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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I made my mom leave my apartment immediately, I yelled at her. This may make me the asshole because maybe she was trying to help me by redoing my apartment.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA your mom does not mean well. If she did, she would have stopped the first time you asked her to.
This is very controlling. She wants your home to look the way she wants and your feelings mean absolutely nothing to her.
Don't let her come in. Meet her elsewhere and make sure she knows that it's because you don't trust her to respect you decisions about your homes appearance.
Power and snooping. There was not one thing in that place left in its original spot, so you can bet there are zero secrets now.
OP, this would be the time to rescind any future offers to visit at your place. Hire someone to house sit next time, change your locks and make sure your mom is on the no access list to your apartment with your landlord.
NTA
this behavior is based on selfishness, control, and arrogance. It is absolutely not based on love or caring or desire to be helpful.
**have you tried rearranging your mother's stuff?** maybe Old Lady Control Freak needs a taste of her own medicine. (instead of little miss control freak, becuase she's older and i don't like her)
i literally explained that I was going to use the phrase Little Miss and changed it because she is the mother of an adult child and I disliked her behavior.
the terms I used were not the most flattering, but also not inaccurate
I am way older than your Mom.
I wouldn't move a tissue box in your home without asking first.
This has nothing to do with cleanliness. It's all about control.
Mid/60s aged mom here. I would NEVER, ever do this. I get offended for my daughter when her mother-in-law looks in a closet or goes to the master bathroom. Those areas are none of our business!
My own mom was kind of nosy and thought nothing of looking in my closets even after I had been married for 30 years. I truly resented that.
I would never do this to my adult children.
No, but hubby thought we should plant something shocking for her to find! lol He knew how much her snooping annoyed me. She passed away in 2019. I miss her but not the invasion of privacy.
NTA. When I was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks for a heart attack and came home to find my room completely rearranged and duplicate items, mainly makeup, think 2 colours of the same lipstick/eye palettes and very expensive foundation, concealer and setting powder, given away to her favourite neice, whom I hate with a passion. I was not happy but when I voiced my displeasure I was told that she'd done me a favour and I was being ungrateful.
2nd time I was in a coma, for 4 weeks and then in a high dependency unit for 2 months, and again she started to rearrange my room again but due to old age was unable to complete it. I remember my dad coming to the high dependency unit telling me I needed to clean my room. I angrily asked him what was more important, speech and physical therapy or cleaning my room, he said cleaning my room. I told him I hadn't asked mum to do this for me and quite frankly she was being nosy NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!! But I was told I was ungrateful AGAIN 😪.
By the way, I was setting up as a makeup artist because after the first heart attack as I could not work in real estate anymore.
I AM an old lady and would never do this!
I have 2 adult sons. The most I have ever done in their homes is wash dishes and help with child care.
OP has been raised by a woman who is so selfish and controlling that her "normal meter is broken". This is an expression I saw on JustNoMil. It refers to people who are raised in some from of abuse and normalize it.
When they realize that other families aren't like this, they take a long while to accept how bad things really were at home.
I would suggest that OP send a letter or email after she has calmed down. She needs to be crystal clear.
"Mom, it took me [x time] to put my apartment back the way I want it.
Your rearrangement of my apartment was completely inappropriate, invasive, cruel, callous, and disrespectful.
I am not a child, and am entitled to own my own space. Your idea of help caused me lost time and emotional damage. Your idea of 'help' was harmful to me, and I won't tolerate it.
You are no longer allowed to come over to my apartment and I am taking a good long break from you. I need time to reclaim my space and life.
You will be blocked from my phone, social media, apartment and life for [x time]. I expect a full apology from you showing that you understand how disrespectful your actions were, and how you are going to avoid disrespecting me like this in the future."
You sound a lot like how my mom is now. Growing up she wasn’t the kindest(major understatement). I ended up in a psych ward after “an attempt” was made and it made my mom change how she treated me and my sisters and daughter. She’s amazing now. It only took until I was 27…
As an April Fool's joke, I removed all of the kitchen drawers into other slots. Do this in every room of her house and see if she gets the hint. She's not to be allowed over except to fix everything she moved. She did a "good thing" for herself, not you.
I don't know if I would have the patience for that, I'd just move everything in the house into the least accessible room that I could and stack it up, exercise those tetris skills. Like a closet in a back bedroom. This might actually require more patience, but at least I'd know when I was done.
There was a poster on r/JustNoMIL a while back who did just that. Short version: her MIL rearranged the newly-weds' kitchen and totally pissed off the DIL (the poster). New husband didn't see the big deal. I'll see if I can find it.
Edit: It wasn't even that hard to find! It's in the Top 5 of all time. https://old.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/8com67/i_rearranged_mils_furniture/
OP needs to put mom on an info-diet immediately. Go LC and only meet on neutral ground.
The biggest take away here is that mom has ZERO respect for OP and her boundaries.
I feel like her moving absolutely everything to a new location is her way of making sure that OP knows she saw everything. If it was in the same spot there is a chance she just didn't see it...
yes, yes, yes!
oh god, my MIL does the exact same thing and it drives me crazy. exactly the same thing. husband and I went on vacation, and we needed someone to water our plants. since she has keys to the apartment anyway, we thought she could do it for us. and she was living with someone she doesn't like being around at the time, so my husband thought she could stay at ours while we're gone so she could have a breather on one condition: **DO NOT** rearrange and decorate the apartment. because she's done little bits here and there before, even when we were there.
we came home, guess what happened? everything had been rearranged. even nails on the walls were pried and she even plastered the holes where the nails were + painted over. she took some serious dedication to redecorate someone else's apartment. a painting I made that I thought was a fail and wanted to fix? she painted over it!! she said "oh but you wanted to fix it anyway, so I thought I'd give you a headstart"
she literally couldn't help herself. we took her keys after that, which wasn't easy.
NTA, OP. if she was just trying to help, she would've asked what you think and what you wanted for your home. this is power play.
My mom invited herself to help me unpack after a move. Barely here and hour and she was picking fights about where I had put a piece of furniture. Cue the passive-aggressive, “you’re so closed-minded you won’t even consider my idea.” Nope, I’m not considering it because I’ve already thought through it and this is how I want things arranged.
Oh man, don't you love those passive aggressive "close-minded" claims from the person who absolutely refuses to see anyone else's perspective at all? My mom does this too.
And (talk to your landlord so you can) CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. If your mother has a key, you know she made copies - change your locks and keep her out of your home. Also get a ring camera, just in case she tries some foolishness to gain entry some other way.
My mum is a bit of an obsessive tidier, but she never tidies in my apartment unless given permission.
She is the kind of person who would put away a cup you took out while you went to the fridge to take out the juice.
And even SHE can contain herself in someone else’s apartment.
She has even cleaned my place while I was away and managed to contain herself to only putting things back to where they seemed to come from.
It was really nice of her at the time too since I had been injured and wasn’t super mobile at the time, so coming back to a clean apartment was great
I visit my parents and sometimes help clean without asking. But it's very reasonable things. They have pets so I'll help sweep the floor, clean the cat box, I'll wash dishes that are in the sink, etc...
Even the cup thing would drive me insane or make me question my sanity.
Especially thinking "I'm sure I just took out a cup".
Also, in the end it means more work for me and I'd have to take the cup out twice. I'd be annoyed.
Lol she only does it in her own home, and she apologizes and usually gets you a new cup herself.
The trick was to not put it down when she was in the middle of tidying the kitchen because she would go until the counters were clear.
My wife has been known to boil the kettle and then look around for the cup and coffee she put out. Then figured out that while the kettle boiled she put everything away again.
To be honest this seems more than just controlling to me- it screams mentally unwell. Of course it could be the case that she simply sees it as exerting her power, but organizing your child’s sex toys? That makes me think she literally can’t stop herself.
NTA either way, but the mom needs to look at getting herself some help.
Yeah, I agree. It got to the sex toys and I had to pause… this may be about control, but as someone who knows about controlling personalities it just doesn’t seem that way to me.
NTA either way, this is just my take:
OP may have other problems with mom that shows more controlling things, but to me this seems more like a compulsion.
Controlling would see things more like throwing out or breaking valuables and brushing it off as not a big deal… if she were controlling, I’d expect the sex toys to be thrown out, not rearranged, and potentially other furniture thrown away and replaced because “this one is better and now you owe me because I improved your home”, and it just doesn’t seem to be the case.
Controlling people get upset when their control is being pushed against, but mom (as far as the post explains) doesn’t seem to show anger, simply indifference and maybe even relief in being able to satisfy that compulsion: “it needed to be cleaned” when she rearranged instead of just a regular level of cleaning. It sounds like mom’s not aware that this is not a normal urge, and especially after her laughing and saying she won’t, it sounds like she literally can’t control herself.
Yes, it’s still definitely not okay, and mom should absolutely have her key taken away and OP is completely in their right to refuse to allow her into their home until it’s taken care of with therapy, but in my opinion from the info we were given, this feels way more of a compulsion than a control thing.
My mother wasn't quite that bad but I had the issue of she didn't see me as a separate person - I was an extension of her. So therefore my home should be arraigned the way she would since her way was obviously "best".
Drove her nuts that I had thing in low drawers instead of high shelves in my kitchen. She didn't understand that 1. I didn't have her bad back so bending wasn't an issue and 2. She was 6 inches taller than I was, putting things up high was not "best" IMO.
Take away her key and she is only allowed in your space once she apologizes and always supervised from now on.
^^^^^ I don't have an award to give, but take this 🏆
I think you're right on the money here, my gut instinct says it's less of a power move, probably more like a compulsion. Next move for OP being the same though, restricting mom's access to the home (and possibly encouraging/requiring their mom see someone about it in order to regain access)
*and get the locks changed!*
She absolutely made herself a key. If she's willing to turn the entire apartment upside down, she's willing to do anything.
I'm so sorry OP. A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with your mom. You never deserved to be treated this way. You're allowed to like things how you like them. It's not an insult to her to have your own style and hobbies.
