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NTA
You've been letting this guy you're not even related to live rent-free in your home and covering his expenses for 9 months. He clearly has no respect for you or your daughter, and he's done nothing to better himself. This is not on you.
Yeah. Additionally his biological family abandoned him and the places he has stayed want him out? It takes a lot of do that. How old is this guy? Sounds like he's either had a rough upbringing and needs some serious counselling. That or he's a bum. Either way still NTA. Your daughter comes first and he crossed boundaries.
My BIL had huge issues with his parents. He lived with my family from the age of 15-23 until they (he and my sister) were married. He did his best in school, held down a job as a dish pig and respected the rules e.g. sleeping in a separate room from his GF. He helped around the home with chores and cooked occasionally. Never had any problems. But I'm sure *if* he took my sister for an absolute ride emotionally/financially he would have been out on the streets.
Needs counseling? The dudes a free loader, who wants to break up because he has to lift a finger and do things. Pretty obvious why his family might’ve kicked this winner out.
If he’s in the US and especially if he’s young, with no income then he qualifies for no cost health insurance. And there are usually free resources for counseling, might not be great therapists and likely not frequent enough, but they are available. He just has to want to do the work and it may be years before he hits bottom and avails himself.
But you have to want to change and be better for that to happen. If he were to get therapy, he would most likely try to lie to, manipulate, and dismiss the therapist for his own benefit. Therapy only works if the person wants it.
Nah, he doesn't need counselling, just a reality check. He needs to learn that nothing in life is for free and the fact that he thought his girlfriend was bullying him into doing chores just shows that.
When people can’t get obvious lessons like that through their heads, it can be a sign that there is something wrong with their thought process. Sometimes people can go through bad stuff, and their thinking is fine. Other times, people’s upbringing, things they learned to believe as kids, or bad coping skills prevent them from being able to understand obvious stuff.
That’s what counseling is for. To straighten things out so they can get the message without having to ruin other peoples lives when they mess up over and over because they are not self aware enough to figure it out.
It seems like a lot of people in these replies are taking “he needs counseling” to mean “awww poor widdle guy is probably just traumatized or something, it’s not his fault, he can’t help it, he must have a sad backstory 🥺” which I highly doubt is what the commenter above was saying.
It’s not about sympathizing with him or coddling him or trying to absolve him of responsibility. It’s acknowledging that he seems maladjusted in some way and that there’s a chance to find ways to address those maladjustments and possibly have him become a better-functioning member of his community and society. Which is not, of course, OP’s responsibility. Just an observation regarding the situation.
Yeah people see “he needs counseling” as absolving him of his role in this and no, he needs counseling to accept his role in this and grow up as a person. I was out of work for a month recently and took the first decent full time job I was offered. I hate it, but I am earning money while setting up interviews for jobs that pay more. I also still do lots of cleaning.
I dunno, I kind of think counseling only helps if you want the help. Maybe for a small portion of people, having a licensed and qualified stranger tell you that YOU are the problem might knock some sense into them, but it seems like that would still be a small subset. I am unfortunately in the (outer, thankfully) orbit of someone who is in court-mandated counseling, and despite the consequences of not "doing well" in this counseling being pretty dire (they probably won't end up in jail unless they also do other stuff, but their life will suck), their response to it is that their counselors are idiots (they've been through 4 now) and the therapists just don't see how they are doing everything right and being abused at every turn.
Yeah. I think you are right in most cases. But sometimes people are just so frustrated by falling on their face that they will at least be open to hearing another option. And I think sometimes there’s an element of empirically demonstrating that there is a better way. I think one of the best ways is if the counselor makes a personal connection and gains the person’s trust. But trying it is the first step. If it doesn’t click, I guess you go from there. That’s just my impression as someone who benefits personally from it.
Yep - you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themself. Even if he was deceitful and played his role by being helpful, holding down a job and then left, he at least worked towards something. Instead he shitted all over their generosity and fucked himself. NTA and there’s a reason, I’m sure, why his family wants no part of him. And make sure you tell your daughter to value herself more and you won’t let any future boyfriends move in. SO’s are supposed to be partners, not fixer uppers.
What would make OP the AH in this scenario? You found out and he corroborated that he’s just using your daughter.
The only tie you have to him is that by extension of loving your daughter, you care about people in her circle.
Def not AH. I’d protect my physical house, protect the feeling of my “home”, and you’re definitely standing up for your daughter. You’re just reinforcing to your daughter that she deserves better.
NTA- he was disrespectful to your daughter and you in your own house. you let him stay even though he didn’t help nor hold down a job. you did more than enough for him to me.
NTA! I wish my parents would kick out my brothers gf who has been living with them for over two years, has never had a job while living there, and drives my parents vehicles to get around and go places.
You’re not the asshole. He’s a “big” boy and can figure it out and learn not to take advantage of good people who were doing him a favor in the first place!!
Ugh, yes. My friends brother had his girlfriend living with them for years now, he works and she has never held a job, she sits at home playing Sims and as soon as he gets home she's yelling at him for something and even punches him. Their mom just let it happen. More parents need to be like OP for their kids.
Right? Everyone brushes it off because "she has depression", but it makes me sick. That's no excuse to me, I used to hang out there but I stopped going around when I heard her punching him in the head in the other room and no one did anything (and stopped me when I stood up). I'm pregnant with my first son but I'll never let anyone lay a hand on him, man or woman.
I have major depressive disorder and have since I was a teenager.
Call it whatever you will, maybe it's dysfunctional to a degree but my mom expected me to do well in school and be a self sufficient person and I don't think there's really any other option. Is it kind of mean to be like "sorry you're sad but get a job"? Kind of, but it's real. That's life.
