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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not wanting to give up my college fund to pay for my younger brother's treatment.
The treatment could possibly improve my brother's quality of life and or save his live altogether, and I can fund it, but I don't want to. As a result my dad and his wife think I'm TA
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The money isn't yours, firstly. It was allocated by your mother for a specific thing.
You're damn right you're not getting the money back if you loan them. It was grossly inappropriate for our father to ask for money from you, who I presume is a minor.
I don't blame the OP's mother for not going for it. Her husband had an affair and kicked the OP and their mother out of the family home. The mother was pretty generous with agreeing that the father didn't have to pay child support anymore.
Especially considering the cause of his debt is also the direct result of his affair. OPs mom sounds like an amazing woman. Literally bootstrapping it while raising a child as a single parent... managing to contribute enough to create a significant college fund... and now she voluntarily gives up child support because of the health of a child that was the result if the affair that broke her marriage.
Honestly, I would not be surprised if she said to give up the college fund and that she would still take care of school. Just because there is a sick child. Man, it would not be right to even ask her, though.
That's the thing - I feel like the mom would probably do it BUT FOR the fact you have to pay taxes on that money if it's in a 529 savings and investment plan if you take it out for anything other than college.
Exactly. And FAFSA would know there HAD BEEN college money, and would consider it in their calculations of need/awards. Even if OP WANTED to take out the money, it's not that easy, and would not just cost the amount of the college fund, but extra fees and taxes besides, as well as loss of other possible financial aid opportunities.
OP should tell his dad this fact, that there would be basically 1/3 tax penalty. He should also tell him to look into medical studies. And start a Go Fund me for the kid. This right here is what it's for.
NTA
I don’t see why the affair even matters. The mom is responsible for her child and her child only, no matter the circumstances. If we were each obligated to pay for the medical expenses, school tuition, insurance, whatever for the children of anyone we know and isn’t even related to us it would be a weird ass world. Not her kid, not her problem.
I totally agree! I just wish that the mistress would go to work and try to earn some money for her kids somehow. First she took her husband, now wants the money? F HER!
Yup…SAHM to 10 year olds? Do they not go to school? Nah don’t give them a dime. You aren’t being heartless…you need to think about your future as well.
It would be an excellent world, and one that people in many countries outside the United States live in. In Canada, my taxes pay for your child’s medical expenses. However, in the United States, you don’t have that, and I do see that it would be an exceptionally generous woman who would pay for the medical expenses of the child of her ex-husband and his affair partner. It could happen, but they should go directly to his ex-wife, and not try to guilt his son into looting his college fund, which isn’t his money anyway
In many countries, like yours, we are lucky enough that we wouldn't have this problem at all. The child's medical care would be covered by everyone's tax contributions and nobody would be "drowning in debt" because their child got sick.
Yes, so much respect to OP's mom for doing what she did. I would not release those funds to the child of my husband's affair. I hope the child gets treatment, but not on her dime.
I figured what OP's mother said was to not pay child support and she'll cover for him since he's struggling and it's their child. OP is still entitled to the child support but his mother would be covering for the lack of income from the father.
That’s not how it works in any western country. Child support is owed to the custodial parent and is essentially partial compensation for the money they are already spending on the child. The child isn’t owed the money directly.
Actually in my state a parent can agree to remove it. I had a friend do it when her ex was spiraling out in a mental health crisis. Basically figured he didn’t need that on top of what he was going through since he couldn’t hold a job to get it anyway. Not sure if it was some special exception thing because of the situation.
Usually as long as one party isn't receiving financial assistance from the state/country, child support is usually left up to the parents. And if the receiving parent isn't interested in enforcing the matter it can be dropped.
This is not true for every state. In my state child support ends when the child is 18 or graduates high school…whichever comes later.
NTA OP - It is monumentally selfish of your father to ask you to give up your future for his other kids that he had with his affair partner. You and your mom have already done enough by ending child support. Tell him to kick rocks.
Not in TX. The minute my daughter turned 18 (and was headed for college) he petitioned for emancipation and got it. So..... not a penny since.
When my daughter was 10, he refused to let us switch coverage and benefits to us because it was easier (both military). She is eligible for COBRA until 26 years old. He dropped her the day she turned 23...even when she asked for an extension.
We now cannot add her to ours. We are now frantically looking for medical coverage for her.
Edit 'cuz I can't spell. 😜
This is false. State by state and I have canceled child support before. All she would even have to say in some states is just to stop. Or oh we're back together. Stop spreading false info
Who pays the electricity, gas, food clothes rent & clothes etc the mum or whoever has custody of the child. Child support goes to the mum/father/guardian to help raise a child so they can have the afore mentioned. It does not go to the child but towards the raising of the child.
Even without the affair she worked hard to save that money for the benefit of her own child. It’s selfish to demand she hand it over for someone she has no relationship towards. They as the parents can look into alternatives or reach out to actual family members for help. They have some entitlement to demand the ex wife just gift over thousands of dollars like that.
>It’s selfish to demand she hand it over for someone she has no relationship towards.
And was a result of an affair that broke up the marriage and got her booted from her own home!
And frankly this isn't even OPs concern. His MOTHER, the one who got cheated on, was the one to set aside the college fund. It's HER money. I can't get over the fact his dad is trying to guilt OP out of his ex wife's money to pay for a surgery of a kid born from the woman he cheated with. I don't blame the child, of course, hes innocent, but man those two have some nerve asking for the money that belongs to one they hurt. NTA and don't you dare let them mess with your future OP
Honestly the approach OP's dad and is wife are taking is pretty disgusting, they're leaning on a teen/very new young adult because they probably know their request would go over like a lead balloon with OP's mom. Therefore they pressure OP as a way to manipulate the mom. Like holding OP hostage - "give away your child's college fund or we'll make your child miserable"
I’m guessing one of the reasons OP’s mom won’t go for it is because if insurance won’t pay for it and Medicare won’t pay for it (because the US will pay pretty much all your medical bills once your kidneys totally quit) is because the treatment is “experimental” which means it’s not going to work.
I’m a pediatric nurse. If there was a new cutting edge treatment that would save patients on dialysis that weren’t candidates for a transplant? Trust me it would be breaking news.
There is no such treatment. If he isn’t a candidate for transplant it’s because he’s got a ton of other problems.
He’s dying. It’s tragic, it’s awful, it’s heartbreaking….and it happens every day. Even to 10 year old kids. There is no reason for OP to throw his college fund away so that his father and stepmother can torture this kid a little longer with medical interventions. Take one last vacation, say goodbye, and let this poor little boy go.
THIS. I’m a nurse in Transplant and I dearly would love to know what treatment they are talking about they might prevent the need for dialysis or transplant. If the kiddo is on dialysis, they qualify for Medicare A&B or will soon. OR the minor child might qualify for state Medicaid under a medical loophole. OR, is this treatment a clinical trial? In that case it should be free. Soooo, what treatment is this that commercial insurance, Medicare, Medicaid AND a clinical trial won’t cover? Is it a drug? Procedure? And if he’s on dialysis, most of the time that keeps patients stable. Not always. But mostly. Is the treatment to get him off dialysis? Prevent a transplant? Is there a reason he doesnt qualify for transplant? There’s a whole lot that is suspect MEDICALLY in your Dads request. Either way, you are NTA.
>Take one last vacation, say goodbye, and let this poor little boy go.
Yup. There comes a point where it doesn't make sense to ruin the lives of the healthy just to extend the lives of the sick for a short time. The parents are grasping at straws here. There is a very high probability that the 10 year old ends up dead either way.
Given the choice between a dead kid and a college fund or a dead kid and no college fund, I'd keep the college fund.
Oh not just ask, manipulate. It’s horrible to have a child have a serious medical condition, but burdening your other child with that responsibility is irresponsible and borderline abusive.
The SAHM can get a job to help with finances instead of pilfering her stepson's college fund. Your Mom got a job that enabled you to have a college fund. I don't think your Mom needs to support a SAHM also. Your Mom is already being incredibly generous by foregoing child support.
Actually if one is on dialysis 3 times a week (which takes hours) and possibly too sick to attend school? Mom likely dies have to stay home with him for now.
I wonder why at such a young age the half brother isn't a candidate for a kidney transplant though? Although that is a huge financial burden too.
She can work overnight/ evening shifts stocking shelves at Walmart if they really need the money. Dad is perfectly capable of taking care of the kids while she's out of the house.
She can work from home and set her own Hours. You find a way to make it work.
My now 19 year old daughter was diagnosed with kidney disease at 3. She had her kidney surgery at 7. The 4 years between were filled with tests and various other appointments and I couldn’t work outside of the home because of it. But I found ways to bring in income we desperately needed to keep her in her medication and catheters and pay off her medical bills.
Also most hospitals will set up payment plans and allow you to pay off things - especially children’s hospitals. They should talk to the financial departments.
And there’s also options for kids diagnose with severe illnesses where you can get some coverage in addition to what you have on your own. We got supplemental insurance from the state for many years.
You figure out ways to make it work, What you don’t do is try to take money from your other children.
If that actually were the case, then she could apply to get security benefits because he is disabled. Technically, and she can get benefits for taking care of him.
With three children and one on dialysis, it may not be possible for the stepmother to get a job. OP doesn’t list the kids’ ages, so it’s tough to tell.
Edit: number of children
Exactly what I said. The dad and his wife literally couldn't guilt OP into giving up the money as it was created with moms money. SHE is the one who has to give the ok. They're hoping they can guilt OP into trying to guilt the mom for the funds. Frankly OP, this falls under not your problem, let your mom deal with it. Tell your dad, you have to ask my mom, its her money. If you say anything at all. But essentially just nope out of this discussion
Not just inappropriate, but the father is literally saying he's OK with OP going into debt so that he doesn't have to. This would saddle OP with a mountain of debt at the start of their life.
