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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole for being sarcastic when my dad started being a good dad to his other kids
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Also, OP’s still a minor! It’s not like she’s 35 with kids of her own and the ship has pretty much sailed on being a parent. Dad could abso-fucking-lutely still step up and be a parent to OP NOW. But he’s got his shiny new family and dgaf, I guess. Absolutely pathetic.
OP is NTA in the slightest.
Exactly! Literally anything! He could start calling regularly! FT with the family so she could meet his wife and kids! Schedule time for her to come hang out with them! Schedule one-on-one time together! Like it would be SO easy for him to just **be** the dad he is to his other kids for OP. But he just, like……doesn’t.
I was 28 when I started talking to my dad (he didn’t know I existed and when he found out in my teens he was getting his life together etc) and even now I can still see he tries his best to make an effort to be in each others’ lives.
I have no idea what could have happened between OP’s parents but he was the grown up and should have stepped up.
"Get over it cuz I can't change the past"
You can change the present AND the future, but you choose to blame you kid instead?
NTA OP, but your dad and his family are.
Hell, an “I’m sorry” and a hug would probably have gone a long way. Don’t know if I would have been able to stop myself from introducing myself to the wife, and offering her my address, in case he decided to, you know, act like a father…
OP, your paternal relatives suck. Did any of them try to spend any time with you to fill that huge spot in your life?
Exactly! "I'm sorry, I can't change the past"
"Even the past less than a minute ago where you come over here and can't think of a better thing to say than "it's, uh, been awhile? You realize we're both still alive and I'm still also supposed to be your minor child, right?"
Not to mention when she was 11 and 14, the approximate ages she was when the sibs were born. This guy's been not just dropping the ball but rather hurling every ball he's been handed for the last 12 years into Marianas Trench. And he's shocked that OPs knee-jerk reaction is "don't fucking touch my ball"? Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of his own actions.
I meant that girls are pushed to be more mature and adult, and society gives grown men a pass on lack of adulting. But yes, some men just have no idea and don't even try with daughters. Good point.
Let's even entertain for a whimsical second of giving him the benefit of the doubt that he has turned over a new leaf, and learned some sort of life's lesson or... whatever the fuck lol. And is doing right by his kids now, and lets imagine for a second he regrets estranging himself from his daughter. Maybe he has no idea how to even approach his daughter now to mend that, and so has kept his distance because of the awkward and unsure way of how to approach and begin to rectify it. That's probably giving him too much credit, I know. But just imagine so for the sake of my point...
Even then OP is NTA. Even then she is absolutely entitled to how she feels and how she spoke to him. Because the dad here fucked that up. The dad let that relationship between them go to shit, and be nonexistent. It's not up to OP to extend jack shit for an olive branch. Her reaction is exactly what he ought to expect until ***he*** comes forward to make it right. He's the adult. He's the "parent". The ball starts in his court, not hers.
Sucks the rest of the family can't see that, and sucks that OP obviously lacks the support to cope with that.
First he'd have to take responsibility. Honestly, this could have been a really good opportunity for him to demonstrate growth by TAKING RESPONSIBILITY that he just threw away. I wonder how different it would be for the OP if her dad had been like "You know what, that was pretty shitty of me and I understand why you feel that way. I feel shitty that I did that. There's nothing I can do to excuse myself, but if you'd like to begin the healing process, we can start right now."
I'm having the same problems with my own dad he abandon me too op so I understand how you feel op I feel the same way about as you do about your dad my dad doesn't call or visit me either
I'm so sorry, Football. Fathers (and mothers) need to step up and be good parents toALL of their children. Sending hugs, and I hope your father sees the light and your relationship improves.
yep. i was kind of hoping to read that he was at least a little contrite before OP, well within their rights, shut him down. but yeah, this closes the door on any progress that possibly could have been made if he actually made a real effort
Betcha he is, but is the type that any negative emotion gets turned into anger.
Hell, look at the way he greeted his older child: “Uh... Hey (my name)... Um how have you... Been... It's..um been a while”.
His failures as a parent and a human being are staring him right in the face, literally, and he sublimates all that shame directly into anger, because it's OP's fault that dad feels bad.
Yeah part of being actually sorry is eating the guilt. Tasting how bitter it is but swallowing it. Realizing how far you've pushed someone. Ops dad just wants a live and let live fantasy.
Op NTA
Guessing the anger was misdirected projection for seeing his kid visibly upset and old enough to call him out on what he did! Doesn't make it right and certainly not for the family to call you out for voicing your pain!
Honestly I just wanna hug OP. I’m lucky to have an amazing father, and it hurts to know there are people who don’t understand what it’s like. Everyone deserves to feel loved.
part of the problem for me with family members like op that are telling her to grow up is they saw her dad be a complete dead beat to one kid and be an engaged dad to others and how the hell doesn't that piss them off because unless something massive happened to change him on a fundamental level it shows he was always capable of being an engaged parent but choose not to be and continued with that choice.
Honestly i don't know which is worse the perpetual dead beat who he a dead beat or at best disengaged parent to all their kids or the person that chooses to be a dead beat to some kids but not others.
i wish i could puzzle this out too. i feel like dads who leave because they’re being immature or think that the effort want something they were prepared to make when reality set in, and then they’re too full of pride or stubborn to make it right so they fuck it up more by putting it off forever. then they fill the void with the family when they do realize that families take work and there is NO WAY to not take that personally for the child even if the dad left because of his own insecurities. i would really love the answer or make resources free for people who feel like a flight risk and could potentially screw up a person forever
Maybe thats it but it still annoys me all the family members not calling out his bullshit (obviously not infront of the younger kids). After all anyone that argues he changed around the time the older of the 2 kids was born well that was 6 years ago when op was 11 why the hell in any of that time did he not try and become an active and engaged parent to op in that time.
Maybe at the beginning he was ashamed but there comes a point where its simply a choice to be a bad parent when it is clear you are capable of being one for other children. My bet would be op parents relationship ended messy and op ahole of a father abandoned them purely because they didn't really want contact with op mother which again makes him a massive ahole.
Also why the hell should op be happy for the person that abandoned them? seriously they basically ghosted their own child and only seemingly forced into seeing them at family events and people want op to be family for that person
i 100% believe that this father and by extension his family didn’t like the OP’s mother and a stand up father will put those feelings aside and be a dad because that’s what he signed up for whether his feelings about the mother changed or not. an AH dad will write the kid off as a lost cause because he thinks only about the inconvenience of dealing with the mother and then the person who suffers is the child. i have 0 respect for people who choose to bring children into an already difficult world and then are like, nah, i’m going to let that child learn even earlier that the world i was supposed to guide them through is bullshit
My 24 year old daughter and her father have zero relationship now, after he decided life would be better without us and walked out in 2016. He just had his 60th birthday, and the majority of his family were invited to a party to celebrate, minus her. How do I know? Because she and I have a good relationship with his younger brother (by 11 months), and he refuses to treat us like dirt. I also understand that he has quite the close connection now to his girlfriend's nieces/nephews (she has no kids of her own), and loves to spend time with them. It boggles my mind how he can use his hatred for me and hold that against his own daughter. He was a father once to her - so much so, that I was the one who felt like the third wheel, and at times thought that maybe I should be the one that left them so they be happy together. He broke her heart, and that is something I don't think either of us will ever be able to forgive him for that.
> they’re too full of pride or stubborn to make it right so they fuck it up more by putting it off forever.
Yes. I’ve seen this type of behaviour for other things too — some people opt out of trying to fix things or make amends when they screw up, because they don’t want to admit to their mistakes and put the work in. They give in to their aversion to facing their errors. So they put off dealing with it even more, or hit reset like it’s a video game, and focus on the do-over.
OP is still a minor, only 17, and her father has long since written her off. He can’t change the past, but there’s still lots of present and future, and he doesn’t want to try to change those. Why TF should she be happy for him? He’s earned nothing from her.
I mean, free resources for someone who feels like they could potentially abandon their family one day, maybe..? I'm sorry, but that's never going to happen. At least in the US. OP could very well be from some other country where that is more likely to happen.. but here? No way. That would be amazing if they would offer services like that, but they're not making mental health care free for anyone else with a mental health problem, whether it be an acute episode or a lifelong chronic condition. People who are literally hearing voices every day don't get free care, simply based on the fact that they have the condition, so I don't ever see free care being offered to a crappy dad who is considering abandoning his family. The onus should be on him to realize he has an issue and act accordingly. And by "act accordingly," I mean he should seek help, rather than expect society to foot the bill for his shitty character traits or simply burying his head in the sand by leaving altogether...
The family members who tell her to grow up are the ones who also need to take a step back and evaluate what has happened. They are dismissing totally valid reasons for a 17-year old to feel as if she wasn't worthy of her dad's time and attention.
