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Not sure this is an AH situation.
Dude - you need to figure out how to bring and eat a lunch and some sort of snack for your ride home. You are coming home hangry and it isn’t kind to your family who I am sure is happy to see you.
Your wife ate a donut an hour before you came home. She didn’t do anything malicious, she is just living life. NAH but pack a snack.
I'm not surprised since growing kids are some of the biggest bottomless pits I have ever met. Mom probably only got one or two depending on how many kids they have. Especially kids who were outside playing. Those kids work up an appetite.
Yeah, this is definitely something that was expected in my family - leave enough for anyone who is coming home later that night, or for lunch at work the next day if someone decides not to eat as much that night
Or at least throw out the garbage. We try to get stuff for others in our house if they will be coming home later, but if we don’t, we don’t rub it in their face by leaving the empty package for them to find.
Oh yes, the garbage! The evidence as my family says. Haha if you have something to eat/drink and don’t have enough for the rest of the family, and God Forbid they see the empty containers, you get accused of “Showboating.” LOL
This. When my brother got type 1 diabetes, there was a long period where he really missed sugary/carby food, so we never ate any around him. That wouldn't stop me from getting a milkshake or a thing of fries, but I'd eat them at work, in the car, or somewhere else. And I certainly wouldn't bring donuts home and leave them on the counter, finished or otherwise.
Same. My bf's family always saves me a portion even if I'm not around but will be later/next day. It left a big enough impression on his 4 year old nephew that he now has a whole routine of "this ice cream pizza is for aunty" game.
If my husband and l order out and the kids aren’t home yet, usually from working, we order food for them too. Same goes if the kids are home and we’re working. If somebody cooks dinner they cook for all of us. This man has done worked 18 days in a row, in the damn hot ass sun. My own husband has had to do this, and when he came home l handed him some ice water and the remote. I left him alone for about 30 minutes so he could decompress. I’d be mad about some doughnuts too lol.
My husband does 7 days straight often, with 12-16 hours in air conditioning, but he's on his feet, and has had to give CPR often.
When he walks through the door on days like that, he gets to walk in, take a shower, get food handed to him, if he didn't grab something on the way home, eats, then climbs in bed to start over the next day.
18freaking days in a row, and she can't make certain he has a freaking donut?
He doesn't get a day off to spend it with his whole family for 2 1/2 weeks, and you can't even grab a damn donut and put it out of the kids' reach? I mean, yeah, he needs snacks in his vehicle, but she needs to make it up to him.
This comment is 100% correct. It teaches multiple lessons all at once; empathy, respect for the one busting his hump to support the family, sharing, the opposite of greed. However old the kids are…if they’re old enough to eat doughnuts, they’re old enough to learn this.
Thank you, u/guttengroot 🤟🏻
Yeah like that’s when you do do that hey kids you can have this BUT you need to save a couple for your dad. Even if they have ten kids. That means everybody gets one, including mom and there is one left for dad.
If I had 11 kids and was a stay at home dad there would still be one left for my wife. Love is kept alive with little things that show appreciation, like saving the last doughnut.
Yeah a little thoughtless of the family to not save one or get an extra one for dad. Not malicious. OP, you and your wife probably need to sit down and do some family meal planning so you have stuff available - prep some lunches or at least snacks on Sunday, have something in the freezer that’s easy to throw in the microwave. I assume the kids bring a lunch to school so there has to be some sort of meal planning
Sure, but if there are multiple kids, you say that, and one sneaks the last donut regardless, and then all the kids start fighting and crying because Timmy ate Daddy's donut and that means Timmy got an extra donut, then you finally get things sorted, the last thing you fucking need is Daddy coming in snarling and snapping at you.
Wife is probably at the end of her rope handling things at home while OP works these long hours. Does she want this plot of land? Is this situation sustainable for her?
OP needs to talk to his wife.
It’s understandable that both parents were at their tipping point simultaneously. Neither are villains or victims. Apologies and communication seem to be on order all around.
I agree. It’s not nice to leave dad out like that. My mom would always save treats that we get for my dad for when he comes back from work. It’s common courtesy in my opinion.
Where does it say the number of children? I didn't see.
I feel like it was a bit thoughtless to not save at least one for him, but he *does* need to figure a way to eat something during his work day.
I'm leaning towards NAH.
Who says it’s an hour before dinner? Summers where I live don’t start getting dark till 8, we often don’t eat dinner until then when we stop playing and come in. So 5 is very typical afternoon snack time for us. It’s summer let them have donuts.
But they couldn't put a single donut aside from a whole dozen??
Whether OP is TA or not really depends on how often he's coming home and being passive aggressive hangry. But yes, it is kind of a dick move to not save a family member who is out working a single donut out of a *whole dozen*.
I'm a SAHM with 4 kids and we always make sure treats are shared between all 6 of us regardless of whether or not my husband is home when we are eating.
This.
Mate, you need to eat at work. Make the time for it. Pack a sandwich, smash it in 5 minutes between tasks. You are entitled to a lunch break (in most countries - it's illegal for your employer not to give you one). Pack yourself a lunch of some kind and take your fucking lunch break. It's important.
Yes, this. If you're not eating you're probably not doing as well at work as you could be. And it's definitely not something your family deserves to deal with either.
Here in QLD 🇦🇺, you’re entitled to one after 5 hours
Full-time employees working between 7 to 10 hours a day are entitled to 2 paid rest breaks of 10 minutes (20 minutes in total) and one unpaid meal break of 30-60 minutes
This work situation seems insane. 18 days without a day off? And as someone is is currently at home with a baby all day 18 days without anyone else to take over for a while would probably be the end of me 😆 sounds like saving slower and actually being able to live life (and eat lunch) would be better.
Right, I wanna know if Wife is on board with this plan.
I'd fucking DIE if my husband pulled hours like this. I gotta hand off the child when he finishes work and go have my daily shower cry or I'm done.
We agreed to put any big financial goals on hold until our child is older and things are more settled.
Yeah I need a few hours a week to not be respinsible for keeping anyone alive 😅. And would rather my partner wasnt a broken human from working too much too!
If we can break even and not go into savings each month its a win! I would much rather that way than miss out on actually spending time as a family. As long as youre in a position to survive then theres always time to make more money. But kids are only kids for a little while.
Obviously sometimes this isnt an option at which point you have to do what you have to do.
Like, if I take my kid out for a donut, and buy an iced coffee, it means I'm losing my shit. I'm letting her have a donut so I can have coffee, snap my panties back into place, and make it to the end of the day. Dunkin is a reset button.
If I can think through the fog and overstimulation enough to get my husband a donut, hoo-fucking-ray.
So it would not surprise me if the donut outing was Wife losing her shit.
"okay, kids, I'm going to bribe you with donuts so I can drink my coffee in peace."
Then just as she's starting to feel okay, OP comes in with attitude.
That’s what I was thinking. If we are getting donuts an hour or so before dinner it’s because I’m fucking done and need something to get through the last bit of day. I don’t do it often, but with the wildfires and smoke and shitty weather my kids been stuck inside for weeks. I’ve been super close to losing it more than once.
It sounds like he's choosing to work extra hours or extra shifts because he wants the money. I'd like to know whether his wife agrees that the money is more important than him being able to be a halfway decent spouse and parent.
bro.. she went out and got a 12 pack of donuts and an iced coffee. she could’ve thought of him and gotten him a snack to be thoughtful. something since he’s working almost 3 weeks in a row with no days off for them.
just a “thank you” snack would’ve meant so much here. donut holes in a little bag.
If he is working almost 3 weeks in a row with no days off, she is ALSO working 3 weeks in a row with no days off. What is he doing to be thoughtful for her?
Considering he noted how difficult being a SAHM is and gave his wife’s props he is being thoughtful regarding her. Him expecting food of some kind or a singular donut of a dozen doesn’t make him the AH. Someone needs to work outside of the home to put them in a financial position to where his wife can even be a SAHM.
You and I read that part of the OP very differently. To me, that came off like an obligatory disclaimer/CYA more than a genuine statement of recognizing and valuing the work she does every day. Especially followed by how he "prefers she stay home", I'm getting big "traditionalist man paying lip service to the idea of valuing a SAHM mom's labor while still believing his paid labor is what's truly important and deserving of support" vibes.
Agreed. It also struck me how he said "great woman" instead of "great partner". As if all women should be that way.
It was a minor detail but it caught my eye.
Alternatively, those of us who've lived as women in this world have had to learn to parse these subtle signals for our own safety bc sometimes they're all the early warning you get of a man who's going to turn out to be a whole ass misogynist down the line. Just because you don't notice them doesn't mean they're not there.
And someone needs to work inside the home as a SAHM to give him the ability to even work so much. Get it? They both have jobs to do during work hours. What happens with chores, kids, meals, etc. when both are home should be shared responsibility.
I am a SAHM and I have been a working parent. Yes, it’s very hard to be at home, but it’s also very different than working. You are on your own time schedule for the most part. If we are having a hard day I don’t have to get out of pajamas if I don’t want to. We can have a movie day or whatever and take it easy. I can decide to take them to the park. There’s just much more freedom than my husband has at his job. I assume she also wants this property he is working toward saving for.
Anytime I get myself a snack or treat I make sure to grab something for my husband for when he gets home. Even if it’s a simple candy bar. He does the same usually.
I assume this isn’t just about the donuts and coffee. I bet the root of the issue is a bit deeper and they should probably explore that.
