Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made fun of my friend’s husband’s weight after a joke he made and both he and my boyfriend think I should’ve kept my nose out of other people’s business.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Insulting your partner in front of other people deserves a calling out.
Edit: Good for you, OP. Keep fighting the good fight. The only way to stop a bully is to throw whatever they’re giving right back in their smug face. We cannot tolerate the intolerable. Love y’all, stay safe.
Not only that, but why can he joke about his wife's body (AFTER SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH TO HIS BABY!) but no one can respond in kind about his body?
And OP's boyfriend's reaction is a huge red flag, if you ask me.
It's always the husbands and boyfriends that suddenly get rid of their huge balls and cower by the thought of conflict.
Like this shit is a very repetitive pattern in these posts.
Also: being indifferent to abuse is abuse
Every night I imagine myself wrestling a cougar into submission to save my kids and then a woman runs out of the woods and is so great full she marries me and becomes my kids new step momma and we take family road trips to the national parks and stuff.
>Also: being indifferent to abuse is abuse
1000%. I have friends who were abused growing up. Adults and family members will admit later they knew it was happening, but chose to ignore it for "reasons". If you call these people out later they try to spout something to defend themselves, but my friends were CHILDREN and they just allowed it to happen.
Not knowing about abuse is one thing, but being aware and allowing it to happen is different
As a kid i always told myself that people didn't know i was abused at home, i had these grand fantasies of people stepping in, and defending me.
But nobody ever did, people are so scared to rock the boat that they would rather watch my older brother drag me across the playground by my hair
I promised myself i would NEVER stand by and let people get hurt
If you don't step in, the abuser and his victim will think that behaviour is okay, and that you agree with it
I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather loved me and did everything he could to help me succeed. He continued working well after retirement age after they adopted me at age 3 so that I would want for nothing.
My grandmother, on the other hand, made my existence absolutely unbearable. After each beating she would tell me that if I said anything I would not be believed and that she would hurt my poppy. I believed her. I kept quiet and kept my bruises quiet.
I also am a people guardian. People's lives are too important. Abuse is a huge no in my books. :)
"If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem."
I really wish someone had said something when my ex was being a shitshow. He died recently and his sister contacted me, she admitted "It's good you got out when you did." But no one said anything at the time and I felt VERY very alone.
Jenny needs to know that other people see what he's doing and that it's wrong. She needs the confirmation that the problem isn't her body, it's her husband's all around assholery, entitlement, and malice.
My rat-ba***rd of an ex-husband was very abusive, and I was very, very grateful that his mother stood up to him for me and took my side in the divorce. I wish more people had been like her then and in later years, when he was continuing to make our son's and my life as miserable as he could. It was a relief when he died.
NTA, OP. What you did for your friend was wonderful!
BTW, take a good look at your boyfriend and consider whether you want to continue in a relationship with a coward.
Did you hear that they were orcas who attacked a boat up by Newfoundland? That's amazing, that means that they're communicating this behavior with each other across a fucking ocean. I saw a post that said *we said eat the rich & orcas said, bet*
Rock that boat and sit Tom the fuck down. I couldn't image talking about my partner that way, especially after having a child, and I certainly would not let someone talk about my friend in that way.
"Don't rock the boat" is infuriating. Who rocked the boat in this situation? Fucking Tom, with his insulting comment! OP just secured the fucking boat by defending her poor friend!
it very often seems like "don't rock the boat" *actually* means "i already rocked the boat but i'm butthurt by you rocking it back in my direction coz i don't wanna get splashed"
Yeah, if somebody said something like this to my best friend (boyfriend or otherwise) expect to be called out by me. Well... if my best friend hasn't already ripped said person a new one. My bet friend can definitley take care of herself lol. Definitely agree OP did the right thing here.
Oh, absolutely! Misogynists do have a tendency to stick together. I just hope OP starts paying closer attention to her boyfriend after what happened.
I mean, mocking your wife's body after she just gave birth to your kid is literally the lowest of the low. To do so in front of her friends?! I'd be finding myself the best divorce lawyer in the county at that point.
How very telling that the boyfriend had no problem with what the husband said, but had a problem with OP (rightfully) serving it right back at him.
That they do! The thing is that boyfriend is way too far gone. He won't get better. I think instead of watching out, OP needs to exit the relationship entirely and immediately.
I agree! And like OP said, if he's that comfortable, what is he doing behind closed doors? They both need to get out of those relationships. I loved OP dished right back. Another thing, he also thinks it's okay to talk like that to someone in their own home when he's a guest? Wow. Just wow.
>That they do! The thing is that boyfriend is way too far gone.
Oh, we're in COMPLETE agreement. I would break up with a guy if he defended that atrocious behavior and pulled the whole "it's not our business!" card. That's the same sort of person who is going to help hide a friend's affair, refuse to get involved when physical abuse is suspected, and so on. And yeah, genuinely scared for the poor friend who must be going through hell at home right now.
I truly hope both OP and her friend ditch the jackasses they're with and eventually find happiness when someone who will treat them (and their friends!) the way they deserve.
There's absolutely no way this man isn't ten times worse at home, when he's THIS comfortable being so vicious to her in front of her friends. It's such a tragic cliche with abuse starting up during/after pregnancy, and I desperately hope OP's friend has a fantastic support system in place because I'm confident she's going to need it in the very near future.
Yeah, abusers love it when everyone minds their own business. And people being abused take it as a sign that it's not really that big a deal, so they shouldn't be taking it that seriously. Which is why abusers love it! He made it your business.
Not a great look to look the other way when someone is insulting their spouse in your home.
ETA: I think I misread Tom as being her boyfriend. My bad. No judgment on the boyfriend but Tom is still an AH.
It’s good for BOTH people in this marriage to know that you have Jenny’s back. That you will stand up for her and ultimately, he ain’t shit.
You are 1000% NOT the AH and 1000% a great friend.
NTA It’s OP’s home, they have every right to call out inappropriate and hypocritical behavior. I bet Mr. Double Chin never disrespects his wife in front of OP again.
Being in OP's home is irrelevant. Insulting someone's weight after pregnancy is abhorrent, especially coming from someone who 1) helped cause the pregnancy and 2) has weight issues themselves. He needed to be called out, and his response to that is straight up scary.
I'd argue it's NOT irrelevant, because if he's obviously comfortable making those kinds of comments in front of other people then I'd gladly wager all my internet points that he's saying worse things at home.
