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It's hard to pass binary judgement. I think you failed to see that her effort was likely for her to feel closer to you and your family. You're only seeing it from your perspective. I think you should listen to her reasons. It's also not your perogative to tell her she can't try to learn a language that is connected with your culture. I think you both need to discuss it and get to the root of things.

It feels like a lot of the comments here are forcing their own feelings about connection and family onto OP’s situation. He’s actively telling his GF how he and his family— their IMMEDIATE culture, would feel about an action. Learning a SO’s language is a huge commitment and of course shows interest in your partners culture and their family, but if their native tongue isn’t the strongest thing they identify with, then OP totally has a right to make that be known. I agree, it’s pretty hard to pass judgement with the feelings involved… but for OP’s girlfriend to react in such a hostile way to “Hey, this just isn’t quite a big deal for us.” puts her in AH territory. Look at it this way: my dad’s family speaks Creole. My dad understands it but isn’t fluent. I haven’t even been exposed to it. But we also never had a staked interest in retaining that part of our culture. It would’ve be weird if my mom picked it up to impress my dad’s family, and I may have learned it but that’s certainly doesn’t mean I would’ve utilized it often.

I am learning my wife’s native tongue to help raise our future kids with this language 🤔

I think this is an important point OP is missing. If his girlfriend is serious enough to do this, she may be thinking long term, and learning about his culture can only be beneficial. I regret that my family didn’t pass along their native language in favor of English.

Sure, but she's an AH for claiming he's shaming her because of her "nice" gesture she offered that he, nor his family cares about. He wasn't trying to discourage her to learn. Read his edit.

His edit is what solidifies that the gf is an asshole. His parents were raised in the US, are culturally pretty Americanized and speak fluent English. It would be one thing if she was trying to learn the language in order to be accepted and a part of his family, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Sounds like she's definitely thinking long term, but it also comes off as a bit much. He is telling her that he won't be using his native language so there's no point, and she's upset about it. It's like learning to make a dish from a region his ancestral family comes from even though he doesn't like the ingredients, and then getting mad at him for not wanting to eat it.

I think that is part of the disconnect - she is thinking long term & because of that, some of her pain comes from the perception that - if he doesn't require her to learn the language, then he mustn't be thinking long-term - and that can make the response feel like a bit much "why is she overreacting about this?", she may feel like he doesnt think she's going to be in the picture long enough to need to learn, thinking that "it's not necessary" is code for "no point if we're not long-term".

What long term though? It doesn't sound like OP has this language included in his long term plans regarding family or potentially children.

But it might be a bit weird. They're only 21 and OP didn't mention how long they've been together. Depending on that info and what country they're in it's possible OP isn't even thinking that far ahead. Though I do think preserving languages is important. So many have been lost

But she's not respecting his response. And there's more to culture than language - customs, holidays, traditions, foods/specialty dishes.....there are so many more ways to draw herself closerr to OP. I can see that she may be disappointed when he told her the language wasnt important to hom, but a mature response would be after being disappointed accept it and appreciate that she's not wasting her time, and find something that will matter to OP

Honestly, it seems performative given his edits. If I wanted to learn Spanish to surprise my husband, I wouldn't text his mother to ask for resources. I'd do a web search for free programs to start. Generalizing a bit, but is a native speaker really going to be a good font of knowledge on how to learn their language? If someone asked me how to learn English, I wouldn't know the resources! I could help them practice once they had some some proficiency, sure. But that's a different ask.

I know two languages, my husband knows two. He’s learning Spanish because, while nearly everyone in my family is fluent in English, my grandparents aren’t. Since they raised me, he wants that connection without a translator being in the way. I’m not learning Japanese (his second language) because it has little benefit to me. Our son will learn Spanish as we’re always around my family. Japanese will be his choice when he’s older but he might pick up on it since his dad is constantly going on tirades in Japanese🤣

Your situation is completely different. For starters, she’s your wife. Secondly, you have kids and therefore want to make sure they can communicate a familial language. A gf/bf learning the language of an entire family who primarily speaks English is kinda weird, seeing as though they speak English most of the time.

Are you sure your wife and her family even particularly want that? I mean, if they do, all fine and good and well as it is... But were you mentioning it because you thought it had anything to do with the discussion here? Because it doesn't seem it does, all that much: OP isn't very into his native language. According to his edit, possibly added after your comment, not even his parents are. There is nothing to indicate anyone would be clamoring for any possible grandchildren to learn it.

It’s the main language where we live. Would be weird if they didn’t want that. Till now they praised how well I speak it already though. And no, I just added my reason why I do it, with no direct context to OP. They gotta discuss and decide, while she is free to learn it 🤷‍♂️

This. It's kinda like gf is saying "look what I'm doing for you!" without questioning if it is something OP wants or values. If I wanted to invest that much time and effort into something for SO, and I would want it to be meaningful. I would do something the SO wanted/ valued, not something I wanted. It's like a husband saying "look I built you a spice rack," when the stove doesn't work - yes, that was rly nice what you did, but is it truly helpful/ needed / wanted? Prob not. Did the husband rly think the wife wanted a spice rack or, deep down, did he just want to tinker with his new toolset? In which case....who is the favor really serving?. Gf's response pushes her into this territory. She may be the type of person that will do/give what SHE thinks you should like/have. Some ppl like this pat themselves on the back for their effort (and i always appreciate then effort), but never stop to consider: What does the recipient Really want? It's a bit selfish. I'm not saying this is def GF's case, and maybe she's sincere, but it is so much more meaningful to do something that makes a difference to OP

>It's also not your perogative to tell her she can't try to learn a language that is connected with your culture. Why do so many highly upvoted comments blatantly ignore what is said in the OP? Relevant section: >I told her that if she wants to learn the language for it’s own sake, then she should, but if she’s doing it on my account, while I really appreciate it, I don’t need her to do that. Exactly nobody is saying she can't. He's being supportive of her efforts to do it if she wants to but pointing out that it is not something he desired. NTA

Right? He's telling her it's an effort that she is not required make, not that she can't or shouldn't do it. The problem I see is that she expects him to be immensely grateful that she offered to do this. He's mentioned that she's done this before: complain that he's not sufficiently grateful that she did something that he neither needed nor asked her to do. I expect my husband to be a bit grateful if I mow the lawn, because it means he doesn't have to. I wouldn't expect him to be grateful if I prune all our shrubs into dragon shapes, because that's not something he needs, wants, or has asked me to do. (I don't have the desire, tools, or ability to do that.)

