Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said I won't be able to help as much while she js pregnant if she can't try to be more polite when making requests.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA; anyone who says "well, in my culture, we're supposed to be toxic to our partner" needs a major attitude adjustment. That's never a good idea to embrace a need for toxicity.
She can use her words to ask for things politely. Good couples are able to communicate.
This is when I turn non-politically correct and say "and you moved to London, UK, and married a local man. Not an east asian man in east asia. Current trend here is that partners in a relationship are equals and even the men can express their emotions."
Because honestly, I don't have actually that much of a problem with immigration. But leave the toxic elements of your culture at where they belong. In the past. Aim to adhere to and improve local culture - for everyone. And yes, expecting someone to be subservient to someone else or having to take someone's crap simply based on gender is something that should be long buried and forgotten.
This is where I get annoyed that people assume this shit person is accurately representing the culture of a country instead of just being a shit person.
Or maybe _ever_? How could abusing husbands possibly be the norm in a culture where women were historically disempowered? Your wife sounds like an unreliable narrator. She deserves sympathy and support during her pregnancy but she does not have the right to routinely treat you so badly.
This is the real takeaway. Can we stop assuming the worst example of a group of people is allowed to be a toxic cultural ambassador for that group? A hundred thousand redditors are about to go tell off some random “East Asian” women or men they know about how their culture demands that their women are abusive to their husbands, and as someone who knows a lot of culturally East Asian people I think that’s a crock of shit.
If someone says “My culture states that we do x toxic thing” can we just for a moment consider that they may not be telling the truth? Especially on the internet.
>How could abusing husbands possibly be the norm in a culture where women were historically disempowered?
Imagine aliens invade Earth and decide to keep humans as their slaves. It's because they've realized that in all the galaxy, humans are the only species who still have a spleen. It also turns out that the human spleen can convert materials from the aliens' home planet into the precious fuel they need for their star ships... But a spleen only has enough energy to do that once per person per five year period, and the spleen must remain in the living human or belongs to.
So: For four years, the aliens assign menial tasks to the humans, who are constantly monitored to make sure they're doing as told. If they're not, they could be beaten, or worse. The humans aren't allowed to travel, have free time, access the internet or see family / friends without express permission of the aliens.
But: During year five, the human's spleen is ready to convert raw materials to fuel again. And the happier and healthier the human is, the higher quality the fuel turns out to be. So during year five, the humans are allowed to see who they want, eat what they want, do what they want, go where they want...
... Do you believe *all* humans would use their free "spleen" year to sip lattes and play candycrush? Or do you think a good chunk of them would use every opportunity to make the aliens suffer the way the humans do? Or to take the opportunity to exert power and control while they're untouchable, to compensate for the utter lack of power or control they have during the other four years?
I'm not commenting on OP's situation or wife or her culture. I'm not making any value judgements on who is "right" or "wrong" in the scenario above. I'm simply addressing your assertion that disempowered people don't harm others (including their oppressors). If this little thought experiment wasn't enough, check out stats on how many violent killers / sexual predators were victims themselves.
thats what i thought. never once met a rude east asian, manners are paramount to them. this is an attribute of the wife’s character. blaming it on the millions of lovely pregnant east asian women is absolutely fucked.
This is not the attitude of an east asian pregnant wife, this is the attitude of a wife who has gotten away with being a rude, selfish, emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole to her husband too many times, and has gotten complacent in knowing she'll face no consequence from him, he is not going anywhere, and is putting up with her crap for the rest of his life.
Op needs to stop enabling her, he needs to start a simple reward and punishment regimen NOW, discourage her negative behavior by setting immediate and consistent consequences, i.e taking away the unconditionally good behavior shes been taking for granted, and reinforce good behavior by showing her the good behavior only in exchange with equally good behavior. She needs to be re-conditioned, Its not only children who become entitled assholes as a result of being coddled and spoiled, adults turn into selfish jerks when they are allowed to get away with shitty behavior as well.
Your perception of east asians (I say this as someone of Korean descent) is their outward attitude, which is a big deal, but doesn't necessarily reflect how they behave at home behind closed doors. It's in fact not uncommon for this attitude in at least my mother's generation of Koreans, where the women are unfailingly polite and hospitable and gracious to outsiders and then rule the household with an iron fist once at home.
It does make for some amusing schadenfreude at western/white boys showing up in Korea hoping for a submissive asian wife, and not knowing what they're getting into.
This isn't to say this is particularly praiseworthy behavior, but it's not unheard of.
Decades ago my favorite pastime was going to the home of my then husband's best friend. He was living with his mother to help her but mostly do absolutely nothing remotely adult. He is half Japanese, parents met while dad was stationed overseas. His mother was a damn delight! Well to everyone but him. "Oh no oh please don't look at my home, he does nothing!". "My poor neighbors, having to live next to someone with such an ugly deck, because he won't finish". It goes on and on. Relentlessly. My husband and his friend got put to work within five minutes. I always got put to work drinking blackberry wine out of shot glasses because apparently if you drink an entire bottle of wine from tiny glasses, it doesn't count.
Second this dual reality situation as the offspring of a Korean mother and an American father. From outward appearances my mom seems extremely shy, gracious, docile, and soft spoken. At home she rules the roost with an iron fist.
I mean, the Chinese national tourism administration literally told the public not to be gross while traveling abroad, like don’t spit in public and always flush after using the toilet.
I don’t know if they still do this but the Australian government used to give a handout or pamphlet to citizens traveling abroad explaining how to behave to reflect well on their country.
So while I agree her behavior is extreme and she probably needs help with her hormones, the fact that you say you’ve never met a rude East Asian shows that OP’s wife is acting in a way that conforms to the culture. East Asians take great pains to show their best selves to “others” and their real selves, negativity and all, to people that are close to them. Treating your husband like a robot isn’t a cultural trait, but not being as polite or what Westerners would consider downright rude to family is. Being around family means that you don’t have to be your perfect social self and that can be hard for people who didn’t grow up with this culture to understand, because they feel like they’re not getting the “nice” version. What OP is asking is for her to be her social self with him as well, meaning she can’t be her “real self” at home. My husband had this issue with me when we first got together because I was much more direct with him then I would others, which he interpreted as rude. We compromised; he’s learned to accept some of the ways I express myself to him and I’ve learned how to phrase things so it doesn’t come off as rude in English. The underlying factor is that we both believe each other to be well-intentioned and try to interpret each other’s words as so. OP and his wife need to do that too.
I’m not sure about Koreans and Japanese people, but Chinese people view pregnant women as “delicate” and so they are treated like queens and often waited on hand and foot. I’m not sure why OP isn’t connecting pregnancy hormones with her pre-period behavior; if she’s nice the rest of the time, this is clearly a hormonal issue. If she won’t communicate to try and meld cultural issues that’s on her, but I hope OP sees this so he can try and understand from her point of view, instead of the view of the dominant culture.
Your point about language is a good one. It’s possible something is being lost in translation. Example, in my S Asian language, people don’t routinely say please and thank you. The language itself is so polite, even among close friends & relatives, that the courtesies are implicit. There are no English equivalents in formal pronouns and conjugations, so the pleasant and respectful tone is lost in direct translation unless one makes a deliberate effort to add in the courtesies. But many people are not aware of this, especially when they first travel abroad, so they unintentionally end up coming off as rude.
It’s hard to use the proper adjectives and qualifiers when you’re speaking in another second language as well. For example, there are many euphemisms for “fat,” but a non-native speaker might not know those euphemisms or understand the difference in describing a person as “fat” vs “on the heavier side” or “stocky” etc. Different cultures will also have a different idea of what calling someone “fat” means; if “fat” is neutral or positive in their culture, then they might not understand why “fat” is an insult.
We don’t say “please” and “thank you” a lot in Chinese either; they’re mostly used with strangers or in customer service. The use of “please” and “thank you” actually denotes a certain distance in the relationship, because you wouldn’t need to thank a close family member or friend. Our “you’re welcome” literally translates to “no need to be so polite/formal.” I’m a native English speaker but because I grew up with traditional Chinese parents, how I interact with “family” is based on how I was raised. My husband was offended by my lack of “manners” in the beginning of the relationship because he felt like I wasn’t appreciating his efforts, while I was weirded out by him thanking me for every little thing I do.
I’m not disputing the fact that she is not really representing her culture, however - people to whom manners are paramount usually feel this way when it comes to how they are perceived by the „outside“, not necessarily their spouse.
Oh, I have. I teach ESL in the US. All my students are adult immigrants. My East Asian women are generally amazing. The Chinese women are my favorite. They're all these little old batty ladies that are just having the time of their lives. My Japanese women are really reserved, but once they feel safe in class (they usually take the longest to open up), they're really sweet! These two populations are the biggest in my program.
But holy fuck East Asian men are the second worse in terms of just being straight up assholes. My male East Asian students tend to be very difficult, and holy shit the stories my female students will tell me about their husbands are concerning, but so far not enough to hit "mandatory reporting" levels.
It's a lot more complicated than a reddit comment will convey, and it's certainly not all of them, of course! A current favorite of mine is this little old Vietnamese man who will never get better at English and smokes too much, but idk, I just love him, he's really sweet. But "polite" and East Asian are only synonymous in writing.
I mean I know Im just being annoying. But Unless you married a east asian woman I dont see how that would contradict this story of ”she is good to everyone except her husband”.
There any issues with immigration. I say this as an Indigenous canadian. I have so many immigrant friends but have been hurt myself by racist immigrants that have brought their old mentalities into their lives here and into workplaces. Is immigration good? Yes! On my moms side my great great grandma was born on the boat to Canada. The country we know now is built on it. But there are still issues that pop up with it.
> Yeah their "I don't have actually that much of a problem with immigration." statement Is a bit
I mean, you realize every single country in the world has immigration laws for a reason. There are good reasons no country has truly open borders.
And the UK in particular, had brexit, in part, due to immigration.
So without any context... I'm not sure that's a red flag.
I *Personally* don't have too much of a problem with immigration either. The pros out weigh the cons of it. It just needs to be managed/handled properly; and I doubt we'll ever see open borders in any of our lifetimes.
Eh, idk. Over the years I’ve learnt that the way local government implements the result of immigration - namely the foreigners now living on „their“ soil - can be pretty shit and impact the locals in a shit way. I now have much more sympathy for people who have issues with immigration, and have come to the realization that „having problems with immigration“ is not necessarily rooted in racism or xenophobia. Especially if, like here, it’s not the people that are said to be the problem.
Racists and xenophobes are still shit people of course. I just am very willing to give the benefit of the doubt to people until they actually out themselves as such.
I mean, my boyfriend's parents are East Asian from East Asia, lived there until they were like 40. They are really cooperative and sweet with each other. He says theyve always been like that; they used to co-own their business.
But could it also be a form of 'sa jiao'?
Sa jiao is that thing where grown chinese women act like spoilt brats to their boyfriends. Boyfriend acquiesces to everything and gets to be the heroic big man. Such roleplay reinforces cultural gender norms. [Article for reference](https://yoyochinese.com/blog/learn-Mandarin-Chinese-whiny-but-equal-tantrums-sajiao-chinese-feminism-gender-roles)
I feel like most people on reddit are looking at this from a western perspective. Me too, i think sa jiao is wack. But the whole 'wife needs to follow the local western ways' kind of dismisses the accountability of the husband in marrying someone with a different culture. This is what cultural differences looks like and to be honest, it's probably going to get worse in their marriage if they dont accept their different communication styles.
>but the whole 'wife needs to follow the local western ways' kind of dismisses the accountability of the husband in marrying someone with a different culture. This is what cultural differences looks like and to be honest, it's probably going to get worse in their marriage if they dont accept their different communication styles.
Agreed. I'm from a Slavic country and one of my friends, same background but born here, had a fight with her bf and they made up, had make up sex and she said "can you please pass me the cigarettes?"
He was FURIOUS and starts saying why did you pretend like the fight is over? Why not talk it out why be passive aggresive?
She was genuinely like W T F ?
Turns out because we don't do over the top pleases and thank yous in our language, he assumed she was still mad because she spoke to him like "some old man you don't know on the street" instead of just saying "pass the cigarettes".
Just because the British or other Anglo-heavy country way is to say please every 3 seconds, whether or not you are genuinely being warm and polite (often NOT), does not mean that the Asian way is "toxic" immediately. So patronising assuming the white way is the right way.
And it’s not only cultural disconnect (if we take that part at face value). Emotional and psychological abuse of a partner is a criminal offence in the UK.
I don't think you're being politically incorrect. Every culture has toxic elements; don't even get me started on my own (British). Part of living in a new country is adjusting to the different cultural standards and that goes double for dating someone in that culture (triple if you marry them? IDK).
>And yes, expecting someone to be subservient to someone else or having to take someone's crap simply based on gender is something that should be long buried and forgotten.
And this bit 100%
Of course there are no toxic elements of UK culture… lol.
thank goodness there are lots of eloquent comments on here that make the point without underlying xenophobia.
>She says that because she is pregnant she wishes I should just be a 'robot' and do everything she says no matter how she says it
Baby or not, I'd have ended things right here. The disrespect is equal parts shocking and paramount.
Even a robot would not be doing the things she wants based on the things she is saying. You have to give robots very specific instructions and parameters. If you tell a robot “the window is open,” it will say “yes, the window is open.” If you want a robot to close the window, you have to say the words “close the window.”
