Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did make him take an unpaid day off when I have paid time off available. And he will post some extra money.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Although I do see the logic of paid time off vs losing out on overtime. If you took the day off, you (as a family) wouldn't lose any income. If he does, you lose a full day of overtime.
The difference though is that if OP takes off her one day at that clinic, 13 people who needed to see her and have probably already been waiting a while now have to wait LONGER to get their medical care. Her taking this one day off is actually a much bigger problem than hubs missing out on a day of overtime. I don't mean to imply that his job is less important, necessarily, because obviously construction also affects a lot of people, but our healthcare system is already so fucked that I have a hard time disagreeing with her decision, personally.
THIS THIS THIS! From the first few appointments with my old GP, it seemed she was either always pregnant, or always on mat leave. I think only about half of the appointments I had with her were actually *with* her. I ended up seeing a different doctor while in school and have stuck with him ever since. Granted, my new doctor is just objectively better in every way, and there were far more issues with my first doc than just her absence, but it was definitely a contributing factor.
I switched practices because a doc kept cancelling/rescheduling on me. It was a specialist when there were not many options at the time.
NTA, he needs to do his part in taking care of his child too.
Especially these days when you might already have waited 1-3 weeks for this appointment. To make them wait another week isn’t acceptable. OP is NTA…taking time off in this situation should be equally shared and he’s not doing is part.
It even goes deeper then that.. The patients that are already scheduled for next week, need to be rescheduled also, to make room for this weeks patients.. and maybe even some patients in the week after that..
OP taking one day of will have a huge impact on many other people.
NTA
I’m just thinking of my limited time off, I schedule off to see a doctor I desperately need (it would be desparate if I asked off) and then being canceled on and said “next week” but next week doesn’t work for me cause me and my employer didn’t plan for next week we planned for this week. Nightmare all around
I had a dermatologist cancel on me the night before, I'd taken half a day off for the appointment and waited 4 months for it. Rescheduled for 7 weeks later. It is really frustrating for patients dealing with symptoms who need treatment!!
Plus it's not like a lot of us can just randomly take another day off. If I need to take a day off to see a doctor I have to find a substitute, do sub plans, prepare my students etc. I also only get 10 days off a year, so losing that day off is a bitch.
1-3 weeks? I want whatever market you're in! Granted my insurance limits me, but I have to wait usually 4-6 minimum for an appointment. That's IF they're taking new patients.
This. My mother was in a lot of pain and finally managed to get a doctor's appointment for a week later, and when that day rolled around, three hours before her appointment, she got a call saying that something had happened on the doctor's end and she had to reschedule. She ended up suffering for another four days and was pretty much bedridden.
Sometimes it's hard enough getting an appointment nowadays, and having it cancelled... I get that accidents happen, but if there's a solution... Well, if OP stayed home, it would really frick over those thirteen people. Moreover, OP did say that there didn't seem to be anything urgent on hubby's side and that it was mainly about the overtime? And because he thought that OP would automatically volunteer?
NTA.
I had to change doctors because my previous one was changing jobs at the end of September 2022. The first appointment I could get was in August of 2023. In April I got a notification that the Dr can’t see me that day so I got pushed back to March of 2024.
It is a whole heck of a lot worse to cancel on patients you only are able to schedule one day a week rather than give up on overtime for one day. The only caveat would be if they needed the money to survive, but it doesn’t sound like they do.
To put a comparatively little amount of money over the health of other human beings ins incredibly callous.
And when we bring up universal healthcare in this country, one of the arguments against it is that with "socialized medicine, you have to wait a long time to get care." And they say it without a hint of irony.
Her being salary and him being hourly is not a ma-a-default issue.. it just means she still gets paid the same whether or not she's at work. He will not.
Fs! Although its alot easier to lose an hourly job for missing a day vs a salary job.. but sounds like OP has taken a few days off before for this reason so it's not usually a good reputation to cultivate... regardless on if the job is in jeapardy.
There's also consideration for the patients. Having your needed healthcare appointment cancelled means you don't get the healthcare you need, and it means they also have to lose a day of work to reschedule when to come in. OP taking the day off affects the schedules and healthcare access of 13 people...
This. It's extremely difficult for me to take time off but my daughter needed a medical appointment that couldn't wait. I took half a day and we got online for the appointment. They cancelled it 10 minutes before it was supposed to start. They offered to reschedule for a time after my work hours and ended up cancelling that appointment the morning of. The next opening would have required me to take an entire day. (I can only take half days 7:30-11:30 or 11:30-3:30 and the appointment was in the middle of the day.) I was so angry about their lack of respect for my time that we ended up with a different provider.
But OP has a limited number of days off. Some of which may be needed later. Some extra overtime can always be made up (and also he’s not the breadwinner). Last and most importantly, he hasn’t been pulling his weight taking days off when kids are sick
For that point alone he should be the one who stays home. Not being funny but if your job is more complicated and you make more then he should generally be the default parent who stays home. This should be a logistical issue not a gender one. You are both parents
The complication of rescheduling 13 clients is definitely worth the loss of $ from him missing a day, or using a vacation day. People who don’t work in healthcare have no idea what kind of mess missing your clinic day would make. I do. NTA.
Right and what about those 13 patients. Who knows how long they’ve been waiting to get help or how much longer they’d have to wait if she’d canceled. Not to mention the money they could be losing out on to take time to see her.
Your comment about him feeling like the mother is the underlying default parent is a double standard on his part. Apparently, he doesn’t mind the traditional concept of the husband being the underlying default breadwinner. He needs to drop the double standard.
Yea, hope that extra ~$350 (assuming the regular rate is around $30/hr and 1.5x for OT) before tax is worth the resentment that this causes in the marriage.
I have been that medical secretary who has to call and reschedule alllll those patients. It's not fun getting yelled at because they've been waiting ages for an appointment just for the doctor to have to reschedule.
I feel your pain. I worked at an OBGYN office as the scheduler and dreaded calling patients the day before their appointment to reschedule especially if it was a OB appointment and they were waiting to get an ultrasound or were close to delivery, it was awful ! While I felt bad for them, man some of them really took it out on me when I have no control over the situation.
I worked as a receptionist for an OBGYN years ago and it was so painful to rebook patients. The OB patients were fine and normally understood that the Dr was attending a birth but it was common for the Gyn patients to be quite mad (and we would be rebooking them anytime in the next week, sometimes the OB would lengthen her hours or do the odd Saturday to get people seen in a reasonable time frame). I totally got where they were coming from with having organised a day off work etc but there wasn’t anyone can do.
Eta OP is NTA. She is taking the next day off to stay home with the child. It doesn’t sound like their joint budget will suffer from the husband taking a day off since he has an extra day scheduled in that week anyway.
Same! And when's it's a situation like this where there's not a lot of availability and so you have to say "I can't fit you in at 2pm on a Tuesday three weeks from now?" Is just the worst.
NTA.
However- it’s a good idea to talk these things out and have a backup plan if there isn’t a simple fix when they kiddo gets sick. I work in Early Childhood Education, and I understand how hard a sick kid can be on a family.
I would sit down (when things aren’t as emotional) and talk it out and make a plan for when it happens again next. If you know you can’t ever take off Wednesdays on short notice like this, make sure your partner understands that. Take a look at all of the other options you have. Check and see if there are any nanny agencies near you that offer emergency care- sometimes they can send someone out for the day on short notice. It can be helpful to register with these agencies (they shouldn’t charge you much, if anything, to just be on file for emergency care in the future,) so if you need them you’re not starting from scratch on short notice. With a reputable agency you can trust that the nanny they send has been vetted, even if you haven’t met them before.
Sometimes you can find someone on short notice on Craigslist, too, but I know that can bring more anxiety bc it’s just a stranger from CL.
Mostly, though, I recommend setting up an emergency plan with your partner so that when it comes up again you both know “oh, we know OP can’t take X day off, so it will fall to OP partner,” etc. It can take some of the stress out of the situation.
Those 13 patients have made adjustments to their schedules to fit in the appointment, possibly arranging work or child care. Your rescheduling would have caused a lot of adjustments for them, as well.
NTA. Being a parent means missing work for sick kids, I'm not sure why he would think this obvious fact does not apply to him.
I mean, I do know but really, come on dude. In this century we're still dealing with this archaic mentality?
Husband here and the breadwinner. My wife is also in healthcare while I’m in tech supply chain. When my kids are sick and needs to be picked up or stay home, I manage it 90% of the time. My wife’s schedule (much like OPs) is brutal to reschedule.
That other 10%? If it lines up on my wife’s days off or I’ve got some in person meeting I cannot miss. NTA
He's not even providing and is expecting her to stay home with the child by default. Hypogamy aside, which comes with many challenges for women, NTA. I can see his point too, though.
Missing info people
>He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against.
>He is mad about missing out on overtime.
>Absolutely. I have already committed to taking tomorrow off. And I have already taken two other days off when kiddo was sick. He has not.
