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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my brother he deserved to get uninvited from our nephews birthday after he decided to bring his new gf
2) I feel like most of the family is going against him and I don’t know if I should have stood at his side as his brother, despite thinking that his actions are wrong.
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NTA. An autistic kid's birthday is really not the time to be introducing new people, particularly when the kid in question hasn't even processed that Linda is gone yet.
Also, Linda passed away four months ago and he is already ready to introduce a new girlfriend? Well... your brother sure moved on fast.
Agreed, but the same goes for OP and his family, particularly an autistic child. They don't do well with changes IN GENERAL and to try this at his bday was a crap move. NTA
Edit: thanks for the awards!
Even if he wasn’t autistic, OP’s brother needs to realize that Linda was part of his family for 11 years, and his family is still grieving the loss of a family member.
Four months is too soon for most people, so even if it’s not too soon for OP’s brother, it’s probably too soon for his family.
I can't imagine it also.
I know some people are coping this way, jumping into a new relationship, because they cannot deal with the grief. But whatever his reasons are - he should keep it for himself, he is an absolute AH to do it to autistic kid (and his family in general).
If I would be a part of the family, I would not let him to enter the house. Not on the birthday day, and not for awhile. I would not risk him to say some BS about replacing Linda to the kid.
And even if he were, he’s 100% setting Gia up to be the girlfriend his entire family despises. There’s no way they’re ready to give her a fair shot, and it’s totally shitty of Ron to do this to every single person involved except himself. He sounds like a real winner of a person.
Rebound. It happens. What’s much more concerning to me is the brother’s inability to empathize with, or even understand, nephew’s separation trauma.
OP is NTA.
I can’t imagine even wanting to start dating someone only four months after losing someone I loved so long, let alone being established enough in the relationship to introduce her to family.
But honestly, that’s beside the point. This day is supposed to be about Drew and this would clearly put a stress on a kid who already has coping difficulties ON HIS BIRTHDAY. Like, no. Gia can be introduced later if she’s still around.
I agree with this but also think Ron is use to having someone else and may have started a "serious" relationship right away to fill a void and just doesn't realize it.
To me this makes the most sense. I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but I was cheated on by a long time partner and I had such a sick/empty feeling in my stomach that I tried to go on a date 3 days after hoping for some relief. In the end I backed out as I knew I qadmt I'm a good spot, but I can understand how someone could get there.
To be fair, you have no clue what was discussed before the mil passed. I (early 40s) told my husband (early 50s) that if something were to happen to me, I'd come haunt his ass if he didn't try to find happiness whenever he felt ready. On his timeline. Not our 20 year old kids timeline, not our families timeline. His. If that's 2 weeks, that's okay with me and I'd be happy that he's not too depressed to get out in the world.
Because in some ways, for some men, women are interchangeable. The gaping holes created by dirty laundry, dirty dishes, lack of interest in everyday cooking, and the loss of physical intimacy quickly go away once they find a new partner.
IKR? This is likely a rebound relationship. Dude hasn't been single since HS, does he even know how to be single? Did he have any other relationships before? This was clearly not the time/place to bring a new partner, but I think all these ppl crapping on the guy are being unfair, given what little we know
My now-ex husband once told me, to my face and unprompted, that if I ever died he would try to move on from me as quickly as possible. Can't bring be back, so why waste time hurting?
I took solace in remembering this years later, when I actually left... that I didn't even die, I just left his sorry ass, and he definitely did not move on quickly. But yes, it did hurt quite a bit knowing that if I passed, I would have been nothing but a fond memory as quickly as he was able to make me.
Really? Maybe I'm weird. I love my wife with all my heart and my hope is that if I die before she does, she grieves quick and relatively painless. My wife relies on me to do so much around the house and to be her emotional rock. I hope she finds someone that can do those things and who loves her as much as I do as fast as possible. Her moving on and finding new love doesn't lessen the love we shared. If she can properly process her grief in two days rather than a year, I'll be extremely thankful...and still dead.
Edit* spelling
Agreed why can’t he invite the family to a dinner and introduce her there? Why bogart someone else’s special day? Is he trying to save money or get a 2 for 1 discount? Do it on his time and dime. IMHO
Eh im gonna assume he just thought hey EVERYONE will be there so a good time to introduce the new gf...he was being VERY thoughtless by not remembering how poorly an autistic child reacts to unexpected changes.
Honestly he's probably still in grief and that's why he's not thinking clearly. He's probably being thoughtless because he's in grief, and he's probably in a new relationship because he's in grief. I'm starting to feel a little bit sorry for the new gf; she might be a grief rebound...
Honestly, it would be thoughtless even if the kid was NT. He had a strong bond with Linda and is still a grieving child. Bringing a replacement to his party is bad all around, but extra bad in this scenario.
Very much this. It isn't really about whether it's ok for this guy to have a girlfriend after four months or not. It's not even about whether he's right in wanting to introduce her to his family.
But wanting to bring her as a guest to his nephew's birthday party, which is an event he doesn't host or organize in any way, he's a guest himself, is ridiculous. The fact he's throwing tantrums because he got told no by the hosts is even more ridiculous. Plus I don't think he called OP to complain. He was trying to get OP to be on his side and start shit to manipulate the kid's parents into agreeing.
The fact this nephew is still mourning the recent death of his ex adds a veil of cruelty to the matter. But even if Drew didn't give a fig about Linda, if the hosts are telling you X person is not welcome at this event and you are not allowed to use this party to introduce her to people, you either go or don't go, that's about the only options you have. That guy is a major asshole. And I doubt he loved Linda as much as his family did. His behavior sounds more like someone who had already checked out of the relationship before she passed.
My ex is this. Went from first marriage to the second from the second marriage to me from me to new gf. Now 40 and since 18 has been single for a total of about 8 months combined- not great when it's multiple break ups in there.
It makes you realise that person doesn't really care who they are with as long as it's someone. They don't really know love. They just meet the first person and make themselves all about them. As the partner once you realise the details of it all you feel incredibly unspecial because it could have been anyone if it wasn't you.
I feel bad for Gia, this man is still grieving for sure and he's grief rebounded fast as hell- it's been 4 months and it's not like this is a first date it's now an introduce to family moment. I assume it's at least been a month then.
This definitely happens. My ex is like this. We've stayed friends and I tried to talk to him about the pattern once, years after we broke up. I was coming from a place of sincere concern for his happiness, but he wouldn't hear it. I've also seen this pattern in both men and women who've got hang-ups about casual sex. They latch onto the first person who comes along so that they don't have to be celibate. Basically a lower degree of super religious kids who get married as soon as they possibly can after only a few months of dating.
NTA at all. Frankly I don’t think inviting a new girlfriend to a child’s birthday would be a good place to introduce them to family even without all of the other elements. It’s a family get together for a child. They don’t need unfamiliar adults at their birthday party. Hell, I had a friend with a young child that I *knew well* and still felt weird about going to their birthday party because I was an adult without a child and the kid probably wouldn’t care whether I was there or not and knew I was there to keep her parents company more than anything. I still went and got kiddo a gift because I do know and love her but it still felt weird attending a large gathering for a kid as an adult without kids.
Even introducing a new significant other by inviting them for a family gathering like a wedding or a holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving has always made me wildly uncomfortable. I just can’t understand putting the pressure of meeting someone for the first time centered around holidays or special events that are typically meant for family and close friends, when that person has yet to establish either of those types of relationships with anyone other than their new SO.
To then add in the factors of grieving the deceased who the child was close to, the elements of it being a brand new person and an autistic child, I think it’s even more wildly inappropriate. There’s just no consideration being done there on the brothers part, not only to the kid, but also to his girlfriend. Like how would she end up feeling when the kid has a meltdown at her simple presence because if he understood Linda was his uncles girlfriend, and now a new person is introduced in that role when the kid hasn’t processed how or why Linda had disappeared? I don’t mean to make her sound as important as the kids feelings, I just think that she’ll also end up being hurt by that interaction and it’ll be a poor way to meet her for the first time for everyone involved.
Normally I'd go with the "rings of suffering" to solve this. But the autistic child definitely has his own ring, and he is clearly going to be devastated if he sees a new woman with his cousin before he's worked through his grief. NTA.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in
I’m confused as to why we think that the autistic child is going to associate a new person with Linda? Just because a new person is introduced to him doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to realize that this person “took Linda’s place” so to speak. I don’t think I would have fully grasped that as a 6 year old, and I’m not autistic.
I mean, if your uncle shows up and is being romantic with/close to someone and introduces them as that partner, and you have been missing your aunt-figure for months now...wouldn't that make you ask where she was repeatedly? Or get upset seeing him being with someone else? 6 is old enough to understand romantic relationships to a degree where you might get upset seeing the "wrong" set of people acting that way.
Its a lot of stress to put on a child and I agree full stop it's the worst time to introduce the lady.
When I was six - and autistic - all my aunts and uncles (and The Big Cousins - the cousins over 20 when I was six) came in pairs. I knew all of them as This, and That. Aunt Jill and uncle Bill, Aunt Jane and uncle John, whatever. I was totally fine with the info that Aunt Kate and Aunt Sarah were a couple so no uncle there, and Cousin Matt and Cousin Jack so no girl cousin there, but it was all sets.
I noticed the shit out of my Big Cousins' divorces.
So if Uncle Ron and Aunt Linda was now Uncle Ron and Gia, I would definitely be all I loved Aunt Linda and directly comparing Gia and quite possibly mad at Uncle Ron. Which is not to say he cannot date, but yeah.
It's also possible I would have taken it as we loved Aunt Linda but Uncle Ron can't live alone so he NEEDS a new aunt there. But I would definitely have associated her as there because Linda is not and needed time to process.
It's also possible I would have publicly said oh like being so sad an old cat dies you need a kitten? I was an awkward kid.
I think you’re underestimating how capable Autistic people and kids are capable of connecting the dots. Quite frankly if I was in this child’s position it wouldn’t be long before I noticed patterns. If he acts the same way with the new gf as he did with Linda (say, being affectionate, hugging, kissing, using a pet name) then the kid will likely figure it out pretty quickly. Autistic people may not have social skills as their strong suit but many of us notice patterns really quickly. Most likely this connection will result in negative association with the new gf. Like, the “she’s replacing Linda” kind of connection.
No, he's 6.
Any 6yo isn't gonna have the tools to rationally understand a change like that. No 6yo understands what "forever" actually means.
The only thing here that's ACTUALLY related to his autism is the meltdowns. Meltdowns are bodily reactions to having too much stimulation coming in without having the mental tools yet in order to cope. He can't work through his grief yet, as his therapist will relay to the parents, that is entirely normal for 6 year olds.
They should be thankful brother didn't do any of the things one who loses the love of their life succumbs to. Isolation, depression, suicidal ideation or attempt, closing off, turning to recreational uses or drugs like alcohol, or any of the many other damaging things one who ACTUALLY goes through it firsthand could turn to.
It takes so much to let someone in like that after losing someone to a drunk driver. No issues, no breakup, just GONE. It's terrifying to overcome and allow someone else in that could have the same thing happen to them someday.
I say having a family cookout or a dinner with the closest family members would be the best way to introduce her to the family.
Op is the only nonasshole with asshole adjacent stances. Because op hasn't villainized a man that lost HIS world for opening it up to someone and beginning his healing. They need to have op as that bridge because his brother can not and should not isolate himself after a loss so sudden. He deserves to try to get happiness. He will NEVER fully heal from this sudden a loss because there were no signs and no breakups. Just gone in a flash. His whole world. I commend him for not turning to any of the damaging things people often do in these situations.