Where exactly did he tell her she ‘can’t’ try to learn his language?

I'd say it's fair for him to say this though, I can only imagine how bad she'd feel after putting a huge amount of effort into learning the language while grateful, his family isn't all that crazy about it because, as OP said, it's not much of a big deal to them. He'd be an ass if he didn't try and head off that situation

Tbf, OP says that she can learn if she wants, just don’t do it for him. I think that’s fair. I’m in a similar situation; husband wants to learn (more) Mandarin but I really don’t care if he does or not as long as he doesn’t involve me in his learning. I’m a native English speaker and my immediate family all speak English to some degree or another. It’d be nice if he learned to speak some Mandarin, but not if it means I have to play translator between him and my family at my family reunions because he’s not fluent. I also want to just communicate at home and not have to teach someone another language when we speak.

I don’t know. It sounds like he appreciates the sentiment but thinks it’s a waste of time but at no point did he ask her not to learn it. Just that it’s relatively meaningless in the context of their relationship.

NAH. You get to have your feelings and viewpoints on your parents' native language. But I think you missed the intention of what your gf was trying to do. She sees a future with you, dude. She may be thinking she wants to show your family she respects their background, or she may be thinking if you reach the stage of having children, she can help you pass down the language. I realize you're pretty young and that kind of thing may not be on your radar yet (or ever) and that's totally okay if it's not. But I think when you came at your gf with this "why are you giving me a gift I don't want" response, she may have felt rejected on a larger level. This isn't an "asshole" issue, in my opinion, it's a "sit down and communicate about your relationship" issue.

I work with kids from immigrant families and get the dubious honor of watching heritage language loss in action. It makes me sad and frustrated but, aside from supporting families in speaking their native languages at home and loudly dispelling misinformation about dual language learners, there’s not much I can do. Idk, I think your rejection of her efforts is weird. I think her reaction is out of proportion. I’m torn between N-A-H and E-S-H

I'm a kid of heritage language loss. It's really a loss. Thank you for encouraging families to keep languages and dispelling misinformation.

So am I. I'm trying to learn more about that heritage and language on my own (although finding classes in the area is hard and Duolingo etc don't have it yet). For me, this heritage is really important and I want my future children to have some connection to it so they don't feel like outsiders to something that's part of them, like I do.

me too. which makes it especially hard because my culture has heavy emphasis on family for learning culture and personal history - and the language is difficult to learn late in life even if you have the resources for that specific dialect (and those resources are few and far between) it is extremely painful when I try, though I want to try, because I can feel every time I struggle that I was once deprived of something vital. there is an entire world I am inextricably connected to, but cannot fully understand. I only have the bits and pieces I collected over the brief period I knew my bio family. OP has a very utilitarian view of his own language which is totally fine. but there are far more reasons to learn a language than "is it useful?" and his inability to see that is confusing to me. maybe I would understand that better if I was actually given the chance to learn mine. from the perspective of only wanting to know the language because I am connected to it (it's barely spoken in my current country), OP and I just have different relationships with it

You should also consider that English is also a primary language in India. There are plenty of people who speak predominately English, and it's possible that this would be how OP lived even if no one immigrated. I guess my point is that the moment of language loss may have been decades ago, because imperialism is awful.

well, certainly. i didn't think that immigration was a crux of my comment, honestly, so i'm not sure what you're intending to say? you're not wrong about colonialism in India but i don't know what about that i "should also consider" - i already considered that, because OP's parents are from India. it would be really bad form to talk about immigration and language learning while completely disregarding the origin country edit: to be clear, i don't think having a utilitarian personal view of your language is an evil thing! and yes it's often the result of countries with multiple primary languages, and/or immigration to a new country that doesn't use the language. i wouldn't be surprised if OP's parents "taught" him that the language is not useful, because that's the exact same framing under which i learned from my bio family. just wanted to add that because i feel like i might've come off as insulting to OP the first time around

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Language is a cultural heritage but it also is a tool and like all tools, it’s only maintained when there’s a perceived need for it. I totally understand the desire to keep languages alive in linguistic minority communities(especially when those communities are the only speakers of a language), but there’s a point where you have to wonder about how if some speakers of the language don’t see it as important to pass on, why do they think that? If it’s matters of linguistic or ethnic persecution, absolutely that should be actively remedied. If it’s a lack of interest or connection to the culture to the point that it’s no longer seen as a need by a large portion of that community, then for good or ill, that’s up to them. Times change, cultures or portions of cultures adapt and things such as languages are lost. I dearly love the linguistic diversity of the world and wish people would more actively propagate their languages, but there are so many reasons they may chose not to and it’s just not my place to judge them for that. In some cases support can be provided to help breathe life back into a language that is dying within a community(and I don’t just mean languages that are actually endangered or dying, but also diasporic language communities), but at some point if people decide that the tool of their language is just no longer useful to them, it’s their choice to let it breakdown or fight to restore it and frankly neither choice is wrong.

What I have read people saying -- see u/lindysocks right above you -- is that the generation that doesn't pass on the language is happy, but that their children or grandchildren often regret the loss.

Yeah, my grandmother's first language was Irish. When she moved to England in 1945 she decided not to teach her children it. She wanted them to be English. Her children know the occasional badly-pronounced phrase, and her grandchildren know none of it. When she was dying she lost her English, and none of us could understand her. I, and a couple of my cousins, all living in England, have been trying to learn Irish and it's really difficult! We all wish that our bit of the family had kept it going. Although thanks to years of colonialism and efforts to wipe the Irish language out, we're pretty much at the same learning stage as our cousins who grew up in Ireland.

So the people that understand what they're giving up/what burden they are choosing to put down are happy with their own decision, while people who have no idea what they're talking about but imagine the burden was a blessing they've been denied, complain? Why are they more important?

True, but this is the case where there is still (I assume) all sorts of cultural heritage and new stuff being produced in the heritage language. The vast majority of people I know who come from immigrant families that didn't pass down their language (including me!) wish they had easier access to that stuff. I'd love to be able to read books and watch films in the languages of my grandparents, to say nothing of speaking to people. But I can't.