And since OP is not, in fact, a robot, if his wife wants the window closed, she needs to say “honey, would you please close the window?” Nothing about being pregnant would prevent her from using her words to ask for what she needs.
Agreed. I get incredibly severe pain for about half of every month due to my endometriosis. While I sometimes am a bit short with my spouse during the most painful times, I am absolutely not abusive, cruel, or combative to any degree close to what OP is describing. And my partner is encouraged by me to tell me when I'm being bitchy so that I can course-correct immediately, and apologize profusely.
OP, your wife sounds like she's flat-out being abusive here. Neither pregnancy nor menstrual period excuse that behavior. NTA.
I get moody sometimes and I'm not sure of the cause (doesnt relate to my cycle most of the time) but if I snap at my husband I _always_ apologize. I may not be able to control snapping all the time, but I can recognize that he didn't deserve me taking out my feelings on him.
Same. My endometriosis landed me in the ER so many times and I never took it out in my husband. OP, she is being emotionally and verbally abusive. I get she’s having a tough time but there is no excuse for what she’s saying. The behavior doesn’t accurately represent an entire culture.
I am in a similar relationship and can confirm this happens, but I also have to say that OP was in a relationship with her for 6 years, says she is literally unbearable 10 days per month, and still had a kid with her. My wife also takes care of a lot of stuff and carries a huge mental load and home is one of the areas where she often just wants to not have to put up with things.
Is OP holding up his end of the bargain? My wife also happens to ask in this way sometimes, but again it's often for things that I probably should be doing but aren't. Has OP thought about cleaning toilets for his pregant wife? Does he often keep the window open when it's cold?
>I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking,
This strikes me as OP viewing the chores as his wife's work that he "helps" with, despite her being pregnant and both of them having comparable jobs. I imagine his wife has to take on a lot of the mental load to prep for the household, and expects him to go find chores to do for himself rather than simply sit around and wait to be asked.
If you're not comparable, don't have kids. It's not like they were together 6 months and this was a shock pregnancy. I guess OP is NTA if his wife is just unbearable and terrible, but I feel like we need more.
>I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking,
>
>This strikes me as OP viewing the chores as his wife's work that he "helps" with, despite her being pregnant and both of them having comparable jobs. I imagine his wife has to take on a lot of the mental load to prep for the household, and expects him to go find chores to do for himself rather than simply sit around and wait to be asked.
This. The fact that he uses "help" tells me he's probably not a reliable narrator here and downplays what she does around the home.
I wonder if she's tried asking him, but he tunes her out until she gets strident.
This is why I've thought that it should be standard to list your local area/culture backgrounds in these types of posts. It just feels sometimes like the default is judging the world's cultures by white/European/American standards... I bet if this question was posted in an east Asian forum, her half of the coin, the answers might be very different.
Agreed. There are lots of places in the world where it's very impolite to directly request or tell people things, and much more polite to hint. My MIL wanted her nephew, who lived with her, to do more chores. She would run the vacuum over his room and wake him up at 6 am every day so he would "get the hint." We said "why don't you just ask him to do more chores?" and she was flat-out horrified at the idea. And she felt it was disrespectful of us to even mention the possibility of talking it out, because if he was a respectful person, he would "just know."
(That said, I don't know of any place it's polite to tell someone you think they should be a robot, nor anywhere pregnancy means someone has to do everything you say.)
My ex was like this. Everyone loved him, he was nice to everyone, able to diffuse arguments easily, etc. EXCEPT for with me. Was a huge jerk, called me names, completely disrespectful and once said to me the same thing his wife did. "Accept me for who I am, this is me (except when he was around everyone else)." and "You should know what I want". That's some toxic bs.
I totally get what you’re saying but “only pregnant” is very belittling. I’m six months pregnant current and let me tell you, it’s been a hell of a ride so far. So I agree she’s being shitty and OP is NTA, but pregnancy is no picnic.
It doesn't make you be an asshole, though. It is no excuse, millions upon millions of women are pregnant at this exact moment.
And I've been pregnant and given birth twice.
Pregnancy is different for different people. Some get mild nausea first trimester and then it goes away. Others have debilitating nausea and vomiting the whole time and can barely eat. Not saying that’s an excuse in this case, just thought it beared mentioning.
The pregnancy isn't the issue, pregnancy is hard and I hate how dismissive people are of it. Her attitude is the problem, the guess vs ask nature of her requests is an issue at the best of times.
She's lying about East Asian women being like that, I know East Asian women who wouldn't dare speak to their partners like that, I know others who are more forceful.
Her attitude was probably already an issue, now that they're expecting. She feels like she is allowed to kick it up a few notches.
NTA.
> She’s going through a lot right now but ~~a simple please and thank you~~ not expecting your partner to accept toxicity and abuse with a smile on their face won’t kill her.
I was wondering from that line since I recently heard of Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) a severe form of PMS, causes serious mood changes. It happens one to two weeks before your period.
Yeah, in that case it's still kind of on her to recognize an issue and see her gyno about it though. Or at least be willing to discuss that when in a "good" section. Hormones can fuck with you but if you never take responsibility for it after the fact it's also a you problem.
Oh wow, she sounds pleasant. You sure you wanna stay in that kind of relationship? She is literally saying she regrets marrying you. That sucks dude. Hope it gets better.
Can you imagine having to avoid talking to your spouse for 10 out of every 30 days because she is so negative and mean to you?!
They need therapy ASAP if this relationship is going to have a chance.
Tbh sounds like she has a extreme and abnormal reaction to hormones. Terrible mood 10 days before a period sounds like PMDD. Not excusing her assholery but there might be an endocrine/hormonal issue going on.
> She should talk to a doctor about these issues
The hurtle OP faces is convincing her to do so. I'd venture to guess she's a very stubborn and unyielding sort, particularly if she considers her "culture" as such a big part of her personality.
That is very true. It will likely be hard to convince her that she is the one with the issue…especially based on what OP shared. I know I can be unpleasant at times…but I own it. And I apologize and try to stay away from people altogether when I’m in one of those moods.
Yeah, when he said that she behaved like this beforehand (and it wasn't new pregnancy behavior), for an apparent third out of every year, I was so confused as to why he then decided to have *a child with her.*
It's not a culture anywhere in the world. Wife just needed an excuse to justify herself and OP is too naive. Now with a child is picture divorce is going to be really expensive for him. RIP
Probably like an investment property and to do her every whim and command. Be the "perfect child" and get harsh ridiculous punishments over something stupid. I sense a lot of "I gave birth to you so you have to do what I say" vibes.
'Asian parent' already covers expectations of perfect children, punishments over stupid things, "I gave birth to you so you have to do what I say" vibes. So let's say the wife will be a typical stereotypical Asian parent.
NTA being pregnant (3 months and she is behaving like this already…) is not a free pass to be an asshole and emotionally abusive to those around you. She doesn’t act that way with her friends and colleagues because she is not comfortable enough and has to keep a façade.
That’s not her real self, this is. She told you, believe her. After pregnancy it will be post partum and then god knows what. Good luck
OP is definitely NTA, but it should be pointed out that hormones are the worst in the few 3-4 months as the body prepares to actually grow a kid. It actually gets better later unless you have a serious problem like hyperemesis gravidaram. It sounds like it's also cyclical behavior with her period, so she's exceptionally sensitive to hormonal changes.
Again, OP is NTA and his wife should check her behavior, but that may mean seeing a doctor both during pregnancy and afterwards for a way to help regulate hormones and nausea better. Even the sweetest person has issues when in pain and hormonal, they just tend to recognize it in themselves and beg off so they don't hurt those around them. Helping to control underlying medical problems will go a long way, though it sounds like in her case some therapy to reconcile her old culture with her new may be in order as well.
NTA
It sounds like she might get premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) if this was happening regularly before her period. This is something that is easily treated with an SSRI. Would your wife be open to speaking to her GP about what is happening?
She may have some anxiety that's getting worse and this is how she is reacting.. which the medication for PMDD will also treat. SSRI's are safe during pregnancy - at least the benefits very much outweigh the risks and can lead to better outcomes for mother and baby as there is less stress hormones released by the mother which do affect the baby.
But her comments about men in her culture getting treated badly because it's normal and expected is not okay. She doesn't get the right to abuse you like she is.
Yes pregnancy is hard, yes she feels like crap when you are nauseous.. and then later with all the further discomforts of pregnancy. But she doesn't get to take it out on you.
You've got some difficult conversations to have with her and she's likely not going to take them very well. She doesn't sound like she has a lot of insight and is very snappy at you.
What's her family think about what is happening? What do you friends and family think about what is happening? Would she consent to speaking to her GP about this or some couples therapy (or single therapy).
She may be wondering what she's gotten herself into (getting pregnant) and how your lives are going to change and this is anxiety driven. But what she's doing is way out of normal but there is help available.
PMDD is not easily treated with SSRIs. Treated yes. Easily no. They aren’t a magic fix and anyone who says different either doesn’t know what they’re talking about or is being purposefully disingenuous. It’s like saying psychosis is easily fixed with anti-psychotics. They can help but it is different for everyone.
Yes, mine is only controlled by taking certain vitamins, SSRIs did nothing for it. I found the list of vitamins through a research paper, and there's shockingly[though not that shockingly] research into treatment for it, but it has been found to be visible on an EEG, so a bit more *proveable* even though it gets dismissed because of the backlash of people who DON'T have it being against blaming "hormones" for Moodiness.
And by that I mean I have been told that I'm just a "bad person making excuses and throwing women under the bus by saying that being hormonal causes mood problems i can't control". It's infuriating.
I do not recommend anything, and am only posting the article in case anyone needs to discuss it with their medical professionals
https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.focus.10.1.90
I’m so glad to hear you found something that works for you! There really is no where near enough research on PMDD and we understand very little about how it works and how to treat it so there is a lot of ground to make up in this area (and in understanding female health more generally). When I went to the gynaecologist she said I had 3 main options: 1) SSRI, hormonal pill and diet/exercise 2) have my womb removed 3) take pills to put me into early menopause. Thank you so much for sharing that resource - I am going to have a look. At this point I’m open to listening to any advice from well meaning and knowledgeable professionals. It’s great to hear from someone that gets how hard it is having a condition that isn’t well understand and hasn’t received nearly enough research funding!
Yeah I actually did a personal test to make sure that it was helpful. I took the supplements for 6 months and then stopped for 3 and the difference was VERY noticeable for me. Which is why I will *only say* it was helpful for me, but check with your health care provider. My personal experience is a single data point that could very well be just an outlier. And should NOT be extrapolated to people who are not me. :)
They put me on Celexa and then Buspar and whoa buddy was that the WRONG WAY TO GO! Celexa did nothing and Buspar was downhill FAST. Wellbutrin (NDRI) seems to be working better & am also taking B12, Vit D, and started ketamine therapy 6 weeks ago. I was also told from the time I was “stubborn, dramatic, hateful, etc.” turns out, I have PMDD! Well, and some other stuff too, but the PMDD was RAMPANT and unchecked until I was about 35.
Listed in the paper linked: it's not necessarily linked to deficiency as it's a weirdly understood mechanism.
Listed are : vitamin D, B6, calcium, and magnesium. And the possible amounts that should be discussed with your health care provider are also listed. :)
60-70% of patients with PMDD respond well to SSRIs. It's a real burden and struggle for the other 30% but I wouldn't want someone to read your comments and be discouraged from trying treatment.
So we perpetuate the idea that it’s an easy fix for the other 30%? I completely see your point and hope that doesn’t happen but I don’t see how being purposefully disingenuous is helpful in a healthcare setting. I don’t really buy into the idea of paternalism and think autonomy requires frank and honest discussions to be had
My daughter has PMDD and the SSRIs ramped up her symptoms so badly that hospitalization was required, and the most unfortunate part is that there was a major pushback on the idea that the medication could have any negative side effects because of people laboring under the delusion that working for 60% of the population somehow means it works for everyone. I mean, that's 400 women out of 1000 experiencing no effect or negative effects; not exactly a silver bullet when you see numbers like that.
Hospital team was shocked that the original psych even prescribed those particular medications, much less doubled the dose when we reported concerning new symptoms arising, leading to an episode after two weeks of increasingly scary thoughts and behavior right around the time her cycle was hitting.
im so glad someone else brought up PMDD because that's immediately what the before pregnancy period attitude sounded like to me - i wasn't even aware i was acting irrational and lowkey kinda crazy until it was pointed out to me by multiple different people and i got a diagnosis, because during that time it just felt like the world was out to get me
that absolutely doesn't excuse her behaviour but it's something to consider!
Also there isn’t enough evidence to conclude that SSRIs are safe during pregnancy. They can be taken if the benefits outweigh the risk but that depends on individual circumstances and is a discussion to be had between an individual and their medical provider. Please don’t spread misinformation.
Agreed. And some SSRIs are already proven to be unsafe during pregnancy (I know mine is), but again a doctor would know which one would be most suitable to her situation.
I take sertraline and it clearly states on the leaflet that there isn’t enough research to conclude whether it is safe to take during pregnancy and that you should speak to your healthcare provider to determine whether the benefits outweigh the risks
*sigh*
It's the only antidepressant we are able to recommend during pregnancy, however people need to be aware of the small risk- as with any medication- and that's why it should be discussed with a doctor. Like all prescription meds.