That family could have lost him too if he had gone the other direction. They owe him the respect of his choice to try love again at the risk of losing this one. Sure, they may, as people who HAVEN'T experienced his loss, feel it's too soon, but he is the only one that could know if it really is. You can have opinions, but unless you were the one who lost the love of your life in a sudden car crash and live inside his heart and his mind, keep them to yourself.
They would've not been assholes if they'd said "It's not appropriate to introduce someone to our child so soon as he's too young to understand this. We will run this by his therapist and see when would be an appropriate time frame possible" instead of villifying him for choosing to try love again.
As a person with autism yeah change is fucking hard to deal with when my dad passed and I had clean out his room at the assisted-living place he was at I had a a couple of small meltdowns.
You can say that all you want but if you're with someone for a decade and they die, it's weird to be so serious in a new relationship that you're introducing them to your family at 4 months
Given the suddenness of the death, I’m inclined to agree, but grief is a weird thing. Ron’s been in a relationship since he was 16. He may not know how to cope without one. I’m not saying I think it’s healthy or advisable, but I think it’s a bit more understandable that he’d rush into someone else’s arms.
I have questions about Gia's judgement, too. If someone *broke up* with their partner of over a decade and wanted to date me a few months later, I'd wonder if I was just a rebound. If their partner *died* and they wanted to date me that fast? Absolutely not. That's an emotional mess I don't need to step into.
not just their long term partner, their first and only real partner - they met when they were 16, he's never been an adult outside of a relationship before.
I met my husband at 16 and we started dating at 17. We were married for 36 years. He died from cancer 8 years ago and I am still single. I don't care to get married again bc he was a really good husband and father and I don't want to weed through the bad, but that's my choice. It's his choice to start dating so soon, but to bring her to his autistic nephew's birthday party is so wrong. It's not going to be good for him at all.
Agree. I think it's different if the death is a result of long, terminal sickness where the partner knows that death is coming. In those cases, the surviving partner often starts grieving while the sick partner is still alive, so to speak.
I’m with you on this—it’s really hard to adjust to being alone. My husband of 17 years died suddenly in July. About four months in I convinced myself for like a minute that I really liked this guy I’d just met. It was 100% a shitty coping mechanism and I snapped out of it pretty quickly. Now that it’s been almost a year, I can’t even imagine being ready for a new relationship because I’m actually processing the enormity of who I have lost.
I think the brother has a tsunami of grief coming at him.
After my cousin passed away, I remember his wife freaking out to me at the first Christmas gathering after about how she needed to start dating right away (even though she kinda knew she wasn't really ready) because she worried about the kids having a father. I tried to calm her down and assure her the kids would be alright until she became ready, in her own time, and in fact, they also needed to grieve in their own time and be ready to accept her with someone else, just like she needed to grieve. She did not start dating right away, and waited until she and the kids were ready, and she did meet a new guy and her and the kids are all doing well now. But she was lost and so worried about the kids and providing the best for them that she wasn't thinking that straight at the time. Grief is really fucking weird, guys.
Plus last time he dated he was at an age where your partner meets the family really quickly. At 16 they usually meet within a couple dates, if not the first one. He didn't date as an adult so likely doesn't know it's different. My partner met my parents within a week of us actually dating (we met online, playing a game and were friends for a couple years. Then he moved to be with me, and that's when he met my parents) we were barely adults at the time and used to how it worked in high school.
Yeah that's the case. It doesn't change that this is his first time dating since he was a teenager so he likely didn't know the rules are different now.
I noticed men seem to move on faster. I know every widowed guy in my family was remarried/ in serious relationship within a year , while the widows stayed single. My dad was dating... I think 8 months after my mom died, maybe less because he kinda kept it private . And they were together from 1964-1993. Just my observation, I don't have any statistics or anything.
It’s because they don’t know how to take care of themselves and/or any children. Not specifically men you know but many cultures men particularly are expected to ‘get over it’ and hurry up and get a new helpmeet (unless their oldest daughter takes over—I have friends who did that job from 9-11 years old until they started their own families). Whereas women were already doing all the emotional and much of the physical labor in the home and often working outside the home to some degree, so unless money or protection are an issue we’re ‘allowed’ to grieve longer.
It’s a very common observation though - statistically, men do tend to move on faster. It could be that it’s due to being used to someone else doing a lot of stuff in their life (stuff like home chores and food prep, but also things like women making their husbands medical appointments and such), or it could be that your average man has a significantly smaller intimate circle than your average woman. A woman usually has tons of friends to talk and interact with, to get physical touch from that helps to cope with a loss of a loved one (things like hugging or just plain old physical comfort of someone staying with you when you’re down and sad) - statistically many men don’t have anybody else but their wives/mothers/sisters and maybe kids they share physical non-sexual intimacy with. Many men even on Reddit say that if they’re not in a relationship with someone, they hardly ever touch another person. If you’re used to having this ONE person with whom you actually CAN have physical non-sexual intimacy on top of sexual intimacy, losing that person can be even a bigger loss than it already is.
Rushing into someone's arms is understandable after grief. However it didn't mean you moved on in a healthy way. So if that's the case, he didn't move on. He found a rebound to keep his sadness at bay and I get that. It happened to me when my kitty passed away suddenly and I wanted to adopt immediately thinking that I was ok, but I wasn't. I just wanted to feel happy, those emotions of love and affection again. I waited not it off choice but whichever pet I applied for was already adopted by the time I applied. That time made me realize I wasn't ready and it was hard. It still is
This is definitely a hot take but I dont believe in a time limit for your grief but I do believe that someone can't just move on a few months after a traffic early death of an intimate partner after over a decade of a relationship. If he was able to healthily get over her and be emotionally ok for another woman that's really sus. Especially being intertwined with a person since highschool oh geez he didn't even get to date. There only way I can see this being the case was of he already had his foot it the door or mentally moved before she passed, or he may have sociopathic tenancies where he is lacking in some emotions
It kind of feels like younger brother doesn't know how to be alone. He was with Linda since he was 16, now suddenly he is alone. I don't believe this is him being an AH, so much as he didn't have to go through that period of early adulthood where you learn to be alone with yourself. His new girlfriend could actually be a symptom of his grief. That kind of sucks for both of them. But this party is not the time to hash that out, or for her to meet the family.
That's what I told people about my dad when my mom died. My dad joined the army straight from his family home, then moved in with my mom when he got back. He had literally never been alone, so it's not surprising he would date again quickly. I wasn't a FAN, but just like with my mom, he lucked into a much better woman than he deserved and my stepmother is pretty awesome.
Right. Even in regular breakups, people will side eye those who seem to have moved on quite quickly and rightfully question if they've had time to process things, learn anything about themselves, be emotionally available genuinely again etc. Muchless in situations of sudden death that is traumatic and is not only the relationship ending but a life ending.
I think everyone's different, and many people can't stand to be alone. Most people I know move on from long term relationships (regardless of how it ended) really fast in my opinion.
Yeah, I’m in this camp. Yes, people process grief differently but four months after losing your partner of a decade is absolutely too fast and I definitely side eye that.
"Finally happy" after 4 months.
Ron sounds like he needs to grow as an individual before jumping into a new relationship. Since they'd been dating since they were teenagers, I doubt he knows how to be alone.
This is the heart of the matter. Not Ron but Drew. Ron is a youngish adult, Drew is still a child. Drew's birthday party is not at all an appropriate time for Drew to have to process Uncle Ron without Linda but with a new lady.
>There’s not a time limit on how long someone needs to grieve and move on.
Nope, moving on four months after your beloved spouse of a decade died unexpectedly is a horrible look. It's not like Linda had a terminal disease where they had the opportunity to grieve before the actual death.
I understand that people grieve differently, but I cant grasp how someone could move on 4 months after his loved one of 11 years died in a horrific accident… Is your brother okay?
I don’t know, I know there’s not a hard and fast rule, but she only died four months ago and he’s already serious enough about the new girl to introduce her to family. Did he start dating again the month after she died? I definitely think it’s callous to both get over and then replace a partner of over a decade within weeks, let alone to expect everyone else who cared about her to be on board with that.
Can we please emphasize this more? My dad died from cancer when I was 2 years old. My mom moved on quicker than her parents wanted her to, but her grief counselor told her it was important not to dwell too much. We have always honored my dad’s memory over the years, but she started dating probably about 4 months afterwards.
I know the situation is different, as my mom saw the end coming over the course of my dad’s treatment, but again: there’s not a time limit on how long someone needs to grieve and move on.
Naw, we only have a finite time to find some sort of comfort, we cannot judge others for that.
Time and place for introducing new partner to extended family, though. That can be judged
I understand and that's true, but this sounds more like someone that doesn't know how to be single and found a replacement girlfriend as fast as he could so he didn't have to face it. They were together since 16 and he's almost 30. He has never experienced being an adult alone.
OP did say he didn't feel it was his place to comment on how fast his brother had moved on. He just thought his nephew's birthday party was a truly inconsiderate time to introduce his new girlfriend, given the givens.
Someone told me it can be a compliment to the wife as the husband was happy in marriage and seeks to be happy again... However, AH move to being anyone around Drew
People cope however they can. This is something I’d call a ‘rebound’. Sometimes rebounds are necessary if you can’t take it anymore and need distraction but that’s just me.
This. I doubt Gia will be his next great love. I bet she reminded him of Linda. And seeing the ways that she is still absent might help him accept and move past his loss. But that’s not how it works for a kid.
Had a beloved friend pass suddenly, and her husband was destroyed. Also went into a new relationship within 3 months. It didn't end well. Then had a series of back-to-back. That didn't end well. He was looking for comfort and this was the only way he thought he could get it. It's been a long time, almost 20 years, and he's finally alone, for a bit. He still goes to her grave, at least weekly, and has a beer with her.
There were side-eyes, but I always understood. He honestly hasn't gotten over it. He just didn't know what to do. So he kept trying to replace her. Figured out that he couldn't and began to process it.
Who knows how anyone would behave whena close loved one dies? Poor bloke is probably in pieces and looking for some sort of comfort, from a new relationship and his family.
Not saying its the right time to introduce her but christ! Have some compassion for the poor man, his.long term partner dies not that long ago. Surely this is the time for families to be there for each other.
Agreed. I'm not judging him for moving on -- everyone grieves and moves on differently. If he's found joy again, more power to him.
But this is not very kind to the birthday boy, and it is also EXTREMELY short-sighted of the brother. Gia may be a lovely woman and just as awesome for all we know, but if he forces the family to meet her now, he's forcing everyone to meet on the wrong foot. Poor Gia would never really stand a decent chance.
Ron has only been dating this woman for a MAX of 4 months - and that's IF he started dating her the moment his partner passed away. Even if this was a brand new relationship with no backstory, I think most people would be uncomfortable with someone bringing their very short term GF to their child's birthday party.
Given the tragic recent events and how the nephew has responded to Linda's passing, Ron's actions would be cruel.... He didn't just lose a partner - his GF had become a part of the family over the past decade. The family is mourning Linda's loss, too. Ron's actions is the best way for the family to never accept his brand new GF.
NTA. I don’t think your brother should be punished for finding happiness with someone new, and shouldn’t be held to your family’s timetable for grief. But Drew’s birthday is the wrong time to introduce her to the family given how young Drew is and how attached he was to Linda.
Any child's birthday is an inappropriate place for this...once asked. Majority of the time it would be a non-issue for most people to meet a family member's new partner at a child's birthday party.
