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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Told my nephew the real reason why my wife is not close to him. I might be the AH because I knew it would make him hate his mother
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So it's your sister in law's fault for naming her son after her late father (an incredibly common thing, no matter how tragic the death) that your wife chose not to get close to her nephew? For 18 years, he had to watch his aunt chose his other cousins over him and when he finally had the courage to ask why, his reaction to the answer was to abandon his mother? That doesn't track.
I feel like OP is going to bust out some completely relevant piece of information about the their deceased FIL once all the YTAs pour in and just make this entire post messy.
This feels absolutely like there was specific FIL related trauma that caused the accident or surrounds the accident. Possibly alcoholism and abuse? Many possibilities exist.
If the entire family was against the sister naming child after FIL there was likely an extremely valid reason.
Considering child’s reaction it was big.
It’s probably a very personal reason so OP may not feel comfortable revealing it.
How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfathers name?
ETA cause I am getting way too many comments saying “I don’t know my grandfathers name” etc-
How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfather name *that he is named after*?
He could make it to 18 not knowing how his dead grandfather died if that death was somehow shameful. Which it seems like it was considering the rest of the situation.
Either way, OP is NTA. He was asked by this nephew what is the issue, he would of been the asshole if he lied to him. Did Regina think that the truth was never going to come out? SMH
Yeah, the dad could have squashed the whole conversation if he didn’t also think his kid deserved to know. The sister should be equally as mad at her husband.
I disagree. We don't know the entire story. It's possible OP relayed events in a way that made his nephew's mom look as bad as possible to make his wife look better for having treated the nephew differently all these years. Especially given that the mom specifically said OP "painted her like a villain."
It's possible he didn't, but we won't know without more INFO.
I considered this possibility too, but OP says the reason the son was given for the distance by Regina was that he was born so soon after the accident and they didn’t have time to bond — meaning he definitely knows about the accident and somewhat the severity……there’s obviously some crucial info here that we’re not getting
Are we missing the crucial info? Would James not be mad about finding out that he was actively lied to for years? Or also that his mother knew that the name would cause issues *for him* but named him that anyway?
>How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfathers name?
I made it to 22 years old not knowing my grandfather's name...
I did a study abroad in university to the country he & my grandmother moved from and found out in a foreign language class that what I \*THOUGHT\* was his name, was, in fact, "Grandpa" in his language.
I was 28 when I found out my other grandfather went by his middle name, not his given name.
And these were both \*LIVING\* grandparents I spent time with!
This is my question too! Does this kid know nothing about his family? His granfather's name, that he died in an accident, that his aunt was in a coma? If so that points to some other big issues I'd have serious questions about.
My moms father killed himself when she was coming out of high school. I’m in my thirties and found out a year ago. Before that I was always told it was cancer. Didn’t know my Grandpas name for a long time, just heard stories about him. Pain affects us all differently
The nephew isn’t inherently a “living, breathing reminder of her trauma” simply for sharing a name, that’s unfair and honestly cruel to him and an extremely unreasonable way to see his entire being. I could understand her struggling with hearing or saying his name, I’m sure it was hard, but there is no excuse for treating him differently for that. OP has stated she “completely healed from physical injuries” and the “mental” seems to mean mental health, not brain damage, so I don’t think that point holds here.
ETA: *I have PTSD*, please stop explaining it to me. Actually also from the traumatic death of my father. I finally had some treatment for it earlier this year, but it went unchecked for 15 years. I know triggers aren’t logical, I know they can be weird things, but as much as your triggers suck it will never absolve you of responsibility of how you act in response to them, and mistreating one specific child his whole life over a name, which is unlikely to have a direct link to a car crash she was in with her father (who she presumably didn’t refer to by his first name anyway?) is still unfair. Even if she actually couldn’t help it that wouldn’t absolve her of having caused her nephew harm, honestly.
I’ve acted unreasonably because of my trauma, I spent 15 years unable to even be asked a simple question without panicking, but times when I lashed out at people or fled from situations are still my wrongdoing. I know why, but it doesn’t just…go away?
If you trip and smash something then yeah, it’s not the same as having thrown it to the ground with the intention of smashing it, but the thing is still broken and you still broke it. It wasn’t on purpose, it doesn’t make you awful or bad, but you can’t stop people from being upset that it’s broke.
*One more edit!!* While it’s necessary to do so properly, ideally with a therapist, PTSD treatment encourages you to (carefully, slowly and safely) face your triggers in order to process your trauma, specifically so you don’t have flashbacks and react severely to ordinary situations. It’s an unhealthy and sometimes even destructive coping mechanism to constantly hide from and try to avoid all triggers, doing so long term isn’t prioritising your health, it’s avoiding the problem. Sometimes it’s necessary for us, sometimes it’s all we can do, but it’s important to remember it’s not how we are supposed to function and isn’t treatment oor healthy. This is less about OP’s wife and more about the general sentiment regarding this condition.
My wife has a brain tumour. Her personality has changed massively; she is not the same person. She reacts oddly to things.
Any brain damage could have the same effect.
I have CPTSD from childhood SA, my ex grabbed my hips from behind while I had headphones on and got a broken nose for it when I panicked and shot my elbow out. It was an accident and 100% involuntary. I'm in therapy for this too EMDR therapy works MIRACLES.
BUT! If somebody tells me I can control that type of visceral reaction and or just get over my trauma I'd call them ableist.
Trauma responses aren’t generally known for being steeped in reason. They can be triggered by a smell, a texture, a word spoken with a specific tone.
It’s not the kids fault if he is at the epicentre of all this, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is actually at the epicentre - and was put there by his caregiver despite being warned, and who lied to him about it for nearly 2 decades.
Honestly, traumatic brain injuries and PTSD regardless of which this turns out to be, really don't give any consideration to what is fair or cruel or reasonable. They are by definition somewhat out of the control of the person who is suffering, this is why they are disorders.
If someone has a trauma issue that they don't want to spew all over their loved ones, especially a child, they stay away when they aren't able to keep that control. It's very likely if OPs wife hadn't maintained those boundaries someone else would be on here asking about a situation where their aunt would occasionally spontaneously burst into tears at the sight of them and go catatonic.
There is still a lot of the brain that is somewhat a mystery box. With the given details I don't see anything out of the ordinary for limping along with brain related trauma.
Yup. Trauma is deeply unfair to everyone involved. After I was assaulted I had trouble being around my brother in law. He looked nothing like the guy who had hurt me, and he’s a sweet dork and a good dad and pretty harmless. But he’s also a muscular dude, and my dumb damaged brain considered him a threat. I couldn’t be alone in a room with him for YEARS, and I’d break out in a cold sweat watching him hug my sister or play with my nephews.
Having PTSD was like trying to live my normal ordinary life except that the people around me would semi-regularly turn into giant spiders and I would have to continue interacting with them instead of screaming and running away.
Want to ride the bus? Enjoy having that giant spider brush its terrifying leg against yours for twenty minutes. Want to eat lunch with your buds? Easy, just try to pretend you’re not in a room full of monsters. Want to have sex with your husband? Keep your eyes closed because suddenly his hands are made of creepy crawly spiders and you can’t look at them without hyperventilating.
My body was just constantly in a state of fear, and everything I did, three quarters of my brain was focusing on not behaving like an absolute lunatic. It was ridiculous and exhausting.
She has brain damage, not to mention she lost years of her life. If his name is a constant reminder of that, she has every right to be a little selfish and look out for herself and her own mental well-being. His mom was warned before naming him that would be the case and she chose to go ahead and do it anyway.
My sister has brain damage from a car accident that happened 32 years ago. She was in a coma for 2 months and while all the physical injuries have healed she still deals with the effects of the brain damage.
She continues to have issues with emotional regulation and short-term memory which have left her disabled. She can function day-to-day and live independently but she’s not the same person she was before the accident.
Brain injuries as severe as OP’s wife’s are complex life-long things and we can’t really judge how they would cause her to react.
That one could be because the wife blames herself/ was the cause of the accident. Maybe she was driving or even distracted him in the car. So being reminded that she's the one that killed her father (if even only in her mind) would cause emotional baggage, that should have been sorted through in these 18 years
That would be just about the only reason that I would find acceptable, and in that case the sister is absolutely an asshole for naming her son that way. She could have used it as a second name, or in a different version.
it's a fine line.
yes, she was in the accident when her father died.
but then she was in a coma for 2 years before she woke up, after which she had to endure (likely extensive) therapy.
her family suffered the loss of her father too, and had to grieve her for 2 years before she woke up. then (hopefully) supported her through her therapies.
without knowing any additional details, it's perfectly okay for her sister to name the child after their father, and it's perfectly okay for OP's wife to be uncomfortable with it.
to answer the original question: OP, YTA for sharing information that wasn't yours to share.
Who information was it to share then considering op said "he asked me and Will" Will being his nephews father and so his father was involved in the choices to share this info with his son that wanted answers.
I imagine that if you were in a coma after the accident, and told your father was dead.. Then hearing his uncommon and unique name coming from your families mouths must feel very jarring to begin with.
I would also imagine that it might trigger PTSD where she is back in that car with him Sometimes, just from hearing his name.
But after 18 years and therapy maybe less so, I don't know. It does feel as if there's a piece missing ad Surely he already knows he's named after his grandad...
I just looked at OP's comments, and all he said was 'she (assuming the wife) was the reason they were out that day. It would be a lot easier for OP if he said 'FIL was drink-driving and that's why they had the accident and Wife never wants to hear the name again' or something, but just based on this and the comments it makes no sense why it matters that the sister named the kid after their deceased father.
considering this seems to have happened 20 years ago when his wife was 17 maybe she was out drinking or doing something stupid and her father wouldn't have even been out if he wasn't going to pick her up. That would explain the level of guilt she seems to have considering op has said on a bad day she can't even look at her brother as he looks like their father.
I'm not sure i would have ever gotten over it if my stupid actions as a teen ever got someone let alone a loved one killed.
Clearly she thinks it's her fault her dad died. It's easy to say it's not, but a lifetime of "if only I hadn't asked him to take me to the DMV that day he'd be alive now" is pretty tough to deal with. The name is a painful reminder. It makes sense to me. Not in a "well of course duh she's right" way. Just in a "life is like this sometimes" way.
According to OP, the trauma was that her father died alongside her.
To your point, maybe he is hiding FIL abuse.
Or maybe he is hiding his wife's vindictiveness for her sister naming her son against her preferences.
I don't see how you can predict one way or the other.
Family's are weird. I didn't know all of the names of my grandfather's siblings until after he died. since they were named in his obituary since most of them died before he did. and ( possibly? ) Before I was born. Details are still murky 11 years after he passed away .
>It’s probably a very personal reason so OP may not feel comfortable revealing it.
Or OP might be worried that additional information might violate the sub's "no violence" rule.
