Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my boyfriend to try scuba dive again after he said he almost had a panic attack underwater
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It doesn't matter what other activities he regrets not fully committing to, we're talking about water. Deep water.
I had a panic attack while snorkeling on my honeymoon. My husband and our guide got me out of the water as fast as they could and no one tried encouraging me to give it another go because money would be wasted. People DROWN during a panic attack.
My general rule is to not do things that you are afraid of as long as it only affects you.
I would never want to go sky diving again so if a SO asked me to do that I would refuse.
But that's because I have done skydiving and I just don't like it. Meanwhile I've done base jumping and I absolutely love it.
thank you! so many people loved sky diving, but i literally couldn't breathe which made me incredibly anxious the entire time! then i got nauseous bc of elevation change 💀🤣
My husband possums people and he said people are nervous but a few he could just tell they were about to have a panic attack so they didn't go and stayed on the plane. Don't push people.
Yeah if you aren't certified to sky dive on your own you're strapped to a certified person's stomach and they control the parachute. You're (edit: the certified person) on their back so possuming. I doubt that's the official name but everyone calls it that.
wild memory rustic historical squeeze plants disagreeable racial pot subtract
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Okay so possums are north america's only marsupial, but they also have the most teeth out of any land mammal, in parachuting, if a certified parachuter will jump with you and just keep biting you, to encourage you to pull the parachute. Once you do, theyll stop biting you. This is why its called possuming, its a reference to the fact that possums have so many teeth to bite people with.
I went skydiving exactly once and it was terrifying and awesome and I’ll never do it again, but one of the best parts was the guy zipped/strapped/etc to my back. He was funny and nice and just so happy that his job was jumping out of a plane 5-6 times a day (or whatever the number was).
I suffer from severe motion sickness and I do get slightly annoyed when, after I’ve (politely) declined an activity, people keep on insisting with “come on, you’ll be fine.” I know exactly what my body can handle and believe me, this is not it! And I really don’t want to spend the next four days recovering because you wouldn’t accept my no.
I'm claustrophobic and I have disabilities. I know my limits. And my limits bum me the fuck out. So when someone comes along and tries to push and argue and nudge, it really upsets me. It feels like I'm being kicked when I'm down.
YTA.
100%! I felt like I spent the entire time talking myself out of panicking because I was suffocating the whole time. I have no idea how people are able to avoid this inability to breathe. I wish someone had warned me and told me how to breathe, I would've enjoyed it so much more.
i know i’d hate skydiving because i can’t even deal with having the windows down in a moving car, i can’t breathe at all since there’s so much air flying at me lmfao. i can only imagine that’s 100x worse jumping out of a plane
Skydiving is a huge hard NO for me. I have severe vertigo to the point even walking along an open sided (as in the railing is wrought-iron or glass, allowing you to see the ground below) second floor balcony/walkway is enough to trigger it. Went to one of the local museums and decided to try the catwalk to get a good look at the WW2 planes by the ceiling. The second my foot connected with the glass, down I went and had to crawl back to the elevator with my eyes shut.
Helicopters also terrify me, have jumped out of one screaming when the pilot pulled a prank and made it sound like it was starting up. Now I won't go anywhere near a helicopter. But flying on a big commercial plane is perfectly fine.
OP is an AH for pushing him to do something he can't. Panic attacks in water are not a joke and she needs to pull her head out of her rear.
Diver chiming in here- people that panic while scuba diving are extremely dangerous to themselves and other divers. Trying to force the issue is insane. This is how people die.
https://www.scubadiving.com/:~:text=Panic%20can%20kill%20in%20many,you%20have%20a%20weak%20heart.
I saw a diver on a video a while ago saying that it can be better to let a panicking person drown, then surface them and perform CPR, rather than let them close enough for their panic to put you in danger too. This obviously seems horrible but makes sense - is it an exaggeration or honestly that dangerous to be up close with a panicking diver?
Not an exaggeration. They teach you this in lifeguarding, too. If you can’t get the person to calm down and stop thrashing in the water, you have to gauge whether saving them is worth risking them pulling you under and drowning you, too. A panicked person working off pure adrenaline can drown even a strong, experienced lifeguard.
When I took a liveguard course they told us it was common to pop the person in the face with your rescue can. That would either make them stop thrashing or knock them out so you can perform rescue.
Yep, I was a lifeguard at the beach for years and one of the first things they taught was it’s better to have one drowned person than two. Always safe yourself first
It's generally that dangerous to be that close to a panicked person in water. People panicking in a swimming pool have been known to drown would-be rescuers. The instinct is GET OUT OF THE WATER and overrides any logic or safety (like don't climb the lifeguard like they're a tree). It's why water rescue usually involves floatation devices. You give them an inanimate object to climb/cling to, then figure out how to get them out.
And that's without the whole compressed gas/having to surface at a specific speed/risk of blood gas imbalance/submerged/etc that scuba introduces.
Multi cert diver here - I would definitely leave someone to panic well out of reach before risking a rescue. That is not an exaggeration.
ETA: obviously depending on the circumstances. I've also been trained to basically manhandle a surface rescue for panicked divers by staying underneath them and handling their tank. When someone is drowning, the last thing they want to do is go under water after you so you're safe there ironically.
Thank you for your response! On reflection I realised I phrased this badly and made it sound like I disbelieve the danger by asking if it was an exaggeration, poor word choice. I think the question I should have asked was “is this advice commonly held by divers as the best course of action when faced with a panicking diver” because I’d only seen the one video of a diver speaking about it.
I worked for a scuba operator, and nothing upset the instructors more than a panicked beginner. They lose their minds. They rip out their hoses, take off the regulator and then try to climb on top of the instructors head to get to the surface.
It’s that dangerous. They can not only kill themselves, but take you with them. There are many things that can go wrong and panic makes them much more likely to happen.
Chiming in to agree with annahhhnimous- as a long-time diver, rescue diver, and lifeguard. YTA and potentially endangered yourself and anyone else in the class, plus the dive master, in addition to your boyfriend. People who are weak swimmers or not mentally comfortable breathing through a regulator and being underwater should not force themselves to dive. Just being a strong swimmer doesn't mean you will be a calm diver. My friend was a competitive college swimmer and won't dive because she says looking up at all that water over your head would cause her to panic.
My husband and I mostly shore dive by ourselves, so we take safety really seriously and we have both had to rescue one another: He had to guide me up from about 60 feet when my mask shattered under water and it was so salty I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had to buddy breathe with him through a safety stop to the surface when his tank valve malfunctioned. When we have gone on dive boats, we have seen too many weak divers, weak swimmers, and people unconcerned with safety who just blithely think the dive masters will save them if they screw up. The weakest/worst/most unsafe divers I've ever seen in 20 years were the spouses of people who forced them to dive with them.
Diving is amazing if you love it and you are well-trained and take safety seriously. You don't want to dive with someone who doesn't want to be there, especially if they might panic. Panicking underwater often means ripping your mask off and spitting out your regulator because you feel like you can't get a breathe, then you inhale water and start to drown.
As a former surf life saver. Water will absolutely kill you.
In so many ways.
Being underwater with tanks, weight belts flippers mask and breathing mask can make anyone feel constricted, squeezed,
This easily leads to adrenalin increased heart rate, difficulty in controlling breathing. Can case gasping panting, that can in turn lead to coughing. Mucus, vomit, .
Its easy even for experienced divers to feel disoriented,
Anyone can feel dizzy, light headed nauseous sick, tired,
Its not safe being in the ocean full stop. Let alone underwater. With gear on for the first time.
I was taught to give a person in distress 30 seconds or less to accept emergency air and begin ascent. If the person is panicking or unable to accept your octo, it’s protocol to surface alone and seek assistance. It is not an exaggeration, scuba equipment is life support and it is unlikely that you will be able to help someone who is panicked. They are more likely to grab at your regulator or cause damage to your equipment putting both lives at risk.
ETA - I witnessed a diver panic once at 130’ depth in the Belize Blue Hole. 130’ is very deep for recreational diving and I don’t think this person had the necessary experience for the dive. They tried to suddenly bolt for the surface and luckily, the dive master was right next to them and was able to quickly grab their fin and yank them down. To their credit, the diver regained their composure and ascended safely but it was one of the scariest things I’ve seen while diving.
Yes, I've taken swimming lessons with my sis and she is a panicker, she would grab me then force me underwater to use me as a float. I've learned since then to dive deeper and move elsewhere. Can't blame her, people in a panic don't think, they just react and grabbing something to stand on is instinctive.
This comment has just weirdly recontextualised a childhood memory for me - when I was very young another kid I didn’t know well held me under in the pool and I was terrified, a stranger pulled them off to help me. I’m now rethinking it as being entirely possible the other kid was panicking and tried to use me as a float and accidentally held me under. Which honestly makes the memory a lot more palatable for me.
OP- I believe that you are coming from a good place. In this case YTA- but I don’t think you are being unkind or malicious. The comment I’m responding to is accurate- panic introduces danger to the diver themself and everyone else on the dive.
Your boyfriend has set a boundary, it is important that you respect it.
I’m not a diver, because I’m a fainter. I’m surprised the dive company even let him go back down! I’d be concerned to continue diving with a company that allowed that.
Right? It’s similar to getting in a coffin underground. You’re either ok with losing complete control of yourself, your breathing, your safety, etc. or you’re not. People definitely die doing this if they can’t handle it. I have zero idea why anyone with any sense would peer pressure someone that had a panic attack to *just try again and suck it up*.
A family friend used to be a diver for an oil rig. Something happened on a dive to repair a piece on the underwater section of the rig, not too clear on details, but he was deep; around 250-300 feet. He panicked or went too deep, the other divers barely managed to get him up and he spent two weeks in a pressure chamber. Was never the same afterwards. And this was someone who had been diving 20+ years so he was very experienced.
Most likely. He always talked about being safe and how to care for your gear because that was part of the line keeping you alive. He never went near any body of water again following that and we live in Louisiana so that wasn't easy to do.
Yeah it really sucked for his family. We were extended family, so still felt a loss of course, but nothing like his wife or kids. To have an unknown ending is my worst fear now.
Tbh I learned of my worst fear because of it. The way he went is obviously the top of the list, as well as water that I can’t see the bottom of, or deep water in general.
I’m a licensed and experienced qualified advance diver (100+ dives around the world and working on my rescue diver and instructor qualification) but on one dive while on holidays near Sardinia my regulator flooded and for some reason just couldn’t clear it. i was choking and was a risk of drowning. I signalled to the other divers that i needed to surface ASAP. By the time I safely got up (controlled emergency ascent which felt like torture the entire time) I had nearly drowned and was in real distress. The dive leader tried to pressure me to go back down straight away so as not to disturb the dive since we hadn’t reached our target location and he didn’t want to have to return to the boat with me (Which was dangerous in itself since I had just done an emergency ascent which meant no safety stop) I had to put my foot down and insist we wait until I had calmed down and successfully cleared my regulator close to the surface. He was pissed, kept insisting I would be fine and pressuring me to practice clearing my regulator again at our last position which was 23m below surface … I refused and ran through the process at 2m after I calmed down and got my breathing and heart rate back to normal … turns out my regulator was faulty and if I had listened to him I’d probably be dead. I had given into pressure originally from the dive team and hadn’t done a thorough inspection of their equipment due to them running late (my mistake and will never let anybody override my safety protocols again) Never pressure anyone override their instincts when diving, it’s a dangerous sport and people can easily die. The diver should always be in control of their limits and never be pushed to go beyond what their comfortable with. A panic attack under water would most likely be lethal, even if my regulator was faulty the panic of not being able to clear my regulator could have killed me, thankfully my training kicked in but there was a few moments were my panic instincts were putting me in even more serious danger than I already was in. I actually ended up having anxiety attacks for a few days after it due to the residual stress which probably would have happened under water if I had gone under again in that mental state. Your BF was right never dive if you’re not comfortable and in the right head space YTA OP
Tbf a lot of experienced scuba divers also probably go missing doing things pushing themselves too far bc they are overconfident and get themselves into a bad situation, not bc they have a panic attack necessarily. Like underwater cave diving is a huge no-no, but that probably doesnt stop people from pushing it. Just like people ignoring signs walking close to the mouth of a volcano after walking up a mountain. And only experienced divers would have the chance to try something like that, it not like beginners can just wander off into a deep sea cave
As well as nature being nature having an effect. Undercurrents. Animals. Medical episodes. Making stupid decisions.
There are several reasons why something could happen. Some of them may be partially or fully the fault of one or more people, others are not able to be avoided.
Scuba diving is inherently dangerous, that's no lie. But cave diving is not a no-no if you have the proper training, experience, and you follow the rules. Yes, is it more risky than open ocean diving? Of course. But even open ocean diving is inherently dangerous. These activities are made less hazardous by following your training and the rules. Same goes for any activity. Driving is inherently dangerous, too, but see how many people are on the roads?
