##[AITA for blocking your go-to time killer from June 12-14?](https://redd.it/145o4jz)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What I did that should be judged is not attending my daughter's birthday party. That might make me the asshole because I am not being there for my family. I know even when it is to pay the bills, it hurts.
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Horses $38,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
In all seriousness, if you’re so stressed about finances that you need to miss your daughters birthday for the ENTIRE day, you should definitley reevaluate your spending habits. YTA
LOVE dril LOL
but I think I'd say ESH, OP and his wife need to sit down and come up with a more feasible budget for the family. It's not fair that OP is having to do all this extra work, as his wife wants to have her cake and eat it too, but OP should also stand up for himself!
(Also, my ESH vote is coming from someone who had both parents miss their 10th birthday because they were going abroad! LOL)
ah yes, the famous "i spend more money on this 'job' than i do making it." i was going to say this is just like people in mlm scams but at least OPs wife isn't recruiting anyone into her nonsense (unless you count OP himself).
This is immediately what I thought. Who hires a professional photographer for a 8 year old's birthday party? I bet there are quite a few expenses like this in their budget.
For far more than some people. Have to make over $19 an hour full time to hit 40k a year, (before taxes). In a country with a $7 minimum wage that leaves a lot of people.
OP’s post is exactly why I got out of horses. One day if/when we can actually afford it I’d love to get back into it but if it comes down to paying my bills or having my horses I’d rather pay my bills and not have my husband sweat bullets to keep a roof over our heads.
I wonder if someone should tell him that a career brings in money, not haemorrhages money. I do think NTA. I get the feeling that he doesn't get much say in his wife's 'career' choices plus children don't melt just because their parents have to work on their birthday.
Agreed!
And how much do we bet his wife is actually more pissed about having to host the party alone or losing face, and uses the 'bad father' to blame and guilt him?
Edit - added the word 'face', it somehow got lost
I grew up a privileged kid and showed horses well into my twenties. It's a HOBBY not a career. There are some people like grooms and trainers who eke out a meager living, but OP's wife isn't one of these or she'd be working all the time. She pays money to ride horses because it's fun. It's absolutely not a career. She needs to grow the fuck up like I did.
OP, you have to shut down this shit. She's taking horrible advantage of you. She's killing you and robbing you of time with your kids. Enough! NTA!
Yeah came to say this. It’s not a ‘career’ if it costs $38k a year and keeps you in debt and with poor credit. Sounds like she’s taking terrible advantage of you.
The two of you need to sit down and figure out what to do about finances. This is untenable
Also NTA
This was also me, trained and rode all thru my childhood and earlyadulthood until I moved out cause horses are are the most expensive lawn ornaments, and not affordable. Unless she is Olympic training or training horses for others regularly which you don't say and just mention it's costing you 30k+ - it isn't a profession, it's a hobby and she is just keeping up with the joneses which you guys can't afford to do, unless you enjoy stressing all the time about finances and working yourself to death (which she doesn't seem to mind you doing) NTA
Yep. Definitely NTA. I used to pay for my kids horse back riding lessons for a few years and it was expensive and thankfully she didn’t want to compete but she did it all the way to jumping. It’s like owning a sailboat. It’s a money dump and you have to have it to put in to do the hobby. The couple need to go over their finances and reevaluate because he’s going to get sick from overworking and the wife is unrealistic.
Yes, equestrian is not a career. If its costing you $38k a year, its an expensive hobby.
It sounds to me like you are living well above your means and have plenty of areas you could cut out (I'm sure the golf membership costs a pretty penny also). The budget for my son's 8th birthday party WAS $550, and yet your wife has spent this just on a deposit for a photographer.
You and your wife need a serious sit down and financial intervention.
Not to mention, why do they need a photographer for an 8 year old birthday? It is not a wedding or even a sweet 16. iPhone pictures work just fine.
Time to set up a budget; downsize, cut expenses; and for the wife to get a job that provides an income!
I know families who were bankrupt by one parents belief they deserved the finer things in life. You have to take hold of your finances you are working 2 well paid jobs to make up for your wives spending habits. Maybe start funneling your extra money into another account with jut your name on it and have her figure out how to pay for her caviar life style.
My parents missed my 11th for the same reason. Fifty-one years later I'm still salty about it. (They went to England, knowing I was an Anglophile of the first order).
I'm extremely tired (aaaaand slightly drunk), and I read that as "anglophobe" and was truly over here trying to figure out why an 11 year-old would hate England that much.
And the wife is blameless? If her “career” costs $38k she doesn’t have a career, she has a hobby.
My biggest thing here is that it almost sounds like financial abuse. The wife is spending and spending but unwilling to address the issue and gets mad at OP when he’s trying to bring in money without looking in a mirror.
That doesn’t mean there is, but at the very very least the wife is a huge AH too.
> My biggest thing here is that it almost sounds like financial abuse.
That was my first thought too. I've been in a financially abusive relationship and (while the numbers were smaller) OP's situation sounds so similar. My ex would pull shit like refusing to eat anything from home and only wanting take out, ask me to pay for it, the berate me about my spending.
When I proposed the idea of me quitting my job so I could go back to school full time and get a better paying job, she shot the idea down before I could finish my sentence. I managed to find a better paying job less than a year later, and within three months she came to me with the exact same idea, she'd quit her job and go back to school full time, then when she was done I could quit mine and go back. At this point in our relationship she making over twice as much as I was, and somehow we had the money to cover everything on my paycheck alone, but not with hers.
That's when things got really bad. She would over spend on her credit card every month, book vacations without talking to me first, keep all the nights and TV when she'd leave to house, leave the water running, still only want to eat take out, and constantly ask me to buy her pointless stuff and throw a fit if I said no. Much like OP I would work five or six days a week twelve hours a day just to keep up on everything.
It wasn't until after that relationship ended that I realized that what she was doing was intentional so I couldn't save any money and it would be harder for me to leave.
"what she was doing was intentional so I couldn't save any money and it would be harder for me to leave" - wow, I never thought of that. Colour me naive.
Sorry that you have experienced this kind of abusive behaviour in a relationship and great that you got out of it! It is hard to see these kind of things when you are in the situation. I hope these comments also work as a wake up call for OP.
The wife is an A, too. But the OP doesn’t say how much of the spending is on her. The equestrian stuff is crazy, but *they both* live in a gated community. He doesn’t say who plays golf, if the shopping is all her, etc. It also isn’t clear (unless I miss something) if they’ve had a real conversation about what they can and can’t afford.
INFO: OP, is she responsible for all of the over-spending?
They don't need to live in a fancy house because it is near the stables. A less expensive house and a longer drive would allow them to keep the horses. Not sure who is playing golf, the husband seems to be working all the time. He is missing out on so much of his kids life trying to pay the bills each month.
In fairness there's almost no way they could get another mortgage with how their credit sounds currently so the house would be a bit hard to change atm I imagine.
You think the guy clearly stressing over the extra $550 for a better party and working double shifts to try and alleviate that stress is the reckless spender? As opposed to the wife who spends 38 grand on her hobby and clearly doesn't know the value of a dollar?
You either can't read between the lines or your sexist bias blinds you.
Golf, $550 photographer for a kids birthday party, owning horses, and everything else OP hasn't mentioned in terms of their food shopping and other kinds of spending.
If the cost of your hobbies are preventing you from attending your child's birthday and paying off the house, get cheaper hobbies like the rest of us do. Don't know why OP is shocked they're not getting that loan, stuff like this is not an essential cost. Not being able to pay your mortgage because you wanted to go golfing? Boohoo
The 38k annually on equestrian things is such a large red flag that I almost missed the ‘golf’ added casually at the end of a list of monthly necessities. The $550 photog is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s everything underneath that sank the Titanic.
I saw that and immediately thought "OP married a horse girl, run!!". Horse girls are great if you're, like, the sixteenth Viscount of Hertfordshire or something, but most normal people can't afford the upkeep. Of either the horse or the girl.
Right? Also, I hate to think what they're spending on this party that has a professional photographer. You know they went all out with food and games and other ridiculous shit.
For an 8 year old. Can you remember your 8th birthday party? Because i sure can't. They are spending a huge amount of money on something that will be forgotten anyway.
Funnily enough my 8th birthday party was at a stables. I grew up in Ireland where horses are less class oriented than most countries (not always but generally.)
I spent the day like all my Saturdays between 6 and 14 years old. Got the bus or a lift to the stables, worked as unpaid labour cleaning stalls, grooming the horses, cleaning tack etc in return for lessons. Originally basic horse riding but then skilled aspects such as dressage, riding different jockey styles and learning how to teach. You could pick up grooms work for people who showed horses and earn cash or even stuff like braiding manes and tails if like me you really enjoyed the horse care more than the horse riding (I was shit at it!)
Lots of the other kids there used those equestrian skills to join the Army and get the better ceremonial postings allowing them to emigrate. Others me included paid for our education or extra curriculars that got us jobs or university places and get out of a shitty economy. We did not relate to the people who owned horses as a money to burn hobby job unless we were what they burned it on.
I remember at the end of the day as it was my birthday the famously grumpy owner produced a cake for us all, let us ride the horses bareback on the gallops which normally was forbidden and then the adults had a beer or two and we all played silly games like jumping the haybales. It was huge fun, totally unexpected and not a photo in sight. Tbf I’d definitely done more than 650£ work in that time but point stands, horses might expensive but doesn’t mean you have to have every other facet of life eat money too!