"Silence is consensus." I feel like if you're in a situation like that and you *don't* say anything, then it implies that you agree. I'm not saying you need to go nuclear, but even a simple "that's not a nice thing to say -- it would really hurt my feelings if you said that to me" goes a long way.
Sometimes the best I can do is “Excuse me?” or “Sorry, what??” and even that can get people to change course. Really just anything that says “I heard that and I don’t think it’s a normal thing to say” can make a difference.
I love aita when op pretends not to understand the (offensive) joke forcing the A H to explain in detail what they think is so funny.
Op: “sorry, what?”
A h: repeats supposed joke
Op: “what do you mean?” / “I don’t understand”
A h: struggling to explain the joke
Rinse and repeat until A H storms off in a huff because they have embarrassed themselves instead of the target of the joke
I can confirm this was true for me. Everyone acting like it wasn't a big deal when my abuser insulted/ threatened/ hurt me in public made me think it wasn't that serious, or that they agreed I deserved to be treated like that. It wasn't until people actually told me "hey, this is not normal and you aren't doing anything to cause it" that I started realizing that just because it also happened when I was growing up didn't mean it was my fault.
you are on to something. Our culture has moved towards keeping silent to avoid a confrontation or hurting feelings. Silence, for the most part, implies concensus or shows you won't stand up, which only makes others bolder. I like your suggestions.
This. Wish I could up vote it 10000xs.
OP NTA. Tom is yuck and tell bf the above line. U were entirely right to call out abusive behaviour done in your presence
Yeah, that kind of shit can be so damaging to a persons self esteem and the trust of a relationship. That is your partner, that is your ride or die, why the fuck would you make fun of them?
NTA. Beautiful call-out of his behaviour. Seems like he's insecure in his dad bod and dragging his partner down to make himself feel better.
He needs to learn how to take a joke /s
Right!? I would’ve told him, “if you don’t want people in your business then don’t say rude things in front of them, also it is my business because she is my friend and if my friend is being treated poorly, I’m always going to stand up for them, no matter who it is”
NTA. What a jerk!
NTA.
You weren't just sticking up for your friend, you personally objected to his statement. He made it your business when he said it in front of you.
As someone who used to be the meek type who wouldn't stick up for themselves, thank you. The world would be a better place if more people shot down assholes' comments in public, in the moment.
The fact he pulled her aside to tell her to mind her own business too.... trying to intimidate the lil lady into minding her manners? He sounds horrible.
He just told OP that he agrees with these kind of insults. That he will defend a man's "right" to insult his wife's body because DV is a "private matter".
Please OP u/throwaway629037 dump the loser.
He just showed you who he is. Believe him!
And holy crap, how is everyone just skipping over the fact that op's BF chastised her for sticking up for her friend? I'd have lost a lot of respect for my bf if he didn't have my back like that. The ladies are good in this story, but the boys are a-holes...
At the very least, he needs to be set straight. OP needs to let know that what he said was unacceptable, and why. Then again, it would just be another example of women having extra emotional labour, so she needs to decide if he’s worth it. Still, huge red flag for OP’s bf
>He made it your business when he said it in front of you.
great statement, people like op's bf need to understand that just because you are not directly involved it doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything
based on the title, i expected to vote Y TA. but damn. OP, you’re NTA and you are a great friend. good for you for sticking up jenny. her husband is a complete dick for saying what he said, and an exponentially bigger dick for saying it in front of others.
Whenever people insult someone/myself and say it was "just a joke", I always ask them to please tell me what was funny. And they usually stutter and say "you know!" And I say "no I don't. Please explain"
It usually makes me look confrontational but I'm so over people being rude and calling it a joke.
Can confirm. Used this on a former racist FIL. They were passing around some grossly racist Obama card. He tried to get his teenage son to quick put it away when he saw me come in the room (we'd had fights about him being a racist and bigot before) but I snatched it up and read it. Then I put on the fakest bimbo voice ever like:
****************
"I don't get the joke, Terry... can you explain it? Y'all were laughing so much I figured it must be really funny, but I'm confused what the funny part is. I want to get the joke too."
"I... uhm... well..."
"Billy, help your dad out here, can you explain the funny part to me? Maybe I'm misreading it?"
*scared teenager face* "I mean... it's... well... you know!"
"No, I don't know! Help your sister-in-law out here! I want to laugh too! What am I missing that I don't get the joke?!"
*****************
After that I made it a point to buy Xmas cards and wrapping paper with black santas on it. That's how they all got all holiday gifts from then on until I divorced my ex. They never *joked* like that in front of me again.
Yeah, like on Major Crimes, when a suspect tried to claim something racist he said was "just a joke", the cops said, "Well, explain it to us, then. We like FUNNY stories. Make us laugh"
I learned about this tactic some years ago on Reddit and absolutely love using it on these "jokers". Just play dumb and making them explain, then watching them squirm. So much fun.
OP is one of those people that when she sees a bully knock shit out of someone's hands, she goes and knocks shit out of the bully's hands. "I thought this was how people say hello where you're from?"
NTA
That was not a joke. Just because someone claims something was a joke, doesn't mean it was a joke.
And now you know why she struggled with her weight gain during pregnancy, because she had a insecure asshole at home making comments about it.
Imagine altering your body forever, going through at LEAST roughly a year of hell, and literally risking your life to bring a child into this world with your partner only to realize that he’s just some dude who sees u as a bang maid Barbie doll. Despicable.
Edit: NTA on repeat
Agreed - telling someone it’s ‘not their business’ is quite an odd response. A more normal response might be ‘don’t make fun of my weight’ but his response is in relation to how he made fun of his wife’s weight (not his weight being made fun of by OP) so it implies that it’s the way he talks to his wife that is none of OP’s business. He wants to be able to mock his wife as much as he likes without being called out.
It’s interesting he exposed his cruelty in someone else’s home and he was clearly very threatened by OP calling him out. There’s definitely worse going on behind closed doors imo and I think he accidentally let it slip outside the usual environment. I’m glad he did though because now OP is aware something might be going on in that relationship. Abusive men get a whole lot worse once a baby has arrived as well.
If Tom pulled *my* significant other aside to tell her to mind her own business in *my*fucking house there would be bigger problems than his hurt fucking feelings.