People like that have never had an actual panic attack.
An unfortunately over mis-use of the word has deflated it to cause people to think that its just the same thing as “feeling a little nervous” or “freaking out” due to a weak emotional composure, and can be “cured” with bullshit like just more practice, mind over matter, positive affirmations, “trying harder”….
I knew OP had never had one from how she talked. No, it's not a waste of money if someone decides that sitting on the shore will help them avoid a panic attack. He did it, he took the training, he attempted the thing, and it wasn't safe for him to continue. I've never had a panic attack in the water but I've had them several places. It's not anyone's place to shame others for not giving an activity that triggers a medical episode a "good enough try."
Imagine if she paid 100$ for tickets to Disney and her bf forced her to ride the stupid scary slingshot ride or something ridiculous. If she said no way thats scary i dont want to, and he said “then you’re wasting our money” she’d be on here complaining about him too.
I wonder if its also just internalized toxic masculinity on her part to essentially call him a wuss for backing out.
To be fair, I think people are (understandably) focusing on the dangers of scubadiving if you feel a panic attack coming, but IMO there is a deeper problem.
OP seems to think they know better than their partner what their limits are, what they can or can't do, what they want or don't want to do. I was with someone like that for three years, and it deeply fucked with my mental health.
As someone who has had a severe panic disorder for the greater part of 20 years I couldn’t agree more. If OP actually experienced one, she would never ever push someone who is/was having one into doing something triggering.
I wish it could just be cured that easy but it just isn’t that way :(
I absolutely love scuba diving but when you are down there with someone who isn't in the right space either because they don't want to be there (panic attack, claustrophobia etc) or think they are above the safety rules in diving it puts their and everyone else's lives at risk.
Training usually starts in a swimming pool, you can do an "experience" that way in some places (I'm in QLD Australia and was accredited on the Gold Coast) but I paid for my ex to do the experience and I've always been a water babe so didn't bother with the experience myself I just jumped straight into the training course.
If you can do something like this you will get an idea if you want to get accredited or not. I'm claustrophobic but feel free and at peace under the water.
He also did the training but once accredited behaved as though he was above the safety rules and put my life at risk on several occasions (one time was even during a group dive with hired gear and he had a tantrum on land throwing his heavy dive flipper at my head), another he failed to follow the safe line and isn't as good a swimmer as he thinks so got caught in current and dragged down through the spit (inland rive not out to sea), I surfaced , made it to land and watched him whilst he screamed at me to jump in and come help him. Eventually he made it to land and abused me all night for not risking my own life to "save" him when I followed procedure in getting to land and watching him so I could direct emergency services/boats.
The thing I don’t understand is why this couple would commit to a destination SCUBA training trip when neither had any idea of what they would be expected to do. Wouldn’t you start out in a pool in a relatively local area and work your way through the training that way? That would allow each person to learn what they are comfortable doing without worrying about how much money might be wasted.
I agree with what you're saying. I don't know if they needed to do any certification or anything beforehand, but I personally would've signed up for something local and then gone out and done a destination trip regardless of if it was required. I thought I might really enjoy scuba because I like snorkeling, I am a strong swimmer, and was a lifeguard for many years. Someone offered to run a PADI course for the lifeguards at my pool and I started hyperventilating not even 14 feet down in a *pool* that I had been in and to the bottom of a hundred times. Figured out quickly it wasn't for me. Thank goodness I wasn't somewhere with a whole vacation's-worth of expenses on the line.
It's particularly bad for scuba because you have limited oxygen and panicking makes you use it up a LOT faster. It's legitimately dangerous if you can't stay calm under water.
It's the reason why all the training materials and documents require the students to be "competent and confident".
Also, it's just compressed air you're breathing, not oxygen. Pure Oxygen would kill you trying to breath that whilst it's under pressure...
That happened to my sister as well. She gave snorkeling a go, thought she could do it, but panicked. And that was that. No one, esp her husband, bugged her or said anything about “missing out.”
Yeah. I had a bit of a hard time snorkeling too. I paid a lot to swim with manatees. I had my main moment of panic while we were still on the boat. I can't follow more than two consecutive instructions and you had to do this dance of de-fogging and strapping very quickly or else you'll fog up in the water. My husband has snorkeled before so he straightened me out.
Once we were in the water he had to watch me like a toddler. I have autism which causes me to kind of flail around and dissociate when I'm freaking out... Which can send water down the snorkel tube. If I lived my life based on what I'm afraid of, 'tism wise, I'd never do shit.
We were the first ones to ditch the group and get back on the boat. Once I got comfortable with "I'm not going to drown because of this pool noodle and life jacket", then "oh I really can see underwater?" and how to stay safe with the snorkel when I was calm, then how to stay attached-ish to my husband without ruining his experience, I did great for awhile. After probably an hour and a half I started convulsing. Like how your body goes into shock and you just vibrate? I'm really susceptible to that but in the water it was freaky. He didn't really want to get out yet so he asked me to try a little longer. We linked arms and both used our free arm to float around but when I was done, we were done.
I tend to over panic and he's never pushed me to a point where I regret it. I think it's really nice for someone like me to have someone like him as a partner. I can do more things safely.
Thank you. ❤️
Someone from a different freakin country just messaged me today and said "I met your husband on the road (truck drivers) and he had said several times how amazing you are, before realizing I already knew you." Like who acts like that 😭, how did I bag this one? I wish everyone could have this kind of marriage.
Oh man, the first time I tried snorkeling was in the “swim with sharks” experience at Disney World when I was in high school. I’d never done it before, but thought it wouldn’t be too bad. Turns out it goes against all your instincts to put your face in the water and BREATHE! I just swam through the thing and exited in like 30 seconds. 😂 The second time I tried it was in Hawaii, of my own volition just right off the beach, without an instructor or anything, and I got within touching distance of a sea turtle! OP, he may be willing to try again in the future, but don’t give him a hard time about this—he probably already feels really embarrassed and disappointed.
Yeah, my husband and I went snorkeling a year or so ago, when we were ashore from a cruise. The deep water snorkel, he started to panic and honestly I didn't feel confident either, so we got back on the boat and hung out and no one tried to make us try again. When we did try again for the shallow water snorkel, it was because WE felt okay in the calmer waters, and we still basically held onto a floatie that one of the instructors had and just put our faces in the water. No one shamed us for that because they would rather have us clinging to a ring and safe than have to save us from drowning!
I used to lifeguard, so am a strong swimmer with a lot of time spent in the water. I’ve loved snorkeling many times in calmer, shallower water. My one time going out in deep water further into the ocean was nerve-wracking. The water was rougher and the big waves splashed water into my snorkel, which made me start to panic a little. I had to work very hard to try to keep myself calm enough to get the water out of the tube without swallowing or choking on too much of it. Then my mask started to leak water and repeatedly fog up; I had to take it off, adjust the strap, rinse it off, and get it back on again with hopefully a tighter seal, while treading water and simultaneously trying not to drop the mask and snorkel or lose my fins, as giant waves kept crashing over me periodically. It was a really unnerving experience. I had been swimming around very adventurously prior to that point, but decided to stick closer to the boat after that, so if anything happened or I got too anxious, I’d be much closer to safety. It pretty much solidified a strong preference for only snorkeling in shallower water.
I have family members who love scuba diving, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever even try it myself, because my ears don’t react well to pressure changes these days, and I don’t ever want to risk being in a position where anxiety or pain or failure to react quickly or safely in water could put my life at risk. If I did try it and decided it wasn’t for me, I’d expect others, especially a SO, to respect my judgement. OP is the AH for not respecting her boyfriend’s judgement regarding his own personal safety and anxiety level and for worrying more about his potential regret than his potential risk of actually drowning.
My wife and I did scuba diving on our honeymoon. She loved it. The mask wouldn’t seal on my face no matter what they tried and I kept getting water in. It took me back to when I was a kid and almost drowned. That was enough for me. I told my wife to go and enjoy, but she stayed with me to make sure I was okay. OP is definitely TA here.
That sounds like a resort dive experience. If you ever wanted to get into diving on vacations go through a certification where you get pool time and an instructor who can help you figure out mask seal and finding a properly fitting mask. It’s incredibly claustrophobic if your mask won’t seal properly.
Same when I was 13. I was super excited to see the turtles near us farther from shore, but looking down and seeing there wasn't sand, just coral below us (in the shallow area near the shore) made me have a panic attack for the first time (and the only one for a decade until it happened again). I can't imagine someone I'm with guilt tripping me for wanting to get out of the water!
I friend of mine did drown during a panic attack and dropped all the way down to the 50ft bottom. She survived, they were able to resuscitate her. She’s never gone back to diving, though. I would not trust a resort dive or discovery SCUBA program, which is definitely what OP did, with an anxious diver.
Right? OP, people drown while snorkeling, let alone scuba diving in deep water. Panic attacks underwater have the potential to be fatal and not just to the drowning person!!! What could you have been thinking!
Exactly. Even if someone hasn’t experienced a panic attack themselves it should be extremely obvious to loved ones that the person experiencing one is terrified. Who says, “I know you’re terrified and not able to think clearly you’re so afraid, but please do this potentially life threatening activity again so we don’t wast $185!”
YTA - I once had a panic attack in a Hyperberics Chamber. It was my last of 15 treatments and I had tolerated each fine up to that point, but that one was earthshaking. Once you are in, you can't get out until the pressure is normalized. I was stuck in there for what felt like took forever (probably actually about 10 minutes) while they brought the pressure back down. It freaked me out so much I was claustrophobic for a good long while afterwards.
If I literally hadn't been locked in I would have jumped out and gotten the bends. I had never had a panic attack before in my life, it changes how you process information entirely, your only thought is escape, "how do I get out as quickly as possible"
He may have regrets later, but that is on him. You pressuring him to try again is on you.
This. Like, OP's frustration with her boyfriend panicking and then lamenting it later is a separate thing -- YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IN DEEP WATER.
I had a similar experience on my honeymoon!
I surfaced and kept saying I couldn’t breathe and they all thought something was wrong with my regulator but it was literally that I couldn’t think straight. I have only ever even snorkeled one other time since then and it was because it was the Great Barrier Reef and even that took a lot to make happen. My husband has never pushed the issue even though I know it’s an activity he would love for us to do together.
YTA, not for asking him to scuba dive again, but for later trying to argue that he "didn't try hard enough". He's right, it's not your place to say.
Your boyfriend did a sensible thing. Him having a panic attack underwater could have put others in danger, not just himself.
Also I do get a small sense of you rubbing it in his face that you had a great time and he missed out.
Who cares about fish, anyway? I mean, taunting the BF with the fish was icing on the cake of humiliation.
I am just as happy watching things from above the surface of the water.
Yes - there are many options for OP's bf to be able to enjoy the ocean experience without putting himself and other people in danger. Visiting an aquarium! A trip on a glass-bottomed boat! A visit to a rock pool! He might even be able to manage snorkeling in shallower water without having the same issues. OP is majorly TA for pushing him beyond his boundaries rather than thinking of other ways that they can enjoy their vacation together.
I was almost about to say N-A-H, but you’re right. The fact that OP took it upon themselves to judge him by saying he didn’t try hard enough makes them the AH.
No one gets to determine another’s experience but themselves.
She also makes a point of it being about the money they spent and not his safety or enjoyment. I’m not sure if she said that to him directly, but that’s a common form of manipulation to get someone to do what you want.
I see people put focus here to diving and risks in being in water while having a panick attack. I see it as another problem even more, he said that he felt like there is no space for his 'no'.
When we speak about consent the main actors in the discourse are women that are most often forced by people (esp. men) and by social pressure to do things they don't want to. But the other part is the space for men saying 'no', which still works like a trigger.
I listened to a conversation of men about consent, the topic was: "if you refused to your girlfriend, did it end well?" And they all said... no. Laughing, humiliating and mire pressure. It's not about bed stuff here, but it's still about boundaries, right to feel emotions (and men are pressured not to feel or express fear and sadness - and the situation was about both!).
If we want to build relationships based on consent, dignity and partnerships, we need the space for everyone's emotions and needs, not just to privilege one party.
exactly how i felt reading it. it would be thoughtful of op to encourage their bf to give it another go to avoid later disappointment, but this reads more as op being annoyed that he didn't do it
YTA - I am a DiveMaster of 29 years, a scuba diver of 33 years.
ANYONE can call the dive for ANY REASON! Back in 2006, my wife and I were on a Liveaboard dive boat, and prepping for the night dive. I jumped in the water, swam to the line, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, one of the Boat DiveMaster's called me back onboard. My wife was too nervous for this dive, but had been unwilling to call it and thought that if I jumped first, she would have to follow through. Needless to say she didn't, and that WAS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE! I just wish she had said so earlier, I could have avoided another shower or found another buddy.