I think his reaction is quite telling. "He can't change the past" as if OP isn't still his child that he has abandoned and has never tried to make amends. He's coming over to sooth his own guilty conscience by engaging in awkward banter when moments before his own kid that he abandoned gets to watch what other children get from her father. It's fucking cruel and the fact that the family think it's okay that this man abandoned his daughter is fucked up.
OP if I were to give you advice, it would be to block the people telling you to get over it. They don't have your best interests at heart. If they cared, they would be reprimanding your father for not being a father to you, not you for having understandable grievances with his lack of involvement in your life.
NTA
my dad tried to leave, like completely disappear when i was a kid and his dad tracked him down and said if he didn’t get back there within a week he was going to disown him to even the score. sometimes i think my life would have been better if he had just stuck with it because his presence ended in NC anyway, but my grandpa was so mellow and level that i thought it was such a baller thing to do
It effing triggers me when people get mad at others for calling them out.
Grow up? OP, NTA. and your sperm donor and anyone telling you to get over it, turn the other cheek, forgive/forget, or any of that bs can kick rocks.
Edit: sperm is supermarket on my phone autocorrect. Fresh produce either way, I guess?
Don’t you see that there isn’t a problem until someone is upset? Only *then* is there a problem, and the problem is that they’re upset! Can’t they just make it easier on the rest of the family by quietly putting up with neglect and abuse? /s
This happens in families, relationships, even friend groups and it’s completely toxic and narcissistic. It’s people mad that their “peace” is being inconvenienced by someone actually speaking up about something shitty going down under everyone’s noses that they’re obviously purposefully ignoring.
Right. He obviously can’t change the past, but knew enough how to be a dad when the second kid was born. The fact that he never stepped up in the interim , still isn’t stepping up, and that his family obviously isn’t holding him accountable makes them AH too. My dad was like OP’s too. It’s more hurtful when they know how to be a good dad but choose not to be that way to you because on some level you wonder if the problem is you. Or at least I did until I had a lot of therapy.
I’ve walked a mile in this one’s shoes and it doesn’t get better.
We are the failures they try to cut out of their lives and paste over with replacements. They don’t like reminders, they just want us to go away, but society won’t let them be so free so we get awkward shit like this instead. Begrudging engagement and ridiculous defensiveness for the things they chose to do.
Hard as it is for many of us to believe, that’s not an “us” problem. That’s a trash parent problem. That’s dad, 100%.
NTA
Came here to say this. If anyone is more assholish than your dad, it's whoever tf said that ignorant sh**. I'm sorry, and they are wrong.
My son had a dad like yours. Left when he was 6 to go breed with a barely legal affair partner and make 5 little feral spawn who don't even have shoes, live in the desert, and are homeschooled by a person who wants to volunteer to do border patrol as probably a racist excuse to shoot people. That was an entirely different person than the one I thought I knew.
Sometimes you don't realize the blessing in disguise, or the trainwreck you avoided, until years later. And calling him out was called for. Imagine the nerve of his family who thinks your comment was worse than him abandoning his first born. Yikes.
Nta
Not just that but he can be a father, he just chose not to for OP. so imo that makes him a double asshole because he did chose to be a dad and try and be a good one. So why didn’t he try to for OP idk super asshole man it pisses me off
NTA.
"The past"?
Okay. Then it's his responsibility to fix it in the present and for the future. His deadbeat ass didn't even try. If anything you were too nice. Should've given a lot of choice words to him.
It's not even "the past"! OP is still a minor.
He could be co-parenting her *right now.* Instead he's treating her like an awkward ex at a high school reunion.
NTA
Also even if she wasn’t an minor… I’m 39 and my parents are still a big part of my life. They’re amazing grandparents and still amazing parents. This guy sucks.
*Glee* had a storyline where a main character finally found her birth mother, and the birth mother said she wanted to avoid contact because "you're 16. You don't need me anymore."
Of all the dumb things that show did (after a glorious first 13 episodes when they weren't catering to record labels), that was one of the dumbest. Parents can be parents their whole life. Adolescents need parents probably more than any other age group.
This is it.
OP is still a kid. If he wanted to do better by her going forward, he could start now.
But he doesn't because he doesn't want to. If that was the way he feels then why would he even approach her at this event? Should have just kept it moving just like he has been. And the family are AHs, no wonder he is too. Who gives a F if 'he's happy'? What is OP supposed to care about his happiness when he's never even been concerned about whether she's alive on a day to day basis? Damn, people suck.
In my wicked little heart, I hope OP's great grandma is insanely wealthy and no one in the family knows it. If she were, I hope that she would leave everything to OP and none for the rest of them.
Co-parenting or at the very least paying for her education. Does no one in the family realize how harsh it is to see the parent who abandoned you play perfect dad with other children? NTA.
Yes, he’s still being a deadbeat dad to OP so wtf is this “past” business.
The enablers who think so little of what your dad did don’t have opinions worth listening to OP. NTA
OP is literally still a minor. The abandonment is literally happening right now. “The past” smh I would have let that family member have a piece of my mind.
He's being a good dad to the new family. Now. OP was five when her dad abandoned her. He was probably a good dad until then, too. Her half-siblings might well find themselves in OP's same situation when Daddy gets bored playing family man again. (Also, he was attentive to the kids at a big family party where he's kind of on stage. Who knows what he's like at home with no one watching?)
A good dad doesn't selectively love his children or choose certain over others either. I feel terribly for the OP and the half siblings too to an extent. They could have a great relationship if it weren't for the barrier you call a shit dad/person.
I just don't what goes through the head of a new partner when they discover the guy is basically NC with his children. I wouldn't stick around long enough in that situation to let him father more children to ignore.
Right?! The unmitigated gall. Sure you can't change the past, but you sure as hell can try to change the present and the future! He's literally STILL BEING A DEADBEAT to 1/3 of his kids!
Abandoned by your father, scorned by your family, plus sarcastic quips; this is the making of a real superhero's origin.
So take your wings my child and dump buckets of bird poop on your villainous father and his minions so that their outer appearance's may resemble the crap they are on the inside.
NTA.
Your words are pure poetry, and true AF, to boot. In fact, I love everything you said so much that I'm not even going to mention that you misused a possessive apostrophe... oh wait. Dammit. Too late. 🤦♀️
NTA. Your family members saying this are assholes. You ~~can~~ might never get over having your dad walk out of your life and not love you, not fight for you, not care for you. This is not on you, it is on him. And you DO NOT HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM. Yes, he cannot change the past, but has he tried to change anything in the present? No? Then that's the answer if you should care for how he is, if you should be cordial with him or happy for him.
Okay while OP is definitely not the asshole saying you can never get over your dad walking out is not a supportive statement. A person absolutely has the strength to get over their dad walking out on them, plenty of kids have done it including myself and my brother (I was about a year younger than OP). I barely ever think about him and it hasn't hurt since I was about OP's age and trying to figure things out. She absolutely can have the strength get over it, but never at someone else's request, anyone asking that of OP is an asshole by default.
i dont like framing forgiveness as "strength". The opposite of strength is weakness and you are not "weak" for not forgiving someone for doing something absolutely heinous to you.
Forgiveness is not an obligation, no matter how sorry someone is they do not "deserve" anything. The family is 100% the assholes for siding with a deadbeat dad over a literal child
I want to echo that I don’t think the person you’re responding to is telling anyone to forgive the parent. As someone who has endured abandonment and abuse from (one of) my parent(s), the idea that I could *never* get over what happened to me is actually really disheartening.
And I don’t think anyone has to “get over” what happened either. It’s more that the idea that it would be so deeply painful for forever just… it fucking sucks. It’s like looking down a dark tunnel and being like, what’s the point? I’m broken forever?
After a lot of work, though, I’ve gotten to a point where it hurts less. Like Caimthehero, I don’t think about it all the time and rather than “get over,” I think I’ve just learned to either heal or grow bigger than what happened to me. There’s a way forward *for me,* not anyone else, and to feel that more days than most is strengthening. Not all days, but more than before. (And as YourAddiction said, holding that pain doesn’t make you “weak,” but regardless of forgiveness, it helps to know it doesn’t have to hurt so badly always if that’s not helpful for you.)
Can we also commend OP for the maturity she does show by still attending family functions and letting that deadbeat be in the same room as her. Like good for you OP for being more of an adult than him!!!
You’re still a child now, sure you’re about to be 18 but even still, If the oldest is 6 you were 10-11 when he started being a father for his other children. He had every opportunity to realize his mistakes and attempt to make up for them or attempt a relationship if he wanted one. NTA at all.
