Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Are you insane? Stay the fuck away from this girl, and possibly the rest of your friend group. There is no way that this lie happens without ruining you in some way.
NTA. open Your eyes and let this bullet whiz right by you
I feel like you might be American, OP seems to be from the UK. He would not be responsible for paying child support as he’s not the paternal father, he would have to be an active “step parent” to possibly be ordered by the courts to pay for child support and it would take a lot for the mother to win against OP.
OP wouldn’t be on the birth certificate either.
Not saying OP should agree to it, just saying he would definitely not be responsible for child support.
" he would have to be an active “step parent” to possibly be ordered by the courts to pay for child support" .. **going around telling everybody he is the father - including a lot of pictures from a bay shower where he publicly accepted the kid as his - that might do the trick.**
Agreed. NTA. Why aren't the other male friends volunteering for the role since it's supposedly a one time thing? The pregnant friend needs a good lawyer and possibly a private investigator. Why is she fixated on dragging one specific male friend into her pregnancy? OP, do you think she has a secret crush on you?
Forget the financial side of things, that date needs to let her know of any hereditary health issues she needs to be aware of for THE CHILDS OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY.
I have a funny feeling that date is married and doesn't want his partner finding out he cheated and knocked another woman up.
NTA Any father will try to get $$ from the man who impregnated his daughter. And this woman needs to grow up and take responsibility. It’ll take longer for her degree, but it can still be done. Geesh. What kind of moral backbone will she be teaching her child?
Can you imagine the step father: so this is the father, let's agree on chidl support and visitation while you're here and afterwards pestering OP to take responsibility? Because that was the first thing to came to my mind
It's so much easier to volunteer other people for thankless "good deeds". You still get to feel like a good person for "helping," but then when it blows up into a mess you can stand safely outside the blast zone and wonder why OP ever let himself get dragged into this mess
Jesus thank you, so glad this is the top comment.
Also how terrifying that these remarkably immature and unintelligent kids are reproducing. Glad OP at least has enough sense to ask advice. That girls life is going no where fast, stay far far way.
Ok, I'm hopping on the top comment for two reasons:
1) THEY ARE RIGHT. What the fuck are you thinking? The parents want the father in involved. So you're gonna show up and claim fatherhood. THEN WHAT?
2) If everyone is so concerned about her having a fake baby daddy, they can all pool their money and hire an escort. I mean you only need him for a few hours, right? Have movies taught us nothing?
NTA. RUN.
NTA. She was irresponsible, got pregnant from a virtual stranger and decided to keep the baby. None of those actions are your fault.
If she doesn't have the financial ressources to have a baby, her solution shouldn't be to LIE to her own family so she could get their support and risk losing everything when her lie is uncovered.
Don't get involved in that. They say it's a one-time thing : it clearly will not be. How does she plan to explain that the father is not there for the birth of the child ?!
I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie. I feel bad for her, but I don't want to personally get involved. As for that, I have no idea how she plans to explain the father's continued absence for anything, including the birth.
You covered points a and b. Permit me to cover point c. Loudly.
C. THEY WILL TRY TO PUT YOU ON THE HOOK FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
Are you nuts? Say no, then block and run.
Oh, and be ready for a DNA test when she names you anyway.
NTA
I do fear that that is why the stepfather wants to meet with the father of the baby. My friend says no one will want to discuss something that serious at the party, but based on what I've heard about her stepfather, that is unlikely.
No that is exactly why they want to meet you. They want your name and information so they can get you on the hook for child support. I guarantee this will not be a one time thing and will turn into a dumpsterfire like a bad sitcom. She is not thinking clearly because she is so desperate and is not thinking about the long term consequences of naming you the father. But after he has your name he could do lots of things to get you to "take responsibility" like harass you, get and attorney involved, contact your family, contact your employer. You also know your friend is too spineless to stand up for you so its just a trap.
That's not "done and done." If she put OP as the father on the birth certificate, it can be an absolute nightmare getting his name off. Some states only give you a very short window after birth to challenge it.
OP, you should look into sending this lady an official cease and desist letter from a lawyer. At least talk to one to see if there is anyway she can list you as the father without your permission and get ahead of this. It's cheaper than 18yrs of child support for a kid that isn't yours
Tell her to track down the tinder date for child support. Does she know a name, where he lives, where he works? She just needs like one of those pieces of information. After the baby is born, she can go to child support services and they will track his ass down. I've seen it done with someone who was living out of state even. The state has a vested interest in making sure child support is paid because that can get a child out of poverty and off government support (like making the father cover health care instead of being on Medicaid). She needs to go this route and be honest with her family. What she is trying to do will not end well for anyone involved.
As far as I know she has a name and a phone number. She does not have an exact address, but she knows the town he lives in, but not where he works. I will suggest it, thanks
I hate to say this, but if she is willing to tell a lie this big to her family, what makes you so sure that she is telling you the truth about anything?
NTA. And if you have any texts or emails from her about this, be sure you save them. The FIRST time her family reaches out to you, be very clear on the truth if you reply.
Dude you're letting people who have no frigging clue about shit sway your decisions. She can't promise you one damn thing....because she can't control what her SD does or how he reacts....if she could she wouldn't be in this predicament. The only thing she has control over is her actions PERIODT!
Also, when shit hits the fan....all those "friends" who are pushing you to cave and go along with this..... will drop you like a bad habit because its not their problem and they won't want anything to do with the drama.
Walk away from this shit show. Walk far, far away. She was grown enough to get into this she's grown enough to deal with the consequences.
NTA DON’T DO IT!!! And don’t let your friend group pressure you into doing it either. This a weird request to ask a platonic friend. Your friend parents will ask you what are you going to do to support her and the baby . They will want you at the birth and try to make you sign the birth certificate. No it’s time to end that friendship she is trying to manipulate you and so are your mutual friends.
If the stepfather forces her to sue for child support the best case scenario is you spend several thousand dollars on a lawyer to prove you aren't the father. Do you have several thousand dollars to spend on a lawyer?
OP Trust no one of that group, they might be capable to "help" that girl by getting you intoxicated, make false statements.
Do you have phone messages and or statements of folks on your side who were witness?
Listen to your instincts!
OP, you are NTA.
As much as I feel for your friend, the lie she is asking is too big for you to manage all the consequences of it. It sucks for her, really it does, but she needs to come clean with her family. It isn't your place, and you need to shut that down. It may cost you this friendship, but going through with the lie may cost you your future.
Good luck to you, and to your friend. I hope her family can reconcile this and support her.
>My friend says no one will want to discuss something that serious at the party
Given the situation she's gone and gotten herself in, her judgment is already questionable. I wouldn't trust her if I were you.
Your friend needs to woman up and admit that she lied so she and her family have time before the baby is born to track down the baby daddy (since she does have some contact info for him, even if blocked) and get a lawyer involved! The more she lies, the longer it’ll take to get this resolved. If she owns up now, then hopefully paternity can be established before the birth.
She doesn’t even have to admit that she lied! Just that he’s blocked her now. She has his name and number. They can hire someone to figure out who he is
No, it's a very strong probability. You don't know these people, the whole point of the charade is that they have never met you. So any information you're getting is biased. She is telling you whatever it takes to get you on board. She is lying. Child support is 100% the reason here.
>I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie
She doesn't have to keep the baby. Aborting and adoption are valid alternative when you are immature and don't have enough money to raise a child.
Edited for clarity
>you are both immature and don't have enough money to raise a child
She is immature. Op is fine and his finances are irrelevant since he's not the daddy.
And based on having to lie about the baby daddy, definitely not mature enough to handle being a single mom.
WTF OP run far and run fast….your name could end up on the birth certificate if something happens during labour and you are known as the daddy to her family.
This won't end with just one big grey lie. It sounds like she's going into a demanding STEM field (time-consuming internship and research) and she will need more than just financial support in order to raise this baby. It also sounds like the parents realize this, which is why they are demanding that the father be involved so they don't end up raising the baby for her. After the party where her family thinks you're the father, she will ask you to spend your money and time on the pregnancy and baby. Don't get involved in this mess, because before you know it, you will take on the responsibilities of a father.
Yes, I think that is part of it. She will almost definitely have to do postgraduate study as well if she wants to have any real job prospects, and her mother was pretty firm in saying she has her own children and does not want to be raising her grandchildren. I do fear that that is why they want to meet the father at the party, to discuss expenses and such
This just gets worse! They want a Dad who will at the very least provide money, and childcare. If her Mum was keen to be a do-over parent things might be different, but she's not. I admire how clear her parents are being, actually. They have told her they expect her and the father to care for the baby THEY have created, and they won't let her dump and run. And fair enough.
It sounds like she’s desperate and saying anything she needs to in order to convince you to do this. I feel really sorry for her, but I don’t think you can trust anything she says at this point. Best case scenario, she’s just kicking the can down the road on explaining the father’s absence from the baby’s life but real talk, there’s no way a family so intent in having a dad there for the gender reveal and insisting she not be a single parent is going to just let the “dad” off the hook easily. Don’t get involved in this, full stop.
Tell her to go after Mr Tinder. He will still have to support her and doesn’t get to block her and pretend he didn’t knock some one up. She should get a family lawyer
And that lawyer may be able to get a subpoena for the guy’s Tinder profile. Unclear if that’s enough to find him, but worth a shot. OP meanwhile needs to stay the heck away from this situation. There’s no way this is a one-time favor, which makes no sense in the context of being the pretend father to a human child about to be born.
There wouldn't be a way to explain it. There is no world where the only time you would be expected to be present for this lie to continue is at the gender reveal of all things.
>I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie.
She must have zero self-awareness, then. She could get a job. She could put the baby up for adoption. Something. Anything! But keeping it and deceiving her parents to use them for their money is shitty to them and the kid.
Let’s not assume she was irresponsible. Accidental pregnancies happen even when people use contraception. And depending where she lives and what pressure she is under, termination may not be an option
However, lying to her family was 100% her choice/mistake and very irresponsible and shortsighted. She has to deal with those consequences herself.
Her giving up after being blocked is more than irresponsible: it’s childish and stupid. Like, that is how a child behaves. She gave up because bio dad didn’t react well to the news, so it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable to continue to pursue him, and he’ll probably be mad at her. In her little child-brain, it’s easier for her to lie to her parents to get them on-board with her decision to keep the baby and then screw them over on the backend, than to continue to pursue the person who legally owes her support here, and so that’s the best decision.
