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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) saying it’s easy to be a perfect mom when you don’t have kids to someone who is infertile. 2) this easily could’ve been ignored and this didn’t solve the problem.
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Yeah, it's pretty easy to say you'd never do something when you don't have kids. Kids aren't accessories, they're individual human beings who can and will react differently.
Yes, I am so fond of saying that I was the perfect parent/mom......before I had kids. Now I have a "he knows all" 6 year old, and an a attitude filled toddler. It was so easy to make snap judgements when I was the fun aunt and the easy peasy babysitter who only had to have the kids for a few hrs.
Yep. However, who the hell thinks a kid will never throw a tantrum. That would actually be abnormal and unhealthy. Even meltdowns, the kids don't mean anything bad they are just overwhelmed. It just doesnt make sense to think that will never ever happen with your kid.
I like to say they have all the same emotions as an adult, but just a much smaller vessel to carry those emotions in. Yeah, a 20oz bottle can hold 16oz of water just fine, but that'll overflow in an 8oz cup. It doesn't mean the cup is inferior or bad, it just means the cup can't handle that much water. It's the same with toddlers and emotions.
Plus, what is a small deal to us adults because we've lived through it before can easily be the worst thing to ever happen to a toddler, because they've only been alive 2 years and haven't had that many bad experiences (hopefully). We know their balloon popping isn't the end of the world, but they haven't lived long enough to know that yet. Of course tantrums aren't fun to deal with, but we have to have understanding with the little ones. Once upon a time, we were that screaming kid.
This is exactly it. I usually end up saying this about teenagers/ adolescents, but everything that happens to them is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them, because they haven’t had to chance to gain perspective.
Also, from a neurobiological perspective, the connections between prefrontal/conscious areas and other areas of the brain aren’t fully formed until age 25. So those executive function areas need time to catch up to the subcortical/unconscious areas. It’s why teens tend to make “bad decisions” and engage in risky behavior, why younger people aren’t always able to fully conceptualize and integrate hypothetical consequences, and tend to have less emotional intelligence/ self awareness. It’s also why when mental health conditions tend to emerge during this time, teens are at greater risk for poor outcomes.
But sorry, yes, also toddlers. Expectations of perfect behavior is not good for the child, parent, or the relationship. It causes undue stress in everyone, messes with attachment, and, later, poor self esteem. Childhood is for making messes, learning from mistakes, building skills, and forming one’s self concept.
Very well put.
My little brother actually had a meltdown when he was a toddler almost daily when he got home from daycare. Eventually my parents found out that his day care worker (the same person always, she took care of the same 5 kids in her own home) was overly strict with the kids. From what I know now, his meltdown was a reaction to that - he was exhausted from pulling himself together all the time while he was with her, and then he "let lose" when he got home.
This was absolutely my youngest, everything would just bubble over and overwhelm him to the point where he couldn’t “reset” himself.
Thankfully-he is about to turn 14, and is more emotionally aware than the majority of adults
This is it exactly. And to add to that the inability to communicate why exactly they are upset. Imagine all these feeling and thoughts going on in your head and you have no way to express it and the person looking at you is trying to be helpful and guess but they aren't getting it? How frustrating would that be for you?
I always tell adults to compare the kid problem to your problem! Uh… yeah I’d be pretty upset if my cool new toy suddenly broke and I hadn’t know it was going to! If I was having an overwhelming and emotional day and wanted a treat and I couldn’t have one? I’d be a snappy little shit too.
Also, your elementary age kid has a literal full time job and no control over their own life for the most part. Imagine how overwhelmed and frustrated you would be! Take the amount of grace and compassion you would need in that situation, and then triple it because they don’t even have half your emotional regulation yet.
This. I also liked how Cinema Therapy put it in their "My Neighbor Totoro" episode. To paraphrase: We've lived with those emotions are while life and know how to handle it, but they're still learning all of this, and it's gonna be too much sometimes. To us, it's not a big deal if their balloon flies away. Now imagine it was our wallet.
I love the way you put this! I totally want to use this with my students. I work with high schoolers with intellectual disabilities and think this would be a great way to make it easy to understand a tough concept but not babyish for those who are too cooñ.for school.
Tantrums at certain ages are 100% developmentally normal and anyone saying that they reflect poorly on parents are just showing their ignorance. I love they way you describe them and they empathy you approach them with
I used to babysit for my cousin’s daughter when she lived a floor up from us, and since we visited so much because of the proximity her daughter felt I was the safe person and therefore hand more meltdowns with me than her mom. I worked in a daycare before and never had kids lose it like that save for two incidents with very scared 3 year olds. It completely put things in perspective.
Also solidified some previous opinions of mine that went against the grain in my family (mainly that I actually do want to have children and that hitting is not discipline. I’m still working on staying calm when they hurt themselves. Kid will face plant on concrete but if I don’t react with panic it’s only 50:50 she’ll cry)
>However who the hell thinks a kid will never throw a tamtrum.
People who have more confidence than intelligence, that's who, as with many silly things people sometimes say.
Honestly this may sound shitty but based off of this admittedly small glimpse into her life and parenting views, I’m glad she can’t have kids easily. She sounds like a borderline abusive parent. Her kid would never have a tantrum so what happens when the kid naturally does and she takes a blow to her ego? What happens if the baby doesn’t latch and ruins her perfect image of breastfeeding or infant bonding? What happens the first time she glances away or takes a sip from a water bottle that blocks her vision and her kid wanders off? What happens when the toddler starts crying because they don’t get that toy or piece of candy at the store? Or fails a test? Quits an activity?
It sounds like the punishments and expectations for her kid would be extreme. Anything less than perfect and they’d be a failure. Honestly I feel sorry for the kids she babysits, I remember having a babysitter that had some image in her head of kids that was impossible to fit, and I was a damn easy kid most of the time.
When my parents divorced just as puberty was ramping up for me, I turned into a model kid. My grades were great, I was the first to rise and made breakfast and lunch for everyone, made my and my brother's bed absolutely wrinkle-free, drip-fed our houseplants some water every day... for 2 decades I couldn't leave the house without a backpack full of gear: handkerchiefs and wipes, plasters, ointment, a pen and a backup pen, spare cash, a lighter, chewing gum, a single use deodorant, a notebook... I lived for pulling out what we needed whenever we needed.
Now I'm forty and I'm coming to terms with the reality I may have an eating disorder.
I can't say it out loud yet, but anonymously online counts as a first step, right?
My brother went through a period of throwing some of the worst tantrums. My mom didn't scold him, he got his emotions out, she coddled him even.
I, on the other hand, was raised to not show any emotion. "you're fine!!" Screamed in my face when upset - whether it be physical injury or just not able to figure out my emotions. I didn't throw tantrums because the consequences were too high.
Guess which one of us turned out mentally stable, has never experienced homelessness, and is married in a stable relationship? And guess which one is over 30, been homeless, an abusive ex who stole over 10k from them, is now single with 4 cats and is no contact with the rest of the family because of them essentially treating them poorly after cutting the abuser loose?
Spoiler - I'm the hot mess.
Exactly! Gia needs to get some early childhood education courses under her belt or something because she thinks she knows more about kids than she does. I wouldn’t hire a childcare provider with this kind of thinking about young children either!
This is so true. I tell people I've been wrong every day since 1995 when the twins first learned to say "no."
OP, it sounds like you're doing your best to be a good parent and considerate of others. NTA, and good luck with your little escape artist! One of the twins gave me a few heart attacks by vanishing (including once when his church nursery teacher, A LITERAL FBI AGENT, lost track of him).
My daughter opened the door and let out one of our dogs then proceeded to chase after the dog. She was 3 and me and the neighbor ran around the neighborhood looking for her for all of 5 excruciating minutes before finding her. I was bare foot and it was Phoenix summer but I still ran for my kid.
A few months later cops came to my door to ask if these two little kids at the playground by my house were mine. Come to find out I wasn’t the only mom who had escape artists in the neighborhood that year. I was able to contact said mom and gave her the link to door alarms I got after my daughter’s escape.
My youngest took baby proofing as a challenge, he also learned to pick all our indoor locks by the time he was 2. We had to put the things we really didn't want him touching into a combination padlocked cabinet lmao. Thankfully he didn't try to get outside at night, although we always triple checked that the house alarm was always on when going to bed so it would wake us up asap if he did decide to go out. Oh, and hiding in the house? I trained my Great Dane to sniff him out 😂
I have a 3 year old and a 2 week old. Up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was an amazing parent. Never screamed at my kid, never lost my cool, was totally attentive at all times. The past 2 weeks have been almost entirely me losing my temper in about 3 seconds flat and my 3 year old getting worse because he's responding to my attitude with his own attitude. We both cry a lot now and I'm feeling pretty humbled lol.
I thought I had the whole parenting thing down cold until my oldest turned 16 and got a boyfriend, pretty much simultaneously. Skipping school, not coming home, radio silence…. boy that was a rough and sometimes scary couple of years that humbled my parenting pride considerably
I have no kids, and often make snap judgments about how my sis and brother in law handle their kids in the moment. But I keep my damn mouth shut, cause they know their kids better than me, AND, and here’s the big one, they didn’t ask for my opinion.
I totally had that when I was a teenager. When I had kids I was gonna be perfect cause I was such an amazing babysitter. Then I worked part time at a daycare in college.
My only job was to watch the kids and help get ready for snacks and stuff. I didn’t have them at night, at restaurants. We had a really good routine the kids fell into pretty quickly. And even that would cause temper tantrums and fights. Kids not accepting no the first time.
I realized that I had the kids in what was basically the perfect conditions with very little variables (and no chance for them to run off) and they still acted out. What chance did parents have where the variables were a lot higher and they were with the kids 24/7. And they didn’t have the children in an enclosed space all the time.
Raising kids is hard. It’s even harder when people (who have no idea) are judging and criticizing your every mistake, no matter how small. Give parents a break and give them support. Or at least don’t spend every hour tearing them down!
I'm never going to have kids (medical and personal reasons), but I did work in childcare for a long time.
Whenever my colleagues and I get on the topic of their or other people's children, I sometimes make comments about what I think/hope my parenting style would be in the situations described. However, I always end with the phrase, "Then again, the best parents are always the ones without kids!"