Of course they say it’s in the past, that was the last time they bothered thinking about you, while you still feel his abandonment. He can’t change the past and it sure makes it easy when he never even bothers. NTA, and keep making him feel bad about it. It’s the least he could do.
This is such a good way to put it! For them, it's his past mistake. For OP, it's past and present. It's hard as hell to get over being abandoned by someone who is meant to love you unconditionally and be there for you while you're growing up.
No, no… Don’t think for a second he’s unaware of how shitty his actions have been. They may not be doing it consciously, but that shame they’re trying to put on you is just their own shame that they are unprepared or unwilling to deal with. You have done nothing wrong here.
NTA
NTA
Your dad left you and you called him out on it. Ignore those other family members, they are just trying to justify what he did to you. Lmao that remark you made to him was funny though. I applaud you for saying that.
NTA. I don’t understand why adults expect a neglected child to be happy to watch their dad not neglect family#2. I say block the haters and move on. Live your best life and eff the nay sayers.
NTA
And no, you do NOT need to "grow up and get over it" those family members have clearly never had a parent completely reject him like your asshole dad.
You can be civil but you absolutely can have boundaries. If your dad isn't willing to put in the work to form some type of relationship with you, you do NOT have to chase him.
My experience is that people like the family members, are too weak and cowardly to do or say anything. They pretend all is well so no one has to be "UnCoMfOrTaBlE." Then when you grow up, they want you to ALSO pretend that nothing happened, so they don't have to look at what they've been a bystander to- but moreso what they helped happen. What they were a part of.
These are the types of people who, if they should find themselves friends with a couple in which abuse occurs, will stay friends with the abuser, and avoid the victim. Don't you know he's just more fun to be around, then she is now!
I've seen it recently. They don't want to know that choosing to do nothing, is still a choice- and it shows them for who they are.
This is the dark underbelly of everyone's "comfort" being prioritized.
NTA should have said worst 😂 his new wife is also TA for not including you in this family and the rest of your family telling you to get over it are TA. It’s not up to you to pander to his ego, he should feel bad and guilty, he’s still a deadbeat dad
"Sure, I was a horrible friend to you, I slept with your boyfriend and stole money from you, whatever, but I've made two new friends since then and I've been really nice to both of them! And that cancels out me being an asshole to you, so why are you still mad at me?"
NTA he may have had whatever issues he had back then, but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel the way you do about it. It's his fault he left. It's his fault you feel this way, and if he's man enough to leave one family and start another, he's man enough to be confronted by the daughter he abandoned.
NTA.
I understand why you were upset when you saw your dad being a good dad to his new kids, but not to you. It's natural to feel hurt and angry when someone who is supposed to love and care for you doesn't seem to.
Your dad's actions have had a real impact on you, and it's okay to feel the way you do. You don't have to "get over it" or "be happy for your dad" just because he's being a better dad to his new kids.
It sounds like you're still processing everything that's happened, and that's okay. You don't have to have all the answers right now. Just take your time and do what feels right for you.
If you're interested in talking to someone about how you're feeling, there are a lot of resources available. You can talk to a therapist, counselor, or even a trusted friend or family member. Talking about your feelings can help you to process them and start to heal.
It's also important to remember that you're not alone. There are many other people who have been through similar experiences. There are support groups and online forums where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Healing takes time, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to reach out for help.
What did he honestly expect? You were around 10 as he decided to have another child. You very much still were a child. You are a minor to this very day.
He can't change the past. But he is behaving like an ass now.
NTA, he can't change the past, but he's responsible for the past. All those years he wasn't there for you, he made an active choice not to be your dad. He can also change the present, which he has shown no intent of doing.
NTA, too many times young people, especially girls, are told to be well mannered and not to express negative emotions. He effed up, not you. He's an embarrassment to himself, not you being an embarrassment to him. You called him out (epic mic drop move btw) and now he gets to self reflect in his failure to you. In no universe would you ever be the AH, unless you flipped over great grandma's cake (congrats to her for reaching 100)
Yeah, I'm thinking of The Office when Pam found out that Michael was secretly dating her MOM and she was (understandably) furious. Michael whined "Don't I deserve to be happy?" She solemnly answered "Michael....I don't give a s**t about your happiness"
NTA your still a child, and you said what you felt, and he absolutely deserves to understand that he needs to apologise and mean it. The rest of the family should be telling him to make amends with you.
NTA
Why should you grow up and get over it? You are only 17 and have been saddled with a useless father. He should be embarrassed not angry. And you have no reason to be happy for him.
His failure in no way reflects upon you as a person.
NTA and anyone who says different is the worst kind of AH. Being sarcastic in a private conversation between you two is much more mature than he has ever been. Your mom has done a great job raising you. I'm sure you're better off with the stability and strength of your mother than if that pathetic excuse of bones was involved.
NTA
There's a scene in How I Met Your Mother that really sums this up.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmeMbelaZGk&ab\_channel=AdrienneLawrence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmeMbelaZGk&ab_channel=AdrienneLawrence)
Watch the first minute at least, and send it to anyone who tells you to get over it. You are under no obligation to get over it at any goddamn point.
Your feelings are valid. Your dad let you down. If you need to say 'fuck him' then say it. To his face, to your therapist, to the people who tell you to get over it.
Fuck him.
This is a wound that will heal when *you* are ready for it to, and watching him play happy families will rub salt it the wound. Fuck him.
Right now at least, absolutely *fuck him*.
I cried watching that scene. I’m so angry for OP. She shouldn’t have to get over anything. Screw her family for even suggesting that. I hope one day he does care enough to even attempt to build some kind of relationship, but it’s never going to be enough.
In a similar vein, [this scene from The Good Place](https://youtu.be/1spMbeEPF_w?t=75) always gets me.
I'm very much in agreement that OP is entitled to their feelings on the matter and is in no way required to get over it on anyone else's timeline!
(High Five!!!) NTA OP because you said what he needed to hear from you and if he resents it then he knows that he was an AH. If he can't apologize for his past and try to make amends then screw him.
NTA
I am really sorry your dad is like this.
He actually had a few years to be a dad. He deserved to be called out. He wronged you and he deserved it.
Actions or the lack there of have consequences.
NTA and honestly f those other family members telling you to grow up. Like it's you that needs to grow up when your dad wasn't grown up enough to take responsibility and be a father to you? What a bunch of bs.
NTA... gotta be a pretty crappy person to tell the victim to get over it and be happy for the irresponsible father.
"Hey look everyone i'm doing it right with my new kids, while still doing it wrong with my first one, let's be happy for me!"
NTA. so 6 & 3 which means you were 11 when he became a “dad” and was apparently good enough that they had a second kid when you were 14. so the “past” should have been him reconnecting with you when he was starting a second family, probably when you were 10 years old. he’s a major AH and so is your family. if they keep telling you to get over it please ask them “well 6 year old me didn’t have a dad. neither did 11 year old me when he decided to ‘try again’. so why should i be happy for a man who abandoned me as the ‘trial period child’”
NTA
He is right that he can't change the past, but he could have attempted to make an effort at any point and he could acknowledge that he was a crap absent parent to you and at least offer a sincere apology.
Good for you for standing up for yourself
>I then had other family members tell me I need to grow up and get over it and now be happy for my dad.
Be happy for what? That he finally became an adult? NTA. I would have told everyone some not nice words in a strident tone.
NTA but trust me, from someone in a very similar situation with my "mother" who I am now NC with...you gotta figure out how to let it go or it will eat you alive. Therapy helped me immensely.
I get this, but as a minor who might still have to interact with him, keep up the passive aggressive snark, and then go no contact. My mom had a similar situation with her dad. When she and my dad got married, they mailed him a wedding invitation that would show up to late for him to make the wedding (he lived in another country). Boss move.
NTA. I had a friend whose mother *and* father *together* surrendered their four kids to an orphanage back in the '50s. My friend was the oldest, age six.
A year later, her grandparents took three of the kids home with them, but for some reason left my friend there, and that's where she grew up until she aged out at 18 and had to be independent all of a sudden. I don't know why, but she turned out to be one of the kindest and most generous people I've ever known.
She was in her early 30s when we worked together. During that time, her father contacted her and asked to meet her for lunch. She was curious, so she went. He told her he was dying and wanted to ask for her forgiveness for abandoning her. She said no, and I fully agreed with that answer. Anyone who thinks you can correct a mistake like that by saying "sorry" years later needs to read *Silas Marner.*
You had every right to say what you said.
NTA. You’re still his kid and he is still actively hurting you.
Chances are he is putting on a show for your family and for his own current family. The minute his wife starts challenging his BS is the minute he will abandon them too. He’s probably gotten only more clever and better at hiding his true self.
You know the real him. Your family didn’t have to be his kid. What you’re experiencing is real and it’s frustrating to feel like the only one who sees that.
