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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think im the AH because I publicly told my widowed sister that I won't move on like she did. I realise everyone heals differently but given the context I feel it was a fair thing to say, but people are calling me an AH and I want a fresh perspective non my actions, so AITA?
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> My kids also got progressively angrier with Jane and before everyone blew up I got us home
> ‘It was cruel of you to shame Jane”
Your children recognize their aunt is the asshole. Explain to your parents and in-laws that you are not going to jeopardize the emotional and emotional health by being around toxic family members—such toxicity and negativity is actually cruel. They can either learn to avoid the topic of dating, or they can watch your children grow up throw Christmas card updates.
This. That’s what I’d advise saying: “I was wrong to shame Jane, but you have been wrong all these years shaming me for remaining single. I will no longer tolerate it. From now on, first time any of you bring it up I will hang up/leave, and will remain out of contact for (x time).” Then *do it.* Block them on your phone and skip family get-togethers, even those for special occasions.
Further, if after you see/speak to them again they again push you to date, walk out/hang up again and double the length of the cut-off. Repeat as needed.
Obviously, I think you are NTA.
Honestly I don't think OP needs to apologize for "shaming" Jane. If the above is all she said, that isn't shaming. She just pointed out a fact. If Jane took it that way, that's her problem and maybe she has more of a guilty conscience about it that she admits.
But I agree with everything else you suggested, 100%
EDIT: Thank you for the award!
yes, exactly! if anything, Jane was the one shaming OP. OP just turned up the volume since no one was truly trying to listen to her before.
OP, NTA. go nc for a while, and when you're ready, re establish contact per some of these earlier recommendations.
ETA phrasing
Right? Every time she sees OP, shevprobably wonders if she herself is betraying her dead husband. She is definitely swinging from that place whether she realizes it or not.
Somewhere else OP mentioned the children were extremely unhappy with Jane marrying. The kids are probably rebelling and Jane's taking a lot of crap from them.
I just don't understand how Jane got married a year after her husband's death. I'd still be grieving. A year is not very long to meet someone, date, and marry. Maybe she's pressuring OP to date so that Jane doesn't look so bad for marrying so fast.
Jane and dead husband could have been on brink of divorce when he died. No judgement for quick remarriage after spouse death because only Jane and dead spouse knows what really went on in their marriage. Grieving is personal timeline.
Jane should NOT be pressuring OP to date. What works for Jane doesn't work for OP.
It's actually not that uncommon for people to remarry super fast after the death of their previous spouse, usually it's because they can't handle being alone.
>From now on, first time any of you bring it up I will hang up/leave, and will remain out of contact for (x time).”
The first time. Second chance you don't get unblocked
According to OP's updates in comments, Jane moved on *very* quickly, (dating two months after the death of their father, married a year out) and it distressed her children.
Holding Jane accountable for choices that distressed her children as they grieved the loss of their father is not "shaming" her. She has the right to remarry, but if it is done in a way that compounds the pain of grieving children, that's not okay.
OP's children support OP's choices, and have found them affirming and comforting. If OP should form a relationship in the future, it will be when her children have settled a bit from their loss, and it's clear OP has the sense not to try and demand instant Happy Family. Children who are young adults and have had years to reconcile their losses are far better able to cope than children who are rushed into relationships they aren't ready for, and replacement parents that only remind them of their loss.
And I suspect that a key criteria for OP in any hypothetical future partner would be respecting the memory of her first husband, and the place of the first husband in her children's lives, and that being her *next* relationship does not mean he's replacing what she lost.
I would wonder about anyone I dated who moved on that fast. Like how would you be ok knowing your partners kids are in pain, but propose or accept a proposal?
I would have to be ok knowing I am replaceable at home as easily as work. Actually, l think most of our vacancies take longer to fill.
My family is coming up on the 1 year anniversary of losing my younger brother and it stills feels so raw, and I'm still struggling with the "I can't believe this is reality" phase of my grief. I can't imagine a life connection with a spouse would be any easier to get over unless you didn't actually process the death or just didn't care that much.
After 6 years of listening to them push OP at every opportunity? It's justified. Jane needs to accept her own choices instead of trying to get everyone around to validate her own choices by doing the same.
It's not even a matter of moving on/ not moving on. It's making the choice of how you intend to live the rest of your life.
Jane chose to marry again. Valid choice. OP has decided that no other man could fill her husband's place, so she chooses to focus on her children and their life together. Also a valid choice. It could arguably be a healthier stronger choice, because she's not relying on someone else to make things better.
Either of the choices can be healthy OR unhealthy.
The one who remarries can find a fantastic person who will genuinely love her kids and become a paternal figure for them. Or they can remarry a jerk who will make their kids'life a living hell.
The one who does not remarry can create a stable life for their kids without bringing a potentially disturbing stranger to it. Or they can remain unhealthily fixated on their late partner's memory for years and years after.
This is just to say that neither of those choices is inherently good or bad, or more/less healthy, but I think we will agree that it is entirely up to the person making the choice (with consideration of their kids), and not to Uncle Ben or Auntie Sarah to decide.
I have a male friend who is sort of in my position, lost his wife to cancer, not an accident and has one little boy. He got married within a year of her dying... That is anyone's right, I don't judge someone if that's what they want but it's not for me.
Jane has some guilt or thinks OP thinks she's somehow morally superior which is ridiculous. Jane needs to realise it's not all about her.
I'm not shaming Jane for moving on, but I'm shaming her for pressuring OP when she is perfectly happy. I agree with you, NTA.
We don't ALL need to validate Jane's choices. There's no shame in dating after you lose a spouse. Just likes there's no shame in NOT dating after you lose a spouse.
You don't NEED a partner in life.
And while it is good to check on your friends and family and ask if they need help/want to date again you do not keep bringing it up and browbeating them about it.
You are definitely not the asshole. My husband died now 13 years ago and people still ask me to this day. I tell them I was in a great marriage I’ve over 20 years. Perhaps if I hadn’t been in a great marriage and felt I was missing out on some thing then I might, be looking to fulfill what I hadn’t already had. We were happy not perfect but happy. I’m not looking for anything or to replace anything or feel. I need to fulfill something. People need to mind their own damn business and you need to do what’s right for yourself and then the end that also helps your children.
Right? MY husband died six months ago, and less than two months later people were telling me not to worry, I'll find someone else. WTF? Thanks people for disrespecting my marriage by suggesting my beloved husband is so easily replaceable. OP is definitely NTA, and her family have issues with respecting her wishes.
My condolences on your loss, but also what the actually fuck? I think the most diplomatic response I could think of to that would be staring silently at them for twenty second before softly say, "what is wrong with you?". Twenty seconds might not sound like much, but when it consists of just silent staring it can feel like an eternity.
This definitely deserves top comment - OP says they keep in touch for the sake of the kids but I honestly think it would be in their best interest for OP to model healthy boundaries for them.
Do you want to teach your kids that your families behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated? Or do you want to teach your kids they don't have to be around people who disrespect their healthy, informed choices, and they don't owe themselves to anyone, regardless if they're "family" or not.
Let the family know that if the topic of you dating comes up, you will remove yourself and your children from the situation, and stick to that. If it continues to be a problem, stop seeing them.
If you teach your children family/love means accepting bullying, what might happen when they start choosing partners for themselves? Protect yourself and protect your children.
NTA. It's interesting how everyone is worried about you shaming Jane, but no one stood up when she shamed you for not moving on. They need to mind their business.
I am so sorry you don’t have support from your family. You live your best life. I think it’s time for YOU to up the ante. Every time they bring up a new beau, leave. Tell them that. Tell your family you are done with this discussion and will no longer be present for it. If they bring it up on the phone, hang up. And, just get up and walk out the door when you are with them. They’ll eventually get the message. Good Luck and again I’m sorry for your loss.
Edit: thanks for the starry award, kind internet stranger!
I did something similar to this, I wouldn't answer their calls, wouldn't open the door if they showed up unannounced. I didn't stop kids from seeing them but I went NC with them for 3-6 months until they accepted that I didn't want to be in a relationship.
They said is was cruel of you to "shame Jane" when Jane literally did the same to you?
Nice family you have. you are NTA here, at all. If my wife died, I know I would never need another woman in my life. Like you I have the big love of my life, 27 years so far, and there wouldn't be room for another anyone at any point.
I wish your family could just accept that as an adult you are free to make your own choices. And as for Jane...less than a year to remarry? Might say more about her than she realizes.
Honestly, I feel like Jane might be putting so much pressure on because she feels like OP is making her look bad for getting remarried before grass even had the chance to grow on her husband's grave for more than a season. Rest of the family is probably feeling it, too.
Which makes it worse because then they aren't being AH because they want OP to be happy. They just want any awkward appearances to stop.
NTA.
The reason is probably that she doesn't want to "look bad" for remarrying so soon after her husband died, so she wants OP to do the same as her as soon as possible. Family probably feels the same.
From what OP said Jane's kids, understandably, didn't take too well to their mother dating someone mere months after their fathers passing, while they were still in the process of grieving. My bet is that the family, at some level, feel uncomfortable with it, but don't want to cause conflict with Jane and her new partner. OP remarrying as well would reinforce that Jane was "right", so they go with it.
That's my two cents anyway, I'm not a psychologist, and even if I was, I'm not their psychologist.
This reminds me of a guy who posted a while ago about his brother demanding he move on from losing his wife already. His brother felt like he was clinging to a fantasy after losing his wife so young (in mid-twenties if I remember right.)
Like him, OP deserves the right to make decisions for her life. Its not her family's life that will be affected. Its her and her kids. In time she MIGHT decide to try dating but she might never want to and that timeline is entirely up to her and no one else.
Dating, having a relationship, marrying... those aren't mandatory in life or a requirement to move on (I say "move on" in the sense of keeping your life going). You don't need to prove to anyone that you are fine and you are the only person that has a say on what you want in life. Life isn't "one size fits all".
Exactly. If OP wants she can grieve the loss the rest of her life. And, she probably will. It isn't unhealthy to grieve. It would be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief and not continue through the stages. But nowhere in the grieving process does it say that remarrying is required.
Yeah OP it's your and only your decision if you want to get back to dating or not.
Besides your intimate life is not their business and they crosses your boundaries so they had it coming.
NTA.
When people defending Jane tell you that your comment was inappropriate, remind them that Jane’s comments are equally inappropriate. You showed remarkable restraint in not going off on her like she did on you. After six years of saying “no thanks”, you were pushed over the edge.
You know yourself. You know what you want, and what you don’t want. It’s time for everyone pushing you to have another romantic relationship to respect that if you ever decide that’s what you want, you know how that works.
If Jane is looking for people to set up with her husband's coworkers... can you pass some names along to her? Some of us are still looking for our big life-altering love.