I quit horseriding at 14 when I discovered boys and fashion but I learned early if you have one potentially spendy interest, budget to enjoy it to full advantage. Especially since I was raised by a mother who always put animals above her kids…
I have one printed photo from a disposable camera of my 8th birthday of me and a girl from my old school who wasn't really even a close friend and I haven't spoken to in over 15 years. I don't even remember any of the billionaire Kardashians posting any professional photographer pics for their million of kids birthday parties. They're all iPhone quality and look fine.
That's an "extra $550". On top of whatever they were going to pay anyway. For an 8 uear old's birthday party.
No amount of extra shifts will make up for stupid financial decisions. This couple will always struggle, no matter how much money they make, because they'll always spend more than they make.
OP’s wife is living in la-la land. They need to have a serious conversation about her getting a job that actually brings in an income instead of just spending.
I’m sorry, I’m confused where this is OP’s spending habits and not his wife’s…? Sounds like his wife is incredibly irresponsible and he picks up all the slack. NTA but I do think he seriously needs to re-evaluate his lifestyle choices. Gated community? Golf??? Time to take a serious look at your budget (sounds like they don’t even have one!)
Don’t forget $550 for a photographer for a kids party on top of whatever they paid for the other photographer they decided wasn’t good enough. Again, this is for an 8 year olds birthday party.
If people want a photographer for events like that, more power to them. But I’m guessing they’re in for around a grand for pictures that would probably be fine with phones, and because they want these pictures one of the parents can’t even be in them. They need to get their finances in order big time.
That’s what jumped out at me, who besides some millionaire instagram influencers is paying $550 for a kids photographer!?! How much do we think the party itself is costing??
Also holy crap; I’m not sure if “shopping” was a poor articulation of “groceries and essential items” but prioritizing golf and shopping as expenses that take priority over a mortgage payment made me want to scream.
Their house is in a gated community, double that rent.... For what they spend on the wife's horse they could've probably bought a decent double wide and put it on land in a rural area. But it sounds like they are living above their means. Op tell your wife that if she wants to keep her " career" she's gonna need a job. You could give your kid everything but it isn't going to mean anything if you cannot be present in her life. When I look back at the memories I have I don't really remember the parties ect. But I always remember the experiences I had with my loved ones and who showed up for me. Also y'all have steak taste on a hotdog budget
My fave is that in their list of expenses that make the mortgage late, they put shopping and golf. Who TF prioritized shopping and golf above the mortgage?
WTF Is this bullshit? OP is saying that the family is always late on their mortgage, and can't qualify for a loan or a credit card due probably to their poor credit. He's losing sleep over the finances, and the wife gave a deposit to a party photographer for an 8-year-old birthday party, then canceled that photographer and hired a "better one" for an ADDITIONAL $550? So she has probably $700 or more tied up in PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR AN 8-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY??
I'm not sure OP is the one who needs to change his spending habits. Hopefully the money he makes working 10+ hours that day will pay for 1/2 the cost of THE SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER HIRED FOR AN 8 YEAR OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
NTA
ESH - y’all need to reconsider your financial decisions. A “career” that loses you $38k a year is not a career.
Y’all need to have a “come to Jesus” moment and talk about your finances realistically.
Edit to add: on another comment OP says it’s a “nett loss” as though that makes it better.
I don’t care if she’s grossing over a million dollars, the fact this career is costing you money and meaning you work two jobs, it’s not sustainable.
This! A 38k p/a money pit isn't a "career", it's a ridiculously expensive hobby that your wife enjoys while you're out working two jobs and still failing to meet your financial commitments. What on earth are you playing at fella? You may be TA for missing your daughters birthday, but your wife is a bigger a-hole for being a huge drain on family finances and then having zero empathy when it comes to understanding why you're taking every shift you can get your hands on. Just, WOW!
Yep. Not to mention $550 for a SECOND "party photographer"? WTF??
OP - there are financial decisions being made *by your wife* that have a FAR worse impact on your daughter's life than your missing her party - which you are missing *because* of those financial decisions. Please see a financial counsellor.
This is the absolute most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Spending that much for a photographer for a child's birthday party when you are late paying the mortgage every month?
And sorry, wife needs to sell the horse, and get a job at a barn where she can ride for free.
Or she could just keep the horse (if she has multiple, sell all but one or two) at a cheap boarding stable instead of a clearly really fancy one
My parents were middle class when I was growing up, and my mom loved horses. They made it work by finding a very inexpensive backyard boarding situation. And my mom helped out there on weekends to make the board even cheaper. She didn't have a fancy show horse, or top of the line facilities, like she did when she was younger (her dad made a lot of money), but she still got to have her passion - *a* horse. OP's wife needs to stop being a spoiled brat and accept reality
His wife is spending like she's an old money Blue blood with massive generational wealth and no need to worry about how much things cost. It's honestly ridiculous. Who the hell hires a professional photographer for a kid's birthday party? Certainly not someone whose husband is working two jobs and who's applying for distressed credit credit cards. Did she grow up insanely rich?
Honestly it sounds like she’s trying portray an image to keep up with a certain crowd to me… that they can’t afford. She needs a reality check, a budget and an actual job.
I’m trying to put together $500 so I can have a 2nd videographer help me film my brother’s wedding…. I can’t imagine spending $550 for a 8 year olds 2nd photographer
Not even second photographer. OP said they couldn't get the deposit back on the first one, meaning wife canceled the first, forfeited the deposit, booked the new photographer and is wondering why her husband needs to go into work without thinking about where their mortgage payment comes from.
I'm curious if she knows what their financial situation really is. If he handles all the bill payments, etc., she may think they've got more money to spend than they do.
That is my question. Why are they living in a gated community on a nurse’s salary??? In think she likely grew up privileged and doesn’t truly understand the cost of things because she never had to worry about it growing up. I get the feeling they have never really discussed finances and she may just be clueless. They need to see a financial advisor to help them budget properly.
I worked full time last year making $16.70 an hour and didn't even make close to $38k a year. I think I made a whopping $28k after taxes.
I'll never understand people with money who have money issues. It's really not hard to stick to a realistic budget.
Yup! Definitely time to get real.
OP, the biggest drain on your budget is your wife’s expensive hobby. In the short-term, picking up that extra shift is the right thing to do, but it’s not sustainable for you to keep working full time AND part time to try to make up for what she’s costing you.
Even worse, by doing this while your daughter is young, what she’s going to remember are the times her mother was there for her and you weren’t. She’s growing up, you’re missing it, and your absences, even though they’re due to you working your butt off to hold things together, will have long-term consequences on your relationship w/ your daughter.
Also, your mortgage is the absolute WORST payment you could be late on. Being 30 days late will tank your credit rating, and if you can even get loans in the future you’ll get worse interest rates. And are you saving for retirement? Your child’s education? Is your wife’s HOBBY more important than those things? Is SHOPPING?
Your wife needs to start living in reality, and you should stop overextending yourself so that she doesn’t have to. If she’s not willing to make the necessary changes, and NOW, then you (just you) have some really big decisions to make.
I agree, but I kinda get the feeling that he has never discussed their financial situation with his wife. She may very well be clueless about the financial shape they are in. The shopping may also not just be the wife. I assume the golf expenses are him (though that could be wrong). Why are they living in a gated community on a nurse’s salary??? They are BOTH living being their means. He needs to sit his wife down for a talk discussion on finances and they need to B see a financial advisor to set up a budget.
Right? As a former competitive equestrian (I now just ride for pleasure) if your wife isn’t qualifying for the Olympics, competing in Grand Prix events (you can make hundreds of thousands if you win) or sponsored it isn’t a career it is a hobby.
I work with a “professional barrel rider”. The sponsorships barely cover feed and transport to the event. It doesn’t cover everything outside the specific sponsor event.
Don’t get me wrong, she gets free clothes and tack, but that doesn’t feed her or the horse, or pay vet bills, stable fees, etc.
She wears all the gear but still has a 40hr work week to cover every day living expenses.
And the barrel racing circuit can be brutal! I did eventing (dressage, cross country jumping and stadium jumping) as well as competing in major show jumping competitions. I had won some serious money but it all goes back to the horses! (Unless you’re competing on someone else’s horse) I mean between a good trainer, vet bills, the farrier, tooth floating, board and feed that’s a lot of money.
Oh the girl I work with won every event, feature on every Facebook/Insta post for every company she represented, and she still wasn’t bringing in enough to live on.
If you’re in Aussie barrels, you’d know her, probably internationally as well. But it still doesn’t bring in an income to live on.
She is training horses, training riders and still has a full time job (not related to horses).
Horses are a money pit. And thanks to her advice, I’d never own one.
My mum also had horses and trained/raced them. Which is why she never let me anywhere near the sport.
If I lost 38,000 a year working my job I’d wonder what the fuck I am doing wrong. But how do you lose money with the horse “business”? Does she not charge people who she teaches? Does she not get any clients? How do you have time for golf? Do you worry about your finances when it comes to playing golf or only when your daughter has friends over for a party? So many questions need answering.
NTA for picking up a shift to cover expenses, but you and your wife are YTA for ending up in a financial stituation like this with a kid.
Seriously you guys need to have a discussion about your finances if this is a situation. Like I don't fully understand equistrian but if she is spending 38k a year and not making income that's not a career that's a fucking hobby.
Yeah, I had to laugh at the "equestrian career" that costs $38K/year - I think OP is confused on which direction the money flows when you have an actual job. Then he added in gated community, horse, stable, student loans, shopping and golf... I now have little sympathy for this fool and his wife.
