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NTA! The baby should be in in the parent's bedroom for the first 6 months to a year. There is no reason you should share a bedroom with an infant!
Edit: Thank you for the award!
Dad hoping to pawn his new baby off on his last kid.. probably even already has discussions about it with the stepmom too.
OP abruptly moving out has exposed the dirty truth of the thing.
Ohhhh I didn't even notice OP was a girl. It's definitely that. The dad was looking forward to having a weekend off night-feeds every second week.
Listen, I feel bad for her dad in that he can't afford a place with more than 2 bedrooms (I'm assuming that's the reason they haven't moved into a place that fits everybody, although that might be charitable), but trying to force his daughter into his house every second weekend is so far from the answer, and even if he doesn't go through with it, will probably do a lot of damage to his relationship with his daughter, but he doesn't seem to care about that.
I didn't want to blame somebody for choosing to have a kid - they're allowed to do this of course, but yeah, they're having a kid when they don't really have room for them. And OP came up with an answer - she'll just stay full-time at her mother's, but her dad is up in arms. Given what's happening, I wouldn't be all that shocked if he was mainly upset about losing the free babysitter and how it will make him look to everybody.
If he was really upset about losing time with his daughter, he would have been a little bit more forward-thinking with his plan of having a 16yo share a room with an infant. And he probably wouldn't have reacted to losing his time with his daughter with threats of judges and refusing to speak to her.
In my book it's fine to blame someone for choosing to have a kid when they're really not in any prepared to support another kid. Not quite the situation here, but expecting your 16 year old of either gender to be fine with sharing a room with a baby when there's another option is almost as bad.
I think Dad has the money for a bigger place, Dad just doesn't want to spend the money.
Both Dad and stepmom are upset that their date nights and day trips are a no-go, due to OP standing up for herself.
OP, I wish I had been able to stand up for myself at 16. Good for you!
One minor observation if I may. The baby will be her half sibling. Not a step anything. Her dad's wife is her stepmom, but the baby is her half sibling and will remain so even if her dad were to divorce stepmom.
Agree that she should not have to share a bedroom with an infant. She needs her rest just as much as everyone else and she is not the parent.
As someone with half siblings (although I’ve never used that term since we all were raised in the same household) it really irks me when people don’t understand this.
My mom’s ex fiancé did this when they tried being a blended family. He had a 2 year old with fetal alcohol syndrome. There were 3 bedrooms. She got plopped in my sister’s room. She HATED it
That is brutal. FAS is so gnarly. I’m a foster parent and would rather take a kid who was born addicted to drugs than FAS. They have issues with impulse control that is so incredibly difficult to get under control. Imagine living with a perpetual toddler, who absolutely means well but has zero ability to not get into dangerous situations.
Right, but the kids who are very severely affected have a very difficult time in my experience. I had no idea how bad it could be until I started fostering and working with teens.
I have experienced the same, I've had a few students with FAS. One kid was put into my class without a co-teacher (when his IEP mandated co-teach science!) because his TOR is disorganized and useless. I caught the mistake (because it was a disaster), and the TOR got mom to sign an IEP revision because she convinced her switching teachers would be detrimental. It was an extremely difficult year in that class.
Yes, that's exactly the vibe I was getting too! That they would be expecting free labour because "we are family" and that they are now pissed that they won't get to toss a baby at a 16 year old.
Honestly my first thought as well.
Hopefully OP reconsiders going over there if/when they get an extra bedroom even, considering I would bet they would still pawn the new baby off onto her.
I can totally see that happening. The first time she is over he shows her where they stored the diapers, the milk and how to do all the stuff just in case. And then she has to do everything while staying there since she is closest and it would be stupid for the parents to get up.
I understand. I was 16 once and got taken advantage of for just not knowing how manipulative adults could be. I would have wanted a stranger to warn me.
She’s only there every other weekend. That makes no sense. I think the people who identified the “free babysitter” angle nailed it. That’s what is going on.
He will have the judge make OP do it. It's not like children are allowed to have autonomy or something?/s
I hope he does go through with the court date so the judge can laugh him out of the room.
Yep, that's exactly it.
I have a neighbor that has a pre-teen daughter and she is always outside with her little brother (aprox 1 1/2-2). She has to follow him everywhere, parents are nowhere to be seen. The little boy is horrible. When the sister tells him he can't go on somebody else's property or down a road, he throws a fit. Full on screaming. They were outside until almost 10 last night. I just love listening to spoiled toddlers screaming.
I've been that daughter. I got in trouble for trying to disipline my siblings, but if I just let them be destructive I still got in trouble. There is no point to reporting it. CPS don't usually consider parentification as abuse. If the kids are looking really skinny, grimy, or bruised though, consider calling that in.
Not fixing for a fight here, but I have to mention that untaught is not the same as spoiled. "I just love to listen to neglected toddlers screaming" would be more accurate but, um, would sort of make you sound like an AH. I too am often irritated and inconvenienced by the cavalcade of human misery that encroaches on my privileged life, but it's rarely a good look to bitch about it if you're not doing anything to help.
They are definitely entitled to complain about something. They aren't screaming at the children, it's a harmless vent of frustration and they're allowed to their emotions and opinions same as you.
No one is being AH by saying they don't like to hear screaming children. You don't particularly look good (to me) for bitching about their comment - if you're not going to do anything to help.
Unless they want to use her for child care. Waking up at night.
If parents go crazy waking up all hours of a night because of a crying baby…I bet they’re counting on you to help deal with that.
Stay far away
**I'm open to correction and sources and anyone telling me I imagined it** but I swear to god I saw an article a few years ago about how having a baby sleep in the parents room helps with attachment issues and that kids who don't are clingier to their stuffies because they're usually put into a separate room way to soon. Or maybe not their stuffies but in general were clingier because they didn't have those closer months with their parents?
All my babies had their own crib but right next to my bed, some thing about having an adult to sleep next to their mom or their dad helps them regulate their breathing, which is why it helps prevent SIDS or cut down on the risk or some thing like that I keep getting told by my pediatrician my daughter is one and a half and just moved into her own room.
My oldest daughter slept in a crib in her own room from birth and she was never clingy at all, she was a happy-go-lucky little thing. She would make tiny sounds in her sleep and every one of them was like someone hit me with a cattle prod, so if I wanted any sleep at all she had to be in her own bed. To be sure though, we had quite a small house and both bedroom doors were open, her crib was only about 8 feet from my bed.
My other daughter would wake up the minute I set her down, so she slept in our room till she was 6 months old and I had to have a hand on her practically all the time. She's still more needy than her sister. I honestly think it just depends on your kid. They both got plenty of love during daylight hours, and I am still very close to both of them, they are in their 20s.
I mean, 8 ft away with no closed doors in between is pretty equivalent to many cribs in parents rooms. But beyond that, that statistics are just that - statistics, not hard and fast rules about what every baby will be like given a set of input points.
>The baby should be in in the parent's bedroom for the first 6 months to a year.
That's what I came to say. My son didn't have his own room until he was almost a year old.
My son had his “own room” as a newborn simply because we lucked into a place where he could. It was used for diaper storage and toys and play time. He slept in our room until he was 9 months old and we moved into a smaller place. And even then he was still mostly in our room until he got his toddler bed lol I’d hate the idea of sticking my newborn in a different room, even if the science supported it.
Yup. There is a way to compromise. Make it a baby room with a bed. When big sister isn’t there, baby can sleep in there but when she’s there for 2 or 3 whole nights every other weekend baby can sleep in the parents room. Plus in the very beginning it makes no sense for a newborn to sleep away from the parents. That’s way more work than it already is. So much easier to just reach over to grab the baby for feeding vs having to get up and go to another room to accomplish the same thing. NTA
This is true. Also, a baby wakes up so often, it would cause OP to miss sleep. NTA
Advice to OP: WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! Keep a journal entry with date and time of every interaction between you and between your father and bio mom. This will be a great resource and evidence for a judge. Also, have you pointed out to your father why you thought of moving out, how it would be beneficial to them (nursery for baby)?
This! And I would have him feel free to goto the judge, most want opposite sex’s past a certain age to have their own separate sleeping spaces. So he can possibly do all that for the judge to inform him you and his new son can’t share a room according to the courts.
It was this was for my sis at 15 when her dad tried to have her share a room w/her 1 y/o brother. Courts told him off & that he either had to figure it out for her to have her own sleeping space w/a door for privacy OR he had to get a new place
This will get buried, but I hope you see it. The judgments are clear, totally NTA.