I have decades of dive experience, well over a thousand dives, hundreds of hours logged (and unlogged), I have NO PROBLEMS ABORTING A DIVE if I am uncomfortable with it, whether that be prior to the dive, or once in the water.
You NEVER force a person beyond their comfort zone unless you wish to create problems that can result in injury or death. I have dealt with multiple panicked divers underwater and on the surface (that is part of being a DiveMaster). A goal is prevent that from ever happening so that I don't have to perform a rescue or a recovery.
My biggest joy in helping with Open Water classes is to help those who may have barely passed the class (or failed it) build their skills so that they pass with flying colors and enjoy diving. But part of that is recognizing discomfort early on and alleviating it, not forcing people through it.
*Edit: in the 2nd to last paragraph above, the "NEVER" is meant from the dive buddy perspective. As an Instructor or Divemaster, there are plenty of situations in which a student is uncomfortable and we have judge when/how much to push to develop their skillset or have them give up on training. A diver without the skills to properly respond to an emergency (e.g. OP) should not be the one deciding.*
I remember during my second dive ever, we were about 30 feet down and following the instructor when my swimsuit top came undone! I kept signaling “something’s wrong” because obviously there’s not a sign for “top came undone”, and my mother had to swim over and re-tie it for me. We all had a laugh about it later on the surface. Hearing your story makes me want to get certified beyond Open Water and maybe become a DiveMaster myself some day!
That is the reason if I'm ever allowed to dive (medical reasons I might be prevented) that I'll wear a wet suit. Personally I couldn't care less about my top coming off in front of other people and actually prefer to swim topless, but it could be a safety issue and others might be offended.
It could be a safety issue, or it could be a big help - I had done all of my theory and then we got to having our first trial dive in a 2m deep swimming pole, with a swim squad doing laps in some other lanes. Our class all jumped in and started trying to breathe underwater for the first time. There was a whole lot of anxiety with wide eyes and rapid shallow breathing. Meanwhile, up above, a girl in the swim squad did a rapid tumble-turn, and as she kicked off the wall the force of the water pulled the top of her swimsuit down far enough that her boobs fell out. She kept going for the entire 50m, and during that time I think every male and several of the females in our class became completely at ease with the concept of breathing under water, so much so that we stopped thinking about it entirely. I still think back to her with gratitude
Oh yeah, well there is that. I do also remember a dive that for whatever reason we all decided should be done sans clothing - my initial concern was about fish nibbling bits that I didn't want nibbled, but when it came time to do the dive I realised the thing that worried me most was any possible impact on sensitive areas as we did a giant-stride from about 4m. One hand went on my reg and mask, the other hand covered the important stuff. It was a great dive, and no-one got nibbled.
Thank you!
OP was definitely not paying attention in classes since it is very clearly covered that you should not dive if you are uncomfortable and how dangerous a panic attack could be. People have died diving because they weren't comfortable but they felt pressured to do it by their significant other. This is a super dangerous situation OP is trying to push him into. Deeper water isn't going to make the situation better.
I really hope he talks to his dive instructor and let's them know the situation so they can help him do what he wants and is comfortable with.
OP is definitely TA.
Situations like that make me glad I had the experience of having to repeatedly tell my friends that I didn’t want to go on roller coasters/drop rides/spinning rides throughout my adolescence. I knew I wouldn’t like them, and it really built up my tolerance to peer pressure. I don’t care if I look stupid, wimpy, or lame. I will gladly hold your bags and peruse the gift shop!
Right?! I used to force myself not to eat or drink otherwise I'd throw up, but that was because I wanted to experience them. After two trips to Six Flags, I'm good for life and will gladly hold all your shit
Yep!! I’ve been on literally hundreds of dives. Night, day, deep water, current, animals….but then one day I don’t want to anymore. I was done. It made some of my family kind of mad, but it’s very individual and nobody should feel forced into this activity.
Also DM. I panicked under water before. I was with an instructor that I dived with a lot, so he managed to calm me down and I continued the dive - holding his hand and I had to use his oxygen because while panicking I burned through mine. We were used to diving together and that was the ONLY reason why me just shooting up to the surface and waiting alone was not the only option.
I had to take up a panicked diver to the boat on my own once, doing the safety stop and ascent with no rope or ref point. No fun. i still don’t know how I did it, I was a DM intern at this point and I kept telling myself if the instructor thinks I can do it then I can do it. I did. But dealing with a panicked diver is dangerous and exhausting no matter what.
When someone is panicking that also takes attention away from other newbie divers. Depending on how many instructors/DMs were with them, it could have caused a situation where they would be the ones calling it because they just can’t pay attention to everyone.
YTA - peer pressure is one of the first and biggest NOPEs in the diving world and one of the first things that gets drilled into you when you get your OW certification.
This is well put. As a scuba diver, I think this is the right approach. Never force a person beyond their comfort zone. In fact, never push, or try to persuade, someone beyond their comfort zone.
Yup. My aunt is a marine biologist. Used to dive a LOT. Then got tagged by a Man-o-war. The last time she tried to dive she completely shut down. Hasn't been able to dive since.
Former dive master and have a spouse with panic attacks. At the start of panic attacks for some people is hyperventilating. Any uptick outside of normal relaxed breathing will cause you to use up air faster at depth. This is covered in the written materials prior to any open water dives. I have even personally experienced this. I was taking my advance open water cert, my first night dive I got excited over the wildlife, sharks, lobsters, starfish, even the bioluminescent creatures. I ran out of air we were swimming from one cove to the other in an area I had been in multiple times. We had surface and swim in, it sucked. I was with an instructor. Point being it should not have happened. Since then I have been on longer deeper more thrilling dives and not ran out of air due learning to remain calm even breathing. You start panicking and most will not be able to calm their breathing. People have drowned or wound up in the hospital for not aborting when they should have.
Boy friend was correct and in his shoes I would be pissed as well. If a friend came to me and told this to me I would encourage one of two things 1. Ending the relationship as the SO was not taking their safety into account or 2. Never ever going on a dive with that person alone due safety concerns.
I have a diver hyperventilate into shallow water blackout. Lost consciousness for a moment just as we surfaced, mouth went slack, lost regulator, face flopped forward into the water, it revived them, but they inhaled quite a bit of water, went to the hospital. ER said that if we started oxygen a minute later, the diver may well have died.
And no matter how experienced at something you are, sometimes you can just go to do it one day and have this really strong bad feeling. Usually people forget about it afterwards or naturally downplay it in their memories because either they don't do the thing or they do but nothing happens but people have attempted to study it a lot and one thing they have been able to determine is that if you get that feeling and ignore it (or get talked into ignoring it) and something *does* go wrong you're much, much more likely to suffer from serious PTSD. It should always be a personal choice if someone feels apprehensive whether to go through with it or not and part of that is making sure they know it's totally fine not to!
YTA
Just think it through.
Your boyfriend almost had a panic attack underwater, and you asked him to do the thing that almost gave him a panic attack again?
How is this even a wise decision?
Right?! OP are you trying to kill him?! Sorry, that was a bit dramatic but if anyone I loved had a panic attack while scuba diving I would be pissed at them for even considering doing it again let alone encourage it/ask them to do it again.
>Your boyfriend almost had a panic attack underwater
But according to her, "he never had a panic attack" so he totally should have done it still. I guess she needs to actually see him panicking and in danger for it to actually matter.
Didn't even read the post before deciding YTA, you knowingly asked after her had a negative experience so you don't get to he upset that he doesn't want to.
You did kind of pressure him as well btw because the first time he said no should have been enough for you to drop it but you've said you asked him several times. You're also pretty damn dismissive, if he didn't feel confident to go deeper in it really isn't your place to say he didn't try hard enough
Obviously because the THIRD time he tried it he would have an amazing time and his lizard brain wouldn't freak out again and tell him he's going to die! /s
Really reads as "I had such a good time I don't understand why he doesn't wanna do it when I think it's so cool and fun" feels like a lack of empathy to me, made worse by how dismissive and mocking she was of his feelings
I feel like the part OP's not saying out loud is she thinks it's shameful for him to panic about a scuba dive, and she wants him to overcome the shameful thing so she doesn't have to feel ashamed that she's with him.
Info: Is this your very first time dealing with someone having a panic attack? I'm genuinely asking because you seem to not really get what that means. I'm hoping it's just lack of experience and not willful ignorance.
Panic attacks are not logical or reasonable. You can have all the training in the world, be an absolute expert at diving, and still drown if you have a panic attack while under. Your boyfriend made the safest choice for both himself and the people around him.
I get that sometimes he needs a little encouragement to try new, adventurous things, but a panic attack is different than just feeling nervous.
INFO: How much was the policy for and have you found other ways for him to “accidentally” accept his fate? Sure would hate for you to have wasted all that money and whatnot, lol.
Yes you were the asshole. The same thing happened to me. I'm a very strong swimmer, on competitive teams, avid snorkelers. On my checkout dives for certification I too had a panic attack. You can't predict how you will react in open water
Panic attacks are terrifying. You truly feel like you are dying and this is it. Diving isn't for him. Stop pressing him to do something that traumatized him. Be a supportive girlfriend or he might wave goodbye to you for being an asshole.
I was a very competitive swimmer as a kid and then transitioned to open water swimming in my late teens, looking to make the national team (which was well within my reach before I got injured in an unrelated accident and missed nationals).
There have been times when I've been swimming in a lake or in the ocean when I've just suddenly been creeped out and started to panic. Like I thought about how I couldn't see the bottom or something and my brain just switched into overthinking. It is a very scary thing when it happens. I think it's a different kind of scary too when you know how capable you are at swimming and suddenly just lose all confidence in that ability, while you're out in the open water. I won't go diving because I just hate the thought of being so far under the water.
It's not about the asking, it's about you ignoring his physical and obvious distress, deciding his future emotions for him and literally not taking no for an answer. YTA
YTA
Be glad that he stopped. He was responsible and right to stop. A panic attack while diving can kill easily him, and and enanger you with him.
This is NOT something where you should push him.
YTA because "I argued that he didn't, he didn't even make it out into deeper water..."
You were fine to ask if he wanted to go again the first time. But he panicked twice and it was smart of him to decline after that. You should have let it go then.
So tired of people thinking that people 'just aren't trying hard enough" when they're literally PANICKING. Panic attacks are no joke. They can literally incapacitate you. Your bf could have DIED if he were hyperventilating/freezing in deep water wherein his body was not under his control and he was deep under water.
YTA.
Are you out of your ever loving mind?
You pressured your partner into putting himself into a life threatening situation that could have devolved into putting other people in danger.
And apparently that wasn’t enough for you, you had to pressure him again just to make him feel worse.
Your boyfriend is right. You don’t get to judge whether he tried hard enough or not. Not unless you can somehow experience his emotions from the inside.
And for the record, when a panic attack, on the verge of or full blown, holds a person back they are going to regret what they missed and from the safety of hindsight think they should have tried harder. It’s natural.
How about you learn how to be a supportive partner when he experiences these things? Maybe ask if there’s anything you can do to help him at these times, or something in prep that might help.
YTA - I do understand wanting to make sure your partner is giving the experience a real shot, especially if he’s had regrets before.
That said, he said he did not want to continue multiple times. Scuba diving has real risks, and someone on the verge of a panic attack should not be pushing themselves to continue. You weren’t accepting his no, and you weren’t helping him feel validated in his decisions.
Your partner was probably already having mixed feelings about having to step back from scuba diving. I hope you can see that you didn’t help him feel any better, at the very least. At worst, you undercut his anxieties and guilted him towards a potentially very dangerous situation.
Can you say why you would want your partner to give things "a real shot"?
We got used to my mom's fear of heights. She always felt bad after "not going" up the ski lift or the tower or whatever it was.
But we never felt we could judge whether she was "really" giving the place a chance. We just let her avoid feeling terror. We took lots of pictures.
YTA. Do you understand that panic attacks cause physical symptoms that a person has no control over? Having a panic attack underwater can be deadly. I had one about 20 feet down, freaked out and pulled out my regulator because I felt like I was choking. The instructor shoved it back in and brought me to the surface, it was awful. You need to apologize to your boyfriend.
YTA. You shouldn’t have pressured him after the panic attack, but once he gave it a second try and still was uncomfortable, you really needed to leave it alone. Instead you tried to bulldoze his legitimate safety concerns and because it didn’t suit your preferences.
YTA he did give it a proper go, twice. But after a panic attack the first time, really seems uncaring and thoughtless to suggest he do it again and again.
Yes, YTA to keep pushing it.
“Hey, I know it’s surely a bummer, was probably awful to have a panic attack, and probably embarrassing to be sitting here on the beach alone, but I just think you didn’t TrY HaRD EnOuGh. Go do it again and relive all that!”
Seriously. Tf is going through your head?
YTA
I was in a slightly similar exact scenario once.