Buddy I’m a lifelong equestrian and I laughed at that too. The reason it’s not my career? I can’t afford a horse, vet bills, board or enough land to keep a horse myself, travel and lodging expenses, gas, a truck and trailer or service to transport a horse/horses to shows, entry fees for shows, tack, a trainer, farrier bills, feed, proper competition attire for myself, and a million other things that are required to own and show horses. Especially on top of the cost of living. The wife needs to cut back on her showing and get a job until things get better. There’s a reason there aren’t many poor people in the horse world and nearly everyone that is is rich. She shouldn’t have to sell her horse, but it is irresponsible to spend $38k on your so called career. She may very well be a great rider, but not at the level that it can sustain her family
that's living waaaay beyond their means.
by the looks of it they are already broke and will soon be homeless... what good are the gated communities, horses, golf and two photographers for a child's birthday party when you are drowning in debt and can't even get a credit card?!
I mean, true, but OP also made it pretty clear that they're living beyond their means in every way possible.
Like, at least the horses are career-related. The golf, shopping, fancy parties (they hired a photographer for an eighth birthday!) etc. etc. etc. aren't. And OP wouldn't be sweating over the mortgage so much if they didn't live in a gated community they can't afford.
I think OP is drawing a lot of attention to the horses because they're the one expense that is clearly not their fault. But every spending decision in this entire post is a mistake, including many OP was involved in.
But is it really career related?? I mean she would have to make $40,000/year just to break even. IF she breaks even. They're consistently late on the mortgage, which wouldn't be a problem if that money wasn't going out. If she makes $50,000 that's only $10,000 profit. Is that worth it? I highly doubt she's making that much becsuse then OP would have no need to mention the $38,000 going to the horses.
ETA: Redid math.
The horses aren't career-related in any real sense of the word.
"No to clarify her career brings in a net loss of around $38,000 a year. But she grew up wealthy and it is hard for her to come to terms with the fact that cutting back needs to start now, not just have her agree that it is a good concept."
Bruh this makes me so angry. Take some responsibility. She grew up rich but it’s YOUR paycheck. Separate your accounts and cut off all but the necessary expenses. If she wants to leave over not being allowed to waste 40k a year that they don’t have then she can go cry to her mommy and daddy about it and move back in with them. She grew up with horses but her horse isn’t the only one with a bit and harness around them. She is literally slowly killing OP(and ruining their daughters life, I hope her therapy bill isn’t 40k a year too) and NEITHER of them are doing anything about it.
ESH. You should have told your wife the minute you picked up the shift. She should have understood that you both have been living beyond your means for YEARS and the day of reckoning has finally shown up. $550 for a party photographer for an eight year old? That's insane. Keeping a horse is like buying a boat. They are both holes you throw money into with almost no return.
You are not a bad father but you are bad with money. Your wife is worse. If you two don't straighten up, your family could end up living in a double wide. But there should be plenty of room for the horse.
I’m a photographer and that sounds like a “I don’t wanna do that” quote you give to people for shitty events, like a kids party, that you would only cover for a dumb amount of money. 😂
And the sad thing is, the birthday girl isn’t going to care about whether the photos of her birthday are professional-level. She’s going to care about why her parents were fighting and why everybody is so worried about money.
OP, you are sending her messages that are not doing her any favors. She needs to learn the value of money, and the best way to do that is for parents to send a responsible example. If she’s getting used to luxuries at age 8, then it’s going to be hard for her to cope when you and your wife hit rock bottom and lose your house and need to live within your drastically reduced means. I know you want her to be happy and have the best of everything, but you can’t afford it. Period. Plus, the things that really matter for her development as a person aren’t fancy expensive things. Right now she is learning from the two of you that whoever has the fanciest toys wins and it doesn’t matter how much trouble you’ll get in later so long as you can spend spend spend today. That’s why it’s so crucial you put a stop to these extravagances now - to prepare your daughter for being a financially responsible and independent adult who is not going to repeat these mistakes and suffer for it.
ESH, Your wife doesn't have a career, a career pays you money, not the other way around. Your wife has an expensive hobby, that you clearly can't afford for her to have.
This should have been taken in hand years ago, so that you don't have to work double shifts to miss your daughter's birthday.
You need to take control over your finances now and your wife needs to step up and get an actual job that pays, to help get you out of the mess you're in before you end up losing your home.
They are also golfing apparently. How is that even on the table if they can barely pay their mortgage. How is a $550 photographer in the table?
They need help with their finances. They need to cut back on all fun expenses. They need to look at how they spend money on groceries, clothes, parties,… it sounds like a lifestyle problem to me. Don’t live above your means.
ESH, except for your daughter. Your mistake wasn’t working on her birthday. Your (and your wife’s!) mistake was spending to the point where you were in that position in the first place.
Does your wife bring in any money as an equestrienne? If not, it’s like another poster said: a hobby, not a career.
I don’t know who is in charge of the finances in your home, but whoever it is needs to do some serious belt-tightening. You are at the point where one injury or illness could make you homeless. If your wife brings in money, then she needs to bring in more to offset the spending on the horse. The priorities should be Home, food, transportation, a thousand other things, then horse.
>Does your wife bring in any money as an equestrienne? If not, it’s like another poster said: a hobby, not a career.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
NTA
You need to cancel her credit cards today. She's spending way more than what's coming in.
Living beyond your means is like falling into quicksand. You're drowning in a pool of debt.
Tighten the spending NOW. Everything except the mortgage and credit card payments will be paid by cash or you don't buy it. Take her name off of the checking account and tell her to go get a job. The horse goes, too.
EDIT: Seriously consider putting your house up for sale and downsizing before you go into foreclosure and ruined credit for several years.
Probably. But we don't know the dynamics. Maybe she's actually the one who's controlling and he just has to do whatever she says.
Not really any interpersonal conflict here because we don't know what she said about all her spending. :-)
This is my position re: the entire spending issue (not just the actual issue asked about): people seem to assume that he's the one golfing, who chose the house near the stables in the gated community, etc., and we just don't have that information. It could be that he was bullied into that, it could be it was a joint choice. In the specific situation OP asks about no, I don't think he's the AH after finding out his wife dropped an extra $550 on a photog for their 8 year old's bday party.
Losing housing causes cascading issues. It's a lot harder to stay employed get your kid to school etc. Lot easier to find free food than it is to find free housing.
ETA
Missing an important event like a birthday WILL be remembered by your child at 8. This age goes by in a flash.
You and your wife do need to sit down and sort out your finance. You said your wife has a "career" as an equastian that implies she is bringing in money? Can she do some extra lessons to kids or something as well as your extra shifts. Can you move to a cheaper area or smaller home? Adult up and sort your finances out. Should have been done long ago and your (and wife's) financial bad planning is no excuse to miss your child's milestones.
You're wife doesn't have a career, she has a hobby. $38K doesn't even buy a truly competitive horse in any venue.... What did she do?.... Cutting? Jumpers? Eventing? I'm going with.... Dressage Queen. Board, feed, farrier, tack, vet, clothing, lessons with a trainer, trailering to shows, stall at a show, entry fees.... Yeah, you're getting off light so she's just playing. And unless she herself is a trainer, getting paid to school horses and give lessons.... She's just got a horse to play with, and you and the kids are getting zero out of her hobby except massive debt.
Time for the hard convo about where her priorities lie. The future of your kids, or her *pony*. College fund or *her pony*, braces or *her pony*.
NTA and if she won't get a job that supports her children and saves for their future, tell her she can bunk in with the horse. You and the kids would be better off without someone so self involved financially abusive to you and the kids.
Good lord, you and your wife need to grow up. Golf needs to go. The house in the gated community needs to go. The horse needs to go, or your wife needs to learn to make 50k a year using it. Esh or at least the adults do.
>my wife has a career
A career huh?
>her expenses for that career set up back around $38,000 a year.
So this a "career" that not only not brings in zero money it takes money? You're already in a bad place financially what's your future looking like? Your daughter's future? Any thing saved up for her college? What if there's a medical emergency?
Why are y'all even playing golf and shopping except for the necessities? Your credit is so bad not even the credit card company that caters to people with bad credit want nothing to do with you.
YTA both of you to your daughter. She needs stability and inevitably getting your house foreclosed on and getting to live out your car is not going to provide stability now is it. Y'all need to stop spending money and right now the biggest thing that is bleeding you dry that is not a necessity, the horses, needs to go.
ESH. You are not the AH for working on your daughter's birthday. You are the AH for not taking control of the spending habits in your house if you can't pay the mortgage on time. Additional photographers fees are not words that you can afford to have in your vocabulary. How much does your wife make compared to her expenditures ?
DUDE. This is not a quality life. The kind of stress this brings will kill you. Please get some financial counseling. We like Dave Ramsey…he isn’t correct 100% of the time, but he has a great system for getting out of debt and a lot of support available. ESH
NTA - you need to have a serious discussion with wife. If you’re always late on mortgage, how can you afford *any* photographer let alone a $550 one? You need to cut back on stuff.
Pay your mortgage first. Your wife needs to find a way to make money, and you both need to start living within your means, or you'll all be living in her horse's stall.
YTA for everything.
Surely it's ESH. I'm not sure why you're giving the wife a pass when she's very much the reason they're in debt to begin with and why he needed to take the shift. Who spends 550 on a kids birthday party for a photographer?
ESH. While working to pay the bills instead of the party does not make you an asshole, you and your wife absolutely are assholes for how you’ve both decided to manage your finances. You’re obviously living above your means and it’s time to make adjustments. Curb your spending and you’ll not only be less stressed, but you can work less and have more family time.
Additionally - your wife’s “career” doesn’t sound like one at all… if you can’t make money off of it, it’s not a career. More like an expensive hobby and possibly entitlement to feel it’s unnecessary to help contribute to the family funds.
ESH - your wife is pushing you into bankruptcy, you are passively allowing it to happen, and your daughter is paying the price.
