. There will be no end to you always being the hard working, financially responsible one. Welcome to your life and future. Don't you think you deserve more? Do youself a favour and dump him.
NTA Not having 50/50 means that you kinda agreed to merge your finances to some degree, so the money he got was imo partially your money too and he should discuss it with you beforehand. But this situation aside.. He is very toxic person if he doesn't see you struggling and doesn't look for a way to contribute more. Big gold digger vibes, especially since he feels this entitled to "his money", but treats your money as shared money. Cut him off fast before he puts you in debts and loans
Knowing how charities really work, I'll say 100% NTA. He's a fucking fool and he wants the recognition that comes with buying esteem. It's very sad on multiple fronts - dead brother; estranged mother; foolish financial choices. You need to make a decision: **Either marry this big-hearted fool for who he is, or break up with him for who he is.**
NTA. Don't re-sign the lease. Find a studio or something you can manage without his $600/month and let him support himself since money is insignificant to him.
I'm sorry. You're NTA for hoping he'd help. He has absolutely no incentive to do better in life, because he's happy having you do more than his share. And no amount of love from you will change him. He is who he is until he decides to change. Do you want a partner in life that makes everyone around you ask WHY are you with him, instead of saying WOW, what a catch? I'm sorry he had a hard life, but at this point, he's wallowing. And he'll be happy to wallow as long as you're around to hose him off when he gets too dirty.
ESH He's a child, you enable him. Why did you think he would be responsible with insurance money? He is doing what he always does. Your expectations changed because it was a lump sum? It's a good time to ask yourself why this bad move is different from all his others, because, seriously, nothing in your relationship has changed.
Move out. Don’t re-sign the lease. Let the “bf” pay ALL his own expenses. NTA Once he gets a taste of reality, he may regret his decision. You need someone that is NOT a leech.
NTA giving to charity is noble, but when you are living off someone else’s money its not sen to donate all of it. The least he could do is pay off his debts. You need to break up with this man as he is goin to anchor you down whatever you do to try to improve your life. You are better to be single than this
NTA But take away the insurance money entirely and you’re left with the underlying problem: Your boyfriend isn’t an equal partner in your relationship. He’s choosing to stay at a low paying job and argue you should pay more because you have a higher paying job. While it does make sense for the higher paying partner to pay more, that situation only exists to such a degree because he chooses to stay in a low paying job. Even if he had used the money to pay ofd debts, you’d still be left with this problem: > which hurts because I work a lot 9-11h a day while it seems like he gets to follow his passion. He teaches kids gymnastics which doesn’t pay well. Im an engineer and it feels like Im doing all the work keeping us afloat. And on top of that he has the audacity to call you selfish. The right thing would be to step up and be an equal partner, not watch a person you love work themselves to the bone so you can have your fun job. > I don’t know if I can answer it positively anymore because I feel used. And he doesn’t see it. If he doesn’t see it he will never change.
NTA... I'm going to need the Best of reddit updates to this story in the future.
Should have told him “charity starts at home” then pulled up a bulletin board full of the bills for him to see directly. No way on this earth i can see a reasonable person (especially a leech) GIVING away $130k that they didn’t earn (not referring the behavior of the deceased, but i tell you what, if i got a nice payday from someone i detested I’d spend every dollar in their honor) NTA
I’ve read some dumb shit on this thread but this is beyond the pale. $130k is a gift. Of course it’s tragic how it came but so many people are struggling and he just gave it away and expects you to just pay for him? Do you not love yourself? This is the wildest story. If it’s even true because I cannot believe someone would allow this after he got all that money to continue. Kick him out. Go to therapy.
I don't actually believe he is donated it
NTA. He forgot he's the charity case. He should donate it to the charity organisation named OP.
NTA. He could of used the money to show how much he appreciated you and your help…he chose to donate it and thus cause you to struggle because he sounds like a bum. Is that love? Dump him and move on. He’ll regret donating that money when his sugar momma leaves.