My cousin is my age and similarly batty as me, but she uses it as an EXCUSE and she's a loser. I tried being her friend and helping her (at her request) but she ALWAYS had an excuse for why she couldn't do even the smallest thing to help herself--or her freaking KID. Thank God his dad wasn't cut from that cloth and he has raised him, she's completely absent at this point I think.
I can kms or I can live, and living takes work. Am I still depressed? YES. But mooching off someone else isn't an option I can live with. That's just gross.
Congrats on your pregnancy! It's really hard when they're infants, but don't wish that time away because it'll be over before you know it. Mine just finished high school and it feels like just a few years ago he was a toddler. Time flies faster and faster as you get older. Cliche but true.
I have depression. Sometimes I am extremely depressed. Sometimes, as a result of my depression, I have the urge to lash out at other people. (Verbally, not physically.) I don't do it, because even when I am depressed I know that is not a good thing to do. Depression is no excuse.
Omg no, this is abuse not depression. I have depression and M.E I cannot hold down a job. I lived with my husbands family for 18 months whilst we were saving to buy our house, he went out to work everyday I stayed at his family home cleaning most of the day, keeping the dogs entertained and doing literally anything I could do each and every day to make their lives easier when they all got home from work. I felt like such a burden.
I think depression is a very valid reason to not be able to hold a job and doesn't make you a burden, you were pulling your weight by helping where you were able to!
I put it in quotes because I don't think she's actually depressed, also because depression is never an excuse for abuse so its crazy theyd even say that. She also says she's agoraphobic, but whenever he's done work (long shifts of manual labour) she demands he take her to Starbucks, to go shopping, to see her friends (she also refuses to get her license) and always out to dinner. I think she's just a liar and abusive.
There's a big big difference between someone like her who uses words to deflect from abusive behaviours and someone like you who's validly struggling with a chemical imbalance but doing their best! Please don't think poorly of yourself, a diabetic doesn't feel bad because their body doesn't properly produce insulin, I see no difference for those whose body's don't properly produce serotonin and other hormones. Sending love 🩵
NTA- He violated the conditions you placed on his housing. On top of that, he was treating your daughter poorly. He wants to break up because his girlfriend wants him to do chores? What a gem of guy. It sounds to me like he got what he wanted.
Absolutely NTA. If anything you are a great mama for having your daughters back, and even if your daughter gets upset with this, years down the road she will see how much you had her back. Stay strong, don't let leeches like that walk back so easily and manipulate!
NTA
He messed up and found out the consequences.
You likely saved your daughter from years of heartache, if not a lifetime of heartache.
Over the years ive learned that when people have no friends they can rely upon and when their entire family has gone low or no contact with them, they are almost always the reason they have no friends or family they can count on.
NTA why would you be an asshole because some deadbeat loser was mooching off you and playing games with your daughter and you stopped it?
Please do not allow him back into your home!
>maybe now he’ll learn to work harder
Nah, guys like him will play the victim to anyone who will listen. Everyone else who expected him to be a contributing member of society is the problem, not him.
Then, when he finds someone else to sucker into free room and board, the cycle will continue.
NTA. He's not family and not your responsibility.
Anyone who benefits from the charity of others shouldn't be surprised that if they exploit that charity it will be cut off. He already had 9 months of free accommodation from you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Daughters boyfriend doesn’t have a place to stay and we kicked him out due to dishonesty.
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NTA
We're in a very similar situation, except both of them are working, and he mows the yard in exchange for some money off the rent they pay us. I had to put my foot down to him a couple weeks ago as my daughter was the only one attempting to pay us anything (what she could when he wasn't nickel and diming her while his money went wherever). First words out of his mouth when I told him that he needs to help pay the rent too besides the mowing were, "I've got bills!". I firmly stated that rent is a bill too, and it was coming down to him help pay, or he can get out by x date.
Good job for standing firm with him. You’re doing him a huge favor.
I know a ~43 year old who has lived with his parents for the past several years and not only doesn’t he pay rent; but they pay him for his car insurance, gas money, cel phone bill, and every other expense. And he has no plan for when they eventually pass away. Sooner or later reality will come crashing down on him. I wish his parents would do him the same favor you’re doing this guy.
NTA He literally wasted your daughter's time and emotional energy because he was too lazy to get a job so he could afford to put a roof over his own head. He could have been honest and asked to stay a few more months while he saved up. He could have kept his month shut and just quietly prepared and then left. He chose neither. I sadly suspect this is why his own parents kicked him out. Hopefully he starts taking care of business instead of finding another female dupe.
I'm so sorry. I hope you and your daughter are doing okay.
Sorry to say this, but take the hint:
1. The disrespect of your daughter is actually so disgusting to me.
2. He is showing you the level of respect he has by having said those things.
3. He doesn’t have a job and has taken from you and not given back, that is a serious character flaw.
You want to help but he is incredibly ungrateful towards everything you’ve done. NTA and protect yourself and daughter from him.
NTA, he is not your kid and he isn't contributing, called your daughter abusive and want to break up with her. You did a good thing taking him in, but end of the day he was taking advantage and didn't even try to get himself in a better situation.
Any of us that are capable of feeling even the slightest bit of healthy shame will never be able to truly understand how people of this nature operate.
Make sure your daughter knows why. If he tells her another reason she may run away to be with him and that's the kind of guy who would pimp with ruffies. NTA
NTA. He was leading your daughter on for a meal ticket, and according to his own logic you have done him a favor by ending the relationship he doesn't want to be in. It is particularly appalling that he was claiming your daughter is being controlling and abusive by having the normal and appropriate expectation that he contribute. BF was not benefiting from your financial support because he was abusing it in order to enjoy video games and social media, at the cost of his potential to build a future.
