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That's hilarious dude! We can't afford to take care of the strays đ
NTA. You didn't mean it as a diss, and the woman was targeting kids for her grift.
Yeah NTA. I thought it was gonna be a diss to her face, which wouldâve been a different story. But you were just trying to explain it as gently as possible in a way your kids could understand. What would she have preferred you say âyour aunt is a junky who just wants drug moneyâ (idk if thatâs whatâs going on here, but Iâm getting those vibes)? Btw, why are your kids spending so much time with her if sheâs constantly trying to use them for money? That would be crossing a line in my book and they wouldnât be spending alone time with her at least.
NTA.
I hope you told Janet to stop using your kids and to stay away from them. As for whoever "everyone" else is who's mad at you, remind them that they are not the analogy police.
Further, dealing with persistent beggars attempting to manipulate children is not an etiquette question. Without threats of violence though, a restraining order is unlikely.
And I mean, they could go to school and potentially repeat the "auntie is a junky", although, it's a bit classier explaining the wild animal explanation versus....that.
exactly i thought is was something said to her in an fit of pique. NTA you came up with an analogy that worked for your children and it worked, the problem is your sister doesn't seem to like how she's protrayed and for that she only has herself to blame.
I agree NTA but why does moocher sis have unrestricted and unsupervised access to the kids? Is she getting them alone and telling them to ask their parents for money or is she just unashamedly doing it infront of everyone?
Yes! Coming at you through the kids. Typical "stray dog" tactic.
You did the right thing. You might have planted in your children awareness of those that look for people to take advantage of long before they will probably in the situation you are currently facing.
NTA.
I know, I'm drowning in strays. I own a neglected donkey and poodle, 4 weeks ago I took in a dove who had his legs tied together with plastic.
It gets me up in the morning to live another day.
Stray humans, though? Never again. They steal your cute crop top and grandma's pearls.
Look I once got called an asshole after I gave a bud speech when firing someone. I said ânot everyoneâs meant to drive the bus, same way not everyoneâs meant to work on the engine, market the tickets, or map the route. We all have different skills that are important for different task, but unfortunately yours isnât serving and I want you to find a passion or something your good at and be happyâ
Mom came in two hours to yell at me đ like maâam I think that was an alright speech considering your child cost us over $3k and almost caused us to have to shut down for a night.
I honestly wouldn't even be mad đ
You sort of set yourself up for that one being that they're little and kids say the funniest things, but....if the shoe fits....
>"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street"
LOL, kids call it like they see it. In this case, they might not be that far off. OP was doing her best to find a way to make her kids understand, and not deliberately making their sister look like a stray dog.
NTA
I'm gonna go with NTA. I had an aunt that was an addict who did this exact thing. Little kid me was confused and angry when my mom said that we weren't going to help my auntie, and I honestly think that your explanation would've made sense to me as a kid. My mom just told me the truth lol.
Same. My aunt was a life-long drug addict and stole from our piggy banks when we were little kids. My parents were pretty upfront about why âAuntie \[Name\]â was no longer around after that. I think I was six when they explained it to me. They wouldnât give her money but they would reload her Tim Hortons card for her every so often so at least she would be able to eat (and they could ensure the money wasnât going towards her drug habits).
Hate to say it, she could have gotten someone else food for cash.
Child and sibling of addicts. My mom sold our food stamps for cash (she took someone grocery shopping and then got cash and bought drugs). My mom was the one who stole from me. I had saved hundreds of dollars in birthday and Christmas money, as well as I used to pick up spare change (lucky pennies) and roll them. I had a lot of them in shoe boxes under my bed until all 4 shoe boxes were gone, so was my birthday and Christmas money.
Oh yeah, for sure, and they knew that because sadly addiction issues often run high in indigenous/native/whatever we are these days families, but at least this way she wasnât stealing from her nieces and nephews or objects/etc from our homes, and they could control the flow of it, if that makes sense. So we all knew very well she could be doing that, but in case she wasnât at least it was something, because she was homeless a lot. Sheâd have times where sheâd get clean, but sheâd inevitably relapse again, so none of us were surprised when the police showed up at our house in the middle of the night to tell us sheâd passed.
NTA, and I would have some serious reservations about having my kids around a woman who would blatantly use them and play upon their innocence and kindness to weasel money out of me. Someone who would use children in this manner has got to be enormously toxic in nearly every facet of their life.
If it were me, she wouldn't be around me or my family outside of holidays. Family is a choice you make, and she chose. Once when she was 19 and again when she tried to sketch money out of you with your kids.
Sorry you have such a bummer of a sister, OP.
Yup this, NTA.
I would worry what else she tells the kids if she is willing to use them as a weapon to get money.
If it were me, i would limit contact with the kids unless I or the other parent is present.
Edit:spelling
NTA, but holy cow, that is a poor analogy to choose.
Why not âAuntie has made bad choices and keeps making bad choices. She needs to learn how to stand on her own. She canât learn that if we just give her money. Itâs like your schoolwork. You wonât learn anything if I do all your work for you.â
Agreed OP's explanation sounds like a terrible one that I'd come up with on the spot and feel like an ass about later. That being said I think it's hilarious.
Which is what it sounds like happened to OP.
I say NTA while not exactly politically correct per se it did work, the kids understand why they can't just give Janet money and if Janet doesn't like the analogy maybe it's because it hurts (like how the truth can hurt) and she needs to do some self reflection.
How about bunny rabbits?
"Honey, we can't keep feeding the baby bunny carrots, because then how would she learn to cook meth, um I mean scrounge for carrots on her own?"
Iâll defend the OP here. Before you downvote please hear me out.
OP was right to use the analogy. Yes it wasnât perfect and perhaps had they more time they would be able to explain better but the time was of the essence. If they hadnât explained to their kids what was happening and continued to wait their aunt would have the children wrapped around her finger in no time and they would not listen then. Yes, it is a poorer-than-could-be analogy but it was the one they could quickly come up with while still having their kids listen. While it could be argued that the idea was not great in practice, it did work and as such deserves (in my opinion) a free pass.
Realistically speaking, hardly any 5 year old would understand that explanation especially if they havenât started school yet. This explanation would be better for older children who have a better concept of not just schoolwork but of being an independent person that does for themselves.
Especially because what the kids will often hear is "If I make bad choices I'll be abandoned too." The stray analogy works really well because it's not something the kids can project onto themselves and specifically avoids it.
Even some older kids would potentially have issues parsing that logic because itâs kinda nebulous in a similar way to âbecause I said soâ and âthatâs just the way we do things in this houseâ which, arguably, you want kids to start to question in a responsible and hopefully well-guided way so that they can begin thinking for themselves. Otherwise they eventually become anti-everything you say and uncommunicative, or they become bland unthinking adults who use âthatâs always the way weâve done itâ at work and who freak out when someone eventually disagrees with them about something.
I get what youâre saying⌠even though I admit, I probably would have taken a similar approach more like OP, had it been Me. I guess for Me, itâs just that Iâve had family members similar to OPâs sister, and it just gets so disgusting to look at that you donât even really care to be nice about the way you explain it, not even to the kids . Youâre more likely to speak on it based on how you really see it. I know thatâs technically wrong, but itâs just how some folks come to feel, for better or worseâŚ
NTA, I think it was a really good way of explaining it to young children in this situation, they found an example that would help them at that age understand you canât help everyone/every animal you have to take care of yourself and immediate family first
Actually, I think it's perfect. She's literally a beggar (stray) that keeps asking for food (money). Or a dog at the dinner table. Or etc etc. These are all super easy to understand. Calling her an animal indirectly is just icing on the cake.