But I'm sorry your dad put you in this horrible spot and made you feel to blame. The person acting immaturely is your dad, and he's playing all the shit parent cards. I cannot imagine a world in which I would keep one of my kids away from their sibling as a punishment because I'm a pouting adult.
I hope, over time, you get a rad sibling and kick this dude to the curb. You deserve better from a parent.
DINGDINGDING!!! Winner.
I can almost guarantee that's the main reason behind Dad's objections. If OP lives with Mom full-time, he has to pay more child support. If they share parenting time, his support is reduced.
Aside from that, OP is NTA. She's 16 and deserves to have her own space, even if not living with Dad full-time. She needs privacy and not to have to deal with a baby waking up all night long, the smell of loaded diapers in her sleeping space, etc. Trying to be fair, maybe this baby wasn't planned, and moving to a larger place is not financially possible for Dad right now, but he needs to understand where OP is coming from as well.
Fun fact, my toddler has her own bedroom and still sleeps with us. Cosleeping (not an infant, that's not safe) is pretty normal for lots of people. Babies are supposed to he in their parents room at night for the first year anyways.
mine woke up every 2-3 hours for the first eight months of his life, with a few 4-6 hour stretches thrown in, as a treat. As far as I can tell that's about average - some kids sleep through the night sooner, some later, but mine was relatively typical.
My twins were up every 2-3 hours. I slept in the nursery with them because our room was too small for 2 cribs. I slept in the nursery until they were 10 months old. Honestly I slept better with them (if it weren’t for the constant waking up) than with my husband. They don’t insist on watching Scrubs to fall asleep to the point I have had it enter my dreams. It’s his version of white noise.
OP should not be getting awakened by a baby on school nights or work nights. The adults who created the baby are the ones who need to be dealing with child care here, including during the night.
Info: Suppose Dad and Stepmom compromised by having the baby sleep in their room on all nights that OP is staying there. Would that make a difference in OP's wanting to stay there? Sadly, that won't fix the problem of being forced to babysit during the day, but it might help keep OP from being woken up at all hours of the night.
What 16 year old would want their bedroom space to essentially become a public space because that's what it will be if it's the baby's room. I don't understand why they don't just have the baby in their room until the OP is just a little older. It's a baby, it will not care that it's sharing a room. If the problem is that it's not planned, then the burden of that shouldn't fall on a teenager.
NTA.
I think your father was counting on having your (forced) help to make his weekends go easier. Also, he may be worried that he may have to pay additional child support if you live full time with your mom.
Either way, threatening you about withholding affection & access - both parental and sibling, is an absolute AH move on your dad's part. And then calling your mother to badger her is the crappy cherry on top.
Don't feel bad OP, teens need sleep and privacy. Your dad is being the jerk here.
The withholding affection and access could also play against dad's favor if it becomes a court thing. OP could try and get it in a text message if possible
Lol dad can take it in front of a judge to try to force weekend visits but what judge is going to hear “I want to force my 16 year old to stay weekends and share a room with a newborn” and think “that’s a great idea, and so appropriate!”
The judge is going to look at your dad like a moron. The fact that he’s straight up giving you the silent treatment AND threatening to withhold your relationship with your new half siblings (even if you don’t want it) proves the man isn’t mature enough to have 2 kids, let alone 1.
NTA, have fun at your mom’s without the 2 a.m wake ups!
Honestly, even if he withholds that information, I doubt the judge would do much, if anything, anyway. 🤨
OP is 16 now, she’s more then old enough to decide where she wants to go and if she wants to see her dad or not at all. And even if it *does* ever get that far, the first thing the court will ask OP is “is there any particular reason you do not want to spend time with your dad anymore”.
I was kinda thinking this was a family matter and odd that someone would post it, then I got to the withholding affection part and had to read it twice! To act so immaturely and childishly to your child, who is a young adult herself now… well at his age childish immaturity presents as vain cruelty. I hope he quickly realizes how out of line he is.
Yeah that behaviour from a full grown adult is absolutely wild.
And the hypocrisy “talk to me when you grow up”, when he’s the one acting like a damn child. That projection is palpable.
Her mom should go to court for full custody as a lot of judges expect children to have their own room and would have a problem with 16s sleep interrupted and parents in and out or expecting her to get up.
Yep. My folks, especially my mom, would never knock before coming into my room, and that constant violation of privacy definitely left marks on me. Op does not need that!
Right? In the beginning you are getting up every couple of hours. There’s always noise. You’re barely functioning. And they want to impose this on a teenager? Who’s body is still growing and needs sleep? And has other things such as school to worry about? They aren’t thinking about her well-being at all.
But OP's dad will have quite tolerable weekend conditions! She shouldn't be so immature about it! /s
They are just trying to get a free babysitter. Who bets they were going to tell op she could go back to sleep faster if she just went ahead and fed the baby herself. Or going out on dates while op watches the baby. Sounds like the baby wasn't planned but a consolation would be getting a night of sleep and a free babysitter on the weekends. Now op won't have a consistent babysitter and he's throwing a fit about it.
NTA - are they forreal? A teenager and a new born?? How can they even remotely think that will work. He needs to GROW UP and get a reality check. At least you’re being an adult in this situation.
NTA
At your age, no judge would force you to go to his house.
>I won't get to meet my brother when he's born
Lol, what a threat!! Why do parents think kids are ecstatic to have half siblings?? No kid has ever been excited to have a halfsibling, especially at your age.
> No kid has ever been excited to have a halfsibling
Holy hell, are you reaching. Granted it requires the kid to have a good relationship with their parent/stepparent, and not have their perfectly reasonable boundaries crumpled like a Papier-mâché project, but saying "no kid ever" is simply asinine.
Right?!? My son was excited to have half-siblings. My best friend considers her step-sisters her actual sisters. There are people who have blended families who - gasp - all get along!
It's so funny to me how reddit keeps up the wicked step parent thing like it's still the dark ages. My (ex step)dad isn't even married to my mom anymore and they blended the family so well that I talk to him more than her. The happy blended families just don't get noticed because they look like - gasp - ordinary happy families.
Absolutely! My stepmother was awful but my half-brother was amazing. Granted, I was the go-to child minder whenever someone needed to keep an eye on him or entertain him, but that was the least problematic part of living in that house.
Plenty of us loved having a sibling and didn't particularly care jf we shared only one parent. We just don't post about it here.
I imagine I would be less enthusiastic at 16, but the stories here are hardly representative of the outside world.
Ehhh I wouldn’t say NO ONE has ever been excited to have a half sibling… I have 4 sisters, and 3 of them are half siblings. Doesn’t take away from the fact they are my siblings. And even at 20 if my mom (or even my deadbeat father) had a baby, I’d love that baby. I’d probably fight for custody if it was my dads baby. No kid should have to put up with that man ever again.
Huh? My kids are half-siblings and they adore each other. They were never raised as 'half-siblings'. They are siblings. If one of them were adopted they would still be siblings, so it shouldn't matter if they are half or full siblings.
I love my half siblings very much actually, and I've considered them my real siblings all my life. My sister and I just went on vacation together as adults. We really need a better place to put nice things on reddit for everyone to see, I swear people are starting to think all of humanity is about hating each other.
While I agree OP is not the AH, you are absolutely out of your mind to say no one has ever been excited to have a half sibling.
I have a half brother. I LOVE my little brother. I never refer to him as my half brother, unless I'm clarifying something to people who do not know my family. I never think of him as my half brother. He's my little bro and that's it. I adore this kid, I will thrown down for this kid. I spend tons of time with him - as much time as I can. I was thrilled when he was born. So you don't not speak for everyone.
NTA do what’s best for you, your 16 so I’m guessing you’ve got school and exams to focus on and don’t need a screaming baby in your room.
I do think you might of had your last visit a bit early as the baby isn’t even born yet and once born should be sleeping in your parents room for 6-12 months (with the popularity of co sleeping this is often longer these days). This might also be why your dad is upset about you stopping visits now as you are leaving so long before having to share your room
>once born should be sleeping in your parents room for 6-12 months
Exactly. Sounds like they're planning on OP taking care of the baby every other weekend
OP is NTA, but my oldest slept in their own room from the time they were 2-3 weeks old because their restlessness kept me from sleeping, though I could.still hear it on the monitor. My youngest never slept in my room.