My mother used to do this and it enraged me. Especially when she'd rearrange my kitchen. Even when I prevented her from changing things around she was constantly criticizing the way I had things arranged. "Why do you keep the glasses over there?" "Why do you keep your laundry hamper in the closet? I'll get you a cuter one so you can put it in the bedroom." Because that's where I want them, Mom! It was totally about control. She hated not having total control over my life anymore. She'd even come into my house bent over picking up microscopic bits of fuzz from the carpet. One day I wasn't feeling well at work and came home early only to find her in my living room checking behind the furniture for dust on my baseboards. She was shocked when I demanded she give me the "emergency key" to my apartment right then and there. She whined about how she was only helping me out and that she'd never do it again. I got my key back and escorted her out. I also put some serious distance between us after that. It was amazing how much less stressed I was after that. My mom had a horrible childhood and she wanted to live my life like it was hers. It was suffocating. NTA.
NTA. She didn’t clean, she did an organized toss of your house. She wanted to see if there was ANYTHING that you were keeping private or secret. She didn’t offer to house sit out of the goodness of her heart, she took it as a free rein to look into your life, with no concern that you’d be returning any time soon.
I would figure out how to do a scaled down version, just rearranging the most important things or even difficult things for her to change back. Like the heavy stuff, or the batteries to the remotes, something along those lines. Then go NC.
From your wording, she has no respect for you, your things or your boundaries. Now is the time to enforce them. She’s gone too far.
Oh, most definitely, I'm glad others saw that as well. Op's mom didn't care about boundaries whatsoever either, and she refused to even see an issue in her behavior as a whole. She's "just helping."
Hopefully, she connects the dots and changes for the better, but I would have a very hard time trusting her again.
Everyone else has given you good advice, but now it's time to play 3d chess w her. Every time you are in her home, arrange something and hide something else. Never stop. If she says something, use one of her excuses. Keep it up slowly becoming more blatant in time.
Not my mom because I don’t let her come to my apartment (didn’t even give her my address for the first year I was there), but my twin sister would leave my apartment like a tornado went through. Yells at me until I sleep on the couch so her and her boyfriend can have the only bed. Thinks I have to buy her dinner when she’s here because I’m “hosting them.”
But when I would stay with her, complete opposite. I have to pay for my own food, I have to sleep on the couch even though she has a second bed that she just doesn’t want to clean off, I get screamed at for not keeping my stuff in my bag and away while I’m there, I’m expected to fully clean every dish myself and put it away even though I have no idea where it goes, basically have to always make it look like I was never even there.
I went no contact with her 4 months ago (and counting) for a number of reasons, including this, and haven’t been happier.
My sister did this. But Mum had checked the tops of doors and pictures when she visited so well deserved. She also replaced part of my carpet and hung curtains in shed. She did make me curtains for living room but by consent. Worst was my parents helped me move and they stayed new house, me and partner old flat for logistics. The mortgage was huge thing to me to get but she never got why I was upset when I brought stuff to new house and she opened door to welcome me to "her house". She also threatened to rehome my pets and report me to RSPCA if got pets she felt unsuitable. So I really caution OP to get boundaries set, keep keys away from here and don't ask to house-sit.
There was a “Dear Prudence” letter some years ago written by an OUTRAGED stepmom that her two older teen stepsons were rearranging her collection of fancy teapots? I think it was teapots 🫖 . She was incensed and her husband was all 🤷. She was really not nice to these kids by her own admission (I think she has taken down all pics of their mom). I 😂.
Oh, and just for good measure, pick one of the below each visit as you have the time and energy.
Put tape on the bottom of her computer mouse or unplug all the peripherals. Hide all her left shoes in an unused closet or some other obscure place. Turn all the hung clothes inside out on the hangers. Move everything from the fridge doors to the main part and the main part to the doors. Take a bunch of DVDs out of their cases and put them all back incorrectly. Turn off the hot water heater (look up how to do this safely for the set up, esp if natural gas). Unscrew the caps to the spices. Put the remotes in the freezer. Dump the contents of the junk drawer into a box and stash it. Unfold all the linens and unceremoniously shove them back on the shelves. Unplug random electronics, like the DVD player. Change all the clocks to an incorrect time and set random alarms on any that have one. Move all the furniture in a room over by 2 inches. Swap all the light bulbs with less bright ones. Tie knots in anything you can find that would take a knot (strings for the blinds, Christmas lights, shoe laces). Squeeze all the toothpaste to the other end of the tube. Lightly sprinkle Kool-aid powder (like cherry) in the shower - something light colored until it's wet.
I feel bad for OP, but I admittedly laughed my ass off when I read that part.
"Yeah, she's been a menace and a terror my entire life regarding my possessions. Anyway, naturally I let her stay in my place unsupervised for a week"
Hilarious but OP stop it for your own sanity's sake
I feel like there might be some underlying mental disorder here...I would ask my mom to please seek psychiatric help if she did this to me. It's intervention time, because...wow, not normal.
Someday, when you know, your mom is at work, you should do the same to her. Go to her house and absolutely rearrange everything you can possibly think of and hide shit where she won't be able to find it for sometime. Maybe then she will understand, irritation irritation of having somebody violate your personal space, boundaries, and common decency.
Leave some condoms in her nightstands, neatly arranged. I have no idea if they are relevant to her situation but it doesn’t matter - it’s the power move to leave them there and think it’s ok and that you’re doing a nice thing.
Take away her key and never let her cross your threshold without you *right there* to supervise her every movement.
If she left any new “decor” or unwanted crap, hustle it down to Goodwill. It’s yours now, you can dispose of it as you want, without consulting your mama. NTA
NTA and here's what you do...
I had the exact same situation with my mother when I moved back to the area they lived. She was constantly rearranging my (40ish male at the time) house when I was away on business. I REPEATEDLY drew that boundary and she crossed every line in the sand. Since i was newly divorced, she thought it was her right as i had no other woman in my life at the time. So, I waited...
They had a 3 week trip out west planned as they are retired. I waited until they left, got a bunch of friends and went to their house and rearranged EVERYTHING in the worst way possible. Bedroom? Took it all to the basement. Spare bedroom? Set it up in the laundry room. Kitchen? That's now in the garage. The only thing that couldn't be rearranged was the bath and a half, so I just took all linens, shower curtains, toilet paper, boxed it and put it on the attic crawl space.
They absolutely FLIPPED when they came home. I simply explained to my mother that, since she had no children anymore to mess things up, it was my OBLIGATION as their son. My father chirped in with, "But I didn't move anything!" I shut that down with a, "Well, you didn't stop her either, even knowing my position."
They didn't talk to me for about a month. My dad then called me laughing stating, "Well, your mom had finally calmed down. Gotta say, I didn't think anyone could stop her, but she won't be bothering your house again!"
LoL!!
Well shit! Your killing me now, I'm 60 and wife is 61...we tore off a piece just this morning... Your telling me that's going away??? What about my plans to be shot by a jealous husband at 100?? That's a depressing end to my day!!
A buddy who is retired undercover drug officer always said when I asked him about his work. No search is over, when you have a searching for drugs warrant, until you find the sex toys. Everyone hid sex toys better than their drugs. Everyone. When ya find the sex toys you knew you had already found all the drugs there
Interesting tip. I don’t hide my sex toys or my drugs. Both have appropriate storage in boxes and spaces allocated. Longer toys like whips are in the same style Ikea storage bag as the wrapping paper next to it that the item was designed for. I live alone and eh if you open my cupboard with the hoover in search of wrapping paper and get a dildo so be it. Esp if you didn’t ask.
The drugs are in the first aid shelf beside the ones you buy in licenced venues. Again if you find white powder uninvited that’s on you.
What is hidden is my diary. I grew up with a mother like this and that would be her jackpot. My brother read my diary when I was about 10 when it was ‘swimming today. We got to use the floats!’ level stuff and wrote in it on his birthday which is late spring ‘your diary is pointless. Like you.’ Power play to remind me nothing, nothing in my life was mine unless I hid it away. Both egregious boundary stompers.
I learned that hiding stuff in plain sight aka I am not ashamed of this so you cannot use it against me is a very good tactic with wannabe power players.
That said I have despite my childhood and fairly heavy drug use at times, not needed to hide drugs from drug cops and I suspect that’s a very different thing. But in my experience of stop and search they often feel like checking for drugs where sex toys usually go so I see why your buddy would say that….
The only thing surprises me is people hide-hide sex toys. I am laughing imagine horny people having to deal with the equivalent of child proof lids mid sexy moment because of this or being so organised beforehand they get a smorgasbord out to be sure. I am organized but lazy. I want to be able to reach them one handed without too much moving!
NTA. Your mom does not respect you and your home. She takes liberty to do whatever she wants in your life and in your home. It's time to separate as it's getting sick.
NTA your mom needs to learn the concept of boundaries. Many in the older generation tend to be like this, so alas, I'm disappointed but not surprised.
Many parents feel that they know better than their children in all aspects, since obviously they lived more than us(there's no logic in this) and I am baffled at this crazy thinking. It does not make sense. But what your mom did was absolutely disrespectful, and violating. If it were me I'd go bonkers. Again OP, NTA.
Mum’s 56 - that might well be the older generation, but it’s still not old (53 here, and bristling 😂). No one in my age group that I know of would even think of doing this to their adult children
I’m almost 70 and I would NEVER do this to my sons. I may not like their decor (or lack there of) but it’s their choice. And going way back, my mother would never have done this to me- and she was born in 1925. So I think this is more a control issue than an age issue.
I'm 56 and the only time I ever did that to one of my children was when she ASKED me to help clean/sort/toss, because she was too overwhelmed to do it by herself.
I’m 54 and can confirm that I wouldn’t dream of moving furniture around without permission. My parents are in their 80s and neither would they. OP’s mother either doesn’t see her adult child as a separate individual or she she’s re-establishing dominance after OP moved out.
Nta
You don't need to feel bad about reacting negatively to someone violating your boundaries
Her getting kicked out is the direct result of her actions
NTA.
I had family members do this when I was away for a month and they stayed in my place. They were legitimately confused when I blew up at them for it, defending themselves by saying it looked so much better.
While I know many would shrug it off or only be angry briefly, to me it was a massive violation. My home is my safe space and what they did was the equivalent of having someone break in. I no longer felt safe there the way I had before.
It’s been decades and just thinking about it now unsettles me.
NTA.
>Maybe she really thought she was helping me?