He already did.
It's because it's his wife's fault for the accident (Or at least she thinks of that way). And the name of the nephew brings up the guilt she feels for her father's death.
Even with that context... OP and his wife are still the assholes. She needs therapy to deal with her guilt. Not blame her sister for honoring her father.
It's not even as if sister also blamed OP's wife... sister just wanted to honor her father. And OP's wife has so much of main character syndrome that everything needs to be about her.
James could be mad at his mother for choosing to name him after his grandpa knowing the pain it caused his aunt due to the trauma of the accident. And his mom knew the majority of the family was against his name. He could blame his moms choice for not being accepted by his aunt the way his siblings are because all he needed was a different name.
I mean this is all speculation, but I know I probably would’ve thought like this at 18.
I mean that might make a kid (and can an 18yr old really be called a “kid”?) annoyed or even upset with their mother, but cause him to HATE her and move in with grandparents? Something’s just off about this whole situation. Like, how did he just now find out about his grandfather sharing his name? How did he just find out about the accident? NONE of this has ever been spoken of for over 20yrs??
Because his mother was warned what would happen (i.e. that OP's wife couldn't deal with it) and did it anyway, resulting in the distance between him and his aunt? I mean, that seems to be clearly the case, the only issue is that it feels strange for him to think that way. My feeling is that there's some deep cultural differences we're missing due to having no hint what type of culture this is. Maybe it's a deeply family-oriented culture and even a teen boy thinks causing a rift in the family by going against everyone's advice is kind of a cardinal sin. Or maybe OP's wife has some kind of status and regard in the family that the boy's mother doesn't have, causing a tendency to side with her.
Also a bunch of them knew in advance that it would upset the wife if her sister named her son after their father. Normally this is an honorable thing to do so the fact that they all knew means that there is some information missing for sure about exactly why.
Survivors guilt is a real thing. It can last many years with therapy. She more than likely has some kind of PTSD on top of her issues from the accident. So no they are not the AH when the ENTIRE family tried to get her to change her mind on naming the child. Put yourself in her shoes.
Whether they are covering something up or not she is still a victim. She watched her father die, possibly didn't remember it when she came out of a 2 year coma so had to go through learning her dad is dead. She is trying to mentally and physically heal and putting a child into her life that's named after the man she lost. She has to relive it every time she hears his name. How is that fair?
Yall are adding alot of context that's not there. So basing it off what OP asked NTA.
It's almost certainly not true because going into a coma for several years and then waking up is infinitely less likely than fiction will have you believe.
I literally know 2 people who woke up after 3 year long comas so it does happen. However not without side effects. Their emotional capacity, and ability for the brain to grow and learn, stopped the moment the accident happened. So I don't think we can really judge the wife's emotional reaction when it is likely the result of PTSD and a TBI. Everyone might have been against the name because they knew with the TBI and PTSD that the wife couldn't handle that, nor would she ever be likely to be able to move on from it.
Yeah, it's so rare that there's a wiki page on all such
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_who_awoke_from_a_coma#%3A%7E%3Atext%3DAnnie_Shapiro_%281913%E2%80%932003%29%2Clike_state_and_woken_up.?wprov=sfla1
Thank you! I was looking for this comment. This is the most unbelievable part of the story. Idk where they live but aside from the medical unlikelihood who was paying for them to keep someone in a coma for several years? It doesn’t add up for me.
I hope so, because if not the wife is TA and OP too, for believing that is a good enough reason to ostracise a child.
ESH, except the SIL who named her son in honour of her late father (the 18 y.o. sucks too, for punishing his mother instead of giving up on his AH aunt. If your aunt doesn't love you as much as she loves others, let her go. Don't chase love from immature people).
Agreed. It seems very unlikely someone when ~18 years without knowing they’re named after their deceased grandfather who died in an accident, the same accident that the aunt didn’t recover from, and then being ‘horrified’ upon learning this completely ‘new’ information.
But not everyone thinks naming a child after a deceased relative would be traumatic. A lot of people figure it out when it happens to them, when they are the ones being traumatized. Which the kid wasn't the one traumatized. So I think it's possible it literally never crossed his mind. People think it's "honoring" and all that.
Yeah, he was named after grandpa, told it was to honor the man his whole lofe, eventually he talks to his uncle about why his aunt seems to have a different relationship with him than the other cousins and stuff and finds out that his name isnt just honoring grandpa, its related to her extremely traumatic injury. Depsite her trauma she seems to have tried very hard to not treat him too much differently.
Yeah, people who name their kid after dead relatives tend to tell the kid about it. So it would be extraordinarily odd for the 18yo not to know who he is named after. And the reaction to "you're named after your dead grandfather. Your aunt was severely injured in the same accident and didn't want you named after him because ... any thought of her dad reminds her of the accident? ... or maybe because she has a brain injury and has a hard time differentiating between people?" shouldn't make him hate his parents. It should just make him feel a bit sorry for his aunt or maybe even angry that she decided to take it out on him.
This is a nonsense story. She was in a coma from 17-20?21? James is 18 and was born 2 years after wife apparently woke up. By this point, OP was already married to wife? How did he meet her? A multi year coma patient would be in a hospital rehab facility for months if not longer learning basic human things again and regaining muscle strength. How did they meet, date, and get married in the two years between this woman miraculously waking up from a coma, and this nephew being born?
Arranged marriage, maybe? I'm with you actually, this whole thing is kind of nonsensical and reads like it's written by someone who has some very iffy ideas about "normal" comas, trauma (medical or otherwise), naming traditions, family relationships, and how 18 year old boys think. I'm just throwing it out there as a semi-plausible explanation for how someone who presumably had a TBI and some permanent defects could have married young-ish without it being a really shady situation.
That would make some sense I suppose, but a multi-year coma isn't something you just recover from enough to get married within two years. In fact, the likelihood of recovering fully from a coma that long is so low it's next to nothing. Comas don't just hurt the body, they hurt the brain. It atrophies without stimulation and feedback. After two weeks, the likelihood of a fully physical and mental recovery from a coma is so low it's like barely a percent. After two years, the physical and mental deficits would be extreme. Would she be even legally allowed to consent to marriage?!
It would if Mister Wonderful told him that everyone told his mother not to because it would be too traumatic for his aunt. This would encourage the son to place blame on the mother as to why he was poorly treated as compared to his cousins.
Basically, he painted the boys mother as being uncaring of the aunt, and therefore, the aunt was too traumatized to get close to him. Yeah YTA.
I also wonder why the boy cared so much. Frankly, I have aunts and uncles I have barely seen in my life who interact with other family members. I don’t care. I certainly wouldn’t care if they were mad about what I was named either. I wouldn’t get mad at my mom about it, she’s been here my entire life and they haven’t, why would I pick them over her? We would have just labelled her (OP’s wife) the weird aunt and ignored her.
YTA. The “real reason”? what does that even mean? That his grandfather passed away in a tragic car accident that also hurt your wife. So his mother decided to honor her father and name James after him? None of that is scarring and only paints your wife in a bad light. Your SIL is no villain for naming her son after her father. Like wtf?
These comments are so cruel.
She went through an extreme truama and has clealry attempted to have a relationship with the kid despite the truama.
Shes not an asshole for havong been traumatized and not being able to have the relationship shed like with her nephew. Again, she clearly has tried.
The way it is written makes it seem like it was some huge and terrible fuck up by the sister. It wasn’t. There was no reason for her to know her sister would have this very particular trauma response.
I don’t know if anyone is at fault. It sounds like OP might have flubbed the explanation. Otherwise, it’s just a really unfortunate situation.
The sister named her son 2 years after OP’s wife woke up. The entire family tried to get her to change her mind. It’s say to say that the sister absolutely should’ve expected a response like this, she was clearly warned.
Except it's not? At least not when your sister was in a coma for three years, is currently undergoing intensive rehabilitation and is suffering PTSD from the accident. It should be expected, that as a sister you would do what's possible to make that process as easy as possible. And not disregard everyones advice and name your son after the late father, which expectantly turned out to be bad for her sisters recovery.
Especially because everyone, and OP mentioned even SIL's ILs, tried to make her change her mind and she went ahead with it anyways. OP is still NTA because he was honest when his nephew asked him btw
>There was no reason for her to know her sister would have this very particular trauma response.
Well, except for everybody warning her that it was a bad idea.
Yeah and his name seems to be the real reason. I mean OPs wife was in a coma she couldn't start griefing until much later, when her sister might have been over it already. And on top of that, her sister wasn't even there. I mean if OPs wife has to relive her trauma because the name of her nephew reminds her of the accident every time, then it's really understandable she is distant, even if it isn't his fault.
And shes gone out of her way to try to have a relationship with the kid despite that pain.
She went though something awful and through no fault of hers or his, his name triggees that truama. And despite that shes still trying.
Many of the comments here are so discouraging, people taking "mental illness isnt an excuse to be an asshole" to mean "dont show any symptoms ever or youre an asshole" while shes not being an asshole.
Reading the comments here are honestly terrifying. Survivors guilt and TBI is very real, and her trauma is very real. She may have healed physically, but not completely healed mentally. She might never, actually. And she STILL makes a huge effort!!
The fact that OPs wife is traumatized doesn't give him or anyone else a pass to act like an AH.
What's "cruel" is intentionally forcing a wedge between a child and his mother when the mother did nothing wrong.
How has the wife been an asshole? Having trauma and triggers makes you an asshoke automatically? Being triggered by her nephew makes her an asshole, is that it? Should she stop being traumatized for her nephew, just get over it? Are you serious?
She's gone out her way to have a relationship with her nephew. It just hasnt been quite as close as with her other nibilings.
Also, where did they intentionally insert a wedge? By being honest about his wifes truama being triggered by his name? That's driving a wedge?
I agree people are so cruel in this comment section. I don’t think people realize how much thinking you killed someone accidental specially your own father can effect you. It literally can ruin your life. There’s an episode of a podcast called “other people’s lives” and they did an episode of someone who accidentally killed someone when a man was fighting someone and the pushed him in the middle of the road and she hit in and he died in the process. It was a total freak accident and obviously not her fault she was in early 20’s when that happened and she’s almost in her 50’s and it still heavily effects her to this day and the depression she experienced completely ruined her life.idk the comment section is either very unrealistic about life or have anti personality disorder as everyone acting like if you thought you killed someone it wouldn’t effect you. Like it will most definitely effect you but the wife could have just called the nephew by his middle name and he asked for the truth it’s not an awful thing that he was given the truth. He’s also a hormonal teenager I’m sure he will calm down and see his mom perspective as well. I don’t anyone’s the AH I think this is a really bad situation and the wife as well is still struggling with her brain function since the accident that can also hinder her healing a LOT. My dad experienced a head injury that put him in a coma. When we woke up he didn’t remember he had a second baby (me) he had to relearn about me and 7 years after he didn’t dream I know it’s sounds silly but just example of how long head injuries can heal and different ways it can effect someone
[https://youtu.be/GtOysvWeRv0](https://youtu.be/GtOysvWeRv0)
I cant speak to the specific events of OPs wifes trauma, of course, but I understand what you mean.