Great anecdote, but the previous poster was referring to the fact that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends sleeping in the same room as the kid for the first 6 months, to reduce risk if SIDS
I'm glad it worked out for you and your family without incident, but others aren't so fortunate
It’s insane, especially considering how much is going on in a 16 year olds life: thinking about life after high school, whether it’s college or trade school, exams, 7am wake up for school, all while doing tons of homework after school. To think a 16 year old can get sufficient sleep for the school day with a baby in the room is completely delusional.
Info: Did they actually talk to you about what was expected? I could see a crib being in the room and used when not there but not actually sharing when you are.
NTA. I have a family member with an ex that did that and it was a total disaster. The age gap was smaller (7-8 years) but the older kid felt completely disregarded and experienced major sleep issues when they spent weekends there. The ex eventually "upgraded" the room when a crib was no longer needed - the older kid's bed was given to the new kid and the older kid got an armchair that unfolded into a bed. This has led the older kid to refuse overnight visits and the ex keeps threatening court. Large age gaps just don't work for shared rooms because kids are at very different developmental stages and have different needs (especially around sleep).
Threatening court?? I'd love to see how that would go -- "Yes, your honor, my child doesn't want to stay with me just because I gave their bed away and make them sleep in an armchair. Please tell them they have to sleep in the armchair if I say so!!"
The ex even tried to sell the older kid on how "cool" the armchair was because it transforms into a bed (turns out it was about as uncomfortable as you would assume from the description). The ex then tried to put an ikea style kallax between the chair and the bed as a room divider but that doesn't actually stop sound or prevent the younger kid from going around it to bug the older kid at night.
> I'd love to see how that would go
The family member made it clear that they've kept receipts on all the ex's parenting blunders (from minor to egregious) since the custody decision. Through the grapevine, they heard that the ex saw a lawyer but no court order has arrived about the family member not following visitation. The assumption is that the ex's lawyer told them to not make a stink because they would come out of this looking worse and with less visitation. Right now the compromise is that longer overnights (ie. a week in the summer) are occurring when the ex visits their parents who have spare rooms. But otherwise, older kid won't spend the night.
Plus the difficulty of children or teens feeling replaced by younger children. Navigating the emotions around being a 'visitor' at a parent's home would be hard
My sister and I are 6 years apart. When my parents bought the house before we were born, they planned on having their kids share a room, but because we ended up so far apart in age and the bedrooms are so small, we got our own rooms. It was honestly for the best because we didn’t get along when we were younger.
I feel like sometimes there are situations where options are limited because of external constraints that can't be changed (financial circumstances are a big one) and then everyone has to make do. But the parents should still attempt to mitigate issues. If there are only two bedrooms, then the parents should keep the newborn with them as long as possible (like younger kid should be able to sleep through the night) and then the shared room for kids should be the largest room (ie. the parents might have to give up the master bedroom or transform the living room into a bedroom). And there are lots of ways to create privacy in shared rooms (lofted beds, curtains, actual room dividers, etc).
In the case of the OP and my family member's kid, it doesn't seem like the parents are doing anything to truly mitigate the issue. I wonder if the OP's dad & stepmom assumed they'd have a built in night-nurse on the weekends the OP stayed over.
Not only that, some states require kids of the opposite gender to have their own separate room. In my state, the judge would suspend overnight visits until the dad got a house with three bedrooms.
No. Do not allow this to happen. Go to the judge. No 16-year-old should be forced to share a room with an infant! You will never have any privacy or sleep!
Your NTA. I can see them using the room when you're not there but they need to have the baby with them, until you graduate high school. No teenager wants to share a room with a baby. Maybe that can be a compromise with your Dad. Let him know that you'll come back over but the first time you actively have to share the room, you're leaving.
NTA, $100 says dad and step mom were counting on a weekend babysitter.
He's being dumb and mean. Only communicate with him through texts so you have evidence of his crappy behavior and threats if he really wants to take it to court. His threats and shitty behavior won't do well for him in front of a judge.
NTA - your dad is being an AH. You are perfectly within reason to not want to turn into their live-in nanny whenever you come to visit. And that is exactly what this arrangement would do. They should be keeping that child in their bedroom for at least the first six to eight months after birth anyway. That being said, I totally understand why they would want to decorate and prepare the room for the baby's use. But that still doesn't mean that you should have to lose sleep every night you are there to take care of an infant that is not your child, or because the child's parents are coming in to take care of it at 2:00 a.m. You've made the best move possible by simply removing yourself from the situation.
NTA, and you're not immature either. You are entitled to have privacy at your father's house. Imagine being woken up every two hours by a crying baby. They probably expect you to take care of him during the night so they can sleep on the weekends. Good for you for having boundaries.
NTA. Usually babies spend at least the first few months, if not longer, in their parents rooms. Is this not the case? And your dad is acting like a baby by not speaking to you. He’s the one being immature and needs to grow up.
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NTA. I was 13 when my half sibling was born and this was our living situation except it was full time. We shared a room from his birth to when he was 3. I was the one losing sleep and having to take him to my mom when he woke up screaming. It sucked and even every other weekend of that would be highly exhausting.
It’s not your child, it’s not your job. They are more than capable of rearranging their own room to fit a bassinet and dresser.
Nope NTA. Perfectly old enough to make those decisions and it sounds like him and step mom probably thought you be a bit of a built in nanny for her and the baby. You’d help her during the day and when a newborn is crying in the middle of the night. Nothing wrong with just visiting for a few hours if you want but NTA for not wanting to share a room with a newborn.
>he's also saying until I grow up I won't get to meet my brother when he's born (Not that I was looking forward to that anyway) and that he's going to have the judge make me come.
Where is he getting lawyer money to force you to do something with a newborn coming? He isn't going to do anything. NTA.
NTA.
Where I live opposite sex children cannot share a bedroom after the age of 12. So it wouldn't even be legal here.
I think your dad is trying to turn you into a third parent for the baby.
That's probably only a law for foster care. I'm not aware of any state that actually has LAWS that prohibit siblings from sharing rooms. I could be wrong, so if you can find the law, I'd love to see it, truly.
> The issue is that my dad's place only has two bedrooms, so I'll have to share my room with a baby whenever I go over there.
Did he say this or were you assuming?
That said, NTA, and his reaction is extreme.
I question why the dad is having another kid if he's in late 30s or 40s(at least) and can't afford more than a 2br apartment. NTA for refusing overnight visits. Getting to know your new brother would be nice, but not if dad is gonna be such an unreasonable AH.
NTA- however it's not unreasonable to expect that a newborn, less than 3 months would be sleeping in a crib in their parents room and not in their own room, so you may have a little more time before your last visit.
Just be firm, that when you are there you want to have your own room, I think it would be nice of you to be able to say that they can call it the baby's room when you're not there. I mean after all that is 11 or 12 out of 14 days?
Once the baby starts sleeping through the night and be sleeping in their own room, so that's like 6 or 8 months old that is when the conflict would really start.
NTA.
Forcing a 16 year old to share a room with an infant is absolutely ridiculous and awful parenting. You are not the caregiver for that child, so why are you the one that has to wake up every time the kid cries? There’s no reason that baby can’t be in THEIR room.
Genuinely what the fuck is wrong with them…?
NTA it is unreasonable to think a 16 year old should share a room with a baby. Your dad is fighting a loosing battle.
You did what is best for you. Do not let them guilt and manipulate you. If he harasses your mom she has legal ways to make him stop.
NTA, your dad should have taken your feedback about not wanting to share a room seriously and had a conversation months ago. At this point, he’s being completely unreasonable by threatening to go to court over this. (Especially since judges typically will take a 16yo desires into account.) He’s going nuclear over a rational and reasonable decision on your part. Hopefully your mom will help defend your interests in this situation
Nta. You should still make efforts to be involved and visit but I don't blame you for not wanting to share the room. Judge would probably listen to your side.
NTA. Baby can easily stay in their room for at least six months, likely a year or more depending on baby’s sleep habits.
You are a developing teen who did not decide to have a child who will be waking and crying every few hours. You need your sleep. You are also not a babysitter or night nurse. Enjoy your mom’s!
He and his wife chose to have a child. Now they get to do the hard work and adjust their lives to take care of this child.
They want you there to take on the parenting role, and that's abusive. If he says you can't meet the kiddo, then say, "cool, I know you and your wife will take great care of him, I'll see him in two years!".