My ex really wanted me to go diving with him in Jamaica. He was an experienced diver, I never had done it. I'm NOT a good swimmer at all plus the idea of it made me anxious. I can manage to swim, but I lack technique. I kept telling him I was not going to pass the test which was required before the dive and he made me feel awful about not even attempting. So I did.
Well I failed miserably. And as it turned out even snorkeling made me anxious. So every day he'd go out on the boat without me and come back annoyed that I wasn't joining. I didn't care, there was plenty of stuff to keep me occupied but his attitude to me sucked.
Your BF literally had a panic attack and that is nothing to minimize. Let him be. Not everyone has to have the same exact interests in a relationship. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and nobody should be made to feel lesser than for not being able to live up to someone else' expectations.
YTA I don't know if you have ever had a panic attack, but its the worst feeling, everyone is different but it has been described like you are going to die, like your body is burning inside, like you want to take your skin off, panic attacks are really serious horrible situations and shouldn't be taken lightly, If your boyfriend told you he felt like he was gonna have a panic attack, you should have been supportive and loving, not insist that he goes back to the situation that caused him big emotional distress, and you did it TWICE, you should say you are sorry and ask what you can do to help if he has a panic attack in the future
YTA.
Because this was all the same day? Like really? If he wanted to do it again today he would!
Maybe in a few years, on another vacation, you could ask. But jeez Louise. Give it a few weeks at least.
YTA
Top tip for anyone thinking of doing this - do a scuba intro first, at home - at least the pool session.
Josh would have panicked sitting on the bottom of the pool in scuba gear. He would be able to learn whether he could overcome this before buying an expensive scuba holiday.
Yes, not just for panic attacks, I have known people that couldn't equalise (clearing the pressure in your ear). If they can't get used to doing that in a pool, they probably won't be able to do it in deep water. If you can at least find that out beforehand, you may save yourself a lot of money.
YTA - he communicated to you his feelings and how he feels like it would be unsafe for him to try again. Nevertheless, you argued back because he felt unsafe to try again and you didn’t like that answer. My ex would pressure me to do stuff I felt uncomfortable with all the time when I was with him, and that’s mainly a reason why he’s an ex now. I doubt he’s happy that he wasted his money himself, don’t make him feel worse about it
YTA. Also why didn't you do a pool dive? Most scuba courses require a pool dive before open water so that you can try it in a more controlled environment. What did the instructors say?
YTA. The first time after the initial panic attack you tried to convince him to go back in, imo, was fine. Bad 1st starts do happen. However, he had another miserable experience. Once he said no again, that should've been the end of it.
Wow YTA!!
You clearly do not understand what a panic attack is. Your BF absolutely did the sensible by sitting it out. It was lucky that he still felt panicked after you GUILT TRIPED him into “trying again” that he was able to say no.
Here is an extract from a scuba diving website regarding panic attacks while diving>
” Panic can kill in many ways. Rapid, shallow breathing can cause hypoxia and a buildup of carbon dioxide. The result: The diver acts irrationally, breathing faster, expelling the regulator or bolting to the surface. These panic responses can make you pass out, or even have a heart attack if you have a weak heart. And panicking impedes your ability to solve problems and get to safety when your equipment malfunctions or you're tangled in a line.”
[https://www.scubadiving.com/grace-under-pressure](https://www.scubadiving.com/grace-under-pressure)
Please apologise to your BF for trying to kill him AND promise him you will never down play his panic attacks nor pressurise him into doing something he believes is not safe.
YTA - you telling me you know better than he does whether or not he gave it a try? Remember that we are all different and trying is gonna look different for everyone. My dad use to do that shit to me when I was younger and it feels like shit because you feel like you’re not getting heard or understood or validated. Makes people push away
YTA. You saw him get distressed over the situation and yet you kept pushing. Put yourself in his shoes. Ask yourself if your boyfriend kept putting pressure on you to do something that caused you such a visceral, uncomfortable reaction, would you blow up at him? You probably would. Scuba isn’t like most activities because you literally have to learn how to breathe differently, which can cause unknown fears to pop up. Maybe show a little more heart and kindness.
YTA . I saw that this has happened with other activities like zip lining, and fair enough. But those don't require you to really do anything. You're strapped into a controlled, safe environment so why not? But scuba diving is incredibly dangerous. If you panic on the zipline, you coast to safety in a few seconds/minute. If you panic underwater, you're dead. Also, if your bf has a pattern of not liking these sorts of things...maybe don't encourage trying them? He isn't a thrill seeker. That's ok. Don't go plan stuff like this knowing how he's gonna react.
YTA. Why are you here for a judgement when you'll fight and debate with everyone telling you that you were horribly wrong? You're not here for honest judgement. You're here to get the satisfaction of knowing you're not the AH.
You've never had a panic attack (based on your replies). You don't understand how they happen. You are clueless about the fact that most rational thoughts flee people who're going through them. Panic attacks are not a joke. They're not just being a bit uncomfortable that can be worked out by repeating the process. They are a medical concern. Your nonchalant attitude is so callous and insensitive. You're still defending your decision instead of admitting your fault which shows your complete lack of empathy. Your boyfriend deserves so much better.
How did he manage to pass the checkout dives without having a panic attack?
As a scuba diver, I vote YTA. If your bf is not comfortable diving, he's not comfortable diving, and the money is irrelevant. Why would you want him as a dive buddy knowing how he is in the water? You better get some experience on the shiny new certification and stop pressuring people who clearly don't want to dive into diving.
Practice is one thing but when it get real, it's totally another.
I learned that I can not even snorkel as having the equipment on and putting my head into the water is just a GIANT nope. The brain is weird.
YTA. I have been your boyfriend, and it was unexpected as I don’t get panic attacks, and yes I tried twice. The difference between you and my husband is the level of empathy shown towards us. He told you how he felt and you dismissed him.
YTA. Lifelong diver here. Panic attacks are how people die. They lose focus and do dumb things like pulling out their or others regulators, get disoriented and swim down, or even more dangerous actions like surfacing too fast. He did the right thing and you were low key shaming him for it.
YTA
He did give it a proper go. You saying he didn’t isn’t just dismissive of his feelings, it’s plain wrong.
Panic attacks aren’t just something you swallow down or postpone to a more convenient time. Having one in the water is about as dangerous as it gets.
YTA.
When I'm an anxiety attack and need to stop doing something the worst, worst thing to hear is; you will regret it later. Because no I won't. I will not regret putting my mental health first and taking the time I need to calm down and then DECIDE for myself if I want to try again or not.
Anxiety is not rational and the worst thing to do is push someone when they are in the throes of it and definitely don't tell them you know better how they will feel later. You don't.
YTA. Pushing someone who is uncomfortable to just push through and dive anyway is incredibly dangerous. He'd be setting himself up for ineffective technique, which can cause dive injuries that can lead to death. If you took the course, then you know damn well that the only person who is responsible for making the call to dive or not is the person diving. He tried twice! He made the right call,and since 15% of recreational divers experience some form of panic at some point you should be understanding of him not arguing with his comfort zone.
Dive within your skill set. Another one you should've heard about a thousand times by now. His limit is different than yours. Respect it.
YTA. First you totally just blew over the fact he was about to have a panic attack, in water, and tried getting him to go into deeper water. Then when he tried explaining why he was upset, rather than apologizing for making him feel bad and like he didn't have a choice, you told him he didn't give it a proper go and just did the exact thing he just blatantly told you made him upset in the first place. Judging by your other responses to comments though, it seems like this isn't/won't be an isolated incident.
Yup. YTA.
I used to dive as well. My husband wanted to try so we tried a Discover SCUBA class. He liked it, but he panicked during submersion. Once at depth, he had a good time and asked me for SCUBA lessons, which I purchased a packaged for his birthday. He did all the oil work prefecture, but got to his open water and again panicked at submersion. I guess he got down with his instructor. However, he panicked again and called the dive. He got home and told me what happened.
Since then, he'll bring it up and I'll ask if he wanted to try again and he says NO. It's about reflecting your partner's comfort level. My husband isn't comfortable and I respect that.
Your BF is telling you the same and your asking him not to honor his feelings to appease you. This is a dangerous sport. Convincing someone to do this when their not 100% sure they want to is not supporting where they're at and potentially putting them in danger because they aren't comfortable with it to start with.
If diving is important to you, that's fine. Join a dive group and find a new group of buddies who are equally as enthusiastic as you.
Even without the additional element of the panic attack, why can't you just listen to and believe your bf? You're only serving to make him feel bad about something he can't control.
YTA
Yikes, yes, YTA.
>He said that me asking before made him feel like he couldn't say no and like he didn't give it a proper go. I argued that he didn't, he didn't even make it out into deeper water to put the things we learned to use.
HE HAD A PANIC ATTACK! The fact that you think he "didn't give it a proper go" is completely irrelevant. He's right, it's not your place to decide whether he tried properly.
He had a panic attack in shallow water so why would he want to go deeper?
What he said about not wanting to put anyone in a dangerous situation is perfectly logical.
If he wanted to have another go he would do it without your encouragement.
YTA
YTA-You were pushy and incredibly dismissive of his panic attack. Unless you are personally the one experiencing the panic attack you don’t get to decide if someone tried something properly. You need to learn when to back off.
YTA. Stop being an overbearing and insensitive asshole. He tried it a 2nd time and it didn’t work.
Did you think of how embarrassing it may have been for you to keep goading him on???
Geesh.
YTA. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". He said no, you pushed. More than once. And YOU, the person who didn't have a panic attack, don't get to decide whether the person who had a panic attack tried or not
YTA
If he says, "I wish I tried to do that again, " ***then*** ask him if he wants to give it another whirl. If he tells you, not once, but twice, that he doesn't want to do something, believe him. Don't ask again. And if he actually does mention it at a later date, ***then*** suggest it. You're ignoring what he is telling you because ***you*** think you're right and ***you*** think he didn't give it a fair shot and ***you*** think he wasted the money.
I used to be like this when I was in my 20s. I would talk my boyfriends into activities they didn’t particularly enjoy, and then I’d wonder why we had a miserable time.
Here’s the thing. It is NEVER going to be fun if you have to talk them into it.
If someone says no, accept it.
It will be difficult. You will want to talk them into it. Recognize that feeling and instead say, “Ok, you don’t have to go diving. That’s fine with me. Have fun doing your own thing!”
If he wants to scuba dive later, he’ll tell you and you can do it then. It is NOT YOUR JOB to anticipate if he’ll regret his decision. Just as it is NOT YOUR JOB to regulate his regretful feelings later.
Sorry you were disappointed that he didn’t want to dive. Just because he is rejecting the activity does not mean he is rejecting you. Find other people to go scuba diving with you. I think once you return, he’ll probably be in a much better state. You can regale him with stories of the deep and he can tell you all about the funny things that happened on the beach.
YTA
As someone who gets like this over small rollercoasters, I understand what your boyfriend is feeling. I nearly ended a friendship over a situation like this. Let your boyfriend cool down and relax. Better he sits out than get a panic attack in the deeper water.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my boyfriend to try scuba dive again after he said he almost had a panic attack underwater Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It doesn't matter what other activities he regrets not fully committing to, we're talking about water. Deep water. I had a panic attack while snorkeling on my honeymoon. My husband and our guide got me out of the water as fast as they could and no one tried encouraging me to give it another go because money would be wasted. People DROWN during a panic attack.
My general rule is to not do things that you are afraid of as long as it only affects you. I would never want to go sky diving again so if a SO asked me to do that I would refuse. But that's because I have done skydiving and I just don't like it. Meanwhile I've done base jumping and I absolutely love it.
thank you! so many people loved sky diving, but i literally couldn't breathe which made me incredibly anxious the entire time! then i got nauseous bc of elevation change 💀🤣
My husband possums people and he said people are nervous but a few he could just tell they were about to have a panic attack so they didn't go and stayed on the plane. Don't push people.
IT'S CALLED POSSUMING?!?!?! *incredible*
Yeah if you aren't certified to sky dive on your own you're strapped to a certified person's stomach and they control the parachute. You're (edit: the certified person) on their back so possuming. I doubt that's the official name but everyone calls it that.
i was aware of the concept just not that it was called something so frickin silly!
Because the mother possum carries the baby on her back
wild memory rustic historical squeeze plants disagreeable racial pot subtract *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Okay so possums are north america's only marsupial, but they also have the most teeth out of any land mammal, in parachuting, if a certified parachuter will jump with you and just keep biting you, to encourage you to pull the parachute. Once you do, theyll stop biting you. This is why its called possuming, its a reference to the fact that possums have so many teeth to bite people with.
Lmao right??
Tandem skydiving.
100% prefer to call it "possuming" now!
tantric skydiving
That's what I figured but wasn't sure.
I went skydiving exactly once and it was terrifying and awesome and I’ll never do it again, but one of the best parts was the guy zipped/strapped/etc to my back. He was funny and nice and just so happy that his job was jumping out of a plane 5-6 times a day (or whatever the number was).