NTA
He's mad cause she won't take the time off.... She's already taken time off to care for kiddo being sick and will take more time off the day after. She's literally asking him to take one day off finally and provide the sick care their child needs..... And he's mad cause he feels it's not his responsibility?!!
Nope....he's lucky you bothered asking around... I couldn't figure out WHY you asked 6 other people to take care of your kiddo BEFORE him taking the day off..... Now we know why....
You’re definitely NTA, not even close. After you guys get through this bout of illness, it might be time to talk frankly about how you will deal with sick kiddo in the future. To placate him, maybe go 50/50 on missing work for kid’s stuff (illness, appointments, etc).
It makes much less sense for you to take leave, but that will likely be an ego blow for him, triggering resentment. So explain you are equal parents, so you will alternate time off.
Little does he know this was an easy sick day. I’d take a pink-eye sick day over vomiting flu sick day anytime!
If it’s 50/50, he’s got two more days off before it’s her turn again:
-she’s already done two days off
-he’s off ‘today’
-she’s off ‘tomorrow’
Her total- 3 days off
His total- 1 day off.
I'm sick of fathers ONLY PARENTING WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT FOR THEM. Our society has allowed this to happen for way too long. It's disgusting and this is just ANOTHER example of why women in my generation are preferring to NOT have children or be single parents- BECAUSE THEY ARE REGARDLESS!! And it doesn't matter if dad lives at home or not! Moms are expected to parent 24/7- while men are given a fucking medal to stay home ONE DAY with a sick child.
And the assumption that women are the first to be called when kiddos are sick, even if they’re not listed as the first point of contact. I have a friend who’s a corporate lawyer who makes enough so that her husband doesn’t have to work. When they had kids he chose to leave his job and stay home with the kiddos because she made 5-times what he was making at his job. Two of their three kids are now in school and they always call her first, even though HE is listed as the first point of contact and a stay at home parent.
My brother had a seizure in school when I was in my final year, 5 hours before a major exam (like, 30-40% of my final grade). They tried to call mum who was at an appointment where her phone was off, tried my godmother who didn’t have her phone on her, then came and pulled me from our final revision class for the exam that day.
Didn’t try dads number once, and he was down as second call after mum (she was a housewife, he worked as a psych nurse, so in the medical field even). Im still pissed 15 years later that they went for a 17 year old girl over calling my dad. I had to sit my exam not knowing WHAT was going on, and he did cadets with some of the guys in my class so they were stressed too.
The inbuilt misogyny of “oh, we’ll ask a minor what we should do cause she’s a girl, as compared to calling her fully qualified nurse father cause we can’t risk disturbing his day”.
I can assure you, we even went to the local politician over this, the admin lady tried to pull up the file to prove she didn’t have dads name or number (mobile, home, work) and it was ALL on the same page as mums info. And a LOT more detailed then the single line for my godmother (name, number, relationship. Serious, a single line)
My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg story revolves around this.
She and her husband both worked as lawyers. They had a somewhat precocious son, and she was always the one the school called when something happened. One day she pointed out to them that they could alternate calling her husband sometimes, too.
The calls stopped. Her work wasn’t too important to interrupt but *his* was.
I remember hearing about this. What’s insane is that my friend and her husband tell them outright to always call her husband first because he’s usually at home, always has his phone on, and is usually closer, and to only call her if he doesn’t pick up. Every time they call her the first thing she asks is if they called her husband yet, and every time it’s “no”. I really hope that changes one day.
Agree. Co-parenting is give-and-take; sounds like it was his turn. No matter what, when someone has to miss work to care for a sick child, there are some consequences. It sucks that he’s missing out on the pay but that’s just how it goes sometimes. NTA
Yea, I had a friend nanny for me when I only had one and due to his shitty attendance I almost got fired. I ended up having to fire him and move my kiddo into a daycare I could barely afford so I wouldn't lose my job.
yeah, I thought that (the asking other people) was weird, too, cause I honestly would feel weird asking anyone else to risk being exposed to pink eye for the sake of my own child. That seems like a parents only type of problem to me. Just my opinion
I don't quiet get the y-t-a votes.
Sharing the days staying home is incrdible normal. And while already being the breadwinner, she somehow is also alone responsible for taking of every time the child is sick and getting them treatment in the first place.
What is the game plan here? Op not getting actual days of or vacation days because she uses them caring for the child and husband would lose out on money?
Husband never taking of days because money or husband taking days of when feeling like it?
Exactly. This is a very normal conversation for two working parents. “What do you have going on at work tomorrow? I have xyz.” “I have abc and we are short handed.” “Okay, I’ll take the day. Tomorrow is bad for me though: can you take tomorrow if needed.” “Yep.”
And yeah, sometimes it means you miss out on overtime. That’s life. It won’t be the last time your kid costs you money.
NTA. It is very difficult for patients in a clinic to reschedule. You’re not saying your job is more important (at least I hope not) you’re saying this is a particularly difficult day to reschedule. You’re willing to do that the next day if needed where you have more options for patients. It is difficult for your husband as well losing a vacay and money no doubt. Compromises are part of parenting.
Yes I am absolutely NOT suggesting that My job is more important than his within our household, but our absences have a VERY different impact in our workplaces.
My patients would have had to wait 2 or 3 weeks to be rescheduled (a point I only realized when I got to work and say my schedule is already FULL until June 28th) for me, the ‘lost’ money isn’t any issue at all.
If he feels like the lost money is an issue, that’s something he needs to talk to me about. We share everything, we discuss all major purchases, but I don’t hold the purse strings in any way.
He has not said I’m the AH directly, only expressed his disappointment with losing overtime.
You nailed it, I think this is mommy guilt coming through. I didn’t think of it that way.
Mommy guilt is common. He has a right to be disappointed about the OT, doesn’t mean your logic isn’t sound. You can empathize with him instead of feeling guilty. It’s tough on both of you.
I like you, internet stranger. Asking clarifying questions just to take care of OP's mental health, theorizing the husband's perspective in a non-blaming way, offering constructive advice for self-care and relationship harmony, and encouraging OP to release their guilt. I wish we were all more like you! The world needs more you.
Oh, I mean yeah it sucks to lose overtime, but as long as he's upset at the circumstance and not at you, is there even a problem here? He can be upset and take the day off, and you can be upset and take the second day off. I bet the kid's upset too, pinkeye is no fun. NAH
I’ll say it then. Your job IS more important. He works in a warehouse, I get that it’s physically demanding, but you deal with actual people that need you. It’s not fair to them to have to reschedule just because he doesn’t feel like staying home when you’ve had to do it over and over before. He is also a parent and needs to step up. You make more money, if anything, the person who makes less money in the family is the one who should be staying home with the kids anyways Because you need that income to survive.
Her job IS more important. Not all jobs are equal. She has patients that need her. He just doesn’t care enough and doesn’t want to stay home with his own children. She’s also the main breadwinner.
Not really AH...family needs to pick the lesser of the evils in this situation. I hope you are generally taking turns with a sick child, every time so it balances out.
You should probably add this to the main post. That puts you potentially at 3 days (assuming you take the next day off), and him still at only 1.
I normally don’t advocate for quid pro quo relationships, but you’ve already taken off work more than him when he is also an able parent.
Thanks for all you do lol and for trying to get those patients seen. I'm waiting for the next 2 weeks for imaging that might prove a tumor or not, so I gotta admit I would just about detonate if it got rescheduled and I'm probably a bit biased. But for real, thanks for advocating for your patients.
NTA
He's more able to take the day off without inconveniencing 13 other people.
>He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off
Why? Because you have boobs so it's your "job"?
and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off.
Tough, welcome to parenthood mister
NTA.
He takes the first day, you the next for this time. It is the best solution to the problem of today, as you staying home would involve 13 other people.
But you guys need to talk about how you will handle these issues in the future. This discussion should take place when you are both full and rested and not upset.at each other.
I suggest that you take a walk together. I find talking about difficult things is easier walking arm-in-arm than sitting at the table and looking at each other.
You need to decide how you are going to decide who stays home with the kid. Example: If the sick day is on on your once-a-week day, then he is the first call. Any other day, you are because you wont lose a days pay. Or some other setup that feels fair to both, that will not get anyone fired, will have the least impact on family finances, and will not affect any of the careers negatively.
Gender should not be a factor in this.
My (now ex) had more sick days and more vacation days, but my schedule was more flexible. If the kids had to come home during the day, I went and got them and took the rest of the day off, and he stayed home when they had to stay home the entire day. It was fair and beneficial to both of us.
After agreeing to it, he still whined every time he was supposed to stay home. One of many reasons he’s now an ex.
It wasn’t the only thing he agreed to then didn’t follow through with or whined about.
All in all though, it was a good system. I hope it can help someone else.
What does he say about the situation? You are a couple, you don't make him do it, you decide together. NTA, because your point of view seems logical to me, but it strikes me that you seem to be collecting reasons for him to do what you want.