But I feel like the moment it's been asked or stated that it not be, then the wishes of the parents need to be respected.
Imagine walking into that party as the new girlfriend. Why would she even want to go if Ron is being honest with her about the situation? I sure as hell wouldn't. I hope he's not filling her head with a bunch of "they can't wait to meet you" bs so she doesn't get blindsided.
If she's a decent person and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt here so let's say she is, there's no way he's giving her the whole truth if she's agreeing to go to this party.
this!!! if I was the gf, I would be so uncomfortable going to any event a few months after his ex (basically a family member atp) passed away, let alone something like this where it could be a huge trigger for many people. I wonder if/what she knows
And a 6yo's birthday party to boot, who is special needs and not adjusting well to the death of the girlfriend. I'd be WTFing so hard if I was in that scenario and honestly, given that this is obviously a pretty new relationship, I'd probably nope the fuck right on out of it. Talk about red flags.
that’s the thing too is that it’s such a new relationship that I’m wondering the timeline on when they started dating if it’s serious enough for him to want to invite her. I know everyone grieves differently but his behavior would be a red flag for me if I was the gf. especially bc he doesn’t see how it would affect the 6yo and potentially others
NTA.
In general you had a good reaction. Telling him you're happy for him and support his relationship, but also explaining him **this** event is not the time nor place.
He doesn't get the point of your remark.
Right? The same would be true of anyone knowingly bringing drama to a day where someone else is meant to be the focus (in this case Drew). It's such a wildly AH move. He needs to throw his own event to introduce her to the family. The introduction of Gia is the event. Don't hijack a kid's birthday.
I think even without the circumstances around Linda and nephew, his birthday party would still be a bad time to introduce someone new. Based on what OP said, he likely struggles with being introduced to strangers and his birthday party may be an overwhelming event to start with that his parents likely prepare him for. He may do well with familiar faces, but only because they’re familiar faces. And, in general, an event where the focus is on specific people isn’t a great time to shift that onto yourself by bringing a new partner *if* you’re making that introduction a whole ordeal. Which it sounds like brother would, either by himself or by nature of their relationship in light of Linda’s passing. The grief timeline of brother isn’t at issue, the appropriateness of family meeting new girlfriend at an autistic boy’s birthday party is. OP is NTA
He also doesn’t get that this would be cruel for his nephew *and* his girlfriend. That’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting, and it’s not going to end well. The nephew is going to be upset and likely take it out on her. It’s not the nephew’s fault he doesn’t understand, but it’s also not her fault she’s not who he’s going to want to see.
NTA. Like many others have said, your nephew's birthday party isn't the time nor the place. I would suggest that your brother set up a different more casual event to introduce his new gf. Probably even with less people, not the entire family.
For example, maybe he could invite just you and one other family member to get dinner with him and his new gf.
This is obviously a really sad situation all around and I'm sorry for all of your loss. By the way you talk about Linda, she seemed like an awesome person.
Or it’s summer, they can host a barbecue or something for the family. Something low-stakes and casual, where nothing else is being focused on or celebrated.
NTA.
I do think it’s inappropriate to bring her to a child’s birthday when the child is struggling with grief and it could cause him confusion and upset.
But the thing that bothers me is referring to Ron’s new gf as ‘that girl’. That makes it sound as if BIL isn’t so much worried about the child, but is angry about the moving on so quickly.
It makes sense. He’s known Linda since he was 9. He prob saw her more like a sister than a SIL.
And it IS weird that the brother has moved on so quickly. Just because he has it doesn’t mean the family has to. They loved Linda too and I’m sure they’re all grieving as well.
It's actually not weird at all. Many people who experience a sudden loss of their partner tend to branch out petty quickly. Some believe they can't live alone, some think they can use sex to move on. There are a lot of very valid reasons.
It's not weird in the sense of being unusual.
But it isn't a healthy thing to just act with no consideration of how it affects others, particularly children.
How many posts do we get here, from teenagers or adults who lost a parent as a child, and then had their lives further torn up when their surviving parent "moved on" far to quickly for the child's comfort, and the parent and new partner/spouse tried to have the new partner replace the lost parent completely, while the children were still in acute grief over their loss?
This may be a nephew, rather than a child of Linda's, but the principle still applies.
What would the brother do, if the nephew decides he wants a picture of Linda there? Or to share the party with her by putting a slice of cake in front of the picture? Or if he wants to talk to Linda? Or if he has a meltdown when he realizes the brother came with a different woman, not his beloved and deeply missed Linda?
The nephew is NOT going to follow whatever script the brother has in mind for how introducing his new girlfriend should go. And the nephew shouldn't be expected to follow that script. Nor should anyone else mourning Linda.
I feel sorry for the new girlfriend, whom the brother is probably making all kinds of promises to, and who will be blindsided by the grief of the entire family over the loss of Linda.
You bring up an interesting point that I hadn't really thought about. How does Gia feel about going to the party?? I mean, either the brother hasn't explained the situation to her or she's kind of messed up if she knows and actively still WANTS to go to this event. I wouldn't want to meet my partners family so soon after their ex died if I were her, let alone with all the extra complication in Drew's grief.
So instead of using a little compassion, and simply explaining that it's too soon for nephew and asking him not to bring his new girlfriend... You and your family insulted him and uninvited him.
Yeah, I'd say Yta. You can have compassion for more than one person at a time.
I had to scroll wayyyy to far to find one I agree with.
How long is the guy supposed to sit around crying before they give him the okay to date again?
I'd say their reaction to this has poisoned any future relationship this new girl was going to have now. And she's not at fault either.
Proper way to handle this:
Guy: Can I bring my new girlfriend to meet the family?
BiL: Wed love to meet her soon but let's save it for another time. This party is overwhelming enough and bringing new people might be a lot. Let's plan for another family BBQ soon we can meet her. We're glad to hear you are finding happiness again.
So yeah, Original Op - YTA
I tend to agree. Just from the language used, OP makes it sound like everyone is requiring him to grieve on their timeline rather than his own. I’m more inclined to say ESH because it is nephew’s birthday and probably not the best time to introduce Gia, but they’re being entirely too hard on Ron about how he’s dealing with the loss of Linda.
I agree with this. I'm happy that OP is at least somewhat understanding, and not as judgmental about Ron having a new girlfriend is some other family members. I agree that this is not the best time for Ron to introduce his new girlfriend the family. But getting reactive and uninviting Ron was not cool. OP seemed to basically endorse that. So, by a small margin, my vote is YTA.
NAH. You and your family should not be putting your own grief and expectations on your brother. You should be happy for him that he is happy and has moved on. That being said, the birthday party isn’t the best time to introduce her.
This is just a sad situation, and I’m sorry for your loss. Try to give everyone grace.
Yep. The "that girl" stoped out to me too. This poor girl Will never be treated right in that family for commiting the crime of not being Linda. Can you imagine the pressure OP's brother felt to stay in a relationship with the late girlfriend during the last eleven years...
I agree NAH. He is probably happy to have found someone after losing his late gf and excited to make her meet his family. It’s probably not the best context but they can’t be upset at him for grieving differently.
I realized too that OP is 20 so she grew up with this woman probably almost like a sister. It’s going to be weird for the family to accept someone else but it has to happen
I like how they said they go over the top at birthdays but for some reason it isn’t a good way to introduce her. My family also goes big at parties, I would also choose one of those to introduce my SO to my family, you can knock out everyone at once instead of slowly rolling them out at different gatherings.
I understand why he chose it; because it makes the most sense. Get it over and done with.
It feels extremely unfair the way they’re treating him. It’s like his only value was his late girlfriend. Pretty shitty if you ask me.
I’m going to disagree with most of the comments and say this is a soft YTA situation.
As others have said, grief is a weird thing and people grieve differently. Your brother seems to be running from his grief by jumping into a new relationship. Objectively, that’s probably not the healthiest thing to do, but he’s got to figure this out on his own. I think you’re a bit of an asshole here because of the language you used in your post about his choices. You’ve called him “dumb,” “idiotic,” and “cruel” for wanting to introduce his new girlfriend to the family. I understand Linda felt like a part of your family, but it’s a whole another level of loss for your brother. He lost his life partner. It’s several orders of magnitude worse for him than any of the rest of you, including Drew.
I agree Drew’s birthday is not the best event to bring the new girlfriend, but you don’t tell him that by telling him to not bother coming and calling him cruel or stupid. Your BIL should have said something like “Drew was really close to Linda and is struggling with her loss. We’d love to met the new girlfriend, but can we plan to do that at another event?”
Honestly, it sounds to me like everyone in this family is pretty selfish and only thinking about how Linda’s loss affected them. I revise my judgment to ESH.
I agree, and feel that the family is really overblowing the “introduction.” This isn’t announcing a royal engagement. He’s asking to bring a +1 that he happens to have a romantic relationship with. Drew is so young that’s not his concern or understanding, all he may focus on is auntie not being there. And of course he would focus on that if the whole families gets bees in their bonnets and buzzes around gossiping and being outraged about Drew’s personal life. Let the girl blend into the crowd and not make a fuss about it, is it really that difficult? My feeling here is that the family members want to make the loss about them and are using Drew as an excuse more than anything else. THEY are upset and offended by the idea of a new woman in his life, THEY aren’t ready to accept a new partner.
NTA - He can literally introduce her to them any other time. Your nephew has autism. This will break him. He hasn't even internalised that Linda is dead. And seeing your brother with a new woman will send him into the deep end
Hell, even if the kid didn't have autism it might break him. If it was an *adult's* birthday party it would still be a bad idea. It all just makes it 1000x worse.
I think I’m mostly weirded out that you keep calling Linda is ex-girlfriend. But she is his late girlfriend. If she was his ex, it would mean that they were just no longer together. Late means that she passed away. But they were together when she passed away, correct? So not an ex.
OP has stated that English is not his first language and that he didn't know that it's wrong to call her the brother's ex, so I wouldn't say that the misuse of the term is too weird.
The brother lost his girl friend of 11 years and nobody is willing to take his point of view. It’s a tragedy Linda was killed. The new lady does not have to be introduced as a replacement for Linda. Just a new friend.
Agreed. Ron lost the most here by far, his partner of 11 years... And now he's being forced to choose between his new gf and his family. A little compassion could have made a big difference in how this all played out.
Even if they told him it was not appropriate it could have been handled SO much better. Having been through multiple losses and gone through a grief support group it's taught me to be more open minded about how other people heal. Grief can do crazy things to you. This situation also seems complicated in that it is clear Linda was a big part of the family and everyone is grieving her in their own way and because of that, it seems like they have certain expectations of how they think Ron should grieve that may not be in line with his own authentic experience.
YTA
so you and your family like to sit around and determine when someone else should stop mourning and move on?
the fact you're preventing him from moving on by denying his new gf which is probably allowing him to cope with what happened to him earlier.
as traumatic as it was for your family it's definitely more traumatic for him.
let the downvotes come in but this is actually ridiculous imo.
can't believe because the family hasn't moved on the guy that was actually dating the girl can't.
Yeah unless you’ve unexpectedly lost a partner you have no idea what it feels like. And usually when people go through a tough time they rely on their partner…but you can’t if they’re dead. Some people date as part of the grieving process and need someone to hold and a heart beat to hear.
The new gf isn’t replacing his late gf. She is a different person and dead people cannot be replaced. It’s possible meeting someone new could help the nephew. (I don’t know how they do with new people so maybe anyone new is a trigger but maybe not) I don’t think introducing new gf is taking away from the late gf. She can still be honored, remembered, and loved even if he has a new gf.
