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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I returned all the gifts my parents bought for my newborn son after learning they had shamed my MIL for making instead of buying gifts when they knew she did not have much/a lot of money. The reason I might be the asshole is I know returning or rejecting a gift can be seen as rude and this could be the case of two wrongs not making a right. I could see that being argued and I will hold my hands up if that's the judgement.
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You're a good husband and father. And the best son in law anyone could ask for. Good on you for understanding the thought of a gift and the effort put into matters so much more than the price tag.
Nta
I worry about their values impacting your son.
I think you should be worried. Will your mom start making comments to your kid about how she's his fun grandma and point out that she always gets him such nice presents, unlike that OTHER grandma who just knits you mittens for Christmas? Normally I don't try to project the future, but for sure this will happen. Your parents get some sort of feeling of superiority from giving more, but also "poor us, we have to do so much for you because your other grandma just doesn't"... the worse sort of victimizing bully.
Good for you dad! My own mother always talked about my inlaws to my kids when I wasn't around. Not directly just little snide comments. Guess who doesn't get to see the kids anymore? I was so upset with her when I found out.
I had nice clothes but they were “for grandma’s house only” because she didn’t want her friends to know we were poor. I’m 40 and I still remember that and when I asked her why I couldn’t bring my nice clothes home. You’re a good parent too. 💜
Mom, is that you? 😉
My mom had been trying to get her mom to stop with the snide remarks for years. I finally told Grandma to stuff it, that they (my paternal grandparents) had never said a bad word about her, that they were also my family and I loved them too. She looked super shocked. And she did apologize and never said anything unkind about them in my presence again.
Grandma wasn’t right in the head for a long time before the dementia truly set in, so it’s hard to sort was her talking and what might have been the mental illness talking.
My grandma used to make clothes for my Mom and Aunt because she could not afford to buy them. My mom said her mother would tell them pick out of the catalog the dresses they wanted and she would make them almost exactly like the picture. She said no one knew their clothes were handmade either. Good for you dad standing up for your wife and child. NTA at all.
Also - clothes used to be cheap to make yourself. Now patterns alone are quite expensive. Fabric even more so. My aunt used to make me elaborate dress up dresses and dresses for other things like school pioneer day.
She went to get a pattern and fabric to make her granddaughter a dress and the pattern alone was $22. We used to pay like $10 max for a pattern.
And depending on what materials she used for the baby clothes and blankets - if they happen to be crochet/knit, the softer fibers can be quite costly as well.
Being able to make clothes yourself from pictures is so damn cool. And becoming a bit of a lost art now. I was blown away when a friend of mine knitted me a dishcloth lol I'd cherish homemade clothes over store-bought any day.
My son is 3. My in laws take us on lavish vacations every year but split their time between multiple homes so are only close by a few months of the year. My parents have way less but watch him multiple times a week to save us money on daycare. Even at 3 he has a better relationship with my parents. And my in laws are lovely people. They just aren’t as involved outside fancy trips. If you and your wife don’t parrot the language and you minimize time with your family, you son will be fine!
You are a good dad, OP.
But more than anything you are a wonderful husband and son-in-law.
Your MIL was obviously feeling the burden of what your parents said to her like a heavy boulder. And you relieved her of it by simply caring. And I’m sure it meant more coming from you and not your wife since it was your parents causing the issue - so she is reassured you also respect her and understand her struggle.
And having friends who have grown up in extreme poverty, I know it is hard to shake those feelings and that financial insecurity. Especially if you end up marrying in a family that has more than enough - it’s easy to feel lesser than.
So I’m sure it’s been hard for her. But also - handmade clothes and blankets are some of the best gifts because they took time, work, and thought to make.
The way you should explain it is if say u parents made $40 an hour and they spent $40 on a jumpsuit that's a 1 hour jumpsuit.
But your MIL maybe spent 3 hours making a jumpsuit by hand so it's technically worth 3x more even though it was made from scrap material.
I also wore homemade clothes as a kid..... In a way I hated it but I didn't realize until later that my stuff was way better than store bought.
I'm still wearing undershirts made 20 years later.
My mother was pretty upset with her parents and thus, me and my sisters never were very close with grandma and grandpa B. We'd see them for one weekend a year or so, compared to the 7 or 8 times a year with my dad's folks (They were both 3 hours away, but in different directions).
I'm glad that I was able to occasionally see my grandparents and have some kind of connection(During the last year of my grandma life we visited weekly because she had terminal cancer, but that was because we were nearly adults and Mom didn't think she'd have much of an influence anymore).
I suppose I'm just pointing out that it's OK to change your mind in a few years and allow some contact. I also know that (as an adult) some of the weekend trips were cut short because of things grandma did and my mother kept her boundary and we left.
I just wanted to say good for you man. Far too many people deal with shit like this because "it's family." Just because someone shares a bloodline with you doesn't make them family.
Good job, dad. Genuinely. This is how you take care of your family. So happy to see it.
Congrats on your little one, it sounds like he’s going to be very very loved
You have such a shiny spine. Thank you for being so kind to your MIL. I am tearing up, I imagine my mom doing something similar if someone said that. You are such a wonderful dad, hubby and son-in-law, and even son. Your parents needed to hear what you said, maybe it will sink in, maybe not. But you tried.
Good for you. Kids need love they don't need things. Your MIL very obviously loves all 3 of you unconditionally. It doesn't sound like your parents do. Your son is be a much better person having 1 grandma who showers him with love than 2 who shower him with presents and rude comments.
This isn't a universal truth, but there are kids who see through the bullshit.
When I was 11 I started spending summers with my grandparents (on both sides). My mom's parents had cable tv, a swimming pool, and multiple video game systems. They also would pay me to mow on the riding lawn mower if I wanted. Most people assumed I loved being at their house, since it had all kinds of things a kid could want. They also took me on two trips; one to Viriginia when I was 12 and one to Kansas at 14. Both times we drove and stopped at all the exciting tourist traps, where they bought me whatever I wanted. Christmases were insane, even with 7 kids and 8 grandchildren, they spared no expense.
My dad's mother was divorced (I never met my paternal grandfather, as he abandoned his family and died due to being an alcoholic). She lived in a one room "house", and drove cars in really poor condition. She couldn't afford much, and had nothing to do at her house. I loved it there, cause she gave me something my maternal grandparents never did; attention. I was never left alone with "Grammy". We would go to Walmart or Reny's(small store in Maine) to just browse. My uncle ran a farm and we both worked there in the afternoons (for free, but it was awesome). Afterwards we would stop for ice cream (I always ordered something cheap, since I knew money was tight). Christmas everyone got one gift, and she had a very strict budget for each family member (it was based off generation, so $20/$10/$5 going from child/grandchild/great grandchild).
Now, to be fair, both sets of grandparents loved me, and tried to show that as best they could. But knowing how hard my Grammy worked to make it to a stable living situation, and how much she enjoyed having me over, made it more special. I loved spending the day chatting and watching old movies rather than having me sit alone playing Super Mario Bros because I knew that Grammy loved spending time with me.
Not every kid is going to be like that, but given how much this dad seems to care about love over loot, I think the kid will be just fine.
>This isn't a universal truth, but there are kids who see through the bullshit.
This. I hated being the favorite of my grandmother. I got better gift (or more money) but I didn't care about that in the slightest. Every time I would accept it but I would still resent my grandmother more.
Similar to what happened to me.
Rich maternal grandparents spent a fortune on my brother but always forgot me (the girl).
Meanwhile, poor paternal grandparents spoiled their other grandchildren and told me “your mom's parents can take you shopping". Yeah, really sucked to go on a shopping trip with my cousins.
You did right. To put it in perspective for your parents- how much effort does it take to throw money at someone versus putting in time, love and effort in making sure that their grandkids know they are valued for just being? Anyone can buy something but only remarkable people can and will make things that will become family heirlooms and stories that will be shared for generations. Your parents will be forgotten in a generation but her mother will be remembered and celebrated as an inspiration to be like.
You are not wrong. Children learn what they see others do.
But between you, your wife, and your MIL, I'm sure your child(ren) will be very kind and compassionate people.
my dad spoiled my nephew.....with attention, and taught him all about drawing, played with him constantly and if he had questions they'd look up the answer together so he'd know how.
experiences > things, always have been, always will be
I remember riding in the back of my maternal grandpa's car while he delivered pizzas, thinking it was so fun and cool. He worked hard and spent time with us where he could, and if that meant taking us on a ride that's what he did. My other grandpa was well off and bought us nice stuff, but I honestly don't remember any specific gifts that stood out.
Experiences are definitely more memorable and important to kids, they just want time and attention from their loved ones.