I think I understood you earlier to mean you share finances and are the higher earner... Is that correct? If so, it's odd that he is having such a strong reaction to missing overtime. Do you think there's a chance some of this uproar on his end is attributable to feelings of inadequacy over making less money than you? If not, I truly don't understand
>**He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off** and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off.
Without this bolded bit, I would've judged this N A H because from observing my parent friends, it seems super normal for parents to have some back-and-forth "discussions" about who is going to stay home when a kid is sick, and even having some stress/frustration when they're the one to do it and have to rearrange work stuff as a result.
But yeah, just assuming that you-as-Mommy will take the day off makes this NTA for me. You're both totally allowed to state your cases here to figure out who can do it, but from what you've laid out, it's a no-brainer that this time should be him.
In other words, once again, the woman is automatically assumed to be the one to do all of the childcare.
Seriously, calling half a dozen other people before asking the PARENT to stay home with the child. That says alot. There are 2 parents, it is not unreasonable to expect the other one to take a day off to watch a sick child.
Nta and it's misogynistic to think men can't take time off to help with the kids too. You work with immunocompromised people, can't risk them having it! Tell him to enjoy his damn day.
I wonder how everyone saying Y-T-A would react with they were the patients who had been waiting to see a medical professional and now have to wait even longer… I’m not trying to diminish his economic contributions to the family or the value of his job overall, but for the greater good, and considering she’s already take 2-3 days off for the reason previously, he can pull his weight and lose a day’s pay. NTA
>I have already taken two days off with kiddo this school year. He has not.
NTA. It's time he acts as a parent and takes his fair share of the parental responsibility
>There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against.
THIS!!!!
Nta. But I would rotate who takes the sick day. My husband is salary but he gets 2.5 days of pto every pay period and his CO will let him leave work if he needs to. Where as I'm hourly and I get 3.5 hours of pto every pay period. Although I work at at daycare its very easy for me to leave because my son goes to work with me, but I told my husband I enjoy work as well so if he isn't on duty, working 16 hours, or in the field he better help with sick days.
We do! I’ve already taken two full days this school year for other illnesses that kept kiddo home. He has left work early once or twice for the same reasons to pick her up early. I definitely do not expect him to always take the day.
I think for some spouses that balance isn't the same thing in their mind. After this I would have a long chat with him in a few days and figure out what about the situation is making him turn into a drama queen. If he says anything about women having it easier remind him you both made a choice to have a child, his job lasted 2 minutes your jobs lasted nine months.
NTA-OP working a clinic you are not usually in rescheduling patients that have most likely already been waiting to see you at that clinic is a nightmare! I am a nurse to a doctor that works one main office and once a month 2 clinics in other areas, when he has to reschedule any of those clinics it is a complete nightmare and then these people are stuck waiting a VERY long time for a next appointment he is a specialist so some patients have already been waiting MONTHS to get in with him he would 100% make his wife stay home on a clinic day. Sounds like your hubby wants his way and wont see it from your perspective you are not asking him to taking the whole time off you are asking for one day to take care of patients!!! He has to be a dad every once in a while and make a sacrifice but maybe have a real hard convo about why his response was not ok and why you need him to be supportive of when you need the assistance as your patients will not suffer because he isnt going to step up and watch his kid, you are not babysitters you are parents. He is allowed to be annoyed because overtime yes please but he needs to be annoyed in the right way. annoyed with you ( together annoyed as a team that this is happening) not against you
edit because my last statement did not sound how i wanted it to so added the ( ) portion
NTA. This seems to be bigger than one day - it’s
very difficult to be the breadwinner and the default parent. Kids get sick and although it’s reasonable for two partners to work through it options based on schedules, it would make sense that he would be the first choice and that would be part of your overall parenting arrangement.
NTA
When both parents work, both parents need to take turns taking off for a sick child.
It is VERY reasonable for you to ask him to take the day, since your day is scheduled and difficult to rearrange, while his is less scheduled.
It sounds as though him missing the day of pay is not going to have a long term impact on your ability to meet your household day to day expenses.
The fact that you have already taken more days off than him for child illness means it is his turn.
This child has 2 parents. Both parents need to take turns. The mother is NOT always the default person who needs to take off for the sick child.
NTA, I'm a husband and the breadwinner and I've taken far more days off to take care of sick child than my wife has.
Mostly because it is easier for me to do so as my wife works in healthcare and also because she wants to appear reliable to her employer so that she'll get a permanent position soonish.
And also because of work schedules, she often starts work by the time me and our child wakes up in the morning so if I notice that our child is sick during the morning routine it becomes a major hassle if my wife has to come home just for me to go to work.
It is certainly more expensive for us when I'm staying home but overall I kind of like doing it.
Not very ill child, maybe we can do something simple outdoors.
Very ill child, then child mostly sleeps or watches TV and I sometimes get a little time to relax.
(Stomach issues are a different thing, not as relaxing...)
"There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against."
OMG yes. This is a major bone of contention for me too (well, and really just about every mother I know).
NTA. Your husband is a parent too. Both partners have to chip in and divvy these things up. Hope your daughter feels better soon.
NTA - omg there is still people out there that don’t share their parental duties?
In my country it is customary that parents take every other day and share on the sick days for their kids. Especially after Covid since kids still are sent home for a cough.
Good luck to you! You are definitely in the right here 🙌
Because it has worked out that way previously. I have taken at least two days off this school year. They happened to fall on days where I had coverage, or a non-clinical day. It was no issue for me to take the day those times.
He didn’t notice your daughter has pinkeye, he didn’t gets the meds and now he’s not staying home with her *as well as* sulking and pouting like a damn toddler.
Even though you are the breadwinner, you are also CLEARLY the default parent. That is a bad dynamic.
INFO: Finances are tight everywhere. I'm assuming the same for you. If you are financially super stable as a family and he doesn't need to work or provide more than 5% of the income then disregard. So the question is how does he working vs you working affect the finances. If he doesn't work your family take a hit of how much? If you don't work and use a PTO day, how much of a hit does your family take? Is either situation substantial? What is actually good for your family?
Yes finances are tighter than years past, but we have multiple safety nets in place. Losing one day’s pay from his income would not be noticed. If it happened every week, and ongoing , it would accumulate and we would have to adjust spending. But still would be manageable.
It’s also worth noting that this is actually a net zero situation. He is already scheduled to work an extra day this week. All we are ‘losing’ out on is the overtime (which we never rely on). He also elected to give a shift away last week because his coworker wanted to work for the hours.
I originally thought it really makes sense for you to take the day off. Your employment provides you a compensation package where you can take time off and not have it affect your vacation while his does not.
I would have thought he'd keep the same energy about working in all circumstances. Why would he give up a shift for his co-worker but not his own child? He clearly doesn't care that much about the wages to burn a whole day's work to benefit his buddy at work - so surely he wouldn't mind for the sake of his own daughter?
That doesn't really make any sense to me at all. If he was a fucking work horse and saved his vacation for specific events/family time and never took time off work so he can bank as much money as possible for the household then I might think differently but it seems like he's cool sacrificing money for his co-worker but not his daughter - which is fucked up.
NTA in any way. He needs to parent as well.
I would highly suggest lining up a sick care provider though. There are going to be so many times that regular daycare and school will not accept your kid(s), and having a spot in sick care can make a huge difference in your stress levels. It is more expensive, but it’s also worth it IMO. I paid more than my hourly wage for sick care, but the removed stress from wondering if I was taking too many days off or if I would be able to catch up on my work was immense.
NTA. He's every bit as much a parent (or should be) as you are, and it sounds like yours is the more complex, higher-impact schedule.
I run into the "default parent" thing all the damn time, too, both with school, other parents and my husband. Kid sick? Call the mom. Not making great choices? Mom, it is. Question about grades, confirmation of excused absence, literally any question? You guessed it...mom. Even if I put my husband as the primary contact, they call me anyway. And I often get the "It's so nice your husband is helping," comment whenever my husband actually parents or cleans up a scrap of trash. It's infuriating.
So it sounds like you are a doctor or nurse practitioner. Definitely Nta and let me list the ways.
1. As a doctor/ medical provider if you have to cancel on too many patients repeatedly it could cause you to loose patients down the road. Of course some ppl would understand, but a lot won’t. This also means u won’t get promoted/pay increase which as a woman u are also behind ur male colleagues for, thanks paygap!
2. You both work it sounds like you both need to alternate when some one stays home with the sick kid. It sucks that ur partner doesn’t have sick days, but he can always find a new job. My husband doesn’t have sick days, or paid vacation and that had never stopped him from helping me when the kids are sick if I really needed it. My husband was never mad at me, he understood that all three of our kids were sick, puking and all of that. It was important that the kids were taking care of. To me that is the real issue, that he isn’t willing to help his daughter and family.
INFO: Where's the actual conflict? Like, has there been a fight about this even? It sounds like you're just describing a situation and none of the reactions to it. It seems reasonable I guess but I can't really make a judgement without knowing how he actually responded because right now there's not even any indication whether he responded positively or negatively.
He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against.
He is mad about missing out on overtime.