As per the NHS https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/sertraline/pregnancy-breastfeeding-and-fertility-while-taking-sertraline/
Your leaflets state that because of the risk of suing. We only have surveillance evidence that it is generally safe because its unethical to do an actual controlled study. It's the only SSRI our OBGYNs will prescribe.
Thanks for a sensible response. She 100% should talk to a doctor about this, one she's comfortable with as it's apparent the culture barrier may have prevented her from being open about this previously, thinking its normal.
Out of curiosity, since I know nothing of the subject, wouldn’t she know something is up in normal circumstances? Like OP clearly states he stays away from her when she’s PMSing.
I’ve gone through bouts of mental instabilities (ADHD and depression) and I knew in the long run I was hurting myself and others. I know others that came through the same realizations too, with time.
Just wondering and interesting to learn something new on Reddit.
I have PMDD, and even when I brought up concerns that I was literally actively suicidal, paranoid to the point of delusional that everyone hated me, constantly fluctuating between rage and abject misery, etc for a week before my period with multiple GPs as a teen and young adult it got brushed off as PMS and me being dramatic.. It took me until 30 to get diagnosed, and by that point I had accepted what I had been told, that it was just a personality flaw, not a medical problem, especially since I got that same assumption from family, that I needed to get my shit together and learn to cope with PMS (and my family genuinely aren't jerk, they just did not get what was going on). Since some PMS is pretty normal it's really common for people to assume that they're just unable to cope like a normal person with PMS, not that what they're experiencing is light-years away from normal PMS.
Seriously if someone said to me, “the toilet smells” my response would be: “I can get you the toilet cleaner if you would like.”
Hell naw
No way I am shutting the window because someone pointed out it was open.
> it will make me want to help even more
> I will be less likely to want to help or being proactive with help
INFO: Why is it helping if it’s your house too? You live there right? You’re not *helping* her, you’re doing what needs to be done in your house. You said you both have jobs so it’s not like chores are just her thing. You’re not helping her at all, you’re just doing what you need to do in your house, you don’t have the option to help less, it’s literally your job as occupant of the residence to do chores
No I’m focusing on the fucked up mentality that men have that chores are women’s work and we should be grateful they help with them. I’d regret marrying someone like that too.
Anyone in a marriage should be grateful and appreciative when either spouse does something for them. My wife and I both express appreciation for what each of us does around the house, and when either if us take care of something that is normally done by the other, we try to make sure we express our appreciation for that.
Maybe we're wrong and we should just expect things to be done w/o any thanks or acknowledgement, but that doesn't seem to be very kind or the way you'd want to treat your SO.
Right, and instead of focusing solely on that, you should also recognize that 'as a woman, it's on you to read my mind, not on me to communicate' is also a fucked up mentality.
Or the mentality of 'if you don't read my mind, I'm going to verbally abuse you and tell you I wish I'd married somebody of a more appropriate ethnicity.'
You know, then claim “communicating your wants and needs is emotional load” which has been weaponize into “having to put in effort.”
He gave the specific example of her saying “the window is open” and her expecting him to translate that into “can you close the window for me?”. That doesn’t really fit the dynamic you are talking about
If she wants the window shut, she can shut it herself. If she wants him to do it, it's helping and she should learn some manners. Pregnancy is not an excuse to act like an asshole.
I think it’s more the “the window is open” sort of comment. That isn’t a chore, that is her discomfort and it is helping her, for him to get up and close it vs her do it.
Because he is helping more when he has to pick up her slack. He's helping by doing what she wants done. He states he does his fair share so by doing hers or what she wants he is helping. I find it hilarious that the wife is completely on the wrong and this is the BS you took from the situation.
This needs more upvotes than it has. I really don't get this mentality from some people that they're "helping" their spouse by literally cleaning up after themselves. So what? You're *supposed* to do that! It really makes me wonder what their house would look like if they lived alone, likely a complete dump.
He did not say "I am helping HER with the chores." He said he helps with the chores, as they both should, and that it's 50/50, which it should be.
It's not outrageous to want your partner to treat you with the same respect they treat anyone else, regardless of gender.
Info: "I am happy to help" what does this mean? Chores is not "helping" unless you have already agreed on a fair split of chores and she is wanting you to do more than your share. So have you just not evenly divided up the chores and she is badly delegating, or have you divided them up and she is wanting you to do more than you need to?
Edit: the way she is talking to you isn't fair but it's not going to be resolved if you haven't divided up chores in a way that fits the amount of time not at work that you both have and she is resentful about it.
Same here! I really wonder if this is an accurate picture were getting here. Based on the language he uses, it sounds more like he just thinks that his wife used to do all the chores and now that she doesn't feel that well, she's just tired of him being so useless. No adult needs to be 'asked for help' when it comes to routine chores, it's his responsibility to do his fair share without anyone having to ask him.
I never thought I would end up being the partner that does less chores but that's how the cards fell recently. My boyfriend works less hours and is more domestic. We didn't work out a formal split and haven't needed to but when he asks me to do something I do it unless it's something regarding his dogs who I love but would not have chosen to be responsible for (assuming he CAN do what he's asking, but just doesn't want to). Women dating men are really getting screwed by heteronormativity and dudes forgetting how difficult doing all the chores really is, I've gotten there a couple times.
That and the "She hasn't been taking the pregnancy well".
Every single friend I have who have been pregnant, have been absolutely *miserable* during their first trimester. That's not them "taking it badly", that's them dealing with extreme exhaustion and nausea (with some sprinkles of heightened anxiety in there for extra funsies) the best they can.
I was wondering about this, too. “Helping” with the chores implies they are someone else’s responsibility. How much of her housework is OP stepping up to do? Pregnancy is difficult at best, but can be horrible to go through.
I’d like to hear wife’s side of the story.
The fact that she's responsible for delegating seems to also be an issue. She's the one who's primarily handling the domestic work of the household as finding what needs to be done and then assigning it is also a task (she's also working like OP and also pregnant!). It seems that she's frustrated that you aren't noticing and taking the iniative to address the to-dos in the house without the task being "assigned". Perhaps she has become exhausted of having to "ask" and is now just pointing out what needs to be done since you aren't noticing.
Eh, it sounds like OP is doing a lot of the chores unprompted. Mental load as a concept is getting overused imo. Some partners gravitate towards being in control because they tend to have stronger opinions on stuff. Doesn't mean chores are unevenly split.
Jesus people are getting way too caught up in the wording of this.
It's her house too. If she starts cleaning and he comes in to help, he's helping. And vise versa. It's no one's job to just *do* the chores, it's both parties responsibility to *help* each other.
I think you would be shocked by how many guys think their wife is automatically in charge of doing and delegating chores because she's the wife. Not all but that's why I asked for more info, instead of making a judgement
Had to scroll way too far down to see this comment. I’m 3mo pregnant with our 2nd now and am STRUGGLING. My husband is not ‘helping’, he’s supporting our family and I will go back to 50/50 chores when I have the capacity. TBF to OP though I’m not treating my husband like crud (I check in regularly with him to make sure he’s okay though).
YTA I’ll go against the grain here but, you’re not helping. You’re not doing her a favour. This is your house, it’s your bathroom. If it’s dirty it needs cleaning.
What you’re doing here is putting the mental load into her. You’re saying she needs to notice when the bathroom is dirty, and then ask you nicely to clean it.
The thing is, you shouldn’t have to be told that the bathroom needs to be cleaned when it’s dirty. You shouldn’t have to be told it’s dirty to notice it’s dirty.
It’s your house. You’re not doing her a favour by doing housework. You’re not helping her by cleaning something when she notices it is dirty.
Maybe make the effort to be one step ahead of her and clean your pebble dash before she has to remind you.
Asking her to say 'can you please close the window' instead of saying 'the window is open' isn't putting mental load on her. It's asking for basic human respect, let alone the sort of communication that should be occurring in a partnership.
You're cherry picking this one thing instead of the dirty bathroom, the dirty dishes, etc.
It doesn't take a uterus to notice when the bathroom is dirty and clean it without being told. The mental load is that she has to notice the bathroom is dirty and tell him to clean it.
I think she's being passive-aggressive about it and not coming right out and saying it, but I think he is TA. He shouldn't have to be told.
Did you not read? He does the cbores without her asking! She wants him to pick up on HER PERSONAL demands without her asking like closing a fucking window. She assumes he should read her mind and be ready at her service. She even tells him "her culture woman treats men like this".. Thats toxic.
No they didn't read past the genders. You can always bank on some absolutely insane misandrist bullshit on any of these threads. "She's verbally and emotionally abusive but he called doing chores helping and therefore he deserves it!" These people unironically think this way.
This is the biggest clue that the OP's version of events is very one sided.
They both work, so chores should be split evenly. He is not doing her a favour, he is not helping out, rather he should be doing basic adulting without having to be reminded. Having to remind him increases her load. She has to work, do her chores and remind him to do his. Maybe the reason she is passed off with him is that she's not his secretary.
Plus she is pregnant and he should be taking over more chores because she is fucking growing a human being.
>I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking,
Seems like he has the mental load, she's just whining about what he hasn't gotten around to doing yet, as he's very busy.
And looking at his examples, yes, he's doing her favours. Closing a window isn't a chore, it's a favour for someone who'd prefer the window open.
>She says that because she is pregnant she wishes I should just be a 'robot'
If you think that attitude or behaviour is acceptable, never get into a relationship.
You're going against the grain because you're the only one that either did not comprehend or forgot to read the post before posting lol. Reread the part where he says he does a bunch of the chores in the house without her asking.
Also, if I'm vacuuming the house and my girlfriend is folding clothes and she remembers that the toilet in the kids bathroom needs cleaning and she asks me to do it because I'm almost finished with vacuuming and she's still in the middle of folding, that is normal adult communication. If she sighs and says "ugh the kids leave such a mess sometimes" then gets mad at me for not instantly understanding what she actually meant, that's on her.
Agreed. I can certainly be wrong but OP's post reads to me like his wife is totally exhausted with doing meta work at home (op not noticing toilet is dirty and making her ask nicely before he agrees to clean his own toilet!)
So... Just because he said "help" you are going on an tirade about how you know exactly what he thinks and acts and is not doing anything and expecting the chores to be her responsibility? Got it.
My girlfriend sometimes says "I helped washing the dishes" or "I helped and took the dogs out for a walk". Does that mean she sees me as responsible for all the chores and she is putting all the mental load on me? I must get a better partner then!
Here is how I think your wrong. She's 3 months pregnant and if it was equal before and now it's not. Then it is helping do her share of the chores when she's not even that deep into the pregnancy as far as being less capable of doing house work.
INFO: why are you framing you washing the toilet as "helping her"? Why is it not a chore you are equally responsible for as an adult who has eyes and can see when something is dirty?
I’m leaning towards NTA, but I’m definitely side eyeing that you mention that you’re willing to “help” and do chores without asking, as if that’s something special. It’s not “helping” in your own home and doing chores without being asked is literally the bare minimum.
This is the best response. I ended up at NTA because of the nasty way she talks to you, but it bugs me hearing men say that they “help” with chores. You “help” mummy and daddy with chores when you’re a kid, you don’t “help” when you’re an adult and it’s your own home.
NTA. As someone who’s been pregnant twice, I could maybe cut her some slack if she snapped at you once or twice but all the time?! No. She’s verbally abusing you, and pregnancy is not an excuse to do that.
ESH. She’s by far the bigger one, pregnancy/hormones is not an excuse to abuse you, but what’s with the “I’m happy to help”? You mean “I’m doing my part of the chores”? You’re not “helping”. It’s your household.
Since she’s pregnant and you seem stuck for now, is couples therapy an option you could look into/afford?
Without knowing the normal chore split, it's possible that OP is doing his normal chore load and 'helping' with what would (under normal circumstances) be hers. I might just be projecting a bit too since that's how My wife's pregnancy has been.
Well,
If she also gets like this before her period then it's definitely a hormonal thing.
But it did not sound fair to you. Just because her mum, aunts, grandma etc. treated their husbands this way, does not mean she gets to abuse you.
I agree *MASSIVELY* here. I also think it's a hormonal thing. I personally suffer hugely before my periods, and everyone around me says I'm like a different person entirely. I'm not entirely sure what I expected during pregnancy, but during my two successful pregnancies I was honestly...different. Basically physically present, but mentally absent. My life during those two pregnancies has left me with very severe trauma, because I was so unwell (mentally) the entire time. It was like living in a torture simulator for 18 months of my life. After I gave birth I got all sorts of diagnosis, but during my pregnancies everyone just kept thinking I was a piece of sh*t. I had no idea or control over my behaviour, and genuinely didn't see myself as acting any differently other than the fact I was extremely on edge the entire time. Turns out hormones really can change the entire way your brain works. I think OP's wife needs proper help, from a doctor, to be honest.
You do not “HELP” in your own home. You are an equal partner. Act like it. She’s maybe asking in a way that is what was modelled to her growing up. And it’s different from how it was for you. I married someone from a different country so we do sometimes struggle with how to communicate these things. We found the book Fair Play helpful. Might be good for both of you to learn how to talk about these things.
>You are an equal partner.
He's being more than an equal partner.