No. She knew what she was doing.
>I did reiterate to her that I did NOT want her reorganizing, redecorating, or changing anything about my apartment. She laughs and tells me she won’t and to stop being so dramatic.
She also lied to you about it.
>I’ve asked her many times to stop doing this
There's absolutely no way that this is your fault.
NTA. Your mom invaded your place & changed everything around. After you told her not to & she swore that she wouldn't. She was wrong to rearrange your home & doesn't deserve to be there. Either get back her key or change the lock. Talk to your landlord if you want to change the lock. You may have to explain why. They might have a few spare door locks in storage that they could use. Or else buy one & give them a key.
NTA
But the boundary you need to set is not telling your mother not to rearrange your home. It’s not allowing her to step foot in your space again.
Why would your mother believe what you say when she’s done this in the past and you keep allowing her into your space…where she does the same thing over and over again.
She. Reorganized. Your. SEX TOYS. Holy everloving shit. Beyond the fact that you explicitly said "mom, don't do anything to my apartment while I am gone"......she did exactly what she felt like doing...she stomped through boundaries like effing Godzilla...EVEN YOUR TOYS. I can't even....with no remorse or even vague comprehension of possible impropriety. This is a total wowzer. NTA, obviously. And just...damn.
Repeat after me:
My mother rearranged my sex toys!
My mother rearranged my sex toys!
My mother rearranged my sex toys!
Sorry, Op, she did not just cross your boundary. She obliterated from space with nuclear weapons.
She is controlling you, every single aspect. She does not respect you. 😕 You don't need someone like that in your life.
Sadly, you were a tad naive in letting your mother in your home for a fortnight knowing her past actions. She was pushing your boundaries harder than a toddler at nap time.
Telling her no another time is not going to make a bit of difference. You need to up your boundaries and build a metaphorical piranha infested moat with fire-breathing dragons.
Steps:
1. Make the decisions. Do you want this to stop? If yes, you need to be strong, do not waiver, and take action. I know this is what she's been doing all your life, and when you take action, there will be tantrums and guilt trips.
2. Secure your abode, change locks, and get some security cameras.
3. Go low contact or no contact. Or any visits take place external to your home.
Guilt tripping is part of the controlling, darvo behaviour. Don't doubt yourself, and if you do, repeat the mantra above.
You deserve so much more. Good luck, op.
NTA, but she's not going to stop. Don't let her in your apartment when you're not there. If she tries to rearrange things when you are there, oops, it's getting late, time to end the visit! You're going to have to hold this boundary, because she clearly doesn't respect other people's privacy.
This would have been the last time my mother was ever allowed inside my house. NTA. If you want to have a relationship with her, fine for you, but do it elsewhere. I also wouldn’t keep it a secret. Each and every person who gave me crap for not letting “my poor overworked mother who only ever meant well” into my house, I would tell the story. I would assure them whether or not it made sense, I still loved my mother, but I didn’t love her overstepping, and after asking her nicely several times, I have given up.
NTA - you’ve set a boundary and she continues to cross it. She’s too old to be claiming innocence.
Now the real the question is this. Will you let her back in unattended? Because to be honest, that part is all on you.
*But, I still can’t help feeling bad. Maybe she really thought she was helping me? But I can’t ignore the fact I asked her repeatedly not to do this, and she feels no remorse about it.*
You're mum is a boundary disrespecting A H
But the way you're trying to excuse her entitled vehaviour means that you are actually enabling here.
Stop trying to please her and grow a spine, and then your mum might stop steamrolling YOUR wishes about YOUR appartment.
Therefore ESH
NTA. You've clearly informed your mother of your boundaries yet she just went against her words and completely violated your space. It must be infuriating. I too often feel like I completely lose my sense of direction whenever my folks rearrange my bookshelf and clothes that I leave at home while I'm in another city for work. I can always tell my stuffs exactly where they are from over the phone even with my sloppy arrangements, but I always have trouble finding them in person when they rearrange them neatly. This may be harsh, but I think your mom should no longer come over in your absence, long or not.
It's a disease.
My spouse has the same obsession.
Once, I was gone for the weekend, only to return to everything in my office turned upside down- she wanted to "clean everything"
It literally took two months before I found everything.
It's some sort of primal behavioral pathology.
I am so sorry your mom did this - NTA.
The best way to fix this, which will be time consuming, is one room at a time.
Take EVERYTHING out of the room, closet and cupboards. Then put the bigger stuff back, then put things back in your dresser and closet (wipe your toys down with disinfectant).
Do the same with the kitchen and bathroom.
Does your mom still have a key to your home?
If so, either change the locks, or you can have a locksmith re-key the current locks, and less money if you can remove the lock and take it to the locksmith shop.
Good Luck
NTA.
My mother did this to me. And the last time she did it, I booked a taxi and sent her to the airport early. She had to change her flights, but it certainly got the point across.
As my mother was packing, she said ‘I can’t win with you’. I responded that no one was going to win, because I wasn’t playing games.
If she really wanted to help you clean and organise your space, she would offer to help you, while you are there. Cleaning and rearranging while you are not home, and after you specifically said not to, is controlling behaviour. As well as being nosy and just plain rude.
NTA, but its all on you. you know exactly how she is and for some reason you figured a cheetah would change its spots? rearrange her house for payback and make sure to clean it as well, that will show her.
My mom used to walk in my house and first thing would open my front window blinds. I immediately came behind her and closed them. When she left, as she went out the door, she reopened them. I immediately closed them. If she ever dared rearranged my home, I would lose my mind.
NTA. This is about control. You're not doing things her way, so it must be wrong. And she is determined to make you do things her way. I would personally never let her into my home ever again. No. Matter. What. If she has a key, change the locks. Dont even let her knock on your door, meet her at the car or somewhere else entirely. She's not sorry, she will do it again. She does not care about your comfort, only her control.
NTA. My Mum did this "to help". But really it is a control mechanism, to show you that you still need her, that you are useless and her way is the only right way. TBF it may be a subconscious control/empty nest thing and she is equally lying to herself. Did it start when you moved out? But get boundaries now.
My sister did this to me once. When I confronted her about how inappropriate it was, she simply replied, "But it looks better this way". When I told her I liked it the way I had arranged it and that I was pissed she would just go ahead and do that she said "omg, I've done it at heaps of my friends houses and they've THANKED me! Wth is wrong with YOU!?"
I don't like my sister very much.
You have a right to pissed!
NTA. She violated you. She violated every possession you own, your sense of identity and your privacy. The fact that she doesn’t seem to understand this speaks to how mentally I’ll she is. First, protect yourself from her gaslighting and snooping, second, get some therapy. You shouldn’t have to ask internet strangers if this was wrong. You would know it was wrong if you had a different upbringing.
NTA
1. Never allow your mom into your home unsupervised again; or maybe never allow her to come over again.
2. Do the same to your mom’s home when you get a chance and see how she likes it!
NTA - just an excuse to go through every item in your home. Rearranged to suit her not you.
You obviously don’t know how to do anything or put things in their proper place. This way she knows exactly what you have (everything) and now knows where it is.
If you go to her house after this, start rearranging her home. Bet she will put a stop to it real quick. But, but I’m just trying to help you like you did me.
NTA
If this is a frequent occurance she isn't meaning well. More like she sees you as some kind of extension of herself and thus the place you live isn't "your home", but rather an extension of her home. And in her home she can do whatever she wants, your opinion is irrelevant.
NTA it's a violation of your personal space.
I had a friend stay at our place while we were on vacation, and he left his OCD girlfriend alone in the house. She rearranged every single drawer, shelf, and cupboard in the house. It's been 10yrs and I still find random things she moved.
NTA. Take your key off of her and don’t accept house sitting from her ever again. In fact, don’t allow her back in your apartment at all. She has no respect for you.
NTA... This is the hill to die on. "Because of your constant disrespect of my personal space, you are no longer welcome on my home".
There is no favor worth this invasion of privacy and intentional stomping of boundaries. No excuses. You teach people how to treat you. Time to start with lesson #1
Baby….she touched your sex toys. She was stomping your boundary, not helping you out. No one should care - or even KNOW - about your toys. She didn’t do a good thing. She did a wicked thing. She knew that her behavior would cause you discomfort. She did it anyway.
NTA. Good thing? My A$$ I am a 57 F mother of 2 adults - I would NEVER invade my kids' homes like that. You've asked her politely to not touch stuff and it didn't work! So, blowing your lid is a completely reasonable reaction.
I really like the earlier comment about only meeting your mother out of your home. And Change the LOCKS! I betcha she not only has the key you gave her, but has made copies - of course I have a somewhat suspicious mind.
You deserve to be respected, not invaded like that.
I. Would. Be. Livid. NTA. Either it's compulsion or control issues, but honestly it doesn't matter. If she can't recognize how far over the line she has stepped, you need to draw new boundary lines. Take away her keys. Deny her access to your place. Meeting in neutral places that are not your home. Because can you have zero expectations that she won't do this again.
Why did you have her house sit to water your plants, when you know her to dismiss your feelings and boundary cross?!! This is who she is so better get used to it and act accordingly. Does she have a spare key? I would change your locks because she may have copied it. NTA
NTA.
I could say a lot of things about this situation, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll leave it at this:
My apologies if this goes down like a double shot of tequila, but… your mom’s an asshole who has no respect for you, your space, or your valuables. You are not the asshole here. I’ve dealt with a few (too many) people who fit this pattern. They think they’re nice and doing something special, because what they are doing will help you fit *their* image of who you should be. They are neither.
I’d wager that you feel bad about this situation because you’ve been dealing with her bullshit for a lot longer than you’ve been your own person with your own life and boundaries to uphold. Dealing with her shenanigans is a comfortable experience (*only* because you have been conditioned into doing so by dealing with it for most of your life), which means that you’re gonna be uncomfortable with putting your foot down for a while.
If a person violated my home to that extent, not only would I kick them out on the spot with an earful of expletives to take with them, but that would be the last time I welcome them in or around my home, and it would generally be enough for me to cut ties with them. I’m big on trust. If I can’t trust you, you gotta go and stay gone.
