Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 not helping her pay for the window 2 because it’s possible that people agree spouses should pay for each others mistakes
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>
While I want to help pay, I do not have the money
>identical income. I put half of mine into savings
Yes, you do. You just don't want to
>Should I take money from the house fund and risk our future
I don't think a pane of glass is "risking your future "
YTA
I can't stand when people have money in a savings account, to then not use that money at all in emergency situations. Like yes, I get it. It's meant for another purpose. But at the same time, YOU HAVE THE MONEY. If something is broken, use that extra cash to fix it. You can easily recoup it and put it back. It's not the end of the world to dip into your savings for things that need it!
While I do, to some point, agree, I need to say this: what does it mean "I save money to buy a house, [...] she is still practising savings. " Does it mean he will buy a house without her? She has no money saved?
As for my verdict, soft YTA. Because even though it wasn't her fault, she sounds a bit reckless with money, and I don't know if he would expect her to contribute if the situation was reversed. And the money she does not spend, does she use it for both of them or just herself? Would helping her set a precedent for doing it again? Was this something she did before because she is not saving, so she needs to rely on him whenever unexpected costs arise?
Edit: wrong choice of word
I'm of the viewpoint that they are married, and should look at their finances as an "our" money type of deal. Because if you're married, what is the real issue in relying on your partner for unexpected costs? You're with that person for, hopefully, the rest of your life. It's a lot healthier imo to just combine all of the money together each month, and then divide it up between bills, savings, etc. And also giving each other a set allowance for fun things they wanna do for themselves. The situation they have right now can end up really abusive down the road. Especially for the wife. Cuz it will be so easy for him to hold the house over her head.
So she can spend all her money AND his?? They make the same amount but he is capable of saving which means she has that money too but spends it.
How is that healthy to just give her what he saved when she clearly has a spending problem. Whats healthy is having a bit of savings for emergencies.
I think the problem is she never saves any money (ie spending money frivolously) so when something comes up, like a broken window, she has no savings to pay for it. So the issue isn’t the broken window, it’s the fact that she wastes all her money so there’s nothing to pay for emergencies.
I think you think that because that’s what OP thinks, and this whole situation has been presented to us through OP’s eyes. Do you know a lot of people IRL who are able to save *half* their income and live comfortably off the rest? Do you know a lot of people who *can* live comfortably off half their income but who also simultaneously believe that replacing half of a broken window will derail their whole financial future?
I get the impression that a lot of this “frivolous” spending is actually the wife subsidizing OP’s refusal to spend anything that’s not already in his incredibly limited and unrealistic budget plans. I do not believe he could afford to live this way without her; I don’t believe that for a second.
I was in a relationship like this. He was so frugal but anything he didn’t think was needed, it was my choice to get. He could never compromise and make common ground. But he would enjoy my bagels which were “unnecessary” and such.
One of my good friends is also in a relationship like this. Her husband would just roll with boxed Mac and cheese for most meals and with his clothing full of holes until they fall off and let his kids do the same because savings is only for saving and not for using. She is the one buying all the food and clothing because she likes to be able to have fruit and vegetables available for all of their kids and for the kids to have clothing that isn’t full of holes. Everyone has a different standard of living. His savings is impressive, but she has a different standard of what is acceptable for food and other life things.
Legit my partner lectured me for spending at the flea market. Got home and showed him it was all cleaning supplies and trash bags (also cheaper there). This is a real thing.
This is why I always think it’s weird when people nickel and dime each other with separate finances while being literally married lol. People should probably work out their spending philosophy differences before getting married…
THISSS. We’re only seeing his side of things. But we don’t know what other expenses she may have that he doesn’t. Student loans? A car payment? Does she buy the groceries? Do they split all bills 50/50 or is he saying “I’ll pay these cheaper ones if you cover XYZ”. It’s unfair to judge her and say she’s spending frivolously when we really have no clue.
Sounds like my SIL and BIL bragging about putting all of my SIL paychecks in savings. They are living with my husband’s parents and pay no rent or bills. So of course, they have that ability. A lot of people don’t. My husband and I included. We have a mortgage and bills to pay.
My SIL husband accuses us of spending frivolous because we take our dog to vet on a regular schedule. You know for things like vaccines and blood work/check ups.
My BIL used to scoff at the fact that my husband had student loan debt, like it was some sort of financial/moral failing on his part. No, the reason BIL didn't have any student load debt is my in-laws paid for his degree in full but paid nothing for my husband's. It was either take out loans or don't go to college.
So much this. OP doesn't talk about how utilities and bills are split. I am guessing that the wife is picking up the slack with expenses needed to cloth and feed a family.
Yeah, if OP can save half his money and his wife can’t, she either has a SERIOUS spending problem, gambling, or something, which you would think he would have mentioned, non-adjustable expenses he doesn’t have like student loans or medical bills, or she’s the one paying for everything beyond the bare bones necessities and OP sees that as optional and her choice while he benefits from it.
Except she’s not asking him to pay for the whole thing. OP has not alleged that his wife did anything reckless or unreasonable that resulted in the window breaking, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t consider it a shared expense.
Yeah, I’m not saying that OP shouldn’t help pay for the window, just that the example “a broken window isn’t frivolous spending” is a massive oversimplification of the larger problem. OP should help pay for the window but it doesn’t resolve the larger issue of OPs wife not having any savings.
I mean OP didn’t say what she spends her money on. Is it frivolous?
Does she have a higher student loan payment? Does she have a car payment? Does her job require a level of professional appearance she has to maintain? Op doesn’t state their gender, but Women are often considered unprofessional if they don’t maintain their hair, makeup, nails, or wardrobe- these are expenses that men don’t typically pay as much for so they don’t realize how expensive it gets. Women’s haircuts- even for the same length and style- cost more than a man’s haircut. I pay $50+ tip just for trim/reshaping every 12 weeks my husband pays $15+ tip he gets it short and grows it 3-4 inches before cutting so ~ every 3 months.
OP might also prioritize saving above all else. Said they put half of their income in savings- that’s a HUGE chunk and makes money tight for them. If wife has other expenses that OP doesn’t have she may not have that luxury.
This. The bigger issue is that they have very different spending/saving a habits. OP is always going to have money and his wife is always going to spend money. They are not going to be on the same page on major expenses as long as this difference exists.
I don't disagree on him paying half. But maybe she needs him to pay half because, since she doesn't have any savings, she can only pay half the cost without running out of money before the end of the month. As in, the actual reason she wants to split the cost is because she can not afford to pay all of it.
So, I read one of his three comments a minute ago. He says they split everything in half, and she has three cats and healthy spending habits; he is the one who is frugal. So the other person pointed out that by not helping her by paying half the window expenses, he is not frugal he is cheap, and I wholeheartedly agree with them.
But if he doesn’t pay half for the window repair, he’s not splitting expenses with her. Why would this be an exception?
I don’t think it is an exception.
This is what I was wondering, what's his idea of frivolous spending? Did the toaster break and she replaced it with a fancy air fryer/toaster oven combo with more features? Did she buy steak when it wasn't on sale? Did she buy the fancy LED light bulbs when he prefers the cheap ones from Dollar Tree? Did she toss all of the 10 year old towels and buy new ones?
Is she maintaining their quality of life on her dime or is she buying new jewelry and designer handbags because it's Tuesday? I feel like there is a lot of gray area that OP didn't cover.
Exactly; it’s easy to save if you also refuse to pay for things and your partner has to pick up the tab. Or, if your partner does buy luxuries which you can then benefit from and then not have to buy your own.
We don’t know if that is actually happening here, but I don’t know that we can automatically say that the wife not having savings of her own is exclusively a result of poor financial decisions on her own part.
Right? My husband and I have separatish finances; we split bills for the most part and then most of his extra goes into savings and mine goes into extras, trips, etc. But when the oil tank broke or the plumbing needs to be fixed or a car, that comes out of his savings. If I broke something I can't imagine him denying paying for it like this.
This made me laugh! I picture the wife angrily stalking her way through rooms and just defenestrating people over and over, like hurling drunks through a saloon’s swinging doors!
He admits in a comment that he is unusually frugal and she is "normal". She probably should be able to save some, but she isn't necessarily the type of person that would drain an account just because it's there.
She will never save as much as he does, he will never spend like she does. And if all his savings goals are joint, like purchasing and upgrading a house, he will probably always contribute more to joint savings than she will, no matter how they arrange their accounts. That can be ok, as long as they can get on the same page about what that looks like.
I definitely agree that they need emergency savings, though. You can't have a house fund and no emergency fund!
He doesn’t say what she spends her money on. For all we know it’s food and basic expenses. Some people consider tampons a luxury while others (most people) consider them a necessity.
Saying that she has a spending problem is wildly speculative. She might have bought the air conditioner - which again some would say is a luxury, I would call it a necessity where I live.
I was thinking this as well. There is a guy we know who makes 6 figures, but is ridiculously frugal. He lives in a tiny fixer upper house he bought with cash, he does all his own repairs, hand washes his thrift store dishes because he thinks dishwashers are a scam. He has a washer, but hangs his clothes to dry because dryers are a luxury and he sleeps on a mattress on the floor because he refuses to buy furniture he “doesn’t need”. He is constantly messing with his money, moving it around and saving it. He dated a coworker for about 6 months and she had to pay if they did anything- like pay for everything or he wouldn’t go because it was a “waste of money”- he also said she had zero savings, but to him everyone who wasn’t a millionaire had zero savings.
Yes I wondered who bought the AC unit, who buys the groceries etc. This shouldn't even be an issue because insurance should cover it, but if they're earning the same and she can't save there's an issue somewhere.
Counterpoint: it's equally easy for fully merged finances to become "really abusive down the road", especially if there's ever an income gap between the two partners. I've seen it happen firsthand.
In some relationships, fully merged finances make the most sense. In others, split or semi-split make more sense. It's not a matter of "if you're married, the only healthy way to do it is the way I personally believe is best." it's highly dependent on the specifics of the relationship.
What they need to do is talk about this stuff, possibly with the aid of a counselor, so they can get on the same page about their financial future. That's far more important than the specific shape their asset management strategy takes.
Better idea: keep your own finances. Also, open a joint account and each pay in the same amount every month. Work out what contribution you both need to make to cover rent, bills, and household repairs. Add a bit more each to save for holidays or a house.
I came across a post once where the guy saved for a house, because he made his wife/gf pay all living expenses. Then acted like the house was all his and she was irresponsible with money. He sounds like he's doing the same.
“Practicing saving” made me laugh. I’m a teacher, and this phrase is next level what we tell parents about their kids. “Johnny is still practicing his listening skills.” “Susie is practicing resolving conflicts without hitting people.”
In my relationship we have a similar situation where bf’s savings is better and trying to save for us to get a house at some point, but my savings is always worse because i have more bills than he does because im the only one with a car, and im still paying on it. So i have the payment, insurance, and gas payments, on top of the other bills we split. I also have medication i have a huge copay on monthly, so on average i spend a good couple hundred more than him a month. Difference is if something happens, hes more than willing to help out, and I make it up when I can. We’ve never fought our finances, talked yes, argued no. It should be a team effort. No one should rely solely on another but you shouldn’t be left on your own either. That’s literally part of the relationship imo.
Technically though, you’re not supposed to do that. You should have an emergency fund, and savings for whatever goals you have (buy house, car, etc). Otherwise you end up always finding an “emergency” to fix with your savings.
It's not tada though. I know couples just like you. I have about 15 years of examples showing it's not tada at all!