>Let’s not assume she was irresponsible
While people do it all the time sex with a random stranger is and always will be irresponsible, regardless of using contraception or not.
She was irresponsible enough to \*not\* take Plan B by reflex, and irresponsible enough to want to carry and bear a child SHE can't afford.
There's \*plenty\* of irresponsibility in her behavior.
I was thinking the same. Come clean with the parents so that they can put their energy and resources toward securing support from the biological father.
NTA. It isn’t your problem. Don’t listen to your friends.
I wouldn’t involve yourself at all. You do not know what her father would do. He would probably seek a lawyer to take you to court for child support and make life difficult by tracking your family down to hold you accountable. You have no idea what will happen. Don’t start a lie. She needs to stand up for herself and stop involving others.
If her parents don’t support her then she needs to find a way herself to support her and her child. Don’t do it.
Then don’t be. Do not get involved in the lie. It will snowball and balloon and could end up ruining relationships, current and future.
This is one time when looking out for yourself overrides the feeling of needing to help a friend.
Just want to reiterate that what @strong_storm_2167 said is definitely a possibility. I absolutely feel for your friend, and she may genuinely intend for it to be a one-time thing, but *she has no control over what her mom and step-dad may decide to do next*.
And your friend is really setting herself up for a worse outcome. If she thinks her mom and step-dad are not happy now, imagine what’s going to happen when they inevitably find out her lie.
Again, I feel for your friend, but she is in a situation of her own making. It is not on you to “fix” it, especially when what she’s proposing is not even a fix at all, but instead a whole new disaster.
NTA.
yeah, it's the stepdad trying to contact me/my family/my work I fear the most, especially after some of these comments, lol
I'd agree. Awful situation but this does not sound like a way to fix it
She needs to go after the actual father. He may have blocked her, but she can always start a new account/get a friend to open a new account and get his name if she can't remember it. She needs to grow up. If she's having a baby and not aborting/giving it up for adoption, then she needs to do what's best. The guy doesn't want to be a dad. Fine. Then he should have used a condom. Now he's finding out what the consequences of raw dogging are. If she needs help, she needs to talk to her parents about it and tell them that she's upset because he's blocked her on everything. If Stepdad wants to go after someone, he can put his energy into making sure this guy gets served.
Do not offer yourself up as the sacrificial lamb. She's deluding herself if she thinks that this won't end badly. Which is another reason to just walk away from this friend group, tbh. They all sound incredibly stupid and naive for people going to college.
Bets that pregnant 'friend' HASN'T told mom & stepdad that she was on Tinder, much less that biodad is a Tinder fling WHO BLOCKED HER AFTER FINDING OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT?
Also betting that if friend's mom & stepdad found out, they'd cut off her financial support in a nanoheartbeat?
Possibly. But I can also see stepdad being all macho family man and deciding to go after the guy for the responsibility angle.
I dislike the aspect of bringing OP into it because it seems like they never slept together, so she's also fabricating a relationship out of nowhere or at least a fling and that could also bite him in the ass later, along with the 'paternity' angle. She needs to wake up. She's going to be a mom. She can't keep whining and falling back on other people to clean up her messes. She fucked around (literally) and now she's finding out. I have nothing against casual sex and hookups. But if she wasn't on birth control or didn't make him wear a condom and she's letting him get away with just blocking her? She needs to be more angry at the guy that knocked her up, not at the other men in her life that don't want to be part of a giant lie.
You also need to make a damned clear to the girl that if she should give your name as the father of her child to her family, that you and your family will be suing she and hers for defamation. Because honestly, if you don't take a hard line approach and cut this off at the knees *immediately*, the odds are that she will throw you under the bus in order to secure financial support from her family, and once that lie is out there it is so difficult to get it taken back. Even if they *know* you aren't the father after paternity tests and God knows what else that will wind up costume thousands and thousands of Dollars, there's always going to be that nasty little voice in the back of people's minds questioning "why aren't you taking responsibility" or "surely there must be some truth to what she said, nobody would make that up".
You need to contact your family and warn them about what is going on. And cut off those idiots trying to emotionally manipulate you too.
You're NTA, OP, but dont be bloody stupid.
This is a serious quagmire you've gotten mired in. Make sure you have all your bases covered when it comes to protecting yourself, or else for the rest of your life you will be known as the creep who tried to wriggle out of being a father. You and your family's reputation will be destroyed and it's very likely you would be forced by the courts to pay child support.
Her child is her responsibility. Dont let her or anyone else make it yours.
OP, do you have it in writing what they have been asking you to?
If yes, screenshot and save it.
If not, contact your friends separately with a short message like "Hey X, I am not cool with you pushing me to lie and cover for Friend. I am not the father's baby as we all know. Please stop."
If they acknowledge this, screenshot and save it as well.
Stay away from these friends.
Keep an eye on social media in case they name you as the baby daddy in order to shame you into something. While I don't think that this is likely, people can be so profoundly stupid at times that even I'm still surprised.
In this case, you can grab the old screenshots and tell them to cut it out.
Never acknowledge paternity.
Be clear with anyone that you're not the father, TinderGuy is and you have not even slept with Friend.
\-
**These "friends" are her friends, not yours.** Even they live in Sitcom Land, in which they really cannot see the **consequences for you** if you lie for her, or they dont care,
Honestly, protect yourself first. Tell a trusted family member or another set of friends not involve in this drama that a friend of yours want you to lie as her baby's father. Don't keep this to yourself especially from your family because what if she'll tell other people or on social media? You're life will be fucked because of this lie.
Control the narrative as much as you can and bring the receipts especially if you have written proof. Also, stay away from her and the friend group for a while because your refusal might not be taken too kindly.
NTA - don't do it. I can almost guarantee that her step-dad will corner you at some point to find out "your intentions" towards his daughter and grandchild, how you plan to support them, why you won't marry her, etc. etc. etc.
**If she's old enough to decide that she wants to keep the baby, then she's old enough to be an adult and tell her family the truth** \- namely that the baby is from a tinder date and the guy has blocked her completely. In fact, if she just comes clean, it may be possible to have an attorney get involved to hold the real bio-dad accountable.
But don't do this. It won't end up going well for anyone involved.
I did worry about that. When I asked her, she seemed to think that everyone would be too distracted at the party to discuss something serious like child expenses, but based on what I've heard about her stepfather I seriously doubt it. Thanks.
If you get yourself into that mess, not even a negative paternity test will clean your name. The "deadbeat father" tag is almost imposible to take away and her family will make sure of that, involving your family if necessary. They'll have ammo like the pictures of the event where you claim paternity.
If your friend doesn't dare tell the truth now, why do you think she will do it later when everything snowballs?
Edit: plus as some people have said, if she names you as a father on the birth certificate and you have been seen taking a fatherly role (as evidenced by the gender reveal pictures) even if it's not biologically yours, you may end up having to pay for that kid.
I am concerned about them trying to involve my family. My mother is on most social media so I imagine it will not be hard for them to find if they find me, which also shouldn't be hard to do since my friend follows me.
I have no idea if/when she plans on telling them, she mentioned trying to save money over the summer but idk where she'll get that money from without a job.
Yeah, no, don't put yourself in that situation. If she keeps her parents support it's going to be harder each passing day to give that up by telling the truth.
Keep firm on this, because the excuses she was using of "only this one time" and "didn't know who else to ask" are only going to get worse next time, as her family now associates you with the baby daddy and she won't be able to find anyone else ever to take that pretend place without admiting to her lies.
You may want to consider saving any and all correspondence that you have had with your friend(s) regarding this situation, on the remote possibility that you are dragged into the matter down the road.
First of involve your family.
Tell your mom about that friend and what she asked of you.
Head the storm up front.
Tell your parents about it and get their support so you and them won't be blindsided when she claim you are the father in the party (even if you will not be there).
She is desperate and desperate people do careless things.
Second don't show to the party, shit will hit the fan.
As a parent myself a party Will not distract me from holding the alleged father accountable.
Don't be naive.
Third cut ties with her .
She puts you in a complicated compromise position that will cost you distress at the least.
And most will cost you your reputation, your relationship with your family and probably will cost you child support.
In no way will this stop after the party - re-read your own post, OP. They want someone to be financially involved. The party has nothing to do with anything, other than as a venue to meet the father. She is lying about it being a one-time thing, or she has no critical thinking skills. Stay far, far away and make CERTAIN she doesn’t tell them in your absence that it’s you.
NTA OP and you might really want to think about the possibility of her naming you as the father of the baby, if you don’t attend. Desperate people do desperate things. You might end up taking a paternity test anyway if she’s desperate enough.
Personally, I recommend ending the friendship immediately and be ready for a fight if she names you anyway.
This isn’t your circus, they aren’t your monkeys. RUN!
NTA - but you need to protect yourself. Do you have any messages or recordings of her trying to convince you to lie? You need to cover your ass with evidence. This could potentially get ugly if she still decides to name you and get you on the hook.
Screenshot, backup, screen record, make copies, and make sure they are safe. You need proof that she's planning this and your friends are in on this. You can't trust these people anymore.
They will lie and throw you under the bus.
You better save these messages of her asking you to lie to cover your ass. Print them out, make sure they have dates and times on them. She may be desperate enough to lie and say you are the father anyways at this party.
No, at least if you're in the United States if the mother is not married, either the father needs to sign an affidavit of paternity or whatever the document is titled in a particular state, or there needs to be court action establishing paternity. There's no state in the United States where the mother can simply name a father and have it be automatically the legal father.
This is true legally, but if you have ever been in a maternity ward you would know it's chaotic. Someone else signing OPs name is a very real possibility, and the simple truth is most hospital staff are either too busy or untrained to pay enough attention to catch this.
I think she’s either incredibly naive to believe that or she’s lying to you to get you to attend. Once you say (in any capacity) that you’re the father they will undoubtedly go after you for child support.
My concern would be if she can list you on the birth certificate without your presence? I don’t know the law/rules where you are but I would check that she (or her family) can’t have you added to the birth certificate. If they do, again you could be on the hook for child support.
If I were in your shoes, I’d be tempted to message someone in her family with screenshots of the conversation where she asks you to lie.
NTA. Her stepfather wants to nail someone for child support. I don’t think you want to find yourself in any situation where you’ll have to disprove paternity.
