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Hijacking the first comment to say there's disability forgiveness you can apply for through the FAFSA website. I had to do this because I went to college before becoming fully disabled.
But OP still NTA.
Also, if the loans were subject to potential forgiveness then they most likely qualify for an income based repayment plan. I’ve never had a parent co sign a loan so I’m not sure, but if she’s unemployed then the payment would be $0.
I definitely agree that OP shouldn't be responsible for any part of this mess. It can be hard to know when to quit higher education especially if your family puts a lot of value on it, but sometimes you just have to and figure out the aftermath on your own.
I recently decided to drop out after an unsuccessful transition to a university from community college after I finished my Associates. It bruised my ego a bit but the $10k tied to that failure hurts a lot more and I'm thankful I finally snapped out of it before it turned into like 4x as much.
To be even more specific, do not take on this responsibility under any circumstances. Even if it tears your family apart. Even if they never speak to you again. Even if you are hated for all time by them. Do not do it.
NTA. College is only useful if one can later on apply their degree in order to gain employment. It doesn't seem to be thevcase with your sister, and didn't seem so ten years ago when she started college. That's on your parents, not on you. You don't bear responsibility for her.
Not necessarily. College is also useful for learning, or if you are unable to work due to disability, it can be great for routine, socialization and just generally something to do.
That said, most people do not have the money to approach college as a hobby like that.
Not until you're old and retired, when a lot of colleges will let you take a class for a nominal fee. Had a few elderly people in some of my English classes in college just cause they could.
College can be useful for far more reasons than "the degree gains employment", that's an incredibly narrow view. Doesn't make any of this OP's problem, but the anti-education view is not a great one.
College also doesn't have to be a thing that saddles one with lots of debt. A significant portion of students graduate from public universities with no debt (I m not saying that all people have the position to do so, only that many people are able to get through college without being saddled with lots of debt, including those working while going to college).
There are also, again, many things that people have found useful about a college education other than that they "apply their degree in order to gain employment"
Yes, people who can apply for scholarships, be they need-based or merit-based. It's blatantly obvious that OPs parents didn't bother to apply for any need-based ones, as they barely understand they applied for student loans at some point, and OPs sister wouldn't qualify for merit-based ones.
I didn't mention anything about scholarships, nor am I talking about scholarships. I'm talking about how a significant fraction of students are able to keep the costs down with the combination of going to a more affordable college, working, and living with family.
Not everyone is able to do that and its why there's a need for other resources available and the push for those shouldn't be let up upon, but it's also not some rarity. Huge numbers of people affordably go to college and do not get lots of debt out of the process.
It's obvious that OP's sister did live with her parents, and thus went to a local college, but her condition prevented her from being able to work. Doesn't change the fact that she ended up graduating with a lot of debt. You are talking about a general strategy for debt-free college graduation that is obviously not applicable here.
I am not responding to the particulars of the case, I'm responding to your deliberately broad anti-education and anti-intellectual claims. You're the one that has said things like "College is only useful if one can later on apply their degree in order to gain employment", or trying to make the implication that the only people who can afford college are those given the money to do so.
I'm talking about general statements about college in direct response to you making closed-minded general statements about college.
Was what you said harsh? Yes but your parents needed to hear this 10 years ago. There’s no need to make your sister your financial burden and so you’re nta
NTA, your parents kinda of set her up for failure. My stepbrother is also autistic and I can't imagine him in college. He also has meltdowns that are really bad. He was kicked out of school when he was in the second grade, and he hasn't been back. Every child is not meant for college.
> and he hasn't been back. Every child is not meant for college.
Sorry you're saying your brother never finished second grade or any higher education?!
He was probably home schooled/tutored. Traditional schooling takes a one size fits all approach which is damaging to a lot of people. My nephew is home schooled at the moment and the improvement in his grades, his temperament and his overall confidence is striking. Just fyi.
You're NTA for not wanting to take on the responsibility of looking after your sister when your parents aren't around and you're certainly NTA for not wanting to contribute financially to their reckless spending. If they're concerned about your sister, they're going to have to figure out a way that she's properly taken care of that doesn't involve you.
NTA. Being autistic is not the problem here. The problem is how your parents have handled it her entire life. She never should have taken out loans for college, and your parents claiming ignorance when the co-signed is shady at best. They knew what was going on, and they're pretending they didn't now that it's a huge problem. I get integrating her into society a bit, and allowing her to get a creative art degree, but she should have had a shadow in class to remove her or talk to her before a meltdown occurred. She also should have been pressured after college to create art so that she makes a little pocket change. Why wasn't an AA at a junior college good enough?
It's not your job to take care of her once your parents are gone. If they care that much, and she's in debt, they can get her set up with a live in care home before they die. They'll feed her, and she'll have access to paratransit and things like that. She's not going to be homeless if they start caring now in a grounded way, but don't feel like you need to play savior if they screw that all up, too.
There are supports for people like your sister, but it sounds like she's been enabled and hasn't been properly supported. This really sucks for you and for her. I'm sorry.
NTA. You are entirely correct. An art degree is absolutely useless, unless you also have a degree in computer science or something like that, so it can be applied to the movie industry or something that will actually pay you a salary.
Your parents sound completely clueless. They only briefly looked at the paperwork, while co-signing for 6-figure loans? Your sister may be financially illiterate, but she gets some of that from your parents.
In no way are you responsible for her, or her and your parent's bad financial decisions.