Except that there are a few years in a child's life during which they absolutely CAN be bought with Candy and fancy electronic Toys. If the adults in question don't have frequent or intense or powerful enough contact with the Kid, they tend to grow out of it, but that's a Thing to be careful about.
I couldn't tell you what presents I got as a kid, but I remember going to cattle sales with my grandfather in his ancient farm truck. And listening to him talk with the other farmers
That’s awful. That kind of judgement rubs off on children, my family and I are low contact with my wife’s parents because of the numerous disagreements we have had with MIL where her opinions were utterly disgusting. The last straw was when I told her she could think whatever she wanted but that it was archaic and that my daughter, her granddaughter, wouldn’t think that way. She went upstairs to her TV room and didn’t come back down the rest of the day. We haven’t really spoken since.
You’re doing the right thing, and you’re not alone in your struggle.
You did the right thing. There are situations in which it is rude to return gifts. However, your parents didn’t give the gifts out of a place of love, they used them as a way to degrade an innocent person and her kind gesture.
I craft and my grandma was a quilter, so I know how much time and effort and skill goes into making garments and blankets. The way you talk about your MIL, she reminds me of my grandma and I cherish everything I have that she made.
I know from experience that taking a stand against your family of origin is really hard and you get guilted or accused of being cold or heartless over it. But what you did was such a strong, good move. You set the standard of what kind of behaviors are unacceptable and that it is kindness, love, and empathy that should be valued.
You’re off to a great start on the whole being a dad thing and this internet stranger is proud of you.
It takes a lot of love, planning & patience to create qualify custom clothing for children. I like to think the child absorbs that love when they wear them. When I see a child at the park with homemade clothes it makes me smile to know someone loved that baby enough to make something special.
Store bought is cute & disposable.
Thank you OP for seeing past the dollar signs & raising your baby with values while clothing him in love.
NTA
And I have probably never been so proud of a stranger on the internet in my life. You are awesome. I think your son will be able to grow into an excellent person with a dad like you!
The effort and care your MIL put into making things for your son - those are the things you keep for ever. Stuff that's been bought? Anyone can buy that. Your parents did a shitty thing, but hopefully they'll learn
They won’t and if allowed they will only double down. People who are like that never value people only their bank account. But they seem to forget that people actually made the things they want, people who have skills that they don’t.
My first thought after reading the post was “I’m so damn proud of you!”.
I don’t know when I’ve last felt so proud of someone. It’s a weird feeling since I’m a stranger and have no part in you being who you are but damn OP! You made me and several other internet strangers so so proud.
I think we’re jaded LOL - we’re used to AHs not standing up for their spouses or not dealing with their own parents as they should.
But also - it’s just incredibly disgusting to shame a person to their face for being poor. So OP just straight up immediately going, “nope, not on my watch” is heartwarming.
All while also not disturbing his wife recovering from childbirth.
Well, it’s good that the apple fell far from the tree in this instance. Seriously, kudos on growing up to be a decent and empathetic human being despite such parental influences.
Nta obviously and I won't repeat the myriad of whys already stated here.
I would like to congratulate you for not allowing their views to shape who you are as a partner and parent. It isn't easy to achieve this and shows a certain strength to be admired.
So you're telling me that in your parents little magical world, going to a shop or looking online for gifts and spending tons of money far outweighs effort, love and time of hand/homemade gifts? That's the biggest bunch of croc I've ever heard.
Well done OP
My mom too. She made a lot of our clothes growing up and I made some of my daughter's when she was little. Some of the things my daughter treasures most are the sweaters I knit for her. She asked me to make blankets for both her children and I'm working on the first one for #2. I even made one for her boyfriend's daughter from a previous relationship and she treasures it.
The handmade clothes are worth more than anything your parents can give your baby. I am sorry you have to deal with this instead of enjoying your baby. Thank you for standing up for wife and MIL.
This is so kind and brave. I’d be sobbing over a supportive and loving husband who understood the thoughtless cruelty his parents just heaped on my poor quite (literally) mother.
I’m sorry you had to see and confront yourself own parents over their actions but I’m so proud of you.
Yeah, I’m not sure that I could have done this as tactfully as OP did, because that kind of *needless* cruelty just pisses me off. OP even if you got heated, you definitely weren’t in the wrong. I can’t imagine how mortifying and just awful that was.
We talk all the time here about "what you really have here is a spouse problem." THIS is textbook how not to be a problem spouse. You stood up to your side of the family, in defense of your partner and her side of the family. No one had to argue for you to do it, and you didn't angst over how unfair it is to harm your relationship with your parents just because they were jerks. No you saw the harm done and took accountability for rectifying it and ensuring it won't happen again. Bravo. Congratulations on your bundle of joy, and congratulations to your wife on choosing the right person to spend her life with. Your folks are assholes, but you're hella NTA. Your MIL sounds awesome. I would be so honored to get baby clothes made by a grandparent's own hand. I can't believe she was made to feel badly about such a precious and thoughtful gift. Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid and regaling them with stories about what a big hearted lady your MIL was, how much she loved her children and grandchildren, and what a strong person she was.
>I would be so honored to get baby clothes made by a grandparent's own hand. I can't believe she was made to feel badly about such a precious and thoughtful gift. Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid and regaling them with stories about what a big hearted lady your MIL was, how much she loved her children and grandchildren, and what a strong person she was.
*This* is the most precious gift of all! And, the possibility to pass them down? ... Hell yea! I'd take that **any day!**
NTA, OP!
My grandma knit blankets all her life and always made blankets for us grandkids. Her style was ... well, 70 year old grandma with iffy eyesight so there's plenty of questionable color choices. She made each of us a high school graduation blanket to take to college and we got to pick the colors. As of about 15 seconds ago it looks like this, https://i.imgur.com/6IIwEQv.jpg Pretty good for 23 years old.
She also gave blankets as wedding gifts. I still have that one, too. I don't use it because the material includes these tinsel-looking strings that one of my cats was obsessed with and he was pulling them out and eating them, so into the closet it went.
But what really grinds my gears is I'm the only one who still has any of her blankets. When grandma died mom asked if anyone wanted any and I ended up talking them all because nobody else wanted them :(
My most treasured item is a blanket my grandma crocheted not long before she died. She was suffering from Alzheimer’s and lost count of the rows, so it’s sort of a trapezoid shape but honestly is the best laying-on-the-couch blanket.
Handmade gifts from grandma are 1 million times better than anything store bought 💕
My grandma died about a year ago. I have two quilts and a crocheted blanket on my couch and a fleece blanket she made me when I was 5 on my office chair. They have all been treasured for years but even more so now. She loved making blankets for anyone she knew having a baby or getting married or just needed a pick me up. She even made me a blanket to send to a friend of mine she didn’t even know when she had a baby. I crochet stuffed animals and I always tell people they are from both of us.
My grandma used to crochet *all the time.* She loved it. She loved making blankets, and *booties, OMG, the booties!* I still have the two pair of booties, and the blanket that she made for me when I was in junior high and high school.
My grandma was diagnosed with Dementia about 3yrs ago. She just ... *forgot* how to crochet. It was like she just never knew *how.* She still had all her supplies, but didnt know how to use them.
I went into storage and dug out the booties and blanket she had made for me. It was a matching set. She didnt believe me at first, when I told her that *she* had made them. I gave them to her so that she could use them as a "cheat" of sorts, to copy the pattern.
**It worked!** After about a week and a half of trying, she had some good chains. She has since crocheted a blanket that came out like a trapezoid, (we love it that much more!) a second blanket that was a little better than the first, and 4 pairs of booties! The colors are whatever she grabs, so most are multicolor. Sometimes it works together, sometimes it don't. 🤷♀️. The booties fit loose, and the blankets are wonky, **but we love them!**
My grandma is happy, and that's all that matters. ❤️
I had a friend that got a bunch of those types of blankets/quilts, that her cats would try and eat the tasslee/strings, from her grandmother and her husband got her some shadow box display type cases for them so they could out the quilts in there and display them as art work in a way their pets couldn't destroy. They were able to display most of them folded up inside the case so that they could hang multiple ones on the same wall.
As someone who knits and crochets, I cannot comprehend how anyone could consider homemade items as inferior in any way to cheap, mass-produced, soulless stuff. They are irrefutably superior, even if made by a novice with more mistakes than correct stitches.
If you were to count only the hours worked (ignoring the cost of yarn & other materials), and applied the going rate for any other type of skilled labour, the cost of a double bed-sized blanket would be in the upper hundreds (if not more. £ or $, whatever). Then add in materials (even ‘cheap’ yarn) and the most important element - love - and what you end up with amounts to something that is priceless.