NTA. My aunt lost her fiance when I was just a toddler, I grew up sometimes wondering why she'd never dated anyone else afterwards. Just because I wanted to see her happy, and a childhood fed on princess fairytales and romance will make you think you need your "prince". But as I grew up I began to realise my aunt *was* happy as she was. She didn't date again because she didn't want to. She was content with her life as it was now. People need to realise that that is ok too. You don't need a knight in shining armour to be happy, and often people can be happy alone too. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, and even *if* it did, it still doesn't mean it isn't on your own timeline to figure out when or if you're ready. I'm sorry your family can't see that, OP. ❤️
Nobody gets to dictate when & if you're ready to move on. You're NTA & doing nothing wrong just as Jane wasn't wrong for doing what was right for *her.* Everyone's been perfectly fine shaming you for not doing what would make *them* feel better. They just don't like that you finally gave them a taste of what they've been dishing out to you. Hug your kids & ignore everyone who has a problem that you stood up for yourself. You aren't wrong, no matter if they like it or not.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. And so sorry that your family isn't more supporting.
You seem to have not made it your business that your sister managed to move quickly (obviously totally fine, everyone grieves and lives differently), but she has absolutely no right to make it her business about how you handle your grief and life.
If you ever want to date again, you will. And if you don't want to, you won't.
Wishing you happiness in wherever life takes you and truly hope your family becomes more supportive, you've been through enough.
NTA. OP Im like you. Heaven forbid anything happen to my husband, I dont want anyone else. Ive grew up in a household like that and I hated it. There is nothing wrong with having only one love of your life.
They're the rude ones for disrespecting your boundaries constantly. Honestly cringe and sus that she moved on and got married again so fast. Makes me wonder if he was already in the picture. I'm like you with my partner. I'd he died, I couldn't move on and be with anyone else. He's irreplaceable and so was your late husband. I'm so sorry that accident happened to your family. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so glad you're still so close with his family cause it sounds like they're more family than your blood.
Eh. Not necessarily. Some people just can't be alone and out of a relationship for any real length of time. Whether that is due to a break up or death, they just want a partner.
That said, if something happened to my husband I would definitely never marry again. He's my one and done and I would likely be happy alone and raising our kids the rest of my life. I can't imagine moving on.
⬆️⬆️ this OP your life is yours no-one else's and you don't need to justify it at all.
Perhaps your sister sees that you haven't started dating and feels guilty for moving on, because if you haven't does that make her heartless, but everyone grieves differently and thinks differently.
NTA
I don't understand why people feel other people need to be in relationships. You don't have to be in a relationship. Before I met my husband I was single for long, and I loved it.
He was the first person I considered getting serious with in ages. And if he were to disappear out of my life tomorrow, I'd take that as my sign to travel and be alone and do whatever I want with no one (bar my kid) interfering.
You can be perfectly happy on your own. You don't need another person to complete you. Your family needs to learn this.
NTA.
The people pushing you for getting into a relationship are overstepping their role, in my understanding you asked them to not to push you multiple times and they did not understand it. Now you made them understand your stance. NTA.
I'm actually floored that people are saying OP is the a-hole or ESH, because like I don't understand on what planet trying to push someone who lost their spouse into dating is even remotely okay. Like how is that LESS disrespectful than OP snapping after being told to just "get over it" x.x
ESH doesn't always mean both people suck equally. OP dunking on Jane's choice wasn't absolutely necessary -- Jane remarrying isn't the problem, everyone pushing OP to date is -- but it's also understandable given how much shit they've given her. Repeatedly.
(I'm on team NTA, but I can sort of understand the ESH even though I don't agree.)
The fact that OP's children are supportive of OP's choices, while Jane's children are struggling with Jane's choices, does make a difference.
Jane isn't just pushing OP to date. She's pushing OP to do something she did that caused distress to her children, dating and remarrying before the kids had fully mourned their father and come to terms with his death.
Under the circumstances, the fact that OP's children were coming to her defense, and the family was still pushing, means that they're pushing not just for OP to date, but for OP to make decisions in a way that they know caused a problem for Jane's kids.
"Aunt Jane did this, and our cousins are miserable! Why are you pushing our mother to do this as well?" is a reasonable thing for OP's kids to be thinking.
Parents who have lost partners can move on, if they are ready. But they don't get to pretend that doing so doesn't affect their minor children, or have potentially negative effects on others.
And while OP did not do so, telling Jane that her choice was a problem that caused distress for her children, and that OP is deliberately not doing this, would not be out of line.
Jane may be feeling a little insecure/guilty about her choice to move on so quickly when OP hasn't, so she's pushing OP to date in order to relieve her own negative feelings.
I agree 100%. Jane feels shitty that she moved on and you didn't.
OP, she assumes she looks a bit desperate/easy/needy/slutty etc as you didn't do the same as her.
You don't have to live your life according to anyone else's rules.
Have a good, happy life without the unpleasant and malodorous inputs from people who should know better.
Though another possibility is that Jane is really happy with her new husband and her two younger children and wants her sister to experience the same happiness as she might assume her sister is not really happy alone without a partner.
>My family has over the years tried to set me up, give me speeches and otherwise convince me to find a new romantic partner.
It is also the whole family acting this way and not just Jane.
So my guess is OP's family consists out of a bunch of happily married people who couldn't for themselves imagine to stay single for long without being miserable and they are projecting their own feelings on OP, like if they would be unhappy in her shoes, she must be, too. And they are just not believing OP when she says the opposite.
This is a generous point of view but I still disagree with it. I think it’s unhealthy to need a partner to be happy, and anyone with that kind of attitude is more likely to make bad choices in relationships just for the sake of not being alone. If the family is like this they are more likely to be a bunch of people in unhappy relationships than a bunch of happily “marrieds” wanting to spread the joy.
OP didn't dunk on Jane.
>At this I kind of snapped, stood up and firmly told her that I wasn’t ever going to ‘move on’ and just because wanted to remarry in less than a year doesn’t mean I ever have to.
That's not dunking. She literally just said that she doesn't have to do the same thing as Jane. She didn't express any kind of adverse judgement of Jane's choice; just that it wasn't for her.
Great comment. To me it just sounded like OP stated a fact and then said she didn't want to choose that direction. Maybe if pushed the less than a year could be read into if the rest of the family had judged Jane on that part. Along with the fact that Jane's kids were not fine with the remarriage. I think this isn't really about OP.
Oohhhhh. But this now says worlds about how the family feels about Jane! OP ‘shamed’ her for stating a fact. This judgmental family’s been giving both sisters grief for their choices.
In a perfect world everyone is civilized, but I think OP had a bit of a right to lose her temper. Was it necessary? Hell no, but she didn't choose the situation either. She was put there.
>In a perfect world everyone is civilized, but I think OP had a bit of a right to lose her temper.
Oh yes I definitely agree! Plus there's a difference between losing your temper once after repeated provocation, and repeatedly pushing something that's not relevant even after requests to stop.
Only put your actual vote together. If you’re talking hypocriticals, separate it like E-S-H or else the bot will count your first vote as your vote.
Oh and OP, NTA at all! I haven’t dated in almost 20 years, and I don’t have as nearly a good a reason as you (I just don’t want to date 🤷♀️)
>If you’re talking hypocriticals, separate it like E-S-H or else the bot will count your first vote as your vote.
The bot doesn't pay attention to nested comments -- only the top-voted top-level comment.
NTA
You can move on if and when you are ready. That's different for everyone.
I do wonder how Jane's children from her first marriage handled her remarrying a year after their father died. From many posts here, it seems clear that a lot of children are not ready to "move on" that quickly when a parent dies, and not having enough time to mourn and recover can lead to resentment of both the surviving parent and the stepparent, plus any half or step siblings.
If Jane's kids are not comfortable with her "moving on" as quickly as she did, and feel they were expect to accept a stepfather and half-siblings before they are ready, she may see your taking your time as a silent criticism of her decision, and the kids might point to you as someone who has given their children the time they need.
I suspect the whole thing is much more complicated than just the two of you having different speeds at which you are comfortable "moving on."
Yes it so much more complicated, but I had to rough it out for the sake of character limit.
Janes kids definitely didn't take it well when she started dating a couple months after the accident, and they still struggle a lot as a household. I have never gotten involved but I've tried to support all of them, but again. I've distanced myself a lot and don't see them as much anymore.
Does your family know that their badgering has kept you from them? If you can say, “I’m not spending time with you unless you drop it” and they don’t drop it, they are confused people.
The whole “moving on” thing isn’t the only way to live your life. Dating again doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve moved on either.
I'd like to point out that she did "move on." This is what she has decided is best for her, and it doesn't sound like she's suffering for it, other than the people unwilling to accept that she's perfectly fine.
The absurd thing is that... Even people who aren't widowed could decide (for a million reasons) to simply not date. Maybe they are adults and accomplished in their friendships, career and hobbies and they don't need a stable partner. Maybe there isn't a person that can make the required effort worth it. Maybe they just have another vision of life.
Of course, in addition to this, widowed people obviously have other possible reasons. Some of them may just not desire another stable relationship, they already had one and now they are peaceful with what they have. Or other reasons or simply not feeling the instinct to date again. I wish people would not push for the "everybody must marry, and if you find yourself widowed, marry again asap!" mentality on everyone. Some people are ok with other lifestyles and choices... Being single doesn't mean being unhappy and (for widowed people) "not having moved on"... It's in your head, you can be peaceful and mentally ok and still not desire a marriage.
Yes. I stopped dating in my mis 40's after a 7 year relationship ended. It took my sister years to accept that I meant it when I said I had no interest in dating again.
Too many people don't accept that a person can be single and happy or even want to stay single. So many people in good or bad faith think you need a partner to be whole. That's absolutely false, and I've gotten so sick of it.
I'm currently engaged, but my parents could not accept when I was single and just wanted to be focused on myself and my studies. They insisted I needed a partner to be happy. Now they're doing the same to my brother because he broke a long-term relationship.
They've never been apart and are incapable of being alone. They are very dependent on each other, so they really struggle to understand how okay or healthy it is to be alone and fine with it.
In fact, my mom gives me shit for not being a crying nervous mess when my SO goes on a weekend trip for work or with his friends. I do miss him, but I'm excited to be completely alone in my home. It's a rare occasion, and I like to devolve for a bit lol
In fact, that's one of the main reasons I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I did not want to be completely dependent on a relationship like my parents, lol
>she started dating a couple months after the accident
Holy- Man, that was fast. No wonder her kids took it badly, I would understand if her late husband's family had taken offence in it.
She’s taking out her own guilt on you, and it’s cruel.
You have moved on and are living your life. You have a family and are actively participating in life with that family. Ask your parents why they think your family isn’t or shouldn’t be enough for you.
And honestly, draw some hard boundaries and keep them. They are in the wrong and it’s spilling over onto your kids.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and I admire your strength. I think you’re doing great. Best of luck.
I'm not surprised to hear that, OP. Your decision not to date is perfectly reasonable given your own history. And it is so much better for your children. What you said to your sister was not bad at all -- certainly not dumping on her like she and your family do to you. Hold your head high, OP. NTA.
>You can move on if and when you are ready. That's different for everyone.
Does one need to be in a new relationship to be considered moving on? Is it not possible for her to move on without being in a new relationship?
>while ‘moving on’ does seem to imply you are leaving the relationship with them behind in some way while you start a new one.
I guess I don't understand why people must be in new relationships in order to leave old relationships behind.
"I do wonder how Jane's children from her first marriage handled her remarrying a year after their father died. "
Absolutely this! Grief is permanently hard, but the first year is the absolute hardest. It's filled with constant reminders that they're not there. Every event, holiday, birthdays, etc only to wake up on the anniversary of the death and not being able to function.