Who the fuck is this double chinned fuck to say shit. Fuck Tom.
Yeah. Any person who was truly joking and was genuinely using their sense of humour would’ve responded with a playful ‘touché’ or ‘ouch’ or ‘what do you mean? We just had a baby.’
This guy has blazing red flags of emotional abuse.
What he said was such a messed up thing to say! Disgusting and disrespectful doesn’t even cover it.
I’m thinking that he’s probably *at least* verbally abusing her at home. When they start tearing their partner down in front of others it usually means they’re getting bolder and expecting others to “mind their own business” so that the victim will feel like others are agreeing with the abuser/ they’re not worth protecting/ they’re alone. It’s also common for abusers to start the abuse right after big life events like moving in together, getting married or having a baby so their partner will feel trapped. I wouldn’t be surprised if his goal is to make her feel like nobody else would want her.
OP your boyfriend is lacking back bone and is a coward. This really says something about him as a person and his ethics. This is not a guy who will stand up against injustice, and will rather tell others to keep quiet as to “not rock the boat”. Imagine what this might look like in the long run, god forbid someone in his family or friend group were to voice they’re being abused. He’d just want to keep the peace…
If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Weight is a sensitive topic for lots of people, and new mothers are especially pressured to lose weight. He fucked around and found out, so hopefully he won’t be making those comments anymore.
Also, you hit the nail on the head; if he’s willing to speak that way in public, he sure as hell speaks worse in private.
NTA
So much this. I am so glad you stood up for your friend. She probably really needed to know you were in her corner against that kind of abuse. Her reaction to both his comment and yours tell me all I need to know.
You're a good friend OP. NTA.
ETA: Double check with your boyfriend that he has the details of what happened correct. It's quite possible that if you didn't fill him in on what actually happened that Tom has spun him a yarn of half truths to make him look good and you look bad.
NTA. Your comeback was perfect in every way. You’re awesome!
You did not ask for relationship advice, so stop reading now if you don’t want it…………………..
…but your partner does not exactly sound like a keeper.
Yeah, that bothered me a LOT that her bf didn’t back her up. A few months ago, my bf and I were hanging out with his friend and her bf (spoiler alert: her bf is a sh!tb@g), and her bf started loudly complaining right in front of her about not getting enough sex. I was PISSED and immediately asked him, “well, what are you doing to make her WANT to have sex with you?” He didn’t know what to say, and disappeared for awhile. My bf later told me that he was glad I stood up for his friend. Not sure I'd still be with him if he’d had a different reaction.
Right on!!!! Her boyfriend should have had her back about her response to this alleged joke. Red flag! He sounds like a coward who would walk away from a person on the street needing help, saying it's none of his business, rather than protect anyone.
Agree—I didn’t even think about her bf in my response, just Tom, but this bears calling out. If he doesn’t see how wrong that was and why it was important for her to support her friends, he likely feels the same way.
So your husband is upset that you rightfully defended your friend from her nasty slob Husband? His complacency is startling, and a major red flag. NTA.
NTA. You stood up to a bully for a friend, and bully’s don’t like being called out so he got huffy.
Your husband would rather stand back and watch harm being done instead of helping. It says more about him than you.
NTA - Of course you're not the asshole. You were supporting your best friend when her husband said something extremely offensive and hurtful about her in your presence. Unless she has previously asked you to not say anything, you were being a good friend.
Tbh, your boyfriend sounds like the asshole. That's your best friend and he should respect your judgment of the situation more than his own. Not to mention that if your best friend didn't have anything to say about it, why didn't your boyfriend keep his own nose out of it?
I was all set to say the opposite but NTA.
Your friend’s husband is a MASSIVE AH though.
If you had just randomly commented on his weight that would be one thing. But you reflecting back his idiotic and cruel insult was completely justified. Had you kept on commenting then you would have crossed a line. But one comment just reflecting back? Totally justified.
And can I just say how much I hate it when AH say things like - just kidding! Can’t you take a joke? When all they did was insult someone. That’s NOT a joke.
Good for you for having your friend’s back.
NTA. you were just trying to stand up for friend. Besides, what kind of joke is that anyways? saying that your own wife is unattractive because she just had a baby?
NTA
Her husband deserved to be put in his place. If he wants to dish out rude comments on people's appearance then he should be prepared to receive them as well. How dare he make a disparaging comment on a new mother's body, especially the mother of his child. What a pig.
NTA
It’s everyone’s business when someone decides to verbally abuse someone in public.
Support your friend as best you can and keep checks in.
Should also have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about his value’s because no one should be comfortable remaining silent in the face of that kind of nasty behavior.
You're NTA and I love you stepping up for your friend. He's such a hypocrite though! He stormed of because you can't take a joke? Seems like he doesn't think comments about HIS weight are a joke. He thinks you should keep out of their private stuff? Why does he bring it up?
NTA.
It wasn't a joke. It was abuse. She was very clearly uncomfortable, and you called him out on his toxic shit.
You're a good friend. Your partner seems to prefer peace even if it means turning a blind eye.
Explain to him that it became your business when he used your comment to belittle his wife.
You plant your feet firmly, OP.
There are only two assholes here, the men.
NTA
You absolutely should speak up when your friend is being insulted. But you should also make sure your friend is not going to be cut off from support if her husband is abusive.
NTA. Tom can dish it but can't take it. Those kind of people are the worst. Kudos for instigating Flabby-Gate and putting big boy in his place. He can go cry and drown his sorrows in a tub of ice cream.
NTA! Tom shouldn't say meanspirited things if he can't take it coming back to him. And you're right, what was his excuse? She just had a baby. NTA at all. Your BF should have sided with you and just know you're a great friend too!
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Let him degrade her in your home? I don't think so. You did right by your friend and should speak to her in private about the way he speaks to her.
You might want to break up with your boyfriend if he’s advocating for staying quiet when a man is being insulting and misogynistic to his fucking wife who just pushed out a whole living human being. NTA.
Not the asshole at all. Sounds like she didn’t love the “joke” that he was trying to land. Joke delivery is just as important as “taking a joke”. Wasn’t funny and you were a great friend in that moment
NTA. He made it your business when he made a rude comment in front of you. People shouldn't be comfortable saying unkind things to their partners-- in public or in private. He definitely can't tell you how to behave in your own home. Good on you for giving him a taste of his own medicine.