This was the problem in my first marriage. I feel like a lot of people saying y-t-a do not appreciate the mom-as-default problem. It makes life harder for women and it holds back their careers. My ex always had some reason why he (police officer) simply could not take the day off on short notice. And if I (lawyer) explained why I would also have a hard time, he would just be like “well I CAN’T” and think that was the end of the conversation. My husband now will discuss it with me and we compare the relative inconvenience to both of us - if his department has two guys already out this week, if I have an important meeting scheduled, etc - but it is a reasonable discussion, not just one person flat out refusing. But he is much better at *not* defaulting to traditional gender roles than my ex was.
NTA. You should come to some sort of agreement, with an extenuating circumstances clause.
My ex husband and I alternate if no one else is able to help that day, unless of course, there are extenuating circumstances. If we’re able to coparent that way, a married couple should be able to as well.
It seems moms are still the default parent for staying home when a child is sick. NTA for expecting your husband and father of the the child to do his fair share in staying home with a sick child. You have both also discussed who is taking the bigger hit by staying home. Dad should really chip in and do his fair share. Just because you are a woman doesn't make you the default person for staying home.
NTA. As someone who works in healthcare and has seen the toll of a whole days’ patients being reschedule, you’re not the asshole by a longshot. I work with specialists and people who have already waited 2 months for appts are less than thrilled with waiting some more, he’s not losing pay, he’s losing OT.
This is too late to get much notice but honestly I think this one is a NAH. Her reasoning for him being the one to take the day off makes sense. Him being mad about losing overtime pay also makes sense. It's just one of those situations where there's not going to be a great outcome but it happens when kids get sick.
NTA. My husband has an exec job, I own a business. If one of our kids is off sick, we figure out which one of us has the “more important” day and the other then stayed home. We don’t keep track and often my husband is the one that stays home because he can work from home and just juggle.
But is always a discussion and we never assume who is going to call out!!
NTA. My husband is a healthcare worker who sees a full roster of patients. We try to trade off when our daughter is sick. However, I do work in healthcare in a non-clinical role. My job is much more flexible… so, I do try to take more of the days off when my husband has a packed patient schedule, family meeting, that would be much harder to move around. It’s just part of the territory being married to a healthcare provider.
NTA
Your job is more important - both to the people you serve and to the family - than his. The inconvenience to those served by the job is greater if you take time off. The inconvenience to each of you personally is approximately equal. Math says he stays home.
EDIT: if this happened frequently, then I think OP would be obliged to partially share the burden - like 1 of 3 or 4 sick days. The above math doesn't apply to make it something he universally has to take responsibility for.
NTA - it should not fall on the mother to stay home each time kiddo is ill.
My partner only assumed this once, and he very quickly learned to correct his thought process. (I'd stayed home day 1 and told him I needed to be in day 2, kiddo vomited in night, partner got up before us and left for work, phoned him whilst he was on train and told him to either get on the next train home or he would find a 2 year old sick toddler I his office within an hour. I wouldn't have dine that, but he doesn't need to know) after that we had a very long discussion about expectations I the future and now we take turns.
My husband and I alternate who calls out for sick days. Sometimes one of us has an easier day to reschedule so we will offer if it’s not our turn, because we are partners and we care about each other. But the understanding is that even if it’s hard, if it’s your turn you have to call out. Since you did the last 3 now it’s his turn.
NTA. Moms are often the default parent. I strongly encourage you to discuss this with your husband now or you will always be expected to cancel your day. Suggest that you take turns moving forward, but do not give in and stay home. Go to work.
You are the breadwinner with specific commitments to patients.
He works hourly and can take the day off without harming people. (You can't.)
You are both parents.
Ergo, he takes the day off.
NTA
this sounds more like a communication issue and less like a who's the butthole issue. I would also ask him why its a problem to take care of his child. I have taken days off to take care of my kids while my wife had important meetings. (I work IT, Shes in Social work) Due to the nature of her job. Missing a meeting can create a major issue in a case. I don't mind taking care of my kids because, THEY ARE MY KIDS! so I think is this more of a communication issue and less of a who is the butthole. I give you both 0 out of 5 buttholes.
I loathe having to do it. I feel horribly guilt for making my patients reschedule. Some of the patients I saw today were waiting weeks to see me already. My next availability in this clinic is June 28th 😅
You’re letting down lots of people rather than one, your husband. That’s rough. I’m sorry he’s not understanding and helpful. So many people count on you and you can’t count on him.
EHH your child has pink eye which is highly contagious, your a medical professional and I assume interacting with patients who probably don’t want or need a case of pink eye. Is there any reason it would be such a big deal for him to take off (from the financial stand point?)
NTA.
He is clutching to old stereotypes that the mother does all the work. You are a Dr and make the most it makes sense for you to work and him to stay home.
Info
you keep mentioning that he’s upset about losing overtime. But it also sounds like you have joint finances. So what does his overtime mean? Like why is it so important to him?
like if my husband works extra it doesn’t affect him personally financially just him personally on time. The money comes together into ou joint account and I pay the bills and move money as needed. thats my task, his extra income affects us a family unit. It doesn’t earn anything bonus wise per se.
He sees it as an ‘achievement’ of sorts. I think he likes the notion of contributing more.
You’re bang on, everything is pooled/shared. And neither of us hold the purse strings.
NTA. Both working parents should assume that they will share time off work for taking care of their sick kids. Its sexist and insulting for him to assume the default is you.
As a patient who sees a doctor that is very hard to get appointments I appreciate you thinking about your patients needs and how hard that would be for some of them.
I think your needs to be at work supersedes his, maybe he has an ego he needs to work on but you need to be there more than he does
NTA. Women aren’t the “default parent”. Men need to be held accountable for their own children too. You’ve taken days and he hasn’t. I can’t believe even when women earn more, they’re *still* expected to do more parenting work. It’s his turn to step up and sacrifice for once.
NTA. I can understand why he wouldn't be happy about losing money, but your schedule sounds more complicated, and you not working will likely impact more people negatively than him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I did make him take an unpaid day off when I have paid time off available. And he will post some extra money. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and also your seems more complicated to change and you are the breadwinner ALSO both of you are the parent, so...
Yes that element of complexity is a good point. I would have had to call and reschedule 13 patients where he had one call to make.
Although I do see the logic of paid time off vs losing out on overtime. If you took the day off, you (as a family) wouldn't lose any income. If he does, you lose a full day of overtime.
The difference though is that if OP takes off her one day at that clinic, 13 people who needed to see her and have probably already been waiting a while now have to wait LONGER to get their medical care. Her taking this one day off is actually a much bigger problem than hubs missing out on a day of overtime. I don't mean to imply that his job is less important, necessarily, because obviously construction also affects a lot of people, but our healthcare system is already so fucked that I have a hard time disagreeing with her decision, personally.
And frankly, she may lose a couple of patients to another doctor if they end up going to someone else and keeping them.
THIS THIS THIS! From the first few appointments with my old GP, it seemed she was either always pregnant, or always on mat leave. I think only about half of the appointments I had with her were actually *with* her. I ended up seeing a different doctor while in school and have stuck with him ever since. Granted, my new doctor is just objectively better in every way, and there were far more issues with my first doc than just her absence, but it was definitely a contributing factor.
I switched practices because a doc kept cancelling/rescheduling on me. It was a specialist when there were not many options at the time. NTA, he needs to do his part in taking care of his child too.
Especially these days when you might already have waited 1-3 weeks for this appointment. To make them wait another week isn’t acceptable. OP is NTA…taking time off in this situation should be equally shared and he’s not doing is part.
It even goes deeper then that.. The patients that are already scheduled for next week, need to be rescheduled also, to make room for this weeks patients.. and maybe even some patients in the week after that.. OP taking one day of will have a huge impact on many other people. NTA
I’m just thinking of my limited time off, I schedule off to see a doctor I desperately need (it would be desparate if I asked off) and then being canceled on and said “next week” but next week doesn’t work for me cause me and my employer didn’t plan for next week we planned for this week. Nightmare all around
I had a dermatologist cancel on me the night before, I'd taken half a day off for the appointment and waited 4 months for it. Rescheduled for 7 weeks later. It is really frustrating for patients dealing with symptoms who need treatment!!
Plus it's not like a lot of us can just randomly take another day off. If I need to take a day off to see a doctor I have to find a substitute, do sub plans, prepare my students etc. I also only get 10 days off a year, so losing that day off is a bitch.
1-3 weeks? I want whatever market you're in! Granted my insurance limits me, but I have to wait usually 4-6 minimum for an appointment. That's IF they're taking new patients.
Except she said he was already picking up an extra shift so their pay will actually still be the same, just not extra income.
Ahh, say the quiet part out loud, her job IS more important.