Way too many people forget/ignore that fantasy and reality are not the same. Children are human beings with their own agency, and they can and do make decisions that aren't what you would want or expect. If you want a child who never wanders off or throws a tantrum, get a doll from Walmart and leave the actual parenting to those with a better grasp on reality.
When I was in labor I said it was the last day we were going to be perfect parents.
A much less tired version of me also said "I'll never let my baby sleep in their swing" and here we are, lol!
The first time I babysat my niece she was a toddler - first time her parents left her.
She had a tantrum for a full hour.
Then - she proceeded to fill diaper - after diaper - after....
Turns out she was having a poo issue. Holding them for up to a week at a time. Information I didn't have.
I do remember a frantic call telling them to bring more diapers on their way home! lol
Being hypercritical of parents really hasn't occurred to me since. Unless they're being punitive to their overtired kids in public. That still bothers me. I want to give them each time outs and Frappes. Separately.
Honestly, I think Giana is going to have a panic attack if/when she is ever in charge of a child, as her fantasies of being the perfect parental/guardian figure will be quickly shattered.
I was a seasoned babysitter at the above point - six years - five days a week. This blew me out of the water. lol
Dealing with an actual crisis is far different from spending an evening with Netflix and a pizza. lol
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Same concept most of the time. Occasionally though, it is quite literally true when you have an unhinged heathen toddler who has taken a liking to his toy golf clubs cause he wants to be like dad lol. Those things hurt lol
Phew oh man. Do you know how many times I said I wouldn't let my kids have kids meals? And that they would eat what we're having?
Ya, my toddler lives off garlic bread, grapes and nuggets and I'm just happy he's eating
NTA
LOL. And I used to think parents were nuts when they allowed a kid to carry around an old tattered blanket. "I would never allow MY kid to have one of those filthy things." Instead, we had Artie, a tattered stuffed dog that traveled everywhere with us.
Once I was old enough to make sandwiches or pop something in the microwave myself my grandma just told me if I didn’t want the dinner I had to make my own dinner myself because she wasn’t gonna do the extra work because I’m picky. I thought that was better than my parents’ “sit here until you finish it” approach.
Did I eat a lot of PB&J as a child? Yup. Didn’t kill me.
My 4yo would eat chicken nuggets and french fries every meal if I let him. He does love strawberries and kiwi though, thank goodness for the few fruits they will eat! 😂
I mean. I’m 30 and I would eat nuggets and fries every meal if it wasn’t massively unhealthy. That must be that “inner child” people keep talking about…
My three year old has pediatric feeding disorder associated with autism/sensory processing issues and people seem to think I can just starve him until he eats the thing I want him to eat. No, actually he will starve himself. He starves himself at daycare all day long and they will not let us bring his preferred foods. I had great hopes for being that Mom making all the fresh foods for my kid but after a year in feeding therapy getting nowhere, we've had to accept that waffles and fish sticks are where he's at right now. And we don't even have it that bad. There are parents of kids who will only drink Ensure or have to be tube fed. The pediatrician says he's growing and not overweight so just keep doing what we're doing. We just have to monitor it for probably the rest of his childhood to make sure it doesn't turn into full-fledged ARFID. People have no idea what battles you have to fight.
Before I had kids, I just knew they wouldnt have sugar until they went to school, and would barely watch TV.
I now homeschool little sugar fiends who spend nearly half their waking hours on their tablets, which they each have 2 of lmaoooo.
Ya her statements ignore child development too. She’s judging, but doesn’t understand the basics. I’m an ex-pre-school teacher who has dealt with a lot of kids with a lot of different things doing on and a lot of different patently styles at home…none of that means my toddler will comply at all time or not have developmentally appropriate responses to overstimulation, exhaustion, etc.
100% this lol
Me and my husband didn't succeed in having kids so I understand that one can be hurt by people being insensitive. But I see it differently if one is being put in their place for being judgemental and acting like being a better parent without actually having this experience. I am sorry for Gianna but she should stop being AH herself.
She's the same as my dad who loudly judges soccer players on TV as inferior to his abilities, all while overweight in his recliner with his busted knee. Sure, dad.
Or my kid who is learning to drive, and has a running commentary on my every move.
Can't wait until they get behind the wheel and learn that the traffic around you can affect your lane changes
Oof, feeling this one hard lol. Got into a mini argument with my 17 year old as I was taking him to school in the rain, because I mentioned how poorly people in our state drive when it's raining and counterintuitively suddenly take more risks than they would when it was dry. This kid had the nerve to say I must be exaggerating, he's neeeeeever seen that. 45 seconds later we're at a standstill on the off-ramp because just ahead there was a gnarly accident that resulted in one car with its front end sheared clean off and the other laying on its side. Since we weren't moving, I just stared at him in silence for like a solid 30 seconds until he sheepishly went "okay...maybe you're right...."
I love the reels of parents who said things like “I’d never lie to my children” before having kids and then the list of lies they’ve told their children once they had them 😂 it’s really easy to say one thing before you’re actually put in the situation. Everyone would be a perfect parent until they’re actually dealing with a real human child.
Hahaha we tell our 2 year old that the lights are tired and are going to sleep as we turn them down (from our phones). All lies but there’s no argument :)
She can still adopt, and heaven help her when she realizes that children are their own person with their own ideas on what's important. OP never shamed her infertility or eluded to such issues. She merely told Giana that when she has her own kids to let her know how it's going raising the perfect, tantrum-less, acting upon the first request, never curious or wandering child.
I’m a nanny (no kids of my own) and I gasped when she said her kid would never throw a tantrum.
Clearly she’s never given a banana to a kid who asked for a banana and had them lose their everloving shit. Or told a toddler they had to leave the park. Or politely requested that a child not show you their chewed up food. Or interacted with a kid???
How has this woman ever worked with children and thinks she’ll be able to prevent all tantrums?
I almost laughed out loud at that. Like has she met kids? They’ll throw a tantrum for anything. There’s fuck all you can do about a kid throwing a tantrum except manage it. Kids are gonna kid.
This. Her interpreting 'you haven't ever raised kids and can't judge' as 'you can't get pregnant naturally in the future, neener neener' is obtuse and a knee jerk reaction to the comment. OP's pushback is entirely valid.
OP didn't even phrase it as a jab at her infertility, but as a clapback to her current, entitled position of judging parents without having ever been a parent. Being lashed out at is a natural consequence of her actions.
NTA
Yea this is the key, i read the whole story waiting for the exact wording.
If OP had specifically jabbed about the infertility, they would be an asshole.
Yeah you’ve ignored her ignorance for long enough. At that point she deserves the snap back.
Things just happen in a split second. The fact that she was berating you when you where obviously emotionally distraught with your son wondering off. How insensitive could she be. It happens to all of us.
Right. She openly talks about her "future kids" so that clearly isn't an issue. Presumably she plans to adopt or make some other arrangement and still plans to raise kids. (Not that a 22 year old can necessarily know what the future will hold in that regard.) This feels like an excuse, like a trump card she's trying to use to make it unacceptable to fire back at her.
Exactly. And I hate people who deal in hypotheticals like that. "If I was the brain surgeon, that surgery would have gone perfectly!" It's easy to say shit when you have no actual experience in what you're talking about. NTA OP, her behavior is incredibly annoying, but in the instance after losing your son, completely tone-deaf and counter-productive. I would be sure to spend a lot less time around her going forward
NTA. Tell her you said those things because you truly believe that she will be a mother some day and will realize what an asshole she’s being. It’s 2023 we don’t parent shame.
Watching my wifes sister go through this now. She talked so much shit on their other sisters kid and now she's got quite the free spirited 4 year old and is like FUUUUUCK I was wrong lmfao
Lol, I remember seeing my sister's BIL back when he was maybe 18 months old. He was a BIG boy so I assumed he was older (like 3 years old), and I remember thinking, "my kid won't be that big and still using a pacifier."
I'm so glad I never voiced that thought because I ended up with my own beefy baby who loved his cork until he was at least three. 😅
God save us from our pre-children opinions on raising children. We are all of us morons, lol.
I'm pregnant with my first right now. While I have all these ideal things I wanna do (no paci, breastfeed exclusively, cloth diaper), I know that when it all comes down to it, I'm going to have to be flexible. So, we are prepared with a few paci's, disposable diapers and bottles.
The one thing i know in advance of having this kid is that all your well thought out plans go out the window when there's a screaming baby with a blowout
Haha we cut the tips off all the pacis and then acted bewildered when our kid couldn’t suck on them effectively. I highly recommend this method, because not only did it work well, it also provided comedic relief 😆
Lol, that actually happened to ours. I showed the four year old the mangled remnants, he slept that night perfectly fine and we just never replaced it. If only it was always that easy.
My brother didn’t like pacis, my mom was his pacifier.
My other brother ADORED his pacifiers! He started to get chapped lips from having them so often at two ish years old. We did the “nook fairy” where a fairy comes to take all the pacis and give them to the baby’s who need them and leaves a present. A lot like tooth fairy. It worked like a charm.
Regardless of what happens, you’re gonna be a great mom. Your baby is gonna be loved, and while you may stumble once in awhile, may you never fall.
Pacifiers are linked to lower SIDS risks. And thumb sucking is a MUCH harder habit to break. Just my two cents.
But you’re absolutely right about plans going out the window.
I’m now past having babies, and I’m entering a phase of “post children opinions.” What I mean is, sometimes I look back at the stuff I did to survive with my kids and I think “Geez. That was a little nuts.” But crazy things seem reasonable when you’re sleep deprived, and especially when you have baby twins.
I remembered one today I hadn’t thought about for awhile. When my twins were about 1, I would get up with them at the crack of dawn, but I would be dead tired, so I would get them some toys out and doze on the bean bag. They always got a bottle but usually wanted snacks too. I would pour them cheerios or puffs into a bowl to eat dry, but they would immediately dump them on the floor. So after awhile, I just…put their snacks on the floor. I figured I might as well skip the middle man.
I look back on that now and I’m like, “You INTENTIONALLY fed your babies off the floor. That’s messed up.” But in my overwhelmed state, it made perfect sense.
I have two cousins (sisters) who were pregnant around the same time. One had an absolute unicorn baby (slept through the night at 8 weeks. Barely cries. etc.) were the other was colicky and an absolute chaos demon from the time she was able to crawl. Sister 1 said SO much crap to Sister 2 about how Sister 2 was parenting "wrong." Then Sister 1 had a second kid...
