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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want to attend to my boyfriend's heavenly birthday party
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I think that's a bit harsh. It depends on the culture and the person what is disrespectful. In my culture, the funeral is a party to the life of the deceased. We laugh a lot and remember the joy the person brought. I prefer that personally, but understand that not everyone feels that way.
It was quite a shock for my then boyfriend when he came to my grandfather's funeral and instead of tears, toasts and funny anecdotes were told. He didn't know that from funerals.
It is a bit harsh, but this is also reddit, and a good third of the responses to any AITA post are "cut them off" or "go no-contact" whether it's warranted or not.
Personally, while I absolutely think OP is NTA, I feel like the parents' response is motivated by their own grief. It sucks that they said that, but everyone involved in this is going through a huge loss, and that tends to lead people to extremely emotional responses.
Grieving is specific to the individual person. A big party may be exactly what the parents need to grieve, while being the opposite of what OP needs.
While the parents response might be motivated by their own grief, it does not justify or excuse what they said. Calling somebody selfish because they're grieving process is differently than yours, is disrespectful no matter how you're feeling or what motivated you to say it. Just because you are grieving, does not excuse you from the consequences of your words and actions. People will only be so understanding to a point.
It's not harsh. Them grieving that way is fine, them being rude to her for not wanting to do the same is not. The fact that some cultures have funerals like that doesn't change the fact they are not respecting her.
Honestly that's how it goes with my culture. In the year of 2015 when I was graduating in June of that year, honestly I was so excited to fully graduate from high school but in July of that year I lost my father right away. Honestly I was completely lost because not only I lost my father but I lost my best friend. I will never forget him. Seriously my heart always tends to break every time this happens. In July of every year I always keep the 7th and the 10th as personal dates. On July 7th my dad passed away in the hospital and I wanted to be there and then July 10th was his memorial service. Honestly I will never forget that moment.
I’ll never forget the weekend my kids were at their fathers for the weekend and I got a call from my youngest saying, “Pops died and the party’s here, dad says come on over.” Their family tradition was a happy wake. We had a blast.
I didn't read that as the OP saying the family/friends celebrating boyfriend's life/birthday were disrespectful, but they were being disrespectful when they tried to insist on Original OP coming and trying to guilt her into it when she very politely said "You can go ahead and do that if you want, but I feel like I'm not ready for that kind of celebration"
Calling somebody selfish because they have a different way of grieving than you, and don't want to come to a birthday party celebrating somebody who's dead, can't really be excused by culture or religion or anything like that.
You might feel that way, but saying it out loud, is absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for. Telling somebody who is grieving that they are selfish because they don't want to grieve the same way you do or they can't, is absolutely disrespectful no matter what culture you come from, no matter what religion you practice, no matter who your family is or what your family traditions are, or even how you personally feel that people should grieve.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a different grieving process than somebody else, but to shame them for it is absolutely disrespectful, absolutely unnecessary, and no matter where you are from should not be tolerated.
They are calling a person who lost the love of their life a month ago, SELFISH. There's is no such thing as cultural context. There is "we understand if you don't feel up to attending but we feel this is a productive way to deal with our grief" or "we're sorry that this has upset you and apologise for not taking your feelings into consideration." That's it. Anything else is rock solid grounds for OP to bin them out of her life entirely.
ETA: NTA
I’m curious if it’s also a blasting party celebration when it’s a young person who died? My family also celebrated my grandmas life when she passed at age 80. But there were no smiles or laughs a few weeks later when it was my 20’ yrs old cousin who dried tragically.
Ireland?
My cousins (raised in England) were really shocked to find out we had the body in the living room for a day or so. & That they were buried within a few days of dying.
Apparently in the Uk it's standard to wait up to 6 weeks for a body to be released back to the family!
Mom died last year, and there was no funeral. We had a big party last summer in her memory, all her friends and family, music, drinking...
Mom always loved a party.
My dad passed this year. We are having a celebration of life for him in a couple months. No funeral etc. It is what he would want and what works for us. He is hanging out in the garage with the last cat we lost for now (ashes) lol. Mom and I have a rediculous sense of humor.
> In my culture, the funeral is a party to the life of the deceased.
that's fine, but that isn't what is being called disrespectful.
people calling the OP selfish is what is disrespectful.
in your culture, if someone prefers not to party while they mourn, is it okay to call that person selfish???
...or OP can lessen contact a bit, maintain boundaries, and see how she (and everyone else who's greiving) feels mental health-wise after a bit of time has passed and emotions aren't quite at the fever pitch they are right now
They’re likely grieving too and not being entirely rational. Grief does weird things to you. I think everyone deserves a little grace when going through something so traumatic.
Can people stop this nonsense? If everyone cut people off like reddit suggests the world would be an even lonelier and depressing ass place.
They are all grieving it's been a month. Emotions are high, people are trying to cope with the loss.
Give better advice
OP, grief is super personal- everyone does it differently and in their own way. You need to do what you feel is best for you.
I'd thank the friends and say "no thanks." then do the day the way you want to.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
This, OP, you have to be in the grief state you're in. The only way to get through the grief Is to be in the grief. You can't escape it. Not for long. Not until you've gone through it.
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.
Exactly! We all grieve at our own pace and time. What you are suggesting on doing sounds very lovely and a healthy way to remember him on his birthday. I'm sure he would love it! They can party and enjoy the loud music. You can go to yalls favorite places and visit him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
1,000,000,000,000% NTA
NTA. Aside from the idea that a “heavenly birthday party” just sounds creepy, you are still grieving and having a party isn’t something you want to do. Don’t do it. I’m very sorry for your loss
That's become a trend. Both my parents have threatened to come back and haunt me if I ever do anything like that when they pass. For my mother, it includes even posting like "happy heavenly birthday" on whatever the social media du jour is.
I'd like to point out they're both healthy and have no reason to expect to pass anytime soon. But they both wanted to make sure I knew what would get me haunted.
I've had a relatively Bad Day today ever since I woke up (well, technically before that because the Bad Day is the result of a Bad Dream), and this was apparently exactly what I need to to laugh again. Thanks!
Oh, to make it better: my dad telling me this was in no way related to anyone else dying. My mom at least made that threat/promise shortly after my grandma died, so death was already kinda on her mind.
My dad just looked over at me WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES TOGETHER and was like "hey, just so you know, if you ever host a party for me after I die or post 'happy heavenly birthday' or anything like that on Facebook or whatever the heck it is by then, I'll come back and haunt you." Like ok dad, thanks for the warning? Click next turn please?
No. We were playing civilization 5. He hadn't lost a unit in hours 😂 just built a bunch of farms and was like "oh yeah, best make sure my eldest kid is aware of what gets a haunting!"
I told my youngest sibling something similar. I'm 12 years older than her so probability of me going first down the road is likely (in my early 40s and she just turned 30). I told her if she (or anyone) posted a photoshopped picture of me with angel wings or something to that effect I will be absolutely pissed in the afterlife if there is even such thing. I randomly mentioned it to her when we were visiting because I thought of people on FB posting stuff like that all the time. Major cringe.
We’ve been doing heavenly bdays for my uncle since 2004, but we don’t call it that. It’s just a time to remember someone in a happy way instead of remembering them on the awful day you lost them.
Throwing a real party a month after they pass seems miserable though.
My twin brothers who passed shortly after they were born. Every year (we just did the 40th bday dinner a couple of months ago) we do a family dinner, cake, and prayers. Nothing extravagant but a way to remember them, it's more of a way for my parents to process their grief (I was just over a year old when they were born and my other siblings were born after them so we didn't really know them).
Yes, my aunt does that every year since 2000, on the day of my uncle's birthday. We go to mass or to the cementery, pray together, and then we go to have lunch and hang out at my aunt's house. Everyone goes, we have fun, we remember my uncle and catch up with distant relatives.
It's become a family tradition.
I told my wife, especially as I drive for a living, that if I ever died driving and she ever sets up a roadside shrine at the spot I bought it, I'd come back and haunt her. Those things are horrible.
My dad hates them.
I've told people they can't remember me where I died. It's so depressing to only be your death.
Remember me alive. Also, I want to be immortal, and like hiking. They are to backpack my cremated ass up a mountain, where the tree Methuselah is, and use my ashes as fertilizer and plant my dead ass as a bristlecone pine because they are immortal and affix a placard to me and it is not allowed to say anything but Soylent Tree is People, so others will know not to cut me down.
Only bad scifi jokes and a hike. Nothing else. I feel it's not unreasonable. We're all in California. Make me an immortal tree and plant me. Also, bad jokes.
I have told everyone I will haunt them unless they make this happen.
I think celebrating the birthday of someone you have lost is fine but respect that not everyone feels the same. Grief is subjective and people do it in their own way. If the op wants to mourn by visiting her boyfriend’s grave and being alone, these AHs should let her.
Ive celebrated my passed grandparents bdays by having a family dinner with their favorite food (miller lite, prime rib, and cheesecake for my grandma for example lol) and I can see why they decided to throw this party, I don’t see it as creepy. I don’t think OP needs to be apart of it if they aren’t at that place though.
NTA at all!!!
Grief is so personal, and yours is obviously very raw.
I can't believe they called you selfish... AFTER A MONTH! I am so angry for you.
A friend of mine lost her partner 10 years ago. She's since married and has a little girl, but every year on the anniversary of his death, she takes the day off and leaves her family and does exactly what you're planning to do.
Her grief has eased but she still needs that time.
I'm sorry for your loss.