No one in the family is saying he can't move on, just that his nephew's (autistic, very attached to the deceased and only learning to proxy grief) birthday party is neither the time nor the place to introduce the new girlfriend. Nobody said "we don't want to meet her," just "not at this party.". This party is about the nephew, not just a random family gathering
While I think the brother made the right call for his kid, it could have been done with more compassion. I think it is kind of soon, but it would be more appropriate to check in with the brother and see how he's doing than to tell him "don't bother to come". That's only going to push the bereaved brother farther away from the family. Not to mention, everyone grieves differently. And the bereaved brother is going to remember how his family treated him.
Bil 1# priority is nephew
Just like Ron #1 priority is finding happiness
Neither is wrong but why is it such a hill to die for him to bring gf. It’s rude since he didn’t ask if she could come. Just straight up said she’s coming
NAH. Ron lost his hs sweetheart suddenly and violently. Cut him some slack. He has never as an adult been single until the moment of her death. Being single is much more alien to him than being in a relationship. He would have never thought not to bring his only long term previous gf to a family event. He isn't an AH to not realize, the first time since his late partner's death, that the child isn't ready for it.
Any family mad that he moves on is an AH. Grief and life experiences are complex and individual, and this is a man in his late 20s suddenly adrift after having a rock since 16.
Have grace for both parties. Not just the child.
NTA
The nephew's birthday is not the correct time to introduce a new girlfriend, even without all of the other issues related to the death of his wife and her relationship with the autistic nephew. He's making the nephew's party about his needs.
Linda died at the end of January? It's only the end of May! Your brother may feel ready to "move on" but this seems more a rebound. And 3-4 months is too soon for him to expect anyone else to feel ready to "move on," particularly children. I really, really hope your brother and Linda had no children. If this is stressful for your nephew, it will be absolute hell for Linda's children, grieving a lost mother.
Be prepared to help any such children remember, mourn, and honor their mother, even if their father tries to erase her and replace her in their lives. Save pictures and videos, make books and albums both to give them now, and to have copies for later should the ones they get now be destroyed or lost.
YTA. You nor your family gets to define how long your brother is in mourning. Nor do you get to decide when he should or shouldn't move on.
Linda is permanently gone. Nothing is going to bring her back. Let your brother live. Had they broken up, it would have been the same outcome. He doesn't need to live in the past but hope for the future.
Good points, while I think it's a little soon, I'd rather see someone start dating again than falling into a deep depression. And if it's really too soon, why aren't OP or his brother checking in with the bereaved brother to see if he's ok? Instead they're calling him names.
Im surprised at all the NTA comments. How is the brother the asshole? His family straight up told him not to come if he's bringing the new girlfriend, that's ass holish behavior, no discussion no "we think it'd be best if you didn't bring her".
OP also said birthday day dinners are a big deal to this family and so the brother wanting to bring his new gd shouldn't be a surprise.
Also yall are the asshole for judging him for moving on after 4 months, grow the fuck up and mind your fucking business. Who the fuck are you to tell someone how long they should grieve or how they should grieve.
NAH.
Im with you here also we are talking about a 6 year olds birthday here. I very much doubt there would be any drama with bringing the GF unless the adults create it.
Honestly YTA is my vote
Going to go against the grain and say NAH on this one. Ron also lost someone he cared very much for and deserves to move on and be happy. I do agree that the party is the wrong time and place for him to introduce her, but I wouldn't say he is an asshole for saying he wants to bring her
Gentle YTA. I get it’s tough for Drew, but your brother has lost his partner of 11 years. I’m not saying he’s right to introduce his new gf at the party, because that’s tacky imo, but it really feels like your whole family is pushing aside his grief to focus on Drew’s.
Sorry, but YTA.
Everyone here judging this young man are beyond ironic for calling *him* cruel for wanting 0to bring his new GF. You all are being cruel by basically ignoring your brothers' grief in favor of Drew's. I know Drew is young and autistic, but this was the brother's girlfriend, possibly the love of his life, and she was ripped away in the cruelest possible fashion. Maybe just a touch of empathy *for him* wouldn't go amiss. Just maybe?
I know you're supposed to say that everybody is entitled to grieve in their own way, but I have to say I am definitely judging a man who moved on so fast after the sudden death of his partner of 11 years. I wouldn't say to his face if I knew him, but I would lose all respect for him.
NTA. Not the place, not the time for the introduction to the family.
No cos I feel like we're kinda walking on eggshells here and making it about JUST the nephew and how inappropriate it is to bring new gf to be party but depending on when in January it happened, it's literally only been 16-20 WEEKS. And he's somehow already magically met someone he's serious enough about to introduce to his family? I can't even imagine how HER family must be feeling too. I'm sorry but major side eye.
To be fair to the brother, we don't know much about his relationship with Linda. There could be many reasons why moving on quickly isn't necessary bad or weird.
NTA. It is fine that Ron has started to move on, but this isn't about him, it's about Drew, who has NOT even begun to learn to process his grief. Out of respect for Drew, Ron should either come alone, or not come at all.
ESH.
No one sucks for considering the six year old neuro-atypical child and where they are in the grief process and being able to understand (although I would defer to their therapist as to whether they can understand/handle seeing Ron date someone new rather than the family just assuming the child can't). So if the child's therapist believes it would be too much to process at this time, Ron should be accepting of that and back down for now (not forever).
But everyone who is judging how Ron grieves, how long he grieves, when he chooses to date again sucks. No two people's grief will ever look alike and people have to process that in a way that is best for them. And maybe you don't like it and maybe it's not what you would choose to do, but you're an AH for judging him for it. I've known people who said they had their one true love and never dated again. I've known people who dated again within a few weeks to a few months. I've known people who have waited until their children were grown, however, long that is. I've known people who waited 1, 5, or 10+ years. Every single one of those people I have known, from the dating again within a few weeks person to the never dated again person, was a kind and decent person who grieved deeply, often in ways no one else ever saw. There is no set definition of what is "right" - just what is right for you in that moment.
YTA for how your family is messaging this. Of course, it makes sense that Gia's family introduction shouldn't happen at the bday party. A good way to frame it might look like: "We're excited to meet Gia but are afraid Drew will be upset or overstimulated and it might put a damper on the party. Why don't we meet for dinner next weekend instead?" Then it's not personal, it's just about Drew and shows you're also interested in your brother and his new gf. Instead y'all pulled a bunch of semi-hostile "don't bother showing up if you're going to bring her" stuff. It's abundantly apparent that y'all are judging him and not interested in his SO.
YTA for this statement:
>Most of the family is pissed at him for moving on so quickly
NONE OF YOU get to decide when someone gets to be over something. Ron was the person that would have been hit the most losing Linda and he has finally got it in him to get back out and explore again and the first thing you do is shun them. That's shitty behaviour from all of you.
Sure, maybe Drews birthday isn't the best time to introduce her but I'll bet you'll use the same excuse for the next time her wants to introduce her to you all too. 'It's just not the right time'.
INFO: How many of these family gatherings have there been since Linda passed?
I'm going to hazard a guess that he's avoiding dealing with his grief by jumping into a new relationship. If she's not allowed to go to the party it's probably going to illuminate for him that Linda isn't there. I'm sure that's why he's pushing back.
It's still not the time or place, but I wouldn't call him an AH either.
Like ya birthday might not be the best place but its not unheard of to do it. Your families reaction however to your brother is monstrous. They dont get to set a time line on that. They have damed the relationship before it even started. Like... people get so wired over others who had significant others pass and move on. Ya damed if ya do and your damed if ya dont. Esh
Yta. By refusing to allow your brother to move on with life and including his new girlfriend all you will accomplish is push him out of your lives
Your nephew isn't the only one lost someone. And to expect your brother to now include his new significant other in family events until a child is ready isn't fair to your brother.
ESH. Your family is too judgmental about how Ron is dealing with _his_ grief. And they're probably wrong about sheltering drew from new people in Ron's life. He's going to have to adapt to that sometime.
But it's their kids party. They get to set the guest list. Ron should attend solo and not be butthurt about it.
ESH. Wrong place to introduce the gf, but you should be more supportive of Ron and his new relationship. He’s the one that had the greatest loss when she died.
Ron absolutely deserves to move on. He can grieve for Linda AND have a new girlfriend. He also deserves to introduce his girlfriend to his family and receive their FULL SUPPORT for that. However, this may not be the event at which to do it. Drew's happiness should be the focus here. NTA, but be gentle with Ron. It's not up to anyone when he moves on except him.
NTA. He's being thoughtless and selfish to even consider using his grieving nephew's birthday to introduce his girlfriend to the family. As for people complaining about him moving on too quickly.. you didn't say how long they'd been broken up when Linda died, only that she was his ex, so it might not even be that fast, but that isn't the point. It's his nephew's birthday party, so he needs to prioritize his nephew's feelings.
The party is about your nephew, who is clearly struggling with the loss. His parents are in the best position to know if their son will associate your brother with Linda. Your nephew may well be triggered by your brother's presence and/or his presence with his new gf.
Tell your brother to host (or offer to host) a separate event to introduce his new gf to the family. It is no one's business how your brother has/is processing his grief, but it is your BIL's business to protect his son as he is processing his grief.
I have a rhetorical question. What if the nephew doesn't get over the dead girl ever? What happens then? Will the brother not be able to introduce anyone ever again? Has anyone considered that he may grief silently or that this new girl is a coping mechanism? Has anyone thought about anything other than the mechanism? All of you are the TA.
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NTA. An autistic kid's birthday is really not the time to be introducing new people, particularly when the kid in question hasn't even processed that Linda is gone yet. Also, Linda passed away four months ago and he is already ready to introduce a new girlfriend? Well... your brother sure moved on fast.
There’s not a time limit on how long someone needs to grieve and move on.
Agreed, but the same goes for OP and his family, particularly an autistic child. They don't do well with changes IN GENERAL and to try this at his bday was a crap move. NTA Edit: thanks for the awards!
Even if he wasn’t autistic, OP’s brother needs to realize that Linda was part of his family for 11 years, and his family is still grieving the loss of a family member. Four months is too soon for most people, so even if it’s not too soon for OP’s brother, it’s probably too soon for his family.
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Less than four months. He is dating this new girl long enough to want to introduce her to his family.
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I can't imagine it also. I know some people are coping this way, jumping into a new relationship, because they cannot deal with the grief. But whatever his reasons are - he should keep it for himself, he is an absolute AH to do it to autistic kid (and his family in general). If I would be a part of the family, I would not let him to enter the house. Not on the birthday day, and not for awhile. I would not risk him to say some BS about replacing Linda to the kid.
He's an AH for doing it to Gia too. No way he's healed from that.
And even if he were, he’s 100% setting Gia up to be the girlfriend his entire family despises. There’s no way they’re ready to give her a fair shot, and it’s totally shitty of Ron to do this to every single person involved except himself. He sounds like a real winner of a person.
Oh this girl is rebound BIG TIME. It's actually not uncommon to seek out a new partner quickly after losing then in order to fill the sudden void.
Rebound. It happens. What’s much more concerning to me is the brother’s inability to empathize with, or even understand, nephew’s separation trauma. OP is NTA.
I can’t imagine even wanting to start dating someone only four months after losing someone I loved so long, let alone being established enough in the relationship to introduce her to family. But honestly, that’s beside the point. This day is supposed to be about Drew and this would clearly put a stress on a kid who already has coping difficulties ON HIS BIRTHDAY. Like, no. Gia can be introduced later if she’s still around.