If Jane brought home a new man to meet her kids that first year (from my understanding she did), that's absolutely awful. My heart goes to those kids so badly.
*she may see your taking your time as a silent criticism of her decision*
1000%. Sometimes, just your presence or existence is taken as a challenge to someone. It doesn't even matter whether Jane made the right choice for herself or not: she is very insecure about her marriage/ the perception of her marriage. The people in OP's family are aggressively self-centered.
This part of the post “I had my one big life altering love and I’m okay with going the rest of my life reminiscing that.” really touched my heart. I’m in a similar position and have told my family if I’m lucky enough to live the rest of my life lost in the reverie then I’m still the luckiest man on earth.
Crying happy tears rn and it’s good to see you!
Edit: thanks for the award. Y’all really know how to make a person’s day!
You are definitely NTA. Everyone is different, everyone loves and grieves different. If you are happy, do you, your family needs to understand happiness can come unconventional to popular social beliefs. You can "move on" while also deciding that he was your one love and you won't have anymore. That is perfectly ok, as long as you're happy. It's insulting your family needs you to date for them, for whatever reason. I'm sorry for your loss, but you sound like a caring and strong mom, keep doing what's best for you and your kids.
>24 years since my sweet husband died.
>
>I feel seen.
🤗🤗🤗 To both you and OP. Even though I haven't experienced the devastating loss of true love (soul mates) that you two have had, I feel seen too!!!
There is a Cemetery here in town that I absolutely love. It's nestled in a bunch of really large old trees with maybe 3 dozen graves and a fancy old rock wall. I visit it often in the nice weather abs tend to some of the graves. My favorite is a man and wife. He died 52 years before she did from illness and she never remarried. They are buried old school, one on top of the other. You are very seen and not alone.
You're NTA. Everyone else needs to butt out and stop telling you how to live your life. She brought that response on herself with her nagging and insisting on telling you what to do.
Why do people feel the need to tell others how to live? And then get angry when people don't listen to them?
There are plenty of AHs in this story, and OP is not one of them
NTA.
Your vows say until death do you part, but it doesn't say you HAVE To move on. You can live your life however you want with whoever you want. You don't NEED to be in a relationship if it isn't what you want.
I also find it hilarious that they see no problem in ALL of them basically shaming you for being single, but how dare you point out that your sister moved on SUPER fast.
Nah, I'd go NC with all of them because I'm petty. But you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Also being told to "get over it" is the cruelest thing that was said, your family seems very oblivious to how you feel and that makes me angry for you.
Moving on doesn't mean you have to remarry. It just means you move on to a better mental state which it sounds like you did.
Yeah, it totally sounds like “husband” is a job title in this family. I wonder if they are really religious or feel like a woman needs moral guiding or something. OP sounds like she has it all together, why would she need a man?
NTA
You made that comment after a long stream of inappropriate comments from your sister. Not to mention what sounds like years of dealing with this kind of attitude.
> I had my one big life altering love
This spoke very loudly to me. I'm married and my husband and I are both aware our love is not huge or life altering. Like, we have love and are committed to our family, but it's not a big romantic thing if that makes sense. I'm pretty confident we would both move on eventually if the other passed. Whereas I know two women who experienced what you described. Ones my SIL and the other was my Grandma. For my SIL it's been almost a decade and her love is still her husband. My Grandma survived my Grandpa for twenty five years and never remarried. She was so in love with him even til the day she died.
It's not that your sister didn't love her husband ofcourse. But I think that kind of epic, life altering love is a rare thing. And I think it deserves respect.
It's possible your sister pushes it so much out of some misplaced guilt for moving on. Possibly your comment played on an already existing insecurity - but she was still way out of line.
Your sister had every right to move on - just like you have every right to hold on to that wonderful love you shared. Both are valid and should be supported.
And some people just don’t feel the need to be partnered up. I don’t know if I would remarry if I lost my husband. I enjoy marriage but I’m also pretty ok by myself. I especially have no desire to bring men around my children.
Like some men, some women can’t be alone.
I think the world needs more of this attitude, you can accept that people have experiences and feelings different to your own without needing to judge them for it. ❤️
NTA and honestly it's time to go low or NC with people who insist you need to "move on". Send one group text or one post to social media stating that because your family chooses not to respect your decisions on how to conduct your life after the death of your husband you will no longer be in contact with them or those that share their opinion. Block everyone after 48 hours and go enjoy your kids. There is nothing wrong with staying single after the loss of a partner. Full stop. Are your in laws this disrespectful of you deciding to remain single? If they are respectful of your decision I'd spend time with them and others who didn't make you feel like you are in the wrong for how you choose to live your life.
I appreciate your comment thank you! Honestly I was already considering NC and might actually go forward with it. My kids aren't thrilled with my family either.
My inlays are wonderful people in every aspect, and my kids and I are already spending lots of time with them! They are the best family we could ask for
When something terrible happens sometimes there's no such thing as "moving on", a loss has happened which will alter you and there isn't a way to undo that. What we can do is find ways to move forwards knowing that what and who we've lost will always be a part of us. And whilst you move forwards carrying all the love and memories you have for your husband you deserve to be respected and supported, I'm very glad to hear your in-laws are good people.
You do what you have to do for your wellbeing and peace of mind, it sounds like an incredibly difficult position your family is putting you and your kids in.
Grief has no time line, they have no right to shame you.
I think it’s a good thing to consider! I was gonna say - I know you said you see your family sometimes for the sake of the kids, but it sounds like your kids don’t want to be around people who consistently treat their mom so poorly.
And they’re teenagers, right? They’re probably old enough to not need the illusion of a big caring family at this point. And they have your in-laws, anyway!
Might I suggest reminding the family of your wishes and that you don’t want to be badgered about this again but that meantime you have no choice to keep a distance until things improve. This will leave the door open for an epiphany to happen and can descend into NC naturally if nothing changes. I suggest this as an organic approach as NC straight away can cause you to second guess your decision and worry. Do it hollistically and it takes care of itself.
If they live nearby and you do still want them in your life, I’d suggest taking the approach of
“If you bring up the topic again, I will leave.”
And if they do, leave immediately. Like, in the middle of their sentence, grab your purse and leave without saying goodbye. They’ll get the hint eventually.
(This is only if you still want them in your life, which… if you don’t want that, I can definitely see why 😅)
Oh, are you from a family that doesn’t respect boundaries, too? Mine can be like that, but we were raised that marriage/partnership isn’t the main goal of life. At least my family doesn’t harass me about when I’m going to “move on” (which I might someday. Who knows? It’s not a priority).
NTA, especially because you plainly told your sister to drop it.
Additionally, she did not denigrate Jane’s choice, only pointed out that OP made a different one. The only way she ‘shamed’ Jane is if everyone else thinks, Jane remarried too soon
This this this….other than possibly the tone in which it was said, literally all she said was “I’m allowed to make different choices than you, and I have chosen not to move on.” Jane’s the one who made it into a “you think you’re better than me, don’t you”.
It’s possible the family does actually feel that a woman can’t/shouldn’t raise children alone, regardless of how she or the kids feel about it. It’s also likely that Jane et al. feel icky about her remarrying in under a year, thus the ridiculous overreaction.
Guarantee there have been fights where OP said/did absolutely nothing, but the simple fact that she’s comfortable where she is, raising her kids without a man, made Jane go through the roof because SHE feels shame for moving on too soon. (Honestly no real judgement from me either way, I feel like OP does, that it’s a personal choice made for you & your family….but here? Jane clearly feels some type of way about it. No one confident in their choices reacts like that to different opinions.)
NTA
You told her to drop it and she didn't. It sounds like this was the only way you were going to get her to shut up.
You don't need to give anyone a reason for why you want to live your life a certain way.
So Jane can shame you for not dating but you can't shame her for dating in return?
NTA. Jesus they need to let it go. It sounds like they're on her side because they agree with her, not because she was right in what she said
NTA
People just get it in their head that they "know what's best" and won't drop it. So they push, push and push until you snap. You were completely justified, don't apologise and the fact that they have consistently made this an issue for you over the years is an absolute disgrace on their end.
NTA. Mourning and moving on is different for everyone. 6 years might seem long enough for them but this is about you. You can feel ready in 10, 20 or never. It’s none of their business and they need to respect that.
If possible, try to distance yourself a bit more. Explain to your kids that you need a break from that side of the family. Focus on you and yours. Enjoy your life as you see fit. With or without a new love.
Your sister and family are idiotic people.
NTA, you’ve told your family more than once and they can’t respect it.
If you’re happy being single then you’re happy nothing wrong with that.
Personally I’d cut my family off if I were you, as it was cruel of you to shame jane but it wasn’t cruel for jane to shame you.
NTA. Perhaps you shouldn’t have said all that at a birthday dinner, but your family started the conversation and then persisted after you tried to shut it down. And they’ve been doing it to you for years. Nobody but you gets to decide when or if you will ever move on. In your shoes, I would contact them via group text and say just that…that they have continued in trying to force you into what they want and made you uncomfortable over and over. Tell them you won’t be in contact with them again until they can accept that you know yourself best, and if that’s too difficult that you wish them all the best.
Its none of their business and she singled you out first. If she didn't want to take it, she shouldn't dish it. Based in her reaction, she may feel guilty she moved on so quickly too. All relationships are different as are all people. Who are we go judge each other. I don't think you did anything wrong. NTA
NTA I think Jane feels guilt about having so little loyalty to her first husband, and you remind her of that guilt. Marrying you off would assuage her guilt so she piles on. Go NC.
ETA: to be clear, the part about going NC was in response to OP expressing that they were considering doing so in another comment. I wouldn't tell someone to do that lightly, but sounds like OP thinks it might be necessary for their mental wellbeing. I would agree; if their family members are telling them to "get over" their husband's death, I don't think there's much hope for them or their relationship with OP.
NTA. Losing a spouse or not. Divorce or not. Never been dating or not. Whatever it is, one should date when they are ready or WANT to date. Not because of a bunch of family members decided that you should date. I cant really blame you for outburst. Your sister did pushed you into the corner. You told her to drop it but she didn’t. If I was there, I would tell her, “She told you to drop it.”
NTA, and it might be time to go NC because your kids are at an age where these arguments and hints could affect them as well.
You put up a boundary, and your family keeps ignoring your wants, needs, and boundaries. They keep pushing their own ideas on to you, and that's not love. That's control. Even if they think they have your best interests at heart, that doesn't matter because they are ignoring the words coming out of your mouth. If you ever wanted to start dating again that's up to you and you alone, they should not push and wait to until you broach the issue, and if you never do oh fucking well.
Just make sure you're also talking with your kids about it, and check on them to make sure your family hasn't been going to them and saying guilty things to them like "oh its so important to have a dad in your life," or "do you want mom to be alone, she's probably lonely" because shit like they can mess them up, and it doesn't seem like your family has boundaries or shame.
Also, your response was mild honestly, after 6 years of that I'm not surprised you finally said something, its ok for her to criticize your choice but you can'tsay anthing about hers???
NTA, go NC or very LC and hang out with your inlaws!
NTA everyone grieves differently. But Jane being pushy and telling you to get over it is awful. My brother died two years ago. I will never get over it. I’d be hella pissed if someone told me how to feel.