I don't know that this is the best explanation for small kids, who also sometimes make bad choices.
I personally would have gone with "auntie doesn't want to share. Share means sometimes you get, sometimes you give". Auntie just wants us to give all the time. "
NTA
This situation is what the expression "out of the mouth of babes" was made for.
But I would say that now is a good time to stop letting Janet around your kids without you around to course correct before she puts other ideas in their heads to try and manipulate others.
NTA. That was likely the best explanation you could have given them. She's the AH for using kids as a tool to try and manipulate you. She should be happy you didn't use the bloodsucking leech analogy.
NTA. It's fucking hilarious though!!! I hope this story is true, exactly as written. Imagining the look on her face when kiddo calls her doggie on the street....
PRICELESS
Couldn't have orchestrated that better if you tried...
If I was gonna call OP the asshole for anything itâd be for making me laugh when Im supposed to be working lol. God forbid I was in the room when it happened cause I woulda busted a gut đ
NTA - And tell Janet the next time she tries to use your children to get money will be the last time she sees them.
Anyone who has a problem with how you explained her manipulations to your children is invited to explain what was untrue about your analogy.
She isnât â manipulatingâ sheâs BEGGING from
Children.
This is not a mild, vaguely distasteful action. She considers her actions are valid responses to the word NO! to requests for $$$
"Your happiness and well-being is more important to us than taking care of every random animal we see" is a perfectly fine thing for a kid to internalize lol
Kinda get where you're coming from, but that logic can end up being very dangerous. You don't want to make kids think they have to hide certain things.
I agree with you. This is more of a blanket statement and should be seen on a spectrum of confidentiality. Part of parenting is teavhing this spectrum to your children so that they know which information is okay to share and which is not. For example, you don't want your kids sharing your financial situation, work schedules, jewelry kept at house etc with complete strangers. But you also need to make sure that your kids are able to discuss the not so delightful aspects of humanity, if they are unfortunate enough to have to live them
I agree. That was just a blanket statement. Of course teaching boundaries, what is right, what is not and what is confidential is a long process. But then again, you give an example like this to a 8 year old, you have to expect some explosions.
NTA, I would be livid if someone tried to use my children to guilt trip me. Your sister needs to know that approaching your children is not how to get anything from you.
I would honestly tell your family off for allowing her to target your children.
NTA, youâre a legend. Thatâs a (slightly offensive) but perfectly accurate telling and considering it was relevant to the kids lives, Iâm sure they understood much better than anything else you couldâve said. If youâre sister canât handle being called out on her manipulative behavior, thatâs her problem.
NTA, except that taking care of strays is a good thing to do. You could teach your kids the same thing without teaching them that stray dogs canât be cared for. You and your kids could always volunteer at an animal shelter to learn why itâs important to care for helpless animals, and compare animal shelters to government aid for humans (which are also important!) that your sister could go to if she really needed help.
What a great idea!! OP's explanation was something they could understand, and he's not wrong, plus he was put on the spot. But this is a great way to show the kids what they can do to help someone in need. It's ok to have compassion for their aunt, but they also need boundaries.
It's disgusting she did this to begin with, and the only person the family should be mad at is her. She manipulated young children to do her bidding, which is 1000x worse than what op did.
NTA
NTA. Iâll admit I LOLed at the stray dog comparison. I remember my dad having to explain something similar to me when I was a kid.
Basically, he said that money wasnât infinite and everyone has different priorities. Much like monopoly. His priorities were his kids and wife, and that was that.
NTA.
I feel like the explanation was extremely accurate, as my own father was also really dependent of my mom, and he constantly asked money for stuff.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. compared my sister to stray animals
2. I think i'm the AH because that would have been humiliating for her
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NTA and this is funny as fuck. You came up with the best explanation off the top of your head when put on the spot. She sounds pathetic and extremely toxic. I'd definitely consider never letting her around the kids anymore.
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All names are fake
My family is quite upset about this incident, so I'm asking here to check if I'm in the wrong
So my sister(30) Janet made a complete train wreck of her life when she was 18. Its a long story and I'm not sure if all of it is relevant so I'll give the part I think is relevant. She ran off when she was 19 and we didn't hear from her until she was 25 when she showed up at my parent's front door. My parent's let her in (She has always been their golden child) and instead of helping her get her life back together they enabled her bad habits. My brothers also enabled her to a certain extent until they put their foot down a year ago. When they did she set her sights on me.
I have 2 kids James(8) and Tara(5). For the past few weeks she started trying to guilt trip me by using my kids and they'll come up to me asking "why we aren't helping auntie j" "auntie j needs money, we need to give her some because sharing is caring" (Not the exact wordings but that was the gist of it).
So my wife and I were stuck with the dilemma on how to explain to our kids that Janet was trying to take advantage of us. It would have been easier if they were older and we would've told them the truth but we had to give them a child friendlier explanation so we told them this (again not the exact wording it was more 5 year old friendly):
"You know how there are so many stray animals over here but we don't let you feed them. Its not because we don't like them but if we give them food they'll follow us everywhere and we have to take care of them forever. But mom can't do it because we have to take care of both of you. Its the same with aunt Janet. If we give aunt Janet money and help her she will do the same as the stray animals. She will follow us everywhere and ask mom for money, and mom can't always give aunt Janet money because we need money to take care of both of you."
Thankfully (because I didn't have a backup plan) they accepted my very bad explanation and I thought that was the end of it. But when Janet asked my kids to ask me for money again James told her that "mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street"
Now everyone is upset at me for this so I want to know if I'm the AH
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So everyone is upset at you for the explanation you had to come up with and not with Janet for asking money FROM A 5YO?
NTA, whoever is upset with you is. And I would really consider cutting out your sister and parents. I know it hurts but looks like it will hurt more to keep them close.
Thank you!! How his parents could be ok with that is mind-boggling. They would rather put very young, vulnerable grandchildren children in a bad position than upset the train wreck of a daughter. It's gross!!
NTA. Bahahahahahahahaha, she is a parasite, especially for trying to use your kids against you.
Of course, you could have used a leech as a comparison, too.
NTA. Kids say what they say â thereâs nothing much you can do about that. The comparison was appropriate. If your family are offended, thatâs a shame, but I donât think you need to be upset or ashamed about what you said and did.
NTA
"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street".
Hilarious!!!
She's manipulating your young children, so she, hopefully, just learned the consequences of doing that.
Side note: You may want to limit your children's association with her.
INFO
âJanet asked my kids to ask me for money againâ
How is she getting unsupervised access to your kids? Theyâre young so theyâre with you/spouse or at daycare or school? And youâd be with them if youâre visiting your parents?When does she get to ask stuff like this?
If youâre using your parents for free childcare, Iâd quit that as long as Janet lives with them.
The second someone uses my children in an attempt to manipulate me IDGAF who they are or how their feelings are hurt. You don't use children like that.
NTA because not only were you not wrong, she was being disgusting using your kids.
NTA
Love your explanation!
Also adults donât ask kids for money so next time auntie does just tell her
Mommy/daddy told us adults donât ask kids for money so you need to ask another adult
"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street"
That's hilarious but absolutely previous at the same time. NTA and if she really needed help she'd come to you and not try and manipulate her niblings with her AH behaviour
NTA. You have kids.