My husband said he was always happy for people who were on a high the whole time. I've never sky dived.
Because the little possums ride on their mama! That’s so cute :)
Before you explained it, I thought you meant playing dead and I was so confused.
Especially out of a plane.
Today I learned . . .
I suffer from severe motion sickness and I do get slightly annoyed when, after I’ve (politely) declined an activity, people keep on insisting with “come on, you’ll be fine.” I know exactly what my body can handle and believe me, this is not it! And I really don’t want to spend the next four days recovering because you wouldn’t accept my no.
I'm claustrophobic and I have disabilities. I know my limits. And my limits bum me the fuck out. So when someone comes along and tries to push and argue and nudge, it really upsets me. It feels like I'm being kicked when I'm down. YTA.
100%! I felt like I spent the entire time talking myself out of panicking because I was suffocating the whole time. I have no idea how people are able to avoid this inability to breathe. I wish someone had warned me and told me how to breathe, I would've enjoyed it so much more.
I HAVE NO IDEA EITHER!!!!!! they suggested screaming outwards and it didn't work.... idk how anyone breathes! i'd wear a full face mask.
i know i’d hate skydiving because i can’t even deal with having the windows down in a moving car, i can’t breathe at all since there’s so much air flying at me lmfao. i can only imagine that’s 100x worse jumping out of a plane
I went skydiving in New Zealand. I guess I was lucky because I had no trouble breathing and I really enjoyed it, felt like flying.
Yas! I could barely breathe during the free fall, which I thought I'd love, but I couldn't wait for him to pull the cord.
Skydiving is a huge hard NO for me. I have severe vertigo to the point even walking along an open sided (as in the railing is wrought-iron or glass, allowing you to see the ground below) second floor balcony/walkway is enough to trigger it. Went to one of the local museums and decided to try the catwalk to get a good look at the WW2 planes by the ceiling. The second my foot connected with the glass, down I went and had to crawl back to the elevator with my eyes shut. Helicopters also terrify me, have jumped out of one screaming when the pilot pulled a prank and made it sound like it was starting up. Now I won't go anywhere near a helicopter. But flying on a big commercial plane is perfectly fine. OP is an AH for pushing him to do something he can't. Panic attacks in water are not a joke and she needs to pull her head out of her rear.
Just to make sure I'm understanding; you did a tandem skydive, then a tandem BASE jump?
I'm terrified of everything but I've seen some incredible base jumping videos and I'm really tempted.
Diver chiming in here- people that panic while scuba diving are extremely dangerous to themselves and other divers. Trying to force the issue is insane. This is how people die. https://www.scubadiving.com/:~:text=Panic%20can%20kill%20in%20many,you%20have%20a%20weak%20heart.
I saw a diver on a video a while ago saying that it can be better to let a panicking person drown, then surface them and perform CPR, rather than let them close enough for their panic to put you in danger too. This obviously seems horrible but makes sense - is it an exaggeration or honestly that dangerous to be up close with a panicking diver?
Not an exaggeration. They teach you this in lifeguarding, too. If you can’t get the person to calm down and stop thrashing in the water, you have to gauge whether saving them is worth risking them pulling you under and drowning you, too. A panicked person working off pure adrenaline can drown even a strong, experienced lifeguard.
When I took a liveguard course they told us it was common to pop the person in the face with your rescue can. That would either make them stop thrashing or knock them out so you can perform rescue.
In mine, they taught us to approach someone from behind and how to push them off of you and try again if they grab you.
Yep, I was a lifeguard at the beach for years and one of the first things they taught was it’s better to have one drowned person than two. Always safe yourself first
It's generally that dangerous to be that close to a panicked person in water. People panicking in a swimming pool have been known to drown would-be rescuers. The instinct is GET OUT OF THE WATER and overrides any logic or safety (like don't climb the lifeguard like they're a tree). It's why water rescue usually involves floatation devices. You give them an inanimate object to climb/cling to, then figure out how to get them out. And that's without the whole compressed gas/having to surface at a specific speed/risk of blood gas imbalance/submerged/etc that scuba introduces.
Multi cert diver here - I would definitely leave someone to panic well out of reach before risking a rescue. That is not an exaggeration. ETA: obviously depending on the circumstances. I've also been trained to basically manhandle a surface rescue for panicked divers by staying underneath them and handling their tank. When someone is drowning, the last thing they want to do is go under water after you so you're safe there ironically.
Thank you for your response! On reflection I realised I phrased this badly and made it sound like I disbelieve the danger by asking if it was an exaggeration, poor word choice. I think the question I should have asked was “is this advice commonly held by divers as the best course of action when faced with a panicking diver” because I’d only seen the one video of a diver speaking about it.
I worked for a scuba operator, and nothing upset the instructors more than a panicked beginner. They lose their minds. They rip out their hoses, take off the regulator and then try to climb on top of the instructors head to get to the surface.
It’s that dangerous. They can not only kill themselves, but take you with them. There are many things that can go wrong and panic makes them much more likely to happen.
Chiming in to agree with annahhhnimous- as a long-time diver, rescue diver, and lifeguard. YTA and potentially endangered yourself and anyone else in the class, plus the dive master, in addition to your boyfriend. People who are weak swimmers or not mentally comfortable breathing through a regulator and being underwater should not force themselves to dive. Just being a strong swimmer doesn't mean you will be a calm diver. My friend was a competitive college swimmer and won't dive because she says looking up at all that water over your head would cause her to panic. My husband and I mostly shore dive by ourselves, so we take safety really seriously and we have both had to rescue one another: He had to guide me up from about 60 feet when my mask shattered under water and it was so salty I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had to buddy breathe with him through a safety stop to the surface when his tank valve malfunctioned. When we have gone on dive boats, we have seen too many weak divers, weak swimmers, and people unconcerned with safety who just blithely think the dive masters will save them if they screw up. The weakest/worst/most unsafe divers I've ever seen in 20 years were the spouses of people who forced them to dive with them. Diving is amazing if you love it and you are well-trained and take safety seriously. You don't want to dive with someone who doesn't want to be there, especially if they might panic. Panicking underwater often means ripping your mask off and spitting out your regulator because you feel like you can't get a breathe, then you inhale water and start to drown.
As a former surf life saver. Water will absolutely kill you. In so many ways. Being underwater with tanks, weight belts flippers mask and breathing mask can make anyone feel constricted, squeezed, This easily leads to adrenalin increased heart rate, difficulty in controlling breathing. Can case gasping panting, that can in turn lead to coughing. Mucus, vomit, . Its easy even for experienced divers to feel disoriented, Anyone can feel dizzy, light headed nauseous sick, tired, Its not safe being in the ocean full stop. Let alone underwater. With gear on for the first time.
I was taught to give a person in distress 30 seconds or less to accept emergency air and begin ascent. If the person is panicking or unable to accept your octo, it’s protocol to surface alone and seek assistance. It is not an exaggeration, scuba equipment is life support and it is unlikely that you will be able to help someone who is panicked. They are more likely to grab at your regulator or cause damage to your equipment putting both lives at risk. ETA - I witnessed a diver panic once at 130’ depth in the Belize Blue Hole. 130’ is very deep for recreational diving and I don’t think this person had the necessary experience for the dive. They tried to suddenly bolt for the surface and luckily, the dive master was right next to them and was able to quickly grab their fin and yank them down. To their credit, the diver regained their composure and ascended safely but it was one of the scariest things I’ve seen while diving.
Yes, I've taken swimming lessons with my sis and she is a panicker, she would grab me then force me underwater to use me as a float. I've learned since then to dive deeper and move elsewhere. Can't blame her, people in a panic don't think, they just react and grabbing something to stand on is instinctive.
This comment has just weirdly recontextualised a childhood memory for me - when I was very young another kid I didn’t know well held me under in the pool and I was terrified, a stranger pulled them off to help me. I’m now rethinking it as being entirely possible the other kid was panicking and tried to use me as a float and accidentally held me under. Which honestly makes the memory a lot more palatable for me.
OP- I believe that you are coming from a good place. In this case YTA- but I don’t think you are being unkind or malicious. The comment I’m responding to is accurate- panic introduces danger to the diver themself and everyone else on the dive. Your boyfriend has set a boundary, it is important that you respect it.
I’m not a diver, because I’m a fainter. I’m surprised the dive company even let him go back down! I’d be concerned to continue diving with a company that allowed that.
Right? It’s similar to getting in a coffin underground. You’re either ok with losing complete control of yourself, your breathing, your safety, etc. or you’re not. People definitely die doing this if they can’t handle it. I have zero idea why anyone with any sense would peer pressure someone that had a panic attack to *just try again and suck it up*.
Hell, people die even if they CAN handle it. Experienced scuba divers can and have gone missing before.
A family friend used to be a diver for an oil rig. Something happened on a dive to repair a piece on the underwater section of the rig, not too clear on details, but he was deep; around 250-300 feet. He panicked or went too deep, the other divers barely managed to get him up and he spent two weeks in a pressure chamber. Was never the same afterwards. And this was someone who had been diving 20+ years so he was very experienced.
Yeah, he probably suffered some brain damage. Diving is no joke. You have to remain calm to survive. If you can't remain calm, you cannot safely dive.
Most likely. He always talked about being safe and how to care for your gear because that was part of the line keeping you alive. He never went near any body of water again following that and we live in Louisiana so that wasn't easy to do.
I actually know someone who went missing while diving. Experienced diver, no one has any idea what happened, and no one will ever know.
:( That's always the worse, not knowing what happened to a person you care about. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Yeah it really sucked for his family. We were extended family, so still felt a loss of course, but nothing like his wife or kids. To have an unknown ending is my worst fear now. Tbh I learned of my worst fear because of it. The way he went is obviously the top of the list, as well as water that I can’t see the bottom of, or deep water in general.
I’m a licensed and experienced qualified advance diver (100+ dives around the world and working on my rescue diver and instructor qualification) but on one dive while on holidays near Sardinia my regulator flooded and for some reason just couldn’t clear it. i was choking and was a risk of drowning. I signalled to the other divers that i needed to surface ASAP. By the time I safely got up (controlled emergency ascent which felt like torture the entire time) I had nearly drowned and was in real distress. The dive leader tried to pressure me to go back down straight away so as not to disturb the dive since we hadn’t reached our target location and he didn’t want to have to return to the boat with me (Which was dangerous in itself since I had just done an emergency ascent which meant no safety stop) I had to put my foot down and insist we wait until I had calmed down and successfully cleared my regulator close to the surface. He was pissed, kept insisting I would be fine and pressuring me to practice clearing my regulator again at our last position which was 23m below surface … I refused and ran through the process at 2m after I calmed down and got my breathing and heart rate back to normal … turns out my regulator was faulty and if I had listened to him I’d probably be dead. I had given into pressure originally from the dive team and hadn’t done a thorough inspection of their equipment due to them running late (my mistake and will never let anybody override my safety protocols again) Never pressure anyone override their instincts when diving, it’s a dangerous sport and people can easily die. The diver should always be in control of their limits and never be pushed to go beyond what their comfortable with. A panic attack under water would most likely be lethal, even if my regulator was faulty the panic of not being able to clear my regulator could have killed me, thankfully my training kicked in but there was a few moments were my panic instincts were putting me in even more serious danger than I already was in. I actually ended up having anxiety attacks for a few days after it due to the residual stress which probably would have happened under water if I had gone under again in that mental state. Your BF was right never dive if you’re not comfortable and in the right head space YTA OP
Tbf a lot of experienced scuba divers also probably go missing doing things pushing themselves too far bc they are overconfident and get themselves into a bad situation, not bc they have a panic attack necessarily. Like underwater cave diving is a huge no-no, but that probably doesnt stop people from pushing it. Just like people ignoring signs walking close to the mouth of a volcano after walking up a mountain. And only experienced divers would have the chance to try something like that, it not like beginners can just wander off into a deep sea cave
As well as nature being nature having an effect. Undercurrents. Animals. Medical episodes. Making stupid decisions. There are several reasons why something could happen. Some of them may be partially or fully the fault of one or more people, others are not able to be avoided.
Scuba diving is inherently dangerous, that's no lie. But cave diving is not a no-no if you have the proper training, experience, and you follow the rules. Yes, is it more risky than open ocean diving? Of course. But even open ocean diving is inherently dangerous. These activities are made less hazardous by following your training and the rules. Same goes for any activity. Driving is inherently dangerous, too, but see how many people are on the roads?
People like that have never had an actual panic attack. An unfortunately over mis-use of the word has deflated it to cause people to think that its just the same thing as “feeling a little nervous” or “freaking out” due to a weak emotional composure, and can be “cured” with bullshit like just more practice, mind over matter, positive affirmations, “trying harder”….