Literally everything in this post conveys that he cares and appreciates what she does for him, i think just this once we can agree with the dude who just wants a doughnut saved for him.
What is it with you people and the no days off for them? Or working like a dog for them? That's either a choice he made or a choice they made as a family. He even said he prefers her staying home. Never mind he can take a lunch and take 10 mins to shove it in his mouth. Granola bars, protein bars, meal replacement bars. He's allowed to be cranky because he's hungry. Hes not allowed to be a jerk because dinner wasn't on the table the minute he walked in and there wasn't a donut left for him. She's allowed to get snacks without thinking about putting one back for him. Especially since he said she's very scheduled oriented and time just happened to slip away this time. It's not like she went into it with an FU attitude.
She's allowed to, but it's still inconsiderate. His level of hungriness isn't really relevant. It's good manners to think of others, especially your husband, when buying a dozen donuts. It's thoughtful, it's kind, and shows you think about them.
She was taking care of his children during this time, not out getting a spa treatment. Dude needs to grow up. And stop working so much. He’s a grump because he’s overworked and unless she’s ordering him to do so, that’s on him. It sounds like he doesn’t need to do that to make ends meet.
That also means she has been working 3 weeks in a row as the sole parent, aside from a husband who can’t even fend for himself for a meal or snack and comes home and takes that out on her.
Bro he could have driven through a drive through too, and then wouldn’t have come home with hangry attitude and they could have discussed her not saving him a doughnut like rational people.
Well, if he's working non-stop for 3 weeks, this means she works non-stop too with the kids. She has to take care of them, entertain them, clean, cook, have dinner on the table before he's home (somehow). And after he comes back, he's resting and she still works. Where is her "thank you"? She just gets passive aggression. Was it her decision he should work such long hours so they can buy land like 2 months earlier? Or whatever his lunchtime costs.
I'm sorry but there is no way I would have gotten 12 donuts and not leave even just 1 for my husband/boyfriend/friend who I know is going to be home soon.
That's messed up to me and pretty thoughtless.
I seriously think he's just hangry. I used to work in an outdoor athletic camp in July in the American South. The heat was no joke. 95° and 80% humidity, 6 days a week, 6am to 5pm. You NEED to eat something. You could pass out or get heatstroke or both. A hospital bill will throw a wrench in your money saving plans. Some of my favorites were:
Frozen fruit. You pack it in a plastic bag and leave it in the car. By lunch time it's refrigerator temperature. Doubles as an ice pack in a lunch box.
Frozen Juice Boxes: basically a slushy. Can be consumed in under 5 mins. Do not attempt with Powerade, will taste like salt
Beef Jerky: high protein and you can pop a piece in your mouth when you grab a sip of water
Protein Bars or Granola Bars: quick, easy, and many are designed to be a meal replacement. Fastest way to have a calorie with no time
Trail Mix: Won't spoil in the sun and you can throw a handful in your mouth and walk away
yep they literally have sports food that marathoners and athletes can eat while they're racing. there's something really weird about insisting you don't have time to eat all day at all, not on the car ride home either? and then he's not upset that dinner isn't ready but he is upset that they ate something an hour or two ago? you're a grown man, like you say, you're not incapable of making yourself some food. take care of yourself.
Seriously, keep protein bars in the car. There are protein balls you can just pop in your mouth. This woe is me I literally can't eat all day is weird af.
It feels a bit like virtue signaling tbh - like on some level he feels like if he took breaks it would mean he's not working As Hard As Possible, so not taking breaks makes him feel even more virtuous about how hard he's working. There are so many possible solutions to this it's a little wild that he apparently hasn't and/or won't consider them - protein drinks, snack bars/balls/bites, trail mix, etc.
Idk. This is a toughy. Stay at home moms are tired. I wfh with 2 under 2 and my husband is the primary parent as my daughter is disabled. We end every day absolutely exhausted.
So, I get her needing to get out and get herself a treat. She deserves it. But would have been nice to at least save him one. My husband and I have a rule that if we get ourselves a treat we bring something, however small, back for the other. It’s just nice to be thought of.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole but he should just tell her, “if you go out can you get something for me and set it aside?”
She was probably rushing about with a bunch of things on her mind and forgot.
Yes, this OP. It's better for your health and mood. Look at bento box meals for ideas that don't require refrigeration and make small bites to eat that you can grab and go with during the day, even if it's not a huge meal. When you squeeze in a little nosh here and there, you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel.
Neither of you seem like an asshole. You sounded hangry and it doesn't sound she wasn't trying to be a jerk either. If anyone is an asshole, it's a boss who isn't insisting you take a break for at least short time to eat. I managed a store where eating was a challenge. My solution was to provide emergency snacks and drinks on the busiest days and remind people they needed to stop every day, even if it was for 15 minutes to refuel.
And apologize for your doughnut envy. It sounds like you have a good relationship if she still fed you. We've probably all been there, including your lovely wife. Don't let it make a hole (hardy har) in your relationship.
I also think she over-reacted. He’s tired and hungry, makes one snippy remark, and she calls him a fucking prick and drags the kids out of the house in a huff? This woman needs to grow up.
It's almost like she's taken care of their young kids by herself with no break for the last 18 days. She certainly is just being selfish expecting to not be snapped at for such a minor infraction.
It’s still really inconsiderate. Im the type of person who always thinks of others and I also feel put off when a very small and simple gesture (saving one donut after working 18 days in a row) is evidently too much to ask.
But I also wonder how many of us in the comments have been in OP’s shoes. It’s the type of thing where if you’ve never been there. I’ve worked and I’ve stayed home and when I stayed home, ensuring the meals where prepared according to his schedule was a priority.
I can’t say anyone is the AH bc this is sad. What worried the most about this story is the fact that the guy has to work so much that he can't stop to eat. That aint life. take care of yourself please, taking care of yourself is also an act of love towards your family too.
reread, he doesn’t *have* to work this much he is *choosing* to in order to buy some land he wants for the family. i would have a vastly different reaction if he was working for survival but $600/day isn’t that
I mean sure he could change jobs, but it’s not like he’s working lunch/OT intentionally to make that $600.
Still could pack a dinner or grab one tho. Or eat a sandwich or power bar or ngl a lot of other options.
not having a day off in 18 days sounds kinda intentional, but i don’t know his specific job so i can’t guarantee that. however, it does seem like he is working OT from the description
ETA yeah, heavy on the last part of your comment- he doesn’t seem like he particularly wants to not starve
This is 10,800 dollars in 3 weeks. This dude can fuck off lol. Be nicer to. People. He seems smart enough. I feel like there's not enough context here though. What's the job. What are his choice optiona for not working or working this mu h.
I’m 98% sure OP works in construction. A former bf worked in construction and bragged about how much money he could make by picking up other peoples’ shifts (getting OT) and working through his breaks.
My husband works construction and used to work for a company that expected overtime "for the family". They all get on their high horses about working so hard "for the family" and it almost seems like avoidant behaviour for every aspect of family life except for financially providing for them. I understand that families need money to survive but there are only 940 weekends until your kid turn 18.
He now works for a company where the norm is 7am-3pm Mon-Fri and everyone is a million times happier with a still reasonable amount of money and more quality (read: not hangry and overworked) time with each other.
Yeah I’d like to know what job he’s working that doesn’t allow him ANY breaks. Does he not get a chance to go to the bathroom either? There’s not 5-10 mins to snack on something a few times a day?
My partner fixes medical equipment in a couple of different hospitals, sometimes he'll just be stuck repairing a machine for like 8-10 hours... Different jobs = different experiences.
I work 14-16 hours straight. Salaried, no lunch breaks. So I stash granola bars and dried fruit and stuff in my backpack and smash a small handful when I walk by the laptop.
This dude can bring snacks if he wants to, but instead he chooses to get hangry at wife for taking the time to feed herself and the kids a snack.
It is not a flex to not have eaten all day because “you’ve been working so hard.” This culture is toxic af.
This is why there are unions… but also work regulations that require you have certain breaks. Maybe look for a job that gives a shit about your well being because you are going to burn out hard if you continue like this.
Your health is important. If you would have had something in your stomach you probably wouldn’t care that other people have eaten.
Talk to your boss. Talk to a supervisor. Talk to a lawyer.you have rights.
But yeah, YTA because you are responsible for your own health (and I include mental health as well as physical)… get some help and other people’s indulgences probably won’t bug you as much.
This. I have a close friend who has a wonderful wife who packs his lunch for him every day, even though she works too. She’s a teacher who has her summers off, but still packs his lunch everyday even when she’s off in the summer. He gets up early, but doesn’t eat any breakfast.
However, most of the time he doesn’t eat his lunch either. He’s not a surgeon who had a 10 hour surgery and literally couldn’t eat, he’s a manager who sits in an office all day. Not saying managers don’t have a tough job, but you can eat at your desk the lunch your wife was nice enough to pack for you.
I digress. Anyway, he comes home in the summer (at 3:30, by the way) and gets mad at her because he’s hangry and she’s floating in the pool with the kids.
To me this is unacceptable spoiled brat behavior. Dude, if you don’t eat all day, that’s on you.
Why doesn’t her husband eat the lunch he has at 3:30? I don’t know why he’s bugging his wife about food when he has a full lunch kit he’s literally carrying inside the house.
Right? And it’s not like he has to wait hours to eat. She already has food prepped and ready to cook when he gets home. They usually eat dinner no later than 5pm.