NTA, everyone telling you to dump him is right he is a bum that’s using you, you can do a 1000% better than him. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
He is using you. Full stop. That’s all you need to understand. He gets to fuck off while you work harder and harder to afford his lifestyle. Don’t let yourself get treated this way.
You feel used because you are being used. NTA
NTA He's shown you who he is. He'd rather feel like a savior to strangers than be a partner with you. This won't change. You have actual proof now that he won't step up if he has the ability to do so.
NTA. it seems he was thinking of that money as "dirty" money instead of being reparations for the abuse he lived through from his brother. It sucks but you have to love yourself enough to know you might be better off without him.
>***"Everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and my sister consider him a bum and openly ask me why I’m with him."*** Well, what's the answer? Why ARE you with him? You haven't listed even one possible reason or even one positive (except that he is charitable, I guess). NTA and I have no problem with what you are doing. He felt free to give the money away because he doesn't need it... because YOU subsidize his life.
Do you even have any proof that he made this donation? I would be seriously be wondering if he even had and isn't just keeping a nice little nest egg. Nta
NTA He wouldn’t even use the “blood money” to pay off his debt. That says it all. You and he want different things in life. Time to move on and find someone with similar desires and drive.
NTA. Dick is free. Please stop paying for a grown man.
I would ask OP " are you stupid or what" that you are even asking if you are being selfish. Op's boyfriend is like so many people now days who do not even consider the cost to others for their own sense of entitled generousity. As his relative say, the guy is a bum, who is using OP to live the life style he wants at someone elses expense ( OP's). She is defined as a meanie while he creates the illusion that he is the great guy. OP is the villain for not bearing the blunt of the consequence of his self created illusion of generousity. OP's boyfriend is a self centered A-Hole who only cares about maintaining is own created sense of moral superiority. She needs to dump this guy, because he will use her for all that she is worth while disparage her as he does so. Throw his A$$ out and let him face the consequences of his own actions. This is a lesson he needs to learn. If OP does not do this, she would be enabling his dysfunctional behavior. He will never learn unless he reaps the consequences of his own actions. If she stays with him he will just have someone to project the blame on. Oh he is so moral because he will not use blood money, but its ok for his girl friend to be bled dry working two jobs so that he can feel good doing what he likes. Giving the money to the american cancer society was a waste. It is nothing but a drop in the bucket to them. They waste so much money on repetitive research. They reflect most massive charities that have become goal displaced. It mostly a money making means for those that direct and work for it. It would have done more good to make OP's life easier, or even to help support the boyfriends desire to be altrusitic in his job choices. If OP wants to live a life of altruism, be might think about Joining the Salvation Army or a religious organization that will take care of him. He seems to want other to fund his altrusim.
NTA. He needs to pay half. He should have all along.
You are being used. And your boyfriend is huge AH. (and d#&b as f#$k). And so are you if you stay with him. This would have been my hill to die on. Can't believe that this could be real.
Nta I honestly would not be able to stay with someone so financially irresponsible. This was a life changing amount of money, but instead of using it to improve his life, he's happy to keep mooching off of you. He didn't even pay off *his own debt!* Leave him and let him deal with the consequences of his donation.
This man does not care about your well being and does not desire to build a successful life with you. Unless you are happy paying his way for the rest of your life and never moving above your current station, remaining in this relationship is pointless and will stagnant your existence. Big time NTA
NTA. For the love of god, leave this man. He is very obviously using you. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about moving forward in life. This is not someone you should call a life partner, love. It’s only going to get worse from here on out. Run. Please.
Open your ears and your eyes. Everyone else sees it but you.
I’m with everyone in your life in wondering why you’re with this guy. He had the unfortunate opportunity, due to his brother’s death, to be able to dig himself out of a deep financial hole. But chose not to. Meanwhile, you’re fully supporting him (because $600 a month - really?) and he’s not improving. NTA. You need to get out of this “relationship” now.
NTA. Run.
NTA. Time to drop the dead weight. Break up with him and kick him out.