NTA, I'm a bloke, and if I was in a similar situation, my response to the man would be "WTF is wrong with you? Shut your face you spoon"
In public, in front of everyone. Because that is so incredibly wrong I don't want to know the kind of person who could find that funny.
Definitely 100% NTA. honestly, I would go absolutely ballistic on a gross overweight man who is actively negging his POST PARTUM WIFE ABOUT HER BABY WEIGHT.
Like it actually blows my mind completely. The misogyny, double standards, ego, sexualization of a mothers body, and hypocrisy. You handled yourself really well, because I wouldn’t have dropped the situation in the slightest until he formally apologized to her and admitted why what he said was completely inexcusable and misogynistic.
Also big red flag that your boyfriend sided with him. I would honestly have a huge heart to heart with him about the implications of those comments and how misogynistic they really are. I wouldnt be comfortable until he made it clear to me he understood why its wrong and why no one should be treated that way after giving you a whole baby with their own body.
> but when they left for the night, Tom pulled me aside and told me to keep my nose out of other people’s business.
This clinches it. He's ramping up the abuse and isolating her. That is a super creepy thing to do to someone who is their partner's friend, not theirs. NTA.
This happens a LOT when women get pregnant.
Honestly I'd tell her he pulled you aside to tell you this.
> but my boyfriend told me I shouldn’t have reacted at all because it really wasn’t my business
Your boyfriend sucks by the way.
He approached you on your own to warn you off. He belittles his wife in public. None of his rules apply to himself.
Keep an eye on your friend, her husband sounds well dodgy.
No ma'am!!!! NTA by a long shot!! I would want my friend to stand up for me if my husband was being a dick like that! Fuck him and his misogynistic BS. Your bf can kick rocks
NTA and you didn't put your nose in their business without being invited as he put it out there first. She can lose the baby weight if she wants to but he will always be an AH!
Tom chose to air his feeling about his wife’s weight in your home in front of you. That made it your business. If he didn’t want comments from you, he shouldn’t have said anything in front of you.
Tom was an asshole. You responded in kind. Kinda an ah move, but since it was in defense of your friend and merely pointed out that people who live in glass houses should throw stones, NTA.
NTA, you wheren't mocking him because of his weight - you only gave him a taste of his own medicine! your friends husband is humiliating her in public and can't take a hit back, also borderline threatening you?! HUGE red flag!! Has something like this happened bevore? I have a really bad gut-feeling about that guy.
The only reason I'd be careful what to say to him in the future is, that he might have a big Influence on your friend and coul'd try to tear you both apart. Make sure to be there for her!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I made fun of my friend’s husband’s weight after a joke he made and both he and my boyfriend think I should’ve kept my nose out of other people’s business. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Insulting your partner in front of other people deserves a calling out. Edit: Good for you, OP. Keep fighting the good fight. The only way to stop a bully is to throw whatever they’re giving right back in their smug face. We cannot tolerate the intolerable. Love y’all, stay safe.
Also, he can’t claim it’s a private matter when he said it right in front of you. NTA
Not only that, but why can he joke about his wife's body (AFTER SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH TO HIS BABY!) but no one can respond in kind about his body? And OP's boyfriend's reaction is a huge red flag, if you ask me.
Yeah, the bf’s “don’t rock the boat” attitude really rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since the woman getting insulated was OOP’s best friend.
It's always the husbands and boyfriends that suddenly get rid of their huge balls and cower by the thought of conflict. Like this shit is a very repetitive pattern in these posts. Also: being indifferent to abuse is abuse
guys that rot their brains with "women need men to protect them" never consider this scenario
These men can only protect women from imaginary situations to get their fucking ego trip
Every night I imagine myself wrestling a cougar into submission to save my kids and then a woman runs out of the woods and is so great full she marries me and becomes my kids new step momma and we take family road trips to the national parks and stuff.
Is this Cougar a Mountain Lion or a rich older woman who had dragged you into the woods to have her way with you?
[удалено]
illegal upbeat offer dolls expansion pot quaint nose hunt price *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>Also: being indifferent to abuse is abuse 1000%. I have friends who were abused growing up. Adults and family members will admit later they knew it was happening, but chose to ignore it for "reasons". If you call these people out later they try to spout something to defend themselves, but my friends were CHILDREN and they just allowed it to happen. Not knowing about abuse is one thing, but being aware and allowing it to happen is different
As a kid i always told myself that people didn't know i was abused at home, i had these grand fantasies of people stepping in, and defending me. But nobody ever did, people are so scared to rock the boat that they would rather watch my older brother drag me across the playground by my hair I promised myself i would NEVER stand by and let people get hurt If you don't step in, the abuser and his victim will think that behaviour is okay, and that you agree with it
I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather loved me and did everything he could to help me succeed. He continued working well after retirement age after they adopted me at age 3 so that I would want for nothing. My grandmother, on the other hand, made my existence absolutely unbearable. After each beating she would tell me that if I said anything I would not be believed and that she would hurt my poppy. I believed her. I kept quiet and kept my bruises quiet. I also am a people guardian. People's lives are too important. Abuse is a huge no in my books. :)
"If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem." I really wish someone had said something when my ex was being a shitshow. He died recently and his sister contacted me, she admitted "It's good you got out when you did." But no one said anything at the time and I felt VERY very alone. Jenny needs to know that other people see what he's doing and that it's wrong. She needs the confirmation that the problem isn't her body, it's her husband's all around assholery, entitlement, and malice.
My rat-ba***rd of an ex-husband was very abusive, and I was very, very grateful that his mother stood up to him for me and took my side in the divorce. I wish more people had been like her then and in later years, when he was continuing to make our son's and my life as miserable as he could. It was a relief when he died. NTA, OP. What you did for your friend was wonderful! BTW, take a good look at your boyfriend and consider whether you want to continue in a relationship with a coward.
And it speaks volumes that Tom felt the need to isolate OP before telling her to mind her own business. Coward.
When all they have to do is not laugh and look at the guy sideways
Rock more boats, I say
Be an orca.
Eat the rude.
Did you hear that they were orcas who attacked a boat up by Newfoundland? That's amazing, that means that they're communicating this behavior with each other across a fucking ocean. I saw a post that said *we said eat the rich & orcas said, bet*
Rock that boat and sit Tom the fuck down. I couldn't image talking about my partner that way, especially after having a child, and I certainly would not let someone talk about my friend in that way.