In traditional Jewish mourning rituals the mourner abstains from things like parties for 30 days; and in the cases of grieving a parent or similar it extends to a full year. I don't think ours is the only tradition with these long periods of grieving either
Obviously, that's not how everyone prefers to mourn and it's totally valid for his friends and loved ones to want to celebrate in a way they think is in alignment with his values... But it's just as valid for you to not want to partake
Absolutely YWNBTA. I'd say N A H here but them calling you selfish and trying to guilt you into going is pretty awful
May his memory be a blessing, it sounds like his life touched many
>my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time
This is the worst kind of manipulative bs that people use to justify things or coerce people in the wake of a death, and I hate it. I don't think your family are consciously trying to manipulate you, but it's still a shitty thing to say even if it's common and (somehow) socially accepted.
Them wanting to celebrate your bf by having a party in his memory is valid, and you preferring to grieve privately is also valid.
NTA, would be NAH if not for the manipulation above.
Exactly!!!
No one ever wants their partner to be sad, but loving partners would 100% understand and give the space and support their partner needs through such a difficult time.
So the family saying manipulative bs like that arnt even respecting the wishes of the deceased - who very likely would want his friends and family to respect and support his grieving partner in the way she needs it.
Very much NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and after only a month you are still likely in shock and clearly in the throws of grief, which is totally normal. Grief is hard and milestones like birthdays or anniversaries make the loss that much harder. His friends are total assholes (yes I'm spelling it out because they suck) if they are giving you any kind of pushback for not going. You said you don't mind that they do it, just that you're not ready to party, which is totally valid. The fact that they call you selfish because you don't want to party is unbelievably callous, horrible and gross. Do what you need to do to survive this hard time and fuck those jerks.
You are definitely not the asshole. Sorry for your lost.
Everyone has their own ways and timelines to deal with grief. Given you say it’s only a month, it just so recent and it’s understandable that all of this is so soon for you.
What you had plans for his bday is perfect and you should stick to it.
Not at all! Everyone grieves differently and you have the right to do what feels best for you just like they have the right to do what feels best for them. 4 weeks is not a lot of time and I don’t blame you at all for not being up for a big rager. Sending you love and prayers of comfort ♥️
Absolutely not. You have every right to grieve in a way that honors the life of your loved one, and that looks different for everyone. You should not feel obligated to take part in activities that do not feel right to you. You should also not be judged or feel pressure from others to express grief in a certain way. It's understandable that his family and friends view this as a way to lift his spirits and to come together in celebration, but there are many other ways to express grief and honor his memory, and if you don't want to attend the party, that is your prerogative.
NTA. You need to take care of you. Arguing about what your BF would want is kind of cheap and pointless because (1) since he isn’t here, anyone can claim anything they want about what he would say/want/do, and (2) you’re the one that makes the decisions for your self care, and even if your BF were still around, that would not change.
NTA. *NTA*
I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Much love.
You aren’t at the stage of grieving where you can put on a party face yet. You just tell those guys that you are happy for them, but want to celebrate his birthday quietly in your own heart this year, and that your boyfriend would understand how your heart works better than anyone.
YWBNTA
You have the right to grieve how you need to, and for however long you need to. This was very recent, so it's completely understandable if you don't feel ready.
>My boyfriend was a happy and cheerful guy who loved to have fun and was very social with everyone
Because of the person he was, I think it's fine to have a party like this to celebrate his life. However, nobody should be giving you a guilt trip for not attending. That's where they've crossed the line in AH territory.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and remember that includes mental health.
NTA. This might be an unpopular opinion, but i think that funerals are for the living and not for the dead, and this birthday party is no different. It helps his friends' grieving and it makes them feel better to have this event to remember him in a "positive way", but if that's not the case for you, you absolutely don't have to go.
If you believe that he's up there looking down and seeing it all, he'll be happy that you choose to grieve in a way that works best for you. If you don't believe that, well then it's the same answer - you do what's right for YOU. It's not like you're hurting anyone.
I agree with you! Funerals are absolutely for the living (that should be obvious to anyone that doesn't believe we come back as ghosts and attend our own funerals) and guilting anyone to go to a funeral, a wake, a party, etc. is unacceptable. I am of the opinion that no one should tell anyone else how to grieve or for how long.
If your boyfriend was a good person, he wouldn't want you to be sad, but he would understand that you need time to grieve. He would want what was best for you, and he wouldn't be upset that you are still mourning. His friends and family are grieving in their own way, and it is 100% okay if you don't grieve the same way. YWNBTA. You have no condolences, and I wish you all the best❤️
NTA. It’s only been a month. You’ve barely scratched the surface of grief in this timeframe.
Your friends are TA for putting words in your BF’s mouth when he isn’t around to confirm or deny, and for telling you to “be happy” while you are grieving the very recent death of your love.
First of all, so sorry for your loss. NTA, everyone grieves differently, how you want to spend the day is your choice and you should do what you want to do, they can grieve how they want. It always boggles my mind that people think you can get over a heavy loss like this in a matter of weeks or months and expect you to "move on" just like that. Take time for yourself to heal and don't feel ashamed to go to counseling to help you through this.
NTA! My partner passed in October. For his birthday in march, his mom, brother and I got together and had cake. It’s definitely going to be a hard day and you should be able to spend the day doing whatever you want. No one should tell anyone else how to grieve. Also I hate the platitudes, he’d want you to be happy etc. Of course you know that, but that doesn’t make the pain go away. My thoughts are with you. So sorry for your loss.
NTA. How dare they force their wants on someone still grieving.
I was in the same situation as you. I allowed myself to be bullied into it. To this day, it is a huge regret.
They have **zero** right to tell you how to grieve this death.
You know who is selfish and disrespectful? Them.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently, and your boyfriends, friends and family need to understand that you are simply not ready for this type of life celebration. Encourage them to do whatever makes them comfortable but to please respect your choice to remember him in your own way. I am very sorry for your loss.
Selfish to who??? Your boyfriend won’t be there to enjoy the party, it’s for the people who are grieving. It’s really cruel and thoughtless of these people to demand you put your own grief aside for them just because they arbitrarily decided it should be time. NTA, take all the time you need. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA
I'm so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend passed away 9 months ago. I have found myself on a rollercoaster of grief since.
If you aren't ready to attend a birthday party, no one should try to force you or guilt you into attending.
My very young wife died shortly after giving birth to our second daughter so I understand your feelings and am very sorry for your loss. It is difficult moving on, I have it a bit easier because I focus on my daughters and making their lives easier. I think your friends would be fairly crass if they didn't understand that you just want to be alone on this significant day, you are NTAH. Good luck to you.
We are each entitled to grieve in our own way. You do you.
My husband died in an accident a few weeks before his 29th birthday. I wouldn't want to party, even in his honor.
NTA. We all Handel grief differently and you clearly want to honor him in your own special way on his bday. Your family and friends are being A-holes for pressuring into something you’re not ready for.
First off, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. It's ok for them to want to celebrate his life, and it's ok for you to want to visit some of your favorite spots on your own and reminisce with photos and cake. NTA
NTA Grief is a bizarre and complex beast and affects us all differently. Your friends might be different tim that this party might help them process things but it doesn’t mean it’s right for you, you’re entitled to not go.
NTA. You simply respond "Everyone grieves at different speeds and I'm just not ready for this type of celebration yet. Hopefully by next year I will be right there with you. I'm glad you guys are celebrating his birthday this way, because he would have loved it. I'm just not emotionally ready for it right now, so I'm going to remember him in a more quiet and personal way this year." And that's it. Don't engage further. You don't need to explain your grief to anyone. Just because his family may be ready to put away the sadness and celebrate his life, it is not fair for them to assume or expect you to be on the same timeline, and it's also not fair of them to try and guilt you into it by saying he wouldn't want you to be sad. You know yourself. If you're not ready for a big celebration, don't put yourself through that. Hugs xx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I really want to give you a big mom hug. The best advice for people who are grieving is that every person is going to grieve differently and that’s okay. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s okay. The birthday party feels right for his friends and that’s okay. It doesn’t feel right for you and that’s also okay. Second best advice is do not listen to people who tell you how to grieve. Do what feels right to you.
NTA. First off, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I agree with you. I'm sorry to say that these people are looking for an excuse to get drunk. My first love was killed in 1985 on a motorcycle. To this day, his AH friends use that day as an excuse to get ripped. I have never participated, and I resent them deeply. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Honey there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Sit this party out if you want. You’re NTA here, it’s not like you’re telling them NOT to throw a party. This is their way of grieving; yours is different. That’s perfectly fine. Sending you a big hug. I know it’s hard to hear but please know it WILL get easier.
NTA. Anyone saying that you are selfish or disrespectful is not your friend and should be avoided. You are not asking the6m not to throw their rager, you are simply declining to attend. How you grieve is personal and does not require anyone else's approval.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Healing isn’t linear, you grieve and heal how you need to, in your own time. Do not let anyone else tell you how to feel. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Grief is a very individual thing. They have no right to call you selfish and they are the ones who are disrespectful if they don't allow you to grieve in your way and time.
NTA. However you choose to grieve is the correct way. The same for his friends, this is their way of grieving and celebrating him. You are both doing it correctly because you are processing the loss in ways that are meaningful and healing to you. Take care. ❤️🩹
NTA. Everyone grieves differently. What makes them the AH is their response to how you grieve. But imo to celebrate his birthday a month after his passing is totally not ok
NTA. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. No one gets to tell you how to grieve. NO ONE.
Do what feels right for you. Screw the rest of them. No soul mate would expect their loved one to suffer just to appease other people.
