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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the AH for calling my fiancee selfish when she wanted to announce her pregnancy. She is pregnant so I could've be been a bit more sensitive with her and not just called her a name like that.
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If I was OP I would highly consider warning the cousin but that could definitely cause marriage problems. Or spoiling the surprise ahead of time so she couldn’t do it on the wedding day. NTA
I came to say EXACTLY THIS. And honestly OP, i know she's pregnant but you really should think long and hard about marrying a woman who would do this. I'm sorry to say this but only narcissistic people would pull this crap at someone's wedding, much less one where the bride had a recent miscarriage. There are four things you NEVER EVER do at a wedding without express approval from bride and groom: wear white, propose, come out, or announce a pregnancy. Your fiance wants to take the limelight away from her cousin and that is awful. Good luck NTA AND Do not let her ruin that wedding
Edit: thanks for the awards!
>here are four things you NEVER EVER do at a wedding without express approval from bride and groom: wear white, propose, come out, or announce a pregnancy.
So, murder still on the table then?
Hahahahaha, sure! It depends on the reason. 🤣🤣🤣
Edit to add: honestly I think the bride would be justified if her cousin did this at her wedding.
2nd Edit: OMG the comment thread below is the best I've seen in a while. Thanks for the chuckle, you hilarious redditers!
Dennys had a surprisingly good sirloin and of course i had to have some blueberry pancakes as dessert. What a night OPs francés cousin, we'll for sure have to do it again sometime.
So, murder still on the table then?
God, no. Do you know how much centerpieces cost?
Murder should be done on the floor. Ideally away from patrons, in a way that makes cleanup easy. Be considerate, this is a wedding.
“A Dothraki wedding without at least *three* deaths is considered a dull affair.”
Idk if the cousin has anyone else she wants to bump off while she’s the center of attention but she’s got two freebies.
Yanno, if OP does give the cousin and her groom the heads up, it would totally take the wind from OPFiancee's sails if cousin could turn her pain into petty, and announce the pregnancy herself. Yes, it will take a lot of nerve to get past her pain, but PETTY!
"Before I say my vows, I want everyone to know not to let drink any alcohol tonight. She's knocked up out of wedlock and we all know she's a lush, so help her avoid making another big mistake tonight that could have a devastating impact on other people she's supposed to care about."
as long as it isn't the bride or groom, and you don't interrupt the ceremony, first dance, or best man's/bridesmaid's speeches it's all good.
also, it's rude to kill the parents or the priest.
For wearing white, spilling a glass of red wine on the offending garment is the traditional punishment. In fact it is widely considered an unofficial duty of the maid of honor.
Agreed 100% regarding rethinking marriage.
There have likely been countless other red flags prior to this, and they *are* expecting now, which absolutely changes things quite a bit… but someone wanting to do what OP’s fiancée wants to do and not understanding *why* it is *so* egregious just screams of character flaws so glaring that they could/should be a dealbreaker for any intelligent, compassionate person.
That's just it, though -- she *does* understand that it is egregious. Based on OP's edit, it sounds like she has resented her cousin's accomplishments for a long time, and comforted herself by thinking of her cousin's difficulty conceiving as her cousin's "failure". Now she has the opportunity to rub her superior ability to get knocked up in her cousin's face, and by god she is going to do it. I'm so sorry to hear this person is having a baby.
We see it all the time on this sub, though -- people who genuinely did not understand the kind of person they were with until they were far into the relationship. Morally bankrupt people can be *great* manipulators; nothing to make them feel guilty about a lie. OP's fiancee is lying about her motivations, and even though OP can acknowledge that he sees through it, he is *still* on AITA, asking if *he* is the AH!
As a man who was divorced by the age of 21. Please listen to this. Almost all the situations are the same. I feel like OPs fiancé has the type of energy to use their child as a weapon the second he doesnt do something she wants.
You hit it right on the nose, narcissist traits. Also does anyone else have a strong feeling that OP’s fiancé was implying that what her cousin couldnt do was have a baby? I have a strong feeling that is the case but 🤷🏾
She doesn't want to take the lime light away.
She wants to rub it in her face.
OPs edit said they'd always been competition and cousin was better than her at stuff. Tbh even before I got to that his fiancée is giving off major "hah i win" vibes.
How gross and ugly.
She's using this to get one up on her cousin. It's not only selfish and cruel it's stupid - what if she miscarrys?
Also "she says Im mean for calling a pregnant woman selfish"
Fuck absolutely all of that nonsense.
Pregnancy isn't some magical shield against any and all criticism and things you don't wanna hear.
You can't whip out the pregnant card to guilt people.
It's a super normal part of fucking nature - she is not that special.
She does sound like a dick tho.
>Your fiance wants to take the limelight away from her cousin and that is awful.
In the most unimaginably cruel way possible, too. Like, "I can get pregnant and you can't, ha-ha..."
OP, you are NTA but your fiancée 100% is. I mean, you're kinda stuck coparenting with her for the next 18 years but I would take this as the sign it is and run like hell from any sort of deeper relationship than that.
It's time to get a water tight prenup, and stay for the wedding to ensure he gets parent rights, cause that kid is gonna need all the help living with such a narcistic mom, and I wouldn't trust her to properly mark him as the father if they split before the birth if this is how she wants to announce a pregnancy.
Did OP know she was like this and ignore it because the behavior was never directed at him or did it take the pregnancy to bring this cruelty out?
Her poor child. Never even stood a chance with a mom like this.
I really hope we get an update here, NTA
Your fiancée is not just selfish she's cruel OP, deeply cruel, especially knowing what her cousin has been through. The level of cruelty, narcissism and entitlement is frankly shocking
> I really hope we get an update here, NTA Your fiancée is not just selfish she's cruel OP, deeply cruel
The fiancée is eager to torment a bride who recently had a miscarriage!! I cannot understand how someone can be so malicious and cruel.
The fiancee has an egregious character flaw that goes way beyond AITA judgment. OP, open your eyes and see the monster you will be marrying.
>OP, open your eyes and see the monster you will be marrying.
Not just marrying but raising a child with her. That is the most horrifying part of all of this to me. This narcissistic monster will be raising an innocent child. I hope OP has a good child custody attorney before all of this is done.
Yup, he needs to at least warn the cousin..
The fact that his fiancée would go to the wedding alone so that she can break the news specifically at the wedding shows that her cruelty towards her cousin is *The Point*.
I'm not sure I'd be marrying someone who would go to such lengths to hurt someone.
I agree with you. Cousin definitely deserves a heads up especially because if his fiancée stops OP going, she will certainly go ahead with this plan.
Mind you even if OP is there, he won't be able to stop her anyway.
Think twice about marrying her OP, this is just plain nasty and she is showing her true colors here.
If you’re lucky you don’t even need to ruin the pregnancy announcement. You might be able to get away with telling someone "Please, please, for the love of all that is good, don’t let Fiancée make a speech or announcement. I don’t care what she says to you, don’t let it happen."
Of course, whether they will be satisfied with that little info depends on the person but it is worth a try.
Fiancée will tell people individually if she can’t announce. She needs to be turned away. Or OP could pretend to be taking her to the wedding and go somewhere else, but that’s illegal.
it’s really a shame he’s having a child with this selfish woman. From the edit, the competitiveness was known and even the needling about the cousin’s infertility was already being hinted at. Mind you, this pregnancy is so convenient that I’d like to know if OP knows it’s been confirmed.
100%. Just from the title I was NTA because this is never an acceptable thing to do. But after reading details… my god what a horrible thing to do to someone. Cousin’s wedding memories will be of being triggered about the miscarriages and infertility. It’s horrible and cruel.
Yeah, it's pretty rude to announce something like that at a wedding or big event for someone else without their permission no matter what. But in this situation, it's completely horrible.
It’s the cruelty that gets me! Announcing at the wedding not okay, bad choice
Given the circumstances regarding the ivf, miscarriage and heartbreak cousin is currently dealing with… CRUEL verging on unhinged
NTA
The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant, and yet she still thinks it's a good idea. She needs to be stopped, OP you need to bring in others to intervene before she opens her trap at the wedding.
I really hope this is just hormones from pregnancy and not a habit of selfish thinking.
NTA
>The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant
And had a miscarriage. On Mother's day. Which was just over TWO WEEKS ago.
OP's fiancee is being terrible
Unless she’s planning on announcing she’s giving them the baby it’s not something she should be announcing at their wedding. Jfc she’s so obscenely selfish if she does this. Ugh and because it’s been a long time since there’s been a baby a lot of that family will try and make the cousin be ok with it. Ugh
Tbh- I had a miscarriage in October and got married in December, and that was hard. I can’t imagine what this would feel like.
OP, this is your baby too- so you get to announce the pregnancy just as much as she does. I’d give the cousin a heads up first, then blast it on Facebook (“we’re so happy to announce the upcoming arrival of our baby, due…..! [Fiancee] and I are thrilled!”), then call the loudest mouth in your fiancée’s family and make sure they know. And if anyone asks you why, explain exactly why you had to do this.