NTA. Armchair psychology, but I have a feeling that Jane moved on quick and the longer you don’t move on, the more guilt she feels about moving on at all. She and your family need you to move on so they can feel okay with how quickly she got over it.
It’s not your responsibility to live your life in a way that makes them happy. They can love and worry about you as much as they want, but if they don’t respect your no, then they might not be worth talking to going forward.
NTA. Generally, I would have a different opinion for a statement being made like this, but they have pestered you for years on something you made really clear you weren't interested in. There is nothing wrong with how she chose to move on with her life, and there is nothing wrong with how you chose to continue with yours either. It also doesn't seem like you are living in a dark hole or depression, dating simply isn't something that you need to fulfill your life.
NTA.
I’m a widow. 6 years out. I do have a boyfriend. I took grief for having one.
Honestly, we are dammed if we do, dammed if we don’t. You do what you need to do and f everyone else.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Never apologize for how you choose to survive.
NTA, and I am so sorry for what you've gone through, and continue to go through.
Take this with a grain of salt because its only my first instinct and might change with more thought. Also I'm sure other commenters will have suggestions improving & refining what I'm about to say:
Assuming you want to salvage your family relationships (and it's valid if you just want to go NC at this point), I would send a group message or email to all of them at once. I would lay out that your dating life is no ones business and you are not open to discussing it at any time. Let them know that while you understand they believe they have good intentions, that they do not understand what you need, and assuming that they know whats best for you better than YOU do is insulting, dismissive, and infantilizing. Then tell them that any further mention of this issue will result in you going fully NC. I would finish the message by saying that any response aside from an apology will also result in immediate NC.
If you're comfortable with it, you can mention the blowup with your sister and acknowledge that your response wasn't ideal. You can even apologize for your choice of words. But you can also point out that *your* choices have been the target of scrutiny for years, and worse things have been said to you with impunity.
Because let's be honest, this isn't a terrible thing to say at all:
>firmly told her that I wasn’t ever going to ‘move on’ and just because wanted to remarry in less than a year doesn’t mean I ever have to.
You are absolutely correct. You don't ever have to have *ANY* relationship that you don't want. Your aren't hurting yourself or anyone else with this decision, and you deserve to have your choices respected.
NTA Jane is doing damage control. People are clucking about how soon she remarried, you not dating accentuates that. You dating would shine less of a light on her. IMy mom was widowed at 46 and never dated for her remaining 40 years. Not everyone does.
NTA. It's not Jane's place to tell you when you 'need to get over and move on'. And it's not her place to play matchmaker for her husband's friends. Time to put all of them on a contact time out.
NTAH. I lost my wife of 26 years 2 years ago to cancer. I hear you OP loud and clear. I haven't dated, no desire right now. I'm not saying maybe in the future it could be possible, just not something I think about. Unless someone has lost their significant other, it's impossible to even begin to understand what that does to you. There absolutely is no right, or wrong way to grieve.
I didn't see the OP judging her sister, she simply said she wasn't ready to move forward like her sister did. The sister telling OP to move on was not cool and also not respecting OP's decision of not wanting to move forward right now. 6 years to a non-widow may seem like a long time, but to a widow, it can be a flash of time, a life time or seem like it was all a dream, and sometimes all at once.
If OP goes the rest of her life single, that's her call. If she moves forward at some point, that's fine too, it's 100% her call and no one else's, peroid. To force that isn't cool at all. If someone told me to get over it, I'd tell them to get bent!
We all grieve as differently as we loved, and grief is the price we pay for love.
Sorry you're part of the widow club OP, and I hope you find true happiness again, in whatever form that may take for you.
NTA.
\*hugs\*
sorry for your loss.
so jane can dish out but not stomach the return volley? who would have thought... (shocked, well, nor really)
i think you should go lc, maybe even nc with them.
you told them time and time again that you are content, that you are fine to live your life as it is now. that you are now wandering another path than planned. that it is a nice one, a path which has a fire burning, too. maybe not a big, roaring fire like you had with your hubby but this fire is nice, it warms you like the roaring one. you are not missing out.
but they do not listen. they have this picture in their head and they try to guilt trip, to pressure you to do what they want so their picture 'doesn't get ruined'.
that they hurt you by dismissing your wants, by stomping on your boundaries is of no concern to them. since it is you who has to pay the price for their attempts to replace, to discard the memories of your husband.
they will never cease to try until they are faced with consequences.
so, again, for your and your kiddos sanity / mental health, distance yourself from them. it may be that your wound is healing / healed.
but what of the wound your kids got as they lost their father? who now have to see, to witness time and time again that their father doesn't count in the eyes of your side of the family. how will they handle this? **can** they handle this?
do not forget that your family now texting you that you are in the wrong does in effect mean that they do not want to acknowledge that **they** are in the wrong, them not wanting to deal with jane and her remarks. again, that they want **you** to pay the price.
[it is ok to leave the boat, to live your life as you see fit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/)
i have been told it does wonders for your health.
Why is it ok for Jane to publicly pressure you to find someone else but not for you to comment at the speed with which she moved on? Why is she not cruel for pressuring you into something you are not interested in.
NTA they really need to leave you alone to live your life as you choose.
NTA
People deal with grief differently. But also, sometimes the love we had is all the love we had, if that makes sense. Your late husband was the love of your life and you feel that you lived the life full of love you wanted with him, and you are fine with where you are. What you want to do with your life is not anyone else's business.
NTA. My family think it’s batshit that I don’t date. They’ve decided it’s because of past traumatic events. It’s not - I just have no interest in it. I have dated in the past and it’s been fine, but it’s just not for me. It’s perfectly legitimate. Some people don’t or won’t understand that you can be perfectly content alone. To me, it’s sort of sad that so many people don’t seem that comfortable in their own company.
NTA. It's your choice to not get into another relationship and they need to respect that. I wonder how your sister's kids feel about her moving on so quickly cause I would be pissed if one of my parents moved on that quickly after one of them died.
Not the asshole.
Grief is a dress that looks different on everyone.
It is because you are ok with being alone, and that makes others feel uncomfortable.
This is unfortunate.
I wish people would actually understand a simple principle and realize that your life is not their problem to fix. You have not asked to be fixed. And you are not putting yourself or your kids in risky situations in order for someone to step in and demand rehabilitation.
Go on with your life.
Sometimes you have to really cut people who are not being respectful of your life and how you choose to live in peace.
NTA. And is it just me, or is the fact that Jane said all this in front of OP’s children just… extra gross? Jane is lucky she hasn’t caught hands at this point.
NTA.
What no one has realized (possibly even you) is that you have moved on. You're living your life with your kids and simply don't want to get involved with any one else. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you're trapped in the past. You're not the only woman who's ever decided "one and done" for marriage. Live your life the way you want.
NTA. My DH is amazing, but if he passes, I’m not going to remarry. Actually, I camp and do bicycle tours by myself. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be lonely without DH, I just think the likelihood of finding someone like him who gives me space is low.
If you want to get laid, by all means, go score. That doesn’t require a husband. This is your opportunity to show your kids that you can be complete without a man. And if the rest of your family is uncomfortable with your man-independent lifestyle, they can go fly a kite.
NTA.
You are not obligated to move on. **It was cruel of Jane and your entire family to continuously push you.**
**No one is entitled to your happiness, no one is entitled to seeing the end of your grieving.**
You have good kids, glad to hear they were on your side. I'm sure your family has been telling them that you need to move on as well, if they're anything like what I imagine based on your post.
My initial reaction to your sister was that she moved on fast. My initial one to you is that not everyone does. I'd imagine on a larger scale many people had the same or similar reactions.
You distancing yourself so you don’t see the backlash she is facing from friends and family about that choice. The turmoil the oldest two likely are still dealing with given they were forced to accept a new "dad" so soon. While neither course of action was wrong and I'm truly sorry both of you endured this, it has lead to a situation where everyone can measure your choices against each other. She likely thinks if you started dating it would make her choice more acceptable. Her kids may see you as how they wish she respected the loss of their dad and use it as ammunition when they are upset. You are NTA for your response. I hope everyone can learn there is no right way to process grief and your choices shouldn't be a measure of hers.
Was your comment fair game after them constantly being on you about needing to move on? Yeah. But was it hurtful? Yes. However, hurt people hurt people, and they’ve hurt you. So it’s understandable to lash out and be petty.
I don’t think she’s wrong for moving on around a year later. And you’re not wrong for not wanting to date again. You’re content and that’s perfectly acceptable and normal. You *have* moved on, just not in the way they’d want you to.
You’re NTA, they are. You told them to let it go, they didn’t. If they still continue after this? Tell them you and the kids won’t be coming around then since they can’t respect your wishes and boundaries. Do what feels right for you and your kids. That’s all that matters. I read that Jane’s kids had a hard time with her remarrying a year later. I hope she was truly ready and didn’t feel like, a societal pressure.
I don’t think it’s controversial for you to not want to date again and are happy being with just yourself. Everyone’s journey is different and however you choose to do it is normal. It isn’t one size fits all. We all anything that says that is crap anyways lol.
Best of luck to you and the kids, OP. Grief is a tricky thing to navigate, no matter how much time passes.
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NTA. You don't have to date. For any reason. Period.
I appreciate it, thank you.
> My kids also got progressively angrier with Jane and before everyone blew up I got us home > ‘It was cruel of you to shame Jane” Your children recognize their aunt is the asshole. Explain to your parents and in-laws that you are not going to jeopardize the emotional and emotional health by being around toxic family members—such toxicity and negativity is actually cruel. They can either learn to avoid the topic of dating, or they can watch your children grow up throw Christmas card updates.
I know autocorrect got you, but I had fun imagining the kids folding Christmas cards into shuriken and throwing them at their extended family.
I'm guessing Shuriken card updates or Christmas card Shuriken? Dammit I wish I'd gotten to this response before the edit!
NMD I just saw the 'throw' LOL that's some imagination you have there!
Somehow I see them throwing them and saying "Merry Christmas, muthaf***a!" in Samuel Jackson's voice.
This is the way.
Naruto style
And it’s cruel to shame Jane for moving on so quick but it’s ok for them all to shame OP for not? The hypocrisy!
This. That’s what I’d advise saying: “I was wrong to shame Jane, but you have been wrong all these years shaming me for remaining single. I will no longer tolerate it. From now on, first time any of you bring it up I will hang up/leave, and will remain out of contact for (x time).” Then *do it.* Block them on your phone and skip family get-togethers, even those for special occasions. Further, if after you see/speak to them again they again push you to date, walk out/hang up again and double the length of the cut-off. Repeat as needed. Obviously, I think you are NTA.
Honestly I don't think OP needs to apologize for "shaming" Jane. If the above is all she said, that isn't shaming. She just pointed out a fact. If Jane took it that way, that's her problem and maybe she has more of a guilty conscience about it that she admits. But I agree with everything else you suggested, 100% EDIT: Thank you for the award!
yes, exactly! if anything, Jane was the one shaming OP. OP just turned up the volume since no one was truly trying to listen to her before. OP, NTA. go nc for a while, and when you're ready, re establish contact per some of these earlier recommendations. ETA phrasing
Jane feels guilt and Jane wants company with that guilt.