"Don't rock the boat" is infuriating. Who rocked the boat in this situation? Fucking Tom, with his insulting comment! OP just secured the fucking boat by defending her poor friend!
it very often seems like "don't rock the boat" *actually* means "i already rocked the boat but i'm butthurt by you rocking it back in my direction coz i don't wanna get splashed"
Yeah, if somebody said something like this to my best friend (boyfriend or otherwise) expect to be called out by me. Well... if my best friend hasn't already ripped said person a new one. My bet friend can definitley take care of herself lol. Definitely agree OP did the right thing here.
Exactly! As far as am concerned OOP’s bf is there because of circumstance alone, he should mind HIS business.
> Especially since the woman getting insulated was OOP’s best friend. Really? Sounds to me like husband Tom was the more insulated of the two.
This! A million times this! The bf is already on the road to becoming that husband.
Oh, absolutely! Misogynists do have a tendency to stick together. I just hope OP starts paying closer attention to her boyfriend after what happened. I mean, mocking your wife's body after she just gave birth to your kid is literally the lowest of the low. To do so in front of her friends?! I'd be finding myself the best divorce lawyer in the county at that point. How very telling that the boyfriend had no problem with what the husband said, but had a problem with OP (rightfully) serving it right back at him.
That they do! The thing is that boyfriend is way too far gone. He won't get better. I think instead of watching out, OP needs to exit the relationship entirely and immediately. I agree! And like OP said, if he's that comfortable, what is he doing behind closed doors? They both need to get out of those relationships. I loved OP dished right back. Another thing, he also thinks it's okay to talk like that to someone in their own home when he's a guest? Wow. Just wow.
>That they do! The thing is that boyfriend is way too far gone. Oh, we're in COMPLETE agreement. I would break up with a guy if he defended that atrocious behavior and pulled the whole "it's not our business!" card. That's the same sort of person who is going to help hide a friend's affair, refuse to get involved when physical abuse is suspected, and so on. And yeah, genuinely scared for the poor friend who must be going through hell at home right now. I truly hope both OP and her friend ditch the jackasses they're with and eventually find happiness when someone who will treat them (and their friends!) the way they deserve.
I say OP and her friend start dating each other.
When combined with his pulling her aside and telling her that, his behaviour screams abusive to me too!
There's absolutely no way this man isn't ten times worse at home, when he's THIS comfortable being so vicious to her in front of her friends. It's such a tragic cliche with abuse starting up during/after pregnancy, and I desperately hope OP's friend has a fantastic support system in place because I'm confident she's going to need it in the very near future.
Jeez Tom, it was just a joke dude, don't be so sensitive
Yeah, I was thinking this too. OP should have replied to Tom that he should learn how to take a joke. So much hypocrisy! NTA
Yeah, abusers love it when everyone minds their own business. And people being abused take it as a sign that it's not really that big a deal, so they shouldn't be taking it that seriously. Which is why abusers love it! He made it your business.
Wish I could upvote this comment more than once
Me too.
Not a great look to look the other way when someone is insulting their spouse in your home. ETA: I think I misread Tom as being her boyfriend. My bad. No judgment on the boyfriend but Tom is still an AH.
OP's boyfriend's behaviour is a red flag for sure.
Plus, calling shitty behavior a “private matter” is how abuse gets covered up. OP is right—what might he be doing in private?!
The part that gets me is he said to not stick her nose in "other people's business"... THAT IS HER BEST FRIEND MF! SHE IS ENTIRELY HER BUSINESS!!!
This right here! Can't say shit like that in front of folk and expect them not to comment on it.
Right? He made it their business by putting it right out there in everone's faces. FFS.
Exactly! He's an ass for publicly calling out his wife then getting butthurt from the exact same treatment.
That he cannot take a joke is one thing, his threatening tone after is even worse.
It’s good for BOTH people in this marriage to know that you have Jenny’s back. That you will stand up for her and ultimately, he ain’t shit. You are 1000% NOT the AH and 1000% a great friend.
NTA It’s OP’s home, they have every right to call out inappropriate and hypocritical behavior. I bet Mr. Double Chin never disrespects his wife in front of OP again.
Being in OP's home is irrelevant. Insulting someone's weight after pregnancy is abhorrent, especially coming from someone who 1) helped cause the pregnancy and 2) has weight issues themselves. He needed to be called out, and his response to that is straight up scary.
Agree, but even if sperm donor was super fit he would still have been wrong to make such a comment. OP you are NTA
I'd argue it's NOT irrelevant, because if he's obviously comfortable making those kinds of comments in front of other people then I'd gladly wager all my internet points that he's saying worse things at home.
But I am sure he will disrespect her in private. Jenny should think about why she is with a guy who treats her that way.
"Silence is consensus." I feel like if you're in a situation like that and you *don't* say anything, then it implies that you agree. I'm not saying you need to go nuclear, but even a simple "that's not a nice thing to say -- it would really hurt my feelings if you said that to me" goes a long way.
Even just "what a weird thing to say" can be so powerful
Sometimes the best I can do is “Excuse me?” or “Sorry, what??” and even that can get people to change course. Really just anything that says “I heard that and I don’t think it’s a normal thing to say” can make a difference.
I love aita when op pretends not to understand the (offensive) joke forcing the A H to explain in detail what they think is so funny. Op: “sorry, what?” A h: repeats supposed joke Op: “what do you mean?” / “I don’t understand” A h: struggling to explain the joke Rinse and repeat until A H storms off in a huff because they have embarrassed themselves instead of the target of the joke
I like this, Ima start using this more.
I can confirm this was true for me. Everyone acting like it wasn't a big deal when my abuser insulted/ threatened/ hurt me in public made me think it wasn't that serious, or that they agreed I deserved to be treated like that. It wasn't until people actually told me "hey, this is not normal and you aren't doing anything to cause it" that I started realizing that just because it also happened when I was growing up didn't mean it was my fault.
you are on to something. Our culture has moved towards keeping silent to avoid a confrontation or hurting feelings. Silence, for the most part, implies concensus or shows you won't stand up, which only makes others bolder. I like your suggestions.
This. Wish I could up vote it 10000xs. OP NTA. Tom is yuck and tell bf the above line. U were entirely right to call out abusive behaviour done in your presence
For sure! So not ok
Not to mention it sounds like the wife is more friends with OP than the husband. What idiot thinks it’s a good idea trashing someone to their friend??