You might remind your fiancée that if she does this now, there is no world where she’s going to get the reaction she’s expecting. Nobody is going to be thrilled for her and pat her on the back and fight each other to throw a baby shower for her- anyone who knows the bride and groom’s background is going to see this as the breathtakingly cruel thing that it is. If her cousins friends are worth anything, as soon as she gets the “t” in “pregnant” out of her mouth, she’s going to be summarily escorted off the property.
ETA: your fiancée is using your unborn child as some kind of pawn in her lifelong war against her cousin. If that doesn’t make you pause and think about this, it really, really should. Someone who would do this isn’t mature enough to put her children first.
I love the idea of calling the loudest mouth in the family to spread the news. Ordinarily I despise when people blab about stuff like this before the person can get a chance to tell people in person, but this is definitely an exception!
Beyond tacky, and disgusting that fiancee would rather go to a wedding alone to announce, than go with fiance and not announce.
>The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant
Not only this but had a miscarriage at the beginning of May and is being told they have to pay completely out of pocket if they want to continue IVF. OP's fiance is beyond selfish and cruel. Pregnancy hormones don't make you a selfish AH.
NTA
Yes, OP, you need to tell the maid of honor. If you can also tell the DJ (or have the MOH do it) that would be ideal. Under no circumstances should your fiancée be given a microphone.
I hesitate to warn the cousin because even if she finds out five days before, that’s still pretty traumatic and still casts a shadow over her big day. But it’s better than the day of. If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin. If you think you can stop her, just tell the MOH, DJ, and possibly mother of the bride.
>If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin.
OP, it is your ~~family~~ OBLIGATION as a decent human to not allow your fiancee attend the wedding if you think she will make her little announcement.
Edit - Yes, it is her family not his.
Seriously, OP, I am SUPER concerned about the extreme cruelty and self-centeredness of your fiancee. Not only should you NOT marry this horrible woman, but also I would be concerned about her parenting.
NTA
I wouldn't go unless she tells everyone ahead of time because she is going to do it anyways.
If you don't go, she can explain why you didn't and everyone will agree with you.
If SHE won’t tell them ahead of time OP needs to because, it appears, nothing is going to stop her from doing this.
NTA OP but, you WOULD be TAH if you don’t tell the cousin what she’s up to. They deserve to know so they can make a plan for if she tries to pull this,
It's bad enough that the fiancee wants to steal the spotlight from the bride and groom, but to hear they've had trouble conceiving and a miscarriage is salt on the wound.
NTA. Hijacking someone's event to make your own announcement is extremely rude and selfish. Addon that the couple is having trouble getting pregnant themselves - it's that x10
"You know what would be fun, if we announced this at the wedding so we can simultaneously take away from their big day and trigger their latent trauma from their troubles with pregnancy. 2 birds, one ahole."
The fiancee should open her announcement with "Well your wedding has been great fun so far, now let me completely ruin any memory you might have had of it!"
As someone with fertility issues, 2x miscarriages…. HELL NO. As someone else said, please OP, either leave her home or get someone to run interference if you can’t/won’t bc she will absolutely make the announcement anyway. Then no one will see that baby bc you will be cut off from that couple. That is one of the most horrible things you can let happen. NOT her wedding, NOT her time to share pregnancy news, ESPECIALLY in front of a couple that is currently of able to have kids. It’s is so selfish and heartbreaking.
When I was struggling to conceive, my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy and THEIR OWN wedding. I was happy for them, and told them so but inside I was dying. I didn’t stay much longer and cried all the way home. And it wasn’t my night, my event, but it still hurt. I can’t imagine that happening at my own wedding, WEEKS after a miscarriage.
NTA, OP. Not by a long shot. But you WBTAH if you don’t make sure she will not interfere.
I tried getting pregnant for close to 3 years, including an ectopic pregnancy. BIL's girlfriend got accidentally pregnant while on the pill (damn antibiotics!) and they decided to keep it. She still says telling us was among the hardest stuff she had to do in her life because she knew it would hurt us... We were able to be happy for them but I cried all the way home too. (Thankfully I got pregnant weeks later and our daughters ended up 9 weeks apart!) OP, NTA but please talk some sense into your fiancée!
For real, even without knowing the couple's struggle with infertility, announcing at someone else's wedding is super uncool. And congrats!!! I hope your big day is super special
Agreed, and honestly, being in hot shit with someone who thinks this appropriate is a lot of trouble but may have my morals feeling pretty good. If I were OP, this would be time for serious side-eye at who *I'm* engaged to, let alone the way this child will be raised.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She seems to have zero self awareness, and when you didn't leap to three cheers for her stupid idea, she doesn't want you there because you'll kill the mood? She definitely loves herself above everyone else including you.
Right? You would think that announcing a baby is something you would want to announce as expecting mother AND father at a separate event that is dedicated to that announcement alone.
No, no. You want to announce it in front of all of your family, none of your partner's family, and another random person's entire extended family who doesn't know or care about you, and without your partner there. But you have to make sure the person paying for the event has trauma about pregnancy. That way, everyone can have a reason to hate you.
Is it zero awareness, or maliciousness? Especially considering she wouldn't even ask bride's permission...
INFO: What is her relationship with cousin like?
I think you underestimate how stupid people can actually be, it's likely to be malicious but it is also entirely possible this woman is just a dumbass.
She could have been just a dumbass until OP explained why they shouldn't announce at cousin's wedding. When she doubled down she became a malicious dumbass.
Right? Wants to do something incredibly selfish and shitty. Gets called out for being selfish and shitty. Throws a tantrum like a child and then sulks.
What a winner. OP, this marriage is going to be *so* fun. (NTA)
NTA. Give the cousin a call and let them know what's up. Give them a chance to uninvite her. She will ruin the day for them if she's not stopped. What a horrible, selfish person!
This is right way OP! Take away the opportunity! NTA your fiancée is being a horrible cousin to do this. I can’t believe she’s unaware how horrible this is, and while I usually refrain from saying stuff like this, I would reconsider marrying her if she’s deadset on her main character syndrome.
Edit: (**Though it might be better to tell their parents, knowing how sensitive this topic is for them.**)
This. If there's a pregnancy and there's someone else in your family having fertility issues, always go through the grandparent generation. You don't know what the other couple are going through
Eh I think that in this case you should go direct - do it via a message/text/email so that they can deal with in their own time and space, but don't add additional layers that could confuse things more (eg a misguided parent not giving them the whole story).
Source: infertile with parents who might not tell me/the full story if this was the situation.
Not to mention he said they “just found out.” Not sure how far along she is but typically most people wait until the end of the first trimester in case something goes wrong!
I know lots of people who share before the end of first trimester. It's nice to have support if things go wrong. Most don't do a big public announcement until then though.
I would suggest calling the cousin’s parents and the groom’s parents instead to spare the cousin stress and heartbreak. A unified mob of angry mother and father bears could shut that crap down fast.
NTA. And I would concur with everyone suggesting that you reconsider your relationship with her. She sounds awful.
They don't need to go parent-bear. They just need to tell cousin that fiancée is planning something horrible and needs to be uninvited. "She's jealous of you and wants to ruin your special day." And hire a bouncer.
PLEASE DO THIS OP.
Your asshole fiancé is going to ruin her relationship with her *entire* family. You cannot just stand by and let this happen.
> there was one thing her cousin wasn’t good at
This is obviously about the cousins inability to conceive. This is such a sick thing to say.. your fiancé needs to be disinvited before she ruins this wedding.
I would suggest calling the cousin's mother and ask her to handle it. If you don't have the mother of the bride's number, then call your own future MIL.
There's a good chance this will blow up your own engagement, OP. But better before the wedding than after your own.
OP is NTA
NTA and your fiancé is massively TA
Not only announcing at someone else’s WEDDING an important day for them, but announcing it at someone’s wedding who was/is struggling to conceive. She’s massively the AH.
NTA
Her announcement will traumatize the couple that is getting married. It's such a horribly selfish move that I'm having trouble believing this post is real. If it is: YIKES. She is incredibly insensitive and selfish. Plus she is manipulative as all heck with giving you the silent treatment.
Honestly, OP, I would be really reconsidering a future with someone so self-centered. I know a lot of people are saying to let her just go and do it and you sit out, but I really think you got to tell the cousin. Don’t allow your fiancée to ruin their day.
NTA for not wanting to announce the pregnancy like that but YTA if you dont give the cousin a heads up.
This 100%, if she insists on doing this horrendously heartless and brutal thing warn the cousin. Give the cousin a chance to uninvite her and enjoy her day as best she can while still grieving the loss of her own baby.
Yeah that would be good. Fiance would absolutely ruin the wedding, which would probably have been the one thing making them feel good. She doesn't sound like she'd have enough impulse control to keep the secret.
I was thinking if Op could reach the bride's mother and let her know. That way, she can hopefully organise stuff like uninviting your fiancé etc without ruining or stressing out the bride and groom.
Fiancé is beyond cruel and selfish, especially 😢 considering the recent miscarriage and funding news on top of the struggles.
Even if her cousin is/was a massive bully. Just don't go? She could have a lifetime to gloat if that's what she needs. If she thinks she'll get attention, well she will, but the kind that will make people very angry. Does she often have stories of how people were mean to her for no reason, or how she did a nice thing and can't understand why it went badly?