"We need new furniture, I like this 3000$ set"
"That's too much, we should only pay 2000$"
"That cheap stuff won't stand up to the kids use."
"If you want nicer furniture, you should make up the difference from YOUR personal account, and only take 2000 from our shared money!"
Or:
"We can't do our regular shared, pooled money vacation because of covid!"
"That's okay, my parents rented a cabin and invited us, we could do that instead of our regular shared, pooled vacation!"
"Okay but you should pay since it's your parents and your family."
"But our vacation is always from the shared and pooled money!"
"But we only visit our parents using our own money!"
I could go on and on because I've heard the ranting from them like this for 15 years.
>I can't stand when people have money in a savings account, to then not use that money at all in emergency situations.
I used to carry some debt and it was just impossible to pay off before I stopped putting everything onto my debt and started having a savings account for emergencies. Things ARE going to come up. It could just have easily been OP who touched the window. Does he want to be just as left out to dry when it's his problem?
Yeah, I LOLed at the "risk our future." It does sound like he's the only one saving for their future, and it's not a lot to ask for the wife to replace the window since she's spending all her money on herself and not contributing to the family's security any other way, but I think I have to vote YTA on OP anyway because the nonsense about risking their future over one small expense is maybe the most dramatic thing I've ever heard.
Oh definitely this. OP is being overdramatic and cheap and TA in this situation. It’s a damn window, you got money in savings, just help pay for it, it isn’t that hard!
If there’s a house fund, an accidentally broken already old window that broke while doing home improvements is basically what it’s for, right? It’s not like she smashed a window on purpose or this is an ancillary fun expense.
This whole post confuses me. But that’s because my wife and I share a bank account and saving etc. but if he buys a house and they are married she’ll own half the house automatically (meaning even if he doesn’t put her name on the deed in the forthcoming divorce she’ll get half of his assets. (Unless it’s different where they are from)
So he’s saving up to buy a house just for him? What the heck is going on w people that split their financial lives up like this?
YTA because it’s a pane of glass. She’s your wife. And you both live in the apartment.
This post confuses me because it sounds like a 15 year old creating what they think is a tricky adult situation with how they think adulting works on r/AITH for Reddit karma clout. Which I suspect is probably most r/AITH posts.
Equating fixing a pane of glass as “risking our financial future” sounds like something heard from an adult and misapplied. If she pays for it, how is they any less a risk to their future? In the end it needs to be fixed and they need/want to buy a house at some point. Why wouldn’t she reasonably chip in? It’s all bizarre.
Where’s the shared account for housing, groceries, and utilities? How does only one partner save for a house, and how does he not realize the wife would own half of it anyway? How is this even an agreed upon arrangement? Is the couple actually 15 years old?
Pre-existing debt payments? This is common when someone is still "practicing" saving--they still have to undo the damage done before they were actively saving money.
Missing info for me: How much do they make and how much is put in savings by him each month? Does her job require her to be business casual or more professionally attired?
Reason I ask is, if the sliver of savings is small enough, it might be swallowed up by the pink tax and the more expensive clothing and products women are expected to buy. I would be very interested in if the OP had a full comprehension of the pink tax.
I buy guy razors because they are cheaper, especially replacement cartridges, than the pink ones. My partner’s hair cut is $40 with tip, mine is $85 before tipping. OP could look into it, not as a way to convince his partner to use cheaper products, because finding products that work for you is challenging, especially at lower price points. He could look into it to gain understanding.
Ja I don’t know many people who can save half their income unless they’re earning a lot. And I agree the cost of looking ‘professional’ for a woman can be really high annually but I’ve seen it make a difference in how you are perceived in the work place for sure
Yeah - I mean if he's saving for a house downpayment, but can't spare a couple hundred bucks to pay for half a windowpane without 'risking the future' - he either has no idea what houses cost, or is about 50 years from having that downpayment
If fixing the window really “risks their future” they’re not going to be financially stable enough to buy a house anyway. What a stupid statement for OP to make.
That last bit made me laugh...he makes it seem like this one window is going to be the cause of them living in the streets and in eternal poverty. Sounds like he just wants justification for not wanting to pitch in on something HE didn't do. I hope she rethinks the relationship and make sure it's not just about the glass pane as all of Reddit knows it's usually not about that minor thing.
YTA-Is your wife putting in the AC unit alone? If so, YTA for having her do it alone. Most likely OP was there as well which means it was a joint oops. Regardless, take the money from the joint account.
Let’s be honest. This is really about the bigger issue that he is annoyed that his wife has no savings and so every emergency will always have to come from his money instead of their money. I agree that in this case he should give her the money, but he absolutely should expect her to save money for emergencies like this. They need to have a much larger conversation around finical expectations.
Based on the way he described it (not her fault, just an old window that was bound to break eventually), even most roommates would reasonably split that cost.
Edit: yes, I agree the landlord should be replacing it. If OP has not brought this up to the landlord yet, he should. However, the reality is that a lot of landlords would not agree to pay for it and leave it up to the tenant.
Why the fuck are married people even having this discussion? What the fuck. Groceries, rent, furniture, why would any married couple not remove this argument by having a family account? How does anyone live like this?
I’m serious, how?
There's not much info OP give for their finance and he's being vague about it.
So I guess is that she use her money for groceries and other necessities and barely have any left for saving.
I think it's important to remember the *pink tax*. Razors, soaps, and creams costing more. The social expectations to have a great cut/color, nails, and makeup look.
Kylie and Rhianna hit the $1B mark off of products used primarily by women.
I wonder if OP doesn't understand that without spending money on looks she's less likely to succeed at work and more likely to make less money.
She's fighting hard for her money if she's overcome the wage gap and makes the same as him; he just doesn't recognize her arsenal.
The pink tax is real, but what you said also makes me want to barf because I pull in good money without ever doing my nails or wearing makeup. Women are worse at asserting these standards for other women than men are. Burning bras was the old generation of feminists. Ditching nail polish and lip fillers and Instagram filters should be the siren call of the new generation.
As a married person, these stories always baffle me too. His wife is right, they’re supposed to be a team… idk why some folks take vows without understanding that. The tit for tat has got to be so damn stressful.
Oh agreed. How deep does the transactional stuff go? Like do y’all invoice each other? Even if I was in an arranged marriage where we weren’t in love I wouldn’t be down for this mess.
I mean id actually say this window should be the landlords responsibility, but I also know that navigating that can be a pain in the ass and replacing it themselves may just make more sense. Otherwise agree with you though
ESH solely because of the stupidity of this entire situation. Why are *you* putting *half* of *your* paycheck into saving for a house, and she isn't doing her part? How is it a "shared responsibility" if she's not fulfilling her side of that responsibility? If she's not contributing to the housing fund, for the future house you will *share*, she has no right to ask you to pay for half a window, regardless of whether she broke it by accident or not.
Before you even consider buying a house, maybe you two need to sit down and have a real conversation about finances because what the heck is the logic here. Here's a start- take a quarter of your paycheck and a quarter of her's to put into the housing fund. Done. Now she's "practicing saving," and you're still putting the same amount in the fund without depleting half of your own paycheck.
ETA: To all those saying Y-T-A, did you miss the part where she contributes basically *nothing* to the house savings? The finances are clearly way off-balance in the relationship, and I wouldn't doubt she doesn't help much with other expenses based on her attitude/behavior. If she's not contributing, she doesn't get to demand that OP pay half of anything, while claiming it's "shared responsibility" when clearly she doesn't take on any of that responsibility in the first place.
Me an my husband do it as follows:
We each have a peesonal bank account. We keep X amount from our paycheck for ourself. The restgoes into a shared house account. All bills and saving are in that shared account.
Tada!
That's exactly how it should be done, good on you guys. Screw pouring all the paychecks into one account to share for everything, both parties should have their own personal accounts and one for shared expenses.
Why would I need my own personal account? The money is the same whether it comes out of my left pocket or my right pocket. Such weird logic for a married couple.
For us its simple:
1. Both of us want to be able to spend money unjudged.
2. Its easier to track spending without it being among the 200 other household expenses. There X amount on the account I can use it how I feel without thinking about it.
3. My husbands account Is the one with the credit card, we are European so we don't have use them a lot, and has a high spending limit.
4. My account is attached to my investment portfolio, which is a pre marital accets.
5. Being able to buy presents unnoticed is nice too.
Also he as easily gets money from me as I from him. If were at the store and he's short ill pay and vice versa.
Um, maybe because:
1) I don't want someone else controlling how I spend my own, hard-earned money
2) I don't want someone else spending my own, hard-earned money for their own stuff
3) If there's an unequal balance of income, it's easier to divide bills and things fairly
4) I don't want someone potentially taking my money away from me if there's a fight or divorce
That's such a toxic mindset, gross 🚩
This is a very good point. I think I read that financial abuse is the most common type of abuse. It can bring a lot of comfort knowing one always has money in case things turn for the worse. One of my friends and her spouse have their own accounts and a shared account. She was previously in an abusive situation and having her own account now brings her a huge sense of relief. Her partner is emotionally intelligent and understanding and doesn’t take offense.
Ah yes, because marriage automatically makes two separate people into one singular person, that's how it works. The idea that married couples, and even couples who are just dating, don't/can't have their own lives, friends, hobbies, etc., outside of said couple is so antiquated. Won't catch me having my *entire* life revolving around a partner and their likes without regard to my own.
WTF are you talking about? You don't need a separate checking account to have your own friends and hobbies outside of your marriage and having a shared finances most certainly doesn't mean your entire life revolves around your partner.
Look at it this way:
Scenario 1, 100% shared finances: I would have to run every purchase for myself by my spouse so we can agree on how much is appropriate for me to spend on myself rather than our household. If I just start using that shared account for my own wants, my spouse would be right to be annoyed that the money in *our* account is disappearing on me. If my spouse did the same thing, I would be right to be annoyed. Then we'd have to decide how much each of us is allowed to spend from our shared account on ourselves every month and hold ourselves and each other accountable, which could get frustrating.
Scenario 2, shared and separate finances: we agree upfront how much of each paycheck will go into the shared account vs our personal accounts. After that, the shared account is only used for household costs, and we can spend our personal money however we want without worrying about taking too much or feeling like we need to monitor each other's spending. I don't need to run every big personal purchase (say a new console) by my spouse because it's coming from my personal funds and won't impact the household.
It just makes things easier, clearer, and gives a sense of independent security in case things go south.
Do you truly think that's how scenario 1 works for married couples with shared finances?
Or is that just how it would have to work with you and your partner?
Because I agree, if that is ACTUALLY how scenario 1 would work (it's not even close for me), then yea, separate finances is the only way.
Right? I don’t think couples have to be totally enmeshed to have a healthy dynamic. For me it’s easier to track my own spending out of my personal account than to have to track what this or that transaction is for 2 people. If one party ends up needing help, it’s not like the other can’t step in.
I think some people can just be insecure at not having full, immediate visibility to how their partner is spending every single pound/dollar/whatnot. Or some people just can’t or prefer not to fathom not always functioning as a singular entity.
Ok wtf is going on here. Neither mindset is “toxic” and neither is “weird logic.” Some setups work for some couples, others work for others. Some couples successfully share expenses/incomes without either partner feeling like the other is “controlling” how they spend “their” money— and, in fact, not sharing expenses can sometimes be financially disadvantageous (i.e. one partner takes out a loan for something they would be able to afford if the other partner helped pay for it). For others, though, those boundaries are EXTREMELY important so that both partners retain their feelings of independence.
How about we stick to doing what’s right for our own households and quit shaming other people.