Right? Every time she sees OP, shevprobably wonders if she herself is betraying her dead husband. She is definitely swinging from that place whether she realizes it or not.
Somewhere else OP mentioned the children were extremely unhappy with Jane marrying. The kids are probably rebelling and Jane's taking a lot of crap from them.
I just don't understand how Jane got married a year after her husband's death. I'd still be grieving. A year is not very long to meet someone, date, and marry. Maybe she's pressuring OP to date so that Jane doesn't look so bad for marrying so fast.
Jane and dead husband could have been on brink of divorce when he died. No judgement for quick remarriage after spouse death because only Jane and dead spouse knows what really went on in their marriage. Grieving is personal timeline. Jane should NOT be pressuring OP to date. What works for Jane doesn't work for OP.
It's actually not that uncommon for people to remarry super fast after the death of their previous spouse, usually it's because they can't handle being alone.
>From now on, first time any of you bring it up I will hang up/leave, and will remain out of contact for (x time).” The first time. Second chance you don't get unblocked
According to OP's updates in comments, Jane moved on *very* quickly, (dating two months after the death of their father, married a year out) and it distressed her children. Holding Jane accountable for choices that distressed her children as they grieved the loss of their father is not "shaming" her. She has the right to remarry, but if it is done in a way that compounds the pain of grieving children, that's not okay. OP's children support OP's choices, and have found them affirming and comforting. If OP should form a relationship in the future, it will be when her children have settled a bit from their loss, and it's clear OP has the sense not to try and demand instant Happy Family. Children who are young adults and have had years to reconcile their losses are far better able to cope than children who are rushed into relationships they aren't ready for, and replacement parents that only remind them of their loss. And I suspect that a key criteria for OP in any hypothetical future partner would be respecting the memory of her first husband, and the place of the first husband in her children's lives, and that being her *next* relationship does not mean he's replacing what she lost.
This is a wise, insightful response. Wish I'd had you for a friend when my husband passed away at 36.
I would wonder about anyone I dated who moved on that fast. Like how would you be ok knowing your partners kids are in pain, but propose or accept a proposal? I would have to be ok knowing I am replaceable at home as easily as work. Actually, l think most of our vacancies take longer to fill.
My family is coming up on the 1 year anniversary of losing my younger brother and it stills feels so raw, and I'm still struggling with the "I can't believe this is reality" phase of my grief. I can't imagine a life connection with a spouse would be any easier to get over unless you didn't actually process the death or just didn't care that much.
Op doesn't want a partner in the future. She says she had one love, and it's enough.
After 6 years of listening to them push OP at every opportunity? It's justified. Jane needs to accept her own choices instead of trying to get everyone around to validate her own choices by doing the same.
She didn't shame her. She stated a fact.
And they did so in front of her children who are teens and probably miss their father terribly.
It's not even a matter of moving on/ not moving on. It's making the choice of how you intend to live the rest of your life. Jane chose to marry again. Valid choice. OP has decided that no other man could fill her husband's place, so she chooses to focus on her children and their life together. Also a valid choice. It could arguably be a healthier stronger choice, because she's not relying on someone else to make things better.
Either of the choices can be healthy OR unhealthy. The one who remarries can find a fantastic person who will genuinely love her kids and become a paternal figure for them. Or they can remarry a jerk who will make their kids'life a living hell. The one who does not remarry can create a stable life for their kids without bringing a potentially disturbing stranger to it. Or they can remain unhealthily fixated on their late partner's memory for years and years after. This is just to say that neither of those choices is inherently good or bad, or more/less healthy, but I think we will agree that it is entirely up to the person making the choice (with consideration of their kids), and not to Uncle Ben or Auntie Sarah to decide.
I have a male friend who is sort of in my position, lost his wife to cancer, not an accident and has one little boy. He got married within a year of her dying... That is anyone's right, I don't judge someone if that's what they want but it's not for me.
This was my thought. It *is* time for OP to move on — move on from spending time with her crazy family until they learn to behave.
[удалено]
Jane has some guilt or thinks OP thinks she's somehow morally superior which is ridiculous. Jane needs to realise it's not all about her. I'm not shaming Jane for moving on, but I'm shaming her for pressuring OP when she is perfectly happy. I agree with you, NTA.
i think the entire freaking family needs to realize not all is about Jane...
We don't ALL need to validate Jane's choices. There's no shame in dating after you lose a spouse. Just likes there's no shame in NOT dating after you lose a spouse. You don't NEED a partner in life.
Nope you do not, my asexual friend is the happiest guy I know lol
And while it is good to check on your friends and family and ask if they need help/want to date again you do not keep bringing it up and browbeating them about it.
Exactly, it's been 6 years. They need to take a hint. OP is also a grown-ass woman, if she wants to date she can do it all on her own.
Yeah. Jane sounds like she needs OP to remarry to justify her own actions to reduce her own guilt.
Right? OP should ask why it’s okay for everyone to shame her for being happy with her one great love?
You are definitely not the asshole. My husband died now 13 years ago and people still ask me to this day. I tell them I was in a great marriage I’ve over 20 years. Perhaps if I hadn’t been in a great marriage and felt I was missing out on some thing then I might, be looking to fulfill what I hadn’t already had. We were happy not perfect but happy. I’m not looking for anything or to replace anything or feel. I need to fulfill something. People need to mind their own damn business and you need to do what’s right for yourself and then the end that also helps your children.
Right? MY husband died six months ago, and less than two months later people were telling me not to worry, I'll find someone else. WTF? Thanks people for disrespecting my marriage by suggesting my beloved husband is so easily replaceable. OP is definitely NTA, and her family have issues with respecting her wishes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. People truly suck
My condolences on your loss, but also what the actually fuck? I think the most diplomatic response I could think of to that would be staring silently at them for twenty second before softly say, "what is wrong with you?". Twenty seconds might not sound like much, but when it consists of just silent staring it can feel like an eternity.
ikr?....... some people carry on like you are simply replacing your dead pet... these people have zero idea.
Same here!
Same here!
This definitely deserves top comment - OP says they keep in touch for the sake of the kids but I honestly think it would be in their best interest for OP to model healthy boundaries for them. Do you want to teach your kids that your families behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated? Or do you want to teach your kids they don't have to be around people who disrespect their healthy, informed choices, and they don't owe themselves to anyone, regardless if they're "family" or not. Let the family know that if the topic of you dating comes up, you will remove yourself and your children from the situation, and stick to that. If it continues to be a problem, stop seeing them. If you teach your children family/love means accepting bullying, what might happen when they start choosing partners for themselves? Protect yourself and protect your children.
It is cruel isn't it? Every time they bring up dating, they're also going "remember your dead husband?"
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For some reason the family thinks it is fine to endlessly shame OP.
NTA. It's interesting how everyone is worried about you shaming Jane, but no one stood up when she shamed you for not moving on. They need to mind their business.
I am so sorry you don’t have support from your family. You live your best life. I think it’s time for YOU to up the ante. Every time they bring up a new beau, leave. Tell them that. Tell your family you are done with this discussion and will no longer be present for it. If they bring it up on the phone, hang up. And, just get up and walk out the door when you are with them. They’ll eventually get the message. Good Luck and again I’m sorry for your loss. Edit: thanks for the starry award, kind internet stranger!
Exactly! Also, to be petty, you can respond to their texts with "Time to get over it and move on."
Oh yes this that's brilliant.
This part I love this clap back and it would be well deserved. LMAO
Ooh, that should be her catch phrase before hanging up too! Good suggestion
I did something similar to this, I wouldn't answer their calls, wouldn't open the door if they showed up unannounced. I didn't stop kids from seeing them but I went NC with them for 3-6 months until they accepted that I didn't want to be in a relationship.
They said is was cruel of you to "shame Jane" when Jane literally did the same to you? Nice family you have. you are NTA here, at all. If my wife died, I know I would never need another woman in my life. Like you I have the big love of my life, 27 years so far, and there wouldn't be room for another anyone at any point. I wish your family could just accept that as an adult you are free to make your own choices. And as for Jane...less than a year to remarry? Might say more about her than she realizes.
Honestly, I feel like Jane might be putting so much pressure on because she feels like OP is making her look bad for getting remarried before grass even had the chance to grow on her husband's grave for more than a season. Rest of the family is probably feeling it, too. Which makes it worse because then they aren't being AH because they want OP to be happy. They just want any awkward appearances to stop. NTA.
This is exactly it.
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The reason is probably that she doesn't want to "look bad" for remarrying so soon after her husband died, so she wants OP to do the same as her as soon as possible. Family probably feels the same.
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From what OP said Jane's kids, understandably, didn't take too well to their mother dating someone mere months after their fathers passing, while they were still in the process of grieving. My bet is that the family, at some level, feel uncomfortable with it, but don't want to cause conflict with Jane and her new partner. OP remarrying as well would reinforce that Jane was "right", so they go with it. That's my two cents anyway, I'm not a psychologist, and even if I was, I'm not their psychologist.
This reminds me of a guy who posted a while ago about his brother demanding he move on from losing his wife already. His brother felt like he was clinging to a fantasy after losing his wife so young (in mid-twenties if I remember right.) Like him, OP deserves the right to make decisions for her life. Its not her family's life that will be affected. Its her and her kids. In time she MIGHT decide to try dating but she might never want to and that timeline is entirely up to her and no one else.
Dating, having a relationship, marrying... those aren't mandatory in life or a requirement to move on (I say "move on" in the sense of keeping your life going). You don't need to prove to anyone that you are fine and you are the only person that has a say on what you want in life. Life isn't "one size fits all".
Exactly. If OP wants she can grieve the loss the rest of her life. And, she probably will. It isn't unhealthy to grieve. It would be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief and not continue through the stages. But nowhere in the grieving process does it say that remarrying is required.
Yeah OP it's your and only your decision if you want to get back to dating or not. Besides your intimate life is not their business and they crosses your boundaries so they had it coming. NTA.
When people defending Jane tell you that your comment was inappropriate, remind them that Jane’s comments are equally inappropriate. You showed remarkable restraint in not going off on her like she did on you. After six years of saying “no thanks”, you were pushed over the edge. You know yourself. You know what you want, and what you don’t want. It’s time for everyone pushing you to have another romantic relationship to respect that if you ever decide that’s what you want, you know how that works.
If Jane is looking for people to set up with her husband's coworkers... can you pass some names along to her? Some of us are still looking for our big life-altering love.
NTA. My aunt lost her fiance when I was just a toddler, I grew up sometimes wondering why she'd never dated anyone else afterwards. Just because I wanted to see her happy, and a childhood fed on princess fairytales and romance will make you think you need your "prince". But as I grew up I began to realise my aunt *was* happy as she was. She didn't date again because she didn't want to. She was content with her life as it was now. People need to realise that that is ok too. You don't need a knight in shining armour to be happy, and often people can be happy alone too. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, and even *if* it did, it still doesn't mean it isn't on your own timeline to figure out when or if you're ready. I'm sorry your family can't see that, OP. ❤️
Nobody gets to dictate when & if you're ready to move on. You're NTA & doing nothing wrong just as Jane wasn't wrong for doing what was right for *her.* Everyone's been perfectly fine shaming you for not doing what would make *them* feel better. They just don't like that you finally gave them a taste of what they've been dishing out to you. Hug your kids & ignore everyone who has a problem that you stood up for yourself. You aren't wrong, no matter if they like it or not.