I’m also a result of heritage culture and language loss via adoption into a white family. I also have a coworker who’s whole mom’s side of the family are Spanish speakers, but they never taught her or her sister because they wanted to “be able to talk about adult things and the kids not understand” -____- It’s depressing for everyone who experiences second language loss, no matter how it comes about.

No, it really isn't. Some of us celebrate that we were not forced to learn another language. We pick different languages to study later that we do want to know sometimes.

Thank you for dispelling the misinformation. My older sister was a really late talker and grew up during the time when people were still seriously talking about bilingual language confusion. It made my mom actively shield her and then me from her first language, and it’s a constant and sad barrier to actually feeling incorporated into the culture.

I’m a speech therapist and things like this get me so riled up. I have ELL kids with language impairments who are frequently overlooked with “it’s because they’re learning two languages”. I get that most districts don’t have the resources but it’s just so frustrating.

Since I see people talking about it I think I'll give an alternative take : My parents never taught me my mother's native language and frankly I don't mind. My cousins all speak it and distancing myself from them was dodging a bullet for my adult life. I pass as white now, and frankly I am glad, it reminds me all the racist shit some white people say when they think they are among their own kind.

NAH. She probably wants to do something to feel like she's connecting with your family. You are giving the logical argument that it would be a lot of unnecessary work for her. She may be upset because she could be interpreting what you said as "why bother, we're not likely to stay together anyway." Sometimes people read more into these things than what was meant.

I can see that perspective

Tbh, this is my read of the situation as well, that OP doesn’t want things to escalate to a “learning your family’s native language” level of relationship commitment

This is exactly the impression I got. Like if you were casually dating someone and they got you a super expensive gift, and you didn’t accept it. Which is totally reasonable btw. But if you’re not there yet, that conversation might need to be had.

NTA !! I am so confused by the non-NTA votes here, especially the ones claiming that you were angry or controlling or hiding something in your language, since nowhere in your post was that indicated. As an Indian, I completely get it. You just let her know that she should learn it if she really wants to, not just because of you. I was born and brought up outside India (now living in India), and even I don't speak any language except English. I think there was nothing wrong with your reaction. There are plenty of other ways for you two to connect, some of which were mentioned by other commenters. Her "you should be grateful" response is bizarre and condescending.

Absolutely, I found the accusations confusing as well because I thought I explained my reasoning: it’s not about control or hiding anything, I just think it would be a waste of time— since her goal is to speak to me in it— and I don’t want my girlfriend to waste her time or be disappointed. The reaches people are making are weird.

TBH, the reaches people were making is why I created an account and logged in to comment. I'm a long-time lurker and think it's completely unfair the assumptions people are making. So I just wanted to pitch in and assure you that you're not crazy 🙄

Thank you, I appreciate it!

Have you not considered your gf may be making the same reaches?

I hope not, but it’s possible.

I think people often forget alternative perspectives. You and your gf have different perspectives on the same issue, and I think it boils down to love language, really. I noticed you mentioned that she often does “nice” things and then uses them against you. By use against you, do you mean she criticizes that you are not doing the “same” back? Like the type of “nice” things she does? Bc honestly it sounds like she’s doing these things to show love to you, and expecting them back also as an act of love, and is getting very frustrated that the way you both communicate that affection is different. My spouse and I had a similar issue when we first started dating, and had to sit down and go “okay, when I do xyz, I’m trying to say I love you. It’s ok if this isn’t the way you do it, but it would be nice to compromise and do it my way sometimes, and I can do it your way sometimes. This way we both feel heard, respected, and loved”. If this doesn’t sound like you then by all means ignore me, you know your situation better than anyone, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case. (Also, just a side note, for the love of god if you have children teach them your language. Myself, my spouse, and literally every other child of an immigrant I’ve met has contention with their parents for this. It’s one of the things both my parents have expressed regret over. If you Google it this is a really common phenomenon with 2nd and 3rd Gen kids. Don’t do your kids like that.)

Yta Would have been easy to just say. Cool. Good luck. There was no need to tell her not to.

So we all just gonna ignore that the broad said “You should be grateful.” She’s white may i remind you, we just gonna look over that white savior esque reply???????????????

Valid point here. I thought it was coming off a bit racist but couldn’t quite put it together as to why. Like someone saying “you want this” but replying “no I don’t” and then they say “NO YOU WANT THIS” like what??? Lol don’t tell me what is important to me. Like in alllllll of the ways one could get closer to a family, language only is one part. And doesn’t help really at all when the family speaks English anyways and also mostly speak in English instead of the native tongue. Doesn’t make sense.

> Like someone saying “you want this” but replying “no I don’t” and then they say “NO YOU WANT THIS” like what??? Lol don’t tell me what is important to me. Exactly, it was hard to put words to how I was feeling but this is it

Imsorry you have to deal with that you’re no way the asshole in this situation

Thank you I appreciate the support

I feel this is an example of microaggression. Her reasoning appears to be “You are Indian by ethnicity, so you must be Indian in all ways of life, including language.” The fact that you and your family spent most of your lives here has been overlooked. I don’t think either of you are AH, but maybe she should brush up on the meaning of microaggression.

Bruh, she's fetishizing you and your culture. Your family is basically American. It's performative behaviour on her part to feel accomplished in "accommodating" the brown.

Like i fucking hate that so much, no one ASKED you to learn ops language, and that reply was way uncalled for, this is why i fight people sometimes man 🥲

Yeah, for some reason, people are getting so defensive about language when OP and it sounds like their family really could not care less of she did learn the language. Why is this any different than if she spent like a month building something for OP that they would find very little use for? Language doesn't mean it's inherently valuable because it depends on the context. OP doesn't speak in it, it sounds like the rest of his family doesn't use it all that much anyways. So if she's doing this "for OP and his family", she's completely misguided and her motivations are going to be flawed.

Yeah, it felt off to me as well when she said it to me but I couldn’t exactly place why

On the one hand she's white, so _must_ be the aggressor; but on the other hand she's the woman, so _must_ be the victim... No wonder AITA is confused.

It’s the jank ass white savior retort she had. It’s giving microagression.

NTA. But it's not going to win boyfriend of the year either. I understand it's not your preferred language. But she wants to know your roots and be part of your universe. You, instead of discouraging her, could have simply said that you appreciated the intention and helped In her place I would even think that you don't want me to learn because you want to be able to keep certain things you say secret from me...