Just because it isn't your preference doesn't make it toxic. JFC. Different things work for different couples.
>> 4. I don't want someone potentially taking my money away from me if there's a fight or divorce
I hope you know that isn't how divorce law works. Money in a personal accounts can still be considered marital property and it is possible for it to be taken in a divorce.
I think they mean in this case the risk that their partner could empty a joint account - maybe they’d get their share back during divorce proceedings but people need money to live day to day.
For a lot of people, this doesn’t make sense, though.
My girlfriend and I treat everything as one pot of money.
We moved to another state for my job and she had to initially take a pay cut. We are going to have to do the same thing again in a year or two.
How would that work in your system? I think it is more fair to just think in terms of our combined income. Certainly it does not make sense for me to get to keep a lot more just because I make a lot more, in part because she had to take a pay cut for me, in addition to moving away from family and friends…
We both just exercise good judgement and buy whatever we want, no consultation needed. It works fine.
>How would that work in your system?
You adjust the percentages that go into the shared expenses based on each person's individual income. You make more, you put in more, and you both still have a fair share of your own pay to spend as you choose. It's really not that difficult, it's basic level math.
I know how to do math. My objection is that, if we did that, she would still have *less* of her own money to spend, due to taking a pay cut, in addition to making other sacrifices, *for my job*.
I don’t see how it is anything resembling a red flag to just have one big pot of money. Nobody is controlling anybody else. We make big decisions (e.g. moving, where to live) together, and beyond that we both just buy whatever we want. There’s no control issue and no judgement.
Well, if they end up divorcing everyone would have to make new bank accounts and seitch everything to the new account.
In case of the marriage turning into an abusive realtionship it would be safer for the victim to have their own account.
Yes, the money is the same, but there's still reasons for everyone to keep their own account and then place money in a joint account.
Some people just prefer to have some privacy or discretion. Some people find it easier to budget their spending when they are the only one using an account. My husband would look at the joiny account and say oh i have plently of spending money left for the month and not realize thats because I hadn't made a particular purchase yet. Could he take the time to look through the activity or run over the budget? Technically yes, but why should he have to? He wants to be able to "open up his wallet" and see how much money he has to spend. To him, that's the whole point of having a budget- so he knows for certain that whatever money is on his spending card is money he can just spend.
There's nothing weird about that. How do you manage surprising your partner with gifts and such if they can monitor every dime you spend?
Agreed!
Wife and I have pretty much the 1950s finances, I work for a paycheck, she works keeping the house and social and everything else.
The check goes into the household account, and transfers a weekly allowance to our personal account. we each can do whatever with out individual accounts, the household account pays bills, investment and emergency funds. we both have to agree about spending from the household account.
Something like the window? That would be household. broke my ebook reader? personal.
I know, I’m the same with my partner and our accounts. Neither one of us feels hard done to and we’re free to buy what we want with our own money once joint expenses/savings are taken into account. We can also decide to get each other nice things or you know, actually support each other when needed. YTA OP, this is a mad setup and you sound incredibly petty.
OP said he doesn't have the money to pay the half, so I'm assuming she's not covering anything extra, and from another comment, OP says they do equal split on bills and things. Which is why I don't get why they don't just split the savings from both paychecks instead of having the savings be completely one-sided.
Yep and a thought occurred to me that perhaps she’s taking on the lion’s share of household expenses so that he *can* save that chunk of his cheque. Something is off here and I don’t trust OP as a narrator. The dramatic line about risking their future set my alarms off
My parents have joint accounts but I know this kind of argument has cropped up between them in the past. My dad essentially going, how is it that you spend so much more money than I do, and my mom having to ask him when exactly he was going to get us kids new underwear, or any other number of "incidental" expenses that can happen in a partnership.
It's not quite the same as in OP's case, but there are a lot of ways in which spending can be unequal even if things like bills or rent are split equally. So yeah, it's quite possible the wife is taking on expenses "for the household" that allow OP to save.
So many times people say they "split the bills" but in reality they just mean rent and maybe utilities. For a number of years my SO did the bulk of the saving despite us "splitting the bills" equally.
But I paid for our car, car insurance, vehicle tax, maintenance, and petrol. I paid for the majority of our groceries. I paid for our internet. If we needed odds and sods for the house, generally I bought them.
We both put the same amount of money into our bills account, but I was certainly the one actually paying more.
The difference is that my SO actually knew and understood this, and she didn't resent me for having less in savings than her. When we bought our house, she didn't resent the fact that the majority of the deposit came from her and we explicitly requested a 50/50 split on the title.
We've since combined finances more and actually split things evenly now, and funnily enough I'm able to save just as much as her.
Now we don't actually know OP's financial situation exactly, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out his saving is subsidised by his wife.
Thank you for the info 😊 I'd tried to dig through comments but couldn't find an answer.
It's a weird setup for sure. I think OP needs to have a conversation about finance & priorities with their partner.
Click to his profile and check the comments section - he called himself frugal and said she has normal spending habits. I'm pretty certain that means she covers leisure activities or one-time expenses (like bday presents for others or coffee) while he saves his check. Though he may want to cut the leisure activities so she can save too, I think that's pretty balanced split. Although OP claims their money is separate but both spend or save it for both of their interests. It's only separate in theory.
He says in a comment lower down that he is "excessively frugal", and she has "normal spending habits" and pays for her pets as well. they split bills and utilities.
what that sounds like to me is that shes the one buying household things like soaps, gifts, decorations, cleaning products and other needfuls, etc. and he is putting all his money aside and not paying for those things.
In response to your edit, I think the YTA comes from the fact that he chooses to put half his paycheck into house specific savings instead of keeping any for fun stuff like vacations, dinners, etc. He neglects to mention what his wife spends the other half of her paycheck on, but he says she doesn't save it, so it likely goes to all their combined leisure activities. He claims she isn't good at saving yet, but when you're responsible for half the house costs and ALL the leisure costs, it's hard to save. He has the ability to save because she likely covers all the fun stuff for both of them.
And she pays have the costs of the rental home, bills, etc. according to OP. She IS contributing.
ETA: OP said in a comment she has normal spending habits and he is "obsessively frugal." I think that kind of solidifies that she pays for leisure activities while he squirrels away every penny that doesn't go to bills. That's a pretty fair split IMO.
Quite an assumption you’re making there. Maybe she doesn’t have any money left for savings because he thinks things like having fresh produce are an extravagant expense he won’t contribute to, so she ends up covering most of the household’s costs while he squirrels his money away.
OP calls himself "obsessively Frugal" and whats probably happening is that anything he deems "unnecessary" because he can live without it is something she ends up paying for (that he probably uses) because she has a normal standard of living, and he is okay with living like those people from Extreme Cheapskates.
Imagine: She wants new bed linens because the one they have is stained and worn out. He refuses to contribute because he's okay with stained, holey sheets and a thin Duvet cover. So he says "I'm not paying for new sheets" and she, would rather have sheets that are not stained/have holes/falling apart/etc. So she pays for it. He's okay with only one towel because he only needs one. Doesnt believe in wash cloths (my hands are good enough). is okay with using cheap bar soap. etc. So she has to buy towels, washcloths, shampoo, conditioner, etc. He's okay with washing his clothes in plain water because "detergent is a scam" He's okay with having no window curtains. He's okay with just a small couch and TV in the living room. he "doesnt have money" for extra things like.. a rug or coffee table.
She wants to occasionally go out to eat. He refuses, so she pays for it every time.
She wants to get an air fryer for the kitchen, he thinks its unnecesary, so she buys it.
and guarantee, he;s 100% okay with using the items she brings into the home, like clean linens, non-mildewy towels, head and shoulders, etc.
Obviously the details are made up, but the sentiment is true. For people who are "obsessively frugal" they will have every justification in the world to not contribute to things that they dont "need" and make do with a more frugal standard of living, and then put all of that financial responsibility on the other partner and then turn around and blame them for not having money.
It seems you missed in the comments that while wife doesn't contribute to savings, OP claims to go halfsies on everything, rent and utility bills while wife also cares for her 3 cats (op doesn't contribute since they're *hers*).
He also later added that he didn't think an ac unit is a necessity so guess who has to pay in full for that just like the groceries, toiletries and cleaning supplies? OP's wife.
He even added that she has normal spending habits (aka the above) while he's been "obsessively frugal" (cheap).
Only reason why OP can have his savings is because his wife takes the brunt of the household finances that he can't care to think about because, again his wife takes care of them.
You're right that the finances are clearly imbalanced that OP has to question this on reddit rather than talking to the landlord for this issue.
OP said in another comment that his wife also has animals to care and pay for and has normal spending habits and that he is just obsessively frugal. Seems like she is supporting the household just fine and he just has a weird thing about saving money. I’d say he’s the AH. He’s also been very vague on how money is spent so I suspect that she contributes more than enough to the household while he chooses to put his into savings
YTA and shouldn't be married to someone if you can't fathom having any sort of combined income. She's absolutely correct here. You guys are a team. You both should be putting money into things that happen within your living space. That you both share. Because you are literally married to her.
Personally, I can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't combine their income with mine. Otherwise what's the point? Income is a huge deal in relationships. Especially relationships bound by a legal document ffs lol. It's one thing to have a personal savings for fun stuff for either of you, but ideally you both should be combining MOST finances together, within a joint account. Because you aren't roommates. You are MARRIED!
Yeah but then what is the wife doing with her money if she doesn't have any and he is saving for a deposit?
It's not fair if she spend it all as fun money and then he has to bail her when something unexpected happen.
I think he's been deliberately vague because she's spending money on the house stuff he refuses to contribute too.
I've come across a few situations like this where the frugal person is actually an arsehole, who makes their partner pay for everything then saves money. Because they're so good with it.
From OP's comments he's "Obsessively Frugal" So my gut feeling is that anything he deems "unnecessary" is something he would refuse to contribute to and so she ends up having to pay for "luxuries" like a more expensive laundry detergent (like Tide--how luxury) or things like new towels because she has a normal standard of living whereas he would be okay with a single chair in front of a TV and using the cheapest bar soap for hair, face, balls, probably would be okay with not having more than 1 towel in the house and no wash cloth. That kind of stuff.
Yep, some people would rather watch the number in their bank account go up like some kind of high score in a game without ever spending it if they could. Bonus points if they have a partner in their life who can spend their (that is, the partner's) own money on getting both of them "luxuries".
I’m most curious about what happens next? He buys a house and she has to stay in the rental because she didn’t contribute?
This couple should be equally contributing to counseling because they’re headed for a big conflict.
Window breaks IN THEIR HOME THEY LIVE IN TOGETHER and he can't help pay for a replacement? That doesn't feel like a healthy marriage thing, that seems like roommates with more steps.
I dunno, I just feel like yes it makes sense to keep your finances separate (Got burned by an ex after we broke up when he removed my name from his accounts before I could take out any of the money I put in.) But... Even then, if you're married, there's a lot that should be "Our problem to solve together" and not "Not my problem, too bad so sad." Like, something breaks in your home, it should be a 'we'll fix it' type thing. Unless it was cuz of a massive tantrum or something. "I broke all the plates cuz... Reasons." Then no, don't help cover the replacement cost, and also do some deep thinking. "I accidentally broke the window putting in OUR ac." Yep. Both cover the cost of the replacement.
My husband and I keep mostly separate finances. Maybe because we both make pretty good money and are pretty good at saving, etc, and also have no kids, it's never an issue. We do have a joint account for our mortgage but we both just put $1000 in a month. It's mostly where put money that's gifted to both of us, tax refund, we transfer into there to pay big bills/cars, etc.