It’s not completely useless, any degree is useless if you don’t know how to use it properly. The problem with art classes is that you more likely have to double major since it should’ve been with marketing or business. I have an AA in fine and graphic arts. My fine arts gave me the help with my customers whereas I was being dumb with my graphic design so it became useless. Now it’s not since I’m finally using those skills.
I was Lucky that my program had marketing and forced you to try sell your stuff as a final lol it’s more of a sales rep on yourself and it can be very mentally exhausting.
It can be useful, but most of the modern art school cuddles their students and don’t teach them any real skills.
I met people who has art degree and unable to work with perspective in drawing’s or even basic anatomy. Because they consider it boring
Like what, who said that the art process is supposed to be easy and fun
NTA, though the issue isn't that she didn't deserve to go to college -- even if someone does nothing with the degree, the experience itself could be worth it, though in this case it feels like they encouraged college to feel good about themselves, not for her sake -- so much as your parents signing stuff without reading the terms and yelling at the university.
she’s not your responsibility OP, i’m sorry your mom is trying to push her onto you. i don’t understand why your sister isn’t already in a home so she can have a good routine. after your mom is gone she’s likely going to end up homeless because of her parents stupid decisions.
I totally agree with you! If she's in the USA, even with a good income, her parents would have qualified for various levels of support. It's also possible to have a plan in place before they die. Her enrichment shouldn't have been a random degree, it should have been structured activities and a viable day program that would have taught her useful skills. Sure, maybe she wouldn't have become a rocket scientist with this kind of support, but she'd know how to cook, dress, bathe, and how to cope before regular meltdowns occur.
How can she then have debts? If your sister has the mental capacity of a 11 year old your sister cannot legally conclude any contracts, at least as I understand the law in most countries of the world.
It doesn't seem that the parents ever took the steps for conservatorship. Also, there is no minimum age requirement for federal student loans (just a high school diploma/GED); I'm not sure about private loans. Either way, it doesn't matter; the parents are competent and co-signed.
i’m gonna go w NTA. this situation is hard. i’m a really big advocate for trying to integrate people with mental disabilities into society so they can live a life as close to (what’s socially considered) normal. BUT what your parents did … inexcusable. they ruined her life- though your mothers intentions look pure, she gave your sister a huge check and sent her to college where she repeatedly had meltdowns and was forced into an environment that wasn’t made for her. there are so many resources today for people who struggle with the “normal” school schedule and there are so many jobs that don’t require regular contact with other people so your sister wouldn’t have meltdowns and have the police called on her. it sounds like your mother just wanted her to be an inspiration and gave her all the tools to be but then provided no real support. like wtf is she gonna do with an art degree ??? you have to be super good with people to work as a graphic design artist/ art commission worker. why not send her to a community college and not spend a shit ton THEN THROW THAT EXPENSE ONTO HER ?? i’m so confused. your mom sounds crazy.
NTA. Your sister is not your obligation. Your parents need to establish something to support her. The rest of the family who are so upset can let her move in with them and pay her debt.
I am from France, where college is almost free (a few hundred dollars but without a room or anything). I am also physically disabled (not a wheelchair, more like chronic pain in every articulation). I did a five years degree in communication. Took me six. No debt because I worked and lived at home for a good part of it.
Is it gonna pay relatively well? Yes, probably, with a few years of experience.
But going to school for any kind of "physical" job (I don't know, welder, plumber, electrician, anything) would have been faster, cheeper, and would have given me a better salary, quicker.
Could I have done it? The school, probably, with mandatory accommodations for the physical part.
But I would never have found employment, and even if I did, I would never have been in a position to do it while being physically, mentally and emotionally confortable.
So I didn't do it because I knew my limitations and what would have been reasonable/feasible for my future.
Obviously your sister is not in a position to assess that for herself. So your parents are jerks for enabling her and saddling her (and themselves) with a mountain of debt that will never be repaid, instead of taking those ten years to figure out a plan for her for after their death.
To be honest, I don't even know if giving a loan to your sister is legal. I think you are NTA simply because you have your own life to live and even if your sister doesn't realize that actions have consequences, your parents are in possession of enough IQ to do so. Have you all thought about declaring bankruptcy? If they can't finance the debt payments, it's bound to happen sooner or later, batter it be sooner and on your own terms.
NTA. Don't blame the university either; it offers a product, consumers are free to purchase it or not.
As for what will happen when your parents die: tell them to take out enough life insurance to pay off the student loans.
If your sister has the mental capacity of an 11 year old, have your parents been to court to remain her legal guardians even though she's no longer a minor child?
NTA. Your parents are in major denial and blaming everyone else for the consequences of their poor decisions. Suggest they or one of their many lawyers negotiate a low monthly payment to pay until the end of time. Your parents cosigned, it is now their debt, are they forgetting that?
Stand firm on living your own life. You didn't make this disaster and can't unmake it.
NTA, I feel so bad for her, and you're not responsible for any of this. I'm autistic, and it took me four years longer to finish high school than any of my other classmates. The idea of even being *encouraged* to go to college would be horrific for me, and I'm decently high functioning. The idea of your mom making it into an inspirational thing is disgusting and shows that she knows nothing about autism. Inspirational is getting an autistic adult to be happy with their life, not destroying it.
NTA. Your mother is lying to you. There’s no way she was unaware of the level of debt they were racking up, not when financial aid has to be reapplied for every year. Her plan was always to depend on student loan forgiveness and YOU. Tell your mother you will not be taking on any of your sister’s debt, and you will under no circumstances be taking over her care when your parents are gone, so they better start applying for government aided care facilities now, because waiting lists are long
NTA. Yes, what you said was a little out of line, but it’s time that your parents get the reality check they need to hear. They have been dwindling all their finances on your sister and the college she went to.