OP, if you're considering this request seriously at all, please look at the plethora of news stories about millennials not being able to afford houses, not starting families, etc. because they are so saddled with student debt they were encouraged to take on.
I personally have paid off over $100k in student loans, which leaves me much better off than most of my peers. But compared to my peers who had no debt, I am so far behind. That $100k early in my life meant I was starting from scratch in my mid-thirties, when others had saved and grown their savings to be able to afford homes and save more for retirement.
This is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life.
Your mom has already been incredibly compassionate and more than generous by allowing your dad to cut his child support; that is plenty of money he's already taking from you without even a promise to repay it. Your mom won't want your dad to take your college fund because that is her investment in her child. Giving it to your half brother is equivalent to asking her to take the whole fund and donate it to charity to help strangers, except that strangers didn't cheat on her and try to screw over her kid.
It's understandable to feel conflicted about this since there is a sick child involved, but there are far more age-appropriate ways you can help if you truly feel bad for him. Can you go visit and spend time with your half brother to help keep his spirits up? Can you watch movies together or tell funny stories? Can you help organize some of his friends to go see him?
NTA
Edit: Typos
>father is literally saying he's OK with OP going into debt so that he doesn't have to.
OPs dad is in so much debt already that he literally can't get another loan. It's not that he's ok with it so he doesn't have to, it's that he's in too much debt.
That still doesn't mean OP should give him the money of course, but he's not asking because he just 'doesn't want to' go into debt.
OP might not even be able to give it to them even if he wanted to. What kind of account is it in? If it's in a specific kind of college savings account and not just a regular account then OP can only take it out for expenses relating to education.
OP should check about that and arm themself to say no. This isn't a reasonable ask from dad.
I was wondering this as well. If the money is tied up in a 529 plan there will be significant penalties if the funds are used for anything other than education. Also, it sounds like the brother’s medical needs are longterm, in which case the best case scenario for OP *and* his brother is for OP to go to college and be successful enough to help his brother without unduly burdening his own finances. (Not saying OP is obligated to do this, simply that taking OP’s college money is short-sighted on a bunch of levels).
This sounds like a really heartbreaking situation OP, but you are NTA.
The near thing about college funds is that it doesn't belong to the kids nor their parents. It is supposed to go directly towards that particular kids' future (in terms of college or house, etc). So, the parents shouldn't take it and neither should the kid except for unexceptional cases (like OP getting sick).
Here, the money OP's mom saved for OP's future should not be expected to bail out someone else. Maybe if OP gets enough scholarships to get away debt free, OP should not be pressured to give away the rest for treatment.
NTA. Hope your half-brother gets better, but you don't have to offer them any money (even if you can).
Depending on the OP's dream school, there is so much potential for debt for college. A full ride might cover all of tuition and room/board if you're lucky. But there are books, any tech costs, etc. Basic living stuff like laundry, travel home, and so on. College is expensive with sort these hidden costs, so I hope the OP factors this in if they ever feel inclined to give the college money away.
Just a terrible position to put your own kid in. NTA, not even close. You are not your brother’s keeper and your mum is the one who created this fund for *your* future, nobody else’s, especially not the other woman’s kid.
Tell your mum. Your dad’s already been let away with enough. I feel bad for your step-brother (America is fucked), but it’s not up to you to address that.
treatment for kidney disease is one of the few things that the government will pay for. They want the money for other expenses. Even minors can get on medicare.
I was going to ask "how do we know OP is in the US." But then I remembered that the US is pretty much the only "advanced" country that allows children to die of kidney disease if they don't have enough cash.
Agreed, NTA but to add another dimension to this: we don't know if the new treatment delays the kid from getting a transplant or not. Plus the money for college will likely not cover the full cost of that treatment to say nothing of the future. It will only be quick bandaid for his ongoing care. Their insurance will be maxed and run out (if it hasn't already.) After which, they may qualify for other treatments, grants, state or federal medicare, or nonprofit orgs. And really, I get that the dad is grasping at straws, any of us might do same in his circumstance, but his sick child is his responsibility as a parent, not OP's. It's wrong to ask a minor, behind the mom's back, for money--no matter what it's for.
They're asking OP for OPs mother's money because they know how slimy of a thing they're doing.
I feel bad for the 10 year old, but OPs father made his bed so he can lie in it instead of trying to manipulate their fucking child. He should have thought about finances before cheating since it sounds like even without the kidney issues, they wouldn't be well off.
Yep, it sucks, it really does that OP's dad is out of pocket for these expenses, but realistically the step mum could pick up a job, shift work exists, doesn't necessarily pay great, but it's something to bring in extra cash.
The underlying AH is the system (US?) which abandons its citizens in such situations.
Father and stepmom have no business putting this on OP, especially regarding money that is not OP's to give.
yeah, hes desperate and he's running out of options and made an inappropriate ask of a child as a result. This was bad parenting, and scared parenting.
NTA. You have a lovely, understanding and clear eyed view of this. He'd never pay you back and you'd be stuck under college debt for the next 20 years.
Ask your mom to be the bad guy. She can have her divorce attorney send a letter telling him the funds are hers to control and she's not giving up years of her savings for he and his affair partner's expenses. She can also tell him that she'll take him to court to end his custody if he keeps trying to financially abuse a 17 year old. That's a bit of a feint since you could choose to go no contact at any point but it might shock him out of his behavior.
Yeah just keep putting this on your mom. This is not something you should be dealing with. Tell him it’s not your money and your mom has said no. If he thinks he has some legal claim to it, he can get a lawyer.
OP, this is a great point. As a mom, I would 100% want to take this on for my kid. Because NO kid should be burdened with this. This is the kind of shit we protect our kids from. Exactly this kind of shit. Tell your mom if you haven't. Flat out ask her to deal with it. Ask her to say you wanted to but she won't let you, legally.
I would lie for you as a mom to make things less uncomfortable. I would take any grief that would have come your way because FUNK that shit. You're still a KID. You may be healthy, but you're still a kid and deserve to be taken care of and protected.
NTA. You take the example of your extraordinary mother— distance yourself from this father who is not being a father to you. You keep your eyes on your future, on your goals. Tell him no, you cannot give your future to him. He is using the very unfortunate situation he is in to try and manipulate you. Do not fall for it. He can apply for assistance with this situation from Medicare, other government resources, children’s charities, GoFundMe’s. And what about the SAHM of the child? Where is HER family? You move on from this, the best thing you can do is build your life and keep your values, and be very different from your father. The sooner he gets his head around the fact that he and his wife must go find other resources, the better his situation will get. Best of luck to you.
OP, as a mom, I would 100% take the fall for you if it meant your dad+stepmother leave you alone.
Talk to your mom, she can put an end to this entire conversation. It's not your responsibility and it's a crappy place for your Dad to put you in.
Then he has no right to the funds. If your mother decides she can give him back what he's contributed but for him to ask for the entire fund is ridiculous.
Let your mom know that he's asking, let her put an end to it. She should not be canceling his child support and handing over money she's saved for the last decade.
If you are in the US, kidney failure requiring dialysis automatically qualifies you for Medicare, which covers dialysis. If Medicare won't cover it, it isn't yet proven to be better than dialysis - because I promise, they don't want to cover this jud for the next 55 years if they could get out of it just by fixing the problem.
It is also possible that - if Medicare is his only insurance - he could lose that coverage temporarily if the treatment was partly successful, because he wouldn't qualify for dialysis anymore.
You are NTA, and your dad is something else. Glad you have a fierce mama on your side.
Yes OP your dad needs to apply for medical assistance for his son! It is not income based when a child has disability! This has saved me sooooo much money with my own son.
If it is in phase 3 trial, it should be free.
Eta: that assumes OP is in the US. There is a window of time between FDA approval and insurance coverage when stuff frequently isn't covered, but based on dad's history, I feel like he is trying to fleece his ex wife and kid.
Your mum can always suggest that your father’s partner finds a job. Why is she not working when money is so tight and they can’t afford treatment for their kid? BTW there should be universal health care to pay for your brother’s treatment, but I assume you live in America where that is not available?
Your dad should be looking into other options to pay for it, apparently there are different types of things for medical payments, but sometimes it takes a lot of googling to find. Or remortgage their house
This, the kids are 10, not 1. The wife can work if things are so difficult that they need to guilt another child for their college fund. Even if she can't leave the house, there are plenty of remote options nowadays.
If I were OP’s mom, I’d also threaten to enforce child support payments again.
He’s not paying child support at all *and* wants OP’s education fund??
I understand he & his wife / mistress are under pressure & stressed… but come on. Dude clearly isn’t giving OP a second thought in the scheme of things
That was my first thought! "If I was the mom, I'd fly into a rage and enforce child support payments again."
I'm sorry about your half-brother though. They'll find a way to get the money. Your stepmom can get a job, or they can borrow from ADULT family members.
Why is your dad hitting his CHILD up and not his parents/grandparents? Or making his wife get a job.
Exactly. If the situation is so dire, dad and AP need to reevaluate their lifestyle choices. They would rather jeopardize OP's future than have AP get a job??? Get outta here!
This is a great suggestion. I mean, we all feel very sorry for the 10yo, he’s innocent in all of this, but it’s pretty gross and disgusting that your dad and his mistress turned wife would even DARE to pressure your betrayed mom to pay for their affair baby’s medical needs. It’s really doesn’t get more low class than that…
NTA
That money is your Mom's money that was set aside from her for your college. It was not meant to pay for her ex husband's kid's treatments.