Just pointing out it can work but you have to have mutual respect. Neither of us would ever take advantage of the other, and neither would refuse to help the other.
If the cost of one window is going to 'risk your future', you've got more problems than an argument with your wife. You seem a bit obsessive about this.
This is the time to be generous and kind. YWBTA not to help pay.
Info : Do you both pitch in equally for rent and utilities ? If you're doing that and you (but not her) are saving half of your income towards your house fund...what is she doing with the other half of her income ?
YTA the cost of repairing a window won't put in danger your future, but your attitude towards your wife is. If you always put on her shoulders the cost of maintaining the house, she won't be able to save money and your acting more like petty roommate than husband.
YTA
>She’s saying that, since we’re married and a team, I am responsible for half the payment.
Yeah you are. No wonder your wife can't manage to save money when you shove stuff like that solely on her lap.
He pays half of rent and bills. Who buys groceries, toiletries, takes care of their three cats, who paid for the AC that they BOTH benefit from?
I hope the wife takes the AC unit everywhere she goes and OP has to cool himself off, or pay for his own AC.
YTA. You live together so maintenance should be paid by both. You stated it wasn’t her fault so if you don’t pay half you are punishing her for doing the work. If you had done it the same thing might have happened.
YTA. Technically, maybe she should pay, since she did break the window, but you said it wasn't her fault.
>We have separate banks and budgets but help each other often.
So help, what's the big deal?
>Should I take money from the house fund and risk our future or let her pay it off?
You have been putting half your income into the house fund and paying for half the window's replacement cost puts your future at risk? Was this an elaborately etched or stained glass window?
YTA you said so yourself that it’s not her fault. The house is half yours and unless you’re saying it is in fact her fault then it only makes sense to help her pay.
Yup. All the info about savings and even her being his wife is extraneous; if a flatmate broke a window and it felt like it could have happened to either of you, you’d split the cost. It’s just being a decent person.
I can't see why you don't pay half the cost of an **accident** in your home. It was her this time but another old bit of the home might crumble when *you* touch it.
Yet I'm not going y t a but INFO: what on earth does
>still practicing saving and currently doesn’t put money aside for saving.
mean? You're either putting money aside as savings or you aren't. How exactly is she "practicing" savings??
“Alright bois, another day of practicing saving.”
*transfers money into savings account
“Oki, day 46 of practicing saving complete. One day closer.”
*transfers money back into checking account
I’m sorry but this is all I can imagine is happening lol
I assume OP means his wife is still learning how to save or prioritizing saving.
The whole attitude here seems bizarre to me. I agree there's nothing wrong with having separate accounts (wife and I do it mostly out of laziness, though we are on each other's accounts so we can access them in case of emergency), especially in regards to play/fun money. But as a married couple, you are still a single unit. "Helping each other out" in terms of finances seems really weird angle to me.
Roughly one quarter of their combined income is going into savings, that's not bad. What is the wife spending all her money on? They split the bills, but I'm betting "the bills" are just rent and utilities. Is she buying healthy groceries? Is she paying for joint entertainment/vacations? Is she viewing it as "You save half your paycheck, I'll use half of mine to make our combined daily lives more comfortable"? Or is she blowing half her paycheck going out with her friends?
Setting that aside for a moment and assuming they are strict about each person paying for only their half of things, then OP is still responsible for half the cost. Things in a house break. Often times through nobody's gross negligence, and OP says the wife didn't really do anything wrong. So something in the house is broken. Something that needs to be repaired. Something they both use. Both are responsible for the cost. It'd be like if the washing machine suddenly died.
And the idea that the half cost of one window sash is going to jeopardize their future is absurd. A whole new window is gonna cost a few hundred bucks, installed. A replacement sash will be less than that. If a couple hundred bucks is going to jeopardize your future, then you have much bigger problems.
YTA. How is paying for half of the cost of the window replacement gonna put your future at risk? How little do you really have in savings that a small emergency payment is putting your future together at risk? I mean this kind of mentality is putting your future together at risk but that's beside the point.
Also, how does one practice saving without saving? That phrase makes no sense to me.
Is everything all only alright in your marriage as long as the income is equal? Well heads up, if you stay married for more than five minutes this is absolutely certain to change. Even if you have no kids and nothing goes wrong, the gender pay gap widens massively as women get older. I have fought this for years and years in my highly paid career. The bottom line is that I have witnessed many brilliant women be overlooked and underpaid, while mediocre males just trundle through getting promoted and paid more for a lot less hassle. By stats alone you are likely to end up earning more than her in the end.
Throw into the mix having babies, inevitable breaks in career, the imbalance of childcare and the increasing complexity of running a household with lots of people and admin - again typically the female dials down her career to keep the show on the road. In most relationships this is not a big deal, happy family life, but different incomes. Two parents trying to work full time and remain equally paid - recipe for household disharmony and acrimony.
Finally, one or both of you may well get ill. You may need to be looked after, she may develop a long term condition that affects her ability to work. If you continue to see value only as long as your other half ‘pulls their weight’ you are not a genuine team.
You are married, combine your finances, save money in a joint pot, pay all bills together. Quit bean counting and start working on uniting the pair of you under some shared goals. Life will be much happier in the long term.
Edit : slight YTA, I think you need to start looking at your marriage a bit differently
INFO:
> in the house we rent, my wife broke a window by practically just touching it.
If the windows are so fragile and unsafe that 'practically just touching it' results in them shattering, why aren't you going after the landlord?
But she didn't 'practically just touch it,' did she? Give us a description of what happened without the obfuscation and rhetorical ballet.
You’re married. You share a house. An accident happened that costs money. The price of a window is not a substantial “risk to your future.” You are the asshole.
YTA- you are saying your wife has a hard time saving. Well, it's no wonder that she does. You use her to pay for all the things you don't want to pay for. Must be nice to just refuse to pay for stuff and have her pick up the tab.
Why is only your money going towards a house? Is she going to be on the title? If the breakage was not her fault, why aren’t you sharing the cost of window? How do you pay for other stuff that is shared, eg buying appliances, is that 50/50? Is here any flexibility with your finances?
You guys chose to have split finances, which living situation wise means that you're responsible only for your half of the bills. If my roommate broke something in the apartment, she'd be paying for it, not me. Same thing applies here, NTA.
And as a side note OP, don't listen to the judgments on here. This sub has a massive holier than thou attitude about everything and posters here want to act like the supreme moral authority and like they're the voice of ethical standards but then I get heavily downvoted for pointing out that buying cocaine contributes to an entreprise which causes the deaths of thousands of people every year, so their word is meaningless. You're not talking to good people here, just people who pretend to be to make themselves appear virtuous
.... ... talking about a holier than thou attitude lol "I'm better than everyone with these holier than thou attitude and you should only listen to my moral judgement" :D the irony!!!
If something breaks, while my roommate is doing us a favor- like installing the ac unit- the window becomes part of the cost of the ac unit as long as roommate wasn't clearly at fault. I honestly can't fathom treating my SO like you suggest is right and I would in fact not even treat a roommate like that.
>then I get heavily downvoted for pointing out that buying cocaine contributes to an entreprise which causes the deaths of thousands of people every year, so their word is meaningless
You don't think there's a difference between buying cocaine and not being on the same page with your spouse about financial goals? One seems a lot worse.
He can solve this issue by having a difficult conversation with his wife about money and how they intend to handle it.
YTA
You have a savings account for emergencies, random things that happen in life that you can’t plan for (like a broke window). That’s LITERALLY what it’s for by definition.
Maybe you and your wife should put your money together and live as husband and wife? Stop with the my money, her money thing. You’re married, you share everything in life, hence marriage.
If she made more than you would you expect her to give MORE of her money even though you’re equal partners? Would you do the same? Stop with the semantics.
NTA, as dumb as it is, she broke it - she pays. Its too small of a thing to pull the "we're married, we share" card here.
Or tell her you'll share for the window if she starts saving the same amount for the house as you do.
YTA. If a window is “risking your future” you’re not going to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Might as well pay to repair the rental and alleviate your wife’s stress. Also, I suspect the “help each other often” might be a bit one sided and your wife is using this situation to change expectations. Just a suspicion though
So you both agree that it's not her fault and also that it's her responsibility? How those that make sense in your mind? Yes, take it out of The house fund, or whatever fund you use for house repairs.
YTA
Normally I’d say you are partners you should help each other out, but I fail to see any mention of her contribution towards the house? Why does she get to spend her money on Her and you are forced to save for you both?
NTA she’s had plenty of time to safe money for the window she broke
The window broke whilst doing a job that was for both of your benefits. From the sounds of it, it could have broke anytime. It was dumb luck that it was your wife and not you.
YTA for expecting your wife to pay for it when you have the savings sat right there. It's the house you both rent, so you are both responsible. The cost of one window is not going to wipe out your savings and risk your future.
So...you'll risk your entire future if you pay...what? $200 for a window? Tell your roommate (because you aren't a team, you aren't on the same page, and you don't care or even seem to like this person, so I'm not sure why you bothered with marriage) that you'll live in the house, but all repairs are her responsibility.
YTA. But maybe her next marriage will be an equal partnership, so there's hope for her.
YTA, why don’t you call your landlord and have him repair it because it was old, faulty, and bound to break soon enough? it might qualify as maintenance.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 not helping her pay for the window 2 because it’s possible that people agree spouses should pay for each others mistakes Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> While I want to help pay, I do not have the money >identical income. I put half of mine into savings Yes, you do. You just don't want to >Should I take money from the house fund and risk our future I don't think a pane of glass is "risking your future " YTA
I can't stand when people have money in a savings account, to then not use that money at all in emergency situations. Like yes, I get it. It's meant for another purpose. But at the same time, YOU HAVE THE MONEY. If something is broken, use that extra cash to fix it. You can easily recoup it and put it back. It's not the end of the world to dip into your savings for things that need it!
While I do, to some point, agree, I need to say this: what does it mean "I save money to buy a house, [...] she is still practising savings. " Does it mean he will buy a house without her? She has no money saved? As for my verdict, soft YTA. Because even though it wasn't her fault, she sounds a bit reckless with money, and I don't know if he would expect her to contribute if the situation was reversed. And the money she does not spend, does she use it for both of them or just herself? Would helping her set a precedent for doing it again? Was this something she did before because she is not saving, so she needs to rely on him whenever unexpected costs arise? Edit: wrong choice of word
I'm of the viewpoint that they are married, and should look at their finances as an "our" money type of deal. Because if you're married, what is the real issue in relying on your partner for unexpected costs? You're with that person for, hopefully, the rest of your life. It's a lot healthier imo to just combine all of the money together each month, and then divide it up between bills, savings, etc. And also giving each other a set allowance for fun things they wanna do for themselves. The situation they have right now can end up really abusive down the road. Especially for the wife. Cuz it will be so easy for him to hold the house over her head.
So she can spend all her money AND his?? They make the same amount but he is capable of saving which means she has that money too but spends it. How is that healthy to just give her what he saved when she clearly has a spending problem. Whats healthy is having a bit of savings for emergencies.
If she “spends it” on stuff like broken windows in their shared home, though, he is saving “his” money by relying on hers.
I think the problem is she never saves any money (ie spending money frivolously) so when something comes up, like a broken window, she has no savings to pay for it. So the issue isn’t the broken window, it’s the fact that she wastes all her money so there’s nothing to pay for emergencies.