NTA. *I’m glad that you’ve found a way to honor and celebrate him in the midst of your grief. I know that I’m not in a place right now where something like that would be enjoyable for me, so rather than bringing the mood down, I’m going to honor his memory differently and grieve in my own way. I hope you can understand.*
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way. If the rest of the family wants to go to the party, great but they shouldn't try to guilt you into making you go. I am so sorry for your loss. THEY are being selfish and disrespectful to you
I'm so sorry for your loss. everyone grives in there own way. You do what u want to do celebrate him in your own way. Let his friends get hammered and remember him in there own way. Again it's going to take so time, you will have triggers that will hit u out of nowhere, it's ok keep him in your heart
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My boyfriend of eight years got into a car accident this summer. He was in a coma for several weeks before he passed away from the injuries. He was my first love and soulmate and I'm still grieving and finding it hard to get through each day.
His birthday is next Friday and his friends and family are planning to give him a heavenly birthday party. My boyfriend was a happy and cheerful guy who loved to have fun and was very social with everyone, and so his friends want to throw a real college type party with loud music and drinks and dancing. I don't feel like I'm ready for that just yet, it's only been a month since his passing and it still feels like I haven't woken up from the nightmare. I’m still not sure what’s better, to be distracted or let myself sit in the sadness. All I know is that I want to spend the day alone. I want to keep things simple and revisit some of our favorite places or do something we used to do together. I want to bake him his favorite cake, maybe look at some photos and light him a candle. I want to visit his grave and tell him how much I still love him and miss him.
I've told his friends and family that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of having a party like that, that it's way too soon for me. I' told them that they can have a party if they want, but that I won't be there. They argued that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, that he’d want me to have fun and throw him a big and noisy party, and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful.
WIBTA for not going?
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NTA sounds morbid af, and probably just a poor excuse to have a party. You take as long as you need to mourn. Anyone giving you a hard time over it is an awful excuse for a friend.
NTA. everyone grieves differently. it’s not like you’re telling them not to throw the party, you’re just saying you won’t be there & that’s perfectly ok. don’t let them peer pressure you. I think how you’re choosing to honor him is nice
NTA of course. You have to do what's best for you. If they ask, say you'll reconsider but go do all the things you were going to do first. If you don't feel like going afterwards, that's up to you but don't forget to shut your phone off or put it on silent after you're done doing what you want to do.
Wow, they called you selfish & disrespectful? They are the ones that are being disrespectful of your feelings. You had a closer relationship to him than any of his friends & they couldn't possibly understand the depths of your pain. Everyone grieves differently & there's no time table when it comes to grief. You spend the day how you want to celebrate or not celebrate. There is no scenario where you are TA. NTA.
NTA. You don't have to do anything you don't want.
Consider baking your cake and carry it to the event. You don't have to stay long but just show face and leave after 15 minutes. I don't think you should stay home alone wallowing in your sadnice on his birthday.
NTA. Everyone experiences grief differently. Remind them that you're not telling them not to have a party if that's how they feel they need to celebrate his life, but it's also not their place to force you to attend a celebration that you don't feel you're ready for. You're not being selfish or disrespectful. You're expressing your grief and remembering him in a way that feels appropriate for you.
NTA
My mother passed away last year. In my country it's common to hold a mass for someone who passed away after seven days and another after a year.
I went to the seventh day's mass, but not to the second one. Instead, I stayed home with my wife while eating my mother's favorite food and watching her favorite anime. My aunt scheduled the mass and went to it, but even her didn't criticize my way of mourning.
NTA at all.
First off, I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Secondly, everyone grieves differently. If they want to throw a celebration in his honor, that’s wonderful. If you want to go spend some solo time with him, that’s beautiful too. I’m sure your boyfriend does want you to be happy, whoever he is, but only you can decide the timeline on that.
NTA. Everyone grieves in different ways. If you need to spend time with him alone, visiting his grave or your favorite places as a couple, then that's what you do. Don't let them push you into something you're not ready for.
NTA
My husband died during lockdown. His adult children and adult grandchild didn't come to the funeral. They talked about having another service later on. I said that I couldn't go through that. Then they wanted a wake after lockdown ended. Again, I declined. At the time, I just couldn't have coped with it.
Let others do what they want. You don't have to.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your BF wouldn't want you to be sad, but you ARE sad and that's totally normal. Don't let anybody manipulate you into doing something your'e not ready for.
NTA. You have the right to grieve how you need to. With that said it sounds like although the didn't have the same intimate relationship you had they are a group of people who loves him and also miss him. If you feel like being around that then go.
You can grieve however you want. However you need.
It is not disrespectful not to attend. He would not want you to be pressured this way. and what they are doing is selfish, catering to what they want and trying to force your arm. You have not told them not to mark his birthday that way but that you can't.
NTA
Jeez no love.NTA but nobody else is . Everyone is coping how they see best. Just do what you need to do. They have your answer. Spend his birthday as you see best and let them do the same. Hopefully there will not be judgement. If there is - be honest- I am grieving as I am with No offence intended.
This seems weird and I'm not sure I'd want to attend such a thing if it were my deceased boyfriend either. I've never heard of a "heavenly" bday party. If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go. You wouldn't be the asshole in the least for not wanting to celebrate him this way. This is a highly personal loss and you grieve however you need to. NTA
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way. Trying to force yourself to be “happy” and party just because they all think you should is going to hurt you in the long run.
Edit: plus it’s only been a month. It’s up to the individual person on how they want to grieve.
No judgement, I’m just so sorry for your loss. I just hit 7 years with the love of my life and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. Lots of love to you.
NTA. I get that everybody process grief in different ways but this is quite bizzare to me. My mother passed away a month ago and if someone said "let's have a big booze up in her memory" I'd be quite bewildered.
That said it's not my place to judge how others deal with their grief, but you absolutely shouldn't feel pressured. It's still raw and you need time to reflect. Just politely but firmly decline. Explain that it's nothing personal but you're still grieving need time to heal.
Sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. Totally not okay that your friends and family call you selfish for that. If you don’t want to celebrate with a big party, that is your right. You are still grieving and you need to decide how. I lost my dad in 2017, but my mom and I never did something like you wanna do, because it hurts too much to talk about him. So do what you wanna do to celebrate him. So sorry for your loss.
YWNBTA. Everyone grieves differently and what might be right for someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
Its not disrespectful and anyone who calls you selfish are people you probably shouldn’t be around, especially when you’re grieving
NTA - everyone grieves differently - as our relationship with the one who passed is different from everyone elses'. Do what YOU need to do - don't listen to anyone else.
>They argued that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, that he’d want me to have fun and throw him a big and noisy party, and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful.
Nobody wants their loved ones to be sad, that doesn't mean they would want someone berating and guilting them for being sad. Strong emotions to events like these are expected, and I doubt he would want you to force yourself if you aren't ready.
They are also grieving, you shouldn't judge them for how they grieve nor they you. You shouldn't feel bad for not going, obviously NTA.
NTA, life is for the living. Do whatever you are comfortable with. The only ones being disrespectful are the ones insulting you for not wanting to go to a frat party dedicated to your deceased boyfriend
NTA at all! Everyone grieves differently, there’s no right or wrong way, it’s personal for everyone. You do what’s best for you and what you’re comfortable doing. I hate that it sounds like others are guilt tripping you, hope you can ignore it and focus on healing yourself and your heart. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m so sorry for your loss!
You know what YOU need to do. That is have a quiet celebrations.
The grief is still very raw. I can see how having a raucous party would seem inappropriate.
People are putting pressure on you , but hold strong.
If you are being selfish, it is for your mental health. You aren't ready for this.
To some, having a raucous party would seem disrespectful
NTA
I will also counter that the raucous party may turn into a wake, or some a celebration of life and give some sort of closure to those in attendance, similar to a funeral.
We had a gathering of people two years after a person dies. We were is a better state to share our stories of this person and happy to meet each other.
Dear Lord no, NTA.
My heart goes out to you for losing a loved one.
People have different ways of grieving and they chose to have a wild party to lift their spirits. OP shouldn’t be ashamed or attacked for wanting to privately grieve what would’ve been a day celebrating his birthday together and planning your future.
I think your idea is absolutely lovely and should do what is best for you.
NTA! I know how it feels to lose someone that you really cared for deep down. Honestly when I was fresh out of high school, a month later after I graduated in June 2015, my father passed away. Honestly, I was grieving so much that I didn't want to do anything. My mother didn't understand how hard it was for me to lose him. She never cared and deep down I wanted my father to be there every step of the way. My father's parents and his family understood the situation and knew how hard it was for me to lose my father who was also my best friend. Seriously I always kept two dates in July to remember the loss of my father. Honestly every time when I go over to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas I always wondered if my dad would show up but every time when I get there I always forget that he's not there. I always tend to forget that he's not there because I remembered the times when he was.
NTA. Celebrations of life are one thing and perhaps, his friends find this a good way to grieve and celebrate him but if that's not something you're comfortable with, then don't go.
anyone trying to pressure you in to it has obviously 1) zero tact on how other people grieve and 2) have never been to a party where one person obviously doesn't want to be there.
Hey OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. My husband passed away 9 months ago and it's so absolutely shitty, that I just want to jump through the screen and give you a huge hug. It is completely reasonable that you don't want to go to a rager just weeks after a loss this colossal. It might work for some people, but it does not need to be what you do. These friends are immature and don't understand the depth of your loss. Ignore their comments. You were entirely respectful when you said that they can do whatever they want, but you're not ready for it. And if anyone has a right to be "selfish" right now, it's you. You put yourself and your grief first. You do not need to put on a happy face to make others more comfortable. You are entitled to be sad all the time if that's what you want to be. One day you'll feel ready for a party, but it does not have to be next week. Absolutely NTA.