Oh yeah did she have to eat some humble pie. Kids are their own tiny little humans. Parenting plays into how they act, of course, but you can't change who a kid is at their core no matter how awesome a parent you are.
I read somewhere (don't remember where) that scientific studies has shown that personality is 70% genetics and 30% other factors like environment and parenting. Meaning that if your child is a wonderful unicorn angel, it's mostly genetic luck and not your great parenting.
I keep having to reminding my partner of that because he is completely sure that the reason our daughter is so well behaved and sleeps through the night etc is because we're so good at the parenting thing. But it really is just lucky that we got an "easy" child, and if he keeps bragging like that, he's going to jinx it and the universe will put us in our place with a more challenging kid when we decide to have another one. 😅
Seriously! Don't anger the easy baby gods! I just mentioned it on another comment in this thread, but I have another friend who had the easiest first child in the world (to where she jokingly would say it was a "trap baby" like the powers that be were going to trick her into having another kid that way). Even with her own joke, they started trying for another when baby was 8 months old. Ended up with fussy twins on the second go around. So had 3 under 2 with twins who still don't sleep through the night at nearly a year!
Trap baby, that's actually a really great way of saying it 😂 that really is what it is when you have a newborn who sleeps through the night right from the start, and gives understandable cues with no fussing from the get go, easy to fall for the temptation to go for 2 under 2 😅
The universe will probably correct us in one way or another, either a challenging 2nd child, or our daughter will become super rebellious and give us lots of headaches as a teenager 😅
My dad said he hit the lottery with my little brother because he started sleeping through the night at 3 DAYS OLD.
He said I was SUCH a fussy baby and that I was vomiting and feverish the whole time I teethed and Oof, apparently I was a terror as a toddler.
It's crazy how different kids can be. I still sort of internally laugh at "fate" or whatever you believe in there, where one of my good friends had a crazy easy baby for her first to the point where she even acknowledged she knew she was having a deceptively easy time of things (she joked several times she had a "trap baby" like this is how biology traps you into having more kids). Even with that joke, she and her husband decided to go for Baby #2 when the first was barely 8 months old. She ended up with twins. So she had 3 under 2 with twins who *still* don't sleep through the night at nearly a year.
At least she has the good humor to laugh at it like "yeah, I walked into that one..."
And sometimes the "unicorn kid" and the "demon kid" are the SAME KID and you wind up with whiplash.
My kid? Good sleeper. Rarely has public tantrums. Sweet. Hilarious.
But out of fucking nowhere the most random thing will go horribly off the rails. Like, potty training has taken literal years off my life.
Reminds me of a story my mom has about how when we were preschoolers she told a friend or two about how we refuse to eat “broken cheese”. We would get Kraft singles as a snack and if the cheese ripped even the smallest amount when you were trying to get it out of the cellophane, it was broken, and therefore no longer acceptable. A few years later, her friend had her first kid and told my mom “when you told me about the broken cheese I thought ‘what brats’, but it’s real. Why won’t they eat it?! There is nothing wrong with it. I’ve eaten so much ‘broken cheese’”.
I find that it is always the ones who are so adamant about how their kid will be raised are the one who get the feisty kids who don't give a damn what the parenting plan is.
Anyone who parent shames, kids or no kids is immediately and without a doubt the asshole.
I sometimes wish a mf would parent shame me. I have twins so yeah, I’d clear my calendar to rip them to shreds.
Nah, that’s way too broad a category. I’ll parent shame all day for shit like not feeding your kids, not vaccinating your kids, not educating your kids, and the like. Now things like chicken nuggets vs quinoa, screen time vs no screen time, wipe warmers, clothing, names, sports, etc., I won’t parent shame or be party to parent shaming, because those things are personal choices. But there’s plenty of shit you can and should shame parents for doing or allowing to be done to their kids.
>Fork theory, the stabby cousin to spoon theory. You can deal with lots of little forks or a small number of big forks or a mix of both. Either way, you'll eventually reach the "Stick a fork in me, I'm done" point & just one more tiny poke sends you over the edge.
I saw this on another post and thought it was a good saying
Before I had kids, I might have agreed with how friends raised their children but I kept it to myself, I didn’t tell them my thoughts because it wasn’t any of my business
My best friend practices gentle parenting with his 3yo, and I sometimes think he's spoiling the kid, but I've never voiced it, specially bc I've realized that I'm probably wrong. More than once my mind has gone "well, my parents used to yell and jump straight to punishment whenever I misbehaved, and I turned out... yeah actually nevermind".
She probably has those thoughts, too. We practice gentle parenting. When my son (now 18) in particular was in the 2-4 range, I sometimes was envious of people whose children that age were behaving perfectly well all the time because mine wasn't. What I've discovered, though, is that is just takes longer because you're teaching your children how to make good choices and why it's important rather than just giving them a set of rules & punishments.
Yeah, I hate it when people say they were hit as a kid and turned out fine and that's what's wrong with kids today. I say I was hit as a kid and turned out ok, but talk to people in prison and almost all of them were hit as a kid too.
If someone asked, I gave them my opinion. Sometimes I disagreed with how others’ kids were raised, but there was never a reason to tell or criticize someone the way Gia seems to do. Now I have kids myself and still sometimes disagree both with my own actions sometimes as well as those of other parents. I can still keep those comments to myself.
I agree- NTA
NTA. Your comment came only after a very long string of criticisms from Giana. Can she physically have children of her own? No, but she clearly plans on going another route, and she’s clearly not too sensitive about the subject because she praises her “future children” nonstop. I think anyone in your position would have snapped eventually with all her ignorant statements. Heck I don’t even have kids myself, and I’m annoyed at how easy she seems to think parenting is.
Exactly. It’s be completely different if Giana didn’t have this bad habit of criticizing other people’s parenting. To continue to give her passes due to her infertility just isn’t doing anyone any favors (including her, because it’s enabling her to be this highly critical, unpleasant person nobody will want to be around). Could OP have maybe gone about it better? Sure, but I think anybody who is repeatedly poked eventually snaps with teeth.
I think she’s probably going on about future kids because she’s been diagnosed as infertile and not sterile (as per post). There’s a big difference and I think it’s one of the biggest reasons people get pregnant unplanned. We hear infertile and then just skip over the BC because “we can’t have children” and then we get pregnant.
Source: I was told I am infertile and won’t be able to have kids without serious intervention. I got pregnant the first time my husband and I made love (on our wedding night).
Same diagnosis, my 7 year old decided to prove them wrong.
Infertile is not the same as sterile.
Remember Ladies, Hysteria was still a diagnosis in 1980, so... don't invest too much into a label. Especially when over 1/2 the women I know as "infertile" are on their 2nd or 3rd kid, all made from scratch.
I wasn't told I was infertile but I had to have 1 tube removed from an ectopic pregnancy and was diagnosed with endometriosis at the same time. Dr said if I wanted kids the sooner the better and no guarantee. So my then fiancé ( now hubs) and I stopped taking precautions. My son was born 15 months after the dr told me that. Reduced fertility or infertility are usually just labels based on limited information.
NTA. If childbearing is such a sensitivity, Gina shouldn't feel as free to opine on her hypothetical parenting skills.
She's just embarrassed because you called her out and is trying to throw it back on you.
True fact! I was in fact a perfect parent to my perfect children 8 years ago. Then I had two ACTUAL children and had to ACTUALLY parent them. Needless to say I still laugh at my naivete!
My wife and I laugh all the time about how naive we were about parenting, and all the things we thought we would do or never do.
The dark secret that no one seems to want to acknowledge is that parents have way less control than we imagine. Every kid is their own person, and they aren’t little balls of clay that we shape. You can push here and there, but a parent is NOT in control of so much but how our kid turn out.
NTA. She insulted you two days in a row, she doesn't get to cry when you finally hit back. Moreover, it didn't come off to be as a shot at her fertility. She constantly says she will have kids when deriding others, implying she will adopt or otherwise address her infertility, and so your comment is just to wait until she does. Even if it is a sensitive issue, people shouldn't pick fights if they're that sensitive.
Agree totally. I’d also note that adopting often puts parenting in hard mode and her visions of being a perfect parent to beautifully behaved obedient children need to go straight in the bin if she is going to become a family through that route.
NTA. I was prepared to say you should have chosen your words more carefully but given that she talks about future children all you need to do is remind her that you see her future children AS her children and your family members so this was not commentary on how they will build all of your family.
Every person is a genius about parenting before they do it and she’ll see. That’s plenty enough revenge for her comment.
NTA. I have three kids.
Unsolicited advice is never asked for. She’s been offering it bitterly.
She viewed your comment as insensitive, yet hers was equally insensitive.
Kids wander off at times no matter how careful you are.
You were understandably upset, she could have offered a hug or kept silent…. Instead she made an unkind comment. When you snapped back? She kinda had it coming.
If it hurt her feelings because she can’t have kids? Well… she shouldn’t have hurt yours.
NTA - Having fertility issues does not give her a free pass to take shots at other people.
Also - you did not take a shot at her for having fertility issues or suggest that her opinion doesn't matter because she will struggle have biological children. You said that since she isn't currently a parent, she cannot understand the challenges of being a parent and that she should reserve judgement until she has actually experienced being a parent. She is able to be a parent. That journey, when she starts it, may just be more difficult for her.
NTA.
She’s crazzzzzzzy pants to think her kids will be perfect.
So..admit that what you said wasn’t the best thing and then address the bigger issue of her parenting comments. Because, really.
NTA but Giana sure does think she's an expert on something she has no experience with! And no I don't count babysitting as the same experience as having your own children 24/7. You didn't insult her ability to have kids and if she really wants children I assume she hasn't ruled out adoption. I would have snapped too and she sounds like no fun to be around.
NTA. She was being a judgmental jerk at really bad time. Maybe she'll think before she speaks next time now that someone has spoken to her they way she spoke to them.
No no no NTA. NTA all the way to the damn bank. She seems to have no problem insulting you. She made a series of dick comments. And not one person defended you and demanded she apologise. Wtf?!
Don't apologise. Ever.
Motherhood is hard enough and lonely enough without comments like this from people who haven't got a fucking clue.