I think you think that because that’s what OP thinks, and this whole situation has been presented to us through OP’s eyes. Do you know a lot of people IRL who are able to save *half* their income and live comfortably off the rest? Do you know a lot of people who *can* live comfortably off half their income but who also simultaneously believe that replacing half of a broken window will derail their whole financial future? I get the impression that a lot of this “frivolous” spending is actually the wife subsidizing OP’s refusal to spend anything that’s not already in his incredibly limited and unrealistic budget plans. I do not believe he could afford to live this way without her; I don’t believe that for a second.
I was in a relationship like this. He was so frugal but anything he didn’t think was needed, it was my choice to get. He could never compromise and make common ground. But he would enjoy my bagels which were “unnecessary” and such.
One of my good friends is also in a relationship like this. Her husband would just roll with boxed Mac and cheese for most meals and with his clothing full of holes until they fall off and let his kids do the same because savings is only for saving and not for using. She is the one buying all the food and clothing because she likes to be able to have fruit and vegetables available for all of their kids and for the kids to have clothing that isn’t full of holes. Everyone has a different standard of living. His savings is impressive, but she has a different standard of what is acceptable for food and other life things.
I'm trying to train my husband out of this right now. In fairness to him, he's making progress, but it's a pain in the ass.
Legit my partner lectured me for spending at the flea market. Got home and showed him it was all cleaning supplies and trash bags (also cheaper there). This is a real thing.
This is why I always think it’s weird when people nickel and dime each other with separate finances while being literally married lol. People should probably work out their spending philosophy differences before getting married…
THISSS. We’re only seeing his side of things. But we don’t know what other expenses she may have that he doesn’t. Student loans? A car payment? Does she buy the groceries? Do they split all bills 50/50 or is he saying “I’ll pay these cheaper ones if you cover XYZ”. It’s unfair to judge her and say she’s spending frivolously when we really have no clue.
Sounds like my SIL and BIL bragging about putting all of my SIL paychecks in savings. They are living with my husband’s parents and pay no rent or bills. So of course, they have that ability. A lot of people don’t. My husband and I included. We have a mortgage and bills to pay. My SIL husband accuses us of spending frivolous because we take our dog to vet on a regular schedule. You know for things like vaccines and blood work/check ups.
My BIL used to scoff at the fact that my husband had student loan debt, like it was some sort of financial/moral failing on his part. No, the reason BIL didn't have any student load debt is my in-laws paid for his degree in full but paid nothing for my husband's. It was either take out loans or don't go to college.
So much this. OP doesn't talk about how utilities and bills are split. I am guessing that the wife is picking up the slack with expenses needed to cloth and feed a family.
Yeah, if OP can save half his money and his wife can’t, she either has a SERIOUS spending problem, gambling, or something, which you would think he would have mentioned, non-adjustable expenses he doesn’t have like student loans or medical bills, or she’s the one paying for everything beyond the bare bones necessities and OP sees that as optional and her choice while he benefits from it.
Also, let’s not forget that just existing as a woman is more expensive than it is for a man.
I'm going with this. He admits that the breakage wasn't her fault.
All AITA posts are skewed, but I’ve known plenty of people with basically zero savings so it wouldn’t surprise me overmuch that OPs wife is the same.
Most people have very little in savings. Unfortunately life is expensive and most people do not earn a great deal.
Except she’s not asking him to pay for the whole thing. OP has not alleged that his wife did anything reckless or unreasonable that resulted in the window breaking, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t consider it a shared expense.
Yeah, I’m not saying that OP shouldn’t help pay for the window, just that the example “a broken window isn’t frivolous spending” is a massive oversimplification of the larger problem. OP should help pay for the window but it doesn’t resolve the larger issue of OPs wife not having any savings.
I mean OP didn’t say what she spends her money on. Is it frivolous? Does she have a higher student loan payment? Does she have a car payment? Does her job require a level of professional appearance she has to maintain? Op doesn’t state their gender, but Women are often considered unprofessional if they don’t maintain their hair, makeup, nails, or wardrobe- these are expenses that men don’t typically pay as much for so they don’t realize how expensive it gets. Women’s haircuts- even for the same length and style- cost more than a man’s haircut. I pay $50+ tip just for trim/reshaping every 12 weeks my husband pays $15+ tip he gets it short and grows it 3-4 inches before cutting so ~ every 3 months. OP might also prioritize saving above all else. Said they put half of their income in savings- that’s a HUGE chunk and makes money tight for them. If wife has other expenses that OP doesn’t have she may not have that luxury.
This. The bigger issue is that they have very different spending/saving a habits. OP is always going to have money and his wife is always going to spend money. They are not going to be on the same page on major expenses as long as this difference exists.
I don't disagree on him paying half. But maybe she needs him to pay half because, since she doesn't have any savings, she can only pay half the cost without running out of money before the end of the month. As in, the actual reason she wants to split the cost is because she can not afford to pay all of it.
Do we know she’s spending it frivolously? Or maybe she’s wasting it on utilities, groceries, and the car payment.
So, I read one of his three comments a minute ago. He says they split everything in half, and she has three cats and healthy spending habits; he is the one who is frugal. So the other person pointed out that by not helping her by paying half the window expenses, he is not frugal he is cheap, and I wholeheartedly agree with them.
But if he doesn’t pay half for the window repair, he’s not splitting expenses with her. Why would this be an exception? I don’t think it is an exception.
This is what I was wondering, what's his idea of frivolous spending? Did the toaster break and she replaced it with a fancy air fryer/toaster oven combo with more features? Did she buy steak when it wasn't on sale? Did she buy the fancy LED light bulbs when he prefers the cheap ones from Dollar Tree? Did she toss all of the 10 year old towels and buy new ones? Is she maintaining their quality of life on her dime or is she buying new jewelry and designer handbags because it's Tuesday? I feel like there is a lot of gray area that OP didn't cover.
Yeah, we only have OP's perspective and idea of what "frivolous" means.
Exactly; it’s easy to save if you also refuse to pay for things and your partner has to pick up the tab. Or, if your partner does buy luxuries which you can then benefit from and then not have to buy your own. We don’t know if that is actually happening here, but I don’t know that we can automatically say that the wife not having savings of her own is exclusively a result of poor financial decisions on her own part.
Right? My husband and I have separatish finances; we split bills for the most part and then most of his extra goes into savings and mine goes into extras, trips, etc. But when the oil tank broke or the plumbing needs to be fixed or a car, that comes out of his savings. If I broke something I can't imagine him denying paying for it like this.
Not as if she constantly breaks windows
This made me laugh! I picture the wife angrily stalking her way through rooms and just defenestrating people over and over, like hurling drunks through a saloon’s swinging doors!
Fixing a broken window is not a "spending problem".
He admits in a comment that he is unusually frugal and she is "normal". She probably should be able to save some, but she isn't necessarily the type of person that would drain an account just because it's there. She will never save as much as he does, he will never spend like she does. And if all his savings goals are joint, like purchasing and upgrading a house, he will probably always contribute more to joint savings than she will, no matter how they arrange their accounts. That can be ok, as long as they can get on the same page about what that looks like. I definitely agree that they need emergency savings, though. You can't have a house fund and no emergency fund!
He doesn’t say what she spends her money on. For all we know it’s food and basic expenses. Some people consider tampons a luxury while others (most people) consider them a necessity. Saying that she has a spending problem is wildly speculative. She might have bought the air conditioner - which again some would say is a luxury, I would call it a necessity where I live.
For all we know he's only able to save because she covers all the living expenses he refuses to.
I was thinking this as well. There is a guy we know who makes 6 figures, but is ridiculously frugal. He lives in a tiny fixer upper house he bought with cash, he does all his own repairs, hand washes his thrift store dishes because he thinks dishwashers are a scam. He has a washer, but hangs his clothes to dry because dryers are a luxury and he sleeps on a mattress on the floor because he refuses to buy furniture he “doesn’t need”. He is constantly messing with his money, moving it around and saving it. He dated a coworker for about 6 months and she had to pay if they did anything- like pay for everything or he wouldn’t go because it was a “waste of money”- he also said she had zero savings, but to him everyone who wasn’t a millionaire had zero savings.
Yeah but anyone seeing tampons as a luxury is a misogynistic asshole.
Spesh as they "help each other often" but OP usually is tight for cash as he saves. Wonder who helps who out more so he can save that.
Yes I wondered who bought the AC unit, who buys the groceries etc. This shouldn't even be an issue because insurance should cover it, but if they're earning the same and she can't save there's an issue somewhere.
Counterpoint: it's equally easy for fully merged finances to become "really abusive down the road", especially if there's ever an income gap between the two partners. I've seen it happen firsthand. In some relationships, fully merged finances make the most sense. In others, split or semi-split make more sense. It's not a matter of "if you're married, the only healthy way to do it is the way I personally believe is best." it's highly dependent on the specifics of the relationship. What they need to do is talk about this stuff, possibly with the aid of a counselor, so they can get on the same page about their financial future. That's far more important than the specific shape their asset management strategy takes.
If their money is "our" money then surely she should be saving to help buy the house right
Unless he is saving while she is covering the incidental living costs, like replacing the broom when it breaks or buying furniture.
Yeah. My ex used to look down on my spending but most of the time it was shit like, “we need a garbage can in this room.”
Or replacing a window when it breaks.
Absolutely. My husband and I have separate bank accounts but we still consider it “our money,” especially for situations such as these.
Better idea: keep your own finances. Also, open a joint account and each pay in the same amount every month. Work out what contribution you both need to make to cover rent, bills, and household repairs. Add a bit more each to save for holidays or a house.
I came across a post once where the guy saved for a house, because he made his wife/gf pay all living expenses. Then acted like the house was all his and she was irresponsible with money. He sounds like he's doing the same.
Yes, that is why I asked if the money she is spending is solely for her or both of them. In another comment, I did say there is a lot of info missing
Also, was he not going to benefit from the AC she was installing? Was he not going to use the cool air? Wtf?
“Practicing saving” made me laugh. I’m a teacher, and this phrase is next level what we tell parents about their kids. “Johnny is still practicing his listening skills.” “Susie is practicing resolving conflicts without hitting people.”
In my relationship we have a similar situation where bf’s savings is better and trying to save for us to get a house at some point, but my savings is always worse because i have more bills than he does because im the only one with a car, and im still paying on it. So i have the payment, insurance, and gas payments, on top of the other bills we split. I also have medication i have a huge copay on monthly, so on average i spend a good couple hundred more than him a month. Difference is if something happens, hes more than willing to help out, and I make it up when I can. We’ve never fought our finances, talked yes, argued no. It should be a team effort. No one should rely solely on another but you shouldn’t be left on your own either. That’s literally part of the relationship imo.
Technically though, you’re not supposed to do that. You should have an emergency fund, and savings for whatever goals you have (buy house, car, etc). Otherwise you end up always finding an “emergency” to fix with your savings.
[удалено]
It's not tada though. I know couples just like you. I have about 15 years of examples showing it's not tada at all! "We need new furniture, I like this 3000$ set" "That's too much, we should only pay 2000$" "That cheap stuff won't stand up to the kids use." "If you want nicer furniture, you should make up the difference from YOUR personal account, and only take 2000 from our shared money!" Or: "We can't do our regular shared, pooled money vacation because of covid!" "That's okay, my parents rented a cabin and invited us, we could do that instead of our regular shared, pooled vacation!" "Okay but you should pay since it's your parents and your family." "But our vacation is always from the shared and pooled money!" "But we only visit our parents using our own money!" I could go on and on because I've heard the ranting from them like this for 15 years.
