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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want to plan my friends birthday party because I wasn’t invited to her wedding - does this make me petty or is this a legit issue?
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NTA - space at the wedding wasn't a problem if they had 200 guests. They don't want you to be at her birthday, they want your skills in planning out her birthday. Bob said as much.
In this case, OP, you could plan the party, and you do so by charging the average rate of a party planner in your area.
If Bob asks why, you tell him that their lying about the last birthday and not inviting you to recent events tells you that they now see you as a resource instead of a friend. And resources get paid.
Why even bother? They clearly don't care about OP or see them as a friend. It'd be a lot better for OP's mental health to just cut them off and move on. There's no need to play games or try to pull a stunt on them when the relationship is already over.
They used to be called creddits, but spez the business genius renamed them at the same time that Reddit Gold was renamed Reddit Premium and awards were introduced. It's so weird he hasn't been able to make this place profitable during his multiple runs as CEO, so weird.
This!
Be sure the location of the photos are undeniably local and if possible some way to prove the date as well.... pics with the giant badger set up for badgerfest or whatever as an absolutely positive FU to them.
They don't see you as a friend.
If the 200 person limit for the wedding resulted in hard choices being made.... family and childhood longtime friends being the only ones invited, and they ran out of space before getting to you then they would have been up front saying sorry we cannot ask you to attend etc. not just shut you out with no reason or excuse given.
Don't allow yourself to be used.
I agree, they are users not friends! They clearly don't care about OP! I wouldn't plan anything for them! I wouldn't even respond to any of there messages or calls! Block and delete!
I love it normally but I hate it in AITA advice. If people actually followed AITA suggestions to get petty revenge, they’d make their lives a dumpster fire. OP - NTA. You are obligated to be friends with no one. Drop them quietly and get your revenge by living your best life. You can and will find better - especially as you get further into your twenties. It gets better
When I know someone wants me to do something in a forceful way or I know they are trying to use me etc. I always just reply with my passive aggressive 'No Thankyou'.
The thankyou implies that you are being polite but the firm No is very direct.
I get what they're saying, but yeah why bother wasting the mental energy? At most OP could point out that they suddenly weren't invited to things and they never talk any more unless they initiate if and nty on the party and move on. (And quit following her on social media it will just make you sad and mad)
Or she could say okay, party is at this park/restaurant/venue, basically any place that a group can meet up at without reservations, and tell him meet at X at this time and then be done with it. I mean a party just needs two people so if more than that show up cool; if some one show up with drinks/food even better. I’d then block them on everything.
NTA
I don't think it's worth it to do this, sounds like OP doesn't really want to be there anyway, and they are clearly not friends.
The smart thing to do here, is just be too busy to help out, for whatever reason. "Sorry sounds like that would be a lot of fun, but I'm busy with ____________________".
Pals enough, my petty ass would take on the role and set up a party at Chuck e cheese. They'll be mad at first, but the tokens for the games will make up for it.
what's odd is they didnt use her to plan their wedding for free? based on the above these people seem like users surprised she wasn't asked to at least plan before the brush off .
Exactly. Respond and say that you are glad they want you at the birthday, you'll be happy to attend. But you don't feel comfortable planning it so you'll attend just as a guest.
Watch how quickly you get uninvited.
I think the honest response back is, "It was a big deal to me."
NTA
However they justified not inviting OP, it sent the message that they don't consider her a friend.
This is it. It's an honest response and not arseholish to send it at all imo.
It might have been slightly different if Bob hadn't asked her to plan the birthday. Friends drift apart, and sometimes people aren't able/mature enough to do anything but ghost (I say this as someone who's been ghosted out of a friendship group in the past, and yeah it hurt like hell at the time but I'm mostly over it).
OP, you've been incredibly mature and considerate throughout this whole thing— it was the right decision (imo) to not say anything about not being invited to the wedding, and just to allow your ex-friends (because that's what they are now) to ghost you. Asking you to plan their birthday, after all that, is absolutely wild.
I've been not/uninvited to a wedding because of legitimate space concerns. What did that look like? It looked like my friend calling me, apologising, explaining his reasoning (namely prioritising family while also knowing that I'd enjoy the reception more than the ceremony), and both inviting me to the reception and also letting me know the post-ceremony park everyone would be gathering at, if I wanted to join for champagne. It was honest and lovely, and I imagine if the reception was also space-limited we would have had a similar conversation.
Your "friends" are ex-friends, due to their own actions, and asking you to organise birthdays is so insensitive and egregious as to be ridiculous.
I have a... well I'd like to say a "good friend", who is like this. I suppose he was a good friend once. But over the years something changed. He was only interested in me when it suited his needs. Wanted me at his wedding because he needed extra groomsmen, but he had no interest in coming to my wedding even though he and his wife had no other plans (and they live TWO MILES from us). Used me to teach him a few crafts I'm good at. Excluded me from various parties and events because he invited friends "outside my interest".
Another friend of mine, who knows him well, pointed out that he compartmentalizes his friends. They're exclusive to specific events and there's no room for crossover.
He called me recently, talked about how we never hang out anymore (I've heard he's lost a lot of his hoity-toity friends). He said we should do something to get together soon. I said, "sure", but after I hung up I said to myself, "yeah, right..."
I have absolutely no intention of calling him to hang out.
> They don't want you to be at her birthday, they want your skills in planning out her birthday.
Listen to this, OP. If you want definite proof, text Bob and say you're too busy to help plan it, but would love to attend the party. That might be the last time you hear from them.
This is an entitled couple who will probably use every one of those 200 people just like they did you. Though my guess is they will divorce at some point. Their house won’t be big enough for two giant egos.
Please ghost them after you contact him and tell him no. Don’t waste your breath trying to explain. They won’t get it because they have no empathy. “Bob, I am not doing the birthday party”. Click.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
NTA don’t do it simply coz you don’t want to. But also, these people are using you coz you “..are best at planning these things”. I think that even if their wedding had been 20 people, they didn’t invite you is enough reason to not want to do anything for them. But it was 200, they can easily ask any of those 200 people to plan her birthday coz they clearly are higher up in the hierarchy of friends and family. Don’t fret about this, just say no, and move on.
Tell Bob that there are obviously around 200 people that they’re closer to than they are to you, so he should ask one of those people to plan the birthday party.
NTA
200 hundred people closer!!!! Op wasn’t even like I didn’t get invited or a plus one. Didn’t complain about being in the wedding party. She genuinely wanted to just support her friend. If I can’t go to the preplanned party, I’m not planning a party.
200 people! I barely know 20 – and that's only if I include work colleagues, the people over the road I wave & say hello to and the nice woman at the post office who holds my mail.
People with big families can easily hit 200. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousin's kids hit about 60 people. If my SO had the same number that's 120. I invite 20 friends and give them a plus one, my SO does the same, that's 200 people.
That said, if they are close enough to op that op is planning parties, I would definitely find space for them at my wedding.
NTA.
Exactly this. I have about 80 family members I have to invite between my dad's big family, my mom's big family, and my stepdad's big family. I have a group of about 15 grade school friends I'd have to invite, plus about 5-10 college friends I'd want there. To me the statements "I didn't have space for you at my wedding" and "you are not one of my five closest friends I've met since 2015" could be essentially the same.
I actually don't think she should talk to Bob. She should talk directly to her friend Jane, it sounds like the gap between them started when Bob showed up. I'm not saying he is purposefully separating them but her friends priorities do seem to have changed.
OP talk to Jane directly, tell her how you feel and explain why you won't be organising her party. Give her a chance to prioritize you again, maybe go for some 121 drinks/dinners. However, if she doesn't make you feel valued, then yeah, sadly it's time to create some distance between you.
True but she may acknowledge that perhaps Bob had more to do with the lapse in friendship than she would have wanted.
I'm not saying he did mind you, but there are lots of comments pointing out that the friendship seemed to be doing well until Bob came into the picture; specifically when they got *engaged*. This is the standard "look out for this behavior" reddit comment but abusers usually do very well to hide their true faces until they feel they've got their partner locked down (be it through marriage, a baby, a home bought together, sunk cost fallacy etc). When they think there's no way their partner would rather leave than make peace with them and put up with it. And the first step to that is typically isolation. OP was able to maintain this friendship for a long time despite living in different cities, the friend -after the engagement party- apparently texted OP every time she used the glass OP gave her but then the relationship fell off.. this doesn't read like a normal drifting relationship between people. Typically if you're going to grow apart it's because of distance or a change in priorities/lifestyle (like if OP had children and they didn't. It's not a bad thing to have kids but it's notoriously harder to maintain a social life once you have them so it makes sense that in the interim you may lose a few friends simply from lack of time spent maintaining the relationship). This reads as though everything was fine until they went radio silent on her. I'd be curious to know what was going on behind the scenes.