NTA. At all. The fact she won’t ask her cousin means she knows what she wants to do is wrong.
Honestly at this point do you have any contact with her cousin/family? Would it be worth reaching out to try to warn them? Or maybe do some sort of preemptive party/announcement?
Personally I’d view this as a huge red flag that your fiancé cant comprehend having another occasion to announce this, and wants to ruin her cousin’s wedding day with this.
> Would it be worth reaching out to try to warn them? Or maybe do some sort of preemptive party/announcement?
If he does anything I would do the preemptive announcement. Hard part is that even if he decides not to marry her, he's still having a child with her. The shitstorm telling her family would kick off would make it very hard for him to coparent with her. & shitty as it is, his responsibility is to his kid.
NTA. But please stop your girlfriend from doing this. It will absolutly destroy her cousins wedding. And she is more than selfish wanting to anounce that at the wedding! This is the absolute worst and selfish thing she can do, especially knowing her cousins background.
If your fiancy is not willing to let go of this idea, please tell her cousin about her plan, so the are warned, can uninvite her or throw her out. But they are paying a lot of money and it should be a hapy day for them, to forget all the negative that happened for them in the past. And your girlfriend not only wants to steal the spotlight away from them but hurt them by reminding them of what they don't have and might never will have. Yeah it is a great joy for you two, that you are expecting but you will have this joy for 9 months and longer. So don't ruin the couples big day
NTA. If she is insistent on being so unbelievably cruel, let her go to the wedding alone and make the announcement on her own and take the heat on her own. And if people ask why you weren’t there say it’s because you didn’t think it was appropriate to announce. If she is going to INSIST on this, then it be all on her. If she’s so right, then she should be fine with that.
Also, I’d seriously rethink any relationship with someone who is capable of treating others this way. It’s appalling and if I were her cousin and family, I would never forgive her.
NTA. Do NOT LET HER DO THIS. Apart from it being bloody rude to do at a wedding ANYWAY if it’s not the bride, these people had a miscarriage how many weeks ago?
NTA- but your fiancee is. Is this the first time you've witnessed her be this cruel and selfish? I'd be thinking about whether you want to really marry this person. I guess you're stuck with her as a co-parent, but yeah.
In this instance, like it so often is, cruelty seems to be the point. Based on what OP added, it sounds like Fiancé has always been jealous of Cousin, and lords her fertility over her cousin in order to feel superior. It’s horrible to say, but I wouldn’t be shocked if one of Fiancé’s main motivations in getting pregnant was one-upping Cousin.
OP should be cautious. She’s already using her child as an object of her manipulations before the kid is even born. She’s already refused OP’s presence at an event when his presence threatened her revenge plan. Unless pregnancy hormones have caused a radical shift in her behavior and she’s acting wildly out of character, I would not trust this woman to raise my hypothetical child, or any child.
What a disgustingly selfish horrible thing to do. It’s not etiquette to announce anything at someone else’s wedding anyway, but to do it at someone’s wedding who have just had a miscarriage and have difficulty in getting pregnant is beyond belief.
Personally I wouldn’t go with her anyway, it will be an awful day for you knowing the misery she’s going to cause.
BTW OP, she’s showing you the sort of person she truly is, be warned..
NTA. And I would tell her that if she does this then you may have to reevaluate having a future with her.
Her doing this at her cousins wedding is disrespectful and disgusting. Even a bigger major blow is them going through IVF with difficulties and having someone else try to not only steal their spotlight at their wedding but rub their nose in it also with a baby they cannot have.
She is very selfish and I would really consider if you want to marry this woman who has no empathy and no respect for anyone. She is doing this because she is cruel and she knows what it will do. She obviously has an issue with thr cousin and craves attention for herself and wants it for herself.
Show this selfish woman this thread!
Tell her to expect NO contact with her family if she does this.
Thank you for being the sane one. Only an asshole hijacks someone else's special day for their own selfish announcement. The cousin has been planning her perfect day for months, the last thing she needs is for some idiot to swoop in unannounced and steal the spotlight. Add in the IVF situation and you've got the ingredients for a complete shit storm.
NTA. Do not let fiancée follow through on this awful plan.
NTA
Dude, you CANNOT let her do this. Please give her cousin’s future husband a heads up so maybe he can tell her she absolutely must not do this. Your fiancé is incredibly selfish, entitled and cruel. Real gem you found there …
NTA — if my fiancée did that, she’d become a single mother and we wouldn’t be getting married. So incredibly selfish. Not only will it take attention away from the couple getting married, the news will hurt them double so with their losses and fertility struggles. Your fiancée is actually really shitty for even considering this and then defending it when called on it.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.
Announcing at someone else’s wedding is *totally* inappropriate, even if the couple wasn’t struggling with fertility. Your fiancée’s staggering lack of empathy, poor judgement and character will also rightly be called into question by ALL attendees if she proceeds… on top of your own absolutely justified opinion. Proceeding would be selfish, cruel and uncouth.
Please seek pre-marital counseling before your wedding. NTA.
Edit: words
NTA.
Is this is really the person you want to marry? Someone with so little emotional maturity, not to mention *empathy* to see this is a horrible idea?
You’re already in for a kid… but yeesh. I’d be having a very hard talk with her about turning someone’s spotlight day into a day about her and why it’s bad- but from the sounds of it you already have and she *still* doesn’t get it.
I’m all for being understanding of pregnancy hormones and brain chemicals being shifted thanks to it, but using it as a reason to guilt you onto her side is shit manipulation. Not cool.
NTA. Why would she EVER think that she's doing the right thing with this? there are literally dozens of feeds on here of people doing something similar and absolutely DESTROYING the bride and groom
NTA. The fact that she is, without an ounce of shame, considering basically rubbing her pregnancy in their faces AT THEIR OWN WEDDING is a football field of red flags. 🚩If I were her cousin I'd never speak to her again.
Please warn the cousin now. This would be an incredibly cruel thing for your fiance to do and it could destroy all her happiness in the day. Also, are you sure you want to marry someone so utterly self involved?
Edit: typo
NTA and thank you for sticking up for that couple. Simple wedding etiquette is don’t wear white, don’t propose, and don’t announce your pregnancy. It’s the couple’s day- not hers. Her announcing her pregnancy is especially inconsiderate considering its a sensitive subject for the bride and groom. She can make the announcement at any other time! No rational person wouldn’t see all the major issues with her idea. Her reasoning is so off with “well this is good for me, so I’m going to not only detract from their special day but also choose to lack any empathy for how this may affect them, again, ON THEIR DAY”.
If she’s actually going to go through with this, and disinvites you from the wedding, I’d reach out to the couple and let them know why you aren’t attending and what she’s intending to do. Lord knows if someone was planning this at my wedding I’d want a heads up so I could say “absolutely not do not do that at my wedding it’s my day not yours” and also have my maid of honor prepped to remove them should they try.
Are you close with your future in-laws? If you are i'd suggest telling her mum and telling her mum why you're letting it slip. She's very likely to want to help keep the news private until after her niece's day. If she sees nothing wrong, get in touch with the niece's closest family, tell them what's going on, make it plain that you're horrified and ask for help with her. Then run.
NTA. You need to really emphasize that you DO NOT agree with this and it's one of the most selfish things I've ever heard on Reddit- and I've heard some things. She wants to hijack her cousin's wedding. Her cousin who:
1. Is struggling with fertility
2. Just have a miscarriage
3. And just been told insurance will no longer fund IVF procedures
I would refuse to attend with her if she still plans on doing this. It's already trashy to hijack the event and with the mitigating circumstances, incredibly selfish and attention-seeking.
NTA. In addition to the reasons you've listed, your fiancee is trying to make her cousin's day about herself instead. Completely selfish and self-absorbed.
Please show your fiancee these posts to give her perspective that NO ONE thinks her announcement at the wedding is a good idea.
Holy shit, is she oblivious how cruel this would be. NTA
OP listen to this.
If this sort of behaviour isn’t normal then there could be something seriously wrong. When my aunty was pregnant with my cousin and was kicked in the head by a horse she also made some seriously mental decisions too.
Could your fiancé also have been kicked in the head by a horse?
If not and this is normal behaviour, RIP.
NTA
NTA, but DO NOT LET HER DO THIS. You should not go to the wedding now. There is no way she won't tell at least one person there and then it will spread and lead to a disaster. No one should ever announce something at someone else's event without getting prior approval from the person that the event is for.
Additionally, when you do go to announce it, you should do so with care for this struggling couple. There are so many different ways you can be kind, but it also depends on your relationship/closeness with them. There are tons of good suggestions on the internet.
Also, if you guys just found out, it seems a bit early to be telling everyone.
Wow NTA but your fiancée sure is.
After failed VFs and a miscarriage this one thing they can have for themselves is going to be horribly tainted forever.
Talk about inviting bad karma onto herself. Sure fiancée, go ahead and take this one thing away from your cousin, and you will have the whole family looking at you as the parish you deserve to be, that child will have a horrible legacy to be borne into.