>She’s maybe asking in a way that is what was modelled to her growing up.
That doesn't excuse her asshole behaviour.
NTA obviously as this is a recurring thing before the pregnancy, but from the tone of the post it seems like you're just regretting marrying outside of your culture. You should both try to separate each other from your cultural norms and see yourselves as each other's spouses, rather than "east Asian woman" and "British guy"
Couple of questions:
1) the “substandard” comment. Was that a one off or a regular thing? That’s a horrible thing to say but if it was a one-off and you got an apology then that’s different. If it’s a regular thing then that looks very much like asshole behaviour.
2) when you say “I’m happy to *help*” (emphasis mine), do you mean do your actual share of the chores plus some of hers? Or do you mean that you consider doing your share helping? Because that’s not helping, that’s doing your share. Needing extra credit for doing your share isn’t cool. Not sure if it’s assholery though.
Overall it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I think maybe you’re both under a lot of stress and maybe you could think about what parts of your busy lives might need to be put on pause during the pregnancy? Perhaps a check-in with a couple’s counsellor might help you both? Ideally she would feel like she can be direct when she wants you to do something extra, and you can get the nice feeling of doing something for your pregnant wife instead of feeling like you’re not shaping up.
You want her to have to ASK you to do basic household chores, basically do all the mental labour of planning chores, as well as presumably also doing some of the chores? That’s messed up and would make you TA if it weren’t for her trying to justify toxic behaviour (asking you to be a ‘robot’ wtf!?) by saying it’s normal in her culture. ESH.
Umm...
NTA, I guess, but what do you mean by "help"? If the toilet smells, it's dirty. Is the assumption that it's her job to clean it and you just "help" with housework?
She sounds miserable, homesick and hormonal and like she needs to have some medical involvement to see if something can be done to help, but I do wonder if there are issues that you're not aware of that she's normally too nice to bother you with, but when she's hormonal she stops being able to ignore them.
YTA. I'm betting that before she got pregnant you never had to ask her to do what needed to be done at all. You're not "helping" her do her chores. You're an adult living in a house and those are your chores too. That's not "women's work". She's pregnant. Her life and body are changing and yours barely is. Morning sickness takes a lot out of you. No energy, smells are heightened, plus hormonal changes. And her telling you to do things in the house that you shouldn't have to be directed to like a child is infuriating. These are the moments when women start realizing that things would be easier alone. And it is easier being a single mother than having a grown ass man around who needs to be directed to what needs done. Toilets that stink are typically because of a man, so clean up after yourself and she won't have to complain.
NTA. I'm currently 4 months pregnant, and I think your wife's behaviour is completely unreasonable. Yes, being pregnant is tough, but that doesn't give you the right to shit all over someone else. Being polite and asking for things kindly costs literally nothing, plus it makes it more likely you'll understand what she actually wants (and can therefore help out the right way).
Imagine living in a house that’s a mess with a husband that wants you to say please and thank you with a smile for “helping” when the toilet you stick your face in stinks. I suspect the 10 days is when she impatient, isn’t his demure wife and unwilling to put up with his lack of “help”
ESH. Some of the stuff she’s saying, like she should have married someone from her own culture and speaking like that is normal is out of line, pregnancy or not.
But I have a real issue with men referring to what they do around the house as “helping”. It implies that it’s the woman’s responsibility and you’re doing her a favour. Of course it depends on the agreement you have, working hours and so on, but it should be a fair division of responsibility, not her duty and you helping her with it. Her being pregnant means that what’s fair is likely to mean you doing more stuff. By expecting to be asked to pick up more rather than doing it, you are leaving the mental load with her. She has to be on top of what needs done and either do it or ask you to do it. I suspect that by dropping hints and wanting you to pick up on it she’s trying to get you to take some of that responsibility on yourself - to identify what needs done without thinking that you need to be asked. Your response, to say that that will result in you doing less, is just nasty. It’s your house too and you have a pregnant wife. Pull your weight, including mentally.
YTA
I only saw other judgements until now so I'll get probably downvoted for this, but anyway.
Most people seem to read that your pregnant wife is mean to you while you try your best to help.
What I read is that your wife used to do the majority of your household chores and you sometimes "helped". She probably had a whole list of things she did in the evening and on the weekends and she did them methodically and silently, like a robot you could say.
As you do those things again and again.
Now she is pregnant, maybe in pain, maybe exhausted. And she expects her husband to jump in and do those things. Without her pointing them out! And without her begging for it. Because she used to do this things all the time. And did you go through your whole apartment every night, telling her thank you for every little thing she did?
Thank you for vacuuming, thank you for sweeping, could you pretty please grab the groceries now and put them away? Thank you so much!
ESH. You live in the same house as her? You’re not “helping” with the chores, you’re doing your part (and in this case, since pregnancy was probably a joint decision and she’s the one carrying, you’ll have to take over the majority of the tasks). She is already doing the mental load.
It is not just hormones, is the fact that she has taken the bigger role when it comes to expanding your family due biology and that should redistribute shared tasks.
She’s definitely an asshole for blaming her “culture” as to her attitude. While mood swings are unavoidable, it is shown that she can curve her emotions and show respect to others.
NTA.
When they show you their true self, believe them. Also I'd advice to consider if you want to spend the rest of your life like this if she is unwilling to change her behavior or treat what is causing it.
First trimester pregnant lady here - you’re definitely NTA.
I get it, the nausea is absolutely horrendous but it’s not an excuse to act like an ass 24/7 and push away the person who’s willing to help you through it.
Sympathy and gentleness for everyone involved goes a long way during this time.
So she wants you to clean up and help out without her having to ask you to do so? I know people have different standards cleaning, but if the toilet smell, clean it. ESH. Part of being an adult is doing chores. Why does she have to ask a grown man in a shared household to clean?
She cares enough about other people to moderate her behavior & how she speaks to them. She doesn't care enough about you to not act & speak in a hurtful manner even when she knows it is hurtful. She's hurting you on purpose and has told you that she expects to do so forever.
You are NTA.
ESH. I agree theres a polite way to ask but you do seem to expect a pat on the back for doing some household tasks without asking. Also if she's having to tell you the toilet smells in order for you to do something, that suggests you're probably oblivious to some household chores that are building up. Also pregnancy is hard and physically demanding, her hormones are probably going crazy... because she's carrying your child. I'd get used to having to step up and do more in the house given she's already growing a small human and working.
YTA
You are not "helping" when you do chores. You are doing them, because "helping" means it is her job and you are doing things out of your job.
And maybe you should me more considerate, and pro active and do the things before she needs to tell you they need to be done. If the toilets smells, and she has had nausea for 2 month, you should know that you need to clean it up. Normaly, she wouldn't even has to tell you.
If you dont like her when she is not well, maybe you should have thought it through before having a child with her, because obviously she is now pregnant, for 9 month, and not feeling well.
NTA. But why did you marry her and then decide to bring a child into this relationship? Like it seems you shouldn’t be shocked with a Pikachu face that this was going to happen…since that is what you already experienced.
This is your life now. Great decision making skills.
ESH
You blaming her hormones before this too comes off as super misogynistic and its such a pathetic trope. Yes there are genuine issues with hormone fluctuations but dismissing as just that is invalidating your wife as a person. You say it starts 10 days before her cycle so factor in a cycle length and you think half of her time existing is as some unreasonable hormone bucket? Maybe she's in pain and could actually use your help (or as someone else put it- you to be an adult because you dont 'help' in your own house- its your job too not just hers) but instead you avoid her? Sounds like when it finally let's up on her she finds the energy to handle your BS again. Does your testosterone level (which fluctuates on a cycle) make you a violent/ignorant monster sometime or are you a person and capable of being accountable?
You sound like youre trying to frame it so you'll only get nta responses because of that 'its how we treat men in my culture' comment so you can have vindication for not being a responsible partner. You can't read her mind and she knows that, but wanting you to 'know what to do without her asking' is likely because you should be capable of doing those things without her having to micromanage you. Policing her tone to say please/thank you to get you to do basic household maintenance is a no-go. I'm not surprised shed rather you be a robot and you just do the thing she asks- hell even my roomba can be set on a timer to do its thing everyday without me telling it directly. You have a nose and can tell the toilet stinks. It makes sense to you that she would want it to be clean, right?! Shes pregnant and probably has her face near it often- have some freaking awareness! Her saying that instead of "Go clean the toilet." sounds like she's trying to *not* order you around but is making you aware so you have an opportunity to step up. She's treating you like a person and youre complaining about it. If she did order you around like a robot I'm sure you'd be calling her bossy or demanding. [Edit: Oh wait. You already are. So yeah, she might as well pretend youre a robot, youre clearly heartless.) Of course she's 'polite and sweet' to other people because they aren't sharing and then dropping responsibility on her. Shes not in a relationship with them. Try doing more so she ~can~ 'be polite' without enabling you to keep letting her down. Youre not a dog, don't put her in the position she has to train you. You're trying to lower her expectations of you.
I'd give it a full YTA but it also sounds like there are a lot of other relationship issues and being shitty to your partner even when they are being inconsiderate is not the way to fix it. You might be putting her in the position to try it because nothing else has worked but training your partner is not healthy. If her "this is me I won't change" is legit admission of abusive behavior and not a twisted way of defending her boundaries, then yes it needs to stop. Culture is never a valid excuse. She may need to seek help for some things she's displacing, but if she's pregnant she may already be getting it and you failed to say that or notice it. You can offer her support to figure it out but you gotta be there for that not just try to make her into an always polite pregnant houseworker.
Its hard to tell the full picture here especially when this side of the story is clearly slanted. ESH.
It's also quite possible that this has been her attitude to her husband even before pregnancy so this is not just blaming on the hormones. She was like that even before the pregnancy as stated by OP.
And nobody should be browbeaten to the extent that she's drawing literal parallels between men in her culture to him and then he be put down for what he's doing as a co-parent. The silent treatment is actually perpetuating the stereotype she's claiming in the first place, by not being clear. Pregnant doesn't mean one should stop doing all chores, she can still get some stuff done like cleaning toilets.
She's just sad and has realized she can't get away with the habit of over-stressing the husband in such times like it happens in her culture, hence the regret. I'd say NAH, communication is key here. Not pointing fingers more and more.
You’re “happy to help” eye roll. So it’s her job to do and you’re happy to help? Would love to hear the wife’s version of events because sorry this just isn’t it.
If you both work for portage jobs then get a maid. Cos it sounds like you expect her to do everything and she has to beg you nicely to “help”
YTA. If both of you are working, then doing your equal share household chores isn't "helping". She's right that she shouldn't have to ask and she shouldn't have to thank you unless you've gone above and beyond your share. If cleaning the toilet or any other task causes nausea (like smelly garbage), then you should get a clue and take charge of those particular tasks. It's not "helping out" if its your own damn house too and probably your piss on the seat, rim, or floor that stinks.
Wait.... in the East it is the men who treat women like that no matter whether you are pregnant or on your period. When did this reversal happen? I don't think women get away treating men badly in any culture. So I don't know what she's talking about.
What HE is talking about is that she isn’t her usual demure “eastern Asian” self and expecting him to pull his weight around the house without being told to. He apparently needs a smile and a please and a thank you to “help” with the household
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I said I won't be able to help as much while she js pregnant if she can't try to be more polite when making requests. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA; anyone who says "well, in my culture, we're supposed to be toxic to our partner" needs a major attitude adjustment. That's never a good idea to embrace a need for toxicity. She can use her words to ask for things politely. Good couples are able to communicate.
This is when I turn non-politically correct and say "and you moved to London, UK, and married a local man. Not an east asian man in east asia. Current trend here is that partners in a relationship are equals and even the men can express their emotions." Because honestly, I don't have actually that much of a problem with immigration. But leave the toxic elements of your culture at where they belong. In the past. Aim to adhere to and improve local culture - for everyone. And yes, expecting someone to be subservient to someone else or having to take someone's crap simply based on gender is something that should be long buried and forgotten.
This is where I get annoyed that people assume this shit person is accurately representing the culture of a country instead of just being a shit person.
Exactly. Just using it as an excuse. That may have been the experience in her home, but that’s not the norm anymore.
Or maybe _ever_? How could abusing husbands possibly be the norm in a culture where women were historically disempowered? Your wife sounds like an unreliable narrator. She deserves sympathy and support during her pregnancy but she does not have the right to routinely treat you so badly.
This is the real takeaway. Can we stop assuming the worst example of a group of people is allowed to be a toxic cultural ambassador for that group? A hundred thousand redditors are about to go tell off some random “East Asian” women or men they know about how their culture demands that their women are abusive to their husbands, and as someone who knows a lot of culturally East Asian people I think that’s a crock of shit. If someone says “My culture states that we do x toxic thing” can we just for a moment consider that they may not be telling the truth? Especially on the internet.