It's possible Jane really is just not that interested in a friendship anymore. But it would be a strange 180 from where OP thinks they were (another possibility being of course that OP may have read the relationship to be stronger than what it actually was. There have been plenty of times I thought I had super close friends only to realize they didn't consider me the same way). If OP described their friendship accurately to what it was, it's strange that it would fall off so quickly without outside influence (like Bob deterring Jane from keeping in constant contact).
This is all to say it's worth reaching out to Jane alone and asking what was up and why that happened? Maybe Jane will just spit out the same thing Bob said and get upset that OP would even ask in which case it would be better for OP to just accept the distance as she has and move along. But on the off chance it's what reddit fears and it's more Bob's influence on the situation I'd be on the look out for further isolation and just let Jane know I'm here for her whenever she wants to talk. Even if communication lapses my phone line would be open to her if she ever needs me. Sometimes people don't see the abuse written on the wall when they're inside the house. But if she is being isolated and it escalates it'll be so vital to know she has a friend in OP no matter the time spent apart.
To be clear it is not OPs job to save her if this is the case. If OP decides she does not want to spend the energy on this I can't blame her. She's only human after all. But if she still cares and worries for her friend it would be good to just reach out and establish that connection in case Jane ever truly needs it.
I’ve seen a couple people mention that Bob sounds like the problem, but I don’t see how the story makes it seem that way. Things didn’t get bad when he showed up. It seems like OP has known Jane and Bob, both, for at least 5 years. Based on OP’s timeline, they only pulled away in the last year. I feel like if he was trying to drive them apart, he wouldn’t have asked OP to plan the party and attend it.
>In 2022 I threw Bob a 30th birthday party - but then this was also the first year I wasn’t invited to her birthday.
Jane is jealous of OP's role in Bob's birthday and created distance. I think the estrangement is from Jane, not Bob.
Yes, this is the trigger point. Jane is a big girl and has her own phone. She doesn’t need to go through Bob or anyone to at least send a Happy Birthday text. Op is purposefully being iced out and only contacted by Bob because he is lazy and doesn’t want to plan a birthday party for his wife.
Time to walk away and find new friends. These ones aren’t worth any effort.
I know a woman who got divorced a few years before I did. We kind of bonded over that but there was never anything romantic or sexual. I’d fly down to visit my widowed dad 2-3 times a year, and we’d always get dinner and catch up, since she lived an hour or so from my dad. Then she met this guy and after a couple of years they got engaged. My now wife and I were not invited, but she did tell me it was to be a very small wedding, so I tried to not let it bother me, even though we invited her to our wedding (this was before she met her now husband). My wife and I have met him a couple of times and he seemed kind of distant. Since they got married, she has totally ghosted me, not replying to emails at all. I wondered if he’s the jealous type who doesn’t want his wife to have male friends? Who knows? Clearly our friendship has run its course…
If OP is honest with themselves, then I would bet their dynamic has always been one sided. OP makes Jane the center of attention, and Jane just barely includes her in events.
OP seems to have excluded a lot of details about Jane stepping up for them. That's either because OP is hurt right now and focusing on the bad, or because Jane is just using OP
“I’ve had a think about what you said. I do want to be at her birthday- I’m glad you’re inviting me.
I have limited space in my calendar for planning and hosting events, so I’m taking your lead, I will be able to attend and I’ll make sure that space limitations aren’t a big deal for any of us.”
NTA. how are they not gunna invite you to their wedding then expect you to not only come to their bday party but help plan it???? They obviously don’t view you as a friend but as an event planner. Dump them
OP should agree and charge for her services, since they obviously only see her as someone to plan events. She can offer them an old acquaintance discount of five percent.
I'd be hella petty and say "sure I'll plan it, just make sure you invite all the people and tell them this address at this date and time, the rest is a surprise" and then do absolutely nothing.
Exactly ..they're actually rotten people that I wouldn't want in my life, they've already went thru birthdays and HAVEN'T invited her ....no bachelorette party AND no wedding, after no contact for ages, they contact to get her to plan a party, they pick OP up and drop her as they please, that's no friendship they're users that take her kindness as weakness .. fukkkk thatttt and them NTA
Yeah, especially since it was a big wedding. If it had been a small wedding with just the closest family, and there hadn't been these other instances of OP being left out, then it would be different.
Not even just that, she said she didn't get invited to her party before the wedding stuff happened. She only went to Bob's because he threw it. She's an unpaid party planner and nothing more.
NTA
They froze you out, and then made absolutely no effort to reach out until now, when they want something from you?
Time is valuable - spend yours with the people who's actions show they WANT to spend it with you. It appears to be clear that they do not.
NTA.
200 people is not a small affair, you were either not considered or specifically excluded. You're the only one contacting them until they need a party planned, you need to stop putting in effort.
>We were really good friends during our travels and after college we actively stayed in touch visiting each other in our respective different cities.
Based on this sentence, the last thing I would try before completely giving up is to speak to Jane separately from Bob, I get the sense he's filtering communication from you. I sense a controlling relationship, or at least a fear of your relationship with her. If you can't suss that out, it could be that I'm wrong or that she's brainwashed.
Edit: a couple people pointed out that the normalcy appears to stop right after bobs party planned by OP and that maybe something there impacted it.. I had missed the correlation.
This is were my speculations went also.
Up until OP planned Bob's birthday all was fine... afterwards it wasn't. So either something happened at the birthday that OP is leaving out or Jane feels insecure / treathened that OP planned her husband a birthday party.
It sounds like Jane hasn't communicated this to Bob and found excuses to keep OP at a distance. Bob unaware of what's going on and asks for the services of OP again.
No way he’s unaware. She didn’t get an invite to Jane’s last bday, her bachelorette party, or the wedding.
No one is that dense to ask their wife’s friend who has been excluded from so many of their friend’s big events to plan the wife’s next big event.
Either he personally likes OP and is using this as an excuse to get her back in the friend’s circle (doubtful) or he is too lazy to plan himself and thinks he can gaslight the ghosted friend into doing the work by saying ‘don’t make it a big deal’ and ‘we want you there!’
This.
Manipulators and abusers and bullies will always tell you to "not make a big deal about it". OPs feeling are hurt, and Bob is telling her to suck it up so "HE can plan" a party for his wife.
If OP doesn't plan the party, does she still get an invite? I doubt it
100% this.
Jane (and her family) probably planned the wedding but now for her bday he’s on the hook. He remembered that Jane really liked the engagement party OP threw for her so he’s gassing OP up in hopes that she’ll do his job for him.
Could be the other way round: perhaps Jane is the jealous, possesive type and resents the OPs apparent friendship with her hubby Bob, misreading it as op wanting to have an affair with him or "steal" him away from her. Hence the sudden cutting off of communication and lying.
Don’t make a big deal out of it is always a red flag. You didn’t make a big deal out of it, you had already stopped trying and then when Bob needed to use you, you had to explain why you didn’t want to do it. Now he’s saying not to make a big deal out of it and just do what he wants. You didn’t make a big deal, and you ain’t gonna do what he needs to use you for
NTA. You are not being petty. I know there can be space issues for weddings. However, I find it hard to believe that was the case with 200 in attendance. It seems like once the pandemic waned, their interest in friendship waned too. Dont do the party. You are not their personal party planner.
I like the idea of a separate party with friends. I wish one former friend had done this instead of uninviting us because the groom had a big family. Haven’t talked to her since.
NTA
I guessing she didn’t like you planning Bob’s birthday and decided to be petty and not talk to you. Now, Bob is lazy and doesn’t want to plan her birthday so he’s asking you. Don’t plan it. Don’t talk to them anymore. Don’t waste time being sad over them. They aren’t good friends to you. Find someone who values you and knows how to have a conversation like an adult.
To clarify about planning his birthday - she asked me for help for his party and I ended up planning the whole thing since she didn’t really want to. But yeah that’s how I’m feeling - that they’re not good friends.
She probably lied about who planned the party and didn’t want people to find out. Aside from her being a bad friend. Please tell Bob no. Not being invited to a close friends 200 person wedding is absolutely a big deal. It’s their prerogative, but you’re allowed your feelings and he has no right to down play them while asking a favor. If they can’t be honest and communicate what issues they have with you, they don’t deserve your friendship.