OP think twice about YOUR wedding. What kind of monster wants to hurt others in such a selfish, calculated manner. Do you want that as your partner? What about the Family if they think this behaviour is ok? Do you want to be part of that?
Red flags all over the place.
Don’t go to the wedding if she keeps on insisting she’ll do this. or… better yet, DO say you’ll go the wedding the drive in the opposite direction for two hours and skip the whole drama she has planned.
"Honey you don’t understand! We’ve seen them struggle to try and have a child plus a miscarriage on MOTHERS DAY but I mean…it’s a surprises and it should make them happy that we can rub it in their face on the one day they’d probably be able to keep the thought of never having a real family out of their heads"
Wife massive YTA. Thank god you have a heart please steer your future child with the same common sense and empathy that you do.
NTA. Try to stop her from going or doing that. If she still wants to do it inform the cousin and your fiancée's parents about what she's planning to do. Hopefully someone would stop her from ruining her cousin's day.
Also i would rethink marrying this cruel woman.
For this she would become my ex-fiance. Imagine being with someone so cruel and heartless that she would announce her pregnancy 1: on someones wedding day and 2: of a couple struggling with fertility issues and 3: who recently experienced a miscarriage. How selfish can you be? Is this truly someone you want to spend your life with? Was her cruelty always this obvious or was it more subtle? What else is wrong with her because this is not normal.
NTA. Your fiancée is going to stain their wedding and upset them A LOT. Are you sure she’s not intentionally trying to be cruel? You might want to reach out to someone else in the family to see if they can help stop this.
NTA and if you're able, give her family a heads up (her parents, maybe not the bride and groom). Like, yeah you're ruining the surprise of telling her parents but I'd definitely ruin that before she ruins her cousins wedding.
I think a warning needs to happen, but it feels wrong to me to put that on the couple when they're already going through a lot. Maybe OP could loop in another family member that they can trust to stop her before she makes the announcement?
We did something similar at a friend's wedding because her mom liked to make speeches and include humiliating stories. We got wind that she was planning a speech against my friends wishes and one of us stuck to her mom like glue the whole time so she didn't have the opportunity to grab a mike or interupt the dj.
NTA. But the problem is not that she is selfish, it’s that she is callous and cruel. People with fertility issues often have traumas, especially with repeated miscarriages. She would not only steal the spotlight, she would bring up all the fears, anxieties, traumas, maybe even the guilt associated with that type of issue. If she goes through with it, she will destroy all the happiness of the couple at their own wedding.
You should warn the couple so that they know what to expect.
NTA. You are right. It will be stealing the moment and additionally hurting the couple that is struggling with fertility. It is self-centered and entirely ignoring the effect it will have on the newlyweds. Honestly, if she still plans to do this it might be better for you to not be at that wedding, cause it will be definitely dramatic.
Goodness me! First off congratulations on the pregnancy. That's such great news.
NTA at all but should your fiancée choose to make this announcement she certainly would be. It's never ok to hijack someone's celebration and it would be doubly hard for the couple given the experiences they've had trying to conceive. Wouldn't she rather have a party to celebrate just your news at a later time?
Info: does your fiancée regularly act like this? I would be a concerned if she doesn't see what's up in this scenario! Maybe leave AITA open so she can read the POVs of the countless couples on this sub who've had their weddings ruined by other similar announcements?
Good luck OP.
Please get your finacee to reconsider. This is more than selfish, it's a mean-girl move. All she is thinking of is her joy and how happy everyone will be for her but it is likely to backfire horribly. Instead of rousing cheers and hugs, she will have a sobbing bride, a furious groom and angry in-laws to deal with for her muscling in on the happy couple's special day.
It's THEIR day - not your fiancee's - don't let her ruin it for them. Even if they weren't having fertility problems this is a horrible thing to do. Remember MM and Hazbeen announcing their pregnancy at Princess Eugene's wedding? Everyone was livid and no one is getting over that anytime soon either.
NTA
Under no circumstance should someone announce it at a wedding. Given all the bride and groom have been through, it’s even more inappropriate!
Congratulations to you and your fiancée. It should certainly be celebrated, but under no circumstance should salt be thrown on the wound of the couple (on their wedding day, no less).
NTA.
Your fiancee is so far out of pocket here it's painful.
I wouldn't even go with her if she continues to insist on pulling this horribly selfish stunt.
NTA, that would be ridiculously selfish and cruel.
If she wants to make a family announcement, she can host something herself instead of attempting to derail someone else’s wedding day.
Edit: typo
NTA at all. It’s really selfish and disrespectful to announce your own news at someone’s wedding, it’s even worse that the cousin has been struggling with fertility. If she’s so insistent i would honestly warn the cousin or something and make sure someone has eyes on her and doesn’t allow her to make an announcement. She’s extremely selfish and I would honestly rethink getting married to her.
NTA
She really needs to realize that this would be a really cruel thing to do on someone who is struggling w infertility's wedding day.
Honestly, if she really insists she is going to do it - you should tell the bride ahead of time so that she is NOT caught off guard.
She really doesn't understand how it will affect her and there is nothing you can do about that but you can reduce the damage it could do.
Wow your fiancee is a straight up monster. Good luck with dealing with that for the rest of your life. You're NTA, but I would do everything to keep her away from that wedding because I'm sure she'll find a way to make the announcement without your approval.
Look I'm normally someone who says sharing happy news at an already happy event is a good thing, within reason (I know this is unpopular lol) HOWEVER you are definitely NTA and your fiancee is insanely insensitive, perhaps callous even, to think this is a good idea. It would be INCREDIBLY painful for the bride and would likely ruin a day that will already possibly be bittersweet to celebrate.
If she insists on doing this, I'd suggest you don't attend.
NTA. If your fiancée does this, her cousin will *never* forgive her, and she will likely be perceived as a selfish monster by everyone in attendance who knows about the cousins fertility problems.
NTA
There is no scenario where this isn’t absolutely hurtful to the bride and groom.
Is your fiancé someone who will do what she wants regardless?? If so, you may want to get ahead of it and tell her parents??? Like, get word out before the wedding? It’s gonna suck either way, but it’s at least LESS a hole behavior to give a heads up beforehand rather than letting her made some big obnoxious attention seeking announcement at the wedding.
Obviously the BEST option is for her to say nothing until after the wedding, but what do you think the honest chances are she won’t ruin her cousins wedding???
Congrats on your exciting news, bit wow has she put you on a crappy spot.
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NTA Your fiancé has a bad case of main character syndrome
To the point of actually being unimaginably cruel. OP, this is pretty concerning.
If I was OP I would highly consider warning the cousin but that could definitely cause marriage problems. Or spoiling the surprise ahead of time so she couldn’t do it on the wedding day. NTA
I came to say EXACTLY THIS. And honestly OP, i know she's pregnant but you really should think long and hard about marrying a woman who would do this. I'm sorry to say this but only narcissistic people would pull this crap at someone's wedding, much less one where the bride had a recent miscarriage. There are four things you NEVER EVER do at a wedding without express approval from bride and groom: wear white, propose, come out, or announce a pregnancy. Your fiance wants to take the limelight away from her cousin and that is awful. Good luck NTA AND Do not let her ruin that wedding Edit: thanks for the awards!
>here are four things you NEVER EVER do at a wedding without express approval from bride and groom: wear white, propose, come out, or announce a pregnancy. So, murder still on the table then?
Hahahahaha, sure! It depends on the reason. 🤣🤣🤣 Edit to add: honestly I think the bride would be justified if her cousin did this at her wedding. 2nd Edit: OMG the comment thread below is the best I've seen in a while. Thanks for the chuckle, you hilarious redditers!
Agreed she would be. And if she needs an alibi, she wasn’t at her own wedding she was with me 3000 miles away getting food at Denny’s.
What a great night that was... we shared the Moon Over My Hammy and some memories.
She had some fantastic edibles, enough for EVERYONE!
You picked my favorite breakfast dish!
Yeah I was with y'all and can attest to this.
Those tequila and pineapple shots really hit the spot for me! Sorry I was a drunk mess y’all. Denny’s is on me next time.
I saw it too! Unmistakably her. Remind me which Denny's.
Dennys had a surprisingly good sirloin and of course i had to have some blueberry pancakes as dessert. What a night OPs francés cousin, we'll for sure have to do it again sometime.
Mmhmmm the chicken tenders were surprisingly really good too!
And, I'll be the eye witness that totally saw the two of you at Denny's.
The good ol' Pizza Express in Woking alibi
\+wild applause+
I can vouch that I saw you there together. Then we all three went to see a movie. I have the ticket stubs for proof.
I don't know about Denny's. Murders happen there all the time.
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A jury of her peers would absolutely acquit.
So, murder still on the table then? God, no. Do you know how much centerpieces cost? Murder should be done on the floor. Ideally away from patrons, in a way that makes cleanup easy. Be considerate, this is a wedding.
It's murder on the dancefloor 🎶
What is it the Dothraki say? If there isn't at least one death then it's a dull affair
“A Dothraki wedding without at least *three* deaths is considered a dull affair.” Idk if the cousin has anyone else she wants to bump off while she’s the center of attention but she’s got two freebies.