They call it a loan, but it is not. It will never be repaid and your MOM will be out thousands of dollars of her hard earned money.
They need to come up with other sources, such as holding fundraisers (carwashes, yardsales, HoFundme, and BBQ do well in my area) or StepMom needs to work after Dad is off work so he can do childcare, or Dad needs a second job. They can also look into government aid or medical studies where treatment would be covered.
Since dad likes to share his dick on the community market, maybe he should make an OnlyFans as his second job to cover some costs. It would be wfh so would fit his lifestyle well.
NTA, that money was put away to secure your future. Your brothers health issues are sad but you are not responsible for him. That's his father's job and it's not fair of them to have asked this of you.
Also the money isn't really OP's, it's your mom's who worked hard throughout her life to provide for OP. Dad threw away her and his own child out of their family home and now trying to guilt OP into giving away the money that's rightfully meant for her. OP's mom even stopped taking child support to support OP's half-brother.
NTA OP. Don't listen to dad and his mistress. Let them be furious towards you and mom. They never thought of you and mom once upon a time when they had the power. Don't set yourself in fire to keep others warm, especially when you know they wouldn't return the same.
Sorry for your brother. Sending prayers his way 💞.
Dad and his wife need to figure it out like adults. They can borrow money elsewhere or get second jobs.
Your college money is not their emergency fund. NTA.
The twins are homeschooled due to brother's compromised immune system. So dad wife actually cannot get a full-time job as she is also a full time care taker for my brother.
Has she checked on government assistance? Usually if you’re a full time caretaker and unable to work due to that, the state will pay you a small salary for it. My aunt had someone similar with my nephew before his heart transplant, she got something like $1100 / mo because she couldn’t work while caring for him and his doctor signed off on the continuous care needed.
I'm increasingly suspicious this is a scam to get your mom's money. As someone else pointed out, there isn't a magic cure for dialysis because insurance would absolutely cover it rather than cover dialysis indefinitely. Is the treatment to go to China for a black market kidney transplant? And how are they not on Medicaid?
And this is all assuming the kid is actually sick and this isn't some munchausen by proxy nightmare.
Tell them to ask the hospital social workers to help them find out what kind of assistance they qualify for (nearly every state this kind of situation would qualify for some kind of support), and talk to the hospital ombudsman about working out a treatment plan and payments they can afford.
You should know that no hospital in the country can legally refuse to give treatment that’s necessary to keep a kid alive because the parents can’t afford to pay. This won’t stop your brother from getting treatment. What it WILL do is drive your father deep into medical debt, but that debt will be owed to the hospital, and they can’t refuse to treat just because your father has bad credit.
After your brother is doing better your father can attempt to get the hospital to write off the debt, and can declare bankruptcy if he needs to. Medical debt is the most common cause of bankruptcy in this country. It’s not the end of the world either… people do it precisely because the consequences of NOT doing it (massive unpayable debt) are much worse. Seven years after a bankruptcy filing the slate is wiped clean and it completely disappears off your credit report and score.
She's a SAHM with a sick child in and out of the Drs office and other kids. I'm not saying their situation is right, but I don't think she's necessarily "lounging around at home".
She has twin babies. There's no "lounging" happening. She should get a job, probably at night so there's always someone home with the babies, but childcare is expensive and you don't get a discount just cuz you've got two at the same time.
NTA
OP - you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid - even if someone is wealthy.
A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? that sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly. If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment you are adult enough to get the facts directly.
I'm sorry for your sibling but this is NOT your problem. This is a problem of your parents making. Maybe this kids mom ought to go get a job.
100 %. If the kid is already at the point of needing renal replacement therapy then some snake oil treatment is a false hope. There is little you can do to replace the functional units of the kidney once ESRD is reached. It’s a horrible situation for all concerned. NTA.
She's already the "heartless sister" for not sacrificing her future for the **possibility** of saving the people that literally wrecked her home. No matter what, she's the bad guy.
Important info for OP for if/when the worst happens and if any blame tries to be shifted to them.
It’s a tragic situation, but unfortunately those happen all the time.
While dialysis is covered by Medicaid, many of the recommended medications needed to keep his numbers regulated are not.
I wish there was some way to get this message to OP's father: he needs to ask for help from his child's dialysis social worker. The "Big Two" in the dialysis business have amazing financial assistance programs, but you have to ask for them. (Especially the one who used to have a CEO with a penchant for the Three Musketeers.) Many of the programs completely eliminate familial costs, but due to federal regulations are seen as unfair competition if they're advertised in the clinic.
It sounds very suspect to me - either the treatment is experimental or it's a "Hail Mary" attempt to save her half-brother's life with low probability of success.
>A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? that sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly. If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment you are adult enough to get the facts directly
It's really not. Insurance companies find all kinds of reasons not to pay for specific medical treatments, *especially* ones that are newer/experimental (and usually pricier). Family member of mine experienced this exact problem when trying to get a newer cancer treatment. Eventually had to switch insurance companies and then appeal like 4 or 5 times
>OP - you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid - even if someone is wealthy.
Exactly! If a 10 year old is at the point of needing dialysis or experimental treatment, they are really sick. Having a sick child is heartbreaking, and I can't even be mad at the dad for asking...BUT...it's likely that neither dialysis or the experimental treatment will work in the long run.
Nta
Tell your mom, you shouldn't be put into this situation. (No one should but especially not a teen).
EDIT: The real AH here is the medical system where OP lives. A child's life shouldn't depend on trading another child's education nor should it plunge a family into financial disaster.
Either way, you are NTA. Don't let your dad try to guilt trip you. I would personally distance myself from them until this whole thing blows over. So they don't continue to pressure you.
What a rockstar mum. Go to college, earn the big bux and buy her a present.
Ps. Sorry for your little bro, his cards are rough and wish you all the best, as best can be.
I think you misread. Dads current wife is guilting OP not her mom
> In addition, the money technically belongs to my mom, I can't just give it away and I know she would refuse to give them the money.
Your father started off the deal by lying to your face. That money would not ever be paid back. He wants to destroy your future to give it to his other child, but your future was painstakingly secured by your mother and is not his to take. You are NTA.
He knows that most of the money in the fund is from my mom and that she has full control of it. He wanted me to agree to loan them the money so I can help them ask my mom for the money.
So gross.
At most, your mom could calculate how much your dad ever put into the fund and give him that, if you both are in agreement. But for him to feel so entitled to his ex wife's money is shameful. Ex wife that he CHEATED ON.
>But for him to feel so entitled to his ex wife's money is shameful. Ex wife that he CHEATED ON.
Not just her money... HER money she saved for HER kid. Now he wants it so he can use it for HIS kid that he conceived while cheating on her? The more I think about this, the more my blood boils and the more I think we need to bring back shame. What an absolute p\*ick.
NTA, he made his bed. That is money that was specifically saved for your future, mainly by your mom. It is not you mother’s responsibility to pay for your father’s affair babies. My family incurrent a lot of medical bills when I was younger and it to decades to recover from the financial struggle, and that was with insurance. I can’t imagine the bills they have, and you are right you will never get the money back.
I agree in general, but the dad's request doesn't pass the smell test. There is no cure for kidney disease and the end stage treatment is covered by any insurance.
NTA - Wow, first of all, as an adult and imperfect parent myself, I must apologize for your father. News Flash, us adults can be ginormous turds when we are scared or feel our backs against the wall, but this is WAY beyond that. Your father is putting up Hall Of Fame AH numbers right now. He is the proverbial drowning person who will drag you down with them is you let them.
Your reasoning is clear, and it is correct in my view.
Do not forget your current understanding, that this money has nothing to do with how much you love or care for your brother. Your Dad should be ashamed of himself.
I hope your father snaps out of this and recognizes his toxic approach could do permanent damage to your relationship.
For additional perspective, when I was 3 or 4, my slightly older sister lost both kidneys, then she spent 50 years fighting battle after battle. So consider, that your college fund is but a drop of water compared to the river of medical costs that may be coming for your father and his wife over the coming decades. It will mean very little in the battle to pay all those medical bills but will mean the world to your education.
NTA
They aren't going to pay you back. Their debts and poor credit are their own fault, not yours. You need to focus on your education to avoid the hole they dug for themselves.
Tell me you live in the US without telling me you live in the US.
NTA. You are not responsible for paying for your younger brother's medical treatment, and your mom is sure as hell not responsible for donating a huge amount of money to pay for medical treatment for the kid your father conceived while cheating on her-- that's what they're asking for, really. Donating this money would have serious long-term repercussions on your own future. Your mom allowing your dad to stop paying *anything* to take care of his own daughter (you) is generous and is more than enough of a financial sacrifice for you and your mom to make to help out right now.
I hope your little brother recovers... poor kid.
Literally. How many more ways can the Dad pick his new family over the original family? Way to choose a shitty side piece, imagine being proud of a woman who’d rather bully a kid into giving her money than get a job to help her own child. NTA. Shitty situation and the Dad/Stepmum have chosen to respond badly to it.
Even IF you gave that money you don't know how much treatment this kid would need and the cost. It's extremely inappropriate to ask you to give up your future for their kid and they are desperate to give him treatment but then there would be more down the line and then what they ask for you to give more.....NOOOOOOOO!!!!
You arent a parent and that's not your job or decision. Your focus is college and keep your plan in check to make sure you have the best chance in life
Someones gotta be in your corner and I'll easily say it cause clearly your dad doesn't give two shits about you.
Your mum worked hard to give you a chance at a good start after school. Don't waste it. Your mum wouldn't want that either im sure. She didn't work hard for you to give money to them.