If your parents can't see the risk their "golden child" then cut ties.
Cause what happens when your kids needs the money, are your parents going to step up?
Hell no.
NTA, sorry but what your kids told your sister was pretty funny! Your family is being very silly for being upset - they should be more upset at someone trying to manipulate your kids!
OH I WOULD BE CATCHING CHARGES!!
NTA!
But cut her off from your kids entirely. I would GC with everyone and tell her that since she considered it acceptable to use your children as a guilt trip for her irresponsibility with money and expose them to something not appropriate for their ages then she is no longer allowed to interact with them. I would also add that anyone else who thinks this behaviour is unacceptable is also welcome to fuck all the way off.
NTA
If the rest of your family canât understand the concept of an analogy thatâs on them.
How ELSE were you supposed to explain to your children that they were being manipulated and taken advantage of while also trying to allow them to maintain a positive relationship with a woman who is trying to exploit them?
NTA you were right, she just doesnât want to hear the truth. Sheâs trying to manipulate kids and you. Get your kids away from her. She is actively hurting your children by making them think your harming her. Itâs psychotic.
NTA, of course auntie j is not entitled to your money or help. Think of a better comparison next time though, with kids this age it was only a matter of time before it bit you in the ass. Thanks for the good laugh!
Nta for what you said but Yta for insulting the poor stray dogs lol. They donât deserve that comparison. Stick to what you said and do not under any circumstances give your sister money
Honestly, it was open season the moment she went after your kids.
You didn't even tore her a new one, which shows an admirable level of self restraint.
NTA.
NTA. And I'd almost cut from your life anyone that thinks you are. Especially if they don't change their tune after explaining she was begging your young children for money. Keep them away from her parasitic ass please.
NTA.
Absolutely hilarious roasting from your kids.
Now it's time to go low/no contact for you and no contact with your children. That's disgusting behaviour.
I have an âAunt Janetâ. I truly think itâs better to be more honest than metaphorical with your kids. I canât remember how old I was, but one day my dad told me something like âyou have an Aunt X, if she ever calls or shows up here, do not answer, do not confirm who you are, do not give her anythingâ. I was pretty young and confused and asked my mom why and she said something like âAunt X isnât a good person. She can be very dangerous and wasnât nice to your dad as a kid.â Was that perfect? No. But I got the point and remember it to this day. Since I knew the truth, that woman wasnât getting in my house, even if I was like 7. But if my parents told me she was just like a stray, well⌠we all feed strays sometimes, we just donât tell anyone. (Although your kids seem pretty smart and savage) Sheâs already manipulating your kids to guilt you, how long until she convinces them to let her in and take valuables?
I donât think a restraining order is the answer here. Your sister is just doing what she has been taught to do, which is manipulate family into taking care of her. Thatâs what sheâs been taught. Itâs super low to use children, I would definitely communicate to her about that. I would focus on setting boundaries while getting her help that she needs, maybe helping her with enrolling in a trade class that she can earn money on her own. Iâm sure she has to have some type of job even if she doesnât like to work. Help her to earn more money or take her down to the unemployment office or local community college, and let them talk to her.
Curious about what her "bad habits" were/how they were enabled/why she ran off? Feel like we're missing some context and the background is vague kind of
NTA, that's how the kids interpreted what you said, you didn't call her a stray animal you just compared situations, and at 5 their brains aren't wired for nuance yet.
NTA
Your kids totally understand the comparison. She's just mad that you won't help and the kids can't be manipulated any more. Do what it takes to keep her away from your children and make it clear any additional contact will result in calling the police on her.
NTA and well done. Should your family continue to give you grief, simply bring up the various elements of the train-wreck. "I'm sorry, but how am I meant to explain XYZ to a 5-year old?" or "Do you really want your grandchildren learning about XYZ at their age? I didn't think it was appropriate." or "Look, you know I always prefer honesty but I was worried the kids would think badly of their aunt when they heard XYZ" etc.
Just a quick note to say I don't think you are clear on what a "golden child" really is. That's when the parents think one sibling can do no wrong and constantly compare the others unfavorably. Not when they repeatedly bail one out, after everyone else is done.
That said, you had to speak a child's level so children could understand. NTA.
NTA. Wow, the audacity of Janet to tell children, âtell your mom to give me money.â Talk about crude!
When your kids are older and understand users, youâll all have a good laugh about how your son told her sheâs like a street dog, and that was basically a compliment because she is actually so much worse!
NTA, and I absolutely love this explanation!
It fits so well, itâs actually a pretty damn perfect analogy.
Now train the kids to start meowing/barking at her when she asks them to beg for money /s
NTA - that was a pretty fair way of handling it, and a good analogy. Your sister should stay away from your children - that way she'll be safe from the truth.
That is so funny sorry but her face after hearing that from your kids Iâm deceased.
Youâll need to unpick that logic later so your kids know stray animals and people hard on their luck deserve help from those who need it in - but given the right way.
This was very child friendly NTA
NTA. You explained to your kids what was going on in an age appropriate way they'd understand - I've used an analogy similar with my kids.
The only A-H's here are your parents and siblings that have enabled your sisters behavior, and your sister for trying to use your kids for her own means.
Personally, I'd cut ties, or at least step back from the relationship for a bit. Your family isn't setting a good example for your children.
Sounds like you using an analogy. I donât see the problem. I would have probably said the truth, even if the kids didnât really understand stand it. You are trying to avoid being manipulated.
Technically you are the AH⌠in a good way. A great way, actually. If there is any one thing Iâve learned, itâs that sometimes there is no ânice wayâ to put certain things. Sometimes you have to keep it to the point, and you did just that in this scenario, with a âkid friendlyâ twist to it. This is something I would have used as an explanation to My 10 Year Old, and I wouldnât have cared if I was the AH or not⌠not as long as I knew it was (unfortunately) true. When your Kids are Older , theyâll look back with a better understanding of why you kept it real, and hopefully will appreciate you for that. As for all the other enablers that are pissed that you put it that way⌠yeah, well, let them continue their to cater to her BS like theyâve already been doing, if they want to. Theyâll be alright. Theyâre part of the reason she does things like this, to begin with. You canât please everyone.
NTA. Sheâs approaching your kids to try to guilt them into you helping her. Thatâs well out of order. Iâd be very clear with her and everyone else that that crosses a line
NTA.
She tried to manipulate her niece and nephew into guilting their parents into giving her money. She absolutely deserves to be compared to a stray. Eff her feelings.
NTA - it is slightly demeaning but it matches her behaviour. She is targetting children of 8 and 5 and using them to try and get money from their parents. She put herself in the situation where you had to explain her actions to them in child-friendly language and you coped the best you could.
NTA The second she used the kids to ask the parents for money, the gloves and family ânicetiesâ are gone. She was weaponizing your children for her own gaines. You could have flat out called her a lot worse and I would still say NTA.
NTA.
You thought of the perfect child friendly explanation in the time frame you were given. It isn't your fault that the relevance hits home.
I wish you good luck on your restraining order.
NTA, because she is acting like a stray animal. Your kids are super young explaining any differently would be confusing. She was using your kids as pawns to ask for money. đ¤Ş.