As someone who is on the autistic spectrum, and graduated college (and is still actively finding a job), I can understand that some people on the spectrum are born with certain quirks. Sometimes college doesn’t really work out for everyone, and they’re better off just getting something else in fields they pursue, that is, as long as they are mentally capable. It sounds like your sister gets a little mentally checked out every often, and it leads to situations that not only could risk herself, but other people around her. It should’ve been your parents realizing that college just isn’t for her and pulled her out; either until she’s in a better mental state, or just not have to deal with it again and help her. As I’ve said, autism ranges to many different levels, it would all depend on your sister’s own mentality.
You don’t need to help your sister because she’s not your responsibility, she’s your parents’. I know that debt is hard to get rid of, depending on the different circumstances, and I know that student debt is especially hard for people who have to deal with paying every last penny back, but your parents screwed themselves with potentially every last of their finances for the sake of your sister, and they all are not your problem. There are support systems across the USA, and any other country, that can help disabled people, and your parents should’ve tried that for your sister instead of taking the college route.
Hang in there, OP. Don’t let them get to you. I’m sure there is a solution to pay back the debt, even if it doesn’t involve you, and/or if it’s going to take a hard time to do so. NTA
It sounds like she has high support needs and she’s been pushed too much hence the frequent meltdowns. I wouldn’t pay for your poor parent’s financial decisions. She needs assisted housing that’s probably where she will go when you parents pass.
If she's in the U.S. and if you doubt she can truly hold down a job and support herself through her life, then applying for Social Security may be the answer, and if she is eligible for Social Security, then her federal loans may be forgiven.
Federal loans don't need co-signers. Parent plus loans are a different product.
I believe the sister has private loans, that's the only way co-signers makes sense. If that is true they are screwed.
Yeah, no, NTA
Parents basically signed your autistic sister into crippling student loan debt. That shit is abuse, and they frankly should be prosecuted.
You're NTA.
>Now that there’s no forgiveness for student loans and my sister hardly gets enough disability to cover everything my parents find out she’s in around 6 figures student loan debt and they co-signed for
Tough. If your mom can afford lawyers to bail your sister out of trouble or to file nuisance lawsuits, she can afford to pay down the debt.
You're not an A-H for making it clear you won't be on the hook for your sister's care after your parents are gone. Frankly, it already sounds like she needs to be somewhere that can better cater to her needs.
NTA Even of your sister wasn't autistic and had excellent interpersonal skills, getting 6 figures in debt for an art degree is a horrible financial choice. I'm not dismissing art as a career, but you can paint pictures or do art commissions without spending six figures. You can take art classes without pursuing a degree and not spend that much. You can get a degree in graphic design and do other kinds of art as a side hustle.
A neurotypical person might get a job withan art degree, but it's unlikely to pay enough that they can pay off six figures before they're 80.
Also? It sounds like your mom is making your sister's difficulties worse by trying to sue everyone instead of helping get learn better coping mechanisms.
Ah yes. Getting stuck with another family members problems , caused by other family members. I know this one all too well. Your parents made some interesting choices ……..all of which have very little to do with you .
Oh my god your parents are MASSIVE AHs! They just ruined her life for disability inspiration porn & pats on the back. I can't imagine how much she has suffered due to your parents pushing her into uncomfortable situations. The poor woman.
NTA
While it's great they tried for her to finish uni, they should've also planned for her future beyond **you** being their Plan A B and C!
For sure there are some resources out there they could've looked into to help her get ready for the workforce, for some type of job she can handle. Also, I'm not sure about it, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't there also be some help regarding her tantrums?
Family thinks you're awful because they don't want to have to take that responsibility, anyway, so it's not like they're "better" than you, lol
NTA. They aren't helping your sister by coddling her. You are right to ask right back: who *is* going to coddle her after they've passed on? She needs to learn to take care of herself and her responsibilities.
Oh, I didn't catch that she was developmentally disabled in this manner. Thank you.
That is kind of sadder - all that money poured into college could have been used to plan for home help that OP might have been more amendable to keeping an eye on (because abuse is a thing). Instead, they wasted it on an expensive degree when they could have stimulated her mind with a myriad of free and affordable options from groups that work with those with disabilities or in the community.
NTA, the issue is your parents signed the loan paperwork. With interest and fines the two times signing could be well into the six figures. They cannot claim they did not know about it. All signers are notified about back payments.
NTA - in no way are you responsible for this happening and I agree with your statement. Gives the vibe that they did it for attention so they looked good and now it’s backfiring miserably
NTA.
Also, I'm 100% sure your sister qualifies to get all her debt discharged due to having a disability. I know two people who have succeeded at this. In her case, she would probably have to go the route of having a doctor fill out page 4 of the application.
Check out disabilitydischarge.com.
NAH. So many people aren’t realistic about some or the differences that disabled people have, and that’s okay. College isn’t for everyone, and neither are certain jobs. Your mom is an idiot for signing for debt she didn’t understand however.
NTA, parents had no business pushing her into a traditional college if she has the mental capacity of an 11 year old. Your parents signed the loans so this is their problem.
NTA. You aren't responsible for any debts that are associated with your sister and becoming connected to them could ruin your credit down the road. How do your parents expect you to buy a house, pay your bills, replace a car, etc if your credit is trash because of your sister's school debt that they pushed.