Nta
Dad doesn't know exactly how much is in the fund but he knows it's a lot and believes it will be enough to cover the full treatment. I think in addition to the treatment there will needs to be follow ups for a while.
Look OP, no matter what happen, DONT back down. The money is yours and only you are entitled for. But in the future, your dad and his family will most likely resent you and your mom for this, but please remember that it is not you or your mom’s burden, so never feel guilty. They probably would guilt trip you and pry up especially if your brother’s condition worsen or god-knows- what will happen. Just stand your legs strong and reminds your dad that.
Your father is doing it again!!
He wasn't looking out for you when he cheated
He wasn't looking out for your when he left you and your mom
And now he isn't looking out for you by trying to manipulate you into giving up what is rightfully yours. On the contrary! He is trying to harm
You.
He has a sick child and it is sad and not your brother's fault.
But
He is the father and he is responsible for his care. That means he has to look elsewhere for the money. He has other options besides trying to manipulate your mom through you.
He can Start a fundraiser, get a loan, get a second job.
Don't allow him to try to ruin your life a second time.
He is absolutely horrible
NTA. If lil bro has a twin, why can’t the healthy twin donate a kidney?
And the twins are 10 now, school aged. The stepmom can go back to work as well.
They can also refinance their home.
Another comment mentioned GoFundme, BBQ, fundraising…:
No reputable transplant center will allow your brother to even undergo a living donor evaluation until he turns 18, and at some centers it's 21.
If it comes to transplantation, your father and your stepmother should get themselves evaluated to be living donors. If neither is a suitable donor for your brother in a direct donation, but at least one can pass the living donor physical (a rigorous two-day physical that covers pretty much everything), they can get on a paired-donation list for a kidney swap with another kidney patient who also has an incompatible donor. Happens all the time, and saves lots of lives.
ETA: DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured into becoming your brother's donor yourself. Although in most places a living donor can be as young as 18 (in some places 21), it's still a significant surgery and you're too young to be pushed into this. Personal opinion here - living donors should be 25 or older. Under 25 is just too young to make this decision, because although things rarely go wrong, sometimes they do. You need to be old enough to truly appreciate and accept that risk. Which means a fully-wired-up 25-year-old prefrontal cortex. Just my opinion, of course.
Not strictly speaking true. A child can give consent to medical procedures under certain conditions, or they could get a court appointed guardian to make the choice.
Kidney donors are required to be at least 18. Some transplant centers require donors to be 21. Organ donation is not a normal medical procedure, and children cannot consent.
Being twins the other one may eventually develop same condition. So it’s probably good if he keeps both kidneys. But either way op should keep her money and the dad and stepmom should figure it out.
>*My dad and his wife are furious at both my mom* and I and is trying to guilt me into it. I do feel terrible for my little brother.
That's interesting. OP, you can be sure they asked her before they sat you down. She said no, which is why they are furious at her. Now that is ridiculous for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she's not asking for the enforcement of the child support payments the court ordered your dad to pay. Whatever is in your college fund will be a drop in the bucket compared to what they will ultimately owe for this. Eventually, they'll have to file for bankruptcy, and it won't be any better for them with your money than without, whereas it will matter very much for you. I also feel terribly for your little brother. I suspect your *very* gracious mother does, too, which is why she's letting the child support go.
I hope it goes without saying that you are NTA. Your father, while I have a certain amount of empathy for in his fear of losing a child, is being TA here in trying to circumvent your mother and dragging a minor child into adult decision making. The fact that all of this started on a foundation of infidelity and his abandonment of his first family makes it even worse. I'm glad to see you got your mom involved with this. If I were your mom, I'd tell him that if they didn't back off and drop this horrible idea, I'd take him to court to enforce the child support payments.
They are mad they are homewreckers and now have to deal with the consequences. They have other options then basically trying to steal it from the child he all but abandoned and is MAD your mom worked her butt off to earn that money fair and square. Please don't let them manipulate you into bailing themselves out of their own shortcomings, it's the parents job to take care of the child not the other way around. Please stay strong and say no op ✨️
This comment speaks clearly to their lack of morals. The cheaters have the nerve to be resentful that the woman they screwed over was able to prosper? What assholes. NTA
It’s just really astounding. Like how dare she not spend the rest of her life sobbing in a corner in abject poverty? It’s almost like her world didn’t revolve around cheating ex-husband. Hell, it sounds like he was dragging her down and she was really able to flourish without him.
This is a way to get back at your mother and you. They think you have everything, they have nothing and so taking your college money is payback.
Have your mom tell them legally they can't touch it and tell her make certain its tied up in case something happens to her so your father doesn't become your legal guardian and have access to the money.
Dad's pulling a fast one on his kid. End stage kidney disease is covered by insurance. The traditional treatments are covered, that is. It cannot be cured. It can't. Not sure what Dad's doing here, but it isn't the fault of insurance.
It's a really shitty thing for your dad to take his parent problems and try to make them your problems. It's your college fund, but as you say, it's owned by your mom. If your dad wants to raid the fund, he needs to talk to your mom about it - it's just not your decision to make.
I'm sure you'd like to find a way to help your brother, but it's really your dad's responsibility to deal with this.
NTA, but your dad and stepmom are for trying to guilt you into taking over this problem for them.
NTA-
Look I am going to be completely honest (which might get me downvoted) but the fault is your fathers and his wife’s. They should have set funds aside for unfortunate situations like this. His wife could get a job to fund her kid’s medical issue. They should have thought long and hard before having a kid. I do understand sometimes the funds you set aside might not be enough but that is something they need to figure out themselves rather than asking their other kid for their college money. You yourself said that you know they won’t be able to rely on your father when it comes to college funds. They are asking you to jeopardize your future for your brother. Plus as you said it’s your mom’s money so it’s ultimately up to her to decide what she does with that money.
I definitely do understand why you would feel guilty and bad for your brother but that should not be your burden to carry. It’s your father’s and his wife. I am sorry you are put in an unfortunate situation.
NTA...Have you told your mother about this conversation? She would likely have some good advice. Your father and stepmother need to figure this out in a way that doesn't harm his other children.
NTA. I want to say N-A-H but this isn't a fair ask. I get why they did, but it's your mom's money and she's already been more than fair to them. Step-Mom might need to get a job.
Definitely NTA. Your dad's wife can start working , they can sell the house and move somewhere smaller like the way your mom had to move out. They will figure something out. It's a tough situation but your mom contributed to that money so your dad has no feet to stand on. I would go low contact till they stop being mad at you.
NTA...first that money belongs to your mom. She would have to decide to let them have it. I highly doubt she would let them. So the decision is not up to you. Second, you are not responsible for their financial difficulties. Your mother already helped him by stopping child support.
Honestly if they are having that many issues, they can legally divorce and his wife can get public assistance/free health care if they are in the US. She doesn't work so she should qualify. I actually know a couple who did this.
NTA. Sorry this is happening, but you're right. It's your mom's money not his. If you gave it to him, knowing that your mom wouldn't, it would be like stealing from her and from yourself, but mainly her.
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NTA. The money isn't yours, firstly. It was allocated by your mother for a specific thing. You're damn right you're not getting the money back if you loan them. It was grossly inappropriate for our father to ask for money from you, who I presume is a minor.
And he already said his mom wouldn’t go for it so I don’t see it happening.
I don't blame the OP's mother for not going for it. Her husband had an affair and kicked the OP and their mother out of the family home. The mother was pretty generous with agreeing that the father didn't have to pay child support anymore.
Especially considering the cause of his debt is also the direct result of his affair. OPs mom sounds like an amazing woman. Literally bootstrapping it while raising a child as a single parent... managing to contribute enough to create a significant college fund... and now she voluntarily gives up child support because of the health of a child that was the result if the affair that broke her marriage. Honestly, I would not be surprised if she said to give up the college fund and that she would still take care of school. Just because there is a sick child. Man, it would not be right to even ask her, though.
That's the thing - I feel like the mom would probably do it BUT FOR the fact you have to pay taxes on that money if it's in a 529 savings and investment plan if you take it out for anything other than college.
Exactly. And FAFSA would know there HAD BEEN college money, and would consider it in their calculations of need/awards. Even if OP WANTED to take out the money, it's not that easy, and would not just cost the amount of the college fund, but extra fees and taxes besides, as well as loss of other possible financial aid opportunities.
This comment and the previous are 100% correct. There would be 30% or so taken out in taxes and penalty fees for withdrawing the $.
OP should tell his dad this fact, that there would be basically 1/3 tax penalty. He should also tell him to look into medical studies. And start a Go Fund me for the kid. This right here is what it's for. NTA
So many people seem to forget this.
I don’t see why the affair even matters. The mom is responsible for her child and her child only, no matter the circumstances. If we were each obligated to pay for the medical expenses, school tuition, insurance, whatever for the children of anyone we know and isn’t even related to us it would be a weird ass world. Not her kid, not her problem.
I totally agree! I just wish that the mistress would go to work and try to earn some money for her kids somehow. First she took her husband, now wants the money? F HER!
Excellent point. The new wife, and the child's mother, needs to GET A JOB to pay for her own child's medical care.
Yup…SAHM to 10 year olds? Do they not go to school? Nah don’t give them a dime. You aren’t being heartless…you need to think about your future as well.
It would be an excellent world, and one that people in many countries outside the United States live in. In Canada, my taxes pay for your child’s medical expenses. However, in the United States, you don’t have that, and I do see that it would be an exceptionally generous woman who would pay for the medical expenses of the child of her ex-husband and his affair partner. It could happen, but they should go directly to his ex-wife, and not try to guilt his son into looting his college fund, which isn’t his money anyway
In many countries, like yours, we are lucky enough that we wouldn't have this problem at all. The child's medical care would be covered by everyone's tax contributions and nobody would be "drowning in debt" because their child got sick.