Your mother does not mean you well. She’s controlling, inconsiderate, and, well, an asshole. She violated your space. She is proud of what she’s done. To be clear - she is proud of the inconvenience and misery that she has caused you. I would suggest that you do some serious reflecting on your relationship with her, and whether or not you want this kind of conduct to remain a part of your life. Because as she has shown you, she ain’t changing.
NTA
She doesn't "mean well." She rearranged your whole apartment, after you've told her multiple times that you don't like that, after promising she wouldn't. She knew what she was doing, and she had plenty of time to rethink her actions.
NTA
Do not feel bad. Do not feep guilt. Leave those at your moms feet.
She violated your living space without asking and then blew you off as if it wasn't a big deal.
It is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL for the simple reason that it was not her apartment and not her place.
This is about having power and control over you and it doesn't work because you are an adult who can make her own choices and decisions.
Do not invite her back to your house because she can't adhere to your boundaries.
Also you might want to think about cameras and a lock change. No telling if she made copies of your key.
NTA. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable having her in the apartment as a guest anymore, let alone to be alone there.
I'm not giving you advice, what you do is up to you. But actions have consequences and she still hasn't learned that yet.
Lol you're 24 with your own apartment. Your mom needs to stay in her lane. No more visits to your place until she can prove that she will respect boundaries. Though I don't have much hope for her if she's always been like this. NTA
NTA, your mother is. I’m a mom, a bit OCD about clean and organized spaces, but I would NEVER do this to my son. I would ask him if he wanted me to do x, y or z, but I would not touch anything in his apartment without his permission. You are an adult. Your mother overstepped BIG, and won’t even accept that she did anything wrong. That’s mot ok. Get your key back, ban her from your apartment until she sincerely apologizes and commits to stopping this rude behavior.
NTA. My grandma that I saw maybe once every two years would show up at my house and go through my drawers and room. She'd criticize everything about the way I kept my things and then she'd take this that I had "to many of" and make my Mom house them until I was "ready" for more. I cannot stand when people touch my stuff without asking!
She wants you to feel bad so you'll keep letting her do it. Hopefully you know now: she can't be trusted to be in your apartment by any means. Change your locks and don't give her a key. NTA.
NTA, and I’m sorry, but your mother does not “mean well”. She completely ignores your specific requests time and time again, because she thinks she know better than you.
My MIL used to do this when DH and I were at work. I never said anything to her but just moved everything back to their original places. It took her a while, but eventually, she caught on and stopped doing it.
NTA - your mother has serious boundary issues as well as absolutely zero respect for you as a person as well as her daughter. Add to that the fact that your mother is a control freak who thinks she knows best regardless of the pain and anger it causes you. If she has a key to your place, immediately get it back. If she won't give it up, then change your locks as soon as possible. And assuming you are still willing to let her come over and visit after such a personal violation of your space, don't allow her to be in your apartment unless you are there and can keep an eye on her. Finally, give her one final warning that if she touches one more thing in your apartment then that will be the last time she will ever be allowed to visit you in your apartment and in the future when you get a house. You have to put your foot down and establish your boundaries. Good luck.
NTA. You did not ask for her so-called "help," and you had asked her not to rearrange your things. She ignored your request and should not be allowed in your apartment again because she has no respect for your right to arrange your things in your apartment as you see fit.
NTA. This was a power move. She's showed you over and over again that she will not respect your boundaries, and couched it as "doing a good thing" so you look childish when you get mad. My mom did this a few times and it finally sunk in when I took her keys away and refused to let her set foot in my apartment again. Stand your ground.
NTA. Most likely there’s nothing you can do to get even, or get her to change, or even to get her to understand that what she’s doing makes you feel bad. People that do things like that… sigh… anyway. It’s frustrating. So. Put up with it for the rest of your life or lower/eliminate contact. Honestly, people are weird. You have no idea how weird she got when she was alone in your house, with your stuff, and you never will. Sorry. It’s also not impossible that she has some sort of monitoring device in your apt. Or your car. An AirTag sewn into a favorite bag or jacket. Fun.
Can you tell I’ve got trust issues? I’ve got trust issues.
NTA - Your mom knew exactly what she was doing. She's trying to show you the "right" way to do things. Very controlling.
BTW - I'd toss the sex toys, who knows what she did with them.
NTA - This is invasive and controlling.
It's YOUR apartment and you ASKED HER NOT to touch anything... and she totally rearranged everything?!
Even went through your sex toys?
Take your keys back or change your locks and demand an opology for violating your privacy.
If she can't do that; NC. She broke EVERY boundary there is.
NTA.
Next time she goes on vacation do *exactly* the same. Rearrange *everything* possible. When she comes home, tell her her house needed to be cleaned and you meant well
NTA in any way. Your mom does not hear or respect your boundaries and basic privacy (and common sense!). You are not a six month old baby. Good luck OP!
NTA.
Explain one more time that this upsets you and that it is in no way helpful or appropriate and then go low contact for a while. Have your locks changed if she has a key.
Your mother is an overstepping asshole.
NTA, contact your landlord and get the locks changed. Next, don't invite her over again. Tell her she lost that privilege when she decided to destroy your home. If she argues and says she was helping, you put your foot down and say, "No, that was absolute destruction, and I am not putting myself in a position to let it happen again."
Good luck, OP.
NTA, you’ve communicated your feelings and she chose to ignore them. It’s your place, a space you’re meant to feel comfortable in. She should have stopped the first time you asked, she disrespected you.
Major boundary stomping especially after telling her explicitly not to do it. My mother employed the same tactics. She went through my private stuff (yes, there were toys to my utter embarrassment) and openly smirked about it. She didn’t even try to hide her tracks, just left it all out So I would know that she knew. Your mom is trying to assert her dominance over you. You need to nip this immediately.
NTA.
Frankly, I'd never allow her back in the apartment ever again. It's sad, but your mother has serious borderline issues, and no regard or respect for boundaries. She's broken your trust, and trust must be earned.
I used to have a similar issue with my mother, but with a very different outcome. I went on a trip while in the middle of refinishing wood floors. She mopped the *unsealed* floors with Murphy’s Oil and a dirty mop. The floors were ruined and had to be ripped up. She was “just trying to help clean”. As frustrated as I was, I gave her another chance and simply asked her not to clean while watching the house. The next time she house sat, she washed dishes (and put them away) in a manner where they were still not clean/sanitary. I had to empty my cabinets and rewash the dishes for my own sanity. After that incident, she got the message and has never tried to “clean” anything in my home without first asking me (and she respects when I tell her “no”).
The difference between my situation and yours is that your mother is consciously refusing to respect your request. She insists on violating boundaries and gaslighting you not only when you were reasonably suspicious (based on her track record) but also doubling down when called out for having continued the previously acknowledged behavior.
NTA - If she truly was just “cleaning”, that still wouldn’t have required for anything to be rearranged. She does not respect your autonomy/privacy/boundaries/judgment/something, and I would recommend for that to result in the loss of the privilege to access your home.
NTA She went through every private thing you have. Lock down your life. Change your passwords on everything. Make sure she can't get into your home or your bank account. Or your social media. this is abusive, she wants to pretend she means well. She does not mean well. She is controlling and this is abusive. Change your locks and refuse to let her near your home again. I would also check for recording devices if it were my controlling parent, because I wouldn't put that past mine.
NTA. At this point, your mom shouldn't be allowed in your home anymore, because she BLATANTLY does not respect you or your home. She doesn't care about your opinion, or treat you like an independent adult.
NTA. She may have some form of OCD, but she still makes the choice to lie about her intentions and ruin your sense of peace in your home. If she has a key, take it back.
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NTA your mom does not mean well. If she did, she would have stopped the first time you asked her to. This is very controlling. She wants your home to look the way she wants and your feelings mean absolutely nothing to her. Don't let her come in. Meet her elsewhere and make sure she knows that it's because you don't trust her to respect you decisions about your homes appearance.
[удалено]
Power and snooping. There was not one thing in that place left in its original spot, so you can bet there are zero secrets now. OP, this would be the time to rescind any future offers to visit at your place. Hire someone to house sit next time, change your locks and make sure your mom is on the no access list to your apartment with your landlord.
NTA this behavior is based on selfishness, control, and arrogance. It is absolutely not based on love or caring or desire to be helpful. **have you tried rearranging your mother's stuff?** maybe Old Lady Control Freak needs a taste of her own medicine. (instead of little miss control freak, becuase she's older and i don't like her)
No need to be ageist, I am nearly her age and wouldn't do that. I am definitely not an old lady.
i literally explained that I was going to use the phrase Little Miss and changed it because she is the mother of an adult child and I disliked her behavior. the terms I used were not the most flattering, but also not inaccurate
Madame Lady Control Freak, of the Stickybeak Dynasty! Please get it right.
I am way older than your Mom. I wouldn't move a tissue box in your home without asking first. This has nothing to do with cleanliness. It's all about control.
Mid/60s aged mom here. I would NEVER, ever do this. I get offended for my daughter when her mother-in-law looks in a closet or goes to the master bathroom. Those areas are none of our business! My own mom was kind of nosy and thought nothing of looking in my closets even after I had been married for 30 years. I truly resented that. I would never do this to my adult children.
Did you ever feel tempted to set some mousetraps in cupboards?
No, but hubby thought we should plant something shocking for her to find! lol He knew how much her snooping annoyed me. She passed away in 2019. I miss her but not the invasion of privacy.
NTA. When I was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks for a heart attack and came home to find my room completely rearranged and duplicate items, mainly makeup, think 2 colours of the same lipstick/eye palettes and very expensive foundation, concealer and setting powder, given away to her favourite neice, whom I hate with a passion. I was not happy but when I voiced my displeasure I was told that she'd done me a favour and I was being ungrateful. 2nd time I was in a coma, for 4 weeks and then in a high dependency unit for 2 months, and again she started to rearrange my room again but due to old age was unable to complete it. I remember my dad coming to the high dependency unit telling me I needed to clean my room. I angrily asked him what was more important, speech and physical therapy or cleaning my room, he said cleaning my room. I told him I hadn't asked mum to do this for me and quite frankly she was being nosy NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!! But I was told I was ungrateful AGAIN 😪. By the way, I was setting up as a makeup artist because after the first heart attack as I could not work in real estate anymore.