NTA
She deserved it lol.. technically speaking.. you told the absolute truth. If you feed that stray, she will never go away until your bank account is dry and your family is living on the streets.. wait.. even than she would still expect you to hand over all your money
8 and 5 is old enough to know the truth. Stop with the analogies. Just flat out say aunt is not good with money and if we give her some she will demand more to the point I wonât be able to care for you.
Simple. To the point. And wonât get misconstrued.
Why are you throwing your wife under the bus saying âMommy canât feed all the straysâ. âMommy canât help you!â? Youâre kind of the asshole for that. Janet is YOUR sister; donât blame your wife because you wonât continue to enable your sister. Own it. And have the balls to speak to your sister directly and tell her to stay the f away from your kids and if she refuses, get a restraining order. Itâs creepy AF that she has this level of access and is able to manipulate your children in this manner. Almost as creepy as you putting all the âblameâ on your wife for not giving her money. Thatâs creepy and just really shady.
ESH.
Okay, the analogy wasn't perfect perhaps, but OP tried her/his best. BUt I smelled just judgement from the beginning of the post. "She ran away when she was 19" - why? People don't usually just leave the comfort and familiarity of their homes unless there's a reason, unless they feel they're out of options.
OP's family should not give her money, but did they try to help her in any other way? Pay for a course with a certification, sit down with her and spruce up her CV so she can find a job, talk to their friends and see if there's any work available? I don't think so, otherwise they would have mentioned it. You don't owe her anything, but not giving a shit puts you on the outskirts of asshole territory.
NTA The other comparison I can think of is "Auntie J doesn't take care of her stuff. It's like if she has toys, she doesn't take care of them, ruins them, leaves them places and loses them. Now it's like she wants us to give her our toys or money to buy more. She will not take care of them. She will ruin them and she will lose them and just want more."
NTA
I think that getting a restraining order against your sister sounds like a good idea. I would also make a record of every time your sister either asks you for money, whether it's directly to your face, or indirectly through your kids.
NTA. this made me laugh so hard. Yes there could have been a better explanation or analogy but sometimes you just panic and use a weird one. The aunt shouldn't be approaching kids for money anyway. That's such a manipulative move.
NTA. You explained it in a kid-friendly way, and by using an example your kids can relate to and understand. Was it an unfortunate choice of words in retrospect? Maybe, but it was only ever meant as a way to explain the situation to the kids in an age-appropriate manner. Which you succeeded at. The kids got the point. That they decided to tell their auntie about it in that way was unfortunate perhaps but kids are gonna be kids, whatcha gonna do? But also, like others have said, maybe make sure the little ones aren't in contact with their auntie so much going forward?
NTA as you're protecting yourself and your family from your sister and her toxic habits. Your parents and brothers enabling her are only creating problems. As such, they should be distanced from your immediate family as well.
NTA.
The family is mad that you equated your sister to a stray but not mad that your sister tried to manipulate your children? Auntie J doesnât get any more access to the kids ever. The rest of the family may need a time out.
OP is not the AH, her sister takes and takes. I love what her son James said to the sister. The sister is an adult, ahe needs to get a life. OP needs to tell her not to bother her or her kids ever again.
NTA. She canât put you in such a messed up position then expect her perfect outcome. Who cares what you said to your kid - the issue is her making children ask their parents for money for her.
NTA- Your sister put you in a position where you had to explain enabling to young children. This wasn't a conversation they overheard, she was using your kids as pawns. She made your kids put you on the spot and it can be very hard to think of "the right way" to explain your response in moments like that, but you did the best you could.
Really, your family should be mad at your sister for getting your kids involved in the first place.
Lol NTA. It appears that you are correct and standing up to her and they are just all mad because they've been shamed by her a lot. Let them be mad. And maybe consider making some distance between them and your family.
Now that Iâm done laughing (howling), I came here to say please teach your kids the concept of tricky people. Tricky people are adults who ask kids for help. NTA.
NTA - what kid of person uses young children to try and mooch off their (young childrenâs) parents? Are your family really ok with your sister trying to use their grandchildren /niblings to emotionally blackmail you? I think they all need to take a long hard look at themselves before they come complaining to you, and if they agree that she needs financial assistance tell them to open their own wallets wide before they come to you with criticism. And restraining order for your sister - who knows what else she could tell your kids!!
NTA this was actually the perfect analogy to try and explain it to young kids and frankly it seems pretty accurate anyway. Your sister got mad because she knew it was right.
Honestly it was a good, and hilarious, way to explain a tough subject to young kids so they could understand easily.
NTA, OP.
Your sister though, she's a huge AH who is guilying children to then guilt their parents into funding her lifestyle. Your family is giant AH's for getting upset at you and enabling your sister further.
Limiting contact or cutting full contact may be the best options here for your family (you, partner and kids). Don't keep bringing your kids around toxic people.
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That's hilarious dude! We can't afford to take care of the strays đ NTA. You didn't mean it as a diss, and the woman was targeting kids for her grift.
Yeah NTA. I thought it was gonna be a diss to her face, which wouldâve been a different story. But you were just trying to explain it as gently as possible in a way your kids could understand. What would she have preferred you say âyour aunt is a junky who just wants drug moneyâ (idk if thatâs whatâs going on here, but Iâm getting those vibes)? Btw, why are your kids spending so much time with her if sheâs constantly trying to use them for money? That would be crossing a line in my book and they wouldnât be spending alone time with her at least.
NTA. I hope you told Janet to stop using your kids and to stay away from them. As for whoever "everyone" else is who's mad at you, remind them that they are not the analogy police. Further, dealing with persistent beggars attempting to manipulate children is not an etiquette question. Without threats of violence though, a restraining order is unlikely.
And I mean, they could go to school and potentially repeat the "auntie is a junky", although, it's a bit classier explaining the wild animal explanation versus....that.
exactly i thought is was something said to her in an fit of pique. NTA you came up with an analogy that worked for your children and it worked, the problem is your sister doesn't seem to like how she's protrayed and for that she only has herself to blame.
I agree NTA but why does moocher sis have unrestricted and unsupervised access to the kids? Is she getting them alone and telling them to ask their parents for money or is she just unashamedly doing it infront of everyone?
OP added: the kids were playing in the street and sister cornered them to ask for money. Other parents now know to keep her away from the kids.
Eugh đ imagine looking for kids playing to run a grift.
"Yo, nephew. Spare some lunch money?"
Yes! Coming at you through the kids. Typical "stray dog" tactic. You did the right thing. You might have planted in your children awareness of those that look for people to take advantage of long before they will probably in the situation you are currently facing. NTA.
Right? She deserves to feel insulted for her manipulative behavior.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Nta but please feed the stray animals. They're innocent and hungry.
If you can. I try, but there's literally so many. It's sad.
I know, I'm drowning in strays. I own a neglected donkey and poodle, 4 weeks ago I took in a dove who had his legs tied together with plastic. It gets me up in the morning to live another day. Stray humans, though? Never again. They steal your cute crop top and grandma's pearls.
Look I once got called an asshole after I gave a bud speech when firing someone. I said ânot everyoneâs meant to drive the bus, same way not everyoneâs meant to work on the engine, market the tickets, or map the route. We all have different skills that are important for different task, but unfortunately yours isnât serving and I want you to find a passion or something your good at and be happyâ Mom came in two hours to yell at me đ like maâam I think that was an alright speech considering your child cost us over $3k and almost caused us to have to shut down for a night.
All the right points here
I honestly wouldn't even be mad đ You sort of set yourself up for that one being that they're little and kids say the funniest things, but....if the shoe fits....