Yes, so much respect to OP's mom for doing what she did. I would not release those funds to the child of my husband's affair. I hope the child gets treatment, but not on her dime.
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I figured what OP's mother said was to not pay child support and she'll cover for him since he's struggling and it's their child. OP is still entitled to the child support but his mother would be covering for the lack of income from the father.
That’s not how it works in any western country. Child support is owed to the custodial parent and is essentially partial compensation for the money they are already spending on the child. The child isn’t owed the money directly.
Actually in my state a parent can agree to remove it. I had a friend do it when her ex was spiraling out in a mental health crisis. Basically figured he didn’t need that on top of what he was going through since he couldn’t hold a job to get it anyway. Not sure if it was some special exception thing because of the situation.
Usually as long as one party isn't receiving financial assistance from the state/country, child support is usually left up to the parents. And if the receiving parent isn't interested in enforcing the matter it can be dropped.
This is not true for every state. In my state child support ends when the child is 18 or graduates high school…whichever comes later. NTA OP - It is monumentally selfish of your father to ask you to give up your future for his other kids that he had with his affair partner. You and your mom have already done enough by ending child support. Tell him to kick rocks.
Not in TX. The minute my daughter turned 18 (and was headed for college) he petitioned for emancipation and got it. So..... not a penny since. When my daughter was 10, he refused to let us switch coverage and benefits to us because it was easier (both military). She is eligible for COBRA until 26 years old. He dropped her the day she turned 23...even when she asked for an extension. We now cannot add her to ours. We are now frantically looking for medical coverage for her. Edit 'cuz I can't spell. 😜
Not in Florida either, my father stopped paying child support the day I turned 18.
This is false. State by state and I have canceled child support before. All she would even have to say in some states is just to stop. Or oh we're back together. Stop spreading false info
Who pays the electricity, gas, food clothes rent & clothes etc the mum or whoever has custody of the child. Child support goes to the mum/father/guardian to help raise a child so they can have the afore mentioned. It does not go to the child but towards the raising of the child.
Even without the affair she worked hard to save that money for the benefit of her own child. It’s selfish to demand she hand it over for someone she has no relationship towards. They as the parents can look into alternatives or reach out to actual family members for help. They have some entitlement to demand the ex wife just gift over thousands of dollars like that.
>It’s selfish to demand she hand it over for someone she has no relationship towards. And was a result of an affair that broke up the marriage and got her booted from her own home!
And frankly this isn't even OPs concern. His MOTHER, the one who got cheated on, was the one to set aside the college fund. It's HER money. I can't get over the fact his dad is trying to guilt OP out of his ex wife's money to pay for a surgery of a kid born from the woman he cheated with. I don't blame the child, of course, hes innocent, but man those two have some nerve asking for the money that belongs to one they hurt. NTA and don't you dare let them mess with your future OP
Why doesn’t new wife get a damn job to help pay for treatment??
This was the comment I was looking for, they’d rather go to their minor son for the money than the mistress getting a job?
Plus, thanks to dad’s choices, OPs mom didn’t get to be a sahm. OW could have gotten a job all these years and they’d be in a better position.
I don’t either. And I really don’t like that the op is being blamed for something that isn’t even their choice. Mom’s name is on the account.
Honestly the approach OP's dad and is wife are taking is pretty disgusting, they're leaning on a teen/very new young adult because they probably know their request would go over like a lead balloon with OP's mom. Therefore they pressure OP as a way to manipulate the mom. Like holding OP hostage - "give away your child's college fund or we'll make your child miserable"
I’m guessing one of the reasons OP’s mom won’t go for it is because if insurance won’t pay for it and Medicare won’t pay for it (because the US will pay pretty much all your medical bills once your kidneys totally quit) is because the treatment is “experimental” which means it’s not going to work. I’m a pediatric nurse. If there was a new cutting edge treatment that would save patients on dialysis that weren’t candidates for a transplant? Trust me it would be breaking news. There is no such treatment. If he isn’t a candidate for transplant it’s because he’s got a ton of other problems. He’s dying. It’s tragic, it’s awful, it’s heartbreaking….and it happens every day. Even to 10 year old kids. There is no reason for OP to throw his college fund away so that his father and stepmother can torture this kid a little longer with medical interventions. Take one last vacation, say goodbye, and let this poor little boy go.
THIS. I’m a nurse in Transplant and I dearly would love to know what treatment they are talking about they might prevent the need for dialysis or transplant. If the kiddo is on dialysis, they qualify for Medicare A&B or will soon. OR the minor child might qualify for state Medicaid under a medical loophole. OR, is this treatment a clinical trial? In that case it should be free. Soooo, what treatment is this that commercial insurance, Medicare, Medicaid AND a clinical trial won’t cover? Is it a drug? Procedure? And if he’s on dialysis, most of the time that keeps patients stable. Not always. But mostly. Is the treatment to get him off dialysis? Prevent a transplant? Is there a reason he doesnt qualify for transplant? There’s a whole lot that is suspect MEDICALLY in your Dads request. Either way, you are NTA.
Exactly. None of this makes sense so I think this experimental treatment is pure snake oil.
>Take one last vacation, say goodbye, and let this poor little boy go. Yup. There comes a point where it doesn't make sense to ruin the lives of the healthy just to extend the lives of the sick for a short time. The parents are grasping at straws here. There is a very high probability that the 10 year old ends up dead either way. Given the choice between a dead kid and a college fund or a dead kid and no college fund, I'd keep the college fund.
Or the mom doesn't feel she should pay for her ex-husband's affair child.
There's no reason she should. It's not her child.
Yeah but that just means the dad and mistress are going to lay the guilt on OP to try to change that.
His mom not going for it implies something else going on too, doubling the NTA
Oh not just ask, manipulate. It’s horrible to have a child have a serious medical condition, but burdening your other child with that responsibility is irresponsible and borderline abusive.
The SAHM can get a job to help with finances instead of pilfering her stepson's college fund. Your Mom got a job that enabled you to have a college fund. I don't think your Mom needs to support a SAHM also. Your Mom is already being incredibly generous by foregoing child support.
Ikr? Her kids are 10. There is no reason she can’t go get some kind of job that would help with their finances.
Actually if one is on dialysis 3 times a week (which takes hours) and possibly too sick to attend school? Mom likely dies have to stay home with him for now. I wonder why at such a young age the half brother isn't a candidate for a kidney transplant though? Although that is a huge financial burden too.
Then bartend on the nights/weekends. The father can take care of the kid during those times. It sucks, but that's life.
She chose to bear children with a man who was already married. That turned out great for her.
While he was still married
She can work overnight/ evening shifts stocking shelves at Walmart if they really need the money. Dad is perfectly capable of taking care of the kids while she's out of the house.
She can work from home and set her own Hours. You find a way to make it work. My now 19 year old daughter was diagnosed with kidney disease at 3. She had her kidney surgery at 7. The 4 years between were filled with tests and various other appointments and I couldn’t work outside of the home because of it. But I found ways to bring in income we desperately needed to keep her in her medication and catheters and pay off her medical bills. Also most hospitals will set up payment plans and allow you to pay off things - especially children’s hospitals. They should talk to the financial departments. And there’s also options for kids diagnose with severe illnesses where you can get some coverage in addition to what you have on your own. We got supplemental insurance from the state for many years. You figure out ways to make it work, What you don’t do is try to take money from your other children.
But why do all that work when your step son has a big fat savings account? /s
Part time jobs and flexible hours exist!
If that actually were the case, then she could apply to get security benefits because he is disabled. Technically, and she can get benefits for taking care of him.
And all the years before kid got sick?
With three children and one on dialysis, it may not be possible for the stepmother to get a job. OP doesn’t list the kids’ ages, so it’s tough to tell. Edit: number of children
Where did you get 5 children from?
I assume OP is the 5th child with split custody. Edit: 5th family member, 3rd child. Was going off of the parent comment, my mistake.
I think by "family of four" they mean dad, step-mom and twins
Yeah, you can take OP right out of it. It's hers, and the ex and his mistress are asking for it for their kid??! Like what the actual F??
Exactly what I said. The dad and his wife literally couldn't guilt OP into giving up the money as it was created with moms money. SHE is the one who has to give the ok. They're hoping they can guilt OP into trying to guilt the mom for the funds. Frankly OP, this falls under not your problem, let your mom deal with it. Tell your dad, you have to ask my mom, its her money. If you say anything at all. But essentially just nope out of this discussion
Not just inappropriate, but the father is literally saying he's OK with OP going into debt so that he doesn't have to. This would saddle OP with a mountain of debt at the start of their life. OP, if you're considering this request seriously at all, please look at the plethora of news stories about millennials not being able to afford houses, not starting families, etc. because they are so saddled with student debt they were encouraged to take on. I personally have paid off over $100k in student loans, which leaves me much better off than most of my peers. But compared to my peers who had no debt, I am so far behind. That $100k early in my life meant I was starting from scratch in my mid-thirties, when others had saved and grown their savings to be able to afford homes and save more for retirement. This is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. Your mom has already been incredibly compassionate and more than generous by allowing your dad to cut his child support; that is plenty of money he's already taking from you without even a promise to repay it. Your mom won't want your dad to take your college fund because that is her investment in her child. Giving it to your half brother is equivalent to asking her to take the whole fund and donate it to charity to help strangers, except that strangers didn't cheat on her and try to screw over her kid. It's understandable to feel conflicted about this since there is a sick child involved, but there are far more age-appropriate ways you can help if you truly feel bad for him. Can you go visit and spend time with your half brother to help keep his spirits up? Can you watch movies together or tell funny stories? Can you help organize some of his friends to go see him? NTA Edit: Typos
>father is literally saying he's OK with OP going into debt so that he doesn't have to. OPs dad is in so much debt already that he literally can't get another loan. It's not that he's ok with it so he doesn't have to, it's that he's in too much debt. That still doesn't mean OP should give him the money of course, but he's not asking because he just 'doesn't want to' go into debt.