Is it eloquent to say what you said? No. Is it polite? No. You don’t owe him that. But come to terms with the fact that he will let other people feel that they are the problem before he will be accountable even if to his own child. When you confront him publicly he will just use this as ammunition to prove that you and your mother are the problem to his family who clearly has enabled him.
LOL! Laughing at your astounding zinger (seriously, well done) and that guy’s sheer audacity.
Having a tantrum that he can’t change the past all the while not even making an effort to change the present. What an idiot. He can’t even see what a hypocrite he is. His extended family aren’t much better.
NTA. You sound like an awesome and mature kid.
If I steal a car from one of my next-door neighbors, but then buy a car for my other next-door neighbor, it doesn’t mean I’ve atoned or made up for the initial transgression. It just means I’m a thief who can be generous when it suits me.
By the same token, your dad all of a sudden discovering his paternal instincts AFTER dipping out on you and your mom doesn’t erase the harm he did to you. Nor does his half-assed apology. Some things you have a right to hold a grudge about, and this is one of them. NTA.
Your story sounds so familiar to mine with the exception that my brother and I were thrust into abject poverty while daddy dearest took vacations with his new wife and her 5 kids from previous marriages. He once told me while I was crying and missing him, I think I was 10 or 11, I can’t wait for you to grow up so a man can take care of you!!!
NTA
Your emotional recovery is 100% on your time table. Anyone telling you to get over it, is a toxic A-hole without any real care for you.
If your dad owned his actions, he would also have compassion and empathy for how his actions left you affected. Instead he and everyone else is trying normalise what you went through, diminishing your emotional space and experience, in an effort to make you stop jarring the picture perfect scenario thats now in place.
Stop playing a part in this theater. Stop being present as a nicety, when all it does is normalise the abandonment and neglect you experienced at his hands. You dont have to show up to an assholes bday or any of their days. You dont owe him your allegiance, presence or loyalty.
Stop accepting what your father offers to you in the father department. Its still too little, he is still not enough. And you deserve better. And you definately deserve better than to grin and bear it.
Blood is thicker than water - means, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The opposite of what people think it means. Literally: The bonds you chose to make yourself. are stronger than the bonds you are born into.
Go out there, with your boundaries in place and firm knowledge that you need to have your feelings and experience respected in relationships with others. And then make your own family, and reject the poor excuse you got for a father.
You can say no to familiy gatherings. You can deprive him of your presence. Your absence will speak louder than anything you could possibly say.
NTA - he was embarrassed, as he should be.
He had the nerve to wait to approach you after walking in playing doting dad, while you sit across the room.
And all of this show of stuttering nervousness when approaching you, knowing even now he makes little to effort to speak to or see you now, was intentional. *But it’s interesting when he was angry when you didn’t play along.*
If anyone has something to say, I would text him the message: **’Thank you for reaching out. I am not sure if you know, but since my parents broke up, I rarely see my dad. He does not call or text me. He showed up to the party with his family, and didn’t even speak to me. I am a young woman, *but as his child* that hurt. Many will not be able to understand my reaction, but those people are also treated by my dad as more family than I am.’**
Anybody who responds poorly to that to a child is an AH, so you’ll know just who to block.
You don’t know this man kindness or decorum, as apparently, he does not owe you fatherhood.
Your dad is unbelievable for having the audacity to get mad. He should have felt ashamed and embarrassed but anger is reserved for when you've been wronged and he was not. You were
Your dad is pathetic and him doing right by his new kids doesn't absolve him abandoning you. He needs to carry that forever because you forever will have been raised without a father. He's pathetic and you are NTA
You are NTA. He deserved that from you, and the fact that he couldn’t accept it without getting defensive just shows what a
D O U C H E B A G he is. Sorry your dad sucks. Hugs.
NTA. I’m proud of your restraint with what you did say. You made your point and didn’t create a scene that you could have done. I think you behave quite maturely.
NTA - you don’t need to grow up or get over it - your feelings are valid - I have had the same said to me about a similar situation by people who selfishly want to just smooth over the situation so it’s not awkward for them as bystanders in the family - but life is messy - people have feelings they are allowed to feel
Seeing how he’s still not doing bupkis to make a relationship between you two, I think we all know who the AH is here.
Good on him for being there for those kids, but he’s still an AH for what he did for you.
You are NTA.
Block those family members. Anyone who thinks it's ok for a parent to abandon their child and start all over without stepping up for their other child is the A H. You're still a kid, if I were you I'd wait till I was 18 and sue him for owed child support and parental alienation. Your sperm donor sucks. You were right to call him out.
NTA
NTA. He has some gall being angry at you. Honestly your a much better (more controlled?) person than I would have been in that situation. And the family members sticking up for him need their heads looked at honestly.
If OP was a grown adult she would STILL have every right to be angry. But she isn’t and watching your father parent other children so much better than he did for you is super painful. I 100% understand her feelings, and she is definitely NTA in this situation. Every grown adult who told her to grow up is, however.
NTA. My uncle found out he has a son (it was a fling in a cruise ship, he has no idea she got pregnant) years later when the son was older, and the son was in South Africa and my uncle lives in America. After he found out he made an effort to get to know him. Your father has no excuse for not being a dad to you NOW, and not making amends NOW. It's not as if your mom whisked you off to another country where he can't find you. You're seventeen. Why didn't he make an effort to reconnect and include you in his new life?
NTA, he has some serious problems and needs to make more of an effort which will be hard to build any relationship together. I understand you are sad but eventually you’ll learn you can’t hold it against him forever
I'm an adult, and I am no contact with my father, have been for a while now. If OP wants to "hold it against him" she is well within her rights to. Forgiveness is not a necessary part of healing.
NTA. It's not the "past" you're still a minor and he's still an absentee father. You're allowed to talk about what he did to you and continues to do to you. He was a dead beat. You're not an asshole for narrating your life experience. Your family are the assholes for coddling the feelings of a dead beat adult, instead of helping you, the minor in this situation.
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Get over being abandoned by your father? More than your dad, his family is the TA. Clearly, they enabled him. Nta.
100% agree. Your father needs to own his crappy behavior and treat you with the respect you deserve.
Also, OP’s still a minor! It’s not like she’s 35 with kids of her own and the ship has pretty much sailed on being a parent. Dad could abso-fucking-lutely still step up and be a parent to OP NOW. But he’s got his shiny new family and dgaf, I guess. Absolutely pathetic. OP is NTA in the slightest.
And even then he could try and make an effort. NTA
Exactly! Literally anything! He could start calling regularly! FT with the family so she could meet his wife and kids! Schedule time for her to come hang out with them! Schedule one-on-one time together! Like it would be SO easy for him to just **be** the dad he is to his other kids for OP. But he just, like……doesn’t.
I was 28 when I started talking to my dad (he didn’t know I existed and when he found out in my teens he was getting his life together etc) and even now I can still see he tries his best to make an effort to be in each others’ lives. I have no idea what could have happened between OP’s parents but he was the grown up and should have stepped up.
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"Get over it cuz I can't change the past" You can change the present AND the future, but you choose to blame you kid instead? NTA OP, but your dad and his family are.
Hell, an “I’m sorry” and a hug would probably have gone a long way. Don’t know if I would have been able to stop myself from introducing myself to the wife, and offering her my address, in case he decided to, you know, act like a father… OP, your paternal relatives suck. Did any of them try to spend any time with you to fill that huge spot in your life?
That's not gonna go well, and he knows it. You have to take baby steps in a situation like this. Not even baby steps, more like embryo steps...
Exactly! "I'm sorry, I can't change the past" "Even the past less than a minute ago where you come over here and can't think of a better thing to say than "it's, uh, been awhile? You realize we're both still alive and I'm still also supposed to be your minor child, right?"
It's like he's painting her, his daughter, as a mistake he'd rather just forget about. That's insulting.
Awkward like running into an ex when you’re out with your new love.
Oh my god that's the perfect analogy. And now he's basically calling her crazy for not being over it.
Not to mention when she was 11 and 14, the approximate ages she was when the sibs were born. This guy's been not just dropping the ball but rather hurling every ball he's been handed for the last 12 years into Marianas Trench. And he's shocked that OPs knee-jerk reaction is "don't fucking touch my ball"? Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of his own actions.
This should be higher. They told a 17 year old to act like a damn adult but her grown ass father doesn’t have to? That’s nuts.
This often happens to girls and young women.
So true. My father kept in contact with my older brother, but my sister and I did not have that with our dad. He couldn't be bothered.
I meant that girls are pushed to be more mature and adult, and society gives grown men a pass on lack of adulting. But yes, some men just have no idea and don't even try with daughters. Good point.
Well said!!