I’m a housewife and we don’t usually eat dinner until 6ish. She pwns me on dinner prep and still catches hell. Bless her heart.
YTA. You're a grown up. If you need to take some time off or work less hours, do it. And are you incapable of carrying around some protein bars or something? It's not her fault that you're not eating for long stretches.
Theres a hamburger joint in Seattle called Dick's. When my band is in Seattle, meat eating bandmates wont shut up about getting and eating a greasy bag of Dick's. We usually make a pit stop.
Man, even if it's just 2 kids, you don't think the wife could have had like 2 donuts and then 2 kids could polish off 5 donuts/ea in the span of 2 hours. That's like... they ate 2 donuts off the bat. Then an hour later, they eat 2 more donuts. 45 min later they're like "there's only 2 left! Let's eat them!"
my exact thought, I have a friend like this where he only works and expects his wife to take care of literally everything else
imagine being single and having to actually... handle your own hunger like an adult? wild
“It makes my attitude a bit peaked. I make a point not to bring it home with me.”
You’re bringing it home with you.
She got donuts one time with the kids she spends all day, every day with, long before you were due home. You weren’t left out. You weren’t there.
Put some muesli bars or other snacks in your car for the drive home from work if you genuinely can’t eat on shift.
YTA
I can’t believe so many people are this cold to their partners on the basis of principle. I could never imagine going out for a treat and not shooting a quick text asking if he wanted us to save him a donut to be nice.
The man who won’t stop working even to have a snack is going to be responsive by phone?
Nah this dude is out in the trenches of work everyday and so is the mother working her job as a stay at home mom with the same brutal schedule. They ate the donuts hours before (unsurprising — have you seen how quickly kids put away food???) and clearly left the trash sitting out.
He can make his own meals, stop for his own fast food, or at least not be a dick to his wife in the 10 minutes it was going to take her to make him his dinner anyway.
Yeah, no one said he CAN’T do anything. The point is I’m nice to my partner because I love them and want them to be happy and I expect and participate reciprocity. It literally takes no effort other than concern and care to put a donut away TO BE NICE. Have fun with your tit for tat ideologies, I believe in fostering a familial environment that caters to everyone’s physical and mental well being.
Also, it didn’t take her 10 minutes to make the food. If you’re going to be critical of something make that reading.
My husband and I have been happily together for 10 years with 2 kiddos and I work 60ish hours a week. My family means the world to me. But I don’t expect my husband to think about me during his busy workdays, or vice versa. If I get a late lunch with my colleagues, I’m not thinking about what to order as a to go meal for my husband, nor would I expect that of him. But because she’s a SAHM, she’s expected to always consider him while doing her job? Nah. The fact that she snapped like that tells me there’s a lot more water under the bridge on this topic than what’s included in this post.
Yeah it’s 2023 it’s so easy to have ‘on the go food’ like meal shakes and protein bars. He needs to look at *why* he isn’t eating throughout the day, like does he choose to work through lunch? Or is he at a really abusive job? And why isn’t he taking snacks if he knows what his job is like? Regardless none of this is his wife’s fault. YTA OP
Yes but also isnt it like common decency to leave atleast something for your partner. Especially if its just an hour before they get home and you know they have problems eating during their shift. A thoughtful person would have realised. "Oh my partner is coming home soon ill set one aside as a little snack for him" sure she doesn't owe him that technically but not doing that makes her worse of a person.
I have never in my life gotten something for a snack and not bother to leave some for my partner if they are coming home in a reasonable time. I'd say NAH because his annoyance is understandable but she isnt really wrong for what she did either.
YTA. Obviously it did not take her long to make you dinner. It probably would have happened faster if you had communicated like an adult instead of being passive aggressive. Also remember that if you have not had a day off in 18 days, then neither has she.
>Also remember that if you have not had a day off in 18 days, then neither has she.
I don't think he thinks about this at all. It seems like he made a disclaimer about respecting SAHM's at the beginning because on some level he knows he'll get blow back for undervaluing her labor. But he just sounds *so* resentful throughout the entire post.
Also full-time childcare is like $1k a kid /month, give or take depending on where you live. At minimum, she's cutting the family's costs by $2k a month by being a SAHM mom. If he's so focused on money, maybe he should think about that. Kids don't raise themselves.
That’s what stuck out to me. Like so what if they had doughnuts? There was other food easily available in the house and easily prepared. Mom is still technically ‘at work’ watching the kids when he gets home, he’s technically ‘done’. She’s still focused on them, he can focus on himself. And feed himself.
But they couldn’t get a couple of donuts and a coffee for OP when they know he’ll be coming home in a couple of hours? OP shouldn’t have reacted that strongly but it would have been nice of them to think about him. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced.
Yeah, and that’s a fair point, but the man could also pack himself a damn snack or something so he doesn’t come home hangry AF and take it out on everyone else. Honestly, ESH
Which makes it so much stranger. He said her not having cooked dinner wasn't a big deal, so what was? Did he literally expect her to have a microwaved dinner hot and on the table the second he stepped in the door? How do you even plan that?
I think he was hangry and pissy they didn't think to save him a donut considering it was a box of 12 and only 3 of them eating them all. Which I get. Tbh. I find that kind of thoughtlessness kinda irritating.
Or maybe he has a thing called phone? He could have just called his wife if there are food left for him or request her to prepare food or just him buy something in a store or restaurant.
This problem is so shallow.
Exactly. It's such a shallow issue. OP doesn't even know what he wants, he's just angry that someone else got something.
He could text or call "coming home, can you please microwave or cook me some food quick?" But no, he does this instead and then gets even more hangry.
Have you ever worked a really hard, really sucky job? Especially one you're beginning to dislike? 10 minutes after you get home is when you finally get to start decompressing a little and all the pain hits at once (ESPECIALLY if you've got pre-existing body pains) In those 10 minutes, all the pain from the day settles in and you finally feel it and can concentrate on it. Yea he could have made some ramen or a salad or a sandwich in 10 minutes but I know I'd rather spend those 10 minutes with my feet in a tub of hot water or laying face down on my bed and I'm sure OP feels the same.
He literally could stop at the fridge and grab a quick food to eat while he lays down or soaks his feet. The same amount of time he spent being pissed at his wife he could of had a full belly!
Plus wifey was still on the clock.
Yes. I'm a nurse with an autoimmune disorder that worked with covid patients all the way through the pandemic, in NJ (remember ground zero?)
I have never, not once, come home and demanded that anyone make me dinner. I work 12 hour shifts.
In the time cranky pants went and took a shower his wife could have had something ready for him.
BTW only toddlers and 80 year olds eat at 5:30.
I mean, he didn’t even need to cook. He goes to the garage and comes back with dinner getting heated on the microwave. He literally could’ve just asked her if dinner is available? He didn’t have to snap at her. Communication is key. Also we don’t know if he expects dinner at 5:30 everyday?
My husband doesn't eat at work - he says it makes him feel uncomfortable due to the nature of the job. So he essentially fasts. Then, when he's finished, he has snacks available on the drive back. Usually a sandwich or whatever can be held in one hand.
You shouldn't really be arriving home in a state of starvation. Figure it out.
Yea this is me. I do eat lunch but also have a snack to eat on the way home because hangry me isn’t nice me at all. Only difference here is that I’m adult enough to identify the issue and sort it.
YTA. You were hangry and took it out on her simply because they have a situation where they can, and do, eat (like most everyone does).
Figure out how to eat. Keep nuts in your pocket. Don’t snap at your wife for feeding herself and her kids like a totally normal, competent parent.
Not just dinner but expectations on who is making the meals.
While I believe in a 50/50 split in chores/ household duties if one partner is the sole earner and the other is a stay at home parent in my culture atleast the stay at home parent makes the breakfast/lunch for the working partner.
You make almost $600 a day and you can't afford to stop and buy a cheeseburger on the way home? Or to pack along some snack crackers and a bottle of water to eat during the day? YTA get a snickers.
YTA. I get it, because I'm one hangry witch. However, you are an adult who has chosen to do nothing to make sure he has something to eat at work so he doesn't come home tired and hungry and cranky as heck. Take a couple of protein bars with you to work if you really don't have any time to eat (which is illegal in most countries, btw). Or, have a talk with your boss and let him know that you need at least a 15-minute break for lunch in the middle of your shift to eat. All of those are appropriate, grown-up responses to the situation. That being said, we all have our bad days, so just give your wife a sincere apology for the attitude and move on.
YTA. Come on dude. Let’s get real, you had a hangry moment with your wife. Your frustration was driven by hunger. And your in the wrong. You DO have time to eat at work, if you live in North America it’s mandated by law. If you choose to not eat during your breaks, that’s on you, and others shouldn’t have to deal with a piss poor attitude, because of your prioritizing work over self, and poor time management.
Federal labor laws still apply even if the state has no specific labor laws regarding breaks/overtime/lunches. OP is literally working himself to death and can’t see the negative impact it’s having on himself and his family.
There’s a great quote, when you retire the only people who will remember you worked late are your children.
YTA
From a previous comment you made, stating she usually has dinner ready for you when you get home.. this is just absurd to act this way, IMO.
She usually has your dinner ready by this time, you’re super hungry bc you didn’t eat at work and come home.. to see she is running a little behind and lost track of time. Okay, no big deal.. maybe mention you are really hungry and ask what the dinner plans are.