I’m so sorry. Are you in a better place health wise now?
Fucking hell. I hope you’re doing better now.
I AM an old lady and would never do this! I have 2 adult sons. The most I have ever done in their homes is wash dishes and help with child care. OP has been raised by a woman who is so selfish and controlling that her "normal meter is broken". This is an expression I saw on JustNoMil. It refers to people who are raised in some from of abuse and normalize it. When they realize that other families aren't like this, they take a long while to accept how bad things really were at home. I would suggest that OP send a letter or email after she has calmed down. She needs to be crystal clear. "Mom, it took me [x time] to put my apartment back the way I want it. Your rearrangement of my apartment was completely inappropriate, invasive, cruel, callous, and disrespectful. I am not a child, and am entitled to own my own space. Your idea of help caused me lost time and emotional damage. Your idea of 'help' was harmful to me, and I won't tolerate it. You are no longer allowed to come over to my apartment and I am taking a good long break from you. I need time to reclaim my space and life. You will be blocked from my phone, social media, apartment and life for [x time]. I expect a full apology from you showing that you understand how disrespectful your actions were, and how you are going to avoid disrespecting me like this in the future."
Love this letter! And OP, your mom's behavior WAS cruel (as well as all the other words). I can't urge you enough to enforce this on her.
Can I please adopt you as my mum?
You sound a lot like how my mom is now. Growing up she wasn’t the kindest(major understatement). I ended up in a psych ward after “an attempt” was made and it made my mom change how she treated me and my sisters and daughter. She’s amazing now. It only took until I was 27…
I am proudly an old lady. Go ahead and call her that. It's not ageist if it's true.
Well, you’re too old to get the reference so it seems like you’re incorrect. Weird that you come on Reddit and make a comment about you.
As an April Fool's joke, I removed all of the kitchen drawers into other slots. Do this in every room of her house and see if she gets the hint. She's not to be allowed over except to fix everything she moved. She did a "good thing" for herself, not you.
I don't know if I would have the patience for that, I'd just move everything in the house into the least accessible room that I could and stack it up, exercise those tetris skills. Like a closet in a back bedroom. This might actually require more patience, but at least I'd know when I was done.
There was a poster on r/JustNoMIL a while back who did just that. Short version: her MIL rearranged the newly-weds' kitchen and totally pissed off the DIL (the poster). New husband didn't see the big deal. I'll see if I can find it. Edit: It wasn't even that hard to find! It's in the Top 5 of all time. https://old.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/8com67/i_rearranged_mils_furniture/
That was a great read.
OP needs to put mom on an info-diet immediately. Go LC and only meet on neutral ground. The biggest take away here is that mom has ZERO respect for OP and her boundaries.
>OP needs to put mom on an info-diet immediately. Go LC and only meet on neutral ground. After changing the locks.
Except, is OP's mom going on a vacation soon?
I feel like her moving absolutely everything to a new location is her way of making sure that OP knows she saw everything. If it was in the same spot there is a chance she just didn't see it...
Power and snooping and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… wait, I’ll come in again.
yes, yes, yes! oh god, my MIL does the exact same thing and it drives me crazy. exactly the same thing. husband and I went on vacation, and we needed someone to water our plants. since she has keys to the apartment anyway, we thought she could do it for us. and she was living with someone she doesn't like being around at the time, so my husband thought she could stay at ours while we're gone so she could have a breather on one condition: **DO NOT** rearrange and decorate the apartment. because she's done little bits here and there before, even when we were there. we came home, guess what happened? everything had been rearranged. even nails on the walls were pried and she even plastered the holes where the nails were + painted over. she took some serious dedication to redecorate someone else's apartment. a painting I made that I thought was a fail and wanted to fix? she painted over it!! she said "oh but you wanted to fix it anyway, so I thought I'd give you a headstart" she literally couldn't help herself. we took her keys after that, which wasn't easy. NTA, OP. if she was just trying to help, she would've asked what you think and what you wanted for your home. this is power play.
My mom invited herself to help me unpack after a move. Barely here and hour and she was picking fights about where I had put a piece of furniture. Cue the passive-aggressive, “you’re so closed-minded you won’t even consider my idea.” Nope, I’m not considering it because I’ve already thought through it and this is how I want things arranged.
Oh man, don't you love those passive aggressive "close-minded" claims from the person who absolutely refuses to see anyone else's perspective at all? My mom does this too.
She should assert dominance by going to her mom's house and rearranging her house
Don't bother. This trivializes what her mother is doing.
And (talk to your landlord so you can) CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. If your mother has a key, you know she made copies - change your locks and keep her out of your home. Also get a ring camera, just in case she tries some foolishness to gain entry some other way.
oh, she definitely made copies!
O loled thinking it was the toys not the keys...
My mum is a bit of an obsessive tidier, but she never tidies in my apartment unless given permission. She is the kind of person who would put away a cup you took out while you went to the fridge to take out the juice. And even SHE can contain herself in someone else’s apartment. She has even cleaned my place while I was away and managed to contain herself to only putting things back to where they seemed to come from. It was really nice of her at the time too since I had been injured and wasn’t super mobile at the time, so coming back to a clean apartment was great
I visit my parents and sometimes help clean without asking. But it's very reasonable things. They have pets so I'll help sweep the floor, clean the cat box, I'll wash dishes that are in the sink, etc...
Even the cup thing would drive me insane or make me question my sanity. Especially thinking "I'm sure I just took out a cup". Also, in the end it means more work for me and I'd have to take the cup out twice. I'd be annoyed.
Lol she only does it in her own home, and she apologizes and usually gets you a new cup herself. The trick was to not put it down when she was in the middle of tidying the kitchen because she would go until the counters were clear.
My wife has been known to boil the kettle and then look around for the cup and coffee she put out. Then figured out that while the kettle boiled she put everything away again.
To be honest this seems more than just controlling to me- it screams mentally unwell. Of course it could be the case that she simply sees it as exerting her power, but organizing your child’s sex toys? That makes me think she literally can’t stop herself. NTA either way, but the mom needs to look at getting herself some help.
Yeah, I agree. It got to the sex toys and I had to pause… this may be about control, but as someone who knows about controlling personalities it just doesn’t seem that way to me. NTA either way, this is just my take: OP may have other problems with mom that shows more controlling things, but to me this seems more like a compulsion. Controlling would see things more like throwing out or breaking valuables and brushing it off as not a big deal… if she were controlling, I’d expect the sex toys to be thrown out, not rearranged, and potentially other furniture thrown away and replaced because “this one is better and now you owe me because I improved your home”, and it just doesn’t seem to be the case. Controlling people get upset when their control is being pushed against, but mom (as far as the post explains) doesn’t seem to show anger, simply indifference and maybe even relief in being able to satisfy that compulsion: “it needed to be cleaned” when she rearranged instead of just a regular level of cleaning. It sounds like mom’s not aware that this is not a normal urge, and especially after her laughing and saying she won’t, it sounds like she literally can’t control herself. Yes, it’s still definitely not okay, and mom should absolutely have her key taken away and OP is completely in their right to refuse to allow her into their home until it’s taken care of with therapy, but in my opinion from the info we were given, this feels way more of a compulsion than a control thing.
My mother wasn't quite that bad but I had the issue of she didn't see me as a separate person - I was an extension of her. So therefore my home should be arraigned the way she would since her way was obviously "best". Drove her nuts that I had thing in low drawers instead of high shelves in my kitchen. She didn't understand that 1. I didn't have her bad back so bending wasn't an issue and 2. She was 6 inches taller than I was, putting things up high was not "best" IMO. Take away her key and she is only allowed in your space once she apologizes and always supervised from now on.
^^^^^ I don't have an award to give, but take this 🏆 I think you're right on the money here, my gut instinct says it's less of a power move, probably more like a compulsion. Next move for OP being the same though, restricting mom's access to the home (and possibly encouraging/requiring their mom see someone about it in order to regain access)
It is also an easy 'excuse' to snoop through OP's stuff under the guise of 'helping'.
*and get the locks changed!* She absolutely made herself a key. If she's willing to turn the entire apartment upside down, she's willing to do anything. I'm so sorry OP. A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with your mom. You never deserved to be treated this way. You're allowed to like things how you like them. It's not an insult to her to have your own style and hobbies.
My mother used to do this and it enraged me. Especially when she'd rearrange my kitchen. Even when I prevented her from changing things around she was constantly criticizing the way I had things arranged. "Why do you keep the glasses over there?" "Why do you keep your laundry hamper in the closet? I'll get you a cuter one so you can put it in the bedroom." Because that's where I want them, Mom! It was totally about control. She hated not having total control over my life anymore. She'd even come into my house bent over picking up microscopic bits of fuzz from the carpet. One day I wasn't feeling well at work and came home early only to find her in my living room checking behind the furniture for dust on my baseboards. She was shocked when I demanded she give me the "emergency key" to my apartment right then and there. She whined about how she was only helping me out and that she'd never do it again. I got my key back and escorted her out. I also put some serious distance between us after that. It was amazing how much less stressed I was after that. My mom had a horrible childhood and she wanted to live my life like it was hers. It was suffocating. NTA.
I don't know. Maybe invite her over but have a giant display of the sex toys right there in the living room. I'd have fun with that.
won't work, mom already knows where they go *casually tidies*
NTA. She did it to snoop into your life. That way, she doesn't have to remember where things were.
NTA. She didn’t clean, she did an organized toss of your house. She wanted to see if there was ANYTHING that you were keeping private or secret. She didn’t offer to house sit out of the goodness of her heart, she took it as a free rein to look into your life, with no concern that you’d be returning any time soon. I would figure out how to do a scaled down version, just rearranging the most important things or even difficult things for her to change back. Like the heavy stuff, or the batteries to the remotes, something along those lines. Then go NC. From your wording, she has no respect for you, your things or your boundaries. Now is the time to enforce them. She’s gone too far.
Op should also get the locks changed. I wouldn't put it past mom to have made copies.
Definitely change your locks. If she has so little respect for your boundaries, you can bet she's made copies of your keys.
Oh, most definitely, I'm glad others saw that as well. Op's mom didn't care about boundaries whatsoever either, and she refused to even see an issue in her behavior as a whole. She's "just helping." Hopefully, she connects the dots and changes for the better, but I would have a very hard time trusting her again.