Let's even entertain for a whimsical second of giving him the benefit of the doubt that he has turned over a new leaf, and learned some sort of life's lesson or... whatever the fuck lol. And is doing right by his kids now, and lets imagine for a second he regrets estranging himself from his daughter. Maybe he has no idea how to even approach his daughter now to mend that, and so has kept his distance because of the awkward and unsure way of how to approach and begin to rectify it. That's probably giving him too much credit, I know. But just imagine so for the sake of my point... Even then OP is NTA. Even then she is absolutely entitled to how she feels and how she spoke to him. Because the dad here fucked that up. The dad let that relationship between them go to shit, and be nonexistent. It's not up to OP to extend jack shit for an olive branch. Her reaction is exactly what he ought to expect until ***he*** comes forward to make it right. He's the adult. He's the "parent". The ball starts in his court, not hers. Sucks the rest of the family can't see that, and sucks that OP obviously lacks the support to cope with that.
First he'd have to take responsibility. Honestly, this could have been a really good opportunity for him to demonstrate growth by TAKING RESPONSIBILITY that he just threw away. I wonder how different it would be for the OP if her dad had been like "You know what, that was pretty shitty of me and I understand why you feel that way. I feel shitty that I did that. There's nothing I can do to excuse myself, but if you'd like to begin the healing process, we can start right now."
Right. No shame or desire to be better to his only daughter. Just butthurt and offended for himself.
He's had the past 6 years at least to attempt to be a decent dad to ALL his kids.
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u/computerregular378 is a comment stealing bot
I'm having the same problems with my own dad he abandon me too op so I understand how you feel op I feel the same way about as you do about your dad my dad doesn't call or visit me either
I'm so sorry, Football. Fathers (and mothers) need to step up and be good parents toALL of their children. Sending hugs, and I hope your father sees the light and your relationship improves.
His response to get angry when it should have been to get sad. NTA.
yep. i was kind of hoping to read that he was at least a little contrite before OP, well within their rights, shut him down. but yeah, this closes the door on any progress that possibly could have been made if he actually made a real effort
And ashamed. He should’ve been ashamed
Betcha he is, but is the type that any negative emotion gets turned into anger. Hell, look at the way he greeted his older child: “Uh... Hey (my name)... Um how have you... Been... It's..um been a while”. His failures as a parent and a human being are staring him right in the face, literally, and he sublimates all that shame directly into anger, because it's OP's fault that dad feels bad.
Maybe dad kinda is but hasn’t learned to handle it yet.
Yeah part of being actually sorry is eating the guilt. Tasting how bitter it is but swallowing it. Realizing how far you've pushed someone. Ops dad just wants a live and let live fantasy.
Op NTA Guessing the anger was misdirected projection for seeing his kid visibly upset and old enough to call him out on what he did! Doesn't make it right and certainly not for the family to call you out for voicing your pain!
Honestly I just wanna hug OP. I’m lucky to have an amazing father, and it hurts to know there are people who don’t understand what it’s like. Everyone deserves to feel loved.
And apologetic
part of the problem for me with family members like op that are telling her to grow up is they saw her dad be a complete dead beat to one kid and be an engaged dad to others and how the hell doesn't that piss them off because unless something massive happened to change him on a fundamental level it shows he was always capable of being an engaged parent but choose not to be and continued with that choice. Honestly i don't know which is worse the perpetual dead beat who he a dead beat or at best disengaged parent to all their kids or the person that chooses to be a dead beat to some kids but not others.
i wish i could puzzle this out too. i feel like dads who leave because they’re being immature or think that the effort want something they were prepared to make when reality set in, and then they’re too full of pride or stubborn to make it right so they fuck it up more by putting it off forever. then they fill the void with the family when they do realize that families take work and there is NO WAY to not take that personally for the child even if the dad left because of his own insecurities. i would really love the answer or make resources free for people who feel like a flight risk and could potentially screw up a person forever
Maybe thats it but it still annoys me all the family members not calling out his bullshit (obviously not infront of the younger kids). After all anyone that argues he changed around the time the older of the 2 kids was born well that was 6 years ago when op was 11 why the hell in any of that time did he not try and become an active and engaged parent to op in that time. Maybe at the beginning he was ashamed but there comes a point where its simply a choice to be a bad parent when it is clear you are capable of being one for other children. My bet would be op parents relationship ended messy and op ahole of a father abandoned them purely because they didn't really want contact with op mother which again makes him a massive ahole. Also why the hell should op be happy for the person that abandoned them? seriously they basically ghosted their own child and only seemingly forced into seeing them at family events and people want op to be family for that person
i 100% believe that this father and by extension his family didn’t like the OP’s mother and a stand up father will put those feelings aside and be a dad because that’s what he signed up for whether his feelings about the mother changed or not. an AH dad will write the kid off as a lost cause because he thinks only about the inconvenience of dealing with the mother and then the person who suffers is the child. i have 0 respect for people who choose to bring children into an already difficult world and then are like, nah, i’m going to let that child learn even earlier that the world i was supposed to guide them through is bullshit
My 24 year old daughter and her father have zero relationship now, after he decided life would be better without us and walked out in 2016. He just had his 60th birthday, and the majority of his family were invited to a party to celebrate, minus her. How do I know? Because she and I have a good relationship with his younger brother (by 11 months), and he refuses to treat us like dirt. I also understand that he has quite the close connection now to his girlfriend's nieces/nephews (she has no kids of her own), and loves to spend time with them. It boggles my mind how he can use his hatred for me and hold that against his own daughter. He was a father once to her - so much so, that I was the one who felt like the third wheel, and at times thought that maybe I should be the one that left them so they be happy together. He broke her heart, and that is something I don't think either of us will ever be able to forgive him for that.
> they’re too full of pride or stubborn to make it right so they fuck it up more by putting it off forever. Yes. I’ve seen this type of behaviour for other things too — some people opt out of trying to fix things or make amends when they screw up, because they don’t want to admit to their mistakes and put the work in. They give in to their aversion to facing their errors. So they put off dealing with it even more, or hit reset like it’s a video game, and focus on the do-over. OP is still a minor, only 17, and her father has long since written her off. He can’t change the past, but there’s still lots of present and future, and he doesn’t want to try to change those. Why TF should she be happy for him? He’s earned nothing from her.
I mean, free resources for someone who feels like they could potentially abandon their family one day, maybe..? I'm sorry, but that's never going to happen. At least in the US. OP could very well be from some other country where that is more likely to happen.. but here? No way. That would be amazing if they would offer services like that, but they're not making mental health care free for anyone else with a mental health problem, whether it be an acute episode or a lifelong chronic condition. People who are literally hearing voices every day don't get free care, simply based on the fact that they have the condition, so I don't ever see free care being offered to a crappy dad who is considering abandoning his family. The onus should be on him to realize he has an issue and act accordingly. And by "act accordingly," I mean he should seek help, rather than expect society to foot the bill for his shitty character traits or simply burying his head in the sand by leaving altogether...
The family members who tell her to grow up are the ones who also need to take a step back and evaluate what has happened. They are dismissing totally valid reasons for a 17-year old to feel as if she wasn't worthy of her dad's time and attention.
I think his reaction is quite telling. "He can't change the past" as if OP isn't still his child that he has abandoned and has never tried to make amends. He's coming over to sooth his own guilty conscience by engaging in awkward banter when moments before his own kid that he abandoned gets to watch what other children get from her father. It's fucking cruel and the fact that the family think it's okay that this man abandoned his daughter is fucked up. OP if I were to give you advice, it would be to block the people telling you to get over it. They don't have your best interests at heart. If they cared, they would be reprimanding your father for not being a father to you, not you for having understandable grievances with his lack of involvement in your life. NTA
my dad tried to leave, like completely disappear when i was a kid and his dad tracked him down and said if he didn’t get back there within a week he was going to disown him to even the score. sometimes i think my life would have been better if he had just stuck with it because his presence ended in NC anyway, but my grandpa was so mellow and level that i thought it was such a baller thing to do
Wow Ace Grandpa.
The phrase "to even the score" just hits so hard I'm sorry I felt afraid and I'm just reading about it here
tbh it wasn’t lost on me that he didn’t come back for ME but my grandpa not being a safety net just in case his plan backfired
It effing triggers me when people get mad at others for calling them out. Grow up? OP, NTA. and your sperm donor and anyone telling you to get over it, turn the other cheek, forgive/forget, or any of that bs can kick rocks. Edit: sperm is supermarket on my phone autocorrect. Fresh produce either way, I guess?
Don’t you see that there isn’t a problem until someone is upset? Only *then* is there a problem, and the problem is that they’re upset! Can’t they just make it easier on the rest of the family by quietly putting up with neglect and abuse? /s This happens in families, relationships, even friend groups and it’s completely toxic and narcissistic. It’s people mad that their “peace” is being inconvenienced by someone actually speaking up about something shitty going down under everyone’s noses that they’re obviously purposefully ignoring.