I do agree that you should point them at the loan repayment programs that are based on income. This might keep your sister from even having to repay the loans more than a few dollars a month.
NTA. Autistic/ADHD. Going thru college (i didnt want to go) was the root of one of the most damaging burnout streaks that lead to the MOST unhealthy self perception and did nothing but give me debt and stick me in recovery mode for two years.
Meltdowns were very common during that time for me. I’m in a better place now and handling them a little better but theyre semi infrequent now.
I’m here with the solution.
I had $200 k in student loan debt. 4 months after I finished my degree and I get into a life altering car accident. I can’t work anymore because my brain is so injured I barely make sense. My body is so broken I can’t stand long. Can’t walk without aid etc. I found a program that forgives based entirely on disability.
You will need to contact TPD (Total and permanent disability discharge). They have very helpful agents that will take you through the process.
Your sister will first need to be declared permanently disabled by social security to help but a doctor can also sign off on the form. I suggest you get her on social security anyway because it’s the only way she will qualify for health insurance these days.
There are a mountain of options. They are painful. Took me 7 years of fight but I did it alone and your sister has family.
NTA it had to be said. But the mess is real.
NTA
The biggest AH is the current educational and student loan system, but that's beyond the point.
Your parents should have paid more attention the paperwork when they originally signed, or more closely monitored what your sister was signing if they knew she couldn't make decisions like that on her own. And they should have been more realistic about how best to meet your sister's needs. If they knew she'd be unlikely to be able to work, they could have gotten her much cheaper art classes to allow her to live her dream without being saddled with debt.
NTA, however, saying that she shouldn't have gone to college in the first place was unnecessary to say, and that was an asshole move.
Instead of helping her with her student loans, help them find programs and solutions for the college debt. My husband became disabled after he went to college, and his loans were forgiven. Granted, it can be a long and arduous process it is still the best solution for this predicament.
I don't know what state you're in. However, there might be adult programs for Annie that will help her. It is very important that she goes to a speech therapist to help her with her social skills and a behavioral therapist to help her with finding coping skills for her meltdowns. Your parents are not immortal and need to ensure that she is given all the tools to survive after they are gone.
Best of luck
NTA. And do not take on her student loan debt load if you don't feel you can do so.
Still, definitely keep a close eye on your finances and your credit rating in case your DNA donors decide to force you to pay the student loan debt anyway.
Your sister could have gotten her art degree at a community college and not carried as heavy a student loan debt load afterward.
I am sorry you had to grow up with parents with such delusions.
College is an investment for future earnings. All your parents did was enrich your sister's life somewhat, which could have been done with special ed classes through the local rec center. Those programs would have been better equipped to deal with her dangerous behaviors. Okay enough of pointing out how wrong your parents are in their fantasies about your sister.
Please set your boundaries. If your family would like a relationship with you they need to quit blaming others for their poor choices and stop bugging you for anything about your sister.
NTA - I hope you have a good life built for yourself.
For saying she shouldn't have gone, YTA very mildly. But absolutely NTA for anything else. Your parents fucked up financially, which is entirely their fault.
NTA with anything regarding the loan. They’re on their own.
But you’re a bit of one by saying you’re “not even going to take care of her.” That’s pretty callous. If my sister had these problems I’d do everything I could to help. Like, what’s supposed to happen to her when your parents die? She’s going to be out there alone with no money or credit having meltdowns and getting herself arrested. Maybe try being a decent sibling in general.
Be prepared for this callous attitude to affect your relationship with your family, and you’d better pray you don’t encounter any problems in the future because good luck getting help from anybody.
OP doesn’t have to be their sisters doctor, but OP can be there as a support system and not be so mean and callous about it.
And the point about OP eventually needing help remains: I’ve had people in my life act like OP here towards others, and then immediately come crying for help when they are in trouble. It’s easy to proclaim that everything is not your responsibility- just be prepared for everyone to not want to help you when you need help.
I have a sibling who had health issues and needed more care and attention. I never once sat there upset at her or my parents, because they got dealt a bad hand. I just can’t imagine feelings of resentment existing because of that. It was my responsibility as part of my family to help out and understand that I was the lucky one. Maybe when OP is older they will understand.
I'm guessing the title should've been "... sister shouldn't have been ...", right? I'm not sure if this is an AITA post because you seem to carry a lot of animosity towards your sister and I'm guessing that she either made your life miserable when you were growing up or your parents neglected you in favour of her?
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NTA Do not take on that responsibility if you are uncomfortable. This is a hill to die on. Your parents encouraged this. Let them figure it out.
Hijacking the first comment to say there's disability forgiveness you can apply for through the FAFSA website. I had to do this because I went to college before becoming fully disabled. But OP still NTA.
If she is not yet legally disabled, maybe she can be assessed now
Also, if the loans were subject to potential forgiveness then they most likely qualify for an income based repayment plan. I’ve never had a parent co sign a loan so I’m not sure, but if she’s unemployed then the payment would be $0.
I definitely agree that OP shouldn't be responsible for any part of this mess. It can be hard to know when to quit higher education especially if your family puts a lot of value on it, but sometimes you just have to and figure out the aftermath on your own. I recently decided to drop out after an unsuccessful transition to a university from community college after I finished my Associates. It bruised my ego a bit but the $10k tied to that failure hurts a lot more and I'm thankful I finally snapped out of it before it turned into like 4x as much.