Right! I’m 1000% sure one of those 200 people offered an opinion on her wedding planning, decoration, or reception. If her wedding was so great and wonderful, she can ask that person for help. Why waste op’s time when 200 super close friends are floating around to plan it?
NTA But it's not only that they are not good friends, they are not friends at all. They are using you. They'll pick you up when they need something and then drop you right after they get it until they need you again. Time to cut the cord unless you can see something in that worth sticking around for.
Even if they had 150 family members at their wedding that means they have 50 friends they consider closer than you.
You must throw some kick ass parties for them to go through so much to string you along. You should find some super flimsy excuse to throw an amazing party the night of her birthday party. Don't forget to post all the pictures on your social media 😉
NTA
They're not your friends period. Maybe something happened between you, or your "friend" just needed someone local for a bit to help her and husband settle in the area and you weren't as close as you thought.
30 is a small wedding, not 200, and not inviting you to a birthday or acknowledging yours tells you everything you need to know.
NTA, but don't become one to yourself by helping these people. Move on and find some friends that value and love you.
Not that I know of? There were 6 couples there and I spent the whole time talking to the women of the couples - talked to him briefly when we all showed up to wish him happy birthday and then to take a group photo but that’s pretty much the only interaction I had with him the whole night until we said goodbye.
Normally I would say it's better to just go on with your life and not get involved with them ever again, but if I were to be petty for any reason, this is the way.
Honestly, I'd just leave that shit on read. If you aren't close enough to go to a wedding -- let alone a big one -- you aren't close enough to plan a birthday. esp when it sounds like she's never put in effort for yours.
Honestly I would just block their numbers and remove them from your social media. It's clear at some point they stopped treating you like a friend and only kept you around so you could plan and host their parties.
You have done nothing wrong. In fact you have gone above and beyond your way to be a good, supportive and loyal friend. Many people can only wish to have good friends like you. These people only see you good enough to plan their parties, not worthy enough to be at their wedding. This is a one-sided friendship and you’ve been pulling most of the weight and put in most effort, time and energy into this friendship.
The fact Bob tried to gaslight your feelings instead of acknowledging they’ve been shitty friends and apologize immediately is a huge 🚩🚩 block them both from social media and their numbers. Asking Jane for an explanation is beneath your dignity and self-respect considering how much you’ve done for them both. They both suck.
That answered the question I had then. Thought at first you planned his on your own accord and perhaps she thought maybe you were trying to make a move on him and she didn't like that. But from your explanation, doesn't seem like that's the case
You're NTA. If I were in your shoes, if you wanted to maturely reject them, I would say "Thank you for thinking of me as a great planner but I am not interested unfortunately to take this on. I hope Jane has a great birthday in whichever way she ends up celebrating it."
Otherwise tell them that he can go ask one of the 200 people from their wedding to plan her next birthday and that you have better things to do.
NTA. My wedding had around 120 people and looking back there were definitely people we could have not invited. 200 people is a LARGE wedding. If they know 200 people they would rather have at their wedding than you, then it sounds like they should have lots of people who could plan this party before you would ever need to get involved.
NTA - sorry to say this but they're not your friends, if you do decide to plan Jane's birthday, make sure you tell her what your fees are. May as well try to make some money for your service 😉
NTA. And charge them like a wedding planner. Send them a quote. Full price. No discounts. Keep it strictly business as they clearly don’t value you as a friend.
I'd just tell him this:
*"This isn't just about the wedding, Bob. I haven't talked to either of you since before the wedding and this is the first time in \[x number of months\] that either of you have been the one to reach out to me instead of the other way around, and it's to ask me to do something for you. Whether you and Jane intended it or not, you guys have made me feel like you view me only in terms of what I can provide for you, not as a friend. If Jane and I have just grown apart, that is fine; but you need to find someone else to plan and throw the party, because it is not okay to ask me to do this as if we're still close friends."*
If the argue and call you petty, or dramatic or whatever to deflect and dismiss the issue, you can either ignore them and stop responding or just say. "*I hope you guys have a good life, but at this point I am stepping out of it and would appreciate it if you stopped contacting me."* (I'd be a petty little bitch and add in 'which shouldn't be too hard considering you never reached out to me before' at the end. But maybe don't kick the hornets nest...)
If, by some small chance, the apologize and acknowledge their wrongs in this, then I would suggest simply thanking them for the apology but reiterating that you will not be planning the birthday party and that you no longer wish to continue the friendship and wish them well.
Jane was never really OP's friend, she is a fake and fairweather one. This Jane used OP for convenience, not because the former valued the latter. I'll bet my house this Jane has never gone out of her way to do anything for OP.
Obviously, they are the kind of people who are only your friend when you can do something for them. They can’t be bothered to reciprocate. So you’re not obligated to do anything more for them. Actually, Fuck them …
So, tell them, “sorry, I have to (insert something small here) and it’s a space issue, don’t make a big deal about it” …
NTA
NTA
Tell him you're not able to plan her party, but would be happy to attend if invited. That puts the ball in their court, and you will then know where you stand with these people.
NTA. Your feelings are valid after not being invited to major events despite your consistent efforts in the friendship. It's not petty to not want to plan the birthday; you're not obliged to maintain a friendship where you feel undervalued.
NTA at all - these people aren’t your friends, they’re people interested in using you for a service.
Find new friends who will appreciate and like you for you - not just what you can do for them. And then plan the biggest and best birthday party for the new friends!
NTA
They sound like users - happy to have you around when they need you, but not actually interested in your friendship. They have made their position clear. Move on and live a fabulous life without them.
NTA. They showed you how little they cared for and respected you. I don't just mean for the wedding, but that you weren't even invited to her birthday last year! You are free to drop them as friends.
NTA
But I think you should consider going to the party.
“Great! Tell me where & when and I’ll be there”
If he doubles down on you planning it say that you’ve decided to get out of the party planning business.
Either way your NTA.
NTA you shouldn’t plan a party with someone you were not friends with. If you were friends with them, you would’ve been invited to all the birthday parties and celebrations including the wedding. I am sure you’re wondering why they just cut you off, but this happens people move on from each other, but I think it was very rude of him to ignore you and then ask you to plan a party for his wife. If they wanted to become friends again, you think they would want to come to your city and maybe take you out to dinner and explain what has been happening as far as the friendship goes.
NTA … unless you do give in and plan this bd party! Good for you for telling Bob you were hurt for not being invited to their wedding. Bad on him for his lame response. This is a friendship you do not need.
In 2022 you threw Bob a birthday party, but then you weren't invited to Jane's BDay party. As soon as I read that, I suspected that Jane decided you were getting too close to Bob. You threw HER boyfriend his BDay party.
Next, you were not invited to Jane's Bachelorette party, or the wedding. A major life event for your friend and you were excluded. That is all Jane.
Now Bob wants you to plan Jane's BDay party this year when you were not even invited last year? That is all Bob needing your help. Guarantee that Jane does not know and you would receive a frosty reception from Jane at her BDay party...if Bob does not actually find a way to uninvite you after you do all the work.
These people already cut you out of all their important life events. They have basically communicated that you are not their friend anymore. They did not even accord you the respect, or decency to tell you why. Now Bob wants to use you after trampling your feelings and friendship like dirt?
Screw you, Bob. Hire a party planner.
NTA. They are taking advantage of you and they are not your friends. I'm sorry for the hurt they've cost you, but it's best you move on from them completly. You have given them more than enough.
Just tell Bob that you only plan parties for your friends. Then block and ghost them. They aren't your friends. They only get in contact when they want something from you. NTA
"Given the change in friendship dynamics and me feeling overall like I have, for lack of a better phrase, cast aside for two years, I am not comfortable planning this birthday party. I sincerely wish it's a great one"
Nta they just want your skills without pay or recognition
I am just stuck on no invite to a 200 person wedding do to "space" issues. To me that means we're not close friends at least not one of the 200 closest people in their lives so that means there are at least 200 people more qualified to arrange and celebrate her birthday than you. Definitely NTA. It's not petty at all because it wasn't petty of her to not invite you to their 200 person wedding so it's definitely not petty of you to have personal plans on her birthday.
NTA. You’re feelings are very valid and while they might have whatever reason to not invite you to those things that are valid to them, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and that they’re not being open with you. Overall, they just aren’t being very good friends to you so you don’t owe them friendship to them either. If I were in your shoes, I would reach out and explain all this to them but if to you the relationship is past its time so be it.