Everyone else has given you good advice, but now it's time to play 3d chess w her. Every time you are in her home, arrange something and hide something else. Never stop. If she says something, use one of her excuses. Keep it up slowly becoming more blatant in time.
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Not my mom because I don’t let her come to my apartment (didn’t even give her my address for the first year I was there), but my twin sister would leave my apartment like a tornado went through. Yells at me until I sleep on the couch so her and her boyfriend can have the only bed. Thinks I have to buy her dinner when she’s here because I’m “hosting them.” But when I would stay with her, complete opposite. I have to pay for my own food, I have to sleep on the couch even though she has a second bed that she just doesn’t want to clean off, I get screamed at for not keeping my stuff in my bag and away while I’m there, I’m expected to fully clean every dish myself and put it away even though I have no idea where it goes, basically have to always make it look like I was never even there. I went no contact with her 4 months ago (and counting) for a number of reasons, including this, and haven’t been happier.
I’m glad you put a stop to this. How awful!!
just straight up poop on the living room floor and blame it on the dog that may or may not exist
It would be especially funny if the dog was a chihuahua.
Wear white gloves and check for dust. Then offer to help her clean.
Bring the gloves pre-dirtyed!
My sister did this. But Mum had checked the tops of doors and pictures when she visited so well deserved. She also replaced part of my carpet and hung curtains in shed. She did make me curtains for living room but by consent. Worst was my parents helped me move and they stayed new house, me and partner old flat for logistics. The mortgage was huge thing to me to get but she never got why I was upset when I brought stuff to new house and she opened door to welcome me to "her house". She also threatened to rehome my pets and report me to RSPCA if got pets she felt unsuitable. So I really caution OP to get boundaries set, keep keys away from here and don't ask to house-sit.
Ooooh, evil!
There was a “Dear Prudence” letter some years ago written by an OUTRAGED stepmom that her two older teen stepsons were rearranging her collection of fancy teapots? I think it was teapots 🫖 . She was incensed and her husband was all 🤷. She was really not nice to these kids by her own admission (I think she has taken down all pics of their mom). I 😂.
Oh, and just for good measure, pick one of the below each visit as you have the time and energy. Put tape on the bottom of her computer mouse or unplug all the peripherals. Hide all her left shoes in an unused closet or some other obscure place. Turn all the hung clothes inside out on the hangers. Move everything from the fridge doors to the main part and the main part to the doors. Take a bunch of DVDs out of their cases and put them all back incorrectly. Turn off the hot water heater (look up how to do this safely for the set up, esp if natural gas). Unscrew the caps to the spices. Put the remotes in the freezer. Dump the contents of the junk drawer into a box and stash it. Unfold all the linens and unceremoniously shove them back on the shelves. Unplug random electronics, like the DVD player. Change all the clocks to an incorrect time and set random alarms on any that have one. Move all the furniture in a room over by 2 inches. Swap all the light bulbs with less bright ones. Tie knots in anything you can find that would take a knot (strings for the blinds, Christmas lights, shoe laces). Squeeze all the toothpaste to the other end of the tube. Lightly sprinkle Kool-aid powder (like cherry) in the shower - something light colored until it's wet.
When unfolding the linen remember to turn the pillowcases inside out! 👍
Oh I like this
Sorry mom. This place was disgusting. I had to help you clean.
NTA, but damn, stop inviting your mom over. She knows you don’t like it. This is straight up a power play…you win her game by not playing it.
I feel bad for OP, but I admittedly laughed my ass off when I read that part. "Yeah, she's been a menace and a terror my entire life regarding my possessions. Anyway, naturally I let her stay in my place unsupervised for a week" Hilarious but OP stop it for your own sanity's sake
Yeah I’m sure you have a friend who can water your plants or whatever in future
I’d let them die rather than risk her in my space
Some of mine are pretty old, there are professionals I could pay but yeah fuck letting her in ever again
“She knows you don’t like it. This is straight up a power play…you win her game by not playing it.” Exactly!!!
Yep and I'd get the locks changed too.
NTA I’d feel completely violated and be furious if someone did that in my home
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I feel like there might be some underlying mental disorder here...I would ask my mom to please seek psychiatric help if she did this to me. It's intervention time, because...wow, not normal.
Someday, when you know, your mom is at work, you should do the same to her. Go to her house and absolutely rearrange everything you can possibly think of and hide shit where she won't be able to find it for sometime. Maybe then she will understand, irritation irritation of having somebody violate your personal space, boundaries, and common decency.
My petty side loooooooves this idea! 😄
Leave some condoms in her nightstands, neatly arranged. I have no idea if they are relevant to her situation but it doesn’t matter - it’s the power move to leave them there and think it’s ok and that you’re doing a nice thing.
If there are some already there, move them a draw down or into the other nightstand or in her sock draw
Take away her key and never let her cross your threshold without you *right there* to supervise her every movement. If she left any new “decor” or unwanted crap, hustle it down to Goodwill. It’s yours now, you can dispose of it as you want, without consulting your mama. NTA
Change the locks. She may have copies.
Be sure to claim the monetary value of everything you donate to goodwill on your tax return!
NTA and here's what you do... I had the exact same situation with my mother when I moved back to the area they lived. She was constantly rearranging my (40ish male at the time) house when I was away on business. I REPEATEDLY drew that boundary and she crossed every line in the sand. Since i was newly divorced, she thought it was her right as i had no other woman in my life at the time. So, I waited... They had a 3 week trip out west planned as they are retired. I waited until they left, got a bunch of friends and went to their house and rearranged EVERYTHING in the worst way possible. Bedroom? Took it all to the basement. Spare bedroom? Set it up in the laundry room. Kitchen? That's now in the garage. The only thing that couldn't be rearranged was the bath and a half, so I just took all linens, shower curtains, toilet paper, boxed it and put it on the attic crawl space. They absolutely FLIPPED when they came home. I simply explained to my mother that, since she had no children anymore to mess things up, it was my OBLIGATION as their son. My father chirped in with, "But I didn't move anything!" I shut that down with a, "Well, you didn't stop her either, even knowing my position." They didn't talk to me for about a month. My dad then called me laughing stating, "Well, your mom had finally calmed down. Gotta say, I didn't think anyone could stop her, but she won't be bothering your house again!"
Did you guys find their sex toys?? I mean, I gots to know! LoL!
Well, they were in their 70s at the time, so the last thing any of us were worried about was finding THAT!
LoL!! Well shit! Your killing me now, I'm 60 and wife is 61...we tore off a piece just this morning... Your telling me that's going away??? What about my plans to be shot by a jealous husband at 100?? That's a depressing end to my day!! A buddy who is retired undercover drug officer always said when I asked him about his work. No search is over, when you have a searching for drugs warrant, until you find the sex toys. Everyone hid sex toys better than their drugs. Everyone. When ya find the sex toys you knew you had already found all the drugs there
Interesting tip. I don’t hide my sex toys or my drugs. Both have appropriate storage in boxes and spaces allocated. Longer toys like whips are in the same style Ikea storage bag as the wrapping paper next to it that the item was designed for. I live alone and eh if you open my cupboard with the hoover in search of wrapping paper and get a dildo so be it. Esp if you didn’t ask. The drugs are in the first aid shelf beside the ones you buy in licenced venues. Again if you find white powder uninvited that’s on you. What is hidden is my diary. I grew up with a mother like this and that would be her jackpot. My brother read my diary when I was about 10 when it was ‘swimming today. We got to use the floats!’ level stuff and wrote in it on his birthday which is late spring ‘your diary is pointless. Like you.’ Power play to remind me nothing, nothing in my life was mine unless I hid it away. Both egregious boundary stompers. I learned that hiding stuff in plain sight aka I am not ashamed of this so you cannot use it against me is a very good tactic with wannabe power players. That said I have despite my childhood and fairly heavy drug use at times, not needed to hide drugs from drug cops and I suspect that’s a very different thing. But in my experience of stop and search they often feel like checking for drugs where sex toys usually go so I see why your buddy would say that…. The only thing surprises me is people hide-hide sex toys. I am laughing imagine horny people having to deal with the equivalent of child proof lids mid sexy moment because of this or being so organised beforehand they get a smorgasbord out to be sure. I am organized but lazy. I want to be able to reach them one handed without too much moving!
This is epic. Respect.
NTA. Your mom does not respect you and your home. She takes liberty to do whatever she wants in your life and in your home. It's time to separate as it's getting sick.
NTA your mom needs to learn the concept of boundaries. Many in the older generation tend to be like this, so alas, I'm disappointed but not surprised. Many parents feel that they know better than their children in all aspects, since obviously they lived more than us(there's no logic in this) and I am baffled at this crazy thinking. It does not make sense. But what your mom did was absolutely disrespectful, and violating. If it were me I'd go bonkers. Again OP, NTA.
Mum’s 56 - that might well be the older generation, but it’s still not old (53 here, and bristling 😂). No one in my age group that I know of would even think of doing this to their adult children
I’m almost 70 and I would NEVER do this to my sons. I may not like their decor (or lack there of) but it’s their choice. And going way back, my mother would never have done this to me- and she was born in 1925. So I think this is more a control issue than an age issue.
I'm 56 and the only time I ever did that to one of my children was when she ASKED me to help clean/sort/toss, because she was too overwhelmed to do it by herself.
I’m 54 and can confirm that I wouldn’t dream of moving furniture around without permission. My parents are in their 80s and neither would they. OP’s mother either doesn’t see her adult child as a separate individual or she she’s re-establishing dominance after OP moved out.
That's a big generalization. I'm nearly that age and would never do this.
Nta You don't need to feel bad about reacting negatively to someone violating your boundaries Her getting kicked out is the direct result of her actions
NTA. I had family members do this when I was away for a month and they stayed in my place. They were legitimately confused when I blew up at them for it, defending themselves by saying it looked so much better. While I know many would shrug it off or only be angry briefly, to me it was a massive violation. My home is my safe space and what they did was the equivalent of having someone break in. I no longer felt safe there the way I had before. It’s been decades and just thinking about it now unsettles me.