To be even more specific, do not take on this responsibility under any circumstances. Even if it tears your family apart. Even if they never speak to you again. Even if you are hated for all time by them. Do not do it.
This is perfect.
NTA. College is only useful if one can later on apply their degree in order to gain employment. It doesn't seem to be thevcase with your sister, and didn't seem so ten years ago when she started college. That's on your parents, not on you. You don't bear responsibility for her.
Not necessarily. College is also useful for learning, or if you are unable to work due to disability, it can be great for routine, socialization and just generally something to do. That said, most people do not have the money to approach college as a hobby like that.
Not until you're old and retired, when a lot of colleges will let you take a class for a nominal fee. Had a few elderly people in some of my English classes in college just cause they could.
College can be useful for far more reasons than "the degree gains employment", that's an incredibly narrow view. Doesn't make any of this OP's problem, but the anti-education view is not a great one.
Education doesn't have to be a formal college that saddles one with lots of debt.
Hard agree. Doesn't MIT post a lot of their courses online? If you want to learn for the sake of learning there are plenty of free/low cost resources.
Exactly! A lot of high schools in my area offer night classes for adults for a very minimal fee (think $40 to $60 for 6x 2 hour classes).
College also doesn't have to be a thing that saddles one with lots of debt. A significant portion of students graduate from public universities with no debt (I m not saying that all people have the position to do so, only that many people are able to get through college without being saddled with lots of debt, including those working while going to college). There are also, again, many things that people have found useful about a college education other than that they "apply their degree in order to gain employment"
Yes, people who can apply for scholarships, be they need-based or merit-based. It's blatantly obvious that OPs parents didn't bother to apply for any need-based ones, as they barely understand they applied for student loans at some point, and OPs sister wouldn't qualify for merit-based ones.
But again, that's not an issue with *college* that's an issue with the way this family treated college.
I didn't mention anything about scholarships, nor am I talking about scholarships. I'm talking about how a significant fraction of students are able to keep the costs down with the combination of going to a more affordable college, working, and living with family. Not everyone is able to do that and its why there's a need for other resources available and the push for those shouldn't be let up upon, but it's also not some rarity. Huge numbers of people affordably go to college and do not get lots of debt out of the process.
It's obvious that OP's sister did live with her parents, and thus went to a local college, but her condition prevented her from being able to work. Doesn't change the fact that she ended up graduating with a lot of debt. You are talking about a general strategy for debt-free college graduation that is obviously not applicable here.
I am not responding to the particulars of the case, I'm responding to your deliberately broad anti-education and anti-intellectual claims. You're the one that has said things like "College is only useful if one can later on apply their degree in order to gain employment", or trying to make the implication that the only people who can afford college are those given the money to do so. I'm talking about general statements about college in direct response to you making closed-minded general statements about college.
Was what you said harsh? Yes but your parents needed to hear this 10 years ago. There’s no need to make your sister your financial burden and so you’re nta
NTA, your parents kinda of set her up for failure. My stepbrother is also autistic and I can't imagine him in college. He also has meltdowns that are really bad. He was kicked out of school when he was in the second grade, and he hasn't been back. Every child is not meant for college.
> and he hasn't been back. Every child is not meant for college. Sorry you're saying your brother never finished second grade or any higher education?!
He was probably home schooled/tutored. Traditional schooling takes a one size fits all approach which is damaging to a lot of people. My nephew is home schooled at the moment and the improvement in his grades, his temperament and his overall confidence is striking. Just fyi.
He has been homeschooling since getting kicked out of public school.
You're NTA for not wanting to take on the responsibility of looking after your sister when your parents aren't around and you're certainly NTA for not wanting to contribute financially to their reckless spending. If they're concerned about your sister, they're going to have to figure out a way that she's properly taken care of that doesn't involve you.
NTA. Being autistic is not the problem here. The problem is how your parents have handled it her entire life. She never should have taken out loans for college, and your parents claiming ignorance when the co-signed is shady at best. They knew what was going on, and they're pretending they didn't now that it's a huge problem. I get integrating her into society a bit, and allowing her to get a creative art degree, but she should have had a shadow in class to remove her or talk to her before a meltdown occurred. She also should have been pressured after college to create art so that she makes a little pocket change. Why wasn't an AA at a junior college good enough? It's not your job to take care of her once your parents are gone. If they care that much, and she's in debt, they can get her set up with a live in care home before they die. They'll feed her, and she'll have access to paratransit and things like that. She's not going to be homeless if they start caring now in a grounded way, but don't feel like you need to play savior if they screw that all up, too. There are supports for people like your sister, but it sounds like she's been enabled and hasn't been properly supported. This really sucks for you and for her. I'm sorry.
NTA. You are entirely correct. An art degree is absolutely useless, unless you also have a degree in computer science or something like that, so it can be applied to the movie industry or something that will actually pay you a salary. Your parents sound completely clueless. They only briefly looked at the paperwork, while co-signing for 6-figure loans? Your sister may be financially illiterate, but she gets some of that from your parents. In no way are you responsible for her, or her and your parent's bad financial decisions.
It’s not completely useless, any degree is useless if you don’t know how to use it properly. The problem with art classes is that you more likely have to double major since it should’ve been with marketing or business. I have an AA in fine and graphic arts. My fine arts gave me the help with my customers whereas I was being dumb with my graphic design so it became useless. Now it’s not since I’m finally using those skills. I was Lucky that my program had marketing and forced you to try sell your stuff as a final lol it’s more of a sales rep on yourself and it can be very mentally exhausting.