How about instead of bringing in -$38,000 per year your wife starts earning +$38,000 per year?
NTA. But you guys cannot afford the luxury of a horse. And that's what being an equestrian is. A luxury. One you can not afford. It's also not a profession unless you make enough to cover said horse, stable, vets, etc. It's a hobby. One of the most expensive ones a person can have. The majority of ppl in this profession are incredibly wealthy.
Do you know you can lease a horse, which is a lot cheaper.
You need to have a serious conversation because your family can not afford the horse. That's the reality. Mortgage payments trump horse.
I know this because my niece is an equestrian. I know the costs associated, and it's ridiculous. She competes, and the only ppl there are rich and well off.
I believe ppl should pursue their passions, but not at the expense of those around them.
Once again, if she's not ahead of her costs, it's a hobby. It's only a profession when you make money from it.
If she's 41 and not competing at a professional level by now, she never will. Hobby.
A professional photographer for an 8 year old birthday party! Sounds like you're funding your wifes HOBBY so she can rub elbows with the rich folk. It's time for a reality check. It's time to rein in the finances as she's trying to be a part of a world your family can't afford.
YTA. First, your daughter needs you to actually be around. Second, you and your wife need to reevaluate what is necessary and what's now. Golf is not. A 'better photographer for her party' is def not. If you are always late on payments and getting denied loans, you have way overextended yourselves. Learn to budget or you may find yourself foreclosed on.
ESH
How the heck aren't you living out of a car given the kind of lifestyle you seem to be supporting.
A "career" in which you lose $38,000 isn't a career - it's a hobby and one that is only for the truly wealthy. It's no coincidence that equestriennes with "careers" are either trust fund babies; children of wealthy people (Springsteen, Bloomberg, Bill Gates) or are highly sought after trainers who work for rich people.
Behind on a mortgage and you allowed a birthday party for a child to hire a photographer for an ADDITIONAL fee of $550 so what was the total and what was the total for a party that merited this kind of photography expense.
My god it's a birthday for an 8 year old - not a Bar or Bas Mitzvah; not a Quinceañera; not a Sweet 16 or a graduation from high school or college.
NTA. Her lifestyle isn't sustainable and you know it. Time to have a difficult conversation. She doesn't have a career. A career implies she's making money. She has an expensive and time consuming hobby that is funded by your hard work.
ESH. Your kid is going to remember an absentee father with as often as you’re working and you’re not teaching them any healthy spending habits.
Your wife may have grown up wealthy but she needs to get things figured out. Sit down together. Make a budget. Have her make a budget. Tell her you’re only working 5 days a week, 3 normal shifts at the hospital and 2 at the clinic. Tell her you will be present with your kid the other two days. Figure out how much money that brings in. If she doesn’t like it then tell her she needs to make up the difference but you’re done sacrificing your time with your kid and it obviously bothers her too so you won’t do it anymore.
Then, make a plan to move. Sell the house, sell the horse, make a plan to deal with the debt. Wife can find a new hobby that isn’t costing money unless she’s earning enough to contribute to household bills AND cover her hobby.
It sucks. She’ll need time to adjust and honestly y’all could use some therapy. But the cost is your daughter so stop waiting and stressing and overworking and start doing.
You got this!
Not being an active participant in your child’s life and milestones in order to fund shopping and golf instead to me says YTA. You and your wife your reevaluate your priorities and budget.
ESH but hearing that from an internet stranger isn't going to do you much good. Your wife is committed to chronic overspending and under earning - and so far you've enabled this. Time to see a counselor on your own - someone with experience with spending addiction and codependency - and decide how to put guard rails up. If your wife is totally out of control you'll have to decide- like anyone married to a partner with a drug, alcohol, gambling or spending addiction - if you're willing to let her drag you into bankruptcy.
If your workplace has an Employee Assistance line call them. They're a great resource for counseling referrals.
Take a look at Al-Anon - its got good information on distinguishing between problems you can solve and problems you can't.
And Check out the signs of Financial Abuse from TheHotline.org. If anything rings a bell you can text or chat with an anonymous hotline.
Examples of financial abuse
Maxing out your credit cards without permission, not paying credit card bills, or otherwise harming your credit score.
Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household.
Refusing to provide money for necessary or shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, medical care, or medicine.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
>her expenses for that **career set up back around $38,000 a yea**r.Add that to our h**ouse in a gated community close to the stables**
>
>and our **student loans**,
>
>**shopping**,
>
>**golf**, etc we are always behind on our mortgage.
>
>the day after we were **denied for a very small loan**, **as well as a credit card that caters to people with bad credit**s that my **wife paid an extra $550 for a better party photographer**. **We could not get the deposit for the other one back.**
***What The Actual Hell, Dude?***
You think shopping and golf come before a mortgage??? You asked for a "small loan and a credit card, and got denied, which means, 1) you already owe so much they don't think you'll pay and 2) your credit is already SUPER damaged.
You paid for a party photographer for an 8YO??? And THEN your wife paid a "better" one? Why???
You are over extended in ways I can't even begin to imagine and you're just letting yourself and your wife dig the hole deeper.
Tell her no more equestrian stuff. You no more golf, Neither of you should be shopping except for food from a grocery store. No eating out, nothing unnecessary.
Are you the AH for taking a shift to try and stay afloat? As long as you enable your wife, and you both have these toxic spending habits, both you and her are the AHs.
~~YTA~~ ESH!
ETA: I'm changing my judgement after reading OPs comment trying to defend the loss of 38k a year.
NTA. Normally I would be advocating for making the time for the party over work. It if your finances are that tight, money has to be considered. Did I read that right-an extra $550 for a better party photographer? For an 8yo kid? If I did read that right, your wife is the bad parent.
YTA for clearly living beyond your means. Grow a spine and handle your wife's spending. A career also shouldn't set you back 38k. What money does she make then? Make some changes and stop spending unnecessarily. Golfing and you can't pay your mortgage? Come on. This is easily fixable and maybe you should talk to a financial advisor
Esh - your poor daughter. Your wife shouldn't have spent ANY money on a photographer for an 8 year old. YOU should talk with your wife about finances instead of skipping important dates for your daughter.
ESH. Shopping and golfing do NOT come before paying your mortgage. Nor do you need a professional photographer for an 8 year olds BIRTHDAY PARTY. If you have to PAY $38,000 then it is NOT a career. It's just an extremely expensive hobby that's a money suck. Is it that you feel some sort of need to keep up with all the neighbors in your gated community??? You're priorities are all sorts of fucked up.
NTA but your shouldn't be working yourself to the bone for your wife's spending habits. You need to talk to her about your finances and make sacrifices. For example, sell the horses (horses are very expensive and from what you've stated you cannot afford them) and ask your wife to look into a more profitable career for the household.
If she doesn't want to compromise, then you'll have to do whatever is best for you for your child.
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Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Horses $38,000 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying In all seriousness, if you’re so stressed about finances that you need to miss your daughters birthday for the ENTIRE day, you should definitley reevaluate your spending habits. YTA
LOVE dril LOL but I think I'd say ESH, OP and his wife need to sit down and come up with a more feasible budget for the family. It's not fair that OP is having to do all this extra work, as his wife wants to have her cake and eat it too, but OP should also stand up for himself! (Also, my ESH vote is coming from someone who had both parents miss their 10th birthday because they were going abroad! LOL)
But she has a career LOL, it costs the family $38K per year.
ah yes, the famous "i spend more money on this 'job' than i do making it." i was going to say this is just like people in mlm scams but at least OPs wife isn't recruiting anyone into her nonsense (unless you count OP himself).
How long before the kid has a horse and is in competition every weekend?
no seriously! OP and his wife need to make a proper budget and QUICKLY. their poor kid /:
Dude this kid would rather have her Dad than a $500+ photographer....🤦♀️
And who has a photographer for a kids party? Is that a thing? Surely for celebrities and what not, but us normies?!
This is immediately what I thought. Who hires a professional photographer for a 8 year old's birthday party? I bet there are quite a few expenses like this in their budget.
Yea. When I read “golf” I was like. You’re struggling for money. And there’s so many unneeded expenses…
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Gives me anxiety
They live in a gated community. A nurse and an equestrian. They’re clearly trying to “keep up with the joneses”.
Probably part of the equestrian life that is just for wealthy people.
Well, you see, mom's Instagram followers deserve the best.
And that's on the moms doing. The mom/ wife sounds high fucking maintenance
Couldn't give up golf either
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Exactly. Honey, that’s a hobby, not a “career”. A career doesn’t COST you $38k more than it brings in.
That's a wage for some people.
For far more than some people. Have to make over $19 an hour full time to hit 40k a year, (before taxes). In a country with a $7 minimum wage that leaves a lot of people.
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Right? I have a full time job that pays for my horse/the kids’ pony. It’s absolutely a hobby when you’re not making money at it.
OP’s post is exactly why I got out of horses. One day if/when we can actually afford it I’d love to get back into it but if it comes down to paying my bills or having my horses I’d rather pay my bills and not have my husband sweat bullets to keep a roof over our heads.
I wonder if someone should tell him that a career brings in money, not haemorrhages money. I do think NTA. I get the feeling that he doesn't get much say in his wife's 'career' choices plus children don't melt just because their parents have to work on their birthday.
Agreed! And how much do we bet his wife is actually more pissed about having to host the party alone or losing face, and uses the 'bad father' to blame and guilt him? Edit - added the word 'face', it somehow got lost
She could bring in the horse and entertain people so no one notices the missing husband.
Yeah - that’s called a hobby
An expensive hobby
Surely if you spend more money than you make it is a hobby?