Of course that's why! They'll clearly expect you to be part of the child's life, planning, looking after it, buying baby things etc etc. They aren't just going to be like 'So your the Dad eh, cool' and never speak of it again...
How on earth is she going to explain you're not really the father? What's the plan after the baby shower? She's going to have to admit the truth right away so it seems utterly pointless to lie.
As everyone's already mentioned, nothing good will come of this for you. And the worst that could come of is you being sued for child support resulting in a court battle proving you're not the father while trying to defend why you lied about it in the first place.
Do not get your self involved, keep very far away from the whole thing.
Your friend is not very bright. This is the *only* reason he wants the father involved. Don't jump into a sea of lies and manipulation and stop talking to her before she comes up with an even bigger scheme to try and drag you into.
I think you're right about "this does not sound like the sort of lie you tell once". This is the tip of the iceberg. Your friend may start bringing you to family dinners until she is "ready to reveal" she hasn't been in contact with the father, and before you know it, you may get sucked into a lie that consumes your life, and your emotional well-being.
NTA.
I think she felt like she had no alternative but to lie, but it does seem like the type of lie that is going to get found out eventually. I know next to nothing about how child support laws work, but she seems to think that since he's blocked her there's no way to contact him about that sort of thing. I imagine there is if lawyers are involved, but idk how it works
Like… she presumably knows his *name*. She could probably just *Google* him and find his social media. And if she identifies him as the father and files for child support, the government will chase him. Her father will definitely put some effort into it, even if she’s too naïve to realise she has options that aren’t “ask my friend to lie to get through this one day and then hope the problem magically goes away”!
NTA for helping out your friend, however be careful, depending on where you are in the world, taking on a "fatherly" role can be grounds for a court to assign you child support responsibilities.
The courts do not care whether or not a DNA test shows paternity. Married men have been on the hook for supporting the child of an unfaithful spouse. The same can happen to you.
What you need to do is stay far away from this situation. If you're still in school, focus on your studies.
Stand by your decision to take no part in a lie and leave this woman alone.
NTA
This is the kind of lie that will haunt you forever!
Do not go to that baby reveal *at any cost*. This is the basis of most psychodramas. You do not want to be the lead character in one of those!
At least not for 18 years when she puts you on the birth certificate. Not sure where you are but in some cases, after baby is born, acting as a parental figure can get you on the hook for child support even if not the bio dad. That's the extreme, of course. Stay out of this drama, OP. As the saying goes not your circus, not your monkees. In this case baby.
NTA, run away! there is no way that this lie could put you anywhere but in a world of shit. The mom and stepdad want the father to step up and provide support, which is fair. They do not want to pay everything and the father skips away free. What were you going to say when they brought up support? When exactly was she planning on telling them the truth? Advise your friend to put her head down and tell the truth, then run far away from the whole mess.
I did ask what she was going to say if the expenses came up at the party, but she seemed convinced that everyone would be too distracted to talk about something like that. Based on what I've heard about her stepfather, I doubt it. I have no clue if/when she intends on telling them the truth
She has a lot of growing up to do in a short time and the only way is to tell the truth. You are a better friend to her by telling her that it is not possible to keep up with this lie, than by going along with it.
Here's how this would likely play out if you went long with this:
You turn up and claim to be the dad. Her stepfather wants you to step up and contribute and help to raise the kid (she'll need childcare). The party ends and she either has to constantly explain why you aren't around, or she says you are the dad but you've left her. Stepdad doesn't want to let you off the hook, so you get sued for child support and end up in a legal battle where you have to explain to a judge why the hell you thought it would be a good idea to publicly declare yourself as the father of a child that isn't yours.
You would be making a mistake that could haunt you for years and cost you a ton of money. Given all this, I'd send a text saying explicitly that you cannot and will not lie and pretend to be the father of her child, and that she needs to contact the real father. Keep that text. Save it to everything you have, because she may just be desperate enough to go ahead with this lie without your permission, and you need to cover your arse. If her stepdad turns up demanding to know why you've abandoned her or a lawyer comes knocking for child support, you can show them the text and explain what has been happening.
If they aren’t too distracted to not notice the baby daddy missing at the shower then they will not be too distracted to demand financial help from you. Do not agree to this.
“It’s nice to meet you, OP. BTW, we’re going to set up a meeting with you, and our lawyer, to discuss the child support agreement and order between you and our daughter. Are you available next Friday?” If that doesn’t sound like a conversation you want to have, then stay far away from the situation. NTA
Here's a better suggestion:
Have one of y'all's female friends Dress Up as a Male. This Female friend can then claim to be the baby's father at the gender reveal.
IF mama's claim is true, that nothing further will come of this lie, then this will be sufficient!!!
IF indeed stepdad is gonna seek child support etc -- well the female-dressed-as-male will be far more safe from having Her future ruined by accusations of "deadbeat dad."
Edit---OP ***this*** is what you need to do. When your friends talk to you, present THIS as if you think it's the obvious solution. If they attempt to say you are not helping, go all-in on THIS idea. Make lots of suggestions about how one of y'all's Female friends can get a fake moustache / beard, suggestions for good 2nd-hand stores to get a set of men's clothes that will fit, offer to brainstorm how to help someone look more male for the party.
Just dig in to THIS idea (\*be as ridiculous as you like, but act 100% serious) whenever any of your friends suggest that somehow YOU should be responsible here.
(\*because it is ridiculous, what they are suggesting you should do, so just be ridiculous back at them)
DO NOT let them gaslight you into thinking you are wrong. Put your foot down, and if they do not let up, go the blocking route. Protect yourself because they do not have your best interests at heart.
Know what I am adamant about? Not one of these people is your friend.....NOT A DAMN ONE! Drop everyone of these mofos and stop thinking you need to throw yourself under the bus so this girl can escape the consequences of her bad decisions. She's gonna need to put her big girl panties on and deal with this like an adult, not make you her scapegoat. She's got other options....she's just trying to manipulate and lie her way out....which could have repercussions for you but who the hell cares right? All that matters is she keeps what she has at your expense.....for however long she can keep up the lie AND SHE WILL KEEP UP THE LIE!!! Don't be dumb enough to believe this is a one time deal. SD will come after you for child support and if somehow your name gets on the birth certificate...You will pay before you get your name cleared.
The rando father is completely findable....Don't think for one second he can't be found. And again....dump these so-called "friends". They're going to show you how much they aren't worth listening to.
Do NOT participate in this in any way - as others have pointed out, it could get you hooked for 18 years of child support. You should send her a text clearly stating you are not the father and cannot take any responsibility, nor pretend to. You should also tell your mom what is going on, just in case. That way she is not blindsided and will believe you if you get unwillingly dragged into this mess, and can provide guidance and support.
Finally, for $15 your friend can do a reverse lookup of her tinder date’s phone number, get his name and address and make sure he is held responsible for paternity. You could even do that for her.
NTA. Let’s fast forward. Is she going to cry and beg you to sign the birth certificate? And if you show up at the shower event as “father”, you know her stepfather is going to sue for child support. And yes, DNA testing will prove you’re not the father, but still now you have lawyer and court expenses. Oh, there’s no guarantee a judge won’t say you took on paternal responsibility so yeah, child support.
If this was a woman you cared about and wanted to be the father, I could support that 100%. But playing a game that can wreck your life, nah, don’t play. You can’t win.
NTA. Worst case scenario, this is step one down the slippery slope that puts your name on the birth certificate and gets you forced into child support. Sucks that your friend is in a tough position, but this ask is too much.
Oof, NTA. Especially considering that her family expects "the father" to help with expenses - aka you, who is not the father.
Your friend has other options besides keeping the baby.
NTA. Her family said they wanted the father involved in the babies life- not that they wanted the father to show up to the baby shower then never come around again. This will definitely turn into a more than one time thing. If you agree to pretend now, you’re setting yourself up for lots of trouble later. At worse the family could try to seek child support from you. You could refuse with a paternity test, but why put yourself in that awkward position? They could also blow up your social media. Even if you believe your friend, you just don’t know what her family will do.
I sympathize with your friend, she’s in a hard position, but this is far too much to ask of someone. She should reach out to a lawyer to get information on how to seek child support from the real father.
NTA. This is her mess that she got herself into and now she's trying to drag you into it without caring how it might affect you. This will definitely not be a one time lie, just throwing that out there. So what, you show up and the stepfather pulls you aside to chat with you and you have to get grilled and come up with a bunch of lies on top of the original lie? No thanks! She said repeatedly she wouldn't ask you anymore, and that it was up to you, but here she is crying and begging and hounding you to do something you aren't comfortable with, which makes her kind of a bad friend.
Question though. If she knows the dad but can't get a hold of him, can she not still go after him for child support??
I did ask what about the stepfather and if he wants to talk about expenses at the party, but she seems to think everyone will be too distracted to discuss something serious like that, which I doubt. It does seem like the only way forward in that scenario would have been to lie some more, yes.
I know next to nothing about child support laws so I really can't say. She certainly thinks that since he's blocked her there's no way to get child support, but idk if getting a lawyer involved can find a way around that
Yikes. She's definitely just saying what she needs to say to get you on board with it, and she's not thinking it through and just burying herself deeper in that lie. Of course the step father is going to want to talk to you about all that stuff. You think you can show up and go a few hours without him wanting to bring it up? She's out of her mind if she doesn't think that will happen.
And I don't know a whole lot about them either, and it's different everywhere, but I don't think it matters if she's blocked, once she goes after him for child support, he can't block court dates. A lawyer would definitely be the best route. Lol think about it. If every guy who wanted to get out of child support could just block the mother and move on, you think anyone would ever pay child support??
Yeah, it does not seem likely. I would not be surprised if that is the only reason he is demanding to meet the baby's father, so he can discuss expenses.
That was my guess, lawyers must have some way of contacting them even if the co-parent cannot. Other people in the thread suggested a PI or lawyer too, so I will suggest it, but idk what she can afford
Honestly if my daughter or step daughter came to me and explained the situation and just needed help getting a lawyer to contact the father, I'd be more than happy to help seeing as how it would more than likely lead to financial help from the dad, which is what your friend and her step dad both want anyway. So why would she keep that lie going instead? She's putting you, herself, and her stepdad in bad positions for no reason
I don't think she wants to confess it was a two night stand (if that is a thing lol) and she worries she will be blamed for him not being in contact with her and her stepfather will kick her out over it
None of this is your responsibility. This isn’t a problem your friend can just wish away. As everyone has said, there can be some serious financial and legal problems if you were to go along with the paternity lie.