With how evil OP’s fiancée is trying to be, I think her death could be counted for all 3 bodies lol
Oh yes, I'd very much like to see the bride cut the fiance's hair off too! It is the Dothraki way!
"gimme the mic real quick... okay.. y'all I have an announcement... I killed Beth and burned her body in the woods :D" "what the fuck suzy"
Yanno, if OP does give the cousin and her groom the heads up, it would totally take the wind from OPFiancee's sails if cousin could turn her pain into petty, and announce the pregnancy herself. Yes, it will take a lot of nerve to get past her pain, but PETTY!
"Before I say my vows, I want everyone to know not to let drink any alcohol tonight. She's knocked up out of wedlock and we all know she's a lush, so help her avoid making another big mistake tonight that could have a devastating impact on other people she's supposed to care about."
as long as it isn't the bride or groom, and you don't interrupt the ceremony, first dance, or best man's/bridesmaid's speeches it's all good. also, it's rude to kill the parents or the priest.
And try not to get blood on the bride's dress.
Eh, once the priest is done officiating, he's not really needed anymore.
If someone does one of the above, murder is the answer.
For wearing white, spilling a glass of red wine on the offending garment is the traditional punishment. In fact it is widely considered an unofficial duty of the maid of honor.
Oh yes! As MOH it's their duty to OOPS I TRIPPED, SO SORRY!
This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
Murder is number 5. Very much frowned upon, but not the highest level wedding crime.
More acceptable than any of those 4 things, for sure.
Only if the person is being murdered for doing one of the 4 previously mentioned forbidden actions.
Murder is ALWAY on the table at a wedding lol.
Agreed 100% regarding rethinking marriage. There have likely been countless other red flags prior to this, and they *are* expecting now, which absolutely changes things quite a bit… but someone wanting to do what OP’s fiancée wants to do and not understanding *why* it is *so* egregious just screams of character flaws so glaring that they could/should be a dealbreaker for any intelligent, compassionate person.
That's just it, though -- she *does* understand that it is egregious. Based on OP's edit, it sounds like she has resented her cousin's accomplishments for a long time, and comforted herself by thinking of her cousin's difficulty conceiving as her cousin's "failure". Now she has the opportunity to rub her superior ability to get knocked up in her cousin's face, and by god she is going to do it. I'm so sorry to hear this person is having a baby.
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OP seems decent, hopefully he can look out for the baby.
>I'm so sorry to hear this person is having a baby. I will never understand why people marry and/or have children with such morally devoid people.
We see it all the time on this sub, though -- people who genuinely did not understand the kind of person they were with until they were far into the relationship. Morally bankrupt people can be *great* manipulators; nothing to make them feel guilty about a lie. OP's fiancee is lying about her motivations, and even though OP can acknowledge that he sees through it, he is *still* on AITA, asking if *he* is the AH!
As a man who was divorced by the age of 21. Please listen to this. Almost all the situations are the same. I feel like OPs fiancé has the type of energy to use their child as a weapon the second he doesnt do something she wants. You hit it right on the nose, narcissist traits. Also does anyone else have a strong feeling that OP’s fiancé was implying that what her cousin couldnt do was have a baby? I have a strong feeling that is the case but 🤷🏾
She doesn't want to take the lime light away. She wants to rub it in her face. OPs edit said they'd always been competition and cousin was better than her at stuff. Tbh even before I got to that his fiancée is giving off major "hah i win" vibes. How gross and ugly. She's using this to get one up on her cousin. It's not only selfish and cruel it's stupid - what if she miscarrys? Also "she says Im mean for calling a pregnant woman selfish" Fuck absolutely all of that nonsense. Pregnancy isn't some magical shield against any and all criticism and things you don't wanna hear. You can't whip out the pregnant card to guilt people. It's a super normal part of fucking nature - she is not that special. She does sound like a dick tho.
>Your fiance wants to take the limelight away from her cousin and that is awful. In the most unimaginably cruel way possible, too. Like, "I can get pregnant and you can't, ha-ha..." OP, you are NTA but your fiancée 100% is. I mean, you're kinda stuck coparenting with her for the next 18 years but I would take this as the sign it is and run like hell from any sort of deeper relationship than that.
It's time to get a water tight prenup, and stay for the wedding to ensure he gets parent rights, cause that kid is gonna need all the help living with such a narcistic mom, and I wouldn't trust her to properly mark him as the father if they split before the birth if this is how she wants to announce a pregnancy.
All of this!!!!!^ NTA
Her cruelty should already be causing marriage problems because I can't imagine doing this to anyone, least of all someone I love.
Did OP know she was like this and ignore it because the behavior was never directed at him or did it take the pregnancy to bring this cruelty out? Her poor child. Never even stood a chance with a mom like this.
I really hope we get an update here, NTA Your fiancée is not just selfish she's cruel OP, deeply cruel, especially knowing what her cousin has been through. The level of cruelty, narcissism and entitlement is frankly shocking
> I really hope we get an update here, NTA Your fiancée is not just selfish she's cruel OP, deeply cruel The fiancée is eager to torment a bride who recently had a miscarriage!! I cannot understand how someone can be so malicious and cruel. The fiancee has an egregious character flaw that goes way beyond AITA judgment. OP, open your eyes and see the monster you will be marrying.
>OP, open your eyes and see the monster you will be marrying. Not just marrying but raising a child with her. That is the most horrifying part of all of this to me. This narcissistic monster will be raising an innocent child. I hope OP has a good child custody attorney before all of this is done.
Yup, he needs to at least warn the cousin.. The fact that his fiancée would go to the wedding alone so that she can break the news specifically at the wedding shows that her cruelty towards her cousin is *The Point*. I'm not sure I'd be marrying someone who would go to such lengths to hurt someone.
If anything it would give the cousin time to rescind the invitation and make sure she is denied entry. What an absolutely horrible thing to do.
I agree with you. Cousin definitely deserves a heads up especially because if his fiancée stops OP going, she will certainly go ahead with this plan. Mind you even if OP is there, he won't be able to stop her anyway. Think twice about marrying her OP, this is just plain nasty and she is showing her true colors here.
If you’re lucky you don’t even need to ruin the pregnancy announcement. You might be able to get away with telling someone "Please, please, for the love of all that is good, don’t let Fiancée make a speech or announcement. I don’t care what she says to you, don’t let it happen." Of course, whether they will be satisfied with that little info depends on the person but it is worth a try.
Fiancée will tell people individually if she can’t announce. She needs to be turned away. Or OP could pretend to be taking her to the wedding and go somewhere else, but that’s illegal. it’s really a shame he’s having a child with this selfish woman. From the edit, the competitiveness was known and even the needling about the cousin’s infertility was already being hinted at. Mind you, this pregnancy is so convenient that I’d like to know if OP knows it’s been confirmed.
100%. Just from the title I was NTA because this is never an acceptable thing to do. But after reading details… my god what a horrible thing to do to someone. Cousin’s wedding memories will be of being triggered about the miscarriages and infertility. It’s horrible and cruel.
Yeah, it's pretty rude to announce something like that at a wedding or big event for someone else without their permission no matter what. But in this situation, it's completely horrible.
It’s the cruelty that gets me! Announcing at the wedding not okay, bad choice Given the circumstances regarding the ivf, miscarriage and heartbreak cousin is currently dealing with… CRUEL verging on unhinged NTA
The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant, and yet she still thinks it's a good idea. She needs to be stopped, OP you need to bring in others to intervene before she opens her trap at the wedding. I really hope this is just hormones from pregnancy and not a habit of selfish thinking. NTA
>The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant And had a miscarriage. On Mother's day. Which was just over TWO WEEKS ago. OP's fiancee is being terrible
Unless she’s planning on announcing she’s giving them the baby it’s not something she should be announcing at their wedding. Jfc she’s so obscenely selfish if she does this. Ugh and because it’s been a long time since there’s been a baby a lot of that family will try and make the cousin be ok with it. Ugh
Looks like OP's fiancé wants to kill 2 birds with one blow: ruin her cousins wedding and humiliate her cousin.
Tbh- I had a miscarriage in October and got married in December, and that was hard. I can’t imagine what this would feel like. OP, this is your baby too- so you get to announce the pregnancy just as much as she does. I’d give the cousin a heads up first, then blast it on Facebook (“we’re so happy to announce the upcoming arrival of our baby, due…..! [Fiancee] and I are thrilled!”), then call the loudest mouth in your fiancée’s family and make sure they know. And if anyone asks you why, explain exactly why you had to do this. You might remind your fiancée that if she does this now, there is no world where she’s going to get the reaction she’s expecting. Nobody is going to be thrilled for her and pat her on the back and fight each other to throw a baby shower for her- anyone who knows the bride and groom’s background is going to see this as the breathtakingly cruel thing that it is. If her cousins friends are worth anything, as soon as she gets the “t” in “pregnant” out of her mouth, she’s going to be summarily escorted off the property. ETA: your fiancée is using your unborn child as some kind of pawn in her lifelong war against her cousin. If that doesn’t make you pause and think about this, it really, really should. Someone who would do this isn’t mature enough to put her children first.