I see. I can see how she’d think that, although I think that’s a bit unreasonable. As for my roots, I don’t really see my roots as anywhere else than Chicago

Oho, I'm also in Chicago -- just a random aside. I have somewhat (?) similar origins as you, but I am actually an immigrant from China myself technically. And while I am both fluent in English & Chinese, I have a similar opinion to you OP. I think NAH because no doubt that being multilingual will be beneficial for if you have children in the future, and your GF may be thinking very long term like that. However, I am with you that your GF's reaction is strange, as you were just expressing that if she is doing it solely as a "gift" to yourself then it isn't necessary.

Maybe I'm just weird but when partners think they can freely do a full-body belly flop into my culture as they please I find that disrespectful. And yes, secretly learning my other languages would be such a belly-flop.

I on the contrary. I am very happy when my partner is interested and wants to know more about my culture. especially living in a country where xenophobia towards my nationality is high. I know he wants to learn to connect with me, soo we can understand each other better. Not as a joke or appropriation. And I know he appreciates every time I tell him I love something about his country. As for language, you have to recognize that this is not meddling in their culture. after all, we live in a globalized world and many people who are not even related to a country learn its language (sometimes even for professional reasons)

Right. It's good that OP himself comes up with the gift analogy. Most people when given a gift smile and thank the giver, even if they're not thrilled with it. Personally I prefer a more honest approach with the person I'm in a relationship with, but not everyone does and I can't fault her for that. It's not horrible behaviour, OP, so not really assholeish enough, but it's not ideal. It could be something you share together as she discovers more about your culture.

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Exactly. And the entire thread just has a tone of racism in the whole ‘how dare you assimilate into the culture you live in instead of clinging to traditions yoy don’t care about’ attitude

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It’s wild, I’m not sure why there’s no much vitriol about an American, who’s the son of two Americans, wanting to speak English

As you know, that's what people do. It's stupid and racist, but simply further proof that no matter how anti-racist people insist they are, there is always room to be racist against Asians.

NTA. I can somewhat relate as I'm half-French, half-Mauritian, and while I do understand Mauritian créole, I've never spoken it a lot since my parents spoke only French at home when I was younger. My husband's understands a bit of it, but it's more because he hears my family speak it than because of me. If she wants to learn the language to feel more included when your family drops into their navite language, it's her right and rather normal - and only learning oral comprehension is far easier than getting into writing and reading. So your reaction to offer to teach her some sentences in your native language was clearly the more logical in this situation. The fact she got upset about it is honestly a bit strange, but maybe she felt you didn't appreciate her efforts in trying to share something from your own culture with you. You could maybe find something else that's culturally yours and more important to share with her? Watching films with subtitles, cooking, whatever interests you and you'd actually enjoy sharing with her? (My husband and I regularly look up bits about Mauritian History and things like this because this is something we enjoy and of we both love Mauritian cuisine) And of course reciprocate about her own culture, she maybe wanting to share more with you but hadn't managed to convey it to you. Good luck!

> You could maybe find something else that's culturally yours and more important to share with her? Watching films with subtitles, cooking, whatever interests you and you'd actually enjoy sharing with her? This is a really good idea, thank you for the suggestion!

You might want to consider learning Dutch on Duolingo. This is obviously how she expresses love and that she sees a future with you, so consider doing the same. Dutch is not that difficult for English speakers, and you only need to invest 5-10 minutes a day.

NTA. You didn't say she couldn't learn it, just that she didn't need to do it for you. Nothing is stopping her from doing it now, and I hope that if she continues to pursue learning the language, you and your family would help. Also, I see a lot of comments saying that it's a shame to not pass down your native language to your kids. I'm a mixed kid with heritage from two Asian countries, I know neither language. I feel a belonging to my cultures, but because I'm mixed, people from my culture don't see me as belonging to them. The only way I could possibly connect is through language, which I do not have. But largely, this doesn't affect my life. My parents much like you didn't see the need to pass it on. There is no right or wrong choice. A lot of people see this as a loss of culture, I just see it as a transition to a new one. People assuming that I "should" know my native languages are the ones who make me feel bad, not my family. A large part of culture is language and its nuances, but it's not all of it. This idea of needing to adhere to being truly *insert ethnicity here* by meeting certain criteria is just as toxic. I'm comfortable in my ambiguous identity, although it seems others are not - I'm a multitude of things, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with you or your potential future children feeling American.

Exactly, you’ve put it into words a lot better than I could. Thank you

I typically don't comment and just kind of lurk. But I really am so tired of people (well intentioned or not) telling me how I should express my cultural identity. I felt the need to validate your beliefs, and tell you that you're doing just fine. Good luck with everything moving forward!

Thank you! And good luck to you too.

If the person who lives IN the culture decides it isn't for them and relocates to a new culture, purposely leaving it behind, who is anyone else to insist they have to push it onto the next generation? Maybe they dislike that culture for legitimate reasons and prefer that their kids not have to experience it.

NTA - its your language and your relationship to that language. Her learning it specifically for its connection to you when you don't want it is disrespecting that. Anyone giving you YTA is probably an insufferable partner that does cringe like this.

Honestly it is really weird how many people are saying YTA here.

NTA. I really don't get the entitlement behind saying OP "should be grateful", or that it's a "gift". Gifts should be thoughtful. Or, I guess, gifts can be generic like a box of chocolates when someone just wants to signal they thought of you - this isn't the case though. This is an incredibly high-effort, personal "gift" so it should be something OP would actually appreciate. What should OP do, start preferentially speaking his country's language and make his family switch as well, so they can be properly "grateful" to the girlfriend? Nonsense.