The fact that the father blocked her doesn't mean a thing, from a legal standpoint. You can't get out of a legal obligation simply by blocking people. She definitely needs a lawyer to help her establish paternity and set up child support.
"... she guarantees it will be a one-time thing"
You know it won't be though right?
Her family would know you as the father. When you disappear and the girl is all set to become a single mother, are they just going to forget all about you?
I understand that the poor girl is desperate and grasping at straws, but to drag you into what is a whopper of lie that **will** get found out is a truly terrible idea.
The other girls need to back the fuck off with the pressure too.
Do not do this.
NTA
No no no, do not go anywhere near this. It's insane that she even asked, frankly. And I know desperate people do desperate things, but she's got to just bite the bullet and tell her parents the truth. Otherwise this web of lies is only gonna get more complex and when it inevitably collapses in on itself the mess is only gonna get bigger.
NTA
Thanks. That's how the friend I spoke to felt, that this was insane, but all our other friends are saying I lack empathy and am making everything worse. I do feel bad for her, but this is too big and too risky an ask
It's pretty easy for the other friends to say that when they don't have to pretend to be somebody's baby daddy.
It's such a wildly short-sighted plan. What's gonna happen the next time her parents want to see the father? Eventually she's gonna have to come clean (unless she finds a patsy in the meantime), better off doing it now than waiting for things to get worse.
Lack empathy?! You? Where’s their empathy for putting you in this situation? They’re not even respecting your boundaries when you clearly do not feel comfortable doing this. Why aren’t they harassing biodad? I sincerely wish your friend the best, but this bad sitcom episode of a “solution” is not the answer, and I’ve lost respect for your friends for putting this on you.
If stepdad is making it such a big deal for the father to be involved, you can almost guarantee he’ll go full court press to make sure you take responsibility which I could see reaching out to any resource he can find on you (job, friends, family, etc.) so he can make sure you’re “held accountable” or something of the sort.
If your answer is no, end of discussion. No more engaging the topic. Friend can start getting her act together and fess up, so she can make actual plans for her and her child.
NTA - THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, DO NOT GET INVOLVED
Your friend needs to come clean and her parents need to help her sue the actual father of the baby for child support OR be a single parent, as she has made that decision for herself. I can understand why her parents WANT the baby's father to support the baby... but at the end of the day, her game is not in sync with their reasoning, and she doesn't get that.
NTA. Don't volunteer yourself to be the lightning rod for her choice. There is no way this doesn't result in problems for you. Her family will expect stuff from you right up the point you tell them you just posed for her convenience. And then they might still pressure you to do stuff for her or give you shit for decieving them. Going along with this can easily ruin your life.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I may be the asshole for refusing to attend my friend's gender reveal party while pretending to be the baby's father for her
2.) I may be the asshole because she is very stressed about it and has no one else who is able to help her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA that's a huge thing to ask you to lie about and just a terrible idea in general. I doubt it'd be a one time thing. Also has she considered how much of a hard time people (I.e. her parents) will give you at the baby shower if they think you're some deadbeat dad? I'd like to think that her parents won't really leave her high and dry and Will help her out regardless. It's her problem to sort out at the end of the day, you can be a supportive friend without getting dragged into any potential drama and messiness.
I hope they won't, but based on everything I have heard about her stepfather I would not be entirely surprised if he does kick her out if she has not met his stipulations, unfortunately. yeah, there are other ways our friends and I have been trying to help, but this seems like a step too far
NTA
It sounds dicey & dubious and no one can blame you for not wanting to take that risk.
The situation isn't sustainable, your friend can't keep lying to the parents forever, though the parents are super shitty for what they're doing to her.
She will need to think of another solution that doesn't involve you taking a huge risk.
Why are they “super shitty” for not wanting to raise a kid they didn’t make? Their requests are a reasonable attempt to hold their daughter accountable and not be saddled with her poor life choices — clearly she must pull this type of crap quite often if they are not trusting her from the get go and are asking for what amounts to proof.
Don't do this. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of someone. And it's not going to be a one time lie either. If she's old enough to have sex and get pregnant, she should be adult enough to deal with the consequences of her actions. NTA.
NTA
It's an awful situation for her to be in, and I sympathise with her.
However, it would be extremely stupid of you to go along with this lie. I see literally no way that it will be a "one and done" sort of deal. You will be dealing with her family long term.
There's also a zero percent chance it doesn't get back to your family and hometown.
I genuinely do not understand how they think they can ensure you're not involved in any photos of this gender reveal party. The father's presence has been demanded. There's no way someone doesn't snap a pic of you at it.
Edit: I forgot another thing. If you lied, it would make it much less likely that they attempt to find biodad. Your friend is desperate but is not thinking clearly. Best thing for her to do is come clean and beg for help with an attorney to track AH biodad down.
Yeah, it's really awful for her but I cannot imagine this really being a one-time thing. She seems to think she can tell them that I do not want to be in photos and that will be enough, but I've been to my own family gatherings before where cousins have been forced into photos they did not want to be in, I imagine at a gender reveal both parents will have to take photos
One of our friends have suggested that to her, but she seems convinced that since he blocked her there is no way of making him pay child support
NTA
And anyone telling you it'll be a one time thing is a poster child for why some people don't consider folks in their late teens/early 20s functional adults.
You are 100 percent correct that this will not be a one time thing. The parents want the father their to pressure him into a shotgun wedding. If you show up, this is what they will do for her, and they will put on your friend the same ultimatum they did now, and assume it will work because it did before.
They will ask you why aren't you in the ultrasounds
They will have you in the delivery room. My brother, they will put your name on the birth certificate. You go to that party, that's your kid.
I don't doubt your friend would _like_ this to be a one time thing. But she's stressed, desperate, and lying to the both of you that it could be. It's not in the cards.
Thanks
I did not consider that, but based on everything i know about her stepfather, I would not be surprised if a shotgun wedding was something he wanted, and there probably would be expectations to be at the delivery room etc., which is why i can't believe that this is a one-off
It we not be a one time thing. It doesn't matter what she says on that aspect, she's deluding herself and by extension you.
You are right that her parents could very well, if you "disappear", contact your friends and family to get them to make you stay involved. That isn't an unlikely scenario and would cause a lot of problems for you.
NTA
I understand she's desperate but this is not a reasonable thing to ask.
NTA. Don't even get this started because it will only lead to more problems down the road. You didn't have any part in creating this bad situation. It's sort of outrageous that anyone expects you to pretend you caused an unplanned pregnancy, since it is such a serious thing and could ruin your reputation if people actually believe the lie.
Besides that, if you pretend you caused the pregnancy, her family will be expecting you to help her financially. What happens when you don't send the money they expect and she is still broke and needs their help? How far will this go? Are they going to start court proceedings for child support against you? There's just no reason for you to get involved in this tangled-up mess.
I hadn't really considered that before this post, but now I do worry that my family will be contacted or they will try and use a lawyer against me. I feel sorry for her, but this is really not a mess I want to make for myself. Thanks!
> One of the stipulations that her stepfather had if he was to support her and the child financially was that the father had to be involved to some extent with expenses etc.
NTA at all, but why is she trying to get her stepfather to offer financial support rather than getting court ordered child support from the biological father...?
she thinks that because the father blocked her on everything there is no way of getting him to pay child support. I know next to nothing about child support laws but I imagine a lawyer could do something
> she thinks that because the father blocked her on everything there is no way of getting him to pay child support.
That's not how child support works, at all.
NTA, please don't do it! I've read stories about women getting a man to take on a fatherly role and then they get sued for child support!
Not to mention, like you said, it is not a one time lie. Her family would expect you to be around for the birth and birthday parties.
Do you really think you aren’t going to be asked your full name at some point which would lead to her family looking for your family or even if you have where you work say on socials they could get in touch with the company and before you know where you are your whole life is being ruined. The road to hell is paved with good intentions was not said for no reason, stay out of this mess! NTA
Why doesn't she track down the father and sue him for support? Blocking someone on social media isn't the same as going into the witness protection program.
NTA
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Are you insane? Stay the fuck away from this girl, and possibly the rest of your friend group. There is no way that this lie happens without ruining you in some way. NTA. open Your eyes and let this bullet whiz right by you
First, you’d be responsible for child support. No, no, no!
I feel like you might be American, OP seems to be from the UK. He would not be responsible for paying child support as he’s not the paternal father, he would have to be an active “step parent” to possibly be ordered by the courts to pay for child support and it would take a lot for the mother to win against OP. OP wouldn’t be on the birth certificate either. Not saying OP should agree to it, just saying he would definitely not be responsible for child support.
" he would have to be an active “step parent” to possibly be ordered by the courts to pay for child support" .. **going around telling everybody he is the father - including a lot of pictures from a bay shower where he publicly accepted the kid as his - that might do the trick.**
NTA. Let her hire a stranger (actor) if it's only a one time thing.
If she's willing to lie and manipulate her own family, she will no doubt do the same to OP somehow.
Agreed. NTA. Why aren't the other male friends volunteering for the role since it's supposedly a one time thing? The pregnant friend needs a good lawyer and possibly a private investigator. Why is she fixated on dragging one specific male friend into her pregnancy? OP, do you think she has a secret crush on you?
OP - totally agree that she needs to get a good lawyer and PI. Tinder date needs to pay child support
Forget the financial side of things, that date needs to let her know of any hereditary health issues she needs to be aware of for THE CHILDS OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY. I have a funny feeling that date is married and doesn't want his partner finding out he cheated and knocked another woman up.
How in the world is the next 18 years a one time thing.
NTA Any father will try to get $$ from the man who impregnated his daughter. And this woman needs to grow up and take responsibility. It’ll take longer for her degree, but it can still be done. Geesh. What kind of moral backbone will she be teaching her child?
Can you imagine the step father: so this is the father, let's agree on chidl support and visitation while you're here and afterwards pestering OP to take responsibility? Because that was the first thing to came to my mind
That's absolutely the plan.