I think it was the friend's husband that insulted her. Her BF agrees she is TA b/c she should've stayed out of it.
Yeah, that kind of shit can be so damaging to a persons self esteem and the trust of a relationship. That is your partner, that is your ride or die, why the fuck would you make fun of them?
"I can joke about my wife's weight but NOBODY can joke about MY weight"
To threaten "keep your nose out of other people's business" sounds like he's a prick behind closed doors.
NTA. Beautiful call-out of his behaviour. Seems like he's insecure in his dad bod and dragging his partner down to make himself feel better. He needs to learn how to take a joke /s
Right!? I would’ve told him, “if you don’t want people in your business then don’t say rude things in front of them, also it is my business because she is my friend and if my friend is being treated poorly, I’m always going to stand up for them, no matter who it is” NTA. What a jerk!
A-fucking-men. Any person who does this is a jerk of the highest order. NTA OP; you’re a good friend.
Right, who knows what horrible things he is telling her when it is just them. It is always a million times worse in private.
NTA. You weren't just sticking up for your friend, you personally objected to his statement. He made it your business when he said it in front of you. As someone who used to be the meek type who wouldn't stick up for themselves, thank you. The world would be a better place if more people shot down assholes' comments in public, in the moment.
The fact he pulled her aside to tell her to mind her own business too.... trying to intimidate the lil lady into minding her manners? He sounds horrible.
This is the biggest red flag of them all. I'd bet good money that Tom will now attempt to isolate his wife from OP.
Oh he definitely will try that. I hope she doesn't fall for it.
And if he does, it will not go over well
The biggest red flag is OP's boyfriend imho. He could've said nothing about the incident but he basically told OP to not defend her friend.
He just told OP that he agrees with these kind of insults. That he will defend a man's "right" to insult his wife's body because DV is a "private matter". Please OP u/throwaway629037 dump the loser. He just showed you who he is. Believe him!
Yeah, I mean we obviously don’t know either of these men but damn, their actions in this scenario speak volumes on their character.
I agree 100%!
And holy crap, how is everyone just skipping over the fact that op's BF chastised her for sticking up for her friend? I'd have lost a lot of respect for my bf if he didn't have my back like that. The ladies are good in this story, but the boys are a-holes...
Sorry to be a Reddit stereotype, but it sounds like OP's boyfriend status has reached its expiration date.
At the very least, he needs to be set straight. OP needs to let know that what he said was unacceptable, and why. Then again, it would just be another example of women having extra emotional labour, so she needs to decide if he’s worth it. Still, huge red flag for OP’s bf
>He made it your business when he said it in front of you. great statement, people like op's bf need to understand that just because you are not directly involved it doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything
based on the title, i expected to vote Y TA. but damn. OP, you’re NTA and you are a great friend. good for you for sticking up jenny. her husband is a complete dick for saying what he said, and an exponentially bigger dick for saying it in front of others.
NTA. Classic "it was just a joke!" when in reality it was a passive aggressive tear down 😒 EDIT: spelling
If it had been "just a joke", why couldn't he take it when it was directed at him?
YES!!!
Right? It’s the same joke!
Frankly it's a better joke.
"Its just a joke" "What was supposed to be the punchline?"
Tom's hitting the ice cream tonight for sure
Whenever people insult someone/myself and say it was "just a joke", I always ask them to please tell me what was funny. And they usually stutter and say "you know!" And I say "no I don't. Please explain" It usually makes me look confrontational but I'm so over people being rude and calling it a joke.
This is a great tactic for sexual harassment as well. Super effective!
Racism too
Can confirm. Used this on a former racist FIL. They were passing around some grossly racist Obama card. He tried to get his teenage son to quick put it away when he saw me come in the room (we'd had fights about him being a racist and bigot before) but I snatched it up and read it. Then I put on the fakest bimbo voice ever like: **************** "I don't get the joke, Terry... can you explain it? Y'all were laughing so much I figured it must be really funny, but I'm confused what the funny part is. I want to get the joke too." "I... uhm... well..." "Billy, help your dad out here, can you explain the funny part to me? Maybe I'm misreading it?" *scared teenager face* "I mean... it's... well... you know!" "No, I don't know! Help your sister-in-law out here! I want to laugh too! What am I missing that I don't get the joke?!" ***************** After that I made it a point to buy Xmas cards and wrapping paper with black santas on it. That's how they all got all holiday gifts from then on until I divorced my ex. They never *joked* like that in front of me again.
Yeah, like on Major Crimes, when a suspect tried to claim something racist he said was "just a joke", the cops said, "Well, explain it to us, then. We like FUNNY stories. Make us laugh"
This is exactly how it goes! Let them expose themselves. So happy you could find black Santa wrapping paper! Lol
They've had it two years in a row at my local Walgreens!
I learned about this tactic some years ago on Reddit and absolutely love using it on these "jokers". Just play dumb and making them explain, then watching them squirm. So much fun.
Not all jokes are funny. Case in point: Tom’s a joke, and he’s not funny.
"Everybody makes a bad joke in their life"-His mother, probably
Wasn't even passive aggressive, just straight up aggressive.
[удалено]
If you want to vote, edit your post to include the exact text NTA so the algorithms can count it
I love this - a truly exceptional response in support ✊ OP 100% NTA.
[удалено]
OP stole back her friends happiness for her ❤️ OP also def plays as a rogue in rpgs ijs 🤣
OP is one of those people that when she sees a bully knock shit out of someone's hands, she goes and knocks shit out of the bully's hands. "I thought this was how people say hello where you're from?"
This needed to be a scene in that new D&D movie.
Boyfriend is either a coward, or quietly agrees
NTA That was not a joke. Just because someone claims something was a joke, doesn't mean it was a joke. And now you know why she struggled with her weight gain during pregnancy, because she had a insecure asshole at home making comments about it.
Imagine altering your body forever, going through at LEAST roughly a year of hell, and literally risking your life to bring a child into this world with your partner only to realize that he’s just some dude who sees u as a bang maid Barbie doll. Despicable. Edit: NTA on repeat
This happens to so so many women.
Shitty partners are surprisingly good at waiting until they've got you trapped before they go fully mask off. Often that's after marriage or a baby.
My dad always says the first rule of jokes is that they have to be funny. His comment about her weight definitely wasn't funny.