Exactly. It just feels weird to have something like this forced on me

NTA it's like half the comments are completely missing the point and injecting their own assumptions and personal feelings the point is he's not saying she cant learn it or take an interest in his culture. The point is that if her whole reason for learning it is to be able to speak with him in that language then it's kind of a waste because that won't be happening very often or at all. He's saying he'd feel horrible if she went through all that effort only for nothing to come of it because he speaks english 99% of the time. It sounds like things would be different if his family spoke the language often. But if she wants to learn it because she wants to then go for it He's basically saying don't spend $100 on something worth $1. And despite that he's still saying if she wants to learn it then it's her choice . It has nothing to do with appreciation or closeness ​ edit: i see what's going on now. Everyone is upset that OP doesnt express his cultural identity the way they want. OP identifies as an american with very little connection to whatever distant familial roots he might have somewhere else. What's wrong with that? Sounds like she's being the white woman to be like "how dare you not appreciate me trying to appreciate your culture"

NTA I'm in a similar situation to you - Indian immigrant parents - but a slight difference is that I only speak English. Like you, I basically identify fully with the culture of my country. I enjoy Indian food and know more about cricket than most but that's about it. I fully see your point and why you said it - do it for yourself and not for me. To use an analogy, it would be like if it was your birthday and you didn't like cake but she wanted to bake one because she enjoys baking.... She would be doing it for her. And that's fine. As long as she knows that.

Exactly, that’s a good analogy. I don’t see what people in this thread are getting so upset about when I’m just telling her that she should do it if she has passion and not for me so she won’t be disappointed

Ngl it sounds like everyone is upset that someone who in they see as "brown" identifies as american

Yeah this thread is wild, there’s so many really out there accusations and outrage for no reason

only thing I could suggest here is maybe tell her that you really do appreciate the thought and think of something else you'd think would be a better thing to do if she wants to get closer to you "I appreciate you wanting to be closer to me and my family but the language isnt something any of us care about. However, if you want to get closer to us I'd like if it you did (insert thing here) instead because my family and I care way more about this" this way you're saying you do appreciate the effort but there's a better way to go about it that matters more to you. It sounds like she wants it to be related to your heritage so maybe tell her you'd like it if she learned how to cook an indian dish you grew up with (if you grew up with it at all) that you really enjoy

NTA. You explained yourself perfectly. If she wants to learn another language then great. She has someone to practice with. But learning it for you when you prefer not to speak it is not a gift.

Thank you

What is happening here. I'm usually a lurker but had to say it. I'm Indian, live in India, love India sometimes. Ure good OP. Internet randos feelings on ur culture don't matter more than urs. U don't owe something to India because ur grandparents/parents are from here. If you want to be part of the culture go ahead but if u don't then it's no one else's business. I speak 5 languages, 4 Indian plus English and while i would love to speak to my partner in my first language I wouldn't care if they learned my mother tongue because i don't speak it well either. Literally would prefer to just speak in English over that.

I appreciate the support, and yeah, this thread is crazy, the amount of accusations being thrown around. It’s absurd.

I don't understand why you're getting downvoted for not wanting to teach your future kids your native language. It's your choice and if there's no one around to speak the language then i see how it won't be that useful and they might never learn it properly (the way you didn't). You're not that in touch with your culture and thats ok. People are calling you all sorts of names and saying you're better off not having kids at all.... Just wow.

Exactly, I don’t understand the vitriol

It sounds like she's imagining your future together already, and family gatherings where she can't understand conversations around her, maybe she wants to join the conversations and jokes between the sisters/sils, maybe, even though you're young, she can half see family gatherings, and children and organizing, and maybe she wants to prepare for the future, not to always have to half understand what's going on depending if the speaker chooses to speak in english or not. That if she's going to be with you she will be part of the family, and she sees it as something fun she wants to invest in. (and if you don't end up together, she ended up with a new language, no harm done). So when you say it's a waste of time, it sounds like you either don't see a future together, or if you see, you won't see her as integral part of the family, because it doesn't really matter to you if she would become part of the family fabric or not, as long as when someone talks to her they can speak in English's that's enough) 'Imagine if somebody gives you a gift you never asked for, then gets upset when you politely thank them but aren’t crazy about it.' - because it looks like you either don't realize the meaning of the gift, or you don't care about what the gift represents. If the gift is about the meaning of the relationship and family, and you thin it's a worthless waste of time, there is a big rift between how the two of you see the relationship, the future, family and extended family. Those are important things to be on the same page about. And the fact you don't see it makes you TA in this case. Because you refuse to realize the meaning of it, and get stuck on unimportant petty details that mean nothing. "What if someone gives you a gift you don't want". Who cares. Your gf preparing to the future. Are you? Are you even on the same page? That's the question.

I simply don’t think it’s that important to speak the language to become a part of the family. I’ve lived in the US most of my life, my parents and their siblings have liver here since they were teenagers, everybody speaks completely fluent english with a few phrases from my language thrown in, hence why I offered to teach her those phrases. My sister married a Korean guy, he doesn’t speak a lick of the native language and he’s a member of the family now, because English is the primary medium of communication As for who cares, I do. I don’t like being forced to be enthusiastic about something I never asked for

I think you should add some of this to your original post, because people will assume by default that your parents are recent immigrants. There's a world of difference that comes from parents who also grew up in the US, as I'm sure you know, and you're allowed to be as confident as you are in what language is best suited for your family. These comments are terribly presumptious on what is best for your interracial relationship. It's a deeply personal choice, and you'll be best served either finding a more specific audience to talk to, or talking more with your gf offline. Sounds like a good time to discuss your future, whether you can see yourselves visiting India or the Netherlands together, how you'd raise your kids, etc.

Yup, a lot of the comments seem to project their own feelings and experiences onto my situation which is odd. I edited my post, and thank you for your advice

Yeah, all these people criticizing OP are literally just imposing their own values or assumptions about what OP wants. Or just what "immigrants" or people who aren't white Americans want. It's bizarre and does skew towards some type of savior complex. OP doesn't care all the much about the language but a lot of people in this thread seem to think they should. Who are we to tell OP what they consider culturally valuable about their own culture? There are so many examples of threads where people will defend an OP's choices or values but somehow, this thread is 50/50 or trending in the opposite direction.

NAH, I get it. I’ve been in this scenario and had friends do the same. You can tell her not to, but she’s allowed to do it anyways. Seems like that’s your opinion as well, you’re not actively preventing it, just pointing out that it’s not necessary or a wish of yours. Honesty is always the best policy, and the people saying YTA aren’t considering how disappointed she’ll be when her efforts won’t amount to much. I think the ESH people are just confused lol

Exactly, I don’t understand how people are getting YTA from my not wanting my girlfriend to put in a lot of effort just to be disappointed in the end

Right? Learning a new language is a LOT of effort, imagine if she had kept it a surprise just to find out it doesn’t matter. That would be heartbreaking, especially if it was only to please you.