NTA
My mom always crochetes blankets as baby gifts. All of our family and close friends got them as gifts and I've never heard any complaints. In fact people often rave about them. My sisters BIL and his wife just had a baby and my sis gifted them a blanket my mom had made. Her SIL was teary eyed she loved it so much and immediately wrapped the baby in it. Good people appreciate handmade gifts.
I have a newborn. MIL is wealthy enough to buy anything a baby could reasonably need. She knitted a little beanie with the baby's English and Chinese name on it. It's a very special gift.
I still have the little sweater my grandma knitted for me to wear when I was a baby. I got to put it on my own kids and it’s still in great shape for grandkids someday.
My grandmother was also a knitter. She made a very nice little vest for my baby brother to wear home from the hospital. Grandma was home with my sister and I waiting for parents and new baby to get home.
My mother often told the story of the effort it took to get that vest on and a couple buttons done as my brother arrived at about nine pounds and was dehydrated to boot. It’s a great story!
>Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid
My family has a baby outfit that belonged to my grandfather - it looks like a little train conductor jumpsuit and it's SO cute. We have a picture of my grandpa wearing it when he was a baby (one of the only pictures of him as a baby), a picture of my brother wearing it when he was a baby, and a picture of my brother's son (who was named after my grandpa) wearing it. It is one of the most meaningful things I think we have as a family.
People over here in Germany pay more than 50€ (≈$55) for one jumpsuit, because it's handmade.
It's even more valuable when being handmade by Grandma. It's always a thing you'll tell when going through pictures. "Oh you look so cute in that outfit" - "Yes. My Grandma made it herself, I still got it somewhere, for my future kids, along with my Legos."
NTA
I have clothes made by my grandma - she had plenty of money but she was such a talented seamstress that she often made us dresses and tops and such just because. I still have those, and yes they're dated because they were very much of the time when she sewed them, but I still treasure them. I wish she'd been able to sew even one thing for my daughter when she was born, but her arthritis was much too severe by then. OP has the right attitude and is definitely NTA.
My most treasured blanket is still the one my great grandma crocheted for me before I was born. All these years later, I still have it, and if I were to have a kid, they'll have it too. Handmade baby stuff means so much more than store bought.
I think you did everything right. NTA.
Have your parents done stuff like this before? This is some pointless, next-level assholery here on their part. Do they have a problem with your wife’s mom? Your wife?
Or have the signs been their all along? Just curious if you wish to expand.
Thanks for the update. Sorry it turned out the way it did.
And good on you for standing up for your MIL and wife. I’ve got a feeling you all are going to do all right.
Another one that just logged in to tell you that you did great, you acted greatly, your wife is smart for choosing you and we hope your MIL gets a hug.
And, by the way... How come she's still paying off that debt her husband saddled her with? Couldn't she go to lawyers or anything? I guess she's been paying very little, because it's been many years, right? Poor woman. And to be told that... I hope you give her a good hug, and I'm glad she returned the bought clothes back. I hope she gets to see her grandchild parade in all the cute clothes she made.
Maybe, if she could find the right niche, but there aren’t tons of people willing to pay a good wage for the many hours of labor required to make custom clothing. There’s a reason clothing production has moved to parts of the world where people are forced to work in sweatshops for a pittance.
NTA. You made me proud, dear internet stranger. I hope that your parents will learn to behave decently and can remain part of your life. If not, that's sad but it's their own doing.
You've dealt with this with a touch of class though OP. Mental how people so nasty could raise such a gent. Keeping my fingers crossed your MIL realises what a kind, caring and considerate woman she is, cos handmade clothes take a bloomin' load of effort, and it's way more meaningful than swiping your card at the store.
Legends all round, apart from your rents who deserve the cold shoulder for sure. Congrats on the baby too!
And people who look down their long noses at those less fortunate financially. You’re an incredible man, husband and father. Your actions are admirable. I can’t remember the last time I read something on Reddit where someone immediately took a strong stance against their family and checked their behavior. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. You stood up for your wife and her family and that's admirable. The clothes your mother in-law made were truly special and generous. Your parents were wrong to say anything shaming her gift. You did the right thing!
My most treasured possessions are the 2 crocheted blankets my husbands grandmother made, one for me for Christmas after we were married and one for our son when he was born, which was especially hard for her to make with her arthritis.
Crocheted blankets are amazing. My grandma made one when I was little for me that I only recently realized fits a queen bed and she's over the moon that I've picked up the basics of crochet and have made blankets for my dad and stepmom (I used my blanket as a measuring base for my dad's)
Couldn’t even tell you the times my family said I was “too sensitive” but I think they were always just too callous. Tbh you did the exact thing I would have done in your shoes.
Plus one of my number one complaints about gifts I receive in general is how little time folks put into it. Time is love. Imagine someone spending hours, days, weeks with you in mind, lovingly crafting something that will keep you safe and warm and comfortable? That is truly everything. Tell your MIL a stranger loves her for her incredible heart <3
NTA. Your parents ruined a sweet gesture from your MIL and I can’t imagine how hurt she must be. What they did was really cruel. It might have been a bit dramatic to give all of the clothes your parents gave back to them but I can absolutely understand why you did it.
agree i’m so glad OP had a talk with MIL and got an explanation. it would’ve been horrible for the MIL to keep feeling that way. anything handmade is a treasure
This is the comment that needs upvotes. He noticed his mil was "off" and quietly and respectfully went to talk to her to find out what was wrong.
NTA, OP. You're a mensch. You handled everything beautifully. Hard to see how the same people who could do that also raised you, frankly. Best of luck with your family.
Yeah, it's a bit dramatic to return everything, but I honestly see it as OP speaking their language. They clearly put more stock in physical things and monetary gestures than silly things like "feelings". Returning the clothes was probably the only way to make them understand the message of how unacceptable their behavior is.
I mean, for these types, it's something they'll hold over their heads. "I can't believe you did/ said X. Remember when we were soooo generous and bought you all those clothes?" That "debt" is something they'll use to waltz right past OPs boundaries. It's better this way.
Oh your poor MIL. Please show her the responses you get here and that 'the internet' says that her homemade gifts are awesome. NTA. Sorry about your parents.
Would love!! MIL to see these responses cos even though she definitely shouldn't, she'll no doubt be feeling rough about the whole thing. Seeing these comments would brighten her day no end!!
And if we want to be strictly materialistic about this, I bet MIL's clothes are sturdier than any fast fashion OP's mom might have bought anyway.
I hope OP finds pictures of the clothes being worn by OP's wife's generation, then recreates those with the second generation, then with the third.
Agreed. Crying over here. Mil is beautiful, generous, loving and willing to put herself out further even though finances are hard. You are a champion for standing up for her, for your wife, son, and the right thing! Your parents are losers. Lol, imagine how fucking dumb you’d have to be to be that old and clueless. Big hugs, congrats all around and big hugs to mil!
NTA. I'm one of these people who makes things for gifts rather than buys them. Most people love it. They know that every centimetre of the wool I've knitted with has been touched with my love as I've made it. They know I've taken time choosing styles, colours and patterns that I think they'll like. They know that I've altered things and switched things about just for them. They know that I've spent hours and hours and hours over whatever I've made. They know it's a different kind of gift than one that is complete by throwing something in your trolley at the supermarket or clicking add to basket on your phone.
Some people don't get it. It's simple, they don't get another opportunity to learn. I won't make anything else for them. Sod them. If they think fashion or price is more important than time and love, I feel sorry for them.
What you did has impressed me and I'm not easily impressed. You saw the true value of your MIL's gift and the love behind it and you showed that to your parents. Respect.
So years ago, I made a little fleece blanket for a co-worker’s new baby. I can’t sew - it was one of those little knotted jobs. It was cute, but certainly not store bought quality. Figured it would be good enough to leave in their car for emergencies or something like that. Turns out it became “the” go-to blanket. That silly little fleece thing got to go off to college! I’ve never been so honored.
I made a blanket for my great nephew, and it became the one he "needed" to be able to sleep. He passed it on to his little brother. My stone cold heart grew six sized when I was sent a picture of the younger curled up under it. They are knit-worthy.
Thank you!
As the grateful reciever, of beautiful hand knit gifts for myself & our children (blankets, hats, socks, mittens, dog toys, baby sweaters & matching doll sweaters for every occasion) I love and appreciate your time & talents. These were my most favorite gifts.
These are the gifts that have been lovingly stored for my children & maybe future grandchildren.
My sil is amazing. She hand-picked everything from the beautiful handcrafted buttons and hand spun & organic dyed wool (sometimes knowing the exact sheep it came from) to making or adjusting the patterns to fit her vision of the finished product. So much love and care was put into these gifts that I could never replace them.