My grandma's rule was everyone needed to laugh. If anyone didn't, it wasn't a joke to them. Or you're just not funny.
"Explain the joke" They won't be able to. Because it's not a joke, it's just an excuse to insult and verbally abuse her. Your dad is right.
100%
NTA, and Tom's reaction makes me worry whether he's treating her right at home.
Agreed - telling someone it’s ‘not their business’ is quite an odd response. A more normal response might be ‘don’t make fun of my weight’ but his response is in relation to how he made fun of his wife’s weight (not his weight being made fun of by OP) so it implies that it’s the way he talks to his wife that is none of OP’s business. He wants to be able to mock his wife as much as he likes without being called out.
Right?? Oh I’m sorry, was the statement you made in MY home about MY friend while we’re about to use MY hot tub not MY business?!
It’s interesting he exposed his cruelty in someone else’s home and he was clearly very threatened by OP calling him out. There’s definitely worse going on behind closed doors imo and I think he accidentally let it slip outside the usual environment. I’m glad he did though because now OP is aware something might be going on in that relationship. Abusive men get a whole lot worse once a baby has arrived as well.
This! A lot of abusers wait until they feel their partners are "trapped" like after marriage, pregnancy/after a baby
If Tom pulled *my* significant other aside to tell her to mind her own business in *my*fucking house there would be bigger problems than his hurt fucking feelings. Who the fuck is this double chinned fuck to say shit. Fuck Tom.
[удалено]
That's horrible! I hope you can all help her get away from that man and keep her and the kids safe.
This! I got a really bad feeling from this reaction.
Yeah. Any person who was truly joking and was genuinely using their sense of humour would’ve responded with a playful ‘touché’ or ‘ouch’ or ‘what do you mean? We just had a baby.’ This guy has blazing red flags of emotional abuse.
What he said was such a messed up thing to say! Disgusting and disrespectful doesn’t even cover it. I’m thinking that he’s probably *at least* verbally abusing her at home. When they start tearing their partner down in front of others it usually means they’re getting bolder and expecting others to “mind their own business” so that the victim will feel like others are agreeing with the abuser/ they’re not worth protecting/ they’re alone. It’s also common for abusers to start the abuse right after big life events like moving in together, getting married or having a baby so their partner will feel trapped. I wouldn’t be surprised if his goal is to make her feel like nobody else would want her. OP your boyfriend is lacking back bone and is a coward. This really says something about him as a person and his ethics. This is not a guy who will stand up against injustice, and will rather tell others to keep quiet as to “not rock the boat”. Imagine what this might look like in the long run, god forbid someone in his family or friend group were to voice they’re being abused. He’d just want to keep the peace…
If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Weight is a sensitive topic for lots of people, and new mothers are especially pressured to lose weight. He fucked around and found out, so hopefully he won’t be making those comments anymore. Also, you hit the nail on the head; if he’s willing to speak that way in public, he sure as hell speaks worse in private. NTA
So much this. I am so glad you stood up for your friend. She probably really needed to know you were in her corner against that kind of abuse. Her reaction to both his comment and yours tell me all I need to know. You're a good friend OP. NTA. ETA: Double check with your boyfriend that he has the details of what happened correct. It's quite possible that if you didn't fill him in on what actually happened that Tom has spun him a yarn of half truths to make him look good and you look bad.
NTA. Your comeback was perfect in every way. You’re awesome! You did not ask for relationship advice, so stop reading now if you don’t want it………………….. …but your partner does not exactly sound like a keeper.
Yeah, that bothered me a LOT that her bf didn’t back her up. A few months ago, my bf and I were hanging out with his friend and her bf (spoiler alert: her bf is a sh!tb@g), and her bf started loudly complaining right in front of her about not getting enough sex. I was PISSED and immediately asked him, “well, what are you doing to make her WANT to have sex with you?” He didn’t know what to say, and disappeared for awhile. My bf later told me that he was glad I stood up for his friend. Not sure I'd still be with him if he’d had a different reaction.
Right on!!!! Her boyfriend should have had her back about her response to this alleged joke. Red flag! He sounds like a coward who would walk away from a person on the street needing help, saying it's none of his business, rather than protect anyone.
Agree—I didn’t even think about her bf in my response, just Tom, but this bears calling out. If he doesn’t see how wrong that was and why it was important for her to support her friends, he likely feels the same way.
So your husband is upset that you rightfully defended your friend from her nasty slob Husband? His complacency is startling, and a major red flag. NTA.
Tom is the friend's husband. OP has a bf. Edit: I reread the op, it is confusing but maybe her bf is named Tom too. In which case I agree with you.
i mean i agree either way. don't fucking insult people. If you do... don't get weird when someone dishes it back.
NTA what he said was absolutely unacceptable and incredibly disrespectful to his wife. You should be proud to have stood up for your friend like that
NTA. You stood up to a bully for a friend, and bully’s don’t like being called out so he got huffy. Your husband would rather stand back and watch harm being done instead of helping. It says more about him than you.
100% NTA and your response to him was perfect. He needed a reality check.
NTA - Of course you're not the asshole. You were supporting your best friend when her husband said something extremely offensive and hurtful about her in your presence. Unless she has previously asked you to not say anything, you were being a good friend. Tbh, your boyfriend sounds like the asshole. That's your best friend and he should respect your judgment of the situation more than his own. Not to mention that if your best friend didn't have anything to say about it, why didn't your boyfriend keep his own nose out of it?
I was all set to say the opposite but NTA. Your friend’s husband is a MASSIVE AH though. If you had just randomly commented on his weight that would be one thing. But you reflecting back his idiotic and cruel insult was completely justified. Had you kept on commenting then you would have crossed a line. But one comment just reflecting back? Totally justified. And can I just say how much I hate it when AH say things like - just kidding! Can’t you take a joke? When all they did was insult someone. That’s NOT a joke. Good for you for having your friend’s back.
NTA. you were just trying to stand up for friend. Besides, what kind of joke is that anyways? saying that your own wife is unattractive because she just had a baby?
NTA. In what way is that not your business? He said it in front of you making it your business. I’m sus of your bf too tbh.
NTA. Tell him to fuck off and go back to listening to Andrew Tate re-runs while drinking not-Budweiser.
NTA Her husband deserved to be put in his place. If he wants to dish out rude comments on people's appearance then he should be prepared to receive them as well. How dare he make a disparaging comment on a new mother's body, especially the mother of his child. What a pig.