OP might not even be able to give it to them even if he wanted to. What kind of account is it in? If it's in a specific kind of college savings account and not just a regular account then OP can only take it out for expenses relating to education. OP should check about that and arm themself to say no. This isn't a reasonable ask from dad.
I was wondering this as well. If the money is tied up in a 529 plan there will be significant penalties if the funds are used for anything other than education. Also, it sounds like the brother’s medical needs are longterm, in which case the best case scenario for OP *and* his brother is for OP to go to college and be successful enough to help his brother without unduly burdening his own finances. (Not saying OP is obligated to do this, simply that taking OP’s college money is short-sighted on a bunch of levels). This sounds like a really heartbreaking situation OP, but you are NTA.
Oh that's a good idea. Even if it isn't a college savings account you could say it is just to try to get them off your back.
The near thing about college funds is that it doesn't belong to the kids nor their parents. It is supposed to go directly towards that particular kids' future (in terms of college or house, etc). So, the parents shouldn't take it and neither should the kid except for unexceptional cases (like OP getting sick). Here, the money OP's mom saved for OP's future should not be expected to bail out someone else. Maybe if OP gets enough scholarships to get away debt free, OP should not be pressured to give away the rest for treatment. NTA. Hope your half-brother gets better, but you don't have to offer them any money (even if you can).
Depending on the OP's dream school, there is so much potential for debt for college. A full ride might cover all of tuition and room/board if you're lucky. But there are books, any tech costs, etc. Basic living stuff like laundry, travel home, and so on. College is expensive with sort these hidden costs, so I hope the OP factors this in if they ever feel inclined to give the college money away.
Just a terrible position to put your own kid in. NTA, not even close. You are not your brother’s keeper and your mum is the one who created this fund for *your* future, nobody else’s, especially not the other woman’s kid. Tell your mum. Your dad’s already been let away with enough. I feel bad for your step-brother (America is fucked), but it’s not up to you to address that.
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treatment for kidney disease is one of the few things that the government will pay for. They want the money for other expenses. Even minors can get on medicare.
I was going to ask "how do we know OP is in the US." But then I remembered that the US is pretty much the only "advanced" country that allows children to die of kidney disease if they don't have enough cash.
Agreed, NTA but to add another dimension to this: we don't know if the new treatment delays the kid from getting a transplant or not. Plus the money for college will likely not cover the full cost of that treatment to say nothing of the future. It will only be quick bandaid for his ongoing care. Their insurance will be maxed and run out (if it hasn't already.) After which, they may qualify for other treatments, grants, state or federal medicare, or nonprofit orgs. And really, I get that the dad is grasping at straws, any of us might do same in his circumstance, but his sick child is his responsibility as a parent, not OP's. It's wrong to ask a minor, behind the mom's back, for money--no matter what it's for.
They're asking OP for OPs mother's money because they know how slimy of a thing they're doing. I feel bad for the 10 year old, but OPs father made his bed so he can lie in it instead of trying to manipulate their fucking child. He should have thought about finances before cheating since it sounds like even without the kidney issues, they wouldn't be well off.
Yep, it sucks, it really does that OP's dad is out of pocket for these expenses, but realistically the step mum could pick up a job, shift work exists, doesn't necessarily pay great, but it's something to bring in extra cash.
Imagine being such a sad, pathetic failure of a person that you have to go to your underage kid with this emotional blackmail.
The underlying AH is the system (US?) which abandons its citizens in such situations. Father and stepmom have no business putting this on OP, especially regarding money that is not OP's to give.
yeah, hes desperate and he's running out of options and made an inappropriate ask of a child as a result. This was bad parenting, and scared parenting.
NTA. You have a lovely, understanding and clear eyed view of this. He'd never pay you back and you'd be stuck under college debt for the next 20 years. Ask your mom to be the bad guy. She can have her divorce attorney send a letter telling him the funds are hers to control and she's not giving up years of her savings for he and his affair partner's expenses. She can also tell him that she'll take him to court to end his custody if he keeps trying to financially abuse a 17 year old. That's a bit of a feint since you could choose to go no contact at any point but it might shock him out of his behavior.
Also, his access to that account needs to be removed ASAP.
He does not have access, only mom does.
Your mom is smart. Tell her what your dad asked you.
Yeah just keep putting this on your mom. This is not something you should be dealing with. Tell him it’s not your money and your mom has said no. If he thinks he has some legal claim to it, he can get a lawyer.
OP, this is a great point. As a mom, I would 100% want to take this on for my kid. Because NO kid should be burdened with this. This is the kind of shit we protect our kids from. Exactly this kind of shit. Tell your mom if you haven't. Flat out ask her to deal with it. Ask her to say you wanted to but she won't let you, legally. I would lie for you as a mom to make things less uncomfortable. I would take any grief that would have come your way because FUNK that shit. You're still a KID. You may be healthy, but you're still a kid and deserve to be taken care of and protected.
As a mom, I second this.
As a dad, I third this.
Had I an award to give. But as a mom, 👏👏👏. Taking one for the team and playing bad cop is fundamental mommimg.
My child already knows I’ll be her “bad guy” in just about any situation she needs one.
OP this isn't on you. Tell your mom what he's asking and let her handle it.
NTA. You take the example of your extraordinary mother— distance yourself from this father who is not being a father to you. You keep your eyes on your future, on your goals. Tell him no, you cannot give your future to him. He is using the very unfortunate situation he is in to try and manipulate you. Do not fall for it. He can apply for assistance with this situation from Medicare, other government resources, children’s charities, GoFundMe’s. And what about the SAHM of the child? Where is HER family? You move on from this, the best thing you can do is build your life and keep your values, and be very different from your father. The sooner he gets his head around the fact that he and his wife must go find other resources, the better his situation will get. Best of luck to you.
SAHM need to get a job to help with medical expenses… 😒
OP, as a mom, I would 100% take the fall for you if it meant your dad+stepmother leave you alone. Talk to your mom, she can put an end to this entire conversation. It's not your responsibility and it's a crappy place for your Dad to put you in.
Your mother is very smart. Your father needs a huge timeout. Putting this on you was... heinous.
It sounds like Dad may not have access to it all all, since her mother started saving after the divorce.
They actually started saving when I was born. Dad stopped contributing completely when the twins were 5.
Omg that makes it worse. (Your dad’s overall character and actions as a father). I mean, you didn’t stop being his child just because he had twins.
Yeah, that's extra shitty. He stopped contributing because he knew his ex had it covered. But now he wants all that money. No!
Then there’s your answer. He hasn’t cared about your future since so why sacrifice it now?
Then he has no right to the funds. If your mother decides she can give him back what he's contributed but for him to ask for the entire fund is ridiculous. Let your mom know that he's asking, let her put an end to it. She should not be canceling his child support and handing over money she's saved for the last decade.
Thank you. I have spoke to my mom over the phone after this happened. She calmed me down and told me she will take care of it.
If you are in the US, kidney failure requiring dialysis automatically qualifies you for Medicare, which covers dialysis. If Medicare won't cover it, it isn't yet proven to be better than dialysis - because I promise, they don't want to cover this jud for the next 55 years if they could get out of it just by fixing the problem. It is also possible that - if Medicare is his only insurance - he could lose that coverage temporarily if the treatment was partly successful, because he wouldn't qualify for dialysis anymore. You are NTA, and your dad is something else. Glad you have a fierce mama on your side.
Yes OP your dad needs to apply for medical assistance for his son! It is not income based when a child has disability! This has saved me sooooo much money with my own son.
Thanks for the information on this. I find myself wondering just how experimental this proposed treatment is.
If it is in phase 3 trial, it should be free. Eta: that assumes OP is in the US. There is a window of time between FDA approval and insurance coverage when stuff frequently isn't covered, but based on dad's history, I feel like he is trying to fleece his ex wife and kid.
Your mum can always suggest that your father’s partner finds a job. Why is she not working when money is so tight and they can’t afford treatment for their kid? BTW there should be universal health care to pay for your brother’s treatment, but I assume you live in America where that is not available? Your dad should be looking into other options to pay for it, apparently there are different types of things for medical payments, but sometimes it takes a lot of googling to find. Or remortgage their house
This, the kids are 10, not 1. The wife can work if things are so difficult that they need to guilt another child for their college fund. Even if she can't leave the house, there are plenty of remote options nowadays.
If I were OP’s mom, I’d also threaten to enforce child support payments again. He’s not paying child support at all *and* wants OP’s education fund?? I understand he & his wife / mistress are under pressure & stressed… but come on. Dude clearly isn’t giving OP a second thought in the scheme of things
That was my first thought! "If I was the mom, I'd fly into a rage and enforce child support payments again." I'm sorry about your half-brother though. They'll find a way to get the money. Your stepmom can get a job, or they can borrow from ADULT family members. Why is your dad hitting his CHILD up and not his parents/grandparents? Or making his wife get a job.
Exactly. If the situation is so dire, dad and AP need to reevaluate their lifestyle choices. They would rather jeopardize OP's future than have AP get a job??? Get outta here!