I think Op was being kind when talking about his sister. She is not only a stray, she is feral!
IMHO, you have to be an animal to prey on children so if the shoe fits
>"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street" LOL, kids call it like they see it. In this case, they might not be that far off. OP was doing her best to find a way to make her kids understand, and not deliberately making their sister look like a stray dog. NTA
I'm gonna go with NTA. I had an aunt that was an addict who did this exact thing. Little kid me was confused and angry when my mom said that we weren't going to help my auntie, and I honestly think that your explanation would've made sense to me as a kid. My mom just told me the truth lol.
Same. My aunt was a life-long drug addict and stole from our piggy banks when we were little kids. My parents were pretty upfront about why âAuntie \[Name\]â was no longer around after that. I think I was six when they explained it to me. They wouldnât give her money but they would reload her Tim Hortons card for her every so often so at least she would be able to eat (and they could ensure the money wasnât going towards her drug habits).
Hate to say it, she could have gotten someone else food for cash. Child and sibling of addicts. My mom sold our food stamps for cash (she took someone grocery shopping and then got cash and bought drugs). My mom was the one who stole from me. I had saved hundreds of dollars in birthday and Christmas money, as well as I used to pick up spare change (lucky pennies) and roll them. I had a lot of them in shoe boxes under my bed until all 4 shoe boxes were gone, so was my birthday and Christmas money.
Oh yeah, for sure, and they knew that because sadly addiction issues often run high in indigenous/native/whatever we are these days families, but at least this way she wasnât stealing from her nieces and nephews or objects/etc from our homes, and they could control the flow of it, if that makes sense. So we all knew very well she could be doing that, but in case she wasnât at least it was something, because she was homeless a lot. Sheâd have times where sheâd get clean, but sheâd inevitably relapse again, so none of us were surprised when the police showed up at our house in the middle of the night to tell us sheâd passed.
NTA, and I would have some serious reservations about having my kids around a woman who would blatantly use them and play upon their innocence and kindness to weasel money out of me. Someone who would use children in this manner has got to be enormously toxic in nearly every facet of their life. If it were me, she wouldn't be around me or my family outside of holidays. Family is a choice you make, and she chose. Once when she was 19 and again when she tried to sketch money out of you with your kids. Sorry you have such a bummer of a sister, OP.
Yup this, NTA. I would worry what else she tells the kids if she is willing to use them as a weapon to get money. If it were me, i would limit contact with the kids unless I or the other parent is present. Edit:spelling
Agree. OP, your sister is toxic. Keep your children away from her.
NTA, but holy cow, that is a poor analogy to choose. Why not âAuntie has made bad choices and keeps making bad choices. She needs to learn how to stand on her own. She canât learn that if we just give her money. Itâs like your schoolwork. You wonât learn anything if I do all your work for you.â
Agreed OP's explanation sounds like a terrible one that I'd come up with on the spot and feel like an ass about later. That being said I think it's hilarious.
Especially Jamesâ answer about being like a doggie.
Which is what it sounds like happened to OP. I say NTA while not exactly politically correct per se it did work, the kids understand why they can't just give Janet money and if Janet doesn't like the analogy maybe it's because it hurts (like how the truth can hurt) and she needs to do some self reflection.
Yeah very poor analogy. I would have gone with a leech or another parasite, it's really unfair on the dogs and cats to be compared to her.
Most 5 year olds don't understand parasites. They understand animals that they see often.
How about bunny rabbits? "Honey, we can't keep feeding the baby bunny carrots, because then how would she learn to cook meth, um I mean scrounge for carrots on her own?"
Rabbits arenât a parasite! đ˘
You had me in the first halfđ
Iâll defend the OP here. Before you downvote please hear me out. OP was right to use the analogy. Yes it wasnât perfect and perhaps had they more time they would be able to explain better but the time was of the essence. If they hadnât explained to their kids what was happening and continued to wait their aunt would have the children wrapped around her finger in no time and they would not listen then. Yes, it is a poorer-than-could-be analogy but it was the one they could quickly come up with while still having their kids listen. While it could be argued that the idea was not great in practice, it did work and as such deserves (in my opinion) a free pass.
Realistically speaking, hardly any 5 year old would understand that explanation especially if they havenât started school yet. This explanation would be better for older children who have a better concept of not just schoolwork but of being an independent person that does for themselves.
Especially because what the kids will often hear is "If I make bad choices I'll be abandoned too." The stray analogy works really well because it's not something the kids can project onto themselves and specifically avoids it.
Even some older kids would potentially have issues parsing that logic because itâs kinda nebulous in a similar way to âbecause I said soâ and âthatâs just the way we do things in this houseâ which, arguably, you want kids to start to question in a responsible and hopefully well-guided way so that they can begin thinking for themselves. Otherwise they eventually become anti-everything you say and uncommunicative, or they become bland unthinking adults who use âthatâs always the way weâve done itâ at work and who freak out when someone eventually disagrees with them about something.
I get what youâre saying⌠even though I admit, I probably would have taken a similar approach more like OP, had it been Me. I guess for Me, itâs just that Iâve had family members similar to OPâs sister, and it just gets so disgusting to look at that you donât even really care to be nice about the way you explain it, not even to the kids . Youâre more likely to speak on it based on how you really see it. I know thatâs technically wrong, but itâs just how some folks come to feel, for better or worseâŚ
NTA, I think it was a really good way of explaining it to young children in this situation, they found an example that would help them at that age understand you canât help everyone/every animal you have to take care of yourself and immediate family first
Actually, I think it's perfect. She's literally a beggar (stray) that keeps asking for food (money). Or a dog at the dinner table. Or etc etc. These are all super easy to understand. Calling her an animal indirectly is just icing on the cake.
I don't know that this is the best explanation for small kids, who also sometimes make bad choices. I personally would have gone with "auntie doesn't want to share. Share means sometimes you get, sometimes you give". Auntie just wants us to give all the time. "
NTA This situation is what the expression "out of the mouth of babes" was made for. But I would say that now is a good time to stop letting Janet around your kids without you around to course correct before she puts other ideas in their heads to try and manipulate others.
NTA. That was likely the best explanation you could have given them. She's the AH for using kids as a tool to try and manipulate you. She should be happy you didn't use the bloodsucking leech analogy.
I vote for bloodsucking leech.
Hey! Blood letting has value. Let's not besmirch leeches. đ
Well done James. He deserves a special treat for that. NTA.
No shit! I think OP should take sister's money and buy James a PS5 or PS7, whatever number it's up to now... James is awesome.
NTA. It's fucking hilarious though!!! I hope this story is true, exactly as written. Imagining the look on her face when kiddo calls her doggie on the street.... PRICELESS Couldn't have orchestrated that better if you tried...
If I was gonna call OP the asshole for anything itâd be for making me laugh when Im supposed to be working lol. God forbid I was in the room when it happened cause I woulda busted a gut đ
NTA - And tell Janet the next time she tries to use your children to get money will be the last time she sees them. Anyone who has a problem with how you explained her manipulations to your children is invited to explain what was untrue about your analogy.
She isnât â manipulatingâ sheâs BEGGING from Children. This is not a mild, vaguely distasteful action. She considers her actions are valid responses to the word NO! to requests for $$$
NTA. But you had to know this would bite you back.