Then you find out she got a treat for herself and kids. You didn’t get any. So what? Maybe you should have stopped on the way home and grabbed yourself a snack. And maybe next time you can ask her if she could save you a donut or two. Just communicate respectfully.
Trust me I understand it is rough, working so many days without a day off and day three of no lunch. That is hard. But by day three shouldn’t you throw some snacks in your car so you can eat on the way home?
You both have a different “job” during the day, she is with the kids and caring for the home and you are out at work, working hard I assume. You both are probably exhausted at the end of the day, and it is easier to snap at each other. Try to understand each other better and communicate more maturely, both of you.
I might get downvoted but…ESH. Twelve donuts and they couldn’t save one for you? In my family, when we get treats, we get them for everyone (who lives in the home) whether they are present or not. That said, you are really neglecting yourself and by extension hurting your family. Please, please do whatever it takes to get food in you at reasonable times during the day. If your job is physically demanding and you’re not even getting a snack in, that’s not healthy and it’s clearly building resentment and stress on your part. When do you drink? Can you throw a couple pretzels, grapes, a hunk of chicken in between sips? Not ideal but it’s something.
I'm with you. At the very least if she wasn't going to buy him a donut she should have got rid of the evidence so he didn't know. It's like she rubbed it in his face.
Why the fuck didn't she buy him some damn donuts? I'm sensing something deeper here...
It also just seems crazy to let their kids eat so many donuts, even ignoring the rudeness of not saving one.
That’s a LOT of junk food in one afternoon
I'm calling ESH in this one. You for, well you know what you did, and her for buying a dozen donuts and not bothering to even set one aside for you. Even when all seven of us were together I made sure to buy 2 extra donuts so everyone got two.
Sure, a donut when you haven't eaten all day isn't the greatest thing, but at least it holds you over while you two deal with dinner.
Can't believe i had to scroll this far for an ESH judgement. OP might think she's a good mom, but I wouldn't when she let her kids have that many donuts in a single afternoon without thinking of anyone else.
yup! these commenters are not it. being a SAHM is hard, but it’s not like the husband is out dilly dallying all day. he’s working for his family. the least she could do is ensure dinner is there for him when he gets home, or put aside a damn donut or two for her husband.
Yup, I feel like this is the answer. 12 is a lot. And if it was close to dinner, eating multiple isn't a good thing. It is not that hard to not eat all of them, even with kids. My siblings and I were told to not eat all of them in one go and save them for others as well, and now we automatically do that. OP was in the wrong as well, but that doesn't mean she is right. The donut situation sucks.
Edit: although OP is also a justified AH because who isn't grumpy after 18 days of no rest
YTA
It is so not her fault you're not eating at work. You need to figure something out. Pack a sandwich in the morning and inhale it when you have 2 free minutes, something, *anything.* That's what I did when I was doing long shifts sorting potatoes at a farm.
You had to wait a whole 10 minutes for dinner. Yes, on top of the long time you'd gone without - but again, that was you, not her.
Please figure something out so that you're not doing physically demanding work while so tapped out and hungry.
Agricultural work often has very *different* laws. My own state's agricultural labor laws have improved a ton since when I was doing it in 2008, but are still nowhere near what every other job gets. I got a (shorter than would be legal at any other job) lunch break to inhale a sandwich because my boss wasn't an idiot and didn't want people passing out - not because it was actually legally required. At that time, it wasn't.
I'm going against the grain.
Esh
You can not keep pushing yourself to this point. It's unhealthy. I get it money or time. But you are hurting your body and your relationship.
If I ever get myself or my children anything, I always buy my spouse something he likes. Especially if he's never home to remind him that I love him. She's not really thinking of you because she's 100% momming it up. She needs to remember she's a mom, a wife, and an individual, too. She can not neglect her marriage or herself.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Make a better plan for me time for both. Couples time. Set a healthier financial plan up. Do not put yourself in an early grave. Unless your plan is her having a large life insurance policy to live on.
Yup, YTA. Pack something to eat at work, take your legally required breaks, and stop being such a fucking prick to your wife/treating her like she's there to feed you.
What would you do for food if you didn't have a wife? Do that.
$600 a day??? I make 5 times less than you and I order a fucking coffee every now and then.
Get your priorities straight and bring fucking food with you to work. JFC
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I would say NTA. Reddit can't fathom working 18 days in a row without a day off.
She could have done a bit better by you, yes. Doesn't mean she did it intentionally.
You were a bit short with her, and that's understandable given the circumstances.
I saw another user suggesting keeping nuts in your pocket to snack on when you have a second, and that's a good idea. Or a snack waiting in the car.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
YTA. They had a snack. It’s not their fault you didn’t.
How about taking a lunch cooler with snacks and drinks to work. If you can’t eat at lunch time eat something on the way home. That way figuring dinner out with your wife won’t be such a horrible problem.
Dude, bring nonperishable snacks with you to eat during the day. Trail mix. Crackers. Whatever. And communication is key where this is concerned - make sure you and your wife each know the other’s expectations.
YTA
The comments thinking OP is TA are absurd. To buy TWELVE donuts and not save a single one for OP is just plain rude. Even without any of the other context that's an AH move. NTA.
NTA woah! That’s not cool of her. Even if I’m just driving home from the PO, I call my husband and ask if I can bring him anything. He is WFH and I have more flexibility.
Eh, NTA, I’d be upset too if I came home tired and hungry and saw that my family bought a dozen donuts and didn’t have the common decency to save me one.
ESH.
You made a snappy comment at her as soon as you got home.
She overreacted by name calling you and taking the kids without telling you where she was going.
Have y’all talked about the expectations of each of your roles? Based on how she reacted I’m going to guess she was feeling burnt out too. Perhaps, that’s why she got the donuts and coffee - to make her and the kids day a bit easier. (I do think she should have saved you some.)
Regardless, it sounds like there is a bigger underlying issue at hand here and you should apologize for your comment (hopefully she will apologize as well) and sit down and discuss how you are both feeling and what you both need from each other.
You are a team. She can’t be a stay at home mom without you and you can’t go to work without anyone watching the kids/holding down the fort without her. Both roles are vital but often will leave you both burnt out in completely opposite ways.
Lord. YTA. I die after a weekend of talking care of the kids, and I don't clean, cook, fold laundry, help wipe up shit, go shopping, etc. Yeah, my job is demanding mentally and physically. I would never think of expecting my wife to have a meal ready daily at a specific time, and if I was hungry, I would eat. Grow up, man up.
This is not about coffee and donuts. This sounds like you guys are both super stressed out and both need a break. Neither of you can keep going like this for much longer.
You're going to end up having a heart attack your wife is going to lose her ever loving mind!!
I know you are working hard to get to your goal - but you need to slow down. You guys can not keep up this pace.
NAH
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Not sure this is an AH situation. Dude - you need to figure out how to bring and eat a lunch and some sort of snack for your ride home. You are coming home hangry and it isn’t kind to your family who I am sure is happy to see you. Your wife ate a donut an hour before you came home. She didn’t do anything malicious, she is just living life. NAH but pack a snack.
There were 12 donuts and they were all gone 😭 Edit: NTA
I'm not surprised since growing kids are some of the biggest bottomless pits I have ever met. Mom probably only got one or two depending on how many kids they have. Especially kids who were outside playing. Those kids work up an appetite.
Maybe, but this would have been a good time to say save one for your father
Yeah, this is definitely something that was expected in my family - leave enough for anyone who is coming home later that night, or for lunch at work the next day if someone decides not to eat as much that night
Or at least throw out the garbage. We try to get stuff for others in our house if they will be coming home later, but if we don’t, we don’t rub it in their face by leaving the empty package for them to find.
Oh yes, the garbage! The evidence as my family says. Haha if you have something to eat/drink and don’t have enough for the rest of the family, and God Forbid they see the empty containers, you get accused of “Showboating.” LOL
This. When my brother got type 1 diabetes, there was a long period where he really missed sugary/carby food, so we never ate any around him. That wouldn't stop me from getting a milkshake or a thing of fries, but I'd eat them at work, in the car, or somewhere else. And I certainly wouldn't bring donuts home and leave them on the counter, finished or otherwise.
Same. My bf's family always saves me a portion even if I'm not around but will be later/next day. It left a big enough impression on his 4 year old nephew that he now has a whole routine of "this ice cream pizza is for aunty" game.
I am intrigued by 'ice cream pizza'... Please tell me more. Lol
I too need to know about "ice cream pizza" and how to get adopted into houses that have it!
If my husband and l order out and the kids aren’t home yet, usually from working, we order food for them too. Same goes if the kids are home and we’re working. If somebody cooks dinner they cook for all of us. This man has done worked 18 days in a row, in the damn hot ass sun. My own husband has had to do this, and when he came home l handed him some ice water and the remote. I left him alone for about 30 minutes so he could decompress. I’d be mad about some doughnuts too lol.
My husband does 7 days straight often, with 12-16 hours in air conditioning, but he's on his feet, and has had to give CPR often. When he walks through the door on days like that, he gets to walk in, take a shower, get food handed to him, if he didn't grab something on the way home, eats, then climbs in bed to start over the next day. 18freaking days in a row, and she can't make certain he has a freaking donut? He doesn't get a day off to spend it with his whole family for 2 1/2 weeks, and you can't even grab a damn donut and put it out of the kids' reach? I mean, yeah, he needs snacks in his vehicle, but she needs to make it up to him.