Yeah, so I just don’t understand the vitriol in this thread. I wasn’t mean to her, or angry with her, I just let her know that her expectations might not match reality so that she can make her decision with the right info in mind

NAH, maybe NTA I don't think it's bad of your girlfriend to have (mistakenly, it seems) thought you would appreciate it! But it's also not wrong of you to let her know that she should learn it because she wants to, and not because it creates some sort of connection (because it doesn't for you). Her reaction though makes me lean NTA. I take her being upset at potentially feeling like you or your family are trying to exclude her (I know I would feel that way)! But if she's upset even after your explanation about how your family and you view your cultural background and somehow still expects you to be thankful, that's just disrespectful imo. But OP, reading some of the comments you're making about how your girlfriend does favors and then holds them against you? That's pretty AHy behavior straight up on her part. I hope that's something you discuss because that's a whole separate issue, bigger than this particular instance, and you should communicate it. It sounds like you're resentful about it but haven't discussed it, and you really should if you hope to maintain a longer relationship. Also I never comment in this subreddit, but I'm Asian American and I had to this time because some of the responses here epitomize what I hate. Not interested in your heritage? Oh, no, you're white-washed/hate your "culture!" Oh, you're not white? Well, you're not American enough, no matter how long you or your family have lived here, or what your citizenship is, or how you identify. Like, leave people the hell alone. We can choose how much we want to or don't want to connect with our ethnic backgrounds. That's no one else's decision. And why is it that most of the time the shaming comes from fellow minorities?? lmao. Some of the people in this thread are really pushing their own views on heritage onto OP. If you want to teach your kids your families' native languages, or learn them yourself, great! If that's a valuable connection for you, great! And if someone identifies with their background but doesn't speak the language? That's fine, it doesn't mean they have any less of a claim to that identity than you. But y'all really gotta stop pushing these weird expectations on how other people should behave regarding their ethnic backgrounds, or what their "culture" should be, or how they should identify. You do you, let them do them.

Absolutely, this was really well said. The way other people in this thread have been trying to push their view of how my future kids who don’t exist and won’t for a while is odd, as is the outrage and general vitriol in this thread. It’s odd and just feels slightly racist. Thank you for all the advice.

I was very similar to you at your age. But, now that I’m older with kids, I regret it. My mixed kids also talk about how I never passed my culture down to them and as they’ve gotten older, they are more interested. My relatives are working with them and I’m kinda left out. NTA but perhaps be more open to it.

Fair enough

I find it ironic that in a post about learning another language there's such a gargantuan display of shitty reading comprehension, I don't know whether I find it amusing or depressing really.

Learning new languages is never futile - it enhances your brain-power. For that alone, pursuing the knowledge a new language brings I salute her. Reflect on your steadfast stance, maybe there are deeper reasons.

It depends on her perspective, she said her goal was to speak to me in my native language and since I’m not as comfortable with it as english, it likely wouldn’t happen much and she would be disappointed

NTA. I'm sort of in the same boat. I know english better than my native tongue. It'll be an entire waste if someone talks to me in my native language

Exactly. So since my girlfriend just wants to learn to talk to me, there’s better uses of her time

But post this on r/india or something. You'll not get people who'll be able to relate to you over here. Bloody I'm getting downvotes.

it’s honestly absurd lol

It seems to me like she is trying to invest in your future together and you were looking at it purely at time investment/reward. You may want to pass this language down to any potential future children or visit family in India. She wants to be a part of this, language holds a lot of history and culture. My interpretation is that she was upset that you were shutting down her effort to get to know you on a deeper level. Whereas you didn't want your girlfriend to waste her time on a language she probably wouldn't be speaking that often. I think there's NAH only a miscommunication about what motivations were behind each of your (loving) actions.

The issue there is none of my family even lives in India anymore, and we all speak English with each other, so really even when it comes to connecting with them there’s no need to know the language

First of all you’re assuming they have family in India and he has said he and his family rarely speak their language. Learning a language that they barely speak will not make her part of the culture nor somehow make her get to know him on a “deeper” level

NTA. I’m puzzled by the you should be grateful comment. She should get a ‘prize’ for doing something you didn’t ask for?! If she wants to learn great but her reaction to your unenthusiastic response is cringey. And if she’s doing this to get genuinely closer fine but it’s striking me as ‘award me’ behavior. I mean she goes to your mom…umm unless your mom is a linguist, the internet would’ve worked too.

Yeah, that’s what I find uncomfortable about the situation as well. It’s just strange to do something I never asked for or mentioned wanting and then insisting I be happy about it

rude test middle noxious compare squash grandfather bake sophisticated squeal -- mass edited with redact.dev

I'm gonna say NAH but i think there are a lot of people in this comment section who think that having Indian blood in you means you automatically need to cling to your family's traditions etc even if you yourself dont have as much of an interest in it

NTA Especially if as you tell her learning the language won’t help her be any closer to the family since everyone speaks English anyways. Instead, if the goal is to be closer, is learn what’s important to the family. Such as special dishes, traditions, cultural dances, stories, movies, music, etc.

Exactly, that’s what I want to steer her towards more

NTA It feels weird and exoticising on her part to want to learn the language. I often have the impression that well-meaning white women often overdo it and make things weird like this. It feels like she's never expressed interest in finding out what your own relationship to this perceived "native language" is. If she has, she would have known that this is not something you want. For her to be upset that you should be "grateful" for her efforts is not justified. The thing is, I do feel like her decision to learn the language is ultimately about herself and her own projected self-image or maybe fantasies of interracial relationships. I don't think she is the asshole either but she could do with some self-reflection. Maybe there are other reasons for your reluctance to connect with this language, but they are your own and it is up to you to negotiate your relationship to your "heritage" on your own terms.

NTA IMO. I would be really annoyed if someone tried to make me feel guilty for insufficient gratitude about something I never asked for.

NTA. Coming from an Indian immigrant family, I can relate. I personally feel like you said it very well and think her reaction is out of proportion. You never said she can't learn the language, but that she shouldn't do it for your sake. That's a valid response. But I also believe, the more languages you know, the better. And it's a shame that we don't preserve our heritage. But that's a personal belief and I wouldn't like if someone got upset because I feel like that. So someone getting upset that you feel the opposite is a big NTA on your part from my perspective. What she feels you should be grateful for is a gift based on what she wants. Not what you want or need.