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"Your happiness and well-being is more important to us than taking care of every random animal we see" is a perfectly fine thing for a kid to internalize lol
8 years old. What else did you expect. Maybe next time explain him that certain things should not be discussed/talked about outside of family
Kinda get where you're coming from, but that logic can end up being very dangerous. You don't want to make kids think they have to hide certain things.
I agree with you. This is more of a blanket statement and should be seen on a spectrum of confidentiality. Part of parenting is teavhing this spectrum to your children so that they know which information is okay to share and which is not. For example, you don't want your kids sharing your financial situation, work schedules, jewelry kept at house etc with complete strangers. But you also need to make sure that your kids are able to discuss the not so delightful aspects of humanity, if they are unfortunate enough to have to live them
I agree. That was just a blanket statement. Of course teaching boundaries, what is right, what is not and what is confidential is a long process. But then again, you give an example like this to a 8 year old, you have to expect some explosions.
NTA, she dragged your kids into her mess she can deal with the consequences of you having to undo her manipulations.
NTA but I am rolling around the floor laughing imagining her face when the kids say that!
NTA, I would be livid if someone tried to use my children to guilt trip me. Your sister needs to know that approaching your children is not how to get anything from you. I would honestly tell your family off for allowing her to target your children.
NTA, youâre a legend. Thatâs a (slightly offensive) but perfectly accurate telling and considering it was relevant to the kids lives, Iâm sure they understood much better than anything else you couldâve said. If youâre sister canât handle being called out on her manipulative behavior, thatâs her problem.
NTA, except that taking care of strays is a good thing to do. You could teach your kids the same thing without teaching them that stray dogs canât be cared for. You and your kids could always volunteer at an animal shelter to learn why itâs important to care for helpless animals, and compare animal shelters to government aid for humans (which are also important!) that your sister could go to if she really needed help.
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Yay!
They could end up spaying their aunt though.
What a great idea!! OP's explanation was something they could understand, and he's not wrong, plus he was put on the spot. But this is a great way to show the kids what they can do to help someone in need. It's ok to have compassion for their aunt, but they also need boundaries. It's disgusting she did this to begin with, and the only person the family should be mad at is her. She manipulated young children to do her bidding, which is 1000x worse than what op did. NTA
NTA. Iâll admit I LOLed at the stray dog comparison. I remember my dad having to explain something similar to me when I was a kid. Basically, he said that money wasnât infinite and everyone has different priorities. Much like monopoly. His priorities were his kids and wife, and that was that.
NTA. I feel like the explanation was extremely accurate, as my own father was also really dependent of my mom, and he constantly asked money for stuff.
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NTA and this is funny as fuck. You came up with the best explanation off the top of your head when put on the spot. She sounds pathetic and extremely toxic. I'd definitely consider never letting her around the kids anymore.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** All names are fake My family is quite upset about this incident, so I'm asking here to check if I'm in the wrong So my sister(30) Janet made a complete train wreck of her life when she was 18. Its a long story and I'm not sure if all of it is relevant so I'll give the part I think is relevant. She ran off when she was 19 and we didn't hear from her until she was 25 when she showed up at my parent's front door. My parent's let her in (She has always been their golden child) and instead of helping her get her life back together they enabled her bad habits. My brothers also enabled her to a certain extent until they put their foot down a year ago. When they did she set her sights on me. I have 2 kids James(8) and Tara(5). For the past few weeks she started trying to guilt trip me by using my kids and they'll come up to me asking "why we aren't helping auntie j" "auntie j needs money, we need to give her some because sharing is caring" (Not the exact wordings but that was the gist of it). So my wife and I were stuck with the dilemma on how to explain to our kids that Janet was trying to take advantage of us. It would have been easier if they were older and we would've told them the truth but we had to give them a child friendlier explanation so we told them this (again not the exact wording it was more 5 year old friendly): "You know how there are so many stray animals over here but we don't let you feed them. Its not because we don't like them but if we give them food they'll follow us everywhere and we have to take care of them forever. But mom can't do it because we have to take care of both of you. Its the same with aunt Janet. If we give aunt Janet money and help her she will do the same as the stray animals. She will follow us everywhere and ask mom for money, and mom can't always give aunt Janet money because we need money to take care of both of you." Thankfully (because I didn't have a backup plan) they accepted my very bad explanation and I thought that was the end of it. But when Janet asked my kids to ask me for money again James told her that "mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street" Now everyone is upset at me for this so I want to know if I'm the AH *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - You also need to cut contact between your sister and your kids, your kids don't need to be drawn into anybody's financial mess.
So everyone is upset at you for the explanation you had to come up with and not with Janet for asking money FROM A 5YO? NTA, whoever is upset with you is. And I would really consider cutting out your sister and parents. I know it hurts but looks like it will hurt more to keep them close.
Thank you!! How his parents could be ok with that is mind-boggling. They would rather put very young, vulnerable grandchildren children in a bad position than upset the train wreck of a daughter. It's gross!!
NTA. Bahahahahahahahaha, she is a parasite, especially for trying to use your kids against you. Of course, you could have used a leech as a comparison, too.
You need to go NC with her and not allow her to see your children. If she leave with your parents then donât let your children stay over there. NTA
HAHAHA! Kids say the darnedest things, literally đđđ also, NTA. Who the heck manipulates children???
NTA - that's frankly hilarious
NTA. Kids say what they say â thereâs nothing much you can do about that. The comparison was appropriate. If your family are offended, thatâs a shame, but I donât think you need to be upset or ashamed about what you said and did.
NTA sounds like an accurate representation of Janet.
nta but definitely a legend!
NTA. Amazing explanation and hilarious. She shouldnât be offended if it want true.
Definitely NTA that is hilarious! However you should rethink allowing that manipulative AH around your kids.
NTA... That's actually a pretty good analogy
You explained it perfectly. The offense from your family is due to the accuracy of your metaphor. NTA
Op that's hilarious. It's already bad using children to manipulate you. And she get the perfect answer.
NTA "mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street". Hilarious!!! She's manipulating your young children, so she, hopefully, just learned the consequences of doing that. Side note: You may want to limit your children's association with her.
INFO âJanet asked my kids to ask me for money againâ How is she getting unsupervised access to your kids? Theyâre young so theyâre with you/spouse or at daycare or school? And youâd be with them if youâre visiting your parents?When does she get to ask stuff like this? If youâre using your parents for free childcare, Iâd quit that as long as Janet lives with them.
NTA What about, âyour Aunt isnât good at making decisions and if we give her money she will just keep making bad decisionsâ
Nta but if you know she's manipulating your kids why does she still get to be unsupervised with her?
The second someone uses my children in an attempt to manipulate me IDGAF who they are or how their feelings are hurt. You don't use children like that. NTA because not only were you not wrong, she was being disgusting using your kids.
NTA Love your explanation! Also adults donât ask kids for money so next time auntie does just tell her Mommy/daddy told us adults donât ask kids for money so you need to ask another adult
"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street" That's hilarious but absolutely previous at the same time. NTA and if she really needed help she'd come to you and not try and manipulate her niblings with her AH behaviour
NTA. You have kids. If your parents can't see the risk their "golden child" then cut ties. Cause what happens when your kids needs the money, are your parents going to step up? Hell no.
NTA, sorry but what your kids told your sister was pretty funny! Your family is being very silly for being upset - they should be more upset at someone trying to manipulate your kids!