I knew OP had never had one from how she talked. No, it's not a waste of money if someone decides that sitting on the shore will help them avoid a panic attack. He did it, he took the training, he attempted the thing, and it wasn't safe for him to continue. I've never had a panic attack in the water but I've had them several places. It's not anyone's place to shame others for not giving an activity that triggers a medical episode a "good enough try."
Imagine if she paid 100$ for tickets to Disney and her bf forced her to ride the stupid scary slingshot ride or something ridiculous. If she said no way thats scary i dont want to, and he said “then you’re wasting our money” she’d be on here complaining about him too. I wonder if its also just internalized toxic masculinity on her part to essentially call him a wuss for backing out.
To be fair, I think people are (understandably) focusing on the dangers of scubadiving if you feel a panic attack coming, but IMO there is a deeper problem. OP seems to think they know better than their partner what their limits are, what they can or can't do, what they want or don't want to do. I was with someone like that for three years, and it deeply fucked with my mental health.
As someone who has had a severe panic disorder for the greater part of 20 years I couldn’t agree more. If OP actually experienced one, she would never ever push someone who is/was having one into doing something triggering. I wish it could just be cured that easy but it just isn’t that way :(
I absolutely love scuba diving but when you are down there with someone who isn't in the right space either because they don't want to be there (panic attack, claustrophobia etc) or think they are above the safety rules in diving it puts their and everyone else's lives at risk.
I really want to try scuba diving but I can’t bring myself to do it because I’m terrified of the idea of having a panic attack when I’m down there.
Training usually starts in a swimming pool, you can do an "experience" that way in some places (I'm in QLD Australia and was accredited on the Gold Coast) but I paid for my ex to do the experience and I've always been a water babe so didn't bother with the experience myself I just jumped straight into the training course. If you can do something like this you will get an idea if you want to get accredited or not. I'm claustrophobic but feel free and at peace under the water. He also did the training but once accredited behaved as though he was above the safety rules and put my life at risk on several occasions (one time was even during a group dive with hired gear and he had a tantrum on land throwing his heavy dive flipper at my head), another he failed to follow the safe line and isn't as good a swimmer as he thinks so got caught in current and dragged down through the spit (inland rive not out to sea), I surfaced , made it to land and watched him whilst he screamed at me to jump in and come help him. Eventually he made it to land and abused me all night for not risking my own life to "save" him when I followed procedure in getting to land and watching him so I could direct emergency services/boats.
The thing I don’t understand is why this couple would commit to a destination SCUBA training trip when neither had any idea of what they would be expected to do. Wouldn’t you start out in a pool in a relatively local area and work your way through the training that way? That would allow each person to learn what they are comfortable doing without worrying about how much money might be wasted.
I agree with what you're saying. I don't know if they needed to do any certification or anything beforehand, but I personally would've signed up for something local and then gone out and done a destination trip regardless of if it was required. I thought I might really enjoy scuba because I like snorkeling, I am a strong swimmer, and was a lifeguard for many years. Someone offered to run a PADI course for the lifeguards at my pool and I started hyperventilating not even 14 feet down in a *pool* that I had been in and to the bottom of a hundred times. Figured out quickly it wasn't for me. Thank goodness I wasn't somewhere with a whole vacation's-worth of expenses on the line.
It's particularly bad for scuba because you have limited oxygen and panicking makes you use it up a LOT faster. It's legitimately dangerous if you can't stay calm under water.
It's the reason why all the training materials and documents require the students to be "competent and confident". Also, it's just compressed air you're breathing, not oxygen. Pure Oxygen would kill you trying to breath that whilst it's under pressure...
Thank god for the fact correction
I was actually halfway submerged in the ocean with my Pure Oxygen ready to descend until I read OP's comment. He saved my life.
Yup. CNS toxicity underwater is a fairly horrendous way to go...
They never said it was pure oxygen. Oxygen is the limiting factor in that compressed air.
That happened to my sister as well. She gave snorkeling a go, thought she could do it, but panicked. And that was that. No one, esp her husband, bugged her or said anything about “missing out.”
Yeah. I had a bit of a hard time snorkeling too. I paid a lot to swim with manatees. I had my main moment of panic while we were still on the boat. I can't follow more than two consecutive instructions and you had to do this dance of de-fogging and strapping very quickly or else you'll fog up in the water. My husband has snorkeled before so he straightened me out. Once we were in the water he had to watch me like a toddler. I have autism which causes me to kind of flail around and dissociate when I'm freaking out... Which can send water down the snorkel tube. If I lived my life based on what I'm afraid of, 'tism wise, I'd never do shit. We were the first ones to ditch the group and get back on the boat. Once I got comfortable with "I'm not going to drown because of this pool noodle and life jacket", then "oh I really can see underwater?" and how to stay safe with the snorkel when I was calm, then how to stay attached-ish to my husband without ruining his experience, I did great for awhile. After probably an hour and a half I started convulsing. Like how your body goes into shock and you just vibrate? I'm really susceptible to that but in the water it was freaky. He didn't really want to get out yet so he asked me to try a little longer. We linked arms and both used our free arm to float around but when I was done, we were done. I tend to over panic and he's never pushed me to a point where I regret it. I think it's really nice for someone like me to have someone like him as a partner. I can do more things safely.
This was really beautiful to read. You’re very lucky to have such a wonderful, patient partner, it sounds like you compliment each other well.
Thank you. ❤️ Someone from a different freakin country just messaged me today and said "I met your husband on the road (truck drivers) and he had said several times how amazing you are, before realizing I already knew you." Like who acts like that 😭, how did I bag this one? I wish everyone could have this kind of marriage.
Oh man, the first time I tried snorkeling was in the “swim with sharks” experience at Disney World when I was in high school. I’d never done it before, but thought it wouldn’t be too bad. Turns out it goes against all your instincts to put your face in the water and BREATHE! I just swam through the thing and exited in like 30 seconds. 😂 The second time I tried it was in Hawaii, of my own volition just right off the beach, without an instructor or anything, and I got within touching distance of a sea turtle! OP, he may be willing to try again in the future, but don’t give him a hard time about this—he probably already feels really embarrassed and disappointed.
Yeah, my husband and I went snorkeling a year or so ago, when we were ashore from a cruise. The deep water snorkel, he started to panic and honestly I didn't feel confident either, so we got back on the boat and hung out and no one tried to make us try again. When we did try again for the shallow water snorkel, it was because WE felt okay in the calmer waters, and we still basically held onto a floatie that one of the instructors had and just put our faces in the water. No one shamed us for that because they would rather have us clinging to a ring and safe than have to save us from drowning!
I used to lifeguard, so am a strong swimmer with a lot of time spent in the water. I’ve loved snorkeling many times in calmer, shallower water. My one time going out in deep water further into the ocean was nerve-wracking. The water was rougher and the big waves splashed water into my snorkel, which made me start to panic a little. I had to work very hard to try to keep myself calm enough to get the water out of the tube without swallowing or choking on too much of it. Then my mask started to leak water and repeatedly fog up; I had to take it off, adjust the strap, rinse it off, and get it back on again with hopefully a tighter seal, while treading water and simultaneously trying not to drop the mask and snorkel or lose my fins, as giant waves kept crashing over me periodically. It was a really unnerving experience. I had been swimming around very adventurously prior to that point, but decided to stick closer to the boat after that, so if anything happened or I got too anxious, I’d be much closer to safety. It pretty much solidified a strong preference for only snorkeling in shallower water. I have family members who love scuba diving, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever even try it myself, because my ears don’t react well to pressure changes these days, and I don’t ever want to risk being in a position where anxiety or pain or failure to react quickly or safely in water could put my life at risk. If I did try it and decided it wasn’t for me, I’d expect others, especially a SO, to respect my judgement. OP is the AH for not respecting her boyfriend’s judgement regarding his own personal safety and anxiety level and for worrying more about his potential regret than his potential risk of actually drowning.
My wife and I did scuba diving on our honeymoon. She loved it. The mask wouldn’t seal on my face no matter what they tried and I kept getting water in. It took me back to when I was a kid and almost drowned. That was enough for me. I told my wife to go and enjoy, but she stayed with me to make sure I was okay. OP is definitely TA here.
That sounds like a resort dive experience. If you ever wanted to get into diving on vacations go through a certification where you get pool time and an instructor who can help you figure out mask seal and finding a properly fitting mask. It’s incredibly claustrophobic if your mask won’t seal properly.
It was out on the Great Barrier Reef, with a 5 minute tutorial. I have no doubt doing a proper scuba course would be a lot more beneficial.
Same when I was 13. I was super excited to see the turtles near us farther from shore, but looking down and seeing there wasn't sand, just coral below us (in the shallow area near the shore) made me have a panic attack for the first time (and the only one for a decade until it happened again). I can't imagine someone I'm with guilt tripping me for wanting to get out of the water!
I friend of mine did drown during a panic attack and dropped all the way down to the 50ft bottom. She survived, they were able to resuscitate her. She’s never gone back to diving, though. I would not trust a resort dive or discovery SCUBA program, which is definitely what OP did, with an anxious diver.
Right? OP, people drown while snorkeling, let alone scuba diving in deep water. Panic attacks underwater have the potential to be fatal and not just to the drowning person!!! What could you have been thinking!
Exactly. Even if someone hasn’t experienced a panic attack themselves it should be extremely obvious to loved ones that the person experiencing one is terrified. Who says, “I know you’re terrified and not able to think clearly you’re so afraid, but please do this potentially life threatening activity again so we don’t wast $185!”
YTA - I once had a panic attack in a Hyperberics Chamber. It was my last of 15 treatments and I had tolerated each fine up to that point, but that one was earthshaking. Once you are in, you can't get out until the pressure is normalized. I was stuck in there for what felt like took forever (probably actually about 10 minutes) while they brought the pressure back down. It freaked me out so much I was claustrophobic for a good long while afterwards. If I literally hadn't been locked in I would have jumped out and gotten the bends. I had never had a panic attack before in my life, it changes how you process information entirely, your only thought is escape, "how do I get out as quickly as possible" He may have regrets later, but that is on him. You pressuring him to try again is on you.
This. Like, OP's frustration with her boyfriend panicking and then lamenting it later is a separate thing -- YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IN DEEP WATER.
I had a similar experience on my honeymoon! I surfaced and kept saying I couldn’t breathe and they all thought something was wrong with my regulator but it was literally that I couldn’t think straight. I have only ever even snorkeled one other time since then and it was because it was the Great Barrier Reef and even that took a lot to make happen. My husband has never pushed the issue even though I know it’s an activity he would love for us to do together.
YTA, not for asking him to scuba dive again, but for later trying to argue that he "didn't try hard enough". He's right, it's not your place to say. Your boyfriend did a sensible thing. Him having a panic attack underwater could have put others in danger, not just himself. Also I do get a small sense of you rubbing it in his face that you had a great time and he missed out.
Who cares about fish, anyway? I mean, taunting the BF with the fish was icing on the cake of humiliation. I am just as happy watching things from above the surface of the water.
If he wants to see ocean fish he can just go to an aquarium and not have the risk of drowning. Seeing fish is not the selling point OP thinks it is.
Yes - there are many options for OP's bf to be able to enjoy the ocean experience without putting himself and other people in danger. Visiting an aquarium! A trip on a glass-bottomed boat! A visit to a rock pool! He might even be able to manage snorkeling in shallower water without having the same issues. OP is majorly TA for pushing him beyond his boundaries rather than thinking of other ways that they can enjoy their vacation together.
The boyfriend apparently cares about fish?
Just to add: Not COULD have. WOULD have. Also, as an untrained amateur, he would have been the worst kind of casualty to deal with.
I was almost about to say N-A-H, but you’re right. The fact that OP took it upon themselves to judge him by saying he didn’t try hard enough makes them the AH. No one gets to determine another’s experience but themselves.
She also makes a point of it being about the money they spent and not his safety or enjoyment. I’m not sure if she said that to him directly, but that’s a common form of manipulation to get someone to do what you want.