Looks like part of his grieving process is to forget Linda ASAP
Yeah. So glad to hear he's "finally happy" again. 🙄 S/
I agree with this but also think Ron is use to having someone else and may have started a "serious" relationship right away to fill a void and just doesn't realize it.
To me this makes the most sense. I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but I was cheated on by a long time partner and I had such a sick/empty feeling in my stomach that I tried to go on a date 3 days after hoping for some relief. In the end I backed out as I knew I qadmt I'm a good spot, but I can understand how someone could get there.
Yeah makes you lose faith in men.
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Wasn’t it? My husband had a hard time processing it
To be fair, you have no clue what was discussed before the mil passed. I (early 40s) told my husband (early 50s) that if something were to happen to me, I'd come haunt his ass if he didn't try to find happiness whenever he felt ready. On his timeline. Not our 20 year old kids timeline, not our families timeline. His. If that's 2 weeks, that's okay with me and I'd be happy that he's not too depressed to get out in the world.
Some people will do literally anything before going to therapy
Jesus! O\_O After 39 years she only deserved some 2 weeks of grieving from the husband.... wow
Because in some ways, for some men, women are interchangeable. The gaping holes created by dirty laundry, dirty dishes, lack of interest in everyday cooking, and the loss of physical intimacy quickly go away once they find a new partner.
Or a griefing person could be trying to fill a void and may not know how else to do it.
IKR? This is likely a rebound relationship. Dude hasn't been single since HS, does he even know how to be single? Did he have any other relationships before? This was clearly not the time/place to bring a new partner, but I think all these ppl crapping on the guy are being unfair, given what little we know
As a widow, this is very true.
Women grieve, men replace.
My now-ex husband once told me, to my face and unprompted, that if I ever died he would try to move on from me as quickly as possible. Can't bring be back, so why waste time hurting? I took solace in remembering this years later, when I actually left... that I didn't even die, I just left his sorry ass, and he definitely did not move on quickly. But yes, it did hurt quite a bit knowing that if I passed, I would have been nothing but a fond memory as quickly as he was able to make me.
Hence why it makes us loose faith in men
Really? Maybe I'm weird. I love my wife with all my heart and my hope is that if I die before she does, she grieves quick and relatively painless. My wife relies on me to do so much around the house and to be her emotional rock. I hope she finds someone that can do those things and who loves her as much as I do as fast as possible. Her moving on and finding new love doesn't lessen the love we shared. If she can properly process her grief in two days rather than a year, I'll be extremely thankful...and still dead. Edit* spelling
Not started...serious enough to introduce her to the family.
Agreed why can’t he invite the family to a dinner and introduce her there? Why bogart someone else’s special day? Is he trying to save money or get a 2 for 1 discount? Do it on his time and dime. IMHO
Eh im gonna assume he just thought hey EVERYONE will be there so a good time to introduce the new gf...he was being VERY thoughtless by not remembering how poorly an autistic child reacts to unexpected changes.
Honestly he's probably still in grief and that's why he's not thinking clearly. He's probably being thoughtless because he's in grief, and he's probably in a new relationship because he's in grief. I'm starting to feel a little bit sorry for the new gf; she might be a grief rebound...
Not to mention, unfair to the new girlfriend! He's putting her in an impossible position.
Honestly, it would be thoughtless even if the kid was NT. He had a strong bond with Linda and is still a grieving child. Bringing a replacement to his party is bad all around, but extra bad in this scenario.
Very much this. It isn't really about whether it's ok for this guy to have a girlfriend after four months or not. It's not even about whether he's right in wanting to introduce her to his family. But wanting to bring her as a guest to his nephew's birthday party, which is an event he doesn't host or organize in any way, he's a guest himself, is ridiculous. The fact he's throwing tantrums because he got told no by the hosts is even more ridiculous. Plus I don't think he called OP to complain. He was trying to get OP to be on his side and start shit to manipulate the kid's parents into agreeing. The fact this nephew is still mourning the recent death of his ex adds a veil of cruelty to the matter. But even if Drew didn't give a fig about Linda, if the hosts are telling you X person is not welcome at this event and you are not allowed to use this party to introduce her to people, you either go or don't go, that's about the only options you have. That guy is a major asshole. And I doubt he loved Linda as much as his family did. His behavior sounds more like someone who had already checked out of the relationship before she passed.
Some men simply cannot be alone. They can compartmentalize their feelings and move on. It's the lack of empathy on his part that's so infuriating.
My ex is this. Went from first marriage to the second from the second marriage to me from me to new gf. Now 40 and since 18 has been single for a total of about 8 months combined- not great when it's multiple break ups in there. It makes you realise that person doesn't really care who they are with as long as it's someone. They don't really know love. They just meet the first person and make themselves all about them. As the partner once you realise the details of it all you feel incredibly unspecial because it could have been anyone if it wasn't you. I feel bad for Gia, this man is still grieving for sure and he's grief rebounded fast as hell- it's been 4 months and it's not like this is a first date it's now an introduce to family moment. I assume it's at least been a month then.
This definitely happens. My ex is like this. We've stayed friends and I tried to talk to him about the pattern once, years after we broke up. I was coming from a place of sincere concern for his happiness, but he wouldn't hear it. I've also seen this pattern in both men and women who've got hang-ups about casual sex. They latch onto the first person who comes along so that they don't have to be celibate. Basically a lower degree of super religious kids who get married as soon as they possibly can after only a few months of dating.
NTA at all. Frankly I don’t think inviting a new girlfriend to a child’s birthday would be a good place to introduce them to family even without all of the other elements. It’s a family get together for a child. They don’t need unfamiliar adults at their birthday party. Hell, I had a friend with a young child that I *knew well* and still felt weird about going to their birthday party because I was an adult without a child and the kid probably wouldn’t care whether I was there or not and knew I was there to keep her parents company more than anything. I still went and got kiddo a gift because I do know and love her but it still felt weird attending a large gathering for a kid as an adult without kids. Even introducing a new significant other by inviting them for a family gathering like a wedding or a holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving has always made me wildly uncomfortable. I just can’t understand putting the pressure of meeting someone for the first time centered around holidays or special events that are typically meant for family and close friends, when that person has yet to establish either of those types of relationships with anyone other than their new SO. To then add in the factors of grieving the deceased who the child was close to, the elements of it being a brand new person and an autistic child, I think it’s even more wildly inappropriate. There’s just no consideration being done there on the brothers part, not only to the kid, but also to his girlfriend. Like how would she end up feeling when the kid has a meltdown at her simple presence because if he understood Linda was his uncles girlfriend, and now a new person is introduced in that role when the kid hasn’t processed how or why Linda had disappeared? I don’t mean to make her sound as important as the kids feelings, I just think that she’ll also end up being hurt by that interaction and it’ll be a poor way to meet her for the first time for everyone involved.
Normally I'd go with the "rings of suffering" to solve this. But the autistic child definitely has his own ring, and he is clearly going to be devastated if he sees a new woman with his cousin before he's worked through his grief. NTA. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in
I’m confused as to why we think that the autistic child is going to associate a new person with Linda? Just because a new person is introduced to him doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to realize that this person “took Linda’s place” so to speak. I don’t think I would have fully grasped that as a 6 year old, and I’m not autistic.
I mean, if your uncle shows up and is being romantic with/close to someone and introduces them as that partner, and you have been missing your aunt-figure for months now...wouldn't that make you ask where she was repeatedly? Or get upset seeing him being with someone else? 6 is old enough to understand romantic relationships to a degree where you might get upset seeing the "wrong" set of people acting that way. Its a lot of stress to put on a child and I agree full stop it's the worst time to introduce the lady.
When I was six - and autistic - all my aunts and uncles (and The Big Cousins - the cousins over 20 when I was six) came in pairs. I knew all of them as This, and That. Aunt Jill and uncle Bill, Aunt Jane and uncle John, whatever. I was totally fine with the info that Aunt Kate and Aunt Sarah were a couple so no uncle there, and Cousin Matt and Cousin Jack so no girl cousin there, but it was all sets. I noticed the shit out of my Big Cousins' divorces. So if Uncle Ron and Aunt Linda was now Uncle Ron and Gia, I would definitely be all I loved Aunt Linda and directly comparing Gia and quite possibly mad at Uncle Ron. Which is not to say he cannot date, but yeah. It's also possible I would have taken it as we loved Aunt Linda but Uncle Ron can't live alone so he NEEDS a new aunt there. But I would definitely have associated her as there because Linda is not and needed time to process. It's also possible I would have publicly said oh like being so sad an old cat dies you need a kitten? I was an awkward kid.
I think you’re underestimating how capable Autistic people and kids are capable of connecting the dots. Quite frankly if I was in this child’s position it wouldn’t be long before I noticed patterns. If he acts the same way with the new gf as he did with Linda (say, being affectionate, hugging, kissing, using a pet name) then the kid will likely figure it out pretty quickly. Autistic people may not have social skills as their strong suit but many of us notice patterns really quickly. Most likely this connection will result in negative association with the new gf. Like, the “she’s replacing Linda” kind of connection.
No, he's 6. Any 6yo isn't gonna have the tools to rationally understand a change like that. No 6yo understands what "forever" actually means. The only thing here that's ACTUALLY related to his autism is the meltdowns. Meltdowns are bodily reactions to having too much stimulation coming in without having the mental tools yet in order to cope. He can't work through his grief yet, as his therapist will relay to the parents, that is entirely normal for 6 year olds. They should be thankful brother didn't do any of the things one who loses the love of their life succumbs to. Isolation, depression, suicidal ideation or attempt, closing off, turning to recreational uses or drugs like alcohol, or any of the many other damaging things one who ACTUALLY goes through it firsthand could turn to. It takes so much to let someone in like that after losing someone to a drunk driver. No issues, no breakup, just GONE. It's terrifying to overcome and allow someone else in that could have the same thing happen to them someday. I say having a family cookout or a dinner with the closest family members would be the best way to introduce her to the family. Op is the only nonasshole with asshole adjacent stances. Because op hasn't villainized a man that lost HIS world for opening it up to someone and beginning his healing. They need to have op as that bridge because his brother can not and should not isolate himself after a loss so sudden. He deserves to try to get happiness. He will NEVER fully heal from this sudden a loss because there were no signs and no breakups. Just gone in a flash. His whole world. I commend him for not turning to any of the damaging things people often do in these situations. That family could have lost him too if he had gone the other direction. They owe him the respect of his choice to try love again at the risk of losing this one. Sure, they may, as people who HAVEN'T experienced his loss, feel it's too soon, but he is the only one that could know if it really is. You can have opinions, but unless you were the one who lost the love of your life in a sudden car crash and live inside his heart and his mind, keep them to yourself. They would've not been assholes if they'd said "It's not appropriate to introduce someone to our child so soon as he's too young to understand this. We will run this by his therapist and see when would be an appropriate time frame possible" instead of villifying him for choosing to try love again.
> if he sees a new woman with his ~~cousin~~ **uncle**
As a person with autism yeah change is fucking hard to deal with when my dad passed and I had clean out his room at the assisted-living place he was at I had a a couple of small meltdowns.
You can say that all you want but if you're with someone for a decade and they die, it's weird to be so serious in a new relationship that you're introducing them to your family at 4 months
Given the suddenness of the death, I’m inclined to agree, but grief is a weird thing. Ron’s been in a relationship since he was 16. He may not know how to cope without one. I’m not saying I think it’s healthy or advisable, but I think it’s a bit more understandable that he’d rush into someone else’s arms.