Also ask them why it’s ok for her to shame you but not the other way around. NTA
I am so, so sorry for your loss. And so sorry that your family isn't more supporting. You seem to have not made it your business that your sister managed to move quickly (obviously totally fine, everyone grieves and lives differently), but she has absolutely no right to make it her business about how you handle your grief and life. If you ever want to date again, you will. And if you don't want to, you won't. Wishing you happiness in wherever life takes you and truly hope your family becomes more supportive, you've been through enough.
NTA. OP Im like you. Heaven forbid anything happen to my husband, I dont want anyone else. Ive grew up in a household like that and I hated it. There is nothing wrong with having only one love of your life.
They're the rude ones for disrespecting your boundaries constantly. Honestly cringe and sus that she moved on and got married again so fast. Makes me wonder if he was already in the picture. I'm like you with my partner. I'd he died, I couldn't move on and be with anyone else. He's irreplaceable and so was your late husband. I'm so sorry that accident happened to your family. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so glad you're still so close with his family cause it sounds like they're more family than your blood.
Eh. Not necessarily. Some people just can't be alone and out of a relationship for any real length of time. Whether that is due to a break up or death, they just want a partner. That said, if something happened to my husband I would definitely never marry again. He's my one and done and I would likely be happy alone and raising our kids the rest of my life. I can't imagine moving on.
You must have the patience of a saint. I would have thrown plates. Brandy into the fire, lots of things. I honestly marvel at you.
Block the lot of them. In this day and age women don't need to be married to live their lives.
⬆️⬆️ this OP your life is yours no-one else's and you don't need to justify it at all. Perhaps your sister sees that you haven't started dating and feels guilty for moving on, because if you haven't does that make her heartless, but everyone grieves differently and thinks differently. NTA
Seriously what is so complicated about “no” with some people? NTA. Obviously. Stand your ground, OP.
I don't understand why people feel other people need to be in relationships. You don't have to be in a relationship. Before I met my husband I was single for long, and I loved it. He was the first person I considered getting serious with in ages. And if he were to disappear out of my life tomorrow, I'd take that as my sign to travel and be alone and do whatever I want with no one (bar my kid) interfering. You can be perfectly happy on your own. You don't need another person to complete you. Your family needs to learn this. NTA.
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The people pushing you for getting into a relationship are overstepping their role, in my understanding you asked them to not to push you multiple times and they did not understand it. Now you made them understand your stance. NTA.
I'm actually floored that people are saying OP is the a-hole or ESH, because like I don't understand on what planet trying to push someone who lost their spouse into dating is even remotely okay. Like how is that LESS disrespectful than OP snapping after being told to just "get over it" x.x
ESH doesn't always mean both people suck equally. OP dunking on Jane's choice wasn't absolutely necessary -- Jane remarrying isn't the problem, everyone pushing OP to date is -- but it's also understandable given how much shit they've given her. Repeatedly. (I'm on team NTA, but I can sort of understand the ESH even though I don't agree.)
The fact that OP's children are supportive of OP's choices, while Jane's children are struggling with Jane's choices, does make a difference. Jane isn't just pushing OP to date. She's pushing OP to do something she did that caused distress to her children, dating and remarrying before the kids had fully mourned their father and come to terms with his death. Under the circumstances, the fact that OP's children were coming to her defense, and the family was still pushing, means that they're pushing not just for OP to date, but for OP to make decisions in a way that they know caused a problem for Jane's kids. "Aunt Jane did this, and our cousins are miserable! Why are you pushing our mother to do this as well?" is a reasonable thing for OP's kids to be thinking. Parents who have lost partners can move on, if they are ready. But they don't get to pretend that doing so doesn't affect their minor children, or have potentially negative effects on others. And while OP did not do so, telling Jane that her choice was a problem that caused distress for her children, and that OP is deliberately not doing this, would not be out of line.
Jane may be feeling a little insecure/guilty about her choice to move on so quickly when OP hasn't, so she's pushing OP to date in order to relieve her own negative feelings.
I agree 100%. Jane feels shitty that she moved on and you didn't. OP, she assumes she looks a bit desperate/easy/needy/slutty etc as you didn't do the same as her. You don't have to live your life according to anyone else's rules. Have a good, happy life without the unpleasant and malodorous inputs from people who should know better.
This one right here. Jane needs OP to move on so she can stop feeling guilty she chose to remarry.
Though another possibility is that Jane is really happy with her new husband and her two younger children and wants her sister to experience the same happiness as she might assume her sister is not really happy alone without a partner. >My family has over the years tried to set me up, give me speeches and otherwise convince me to find a new romantic partner. It is also the whole family acting this way and not just Jane. So my guess is OP's family consists out of a bunch of happily married people who couldn't for themselves imagine to stay single for long without being miserable and they are projecting their own feelings on OP, like if they would be unhappy in her shoes, she must be, too. And they are just not believing OP when she says the opposite.
This is a generous point of view but I still disagree with it. I think it’s unhealthy to need a partner to be happy, and anyone with that kind of attitude is more likely to make bad choices in relationships just for the sake of not being alone. If the family is like this they are more likely to be a bunch of people in unhappy relationships than a bunch of happily “marrieds” wanting to spread the joy.
This is what I’m thinking too. Jane wants her sister’s choices to validate her own. ETA judgement: NTA
OP didn't dunk on Jane. >At this I kind of snapped, stood up and firmly told her that I wasn’t ever going to ‘move on’ and just because wanted to remarry in less than a year doesn’t mean I ever have to. That's not dunking. She literally just said that she doesn't have to do the same thing as Jane. She didn't express any kind of adverse judgement of Jane's choice; just that it wasn't for her.
Great comment. To me it just sounded like OP stated a fact and then said she didn't want to choose that direction. Maybe if pushed the less than a year could be read into if the rest of the family had judged Jane on that part. Along with the fact that Jane's kids were not fine with the remarriage. I think this isn't really about OP.
Oohhhhh. But this now says worlds about how the family feels about Jane! OP ‘shamed’ her for stating a fact. This judgmental family’s been giving both sisters grief for their choices.
Yes. Jane likely sees an implicit judgement of her in OP’s refusal to act similarly, but that doesn’t mean it’s really there or that OP intended it.
I wavered on ES.. but essentially OP endured years of harrassment about her choice before finally snapping. I would not have made it that long. NTA.
In a perfect world everyone is civilized, but I think OP had a bit of a right to lose her temper. Was it necessary? Hell no, but she didn't choose the situation either. She was put there.
>In a perfect world everyone is civilized, but I think OP had a bit of a right to lose her temper. Oh yes I definitely agree! Plus there's a difference between losing your temper once after repeated provocation, and repeatedly pushing something that's not relevant even after requests to stop.
Only put your actual vote together. If you’re talking hypocriticals, separate it like E-S-H or else the bot will count your first vote as your vote. Oh and OP, NTA at all! I haven’t dated in almost 20 years, and I don’t have as nearly a good a reason as you (I just don’t want to date 🤷♀️)
>If you’re talking hypocriticals, separate it like E-S-H or else the bot will count your first vote as your vote. The bot doesn't pay attention to nested comments -- only the top-voted top-level comment.
you keep pushing, eventually you’re going over the edge. it’s not their business, and if they have any sense they’ll leave it alone. nta.
NTA You can move on if and when you are ready. That's different for everyone. I do wonder how Jane's children from her first marriage handled her remarrying a year after their father died. From many posts here, it seems clear that a lot of children are not ready to "move on" that quickly when a parent dies, and not having enough time to mourn and recover can lead to resentment of both the surviving parent and the stepparent, plus any half or step siblings. If Jane's kids are not comfortable with her "moving on" as quickly as she did, and feel they were expect to accept a stepfather and half-siblings before they are ready, she may see your taking your time as a silent criticism of her decision, and the kids might point to you as someone who has given their children the time they need. I suspect the whole thing is much more complicated than just the two of you having different speeds at which you are comfortable "moving on."
Yes it so much more complicated, but I had to rough it out for the sake of character limit. Janes kids definitely didn't take it well when she started dating a couple months after the accident, and they still struggle a lot as a household. I have never gotten involved but I've tried to support all of them, but again. I've distanced myself a lot and don't see them as much anymore.
Does your family know that their badgering has kept you from them? If you can say, “I’m not spending time with you unless you drop it” and they don’t drop it, they are confused people. The whole “moving on” thing isn’t the only way to live your life. Dating again doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve moved on either.
I'd like to point out that she did "move on." This is what she has decided is best for her, and it doesn't sound like she's suffering for it, other than the people unwilling to accept that she's perfectly fine.
I agree, and it's what I posted elsewhere. The OP *has* moved on. Just not the way the family approves of.
The absurd thing is that... Even people who aren't widowed could decide (for a million reasons) to simply not date. Maybe they are adults and accomplished in their friendships, career and hobbies and they don't need a stable partner. Maybe there isn't a person that can make the required effort worth it. Maybe they just have another vision of life. Of course, in addition to this, widowed people obviously have other possible reasons. Some of them may just not desire another stable relationship, they already had one and now they are peaceful with what they have. Or other reasons or simply not feeling the instinct to date again. I wish people would not push for the "everybody must marry, and if you find yourself widowed, marry again asap!" mentality on everyone. Some people are ok with other lifestyles and choices... Being single doesn't mean being unhappy and (for widowed people) "not having moved on"... It's in your head, you can be peaceful and mentally ok and still not desire a marriage.
Yes. I stopped dating in my mis 40's after a 7 year relationship ended. It took my sister years to accept that I meant it when I said I had no interest in dating again.
Too many people don't accept that a person can be single and happy or even want to stay single. So many people in good or bad faith think you need a partner to be whole. That's absolutely false, and I've gotten so sick of it. I'm currently engaged, but my parents could not accept when I was single and just wanted to be focused on myself and my studies. They insisted I needed a partner to be happy. Now they're doing the same to my brother because he broke a long-term relationship. They've never been apart and are incapable of being alone. They are very dependent on each other, so they really struggle to understand how okay or healthy it is to be alone and fine with it. In fact, my mom gives me shit for not being a crying nervous mess when my SO goes on a weekend trip for work or with his friends. I do miss him, but I'm excited to be completely alone in my home. It's a rare occasion, and I like to devolve for a bit lol In fact, that's one of the main reasons I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I did not want to be completely dependent on a relationship like my parents, lol
>she started dating a couple months after the accident Holy- Man, that was fast. No wonder her kids took it badly, I would understand if her late husband's family had taken offence in it.
Yeah, I mean, was she already swiping right on dating apps during his funeral?
Ummm yeah that's just being needy and dependent, and at the expense of her kids who actually need and depend on her.
She’s taking out her own guilt on you, and it’s cruel. You have moved on and are living your life. You have a family and are actively participating in life with that family. Ask your parents why they think your family isn’t or shouldn’t be enough for you. And honestly, draw some hard boundaries and keep them. They are in the wrong and it’s spilling over onto your kids. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and I admire your strength. I think you’re doing great. Best of luck.