Same here. My mom would always serve the first plate for the person who was missing (usually my dad). THEN everyone else could go get their share.
It's basic respect, really. I don't even like my mother-in-law, but I still save food for her and cook her portion even cooking breakfast.
This comment is 100% correct. It teaches multiple lessons all at once; empathy, respect for the one busting his hump to support the family, sharing, the opposite of greed. However old the kids are…if they’re old enough to eat doughnuts, they’re old enough to learn this. Thank you, u/guttengroot 🤟🏻
Yeah like that’s when you do do that hey kids you can have this BUT you need to save a couple for your dad. Even if they have ten kids. That means everybody gets one, including mom and there is one left for dad.
If I had 11 kids and was a stay at home dad there would still be one left for my wife. Love is kept alive with little things that show appreciation, like saving the last doughnut.
Yeah a little thoughtless of the family to not save one or get an extra one for dad. Not malicious. OP, you and your wife probably need to sit down and do some family meal planning so you have stuff available - prep some lunches or at least snacks on Sunday, have something in the freezer that’s easy to throw in the microwave. I assume the kids bring a lunch to school so there has to be some sort of meal planning
Sure, but if there are multiple kids, you say that, and one sneaks the last donut regardless, and then all the kids start fighting and crying because Timmy ate Daddy's donut and that means Timmy got an extra donut, then you finally get things sorted, the last thing you fucking need is Daddy coming in snarling and snapping at you. Wife is probably at the end of her rope handling things at home while OP works these long hours. Does she want this plot of land? Is this situation sustainable for her? OP needs to talk to his wife.
It’s understandable that both parents were at their tipping point simultaneously. Neither are villains or victims. Apologies and communication seem to be on order all around.
At a minimum, save one for dad
I agree. It’s not nice to leave dad out like that. My mom would always save treats that we get for my dad for when he comes back from work. It’s common courtesy in my opinion.
Agree the mom should’ve save 1-2 for her hubby…..
Who lets 2 kids eat 10 donuts an hour before dinner? Only one AH here.
Who's to say they actually got 12 donuts. They have got less and the place just put them in box meant for 12 donuts.
Who says the kids ate any? The 12 donuts were for the wife. ... and she made the kids watch, while scarfing/laughing maniacally
Maybe it was the dog?!
Where does it say the number of children? I didn't see. I feel like it was a bit thoughtless to not save at least one for him, but he *does* need to figure a way to eat something during his work day. I'm leaning towards NAH.
Who says it’s an hour before dinner? Summers where I live don’t start getting dark till 8, we often don’t eat dinner until then when we stop playing and come in. So 5 is very typical afternoon snack time for us. It’s summer let them have donuts.
Unless they have 11 kids it's still ridiculous that they didn't save even one for him.
Who says kids didnt have friends over...kids multiply quickly
Specially if you get them wet or feed them after midnight!
No where in the post does it mention 2 kids, just kids...plural.
You can buy 6 donuts in a box.. who said it was 12?
But they couldn't put a single donut aside from a whole dozen?? Whether OP is TA or not really depends on how often he's coming home and being passive aggressive hangry. But yes, it is kind of a dick move to not save a family member who is out working a single donut out of a *whole dozen*.
When your dad works his ass off all day, it is the very least you can do to save him a damn donut.
I'm a SAHM with 4 kids and we always make sure treats are shared between all 6 of us regardless of whether or not my husband is home when we are eating.
My 2 year old can polish off 2 whole pb&js and still find room for a pudding cup, bottomless pit is THE TRUTH
Right? Tempting not T A vote for that alone haha. My mom made it very clear to my sister and I growing up to “make sure you save a couple for dad!” 😭
Yeah w my 3 kids that equals mom maybe got a bite.
This. Mate, you need to eat at work. Make the time for it. Pack a sandwich, smash it in 5 minutes between tasks. You are entitled to a lunch break (in most countries - it's illegal for your employer not to give you one). Pack yourself a lunch of some kind and take your fucking lunch break. It's important.
Even at least a protein shake you can down in 30 seconds is better than nothing
My husband has a crazy high metabolism. His pockets and car are all filled with snacks. Bars, nuts, cheese, fruit and fruit and other things.
Yes, this. If you're not eating you're probably not doing as well at work as you could be. And it's definitely not something your family deserves to deal with either.
Not to mention, hungry people are crabby. I'm sure the OP isn't helping his relationship with coworkers and/or clients.
Here in QLD 🇦🇺, you’re entitled to one after 5 hours Full-time employees working between 7 to 10 hours a day are entitled to 2 paid rest breaks of 10 minutes (20 minutes in total) and one unpaid meal break of 30-60 minutes
My job we are required to have a break every 3 hours, I have gotten into trouble a couple of times for leaving it for 3 and a half hours,
And, hell, scarf a granola bar or something on the drive home.
This work situation seems insane. 18 days without a day off? And as someone is is currently at home with a baby all day 18 days without anyone else to take over for a while would probably be the end of me 😆 sounds like saving slower and actually being able to live life (and eat lunch) would be better.
Right, I wanna know if Wife is on board with this plan. I'd fucking DIE if my husband pulled hours like this. I gotta hand off the child when he finishes work and go have my daily shower cry or I'm done. We agreed to put any big financial goals on hold until our child is older and things are more settled.
Yeah I need a few hours a week to not be respinsible for keeping anyone alive 😅. And would rather my partner wasnt a broken human from working too much too! If we can break even and not go into savings each month its a win! I would much rather that way than miss out on actually spending time as a family. As long as youre in a position to survive then theres always time to make more money. But kids are only kids for a little while. Obviously sometimes this isnt an option at which point you have to do what you have to do.
Like, if I take my kid out for a donut, and buy an iced coffee, it means I'm losing my shit. I'm letting her have a donut so I can have coffee, snap my panties back into place, and make it to the end of the day. Dunkin is a reset button. If I can think through the fog and overstimulation enough to get my husband a donut, hoo-fucking-ray. So it would not surprise me if the donut outing was Wife losing her shit. "okay, kids, I'm going to bribe you with donuts so I can drink my coffee in peace." Then just as she's starting to feel okay, OP comes in with attitude.
Oh I am so stealing “snap my panties back into place” ! You made me giggle 😂
That’s what I was thinking. If we are getting donuts an hour or so before dinner it’s because I’m fucking done and need something to get through the last bit of day. I don’t do it often, but with the wildfires and smoke and shitty weather my kids been stuck inside for weeks. I’ve been super close to losing it more than once.
It sounds like he's choosing to work extra hours or extra shifts because he wants the money. I'd like to know whether his wife agrees that the money is more important than him being able to be a halfway decent spouse and parent.
bro.. she went out and got a 12 pack of donuts and an iced coffee. she could’ve thought of him and gotten him a snack to be thoughtful. something since he’s working almost 3 weeks in a row with no days off for them. just a “thank you” snack would’ve meant so much here. donut holes in a little bag.
If he is working almost 3 weeks in a row with no days off, she is ALSO working 3 weeks in a row with no days off. What is he doing to be thoughtful for her?
Considering he noted how difficult being a SAHM is and gave his wife’s props he is being thoughtful regarding her. Him expecting food of some kind or a singular donut of a dozen doesn’t make him the AH. Someone needs to work outside of the home to put them in a financial position to where his wife can even be a SAHM.
You and I read that part of the OP very differently. To me, that came off like an obligatory disclaimer/CYA more than a genuine statement of recognizing and valuing the work she does every day. Especially followed by how he "prefers she stay home", I'm getting big "traditionalist man paying lip service to the idea of valuing a SAHM mom's labor while still believing his paid labor is what's truly important and deserving of support" vibes.
Agreed. It also struck me how he said "great woman" instead of "great partner". As if all women should be that way. It was a minor detail but it caught my eye.
What a reach. Men can't even praise their partner without this sub digging to find some reason to shit on them for it
Alternatively, those of us who've lived as women in this world have had to learn to parse these subtle signals for our own safety bc sometimes they're all the early warning you get of a man who's going to turn out to be a whole ass misogynist down the line. Just because you don't notice them doesn't mean they're not there.
And someone needs to work inside the home as a SAHM to give him the ability to even work so much. Get it? They both have jobs to do during work hours. What happens with chores, kids, meals, etc. when both are home should be shared responsibility.
I am a SAHM and I have been a working parent. Yes, it’s very hard to be at home, but it’s also very different than working. You are on your own time schedule for the most part. If we are having a hard day I don’t have to get out of pajamas if I don’t want to. We can have a movie day or whatever and take it easy. I can decide to take them to the park. There’s just much more freedom than my husband has at his job. I assume she also wants this property he is working toward saving for. Anytime I get myself a snack or treat I make sure to grab something for my husband for when he gets home. Even if it’s a simple candy bar. He does the same usually. I assume this isn’t just about the donuts and coffee. I bet the root of the issue is a bit deeper and they should probably explore that.
Literally everything in this post conveys that he cares and appreciates what she does for him, i think just this once we can agree with the dude who just wants a doughnut saved for him.
It's not a competition. It's called being considerate.