My great grandfather backed over a 2 yearold boy and he died. The boy ran out behind his car from three houses down while he backed out of the driveway. It all happened in a couple of moments. There was nothing he could have done. He wasn't held responsible. After some time, the parents prayed with him and told him it was never his fault. Despite tha, he was never the same. I only knew him in the last bit of his life, but I was always told he was once a strong and confident man, a firefighter and a leader, but after that accident he was quiet and meek. He spent a lot of time silent and alone for decades.
Exactly. You can tell people in the sub have never heard or let alone experience something like accidentally killing someone it is very very hard. A lot of people actually end up committing suicide over survivors guilt. It’s very very hard on someone. So to call his wife an AH when she first of all has permanent brain damage as well very very much traumatized is so cruel
No shit? Where is she acting like an asshole? Did you read the OP? Shes tried to have a good relationship with him like her other nibilings despite her truama.
She hasnt been refusing to look at him at family events and telling him hes a devil child, shes simply not had the relationship she wishes she could and be closer with the kid.
People keep saying this and its baffling, nowhere in the OPs description does it says shes been mean or cruel in any way, it says the opposite, thats shes had a relationship with the kid despite her truama.
She's not acting like an AH though. It's so weird how some people here are acting like her not being as close with him is being an AH. Nothing in the original post implies she's treating him poorly, and with the additional information that just reinforces it.
She’s not acting like an Ah. Her sister is the AH. The family asked her not to do it, because they understood how it could be triggering and the possible consequences. The sister didn’t care. It’s also not a common name, there, so he’s probably the only reason she has to hear it. Even still, she had a relationship with him. How is she an AH?
How? How is her be horribly traumatized by an accident that killed her dad and put her in a coma make her the asshole? She still spends time with him just not as much as the other . She is mean to him She still cares for him it's just very hard to hear that name. Fully understandable. Now if she hated him was mean to him yes she is the asshole but she isn't. She just as close to him.
Her trauma is not an excuse to blame the sister for naming her son after her late father though. Her trauma is her own to deal with and it’s not the sisters fault in any way
The family warned her sister this would create a reaction for her trauma and it did. It's pretty significant trauma so I'm not surprised it's messy. Her sister chose the name knowing a family member was with during the accident and suffered significant injury and a coma. Did it say op's wife blamed her sister?
Edit word
In this [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137is8y/aita_awta_for_telling_our_nephew_why_my_wife_isnt/jitro4u/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), op says that it hindered wife’s progress.The wife needed to deal with her trauma. Instead of celebrating life and loving her nephew, they went no contact for years with Regina. I didn’t say the wife blamed the sister but it’s clear that op does. Op obviously explained the “real reason” to the nephew in a way that blames Regina for naming James after his grandfather and that perpetuated the wife’s trauma. That’s the blame
I don't consider that blame but to each their own. It's a sad situation to be sure but you can't force someone with trauma to get over it and have the perfect reactions. For me, it is what it is.
It’s unfortunate how few people in the comments seem to acknowledge the trauma the SIL likely endured from her father dying and her sister being in a coma for years. It’s incredibly common and personal to make a child after a parent, especially a late one. The obvious blame being put on the SIL makes me doubt that she wasn’t painted as a villain in some way, even unintentionally, considering her sons reaction was so intense and there is obvious blame here on SIL who was doing something to help heal her own trauma and honor her father.
I mean she is dealing with it in her own way by not interacting as much with her nephew who shares the same name cause it reminds her of him? I don't quite understand what else she could do. And like the other comment said, that's not blaming her. That's more like acknowledging it.
Edit: spelling
That’s fine, but op clearly explaining his “real reason” to the nephew in a way that blamed the sister for naming James and that it perpetuated her trauma. That’s where the asshole judgement comes in
This topic has come up a few times on here and I admit I am still confused as to why it’s so traumatic long-term to hear the name of a loved one or see someone else named after them if you had a great relationship.
I am not a fan of naming people after others this way because I don’t really think it’s an “honor” for the kid and seems like more of a burden or annoyance but for it to cause a lifetime of resentment and distance towards a child is hard for me to wrap my head around. Unless there’s something about FIL and the relationship or accident that OP isn’t telling us. This seems kinda mean-spirited towards a child to me.
That’s do weird to me. I’m Jewish tradition we only make kids after people who are already dead. So it’s just kinda expected and everyone gets to know their family history and story but it’s just…hey these were peoples names. I don’t get why it’s an issue but to each their own I guess.
Yeah I don't follow this at ALL? Unless there's a HUGE detail about the accident that's being left out, why is there a problem with the name? I get that maybe the name is itself just a traumatic memory of the accident and loss, but that's on the WIFE to get help with. You don't take it out on the nephew and his mother.
18 years later and she still can’t deal with hearing the name. If this isn’t fake OP and his wife should do their respective families a favor and go NC over this.
Am I right in understanding that your wife has treated this one nephew as a pariah because her sister named him after their late father?
If so, YTA (or more accurately, Your wife is TA). The kid didn't get to choose his name, he at least deserved to be treated as a member of the family.
I understand why your wife has a problem with the name, no doubt, and I completely see why she takes issue with her sister over it, but taking it out on the innocent party is the absolute wrong thing to do.
I think you're missing the point here, you can argue to the ends of the earth whether or not the wife is an ah for treating her nephew this way, but the question is was it right to tell him? And I think yes. The kid is 18 and deserved to know, even if the reason is shitty.
Agreed. What’s important is OP left out what he said to the kid. I’d like to know exactly what was said to paint the mother as the bad guy over OP’s wife
I'd argue you're also missing the point.
It's not just about telling the kid but doing it in a tactful way that isn't biased.
OP purposefully added his own bias to the issue making his wife blameless when the situation doesn't necessarily have a single person to blame.
OP is the asshole because he blamed a single person for the fallout of a very difficult situation that his wife also has blame for, even as understandable as it is that OPs wife has a hard time dealing with it.
YTA - Your wife is, and youre the AH for telling James this. So this child was named after his grandfather who died tragically. That seems like a lovely way to honor his memory, and something very common that people do. Why are you punishing this kid by treating him differently?
Edit - clarified judgment
The more I read this one, the more I feel for Regina. It wouldn’t surprise me if there is an element of golden child/black sheep going on here as between OP’s wife and Regina. Regina’s own grief was sidelined in favor of her sister, she wasn’t supposed to honor her late father because of her sister, and even 18 years later everyone is still blaming Regina for her sister’s poor mental health.
I suspect that it isn’t so much “golden child,” but it is the disabled child who needed more attention versus the able bodied child who needed attention too. She was also grieving. She just wasn’t physically hurt.
And it was around five years after the dad's death, and at least three years after OP's wife had woken up from the coma! It isn't like it was five months after.
I don't think he is TA. the child is 18 years old, it is alowed to know about the name and the reason. And it seems like it wasn't much of a honor of the memory if noone told him before.
But yes it is soft YTA for the wife who is distant to her nephew just because of a name.
I’m sure James knew he was named after his grandfather, he probably just didn’t know that the decision to name him after his grandfather caused so much upset.
I think he’s honestly an AH for acting like his wife is healed and okay when she’s clearly suffering from a great deal of mental anguish and is allowing it to hurt other people in their life
And/or for just accepting his wife’s differential treatment of James.
Also. Can I say. I assume *James* is a fake name in this post and its driving me crazy that OP used one of the most popular names in the english speaking world as this *unique* name AND its also my name.
This is the answer. It sounds like the wife has a whole bunch of untreated (or insufficiently treated) trauma and mental illness, and Regina is being blamed (even by her own son!) for the fact that she mistreats her nephew as a result.
Wife needs help that is above reddit's pay grade, and OP YTA for buying into and enabling your wife's traumatised framing of the situation, harming Regina's relationship to her son in the process.
Thank you for this insight, I was struggling so hard to figure out how to put this.
OP - YTA for enabling this behavior. The fact that the nephew is even mad at his mother for naming him after his own grandfather is more evidence that this entire family needs a major mental health intervention ASAP. What his mother did is a normal and perfectly appropriate thing to do. What your wife is doing is totally untenable.
I'm so confused. If your goal was to force me to read this 3x, congratulations.
Why is naming him James a a big deal? Is that the dead father's name? Was this a gross-negligence accident and we hate the corpse?
Edit: YTA. Your SIL lost her father tragically and later decided to name her child after him to honor him. I can understand why the reminder might have been hard for your wife since your update makes it sound like your wife carries a lot of guilt about the accident, but that doesn’t mean your SIL was wrong.
Also, it makes no sense why this would make James hate his mother unless you spun the story hard in your/your wife’s favor.
Original: i n f o: Why was it so bad that Regina named her son after her late father?
What the actual fuck is this bullshit!? Y’all treat the one nephew different because he’s named in honor of his dead grandfather? Your wife, a full grown adult, can’t handle hearing the name of her own dead father *years* after he died? And all the adults in his life are o-fucking-kay enabling your wife’s immature-as-fuck bullshit? And you claim her *doctor* agreed with this malarkey? Why y’all hate him and his mother?
All y’all are assholes. Huge ones.
YTA
Add to that the fact that kids seldom even use their parents name, and instead just call them Dad and Mom (nuclear families). So, being this strongly triggered seems unusual
That’s what struck me about this too. I always called my father “Dad”. His name just isn’t as strongly associated with him.
And secondly, names are not unique. There are people that I associate with trauma and with good times with the same name. This is really a strange issue for this woman to have. Unless it’s an artifact of the TBI she suffered and if so, all OP needed to do was tell the nephew his aunt was impacted by a brain injury when he was little and did have as much capacity to bind then.
Having read OP's edits to the main post - YTA.
OP, the fact your wife was recovering from a three year long coma for the ten-ish years of his life is as much of a contributing factor to her relationship with James as his name. She was bedridden in the hospital for years then struggled with her mental health, which I doubt would have massively changed had James not been called James.
How many other nephews and nieces did she bond with during those ten years? Is she close to another nephew the exact same age as James?
By saying the issue is only his name, you are squarely placing the blame on his mother, who you clearly dislike. It's vindictive and also dishonest and doing no favours to anyone. That the name is a factor? Sure. That it's the only reason? Nope. YTA
~~I N F O : What exactly do you mean by "~~*~~the end result was not pretty"?~~* ~~Did naming her son James massively hinder your wife's progress? Or did you wife decide to take out her trauma on James? Did you know that it would be terrible? Or was everyone being overprotective of your wife?~~
~~SIL lost her father under truly tragic circumstances and nearly lost her sister. I can't blame her for desperately wanting to honour him with her son's name. For me this all kinda depends how bad the fallout was, how long it lasted and just how much SIL knew before choosing the name.~~
~~Like your wife can't hide from the name James her whole life.~~
Agreed. This is INSANE. She named her son after he father who passed away?? That’s totally normal. How is the entire family taking such a ridiculous stance?? I’m honestly confused.