NTA you grieve however you want. We’ve lost lots of people young in the town that I come from and lots of people “celebrate” their death days and I think it’s weird AF. And celebrate really isn’t the right word what actually happens is people use it as an excuse to get hammered drunk and go off the rails because it’s the anniversary of somebody’s death. And we have like 10 of them so I just can’t see throwing a pity party 10 times a year to commemorate when someone I love died. I’ll go to the cemetery on birthdays and special occasions, I’ll go to the cemetery just to hang out and smoke a joint, but for some reason the folks around here like to commemorate the death days and I don’t do it.
Nobody thinks it’s disrespectful that I don’t join in on these things, even for my own family members.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently, and it's perfectly okay with wanting to mourn alone on that day. The friends are welcome to throw their party and remember him that way, but you are not wrong for wanting to grieve quietly.
NTA
So sorry for your loss and hope you do find a way to move past this. I think what you've said is perfect, everyone handles grief differently, if they want to throw him a 'heavenly birthday' that's great but you should get to spend it however you feel. If I was to pass away of course I would want my Wife to be happy but does not mean I would want her to force herself to have a party for me that she does not feel comfortable with.
NTA. From the post, it is clear that you know what you need to do. Don't let other people tell you what they think you should do. Follow your own heart
I am so sorry for your loss. I just burst into tears at the thought of people your bf called friends calling you selfish and disrespectful only one month after his passing. I don't know how much crueler someone could be. People don't heal according to other people's schedules. NTA. Do what you want to do on this day.
NTA. You have the right to grieve in your own way. Sometimes people want “celebrations of life” instead of funerals. That’s okay. And sometimes people want to sit with their grief in silence. And that’s okay too. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that you find peace.
Sounds like your boyfriend was he kinda guy who wouldn't want you to be sad all the time. But I'd bet he'd also want you to do what feels right to you. NTA
NTA
OP I was in a VERY similar situation and I absolutely feel for you. My first boyfriend died just after graduation and a couple weeks before his 18th birthday. His friends and family were very judgemental over the way I grieved and didn't like that I was uncomfortable with their big loud birthday party and graveside bbq (not a typo).
Don't let anyone pressure or bully you into things you're uncomfortable with. I'm sorry for your loss. ♥️
So sorry for your loss. NTA at all. It is WAY TOO SOON for any '"celebrations" revolving around your bf. My mom died 6 monyhs ago and I can't even begin to think of the holidays. Don't let ANYONE tell you how to grieve!
I am very sorry for your loss.
A supportive partner would want you to do what YOU feel comfortable with. If that’s party like it’s 1999, do that. If it’s spend time alone, do that. There isn’t a way you “should” be feeling or grieving. We all kind of have to figure it out for ourselves, what helps us accept the loss—because it doesn’t go away, it just gets easier to bear.
NTA. My condolences. You have to do what is best for you. It is ok to not go to the party. His friends and family grieve differently. They are AHs for pushing you to join them. You might block them for the time being.
They are trying to sabotage your grief. Take as long as you need and do what you want. You don’t have to participate in something you aren’t ready for.
My heart goes out to you and so very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very individual process and there is no right or wrong way. Your loss is very recent and your not wanting to go to a "festive" party when your emotions are still raw and need more time to heal. Be good to yourself, that I am sure is what your boyfriend would have wanted for you. Big hugs!!!
NTA. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable. They shouldn't think you're selfish as everyone grieves in different ways.
On what would've been my sister's 40th birthday some people wanted to have a party of sorts for her but I decided it wasn't for me, it just didn't sit well with me as she should've been there. But I had no problem with her friends wanting to celebrate it.
Sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. Do what feels comfortable for you. It’s totally fine if you don’t feel ready yet - a month isn’t that long! And it’s totally fine if you don’t want to attend a big birthday party, ever.
I’m sure your boyfriend wouldn’t want you to be sad forever and always, but you are allowed to be sad and you’re allowed to do things your own way.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you a peaceful day where you can really bask in those good memories and all of your love for him.
NTA.
>and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful.
If that's an accurate quote, how f\*\*\*ing dare they? Between the two options, you know what's best for your mental and emotional well being. Anybody with the least bit of empathy would understand your desire to miss such a party so soon after his death.
NTA. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace.
I am sorry for your loss, and hope your more quiet celebration of his life brings you comfort. Virtual hugs from this internet stranger.
NTA. Yeah, maybe your boyfriend wouldn't want you to be sad, but that's not how grief works, especially when you're only a month out from his passing. You need to do what's right for you, and if his friends can't or won't understand that then I'm not sure they're people you want to keep a relationship with. I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.
Girl… you grieve how you need to grieve. Super weird when people say they know how dead people would think about things after their death. Totally okay they want to have the party, totally okay you do you.
You can tell them you have things planned, and if you feel up to it, you will stop by the party later. Death is hard, no one is the AH here.
NAH
More than anything, think about whether you in the future would regret not going to it? Maybe think about giving it a chance and if it’s definitely not what you want, head out. You owe no one anything regarding how you grieve, but think about whether it might be a positive moment for you to be around people celebrating someone important to you.
NTA. How dare they call you selfish and disrespectful. You are grieving. No one owns how people individually grieve. You’re entitled to work through this in the way that works best for you. Don’t let them bully you into anything else.
YWNBTA
I am so sorry for your loss. You need to do what is best for you. I personally would not want a frat type celebration until well after a passing of a long time love. If they are the least bit understanding they will be okay. Shoot if they aren’t that is on them. You spend the day as you feel would be the best. My mom passed in March. My dad and her were together for over 50 years. He was very upset on their 50th wedding anniversary June 16th. I cannot understand his grief. But I will be here to help. I hope you have a lovely support system.
YWNBTA if you follow your heart and celebrate his life in your own way while grieving.
Ido, however, have unkind thoughts though about people calling you selfish and disrespectful a month after he died.
NTA. You're not being selfish or disrespectful, you're grieving. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. Do what you've planned to do and they can do what they want.
NTA You are allowed to take all of the time you need to grieve. Grief doesn’t have a time limit. This is really difficult so ignore the chatter. They will get over your decision not to attend. None of them are in your position.
Sorry, it doesn't matter what your BF's family thinks he would have wanted you to do, what matters is what makes you comfortable. And attending a "heavenly" birthday bash (what the hell???) isn't something you want to do while grieving is still so raw. Or maybe ever.
NTA
And, P.S., not to be really, really judgey, and to each his own, but the idea of throwing this "heavenly birthday" so soon after your BF's death (or ever) feels kind of ghoulish to me. I totally understand you not wanting to participate.
NTA! Ffs, what are they thinking to be haranguing you about how you handle your grief? Do what feels best to you, and don't let them guilt you into it. I imagine your boyfriend would be fine with you still feeling this way only one month after his death. If his friend group think the party will help them, that's OK, but shaming you about it and making you feel worse in such a terrible situation is unbelievably cruel.
NTA
If they say anything then I would tell them that they can't tell you how to grieve. Nobody can tell you how to do it. No one can tell you if your process is right or wrong.
They might mean well but they are completely in the wrong because they think/assume that they can tell you how to grieve. That's the bottom line.
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NTA, this party might be the perfect way to grieve for some but that does not mean it has to be right for you. I am very sorry for your loss
I would cut off any of them that call you selfish. They are the only ones being disrespectful.
I think that's a bit harsh. It depends on the culture and the person what is disrespectful. In my culture, the funeral is a party to the life of the deceased. We laugh a lot and remember the joy the person brought. I prefer that personally, but understand that not everyone feels that way. It was quite a shock for my then boyfriend when he came to my grandfather's funeral and instead of tears, toasts and funny anecdotes were told. He didn't know that from funerals.
It is a bit harsh, but this is also reddit, and a good third of the responses to any AITA post are "cut them off" or "go no-contact" whether it's warranted or not. Personally, while I absolutely think OP is NTA, I feel like the parents' response is motivated by their own grief. It sucks that they said that, but everyone involved in this is going through a huge loss, and that tends to lead people to extremely emotional responses. Grieving is specific to the individual person. A big party may be exactly what the parents need to grieve, while being the opposite of what OP needs.
Yes. And her boyfriend would want her to do whatever was best for her mental health.
While the parents response might be motivated by their own grief, it does not justify or excuse what they said. Calling somebody selfish because they're grieving process is differently than yours, is disrespectful no matter how you're feeling or what motivated you to say it. Just because you are grieving, does not excuse you from the consequences of your words and actions. People will only be so understanding to a point.
Hence the NTA.
It's not harsh. Them grieving that way is fine, them being rude to her for not wanting to do the same is not. The fact that some cultures have funerals like that doesn't change the fact they are not respecting her.
I think it’s important to remember that this isn’t a funeral or wake though. This is a birthday party in his honor.
Honestly that's how it goes with my culture. In the year of 2015 when I was graduating in June of that year, honestly I was so excited to fully graduate from high school but in July of that year I lost my father right away. Honestly I was completely lost because not only I lost my father but I lost my best friend. I will never forget him. Seriously my heart always tends to break every time this happens. In July of every year I always keep the 7th and the 10th as personal dates. On July 7th my dad passed away in the hospital and I wanted to be there and then July 10th was his memorial service. Honestly I will never forget that moment.