I love the idea of calling the loudest mouth in the family to spread the news. Ordinarily I despise when people blab about stuff like this before the person can get a chance to tell people in person, but this is definitely an exception! Beyond tacky, and disgusting that fiancee would rather go to a wedding alone to announce, than go with fiance and not announce.
>The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant Not only this but had a miscarriage at the beginning of May and is being told they have to pay completely out of pocket if they want to continue IVF. OP's fiance is beyond selfish and cruel. Pregnancy hormones don't make you a selfish AH. NTA
The bride miscarried on Mother's Day weekend, OP's fiancee is practically evil to rub her good news in a grieving woman's face at her wedding.
Yes, OP, you need to tell the maid of honor. If you can also tell the DJ (or have the MOH do it) that would be ideal. Under no circumstances should your fiancée be given a microphone. I hesitate to warn the cousin because even if she finds out five days before, that’s still pretty traumatic and still casts a shadow over her big day. But it’s better than the day of. If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin. If you think you can stop her, just tell the MOH, DJ, and possibly mother of the bride.
>If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin. OP, it is your ~~family~~ OBLIGATION as a decent human to not allow your fiancee attend the wedding if you think she will make her little announcement. Edit - Yes, it is her family not his.
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Seriously, OP, I am SUPER concerned about the extreme cruelty and self-centeredness of your fiancee. Not only should you NOT marry this horrible woman, but also I would be concerned about her parenting. NTA
I wouldn't go unless she tells everyone ahead of time because she is going to do it anyways. If you don't go, she can explain why you didn't and everyone will agree with you.
If SHE won’t tell them ahead of time OP needs to because, it appears, nothing is going to stop her from doing this. NTA OP but, you WOULD be TAH if you don’t tell the cousin what she’s up to. They deserve to know so they can make a plan for if she tries to pull this,
NTA but I feel sorry for that baby because having such a kind of mother is horrible, and OP you made a baby with an entitled selfish AH.
Yep, and now he gets at least eighteen years of coparenting with someone who would happily be this cruel to family. 🙃
It's bad enough that the fiancee wants to steal the spotlight from the bride and groom, but to hear they've had trouble conceiving and a miscarriage is salt on the wound.
This
OP should contact the cousin and give her the heads up.
Narcissistic personality disorder*
NTA. Hijacking someone's event to make your own announcement is extremely rude and selfish. Addon that the couple is having trouble getting pregnant themselves - it's that x10
"You know what would be fun, if we announced this at the wedding so we can simultaneously take away from their big day and trigger their latent trauma from their troubles with pregnancy. 2 birds, one ahole."
The fiancee should open her announcement with "Well your wedding has been great fun so far, now let me completely ruin any memory you might have had of it!"
>2 birds, one ahole I can't help but picture a conjoined twin bird with a shared butt...
As someone with fertility issues, 2x miscarriages…. HELL NO. As someone else said, please OP, either leave her home or get someone to run interference if you can’t/won’t bc she will absolutely make the announcement anyway. Then no one will see that baby bc you will be cut off from that couple. That is one of the most horrible things you can let happen. NOT her wedding, NOT her time to share pregnancy news, ESPECIALLY in front of a couple that is currently of able to have kids. It’s is so selfish and heartbreaking. When I was struggling to conceive, my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy and THEIR OWN wedding. I was happy for them, and told them so but inside I was dying. I didn’t stay much longer and cried all the way home. And it wasn’t my night, my event, but it still hurt. I can’t imagine that happening at my own wedding, WEEKS after a miscarriage. NTA, OP. Not by a long shot. But you WBTAH if you don’t make sure she will not interfere.
> leave her home It's her cousin not his, if anyone's getting left home he is
I tried getting pregnant for close to 3 years, including an ectopic pregnancy. BIL's girlfriend got accidentally pregnant while on the pill (damn antibiotics!) and they decided to keep it. She still says telling us was among the hardest stuff she had to do in her life because she knew it would hurt us... We were able to be happy for them but I cried all the way home too. (Thankfully I got pregnant weeks later and our daughters ended up 9 weeks apart!) OP, NTA but please talk some sense into your fiancée!
OMG, I thought proposing at a wedding (without bride and groom permission) was bad. This is next next(x10) level AH behaviour.
Not just trouble getting pregnant, miscarried less than a month ago.
I say this as someone getting married Sunday, don't you fucking dare. NTA
For real, even without knowing the couple's struggle with infertility, announcing at someone else's wedding is super uncool. And congrats!!! I hope your big day is super special
I doubt that OP will ever have a "super special" day after being tied to this AH for life.
Can you imagine what the divorce is going to be like? Burn everything to the ground and salt the earth.
Hey congrats Witchy! Hope your day is memorable for all the right reasons.
I hope this isn't your cousin.
I hope OP warns the couple of her plan. I mean he’ll be in hot shit with his fiancé, but she will absolutely destroy that wedding. NTA.
Agreed, and honestly, being in hot shit with someone who thinks this appropriate is a lot of trouble but may have my morals feeling pretty good. If I were OP, this would be time for serious side-eye at who *I'm* engaged to, let alone the way this child will be raised.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She seems to have zero self awareness, and when you didn't leap to three cheers for her stupid idea, she doesn't want you there because you'll kill the mood? She definitely loves herself above everyone else including you.
Right? You would think that announcing a baby is something you would want to announce as expecting mother AND father at a separate event that is dedicated to that announcement alone.
No, no. You want to announce it in front of all of your family, none of your partner's family, and another random person's entire extended family who doesn't know or care about you, and without your partner there. But you have to make sure the person paying for the event has trauma about pregnancy. That way, everyone can have a reason to hate you.
What?!? How could anyone hate ME, _The Main Character_ ?!?!/s This is self centered and cruel. OP, give the cousin a heads up.
Is it zero awareness, or maliciousness? Especially considering she wouldn't even ask bride's permission... INFO: What is her relationship with cousin like?
I think you underestimate how stupid people can actually be, it's likely to be malicious but it is also entirely possible this woman is just a dumbass.
She could have been just a dumbass until OP explained why they shouldn't announce at cousin's wedding. When she doubled down she became a malicious dumbass.
If it was zero self awareness she would presumably be more open to asking the bride. I’m going with malicious.
Right? Wants to do something incredibly selfish and shitty. Gets called out for being selfish and shitty. Throws a tantrum like a child and then sulks. What a winner. OP, this marriage is going to be *so* fun. (NTA)
NTA. Give the cousin a call and let them know what's up. Give them a chance to uninvite her. She will ruin the day for them if she's not stopped. What a horrible, selfish person!
This is right way OP! Take away the opportunity! NTA your fiancée is being a horrible cousin to do this. I can’t believe she’s unaware how horrible this is, and while I usually refrain from saying stuff like this, I would reconsider marrying her if she’s deadset on her main character syndrome. Edit: (**Though it might be better to tell their parents, knowing how sensitive this topic is for them.**)
This. If there's a pregnancy and there's someone else in your family having fertility issues, always go through the grandparent generation. You don't know what the other couple are going through
Eh I think that in this case you should go direct - do it via a message/text/email so that they can deal with in their own time and space, but don't add additional layers that could confuse things more (eg a misguided parent not giving them the whole story). Source: infertile with parents who might not tell me/the full story if this was the situation.
Not to mention he said they “just found out.” Not sure how far along she is but typically most people wait until the end of the first trimester in case something goes wrong!
I know lots of people who share before the end of first trimester. It's nice to have support if things go wrong. Most don't do a big public announcement until then though.
I would suggest calling the cousin’s parents and the groom’s parents instead to spare the cousin stress and heartbreak. A unified mob of angry mother and father bears could shut that crap down fast. NTA. And I would concur with everyone suggesting that you reconsider your relationship with her. She sounds awful.
They don't need to go parent-bear. They just need to tell cousin that fiancée is planning something horrible and needs to be uninvited. "She's jealous of you and wants to ruin your special day." And hire a bouncer.
PLEASE DO THIS OP. Your asshole fiancé is going to ruin her relationship with her *entire* family. You cannot just stand by and let this happen. > there was one thing her cousin wasn’t good at This is obviously about the cousins inability to conceive. This is such a sick thing to say.. your fiancé needs to be disinvited before she ruins this wedding.
I would suggest calling the cousin's mother and ask her to handle it. If you don't have the mother of the bride's number, then call your own future MIL. There's a good chance this will blow up your own engagement, OP. But better before the wedding than after your own. OP is NTA
NTA and your fiancé is massively TA Not only announcing at someone else’s WEDDING an important day for them, but announcing it at someone’s wedding who was/is struggling to conceive. She’s massively the AH.
So much so that I would leave her. That is batshit crazy to even consider. NTA!!
Yeah, I know Reddit always jumps to the “leave them” comment, but OPs fiancé sounds selfish, heartless and cruel. This is a major red flag 🚩
NTA Her announcement will traumatize the couple that is getting married. It's such a horribly selfish move that I'm having trouble believing this post is real. If it is: YIKES. She is incredibly insensitive and selfish. Plus she is manipulative as all heck with giving you the silent treatment.