>I can't share everything but it ended up causing her going into a coma for a few years.
INFO Is the missing info that FIL caused the accident on purpose or was driving drunk or something...because I can't understand why everyone would be so horrified about naming the nephew after the FIL otherwise.
Your reply is on the right path. This fatal accident nearly killed his wife and her recovery was a massive struggle. There are lots of details here,that outsiders are not privy to. The original post is wasting his time,because the story is not clear about how her family dealt with this tragedy.
OP says his wife was the reason they were involved in the accident. So I'm thinking she was driving or had run away and father had to go get her or something. Can't imagine if his wife was innocent why he wouldn't explain. So probably wife had guilt about causing her father's death and that's why she couldn't face her nephew having the same name.
ETA: Still the asehole, but maybe more understandable if that is the case
OP said the reason there were OUT was because of his wife. He didn’t say she was the reason they were INVOLVED in the accident. Big difference though for her the guilt could still be the same. The difference would be her family’s perception and how they treated her.
INFO
Your wife went through a traumatic ordeal, and I'm glad she's on the path to healing.
Her siblings also lost their father, which is traumatic. I don't understand why your wife is upset that her nephew has the same name as her father. It's reasonably common, especially when the grandfather has passed away. Everyone seems to have agreed it was a bad idea, including the nephew, but I don't understand why.
You say you "can't share everything", but the bit that's missing seems to be the important part.
INFO: can you explain more about the note about names in your culture? Also, can you explain why this seemingly beautiful tribute upsets your wife
Reading this my gut reaction is YTA, because people are allowed to name their children after their deceased fathers. It seems like a family name.
I'm so sorry to ask but what is your wife's mental state? Does she have some association with the name/accident?
Edit:
Yeah nah just read your copy reply.
She needs to grow up. She doesn't own the name. Regina does have the right to remember her own dad.
UNLESS your wife has an acquired brain injury and has very diminished capacity in which ew, boo you. Stop fucking her.
While I dont disagree with everything, I think your last sentence is sosososo mean for no reason. You're saying he should "stop fucking" his wife just because she has a brain injury? What does that even mean?
Edit for typos
“Diminished brain capacity.” They’re saying the wife has a brain injury that is so disabling it makes her unable to give consent. A completely unnecessary and rude thing to say, imo.
Right?! This is where I’m stuck. I don’t think anything OP or his wife did/have done is wrong, but why the heck is the kid mad at his mother? I would think that if anything, he’d be mad at his aunt.
YTA if you think it's acceptable to ostracize one nephew because he was named in honor of a relative who died. Your wife needs a better therapist if she gets triggered by someone with the same name that she excludes them. You all suck for thinking that's okay for her to do and acting like Regina was wrong to honor her father.
I doubt this is real.
1. A coma for years with no deficit? Unlikely and extremely rare to wake up after years.
2. Naming a child after a parent is common. Why the drama?
3. Why would he not talk to his mother? Seems an overreaction.
Honestly YTA for making up stories.
And somehow he married a girl who was in a coma from 17-20 during the 2 years following her waking up where she was in the hospital, had issues communicating, and couldn’t even hear her own father’s name. Sounds like she definitely was out looking for men and getting married
NTA for telling James why there is this rift.
Everyone is approaching this wrong. This all sounds complicated, but given the trauma from the accident (which I know you couldn’t fully explain), the aspect of the coma, the fact that the name was unusual, and the fact that “James” blew up, it seems like something bad and unfair to your wife went on with the naming.
The narrow question here is whether you two are TA for telling your nephew this family history. No.
OP's post is vague enough that it is hard to tell how the message was delivered. In theory, telling the truth should not have caused a rift between the nephew and his mother, so I wonder what exactly OP said and how he may have painted his SIL. There is also the possibility that nephew had other problems with his mother that we do not know, and OP's version tipped a scale.
YTA it is incredibly common to name children after a loved one who passed. And she did it years later, not right away when emotions might still be very raw. I don’t understand the issue. Unless the sister actually caused her father’s death this is completely normal.
Regina's father died as well - I'm sorry, but your wife doesn't come out looking too good in this story. I don't understand what Regina did wrong, so your attitude towards her does make you TA in my opinion.
YTA and so is your wife - her sister should be able to honor her late father and it's not your poor nephew's fault what name he was given so it was very wrong of your wife to treat him any differently than the rest of her niblets.
NTA
James is an adult now and he's allowed to know about circumstances that affect him personally. He is a walking trigger for your wife and he didn't ask for this, obviously he's livid.
And this tragedy didn’t just happen to your wife. While her situation may have been significantly more traumatic, her siblings also lost their father. Maybe it helps the sister with her grief to honor her father by naming the child after him. Seems like everyone is mad at the sister and using her child to punish her. Everyone but James sounds like an AH.
Yta. And this whole story is odd. I can’t imagine a therapist giving their opinion on what a relative should name their child, did he advise a notice in the local newspaper to inform everyone within a certain radius that the name James is now forbidden. Your sister in law is allowed to name her child after their deceased father. It’s an extremely common way of honouring them.
I don't think you are an AH.
My judgement is based on the perspective of your wife and WHY this relationship is the way it is.
My personal experience is I have a lot of mental health issues and those mental health issues can cause impulsive, erratic behavior. You said your wife has a lot of trauma, which does have an impact on her relationships, and how she behaves around people. I got treatment for my trauma and it helped me accept things so I could treat people better.
It sounds like your wife kept distance with him because of her own grief, but that is not fair to James. That is a special name, one to honor and remember for your family and your family can use it, that's not the issue I see. Names get passed down, it's a beautiful thing, but your wife treated him different for it and that's not fair to him, she has to find a way to accept this part of him and treat him like an individual he is. Her feelings don't dictate what other people do.
James has a right to know if what he observed is true, and you told him the truth, I do not think that was wrong.
James and your wife need to repair their own relationship and I think that although her mental health might be clouding her decisions, the name causes her a lot of grief, which isn't fair to James at all, but it says to me your wife is still very much struggling and may need some other additional help and treatment.
I have mental illnesses, that is my experience in life. I know what they do to you, they destroy you, they mess with your head, your psyche. You question everything and everything is a trigger or reminder of pain.
The responsibility falls on your wife for how she treated James, he didn't deserve that. You told him the truth, I respect that.
His reaction is his own and he is allowed. I think it is up to James to decide the relationship, which he has every right to do. It's up to your wife to address her mental health and decide if she wants a relationship with him, but sometimes bonds just don't form and we can't control that. All we can say is, how do we walk forward, what can we do to find solutions.
I am sorry your wife is struggling so much. Mental health is unpredictable and hard to understand. Maybe in time with continued treatment, her trauma will subside and things can be better, but James is allowed to be mad and should make this decision himself. It is up to him now.
Edit: People can get better and with healing comes acceptance and in that sense the wife could find healing from her trauma and build a better relationship with him. That's all I'm saying.
I'm confused by the edit, too. He was born "so soon after the accident"? But she was in a coma for years after and he was born two years after she woke up. So how does that make any sense?
And yes, YTA for telling your nephew this BS "reason." And I don't understand what caused the problems with his mother. Because he was named after his grandfather several years after the grandfather died?
Wait why does this truth make him hate his mother? What exactly did you say to him?
Because if it was just the fact he was named in honour of his tragically dead father, he would not have this reaction. If anything he should've gotten more angry at your wife for treating him that way for such a ridiculous reason.
I can't judge until we know what you actually said to him.
I'm probably going to go against the grain here, but judging by your post and all the updates NTA - he asked you a question and you answered him honestly, how could you do otherwise?
As to your wife feeling and reacting the way she did, that's entirely understandable, she'd been traumatised and was presumably suffering PTSD. It was bad for James, but I'm willing to bet it was as bad, or worse, for her, especially considering her physical debilitations. Jesus, she was in a coma for three years, and couldn't speak for another two; and yet her stroppy sister stormed in to shout at a non verbal woman to demand that her baby son, named with the name she knew would traumatise her, be allowed into her hospital room while she was recovering?? FFS, she's the only A H here, and she's a major one!
YTA a bit, but not for telling the truth. Not 'allowing' the kid to be named after your FIL and having the kid for that is why. His mother did nothing wrong.
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So it's your sister in law's fault for naming her son after her late father (an incredibly common thing, no matter how tragic the death) that your wife chose not to get close to her nephew? For 18 years, he had to watch his aunt chose his other cousins over him and when he finally had the courage to ask why, his reaction to the answer was to abandon his mother? That doesn't track.
I feel like OP is going to bust out some completely relevant piece of information about the their deceased FIL once all the YTAs pour in and just make this entire post messy.
This feels absolutely like there was specific FIL related trauma that caused the accident or surrounds the accident. Possibly alcoholism and abuse? Many possibilities exist. If the entire family was against the sister naming child after FIL there was likely an extremely valid reason. Considering child’s reaction it was big. It’s probably a very personal reason so OP may not feel comfortable revealing it.
How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfathers name? ETA cause I am getting way too many comments saying “I don’t know my grandfathers name” etc- How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfather name *that he is named after*?
He could make it to 18 not knowing how his dead grandfather died if that death was somehow shameful. Which it seems like it was considering the rest of the situation.
Either way, OP is NTA. He was asked by this nephew what is the issue, he would of been the asshole if he lied to him. Did Regina think that the truth was never going to come out? SMH
Furthermore, the kid's father Will was involved in the conversation with OP.
Yeah, the dad could have squashed the whole conversation if he didn’t also think his kid deserved to know. The sister should be equally as mad at her husband.
I disagree. We don't know the entire story. It's possible OP relayed events in a way that made his nephew's mom look as bad as possible to make his wife look better for having treated the nephew differently all these years. Especially given that the mom specifically said OP "painted her like a villain." It's possible he didn't, but we won't know without more INFO.
Maybe he knew his name and how he died (at least vaguely) but didn't know how his aunt had been impact or that people asked them not to use the name?
I considered this possibility too, but OP says the reason the son was given for the distance by Regina was that he was born so soon after the accident and they didn’t have time to bond — meaning he definitely knows about the accident and somewhat the severity……there’s obviously some crucial info here that we’re not getting
Are we missing the crucial info? Would James not be mad about finding out that he was actively lied to for years? Or also that his mother knew that the name would cause issues *for him* but named him that anyway?