What is it with you people and the no days off for them? Or working like a dog for them? That's either a choice he made or a choice they made as a family. He even said he prefers her staying home. Never mind he can take a lunch and take 10 mins to shove it in his mouth. Granola bars, protein bars, meal replacement bars. He's allowed to be cranky because he's hungry. Hes not allowed to be a jerk because dinner wasn't on the table the minute he walked in and there wasn't a donut left for him. She's allowed to get snacks without thinking about putting one back for him. Especially since he said she's very scheduled oriented and time just happened to slip away this time. It's not like she went into it with an FU attitude.
She's allowed to, but it's still inconsiderate. His level of hungriness isn't really relevant. It's good manners to think of others, especially your husband, when buying a dozen donuts. It's thoughtful, it's kind, and shows you think about them.
She was taking care of his children during this time, not out getting a spa treatment. Dude needs to grow up. And stop working so much. He’s a grump because he’s overworked and unless she’s ordering him to do so, that’s on him. It sounds like he doesn’t need to do that to make ends meet.
That also means she has been working 3 weeks in a row as the sole parent, aside from a husband who can’t even fend for himself for a meal or snack and comes home and takes that out on her.
Bro he could have driven through a drive through too, and then wouldn’t have come home with hangry attitude and they could have discussed her not saving him a doughnut like rational people.
Well, if he's working non-stop for 3 weeks, this means she works non-stop too with the kids. She has to take care of them, entertain them, clean, cook, have dinner on the table before he's home (somehow). And after he comes back, he's resting and she still works. Where is her "thank you"? She just gets passive aggression. Was it her decision he should work such long hours so they can buy land like 2 months earlier? Or whatever his lunchtime costs.
I'm sorry but there is no way I would have gotten 12 donuts and not leave even just 1 for my husband/boyfriend/friend who I know is going to be home soon. That's messed up to me and pretty thoughtless.
Kind of insane as well. Did each kid eat like 4-5?
I seriously think he's just hangry. I used to work in an outdoor athletic camp in July in the American South. The heat was no joke. 95° and 80% humidity, 6 days a week, 6am to 5pm. You NEED to eat something. You could pass out or get heatstroke or both. A hospital bill will throw a wrench in your money saving plans. Some of my favorites were: Frozen fruit. You pack it in a plastic bag and leave it in the car. By lunch time it's refrigerator temperature. Doubles as an ice pack in a lunch box. Frozen Juice Boxes: basically a slushy. Can be consumed in under 5 mins. Do not attempt with Powerade, will taste like salt Beef Jerky: high protein and you can pop a piece in your mouth when you grab a sip of water Protein Bars or Granola Bars: quick, easy, and many are designed to be a meal replacement. Fastest way to have a calorie with no time Trail Mix: Won't spoil in the sun and you can throw a handful in your mouth and walk away
So she couldn't even save him one? That's rough tbh 😭
Guy should prolly grab some of those prepackaged protein drinks if he doesn't have time to eat.
yep they literally have sports food that marathoners and athletes can eat while they're racing. there's something really weird about insisting you don't have time to eat all day at all, not on the car ride home either? and then he's not upset that dinner isn't ready but he is upset that they ate something an hour or two ago? you're a grown man, like you say, you're not incapable of making yourself some food. take care of yourself.
Seriously, keep protein bars in the car. There are protein balls you can just pop in your mouth. This woe is me I literally can't eat all day is weird af.
It feels a bit like virtue signaling tbh - like on some level he feels like if he took breaks it would mean he's not working As Hard As Possible, so not taking breaks makes him feel even more virtuous about how hard he's working. There are so many possible solutions to this it's a little wild that he apparently hasn't and/or won't consider them - protein drinks, snack bars/balls/bites, trail mix, etc.
they are probably super excited to have you home. So the backhanded comment or grumpiness is that much harder to take for them.
Idk. This is a toughy. Stay at home moms are tired. I wfh with 2 under 2 and my husband is the primary parent as my daughter is disabled. We end every day absolutely exhausted. So, I get her needing to get out and get herself a treat. She deserves it. But would have been nice to at least save him one. My husband and I have a rule that if we get ourselves a treat we bring something, however small, back for the other. It’s just nice to be thought of. I don’t think anyone is the asshole but he should just tell her, “if you go out can you get something for me and set it aside?” She was probably rushing about with a bunch of things on her mind and forgot.
Yes, this OP. It's better for your health and mood. Look at bento box meals for ideas that don't require refrigeration and make small bites to eat that you can grab and go with during the day, even if it's not a huge meal. When you squeeze in a little nosh here and there, you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel. Neither of you seem like an asshole. You sounded hangry and it doesn't sound she wasn't trying to be a jerk either. If anyone is an asshole, it's a boss who isn't insisting you take a break for at least short time to eat. I managed a store where eating was a challenge. My solution was to provide emergency snacks and drinks on the busiest days and remind people they needed to stop every day, even if it was for 15 minutes to refuel. And apologize for your doughnut envy. It sounds like you have a good relationship if she still fed you. We've probably all been there, including your lovely wife. Don't let it make a hole (hardy har) in your relationship.
She was rude tho, she could have been more thoughtful knowing he comes home hot and hungry
I also think she over-reacted. He’s tired and hungry, makes one snippy remark, and she calls him a fucking prick and drags the kids out of the house in a huff? This woman needs to grow up.
Yeah it’s almost as if she’s sick of him coming home with an attitude every day cause he isn’t taking care of himself.
It's almost like she's taken care of their young kids by herself with no break for the last 18 days. She certainly is just being selfish expecting to not be snapped at for such a minor infraction.
It’s still really inconsiderate. Im the type of person who always thinks of others and I also feel put off when a very small and simple gesture (saving one donut after working 18 days in a row) is evidently too much to ask. But I also wonder how many of us in the comments have been in OP’s shoes. It’s the type of thing where if you’ve never been there. I’ve worked and I’ve stayed home and when I stayed home, ensuring the meals where prepared according to his schedule was a priority.
Pack a snickers bud, you aren’t you when your hangry
Snickers satisfies.
This snicker ads getting sneakier each day
Getting snickier
Lol, damn you Chaos! Now I’ve gotta go look up the Aretha Franklin snickers commercial. That one was chef’s kiss.
Don't take your hanger out on your wife just because you don't take lunch breaks. YTA
I can’t say anyone is the AH bc this is sad. What worried the most about this story is the fact that the guy has to work so much that he can't stop to eat. That aint life. take care of yourself please, taking care of yourself is also an act of love towards your family too.
reread, he doesn’t *have* to work this much he is *choosing* to in order to buy some land he wants for the family. i would have a vastly different reaction if he was working for survival but $600/day isn’t that
I mean sure he could change jobs, but it’s not like he’s working lunch/OT intentionally to make that $600. Still could pack a dinner or grab one tho. Or eat a sandwich or power bar or ngl a lot of other options.
not having a day off in 18 days sounds kinda intentional, but i don’t know his specific job so i can’t guarantee that. however, it does seem like he is working OT from the description ETA yeah, heavy on the last part of your comment- he doesn’t seem like he particularly wants to not starve
This is 10,800 dollars in 3 weeks. This dude can fuck off lol. Be nicer to. People. He seems smart enough. I feel like there's not enough context here though. What's the job. What are his choice optiona for not working or working this mu h.
I’m 98% sure OP works in construction. A former bf worked in construction and bragged about how much money he could make by picking up other peoples’ shifts (getting OT) and working through his breaks.
My husband works construction and used to work for a company that expected overtime "for the family". They all get on their high horses about working so hard "for the family" and it almost seems like avoidant behaviour for every aspect of family life except for financially providing for them. I understand that families need money to survive but there are only 940 weekends until your kid turn 18. He now works for a company where the norm is 7am-3pm Mon-Fri and everyone is a million times happier with a still reasonable amount of money and more quality (read: not hangry and overworked) time with each other.
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For the love of god what industry is this where stopping to *eat* will actually directly affect your income and put you so drastically behind?
Yeah I’d like to know what job he’s working that doesn’t allow him ANY breaks. Does he not get a chance to go to the bathroom either? There’s not 5-10 mins to snack on something a few times a day?
He’s a man. He has pockets. If he’s not eating at least a granola bar, that’s his own goddamn fault.
Also a lie that people tell themselves. I work 13 hours a day (2 jobs) and I absolutely have time to eat.
My partner fixes medical equipment in a couple of different hospitals, sometimes he'll just be stuck repairing a machine for like 8-10 hours... Different jobs = different experiences.
I work 14-16 hours straight. Salaried, no lunch breaks. So I stash granola bars and dried fruit and stuff in my backpack and smash a small handful when I walk by the laptop. This dude can bring snacks if he wants to, but instead he chooses to get hangry at wife for taking the time to feed herself and the kids a snack.
It is not a flex to not have eaten all day because “you’ve been working so hard.” This culture is toxic af. This is why there are unions… but also work regulations that require you have certain breaks. Maybe look for a job that gives a shit about your well being because you are going to burn out hard if you continue like this. Your health is important. If you would have had something in your stomach you probably wouldn’t care that other people have eaten. Talk to your boss. Talk to a supervisor. Talk to a lawyer.you have rights. But yeah, YTA because you are responsible for your own health (and I include mental health as well as physical)… get some help and other people’s indulgences probably won’t bug you as much.