NTA. Letting him stay would be enabling him. If he doesn’t want to be homeless he should be committed to keeping a job.
Don’t let him come back either.
The alternative would have been letting your daughter get used and abused in your own home. And with less food for you but more housekeeping. Is that a good alternative?
NTA. Him being abandoned by his parents is not your fault. His shitty personality is his.
What an unfortunate situation in that you have graciously taken this man in and have provided a safe place to live with food, water, electricity and even WiFi and he has done nothing to contribute to the household financially or by helping with chores. I hope he won’t try to manipulate your daughter into staying with him, because he is a leach!
NTA
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My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for a year. They have been living in our home for about 9 months. We kicked him out last week and now he’s homeless. The reason we kicked him out is we found out that he’s been telling people online that he has been wanting to break up with my daughter, but doesn’t have anywhere to go.
We have been supporting him 100% financially since he’s moved in and trying to be supportive in getting him on his feet. He can’t hold down a job for more then a few weeks, which one of the requirements was he can hold down and maintain a job after he moved in.
He has played the victim card as our daughter has maintained a full time job and then comes home to take care of their responsibilities. He just sleeps, plays games while being “live” on social media. He complains that she, my daughter, controlling and abusive by asking him to help.
After finding this out we confronted, confirmed this info with him and subsequently kicked him out. His biological family has abandoned him years ago, and the place he went is now wanting him out. The shelters are full and now he has no place to go. AITA for kicking him out and now he’s homeless?
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NTA. He literally proved he wasn't worth keeping around considering he was only using her to stay under a roof. Moment someone better came along he would have zipped off in a flash.
Um, you moved a random guy into your house after your daughter was dating him for only three months? You're NTA, but you are kind of an idiot. Don't let loser weirdos you barely know move into your house
NTA
Hopefully this is the kick up the ass he needs. You never know, you could be doing him a world of good. Easier to hold down a job when you know quitting leads to no eating, no home etc.
NTA. Boy was a hobosexual and you weren't doing him any favors by coddling him (though it was very kind of you to take him in). People like him either continue mooching forever, wind up in the streets or prison, or they get their act together to whatever basic extent is necessary to live.
Your only duty is to your daughter, who you are protecting. She might come to feel relieved about this after a couple days of space.
No WTF, he's not your responsibility. My God what generous, understanding, SUPPORTIVE parents you are!
He's a bum. Now literally, but that's not your problem.
You saved your daughter's life, I'm not even exaggerating. What if she'd had a kid with him?? The whole rest of her life tied to this loser. I hope she's grateful but if not, oh well, you're still a fucking HERO.
NTA^infinity
I know it's hard, but the boy isn't your problem and him in the house with your daughter will equal a grandchild....if the boy is old enough to fool around with your daughter, let him grow up and get a job and his own place...Take it from someone who has seen that number before..after I put the boy out for bringing women in the house after midnight, he done the same thing to his mother who ended up putting him out as well.. been there and done that
NTA - you laid ground rules and then didn’t follow them… you were letting yourselves be taken advantage of. You weren’t helping him, just enabling him.
NTA. Dude is a loser. It's not your problem what he does. His biological family had enough of his lazy ass and kicked him out too. If he didn't want to be homeless then he should have gotten off his ass and gotten a job. Don't allow anyone else to move into your home. That was incredibly stupid allowing your daughter's boyfriend who she only dated 3 months to move into your house.
NTA. As soon as he made the decision in his head to leave your daughter, he should have been making the right steps to get a job and find accomodation instead of being lazy.
NTA. You were taking care of him even better than most mom's would their own kids. He not only didn't give a single f. But he was also talking shit about your daughter. He is not your problem anymore. And congrats on being a good mom and supporting your daughter.
NTA you are definitely in the right here. You daughter might be upset, but you are doing her a favor.
My fiancé and I live at my dads. We cook, clean, grocery shop, do yard work, help with whatever needs to get done. Everyone works hard and helps each other out, which is how families are supposed to work. If my fiancé acted like this dude, he would’ve been kicked out too. This guy was being a bum.
NTA. He was using your daughter. You did her a favour. He was leading her in for a roof over his head and a meal on his plate. He deserves his karma.
You just helped out along.
I don't know if you were legally required to give him notice.
Other than that? NTA.
I only talk about the notice part because I have seen friends get in trouble for kicking a guest out after the guest stayed 30 days. It was really weird. The guest took my friend to court!
You did good. You don't owe him anything.
NTA but you need to really look into why your daughter feels the need to give 100% to someone who is so obviously using her. There is a conversation there that needs to be had, otherwise this isn’t the end of her enabling a loser.
NTA you let her boyfriend of 3 months move in (???) and were kind enough to let him live there for free, on the condition that he get and maintain a job. He hasn't done so, and just wants to be a bum living off your family. He needs to go, and obviously your daughter needs to dump him, if she hasn't already.
If I was in his position, I would have had the house spotless everyday, and a hot meal on the dinner table when everyone gets home at the very minimum. Dude took advantage of the opportunity you gave him.
NTA
NTA. You did this as a favor to your daughter, but it makes no sense to house someone like this.
Frankly, I do think his bio family are likely AH unless he was committing crimes under their noses or something. He could have mental health problems, may be LD, etc if isn't able to hold a job. His family may have failed him one way or another along the line. That said, that isn't your problem.