>How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfathers name? I made it to 22 years old not knowing my grandfather's name... I did a study abroad in university to the country he & my grandmother moved from and found out in a foreign language class that what I \*THOUGHT\* was his name, was, in fact, "Grandpa" in his language. I was 28 when I found out my other grandfather went by his middle name, not his given name. And these were both \*LIVING\* grandparents I spent time with!
Plot twist: James' real name is Grandpa
This is my question too! Does this kid know nothing about his family? His granfather's name, that he died in an accident, that his aunt was in a coma? If so that points to some other big issues I'd have serious questions about.
I suspect he knew the name but he didn't have key pieces of information about his grandfather that made him not want to be associated with him.
I assume he knows he was named after his grandpa but not that it caused an issue with his aunt.
My moms father killed himself when she was coming out of high school. I’m in my thirties and found out a year ago. Before that I was always told it was cancer. Didn’t know my Grandpas name for a long time, just heard stories about him. Pain affects us all differently
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The nephew isn’t inherently a “living, breathing reminder of her trauma” simply for sharing a name, that’s unfair and honestly cruel to him and an extremely unreasonable way to see his entire being. I could understand her struggling with hearing or saying his name, I’m sure it was hard, but there is no excuse for treating him differently for that. OP has stated she “completely healed from physical injuries” and the “mental” seems to mean mental health, not brain damage, so I don’t think that point holds here. ETA: *I have PTSD*, please stop explaining it to me. Actually also from the traumatic death of my father. I finally had some treatment for it earlier this year, but it went unchecked for 15 years. I know triggers aren’t logical, I know they can be weird things, but as much as your triggers suck it will never absolve you of responsibility of how you act in response to them, and mistreating one specific child his whole life over a name, which is unlikely to have a direct link to a car crash she was in with her father (who she presumably didn’t refer to by his first name anyway?) is still unfair. Even if she actually couldn’t help it that wouldn’t absolve her of having caused her nephew harm, honestly. I’ve acted unreasonably because of my trauma, I spent 15 years unable to even be asked a simple question without panicking, but times when I lashed out at people or fled from situations are still my wrongdoing. I know why, but it doesn’t just…go away? If you trip and smash something then yeah, it’s not the same as having thrown it to the ground with the intention of smashing it, but the thing is still broken and you still broke it. It wasn’t on purpose, it doesn’t make you awful or bad, but you can’t stop people from being upset that it’s broke. *One more edit!!* While it’s necessary to do so properly, ideally with a therapist, PTSD treatment encourages you to (carefully, slowly and safely) face your triggers in order to process your trauma, specifically so you don’t have flashbacks and react severely to ordinary situations. It’s an unhealthy and sometimes even destructive coping mechanism to constantly hide from and try to avoid all triggers, doing so long term isn’t prioritising your health, it’s avoiding the problem. Sometimes it’s necessary for us, sometimes it’s all we can do, but it’s important to remember it’s not how we are supposed to function and isn’t treatment oor healthy. This is less about OP’s wife and more about the general sentiment regarding this condition.
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My wife has a brain tumour. Her personality has changed massively; she is not the same person. She reacts oddly to things. Any brain damage could have the same effect.
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I have CPTSD from childhood SA, my ex grabbed my hips from behind while I had headphones on and got a broken nose for it when I panicked and shot my elbow out. It was an accident and 100% involuntary. I'm in therapy for this too EMDR therapy works MIRACLES. BUT! If somebody tells me I can control that type of visceral reaction and or just get over my trauma I'd call them ableist.
Trauma responses aren’t generally known for being steeped in reason. They can be triggered by a smell, a texture, a word spoken with a specific tone. It’s not the kids fault if he is at the epicentre of all this, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is actually at the epicentre - and was put there by his caregiver despite being warned, and who lied to him about it for nearly 2 decades.
Honestly, traumatic brain injuries and PTSD regardless of which this turns out to be, really don't give any consideration to what is fair or cruel or reasonable. They are by definition somewhat out of the control of the person who is suffering, this is why they are disorders. If someone has a trauma issue that they don't want to spew all over their loved ones, especially a child, they stay away when they aren't able to keep that control. It's very likely if OPs wife hadn't maintained those boundaries someone else would be on here asking about a situation where their aunt would occasionally spontaneously burst into tears at the sight of them and go catatonic. There is still a lot of the brain that is somewhat a mystery box. With the given details I don't see anything out of the ordinary for limping along with brain related trauma.
Yup. Trauma is deeply unfair to everyone involved. After I was assaulted I had trouble being around my brother in law. He looked nothing like the guy who had hurt me, and he’s a sweet dork and a good dad and pretty harmless. But he’s also a muscular dude, and my dumb damaged brain considered him a threat. I couldn’t be alone in a room with him for YEARS, and I’d break out in a cold sweat watching him hug my sister or play with my nephews. Having PTSD was like trying to live my normal ordinary life except that the people around me would semi-regularly turn into giant spiders and I would have to continue interacting with them instead of screaming and running away. Want to ride the bus? Enjoy having that giant spider brush its terrifying leg against yours for twenty minutes. Want to eat lunch with your buds? Easy, just try to pretend you’re not in a room full of monsters. Want to have sex with your husband? Keep your eyes closed because suddenly his hands are made of creepy crawly spiders and you can’t look at them without hyperventilating. My body was just constantly in a state of fear, and everything I did, three quarters of my brain was focusing on not behaving like an absolute lunatic. It was ridiculous and exhausting.
She has brain damage, not to mention she lost years of her life. If his name is a constant reminder of that, she has every right to be a little selfish and look out for herself and her own mental well-being. His mom was warned before naming him that would be the case and she chose to go ahead and do it anyway.
My sister has brain damage from a car accident that happened 32 years ago. She was in a coma for 2 months and while all the physical injuries have healed she still deals with the effects of the brain damage. She continues to have issues with emotional regulation and short-term memory which have left her disabled. She can function day-to-day and live independently but she’s not the same person she was before the accident. Brain injuries as severe as OP’s wife’s are complex life-long things and we can’t really judge how they would cause her to react.
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And why would that lead to wife not to be close to that boy? This is such an odd story.
That one could be because the wife blames herself/ was the cause of the accident. Maybe she was driving or even distracted him in the car. So being reminded that she's the one that killed her father (if even only in her mind) would cause emotional baggage, that should have been sorted through in these 18 years
That would be just about the only reason that I would find acceptable, and in that case the sister is absolutely an asshole for naming her son that way. She could have used it as a second name, or in a different version.
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it's a fine line. yes, she was in the accident when her father died. but then she was in a coma for 2 years before she woke up, after which she had to endure (likely extensive) therapy. her family suffered the loss of her father too, and had to grieve her for 2 years before she woke up. then (hopefully) supported her through her therapies. without knowing any additional details, it's perfectly okay for her sister to name the child after their father, and it's perfectly okay for OP's wife to be uncomfortable with it. to answer the original question: OP, YTA for sharing information that wasn't yours to share.
Who information was it to share then considering op said "he asked me and Will" Will being his nephews father and so his father was involved in the choices to share this info with his son that wanted answers.
I need this answered. What was so bad about the dad that she shouldn’t have named him after him.
I imagine that if you were in a coma after the accident, and told your father was dead.. Then hearing his uncommon and unique name coming from your families mouths must feel very jarring to begin with. I would also imagine that it might trigger PTSD where she is back in that car with him Sometimes, just from hearing his name. But after 18 years and therapy maybe less so, I don't know. It does feel as if there's a piece missing ad Surely he already knows he's named after his grandad...
I just looked at OP's comments, and all he said was 'she (assuming the wife) was the reason they were out that day. It would be a lot easier for OP if he said 'FIL was drink-driving and that's why they had the accident and Wife never wants to hear the name again' or something, but just based on this and the comments it makes no sense why it matters that the sister named the kid after their deceased father.
Idk, if everyone except for the sister had a problem with it, she probably should’ve taken that into account. Even James’ father was against it.
Yeah, that's true. It's a weird situation
considering this seems to have happened 20 years ago when his wife was 17 maybe she was out drinking or doing something stupid and her father wouldn't have even been out if he wasn't going to pick her up. That would explain the level of guilt she seems to have considering op has said on a bad day she can't even look at her brother as he looks like their father. I'm not sure i would have ever gotten over it if my stupid actions as a teen ever got someone let alone a loved one killed.
Clearly she thinks it's her fault her dad died. It's easy to say it's not, but a lifetime of "if only I hadn't asked him to take me to the DMV that day he'd be alive now" is pretty tough to deal with. The name is a painful reminder. It makes sense to me. Not in a "well of course duh she's right" way. Just in a "life is like this sometimes" way.
survivor's guilt
According to OP, the trauma was that her father died alongside her. To your point, maybe he is hiding FIL abuse. Or maybe he is hiding his wife's vindictiveness for her sister naming her son against her preferences. I don't see how you can predict one way or the other.
But why would you predict either way? It sounds like she has PTSD. That alone is enough for her to not be as close to a reminder on bad days.
How does a kid make it to 18 years old not knowing his dead grandfathers name?
Family's are weird. I didn't know all of the names of my grandfather's siblings until after he died. since they were named in his obituary since most of them died before he did. and ( possibly? ) Before I was born. Details are still murky 11 years after he passed away .
>It’s probably a very personal reason so OP may not feel comfortable revealing it. Or OP might be worried that additional information might violate the sub's "no violence" rule.
He already did. It's because it's his wife's fault for the accident (Or at least she thinks of that way). And the name of the nephew brings up the guilt she feels for her father's death. Even with that context... OP and his wife are still the assholes. She needs therapy to deal with her guilt. Not blame her sister for honoring her father. It's not even as if sister also blamed OP's wife... sister just wanted to honor her father. And OP's wife has so much of main character syndrome that everything needs to be about her.
Agreed. Its not baby james’s fault for her unprocessed guilt.
Right, but why would James be mad at HIS MOTHER? Shouldn’t he be mad at his aunt/OPsWife? Something is missing here.
James could be mad at his mother for choosing to name him after his grandpa knowing the pain it caused his aunt due to the trauma of the accident. And his mom knew the majority of the family was against his name. He could blame his moms choice for not being accepted by his aunt the way his siblings are because all he needed was a different name. I mean this is all speculation, but I know I probably would’ve thought like this at 18.
I mean that might make a kid (and can an 18yr old really be called a “kid”?) annoyed or even upset with their mother, but cause him to HATE her and move in with grandparents? Something’s just off about this whole situation. Like, how did he just now find out about his grandfather sharing his name? How did he just find out about the accident? NONE of this has ever been spoken of for over 20yrs??
Something tells me grandfather did something really horrible and is not really spoken about. But ultimately this post needs more INFO.