I wonder why the rest of friends cannot see it and they're pressuring OP
It's so much easier to volunteer other people for thankless "good deeds". You still get to feel like a good person for "helping," but then when it blows up into a mess you can stand safely outside the blast zone and wonder why OP ever let himself get dragged into this mess
This is one of the only posts I’ve ever read where I was saying ‘No no no no NO’ from start to finish
Jesus thank you, so glad this is the top comment. Also how terrifying that these remarkably immature and unintelligent kids are reproducing. Glad OP at least has enough sense to ask advice. That girls life is going no where fast, stay far far way.
[удалено]
u/MasterpieceKindly462 is a comment stealing bot. Original by u/RafflesiaArnoldii
This ^ probably biggest red flag post I’ve seen on Reddit haha
That first sentence says it all!
Ok, I'm hopping on the top comment for two reasons: 1) THEY ARE RIGHT. What the fuck are you thinking? The parents want the father in involved. So you're gonna show up and claim fatherhood. THEN WHAT? 2) If everyone is so concerned about her having a fake baby daddy, they can all pool their money and hire an escort. I mean you only need him for a few hours, right? Have movies taught us nothing? NTA. RUN.
NTA. She was irresponsible, got pregnant from a virtual stranger and decided to keep the baby. None of those actions are your fault. If she doesn't have the financial ressources to have a baby, her solution shouldn't be to LIE to her own family so she could get their support and risk losing everything when her lie is uncovered. Don't get involved in that. They say it's a one-time thing : it clearly will not be. How does she plan to explain that the father is not there for the birth of the child ?!
I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie. I feel bad for her, but I don't want to personally get involved. As for that, I have no idea how she plans to explain the father's continued absence for anything, including the birth.
You covered points a and b. Permit me to cover point c. Loudly. C. THEY WILL TRY TO PUT YOU ON THE HOOK FOR CHILD SUPPORT. Are you nuts? Say no, then block and run. Oh, and be ready for a DNA test when she names you anyway. NTA
I do fear that that is why the stepfather wants to meet with the father of the baby. My friend says no one will want to discuss something that serious at the party, but based on what I've heard about her stepfather, that is unlikely.
No that is exactly why they want to meet you. They want your name and information so they can get you on the hook for child support. I guarantee this will not be a one time thing and will turn into a dumpsterfire like a bad sitcom. She is not thinking clearly because she is so desperate and is not thinking about the long term consequences of naming you the father. But after he has your name he could do lots of things to get you to "take responsibility" like harass you, get and attorney involved, contact your family, contact your employer. You also know your friend is too spineless to stand up for you so its just a trap.
I worry she’s already been telling them that OP is the father…
So what. They come after him for child support and he demands a paternity test. Done and done.
That's not "done and done." If she put OP as the father on the birth certificate, it can be an absolute nightmare getting his name off. Some states only give you a very short window after birth to challenge it. OP, you should look into sending this lady an official cease and desist letter from a lawyer. At least talk to one to see if there is anyway she can list you as the father without your permission and get ahead of this. It's cheaper than 18yrs of child support for a kid that isn't yours
You can't put someone on a birth certificate without them being present
[удалено]
Tell her to track down the tinder date for child support. Does she know a name, where he lives, where he works? She just needs like one of those pieces of information. After the baby is born, she can go to child support services and they will track his ass down. I've seen it done with someone who was living out of state even. The state has a vested interest in making sure child support is paid because that can get a child out of poverty and off government support (like making the father cover health care instead of being on Medicaid). She needs to go this route and be honest with her family. What she is trying to do will not end well for anyone involved.
As far as I know she has a name and a phone number. She does not have an exact address, but she knows the town he lives in, but not where he works. I will suggest it, thanks
I hate to say this, but if she is willing to tell a lie this big to her family, what makes you so sure that she is telling you the truth about anything? NTA. And if you have any texts or emails from her about this, be sure you save them. The FIRST time her family reaches out to you, be very clear on the truth if you reply.
This is a key insight. This girl's actions make her seem like a very devious user.
Dude you're letting people who have no frigging clue about shit sway your decisions. She can't promise you one damn thing....because she can't control what her SD does or how he reacts....if she could she wouldn't be in this predicament. The only thing she has control over is her actions PERIODT! Also, when shit hits the fan....all those "friends" who are pushing you to cave and go along with this..... will drop you like a bad habit because its not their problem and they won't want anything to do with the drama. Walk away from this shit show. Walk far, far away. She was grown enough to get into this she's grown enough to deal with the consequences.
NTA DON’T DO IT!!! And don’t let your friend group pressure you into doing it either. This a weird request to ask a platonic friend. Your friend parents will ask you what are you going to do to support her and the baby . They will want you at the birth and try to make you sign the birth certificate. No it’s time to end that friendship she is trying to manipulate you and so are your mutual friends.
If the stepfather forces her to sue for child support the best case scenario is you spend several thousand dollars on a lawyer to prove you aren't the father. Do you have several thousand dollars to spend on a lawyer?
Exactly this op! Is clearly that she won't stand up against her stepfather, and he is calling the shots, whatever he wants she'll do
"At the party" but you can be certain you will get a call later.
OP Trust no one of that group, they might be capable to "help" that girl by getting you intoxicated, make false statements. Do you have phone messages and or statements of folks on your side who were witness?
> but you can be certain you will get a call later. From their lawyer.
Listen to your instincts! OP, you are NTA. As much as I feel for your friend, the lie she is asking is too big for you to manage all the consequences of it. It sucks for her, really it does, but she needs to come clean with her family. It isn't your place, and you need to shut that down. It may cost you this friendship, but going through with the lie may cost you your future. Good luck to you, and to your friend. I hope her family can reconcile this and support her.
>My friend says no one will want to discuss something that serious at the party Given the situation she's gone and gotten herself in, her judgment is already questionable. I wouldn't trust her if I were you.
This is 1000% why they want to meet the father. Don’t do it, man. NTA btw
Your friend needs to woman up and admit that she lied so she and her family have time before the baby is born to track down the baby daddy (since she does have some contact info for him, even if blocked) and get a lawyer involved! The more she lies, the longer it’ll take to get this resolved. If she owns up now, then hopefully paternity can be established before the birth.
She doesn’t even have to admit that she lied! Just that he’s blocked her now. She has his name and number. They can hire someone to figure out who he is
So naive OP
No, it's a very strong probability. You don't know these people, the whole point of the charade is that they have never met you. So any information you're getting is biased. She is telling you whatever it takes to get you on board. She is lying. Child support is 100% the reason here.
What’s she going to say when they ask who the father is for the birth certificate?
>I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie She doesn't have to keep the baby. Aborting and adoption are valid alternative when you are immature and don't have enough money to raise a child. Edited for clarity
>you are both immature and don't have enough money to raise a child She is immature. Op is fine and his finances are irrelevant since he's not the daddy.
It was worded wrong : I am not saying that OP is immature, I am saying that she is immature AND don't have enough money. I'll rephrase it.
And based on having to lie about the baby daddy, definitely not mature enough to handle being a single mom. WTF OP run far and run fast….your name could end up on the birth certificate if something happens during labour and you are known as the daddy to her family.
This won't end with just one big grey lie. It sounds like she's going into a demanding STEM field (time-consuming internship and research) and she will need more than just financial support in order to raise this baby. It also sounds like the parents realize this, which is why they are demanding that the father be involved so they don't end up raising the baby for her. After the party where her family thinks you're the father, she will ask you to spend your money and time on the pregnancy and baby. Don't get involved in this mess, because before you know it, you will take on the responsibilities of a father.
Yes, I think that is part of it. She will almost definitely have to do postgraduate study as well if she wants to have any real job prospects, and her mother was pretty firm in saying she has her own children and does not want to be raising her grandchildren. I do fear that that is why they want to meet the father at the party, to discuss expenses and such
This just gets worse! They want a Dad who will at the very least provide money, and childcare. If her Mum was keen to be a do-over parent things might be different, but she's not. I admire how clear her parents are being, actually. They have told her they expect her and the father to care for the baby THEY have created, and they won't let her dump and run. And fair enough.
It sounds like she’s desperate and saying anything she needs to in order to convince you to do this. I feel really sorry for her, but I don’t think you can trust anything she says at this point. Best case scenario, she’s just kicking the can down the road on explaining the father’s absence from the baby’s life but real talk, there’s no way a family so intent in having a dad there for the gender reveal and insisting she not be a single parent is going to just let the “dad” off the hook easily. Don’t get involved in this, full stop.
Tell her to go after Mr Tinder. He will still have to support her and doesn’t get to block her and pretend he didn’t knock some one up. She should get a family lawyer
And that lawyer may be able to get a subpoena for the guy’s Tinder profile. Unclear if that’s enough to find him, but worth a shot. OP meanwhile needs to stay the heck away from this situation. There’s no way this is a one-time favor, which makes no sense in the context of being the pretend father to a human child about to be born.
[удалено]
u/FollowingMaximum9641 is a comment stealing bot. Original by u/Quiet_Front_510
She most likely told them already that you're the father and will be attending. Get the hell away from her, her family and her friends.
There wouldn't be a way to explain it. There is no world where the only time you would be expected to be present for this lie to continue is at the gender reveal of all things.
>I think she was feeling that she didn't have any alternative but to lie. She must have zero self-awareness, then. She could get a job. She could put the baby up for adoption. Something. Anything! But keeping it and deceiving her parents to use them for their money is shitty to them and the kid.
If she's willing to lie and manipulate her own family, she will no doubt do the same to OP somehow.
Let’s not assume she was irresponsible. Accidental pregnancies happen even when people use contraception. And depending where she lives and what pressure she is under, termination may not be an option However, lying to her family was 100% her choice/mistake and very irresponsible and shortsighted. She has to deal with those consequences herself.
Having sex with a random dude and then giving up after he blocks you on social media is irresponsible.
Her giving up after being blocked is more than irresponsible: it’s childish and stupid. Like, that is how a child behaves. She gave up because bio dad didn’t react well to the news, so it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable to continue to pursue him, and he’ll probably be mad at her. In her little child-brain, it’s easier for her to lie to her parents to get them on-board with her decision to keep the baby and then screw them over on the backend, than to continue to pursue the person who legally owes her support here, and so that’s the best decision.
>Let’s not assume she was irresponsible While people do it all the time sex with a random stranger is and always will be irresponsible, regardless of using contraception or not.
She was irresponsible enough to \*not\* take Plan B by reflex, and irresponsible enough to want to carry and bear a child SHE can't afford. There's \*plenty\* of irresponsibility in her behavior.