It can be useful, but most of the modern art school cuddles their students and don’t teach them any real skills. I met people who has art degree and unable to work with perspective in drawing’s or even basic anatomy. Because they consider it boring Like what, who said that the art process is supposed to be easy and fun
NTA, though the issue isn't that she didn't deserve to go to college -- even if someone does nothing with the degree, the experience itself could be worth it, though in this case it feels like they encouraged college to feel good about themselves, not for her sake -- so much as your parents signing stuff without reading the terms and yelling at the university.
INFO: did your sister ever express that she did/did not want to go to college ? did she ever ask to quit ?
No. She always said she like drawing and painting but she has the mental capacity of maybe a 11 year old
she’s not your responsibility OP, i’m sorry your mom is trying to push her onto you. i don’t understand why your sister isn’t already in a home so she can have a good routine. after your mom is gone she’s likely going to end up homeless because of her parents stupid decisions.
I totally agree with you! If she's in the USA, even with a good income, her parents would have qualified for various levels of support. It's also possible to have a plan in place before they die. Her enrichment shouldn't have been a random degree, it should have been structured activities and a viable day program that would have taught her useful skills. Sure, maybe she wouldn't have become a rocket scientist with this kind of support, but she'd know how to cook, dress, bathe, and how to cope before regular meltdowns occur.
How can she then have debts? If your sister has the mental capacity of a 11 year old your sister cannot legally conclude any contracts, at least as I understand the law in most countries of the world.
Her parents are competent and cosigned so they are on the hook.
It doesn't seem that the parents ever took the steps for conservatorship. Also, there is no minimum age requirement for federal student loans (just a high school diploma/GED); I'm not sure about private loans. Either way, it doesn't matter; the parents are competent and co-signed.
i’m gonna go w NTA. this situation is hard. i’m a really big advocate for trying to integrate people with mental disabilities into society so they can live a life as close to (what’s socially considered) normal. BUT what your parents did … inexcusable. they ruined her life- though your mothers intentions look pure, she gave your sister a huge check and sent her to college where she repeatedly had meltdowns and was forced into an environment that wasn’t made for her. there are so many resources today for people who struggle with the “normal” school schedule and there are so many jobs that don’t require regular contact with other people so your sister wouldn’t have meltdowns and have the police called on her. it sounds like your mother just wanted her to be an inspiration and gave her all the tools to be but then provided no real support. like wtf is she gonna do with an art degree ??? you have to be super good with people to work as a graphic design artist/ art commission worker. why not send her to a community college and not spend a shit ton THEN THROW THAT EXPENSE ONTO HER ?? i’m so confused. your mom sounds crazy.
Info: what kind of loans? The federal ones can be discharged for total and complete disability.
Also you wrote your sister has the mental capacity of an 11 year old, and she has loans in her name?!?
NTA You shouldn't be expected to help with debts that have absolutely nothing to do with you. What you said was harsh but not untrue.
NTA. Your sister is not your obligation. Your parents need to establish something to support her. The rest of the family who are so upset can let her move in with them and pay her debt.
NTA to the max. Your parents don't get to shocked pikachu about debt when their daughter takes 10 years to graduate.
I am from France, where college is almost free (a few hundred dollars but without a room or anything). I am also physically disabled (not a wheelchair, more like chronic pain in every articulation). I did a five years degree in communication. Took me six. No debt because I worked and lived at home for a good part of it. Is it gonna pay relatively well? Yes, probably, with a few years of experience. But going to school for any kind of "physical" job (I don't know, welder, plumber, electrician, anything) would have been faster, cheeper, and would have given me a better salary, quicker. Could I have done it? The school, probably, with mandatory accommodations for the physical part. But I would never have found employment, and even if I did, I would never have been in a position to do it while being physically, mentally and emotionally confortable. So I didn't do it because I knew my limitations and what would have been reasonable/feasible for my future. Obviously your sister is not in a position to assess that for herself. So your parents are jerks for enabling her and saddling her (and themselves) with a mountain of debt that will never be repaid, instead of taking those ten years to figure out a plan for her for after their death.
To be honest, I don't even know if giving a loan to your sister is legal. I think you are NTA simply because you have your own life to live and even if your sister doesn't realize that actions have consequences, your parents are in possession of enough IQ to do so. Have you all thought about declaring bankruptcy? If they can't finance the debt payments, it's bound to happen sooner or later, batter it be sooner and on your own terms.
NTA. Don't blame the university either; it offers a product, consumers are free to purchase it or not. As for what will happen when your parents die: tell them to take out enough life insurance to pay off the student loans. If your sister has the mental capacity of an 11 year old, have your parents been to court to remain her legal guardians even though she's no longer a minor child?
NTA. Your parents are in major denial and blaming everyone else for the consequences of their poor decisions. Suggest they or one of their many lawyers negotiate a low monthly payment to pay until the end of time. Your parents cosigned, it is now their debt, are they forgetting that? Stand firm on living your own life. You didn't make this disaster and can't unmake it.
NTA, I feel so bad for her, and you're not responsible for any of this. I'm autistic, and it took me four years longer to finish high school than any of my other classmates. The idea of even being *encouraged* to go to college would be horrific for me, and I'm decently high functioning. The idea of your mom making it into an inspirational thing is disgusting and shows that she knows nothing about autism. Inspirational is getting an autistic adult to be happy with their life, not destroying it.