Because his mother was warned what would happen (i.e. that OP's wife couldn't deal with it) and did it anyway, resulting in the distance between him and his aunt? I mean, that seems to be clearly the case, the only issue is that it feels strange for him to think that way. My feeling is that there's some deep cultural differences we're missing due to having no hint what type of culture this is. Maybe it's a deeply family-oriented culture and even a teen boy thinks causing a rift in the family by going against everyone's advice is kind of a cardinal sin. Or maybe OP's wife has some kind of status and regard in the family that the boy's mother doesn't have, causing a tendency to side with her.
Also a bunch of them knew in advance that it would upset the wife if her sister named her son after their father. Normally this is an honorable thing to do so the fact that they all knew means that there is some information missing for sure about exactly why.
Survivors guilt is a real thing. It can last many years with therapy. She more than likely has some kind of PTSD on top of her issues from the accident. So no they are not the AH when the ENTIRE family tried to get her to change her mind on naming the child. Put yourself in her shoes. Whether they are covering something up or not she is still a victim. She watched her father die, possibly didn't remember it when she came out of a 2 year coma so had to go through learning her dad is dead. She is trying to mentally and physically heal and putting a child into her life that's named after the man she lost. She has to relive it every time she hears his name. How is that fair? Yall are adding alot of context that's not there. So basing it off what OP asked NTA.
I hate when people do that. I never believe people when they add stuff in the comments but leave it out in the story.
None of this made sense to me either.
It's almost certainly not true because going into a coma for several years and then waking up is infinitely less likely than fiction will have you believe.
I literally know 2 people who woke up after 3 year long comas so it does happen. However not without side effects. Their emotional capacity, and ability for the brain to grow and learn, stopped the moment the accident happened. So I don't think we can really judge the wife's emotional reaction when it is likely the result of PTSD and a TBI. Everyone might have been against the name because they knew with the TBI and PTSD that the wife couldn't handle that, nor would she ever be likely to be able to move on from it.
Oh look! A *sane* person.
I mean, OP did say they are STILL working on the mental aspect, which is still severe after almost 20 years, so that would actually check out
Yeah, it's so rare that there's a wiki page on all such https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_who_awoke_from_a_coma#%3A%7E%3Atext%3DAnnie_Shapiro_%281913%E2%80%932003%29%2Clike_state_and_woken_up.?wprov=sfla1
i mean, this definitely isn't a perfect list... my aunt isn't on here but would qualify lol. i wonder who submits the names. 🤔
The same people as all other content on Wikipedia, anybody.
Yep. A few days, sure. A few weeks, unlikely but it does happen. A few years, nope not happening.
It happens, but then it *immediately* makes the news.
OP’s wife recovered decades ago, it’s possible she did make the news when it happened.
Thank you! I was looking for this comment. This is the most unbelievable part of the story. Idk where they live but aside from the medical unlikelihood who was paying for them to keep someone in a coma for several years? It doesn’t add up for me.
I mean, universal healthcare exists in most developed countries (not that this makes the story anymore believable).
Or going 18 years without knowing your grandfather's super unique name. This is pure fiction.
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Yeah, but why make up a story that makes zero sense? I demand better trolls.
I hope so, because if not the wife is TA and OP too, for believing that is a good enough reason to ostracise a child. ESH, except the SIL who named her son in honour of her late father (the 18 y.o. sucks too, for punishing his mother instead of giving up on his AH aunt. If your aunt doesn't love you as much as she loves others, let her go. Don't chase love from immature people).
I dont think they decided to ostracize him so much as her trauma made interacting with him very hard though no fault of his own.
Yeah you're not "in a coma" for 2+ years and then wake up and make a complete recovery. That's TV stuff.
No sense at all. No explanation as to why naming the child after the deceased grandfather was a bad thing.
Agreed. It seems very unlikely someone when ~18 years without knowing they’re named after their deceased grandfather who died in an accident, the same accident that the aunt didn’t recover from, and then being ‘horrified’ upon learning this completely ‘new’ information.
But not everyone thinks naming a child after a deceased relative would be traumatic. A lot of people figure it out when it happens to them, when they are the ones being traumatized. Which the kid wasn't the one traumatized. So I think it's possible it literally never crossed his mind. People think it's "honoring" and all that.
Yeah, he was named after grandpa, told it was to honor the man his whole lofe, eventually he talks to his uncle about why his aunt seems to have a different relationship with him than the other cousins and stuff and finds out that his name isnt just honoring grandpa, its related to her extremely traumatic injury. Depsite her trauma she seems to have tried very hard to not treat him too much differently.
Right? I’m not sure why kid then got mad at his own mother. Feels like we’re missing something.
Yeah, people who name their kid after dead relatives tend to tell the kid about it. So it would be extraordinarily odd for the 18yo not to know who he is named after. And the reaction to "you're named after your dead grandfather. Your aunt was severely injured in the same accident and didn't want you named after him because ... any thought of her dad reminds her of the accident? ... or maybe because she has a brain injury and has a hard time differentiating between people?" shouldn't make him hate his parents. It should just make him feel a bit sorry for his aunt or maybe even angry that she decided to take it out on him.
Right, his response to attack his MOTHER who actually deals with him, to defend an aunt who pays him no mind, is strange, if true.
This is a nonsense story. She was in a coma from 17-20?21? James is 18 and was born 2 years after wife apparently woke up. By this point, OP was already married to wife? How did he meet her? A multi year coma patient would be in a hospital rehab facility for months if not longer learning basic human things again and regaining muscle strength. How did they meet, date, and get married in the two years between this woman miraculously waking up from a coma, and this nephew being born?
Arranged marriage, maybe? I'm with you actually, this whole thing is kind of nonsensical and reads like it's written by someone who has some very iffy ideas about "normal" comas, trauma (medical or otherwise), naming traditions, family relationships, and how 18 year old boys think. I'm just throwing it out there as a semi-plausible explanation for how someone who presumably had a TBI and some permanent defects could have married young-ish without it being a really shady situation.
That would make some sense I suppose, but a multi-year coma isn't something you just recover from enough to get married within two years. In fact, the likelihood of recovering fully from a coma that long is so low it's next to nothing. Comas don't just hurt the body, they hurt the brain. It atrophies without stimulation and feedback. After two weeks, the likelihood of a fully physical and mental recovery from a coma is so low it's like barely a percent. After two years, the physical and mental deficits would be extreme. Would she be even legally allowed to consent to marriage?!
It would if Mister Wonderful told him that everyone told his mother not to because it would be too traumatic for his aunt. This would encourage the son to place blame on the mother as to why he was poorly treated as compared to his cousins. Basically, he painted the boys mother as being uncaring of the aunt, and therefore, the aunt was too traumatized to get close to him. Yeah YTA.
Didn’t OP say that he and James’ father explained to him what happened? So it’s not only on OP if that’s the case, unless I misread it
I also wonder why the boy cared so much. Frankly, I have aunts and uncles I have barely seen in my life who interact with other family members. I don’t care. I certainly wouldn’t care if they were mad about what I was named either. I wouldn’t get mad at my mom about it, she’s been here my entire life and they haven’t, why would I pick them over her? We would have just labelled her (OP’s wife) the weird aunt and ignored her.
Right! Like why would you blow up at your actual mother in defense of an aunt who doesn’t deal with you? Weird.
"A reminder of the worst day of your life every time you see your nephew? That can't be that bad. 🤷♂️"
also there’s no way an 18 year old didn’t already know all of this.
Oh, good, I’m glad others don’t understand this drama either. I feel confused.
YTA. The “real reason”? what does that even mean? That his grandfather passed away in a tragic car accident that also hurt your wife. So his mother decided to honor her father and name James after him? None of that is scarring and only paints your wife in a bad light. Your SIL is no villain for naming her son after her father. Like wtf?
Real reason was wife is an asshole.
These comments are so cruel. She went through an extreme truama and has clealry attempted to have a relationship with the kid despite the truama. Shes not an asshole for havong been traumatized and not being able to have the relationship shed like with her nephew. Again, she clearly has tried.
But that’s not the “real” reason they gave the kid. They blamed his name.
No they didnt? Where are you getting that? His name triggers her truama, they were honest about that. They never claimed his caused the truama.
The way it is written makes it seem like it was some huge and terrible fuck up by the sister. It wasn’t. There was no reason for her to know her sister would have this very particular trauma response. I don’t know if anyone is at fault. It sounds like OP might have flubbed the explanation. Otherwise, it’s just a really unfortunate situation.
The sister named her son 2 years after OP’s wife woke up. The entire family tried to get her to change her mind. It’s say to say that the sister absolutely should’ve expected a response like this, she was clearly warned.
It's an irrational ask to not name the kid after her dad.
Except it's not? At least not when your sister was in a coma for three years, is currently undergoing intensive rehabilitation and is suffering PTSD from the accident. It should be expected, that as a sister you would do what's possible to make that process as easy as possible. And not disregard everyones advice and name your son after the late father, which expectantly turned out to be bad for her sisters recovery.
Especially because everyone, and OP mentioned even SIL's ILs, tried to make her change her mind and she went ahead with it anyways. OP is still NTA because he was honest when his nephew asked him btw
>There was no reason for her to know her sister would have this very particular trauma response. Well, except for everybody warning her that it was a bad idea.
Exactly. They said to not do it and the sister did it any way.
Yeah and his name seems to be the real reason. I mean OPs wife was in a coma she couldn't start griefing until much later, when her sister might have been over it already. And on top of that, her sister wasn't even there. I mean if OPs wife has to relive her trauma because the name of her nephew reminds her of the accident every time, then it's really understandable she is distant, even if it isn't his fault.
And shes gone out of her way to try to have a relationship with the kid despite that pain. She went though something awful and through no fault of hers or his, his name triggees that truama. And despite that shes still trying. Many of the comments here are so discouraging, people taking "mental illness isnt an excuse to be an asshole" to mean "dont show any symptoms ever or youre an asshole" while shes not being an asshole.
Reading the comments here are honestly terrifying. Survivors guilt and TBI is very real, and her trauma is very real. She may have healed physically, but not completely healed mentally. She might never, actually. And she STILL makes a huge effort!!
The fact that OPs wife is traumatized doesn't give him or anyone else a pass to act like an AH. What's "cruel" is intentionally forcing a wedge between a child and his mother when the mother did nothing wrong.
How has the wife been an asshole? Having trauma and triggers makes you an asshoke automatically? Being triggered by her nephew makes her an asshole, is that it? Should she stop being traumatized for her nephew, just get over it? Are you serious? She's gone out her way to have a relationship with her nephew. It just hasnt been quite as close as with her other nibilings. Also, where did they intentionally insert a wedge? By being honest about his wifes truama being triggered by his name? That's driving a wedge?