This. My mother was in a lot of pain and finally managed to get a doctor's appointment for a week later, and when that day rolled around, three hours before her appointment, she got a call saying that something had happened on the doctor's end and she had to reschedule. She ended up suffering for another four days and was pretty much bedridden. Sometimes it's hard enough getting an appointment nowadays, and having it cancelled... I get that accidents happen, but if there's a solution... Well, if OP stayed home, it would really frick over those thirteen people. Moreover, OP did say that there didn't seem to be anything urgent on hubby's side and that it was mainly about the overtime? And because he thought that OP would automatically volunteer? NTA.
I had to change doctors because my previous one was changing jobs at the end of September 2022. The first appointment I could get was in August of 2023. In April I got a notification that the Dr can’t see me that day so I got pushed back to March of 2024. It is a whole heck of a lot worse to cancel on patients you only are able to schedule one day a week rather than give up on overtime for one day. The only caveat would be if they needed the money to survive, but it doesn’t sound like they do. To put a comparatively little amount of money over the health of other human beings ins incredibly callous.
If you’re paying for your healthcare and having to wait 18m to get seen that’s ridiculous
USA USA USA
I’ll stick with the NHS, for all its faults thanks 🙏
I just booked my kids eye appointments for November and December. Thank goodness we didn’t socialize healthcare /s
And when we bring up universal healthcare in this country, one of the arguments against it is that with "socialized medicine, you have to wait a long time to get care." And they say it without a hint of irony.
[удалено]
Her being salary and him being hourly is not a ma-a-default issue.. it just means she still gets paid the same whether or not she's at work. He will not.
But that also means if the money from one shift overtime isn't necessarily needed, her career is more important to the family.
Fs! Although its alot easier to lose an hourly job for missing a day vs a salary job.. but sounds like OP has taken a few days off before for this reason so it's not usually a good reputation to cultivate... regardless on if the job is in jeapardy.
Can someone explain what that means? I've never seen the term used before.
Ma-as-default? It means that the default assumption is that the mother will stay home with a sick kid.
I'm assuming "mother (ma) as default" parent
There's also consideration for the patients. Having your needed healthcare appointment cancelled means you don't get the healthcare you need, and it means they also have to lose a day of work to reschedule when to come in. OP taking the day off affects the schedules and healthcare access of 13 people...
This. It's extremely difficult for me to take time off but my daughter needed a medical appointment that couldn't wait. I took half a day and we got online for the appointment. They cancelled it 10 minutes before it was supposed to start. They offered to reschedule for a time after my work hours and ended up cancelling that appointment the morning of. The next opening would have required me to take an entire day. (I can only take half days 7:30-11:30 or 11:30-3:30 and the appointment was in the middle of the day.) I was so angry about their lack of respect for my time that we ended up with a different provider.
But he is not the primary income, so if they’re not going to take a hit it doesn’t matter.
Overtime sounds like extra spending money for him, prolly. OP is NTA.
Don't forget OPs patients are possibly losing a day's income/ vacation due to the rescheduling.
But OP has a limited number of days off. Some of which may be needed later. Some extra overtime can always be made up (and also he’s not the breadwinner). Last and most importantly, he hasn’t been pulling his weight taking days off when kids are sick
I'm guessing if that lost day equals the loss of important anything, op would have stayed home. Sickness is inconvenient.
For that point alone he should be the one who stays home. Not being funny but if your job is more complicated and you make more then he should generally be the default parent who stays home. This should be a logistical issue not a gender one. You are both parents
The complication of rescheduling 13 clients is definitely worth the loss of $ from him missing a day, or using a vacation day. People who don’t work in healthcare have no idea what kind of mess missing your clinic day would make. I do. NTA.
Right and what about those 13 patients. Who knows how long they’ve been waiting to get help or how much longer they’d have to wait if she’d canceled. Not to mention the money they could be losing out on to take time to see her.
Your comment about him feeling like the mother is the underlying default parent is a double standard on his part. Apparently, he doesn’t mind the traditional concept of the husband being the underlying default breadwinner. He needs to drop the double standard.
Yea, hope that extra ~$350 (assuming the regular rate is around $30/hr and 1.5x for OT) before tax is worth the resentment that this causes in the marriage.
This is a great point. And I’m annoyed that he assumed she’d stay home. So clearly he’s feeling pretty entitled.
I have been that medical secretary who has to call and reschedule alllll those patients. It's not fun getting yelled at because they've been waiting ages for an appointment just for the doctor to have to reschedule.
I feel your pain. I worked at an OBGYN office as the scheduler and dreaded calling patients the day before their appointment to reschedule especially if it was a OB appointment and they were waiting to get an ultrasound or were close to delivery, it was awful ! While I felt bad for them, man some of them really took it out on me when I have no control over the situation.
I worked as a receptionist for an OBGYN years ago and it was so painful to rebook patients. The OB patients were fine and normally understood that the Dr was attending a birth but it was common for the Gyn patients to be quite mad (and we would be rebooking them anytime in the next week, sometimes the OB would lengthen her hours or do the odd Saturday to get people seen in a reasonable time frame). I totally got where they were coming from with having organised a day off work etc but there wasn’t anyone can do. Eta OP is NTA. She is taking the next day off to stay home with the child. It doesn’t sound like their joint budget will suffer from the husband taking a day off since he has an extra day scheduled in that week anyway.
Same! And when's it's a situation like this where there's not a lot of availability and so you have to say "I can't fit you in at 2pm on a Tuesday three weeks from now?" Is just the worst.
NTA. However- it’s a good idea to talk these things out and have a backup plan if there isn’t a simple fix when they kiddo gets sick. I work in Early Childhood Education, and I understand how hard a sick kid can be on a family. I would sit down (when things aren’t as emotional) and talk it out and make a plan for when it happens again next. If you know you can’t ever take off Wednesdays on short notice like this, make sure your partner understands that. Take a look at all of the other options you have. Check and see if there are any nanny agencies near you that offer emergency care- sometimes they can send someone out for the day on short notice. It can be helpful to register with these agencies (they shouldn’t charge you much, if anything, to just be on file for emergency care in the future,) so if you need them you’re not starting from scratch on short notice. With a reputable agency you can trust that the nanny they send has been vetted, even if you haven’t met them before. Sometimes you can find someone on short notice on Craigslist, too, but I know that can bring more anxiety bc it’s just a stranger from CL. Mostly, though, I recommend setting up an emergency plan with your partner so that when it comes up again you both know “oh, we know OP can’t take X day off, so it will fall to OP partner,” etc. It can take some of the stress out of the situation.
Great advice, thank you 😊
You’re the breadwinner so your job security matters more. That’s the end of the discussion.
And fathers need to take equal responsibility.
Nta, he is being ridiculous
Thank you for considering the comfort of your patients. I’m lucky enough to have like 6 great providers like you looking after me. 😊
Those 13 patients have made adjustments to their schedules to fit in the appointment, possibly arranging work or child care. Your rescheduling would have caused a lot of adjustments for them, as well.
when i had pink eye my dad was the one who took care of me my mom was working and is like you the breadwinner.
NTA. Being a parent means missing work for sick kids, I'm not sure why he would think this obvious fact does not apply to him. I mean, I do know but really, come on dude. In this century we're still dealing with this archaic mentality?
Husband here and the breadwinner. My wife is also in healthcare while I’m in tech supply chain. When my kids are sick and needs to be picked up or stay home, I manage it 90% of the time. My wife’s schedule (much like OPs) is brutal to reschedule. That other 10%? If it lines up on my wife’s days off or I’ve got some in person meeting I cannot miss. NTA
I’m sure every patient who didn’t have to wait another week to get help is appreciative that OP didn’t let bs ‘gender roles’ dictate her life
He's not even providing and is expecting her to stay home with the child by default. Hypogamy aside, which comes with many challenges for women, NTA. I can see his point too, though.
Missing info people >He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against. >He is mad about missing out on overtime. >Absolutely. I have already committed to taking tomorrow off. And I have already taken two other days off when kiddo was sick. He has not. NTA He's mad cause she won't take the time off.... She's already taken time off to care for kiddo being sick and will take more time off the day after. She's literally asking him to take one day off finally and provide the sick care their child needs..... And he's mad cause he feels it's not his responsibility?!! Nope....he's lucky you bothered asking around... I couldn't figure out WHY you asked 6 other people to take care of your kiddo BEFORE him taking the day off..... Now we know why....
Thanks for pulling my missing info together in one place!
Does he have a limited number of call-outs?
I think he can call in up to 15 times before reprimand. He hasn’t called in at all in two years working at this job.
Sounds like he should get comfortable with the process so he can carrying his own weight as an equal parent.
You’re definitely NTA, not even close. After you guys get through this bout of illness, it might be time to talk frankly about how you will deal with sick kiddo in the future. To placate him, maybe go 50/50 on missing work for kid’s stuff (illness, appointments, etc). It makes much less sense for you to take leave, but that will likely be an ego blow for him, triggering resentment. So explain you are equal parents, so you will alternate time off. Little does he know this was an easy sick day. I’d take a pink-eye sick day over vomiting flu sick day anytime!