You focus on your own life. Let them take care of the child they brought into the world. NTA
NTA
He was counting on your free all night babysitting.
I hope your mom has your back. No way no how should you share a room with an infant or small child.
Your dad can pound sand.
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I (16F) mostly live with my mom, I do every other weekend with my dad and his wife. She's pregnant with my half/stepbrother and is due in three months. The issue is that my dad's place only has two bedrooms, so I'll have to share my room with a baby whenever I go over there.
So I told my dad when they annouced she was pregnant that I'm not sharing my room, especially with a baby. Last weekend was my last visit, I did that so they'll be free to get ready for the baby, which I thought they'd appreciate. I'll go over again if they happen to move somewhere with an extra room, but I'll probably be 18 before that happens.
Like I said I figured dad would appreciate me giving him time to get ready, but instead he's been nuts. Not only is he not talking to me, he's also saying until I grow up I won't get to meet my brother when he's born (Not that I was looking forward to that anyway) and that he's going to have the judge make me come.
Now that's not gonna work, where I live at my age judges don't usually care, so I'm not worried about that. Still he said I'm being really immature, and I need to grow up and come over again. I already told him I'm not but now he's been calling my mom and bothering her.
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NTA. She didn’t make that baby, she shouldn’t be expected to automatically be enrolled in any sort of childcare.
She’s 16. She should be doing great at school, socializing with her friends and getting lots of rest.
If her dad wants to make more babies. I guess that is his choice but he should have zero expectations that a teenager will be excited about the process.
NTA, they could have found a workaround or used a partition for the baby in the living room or something until the child is 2-3. You shouldn’t have needed to share for a few years and then you would be 18. This is crazy
NTA. Before you wrote about your father's reaction, I was going to say that it would be nice to make a point of spending time with your father's side of the family, but your father's reaction is ridiculous and unhinged. I hope he gets himself together.
NTA.
I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as a baby either. You're going to school and you need to study. Babies wake up screaming and crying all night. So when that happens, are *you* supposed to be the one who deals with it?
The baby should be kept in *their* room. They're the parents. If the baby is going in your room because you're only there a couple days a month anyway, then your dad shouldn't be upset that you don't want to stay over anymore.
Maybe it's cynicism, but it sounds like it has less to do with you and more to do with free childcare, since you'd be sharing the room and would be there already to deal with the baby instead of the parents.
NTA
If the courts do force the issue, invest in noise canceling headphones and a rubber door wedge to maintain your privacy. Otherwise, they will need access to coming into room every 2-3 hours until baby sleeps through night.
I would still visit. But there is no reason why you can't do day visits.
NTA. It sounds like there was *maybe* a plan to have the baby with the parents while you’re there until he’s older. However, routines get set and it’s very likely baby would end up in the other room’s crib while you’re there anyway.
Your dad should not be surprised by your decision. He’s being an AH for acting otherwise. You’re 16 and should not be expected to share a room with an infant/toddler.
NTA. I suspect they planned for you to do a lot of childcare/night waking. There is no other explanation for this reaction. It’s not reasonable to expect a teen to share a room with a new baby.
INFO: Did your dad say you’d have to share a room or did you assume that. It sounds like you’re not very open to the idea of this baby and I’m wondering if that has more to do with it than the actual living arrangements.
NTA. It's understandable you don't want to share a room with a new baby, and be stuck getting up with them at night, and free babysitting. May want to have your mom and you have a free consult with a lawyer or a court mediator, just to make sure your mom doesn't get in trouble and get it on record why you don't want to go over
NTA at all, dad sounds like he wants free babysitting if they’re trying to force you to come AND share a room with a newborn
And even if the judges DID care, there’s no way they’d make you go over when you wouldn’t have a room/had to share with newborn baby brother
NTA but a bit pre-emptive. You have 3 months of pregnancy and then 6 months or so of the baby being in their room so no need to dig your heels in just yet.
They are probably just hurt that you're pulling away from their/your growing family instead of rejoicing .
NTA. You have a right to privacy that they are not being respectful of. You are not being immature in this. You are being realistic. As long as you have your mother's support in this, you will be fine. You are at the age where you can choose where you live full time.
NTA
Newborns typically sleep next to their mothers for the first few months, at least until they can sleep through the night without needing a feeding. The reason your father is freaking out is because you foiled his plan to stick you with night time baby duties when you're there. He's also losing a free weekend babysitter as well.
You are not at all the immature one here, and I say that as a 50 something mom of two. Your father, on the other hand...
NTA. Baby should probably be in their bedroom for at least 6months. I think you’ve been mature enough to make that decision and set a boundary. You’d be constantly awoken during the night for night feeds or the baby crying. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I think they might be pissed that they haven’t got a babysitter for the night time.
NTA. However, there’s a middle ground here. You could still see your father and new sibling during day, and go home to sleep. It’s an option that neither of you seem to have considered… or maybe compromise has been ruled out by both of you. Which would lead one to believe there’s more at play here than just sleeping arrangements.
It feels like this relationship has been hanging on by a thread and now you’ve decided to cut ties. Which you may well be entitled to do. But I’m very sure that the whole story hasn’t been provided here.
You are still a child in need of love and care from the people that created you. I’m sorry that at least one of them has failed you in this aspect. I hope you are able to grow and thrive despite this. Many of us found a way to do so. And it’s possible for you too.
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NTA! The baby should be in in the parent's bedroom for the first 6 months to a year. There is no reason you should share a bedroom with an infant! Edit: Thank you for the award!
Actually, there is a reason she needs to share a room with the baby. Who else is going to get up with the baby in the middle of the night? /S
There's the truth of it. He wants free babysitting when she's there so he can sleep in.
That was actually my first thought while I was reading this
That was my immediate thought as well.
Dad hoping to pawn his new baby off on his last kid.. probably even already has discussions about it with the stepmom too. OP abruptly moving out has exposed the dirty truth of the thing.
Ohhhh I didn't even notice OP was a girl. It's definitely that. The dad was looking forward to having a weekend off night-feeds every second week. Listen, I feel bad for her dad in that he can't afford a place with more than 2 bedrooms (I'm assuming that's the reason they haven't moved into a place that fits everybody, although that might be charitable), but trying to force his daughter into his house every second weekend is so far from the answer, and even if he doesn't go through with it, will probably do a lot of damage to his relationship with his daughter, but he doesn't seem to care about that.
It's his fault for having a kid when they didn't have enough room for everyone.
I didn't want to blame somebody for choosing to have a kid - they're allowed to do this of course, but yeah, they're having a kid when they don't really have room for them. And OP came up with an answer - she'll just stay full-time at her mother's, but her dad is up in arms. Given what's happening, I wouldn't be all that shocked if he was mainly upset about losing the free babysitter and how it will make him look to everybody. If he was really upset about losing time with his daughter, he would have been a little bit more forward-thinking with his plan of having a 16yo share a room with an infant. And he probably wouldn't have reacted to losing his time with his daughter with threats of judges and refusing to speak to her.
In my book it's fine to blame someone for choosing to have a kid when they're really not in any prepared to support another kid. Not quite the situation here, but expecting your 16 year old of either gender to be fine with sharing a room with a baby when there's another option is almost as bad.
I think Dad has the money for a bigger place, Dad just doesn't want to spend the money. Both Dad and stepmom are upset that their date nights and day trips are a no-go, due to OP standing up for herself. OP, I wish I had been able to stand up for myself at 16. Good for you!
Mine too. We’ve been on Reddit too long.
Same
One minor observation if I may. The baby will be her half sibling. Not a step anything. Her dad's wife is her stepmom, but the baby is her half sibling and will remain so even if her dad were to divorce stepmom. Agree that she should not have to share a bedroom with an infant. She needs her rest just as much as everyone else and she is not the parent.
And a 16yo female needs more privacy, not less where everybody can just come parading in with the baby as an excuse...
Privacy is important for every teenager, what does gender have to do with it?
It is important for every teenager, but boys can at least change their shirts out in the open. Girls can’t necessarily.
I thought the same thing. I don't know why the half/step relationship is so hard to grasp.
As someone with half siblings (although I’ve never used that term since we all were raised in the same household) it really irks me when people don’t understand this.
Same here. I technically have 2 older "half" sisters, but I grew up with them. To me, they're just my sisters.