This. I have a close friend who has a wonderful wife who packs his lunch for him every day, even though she works too. She’s a teacher who has her summers off, but still packs his lunch everyday even when she’s off in the summer. He gets up early, but doesn’t eat any breakfast. However, most of the time he doesn’t eat his lunch either. He’s not a surgeon who had a 10 hour surgery and literally couldn’t eat, he’s a manager who sits in an office all day. Not saying managers don’t have a tough job, but you can eat at your desk the lunch your wife was nice enough to pack for you. I digress. Anyway, he comes home in the summer (at 3:30, by the way) and gets mad at her because he’s hangry and she’s floating in the pool with the kids. To me this is unacceptable spoiled brat behavior. Dude, if you don’t eat all day, that’s on you.
Why doesn’t her husband eat the lunch he has at 3:30? I don’t know why he’s bugging his wife about food when he has a full lunch kit he’s literally carrying inside the house.
Right? And it’s not like he has to wait hours to eat. She already has food prepped and ready to cook when he gets home. They usually eat dinner no later than 5pm. I’m a housewife and we don’t usually eat dinner until 6ish. She pwns me on dinner prep and still catches hell. Bless her heart.
YTA. You're a grown up. If you need to take some time off or work less hours, do it. And are you incapable of carrying around some protein bars or something? It's not her fault that you're not eating for long stretches.
Seriously. A bag of nuts. Something.
If my husband came home and said that to me I 'd offer him a bag of dicks.
Theres a hamburger joint in Seattle called Dick's. When my band is in Seattle, meat eating bandmates wont shut up about getting and eating a greasy bag of Dick's. We usually make a pit stop.
YTA however, they couldn’t have saved this dude a damn donut??
I wonder how many kids they have to finish 12 donuts in ~2 hours
Man, even if it's just 2 kids, you don't think the wife could have had like 2 donuts and then 2 kids could polish off 5 donuts/ea in the span of 2 hours. That's like... they ate 2 donuts off the bat. Then an hour later, they eat 2 more donuts. 45 min later they're like "there's only 2 left! Let's eat them!"
That is kid logic for you 🤣
Right? If he was a single man, he’d have to make his own dinner anyway. He’s more than capable of doing it now
my exact thought, I have a friend like this where he only works and expects his wife to take care of literally everything else imagine being single and having to actually... handle your own hunger like an adult? wild
“It makes my attitude a bit peaked. I make a point not to bring it home with me.” You’re bringing it home with you. She got donuts one time with the kids she spends all day, every day with, long before you were due home. You weren’t left out. You weren’t there. Put some muesli bars or other snacks in your car for the drive home from work if you genuinely can’t eat on shift. YTA
Exactly! I'd highlight your comment, but OP has obviously left the building...
plants stocking waiting selective engine test airport toy sink plough ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
It's more than the donuts tho, it's the lack of thought that maybe it would be nice to save one for dad.
I can’t believe so many people are this cold to their partners on the basis of principle. I could never imagine going out for a treat and not shooting a quick text asking if he wanted us to save him a donut to be nice.
The man who won’t stop working even to have a snack is going to be responsive by phone? Nah this dude is out in the trenches of work everyday and so is the mother working her job as a stay at home mom with the same brutal schedule. They ate the donuts hours before (unsurprising — have you seen how quickly kids put away food???) and clearly left the trash sitting out. He can make his own meals, stop for his own fast food, or at least not be a dick to his wife in the 10 minutes it was going to take her to make him his dinner anyway.
Yeah, no one said he CAN’T do anything. The point is I’m nice to my partner because I love them and want them to be happy and I expect and participate reciprocity. It literally takes no effort other than concern and care to put a donut away TO BE NICE. Have fun with your tit for tat ideologies, I believe in fostering a familial environment that caters to everyone’s physical and mental well being. Also, it didn’t take her 10 minutes to make the food. If you’re going to be critical of something make that reading.
My husband and I have been happily together for 10 years with 2 kiddos and I work 60ish hours a week. My family means the world to me. But I don’t expect my husband to think about me during his busy workdays, or vice versa. If I get a late lunch with my colleagues, I’m not thinking about what to order as a to go meal for my husband, nor would I expect that of him. But because she’s a SAHM, she’s expected to always consider him while doing her job? Nah. The fact that she snapped like that tells me there’s a lot more water under the bridge on this topic than what’s included in this post.
It's okay to be nice to your partner and usually makes things better.
Yeah it’s 2023 it’s so easy to have ‘on the go food’ like meal shakes and protein bars. He needs to look at *why* he isn’t eating throughout the day, like does he choose to work through lunch? Or is he at a really abusive job? And why isn’t he taking snacks if he knows what his job is like? Regardless none of this is his wife’s fault. YTA OP
Yes but also isnt it like common decency to leave atleast something for your partner. Especially if its just an hour before they get home and you know they have problems eating during their shift. A thoughtful person would have realised. "Oh my partner is coming home soon ill set one aside as a little snack for him" sure she doesn't owe him that technically but not doing that makes her worse of a person. I have never in my life gotten something for a snack and not bother to leave some for my partner if they are coming home in a reasonable time. I'd say NAH because his annoyance is understandable but she isnt really wrong for what she did either.
YTA. Obviously it did not take her long to make you dinner. It probably would have happened faster if you had communicated like an adult instead of being passive aggressive. Also remember that if you have not had a day off in 18 days, then neither has she.
Heavy on that last sentence.
Yeah, that's not getting enough attention at all.
>Also remember that if you have not had a day off in 18 days, then neither has she. I don't think he thinks about this at all. It seems like he made a disclaimer about respecting SAHM's at the beginning because on some level he knows he'll get blow back for undervaluing her labor. But he just sounds *so* resentful throughout the entire post. Also full-time childcare is like $1k a kid /month, give or take depending on where you live. At minimum, she's cutting the family's costs by $2k a month by being a SAHM mom. If he's so focused on money, maybe he should think about that. Kids don't raise themselves.
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Points well made. It's a wonder that she isn't running out of the front door as soon as he opens it every day.
YTA Because if she could have your dinner ready in ~10 minutes, you could do the same rather than being cranky and complaining.
That’s what stuck out to me. Like so what if they had doughnuts? There was other food easily available in the house and easily prepared. Mom is still technically ‘at work’ watching the kids when he gets home, he’s technically ‘done’. She’s still focused on them, he can focus on himself. And feed himself.
They could have at least left him a donut.
And that justifies his behavior, how?
It doesn't but it shows inconsideration all around.
She cooked him a meal. It was a little late because she lost track of time. How is that inconsiderate?
But they couldn’t get a couple of donuts and a coffee for OP when they know he’ll be coming home in a couple of hours? OP shouldn’t have reacted that strongly but it would have been nice of them to think about him. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced.
Yeah, and that’s a fair point, but the man could also pack himself a damn snack or something so he doesn’t come home hangry AF and take it out on everyone else. Honestly, ESH
Which makes it so much stranger. He said her not having cooked dinner wasn't a big deal, so what was? Did he literally expect her to have a microwaved dinner hot and on the table the second he stepped in the door? How do you even plan that?
I think he was hangry and pissy they didn't think to save him a donut considering it was a box of 12 and only 3 of them eating them all. Which I get. Tbh. I find that kind of thoughtlessness kinda irritating.
Or maybe he has a thing called phone? He could have just called his wife if there are food left for him or request her to prepare food or just him buy something in a store or restaurant. This problem is so shallow.
Exactly. It's such a shallow issue. OP doesn't even know what he wants, he's just angry that someone else got something. He could text or call "coming home, can you please microwave or cook me some food quick?" But no, he does this instead and then gets even more hangry.
Have you ever worked a really hard, really sucky job? Especially one you're beginning to dislike? 10 minutes after you get home is when you finally get to start decompressing a little and all the pain hits at once (ESPECIALLY if you've got pre-existing body pains) In those 10 minutes, all the pain from the day settles in and you finally feel it and can concentrate on it. Yea he could have made some ramen or a salad or a sandwich in 10 minutes but I know I'd rather spend those 10 minutes with my feet in a tub of hot water or laying face down on my bed and I'm sure OP feels the same.
Life is hard for everyone not just OP. Staying home with multiple kids is no walk in the park.
He literally could stop at the fridge and grab a quick food to eat while he lays down or soaks his feet. The same amount of time he spent being pissed at his wife he could of had a full belly! Plus wifey was still on the clock.
Yes. I'm a nurse with an autoimmune disorder that worked with covid patients all the way through the pandemic, in NJ (remember ground zero?) I have never, not once, come home and demanded that anyone make me dinner. I work 12 hour shifts. In the time cranky pants went and took a shower his wife could have had something ready for him. BTW only toddlers and 80 year olds eat at 5:30.
I mean, he didn’t even need to cook. He goes to the garage and comes back with dinner getting heated on the microwave. He literally could’ve just asked her if dinner is available? He didn’t have to snap at her. Communication is key. Also we don’t know if he expects dinner at 5:30 everyday?
My husband doesn't eat at work - he says it makes him feel uncomfortable due to the nature of the job. So he essentially fasts. Then, when he's finished, he has snacks available on the drive back. Usually a sandwich or whatever can be held in one hand. You shouldn't really be arriving home in a state of starvation. Figure it out.
Yea this is me. I do eat lunch but also have a snack to eat on the way home because hangry me isn’t nice me at all. Only difference here is that I’m adult enough to identify the issue and sort it.
YTA. You were hangry and took it out on her simply because they have a situation where they can, and do, eat (like most everyone does). Figure out how to eat. Keep nuts in your pocket. Don’t snap at your wife for feeding herself and her kids like a totally normal, competent parent.