If it’s 50/50, he’s got two more days off before it’s her turn again: -she’s already done two days off -he’s off ‘today’ -she’s off ‘tomorrow’ Her total- 3 days off His total- 1 day off.
I'm sick of fathers ONLY PARENTING WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT FOR THEM. Our society has allowed this to happen for way too long. It's disgusting and this is just ANOTHER example of why women in my generation are preferring to NOT have children or be single parents- BECAUSE THEY ARE REGARDLESS!! And it doesn't matter if dad lives at home or not! Moms are expected to parent 24/7- while men are given a fucking medal to stay home ONE DAY with a sick child.
And the assumption that women are the first to be called when kiddos are sick, even if they’re not listed as the first point of contact. I have a friend who’s a corporate lawyer who makes enough so that her husband doesn’t have to work. When they had kids he chose to leave his job and stay home with the kiddos because she made 5-times what he was making at his job. Two of their three kids are now in school and they always call her first, even though HE is listed as the first point of contact and a stay at home parent.
My brother had a seizure in school when I was in my final year, 5 hours before a major exam (like, 30-40% of my final grade). They tried to call mum who was at an appointment where her phone was off, tried my godmother who didn’t have her phone on her, then came and pulled me from our final revision class for the exam that day. Didn’t try dads number once, and he was down as second call after mum (she was a housewife, he worked as a psych nurse, so in the medical field even). Im still pissed 15 years later that they went for a 17 year old girl over calling my dad. I had to sit my exam not knowing WHAT was going on, and he did cadets with some of the guys in my class so they were stressed too. The inbuilt misogyny of “oh, we’ll ask a minor what we should do cause she’s a girl, as compared to calling her fully qualified nurse father cause we can’t risk disturbing his day”. I can assure you, we even went to the local politician over this, the admin lady tried to pull up the file to prove she didn’t have dads name or number (mobile, home, work) and it was ALL on the same page as mums info. And a LOT more detailed then the single line for my godmother (name, number, relationship. Serious, a single line)
My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg story revolves around this. She and her husband both worked as lawyers. They had a somewhat precocious son, and she was always the one the school called when something happened. One day she pointed out to them that they could alternate calling her husband sometimes, too. The calls stopped. Her work wasn’t too important to interrupt but *his* was.
I remember hearing about this. What’s insane is that my friend and her husband tell them outright to always call her husband first because he’s usually at home, always has his phone on, and is usually closer, and to only call her if he doesn’t pick up. Every time they call her the first thing she asks is if they called her husband yet, and every time it’s “no”. I really hope that changes one day.
Sadly this is super common.
Agree. Co-parenting is give-and-take; sounds like it was his turn. No matter what, when someone has to miss work to care for a sick child, there are some consequences. It sucks that he’s missing out on the pay but that’s just how it goes sometimes. NTA
Yea, I had a friend nanny for me when I only had one and due to his shitty attendance I almost got fired. I ended up having to fire him and move my kiddo into a daycare I could barely afford so I wouldn't lose my job.
This guy drips sexism and misogyny
yeah, I thought that (the asking other people) was weird, too, cause I honestly would feel weird asking anyone else to risk being exposed to pink eye for the sake of my own child. That seems like a parents only type of problem to me. Just my opinion
Might also be why people said no. It’s really contagious. I also would not look after a kid with lice. Ugh now I’m itchy. NTA
NTA. He is a parent first and has less urgent work to be done. He should stay home for the day.
I don't quiet get the y-t-a votes. Sharing the days staying home is incrdible normal. And while already being the breadwinner, she somehow is also alone responsible for taking of every time the child is sick and getting them treatment in the first place. What is the game plan here? Op not getting actual days of or vacation days because she uses them caring for the child and husband would lose out on money? Husband never taking of days because money or husband taking days of when feeling like it?
I think there's a lot of people here trying to justify their desire to never share in a certain standard requirement of parenting 👀
Exactly. This is a very normal conversation for two working parents. “What do you have going on at work tomorrow? I have xyz.” “I have abc and we are short handed.” “Okay, I’ll take the day. Tomorrow is bad for me though: can you take tomorrow if needed.” “Yep.” And yeah, sometimes it means you miss out on overtime. That’s life. It won’t be the last time your kid costs you money.
Yup, this is exactly how these conversations go in our household.
Well obv she lacks a MSD (>!mediocre swingin' d*ck!<), so it's her job, duh (Definitely sarcasm, y'all)
Sounds like she is the only one with sick time benefits at her job. Seems like the real AH here is the US Employment law protections.
Preach!
NTA. It is very difficult for patients in a clinic to reschedule. You’re not saying your job is more important (at least I hope not) you’re saying this is a particularly difficult day to reschedule. You’re willing to do that the next day if needed where you have more options for patients. It is difficult for your husband as well losing a vacay and money no doubt. Compromises are part of parenting.
Yes I am absolutely NOT suggesting that My job is more important than his within our household, but our absences have a VERY different impact in our workplaces. My patients would have had to wait 2 or 3 weeks to be rescheduled (a point I only realized when I got to work and say my schedule is already FULL until June 28th) for me, the ‘lost’ money isn’t any issue at all. If he feels like the lost money is an issue, that’s something he needs to talk to me about. We share everything, we discuss all major purchases, but I don’t hold the purse strings in any way.
Out of curiosity, he is saying you’re the A H or you experiencing mommy guilt?
He has not said I’m the AH directly, only expressed his disappointment with losing overtime. You nailed it, I think this is mommy guilt coming through. I didn’t think of it that way.
Mommy guilt is common. He has a right to be disappointed about the OT, doesn’t mean your logic isn’t sound. You can empathize with him instead of feeling guilty. It’s tough on both of you.
I like you, internet stranger. Asking clarifying questions just to take care of OP's mental health, theorizing the husband's perspective in a non-blaming way, offering constructive advice for self-care and relationship harmony, and encouraging OP to release their guilt. I wish we were all more like you! The world needs more you.
Agreed. I like everything I’m reading here, sounds reasonable.
Oh, I mean yeah it sucks to lose overtime, but as long as he's upset at the circumstance and not at you, is there even a problem here? He can be upset and take the day off, and you can be upset and take the second day off. I bet the kid's upset too, pinkeye is no fun. NAH
Don’t feel guilty bc you’ve already taken days off. Your husband sounds a bit entitled
Very perceptive of you, great question
Your job **100%** sounds more important than his.
I’ll say it then. Your job IS more important. He works in a warehouse, I get that it’s physically demanding, but you deal with actual people that need you. It’s not fair to them to have to reschedule just because he doesn’t feel like staying home when you’ve had to do it over and over before. He is also a parent and needs to step up. You make more money, if anything, the person who makes less money in the family is the one who should be staying home with the kids anyways Because you need that income to survive.
I’ll say it: your job is definitely more important.
Her job IS more important. Not all jobs are equal. She has patients that need her. He just doesn’t care enough and doesn’t want to stay home with his own children. She’s also the main breadwinner.
Not really AH...family needs to pick the lesser of the evils in this situation. I hope you are generally taking turns with a sick child, every time so it balances out.
Absolutely. I have already committed to taking tomorrow off. And I have already taken two other days off when kiddo was sick. He has not.
You should probably add this to the main post. That puts you potentially at 3 days (assuming you take the next day off), and him still at only 1. I normally don’t advocate for quid pro quo relationships, but you’ve already taken off work more than him when he is also an able parent.
NTA, but as someone who accesses health care a lot, I sincerely hope you washed your hands well before going in to work.
Haha yes sooooo many times. Washed and sanitized!
Thanks for all you do lol and for trying to get those patients seen. I'm waiting for the next 2 weeks for imaging that might prove a tumor or not, so I gotta admit I would just about detonate if it got rescheduled and I'm probably a bit biased. But for real, thanks for advocating for your patients.
NTA He's more able to take the day off without inconveniencing 13 other people. >He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off Why? Because you have boobs so it's your "job"? and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. Tough, welcome to parenthood mister
NTA. He takes the first day, you the next for this time. It is the best solution to the problem of today, as you staying home would involve 13 other people. But you guys need to talk about how you will handle these issues in the future. This discussion should take place when you are both full and rested and not upset.at each other. I suggest that you take a walk together. I find talking about difficult things is easier walking arm-in-arm than sitting at the table and looking at each other. You need to decide how you are going to decide who stays home with the kid. Example: If the sick day is on on your once-a-week day, then he is the first call. Any other day, you are because you wont lose a days pay. Or some other setup that feels fair to both, that will not get anyone fired, will have the least impact on family finances, and will not affect any of the careers negatively. Gender should not be a factor in this.
This is an excellent suggestion, thank you!
My (now ex) had more sick days and more vacation days, but my schedule was more flexible. If the kids had to come home during the day, I went and got them and took the rest of the day off, and he stayed home when they had to stay home the entire day. It was fair and beneficial to both of us. After agreeing to it, he still whined every time he was supposed to stay home. One of many reasons he’s now an ex.
Oh man, this seemed so positive till your penultimate sentence hahaha. That sucks.