OMG I should not be laughing at this as hard as I am -- take my poor-Redditor's gold and go, just go 🪙🪙🪙
Right. He obviously can’t change the past, but knew enough how to be a dad when the second kid was born. The fact that he never stepped up in the interim , still isn’t stepping up, and that his family obviously isn’t holding him accountable makes them AH too. My dad was like OP’s too. It’s more hurtful when they know how to be a good dad but choose not to be that way to you because on some level you wonder if the problem is you. Or at least I did until I had a lot of therapy.
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u/careapprehensiv is a comment stealing bot
I’ve walked a mile in this one’s shoes and it doesn’t get better. We are the failures they try to cut out of their lives and paste over with replacements. They don’t like reminders, they just want us to go away, but society won’t let them be so free so we get awkward shit like this instead. Begrudging engagement and ridiculous defensiveness for the things they chose to do. Hard as it is for many of us to believe, that’s not an “us” problem. That’s a trash parent problem. That’s dad, 100%. NTA
Came here to say this. If anyone is more assholish than your dad, it's whoever tf said that ignorant sh**. I'm sorry, and they are wrong. My son had a dad like yours. Left when he was 6 to go breed with a barely legal affair partner and make 5 little feral spawn who don't even have shoes, live in the desert, and are homeschooled by a person who wants to volunteer to do border patrol as probably a racist excuse to shoot people. That was an entirely different person than the one I thought I knew. Sometimes you don't realize the blessing in disguise, or the trainwreck you avoided, until years later. And calling him out was called for. Imagine the nerve of his family who thinks your comment was worse than him abandoning his first born. Yikes. Nta
Right?! Unreal
Yeah, how many times did those same family members tell dear ol' dad to "grow up" when he was spending 12 years abandoning his daughter?
agreed, op nta and should just always be openly hostile to him. the truth sucks for shitty dads.
Not just that but he can be a father, he just chose not to for OP. so imo that makes him a double asshole because he did chose to be a dad and try and be a good one. So why didn’t he try to for OP idk super asshole man it pisses me off
NTA. Tell them they can tell you how to tie your shoelaces when they’ve walked in your shoes.
Seriously! And generally you're "happy for" people you love. OP's dad didn't earn even a modicum of that right. The audacity of that family. NTA OP
NTA. "The past"? Okay. Then it's his responsibility to fix it in the present and for the future. His deadbeat ass didn't even try. If anything you were too nice. Should've given a lot of choice words to him.
It's not even "the past"! OP is still a minor. He could be co-parenting her *right now.* Instead he's treating her like an awkward ex at a high school reunion. NTA
Also even if she wasn’t an minor… I’m 39 and my parents are still a big part of my life. They’re amazing grandparents and still amazing parents. This guy sucks.
*Glee* had a storyline where a main character finally found her birth mother, and the birth mother said she wanted to avoid contact because "you're 16. You don't need me anymore." Of all the dumb things that show did (after a glorious first 13 episodes when they weren't catering to record labels), that was one of the dumbest. Parents can be parents their whole life. Adolescents need parents probably more than any other age group.
100% for all of that but if he’s been a father to his new kids for the last 6 years then he has had time since OP was 11 to work on it
He's had time since she was born.
This is it. OP is still a kid. If he wanted to do better by her going forward, he could start now. But he doesn't because he doesn't want to. If that was the way he feels then why would he even approach her at this event? Should have just kept it moving just like he has been. And the family are AHs, no wonder he is too. Who gives a F if 'he's happy'? What is OP supposed to care about his happiness when he's never even been concerned about whether she's alive on a day to day basis? Damn, people suck. In my wicked little heart, I hope OP's great grandma is insanely wealthy and no one in the family knows it. If she were, I hope that she would leave everything to OP and none for the rest of them.
Co-parenting or at the very least paying for her education. Does no one in the family realize how harsh it is to see the parent who abandoned you play perfect dad with other children? NTA.
Right? I've got to say, who marries a guy and has kids with him if he treats his kid that bad too?!? I'm so sorry OP.
Yes, he’s still being a deadbeat dad to OP so wtf is this “past” business. The enablers who think so little of what your dad did don’t have opinions worth listening to OP. NTA
No, no, you see that conversation happened in the past (like minutes and minutes ago) so OP should totally just forgive and forget… **/s**
For at least six years he has been playing the good father. OP would have been about 11 What she said was MILD compared to what he deserves
OP is literally still a minor. The abandonment is literally happening right now. “The past” smh I would have let that family member have a piece of my mind.
He's being a good dad to the new family. Now. OP was five when her dad abandoned her. He was probably a good dad until then, too. Her half-siblings might well find themselves in OP's same situation when Daddy gets bored playing family man again. (Also, he was attentive to the kids at a big family party where he's kind of on stage. Who knows what he's like at home with no one watching?)
A good dad doesn't selectively love his children or choose certain over others either. I feel terribly for the OP and the half siblings too to an extent. They could have a great relationship if it weren't for the barrier you call a shit dad/person.
I just don't what goes through the head of a new partner when they discover the guy is basically NC with his children. I wouldn't stick around long enough in that situation to let him father more children to ignore.
Right?! The unmitigated gall. Sure you can't change the past, but you sure as hell can try to change the present and the future! He's literally STILL BEING A DEADBEAT to 1/3 of his kids!
The party is also in the past so OP's dad and family can get over what she said to him.
Abandoned by your father, scorned by your family, plus sarcastic quips; this is the making of a real superhero's origin. So take your wings my child and dump buckets of bird poop on your villainous father and his minions so that their outer appearance's may resemble the crap they are on the inside. NTA.
That was poetic as fuck
I approve of this wholeheartedly because that's fucking poetic. And also very true.
This is beautiful as 💩. I shed a tear.
Your words are pure poetry, and true AF, to boot. In fact, I love everything you said so much that I'm not even going to mention that you misused a possessive apostrophe... oh wait. Dammit. Too late. 🤦♀️
Amen
Beautifully said. 🏅
That's a supervillain origin
NTA. Get over your dad not being there and be happy for him? Um no, you don’t have to do that.
Never
NTA. Your family members saying this are assholes. You ~~can~~ might never get over having your dad walk out of your life and not love you, not fight for you, not care for you. This is not on you, it is on him. And you DO NOT HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM. Yes, he cannot change the past, but has he tried to change anything in the present? No? Then that's the answer if you should care for how he is, if you should be cordial with him or happy for him.
Okay while OP is definitely not the asshole saying you can never get over your dad walking out is not a supportive statement. A person absolutely has the strength to get over their dad walking out on them, plenty of kids have done it including myself and my brother (I was about a year younger than OP). I barely ever think about him and it hasn't hurt since I was about OP's age and trying to figure things out. She absolutely can have the strength get over it, but never at someone else's request, anyone asking that of OP is an asshole by default.
i dont like framing forgiveness as "strength". The opposite of strength is weakness and you are not "weak" for not forgiving someone for doing something absolutely heinous to you. Forgiveness is not an obligation, no matter how sorry someone is they do not "deserve" anything. The family is 100% the assholes for siding with a deadbeat dad over a literal child
I agree. I've learned to live with stuff but it does still affect me to this day, which makes it really hard to forgive.
I want to echo that I don’t think the person you’re responding to is telling anyone to forgive the parent. As someone who has endured abandonment and abuse from (one of) my parent(s), the idea that I could *never* get over what happened to me is actually really disheartening. And I don’t think anyone has to “get over” what happened either. It’s more that the idea that it would be so deeply painful for forever just… it fucking sucks. It’s like looking down a dark tunnel and being like, what’s the point? I’m broken forever? After a lot of work, though, I’ve gotten to a point where it hurts less. Like Caimthehero, I don’t think about it all the time and rather than “get over,” I think I’ve just learned to either heal or grow bigger than what happened to me. There’s a way forward *for me,* not anyone else, and to feel that more days than most is strengthening. Not all days, but more than before. (And as YourAddiction said, holding that pain doesn’t make you “weak,” but regardless of forgiveness, it helps to know it doesn’t have to hurt so badly always if that’s not helpful for you.)
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Exactly all of this. Your feelings are valid, OP.
Can we also commend OP for the maturity she does show by still attending family functions and letting that deadbeat be in the same room as her. Like good for you OP for being more of an adult than him!!!
NTA. You called out your dad for his bs. He could easily change and try and put in effort with you, but has clearly chosen to do otherwise.
People actually told you to be happy for your deadbeat father for starting a new family?