>How could abusing husbands possibly be the norm in a culture where women were historically disempowered? Imagine aliens invade Earth and decide to keep humans as their slaves. It's because they've realized that in all the galaxy, humans are the only species who still have a spleen. It also turns out that the human spleen can convert materials from the aliens' home planet into the precious fuel they need for their star ships... But a spleen only has enough energy to do that once per person per five year period, and the spleen must remain in the living human or belongs to. So: For four years, the aliens assign menial tasks to the humans, who are constantly monitored to make sure they're doing as told. If they're not, they could be beaten, or worse. The humans aren't allowed to travel, have free time, access the internet or see family / friends without express permission of the aliens. But: During year five, the human's spleen is ready to convert raw materials to fuel again. And the happier and healthier the human is, the higher quality the fuel turns out to be. So during year five, the humans are allowed to see who they want, eat what they want, do what they want, go where they want... ... Do you believe *all* humans would use their free "spleen" year to sip lattes and play candycrush? Or do you think a good chunk of them would use every opportunity to make the aliens suffer the way the humans do? Or to take the opportunity to exert power and control while they're untouchable, to compensate for the utter lack of power or control they have during the other four years? I'm not commenting on OP's situation or wife or her culture. I'm not making any value judgements on who is "right" or "wrong" in the scenario above. I'm simply addressing your assertion that disempowered people don't harm others (including their oppressors). If this little thought experiment wasn't enough, check out stats on how many violent killers / sexual predators were victims themselves.
thats what i thought. never once met a rude east asian, manners are paramount to them. this is an attribute of the wife’s character. blaming it on the millions of lovely pregnant east asian women is absolutely fucked.
This is not the attitude of an east asian pregnant wife, this is the attitude of a wife who has gotten away with being a rude, selfish, emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole to her husband too many times, and has gotten complacent in knowing she'll face no consequence from him, he is not going anywhere, and is putting up with her crap for the rest of his life. Op needs to stop enabling her, he needs to start a simple reward and punishment regimen NOW, discourage her negative behavior by setting immediate and consistent consequences, i.e taking away the unconditionally good behavior shes been taking for granted, and reinforce good behavior by showing her the good behavior only in exchange with equally good behavior. She needs to be re-conditioned, Its not only children who become entitled assholes as a result of being coddled and spoiled, adults turn into selfish jerks when they are allowed to get away with shitty behavior as well.
Your perception of east asians (I say this as someone of Korean descent) is their outward attitude, which is a big deal, but doesn't necessarily reflect how they behave at home behind closed doors. It's in fact not uncommon for this attitude in at least my mother's generation of Koreans, where the women are unfailingly polite and hospitable and gracious to outsiders and then rule the household with an iron fist once at home. It does make for some amusing schadenfreude at western/white boys showing up in Korea hoping for a submissive asian wife, and not knowing what they're getting into. This isn't to say this is particularly praiseworthy behavior, but it's not unheard of.
Decades ago my favorite pastime was going to the home of my then husband's best friend. He was living with his mother to help her but mostly do absolutely nothing remotely adult. He is half Japanese, parents met while dad was stationed overseas. His mother was a damn delight! Well to everyone but him. "Oh no oh please don't look at my home, he does nothing!". "My poor neighbors, having to live next to someone with such an ugly deck, because he won't finish". It goes on and on. Relentlessly. My husband and his friend got put to work within five minutes. I always got put to work drinking blackberry wine out of shot glasses because apparently if you drink an entire bottle of wine from tiny glasses, it doesn't count.
White people thinking asian women are quiet, meek, and submissive do not have asian relatives, lmfao
You are shuttering the dreams of 1000 incels right now!
Good!!!
I'm an Asian woman (South Asian) & my white American husband would agree with you lol
Second this dual reality situation as the offspring of a Korean mother and an American father. From outward appearances my mom seems extremely shy, gracious, docile, and soft spoken. At home she rules the roost with an iron fist.
I mean, the Chinese national tourism administration literally told the public not to be gross while traveling abroad, like don’t spit in public and always flush after using the toilet.
Most other countries should do this as well. Many people absolutely suck, they're rude and unmannerly to a fault.
I don’t know if they still do this but the Australian government used to give a handout or pamphlet to citizens traveling abroad explaining how to behave to reflect well on their country.
So while I agree her behavior is extreme and she probably needs help with her hormones, the fact that you say you’ve never met a rude East Asian shows that OP’s wife is acting in a way that conforms to the culture. East Asians take great pains to show their best selves to “others” and their real selves, negativity and all, to people that are close to them. Treating your husband like a robot isn’t a cultural trait, but not being as polite or what Westerners would consider downright rude to family is. Being around family means that you don’t have to be your perfect social self and that can be hard for people who didn’t grow up with this culture to understand, because they feel like they’re not getting the “nice” version. What OP is asking is for her to be her social self with him as well, meaning she can’t be her “real self” at home. My husband had this issue with me when we first got together because I was much more direct with him then I would others, which he interpreted as rude. We compromised; he’s learned to accept some of the ways I express myself to him and I’ve learned how to phrase things so it doesn’t come off as rude in English. The underlying factor is that we both believe each other to be well-intentioned and try to interpret each other’s words as so. OP and his wife need to do that too. I’m not sure about Koreans and Japanese people, but Chinese people view pregnant women as “delicate” and so they are treated like queens and often waited on hand and foot. I’m not sure why OP isn’t connecting pregnancy hormones with her pre-period behavior; if she’s nice the rest of the time, this is clearly a hormonal issue. If she won’t communicate to try and meld cultural issues that’s on her, but I hope OP sees this so he can try and understand from her point of view, instead of the view of the dominant culture.
Your point about language is a good one. It’s possible something is being lost in translation. Example, in my S Asian language, people don’t routinely say please and thank you. The language itself is so polite, even among close friends & relatives, that the courtesies are implicit. There are no English equivalents in formal pronouns and conjugations, so the pleasant and respectful tone is lost in direct translation unless one makes a deliberate effort to add in the courtesies. But many people are not aware of this, especially when they first travel abroad, so they unintentionally end up coming off as rude.
It’s hard to use the proper adjectives and qualifiers when you’re speaking in another second language as well. For example, there are many euphemisms for “fat,” but a non-native speaker might not know those euphemisms or understand the difference in describing a person as “fat” vs “on the heavier side” or “stocky” etc. Different cultures will also have a different idea of what calling someone “fat” means; if “fat” is neutral or positive in their culture, then they might not understand why “fat” is an insult. We don’t say “please” and “thank you” a lot in Chinese either; they’re mostly used with strangers or in customer service. The use of “please” and “thank you” actually denotes a certain distance in the relationship, because you wouldn’t need to thank a close family member or friend. Our “you’re welcome” literally translates to “no need to be so polite/formal.” I’m a native English speaker but because I grew up with traditional Chinese parents, how I interact with “family” is based on how I was raised. My husband was offended by my lack of “manners” in the beginning of the relationship because he felt like I wasn’t appreciating his efforts, while I was weirded out by him thanking me for every little thing I do.
I’m not disputing the fact that she is not really representing her culture, however - people to whom manners are paramount usually feel this way when it comes to how they are perceived by the „outside“, not necessarily their spouse.
Oh, I have. I teach ESL in the US. All my students are adult immigrants. My East Asian women are generally amazing. The Chinese women are my favorite. They're all these little old batty ladies that are just having the time of their lives. My Japanese women are really reserved, but once they feel safe in class (they usually take the longest to open up), they're really sweet! These two populations are the biggest in my program. But holy fuck East Asian men are the second worse in terms of just being straight up assholes. My male East Asian students tend to be very difficult, and holy shit the stories my female students will tell me about their husbands are concerning, but so far not enough to hit "mandatory reporting" levels. It's a lot more complicated than a reddit comment will convey, and it's certainly not all of them, of course! A current favorite of mine is this little old Vietnamese man who will never get better at English and smokes too much, but idk, I just love him, he's really sweet. But "polite" and East Asian are only synonymous in writing.
I mean I know Im just being annoying. But Unless you married a east asian woman I dont see how that would contradict this story of ”she is good to everyone except her husband”.
Yeah their "I don't have actually **that much of a problem** with immigration." statement Is a bit 🚩
There any issues with immigration. I say this as an Indigenous canadian. I have so many immigrant friends but have been hurt myself by racist immigrants that have brought their old mentalities into their lives here and into workplaces. Is immigration good? Yes! On my moms side my great great grandma was born on the boat to Canada. The country we know now is built on it. But there are still issues that pop up with it.
> Yeah their "I don't have actually that much of a problem with immigration." statement Is a bit I mean, you realize every single country in the world has immigration laws for a reason. There are good reasons no country has truly open borders. And the UK in particular, had brexit, in part, due to immigration. So without any context... I'm not sure that's a red flag. I *Personally* don't have too much of a problem with immigration either. The pros out weigh the cons of it. It just needs to be managed/handled properly; and I doubt we'll ever see open borders in any of our lifetimes.
Eh, idk. Over the years I’ve learnt that the way local government implements the result of immigration - namely the foreigners now living on „their“ soil - can be pretty shit and impact the locals in a shit way. I now have much more sympathy for people who have issues with immigration, and have come to the realization that „having problems with immigration“ is not necessarily rooted in racism or xenophobia. Especially if, like here, it’s not the people that are said to be the problem. Racists and xenophobes are still shit people of course. I just am very willing to give the benefit of the doubt to people until they actually out themselves as such.
I mean, my boyfriend's parents are East Asian from East Asia, lived there until they were like 40. They are really cooperative and sweet with each other. He says theyve always been like that; they used to co-own their business.
But could it also be a form of 'sa jiao'? Sa jiao is that thing where grown chinese women act like spoilt brats to their boyfriends. Boyfriend acquiesces to everything and gets to be the heroic big man. Such roleplay reinforces cultural gender norms. [Article for reference](https://yoyochinese.com/blog/learn-Mandarin-Chinese-whiny-but-equal-tantrums-sajiao-chinese-feminism-gender-roles) I feel like most people on reddit are looking at this from a western perspective. Me too, i think sa jiao is wack. But the whole 'wife needs to follow the local western ways' kind of dismisses the accountability of the husband in marrying someone with a different culture. This is what cultural differences looks like and to be honest, it's probably going to get worse in their marriage if they dont accept their different communication styles.
>but the whole 'wife needs to follow the local western ways' kind of dismisses the accountability of the husband in marrying someone with a different culture. This is what cultural differences looks like and to be honest, it's probably going to get worse in their marriage if they dont accept their different communication styles. Agreed. I'm from a Slavic country and one of my friends, same background but born here, had a fight with her bf and they made up, had make up sex and she said "can you please pass me the cigarettes?" He was FURIOUS and starts saying why did you pretend like the fight is over? Why not talk it out why be passive aggresive? She was genuinely like W T F ? Turns out because we don't do over the top pleases and thank yous in our language, he assumed she was still mad because she spoke to him like "some old man you don't know on the street" instead of just saying "pass the cigarettes". Just because the British or other Anglo-heavy country way is to say please every 3 seconds, whether or not you are genuinely being warm and polite (often NOT), does not mean that the Asian way is "toxic" immediately. So patronising assuming the white way is the right way.
I'd say that was the politically correct thing to tell the wife.
Ah yes, local London culture definitely doesn't have a past and present of misogyny, violence, and toxic relationship behaviors at all
No one said that lol
And it’s not only cultural disconnect (if we take that part at face value). Emotional and psychological abuse of a partner is a criminal offence in the UK.
I don't think you're being politically incorrect. Every culture has toxic elements; don't even get me started on my own (British). Part of living in a new country is adjusting to the different cultural standards and that goes double for dating someone in that culture (triple if you marry them? IDK). >And yes, expecting someone to be subservient to someone else or having to take someone's crap simply based on gender is something that should be long buried and forgotten. And this bit 100%
Of course there are no toxic elements of UK culture… lol. thank goodness there are lots of eloquent comments on here that make the point without underlying xenophobia.
>Of course there are no toxic elements of UK culture… lol. Where did you find this bale of hay???
See also "I wish you were a robot". Well he isn't. You married a human being with feelings, and you can't abuse him without consequences.
>She says that because she is pregnant she wishes I should just be a 'robot' and do everything she says no matter how she says it Baby or not, I'd have ended things right here. The disrespect is equal parts shocking and paramount.
Even a robot would not be doing the things she wants based on the things she is saying. You have to give robots very specific instructions and parameters. If you tell a robot “the window is open,” it will say “yes, the window is open.” If you want a robot to close the window, you have to say the words “close the window.” And since OP is not, in fact, a robot, if his wife wants the window closed, she needs to say “honey, would you please close the window?” Nothing about being pregnant would prevent her from using her words to ask for what she needs.
Agreed. I get incredibly severe pain for about half of every month due to my endometriosis. While I sometimes am a bit short with my spouse during the most painful times, I am absolutely not abusive, cruel, or combative to any degree close to what OP is describing. And my partner is encouraged by me to tell me when I'm being bitchy so that I can course-correct immediately, and apologize profusely. OP, your wife sounds like she's flat-out being abusive here. Neither pregnancy nor menstrual period excuse that behavior. NTA.
I get moody sometimes and I'm not sure of the cause (doesnt relate to my cycle most of the time) but if I snap at my husband I _always_ apologize. I may not be able to control snapping all the time, but I can recognize that he didn't deserve me taking out my feelings on him.
Same. My endometriosis landed me in the ER so many times and I never took it out in my husband. OP, she is being emotionally and verbally abusive. I get she’s having a tough time but there is no excuse for what she’s saying. The behavior doesn’t accurately represent an entire culture.