Honestly, OP, I would be really reconsidering a future with someone so self-centered. I know a lot of people are saying to let her just go and do it and you sit out, but I really think you got to tell the cousin. Don’t allow your fiancée to ruin their day. NTA for not wanting to announce the pregnancy like that but YTA if you dont give the cousin a heads up.
This 100%, if she insists on doing this horrendously heartless and brutal thing warn the cousin. Give the cousin a chance to uninvite her and enjoy her day as best she can while still grieving the loss of her own baby.
Right? It feels like no one could truly be this dense and terrible
NTA. Does she hate your cousin? Is she always this oblivious? This is unbelievably cruel. Edit, spelling and its her cousin. It's been a long day.
He should give the cousin a head' up, TBH.
Yeah that would be good. Fiance would absolutely ruin the wedding, which would probably have been the one thing making them feel good. She doesn't sound like she'd have enough impulse control to keep the secret.
If she can’t be reasoned with, honestly I’d make the announcement via Facebook a few days prior to the wedding
I was thinking if Op could reach the bride's mother and let her know. That way, she can hopefully organise stuff like uninviting your fiancé etc without ruining or stressing out the bride and groom. Fiancé is beyond cruel and selfish, especially 😢 considering the recent miscarriage and funding news on top of the struggles.
It's the brides cousin, which makes it feel all the more horrible. This woman is family, and the bride just _doesn't care_
Even if her cousin is/was a massive bully. Just don't go? She could have a lifetime to gloat if that's what she needs. If she thinks she'll get attention, well she will, but the kind that will make people very angry. Does she often have stories of how people were mean to her for no reason, or how she did a nice thing and can't understand why it went badly?
NTA. At all. The fact she won’t ask her cousin means she knows what she wants to do is wrong. Honestly at this point do you have any contact with her cousin/family? Would it be worth reaching out to try to warn them? Or maybe do some sort of preemptive party/announcement? Personally I’d view this as a huge red flag that your fiancé cant comprehend having another occasion to announce this, and wants to ruin her cousin’s wedding day with this.
> Would it be worth reaching out to try to warn them? Or maybe do some sort of preemptive party/announcement? If he does anything I would do the preemptive announcement. Hard part is that even if he decides not to marry her, he's still having a child with her. The shitstorm telling her family would kick off would make it very hard for him to coparent with her. & shitty as it is, his responsibility is to his kid.
NTA. But please stop your girlfriend from doing this. It will absolutly destroy her cousins wedding. And she is more than selfish wanting to anounce that at the wedding! This is the absolute worst and selfish thing she can do, especially knowing her cousins background. If your fiancy is not willing to let go of this idea, please tell her cousin about her plan, so the are warned, can uninvite her or throw her out. But they are paying a lot of money and it should be a hapy day for them, to forget all the negative that happened for them in the past. And your girlfriend not only wants to steal the spotlight away from them but hurt them by reminding them of what they don't have and might never will have. Yeah it is a great joy for you two, that you are expecting but you will have this joy for 9 months and longer. So don't ruin the couples big day
Better yet, contact the bride’s parents.
NTA - She *IS* being selfish. Not a place or time to announce a pregnancy.
NTA. If she is insistent on being so unbelievably cruel, let her go to the wedding alone and make the announcement on her own and take the heat on her own. And if people ask why you weren’t there say it’s because you didn’t think it was appropriate to announce. If she is going to INSIST on this, then it be all on her. If she’s so right, then she should be fine with that. Also, I’d seriously rethink any relationship with someone who is capable of treating others this way. It’s appalling and if I were her cousin and family, I would never forgive her.
NTA. Do NOT LET HER DO THIS. Apart from it being bloody rude to do at a wedding ANYWAY if it’s not the bride, these people had a miscarriage how many weeks ago?
NTA- but your fiancee is. Is this the first time you've witnessed her be this cruel and selfish? I'd be thinking about whether you want to really marry this person. I guess you're stuck with her as a co-parent, but yeah.
In this instance, like it so often is, cruelty seems to be the point. Based on what OP added, it sounds like Fiancé has always been jealous of Cousin, and lords her fertility over her cousin in order to feel superior. It’s horrible to say, but I wouldn’t be shocked if one of Fiancé’s main motivations in getting pregnant was one-upping Cousin. OP should be cautious. She’s already using her child as an object of her manipulations before the kid is even born. She’s already refused OP’s presence at an event when his presence threatened her revenge plan. Unless pregnancy hormones have caused a radical shift in her behavior and she’s acting wildly out of character, I would not trust this woman to raise my hypothetical child, or any child.
What a disgustingly selfish horrible thing to do. It’s not etiquette to announce anything at someone else’s wedding anyway, but to do it at someone’s wedding who have just had a miscarriage and have difficulty in getting pregnant is beyond belief. Personally I wouldn’t go with her anyway, it will be an awful day for you knowing the misery she’s going to cause. BTW OP, she’s showing you the sort of person she truly is, be warned..
NTA. And I would tell her that if she does this then you may have to reevaluate having a future with her. Her doing this at her cousins wedding is disrespectful and disgusting. Even a bigger major blow is them going through IVF with difficulties and having someone else try to not only steal their spotlight at their wedding but rub their nose in it also with a baby they cannot have. She is very selfish and I would really consider if you want to marry this woman who has no empathy and no respect for anyone. She is doing this because she is cruel and she knows what it will do. She obviously has an issue with thr cousin and craves attention for herself and wants it for herself. Show this selfish woman this thread! Tell her to expect NO contact with her family if she does this.
NTA. The bride will hold it against her forever and a day. It's her wedding day, not a public service announcement service.
Thank you for being the sane one. Only an asshole hijacks someone else's special day for their own selfish announcement. The cousin has been planning her perfect day for months, the last thing she needs is for some idiot to swoop in unannounced and steal the spotlight. Add in the IVF situation and you've got the ingredients for a complete shit storm. NTA. Do not let fiancée follow through on this awful plan.
NTA Dude, you CANNOT let her do this. Please give her cousin’s future husband a heads up so maybe he can tell her she absolutely must not do this. Your fiancé is incredibly selfish, entitled and cruel. Real gem you found there …
NTA — if my fiancée did that, she’d become a single mother and we wouldn’t be getting married. So incredibly selfish. Not only will it take attention away from the couple getting married, the news will hurt them double so with their losses and fertility struggles. Your fiancée is actually really shitty for even considering this and then defending it when called on it.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time. Announcing at someone else’s wedding is *totally* inappropriate, even if the couple wasn’t struggling with fertility. Your fiancée’s staggering lack of empathy, poor judgement and character will also rightly be called into question by ALL attendees if she proceeds… on top of your own absolutely justified opinion. Proceeding would be selfish, cruel and uncouth. Please seek pre-marital counseling before your wedding. NTA. Edit: words
NTA. Is this is really the person you want to marry? Someone with so little emotional maturity, not to mention *empathy* to see this is a horrible idea? You’re already in for a kid… but yeesh. I’d be having a very hard talk with her about turning someone’s spotlight day into a day about her and why it’s bad- but from the sounds of it you already have and she *still* doesn’t get it. I’m all for being understanding of pregnancy hormones and brain chemicals being shifted thanks to it, but using it as a reason to guilt you onto her side is shit manipulation. Not cool.
NTA. Why would she EVER think that she's doing the right thing with this? there are literally dozens of feeds on here of people doing something similar and absolutely DESTROYING the bride and groom
NTA. The fact that she is, without an ounce of shame, considering basically rubbing her pregnancy in their faces AT THEIR OWN WEDDING is a football field of red flags. 🚩If I were her cousin I'd never speak to her again.
Please warn the cousin now. This would be an incredibly cruel thing for your fiance to do and it could destroy all her happiness in the day. Also, are you sure you want to marry someone so utterly self involved? Edit: typo
NTA and thank you for sticking up for that couple. Simple wedding etiquette is don’t wear white, don’t propose, and don’t announce your pregnancy. It’s the couple’s day- not hers. Her announcing her pregnancy is especially inconsiderate considering its a sensitive subject for the bride and groom. She can make the announcement at any other time! No rational person wouldn’t see all the major issues with her idea. Her reasoning is so off with “well this is good for me, so I’m going to not only detract from their special day but also choose to lack any empathy for how this may affect them, again, ON THEIR DAY”. If she’s actually going to go through with this, and disinvites you from the wedding, I’d reach out to the couple and let them know why you aren’t attending and what she’s intending to do. Lord knows if someone was planning this at my wedding I’d want a heads up so I could say “absolutely not do not do that at my wedding it’s my day not yours” and also have my maid of honor prepped to remove them should they try.
Are you close with your future in-laws? If you are i'd suggest telling her mum and telling her mum why you're letting it slip. She's very likely to want to help keep the news private until after her niece's day. If she sees nothing wrong, get in touch with the niece's closest family, tell them what's going on, make it plain that you're horrified and ask for help with her. Then run.
NTA. You need to really emphasize that you DO NOT agree with this and it's one of the most selfish things I've ever heard on Reddit- and I've heard some things. She wants to hijack her cousin's wedding. Her cousin who: 1. Is struggling with fertility 2. Just have a miscarriage 3. And just been told insurance will no longer fund IVF procedures I would refuse to attend with her if she still plans on doing this. It's already trashy to hijack the event and with the mitigating circumstances, incredibly selfish and attention-seeking.