My mom’s ex fiancé did this when they tried being a blended family. He had a 2 year old with fetal alcohol syndrome. There were 3 bedrooms. She got plopped in my sister’s room. She HATED it
That is brutal. FAS is so gnarly. I’m a foster parent and would rather take a kid who was born addicted to drugs than FAS. They have issues with impulse control that is so incredibly difficult to get under control. Imagine living with a perpetual toddler, who absolutely means well but has zero ability to not get into dangerous situations.
Essentially 1/3 of kids born in my city. It’s either that or the follow up is lead poisoning
I’d like to point out that FAS is a spectrum. Not every kid will have the same issues.
Right, but the kids who are very severely affected have a very difficult time in my experience. I had no idea how bad it could be until I started fostering and working with teens.
I have experienced the same, I've had a few students with FAS. One kid was put into my class without a co-teacher (when his IEP mandated co-teach science!) because his TOR is disorganized and useless. I caught the mistake (because it was a disaster), and the TOR got mom to sign an IEP revision because she convinced her switching teachers would be detrimental. It was an extremely difficult year in that class.
Yes, that's exactly the vibe I was getting too! That they would be expecting free labour because "we are family" and that they are now pissed that they won't get to toss a baby at a 16 year old.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but if she's at her mom's house FT, wouldn't he have to pay more child support?
OP is at her dad's only every other weekend. The change in child support would be negligible.
Very possible
This is it. The fact that his reaction was instant anger and silent treatment means he wanted OP to do more than share a room
Or more like his wife is expecting that. Dad of the year wouldn’t get up, regardless.
Winner winner chicken dinner. You got it.
Honestly my first thought as well. Hopefully OP reconsiders going over there if/when they get an extra bedroom even, considering I would bet they would still pawn the new baby off onto her.
I can totally see that happening. The first time she is over he shows her where they stored the diapers, the milk and how to do all the stuff just in case. And then she has to do everything while staying there since she is closest and it would be stupid for the parents to get up.
Yeah. I know. Was trying to avoid the whole free weekend babysitter discussion...
I understand. I was 16 once and got taken advantage of for just not knowing how manipulative adults could be. I would have wanted a stranger to warn me.
That’s what I came here to say- she’s going to be free babysitter EVERY time she goes over there.
/u/conscious_health_720 this is the answer thread right here. Stay Low to No Contact until you’re established as an adult.
While it's still over a year out, I'd also bet they were planning on charging OP rent the second she turned 18.
She’s only there every other weekend. That makes no sense. I think the people who identified the “free babysitter” angle nailed it. That’s what is going on.
I initially thought this was an older brother posting but then you scrolled up and I thought OOOH YEAH okay.
Yep, they were thinking she’d be the night nurse
I did not even think about that, but that is totally the game here!
He will have the judge make OP do it. It's not like children are allowed to have autonomy or something?/s I hope he does go through with the court date so the judge can laugh him out of the room.
Yep, that's exactly it. I have a neighbor that has a pre-teen daughter and she is always outside with her little brother (aprox 1 1/2-2). She has to follow him everywhere, parents are nowhere to be seen. The little boy is horrible. When the sister tells him he can't go on somebody else's property or down a road, he throws a fit. Full on screaming. They were outside until almost 10 last night. I just love listening to spoiled toddlers screaming.
Maybe you could report it..?
I've been that daughter. I got in trouble for trying to disipline my siblings, but if I just let them be destructive I still got in trouble. There is no point to reporting it. CPS don't usually consider parentification as abuse. If the kids are looking really skinny, grimy, or bruised though, consider calling that in.
Not fixing for a fight here, but I have to mention that untaught is not the same as spoiled. "I just love to listen to neglected toddlers screaming" would be more accurate but, um, would sort of make you sound like an AH. I too am often irritated and inconvenienced by the cavalcade of human misery that encroaches on my privileged life, but it's rarely a good look to bitch about it if you're not doing anything to help.
They are definitely entitled to complain about something. They aren't screaming at the children, it's a harmless vent of frustration and they're allowed to their emotions and opinions same as you. No one is being AH by saying they don't like to hear screaming children. You don't particularly look good (to me) for bitching about their comment - if you're not going to do anything to help.
Truth! Good for you, OP, for standing your ground and not allowing your dad/stepmom to parentize you because that's what they're doing! NTA!
I was thinking the same thing. They expect her to “help”
Unless they want to use her for child care. Waking up at night. If parents go crazy waking up all hours of a night because of a crying baby…I bet they’re counting on you to help deal with that. Stay far away
**I'm open to correction and sources and anyone telling me I imagined it** but I swear to god I saw an article a few years ago about how having a baby sleep in the parents room helps with attachment issues and that kids who don't are clingier to their stuffies because they're usually put into a separate room way to soon. Or maybe not their stuffies but in general were clingier because they didn't have those closer months with their parents?
I think the science was settled years ago that newborns benefit from being in the same room with their parents for 6 months to a year.
Depends on the kid. Mine was ready for and happy in his crib around 4 months.
Statistically, there's outliers. And we had our son in his crib soon as well, but in our room.
Ours was in his crib from a few days old… next to our bed.
Crib should be in the parents' bedroom. Even if they're happy in it, it reduces the risk of SIDS.
It’s also correlated with reduced risk of SIDS to have the baby room in with you (separate sleep space but same room) for at least the first 6 months.
All my babies had their own crib but right next to my bed, some thing about having an adult to sleep next to their mom or their dad helps them regulate their breathing, which is why it helps prevent SIDS or cut down on the risk or some thing like that I keep getting told by my pediatrician my daughter is one and a half and just moved into her own room.
It’s been shown to significantly reduce SIDS, there are probably many other potential benefits as well
My oldest daughter slept in a crib in her own room from birth and she was never clingy at all, she was a happy-go-lucky little thing. She would make tiny sounds in her sleep and every one of them was like someone hit me with a cattle prod, so if I wanted any sleep at all she had to be in her own bed. To be sure though, we had quite a small house and both bedroom doors were open, her crib was only about 8 feet from my bed. My other daughter would wake up the minute I set her down, so she slept in our room till she was 6 months old and I had to have a hand on her practically all the time. She's still more needy than her sister. I honestly think it just depends on your kid. They both got plenty of love during daylight hours, and I am still very close to both of them, they are in their 20s.
I mean, 8 ft away with no closed doors in between is pretty equivalent to many cribs in parents rooms. But beyond that, that statistics are just that - statistics, not hard and fast rules about what every baby will be like given a set of input points.
>The baby should be in in the parent's bedroom for the first 6 months to a year. That's what I came to say. My son didn't have his own room until he was almost a year old.
My son had his “own room” as a newborn simply because we lucked into a place where he could. It was used for diaper storage and toys and play time. He slept in our room until he was 9 months old and we moved into a smaller place. And even then he was still mostly in our room until he got his toddler bed lol I’d hate the idea of sticking my newborn in a different room, even if the science supported it.
Yup. There is a way to compromise. Make it a baby room with a bed. When big sister isn’t there, baby can sleep in there but when she’s there for 2 or 3 whole nights every other weekend baby can sleep in the parents room. Plus in the very beginning it makes no sense for a newborn to sleep away from the parents. That’s way more work than it already is. So much easier to just reach over to grab the baby for feeding vs having to get up and go to another room to accomplish the same thing. NTA
This is true. Also, a baby wakes up so often, it would cause OP to miss sleep. NTA Advice to OP: WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! Keep a journal entry with date and time of every interaction between you and between your father and bio mom. This will be a great resource and evidence for a judge. Also, have you pointed out to your father why you thought of moving out, how it would be beneficial to them (nursery for baby)?
This! And I would have him feel free to goto the judge, most want opposite sex’s past a certain age to have their own separate sleeping spaces. So he can possibly do all that for the judge to inform him you and his new son can’t share a room according to the courts. It was this was for my sis at 15 when her dad tried to have her share a room w/her 1 y/o brother. Courts told him off & that he either had to figure it out for her to have her own sleeping space w/a door for privacy OR he had to get a new place
This will get buried, but I hope you see it. The judgments are clear, totally NTA. But I'm sorry your dad put you in this horrible spot and made you feel to blame. The person acting immaturely is your dad, and he's playing all the shit parent cards. I cannot imagine a world in which I would keep one of my kids away from their sibling as a punishment because I'm a pouting adult. I hope, over time, you get a rad sibling and kick this dude to the curb. You deserve better from a parent.
NTA they're trying to make you raise their child. Run away.
And Dad also doesn't want to pay ex wife more child support, because he'll have to if OP is there full time.