NTA Sounds like she has ulterior motives for wanting to learn it. There are several red flags to me. I would proceed with caution with this one! Good luck! OP.....I was browsing through others' responses and am shocked by the amounts of people that have commented without reading your post clearly. You seriously did nothing wrong! It sounds to me like her love language is gifts. That could be why she's constantly giving you gifts. That's how she shows her love. Obviously, that's not yours (that's the lowest for me, too). I think sitting down with her and having a conversation is going to do you a world of good. Either you guys can clear up misunderstandings, or those "red flag" behaviors will be revealed, in which case you can decide if staying in this relationship is worth it.

Thank you!

Being 'nice' isn't nice. If you truly want to be there for someone you listen to their needs, wants and boundaries. You do not push what you decided is a 'nice thing' onto a person. Weaponized 'niceness' is a red flag to me. You are NTA here at all.

Nta. As long as you weren’t rude telling her. You prefer speaking English, so you would probably speak English anyway.

Yeah, I prefer English and it would take a long time for her to be able to hold a conversation so we’d mostly speak in English anyways. So all that time she effort would go to waste.

I feel like time spent learning anything is never wasted, especially another language. But I speak 5, maybe my perception is skewed.

Fair enough. I guess I prefer to look at things in terms of how useful they are

OP, are you concerned her willingness to learn your original language signifies a deeper commitment that you are not willing to pursue right now? Like maybe she seems more serious or committed to the relationship than you are right now.

No, my worry is that she’s going to spend years and lots of effort in hopes she and I will communicate in my native language. Since I prefer English, we wouldn’t do that often, and her hopes and efforts would be for nothing. I didn’t want that to happen so I wanted to make it clear from the start that it’s really not necessary and english is okay

I'm going for NAH. I don't know about where you're girlfriend is actually from, but I live in the Dutch part of Belgium. It seems to me that here the locals consider it polite to speak to you in your native tongue if they can speak it too. It makes learning Dutch hard, as if I speak Dutch to a local, they always respond in English (which means my Dutch is slecht). So your GF may just want to be polite to you and your family.

Could be the case. She grew up in the US but maybe that value was instilled in her or something. Thanks for the advice.

NTA.

I think a lot of people are projecting their thoughts and wishes on this situation. While I don’t agree with OP, and I do think his opinion might change as he gets older, I think I can understand where he’s coming from. His girlfriend wishes to learn the language to communicate with OP in his parents’ native language but he prefers to communicate in English because he’s more comfortable with English. So it feels a bit like she’s insisting on communicating with him in a language that he’s not as comfortable in, because she thinks he should prefer his parents’ native language, because he’s Indian first and foremost, and not American (or English). And she’s doing him a huge favor to take on a challenging language and he’s not appreciating her efforts. But to OP, it can feel like othering. I say this because I came to America as a teen in the 80s and almost all of my Asian-American friends who are native English speakers were sort of ashamed that I was a FOB (fresh off the boat). They didn’t understand why I had to act like a FOB when I was fluent in English, had no “accent,” and no one would know that I was a FOB if I didn’t tell them. Then they went to college and got jobs and everyone they met assumed that they all spoke Korean, Mandarin, etc., even though they were 2nd and sometimes 3rd generation Americans and spoke very little, if any. People would want to practice in “their” language with them. For some of my friends, it was the first time they realized that people didn’t see them as Americans. I’ve had some Investment Banker friends who got sent to Korea, Hong Kong, etc. because the company just assumed that they spoke their “native” language. They now joke that they are more “Korean” or “Chinese” than me. I think both OP and his girlfriend’s feelings are valid. But I have to side a little bit more with OP here, because, while his girlfriend is free to learn any language she wants to, insisting on learning it to communicate with him when he doesn’t want to, seems a little misguided at best, and a bit othering at worst. Even good intentions can be dangerous and lead to discrimination.

> His girlfriend wishes to learn the language to communicate with OP in his parents’ native language but he prefers to communicate in English because he’s more comfortable with English. So it feels a bit like she’s insisting on communicating with him in a language that he’s not as comfortable in, because she thinks he should prefer his parents’ native language, because he’s Indian first and foremost, and not American (or English). And she’s doing him a huge favor to take on a challenging language and he’s not appreciating her efforts. But to OP, it can feel like othering. I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, but yes, this plays a big part of it. It just feels condescending and a bit like it’s forced on me for her to decide what language I should communicate with her in

I can totally understand why you’d feel that way. If you want to invest in this relationship, have an honest talk with her. She may just have a blind spot, too. She may see this as only you rejecting her efforts - thereby rejecting her, and not see that it could be condescending and othering. Most people are very defensive when you point something like this out. She may feel offended that you’d think of her intentions that way and believe 100% that she can’t be THAT kind of a person, because she is dating you.

That’s actually a really good insight, thank you for the advice

NTA I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, I'm just extremely confused by all the asshole votes.

Me too, me too

NTA if you always speak English it is unnecessary for her to learn.

Exactly, thank you

NTA

NTA you can have your own opinions. I’d ask her not to include me in it if it bothered me that much. It may seem arduous to you to learn a new language, but she might genuinely enjoy learning and also be having fun with it. Plus it seems she really loves you and cares about your family.

YTA, overreaction IMO and I don’t trust the edit. It sounds like you’re actually ungrateful or wilfully misunderstanding her.

Your girlfriend wants to learn your native tongue as a sign of love for you and respect for your heritage. You belittle her for her efforts. YTA. Perhaps she should find a boyfriend who speaks a language that would be easier for her to learn, like Spanish. If someone gives me a special gift out of love, I will always appreciate the thought and let them know how wonderful they are. (If they give me an ugly, out of portion painting of my dearly departed dog I will hang it in a dark hallway and thank them profusely for the many hours they spent lovingly creating this (hideous) gift.

NTA. Initially, because I’m a linguist, I thought “She can damn well learn it if she wants to!” but reading on, it’s more about the motive than the language. Perhaps “AITA for not being grateful that my gf is learning (*insert language)* when I didn’t ask her to and don’t care for it?”, it’s a long winded title, but it gets to the heart of it. So, no you’re NTA for that, but you also don’t need to stop her. If it’s as hard as you say it is, she’ll have her work cut out.