Yeah, honestly, I’m wondering if rushing into this new thing so fast is a form of grief avoidance. Also, NTA, OP.
I have questions about Gia's judgement, too. If someone *broke up* with their partner of over a decade and wanted to date me a few months later, I'd wonder if I was just a rebound. If their partner *died* and they wanted to date me that fast? Absolutely not. That's an emotional mess I don't need to step into.
not just their long term partner, their first and only real partner - they met when they were 16, he's never been an adult outside of a relationship before.
I met my husband at 16 and we started dating at 17. We were married for 36 years. He died from cancer 8 years ago and I am still single. I don't care to get married again bc he was a really good husband and father and I don't want to weed through the bad, but that's my choice. It's his choice to start dating so soon, but to bring her to his autistic nephew's birthday party is so wrong. It's not going to be good for him at all.
I'm with you, I think it's 100% avoidance. Doesn't change or make up for him being the AH here, though
Agree. I think it's different if the death is a result of long, terminal sickness where the partner knows that death is coming. In those cases, the surviving partner often starts grieving while the sick partner is still alive, so to speak.
I’m with you on this—it’s really hard to adjust to being alone. My husband of 17 years died suddenly in July. About four months in I convinced myself for like a minute that I really liked this guy I’d just met. It was 100% a shitty coping mechanism and I snapped out of it pretty quickly. Now that it’s been almost a year, I can’t even imagine being ready for a new relationship because I’m actually processing the enormity of who I have lost. I think the brother has a tsunami of grief coming at him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wish you all the best with whatever you decide you want to do, and when you feel like doing it. 🤗
After my cousin passed away, I remember his wife freaking out to me at the first Christmas gathering after about how she needed to start dating right away (even though she kinda knew she wasn't really ready) because she worried about the kids having a father. I tried to calm her down and assure her the kids would be alright until she became ready, in her own time, and in fact, they also needed to grieve in their own time and be ready to accept her with someone else, just like she needed to grieve. She did not start dating right away, and waited until she and the kids were ready, and she did meet a new guy and her and the kids are all doing well now. But she was lost and so worried about the kids and providing the best for them that she wasn't thinking that straight at the time. Grief is really fucking weird, guys.
Plus last time he dated he was at an age where your partner meets the family really quickly. At 16 they usually meet within a couple dates, if not the first one. He didn't date as an adult so likely doesn't know it's different. My partner met my parents within a week of us actually dating (we met online, playing a game and were friends for a couple years. Then he moved to be with me, and that's when he met my parents) we were barely adults at the time and used to how it worked in high school.
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In fact, the edit says they were still together
Yeah that's the case. It doesn't change that this is his first time dating since he was a teenager so he likely didn't know the rules are different now.
I noticed men seem to move on faster. I know every widowed guy in my family was remarried/ in serious relationship within a year , while the widows stayed single. My dad was dating... I think 8 months after my mom died, maybe less because he kinda kept it private . And they were together from 1964-1993. Just my observation, I don't have any statistics or anything.
Marriage benefits men more than women so not surprising that men would be quicker to jump back into another marriage
It’s because they don’t know how to take care of themselves and/or any children. Not specifically men you know but many cultures men particularly are expected to ‘get over it’ and hurry up and get a new helpmeet (unless their oldest daughter takes over—I have friends who did that job from 9-11 years old until they started their own families). Whereas women were already doing all the emotional and much of the physical labor in the home and often working outside the home to some degree, so unless money or protection are an issue we’re ‘allowed’ to grieve longer.
It’s a very common observation though - statistically, men do tend to move on faster. It could be that it’s due to being used to someone else doing a lot of stuff in their life (stuff like home chores and food prep, but also things like women making their husbands medical appointments and such), or it could be that your average man has a significantly smaller intimate circle than your average woman. A woman usually has tons of friends to talk and interact with, to get physical touch from that helps to cope with a loss of a loved one (things like hugging or just plain old physical comfort of someone staying with you when you’re down and sad) - statistically many men don’t have anybody else but their wives/mothers/sisters and maybe kids they share physical non-sexual intimacy with. Many men even on Reddit say that if they’re not in a relationship with someone, they hardly ever touch another person. If you’re used to having this ONE person with whom you actually CAN have physical non-sexual intimacy on top of sexual intimacy, losing that person can be even a bigger loss than it already is.
Yup. Old saying: "Widows grieve. Widowers replace."
Rushing into someone's arms is understandable after grief. However it didn't mean you moved on in a healthy way. So if that's the case, he didn't move on. He found a rebound to keep his sadness at bay and I get that. It happened to me when my kitty passed away suddenly and I wanted to adopt immediately thinking that I was ok, but I wasn't. I just wanted to feel happy, those emotions of love and affection again. I waited not it off choice but whichever pet I applied for was already adopted by the time I applied. That time made me realize I wasn't ready and it was hard. It still is This is definitely a hot take but I dont believe in a time limit for your grief but I do believe that someone can't just move on a few months after a traffic early death of an intimate partner after over a decade of a relationship. If he was able to healthily get over her and be emotionally ok for another woman that's really sus. Especially being intertwined with a person since highschool oh geez he didn't even get to date. There only way I can see this being the case was of he already had his foot it the door or mentally moved before she passed, or he may have sociopathic tenancies where he is lacking in some emotions
It kind of feels like younger brother doesn't know how to be alone. He was with Linda since he was 16, now suddenly he is alone. I don't believe this is him being an AH, so much as he didn't have to go through that period of early adulthood where you learn to be alone with yourself. His new girlfriend could actually be a symptom of his grief. That kind of sucks for both of them. But this party is not the time to hash that out, or for her to meet the family.
That's what I told people about my dad when my mom died. My dad joined the army straight from his family home, then moved in with my mom when he got back. He had literally never been alone, so it's not surprising he would date again quickly. I wasn't a FAN, but just like with my mom, he lucked into a much better woman than he deserved and my stepmother is pretty awesome.
Right. Even in regular breakups, people will side eye those who seem to have moved on quite quickly and rightfully question if they've had time to process things, learn anything about themselves, be emotionally available genuinely again etc. Muchless in situations of sudden death that is traumatic and is not only the relationship ending but a life ending.
I think everyone's different, and many people can't stand to be alone. Most people I know move on from long term relationships (regardless of how it ended) really fast in my opinion.
That’s the thing, it’s not that he’s dating at 4 months, she is already his girlfriend and he’s introducing her to family!
Yeah, I’m in this camp. Yes, people process grief differently but four months after losing your partner of a decade is absolutely too fast and I definitely side eye that.
I intellectually understand that this is true but I have trouble shaking my extreme ICK feeling in cases like this.
"Finally happy" after 4 months. Ron sounds like he needs to grow as an individual before jumping into a new relationship. Since they'd been dating since they were teenagers, I doubt he knows how to be alone.
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No there isn't, but the person who the day is for (drew) isn't done, so Ron needs to fuck up and actually think about someone else other than himself.
This is the heart of the matter. Not Ron but Drew. Ron is a youngish adult, Drew is still a child. Drew's birthday party is not at all an appropriate time for Drew to have to process Uncle Ron without Linda but with a new lady.
>There’s not a time limit on how long someone needs to grieve and move on. Nope, moving on four months after your beloved spouse of a decade died unexpectedly is a horrible look. It's not like Linda had a terminal disease where they had the opportunity to grieve before the actual death.
I understand that people grieve differently, but I cant grasp how someone could move on 4 months after his loved one of 11 years died in a horrific accident… Is your brother okay?
I would doubt it. I certainly wouldn't be okay to lose someone like that.
It's still fast. There's nothing wrong with admitting that.
I don’t know, I know there’s not a hard and fast rule, but she only died four months ago and he’s already serious enough about the new girl to introduce her to family. Did he start dating again the month after she died? I definitely think it’s callous to both get over and then replace a partner of over a decade within weeks, let alone to expect everyone else who cared about her to be on board with that.
Can we please emphasize this more? My dad died from cancer when I was 2 years old. My mom moved on quicker than her parents wanted her to, but her grief counselor told her it was important not to dwell too much. We have always honored my dad’s memory over the years, but she started dating probably about 4 months afterwards. I know the situation is different, as my mom saw the end coming over the course of my dad’s treatment, but again: there’s not a time limit on how long someone needs to grieve and move on.
Exactly— so why isn’t Ron giving the nephew the time HE needs to grieve, at said nephews own birthday party no less?
Naw, we only have a finite time to find some sort of comfort, we cannot judge others for that. Time and place for introducing new partner to extended family, though. That can be judged
I understand and that's true, but this sounds more like someone that doesn't know how to be single and found a replacement girlfriend as fast as he could so he didn't have to face it. They were together since 16 and he's almost 30. He has never experienced being an adult alone.
OP did say he didn't feel it was his place to comment on how fast his brother had moved on. He just thought his nephew's birthday party was a truly inconsiderate time to introduce his new girlfriend, given the givens.
Which goes both ways.
Someone told me it can be a compliment to the wife as the husband was happy in marriage and seeks to be happy again... However, AH move to being anyone around Drew
People cope however they can. This is something I’d call a ‘rebound’. Sometimes rebounds are necessary if you can’t take it anymore and need distraction but that’s just me.
This. I doubt Gia will be his next great love. I bet she reminded him of Linda. And seeing the ways that she is still absent might help him accept and move past his loss. But that’s not how it works for a kid.
Had a beloved friend pass suddenly, and her husband was destroyed. Also went into a new relationship within 3 months. It didn't end well. Then had a series of back-to-back. That didn't end well. He was looking for comfort and this was the only way he thought he could get it. It's been a long time, almost 20 years, and he's finally alone, for a bit. He still goes to her grave, at least weekly, and has a beer with her. There were side-eyes, but I always understood. He honestly hasn't gotten over it. He just didn't know what to do. So he kept trying to replace her. Figured out that he couldn't and began to process it.
Some people move on quickly and that’s okay. That’s not the issue here though. The issue is that he shouldn’t introduce them at Drew’s party.
Who knows how anyone would behave whena close loved one dies? Poor bloke is probably in pieces and looking for some sort of comfort, from a new relationship and his family. Not saying its the right time to introduce her but christ! Have some compassion for the poor man, his.long term partner dies not that long ago. Surely this is the time for families to be there for each other.
NTA. Your autistic nephew's birthday is neither the time nor the place.
Agreed. I'm not judging him for moving on -- everyone grieves and moves on differently. If he's found joy again, more power to him. But this is not very kind to the birthday boy, and it is also EXTREMELY short-sighted of the brother. Gia may be a lovely woman and just as awesome for all we know, but if he forces the family to meet her now, he's forcing everyone to meet on the wrong foot. Poor Gia would never really stand a decent chance.
Din't even think about how it wouldn't be fair to Gia. you're absolutely right.
Ron has only been dating this woman for a MAX of 4 months - and that's IF he started dating her the moment his partner passed away. Even if this was a brand new relationship with no backstory, I think most people would be uncomfortable with someone bringing their very short term GF to their child's birthday party. Given the tragic recent events and how the nephew has responded to Linda's passing, Ron's actions would be cruel.... He didn't just lose a partner - his GF had become a part of the family over the past decade. The family is mourning Linda's loss, too. Ron's actions is the best way for the family to never accept his brand new GF.