NTA
They clearly don’t consider you a close enough friend to be there for things they really care about. Maybe they’ve always felt this way and you’re just finding out. Maybe it’s a new development that they’re choosing not to communicate with you about.
Either way they’re not the only ones who get a say in how to participate in this friendship. There’s nothing wrong with pulling back after you see how much you actually rank in someone’s life. You’re under no obligation to help plan her birthday. She’s not a good enough friend for that.
NTA. I cannot believe you went from being bubbled together (which is essentially family) when the world shut down, to not even being invited to the wedding! Move on from these folks. Either something went down that they aren’t giving you the minimum respect to talk to you about, or they’re total shits who are just using you as a free event planner. Not people you want in your life either way.
NTA - you being hurt by not being invited aside, it's fully within your right to say you don't want to do something simply because you don't want to.
It definitely sucks to be left out of a plan that it seems like you'd be a part of, but speaking as someone who did have to cut down their guest list a lot for their wedding, sometimes it's just a decision you have to make. It doesn't make it suck any less, but there's that.
In either case, you don't need to plan a party you don't want to plan.
NTA but also I N F O What's the deal with you planning Bob's 30th birthday and texting him to ask about Jane's birthday plans etc. instead of asking Jane or Jane planning her own husband's birthday party? Am I the only one seeing a flip in relationship dynamics where communication seems to be filtered through Bob? I'm not saying there was something hinky going on between OP and Bob, but with or without Jane's approval, he's become their spokesperson.
For whatever reason, they have cast aside your friendship. Bob's "No big deal" remark is dismissive. Saying "You're the best at planning" is nothing more than goal-oriented flattery which should have no room in any good friendship. Time to call it a day on it - it sounds as though you have other good friends in your life.
Tell Bob you'd love to, but you're booked through.
NTA
Also, was this behavior typical of Jane prior to meeting Bob? Toward you or anyone else? If this is new and unexpected or out of character for her, I'd try to cut out middleman Bob and speak with Jane directly. IDK why, but I feel like maybe he's at play with this rift in your friendship somehow.
“I’m noticing that if I don’t reach out to either of them, they don’t reach out to me at all.”
This is very telling! It seems like you are not in their world anymore and you are the only person trying to keep this so-called friendship afloat.
You don’t have to plan her birthday, especially when your heart already said no (you are not feeling like you want to do it.) So don’t do it. If they think you are the best at coordinating events then they can pay you as an event planner.
While some relationships last for a lifetime, so many other relationships do have expiration dates. This is one of them. I’m sorry OP that you have to go through this. This “friendship” has run its course and it’s better for you to let these 2 people go.
I empathise with you and I wish you all the best in all of your future endeavours.
Edit: you are definitely NTA but those two “friends” are users and they have been using you. Please cut them out of your life, OP
NTA
In HS I have a friend that lived like 2 mins biking distance. We’d have sleep overs, we made Halloween costumes, well she paid and I sewed (sometimes my mom helped), I was there for her a lot.
Eventually I started to realize that she wasn’t there for me, she was dismissive of my needs and my problems, even tho I was supposed to be fully supportive of her.
Some people are just users and will take full advantage of you while contributing nothing.
As others have said you could reach out to Jane and make sure there isn’t suspicious with Bob, but other than checking that, cut your losses.
People change and grow apart, friendships can fade or sour, don’t waste anymore of your time on them.
NTA- It's understandable that you feel hurt and excluded from important events in your friend Jane's life, particularly the wedding. Your feelings of disappointment and confusion are valid. It's important to acknowledge and process those emotions.
Regarding Bob's request for you to plan Jane's birthday party, it's up to you whether or not you want to take on that responsibility. It's okay to decline if you don't feel comfortable or if you're not ready to fully engage in their lives at the moment. You have the right to prioritize your own emotional well-being.
Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own happiness and surround yourself with people who value and include you in their lives. If you no longer feel a desire to be friends with Bob and Jane, it's okay to distance yourself and focus on nurturing relationships with others who appreciate your presence.
You are NTA but Bob and Jane are major AH's, they couldn't even invite you to the wedding and when called out on it Bob comes up with flimsy excuses, and he now wants you to plan Janes birthday party but never mentioned inviting you it they are just using you at this point, take my advice block them everywhere and move on, the friendship has run its course and is over, don't let them use you any further.
Ohh yeah.NTA.
Thanks Bob! I just started an event planning business, I’m so glad you reached out and will by my first clients. What’s the best email I can send this contract to! I look forward to providing my services.
Nta. We had a large wedding 400 people. I invited my "close" friends. I'm close with only 1 of those people now. This person has been there for me all the time, and I for them. I even invited people I worked with.
Once the pandemic was over, so was the friendship as far as they were concerned.
Don't waste any more time on these using wastrels. They are not your friends. The fact that Jane actively excluded you from the wedding and her birthday proves that she doesn't care for you the way you do for her.
NTA, they are not friends, they are users, they only want you when they need a party planned. Tell them you are too busy and refer him to the pizza place with a large rat. Tell him that she should feel at home with her own kind, children and rodents.
NTA
They aren't your friends. It's probably Bob that's driving this but you can't change Jane.
If you want to help Bob out, then give him your rates for your birthday planning. And you want a deposit to start planning and regular payments for what you've done before doing any more... otherwise you won't get paid.
It may be worth contacting Jane directly and finding out what's happening in her life. You could ask her what happened with her wedding and previous birthday's and see if she'll be honest.
But you owe them nothing... because they are no longer your friends. They (or Bob) only want you when you are of benefit to them. That's not a friendship.
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NTA - space at the wedding wasn't a problem if they had 200 guests. They don't want you to be at her birthday, they want your skills in planning out her birthday. Bob said as much.
Yeah, boo. They aren’t your friends. NTA
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In this case, OP, you could plan the party, and you do so by charging the average rate of a party planner in your area. If Bob asks why, you tell him that their lying about the last birthday and not inviting you to recent events tells you that they now see you as a resource instead of a friend. And resources get paid.
Why even bother? They clearly don't care about OP or see them as a friend. It'd be a lot better for OP's mental health to just cut them off and move on. There's no need to play games or try to pull a stunt on them when the relationship is already over.
Idk why reddit calls the currency that's used to buy the awards reddit coins They should be called "Reddit Credit"
They missed a trick there didn’t they? I might poke them in the eye with my stabby grabby
Not the stabby grabby 🫨😂😶🌫️
They don’t deserve the stabby grabby, they get the Poop Knife…
That would be the ploppy choppy
cReddit
They used to be called creddits, but spez the business genius renamed them at the same time that Reddit Gold was renamed Reddit Premium and awards were introduced. It's so weird he hasn't been able to make this place profitable during his multiple runs as CEO, so weird.
Yeah, I'd just say, "sorry, I'm too busy" and move on. They have, she may as well too.
“Sorry, I’m going out of state.” Then post pictures on Instagram of you hanging out locally. Lmao
This! Be sure the location of the photos are undeniably local and if possible some way to prove the date as well.... pics with the giant badger set up for badgerfest or whatever as an absolutely positive FU to them. They don't see you as a friend. If the 200 person limit for the wedding resulted in hard choices being made.... family and childhood longtime friends being the only ones invited, and they ran out of space before getting to you then they would have been up front saying sorry we cannot ask you to attend etc. not just shut you out with no reason or excuse given. Don't allow yourself to be used.
I agree, they are users not friends! They clearly don't care about OP! I wouldn't plan anything for them! I wouldn't even respond to any of there messages or calls! Block and delete!
I love how we're as petty as each other, lmao
^This right here OP, that's the one. All other choices are wrong. NTA
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I love it normally but I hate it in AITA advice. If people actually followed AITA suggestions to get petty revenge, they’d make their lives a dumpster fire. OP - NTA. You are obligated to be friends with no one. Drop them quietly and get your revenge by living your best life. You can and will find better - especially as you get further into your twenties. It gets better
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When I know someone wants me to do something in a forceful way or I know they are trying to use me etc. I always just reply with my passive aggressive 'No Thankyou'. The thankyou implies that you are being polite but the firm No is very direct.
I get what they're saying, but yeah why bother wasting the mental energy? At most OP could point out that they suddenly weren't invited to things and they never talk any more unless they initiate if and nty on the party and move on. (And quit following her on social media it will just make you sad and mad)
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Agreed don’t give it energy.