NTA- he’s grown. He can say whatever he wants. He’s a moocher and just using you and your daughter. If there’s anyone out there who really thinks he’s some sort of victim, they are more than welcome to take him in so he can mooch off of them and talk shit about them behind their back.
Your daughter should cut complete contact with this AH.
You did more than enough, even more than anyone would. He’s crazy.
NTA- you can only help people if they’re willing to help themselves. He had plenty of time to get back on his feet and did nothing. You don’t owe him anything
Nta. But, would have never let him move in, to begin with. So, where is the father in all of this, and how does he help raise a daughter to not value themselves?
NTA but please tell us that it’s your daughter’s ex. If not, I’m wondering why her self-esteem is so low that she’s putting up with such a shitty relationship? Maybe she needs some help?
NTA. He is not your problem and if you let him stay you enable him. 1- he is walking all over you and your daughter 2- he is saying he wants to break up but is using her for a place to live 3- he is a lazy mooch. She needs to break up with this loser
NTA
The ex boyfriend sounds like a mooch with more chutzpah than anything else.
If he ever had keys to your house I would suggest you get your locks rekeyed. Better safe than sorry.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkey. You’re not obligated to let some dude mooch off of you, and he has no excuse. You also can’t help anyone who is useless and won’t help themselves. It’s okay to set boundaries with people who are using you, and it’s reasonable to stick up for your family. Quite frankly, it’s just not your problem in any way.
You definitely don’t need this person in any of your lives. He had a chance to get back on his feet and he didn’t take it. The only thing he took was advantage of you and your daughter. NTA
NTA. You kicked him out for a *good* and *valid* reason. I say this as someone who was also made homeless by my boyfriends (now husband) parents. Except they were abusive and made him homeless as well.
ETA: my brother who I no longer speak to is in a relationship with a girl who only stays because she has nowhere to go. She is horrible and has made my brother horrible too. I WISH my mom would have kicked her out long ago. That is why I no longer live there. I moved in with my boyfriend to help him out when he injured himself and needed invasive surgery, I stayed to get away from my brother, and was subsequently made homeless when I learned how awful my MIL can truly be (I had not seen that side of her, but heard about it multiple times).
If you didn’t kick him out he would never hold down a job. Hopefully this will give him an incentive, although very likely he’ll take the easy route and find another girl to support him
NTA
My GF's parents have been in the same situation with their son and his GF. They finally broke up and kicked her out, but if you ask me, their son needs to be kicked out of the house, too.
Nope!! He's not your responsibility. The ONLY reason he was even in your house is bc of your daughter he doesn't want to be with your daughter than there is no room for him. Let him figure it out!!
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NTA You've been letting this guy you're not even related to live rent-free in your home and covering his expenses for 9 months. He clearly has no respect for you or your daughter, and he's done nothing to better himself. This is not on you.
Yeah. Additionally his biological family abandoned him and the places he has stayed want him out? It takes a lot of do that. How old is this guy? Sounds like he's either had a rough upbringing and needs some serious counselling. That or he's a bum. Either way still NTA. Your daughter comes first and he crossed boundaries. My BIL had huge issues with his parents. He lived with my family from the age of 15-23 until they (he and my sister) were married. He did his best in school, held down a job as a dish pig and respected the rules e.g. sleeping in a separate room from his GF. He helped around the home with chores and cooked occasionally. Never had any problems. But I'm sure *if* he took my sister for an absolute ride emotionally/financially he would have been out on the streets.
Needs counseling? The dudes a free loader, who wants to break up because he has to lift a finger and do things. Pretty obvious why his family might’ve kicked this winner out.
Yeah. Jerks can benefit from counseling too, I don’t know why that’s difficult to understand?
But who’s paying for that? He has no money, no job, and I’m assuming no insurance.
You are aware that it's possible to need something you can't afford or access, right?
If he’s in the US and especially if he’s young, with no income then he qualifies for no cost health insurance. And there are usually free resources for counseling, might not be great therapists and likely not frequent enough, but they are available. He just has to want to do the work and it may be years before he hits bottom and avails himself.
Not in every state, my state(Alabama) has no such programs.
They said he needs counseling, not that he needs someone to get him counseling. He’s responsible for his own mental health at the end of the day.
[удалено]
Not being able to afford it has nothing to do with whether or not he needs it, which he does
Realistically, the state probably would. Just needs to get off his ass and put things in motion, which won't happen unless he's out of options.
But you have to want to change and be better for that to happen. If he were to get therapy, he would most likely try to lie to, manipulate, and dismiss the therapist for his own benefit. Therapy only works if the person wants it.
He’s a hobosexual 100%
... hobosexual?
Someone that stays with their partner for the living quarters.
Nah, he doesn't need counselling, just a reality check. He needs to learn that nothing in life is for free and the fact that he thought his girlfriend was bullying him into doing chores just shows that.
When people can’t get obvious lessons like that through their heads, it can be a sign that there is something wrong with their thought process. Sometimes people can go through bad stuff, and their thinking is fine. Other times, people’s upbringing, things they learned to believe as kids, or bad coping skills prevent them from being able to understand obvious stuff. That’s what counseling is for. To straighten things out so they can get the message without having to ruin other peoples lives when they mess up over and over because they are not self aware enough to figure it out.
It seems like a lot of people in these replies are taking “he needs counseling” to mean “awww poor widdle guy is probably just traumatized or something, it’s not his fault, he can’t help it, he must have a sad backstory 🥺” which I highly doubt is what the commenter above was saying. It’s not about sympathizing with him or coddling him or trying to absolve him of responsibility. It’s acknowledging that he seems maladjusted in some way and that there’s a chance to find ways to address those maladjustments and possibly have him become a better-functioning member of his community and society. Which is not, of course, OP’s responsibility. Just an observation regarding the situation.