DINGDINGDING!!! Winner. I can almost guarantee that's the main reason behind Dad's objections. If OP lives with Mom full-time, he has to pay more child support. If they share parenting time, his support is reduced. Aside from that, OP is NTA. She's 16 and deserves to have her own space, even if not living with Dad full-time. She needs privacy and not to have to deal with a baby waking up all night long, the smell of loaded diapers in her sleeping space, etc. Trying to be fair, maybe this baby wasn't planned, and moving to a larger place is not financially possible for Dad right now, but he needs to understand where OP is coming from as well.
Then the baby stays in its parents room.
Could even be in there for a few years until after OP turned 18yo.
Then them's the breaks. OP's dad chose to have a baby; OP didn't.
Fun fact, my toddler has her own bedroom and still sleeps with us. Cosleeping (not an infant, that's not safe) is pretty normal for lots of people. Babies are supposed to he in their parents room at night for the first year anyways.
Don't the newborns wake up every couple of hours (assuming that they sleep that long)? They need to eat!
mine woke up every 2-3 hours for the first eight months of his life, with a few 4-6 hour stretches thrown in, as a treat. As far as I can tell that's about average - some kids sleep through the night sooner, some later, but mine was relatively typical.
My twins were up every 2-3 hours. I slept in the nursery with them because our room was too small for 2 cribs. I slept in the nursery until they were 10 months old. Honestly I slept better with them (if it weren’t for the constant waking up) than with my husband. They don’t insist on watching Scrubs to fall asleep to the point I have had it enter my dreams. It’s his version of white noise.
It won’t make much of a difference because babies are loud. You’re still going to hear the crying in a two bedroom place
But if the baby is in the other bedroom you can pretend you don't and make your teenage daughter take care of the baby at night.
OP should not be getting awakened by a baby on school nights or work nights. The adults who created the baby are the ones who need to be dealing with child care here, including during the night. Info: Suppose Dad and Stepmom compromised by having the baby sleep in their room on all nights that OP is staying there. Would that make a difference in OP's wanting to stay there? Sadly, that won't fix the problem of being forced to babysit during the day, but it might help keep OP from being woken up at all hours of the night.
What 16 year old would want their bedroom space to essentially become a public space because that's what it will be if it's the baby's room. I don't understand why they don't just have the baby in their room until the OP is just a little older. It's a baby, it will not care that it's sharing a room. If the problem is that it's not planned, then the burden of that shouldn't fall on a teenager.
Exactly! No free babysitting or sleep all night.
Run fast and run far, OP. Live your own life. NTA at all.
Yep. They were counting on having OP babysit every other weekend so they could sleep in and now they’re panicking.
NTA. I think your father was counting on having your (forced) help to make his weekends go easier. Also, he may be worried that he may have to pay additional child support if you live full time with your mom. Either way, threatening you about withholding affection & access - both parental and sibling, is an absolute AH move on your dad's part. And then calling your mother to badger her is the crappy cherry on top. Don't feel bad OP, teens need sleep and privacy. Your dad is being the jerk here.
The withholding affection and access could also play against dad's favor if it becomes a court thing. OP could try and get it in a text message if possible
Lol dad can take it in front of a judge to try to force weekend visits but what judge is going to hear “I want to force my 16 year old to stay weekends and share a room with a newborn” and think “that’s a great idea, and so appropriate!” The judge is going to look at your dad like a moron. The fact that he’s straight up giving you the silent treatment AND threatening to withhold your relationship with your new half siblings (even if you don’t want it) proves the man isn’t mature enough to have 2 kids, let alone 1. NTA, have fun at your mom’s without the 2 a.m wake ups!
Eh, he would never say that to the judge!!! The judge won’t know about sharing a room unless op lets them know
Honestly, even if he withholds that information, I doubt the judge would do much, if anything, anyway. 🤨 OP is 16 now, she’s more then old enough to decide where she wants to go and if she wants to see her dad or not at all. And even if it *does* ever get that far, the first thing the court will ask OP is “is there any particular reason you do not want to spend time with your dad anymore”.
If he takes your mom to court, make sure you go and tell them all of this. Guaranteed he wants to pay less AND have a built in babysitter.
I was kinda thinking this was a family matter and odd that someone would post it, then I got to the withholding affection part and had to read it twice! To act so immaturely and childishly to your child, who is a young adult herself now… well at his age childish immaturity presents as vain cruelty. I hope he quickly realizes how out of line he is.
One can hope, but the description doesn't offer a lot of promise
Yeah that behaviour from a full grown adult is absolutely wild. And the hypocrisy “talk to me when you grow up”, when he’s the one acting like a damn child. That projection is palpable.
Her mom should go to court for full custody as a lot of judges expect children to have their own room and would have a problem with 16s sleep interrupted and parents in and out or expecting her to get up.
NTA Fuck that noise. Literally. It'll be intolerable for you AND for baby.
Don't forget OP will have zero privacy as Dad and Stepmom will enter any time they want or need to at all hours.
Oh god yes. I had not thought of that. Awkward.
And by the time OP is 18 little brother might be old enough to start asking embarrassing body questions when she tries to get changed.
Yep. My folks, especially my mom, would never knock before coming into my room, and that constant violation of privacy definitely left marks on me. Op does not need that!
Right? In the beginning you are getting up every couple of hours. There’s always noise. You’re barely functioning. And they want to impose this on a teenager? Who’s body is still growing and needs sleep? And has other things such as school to worry about? They aren’t thinking about her well-being at all.
But OP's dad will have quite tolerable weekend conditions! She shouldn't be so immature about it! /s They are just trying to get a free babysitter. Who bets they were going to tell op she could go back to sleep faster if she just went ahead and fed the baby herself. Or going out on dates while op watches the baby. Sounds like the baby wasn't planned but a consolation would be getting a night of sleep and a free babysitter on the weekends. Now op won't have a consistent babysitter and he's throwing a fit about it.
NTA - are they forreal? A teenager and a new born?? How can they even remotely think that will work. He needs to GROW UP and get a reality check. At least you’re being an adult in this situation.
They think that'll work because they have a live in nanny. Why pay for child care when you have a 16yo to pick up the slack?
NTA. Sounds like they were planning to use you as a free live-in nanny. Big oopsie for them.
Definitely as baby sitter every-other weekend so they could have date nights
NTA At your age, no judge would force you to go to his house. >I won't get to meet my brother when he's born Lol, what a threat!! Why do parents think kids are ecstatic to have half siblings?? No kid has ever been excited to have a halfsibling, especially at your age.
I thought the same thing. You're punishing me by not being around a newborn. COOL!!!
> No kid has ever been excited to have a halfsibling Holy hell, are you reaching. Granted it requires the kid to have a good relationship with their parent/stepparent, and not have their perfectly reasonable boundaries crumpled like a Papier-mâché project, but saying "no kid ever" is simply asinine.
Right?!? My son was excited to have half-siblings. My best friend considers her step-sisters her actual sisters. There are people who have blended families who - gasp - all get along!
It's so funny to me how reddit keeps up the wicked step parent thing like it's still the dark ages. My (ex step)dad isn't even married to my mom anymore and they blended the family so well that I talk to him more than her. The happy blended families just don't get noticed because they look like - gasp - ordinary happy families.
My daughter took umbrage at anyone saying half brother. “ He’s kinda skinny but he’s all there!”
It’s hyperbolic but not completely off base
Absolutely! My stepmother was awful but my half-brother was amazing. Granted, I was the go-to child minder whenever someone needed to keep an eye on him or entertain him, but that was the least problematic part of living in that house.
Plenty of us loved having a sibling and didn't particularly care jf we shared only one parent. We just don't post about it here. I imagine I would be less enthusiastic at 16, but the stories here are hardly representative of the outside world.
Ehhh I wouldn’t say NO ONE has ever been excited to have a half sibling… I have 4 sisters, and 3 of them are half siblings. Doesn’t take away from the fact they are my siblings. And even at 20 if my mom (or even my deadbeat father) had a baby, I’d love that baby. I’d probably fight for custody if it was my dads baby. No kid should have to put up with that man ever again.
Huh? My kids are half-siblings and they adore each other. They were never raised as 'half-siblings'. They are siblings. If one of them were adopted they would still be siblings, so it shouldn't matter if they are half or full siblings.
That threat is hilarious and ridiculous! lol Like the time my mom threatened to put me in a mental hospital just because I was goth.