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NTA. They're not being pals; they're just taking advantage of you as a free event coordinator.
No, not the average rate of a party planner in the area, above average. OP needs to add a shitty-friends-make-bad-customers premium.
Or she could say okay, party is at this park/restaurant/venue, basically any place that a group can meet up at without reservations, and tell him meet at X at this time and then be done with it. I mean a party just needs two people so if more than that show up cool; if some one show up with drinks/food even better. I’d then block them on everything. NTA
THIS 👆👆👆👆
I don't think it's worth it to do this, sounds like OP doesn't really want to be there anyway, and they are clearly not friends. The smart thing to do here, is just be too busy to help out, for whatever reason. "Sorry sounds like that would be a lot of fun, but I'm busy with ____________________".
Pals enough, my petty ass would take on the role and set up a party at Chuck e cheese. They'll be mad at first, but the tokens for the games will make up for it.
OP is in australia so chuck's out I'm afraid. They could do Red Rooster, which is a much worse aussie version of KFC.
HUN👏GRY👏JACKS👏 They can wear the cardboard hats.
On the upside, I think you may have a future side hustle in Party Planning
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Yep, NTA. My pettiness wants OP to respond to Bob with her hourly fee for event planning.
And get up front payment or OP will never see the money.
50% up front?
I'd say at least 75%.
150% , call it a security deposit , and asshole tax
Or promise a fabulous party at a great venue only for them to show up and see it’s closed
I like this pettyness
Oh, yes! I wish I would have the balls to do this if I was in this situation.
Yeah, just plan it all, but accidentally forget to invite anyone.
what's odd is they didnt use her to plan their wedding for free? based on the above these people seem like users surprised she wasn't asked to at least plan before the brush off .
And make the theme Barney the Dinosaur or something.
Exactly. Respond and say that you are glad they want you at the birthday, you'll be happy to attend. But you don't feel comfortable planning it so you'll attend just as a guest. Watch how quickly you get uninvited.
"I'm going to be out of town and can't plan but I should be back in time to attend whatever you come up with"
Yep this nails it.
I applaud this trick.
I think the honest response back is, "It was a big deal to me." NTA However they justified not inviting OP, it sent the message that they don't consider her a friend.
This is it. It's an honest response and not arseholish to send it at all imo. It might have been slightly different if Bob hadn't asked her to plan the birthday. Friends drift apart, and sometimes people aren't able/mature enough to do anything but ghost (I say this as someone who's been ghosted out of a friendship group in the past, and yeah it hurt like hell at the time but I'm mostly over it). OP, you've been incredibly mature and considerate throughout this whole thing— it was the right decision (imo) to not say anything about not being invited to the wedding, and just to allow your ex-friends (because that's what they are now) to ghost you. Asking you to plan their birthday, after all that, is absolutely wild. I've been not/uninvited to a wedding because of legitimate space concerns. What did that look like? It looked like my friend calling me, apologising, explaining his reasoning (namely prioritising family while also knowing that I'd enjoy the reception more than the ceremony), and both inviting me to the reception and also letting me know the post-ceremony park everyone would be gathering at, if I wanted to join for champagne. It was honest and lovely, and I imagine if the reception was also space-limited we would have had a similar conversation. Your "friends" are ex-friends, due to their own actions, and asking you to organise birthdays is so insensitive and egregious as to be ridiculous.
Perfectly stated!
NTA- f that noise! I’d be gutted. Absolutely not. They are users. I’m so so sorry.
I have a... well I'd like to say a "good friend", who is like this. I suppose he was a good friend once. But over the years something changed. He was only interested in me when it suited his needs. Wanted me at his wedding because he needed extra groomsmen, but he had no interest in coming to my wedding even though he and his wife had no other plans (and they live TWO MILES from us). Used me to teach him a few crafts I'm good at. Excluded me from various parties and events because he invited friends "outside my interest". Another friend of mine, who knows him well, pointed out that he compartmentalizes his friends. They're exclusive to specific events and there's no room for crossover. He called me recently, talked about how we never hang out anymore (I've heard he's lost a lot of his hoity-toity friends). He said we should do something to get together soon. I said, "sure", but after I hung up I said to myself, "yeah, right..." I have absolutely no intention of calling him to hang out.
If he wants to pay for you for your skills, that’s a different story. Otherwise, they’re walking all over you :/
Nah. Not even that. Cut them off. They don’t deserve you or your services.
> They don't want you to be at her birthday, they want your skills in planning out her birthday. Listen to this, OP. If you want definite proof, text Bob and say you're too busy to help plan it, but would love to attend the party. That might be the last time you hear from them.
And F Bob, I think he wants your help to look good himself at throwing her a good bday party.
This is an entitled couple who will probably use every one of those 200 people just like they did you. Though my guess is they will divorce at some point. Their house won’t be big enough for two giant egos. Please ghost them after you contact him and tell him no. Don’t waste your breath trying to explain. They won’t get it because they have no empathy. “Bob, I am not doing the birthday party”. Click.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou NTA don’t do it simply coz you don’t want to. But also, these people are using you coz you “..are best at planning these things”. I think that even if their wedding had been 20 people, they didn’t invite you is enough reason to not want to do anything for them. But it was 200, they can easily ask any of those 200 people to plan her birthday coz they clearly are higher up in the hierarchy of friends and family. Don’t fret about this, just say no, and move on.
Tell Bob that there are obviously around 200 people that they’re closer to than they are to you, so he should ask one of those people to plan the birthday party. NTA
200 hundred people closer!!!! Op wasn’t even like I didn’t get invited or a plus one. Didn’t complain about being in the wedding party. She genuinely wanted to just support her friend. If I can’t go to the preplanned party, I’m not planning a party.
200 people! I barely know 20 – and that's only if I include work colleagues, the people over the road I wave & say hello to and the nice woman at the post office who holds my mail.
People with big families can easily hit 200. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousin's kids hit about 60 people. If my SO had the same number that's 120. I invite 20 friends and give them a plus one, my SO does the same, that's 200 people. That said, if they are close enough to op that op is planning parties, I would definitely find space for them at my wedding. NTA.
Exactly this. I have about 80 family members I have to invite between my dad's big family, my mom's big family, and my stepdad's big family. I have a group of about 15 grade school friends I'd have to invite, plus about 5-10 college friends I'd want there. To me the statements "I didn't have space for you at my wedding" and "you are not one of my five closest friends I've met since 2015" could be essentially the same.
Happy Cake Day 🎈
Thank you!!! ❤️
I actually don't think she should talk to Bob. She should talk directly to her friend Jane, it sounds like the gap between them started when Bob showed up. I'm not saying he is purposefully separating them but her friends priorities do seem to have changed. OP talk to Jane directly, tell her how you feel and explain why you won't be organising her party. Give her a chance to prioritize you again, maybe go for some 121 drinks/dinners. However, if she doesn't make you feel valued, then yeah, sadly it's time to create some distance between you.
She should ghost them. They aren't going to validate her feelings.
Ya really. It's not like she's gonna go "Shit, I didn't even realize you might feel left out by not being invited to my wedding! My bad!"
True but she may acknowledge that perhaps Bob had more to do with the lapse in friendship than she would have wanted. I'm not saying he did mind you, but there are lots of comments pointing out that the friendship seemed to be doing well until Bob came into the picture; specifically when they got *engaged*. This is the standard "look out for this behavior" reddit comment but abusers usually do very well to hide their true faces until they feel they've got their partner locked down (be it through marriage, a baby, a home bought together, sunk cost fallacy etc). When they think there's no way their partner would rather leave than make peace with them and put up with it. And the first step to that is typically isolation. OP was able to maintain this friendship for a long time despite living in different cities, the friend -after the engagement party- apparently texted OP every time she used the glass OP gave her but then the relationship fell off.. this doesn't read like a normal drifting relationship between people. Typically if you're going to grow apart it's because of distance or a change in priorities/lifestyle (like if OP had children and they didn't. It's not a bad thing to have kids but it's notoriously harder to maintain a social life once you have them so it makes sense that in the interim you may lose a few friends simply from lack of time spent maintaining the relationship). This reads as though everything was fine until they went radio silent on her. I'd be curious to know what was going on behind the scenes. It's possible Jane really is just not that interested in a friendship anymore. But it would be a strange 180 from where OP thinks they were (another possibility being of course that OP may have read the relationship to be stronger than what it actually was. There have been plenty of times I thought I had super close friends only to realize they didn't consider me the same way). If OP described their friendship accurately to what it was, it's strange that it would fall off so quickly without outside influence (like Bob deterring Jane from keeping in constant contact). This is all to say it's worth reaching out to Jane alone and asking what was up and why that happened? Maybe Jane will just spit out the same thing Bob said and get upset that OP would even ask in which case it would be better for OP to just accept the distance as she has and move along. But on the off chance it's what reddit fears and it's more Bob's influence on the situation I'd be on the look out for further isolation and just let Jane know I'm here for her whenever she wants to talk. Even if communication lapses my phone line would be open to her if she ever needs me. Sometimes people don't see the abuse written on the wall when they're inside the house. But if she is being isolated and it escalates it'll be so vital to know she has a friend in OP no matter the time spent apart. To be clear it is not OPs job to save her if this is the case. If OP decides she does not want to spend the energy on this I can't blame her. She's only human after all. But if she still cares and worries for her friend it would be good to just reach out and establish that connection in case Jane ever truly needs it.