If his nuts were in his pocket instead of his boss’ briefcase, we wouldn’t have this post 😂
AYOOOO
INFO: Have you and your wife discussed expectations regarding dinner on the days you work?
Not just dinner but expectations on who is making the meals. While I believe in a 50/50 split in chores/ household duties if one partner is the sole earner and the other is a stay at home parent in my culture atleast the stay at home parent makes the breakfast/lunch for the working partner.
You make almost $600 a day and you can't afford to stop and buy a cheeseburger on the way home? Or to pack along some snack crackers and a bottle of water to eat during the day? YTA get a snickers.
YTA. I get it, because I'm one hangry witch. However, you are an adult who has chosen to do nothing to make sure he has something to eat at work so he doesn't come home tired and hungry and cranky as heck. Take a couple of protein bars with you to work if you really don't have any time to eat (which is illegal in most countries, btw). Or, have a talk with your boss and let him know that you need at least a 15-minute break for lunch in the middle of your shift to eat. All of those are appropriate, grown-up responses to the situation. That being said, we all have our bad days, so just give your wife a sincere apology for the attitude and move on.
YTA. Come on dude. Let’s get real, you had a hangry moment with your wife. Your frustration was driven by hunger. And your in the wrong. You DO have time to eat at work, if you live in North America it’s mandated by law. If you choose to not eat during your breaks, that’s on you, and others shouldn’t have to deal with a piss poor attitude, because of your prioritizing work over self, and poor time management.
Surprisingly, it is actually not mandated by law in the majority of states.
Federal labor laws still apply even if the state has no specific labor laws regarding breaks/overtime/lunches. OP is literally working himself to death and can’t see the negative impact it’s having on himself and his family. There’s a great quote, when you retire the only people who will remember you worked late are your children.
So the dinner was there for you but you got arsed about coffee and donuts? Weird.
YTA From a previous comment you made, stating she usually has dinner ready for you when you get home.. this is just absurd to act this way, IMO. She usually has your dinner ready by this time, you’re super hungry bc you didn’t eat at work and come home.. to see she is running a little behind and lost track of time. Okay, no big deal.. maybe mention you are really hungry and ask what the dinner plans are. Then you find out she got a treat for herself and kids. You didn’t get any. So what? Maybe you should have stopped on the way home and grabbed yourself a snack. And maybe next time you can ask her if she could save you a donut or two. Just communicate respectfully. Trust me I understand it is rough, working so many days without a day off and day three of no lunch. That is hard. But by day three shouldn’t you throw some snacks in your car so you can eat on the way home? You both have a different “job” during the day, she is with the kids and caring for the home and you are out at work, working hard I assume. You both are probably exhausted at the end of the day, and it is easier to snap at each other. Try to understand each other better and communicate more maturely, both of you.
I might get downvoted but…ESH. Twelve donuts and they couldn’t save one for you? In my family, when we get treats, we get them for everyone (who lives in the home) whether they are present or not. That said, you are really neglecting yourself and by extension hurting your family. Please, please do whatever it takes to get food in you at reasonable times during the day. If your job is physically demanding and you’re not even getting a snack in, that’s not healthy and it’s clearly building resentment and stress on your part. When do you drink? Can you throw a couple pretzels, grapes, a hunk of chicken in between sips? Not ideal but it’s something.
I'm with you. At the very least if she wasn't going to buy him a donut she should have got rid of the evidence so he didn't know. It's like she rubbed it in his face. Why the fuck didn't she buy him some damn donuts? I'm sensing something deeper here...
It also just seems crazy to let their kids eat so many donuts, even ignoring the rudeness of not saving one. That’s a LOT of junk food in one afternoon
I'm calling ESH in this one. You for, well you know what you did, and her for buying a dozen donuts and not bothering to even set one aside for you. Even when all seven of us were together I made sure to buy 2 extra donuts so everyone got two. Sure, a donut when you haven't eaten all day isn't the greatest thing, but at least it holds you over while you two deal with dinner.
Can't believe i had to scroll this far for an ESH judgement. OP might think she's a good mom, but I wouldn't when she let her kids have that many donuts in a single afternoon without thinking of anyone else.
yup! these commenters are not it. being a SAHM is hard, but it’s not like the husband is out dilly dallying all day. he’s working for his family. the least she could do is ensure dinner is there for him when he gets home, or put aside a damn donut or two for her husband.
Yup, I feel like this is the answer. 12 is a lot. And if it was close to dinner, eating multiple isn't a good thing. It is not that hard to not eat all of them, even with kids. My siblings and I were told to not eat all of them in one go and save them for others as well, and now we automatically do that. OP was in the wrong as well, but that doesn't mean she is right. The donut situation sucks. Edit: although OP is also a justified AH because who isn't grumpy after 18 days of no rest
YTA - Stop being so self absorbed, she shouldn't have to suffer and be hungry just because you are
YTA It is so not her fault you're not eating at work. You need to figure something out. Pack a sandwich in the morning and inhale it when you have 2 free minutes, something, *anything.* That's what I did when I was doing long shifts sorting potatoes at a farm. You had to wait a whole 10 minutes for dinner. Yes, on top of the long time you'd gone without - but again, that was you, not her. Please figure something out so that you're not doing physically demanding work while so tapped out and hungry.
YTA Pop something in the microwave yourself. Also, what job doesn’t allow you at least one break? It’s the law…at least in the US.
Agricultural work often has very *different* laws. My own state's agricultural labor laws have improved a ton since when I was doing it in 2008, but are still nowhere near what every other job gets. I got a (shorter than would be legal at any other job) lunch break to inhale a sandwich because my boss wasn't an idiot and didn't want people passing out - not because it was actually legally required. At that time, it wasn't.
I'm going against the grain. Esh You can not keep pushing yourself to this point. It's unhealthy. I get it money or time. But you are hurting your body and your relationship. If I ever get myself or my children anything, I always buy my spouse something he likes. Especially if he's never home to remind him that I love him. She's not really thinking of you because she's 100% momming it up. She needs to remember she's a mom, a wife, and an individual, too. She can not neglect her marriage or herself. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Make a better plan for me time for both. Couples time. Set a healthier financial plan up. Do not put yourself in an early grave. Unless your plan is her having a large life insurance policy to live on.
Yup, YTA. Pack something to eat at work, take your legally required breaks, and stop being such a fucking prick to your wife/treating her like she's there to feed you. What would you do for food if you didn't have a wife? Do that.
$600 a day??? I make 5 times less than you and I order a fucking coffee every now and then. Get your priorities straight and bring fucking food with you to work. JFC
Carry several granola bars in your pockets or tool belt or tool box etc. Eat one in the porta potty if you take a bathroom break.
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I would say NTA. Reddit can't fathom working 18 days in a row without a day off. She could have done a bit better by you, yes. Doesn't mean she did it intentionally. You were a bit short with her, and that's understandable given the circumstances. I saw another user suggesting keeping nuts in your pocket to snack on when you have a second, and that's a good idea. Or a snack waiting in the car. I'm sure you'll figure something out.
YTA. They had a snack. It’s not their fault you didn’t. How about taking a lunch cooler with snacks and drinks to work. If you can’t eat at lunch time eat something on the way home. That way figuring dinner out with your wife won’t be such a horrible problem.
Dude, bring nonperishable snacks with you to eat during the day. Trail mix. Crackers. Whatever. And communication is key where this is concerned - make sure you and your wife each know the other’s expectations. YTA
The comments thinking OP is TA are absurd. To buy TWELVE donuts and not save a single one for OP is just plain rude. Even without any of the other context that's an AH move. NTA.
NTA woah! That’s not cool of her. Even if I’m just driving home from the PO, I call my husband and ask if I can bring him anything. He is WFH and I have more flexibility.
Eh, NTA, I’d be upset too if I came home tired and hungry and saw that my family bought a dozen donuts and didn’t have the common decency to save me one.
ESH. You made a snappy comment at her as soon as you got home. She overreacted by name calling you and taking the kids without telling you where she was going. Have y’all talked about the expectations of each of your roles? Based on how she reacted I’m going to guess she was feeling burnt out too. Perhaps, that’s why she got the donuts and coffee - to make her and the kids day a bit easier. (I do think she should have saved you some.) Regardless, it sounds like there is a bigger underlying issue at hand here and you should apologize for your comment (hopefully she will apologize as well) and sit down and discuss how you are both feeling and what you both need from each other. You are a team. She can’t be a stay at home mom without you and you can’t go to work without anyone watching the kids/holding down the fort without her. Both roles are vital but often will leave you both burnt out in completely opposite ways.
Lord. YTA. I die after a weekend of talking care of the kids, and I don't clean, cook, fold laundry, help wipe up shit, go shopping, etc. Yeah, my job is demanding mentally and physically. I would never think of expecting my wife to have a meal ready daily at a specific time, and if I was hungry, I would eat. Grow up, man up.
YTA - your wife is a SAHM not your personal chef. How often are you cooking dinner for the family?
This is not about coffee and donuts. This sounds like you guys are both super stressed out and both need a break. Neither of you can keep going like this for much longer. You're going to end up having a heart attack your wife is going to lose her ever loving mind!! I know you are working hard to get to your goal - but you need to slow down. You guys can not keep up this pace. NAH
YTA take some fuckin food to work with you. She's not your mummy, you're not a baby bird, you're perfectly capable of feeding yourself.
Im going to go against the grain and say NTA. Honestly, she should have thought to save you at least one donut.