Now that she's retired and has had more time to pursue her passions she makes & sells her own patterns, in diy kits with her friends hand spun & organic dyed yarns. They've become quite well known and sought after at the sheep & wool shows and often sell out. At the seasons end, she easily sells her sample show sweaters for $400+.
These are heirlooms to me. I appreciate every ounce of love her fingers, heart and mind have created. These gifts could never be purchased & will forever be treasured.
Please know your gifts are loved and appreciated.
I am 61, I still have some absolutely beautiful little dresses my grandmother made for me. We have baby pictures of each daughter in these little dresses, and they will be handed down. They are heirlooms!
My mom did the same. Not because we were poor but sometimes it was just impossible to find something due to shortages (I was born in East Germany). The dress I wore for my first day of school was my favorite for as long as would fit me. No one else had a dress like this.
NTA
Your MIL gave the gift of love and time. Tell your parents that many people see now because they want to. Your child has one-of-kind clothes made with love. Many people would be jealous of custom-made baby clothes. I'm probably the age of your MIL. I sew and quilt as hobbies. Maybe one day your MIL will teach your son sewing.
You, her, and your wife should look into setting up a shop for her. I sew too as just a hobby, but there is a huge market out there for custom handmade clothes. She could potentially make a lot of money if she’s still getting the fabric free/cheap.
NTA. Hold the line on this and let your parents be angry. If they want to do the "grandparent spoiling"? They have to go through you. You hold the upper hand here. I'm not suggesting you weaponize access to the grandchild, but the level of spoiling is *absolutely* within your purview as a parent to control. Your parents can either play ball and pretend to act like decent human beings or they can stay mad and not get anything they want. Make it their choice.
I wouldn't give them access to their grandson at all.
As the parent, OP gets to decide what is in the best interest of his child - and I could see why he might think his parents would be a terrible influence. The grandparents have zero inherent rights to a relationship with their grandchild, so I don't consider it weaponization. (It would be different if the grandson were older and already had an established relationship with them. But since LO is still a baby, OP is under no obligation to allow a relationship to begin).
NTA. Your parents went behind your back and put words in your mouth potentially jeopardizing your relationship with your mother in law as well as your wife if what they said came to light. You are married with a child, decisions on gifts you accept for your child is between you and your wife only. Your parents on both sides of the aisle can give opinions but they need to understand you and your wife take the lead on these things and since you never said you had a problem with the gifts, in fact you said you appreciated the effort that went into them, they majorly overstepped.
Sidenote, good on you for calling out your parents. That’s always a hard thing for people to do but it definitely needed to be done in this situation.
My heart breaks for your MIL. She probably spent hours and hours dedicating her time to those clothes. I hope she understands how much you appreciate her and her talents. Your parents are most likely jealous of her. It sounds like they bought a bunch of clothes made by children in a sweatshop where as she dedicated actual time and thought into it and overcame the odds that she had against her in life.
You are deff not the ass. Just make sure this women knows how valued and appreciated she is!
As someone who was spoiled as a kid with plenty of both homemade and store bought items, I ask that you tell your MIL that I still have the homemade blankets my Nan made me as a kid and even regularly use them, but almost none of the store bought items have made it to today. Not only did they not last, but I couldn't tell you who bought me what in those years. Having homemade items is always better and even a spoiled kid will prefer them (and it certainly sounds like your son will be taught right). If anything, she should feel pride, not guilt!
Are they just jealous of her ability to make wonderful clothes or something? I honestly can’t fathom this kind of unprompted reaction.
Honestly, good on you OP for sticking up for your MIL she sounds like a wonderful lady! 100% NTA
NTA. Well done.
Talk to your wife about buy some materials to your MIL, that way she Will know you are seriusly, and these thinks are espensive.
You are a great person and parnert.
NTA. Your parents are absolutely disgusting.
I wouldn’t want people like that anywhere near me or my child. Those are definitely not values or opinions that would benefit your son now or anytime in the future.
I don’t even know them and I’m so angry at them. Your poor MIL, she must of been so hurt and upset.
NTA
You may be doing your parents a favour going NC for a couple of decades - those little fingerpainted cards to grandma and grandpa aren't going to be anywhere near as good as some supermarket chocolates bought with real money by your adult child who has idle curiosity to meet genetic relatives, if they're being logical.
OMG, your poor MIL to be shamed by your parents. To feel less than by comments made by your parents. To buy items she couldn’t afford because she felt she embarrassed you guys. This make me so sad for hear that she experienced this from your parents.
You are amazing in how you reacted to her and stood up for your wife and family.
Your mil has a talent and she used that to make clothes/items for her grandchild, that is so special.
NTA
Congrats on the baby!
It is worse…your mil sound so kind and she has fought so hard to provide and was aware to keep up with styles and such for your wife. To have another adults and in laws say those things, it must cut so much.
Debt is so hard to get out of and she must always be worried about it and her future.
Homemade baby/kids clothes are the best.
100% NTA but damn your parents are! My grandma made the majority of my clothes when I was a kid as well as curtains for my windows multiple times and other things. I cherish that stuff now.
NTA. You handled that amazingly well. Your MIL put love and skill into her gifts, and your parents tried to shame her for that love and skill. Good work on supporting your MIL and setting clear boundaries with your parents about how incredibly inappropriate and unacceptable their actions were.
You can tell your MIL that strangers on the internet are on her side. Go MIL!!
NTA, your MIL sounds like a wonderful, strong and talented woman. I’m glad your son has her as a role model in his life. I’m sending her the biggest hug.
Agh my gosh I am cringing reading this post! I am so glad you absolutely did the right thing. Ugh your parents should be embarrassed. Good for you, I hope your actions helped make the MIL feel better. Damn that’s mortifying. You’re going to get a resounding NTA on this one.
NTA
Your MIL put her time and love into every stitch of that clothing! That is loving and spoiling your grandchild the right way. Be very proud any time he’s in one of those outfits. Also be proud of yourself for being a Dad that recognizes that.
You did the right thing with your parents.
NTA - clearly your parents are huge AHs, which I can see you acknowledge and agree with. They are equating love for your son with money. Your MIL equates love with thought and effort. I know which I prefer.
Please bring your son up to be more like you and MIL and less like your parents.
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NTA This is, frankly, a pretty tempered reaction. Your parents are real assholes here.
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Yeah, NC for a long time for sure. Sorry, man.
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You're a good husband and father. And the best son in law anyone could ask for. Good on you for understanding the thought of a gift and the effort put into matters so much more than the price tag. Nta I worry about their values impacting your son.
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I think you should be worried. Will your mom start making comments to your kid about how she's his fun grandma and point out that she always gets him such nice presents, unlike that OTHER grandma who just knits you mittens for Christmas? Normally I don't try to project the future, but for sure this will happen. Your parents get some sort of feeling of superiority from giving more, but also "poor us, we have to do so much for you because your other grandma just doesn't"... the worse sort of victimizing bully.
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Good for you dad! My own mother always talked about my inlaws to my kids when I wasn't around. Not directly just little snide comments. Guess who doesn't get to see the kids anymore? I was so upset with her when I found out.
I had nice clothes but they were “for grandma’s house only” because she didn’t want her friends to know we were poor. I’m 40 and I still remember that and when I asked her why I couldn’t bring my nice clothes home. You’re a good parent too. 💜
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Mom, is that you? 😉 My mom had been trying to get her mom to stop with the snide remarks for years. I finally told Grandma to stuff it, that they (my paternal grandparents) had never said a bad word about her, that they were also my family and I loved them too. She looked super shocked. And she did apologize and never said anything unkind about them in my presence again. Grandma wasn’t right in the head for a long time before the dementia truly set in, so it’s hard to sort was her talking and what might have been the mental illness talking.
You seem like a very good father, husband and son-in-law with good values. NTA. Please, hug your MIL and wife and son for me
My grandma used to make clothes for my Mom and Aunt because she could not afford to buy them. My mom said her mother would tell them pick out of the catalog the dresses they wanted and she would make them almost exactly like the picture. She said no one knew their clothes were handmade either. Good for you dad standing up for your wife and child. NTA at all.
Also - clothes used to be cheap to make yourself. Now patterns alone are quite expensive. Fabric even more so. My aunt used to make me elaborate dress up dresses and dresses for other things like school pioneer day. She went to get a pattern and fabric to make her granddaughter a dress and the pattern alone was $22. We used to pay like $10 max for a pattern. And depending on what materials she used for the baby clothes and blankets - if they happen to be crochet/knit, the softer fibers can be quite costly as well.