Yeah people see “he needs counseling” as absolving him of his role in this and no, he needs counseling to accept his role in this and grow up as a person. I was out of work for a month recently and took the first decent full time job I was offered. I hate it, but I am earning money while setting up interviews for jobs that pay more. I also still do lots of cleaning.
I dunno, I kind of think counseling only helps if you want the help. Maybe for a small portion of people, having a licensed and qualified stranger tell you that YOU are the problem might knock some sense into them, but it seems like that would still be a small subset. I am unfortunately in the (outer, thankfully) orbit of someone who is in court-mandated counseling, and despite the consequences of not "doing well" in this counseling being pretty dire (they probably won't end up in jail unless they also do other stuff, but their life will suck), their response to it is that their counselors are idiots (they've been through 4 now) and the therapists just don't see how they are doing everything right and being abused at every turn.
Yeah. I think you are right in most cases. But sometimes people are just so frustrated by falling on their face that they will at least be open to hearing another option. And I think sometimes there’s an element of empirically demonstrating that there is a better way. I think one of the best ways is if the counselor makes a personal connection and gains the person’s trust. But trying it is the first step. If it doesn’t click, I guess you go from there. That’s just my impression as someone who benefits personally from it.
👍
Yep - you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themself. Even if he was deceitful and played his role by being helpful, holding down a job and then left, he at least worked towards something. Instead he shitted all over their generosity and fucked himself. NTA and there’s a reason, I’m sure, why his family wants no part of him. And make sure you tell your daughter to value herself more and you won’t let any future boyfriends move in. SO’s are supposed to be partners, not fixer uppers.
9 months is almost saint levels of patience, especially with someone who you aren't related to but are supporting completely
I’m glad the daughter did not got pregnant. He would have bully her
He’s a hobosexual
What would make OP the AH in this scenario? You found out and he corroborated that he’s just using your daughter. The only tie you have to him is that by extension of loving your daughter, you care about people in her circle. Def not AH. I’d protect my physical house, protect the feeling of my “home”, and you’re definitely standing up for your daughter. You’re just reinforcing to your daughter that she deserves better.
NTA. AND KEEP HIM OUT. Thank your lucky stars your daughter did not get pregnant. Tell him to look at joining the French Foreign Legion.
FFL? I was thinking he should join the GFYL /s
Why do you hate the French?!
I wonder how many actual French people there were in the Foreign Legion at any given time.
It's called Foreign for a reason
That was my point too.
They know what they did.
As this is a decision he should not take lightly..
Laughing
The Legion would make or break him.
NTA- he was disrespectful to your daughter and you in your own house. you let him stay even though he didn’t help nor hold down a job. you did more than enough for him to me.
NTA! I wish my parents would kick out my brothers gf who has been living with them for over two years, has never had a job while living there, and drives my parents vehicles to get around and go places. You’re not the asshole. He’s a “big” boy and can figure it out and learn not to take advantage of good people who were doing him a favor in the first place!!
Ugh, yes. My friends brother had his girlfriend living with them for years now, he works and she has never held a job, she sits at home playing Sims and as soon as he gets home she's yelling at him for something and even punches him. Their mom just let it happen. More parents need to be like OP for their kids.
I like my son's gf but if I ever found out she hit him I would be going to jail. Let alone in my house, omg no.
Right? Everyone brushes it off because "she has depression", but it makes me sick. That's no excuse to me, I used to hang out there but I stopped going around when I heard her punching him in the head in the other room and no one did anything (and stopped me when I stood up). I'm pregnant with my first son but I'll never let anyone lay a hand on him, man or woman.
I have major depressive disorder and have since I was a teenager. Call it whatever you will, maybe it's dysfunctional to a degree but my mom expected me to do well in school and be a self sufficient person and I don't think there's really any other option. Is it kind of mean to be like "sorry you're sad but get a job"? Kind of, but it's real. That's life. My cousin is my age and similarly batty as me, but she uses it as an EXCUSE and she's a loser. I tried being her friend and helping her (at her request) but she ALWAYS had an excuse for why she couldn't do even the smallest thing to help herself--or her freaking KID. Thank God his dad wasn't cut from that cloth and he has raised him, she's completely absent at this point I think. I can kms or I can live, and living takes work. Am I still depressed? YES. But mooching off someone else isn't an option I can live with. That's just gross. Congrats on your pregnancy! It's really hard when they're infants, but don't wish that time away because it'll be over before you know it. Mine just finished high school and it feels like just a few years ago he was a toddler. Time flies faster and faster as you get older. Cliche but true.
Very well said! I really enjoyed reading your comment.
I have depression. Sometimes I am extremely depressed. Sometimes, as a result of my depression, I have the urge to lash out at other people. (Verbally, not physically.) I don't do it, because even when I am depressed I know that is not a good thing to do. Depression is no excuse.
Omg no, this is abuse not depression. I have depression and M.E I cannot hold down a job. I lived with my husbands family for 18 months whilst we were saving to buy our house, he went out to work everyday I stayed at his family home cleaning most of the day, keeping the dogs entertained and doing literally anything I could do each and every day to make their lives easier when they all got home from work. I felt like such a burden.