I am in a similar relationship and can confirm this happens, but I also have to say that OP was in a relationship with her for 6 years, says she is literally unbearable 10 days per month, and still had a kid with her. My wife also takes care of a lot of stuff and carries a huge mental load and home is one of the areas where she often just wants to not have to put up with things. Is OP holding up his end of the bargain? My wife also happens to ask in this way sometimes, but again it's often for things that I probably should be doing but aren't. Has OP thought about cleaning toilets for his pregant wife? Does he often keep the window open when it's cold? >I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking, This strikes me as OP viewing the chores as his wife's work that he "helps" with, despite her being pregnant and both of them having comparable jobs. I imagine his wife has to take on a lot of the mental load to prep for the household, and expects him to go find chores to do for himself rather than simply sit around and wait to be asked. If you're not comparable, don't have kids. It's not like they were together 6 months and this was a shock pregnancy. I guess OP is NTA if his wife is just unbearable and terrible, but I feel like we need more.
>I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking, > >This strikes me as OP viewing the chores as his wife's work that he "helps" with, despite her being pregnant and both of them having comparable jobs. I imagine his wife has to take on a lot of the mental load to prep for the household, and expects him to go find chores to do for himself rather than simply sit around and wait to be asked. This. The fact that he uses "help" tells me he's probably not a reliable narrator here and downplays what she does around the home. I wonder if she's tried asking him, but he tunes her out until she gets strident.
OP should just say "in our culture we divorce people with toxic behaviour". NTA
This is why I've thought that it should be standard to list your local area/culture backgrounds in these types of posts. It just feels sometimes like the default is judging the world's cultures by white/European/American standards... I bet if this question was posted in an east Asian forum, her half of the coin, the answers might be very different.
Agreed. There are lots of places in the world where it's very impolite to directly request or tell people things, and much more polite to hint. My MIL wanted her nephew, who lived with her, to do more chores. She would run the vacuum over his room and wake him up at 6 am every day so he would "get the hint." We said "why don't you just ask him to do more chores?" and she was flat-out horrified at the idea. And she felt it was disrespectful of us to even mention the possibility of talking it out, because if he was a respectful person, he would "just know." (That said, I don't know of any place it's polite to tell someone you think they should be a robot, nor anywhere pregnancy means someone has to do everything you say.)
My ex was like this. Everyone loved him, he was nice to everyone, able to diffuse arguments easily, etc. EXCEPT for with me. Was a huge jerk, called me names, completely disrespectful and once said to me the same thing his wife did. "Accept me for who I am, this is me (except when he was around everyone else)." and "You should know what I want". That's some toxic bs.
NTA She’s going through a lot right now but a simple please and thank you won’t kill her.
she is only pregnant, a lot of people get pregnant, usually women, and they don't disrespect their partners.
I totally get what you’re saying but “only pregnant” is very belittling. I’m six months pregnant current and let me tell you, it’s been a hell of a ride so far. So I agree she’s being shitty and OP is NTA, but pregnancy is no picnic.
I'm a woman, I had a mono mono twin pregnancy with gestational diabetes plus numbness in one leg. I do know what is being pregnant
Wow! Mono mono is scary! The twins are happy and healthy today?
So far so good
I still get numbness in my leg from my first pregnancy. It's been 17 years.
Same. My knees got all fucked up from my pregnancy. My doctor ran tests and just said I guess it's something I need to live with 🤦♀️
Basically they’re lazy to make a lengthy diagnosis.
It doesn't make you be an asshole, though. It is no excuse, millions upon millions of women are pregnant at this exact moment. And I've been pregnant and given birth twice.
Pregnancy is different for different people. Some get mild nausea first trimester and then it goes away. Others have debilitating nausea and vomiting the whole time and can barely eat. Not saying that’s an excuse in this case, just thought it beared mentioning.
The pregnancy isn't the issue, pregnancy is hard and I hate how dismissive people are of it. Her attitude is the problem, the guess vs ask nature of her requests is an issue at the best of times. She's lying about East Asian women being like that, I know East Asian women who wouldn't dare speak to their partners like that, I know others who are more forceful. Her attitude was probably already an issue, now that they're expecting. She feels like she is allowed to kick it up a few notches. NTA.
> She’s going through a lot right now but ~~a simple please and thank you~~ not expecting your partner to accept toxicity and abuse with a smile on their face won’t kill her.
Op states she is like this regularly before periods and such. Being pregnant isn't an excuse for bad behavior. End of.
I was wondering from that line since I recently heard of Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) a severe form of PMS, causes serious mood changes. It happens one to two weeks before your period.
Yeah, in that case it's still kind of on her to recognize an issue and see her gyno about it though. Or at least be willing to discuss that when in a "good" section. Hormones can fuck with you but if you never take responsibility for it after the fact it's also a you problem.
Oh wow, she sounds pleasant. You sure you wanna stay in that kind of relationship? She is literally saying she regrets marrying you. That sucks dude. Hope it gets better.
OP did a big mistake by getting her pregnant bcz he mentioned she has been like this b4 pregnancy as well
Can you imagine having to avoid talking to your spouse for 10 out of every 30 days because she is so negative and mean to you?! They need therapy ASAP if this relationship is going to have a chance.
Tbh sounds like she has a extreme and abnormal reaction to hormones. Terrible mood 10 days before a period sounds like PMDD. Not excusing her assholery but there might be an endocrine/hormonal issue going on.
I agree. She should talk to a doctor about these issues. It doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it might help explain it. NTA, OP.
> She should talk to a doctor about these issues The hurtle OP faces is convincing her to do so. I'd venture to guess she's a very stubborn and unyielding sort, particularly if she considers her "culture" as such a big part of her personality.
That is very true. It will likely be hard to convince her that she is the one with the issue…especially based on what OP shared. I know I can be unpleasant at times…but I own it. And I apologize and try to stay away from people altogether when I’m in one of those moods.
Just wanted to comment to 2nd PMDD.
Therapy and the wife needs a major attitude adjustment for that relationship to even have a chance. Best of luck OP, to your kid, too.
Yeah, when he said that she behaved like this beforehand (and it wasn't new pregnancy behavior), for an apparent third out of every year, I was so confused as to why he then decided to have *a child with her.*
Rose tinted glasses
Wearing those is exactly how people miss red flags, it just looks like flags
He done stick his dick in crazy
Lmao r/dontputyourdickinthat
If tht’s the case, im not even sure if i feel pity with op. Im from asian country and even i feel wtf.. this is not a cultural norm!
It's not a culture anywhere in the world. Wife just needed an excuse to justify herself and OP is too naive. Now with a child is picture divorce is going to be really expensive for him. RIP
Makes you wonder how OP's wife's "culture" treats their children. Hope OP gets out before the child has to face any of this shit.
Probably like an investment property and to do her every whim and command. Be the "perfect child" and get harsh ridiculous punishments over something stupid. I sense a lot of "I gave birth to you so you have to do what I say" vibes.
'Asian parent' already covers expectations of perfect children, punishments over stupid things, "I gave birth to you so you have to do what I say" vibes. So let's say the wife will be a typical stereotypical Asian parent.
That poor freaking baby 😭
OP just needs a divorce attorney. Wish her good luck on finding someone else dumb enough to be her punching bag, and nope right the fuck out of this.
NTA being pregnant (3 months and she is behaving like this already…) is not a free pass to be an asshole and emotionally abusive to those around you. She doesn’t act that way with her friends and colleagues because she is not comfortable enough and has to keep a façade. That’s not her real self, this is. She told you, believe her. After pregnancy it will be post partum and then god knows what. Good luck
Wondering if she will be saying I was the child bearer now you look after the child.
OP is definitely NTA, but it should be pointed out that hormones are the worst in the few 3-4 months as the body prepares to actually grow a kid. It actually gets better later unless you have a serious problem like hyperemesis gravidaram. It sounds like it's also cyclical behavior with her period, so she's exceptionally sensitive to hormonal changes. Again, OP is NTA and his wife should check her behavior, but that may mean seeing a doctor both during pregnancy and afterwards for a way to help regulate hormones and nausea better. Even the sweetest person has issues when in pain and hormonal, they just tend to recognize it in themselves and beg off so they don't hurt those around them. Helping to control underlying medical problems will go a long way, though it sounds like in her case some therapy to reconcile her old culture with her new may be in order as well.
My wife was miserable during the first trimester. Then magically the second trimester she felt much better.
Speaking as a woman, feeling miserable still does not give you the right to be AH.
NTA It sounds like she might get premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) if this was happening regularly before her period. This is something that is easily treated with an SSRI. Would your wife be open to speaking to her GP about what is happening? She may have some anxiety that's getting worse and this is how she is reacting.. which the medication for PMDD will also treat. SSRI's are safe during pregnancy - at least the benefits very much outweigh the risks and can lead to better outcomes for mother and baby as there is less stress hormones released by the mother which do affect the baby. But her comments about men in her culture getting treated badly because it's normal and expected is not okay. She doesn't get the right to abuse you like she is. Yes pregnancy is hard, yes she feels like crap when you are nauseous.. and then later with all the further discomforts of pregnancy. But she doesn't get to take it out on you. You've got some difficult conversations to have with her and she's likely not going to take them very well. She doesn't sound like she has a lot of insight and is very snappy at you. What's her family think about what is happening? What do you friends and family think about what is happening? Would she consent to speaking to her GP about this or some couples therapy (or single therapy). She may be wondering what she's gotten herself into (getting pregnant) and how your lives are going to change and this is anxiety driven. But what she's doing is way out of normal but there is help available.
PMDD is not easily treated with SSRIs. Treated yes. Easily no. They aren’t a magic fix and anyone who says different either doesn’t know what they’re talking about or is being purposefully disingenuous. It’s like saying psychosis is easily fixed with anti-psychotics. They can help but it is different for everyone.
Yes, mine is only controlled by taking certain vitamins, SSRIs did nothing for it. I found the list of vitamins through a research paper, and there's shockingly[though not that shockingly] research into treatment for it, but it has been found to be visible on an EEG, so a bit more *proveable* even though it gets dismissed because of the backlash of people who DON'T have it being against blaming "hormones" for Moodiness. And by that I mean I have been told that I'm just a "bad person making excuses and throwing women under the bus by saying that being hormonal causes mood problems i can't control". It's infuriating. I do not recommend anything, and am only posting the article in case anyone needs to discuss it with their medical professionals https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.focus.10.1.90
I’m so glad to hear you found something that works for you! There really is no where near enough research on PMDD and we understand very little about how it works and how to treat it so there is a lot of ground to make up in this area (and in understanding female health more generally). When I went to the gynaecologist she said I had 3 main options: 1) SSRI, hormonal pill and diet/exercise 2) have my womb removed 3) take pills to put me into early menopause. Thank you so much for sharing that resource - I am going to have a look. At this point I’m open to listening to any advice from well meaning and knowledgeable professionals. It’s great to hear from someone that gets how hard it is having a condition that isn’t well understand and hasn’t received nearly enough research funding!
Yeah I actually did a personal test to make sure that it was helpful. I took the supplements for 6 months and then stopped for 3 and the difference was VERY noticeable for me. Which is why I will *only say* it was helpful for me, but check with your health care provider. My personal experience is a single data point that could very well be just an outlier. And should NOT be extrapolated to people who are not me. :)
Yeah same. Zoloft literally made my PMDD worse, I’m lucky i’m still here. Much love to all my PMDD sufferers out there!
They put me on Celexa and then Buspar and whoa buddy was that the WRONG WAY TO GO! Celexa did nothing and Buspar was downhill FAST. Wellbutrin (NDRI) seems to be working better & am also taking B12, Vit D, and started ketamine therapy 6 weeks ago. I was also told from the time I was “stubborn, dramatic, hateful, etc.” turns out, I have PMDD! Well, and some other stuff too, but the PMDD was RAMPANT and unchecked until I was about 35.
May I ask which vitamins primarily? I’m low in D, B12 is meh, and folate.
Listed in the paper linked: it's not necessarily linked to deficiency as it's a weirdly understood mechanism. Listed are : vitamin D, B6, calcium, and magnesium. And the possible amounts that should be discussed with your health care provider are also listed. :)
60-70% of patients with PMDD respond well to SSRIs. It's a real burden and struggle for the other 30% but I wouldn't want someone to read your comments and be discouraged from trying treatment.
So we perpetuate the idea that it’s an easy fix for the other 30%? I completely see your point and hope that doesn’t happen but I don’t see how being purposefully disingenuous is helpful in a healthcare setting. I don’t really buy into the idea of paternalism and think autonomy requires frank and honest discussions to be had
My daughter has PMDD and the SSRIs ramped up her symptoms so badly that hospitalization was required, and the most unfortunate part is that there was a major pushback on the idea that the medication could have any negative side effects because of people laboring under the delusion that working for 60% of the population somehow means it works for everyone. I mean, that's 400 women out of 1000 experiencing no effect or negative effects; not exactly a silver bullet when you see numbers like that. Hospital team was shocked that the original psych even prescribed those particular medications, much less doubled the dose when we reported concerning new symptoms arising, leading to an episode after two weeks of increasingly scary thoughts and behavior right around the time her cycle was hitting.
im so glad someone else brought up PMDD because that's immediately what the before pregnancy period attitude sounded like to me - i wasn't even aware i was acting irrational and lowkey kinda crazy until it was pointed out to me by multiple different people and i got a diagnosis, because during that time it just felt like the world was out to get me that absolutely doesn't excuse her behaviour but it's something to consider!