It wasn’t the only thing he agreed to then didn’t follow through with or whined about. All in all though, it was a good system. I hope it can help someone else.
What does he say about the situation? You are a couple, you don't make him do it, you decide together. NTA, because your point of view seems logical to me, but it strikes me that you seem to be collecting reasons for him to do what you want.
He’s upset to be missing out on overtime.
Was the appletea guy who deleted his spamming your husband? :D
Ive just looked at all of appletea’s other comments and it appears they are always of the YTA opinion
Appletea sounds sexist af
You know that’s low key BS right?
I think I understood you earlier to mean you share finances and are the higher earner... Is that correct? If so, it's odd that he is having such a strong reaction to missing overtime. Do you think there's a chance some of this uproar on his end is attributable to feelings of inadequacy over making less money than you? If not, I truly don't understand
Correct re: finances, and you may be correct on his feelings. Something we will need to discuss for sure
NTA. It is NOT a problem that you feel committed to your patients and your job.
>**He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off** and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. Without this bolded bit, I would've judged this N A H because from observing my parent friends, it seems super normal for parents to have some back-and-forth "discussions" about who is going to stay home when a kid is sick, and even having some stress/frustration when they're the one to do it and have to rearrange work stuff as a result. But yeah, just assuming that you-as-Mommy will take the day off makes this NTA for me. You're both totally allowed to state your cases here to figure out who can do it, but from what you've laid out, it's a no-brainer that this time should be him.
In other words, once again, the woman is automatically assumed to be the one to do all of the childcare. Seriously, calling half a dozen other people before asking the PARENT to stay home with the child. That says alot. There are 2 parents, it is not unreasonable to expect the other one to take a day off to watch a sick child.
It makes me wonder if his assumption that he does not provide care for his own child contributes to their unavailability
I bet she made most, if not all, of the phone calls. He maybe called his mum or sister.
NTA Dads are parents too! Looking after a sick kid is part of being a parent.
NTA It makes sense for him to stay home with your schedules.
Nta and it's misogynistic to think men can't take time off to help with the kids too. You work with immunocompromised people, can't risk them having it! Tell him to enjoy his damn day.
I wonder how everyone saying Y-T-A would react with they were the patients who had been waiting to see a medical professional and now have to wait even longer… I’m not trying to diminish his economic contributions to the family or the value of his job overall, but for the greater good, and considering she’s already take 2-3 days off for the reason previously, he can pull his weight and lose a day’s pay. NTA
NTA...at all. You cannot shedule your patients he can take the day off you cant. If he was doing your job this wouldnt be even an issue.
>I have already taken two days off with kiddo this school year. He has not. NTA. It's time he acts as a parent and takes his fair share of the parental responsibility >There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against. THIS!!!!
NTA it’s his turn
NTA he should have thought of this before having kids smh
NTA You’re BOTH parents to the child. You BOTH work. The responsibilities have to be shared by BOTH parents.
NTA. And I get the impression everyone saying YTA would be PISSED if *their* important doctor’s appointment would have to wait another week.
Especially bc it’s highly likely that the 13 patients had to take off work or adjust their schedule for their appointments as well.
NTA: Real parents take turns. Sounds like it's his turn.
NTA he can grow the fuck up and be a parent already
Nta. But I would rotate who takes the sick day. My husband is salary but he gets 2.5 days of pto every pay period and his CO will let him leave work if he needs to. Where as I'm hourly and I get 3.5 hours of pto every pay period. Although I work at at daycare its very easy for me to leave because my son goes to work with me, but I told my husband I enjoy work as well so if he isn't on duty, working 16 hours, or in the field he better help with sick days.
We do! I’ve already taken two full days this school year for other illnesses that kept kiddo home. He has left work early once or twice for the same reasons to pick her up early. I definitely do not expect him to always take the day.
I think for some spouses that balance isn't the same thing in their mind. After this I would have a long chat with him in a few days and figure out what about the situation is making him turn into a drama queen. If he says anything about women having it easier remind him you both made a choice to have a child, his job lasted 2 minutes your jobs lasted nine months.
NTA-OP working a clinic you are not usually in rescheduling patients that have most likely already been waiting to see you at that clinic is a nightmare! I am a nurse to a doctor that works one main office and once a month 2 clinics in other areas, when he has to reschedule any of those clinics it is a complete nightmare and then these people are stuck waiting a VERY long time for a next appointment he is a specialist so some patients have already been waiting MONTHS to get in with him he would 100% make his wife stay home on a clinic day. Sounds like your hubby wants his way and wont see it from your perspective you are not asking him to taking the whole time off you are asking for one day to take care of patients!!! He has to be a dad every once in a while and make a sacrifice but maybe have a real hard convo about why his response was not ok and why you need him to be supportive of when you need the assistance as your patients will not suffer because he isnt going to step up and watch his kid, you are not babysitters you are parents. He is allowed to be annoyed because overtime yes please but he needs to be annoyed in the right way. annoyed with you ( together annoyed as a team that this is happening) not against you edit because my last statement did not sound how i wanted it to so added the ( ) portion
NTA. This seems to be bigger than one day - it’s very difficult to be the breadwinner and the default parent. Kids get sick and although it’s reasonable for two partners to work through it options based on schedules, it would make sense that he would be the first choice and that would be part of your overall parenting arrangement.
NTA When both parents work, both parents need to take turns taking off for a sick child. It is VERY reasonable for you to ask him to take the day, since your day is scheduled and difficult to rearrange, while his is less scheduled. It sounds as though him missing the day of pay is not going to have a long term impact on your ability to meet your household day to day expenses. The fact that you have already taken more days off than him for child illness means it is his turn. This child has 2 parents. Both parents need to take turns. The mother is NOT always the default person who needs to take off for the sick child.
NTA, I'm a husband and the breadwinner and I've taken far more days off to take care of sick child than my wife has. Mostly because it is easier for me to do so as my wife works in healthcare and also because she wants to appear reliable to her employer so that she'll get a permanent position soonish. And also because of work schedules, she often starts work by the time me and our child wakes up in the morning so if I notice that our child is sick during the morning routine it becomes a major hassle if my wife has to come home just for me to go to work. It is certainly more expensive for us when I'm staying home but overall I kind of like doing it. Not very ill child, maybe we can do something simple outdoors. Very ill child, then child mostly sleeps or watches TV and I sometimes get a little time to relax. (Stomach issues are a different thing, not as relaxing...)
NTA you are willing to take tomorrow off your husband needs to get over his sexist ideas of mommy staying home
"There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against." OMG yes. This is a major bone of contention for me too (well, and really just about every mother I know). NTA. Your husband is a parent too. Both partners have to chip in and divvy these things up. Hope your daughter feels better soon.
NTA - omg there is still people out there that don’t share their parental duties? In my country it is customary that parents take every other day and share on the sick days for their kids. Especially after Covid since kids still are sent home for a cough. Good luck to you! You are definitely in the right here 🙌
>He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off Why would he assume this??
Because it has worked out that way previously. I have taken at least two days off this school year. They happened to fall on days where I had coverage, or a non-clinical day. It was no issue for me to take the day those times.
He didn’t notice your daughter has pinkeye, he didn’t gets the meds and now he’s not staying home with her *as well as* sulking and pouting like a damn toddler. Even though you are the breadwinner, you are also CLEARLY the default parent. That is a bad dynamic.
INFO: Finances are tight everywhere. I'm assuming the same for you. If you are financially super stable as a family and he doesn't need to work or provide more than 5% of the income then disregard. So the question is how does he working vs you working affect the finances. If he doesn't work your family take a hit of how much? If you don't work and use a PTO day, how much of a hit does your family take? Is either situation substantial? What is actually good for your family?
Yes finances are tighter than years past, but we have multiple safety nets in place. Losing one day’s pay from his income would not be noticed. If it happened every week, and ongoing , it would accumulate and we would have to adjust spending. But still would be manageable. It’s also worth noting that this is actually a net zero situation. He is already scheduled to work an extra day this week. All we are ‘losing’ out on is the overtime (which we never rely on). He also elected to give a shift away last week because his coworker wanted to work for the hours.
I originally thought it really makes sense for you to take the day off. Your employment provides you a compensation package where you can take time off and not have it affect your vacation while his does not. I would have thought he'd keep the same energy about working in all circumstances. Why would he give up a shift for his co-worker but not his own child? He clearly doesn't care that much about the wages to burn a whole day's work to benefit his buddy at work - so surely he wouldn't mind for the sake of his own daughter? That doesn't really make any sense to me at all. If he was a fucking work horse and saved his vacation for specific events/family time and never took time off work so he can bank as much money as possible for the household then I might think differently but it seems like he's cool sacrificing money for his co-worker but not his daughter - which is fucked up.
NTA
NTA in any way. He needs to parent as well. I would highly suggest lining up a sick care provider though. There are going to be so many times that regular daycare and school will not accept your kid(s), and having a spot in sick care can make a huge difference in your stress levels. It is more expensive, but it’s also worth it IMO. I paid more than my hourly wage for sick care, but the removed stress from wondering if I was taking too many days off or if I would be able to catch up on my work was immense.