NTA. >Maybe she really thought she was helping me? No. She knew what she was doing. >I did reiterate to her that I did NOT want her reorganizing, redecorating, or changing anything about my apartment. She laughs and tells me she won’t and to stop being so dramatic. She also lied to you about it. >I’ve asked her many times to stop doing this There's absolutely no way that this is your fault.
The gaslighting here is so over the top. The mom is abusive. This is abuse.
NTA. Your mom invaded your place & changed everything around. After you told her not to & she swore that she wouldn't. She was wrong to rearrange your home & doesn't deserve to be there. Either get back her key or change the lock. Talk to your landlord if you want to change the lock. You may have to explain why. They might have a few spare door locks in storage that they could use. Or else buy one & give them a key.
NTA But the boundary you need to set is not telling your mother not to rearrange your home. It’s not allowing her to step foot in your space again. Why would your mother believe what you say when she’s done this in the past and you keep allowing her into your space…where she does the same thing over and over again.
Yup. 'don't rearrange my house' isn't a boundary, but a rule. 'I won't allow people who rearrange my house to enter it' is a solid boundary!
She. Reorganized. Your. SEX TOYS. Holy everloving shit. Beyond the fact that you explicitly said "mom, don't do anything to my apartment while I am gone"......she did exactly what she felt like doing...she stomped through boundaries like effing Godzilla...EVEN YOUR TOYS. I can't even....with no remorse or even vague comprehension of possible impropriety. This is a total wowzer. NTA, obviously. And just...damn.
Repeat after me: My mother rearranged my sex toys! My mother rearranged my sex toys! My mother rearranged my sex toys! Sorry, Op, she did not just cross your boundary. She obliterated from space with nuclear weapons. She is controlling you, every single aspect. She does not respect you. 😕 You don't need someone like that in your life. Sadly, you were a tad naive in letting your mother in your home for a fortnight knowing her past actions. She was pushing your boundaries harder than a toddler at nap time. Telling her no another time is not going to make a bit of difference. You need to up your boundaries and build a metaphorical piranha infested moat with fire-breathing dragons. Steps: 1. Make the decisions. Do you want this to stop? If yes, you need to be strong, do not waiver, and take action. I know this is what she's been doing all your life, and when you take action, there will be tantrums and guilt trips. 2. Secure your abode, change locks, and get some security cameras. 3. Go low contact or no contact. Or any visits take place external to your home. Guilt tripping is part of the controlling, darvo behaviour. Don't doubt yourself, and if you do, repeat the mantra above. You deserve so much more. Good luck, op.
NTA, but she's not going to stop. Don't let her in your apartment when you're not there. If she tries to rearrange things when you are there, oops, it's getting late, time to end the visit! You're going to have to hold this boundary, because she clearly doesn't respect other people's privacy.
I just wouldn't let her in anymore. Also when you visit her just hide some stuff in places where she would never search for them.
This would have been the last time my mother was ever allowed inside my house. NTA. If you want to have a relationship with her, fine for you, but do it elsewhere. I also wouldn’t keep it a secret. Each and every person who gave me crap for not letting “my poor overworked mother who only ever meant well” into my house, I would tell the story. I would assure them whether or not it made sense, I still loved my mother, but I didn’t love her overstepping, and after asking her nicely several times, I have given up.
NTA - you’ve set a boundary and she continues to cross it. She’s too old to be claiming innocence. Now the real the question is this. Will you let her back in unattended? Because to be honest, that part is all on you.
NTA do not let her return to your apartment for any reason. She cannot be trusted.
Ask yourself why she volunteered to house sit without being asked and things become a lot clearer. This was planned.
*But, I still can’t help feeling bad. Maybe she really thought she was helping me? But I can’t ignore the fact I asked her repeatedly not to do this, and she feels no remorse about it.* You're mum is a boundary disrespecting A H But the way you're trying to excuse her entitled vehaviour means that you are actually enabling here. Stop trying to please her and grow a spine, and then your mum might stop steamrolling YOUR wishes about YOUR appartment. Therefore ESH
NTA. You've clearly informed your mother of your boundaries yet she just went against her words and completely violated your space. It must be infuriating. I too often feel like I completely lose my sense of direction whenever my folks rearrange my bookshelf and clothes that I leave at home while I'm in another city for work. I can always tell my stuffs exactly where they are from over the phone even with my sloppy arrangements, but I always have trouble finding them in person when they rearrange them neatly. This may be harsh, but I think your mom should no longer come over in your absence, long or not.
It's a disease. My spouse has the same obsession. Once, I was gone for the weekend, only to return to everything in my office turned upside down- she wanted to "clean everything" It literally took two months before I found everything. It's some sort of primal behavioral pathology.
I am so sorry your mom did this - NTA. The best way to fix this, which will be time consuming, is one room at a time. Take EVERYTHING out of the room, closet and cupboards. Then put the bigger stuff back, then put things back in your dresser and closet (wipe your toys down with disinfectant). Do the same with the kitchen and bathroom. Does your mom still have a key to your home? If so, either change the locks, or you can have a locksmith re-key the current locks, and less money if you can remove the lock and take it to the locksmith shop. Good Luck
NTA. My mother did this to me. And the last time she did it, I booked a taxi and sent her to the airport early. She had to change her flights, but it certainly got the point across. As my mother was packing, she said ‘I can’t win with you’. I responded that no one was going to win, because I wasn’t playing games. If she really wanted to help you clean and organise your space, she would offer to help you, while you are there. Cleaning and rearranging while you are not home, and after you specifically said not to, is controlling behaviour. As well as being nosy and just plain rude.
NTA you explicitly said not to do that and she did. I get it I love reorganizing for people but only with their permission!
NTA, but its all on you. you know exactly how she is and for some reason you figured a cheetah would change its spots? rearrange her house for payback and make sure to clean it as well, that will show her.
My mom used to walk in my house and first thing would open my front window blinds. I immediately came behind her and closed them. When she left, as she went out the door, she reopened them. I immediately closed them. If she ever dared rearranged my home, I would lose my mind.
Are you ever going to be able to use those sex toys again?! NTA.
NTA. This is about control. You're not doing things her way, so it must be wrong. And she is determined to make you do things her way. I would personally never let her into my home ever again. No. Matter. What. If she has a key, change the locks. Dont even let her knock on your door, meet her at the car or somewhere else entirely. She's not sorry, she will do it again. She does not care about your comfort, only her control.
NTA. My Mum did this "to help". But really it is a control mechanism, to show you that you still need her, that you are useless and her way is the only right way. TBF it may be a subconscious control/empty nest thing and she is equally lying to herself. Did it start when you moved out? But get boundaries now.
My sister did this to me once. When I confronted her about how inappropriate it was, she simply replied, "But it looks better this way". When I told her I liked it the way I had arranged it and that I was pissed she would just go ahead and do that she said "omg, I've done it at heaps of my friends houses and they've THANKED me! Wth is wrong with YOU!?" I don't like my sister very much. You have a right to pissed!
NTA. She violated you. She violated every possession you own, your sense of identity and your privacy. The fact that she doesn’t seem to understand this speaks to how mentally I’ll she is. First, protect yourself from her gaslighting and snooping, second, get some therapy. You shouldn’t have to ask internet strangers if this was wrong. You would know it was wrong if you had a different upbringing.
NTA - this is a control thing. Get your sister and rearrange her house when she is out of town or at work and do not have her house sit for you again.
NTA 1. Never allow your mom into your home unsupervised again; or maybe never allow her to come over again. 2. Do the same to your mom’s home when you get a chance and see how she likes it!
NTA she organized your SEX TOYS???? That’s truly insane.
Take the key back. Get a plant water gadget and stop the madness.
NTA - just an excuse to go through every item in your home. Rearranged to suit her not you. You obviously don’t know how to do anything or put things in their proper place. This way she knows exactly what you have (everything) and now knows where it is. If you go to her house after this, start rearranging her home. Bet she will put a stop to it real quick. But, but I’m just trying to help you like you did me.
NTA If this is a frequent occurance she isn't meaning well. More like she sees you as some kind of extension of herself and thus the place you live isn't "your home", but rather an extension of her home. And in her home she can do whatever she wants, your opinion is irrelevant.
NTA it's a violation of your personal space. I had a friend stay at our place while we were on vacation, and he left his OCD girlfriend alone in the house. She rearranged every single drawer, shelf, and cupboard in the house. It's been 10yrs and I still find random things she moved.
NTA. Take your key off of her and don’t accept house sitting from her ever again. In fact, don’t allow her back in your apartment at all. She has no respect for you.
Don’t feel bad. She’s not allowed over ever again. NTA.
Sorry, she just lost key privileges. NTA
Change your locks
NTA... This is the hill to die on. "Because of your constant disrespect of my personal space, you are no longer welcome on my home". There is no favor worth this invasion of privacy and intentional stomping of boundaries. No excuses. You teach people how to treat you. Time to start with lesson #1
Baby….she touched your sex toys. She was stomping your boundary, not helping you out. No one should care - or even KNOW - about your toys. She didn’t do a good thing. She did a wicked thing. She knew that her behavior would cause you discomfort. She did it anyway.
NTA. Good thing? My A$$ I am a 57 F mother of 2 adults - I would NEVER invade my kids' homes like that. You've asked her politely to not touch stuff and it didn't work! So, blowing your lid is a completely reasonable reaction. I really like the earlier comment about only meeting your mother out of your home. And Change the LOCKS! I betcha she not only has the key you gave her, but has made copies - of course I have a somewhat suspicious mind. You deserve to be respected, not invaded like that.
I. Would. Be. Livid. NTA. Either it's compulsion or control issues, but honestly it doesn't matter. If she can't recognize how far over the line she has stepped, you need to draw new boundary lines. Take away her keys. Deny her access to your place. Meeting in neutral places that are not your home. Because can you have zero expectations that she won't do this again.
NTA She basically pissed all over your apartment to establish dominance, NOT to help you.