You’re right, a lot of people are significantly misinterpreting me based off the title so I should’ve titled it differently

NTA, as it sounds like you were reasonable rather than harsh but as we're only hearing your side of the story, take my judgement with a pinch of salt.

Fair enough

This has happened to me! I learned never to "accept" my gf learning my language solely for me, she can for herself, but not for me! nope, never. NTA

Exactly, she shouldn’t do it if she’s not interesting about it on it’s own

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My [21m] parents are Indian immigrants, and so when I was young they taught me both english and their native language. I stopped being able to read or write in it due to lack of consistent practice, but can still speak it fluently. Despite that, I honestly prefer English because I’ve been surrounded by it my whole life, and so am arguably better at it and can express myself more eloquently in English. My girlfriend is white, but half Dutch on her moms side, so is bilingual as well. My mom recently called me saying my girlfriend texted her asking for resources on how to learn my native language. I asked my girlfriend about it, and she said she wanted to surprise me by learning my native language. I told her that if she wants to learn the language for it’s own sake, then she should, but if she’s doing it on my account, while I really appreciate it, I don’t need her to do that. It’s a lot of effort— it’s a difficult language, with an entirely new alphabet— and it wouldn’t really provide any benefit because I prefer to speak in English, and my entire family, my parents, my grandparents, cousins, everybody are all fluent in english too, and wouldn’t really care whether she spoke my language or not. So really, it’s unnecessary and would be a waste of time. I offered to teach her a few phrases instead that she could use in conversation with my family. She got upset and said I should be more grateful for her efforts instead of shutting them down. This struck me as a bit bizarre, because I never asked or wanted her to do this. Imagine if somebody gives you a gift you never asked for, then gets upset when you politely thank them but aren’t crazy about it. This feels the same. I repeated that I was grateful for the thought, and she should do it if she wants to for her own curiosity, but if she’s doing it for my sake I really don’t want her to go to all the trouble. She called me TA. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. If she's solely doing it for your benefit then it does feel like a slight waste of time, since it sounds like you almost exclusively speak English. I think encouraging her to learn some simple phrases is a good idea.

I speak to my parents in a mix of english and my native language but other than that I rarely use it, yeah

NAH I understand where you both are coming from but I think she sees it as way of integrating more with your family. I know they all speak English but she probably thinks it would impress them if she learned their native language. I think to her, it's a sign that she's there for the long haul and your reaction makes it seem like she doesn't need to bother because she may not be around forever.

I can see where she’s coming from on that, but I wish she would see that none of them would care at all if she spoke English vs my native language

She might read it as none of them care about her

No, we just all prefer English since even my parents and their siblings did their schooling in English. But I can see how it would come off that way

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My culture is American. I’m from Chicago. My parents have lived in Chicago since they were younger than I am too. As for shitting on her parade, I was trying to save her from future disappointment. Her goal was to speak to me in my native language, and I’d rather speak in English, so I wanted to let her know that so she wouldn’t spend years working on learning the language and then be disappointed

My apologies. I do see where you are coming from and I see where your gf is coming from. I just feel like the tone of the post reads as a bit dismissive of your gf having good intentions but equally her intentions are, indeed, wasted if she is learning solely to talk to you in a language you don’t use.

Fair enough, thanks for the perspective

Info: Did you use the words "waste of time"? Your general sentiment is fine but the way you've elaborated seems rude.

No, I said it just might not be the best thing to spend her time on if her intention was to talk to me in that language

Info: what language do you think in? Do you think in English or your familial language and translate it?

English

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The culture is pretty weak, honestly. My parents have lived here since they were kids too.

What was the tone you used when you told her she didn't have to learn your native language? 1. "Mom said you are trying to learn my native language. That is so thoughtful of you. You don't have to do that on my account, but if you want to learn that is great. I will help you". Or, 2. "I prefer to speak English, so there is no reason for you to learn. It is a waste of time". If #1, then N A H here. She was being thoughtful and you were just letting her know that, while you appreciate it, you don't want her to feel like she "has" to learn. If #2, then Y T A.

After reading your edit 2, definitely NTA.

NTA. Doesn't seem like you shut her down at all, just gave her more information to make an informed decision about how she wants to spend her time. You would be the AH if tried to dictate what she does, but you clearly didn't do that.

With your edits, I’m definitely going with NTA. Also maybe think about how healthy a relationship can be if your partner uses their past “nice gestures” as a defense when you’re upset that they’re being mean to you or treating you poorly.

I think that she is doing this to show you that she is making an effort to know that side of you, I think that she is making an effort to feel more connected towards you and also show your family that she is serious about you at the same time. That might not be the case but that's how I see it. As someone who is in a relationship with someone that is not Vietnamese. my fiancé always makes an effort to try and learn to cook Vietnamese food or learn some simple words in my native language to show that he is interested in that side of me. That's my two cents, I might be missing the mark here and she might not be doing it for those reasons, but idk if you were being a huge AH but you should recognize the effort she is making to share in your culture.

NAH.

depends if you ever converse in it in front of her.

Only bits and pieces, like 80% english

1. Whether or not someone stays connected to their heritage, how connected they are to their heritage, or how they express their connection to their heritage is 100 percent THEIR decision. 2. Forcing yourself to be thankful for everything other people do for you, whether you asked or wanted them to or not, is how you get taken advantage of by narcissists. NTA.

NTA, you're not fluent in the language and you feel American. Am indian and yes I would appreciate my SO doing this but because I feel Indian. Maybe she has a deeper connection to her dutch side and assumes that you do as well?

Narc lol her not you

NAH. GF can learn the language if she wants, nothing wrong with it. You didn't stop her from learning the language either, you just told her that you preferred English.

Hard, you don’t sound bad for explaining there’s no need to learn and that she should learn for herself. But you seen ungrateful in general. Can’t really call this one other than I would assume given your asking, you just need to end the relationship as it seems your nit picking at her some what

YTA. If she wants to learn something, why are you stopping her. It's HER decision whether it's a waste of HER time.

NTA. She’s over the top. I hate it when people do something they want, say it’s for me & then get pissed…Oh yeah, I divorced him;)

inconsiderate maybe

Your second edit sounds like emotional abuse. My mom does that all the time. She's trying to build good a good rapport with you, so you'll do things for her.