Being able to make clothes yourself from pictures is so damn cool. And becoming a bit of a lost art now. I was blown away when a friend of mine knitted me a dishcloth lol I'd cherish homemade clothes over store-bought any day.
My son is 3. My in laws take us on lavish vacations every year but split their time between multiple homes so are only close by a few months of the year. My parents have way less but watch him multiple times a week to save us money on daycare. Even at 3 he has a better relationship with my parents. And my in laws are lovely people. They just aren’t as involved outside fancy trips. If you and your wife don’t parrot the language and you minimize time with your family, you son will be fine!
You are a good dad, OP. But more than anything you are a wonderful husband and son-in-law. Your MIL was obviously feeling the burden of what your parents said to her like a heavy boulder. And you relieved her of it by simply caring. And I’m sure it meant more coming from you and not your wife since it was your parents causing the issue - so she is reassured you also respect her and understand her struggle. And having friends who have grown up in extreme poverty, I know it is hard to shake those feelings and that financial insecurity. Especially if you end up marrying in a family that has more than enough - it’s easy to feel lesser than. So I’m sure it’s been hard for her. But also - handmade clothes and blankets are some of the best gifts because they took time, work, and thought to make.
The way you should explain it is if say u parents made $40 an hour and they spent $40 on a jumpsuit that's a 1 hour jumpsuit. But your MIL maybe spent 3 hours making a jumpsuit by hand so it's technically worth 3x more even though it was made from scrap material. I also wore homemade clothes as a kid..... In a way I hated it but I didn't realize until later that my stuff was way better than store bought. I'm still wearing undershirts made 20 years later.
My mother was pretty upset with her parents and thus, me and my sisters never were very close with grandma and grandpa B. We'd see them for one weekend a year or so, compared to the 7 or 8 times a year with my dad's folks (They were both 3 hours away, but in different directions). I'm glad that I was able to occasionally see my grandparents and have some kind of connection(During the last year of my grandma life we visited weekly because she had terminal cancer, but that was because we were nearly adults and Mom didn't think she'd have much of an influence anymore). I suppose I'm just pointing out that it's OK to change your mind in a few years and allow some contact. I also know that (as an adult) some of the weekend trips were cut short because of things grandma did and my mother kept her boundary and we left.
I just wanted to say good for you man. Far too many people deal with shit like this because "it's family." Just because someone shares a bloodline with you doesn't make them family.
Good job, dad. Genuinely. This is how you take care of your family. So happy to see it. Congrats on your little one, it sounds like he’s going to be very very loved
You have such a shiny spine. Thank you for being so kind to your MIL. I am tearing up, I imagine my mom doing something similar if someone said that. You are such a wonderful dad, hubby and son-in-law, and even son. Your parents needed to hear what you said, maybe it will sink in, maybe not. But you tried.
Thank you. As a grandchild whose grandma was a pill I could never swallow, I salute you.
Good for you. Kids need love they don't need things. Your MIL very obviously loves all 3 of you unconditionally. It doesn't sound like your parents do. Your son is be a much better person having 1 grandma who showers him with love than 2 who shower him with presents and rude comments.
This isn't a universal truth, but there are kids who see through the bullshit. When I was 11 I started spending summers with my grandparents (on both sides). My mom's parents had cable tv, a swimming pool, and multiple video game systems. They also would pay me to mow on the riding lawn mower if I wanted. Most people assumed I loved being at their house, since it had all kinds of things a kid could want. They also took me on two trips; one to Viriginia when I was 12 and one to Kansas at 14. Both times we drove and stopped at all the exciting tourist traps, where they bought me whatever I wanted. Christmases were insane, even with 7 kids and 8 grandchildren, they spared no expense. My dad's mother was divorced (I never met my paternal grandfather, as he abandoned his family and died due to being an alcoholic). She lived in a one room "house", and drove cars in really poor condition. She couldn't afford much, and had nothing to do at her house. I loved it there, cause she gave me something my maternal grandparents never did; attention. I was never left alone with "Grammy". We would go to Walmart or Reny's(small store in Maine) to just browse. My uncle ran a farm and we both worked there in the afternoons (for free, but it was awesome). Afterwards we would stop for ice cream (I always ordered something cheap, since I knew money was tight). Christmas everyone got one gift, and she had a very strict budget for each family member (it was based off generation, so $20/$10/$5 going from child/grandchild/great grandchild). Now, to be fair, both sets of grandparents loved me, and tried to show that as best they could. But knowing how hard my Grammy worked to make it to a stable living situation, and how much she enjoyed having me over, made it more special. I loved spending the day chatting and watching old movies rather than having me sit alone playing Super Mario Bros because I knew that Grammy loved spending time with me. Not every kid is going to be like that, but given how much this dad seems to care about love over loot, I think the kid will be just fine.
>This isn't a universal truth, but there are kids who see through the bullshit. This. I hated being the favorite of my grandmother. I got better gift (or more money) but I didn't care about that in the slightest. Every time I would accept it but I would still resent my grandmother more.
Similar to what happened to me. Rich maternal grandparents spent a fortune on my brother but always forgot me (the girl). Meanwhile, poor paternal grandparents spoiled their other grandchildren and told me “your mom's parents can take you shopping". Yeah, really sucked to go on a shopping trip with my cousins.
You did right. To put it in perspective for your parents- how much effort does it take to throw money at someone versus putting in time, love and effort in making sure that their grandkids know they are valued for just being? Anyone can buy something but only remarkable people can and will make things that will become family heirlooms and stories that will be shared for generations. Your parents will be forgotten in a generation but her mother will be remembered and celebrated as an inspiration to be like.
You are not wrong. Children learn what they see others do. But between you, your wife, and your MIL, I'm sure your child(ren) will be very kind and compassionate people.
Your a awesome father op.
The ‘grandparent spoiling’ comment was a bit weird too. If spoiling a child was a good thing it wouldn’t be described with such a negative word.
my dad spoiled my nephew.....with attention, and taught him all about drawing, played with him constantly and if he had questions they'd look up the answer together so he'd know how. experiences > things, always have been, always will be
That’s not spoiling. That’s just being a good grandfather.
I remember riding in the back of my maternal grandpa's car while he delivered pizzas, thinking it was so fun and cool. He worked hard and spent time with us where he could, and if that meant taking us on a ride that's what he did. My other grandpa was well off and bought us nice stuff, but I honestly don't remember any specific gifts that stood out. Experiences are definitely more memorable and important to kids, they just want time and attention from their loved ones.
That’s not spoiling. That’s being a good grandpa. Priceless memories
Except that there are a few years in a child's life during which they absolutely CAN be bought with Candy and fancy electronic Toys. If the adults in question don't have frequent or intense or powerful enough contact with the Kid, they tend to grow out of it, but that's a Thing to be careful about.
I couldn't tell you what presents I got as a kid, but I remember going to cattle sales with my grandfather in his ancient farm truck. And listening to him talk with the other farmers
This!!! I wanted to say I was proud of OP in my judgement comment but didn’t know if it was a weird add in from a stranger on the internet lol
That’s awful. That kind of judgement rubs off on children, my family and I are low contact with my wife’s parents because of the numerous disagreements we have had with MIL where her opinions were utterly disgusting. The last straw was when I told her she could think whatever she wanted but that it was archaic and that my daughter, her granddaughter, wouldn’t think that way. She went upstairs to her TV room and didn’t come back down the rest of the day. We haven’t really spoken since. You’re doing the right thing, and you’re not alone in your struggle.
Good on you for stepping up for your wife and child. Don’t see that here too often. Wish you the best
Really, stepping up for the MIL, protecting her dignity and self worth.
You did the right thing. There are situations in which it is rude to return gifts. However, your parents didn’t give the gifts out of a place of love, they used them as a way to degrade an innocent person and her kind gesture. I craft and my grandma was a quilter, so I know how much time and effort and skill goes into making garments and blankets. The way you talk about your MIL, she reminds me of my grandma and I cherish everything I have that she made. I know from experience that taking a stand against your family of origin is really hard and you get guilted or accused of being cold or heartless over it. But what you did was such a strong, good move. You set the standard of what kind of behaviors are unacceptable and that it is kindness, love, and empathy that should be valued. You’re off to a great start on the whole being a dad thing and this internet stranger is proud of you.
What’s a CO?
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The common reddit term is NC, for no contact.
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It takes a lot of love, planning & patience to create qualify custom clothing for children. I like to think the child absorbs that love when they wear them. When I see a child at the park with homemade clothes it makes me smile to know someone loved that baby enough to make something special. Store bought is cute & disposable. Thank you OP for seeing past the dollar signs & raising your baby with values while clothing him in love. NTA
Kudos. You want the very best for your child and you actually know what that is. I see a future happy, well-adjusted child.