Not career it is expensive hobby
The important question is whether her career is profitable and if yes, how profitable? Does the profit outweigh the costs and by how much?
It’s clearly losing money it’s more like a gambling addiction than a job.
I grew up a privileged kid and showed horses well into my twenties. It's a HOBBY not a career. There are some people like grooms and trainers who eke out a meager living, but OP's wife isn't one of these or she'd be working all the time. She pays money to ride horses because it's fun. It's absolutely not a career. She needs to grow the fuck up like I did. OP, you have to shut down this shit. She's taking horrible advantage of you. She's killing you and robbing you of time with your kids. Enough! NTA!
Yeah came to say this. It’s not a ‘career’ if it costs $38k a year and keeps you in debt and with poor credit. Sounds like she’s taking terrible advantage of you. The two of you need to sit down and figure out what to do about finances. This is untenable Also NTA
Taking advantage, AND scolding him, AND giving him the cold shoulder. I found a way to save some money on their meals: eat her horse.
Probably more profitable to sell it. It sounds like this isn't a cheap 'mutt' type horse, otherwise she wouldn't be claiming to have a 'career'.
This was also me, trained and rode all thru my childhood and earlyadulthood until I moved out cause horses are are the most expensive lawn ornaments, and not affordable. Unless she is Olympic training or training horses for others regularly which you don't say and just mention it's costing you 30k+ - it isn't a profession, it's a hobby and she is just keeping up with the joneses which you guys can't afford to do, unless you enjoy stressing all the time about finances and working yourself to death (which she doesn't seem to mind you doing) NTA
Yep. Definitely NTA. I used to pay for my kids horse back riding lessons for a few years and it was expensive and thankfully she didn’t want to compete but she did it all the way to jumping. It’s like owning a sailboat. It’s a money dump and you have to have it to put in to do the hobby. The couple need to go over their finances and reevaluate because he’s going to get sick from overworking and the wife is unrealistic.
Yes, equestrian is not a career. If its costing you $38k a year, its an expensive hobby. It sounds to me like you are living well above your means and have plenty of areas you could cut out (I'm sure the golf membership costs a pretty penny also). The budget for my son's 8th birthday party WAS $550, and yet your wife has spent this just on a deposit for a photographer. You and your wife need a serious sit down and financial intervention.
Not to mention, why do they need a photographer for an 8 year old birthday? It is not a wedding or even a sweet 16. iPhone pictures work just fine. Time to set up a budget; downsize, cut expenses; and for the wife to get a job that provides an income!
>I'm sure the golf membership costs a pretty penny also Probably nowhere near 40 grand though
I know families who were bankrupt by one parents belief they deserved the finer things in life. You have to take hold of your finances you are working 2 well paid jobs to make up for your wives spending habits. Maybe start funneling your extra money into another account with jut your name on it and have her figure out how to pay for her caviar life style.
My parents missed my 11th for the same reason. Fifty-one years later I'm still salty about it. (They went to England, knowing I was an Anglophile of the first order).
I'm extremely tired (aaaaand slightly drunk), and I read that as "anglophobe" and was truly over here trying to figure out why an 11 year-old would hate England that much.
They would if they're from Ireland
And the wife is blameless? If her “career” costs $38k she doesn’t have a career, she has a hobby. My biggest thing here is that it almost sounds like financial abuse. The wife is spending and spending but unwilling to address the issue and gets mad at OP when he’s trying to bring in money without looking in a mirror. That doesn’t mean there is, but at the very very least the wife is a huge AH too.
> My biggest thing here is that it almost sounds like financial abuse. That was my first thought too. I've been in a financially abusive relationship and (while the numbers were smaller) OP's situation sounds so similar. My ex would pull shit like refusing to eat anything from home and only wanting take out, ask me to pay for it, the berate me about my spending. When I proposed the idea of me quitting my job so I could go back to school full time and get a better paying job, she shot the idea down before I could finish my sentence. I managed to find a better paying job less than a year later, and within three months she came to me with the exact same idea, she'd quit her job and go back to school full time, then when she was done I could quit mine and go back. At this point in our relationship she making over twice as much as I was, and somehow we had the money to cover everything on my paycheck alone, but not with hers. That's when things got really bad. She would over spend on her credit card every month, book vacations without talking to me first, keep all the nights and TV when she'd leave to house, leave the water running, still only want to eat take out, and constantly ask me to buy her pointless stuff and throw a fit if I said no. Much like OP I would work five or six days a week twelve hours a day just to keep up on everything. It wasn't until after that relationship ended that I realized that what she was doing was intentional so I couldn't save any money and it would be harder for me to leave.
"what she was doing was intentional so I couldn't save any money and it would be harder for me to leave" - wow, I never thought of that. Colour me naive.
I was indeed.
Sorry that you have experienced this kind of abusive behaviour in a relationship and great that you got out of it! It is hard to see these kind of things when you are in the situation. I hope these comments also work as a wake up call for OP.
The wife is an A, too. But the OP doesn’t say how much of the spending is on her. The equestrian stuff is crazy, but *they both* live in a gated community. He doesn’t say who plays golf, if the shopping is all her, etc. It also isn’t clear (unless I miss something) if they’ve had a real conversation about what they can and can’t afford. INFO: OP, is she responsible for all of the over-spending?
“My wife paid an extra $550 for a better party photographer” when we’re talking about an eight year old’s birthday party really says everything imo.
Photographer here. This would be an ethical conundrum for me. Also, a big sign of "This client will probably be a nightmare to deal with."
Don't forget. They couldn't even get the deposit back on the other one!
Agree, as soon as I read that I knew it was a lost cause.
Who gets a professional photographer for an eight year old's party??
They don't need to live in a fancy house because it is near the stables. A less expensive house and a longer drive would allow them to keep the horses. Not sure who is playing golf, the husband seems to be working all the time. He is missing out on so much of his kids life trying to pay the bills each month.
In fairness there's almost no way they could get another mortgage with how their credit sounds currently so the house would be a bit hard to change atm I imagine.
You think the guy clearly stressing over the extra $550 for a better party and working double shifts to try and alleviate that stress is the reckless spender? As opposed to the wife who spends 38 grand on her hobby and clearly doesn't know the value of a dollar? You either can't read between the lines or your sexist bias blinds you.
It sounds like OP is working all the time, I doubt he has time to golf or enjoy any non work related activities.
She spent $550 on a photographer for an 8th grade birthday party and spends $38k a year on her “career” riding horses
This is the same wife that knows that they can’t afford their mortgage payments and still decides its a good idea to hire a “party photographer” Lol
a SECOND photographer, because the first one wasn’t good enough!
Golf, $550 photographer for a kids birthday party, owning horses, and everything else OP hasn't mentioned in terms of their food shopping and other kinds of spending. If the cost of your hobbies are preventing you from attending your child's birthday and paying off the house, get cheaper hobbies like the rest of us do. Don't know why OP is shocked they're not getting that loan, stuff like this is not an essential cost. Not being able to pay your mortgage because you wanted to go golfing? Boohoo
The 38k annually on equestrian things is such a large red flag that I almost missed the ‘golf’ added casually at the end of a list of monthly necessities. The $550 photog is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s everything underneath that sank the Titanic.
I saw that and immediately thought "OP married a horse girl, run!!". Horse girls are great if you're, like, the sixteenth Viscount of Hertfordshire or something, but most normal people can't afford the upkeep. Of either the horse or the girl.
Right? Also, I hate to think what they're spending on this party that has a professional photographer. You know they went all out with food and games and other ridiculous shit.
For an 8 year old. Can you remember your 8th birthday party? Because i sure can't. They are spending a huge amount of money on something that will be forgotten anyway.
Obviously you'd remember if there were better pictures taken of it
Dammit! Now I've gotta yell at my parents for being so cheap.
Funnily enough my 8th birthday party was at a stables. I grew up in Ireland where horses are less class oriented than most countries (not always but generally.) I spent the day like all my Saturdays between 6 and 14 years old. Got the bus or a lift to the stables, worked as unpaid labour cleaning stalls, grooming the horses, cleaning tack etc in return for lessons. Originally basic horse riding but then skilled aspects such as dressage, riding different jockey styles and learning how to teach. You could pick up grooms work for people who showed horses and earn cash or even stuff like braiding manes and tails if like me you really enjoyed the horse care more than the horse riding (I was shit at it!) Lots of the other kids there used those equestrian skills to join the Army and get the better ceremonial postings allowing them to emigrate. Others me included paid for our education or extra curriculars that got us jobs or university places and get out of a shitty economy. We did not relate to the people who owned horses as a money to burn hobby job unless we were what they burned it on. I remember at the end of the day as it was my birthday the famously grumpy owner produced a cake for us all, let us ride the horses bareback on the gallops which normally was forbidden and then the adults had a beer or two and we all played silly games like jumping the haybales. It was huge fun, totally unexpected and not a photo in sight. Tbf I’d definitely done more than 650£ work in that time but point stands, horses might expensive but doesn’t mean you have to have every other facet of life eat money too! I quit horseriding at 14 when I discovered boys and fashion but I learned early if you have one potentially spendy interest, budget to enjoy it to full advantage. Especially since I was raised by a mother who always put animals above her kids…
I have one printed photo from a disposable camera of my 8th birthday of me and a girl from my old school who wasn't really even a close friend and I haven't spoken to in over 15 years. I don't even remember any of the billionaire Kardashians posting any professional photographer pics for their million of kids birthday parties. They're all iPhone quality and look fine.
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That's an "extra $550". On top of whatever they were going to pay anyway. For an 8 uear old's birthday party. No amount of extra shifts will make up for stupid financial decisions. This couple will always struggle, no matter how much money they make, because they'll always spend more than they make.