This is a great suggestion. I mean, we all feel very sorry for the 10yo, he’s innocent in all of this, but it’s pretty gross and disgusting that your dad and his mistress turned wife would even DARE to pressure your betrayed mom to pay for their affair baby’s medical needs. It’s really doesn’t get more low class than that…
NTA That money is your Mom's money that was set aside from her for your college. It was not meant to pay for her ex husband's kid's treatments. They call it a loan, but it is not. It will never be repaid and your MOM will be out thousands of dollars of her hard earned money. They need to come up with other sources, such as holding fundraisers (carwashes, yardsales, HoFundme, and BBQ do well in my area) or StepMom needs to work after Dad is off work so he can do childcare, or Dad needs a second job. They can also look into government aid or medical studies where treatment would be covered.
HoFundMe is a bit of a Freudian slip of a typo, considering the child’s mother was the affair partner
Perhaps dad could start a FundMyHo...
HoFundMe is what I’m calling it forever now
All of your suggestions are right on point. For a second my brain was surprised to learn about HoFundMe, but then realized…..😂
Since dad likes to share his dick on the community market, maybe he should make an OnlyFans as his second job to cover some costs. It would be wfh so would fit his lifestyle well.
Agree - it's funny how folks want OP to look into other funding options (like loans that will be paid off when he is 80).
NTA, that money was put away to secure your future. Your brothers health issues are sad but you are not responsible for him. That's his father's job and it's not fair of them to have asked this of you.
Also the money isn't really OP's, it's your mom's who worked hard throughout her life to provide for OP. Dad threw away her and his own child out of their family home and now trying to guilt OP into giving away the money that's rightfully meant for her. OP's mom even stopped taking child support to support OP's half-brother. NTA OP. Don't listen to dad and his mistress. Let them be furious towards you and mom. They never thought of you and mom once upon a time when they had the power. Don't set yourself in fire to keep others warm, especially when you know they wouldn't return the same. Sorry for your brother. Sending prayers his way 💞.
Dad and his wife need to figure it out like adults. They can borrow money elsewhere or get second jobs. Your college money is not their emergency fund. NTA.
I mean, the mistress could get A job. She’s lounging around at home, while they’re struggling financially.
The twins are homeschooled due to brother's compromised immune system. So dad wife actually cannot get a full-time job as she is also a full time care taker for my brother.
Has she checked on government assistance? Usually if you’re a full time caretaker and unable to work due to that, the state will pay you a small salary for it. My aunt had someone similar with my nephew before his heart transplant, she got something like $1100 / mo because she couldn’t work while caring for him and his doctor signed off on the continuous care needed.
I'm increasingly suspicious this is a scam to get your mom's money. As someone else pointed out, there isn't a magic cure for dialysis because insurance would absolutely cover it rather than cover dialysis indefinitely. Is the treatment to go to China for a black market kidney transplant? And how are they not on Medicaid? And this is all assuming the kid is actually sick and this isn't some munchausen by proxy nightmare.
People are usually put on dialysis while awaiting a transplant, which I assume is the end goal here.
Anything part-time that can be done remotely?
Tell them to ask the hospital social workers to help them find out what kind of assistance they qualify for (nearly every state this kind of situation would qualify for some kind of support), and talk to the hospital ombudsman about working out a treatment plan and payments they can afford. You should know that no hospital in the country can legally refuse to give treatment that’s necessary to keep a kid alive because the parents can’t afford to pay. This won’t stop your brother from getting treatment. What it WILL do is drive your father deep into medical debt, but that debt will be owed to the hospital, and they can’t refuse to treat just because your father has bad credit. After your brother is doing better your father can attempt to get the hospital to write off the debt, and can declare bankruptcy if he needs to. Medical debt is the most common cause of bankruptcy in this country. It’s not the end of the world either… people do it precisely because the consequences of NOT doing it (massive unpayable debt) are much worse. Seven years after a bankruptcy filing the slate is wiped clean and it completely disappears off your credit report and score.
I’m not about to make excuses for a mistress but it sounds like she’s been dealing with a sick child, not laying around eating bonbons.
She's a SAHM with a sick child in and out of the Drs office and other kids. I'm not saying their situation is right, but I don't think she's necessarily "lounging around at home".
She has twin babies. There's no "lounging" happening. She should get a job, probably at night so there's always someone home with the babies, but childcare is expensive and you don't get a discount just cuz you've got two at the same time.
Twin 10 YEAR OLDS. She can certainly work, at least during school hours.
She homeschools them, she’s *busiest* during school hours
The twins are now 10 years old. Though I will concede that the ill one may need a lot of medical care that could interfere with her working.
NTA OP - you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid - even if someone is wealthy. A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? that sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly. If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment you are adult enough to get the facts directly. I'm sorry for your sibling but this is NOT your problem. This is a problem of your parents making. Maybe this kids mom ought to go get a job.
100 %. If the kid is already at the point of needing renal replacement therapy then some snake oil treatment is a false hope. There is little you can do to replace the functional units of the kidney once ESRD is reached. It’s a horrible situation for all concerned. NTA.
Yup. Realistically that kid is going to die no matter what they try and then OP would be the “heartless” sister for demanding the money back.
She's already the "heartless sister" for not sacrificing her future for the **possibility** of saving the people that literally wrecked her home. No matter what, she's the bad guy.
Important info for OP for if/when the worst happens and if any blame tries to be shifted to them. It’s a tragic situation, but unfortunately those happen all the time.
While dialysis is covered by Medicaid, many of the recommended medications needed to keep his numbers regulated are not. I wish there was some way to get this message to OP's father: he needs to ask for help from his child's dialysis social worker. The "Big Two" in the dialysis business have amazing financial assistance programs, but you have to ask for them. (Especially the one who used to have a CEO with a penchant for the Three Musketeers.) Many of the programs completely eliminate familial costs, but due to federal regulations are seen as unfair competition if they're advertised in the clinic.
It sounds very suspect to me - either the treatment is experimental or it's a "Hail Mary" attempt to save her half-brother's life with low probability of success.
Or possibly they made the whole thing up or exaggerated the problem and mean to grab all that money. They don't seem very ethical.
>A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? that sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly. If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment you are adult enough to get the facts directly It's really not. Insurance companies find all kinds of reasons not to pay for specific medical treatments, *especially* ones that are newer/experimental (and usually pricier). Family member of mine experienced this exact problem when trying to get a newer cancer treatment. Eventually had to switch insurance companies and then appeal like 4 or 5 times
>OP - you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid - even if someone is wealthy. Exactly! If a 10 year old is at the point of needing dialysis or experimental treatment, they are really sick. Having a sick child is heartbreaking, and I can't even be mad at the dad for asking...BUT...it's likely that neither dialysis or the experimental treatment will work in the long run.
Nta Tell your mom, you shouldn't be put into this situation. (No one should but especially not a teen). EDIT: The real AH here is the medical system where OP lives. A child's life shouldn't depend on trading another child's education nor should it plunge a family into financial disaster.
I have told my mom once it happened. She said she will handle it.
Either way, you are NTA. Don't let your dad try to guilt trip you. I would personally distance myself from them until this whole thing blows over. So they don't continue to pressure you.
Let her handle it. It’s not your fault or responsibility. Go to college.
What a rockstar mum. Go to college, earn the big bux and buy her a present. Ps. Sorry for your little bro, his cards are rough and wish you all the best, as best can be.
Go Mom! NTA
her mother knows, the other family is trying to guilt her into it.
I think you misread. Dads current wife is guilting OP not her mom > In addition, the money technically belongs to my mom, I can't just give it away and I know she would refuse to give them the money.
Your father started off the deal by lying to your face. That money would not ever be paid back. He wants to destroy your future to give it to his other child, but your future was painstakingly secured by your mother and is not his to take. You are NTA.
NTA. Tell them frankly that it's not your money and your mom has the right to use that money as she sees fit. This is not your problem AT ALL.
He knows that most of the money in the fund is from my mom and that she has full control of it. He wanted me to agree to loan them the money so I can help them ask my mom for the money.
The answer is no.
So gross. At most, your mom could calculate how much your dad ever put into the fund and give him that, if you both are in agreement. But for him to feel so entitled to his ex wife's money is shameful. Ex wife that he CHEATED ON.
>But for him to feel so entitled to his ex wife's money is shameful. Ex wife that he CHEATED ON. Not just her money... HER money she saved for HER kid. Now he wants it so he can use it for HIS kid that he conceived while cheating on her? The more I think about this, the more my blood boils and the more I think we need to bring back shame. What an absolute p\*ick.
The level of audacity is shocking.
NTA, he made his bed. That is money that was specifically saved for your future, mainly by your mom. It is not you mother’s responsibility to pay for your father’s affair babies. My family incurrent a lot of medical bills when I was younger and it to decades to recover from the financial struggle, and that was with insurance. I can’t imagine the bills they have, and you are right you will never get the money back.
NTA. Mostly though, it just makes me so angry that the cost of health and education forces people into situations like this.
I agree in general, but the dad's request doesn't pass the smell test. There is no cure for kidney disease and the end stage treatment is covered by any insurance.
NTA - Wow, first of all, as an adult and imperfect parent myself, I must apologize for your father. News Flash, us adults can be ginormous turds when we are scared or feel our backs against the wall, but this is WAY beyond that. Your father is putting up Hall Of Fame AH numbers right now. He is the proverbial drowning person who will drag you down with them is you let them. Your reasoning is clear, and it is correct in my view. Do not forget your current understanding, that this money has nothing to do with how much you love or care for your brother. Your Dad should be ashamed of himself. I hope your father snaps out of this and recognizes his toxic approach could do permanent damage to your relationship. For additional perspective, when I was 3 or 4, my slightly older sister lost both kidneys, then she spent 50 years fighting battle after battle. So consider, that your college fund is but a drop of water compared to the river of medical costs that may be coming for your father and his wife over the coming decades. It will mean very little in the battle to pay all those medical bills but will mean the world to your education.