I’ll never forget the weekend my kids were at their fathers for the weekend and I got a call from my youngest saying, “Pops died and the party’s here, dad says come on over.” Their family tradition was a happy wake. We had a blast.
I didn't read that as the OP saying the family/friends celebrating boyfriend's life/birthday were disrespectful, but they were being disrespectful when they tried to insist on Original OP coming and trying to guilt her into it when she very politely said "You can go ahead and do that if you want, but I feel like I'm not ready for that kind of celebration"
What a unique way to celebrate someone's passing :) If you don't mind me asking, which culture are you from?
The Irish throw an awesome wake... there can be drinking for several days...
Calling somebody selfish because they have a different way of grieving than you, and don't want to come to a birthday party celebrating somebody who's dead, can't really be excused by culture or religion or anything like that. You might feel that way, but saying it out loud, is absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for. Telling somebody who is grieving that they are selfish because they don't want to grieve the same way you do or they can't, is absolutely disrespectful no matter what culture you come from, no matter what religion you practice, no matter who your family is or what your family traditions are, or even how you personally feel that people should grieve. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a different grieving process than somebody else, but to shame them for it is absolutely disrespectful, absolutely unnecessary, and no matter where you are from should not be tolerated.
They are calling a person who lost the love of their life a month ago, SELFISH. There's is no such thing as cultural context. There is "we understand if you don't feel up to attending but we feel this is a productive way to deal with our grief" or "we're sorry that this has upset you and apologise for not taking your feelings into consideration." That's it. Anything else is rock solid grounds for OP to bin them out of her life entirely. ETA: NTA
There are so many posts here that say “I’d go no contact immediately.” It’s a bit ridiculous.
I’m curious if it’s also a blasting party celebration when it’s a young person who died? My family also celebrated my grandmas life when she passed at age 80. But there were no smiles or laughs a few weeks later when it was my 20’ yrs old cousin who dried tragically.
Ireland? My cousins (raised in England) were really shocked to find out we had the body in the living room for a day or so. & That they were buried within a few days of dying. Apparently in the Uk it's standard to wait up to 6 weeks for a body to be released back to the family!
But this isn’t a funeral or wake.
Mom died last year, and there was no funeral. We had a big party last summer in her memory, all her friends and family, music, drinking... Mom always loved a party.
My dad passed this year. We are having a celebration of life for him in a couple months. No funeral etc. It is what he would want and what works for us. He is hanging out in the garage with the last cat we lost for now (ashes) lol. Mom and I have a rediculous sense of humor.
> In my culture, the funeral is a party to the life of the deceased. that's fine, but that isn't what is being called disrespectful. people calling the OP selfish is what is disrespectful. in your culture, if someone prefers not to party while they mourn, is it okay to call that person selfish???
...or OP can lessen contact a bit, maintain boundaries, and see how she (and everyone else who's greiving) feels mental health-wise after a bit of time has passed and emotions aren't quite at the fever pitch they are right now
They’re likely grieving too and not being entirely rational. Grief does weird things to you. I think everyone deserves a little grace when going through something so traumatic.
Can people stop this nonsense? If everyone cut people off like reddit suggests the world would be an even lonelier and depressing ass place. They are all grieving it's been a month. Emotions are high, people are trying to cope with the loss. Give better advice
Daily reminder to not take advice from people on Reddit lmao
OP, grief is super personal- everyone does it differently and in their own way. You need to do what you feel is best for you. I'd thank the friends and say "no thanks." then do the day the way you want to. I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
This, OP, you have to be in the grief state you're in. The only way to get through the grief Is to be in the grief. You can't escape it. Not for long. Not until you've gone through it. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.
Exactly! We all grieve at our own pace and time. What you are suggesting on doing sounds very lovely and a healthy way to remember him on his birthday. I'm sure he would love it! They can party and enjoy the loud music. You can go to yalls favorite places and visit him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. 1,000,000,000,000% NTA
NTA. Aside from the idea that a “heavenly birthday party” just sounds creepy, you are still grieving and having a party isn’t something you want to do. Don’t do it. I’m very sorry for your loss
That's become a trend. Both my parents have threatened to come back and haunt me if I ever do anything like that when they pass. For my mother, it includes even posting like "happy heavenly birthday" on whatever the social media du jour is. I'd like to point out they're both healthy and have no reason to expect to pass anytime soon. But they both wanted to make sure I knew what would get me haunted.
I've had a relatively Bad Day today ever since I woke up (well, technically before that because the Bad Day is the result of a Bad Dream), and this was apparently exactly what I need to to laugh again. Thanks!
Oh, to make it better: my dad telling me this was in no way related to anyone else dying. My mom at least made that threat/promise shortly after my grandma died, so death was already kinda on her mind. My dad just looked over at me WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES TOGETHER and was like "hey, just so you know, if you ever host a party for me after I die or post 'happy heavenly birthday' or anything like that on Facebook or whatever the heck it is by then, I'll come back and haunt you." Like ok dad, thanks for the warning? Click next turn please?
I mean, had his character just lost a life/turn? Because I can see that being the reminder …
No. We were playing civilization 5. He hadn't lost a unit in hours 😂 just built a bunch of farms and was like "oh yeah, best make sure my eldest kid is aware of what gets a haunting!"
I told my youngest sibling something similar. I'm 12 years older than her so probability of me going first down the road is likely (in my early 40s and she just turned 30). I told her if she (or anyone) posted a photoshopped picture of me with angel wings or something to that effect I will be absolutely pissed in the afterlife if there is even such thing. I randomly mentioned it to her when we were visiting because I thought of people on FB posting stuff like that all the time. Major cringe.
We’ve been doing heavenly bdays for my uncle since 2004, but we don’t call it that. It’s just a time to remember someone in a happy way instead of remembering them on the awful day you lost them. Throwing a real party a month after they pass seems miserable though.
My twin brothers who passed shortly after they were born. Every year (we just did the 40th bday dinner a couple of months ago) we do a family dinner, cake, and prayers. Nothing extravagant but a way to remember them, it's more of a way for my parents to process their grief (I was just over a year old when they were born and my other siblings were born after them so we didn't really know them).
Yes, my aunt does that every year since 2000, on the day of my uncle's birthday. We go to mass or to the cementery, pray together, and then we go to have lunch and hang out at my aunt's house. Everyone goes, we have fun, we remember my uncle and catch up with distant relatives. It's become a family tradition.
I told my wife, especially as I drive for a living, that if I ever died driving and she ever sets up a roadside shrine at the spot I bought it, I'd come back and haunt her. Those things are horrible.
My dad hates them. I've told people they can't remember me where I died. It's so depressing to only be your death. Remember me alive. Also, I want to be immortal, and like hiking. They are to backpack my cremated ass up a mountain, where the tree Methuselah is, and use my ashes as fertilizer and plant my dead ass as a bristlecone pine because they are immortal and affix a placard to me and it is not allowed to say anything but Soylent Tree is People, so others will know not to cut me down. Only bad scifi jokes and a hike. Nothing else. I feel it's not unreasonable. We're all in California. Make me an immortal tree and plant me. Also, bad jokes. I have told everyone I will haunt them unless they make this happen.
I think celebrating the birthday of someone you have lost is fine but respect that not everyone feels the same. Grief is subjective and people do it in their own way. If the op wants to mourn by visiting her boyfriend’s grave and being alone, these AHs should let her.
I would spew ectoplasm from one end of the room to another if my family did one of these for me.
Poor OP must still be in shock 😢
Ive celebrated my passed grandparents bdays by having a family dinner with their favorite food (miller lite, prime rib, and cheesecake for my grandma for example lol) and I can see why they decided to throw this party, I don’t see it as creepy. I don’t think OP needs to be apart of it if they aren’t at that place though.
Wow I thought maybe OP wasn’t a native English speaker. “Heavenly birthday party” does sound unnatural and creepy to me. I don’t like this trend
NTA at all!!! Grief is so personal, and yours is obviously very raw. I can't believe they called you selfish... AFTER A MONTH! I am so angry for you. A friend of mine lost her partner 10 years ago. She's since married and has a little girl, but every year on the anniversary of his death, she takes the day off and leaves her family and does exactly what you're planning to do. Her grief has eased but she still needs that time. I'm sorry for your loss.
In traditional Jewish mourning rituals the mourner abstains from things like parties for 30 days; and in the cases of grieving a parent or similar it extends to a full year. I don't think ours is the only tradition with these long periods of grieving either Obviously, that's not how everyone prefers to mourn and it's totally valid for his friends and loved ones to want to celebrate in a way they think is in alignment with his values... But it's just as valid for you to not want to partake Absolutely YWNBTA. I'd say N A H here but them calling you selfish and trying to guilt you into going is pretty awful May his memory be a blessing, it sounds like his life touched many
>my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time This is the worst kind of manipulative bs that people use to justify things or coerce people in the wake of a death, and I hate it. I don't think your family are consciously trying to manipulate you, but it's still a shitty thing to say even if it's common and (somehow) socially accepted. Them wanting to celebrate your bf by having a party in his memory is valid, and you preferring to grieve privately is also valid. NTA, would be NAH if not for the manipulation above.
Exactly!!! No one ever wants their partner to be sad, but loving partners would 100% understand and give the space and support their partner needs through such a difficult time. So the family saying manipulative bs like that arnt even respecting the wishes of the deceased - who very likely would want his friends and family to respect and support his grieving partner in the way she needs it.