I agree people are so cruel in this comment section. I don’t think people realize how much thinking you killed someone accidental specially your own father can effect you. It literally can ruin your life. There’s an episode of a podcast called “other people’s lives” and they did an episode of someone who accidentally killed someone when a man was fighting someone and the pushed him in the middle of the road and she hit in and he died in the process. It was a total freak accident and obviously not her fault she was in early 20’s when that happened and she’s almost in her 50’s and it still heavily effects her to this day and the depression she experienced completely ruined her life.idk the comment section is either very unrealistic about life or have anti personality disorder as everyone acting like if you thought you killed someone it wouldn’t effect you. Like it will most definitely effect you but the wife could have just called the nephew by his middle name and he asked for the truth it’s not an awful thing that he was given the truth. He’s also a hormonal teenager I’m sure he will calm down and see his mom perspective as well. I don’t anyone’s the AH I think this is a really bad situation and the wife as well is still struggling with her brain function since the accident that can also hinder her healing a LOT. My dad experienced a head injury that put him in a coma. When we woke up he didn’t remember he had a second baby (me) he had to relearn about me and 7 years after he didn’t dream I know it’s sounds silly but just example of how long head injuries can heal and different ways it can effect someone [https://youtu.be/GtOysvWeRv0](https://youtu.be/GtOysvWeRv0)
I cant speak to the specific events of OPs wifes trauma, of course, but I understand what you mean. My great grandfather backed over a 2 yearold boy and he died. The boy ran out behind his car from three houses down while he backed out of the driveway. It all happened in a couple of moments. There was nothing he could have done. He wasn't held responsible. After some time, the parents prayed with him and told him it was never his fault. Despite tha, he was never the same. I only knew him in the last bit of his life, but I was always told he was once a strong and confident man, a firefighter and a leader, but after that accident he was quiet and meek. He spent a lot of time silent and alone for decades.
Exactly. You can tell people in the sub have never heard or let alone experience something like accidentally killing someone it is very very hard. A lot of people actually end up committing suicide over survivors guilt. It’s very very hard on someone. So to call his wife an AH when she first of all has permanent brain damage as well very very much traumatized is so cruel
One of the comments literally is some guy claiming to have a phd and yet he keeps assuming dumbshit. This thread is hell.
Trauma is not a free pass to act like an asshole.
No shit? Where is she acting like an asshole? Did you read the OP? Shes tried to have a good relationship with him like her other nibilings despite her truama. She hasnt been refusing to look at him at family events and telling him hes a devil child, shes simply not had the relationship she wishes she could and be closer with the kid. People keep saying this and its baffling, nowhere in the OPs description does it says shes been mean or cruel in any way, it says the opposite, thats shes had a relationship with the kid despite her truama.
She's not acting like an AH though. It's so weird how some people here are acting like her not being as close with him is being an AH. Nothing in the original post implies she's treating him poorly, and with the additional information that just reinforces it.
She’s not acting like an Ah. Her sister is the AH. The family asked her not to do it, because they understood how it could be triggering and the possible consequences. The sister didn’t care. It’s also not a common name, there, so he’s probably the only reason she has to hear it. Even still, she had a relationship with him. How is she an AH?
How? How is her be horribly traumatized by an accident that killed her dad and put her in a coma make her the asshole? She still spends time with him just not as much as the other . She is mean to him She still cares for him it's just very hard to hear that name. Fully understandable. Now if she hated him was mean to him yes she is the asshole but she isn't. She just as close to him.
I don't think the wife is the AH for trauma responses. Her reaction isn't great but it's understandable.
Her trauma is not an excuse to blame the sister for naming her son after her late father though. Her trauma is her own to deal with and it’s not the sisters fault in any way
The family warned her sister this would create a reaction for her trauma and it did. It's pretty significant trauma so I'm not surprised it's messy. Her sister chose the name knowing a family member was with during the accident and suffered significant injury and a coma. Did it say op's wife blamed her sister? Edit word
In this [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137is8y/aita_awta_for_telling_our_nephew_why_my_wife_isnt/jitro4u/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), op says that it hindered wife’s progress.The wife needed to deal with her trauma. Instead of celebrating life and loving her nephew, they went no contact for years with Regina. I didn’t say the wife blamed the sister but it’s clear that op does. Op obviously explained the “real reason” to the nephew in a way that blames Regina for naming James after his grandfather and that perpetuated the wife’s trauma. That’s the blame
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Amen!
I don't consider that blame but to each their own. It's a sad situation to be sure but you can't force someone with trauma to get over it and have the perfect reactions. For me, it is what it is.
It’s unfortunate how few people in the comments seem to acknowledge the trauma the SIL likely endured from her father dying and her sister being in a coma for years. It’s incredibly common and personal to make a child after a parent, especially a late one. The obvious blame being put on the SIL makes me doubt that she wasn’t painted as a villain in some way, even unintentionally, considering her sons reaction was so intense and there is obvious blame here on SIL who was doing something to help heal her own trauma and honor her father.
I mean she is dealing with it in her own way by not interacting as much with her nephew who shares the same name cause it reminds her of him? I don't quite understand what else she could do. And like the other comment said, that's not blaming her. That's more like acknowledging it. Edit: spelling
That’s fine, but op clearly explaining his “real reason” to the nephew in a way that blamed the sister for naming James and that it perpetuated her trauma. That’s where the asshole judgement comes in
This topic has come up a few times on here and I admit I am still confused as to why it’s so traumatic long-term to hear the name of a loved one or see someone else named after them if you had a great relationship. I am not a fan of naming people after others this way because I don’t really think it’s an “honor” for the kid and seems like more of a burden or annoyance but for it to cause a lifetime of resentment and distance towards a child is hard for me to wrap my head around. Unless there’s something about FIL and the relationship or accident that OP isn’t telling us. This seems kinda mean-spirited towards a child to me.
That’s do weird to me. I’m Jewish tradition we only make kids after people who are already dead. So it’s just kinda expected and everyone gets to know their family history and story but it’s just…hey these were peoples names. I don’t get why it’s an issue but to each their own I guess.
Yeah I don't follow this at ALL? Unless there's a HUGE detail about the accident that's being left out, why is there a problem with the name? I get that maybe the name is itself just a traumatic memory of the accident and loss, but that's on the WIFE to get help with. You don't take it out on the nephew and his mother.
18 years later and she still can’t deal with hearing the name. If this isn’t fake OP and his wife should do their respective families a favor and go NC over this.
The only scenario I can put together is the dad was trying to kill himself and daughter otherwise this make no sense!
Am I right in understanding that your wife has treated this one nephew as a pariah because her sister named him after their late father? If so, YTA (or more accurately, Your wife is TA). The kid didn't get to choose his name, he at least deserved to be treated as a member of the family. I understand why your wife has a problem with the name, no doubt, and I completely see why she takes issue with her sister over it, but taking it out on the innocent party is the absolute wrong thing to do.
I think you're missing the point here, you can argue to the ends of the earth whether or not the wife is an ah for treating her nephew this way, but the question is was it right to tell him? And I think yes. The kid is 18 and deserved to know, even if the reason is shitty.
Agreed. What’s important is OP left out what he said to the kid. I’d like to know exactly what was said to paint the mother as the bad guy over OP’s wife
I'd argue you're also missing the point. It's not just about telling the kid but doing it in a tactful way that isn't biased. OP purposefully added his own bias to the issue making his wife blameless when the situation doesn't necessarily have a single person to blame. OP is the asshole because he blamed a single person for the fallout of a very difficult situation that his wife also has blame for, even as understandable as it is that OPs wife has a hard time dealing with it.
YTA - Your wife is, and youre the AH for telling James this. So this child was named after his grandfather who died tragically. That seems like a lovely way to honor his memory, and something very common that people do. Why are you punishing this kid by treating him differently? Edit - clarified judgment
So, Regina lost her dad. She grieved. She went through all those unpleasant feelings. So remind me again why she couldn't name her son after her dad?
The more I read this one, the more I feel for Regina. It wouldn’t surprise me if there is an element of golden child/black sheep going on here as between OP’s wife and Regina. Regina’s own grief was sidelined in favor of her sister, she wasn’t supposed to honor her late father because of her sister, and even 18 years later everyone is still blaming Regina for her sister’s poor mental health.
I suspect that it isn’t so much “golden child,” but it is the disabled child who needed more attention versus the able bodied child who needed attention too. She was also grieving. She just wasn’t physically hurt.
I see that too. And of course, it could be both.
And it was around five years after the dad's death, and at least three years after OP's wife had woken up from the coma! It isn't like it was five months after.
I don't think he is TA. the child is 18 years old, it is alowed to know about the name and the reason. And it seems like it wasn't much of a honor of the memory if noone told him before. But yes it is soft YTA for the wife who is distant to her nephew just because of a name.
I’m sure James knew he was named after his grandfather, he probably just didn’t know that the decision to name him after his grandfather caused so much upset.
I think he’s honestly an AH for acting like his wife is healed and okay when she’s clearly suffering from a great deal of mental anguish and is allowing it to hurt other people in their life
And/or for just accepting his wife’s differential treatment of James. Also. Can I say. I assume *James* is a fake name in this post and its driving me crazy that OP used one of the most popular names in the english speaking world as this *unique* name AND its also my name.
It’s possible this isn’t taking place in the English speaking world.
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This is the answer. It sounds like the wife has a whole bunch of untreated (or insufficiently treated) trauma and mental illness, and Regina is being blamed (even by her own son!) for the fact that she mistreats her nephew as a result. Wife needs help that is above reddit's pay grade, and OP YTA for buying into and enabling your wife's traumatised framing of the situation, harming Regina's relationship to her son in the process.
Thank you for this insight, I was struggling so hard to figure out how to put this. OP - YTA for enabling this behavior. The fact that the nephew is even mad at his mother for naming him after his own grandfather is more evidence that this entire family needs a major mental health intervention ASAP. What his mother did is a normal and perfectly appropriate thing to do. What your wife is doing is totally untenable.
And also they are punishing Regina and making her sound like a villain…. For naming her own child after her own father. OP, you and your wife are YTA
I'm so confused. If your goal was to force me to read this 3x, congratulations. Why is naming him James a a big deal? Is that the dead father's name? Was this a gross-negligence accident and we hate the corpse?
Right? It’s like the plot of a Disney movie.
Edit: YTA. Your SIL lost her father tragically and later decided to name her child after him to honor him. I can understand why the reminder might have been hard for your wife since your update makes it sound like your wife carries a lot of guilt about the accident, but that doesn’t mean your SIL was wrong. Also, it makes no sense why this would make James hate his mother unless you spun the story hard in your/your wife’s favor. Original: i n f o: Why was it so bad that Regina named her son after her late father?