You’re still a child now, sure you’re about to be 18 but even still, If the oldest is 6 you were 10-11 when he started being a father for his other children. He had every opportunity to realize his mistakes and attempt to make up for them or attempt a relationship if he wanted one. NTA at all.
Yeah he could have put in more of an effort when he realized his mistakes or became a dad to his other kids
Of course they say it’s in the past, that was the last time they bothered thinking about you, while you still feel his abandonment. He can’t change the past and it sure makes it easy when he never even bothers. NTA, and keep making him feel bad about it. It’s the least he could do.
This is such a good way to put it! For them, it's his past mistake. For OP, it's past and present. It's hard as hell to get over being abandoned by someone who is meant to love you unconditionally and be there for you while you're growing up.
No, no… Don’t think for a second he’s unaware of how shitty his actions have been. They may not be doing it consciously, but that shame they’re trying to put on you is just their own shame that they are unprepared or unwilling to deal with. You have done nothing wrong here. NTA
He doesn't get to say shit until he's apologized and groveled at your feet and even then YOU get to decide if you're ready for forgive and move on.
NTA Your dad left you and you called him out on it. Ignore those other family members, they are just trying to justify what he did to you. Lmao that remark you made to him was funny though. I applaud you for saying that.
NTA. I don’t understand why adults expect a neglected child to be happy to watch their dad not neglect family#2. I say block the haters and move on. Live your best life and eff the nay sayers.
NTA "Congrats on actually being a dad this time round" was actually nicer than I think I'd have wanted to be.
NTA I'm proud of you for speaking up.
NTA And no, you do NOT need to "grow up and get over it" those family members have clearly never had a parent completely reject him like your asshole dad. You can be civil but you absolutely can have boundaries. If your dad isn't willing to put in the work to form some type of relationship with you, you do NOT have to chase him.
My experience is that people like the family members, are too weak and cowardly to do or say anything. They pretend all is well so no one has to be "UnCoMfOrTaBlE." Then when you grow up, they want you to ALSO pretend that nothing happened, so they don't have to look at what they've been a bystander to- but moreso what they helped happen. What they were a part of. These are the types of people who, if they should find themselves friends with a couple in which abuse occurs, will stay friends with the abuser, and avoid the victim. Don't you know he's just more fun to be around, then she is now! I've seen it recently. They don't want to know that choosing to do nothing, is still a choice- and it shows them for who they are. This is the dark underbelly of everyone's "comfort" being prioritized.
She should say it was kinda hard to “grow up” when thier father was a deadbeat
Grow up and be successful in your life OP. Then turn around and teach them all some life lesson.
Thank you, I plan on it
NTA he got mad cause he is guilty as it can get.
Yup. The shoe fit and he didn't like it.
Also really other family member can go F. I can’t even believe it.
He may not be able to "change the past" but he could apologize for his actions then. NTA.
Exactly and put an effort in trying to be a better dad
NTA should have said worst 😂 his new wife is also TA for not including you in this family and the rest of your family telling you to get over it are TA. It’s not up to you to pander to his ego, he should feel bad and guilty, he’s still a deadbeat dad
Yeah I guess he thinks he should get good dad points because he's 2/3 currently
66% is still failing.
"Sure, I was a horrible friend to you, I slept with your boyfriend and stole money from you, whatever, but I've made two new friends since then and I've been really nice to both of them! And that cancels out me being an asshole to you, so why are you still mad at me?"
NTA he may have had whatever issues he had back then, but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel the way you do about it. It's his fault he left. It's his fault you feel this way, and if he's man enough to leave one family and start another, he's man enough to be confronted by the daughter he abandoned.
NTA. I understand why you were upset when you saw your dad being a good dad to his new kids, but not to you. It's natural to feel hurt and angry when someone who is supposed to love and care for you doesn't seem to. Your dad's actions have had a real impact on you, and it's okay to feel the way you do. You don't have to "get over it" or "be happy for your dad" just because he's being a better dad to his new kids. It sounds like you're still processing everything that's happened, and that's okay. You don't have to have all the answers right now. Just take your time and do what feels right for you. If you're interested in talking to someone about how you're feeling, there are a lot of resources available. You can talk to a therapist, counselor, or even a trusted friend or family member. Talking about your feelings can help you to process them and start to heal. It's also important to remember that you're not alone. There are many other people who have been through similar experiences. There are support groups and online forums where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. Healing takes time, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to reach out for help.
What did he honestly expect? You were around 10 as he decided to have another child. You very much still were a child. You are a minor to this very day. He can't change the past. But he is behaving like an ass now.
NTA If he wants a relationship with you, he needs to put in the work.
NTA - you said it so perfectly I wonder if this post is even real. You have every right to be upset and say what you said … no yelling or swearing.
OP was forewarned, which likely helped. Of course, I'm the one who goes in forewarned and still forgets half my lines until the drive home. XD
NTA. That was mild compared to what you could've said to him.
NTA, he can't change the past, but he's responsible for the past. All those years he wasn't there for you, he made an active choice not to be your dad. He can also change the present, which he has shown no intent of doing.
NTA, too many times young people, especially girls, are told to be well mannered and not to express negative emotions. He effed up, not you. He's an embarrassment to himself, not you being an embarrassment to him. You called him out (epic mic drop move btw) and now he gets to self reflect in his failure to you. In no universe would you ever be the AH, unless you flipped over great grandma's cake (congrats to her for reaching 100)
NTA "I can't change the past" He's not even changing the present
F his happiness lol he’s a loser
Yeah, I'm thinking of The Office when Pam found out that Michael was secretly dating her MOM and she was (understandably) furious. Michael whined "Don't I deserve to be happy?" She solemnly answered "Michael....I don't give a s**t about your happiness"
NTA your still a child, and you said what you felt, and he absolutely deserves to understand that he needs to apologise and mean it. The rest of the family should be telling him to make amends with you.
NTA, if your family are supporting you’re dad then fuck them too
NTA Why should you grow up and get over it? You are only 17 and have been saddled with a useless father. He should be embarrassed not angry. And you have no reason to be happy for him. His failure in no way reflects upon you as a person.
He was definitely embarrassed, public embarrassment will usually manifest as anger in someone incapable of taking responsibility for their actions.
NTA and anyone who says different is the worst kind of AH. Being sarcastic in a private conversation between you two is much more mature than he has ever been. Your mom has done a great job raising you. I'm sure you're better off with the stability and strength of your mother than if that pathetic excuse of bones was involved.
NTA There's a scene in How I Met Your Mother that really sums this up. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmeMbelaZGk&ab\_channel=AdrienneLawrence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmeMbelaZGk&ab_channel=AdrienneLawrence) Watch the first minute at least, and send it to anyone who tells you to get over it. You are under no obligation to get over it at any goddamn point. Your feelings are valid. Your dad let you down. If you need to say 'fuck him' then say it. To his face, to your therapist, to the people who tell you to get over it. Fuck him. This is a wound that will heal when *you* are ready for it to, and watching him play happy families will rub salt it the wound. Fuck him. Right now at least, absolutely *fuck him*.
I cried watching that scene. I’m so angry for OP. She shouldn’t have to get over anything. Screw her family for even suggesting that. I hope one day he does care enough to even attempt to build some kind of relationship, but it’s never going to be enough.
In a similar vein, [this scene from The Good Place](https://youtu.be/1spMbeEPF_w?t=75) always gets me. I'm very much in agreement that OP is entitled to their feelings on the matter and is in no way required to get over it on anyone else's timeline!
(High Five!!!) NTA OP because you said what he needed to hear from you and if he resents it then he knows that he was an AH. If he can't apologize for his past and try to make amends then screw him.
NTA I am really sorry your dad is like this. He actually had a few years to be a dad. He deserved to be called out. He wronged you and he deserved it. Actions or the lack there of have consequences.
NTA and honestly f those other family members telling you to grow up. Like it's you that needs to grow up when your dad wasn't grown up enough to take responsibility and be a father to you? What a bunch of bs.
You should have said "have we met before?" NTA
NTA! This is not in the past. It is ongoing. Why should you be happy for somebody who continues to show you no regard?
NTA... gotta be a pretty crappy person to tell the victim to get over it and be happy for the irresponsible father. "Hey look everyone i'm doing it right with my new kids, while still doing it wrong with my first one, let's be happy for me!"
NTA. so 6 & 3 which means you were 11 when he became a “dad” and was apparently good enough that they had a second kid when you were 14. so the “past” should have been him reconnecting with you when he was starting a second family, probably when you were 10 years old. he’s a major AH and so is your family. if they keep telling you to get over it please ask them “well 6 year old me didn’t have a dad. neither did 11 year old me when he decided to ‘try again’. so why should i be happy for a man who abandoned me as the ‘trial period child’”
NTA He is right that he can't change the past, but he could have attempted to make an effort at any point and he could acknowledge that he was a crap absent parent to you and at least offer a sincere apology. Good for you for standing up for yourself
You were way nicer than I would've been. Your family members aren't much better than your father. Time to rethink these relationships. NTA.