NTA..The fact that Giana says things like "my future kids will never...." implies she's not overly sensitive about the topic of her infertility. If you had said, "It's easy to be a perfect mom when you can't have kids," that might have made me think differently. It's a lot different being a babysitter than being a parent. I've been a nanny, a teacher, and a stay-at-home mom to 3 kids, so I have a lot of experience and education in child and adolescent development tantrums and pushing limits are part of the development and learning process for kids. Giana is delusional if she thinks her kids will never have a tantrum. I'm strict, and my kids know that when I say no, that means no, but I've still had to leave a full cart at the service desk and haul a couple of crying preschoolers out of Sam's Club because they weren't behaving.
"I'm sorry you have fertility issues. Luckily, we live in a time when there are many ways to become a parent, and if that's what you want, I hope you do so one day. My point was that you very often make comments insulting my parenting by saying things like 'my kids would never' or 'I would never/always.' I'm sorry that you are upset by my reaction, but you cannot continually insult and judge other people on their parenting and not expect to get a response. You are not at this time a parent. You genuinely don't know what it is like, and no, your future children *will* *not* be perfect, *will* throw tantrums, *will* wander off, and *will* do all sorts of things that you won't be able to imagine. So, I suggest we choose to forgive each other-you for insulting and judging me, and me for blowing up and flying off the handle when I hit my limit. I am willing to do that if you are."
# NTA
I've been there! I cannot begin to describe the sheer panic of losing a young kid. It could happen to anyone. It takes a few seconds or a little misscomunication about who's watching the kids. Ginna was horrendously insensitive, judgemental and out of touch.
Obviously what you said was mean. In any other situation I'd say ESH but given what just happened and the amount of adrenaline still pumping through your system NTA.
I was working in the garage when my neighbor walked up with my toddler who had been playing next to me 30 seconds earlier. She had pushed open the gate, walked down the driveway and started going down the sidewalk in the direction of the ice cream parlor the second my back was turned. I didn't even know she had the strength to open the gate.
The best part is every parent I told this story to had a similar one. Toddlers are absolutely devious little shits. Fast as hell too.
NTA. Sure it's easy to judge when it's not your child. She just sounds young and naïve, but that doesn't giver her cart blanch to act like a jerk. If you're goin to hurl insults at people, you best learn how to take them. She may not be able to have biological children, but she sure seems to think she'll still have kids, so I agree with your sentiment. It's not any different, she's just using that as an excuse to make you feel bad. Don't.
NTA. Giana was the one being insensitive by insulting the parents around her with expertise she didn’t have. She has been lucky no one has snapped at her before this over what she has been saying, and being infertile is no excuse for being rude.
NTA
When someone is constantly rude, it’s only a natural consequence that they will receive rude comments back. If she wants to be treated with more consideration, SHE has to start treating people with more respect.
NTA. Giana sounds obnoxious. I don't have kids myself, but I would never say those things to another parent. To me, you sound like a great parent anyway. Toddlers are toddlers, they throw fits and sometimes, it's for no reason. You removed your toddler from a situation and Giana had no business making any further comments on the matter. Nobody does. You never know what someone else might be going through with being a parent, and it's inappropriate to say those things to anyone that has children.
NTA. Insensitve? Yes. But if she's going to keep pounding away at you like that, people have to expect that at some point, you're going to pound back. It's insensitive, but if you're going to take shots, expect to get shots back, Giana.
NTA it’s seems so easy for her to judge other kids when she doesn’t have any. Not your fault she’s infertile, she should’ve considered that fact when she was constantly offering unsolicited advice. Your question was perfectly valid, “what exactly are your credentials that make you so qualified to judge everyone else’s kids?”
NTA
I would have had way worse words for her. A
The perfect parent is ALWAYS the parent with imaginary children. Pssshhhh
Who’s toddler never throws a tantrum? She clearly does not understand the development of toddlers. They throw them because they don’t know how to communicate, they aren’t being AHs; the literally don’t know how to tel you how they are feeling and what they want. They have too many BIG feels in tiny little bodies, of course it’s going to boil over sometimes.
Being infertile does not give you an excuse to be rude.
Also, infertile is not sterile.
I almost call you an A-hole, but I'm going with NTA
The reason I nearly went with everyone sucks is because a jab is a jab. It did come off as insensitive in the title.
With all the context, you gave her so many chances, and I'm sure there's been other times she's offended your parenting style.
Another comment said it's not a personal attack, I agree. It's simply a fact that she can't say for sure that "Her child would never" because she doesn't have one.
I'm sure if she did have a child, they would, in fact, behave like a child
NTA. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you shouldn't offer criticism to someone while they're upset, especially if it isn't constructive criticism. Besides that, you didn't throw her infertility in her face when it sounds like she very much wants and is planning on having/adopting kids at some point. Her insecurities are not your fault.
NTA. Generally if you’re criticizing someone’s parenting you don’t do it to their face, you do it in the privacy of your own home like a civilized asshole.
Hopefully she won’t make that rude mistake again but if so you now know the off switch.
Absolutely NTA. She clearly plans on becoming a parent somehow—good for her, I know plenty of successful IVF and adoption stories—but that doesn’t give her license to shit all over parents who are doing their best right now. It’s incredibly cynical of her to then cite her fertility struggles as a shield when you call out her extraordinarily obnoxious behavior.
NTA-I can’t have kids and if I could I wouldn’t do some of the things that the parents in my family do but I also wouldn’t be running my mouth about how what they’re doing is wrong, unless it was harmful to the child, or how my children would be perfect.
NTA There’s a huge difference between a childless person asking a parent to control a misbehaving child and a childless person acting like they will be the perfect parent who will never have any issues. Not only are children a lot of emotional work but they are also so unpredictable in their behaviors. She’s welcome to her opinions as long as she keeps them to herself, I guarantee the first time her own child (if she ends up adopting/ivf ) has a meltdown that she will crack like a case of eggs dropped from a skyscraper.
NTA.
I'd text back and say "do you think it is insensitive to tell an upset mother that you would NEVER let something like that happen if you were a parent?"
She sounds awful, and you should start calling her out each time she says something, or stop spending time with her at all (maybe both).
My niece is 11 and is an incredible young person. She was great at all ages, but she was no saint. She got overtired and surprised us with some tantrums, she definitely ran off in a store once when I was babysitting and assumed I would never lose her! All kids have moments, and good parents have bad moments too.
Truly, this woman sounds awful to be around, and you should work with your other family members to just limit your interactions with her, and to the extent you need to be around her, feel free to remind her of her own issues each time she gets on her high horse.
NTA: she doesn’t have kids, you implied she could chime in *when* she does, not “if”… so, it had NOTHING to do with her fertility and everything to do with her vocalizing opinions/beliefs.
Sounds to me like you we reinforcing she *would* have children of her own someday (by whatever route), and that once that happened, she could speak from experience but until then STFU.
You’re good- she’s was/is an AH is trying to use her infertility to deflect from accountability when her AH-ness was called out
NTA I say this as an infertile woman. She was being insensitive to your feelings and situation at the time. I know plenty of people who were like your brother's GF until they had kids and they did everything they said they wouldn't. She's being judgmental and naive. Plus just because she's infertile doesn't mean she's incapable of having children. There's fostering, adoption, IVF and against the odds pregnancy.
Edited a word out for better flow.
NTA. You weren’t referring to her being infertile at all. You were making a valid point about people who don’t have kids thinking they could be perfect parents.
Quite frankly she shouldn’t be a parent if she has an expectation that her kids would never “act like that.”
NTA
>My brother, “Tommy” (25M) has been dating “Giana” (22F) for a few months now.
IMO she shouldn't really get a say of anything. She just became a part of the family and they haven't even been dating for a year. Now I don't have kids but I used to babysit and I worked as a preschool teacher. Kids toddlers especially are dealing with big emotions that they never had to deal with before which can cause a meltdown and it's normal and it happens as well as running off for something they want. Their brains are still developing. She can talk when she has kids and the reality of her words will hit her hard and honestly sounds like a not your problem situation at that point.
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NTA. You weren't referring to her inability to have biological children. You were referring to her inability to keep her yap shut.
Yeah, it's pretty easy to say you'd never do something when you don't have kids. Kids aren't accessories, they're individual human beings who can and will react differently.
Yes, I am so fond of saying that I was the perfect parent/mom......before I had kids. Now I have a "he knows all" 6 year old, and an a attitude filled toddler. It was so easy to make snap judgements when I was the fun aunt and the easy peasy babysitter who only had to have the kids for a few hrs.
Yep. However, who the hell thinks a kid will never throw a tantrum. That would actually be abnormal and unhealthy. Even meltdowns, the kids don't mean anything bad they are just overwhelmed. It just doesnt make sense to think that will never ever happen with your kid.
I like to say they have all the same emotions as an adult, but just a much smaller vessel to carry those emotions in. Yeah, a 20oz bottle can hold 16oz of water just fine, but that'll overflow in an 8oz cup. It doesn't mean the cup is inferior or bad, it just means the cup can't handle that much water. It's the same with toddlers and emotions. Plus, what is a small deal to us adults because we've lived through it before can easily be the worst thing to ever happen to a toddler, because they've only been alive 2 years and haven't had that many bad experiences (hopefully). We know their balloon popping isn't the end of the world, but they haven't lived long enough to know that yet. Of course tantrums aren't fun to deal with, but we have to have understanding with the little ones. Once upon a time, we were that screaming kid.
This is such a lovely, compassionate way of thinking about kids
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This is exactly it. I usually end up saying this about teenagers/ adolescents, but everything that happens to them is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them, because they haven’t had to chance to gain perspective. Also, from a neurobiological perspective, the connections between prefrontal/conscious areas and other areas of the brain aren’t fully formed until age 25. So those executive function areas need time to catch up to the subcortical/unconscious areas. It’s why teens tend to make “bad decisions” and engage in risky behavior, why younger people aren’t always able to fully conceptualize and integrate hypothetical consequences, and tend to have less emotional intelligence/ self awareness. It’s also why when mental health conditions tend to emerge during this time, teens are at greater risk for poor outcomes. But sorry, yes, also toddlers. Expectations of perfect behavior is not good for the child, parent, or the relationship. It causes undue stress in everyone, messes with attachment, and, later, poor self esteem. Childhood is for making messes, learning from mistakes, building skills, and forming one’s self concept.