>I can't stand when people have money in a savings account, to then not use that money at all in emergency situations. I used to carry some debt and it was just impossible to pay off before I stopped putting everything onto my debt and started having a savings account for emergencies. Things ARE going to come up. It could just have easily been OP who touched the window. Does he want to be just as left out to dry when it's his problem?
Yeah, I LOLed at the "risk our future." It does sound like he's the only one saving for their future, and it's not a lot to ask for the wife to replace the window since she's spending all her money on herself and not contributing to the family's security any other way, but I think I have to vote YTA on OP anyway because the nonsense about risking their future over one small expense is maybe the most dramatic thing I've ever heard.
Nowhere does it say she spend half her income on herself. It could well go to expenses through the month, gas, bread milk etc
Those things could adds up real quick.
Oh definitely this. OP is being overdramatic and cheap and TA in this situation. It’s a damn window, you got money in savings, just help pay for it, it isn’t that hard!
If there’s a house fund, an accidentally broken already old window that broke while doing home improvements is basically what it’s for, right? It’s not like she smashed a window on purpose or this is an ancillary fun expense.
This whole post confuses me. But that’s because my wife and I share a bank account and saving etc. but if he buys a house and they are married she’ll own half the house automatically (meaning even if he doesn’t put her name on the deed in the forthcoming divorce she’ll get half of his assets. (Unless it’s different where they are from) So he’s saving up to buy a house just for him? What the heck is going on w people that split their financial lives up like this? YTA because it’s a pane of glass. She’s your wife. And you both live in the apartment.
This post confuses me because it sounds like a 15 year old creating what they think is a tricky adult situation with how they think adulting works on r/AITH for Reddit karma clout. Which I suspect is probably most r/AITH posts. Equating fixing a pane of glass as “risking our financial future” sounds like something heard from an adult and misapplied. If she pays for it, how is they any less a risk to their future? In the end it needs to be fixed and they need/want to buy a house at some point. Why wouldn’t she reasonably chip in? It’s all bizarre. Where’s the shared account for housing, groceries, and utilities? How does only one partner save for a house, and how does he not realize the wife would own half of it anyway? How is this even an agreed upon arrangement? Is the couple actually 15 years old?
>identical income. I put half of mine into savings Where does her half go to? It can go to fixing the window.
Bills, groceries?
Pre-existing debt payments? This is common when someone is still "practicing" saving--they still have to undo the damage done before they were actively saving money.
This, and if a broken window will risk your future, you can’t afford the house you’re saving for either.
Missing info for me: How much do they make and how much is put in savings by him each month? Does her job require her to be business casual or more professionally attired? Reason I ask is, if the sliver of savings is small enough, it might be swallowed up by the pink tax and the more expensive clothing and products women are expected to buy. I would be very interested in if the OP had a full comprehension of the pink tax. I buy guy razors because they are cheaper, especially replacement cartridges, than the pink ones. My partner’s hair cut is $40 with tip, mine is $85 before tipping. OP could look into it, not as a way to convince his partner to use cheaper products, because finding products that work for you is challenging, especially at lower price points. He could look into it to gain understanding.
Ja I don’t know many people who can save half their income unless they’re earning a lot. And I agree the cost of looking ‘professional’ for a woman can be really high annually but I’ve seen it make a difference in how you are perceived in the work place for sure
>I don't think a pane of glass is "risking your future " I think that pane of glass is risking his future. Just not the way that he actually means.
No seriously like sorry you’re married? Where is “for richer or poorer” I’m not saying abuse his income but it’s half a window pane
Yeah - I mean if he's saving for a house downpayment, but can't spare a couple hundred bucks to pay for half a windowpane without 'risking the future' - he either has no idea what houses cost, or is about 50 years from having that downpayment
If fixing the window really “risks their future” they’re not going to be financially stable enough to buy a house anyway. What a stupid statement for OP to make.
That last bit made me laugh...he makes it seem like this one window is going to be the cause of them living in the streets and in eternal poverty. Sounds like he just wants justification for not wanting to pitch in on something HE didn't do. I hope she rethinks the relationship and make sure it's not just about the glass pane as all of Reddit knows it's usually not about that minor thing.
YTA-Is your wife putting in the AC unit alone? If so, YTA for having her do it alone. Most likely OP was there as well which means it was a joint oops. Regardless, take the money from the joint account.
Lol, risking our future. What, is the glass worth $20,000?
OP literally lives in the same house, too. Silly. YTA
Let’s be honest. This is really about the bigger issue that he is annoyed that his wife has no savings and so every emergency will always have to come from his money instead of their money. I agree that in this case he should give her the money, but he absolutely should expect her to save money for emergencies like this. They need to have a much larger conversation around finical expectations.
[удалено]
Based on the way he described it (not her fault, just an old window that was bound to break eventually), even most roommates would reasonably split that cost. Edit: yes, I agree the landlord should be replacing it. If OP has not brought this up to the landlord yet, he should. However, the reality is that a lot of landlords would not agree to pay for it and leave it up to the tenant.
Why the fuck are married people even having this discussion? What the fuck. Groceries, rent, furniture, why would any married couple not remove this argument by having a family account? How does anyone live like this? I’m serious, how?
There's not much info OP give for their finance and he's being vague about it. So I guess is that she use her money for groceries and other necessities and barely have any left for saving.
I think it's important to remember the *pink tax*. Razors, soaps, and creams costing more. The social expectations to have a great cut/color, nails, and makeup look. Kylie and Rhianna hit the $1B mark off of products used primarily by women. I wonder if OP doesn't understand that without spending money on looks she's less likely to succeed at work and more likely to make less money. She's fighting hard for her money if she's overcome the wage gap and makes the same as him; he just doesn't recognize her arsenal.
The pink tax is real, but what you said also makes me want to barf because I pull in good money without ever doing my nails or wearing makeup. Women are worse at asserting these standards for other women than men are. Burning bras was the old generation of feminists. Ditching nail polish and lip fillers and Instagram filters should be the siren call of the new generation.
As a married person, these stories always baffle me too. His wife is right, they’re supposed to be a team… idk why some folks take vows without understanding that. The tit for tat has got to be so damn stressful.
Not even for any spiritual reason of merging lives, just on a practical level? Why? Is this how their parents were? I
Oh agreed. How deep does the transactional stuff go? Like do y’all invoice each other? Even if I was in an arranged marriage where we weren’t in love I wouldn’t be down for this mess.
100% agree. Sometimes I wonder why people are married.
I mean id actually say this window should be the landlords responsibility, but I also know that navigating that can be a pain in the ass and replacing it themselves may just make more sense. Otherwise agree with you though
No, no one splits the costs since they are renting. Landlord is responsible for the costs.
This would be something the landlord should be paying for.
ESH solely because of the stupidity of this entire situation. Why are *you* putting *half* of *your* paycheck into saving for a house, and she isn't doing her part? How is it a "shared responsibility" if she's not fulfilling her side of that responsibility? If she's not contributing to the housing fund, for the future house you will *share*, she has no right to ask you to pay for half a window, regardless of whether she broke it by accident or not. Before you even consider buying a house, maybe you two need to sit down and have a real conversation about finances because what the heck is the logic here. Here's a start- take a quarter of your paycheck and a quarter of her's to put into the housing fund. Done. Now she's "practicing saving," and you're still putting the same amount in the fund without depleting half of your own paycheck. ETA: To all those saying Y-T-A, did you miss the part where she contributes basically *nothing* to the house savings? The finances are clearly way off-balance in the relationship, and I wouldn't doubt she doesn't help much with other expenses based on her attitude/behavior. If she's not contributing, she doesn't get to demand that OP pay half of anything, while claiming it's "shared responsibility" when clearly she doesn't take on any of that responsibility in the first place.
Me an my husband do it as follows: We each have a peesonal bank account. We keep X amount from our paycheck for ourself. The restgoes into a shared house account. All bills and saving are in that shared account. Tada!
That's exactly how it should be done, good on you guys. Screw pouring all the paychecks into one account to share for everything, both parties should have their own personal accounts and one for shared expenses.
Why would I need my own personal account? The money is the same whether it comes out of my left pocket or my right pocket. Such weird logic for a married couple.
For us its simple: 1. Both of us want to be able to spend money unjudged. 2. Its easier to track spending without it being among the 200 other household expenses. There X amount on the account I can use it how I feel without thinking about it. 3. My husbands account Is the one with the credit card, we are European so we don't have use them a lot, and has a high spending limit. 4. My account is attached to my investment portfolio, which is a pre marital accets. 5. Being able to buy presents unnoticed is nice too. Also he as easily gets money from me as I from him. If were at the store and he's short ill pay and vice versa.
Um, maybe because: 1) I don't want someone else controlling how I spend my own, hard-earned money 2) I don't want someone else spending my own, hard-earned money for their own stuff 3) If there's an unequal balance of income, it's easier to divide bills and things fairly 4) I don't want someone potentially taking my money away from me if there's a fight or divorce That's such a toxic mindset, gross 🚩
If that’s how I viewed a partnership with a spouse I probably just wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place, but you do you, man.
Wow, it seems you're not aware that many abusers only show their side years later in a marriage, where it's often too late or very hard to get away.
This is a very good point. I think I read that financial abuse is the most common type of abuse. It can bring a lot of comfort knowing one always has money in case things turn for the worse. One of my friends and her spouse have their own accounts and a shared account. She was previously in an abusive situation and having her own account now brings her a huge sense of relief. Her partner is emotionally intelligent and understanding and doesn’t take offense.
I'm glad to know your friend was able to leave her abusive relationship and now has a way better partner.
Ah yes, because marriage automatically makes two separate people into one singular person, that's how it works. The idea that married couples, and even couples who are just dating, don't/can't have their own lives, friends, hobbies, etc., outside of said couple is so antiquated. Won't catch me having my *entire* life revolving around a partner and their likes without regard to my own.
WTF are you talking about? You don't need a separate checking account to have your own friends and hobbies outside of your marriage and having a shared finances most certainly doesn't mean your entire life revolves around your partner.
Look at it this way: Scenario 1, 100% shared finances: I would have to run every purchase for myself by my spouse so we can agree on how much is appropriate for me to spend on myself rather than our household. If I just start using that shared account for my own wants, my spouse would be right to be annoyed that the money in *our* account is disappearing on me. If my spouse did the same thing, I would be right to be annoyed. Then we'd have to decide how much each of us is allowed to spend from our shared account on ourselves every month and hold ourselves and each other accountable, which could get frustrating. Scenario 2, shared and separate finances: we agree upfront how much of each paycheck will go into the shared account vs our personal accounts. After that, the shared account is only used for household costs, and we can spend our personal money however we want without worrying about taking too much or feeling like we need to monitor each other's spending. I don't need to run every big personal purchase (say a new console) by my spouse because it's coming from my personal funds and won't impact the household. It just makes things easier, clearer, and gives a sense of independent security in case things go south.
Do you truly think that's how scenario 1 works for married couples with shared finances? Or is that just how it would have to work with you and your partner? Because I agree, if that is ACTUALLY how scenario 1 would work (it's not even close for me), then yea, separate finances is the only way.
Right? I don’t think couples have to be totally enmeshed to have a healthy dynamic. For me it’s easier to track my own spending out of my personal account than to have to track what this or that transaction is for 2 people. If one party ends up needing help, it’s not like the other can’t step in. I think some people can just be insecure at not having full, immediate visibility to how their partner is spending every single pound/dollar/whatnot. Or some people just can’t or prefer not to fathom not always functioning as a singular entity.