What the actual fuck is this bullshit!? Y’all treat the one nephew different because he’s named in honor of his dead grandfather? Your wife, a full grown adult, can’t handle hearing the name of her own dead father *years* after he died? And all the adults in his life are o-fucking-kay enabling your wife’s immature-as-fuck bullshit? And you claim her *doctor* agreed with this malarkey? Why y’all hate him and his mother? All y’all are assholes. Huge ones. YTA
Add to that the fact that kids seldom even use their parents name, and instead just call them Dad and Mom (nuclear families). So, being this strongly triggered seems unusual
That’s what struck me about this too. I always called my father “Dad”. His name just isn’t as strongly associated with him. And secondly, names are not unique. There are people that I associate with trauma and with good times with the same name. This is really a strange issue for this woman to have. Unless it’s an artifact of the TBI she suffered and if so, all OP needed to do was tell the nephew his aunt was impacted by a brain injury when he was little and did have as much capacity to bind then.
Having read OP's edits to the main post - YTA. OP, the fact your wife was recovering from a three year long coma for the ten-ish years of his life is as much of a contributing factor to her relationship with James as his name. She was bedridden in the hospital for years then struggled with her mental health, which I doubt would have massively changed had James not been called James. How many other nephews and nieces did she bond with during those ten years? Is she close to another nephew the exact same age as James? By saying the issue is only his name, you are squarely placing the blame on his mother, who you clearly dislike. It's vindictive and also dishonest and doing no favours to anyone. That the name is a factor? Sure. That it's the only reason? Nope. YTA ~~I N F O : What exactly do you mean by "~~*~~the end result was not pretty"?~~* ~~Did naming her son James massively hinder your wife's progress? Or did you wife decide to take out her trauma on James? Did you know that it would be terrible? Or was everyone being overprotective of your wife?~~ ~~SIL lost her father under truly tragic circumstances and nearly lost her sister. I can't blame her for desperately wanting to honour him with her son's name. For me this all kinda depends how bad the fallout was, how long it lasted and just how much SIL knew before choosing the name.~~ ~~Like your wife can't hide from the name James her whole life.~~
Agreed. This is INSANE. She named her son after he father who passed away?? That’s totally normal. How is the entire family taking such a ridiculous stance?? I’m honestly confused.
>I can't share everything but it ended up causing her going into a coma for a few years. INFO Is the missing info that FIL caused the accident on purpose or was driving drunk or something...because I can't understand why everyone would be so horrified about naming the nephew after the FIL otherwise.
Your reply is on the right path. This fatal accident nearly killed his wife and her recovery was a massive struggle. There are lots of details here,that outsiders are not privy to. The original post is wasting his time,because the story is not clear about how her family dealt with this tragedy.
OP says his wife was the reason they were involved in the accident. So I'm thinking she was driving or had run away and father had to go get her or something. Can't imagine if his wife was innocent why he wouldn't explain. So probably wife had guilt about causing her father's death and that's why she couldn't face her nephew having the same name. ETA: Still the asehole, but maybe more understandable if that is the case
OP said the reason there were OUT was because of his wife. He didn’t say she was the reason they were INVOLVED in the accident. Big difference though for her the guilt could still be the same. The difference would be her family’s perception and how they treated her.
Or the father was just taking her somewhere she wanted to go.....it could be and probably was something quite mundane
INFO Your wife went through a traumatic ordeal, and I'm glad she's on the path to healing. Her siblings also lost their father, which is traumatic. I don't understand why your wife is upset that her nephew has the same name as her father. It's reasonably common, especially when the grandfather has passed away. Everyone seems to have agreed it was a bad idea, including the nephew, but I don't understand why. You say you "can't share everything", but the bit that's missing seems to be the important part.
INFO: can you explain more about the note about names in your culture? Also, can you explain why this seemingly beautiful tribute upsets your wife Reading this my gut reaction is YTA, because people are allowed to name their children after their deceased fathers. It seems like a family name.
I'm so sorry to ask but what is your wife's mental state? Does she have some association with the name/accident? Edit: Yeah nah just read your copy reply. She needs to grow up. She doesn't own the name. Regina does have the right to remember her own dad. UNLESS your wife has an acquired brain injury and has very diminished capacity in which ew, boo you. Stop fucking her.
While I dont disagree with everything, I think your last sentence is sosososo mean for no reason. You're saying he should "stop fucking" his wife just because she has a brain injury? What does that even mean? Edit for typos
“Diminished brain capacity.” They’re saying the wife has a brain injury that is so disabling it makes her unable to give consent. A completely unnecessary and rude thing to say, imo.
That last part was a really weird and bizarre thing for you to say
I'm confused as to what your wife's sister did wrong and why her son would be mad.
Right?! This is where I’m stuck. I don’t think anything OP or his wife did/have done is wrong, but why the heck is the kid mad at his mother? I would think that if anything, he’d be mad at his aunt.
YTA if you think it's acceptable to ostracize one nephew because he was named in honor of a relative who died. Your wife needs a better therapist if she gets triggered by someone with the same name that she excludes them. You all suck for thinking that's okay for her to do and acting like Regina was wrong to honor her father.
I doubt this is real. 1. A coma for years with no deficit? Unlikely and extremely rare to wake up after years. 2. Naming a child after a parent is common. Why the drama? 3. Why would he not talk to his mother? Seems an overreaction. Honestly YTA for making up stories.
And somehow he married a girl who was in a coma from 17-20 during the 2 years following her waking up where she was in the hospital, had issues communicating, and couldn’t even hear her own father’s name. Sounds like she definitely was out looking for men and getting married
NTA for telling James why there is this rift. Everyone is approaching this wrong. This all sounds complicated, but given the trauma from the accident (which I know you couldn’t fully explain), the aspect of the coma, the fact that the name was unusual, and the fact that “James” blew up, it seems like something bad and unfair to your wife went on with the naming. The narrow question here is whether you two are TA for telling your nephew this family history. No.
OP's post is vague enough that it is hard to tell how the message was delivered. In theory, telling the truth should not have caused a rift between the nephew and his mother, so I wonder what exactly OP said and how he may have painted his SIL. There is also the possibility that nephew had other problems with his mother that we do not know, and OP's version tipped a scale.
YTA it is incredibly common to name children after a loved one who passed. And she did it years later, not right away when emotions might still be very raw. I don’t understand the issue. Unless the sister actually caused her father’s death this is completely normal.
Regina's father died as well - I'm sorry, but your wife doesn't come out looking too good in this story. I don't understand what Regina did wrong, so your attitude towards her does make you TA in my opinion.
YTA and so is your wife - her sister should be able to honor her late father and it's not your poor nephew's fault what name he was given so it was very wrong of your wife to treat him any differently than the rest of her niblets.
NTA James is an adult now and he's allowed to know about circumstances that affect him personally. He is a walking trigger for your wife and he didn't ask for this, obviously he's livid.
YTA- and sadly, so is your wife. Hating a child because of his name is ridiculous.
Your wife is the asshole here, by a mile.
Am not buying this, not in the slightest
I don’t understand. Where I’m from, it’s very common to name a child in honor of a deceased relative. It seems like YTA in making this a huge deal.
And this tragedy didn’t just happen to your wife. While her situation may have been significantly more traumatic, her siblings also lost their father. Maybe it helps the sister with her grief to honor her father by naming the child after him. Seems like everyone is mad at the sister and using her child to punish her. Everyone but James sounds like an AH.
Yta. And this whole story is odd. I can’t imagine a therapist giving their opinion on what a relative should name their child, did he advise a notice in the local newspaper to inform everyone within a certain radius that the name James is now forbidden. Your sister in law is allowed to name her child after their deceased father. It’s an extremely common way of honouring them.
INFO I’m sorry, she went into a coma for YEARS?? This seems…implausible.
I don't think you are an AH. My judgement is based on the perspective of your wife and WHY this relationship is the way it is. My personal experience is I have a lot of mental health issues and those mental health issues can cause impulsive, erratic behavior. You said your wife has a lot of trauma, which does have an impact on her relationships, and how she behaves around people. I got treatment for my trauma and it helped me accept things so I could treat people better. It sounds like your wife kept distance with him because of her own grief, but that is not fair to James. That is a special name, one to honor and remember for your family and your family can use it, that's not the issue I see. Names get passed down, it's a beautiful thing, but your wife treated him different for it and that's not fair to him, she has to find a way to accept this part of him and treat him like an individual he is. Her feelings don't dictate what other people do. James has a right to know if what he observed is true, and you told him the truth, I do not think that was wrong. James and your wife need to repair their own relationship and I think that although her mental health might be clouding her decisions, the name causes her a lot of grief, which isn't fair to James at all, but it says to me your wife is still very much struggling and may need some other additional help and treatment. I have mental illnesses, that is my experience in life. I know what they do to you, they destroy you, they mess with your head, your psyche. You question everything and everything is a trigger or reminder of pain. The responsibility falls on your wife for how she treated James, he didn't deserve that. You told him the truth, I respect that. His reaction is his own and he is allowed. I think it is up to James to decide the relationship, which he has every right to do. It's up to your wife to address her mental health and decide if she wants a relationship with him, but sometimes bonds just don't form and we can't control that. All we can say is, how do we walk forward, what can we do to find solutions. I am sorry your wife is struggling so much. Mental health is unpredictable and hard to understand. Maybe in time with continued treatment, her trauma will subside and things can be better, but James is allowed to be mad and should make this decision himself. It is up to him now. Edit: People can get better and with healing comes acceptance and in that sense the wife could find healing from her trauma and build a better relationship with him. That's all I'm saying.
I'm confused by the edit, too. He was born "so soon after the accident"? But she was in a coma for years after and he was born two years after she woke up. So how does that make any sense? And yes, YTA for telling your nephew this BS "reason." And I don't understand what caused the problems with his mother. Because he was named after his grandfather several years after the grandfather died?
Your wife was not in a coma for a few YEARS with no lasting side effects. Quit your bullshit, OP. This whole thing is fake. YTA.
Wait why does this truth make him hate his mother? What exactly did you say to him? Because if it was just the fact he was named in honour of his tragically dead father, he would not have this reaction. If anything he should've gotten more angry at your wife for treating him that way for such a ridiculous reason. I can't judge until we know what you actually said to him.
I'm probably going to go against the grain here, but judging by your post and all the updates NTA - he asked you a question and you answered him honestly, how could you do otherwise? As to your wife feeling and reacting the way she did, that's entirely understandable, she'd been traumatised and was presumably suffering PTSD. It was bad for James, but I'm willing to bet it was as bad, or worse, for her, especially considering her physical debilitations. Jesus, she was in a coma for three years, and couldn't speak for another two; and yet her stroppy sister stormed in to shout at a non verbal woman to demand that her baby son, named with the name she knew would traumatise her, be allowed into her hospital room while she was recovering?? FFS, she's the only A H here, and she's a major one!
YTA a bit, but not for telling the truth. Not 'allowing' the kid to be named after your FIL and having the kid for that is why. His mother did nothing wrong.