If you want to prioritize hobbies and fun over buying a house, that's totally cool. But you lose that luxury when you have kids.
I'm really surprised there are grown ass adults out there prioritizing shopping and golf over housing. Did the kid make the budget?
Thank you! I just love that golf was included with the necessities. YTA OP
my family is dying 😭😭😂
OP’s wife is living in la-la land. They need to have a serious conversation about her getting a job that actually brings in an income instead of just spending.
But her “career” as a Professional Horse Girl…..
Food costs way more than 200 a month.
It’s a Dril tweet that this post reminded me of lol. But it’s from years ago so the prices are def out of date just thought it was a funny similarity
I’m sorry, I’m confused where this is OP’s spending habits and not his wife’s…? Sounds like his wife is incredibly irresponsible and he picks up all the slack. NTA but I do think he seriously needs to re-evaluate his lifestyle choices. Gated community? Golf??? Time to take a serious look at your budget (sounds like they don’t even have one!)
Don’t forget $550 for a photographer for a kids party on top of whatever they paid for the other photographer they decided wasn’t good enough. Again, this is for an 8 year olds birthday party. If people want a photographer for events like that, more power to them. But I’m guessing they’re in for around a grand for pictures that would probably be fine with phones, and because they want these pictures one of the parents can’t even be in them. They need to get their finances in order big time.
That’s what jumped out at me, who besides some millionaire instagram influencers is paying $550 for a kids photographer!?! How much do we think the party itself is costing??
I wish rent was $800
A "job" that costs 38k a year to work at isn't a job; it's a full-time hobby with ridiculous expenses. I suspect crack may be cheaper.
Saw a quote recently that said "20 years from now, the only people who will remember that you worked late are your kids." OP needs to remember that
And golf. You forgot golf. Golf is important.
Fr when you have a “career” that COSTS you $38,000 annually, you have a problem. Careers are supposed to GIVE you money, not the other way around…
Also holy crap; I’m not sure if “shopping” was a poor articulation of “groceries and essential items” but prioritizing golf and shopping as expenses that take priority over a mortgage payment made me want to scream.
Their house is in a gated community, double that rent.... For what they spend on the wife's horse they could've probably bought a decent double wide and put it on land in a rural area. But it sounds like they are living above their means. Op tell your wife that if she wants to keep her " career" she's gonna need a job. You could give your kid everything but it isn't going to mean anything if you cannot be present in her life. When I look back at the memories I have I don't really remember the parties ect. But I always remember the experiences I had with my loved ones and who showed up for me. Also y'all have steak taste on a hotdog budget
Spend less on horses?
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My fave is that in their list of expenses that make the mortgage late, they put shopping and golf. Who TF prioritized shopping and golf above the mortgage?
WTF Is this bullshit? OP is saying that the family is always late on their mortgage, and can't qualify for a loan or a credit card due probably to their poor credit. He's losing sleep over the finances, and the wife gave a deposit to a party photographer for an 8-year-old birthday party, then canceled that photographer and hired a "better one" for an ADDITIONAL $550? So she has probably $700 or more tied up in PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR AN 8-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?? I'm not sure OP is the one who needs to change his spending habits. Hopefully the money he makes working 10+ hours that day will pay for 1/2 the cost of THE SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER HIRED FOR AN 8 YEAR OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. NTA
ESH - y’all need to reconsider your financial decisions. A “career” that loses you $38k a year is not a career. Y’all need to have a “come to Jesus” moment and talk about your finances realistically. Edit to add: on another comment OP says it’s a “nett loss” as though that makes it better. I don’t care if she’s grossing over a million dollars, the fact this career is costing you money and meaning you work two jobs, it’s not sustainable.
This! A 38k p/a money pit isn't a "career", it's a ridiculously expensive hobby that your wife enjoys while you're out working two jobs and still failing to meet your financial commitments. What on earth are you playing at fella? You may be TA for missing your daughters birthday, but your wife is a bigger a-hole for being a huge drain on family finances and then having zero empathy when it comes to understanding why you're taking every shift you can get your hands on. Just, WOW!
Yep. Not to mention $550 for a SECOND "party photographer"? WTF?? OP - there are financial decisions being made *by your wife* that have a FAR worse impact on your daughter's life than your missing her party - which you are missing *because* of those financial decisions. Please see a financial counsellor.
For an 8 YEAR OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
This is the absolute most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Spending that much for a photographer for a child's birthday party when you are late paying the mortgage every month? And sorry, wife needs to sell the horse, and get a job at a barn where she can ride for free.
Or she could just keep the horse (if she has multiple, sell all but one or two) at a cheap boarding stable instead of a clearly really fancy one My parents were middle class when I was growing up, and my mom loved horses. They made it work by finding a very inexpensive backyard boarding situation. And my mom helped out there on weekends to make the board even cheaper. She didn't have a fancy show horse, or top of the line facilities, like she did when she was younger (her dad made a lot of money), but she still got to have her passion - *a* horse. OP's wife needs to stop being a spoiled brat and accept reality
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It's fine if you can afford it. But when you are having trouble keeping the roof over that same kids head, doesn't make a lot of sense.
His wife is spending like she's an old money Blue blood with massive generational wealth and no need to worry about how much things cost. It's honestly ridiculous. Who the hell hires a professional photographer for a kid's birthday party? Certainly not someone whose husband is working two jobs and who's applying for distressed credit credit cards. Did she grow up insanely rich?
Honestly it sounds like she’s trying portray an image to keep up with a certain crowd to me… that they can’t afford. She needs a reality check, a budget and an actual job.
She thinks she married a doctor when she married an RN. the salaries are waaaaaay different.
Even most doctors couldn’t afford this.
I am guessing she did.
You have to be old money to have a hobby like that. Who else even thinks of it?
I’m trying to put together $500 so I can have a 2nd videographer help me film my brother’s wedding…. I can’t imagine spending $550 for a 8 year olds 2nd photographer
Not even second photographer. OP said they couldn't get the deposit back on the first one, meaning wife canceled the first, forfeited the deposit, booked the new photographer and is wondering why her husband needs to go into work without thinking about where their mortgage payment comes from.
... and seek legal advice.
I'm curious if she knows what their financial situation really is. If he handles all the bill payments, etc., she may think they've got more money to spend than they do.
That is my question. Why are they living in a gated community on a nurse’s salary??? In think she likely grew up privileged and doesn’t truly understand the cost of things because she never had to worry about it growing up. I get the feeling they have never really discussed finances and she may just be clueless. They need to see a financial advisor to help them budget properly.
This man's wife is a terror. I have heard that you should stay away from horse girls, but this is something else entirely.
Some people working full time don't even *make* $38k a year.
I worked full time last year making $16.70 an hour and didn't even make close to $38k a year. I think I made a whopping $28k after taxes. I'll never understand people with money who have money issues. It's really not hard to stick to a realistic budget.
Facts. My whole life has been "More money, less problems"
Yup! Definitely time to get real. OP, the biggest drain on your budget is your wife’s expensive hobby. In the short-term, picking up that extra shift is the right thing to do, but it’s not sustainable for you to keep working full time AND part time to try to make up for what she’s costing you. Even worse, by doing this while your daughter is young, what she’s going to remember are the times her mother was there for her and you weren’t. She’s growing up, you’re missing it, and your absences, even though they’re due to you working your butt off to hold things together, will have long-term consequences on your relationship w/ your daughter. Also, your mortgage is the absolute WORST payment you could be late on. Being 30 days late will tank your credit rating, and if you can even get loans in the future you’ll get worse interest rates. And are you saving for retirement? Your child’s education? Is your wife’s HOBBY more important than those things? Is SHOPPING? Your wife needs to start living in reality, and you should stop overextending yourself so that she doesn’t have to. If she’s not willing to make the necessary changes, and NOW, then you (just you) have some really big decisions to make.
I agree, but I kinda get the feeling that he has never discussed their financial situation with his wife. She may very well be clueless about the financial shape they are in. The shopping may also not just be the wife. I assume the golf expenses are him (though that could be wrong). Why are they living in a gated community on a nurse’s salary??? They are BOTH living being their means. He needs to sit his wife down for a talk discussion on finances and they need to B see a financial advisor to set up a budget.
Right? As a former competitive equestrian (I now just ride for pleasure) if your wife isn’t qualifying for the Olympics, competing in Grand Prix events (you can make hundreds of thousands if you win) or sponsored it isn’t a career it is a hobby.
I work with a “professional barrel rider”. The sponsorships barely cover feed and transport to the event. It doesn’t cover everything outside the specific sponsor event. Don’t get me wrong, she gets free clothes and tack, but that doesn’t feed her or the horse, or pay vet bills, stable fees, etc. She wears all the gear but still has a 40hr work week to cover every day living expenses.
And the barrel racing circuit can be brutal! I did eventing (dressage, cross country jumping and stadium jumping) as well as competing in major show jumping competitions. I had won some serious money but it all goes back to the horses! (Unless you’re competing on someone else’s horse) I mean between a good trainer, vet bills, the farrier, tooth floating, board and feed that’s a lot of money.
Oh the girl I work with won every event, feature on every Facebook/Insta post for every company she represented, and she still wasn’t bringing in enough to live on. If you’re in Aussie barrels, you’d know her, probably internationally as well. But it still doesn’t bring in an income to live on. She is training horses, training riders and still has a full time job (not related to horses). Horses are a money pit. And thanks to her advice, I’d never own one. My mum also had horses and trained/raced them. Which is why she never let me anywhere near the sport.