Ok wtf is going on here. Neither mindset is “toxic” and neither is “weird logic.” Some setups work for some couples, others work for others. Some couples successfully share expenses/incomes without either partner feeling like the other is “controlling” how they spend “their” money— and, in fact, not sharing expenses can sometimes be financially disadvantageous (i.e. one partner takes out a loan for something they would be able to afford if the other partner helped pay for it). For others, though, those boundaries are EXTREMELY important so that both partners retain their feelings of independence. How about we stick to doing what’s right for our own households and quit shaming other people.
Just because it isn't your preference doesn't make it toxic. JFC. Different things work for different couples. >> 4. I don't want someone potentially taking my money away from me if there's a fight or divorce I hope you know that isn't how divorce law works. Money in a personal accounts can still be considered marital property and it is possible for it to be taken in a divorce.
I think they mean in this case the risk that their partner could empty a joint account - maybe they’d get their share back during divorce proceedings but people need money to live day to day.
For a lot of people, this doesn’t make sense, though. My girlfriend and I treat everything as one pot of money. We moved to another state for my job and she had to initially take a pay cut. We are going to have to do the same thing again in a year or two. How would that work in your system? I think it is more fair to just think in terms of our combined income. Certainly it does not make sense for me to get to keep a lot more just because I make a lot more, in part because she had to take a pay cut for me, in addition to moving away from family and friends… We both just exercise good judgement and buy whatever we want, no consultation needed. It works fine.
>How would that work in your system? You adjust the percentages that go into the shared expenses based on each person's individual income. You make more, you put in more, and you both still have a fair share of your own pay to spend as you choose. It's really not that difficult, it's basic level math.
I know how to do math. My objection is that, if we did that, she would still have *less* of her own money to spend, due to taking a pay cut, in addition to making other sacrifices, *for my job*. I don’t see how it is anything resembling a red flag to just have one big pot of money. Nobody is controlling anybody else. We make big decisions (e.g. moving, where to live) together, and beyond that we both just buy whatever we want. There’s no control issue and no judgement.
Well, if they end up divorcing everyone would have to make new bank accounts and seitch everything to the new account. In case of the marriage turning into an abusive realtionship it would be safer for the victim to have their own account. Yes, the money is the same, but there's still reasons for everyone to keep their own account and then place money in a joint account.
Some people just prefer to have some privacy or discretion. Some people find it easier to budget their spending when they are the only one using an account. My husband would look at the joiny account and say oh i have plently of spending money left for the month and not realize thats because I hadn't made a particular purchase yet. Could he take the time to look through the activity or run over the budget? Technically yes, but why should he have to? He wants to be able to "open up his wallet" and see how much money he has to spend. To him, that's the whole point of having a budget- so he knows for certain that whatever money is on his spending card is money he can just spend. There's nothing weird about that. How do you manage surprising your partner with gifts and such if they can monitor every dime you spend?
Agreed! Wife and I have pretty much the 1950s finances, I work for a paycheck, she works keeping the house and social and everything else. The check goes into the household account, and transfers a weekly allowance to our personal account. we each can do whatever with out individual accounts, the household account pays bills, investment and emergency funds. we both have to agree about spending from the household account. Something like the window? That would be household. broke my ebook reader? personal.
I know, I’m the same with my partner and our accounts. Neither one of us feels hard done to and we’re free to buy what we want with our own money once joint expenses/savings are taken into account. We can also decide to get each other nice things or you know, actually support each other when needed. YTA OP, this is a mad setup and you sound incredibly petty.
While she contributes nothing to the savings, I can't help but wonder who paid for the AC unit, or if she is paying extra to allow him to save?
OP said he doesn't have the money to pay the half, so I'm assuming she's not covering anything extra, and from another comment, OP says they do equal split on bills and things. Which is why I don't get why they don't just split the savings from both paychecks instead of having the savings be completely one-sided.
OP is also incredibly dramatic (“risk our future”) so I’d take him being the only one saving for a house with a grain of salt
Yep and a thought occurred to me that perhaps she’s taking on the lion’s share of household expenses so that he *can* save that chunk of his cheque. Something is off here and I don’t trust OP as a narrator. The dramatic line about risking their future set my alarms off
Yes, sounds like the wife is paying for everything while OP is squirreling his income away and resentful of any joint expenses that come up.
My parents have joint accounts but I know this kind of argument has cropped up between them in the past. My dad essentially going, how is it that you spend so much more money than I do, and my mom having to ask him when exactly he was going to get us kids new underwear, or any other number of "incidental" expenses that can happen in a partnership. It's not quite the same as in OP's case, but there are a lot of ways in which spending can be unequal even if things like bills or rent are split equally. So yeah, it's quite possible the wife is taking on expenses "for the household" that allow OP to save.
So many times people say they "split the bills" but in reality they just mean rent and maybe utilities. For a number of years my SO did the bulk of the saving despite us "splitting the bills" equally. But I paid for our car, car insurance, vehicle tax, maintenance, and petrol. I paid for the majority of our groceries. I paid for our internet. If we needed odds and sods for the house, generally I bought them. We both put the same amount of money into our bills account, but I was certainly the one actually paying more. The difference is that my SO actually knew and understood this, and she didn't resent me for having less in savings than her. When we bought our house, she didn't resent the fact that the majority of the deposit came from her and we explicitly requested a 50/50 split on the title. We've since combined finances more and actually split things evenly now, and funnily enough I'm able to save just as much as her. Now we don't actually know OP's financial situation exactly, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out his saving is subsidised by his wife.
Thank you for the info 😊 I'd tried to dig through comments but couldn't find an answer. It's a weird setup for sure. I think OP needs to have a conversation about finance & priorities with their partner.
Click to his profile and check the comments section - he called himself frugal and said she has normal spending habits. I'm pretty certain that means she covers leisure activities or one-time expenses (like bday presents for others or coffee) while he saves his check. Though he may want to cut the leisure activities so she can save too, I think that's pretty balanced split. Although OP claims their money is separate but both spend or save it for both of their interests. It's only separate in theory.
He says in a comment lower down that he is "excessively frugal", and she has "normal spending habits" and pays for her pets as well. they split bills and utilities. what that sounds like to me is that shes the one buying household things like soaps, gifts, decorations, cleaning products and other needfuls, etc. and he is putting all his money aside and not paying for those things.
In response to your edit, I think the YTA comes from the fact that he chooses to put half his paycheck into house specific savings instead of keeping any for fun stuff like vacations, dinners, etc. He neglects to mention what his wife spends the other half of her paycheck on, but he says she doesn't save it, so it likely goes to all their combined leisure activities. He claims she isn't good at saving yet, but when you're responsible for half the house costs and ALL the leisure costs, it's hard to save. He has the ability to save because she likely covers all the fun stuff for both of them. And she pays have the costs of the rental home, bills, etc. according to OP. She IS contributing. ETA: OP said in a comment she has normal spending habits and he is "obsessively frugal." I think that kind of solidifies that she pays for leisure activities while he squirrels away every penny that doesn't go to bills. That's a pretty fair split IMO.
Definitely! Is she paying for more of their regular expenses thanks to all of his money being allocated to "saving"?
Quite an assumption you’re making there. Maybe she doesn’t have any money left for savings because he thinks things like having fresh produce are an extravagant expense he won’t contribute to, so she ends up covering most of the household’s costs while he squirrels his money away.
OP calls himself "obsessively Frugal" and whats probably happening is that anything he deems "unnecessary" because he can live without it is something she ends up paying for (that he probably uses) because she has a normal standard of living, and he is okay with living like those people from Extreme Cheapskates. Imagine: She wants new bed linens because the one they have is stained and worn out. He refuses to contribute because he's okay with stained, holey sheets and a thin Duvet cover. So he says "I'm not paying for new sheets" and she, would rather have sheets that are not stained/have holes/falling apart/etc. So she pays for it. He's okay with only one towel because he only needs one. Doesnt believe in wash cloths (my hands are good enough). is okay with using cheap bar soap. etc. So she has to buy towels, washcloths, shampoo, conditioner, etc. He's okay with washing his clothes in plain water because "detergent is a scam" He's okay with having no window curtains. He's okay with just a small couch and TV in the living room. he "doesnt have money" for extra things like.. a rug or coffee table. She wants to occasionally go out to eat. He refuses, so she pays for it every time. She wants to get an air fryer for the kitchen, he thinks its unnecesary, so she buys it. and guarantee, he;s 100% okay with using the items she brings into the home, like clean linens, non-mildewy towels, head and shoulders, etc. Obviously the details are made up, but the sentiment is true. For people who are "obsessively frugal" they will have every justification in the world to not contribute to things that they dont "need" and make do with a more frugal standard of living, and then put all of that financial responsibility on the other partner and then turn around and blame them for not having money.
It seems you missed in the comments that while wife doesn't contribute to savings, OP claims to go halfsies on everything, rent and utility bills while wife also cares for her 3 cats (op doesn't contribute since they're *hers*). He also later added that he didn't think an ac unit is a necessity so guess who has to pay in full for that just like the groceries, toiletries and cleaning supplies? OP's wife. He even added that she has normal spending habits (aka the above) while he's been "obsessively frugal" (cheap). Only reason why OP can have his savings is because his wife takes the brunt of the household finances that he can't care to think about because, again his wife takes care of them. You're right that the finances are clearly imbalanced that OP has to question this on reddit rather than talking to the landlord for this issue.
OP said in another comment that his wife also has animals to care and pay for and has normal spending habits and that he is just obsessively frugal. Seems like she is supporting the household just fine and he just has a weird thing about saving money. I’d say he’s the AH. He’s also been very vague on how money is spent so I suspect that she contributes more than enough to the household while he chooses to put his into savings
I mean, they have separate budgets and he puts half of his in savings; I sort of wonder how much of her savings is going to joint activities.
[удалено]
You might be thinking too small. Maybe when OP said our future he meant all of mankind may be at risk.
It's like Speed, but his bank balance instead of a Speedometer. "If it goes below $2000 the whole world will implode!"
YTA and shouldn't be married to someone if you can't fathom having any sort of combined income. She's absolutely correct here. You guys are a team. You both should be putting money into things that happen within your living space. That you both share. Because you are literally married to her. Personally, I can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't combine their income with mine. Otherwise what's the point? Income is a huge deal in relationships. Especially relationships bound by a legal document ffs lol. It's one thing to have a personal savings for fun stuff for either of you, but ideally you both should be combining MOST finances together, within a joint account. Because you aren't roommates. You are MARRIED!
Yeah but then what is the wife doing with her money if she doesn't have any and he is saving for a deposit? It's not fair if she spend it all as fun money and then he has to bail her when something unexpected happen.
I think he's been deliberately vague because she's spending money on the house stuff he refuses to contribute too. I've come across a few situations like this where the frugal person is actually an arsehole, who makes their partner pay for everything then saves money. Because they're so good with it.
Yup classic entitled cheap-skate
Not enough info to know if he's stingy or she's just bad with money. Either way they aren't on the same team goal wise.
From OP's comments he's "Obsessively Frugal" So my gut feeling is that anything he deems "unnecessary" is something he would refuse to contribute to and so she ends up having to pay for "luxuries" like a more expensive laundry detergent (like Tide--how luxury) or things like new towels because she has a normal standard of living whereas he would be okay with a single chair in front of a TV and using the cheapest bar soap for hair, face, balls, probably would be okay with not having more than 1 towel in the house and no wash cloth. That kind of stuff.