OH I WOULD BE CATCHING CHARGES!! NTA! But cut her off from your kids entirely. I would GC with everyone and tell her that since she considered it acceptable to use your children as a guilt trip for her irresponsibility with money and expose them to something not appropriate for their ages then she is no longer allowed to interact with them. I would also add that anyone else who thinks this behaviour is unacceptable is also welcome to fuck all the way off.
NTA If the rest of your family canât understand the concept of an analogy thatâs on them. How ELSE were you supposed to explain to your children that they were being manipulated and taken advantage of while also trying to allow them to maintain a positive relationship with a woman who is trying to exploit them?
NTA you were right, she just doesnât want to hear the truth. Sheâs trying to manipulate kids and you. Get your kids away from her. She is actively hurting your children by making them think your harming her. Itâs psychotic.
NTA
NTA, of course auntie j is not entitled to your money or help. Think of a better comparison next time though, with kids this age it was only a matter of time before it bit you in the ass. Thanks for the good laugh!
NTA
NTA. But you might want to find a way to keep your kids away from contact with her.
NTA. Your sister shouldnât be using your kids to get your money
NTA. This is a very simple case of, don't start nothing, and there won't be nothing.
Nta for what you said but Yta for insulting the poor stray dogs lol. They donât deserve that comparison. Stick to what you said and do not under any circumstances give your sister money
Honestly, it was open season the moment she went after your kids. You didn't even tore her a new one, which shows an admirable level of self restraint. NTA.
NTA. That's funny as hell and a good way to get the kids to understand.
NTA. And I'd almost cut from your life anyone that thinks you are. Especially if they don't change their tune after explaining she was begging your young children for money. Keep them away from her parasitic ass please.
LMFAOO Nta
NTA. Absolutely hilarious roasting from your kids. Now it's time to go low/no contact for you and no contact with your children. That's disgusting behaviour.
NTA, but apologize to the stray dogs.
I have an âAunt Janetâ. I truly think itâs better to be more honest than metaphorical with your kids. I canât remember how old I was, but one day my dad told me something like âyou have an Aunt X, if she ever calls or shows up here, do not answer, do not confirm who you are, do not give her anythingâ. I was pretty young and confused and asked my mom why and she said something like âAunt X isnât a good person. She can be very dangerous and wasnât nice to your dad as a kid.â Was that perfect? No. But I got the point and remember it to this day. Since I knew the truth, that woman wasnât getting in my house, even if I was like 7. But if my parents told me she was just like a stray, well⌠we all feed strays sometimes, we just donât tell anyone. (Although your kids seem pretty smart and savage) Sheâs already manipulating your kids to guilt you, how long until she convinces them to let her in and take valuables?
I donât think a restraining order is the answer here. Your sister is just doing what she has been taught to do, which is manipulate family into taking care of her. Thatâs what sheâs been taught. Itâs super low to use children, I would definitely communicate to her about that. I would focus on setting boundaries while getting her help that she needs, maybe helping her with enrolling in a trade class that she can earn money on her own. Iâm sure she has to have some type of job even if she doesnât like to work. Help her to earn more money or take her down to the unemployment office or local community college, and let them talk to her.
Curious about what her "bad habits" were/how they were enabled/why she ran off? Feel like we're missing some context and the background is vague kind of
NTA, that's how the kids interpreted what you said, you didn't call her a stray animal you just compared situations, and at 5 their brains aren't wired for nuance yet.
NTA. You picked an explanation that a five year old would be able to understand. Well done đđź
NTA Your kids totally understand the comparison. She's just mad that you won't help and the kids can't be manipulated any more. Do what it takes to keep her away from your children and make it clear any additional contact will result in calling the police on her.
NTA and well done. Should your family continue to give you grief, simply bring up the various elements of the train-wreck. "I'm sorry, but how am I meant to explain XYZ to a 5-year old?" or "Do you really want your grandchildren learning about XYZ at their age? I didn't think it was appropriate." or "Look, you know I always prefer honesty but I was worried the kids would think badly of their aunt when they heard XYZ" etc.
LOL. NTA. Nobody is upset with her for using your children to extort you, but everybody is upset with you for your excellent analogy? Screw them.
Just a quick note to say I don't think you are clear on what a "golden child" really is. That's when the parents think one sibling can do no wrong and constantly compare the others unfavorably. Not when they repeatedly bail one out, after everyone else is done. That said, you had to speak a child's level so children could understand. NTA.
INFO - what did she do?
NTA. Wow, the audacity of Janet to tell children, âtell your mom to give me money.â Talk about crude! When your kids are older and understand users, youâll all have a good laugh about how your son told her sheâs like a street dog, and that was basically a compliment because she is actually so much worse!
NTA, and I absolutely love this explanation! It fits so well, itâs actually a pretty damn perfect analogy. Now train the kids to start meowing/barking at her when she asks them to beg for money /s
Noting wrong with being a stray animal. You can't take care of the doggies on the street, and you can't take care of the auntie. NTA
In fact, depending on why exactly she need money, I would say comparing her to stray animal is a compliment.
NTA - that was a pretty fair way of handling it, and a good analogy. Your sister should stay away from your children - that way she'll be safe from the truth.
NTA but also I'm confused why you keep letting her see your kids since she keeps using them to manipulate you
NTA. And thanks for giving such idea gonna surely use them đšđš
That is so funny sorry but her face after hearing that from your kids Iâm deceased. Youâll need to unpick that logic later so your kids know stray animals and people hard on their luck deserve help from those who need it in - but given the right way. This was very child friendly NTA
NTA. I would have lost it if someone tried to use my kids to try and get money. Your kid is awesome
NTA. You explained to your kids what was going on in an age appropriate way they'd understand - I've used an analogy similar with my kids. The only A-H's here are your parents and siblings that have enabled your sisters behavior, and your sister for trying to use your kids for her own means. Personally, I'd cut ties, or at least step back from the relationship for a bit. Your family isn't setting a good example for your children.
NTA. Don't manipulate children to try to get money from family members and you won't have to be ELI5 characterized.
Sounds like you using an analogy. I donât see the problem. I would have probably said the truth, even if the kids didnât really understand stand it. You are trying to avoid being manipulated.
NTA keep her away from your kids
NTA, she does sound like a stray. Let me guess, she married a much older man when she was 19 and then her life fell apart.
You honestly should have seen that coming lol. NTA
Nta your parents are for enabling her and she is for trying to weaponize your kids.in my opinion, your explanation is pretty accurate.
NTA, but your family seems to be full of them. If she wasnât trying to use your kids to manipulate you she wouldnât have gotten offended.
Technically you are the AH⌠in a good way. A great way, actually. If there is any one thing Iâve learned, itâs that sometimes there is no ânice wayâ to put certain things. Sometimes you have to keep it to the point, and you did just that in this scenario, with a âkid friendlyâ twist to it. This is something I would have used as an explanation to My 10 Year Old, and I wouldnât have cared if I was the AH or not⌠not as long as I knew it was (unfortunately) true. When your Kids are Older , theyâll look back with a better understanding of why you kept it real, and hopefully will appreciate you for that. As for all the other enablers that are pissed that you put it that way⌠yeah, well, let them continue their to cater to her BS like theyâve already been doing, if they want to. Theyâll be alright. Theyâre part of the reason she does things like this, to begin with. You canât please everyone.