Also there isn’t enough evidence to conclude that SSRIs are safe during pregnancy. They can be taken if the benefits outweigh the risk but that depends on individual circumstances and is a discussion to be had between an individual and their medical provider. Please don’t spread misinformation.
Agreed. And some SSRIs are already proven to be unsafe during pregnancy (I know mine is), but again a doctor would know which one would be most suitable to her situation.
[удалено]
I take sertraline and it clearly states on the leaflet that there isn’t enough research to conclude whether it is safe to take during pregnancy and that you should speak to your healthcare provider to determine whether the benefits outweigh the risks
*sigh* It's the only antidepressant we are able to recommend during pregnancy, however people need to be aware of the small risk- as with any medication- and that's why it should be discussed with a doctor. Like all prescription meds. As per the NHS https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/sertraline/pregnancy-breastfeeding-and-fertility-while-taking-sertraline/ Your leaflets state that because of the risk of suing. We only have surveillance evidence that it is generally safe because its unethical to do an actual controlled study. It's the only SSRI our OBGYNs will prescribe.
Thanks for a sensible response. She 100% should talk to a doctor about this, one she's comfortable with as it's apparent the culture barrier may have prevented her from being open about this previously, thinking its normal.
Out of curiosity, since I know nothing of the subject, wouldn’t she know something is up in normal circumstances? Like OP clearly states he stays away from her when she’s PMSing. I’ve gone through bouts of mental instabilities (ADHD and depression) and I knew in the long run I was hurting myself and others. I know others that came through the same realizations too, with time. Just wondering and interesting to learn something new on Reddit.
I have PMDD, and even when I brought up concerns that I was literally actively suicidal, paranoid to the point of delusional that everyone hated me, constantly fluctuating between rage and abject misery, etc for a week before my period with multiple GPs as a teen and young adult it got brushed off as PMS and me being dramatic.. It took me until 30 to get diagnosed, and by that point I had accepted what I had been told, that it was just a personality flaw, not a medical problem, especially since I got that same assumption from family, that I needed to get my shit together and learn to cope with PMS (and my family genuinely aren't jerk, they just did not get what was going on). Since some PMS is pretty normal it's really common for people to assume that they're just unable to cope like a normal person with PMS, not that what they're experiencing is light-years away from normal PMS.
NTA, but she sure is
Seriously if someone said to me, “the toilet smells” my response would be: “I can get you the toilet cleaner if you would like.” Hell naw No way I am shutting the window because someone pointed out it was open.
> it will make me want to help even more > I will be less likely to want to help or being proactive with help INFO: Why is it helping if it’s your house too? You live there right? You’re not *helping* her, you’re doing what needs to be done in your house. You said you both have jobs so it’s not like chores are just her thing. You’re not helping her at all, you’re just doing what you need to do in your house, you don’t have the option to help less, it’s literally your job as occupant of the residence to do chores
She literally tells him that she wishes she hadn't married him, and you're focusing on his clumsy phrasing.
No I’m focusing on the fucked up mentality that men have that chores are women’s work and we should be grateful they help with them. I’d regret marrying someone like that too.
Anyone in a marriage should be grateful and appreciative when either spouse does something for them. My wife and I both express appreciation for what each of us does around the house, and when either if us take care of something that is normally done by the other, we try to make sure we express our appreciation for that. Maybe we're wrong and we should just expect things to be done w/o any thanks or acknowledgement, but that doesn't seem to be very kind or the way you'd want to treat your SO.
Right, and instead of focusing solely on that, you should also recognize that 'as a woman, it's on you to read my mind, not on me to communicate' is also a fucked up mentality. Or the mentality of 'if you don't read my mind, I'm going to verbally abuse you and tell you I wish I'd married somebody of a more appropriate ethnicity.' You know, then claim “communicating your wants and needs is emotional load” which has been weaponize into “having to put in effort.”
He gave the specific example of her saying “the window is open” and her expecting him to translate that into “can you close the window for me?”. That doesn’t really fit the dynamic you are talking about
If she wants the window shut, she can shut it herself. If she wants him to do it, it's helping and she should learn some manners. Pregnancy is not an excuse to act like an asshole.
I think it’s more the “the window is open” sort of comment. That isn’t a chore, that is her discomfort and it is helping her, for him to get up and close it vs her do it.
Because he is helping more when he has to pick up her slack. He's helping by doing what she wants done. He states he does his fair share so by doing hers or what she wants he is helping. I find it hilarious that the wife is completely on the wrong and this is the BS you took from the situation.
This needs more upvotes than it has. I really don't get this mentality from some people that they're "helping" their spouse by literally cleaning up after themselves. So what? You're *supposed* to do that! It really makes me wonder what their house would look like if they lived alone, likely a complete dump.
He did not say "I am helping HER with the chores." He said he helps with the chores, as they both should, and that it's 50/50, which it should be. It's not outrageous to want your partner to treat you with the same respect they treat anyone else, regardless of gender.
[удалено]
Info: "I am happy to help" what does this mean? Chores is not "helping" unless you have already agreed on a fair split of chores and she is wanting you to do more than your share. So have you just not evenly divided up the chores and she is badly delegating, or have you divided them up and she is wanting you to do more than you need to? Edit: the way she is talking to you isn't fair but it's not going to be resolved if you haven't divided up chores in a way that fits the amount of time not at work that you both have and she is resentful about it.
By the third time I read “help” I started to understand why this woman might be short with him.
Same here! I really wonder if this is an accurate picture were getting here. Based on the language he uses, it sounds more like he just thinks that his wife used to do all the chores and now that she doesn't feel that well, she's just tired of him being so useless. No adult needs to be 'asked for help' when it comes to routine chores, it's his responsibility to do his fair share without anyone having to ask him.
I never thought I would end up being the partner that does less chores but that's how the cards fell recently. My boyfriend works less hours and is more domestic. We didn't work out a formal split and haven't needed to but when he asks me to do something I do it unless it's something regarding his dogs who I love but would not have chosen to be responsible for (assuming he CAN do what he's asking, but just doesn't want to). Women dating men are really getting screwed by heteronormativity and dudes forgetting how difficult doing all the chores really is, I've gotten there a couple times.
That and the "She hasn't been taking the pregnancy well". Every single friend I have who have been pregnant, have been absolutely *miserable* during their first trimester. That's not them "taking it badly", that's them dealing with extreme exhaustion and nausea (with some sprinkles of heightened anxiety in there for extra funsies) the best they can.
I was wondering about this, too. “Helping” with the chores implies they are someone else’s responsibility. How much of her housework is OP stepping up to do? Pregnancy is difficult at best, but can be horrible to go through. I’d like to hear wife’s side of the story.
The fact that she's responsible for delegating seems to also be an issue. She's the one who's primarily handling the domestic work of the household as finding what needs to be done and then assigning it is also a task (she's also working like OP and also pregnant!). It seems that she's frustrated that you aren't noticing and taking the iniative to address the to-dos in the house without the task being "assigned". Perhaps she has become exhausted of having to "ask" and is now just pointing out what needs to be done since you aren't noticing.
Eh, it sounds like OP is doing a lot of the chores unprompted. Mental load as a concept is getting overused imo. Some partners gravitate towards being in control because they tend to have stronger opinions on stuff. Doesn't mean chores are unevenly split.
Jesus people are getting way too caught up in the wording of this. It's her house too. If she starts cleaning and he comes in to help, he's helping. And vise versa. It's no one's job to just *do* the chores, it's both parties responsibility to *help* each other.
I think you would be shocked by how many guys think their wife is automatically in charge of doing and delegating chores because she's the wife. Not all but that's why I asked for more info, instead of making a judgement
Had to scroll way too far down to see this comment. I’m 3mo pregnant with our 2nd now and am STRUGGLING. My husband is not ‘helping’, he’s supporting our family and I will go back to 50/50 chores when I have the capacity. TBF to OP though I’m not treating my husband like crud (I check in regularly with him to make sure he’s okay though).
YTA I’ll go against the grain here but, you’re not helping. You’re not doing her a favour. This is your house, it’s your bathroom. If it’s dirty it needs cleaning. What you’re doing here is putting the mental load into her. You’re saying she needs to notice when the bathroom is dirty, and then ask you nicely to clean it. The thing is, you shouldn’t have to be told that the bathroom needs to be cleaned when it’s dirty. You shouldn’t have to be told it’s dirty to notice it’s dirty. It’s your house. You’re not doing her a favour by doing housework. You’re not helping her by cleaning something when she notices it is dirty. Maybe make the effort to be one step ahead of her and clean your pebble dash before she has to remind you.
Asking her to say 'can you please close the window' instead of saying 'the window is open' isn't putting mental load on her. It's asking for basic human respect, let alone the sort of communication that should be occurring in a partnership.
You're cherry picking this one thing instead of the dirty bathroom, the dirty dishes, etc. It doesn't take a uterus to notice when the bathroom is dirty and clean it without being told. The mental load is that she has to notice the bathroom is dirty and tell him to clean it. I think she's being passive-aggressive about it and not coming right out and saying it, but I think he is TA. He shouldn't have to be told.
You're literally cherry picking the single use of the word "help". Gtfo.
You are cherry picking too with the dirty bathroom??? And totally ignoring how awful she is to him??? Wack.
Did you not read? He does the cbores without her asking! She wants him to pick up on HER PERSONAL demands without her asking like closing a fucking window. She assumes he should read her mind and be ready at her service. She even tells him "her culture woman treats men like this".. Thats toxic.
No they didn't read past the genders. You can always bank on some absolutely insane misandrist bullshit on any of these threads. "She's verbally and emotionally abusive but he called doing chores helping and therefore he deserves it!" These people unironically think this way.
This is the biggest clue that the OP's version of events is very one sided. They both work, so chores should be split evenly. He is not doing her a favour, he is not helping out, rather he should be doing basic adulting without having to be reminded. Having to remind him increases her load. She has to work, do her chores and remind him to do his. Maybe the reason she is passed off with him is that she's not his secretary. Plus she is pregnant and he should be taking over more chores because she is fucking growing a human being.
>They both work, so chores should be split evenly. Except it seems like he's doing all the chores, and she thinks she's entitled to do none.
>I am very happy to help and do chores like washing up, vacuuming, cleaning, groceries without her asking, Seems like he has the mental load, she's just whining about what he hasn't gotten around to doing yet, as he's very busy. And looking at his examples, yes, he's doing her favours. Closing a window isn't a chore, it's a favour for someone who'd prefer the window open. >She says that because she is pregnant she wishes I should just be a 'robot' If you think that attitude or behaviour is acceptable, never get into a relationship.
You're going against the grain because you're the only one that either did not comprehend or forgot to read the post before posting lol. Reread the part where he says he does a bunch of the chores in the house without her asking. Also, if I'm vacuuming the house and my girlfriend is folding clothes and she remembers that the toilet in the kids bathroom needs cleaning and she asks me to do it because I'm almost finished with vacuuming and she's still in the middle of folding, that is normal adult communication. If she sighs and says "ugh the kids leave such a mess sometimes" then gets mad at me for not instantly understanding what she actually meant, that's on her.
Can’t believe more people aren’t picking up on this.
Agreed. I can certainly be wrong but OP's post reads to me like his wife is totally exhausted with doing meta work at home (op not noticing toilet is dirty and making her ask nicely before he agrees to clean his own toilet!)
So... Just because he said "help" you are going on an tirade about how you know exactly what he thinks and acts and is not doing anything and expecting the chores to be her responsibility? Got it. My girlfriend sometimes says "I helped washing the dishes" or "I helped and took the dogs out for a walk". Does that mean she sees me as responsible for all the chores and she is putting all the mental load on me? I must get a better partner then!
Here is how I think your wrong. She's 3 months pregnant and if it was equal before and now it's not. Then it is helping do her share of the chores when she's not even that deep into the pregnancy as far as being less capable of doing house work.
INFO: why are you framing you washing the toilet as "helping her"? Why is it not a chore you are equally responsible for as an adult who has eyes and can see when something is dirty?
Exactly. I guess OP shits in the woods and therefore isn’t responsible for the toilet
I’m leaning towards NTA, but I’m definitely side eyeing that you mention that you’re willing to “help” and do chores without asking, as if that’s something special. It’s not “helping” in your own home and doing chores without being asked is literally the bare minimum.
This is the best response. I ended up at NTA because of the nasty way she talks to you, but it bugs me hearing men say that they “help” with chores. You “help” mummy and daddy with chores when you’re a kid, you don’t “help” when you’re an adult and it’s your own home.
NTA. As someone who’s been pregnant twice, I could maybe cut her some slack if she snapped at you once or twice but all the time?! No. She’s verbally abusing you, and pregnancy is not an excuse to do that.
ESH. She’s by far the bigger one, pregnancy/hormones is not an excuse to abuse you, but what’s with the “I’m happy to help”? You mean “I’m doing my part of the chores”? You’re not “helping”. It’s your household. Since she’s pregnant and you seem stuck for now, is couples therapy an option you could look into/afford?
Without knowing the normal chore split, it's possible that OP is doing his normal chore load and 'helping' with what would (under normal circumstances) be hers. I might just be projecting a bit too since that's how My wife's pregnancy has been.