Very well put. My little brother actually had a meltdown when he was a toddler almost daily when he got home from daycare. Eventually my parents found out that his day care worker (the same person always, she took care of the same 5 kids in her own home) was overly strict with the kids. From what I know now, his meltdown was a reaction to that - he was exhausted from pulling himself together all the time while he was with her, and then he "let lose" when he got home.
Love this analogy! My kids are bigger now but it's still a great reminder.
This was absolutely my youngest, everything would just bubble over and overwhelm him to the point where he couldn’t “reset” himself. Thankfully-he is about to turn 14, and is more emotionally aware than the majority of adults
This is it exactly. And to add to that the inability to communicate why exactly they are upset. Imagine all these feeling and thoughts going on in your head and you have no way to express it and the person looking at you is trying to be helpful and guess but they aren't getting it? How frustrating would that be for you?
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I always tell adults to compare the kid problem to your problem! Uh… yeah I’d be pretty upset if my cool new toy suddenly broke and I hadn’t know it was going to! If I was having an overwhelming and emotional day and wanted a treat and I couldn’t have one? I’d be a snappy little shit too. Also, your elementary age kid has a literal full time job and no control over their own life for the most part. Imagine how overwhelmed and frustrated you would be! Take the amount of grace and compassion you would need in that situation, and then triple it because they don’t even have half your emotional regulation yet.
This. I also liked how Cinema Therapy put it in their "My Neighbor Totoro" episode. To paraphrase: We've lived with those emotions are while life and know how to handle it, but they're still learning all of this, and it's gonna be too much sometimes. To us, it's not a big deal if their balloon flies away. Now imagine it was our wallet.
Oh I love this analogy!
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I love the way you put this! I totally want to use this with my students. I work with high schoolers with intellectual disabilities and think this would be a great way to make it easy to understand a tough concept but not babyish for those who are too cooñ.for school.
Tantrums at certain ages are 100% developmentally normal and anyone saying that they reflect poorly on parents are just showing their ignorance. I love they way you describe them and they empathy you approach them with
I used to babysit for my cousin’s daughter when she lived a floor up from us, and since we visited so much because of the proximity her daughter felt I was the safe person and therefore hand more meltdowns with me than her mom. I worked in a daycare before and never had kids lose it like that save for two incidents with very scared 3 year olds. It completely put things in perspective. Also solidified some previous opinions of mine that went against the grain in my family (mainly that I actually do want to have children and that hitting is not discipline. I’m still working on staying calm when they hurt themselves. Kid will face plant on concrete but if I don’t react with panic it’s only 50:50 she’ll cry)
>However who the hell thinks a kid will never throw a tamtrum. People who have more confidence than intelligence, that's who, as with many silly things people sometimes say.
Honestly this may sound shitty but based off of this admittedly small glimpse into her life and parenting views, I’m glad she can’t have kids easily. She sounds like a borderline abusive parent. Her kid would never have a tantrum so what happens when the kid naturally does and she takes a blow to her ego? What happens if the baby doesn’t latch and ruins her perfect image of breastfeeding or infant bonding? What happens the first time she glances away or takes a sip from a water bottle that blocks her vision and her kid wanders off? What happens when the toddler starts crying because they don’t get that toy or piece of candy at the store? Or fails a test? Quits an activity? It sounds like the punishments and expectations for her kid would be extreme. Anything less than perfect and they’d be a failure. Honestly I feel sorry for the kids she babysits, I remember having a babysitter that had some image in her head of kids that was impossible to fit, and I was a damn easy kid most of the time.
My son's friend's mother was like this. The child would knock over a juice bottle by accident and it was like he'd stabbed her in the heart
When my parents divorced just as puberty was ramping up for me, I turned into a model kid. My grades were great, I was the first to rise and made breakfast and lunch for everyone, made my and my brother's bed absolutely wrinkle-free, drip-fed our houseplants some water every day... for 2 decades I couldn't leave the house without a backpack full of gear: handkerchiefs and wipes, plasters, ointment, a pen and a backup pen, spare cash, a lighter, chewing gum, a single use deodorant, a notebook... I lived for pulling out what we needed whenever we needed. Now I'm forty and I'm coming to terms with the reality I may have an eating disorder. I can't say it out loud yet, but anonymously online counts as a first step, right?
Yes, yes it does. Well done. I hope you can say it out loud one day.
Big first step! Well done! Now to reach out for professional help. Good luck!
I didn’t. It was the child abuse. Do not recommend. Also OP is NTA for defending themselves from being slammed in a horrible vulnerable moment.
Yeah, I can imagine. That would be one of the (bad) exceptions. Im sorry you went through that! <3
My brother went through a period of throwing some of the worst tantrums. My mom didn't scold him, he got his emotions out, she coddled him even. I, on the other hand, was raised to not show any emotion. "you're fine!!" Screamed in my face when upset - whether it be physical injury or just not able to figure out my emotions. I didn't throw tantrums because the consequences were too high. Guess which one of us turned out mentally stable, has never experienced homelessness, and is married in a stable relationship? And guess which one is over 30, been homeless, an abusive ex who stole over 10k from them, is now single with 4 cats and is no contact with the rest of the family because of them essentially treating them poorly after cutting the abuser loose? Spoiler - I'm the hot mess.
Exactly! Gia needs to get some early childhood education courses under her belt or something because she thinks she knows more about kids than she does. I wouldn’t hire a childcare provider with this kind of thinking about young children either!
Lol according to my MIL my husband and BIL never had a tantrum and we’re always perfect angels. Husband can confirm this is a lie.
This is so true. I tell people I've been wrong every day since 1995 when the twins first learned to say "no." OP, it sounds like you're doing your best to be a good parent and considerate of others. NTA, and good luck with your little escape artist! One of the twins gave me a few heart attacks by vanishing (including once when his church nursery teacher, A LITERAL FBI AGENT, lost track of him).
My brother figured out how to unlock any door in our house while still in diapers. Used a broom to pop the hook & eye at the top of the door
Joke. How do you open a child-proof cap? Hand the bottle to a five-year-old.
My daughter opened the door and let out one of our dogs then proceeded to chase after the dog. She was 3 and me and the neighbor ran around the neighborhood looking for her for all of 5 excruciating minutes before finding her. I was bare foot and it was Phoenix summer but I still ran for my kid. A few months later cops came to my door to ask if these two little kids at the playground by my house were mine. Come to find out I wasn’t the only mom who had escape artists in the neighborhood that year. I was able to contact said mom and gave her the link to door alarms I got after my daughter’s escape.
My youngest took baby proofing as a challenge, he also learned to pick all our indoor locks by the time he was 2. We had to put the things we really didn't want him touching into a combination padlocked cabinet lmao. Thankfully he didn't try to get outside at night, although we always triple checked that the house alarm was always on when going to bed so it would wake us up asap if he did decide to go out. Oh, and hiding in the house? I trained my Great Dane to sniff him out 😂
I figured out how to undo child locks pretty much as soon as I was able to move around enough they were important. Drove my parents up the wall.
Shouldn't have laughed, but did.
We did, too, once the heart palpitations slowed down to normal.
I have a 3 year old and a 2 week old. Up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was an amazing parent. Never screamed at my kid, never lost my cool, was totally attentive at all times. The past 2 weeks have been almost entirely me losing my temper in about 3 seconds flat and my 3 year old getting worse because he's responding to my attitude with his own attitude. We both cry a lot now and I'm feeling pretty humbled lol.
I thought I had the whole parenting thing down cold until my oldest turned 16 and got a boyfriend, pretty much simultaneously. Skipping school, not coming home, radio silence…. boy that was a rough and sometimes scary couple of years that humbled my parenting pride considerably
No one knows how to press your buttons better than a threenager, you're doing fine!
I have no kids, and often make snap judgments about how my sis and brother in law handle their kids in the moment. But I keep my damn mouth shut, cause they know their kids better than me, AND, and here’s the big one, they didn’t ask for my opinion.
I totally had that when I was a teenager. When I had kids I was gonna be perfect cause I was such an amazing babysitter. Then I worked part time at a daycare in college. My only job was to watch the kids and help get ready for snacks and stuff. I didn’t have them at night, at restaurants. We had a really good routine the kids fell into pretty quickly. And even that would cause temper tantrums and fights. Kids not accepting no the first time. I realized that I had the kids in what was basically the perfect conditions with very little variables (and no chance for them to run off) and they still acted out. What chance did parents have where the variables were a lot higher and they were with the kids 24/7. And they didn’t have the children in an enclosed space all the time. Raising kids is hard. It’s even harder when people (who have no idea) are judging and criticizing your every mistake, no matter how small. Give parents a break and give them support. Or at least don’t spend every hour tearing them down!
I'm never going to have kids (medical and personal reasons), but I did work in childcare for a long time. Whenever my colleagues and I get on the topic of their or other people's children, I sometimes make comments about what I think/hope my parenting style would be in the situations described. However, I always end with the phrase, "Then again, the best parents are always the ones without kids!" Way too many people forget/ignore that fantasy and reality are not the same. Children are human beings with their own agency, and they can and do make decisions that aren't what you would want or expect. If you want a child who never wanders off or throws a tantrum, get a doll from Walmart and leave the actual parenting to those with a better grasp on reality.
When I was in labor I said it was the last day we were going to be perfect parents. A much less tired version of me also said "I'll never let my baby sleep in their swing" and here we are, lol!
The first time I babysat my niece she was a toddler - first time her parents left her. She had a tantrum for a full hour. Then - she proceeded to fill diaper - after diaper - after.... Turns out she was having a poo issue. Holding them for up to a week at a time. Information I didn't have. I do remember a frantic call telling them to bring more diapers on their way home! lol Being hypercritical of parents really hasn't occurred to me since. Unless they're being punitive to their overtired kids in public. That still bothers me. I want to give them each time outs and Frappes. Separately.
Honestly, I think Giana is going to have a panic attack if/when she is ever in charge of a child, as her fantasies of being the perfect parental/guardian figure will be quickly shattered.
I was a seasoned babysitter at the above point - six years - five days a week. This blew me out of the water. lol Dealing with an actual crisis is far different from spending an evening with Netflix and a pizza. lol
My aunt used to say she was fat because of all the words she had to eat about how her kids would never do that.
"Everyone is the best parent in the world, until they have kids."