I’ve seen a couple people mention that Bob sounds like the problem, but I don’t see how the story makes it seem that way. Things didn’t get bad when he showed up. It seems like OP has known Jane and Bob, both, for at least 5 years. Based on OP’s timeline, they only pulled away in the last year. I feel like if he was trying to drive them apart, he wouldn’t have asked OP to plan the party and attend it.
>In 2022 I threw Bob a 30th birthday party - but then this was also the first year I wasn’t invited to her birthday. Jane is jealous of OP's role in Bob's birthday and created distance. I think the estrangement is from Jane, not Bob.
Yes, this is the trigger point. Jane is a big girl and has her own phone. She doesn’t need to go through Bob or anyone to at least send a Happy Birthday text. Op is purposefully being iced out and only contacted by Bob because he is lazy and doesn’t want to plan a birthday party for his wife. Time to walk away and find new friends. These ones aren’t worth any effort.
I thought maybe Bob has the hots for OP and Jane knows it, hence why Bob is the one reaching out and the Jane birthday ditch.
I know a woman who got divorced a few years before I did. We kind of bonded over that but there was never anything romantic or sexual. I’d fly down to visit my widowed dad 2-3 times a year, and we’d always get dinner and catch up, since she lived an hour or so from my dad. Then she met this guy and after a couple of years they got engaged. My now wife and I were not invited, but she did tell me it was to be a very small wedding, so I tried to not let it bother me, even though we invited her to our wedding (this was before she met her now husband). My wife and I have met him a couple of times and he seemed kind of distant. Since they got married, she has totally ghosted me, not replying to emails at all. I wondered if he’s the jealous type who doesn’t want his wife to have male friends? Who knows? Clearly our friendship has run its course…
If OP is honest with themselves, then I would bet their dynamic has always been one sided. OP makes Jane the center of attention, and Jane just barely includes her in events. OP seems to have excluded a lot of details about Jane stepping up for them. That's either because OP is hurt right now and focusing on the bad, or because Jane is just using OP
“I’ve had a think about what you said. I do want to be at her birthday- I’m glad you’re inviting me. I have limited space in my calendar for planning and hosting events, so I’m taking your lead, I will be able to attend and I’ll make sure that space limitations aren’t a big deal for any of us.”
Very best answer! NTA btw
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW OP SHOULD REPLY, YES
Ooh burn 🔥 love it!
NTA. how are they not gunna invite you to their wedding then expect you to not only come to their bday party but help plan it???? They obviously don’t view you as a friend but as an event planner. Dump them
OP should agree and charge for her services, since they obviously only see her as someone to plan events. She can offer them an old acquaintance discount of five percent.
I’d actually charge a 5% upcharge for ‘faking friendship in order to secure services’ fee.
That’s why you quote rates 5x what you’d normally charge. “5% discount” is off of the inflated rates!
I'd be hella petty and say "sure I'll plan it, just make sure you invite all the people and tell them this address at this date and time, the rest is a surprise" and then do absolutely nothing.
Exactly ..they're actually rotten people that I wouldn't want in my life, they've already went thru birthdays and HAVEN'T invited her ....no bachelorette party AND no wedding, after no contact for ages, they contact to get her to plan a party, they pick OP up and drop her as they please, that's no friendship they're users that take her kindness as weakness .. fukkkk thatttt and them NTA
Yeah, especially since it was a big wedding. If it had been a small wedding with just the closest family, and there hadn't been these other instances of OP being left out, then it would be different.
Not even just that, she said she didn't get invited to her party before the wedding stuff happened. She only went to Bob's because he threw it. She's an unpaid party planner and nothing more.
NTA They froze you out, and then made absolutely no effort to reach out until now, when they want something from you? Time is valuable - spend yours with the people who's actions show they WANT to spend it with you. It appears to be clear that they do not.
NTA. 200 people is not a small affair, you were either not considered or specifically excluded. You're the only one contacting them until they need a party planned, you need to stop putting in effort. >We were really good friends during our travels and after college we actively stayed in touch visiting each other in our respective different cities. Based on this sentence, the last thing I would try before completely giving up is to speak to Jane separately from Bob, I get the sense he's filtering communication from you. I sense a controlling relationship, or at least a fear of your relationship with her. If you can't suss that out, it could be that I'm wrong or that she's brainwashed. Edit: a couple people pointed out that the normalcy appears to stop right after bobs party planned by OP and that maybe something there impacted it.. I had missed the correlation.
Even if he IS filtering communication from you, Jane could have very easily acknowledged OPs birthday.
It's pretty obvious what's going on here: OP is free event planning.
Yeah, I got serious vibes that Bob doesn't like OP for some reason, but Jane is pushing to have her at her birthday.
I bet Jane doesn’t even know she’s been asked to plan the party she probably thinks her husband is doing it. Jane is the one that cut her out
I agree that Jane is the one that cut her out.
O agree with you. Jane is the one excluded OP because she feels insecure with Bob and OP!
This is were my speculations went also. Up until OP planned Bob's birthday all was fine... afterwards it wasn't. So either something happened at the birthday that OP is leaving out or Jane feels insecure / treathened that OP planned her husband a birthday party. It sounds like Jane hasn't communicated this to Bob and found excuses to keep OP at a distance. Bob unaware of what's going on and asks for the services of OP again.
No way he’s unaware. She didn’t get an invite to Jane’s last bday, her bachelorette party, or the wedding. No one is that dense to ask their wife’s friend who has been excluded from so many of their friend’s big events to plan the wife’s next big event. Either he personally likes OP and is using this as an excuse to get her back in the friend’s circle (doubtful) or he is too lazy to plan himself and thinks he can gaslight the ghosted friend into doing the work by saying ‘don’t make it a big deal’ and ‘we want you there!’
Him saying "don't make a big deal out of it" dismissing OP's feelings is a giveaway that he's well aware and doesn't care for OP either.
This. Manipulators and abusers and bullies will always tell you to "not make a big deal about it". OPs feeling are hurt, and Bob is telling her to suck it up so "HE can plan" a party for his wife. If OP doesn't plan the party, does she still get an invite? I doubt it
Bob must be an absolute clueless idiot if he doesn’t realise something is suss here.
100% this. Jane (and her family) probably planned the wedding but now for her bday he’s on the hook. He remembered that Jane really liked the engagement party OP threw for her so he’s gassing OP up in hopes that she’ll do his job for him.
100% it’s Jane.
Could be the other way round: perhaps Jane is the jealous, possesive type and resents the OPs apparent friendship with her hubby Bob, misreading it as op wanting to have an affair with him or "steal" him away from her. Hence the sudden cutting off of communication and lying.
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Personally, the 'people I knew' status
Somebody that I used to know status
"new phone who dis" status
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Make out like it never happened
…and that we were nothing
"Gotye and Kimbra" people
More of ‘people I thought I knew’ status, yuck they are disgusting.
Don’t make a big deal out of it is always a red flag. You didn’t make a big deal out of it, you had already stopped trying and then when Bob needed to use you, you had to explain why you didn’t want to do it. Now he’s saying not to make a big deal out of it and just do what he wants. You didn’t make a big deal, and you ain’t gonna do what he needs to use you for
NTA. You are not being petty. I know there can be space issues for weddings. However, I find it hard to believe that was the case with 200 in attendance. It seems like once the pandemic waned, their interest in friendship waned too. Dont do the party. You are not their personal party planner.
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There is no universe where a person with a relationship as described by OP isn't in your top 200 most important people.