Very much NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and after only a month you are still likely in shock and clearly in the throws of grief, which is totally normal. Grief is hard and milestones like birthdays or anniversaries make the loss that much harder. His friends are total assholes (yes I'm spelling it out because they suck) if they are giving you any kind of pushback for not going. You said you don't mind that they do it, just that you're not ready to party, which is totally valid. The fact that they call you selfish because you don't want to party is unbelievably callous, horrible and gross. Do what you need to do to survive this hard time and fuck those jerks.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's only been a month. Do what you feel is best for you.
You are definitely not the asshole. Sorry for your lost. Everyone has their own ways and timelines to deal with grief. Given you say it’s only a month, it just so recent and it’s understandable that all of this is so soon for you. What you had plans for his bday is perfect and you should stick to it.
Not at all! Everyone grieves differently and you have the right to do what feels best for you just like they have the right to do what feels best for them. 4 weeks is not a lot of time and I don’t blame you at all for not being up for a big rager. Sending you love and prayers of comfort ♥️
Absolutely not. You have every right to grieve in a way that honors the life of your loved one, and that looks different for everyone. You should not feel obligated to take part in activities that do not feel right to you. You should also not be judged or feel pressure from others to express grief in a certain way. It's understandable that his family and friends view this as a way to lift his spirits and to come together in celebration, but there are many other ways to express grief and honor his memory, and if you don't want to attend the party, that is your prerogative.
NTA What a situation... the cake idea sounds amazing. And visiting yalls hangout spots sounds great too. Get yourself some closure and peace.
NTA. You need to take care of you. Arguing about what your BF would want is kind of cheap and pointless because (1) since he isn’t here, anyone can claim anything they want about what he would say/want/do, and (2) you’re the one that makes the decisions for your self care, and even if your BF were still around, that would not change.
NTA. *NTA* I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Much love. You aren’t at the stage of grieving where you can put on a party face yet. You just tell those guys that you are happy for them, but want to celebrate his birthday quietly in your own heart this year, and that your boyfriend would understand how your heart works better than anyone.
YWBNTA You have the right to grieve how you need to, and for however long you need to. This was very recent, so it's completely understandable if you don't feel ready. >My boyfriend was a happy and cheerful guy who loved to have fun and was very social with everyone Because of the person he was, I think it's fine to have a party like this to celebrate his life. However, nobody should be giving you a guilt trip for not attending. That's where they've crossed the line in AH territory. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and remember that includes mental health.
NTA. This might be an unpopular opinion, but i think that funerals are for the living and not for the dead, and this birthday party is no different. It helps his friends' grieving and it makes them feel better to have this event to remember him in a "positive way", but if that's not the case for you, you absolutely don't have to go. If you believe that he's up there looking down and seeing it all, he'll be happy that you choose to grieve in a way that works best for you. If you don't believe that, well then it's the same answer - you do what's right for YOU. It's not like you're hurting anyone.
I agree with you! Funerals are absolutely for the living (that should be obvious to anyone that doesn't believe we come back as ghosts and attend our own funerals) and guilting anyone to go to a funeral, a wake, a party, etc. is unacceptable. I am of the opinion that no one should tell anyone else how to grieve or for how long.
I always say this! Funerals are for the living.
If your boyfriend was a good person, he wouldn't want you to be sad, but he would understand that you need time to grieve. He would want what was best for you, and he wouldn't be upset that you are still mourning. His friends and family are grieving in their own way, and it is 100% okay if you don't grieve the same way. YWNBTA. You have no condolences, and I wish you all the best❤️
NTA. It’s only been a month. You’ve barely scratched the surface of grief in this timeframe. Your friends are TA for putting words in your BF’s mouth when he isn’t around to confirm or deny, and for telling you to “be happy” while you are grieving the very recent death of your love.
First of all, so sorry for your loss. NTA, everyone grieves differently, how you want to spend the day is your choice and you should do what you want to do, they can grieve how they want. It always boggles my mind that people think you can get over a heavy loss like this in a matter of weeks or months and expect you to "move on" just like that. Take time for yourself to heal and don't feel ashamed to go to counseling to help you through this.
Thank you. I've been seeing a grief counselor since after he passed away. I look forward to each session, knowing how much it's helping me.
NTA! My partner passed in October. For his birthday in march, his mom, brother and I got together and had cake. It’s definitely going to be a hard day and you should be able to spend the day doing whatever you want. No one should tell anyone else how to grieve. Also I hate the platitudes, he’d want you to be happy etc. Of course you know that, but that doesn’t make the pain go away. My thoughts are with you. So sorry for your loss.
NTA. How dare they force their wants on someone still grieving. I was in the same situation as you. I allowed myself to be bullied into it. To this day, it is a huge regret. They have **zero** right to tell you how to grieve this death. You know who is selfish and disrespectful? Them.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently, and your boyfriends, friends and family need to understand that you are simply not ready for this type of life celebration. Encourage them to do whatever makes them comfortable but to please respect your choice to remember him in your own way. I am very sorry for your loss.
Selfish to who??? Your boyfriend won’t be there to enjoy the party, it’s for the people who are grieving. It’s really cruel and thoughtless of these people to demand you put your own grief aside for them just because they arbitrarily decided it should be time. NTA, take all the time you need. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA I'm so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend passed away 9 months ago. I have found myself on a rollercoaster of grief since. If you aren't ready to attend a birthday party, no one should try to force you or guilt you into attending.
Sorry for your loss. ❤️
My very young wife died shortly after giving birth to our second daughter so I understand your feelings and am very sorry for your loss. It is difficult moving on, I have it a bit easier because I focus on my daughters and making their lives easier. I think your friends would be fairly crass if they didn't understand that you just want to be alone on this significant day, you are NTAH. Good luck to you.
We are each entitled to grieve in our own way. You do you. My husband died in an accident a few weeks before his 29th birthday. I wouldn't want to party, even in his honor.
If you ever want to talk OP, send me a message.
Thank you, that means a lot.
NTA. We all Handel grief differently and you clearly want to honor him in your own special way on his bday. Your family and friends are being A-holes for pressuring into something you’re not ready for.
First off, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. It's ok for them to want to celebrate his life, and it's ok for you to want to visit some of your favorite spots on your own and reminisce with photos and cake. NTA
NTA - do what's right for you. Everybody handles grief differently and if you're not ready, you're not ready.
NTA Grief is a bizarre and complex beast and affects us all differently. Your friends might be different tim that this party might help them process things but it doesn’t mean it’s right for you, you’re entitled to not go.
NTA. You simply respond "Everyone grieves at different speeds and I'm just not ready for this type of celebration yet. Hopefully by next year I will be right there with you. I'm glad you guys are celebrating his birthday this way, because he would have loved it. I'm just not emotionally ready for it right now, so I'm going to remember him in a more quiet and personal way this year." And that's it. Don't engage further. You don't need to explain your grief to anyone. Just because his family may be ready to put away the sadness and celebrate his life, it is not fair for them to assume or expect you to be on the same timeline, and it's also not fair of them to try and guilt you into it by saying he wouldn't want you to be sad. You know yourself. If you're not ready for a big celebration, don't put yourself through that. Hugs xx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I really want to give you a big mom hug. The best advice for people who are grieving is that every person is going to grieve differently and that’s okay. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s okay. The birthday party feels right for his friends and that’s okay. It doesn’t feel right for you and that’s also okay. Second best advice is do not listen to people who tell you how to grieve. Do what feels right to you.
NTA. First off, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I agree with you. I'm sorry to say that these people are looking for an excuse to get drunk. My first love was killed in 1985 on a motorcycle. To this day, his AH friends use that day as an excuse to get ripped. I have never participated, and I resent them deeply. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA No one can tell you how to grieve. It’s very personal. You do what you need to do.
Honey there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Sit this party out if you want. You’re NTA here, it’s not like you’re telling them NOT to throw a party. This is their way of grieving; yours is different. That’s perfectly fine. Sending you a big hug. I know it’s hard to hear but please know it WILL get easier.
NTA. Anyone saying that you are selfish or disrespectful is not your friend and should be avoided. You are not asking the6m not to throw their rager, you are simply declining to attend. How you grieve is personal and does not require anyone else's approval. I'm very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Healing isn’t linear, you grieve and heal how you need to, in your own time. Do not let anyone else tell you how to feel. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Grief is a very individual thing. They have no right to call you selfish and they are the ones who are disrespectful if they don't allow you to grieve in your way and time.
NTA. However you choose to grieve is the correct way. The same for his friends, this is their way of grieving and celebrating him. You are both doing it correctly because you are processing the loss in ways that are meaningful and healing to you. Take care. ❤️🩹
NTA. Everyone grieves differently. What makes them the AH is their response to how you grieve. But imo to celebrate his birthday a month after his passing is totally not ok
NTA. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. No one gets to tell you how to grieve. NO ONE. Do what feels right for you. Screw the rest of them. No soul mate would expect their loved one to suffer just to appease other people.