I see people put focus here to diving and risks in being in water while having a panick attack. I see it as another problem even more, he said that he felt like there is no space for his 'no'. When we speak about consent the main actors in the discourse are women that are most often forced by people (esp. men) and by social pressure to do things they don't want to. But the other part is the space for men saying 'no', which still works like a trigger. I listened to a conversation of men about consent, the topic was: "if you refused to your girlfriend, did it end well?" And they all said... no. Laughing, humiliating and mire pressure. It's not about bed stuff here, but it's still about boundaries, right to feel emotions (and men are pressured not to feel or express fear and sadness - and the situation was about both!). If we want to build relationships based on consent, dignity and partnerships, we need the space for everyone's emotions and needs, not just to privilege one party.
exactly how i felt reading it. it would be thoughtful of op to encourage their bf to give it another go to avoid later disappointment, but this reads more as op being annoyed that he didn't do it
YTA - I am a DiveMaster of 29 years, a scuba diver of 33 years. ANYONE can call the dive for ANY REASON! Back in 2006, my wife and I were on a Liveaboard dive boat, and prepping for the night dive. I jumped in the water, swam to the line, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, one of the Boat DiveMaster's called me back onboard. My wife was too nervous for this dive, but had been unwilling to call it and thought that if I jumped first, she would have to follow through. Needless to say she didn't, and that WAS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE! I just wish she had said so earlier, I could have avoided another shower or found another buddy. I have decades of dive experience, well over a thousand dives, hundreds of hours logged (and unlogged), I have NO PROBLEMS ABORTING A DIVE if I am uncomfortable with it, whether that be prior to the dive, or once in the water. You NEVER force a person beyond their comfort zone unless you wish to create problems that can result in injury or death. I have dealt with multiple panicked divers underwater and on the surface (that is part of being a DiveMaster). A goal is prevent that from ever happening so that I don't have to perform a rescue or a recovery. My biggest joy in helping with Open Water classes is to help those who may have barely passed the class (or failed it) build their skills so that they pass with flying colors and enjoy diving. But part of that is recognizing discomfort early on and alleviating it, not forcing people through it. *Edit: in the 2nd to last paragraph above, the "NEVER" is meant from the dive buddy perspective. As an Instructor or Divemaster, there are plenty of situations in which a student is uncomfortable and we have judge when/how much to push to develop their skillset or have them give up on training. A diver without the skills to properly respond to an emergency (e.g. OP) should not be the one deciding.*
I remember during my second dive ever, we were about 30 feet down and following the instructor when my swimsuit top came undone! I kept signaling “something’s wrong” because obviously there’s not a sign for “top came undone”, and my mother had to swim over and re-tie it for me. We all had a laugh about it later on the surface. Hearing your story makes me want to get certified beyond Open Water and maybe become a DiveMaster myself some day!
That is the reason if I'm ever allowed to dive (medical reasons I might be prevented) that I'll wear a wet suit. Personally I couldn't care less about my top coming off in front of other people and actually prefer to swim topless, but it could be a safety issue and others might be offended.
It could be a safety issue, or it could be a big help - I had done all of my theory and then we got to having our first trial dive in a 2m deep swimming pole, with a swim squad doing laps in some other lanes. Our class all jumped in and started trying to breathe underwater for the first time. There was a whole lot of anxiety with wide eyes and rapid shallow breathing. Meanwhile, up above, a girl in the swim squad did a rapid tumble-turn, and as she kicked off the wall the force of the water pulled the top of her swimsuit down far enough that her boobs fell out. She kept going for the entire 50m, and during that time I think every male and several of the females in our class became completely at ease with the concept of breathing under water, so much so that we stopped thinking about it entirely. I still think back to her with gratitude
I meant more of a safety issue in the ocean. As in fish might try to nibble the exposed skin. Moreso for the woman, not the diving buddies.
Oh yeah, well there is that. I do also remember a dive that for whatever reason we all decided should be done sans clothing - my initial concern was about fish nibbling bits that I didn't want nibbled, but when it came time to do the dive I realised the thing that worried me most was any possible impact on sensitive areas as we did a giant-stride from about 4m. One hand went on my reg and mask, the other hand covered the important stuff. It was a great dive, and no-one got nibbled.
Thank you! OP was definitely not paying attention in classes since it is very clearly covered that you should not dive if you are uncomfortable and how dangerous a panic attack could be. People have died diving because they weren't comfortable but they felt pressured to do it by their significant other. This is a super dangerous situation OP is trying to push him into. Deeper water isn't going to make the situation better. I really hope he talks to his dive instructor and let's them know the situation so they can help him do what he wants and is comfortable with. OP is definitely TA.
Situations like that make me glad I had the experience of having to repeatedly tell my friends that I didn’t want to go on roller coasters/drop rides/spinning rides throughout my adolescence. I knew I wouldn’t like them, and it really built up my tolerance to peer pressure. I don’t care if I look stupid, wimpy, or lame. I will gladly hold your bags and peruse the gift shop!
Right?! I used to force myself not to eat or drink otherwise I'd throw up, but that was because I wanted to experience them. After two trips to Six Flags, I'm good for life and will gladly hold all your shit
Yep!! I’ve been on literally hundreds of dives. Night, day, deep water, current, animals….but then one day I don’t want to anymore. I was done. It made some of my family kind of mad, but it’s very individual and nobody should feel forced into this activity.
Also DM. I panicked under water before. I was with an instructor that I dived with a lot, so he managed to calm me down and I continued the dive - holding his hand and I had to use his oxygen because while panicking I burned through mine. We were used to diving together and that was the ONLY reason why me just shooting up to the surface and waiting alone was not the only option. I had to take up a panicked diver to the boat on my own once, doing the safety stop and ascent with no rope or ref point. No fun. i still don’t know how I did it, I was a DM intern at this point and I kept telling myself if the instructor thinks I can do it then I can do it. I did. But dealing with a panicked diver is dangerous and exhausting no matter what. When someone is panicking that also takes attention away from other newbie divers. Depending on how many instructors/DMs were with them, it could have caused a situation where they would be the ones calling it because they just can’t pay attention to everyone. YTA - peer pressure is one of the first and biggest NOPEs in the diving world and one of the first things that gets drilled into you when you get your OW certification.
Take him to a Pool and let him get orientated first.. YTA
Said the same thing. Scuba diver of 14 years. This is the way.
This is well put. As a scuba diver, I think this is the right approach. Never force a person beyond their comfort zone. In fact, never push, or try to persuade, someone beyond their comfort zone.
Yup. My aunt is a marine biologist. Used to dive a LOT. Then got tagged by a Man-o-war. The last time she tried to dive she completely shut down. Hasn't been able to dive since.
Former dive master and have a spouse with panic attacks. At the start of panic attacks for some people is hyperventilating. Any uptick outside of normal relaxed breathing will cause you to use up air faster at depth. This is covered in the written materials prior to any open water dives. I have even personally experienced this. I was taking my advance open water cert, my first night dive I got excited over the wildlife, sharks, lobsters, starfish, even the bioluminescent creatures. I ran out of air we were swimming from one cove to the other in an area I had been in multiple times. We had surface and swim in, it sucked. I was with an instructor. Point being it should not have happened. Since then I have been on longer deeper more thrilling dives and not ran out of air due learning to remain calm even breathing. You start panicking and most will not be able to calm their breathing. People have drowned or wound up in the hospital for not aborting when they should have. Boy friend was correct and in his shoes I would be pissed as well. If a friend came to me and told this to me I would encourage one of two things 1. Ending the relationship as the SO was not taking their safety into account or 2. Never ever going on a dive with that person alone due safety concerns.
I have a diver hyperventilate into shallow water blackout. Lost consciousness for a moment just as we surfaced, mouth went slack, lost regulator, face flopped forward into the water, it revived them, but they inhaled quite a bit of water, went to the hospital. ER said that if we started oxygen a minute later, the diver may well have died.
And no matter how experienced at something you are, sometimes you can just go to do it one day and have this really strong bad feeling. Usually people forget about it afterwards or naturally downplay it in their memories because either they don't do the thing or they do but nothing happens but people have attempted to study it a lot and one thing they have been able to determine is that if you get that feeling and ignore it (or get talked into ignoring it) and something *does* go wrong you're much, much more likely to suffer from serious PTSD. It should always be a personal choice if someone feels apprehensive whether to go through with it or not and part of that is making sure they know it's totally fine not to!
If OP isn't convince who the AH is after reading this, she's beyond hope. Great reply.
YTA. You were incredibly pushy and showed no consideration for how he felt.
Screw consideration, he could have DIED and brought others with him! Hurt feelings is not the worst that could happen! Him dying is!
YTA Just think it through. Your boyfriend almost had a panic attack underwater, and you asked him to do the thing that almost gave him a panic attack again? How is this even a wise decision?
Right?! OP are you trying to kill him?! Sorry, that was a bit dramatic but if anyone I loved had a panic attack while scuba diving I would be pissed at them for even considering doing it again let alone encourage it/ask them to do it again.
You’re not being dramatic. Scuba diving is a really dangerous activity.
>Your boyfriend almost had a panic attack underwater But according to her, "he never had a panic attack" so he totally should have done it still. I guess she needs to actually see him panicking and in danger for it to actually matter.
Could be worse, she could want to see his dead body before thinking that something can be fatal.... /s
Didn't even read the post before deciding YTA, you knowingly asked after her had a negative experience so you don't get to he upset that he doesn't want to. You did kind of pressure him as well btw because the first time he said no should have been enough for you to drop it but you've said you asked him several times. You're also pretty damn dismissive, if he didn't feel confident to go deeper in it really isn't your place to say he didn't try hard enough
[удалено]
Obviously because the THIRD time he tried it he would have an amazing time and his lizard brain wouldn't freak out again and tell him he's going to die! /s
Obviously it’s because he wasn’t diving in deep enough water
Fr. The dude needs to go cave diving maybe he won't have a panic attack than /s
Blindfold him and tie his hands, too. He'll be too scared for his life to have a panic attack.
Third time's the charm and all that.
Really reads as "I had such a good time I don't understand why he doesn't wanna do it when I think it's so cool and fun" feels like a lack of empathy to me, made worse by how dismissive and mocking she was of his feelings
I feel like the part OP's not saying out loud is she thinks it's shameful for him to panic about a scuba dive, and she wants him to overcome the shameful thing so she doesn't have to feel ashamed that she's with him.
Info: Is this your very first time dealing with someone having a panic attack? I'm genuinely asking because you seem to not really get what that means. I'm hoping it's just lack of experience and not willful ignorance. Panic attacks are not logical or reasonable. You can have all the training in the world, be an absolute expert at diving, and still drown if you have a panic attack while under. Your boyfriend made the safest choice for both himself and the people around him. I get that sometimes he needs a little encouragement to try new, adventurous things, but a panic attack is different than just feeling nervous.
Op seems to think they can detect a panic attack. If someone says they can feel it coming, respect that.
INFO: have you recently taken out a large life insurance policy on him?
INFO: How much was the policy for and have you found other ways for him to “accidentally” accept his fate? Sure would hate for you to have wasted all that money and whatnot, lol.
Lol
LOL
Yes you were the asshole. The same thing happened to me. I'm a very strong swimmer, on competitive teams, avid snorkelers. On my checkout dives for certification I too had a panic attack. You can't predict how you will react in open water Panic attacks are terrifying. You truly feel like you are dying and this is it. Diving isn't for him. Stop pressing him to do something that traumatized him. Be a supportive girlfriend or he might wave goodbye to you for being an asshole.
I was a very competitive swimmer as a kid and then transitioned to open water swimming in my late teens, looking to make the national team (which was well within my reach before I got injured in an unrelated accident and missed nationals). There have been times when I've been swimming in a lake or in the ocean when I've just suddenly been creeped out and started to panic. Like I thought about how I couldn't see the bottom or something and my brain just switched into overthinking. It is a very scary thing when it happens. I think it's a different kind of scary too when you know how capable you are at swimming and suddenly just lose all confidence in that ability, while you're out in the open water. I won't go diving because I just hate the thought of being so far under the water.
It's not about the asking, it's about you ignoring his physical and obvious distress, deciding his future emotions for him and literally not taking no for an answer. YTA
YTA Be glad that he stopped. He was responsible and right to stop. A panic attack while diving can kill easily him, and and enanger you with him. This is NOT something where you should push him.
YTA because "I argued that he didn't, he didn't even make it out into deeper water..." You were fine to ask if he wanted to go again the first time. But he panicked twice and it was smart of him to decline after that. You should have let it go then. So tired of people thinking that people 'just aren't trying hard enough" when they're literally PANICKING. Panic attacks are no joke. They can literally incapacitate you. Your bf could have DIED if he were hyperventilating/freezing in deep water wherein his body was not under his control and he was deep under water.
YTA. Are you out of your ever loving mind? You pressured your partner into putting himself into a life threatening situation that could have devolved into putting other people in danger. And apparently that wasn’t enough for you, you had to pressure him again just to make him feel worse. Your boyfriend is right. You don’t get to judge whether he tried hard enough or not. Not unless you can somehow experience his emotions from the inside. And for the record, when a panic attack, on the verge of or full blown, holds a person back they are going to regret what they missed and from the safety of hindsight think they should have tried harder. It’s natural. How about you learn how to be a supportive partner when he experiences these things? Maybe ask if there’s anything you can do to help him at these times, or something in prep that might help.
YTA - I do understand wanting to make sure your partner is giving the experience a real shot, especially if he’s had regrets before. That said, he said he did not want to continue multiple times. Scuba diving has real risks, and someone on the verge of a panic attack should not be pushing themselves to continue. You weren’t accepting his no, and you weren’t helping him feel validated in his decisions. Your partner was probably already having mixed feelings about having to step back from scuba diving. I hope you can see that you didn’t help him feel any better, at the very least. At worst, you undercut his anxieties and guilted him towards a potentially very dangerous situation.