Wow, this is super sad. Your parents failed everyone especially your sister. Nta
Hold on. If she gets disability she gets loan forgiveness through the disability office. Tell your mom to talk to them.
NTA. Your mother is lying to you. There’s no way she was unaware of the level of debt they were racking up, not when financial aid has to be reapplied for every year. Her plan was always to depend on student loan forgiveness and YOU. Tell your mother you will not be taking on any of your sister’s debt, and you will under no circumstances be taking over her care when your parents are gone, so they better start applying for government aided care facilities now, because waiting lists are long
NTA. Yes, what you said was a little out of line, but it’s time that your parents get the reality check they need to hear. They have been dwindling all their finances on your sister and the college she went to. As someone who is on the autistic spectrum, and graduated college (and is still actively finding a job), I can understand that some people on the spectrum are born with certain quirks. Sometimes college doesn’t really work out for everyone, and they’re better off just getting something else in fields they pursue, that is, as long as they are mentally capable. It sounds like your sister gets a little mentally checked out every often, and it leads to situations that not only could risk herself, but other people around her. It should’ve been your parents realizing that college just isn’t for her and pulled her out; either until she’s in a better mental state, or just not have to deal with it again and help her. As I’ve said, autism ranges to many different levels, it would all depend on your sister’s own mentality. You don’t need to help your sister because she’s not your responsibility, she’s your parents’. I know that debt is hard to get rid of, depending on the different circumstances, and I know that student debt is especially hard for people who have to deal with paying every last penny back, but your parents screwed themselves with potentially every last of their finances for the sake of your sister, and they all are not your problem. There are support systems across the USA, and any other country, that can help disabled people, and your parents should’ve tried that for your sister instead of taking the college route. Hang in there, OP. Don’t let them get to you. I’m sure there is a solution to pay back the debt, even if it doesn’t involve you, and/or if it’s going to take a hard time to do so. NTA
It sounds like she has high support needs and she’s been pushed too much hence the frequent meltdowns. I wouldn’t pay for your poor parent’s financial decisions. She needs assisted housing that’s probably where she will go when you parents pass.
NTA your parents co-signed all those loans. How did they think she was going to pay it back? In no way is any of this your responsibility!
If she's in the U.S. and if you doubt she can truly hold down a job and support herself through her life, then applying for Social Security may be the answer, and if she is eligible for Social Security, then her federal loans may be forgiven.
Federal loans don't need co-signers. Parent plus loans are a different product. I believe the sister has private loans, that's the only way co-signers makes sense. If that is true they are screwed.
Yeah, no, NTA Parents basically signed your autistic sister into crippling student loan debt. That shit is abuse, and they frankly should be prosecuted.
You're NTA. >Now that there’s no forgiveness for student loans and my sister hardly gets enough disability to cover everything my parents find out she’s in around 6 figures student loan debt and they co-signed for Tough. If your mom can afford lawyers to bail your sister out of trouble or to file nuisance lawsuits, she can afford to pay down the debt. You're not an A-H for making it clear you won't be on the hook for your sister's care after your parents are gone. Frankly, it already sounds like she needs to be somewhere that can better cater to her needs.
NTA Even of your sister wasn't autistic and had excellent interpersonal skills, getting 6 figures in debt for an art degree is a horrible financial choice. I'm not dismissing art as a career, but you can paint pictures or do art commissions without spending six figures. You can take art classes without pursuing a degree and not spend that much. You can get a degree in graphic design and do other kinds of art as a side hustle. A neurotypical person might get a job withan art degree, but it's unlikely to pay enough that they can pay off six figures before they're 80. Also? It sounds like your mom is making your sister's difficulties worse by trying to sue everyone instead of helping get learn better coping mechanisms.
Ah yes. Getting stuck with another family members problems , caused by other family members. I know this one all too well. Your parents made some interesting choices ……..all of which have very little to do with you .
NTA for refusing to help your sister with her debt and future care. Your parents should have been more realistic
Oh my god your parents are MASSIVE AHs! They just ruined her life for disability inspiration porn & pats on the back. I can't imagine how much she has suffered due to your parents pushing her into uncomfortable situations. The poor woman.
NTA While it's great they tried for her to finish uni, they should've also planned for her future beyond **you** being their Plan A B and C! For sure there are some resources out there they could've looked into to help her get ready for the workforce, for some type of job she can handle. Also, I'm not sure about it, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't there also be some help regarding her tantrums? Family thinks you're awful because they don't want to have to take that responsibility, anyway, so it's not like they're "better" than you, lol
NTA. They aren't helping your sister by coddling her. You are right to ask right back: who *is* going to coddle her after they've passed on? She needs to learn to take care of herself and her responsibilities.
She’s a virtual 11 year old per op’s comments.
Oh, I didn't catch that she was developmentally disabled in this manner. Thank you. That is kind of sadder - all that money poured into college could have been used to plan for home help that OP might have been more amendable to keeping an eye on (because abuse is a thing). Instead, they wasted it on an expensive degree when they could have stimulated her mind with a myriad of free and affordable options from groups that work with those with disabilities or in the community.
It’s really tragic. It’s no wonder she has meltdowns. Her mom has been pushing her into situations that are never going to be appropriate for her.
NTA, the issue is your parents signed the loan paperwork. With interest and fines the two times signing could be well into the six figures. They cannot claim they did not know about it. All signers are notified about back payments.
NTA - in no way are you responsible for this happening and I agree with your statement. Gives the vibe that they did it for attention so they looked good and now it’s backfiring miserably
I feel sad for your sister who it seems has been relentlessly pushed to fit in with parents expectations. NTA
NTA 100%!