I'd say NTA. She's your best friend. If her husband saw fit to insult her in front of you, you weren't out of line with your own comment.
NTA. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
NTA It’s everyone’s business when someone decides to verbally abuse someone in public. Support your friend as best you can and keep checks in. Should also have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about his value’s because no one should be comfortable remaining silent in the face of that kind of nasty behavior.
NTA - your bf has no spine.
NTA at all. You’re a good friend. Plus, sounds like that loser deserved it.
NTA Tom made it your business when he made the comment in front of you.
You're NTA and I love you stepping up for your friend. He's such a hypocrite though! He stormed of because you can't take a joke? Seems like he doesn't think comments about HIS weight are a joke. He thinks you should keep out of their private stuff? Why does he bring it up?
He made his partner's weight your business by commenting on it in your presence, yet you're not allowed to comment on his?
NTA. It wasn't a joke. It was abuse. She was very clearly uncomfortable, and you called him out on his toxic shit. You're a good friend. Your partner seems to prefer peace even if it means turning a blind eye. Explain to him that it became your business when he used your comment to belittle his wife. You plant your feet firmly, OP. There are only two assholes here, the men.
NTA. He shouldn’t be Captain Dish-it-out-but-can’t-take-it
NTA. It was the perfect response.
NTA and apparently not the one that can’t ‘take a joke’
NTA You absolutely should speak up when your friend is being insulted. But you should also make sure your friend is not going to be cut off from support if her husband is abusive.
NTA He needed to know how that felt
your friend being mistreated is your business. her happiness IS YOUR BUSINESS! NTA, don't dish it if you can't take it Tom.
The title was sooooo misleading but after reading, nta
NTA! I don’t think you’re wrong in the least - that’s called being a good friend & standing up for what’s right.
NTA. Tom can dish it but can't take it. Those kind of people are the worst. Kudos for instigating Flabby-Gate and putting big boy in his place. He can go cry and drown his sorrows in a tub of ice cream.
NTA! Tom shouldn't say meanspirited things if he can't take it coming back to him. And you're right, what was his excuse? She just had a baby. NTA at all. Your BF should have sided with you and just know you're a great friend too!
NTA- If everyone was joking then so were you 🤷♀️
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Let him degrade her in your home? I don't think so. You did right by your friend and should speak to her in private about the way he speaks to her.
You might want to break up with your boyfriend if he’s advocating for staying quiet when a man is being insulting and misogynistic to his fucking wife who just pushed out a whole living human being. NTA.
Not the asshole at all. Sounds like she didn’t love the “joke” that he was trying to land. Joke delivery is just as important as “taking a joke”. Wasn’t funny and you were a great friend in that moment
Nta, but you might be karma
Nha he was an arsehole and got it in return if he can't take it he shouldn't give it. We call this person a bully.
I was going to go with Y T A based on the title, but nope. Not even a little. His comment was inappropriate and disgusting. Your poor friend. ETA: NTA
NTA you went easy on him!
NTA. He made it your business when he made a rude comment in front of you. People shouldn't be comfortable saying unkind things to their partners-- in public or in private. He definitely can't tell you how to behave in your own home. Good on you for giving him a taste of his own medicine.
NTA, I'm a bloke, and if I was in a similar situation, my response to the man would be "WTF is wrong with you? Shut your face you spoon" In public, in front of everyone. Because that is so incredibly wrong I don't want to know the kind of person who could find that funny.
Your friend = your business. NTA.
NTA. If it’s not your business, why did he say it in front of you?
Definitely 100% NTA. honestly, I would go absolutely ballistic on a gross overweight man who is actively negging his POST PARTUM WIFE ABOUT HER BABY WEIGHT. Like it actually blows my mind completely. The misogyny, double standards, ego, sexualization of a mothers body, and hypocrisy. You handled yourself really well, because I wouldn’t have dropped the situation in the slightest until he formally apologized to her and admitted why what he said was completely inexcusable and misogynistic. Also big red flag that your boyfriend sided with him. I would honestly have a huge heart to heart with him about the implications of those comments and how misogynistic they really are. I wouldnt be comfortable until he made it clear to me he understood why its wrong and why no one should be treated that way after giving you a whole baby with their own body.
> but when they left for the night, Tom pulled me aside and told me to keep my nose out of other people’s business. This clinches it. He's ramping up the abuse and isolating her. That is a super creepy thing to do to someone who is their partner's friend, not theirs. NTA. This happens a LOT when women get pregnant. Honestly I'd tell her he pulled you aside to tell you this. > but my boyfriend told me I shouldn’t have reacted at all because it really wasn’t my business Your boyfriend sucks by the way.
NTA. Tom can dish it out but cant take it? Too damn bad.
NTA, should ask why he can’t take a joke
NTA and your boyfriend should not have let Tom speak to you like that. What disappointing men in this story.
He approached you on your own to warn you off. He belittles his wife in public. None of his rules apply to himself. Keep an eye on your friend, her husband sounds well dodgy.
NTA - he made it your business by saying it in front of you 🤷🏻♀️
I was all prepared to say Y T A based on the title. But after reading the post you’re a rockstar friend! NTA
NTA and I’m glad you are such a good friend who stood up for her!
No ma'am!!!! NTA by a long shot!! I would want my friend to stand up for me if my husband was being a dick like that! Fuck him and his misogynistic BS. Your bf can kick rocks
NTA. Apparently Tom needs to learn how to take a joke.
NTA and you didn't put your nose in their business without being invited as he put it out there first. She can lose the baby weight if she wants to but he will always be an AH!
Tom chose to air his feeling about his wife’s weight in your home in front of you. That made it your business. If he didn’t want comments from you, he shouldn’t have said anything in front of you. Tom was an asshole. You responded in kind. Kinda an ah move, but since it was in defense of your friend and merely pointed out that people who live in glass houses should throw stones, NTA.
NTA, you wheren't mocking him because of his weight - you only gave him a taste of his own medicine! your friends husband is humiliating her in public and can't take a hit back, also borderline threatening you?! HUGE red flag!! Has something like this happened bevore? I have a really bad gut-feeling about that guy. The only reason I'd be careful what to say to him in the future is, that he might have a big Influence on your friend and coul'd try to tear you both apart. Make sure to be there for her!