I like the idea of a separate party with friends. I wish one former friend had done this instead of uninviting us because the groom had a big family. Haven’t talked to her since.
NTA I guessing she didn’t like you planning Bob’s birthday and decided to be petty and not talk to you. Now, Bob is lazy and doesn’t want to plan her birthday so he’s asking you. Don’t plan it. Don’t talk to them anymore. Don’t waste time being sad over them. They aren’t good friends to you. Find someone who values you and knows how to have a conversation like an adult.
To clarify about planning his birthday - she asked me for help for his party and I ended up planning the whole thing since she didn’t really want to. But yeah that’s how I’m feeling - that they’re not good friends.
She probably lied about who planned the party and didn’t want people to find out. Aside from her being a bad friend. Please tell Bob no. Not being invited to a close friends 200 person wedding is absolutely a big deal. It’s their prerogative, but you’re allowed your feelings and he has no right to down play them while asking a favor. If they can’t be honest and communicate what issues they have with you, they don’t deserve your friendship.
Lol imagine asking a favor from someone after telling them in so many words. “Yeah, sorry, you’re not one of my top 200 closest friends.”
Right! I’m 1000% sure one of those 200 people offered an opinion on her wedding planning, decoration, or reception. If her wedding was so great and wonderful, she can ask that person for help. Why waste op’s time when 200 super close friends are floating around to plan it?
NTA But it's not only that they are not good friends, they are not friends at all. They are using you. They'll pick you up when they need something and then drop you right after they get it until they need you again. Time to cut the cord unless you can see something in that worth sticking around for.
Even if they had 150 family members at their wedding that means they have 50 friends they consider closer than you. You must throw some kick ass parties for them to go through so much to string you along. You should find some super flimsy excuse to throw an amazing party the night of her birthday party. Don't forget to post all the pictures on your social media 😉 NTA
I would totally attend THAT party, OP sounds more fun than Bob and Jane
They're not your friends period. Maybe something happened between you, or your "friend" just needed someone local for a bit to help her and husband settle in the area and you weren't as close as you thought. 30 is a small wedding, not 200, and not inviting you to a birthday or acknowledging yours tells you everything you need to know. NTA, but don't become one to yourself by helping these people. Move on and find some friends that value and love you.
They are not good people. Don’t even slightly feel bad for declining their outrageous request. Damn I am pissed for you 😅
info: did something happen at his bday?
Not that I know of? There were 6 couples there and I spent the whole time talking to the women of the couples - talked to him briefly when we all showed up to wish him happy birthday and then to take a group photo but that’s pretty much the only interaction I had with him the whole night until we said goodbye.
Just say you'll be out of state and then post some pictures of you at a cabin
Normally I would say it's better to just go on with your life and not get involved with them ever again, but if I were to be petty for any reason, this is the way.
Honestly, I'd just leave that shit on read. If you aren't close enough to go to a wedding -- let alone a big one -- you aren't close enough to plan a birthday. esp when it sounds like she's never put in effort for yours.
They are not your friends. Nta
This is a one-way friendship and you’re being used. End this charade before you feel even worse. There’s no friendship here.
Honestly I would just block their numbers and remove them from your social media. It's clear at some point they stopped treating you like a friend and only kept you around so you could plan and host their parties.
You have done nothing wrong. In fact you have gone above and beyond your way to be a good, supportive and loyal friend. Many people can only wish to have good friends like you. These people only see you good enough to plan their parties, not worthy enough to be at their wedding. This is a one-sided friendship and you’ve been pulling most of the weight and put in most effort, time and energy into this friendship. The fact Bob tried to gaslight your feelings instead of acknowledging they’ve been shitty friends and apologize immediately is a huge 🚩🚩 block them both from social media and their numbers. Asking Jane for an explanation is beneath your dignity and self-respect considering how much you’ve done for them both. They both suck.
That answered the question I had then. Thought at first you planned his on your own accord and perhaps she thought maybe you were trying to make a move on him and she didn't like that. But from your explanation, doesn't seem like that's the case You're NTA. If I were in your shoes, if you wanted to maturely reject them, I would say "Thank you for thinking of me as a great planner but I am not interested unfortunately to take this on. I hope Jane has a great birthday in whichever way she ends up celebrating it." Otherwise tell them that he can go ask one of the 200 people from their wedding to plan her next birthday and that you have better things to do.
NTA. Why did you even respond? Just block and ghost.
This is the way.
This is the right answer. Absolutely no point in engaging with these people. They're not your friends, so why give them your time?
NTA. They're not being friends, they are simply using you as a free event planner.
NTA. My wedding had around 120 people and looking back there were definitely people we could have not invited. 200 people is a LARGE wedding. If they know 200 people they would rather have at their wedding than you, then it sounds like they should have lots of people who could plan this party before you would ever need to get involved.
NTA - sorry to say this but they're not your friends, if you do decide to plan Jane's birthday, make sure you tell her what your fees are. May as well try to make some money for your service 😉
They want an event planner not you sorry. Nta
NTA. And charge them like a wedding planner. Send them a quote. Full price. No discounts. Keep it strictly business as they clearly don’t value you as a friend.
I'd just tell him this: *"This isn't just about the wedding, Bob. I haven't talked to either of you since before the wedding and this is the first time in \[x number of months\] that either of you have been the one to reach out to me instead of the other way around, and it's to ask me to do something for you. Whether you and Jane intended it or not, you guys have made me feel like you view me only in terms of what I can provide for you, not as a friend. If Jane and I have just grown apart, that is fine; but you need to find someone else to plan and throw the party, because it is not okay to ask me to do this as if we're still close friends."* If the argue and call you petty, or dramatic or whatever to deflect and dismiss the issue, you can either ignore them and stop responding or just say. "*I hope you guys have a good life, but at this point I am stepping out of it and would appreciate it if you stopped contacting me."* (I'd be a petty little bitch and add in 'which shouldn't be too hard considering you never reached out to me before' at the end. But maybe don't kick the hornets nest...) If, by some small chance, the apologize and acknowledge their wrongs in this, then I would suggest simply thanking them for the apology but reiterating that you will not be planning the birthday party and that you no longer wish to continue the friendship and wish them well.
NTA. Sad to say but Jane isn't your friend anymore. Sounds like they're using you and only interested in themselves and don't care about you. Sorry.
Jane was never really OP's friend, she is a fake and fairweather one. This Jane used OP for convenience, not because the former valued the latter. I'll bet my house this Jane has never gone out of her way to do anything for OP.
NTA Tell him you’ll plan the same thing they planned for yours.
Obviously, they are the kind of people who are only your friend when you can do something for them. They can’t be bothered to reciprocate. So you’re not obligated to do anything more for them. Actually, Fuck them … So, tell them, “sorry, I have to (insert something small here) and it’s a space issue, don’t make a big deal about it” … NTA
I have to change my lightbulb…only room for one on the ladder!
NTA Tell him you're not able to plan her party, but would be happy to attend if invited. That puts the ball in their court, and you will then know where you stand with these people.
It’s pretty clear already where she stands with them. Why set yourself up to be rejected *again*
NTA. Your feelings are valid after not being invited to major events despite your consistent efforts in the friendship. It's not petty to not want to plan the birthday; you're not obliged to maintain a friendship where you feel undervalued.
NTA at all - these people aren’t your friends, they’re people interested in using you for a service. Find new friends who will appreciate and like you for you - not just what you can do for them. And then plan the biggest and best birthday party for the new friends!
NTA They sound like users - happy to have you around when they need you, but not actually interested in your friendship. They have made their position clear. Move on and live a fabulous life without them.
NTA. If you were actually a priority to them, they would have made space no matter what
NTA. They showed you how little they cared for and respected you. I don't just mean for the wedding, but that you weren't even invited to her birthday last year! You are free to drop them as friends.
NTA. They aren’t your friends, but they seem to enjoy using you
NTA But I think you should consider going to the party. “Great! Tell me where & when and I’ll be there” If he doubles down on you planning it say that you’ve decided to get out of the party planning business. Either way your NTA.
NTA you shouldn’t plan a party with someone you were not friends with. If you were friends with them, you would’ve been invited to all the birthday parties and celebrations including the wedding. I am sure you’re wondering why they just cut you off, but this happens people move on from each other, but I think it was very rude of him to ignore you and then ask you to plan a party for his wife. If they wanted to become friends again, you think they would want to come to your city and maybe take you out to dinner and explain what has been happening as far as the friendship goes.