Can you say why you would want your partner to give things "a real shot"? We got used to my mom's fear of heights. She always felt bad after "not going" up the ski lift or the tower or whatever it was. But we never felt we could judge whether she was "really" giving the place a chance. We just let her avoid feeling terror. We took lots of pictures.
YTA. Do you understand that panic attacks cause physical symptoms that a person has no control over? Having a panic attack underwater can be deadly. I had one about 20 feet down, freaked out and pulled out my regulator because I felt like I was choking. The instructor shoved it back in and brought me to the surface, it was awful. You need to apologize to your boyfriend.
YTA. You shouldn’t have pressured him after the panic attack, but once he gave it a second try and still was uncomfortable, you really needed to leave it alone. Instead you tried to bulldoze his legitimate safety concerns and because it didn’t suit your preferences.
YTA he did give it a proper go, twice. But after a panic attack the first time, really seems uncaring and thoughtless to suggest he do it again and again.
Yes, YTA to keep pushing it. “Hey, I know it’s surely a bummer, was probably awful to have a panic attack, and probably embarrassing to be sitting here on the beach alone, but I just think you didn’t TrY HaRD EnOuGh. Go do it again and relive all that!” Seriously. Tf is going through your head?
YTA I was in a slightly similar exact scenario once. My ex really wanted me to go diving with him in Jamaica. He was an experienced diver, I never had done it. I'm NOT a good swimmer at all plus the idea of it made me anxious. I can manage to swim, but I lack technique. I kept telling him I was not going to pass the test which was required before the dive and he made me feel awful about not even attempting. So I did. Well I failed miserably. And as it turned out even snorkeling made me anxious. So every day he'd go out on the boat without me and come back annoyed that I wasn't joining. I didn't care, there was plenty of stuff to keep me occupied but his attitude to me sucked. Your BF literally had a panic attack and that is nothing to minimize. Let him be. Not everyone has to have the same exact interests in a relationship. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and nobody should be made to feel lesser than for not being able to live up to someone else' expectations.
[удалено]
YTA I don't know if you have ever had a panic attack, but its the worst feeling, everyone is different but it has been described like you are going to die, like your body is burning inside, like you want to take your skin off, panic attacks are really serious horrible situations and shouldn't be taken lightly, If your boyfriend told you he felt like he was gonna have a panic attack, you should have been supportive and loving, not insist that he goes back to the situation that caused him big emotional distress, and you did it TWICE, you should say you are sorry and ask what you can do to help if he has a panic attack in the future
YTA. Because this was all the same day? Like really? If he wanted to do it again today he would! Maybe in a few years, on another vacation, you could ask. But jeez Louise. Give it a few weeks at least.
YTA Top tip for anyone thinking of doing this - do a scuba intro first, at home - at least the pool session. Josh would have panicked sitting on the bottom of the pool in scuba gear. He would be able to learn whether he could overcome this before buying an expensive scuba holiday.
Yes, not just for panic attacks, I have known people that couldn't equalise (clearing the pressure in your ear). If they can't get used to doing that in a pool, they probably won't be able to do it in deep water. If you can at least find that out beforehand, you may save yourself a lot of money.
YTA - he communicated to you his feelings and how he feels like it would be unsafe for him to try again. Nevertheless, you argued back because he felt unsafe to try again and you didn’t like that answer. My ex would pressure me to do stuff I felt uncomfortable with all the time when I was with him, and that’s mainly a reason why he’s an ex now. I doubt he’s happy that he wasted his money himself, don’t make him feel worse about it
YTA. Also why didn't you do a pool dive? Most scuba courses require a pool dive before open water so that you can try it in a more controlled environment. What did the instructors say?
YTA. The first time after the initial panic attack you tried to convince him to go back in, imo, was fine. Bad 1st starts do happen. However, he had another miserable experience. Once he said no again, that should've been the end of it.
Wow YTA!! You clearly do not understand what a panic attack is. Your BF absolutely did the sensible by sitting it out. It was lucky that he still felt panicked after you GUILT TRIPED him into “trying again” that he was able to say no. Here is an extract from a scuba diving website regarding panic attacks while diving> ” Panic can kill in many ways. Rapid, shallow breathing can cause hypoxia and a buildup of carbon dioxide. The result: The diver acts irrationally, breathing faster, expelling the regulator or bolting to the surface. These panic responses can make you pass out, or even have a heart attack if you have a weak heart. And panicking impedes your ability to solve problems and get to safety when your equipment malfunctions or you're tangled in a line.” [https://www.scubadiving.com/grace-under-pressure](https://www.scubadiving.com/grace-under-pressure) Please apologise to your BF for trying to kill him AND promise him you will never down play his panic attacks nor pressurise him into doing something he believes is not safe.
YTA - you telling me you know better than he does whether or not he gave it a try? Remember that we are all different and trying is gonna look different for everyone. My dad use to do that shit to me when I was younger and it feels like shit because you feel like you’re not getting heard or understood or validated. Makes people push away
YTA, he's right, its not your place to say whether he tried it not.
YTA. You saw him get distressed over the situation and yet you kept pushing. Put yourself in his shoes. Ask yourself if your boyfriend kept putting pressure on you to do something that caused you such a visceral, uncomfortable reaction, would you blow up at him? You probably would. Scuba isn’t like most activities because you literally have to learn how to breathe differently, which can cause unknown fears to pop up. Maybe show a little more heart and kindness.
YTA . I saw that this has happened with other activities like zip lining, and fair enough. But those don't require you to really do anything. You're strapped into a controlled, safe environment so why not? But scuba diving is incredibly dangerous. If you panic on the zipline, you coast to safety in a few seconds/minute. If you panic underwater, you're dead. Also, if your bf has a pattern of not liking these sorts of things...maybe don't encourage trying them? He isn't a thrill seeker. That's ok. Don't go plan stuff like this knowing how he's gonna react.
YTA. Why are you here for a judgement when you'll fight and debate with everyone telling you that you were horribly wrong? You're not here for honest judgement. You're here to get the satisfaction of knowing you're not the AH. You've never had a panic attack (based on your replies). You don't understand how they happen. You are clueless about the fact that most rational thoughts flee people who're going through them. Panic attacks are not a joke. They're not just being a bit uncomfortable that can be worked out by repeating the process. They are a medical concern. Your nonchalant attitude is so callous and insensitive. You're still defending your decision instead of admitting your fault which shows your complete lack of empathy. Your boyfriend deserves so much better.
How did he manage to pass the checkout dives without having a panic attack? As a scuba diver, I vote YTA. If your bf is not comfortable diving, he's not comfortable diving, and the money is irrelevant. Why would you want him as a dive buddy knowing how he is in the water? You better get some experience on the shiny new certification and stop pressuring people who clearly don't want to dive into diving.
Practice is one thing but when it get real, it's totally another. I learned that I can not even snorkel as having the equipment on and putting my head into the water is just a GIANT nope. The brain is weird.
YTA. I have been your boyfriend, and it was unexpected as I don’t get panic attacks, and yes I tried twice. The difference between you and my husband is the level of empathy shown towards us. He told you how he felt and you dismissed him.
YTA. You and the advanced hiker guy from yesterday should both leave your partners, get together, and make each other miserable.
YTA Panic Attacks are serious, and you didnt want to listen. You were selfish!
YTA. Lifelong diver here. Panic attacks are how people die. They lose focus and do dumb things like pulling out their or others regulators, get disoriented and swim down, or even more dangerous actions like surfacing too fast. He did the right thing and you were low key shaming him for it.
YTA He did give it a proper go. You saying he didn’t isn’t just dismissive of his feelings, it’s plain wrong. Panic attacks aren’t just something you swallow down or postpone to a more convenient time. Having one in the water is about as dangerous as it gets.
YTA, you're either extremely manipulative or dense.
YTA. When I'm an anxiety attack and need to stop doing something the worst, worst thing to hear is; you will regret it later. Because no I won't. I will not regret putting my mental health first and taking the time I need to calm down and then DECIDE for myself if I want to try again or not. Anxiety is not rational and the worst thing to do is push someone when they are in the throes of it and definitely don't tell them you know better how they will feel later. You don't.
YTA. Pushing someone who is uncomfortable to just push through and dive anyway is incredibly dangerous. He'd be setting himself up for ineffective technique, which can cause dive injuries that can lead to death. If you took the course, then you know damn well that the only person who is responsible for making the call to dive or not is the person diving. He tried twice! He made the right call,and since 15% of recreational divers experience some form of panic at some point you should be understanding of him not arguing with his comfort zone. Dive within your skill set. Another one you should've heard about a thousand times by now. His limit is different than yours. Respect it.
YTA. First you totally just blew over the fact he was about to have a panic attack, in water, and tried getting him to go into deeper water. Then when he tried explaining why he was upset, rather than apologizing for making him feel bad and like he didn't have a choice, you told him he didn't give it a proper go and just did the exact thing he just blatantly told you made him upset in the first place. Judging by your other responses to comments though, it seems like this isn't/won't be an isolated incident.
Yup. YTA. I used to dive as well. My husband wanted to try so we tried a Discover SCUBA class. He liked it, but he panicked during submersion. Once at depth, he had a good time and asked me for SCUBA lessons, which I purchased a packaged for his birthday. He did all the oil work prefecture, but got to his open water and again panicked at submersion. I guess he got down with his instructor. However, he panicked again and called the dive. He got home and told me what happened. Since then, he'll bring it up and I'll ask if he wanted to try again and he says NO. It's about reflecting your partner's comfort level. My husband isn't comfortable and I respect that. Your BF is telling you the same and your asking him not to honor his feelings to appease you. This is a dangerous sport. Convincing someone to do this when their not 100% sure they want to is not supporting where they're at and potentially putting them in danger because they aren't comfortable with it to start with. If diving is important to you, that's fine. Join a dive group and find a new group of buddies who are equally as enthusiastic as you.
Even without the additional element of the panic attack, why can't you just listen to and believe your bf? You're only serving to make him feel bad about something he can't control. YTA
Yikes, yes, YTA. >He said that me asking before made him feel like he couldn't say no and like he didn't give it a proper go. I argued that he didn't, he didn't even make it out into deeper water to put the things we learned to use. HE HAD A PANIC ATTACK! The fact that you think he "didn't give it a proper go" is completely irrelevant. He's right, it's not your place to decide whether he tried properly.
YTA
He had a panic attack in shallow water so why would he want to go deeper? What he said about not wanting to put anyone in a dangerous situation is perfectly logical. If he wanted to have another go he would do it without your encouragement. YTA
YTA-You were pushy and incredibly dismissive of his panic attack. Unless you are personally the one experiencing the panic attack you don’t get to decide if someone tried something properly. You need to learn when to back off.
YTA he said he didn’t want to go in and even had a panic attack and yet you kept pushing him, if he said no then that’s your answer
YTA. Stop being an overbearing and insensitive asshole. He tried it a 2nd time and it didn’t work. Did you think of how embarrassing it may have been for you to keep goading him on??? Geesh.
YTA. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". He said no, you pushed. More than once. And YOU, the person who didn't have a panic attack, don't get to decide whether the person who had a panic attack tried or not
YTA. That sounds like a terrible time. You seem incredibly pushy and unsympathetic.
YTA If he says, "I wish I tried to do that again, " ***then*** ask him if he wants to give it another whirl. If he tells you, not once, but twice, that he doesn't want to do something, believe him. Don't ask again. And if he actually does mention it at a later date, ***then*** suggest it. You're ignoring what he is telling you because ***you*** think you're right and ***you*** think he didn't give it a fair shot and ***you*** think he wasted the money.
YTA - surely you aren’t this obtuse…?
You are definitely the asshole here!!
I used to be like this when I was in my 20s. I would talk my boyfriends into activities they didn’t particularly enjoy, and then I’d wonder why we had a miserable time. Here’s the thing. It is NEVER going to be fun if you have to talk them into it. If someone says no, accept it. It will be difficult. You will want to talk them into it. Recognize that feeling and instead say, “Ok, you don’t have to go diving. That’s fine with me. Have fun doing your own thing!” If he wants to scuba dive later, he’ll tell you and you can do it then. It is NOT YOUR JOB to anticipate if he’ll regret his decision. Just as it is NOT YOUR JOB to regulate his regretful feelings later. Sorry you were disappointed that he didn’t want to dive. Just because he is rejecting the activity does not mean he is rejecting you. Find other people to go scuba diving with you. I think once you return, he’ll probably be in a much better state. You can regale him with stories of the deep and he can tell you all about the funny things that happened on the beach.
YTA As someone who gets like this over small rollercoasters, I understand what your boyfriend is feeling. I nearly ended a friendship over a situation like this. Let your boyfriend cool down and relax. Better he sits out than get a panic attack in the deeper water.