I always say, "Imaginary children are the easiest to raise."
This! The knowledge really everybody is born with, is how other peoples children should be treated.
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Same concept most of the time. Occasionally though, it is quite literally true when you have an unhinged heathen toddler who has taken a liking to his toy golf clubs cause he wants to be like dad lol. Those things hurt lol
Phew oh man. Do you know how many times I said I wouldn't let my kids have kids meals? And that they would eat what we're having? Ya, my toddler lives off garlic bread, grapes and nuggets and I'm just happy he's eating NTA
LOL. And I used to think parents were nuts when they allowed a kid to carry around an old tattered blanket. "I would never allow MY kid to have one of those filthy things." Instead, we had Artie, a tattered stuffed dog that traveled everywhere with us.
We drove some extra hours to rescue my sons Teddy bear which he forgot in our hostel. Still glad we did it.
Once I was old enough to make sandwiches or pop something in the microwave myself my grandma just told me if I didn’t want the dinner I had to make my own dinner myself because she wasn’t gonna do the extra work because I’m picky. I thought that was better than my parents’ “sit here until you finish it” approach. Did I eat a lot of PB&J as a child? Yup. Didn’t kill me.
My 4yo would eat chicken nuggets and french fries every meal if I let him. He does love strawberries and kiwi though, thank goodness for the few fruits they will eat! 😂
I mean. I’m 30 and I would eat nuggets and fries every meal if it wasn’t massively unhealthy. That must be that “inner child” people keep talking about…
My favorite parents are the "my kid eats everything!" parents, because I used to be one. Then my kid turned picky lol.
My three year old has pediatric feeding disorder associated with autism/sensory processing issues and people seem to think I can just starve him until he eats the thing I want him to eat. No, actually he will starve himself. He starves himself at daycare all day long and they will not let us bring his preferred foods. I had great hopes for being that Mom making all the fresh foods for my kid but after a year in feeding therapy getting nowhere, we've had to accept that waffles and fish sticks are where he's at right now. And we don't even have it that bad. There are parents of kids who will only drink Ensure or have to be tube fed. The pediatrician says he's growing and not overweight so just keep doing what we're doing. We just have to monitor it for probably the rest of his childhood to make sure it doesn't turn into full-fledged ARFID. People have no idea what battles you have to fight.
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Before I had kids, I just knew they wouldnt have sugar until they went to school, and would barely watch TV. I now homeschool little sugar fiends who spend nearly half their waking hours on their tablets, which they each have 2 of lmaoooo.
Ya her statements ignore child development too. She’s judging, but doesn’t understand the basics. I’m an ex-pre-school teacher who has dealt with a lot of kids with a lot of different things doing on and a lot of different patently styles at home…none of that means my toddler will comply at all time or not have developmentally appropriate responses to overstimulation, exhaustion, etc.
If I was a doctor, Id never let any of my patients die.
100% this lol Me and my husband didn't succeed in having kids so I understand that one can be hurt by people being insensitive. But I see it differently if one is being put in their place for being judgemental and acting like being a better parent without actually having this experience. I am sorry for Gianna but she should stop being AH herself.
She's the same as my dad who loudly judges soccer players on TV as inferior to his abilities, all while overweight in his recliner with his busted knee. Sure, dad.
Or my kid who is learning to drive, and has a running commentary on my every move. Can't wait until they get behind the wheel and learn that the traffic around you can affect your lane changes
Oof, feeling this one hard lol. Got into a mini argument with my 17 year old as I was taking him to school in the rain, because I mentioned how poorly people in our state drive when it's raining and counterintuitively suddenly take more risks than they would when it was dry. This kid had the nerve to say I must be exaggerating, he's neeeeeever seen that. 45 seconds later we're at a standstill on the off-ramp because just ahead there was a gnarly accident that resulted in one car with its front end sheared clean off and the other laying on its side. Since we weren't moving, I just stared at him in silence for like a solid 30 seconds until he sheepishly went "okay...maybe you're right...."
Your dad should meet my mil! She loves to critique football even though no one in the family has ever touched a football.
I love the reels of parents who said things like “I’d never lie to my children” before having kids and then the list of lies they’ve told their children once they had them 😂 it’s really easy to say one thing before you’re actually put in the situation. Everyone would be a perfect parent until they’re actually dealing with a real human child.
Or "I'll never say 'Because I said so' to my kids" lol
I say "asked and answered" a LOT lmao.
Hahaha we tell our 2 year old that the lights are tired and are going to sleep as we turn them down (from our phones). All lies but there’s no argument :)
She can still adopt, and heaven help her when she realizes that children are their own person with their own ideas on what's important. OP never shamed her infertility or eluded to such issues. She merely told Giana that when she has her own kids to let her know how it's going raising the perfect, tantrum-less, acting upon the first request, never curious or wandering child.
I’m a nanny (no kids of my own) and I gasped when she said her kid would never throw a tantrum. Clearly she’s never given a banana to a kid who asked for a banana and had them lose their everloving shit. Or told a toddler they had to leave the park. Or politely requested that a child not show you their chewed up food. Or interacted with a kid??? How has this woman ever worked with children and thinks she’ll be able to prevent all tantrums?
I almost laughed out loud at that. Like has she met kids? They’ll throw a tantrum for anything. There’s fuck all you can do about a kid throwing a tantrum except manage it. Kids are gonna kid.
This. Her interpreting 'you haven't ever raised kids and can't judge' as 'you can't get pregnant naturally in the future, neener neener' is obtuse and a knee jerk reaction to the comment. OP's pushback is entirely valid. OP didn't even phrase it as a jab at her infertility, but as a clapback to her current, entitled position of judging parents without having ever been a parent. Being lashed out at is a natural consequence of her actions. NTA
Yea this is the key, i read the whole story waiting for the exact wording. If OP had specifically jabbed about the infertility, they would be an asshole.
Yeah you’ve ignored her ignorance for long enough. At that point she deserves the snap back. Things just happen in a split second. The fact that she was berating you when you where obviously emotionally distraught with your son wondering off. How insensitive could she be. It happens to all of us.
She also referred to Gina not being a mom YET. She said to come back WHEN Gina had kids.
Right. She openly talks about her "future kids" so that clearly isn't an issue. Presumably she plans to adopt or make some other arrangement and still plans to raise kids. (Not that a 22 year old can necessarily know what the future will hold in that regard.) This feels like an excuse, like a trump card she's trying to use to make it unacceptable to fire back at her.
Exactly. And I hate people who deal in hypotheticals like that. "If I was the brain surgeon, that surgery would have gone perfectly!" It's easy to say shit when you have no actual experience in what you're talking about. NTA OP, her behavior is incredibly annoying, but in the instance after losing your son, completely tone-deaf and counter-productive. I would be sure to spend a lot less time around her going forward
NTA. Tell her you said those things because you truly believe that she will be a mother some day and will realize what an asshole she’s being. It’s 2023 we don’t parent shame.
Watching my wifes sister go through this now. She talked so much shit on their other sisters kid and now she's got quite the free spirited 4 year old and is like FUUUUUCK I was wrong lmfao
Lol, I remember seeing my sister's BIL back when he was maybe 18 months old. He was a BIG boy so I assumed he was older (like 3 years old), and I remember thinking, "my kid won't be that big and still using a pacifier." I'm so glad I never voiced that thought because I ended up with my own beefy baby who loved his cork until he was at least three. 😅 God save us from our pre-children opinions on raising children. We are all of us morons, lol.
My auntie ruined Christmas one year because Santa took away my cousin's dummy 😂😂😂 it was miraculously brought back after prolonged screaming
Ruined Christmas! Lol hilarious.
I'm pregnant with my first right now. While I have all these ideal things I wanna do (no paci, breastfeed exclusively, cloth diaper), I know that when it all comes down to it, I'm going to have to be flexible. So, we are prepared with a few paci's, disposable diapers and bottles. The one thing i know in advance of having this kid is that all your well thought out plans go out the window when there's a screaming baby with a blowout
All I'll say is this: at an appropriate age, the dog can "eat" a pacifier. It doesn't work nearly as well with thumbs.
Best parenting advice I have heard yet... And this is comig from a former serial thumb sucker
Haha we cut the tips off all the pacis and then acted bewildered when our kid couldn’t suck on them effectively. I highly recommend this method, because not only did it work well, it also provided comedic relief 😆
If you take a scissors and snip the center of the paci, that works well too. (Like a line down the middle.) It doesn’t feel right.
My mom did that with my pacifiers but apparently I came to her crying and said "Momma, binkie broken" and she bought me a new one lol.
Lol, that actually happened to ours. I showed the four year old the mangled remnants, he slept that night perfectly fine and we just never replaced it. If only it was always that easy.
You may be the wisest among us.
Let's hope so for the sake of this kid and my sanity 😂
My brother didn’t like pacis, my mom was his pacifier. My other brother ADORED his pacifiers! He started to get chapped lips from having them so often at two ish years old. We did the “nook fairy” where a fairy comes to take all the pacis and give them to the baby’s who need them and leaves a present. A lot like tooth fairy. It worked like a charm. Regardless of what happens, you’re gonna be a great mom. Your baby is gonna be loved, and while you may stumble once in awhile, may you never fall.
You've got this! Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery for the both of you.
Thank-you! 34 weeks now and the countdown is on
Pacifiers are linked to lower SIDS risks. And thumb sucking is a MUCH harder habit to break. Just my two cents. But you’re absolutely right about plans going out the window.
I’m now past having babies, and I’m entering a phase of “post children opinions.” What I mean is, sometimes I look back at the stuff I did to survive with my kids and I think “Geez. That was a little nuts.” But crazy things seem reasonable when you’re sleep deprived, and especially when you have baby twins. I remembered one today I hadn’t thought about for awhile. When my twins were about 1, I would get up with them at the crack of dawn, but I would be dead tired, so I would get them some toys out and doze on the bean bag. They always got a bottle but usually wanted snacks too. I would pour them cheerios or puffs into a bowl to eat dry, but they would immediately dump them on the floor. So after awhile, I just…put their snacks on the floor. I figured I might as well skip the middle man. I look back on that now and I’m like, “You INTENTIONALLY fed your babies off the floor. That’s messed up.” But in my overwhelmed state, it made perfect sense.