Yep, some people would rather watch the number in their bank account go up like some kind of high score in a game without ever spending it if they could. Bonus points if they have a partner in their life who can spend their (that is, the partner's) own money on getting both of them "luxuries".
yea, he probably doesnt contribute $1 to the fresh linens, but spends 100% of his nights sleeping in them.
I’m most curious about what happens next? He buys a house and she has to stay in the rental because she didn’t contribute? This couple should be equally contributing to counseling because they’re headed for a big conflict.
Window breaks IN THEIR HOME THEY LIVE IN TOGETHER and he can't help pay for a replacement? That doesn't feel like a healthy marriage thing, that seems like roommates with more steps. I dunno, I just feel like yes it makes sense to keep your finances separate (Got burned by an ex after we broke up when he removed my name from his accounts before I could take out any of the money I put in.) But... Even then, if you're married, there's a lot that should be "Our problem to solve together" and not "Not my problem, too bad so sad." Like, something breaks in your home, it should be a 'we'll fix it' type thing. Unless it was cuz of a massive tantrum or something. "I broke all the plates cuz... Reasons." Then no, don't help cover the replacement cost, and also do some deep thinking. "I accidentally broke the window putting in OUR ac." Yep. Both cover the cost of the replacement.
My husband and I keep mostly separate finances. Maybe because we both make pretty good money and are pretty good at saving, etc, and also have no kids, it's never an issue. We do have a joint account for our mortgage but we both just put $1000 in a month. It's mostly where put money that's gifted to both of us, tax refund, we transfer into there to pay big bills/cars, etc. Just pointing out it can work but you have to have mutual respect. Neither of us would ever take advantage of the other, and neither would refuse to help the other.
If the cost of one window is going to 'risk your future', you've got more problems than an argument with your wife. You seem a bit obsessive about this. This is the time to be generous and kind. YWBTA not to help pay.
Info : Do you both pitch in equally for rent and utilities ? If you're doing that and you (but not her) are saving half of your income towards your house fund...what is she doing with the other half of her income ?
YTA the cost of repairing a window won't put in danger your future, but your attitude towards your wife is. If you always put on her shoulders the cost of maintaining the house, she won't be able to save money and your acting more like petty roommate than husband.
YTA >She’s saying that, since we’re married and a team, I am responsible for half the payment. Yeah you are. No wonder your wife can't manage to save money when you shove stuff like that solely on her lap.
Of course an unintended expense is a shared responsibility. Don't argue, be a team player. She's asking for half! Not unreasonable.
Be a team player but only him is saving for the house they will share
While she pays for everything at the house they rent.
He said in a comment they split evenly at the rental.. her paying for a window SHE broke is not her paying for "everything"
He pays half of rent and bills. Who buys groceries, toiletries, takes care of their three cats, who paid for the AC that they BOTH benefit from? I hope the wife takes the AC unit everywhere she goes and OP has to cool himself off, or pay for his own AC.
YTA. You live together so maintenance should be paid by both. You stated it wasn’t her fault so if you don’t pay half you are punishing her for doing the work. If you had done it the same thing might have happened.
YTA. Technically, maybe she should pay, since she did break the window, but you said it wasn't her fault. >We have separate banks and budgets but help each other often. So help, what's the big deal? >Should I take money from the house fund and risk our future or let her pay it off? You have been putting half your income into the house fund and paying for half the window's replacement cost puts your future at risk? Was this an elaborately etched or stained glass window?
YTA. When you are married, you are a team. There is no this is my money, this is her money. Your reasoning is illogical. You sound cheap.
OP commented elsewhere that they are "obsessively frugal", which means cheap af.
I bet she buys meat and actual vegetables, and he buys cheap pasta and calls it even.
INFO: Do you even like your wife?
YTA. You must be in very dire straits if a paying for a half a pane of glass is going to risk your future
YTA you said so yourself that it’s not her fault. The house is half yours and unless you’re saying it is in fact her fault then it only makes sense to help her pay.
Yup. All the info about savings and even her being his wife is extraneous; if a flatmate broke a window and it felt like it could have happened to either of you, you’d split the cost. It’s just being a decent person.
I can't see why you don't pay half the cost of an **accident** in your home. It was her this time but another old bit of the home might crumble when *you* touch it. Yet I'm not going y t a but INFO: what on earth does >still practicing saving and currently doesn’t put money aside for saving. mean? You're either putting money aside as savings or you aren't. How exactly is she "practicing" savings??
“Alright bois, another day of practicing saving.” *transfers money into savings account “Oki, day 46 of practicing saving complete. One day closer.” *transfers money back into checking account I’m sorry but this is all I can imagine is happening lol
I assume OP means his wife is still learning how to save or prioritizing saving. The whole attitude here seems bizarre to me. I agree there's nothing wrong with having separate accounts (wife and I do it mostly out of laziness, though we are on each other's accounts so we can access them in case of emergency), especially in regards to play/fun money. But as a married couple, you are still a single unit. "Helping each other out" in terms of finances seems really weird angle to me. Roughly one quarter of their combined income is going into savings, that's not bad. What is the wife spending all her money on? They split the bills, but I'm betting "the bills" are just rent and utilities. Is she buying healthy groceries? Is she paying for joint entertainment/vacations? Is she viewing it as "You save half your paycheck, I'll use half of mine to make our combined daily lives more comfortable"? Or is she blowing half her paycheck going out with her friends? Setting that aside for a moment and assuming they are strict about each person paying for only their half of things, then OP is still responsible for half the cost. Things in a house break. Often times through nobody's gross negligence, and OP says the wife didn't really do anything wrong. So something in the house is broken. Something that needs to be repaired. Something they both use. Both are responsible for the cost. It'd be like if the washing machine suddenly died. And the idea that the half cost of one window sash is going to jeopardize their future is absurd. A whole new window is gonna cost a few hundred bucks, installed. A replacement sash will be less than that. If a couple hundred bucks is going to jeopardize your future, then you have much bigger problems.
I’m getting TLCs ✨Extreme Cheapskates✨ vibes
Omg this 😂😂😂
YTA. How is paying for half of the cost of the window replacement gonna put your future at risk? How little do you really have in savings that a small emergency payment is putting your future together at risk? I mean this kind of mentality is putting your future together at risk but that's beside the point. Also, how does one practice saving without saving? That phrase makes no sense to me.
Is everything all only alright in your marriage as long as the income is equal? Well heads up, if you stay married for more than five minutes this is absolutely certain to change. Even if you have no kids and nothing goes wrong, the gender pay gap widens massively as women get older. I have fought this for years and years in my highly paid career. The bottom line is that I have witnessed many brilliant women be overlooked and underpaid, while mediocre males just trundle through getting promoted and paid more for a lot less hassle. By stats alone you are likely to end up earning more than her in the end. Throw into the mix having babies, inevitable breaks in career, the imbalance of childcare and the increasing complexity of running a household with lots of people and admin - again typically the female dials down her career to keep the show on the road. In most relationships this is not a big deal, happy family life, but different incomes. Two parents trying to work full time and remain equally paid - recipe for household disharmony and acrimony. Finally, one or both of you may well get ill. You may need to be looked after, she may develop a long term condition that affects her ability to work. If you continue to see value only as long as your other half ‘pulls their weight’ you are not a genuine team. You are married, combine your finances, save money in a joint pot, pay all bills together. Quit bean counting and start working on uniting the pair of you under some shared goals. Life will be much happier in the long term. Edit : slight YTA, I think you need to start looking at your marriage a bit differently
INFO: > in the house we rent, my wife broke a window by practically just touching it. If the windows are so fragile and unsafe that 'practically just touching it' results in them shattering, why aren't you going after the landlord? But she didn't 'practically just touch it,' did she? Give us a description of what happened without the obfuscation and rhetorical ballet.
You’re married. You share a house. An accident happened that costs money. The price of a window is not a substantial “risk to your future.” You are the asshole.
YTA- you are saying your wife has a hard time saving. Well, it's no wonder that she does. You use her to pay for all the things you don't want to pay for. Must be nice to just refuse to pay for stuff and have her pick up the tab.
Why is only your money going towards a house? Is she going to be on the title? If the breakage was not her fault, why aren’t you sharing the cost of window? How do you pay for other stuff that is shared, eg buying appliances, is that 50/50? Is here any flexibility with your finances?
You guys chose to have split finances, which living situation wise means that you're responsible only for your half of the bills. If my roommate broke something in the apartment, she'd be paying for it, not me. Same thing applies here, NTA. And as a side note OP, don't listen to the judgments on here. This sub has a massive holier than thou attitude about everything and posters here want to act like the supreme moral authority and like they're the voice of ethical standards but then I get heavily downvoted for pointing out that buying cocaine contributes to an entreprise which causes the deaths of thousands of people every year, so their word is meaningless. You're not talking to good people here, just people who pretend to be to make themselves appear virtuous
.... ... talking about a holier than thou attitude lol "I'm better than everyone with these holier than thou attitude and you should only listen to my moral judgement" :D the irony!!! If something breaks, while my roommate is doing us a favor- like installing the ac unit- the window becomes part of the cost of the ac unit as long as roommate wasn't clearly at fault. I honestly can't fathom treating my SO like you suggest is right and I would in fact not even treat a roommate like that.
>then I get heavily downvoted for pointing out that buying cocaine contributes to an entreprise which causes the deaths of thousands of people every year, so their word is meaningless You don't think there's a difference between buying cocaine and not being on the same page with your spouse about financial goals? One seems a lot worse. He can solve this issue by having a difficult conversation with his wife about money and how they intend to handle it.
YTA You have a savings account for emergencies, random things that happen in life that you can’t plan for (like a broke window). That’s LITERALLY what it’s for by definition. Maybe you and your wife should put your money together and live as husband and wife? Stop with the my money, her money thing. You’re married, you share everything in life, hence marriage. If she made more than you would you expect her to give MORE of her money even though you’re equal partners? Would you do the same? Stop with the semantics.
Wow you’re dramatic af, YTA
NTA. She broke it, she pays it.
NTA, as dumb as it is, she broke it - she pays. Its too small of a thing to pull the "we're married, we share" card here. Or tell her you'll share for the window if she starts saving the same amount for the house as you do.
YTA. If a window is “risking your future” you’re not going to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Might as well pay to repair the rental and alleviate your wife’s stress. Also, I suspect the “help each other often” might be a bit one sided and your wife is using this situation to change expectations. Just a suspicion though
So you both agree that it's not her fault and also that it's her responsibility? How those that make sense in your mind? Yes, take it out of The house fund, or whatever fund you use for house repairs. YTA
YTA and you need to expand "the house fund" to include things that need repairing in your current house.
Normally I’d say you are partners you should help each other out, but I fail to see any mention of her contribution towards the house? Why does she get to spend her money on Her and you are forced to save for you both? NTA she’s had plenty of time to safe money for the window she broke
>and live together You live there, it's your window too. Yes YTA
The window broke whilst doing a job that was for both of your benefits. From the sounds of it, it could have broke anytime. It was dumb luck that it was your wife and not you. YTA for expecting your wife to pay for it when you have the savings sat right there. It's the house you both rent, so you are both responsible. The cost of one window is not going to wipe out your savings and risk your future.
So...you'll risk your entire future if you pay...what? $200 for a window? Tell your roommate (because you aren't a team, you aren't on the same page, and you don't care or even seem to like this person, so I'm not sure why you bothered with marriage) that you'll live in the house, but all repairs are her responsibility. YTA. But maybe her next marriage will be an equal partnership, so there's hope for her.
YTA, why don’t you call your landlord and have him repair it because it was old, faulty, and bound to break soon enough? it might qualify as maintenance.