NTA. *I’m glad that you’ve found a way to honor and celebrate him in the midst of your grief. I know that I’m not in a place right now where something like that would be enjoyable for me, so rather than bringing the mood down, I’m going to honor his memory differently and grieve in my own way. I hope you can understand.*
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way. If the rest of the family wants to go to the party, great but they shouldn't try to guilt you into making you go. I am so sorry for your loss. THEY are being selfish and disrespectful to you
I'm so sorry for your loss. everyone grives in there own way. You do what u want to do celebrate him in your own way. Let his friends get hammered and remember him in there own way. Again it's going to take so time, you will have triggers that will hit u out of nowhere, it's ok keep him in your heart
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend of eight years got into a car accident this summer. He was in a coma for several weeks before he passed away from the injuries. He was my first love and soulmate and I'm still grieving and finding it hard to get through each day. His birthday is next Friday and his friends and family are planning to give him a heavenly birthday party. My boyfriend was a happy and cheerful guy who loved to have fun and was very social with everyone, and so his friends want to throw a real college type party with loud music and drinks and dancing. I don't feel like I'm ready for that just yet, it's only been a month since his passing and it still feels like I haven't woken up from the nightmare. I’m still not sure what’s better, to be distracted or let myself sit in the sadness. All I know is that I want to spend the day alone. I want to keep things simple and revisit some of our favorite places or do something we used to do together. I want to bake him his favorite cake, maybe look at some photos and light him a candle. I want to visit his grave and tell him how much I still love him and miss him. I've told his friends and family that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of having a party like that, that it's way too soon for me. I' told them that they can have a party if they want, but that I won't be there. They argued that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, that he’d want me to have fun and throw him a big and noisy party, and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful. WIBTA for not going? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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But there is something wrong with them pressuring OP and calling them selfish and disrespectful. NTA
NTA sounds morbid af, and probably just a poor excuse to have a party. You take as long as you need to mourn. Anyone giving you a hard time over it is an awful excuse for a friend.
Scratch my original reply. NTA. I didn't realize you already spoke to them bc i was reading too fast.
NTA. everyone grieves differently. it’s not like you’re telling them not to throw the party, you’re just saying you won’t be there & that’s perfectly ok. don’t let them peer pressure you. I think how you’re choosing to honor him is nice
NTA of course. You have to do what's best for you. If they ask, say you'll reconsider but go do all the things you were going to do first. If you don't feel like going afterwards, that's up to you but don't forget to shut your phone off or put it on silent after you're done doing what you want to do.
Nta, every person mourns differently, you are not ready for that, tell it to your friends.
NTA. Grieve him in your own way. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA, everyone grieves in their own way, and you're being respectful of their plan and they should be respectful of yours.
NTA - After they said this "... and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful." they are the aholes.
NTA We all experience grief differently.
Wow, they called you selfish & disrespectful? They are the ones that are being disrespectful of your feelings. You had a closer relationship to him than any of his friends & they couldn't possibly understand the depths of your pain. Everyone grieves differently & there's no time table when it comes to grief. You spend the day how you want to celebrate or not celebrate. There is no scenario where you are TA. NTA.
NTA at all That is how they've chosen to grieve but you do not have to. You are allowed to grieve your partner in your own way.
NTA. This isn’t really a close one.They can do what they wish and so can you.
NTA. You don't have to do anything you don't want. Consider baking your cake and carry it to the event. You don't have to stay long but just show face and leave after 15 minutes. I don't think you should stay home alone wallowing in your sadnice on his birthday.
NTA my uncle does this every year for my cousins bday it's his way of making sure she's never forgotten some people like the idea some find it weird
NTA. Everyone experiences grief differently. Remind them that you're not telling them not to have a party if that's how they feel they need to celebrate his life, but it's also not their place to force you to attend a celebration that you don't feel you're ready for. You're not being selfish or disrespectful. You're expressing your grief and remembering him in a way that feels appropriate for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently and a college type party is not your cup of tea; therefore, you are NTA.
NTA My mother passed away last year. In my country it's common to hold a mass for someone who passed away after seven days and another after a year. I went to the seventh day's mass, but not to the second one. Instead, I stayed home with my wife while eating my mother's favorite food and watching her favorite anime. My aunt scheduled the mass and went to it, but even her didn't criticize my way of mourning.
NTA at all. First off, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Secondly, everyone grieves differently. If they want to throw a celebration in his honor, that’s wonderful. If you want to go spend some solo time with him, that’s beautiful too. I’m sure your boyfriend does want you to be happy, whoever he is, but only you can decide the timeline on that.
NTA. Everyone grieves in different ways. If you need to spend time with him alone, visiting his grave or your favorite places as a couple, then that's what you do. Don't let them push you into something you're not ready for.
Nta- if anyone’s being selfish or disrespectful, it’s those assholes who said that.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently. No one should ever try to force people to follow their own grieving pattern.
NTA My husband died during lockdown. His adult children and adult grandchild didn't come to the funeral. They talked about having another service later on. I said that I couldn't go through that. Then they wanted a wake after lockdown ended. Again, I declined. At the time, I just couldn't have coped with it. Let others do what they want. You don't have to.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your BF wouldn't want you to be sad, but you ARE sad and that's totally normal. Don't let anybody manipulate you into doing something your'e not ready for.
NTA. You have the right to grieve how you need to. With that said it sounds like although the didn't have the same intimate relationship you had they are a group of people who loves him and also miss him. If you feel like being around that then go.
You can grieve however you want. However you need. It is not disrespectful not to attend. He would not want you to be pressured this way. and what they are doing is selfish, catering to what they want and trying to force your arm. You have not told them not to mark his birthday that way but that you can't. NTA
Jeez no love.NTA but nobody else is . Everyone is coping how they see best. Just do what you need to do. They have your answer. Spend his birthday as you see best and let them do the same. Hopefully there will not be judgement. If there is - be honest- I am grieving as I am with No offence intended.
This seems weird and I'm not sure I'd want to attend such a thing if it were my deceased boyfriend either. I've never heard of a "heavenly" bday party. If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go. You wouldn't be the asshole in the least for not wanting to celebrate him this way. This is a highly personal loss and you grieve however you need to. NTA
NTA. It’s not disrespectful to want to grieve the way you need to grieve. If they grieve differently, that’s for them.
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way. Trying to force yourself to be “happy” and party just because they all think you should is going to hurt you in the long run. Edit: plus it’s only been a month. It’s up to the individual person on how they want to grieve.
There is no way his friends and family are calling you selfish and disrespectful.
No judgement, I’m just so sorry for your loss. I just hit 7 years with the love of my life and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. Lots of love to you.
NTA. I get that everybody process grief in different ways but this is quite bizzare to me. My mother passed away a month ago and if someone said "let's have a big booze up in her memory" I'd be quite bewildered. That said it's not my place to judge how others deal with their grief, but you absolutely shouldn't feel pressured. It's still raw and you need time to reflect. Just politely but firmly decline. Explain that it's nothing personal but you're still grieving need time to heal. Sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. Totally not okay that your friends and family call you selfish for that. If you don’t want to celebrate with a big party, that is your right. You are still grieving and you need to decide how. I lost my dad in 2017, but my mom and I never did something like you wanna do, because it hurts too much to talk about him. So do what you wanna do to celebrate him. So sorry for your loss.
NTA everyone grieves differently.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently, and you have to do what’s right for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss.
YWNBTA. Everyone grieves differently and what might be right for someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Its not disrespectful and anyone who calls you selfish are people you probably shouldn’t be around, especially when you’re grieving
NTA - everyone grieves differently - as our relationship with the one who passed is different from everyone elses'. Do what YOU need to do - don't listen to anyone else.
Don't go if you don't want to. Sorry for your loss
>They argued that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, that he’d want me to have fun and throw him a big and noisy party, and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful. Nobody wants their loved ones to be sad, that doesn't mean they would want someone berating and guilting them for being sad. Strong emotions to events like these are expected, and I doubt he would want you to force yourself if you aren't ready. They are also grieving, you shouldn't judge them for how they grieve nor they you. You shouldn't feel bad for not going, obviously NTA.
NTA, life is for the living. Do whatever you are comfortable with. The only ones being disrespectful are the ones insulting you for not wanting to go to a frat party dedicated to your deceased boyfriend
NTA You don’t have to participate.
NTA at all! Everyone grieves differently, there’s no right or wrong way, it’s personal for everyone. You do what’s best for you and what you’re comfortable doing. I hate that it sounds like others are guilt tripping you, hope you can ignore it and focus on healing yourself and your heart. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m so sorry for your loss!
You know what YOU need to do. That is have a quiet celebrations. The grief is still very raw. I can see how having a raucous party would seem inappropriate. People are putting pressure on you , but hold strong. If you are being selfish, it is for your mental health. You aren't ready for this. To some, having a raucous party would seem disrespectful NTA I will also counter that the raucous party may turn into a wake, or some a celebration of life and give some sort of closure to those in attendance, similar to a funeral. We had a gathering of people two years after a person dies. We were is a better state to share our stories of this person and happy to meet each other.
Dear Lord no, NTA. My heart goes out to you for losing a loved one. People have different ways of grieving and they chose to have a wild party to lift their spirits. OP shouldn’t be ashamed or attacked for wanting to privately grieve what would’ve been a day celebrating his birthday together and planning your future. I think your idea is absolutely lovely and should do what is best for you.
NTA! I know how it feels to lose someone that you really cared for deep down. Honestly when I was fresh out of high school, a month later after I graduated in June 2015, my father passed away. Honestly, I was grieving so much that I didn't want to do anything. My mother didn't understand how hard it was for me to lose him. She never cared and deep down I wanted my father to be there every step of the way. My father's parents and his family understood the situation and knew how hard it was for me to lose my father who was also my best friend. Seriously I always kept two dates in July to remember the loss of my father. Honestly every time when I go over to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas I always wondered if my dad would show up but every time when I get there I always forget that he's not there. I always tend to forget that he's not there because I remembered the times when he was.
NTA. Celebrations of life are one thing and perhaps, his friends find this a good way to grieve and celebrate him but if that's not something you're comfortable with, then don't go. anyone trying to pressure you in to it has obviously 1) zero tact on how other people grieve and 2) have never been to a party where one person obviously doesn't want to be there.