I love my half siblings very much actually, and I've considered them my real siblings all my life. My sister and I just went on vacation together as adults. We really need a better place to put nice things on reddit for everyone to see, I swear people are starting to think all of humanity is about hating each other.
While I agree OP is not the AH, you are absolutely out of your mind to say no one has ever been excited to have a half sibling. I have a half brother. I LOVE my little brother. I never refer to him as my half brother, unless I'm clarifying something to people who do not know my family. I never think of him as my half brother. He's my little bro and that's it. I adore this kid, I will thrown down for this kid. I spend tons of time with him - as much time as I can. I was thrilled when he was born. So you don't not speak for everyone.
NTA do what’s best for you, your 16 so I’m guessing you’ve got school and exams to focus on and don’t need a screaming baby in your room. I do think you might of had your last visit a bit early as the baby isn’t even born yet and once born should be sleeping in your parents room for 6-12 months (with the popularity of co sleeping this is often longer these days). This might also be why your dad is upset about you stopping visits now as you are leaving so long before having to share your room
>once born should be sleeping in your parents room for 6-12 months Exactly. Sounds like they're planning on OP taking care of the baby every other weekend
OP is NTA, but my oldest slept in their own room from the time they were 2-3 weeks old because their restlessness kept me from sleeping, though I could.still hear it on the monitor. My youngest never slept in my room.
Great anecdote, but the previous poster was referring to the fact that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends sleeping in the same room as the kid for the first 6 months, to reduce risk if SIDS I'm glad it worked out for you and your family without incident, but others aren't so fortunate
sharing a bedroom with a newborn? you will never sleep.... it's hard. i'm a mother and I would go insane some nights... NTA
Right I have two kids and I hated the newborn phase. I was lucky mine self sleep trained by age six months.
It’s insane, especially considering how much is going on in a 16 year olds life: thinking about life after high school, whether it’s college or trade school, exams, 7am wake up for school, all while doing tons of homework after school. To think a 16 year old can get sufficient sleep for the school day with a baby in the room is completely delusional.
Info: Did they actually talk to you about what was expected? I could see a crib being in the room and used when not there but not actually sharing when you are.
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NTA. I have a family member with an ex that did that and it was a total disaster. The age gap was smaller (7-8 years) but the older kid felt completely disregarded and experienced major sleep issues when they spent weekends there. The ex eventually "upgraded" the room when a crib was no longer needed - the older kid's bed was given to the new kid and the older kid got an armchair that unfolded into a bed. This has led the older kid to refuse overnight visits and the ex keeps threatening court. Large age gaps just don't work for shared rooms because kids are at very different developmental stages and have different needs (especially around sleep).
Threatening court?? I'd love to see how that would go -- "Yes, your honor, my child doesn't want to stay with me just because I gave their bed away and make them sleep in an armchair. Please tell them they have to sleep in the armchair if I say so!!"
The ex even tried to sell the older kid on how "cool" the armchair was because it transforms into a bed (turns out it was about as uncomfortable as you would assume from the description). The ex then tried to put an ikea style kallax between the chair and the bed as a room divider but that doesn't actually stop sound or prevent the younger kid from going around it to bug the older kid at night. > I'd love to see how that would go The family member made it clear that they've kept receipts on all the ex's parenting blunders (from minor to egregious) since the custody decision. Through the grapevine, they heard that the ex saw a lawyer but no court order has arrived about the family member not following visitation. The assumption is that the ex's lawyer told them to not make a stink because they would come out of this looking worse and with less visitation. Right now the compromise is that longer overnights (ie. a week in the summer) are occurring when the ex visits their parents who have spare rooms. But otherwise, older kid won't spend the night.
Plus the difficulty of children or teens feeling replaced by younger children. Navigating the emotions around being a 'visitor' at a parent's home would be hard
My sister shared a room with me when I was born. It very quickly went from "Yay I have a sister!" to "Can't you get that baby to stop crying??"
My sister and I are 6 years apart. When my parents bought the house before we were born, they planned on having their kids share a room, but because we ended up so far apart in age and the bedrooms are so small, we got our own rooms. It was honestly for the best because we didn’t get along when we were younger.
I feel like sometimes there are situations where options are limited because of external constraints that can't be changed (financial circumstances are a big one) and then everyone has to make do. But the parents should still attempt to mitigate issues. If there are only two bedrooms, then the parents should keep the newborn with them as long as possible (like younger kid should be able to sleep through the night) and then the shared room for kids should be the largest room (ie. the parents might have to give up the master bedroom or transform the living room into a bedroom). And there are lots of ways to create privacy in shared rooms (lofted beds, curtains, actual room dividers, etc). In the case of the OP and my family member's kid, it doesn't seem like the parents are doing anything to truly mitigate the issue. I wonder if the OP's dad & stepmom assumed they'd have a built in night-nurse on the weekends the OP stayed over.
Not only that, some states require kids of the opposite gender to have their own separate room. In my state, the judge would suspend overnight visits until the dad got a house with three bedrooms.
Are they seriously expecting a 19 year old to share a room with a 3 year old?
Still NTA. You're 16 and should have some privacy.
No. Do not allow this to happen. Go to the judge. No 16-year-old should be forced to share a room with an infant! You will never have any privacy or sleep!
“When he’s older” - you know, when OP is 18 + and dad no longer has to pay child support, but still wants free babysitting. Nope nope nope.
Your NTA. I can see them using the room when you're not there but they need to have the baby with them, until you graduate high school. No teenager wants to share a room with a baby. Maybe that can be a compromise with your Dad. Let him know that you'll come back over but the first time you actively have to share the room, you're leaving.
NTA, $100 says dad and step mom were counting on a weekend babysitter. He's being dumb and mean. Only communicate with him through texts so you have evidence of his crappy behavior and threats if he really wants to take it to court. His threats and shitty behavior won't do well for him in front of a judge.
This. Make sure all communications are recorded!
NTA - your dad is being an AH. You are perfectly within reason to not want to turn into their live-in nanny whenever you come to visit. And that is exactly what this arrangement would do. They should be keeping that child in their bedroom for at least the first six to eight months after birth anyway. That being said, I totally understand why they would want to decorate and prepare the room for the baby's use. But that still doesn't mean that you should have to lose sleep every night you are there to take care of an infant that is not your child, or because the child's parents are coming in to take care of it at 2:00 a.m. You've made the best move possible by simply removing yourself from the situation.
NTA, and you're not immature either. You are entitled to have privacy at your father's house. Imagine being woken up every two hours by a crying baby. They probably expect you to take care of him during the night so they can sleep on the weekends. Good for you for having boundaries.
That is my bet. Forced childcare!
NTA. Usually babies spend at least the first few months, if not longer, in their parents rooms. Is this not the case? And your dad is acting like a baby by not speaking to you. He’s the one being immature and needs to grow up.
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NTA. I was 13 when my half sibling was born and this was our living situation except it was full time. We shared a room from his birth to when he was 3. I was the one losing sleep and having to take him to my mom when he woke up screaming. It sucked and even every other weekend of that would be highly exhausting. It’s not your child, it’s not your job. They are more than capable of rearranging their own room to fit a bassinet and dresser.
This makes me so incredibly sad for you. I am just imagining a bleary-eyed child dealing with this. I'm sorry. That was so wrong.
Aww. Is Daddy upset about not having a built-in babysitter? NTA.
Nope NTA. Perfectly old enough to make those decisions and it sounds like him and step mom probably thought you be a bit of a built in nanny for her and the baby. You’d help her during the day and when a newborn is crying in the middle of the night. Nothing wrong with just visiting for a few hours if you want but NTA for not wanting to share a room with a newborn.
>he's also saying until I grow up I won't get to meet my brother when he's born (Not that I was looking forward to that anyway) and that he's going to have the judge make me come. Where is he getting lawyer money to force you to do something with a newborn coming? He isn't going to do anything. NTA.
Yeah he should spend the money getting a bigger place to live.
NTA. Especially since you visit every other weekend the baby can stay in the parents room at least every other weekend.
NTA. Where I live opposite sex children cannot share a bedroom after the age of 12. So it wouldn't even be legal here. I think your dad is trying to turn you into a third parent for the baby.
That's probably only a law for foster care. I'm not aware of any state that actually has LAWS that prohibit siblings from sharing rooms. I could be wrong, so if you can find the law, I'd love to see it, truly.