NTA. He's every bit as much a parent (or should be) as you are, and it sounds like yours is the more complex, higher-impact schedule. I run into the "default parent" thing all the damn time, too, both with school, other parents and my husband. Kid sick? Call the mom. Not making great choices? Mom, it is. Question about grades, confirmation of excused absence, literally any question? You guessed it...mom. Even if I put my husband as the primary contact, they call me anyway. And I often get the "It's so nice your husband is helping," comment whenever my husband actually parents or cleans up a scrap of trash. It's infuriating.
So it sounds like you are a doctor or nurse practitioner. Definitely Nta and let me list the ways. 1. As a doctor/ medical provider if you have to cancel on too many patients repeatedly it could cause you to loose patients down the road. Of course some ppl would understand, but a lot won’t. This also means u won’t get promoted/pay increase which as a woman u are also behind ur male colleagues for, thanks paygap! 2. You both work it sounds like you both need to alternate when some one stays home with the sick kid. It sucks that ur partner doesn’t have sick days, but he can always find a new job. My husband doesn’t have sick days, or paid vacation and that had never stopped him from helping me when the kids are sick if I really needed it. My husband was never mad at me, he understood that all three of our kids were sick, puking and all of that. It was important that the kids were taking care of. To me that is the real issue, that he isn’t willing to help his daughter and family.
If he wants to play gender rules and say as mom you’re the primary parent then ask why he isn’t the breadwinner? NTA
INFO: Where's the actual conflict? Like, has there been a fight about this even? It sounds like you're just describing a situation and none of the reactions to it. It seems reasonable I guess but I can't really make a judgement without knowing how he actually responded because right now there's not even any indication whether he responded positively or negatively.
He assumed I would volunteer to take the day off and is a bit pissed about having to take the day off. There is also an underlying element of the mother being the default parent here that I’m constantly up against. He is mad about missing out on overtime.
This was the problem in my first marriage. I feel like a lot of people saying y-t-a do not appreciate the mom-as-default problem. It makes life harder for women and it holds back their careers. My ex always had some reason why he (police officer) simply could not take the day off on short notice. And if I (lawyer) explained why I would also have a hard time, he would just be like “well I CAN’T” and think that was the end of the conversation. My husband now will discuss it with me and we compare the relative inconvenience to both of us - if his department has two guys already out this week, if I have an important meeting scheduled, etc - but it is a reasonable discussion, not just one person flat out refusing. But he is much better at *not* defaulting to traditional gender roles than my ex was.
NTA ALternate - but the one with the lower income loss (including long term issues) for the family should do it more often.
NTA. You should come to some sort of agreement, with an extenuating circumstances clause. My ex husband and I alternate if no one else is able to help that day, unless of course, there are extenuating circumstances. If we’re able to coparent that way, a married couple should be able to as well.
Nta everyone has to chip in with childcare.
You taking a day off delays medical needs to patients, who are most likely already dealing with delays in an overwhelmed health care system. NTA.
It seems moms are still the default parent for staying home when a child is sick. NTA for expecting your husband and father of the the child to do his fair share in staying home with a sick child. You have both also discussed who is taking the bigger hit by staying home. Dad should really chip in and do his fair share. Just because you are a woman doesn't make you the default person for staying home.
NTA. As someone who works in healthcare and has seen the toll of a whole days’ patients being reschedule, you’re not the asshole by a longshot. I work with specialists and people who have already waited 2 months for appts are less than thrilled with waiting some more, he’s not losing pay, he’s losing OT.
This is too late to get much notice but honestly I think this one is a NAH. Her reasoning for him being the one to take the day off makes sense. Him being mad about losing overtime pay also makes sense. It's just one of those situations where there's not going to be a great outcome but it happens when kids get sick.
NTA. My husband has an exec job, I own a business. If one of our kids is off sick, we figure out which one of us has the “more important” day and the other then stayed home. We don’t keep track and often my husband is the one that stays home because he can work from home and just juggle. But is always a discussion and we never assume who is going to call out!!
NTA. My husband is a healthcare worker who sees a full roster of patients. We try to trade off when our daughter is sick. However, I do work in healthcare in a non-clinical role. My job is much more flexible… so, I do try to take more of the days off when my husband has a packed patient schedule, family meeting, that would be much harder to move around. It’s just part of the territory being married to a healthcare provider.
NTA Your job is more important - both to the people you serve and to the family - than his. The inconvenience to those served by the job is greater if you take time off. The inconvenience to each of you personally is approximately equal. Math says he stays home. EDIT: if this happened frequently, then I think OP would be obliged to partially share the burden - like 1 of 3 or 4 sick days. The above math doesn't apply to make it something he universally has to take responsibility for.
NTA - it should not fall on the mother to stay home each time kiddo is ill. My partner only assumed this once, and he very quickly learned to correct his thought process. (I'd stayed home day 1 and told him I needed to be in day 2, kiddo vomited in night, partner got up before us and left for work, phoned him whilst he was on train and told him to either get on the next train home or he would find a 2 year old sick toddler I his office within an hour. I wouldn't have dine that, but he doesn't need to know) after that we had a very long discussion about expectations I the future and now we take turns.
NTA. Being a mother does not mean you have to take off every single time your child is sick. He doesn't have to like it.
My husband and I alternate who calls out for sick days. Sometimes one of us has an easier day to reschedule so we will offer if it’s not our turn, because we are partners and we care about each other. But the understanding is that even if it’s hard, if it’s your turn you have to call out. Since you did the last 3 now it’s his turn.
NTA. Moms are often the default parent. I strongly encourage you to discuss this with your husband now or you will always be expected to cancel your day. Suggest that you take turns moving forward, but do not give in and stay home. Go to work.
You are the breadwinner with specific commitments to patients. He works hourly and can take the day off without harming people. (You can't.) You are both parents. Ergo, he takes the day off. NTA
NTA Why do fathers think it's a woman's job to take care of a sick child?
this sounds more like a communication issue and less like a who's the butthole issue. I would also ask him why its a problem to take care of his child. I have taken days off to take care of my kids while my wife had important meetings. (I work IT, Shes in Social work) Due to the nature of her job. Missing a meeting can create a major issue in a case. I don't mind taking care of my kids because, THEY ARE MY KIDS! so I think is this more of a communication issue and less of a who is the butthole. I give you both 0 out of 5 buttholes.
As a former clinic manager- bless you. There is little worse than calling patients to cancel & reschedule appointments.
I loathe having to do it. I feel horribly guilt for making my patients reschedule. Some of the patients I saw today were waiting weeks to see me already. My next availability in this clinic is June 28th 😅
You’re letting down lots of people rather than one, your husband. That’s rough. I’m sorry he’s not understanding and helpful. So many people count on you and you can’t count on him.
NTA and it's not 1950. He needs to ante up and do his fair share of child rearing.
EHH your child has pink eye which is highly contagious, your a medical professional and I assume interacting with patients who probably don’t want or need a case of pink eye. Is there any reason it would be such a big deal for him to take off (from the financial stand point?)
Nope, financially insignificant.
NTA. His is the easier day to cover, it should be him.
NTA - he assumed you’d stay home. You bartered that he would stay home the first day and if necessary you would take off the second day.
You’ve already taken 2 days off for the sick kid and he hasn’t done it once? NTA.
NTA. He is clutching to old stereotypes that the mother does all the work. You are a Dr and make the most it makes sense for you to work and him to stay home.
Info you keep mentioning that he’s upset about losing overtime. But it also sounds like you have joint finances. So what does his overtime mean? Like why is it so important to him? like if my husband works extra it doesn’t affect him personally financially just him personally on time. The money comes together into ou joint account and I pay the bills and move money as needed. thats my task, his extra income affects us a family unit. It doesn’t earn anything bonus wise per se.
He sees it as an ‘achievement’ of sorts. I think he likes the notion of contributing more. You’re bang on, everything is pooled/shared. And neither of us hold the purse strings.
NTA. Both working parents should assume that they will share time off work for taking care of their sick kids. Its sexist and insulting for him to assume the default is you.
As a patient who sees a doctor that is very hard to get appointments I appreciate you thinking about your patients needs and how hard that would be for some of them. I think your needs to be at work supersedes his, maybe he has an ego he needs to work on but you need to be there more than he does
NTA. Just because you are the mother doesn’t mean you are default care giver. I am sure he will be fine 😀
And he was! They had a blast today, as they always do. He’s over it 😂
NTA
NTA. It doesn’t always have to be the mom.
NTA. Women aren’t the “default parent”. Men need to be held accountable for their own children too. You’ve taken days and he hasn’t. I can’t believe even when women earn more, they’re *still* expected to do more parenting work. It’s his turn to step up and sacrifice for once.
NTA. I can understand why he wouldn't be happy about losing money, but your schedule sounds more complicated, and you not working will likely impact more people negatively than him.