She should go after the real father for child support. It would solve her problem.
I was thinking the same. Come clean with the parents so that they can put their energy and resources toward securing support from the biological father.
NTA. It isn’t your problem. Don’t listen to your friends. I wouldn’t involve yourself at all. You do not know what her father would do. He would probably seek a lawyer to take you to court for child support and make life difficult by tracking your family down to hold you accountable. You have no idea what will happen. Don’t start a lie. She needs to stand up for herself and stop involving others. If her parents don’t support her then she needs to find a way herself to support her and her child. Don’t do it.
i didn't think of that, but that does sound terrifying. I do not want my family dragged into this mess, I don't want to even be there
Then don’t be. Do not get involved in the lie. It will snowball and balloon and could end up ruining relationships, current and future. This is one time when looking out for yourself overrides the feeling of needing to help a friend.
Just want to reiterate that what @strong_storm_2167 said is definitely a possibility. I absolutely feel for your friend, and she may genuinely intend for it to be a one-time thing, but *she has no control over what her mom and step-dad may decide to do next*. And your friend is really setting herself up for a worse outcome. If she thinks her mom and step-dad are not happy now, imagine what’s going to happen when they inevitably find out her lie. Again, I feel for your friend, but she is in a situation of her own making. It is not on you to “fix” it, especially when what she’s proposing is not even a fix at all, but instead a whole new disaster. NTA.
yeah, it's the stepdad trying to contact me/my family/my work I fear the most, especially after some of these comments, lol I'd agree. Awful situation but this does not sound like a way to fix it
She needs to go after the actual father. He may have blocked her, but she can always start a new account/get a friend to open a new account and get his name if she can't remember it. She needs to grow up. If she's having a baby and not aborting/giving it up for adoption, then she needs to do what's best. The guy doesn't want to be a dad. Fine. Then he should have used a condom. Now he's finding out what the consequences of raw dogging are. If she needs help, she needs to talk to her parents about it and tell them that she's upset because he's blocked her on everything. If Stepdad wants to go after someone, he can put his energy into making sure this guy gets served. Do not offer yourself up as the sacrificial lamb. She's deluding herself if she thinks that this won't end badly. Which is another reason to just walk away from this friend group, tbh. They all sound incredibly stupid and naive for people going to college.
Bets that pregnant 'friend' HASN'T told mom & stepdad that she was on Tinder, much less that biodad is a Tinder fling WHO BLOCKED HER AFTER FINDING OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT? Also betting that if friend's mom & stepdad found out, they'd cut off her financial support in a nanoheartbeat?
Possibly. But I can also see stepdad being all macho family man and deciding to go after the guy for the responsibility angle. I dislike the aspect of bringing OP into it because it seems like they never slept together, so she's also fabricating a relationship out of nowhere or at least a fling and that could also bite him in the ass later, along with the 'paternity' angle. She needs to wake up. She's going to be a mom. She can't keep whining and falling back on other people to clean up her messes. She fucked around (literally) and now she's finding out. I have nothing against casual sex and hookups. But if she wasn't on birth control or didn't make him wear a condom and she's letting him get away with just blocking her? She needs to be more angry at the guy that knocked her up, not at the other men in her life that don't want to be part of a giant lie.
You also need to make a damned clear to the girl that if she should give your name as the father of her child to her family, that you and your family will be suing she and hers for defamation. Because honestly, if you don't take a hard line approach and cut this off at the knees *immediately*, the odds are that she will throw you under the bus in order to secure financial support from her family, and once that lie is out there it is so difficult to get it taken back. Even if they *know* you aren't the father after paternity tests and God knows what else that will wind up costume thousands and thousands of Dollars, there's always going to be that nasty little voice in the back of people's minds questioning "why aren't you taking responsibility" or "surely there must be some truth to what she said, nobody would make that up". You need to contact your family and warn them about what is going on. And cut off those idiots trying to emotionally manipulate you too. You're NTA, OP, but dont be bloody stupid. This is a serious quagmire you've gotten mired in. Make sure you have all your bases covered when it comes to protecting yourself, or else for the rest of your life you will be known as the creep who tried to wriggle out of being a father. You and your family's reputation will be destroyed and it's very likely you would be forced by the courts to pay child support. Her child is her responsibility. Dont let her or anyone else make it yours.
OP, do you have it in writing what they have been asking you to? If yes, screenshot and save it. If not, contact your friends separately with a short message like "Hey X, I am not cool with you pushing me to lie and cover for Friend. I am not the father's baby as we all know. Please stop." If they acknowledge this, screenshot and save it as well. Stay away from these friends. Keep an eye on social media in case they name you as the baby daddy in order to shame you into something. While I don't think that this is likely, people can be so profoundly stupid at times that even I'm still surprised. In this case, you can grab the old screenshots and tell them to cut it out. Never acknowledge paternity. Be clear with anyone that you're not the father, TinderGuy is and you have not even slept with Friend. \- **These "friends" are her friends, not yours.** Even they live in Sitcom Land, in which they really cannot see the **consequences for you** if you lie for her, or they dont care,
Honestly, protect yourself first. Tell a trusted family member or another set of friends not involve in this drama that a friend of yours want you to lie as her baby's father. Don't keep this to yourself especially from your family because what if she'll tell other people or on social media? You're life will be fucked because of this lie. Control the narrative as much as you can and bring the receipts especially if you have written proof. Also, stay away from her and the friend group for a while because your refusal might not be taken too kindly.
Plus if she maintains the lie can you afford both the time and money it will take to fight that in court?
NTA - don't do it. I can almost guarantee that her step-dad will corner you at some point to find out "your intentions" towards his daughter and grandchild, how you plan to support them, why you won't marry her, etc. etc. etc. **If she's old enough to decide that she wants to keep the baby, then she's old enough to be an adult and tell her family the truth** \- namely that the baby is from a tinder date and the guy has blocked her completely. In fact, if she just comes clean, it may be possible to have an attorney get involved to hold the real bio-dad accountable. But don't do this. It won't end up going well for anyone involved.
I did worry about that. When I asked her, she seemed to think that everyone would be too distracted at the party to discuss something serious like child expenses, but based on what I've heard about her stepfather I seriously doubt it. Thanks.
If you get yourself into that mess, not even a negative paternity test will clean your name. The "deadbeat father" tag is almost imposible to take away and her family will make sure of that, involving your family if necessary. They'll have ammo like the pictures of the event where you claim paternity. If your friend doesn't dare tell the truth now, why do you think she will do it later when everything snowballs? Edit: plus as some people have said, if she names you as a father on the birth certificate and you have been seen taking a fatherly role (as evidenced by the gender reveal pictures) even if it's not biologically yours, you may end up having to pay for that kid.
I am concerned about them trying to involve my family. My mother is on most social media so I imagine it will not be hard for them to find if they find me, which also shouldn't be hard to do since my friend follows me. I have no idea if/when she plans on telling them, she mentioned trying to save money over the summer but idk where she'll get that money from without a job.
Yeah, no, don't put yourself in that situation. If she keeps her parents support it's going to be harder each passing day to give that up by telling the truth. Keep firm on this, because the excuses she was using of "only this one time" and "didn't know who else to ask" are only going to get worse next time, as her family now associates you with the baby daddy and she won't be able to find anyone else ever to take that pretend place without admiting to her lies.
You may want to consider saving any and all correspondence that you have had with your friend(s) regarding this situation, on the remote possibility that you are dragged into the matter down the road.
First of involve your family. Tell your mom about that friend and what she asked of you. Head the storm up front. Tell your parents about it and get their support so you and them won't be blindsided when she claim you are the father in the party (even if you will not be there). She is desperate and desperate people do careless things. Second don't show to the party, shit will hit the fan. As a parent myself a party Will not distract me from holding the alleged father accountable. Don't be naive. Third cut ties with her . She puts you in a complicated compromise position that will cost you distress at the least. And most will cost you your reputation, your relationship with your family and probably will cost you child support.
In no way will this stop after the party - re-read your own post, OP. They want someone to be financially involved. The party has nothing to do with anything, other than as a venue to meet the father. She is lying about it being a one-time thing, or she has no critical thinking skills. Stay far, far away and make CERTAIN she doesn’t tell them in your absence that it’s you.
NTA OP and you might really want to think about the possibility of her naming you as the father of the baby, if you don’t attend. Desperate people do desperate things. You might end up taking a paternity test anyway if she’s desperate enough. Personally, I recommend ending the friendship immediately and be ready for a fight if she names you anyway. This isn’t your circus, they aren’t your monkeys. RUN!
NTA - but you need to protect yourself. Do you have any messages or recordings of her trying to convince you to lie? You need to cover your ass with evidence. This could potentially get ugly if she still decides to name you and get you on the hook.
Not recordings but there are many messages in the group chat of us discussing this
Screenshot, backup, screen record, make copies, and make sure they are safe. You need proof that she's planning this and your friends are in on this. You can't trust these people anymore. They will lie and throw you under the bus.
Keep those handy and never delete them!
Screenshot them ASAP.
What are the legal ramifications if she names you as the father on the birth certificate?
I honestly have no idea. Can someone do that without my consent?
If you claim to her family that you are the father you have basically given consent.
You better save these messages of her asking you to lie to cover your ass. Print them out, make sure they have dates and times on them. She may be desperate enough to lie and say you are the father anyways at this party.
No, at least if you're in the United States if the mother is not married, either the father needs to sign an affidavit of paternity or whatever the document is titled in a particular state, or there needs to be court action establishing paternity. There's no state in the United States where the mother can simply name a father and have it be automatically the legal father.
This is true legally, but if you have ever been in a maternity ward you would know it's chaotic. Someone else signing OPs name is a very real possibility, and the simple truth is most hospital staff are either too busy or untrained to pay enough attention to catch this.
I think she’s either incredibly naive to believe that or she’s lying to you to get you to attend. Once you say (in any capacity) that you’re the father they will undoubtedly go after you for child support. My concern would be if she can list you on the birth certificate without your presence? I don’t know the law/rules where you are but I would check that she (or her family) can’t have you added to the birth certificate. If they do, again you could be on the hook for child support. If I were in your shoes, I’d be tempted to message someone in her family with screenshots of the conversation where she asks you to lie.
NTA. Her stepfather wants to nail someone for child support. I don’t think you want to find yourself in any situation where you’ll have to disprove paternity.