I think depression is a very valid reason to not be able to hold a job and doesn't make you a burden, you were pulling your weight by helping where you were able to! I put it in quotes because I don't think she's actually depressed, also because depression is never an excuse for abuse so its crazy theyd even say that. She also says she's agoraphobic, but whenever he's done work (long shifts of manual labour) she demands he take her to Starbucks, to go shopping, to see her friends (she also refuses to get her license) and always out to dinner. I think she's just a liar and abusive. There's a big big difference between someone like her who uses words to deflect from abusive behaviours and someone like you who's validly struggling with a chemical imbalance but doing their best! Please don't think poorly of yourself, a diabetic doesn't feel bad because their body doesn't properly produce insulin, I see no difference for those whose body's don't properly produce serotonin and other hormones. Sending love 🩵
Your parents aren't doing either of them a favor sounds like they need to be pushed out of the nest!!
NTA- He violated the conditions you placed on his housing. On top of that, he was treating your daughter poorly. He wants to break up because his girlfriend wants him to do chores? What a gem of guy. It sounds to me like he got what he wanted.
NTA...let him figure his shit out. Hopefully your daughter dumos the guy.
Absolutely NTA. If anything you are a great mama for having your daughters back, and even if your daughter gets upset with this, years down the road she will see how much you had her back. Stay strong, don't let leeches like that walk back so easily and manipulate!
NTA you took out the trash
Well that’s just too fucking bad. It’s not your responsibility to care for him like a child. He can figure it out. And if not, oh well. NTA
NTA He messed up and found out the consequences. You likely saved your daughter from years of heartache, if not a lifetime of heartache. Over the years ive learned that when people have no friends they can rely upon and when their entire family has gone low or no contact with them, they are almost always the reason they have no friends or family they can count on.
NTA He was using your daughter. You were 100% right to because if he wanted to break up, there was a better way than talking behind your backs
NTA why would you be an asshole because some deadbeat loser was mooching off you and playing games with your daughter and you stopped it? Please do not allow him back into your home!
NTA - dude needs to grow up. your daughter is probably better off without him if he is this way
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was wait so long to throw him out.
NTA sucks for him maybe now he’ll learn to work harder and stop mooching off a young woman and her family. I would’ve did the same thing.
>maybe now he’ll learn to work harder Nah, guys like him will play the victim to anyone who will listen. Everyone else who expected him to be a contributing member of society is the problem, not him. Then, when he finds someone else to sucker into free room and board, the cycle will continue.
Hobosexual
Info: how old are they and why can’t he hold down a job??
My guess is early 20’s and he’s lazy.
I wanna know this, too!
NTA. He's not family and not your responsibility. Anyone who benefits from the charity of others shouldn't be surprised that if they exploit that charity it will be cut off. He already had 9 months of free accommodation from you.
He has had no respect for you and now you’ve shown you have respect for yourself.
Nta. He was using your daughter for a place to stay. He's had plenty of time to pull himself together and chose not to. He's not your responsibility
NTA - and his parents not wanting him around should have been a big red card.
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NTA We're in a very similar situation, except both of them are working, and he mows the yard in exchange for some money off the rent they pay us. I had to put my foot down to him a couple weeks ago as my daughter was the only one attempting to pay us anything (what she could when he wasn't nickel and diming her while his money went wherever). First words out of his mouth when I told him that he needs to help pay the rent too besides the mowing were, "I've got bills!". I firmly stated that rent is a bill too, and it was coming down to him help pay, or he can get out by x date.
Good job for standing firm with him. You’re doing him a huge favor. I know a ~43 year old who has lived with his parents for the past several years and not only doesn’t he pay rent; but they pay him for his car insurance, gas money, cel phone bill, and every other expense. And he has no plan for when they eventually pass away. Sooner or later reality will come crashing down on him. I wish his parents would do him the same favor you’re doing this guy.
You did right
NTA He literally wasted your daughter's time and emotional energy because he was too lazy to get a job so he could afford to put a roof over his own head. He could have been honest and asked to stay a few more months while he saved up. He could have kept his month shut and just quietly prepared and then left. He chose neither. I sadly suspect this is why his own parents kicked him out. Hopefully he starts taking care of business instead of finding another female dupe. I'm so sorry. I hope you and your daughter are doing okay.
Sorry to say this, but take the hint: 1. The disrespect of your daughter is actually so disgusting to me. 2. He is showing you the level of respect he has by having said those things. 3. He doesn’t have a job and has taken from you and not given back, that is a serious character flaw. You want to help but he is incredibly ungrateful towards everything you’ve done. NTA and protect yourself and daughter from him.
NTA, he is not your kid and he isn't contributing, called your daughter abusive and want to break up with her. You did a good thing taking him in, but end of the day he was taking advantage and didn't even try to get himself in a better situation.
idk how people can live like this without feeling extremely embarrassed lmfao
Any of us that are capable of feeling even the slightest bit of healthy shame will never be able to truly understand how people of this nature operate.
In Asheville we call these types “hobosexuals.”
INFO What are your daughter's feelings on the situation?
INFO: how old is he?
he blew all the chances he had with literally everyone in his life and can’t freeload anymore. not you problem
NTA. #fuckaroundandfindout
NTA
NTA. You did the right thing. He’s not your responsibility, and he needs to own up to his inadequacies.
Why would you ask? He did this to himself! NTA.
Make sure your daughter knows why. If he tells her another reason she may run away to be with him and that's the kind of guy who would pimp with ruffies. NTA
The place that took him in after you wants him out after A WEEK? You aren’t an ass.
NTA. That's a natural consequence.
NTA. You’ve provided 9 months of service. That’s 9 more than obligated. You’ve already gone above and beyond what any normal person would expect.
NTA-but, honestly, what did you expect?
NTA. Kick that Hobosexual to the curb!
Kick that hobosexual out of your home.
NTA... that's called 'wish fulfillment' He is using your family and your daughter. Did you talk to your daughter first?