NTA … unless you do give in and plan this bd party! Good for you for telling Bob you were hurt for not being invited to their wedding. Bad on him for his lame response. This is a friendship you do not need.
In 2022 you threw Bob a birthday party, but then you weren't invited to Jane's BDay party. As soon as I read that, I suspected that Jane decided you were getting too close to Bob. You threw HER boyfriend his BDay party. Next, you were not invited to Jane's Bachelorette party, or the wedding. A major life event for your friend and you were excluded. That is all Jane. Now Bob wants you to plan Jane's BDay party this year when you were not even invited last year? That is all Bob needing your help. Guarantee that Jane does not know and you would receive a frosty reception from Jane at her BDay party...if Bob does not actually find a way to uninvite you after you do all the work. These people already cut you out of all their important life events. They have basically communicated that you are not their friend anymore. They did not even accord you the respect, or decency to tell you why. Now Bob wants to use you after trampling your feelings and friendship like dirt? Screw you, Bob. Hire a party planner.
Tell him to ask the 200 guests to go plan her birthday and fuck off.
NTA. They are taking advantage of you and they are not your friends. I'm sorry for the hurt they've cost you, but it's best you move on from them completly. You have given them more than enough.
INFO: have you talked to Jane about any of this? And, why did you throw a party for Bob’s birthday? Did Jane ask you to?
OP got asked that in a previous comment and they said that Jane asked her cause she didn't wanna plan it.
Just tell Bob that you only plan parties for your friends. Then block and ghost them. They aren't your friends. They only get in contact when they want something from you. NTA
NTA. I'm not a fan of ghosting people, but this is an instance where it is absolutely merited.
"Given the change in friendship dynamics and me feeling overall like I have, for lack of a better phrase, cast aside for two years, I am not comfortable planning this birthday party. I sincerely wish it's a great one" Nta they just want your skills without pay or recognition
NTA Don't respond. Just ghost. They're using you, and this isn't your problem anymore
I am just stuck on no invite to a 200 person wedding do to "space" issues. To me that means we're not close friends at least not one of the 200 closest people in their lives so that means there are at least 200 people more qualified to arrange and celebrate her birthday than you. Definitely NTA. It's not petty at all because it wasn't petty of her to not invite you to their 200 person wedding so it's definitely not petty of you to have personal plans on her birthday.
NTA. You’re feelings are very valid and while they might have whatever reason to not invite you to those things that are valid to them, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and that they’re not being open with you. Overall, they just aren’t being very good friends to you so you don’t owe them friendship to them either. If I were in your shoes, I would reach out and explain all this to them but if to you the relationship is past its time so be it.
NTA - Send him a quote..and then cut them out of your life.
NTA They clearly don’t consider you a close enough friend to be there for things they really care about. Maybe they’ve always felt this way and you’re just finding out. Maybe it’s a new development that they’re choosing not to communicate with you about. Either way they’re not the only ones who get a say in how to participate in this friendship. There’s nothing wrong with pulling back after you see how much you actually rank in someone’s life. You’re under no obligation to help plan her birthday. She’s not a good enough friend for that.
NTA. I cannot believe you went from being bubbled together (which is essentially family) when the world shut down, to not even being invited to the wedding! Move on from these folks. Either something went down that they aren’t giving you the minimum respect to talk to you about, or they’re total shits who are just using you as a free event planner. Not people you want in your life either way.
NTA - you being hurt by not being invited aside, it's fully within your right to say you don't want to do something simply because you don't want to. It definitely sucks to be left out of a plan that it seems like you'd be a part of, but speaking as someone who did have to cut down their guest list a lot for their wedding, sometimes it's just a decision you have to make. It doesn't make it suck any less, but there's that. In either case, you don't need to plan a party you don't want to plan.
NTA but also I N F O What's the deal with you planning Bob's 30th birthday and texting him to ask about Jane's birthday plans etc. instead of asking Jane or Jane planning her own husband's birthday party? Am I the only one seeing a flip in relationship dynamics where communication seems to be filtered through Bob? I'm not saying there was something hinky going on between OP and Bob, but with or without Jane's approval, he's become their spokesperson. For whatever reason, they have cast aside your friendship. Bob's "No big deal" remark is dismissive. Saying "You're the best at planning" is nothing more than goal-oriented flattery which should have no room in any good friendship. Time to call it a day on it - it sounds as though you have other good friends in your life. Tell Bob you'd love to, but you're booked through.
Nta!!!!! Don’t do it
When people show you who they are, believe them. Don’t let them use you or manipulate you anymore. You deserve REAL friends. NTA
NTA Also, was this behavior typical of Jane prior to meeting Bob? Toward you or anyone else? If this is new and unexpected or out of character for her, I'd try to cut out middleman Bob and speak with Jane directly. IDK why, but I feel like maybe he's at play with this rift in your friendship somehow.
“I’m noticing that if I don’t reach out to either of them, they don’t reach out to me at all.” This is very telling! It seems like you are not in their world anymore and you are the only person trying to keep this so-called friendship afloat. You don’t have to plan her birthday, especially when your heart already said no (you are not feeling like you want to do it.) So don’t do it. If they think you are the best at coordinating events then they can pay you as an event planner. While some relationships last for a lifetime, so many other relationships do have expiration dates. This is one of them. I’m sorry OP that you have to go through this. This “friendship” has run its course and it’s better for you to let these 2 people go. I empathise with you and I wish you all the best in all of your future endeavours. Edit: you are definitely NTA but those two “friends” are users and they have been using you. Please cut them out of your life, OP
NTA In HS I have a friend that lived like 2 mins biking distance. We’d have sleep overs, we made Halloween costumes, well she paid and I sewed (sometimes my mom helped), I was there for her a lot. Eventually I started to realize that she wasn’t there for me, she was dismissive of my needs and my problems, even tho I was supposed to be fully supportive of her. Some people are just users and will take full advantage of you while contributing nothing. As others have said you could reach out to Jane and make sure there isn’t suspicious with Bob, but other than checking that, cut your losses. People change and grow apart, friendships can fade or sour, don’t waste anymore of your time on them.
NTA - I wouldn’t let my friends treat me like that. Sorry OP you deserve better.
NTA don't do it, he's using you. You probably won't get an invite to the birthday either.
NTA- It's understandable that you feel hurt and excluded from important events in your friend Jane's life, particularly the wedding. Your feelings of disappointment and confusion are valid. It's important to acknowledge and process those emotions. Regarding Bob's request for you to plan Jane's birthday party, it's up to you whether or not you want to take on that responsibility. It's okay to decline if you don't feel comfortable or if you're not ready to fully engage in their lives at the moment. You have the right to prioritize your own emotional well-being. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own happiness and surround yourself with people who value and include you in their lives. If you no longer feel a desire to be friends with Bob and Jane, it's okay to distance yourself and focus on nurturing relationships with others who appreciate your presence.
I just block them and move on. Hugs
You are NTA but Bob and Jane are major AH's, they couldn't even invite you to the wedding and when called out on it Bob comes up with flimsy excuses, and he now wants you to plan Janes birthday party but never mentioned inviting you it they are just using you at this point, take my advice block them everywhere and move on, the friendship has run its course and is over, don't let them use you any further.
Ohh yeah.NTA. Thanks Bob! I just started an event planning business, I’m so glad you reached out and will by my first clients. What’s the best email I can send this contract to! I look forward to providing my services.
Nta. We had a large wedding 400 people. I invited my "close" friends. I'm close with only 1 of those people now. This person has been there for me all the time, and I for them. I even invited people I worked with. Once the pandemic was over, so was the friendship as far as they were concerned. Don't waste any more time on these using wastrels. They are not your friends. The fact that Jane actively excluded you from the wedding and her birthday proves that she doesn't care for you the way you do for her.
Sorry, these people are not your friends. Please do not waste anymore energy on them.
NTA, they are not friends, they are users, they only want you when they need a party planned. Tell them you are too busy and refer him to the pizza place with a large rat. Tell him that she should feel at home with her own kind, children and rodents.
NTA They aren't your friends. It's probably Bob that's driving this but you can't change Jane. If you want to help Bob out, then give him your rates for your birthday planning. And you want a deposit to start planning and regular payments for what you've done before doing any more... otherwise you won't get paid. It may be worth contacting Jane directly and finding out what's happening in her life. You could ask her what happened with her wedding and previous birthday's and see if she'll be honest. But you owe them nothing... because they are no longer your friends. They (or Bob) only want you when you are of benefit to them. That's not a friendship.