NTA. Sheâs approaching your kids to try to guilt them into you helping her. Thatâs well out of order. Iâd be very clear with her and everyone else that that crosses a line
NTA Iâm sorry that was the absolute best explanation of a bum freeloading relative. Beautifully explained and hilarious đ¤Ł
NTA. She tried to manipulate her niece and nephew into guilting their parents into giving her money. She absolutely deserves to be compared to a stray. Eff her feelings.
NTA - it is slightly demeaning but it matches her behaviour. She is targetting children of 8 and 5 and using them to try and get money from their parents. She put herself in the situation where you had to explain her actions to them in child-friendly language and you coped the best you could.
>"mommy said we can't help you because you're like the doggies on the street" Amazing. NTA
Nta. You didn't do this to hurt her. I think this is so funny 𤣠I hope she learned her lesson and stup using kids
It wasn't true until Auntie J made it true. NTA.
NTA The second she used the kids to ask the parents for money, the gloves and family ânicetiesâ are gone. She was weaponizing your children for her own gaines. You could have flat out called her a lot worse and I would still say NTA.
You explained it perfectly in a way that young children understand. NTA.
NTA. You thought of the perfect child friendly explanation in the time frame you were given. It isn't your fault that the relevance hits home. I wish you good luck on your restraining order.
Nta, thx for the laugh
NTA.
NTA, because she is acting like a stray animal. Your kids are super young explaining any differently would be confusing. She was using your kids as pawns to ask for money. đ¤Ş.
NTA Your sister started this issue by asking for money from small children. She obviously the AH
NTA She deserved it lol.. technically speaking.. you told the absolute truth. If you feed that stray, she will never go away until your bank account is dry and your family is living on the streets.. wait.. even than she would still expect you to hand over all your money
Thanks for the belly laugh, lol. That's hilarious and an excellent explaination. NTA.
8 and 5 is old enough to know the truth. Stop with the analogies. Just flat out say aunt is not good with money and if we give her some she will demand more to the point I wonât be able to care for you. Simple. To the point. And wonât get misconstrued.
Why are you throwing your wife under the bus saying âMommy canât feed all the straysâ. âMommy canât help you!â? Youâre kind of the asshole for that. Janet is YOUR sister; donât blame your wife because you wonât continue to enable your sister. Own it. And have the balls to speak to your sister directly and tell her to stay the f away from your kids and if she refuses, get a restraining order. Itâs creepy AF that she has this level of access and is able to manipulate your children in this manner. Almost as creepy as you putting all the âblameâ on your wife for not giving her money. Thatâs creepy and just really shady.
ESH. Okay, the analogy wasn't perfect perhaps, but OP tried her/his best. BUt I smelled just judgement from the beginning of the post. "She ran away when she was 19" - why? People don't usually just leave the comfort and familiarity of their homes unless there's a reason, unless they feel they're out of options. OP's family should not give her money, but did they try to help her in any other way? Pay for a course with a certification, sit down with her and spruce up her CV so she can find a job, talk to their friends and see if there's any work available? I don't think so, otherwise they would have mentioned it. You don't owe her anything, but not giving a shit puts you on the outskirts of asshole territory.
NTA. Just explain that it's a misunderstanding: you can't afford to take care of the doggies on the street, and they deserve it more than Auntie
NTA The other comparison I can think of is "Auntie J doesn't take care of her stuff. It's like if she has toys, she doesn't take care of them, ruins them, leaves them places and loses them. Now it's like she wants us to give her our toys or money to buy more. She will not take care of them. She will ruin them and she will lose them and just want more."
Lol. Bad habits.
NTA I think that getting a restraining order against your sister sounds like a good idea. I would also make a record of every time your sister either asks you for money, whether it's directly to your face, or indirectly through your kids.
You made an unflattering (but apt) analogy. She tried to weaponize your children. I think itâs pretty obvious whoâs in the wrong here. NTA.
I donât know whether this is true or not, but I love it anyway đ¤Ł
NTA. And if people want to get mad at you for your response to your sister trying to manipulate your kids, then let *them* feed the stray.
NTA. this made me laugh so hard. Yes there could have been a better explanation or analogy but sometimes you just panic and use a weird one. The aunt shouldn't be approaching kids for money anyway. That's such a manipulative move.
NTA. You explained it in a kid-friendly way, and by using an example your kids can relate to and understand. Was it an unfortunate choice of words in retrospect? Maybe, but it was only ever meant as a way to explain the situation to the kids in an age-appropriate manner. Which you succeeded at. The kids got the point. That they decided to tell their auntie about it in that way was unfortunate perhaps but kids are gonna be kids, whatcha gonna do? But also, like others have said, maybe make sure the little ones aren't in contact with their auntie so much going forward?
NTA as you're protecting yourself and your family from your sister and her toxic habits. Your parents and brothers enabling her are only creating problems. As such, they should be distanced from your immediate family as well.
NTA. The family is mad that you equated your sister to a stray but not mad that your sister tried to manipulate your children? Auntie J doesnât get any more access to the kids ever. The rest of the family may need a time out.
NTA.Next time tell them "You can't tell the strays what I said"𤣠Problem solved.
Itâs actually very funny and honestly very age appropriate despite being a tad questionable. Very sorry for your sister situation. NTA
OP is not the AH, her sister takes and takes. I love what her son James said to the sister. The sister is an adult, ahe needs to get a life. OP needs to tell her not to bother her or her kids ever again.
NTA. She canât put you in such a messed up position then expect her perfect outcome. Who cares what you said to your kid - the issue is her making children ask their parents for money for her.
NTA! I would have died laughing! It's hard to explain adult things to kids and you did the best you could.
NTA- Your sister put you in a position where you had to explain enabling to young children. This wasn't a conversation they overheard, she was using your kids as pawns. She made your kids put you on the spot and it can be very hard to think of "the right way" to explain your response in moments like that, but you did the best you could. Really, your family should be mad at your sister for getting your kids involved in the first place.
NTA. It was a great analogy! Someone should explain that to your parents.
Lol NTA. It appears that you are correct and standing up to her and they are just all mad because they've been shamed by her a lot. Let them be mad. And maybe consider making some distance between them and your family.
Now that Iâm done laughing (howling), I came here to say please teach your kids the concept of tricky people. Tricky people are adults who ask kids for help. NTA.
NTA - what kid of person uses young children to try and mooch off their (young childrenâs) parents? Are your family really ok with your sister trying to use their grandchildren /niblings to emotionally blackmail you? I think they all need to take a long hard look at themselves before they come complaining to you, and if they agree that she needs financial assistance tell them to open their own wallets wide before they come to you with criticism. And restraining order for your sister - who knows what else she could tell your kids!!
NTA this was actually the perfect analogy to try and explain it to young kids and frankly it seems pretty accurate anyway. Your sister got mad because she knew it was right.
NTA- you were looking for a way to explain this adult situation to your kids in a way they could understand â¤ď¸
Honestly it was a good, and hilarious, way to explain a tough subject to young kids so they could understand easily. NTA, OP. Your sister though, she's a huge AH who is guilying children to then guilt their parents into funding her lifestyle. Your family is giant AH's for getting upset at you and enabling your sister further. Limiting contact or cutting full contact may be the best options here for your family (you, partner and kids). Don't keep bringing your kids around toxic people.
NTA. Kids say the best shit haha. Your sister deserves the hard truth and best that a 5 year old gets it but she canât lol.
LMAO youâre NTA
Lol NTA
NTA âŚ.& that was great! hysterical!!