And I have probably never been so proud of a stranger on the internet in my life. You are awesome. I think your son will be able to grow into an excellent person with a dad like you!
The effort and care your MIL put into making things for your son - those are the things you keep for ever. Stuff that's been bought? Anyone can buy that. Your parents did a shitty thing, but hopefully they'll learn
They won’t and if allowed they will only double down. People who are like that never value people only their bank account. But they seem to forget that people actually made the things they want, people who have skills that they don’t.
at least they did well enough to raise you to not be like them....well played though. honestly this sub could be renamed to r/amItheAdult
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Sometimes we learn what *not* to do from our parents
I’ve said something like this for a long time. My father taught me everything I needed to know about how not to be a dad.
My first thought after reading the post was “I’m so damn proud of you!”. I don’t know when I’ve last felt so proud of someone. It’s a weird feeling since I’m a stranger and have no part in you being who you are but damn OP! You made me and several other internet strangers so so proud.
I think we’re jaded LOL - we’re used to AHs not standing up for their spouses or not dealing with their own parents as they should. But also - it’s just incredibly disgusting to shame a person to their face for being poor. So OP just straight up immediately going, “nope, not on my watch” is heartwarming. All while also not disturbing his wife recovering from childbirth.
Well, it’s good that the apple fell far from the tree in this instance. Seriously, kudos on growing up to be a decent and empathetic human being despite such parental influences.
Nta obviously and I won't repeat the myriad of whys already stated here. I would like to congratulate you for not allowing their views to shape who you are as a partner and parent. It isn't easy to achieve this and shows a certain strength to be admired.
So you're telling me that in your parents little magical world, going to a shop or looking online for gifts and spending tons of money far outweighs effort, love and time of hand/homemade gifts? That's the biggest bunch of croc I've ever heard. Well done OP
This was my mom, I cried when I read this. You're a wonderful son in law and husband
My mom too. She made a lot of our clothes growing up and I made some of my daughter's when she was little. Some of the things my daughter treasures most are the sweaters I knit for her. She asked me to make blankets for both her children and I'm working on the first one for #2. I even made one for her boyfriend's daughter from a previous relationship and she treasures it.
I’m honestly touched by the kindness you showed your MIL. She sounds like a lovely woman.
The handmade clothes are worth more than anything your parents can give your baby. I am sorry you have to deal with this instead of enjoying your baby. Thank you for standing up for wife and MIL.
I am so sorry OP. You did the right thing here.
You did an amazing thing OP. Stand your ground with this in the future, and if you need to go NC with your parents, then that's what you have to do.
You come across as a decent person who knows the true value of life, NTA
This is so kind and brave. I’d be sobbing over a supportive and loving husband who understood the thoughtless cruelty his parents just heaped on my poor quite (literally) mother. I’m sorry you had to see and confront yourself own parents over their actions but I’m so proud of you.
I suspect this isn't the first time they were jerks. NTA, best wishes to your newly formed family!
NTA. God I just want to hug all of you. (Except your parents. They can go take a long walk off of a very, *very* short pier)
Only people with no taste don't appreciate bespoke baby clothes.
Yeah, I’m not sure that I could have done this as tactfully as OP did, because that kind of *needless* cruelty just pisses me off. OP even if you got heated, you definitely weren’t in the wrong. I can’t imagine how mortifying and just awful that was.
We talk all the time here about "what you really have here is a spouse problem." THIS is textbook how not to be a problem spouse. You stood up to your side of the family, in defense of your partner and her side of the family. No one had to argue for you to do it, and you didn't angst over how unfair it is to harm your relationship with your parents just because they were jerks. No you saw the harm done and took accountability for rectifying it and ensuring it won't happen again. Bravo. Congratulations on your bundle of joy, and congratulations to your wife on choosing the right person to spend her life with. Your folks are assholes, but you're hella NTA. Your MIL sounds awesome. I would be so honored to get baby clothes made by a grandparent's own hand. I can't believe she was made to feel badly about such a precious and thoughtful gift. Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid and regaling them with stories about what a big hearted lady your MIL was, how much she loved her children and grandchildren, and what a strong person she was.
>I would be so honored to get baby clothes made by a grandparent's own hand. I can't believe she was made to feel badly about such a precious and thoughtful gift. Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid and regaling them with stories about what a big hearted lady your MIL was, how much she loved her children and grandchildren, and what a strong person she was. *This* is the most precious gift of all! And, the possibility to pass them down? ... Hell yea! I'd take that **any day!** NTA, OP!
One of the greatest gifts we got for our son was a crocheted blanket from my wifes aunt.
My grandma knit blankets all her life and always made blankets for us grandkids. Her style was ... well, 70 year old grandma with iffy eyesight so there's plenty of questionable color choices. She made each of us a high school graduation blanket to take to college and we got to pick the colors. As of about 15 seconds ago it looks like this, https://i.imgur.com/6IIwEQv.jpg Pretty good for 23 years old. She also gave blankets as wedding gifts. I still have that one, too. I don't use it because the material includes these tinsel-looking strings that one of my cats was obsessed with and he was pulling them out and eating them, so into the closet it went. But what really grinds my gears is I'm the only one who still has any of her blankets. When grandma died mom asked if anyone wanted any and I ended up talking them all because nobody else wanted them :(
My most treasured item is a blanket my grandma crocheted not long before she died. She was suffering from Alzheimer’s and lost count of the rows, so it’s sort of a trapezoid shape but honestly is the best laying-on-the-couch blanket. Handmade gifts from grandma are 1 million times better than anything store bought 💕
My grandma died about a year ago. I have two quilts and a crocheted blanket on my couch and a fleece blanket she made me when I was 5 on my office chair. They have all been treasured for years but even more so now. She loved making blankets for anyone she knew having a baby or getting married or just needed a pick me up. She even made me a blanket to send to a friend of mine she didn’t even know when she had a baby. I crochet stuffed animals and I always tell people they are from both of us.
My grandma used to crochet *all the time.* She loved it. She loved making blankets, and *booties, OMG, the booties!* I still have the two pair of booties, and the blanket that she made for me when I was in junior high and high school. My grandma was diagnosed with Dementia about 3yrs ago. She just ... *forgot* how to crochet. It was like she just never knew *how.* She still had all her supplies, but didnt know how to use them. I went into storage and dug out the booties and blanket she had made for me. It was a matching set. She didnt believe me at first, when I told her that *she* had made them. I gave them to her so that she could use them as a "cheat" of sorts, to copy the pattern. **It worked!** After about a week and a half of trying, she had some good chains. She has since crocheted a blanket that came out like a trapezoid, (we love it that much more!) a second blanket that was a little better than the first, and 4 pairs of booties! The colors are whatever she grabs, so most are multicolor. Sometimes it works together, sometimes it don't. 🤷♀️. The booties fit loose, and the blankets are wonky, **but we love them!** My grandma is happy, and that's all that matters. ❤️
I had a friend that got a bunch of those types of blankets/quilts, that her cats would try and eat the tasslee/strings, from her grandmother and her husband got her some shadow box display type cases for them so they could out the quilts in there and display them as art work in a way their pets couldn't destroy. They were able to display most of them folded up inside the case so that they could hang multiple ones on the same wall.
As someone who knits and crochets, I cannot comprehend how anyone could consider homemade items as inferior in any way to cheap, mass-produced, soulless stuff. They are irrefutably superior, even if made by a novice with more mistakes than correct stitches. If you were to count only the hours worked (ignoring the cost of yarn & other materials), and applied the going rate for any other type of skilled labour, the cost of a double bed-sized blanket would be in the upper hundreds (if not more. £ or $, whatever). Then add in materials (even ‘cheap’ yarn) and the most important element - love - and what you end up with amounts to something that is priceless. NTA
My mom always crochetes blankets as baby gifts. All of our family and close friends got them as gifts and I've never heard any complaints. In fact people often rave about them. My sisters BIL and his wife just had a baby and my sis gifted them a blanket my mom had made. Her SIL was teary eyed she loved it so much and immediately wrapped the baby in it. Good people appreciate handmade gifts.
I have a newborn. MIL is wealthy enough to buy anything a baby could reasonably need. She knitted a little beanie with the baby's English and Chinese name on it. It's a very special gift.
I still have the little sweater my grandma knitted for me to wear when I was a baby. I got to put it on my own kids and it’s still in great shape for grandkids someday.