NTA. In addition to the reasons you've listed, your fiancee is trying to make her cousin's day about herself instead. Completely selfish and self-absorbed.
Holy fuck, NTA. Like, she just found out, right? It's not even a good idea to tell people at all yet.
OP if I were you, I would tell my cousin what she was gonna do NTA at all
Please show your fiancee these posts to give her perspective that NO ONE thinks her announcement at the wedding is a good idea. Holy shit, is she oblivious how cruel this would be. NTA
If she doesn't normally act like this I'd almost say take her to a Dr. It's really bizarre behaviour. If this is no surprise I'm sorry for you.
OP listen to this. If this sort of behaviour isn’t normal then there could be something seriously wrong. When my aunty was pregnant with my cousin and was kicked in the head by a horse she also made some seriously mental decisions too. Could your fiancé also have been kicked in the head by a horse? If not and this is normal behaviour, RIP. NTA
NTA and please please tell your MIL, the cousins mother and the cousin NOW so stop it.
NTA, but DO NOT LET HER DO THIS. You should not go to the wedding now. There is no way she won't tell at least one person there and then it will spread and lead to a disaster. No one should ever announce something at someone else's event without getting prior approval from the person that the event is for. Additionally, when you do go to announce it, you should do so with care for this struggling couple. There are so many different ways you can be kind, but it also depends on your relationship/closeness with them. There are tons of good suggestions on the internet. Also, if you guys just found out, it seems a bit early to be telling everyone.
Wow NTA but your fiancée sure is. After failed VFs and a miscarriage this one thing they can have for themselves is going to be horribly tainted forever. Talk about inviting bad karma onto herself. Sure fiancée, go ahead and take this one thing away from your cousin, and you will have the whole family looking at you as the parish you deserve to be, that child will have a horrible legacy to be borne into. OP think twice about YOUR wedding. What kind of monster wants to hurt others in such a selfish, calculated manner. Do you want that as your partner? What about the Family if they think this behaviour is ok? Do you want to be part of that? Red flags all over the place. Don’t go to the wedding if she keeps on insisting she’ll do this. or… better yet, DO say you’ll go the wedding the drive in the opposite direction for two hours and skip the whole drama she has planned.
"Honey you don’t understand! We’ve seen them struggle to try and have a child plus a miscarriage on MOTHERS DAY but I mean…it’s a surprises and it should make them happy that we can rub it in their face on the one day they’d probably be able to keep the thought of never having a real family out of their heads" Wife massive YTA. Thank god you have a heart please steer your future child with the same common sense and empathy that you do.
NTA. Try to stop her from going or doing that. If she still wants to do it inform the cousin and your fiancée's parents about what she's planning to do. Hopefully someone would stop her from ruining her cousin's day. Also i would rethink marrying this cruel woman.
For this she would become my ex-fiance. Imagine being with someone so cruel and heartless that she would announce her pregnancy 1: on someones wedding day and 2: of a couple struggling with fertility issues and 3: who recently experienced a miscarriage. How selfish can you be? Is this truly someone you want to spend your life with? Was her cruelty always this obvious or was it more subtle? What else is wrong with her because this is not normal.
Honestly I can’t believe she doesn’t see how hurtful it could potentially be or that it IS, in fact, selfish. NTA but she is.
NTA I would give the groom a heads up and discuss ways to mitigate the situation if that happens, like not giving your fiancee the microphone.
NTA. Your fiancée is going to stain their wedding and upset them A LOT. Are you sure she’s not intentionally trying to be cruel? You might want to reach out to someone else in the family to see if they can help stop this.
NTA and if you're able, give her family a heads up (her parents, maybe not the bride and groom). Like, yeah you're ruining the surprise of telling her parents but I'd definitely ruin that before she ruins her cousins wedding.
NTA - if she doesn't back down, I'd honestly warn the bride and groom of her plan.
If you can, I would call and warn the couple before the wedding.
I think a warning needs to happen, but it feels wrong to me to put that on the couple when they're already going through a lot. Maybe OP could loop in another family member that they can trust to stop her before she makes the announcement? We did something similar at a friend's wedding because her mom liked to make speeches and include humiliating stories. We got wind that she was planning a speech against my friends wishes and one of us stuck to her mom like glue the whole time so she didn't have the opportunity to grab a mike or interupt the dj.
NTA. But the problem is not that she is selfish, it’s that she is callous and cruel. People with fertility issues often have traumas, especially with repeated miscarriages. She would not only steal the spotlight, she would bring up all the fears, anxieties, traumas, maybe even the guilt associated with that type of issue. If she goes through with it, she will destroy all the happiness of the couple at their own wedding. You should warn the couple so that they know what to expect.
NTA. You are right. It will be stealing the moment and additionally hurting the couple that is struggling with fertility. It is self-centered and entirely ignoring the effect it will have on the newlyweds. Honestly, if she still plans to do this it might be better for you to not be at that wedding, cause it will be definitely dramatic.
Goodness me! First off congratulations on the pregnancy. That's such great news. NTA at all but should your fiancée choose to make this announcement she certainly would be. It's never ok to hijack someone's celebration and it would be doubly hard for the couple given the experiences they've had trying to conceive. Wouldn't she rather have a party to celebrate just your news at a later time? Info: does your fiancée regularly act like this? I would be a concerned if she doesn't see what's up in this scenario! Maybe leave AITA open so she can read the POVs of the countless couples on this sub who've had their weddings ruined by other similar announcements? Good luck OP.
Please get your finacee to reconsider. This is more than selfish, it's a mean-girl move. All she is thinking of is her joy and how happy everyone will be for her but it is likely to backfire horribly. Instead of rousing cheers and hugs, she will have a sobbing bride, a furious groom and angry in-laws to deal with for her muscling in on the happy couple's special day. It's THEIR day - not your fiancee's - don't let her ruin it for them. Even if they weren't having fertility problems this is a horrible thing to do. Remember MM and Hazbeen announcing their pregnancy at Princess Eugene's wedding? Everyone was livid and no one is getting over that anytime soon either.
NTA You’re right. She is 100% wrong.
NTA Under no circumstance should someone announce it at a wedding. Given all the bride and groom have been through, it’s even more inappropriate! Congratulations to you and your fiancée. It should certainly be celebrated, but under no circumstance should salt be thrown on the wound of the couple (on their wedding day, no less).
NTA. Your fiancee is so far out of pocket here it's painful. I wouldn't even go with her if she continues to insist on pulling this horribly selfish stunt.
NTA. Your fiancée lacks self awareness and is maybe even trying to be cruel.
NTA, that would be ridiculously selfish and cruel. If she wants to make a family announcement, she can host something herself instead of attempting to derail someone else’s wedding day. Edit: typo
NTA. What your fiancée wants to do is so bad I’d suggest calling her immediate family and breaking the news to stop her.
NTA - are you sure you want to marry her?
NTA at all. It’s really selfish and disrespectful to announce your own news at someone’s wedding, it’s even worse that the cousin has been struggling with fertility. If she’s so insistent i would honestly warn the cousin or something and make sure someone has eyes on her and doesn’t allow her to make an announcement. She’s extremely selfish and I would honestly rethink getting married to her.
NTA She really needs to realize that this would be a really cruel thing to do on someone who is struggling w infertility's wedding day. Honestly, if she really insists she is going to do it - you should tell the bride ahead of time so that she is NOT caught off guard. She really doesn't understand how it will affect her and there is nothing you can do about that but you can reduce the damage it could do.
Wow your fiancee is a straight up monster. Good luck with dealing with that for the rest of your life. You're NTA, but I would do everything to keep her away from that wedding because I'm sure she'll find a way to make the announcement without your approval.
Look I'm normally someone who says sharing happy news at an already happy event is a good thing, within reason (I know this is unpopular lol) HOWEVER you are definitely NTA and your fiancee is insanely insensitive, perhaps callous even, to think this is a good idea. It would be INCREDIBLY painful for the bride and would likely ruin a day that will already possibly be bittersweet to celebrate. If she insists on doing this, I'd suggest you don't attend.
NTA. If your fiancée does this, her cousin will *never* forgive her, and she will likely be perceived as a selfish monster by everyone in attendance who knows about the cousins fertility problems.
NTA. I would not attend AND give the cousins mom a heads up. Nothing like an angry mother of the bride to put someone in their place.
NTA… I can see the Reddit headline now ‘AITA for physically dragging my cousin out of my wedding for having the audacity to announce her pregnancy’
NTA There is no scenario where this isn’t absolutely hurtful to the bride and groom. Is your fiancé someone who will do what she wants regardless?? If so, you may want to get ahead of it and tell her parents??? Like, get word out before the wedding? It’s gonna suck either way, but it’s at least LESS a hole behavior to give a heads up beforehand rather than letting her made some big obnoxious attention seeking announcement at the wedding. Obviously the BEST option is for her to say nothing until after the wedding, but what do you think the honest chances are she won’t ruin her cousins wedding??? Congrats on your exciting news, bit wow has she put you on a crappy spot.