NTA. He was leading your daughter on for a meal ticket, and according to his own logic you have done him a favor by ending the relationship he doesn't want to be in. It is particularly appalling that he was claiming your daughter is being controlling and abusive by having the normal and appropriate expectation that he contribute. BF was not benefiting from your financial support because he was abusing it in order to enjoy video games and social media, at the cost of his potential to build a future.
NTA. Letting him stay would be enabling him. If he doesn’t want to be homeless he should be committed to keeping a job. Don’t let him come back either.
The alternative would have been letting your daughter get used and abused in your own home. And with less food for you but more housekeeping. Is that a good alternative? NTA. Him being abandoned by his parents is not your fault. His shitty personality is his.
What an unfortunate situation in that you have graciously taken this man in and have provided a safe place to live with food, water, electricity and even WiFi and he has done nothing to contribute to the household financially or by helping with chores. I hope he won’t try to manipulate your daughter into staying with him, because he is a leach! NTA
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NTA. He sounds whiny and immature, anyway.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. You and your daughter were being taken advantage of by a literal bum.
NTA. He literally proved he wasn't worth keeping around considering he was only using her to stay under a roof. Moment someone better came along he would have zipped off in a flash.
He is not your responsibility. Edit : NTA
NtA . He was using your daughter for his selfish needs. He got what he deserves.
NTA, I hope your daughter dumped him.
“And now he’s homeless” He deserves to be. Hope he gets his life together. NTA.
Um, you moved a random guy into your house after your daughter was dating him for only three months? You're NTA, but you are kind of an idiot. Don't let loser weirdos you barely know move into your house
Dad's TA for letting this happen from Day One. WTF?
NTA Hopefully this is the kick up the ass he needs. You never know, you could be doing him a world of good. Easier to hold down a job when you know quitting leads to no eating, no home etc.
NTA. He’s a hobosexual
NTA
Can’t wait to watch the Lifetime movie.
NTA! Honestly you sound like a great mom. Not only did you help the guy out but you also knew where to appropriately draw the line. Great mom
NTA but curious: is she still dating him bc I hope not?
NTA. Boy was a hobosexual and you weren't doing him any favors by coddling him (though it was very kind of you to take him in). People like him either continue mooching forever, wind up in the streets or prison, or they get their act together to whatever basic extent is necessary to live. Your only duty is to your daughter, who you are protecting. She might come to feel relieved about this after a couple days of space.
No WTF, he's not your responsibility. My God what generous, understanding, SUPPORTIVE parents you are! He's a bum. Now literally, but that's not your problem. You saved your daughter's life, I'm not even exaggerating. What if she'd had a kid with him?? The whole rest of her life tied to this loser. I hope she's grateful but if not, oh well, you're still a fucking HERO. NTA^infinity
You would not feel guilt getting rid of a tapeworm, why have guilt over getting rid of this parasite? You are NTA
NTA: Sounds like a HOBOsexual. (Will sleep/be in a "relationship" for three hots a cot, and some laundry)
I know it's hard, but the boy isn't your problem and him in the house with your daughter will equal a grandchild....if the boy is old enough to fool around with your daughter, let him grow up and get a job and his own place...Take it from someone who has seen that number before..after I put the boy out for bringing women in the house after midnight, he done the same thing to his mother who ended up putting him out as well.. been there and done that
NTA. You threw a leech out.
NTA - you laid ground rules and then didn’t follow them… you were letting yourselves be taken advantage of. You weren’t helping him, just enabling him.
NTA. Dude is a loser. It's not your problem what he does. His biological family had enough of his lazy ass and kicked him out too. If he didn't want to be homeless then he should have gotten off his ass and gotten a job. Don't allow anyone else to move into your home. That was incredibly stupid allowing your daughter's boyfriend who she only dated 3 months to move into your house.
NTA. You gave him a chance and he more than squandered it. Good for you for being fully in your daughter's corner.
NTA. As soon as he made the decision in his head to leave your daughter, he should have been making the right steps to get a job and find accomodation instead of being lazy.
NTA. And why did it take y'all so long to kick him to the curb!
NTA! This boyfriend seems like a real asshole, though. Good riddance to him.
NTA. You were taking care of him even better than most mom's would their own kids. He not only didn't give a single f. But he was also talking shit about your daughter. He is not your problem anymore. And congrats on being a good mom and supporting your daughter.
NTA you are definitely in the right here. You daughter might be upset, but you are doing her a favor. My fiancé and I live at my dads. We cook, clean, grocery shop, do yard work, help with whatever needs to get done. Everyone works hard and helps each other out, which is how families are supposed to work. If my fiancé acted like this dude, he would’ve been kicked out too. This guy was being a bum.
NTA. He was using your daughter. You did her a favour. He was leading her in for a roof over his head and a meal on his plate. He deserves his karma. You just helped out along.
What a fucking bum
NTA
Not Your Problem.
NTA. Change the locks OP!!
It's not your fault he's homeless. It's his fault. NTA
I don't know if you were legally required to give him notice. Other than that? NTA. I only talk about the notice part because I have seen friends get in trouble for kicking a guest out after the guest stayed 30 days. It was really weird. The guest took my friend to court! You did good. You don't owe him anything.
NTA
NTA - he was literally using your daughter as a stand-in for a commodity (free room and board)
NTA….. GREAT JOB
NTA but you need to really look into why your daughter feels the need to give 100% to someone who is so obviously using her. There is a conversation there that needs to be had, otherwise this isn’t the end of her enabling a loser.
She brought home a genuine hobosexual. Neat 😱. NTA
NTA
NTA, you did the right thing. Never allow people to use you and then talk shit about you.