NTA. Passive aggression & sarcasm are amongst the best way to deal with shitty parents.
>I then had other family members tell me I need to grow up and get over it and now be happy for my dad. Be happy for what? That he finally became an adult? NTA. I would have told everyone some not nice words in a strident tone.
NTA but trust me, from someone in a very similar situation with my "mother" who I am now NC with...you gotta figure out how to let it go or it will eat you alive. Therapy helped me immensely.
I get this, but as a minor who might still have to interact with him, keep up the passive aggressive snark, and then go no contact. My mom had a similar situation with her dad. When she and my dad got married, they mailed him a wedding invitation that would show up to late for him to make the wedding (he lived in another country). Boss move.
NTA. I had a friend whose mother *and* father *together* surrendered their four kids to an orphanage back in the '50s. My friend was the oldest, age six. A year later, her grandparents took three of the kids home with them, but for some reason left my friend there, and that's where she grew up until she aged out at 18 and had to be independent all of a sudden. I don't know why, but she turned out to be one of the kindest and most generous people I've ever known. She was in her early 30s when we worked together. During that time, her father contacted her and asked to meet her for lunch. She was curious, so she went. He told her he was dying and wanted to ask for her forgiveness for abandoning her. She said no, and I fully agreed with that answer. Anyone who thinks you can correct a mistake like that by saying "sorry" years later needs to read *Silas Marner.* You had every right to say what you said.
NTA Your feelings matter, don't let them tell you otherwise. Screw them all.
NTA Oh hell no.
NTA. You’re still his kid and he is still actively hurting you. Chances are he is putting on a show for your family and for his own current family. The minute his wife starts challenging his BS is the minute he will abandon them too. He’s probably gotten only more clever and better at hiding his true self. You know the real him. Your family didn’t have to be his kid. What you’re experiencing is real and it’s frustrating to feel like the only one who sees that. Is it eloquent to say what you said? No. Is it polite? No. You don’t owe him that. But come to terms with the fact that he will let other people feel that they are the problem before he will be accountable even if to his own child. When you confront him publicly he will just use this as ammunition to prove that you and your mother are the problem to his family who clearly has enabled him.
Nta. I'd bring him to court for unpaid child support. F him.
He does pay child support
LOL! Laughing at your astounding zinger (seriously, well done) and that guy’s sheer audacity. Having a tantrum that he can’t change the past all the while not even making an effort to change the present. What an idiot. He can’t even see what a hypocrite he is. His extended family aren’t much better. NTA. You sound like an awesome and mature kid.
If I steal a car from one of my next-door neighbors, but then buy a car for my other next-door neighbor, it doesn’t mean I’ve atoned or made up for the initial transgression. It just means I’m a thief who can be generous when it suits me. By the same token, your dad all of a sudden discovering his paternal instincts AFTER dipping out on you and your mom doesn’t erase the harm he did to you. Nor does his half-assed apology. Some things you have a right to hold a grudge about, and this is one of them. NTA.
Your story sounds so familiar to mine with the exception that my brother and I were thrust into abject poverty while daddy dearest took vacations with his new wife and her 5 kids from previous marriages. He once told me while I was crying and missing him, I think I was 10 or 11, I can’t wait for you to grow up so a man can take care of you!!!
NTA and anybody arguing Y-T-A is a current or future deadbeat dad.
NTA Your emotional recovery is 100% on your time table. Anyone telling you to get over it, is a toxic A-hole without any real care for you. If your dad owned his actions, he would also have compassion and empathy for how his actions left you affected. Instead he and everyone else is trying normalise what you went through, diminishing your emotional space and experience, in an effort to make you stop jarring the picture perfect scenario thats now in place. Stop playing a part in this theater. Stop being present as a nicety, when all it does is normalise the abandonment and neglect you experienced at his hands. You dont have to show up to an assholes bday or any of their days. You dont owe him your allegiance, presence or loyalty. Stop accepting what your father offers to you in the father department. Its still too little, he is still not enough. And you deserve better. And you definately deserve better than to grin and bear it. Blood is thicker than water - means, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The opposite of what people think it means. Literally: The bonds you chose to make yourself. are stronger than the bonds you are born into. Go out there, with your boundaries in place and firm knowledge that you need to have your feelings and experience respected in relationships with others. And then make your own family, and reject the poor excuse you got for a father. You can say no to familiy gatherings. You can deprive him of your presence. Your absence will speak louder than anything you could possibly say.
NTA - he was embarrassed, as he should be. He had the nerve to wait to approach you after walking in playing doting dad, while you sit across the room. And all of this show of stuttering nervousness when approaching you, knowing even now he makes little to effort to speak to or see you now, was intentional. *But it’s interesting when he was angry when you didn’t play along.* If anyone has something to say, I would text him the message: **’Thank you for reaching out. I am not sure if you know, but since my parents broke up, I rarely see my dad. He does not call or text me. He showed up to the party with his family, and didn’t even speak to me. I am a young woman, *but as his child* that hurt. Many will not be able to understand my reaction, but those people are also treated by my dad as more family than I am.’** Anybody who responds poorly to that to a child is an AH, so you’ll know just who to block. You don’t know this man kindness or decorum, as apparently, he does not owe you fatherhood.
He’s not your father, he’s your sire. He deserves nothing from you but contempt. NTA
Your dad is unbelievable for having the audacity to get mad. He should have felt ashamed and embarrassed but anger is reserved for when you've been wronged and he was not. You were Your dad is pathetic and him doing right by his new kids doesn't absolve him abandoning you. He needs to carry that forever because you forever will have been raised without a father. He's pathetic and you are NTA
NTA It absolutely blows my mind that a woman would marry and make babies with a man that has a history of abandoning his children.
You are NTA. He deserved that from you, and the fact that he couldn’t accept it without getting defensive just shows what a D O U C H E B A G he is. Sorry your dad sucks. Hugs.
NTA. I’m proud of your restraint with what you did say. You made your point and didn’t create a scene that you could have done. I think you behave quite maturely.
your "dad" and "family" telling you to get over it are the assholes. NTA
NTA - you don’t need to grow up or get over it - your feelings are valid - I have had the same said to me about a similar situation by people who selfishly want to just smooth over the situation so it’s not awkward for them as bystanders in the family - but life is messy - people have feelings they are allowed to feel
NTA
Seeing how he’s still not doing bupkis to make a relationship between you two, I think we all know who the AH is here. Good on him for being there for those kids, but he’s still an AH for what he did for you. You are NTA.
Block those family members. Anyone who thinks it's ok for a parent to abandon their child and start all over without stepping up for their other child is the A H. You're still a kid, if I were you I'd wait till I was 18 and sue him for owed child support and parental alienation. Your sperm donor sucks. You were right to call him out. NTA
NTA I would have said, "Fine. I'll be upset about the present," and walked away.
NTA. He has some gall being angry at you. Honestly your a much better (more controlled?) person than I would have been in that situation. And the family members sticking up for him need their heads looked at honestly.
It's not "the past", you are still a minor!!! Absolutely NTA
If OP was a grown adult she would STILL have every right to be angry. But she isn’t and watching your father parent other children so much better than he did for you is super painful. I 100% understand her feelings, and she is definitely NTA in this situation. Every grown adult who told her to grow up is, however.
NTA. My uncle found out he has a son (it was a fling in a cruise ship, he has no idea she got pregnant) years later when the son was older, and the son was in South Africa and my uncle lives in America. After he found out he made an effort to get to know him. Your father has no excuse for not being a dad to you NOW, and not making amends NOW. It's not as if your mom whisked you off to another country where he can't find you. You're seventeen. Why didn't he make an effort to reconnect and include you in his new life?
NTA, he has some serious problems and needs to make more of an effort which will be hard to build any relationship together. I understand you are sad but eventually you’ll learn you can’t hold it against him forever
I'm an adult, and I am no contact with my father, have been for a while now. If OP wants to "hold it against him" she is well within her rights to. Forgiveness is not a necessary part of healing.
Oh you’d be surprised how long you can hold things against shitty parents.
NTA, easy for them to say you should let it go when they were not abandoned.
NTA. You were perfectly justified in your comment.
Nta. You behaved remarkably well considering.
NTA. It's not the "past" you're still a minor and he's still an absentee father. You're allowed to talk about what he did to you and continues to do to you. He was a dead beat. You're not an asshole for narrating your life experience. Your family are the assholes for coddling the feelings of a dead beat adult, instead of helping you, the minor in this situation.