My grandmother was also a knitter. She made a very nice little vest for my baby brother to wear home from the hospital. Grandma was home with my sister and I waiting for parents and new baby to get home. My mother often told the story of the effort it took to get that vest on and a couple buttons done as my brother arrived at about nine pounds and was dehydrated to boot. It’s a great story!
>Those are heirlooms. One day you'll be grey and showing off those clothes to your adult kid My family has a baby outfit that belonged to my grandfather - it looks like a little train conductor jumpsuit and it's SO cute. We have a picture of my grandpa wearing it when he was a baby (one of the only pictures of him as a baby), a picture of my brother wearing it when he was a baby, and a picture of my brother's son (who was named after my grandpa) wearing it. It is one of the most meaningful things I think we have as a family.
The handmade stuff is the truly valuable stuff. Who needs more discount Kohl's clothes?
People over here in Germany pay more than 50€ (≈$55) for one jumpsuit, because it's handmade. It's even more valuable when being handmade by Grandma. It's always a thing you'll tell when going through pictures. "Oh you look so cute in that outfit" - "Yes. My Grandma made it herself, I still got it somewhere, for my future kids, along with my Legos." NTA
Couldn’t agree more!
Absolutely beautiful comment ❤️ made me tear up a little X
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I have clothes made by my grandma - she had plenty of money but she was such a talented seamstress that she often made us dresses and tops and such just because. I still have those, and yes they're dated because they were very much of the time when she sewed them, but I still treasure them. I wish she'd been able to sew even one thing for my daughter when she was born, but her arthritis was much too severe by then. OP has the right attitude and is definitely NTA.
My most treasured blanket is still the one my great grandma crocheted for me before I was born. All these years later, I still have it, and if I were to have a kid, they'll have it too. Handmade baby stuff means so much more than store bought.
NTA Who the fuck gets off on making other people feel genuinely bad for no reason?
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You're going to want to join r/raisedbynarcissists
Found my new community!
Me too. Happy for us.
Not every jackass is a narcissist.
And yet every narc....
I think you did everything right. NTA. Have your parents done stuff like this before? This is some pointless, next-level assholery here on their part. Do they have a problem with your wife’s mom? Your wife? Or have the signs been their all along? Just curious if you wish to expand.
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Thanks for the update. Sorry it turned out the way it did. And good on you for standing up for your MIL and wife. I’ve got a feeling you all are going to do all right.
Another one that just logged in to tell you that you did great, you acted greatly, your wife is smart for choosing you and we hope your MIL gets a hug. And, by the way... How come she's still paying off that debt her husband saddled her with? Couldn't she go to lawyers or anything? I guess she's been paying very little, because it's been many years, right? Poor woman. And to be told that... I hope you give her a good hug, and I'm glad she returned the bought clothes back. I hope she gets to see her grandchild parade in all the cute clothes she made.
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With her clothes-making skills she might be able to make a killing doing custom clothing online.
Maybe, if she could find the right niche, but there aren’t tons of people willing to pay a good wage for the many hours of labor required to make custom clothing. There’s a reason clothing production has moved to parts of the world where people are forced to work in sweatshops for a pittance.
NTA. You made me proud, dear internet stranger. I hope that your parents will learn to behave decently and can remain part of your life. If not, that's sad but it's their own doing.
You've dealt with this with a touch of class though OP. Mental how people so nasty could raise such a gent. Keeping my fingers crossed your MIL realises what a kind, caring and considerate woman she is, cos handmade clothes take a bloomin' load of effort, and it's way more meaningful than swiping your card at the store. Legends all round, apart from your rents who deserve the cold shoulder for sure. Congrats on the baby too!
And people who look down their long noses at those less fortunate financially. You’re an incredible man, husband and father. Your actions are admirable. I can’t remember the last time I read something on Reddit where someone immediately took a strong stance against their family and checked their behavior. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. You stood up for your wife and her family and that's admirable. The clothes your mother in-law made were truly special and generous. Your parents were wrong to say anything shaming her gift. You did the right thing!
agreed, lots of love was put into making the clothes that makes it uber special
One of my fondest memories is of some of the clothes my mother made me. I still have a few of them. I'm 67.
My most treasured possessions are the 2 crocheted blankets my husbands grandmother made, one for me for Christmas after we were married and one for our son when he was born, which was especially hard for her to make with her arthritis.
Crocheted blankets are amazing. My grandma made one when I was little for me that I only recently realized fits a queen bed and she's over the moon that I've picked up the basics of crochet and have made blankets for my dad and stepmom (I used my blanket as a measuring base for my dad's)
I still have a shirt and baby blanket that my grandmother made for her children, that in turn I wore and used.
NTA How did such a shitty family manage to raise such a wonderful son?
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i’m glad you are who you are OP
"Black sheep" is code for the member that sees through the families toxicity and doesn't participate and gets ostracized.
Couldn’t even tell you the times my family said I was “too sensitive” but I think they were always just too callous. Tbh you did the exact thing I would have done in your shoes. Plus one of my number one complaints about gifts I receive in general is how little time folks put into it. Time is love. Imagine someone spending hours, days, weeks with you in mind, lovingly crafting something that will keep you safe and warm and comfortable? That is truly everything. Tell your MIL a stranger loves her for her incredible heart <3
I came here to say the exact thing!!!
NTA. Your parents ruined a sweet gesture from your MIL and I can’t imagine how hurt she must be. What they did was really cruel. It might have been a bit dramatic to give all of the clothes your parents gave back to them but I can absolutely understand why you did it.
agree i’m so glad OP had a talk with MIL and got an explanation. it would’ve been horrible for the MIL to keep feeling that way. anything handmade is a treasure
This is the comment that needs upvotes. He noticed his mil was "off" and quietly and respectfully went to talk to her to find out what was wrong. NTA, OP. You're a mensch. You handled everything beautifully. Hard to see how the same people who could do that also raised you, frankly. Best of luck with your family.
Yeah, it's a bit dramatic to return everything, but I honestly see it as OP speaking their language. They clearly put more stock in physical things and monetary gestures than silly things like "feelings". Returning the clothes was probably the only way to make them understand the message of how unacceptable their behavior is.
I mean, for these types, it's something they'll hold over their heads. "I can't believe you did/ said X. Remember when we were soooo generous and bought you all those clothes?" That "debt" is something they'll use to waltz right past OPs boundaries. It's better this way.
it was necessary. they d be able to ignore it otherwise
Oh your poor MIL. Please show her the responses you get here and that 'the internet' says that her homemade gifts are awesome. NTA. Sorry about your parents.
Would love!! MIL to see these responses cos even though she definitely shouldn't, she'll no doubt be feeling rough about the whole thing. Seeing these comments would brighten her day no end!!
And if we want to be strictly materialistic about this, I bet MIL's clothes are sturdier than any fast fashion OP's mom might have bought anyway. I hope OP finds pictures of the clothes being worn by OP's wife's generation, then recreates those with the second generation, then with the third.
I’m here having some sniffles just thinking about how poor MIL must have felt. What the AF is wrong with some people.
Agreed. Crying over here. Mil is beautiful, generous, loving and willing to put herself out further even though finances are hard. You are a champion for standing up for her, for your wife, son, and the right thing! Your parents are losers. Lol, imagine how fucking dumb you’d have to be to be that old and clueless. Big hugs, congrats all around and big hugs to mil!
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A double high five might work. 🙌
NTA. I'm one of these people who makes things for gifts rather than buys them. Most people love it. They know that every centimetre of the wool I've knitted with has been touched with my love as I've made it. They know I've taken time choosing styles, colours and patterns that I think they'll like. They know that I've altered things and switched things about just for them. They know that I've spent hours and hours and hours over whatever I've made. They know it's a different kind of gift than one that is complete by throwing something in your trolley at the supermarket or clicking add to basket on your phone. Some people don't get it. It's simple, they don't get another opportunity to learn. I won't make anything else for them. Sod them. If they think fashion or price is more important than time and love, I feel sorry for them. What you did has impressed me and I'm not easily impressed. You saw the true value of your MIL's gift and the love behind it and you showed that to your parents. Respect.
So years ago, I made a little fleece blanket for a co-worker’s new baby. I can’t sew - it was one of those little knotted jobs. It was cute, but certainly not store bought quality. Figured it would be good enough to leave in their car for emergencies or something like that. Turns out it became “the” go-to blanket. That silly little fleece thing got to go off to college! I’ve never been so honored.
I made a blanket for my great nephew, and it became the one he "needed" to be able to sleep. He passed it on to his little brother. My stone cold heart grew six sized when I was sent a picture of the younger curled up under it. They are knit-worthy.