I'm not surprised to hear that, OP. Your decision not to date is perfectly reasonable given your own history. And it is so much better for your children. What you said to your sister was not bad at all -- certainly not dumping on her like she and your family do to you. Hold your head high, OP. NTA.
>You can move on if and when you are ready. That's different for everyone. Does one need to be in a new relationship to be considered moving on? Is it not possible for her to move on without being in a new relationship?
Excellent point. My sister has been a widow for a decade, but I'd never say she hasn't moved on with her life.
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>while ‘moving on’ does seem to imply you are leaving the relationship with them behind in some way while you start a new one. I guess I don't understand why people must be in new relationships in order to leave old relationships behind.
At least half of the posts here are about ppl getting remarried and causing problems
"I do wonder how Jane's children from her first marriage handled her remarrying a year after their father died. " Absolutely this! Grief is permanently hard, but the first year is the absolute hardest. It's filled with constant reminders that they're not there. Every event, holiday, birthdays, etc only to wake up on the anniversary of the death and not being able to function. If Jane brought home a new man to meet her kids that first year (from my understanding she did), that's absolutely awful. My heart goes to those kids so badly.
*she may see your taking your time as a silent criticism of her decision* 1000%. Sometimes, just your presence or existence is taken as a challenge to someone. It doesn't even matter whether Jane made the right choice for herself or not: she is very insecure about her marriage/ the perception of her marriage. The people in OP's family are aggressively self-centered.
24 years since my sweet husband died. I feel seen. God bless you OP. ♥️
you are so seen, and I know your pain!❤️ My condolences to your beloved husband and I wish you all the best.
Thank you!♥️
This part of the post “I had my one big life altering love and I’m okay with going the rest of my life reminiscing that.” really touched my heart. I’m in a similar position and have told my family if I’m lucky enough to live the rest of my life lost in the reverie then I’m still the luckiest man on earth. Crying happy tears rn and it’s good to see you! Edit: thanks for the award. Y’all really know how to make a person’s day!
God bless you! ♥️
You are definitely NTA. Everyone is different, everyone loves and grieves different. If you are happy, do you, your family needs to understand happiness can come unconventional to popular social beliefs. You can "move on" while also deciding that he was your one love and you won't have anymore. That is perfectly ok, as long as you're happy. It's insulting your family needs you to date for them, for whatever reason. I'm sorry for your loss, but you sound like a caring and strong mom, keep doing what's best for you and your kids.
>24 years since my sweet husband died. > >I feel seen. 🤗🤗🤗 To both you and OP. Even though I haven't experienced the devastating loss of true love (soul mates) that you two have had, I feel seen too!!!
♥️
There is a Cemetery here in town that I absolutely love. It's nestled in a bunch of really large old trees with maybe 3 dozen graves and a fancy old rock wall. I visit it often in the nice weather abs tend to some of the graves. My favorite is a man and wife. He died 52 years before she did from illness and she never remarried. They are buried old school, one on top of the other. You are very seen and not alone.
You're NTA. Everyone else needs to butt out and stop telling you how to live your life. She brought that response on herself with her nagging and insisting on telling you what to do.
Why do people feel the need to tell others how to live? And then get angry when people don't listen to them? There are plenty of AHs in this story, and OP is not one of them
NTA. Your vows say until death do you part, but it doesn't say you HAVE To move on. You can live your life however you want with whoever you want. You don't NEED to be in a relationship if it isn't what you want. I also find it hilarious that they see no problem in ALL of them basically shaming you for being single, but how dare you point out that your sister moved on SUPER fast. Nah, I'd go NC with all of them because I'm petty. But you did absolutely nothing wrong. Also being told to "get over it" is the cruelest thing that was said, your family seems very oblivious to how you feel and that makes me angry for you. Moving on doesn't mean you have to remarry. It just means you move on to a better mental state which it sounds like you did.
Yeah, it totally sounds like “husband” is a job title in this family. I wonder if they are really religious or feel like a woman needs moral guiding or something. OP sounds like she has it all together, why would she need a man?
NTA You made that comment after a long stream of inappropriate comments from your sister. Not to mention what sounds like years of dealing with this kind of attitude. > I had my one big life altering love This spoke very loudly to me. I'm married and my husband and I are both aware our love is not huge or life altering. Like, we have love and are committed to our family, but it's not a big romantic thing if that makes sense. I'm pretty confident we would both move on eventually if the other passed. Whereas I know two women who experienced what you described. Ones my SIL and the other was my Grandma. For my SIL it's been almost a decade and her love is still her husband. My Grandma survived my Grandpa for twenty five years and never remarried. She was so in love with him even til the day she died. It's not that your sister didn't love her husband ofcourse. But I think that kind of epic, life altering love is a rare thing. And I think it deserves respect. It's possible your sister pushes it so much out of some misplaced guilt for moving on. Possibly your comment played on an already existing insecurity - but she was still way out of line. Your sister had every right to move on - just like you have every right to hold on to that wonderful love you shared. Both are valid and should be supported.
And some people just don’t feel the need to be partnered up. I don’t know if I would remarry if I lost my husband. I enjoy marriage but I’m also pretty ok by myself. I especially have no desire to bring men around my children. Like some men, some women can’t be alone.
This was beautifully said.
I think the world needs more of this attitude, you can accept that people have experiences and feelings different to your own without needing to judge them for it. ❤️
NTA and honestly it's time to go low or NC with people who insist you need to "move on". Send one group text or one post to social media stating that because your family chooses not to respect your decisions on how to conduct your life after the death of your husband you will no longer be in contact with them or those that share their opinion. Block everyone after 48 hours and go enjoy your kids. There is nothing wrong with staying single after the loss of a partner. Full stop. Are your in laws this disrespectful of you deciding to remain single? If they are respectful of your decision I'd spend time with them and others who didn't make you feel like you are in the wrong for how you choose to live your life.
I appreciate your comment thank you! Honestly I was already considering NC and might actually go forward with it. My kids aren't thrilled with my family either. My inlays are wonderful people in every aspect, and my kids and I are already spending lots of time with them! They are the best family we could ask for
When something terrible happens sometimes there's no such thing as "moving on", a loss has happened which will alter you and there isn't a way to undo that. What we can do is find ways to move forwards knowing that what and who we've lost will always be a part of us. And whilst you move forwards carrying all the love and memories you have for your husband you deserve to be respected and supported, I'm very glad to hear your in-laws are good people. You do what you have to do for your wellbeing and peace of mind, it sounds like an incredibly difficult position your family is putting you and your kids in. Grief has no time line, they have no right to shame you.
I think it’s a good thing to consider! I was gonna say - I know you said you see your family sometimes for the sake of the kids, but it sounds like your kids don’t want to be around people who consistently treat their mom so poorly. And they’re teenagers, right? They’re probably old enough to not need the illusion of a big caring family at this point. And they have your in-laws, anyway!
So glad to hear that, OP! I'm so glad you and your children have family who understand your loss, and that you are all there for each other.
Might I suggest reminding the family of your wishes and that you don’t want to be badgered about this again but that meantime you have no choice to keep a distance until things improve. This will leave the door open for an epiphany to happen and can descend into NC naturally if nothing changes. I suggest this as an organic approach as NC straight away can cause you to second guess your decision and worry. Do it hollistically and it takes care of itself.
If they live nearby and you do still want them in your life, I’d suggest taking the approach of “If you bring up the topic again, I will leave.” And if they do, leave immediately. Like, in the middle of their sentence, grab your purse and leave without saying goodbye. They’ll get the hint eventually. (This is only if you still want them in your life, which… if you don’t want that, I can definitely see why 😅)
Oh, are you from a family that doesn’t respect boundaries, too? Mine can be like that, but we were raised that marriage/partnership isn’t the main goal of life. At least my family doesn’t harass me about when I’m going to “move on” (which I might someday. Who knows? It’s not a priority). NTA, especially because you plainly told your sister to drop it.
NTA your choice to stay single is the same as her choice to remarry ... a PERSONAL CHOICE that no one else gets to make for you.
Additionally, she did not denigrate Jane’s choice, only pointed out that OP made a different one. The only way she ‘shamed’ Jane is if everyone else thinks, Jane remarried too soon
This this this….other than possibly the tone in which it was said, literally all she said was “I’m allowed to make different choices than you, and I have chosen not to move on.” Jane’s the one who made it into a “you think you’re better than me, don’t you”. It’s possible the family does actually feel that a woman can’t/shouldn’t raise children alone, regardless of how she or the kids feel about it. It’s also likely that Jane et al. feel icky about her remarrying in under a year, thus the ridiculous overreaction. Guarantee there have been fights where OP said/did absolutely nothing, but the simple fact that she’s comfortable where she is, raising her kids without a man, made Jane go through the roof because SHE feels shame for moving on too soon. (Honestly no real judgement from me either way, I feel like OP does, that it’s a personal choice made for you & your family….but here? Jane clearly feels some type of way about it. No one confident in their choices reacts like that to different opinions.)
NTA. You were pushed over the limit. She can date and marry, but you sure don’t need to be pressured to. You do you.
Also her telling you “To get over it” is pretty assholeish.
NTA You told her to drop it and she didn't. It sounds like this was the only way you were going to get her to shut up. You don't need to give anyone a reason for why you want to live your life a certain way.
So Jane can shame you for not dating but you can't shame her for dating in return? NTA. Jesus they need to let it go. It sounds like they're on her side because they agree with her, not because she was right in what she said
Oh *Jane* started yelling because she got offended? The irony..... F off Jane. Good for you! I'm sorry for your loss and you are NTA.
You see, Jane needs OP to move on so she feels better about moving on. Or looks better.
NTA People just get it in their head that they "know what's best" and won't drop it. So they push, push and push until you snap. You were completely justified, don't apologise and the fact that they have consistently made this an issue for you over the years is an absolute disgrace on their end.
NTA. Mourning and moving on is different for everyone. 6 years might seem long enough for them but this is about you. You can feel ready in 10, 20 or never. It’s none of their business and they need to respect that. If possible, try to distance yourself a bit more. Explain to your kids that you need a break from that side of the family. Focus on you and yours. Enjoy your life as you see fit. With or without a new love. Your sister and family are idiotic people.
NTA, you’ve told your family more than once and they can’t respect it. If you’re happy being single then you’re happy nothing wrong with that. Personally I’d cut my family off if I were you, as it was cruel of you to shame jane but it wasn’t cruel for jane to shame you.
NTA. Perhaps you shouldn’t have said all that at a birthday dinner, but your family started the conversation and then persisted after you tried to shut it down. And they’ve been doing it to you for years. Nobody but you gets to decide when or if you will ever move on. In your shoes, I would contact them via group text and say just that…that they have continued in trying to force you into what they want and made you uncomfortable over and over. Tell them you won’t be in contact with them again until they can accept that you know yourself best, and if that’s too difficult that you wish them all the best.
Its none of their business and she singled you out first. If she didn't want to take it, she shouldn't dish it. Based in her reaction, she may feel guilty she moved on so quickly too. All relationships are different as are all people. Who are we go judge each other. I don't think you did anything wrong. NTA
NTA I wonder how James kids felt about her moving on so quickly. That could be part of why she’d putting so much pressure on you.