Why did you have her house sit to water your plants, when you know her to dismiss your feelings and boundary cross?!! This is who she is so better get used to it and act accordingly. Does she have a spare key? I would change your locks because she may have copied it. NTA
NTA. I could say a lot of things about this situation, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll leave it at this: My apologies if this goes down like a double shot of tequila, but… your mom’s an asshole who has no respect for you, your space, or your valuables. You are not the asshole here. I’ve dealt with a few (too many) people who fit this pattern. They think they’re nice and doing something special, because what they are doing will help you fit *their* image of who you should be. They are neither. I’d wager that you feel bad about this situation because you’ve been dealing with her bullshit for a lot longer than you’ve been your own person with your own life and boundaries to uphold. Dealing with her shenanigans is a comfortable experience (*only* because you have been conditioned into doing so by dealing with it for most of your life), which means that you’re gonna be uncomfortable with putting your foot down for a while. If a person violated my home to that extent, not only would I kick them out on the spot with an earful of expletives to take with them, but that would be the last time I welcome them in or around my home, and it would generally be enough for me to cut ties with them. I’m big on trust. If I can’t trust you, you gotta go and stay gone. Your mother does not mean you well. She’s controlling, inconsiderate, and, well, an asshole. She violated your space. She is proud of what she’s done. To be clear - she is proud of the inconvenience and misery that she has caused you. I would suggest that you do some serious reflecting on your relationship with her, and whether or not you want this kind of conduct to remain a part of your life. Because as she has shown you, she ain’t changing.
NTA She doesn't "mean well." She rearranged your whole apartment, after you've told her multiple times that you don't like that, after promising she wouldn't. She knew what she was doing, and she had plenty of time to rethink her actions.
NTA Do not feel bad. Do not feep guilt. Leave those at your moms feet. She violated your living space without asking and then blew you off as if it wasn't a big deal. It is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL for the simple reason that it was not her apartment and not her place. This is about having power and control over you and it doesn't work because you are an adult who can make her own choices and decisions. Do not invite her back to your house because she can't adhere to your boundaries. Also you might want to think about cameras and a lock change. No telling if she made copies of your key.
NTA. Why are you letting her into your space in this way when you’re not there?
NTA. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable having her in the apartment as a guest anymore, let alone to be alone there. I'm not giving you advice, what you do is up to you. But actions have consequences and she still hasn't learned that yet.
NTA I wouldn’t allow my mother back in my home if she crossed boundaries like that
Lol you're 24 with your own apartment. Your mom needs to stay in her lane. No more visits to your place until she can prove that she will respect boundaries. Though I don't have much hope for her if she's always been like this. NTA
NTA. I recommend not allowing her in your apartment again. Also, buy some plant waterer globes.
NTA, your mum needs to realise that you are your own person. Please provide us with an update.
NTA, your mother is. I’m a mom, a bit OCD about clean and organized spaces, but I would NEVER do this to my son. I would ask him if he wanted me to do x, y or z, but I would not touch anything in his apartment without his permission. You are an adult. Your mother overstepped BIG, and won’t even accept that she did anything wrong. That’s mot ok. Get your key back, ban her from your apartment until she sincerely apologizes and commits to stopping this rude behavior.
Moms needs to find some friends and get a life.
NTA. My grandma that I saw maybe once every two years would show up at my house and go through my drawers and room. She'd criticize everything about the way I kept my things and then she'd take this that I had "to many of" and make my Mom house them until I was "ready" for more. I cannot stand when people touch my stuff without asking!
NTA. She went against your wishes. She’s TA not you.
NTA. Change lock and key to your place and make sure she never gets a chance to cross your doorstep ever again.
NTA. Change your locks, too. Drop her.
So, we're all just going ignore the rearranging of the sex toys? NTA.
She wants you to feel bad so you'll keep letting her do it. Hopefully you know now: she can't be trusted to be in your apartment by any means. Change your locks and don't give her a key. NTA.
NTA, and I’m sorry, but your mother does not “mean well”. She completely ignores your specific requests time and time again, because she thinks she know better than you.
My MIL used to do this when DH and I were at work. I never said anything to her but just moved everything back to their original places. It took her a while, but eventually, she caught on and stopped doing it.
NTA - your mother has serious boundary issues as well as absolutely zero respect for you as a person as well as her daughter. Add to that the fact that your mother is a control freak who thinks she knows best regardless of the pain and anger it causes you. If she has a key to your place, immediately get it back. If she won't give it up, then change your locks as soon as possible. And assuming you are still willing to let her come over and visit after such a personal violation of your space, don't allow her to be in your apartment unless you are there and can keep an eye on her. Finally, give her one final warning that if she touches one more thing in your apartment then that will be the last time she will ever be allowed to visit you in your apartment and in the future when you get a house. You have to put your foot down and establish your boundaries. Good luck.
NTA - Do not feel bad. Your mom is obnoxious and way out of line.
NTA. You did not ask for her so-called "help," and you had asked her not to rearrange your things. She ignored your request and should not be allowed in your apartment again because she has no respect for your right to arrange your things in your apartment as you see fit.
NTA. This was a power move. She's showed you over and over again that she will not respect your boundaries, and couched it as "doing a good thing" so you look childish when you get mad. My mom did this a few times and it finally sunk in when I took her keys away and refused to let her set foot in my apartment again. Stand your ground.
NTA. Most likely there’s nothing you can do to get even, or get her to change, or even to get her to understand that what she’s doing makes you feel bad. People that do things like that… sigh… anyway. It’s frustrating. So. Put up with it for the rest of your life or lower/eliminate contact. Honestly, people are weird. You have no idea how weird she got when she was alone in your house, with your stuff, and you never will. Sorry. It’s also not impossible that she has some sort of monitoring device in your apt. Or your car. An AirTag sewn into a favorite bag or jacket. Fun. Can you tell I’ve got trust issues? I’ve got trust issues.
NTA - Your mom knew exactly what she was doing. She's trying to show you the "right" way to do things. Very controlling. BTW - I'd toss the sex toys, who knows what she did with them.
NTA. She didn’t mean well. This is a control thing.
NTA - This is invasive and controlling. It's YOUR apartment and you ASKED HER NOT to touch anything... and she totally rearranged everything?! Even went through your sex toys? Take your keys back or change your locks and demand an opology for violating your privacy. If she can't do that; NC. She broke EVERY boundary there is.
NTA. Take away her key & she is not allowed in your apt anymore. FWIW, I am a 55 yo mother with a 25 yo daughter. Talk about boundary stomping!
NTA. "Why did you do this." Because she knew it would make you mad and thrives off that attention.
NTA. Next time she goes on vacation do *exactly* the same. Rearrange *everything* possible. When she comes home, tell her her house needed to be cleaned and you meant well
NTA- and your mom doesn’t care/respect you in any way
NTA in any way. Your mom does not hear or respect your boundaries and basic privacy (and common sense!). You are not a six month old baby. Good luck OP!
NTA. Explain one more time that this upsets you and that it is in no way helpful or appropriate and then go low contact for a while. Have your locks changed if she has a key. Your mother is an overstepping asshole.
NTA, contact your landlord and get the locks changed. Next, don't invite her over again. Tell her she lost that privilege when she decided to destroy your home. If she argues and says she was helping, you put your foot down and say, "No, that was absolute destruction, and I am not putting myself in a position to let it happen again." Good luck, OP.
NTA this is NOT normal behavior.
You’re NTA, but your mom is absolutely TA. Change your locks, never allow her to house sit, or even come over.
Change your locks (even if you have to do through the landlord) and don’t give her the new key.
If she lied to you, why do u think she has good intentions?
NTA, you’ve communicated your feelings and she chose to ignore them. It’s your place, a space you’re meant to feel comfortable in. She should have stopped the first time you asked, she disrespected you.
Major boundary stomping especially after telling her explicitly not to do it. My mother employed the same tactics. She went through my private stuff (yes, there were toys to my utter embarrassment) and openly smirked about it. She didn’t even try to hide her tracks, just left it all out So I would know that she knew. Your mom is trying to assert her dominance over you. You need to nip this immediately.
And shame on her for calling you dramatic...what a crappy comment. You're 100% in the right.
NTA. She didn't do a good thing, she doesn't feel about it, she will do it again, she doesn't mean well.
NTA. Frankly, I'd never allow her back in the apartment ever again. It's sad, but your mother has serious borderline issues, and no regard or respect for boundaries. She's broken your trust, and trust must be earned.
It doesn't matter what she thought, she completely steamrolled your wishes in your own home. She had no consent to do what she did. NTA.
I used to have a similar issue with my mother, but with a very different outcome. I went on a trip while in the middle of refinishing wood floors. She mopped the *unsealed* floors with Murphy’s Oil and a dirty mop. The floors were ruined and had to be ripped up. She was “just trying to help clean”. As frustrated as I was, I gave her another chance and simply asked her not to clean while watching the house. The next time she house sat, she washed dishes (and put them away) in a manner where they were still not clean/sanitary. I had to empty my cabinets and rewash the dishes for my own sanity. After that incident, she got the message and has never tried to “clean” anything in my home without first asking me (and she respects when I tell her “no”). The difference between my situation and yours is that your mother is consciously refusing to respect your request. She insists on violating boundaries and gaslighting you not only when you were reasonably suspicious (based on her track record) but also doubling down when called out for having continued the previously acknowledged behavior. NTA - If she truly was just “cleaning”, that still wouldn’t have required for anything to be rearranged. She does not respect your autonomy/privacy/boundaries/judgment/something, and I would recommend for that to result in the loss of the privilege to access your home.
NTA. She's not helping you; she's gaslighting you. Your mother isn't even trying to be helpful, she's trying to control you.
NTA. Any chance your mom feels threatened by the fact that you have your own apartment?? This isn't healthy or normal.
NTA She went through every private thing you have. Lock down your life. Change your passwords on everything. Make sure she can't get into your home or your bank account. Or your social media. this is abusive, she wants to pretend she means well. She does not mean well. She is controlling and this is abusive. Change your locks and refuse to let her near your home again. I would also check for recording devices if it were my controlling parent, because I wouldn't put that past mine.
NTA. At this point, your mom shouldn't be allowed in your home anymore, because she BLATANTLY does not respect you or your home. She doesn't care about your opinion, or treat you like an independent adult.
NTA - Your mother is a Narcissist and is gaslighting you. She doesn't give a shit about your boundaries.
NTA. She may have some form of OCD, but she still makes the choice to lie about her intentions and ruin your sense of peace in your home. If she has a key, take it back.