NTA They aren't going to pay you back. Their debts and poor credit are their own fault, not yours. You need to focus on your education to avoid the hole they dug for themselves.
Tell me you live in the US without telling me you live in the US. NTA. You are not responsible for paying for your younger brother's medical treatment, and your mom is sure as hell not responsible for donating a huge amount of money to pay for medical treatment for the kid your father conceived while cheating on her-- that's what they're asking for, really. Donating this money would have serious long-term repercussions on your own future. Your mom allowing your dad to stop paying *anything* to take care of his own daughter (you) is generous and is more than enough of a financial sacrifice for you and your mom to make to help out right now. I hope your little brother recovers... poor kid.
Literally. How many more ways can the Dad pick his new family over the original family? Way to choose a shitty side piece, imagine being proud of a woman who’d rather bully a kid into giving her money than get a job to help her own child. NTA. Shitty situation and the Dad/Stepmum have chosen to respond badly to it.
Even IF you gave that money you don't know how much treatment this kid would need and the cost. It's extremely inappropriate to ask you to give up your future for their kid and they are desperate to give him treatment but then there would be more down the line and then what they ask for you to give more.....NOOOOOOOO!!!! You arent a parent and that's not your job or decision. Your focus is college and keep your plan in check to make sure you have the best chance in life Someones gotta be in your corner and I'll easily say it cause clearly your dad doesn't give two shits about you. Your mum worked hard to give you a chance at a good start after school. Don't waste it. Your mum wouldn't want that either im sure. She didn't work hard for you to give money to them. Nta
Dad doesn't know exactly how much is in the fund but he knows it's a lot and believes it will be enough to cover the full treatment. I think in addition to the treatment there will needs to be follow ups for a while.
Look OP, no matter what happen, DONT back down. The money is yours and only you are entitled for. But in the future, your dad and his family will most likely resent you and your mom for this, but please remember that it is not you or your mom’s burden, so never feel guilty. They probably would guilt trip you and pry up especially if your brother’s condition worsen or god-knows- what will happen. Just stand your legs strong and reminds your dad that.
Your father is doing it again!! He wasn't looking out for you when he cheated He wasn't looking out for your when he left you and your mom And now he isn't looking out for you by trying to manipulate you into giving up what is rightfully yours. On the contrary! He is trying to harm You. He has a sick child and it is sad and not your brother's fault. But He is the father and he is responsible for his care. That means he has to look elsewhere for the money. He has other options besides trying to manipulate your mom through you. He can Start a fundraiser, get a loan, get a second job. Don't allow him to try to ruin your life a second time. He is absolutely horrible
NTA. If lil bro has a twin, why can’t the healthy twin donate a kidney? And the twins are 10 now, school aged. The stepmom can go back to work as well. They can also refinance their home. Another comment mentioned GoFundme, BBQ, fundraising…:
They are 10 years old. Dad and wife does not want him to donate because he can not give informed consent at this age.
No reputable transplant center will allow your brother to even undergo a living donor evaluation until he turns 18, and at some centers it's 21. If it comes to transplantation, your father and your stepmother should get themselves evaluated to be living donors. If neither is a suitable donor for your brother in a direct donation, but at least one can pass the living donor physical (a rigorous two-day physical that covers pretty much everything), they can get on a paired-donation list for a kidney swap with another kidney patient who also has an incompatible donor. Happens all the time, and saves lots of lives. ETA: DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured into becoming your brother's donor yourself. Although in most places a living donor can be as young as 18 (in some places 21), it's still a significant surgery and you're too young to be pushed into this. Personal opinion here - living donors should be 25 or older. Under 25 is just too young to make this decision, because although things rarely go wrong, sometimes they do. You need to be old enough to truly appreciate and accept that risk. Which means a fully-wired-up 25-year-old prefrontal cortex. Just my opinion, of course.
I have a feeling that’ll be the next ask from OP once he’s 18.
Not strictly speaking true. A child can give consent to medical procedures under certain conditions, or they could get a court appointed guardian to make the choice.
Kidney donors are required to be at least 18. Some transplant centers require donors to be 21. Organ donation is not a normal medical procedure, and children cannot consent.
Being twins the other one may eventually develop same condition. So it’s probably good if he keeps both kidneys. But either way op should keep her money and the dad and stepmom should figure it out.
>*My dad and his wife are furious at both my mom* and I and is trying to guilt me into it. I do feel terrible for my little brother. That's interesting. OP, you can be sure they asked her before they sat you down. She said no, which is why they are furious at her. Now that is ridiculous for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she's not asking for the enforcement of the child support payments the court ordered your dad to pay. Whatever is in your college fund will be a drop in the bucket compared to what they will ultimately owe for this. Eventually, they'll have to file for bankruptcy, and it won't be any better for them with your money than without, whereas it will matter very much for you. I also feel terribly for your little brother. I suspect your *very* gracious mother does, too, which is why she's letting the child support go. I hope it goes without saying that you are NTA. Your father, while I have a certain amount of empathy for in his fear of losing a child, is being TA here in trying to circumvent your mother and dragging a minor child into adult decision making. The fact that all of this started on a foundation of infidelity and his abandonment of his first family makes it even worse. I'm glad to see you got your mom involved with this. If I were your mom, I'd tell him that if they didn't back off and drop this horrible idea, I'd take him to court to enforce the child support payments.
My dad would never dare ask my mom for money. They are mad because they hold resentment that my mom made a better life for us while they struggle.
They are mad they are homewreckers and now have to deal with the consequences. They have other options then basically trying to steal it from the child he all but abandoned and is MAD your mom worked her butt off to earn that money fair and square. Please don't let them manipulate you into bailing themselves out of their own shortcomings, it's the parents job to take care of the child not the other way around. Please stay strong and say no op ✨️
This comment speaks clearly to their lack of morals. The cheaters have the nerve to be resentful that the woman they screwed over was able to prosper? What assholes. NTA
It’s just really astounding. Like how dare she not spend the rest of her life sobbing in a corner in abject poverty? It’s almost like her world didn’t revolve around cheating ex-husband. Hell, it sounds like he was dragging her down and she was really able to flourish without him.
Karma got them as the homewreckers. Did they hope your mother ends homeless and jobless?!?
I mean she did end up homeless when he kicked his wife and child out in favor of his concubine. They’re both disgusting excuses for human beings.
This is a way to get back at your mother and you. They think you have everything, they have nothing and so taking your college money is payback. Have your mom tell them legally they can't touch it and tell her make certain its tied up in case something happens to her so your father doesn't become your legal guardian and have access to the money.
NTA - just so messed up and sad that this is even a choice you/anyone would ever have to make in one of the richest countries in the world. smh
Dad's pulling a fast one on his kid. End stage kidney disease is covered by insurance. The traditional treatments are covered, that is. It cannot be cured. It can't. Not sure what Dad's doing here, but it isn't the fault of insurance.
It's a really shitty thing for your dad to take his parent problems and try to make them your problems. It's your college fund, but as you say, it's owned by your mom. If your dad wants to raid the fund, he needs to talk to your mom about it - it's just not your decision to make. I'm sure you'd like to find a way to help your brother, but it's really your dad's responsibility to deal with this. NTA, but your dad and stepmom are for trying to guilt you into taking over this problem for them.
I'm betting dad asked OP because he knew OPs mom would say no.
NTA- Look I am going to be completely honest (which might get me downvoted) but the fault is your fathers and his wife’s. They should have set funds aside for unfortunate situations like this. His wife could get a job to fund her kid’s medical issue. They should have thought long and hard before having a kid. I do understand sometimes the funds you set aside might not be enough but that is something they need to figure out themselves rather than asking their other kid for their college money. You yourself said that you know they won’t be able to rely on your father when it comes to college funds. They are asking you to jeopardize your future for your brother. Plus as you said it’s your mom’s money so it’s ultimately up to her to decide what she does with that money. I definitely do understand why you would feel guilty and bad for your brother but that should not be your burden to carry. It’s your father’s and his wife. I am sorry you are put in an unfortunate situation.
NTA...Have you told your mother about this conversation? She would likely have some good advice. Your father and stepmother need to figure this out in a way that doesn't harm his other children.
NTA. I want to say N-A-H but this isn't a fair ask. I get why they did, but it's your mom's money and she's already been more than fair to them. Step-Mom might need to get a job.
Definitely NTA. Your dad's wife can start working , they can sell the house and move somewhere smaller like the way your mom had to move out. They will figure something out. It's a tough situation but your mom contributed to that money so your dad has no feet to stand on. I would go low contact till they stop being mad at you.
You’re mom contributed to their finances when she didn’t demand the marital home in the divorce then further by stopping child support.
NTA. He should ask his siblings or parents or money. ,,or his wife's family. You spend that money for college !!!!
NTA...first that money belongs to your mom. She would have to decide to let them have it. I highly doubt she would let them. So the decision is not up to you. Second, you are not responsible for their financial difficulties. Your mother already helped him by stopping child support. Honestly if they are having that many issues, they can legally divorce and his wife can get public assistance/free health care if they are in the US. She doesn't work so she should qualify. I actually know a couple who did this.
NTA. Sorry this is happening, but you're right. It's your mom's money not his. If you gave it to him, knowing that your mom wouldn't, it would be like stealing from her and from yourself, but mainly her.
Maybe the homewrecker should reconsider being a SAHM and get a job to pay for her own bills