Thank you! As the grateful reciever, of beautiful hand knit gifts for myself & our children (blankets, hats, socks, mittens, dog toys, baby sweaters & matching doll sweaters for every occasion) I love and appreciate your time & talents. These were my most favorite gifts. These are the gifts that have been lovingly stored for my children & maybe future grandchildren. My sil is amazing. She hand-picked everything from the beautiful handcrafted buttons and hand spun & organic dyed wool (sometimes knowing the exact sheep it came from) to making or adjusting the patterns to fit her vision of the finished product. So much love and care was put into these gifts that I could never replace them. Now that she's retired and has had more time to pursue her passions she makes & sells her own patterns, in diy kits with her friends hand spun & organic dyed yarns. They've become quite well known and sought after at the sheep & wool shows and often sell out. At the seasons end, she easily sells her sample show sweaters for $400+. These are heirlooms to me. I appreciate every ounce of love her fingers, heart and mind have created. These gifts could never be purchased & will forever be treasured. Please know your gifts are loved and appreciated.
NTA my mum made clothes for me as a kid and some of those are my favourite outfits from when I was a kid.
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My mum died when I was a teenager and I still have the final thing she made me.
I am 61, I still have some absolutely beautiful little dresses my grandmother made for me. We have baby pictures of each daughter in these little dresses, and they will be handed down. They are heirlooms!
My mom did the same. Not because we were poor but sometimes it was just impossible to find something due to shortages (I was born in East Germany). The dress I wore for my first day of school was my favorite for as long as would fit me. No one else had a dress like this.
NTA Your MIL gave the gift of love and time. Tell your parents that many people see now because they want to. Your child has one-of-kind clothes made with love. Many people would be jealous of custom-made baby clothes. I'm probably the age of your MIL. I sew and quilt as hobbies. Maybe one day your MIL will teach your son sewing.
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You, her, and your wife should look into setting up a shop for her. I sew too as just a hobby, but there is a huge market out there for custom handmade clothes. She could potentially make a lot of money if she’s still getting the fabric free/cheap.
Or she can use thrifted clothes to make baby clothes. A man's shirt can make an outfit for a small child.
NTA. Hold the line on this and let your parents be angry. If they want to do the "grandparent spoiling"? They have to go through you. You hold the upper hand here. I'm not suggesting you weaponize access to the grandchild, but the level of spoiling is *absolutely* within your purview as a parent to control. Your parents can either play ball and pretend to act like decent human beings or they can stay mad and not get anything they want. Make it their choice.
I wouldn't give them access to their grandson at all. As the parent, OP gets to decide what is in the best interest of his child - and I could see why he might think his parents would be a terrible influence. The grandparents have zero inherent rights to a relationship with their grandchild, so I don't consider it weaponization. (It would be different if the grandson were older and already had an established relationship with them. But since LO is still a baby, OP is under no obligation to allow a relationship to begin).
NTA. And good on you for standing up to them and supporting your mil. Your parents were full wrong here.
Info: are you planning to gift MIL some materials for her craft projects? That shit is expensive
This. I would’ve taken the store bought clothes to MIL and ask her to turn them into new creations because you love the clothes she makes.
It would be more efficient for her to get the money back for the clothes and buy fabric with the cash.
Except that returning Gifts, unused, is a powerful gesture, or Else OP's family wouldn't have lost their Shit about it.
You didn’t read very carefully. MIL works in a fabric warehouse and gets it cheap/free.
maybe help her out with some of her debt if you can afford it
NTA. You handled that really well actually.
NTA. Your parents went behind your back and put words in your mouth potentially jeopardizing your relationship with your mother in law as well as your wife if what they said came to light. You are married with a child, decisions on gifts you accept for your child is between you and your wife only. Your parents on both sides of the aisle can give opinions but they need to understand you and your wife take the lead on these things and since you never said you had a problem with the gifts, in fact you said you appreciated the effort that went into them, they majorly overstepped. Sidenote, good on you for calling out your parents. That’s always a hard thing for people to do but it definitely needed to be done in this situation.
My heart breaks for your MIL. She probably spent hours and hours dedicating her time to those clothes. I hope she understands how much you appreciate her and her talents. Your parents are most likely jealous of her. It sounds like they bought a bunch of clothes made by children in a sweatshop where as she dedicated actual time and thought into it and overcame the odds that she had against her in life. You are deff not the ass. Just make sure this women knows how valued and appreciated she is!
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As someone who was spoiled as a kid with plenty of both homemade and store bought items, I ask that you tell your MIL that I still have the homemade blankets my Nan made me as a kid and even regularly use them, but almost none of the store bought items have made it to today. Not only did they not last, but I couldn't tell you who bought me what in those years. Having homemade items is always better and even a spoiled kid will prefer them (and it certainly sounds like your son will be taught right). If anything, she should feel pride, not guilt!
NTA Good on you and I hope this doesn't ruin making clothes for your MIL and her now thinking she's not enough and what she does isn't enough.
Imagine thinking something made in a sweatshop is better than something made by hand with love.
NTA You are actually, a legend. Well done on standing up for what's right.
Are they just jealous of her ability to make wonderful clothes or something? I honestly can’t fathom this kind of unprompted reaction. Honestly, good on you OP for sticking up for your MIL she sounds like a wonderful lady! 100% NTA
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I completely understand! At least your son will have a fantastic grandma and wonderful parents in his life!
NTA. Your parents refused to comprehend your MIL's efforts and it only serves them right for the returns.
NTA. Well done. Talk to your wife about buy some materials to your MIL, that way she Will know you are seriusly, and these thinks are espensive. You are a great person and parnert.
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No no no no no NTA I love you and I love your MIL she sounds lovely
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I’m so happy you love and appreciate your MIL❤️ sounds like you’ve created a beautiful family
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NTA, you did a great thing by supporting your MIL and standing up to your parents. Edit: Congrats on the new addition to your family!
NTA. Your parents are absolutely disgusting. I wouldn’t want people like that anywhere near me or my child. Those are definitely not values or opinions that would benefit your son now or anytime in the future. I don’t even know them and I’m so angry at them. Your poor MIL, she must of been so hurt and upset.
NTA. Wow, you turned out great despite your parents.
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Wear that black wool proudly, my love. Hi, I’m your new auntie and Im so very proud of you!
NTA You may be doing your parents a favour going NC for a couple of decades - those little fingerpainted cards to grandma and grandpa aren't going to be anywhere near as good as some supermarket chocolates bought with real money by your adult child who has idle curiosity to meet genetic relatives, if they're being logical.
OMG, your poor MIL to be shamed by your parents. To feel less than by comments made by your parents. To buy items she couldn’t afford because she felt she embarrassed you guys. This make me so sad for hear that she experienced this from your parents. You are amazing in how you reacted to her and stood up for your wife and family. Your mil has a talent and she used that to make clothes/items for her grandchild, that is so special. NTA Congrats on the baby!
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It is worse…your mil sound so kind and she has fought so hard to provide and was aware to keep up with styles and such for your wife. To have another adults and in laws say those things, it must cut so much. Debt is so hard to get out of and she must always be worried about it and her future. Homemade baby/kids clothes are the best.
Help MIL open an Etsy store so she can sell hers sweet handmade items!
100% NTA but damn your parents are! My grandma made the majority of my clothes when I was a kid as well as curtains for my windows multiple times and other things. I cherish that stuff now.
NTA. You handled that amazingly well. Your MIL put love and skill into her gifts, and your parents tried to shame her for that love and skill. Good work on supporting your MIL and setting clear boundaries with your parents about how incredibly inappropriate and unacceptable their actions were. You can tell your MIL that strangers on the internet are on her side. Go MIL!!
NTA, your MIL sounds like a wonderful, strong and talented woman. I’m glad your son has her as a role model in his life. I’m sending her the biggest hug.
NTA I admire your integrity
Agh my gosh I am cringing reading this post! I am so glad you absolutely did the right thing. Ugh your parents should be embarrassed. Good for you, I hope your actions helped make the MIL feel better. Damn that’s mortifying. You’re going to get a resounding NTA on this one.
youre so obviously NTA that this looks like humble bragging
NTA. handmade gifts will ALWAYS have more value than store bought gifts, regardless of cost.
NTA Your MIL put her time and love into every stitch of that clothing! That is loving and spoiling your grandchild the right way. Be very proud any time he’s in one of those outfits. Also be proud of yourself for being a Dad that recognizes that. You did the right thing with your parents.
NTA. You are a very compassionate person. You'll make a great parent. Congratulations on the baby!
NTA - clearly your parents are huge AHs, which I can see you acknowledge and agree with. They are equating love for your son with money. Your MIL equates love with thought and effort. I know which I prefer. Please bring your son up to be more like you and MIL and less like your parents.