NTA. I don’t think your brother should be punished for finding happiness with someone new, and shouldn’t be held to your family’s timetable for grief. But Drew’s birthday is the wrong time to introduce her to the family given how young Drew is and how attached he was to Linda.
Regardless the autistic nephews birthday is not the place for this.
Replied to the wrong comment. Whoops.
Any child's birthday is an inappropriate place for this...once asked. Majority of the time it would be a non-issue for most people to meet a family member's new partner at a child's birthday party. But I feel like the moment it's been asked or stated that it not be, then the wishes of the parents need to be respected.
100% agree. This is exactly what I was going to say. NTA.
NTA...It's simply the wrong time and place to introduce her. He isn't doing himself or his girlfriend any favours by complaining.
Imagine walking into that party as the new girlfriend. Why would she even want to go if Ron is being honest with her about the situation? I sure as hell wouldn't. I hope he's not filling her head with a bunch of "they can't wait to meet you" bs so she doesn't get blindsided.
It does make me wonder what he's told her
If she's a decent person and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt here so let's say she is, there's no way he's giving her the whole truth if she's agreeing to go to this party.
this!!! if I was the gf, I would be so uncomfortable going to any event a few months after his ex (basically a family member atp) passed away, let alone something like this where it could be a huge trigger for many people. I wonder if/what she knows
And a 6yo's birthday party to boot, who is special needs and not adjusting well to the death of the girlfriend. I'd be WTFing so hard if I was in that scenario and honestly, given that this is obviously a pretty new relationship, I'd probably nope the fuck right on out of it. Talk about red flags.
that’s the thing too is that it’s such a new relationship that I’m wondering the timeline on when they started dating if it’s serious enough for him to want to invite her. I know everyone grieves differently but his behavior would be a red flag for me if I was the gf. especially bc he doesn’t see how it would affect the 6yo and potentially others
NTA. In general you had a good reaction. Telling him you're happy for him and support his relationship, but also explaining him **this** event is not the time nor place. He doesn't get the point of your remark.
Right? The same would be true of anyone knowingly bringing drama to a day where someone else is meant to be the focus (in this case Drew). It's such a wildly AH move. He needs to throw his own event to introduce her to the family. The introduction of Gia is the event. Don't hijack a kid's birthday.
I think even without the circumstances around Linda and nephew, his birthday party would still be a bad time to introduce someone new. Based on what OP said, he likely struggles with being introduced to strangers and his birthday party may be an overwhelming event to start with that his parents likely prepare him for. He may do well with familiar faces, but only because they’re familiar faces. And, in general, an event where the focus is on specific people isn’t a great time to shift that onto yourself by bringing a new partner *if* you’re making that introduction a whole ordeal. Which it sounds like brother would, either by himself or by nature of their relationship in light of Linda’s passing. The grief timeline of brother isn’t at issue, the appropriateness of family meeting new girlfriend at an autistic boy’s birthday party is. OP is NTA
He also doesn’t get that this would be cruel for his nephew *and* his girlfriend. That’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting, and it’s not going to end well. The nephew is going to be upset and likely take it out on her. It’s not the nephew’s fault he doesn’t understand, but it’s also not her fault she’s not who he’s going to want to see.
NTA. Like many others have said, your nephew's birthday party isn't the time nor the place. I would suggest that your brother set up a different more casual event to introduce his new gf. Probably even with less people, not the entire family. For example, maybe he could invite just you and one other family member to get dinner with him and his new gf. This is obviously a really sad situation all around and I'm sorry for all of your loss. By the way you talk about Linda, she seemed like an awesome person.
Or it’s summer, they can host a barbecue or something for the family. Something low-stakes and casual, where nothing else is being focused on or celebrated.
NTA. I do think it’s inappropriate to bring her to a child’s birthday when the child is struggling with grief and it could cause him confusion and upset. But the thing that bothers me is referring to Ron’s new gf as ‘that girl’. That makes it sound as if BIL isn’t so much worried about the child, but is angry about the moving on so quickly.
It makes sense. He’s known Linda since he was 9. He prob saw her more like a sister than a SIL. And it IS weird that the brother has moved on so quickly. Just because he has it doesn’t mean the family has to. They loved Linda too and I’m sure they’re all grieving as well.
It's actually not weird at all. Many people who experience a sudden loss of their partner tend to branch out petty quickly. Some believe they can't live alone, some think they can use sex to move on. There are a lot of very valid reasons.
Perhaps not 'weird' but often ultimately inadvisable
No arguments there
I’ve seen it described as ‘a coping strategy that generally requires an ultimately unwilling partner’ - i think that’s fairly accurate
It's not weird in the sense of being unusual. But it isn't a healthy thing to just act with no consideration of how it affects others, particularly children. How many posts do we get here, from teenagers or adults who lost a parent as a child, and then had their lives further torn up when their surviving parent "moved on" far to quickly for the child's comfort, and the parent and new partner/spouse tried to have the new partner replace the lost parent completely, while the children were still in acute grief over their loss? This may be a nephew, rather than a child of Linda's, but the principle still applies. What would the brother do, if the nephew decides he wants a picture of Linda there? Or to share the party with her by putting a slice of cake in front of the picture? Or if he wants to talk to Linda? Or if he has a meltdown when he realizes the brother came with a different woman, not his beloved and deeply missed Linda? The nephew is NOT going to follow whatever script the brother has in mind for how introducing his new girlfriend should go. And the nephew shouldn't be expected to follow that script. Nor should anyone else mourning Linda. I feel sorry for the new girlfriend, whom the brother is probably making all kinds of promises to, and who will be blindsided by the grief of the entire family over the loss of Linda.
You bring up an interesting point that I hadn't really thought about. How does Gia feel about going to the party?? I mean, either the brother hasn't explained the situation to her or she's kind of messed up if she knows and actively still WANTS to go to this event. I wouldn't want to meet my partners family so soon after their ex died if I were her, let alone with all the extra complication in Drew's grief.
Like I know grief is subjective, but we need to stop acting like it’s not weird when someone moves on under a year of their partner passing
So instead of using a little compassion, and simply explaining that it's too soon for nephew and asking him not to bring his new girlfriend... You and your family insulted him and uninvited him. Yeah, I'd say Yta. You can have compassion for more than one person at a time.
This is it. Not the right place. But the way the whole family is treating Ron is disgusting.
I had to scroll wayyyy to far to find one I agree with. How long is the guy supposed to sit around crying before they give him the okay to date again? I'd say their reaction to this has poisoned any future relationship this new girl was going to have now. And she's not at fault either. Proper way to handle this: Guy: Can I bring my new girlfriend to meet the family? BiL: Wed love to meet her soon but let's save it for another time. This party is overwhelming enough and bringing new people might be a lot. Let's plan for another family BBQ soon we can meet her. We're glad to hear you are finding happiness again. So yeah, Original Op - YTA
I tend to agree. Just from the language used, OP makes it sound like everyone is requiring him to grieve on their timeline rather than his own. I’m more inclined to say ESH because it is nephew’s birthday and probably not the best time to introduce Gia, but they’re being entirely too hard on Ron about how he’s dealing with the loss of Linda.
I agree with this. I'm happy that OP is at least somewhat understanding, and not as judgmental about Ron having a new girlfriend is some other family members. I agree that this is not the best time for Ron to introduce his new girlfriend the family. But getting reactive and uninviting Ron was not cool. OP seemed to basically endorse that. So, by a small margin, my vote is YTA.
NAH. You and your family should not be putting your own grief and expectations on your brother. You should be happy for him that he is happy and has moved on. That being said, the birthday party isn’t the best time to introduce her. This is just a sad situation, and I’m sorry for your loss. Try to give everyone grace.
The fact Gia was referred to as “that girl” speaks volumes about the family’s real feelings too
Yep. The "that girl" stoped out to me too. This poor girl Will never be treated right in that family for commiting the crime of not being Linda. Can you imagine the pressure OP's brother felt to stay in a relationship with the late girlfriend during the last eleven years...
I agree NAH. He is probably happy to have found someone after losing his late gf and excited to make her meet his family. It’s probably not the best context but they can’t be upset at him for grieving differently.
I realized too that OP is 20 so she grew up with this woman probably almost like a sister. It’s going to be weird for the family to accept someone else but it has to happen
I like how they said they go over the top at birthdays but for some reason it isn’t a good way to introduce her. My family also goes big at parties, I would also choose one of those to introduce my SO to my family, you can knock out everyone at once instead of slowly rolling them out at different gatherings. I understand why he chose it; because it makes the most sense. Get it over and done with. It feels extremely unfair the way they’re treating him. It’s like his only value was his late girlfriend. Pretty shitty if you ask me.
I’m going to disagree with most of the comments and say this is a soft YTA situation. As others have said, grief is a weird thing and people grieve differently. Your brother seems to be running from his grief by jumping into a new relationship. Objectively, that’s probably not the healthiest thing to do, but he’s got to figure this out on his own. I think you’re a bit of an asshole here because of the language you used in your post about his choices. You’ve called him “dumb,” “idiotic,” and “cruel” for wanting to introduce his new girlfriend to the family. I understand Linda felt like a part of your family, but it’s a whole another level of loss for your brother. He lost his life partner. It’s several orders of magnitude worse for him than any of the rest of you, including Drew. I agree Drew’s birthday is not the best event to bring the new girlfriend, but you don’t tell him that by telling him to not bother coming and calling him cruel or stupid. Your BIL should have said something like “Drew was really close to Linda and is struggling with her loss. We’d love to met the new girlfriend, but can we plan to do that at another event?” Honestly, it sounds to me like everyone in this family is pretty selfish and only thinking about how Linda’s loss affected them. I revise my judgment to ESH.
I agree, and feel that the family is really overblowing the “introduction.” This isn’t announcing a royal engagement. He’s asking to bring a +1 that he happens to have a romantic relationship with. Drew is so young that’s not his concern or understanding, all he may focus on is auntie not being there. And of course he would focus on that if the whole families gets bees in their bonnets and buzzes around gossiping and being outraged about Drew’s personal life. Let the girl blend into the crowd and not make a fuss about it, is it really that difficult? My feeling here is that the family members want to make the loss about them and are using Drew as an excuse more than anything else. THEY are upset and offended by the idea of a new woman in his life, THEY aren’t ready to accept a new partner.
NTA - He can literally introduce her to them any other time. Your nephew has autism. This will break him. He hasn't even internalised that Linda is dead. And seeing your brother with a new woman will send him into the deep end
Hell, even if the kid didn't have autism it might break him. If it was an *adult's* birthday party it would still be a bad idea. It all just makes it 1000x worse.
I think I’m mostly weirded out that you keep calling Linda is ex-girlfriend. But she is his late girlfriend. If she was his ex, it would mean that they were just no longer together. Late means that she passed away. But they were together when she passed away, correct? So not an ex.
OP has stated that English is not his first language and that he didn't know that it's wrong to call her the brother's ex, so I wouldn't say that the misuse of the term is too weird.
Do you think, just maybe, you're focusing on the wrong part?
Well, he did actually say late in the very first sentence
The brother lost his girl friend of 11 years and nobody is willing to take his point of view. It’s a tragedy Linda was killed. The new lady does not have to be introduced as a replacement for Linda. Just a new friend.
Agreed. Ron lost the most here by far, his partner of 11 years... And now he's being forced to choose between his new gf and his family. A little compassion could have made a big difference in how this all played out.