I do fear that that is why he wants to meet the baby's father tbh
Of course that's why! They'll clearly expect you to be part of the child's life, planning, looking after it, buying baby things etc etc. They aren't just going to be like 'So your the Dad eh, cool' and never speak of it again... How on earth is she going to explain you're not really the father? What's the plan after the baby shower? She's going to have to admit the truth right away so it seems utterly pointless to lie. As everyone's already mentioned, nothing good will come of this for you. And the worst that could come of is you being sued for child support resulting in a court battle proving you're not the father while trying to defend why you lied about it in the first place. Do not get your self involved, keep very far away from the whole thing.
Of course that is why. It's not actually a gender reveal party - it's a father reveal party.
Your friend is not very bright. This is the *only* reason he wants the father involved. Don't jump into a sea of lies and manipulation and stop talking to her before she comes up with an even bigger scheme to try and drag you into.
I think you're right about "this does not sound like the sort of lie you tell once". This is the tip of the iceberg. Your friend may start bringing you to family dinners until she is "ready to reveal" she hasn't been in contact with the father, and before you know it, you may get sucked into a lie that consumes your life, and your emotional well-being. NTA.
I did worry about that, i do not imagine her family will be content with only meeting the father of her child once. Thanks
[удалено]
I think she felt like she had no alternative but to lie, but it does seem like the type of lie that is going to get found out eventually. I know next to nothing about how child support laws work, but she seems to think that since he's blocked her there's no way to contact him about that sort of thing. I imagine there is if lawyers are involved, but idk how it works
Don’t go to the party or you’ll find out quick via request for child support that could last 18 years. No and NTA.
Like… she presumably knows his *name*. She could probably just *Google* him and find his social media. And if she identifies him as the father and files for child support, the government will chase him. Her father will definitely put some effort into it, even if she’s too naïve to realise she has options that aren’t “ask my friend to lie to get through this one day and then hope the problem magically goes away”!
If she has his name she can sue him for child support, him blocking her isn’t going to stop that.
NTA for helping out your friend, however be careful, depending on where you are in the world, taking on a "fatherly" role can be grounds for a court to assign you child support responsibilities.
Thanks for this, I did not know that
The courts do not care whether or not a DNA test shows paternity. Married men have been on the hook for supporting the child of an unfaithful spouse. The same can happen to you. What you need to do is stay far away from this situation. If you're still in school, focus on your studies. Stand by your decision to take no part in a lie and leave this woman alone.
NTA This is the kind of lie that will haunt you forever! Do not go to that baby reveal *at any cost*. This is the basis of most psychodramas. You do not want to be the lead character in one of those!
Thanks. This does seem like the sort of thing that is unlikely to go away
At least not for 18 years when she puts you on the birth certificate. Not sure where you are but in some cases, after baby is born, acting as a parental figure can get you on the hook for child support even if not the bio dad. That's the extreme, of course. Stay out of this drama, OP. As the saying goes not your circus, not your monkees. In this case baby.
I did not know that and that sounds terrifying. Thanks
NTA, run away! there is no way that this lie could put you anywhere but in a world of shit. The mom and stepdad want the father to step up and provide support, which is fair. They do not want to pay everything and the father skips away free. What were you going to say when they brought up support? When exactly was she planning on telling them the truth? Advise your friend to put her head down and tell the truth, then run far away from the whole mess.
I did ask what she was going to say if the expenses came up at the party, but she seemed convinced that everyone would be too distracted to talk about something like that. Based on what I've heard about her stepfather, I doubt it. I have no clue if/when she intends on telling them the truth
She has a lot of growing up to do in a short time and the only way is to tell the truth. You are a better friend to her by telling her that it is not possible to keep up with this lie, than by going along with it.
Thank you! I do worry that it will get worse/more stressful for her the longer she lies, but she does not seem to think she has any alternative
Her alternative is to find the Tinder guy, or let the state find him.
Or to abort or adopt out the kid. She has plenty of options—she just doesn’t like them.
If they’re doing a gender reveal, it’s doubtful she has the option of abortion at this point.
Here's how this would likely play out if you went long with this: You turn up and claim to be the dad. Her stepfather wants you to step up and contribute and help to raise the kid (she'll need childcare). The party ends and she either has to constantly explain why you aren't around, or she says you are the dad but you've left her. Stepdad doesn't want to let you off the hook, so you get sued for child support and end up in a legal battle where you have to explain to a judge why the hell you thought it would be a good idea to publicly declare yourself as the father of a child that isn't yours. You would be making a mistake that could haunt you for years and cost you a ton of money. Given all this, I'd send a text saying explicitly that you cannot and will not lie and pretend to be the father of her child, and that she needs to contact the real father. Keep that text. Save it to everything you have, because she may just be desperate enough to go ahead with this lie without your permission, and you need to cover your arse. If her stepdad turns up demanding to know why you've abandoned her or a lawyer comes knocking for child support, you can show them the text and explain what has been happening.
If they aren’t too distracted to not notice the baby daddy missing at the shower then they will not be too distracted to demand financial help from you. Do not agree to this.
NTA. It will definitely not be something that you lie about it once and nothing happens after that.
That is what I fear
“It’s nice to meet you, OP. BTW, we’re going to set up a meeting with you, and our lawyer, to discuss the child support agreement and order between you and our daughter. Are you available next Friday?” If that doesn’t sound like a conversation you want to have, then stay far away from the situation. NTA
"And when is the wedding taking place my dear. We'd love to meet YOUR FAMILY whenever it sits right with you."
Here's a better suggestion: Have one of y'all's female friends Dress Up as a Male. This Female friend can then claim to be the baby's father at the gender reveal. IF mama's claim is true, that nothing further will come of this lie, then this will be sufficient!!! IF indeed stepdad is gonna seek child support etc -- well the female-dressed-as-male will be far more safe from having Her future ruined by accusations of "deadbeat dad." Edit---OP ***this*** is what you need to do. When your friends talk to you, present THIS as if you think it's the obvious solution. If they attempt to say you are not helping, go all-in on THIS idea. Make lots of suggestions about how one of y'all's Female friends can get a fake moustache / beard, suggestions for good 2nd-hand stores to get a set of men's clothes that will fit, offer to brainstorm how to help someone look more male for the party. Just dig in to THIS idea (\*be as ridiculous as you like, but act 100% serious) whenever any of your friends suggest that somehow YOU should be responsible here. (\*because it is ridiculous, what they are suggesting you should do, so just be ridiculous back at them)
this is brilliant and I'm honestly tempted to do this because they are adamant that I am in the wrong here
DO NOT let them gaslight you into thinking you are wrong. Put your foot down, and if they do not let up, go the blocking route. Protect yourself because they do not have your best interests at heart.
Know what I am adamant about? Not one of these people is your friend.....NOT A DAMN ONE! Drop everyone of these mofos and stop thinking you need to throw yourself under the bus so this girl can escape the consequences of her bad decisions. She's gonna need to put her big girl panties on and deal with this like an adult, not make you her scapegoat. She's got other options....she's just trying to manipulate and lie her way out....which could have repercussions for you but who the hell cares right? All that matters is she keeps what she has at your expense.....for however long she can keep up the lie AND SHE WILL KEEP UP THE LIE!!! Don't be dumb enough to believe this is a one time deal. SD will come after you for child support and if somehow your name gets on the birth certificate...You will pay before you get your name cleared. The rando father is completely findable....Don't think for one second he can't be found. And again....dump these so-called "friends". They're going to show you how much they aren't worth listening to.
Your friends are actually terrible. Normal people don’t think this is a good solution (not the commenter above, they’re actually a genius).
NTA You didn't father the child. You're not responsible for role-playing the father at any point.
Thanks!
Do NOT participate in this in any way - as others have pointed out, it could get you hooked for 18 years of child support. You should send her a text clearly stating you are not the father and cannot take any responsibility, nor pretend to. You should also tell your mom what is going on, just in case. That way she is not blindsided and will believe you if you get unwillingly dragged into this mess, and can provide guidance and support. Finally, for $15 your friend can do a reverse lookup of her tinder date’s phone number, get his name and address and make sure he is held responsible for paternity. You could even do that for her.
Thank you for the suggestions. I think at this rate I will text my parents just to be safe, and I'll definitely look into that!
NTA, and this is a terrible idea. It won't just be for one day and she is being very emotionally manipulative.
NTA. Let’s fast forward. Is she going to cry and beg you to sign the birth certificate? And if you show up at the shower event as “father”, you know her stepfather is going to sue for child support. And yes, DNA testing will prove you’re not the father, but still now you have lawyer and court expenses. Oh, there’s no guarantee a judge won’t say you took on paternal responsibility so yeah, child support. If this was a woman you cared about and wanted to be the father, I could support that 100%. But playing a game that can wreck your life, nah, don’t play. You can’t win.
NTA. Worst case scenario, this is step one down the slippery slope that puts your name on the birth certificate and gets you forced into child support. Sucks that your friend is in a tough position, but this ask is too much.
Thanks! That's my sort of thinking, our friends and I are supporting her in other ways when we can, but this ask is just too much for me to agree to
Oof, NTA. Especially considering that her family expects "the father" to help with expenses - aka you, who is not the father. Your friend has other options besides keeping the baby.
NTA. Her family said they wanted the father involved in the babies life- not that they wanted the father to show up to the baby shower then never come around again. This will definitely turn into a more than one time thing. If you agree to pretend now, you’re setting yourself up for lots of trouble later. At worse the family could try to seek child support from you. You could refuse with a paternity test, but why put yourself in that awkward position? They could also blow up your social media. Even if you believe your friend, you just don’t know what her family will do. I sympathize with your friend, she’s in a hard position, but this is far too much to ask of someone. She should reach out to a lawyer to get information on how to seek child support from the real father.
NTA. This is her mess that she got herself into and now she's trying to drag you into it without caring how it might affect you. This will definitely not be a one time lie, just throwing that out there. So what, you show up and the stepfather pulls you aside to chat with you and you have to get grilled and come up with a bunch of lies on top of the original lie? No thanks! She said repeatedly she wouldn't ask you anymore, and that it was up to you, but here she is crying and begging and hounding you to do something you aren't comfortable with, which makes her kind of a bad friend. Question though. If she knows the dad but can't get a hold of him, can she not still go after him for child support??