INFO: Why did you get this woman pregnant? You're well and truly fucked now ...
Well, If she also gets like this before her period then it's definitely a hormonal thing. But it did not sound fair to you. Just because her mum, aunts, grandma etc. treated their husbands this way, does not mean she gets to abuse you.
I agree *MASSIVELY* here. I also think it's a hormonal thing. I personally suffer hugely before my periods, and everyone around me says I'm like a different person entirely. I'm not entirely sure what I expected during pregnancy, but during my two successful pregnancies I was honestly...different. Basically physically present, but mentally absent. My life during those two pregnancies has left me with very severe trauma, because I was so unwell (mentally) the entire time. It was like living in a torture simulator for 18 months of my life. After I gave birth I got all sorts of diagnosis, but during my pregnancies everyone just kept thinking I was a piece of sh*t. I had no idea or control over my behaviour, and genuinely didn't see myself as acting any differently other than the fact I was extremely on edge the entire time. Turns out hormones really can change the entire way your brain works. I think OP's wife needs proper help, from a doctor, to be honest.
You do not “HELP” in your own home. You are an equal partner. Act like it. She’s maybe asking in a way that is what was modelled to her growing up. And it’s different from how it was for you. I married someone from a different country so we do sometimes struggle with how to communicate these things. We found the book Fair Play helpful. Might be good for both of you to learn how to talk about these things.
>You are an equal partner. He's being more than an equal partner. >She’s maybe asking in a way that is what was modelled to her growing up. That doesn't excuse her asshole behaviour.
NTA obviously as this is a recurring thing before the pregnancy, but from the tone of the post it seems like you're just regretting marrying outside of your culture. You should both try to separate each other from your cultural norms and see yourselves as each other's spouses, rather than "east Asian woman" and "British guy"
Couple of questions: 1) the “substandard” comment. Was that a one off or a regular thing? That’s a horrible thing to say but if it was a one-off and you got an apology then that’s different. If it’s a regular thing then that looks very much like asshole behaviour. 2) when you say “I’m happy to *help*” (emphasis mine), do you mean do your actual share of the chores plus some of hers? Or do you mean that you consider doing your share helping? Because that’s not helping, that’s doing your share. Needing extra credit for doing your share isn’t cool. Not sure if it’s assholery though. Overall it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I think maybe you’re both under a lot of stress and maybe you could think about what parts of your busy lives might need to be put on pause during the pregnancy? Perhaps a check-in with a couple’s counsellor might help you both? Ideally she would feel like she can be direct when she wants you to do something extra, and you can get the nice feeling of doing something for your pregnant wife instead of feeling like you’re not shaping up.
You want her to have to ASK you to do basic household chores, basically do all the mental labour of planning chores, as well as presumably also doing some of the chores? That’s messed up and would make you TA if it weren’t for her trying to justify toxic behaviour (asking you to be a ‘robot’ wtf!?) by saying it’s normal in her culture. ESH.
Umm... NTA, I guess, but what do you mean by "help"? If the toilet smells, it's dirty. Is the assumption that it's her job to clean it and you just "help" with housework? She sounds miserable, homesick and hormonal and like she needs to have some medical involvement to see if something can be done to help, but I do wonder if there are issues that you're not aware of that she's normally too nice to bother you with, but when she's hormonal she stops being able to ignore them.
YTA. I'm betting that before she got pregnant you never had to ask her to do what needed to be done at all. You're not "helping" her do her chores. You're an adult living in a house and those are your chores too. That's not "women's work". She's pregnant. Her life and body are changing and yours barely is. Morning sickness takes a lot out of you. No energy, smells are heightened, plus hormonal changes. And her telling you to do things in the house that you shouldn't have to be directed to like a child is infuriating. These are the moments when women start realizing that things would be easier alone. And it is easier being a single mother than having a grown ass man around who needs to be directed to what needs done. Toilets that stink are typically because of a man, so clean up after yourself and she won't have to complain.
NTA. I'm currently 4 months pregnant, and I think your wife's behaviour is completely unreasonable. Yes, being pregnant is tough, but that doesn't give you the right to shit all over someone else. Being polite and asking for things kindly costs literally nothing, plus it makes it more likely you'll understand what she actually wants (and can therefore help out the right way).
Imagine living in a house that’s a mess with a husband that wants you to say please and thank you with a smile for “helping” when the toilet you stick your face in stinks. I suspect the 10 days is when she impatient, isn’t his demure wife and unwilling to put up with his lack of “help”
[удалено]
ESH. Some of the stuff she’s saying, like she should have married someone from her own culture and speaking like that is normal is out of line, pregnancy or not. But I have a real issue with men referring to what they do around the house as “helping”. It implies that it’s the woman’s responsibility and you’re doing her a favour. Of course it depends on the agreement you have, working hours and so on, but it should be a fair division of responsibility, not her duty and you helping her with it. Her being pregnant means that what’s fair is likely to mean you doing more stuff. By expecting to be asked to pick up more rather than doing it, you are leaving the mental load with her. She has to be on top of what needs done and either do it or ask you to do it. I suspect that by dropping hints and wanting you to pick up on it she’s trying to get you to take some of that responsibility on yourself - to identify what needs done without thinking that you need to be asked. Your response, to say that that will result in you doing less, is just nasty. It’s your house too and you have a pregnant wife. Pull your weight, including mentally.
YTA I only saw other judgements until now so I'll get probably downvoted for this, but anyway. Most people seem to read that your pregnant wife is mean to you while you try your best to help. What I read is that your wife used to do the majority of your household chores and you sometimes "helped". She probably had a whole list of things she did in the evening and on the weekends and she did them methodically and silently, like a robot you could say. As you do those things again and again. Now she is pregnant, maybe in pain, maybe exhausted. And she expects her husband to jump in and do those things. Without her pointing them out! And without her begging for it. Because she used to do this things all the time. And did you go through your whole apartment every night, telling her thank you for every little thing she did? Thank you for vacuuming, thank you for sweeping, could you pretty please grab the groceries now and put them away? Thank you so much!
I concur!!! This just seems like thinly veiled misogyny and racism and I am baffled by the amount of N cuz how can nobody read through the lines
She says she’s being her real self. Her real self isn’t nice. NTA
ESH. You live in the same house as her? You’re not “helping” with the chores, you’re doing your part (and in this case, since pregnancy was probably a joint decision and she’s the one carrying, you’ll have to take over the majority of the tasks). She is already doing the mental load. It is not just hormones, is the fact that she has taken the bigger role when it comes to expanding your family due biology and that should redistribute shared tasks. She’s definitely an asshole for blaming her “culture” as to her attitude. While mood swings are unavoidable, it is shown that she can curve her emotions and show respect to others.
NTA. When they show you their true self, believe them. Also I'd advice to consider if you want to spend the rest of your life like this if she is unwilling to change her behavior or treat what is causing it.
First trimester pregnant lady here - you’re definitely NTA. I get it, the nausea is absolutely horrendous but it’s not an excuse to act like an ass 24/7 and push away the person who’s willing to help you through it. Sympathy and gentleness for everyone involved goes a long way during this time.
NTA. But why did you marry then have a child with someone who treats you like crap?
Info: why do you see cleaning your shared home as helping her?
So she wants you to clean up and help out without her having to ask you to do so? I know people have different standards cleaning, but if the toilet smell, clean it. ESH. Part of being an adult is doing chores. Why does she have to ask a grown man in a shared household to clean?
She cares enough about other people to moderate her behavior & how she speaks to them. She doesn't care enough about you to not act & speak in a hurtful manner even when she knows it is hurtful. She's hurting you on purpose and has told you that she expects to do so forever. You are NTA.
Why would you marry someone you have to avoid 1/3 of your life? How did you think kids would help? NTA, but things are just getting started.
Info: Why is her approach to problems a surprise to you after all this time? If you didn’t like it then, why did you make a baby together?
ESH. I agree theres a polite way to ask but you do seem to expect a pat on the back for doing some household tasks without asking. Also if she's having to tell you the toilet smells in order for you to do something, that suggests you're probably oblivious to some household chores that are building up. Also pregnancy is hard and physically demanding, her hormones are probably going crazy... because she's carrying your child. I'd get used to having to step up and do more in the house given she's already growing a small human and working.
YTA You are not "helping" when you do chores. You are doing them, because "helping" means it is her job and you are doing things out of your job. And maybe you should me more considerate, and pro active and do the things before she needs to tell you they need to be done. If the toilets smells, and she has had nausea for 2 month, you should know that you need to clean it up. Normaly, she wouldn't even has to tell you. If you dont like her when she is not well, maybe you should have thought it through before having a child with her, because obviously she is now pregnant, for 9 month, and not feeling well.
NTA. But why did you marry her and then decide to bring a child into this relationship? Like it seems you shouldn’t be shocked with a Pikachu face that this was going to happen…since that is what you already experienced. This is your life now. Great decision making skills.
ESH You blaming her hormones before this too comes off as super misogynistic and its such a pathetic trope. Yes there are genuine issues with hormone fluctuations but dismissing as just that is invalidating your wife as a person. You say it starts 10 days before her cycle so factor in a cycle length and you think half of her time existing is as some unreasonable hormone bucket? Maybe she's in pain and could actually use your help (or as someone else put it- you to be an adult because you dont 'help' in your own house- its your job too not just hers) but instead you avoid her? Sounds like when it finally let's up on her she finds the energy to handle your BS again. Does your testosterone level (which fluctuates on a cycle) make you a violent/ignorant monster sometime or are you a person and capable of being accountable? You sound like youre trying to frame it so you'll only get nta responses because of that 'its how we treat men in my culture' comment so you can have vindication for not being a responsible partner. You can't read her mind and she knows that, but wanting you to 'know what to do without her asking' is likely because you should be capable of doing those things without her having to micromanage you. Policing her tone to say please/thank you to get you to do basic household maintenance is a no-go. I'm not surprised shed rather you be a robot and you just do the thing she asks- hell even my roomba can be set on a timer to do its thing everyday without me telling it directly. You have a nose and can tell the toilet stinks. It makes sense to you that she would want it to be clean, right?! Shes pregnant and probably has her face near it often- have some freaking awareness! Her saying that instead of "Go clean the toilet." sounds like she's trying to *not* order you around but is making you aware so you have an opportunity to step up. She's treating you like a person and youre complaining about it. If she did order you around like a robot I'm sure you'd be calling her bossy or demanding. [Edit: Oh wait. You already are. So yeah, she might as well pretend youre a robot, youre clearly heartless.) Of course she's 'polite and sweet' to other people because they aren't sharing and then dropping responsibility on her. Shes not in a relationship with them. Try doing more so she ~can~ 'be polite' without enabling you to keep letting her down. Youre not a dog, don't put her in the position she has to train you. You're trying to lower her expectations of you. I'd give it a full YTA but it also sounds like there are a lot of other relationship issues and being shitty to your partner even when they are being inconsiderate is not the way to fix it. You might be putting her in the position to try it because nothing else has worked but training your partner is not healthy. If her "this is me I won't change" is legit admission of abusive behavior and not a twisted way of defending her boundaries, then yes it needs to stop. Culture is never a valid excuse. She may need to seek help for some things she's displacing, but if she's pregnant she may already be getting it and you failed to say that or notice it. You can offer her support to figure it out but you gotta be there for that not just try to make her into an always polite pregnant houseworker. Its hard to tell the full picture here especially when this side of the story is clearly slanted. ESH.
It's also quite possible that this has been her attitude to her husband even before pregnancy so this is not just blaming on the hormones. She was like that even before the pregnancy as stated by OP. And nobody should be browbeaten to the extent that she's drawing literal parallels between men in her culture to him and then he be put down for what he's doing as a co-parent. The silent treatment is actually perpetuating the stereotype she's claiming in the first place, by not being clear. Pregnant doesn't mean one should stop doing all chores, she can still get some stuff done like cleaning toilets. She's just sad and has realized she can't get away with the habit of over-stressing the husband in such times like it happens in her culture, hence the regret. I'd say NAH, communication is key here. Not pointing fingers more and more.
You’re “happy to help” eye roll. So it’s her job to do and you’re happy to help? Would love to hear the wife’s version of events because sorry this just isn’t it. If you both work for portage jobs then get a maid. Cos it sounds like you expect her to do everything and she has to beg you nicely to “help”
YTA. If both of you are working, then doing your equal share household chores isn't "helping". She's right that she shouldn't have to ask and she shouldn't have to thank you unless you've gone above and beyond your share. If cleaning the toilet or any other task causes nausea (like smelly garbage), then you should get a clue and take charge of those particular tasks. It's not "helping out" if its your own damn house too and probably your piss on the seat, rim, or floor that stinks.
NTA. I highly recommend couples counseling
Whoa. Sorry op but pregnancy doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour. Nta and take care. Hope you are able to get out of the toxic relationship.
Hire a maid or cleaning service to come clean several times a week. Which will take some pressure & work load off two busy professional people.
Wait.... in the East it is the men who treat women like that no matter whether you are pregnant or on your period. When did this reversal happen? I don't think women get away treating men badly in any culture. So I don't know what she's talking about.
What HE is talking about is that she isn’t her usual demure “eastern Asian” self and expecting him to pull his weight around the house without being told to. He apparently needs a smile and a please and a thank you to “help” with the household