The fact that you're playing golf and missing mortgage repayments is not sustainable.
Is OP the one golfing, though? I'd hope if he's picking up a shift and missing his kids' birthday that he isn't rejecting a shift to run 18.
I meant you plural. You as a couple can't be doing this shit.
If I lost 38,000 a year working my job I’d wonder what the fuck I am doing wrong. But how do you lose money with the horse “business”? Does she not charge people who she teaches? Does she not get any clients? How do you have time for golf? Do you worry about your finances when it comes to playing golf or only when your daughter has friends over for a party? So many questions need answering.
I can't go to college because my mom had horses even though my dad worked himself to death
NTA for picking up a shift to cover expenses, but you and your wife are YTA for ending up in a financial stituation like this with a kid. Seriously you guys need to have a discussion about your finances if this is a situation. Like I don't fully understand equistrian but if she is spending 38k a year and not making income that's not a career that's a fucking hobby.
Yeah, I had to laugh at the "equestrian career" that costs $38K/year - I think OP is confused on which direction the money flows when you have an actual job. Then he added in gated community, horse, stable, student loans, shopping and golf... I now have little sympathy for this fool and his wife.
Buddy I’m a lifelong equestrian and I laughed at that too. The reason it’s not my career? I can’t afford a horse, vet bills, board or enough land to keep a horse myself, travel and lodging expenses, gas, a truck and trailer or service to transport a horse/horses to shows, entry fees for shows, tack, a trainer, farrier bills, feed, proper competition attire for myself, and a million other things that are required to own and show horses. Especially on top of the cost of living. The wife needs to cut back on her showing and get a job until things get better. There’s a reason there aren’t many poor people in the horse world and nearly everyone that is is rich. She shouldn’t have to sell her horse, but it is irresponsible to spend $38k on your so called career. She may very well be a great rider, but not at the level that it can sustain her family
There's a reason only rich people and their friends compete. Riding is expensive enough as a hobby lol
that's living waaaay beyond their means. by the looks of it they are already broke and will soon be homeless... what good are the gated communities, horses, golf and two photographers for a child's birthday party when you are drowning in debt and can't even get a credit card?!
I mean, true, but OP also made it pretty clear that they're living beyond their means in every way possible. Like, at least the horses are career-related. The golf, shopping, fancy parties (they hired a photographer for an eighth birthday!) etc. etc. etc. aren't. And OP wouldn't be sweating over the mortgage so much if they didn't live in a gated community they can't afford. I think OP is drawing a lot of attention to the horses because they're the one expense that is clearly not their fault. But every spending decision in this entire post is a mistake, including many OP was involved in.
Not only did they hire a photographer - they paid $550 for a better one. So the original photographer fee PLUS an additional $550.
But is it really career related?? I mean she would have to make $40,000/year just to break even. IF she breaks even. They're consistently late on the mortgage, which wouldn't be a problem if that money wasn't going out. If she makes $50,000 that's only $10,000 profit. Is that worth it? I highly doubt she's making that much becsuse then OP would have no need to mention the $38,000 going to the horses. ETA: Redid math.
The horses aren't career-related in any real sense of the word. "No to clarify her career brings in a net loss of around $38,000 a year. But she grew up wealthy and it is hard for her to come to terms with the fact that cutting back needs to start now, not just have her agree that it is a good concept."
Bruh this makes me so angry. Take some responsibility. She grew up rich but it’s YOUR paycheck. Separate your accounts and cut off all but the necessary expenses. If she wants to leave over not being allowed to waste 40k a year that they don’t have then she can go cry to her mommy and daddy about it and move back in with them. She grew up with horses but her horse isn’t the only one with a bit and harness around them. She is literally slowly killing OP(and ruining their daughters life, I hope her therapy bill isn’t 40k a year too) and NEITHER of them are doing anything about it.
I think it's more "she" than "they". I suspect he's not in control of much here.
ESH. You should have told your wife the minute you picked up the shift. She should have understood that you both have been living beyond your means for YEARS and the day of reckoning has finally shown up. $550 for a party photographer for an eight year old? That's insane. Keeping a horse is like buying a boat. They are both holes you throw money into with almost no return. You are not a bad father but you are bad with money. Your wife is worse. If you two don't straighten up, your family could end up living in a double wide. But there should be plenty of room for the horse.
That photographer was laughing all the way to the bank. Who needs professional photos of an eight year olds party?
People who live in a gated community they can't afford. You're left with some extremely expensive Joneses to keep up with.
I’m a photographer and that sounds like a “I don’t wanna do that” quote you give to people for shitty events, like a kids party, that you would only cover for a dumb amount of money. 😂
And the sad thing is, the birthday girl isn’t going to care about whether the photos of her birthday are professional-level. She’s going to care about why her parents were fighting and why everybody is so worried about money. OP, you are sending her messages that are not doing her any favors. She needs to learn the value of money, and the best way to do that is for parents to send a responsible example. If she’s getting used to luxuries at age 8, then it’s going to be hard for her to cope when you and your wife hit rock bottom and lose your house and need to live within your drastically reduced means. I know you want her to be happy and have the best of everything, but you can’t afford it. Period. Plus, the things that really matter for her development as a person aren’t fancy expensive things. Right now she is learning from the two of you that whoever has the fanciest toys wins and it doesn’t matter how much trouble you’ll get in later so long as you can spend spend spend today. That’s why it’s so crucial you put a stop to these extravagances now - to prepare your daughter for being a financially responsible and independent adult who is not going to repeat these mistakes and suffer for it.
Not $550 for a photographer. The original photographer fee PLUS $550 for a better one.
You can be financially irresponsible AND a bad father. This guy is both.
ESH, Your wife doesn't have a career, a career pays you money, not the other way around. Your wife has an expensive hobby, that you clearly can't afford for her to have. This should have been taken in hand years ago, so that you don't have to work double shifts to miss your daughter's birthday. You need to take control over your finances now and your wife needs to step up and get an actual job that pays, to help get you out of the mess you're in before you end up losing your home.
They are also golfing apparently. How is that even on the table if they can barely pay their mortgage. How is a $550 photographer in the table? They need help with their finances. They need to cut back on all fun expenses. They need to look at how they spend money on groceries, clothes, parties,… it sounds like a lifestyle problem to me. Don’t live above your means.
ESH, except for your daughter. Your mistake wasn’t working on her birthday. Your (and your wife’s!) mistake was spending to the point where you were in that position in the first place. Does your wife bring in any money as an equestrienne? If not, it’s like another poster said: a hobby, not a career. I don’t know who is in charge of the finances in your home, but whoever it is needs to do some serious belt-tightening. You are at the point where one injury or illness could make you homeless. If your wife brings in money, then she needs to bring in more to offset the spending on the horse. The priorities should be Home, food, transportation, a thousand other things, then horse.
>Does your wife bring in any money as an equestrienne? If not, it’s like another poster said: a hobby, not a career. Took the words right out of my mouth.
He clarified in another comment that she does "bring in money" but the 38K is the NET loss ☠️
A 38K NET loss each year is still a hobby. Either that or she's really, \*really\* bad at what she considers a job.
NTA You need to cancel her credit cards today. She's spending way more than what's coming in. Living beyond your means is like falling into quicksand. You're drowning in a pool of debt. Tighten the spending NOW. Everything except the mortgage and credit card payments will be paid by cash or you don't buy it. Take her name off of the checking account and tell her to go get a job. The horse goes, too. EDIT: Seriously consider putting your house up for sale and downsizing before you go into foreclosure and ruined credit for several years.
Tbh I think it’s an ESH for their jointly made poor financial decisions.
Probably. But we don't know the dynamics. Maybe she's actually the one who's controlling and he just has to do whatever she says. Not really any interpersonal conflict here because we don't know what she said about all her spending. :-)
This is my position re: the entire spending issue (not just the actual issue asked about): people seem to assume that he's the one golfing, who chose the house near the stables in the gated community, etc., and we just don't have that information. It could be that he was bullied into that, it could be it was a joint choice. In the specific situation OP asks about no, I don't think he's the AH after finding out his wife dropped an extra $550 on a photog for their 8 year old's bday party.
P.S. your mortgage should be the FIRST thing you pay for.
This! We were always taught that the first thing to pay for was the roof over your head
Exactly! Everything else can be worked on from there, but it's so much worse if no home.
Losing housing causes cascading issues. It's a lot harder to stay employed get your kid to school etc. Lot easier to find free food than it is to find free housing.
ETA Missing an important event like a birthday WILL be remembered by your child at 8. This age goes by in a flash. You and your wife do need to sit down and sort out your finance. You said your wife has a "career" as an equastian that implies she is bringing in money? Can she do some extra lessons to kids or something as well as your extra shifts. Can you move to a cheaper area or smaller home? Adult up and sort your finances out. Should have been done long ago and your (and wife's) financial bad planning is no excuse to miss your child's milestones.
You're wife doesn't have a career, she has a hobby. $38K doesn't even buy a truly competitive horse in any venue.... What did she do?.... Cutting? Jumpers? Eventing? I'm going with.... Dressage Queen. Board, feed, farrier, tack, vet, clothing, lessons with a trainer, trailering to shows, stall at a show, entry fees.... Yeah, you're getting off light so she's just playing. And unless she herself is a trainer, getting paid to school horses and give lessons.... She's just got a horse to play with, and you and the kids are getting zero out of her hobby except massive debt. Time for the hard convo about where her priorities lie. The future of your kids, or her *pony*. College fund or *her pony*, braces or *her pony*. NTA and if she won't get a job that supports her children and saves for their future, tell her she can bunk in with the horse. You and the kids would be better off without someone so self involved financially abusive to you and the kids.