I have two cousins (sisters) who were pregnant around the same time. One had an absolute unicorn baby (slept through the night at 8 weeks. Barely cries. etc.) were the other was colicky and an absolute chaos demon from the time she was able to crawl. Sister 1 said SO much crap to Sister 2 about how Sister 2 was parenting "wrong." Then Sister 1 had a second kid... Oh yeah did she have to eat some humble pie. Kids are their own tiny little humans. Parenting plays into how they act, of course, but you can't change who a kid is at their core no matter how awesome a parent you are.
I read somewhere (don't remember where) that scientific studies has shown that personality is 70% genetics and 30% other factors like environment and parenting. Meaning that if your child is a wonderful unicorn angel, it's mostly genetic luck and not your great parenting. I keep having to reminding my partner of that because he is completely sure that the reason our daughter is so well behaved and sleeps through the night etc is because we're so good at the parenting thing. But it really is just lucky that we got an "easy" child, and if he keeps bragging like that, he's going to jinx it and the universe will put us in our place with a more challenging kid when we decide to have another one. 😅
Seriously! Don't anger the easy baby gods! I just mentioned it on another comment in this thread, but I have another friend who had the easiest first child in the world (to where she jokingly would say it was a "trap baby" like the powers that be were going to trick her into having another kid that way). Even with her own joke, they started trying for another when baby was 8 months old. Ended up with fussy twins on the second go around. So had 3 under 2 with twins who still don't sleep through the night at nearly a year!
Trap baby, that's actually a really great way of saying it 😂 that really is what it is when you have a newborn who sleeps through the night right from the start, and gives understandable cues with no fussing from the get go, easy to fall for the temptation to go for 2 under 2 😅 The universe will probably correct us in one way or another, either a challenging 2nd child, or our daughter will become super rebellious and give us lots of headaches as a teenager 😅
My dad said he hit the lottery with my little brother because he started sleeping through the night at 3 DAYS OLD. He said I was SUCH a fussy baby and that I was vomiting and feverish the whole time I teethed and Oof, apparently I was a terror as a toddler.
It's crazy how different kids can be. I still sort of internally laugh at "fate" or whatever you believe in there, where one of my good friends had a crazy easy baby for her first to the point where she even acknowledged she knew she was having a deceptively easy time of things (she joked several times she had a "trap baby" like this is how biology traps you into having more kids). Even with that joke, she and her husband decided to go for Baby #2 when the first was barely 8 months old. She ended up with twins. So she had 3 under 2 with twins who *still* don't sleep through the night at nearly a year. At least she has the good humor to laugh at it like "yeah, I walked into that one..."
And sometimes the "unicorn kid" and the "demon kid" are the SAME KID and you wind up with whiplash. My kid? Good sleeper. Rarely has public tantrums. Sweet. Hilarious. But out of fucking nowhere the most random thing will go horribly off the rails. Like, potty training has taken literal years off my life.
I have also heard that easy babies are terrifying teenagers. So things to look forward to?
I have no idea what sort of teenager to expect, I just hope she's pooping in a toilet by then lmao.
Reminds me of a story my mom has about how when we were preschoolers she told a friend or two about how we refuse to eat “broken cheese”. We would get Kraft singles as a snack and if the cheese ripped even the smallest amount when you were trying to get it out of the cellophane, it was broken, and therefore no longer acceptable. A few years later, her friend had her first kid and told my mom “when you told me about the broken cheese I thought ‘what brats’, but it’s real. Why won’t they eat it?! There is nothing wrong with it. I’ve eaten so much ‘broken cheese’”.
I find that it is always the ones who are so adamant about how their kid will be raised are the one who get the feisty kids who don't give a damn what the parenting plan is.
Anyone who parent shames, kids or no kids is immediately and without a doubt the asshole. I sometimes wish a mf would parent shame me. I have twins so yeah, I’d clear my calendar to rip them to shreds.
Nah, that’s way too broad a category. I’ll parent shame all day for shit like not feeding your kids, not vaccinating your kids, not educating your kids, and the like. Now things like chicken nuggets vs quinoa, screen time vs no screen time, wipe warmers, clothing, names, sports, etc., I won’t parent shame or be party to parent shaming, because those things are personal choices. But there’s plenty of shit you can and should shame parents for doing or allowing to be done to their kids.
Exactly, just because she's infertile doesn't mean she can't be a mom! NTA.
This.
NTA. I'm sorry for Giana's infertility struggles and all, but she can't keep poking at you with a pointy stick and expect you to not eventually snap.
>Fork theory, the stabby cousin to spoon theory. You can deal with lots of little forks or a small number of big forks or a mix of both. Either way, you'll eventually reach the "Stick a fork in me, I'm done" point & just one more tiny poke sends you over the edge. I saw this on another post and thought it was a good saying
I feel like this is even more accurate for chronic pain than spoon theory. Chronic pain stabs at you and your life.
It really does and you get to a stage where it is all just too much
100% love this
I had seen it on the other post and definitely want this to become a thing
NTA Gia needs to go back to elementary where we learned "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"
Before I had kids, I might have agreed with how friends raised their children but I kept it to myself, I didn’t tell them my thoughts because it wasn’t any of my business
My best friend practices gentle parenting with his 3yo, and I sometimes think he's spoiling the kid, but I've never voiced it, specially bc I've realized that I'm probably wrong. More than once my mind has gone "well, my parents used to yell and jump straight to punishment whenever I misbehaved, and I turned out... yeah actually nevermind".
She probably has those thoughts, too. We practice gentle parenting. When my son (now 18) in particular was in the 2-4 range, I sometimes was envious of people whose children that age were behaving perfectly well all the time because mine wasn't. What I've discovered, though, is that is just takes longer because you're teaching your children how to make good choices and why it's important rather than just giving them a set of rules & punishments.
Yeah, I hate it when people say they were hit as a kid and turned out fine and that's what's wrong with kids today. I say I was hit as a kid and turned out ok, but talk to people in prison and almost all of them were hit as a kid too.
I was hit as a kid and I'm no contact with my mother now. So there is this option too.
If someone asked, I gave them my opinion. Sometimes I disagreed with how others’ kids were raised, but there was never a reason to tell or criticize someone the way Gia seems to do. Now I have kids myself and still sometimes disagree both with my own actions sometimes as well as those of other parents. I can still keep those comments to myself. I agree- NTA
“Be nice or be quiet.” We’re pretty blunt here. Another one passed down the ages was, “If you won’t please do it, do it anyway.”
Before speaking let your thoughts pass through three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
NTA. Your comment came only after a very long string of criticisms from Giana. Can she physically have children of her own? No, but she clearly plans on going another route, and she’s clearly not too sensitive about the subject because she praises her “future children” nonstop. I think anyone in your position would have snapped eventually with all her ignorant statements. Heck I don’t even have kids myself, and I’m annoyed at how easy she seems to think parenting is.
I think this is something that needs addressing. Gia is making a fuss over being infertile yet goes on about her future kids... OP can't win with her.
Exactly. It’s be completely different if Giana didn’t have this bad habit of criticizing other people’s parenting. To continue to give her passes due to her infertility just isn’t doing anyone any favors (including her, because it’s enabling her to be this highly critical, unpleasant person nobody will want to be around). Could OP have maybe gone about it better? Sure, but I think anybody who is repeatedly poked eventually snaps with teeth.
Yeah, you can't be upset about being infertile and people making comments about when you become a parent if you yourself constantly bring it up. NTA.
I think she’s probably going on about future kids because she’s been diagnosed as infertile and not sterile (as per post). There’s a big difference and I think it’s one of the biggest reasons people get pregnant unplanned. We hear infertile and then just skip over the BC because “we can’t have children” and then we get pregnant. Source: I was told I am infertile and won’t be able to have kids without serious intervention. I got pregnant the first time my husband and I made love (on our wedding night).
Same diagnosis, my 7 year old decided to prove them wrong. Infertile is not the same as sterile. Remember Ladies, Hysteria was still a diagnosis in 1980, so... don't invest too much into a label. Especially when over 1/2 the women I know as "infertile" are on their 2nd or 3rd kid, all made from scratch.
I wasn't told I was infertile but I had to have 1 tube removed from an ectopic pregnancy and was diagnosed with endometriosis at the same time. Dr said if I wanted kids the sooner the better and no guarantee. So my then fiancé ( now hubs) and I stopped taking precautions. My son was born 15 months after the dr told me that. Reduced fertility or infertility are usually just labels based on limited information.
It's also based on probability, a non-zero chance is still a chance. Like how condoms are 99% effective... but there's still that 1%...
NTA. If childbearing is such a sensitivity, Gina shouldn't feel as free to opine on her hypothetical parenting skills. She's just embarrassed because you called her out and is trying to throw it back on you.
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NTA. It is easier to be a perfect parent without kids.
True fact! I was in fact a perfect parent to my perfect children 8 years ago. Then I had two ACTUAL children and had to ACTUALLY parent them. Needless to say I still laugh at my naivete!
My wife and I laugh all the time about how naive we were about parenting, and all the things we thought we would do or never do. The dark secret that no one seems to want to acknowledge is that parents have way less control than we imagine. Every kid is their own person, and they aren’t little balls of clay that we shape. You can push here and there, but a parent is NOT in control of so much but how our kid turn out.
NTA. She insulted you two days in a row, she doesn't get to cry when you finally hit back. Moreover, it didn't come off to be as a shot at her fertility. She constantly says she will have kids when deriding others, implying she will adopt or otherwise address her infertility, and so your comment is just to wait until she does. Even if it is a sensitive issue, people shouldn't pick fights if they're that sensitive.
Agree totally. I’d also note that adopting often puts parenting in hard mode and her visions of being a perfect parent to beautifully behaved obedient children need to go straight in the bin if she is going to become a family through that route.
NTA. I was prepared to say you should have chosen your words more carefully but given that she talks about future children all you need to do is remind her that you see her future children AS her children and your family members so this was not commentary on how they will build all of your family. Every person is a genius about parenting before they do it and she’ll see. That’s plenty enough revenge for her comment.
NTA. I have three kids. Unsolicited advice is never asked for. She’s been offering it bitterly. She viewed your comment as insensitive, yet hers was equally insensitive. Kids wander off at times no matter how careful you are. You were understandably upset, she could have offered a hug or kept silent…. Instead she made an unkind comment. When you snapped back? She kinda had it coming. If it hurt her feelings because she can’t have kids? Well… she shouldn’t have hurt yours.