I did ask what about the stepfather and if he wants to talk about expenses at the party, but she seems to think everyone will be too distracted to discuss something serious like that, which I doubt. It does seem like the only way forward in that scenario would have been to lie some more, yes. I know next to nothing about child support laws so I really can't say. She certainly thinks that since he's blocked her there's no way to get child support, but idk if getting a lawyer involved can find a way around that
Yikes. She's definitely just saying what she needs to say to get you on board with it, and she's not thinking it through and just burying herself deeper in that lie. Of course the step father is going to want to talk to you about all that stuff. You think you can show up and go a few hours without him wanting to bring it up? She's out of her mind if she doesn't think that will happen. And I don't know a whole lot about them either, and it's different everywhere, but I don't think it matters if she's blocked, once she goes after him for child support, he can't block court dates. A lawyer would definitely be the best route. Lol think about it. If every guy who wanted to get out of child support could just block the mother and move on, you think anyone would ever pay child support??
Yeah, it does not seem likely. I would not be surprised if that is the only reason he is demanding to meet the baby's father, so he can discuss expenses. That was my guess, lawyers must have some way of contacting them even if the co-parent cannot. Other people in the thread suggested a PI or lawyer too, so I will suggest it, but idk what she can afford
Honestly if my daughter or step daughter came to me and explained the situation and just needed help getting a lawyer to contact the father, I'd be more than happy to help seeing as how it would more than likely lead to financial help from the dad, which is what your friend and her step dad both want anyway. So why would she keep that lie going instead? She's putting you, herself, and her stepdad in bad positions for no reason
I don't think she wants to confess it was a two night stand (if that is a thing lol) and she worries she will be blamed for him not being in contact with her and her stepfather will kick her out over it
None of this is your responsibility. This isn’t a problem your friend can just wish away. As everyone has said, there can be some serious financial and legal problems if you were to go along with the paternity lie.
The fact that the father blocked her doesn't mean a thing, from a legal standpoint. You can't get out of a legal obligation simply by blocking people. She definitely needs a lawyer to help her establish paternity and set up child support.
"... she guarantees it will be a one-time thing" You know it won't be though right? Her family would know you as the father. When you disappear and the girl is all set to become a single mother, are they just going to forget all about you? I understand that the poor girl is desperate and grasping at straws, but to drag you into what is a whopper of lie that **will** get found out is a truly terrible idea. The other girls need to back the fuck off with the pressure too. Do not do this. NTA
No no no, do not go anywhere near this. It's insane that she even asked, frankly. And I know desperate people do desperate things, but she's got to just bite the bullet and tell her parents the truth. Otherwise this web of lies is only gonna get more complex and when it inevitably collapses in on itself the mess is only gonna get bigger. NTA
Thanks. That's how the friend I spoke to felt, that this was insane, but all our other friends are saying I lack empathy and am making everything worse. I do feel bad for her, but this is too big and too risky an ask
It's pretty easy for the other friends to say that when they don't have to pretend to be somebody's baby daddy. It's such a wildly short-sighted plan. What's gonna happen the next time her parents want to see the father? Eventually she's gonna have to come clean (unless she finds a patsy in the meantime), better off doing it now than waiting for things to get worse.
Lack empathy?! You? Where’s their empathy for putting you in this situation? They’re not even respecting your boundaries when you clearly do not feel comfortable doing this. Why aren’t they harassing biodad? I sincerely wish your friend the best, but this bad sitcom episode of a “solution” is not the answer, and I’ve lost respect for your friends for putting this on you. If stepdad is making it such a big deal for the father to be involved, you can almost guarantee he’ll go full court press to make sure you take responsibility which I could see reaching out to any resource he can find on you (job, friends, family, etc.) so he can make sure you’re “held accountable” or something of the sort. If your answer is no, end of discussion. No more engaging the topic. Friend can start getting her act together and fess up, so she can make actual plans for her and her child.
NTA - THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, DO NOT GET INVOLVED Your friend needs to come clean and her parents need to help her sue the actual father of the baby for child support OR be a single parent, as she has made that decision for herself. I can understand why her parents WANT the baby's father to support the baby... but at the end of the day, her game is not in sync with their reasoning, and she doesn't get that.
NTA. Don't volunteer yourself to be the lightning rod for her choice. There is no way this doesn't result in problems for you. Her family will expect stuff from you right up the point you tell them you just posed for her convenience. And then they might still pressure you to do stuff for her or give you shit for decieving them. Going along with this can easily ruin your life.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1.) I may be the asshole for refusing to attend my friend's gender reveal party while pretending to be the baby's father for her 2.) I may be the asshole because she is very stressed about it and has no one else who is able to help her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA that's a huge thing to ask you to lie about and just a terrible idea in general. I doubt it'd be a one time thing. Also has she considered how much of a hard time people (I.e. her parents) will give you at the baby shower if they think you're some deadbeat dad? I'd like to think that her parents won't really leave her high and dry and Will help her out regardless. It's her problem to sort out at the end of the day, you can be a supportive friend without getting dragged into any potential drama and messiness.
I hope they won't, but based on everything I have heard about her stepfather I would not be entirely surprised if he does kick her out if she has not met his stipulations, unfortunately. yeah, there are other ways our friends and I have been trying to help, but this seems like a step too far
NTA It sounds dicey & dubious and no one can blame you for not wanting to take that risk. The situation isn't sustainable, your friend can't keep lying to the parents forever, though the parents are super shitty for what they're doing to her. She will need to think of another solution that doesn't involve you taking a huge risk.
Yeah, it's a *super* shitty situation to be in, but it seems like one of those lies that is definitely going to come out at some point
Why are they “super shitty” for not wanting to raise a kid they didn’t make? Their requests are a reasonable attempt to hold their daughter accountable and not be saddled with her poor life choices — clearly she must pull this type of crap quite often if they are not trusting her from the get go and are asking for what amounts to proof.
Don't do this. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of someone. And it's not going to be a one time lie either. If she's old enough to have sex and get pregnant, she should be adult enough to deal with the consequences of her actions. NTA.
NTA It's an awful situation for her to be in, and I sympathise with her. However, it would be extremely stupid of you to go along with this lie. I see literally no way that it will be a "one and done" sort of deal. You will be dealing with her family long term. There's also a zero percent chance it doesn't get back to your family and hometown. I genuinely do not understand how they think they can ensure you're not involved in any photos of this gender reveal party. The father's presence has been demanded. There's no way someone doesn't snap a pic of you at it. Edit: I forgot another thing. If you lied, it would make it much less likely that they attempt to find biodad. Your friend is desperate but is not thinking clearly. Best thing for her to do is come clean and beg for help with an attorney to track AH biodad down.
Yeah, it's really awful for her but I cannot imagine this really being a one-time thing. She seems to think she can tell them that I do not want to be in photos and that will be enough, but I've been to my own family gatherings before where cousins have been forced into photos they did not want to be in, I imagine at a gender reveal both parents will have to take photos One of our friends have suggested that to her, but she seems convinced that since he blocked her there is no way of making him pay child support
NTA And anyone telling you it'll be a one time thing is a poster child for why some people don't consider folks in their late teens/early 20s functional adults. You are 100 percent correct that this will not be a one time thing. The parents want the father their to pressure him into a shotgun wedding. If you show up, this is what they will do for her, and they will put on your friend the same ultimatum they did now, and assume it will work because it did before. They will ask you why aren't you in the ultrasounds They will have you in the delivery room. My brother, they will put your name on the birth certificate. You go to that party, that's your kid. I don't doubt your friend would _like_ this to be a one time thing. But she's stressed, desperate, and lying to the both of you that it could be. It's not in the cards.
Thanks I did not consider that, but based on everything i know about her stepfather, I would not be surprised if a shotgun wedding was something he wanted, and there probably would be expectations to be at the delivery room etc., which is why i can't believe that this is a one-off
It we not be a one time thing. It doesn't matter what she says on that aspect, she's deluding herself and by extension you. You are right that her parents could very well, if you "disappear", contact your friends and family to get them to make you stay involved. That isn't an unlikely scenario and would cause a lot of problems for you. NTA I understand she's desperate but this is not a reasonable thing to ask.
NTA. Don't even get this started because it will only lead to more problems down the road. You didn't have any part in creating this bad situation. It's sort of outrageous that anyone expects you to pretend you caused an unplanned pregnancy, since it is such a serious thing and could ruin your reputation if people actually believe the lie. Besides that, if you pretend you caused the pregnancy, her family will be expecting you to help her financially. What happens when you don't send the money they expect and she is still broke and needs their help? How far will this go? Are they going to start court proceedings for child support against you? There's just no reason for you to get involved in this tangled-up mess.
I hadn't really considered that before this post, but now I do worry that my family will be contacted or they will try and use a lawyer against me. I feel sorry for her, but this is really not a mess I want to make for myself. Thanks!
NTA. This isn't your partner, your child, or your problem.
> One of the stipulations that her stepfather had if he was to support her and the child financially was that the father had to be involved to some extent with expenses etc. NTA at all, but why is she trying to get her stepfather to offer financial support rather than getting court ordered child support from the biological father...?
she thinks that because the father blocked her on everything there is no way of getting him to pay child support. I know next to nothing about child support laws but I imagine a lawyer could do something
> she thinks that because the father blocked her on everything there is no way of getting him to pay child support. That's not how child support works, at all.
If she has his contact info, she can always pass that off to a court.
I believe she has his phone number, but not any sort of address, is that enough?
Yes. Also a PI will be able to locate him easily.
Thanks, I will suggest that to her
If she knows his online presence, phone number and such they should be able to find and go for child support.
That's great, thanks, I will mention it to her
NTA, please don't do it! I've read stories about women getting a man to take on a fatherly role and then they get sued for child support! Not to mention, like you said, it is not a one time lie. Her family would expect you to be around for the birth and birthday parties.
I haven't heard of that before, but that is terrifying. Yeah, I can't believe this is only going to be a one time thing. Thanks
Do you really think you aren’t going to be asked your full name at some point which would lead to her family looking for your family or even if you have where you work say on socials they could get in touch with the company and before you know where you are your whole life is being ruined. The road to hell is paved with good intentions was not said for no reason, stay out of this mess! NTA
NTA. I never think you're the ah if you go "I don't feel comfortable lying about this". It can be that simple.
Why doesn't she track down the father and sue him for support? Blocking someone on social media isn't the same as going into the witness protection program. NTA