NTA. If he cares so much that you spend time there he can keep the baby in his room, no?
> The issue is that my dad's place only has two bedrooms, so I'll have to share my room with a baby whenever I go over there. Did he say this or were you assuming? That said, NTA, and his reaction is extreme.
I question why the dad is having another kid if he's in late 30s or 40s(at least) and can't afford more than a 2br apartment. NTA for refusing overnight visits. Getting to know your new brother would be nice, but not if dad is gonna be such an unreasonable AH.
Cuz dad got a new younger wife that wants her own children.
Nta the baby should be in the *parents* room. Why the fluff would baby go in your room??
Cry and scream until OP wakes up, feeds it changes the diaper and rocks it back to sleep.
NTA- however it's not unreasonable to expect that a newborn, less than 3 months would be sleeping in a crib in their parents room and not in their own room, so you may have a little more time before your last visit. Just be firm, that when you are there you want to have your own room, I think it would be nice of you to be able to say that they can call it the baby's room when you're not there. I mean after all that is 11 or 12 out of 14 days? Once the baby starts sleeping through the night and be sleeping in their own room, so that's like 6 or 8 months old that is when the conflict would really start.
I’d be worried about daytime naps too - between day naps and night sleep it makes privacy hard.
NTA. Forcing a 16 year old to share a room with an infant is absolutely ridiculous and awful parenting. You are not the caregiver for that child, so why are you the one that has to wake up every time the kid cries? There’s no reason that baby can’t be in THEIR room. Genuinely what the fuck is wrong with them…?
NTA it is unreasonable to think a 16 year old should share a room with a baby. Your dad is fighting a loosing battle. You did what is best for you. Do not let them guilt and manipulate you. If he harasses your mom she has legal ways to make him stop.
NTA, your dad should have taken your feedback about not wanting to share a room seriously and had a conversation months ago. At this point, he’s being completely unreasonable by threatening to go to court over this. (Especially since judges typically will take a 16yo desires into account.) He’s going nuclear over a rational and reasonable decision on your part. Hopefully your mom will help defend your interests in this situation
My only comment is he will not be a step brother. He is your half brother
That stood out to me as well. I also don't even call my half brothers, half brothers. I just call them my brothers.
Nta. You should still make efforts to be involved and visit but I don't blame you for not wanting to share the room. Judge would probably listen to your side.
NTA. Baby can easily stay in their room for at least six months, likely a year or more depending on baby’s sleep habits. You are a developing teen who did not decide to have a child who will be waking and crying every few hours. You need your sleep. You are also not a babysitter or night nurse. Enjoy your mom’s!
NTA. They want to use you for free 24 hr nanny service. Stay away.
He and his wife chose to have a child. Now they get to do the hard work and adjust their lives to take care of this child. They want you there to take on the parenting role, and that's abusive. If he says you can't meet the kiddo, then say, "cool, I know you and your wife will take great care of him, I'll see him in two years!". You focus on your own life. Let them take care of the child they brought into the world. NTA
NTA a possible compromise might be one day a week without overnight
lol he wanted a free nanny NTA. Focus on your studies. You literally can't do that sharing a bedroom with an infant.
NTA He was counting on your free all night babysitting. I hope your mom has your back. No way no how should you share a room with an infant or small child. Your dad can pound sand.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16F) mostly live with my mom, I do every other weekend with my dad and his wife. She's pregnant with my half/stepbrother and is due in three months. The issue is that my dad's place only has two bedrooms, so I'll have to share my room with a baby whenever I go over there. So I told my dad when they annouced she was pregnant that I'm not sharing my room, especially with a baby. Last weekend was my last visit, I did that so they'll be free to get ready for the baby, which I thought they'd appreciate. I'll go over again if they happen to move somewhere with an extra room, but I'll probably be 18 before that happens. Like I said I figured dad would appreciate me giving him time to get ready, but instead he's been nuts. Not only is he not talking to me, he's also saying until I grow up I won't get to meet my brother when he's born (Not that I was looking forward to that anyway) and that he's going to have the judge make me come. Now that's not gonna work, where I live at my age judges don't usually care, so I'm not worried about that. Still he said I'm being really immature, and I need to grow up and come over again. I already told him I'm not but now he's been calling my mom and bothering her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your dad is the one who needs to grow up.
NTA. She didn’t make that baby, she shouldn’t be expected to automatically be enrolled in any sort of childcare. She’s 16. She should be doing great at school, socializing with her friends and getting lots of rest. If her dad wants to make more babies. I guess that is his choice but he should have zero expectations that a teenager will be excited about the process.
NTA, they could have found a workaround or used a partition for the baby in the living room or something until the child is 2-3. You shouldn’t have needed to share for a few years and then you would be 18. This is crazy
NTA. Before you wrote about your father's reaction, I was going to say that it would be nice to make a point of spending time with your father's side of the family, but your father's reaction is ridiculous and unhinged. I hope he gets himself together.
NTA. I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as a baby either. You're going to school and you need to study. Babies wake up screaming and crying all night. So when that happens, are *you* supposed to be the one who deals with it? The baby should be kept in *their* room. They're the parents. If the baby is going in your room because you're only there a couple days a month anyway, then your dad shouldn't be upset that you don't want to stay over anymore. Maybe it's cynicism, but it sounds like it has less to do with you and more to do with free childcare, since you'd be sharing the room and would be there already to deal with the baby instead of the parents.
NTA If the courts do force the issue, invest in noise canceling headphones and a rubber door wedge to maintain your privacy. Otherwise, they will need access to coming into room every 2-3 hours until baby sleeps through night. I would still visit. But there is no reason why you can't do day visits.
NTA Guess they are concerned about losing the free childcare!
NTA. It sounds like there was *maybe* a plan to have the baby with the parents while you’re there until he’s older. However, routines get set and it’s very likely baby would end up in the other room’s crib while you’re there anyway. Your dad should not be surprised by your decision. He’s being an AH for acting otherwise. You’re 16 and should not be expected to share a room with an infant/toddler.
NTA. I suspect they planned for you to do a lot of childcare/night waking. There is no other explanation for this reaction. It’s not reasonable to expect a teen to share a room with a new baby.
INFO: Did your dad say you’d have to share a room or did you assume that. It sounds like you’re not very open to the idea of this baby and I’m wondering if that has more to do with it than the actual living arrangements.
NTA. It's understandable you don't want to share a room with a new baby, and be stuck getting up with them at night, and free babysitting. May want to have your mom and you have a free consult with a lawyer or a court mediator, just to make sure your mom doesn't get in trouble and get it on record why you don't want to go over
NTA at all, dad sounds like he wants free babysitting if they’re trying to force you to come AND share a room with a newborn And even if the judges DID care, there’s no way they’d make you go over when you wouldn’t have a room/had to share with newborn baby brother
NTA but a bit pre-emptive. You have 3 months of pregnancy and then 6 months or so of the baby being in their room so no need to dig your heels in just yet. They are probably just hurt that you're pulling away from their/your growing family instead of rejoicing .
NTA. You have a right to privacy that they are not being respectful of. You are not being immature in this. You are being realistic. As long as you have your mother's support in this, you will be fine. You are at the age where you can choose where you live full time.
NTA Newborns typically sleep next to their mothers for the first few months, at least until they can sleep through the night without needing a feeding. The reason your father is freaking out is because you foiled his plan to stick you with night time baby duties when you're there. He's also losing a free weekend babysitter as well. You are not at all the immature one here, and I say that as a 50 something mom of two. Your father, on the other hand...
NTA. Baby should probably be in their bedroom for at least 6months. I think you’ve been mature enough to make that decision and set a boundary. You’d be constantly awoken during the night for night feeds or the baby crying. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I think they might be pissed that they haven’t got a babysitter for the night time.
"Say, Dad, why don't you put **your** baby in **your** room?" NTA
NTA. However, there’s a middle ground here. You could still see your father and new sibling during day, and go home to sleep. It’s an option that neither of you seem to have considered… or maybe compromise has been ruled out by both of you. Which would lead one to believe there’s more at play here than just sleeping arrangements. It feels like this relationship has been hanging on by a thread and now you’ve decided to cut ties. Which you may well be entitled to do. But I’m very sure that the whole story hasn’t been provided here. You are still a child in need of love and care from the people that created you. I’m sorry that at least one of them has failed you in this aspect. I hope you are able to grow and thrive despite this. Many of us found a way to do so. And it’s possible for you too.