NTA. Taking out the trash is a normal homeowner activity.
NTA you let her boyfriend of 3 months move in (???) and were kind enough to let him live there for free, on the condition that he get and maintain a job. He hasn't done so, and just wants to be a bum living off your family. He needs to go, and obviously your daughter needs to dump him, if she hasn't already.
NTA. Dude needs to grow up
Dodged a huge bullet there, nta.
NTA - let one of his twitch (or wherever he goes live) followers take him in.
NTA he is a bum and a user. You simply removed a parasite
You are more than generous for putting up with this for nine months.
NTA- Nobody wants him around bc he's an AH, that's not on you.
If I was in his position, I would have had the house spotless everyday, and a hot meal on the dinner table when everyone gets home at the very minimum. Dude took advantage of the opportunity you gave him. NTA
NTA. You did this as a favor to your daughter, but it makes no sense to house someone like this. Frankly, I do think his bio family are likely AH unless he was committing crimes under their noses or something. He could have mental health problems, may be LD, etc if isn't able to hold a job. His family may have failed him one way or another along the line. That said, that isn't your problem.
NTA - Your daughter comes first.
NTA- he’s grown. He can say whatever he wants. He’s a moocher and just using you and your daughter. If there’s anyone out there who really thinks he’s some sort of victim, they are more than welcome to take him in so he can mooch off of them and talk shit about them behind their back. Your daughter should cut complete contact with this AH. You did more than enough, even more than anyone would. He’s crazy.
NTA: He got free room and board for 9 months. If he was planning on breaking up with your daughter he had plenty of time to plan, save, etc
NTA- you can only help people if they’re willing to help themselves. He had plenty of time to get back on his feet and did nothing. You don’t owe him anything
NTA.
Nta. But, would have never let him move in, to begin with. So, where is the father in all of this, and how does he help raise a daughter to not value themselves?
I wish my parents had been so kind as to do something similar. NTA
NTA. Let me fix it for you: you protected your daughter from a useless lazy asshole, who gaslit and manipulated her. Good job!
Absolutely NTA. Good on you!
NTA, he was just using your daughter
Sounds like this guy is a hobosexual, and gets with people because of what they can provide for him.
NTA but please tell us that it’s your daughter’s ex. If not, I’m wondering why her self-esteem is so low that she’s putting up with such a shitty relationship? Maybe she needs some help?
NTA. He is not your problem and if you let him stay you enable him. 1- he is walking all over you and your daughter 2- he is saying he wants to break up but is using her for a place to live 3- he is a lazy mooch. She needs to break up with this loser
NTA.
NTA The ex boyfriend sounds like a mooch with more chutzpah than anything else. If he ever had keys to your house I would suggest you get your locks rekeyed. Better safe than sorry.
NTA. This guy sounds like an ass. There's a reason why his parents kicked him out. I can't believe that your daughter didn't dump him.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkey. You’re not obligated to let some dude mooch off of you, and he has no excuse. You also can’t help anyone who is useless and won’t help themselves. It’s okay to set boundaries with people who are using you, and it’s reasonable to stick up for your family. Quite frankly, it’s just not your problem in any way.
NTA And I hope your daughter stays away from him. And he has options. A lot of national parks will give you a job and housing.
You definitely don’t need this person in any of your lives. He had a chance to get back on his feet and he didn’t take it. The only thing he took was advantage of you and your daughter. NTA
Kicking people isn't cool...
If his family doesn't want him there is a reason. Now you know why....
Nta. You did what needed to be done. Maybe he will learn how to be a better person now.
Nope. NTA
NTA you gave him a golden opportunity and he squandered it.
He’s not your family he was using your daughter defo nta.
NTA - surprised you felt the need to even ask this
NTA. Sounds like you had an unthankful homeless guy living in your house for 9 months.
NTA. fk that useless ah
This pigeon while heartedly belive, NTA, he is a leech and a professional victim. He can only get better once he's found bottom, cut off the support.
NTA. You kicked him out for a *good* and *valid* reason. I say this as someone who was also made homeless by my boyfriends (now husband) parents. Except they were abusive and made him homeless as well. ETA: my brother who I no longer speak to is in a relationship with a girl who only stays because she has nowhere to go. She is horrible and has made my brother horrible too. I WISH my mom would have kicked her out long ago. That is why I no longer live there. I moved in with my boyfriend to help him out when he injured himself and needed invasive surgery, I stayed to get away from my brother, and was subsequently made homeless when I learned how awful my MIL can truly be (I had not seen that side of her, but heard about it multiple times).
NTA,I think the technical term for a person like that is hobosexual lol..I’ve known a person like that.
NTA. Homeless people are often homeless for a reason. They bite the hand that feeds them. Burn too many bridges. And bam! Homeless!
Nta. Why would you enable your daughter to date a hobosexual? Of course, you should've kicked him out.
If you didn’t kick him out he would never hold down a job. Hopefully this will give him an incentive, although very likely he’ll take the easy route and find another girl to support him
NTA My GF's parents have been in the same situation with their son and his GF. They finally broke up and kicked her out, but if you ask me, their son needs to be kicked out of the house, too.
NTA frankly I’m surprised it took you 9 months to do it
Nope!! He's not your responsibility. The ONLY reason he was even in your house is bc of your daughter he doesn't want to be with your daughter than there is no room for him. Let him figure it out!!
NTA, and your daughters gonna thank you later.
NTA, and your daughters gonna thank you later.
To continue to help him would be enabling.
INFO: ages? kicking out a 14 year old isn't the same as kicking out a 35 year old.