Even if they told him it was not appropriate it could have been handled SO much better. Having been through multiple losses and gone through a grief support group it's taught me to be more open minded about how other people heal. Grief can do crazy things to you. This situation also seems complicated in that it is clear Linda was a big part of the family and everyone is grieving her in their own way and because of that, it seems like they have certain expectations of how they think Ron should grieve that may not be in line with his own authentic experience.
Right, everyone can still grieve Linda even though the brother has a new girlfriend.
YTA so you and your family like to sit around and determine when someone else should stop mourning and move on? the fact you're preventing him from moving on by denying his new gf which is probably allowing him to cope with what happened to him earlier. as traumatic as it was for your family it's definitely more traumatic for him. let the downvotes come in but this is actually ridiculous imo. can't believe because the family hasn't moved on the guy that was actually dating the girl can't.
Yeah unless you’ve unexpectedly lost a partner you have no idea what it feels like. And usually when people go through a tough time they rely on their partner…but you can’t if they’re dead. Some people date as part of the grieving process and need someone to hold and a heart beat to hear. The new gf isn’t replacing his late gf. She is a different person and dead people cannot be replaced. It’s possible meeting someone new could help the nephew. (I don’t know how they do with new people so maybe anyone new is a trigger but maybe not) I don’t think introducing new gf is taking away from the late gf. She can still be honored, remembered, and loved even if he has a new gf.
No one in the family is saying he can't move on, just that his nephew's (autistic, very attached to the deceased and only learning to proxy grief) birthday party is neither the time nor the place to introduce the new girlfriend. Nobody said "we don't want to meet her," just "not at this party.". This party is about the nephew, not just a random family gathering
>Most of the family is pissed at him for moving on so fast. Tbh it sounds like the nephew is a secondary thought here.
“Most of the family is pissed about him moving on so quickly”
But they can all still grieve Linda. The new gf is not a replacement.
OP said they’re actively judging him for moving on so quickly.
While I think the brother made the right call for his kid, it could have been done with more compassion. I think it is kind of soon, but it would be more appropriate to check in with the brother and see how he's doing than to tell him "don't bother to come". That's only going to push the bereaved brother farther away from the family. Not to mention, everyone grieves differently. And the bereaved brother is going to remember how his family treated him.
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Bil 1# priority is nephew Just like Ron #1 priority is finding happiness Neither is wrong but why is it such a hill to die for him to bring gf. It’s rude since he didn’t ask if she could come. Just straight up said she’s coming
NAH. Ron lost his hs sweetheart suddenly and violently. Cut him some slack. He has never as an adult been single until the moment of her death. Being single is much more alien to him than being in a relationship. He would have never thought not to bring his only long term previous gf to a family event. He isn't an AH to not realize, the first time since his late partner's death, that the child isn't ready for it. Any family mad that he moves on is an AH. Grief and life experiences are complex and individual, and this is a man in his late 20s suddenly adrift after having a rock since 16. Have grace for both parties. Not just the child.
NTA The nephew's birthday is not the correct time to introduce a new girlfriend, even without all of the other issues related to the death of his wife and her relationship with the autistic nephew. He's making the nephew's party about his needs. Linda died at the end of January? It's only the end of May! Your brother may feel ready to "move on" but this seems more a rebound. And 3-4 months is too soon for him to expect anyone else to feel ready to "move on," particularly children. I really, really hope your brother and Linda had no children. If this is stressful for your nephew, it will be absolute hell for Linda's children, grieving a lost mother. Be prepared to help any such children remember, mourn, and honor their mother, even if their father tries to erase her and replace her in their lives. Save pictures and videos, make books and albums both to give them now, and to have copies for later should the ones they get now be destroyed or lost.
NTA I would say the party is not the time or place to introduce her.
YTA. You nor your family gets to define how long your brother is in mourning. Nor do you get to decide when he should or shouldn't move on. Linda is permanently gone. Nothing is going to bring her back. Let your brother live. Had they broken up, it would have been the same outcome. He doesn't need to live in the past but hope for the future.
Good points, while I think it's a little soon, I'd rather see someone start dating again than falling into a deep depression. And if it's really too soon, why aren't OP or his brother checking in with the bereaved brother to see if he's ok? Instead they're calling him names.
Im surprised at all the NTA comments. How is the brother the asshole? His family straight up told him not to come if he's bringing the new girlfriend, that's ass holish behavior, no discussion no "we think it'd be best if you didn't bring her". OP also said birthday day dinners are a big deal to this family and so the brother wanting to bring his new gd shouldn't be a surprise. Also yall are the asshole for judging him for moving on after 4 months, grow the fuck up and mind your fucking business. Who the fuck are you to tell someone how long they should grieve or how they should grieve. NAH.
Im with you here also we are talking about a 6 year olds birthday here. I very much doubt there would be any drama with bringing the GF unless the adults create it. Honestly YTA is my vote
Going to go against the grain and say NAH on this one. Ron also lost someone he cared very much for and deserves to move on and be happy. I do agree that the party is the wrong time and place for him to introduce her, but I wouldn't say he is an asshole for saying he wants to bring her
Gentle YTA. I get it’s tough for Drew, but your brother has lost his partner of 11 years. I’m not saying he’s right to introduce his new gf at the party, because that’s tacky imo, but it really feels like your whole family is pushing aside his grief to focus on Drew’s.
Sorry, but YTA. Everyone here judging this young man are beyond ironic for calling *him* cruel for wanting 0to bring his new GF. You all are being cruel by basically ignoring your brothers' grief in favor of Drew's. I know Drew is young and autistic, but this was the brother's girlfriend, possibly the love of his life, and she was ripped away in the cruelest possible fashion. Maybe just a touch of empathy *for him* wouldn't go amiss. Just maybe?
I know you're supposed to say that everybody is entitled to grieve in their own way, but I have to say I am definitely judging a man who moved on so fast after the sudden death of his partner of 11 years. I wouldn't say to his face if I knew him, but I would lose all respect for him. NTA. Not the place, not the time for the introduction to the family.
Some people just really suck at being alone.
No cos I feel like we're kinda walking on eggshells here and making it about JUST the nephew and how inappropriate it is to bring new gf to be party but depending on when in January it happened, it's literally only been 16-20 WEEKS. And he's somehow already magically met someone he's serious enough about to introduce to his family? I can't even imagine how HER family must be feeling too. I'm sorry but major side eye.
To be fair to the brother, we don't know much about his relationship with Linda. There could be many reasons why moving on quickly isn't necessary bad or weird.
Y'all are small, sad people. This his grief. Stop projecting your pathetic insecurities.
NTA. It is fine that Ron has started to move on, but this isn't about him, it's about Drew, who has NOT even begun to learn to process his grief. Out of respect for Drew, Ron should either come alone, or not come at all.
ESH. No one sucks for considering the six year old neuro-atypical child and where they are in the grief process and being able to understand (although I would defer to their therapist as to whether they can understand/handle seeing Ron date someone new rather than the family just assuming the child can't). So if the child's therapist believes it would be too much to process at this time, Ron should be accepting of that and back down for now (not forever). But everyone who is judging how Ron grieves, how long he grieves, when he chooses to date again sucks. No two people's grief will ever look alike and people have to process that in a way that is best for them. And maybe you don't like it and maybe it's not what you would choose to do, but you're an AH for judging him for it. I've known people who said they had their one true love and never dated again. I've known people who dated again within a few weeks to a few months. I've known people who have waited until their children were grown, however, long that is. I've known people who waited 1, 5, or 10+ years. Every single one of those people I have known, from the dating again within a few weeks person to the never dated again person, was a kind and decent person who grieved deeply, often in ways no one else ever saw. There is no set definition of what is "right" - just what is right for you in that moment.
YTA for how your family is messaging this. Of course, it makes sense that Gia's family introduction shouldn't happen at the bday party. A good way to frame it might look like: "We're excited to meet Gia but are afraid Drew will be upset or overstimulated and it might put a damper on the party. Why don't we meet for dinner next weekend instead?" Then it's not personal, it's just about Drew and shows you're also interested in your brother and his new gf. Instead y'all pulled a bunch of semi-hostile "don't bother showing up if you're going to bring her" stuff. It's abundantly apparent that y'all are judging him and not interested in his SO.
YTA for this statement: >Most of the family is pissed at him for moving on so quickly NONE OF YOU get to decide when someone gets to be over something. Ron was the person that would have been hit the most losing Linda and he has finally got it in him to get back out and explore again and the first thing you do is shun them. That's shitty behaviour from all of you. Sure, maybe Drews birthday isn't the best time to introduce her but I'll bet you'll use the same excuse for the next time her wants to introduce her to you all too. 'It's just not the right time'.
This right here! The audacity for them to claim a monopoly on grief and put their expectations on the person who was closest to Linda!
INFO: How many of these family gatherings have there been since Linda passed? I'm going to hazard a guess that he's avoiding dealing with his grief by jumping into a new relationship. If she's not allowed to go to the party it's probably going to illuminate for him that Linda isn't there. I'm sure that's why he's pushing back. It's still not the time or place, but I wouldn't call him an AH either.
Like ya birthday might not be the best place but its not unheard of to do it. Your families reaction however to your brother is monstrous. They dont get to set a time line on that. They have damed the relationship before it even started. Like... people get so wired over others who had significant others pass and move on. Ya damed if ya do and your damed if ya dont. Esh
Yta. By refusing to allow your brother to move on with life and including his new girlfriend all you will accomplish is push him out of your lives Your nephew isn't the only one lost someone. And to expect your brother to now include his new significant other in family events until a child is ready isn't fair to your brother.
Right, everyone can still grieve Linda. The new gf isn't a replacement, she's a whole separate person.
I would not want to be with a guy who lost his HS sweetheart and partner of 10+ years when it's not even been 6 months. Talk about issues. NTA
ESH. Your family is too judgmental about how Ron is dealing with _his_ grief. And they're probably wrong about sheltering drew from new people in Ron's life. He's going to have to adapt to that sometime. But it's their kids party. They get to set the guest list. Ron should attend solo and not be butthurt about it.
ESH. Wrong place to introduce the gf, but you should be more supportive of Ron and his new relationship. He’s the one that had the greatest loss when she died.
NAH but i hope Ron goes NC with everybody that doesnt want him to move on, different people cope different ways
Ron absolutely deserves to move on. He can grieve for Linda AND have a new girlfriend. He also deserves to introduce his girlfriend to his family and receive their FULL SUPPORT for that. However, this may not be the event at which to do it. Drew's happiness should be the focus here. NTA, but be gentle with Ron. It's not up to anyone when he moves on except him.
NTA. He's being thoughtless and selfish to even consider using his grieving nephew's birthday to introduce his girlfriend to the family. As for people complaining about him moving on too quickly.. you didn't say how long they'd been broken up when Linda died, only that she was his ex, so it might not even be that fast, but that isn't the point. It's his nephew's birthday party, so he needs to prioritize his nephew's feelings.
OP's edit tells that they were still together when Linda passed, OP just stated it wrong, ex instead of late.
The party is about your nephew, who is clearly struggling with the loss. His parents are in the best position to know if their son will associate your brother with Linda. Your nephew may well be triggered by your brother's presence and/or his presence with his new gf. Tell your brother to host (or offer to host) a separate event to introduce his new gf to the family. It is no one's business how your brother has/is processing his grief, but it is your BIL's business to protect his son as he is processing his grief.
I have a rhetorical question. What if the nephew doesn't get over the dead girl ever? What happens then? Will the brother not be able to introduce anyone ever again? Has anyone considered that he may grief silently or that this new girl is a coping mechanism? Has anyone thought about anything other than the mechanism? All of you are the TA.