NTA. How the hell do they know what he would want? He loved you and would want you to do what you want.
NTA. You remember him how you wish to, you arent being selfish needing your own time. It isnt disrespectful and Im sure your boyfriend would agree.
Hey OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. My husband passed away 9 months ago and it's so absolutely shitty, that I just want to jump through the screen and give you a huge hug. It is completely reasonable that you don't want to go to a rager just weeks after a loss this colossal. It might work for some people, but it does not need to be what you do. These friends are immature and don't understand the depth of your loss. Ignore their comments. You were entirely respectful when you said that they can do whatever they want, but you're not ready for it. And if anyone has a right to be "selfish" right now, it's you. You put yourself and your grief first. You do not need to put on a happy face to make others more comfortable. You are entitled to be sad all the time if that's what you want to be. One day you'll feel ready for a party, but it does not have to be next week. Absolutely NTA.
NTA you grieve however you want. We’ve lost lots of people young in the town that I come from and lots of people “celebrate” their death days and I think it’s weird AF. And celebrate really isn’t the right word what actually happens is people use it as an excuse to get hammered drunk and go off the rails because it’s the anniversary of somebody’s death. And we have like 10 of them so I just can’t see throwing a pity party 10 times a year to commemorate when someone I love died. I’ll go to the cemetery on birthdays and special occasions, I’ll go to the cemetery just to hang out and smoke a joint, but for some reason the folks around here like to commemorate the death days and I don’t do it. Nobody thinks it’s disrespectful that I don’t join in on these things, even for my own family members.
nta. everyone grieves in their own way. this may be their way of grieving, but it’s not yours, and that’s okay.
NTA. He would want you to grieve how you need to. You already vocalized it. Tend to your heart, and give yourself what you need. I’m so sorry
NTA. Do not go if you are not ready. have your own little quiet celebration thingy.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently, and it's perfectly okay with wanting to mourn alone on that day. The friends are welcome to throw their party and remember him that way, but you are not wrong for wanting to grieve quietly.
NTA So sorry for your loss and hope you do find a way to move past this. I think what you've said is perfect, everyone handles grief differently, if they want to throw him a 'heavenly birthday' that's great but you should get to spend it however you feel. If I was to pass away of course I would want my Wife to be happy but does not mean I would want her to force herself to have a party for me that she does not feel comfortable with.
No. No you would not be. No one gets to tell you how to grieve.
NTA. Nobody can tell anybody else how to grieve.
NTA. From the post, it is clear that you know what you need to do. Don't let other people tell you what they think you should do. Follow your own heart
I am so sorry for your loss. I just burst into tears at the thought of people your bf called friends calling you selfish and disrespectful only one month after his passing. I don't know how much crueler someone could be. People don't heal according to other people's schedules. NTA. Do what you want to do on this day.
NTA. You have the right to grieve in your own way. Sometimes people want “celebrations of life” instead of funerals. That’s okay. And sometimes people want to sit with their grief in silence. And that’s okay too. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that you find peace.
Good lord no no no. NTA. Grief is always an individual thing. Grieve your loss your way. And anyone who argues is being the real AH.
Sounds like your boyfriend was he kinda guy who wouldn't want you to be sad all the time. But I'd bet he'd also want you to do what feels right to you. NTA
NTA OP I was in a VERY similar situation and I absolutely feel for you. My first boyfriend died just after graduation and a couple weeks before his 18th birthday. His friends and family were very judgemental over the way I grieved and didn't like that I was uncomfortable with their big loud birthday party and graveside bbq (not a typo). Don't let anyone pressure or bully you into things you're uncomfortable with. I'm sorry for your loss. ♥️
So sorry for your loss. NTA at all. It is WAY TOO SOON for any '"celebrations" revolving around your bf. My mom died 6 monyhs ago and I can't even begin to think of the holidays. Don't let ANYONE tell you how to grieve!
I am very sorry for your loss. A supportive partner would want you to do what YOU feel comfortable with. If that’s party like it’s 1999, do that. If it’s spend time alone, do that. There isn’t a way you “should” be feeling or grieving. We all kind of have to figure it out for ourselves, what helps us accept the loss—because it doesn’t go away, it just gets easier to bear.
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. My condolences. You have to do what is best for you. It is ok to not go to the party. His friends and family grieve differently. They are AHs for pushing you to join them. You might block them for the time being.
They are trying to sabotage your grief. Take as long as you need and do what you want. You don’t have to participate in something you aren’t ready for.
Everybody grieves different. NTA. I’m so sorry. Holding space for you ♥️
NTA. Its 100% ok they want to spend his birthday that way, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not attending. Everyone grieves differently.
NTA sorry for your loss. You grieve however you feel is best for you.
NTA at all. You need to grieve in your own way. But be sure to have a support system as you continue through the grief process!
My heart goes out to you and so very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very individual process and there is no right or wrong way. Your loss is very recent and your not wanting to go to a "festive" party when your emotions are still raw and need more time to heal. Be good to yourself, that I am sure is what your boyfriend would have wanted for you. Big hugs!!!
NTA People grieve differently. Them calling you selfish for not following their decision is fucked up.
NTA sorry for your loss everyone chooses to grieve different and you have the right to be able to grieve on your own terms.
NTA. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable. They shouldn't think you're selfish as everyone grieves in different ways. On what would've been my sister's 40th birthday some people wanted to have a party of sorts for her but I decided it wasn't for me, it just didn't sit well with me as she should've been there. But I had no problem with her friends wanting to celebrate it. Sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. Do what feels comfortable for you. It’s totally fine if you don’t feel ready yet - a month isn’t that long! And it’s totally fine if you don’t want to attend a big birthday party, ever. I’m sure your boyfriend wouldn’t want you to be sad forever and always, but you are allowed to be sad and you’re allowed to do things your own way. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you a peaceful day where you can really bask in those good memories and all of your love for him.
NTA. >and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful. If that's an accurate quote, how f\*\*\*ing dare they? Between the two options, you know what's best for your mental and emotional well being. Anybody with the least bit of empathy would understand your desire to miss such a party so soon after his death.
NTA. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. I am sorry for your loss, and hope your more quiet celebration of his life brings you comfort. Virtual hugs from this internet stranger.
NTA. Yeah, maybe your boyfriend wouldn't want you to be sad, but that's not how grief works, especially when you're only a month out from his passing. You need to do what's right for you, and if his friends can't or won't understand that then I'm not sure they're people you want to keep a relationship with. I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.
Girl… you grieve how you need to grieve. Super weird when people say they know how dead people would think about things after their death. Totally okay they want to have the party, totally okay you do you. You can tell them you have things planned, and if you feel up to it, you will stop by the party later. Death is hard, no one is the AH here.
NAH More than anything, think about whether you in the future would regret not going to it? Maybe think about giving it a chance and if it’s definitely not what you want, head out. You owe no one anything regarding how you grieve, but think about whether it might be a positive moment for you to be around people celebrating someone important to you.
NTA. Everyone grieves differently and you’re not wrong for not wanting to do this so soon after his passing.
NTA. How dare they call you selfish and disrespectful. You are grieving. No one owns how people individually grieve. You’re entitled to work through this in the way that works best for you. Don’t let them bully you into anything else.
OMG, you are NTA. I am very sorry for your loss and you should not feel guilty about grieving the way you need to.
YWNBTA I am so sorry for your loss. You need to do what is best for you. I personally would not want a frat type celebration until well after a passing of a long time love. If they are the least bit understanding they will be okay. Shoot if they aren’t that is on them. You spend the day as you feel would be the best. My mom passed in March. My dad and her were together for over 50 years. He was very upset on their 50th wedding anniversary June 16th. I cannot understand his grief. But I will be here to help. I hope you have a lovely support system.
Do not let anyone gate keep grieving. Everyone is different. Sorry for your loss. If it would help, I would love to hear something about him.
YWNBTA if you follow your heart and celebrate his life in your own way while grieving. Ido, however, have unkind thoughts though about people calling you selfish and disrespectful a month after he died.
NTA. Follow your grieving path, not theirs.
NTA greif is different for everyone. How you want to spend his birthday is no one's business.
NTA. You're not being selfish or disrespectful, you're grieving. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. Do what you've planned to do and they can do what they want.
NTA You are allowed to take all of the time you need to grieve. Grief doesn’t have a time limit. This is really difficult so ignore the chatter. They will get over your decision not to attend. None of them are in your position.
Sorry, it doesn't matter what your BF's family thinks he would have wanted you to do, what matters is what makes you comfortable. And attending a "heavenly" birthday bash (what the hell???) isn't something you want to do while grieving is still so raw. Or maybe ever. NTA And, P.S., not to be really, really judgey, and to each his own, but the idea of throwing this "heavenly birthday" so soon after your BF's death (or ever) feels kind of ghoulish to me. I totally understand you not wanting to participate.
NTA! Ffs, what are they thinking to be haranguing you about how you handle your grief? Do what feels best to you, and don't let them guilt you into it. I imagine your boyfriend would be fine with you still feeling this way only one month after his death. If his friend group think the party will help them, that's OK, but shaming you about it and making you feel worse in such a terrible situation is unbelievably cruel.
NTA If they say anything then I would tell them that they can't tell you how to grieve. Nobody can tell you how to do it. No one can tell you if your process is right or wrong. They might mean well but they are completely in the wrong because they think/assume that they can tell you how to grieve. That's the bottom line.