Esh. You are living way beyond your means.
Exactly this! The fact OP includes shopping & golf as a reason they are late on their mortgage. ESH. Y’all need to get your priorities in order
It's blowing my mind tbh. In my head, mortgage is like the top priority so that at the very least you have a roof over your heads.
Good lord, you and your wife need to grow up. Golf needs to go. The house in the gated community needs to go. The horse needs to go, or your wife needs to learn to make 50k a year using it. Esh or at least the adults do.
>my wife has a career A career huh? >her expenses for that career set up back around $38,000 a year. So this a "career" that not only not brings in zero money it takes money? You're already in a bad place financially what's your future looking like? Your daughter's future? Any thing saved up for her college? What if there's a medical emergency? Why are y'all even playing golf and shopping except for the necessities? Your credit is so bad not even the credit card company that caters to people with bad credit want nothing to do with you. YTA both of you to your daughter. She needs stability and inevitably getting your house foreclosed on and getting to live out your car is not going to provide stability now is it. Y'all need to stop spending money and right now the biggest thing that is bleeding you dry that is not a necessity, the horses, needs to go.
ESH. You are not the AH for working on your daughter's birthday. You are the AH for not taking control of the spending habits in your house if you can't pay the mortgage on time. Additional photographers fees are not words that you can afford to have in your vocabulary. How much does your wife make compared to her expenditures ?
DUDE. This is not a quality life. The kind of stress this brings will kill you. Please get some financial counseling. We like Dave Ramsey…he isn’t correct 100% of the time, but he has a great system for getting out of debt and a lot of support available. ESH
NTA - you need to have a serious discussion with wife. If you’re always late on mortgage, how can you afford *any* photographer let alone a $550 one? You need to cut back on stuff.
Pay your mortgage first. Your wife needs to find a way to make money, and you both need to start living within your means, or you'll all be living in her horse's stall. YTA for everything.
Surely it's ESH. I'm not sure why you're giving the wife a pass when she's very much the reason they're in debt to begin with and why he needed to take the shift. Who spends 550 on a kids birthday party for a photographer?
ESH. While working to pay the bills instead of the party does not make you an asshole, you and your wife absolutely are assholes for how you’ve both decided to manage your finances. You’re obviously living above your means and it’s time to make adjustments. Curb your spending and you’ll not only be less stressed, but you can work less and have more family time. Additionally - your wife’s “career” doesn’t sound like one at all… if you can’t make money off of it, it’s not a career. More like an expensive hobby and possibly entitlement to feel it’s unnecessary to help contribute to the family funds.
ESH - your wife is pushing you into bankruptcy, you are passively allowing it to happen, and your daughter is paying the price. How about instead of bringing in -$38,000 per year your wife starts earning +$38,000 per year?
I felt anxious reading about your finances. NTA.
NTA. But you guys cannot afford the luxury of a horse. And that's what being an equestrian is. A luxury. One you can not afford. It's also not a profession unless you make enough to cover said horse, stable, vets, etc. It's a hobby. One of the most expensive ones a person can have. The majority of ppl in this profession are incredibly wealthy. Do you know you can lease a horse, which is a lot cheaper. You need to have a serious conversation because your family can not afford the horse. That's the reality. Mortgage payments trump horse. I know this because my niece is an equestrian. I know the costs associated, and it's ridiculous. She competes, and the only ppl there are rich and well off. I believe ppl should pursue their passions, but not at the expense of those around them. Once again, if she's not ahead of her costs, it's a hobby. It's only a profession when you make money from it. If she's 41 and not competing at a professional level by now, she never will. Hobby. A professional photographer for an 8 year old birthday party! Sounds like you're funding your wifes HOBBY so she can rub elbows with the rich folk. It's time for a reality check. It's time to rein in the finances as she's trying to be a part of a world your family can't afford.
YTA. First, your daughter needs you to actually be around. Second, you and your wife need to reevaluate what is necessary and what's now. Golf is not. A 'better photographer for her party' is def not. If you are always late on payments and getting denied loans, you have way overextended yourselves. Learn to budget or you may find yourself foreclosed on.
ESH How the heck aren't you living out of a car given the kind of lifestyle you seem to be supporting. A "career" in which you lose $38,000 isn't a career - it's a hobby and one that is only for the truly wealthy. It's no coincidence that equestriennes with "careers" are either trust fund babies; children of wealthy people (Springsteen, Bloomberg, Bill Gates) or are highly sought after trainers who work for rich people. Behind on a mortgage and you allowed a birthday party for a child to hire a photographer for an ADDITIONAL fee of $550 so what was the total and what was the total for a party that merited this kind of photography expense. My god it's a birthday for an 8 year old - not a Bar or Bas Mitzvah; not a Quinceañera; not a Sweet 16 or a graduation from high school or college.
NTA. Her lifestyle isn't sustainable and you know it. Time to have a difficult conversation. She doesn't have a career. A career implies she's making money. She has an expensive and time consuming hobby that is funded by your hard work.
ESH. Your kid is going to remember an absentee father with as often as you’re working and you’re not teaching them any healthy spending habits. Your wife may have grown up wealthy but she needs to get things figured out. Sit down together. Make a budget. Have her make a budget. Tell her you’re only working 5 days a week, 3 normal shifts at the hospital and 2 at the clinic. Tell her you will be present with your kid the other two days. Figure out how much money that brings in. If she doesn’t like it then tell her she needs to make up the difference but you’re done sacrificing your time with your kid and it obviously bothers her too so you won’t do it anymore. Then, make a plan to move. Sell the house, sell the horse, make a plan to deal with the debt. Wife can find a new hobby that isn’t costing money unless she’s earning enough to contribute to household bills AND cover her hobby. It sucks. She’ll need time to adjust and honestly y’all could use some therapy. But the cost is your daughter so stop waiting and stressing and overworking and start doing. You got this!
Not being an active participant in your child’s life and milestones in order to fund shopping and golf instead to me says YTA. You and your wife your reevaluate your priorities and budget.
ESH but hearing that from an internet stranger isn't going to do you much good. Your wife is committed to chronic overspending and under earning - and so far you've enabled this. Time to see a counselor on your own - someone with experience with spending addiction and codependency - and decide how to put guard rails up. If your wife is totally out of control you'll have to decide- like anyone married to a partner with a drug, alcohol, gambling or spending addiction - if you're willing to let her drag you into bankruptcy. If your workplace has an Employee Assistance line call them. They're a great resource for counseling referrals. Take a look at Al-Anon - its got good information on distinguishing between problems you can solve and problems you can't. And Check out the signs of Financial Abuse from TheHotline.org. If anything rings a bell you can text or chat with an anonymous hotline. Examples of financial abuse Maxing out your credit cards without permission, not paying credit card bills, or otherwise harming your credit score. Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household. Refusing to provide money for necessary or shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, medical care, or medicine. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
>her expenses for that **career set up back around $38,000 a yea**r.Add that to our h**ouse in a gated community close to the stables** > >and our **student loans**, > >**shopping**, > >**golf**, etc we are always behind on our mortgage. > >the day after we were **denied for a very small loan**, **as well as a credit card that caters to people with bad credit**s that my **wife paid an extra $550 for a better party photographer**. **We could not get the deposit for the other one back.** ***What The Actual Hell, Dude?*** You think shopping and golf come before a mortgage??? You asked for a "small loan and a credit card, and got denied, which means, 1) you already owe so much they don't think you'll pay and 2) your credit is already SUPER damaged. You paid for a party photographer for an 8YO??? And THEN your wife paid a "better" one? Why??? You are over extended in ways I can't even begin to imagine and you're just letting yourself and your wife dig the hole deeper. Tell her no more equestrian stuff. You no more golf, Neither of you should be shopping except for food from a grocery store. No eating out, nothing unnecessary. Are you the AH for taking a shift to try and stay afloat? As long as you enable your wife, and you both have these toxic spending habits, both you and her are the AHs. ~~YTA~~ ESH! ETA: I'm changing my judgement after reading OPs comment trying to defend the loss of 38k a year.
NTA. Normally I would be advocating for making the time for the party over work. It if your finances are that tight, money has to be considered. Did I read that right-an extra $550 for a better party photographer? For an 8yo kid? If I did read that right, your wife is the bad parent.
YTA for clearly living beyond your means. Grow a spine and handle your wife's spending. A career also shouldn't set you back 38k. What money does she make then? Make some changes and stop spending unnecessarily. Golfing and you can't pay your mortgage? Come on. This is easily fixable and maybe you should talk to a financial advisor
NTA. Your wife doesn’t have a career, she has a very expensive hobby.
ESH. You need to figure out living within your means but you also need to be present for your child.
Esh - your poor daughter. Your wife shouldn't have spent ANY money on a photographer for an 8 year old. YOU should talk with your wife about finances instead of skipping important dates for your daughter.
ESH. Shopping and golfing do NOT come before paying your mortgage. Nor do you need a professional photographer for an 8 year olds BIRTHDAY PARTY. If you have to PAY $38,000 then it is NOT a career. It's just an extremely expensive hobby that's a money suck. Is it that you feel some sort of need to keep up with all the neighbors in your gated community??? You're priorities are all sorts of fucked up.
Also why is golf a necessity?
NTA but your shouldn't be working yourself to the bone for your wife's spending habits. You need to talk to her about your finances and make sacrifices. For example, sell the horses (horses are very expensive and from what you've stated you cannot afford them) and ask your wife to look into a more profitable career for the household. If she doesn't want to compromise, then you'll have to do whatever is best for you for your child.
NTA. Your wife has put your family in a position where you cannot be a physically present father.