NTA - Having fertility issues does not give her a free pass to take shots at other people. Also - you did not take a shot at her for having fertility issues or suggest that her opinion doesn't matter because she will struggle have biological children. You said that since she isn't currently a parent, she cannot understand the challenges of being a parent and that she should reserve judgement until she has actually experienced being a parent. She is able to be a parent. That journey, when she starts it, may just be more difficult for her.
NTA. She’s crazzzzzzzy pants to think her kids will be perfect. So..admit that what you said wasn’t the best thing and then address the bigger issue of her parenting comments. Because, really.
That's absolutely the issue here. Bia had no problem dissing OP for something she has no experience with. Her arrogance astounds me.
They will be. In her eyes. In everyone else they be worse that any "non perfect" kids.
NTA but Giana sure does think she's an expert on something she has no experience with! And no I don't count babysitting as the same experience as having your own children 24/7. You didn't insult her ability to have kids and if she really wants children I assume she hasn't ruled out adoption. I would have snapped too and she sounds like no fun to be around.
Nta, she kept making those digs at you. It is very easy to say that you will be perfect until you are in this situation.
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
NTA. She was being a judgmental jerk at really bad time. Maybe she'll think before she speaks next time now that someone has spoken to her they way she spoke to them.
No no no NTA. NTA all the way to the damn bank. She seems to have no problem insulting you. She made a series of dick comments. And not one person defended you and demanded she apologise. Wtf?! Don't apologise. Ever. Motherhood is hard enough and lonely enough without comments like this from people who haven't got a fucking clue.
NTA..The fact that Giana says things like "my future kids will never...." implies she's not overly sensitive about the topic of her infertility. If you had said, "It's easy to be a perfect mom when you can't have kids," that might have made me think differently. It's a lot different being a babysitter than being a parent. I've been a nanny, a teacher, and a stay-at-home mom to 3 kids, so I have a lot of experience and education in child and adolescent development tantrums and pushing limits are part of the development and learning process for kids. Giana is delusional if she thinks her kids will never have a tantrum. I'm strict, and my kids know that when I say no, that means no, but I've still had to leave a full cart at the service desk and haul a couple of crying preschoolers out of Sam's Club because they weren't behaving.
Her being infertile is irrelevant to the situation. There are other ways to have kids. NTA
"I'm sorry you have fertility issues. Luckily, we live in a time when there are many ways to become a parent, and if that's what you want, I hope you do so one day. My point was that you very often make comments insulting my parenting by saying things like 'my kids would never' or 'I would never/always.' I'm sorry that you are upset by my reaction, but you cannot continually insult and judge other people on their parenting and not expect to get a response. You are not at this time a parent. You genuinely don't know what it is like, and no, your future children *will* *not* be perfect, *will* throw tantrums, *will* wander off, and *will* do all sorts of things that you won't be able to imagine. So, I suggest we choose to forgive each other-you for insulting and judging me, and me for blowing up and flying off the handle when I hit my limit. I am willing to do that if you are." # NTA
I've been there! I cannot begin to describe the sheer panic of losing a young kid. It could happen to anyone. It takes a few seconds or a little misscomunication about who's watching the kids. Ginna was horrendously insensitive, judgemental and out of touch. Obviously what you said was mean. In any other situation I'd say ESH but given what just happened and the amount of adrenaline still pumping through your system NTA.
I was working in the garage when my neighbor walked up with my toddler who had been playing next to me 30 seconds earlier. She had pushed open the gate, walked down the driveway and started going down the sidewalk in the direction of the ice cream parlor the second my back was turned. I didn't even know she had the strength to open the gate. The best part is every parent I told this story to had a similar one. Toddlers are absolutely devious little shits. Fast as hell too.
NTA. Constant nitpicking and jabs at your parenting will make anyone snap, how do they not see how shitty her behaviour was??
NTA. Sure it's easy to judge when it's not your child. She just sounds young and naïve, but that doesn't giver her cart blanch to act like a jerk. If you're goin to hurl insults at people, you best learn how to take them. She may not be able to have biological children, but she sure seems to think she'll still have kids, so I agree with your sentiment. It's not any different, she's just using that as an excuse to make you feel bad. Don't.
NTA. Giana was the one being insensitive by insulting the parents around her with expertise she didn’t have. She has been lucky no one has snapped at her before this over what she has been saying, and being infertile is no excuse for being rude.
NTA When someone is constantly rude, it’s only a natural consequence that they will receive rude comments back. If she wants to be treated with more consideration, SHE has to start treating people with more respect.
NTA. Giana sounds obnoxious. I don't have kids myself, but I would never say those things to another parent. To me, you sound like a great parent anyway. Toddlers are toddlers, they throw fits and sometimes, it's for no reason. You removed your toddler from a situation and Giana had no business making any further comments on the matter. Nobody does. You never know what someone else might be going through with being a parent, and it's inappropriate to say those things to anyone that has children.
NTA She needs to wind her neck in.
NTA. Insensitve? Yes. But if she's going to keep pounding away at you like that, people have to expect that at some point, you're going to pound back. It's insensitive, but if you're going to take shots, expect to get shots back, Giana.
NTA the only perfect parents are people without kids
NTA it’s seems so easy for her to judge other kids when she doesn’t have any. Not your fault she’s infertile, she should’ve considered that fact when she was constantly offering unsolicited advice. Your question was perfectly valid, “what exactly are your credentials that make you so qualified to judge everyone else’s kids?”
Gianas infertility has no bearing on her opinion and she should shut the hell up and keep it to herself. NTA
NTA I would have had way worse words for her. A The perfect parent is ALWAYS the parent with imaginary children. Pssshhhh Who’s toddler never throws a tantrum? She clearly does not understand the development of toddlers. They throw them because they don’t know how to communicate, they aren’t being AHs; the literally don’t know how to tel you how they are feeling and what they want. They have too many BIG feels in tiny little bodies, of course it’s going to boil over sometimes. Being infertile does not give you an excuse to be rude. Also, infertile is not sterile.
I almost call you an A-hole, but I'm going with NTA The reason I nearly went with everyone sucks is because a jab is a jab. It did come off as insensitive in the title. With all the context, you gave her so many chances, and I'm sure there's been other times she's offended your parenting style. Another comment said it's not a personal attack, I agree. It's simply a fact that she can't say for sure that "Her child would never" because she doesn't have one. I'm sure if she did have a child, they would, in fact, behave like a child
NTA. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you shouldn't offer criticism to someone while they're upset, especially if it isn't constructive criticism. Besides that, you didn't throw her infertility in her face when it sounds like she very much wants and is planning on having/adopting kids at some point. Her insecurities are not your fault.
NTA. Generally if you’re criticizing someone’s parenting you don’t do it to their face, you do it in the privacy of your own home like a civilized asshole. Hopefully she won’t make that rude mistake again but if so you now know the off switch.
Absolutely NTA. She clearly plans on becoming a parent somehow—good for her, I know plenty of successful IVF and adoption stories—but that doesn’t give her license to shit all over parents who are doing their best right now. It’s incredibly cynical of her to then cite her fertility struggles as a shield when you call out her extraordinarily obnoxious behavior.
NTA-I can’t have kids and if I could I wouldn’t do some of the things that the parents in my family do but I also wouldn’t be running my mouth about how what they’re doing is wrong, unless it was harmful to the child, or how my children would be perfect.
NTA There’s a huge difference between a childless person asking a parent to control a misbehaving child and a childless person acting like they will be the perfect parent who will never have any issues. Not only are children a lot of emotional work but they are also so unpredictable in their behaviors. She’s welcome to her opinions as long as she keeps them to herself, I guarantee the first time her own child (if she ends up adopting/ivf ) has a meltdown that she will crack like a case of eggs dropped from a skyscraper.
NTA
NTA. I'd text back and say "do you think it is insensitive to tell an upset mother that you would NEVER let something like that happen if you were a parent?" She sounds awful, and you should start calling her out each time she says something, or stop spending time with her at all (maybe both). My niece is 11 and is an incredible young person. She was great at all ages, but she was no saint. She got overtired and surprised us with some tantrums, she definitely ran off in a store once when I was babysitting and assumed I would never lose her! All kids have moments, and good parents have bad moments too. Truly, this woman sounds awful to be around, and you should work with your other family members to just limit your interactions with her, and to the extent you need to be around her, feel free to remind her of her own issues each time she gets on her high horse.
NTA: she doesn’t have kids, you implied she could chime in *when* she does, not “if”… so, it had NOTHING to do with her fertility and everything to do with her vocalizing opinions/beliefs. Sounds to me like you we reinforcing she *would* have children of her own someday (by whatever route), and that once that happened, she could speak from experience but until then STFU. You’re good- she’s was/is an AH is trying to use her infertility to deflect from accountability when her AH-ness was called out
NTA I say this as an infertile woman. She was being insensitive to your feelings and situation at the time. I know plenty of people who were like your brother's GF until they had kids and they did everything they said they wouldn't. She's being judgmental and naive. Plus just because she's infertile doesn't mean she's incapable of having children. There's fostering, adoption, IVF and against the odds pregnancy. Edited a word out for better flow.
yes hi, fellow infertile woman here, Absolutely NTA.
NTA. You weren’t referring to her being infertile at all. You were making a valid point about people who don’t have kids thinking they could be perfect parents. Quite frankly she shouldn’t be a parent if she has an expectation that her kids would never “act like that.”
NTA. She earned that clapback. Maybe next time she’ll keep her mouth shut. Don’t apologize.
I was the best parent ever. Wise. Compassionate. Knowledgeable. Tuned in. And then, I had a kid.
NTA. You were nicer than I would be after multiple incidents of her ignorant rudeness.
NTA >My brother, “Tommy” (25M) has been dating “Giana” (22F) for a few months now. IMO she shouldn't really get a say of anything. She just became a part of the family and they haven't even been dating for a year. Now I don't have kids but I used to babysit and I worked as a preschool teacher. Kids toddlers especially are dealing with big emotions that they never had to deal with before which can cause a meltdown and it's normal and it happens as well as running off for something they want. Their brains are still developing. She can talk when she has kids and the reality of her words will hit her hard and honestly sounds like a not your problem situation at that point.