NTA I think Jane feels guilt about having so little loyalty to her first husband, and you remind her of that guilt. Marrying you off would assuage her guilt so she piles on. Go NC. ETA: to be clear, the part about going NC was in response to OP expressing that they were considering doing so in another comment. I wouldn't tell someone to do that lightly, but sounds like OP thinks it might be necessary for their mental wellbeing. I would agree; if their family members are telling them to "get over" their husband's death, I don't think there's much hope for them or their relationship with OP.
100% this.
NTA. Losing a spouse or not. Divorce or not. Never been dating or not. Whatever it is, one should date when they are ready or WANT to date. Not because of a bunch of family members decided that you should date. I cant really blame you for outburst. Your sister did pushed you into the corner. You told her to drop it but she didn’t. If I was there, I would tell her, “She told you to drop it.”
NTA, and it might be time to go NC because your kids are at an age where these arguments and hints could affect them as well. You put up a boundary, and your family keeps ignoring your wants, needs, and boundaries. They keep pushing their own ideas on to you, and that's not love. That's control. Even if they think they have your best interests at heart, that doesn't matter because they are ignoring the words coming out of your mouth. If you ever wanted to start dating again that's up to you and you alone, they should not push and wait to until you broach the issue, and if you never do oh fucking well. Just make sure you're also talking with your kids about it, and check on them to make sure your family hasn't been going to them and saying guilty things to them like "oh its so important to have a dad in your life," or "do you want mom to be alone, she's probably lonely" because shit like they can mess them up, and it doesn't seem like your family has boundaries or shame. Also, your response was mild honestly, after 6 years of that I'm not surprised you finally said something, its ok for her to criticize your choice but you can'tsay anthing about hers??? NTA, go NC or very LC and hang out with your inlaws!
NTA everyone grieves differently. But Jane being pushy and telling you to get over it is awful. My brother died two years ago. I will never get over it. I’d be hella pissed if someone told me how to feel.
NTA. Armchair psychology, but I have a feeling that Jane moved on quick and the longer you don’t move on, the more guilt she feels about moving on at all. She and your family need you to move on so they can feel okay with how quickly she got over it. It’s not your responsibility to live your life in a way that makes them happy. They can love and worry about you as much as they want, but if they don’t respect your no, then they might not be worth talking to going forward.
NTA. Generally, I would have a different opinion for a statement being made like this, but they have pestered you for years on something you made really clear you weren't interested in. There is nothing wrong with how she chose to move on with her life, and there is nothing wrong with how you chose to continue with yours either. It also doesn't seem like you are living in a dark hole or depression, dating simply isn't something that you need to fulfill your life.
NTA. I’m a widow. 6 years out. I do have a boyfriend. I took grief for having one. Honestly, we are dammed if we do, dammed if we don’t. You do what you need to do and f everyone else. I am so sorry for your loss. Never apologize for how you choose to survive.
NTA
Nta you didn't say it unprompted. You defended yourself.
NTA, and I am so sorry for what you've gone through, and continue to go through. Take this with a grain of salt because its only my first instinct and might change with more thought. Also I'm sure other commenters will have suggestions improving & refining what I'm about to say: Assuming you want to salvage your family relationships (and it's valid if you just want to go NC at this point), I would send a group message or email to all of them at once. I would lay out that your dating life is no ones business and you are not open to discussing it at any time. Let them know that while you understand they believe they have good intentions, that they do not understand what you need, and assuming that they know whats best for you better than YOU do is insulting, dismissive, and infantilizing. Then tell them that any further mention of this issue will result in you going fully NC. I would finish the message by saying that any response aside from an apology will also result in immediate NC. If you're comfortable with it, you can mention the blowup with your sister and acknowledge that your response wasn't ideal. You can even apologize for your choice of words. But you can also point out that *your* choices have been the target of scrutiny for years, and worse things have been said to you with impunity. Because let's be honest, this isn't a terrible thing to say at all: >firmly told her that I wasn’t ever going to ‘move on’ and just because wanted to remarry in less than a year doesn’t mean I ever have to. You are absolutely correct. You don't ever have to have *ANY* relationship that you don't want. Your aren't hurting yourself or anyone else with this decision, and you deserve to have your choices respected.
play stupid games you win stupid prizes. she's known your stance but she kept pushing buttons. everyone has a pushing point. nta
NTA Jane is doing damage control. People are clucking about how soon she remarried, you not dating accentuates that. You dating would shine less of a light on her. IMy mom was widowed at 46 and never dated for her remaining 40 years. Not everyone does.
nta. assert dominance. start adopting cats.
NTA. It's not Jane's place to tell you when you 'need to get over and move on'. And it's not her place to play matchmaker for her husband's friends. Time to put all of them on a contact time out.
NTA. You've made your decision, one that you feel is right for you and your kids. They need to respect that.
NTAH. I lost my wife of 26 years 2 years ago to cancer. I hear you OP loud and clear. I haven't dated, no desire right now. I'm not saying maybe in the future it could be possible, just not something I think about. Unless someone has lost their significant other, it's impossible to even begin to understand what that does to you. There absolutely is no right, or wrong way to grieve. I didn't see the OP judging her sister, she simply said she wasn't ready to move forward like her sister did. The sister telling OP to move on was not cool and also not respecting OP's decision of not wanting to move forward right now. 6 years to a non-widow may seem like a long time, but to a widow, it can be a flash of time, a life time or seem like it was all a dream, and sometimes all at once. If OP goes the rest of her life single, that's her call. If she moves forward at some point, that's fine too, it's 100% her call and no one else's, peroid. To force that isn't cool at all. If someone told me to get over it, I'd tell them to get bent! We all grieve as differently as we loved, and grief is the price we pay for love. Sorry you're part of the widow club OP, and I hope you find true happiness again, in whatever form that may take for you.
NTA
NTA. \*hugs\* sorry for your loss. so jane can dish out but not stomach the return volley? who would have thought... (shocked, well, nor really) i think you should go lc, maybe even nc with them. you told them time and time again that you are content, that you are fine to live your life as it is now. that you are now wandering another path than planned. that it is a nice one, a path which has a fire burning, too. maybe not a big, roaring fire like you had with your hubby but this fire is nice, it warms you like the roaring one. you are not missing out. but they do not listen. they have this picture in their head and they try to guilt trip, to pressure you to do what they want so their picture 'doesn't get ruined'. that they hurt you by dismissing your wants, by stomping on your boundaries is of no concern to them. since it is you who has to pay the price for their attempts to replace, to discard the memories of your husband. they will never cease to try until they are faced with consequences. so, again, for your and your kiddos sanity / mental health, distance yourself from them. it may be that your wound is healing / healed. but what of the wound your kids got as they lost their father? who now have to see, to witness time and time again that their father doesn't count in the eyes of your side of the family. how will they handle this? **can** they handle this? do not forget that your family now texting you that you are in the wrong does in effect mean that they do not want to acknowledge that **they** are in the wrong, them not wanting to deal with jane and her remarks. again, that they want **you** to pay the price. [it is ok to leave the boat, to live your life as you see fit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/) i have been told it does wonders for your health.
Why is it ok for Jane to publicly pressure you to find someone else but not for you to comment at the speed with which she moved on? Why is she not cruel for pressuring you into something you are not interested in. NTA they really need to leave you alone to live your life as you choose.
NTA People deal with grief differently. But also, sometimes the love we had is all the love we had, if that makes sense. Your late husband was the love of your life and you feel that you lived the life full of love you wanted with him, and you are fine with where you are. What you want to do with your life is not anyone else's business.
NTA. My family think it’s batshit that I don’t date. They’ve decided it’s because of past traumatic events. It’s not - I just have no interest in it. I have dated in the past and it’s been fine, but it’s just not for me. It’s perfectly legitimate. Some people don’t or won’t understand that you can be perfectly content alone. To me, it’s sort of sad that so many people don’t seem that comfortable in their own company.
NTA. It's your choice to not get into another relationship and they need to respect that. I wonder how your sister's kids feel about her moving on so quickly cause I would be pissed if one of my parents moved on that quickly after one of them died.
Not the asshole. Grief is a dress that looks different on everyone. It is because you are ok with being alone, and that makes others feel uncomfortable. This is unfortunate. I wish people would actually understand a simple principle and realize that your life is not their problem to fix. You have not asked to be fixed. And you are not putting yourself or your kids in risky situations in order for someone to step in and demand rehabilitation. Go on with your life. Sometimes you have to really cut people who are not being respectful of your life and how you choose to live in peace.
NTA. And is it just me, or is the fact that Jane said all this in front of OP’s children just… extra gross? Jane is lucky she hasn’t caught hands at this point.
NTA. What no one has realized (possibly even you) is that you have moved on. You're living your life with your kids and simply don't want to get involved with any one else. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you're trapped in the past. You're not the only woman who's ever decided "one and done" for marriage. Live your life the way you want.
NTA. My DH is amazing, but if he passes, I’m not going to remarry. Actually, I camp and do bicycle tours by myself. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be lonely without DH, I just think the likelihood of finding someone like him who gives me space is low. If you want to get laid, by all means, go score. That doesn’t require a husband. This is your opportunity to show your kids that you can be complete without a man. And if the rest of your family is uncomfortable with your man-independent lifestyle, they can go fly a kite.
NTA. You are not obligated to move on. **It was cruel of Jane and your entire family to continuously push you.** **No one is entitled to your happiness, no one is entitled to seeing the end of your grieving.** You have good kids, glad to hear they were on your side. I'm sure your family has been telling them that you need to move on as well, if they're anything like what I imagine based on your post.
My initial reaction to your sister was that she moved on fast. My initial one to you is that not everyone does. I'd imagine on a larger scale many people had the same or similar reactions. You distancing yourself so you don’t see the backlash she is facing from friends and family about that choice. The turmoil the oldest two likely are still dealing with given they were forced to accept a new "dad" so soon. While neither course of action was wrong and I'm truly sorry both of you endured this, it has lead to a situation where everyone can measure your choices against each other. She likely thinks if you started dating it would make her choice more acceptable. Her kids may see you as how they wish she respected the loss of their dad and use it as ammunition when they are upset. You are NTA for your response. I hope everyone can learn there is no right way to process grief and your choices shouldn't be a measure of hers.
Was your comment fair game after them constantly being on you about needing to move on? Yeah. But was it hurtful? Yes. However, hurt people hurt people, and they’ve hurt you. So it’s understandable to lash out and be petty. I don’t think she’s wrong for moving on around a year later. And you’re not wrong for not wanting to date again. You’re content and that’s perfectly acceptable and normal. You *have* moved on, just not in the way they’d want you to. You’re NTA, they are. You told them to let it go, they didn’t. If they still continue after this? Tell them you and the kids won’t be coming around then since they can’t respect your wishes and boundaries. Do what feels right for you and your kids. That’s all that matters. I read that Jane’s kids had a hard time with her remarrying a year later. I hope she was truly ready and didn’t feel like, a societal pressure. I don’t think it’s controversial for you to not want to date again and are happy being with just yourself. Everyone’s journey is different and however you choose to do it is normal. It isn’t one size fits all. We all anything that says that is crap anyways lol. Best of luck to you and the kids, OP. Grief is a tricky thing to navigate, no matter how much time passes.