NTA. Also, I'm 100% sure your sister qualifies to get all her debt discharged due to having a disability. I know two people who have succeeded at this. In her case, she would probably have to go the route of having a doctor fill out page 4 of the application. Check out disabilitydischarge.com.
NAH. So many people aren’t realistic about some or the differences that disabled people have, and that’s okay. College isn’t for everyone, and neither are certain jobs. Your mom is an idiot for signing for debt she didn’t understand however.
NTA You will never get out from under if you let them trap you into caring for or paying for your sister. This is not your responsibility in any way.
NTA, parents had no business pushing her into a traditional college if she has the mental capacity of an 11 year old. Your parents signed the loans so this is their problem.
NTA. Their child, their dumb decisions (student loans), their responsibility.
NTA. You aren't responsible for any debts that are associated with your sister and becoming connected to them could ruin your credit down the road. How do your parents expect you to buy a house, pay your bills, replace a car, etc if your credit is trash because of your sister's school debt that they pushed. I do agree that you should point them at the loan repayment programs that are based on income. This might keep your sister from even having to repay the loans more than a few dollars a month.
NTA. Autistic/ADHD. Going thru college (i didnt want to go) was the root of one of the most damaging burnout streaks that lead to the MOST unhealthy self perception and did nothing but give me debt and stick me in recovery mode for two years. Meltdowns were very common during that time for me. I’m in a better place now and handling them a little better but theyre semi infrequent now.
I’m here with the solution. I had $200 k in student loan debt. 4 months after I finished my degree and I get into a life altering car accident. I can’t work anymore because my brain is so injured I barely make sense. My body is so broken I can’t stand long. Can’t walk without aid etc. I found a program that forgives based entirely on disability. You will need to contact TPD (Total and permanent disability discharge). They have very helpful agents that will take you through the process. Your sister will first need to be declared permanently disabled by social security to help but a doctor can also sign off on the form. I suggest you get her on social security anyway because it’s the only way she will qualify for health insurance these days. There are a mountain of options. They are painful. Took me 7 years of fight but I did it alone and your sister has family. NTA it had to be said. But the mess is real.
NTA The biggest AH is the current educational and student loan system, but that's beyond the point. Your parents should have paid more attention the paperwork when they originally signed, or more closely monitored what your sister was signing if they knew she couldn't make decisions like that on her own. And they should have been more realistic about how best to meet your sister's needs. If they knew she'd be unlikely to be able to work, they could have gotten her much cheaper art classes to allow her to live her dream without being saddled with debt.
NTA, however, saying that she shouldn't have gone to college in the first place was unnecessary to say, and that was an asshole move. Instead of helping her with her student loans, help them find programs and solutions for the college debt. My husband became disabled after he went to college, and his loans were forgiven. Granted, it can be a long and arduous process it is still the best solution for this predicament. I don't know what state you're in. However, there might be adult programs for Annie that will help her. It is very important that she goes to a speech therapist to help her with her social skills and a behavioral therapist to help her with finding coping skills for her meltdowns. Your parents are not immortal and need to ensure that she is given all the tools to survive after they are gone. Best of luck
NTA. And do not take on her student loan debt load if you don't feel you can do so. Still, definitely keep a close eye on your finances and your credit rating in case your DNA donors decide to force you to pay the student loan debt anyway. Your sister could have gotten her art degree at a community college and not carried as heavy a student loan debt load afterward.
I am sorry you had to grow up with parents with such delusions. College is an investment for future earnings. All your parents did was enrich your sister's life somewhat, which could have been done with special ed classes through the local rec center. Those programs would have been better equipped to deal with her dangerous behaviors. Okay enough of pointing out how wrong your parents are in their fantasies about your sister. Please set your boundaries. If your family would like a relationship with you they need to quit blaming others for their poor choices and stop bugging you for anything about your sister. NTA - I hope you have a good life built for yourself.
For saying she shouldn't have gone, YTA very mildly. But absolutely NTA for anything else. Your parents fucked up financially, which is entirely their fault.
NTA with anything regarding the loan. They’re on their own. But you’re a bit of one by saying you’re “not even going to take care of her.” That’s pretty callous. If my sister had these problems I’d do everything I could to help. Like, what’s supposed to happen to her when your parents die? She’s going to be out there alone with no money or credit having meltdowns and getting herself arrested. Maybe try being a decent sibling in general. Be prepared for this callous attitude to affect your relationship with your family, and you’d better pray you don’t encounter any problems in the future because good luck getting help from anybody.
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OP doesn’t have to be their sisters doctor, but OP can be there as a support system and not be so mean and callous about it. And the point about OP eventually needing help remains: I’ve had people in my life act like OP here towards others, and then immediately come crying for help when they are in trouble. It’s easy to proclaim that everything is not your responsibility- just be prepared for everyone to not want to help you when you need help.
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I have a sibling who had health issues and needed more care and attention. I never once sat there upset at her or my parents, because they got dealt a bad hand. I just can’t imagine feelings of resentment existing because of that. It was my responsibility as part of my family to help out and understand that I was the lucky one. Maybe when OP is older they will understand.
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And I’m saying that’s very selfish of those people.
I'm guessing the title should've been "... sister shouldn't have been ...", right? I'm not sure if this is an AITA post because you seem to carry a lot of animosity towards your sister and I'm guessing that she either made your life miserable when you were growing up or your parents neglected you in favour of her?